Midnight Sex Run (2015) Movie Script

... Jordan. Ted. Stop it.
Please, leave me alone.
Listen to this freaking gaylord.
Why are you such a
fudge packer, Jeffrey?
Ya, why do you look at our
nads in the shower?
I do not. I like girls. Babes.
Just like you guys.
Then tell me,
How many girls have you
fingered at camp this summer?
Well, how many have you fingered?
I used a different finger on each girl.
Diana, Naomi, Tova, Sherri,
Annie, Gaby, Racquel,
Betsie and Jodi.
And I'm saving my magic thumb
here for Jennifer Peters.
Jennifer Peters?
Ha ha ha.
She would never let you
lay a finger on her.
We'll see about that.
We both frenched her you fuck head.
She's too good for you A-holes.
She's pure.
She loves me.
She will never fall under your spell.
What did you just say to us, cock boy?
Ya, I couldn't hear you
over this fire cracker.
Please, don't do it.
Do it man.
Cawabunga, butt pipe.
... AHH.
...I cannot believe I used to pay
some bitch in Burbank...
...80 bucks, 80 bucks to hinder
this shit on me.
A fuckin' dollar for this Sharpie, dude.
Entrepreneur, baby.
Hey, I still need you to
do the back though.
Ya. What does it say?
'Fuck the world.'
... [KNOCK KNOCK]...
...Hi, I'm a friend of Jordan's.
Dude, you got female company.
Rachel. Hey, what a surprise.
Is everything alright?
Ya, everything is fine.
Sorry, I was just...
... in the neighborhood.
Is this a bad time?
Oh, no.
I was just taking a nap.
Oh ya?
Can I come lay down with you?
Oh, no.
I WAS taking a nap...
... I gotta go now.
I have an audition.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll get out of your way.
What time is it?
It's, um, it's 3 o'clock.
Ya. I gotta-- 3? Wow...
... I'm sorry, It's actually 2 o'clock.
I'm late.
Bye. It was great seeing you.
Thanks for coming.
Ya. it was really nice seeing you too.
Ya, right.
Hey, I brought this back for you.
It's the shirt you let me
wear when I stayed over.
Sorry I've had it a long time...
... it's just kinda hard to track you down.
You could of kept it.
It's fine. Thanks.
And I made this CD for you.
It's some of my songs.
They're just demos so don't
judge me on them yet.
That's awesome.
That's really cool.
Some of them are actually about you.
I'm famous.
Cool. Which ones?
I think you're going to know.
Just listen to it if you get bored.
Can't wait.
Jordan, you're not wearing any shoes?
They're in the car.
Bye. Have a--
Have a really good audition.
... Could you please not-- It's not cute...
... It's just a picture.
No. Please don't.
Please. Thank you.
Okay, fine. Don't freak out.
I don't want to be on the internet.
Why don't you take your
jacket off. Stay awaile.
How many lunches is this now?
Are you counting our lunches?
It's called getting to know each other.
I know. I just--...
... I think I'm better at night time.
I'm more of a night time type of guy.
Because that's when your texts
go from being clever and sweet...
... to super creepy and weird.
You can't judge my tone over
text message.
You don't know the tone I'm going for.
What tone were you going for
with this one...
...'I want to lay you on your
stomach and kiss down your legs,
down the back of your knees
and take off your socks...
...and suck and bite your toes,
bottom of feet.'
Yeah, that's the tone...
...You know when I hear my phone
buzz at one in the morning I go,
Here it comes. And then I
look and I'm like,
'Shocker. There's Teddy's penis again.'
I was trying to start a
dialogue with you but--...
... Oh...
...'Then I'll lick your little
asshole and press my face...
...into your perfect little cunt
until you come into my face.
Then I'm gonna do it again.
It'll be fun.'
Do you really think...
...that this is going to make me
want to sleep with you?
I guess not.
... Hey. Do you girls have
an extra cigarette?
[Fake Chinese Gibberish]...
... What's that mean?
Are they menthol?
[Fake Chinese Gibberish].
How's the water tonight, ladies?
[Fake Chinese Gibberish]...
... Do we go?
We should go.
That was a real,
real bad showing.
Well, what did you expect?
There wasn't one person there
that wanted to talk to us.
Hey. Fuck you.
... You got him.
You got him pretty good.
And we're back.
I am so fucking exhausted.
Yeah, it's 10:40 at night.
What's this CD with the bunny on it?
Says 'Hello'
Ya. It's that girl um...
Rachel from a couple months ago.
With the bangs?
No. Doesn't ring a bell.
Well this is like her singing the songs?
Is it her songs?
Ya some of them are about me I guess.
I'm sure it's-- it's gonna be terrible.
... 'Hello.
You got me...
