Michael Che: Shot in Minnesota (2026) Movie Script
1
Let me in
I wanna be closer to you
Open up your soul
Let me find that part of you
The part that nobody ever knew
Let me touch your mind...
What's good?
Oh, oh, oh!
What's up? What's up? What's up?
Goddamn.
Oh, shit.
You know, I was nervous to come out here,
but I feel so fucking good right now.
Damn.
I might get emotional.
I feel like Erika Kirk on this stage.
That's no disrespect to the Kirks,
by the way.
I don't know if the Kirks are here.
I'll be honest with you, I don't even know
who Charlie Kirk really is.
I found out about that nigga
the day he got shot.
And the only reason I found out about it
was because people kept messaging me.
They was like, "Charlie Kirk got shot.
You gonna make fun of him on Saturday?"
I didn't know. I thought they was talking
about the dude from Star Trek.
I was like, "What?"
"They shot Captain Kirk?"
"I love those Priceline commercials."
I didn't know who that nigga was.
Then I saw on my timeline all these
older white dudes crying in trucker hats.
I was like, "Wait a minute."
"These don't look like Trekkies."
They didn't sound like Trekkies neither.
They was like, "They shot Charlie.
You niggers are gonna pay for this."
I was like, "Black people
shot Captain Kirk? For what?"
"I didn't even know we was mad at him."
Then they said he got shot in Utah.
I was like, "Ain't no niggas in Utah."
"Who shot him, Karl Malone?"
Now, why would NBA legend
Karl Malone shoot Captain Charlie T. Kirk
of the Starship Enterprise?
That don't make no sense.
I was baffled.
Then I saw there was a video,
and I was like,
"Oh, maybe that'll clear things up."
I wish I did not see that shit.
I don't know if you saw,
but it's fucked up.
He's in Utah, and somebody
in the crowd asked him a question
about gun violence,
and I guess he got it wrong.
They shot that nigga like Squid Games.
I was like, "Whoa!"
The fuck has gotten into Karl Malone?
Apparently they take trivia
real serious in Utah.
I still don't know why
they shot that white man.
And it's been explained to me.
Just nothing makes sense!
My homegirl told me,
"He got shot because he said
Black women shouldn't be pilots."
I was like, "I don't think they are."
Oh, fuck you,
I have to fly a lot for this job.
I have never seen one.
TSA, sure, yeah, a lot.
I'm not saying
there's no Black women pilots,
but not enough
to go pissing off Karl Malone.
Pick your battles, Captain.
The best explanation I heard
was that apparently in this country,
straight white Christian conservative men
are being silenced.
Nah, I really heard that shit.
Apparently it's true.
I didn't know,
but I learned that in an argument.
I'm not even gonna say it was an argument.
I was having a very heated,
yet respectful debate
with this retarded guy.
I know you shouldn't use that word, but...
I do.
I do, I fucking use it.
It's 'cause I still see them.
I'll stop saying it when I stop seeing it.
And even when I don't say it,
I'm thinking it.
You don't think it?
You don't think it?
Not even in traffic?
You can take it out of here.
You can't take it out of here.
And you can't take it out of here.
I had a white lady follow me
to my car after a show.
She was so mad. She was like, "You know,
you really shouldn't use that word."
"I have a child with special needs."
I was like, "Is he retarded?"
She said, "No, he's not retarded."
I was like, "What the fuck you bring him
up for? I wasn't even talking about him."
You're all so tense.
No, fuck... Imagine you got special needs
and every time somebody
said the word retarded,
your mother was like,
"Hey, that's my son you're talking about."
Anyway, she did not like that logic.
That shit pissed her off even more.
She was like, "Well,
what if I went around using the N-word?"
I said, "Try it."
"I'm kind of curious myself, lady.
Let's see what happens."
"Who knows? You might become a star."
"Hey, they might let you roast Kevin Hart.
Who knows?"
I don't fucking care.
White people always try
to threaten you with that shit.
"What if I called you the N-word?"
Like, I feel like you just did.
Right? Like, what the fuck?
I don't care. I don't care what you say.
The N-word only bothers me
when I have to listen to white people.
Like, if a judge called me
a nigger in court, I'd be like,
"Well, this is gonna be a short trial."
"I guess I could cancel
that Uber ride home."
Just some regular white lady.
I don't give a fuck what you say.
A homeless dude called me a nigger
in the street.
I didn't even break stride.
I just let him say that shit.
And he was yelling it.
He was like, "You're a nigger."
I was like, "Ooh, you got me."
"Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go eat some people food."
"You enjoy your white supremacy."
My point is, we gotta stop protecting
these niggas' feelings, man.
Ever since we stopped
using the word retarded,
retarded people
have taken over the world.
I don't think that shit's a coincidence.
I think if we still used
the word retarded,
Donald Trump
could have never been president.
I could've diagnosed
that nigga immediately.
That's my theory. That's why he won.
We didn't have a word to call him.
And he just kept getting stronger
and stronger.
Now, we can't stop him.
Even Karl Malone
keeps missing this nigga, like...
"This nigga's too retarded to shoot."
I watched those debates. They never know
what the fuck to say to that guy.
They don't got the language.
They'd be like, "Come on, this guy
can't be president. He's clearly..."
Like, just say it.
They make shit up. "He's unpresidential."
It's like, "No, he's a retarded guy."
What the fuck are we looking at?
His tie is down to his balls.
You know what I'm talking about.
I know you know what I'm talking about.
'Cause every time I turn on the news,
Minnesota is fighting
some group of retards.
No, it's important to say it.
Retarded meaning regressive.
Bunch of motherfuckers trying
to take all our rights away.
Yeah!
And I love this place for that reason.
I also do a lot of business in Minnesota.
Y'all don't know this,
but I own like three daycares.
Say what you will,
it's a great no-show job, I promise you.
Trump's not just dangerous
because he's retarded, he's also--
He's like a... He's like a retard whisperer.
You know what I mean?
Like, he know how to talk to them niggas.
He's like... They communicate like dolphins.
He know exactly
what to say to get retarded people
to just dress up like Vikings and start...
Start storming shit.
- You know what I'm talking about.
- Yeah!
That's all politics is these days.
Just retard whispering.
Why you think
they spend so much money on hats?
Retarded guys love hats.
And Donald Trump makes
the greatest retarded hat.
That shit is--
He know all the shit they like,
fire engine red.
You give a retarded guy a free hat,
you have made a friend...
...for life.
They love that fucking hat.
You can't spell hate without hat.
You can't.
He know how to do it. He know how to--
If Donald Trump wasn't president,
he'd be an amazing kindergarten teacher.
You know, like, he know how to talk to
niggas that don't like to think that much.
Every time I say that,
there's always teachers
in the audience that don't like that shit,
but you're thinking about it as a teacher.
Think about it as a six-year-old.
Imagine you in kindergarten
and Joe Biden is your fucking teacher.
You know how spooky
that nigga would be in the morning?
For children?
Kamala Harris with her assistant
principal energy? Like, nobody...
Every time I see Kamala Harris, I feel
like she should be wearing a whistle.
I don't know why. I mean...
Don't she look like
the lady with the whistle?
Now, imagine Donald Trump's
your kindergarten teacher.
How much fun would that fucking class be?
He'd show up with a box of red hats,
McDonald's for everybody.
Like, "Hey, you little niggas wanna watch
UFC on the lawn?"
Like, "Fuck yeah,
I wanna watch UFC on the lawn!"
"Come on, let's take a doo-doo
in Nancy Pelosi's desk." Like, fuck...
This nigga's awesome.
This is how they talk to us, by the way.
This is how we pick the president.
And we deserve it, 'cause we don't take
this shit serious enough.
I know we don't take it serious enough,
because Donald Trump is terrible,
and we still don't even know
who the next president's going to be.
You would think
we would have learned our lesson
and just had them planned out
for the next ten years or so.
If it's the most important job
in the free world, we still don't know?
There's no list?
Right now, ESPN has a list
of the top 500 high school quarterbacks
in the country.
But every four years, we end up
in this fucked up Would You Rather.
One nigga's 80,
the other nigga's eightier.
You know who I thought
was gonna be president?
Was that Pete Buttigieg guy. Remember him?
And I don't even know anything
about his politics.
He just looks like somebody
y'all would vote for.
You know what I mean. He's like
some clean-cut, young, white dude.
Marine. He was mayor. Harvard grad.
And, uh,
one other thing I can never remember.
