Michael Kosta: Detroit. NY. LA. (2020) Movie Script
[sighs]
Comedy is a terrible profession.
It is a terrible,
terrible profession.
You get paid nothing
for many, many years.
Everything about it sucks.
But every once in a while,
you have an evening
that makes you do it
for another ten years,
and that's tonight's evening.
Thank you very much.
[jazzy music]
All the lights in New York
are brighter
Because Kosta
is back in town
In Detroit and L.A.
People stop and they say
Michael Kosta
is back in town
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Michael Kosta!
[cheers and applause]
Yeah!
Yeah!
Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
This is great.
Michigan,
we're in the house, huh?
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Love Michigan.
From Ann Arbor.
You know, not too far away.
[cheers and applause]
I live in New York now.
They don't know
what Michigan is.
I'll say,
"Yeah, I'm from Michigan."
And they'll go, "Oh, yeah,
I have a, uh, cousin
in Minneapolis."
And you go, "What?"
"You mean a 15-hour drive west
of where I said I'm from?"
And they go, "Oh, yeah, my, uh,
grandpa fishes in Montana."
Are you just saying places
that start with the letter M?
I grew up middle class.
Love middle class, you know?
I'm wealthy now, but I was
middle class then, you know?
We had everything we needed.
We weren't rich.
We weren't poor.
One summer, I remember
I couldn't go to soccer camp.
My dad said, "We don't
have enough money
to send you to soccer camp."
So, I understand
struggle, you know?
I-I-I understand sacrifice.
And then seven years ago,
my dad retires.
What?
Excuse me?
And he and my mom retire
to New York City.
What?
They got a three-bedroom
condominium
in the Upper West Side
of Manhattan.
Excuse me?
With a doorman.
What?
First time I walked
in their apartment,
I said, "What the fuck is this?
Huh?"
"I can't go to soccer camp
in 1996,
and you got two guest bedrooms
right now?"
So, I live with my parents.
I did!
I did!
I did!
I was 38 years old.
I got hired on "The Daily Show,"
and I was sleeping in a twin bed
at my parents' house,
and it was nice.
It's nice, dude,
I'm telling you.
It's nice, dude!
I'm telling you.
28 with your parents,
something went wrong, you know,
but 38, it's nice, man,
I'm telling you, it's nice.
"Yeah, Mom, make coffee."
They're getting old now.
When I was living with them
before as a kid,
you didn't know they were old,
but now I'm like, "Holy shit,
that's a lot of vitamins
on Dad's plate," you know?
Dad loves vitamins.
Your dad into vitamins?
My dad is into vitamins.
He read a blog on vitamins
four years ago,
and he is sticking with it,
ladies and gentlemen.
Any problem,
vitamins will fix it.
My mom has been depressed.
We don't know why.
"Mom, why are you depressed?"
"Michael, I'm 73.
I can't move like I used to.
I lost two of my friends
this year."
Isn't that sad?
Heartbreaking?
Hearing your mom say that?
My dad, "Ah, she just
needs more zinc."
What?
Is--is that how zinc works, Dad?
Is zinc gonna bring Mom's
dead friends back to life?
This can't--
So, now I'm in New York,
living in New York City.
Greatest city in the world.
You know, that's what
they scream at you
right before they shove you
down the subway stairs.
"Greatest city!
Greatest city!
Greatest!"
Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!
Greatest city!
Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!
Greatest city in the world!
New York City is like
the prettiest girl in the bar
if she was like, "Hey,
prettiest girl's
right fucking here!
Prettiest girl!
Prettiest girl's right here!"
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Yeah, okay, you're pretty,
you're pretty.
You know who's prettier?
The girl behind you
who's shutting the fuck up
for a second.
I think her name's Montreal?
[chuckles]
You walk everywhere in New York.
You guys don't walk
anywhere here.
Holy shit do you
not walk anywhere.
You hate when you see
somebody walking here.
I was walking on the sidewalk.
"Get him!"
You guys drive your car up.
"What's he doing walking?
"Get him!
Hit him!
"Nobody walks!
Detroit, Motor City!
"Hit him!
"No walking allowed here.
Don't even think about
walking."
And you're always wet.
I'm always wet every day
in New York somehow.
Summer, it's humid.
I'm walking.
Ass, wet.
Armpits, wet.
Random air conditioners
dripping on you.
Was that an air conditioner?
I don't know, keep going.
Wet, wet, wet.
Fall, I put a jacket on,
then the sun comes out.
Neck, wet.
Head, wet.
Backpack, wet.
Winter, you put on
all these clothes, right,
then you sit in the subway heat.
Neck, wet.
Hamstrings, wet.
Feet, wet.
Change my socks.
Feet, wet.
Change my socks.
Spring, raining, raining, wet.
Bus, puddles, wet.
I'm always wet!
Living in New York is like
being Leonardo DiCaprio
in every single
one of his movies.
Let's go through 'em.
What do you wanna start with?
"Titanic"?
Drowns to death.
Wet.
"Great Gatsby."
Dies in the pool at the end.
Wet.
"Shutter Island."
It's an island.
Wet.
"The Beach"?
Wet.
Give me some.
Give me some Leonardo movies.
Give me some.
- "Inception"!
"Inception," first dream,
pouring rain--wet.
"Gangs of New York."
He's in the whorehouse
sweating the whole time.
Wet.
"Gilbert Grape."
Takes a bath in the second act.
Wet.
Give me some more!
"Departed."
Movie theater scene.
Wearing a hat.
Starts raining on him.
Wet.
"Revenant."
Starts in a fucking river.
Wet!
"Great Gatsby" I already said.
It was the second example.
What's wrong with this audience?
He dies in the pool at the end.
Pay attention!
Wet!
- "Blood Diamond."
- "Blood Diamond."
Runs into a river shooting
a machine gun, wet.
"Aviator."
Crashes into the ocean: wet.
"Basketball Diaries."
Top of the building jerking off.
Starts raining on him.
Wet.
He's always wet.
He is always wet.
Tom Cruise, always running.
They should do a movie together
called "He's Running, I'm Wet."
My point is that
I hate New York.
[hip-hop music]
My point is that
I hate New York.
It's the only city I've lived in
where I see a pill
on the sidewalk
and I'll pick it up
and swallow it.
I don't know
what I'm gonna feel,
but it's gotta be better
than this shitty reality.
What the fuck are we doing here?
Everybody hates it.
Everybody hates living here.
But we lie, don't we?
We say we love it
to defend our rent
and our life decisions.
"Oh, I love New York."
Number one lie:
"I love the energy.
I love the energy."
It's not energy, you idiots.
It's panic.
It's desperation.
It's poverty.
It's working three jobs
and trying to not get hit
by a bus every time
you step outside.
"Oh, but it's the city
that never sleeps."
Yeah, and that does
explain why everybody's
such a fucking asshole
all the time.
Maybe we should go to bed.
Anybody ever think of that?
That should be
New York's slogan.
"Go to fucking bed, you guys.
Jesus Christ."
Every day,
every day...
I see grown men and women
weeping in the streets.
Wet!
Don't look at your phone when
you're walking; look around.
You will see a grown man
crying in the streets
of Manhattan.
That's not the greatest city
in the world.
I've been a lot of places.
People aren't crying
in the streets
of Sydney, Australia,
or Ann Arbor, Michigan,
where I'm from.
Yeah, you cry there,
you cry there,
but you go home, don't you?
You can't do that here.
You got nine roommates
in your one-bedroom apartment.
You can't cry in front
of them every day.
They'll call you
a pussy every day.
You can't even cry
in the shower.
Two people are showering
at the same time
to save time and money
and energy.
The only good thing about
living in New York City
is that once I got used to
how expensive it was,
now when I go other places--
[blows raspberries]
I feel like a Saudi prince,
you know what I mean?
I was in Kansas City.
I ordered two margaritas.
The guy will be like,
"That'll be 9.75."
And I was like,
"I want 500 margaritas!"
"I am the Saudi prince
of Kansas City.
Give me my change.
I wanna buy a lake house
with it."
It's just hard.
It's just hard.
Even getting here was hard,
wasn't it?
Something about it was hard.
They made you wait out there.
Oh, it was hard.
"I didn't know I was going
to a special shooting."
Hard.
"Pretzels are $26?"
Hard, it's just hard.
It's like we're living in
a pinball game, right,
but the flippers are broken.
And we keep launching balls,
and we keep trying,
trying, trying,
but no-- [whooshes]
Dead!
New ball!
New ball!
Try harder, try harder!
[whooshes]
Dead!
And then each new game
is $6,000 a month.
And we keep playing.
Why?
Where I'm from in Michigan,
life, it's easy, man.
It's pinball,
but it's 100 balls,
and it's 300 flippers,
and they all work
perfectly, right?
And, yeah, your wife's obese,
but who cares?
They're great people,
Michiganders.
They're reliable.
They're kind.
They're sympathetic.
If they say they're going to
show up to your birthday party,
bang, they show up
to your birthday party.
And I say that in New York,
and people laugh.
I didn't even say a joke.
I just said that,
where I'm from,
people do what they say
they're going to do,
and New Yorkers think
that's a hilarious joke
told on a comedy stage.
So I battle this.
I try to be kind.
I try to be sympathetic
and reliable.
But I live somewhere
where those characteristics
are not rewarded, are they?
You need to be aggressive
and direct
and violent and strong.
Last week, I was trying
to get on the subway, okay?
Wednesday, 8:00 a.m.
Excuse me, I was
trying to get in line
to get in line to get in line
to fight down a staircase
to punch a family,
so I could get on
the L train, okay?
Wednesday, 8:30 a.m.
No one's moving.
What's going on?
What the fuck is
going on right now?
A thousand adults
can't get down a staircase.
Why is nobody moving?
And I look, and the front
of the staircase,
there's a little girl
holding birthday balloons.
"Happy birthday to me.
I'm special."
And she's walking down
the steps real slow
and real wide.
And I looked at her,
and I took a deep breath.
And then I thought,
"I don't give a fuck."
We gotta go, kid.
There's 1,000 adults
that gotta get to work,
pay their taxes,
make this city move.
We gotta go.
We gotta go.
Then I Googled it.
Seventeen million people
have a birthday
every day in the world.
Happy birthday,
17 million people.
800,000 Americans
are having a birthday today.
