Michael Che Matters (2016) Movie Script

Voicemail again?
Yo, Che!
What they doing out here, man?
People out here doing specials,
they just up there, just talking.
[sighs] What they doing up there?
Like, they don't even make their specials
special no more.
You talking more like, that night,
like the leather suit special.
Remember when they used to do that
back in the day?
Remember when they came out,
they knew it would be their night,
or some kind of extraness?
Yo, these dudes going on stage
but they ain't saying nothing.
You gotta say something that matters, Che,
like what's going on, man.
And I like you did it in the right spot,
say it the way you wanna say it,
say it the way you feel, don't hold back.
[cheering and applause]
[plays drum solo]
[band play heavy rock]
Ladies and gentlemen,
I need you to make some noise right now.
[cheering and applause]
Give it up for Michael Che!
[cheering and applause]
[cheering and applause]
Thank you!
[cheering and applause]
Thank you so much!
Holy shit!
That makes me feel good.
I had a rough day.
That made me feel better.
I had a homeless guy
call me a nigger on the train.
I let him because he was homeless
and I thought that was the rule.
I thought you're supposed to let homeless
people say whatever the fuck they want
then just act like you don't see them.
Fuck you. That's just me, really?
When a homeless guy
gets on a train and yells awful shit,
I turn into one of those British guards,
I stand still and look straight ahead,
"Say whatever you want, homeless man.
You can never break me."
"Just don't touch me with anything wet."
I'm not...
trying to be insensitive.
I gave a homeless dude $20,
I didn't even want to.
I wanted to give him money. You ever see
somebody and just wanna help them out?
I just wanted to help this guy out,
so I walked up to him
and I reached in my pocket,
but I felt I had one bill in my pocket,
and I pulled the bill out
and I saw it was a 20...
...and he saw it was a 20...
I was like, "I can't blue-ball this guy,
I gotta give him the whole..."
You can't just walk up
to homeless people and be like,
"Oh, no! Not for you, dude.
I almost gave that bum 20 whole dollars.
Let me go to the store
and buy something I don't need
to make change suitable for your life.
Maybe I'll buy a $3 Snapple
and dump half of it out...
as to not waste any money."
I didn't do it. He's a human being,
so I gave him $20.
And he was happy to get it. First he was
confused. He was like, "Are you sure?"
I was like, "Of course I'm sure.
You're a human being. You deserve this."
He said, "God bless you, brother."
I was like,
"Hey, it's the least I could do."
He was like, "Can I get a hug?"
and I was like, "No."
I said, "I'll shake your hand."
He shook my hand and it was soaking wet.
-I was furious.
I wanted to hit him
but I was afraid to make a fist.
I didn't wanna activate
whatever liquid was on my hand.
I just stared at it.
I was like, "Please don't dry sticky."
He called me a nigger.
The N word's a tricky word, you know?
I told a joke about the N word
at another show.
The crowd got real quiet,
like it just did.
I felt bad so I tried to do crowd work to
loosen them up, make them have fun again.
And it worked. People had a good time,
forgot what I was talking about.
I forgot what I was talking about.
Then I go,
"What was I just talking about?"
and this white lady in the back
yells out, "Niggers!"
You laugh at that shit
but that other audience did not.
They were horrified!
They gasped! They were like, "Hit her!"
I was like, "I'm not gonna hit her."
"She's 100 percent correct.
That's exactly what I was talking about."
I didn't say, "We were playing basketball.
What was I talking about?"
"Niggers!" It wasn't that.
It was also the way she said it, too,
because she wasn't like, "Niggers!"
she was like, "Niggers! Oh, God."
She clearly wasn't being racist,
she just wanted to hear the punch line.
I couldn't be upset with her for that,
you know?
I couldn't be upset with her.
If it was a white guy,
maybe I would've been more upset.
Only because it puts
a lot of pressure on me as a black dude.
I don't know if you know this or not,
but if a white guy says the N word
and I hear it,
it means I gotta fight him.
Even if I'm not that upset,
I gotta fucking fight him.
It's in the black dude contract
for some reason.
And I gotta win the fight!
Because if I lose,
that means he gets to say it again.
I gotta go tell people that shit.
I can't be like,
"This white dude called me a nigger."
"What did you do?" "Well, then I got
my ass kicked for 15 minutes."
"Then he yelled it again and rode off
on a Citi Bike. It was embarrassing."
That's just the whitest vehicle
I could think of, a Citi Bike.
[laughter and applause]
I don't know why.
[cheering and applause]
I don't know the answer to that question
a lot of white people ask,
"When can you say it, when can you
not say it?" I don't fucking know.
"Can I say it?" I don't know, try it.
I don't believe that every white person
that's ever said the N word is a racist.
I don't know.
Maybe you just like music, I don't know.
You can't just be a racist.
You gotta earn racism for me.
This is how I feel. You can't just
say nigger. You gotta earn racism.
I had a white girl call me a nigger
in an argument and I didn't even get mad
because I've known this girl for 20 years.
And she can't be a racist.
Because she's got low self-esteem.
