Midnight Cowboy (1969) Movie Script
[ Man Singing ]
# Whoopee-tee-yi-yo #
# Get along little dogies #
# It's your misfortune
and none of my own #
# Whoopee-tee-yi-yo #
# Get along little dogies #
# For you know New York #
# Will be your new home #
# Whoopee-tee-yi-yo #
# Get along little dogies #
# It's your misfortune
and none of my own #
- [ Woman ] Where's that Joe Buck?
- Where's that Joe Buck?
[ Man ]
Where's Joe Buck?
# Get along little dogies ##
Where is our Joe Buck?
Look at this crap!
Yeah, where's that Joe Buck?
- [ Woman ] Where's that Joe Buck?
- [ Man ] Where's that Joe Buck?
You're due here at 4:00.
You know what you can do
with them dishes.
And if you ain't man enough
to do it for yourself...
I'd be happy to oblige.
I really would.
# Everybody's talkin' at me #
# I don't hear a word they're sayin' #
# Only the echoes of my mind #
# People stoppin', starin' #
# I can't see their faces #
# Only the shadows of their eyes #
# I'm goin' where
the sun keeps shinin' #
# Through the pourin' rain #
# Goin' where the weather #
# Suits my clothes #
# Backin' off of the northeast winds #
# Sailin' on summer breeze #
# Skippin' over the ocean
like a stone #
# I'm goin' where
the sun keeps shinin' #
# Through the pourin' rain #
# Goin' where the weather #
# Suits my clothes #
- [ Horn Honking ]
- # Backin' off of the northeast winds #
# Sailin' on summer breeze #
# Skippin' over the ocean
like a stone #
# Everybody's talkin' at me ##
How ya doin', Ralph?
Four to midnight,
that's when you're due here.
Mr. Evers, I wonder
if you can have a word with me?
What are you doin' in that getup?
Grab an apron and clean up that crap.
He knows what he can do
with that crap.
- Ain't you come to work?
- I guess not.
I come to collect my pay,
tell you all I'm headin' up East.
You're headin' up East?
Yeah, I thought I'd say
good-bye to you.
Just come to look around
a little bit.
Cups!
Well...
good-bye.
Good-bye.
What are you gonna do back East?
Lot of rich women back there...
beggin' for it. Payin' for it too.
- Yeah?
- Hell, yeah.
The men are mostly tutti-fruttis.
I'll bet it's a mess back there.
I'm gonna cash in on some of that.
I don't know nothin' about it.
What do I got to stay around here for?
I got places to go.
[ Woman Sighing ]
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, lower.
[ Sighing ]
That's real...
nice, honey.
# Everybody's talkin' at me #
# Can't hear a word they're sayin' #
# Only the echoes of my mind #
# I won't let you leave
my love behind #
Sure is a powerful mother, ain't it?
Yeah, sure is a powerful mother.
# Backin' off of the northeast winds #
# Sailin' on summer breeze #
# Skippin' over the ocean
like a stone #
[ Gunfire On Radio ]
[ Announcer ]
This is the shooting season.
It's time to go
to Lloyd's Discount Store...
for all of your gun supplies.
Listen to these values.
Remington shotgun for only...
[ Woman's Voice ]
You look real nice, lover boy.
Make your old grandma proud.
You're gonna be the best-lookin'
cowboy in the whole parade.
You'll be the best-lookin' one there.
Bye, honey.
I'll leave a TV dinner in the fridge.
Your old grandma got herself a new beau.
Bye now.
[ Woman ]
Excuse me, mister.
Do you have
another piece of gum for her?
Oh, yes, ma'am, I do. Here.
Take one for yourself too.
Thank you, no.
It's just 'til the Dramamine works.
She gets carsick.
I only get carsick on boats.
But it seems to me that's more
the fish smell than the bouncin'.
- How far you headed?
- Shh.
- To Dallas.
- Up Dallas, are ya?
Where you goin'?
I'm headin' on up New York City, ma'am.
# I'm goin' where
the sun keeps shinin' #
# Through the pourin' rain #
# Goin' where the weather
suits my clothes #
# Backin' off of the northeast winds #
# Sailin' on summer breeze #
# Skippin' over the ocean
like a stone #
[ Young Woman's Voice ]
Do you love me, Joe?
Do you love me?
Do you love me?
You're the only one, Joe.
You're the only one.
You're better than the rest of them.
You're better than any of them.
You love me, Joe?
You're better than all of them.
You're the best.
Love me, Joe.
Joe! Joe?
Joe.
Do you love me, Joe?
Do you love me?
Love me.
You're the only one, Joe.
You're the only one.
You're the best, Joe.
You're the best.
[ Man On Radio ]
...broadcast of 'The Sunshine Hour.
Oh, yes, sweet Jesus,
I tell you, faith healer.
I got a letter here from a sister
enclosing ten dollars...
and two malignant tumors she coughed up
during last week's prayer meeting.
Praise Jesus!
Now, before we join
in prayer for this poor sister...
Jesus wants to know how many sent in
five dollars for their home worship kit.
You want a cigarette?
No, thanks.
Chew tobacco.
Sing along with Sister Rosella.
You throw in Sister Rosella,
you got a deal, right, old-timer?
You ever run into a cowhand
by the name of Woodsy Niles?
Woodsy Niles, sir?
Not to my knowledge.
Friend of my grandma, Sally Buck.
I want it on.
[ Woman Singing ]
# Hush, little baby #
# Don't say a word #
# Grandma's gonna buy you
a mockingbird #
# And if that mockingbird
don't sing #
# Grandma's gonna buy you
a golden ring #
# And if that golden ring turns brass #
# Grandma's gonna buy you
a lookin' glass #
# And if that lookin' glass
gets broke #
# Grandma's gonna buy you
a billy goat #
# Hush, little baby
Don't say a word #
# Grandma's gonna buy you
a mockingbird ##
[ Man Laughing ]
[ Child Giggling ]
## [ Singing 'The Caisson Song' ]
[ Radio ]
# 77 W-A-B-C #
This is Ron Lundy.
This is W-A-B-C.
That's New York talkin' there, ma'am.
- Hear that?
- [ Man ] What is your ideal in a man?
[ Woman ]
My ideal is Gary Cooper, but he's dead.
[ Lundy ] Thank you. Ma'am,
what is your ideal in a man?
A man who takes pride
in his appearance.
- Consideration.
- Definitely tall.
Someone I can talk to in bed.
- A good sense of humor.
- Not afraid of sex.
- A Texas oilman.
- Aggressiveness.
- Outdoor type.
- A rebel.
- Young.
- You.
Yee-hoo!
Excuse me, ma'am.
# One, two, three #
# Wherever we go
we will always know #
# That the caissons go rolling... ##
[ Car Horns Honking ]
Thank you.
Shit!
[ Man ]
...grand time talking to Mrs. Drevin...
who's going to give us
her remedy for insomnia.
[ Mrs. Drevin ] Gosh, I sure will.
It's pretty unusual, but anyway...
I move furniture around.
Everything but the sofa,
you know?
And that's my remedy
for insomnia.
My remedy is you just dial
the hotel here.
Ask for Joe Buck.
- [ Woman ] I iron my husband's shirts.
- Joe Buck.
[ Female Announcer ] On the American
Exchange, brought to you by Morgan Vandercook.
Up your income with sound...
Up your income, lady.
Azimir Oil:
Commonwealth United:
Mohawk Data Science
is 64 and 5/8ths, down 1 and 1/8th.
[ Stock Market Report Continues ]
# Everybody's talkin' at me #
# I don't hear a word they're sayin' #
# Only the echoes of my mind #
# People stoppin', starin' #
# I can't see their faces #
# Only the shadows of their eyes #
# I'm goin' where
the sun keeps shinin' #
# Through the pourin' rain #
# Goin' where the weather #
# Suits my clothes #
# Backin' off of the northeast winds #
# Sailin' on summer breeze #
# Skippin' over the ocean
like a stone #
# Everybody's talkin' at me #
# Can't hear a word they're sayin' #
# Only the echoes of my mind #
# Oh, I won't let you leave
my love behind #
# No, I won't let you leave ##
Beg your pardon, ma'am.
I'm new here in town.
Just in from Texas.
I'm lookin' for
the Statue of Liberty.
Ma'am?
Were you serious?
About the Statue of Liberty?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
I mean business.
I'm sorry. I...
Well, the Statue of Liberty.
I think you take
the Seventh Avenue subway.
- No, wait a minute now.
- You sure are a pretty lady.
You're not looking for
the Statue of Liberty at all.
No, ma'am, I ain't.
Why, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
[ Car Horn Beeps ]
Come on, Baby.
Do it for mama.
Come on, Baby.
Mama's tired.
- [ Dog Barks ]
- Baby, come on.
Do it for mama.
Hey, you little old dog.
How you doin' there, scutter?
They got you all gussied up
for some damn thing, ain't they?
Pardon me, ma'am.
I'm brand-spankin'-new in town...
and I was hopin' to get a look
at the Statue of Liberty.
Hopin' to get a look at what?
Statue of Liberty.
It's up in Central Park
taking a leak.
If you'll hurry up,
you'll catch the supper show.
He's picking something up for me.
[ Woman ]
Hi. I just got your message.
How do you feel?
Oh, I had such a head.
I loved your friend Mr. Needleman...
the last of the great King Midases.
Go, go, go.
My God, it was exhausting.
It was beautiful...
Oh, God! Stop!
- I die from that!
- [ Man On Phone ] Who's there?
- Who you talkin' to?
- I was just talkin' to Baby.
I was talking to the dog, Morey.
Please, you're annoying me.
Don't start up again.
Why don't you say hello to Baby?
Baby wants to say hello to you.
I don't wanna say hello
to the dog.
Cass!
Daddy wants to
say hello to you, Baby.
Hello, Baby.
Hello, you goddamn dog!
Bow-wow-wow, Baby.
Am I gonna see you tonight?
- Where do you wanna eat?
- Wherever you say.
- Just you and me.
- Hey, that's great.
Catch an early supper
at Lindy's.
- What time?
- Like 5:30.
We don't have to rush.
- My wife's away.
- [ Zipper Unzipping ]
Beautiful, baby.
I can stay all night, Cass.
- [ Barking, Whining ]
- How 'bout a little kiss?
You got it.
A big wet one 'til I see ya.
Hey!
[ Morey Chuckles ]
Save some of that for tonight.
[ Morey Laughs ]
Love you.
Love you.
- [ Barking ]
- [ Cass, Joe Laughing ]
[ Game Show Host Speaking,
Indistinct ]
In our isolation booths...
- Is it because I'm a stable hand?
- One, two. One, two.
- And rest.
- Oh, wow!
Do you think God is dead?
Suppose we just don't
talk about it anymore.
- [ Whistling ]
- One...
What if I want
to take my mother along?
- Oh, my God!
- It even makes black whiter.
- Bring your knees up.
- Come on out.
- Ho, ho, ho...
- [ Screaming ]
[ Cass Moaning ]
[ Joe ]
Yee-ha!
Hey, Cass.
You know what you got here?
You got yourself
a damn penthouse.
Real damn penthouse, Cass.
[ Cass ]
Don't look, baby.
Knock off a couple of pounds
and I'd really be a gorgeous chick.
Don't touch. I'm late already.
What time is it?
Oh, my God!
Straighten out the bed for me, Tex.
Say, Cass.
I sure have enjoyed bein' here.
It's as fine a time
as I've ever had in my life.
Me too, lover.
That's good 'cause...
the way you make me feel
at home here...
I almost hate
to bring up business.
Yeah, it's murder, isn't it?
What line are you in, sweetie?
Zip me up, will ya, Tex?
[ Sighs ] Morey's always
complaining about his ulcers.
I don't know what line Morey's in...
but myself, now,
I'm kind of a hustler.
A person's gotta make a living.
Pardon me, ma'am.
I said, 'A person's
gotta make a living.
Are you sure you heard what I said?
Sorry, Tex.
My mind isn't all here.
I don't wanna be late
for my date with Morey.
Listen, sweetie.
Why don't you run along...
and take the number, and we'll get
in touch with each other real soon.
I forgot to get to the bank,
and now it's too late.
I have to take a taxi.
I need a few bucks.
Hate to ask you,
but you're such a doll.
You know, Cass, that's a funny thing,
you mentioning money...
'cause I was just about
to ask you for some.
You were gonna ask me for money?
Hell, why do you think I come
all the way up here from Texas for?
You were gonna ask me for money.
Who the hell do you think
you're dealing with?
Some old slut on 42nd Street?
In case you didn't happen
to notice it...
you big Texas longhorn bull...
I'm one hell of a gorgeous chick!
Take it easy.
I'm 28 years old.
You think you can come up here
and pull this kind of crap?
- You're out of your mind!
- Come on.
I could kill you with my bare hands!
Will you get outta here?
[ Sobbing ]
Will you get outta here?
Oh, Cass, honey.
Cass, come on now.
Cass, you think I meant that?
Would I be after you for money with
a wad like I've got ridin' on my hip?
Stop your cryin'.
You are one gorgeous chick.
Guy gets horny just lookin' at you.
How much you want for that taxi?
How much you want now? Five?
You want ten?
Twenty?
There you go, girl.
Terrific shirt.
Are you speakin' to me?
I was admirin' that colossal shirt.
That is one hell of a shirt.
I'll bet you paid
a pretty price for it.