Divide that in two by gender.
400,000 women in America
are having a birthday today.
25% of the population
is children.
That means
100,000 little girls...
Are having a birthday today in
the United States of America.
Three percent
of the U.S. population
lives here in New York City,
so 3,000...
Little girls...
are having a birthday today
in New York City,
so you're not fucking special,
are you, okay?
You're not even close.
You're not even--
You're one of
3,000 other little girls
having a birthday in this city.
So we gotta go.
We gotta move.
I can't be late and miss
my guided meditation class.
It calms me down!
I'm sad that the summer is over.
Man, it hits you hard.
Doesn't go gracefully.
Bang, zero degrees!
Snow Monday.
Bang!
Crash.
Summertime, ah,
hot girls everywhere, right?
Uh!
How old are you, buddy?
How old are you?
Nineteen.
Young, man.
Whole life right
in front of you.
What about you, guy?
Yeah.
Twenty-four.
What's your name, 24?
Patrick.
Yeah, stupid name.
When you're Patrick's age,
you see a beautiful woman,
you get excited, don't you?
You comb your hair a little bit.
"Oh, pretty girl over there."
I'm 40.
Makes you mad,
doesn't it, fellas?
God damn it,
that girl's hot over there!
Fuck!
Shit!
God damn it!
You get mad at
your own girlfriend.
"Hurry up back there!
Jesus Christ!"
[sighs]
That's power, ladies.
You're so beautiful,
you make us angry
at people that we love.
That doesn't happen to women.
Women don't see
another handsome man
and get mad at their man.
No, because you love him
or something stupid
like that, you know?
And he sneezes,
and snot comes out,
and you're like, "It's kinda
cute when Peter sneezes
and a little bit of
snot comes out."
But when you sneeze
and snot comes out,
you know what Peter's thinking?
"I bet that hot girl doesn't
sneeze and snot comes out.
God damn it! Shit!"
And you know what
you're doing, ladies.
[blowing raspberries]
Wearing these outfits
right here.
In the summer, it's like
a tank top, you know,
and it's kinda loose
on the side,
and we can look in the side.
[laughs]
You ever look in the side,
Patrick?
You know what I'm talking about?
You ever see a little side bra
peeking out?
Uh!
Side boob?
You ever see side boob?
[choral singing]
Side boob changes everything,
doesn't it? Doesn't it?
I tried it, right.
So, I cut a sliver out of
my jeans just right here,
so you can look in the side.
You can see a little side ball
hanging out.
A little side dick.
But side dick is gross, right?
Side dick is gross.
Side dick is gross.
Side boob is amazing.
You see side boob,
you hit your friend.
"Turn around, dude,
side boob's here.
Turn around!
Turn around, side boob's here."
But if you see side dick,
"Oh, God, oh, shit!
"Ah!
"Ah, I just saw side dick
"at 24 Hour Fitness today.
Ugh."
Why is it so different?
Why is it so different?
Why is side dick so different
from side boob?
I'll tell you why.
'Cause everyone loves boobs.
That's the difference.
Men love boobs,
and women love boobs.
Why? 'Cause we used
to suck on boobs.
As babies, we sucked on boobs.
And they gave us life.
We didn't suck on dicks.
What?
We weren't babies
sucking on Dad's dick.
It's gross to even picture.
Why are you picturing that?
But that's what we do with Mom.
That's what we do with Mom.
There's no such thing
as dick milk for babies.
Sadly, there's probably
somebody here thinking,
"Well, I had to suck
on my dad's dick."
Well, you had a bad dad.
I never sucked on
my dad's dick, not even once!
Where are you from, Patrick?
South Lyon, sure.
Right underneath North Lyon.
Don't have to tell me.
I still remember all the cities.
You've been a good audience
member, Patrick; you are, man.
He's 23--he's 24.
24, man.
Thank you--almost 24,
so you are 23,
so even I got your age correct
before you did.
And we wonder why
fucking China's winning.
Twenty-three--you're good,
though, man, you are.
You're paying attention.
You're making eye contact.
I appreciate that, you know.
Young people, I appreciate that.
So many shows I do now--
[grunting, mumbling]
The only time you guys look up
is to see if there's an outlet
that you can plug
your phone into and just...
You guys cross the street
like this.
Cars zooming by.
I always give you
a little nudge with my car.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't see you.
I was texting also."
[laughs]
You're soft, Patrick!
Don't worry, he won't do shit.
[whispers]
You're soft.
We talk shit about
millennials, you know?
We say, "You're soft."
'Cause you are, you're pussies.
But...
it's not your fault.
It's not your fault!
We're hard on you,
but it's not your fault.
It's your parents' fault.
It's Patrick's parents' fault.
Helicopter parents--what did
we expect was gonna happen?
"Don't do that, don't do that,
don't do that, don't do that."
Hand sanitizer, hand sanitizer.
"Don't do that.
I'll protect you.
Don't do that.
I'll protect you."
I didn't have that shit.
Yeah, I live with
my parents now,
but I didn't have that as a kid.
When I was a kid,
my brother Todd and I
used to play baseball
in our basement,
but instead of using a baseball,
we used these old metal darts
that I found next
to the gasoline.
[whooshes]
And I'm just...
[whooshes]
Whipping gasoline darts
at my brother...
[whooshes]
For hours, unsupervised,
dipping them in the gas.
And Todd liked to
crowd the plate,
so now I gotta throw
high heat metal gas darts
past my brother's face.
And one of them caught him late,
stuck right in his eyeball,
and I run upstairs,
"Dad, Dad, Dad,
Todd has a fucking dart
in his eye right now."
You know what my dad says?
"Wake me if it becomes
an emergency."
That's what my dad says.
That's not happening
to Patrick, I bet.
Patrick's in the basement
in South Lyon
wearing a helmet and
shoulder pads, you know.
His dad's blowing him bubbles.
[whooshing]
He's swinging and missing,
but he still gets
a participation trophy
at the end of it.
You fucking loser, Patrick.
Yeah, my brother Todd,
he's 43 now, 43.
He just had a second baby.
He's got this cute little boy
named Winston,
and he's six months old,
and he fits in my brother's arm.
And I get all these pictures
of Todd holding Winston,
and I zoom in.
But I don't zoom in on the
baby, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I zoom in on my brother's face,
'cause guess what's still there
after all these years?
Todd's 35, and he's got
a black mark on his eyelid,
and it twitches
when it rains outside,
and his little son looks up
and sees his dad's eyelid
twitching,
and he says, "That's right,
don't crowd the plate
when Uncle Michael's pitching."
Text neck.
You know what text neck is,
Patrick, huh?
You don't even know
what your fucking age is.
How are you gonna know
what text neck is?
Text neck is
a real medical ailment
that millennials are getting.
Scoliosis of the top
of the spine.
And you're growing
calcium deposits
in the back of your skull
to help bring your skull up.
See, this is the wrong show
to make fun of young people at.
I'm looking out,
and you're all like,
"Keep going, motherfucker.
"We're writing blogs
about this joke right now.
You're gonna be canceled
in 35 minutes."
You're growing horns in the
back of your head, Patrick.
I believe in evolution, okay?
I believe in evolution.
A lot of places
I perform comedy don't.
But I believe in evolution.
I believe we-- [laughs]
Thank you.
Not every audience
claps at that part.
I believe we started on
the ground 6 million years ago
as tadpoles, and there
was turmoil and violence,
time and pressure,
and we advanced,
and we became frogs,
and there was more turmoil,
time, violence, and pressure,
and we advanced, and we became
bobcats or whatever's next,
I don't know.
And this pattern kept
repeating itself,
and we kept evolving,
and here we are today,
look, walking upright,
straight spine, still evolving.
Who knows what's next?
Maybe we can fly someday.
But we'll never know, we'll we?
Because Patrick
and all of his friends
are literally
reversing evolution.
Patrick's like this.
Patrick's first child
is going to be like this.
Patrick's grandchild
is going to be like that.
His great-grandchild's
going to be a bobcat.
His great-grandchild
is going to be a tadpole,
and then we're gone forever.
We've ended civilization,
and it's Patrick's fault.
Come on, Patrick!
It's not so easy getting up.
Getting up
is getting harder and harder.
Not just getting up
off the floor either.
You know what I'm talking
about right here.
Enjoy those erections, Patrick.
All of you,
enjoy those erections.
You think they're sticking
around forever, but...
Don't get me wrong, I can still,
but I'm not--I'm not packing
the heat Patrick is right here,
I guarantee it.
What do you do, Patrick?
Student?
Working?
What do you do, buddy?
What do you do?
[inaudible]
Anesthesia tech ed.
Seems like those are
three different jobs.
Huh?
- [inaudible]
Okay, so, anesthesia tech.
So, the anesthesiologist puts
anesthesia on the patient,
and then you tweet about it
on your phone?
I'm envious of your generation.
I'm envious.
Am I worried that
you're losing some toughness?
Yeah, I am.
Am I losing toughness
every year?
Yeah, we all are.
Think about the older gen--
think about my grandparents,
your grandparents.
My grandma?
Doris?
[sighs]
Tough.
Tough.
She lived through
the Great Depression.
Do you know those people?
They don't even speak...
'Cause they're conserving
their words.
They're called
the Silent Generation.
The Silent Generation.
They were tough, man.
My grandma, we moved my grandma
from one house to
a smaller house,
and I was unpacking the box
of kitchen stuff, okay,
and there was a spool
of tinfoil in there
that she had reused
55,000 times.
My grandma bought tinfoil
one time in 1931,
and that is it for the tinfoil!
Meanwhile, I got boxes
of tinfoil at my house.
Sometimes I measure incorrectly.
I crumple it up,
throw it in the ocean.
I start over again.
And there was
this little piece of tinfoil,
triangular shaped,
that she had folded over
many, many times,
taped shut,
packed...
moved.
And I found
this piece of tinfoil,
and I took the tape off,
and I peeled back the layers,
and inside was
just a little piece
of a chocolate chip cookie
that she packed and she moved
from one home to a new home.
Isn't that so sweet?
Isn't that so indicative
of that generation?
I mean, one time I moved,
and my new stairs,
they were steep.
They were steep, okay,
so I threw my couch away.
We should just get a new couch.
Those are steep stairs.
Let's--let's just...
We're addicted to
technology now.