You can't think you better than niggers
if you don't believe in yourself.
[laughter and applause]
Do you know what kind of self-confidence
you gotta have to be a supremacist?
You think Hitler had body image issues?
No, man!
The motherfucker believed in himself.
He had goals.
Say what you will about Hitler...
[laughter and applause]
That might be the name of this special.
Say What You Will About Hitler.
I don't like when white people ask me
can they say the word?
It makes me, you know...
Any time a white guy asks me
if they can say the N word,
it feels like an alcoholic asking
if they can have a sip of my drink.
It's probably harmless but it's
a slippery slope that I don't wanna be...
I don't wanna be responsible for that.
I don't understand why white people
can't just accept the fact
that there's just some shit you can't say.
As a black guy,
I know there's shit that I can't say.
Like "screwed the pooch."
I don't feel comfortable saying that shit
right now and this is my special.
I didn't even know that was an actual
saying. Have you ever heard that before?
I didn't know that was a real saying.
The first time I heard it, I was at work
and these interns were bringing us coffee.
And they brought me the wrong coffee.
And I was like,
"Hey, man, I didn't order this coffee."
And he goes, "I'm sorry about that, Che,
I really screwed the pooch on that one."
And I said, "What was that?"
And he goes, "It means I made a mistake,"
and I was like,
"No, man, it means you fucked a dog."
[laughter and applause]
"You should probably stop saying that shit
in a workplace environment."
Turns out this is a very popular phrase
that white people just use all the time.
Which leads me to believe
that somebody fucked a dog one time...
...and just kept comparing it
to every mistake anybody else has made...
..until that shit stuck as something
normal to drop into conversation.
"You messed up the coffee?
Now who fucks dogs?"
"Still you, dude. You're still
the only guy that does that shit."
"I'm just saying, you messed up
the coffee, I fucked your dog,
people make mistakes, man."
"You ask me,
we both shit the bed on that one.
Also, I shit in your bed.
That's another normal thing people do."
I like to start with race stuff
because I feel like right now
there's a lot of tension.
Blacks and cops aren't getting along.
I don't know if you've seen the news
in the past 400 years, but...
I don't know if you've seen it.
[cheering and applause]
Apparently we've hit a rough patch.
My brother's a cop, actually.
I don't fuck with him.
I love him! I love him.
I don't fuck with him.
Not right now. It's too hot.
I only see him Thanksgiving.
And even then, I'm like,
"I'm reaching for the potatoes."
He hates that shit.
He doesn't find it funny at all.
I think it's hysterical!
We can't agree on anything any more.
As a country, we just can't agree.
We just fight about everything.
We can't even agree on Black Lives Matter.
That's a controversial statement.
Black lives matter.
Not matters more than you, just matters.
Just matters.
That's where we're starting
the negotiations.
We can't agree on that shit?
What the fuck is less than matters?
Black lives exist? Can we say that?
Can we say...
Is that controversial?
We always ask for
the lowest common denominator.
We ask for the lowest rights.
Gays are fighting for equal rights.
Equal rights. That's... Can you believe
that's an actual stance you can have?
You can be for equal rights?
There's people saying,
"I think everybody should have
the same rights as everyone else."
And there's other people like,
"No, son, I disagree."
I" just don't think so."
Black people was fighting
for civil rights. Not even equal.
Just civil.
"Can we get civil? I'll take civil rights.
Just be civil."
[cheering and applause]
"We just want civil. Can we get civil?
Turn the fucking hose off.
Can we just get..."
They don't tell you
black lives don't matter.
That's not what they say.
That's not the argument.
They hit you with that slick shit.
Like, "Well, all lives matter."
Really? Semantics?
That would be like if your wife came up
to you and was like, "Do you love me?"
and you were like, "Baby, I love
everybody. What you talking about?"
[laughter and applause]
[cheering and applause]
"I love all God's creatures.
What are you saying?
You're no different."
Why do black people always have to
get over shit so quickly?
[single person applauds]
Thanks, black lady.
[laughter and applause]
Right? Why do we always gotta get over
shit? Every time we bring some shit up.
Slavery. "Oh, that was 400 years ago."
Segregation. "Oh, you guys got
Black History Month out of it. Come on.
-We gave you February."
Police shooting. "That was two weeks.
Come on, you still..."
9/11. "Oh, never forget."
[cheering and applause]
That's why this September, I'm getting a
T-shirt that says, "All Buildings Matter."
And I'm gonna see how that works.
[laughter and applause]
-No? You want one?
-[cheering and applause]
I'll get you one.
[cheering and applause]
It's a crazy time to do comedy even.
There's too much shit going on.
Blacks are getting shot.
Cops are getting shot.
Gorillas are getting shot.
Fuck that gorilla.
[laughter and applause]
I don't give a fuck about that gorilla.
I would've shot that gorilla
after I saved the baby.
Just so other gorillas know
that I mean business.
I don't give a fuck
about Cecil the gorilla.
-I know his name's not Cecil.
I just refuse to learn his name
on account that he's a gorilla.