I ain't cheap.
Yeah. Birds.
It's an all right shirt.
I like birds.
I don't like to have
cheap stuff on my back.
- Sure.
- Hi, cowboy.
Got a cigarette?
Hey, sweetheart.
More goddamn faggots in this town.
- Oh, kiss it, Ratso!
- Up yours.
You gotta watch out for that.
You know the ropes.
I wish I'd bumped into you before.
I'm Joe Buck from Texas.
Enrico Rizzo, from the Bronx.
I'm gonna buy you a drink.
Don't mind if I do.
Bartender, drinks all around...
and one for my friend here too.
I know when I
give her satisfaction.
You see what I'm getting at?
She got a penthouse up there...
with a color TV and more goddamn
diamonds than an archbishop.
And she busts out bawlin'
when I asked for money.
For what?
For money.
Money for what?
Hell, I'm a hustler.
You didn't know that?
How should I know that?
You gotta tell a person things.
- I'm a hustler.
- Shh.
All right.
You're a hustler.
But your pickin' up trade
on the street like that...
That's nowhere.
You gotta get yourself
some kind of management.
You put your finger on it.
You know what you need?
You need my friend O'Daniel.
He operates the biggest stable
in town.
In fact, in the whole
goddamn metropolitan area.
It's stupid, a stud like you paying.
You don't wanna be stupid.
I mean, I understand.
A dame starts cryin',
I'd cut my heart out for her.
I'd call that
a very minor operation.
In fact, you just sit comfy...
and I'll cut it out
with my fingernail file, Ratso.
The name's Rizzo.
That's what I said. Ratso.
[ Joe ]
You heard him.
That's all right.
I mean, I'm used to these types...
that get their kicks
pickin' on cripples.
- The sewer's full of them.
- I wanna ask you one question, cowboy.
If you're sittin' here,
and he's sittin' over there...
how's he gonna get his hand
into your pocket?
- Let me work...
- I guess he's got that figured out.
Good night, sweets.
- Faggot.
- Provolone.
With these gals that wanna buy it...
most of them
are old and dignified.
Social register types,
you know what I mean?
They can't be trottin' down to Times
Square to pick out the merchandise.
They gotta have
some kind of middleman.
That's where O'Daniel comes in.
- [ Tires Screech, Horn Honks ]
- Hey, I'm walkin' here!
Up yours, you son of a bitch!
Don't talk to me that way!
- Get outta here!
- [ Horn Honking ]
Don't worry about that. Actually, that
ain't a bad way to pick up insurance.
[ Ratso ] It's crazy, a stud like you
payin' that dame that you told me about.
With proper management...
you could be takin' home $50,
maybe $100 a day, easy.
Hey, Brucey.
Hang in there, baby.
What's that?
Him I placed with O'Daniel
about two weeks ago.
He ain't much of a stud either,
from what I hear.
All right.
- Hey, horse.
- [ Ratso Coughs ]
How about you take me to meet
this Mr. O'Daniel right now?
You're a nice guy, and actually
I'd be doin' both of you a favor...
but for what?
What am I draggin' my bum leg
around town for?
Tomorrow, some piece like that might be
scratching your back at the Plaza...
and where am I gonna be?
Hold on. You think I'm
that kind of a son of a bitch?
Just name your cut.
Whatever you want, you got it now.
It's all right.
What you want? Five? Ten?
Are you kidding me?
You know what I'd ask somebody else?
- There's ten right there.
- All right. Forget it.
I'll take the ten.
But when I take you over
to see Mr. O'Daniel...
I'm gonna have to have another ten
just to cover expenses, all right?
Come on. I'll buy you coffee.
On me. [ Coughing ]
Get outta here.
Bunch of creeps. Go to work.
He needs you tonight.
I got his tongue hangin' out.
His name is Joe Buck.
He's a cowboy.
Just came in from Texas.
He's new to the city.
He don't know the ropes...
but he's promising material,
if you know what I mean.
[ Ratso ]
Fabulous. Right away.
What's your room number
there again, sir?
Right. Okay.
Hold it a second.
Let's see how you look.
Fine.
You look fine.
Think I could have that other ten now?
Where can I reach you?
I'll make this thing right with you
once I get set up.
- Forget it.
- Where do you live?
The Chevy-Netherlands Hotel.
Chevy-Netherlands Hotel.
Get your ass in there now.
He's waitin'. Go ahead.
Come on. Are you on vacation?
You must be Joe Buck.
Yes, sir, I am.
Come in. Let's look at you.
Turn around.
Turn around.
Good strong back.
You're gonna need it.
So you want help?
Sit down. Relax.
Cowboy, eh?
Well, sir,
I ain't a for-real cowboy...
but I am one hell of a stud!
Take it easy, boy.
Seems to me you're different
from most of the boys that come to me.
Most of those boys
are troubled and confused.
I'd say you know
exactly what you want.
- You bet I do, sir.
- Yeah.
But I'll bet you got one thing in common
with those other boys.
I'll bet you're lonesome.
Well, not too.
A little.
Yeah!
Lonesome!
'I'm lonesome, so I'm a drunk.
- I'm lonesome, so I'm a dope fiend.
- [ Woman ] Shut up!
'I'm lonesome, so I'm a thief.
'I'm lonesome, so I'm a fornicator,
a whoremonger!'
- [ Woman ] You phony!
- Poop, I say, poop!
I've heard it all,
and I'm sick to death of it!
I can see that.
Lonesomeness.
Lonesomeness is something
you take, you hear?
Damn it, you take it
and you go on with your work.
I'm rarin' to go, sir.
Yes, I believe you are.
Cowboy, eh?
- Yes, sir.
- Yeah.
- Ready for hard work?
- I'm ready for anything.
I reckon it's gonna be
easier for you than for most others.
It's gonna be like money from home.
Money from home!
There's your strength, son, see?
You've got the way of putting things
earthy so anybody can understand them.
I warn you, Joe Buck.
I'm gonna use you.
I'm gonna run you ragged!
[ Whooping ]
You're wonderful, boy.
We're gonna have fun together.
It don't have to be joyless.
Hell, no.
Why don't you and me...
get down on our knees right now?
How's that strike you?
- Where?
- Right here!
Right now!
Why not?
I've prayed on the streets.
I've prayed in the saloons.
I've prayed on the toilets.
It don't matter where,
so long as He gets that prayer!
See Him!
That's the ticket.
Just open your heart...
[ O'Daniel Ranting ]
Don't be frightened, son!
I baptize thee, my brother,
in the name of the Father...
[ O'Daniel ]
You shall be heard!
the Son and the Holy Spirit.
[ O'Daniel ]
Don't run from Jesus!
[ Screaming ]
Hey, you know that runty
little bastard I was with?
I don't know nothing.
[ Laughing ]
Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
[ Man Laughing ]
What's that monstrosity down there?
[ Man #2 ]
That's a toupee for dogs.
This is Fifi's wig.
That's for that dog?
[ Talk Show Host Laughs ]
I don't believe this dog.
There's something going on here.
Now, really, seriously...
isn't this really a case of conning
a lot of lonely people?
[ Woman ]
Yes. Who else would do it?
A woman with children
wouldn't have time.
When they have no children,
a woman who is alone...
[ Sally's Voice ] There's a TV dinner
in the fridge. Expect me when you see me.
I'll leave you movie money.
[ Host ]
I think that's sick.
Dressing up a dog
to look like a child?
[ Man #2 ]
In case she meets another...
[ Host ]
That's terrible!
She looks terrible.
[ Audience Laughing ]
If I can find the hole...
[ Coin Dropping ]
[ Male Radio Announcer ]
Gold and silver and candlelight.
Wine and skyrockets...
and butterfly thoughts
that glitter in your mind.
[ Female Announcer ]
You're special.
Give yourself special treatment.
[ Male Announcer ]
Need money?
We love to lend it to you.
[ Female Announcer ]
Why worry about your future?
What do you want
more than anything in the world?
[ Male Announcer ]
Take it easy, but take it.
[ Joe ]
Key to room 514, please, sir.
Looks like you've been
locked out of your room, buddy...
'til you pick up the tab.
What about all my things?
We keep them nice and safe,
'til you get this thing settled.
You can keep all the rest
of the goddamn junk...
if you just let me have
the suitcase.
It means a lot to me.
We keep everything.
House rules.
You gonna eat them crackers?
I spilled some on my pants.
Can you tell me how
I get to Grand Central?
Surely.
You follow the green lights.
Officer.
How do I get to Grand Central?
You know what you gotta do,
cowboy?
Spacecraft to Earth Control.
Check trajectory.
We have a malfunction
of our instruments.
Captain Grace is investigating.
Orbital module has failed to separate
from upper stage booster as planned.
Earth Control to spacecraft.
You have 30 seconds before you are
ejected into lunar trajectory.
Only 30 seconds.
Do you read me?
Spacecraft to Earth Control.
I read you.
Chuck! I've lost you!
Spacecraft to Earth Control.
We've lost contact
with Captain Grace.
- Can you track him?
- [ Annie's Voice ] Kiss me, Joe.
Earth Control to spacecraft.
He's in free fall.
You're the only one, Joe.
[ Young Man ] Kissin' Crazy Annie. You
better drink a whole damn drugstore.
Kiss me, Joe.
[ Annie Sighs ]
Oh! You're the only one!
[ Rocket Engine Roaring ]
I'm awful sorry you're sick...
but you have to
give me that money.
I was lying.
I don't have it.
What are you gonna do to me?
- You ain't got no $25 on you?
- No.
- What are you gonna do to me?
- What do you think?
What do you want me to do to you?
- You wanna get beat on?
- No.
- How much you got in your pockets?
- Nothing.
Empty your pockets out
right over there.
- Take my books.
- I don't want your damn books!
How much is that worth?
Don't take my watch. Please.
Don't take it.
It's only a cheap watch.
It's not worth anything.
I can't go home without it.
My mother would die.
Don't take it.
I can't go home.
She'd die.
She would die. Please.
I don't want your damn watch.
## [ Marching Band Music ]
[ Announcer ] Preparing for this
brief moment of glory at halftime.
A basic training as rigorous
as the star football players themselves.
Long hours
of precision choreography...
that would put the Rockettes
to shame.
Musical arrangements, rehearsals,
costume fittings.
A production
in Hollywood's finest tradition.
[ Horn Honking, Tires Screeching ]
[ Radio Announcer ] You can spot the
invaders easily if they're by themselves.
They're dark, heavy
and have noticeable accents.
Every day they're working themselves
into more homes.
What can you do
about these invaders?
Enjoy them. November,
'Better Homes and Gardens'...
tells you about the invasion
of the stylish furniture from Spain.
Don't hit me. I'm a cripple!
I ain't gonna hit you.
I'm gonna strangle you to death!
- Wait.
- First, I'm gonna shake you out.
Where's my money?
Put it right there.
All right. Here.
That's all I got.
That's all you got?
- What you got in your socks?
- Nothin'. I swear to God.
I swear on my mother's eyes.
Here, 64 cents. Go ahead.
I want you to have it.
It's sticky.
Did you slobber on it?
Here. Have a cigarette.
Come on.
Come on.
[ Ratso Strikes A Match ]
Sit down.
How do you like that O'Daniel,
flippin' out like that?
I tried to get in touch with you
when I heard...
but I was laid up with this cold.
You want some free medical advice?
You just keep your damn mouth
shut about that night.
Right. Fine. Okay.
Fine. Okay.
Another subject.
Where you livin' at?
You still at the hotel?
Why am I talkin' to you, damn it?
Hey, come on!
- Wait up!
- Keep away from me!
Come near me again,
I'll snatch you bald-headed.
I'm invitin' you.
If you're not located, I got a place.
- I'm invitin' you, goddammit!
- You're invitin'! Shit!
[ Ratso ] The 'X' on the windows means
the landlord can't collect rent...
which is a convenience
on account of it's condemned.
Front door. I don't care.
Actually, I prefer it that way.
Keeps the punks
and the creeps outta here.
Got my own private entrance.
You're the only one
who knows about it.
Watch the plank.
Break your goddamn skull.
No way to collect insurance.
There's glass there.
I've been meaning
to take that fridge up.
Get it, will you?
- Need any help?
- Not from you.
You okay?
It's not far.
[ Radio Clicks On ]
It's just one more up.
All the electric's off.
I don't mess with Con Edison.
Just another convenience.
The icebox will keep the roaches
from gettin' in the perishables.
[ Panting ]
Where did you steal this thing?
It's been sittin' down there
for weeks.
I don't mean now.
I mean before then.
Don't get a hernia.
Go ahead.
Just drop it anywhere.
[ Scanning Radio Dial ]
It's not bad, huh?
[ Toilet Flushing ]
There's no heat,
but by the time winter comes...
I'll be in Florida.
You wanna stretch out here?
Make yourself comfortable?
Go ahead.
Why don't you take a nap?
Would you like a cup of coffee?
[ Annie ]
Do you love me, Joe?
You're the only one, Joe.
You're the only one.
[ Sally ]
I said stop that!
[ Siren Wailing ]
He's the one.
He's the only one.
[ Annie ]
He's the one.
He's the only one.
[ Siren Wailing ]
[ Scanning Radio Dial ]
[ Panting ]
[ Radio Newscaster ] ...says there
have been 429 American casualties.
This as opposed to 643 South Vietnamese
soldiers on the death list.
Wait a minute.
What's the mat...