We are completely addicted.
We rely on it.
It's making us dumb.
It's smart.
It's smart.
Technology's never been smarter.
Smart phone, smart computer,
smart tablet,
smart car, smart water.
Everything is smart.
Except for who?
Us.
We're dumb as shit.
We've never been dumber
in the history--
Have you spelled recently?
Have you tried spelling
without your phone?
Are the words harder?
I was on an airplane
doing a crossword.
I had to spell "silhouette."
[blows raspberries]
I don't know, "S"?
Is it "S"?
Is it?
Is it "S"?
"Commitment"?
Fourteen M's in a row.
I have--is it?
Is it, is it not?
"Diarrhea"?
I'd rather have it.
It's killing our brain.
Think about how many phone
numbers you knew as a child.
Think about how many
phone numbers
you had memorized as a child.
I knew everyone's phone number.
I'm 40 now.
I know one phone number
by heart.
My phone number.
If I get arrested,
and I can make one phone call,
do you know what I can do?
I can check my voice mail.
That's what I can do.
I just have to hope
somebody leaves me a message
with their number in it.
"In case you got arrested,
call me back.
734-24--[...]"
I was reading a real book,
and I tried to pinch-zoom
the real book.
Bigger!
We are addicted,
it's making us dumb,
and it doesn't even work.
Does anything fucking work ever?
Do you like washing
your hands now, huh?
Motion sensor faucet?
You like the motion--you like
the motion sensor faucet?
Was that a good invention
that moved humanity forward
through technology?
The guy that invented
the motion sensor faucet
should be executed
on live television
at halftime of the Super Bowl
as a message to other inventors!
I'm at the Atlanta Airport
last week.
I'm like a bad DJ trying
to get water out of the faucet.
[grunting]
Soap, soap, s-soap, soap, soap.
S-soap, soap, soap, s-soap,
soap, soap, soap, soap, soap.
Paper towel, paper towel,
paper towel, paper towel.
Paper towel, paper towel,
paper towel.
We're going to die of Zika,
because we haven't properly
washed our hands since 1982.
Nothing works.
Nothing works!
Every hotel I stay in,
my magnetic key
loses power after three minutes.
And you gotta go down
to the front desk,
and you gotta wait in line,
and when you finally
get up there,
she treats you like a piece
of shit, doesn't she?
"Well, did it touch
something magnetic?"
"Huh?
Did you--did you have it touch
something magnetic?"
"Yeah, Earth, bitch.
It's all magnetic!"
Everything is magnetic.
Everything--that's magnetic,
that's magnetic,
this is--everything's magnetic.
Why would you make a key
that can't touch magnets?
You know what keys
could touch magnets?
Old keys,
the ones that went in the door
and turned the deadbolt.
They could sit on magnets
all day long.
They could store on magnets
if you wanted to.
"Uh, well, did it touch
your cell phone?
"Huh?
Huh?
Did you have it--did you have
it touch your cell phone?"
Yes.
Yes, I did, yes, yes, yes.
Everything touches
my cell phone.
I drive with this thing lodged
underneath my dick now, okay?
That's how much of an extension
the phone has become
of our body.
Let's make a key that can
touch our cell phone, please.
Let me get this straight.
I have a functioning
magnetic hotel key, okay,
but if it gets close
to the phone,
that breaks the key?
But it's okay just to hold
this up to our brain?
That's okay?
It's okay to push this
into our brain!
We're going to die
because of this.
You know that?
We're going to die
because of this!
Tonight!
You laugh at these jokes,
but nothing will change.
They say comedy's powerful,
but not powerful enough
to get you off the cloud.
What are we doing on the cloud?
Everybody, it's a failure.
The cloud is a failure.
Everybody's hacked.
"Hey, put all your pictures
up there.
"What could go wrong?
"Hey, while we're up there,
"let's put all our financials
up on the cloud
and all our passwords."
Everybody's hacked.
Everybody.
Yahoo, hacked, 2 billion people.
Apple, hacked.
Home Depot, hacked.
Hillary Clinton, hacked.
Democratic National Party,
hacked.
Capital One, hacked.
Equifax, 800 million people,
hacked.
British Airways, hacked.
Justin Verlander, hacked.
Ashley Madison.
Ah! Hacked.
The fucking Pentagon's
cloud got hacked.
You think
your Flickr account's safe?
This is the cloud.
It's somewhere--
we don't know where it is--
that we store valuables that
smarter people have access to.
Does that sound good?
Do you guys like that?
You guys wanna use the cloud?
I would rather store things
in a real cloud.
You know what's worked
for centuries?
The ground.
Get a shovel, dig a hole,
put your dick pics in the hole.
Put dirt over your dick pics.
You would at least know
if somebody was hacking
your ground, right?
"Honey, there's a man outside
digging a hole in our lawn."
"Ah, fuck, we're being
hacked again."
We're dumb now.
We are dumb now.
You don't believe me?
We lock our car now,
and as we walk away,
"Did I lock it?
Did I lock it?
"Did I lock it?
Did we lock it?
"Did we lock it?
Did we lock it?
"Did I lock it?
Did I lock it?
Did I lock it?"
The third time you hit lock,
you should be
electrocuted to death,
and have to give your car
to someone that can use
their fucking brain
and remember if they locked it
.25 seconds ago.
Some of you aren't laughing.
You're the assholes
I wake up to.
Every city, "Did we lock it?"
[honks]
"Better be sure.
Better be sure."
"Did we lock it?"
[honking]
Use your brain, everybody, okay?
Can I tell you a little secret?
You know what happens
if you don't lock it?
Nothing happens.
Don't leave a bag of cash
sitting shotgun,
and no one's going to break
into your Kia Sorento...
Patrick.
What a fucking loser Patrick is.
"Anesthesiology tech
at Michigan."
Better hope I don't get, like,
some meniscus tear in my knee
ten years from now,
and I'm laying on
the operating table,
and he's like, "Patrick here."
"Ah!"
Fade to black.
In Detroit and L.A.
People stop and they say
Michael Kosta
is back in town
Michael Kosta is back
in town
L.A. is so dumb.
Dumb, you guys.
I was here the night
Trump won, right.
I was on Sunset Boulevard.
Ah, it baffled me.
People weeping.
[crying, panting]
"I can't believe it.
I can't believe it."
And I was looking around
going, "You can't--
have you ever been anywhere
else in the United States?"
"Have you ever been
30 miles east of here
or Ohio or Tennessee
or an Applebee's?"
"How--
How can you not believe it?
I can't believe that
you can't believe it."
Get some perspective, everybody.
This is not even close
to real America, okay?
All right?
Look around, look around.
You see how everybody's
pretty good-looking?
There's your first sign
right there, okay?
People don't get new cars
every six months
in real America.
You get a new car 49 years
after your first car,
and that's because the engine
flew out on a family vacation.
Smoothies aren't $11.85
for four ounces.
Nobody else in
this country thought
"Birdman" was a good movie.
Do you guys know that?
Is that hard for some of you?
Is that hard
for some of you to hear that?
"Well, I'm
the cinematographer"--
No, everybody hated
"Birdman," dude.
Stop tweeting that
you hate the president.
"I hate the pres"--
every time you do that,
my friends back home
load their guns, okay?
They're dumb.
Yes, you're right, they're dumb.
They are dumb,
and they're armed, aren't they?
And they're coming.
They're moving west.
What are we armed with here,
what, avocado toasts?
What are you going to do,
throw brunch at them?
Shut the fuck up.
L.A. is its own little bubble
and world.
I have the worst agent.
I have the worst fucking agent.
I'm sure he already left.
Doesn't matter.
I can do the joke.
Dan Spector
at WME Entertainment.
Do you know him?
Dan Spector.
His email is D--[bleep]--
at--[bleep]--dot com.
They called me, I answered.
His assistant goes,
"Can you hold for Dan?"
I'm now on hold.
They called me.
I'm holding.
I'm holding.
They called me.
I'm holding.
I'm the one who's holding.
They called me.
I was available.
Now I'm holding.
I'm the one who's on hold.
Who's holding?
I'm the one who's holding, okay?
And like an asshole, I held.
And she comes back
ten minutes later.
"Michael, who are
you holding for?"
"I'm holding for Dan."
"I'm sorry, he's not available
right now."
"You fucking called me!"
So, last time I met
with my agent, Dan Spector,
I took
all his business cards, okay.
He had, like, 180 business
cards on his desk.
I took them all.
Here's my favorite part
about L.A.
Karaoke.
People take it seriously here.
They think it's an audition.
They think they're going
to be discovered that night
after that song.
Here's how people in
real America do karaoke:
You get blackout drunk,
you sing your favorite
Journey song,
and then you drive home
as fast as you can, okay?
That's how everyone else does
karaoke in the United States.
But not in L.A.
Choreographed dance moves,
you know.
They pass out headshots
afterwards.
What?
So, I go to karaoke in L.A.,
and I put on my nicest suit,
and I bring my agent's
business cards with me.
And after a really terrible
but committed performance,
I go up to that person
and I say,
"You listen to me, god damn it,
"I am a talent agent,
and I believe you are
going to be a star,"
and then I slide them one of
Dan Spector's business cards.
"You call me tomorrow,
"and if I don't call you back,
you call me 10,000 more times.
Stop by my office."
And I circle the address.
"Send me packages.
Show me you have
what it takes."
[chuckles]
Politics, look, it's not
a straight line, okay?
It's not in this country.
It's not the left over here
versus the right over here.
It's not.
I perform everywhere
in the United States.
It's more like a horseshoe.
It's more like the shape
of a horseshoe, okay?
Most Americans are up here
in the center.
Maybe you lean left
a little bit.
Maybe you lean right, okay?
But all the fucking wackos,
they go to the edge-- [whooshes]
And, look, they fall
all the way down, don't they?
And look, they're kinda
close to each other.
Here's the guy
that loves guns and God,
and here's the woman that makes
her own hemp sandals and honey.
And just let them
kill each other, okay?
Just keep it up here.
You can lean left,
but you keep one leg in
the center, all right?
You can go to the right,
but keep one leg in the center.
Just do this.
Just do
basketball defense drills.
People here are like,
"But I do make my own honey."
[chuckles]
[groans]
I gotta wake up early.
[groaning]
I was having fun, you know,
and then it got in my head.