Yeah, he's gay, that's right.
He's mad gay.
And apparently you can't be gay
and president, which is hilarious,
'cause when the fuck
would that even come up in the job?
When would that come? "Mr. President,
we need you to eat this pussy."
"Uh-uh."
"Please, Mr. President."
"Just taste it." "Uh-uh."
"I ain't say I was gonna do all that."
"I'm here for budget stuff."
And that's not even conservatives.
You can't even blame conservatives for
that shit. He didn't even get that far.
Liberals was saying that.
I saw that shit on MSNBC.
I'm serious, they was like,
"Is America really ready
to have our first gay president?"
It was a ridiculous question,
'cause there's no way
he would be our first gay president.
We had 46 dudes in a row.
Statistically...
two of them niggas was something.
We used to have a party called the Whigs.
I'd start there.
Now, that's a fun question.
Who was our first gay president?
I heard Abraham Lincoln was gay.
Wouldn't that be something?
Man who freed the slaves
wasn't even free himself.
And I believe it too,
because he got shot in the theater.
That's a pretty gay way to die.
John Wilkes Booth was like,
"I know where that slut is."
He probably went
to go see Kinky Boots again.
"Shoot him in his hat."
"Shoot him in that stupid ass hat
he always wears."
This is why they don't let me do sketches
on Saturday Night Live.
My only impression
is gay John Wilkes Booth.
This shit is not very current.
If you don't know
who John Wilkes Booth is,
he's the Karl Malone of his generation.
That's why I wanted to do this special,
'cause I wanted people
to take me seriously as a professional.
I'm getting up there, I'm getting older,
and no one tells you
that you're getting old.
You gotta discover that shit on your own.
You know how I found out
I was getting old?
I was listening to Eminem one day,
and I started taking his mother's side.
I was like, "Come on, man,
she made you spaghetti."
"Forgive her."
I wanna take better care of myself, man.
I'm trying to slow down my drinking
so I don't have to quit.
Anybody at that point?
I wanna drink less
so that I could drink forever.
That's my worst nightmare
is to come home drunk from the bar,
and my whole family's just sitting
in my living room with notes.
Be like, "Ah, I had a good run though,
didn't I, Mom?"
That's what happens,
you get a certain age,
they don't let you drink no more
if you drink too much.
Happened to my daddy.
He's never allowed to drink again.
I feel so bad for him.
It was his favorite thing!
I feel bad. Like, let him have a drink.
He's almost 80. Who's he gonna hit now?
Oh, it gets way worse than that.
My point is, it's my only vice.
It's the only thing I like to do, man.
Like, people think I smoke a lot of weed
'cause I talk like this, but I don't.
I don't do drugs. I've never done cocaine.
I've tried it a bunch,
but I never, like, did it.
Alcohol, that's all I like.
That's all I like to do.
And it's not even
that I drink all the time.
It's just when I drink,
I drink for a very long time.
I drink all fucking night.
And that's my problem with the Midwest,
because your bars close
entirely too early.
- Like two o'clock, right?
- Yeah!
Fucking amateurs.
I bet you all still have dreams,
don't you?
I like to drink late.
Sometimes I leave the bar so late,
I see dudes my age
taking their kids to school.
And we both just look at each other like,
"Boy, did you fuck up your life?"
There you go.
In New York, you can do that,
'cause we got after-hour bars.
But you gotta have cash,
because it's illegal as fuck.
They don't take cards.
I learned that shit the hard way.
One time, I went
to this after-hours bar in New York
and I didn't have no cash on me.
I just had my card.
And I tried to get the bartender
to start a tab,
and she refused. She literally refused.
We got into, like, a shouting match
in the middle of the bar,
but I got lucky,
'cause in the middle of the argument,
this gay guy, he walks right up to me,
and I knew he was a gay guy
because I took one look at him.
And he was...
He was like-- You know what I mean?
He was, like, visibly gay. Like...
No, I'm not trying to be rude.
I'm just-- If a cop came in, and was like,
"Hey, we're looking for a gay guy
who stole a purse."
I'd be like, "You talking about
this nigga, right? It's gotta be."
"It's gotta be this nigga next to me."
You've seen
visibly gay people before?
Why you niggas acting so fucking quiet?
It's okay. I've seen visibly gay children.
You've never seen a kid, and been like,
"Oh, shit, later, for sure."
You've never watched,
like, MasterChef Junior?
They're like,
"This kid thinks he's just into souffles."
That's not the point.
The point is, I was trying to buy a drink,
and they wouldn't sell it to me.
But this gay guy,
he walks right up to me, I swear.
And he goes, "Hey...
I'll buy your drinks all night."
And I was like, "Thank you."
"I'll have a beer and a shot, young man."
And I got that shit, man.
I slammed the shot
and I start sipping the beer.
But as I'm sipping the beer,
I could see the bartender
who refused to serve me.
She's sort of like chuckling,
like, laughing at me.
Which pissed me off,
'cause I'm like, "I just beat the system."
"What the fuck is so funny?" You know?
And she says, "I'm laughing
because you know he only bought you that
so he could have sex with you later."
And I got to admit,
I had not considered that.
But I already took the shot.
So, I asked him, I was like,
"Hey, man, is that shit true?"
He says, "Well, that's the plan."
I said, "That's your fucking plan?"
"You think you're gonna
buy me drinks all night
to the point I get so drunk
I end up having sex with you later?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Challenge accepted."
"Let's see where this shit goes, bro."
I gotta tell you,
this nigga was a worthy adversary.
Yo, he bought me drinks all fucking night.
And he would check on me too.
He'd walk up to me, and he'd touch,
like, the small of my back.
And he'd go,
"So, how you feeling, big boy?"
And I was like, "Still straight, bro."
"I don't know, maybe some of that 1942
might loosen me up."
"It's usually too expensive for my taste,
but for science,
let's leave no stone unturned."
I blue-balled the fuck out of Marco.
That was his name, Marco.
I will never forget his name
as long as I live.
'Cause when I asked him his name,
he said the craziest shit
I ever heard in my life.
I swear this is true.
I asked him his name, and he was like,
"My name is Marco.
I like to dance and I like to suck cock."
And I was like, "Okay."
"You're coming in
a little hot there, Marco."
"I guess I'll keep that shit in mind
in case somebody gets you
for Secret Santa."
That's when I imagined that would come up.
"Hey, what should we get
Marco in accounting?"
"Well...
he was just telling me that he likes
to dance and suck cock, so...
a cape."
What do you get the man that has it all?
I drink till 9:30 in the morning
on Marco's tab.
That nigga was furious.
He stormed out of that bar,
he whipped his cape back.
I was drunk as shit.
I was like, "Good game, bro."
"Both teams played hard, my man."
I thought it was funny,
but you know who wasn't laughing?
It was that fucking bartender.
She was staring at me
like I did something wrong.
She was like,
"You took advantage of that guy."
I was like, "Me?"
"First of all,
he tried to take advantage of me first."
"I don't know if you remember,
he was trying to fuck me."
I won fair and square!
I wasn't trying to take advantage of him.
I accepted his challenge for two reasons.
One, I wanted to drink
and they refused to serve me.
And two, if there's a number of drinks
that I can have
that's gonna make me have sex with a dude,
I would like to know that fucking number.
That's really good information to have.
I wanna be able to walk into a bar
and slam my card down,
and be like,
"All right, cut me off at eight."
Don't ask me how I know, just...
Eight sounds low. I would...
I should maybe change that number.
You know, you don't wanna
fly too close to the sun.
My point is, I think we're too uptight
about sexuality in this country.
We should be able to live
and let people live, right?
I don't tell that story in no disrespect.
I have no problem with anybody
in the LGBTQ+, big girls too. I...
Shout out to all the pluses out there.
I do, I think we're too uptight, man.
One of my best friends in the world.
I've known this nigga since middle school.
He just came out the closet to us
a couple years ago.
His name's Gay Kevin.
Here's the thing, we call him Gay Kevin
'cause we know another Kevin.
He came out the closet to us,
but we already knew he was gay.
He insisted on coming out.
He still wanted to come out.
We was like,
"Bro, you don't gotta do this shit, man."
"We know. We've seen you run."
But he wanted to come out,
so we let him, you know?
Gave him that moment.
I don't know if you ever had a friend
come out the closet to you
that you already know is gay,
but if you haven't, just listen.
Be supportive. Act surprised.