What's the matter?
Where's my damn boots?
Over there.
[ Ratso Coughs ]
How'd they get off me?
I took 'em off.
What for?
So you could sleep.
I mean, Christ.
I should haul my ass outta here.
What's wrong now?
You want me to stay here.
What are you after?
You don't look like no fag.
What's that supposed to mean?
Don't you want me to stay here tonight?
I'm not forcin' you.
Who's forcin' you?
Oh, I'm sorry. I truly am.
I must've got
the wrong impression then.
Okay. Okay, boy.
I want you to stay, all right?
I goddamn invited you, didn't I?
I hope you know what you're in for.
I'm a truly dangerous person, I am.
If someone does me bad like you...
If I'd have found you that night,
there would have been one dead Ratso.
You understand me?
You hear?
I'm impressed. You're a killer.
[ Sighing ]
If I'm gonna stay here a couple days,
I just thought you should know.
'Property of the YMCA.
Sometimes you make me
wanna puke, Ratso.
[ Coughing ]
Joe, do me one favor, huh?
This is my place.
Am I wrong?
No, you ain't wrong.
In my own place...
my name ain't Ratso.
It just so happens
that in my own place...
my name
is Enrico Salvatore Rizzo.
I can't say all that.
Rico, then.
At least call me Rico
in my own goddamn place.
Okay, Rico.
Rico. Rico.
That enough for you?
That's fine. Give me a pillow.
Give me one of those pillows.
[ Coughing ]
Keep your meat hooks off my radio.
[ Coughing ]
Rico. Rico.
[ Coughing ]
Are you here again?
Didn't I tell you once before
to keep away from here?
Every time you take stuff from me!
Get out of here!
- That ain't nice, pickin' on a cripple!
- Cripple or not, I don't care!
Who the hell do you think you are?
[ Speaking Italian ]
The two basic items
necessary to sustain life...
are sunshine and coconut milk.
Did you know that?
That's a fact.
In Florida, you got a terrific
amount of coconut trees there.
I think they even got 'em
in the gas stations over there.
And ladies.
You know that in Miami you got...
Are you listenin' to me?
You got more ladies in Miami...
than in any resort area
in the country there.
I think per capita, on a given day,
there's probably...
three hundred of 'em
on the beach.
In fact, you can't even
scratch yourself...
without getting a belly button
up the old kazoo there.
It's hot. Let's go.
Come on!
Hey.
Smells worse hot
than it did cold.
All right, startin' tomorrow
you cook your own goddamn dinner...
or you get one of your rich
Park Avenue ladies to cook for you.
- I'm eatin' it, see?
- In her penthouse.
Look, I'm eatin' this shit, Ratso.
Mmm, good! Mmm!
- It's good.
- I gotta get outta here.
I gotta get outta here.
Miami Beach,
that's where you could score.
Anybody can score there,
even you.
In New York, no rich lady with any class
at all buys that cowboy crap anymore.
They're laughin' at you
on the street.
- Ain't nobody laughin' at me.
- I seen 'em laughin' at you, fella.
What the hell do you know about women?
When's the last time you scored, boy?
I only talk about that at confession.
-We're not talkin' about me now.
-Well, when'd you last go to confession?
That's between me and my confessor.
And I'll tell you another thing.
Frankly,
you're beginning to smell.
And for a stud in New York,
that's a handicap.
Don't talk to me about clean.
I ain't seen you change your underwear
the whole time I've been in New York.
- That's peculiar behavior.
- I don't have to do that in public.
- I ain't got no need to expose myself.
- No, I'll bet you don't!
I bet you ain't never even been laid!
How about that?
And you're gonna tell me
what appeals to women.
I know enough to know that that
great big dumb cowboy crap of yours...
don't appeal to nobody
except every Jacky on 42nd Street!
That's faggot stuff!
If you wanna call it by its name,
that's strictly for fags!
John Wayne! Are you gonna
tell me he's a fag?
I like the way I look.
It makes me feel good. It does.
And women like me, goddammit!
Hell, the only one thing
I ever been good for is lovin'.
Women go crazy for me.
That's a really true fact.
Crazy Annie,
they had to send her away.
Then how come you ain't scored once
the whole time you've been in New York?
'Cause I need management, goddammit!
'Cause you stole $20 off of me!
That's why you're gonna stop
crappin' around about Florida...
and get your skinny butt movin',
earn $20 worth of management...
which you owe me!
[ Women Speaking Italian ]
[ Italian Continues ]
[ Italian Continues ]
Signora, a woman in your condition
shouldn't have to do all this.
[ Conversing In Italian ]
Boy, you have
a lot of laundry here.
[ Italian Continues ]
[ Joe ] It just ain't right
cheatin' from a pregnant lady.
- What did it cost her?
- What do you mean?
Get outta here. The laundry syndicate
lost a couple of coins. I'm cryin'.
- That's it, sir.
- All right.
Sir, where's mine?
The black homburg.
- I brought it in at the same time.
- Well, I tell you, I don't know.
You no have a hat here, mister.
You gotta bring me the ticket...
What about that black homburg
right up there? Up in there.
Is that it right there?
A ticket? Here's my ticket.
It's right there on the corner.
- You wanna get it, right over there?
- I'll look 'em over.
Keep goin'. Up to the top.
Right in the corner there.
The top one.
[ Cleaner ] No, it not belong to
yours. It belong somebody else.
Hey!
## [ Music From Radio ]
Hey, you're pretty damn good at that.
I bet you could make a livin' at it.
And end up a hunchback
like my old man?
If you think I'm crippled, you should've
caught him at the end of the day.
My old man spent 14 hours a day
down in that subway.
He'd come home, two, three dollars'
worth of change...
stained with shoe polish.
Stupid bastard coughed his lungs out
from breathin' in that wax all day.
Even the faggot undertaker
couldn't get his nails clean.
They had to bury him
with gloves on.
Okay, go ahead.
Come on. Take a look.
Don't rush me, boy.
Gotta take your time here.
Get myself primed up,
like I was turnin' on the charm...
for some pretty little
blonde lady, you know?
Then when I'm feelin'
cool and good...
I spin around!
And there you are,
you handsome devil you.
Not bad.
Not bad.
For a cowboy.
You're okay.
You're okay.
The lady will
meet you in the lobby.
Taxi!
Yes, sir. Oh, I think you got
somethin' on your shoulder there.
There, you got it.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Say, you haven't got
a quarter, have you?
Just a quarter?
- How do you like that cheap bastard?
- Let's see what the hell you got here.
I think we struck gold.
This is one high-class chick.
'Barclay Hotel For Women.
Women.
Is this the
Gentleman's Escort Service?
I'm calling for Miss Beecham...
at the Barclay Hotel.
Right. She changed her mind.
She won't need nobody tonight.
That's right.
Thank you very much. Bye.
Would you believe a whole goddamn hotel
with nothin' but lonely ladies?
Score once
in a setup like that...
and the way they talk,
I could open up an office in there.
Come on.
Go ahead.
Get the money.
Listen, get the cash.
Remember that lady in the penthouse.
Get the cash.
Those rich ladies write out a check,
and then call the bank and stop payment.
- Go ahead. Watch the car!
- [ Honking ]
Go on.
Rico!
Hey, Rico!
Rico, up here!
Up here!
Rico!
A-6.
G-49.
G-49.
I-24.
I-24.
- And the next one is...
- Oh!
O-62, ladies and gentlemen.
O-62!
Are there any bingos?
- And the next one is B-13.
- How dare you, in this public place!
[ Joe ] Wait a second, lady!
Goddammit, you keep your hands off me!
[ Arguing ]
[ Siren Wailing ]
[ Wind Howling ]
[ Coughing ]
[ Rumbling ]
[ Radio Announcer ] The temperature right now is
It's cloudy now, and we can expect
a few snow flurries later on.
## [ Music Playing ]
# Orange juice on ice is nice #
# Orange juice on the ice #
- # Orange juice on ice is nice #
- [ Coughing ]
# It's refreshingly cooler naturally #
# Break away from old habits #
# Take a word of advice #
# Serve real Florida orange juice #
# Orange juice on ice #
# Break away from old habits #
# Take a word of advice #
# Serve real Florida orange juice #
# Orange juice on ice ##
[ Radio Clicks Off ]
I'll give you $5 for it.
Yeah.
[ Coughing ]
[ Coughing ]
# I got a telephone call from Jesus #
# I got him on the line #
# I'm gonna call him up
Ring him up #
# Then the sun will shine #
[ Coughing ]
# I got a telephone call from Jesus #
- # I got him on the line ##
- [ Coughing ]
[ Man ]
Oh, for Christ's sake!
[ Coughing ]
[ Coughing ]
[ Coughing ]
Hey, Ratso.
- [ Coughing ]
- Hey, get your ass out here.
I wanna show you something.
There you go, boy.
There's money for you.
That's $9 right there,
plus assorted change.
Minus 26 for milk.
Plus 5 for Dentyne... gum.
[ Coughing ]
Oh, that's smart.
Light a cigarette.
- [ Coughing ]
- Why not take that and buy a carton?
Do the job right.
Where'd you get it?
I got it.
Where you been? 42nd Street?
That's where you been.
Movies,
that's where you've been.
- I ain't been nowhere.
- Yeah, movies.
That's where you got
that thing on your back.
What, this?
'What, this?'
A friend I did a favor for
give it to me.
- A friend?
- Yeah.
You'd just let some poor bastard
freeze to death, wouldn't you?
You stole the damn thing, didn't you?
I stole it for you! The goddamn thing's
ten sizes too big for me.
Wear it yourself!
I wouldn't have it on my back.
I'll be goddamned
if I'll wear it.
Here.
[ Coughing ]
Buy yourself some medicine
before you die on my damn hands.
[ Coughing ]
- I hate boneyards.
- So split.
He ain't your goddamn father!
He was even dumber than you.
He couldn't even
write his own name.
'X,' that's what it oughta say
on that goddamn headstone.
One big, lousy 'X'!
Just like our dump:
condemned by order of city hall.
My grandma, Sally Buck...
she died without lettin' me know.
Oh, Hitler's storm troopers!
Just because I happened
to get out of a car!
It all depends on
what you believe in.
Like sometimes your spirit goes up,
sometimes it goes...
It goes other places.
How long did I hold up traffic
just to get out? I ask you.
Give some people a little power, and
they gotta supersede their authority.
This whole kind of thing is
spiritual... spiritual matters.
Oh, now you're talkin' priest talk.
You're talkin' priest talk now.
I ain't talkin' priest talk, I'm
talkin' about what people believe in.
Some people believe you can
come back in another body.
Well, I hope I don't
come back in your body.
I ain't asking you to come back in my
body, but you can come back as anything.
You could come back as a...
a dog or a president.
If I had my choice,
I'd come back as a president.
I ain't that dumb.
What do you think?
Maybe you gotta think about
those things for a while.
I'm usually not like this. I'm usually
a very calm and collected person.
Really, forgive me.
I'm awfully sorry.
I think I'm gonna
write a letter to the mayor.
I don't believe in any of that crap.
You're entitled to think what you want.
- Maybe I do think what I want.
- Him.
Maybe I do believe all that
damn stuff, and I... and I...
- Do some thinkin' about it, that's all.
- Here.
What was that all about?
Hey, lookie here.
I've been chosen for some damn thing.
Hey.
- It's a come-on.
- You know what this is?
- This is a come-on to a party.
- It's a couple of wackos advertising.
Where does it say to go?
Klein's Bargain Basement?
You go and get a ten-year subscription
to the Encyclopedia Britannica.
It says 'Broadway and Harmony Lane,
Hansel and Gretel McAlbertson.
- That's perfectly clear, ain't it?
- Get outta here.
What do a couple of fruity wackos want
with characters like you and me?
It don't say nothin' about you.
It don't say nothin' about you.
It don't say nothin'
about you, either.
They took my picture, didn't they?
So, you want me to get lost
so you can go to your fancy-ass party?
I didn't say nothin' about that.
Did I say that?
Did I?
I'll just tell 'em...
'You want me, I don't go nowhere
without my buddy here.
I ain't dressed for a party.
[ Coughing ]
- There you go. Right here.
- [ Barking ]
[ Barking ]
Hey, dog.
[ Barking ]
[ Coughing ]
## [ Music Playing ]
[ Groans ]
Hey, you all right?
You okay?
Hell, damn, you're sweating
all over the damn place.
Come here.
You got a comb on ya?
- I don't need a comb.
- Here.
Few dozen cooties ain't gonna
kill me, I don't guess.
[ Music Continues ]
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- I look okay?
- Yeah.
Okay, come on.
Come on.
They're takin' my picture.
## [ Music Continues ]
[ Beep ]
Now just one more
close-up with her.
I love everything
in the theater.
I would like to die
on the stage.
And my hair is fur, you know...
its tendrils reaching
out into space sometimes.
I've watched it touch many stars.
Wackos. They're all wackos.
I think we better find somebody
and tell 'em that I'm here.
Hey!
Uh, well, I made it.
This is my friend,
Ratso Rizzo, nd I.
- Rico. Rico Rizzo.
- Hello.
If you need anything, there's beer
and stuff behind me. Anything you want.
Oh, Jesus.
If you want the word on that
brother-and-sister act...
Hansel's a fag and Gretel's got the hots
for herself, so who cares, right?
Load up on the salami.
- [ Beep ]
- It's like what?