I have a 5:00 a.m. flight
in three weeks,
and I-I-I can't
stop thinking about it.
I mean, it gets in
your head, doesn't it?
My friends wanted to
get drunk tonight,
and I was like, "I better not.
I got this 5:00 a.m. flight
in three weeks."
And I know it's coming,
but you're never ready.
You're never ready
for a 5:00 a.m. flight.
I'll sleep, like,
eight minutes, you know.
I'll pack drunk.
You ever pack drunk?
It's the best!
'Cause you land,
and you see your bag,
and you're like,
what is in this bag?
What is this surprise box
that I sent to myself
from the past?
Oh, my God, I got nine T-shirts
and a snorkel mask.
That's great.
I'm in Kansas City in February.
One time I got
so drunk in Phoenix,
I packed, flew home,
opened my suitcase.
I had the hotel's
TV remote control.
The grossest item in a hotel
I packed drunk.
When you fly somewhere,
you really think about packing,
you know?
You talk it out with each other.
"Do I need 12 belts?"
You know.
We stuff things in the shoes.
That's a good spot.
We always weigh it.
We don't know, but we're like,
"Oh, yeah, that feels
about right, uh-huh."
But if you're driving
somewhere...
"Bring it!
"Bring it, we're driving.
Bring it!"
"Honey, should I bring
the blender?"
"Yes.
"We're driving.
I may wanna make fresh tomato
soup this weekend."
"What about the treadmill?"
"It's already packed.
We're driving.
We're driving!"
"2005 tax returns?"
"Of course!
"What if the accountant calls?
We're driving."
Do you guys get it?
Or do you want
more examples of stuff?
More?
Okay.
"Sophie's prom dress?"
"Yeah!
We're driving!
"Who's Sophie?"
"I don't know!
Pick her up!
We're fucking driving!"
It's tough doing comedy.
It's tough.
It's tough being
a straight white male, man.
It's tough.
It's tough.
We had a good run.
We had a good run,
straight whites.
4,000 years is a pretty
good run, I feel like,
but, man, it is over for us
this year.
So many unforced errors for
the straight whites this year.
I can't even do
what I love anymore,
which is masturbate in front of
women without their consent.
It's a witch hunt.
You know it's a witch hunt.
It's tough being
a great straight white.
They got Bill O'Reilly.
They got Bill O'Reilly,
Fox News commentator.
Women accused him of
sexual harassment.
He paid her $32 million.
[whistling]
$32 mil.
That is a lot of money.
That is so much money that
I Googled harassment, okay,
and you know what harassment is?
It's hearing unwanted
or lewd remarks.
$32 mil.
Look, I live in New York City.
Where's my $32 million?
A stranger threw
a bag of shit at me
last month on the D train.
I can't even get
a free bus transfer?
All of you could jerk off
on me for $32 million.
I swear to God.
I swear to God.
I don't want Comedy Central
to cut that line.
I swear to God,
all of you could jerk off.
You can do it twice, buddy,
all right?
That's why
you're sitting so high.
I get it.
Look, I don't like
Bill O'Reilly.
Fuck that guy, okay?
But that's
a profitable accusation.
I always thought if I had
a daughter, you know,
I would teach her science
or golf or something,
but now I think I'm gonna
teach her how to flirt
and take screenshots.
MeToo is
a powerful movement, okay?
It's tough to do
jokes about it...
But here it goes.
You can't even say MeToo.
Guys freak out.
Stand up straight!
Put your hands in your pockets!
Look straight ahead!
Close your eyes!
Don't move your head!
[indistinct]
I don't like saying the phrase.
I don't even like
saying the phrase.
My friends are like, "You wanna
go to the bar and get drunk?"
"Yeah, me too.
Ah, fuck, not that MeToo.
Uh, I will also,
I will also, I will also."
I support victims of
sexual assault, obviously.
I support victims of sexual
harassment, obviously.
I don't know what
sexual misconduct is.
What is sexual misconduct?
Seems like every time
I've had sex,
somebody is misconducting
themselves a little bit,
doesn't it?
Doesn't it?
Don't you want
a little misconduct?
If you have
great conduct in bed,
you suck at having sex.
That's how that works.
I ask for misconduct.
"Hey, wrap this cord
around my neck.
"Kick me in the nuts.
"Tell me my parents
have been murdered.
I'm trying to come here.
Let's go, I'm close!"
I get accused of
mansplaining a lot.
That's for sure.
Any time I open my mouth now,
a woman says,
"Stop mansplaining."
You guys know what
mansplaining is?
Ladies, if you don't know
what mansplaining is,
raise your hand.
I can come by
and explain it to you.
Do you know what
mansplaining is?
Mansplaining is
when a man over-explains
something to a woman,
because he believes
she doesn't know what it is,
because she is a woman.
And it's a tough word
to hear as a man,
because it gets us
to evaluate our own behavior,
and that's hard
for us sometimes.
But I'm proud to announce
that I don't mansplain.
I don't over-explain to women.
If anything, I over-demonstrate
to women, right.
I'm more of
a "man-strater," okay.
It's true.
That is true, that is true.
That is true, that is true.
I've been known to "man-strate"
from time to time.
It's a good word, "mansplain."
Thank you, ladies,
for coming up with it.
It'll help us be better men
for you, right.
And I think you'll appreciate
the word
that I came up with
for you as well.
It's called "woman-reacting,"
okay,
and...
woman-reacting is
when a woman overreacts
when you tell her the truth.
Some of you
are doing it right now.
[chuckles]
You can't tell a woman
the truth, not 100% the truth.
You can tell a woman,
like, 80% of the truth.
I think that's why
they only make 80 cents
compared to our dollar.
Don't woman-react.
Don't woman-react.
Don't you woman-react.
Don't you woman-react.
You should be happy,
when I wrote that joke,
it was 73 cents on the dollar.
You're a good audience for
laughing at that, I'm serious.
Comedy's tough.
Comedy's tough in the U.S.
Gender jokes are tough.
Race is tough, you know?
Politics is tough.
What's the toughest topic?
Guns.
Guns are the hardest topic
to do jokes about.
You hear how quiet it is now
that I even just said guns?
Guns are tough.
It's always tough to do
jokes about guns.
It's always too soon, isn't it?
Isn't that sad?
We love guns, man.
I think it should be
our greeting, you know?
Instead of shaking hands,
I think we should just--
[mimics guns firing]
Greetings take on
the culture of its people.
That's why in Japan, you bow.
In France, you kiss
on both cheeks.
That's our culture.
We own 50% of the world's guns.
"Oh, you're American?
Nice to meet ya."
[mimics guns firing]
It's the second thing we wrote.
It's the second thing we wrote.
Out of all the things to write
when starting a country,
the second thing
they wrote down is,
"You better get a gun."
The first thing
they wrote down is,
"You can say what you want,"
and then they were like,
"But you better get a gun
if you wanna do that."
We wrote that before women's
rights, slavery, healthcare.
That's high.
Two is high, everybody.
Even Germany's number two wasn't
"Arm every citizen
with a deadly weapon."
And that's what
gun lovers tell you.
Many people probably in
this room will tell you,
"Look, man, Second Amendment:
the right to bear arms."
And they're fucking right.
That's what it says.
My only criticism of
that amendment is,
when it was written, arms were
a little different,
weren't they?
In the late 1780's?
Arms was a musket.
It was 28-feet long.
It took 12 minutes to reload it.
You shot, like,
a warped marble, you know,
that even if I aimed at him,
it would hit her
in the shoulder.
A mass shooting
would take nine hours.
Two shots fired.
Nobody injured or killed.
What do those words mean?
What do the words
"the right to bear arms" mean?
Maybe we misinterpreted them?
Maybe it's the right to show
your arms, you know, huh?
Sun's out, guns out.
That's where that comes from.
People misinterpreted things
all the time back then.
Muslims believe if you die
a martyr, you go to heaven,
you get 72 virgins,
but depending on
what translation you use
for the word "virgins,"
it could also mean raisins.
Do you know that?
You might get 72 raisins.
Still good.
I'm just saying,
if they fucked that up,
maybe we fucked up
the arms thing, you know?
I'm not anti-gun.
I can feel some of you
in the balcony
putting your scopes
on your rifles.
I'm not anti-gun.
I wanted to get a gun.
I thought about it.
And then I thought about
how often I reach in
my garbage disposal
when it's turned on,
and I was like, "You know what,
maybe I don't need
a deadly weapon
flying around the house."
I do that joke in New York,
and people go,
"He has a garbage disposal?"
[chuckles]
It's just sad.
Yesterday, there was
a mass shooting.
And I don't even know
when this is going to air,
but that last sentence
will remain relevant.
Isn't that fucking sad?
Las Vegas is sad,
El Paso, Parkland,
Newtown, San Diego,
I mean, Killeen, Texas.
You can't even name them all.
You can't even name
them all, right?
Orlando, the guy who shot up
the gay nightclub.
Not the gays!
They love everybody, man.
We have a gun problem.
Hate to break it to you,
we have a gun problem,
but we can't touch
the second amendment.
It's a tough problem to solve.
Politicians are
not going to solve it,
but maybe a comedian can.
I have three solutions to solve
the United States' gun problem.
You guys wanna hear them?
Here we go.
First solution:
You only get two guns.
That's the max.
You can have a short gun
and you can have
a long gun, okay?
You can't have 586 guns.
Second solution:
Women, you can have
as many guns as
you want, all right?
Bazookas, armored helicopters,
Uzis,
swords that shoot bullets,
whatever.
No women has killed more
than two people in this country
with a gun since 1980, okay?
Even the YouTube shooter,
she slightly injured two
and then killed herself.
[blows raspberries]
All right?
Fellas, if you wanna use a gun,
you gotta find a woman.
Ask her.
She's going to say,
"What's it for?
"How long are you
going to be gone?
"Who are you going with?
What time can I expect
you'll be back?"
Third solution:
If you're a white man
with a bad haircut,
no guns for you, okay?
Sorry, Patrick,
that sucks, dude, but...
Hey, my name is Michael Kosta.
You guys are the best.
Thank you to Michigan.
Thank you to Detroit.
Thank you, New York City.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Los Angeles.
Thank you to Comedy Central.
I love you guys.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
[cheers and applause]
If this comedy special
doesn't win an Emmy,
I put this dog down, okay?