... Under your spell And I--'
This sucks.
Is this a joke?
No. That's her voice.
This is--.
She told me about this. She told
me she was working on some stuff...
... You got a t-shirt?
She gave you a t-shirt too?
Why do you still have this?
Jennifer Peters gave it to
me right before we got kicked...
I guess I never threw it
away. Well. Goodnight.
Yeah, right.
Call me when you wake up.
Call me when YOU wake up.
... Alright,
Jordan Beck?
Ok, Jordan.
Do you have any questions
before we get started?
No questions.
Do you want me to read to the
camera or pretend my son's here?
Uh, however you prepared it is fine.
Okay. Whenever you're ready.
Aiden, son.
No, this is awful what happened?
I hurt my arm, daddy. I'm scared.
Come here. Daddy knows
how to fix the boo boo.
It hurts daddy. Make it better.
Papa knows how to make the
ouchie go bye-bye.
It's all better now.
Give daddy a hug.
Great. Thanks so much.
Alright, thanks.
Do you need to see it again?
No, no. We're good. Thanks.
... Hey, hey. Just the man I wanted to see.
You know, if you want, you could
drop those off at my desk.
Can't do that.
... Oh, cookie man.
That's right.
You know, if you want, you could
drop those off at my desk.
Hey boss I'm all clear with the cookies.
Ten four, Ted. I'm need you to
pick up a tray of deviled eggs.
and drop them off at the Alpha
Beta Phi sorority house.
Sorority house? Ten four, sir.
Hey, I got a surprise for you.
I'm coming to get you.
And bring that CD with the bunny on it.
'Hello. You got me...
... under your spell...
... and I fell right away.
Hello and thank you...
... for looking at me...
... when I was looking at you.
Oh no, nothing compares...
... to the feelings I'm feelin' inside.
What a party pad.
[Wolf howl]...
... [Knock knock]...
... Good evening...
...Hello Ms. I have a delivery
for you and your sisters...
...Mmm, just the little devils
I was waiting for.
You ladies have a lovely home.
Oh, where are my manners? Come
inside, please. The both of you.
Thank you. That's nice.
She's the den mother.
You can set those eggs anywhere.
Oh, ok.
So uh, what's up? Kind of a
slow night around here.
Slow night?
I have a feeling things are
about to speed up for you.
How do you mean?
Oh, Ted. I knew you were heinous...
... but I didn't think you were stupid too.
Well... surprise.
Hey, how did she know your name?
Oh, I know everything about you.
I've been planning this very
moment for a long time.
Well that's a long time.
It was an eternity, Jordan.
Okay now she knows my name.
That's not good. Let's go.
You're not free to go yet.
In due time we will unleash
you upon this satanic,
garbage heap of a city.
We? Who's we?
Go upstairs and find out.
Go rub your face in it.
No, thank you.
We're going to go. Good night.
[Gun Cock]...
... This isn't a sorority house is it?
... I said go. Now.
... Boo.
Do you guys really not recognize me?
Let me tell you a story
about where I come from.
It's a magical place of sunshine,
sing-a-longs and s'mores.
And of course, obstacle courses.
That place sounds fun.
Oh it's fun, Ted.
Fun, fun, fun, 'til his
buddies took his penis away.
Oh my God it's you...
... Jeff.
In the flesh.
Most of it anyway.
We feel terrible.
We feel rotten.
It was a prank but you know what?
It looks like you've done
really well for yourself.
Your little prank...
... blew off 89 percent of my
penis and testicles.
I had to watch a fox trot by
and eat my dispatched manhood.
Have you ever watched a fox
eat you dispatched manhood?
I've had some really bad oral sex.
The doctors didn't know what
to do with what remained.
My mother and I had some
painful decisions to make.
I'm sure whatever you chose
is quite beautiful.
I chose this.
You kidnapped our dads?
Where are they?
Are they here? Dad.
You don't kidnap a guy's dad.
They're somewhere safe. For now.
Okay look, I'm on the
verge of booking a very,
very big Band-Aid commercial.
When I do, we'll split the money
with you. Give us back our dads.
You two haven't changed a bit.
Weasels 'till the end.
Money can't save your fathers.
Only you can.
I don't follow.
Well I do follow. Literally.
Turns out that spying can be
a very lucrative business...
...when you call it 'surveillance'.
Through my very own company,
Buddy System,
I've monitored your sexual
nihilism, your ungrateful...
... standard-free gluttony of cocksmanship.
Okay. We used to be like that in our 20's...
...but, we can't get shit anymore.
No one wants to fuck us.
Spare me.
You have 24 hours to sleep with
ten women of various races,
ages, subcultures,
and professions.
Women that I have been only
able to fantasize about...
... and now you are my avatars...
... recording the ecstasy that
I can only imagine...