His gorilla parents didn't name him that,
some goofy white lady in cargo shorts did.
And I refuse to play along
with her sick fantasy...
where gorillas have people names.
I'm looking at the audience, I know a lot
of people aren't coming with me on this.
You don't give a fuck about gorillas,
do you?
You're like, "I kinda do."
You don't. Why are you pretending
to give a fuck about gorillas?
You don't care about gorillas.
-You don't.
You do? You don't.
I bet you you don't!
If every gorilla on the planet
just vanished tomorrow,
just vanished
in some weird gorilla rapture...
...just all at the same time,
no gorillas exist,
and nobody on the news reported it,
how long before you'd notice?
-Nobody gives a fuck about gorillas.
And you shouldn't, because
there's real shit to give a fuck about.
There's shit happening to people.
That's when I'll give a fuck
about a gorilla.
When I see a gorilla holding a sign that
says, "Black lives matter," then maybe...
There's real shit going on!
Not just blacks.
Gays are getting shot in nightclubs.
By the Orlando ISIS.
I didn't come... That's what
they called them, the Orlando ISIS.
I know it sounds like a WNBA team,
but it's a real fucking thing, and they...
[laughter and applause]
Last night, the New York Liberty lost...
[laughs] ...67 to 52 to the Orlando ISIS.
As fucked up as that was,
it did bring to light
a lot of issues that we needed to discuss.
Big issues, like gun control.
I don't know a lot about gun control.
I live in New York City.
We got bodegas.
When I'm hungry,
I don't gotta dress up like a tree
and sneak up on a deer.
Get a whistle and seduce a duck.
I don't gotta do that shit.
I don't gotta hunt.
We got Pizza Hut and shit.
Gun rights are in the Constitution.
Or as I call it,
the list of white guy perks.
Don't get uncomfortable,
you know who the fuck that list was for.
The Constitution is white FUBU.
For you, by you.
But gun rights are there, number two.
Number two on the list.
Guns. Which makes sense that
it's number two. It should be number two.
Because if number one is,
"I believe I should be able to say
whatever the fuck I want"...
number two definitely has to be,
"I probably need a gun, too."
[cheering and applause]
[cheering and applause]
Probably, right?
Gun control, I don't know. It's tricky.
Do I think you have the right
to buy a pistol to... defend your family?
Sure. I can understand that.
Do I think you need an AR-15?
Seems excessive.
I can't think of a reason
why a regular person
should just be able to purchase
an assault rifle.
The only reason for a person
to be able to purchase an assault rifle
is if maybe
you've gotta discipline a gorilla.
Gorillas don't matter. I don't care.
That's just how I feel.
[laughter and applause]
Not just gun control.
Not just gun control.
It brought up a lot of other shit, too.
Homophobia. Hm?
A lot of homophobia in this country
that needs to be addressed.
Let's do it right now.
I'm not homophobic. I don't...
I'm not homophobic but I don't judge
people... that are homophobic
because I don't know your life,
I can't tell you what to be afraid of.
Maybe you got some real spooky gay guys in
your neighborhood that I don't know about.
Maybe you had a gay ghost
hide in your closet when you was a kid
and he'd... jump out and tickle you.
I don't know what you went through.
It's none of my business.
I don't know exactly what gay guys do.
-I haven't read the brochure.
But tickling's gotta be
the scariest of them.
If I had any fears,
it would be a gay guy tickling me.
Because if you tickle me, I'm gonna laugh.
Now how am I supposed to tell you
I don't like it?
And what if I do like it?
What does that mean? That we go together?
We gotta go get gay married?
I gotta explain to our son how we met.
"Dad, how did you meet Dad?"
"Well, I was sitting at the bar
mad straight and..."
"I was straight as fuck, for real."
"All of a sudden, your dad came up behind
me and was like, 'coochie-coochie-coo!'
And then my dick moved
and now you're here."
"That's the story of the birds
and the birds, son."
Is that homophobic? Maybe.
Does that make me a homophobe?
I don't know. I don't think so.
I think we're all, as adults, we all have
little things that we've gotta get over.
You might not be homophobic,
you might not be racist,
but maybe you've got
some fucked-up views on something,
and if you're not honest about it,
how are you ever gonna get better?
If I'm not able to say an honest thing,
how am I supposed to get past that?
Like, I just recently stopped
using the word tranny.
Because a trans friend of mine...
told me how much it hurt.
She was like, "That really bothers me when
you say that. It's a very hurtful term."
And I was like, "What?"
"Tranny? How the fuck is tranny hurtful?
I just added a Y."
"It's a fucking Y.
What's so hurtful about a Y?"
And she was like, "Well, how would you
like it if I called you blacky?"
[laughter and applause]
Well played, tranny, well played.
pretty good.
Pretty good.
I've been accused of being homophobic.
I have.
In an interview. Just for being honest.
You gotta stop accusing people...
just for being honest.
That's a teaching moment. You know what
I'm saying? You could school me.
Don't just call me something just because
I said some shit you didn't like.
That's all I'm trying to say.
I've been accused.