Comedy is a terrible profession.
It is a terrible,
terrible profession.
You get paid nothing
for many, many years.
Everything about it sucks.
But every once in a while,
you have an evening
that makes you do it
for another ten years,
and that's tonight's evening.
Thank you very much.
[jazzy music]
All the lights in New York
are brighter
Because Kosta
is back in town
In Detroit and L.A.
People stop and they say
Michael Kosta
is back in town
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Michael Kosta!
[cheers and applause]
Yeah!
Yeah!
Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
This is great.
Michigan,
we're in the house, huh?
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Love Michigan.
From Ann Arbor.
You know, not too far away.
[cheers and applause]
I live in New York now.
They don't know
what Michigan is.
I'll say,
"Yeah, I'm from Michigan."
And they'll go, "Oh, yeah,
I have a, uh, cousin
in Minneapolis."
And you go, "What?"
"You mean a 15-hour drive west
of where I said I'm from?"
And they go, "Oh, yeah, my, uh,
grandpa fishes in Montana."
Are you just saying places
that start with the letter M?
I grew up middle class.
Love middle class, you know?
I'm wealthy now, but I was
middle class then, you know?
We had everything we needed.
We weren't rich.
We weren't poor.
One summer, I remember
I couldn't go to soccer camp.
My dad said, "We don't
have enough money
to send you to soccer camp."
So, I understand
struggle, you know?
I-I-I understand sacrifice.
And then seven years ago,
my dad retires.
What?
Excuse me?
And he and my mom retire
to New York City.
What?
They got a three-bedroom
condominium
in the Upper West Side
of Manhattan.
Excuse me?
With a doorman.
What?
First time I walked
in their apartment,
I said, "What the fuck is this?
Huh?"
"I can't go to soccer camp
in 1996,
and you got two guest bedrooms
right now?"
So, I live with my parents.
I did!
I did!
I did!
I was 38 years old.
I got hired on "The Daily Show,"
and I was sleeping in a twin bed
at my parents' house,
and it was nice.
It's nice, dude,
I'm telling you.
It's nice, dude!
I'm telling you.
28 with your parents,
something went wrong, you know,
but 38, it's nice, man,
I'm telling you, it's nice.
"Yeah, Mom, make coffee."
They're getting old now.
When I was living with them
before as a kid,
you didn't know they were old,
but now I'm like, "Holy shit,
that's a lot of vitamins
on Dad's plate," you know?
Dad loves vitamins.
Your dad into vitamins?
My dad is into vitamins.
He read a blog on vitamins
four years ago,
and he is sticking with it,
ladies and gentlemen.
Any problem,
vitamins will fix it.
My mom has been depressed.
We don't know why.
"Mom, why are you depressed?"
"Michael, I'm 73.
I can't move like I used to.
I lost two of my friends
this year."
Isn't that sad?
Heartbreaking?
Hearing your mom say that?
My dad, "Ah, she just
needs more zinc."
What?
Is--is that how zinc works, Dad?
Is zinc gonna bring Mom's
dead friends back to life?
This can't--
So, now I'm in New York,
living in New York City.
Greatest city in the world.
You know, that's what
they scream at you
right before they shove you
down the subway stairs.
"Greatest city!
Greatest city!
Greatest!"
Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!
Greatest city!
Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!
Greatest city in the world!
New York City is like
the prettiest girl in the bar
if she was like, "Hey,
prettiest girl's
right fucking here!
Prettiest girl!
Prettiest girl's right here!"
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Yeah, okay, you're pretty,
you're pretty.
You know who's prettier?
The girl behind you
who's shutting the fuck up
for a second.
I think her name's Montreal?
[chuckles]
You walk everywhere in New York.
You guys don't walk
anywhere here.
Holy shit do you
not walk anywhere.
You hate when you see
somebody walking here.
I was walking on the sidewalk.
"Get him!"
You guys drive your car up.
"What's he doing walking?
"Get him!
Hit him!
"Nobody walks!
Detroit, Motor City!
"Hit him!
"No walking allowed here.
Don't even think about
walking."
And you're always wet.
I'm always wet every day
in New York somehow.
Summer, it's humid.
I'm walking.
Ass, wet.
Armpits, wet.
Random air conditioners
dripping on you.
Was that an air conditioner?
I don't know, keep going.
Wet, wet, wet.
Fall, I put a jacket on,
then the sun comes out.
Neck, wet.
Head, wet.
Backpack, wet.
Winter, you put on
all these clothes, right,
then you sit in the subway heat.
Neck, wet.
Hamstrings, wet.
Feet, wet.
Change my socks.
Feet, wet.
Change my socks.
Spring, raining, raining, wet.
Bus, puddles, wet.
I'm always wet!
Living in New York is like
being Leonardo DiCaprio
in every single
one of his movies.
Let's go through 'em.
What do you wanna start with?
"Titanic"?
Drowns to death.
Wet.
"Great Gatsby."
Dies in the pool at the end.
Wet.
"Shutter Island."
It's an island.
Wet.
"The Beach"?
Wet.
Give me some.
Give me some Leonardo movies.
Give me some.
- "Inception"!
"Inception," first dream,
pouring rain--wet.
"Gangs of New York."
He's in the whorehouse
sweating the whole time.
Wet.
"Gilbert Grape."
Takes a bath in the second act.
Wet.
Give me some more!
"Departed."
Movie theater scene.
Wearing a hat.
Starts raining on him.
Wet.
"Revenant."
Starts in a fucking river.
Wet!
"Great Gatsby" I already said.
It was the second example.
What's wrong with this audience?
He dies in the pool at the end.
Pay attention!
Wet!
- "Blood Diamond."
- "Blood Diamond."
Runs into a river shooting
a machine gun, wet.
"Aviator."
Crashes into the ocean: wet.
"Basketball Diaries."
Top of the building jerking off.
Starts raining on him.
Wet.
He's always wet.
He is always wet.
Tom Cruise, always running.
They should do a movie together
called "He's Running, I'm Wet."
My point is that
I hate New York.
[hip-hop music]
My point is that
I hate New York.
It's the only city I've lived in
where I see a pill
on the sidewalk
and I'll pick it up
and swallow it.
I don't know
what I'm gonna feel,
but it's gotta be better
than this shitty reality.
What the fuck are we doing here?
Everybody hates it.
Everybody hates living here.
But we lie, don't we?
We say we love it
to defend our rent
and our life decisions.
"Oh, I love New York."
Number one lie:
"I love the energy.
I love the energy."
It's not energy, you idiots.
It's panic.
It's desperation.
It's poverty.
It's working three jobs
and trying to not get hit
by a bus every time
you step outside.
"Oh, but it's the city
that never sleeps."
Yeah, and that does
explain why everybody's
such a fucking asshole
all the time.
Maybe we should go to bed.
Anybody ever think of that?
That should be
New York's slogan.
"Go to fucking bed, you guys.
Jesus Christ."
Every day,
every day...
I see grown men and women
weeping in the streets.
Wet!
Don't look at your phone when
you're walking; look around.
You will see a grown man
crying in the streets
of Manhattan.
That's not the greatest city
in the world.
I've been a lot of places.
People aren't crying
in the streets
of Sydney, Australia,
or Ann Arbor, Michigan,
where I'm from.
Yeah, you cry there,
you cry there,
but you go home, don't you?
You can't do that here.
You got nine roommates
in your one-bedroom apartment.
You can't cry in front
of them every day.
They'll call you
a pussy every day.
You can't even cry
in the shower.
Two people are showering
at the same time
to save time and money
and energy.
The only good thing about
living in New York City
is that once I got used to
how expensive it was,
now when I go other places--
[blows raspberries]
I feel like a Saudi prince,
you know what I mean?
I was in Kansas City.
I ordered two margaritas.
The guy will be like,
"That'll be 9.75."
And I was like,
"I want 500 margaritas!"
"I am the Saudi prince
of Kansas City.
Give me my change.
I wanna buy a lake house
with it."
It's just hard.
It's just hard.
Even getting here was hard,
wasn't it?
Something about it was hard.
They made you wait out there.
Oh, it was hard.
"I didn't know I was going
to a special shooting."
Hard.
"Pretzels are $26?"
Hard, it's just hard.
It's like we're living in
a pinball game, right,
but the flippers are broken.
And we keep launching balls,
and we keep trying,
trying, trying,
but no-- [whooshes]
Dead!
New ball!
New ball!
Try harder, try harder!
[whooshes]
Dead!
And then each new game
is $6,000 a month.
And we keep playing.
Why?
Where I'm from in Michigan,
life, it's easy, man.
It's pinball,
but it's 100 balls,
and it's 300 flippers,
and they all work
perfectly, right?
And, yeah, your wife's obese,
but who cares?
They're great people,
Michiganders.
They're reliable.
They're kind.
They're sympathetic.
If they say they're going to
show up to your birthday party,
bang, they show up
to your birthday party.
And I say that in New York,
and people laugh.
I didn't even say a joke.
I just said that,
where I'm from,
people do what they say
they're going to do,
and New Yorkers think
that's a hilarious joke
told on a comedy stage.
So I battle this.
I try to be kind.
I try to be sympathetic
and reliable.
But I live somewhere
where those characteristics
are not rewarded, are they?
You need to be aggressive
and direct
and violent and strong.
Last week, I was trying
to get on the subway, okay?
Wednesday, 8:00 a.m.
Excuse me, I was
trying to get in line
to get in line to get in line
to fight down a staircase
to punch a family,
so I could get on
the L train, okay?
Wednesday, 8:30 a.m.
No one's moving.
What's going on?
What the fuck is
going on right now?
A thousand adults
can't get down a staircase.
Why is nobody moving?
And I look, and the front
of the staircase,
there's a little girl
holding birthday balloons.
"Happy birthday to me.
I'm special."
And she's walking down
the steps real slow
and real wide.
And I looked at her,
and I took a deep breath.
And then I thought,
"I don't give a fuck."
We gotta go, kid.
There's 1,000 adults
that gotta get to work,
pay their taxes,
make this city move.
We gotta go.
We gotta go.
Then I Googled it.
Seventeen million people
have a birthday
every day in the world.
Happy birthday,
17 million people.
800,000 Americans
are having a birthday today.
Divide that in two by gender.