Pretend you don't see
what's in plain sight.
It's a lot like playing hide and seek
with a toddler.
You're like,
"What, in the closet this whole time?"
"I didn't even see your shoes."
We went to Pride with him.
He convinced us to go.
You know how he convinced me to go?
He told me that gay people
are just as discriminated against
in this country as Black people.
I don't know if it's true,
but if it is true,
them niggas is handling it
a lot better than we are.
I had a fucking blast
at that Pride parade.
I had so much fun, I didn't feel sorry
for none of them niggas,
I'll be honest with you.
I told them though,
I was like, "You want my sympathy,
you gotta dial back that glitter."
It's hard to feel sorry
for a nigga on roller skates.
I don't know if you've ever been
to a Black march, but it's not as...
I'm not gonna say it's not fun,
but it's a lot harder to find Molly there.
Nobody's in a thong for Trayvon.
I love that still.
My point is I had a great time, man.
And we went to a gay bar afterwards.
I'd never been to a gay bar before.
That shit was a little
too much excitement for me.
You know, it was cool, but I was like,
"Nah, I shouldn't be here."
I had seven drinks and went straight home.
Respectfully, respectfully,
gay bars are intense.
Any straight guy ever been to a gay bar?
You know what the fuck
I'm talking about then.
That shit is not like a regular bar.
There's a lot going on.
They got smoke machines
and lasers and fucking costumes.
It's a lot more excitement
than a straight bar.
Straight bars are boring as shit.
Just a bunch of guys
lined up watching football on mute.
Nothing exciting is ever happening
at a straight bar.
Nobody's getting their dick sucked
at a straight bar.
Hell no, we use that bathroom for shits.
You take a shit in a gay bar,
they will ask you to leave
for ruining the vibes.
I don't know if that's true, it's just...
I just haven't been corrected yet.
I think that's where homophobia
comes from. It's just jealousy.
Straight guys find out
how much fun gay guys have,
we be like, "Man, fuck them niggas."
"Nobody deserve to be that happy."
Straight guys hate gay guys the way
poor people hate rich people.
Like, "Really?
You get your dick sucked at the bar?"
"You know, some of us have to work."
"We live in a society, sir."
That's what...
That's what dating feels like, is work.
I went on a date not too long ago, man.
That shit sucked.
It didn't suck. She was sweet.
She was great. Beautiful.
But I just knew it wasn't
gonna work out like immediately.
You ever go on a date with somebody
and you're like, "This is not gonna work."
She said something. I knew immediately.
She told me that she usually
only dates high-value men.
And I knew I was not a high value-man
by how defensive I got immediately.
I was like, "What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?"
I was so mad, but I just didn't know
what the fuck she meant.
But I was like,
"What is a high-value man?"
She was like, "Well, a high-value man
is someone who is tall, muscular."
"He's gotta be his own boss
and make his own money."
"He's gotta be well-traveled,
educated, kind."
"He's gotta be healed
from all his trauma."
I was so impressed by her list.
I started helping her imagine that nigga.
I was like,
"He should drive a motorcycle."
"When can we meet him?"
This nigga sound amazing.
She asked me my type.
I was like, "Whoever says yes, honestly."
I date women like I play Jenga.
I just poke around for a loose one.
And just...
It made me want to think of a list.
I'm like, "Damn, what should I--
I should come up with a list."
"I need a type."
All my friends are like married
and in relationships.
Colin Jost, he's married
to Scarlett Johansson.
Fuck you.
Yeah, you cheer, but I don't think
you realize how that makes me feel.
We have the exact same job.
Somehow this nigga's married
to the biggest movie star in the world,
and I'm out here blue-balling gay niggas
at after-hour bars.
I'm sorry to yell.
It just burns me up.
You know what's the most annoying part?
You know what really bothers me about
Colin being married to Scarlett Johansson?
Is that he acts like it's normal.
Isn't that fucking annoying?
He acts like it's not a miracle.
Because we don't live that far
from each other.
We live like five minutes away
from each other.
Sometimes he'll call me and be like,
"Hey, man,
we're having dinner at the house."
"It's just me and Scarlett.
Why don't you bring a date?"
"We could do a double date thing."
I'm like, "I can't bring
the women that I date..."
"...to Scarlett Johansson's house."
I don't need her calling my phone like,
"Hey, I think your date
stole our silverware."
I'm like, "Yeah, she do that sometimes
when she... she gets nervous."
"I thought I heard her jingling
in the Uber."
"I'll keep an eye out for you, Scar."
"Can I call you Scar?"
Whatever, fuck him.
I'm not jealous or anything,
because I don't even want
to be married, to be honest with you.
The only time I think about being married
is for, like, the perks.
Like I would love to be married
so that I could get out of doing things...
by blaming my wife.
Like, that seems like fun.
Like if I don't want to go somewhere,
just be like,
"Man, I would love to go, but my wife..."
"I would love to go to your wedding,
but my wife hates weddings."
"I don't know why, she just wants
to stay home and play Madden with me."
"I don't know,
she's a real bitch, I guess."
I can't call my imaginary wife a bitch?
"Well, your kid's turning two,
you're having a party?"
"Man, I would love to go, but my wife...
My wife hates kids."
"I know, she's a bitch."
I heard that before, actually.
You know who told me that?
An older guy told me that.
I won't say who,
because I still work for him.
But I was complaining
about my family, like, you know,
borrowing money all the time.
And he was like, "You know, Che...
if you get married, you won't always have
to be the bad guy."
And I was like,
"Damn, Lorne, that's genius."
I might try that.
But I'm always scared.
Like, what if it don't work out, you know?
That's the thing about marriages.
They don't always work out.
And I think I know why.
I think it's because married people
get their wedding way too soon.
You get it, like, immediately.
Some people don't even want to be married.
They just want the fucking wedding.
Then they get the wedding
and they don't want to be married
and there's nothing to look forward to.
I think married people should have
to earn their wedding a little bit longer.
Yeah.
You don't get graduation
because you just signed up for school.
You got to pass some hard tests first.
I think you should get your wedding
after your marriage.
When I get married, I want my wedding
during the divorce.
It'd be way more fun.
You just do the wedding backwards
so it makes more sense for a divorce.
I want my divorce wedding to start with me
and my ex-wife backing into a church.
All of our friends and family are
outside throwing shit at us.
And then we walk up the aisle
and I pull the veil over her face.
And I take back my ring
and all my promises.
And I watch her leave the church
with her dad.
And we're not allowed
to see each other anymore
'cause it's bad luck.
It'd be beautiful. Wouldn't that be fun?
Wouldn't that be more fun
than whatever the fuck weddings are now?
They're gross.
It's too intimate.
It's like, ugh.
Two people, I'm saying,
it's like two people
confessing their love in a church.
You're like,
"I don't wanna see that shit."
It's uncomfortable.
I'd rather watch them fuck.
Invite me to the honeymoon,
I'll watch that.
I'll watch that shit.
I'll sit in the chair
right across from the bed.
Little Diddy chair.
You know the Diddy chair in the hotel.
That chair facing the bed for some reason.
Who the fuck is sitting there?
The CEO of Bad Boy Records, that's who.
No Diddy jokes, I'm sorry.
Diddy's in jail right now
for paying for sex.
All the fucked-up shit he did,
and he's charged with paying for sex,
which is like, come on.
Listen, I used to think
paying for sex was gross,
but that's because I was poor.
It don't sound that crazy anymore.
I've never paid for sex before,
by the way.
I don't want
to fucking get that out there.
But it's not because I'm above it.
I just don't know
how to find a prostitute.
They're hard to find.
It's not like you could just ask.
You could ask, but you better be right.
It's hard to ask anything after that shit.
"Oh, no? So, what do you do?"
They don't like that.
It's just sex. Why can't we pay for it?
If somebody wants to sell you sex,
why can't you just pay for it?
We need it. It's important, right?
There's like five basic needs
for human life.
There's food, water,
shelter, clothing, and sex.
All of those things are for sale,
except sex. You think that's fair?
Could you imagine starving to death
because you lack charisma?
"Why are you homeless?"
Because I'm shy.
And by the way,
I don't want this to come up as sexist.
I think women should pay for sex too.
They won't.
But you should.
Listen, I'm not even the best lover
in the world,
but there's been nights where I was like,
"I should be compensated for this."
"I deserve 40 dollars."
Forty-- Listen, 40 dollars
doesn't sound like a lot but...
it would mean a lot.