It's like heroin.
Death is like heroin.
- Have you tried heroin?
- Yeah, I've tried heroin.
It's like nothing. It's like death.
It's just nothing.
- Why are you here?
- I don't know.
Who brought you?
I don't know.
Thank you, ma'am.
Hey, whoa!
Hey, sonny, what you doin' there?
She gave it to me, boy.
Give me the goddamn thing.
[ People Laughing ]
Hey, what do you want?
Up or down?
Up or down?
Here, why don't you take an upper.
[ Woman Laughing ]
[ Music Continues ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Chimes Jingling ]
Why are you stealing food?
I was just noticin'
that you're outta salami.
I think you oughta have somebody go over
to the delicatessen and bring some more.
Well, you know, it's free.
You don't have to steal it.
If it's free,
then I ain't stealin'.
- How did you get crippled?
- I slipped on a banana peel.
- I gotta sit down. I feel crummy.
- What's the matter?
- Take your hands off of me!
- Why don't you use my shower?
Take a walk! Just take your hands
off of me! Don't touch me!
- Just take a walk!
- Take a shave!
- I'm going to lick the sweat off.
- Keep your hands off of me!
Well, you look hot!
- Guess who I am.
- Who?
It's me!
How you doin'?
You're gettin' your picture took, huh?
[ Chimes Jingling ]
Hi.
[ Making Sizzling Sounds ]
[ Sighing ]
[ Muttering, Growling ]
Hey.
Let's, uh...
leave now.
Your place...
or mine?
- She's hooked.
- Like why a cowboy?
I'd say she was good for 10 bucks,
but I'll ask for 20.
Why a cowboy whore?
Did you know
we were gonna make it?
So, you really
wanna do business?
Who is he?
- [ Joe Laughing ]
- Don't tell me you two are a couple.
- [ Laughing ]
- Hey.
Why are you laughing, Joe?
- Are you really a cowboy?
- I'll tell you the truth now.
I ain't a for-real cowboy,
but I am one hell of a stud.
A very expensive stud,
and I happen to be his manager.
- How much is this gonna cost me?
- Twenty bucks.
- Okay.
- And taxi fare for me.
Oh, get lost, will ya?
I agree, but for that service
I charge one buck taxi fare.
- Okay?
- Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
Oh, boy.
Here.
- Go ahead.
- Give me a break.
I don't even know what your name is.
I wanna know your name. What is it?
- My name's Joe!
- Joe!
Fabulous!
Joe could be anyone.
I like that.
Move over, Joe. Come here, Joe.
Kiss me, Joe.
That's a very good idea.
Why don't you kiss me, Joe?
Oh, my... Wow!
Too much.
He fell.
Hey, fella, you fell.
Is he all right?
Yeah, he's fine.
Well, if you're all right,
why you hangin' on the banister?
- Can't you walk or not?
- Naturally, I can walk.
He's got taxi fare.
- Come on.
- Are you sure you're all right?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ Engine Starts ]
Hey, Ratso!
Whoopee-tee-yi-yo, boy!
Whoo-hah!
Well, it happens.
- Don't worry about it.
- It ain't never happened to me before.
You can bet your
bottom dollar on that.
Where's the matches, ma'am?
Over there behind that thing.
Maybe if you didn't
call me 'ma'am'...
things might work out better.
That's the first goddamn time
the thing ever quit on me.
That's a fact.
You think I'm lyin' to you?
No. No, I don't
think you're lying.
I just had this funny image.
I had this image of a...
policeman without his stick...
and a bugler without his horn...
etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Oh.
Well, I think
I'm making it worse.
Maybe we oughta
take a little nap...
and see what happens.
- I ain't sleepy.
- Oh.
I know. Scribbage.
Shit!
Look at this here. See?
There's an 'e' in 'money.
I mean, if that's your word.
M-O-N-Y.
That's just exactly how you spell it
on that big building up there.
M-O-N-Y, money.
'Y. What in the hell
starts with 'Y'?
Well, it can end in 'Y'...
like, uh, 'say,' 'pay'...
'lay.
Hey, pay...
lay.
Okay, cut it out now.
That's enough.
You're cheating...
teasin' me so I can't think.
'Gay' ends in 'Y.
Hmm?
- Do you like that?
- Cut that out.
Gay, fay.
Is that your problem, baby?
I'm gonna show you
my darn problem!
[ Laughing ]
Oh! Ow!
I'm not.
I'm not exaggerating.
Listen, Marjorie,
you should try it.
It might be terrific for you.
Oh, for God's sake.
Well, what night
is Phil's poker night?
Well, think.
Yeah, all right.
Joe, are you available
Thursday night?
What time?
Yeah, around 8:30?
Uh, well, let me think now.
Thursday, 8:30.
Uh, well, I guess
I can be available.
Hell, yes!
Hello? Marjorie, it's all set
for Thursday night at 8:30.
Yes, it's... No, I can't talk to you now,
so call me at the office later.
Yeah, okay. Bye-bye.
Ma'am, Shirley,
I sure hate to trouble you, but...
Sure.
- Twenty, wasn't it?
- Yes'm.
Bye.
[ Coughing ]
[ Coughing ]
Hey, boy, look right in there!
What do ya see?
Look in there, boy!
Some of that stuff's for you too!
Look. Try that on
for size for ya.
I got some of that stuff
you like to swill too.
Aspirin, Mentholatum,
all that crap.
- What's the matter? They wrong?
- They're okay.
Only why'd you buy 'em?
While you were gettin' the aspirin,
I could've lifted this.
- Is that hot?
- Yeah. You want some soup?
- Yeah.
- I'll get you some soup, then.
We ain't gonna have to steal no more,
is what I'm tryin' to tell ya.
I got eight bucks in my damn pockets.
Twenty more come Thursday, boy.
-We're gonna be ridin' easy before long.
-Give me some soup.
- Give me some soup.
- I'm gettin' ya some soup.
Look at that there.
That's good, healthy stuff for you.
Lookie there.
Lookie there. Soup.
- Thanks.
- It's hot. Watch out.
How was she?
She went crazy, if you want
to know the damn truth of it.
Yeah. She turned into
a damn alley cat.
- Thanks for the stuff.
- Don't mention it.
It's good.
Hey, listen, don't get sore
or anything, okay?
I ain't sore.
I don't think
I can walk anymore.
I mean, I've been
fallin' down a lot.
I'm scared.
What are you scared of?
You know what they do to you
when they know you can't...
When they find out
that you can't wa... walk.
Oh, Christ!
I gotta lay down.
- Okay, okay.
- I gotta lay down.
You're gonna lay down now.
Just take it easy.
I'm gonna lay you down.
I'm gonna lay you down.
There you go.
I'm gonna put this thing over ya.
Now you stay here.
Where you goin'?
- I gotta get a doctor.
- What?
- I gotta get a doctor.
- You ain't gettin' me no doctor.
You're sick, boy.
You need a damn doctor.
No doctors, no cops.
Don't be so stupid.
- What the hell you want me to do?
- You get me to Florida.
- Hell, I can't go to Florida now.
- Just put me on a bus.
Just put me on a bus.
I don't need you.
You got the damn fever.
How the hell you gonna get to Florida?
Just get me on a bus.
You ain't sendin' me to Bellevue.
All right. What are you
doin' that for? It's hot.
You're sick.
I'm keepin' it on you.
I'm too hot now.
Dumb.
Boy, you're really dumb.
I don't need you. You're dumb.
- Shut up! Just shut up!
- Dumb cowboy, boy.
Damn it! Shut up!
Just when things are goin' right for me,
you gotta pull a damn stunt like this.
Hi, Shirley.
How you doin', girl?
Miss who?
Well, when will
Mrs. Gardner be home?
This is a friend of hers.
This is a goddamn good friend of hers.
Well, hell,
I can't wait that long.
- [ Ding ]
- Too bad.
Well, we all have
our off days.
[ Making Shooting Sounds ]
I'm Townsend P. Locke, from Chicago.
Call me Towny.
I'm here on a paper manufacturer's
convention and, frankly...
to have a little fun, damn it.
It's my first night here, and I'd feel
privileged if you'd have dinner with me.
There's a little French restaurant
not too far from here.
Italian restaurant?
Does that appeal to you?
Don't worry about how you're dressed.
They know me.
Besides, I'll tell 'em
you're with the rodeo.
There's always a rodeo
in town, damn it.
Besides, you look very elegant.
Oh, but damn it all, we can't do that.
I'm expecting a phone call at the hotel.
Mama? A coincidence.
Guess who was being discussed?
Have you got
that thing turned up?
Well, why aren't you wearing it?
Oh, really, Mama,
this is just impossible.
I mean,
why go to all the expense?
Listen, Towny.
Did I tell you I got me
a sick kid on my hands?
Well, he's sick on chill, and I gotta
get him south quick as I can.
I got me a sick boy...
and I'm gonna get him south.
Do you understand me, Towny?
I'm gonna get him south.
What you want?
What you got me up here for?
Oh, Joe, it's...
It's so difficult.
You're a nice person, Joe.
I should never have asked you up here.
You're a lovely person, really.
Oh, God, I loathe life.
I loathe it.
Please go.
- Please.
- You want me to leave?
No.
I mean, yes, yes.
Please go.
Come back tomorrow.
- Promise?
- I'm goin' to Florida tomorrow.
That's terrible.
You meet someone, you think...
Yeah.
I want to give you a present...
for your trip.
Please take it.
I want you to have it.
You don't have to be a Catholic.
St. Christopher's the patron saint
of all travellers.
I want you to take it.
It's for helping me be good.
I gotta have money.
Yes, of course.
Wait here.
I said wait.
Here. Don't even thank me.
I gotta have more than 10.
I gotta have $57.
- I simply don't have it, Joe.
- I got family, goddammit!
- There's nothing in here.
- Get outta my way, please, sir.
Get outta my way!
Let go of that table,
please, sir.
- Please, sir?
- No, please!
No, don't, don't.
I deserved that.
I brought this on myself, I know I did.
My nose is bleeding, isn't it?
Now, you gonna let go
of that table?
Now, are you gonna let go of that table,
or you want a busted skull?
Oh, Joe, thank you.
Operator.
Number, please.
- Number, please.
- Hello.
- No, no, I wasn't calling anyone.
- Hello?
I wasn't calling anyone.
I wasn't calling anyone.
No, I wasn't calling anyone.
Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe.
[ Engine Roaring ]
[ Engine Roaring ]
Thirty-one hours.
we get there.
Not this morning...
but the next at 11:30.
These guys are good drivers, boy.
They gotta be.
You didn't kill him, did ya?
Got blood on your jacket.
I don't wanna talk about it.
If you're gonna shiver,
put your blankets up more.
I've been thinkin'.
I hope we're not gonna have trouble
about my name down there.
I mean, what's the whole point
of this trip, anyway?
You know?
Keep your blankets on you.
I mean, can you see this guy, running
around the beach all suntanned...
and he's goin' swimmin', like...
and somebody yells,
'Hey, Ratso.
What's that sound like to you?
Sounds like I knew ya.
Sounds like crap.
Admit it.
I'm Rico all the time, okay?
We're gonna tell all these new people
my name's Rico.
Okay?
Okay.
- Hey, what's the matter?
- I'm wet.
You're... You're what?
I wet my pants.
The seat's all wet.
Well, hell, there ain't no use
cryin' over the damn thing.
Here I am goin' to Florida,
my leg hurts...
my butt hurts, my chest hurts,
my face hurts...
and like that ain't enough,
I gotta pee all over myself.
That's funny?
I'm fallin' apart here.
You just...
You know what happened?
You just took a little rest stop
that wasn't on the schedule.
Let me put you up here.
Hey, what size pants you wear?
# Everybody's talkin' at me #
# I don't hear a word they're sayin' #
# Only the echoes of my mind #
# People stoppin', starin' #
# I can't see their faces #
# Only the shadows of their eyes #
Thank you, ma'am.
- Where you from?
- New York.
You ever been here before?
No, ma'am, I ain't.
This is my first time.
Well, I hope you have
a good time in Florida.
Thank you.
# Backin' off of the northeast winds #
# Sailin' on summer breeze #
Hey. Hey, what're you doin'?
I'm zippin' your fly.
What the hell you think I'm doin'?
# I'm goin' where
the sun keeps shinin' #
# Through the pourin' rain #
# Goin' where the weather #
# Suits my clothes ##
Thanks, Joe.
These shirts are comfortable,
ain't they?
Yours was the only one left
with a palm tree on it.
Clothes are damn cheap here too,
you know that?
[ Coughing ]
Everything we got
only set us back ten some.
Hey, you know, Ratso...
Rico, I mean...
I got this damn thing
all figured out.
When we get to Miami,
what I'm gonna do is...
get some sort of job, you know?
'Cause, hell,
I ain't no kind of hustler.
I mean, there must be an easier way
of makin' a livin' than that.
Some sort of outdoors work.
What do you think?
Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
Okay, Rico?
Rico?
Rico.
Hey, Rico?
Rico?
Okay, folks, everything's all right.
Nothin' to worry about.
Is he kin to you?
- Wanna close his eyes?
- What?
Just reach over
and close his eyes.
We'll just drive on in, all right?
Nothin' else we can do.
Okay, folks, just a little illness.
We'll be in Miami in a few minutes.
[ Driver On P. A. ]
Okay, folks, nothin' to worry about.
Just a little illness.