400,000 women in America
are having a birthday today.
25% of the population
is children.
That means
100,000 little girls...
Are having a birthday today in
the United States of America.
Three percent
of the U.S. population
lives here in New York City,
so 3,000...
Little girls...
are having a birthday today
in New York City,
so you're not fucking special,
are you, okay?
You're not even close.
You're not even--
You're one of
3,000 other little girls
having a birthday in this city.
So we gotta go.
We gotta move.
I can't be late and miss
my guided meditation class.
It calms me down!
I'm sad that the summer is over.
Man, it hits you hard.
Doesn't go gracefully.
Bang, zero degrees!
Snow Monday.
Bang!
Crash.
Summertime, ah,
hot girls everywhere, right?
Uh!
How old are you, buddy?
How old are you?
Nineteen.
Young, man.
Whole life right
in front of you.
What about you, guy?
Yeah.
Twenty-four.
What's your name, 24?
Patrick.
Yeah, stupid name.
When you're Patrick's age,
you see a beautiful woman,
you get excited, don't you?
You comb your hair a little bit.
"Oh, pretty girl over there."
I'm 40.
Makes you mad,
doesn't it, fellas?
God damn it,
that girl's hot over there!
Fuck!
Shit!
God damn it!
You get mad at
your own girlfriend.
"Hurry up back there!
Jesus Christ!"
[sighs]
That's power, ladies.
You're so beautiful,
you make us angry
at people that we love.
That doesn't happen to women.
Women don't see
another handsome man
and get mad at their man.
No, because you love him
or something stupid
like that, you know?
And he sneezes,
and snot comes out,
and you're like, "It's kinda
cute when Peter sneezes
and a little bit of
snot comes out."
But when you sneeze
and snot comes out,
you know what Peter's thinking?
"I bet that hot girl doesn't
sneeze and snot comes out.
God damn it! Shit!"
And you know what
you're doing, ladies.
[blowing raspberries]
Wearing these outfits
right here.
In the summer, it's like
a tank top, you know,
and it's kinda loose
on the side,
and we can look in the side.
[laughs]
You ever look in the side,
Patrick?
You know what I'm talking about?
You ever see a little side bra
peeking out?
Uh!
Side boob?
You ever see side boob?
[choral singing]
Side boob changes everything,
doesn't it? Doesn't it?
I tried it, right.
So, I cut a sliver out of
my jeans just right here,
so you can look in the side.
You can see a little side ball
hanging out.
A little side dick.
But side dick is gross, right?
Side dick is gross.
Side dick is gross.
Side boob is amazing.
You see side boob,
you hit your friend.
"Turn around, dude,
side boob's here.
Turn around!
Turn around, side boob's here."
But if you see side dick,
"Oh, God, oh, shit!
"Ah!
"Ah, I just saw side dick
"at 24 Hour Fitness today.
Ugh."
Why is it so different?
Why is it so different?
Why is side dick so different
from side boob?
I'll tell you why.
'Cause everyone loves boobs.
That's the difference.
Men love boobs,
and women love boobs.
Why? 'Cause we used
to suck on boobs.
As babies, we sucked on boobs.
And they gave us life.
We didn't suck on dicks.
What?
We weren't babies
sucking on Dad's dick.
It's gross to even picture.
Why are you picturing that?
But that's what we do with Mom.
That's what we do with Mom.
There's no such thing
as dick milk for babies.
Sadly, there's probably
somebody here thinking,
"Well, I had to suck
on my dad's dick."
Well, you had a bad dad.
I never sucked on
my dad's dick, not even once!
Where are you from, Patrick?
South Lyon, sure.
Right underneath North Lyon.
Don't have to tell me.
I still remember all the cities.
You've been a good audience
member, Patrick; you are, man.
He's 23--he's 24.
24, man.
Thank you--almost 24,
so you are 23,
so even I got your age correct
before you did.
And we wonder why
fucking China's winning.
Twenty-three--you're good,
though, man, you are.
You're paying attention.
You're making eye contact.
I appreciate that, you know.
Young people, I appreciate that.
So many shows I do now--
[grunting, mumbling]
The only time you guys look up
is to see if there's an outlet
that you can plug
your phone into and just...
You guys cross the street
like this.
Cars zooming by.
I always give you
a little nudge with my car.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't see you.
I was texting also."
[laughs]
You're soft, Patrick!
Don't worry, he won't do shit.
[whispers]
You're soft.
We talk shit about
millennials, you know?
We say, "You're soft."
'Cause you are, you're pussies.
But...
it's not your fault.
It's not your fault!
We're hard on you,
but it's not your fault.
It's your parents' fault.
It's Patrick's parents' fault.
Helicopter parents--what did
we expect was gonna happen?
"Don't do that, don't do that,
don't do that, don't do that."
Hand sanitizer, hand sanitizer.
"Don't do that.
I'll protect you.
Don't do that.
I'll protect you."
I didn't have that shit.
Yeah, I live with
my parents now,
but I didn't have that as a kid.
When I was a kid,
my brother Todd and I
used to play baseball
in our basement,
but instead of using a baseball,
we used these old metal darts
that I found next
to the gasoline.
[whooshes]
And I'm just...
[whooshes]
Whipping gasoline darts
at my brother...
[whooshes]
For hours, unsupervised,
dipping them in the gas.
And Todd liked to
crowd the plate,
so now I gotta throw
high heat metal gas darts
past my brother's face.
And one of them caught him late,
stuck right in his eyeball,
and I run upstairs,
"Dad, Dad, Dad,
Todd has a fucking dart
in his eye right now."
You know what my dad says?
"Wake me if it becomes
an emergency."
That's what my dad says.
That's not happening
to Patrick, I bet.
Patrick's in the basement
in South Lyon
wearing a helmet and
shoulder pads, you know.
His dad's blowing him bubbles.
[whooshing]
He's swinging and missing,
but he still gets
a participation trophy
at the end of it.
You fucking loser, Patrick.
Yeah, my brother Todd,
he's 43 now, 43.
He just had a second baby.
He's got this cute little boy
named Winston,
and he's six months old,
and he fits in my brother's arm.
And I get all these pictures
of Todd holding Winston,
and I zoom in.
But I don't zoom in on the
baby, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I zoom in on my brother's face,
'cause guess what's still there
after all these years?
Todd's 35, and he's got
a black mark on his eyelid,
and it twitches
when it rains outside,
and his little son looks up
and sees his dad's eyelid
twitching,
and he says, "That's right,
don't crowd the plate
when Uncle Michael's pitching."
Text neck.
You know what text neck is,
Patrick, huh?
You don't even know
what your fucking age is.
How are you gonna know
what text neck is?
Text neck is
a real medical ailment
that millennials are getting.
Scoliosis of the top
of the spine.
And you're growing
calcium deposits
in the back of your skull
to help bring your skull up.
See, this is the wrong show
to make fun of young people at.
I'm looking out,
and you're all like,
"Keep going, motherfucker.
"We're writing blogs
about this joke right now.
You're gonna be canceled
in 35 minutes."
You're growing horns in the
back of your head, Patrick.
I believe in evolution, okay?
I believe in evolution.
A lot of places
I perform comedy don't.
But I believe in evolution.
I believe we-- [laughs]
Thank you.
Not every audience
claps at that part.
I believe we started on
the ground 6 million years ago
as tadpoles, and there
was turmoil and violence,
time and pressure,
and we advanced,
and we became frogs,
and there was more turmoil,
time, violence, and pressure,
and we advanced, and we became
bobcats or whatever's next,
I don't know.
And this pattern kept
repeating itself,
and we kept evolving,
and here we are today,
look, walking upright,
straight spine, still evolving.
Who knows what's next?
Maybe we can fly someday.
But we'll never know, we'll we?
Because Patrick
and all of his friends
are literally
reversing evolution.
Patrick's like this.
Patrick's first child
is going to be like this.
Patrick's grandchild
is going to be like that.
His great-grandchild's
going to be a bobcat.
His great-grandchild
is going to be a tadpole,
and then we're gone forever.
We've ended civilization,
and it's Patrick's fault.
Come on, Patrick!
It's not so easy getting up.
Getting up
is getting harder and harder.
Not just getting up
off the floor either.
You know what I'm talking
about right here.
Enjoy those erections, Patrick.
All of you,
enjoy those erections.
You think they're sticking
around forever, but...
Don't get me wrong, I can still,
but I'm not--I'm not packing
the heat Patrick is right here,
I guarantee it.
What do you do, Patrick?
Student?
Working?
What do you do, buddy?
What do you do?
[inaudible]
Anesthesia tech ed.
Seems like those are
three different jobs.
Huh?
- [inaudible]
Okay, so, anesthesia tech.
So, the anesthesiologist puts
anesthesia on the patient,
and then you tweet about it
on your phone?
I'm envious of your generation.
I'm envious.
Am I worried that
you're losing some toughness?
Yeah, I am.
Am I losing toughness
every year?
Yeah, we all are.
Think about the older gen--
think about my grandparents,
your grandparents.
My grandma?
Doris?
[sighs]
Tough.
Tough.
She lived through
the Great Depression.
Do you know those people?
They don't even speak...
'Cause they're conserving
their words.
They're called
the Silent Generation.
The Silent Generation.
They were tough, man.
My grandma, we moved my grandma
from one house to
a smaller house,
and I was unpacking the box
of kitchen stuff, okay,
and there was a spool
of tinfoil in there
that she had reused
55,000 times.
My grandma bought tinfoil
one time in 1931,
and that is it for the tinfoil!
Meanwhile, I got boxes
of tinfoil at my house.
Sometimes I measure incorrectly.
I crumple it up,
throw it in the ocean.
I start over again.
And there was
this little piece of tinfoil,
triangular shaped,
that she had folded over
many, many times,
taped shut,
packed...
moved.
And I found
this piece of tinfoil,
and I took the tape off,
and I peeled back the layers,
and inside was
just a little piece
of a chocolate chip cookie
that she packed and she moved
from one home to a new home.
Isn't that so sweet?
Isn't that so indicative
of that generation?
I mean, one time I moved,
and my new stairs,
they were steep.
They were steep, okay,
so I threw my couch away.
We should just get a new couch.
Those are steep stairs.
Let's--let's just...
We're addicted to
technology now.
We are completely addicted.
We rely on it.