... and then when you finish the mission...
... your fathers will be free.
You have 24 hours to screw
a total of ten women.
This is like a midnight sex run.
And to be clear, you are not to
call the police. If you do,
your dads will die.
Jeff will be in constant
communication with you...
... over your walkies talkies.
Once you finish the first
carnal assignment,
buzz Jeff and he will give
you the next target...
... and so on and so forth.
Is that clear?
Who's the first to go? Who's
the first carnal assignment?
When Jeff was first in the hospital he met...
... a very kind nurse.
Your first conquest of the
evening will be a nurse.
Just any old nurse?
I know a nurse.
She's a masseuse but--...
... That's great. One down.
No. No one you know.
They must all be fresh.
You contact any of the loosie
goosies you may know,
and we will shoot and stab your fathers.
You're insane.
For verification,
we are providing you with
cameras to record the deed.
They feed directly to Jeff's
bedroom monitors...
...and in addition, you are both
being issued a power pack...
... to aid your coitus and
Jeff's viewing pleasure.
What are these pills?
You get one Viagra and one Roofie each.
Roofie? What do we need a roofie for?
In case you need help solving a
problem. I was being merciful.
Don't give me the evil eye.
The clock is ticking.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
This is the dumbest thing
I've ever heard of.
Fuck you.
Are you on your period Mrs.
[car start]...
... 'Hello. You got me...
... under your spell...
... and I fell right away.
Sorry. I had to do that.
Some people get a sick
pleasure holding it in,
but that ain't me, mac.
It's alright. Just crack a window.
Alright, how'd that go?
One down?
No. I was talking to one but
some Mexican guy interrupted us.
Cock blocked you?
He was stabbed.
Ruined the vibe...
... Yeah a little bit.
Well let's think. Where would
a nurse go on her break?
There's got to be a bar
around here somewhere.
How about we just pull in back
and wait for one to come out?
Yeah. I was going to say check the back.
Hey, we're gonna be good at this.
... You know this is impossible right?
Ten women in 24 hours?
I haven't had a fresh one in two years.
I can't even get a girl to talk
to me let alone suck our dicks.
You have the wrong attitude.
We've never had a reason
to try this hard.
Technically, this should be fun.
I was thinking about it on
the way over here and uh...
... I'm gonna do six, okay?
You do four.
We should never have thrown
that firecracker.
Ya well, who knew it would
take this long to explode.
In our faces.
Let's roll.
Good evening. Nice night.
Ya, I guess.
It's a busy night too...
...my friend here was just in the
emergency room he said it was...
... really rockin'.
Ya well,
nobody ever takes the night off
from fuckin' themselves up.
Ain't that the truth.
You said it.
Sure did.
I guess uh, judging from your
cigarette there you don't work...
... in the cancer ward.
Cancer patients are boring as fuck.
I'm in the burn ward.
The burn ward?
Wow, that's great.
Ted, did you hear that?
She's in the burn ward.
Terrific. Thank you.
Say, I bet after working in that
ward all day, people outside...
... in the regular world, they
probably look pretty attractive...
... am I right?
I suppose it ain't hard.
You're probably thinking my
friend and I are kind of cute.
Right? I mean we have all of our skin,
most of our hair,
and all your fingers and toes.
Yeah. I suppose it's a step up.
I bet you're also pretty
stressed out right?
Being on your feet all day,
your shoulders are probably
real knotted. Right?
You probably wouldn't mind
a little free massage.
That's what we're doing.
My mom taught me a real special
technique on the shoulders...
... Can I-- Can I demonstrate?
... Sure, why not?
Alright. It's real simple just
relax. Take a deep breath.
And exhale.
There it is.
That looks great.
I bet it feels even better.
Just gonna get up here in the solar flex...
... and you're just gonna
close your eyes and...
... maybe we can make you a wet nurse.
Ted's going to start working on your--...
... What you doing?
I was gonna work the--...
... Ah no, I'm good, I'm good.
Just right there.
I got a little--...
... Okay. I'm gonna keep working up here.
Yo. I said no. What the hell?
Okay, well, hold on.
Wait a second.
Nurse, just give us one more
second. We'll go a little slower...
... Get back out here.
It's not safe to leave in
the middle of a massage.
C'mon. We'll go slower
if that's what you want.
Let's just put a pin in this one and then...
... we'll come back and get her later.
No. Nurse. Nurse. Nurse.
Who the fuck is giving
back rubs out here?
... Hey Jeff, uh, roger,
ten four, copy...
... [Beep]...
... That was fast.
Where's my video?
Jeff, nurse was really hard.
Could you give us an easier one?
Help us get our heads in the game?
Tell him nurse was hard.
Tell him how hard nurse was.