It would be so nice
if a lady just gave me 40 dollars,
like, "Hey, man, I seen you fighting
through that charley horse."
"Take these 20s,
get yourself a ribeye."
"I know you was in a push-up position
for longer than you've ever been
in a push-up position."
"Get you some coconut water, big dog."
Wouldn't that be dope?
I mean, of all the shit you can pay for,
why can't you pay for sex too?
You could pay for a massage.
You could pay somebody
to rub your entire body
except for the part...
...that you really want them to rub.
What a nasty trick that is.
That's like taking a kid
to smell ice cream.
You know, some massage parlors
offer a happy ending.
Well, they call it a "happy ending,"
but it's actually a hand job.
I don't know why they call it
a "happy ending."
A hand job is a lot of things.
It ain't no fucking happy ending.
It's a nice start.
That is not how you want
to land the plane.
I've never gotten a hand job and thought,
"Man, I hope this don't go no further."
Nobody likes a hand job.
You settle for a hand job.
You know they say every great compromise
leaves both parties unsatisfied?
That's a hand job.
Just two people quietly
staring at each other,
waiting for the other one to give up.
You know, say what you will about Diddy,
but there's a lot worse niggas than him.
Hey, he wasn't on that Epstein list.
How fucking shocking was that?
He wasn't, I checked.
I skimmed.
I was looking for all my heroes.
He wasn't on there.
It was all white guys.
Blackest name I found on that Epstein list
was the redacted ink.
I knew it was gonna be all white guys too
as soon as I found out it was emails.
I was like, "Emails?"
"What self-respecting
Black criminal answers emails?"
Everybody's so gross.
All of Hollywood is gross.
It's scary. They used to say,
"Don't meet your heroes."
Don't Google them either.
That shit will fuck up your playlist.
You'd be working out to Adele.
Ain't nobody left.
That's just scary for me.
I hope I'm never in those sex scandals.
That shit will be the saddest headline.
With my life? Oof.
"Ten women come forward,
accuse Michael Che
of falling asleep immediately after...
after seven minutes of side sex."
I got to call my lawyer.
"Those bitches is lying.
I was just resting my eyes."
"I had another round in me."
I, in fact, did not.
I like boring sex.
That shit keeps you safe.
Adds years to your career.
I had a threesome one time.
That shit sucked.
Nah, you know, it didn't suck.
It just felt silly doing it.
You know what it felt like?
You ever see that picture of Bob Dylan
where he's playing guitar
and harmonica at the same time?
You're like, "This nigga needs
more people in his band."
At one time, I will say,
I was dating this girl
for like four years,
and it was Valentine's Day.
And that's another reason
why I like being single,
is because I don't got to worry
about gifts no more, you know?
Gifts are-- It's just--
It's not that I'm cheap,
it's just nonstop.
There's always something coming up
that you gotta buy something for,
like a birthday, Christmas,
anniversary, Valentine's Day,
and they're all special,
and I never know what to get,
because they don't just
tell you what they want,
you gotta like watch TV with them
and wait for them to be like, "Ooh!"
And you're like, "Okay.
I guess I'm buying the Slap Chop."
It's hard to keep coming up with stuff.
But one Valentine's Day,
I came up... I got a good one, man.
I got my girl this gold bracelet.
It had stones on it.
And it was like in the shape of a cat.
It was really expensive.
It cost me a lot of fucking money.
And I surprised her with it.
And she was so excited.
She was like,
"Oh, my God, I can't believe you knew."
"How did you know to get this?
This is so great."
"Oh, my God, I love you so much."
And I was like,
"Yeah, you know, I do what I can."
And she was like,
"Since you got me this special thing,
I want to do something special for you."
And I was like, "Word."
And she was like, "Yeah, I was thinking
maybe this Valentine's Day
we could try anal."
And I was like, "No."
"Buy me something."
"I fucking bought you something."
"I don't want your dumb butt."
What was I supposed to be like?
"Mm-mm! Just what I wanted!"
"That sweet, sweet, stinky butthole."
"How lucky can one guy be?"
[chuckles# I hope I ruined
somebody's anniversary tonight.
Men don't like that shit.
We don't like anal sex.
We just know you don't like it.
So it's funny.
It's funny to ask.
Men want anal sex
the way women want a sensitive man.
It just sounds nice
until you see them crying.
That's my favorite joke of the night.
I don't care if you don't like it.
I don't care, I stand by it.
It's true. Who the fuck likes
vagina and asshole?
"Hey, do you like pussy
but wish it was dry,
you had to go slow, and there was poop
in the back? Well..."
"Do I have the Valentine's Day
surprise for you?"
I guess I'm just a romantic.
My point is, you should be able
to pay for sex if you want to.
I mean, really, why not?
You can buy a gun in this country,
but you can't pay for sex.
What type of message
does that send to the children?
I'm serious.
All these fucking lonely, depressed,
sad motherfuckers in this world...
I guarantee you,
the next time some frustrated,
isolated kid tried to buy a gun,
if he was offered a blow job
at the same price...
Our schools would be safe.
Captain Kirk might still be here.
It's worth a shot.
I worry about the future.
You know, a friend of mine
actually asked me if I would donate sperm
so that she and her partner
could have a baby.
And I thought about it.
I decided not to.
Well, for two reasons.
One, call me old-fashioned,
but I just feel like
if I'm gonna make a child,
it should be by mistake. And two...
The other reason is I found out
when you donate sperm,
I don't know if you noticed, but they
make you jerk yourself off, which...
"I thought this was a medical procedure."
"Give me a professional in here."
"Well, they don't take blood that way."
When you go to give blood,
they don't just shove you
in a room with a needle and a porno.
I'm also just a little afraid,
if I'm being serious,
because of the way I grew up.
Like, I grew up really poor, you know?
Public assistance, public housing.
My mother worked, but you know,
it was just like menial jobs
that they gave Black women
in those days.
Cleaning houses, flying airplanes...
You know, that old stereotypical job.
My point is, we grew up really poor.
We didn't have shit.
And if I have kids now,
they're going to have access
to everything I never had growing up.
I don't want to see that shit, man.
Fucking rich kids.
What am I going to do with rich kids?
They all white.
No offense.
I don't care what color you are.
If you rich,
your kids is going to be white.
Them niggas is gonna be allergic to bread.
It's just the way money works.
I don't know why.
What the fuck am I gonna do
with rich, white kids?
Can't even hit them niggas.
You can't hit rich kids.
They got therapists, and lawyers,
and teachers that ask questions.
You think Will Smith beats his children?
Of course not.
That's why they all dress
like Fortnite characters.
Isn't that something?
Isn't that something?
As parents, you want to work so hard
so your kids never have to struggle,
and then you just end up
with a bunch of kids
that have never struggled.
Who the fuck wants that?
I want my kids to have everything.
I just want them to have nothing first
for a real long time.
And then they meet me.
And I save them.
And they love me.
And they appreciate me.
And they owe me.
I think every parent gets
where I'm fucking coming from, right?
Even in the Bible, God is like, "You know,
before me, there was nothing.
"You're welcome."
That's the kind of dad I want to be.
I want to be a father
the way God's a father.
Distant.
I want my kids to question
my existence sometimes.
Like, "I don't think he's real."
"How come I've never seen him?"
"He doesn't answer when I call."
All right, I'm not trying
to be sacrilegious.
I think God loves us. I think he just
had us at a very young age.
He realized he had more living to do.
"I gotta get the fuck out of here.
Here, take this book. I'll be right back."
I ain't seen him since.
I think if we keep going to space,
we gonna fuck around
and catch God slipping.
We might see him up there
with his real family.
He gonna be so shocked to see us.
"Hey little man, what you doing up here?"
"How'd you get to Mars?"
"You look good."
"Did you get that book?
I left you a book."
"Did you read it?"
"Too confusing? Yeah."
"I was going through some shit
when I wrote that."
"How's Earth?"
"Oh, she's dying?"
"Aw. I really liked Earth."
"It must have been hard for her,
me not being around."
"Well, it would mean a lot to me
if you would come stay up here
with me for eternity."
But my wife is such...
Minnesota, thank you so much.
My name is Michael Che, good night.
It's over
Over
My, my, my good thing is over
Over
The masquerade is over
Over
- Whoa, whoa, Lord, it's over
- Over
I can't find my way without you
It's over, girl
'Cause I can't see you
I can't see you when I want to
Once I told ya
You were my water
Let me in
I wanna be closer to you
Open up your soul
Let me find that part of you
The part that nobody ever knew
Let me touch your mind...