In an interview, somebody asked me,
what would I do if I had a gay son,
and I just answered honestly.
I was like,
"If I had a gay son, I'd probably be sad.
But I'd also be sad
if I had a straight daughter.
I just don't want anybody to fuck my kid.
[laughter and applause]
I just don't want my kid penetrated,
boy or girl. I don't...
I don't want some dude
showing up at my house in a tuxedo like,
'I'm here to fuck your son
and I brought him this corsage.'"
I don't even have any kids because
I'm mad pro-choice, but if I did and...
[laughter and applause]
You gotta do more than march sometimes.
I don't have any kids.
But if I was a father,
I'd feel like every man instinctively...
just has this need to protect
their family... from dicks.
Boy, girl, doesn't matter, you just gotta
keep dicks away from your...
Instinctively, I just wanna
keep dicks away from my family.
The longer I can keep dicks out of my
family, I feel like the better dad I am.
Is that weird? I feel that way. I feel
like I'm gonna be that kind of parent.
My daughter asks me,
"Dad, can I go to the party?"
I'm like,
"Is there gonna be dicks at that party?"
I see any locked doors...
I'm like,
"What y'all doing? Any dicks down there?"
"No, Dad, we're just doing drugs."
"All right, cool."
"What kind of drugs?"
"All right. No crack."
"I know, Dad."
"Because crack leads to sucking dick."
"That's right, crack leads to sucking
dick. No dicks in this family."
[cheering and applause]
I don't know where that comes from,
that's just how I feel.
But I can be honest about it.
Somebody else might feel that way
and go see a therapist. Me, I'm here.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't know where it comes from.
Maybe religion.
If I had to guess, I'd say religion.
I'm not a religious guy.
I believe in God,
I just don't like to bother him.
I only talk to God when I've got tough
questions, like "Why are we here?"
or "How we gonna get rid of this baby?"
It's never anything more...
I'm mad pro-choice. I'm mad pro-choice.
Are you miked?
I don't wanna any offend Christians.
Are there any Christians here?
Anybody Christian? Christian. Yeah?
My mother's a Christian.
My mother's a very religious woman.
She used to take me to church
all the time.
It was cool.
I just couldn't buy in.
I'd go in that church, I'd see
that big old picture of white Jesus.
I was like, "Nope."
I just never believed Jesus was white.
Why? First clue, his name's Jesus.
When have you ever met a white guy
named Jesus before?
In the history of the world,
there's never been another white Jesus.
That doesn't strike you
as a little fucking odd?
You're a white guy, right?
What's your white name?
Nick, if your white friend said,
"I'm having a baby,"
and you said, "What you gonna name him?"
and he said, "Jesus,"
you'd be like,
"What the fuck is wrong with Bill?"
I just saw that picture,
I just couldn't believe it.
Looking like Jeff Foxworthy.
If his name was Cody Christ, I'd be like,
"Maybe he looks like Jeff Foxworthy."
Nobody named Jesus
looks like Jeff Foxworthy, Nick.
And all his friends
was named Peter and Paul and Matthew.
Those are white guy names.
I think Jesus had a lot of white friends.
Probably why they sold him out.
-[cheering and applause]
I think Joseph was definitely white.
That's how he knew it wasn't his son.
He's like, "Mary, where you get
this black-ass baby from?"
She was like, "God? I don't..."
"It's a miracle, yeah."
I also think Jesus...
was black because they couldn't find
a place to stay.
They was like, "Y'all can come in,
but that nigger baby
gotta sleep in that puppy bed outside."
"Keep him in that manger over there if
you... insist on having that black baby."
I" don't trust it."
You understand what I'm saying, Nick,
right? I don't wanna be offensive.
Let me know when I go too far.
This shit's being taped.
All right?
There's still states I haven't been to.
I wanna make sure I can still go.
-What's your name?
[cheering and applause]
What are the fucking odds?
Black guy named Paul.
It sounds like an improv group.
A Black Guy Named Paul.
It's not offensive, is it, Paul?
I'm fair game, fair game?
Because I do wanna be respectful.
Like I said, my family's Christian.
Very Christian.
I used to go to church.
Even though I didn't buy in,
I still paid attention,
I still learned a lot.
I did.
I learned a lot about Jesus.
One of my favorite things about Jesus,
you ask me, Paul?
I don't know if you noticed,
but Jesus... was a miracle-worker.
Jesus was a miracle-worker.
He performed miracles.
he studied carpentry.
That's not funny?
He performed miracles...
...studied carpentry, Paul.
Paul, do you know what carpentry is?
-Why the fuck would you...
...study carpentry...
if you can perform miracles?
That's a much less impressive skill.
How many times was Jesus's carpentry
teacher like, "This table's not level,"
and he's like,
"All right, check it again, I'm Jesus"?
"I could make a table out of fish
if I wanted to.
Do you know who you fucking with?"
[cheering and applause]
Also, nobody saved
any of Jesus's carpentry.
There's no museum
where I can go check that shit out?
Nobody thought that shit
might be valuable?
"Hey, Fred, that's a nice armoire. Where
did you get it from?" "Jesus Christ."