That's extremely disappointing
and totally against the rules.
But, okay. Just this once.
This is your mulligan.
I have something here.
Something easy.
When I finally got out of the hospital...
...my entire world had changed.
... I was despised. Or so it
seemed from my eyes.
People looked at me strange,
treated me like I had mange.
Passersby looked at me with sad eyes,
This is cool.
It's kinda like a rap.
I was marginalized.
Neighbors who once baked me treats...
... now crossed the street
to avoid the freak.
I like it. Keep going.
You see,
I know what it's like to live
on the outskirts of a society...
... that would rather have me vanish.
But I didn't.
I survived and thrived and I'm still alive.
Much like your next target.
You will now give your love...
... to a homeless lady.
I just got 40 dollars,
just in case...
... we need to pay somebody to fuck it.
What'd you guys decide?
Looks like we're going to skid row.
...Jordan used to like the Doors
song where he goes:
'Yes son...'
'I'm going to kill you.'
Spooky to think about that now.
You know, don't jump
all over me, but uh,
I don't think I ever told Ted I love him.
And do you?
Of course.
I just choose to show it in, uh,
non-verbal, more monetary way.
He knows I do.
He has to.
Just so we're clear.
it's your turn to fuck.
Oh really? 'Cause you haven't
fucked anybody yet.
It doesn't matter.
It's based on attempts.
You see? I tried one,
you gotta try one.
Uh, excuse me? Sir?
Ya, you, little guy.
Would you mind helping me
with this kitty litter?
It's just a little too heavy for me.
Yes you. You.
Appreciate it. It's just too
heavy for me to do by myself.
As long as you don't make me
scoop it up later.
You are so funny.
Thank you so much.
I'll get the rest of 'em.
Well aren't you a gentleman.
You know, this is going to
sound really lame but,
did anyone ever tell you that
you look just like Bob Dylan?
Once or twice, yeah.
You do. You do. Just like him.
Well, not now, I mean,
back when I saw him in San
Francisco which was so long ago.
I'm embarassed to tell
you how many years--...
...'Well you have yourself a
nice night young lady.'
Oh my Gosh, that was so great.
Thank you so much.
My friends will be so
jealous that Bob Dylan...
...helped me with my groceries.
I'm just in a dither.
Thank you so much.
... MUSIC...
...Oh, hey lady you forgot your--...
... Lady. Hey. Hey lady. Hey.
You just missed a song about you.
Play it again.
It's actually kind of good.
'Honey I knew
that we were through--...
... It's alright. I like it.
- - dreams got really bad.
Honey I do want you to prove...
...that you know how to be a man.
And I do love you.'
There's a cluster right there.
Pull over.
Pull over, pull over, pull over.
That looks rough.
What do you want to do? Knock on
some flaps, like cold call?
Yeah. That's fine.
They're all on crack.
It makes them really horny.
Here, you go do this one,
and I'm gonna stay here...
... and mentally prepare for the next one.
... Sup.
Excuse me,
I never do this but are you
looking for some company?
I brought some snacks.
You set off the fucking alarm, man.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize.
I'll tell everyone. Oh. Get it.
You know, you should lay some
memory foam down on the floor.
Make it a lot more comfortable for you.
Oh I got you some uh-- I
got you a veggie tray.
With ranch dip. Do you like ranch?
Who? Is that just something
that you say a lot?
You should eat something I think.
Something kind of healthy.
Get you back on track.
Or you could just eat your boogers...
... 'Hello you got me...
... under your spell --'
Do you like wine?
I got a bottle of white wine.
Doesn't this look good?
Hold on.
You can have this--...
... Shut up.
You can have this whole bottle
of white wine to yourself,
I'm not gonna have any,
if you give me one kiss.
I think that's a pretty sweet deal.
Hold on.
Just a quick smootch and you get to--...
... [slap]...
... Ow.
See that wasn't so bad right?
Oh my God...
... How's the wine?
Do you--...
... Who?
Look I'm gonna take a--...
... This is going so well
I'm gonna take a video.
Okay? Don't freak out.
Fuckin' pussies.
I think you're doing great.
Who? Who?
We're live.
Jeff, it's uh, nine-ish on skid row on uh--...
... [spit].
I'm here with a homeless woman.
And uh,
I don't have much time for the
Viagra I just kinda gotta...
... go in.
So um,
do what you gotta do.
Now do you have AIDS? Or HIV?
... That's a yes, right?
Hey, that's enough.
That's enough.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Oh. Great. Bravo.
You're not gonna make it
through the night.
You and your little friend out
there. You're gonna fail.
And you're gonna burn in hell,
and drown in shit and blood forevermore.
... Ah.
Is that a check?
No. She was trouble. She bit me.
She bit me.