We'll be in Miami in just a few minutes.
# Whoopee-tee-yi-yo #
# Get along little dogies #
# It's your misfortune
and none of my own #
# Whoopee-tee-yi-yo #
# Get along little dogies #
# For you know New York #
# Will be your new home #
# Whoopee-tee-yi-yo #
# Get along little dogies #
# It's your misfortune
and none of my own #
- [ Woman ] Where's that Joe Buck?
- Where's that Joe Buck?
[ Man ]
Where's Joe Buck?
# Get along little dogies ##
Where is our Joe Buck?
Look at this crap!
Yeah, where's that Joe Buck?
- [ Woman ] Where's that Joe Buck?
- [ Man ] Where's that Joe Buck?
You're due here at 4:00.
You know what you can do
with them dishes.
And if you ain't man enough
to do it for yourself...
I'd be happy to oblige.
I really would.
# Everybody's talkin' at me #
# I don't hear a word they're sayin' #
# Only the echoes of my mind #
# People stoppin', starin' #
# I can't see their faces #
# Only the shadows of their eyes #
# I'm goin' where
the sun keeps shinin' #
# Through the pourin' rain #
# Goin' where the weather #
# Suits my clothes #
# Backin' off of the northeast winds #
# Sailin' on summer breeze #
# Skippin' over the ocean
like a stone #
# I'm goin' where
the sun keeps shinin' #
# Through the pourin' rain #
# Goin' where the weather #
# Suits my clothes #
- [ Horn Honking ]
- # Backin' off of the northeast winds #
# Sailin' on summer breeze #
# Skippin' over the ocean
like a stone #
# Everybody's talkin' at me ##
How ya doin', Ralph?
Four to midnight,
that's when you're due here.
Mr. Evers, I wonder
if you can have a word with me?
What are you doin' in that getup?
Grab an apron and clean up that crap.
He knows what he can do
with that crap.
- Ain't you come to work?
- I guess not.
I come to collect my pay,
tell you all I'm headin' up East.
You're headin' up East?
Yeah, I thought I'd say
good-bye to you.
Just come to look around
a little bit.
Cups!
Well...
good-bye.
Good-bye.
What are you gonna do back East?
Lot of rich women back there...
beggin' for it. Payin' for it too.
- Yeah?
- Hell, yeah.
The men are mostly tutti-fruttis.
I'll bet it's a mess back there.
I'm gonna cash in on some of that.
I don't know nothin' about it.
What do I got to stay around here for?
I got places to go.
[ Woman Sighing ]
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, lower.
[ Sighing ]
That's real...
nice, honey.
# Everybody's talkin' at me #
# Can't hear a word they're sayin' #
# Only the echoes of my mind #
# I won't let you leave
my love behind #
Sure is a powerful mother, ain't it?
Yeah, sure is a powerful mother.
# Backin' off of the northeast winds #
# Sailin' on summer breeze #
# Skippin' over the ocean
like a stone #
[ Gunfire On Radio ]
[ Announcer ]
This is the shooting season.
It's time to go
to Lloyd's Discount Store...
for all of your gun supplies.
Listen to these values.
Remington shotgun for only...
[ Woman's Voice ]
You look real nice, lover boy.
Make your old grandma proud.
You're gonna be the best-lookin'
cowboy in the whole parade.
You'll be the best-lookin' one there.
Bye, honey.
I'll leave a TV dinner in the fridge.
Your old grandma got herself a new beau.
Bye now.
[ Woman ]
Excuse me, mister.
Do you have
another piece of gum for her?
Oh, yes, ma'am, I do. Here.
Take one for yourself too.
Thank you, no.
It's just 'til the Dramamine works.
She gets carsick.
I only get carsick on boats.
But it seems to me that's more
the fish smell than the bouncin'.
- How far you headed?
- Shh.
- To Dallas.
- Up Dallas, are ya?
Where you goin'?
I'm headin' on up New York City, ma'am.
# I'm goin' where
the sun keeps shinin' #
# Through the pourin' rain #
# Goin' where the weather
suits my clothes #
# Backin' off of the northeast winds #
# Sailin' on summer breeze #
# Skippin' over the ocean
like a stone #
[ Young Woman's Voice ]
Do you love me, Joe?
Do you love me?
Do you love me?
You're the only one, Joe.
You're the only one.
You're better than the rest of them.
You're better than any of them.
You love me, Joe?
You're better than all of them.
You're the best.
Love me, Joe.
Joe! Joe?
Joe.
Do you love me, Joe?
Do you love me?
Love me.
You're the only one, Joe.
You're the only one.
You're the best, Joe.
You're the best.
[ Man On Radio ]
...broadcast of 'The Sunshine Hour.
Oh, yes, sweet Jesus,
I tell you, faith healer.
I got a letter here from a sister
enclosing ten dollars...
and two malignant tumors she coughed up
during last week's prayer meeting.
Praise Jesus!
Now, before we join
in prayer for this poor sister...
Jesus wants to know how many sent in
five dollars for their home worship kit.
You want a cigarette?
No, thanks.
Chew tobacco.
Sing along with Sister Rosella.
You throw in Sister Rosella,
you got a deal, right, old-timer?
You ever run into a cowhand
by the name of Woodsy Niles?
Woodsy Niles, sir?
Not to my knowledge.
Friend of my grandma, Sally Buck.
I want it on.
[ Woman Singing ]
# Hush, little baby #
# Don't say a word #
# Grandma's gonna buy you
a mockingbird #
# And if that mockingbird
don't sing #
# Grandma's gonna buy you
a golden ring #
# And if that golden ring turns brass #
# Grandma's gonna buy you
a lookin' glass #
# And if that lookin' glass
gets broke #
# Grandma's gonna buy you
a billy goat #
# Hush, little baby
Don't say a word #
# Grandma's gonna buy you
a mockingbird ##
[ Man Laughing ]
[ Child Giggling ]
## [ Singing 'The Caisson Song' ]
[ Radio ]
# 77 W-A-B-C #
This is Ron Lundy.
This is W-A-B-C.
That's New York talkin' there, ma'am.
- Hear that?
- [ Man ] What is your ideal in a man?
[ Woman ]
My ideal is Gary Cooper, but he's dead.
[ Lundy ] Thank you. Ma'am,
what is your ideal in a man?
A man who takes pride
in his appearance.
- Consideration.
- Definitely tall.
Someone I can talk to in bed.
- A good sense of humor.
- Not afraid of sex.
- A Texas oilman.
- Aggressiveness.
- Outdoor type.
- A rebel.
- Young.
- You.
Yee-hoo!
Excuse me, ma'am.
# One, two, three #
# Wherever we go
we will always know #
# That the caissons go rolling... ##
[ Car Horns Honking ]
Thank you.
Shit!
[ Man ]
...grand time talking to Mrs. Drevin...
who's going to give us
her remedy for insomnia.
[ Mrs. Drevin ] Gosh, I sure will.
It's pretty unusual, but anyway...
I move furniture around.
Everything but the sofa,
you know?
And that's my remedy
for insomnia.
My remedy is you just dial
the hotel here.
Ask for Joe Buck.
- [ Woman ] I iron my husband's shirts.
- Joe Buck.
[ Female Announcer ] On the American
Exchange, brought to you by Morgan Vandercook.
Up your income with sound...
Up your income, lady.
Azimir Oil:
Commonwealth United:
Mohawk Data Science
is 64 and 5/8ths, down 1 and 1/8th.
[ Stock Market Report Continues ]
# Everybody's talkin' at me #
# I don't hear a word they're sayin' #
# Only the echoes of my mind #
# People stoppin', starin' #
# I can't see their faces #
# Only the shadows of their eyes #
# I'm goin' where
the sun keeps shinin' #
# Through the pourin' rain #
# Goin' where the weather #
# Suits my clothes #
# Backin' off of the northeast winds #
# Sailin' on summer breeze #
# Skippin' over the ocean
like a stone #
# Everybody's talkin' at me #
# Can't hear a word they're sayin' #
# Only the echoes of my mind #
# Oh, I won't let you leave
my love behind #
# No, I won't let you leave ##
Beg your pardon, ma'am.
I'm new here in town.
Just in from Texas.
I'm lookin' for
the Statue of Liberty.
Ma'am?
Were you serious?
About the Statue of Liberty?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
I mean business.
I'm sorry. I...
Well, the Statue of Liberty.
I think you take
the Seventh Avenue subway.
- No, wait a minute now.
- You sure are a pretty lady.
You're not looking for
the Statue of Liberty at all.
No, ma'am, I ain't.
Why, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
[ Car Horn Beeps ]
Come on, Baby.
Do it for mama.
Come on, Baby.
Mama's tired.
- [ Dog Barks ]
- Baby, come on.
Do it for mama.
Hey, you little old dog.
How you doin' there, scutter?
They got you all gussied up
for some damn thing, ain't they?
Pardon me, ma'am.
I'm brand-spankin'-new in town...
and I was hopin' to get a look
at the Statue of Liberty.
Hopin' to get a look at what?
Statue of Liberty.
It's up in Central Park
taking a leak.
If you'll hurry up,
you'll catch the supper show.
He's picking something up for me.
[ Woman ]
Hi. I just got your message.
How do you feel?
Oh, I had such a head.
I loved your friend Mr. Needleman...
the last of the great King Midases.
Go, go, go.
My God, it was exhausting.
It was beautiful...
Oh, God! Stop!
- I die from that!
- [ Man On Phone ] Who's there?
- Who you talkin' to?
- I was just talkin' to Baby.
I was talking to the dog, Morey.
Please, you're annoying me.
Don't start up again.
Why don't you say hello to Baby?
Baby wants to say hello to you.
I don't wanna say hello
to the dog.
Cass!
Daddy wants to
say hello to you, Baby.
Hello, Baby.
Hello, you goddamn dog!
Bow-wow-wow, Baby.
Am I gonna see you tonight?
- Where do you wanna eat?
- Wherever you say.
- Just you and me.
- Hey, that's great.
Catch an early supper
at Lindy's.
- What time?
- Like 5:30.
We don't have to rush.
- My wife's away.
- [ Zipper Unzipping ]
Beautiful, baby.
I can stay all night, Cass.
- [ Barking, Whining ]
- How 'bout a little kiss?
You got it.
A big wet one 'til I see ya.
Hey!
[ Morey Chuckles ]
Save some of that for tonight.
[ Morey Laughs ]
Love you.
Love you.
- [ Barking ]
- [ Cass, Joe Laughing ]
[ Game Show Host Speaking,
Indistinct ]
In our isolation booths...
- Is it because I'm a stable hand?
- One, two. One, two.
- And rest.
- Oh, wow!
Do you think God is dead?
Suppose we just don't
talk about it anymore.
- [ Whistling ]
- One...
What if I want
to take my mother along?
- Oh, my God!
- It even makes black whiter.
- Bring your knees up.
- Come on out.
- Ho, ho, ho...
- [ Screaming ]
[ Cass Moaning ]
[ Joe ]
Yee-ha!
Hey, Cass.
You know what you got here?
You got yourself
a damn penthouse.
Real damn penthouse, Cass.
[ Cass ]
Don't look, baby.
Knock off a couple of pounds
and I'd really be a gorgeous chick.
Don't touch. I'm late already.
What time is it?
Oh, my God!
Straighten out the bed for me, Tex.
Say, Cass.
I sure have enjoyed bein' here.
It's as fine a time
as I've ever had in my life.
Me too, lover.
That's good 'cause...
the way you make me feel
at home here...
I almost hate
to bring up business.
Yeah, it's murder, isn't it?
What line are you in, sweetie?
Zip me up, will ya, Tex?
[ Sighs ] Morey's always
complaining about his ulcers.
I don't know what line Morey's in...
but myself, now,
I'm kind of a hustler.
A person's gotta make a living.
Pardon me, ma'am.
I said, 'A person's
gotta make a living.
Are you sure you heard what I said?
Sorry, Tex.
My mind isn't all here.
I don't wanna be late
for my date with Morey.
Listen, sweetie.
Why don't you run along...
and take the number, and we'll get
in touch with each other real soon.
I forgot to get to the bank,
and now it's too late.
I have to take a taxi.
I need a few bucks.
Hate to ask you,
but you're such a doll.
You know, Cass, that's a funny thing,
you mentioning money...
'cause I was just about
to ask you for some.
You were gonna ask me for money?
Hell, why do you think I come
all the way up here from Texas for?
You were gonna ask me for money.
Who the hell do you think
you're dealing with?
Some old slut on 42nd Street?
In case you didn't happen
to notice it...
you big Texas longhorn bull...
I'm one hell of a gorgeous chick!
Take it easy.
I'm 28 years old.
You think you can come up here
and pull this kind of crap?
- You're out of your mind!
- Come on.
I could kill you with my bare hands!
Will you get outta here?
[ Sobbing ]
Will you get outta here?
Oh, Cass, honey.
Cass, come on now.
Cass, you think I meant that?
Would I be after you for money with
a wad like I've got ridin' on my hip?
Stop your cryin'.
You are one gorgeous chick.
Guy gets horny just lookin' at you.
How much you want for that taxi?
How much you want now? Five?
You want ten?
Twenty?
There you go, girl.
Terrific shirt.
Are you speakin' to me?
I was admirin' that colossal shirt.
That is one hell of a shirt.
I'll bet you paid
a pretty price for it.
I ain't cheap.
Yeah. Birds.