What's good?
Oh, oh, oh!
What's up? What's up? What's up?
Goddamn.
Oh, shit.
You know, I was nervous to come out here,
but I feel so fucking good right now.
Damn.
I might get emotional.
I feel like Erika Kirk on this stage.
That's no disrespect to the Kirks,
by the way.
I don't know if the Kirks are here.
I'll be honest with you, I don't even know
who Charlie Kirk really is.
I found out about that nigga
the day he got shot.
And the only reason I found out about it
was because people kept messaging me.
They was like, "Charlie Kirk got shot.
You gonna make fun of him on Saturday?"
I didn't know. I thought they was talking
about the dude from Star Trek.
I was like, "What?"
"They shot Captain Kirk?"
"I love those Priceline commercials."
I didn't know who that nigga was.
Then I saw on my timeline all these
older white dudes crying in trucker hats.
I was like, "Wait a minute."
"These don't look like Trekkies."
They didn't sound like Trekkies neither.
They was like, "They shot Charlie.
You niggers are gonna pay for this."
I was like, "Black people
shot Captain Kirk? For what?"
"I didn't even know we was mad at him."
Then they said he got shot in Utah.
I was like, "Ain't no niggas in Utah."
"Who shot him, Karl Malone?"
Now, why would NBA legend
Karl Malone shoot Captain Charlie T. Kirk
of the Starship Enterprise?
That don't make no sense.
I was baffled.
Then I saw there was a video,
and I was like,
"Oh, maybe that'll clear things up."
I wish I did not see that shit.
I don't know if you saw,
but it's fucked up.
He's in Utah, and somebody
in the crowd asked him a question
about gun violence,
and I guess he got it wrong.
They shot that nigga like Squid Games.
I was like, "Whoa!"
The fuck has gotten into Karl Malone?
Apparently they take trivia
real serious in Utah.
I still don't know why
they shot that white man.
And it's been explained to me.
Just nothing makes sense!
My homegirl told me,
"He got shot because he said
Black women shouldn't be pilots."
I was like, "I don't think they are."
Oh, fuck you,
I have to fly a lot for this job.
I have never seen one.
TSA, sure, yeah, a lot.
I'm not saying
there's no Black women pilots,
but not enough
to go pissing off Karl Malone.
Pick your battles, Captain.
The best explanation I heard
was that apparently in this country,
straight white Christian conservative men
are being silenced.
Nah, I really heard that shit.
Apparently it's true.
I didn't know,
but I learned that in an argument.
I'm not even gonna say it was an argument.
I was having a very heated,
yet respectful debate
with this retarded guy.
I know you shouldn't use that word, but...
I do.
I do, I fucking use it.
It's 'cause I still see them.
I'll stop saying it when I stop seeing it.
And even when I don't say it,
I'm thinking it.
You don't think it?
You don't think it?
Not even in traffic?
You can take it out of here.
You can't take it out of here.
And you can't take it out of here.
I had a white lady follow me
to my car after a show.
She was so mad. She was like, "You know,
you really shouldn't use that word."
"I have a child with special needs."
I was like, "Is he retarded?"
She said, "No, he's not retarded."
I was like, "What the fuck you bring him
up for? I wasn't even talking about him."
You're all so tense.
No, fuck... Imagine you got special needs
and every time somebody
said the word retarded,
your mother was like,
"Hey, that's my son you're talking about."
Anyway, she did not like that logic.
That shit pissed her off even more.
She was like, "Well,
what if I went around using the N-word?"
I said, "Try it."
"I'm kind of curious myself, lady.
Let's see what happens."
"Who knows? You might become a star."
"Hey, they might let you roast Kevin Hart.
Who knows?"
I don't fucking care.
White people always try
to threaten you with that shit.
"What if I called you the N-word?"
Like, I feel like you just did.
Right? Like, what the fuck?
I don't care. I don't care what you say.
The N-word only bothers me
when I have to listen to white people.
Like, if a judge called me
a nigger in court, I'd be like,
"Well, this is gonna be a short trial."
"I guess I could cancel
that Uber ride home."
Just some regular white lady.
I don't give a fuck what you say.
A homeless dude called me a nigger
in the street.
I didn't even break stride.
I just let him say that shit.
And he was yelling it.
He was like, "You're a nigger."
I was like, "Ooh, you got me."
"Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go eat some people food."
"You enjoy your white supremacy."
My point is, we gotta stop protecting
these niggas' feelings, man.
Ever since we stopped
using the word retarded,
retarded people
have taken over the world.
I don't think that shit's a coincidence.
I think if we still used
the word retarded,
Donald Trump
could have never been president.
I could've diagnosed
that nigga immediately.
That's my theory. That's why he won.
We didn't have a word to call him.
And he just kept getting stronger
and stronger.
Now, we can't stop him.
Even Karl Malone
keeps missing this nigga, like...
"This nigga's too retarded to shoot."
I watched those debates. They never know
what the fuck to say to that guy.
They don't got the language.
They'd be like, "Come on, this guy
can't be president. He's clearly..."
Like, just say it.
They make shit up. "He's unpresidential."
It's like, "No, he's a retarded guy."
What the fuck are we looking at?
His tie is down to his balls.
You know what I'm talking about.
I know you know what I'm talking about.
'Cause every time I turn on the news,
Minnesota is fighting
some group of retards.
No, it's important to say it.
Retarded meaning regressive.
Bunch of motherfuckers trying
to take all our rights away.
Yeah!
And I love this place for that reason.
I also do a lot of business in Minnesota.
Y'all don't know this,
but I own like three daycares.
Say what you will,
it's a great no-show job, I promise you.
Trump's not just dangerous
because he's retarded, he's also--
He's like a... He's like a retard whisperer.
You know what I mean?
Like, he know how to talk to them niggas.
He's like... They communicate like dolphins.
He know exactly
what to say to get retarded people
to just dress up like Vikings and start...
Start storming shit.
- You know what I'm talking about.
- Yeah!
That's all politics is these days.
Just retard whispering.
Why you think
they spend so much money on hats?
Retarded guys love hats.
And Donald Trump makes
the greatest retarded hat.
That shit is--
He know all the shit they like,
fire engine red.
You give a retarded guy a free hat,
you have made a friend...
...for life.
They love that fucking hat.
You can't spell hate without hat.
You can't.
He know how to do it. He know how to--
If Donald Trump wasn't president,
he'd be an amazing kindergarten teacher.
You know, like, he know how to talk to
niggas that don't like to think that much.
Every time I say that,
there's always teachers
in the audience that don't like that shit,
but you're thinking about it as a teacher.
Think about it as a six-year-old.
Imagine you in kindergarten
and Joe Biden is your fucking teacher.
You know how spooky
that nigga would be in the morning?
For children?
Kamala Harris with her assistant
principal energy? Like, nobody...
Every time I see Kamala Harris, I feel
like she should be wearing a whistle.
I don't know why. I mean...
Don't she look like
the lady with the whistle?
Now, imagine Donald Trump's
your kindergarten teacher.
How much fun would that fucking class be?
He'd show up with a box of red hats,
McDonald's for everybody.
Like, "Hey, you little niggas wanna watch
UFC on the lawn?"
Like, "Fuck yeah,
I wanna watch UFC on the lawn!"
"Come on, let's take a doo-doo
in Nancy Pelosi's desk." Like, fuck...
This nigga's awesome.
This is how they talk to us, by the way.
This is how we pick the president.
And we deserve it, 'cause we don't take
this shit serious enough.
I know we don't take it serious enough,
because Donald Trump is terrible,
and we still don't even know
who the next president's going to be.
You would think
we would have learned our lesson
and just had them planned out
for the next ten years or so.
If it's the most important job
in the free world, we still don't know?
There's no list?
Right now, ESPN has a list
of the top 500 high school quarterbacks
in the country.
But every four years, we end up
in this fucked up Would You Rather.
One nigga's 80,
the other nigga's eightier.
You know who I thought
was gonna be president?
Was that Pete Buttigieg guy. Remember him?
And I don't even know anything
about his politics.
He just looks like somebody
y'all would vote for.
You know what I mean. He's like
some clean-cut, young, white dude.
Marine. He was mayor. Harvard grad.
And, uh,
one other thing I can never remember.