What gives, momma? They're doing
a no good, terrible job.
I think even I could do better.
Not true, dear.
You don't have the...
... equipment.
Here's what I got.
Kick off with 'Piggies',
then slide into 'Sexy Sadie',
and then BAM,
'Savoy Truffle'.
... MUSIC...
... Hey. Hey.
It's only fun if we listen to each others.
What're we doing again?
We're re-sequencing
the White Album. For fun.
Oh, the Beatles, aka the Fantastic Four.
... You're next target is a
fifty-something house wife.
Don't let me down boys.
Give it to her good and juicy.
Ten four. Jeff. Good and juicy.
What does that mean? Juicy?
I don't know, but where the
fuck are we going to find a...
...fifty-something year old house
wife at ten o'clock at night?
They're all asleep.
[phone vibrate].
Oh great. My mom is texting me.
She said, 'Where dad is?'
She always sounds like a black
lady when she texts me.
I got it.
... Cut the engine.
Turn off the lights.
Her house is all dark.
That's good.
Why do you think this lady
wants to fuck you so bad?
Because, she said I look like Bob Dylan.
Every girl who's ever said that
has eventually slept with me.
I think you look like Liev Schreiber.
Well, that's why we're not having sex.
Hey, I'm gonna stay in the car
on this one, alright?
Uh, negative.
Well she probably has the mace.
I'm real allergic to the mace.
Ya, she's got mace.
It's in her purse.
You're coming with me, alright?
We gotta do this for Jeff.
We fucked up that last two.
This makes up for it.
We do it together, alright?
She doesn't like me.
She likes you.
No, no, no, she's like a fun,
funky, new age kind of lady.
She likes everybody.
C'mon. We're going to show her
the time of her life in there.
[knock, knock]...
... [doorbell ring]...
... She's not here. Let's go.
[doorbell ring]...
... She's not home.
Oh. Bob Dylan?
(Doing Dylan) It's me.
... You left your purse in the parking lot.
Oh my God.
I tried to stop you but you
were just zooming away.
Thank you so much.
I just-- Total brain fart moment.
I already cancelled all my cards.
No, well, what are you gonna do?
That's life.
No, it's my fault. I should
of gotten it to you sooner.
No, please don't. No, no.
The bag is now back with it's
rightful, negligent owner.
It's all that matters.
It's all good.
Well the good news is all of your pens...
... and most of your gum is still there.
You can check. Go ahead.
Oh, please, no, no, I trust you.
It's all good, it's all good.
Thank you so much.
Your karma is good to go.
Thanks, thank you so much.
Night, night.
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry.
Could I write you a check?
I mean you deserve a reward, right?
If you insist. Maybe
some milk and cookies?
You want to come in my house?
I mean, unless I'm gonna
wake your husband.
Oh, no. Not at all, not at all.
I was just, I-- I--...
... Oh...
Is he with you?
He is.
That's Ted.
Say hi, Ted.
Hey, what's up?
And here, my funky new friends,
is your quiche.
That is yummy looking.
I love it.
Ta-da, Enjoy.
Thank you, Billie.
Oh, you're welcome.
So, you guys, give me the scoop.
You have girlfriends.
No, Billie, we're single just like you.
No, no that's just baloney.
It is not baloney.
Here, check my phone.
Go ahead. Scroll through
the texts, emails--...
... No, no, no.
You go ahead and check it.
What does it matter?
I'm just teasing.
It's not nice to tease, Billie.
... You guys are so fun.
You got me.
Well, I am gonna get
another bottle of vino.
Yes. If you will stay for just one more.
We'll stay 'till you kick us out. Yes ma'am.
Really? Oh, it's fine by me.
Stay forever, I mean--...
... [laughter]...
... MUSIC...
... You're acting weird.
Ya, I know. You think she can tell?
I'm really trying not to.
What're you doing?
Oh I'm just going to Roofie her,
we gotta get this thing--...
... Why would you Roofie her?
It's going well but, you know--...
... No, it's not going well.
She's not sexual at all.
Let's just eat out quiche and--...
... Hey. Hey.
We need this, okay?
This is gonna energize us.
Get us over the hump.
Please don't do that.
What are you doing?
What'd I say?
So, what are you two
whispering about?
Ted was just telling me how
pretty he thinks you are.
Ya, Ted. Tell Billie what you just told me...
... about how pretty she is.
I said, uh, Jordan,
this is a pretty lady.
That's a fact.
Oh, you guys.
I'm gonna cry.
Here's to us.
Bottoms up.
Bottoms up. Okay.
You're chugging it.
... [laughter]...
... It's gonna be a fun night.
I-- I wish that my daughter
could meet good, great guys...
... like you and Ben.
My name's Ted, Billie.
What's you daughter's name,
Mmm, Magda.