It's an all right shirt.
I like birds.
I don't like to have
cheap stuff on my back.
- Sure.
- Hi, cowboy.
Got a cigarette?
Hey, sweetheart.
More goddamn faggots in this town.
- Oh, kiss it, Ratso!
- Up yours.
You gotta watch out for that.
You know the ropes.
I wish I'd bumped into you before.
I'm Joe Buck from Texas.
Enrico Rizzo, from the Bronx.
I'm gonna buy you a drink.
Don't mind if I do.
Bartender, drinks all around...
and one for my friend here too.
I know when I
give her satisfaction.
You see what I'm getting at?
She got a penthouse up there...
with a color TV and more goddamn
diamonds than an archbishop.
And she busts out bawlin'
when I asked for money.
For what?
For money.
Money for what?
Hell, I'm a hustler.
You didn't know that?
How should I know that?
You gotta tell a person things.
- I'm a hustler.
- Shh.
All right.
You're a hustler.
But your pickin' up trade
on the street like that...
That's nowhere.
You gotta get yourself
some kind of management.
You put your finger on it.
You know what you need?
You need my friend O'Daniel.
He operates the biggest stable
in town.
In fact, in the whole
goddamn metropolitan area.
It's stupid, a stud like you paying.
You don't wanna be stupid.
I mean, I understand.
A dame starts cryin',
I'd cut my heart out for her.
I'd call that
a very minor operation.
In fact, you just sit comfy...
and I'll cut it out
with my fingernail file, Ratso.
The name's Rizzo.
That's what I said. Ratso.
[ Joe ]
You heard him.
That's all right.
I mean, I'm used to these types...
that get their kicks
pickin' on cripples.
- The sewer's full of them.
- I wanna ask you one question, cowboy.
If you're sittin' here,
and he's sittin' over there...
how's he gonna get his hand
into your pocket?
- Let me work...
- I guess he's got that figured out.
Good night, sweets.
- Faggot.
- Provolone.
With these gals that wanna buy it...
most of them
are old and dignified.
Social register types,
you know what I mean?
They can't be trottin' down to Times
Square to pick out the merchandise.
They gotta have
some kind of middleman.
That's where O'Daniel comes in.
- [ Tires Screech, Horn Honks ]
- Hey, I'm walkin' here!
Up yours, you son of a bitch!
Don't talk to me that way!
- Get outta here!
- [ Horn Honking ]
Don't worry about that. Actually, that
ain't a bad way to pick up insurance.
[ Ratso ] It's crazy, a stud like you
payin' that dame that you told me about.
With proper management...
you could be takin' home $50,
maybe $100 a day, easy.
Hey, Brucey.
Hang in there, baby.
What's that?
Him I placed with O'Daniel
about two weeks ago.
He ain't much of a stud either,
from what I hear.
All right.
- Hey, horse.
- [ Ratso Coughs ]
How about you take me to meet
this Mr. O'Daniel right now?
You're a nice guy, and actually
I'd be doin' both of you a favor...
but for what?
What am I draggin' my bum leg
around town for?
Tomorrow, some piece like that might be
scratching your back at the Plaza...
and where am I gonna be?
Hold on. You think I'm
that kind of a son of a bitch?
Just name your cut.
Whatever you want, you got it now.
It's all right.
What you want? Five? Ten?
Are you kidding me?
You know what I'd ask somebody else?
- There's ten right there.
- All right. Forget it.
I'll take the ten.
But when I take you over
to see Mr. O'Daniel...
I'm gonna have to have another ten
just to cover expenses, all right?
Come on. I'll buy you coffee.
On me. [ Coughing ]
Get outta here.
Bunch of creeps. Go to work.
He needs you tonight.
I got his tongue hangin' out.
His name is Joe Buck.
He's a cowboy.
Just came in from Texas.
He's new to the city.
He don't know the ropes...
but he's promising material,
if you know what I mean.
[ Ratso ]
Fabulous. Right away.
What's your room number
there again, sir?
Right. Okay.
Hold it a second.
Let's see how you look.
Fine.
You look fine.
Think I could have that other ten now?
Where can I reach you?
I'll make this thing right with you
once I get set up.
- Forget it.
- Where do you live?
The Chevy-Netherlands Hotel.
Chevy-Netherlands Hotel.
Get your ass in there now.
He's waitin'. Go ahead.
Come on. Are you on vacation?
You must be Joe Buck.
Yes, sir, I am.
Come in. Let's look at you.
Turn around.
Turn around.
Good strong back.
You're gonna need it.
So you want help?
Sit down. Relax.
Cowboy, eh?
Well, sir,
I ain't a for-real cowboy...
but I am one hell of a stud!
Take it easy, boy.
Seems to me you're different
from most of the boys that come to me.
Most of those boys
are troubled and confused.
I'd say you know
exactly what you want.
- You bet I do, sir.
- Yeah.
But I'll bet you got one thing in common
with those other boys.
I'll bet you're lonesome.
Well, not too.
A little.
Yeah!
Lonesome!
'I'm lonesome, so I'm a drunk.
- I'm lonesome, so I'm a dope fiend.
- [ Woman ] Shut up!
'I'm lonesome, so I'm a thief.
'I'm lonesome, so I'm a fornicator,
a whoremonger!'
- [ Woman ] You phony!
- Poop, I say, poop!
I've heard it all,
and I'm sick to death of it!
I can see that.
Lonesomeness.
Lonesomeness is something
you take, you hear?
Damn it, you take it
and you go on with your work.
I'm rarin' to go, sir.
Yes, I believe you are.
Cowboy, eh?
- Yes, sir.
- Yeah.
- Ready for hard work?
- I'm ready for anything.
I reckon it's gonna be
easier for you than for most others.
It's gonna be like money from home.
Money from home!
There's your strength, son, see?
You've got the way of putting things
earthy so anybody can understand them.
I warn you, Joe Buck.
I'm gonna use you.
I'm gonna run you ragged!
[ Whooping ]
You're wonderful, boy.
We're gonna have fun together.
It don't have to be joyless.
Hell, no.
Why don't you and me...
get down on our knees right now?
How's that strike you?
- Where?
- Right here!
Right now!
Why not?
I've prayed on the streets.
I've prayed in the saloons.
I've prayed on the toilets.
It don't matter where,
so long as He gets that prayer!
See Him!
That's the ticket.
Just open your heart...
[ O'Daniel Ranting ]
Don't be frightened, son!
I baptize thee, my brother,
in the name of the Father...
[ O'Daniel ]
You shall be heard!
the Son and the Holy Spirit.
[ O'Daniel ]
Don't run from Jesus!
[ Screaming ]
Hey, you know that runty
little bastard I was with?
I don't know nothing.
[ Laughing ]
Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
[ Man Laughing ]
What's that monstrosity down there?
[ Man #2 ]
That's a toupee for dogs.
This is Fifi's wig.
That's for that dog?
[ Talk Show Host Laughs ]
I don't believe this dog.
There's something going on here.
Now, really, seriously...
isn't this really a case of conning
a lot of lonely people?
[ Woman ]
Yes. Who else would do it?
A woman with children
wouldn't have time.
When they have no children,
a woman who is alone...
[ Sally's Voice ] There's a TV dinner
in the fridge. Expect me when you see me.
I'll leave you movie money.
[ Host ]
I think that's sick.
Dressing up a dog
to look like a child?
[ Man #2 ]
In case she meets another...
[ Host ]
That's terrible!
She looks terrible.
[ Audience Laughing ]
If I can find the hole...
[ Coin Dropping ]
[ Male Radio Announcer ]
Gold and silver and candlelight.
Wine and skyrockets...
and butterfly thoughts
that glitter in your mind.
[ Female Announcer ]
You're special.
Give yourself special treatment.
[ Male Announcer ]
Need money?
We love to lend it to you.
[ Female Announcer ]
Why worry about your future?
What do you want
more than anything in the world?
[ Male Announcer ]
Take it easy, but take it.
[ Joe ]
Key to room 514, please, sir.
Looks like you've been
locked out of your room, buddy...
'til you pick up the tab.
What about all my things?
We keep them nice and safe,
'til you get this thing settled.
You can keep all the rest
of the goddamn junk...
if you just let me have
the suitcase.
It means a lot to me.
We keep everything.
House rules.
You gonna eat them crackers?
I spilled some on my pants.
Can you tell me how
I get to Grand Central?
Surely.
You follow the green lights.
Officer.
How do I get to Grand Central?
You know what you gotta do,
cowboy?
Spacecraft to Earth Control.
Check trajectory.
We have a malfunction
of our instruments.
Captain Grace is investigating.
Orbital module has failed to separate
from upper stage booster as planned.
Earth Control to spacecraft.
You have 30 seconds before you are
ejected into lunar trajectory.
Only 30 seconds.
Do you read me?
Spacecraft to Earth Control.
I read you.
Chuck! I've lost you!
Spacecraft to Earth Control.
We've lost contact
with Captain Grace.
- Can you track him?
- [ Annie's Voice ] Kiss me, Joe.
Earth Control to spacecraft.
He's in free fall.
You're the only one, Joe.
[ Young Man ] Kissin' Crazy Annie. You
better drink a whole damn drugstore.
Kiss me, Joe.
[ Annie Sighs ]
Oh! You're the only one!
[ Rocket Engine Roaring ]
I'm awful sorry you're sick...
but you have to
give me that money.
I was lying.
I don't have it.
What are you gonna do to me?
- You ain't got no $25 on you?
- No.
- What are you gonna do to me?
- What do you think?
What do you want me to do to you?
- You wanna get beat on?
- No.
- How much you got in your pockets?
- Nothing.
Empty your pockets out
right over there.
- Take my books.
- I don't want your damn books!
How much is that worth?
Don't take my watch. Please.
Don't take it.
It's only a cheap watch.
It's not worth anything.
I can't go home without it.
My mother would die.
Don't take it.
I can't go home.
She'd die.
She would die. Please.
I don't want your damn watch.
## [ Marching Band Music ]
[ Announcer ] Preparing for this
brief moment of glory at halftime.
A basic training as rigorous
as the star football players themselves.
Long hours
of precision choreography...
that would put the Rockettes
to shame.
Musical arrangements, rehearsals,
costume fittings.
A production
in Hollywood's finest tradition.
[ Horn Honking, Tires Screeching ]
[ Radio Announcer ] You can spot the
invaders easily if they're by themselves.
They're dark, heavy
and have noticeable accents.
Every day they're working themselves
into more homes.
What can you do
about these invaders?
Enjoy them. November,
'Better Homes and Gardens'...
tells you about the invasion
of the stylish furniture from Spain.
Don't hit me. I'm a cripple!
I ain't gonna hit you.
I'm gonna strangle you to death!
- Wait.
- First, I'm gonna shake you out.
Where's my money?
Put it right there.
All right. Here.
That's all I got.
That's all you got?
- What you got in your socks?
- Nothin'. I swear to God.
I swear on my mother's eyes.
Here, 64 cents. Go ahead.
I want you to have it.
It's sticky.
Did you slobber on it?
Here. Have a cigarette.
Come on.
Come on.
[ Ratso Strikes A Match ]
Sit down.
How do you like that O'Daniel,
flippin' out like that?
I tried to get in touch with you
when I heard...
but I was laid up with this cold.
You want some free medical advice?
You just keep your damn mouth
shut about that night.
Right. Fine. Okay.
Fine. Okay.
Another subject.
Where you livin' at?
You still at the hotel?
Why am I talkin' to you, damn it?
Hey, come on!
- Wait up!
- Keep away from me!
Come near me again,
I'll snatch you bald-headed.
I'm invitin' you.
If you're not located, I got a place.
- I'm invitin' you, goddammit!
- You're invitin'! Shit!
[ Ratso ] The 'X' on the windows means
the landlord can't collect rent...
which is a convenience
on account of it's condemned.
Front door. I don't care.
Actually, I prefer it that way.
Keeps the punks
and the creeps outta here.
Got my own private entrance.
You're the only one
who knows about it.
Watch the plank.
Break your goddamn skull.
No way to collect insurance.
There's glass there.
I've been meaning
to take that fridge up.
Get it, will you?
- Need any help?
- Not from you.
You okay?
It's not far.
[ Radio Clicks On ]
It's just one more up.
All the electric's off.
I don't mess with Con Edison.
Just another convenience.
The icebox will keep the roaches
from gettin' in the perishables.
[ Panting ]
Where did you steal this thing?
It's been sittin' down there
for weeks.
I don't mean now.
I mean before then.
Don't get a hernia.
Go ahead.
Just drop it anywhere.
[ Scanning Radio Dial ]
It's not bad, huh?
[ Toilet Flushing ]
There's no heat,
but by the time winter comes...
I'll be in Florida.
You wanna stretch out here?
Make yourself comfortable?
Go ahead.
Why don't you take a nap?
Would you like a cup of coffee?
[ Annie ]
Do you love me, Joe?
You're the only one, Joe.
You're the only one.
[ Sally ]
I said stop that!
[ Siren Wailing ]
He's the one.
He's the only one.
[ Annie ]
He's the one.
He's the only one.
[ Siren Wailing ]
[ Scanning Radio Dial ]
[ Panting ]
[ Radio Newscaster ] ...says there
have been 429 American casualties.
This as opposed to 643 South Vietnamese
soldiers on the death list.
Wait a minute.
What's the mat...
What's the matter?
Where's my damn boots?