Yeah, he's gay, that's right.
He's mad gay.
And apparently you can't be gay
and president, which is hilarious,
'cause when the fuck
would that even come up in the job?
When would that come? "Mr. President,
we need you to eat this pussy."
"Uh-uh."
"Please, Mr. President."
"Just taste it." "Uh-uh."
"I ain't say I was gonna do all that."
"I'm here for budget stuff."
And that's not even conservatives.
You can't even blame conservatives for
that shit. He didn't even get that far.
Liberals was saying that.
I saw that shit on MSNBC.
I'm serious, they was like,
"Is America really ready
to have our first gay president?"
It was a ridiculous question,
'cause there's no way
he would be our first gay president.
We had 46 dudes in a row.
Statistically...
two of them niggas was something.
We used to have a party called the Whigs.
I'd start there.
Now, that's a fun question.
Who was our first gay president?
I heard Abraham Lincoln was gay.
Wouldn't that be something?
Man who freed the slaves
wasn't even free himself.
And I believe it too,
because he got shot in the theater.
That's a pretty gay way to die.
John Wilkes Booth was like,
"I know where that slut is."
He probably went
to go see Kinky Boots again.
"Shoot him in his hat."
"Shoot him in that stupid ass hat
he always wears."
This is why they don't let me do sketches
on Saturday Night Live.
My only impression
is gay John Wilkes Booth.
This shit is not very current.
If you don't know
who John Wilkes Booth is,
he's the Karl Malone of his generation.
That's why I wanted to do this special,
'cause I wanted people
to take me seriously as a professional.
I'm getting up there, I'm getting older,
and no one tells you
that you're getting old.
You gotta discover that shit on your own.
You know how I found out
I was getting old?
I was listening to Eminem one day,
and I started taking his mother's side.
I was like, "Come on, man,
she made you spaghetti."
"Forgive her."
I wanna take better care of myself, man.
I'm trying to slow down my drinking
so I don't have to quit.
Anybody at that point?
I wanna drink less
so that I could drink forever.
That's my worst nightmare
is to come home drunk from the bar,
and my whole family's just sitting
in my living room with notes.
Be like, "Ah, I had a good run though,
didn't I, Mom?"
That's what happens,
you get a certain age,
they don't let you drink no more
if you drink too much.
Happened to my daddy.
He's never allowed to drink again.
I feel so bad for him.
It was his favorite thing!
I feel bad. Like, let him have a drink.
He's almost 80. Who's he gonna hit now?
Oh, it gets way worse than that.
My point is, it's my only vice.
It's the only thing I like to do, man.
Like, people think I smoke a lot of weed
'cause I talk like this, but I don't.
I don't do drugs. I've never done cocaine.
I've tried it a bunch,
but I never, like, did it.
Alcohol, that's all I like.
That's all I like to do.
And it's not even
that I drink all the time.
It's just when I drink,
I drink for a very long time.
I drink all fucking night.
And that's my problem with the Midwest,
because your bars close
entirely too early.
- Like two o'clock, right?
- Yeah!
Fucking amateurs.
I bet you all still have dreams,
don't you?
I like to drink late.
Sometimes I leave the bar so late,
I see dudes my age
taking their kids to school.
And we both just look at each other like,
"Boy, did you fuck up your life?"
There you go.
In New York, you can do that,
'cause we got after-hour bars.
But you gotta have cash,
because it's illegal as fuck.
They don't take cards.
I learned that shit the hard way.
One time, I went
to this after-hours bar in New York
and I didn't have no cash on me.
I just had my card.
And I tried to get the bartender
to start a tab,
and she refused. She literally refused.
We got into, like, a shouting match
in the middle of the bar,
but I got lucky,
'cause in the middle of the argument,
this gay guy, he walks right up to me,
and I knew he was a gay guy
because I took one look at him.
And he was...
He was like-- You know what I mean?
He was, like, visibly gay. Like...
No, I'm not trying to be rude.
I'm just-- If a cop came in, and was like,
"Hey, we're looking for a gay guy
who stole a purse."
I'd be like, "You talking about
this nigga, right? It's gotta be."
"It's gotta be this nigga next to me."
You've seen
visibly gay people before?
Why you niggas acting so fucking quiet?
It's okay. I've seen visibly gay children.
You've never seen a kid, and been like,
"Oh, shit, later, for sure."
You've never watched,
like, MasterChef Junior?
They're like,
"This kid thinks he's just into souffles."
That's not the point.
The point is, I was trying to buy a drink,
and they wouldn't sell it to me.
But this gay guy,
he walks right up to me, I swear.
And he goes, "Hey...
I'll buy your drinks all night."
And I was like, "Thank you."
"I'll have a beer and a shot, young man."
And I got that shit, man.
I slammed the shot
and I start sipping the beer.
But as I'm sipping the beer,
I could see the bartender
who refused to serve me.
She's sort of like chuckling,
like, laughing at me.
Which pissed me off,
'cause I'm like, "I just beat the system."
"What the fuck is so funny?" You know?
And she says, "I'm laughing
because you know he only bought you that
so he could have sex with you later."
And I got to admit,
I had not considered that.
But I already took the shot.
So, I asked him, I was like,
"Hey, man, is that shit true?"
He says, "Well, that's the plan."
I said, "That's your fucking plan?"
"You think you're gonna
buy me drinks all night
to the point I get so drunk
I end up having sex with you later?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Challenge accepted."
"Let's see where this shit goes, bro."
I gotta tell you,
this nigga was a worthy adversary.
Yo, he bought me drinks all fucking night.
And he would check on me too.
He'd walk up to me, and he'd touch,
like, the small of my back.
And he'd go,
"So, how you feeling, big boy?"
And I was like, "Still straight, bro."
"I don't know, maybe some of that 1942
might loosen me up."
"It's usually too expensive for my taste,
but for science,
let's leave no stone unturned."
I blue-balled the fuck out of Marco.
That was his name, Marco.
I will never forget his name
as long as I live.
'Cause when I asked him his name,
he said the craziest shit
I ever heard in my life.
I swear this is true.
I asked him his name, and he was like,
"My name is Marco.
I like to dance and I like to suck cock."
And I was like, "Okay."
"You're coming in
a little hot there, Marco."
"I guess I'll keep that shit in mind
in case somebody gets you
for Secret Santa."
That's when I imagined that would come up.
"Hey, what should we get
Marco in accounting?"
"Well...
he was just telling me that he likes
to dance and suck cock, so...
a cape."
What do you get the man that has it all?
I drink till 9:30 in the morning
on Marco's tab.
That nigga was furious.
He stormed out of that bar,
he whipped his cape back.
I was drunk as shit.
I was like, "Good game, bro."
"Both teams played hard, my man."
I thought it was funny,
but you know who wasn't laughing?
It was that fucking bartender.
She was staring at me
like I did something wrong.
She was like,
"You took advantage of that guy."
I was like, "Me?"
"First of all,
he tried to take advantage of me first."
"I don't know if you remember,
he was trying to fuck me."
I won fair and square!
I wasn't trying to take advantage of him.
I accepted his challenge for two reasons.
One, I wanted to drink
and they refused to serve me.
And two, if there's a number of drinks
that I can have
that's gonna make me have sex with a dude,
I would like to know that fucking number.
That's really good information to have.
I wanna be able to walk into a bar
and slam my card down,
and be like,
"All right, cut me off at eight."
Don't ask me how I know, just...
Eight sounds low. I would...
I should maybe change that number.
You know, you don't wanna
fly too close to the sun.
My point is, I think we're too uptight
about sexuality in this country.
We should be able to live
and let people live, right?
I don't tell that story in no disrespect.
I have no problem with anybody
in the LGBTQ+, big girls too. I...
Shout out to all the pluses out there.
I do, I think we're too uptight, man.
One of my best friends in the world.
I've known this nigga since middle school.
He just came out the closet to us
a couple years ago.
His name's Gay Kevin.
Here's the thing, we call him Gay Kevin
'cause we know another Kevin.
He came out the closet to us,
but we already knew he was gay.
He insisted on coming out.
He still wanted to come out.
We was like,
"Bro, you don't gotta do this shit, man."
"We know. We've seen you run."
But he wanted to come out,
so we let him, you know?
Gave him that moment.
I don't know if you ever had a friend
come out the closet to you
that you already know is gay,
but if you haven't, just listen.
Be supportive. Act surprised.
Pretend you don't see
what's in plain sight.