Magda. That's so pretty.
It is.
She's an angel.
She's beautiful.
She is, it's true.
But she won't eat, you guys.
She doesn't eat. Just maybe
like, like almonds and...
... and that's it.
And I-- I have told her-- and told--...
... I'm a good mom.
But she's just wasting
away before my eyes.
She might be anorexic.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, she's...
... Anor-- anor--...
... --rexic.
She's beautiful.
Believe me.
She has all this fur now.
And she has these sideburns.
She's like-- she's like
my own little sloth now.
You know maybe I could cook
for her sometime.
Good luck.
... Fat chance.
Ah. No, no, no.
Skinny chance.
Get it?
... That's good.
That's funny.
... She's my baby.
My baby is killing herself.
She is, but she can't die. No.
No she can't. I won't let her.
Like I said I could cook her
a really great meal.
You know, maybe change her tune.
Yeah, you do that.
What's your story,
morning glory? Huh?
You don't talk much.
I think you guys should just talk.
Have you--...
...Have you heard Jordan's Dylan?
You have to do it for Tim.
Tim, Tim, you have to hear this.
Close your eyes and then just listen.
Do it. Do it.
(Dylan) I love hanging out
with Billie and Tim.
... Isn't that great?
That was great.
Isn't that spot on?
Oh. I don't know how you guys do
it but I have to go hit the hay.
Well, sweet dreams.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sit back down, sit back down.
Not yet, not yet, not yet,
not yet, not yet, not yet.
I have a surprise for us.
Yeah. It's a game.
Yeah. We're gonna play a game.
Magda has a Nintendo in her room.
Oh no, no, no.
Not that kind of game.
This is a brand new game.
It's called, 'The Butt Game'.
We all are gonna show our butts
against that wall right there...
... for ten seconds each.
No. You're crazy.
That's not a real game.
No, it is a real game.
It's my game.
And it's easy because we all win.
You just show your butt,
and then, you win.
Why would we do that?
Yeah, why would we do that?
Because, Ben,
it's to show that it's not a
big deal to have a butt.
Okay? We all have a butt.
By showing them,
we free ourselves from...
... all this stupid business about butts.
You know what?
I'm gonna go first.
Aww, that's a cute little butt.
Yeah. I gotta cute butt.
...Alright. What a fun new game.
Who's next?
Me. I'm next.
Alright, Ted's next.
Here we go.
Look, Billie. Ted's trying to
show you something.
Oh my goodness.
Ugly butt.
Ha ha. Billie doesn't like Ted's butt.
Billie likes my butt better, huh?
I do. I do.
That was ten. Sorry that
didn't work for you, Billie.
I'm sleepy.
Alright, who's up now?
I think I know who's up next.
Billie do you know who's up next?
You're up next.
It's Billie's butt.
She doesn't want to play.
Of course she does.
She just needs a little help.
C'mon, help her out.
Don't worry, we're here for you.
Alright. Here we go.
Up against the butt wall.
What am I doing again?
It's the butt game.
No, no, no. That's okay.
No, no. Billie, Billie,
Ted and I already went so it's your turn.
Now remember we're
having a great time.
So you don't want to ruin it.
It's not like you have to spread
it or anything. Let's go.
Fine. Give me a sec. Jeez.
Wow that's great, Billie.
Billie, you're doing a great job.
...4, 5, oh no, no...
... Okay, okay.
Now the game's over.
Get the camera.
We need to leave before she
wakes up and calls the police.
No, no, no. I'm going in.
... What do you mean you're going in?
There's no time for right or
wrong right now, okay?
I'm going in. Get the camera.
Jordan, this is frat boy,
Roofie rape.
If you're forced to go on a
midnight sex run,
you gotta break a few eggs.
Now please get the camera.
Start filming.
Get the camera.
Alright, go.
Hey, Jeff. Jordan here.
At the house of a fifty-
something year old house wife.
Things were going great.
Uh, we chose to use the
roofie you provided...
... just to expedite things --...
... Roofies?
- - because we're a little behind schedule.
She seemed pretty willing though and...
... she's a little passed out right now,
but I think in the morning, she
won't think twice about this.
Here we go.
Hey Jeff, this doesn't seem like you.
I'm real disappointed, man.
But if it gets my dad back,
fuck it.
Billie, you seem like a real nice lady, so,
thanks for taking one for the team.
Stop. Stop.
There seems to have been a
breach in protocol.
Just evacuate the premises immediately.
Okay, we'll mark this off as
tagged just get your shit...
... and get out of there.
Ten four...
... Momma. Momma.
You've gone too far this time
and I won't have it.
You gave the roofies?
They almost did a deed that
can't be taken back.
Jeff, they robbed you blind.