It's making us dumb.
It's smart.
It's smart.
Technology's never been smarter.
Smart phone, smart computer,
smart tablet,
smart car, smart water.
Everything is smart.
Except for who?
Us.
We're dumb as shit.
We've never been dumber
in the history--
Have you spelled recently?
Have you tried spelling
without your phone?
Are the words harder?
I was on an airplane
doing a crossword.
I had to spell "silhouette."
[blows raspberries]
I don't know, "S"?
Is it "S"?
Is it?
Is it "S"?
"Commitment"?
Fourteen M's in a row.
I have--is it?
Is it, is it not?
"Diarrhea"?
I'd rather have it.
It's killing our brain.
Think about how many phone
numbers you knew as a child.
Think about how many
phone numbers
you had memorized as a child.
I knew everyone's phone number.
I'm 40 now.
I know one phone number
by heart.
My phone number.
If I get arrested,
and I can make one phone call,
do you know what I can do?
I can check my voice mail.
That's what I can do.
I just have to hope
somebody leaves me a message
with their number in it.
"In case you got arrested,
call me back.
734-24--[...]"
I was reading a real book,
and I tried to pinch-zoom
the real book.
Bigger!
We are addicted,
it's making us dumb,
and it doesn't even work.
Does anything fucking work ever?
Do you like washing
your hands now, huh?
Motion sensor faucet?
You like the motion--you like
the motion sensor faucet?
Was that a good invention
that moved humanity forward
through technology?
The guy that invented
the motion sensor faucet
should be executed
on live television
at halftime of the Super Bowl
as a message to other inventors!
I'm at the Atlanta Airport
last week.
I'm like a bad DJ trying
to get water out of the faucet.
[grunting]
Soap, soap, s-soap, soap, soap.
S-soap, soap, soap, s-soap,
soap, soap, soap, soap, soap.
Paper towel, paper towel,
paper towel, paper towel.
Paper towel, paper towel,
paper towel.
We're going to die of Zika,
because we haven't properly
washed our hands since 1982.
Nothing works.
Nothing works!
Every hotel I stay in,
my magnetic key
loses power after three minutes.
And you gotta go down
to the front desk,
and you gotta wait in line,
and when you finally
get up there,
she treats you like a piece
of shit, doesn't she?
"Well, did it touch
something magnetic?"
"Huh?
Did you--did you have it touch
something magnetic?"
"Yeah, Earth, bitch.
It's all magnetic!"
Everything is magnetic.
Everything--that's magnetic,
that's magnetic,
this is--everything's magnetic.
Why would you make a key
that can't touch magnets?
You know what keys
could touch magnets?
Old keys,
the ones that went in the door
and turned the deadbolt.
They could sit on magnets
all day long.
They could store on magnets
if you wanted to.
"Uh, well, did it touch
your cell phone?
"Huh?
Huh?
Did you have it--did you have
it touch your cell phone?"
Yes.
Yes, I did, yes, yes, yes.
Everything touches
my cell phone.
I drive with this thing lodged
underneath my dick now, okay?
That's how much of an extension
the phone has become
of our body.
Let's make a key that can
touch our cell phone, please.
Let me get this straight.
I have a functioning
magnetic hotel key, okay,
but if it gets close
to the phone,
that breaks the key?
But it's okay just to hold
this up to our brain?
That's okay?
It's okay to push this
into our brain!
We're going to die
because of this.
You know that?
We're going to die
because of this!
Tonight!
You laugh at these jokes,
but nothing will change.
They say comedy's powerful,
but not powerful enough
to get you off the cloud.
What are we doing on the cloud?
Everybody, it's a failure.
The cloud is a failure.
Everybody's hacked.
"Hey, put all your pictures
up there.
"What could go wrong?
"Hey, while we're up there,
"let's put all our financials
up on the cloud
and all our passwords."
Everybody's hacked.
Everybody.
Yahoo, hacked, 2 billion people.
Apple, hacked.
Home Depot, hacked.
Hillary Clinton, hacked.
Democratic National Party,
hacked.
Capital One, hacked.
Equifax, 800 million people,
hacked.
British Airways, hacked.
Justin Verlander, hacked.
Ashley Madison.
Ah! Hacked.
The fucking Pentagon's
cloud got hacked.
You think
your Flickr account's safe?
This is the cloud.
It's somewhere--
we don't know where it is--
that we store valuables that
smarter people have access to.
Does that sound good?
Do you guys like that?
You guys wanna use the cloud?
I would rather store things
in a real cloud.
You know what's worked
for centuries?
The ground.
Get a shovel, dig a hole,
put your dick pics in the hole.
Put dirt over your dick pics.
You would at least know
if somebody was hacking
your ground, right?
"Honey, there's a man outside
digging a hole in our lawn."
"Ah, fuck, we're being
hacked again."
We're dumb now.
We are dumb now.
You don't believe me?
We lock our car now,
and as we walk away,
"Did I lock it?
Did I lock it?
"Did I lock it?
Did we lock it?
"Did we lock it?
Did we lock it?
"Did I lock it?
Did I lock it?
Did I lock it?"
The third time you hit lock,
you should be
electrocuted to death,
and have to give your car
to someone that can use
their fucking brain
and remember if they locked it
.25 seconds ago.
Some of you aren't laughing.
You're the assholes
I wake up to.
Every city, "Did we lock it?"
[honks]
"Better be sure.
Better be sure."
"Did we lock it?"
[honking]
Use your brain, everybody, okay?
Can I tell you a little secret?
You know what happens
if you don't lock it?
Nothing happens.
Don't leave a bag of cash
sitting shotgun,
and no one's going to break
into your Kia Sorento...
Patrick.
What a fucking loser Patrick is.
"Anesthesiology tech
at Michigan."
Better hope I don't get, like,
some meniscus tear in my knee
ten years from now,
and I'm laying on
the operating table,
and he's like, "Patrick here."
"Ah!"
Fade to black.
In Detroit and L.A.
People stop and they say
Michael Kosta
is back in town
Michael Kosta is back
in town
L.A. is so dumb.
Dumb, you guys.
I was here the night
Trump won, right.
I was on Sunset Boulevard.
Ah, it baffled me.
People weeping.
[crying, panting]
"I can't believe it.
I can't believe it."
And I was looking around
going, "You can't--
have you ever been anywhere
else in the United States?"
"Have you ever been
30 miles east of here
or Ohio or Tennessee
or an Applebee's?"
"How--
How can you not believe it?
I can't believe that
you can't believe it."
Get some perspective, everybody.
This is not even close
to real America, okay?
All right?
Look around, look around.
You see how everybody's
pretty good-looking?
There's your first sign
right there, okay?
People don't get new cars
every six months
in real America.
You get a new car 49 years
after your first car,
and that's because the engine
flew out on a family vacation.
Smoothies aren't $11.85
for four ounces.
Nobody else in
this country thought
"Birdman" was a good movie.
Do you guys know that?
Is that hard for some of you?
Is that hard
for some of you to hear that?
"Well, I'm
the cinematographer"--
No, everybody hated
"Birdman," dude.
Stop tweeting that
you hate the president.
"I hate the pres"--
every time you do that,
my friends back home
load their guns, okay?
They're dumb.
Yes, you're right, they're dumb.
They are dumb,
and they're armed, aren't they?
And they're coming.
They're moving west.
What are we armed with here,
what, avocado toasts?
What are you going to do,
throw brunch at them?
Shut the fuck up.
L.A. is its own little bubble
and world.
I have the worst agent.
I have the worst fucking agent.
I'm sure he already left.
Doesn't matter.
I can do the joke.
Dan Spector
at WME Entertainment.
Do you know him?
Dan Spector.
His email is D--[bleep]--
at--[bleep]--dot com.
They called me, I answered.
His assistant goes,
"Can you hold for Dan?"
I'm now on hold.
They called me.
I'm holding.
I'm holding.
They called me.
I'm holding.
I'm the one who's holding.
They called me.
I was available.
Now I'm holding.
I'm the one who's on hold.
Who's holding?
I'm the one who's holding, okay?
And like an asshole, I held.
And she comes back
ten minutes later.
"Michael, who are
you holding for?"
"I'm holding for Dan."
"I'm sorry, he's not available
right now."
"You fucking called me!"
So, last time I met
with my agent, Dan Spector,
I took
all his business cards, okay.
He had, like, 180 business
cards on his desk.
I took them all.
Here's my favorite part
about L.A.
Karaoke.
People take it seriously here.
They think it's an audition.
They think they're going
to be discovered that night
after that song.
Here's how people in
real America do karaoke:
You get blackout drunk,
you sing your favorite
Journey song,
and then you drive home
as fast as you can, okay?
That's how everyone else does
karaoke in the United States.
But not in L.A.
Choreographed dance moves,
you know.
They pass out headshots
afterwards.
What?
So, I go to karaoke in L.A.,
and I put on my nicest suit,
and I bring my agent's
business cards with me.
And after a really terrible
but committed performance,
I go up to that person
and I say,
"You listen to me, god damn it,
"I am a talent agent,
and I believe you are
going to be a star,"
and then I slide them one of
Dan Spector's business cards.
"You call me tomorrow,
"and if I don't call you back,
you call me 10,000 more times.
Stop by my office."
And I circle the address.
"Send me packages.
Show me you have
what it takes."
[chuckles]
Politics, look, it's not
a straight line, okay?
It's not in this country.
It's not the left over here
versus the right over here.
It's not.
I perform everywhere
in the United States.
It's more like a horseshoe.
It's more like the shape
of a horseshoe, okay?
Most Americans are up here
in the center.
Maybe you lean left
a little bit.
Maybe you lean right, okay?
But all the fucking wackos,
they go to the edge-- [whooshes]
And, look, they fall
all the way down, don't they?
And look, they're kinda
close to each other.
Here's the guy
that loves guns and God,
and here's the woman that makes
her own hemp sandals and honey.
And just let them
kill each other, okay?
Just keep it up here.
You can lean left,
but you keep one leg in
the center, all right?
You can go to the right,
but keep one leg in the center.
Just do this.
Just do
basketball defense drills.
People here are like,
"But I do make my own honey."
[chuckles]
[groans]
I gotta wake up early.
[groaning]
I was having fun, you know,
and then it got in my head.