"Heard of him?
He's that white guy
with that black guy name."
Paul, I think Jesus
was a shitty carpenter.
I think he was bad at carpentry
and they destroyed all his work
because they knew we wouldn't respect him.
It's like, "Jesus died for your sins."
"That motherfucker that sold me
that three-legged table?"
"I'm not following him nowhere."
What if you found out IKEA died
for your sins? You'd be less...
It's not that impressive, is it?
The only proof of Jesus's carpentry
is if maybe, in that Last Supper poster...
he's showing off a table he just made.
[laughter and applause]
Not bad!
Not bad.
Seats 13 on one side, huh?
Who's buying?
I didn't go too far, did I?
Still with me, Paul?
Let me ask you one question, Paul.
Think about it before you answer, don't
freak out, this is just... a question.
You think when Jesus was on the cross,
part of him was thinking,
"This is a pretty good cross"? As a
carpenter. As a guy that works with wood.
As a guy that works... No? As a craftsman?
"That's some sturdy shit.
Man, who built this?
I'm gonna be up here a while.
Three days at least."
No, never? Okay. Moving on.
I'm just fucking with you, Paul. I gotta
ask. I know a lot of Christians is like,
"You gonna get struck by lightning."
Really? That's what's gonna set Jesus off?
All the awful shit going on in the world,
nothing's happening about it.
Meanwhile, Jesus is in the back like, "Who
the fuck is making fun of my carpentry?"
"I was a damn good carpenter!
Oh, he gets all the lightning bolts.
That's priority number one."
[cheering and applause]
I don't know. I do wanna go to heaven.
I wanna go to heaven
but I wanna, like, just make it.
I wanna just make it.
I wanna go to heaven
like I wanna catch my flight, like just...
No time to spare.
I want people to be like,
"How the fuck did you get in?"
-"Just made it!"
I know,
I didn't think I was gonna make it,
but I gave up that kidney
and... here I am."
"Where the bitches at?" No...
I definitely don't wanna go to hell.
I don't wanna got to hell.
I don't wanna go to hell, Paul.
I don't even know how hell works.
I don't.
Because there's only one hell, right?
There's only one hell.
But how do you regulate who goes to hell?
Because there's shit that was okay
a long time ago that's not okay now.
And there's shit that's okay now
that wasn't okay a long time ago.
But they all go to the same hell?
That never made sense to me.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, that guy from the Orlando ISIS.
He's gonna go to hell.
And he should.
But he's also gonna meet somebody
that was alive at a time...
when what he did was okay.
He's gonna go there
and some dude from 500BC is gonna be like,
"Why you in here, young blood?"
I don't know why they talk like that.
I'm just guessing.
"Young blood, why you in here?"
"I killed a bunch of gay dudes."
"You can't do that no more?"
"Damn! The world is crazy!"
"Well, what you in here for?"
"I ate a hamburger on a Saturday."
You see what I'm saying?
They're in the same hell, though.
[laughter and applause]
That sound weird?
[cheering and applause]
Speaking of hell...
Donald Trump's
making a strong campaign for...
For president, for president. Not hell.
He's making a strong campaign.
You're not gonna like this.
I actually like Donald Trump,
to be honest with you.
Shut up.
Shut up.
I don't think he should be president.
I don't think Donald Trump
should be president, but I do think
he's a real shitty guy, he's hilarious
and he should be my best friend.
-Is that okay?
-[cheering and applause]
He shouldn't be president. He shouldn't
be president. But he's fucking funny.
We gonna pretend he's not funny? Really?
If Donald Trump showed up at the
after-party, I wouldn't be like, "Urgh."
I'd be like,
"Oh, shit, Donald Trump's here!"
[laughter and applause]
I would be so pumped to see that guy.
He shouldn't be president.
Turns out I look for different things
in a best friend than I do a president.
If you can believe that.
Like, I think Obama
was a fantastic president
but I wouldn't wanna fucking hang out
with Barack Obama.
If I got drunk and told Obama
a dirty joke, he'd be like,
"Michael, that's not how we talk about
women." Like, "Okay, dude. All right."
[laughter and applause]
Fucking guy.
I don't wanna hang out with him.
I wanna hang out with a piece of shit.
I'd rather hang out with George Bush.
If I told George Bush a dirty joke, he'd
be like, "God damn, them niggers funny."
[laughter and applause]
"Tell Jeb."
And Clinton would be like,
"I got a better one."
That's who you wanna hang out with, right?
Why are we pretending
we don't all have a Donald Trump friend?
We all know that guy.
We all have that shitty, over-confident,
quasi-racist, orange friend. We all do.
And we keep him around
because he's funny as fuck.
He makes us laugh and he makes us
feel better about ourselves.
We just don't want him
too close to anything important.
That's the only thing.
We keep him at a distance
but not too close
to anything that's important.
You know what it feels like,
Donald Trump's campaign?
Like your shittiest friend came up to you
at a bar one day like,
"Yo, man, I think I could fuck your mom."
And then you found out he could.
It's not funny any more, is it?