Over there.
[ Ratso Coughs ]
How'd they get off me?
I took 'em off.
What for?
So you could sleep.
I mean, Christ.
I should haul my ass outta here.
What's wrong now?
You want me to stay here.
What are you after?
You don't look like no fag.
What's that supposed to mean?
Don't you want me to stay here tonight?
I'm not forcin' you.
Who's forcin' you?
Oh, I'm sorry. I truly am.
I must've got
the wrong impression then.
Okay. Okay, boy.
I want you to stay, all right?
I goddamn invited you, didn't I?
I hope you know what you're in for.
I'm a truly dangerous person, I am.
If someone does me bad like you...
If I'd have found you that night,
there would have been one dead Ratso.
You understand me?
You hear?
I'm impressed. You're a killer.
[ Sighing ]
If I'm gonna stay here a couple days,
I just thought you should know.
'Property of the YMCA.
Sometimes you make me
wanna puke, Ratso.
[ Coughing ]
Joe, do me one favor, huh?
This is my place.
Am I wrong?
No, you ain't wrong.
In my own place...
my name ain't Ratso.
It just so happens
that in my own place...
my name
is Enrico Salvatore Rizzo.
I can't say all that.
Rico, then.
At least call me Rico
in my own goddamn place.
Okay, Rico.
Rico. Rico.
That enough for you?
That's fine. Give me a pillow.
Give me one of those pillows.
[ Coughing ]
Keep your meat hooks off my radio.
[ Coughing ]
Rico. Rico.
[ Coughing ]
Are you here again?
Didn't I tell you once before
to keep away from here?
Every time you take stuff from me!
Get out of here!
- That ain't nice, pickin' on a cripple!
- Cripple or not, I don't care!
Who the hell do you think you are?
[ Speaking Italian ]
The two basic items
necessary to sustain life...
are sunshine and coconut milk.
Did you know that?
That's a fact.
In Florida, you got a terrific
amount of coconut trees there.
I think they even got 'em
in the gas stations over there.
And ladies.
You know that in Miami you got...
Are you listenin' to me?
You got more ladies in Miami...
than in any resort area
in the country there.
I think per capita, on a given day,
there's probably...
three hundred of 'em
on the beach.
In fact, you can't even
scratch yourself...
without getting a belly button
up the old kazoo there.
It's hot. Let's go.
Come on!
Hey.
Smells worse hot
than it did cold.
All right, startin' tomorrow
you cook your own goddamn dinner...
or you get one of your rich
Park Avenue ladies to cook for you.
- I'm eatin' it, see?
- In her penthouse.
Look, I'm eatin' this shit, Ratso.
Mmm, good! Mmm!
- It's good.
- I gotta get outta here.
I gotta get outta here.
Miami Beach,
that's where you could score.
Anybody can score there,
even you.
In New York, no rich lady with any class
at all buys that cowboy crap anymore.
They're laughin' at you
on the street.
- Ain't nobody laughin' at me.
- I seen 'em laughin' at you, fella.
What the hell do you know about women?
When's the last time you scored, boy?
I only talk about that at confession.
-We're not talkin' about me now.
-Well, when'd you last go to confession?
That's between me and my confessor.
And I'll tell you another thing.
Frankly,
you're beginning to smell.
And for a stud in New York,
that's a handicap.
Don't talk to me about clean.
I ain't seen you change your underwear
the whole time I've been in New York.
- That's peculiar behavior.
- I don't have to do that in public.
- I ain't got no need to expose myself.
- No, I'll bet you don't!
I bet you ain't never even been laid!
How about that?
And you're gonna tell me
what appeals to women.
I know enough to know that that
great big dumb cowboy crap of yours...
don't appeal to nobody
except every Jacky on 42nd Street!
That's faggot stuff!
If you wanna call it by its name,
that's strictly for fags!
John Wayne! Are you gonna
tell me he's a fag?
I like the way I look.
It makes me feel good. It does.
And women like me, goddammit!
Hell, the only one thing
I ever been good for is lovin'.
Women go crazy for me.
That's a really true fact.
Crazy Annie,
they had to send her away.
Then how come you ain't scored once
the whole time you've been in New York?
'Cause I need management, goddammit!
'Cause you stole $20 off of me!
That's why you're gonna stop
crappin' around about Florida...
and get your skinny butt movin',
earn $20 worth of management...
which you owe me!
[ Women Speaking Italian ]
[ Italian Continues ]
[ Italian Continues ]
Signora, a woman in your condition
shouldn't have to do all this.
[ Conversing In Italian ]
Boy, you have
a lot of laundry here.
[ Italian Continues ]
[ Joe ] It just ain't right
cheatin' from a pregnant lady.
- What did it cost her?
- What do you mean?
Get outta here. The laundry syndicate
lost a couple of coins. I'm cryin'.
- That's it, sir.
- All right.
Sir, where's mine?
The black homburg.
- I brought it in at the same time.
- Well, I tell you, I don't know.
You no have a hat here, mister.
You gotta bring me the ticket...
What about that black homburg
right up there? Up in there.
Is that it right there?
A ticket? Here's my ticket.
It's right there on the corner.
- You wanna get it, right over there?
- I'll look 'em over.
Keep goin'. Up to the top.
Right in the corner there.
The top one.
[ Cleaner ] No, it not belong to
yours. It belong somebody else.
Hey!
## [ Music From Radio ]
Hey, you're pretty damn good at that.
I bet you could make a livin' at it.
And end up a hunchback
like my old man?
If you think I'm crippled, you should've
caught him at the end of the day.
My old man spent 14 hours a day
down in that subway.
He'd come home, two, three dollars'
worth of change...
stained with shoe polish.
Stupid bastard coughed his lungs out
from breathin' in that wax all day.
Even the faggot undertaker
couldn't get his nails clean.
They had to bury him
with gloves on.
Okay, go ahead.
Come on. Take a look.
Don't rush me, boy.
Gotta take your time here.
Get myself primed up,
like I was turnin' on the charm...
for some pretty little
blonde lady, you know?
Then when I'm feelin'
cool and good...
I spin around!
And there you are,
you handsome devil you.
Not bad.
Not bad.
For a cowboy.
You're okay.
You're okay.
The lady will
meet you in the lobby.
Taxi!
Yes, sir. Oh, I think you got
somethin' on your shoulder there.
There, you got it.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Say, you haven't got
a quarter, have you?
Just a quarter?
- How do you like that cheap bastard?
- Let's see what the hell you got here.
I think we struck gold.
This is one high-class chick.
'Barclay Hotel For Women.
Women.
Is this the
Gentleman's Escort Service?
I'm calling for Miss Beecham...
at the Barclay Hotel.
Right. She changed her mind.
She won't need nobody tonight.
That's right.
Thank you very much. Bye.
Would you believe a whole goddamn hotel
with nothin' but lonely ladies?
Score once
in a setup like that...
and the way they talk,
I could open up an office in there.
Come on.
Go ahead.
Get the money.
Listen, get the cash.
Remember that lady in the penthouse.
Get the cash.
Those rich ladies write out a check,
and then call the bank and stop payment.
- Go ahead. Watch the car!
- [ Honking ]
Go on.
Rico!
Hey, Rico!
Rico, up here!
Up here!
Rico!
A-6.
G-49.
G-49.
I-24.
I-24.
- And the next one is...
- Oh!
O-62, ladies and gentlemen.
O-62!
Are there any bingos?
- And the next one is B-13.
- How dare you, in this public place!
[ Joe ] Wait a second, lady!
Goddammit, you keep your hands off me!
[ Arguing ]
[ Siren Wailing ]
[ Wind Howling ]
[ Coughing ]
[ Rumbling ]
[ Radio Announcer ] The temperature right now is
It's cloudy now, and we can expect
a few snow flurries later on.
## [ Music Playing ]
# Orange juice on ice is nice #
# Orange juice on the ice #
- # Orange juice on ice is nice #
- [ Coughing ]
# It's refreshingly cooler naturally #
# Break away from old habits #
# Take a word of advice #
# Serve real Florida orange juice #
# Orange juice on ice #
# Break away from old habits #
# Take a word of advice #
# Serve real Florida orange juice #
# Orange juice on ice ##
[ Radio Clicks Off ]
I'll give you $5 for it.
Yeah.
[ Coughing ]
[ Coughing ]
# I got a telephone call from Jesus #
# I got him on the line #
# I'm gonna call him up
Ring him up #
# Then the sun will shine #
[ Coughing ]
# I got a telephone call from Jesus #
- # I got him on the line ##
- [ Coughing ]
[ Man ]
Oh, for Christ's sake!
[ Coughing ]
[ Coughing ]
[ Coughing ]
Hey, Ratso.
- [ Coughing ]
- Hey, get your ass out here.
I wanna show you something.
There you go, boy.
There's money for you.
That's $9 right there,
plus assorted change.
Minus 26 for milk.
Plus 5 for Dentyne... gum.
[ Coughing ]
Oh, that's smart.
Light a cigarette.
- [ Coughing ]
- Why not take that and buy a carton?
Do the job right.
Where'd you get it?
I got it.
Where you been? 42nd Street?
That's where you been.
Movies,
that's where you've been.
- I ain't been nowhere.
- Yeah, movies.
That's where you got
that thing on your back.
What, this?
'What, this?'
A friend I did a favor for
give it to me.
- A friend?
- Yeah.
You'd just let some poor bastard
freeze to death, wouldn't you?
You stole the damn thing, didn't you?
I stole it for you! The goddamn thing's
ten sizes too big for me.
Wear it yourself!
I wouldn't have it on my back.
I'll be goddamned
if I'll wear it.
Here.
[ Coughing ]
Buy yourself some medicine
before you die on my damn hands.
[ Coughing ]
- I hate boneyards.
- So split.
He ain't your goddamn father!
He was even dumber than you.
He couldn't even
write his own name.
'X,' that's what it oughta say
on that goddamn headstone.
One big, lousy 'X'!
Just like our dump:
condemned by order of city hall.
My grandma, Sally Buck...
she died without lettin' me know.
Oh, Hitler's storm troopers!
Just because I happened
to get out of a car!
It all depends on
what you believe in.
Like sometimes your spirit goes up,
sometimes it goes...
It goes other places.
How long did I hold up traffic
just to get out? I ask you.
Give some people a little power, and
they gotta supersede their authority.
This whole kind of thing is
spiritual... spiritual matters.
Oh, now you're talkin' priest talk.
You're talkin' priest talk now.
I ain't talkin' priest talk, I'm
talkin' about what people believe in.
Some people believe you can
come back in another body.
Well, I hope I don't
come back in your body.
I ain't asking you to come back in my
body, but you can come back as anything.
You could come back as a...
a dog or a president.
If I had my choice,
I'd come back as a president.
I ain't that dumb.
What do you think?
Maybe you gotta think about
those things for a while.
I'm usually not like this. I'm usually
a very calm and collected person.
Really, forgive me.
I'm awfully sorry.
I think I'm gonna
write a letter to the mayor.
I don't believe in any of that crap.
You're entitled to think what you want.
- Maybe I do think what I want.
- Him.
Maybe I do believe all that
damn stuff, and I... and I...
- Do some thinkin' about it, that's all.
- Here.
What was that all about?
Hey, lookie here.
I've been chosen for some damn thing.
Hey.
- It's a come-on.
- You know what this is?
- This is a come-on to a party.
- It's a couple of wackos advertising.
Where does it say to go?
Klein's Bargain Basement?
You go and get a ten-year subscription
to the Encyclopedia Britannica.
It says 'Broadway and Harmony Lane,
Hansel and Gretel McAlbertson.
- That's perfectly clear, ain't it?
- Get outta here.
What do a couple of fruity wackos want
with characters like you and me?
It don't say nothin' about you.
It don't say nothin' about you.
It don't say nothin'
about you, either.
They took my picture, didn't they?
So, you want me to get lost
so you can go to your fancy-ass party?
I didn't say nothin' about that.
Did I say that?
Did I?
I'll just tell 'em...
'You want me, I don't go nowhere
without my buddy here.
I ain't dressed for a party.
[ Coughing ]
- There you go. Right here.
- [ Barking ]
[ Barking ]
Hey, dog.
[ Barking ]
[ Coughing ]
## [ Music Playing ]
[ Groans ]
Hey, you all right?
You okay?
Hell, damn, you're sweating
all over the damn place.
Come here.
You got a comb on ya?
- I don't need a comb.
- Here.
Few dozen cooties ain't gonna
kill me, I don't guess.
[ Music Continues ]
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- I look okay?
- Yeah.
Okay, come on.
Come on.
They're takin' my picture.
## [ Music Continues ]
[ Beep ]
Now just one more
close-up with her.
I love everything
in the theater.
I would like to die
on the stage.
And my hair is fur, you know...
its tendrils reaching
out into space sometimes.
I've watched it touch many stars.
Wackos. They're all wackos.
I think we better find somebody
and tell 'em that I'm here.
Hey!
Uh, well, I made it.
This is my friend,
Ratso Rizzo, nd I.
- Rico. Rico Rizzo.
- Hello.
If you need anything, there's beer
and stuff behind me. Anything you want.
Oh, Jesus.
If you want the word on that
brother-and-sister act...
Hansel's a fag and Gretel's got the hots
for herself, so who cares, right?
Load up on the salami.
- [ Beep ]
- It's like what?
It's like heroin.
Death is like heroin.