You'll never know what it's like
to lie naked with a woman.
And my grandchildren were
murdered that day.
All the little babies just zapped.
You weren't there.
Ted and Jordan, we we're just
kids. They didn't mean it.
All my life I've just wanted to
be friends with them...
...and momma maybe now I can be
friends with them.
I won't speak their names but
those demons are not...
... nor will they ever be your friends.
I'm sorry sweetheart but
it's judgement night.
I understand.
I do. And I want them to go on
this filthy sex run,
but it's not going as we planned it.
Oh, yes it is. It's going
exactly as I planned it.
Now, go to bed, dear.
Don't make me make you go to bed.
Hey, you alright? Stay focued.
I wanna quit.
C'mon. Think about your dad.
Think about my dad.
She was good to us.
She gave us quiche...
...and you tried to fuckin' show
her your butt and rape her.
Cut the fuckin' rape,
shit talk out.
That's the kind of shit that
follows someone around.
You're fucked in the head.
You're fucked.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Hey. Hey, what the fuck are you doing?
I ca-- I can't.
I'm do-- I'm done. I can't.
I don't feel sexy.
I feel fat.
Did you hear what Billie
said about my butt?
She said it was gross.
Hey, c'mon. We're doing good,
alright? We're getting there.
We're getting nowhere.
Nobody wants to sleep with us.
Everyone thinks we're creepy.
And we are creepy.
God damnit. This is so you.
Things get a little difficult,
it must be time to pack it in.
I didn't get into the one grad
school I applied to.
I guess I'll just be a delivery
boy for the rest of my life.
That's big talk coming from
someone who almost booked...
... a Wheat Thins commercial
two years ago.
Okay, now you're proving my
point. We've done nothing but...
... disappoint our dads our entire lives.
We finally have a chance
to make it up to them...
... by completing this midnight sex run.
Will you stop calling it midnight sex run?
Fine, you can call it whatever
you want, but we're not done.
We got one down,
a few more to go.
We've got none down.
We got none of them.
Why'd they give us that roofie
tonight? Think about it.
They wanted to film us raping that lady.
They want us to get caught.
You think they're gonna let our dads go?
You think they're gonna
let us go after that?
No. We're gonna go to jail.
We're gonna be orphans in jail.
And then we're gonna get raped.
And consciously.
No. Fuck it. I'm done. I'm done.
I was prepared to take a
bullet for you tonight.
Now I guess I don't have a choice.
Where the fuck are you gonna go?
Where are you going?
I'm gonna go save our dads.
Oh, and when I do,
if we need someone to
deliver us a victory cake,
I'll give you a call.
I didn't talk to my father
for a whole year once.
A year? What'd you do?
He ws eating some flap jacks
and he got some...
...syrup up around his mouth there,
and I just said to him,
'Hey pop it looks like you
got lip gloss on.'
Oh man, he belted me.
My old man didn't go in
for that gay business.
You emasculated him.
You challenged his role as protector.
Well, he's not here to protect me now.
It's up to my Jordan and your
Ted. And this midnight sex run.
Jordan, um, I-- I'm sorry
about the misunderstanding.
Ya you should be.
Fuck it. It's dad saving time.
Who's next?
Well, um... midget.
No. Too stupid.
Fuck. Um, well, I think I have
something written down.
A midget. No...
a punk rock girl.
Punk rock girl. You got it.
Listen, Ted and I split up for this one.
Just so you know, we're
not together anymore.
Oh, um, I guess that's okay...
...but, I kind of always pictured
you two doing it together.
Yeah. Me too.
Ah. Ah. Rawr.
Cock-brains chinks wanna throw
out perfectly good slaw.
Yeah, I just lost my wallet or soething.
Do you want some help looking for it?
Oh shit, I thought you were a cop,
or at least you were Sanjaya.
Who's that? Is Sanjaya your boyfriend?
Oh ya, I'm just fucking in love...
... with the towel head that
manages this shit hole.
...I have a wallet if you want me
to get you something.
If you wanna have a party or something,
I can buy us some stuff.
Oh wow...
...A jew with a wallet willing to
part with some fucking cash.
You there, friend?
Listen, you were right about the roofies.
That wasn't me.
I wouldn't to that. Okay?
Hey, how's my dad doing?
Fine, um, we got him some pizza.
I think he's re-sequencing the
White Album or something?
Ya my dad loves the Beatles.
You're a lucky guy.
He's really-- He's really cool.
Fuck it.
Alright, give me my next assignment.
Really? You mean it?
Yeah, before I change my mind.
Who's next? Who's next?
Fantastic. Well I've always
wanted to see you go toe to toe...
... with a female comedianne.
That's great.
There's a stand up place called
the Belly Laughs...
...about four blocks away from you.