Now we gotta stop that guy
or he's gonna fuck Mommy.
I don't hate him.
I'm not gonna pretend to hate him.
He just shouldn't be president.
Not right now.
The country's in too rough of a point.
When we're doing really good,
I think maybe we should give him a year.
Just to let him fuck around,
just to see what he does.
You wouldn't wanna see it, just a year
of it, just to be like, "Ah..."?
When we're doing good, when it's safe.
Like when you let a baby
drive a little bit, like...
Not on a mountain. Not on a mountain.
Just like...
Like on a straight way,
you just let him... "Ahhh! Okay!"
All right,
I guess I'm just more fun than you.
But I agree, right now is not the time.
We need too much help, man.
People are out of work.
This economy's fucked up.
I do agree with them there,
the economy is fucked up.
They say this economy's getting better,
but I don't believe that shit.
Because they're starting
to legalize marijuana everywhere.
-Only when you're down to your last dollar
do you start thinking, "Yo, we should just
start selling weed, because...
I don't know..."
[cheering and applause]
I don't know how we're gonna come up
with China's money."
[cheering and applause]
They're always trying to blame that shit
on us, too, like we fucked up the economy.
I was watching the news, some lady
from the government was on there,
she looked right in the camera and she
was like, "We owe China $11 trillion."
I was like, "We?"
"I don't owe China shit."
"You owe China $11 trillion.
We owe Sprint $90."
[laughter and applause]
"So you must've been roaming.
I don't know how the fuck you..."
I think Hilary Clinton will win
because she's a white lady.
White women take
whatever the fuck they want.
They took Brooklyn.
I didn't see that shit coming.
[laughter and applause]
Do you know how dangerous Brooklyn used
to be before white women took that shit?
Brooklyn used to be the scariest place
in the world, man. I was terrified of it.
I used to listen to rappers sing
about that shit. They were so proud.
"Don't ever come to Brooklyn, I'll fucking
kill you if you ever walk through."
I'm like, "This is a dope song
but I'm never going to Brooklyn."
I was terrified of Brooklyn.
All of a sudden,
a bunch of rich white girls from Seattle
was like, "Brooklyn's mines now,"
and then they just owned it.
Just took it. Just took
the scariest part of my childhood.
I don't know how the fuck they did it.
I think white girls killed Biggie.
I think that was phase one.
[laughter and applause]
I think they shot Biggie
and took Brooklyn away.
White women just take whatever
the fuck they want, man. I've seen it.
You know what a white girl could do?
A white girl could walk up to you drunk,
she'll be drunk,
just walk right up to you at a bar
and just take your hat off your head...
-...put it on her head...
...and then just walk the fuck off
with your property.
[laughter and applause]
And that's...
That's just how that shit went for you.
Nothing you could do about it.
She needs your hat.
She needs your hat to dance.
White girls need hats to dance.
They can't dance without a hat.
They can't dance without a hat and they
can't dance with their mouth closed.
It's just two things they can't do.
White girls don't close their mouth
when they dance.
White girls dance like they can't believe
their legs are doing it.
They take your hat.
They'll just take that shit.
Doesn't matter how gangster
you think you are, they'll take that shit.
Don't matter who you are.
Don't feel bad. Anybody.
You ever seen a drunk white girl
dancing around in a cop's hat?
You're like,
"How the fuck did you take a cop's hat?
He's got a gun.
How did you fucking take his hat?"
Only white women get away with that shit.
You ever seen a drunk black dude
dancing around in a cop's hat?
"It's my birthday!"
"I wanna get your hat,
my boy's getting married!"
[laughter and applause]
We can't pull that off, man.
Black guys can't pull that off.
We're not that fearless.
We're a little fearless
but we're not white-girl fearless.
White women are fearless.
They're not scared of shit.
White women rescue pit bulls for fun.
They don't give a fuck about nothing.
Do you know how dangerous a pit bull is?
If I seen a pit bull walk down the street,
I wouldn't walk down that street any more.
A white girl would take that pit bull
home, put a sweater on it...
This dog used to win tournaments,
now his name's Nicole.
He's eating vegan treats
out of some white lady's hand.
[laughter and applause]
If I was president,
I'd have an all white girl army.
That'd be my first line of defense.
ISIS? Send white women.
I'd build a Trader Joe's
right in the middle of Syria.
[laughter and applause]
I would.
Put up some Prosecco fountains.
Give me two summers, ISIS would be
the first terror organization
forced out due to rent increase.
[cheering and applause]
I'd do it.
[cheering and applause]
I'd gentrify the fuck out of ISIS.
Like, "ISIS is mines now."
"I live in downtown Syria."
"Syria used to be sketchy,
but now it's pretty chill."
I" got to Soul Cycle there."
[cheering and applause]
"Give me your hat, Abdul, I wanna dance."
I don't even know if white women know that
shit. Do you realize how powerful you are?
You never think about that.
You have the power
to gentrify a neighborhood.
Do you know what the fuck that means?
It means you can move into
the worst neighborhoods in the world
and they will increase in value
just because of your presence.