It's a lot like playing hide and seek
with a toddler.
You're like,
"What, in the closet this whole time?"
"I didn't even see your shoes."
We went to Pride with him.
He convinced us to go.
You know how he convinced me to go?
He told me that gay people
are just as discriminated against
in this country as Black people.
I don't know if it's true,
but if it is true,
them niggas is handling it
a lot better than we are.
I had a fucking blast
at that Pride parade.
I had so much fun, I didn't feel sorry
for none of them niggas,
I'll be honest with you.
I told them though,
I was like, "You want my sympathy,
you gotta dial back that glitter."
It's hard to feel sorry
for a nigga on roller skates.
I don't know if you've ever been
to a Black march, but it's not as...
I'm not gonna say it's not fun,
but it's a lot harder to find Molly there.
Nobody's in a thong for Trayvon.
I love that still.
My point is I had a great time, man.
And we went to a gay bar afterwards.
I'd never been to a gay bar before.
That shit was a little
too much excitement for me.
You know, it was cool, but I was like,
"Nah, I shouldn't be here."
I had seven drinks and went straight home.
Respectfully, respectfully,
gay bars are intense.
Any straight guy ever been to a gay bar?
You know what the fuck
I'm talking about then.
That shit is not like a regular bar.
There's a lot going on.
They got smoke machines
and lasers and fucking costumes.
It's a lot more excitement
than a straight bar.
Straight bars are boring as shit.
Just a bunch of guys
lined up watching football on mute.
Nothing exciting is ever happening
at a straight bar.
Nobody's getting their dick sucked
at a straight bar.
Hell no, we use that bathroom for shits.
You take a shit in a gay bar,
they will ask you to leave
for ruining the vibes.
I don't know if that's true, it's just...
I just haven't been corrected yet.
I think that's where homophobia
comes from. It's just jealousy.
Straight guys find out
how much fun gay guys have,
we be like, "Man, fuck them niggas."
"Nobody deserve to be that happy."
Straight guys hate gay guys the way
poor people hate rich people.
Like, "Really?
You get your dick sucked at the bar?"
"You know, some of us have to work."
"We live in a society, sir."
That's what...
That's what dating feels like, is work.
I went on a date not too long ago, man.
That shit sucked.
It didn't suck. She was sweet.
She was great. Beautiful.
But I just knew it wasn't
gonna work out like immediately.
You ever go on a date with somebody
and you're like, "This is not gonna work."
She said something. I knew immediately.
She told me that she usually
only dates high-value men.
And I knew I was not a high value-man
by how defensive I got immediately.
I was like, "What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?"
I was so mad, but I just didn't know
what the fuck she meant.
But I was like,
"What is a high-value man?"
She was like, "Well, a high-value man
is someone who is tall, muscular."
"He's gotta be his own boss
and make his own money."
"He's gotta be well-traveled,
educated, kind."
"He's gotta be healed
from all his trauma."
I was so impressed by her list.
I started helping her imagine that nigga.
I was like,
"He should drive a motorcycle."
"When can we meet him?"
This nigga sound amazing.
She asked me my type.
I was like, "Whoever says yes, honestly."
I date women like I play Jenga.
I just poke around for a loose one.
And just...
It made me want to think of a list.
I'm like, "Damn, what should I--
I should come up with a list."
"I need a type."
All my friends are like married
and in relationships.
Colin Jost, he's married
to Scarlett Johansson.
Fuck you.
Yeah, you cheer, but I don't think
you realize how that makes me feel.
We have the exact same job.
Somehow this nigga's married
to the biggest movie star in the world,
and I'm out here blue-balling gay niggas
at after-hour bars.
I'm sorry to yell.
It just burns me up.
You know what's the most annoying part?
You know what really bothers me about
Colin being married to Scarlett Johansson?
Is that he acts like it's normal.
Isn't that fucking annoying?
He acts like it's not a miracle.
Because we don't live that far
from each other.
We live like five minutes away
from each other.
Sometimes he'll call me and be like,
"Hey, man,
we're having dinner at the house."
"It's just me and Scarlett.
Why don't you bring a date?"
"We could do a double date thing."
I'm like, "I can't bring
the women that I date..."
"...to Scarlett Johansson's house."
I don't need her calling my phone like,
"Hey, I think your date
stole our silverware."
I'm like, "Yeah, she do that sometimes
when she... she gets nervous."
"I thought I heard her jingling
in the Uber."
"I'll keep an eye out for you, Scar."
"Can I call you Scar?"
Whatever, fuck him.
I'm not jealous or anything,
because I don't even want
to be married, to be honest with you.
The only time I think about being married
is for, like, the perks.
Like I would love to be married
so that I could get out of doing things...
by blaming my wife.
Like, that seems like fun.
Like if I don't want to go somewhere,
just be like,
"Man, I would love to go, but my wife..."
"I would love to go to your wedding,
but my wife hates weddings."
"I don't know why, she just wants
to stay home and play Madden with me."
"I don't know,
she's a real bitch, I guess."
I can't call my imaginary wife a bitch?
"Well, your kid's turning two,
you're having a party?"
"Man, I would love to go, but my wife...
My wife hates kids."
"I know, she's a bitch."
I heard that before, actually.
You know who told me that?
An older guy told me that.
I won't say who,
because I still work for him.
But I was complaining
about my family, like, you know,
borrowing money all the time.
And he was like, "You know, Che...
if you get married, you won't always have
to be the bad guy."
And I was like,
"Damn, Lorne, that's genius."
I might try that.
But I'm always scared.
Like, what if it don't work out, you know?
That's the thing about marriages.
They don't always work out.
And I think I know why.
I think it's because married people
get their wedding way too soon.
You get it, like, immediately.
Some people don't even want to be married.
They just want the fucking wedding.
Then they get the wedding
and they don't want to be married
and there's nothing to look forward to.
I think married people should have
to earn their wedding a little bit longer.
Yeah.
You don't get graduation
because you just signed up for school.
You got to pass some hard tests first.
I think you should get your wedding
after your marriage.
When I get married, I want my wedding
during the divorce.
It'd be way more fun.
You just do the wedding backwards
so it makes more sense for a divorce.
I want my divorce wedding to start with me
and my ex-wife backing into a church.
All of our friends and family are
outside throwing shit at us.
And then we walk up the aisle
and I pull the veil over her face.
And I take back my ring
and all my promises.
And I watch her leave the church
with her dad.
And we're not allowed
to see each other anymore
'cause it's bad luck.
It'd be beautiful. Wouldn't that be fun?
Wouldn't that be more fun
than whatever the fuck weddings are now?
They're gross.
It's too intimate.
It's like, ugh.
Two people, I'm saying,
it's like two people
confessing their love in a church.
You're like,
"I don't wanna see that shit."
It's uncomfortable.
I'd rather watch them fuck.
Invite me to the honeymoon,
I'll watch that.
I'll watch that shit.
I'll sit in the chair
right across from the bed.
Little Diddy chair.
You know the Diddy chair in the hotel.
That chair facing the bed for some reason.
Who the fuck is sitting there?
The CEO of Bad Boy Records, that's who.
No Diddy jokes, I'm sorry.
Diddy's in jail right now
for paying for sex.
All the fucked-up shit he did,
and he's charged with paying for sex,
which is like, come on.
Listen, I used to think
paying for sex was gross,
but that's because I was poor.
It don't sound that crazy anymore.
I've never paid for sex before,
by the way.
I don't want
to fucking get that out there.
But it's not because I'm above it.
I just don't know
how to find a prostitute.
They're hard to find.
It's not like you could just ask.
You could ask, but you better be right.
It's hard to ask anything after that shit.
"Oh, no? So, what do you do?"
They don't like that.
It's just sex. Why can't we pay for it?
If somebody wants to sell you sex,
why can't you just pay for it?
We need it. It's important, right?
There's like five basic needs
for human life.
There's food, water,
shelter, clothing, and sex.
All of those things are for sale,
except sex. You think that's fair?
Could you imagine starving to death
because you lack charisma?
"Why are you homeless?"
Because I'm shy.
And by the way,
I don't want this to come up as sexist.
I think women should pay for sex too.
They won't.
But you should.
Listen, I'm not even the best lover
in the world,
but there's been nights where I was like,
"I should be compensated for this."
"I deserve 40 dollars."
Forty-- Listen, 40 dollars
doesn't sound like a lot but...
it would mean a lot.