- Have you tried heroin?
- Yeah, I've tried heroin.
It's like nothing. It's like death.
It's just nothing.
- Why are you here?
- I don't know.
Who brought you?
I don't know.
Thank you, ma'am.
Hey, whoa!
Hey, sonny, what you doin' there?
She gave it to me, boy.
Give me the goddamn thing.
[ People Laughing ]
Hey, what do you want?
Up or down?
Up or down?
Here, why don't you take an upper.
[ Woman Laughing ]
[ Music Continues ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Chimes Jingling ]
Why are you stealing food?
I was just noticin'
that you're outta salami.
I think you oughta have somebody go over
to the delicatessen and bring some more.
Well, you know, it's free.
You don't have to steal it.
If it's free,
then I ain't stealin'.
- How did you get crippled?
- I slipped on a banana peel.
- I gotta sit down. I feel crummy.
- What's the matter?
- Take your hands off of me!
- Why don't you use my shower?
Take a walk! Just take your hands
off of me! Don't touch me!
- Just take a walk!
- Take a shave!
- I'm going to lick the sweat off.
- Keep your hands off of me!
Well, you look hot!
- Guess who I am.
- Who?
It's me!
How you doin'?
You're gettin' your picture took, huh?
[ Chimes Jingling ]
Hi.
[ Making Sizzling Sounds ]
[ Sighing ]
[ Muttering, Growling ]
Hey.
Let's, uh...
leave now.
Your place...
or mine?
- She's hooked.
- Like why a cowboy?
I'd say she was good for 10 bucks,
but I'll ask for 20.
Why a cowboy whore?
Did you know
we were gonna make it?
So, you really
wanna do business?
Who is he?
- [ Joe Laughing ]
- Don't tell me you two are a couple.
- [ Laughing ]
- Hey.
Why are you laughing, Joe?
- Are you really a cowboy?
- I'll tell you the truth now.
I ain't a for-real cowboy,
but I am one hell of a stud.
A very expensive stud,
and I happen to be his manager.
- How much is this gonna cost me?
- Twenty bucks.
- Okay.
- And taxi fare for me.
Oh, get lost, will ya?
I agree, but for that service
I charge one buck taxi fare.
- Okay?
- Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
Oh, boy.
Here.
- Go ahead.
- Give me a break.
I don't even know what your name is.
I wanna know your name. What is it?
- My name's Joe!
- Joe!
Fabulous!
Joe could be anyone.
I like that.
Move over, Joe. Come here, Joe.
Kiss me, Joe.
That's a very good idea.
Why don't you kiss me, Joe?
Oh, my... Wow!
Too much.
He fell.
Hey, fella, you fell.
Is he all right?
Yeah, he's fine.
Well, if you're all right,
why you hangin' on the banister?
- Can't you walk or not?
- Naturally, I can walk.
He's got taxi fare.
- Come on.
- Are you sure you're all right?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ Engine Starts ]
Hey, Ratso!
Whoopee-tee-yi-yo, boy!
Whoo-hah!
Well, it happens.
- Don't worry about it.
- It ain't never happened to me before.
You can bet your
bottom dollar on that.
Where's the matches, ma'am?
Over there behind that thing.
Maybe if you didn't
call me 'ma'am'...
things might work out better.
That's the first goddamn time
the thing ever quit on me.
That's a fact.
You think I'm lyin' to you?
No. No, I don't
think you're lying.
I just had this funny image.
I had this image of a...
policeman without his stick...
and a bugler without his horn...
etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Oh.
Well, I think
I'm making it worse.
Maybe we oughta
take a little nap...
and see what happens.
- I ain't sleepy.
- Oh.
I know. Scribbage.
Shit!
Look at this here. See?
There's an 'e' in 'money.
I mean, if that's your word.
M-O-N-Y.
That's just exactly how you spell it
on that big building up there.
M-O-N-Y, money.
'Y. What in the hell
starts with 'Y'?
Well, it can end in 'Y'...
like, uh, 'say,' 'pay'...
'lay.
Hey, pay...
lay.
Okay, cut it out now.
That's enough.
You're cheating...
teasin' me so I can't think.
'Gay' ends in 'Y.
Hmm?
- Do you like that?
- Cut that out.
Gay, fay.
Is that your problem, baby?
I'm gonna show you
my darn problem!
[ Laughing ]
Oh! Ow!
I'm not.
I'm not exaggerating.
Listen, Marjorie,
you should try it.
It might be terrific for you.
Oh, for God's sake.
Well, what night
is Phil's poker night?
Well, think.
Yeah, all right.
Joe, are you available
Thursday night?
What time?
Yeah, around 8:30?
Uh, well, let me think now.
Thursday, 8:30.
Uh, well, I guess
I can be available.
Hell, yes!
Hello? Marjorie, it's all set
for Thursday night at 8:30.
Yes, it's... No, I can't talk to you now,
so call me at the office later.
Yeah, okay. Bye-bye.
Ma'am, Shirley,
I sure hate to trouble you, but...
Sure.
- Twenty, wasn't it?
- Yes'm.
Bye.
[ Coughing ]
[ Coughing ]
Hey, boy, look right in there!
What do ya see?
Look in there, boy!
Some of that stuff's for you too!
Look. Try that on
for size for ya.
I got some of that stuff
you like to swill too.
Aspirin, Mentholatum,
all that crap.
- What's the matter? They wrong?
- They're okay.
Only why'd you buy 'em?
While you were gettin' the aspirin,
I could've lifted this.
- Is that hot?
- Yeah. You want some soup?
- Yeah.
- I'll get you some soup, then.
We ain't gonna have to steal no more,
is what I'm tryin' to tell ya.
I got eight bucks in my damn pockets.
Twenty more come Thursday, boy.
-We're gonna be ridin' easy before long.
-Give me some soup.
- Give me some soup.
- I'm gettin' ya some soup.
Look at that there.
That's good, healthy stuff for you.
Lookie there.
Lookie there. Soup.
- Thanks.
- It's hot. Watch out.
How was she?
She went crazy, if you want
to know the damn truth of it.
Yeah. She turned into
a damn alley cat.
- Thanks for the stuff.
- Don't mention it.
It's good.
Hey, listen, don't get sore
or anything, okay?
I ain't sore.
I don't think
I can walk anymore.
I mean, I've been
fallin' down a lot.
I'm scared.
What are you scared of?
You know what they do to you
when they know you can't...
When they find out
that you can't wa... walk.
Oh, Christ!
I gotta lay down.
- Okay, okay.
- I gotta lay down.
You're gonna lay down now.
Just take it easy.
I'm gonna lay you down.
I'm gonna lay you down.
There you go.
I'm gonna put this thing over ya.
Now you stay here.
Where you goin'?
- I gotta get a doctor.
- What?
- I gotta get a doctor.
- You ain't gettin' me no doctor.
You're sick, boy.
You need a damn doctor.
No doctors, no cops.
Don't be so stupid.
- What the hell you want me to do?
- You get me to Florida.
- Hell, I can't go to Florida now.
- Just put me on a bus.
Just put me on a bus.
I don't need you.
You got the damn fever.
How the hell you gonna get to Florida?
Just get me on a bus.
You ain't sendin' me to Bellevue.
All right. What are you
doin' that for? It's hot.
You're sick.
I'm keepin' it on you.
I'm too hot now.
Dumb.
Boy, you're really dumb.
I don't need you. You're dumb.
- Shut up! Just shut up!
- Dumb cowboy, boy.
Damn it! Shut up!
Just when things are goin' right for me,
you gotta pull a damn stunt like this.
Hi, Shirley.
How you doin', girl?
Miss who?
Well, when will
Mrs. Gardner be home?
This is a friend of hers.
This is a goddamn good friend of hers.
Well, hell,
I can't wait that long.
- [ Ding ]
- Too bad.
Well, we all have
our off days.
[ Making Shooting Sounds ]
I'm Townsend P. Locke, from Chicago.
Call me Towny.
I'm here on a paper manufacturer's
convention and, frankly...
to have a little fun, damn it.
It's my first night here, and I'd feel
privileged if you'd have dinner with me.
There's a little French restaurant
not too far from here.
Italian restaurant?
Does that appeal to you?
Don't worry about how you're dressed.
They know me.
Besides, I'll tell 'em
you're with the rodeo.
There's always a rodeo
in town, damn it.
Besides, you look very elegant.
Oh, but damn it all, we can't do that.
I'm expecting a phone call at the hotel.
Mama? A coincidence.
Guess who was being discussed?
Have you got
that thing turned up?
Well, why aren't you wearing it?
Oh, really, Mama,
this is just impossible.
I mean,
why go to all the expense?
Listen, Towny.
Did I tell you I got me
a sick kid on my hands?
Well, he's sick on chill, and I gotta
get him south quick as I can.
I got me a sick boy...
and I'm gonna get him south.
Do you understand me, Towny?
I'm gonna get him south.
What you want?
What you got me up here for?
Oh, Joe, it's...
It's so difficult.
You're a nice person, Joe.
I should never have asked you up here.
You're a lovely person, really.
Oh, God, I loathe life.
I loathe it.
Please go.
- Please.
- You want me to leave?
No.
I mean, yes, yes.
Please go.
Come back tomorrow.
- Promise?
- I'm goin' to Florida tomorrow.
That's terrible.
You meet someone, you think...
Yeah.
I want to give you a present...
for your trip.
Please take it.
I want you to have it.
You don't have to be a Catholic.
St. Christopher's the patron saint
of all travellers.
I want you to take it.
It's for helping me be good.
I gotta have money.
Yes, of course.
Wait here.
I said wait.
Here. Don't even thank me.
I gotta have more than 10.
I gotta have $57.
- I simply don't have it, Joe.
- I got family, goddammit!
- There's nothing in here.
- Get outta my way, please, sir.
Get outta my way!
Let go of that table,
please, sir.
- Please, sir?
- No, please!
No, don't, don't.
I deserved that.
I brought this on myself, I know I did.
My nose is bleeding, isn't it?
Now, you gonna let go
of that table?
Now, are you gonna let go of that table,
or you want a busted skull?
Oh, Joe, thank you.
Operator.
Number, please.
- Number, please.
- Hello.
- No, no, I wasn't calling anyone.
- Hello?
I wasn't calling anyone.
I wasn't calling anyone.
No, I wasn't calling anyone.
Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe.
[ Engine Roaring ]
[ Engine Roaring ]
Thirty-one hours.
we get there.
Not this morning...
but the next at 11:30.
These guys are good drivers, boy.
They gotta be.
You didn't kill him, did ya?
Got blood on your jacket.
I don't wanna talk about it.
If you're gonna shiver,
put your blankets up more.
I've been thinkin'.
I hope we're not gonna have trouble
about my name down there.
I mean, what's the whole point
of this trip, anyway?
You know?
Keep your blankets on you.
I mean, can you see this guy, running
around the beach all suntanned...
and he's goin' swimmin', like...
and somebody yells,
'Hey, Ratso.
What's that sound like to you?
Sounds like I knew ya.
Sounds like crap.
Admit it.
I'm Rico all the time, okay?
We're gonna tell all these new people
my name's Rico.
Okay?
Okay.
- Hey, what's the matter?
- I'm wet.
You're... You're what?
I wet my pants.
The seat's all wet.
Well, hell, there ain't no use
cryin' over the damn thing.
Here I am goin' to Florida,
my leg hurts...
my butt hurts, my chest hurts,
my face hurts...
and like that ain't enough,
I gotta pee all over myself.
That's funny?
I'm fallin' apart here.
You just...
You know what happened?
You just took a little rest stop
that wasn't on the schedule.
Let me put you up here.
Hey, what size pants you wear?
# Everybody's talkin' at me #
# I don't hear a word they're sayin' #
# Only the echoes of my mind #
# People stoppin', starin' #
# I can't see their faces #
# Only the shadows of their eyes #
Thank you, ma'am.
- Where you from?
- New York.
You ever been here before?
No, ma'am, I ain't.
This is my first time.
Well, I hope you have
a good time in Florida.
Thank you.
# Backin' off of the northeast winds #
# Sailin' on summer breeze #
Hey. Hey, what're you doin'?
I'm zippin' your fly.
What the hell you think I'm doin'?
# I'm goin' where
the sun keeps shinin' #
# Through the pourin' rain #
# Goin' where the weather #
# Suits my clothes ##
Thanks, Joe.
These shirts are comfortable,
ain't they?
Yours was the only one left
with a palm tree on it.
Clothes are damn cheap here too,
you know that?
[ Coughing ]
Everything we got
only set us back ten some.
Hey, you know, Ratso...
Rico, I mean...
I got this damn thing
all figured out.
When we get to Miami,
what I'm gonna do is...
get some sort of job, you know?
'Cause, hell,
I ain't no kind of hustler.
I mean, there must be an easier way
of makin' a livin' than that.
Some sort of outdoors work.
What do you think?
Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
Okay, Rico?
Rico?
Rico.
Hey, Rico?
Rico?
Okay, folks, everything's all right.
Nothin' to worry about.
Is he kin to you?
- Wanna close his eyes?
- What?
Just reach over
and close his eyes.
We'll just drive on in, all right?
Nothin' else we can do.
Okay, folks, just a little illness.
We'll be in Miami in a few minutes.
[ Driver On P. A. ]
Okay, folks, nothin' to worry about.
Just a little illness.
We'll be in Miami in just a few minutes.