Do you know how rich I'd have to be
to gentrify a white neighborhood?
I'd have to be impossibly rich.
My neighborhood got gentrified
by baristas.
I'm richer than a barista.
I would love that. I would love to be able
to gentrify a white neighborhood.
Just move in and have them
start building shit that I like.
Just start selling cigarettes
one at a time.
[laughter and applause]
Put bulletproof glass
in all the restaurants.
A lot of white people don't know,
but that happens to black neighborhoods.
They put up bulletproof glass
in all our dining establishments.
They feed us like they feed shark.
"Ah, take that chicken. Agh!"
[laughter and applause]
I grew up poor. I grew up very poor.
I grew up in a bad neighborhood.
My mother did she best she could, man.
We was broke.
She was proud.
She would never tell us that we was poor.
She would just make it seem like our fault
that we didn't get the shit
she couldn't afford.
Did anybody's parents do that shit?
I'd get a bad report card
and she'd be like,
"A D? Oh, you can forget about Christmas."
[laughter and applause]
"It's March! I think I got time to..."
"Nope, no Christmas for you.
13 years in a row."
Like, "God damn!"
Not any more. Now I've got a decent job.
I live in a rich white neighborhood
called Harlem.
It's amazing! I've got a black doorman.
He's so proud of me.
He's an old black man.
He's so fucking proud of me.
When I walk in,
he stands up and slow claps me.
[laughter and applause]
One single Morgan Freeman tear, like...
"You did it, young brother."
I'm like, "Yeah, I made rent again. Okay.
Thanks, Willy."
Remember that cat-calling video?
Remember that shit that went viral?
If you haven't seen it, there was this
white lady that videotaped herself...
walking through Harlem for ten hours.
She showed what happened. Black guys were
yelling awful shit at her, like, "Hi."
"Hello." Real nasty stuff. And, uh...
I made fun of it
because I'm from New York, like I said,
and I remember when Harlem was Harlem
and you couldn't walk there
for ten hours with a video camera...
...and leave with your video camera.
[laughter and applause]
When she made it to the end of the video,
I was like, "Wow, progress!
Harlem's gotten a lot better!
White women are safe for up to ten hours.
That's amazing!"
Should start buying in Harlem.
I thought it was a tourism commercial.
I got in trouble.
I got in trouble for that shit.
People were very upset.
I became the poster child for cat-calling
for some reason.
Which is ridiculous
because I'd never cat-call.
I'd never cat-call.
I think cat-calling is the dumbest,
most humiliating thing in the world.
I hate it. I don't know
who has the stomach for it, honestly.
It's really... It's awful.
Could you imagine?
Do you know what it feels like
to compliment a moving target?
How humiliating that feels?
"Ma'am, I just wanna tell you, you have
the most beautiful eyes I ever... Okay."
[laughter and applause]
[cheering and applause]
You let that shit happen to you
10 to 15 times a day,
you gonna start yelling, "Hey, titties!"
too. That's just frustrating.
After a while,
you just wanna know if your voice works.
I don't like cat-calling. I hate it.
I don't like the way it feels for me.
I don't like the way it makes women feel.
Women, you know...
are turned off by it. It's creepy to them.
It's fucking creepy. They'll tell you
when that shit's creepy, too.
I hate to be called a creep.
You ever been called a creep, Paul?
Just for doing something creepy?
Never? You've never been called a creep?
You've never been on a train just staring
at some lady's sandals too long?
Nothing creepy ever?
Don't feel bad. If you have, don't feel
bad. There's nothing... I'm not...
I'm not trying to down creeps.
We need creeps.
I'm not gonna pretend
that creeps aren't important.
If it wasn't for creeps,
we wouldn't know that milk is delicious.
That's not some shit
you just stumble upon, all right?
Some creep was standing in the farm
watching some big-tittied cow walk by.
He was like, "God damn!"
"I don't know about you boys,
but I'm thirsty."
"I'm gonna suck that cow's titty.
Get that discharge."
That's the creepiest motherfucker
that ever lived, man.
Came back to his friends with a big milk
stache, like, "All right, hear me out.
It's frustrating to be called a creep
because women are just as creepy as men.
We just never bring that shit up.
We never bring it up. To the point where
you don't even think you're creepy.
I'm serious. Women are looking at me like,
"What the fuck you saying?
Creepy? How so?"
Women, you're very creepy.
I work at a TV show
and sometimes we'll have, like,
One Direction or Justin Timberlake
on the show,
and when they walk on stage, all the women
in the audience do the same creepy shit.
"Aghhh! Justin! Aghhh!"
That's weird. You're an adult.
Why are you screaming?
That's fucking creepy as hell.
I can't do that shit.
If Beyonce comes out, I can't be like,
"Aghhh! Beyonce! Aghhh!"
They'd taser me. They'd be like, "That
creep's gonna kill Beyonce. Get him out."
But I'm creepy.
Because I watch porn
on a subway.
Who don't watch porn?
You watch porn, right?
Nick watches porn!
What's your favorite category?
[laughter and applause]
What's you're favorite
porn category, Nick?