It would be so nice
if a lady just gave me 40 dollars,
like, "Hey, man, I seen you fighting
through that charley horse."
"Take these 20s,
get yourself a ribeye."
"I know you was in a push-up position
for longer than you've ever been
in a push-up position."
"Get you some coconut water, big dog."
Wouldn't that be dope?
I mean, of all the shit you can pay for,
why can't you pay for sex too?
You could pay for a massage.
You could pay somebody
to rub your entire body
except for the part...
...that you really want them to rub.
What a nasty trick that is.
That's like taking a kid
to smell ice cream.
You know, some massage parlors
offer a happy ending.
Well, they call it a "happy ending,"
but it's actually a hand job.
I don't know why they call it
a "happy ending."
A hand job is a lot of things.
It ain't no fucking happy ending.
It's a nice start.
That is not how you want
to land the plane.
I've never gotten a hand job and thought,
"Man, I hope this don't go no further."
Nobody likes a hand job.
You settle for a hand job.
You know they say every great compromise
leaves both parties unsatisfied?
That's a hand job.
Just two people quietly
staring at each other,
waiting for the other one to give up.
You know, say what you will about Diddy,
but there's a lot worse niggas than him.
Hey, he wasn't on that Epstein list.
How fucking shocking was that?
He wasn't, I checked.
I skimmed.
I was looking for all my heroes.
He wasn't on there.
It was all white guys.
Blackest name I found on that Epstein list
was the redacted ink.
I knew it was gonna be all white guys too
as soon as I found out it was emails.
I was like, "Emails?"
"What self-respecting
Black criminal answers emails?"
Everybody's so gross.
All of Hollywood is gross.
It's scary. They used to say,
"Don't meet your heroes."
Don't Google them either.
That shit will fuck up your playlist.
You'd be working out to Adele.
Ain't nobody left.
That's just scary for me.
I hope I'm never in those sex scandals.
That shit will be the saddest headline.
With my life? Oof.
"Ten women come forward,
accuse Michael Che
of falling asleep immediately after...
after seven minutes of side sex."
I got to call my lawyer.
"Those bitches is lying.
I was just resting my eyes."
"I had another round in me."
I, in fact, did not.
I like boring sex.
That shit keeps you safe.
Adds years to your career.
I had a threesome one time.
That shit sucked.
Nah, you know, it didn't suck.
It just felt silly doing it.
You know what it felt like?
You ever see that picture of Bob Dylan
where he's playing guitar
and harmonica at the same time?
You're like, "This nigga needs
more people in his band."
At one time, I will say,
I was dating this girl
for like four years,
and it was Valentine's Day.
And that's another reason
why I like being single,
is because I don't got to worry
about gifts no more, you know?
Gifts are-- It's just--
It's not that I'm cheap,
it's just nonstop.
There's always something coming up
that you gotta buy something for,
like a birthday, Christmas,
anniversary, Valentine's Day,
and they're all special,
and I never know what to get,
because they don't just
tell you what they want,
you gotta like watch TV with them
and wait for them to be like, "Ooh!"
And you're like, "Okay.
I guess I'm buying the Slap Chop."
It's hard to keep coming up with stuff.
But one Valentine's Day,
I came up... I got a good one, man.
I got my girl this gold bracelet.
It had stones on it.
And it was like in the shape of a cat.
It was really expensive.
It cost me a lot of fucking money.
And I surprised her with it.
And she was so excited.
She was like,
"Oh, my God, I can't believe you knew."
"How did you know to get this?
This is so great."
"Oh, my God, I love you so much."
And I was like,
"Yeah, you know, I do what I can."
And she was like,
"Since you got me this special thing,
I want to do something special for you."
And I was like, "Word."
And she was like, "Yeah, I was thinking
maybe this Valentine's Day
we could try anal."
And I was like, "No."
"Buy me something."
"I fucking bought you something."
"I don't want your dumb butt."
What was I supposed to be like?
"Mm-mm! Just what I wanted!"
"That sweet, sweet, stinky butthole."
"How lucky can one guy be?"
[chuckles# I hope I ruined
somebody's anniversary tonight.
Men don't like that shit.
We don't like anal sex.
We just know you don't like it.
So it's funny.
It's funny to ask.
Men want anal sex
the way women want a sensitive man.
It just sounds nice
until you see them crying.
That's my favorite joke of the night.
I don't care if you don't like it.
I don't care, I stand by it.
It's true. Who the fuck likes
vagina and asshole?
"Hey, do you like pussy
but wish it was dry,
you had to go slow, and there was poop
in the back? Well..."
"Do I have the Valentine's Day
surprise for you?"
I guess I'm just a romantic.
My point is, you should be able
to pay for sex if you want to.
I mean, really, why not?
You can buy a gun in this country,
but you can't pay for sex.
What type of message
does that send to the children?
I'm serious.
All these fucking lonely, depressed,
sad motherfuckers in this world...
I guarantee you,
the next time some frustrated,
isolated kid tried to buy a gun,
if he was offered a blow job
at the same price...
Our schools would be safe.
Captain Kirk might still be here.
It's worth a shot.
I worry about the future.
You know, a friend of mine
actually asked me if I would donate sperm
so that she and her partner
could have a baby.
And I thought about it.
I decided not to.
Well, for two reasons.
One, call me old-fashioned,
but I just feel like
if I'm gonna make a child,
it should be by mistake. And two...
The other reason is I found out
when you donate sperm,
I don't know if you noticed, but they
make you jerk yourself off, which...
"I thought this was a medical procedure."
"Give me a professional in here."
"Well, they don't take blood that way."
When you go to give blood,
they don't just shove you
in a room with a needle and a porno.
I'm also just a little afraid,
if I'm being serious,
because of the way I grew up.
Like, I grew up really poor, you know?
Public assistance, public housing.
My mother worked, but you know,
it was just like menial jobs
that they gave Black women
in those days.
Cleaning houses, flying airplanes...
You know, that old stereotypical job.
My point is, we grew up really poor.
We didn't have shit.
And if I have kids now,
they're going to have access
to everything I never had growing up.
I don't want to see that shit, man.
Fucking rich kids.
What am I going to do with rich kids?
They all white.
No offense.
I don't care what color you are.
If you rich,
your kids is going to be white.
Them niggas is gonna be allergic to bread.
It's just the way money works.
I don't know why.
What the fuck am I gonna do
with rich, white kids?
Can't even hit them niggas.
You can't hit rich kids.
They got therapists, and lawyers,
and teachers that ask questions.
You think Will Smith beats his children?
Of course not.
That's why they all dress
like Fortnite characters.
Isn't that something?
Isn't that something?
As parents, you want to work so hard
so your kids never have to struggle,
and then you just end up
with a bunch of kids
that have never struggled.
Who the fuck wants that?
I want my kids to have everything.
I just want them to have nothing first
for a real long time.
And then they meet me.
And I save them.
And they love me.
And they appreciate me.
And they owe me.
I think every parent gets
where I'm fucking coming from, right?
Even in the Bible, God is like, "You know,
before me, there was nothing.
"You're welcome."
That's the kind of dad I want to be.
I want to be a father
the way God's a father.
Distant.
I want my kids to question
my existence sometimes.
Like, "I don't think he's real."
"How come I've never seen him?"
"He doesn't answer when I call."
All right, I'm not trying
to be sacrilegious.
I think God loves us. I think he just
had us at a very young age.
He realized he had more living to do.
"I gotta get the fuck out of here.
Here, take this book. I'll be right back."
I ain't seen him since.
I think if we keep going to space,
we gonna fuck around
and catch God slipping.
We might see him up there
with his real family.
He gonna be so shocked to see us.
"Hey little man, what you doing up here?"
"How'd you get to Mars?"
"You look good."
"Did you get that book?
I left you a book."
"Did you read it?"
"Too confusing? Yeah."
"I was going through some shit
when I wrote that."
"How's Earth?"
"Oh, she's dying?"
"Aw. I really liked Earth."
"It must have been hard for her,
me not being around."
"Well, it would mean a lot to me
if you would come stay up here
with me for eternity."
But my wife is such...
Minnesota, thank you so much.
My name is Michael Che, good night.
It's over
Over
My, my, my good thing is over
Over
The masquerade is over
Over
- Whoa, whoa, Lord, it's over
- Over
I can't find my way without you
It's over, girl
'Cause I can't see you
I can't see you when I want to
Once I told ya
You were my water