I have a 5:00 a.m. flight
in three weeks,
and I-I-I can't
stop thinking about it.
I mean, it gets in
your head, doesn't it?
My friends wanted to
get drunk tonight,
and I was like, "I better not.
I got this 5:00 a.m. flight
in three weeks."
And I know it's coming,
but you're never ready.
You're never ready
for a 5:00 a.m. flight.
I'll sleep, like,
eight minutes, you know.
I'll pack drunk.
You ever pack drunk?
It's the best!
'Cause you land,
and you see your bag,
and you're like,
what is in this bag?
What is this surprise box
that I sent to myself
from the past?
Oh, my God, I got nine T-shirts
and a snorkel mask.
That's great.
I'm in Kansas City in February.
One time I got
so drunk in Phoenix,
I packed, flew home,
opened my suitcase.
I had the hotel's
TV remote control.
The grossest item in a hotel
I packed drunk.
When you fly somewhere,
you really think about packing,
you know?
You talk it out with each other.
"Do I need 12 belts?"
You know.
We stuff things in the shoes.
That's a good spot.
We always weigh it.
We don't know, but we're like,
"Oh, yeah, that feels
about right, uh-huh."
But if you're driving
somewhere...
"Bring it!
"Bring it, we're driving.
Bring it!"
"Honey, should I bring
the blender?"
"Yes.
"We're driving.
I may wanna make fresh tomato
soup this weekend."
"What about the treadmill?"
"It's already packed.
We're driving.
We're driving!"
"2005 tax returns?"
"Of course!
"What if the accountant calls?
We're driving."
Do you guys get it?
Or do you want
more examples of stuff?
More?
Okay.
"Sophie's prom dress?"
"Yeah!
We're driving!
"Who's Sophie?"
"I don't know!
Pick her up!
We're fucking driving!"
It's tough doing comedy.
It's tough.
It's tough being
a straight white male, man.
It's tough.
It's tough.
We had a good run.
We had a good run,
straight whites.
4,000 years is a pretty
good run, I feel like,
but, man, it is over for us
this year.
So many unforced errors for
the straight whites this year.
I can't even do
what I love anymore,
which is masturbate in front of
women without their consent.
It's a witch hunt.
You know it's a witch hunt.
It's tough being
a great straight white.
They got Bill O'Reilly.
They got Bill O'Reilly,
Fox News commentator.
Women accused him of
sexual harassment.
He paid her $32 million.
[whistling]
$32 mil.
That is a lot of money.
That is so much money that
I Googled harassment, okay,
and you know what harassment is?
It's hearing unwanted
or lewd remarks.
$32 mil.
Look, I live in New York City.
Where's my $32 million?
A stranger threw
a bag of shit at me
last month on the D train.
I can't even get
a free bus transfer?
All of you could jerk off
on me for $32 million.
I swear to God.
I swear to God.
I don't want Comedy Central
to cut that line.
I swear to God,
all of you could jerk off.
You can do it twice, buddy,
all right?
That's why
you're sitting so high.
I get it.
Look, I don't like
Bill O'Reilly.
Fuck that guy, okay?
But that's
a profitable accusation.
I always thought if I had
a daughter, you know,
I would teach her science
or golf or something,
but now I think I'm gonna
teach her how to flirt
and take screenshots.
MeToo is
a powerful movement, okay?
It's tough to do
jokes about it...
But here it goes.
You can't even say MeToo.
Guys freak out.
Stand up straight!
Put your hands in your pockets!
Look straight ahead!
Close your eyes!
Don't move your head!
[indistinct]
I don't like saying the phrase.
I don't even like
saying the phrase.
My friends are like, "You wanna
go to the bar and get drunk?"
"Yeah, me too.
Ah, fuck, not that MeToo.
Uh, I will also,
I will also, I will also."
I support victims of
sexual assault, obviously.
I support victims of sexual
harassment, obviously.
I don't know what
sexual misconduct is.
What is sexual misconduct?
Seems like every time
I've had sex,
somebody is misconducting
themselves a little bit,
doesn't it?
Doesn't it?
Don't you want
a little misconduct?
If you have
great conduct in bed,
you suck at having sex.
That's how that works.
I ask for misconduct.
"Hey, wrap this cord
around my neck.
"Kick me in the nuts.
"Tell me my parents
have been murdered.
I'm trying to come here.
Let's go, I'm close!"
I get accused of
mansplaining a lot.
That's for sure.
Any time I open my mouth now,
a woman says,
"Stop mansplaining."
You guys know what
mansplaining is?
Ladies, if you don't know
what mansplaining is,
raise your hand.
I can come by
and explain it to you.
Do you know what
mansplaining is?
Mansplaining is
when a man over-explains
something to a woman,
because he believes
she doesn't know what it is,
because she is a woman.
And it's a tough word
to hear as a man,
because it gets us
to evaluate our own behavior,
and that's hard
for us sometimes.
But I'm proud to announce
that I don't mansplain.
I don't over-explain to women.
If anything, I over-demonstrate
to women, right.
I'm more of
a "man-strater," okay.
It's true.
That is true, that is true.
That is true, that is true.
I've been known to "man-strate"
from time to time.
It's a good word, "mansplain."
Thank you, ladies,
for coming up with it.
It'll help us be better men
for you, right.
And I think you'll appreciate
the word
that I came up with
for you as well.
It's called "woman-reacting,"
okay,
and...
woman-reacting is
when a woman overreacts
when you tell her the truth.
Some of you
are doing it right now.
[chuckles]
You can't tell a woman
the truth, not 100% the truth.
You can tell a woman,
like, 80% of the truth.
I think that's why
they only make 80 cents
compared to our dollar.
Don't woman-react.
Don't woman-react.
Don't you woman-react.
Don't you woman-react.
You should be happy,
when I wrote that joke,
it was 73 cents on the dollar.
You're a good audience for
laughing at that, I'm serious.
Comedy's tough.
Comedy's tough in the U.S.
Gender jokes are tough.
Race is tough, you know?
Politics is tough.
What's the toughest topic?
Guns.
Guns are the hardest topic
to do jokes about.
You hear how quiet it is now
that I even just said guns?
Guns are tough.
It's always tough to do
jokes about guns.
It's always too soon, isn't it?
Isn't that sad?
We love guns, man.
I think it should be
our greeting, you know?
Instead of shaking hands,
I think we should just--
[mimics guns firing]
Greetings take on
the culture of its people.
That's why in Japan, you bow.
In France, you kiss
on both cheeks.
That's our culture.
We own 50% of the world's guns.
"Oh, you're American?
Nice to meet ya."
[mimics guns firing]
It's the second thing we wrote.
It's the second thing we wrote.
Out of all the things to write
when starting a country,
the second thing
they wrote down is,
"You better get a gun."
The first thing
they wrote down is,
"You can say what you want,"
and then they were like,
"But you better get a gun
if you wanna do that."
We wrote that before women's
rights, slavery, healthcare.
That's high.
Two is high, everybody.
Even Germany's number two wasn't
"Arm every citizen
with a deadly weapon."
And that's what
gun lovers tell you.
Many people probably in
this room will tell you,
"Look, man, Second Amendment:
the right to bear arms."
And they're fucking right.
That's what it says.
My only criticism of
that amendment is,
when it was written, arms were
a little different,
weren't they?
In the late 1780's?
Arms was a musket.
It was 28-feet long.
It took 12 minutes to reload it.
You shot, like,
a warped marble, you know,
that even if I aimed at him,
it would hit her
in the shoulder.
A mass shooting
would take nine hours.
Two shots fired.
Nobody injured or killed.
What do those words mean?
What do the words
"the right to bear arms" mean?
Maybe we misinterpreted them?
Maybe it's the right to show
your arms, you know, huh?
Sun's out, guns out.
That's where that comes from.
People misinterpreted things
all the time back then.
Muslims believe if you die
a martyr, you go to heaven,
you get 72 virgins,
but depending on
what translation you use
for the word "virgins,"
it could also mean raisins.
Do you know that?
You might get 72 raisins.
Still good.
I'm just saying,
if they fucked that up,
maybe we fucked up
the arms thing, you know?
I'm not anti-gun.
I can feel some of you
in the balcony
putting your scopes
on your rifles.
I'm not anti-gun.
I wanted to get a gun.
I thought about it.
And then I thought about
how often I reach in
my garbage disposal
when it's turned on,
and I was like, "You know what,
maybe I don't need
a deadly weapon
flying around the house."
I do that joke in New York,
and people go,
"He has a garbage disposal?"
[chuckles]
It's just sad.
Yesterday, there was
a mass shooting.
And I don't even know
when this is going to air,
but that last sentence
will remain relevant.
Isn't that fucking sad?
Las Vegas is sad,
El Paso, Parkland,
Newtown, San Diego,
I mean, Killeen, Texas.
You can't even name them all.
You can't even name
them all, right?
Orlando, the guy who shot up
the gay nightclub.
Not the gays!
They love everybody, man.
We have a gun problem.
Hate to break it to you,
we have a gun problem,
but we can't touch
the second amendment.
It's a tough problem to solve.
Politicians are
not going to solve it,
but maybe a comedian can.
I have three solutions to solve
the United States' gun problem.
You guys wanna hear them?
Here we go.
First solution:
You only get two guns.
That's the max.
You can have a short gun
and you can have
a long gun, okay?
You can't have 586 guns.
Second solution:
Women, you can have
as many guns as
you want, all right?
Bazookas, armored helicopters,
Uzis,
swords that shoot bullets,
whatever.
No women has killed more
than two people in this country
with a gun since 1980, okay?
Even the YouTube shooter,
she slightly injured two
and then killed herself.
[blows raspberries]
All right?
Fellas, if you wanna use a gun,
you gotta find a woman.
Ask her.
She's going to say,
"What's it for?
"How long are you
going to be gone?
"Who are you going with?
What time can I expect
you'll be back?"
Third solution:
If you're a white man
with a bad haircut,
no guns for you, okay?
Sorry, Patrick,
that sucks, dude, but...
Hey, my name is Michael Kosta.
You guys are the best.
Thank you to Michigan.
Thank you to Detroit.
Thank you, New York City.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Los Angeles.
Thank you to Comedy Central.
I love you guys.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
[cheers and applause]
If this comedy special
doesn't win an Emmy,
I put this dog down, okay?