What kind of porn do you watch?
What do you type in the box?
What do you type in the search box?
At least tell me that. What do you type?
You gotta type something, Nick.
You don't go to a restaurant and say,
"I'll have the food."
-What do you type?
Lesbian? I don't like lesbian porn.
That's the one porn I don't like.
Lesbian, really?
I hate lesbian porn.
For two reasons.
One, I never know when it's over.
I don't. They just...
They just hug it out and we assume
some shit happened. I need proof.
I need proof in liquid form.
Two, there's never any lesbians in it,
Never. It's just the same straight girls
from straight porn.
That's how discriminated against lesbians
are. They're not even in their own porn.
I don't wanna live in a country like that,
If I'm gonna watch lesbian porn,
I wanna see actual lesbians.
I wanna see a girl that looks like
Lil Wayne have sex...
[laughter and applause]
...with a girl that looks like
Allen Iverson. I wanna see something cool.
[cheering and applause]
I wanna learn a thing or two.
-You know what I'm saying, Paul?
You watch Christian porn or something?
Instead of a blur over the genitals,
it's a fig leaf?
So much tension just asking somebody
what kind of porn you watch.
It's just sex, just video sex.
If there was two people having sex
right here, you wouldn't be looking at me.
It's just sex. Why is that weird?
If I asked you, "What's your favorite
horror movie?" nobody would bat an eye.
Isn't that crazy, that's the way we live?
As a society, that's who we are?
We can watch movies of people killing
and dying and blood and gore.
All that shit's perfectly acceptable.
But if I wanna watch two people make love,
I gotta close my laptop
because I'm disturbing
the other passengers? Fuck you.
[laughter and applause]
[cheering and applause]
Who's really the sick one? Not me.
But I'm the creep.
Women watch love stories.
I think that's creepy as fuck.
I don't wanna watch
two people fall in love. Urgh!
I feel like I'm intruding.
It's uncomfortable.
But I get it. Maybe that's your fantasy.
Maybe that's what you wanna...
Maybe you live through the characters.
You're like, "Someday that will be me,
I'll fall in love, it'll be beautiful."
And that's your fantasy.
That's why you watch that shit. I get it.
But that's not my fantasy, Nick.
You know what's my fantasy?
I'm delivering pizza to a sorority...
...and they can't pay for it.
Those are the kinds of movies I watch.
I was watching a bunch of inter-racial
porno for Black History Month.
I wondered, who's the first
black dude in an inter-racial porno
and why don't we know his name
as the bravest motherfucker
in civil rights history?
[laughter and applause]
Do you know how dangerous that was,
to fuck white women on tape in the 50s?
Jackie Robinson got death threats,
he just played baseball with white people.
Could you imagine what that nigga went
through? He should be on every stamp.
But we're creeps.
Because we watch porn.
Women do creepier shit than that.
Women have sex toys.
You know what I'm saying?
Sex... Like, toys that they have sex with.
You get what I'm saying, Nick?
Remember when you was a kid
and you used to play with toys?
They fuck their toys, dude.
Adult women.
And not like a whole toy dude.
No, no, no. Just a separate penis toy.
They fuck a severed penis toy.
But we're the creeps.
I know there's sex toys for men,
but we can't actually buy one
and have it and let you find it.
And then explain it.
"Well, you know,
it's really hard to meet people, but..."
"But a boy's got his needs. Am I right?
So I stick my dick
in this rubber Pringles can.
Anyhoo... You said you're a Virgo?
That's cool.
Who was... What's Mom like?"
They don't stop there.
We never make fun of them.
They can fuck whatever they want, we don't
judge them, we don't call them creeps.
They go fuck all the toys,
shower heads, washing machines...
carrots, cucumber, we don't give a fuck.
Yeah, vegetables. You ever had a salad?
They'll fuck what goes in a salad.
You get what I'm trying to say?
That's why they don't cat-call.
That's why they don't have to be creepy.
They can fuck salad.
You don't gotta cat-call
when you can fuck salad.
You think if there was a vegetable
that felt exactly like a vagina,
we would ever talk to you?
No, man, we'd be too busy farming.
Every dude in here would be in overalls.
Like, "When is this show over?
My crop's coming in."
"I'm growing some lesbians."
You on a date?
You sure?
-Are you single?
You like red lobster?
[cheering and applause]
Why did you nudge her? You took her side
over me? Really, motherfucker?
I thought we was friends, Nick.
I thought me, you and Paul
had a thing going, man.
Thought we were gonna go to
a strip club after this maybe.
Me, the whitest guy I've ever seen
and Christian Paul.
[laughter and applause]
We are gonna go to the strip club
after this.
We are. I like to go to strip clubs.
The most fun I ever had at a strip club...
It was in Baltimore, Maryland.
To give you an idea
what these girls looked like,
I walked in with $50 in singles...
and walked out with $47 in singles.
[laughter and applause]
Good night!
[cheering and applause]
[drum solo]
[band play heavy rock]
[cheering and applause]
Thank you so much!
Good night!
[cheering and applause]