I'm tracking you movements.
It's cool, huh?
Yeah, that's awesome.
Copy that.
Back the fuck up, Pablo.
This dumpster is ocupado.
Is that your boyfriend?
Fuck off, Screech.
Give me my Jesus piss.
Hey, you live around here?
We can go drink that.
I live with Aaron.
That's cool.
Don't act like you know him.
Aaron's a mother fuckin'
tattoo artist genius.
He's designing my sleeve.
That's cool.
What are you getting?
It's just me fisting your
mom up to my elbow.
You know, pull out,
it's all mom ass.
Mom dingleberries hanging from it.
I'd love to see the design.
Right away would be good.
What're you saying? You wanna
follow me back to my crib?
Drink my wine?
Worm your way into my pussy?
We could do that, yeah.
[fart and sex noises]...
... [laughter]...
... And this guys nuts smelled
bad enough as it is.
Yup. Now they're
chocolate covered nuts.
[loud, distorted guitar]...
... Yeah. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
I can't. I can't.
Hit me with a freestyle.
[beat boxing]...
... I can't. Stop... stop.
So what's up then?
You got cars?
Yeah. I have a car. Sure.
What kind of car you got?
It's a 2005 BMW.
Oh shit.
[loud, distorted guitar again].
Yeah. C'mon, c'mon. Fuck it up.
That's a beamer song, man.
Look at you and your beamer...
... and your iced expresso
motha fuckin' machine.
How come you know Kelsey?
We met at a dumpster earlier.
Ya'll met at a dumpster and
then you came into my house?
Hey Jew boy. Come here.
That's her. Excuse me.
No, no, no. Yo, yo, yo,
are you askin' or tellin' me?
A said are you askin' me, or tellin' me?
Askin' or tellin'?
It's two mu fuckin'--...
... Askin' or tellin'?
... or tellin'?
... It's a riddle.
It's a what?
You wait here.
Hey, dude. Get in here.
C'mon. Oh fuck.
Sorry this isn't very J Crew
of me. Gimme some fire.
I need a light, Schlomo.
The matches are over there.
I got a big piece of crap
hanging out of my asshole.
[cough] Very cool.
... Yup, that melted my spike.
C'mon, fuck-o.
...Well that's my time, lesbians.
My name is Kate Mancini,
and I'll be in the lobby giving
shitty blowjobs all night.
Hey, just a warning on those.
This is a woman who took...
...blowjob lessons by watching
a dog lick peanut butter...
...off the top of it's mouth, so...
...she's not kidding about those
shitty blowjob, folks.
... Fuck yeah.
What? Are you here for the
shitty blowjob?
Yeah. Where do I sign in?
I want one.
Well whip it out brother. Your
dick isn't gonna suck itself.
Kate, you are so fucking funny.
You're hysterical.
I'm a huge fan.
Yeah right. I always zero in on
the chode who isn't laughing...
...and tonight, that chode was you.
I'm gonna laugh a lot later
when I'm at home,
alone with all my cats.
Wow. You are such a kiss ass.
So, where the fuck...
do you live?
I'm sorry that's a little forward.
Where do you live?
I rep Long Beach, son.
You're gonna drive back to
Long Beach tonight?
In the dark?
You should get a hotel room.
What do you own a fucking
Days Inn or something?
Oh, are you a housekeeper?
[chuckle] There you go again.
[knock, knock]...
... 'Housekeeping.
I here to steal iPad.'
I'm not a housekeeper. I'm just
a guy who's enjoying your riff...
... so much, that he wants to
get you a hotel room--...
... Get a room? Hmm. And hang
out, and get raped...
...by a Frankenstein impersonator?
Raped? Raped? Rape?
Nobody rapes anymore.
That's out. You know what's in?
Hotel rooms. Get in hotel
rooms with strangers.
And I'm gonna give you a bath,
and I'm gonna tuck you into bed,
and I'm gonna give you a
glass of warm milk,
and I'm gonna read you a story.
Something from the Bible.
So I'd be like your daughter
and you'd be like my dad?
If that's what you took from that, yes.
And you'd, comb the knots out of my hair,
talcum my pink asshole and check
for monsters under my bed...
... 'cause you're my dad?
Yeah. All three. I'm your dad.
That would be amazing.
Are you being serious
about this right now?
'Cause I'm totally being serious.
I will do that shit all
night. You have no idea.
Well, I'm being serious...
... young lady, now let's go.
Or no supper, no nothing.
Now let's go. C'mon.
Oh, but daddy, I have to tinkle.
You can tinkle at the motel, now
let's go, Kathrine. Chop, chop.
Or I'll turn this car
around, you little bitch.
Okay. Alright. Okay.
Touch my chicken.
[sniff] MUSIC...
... I'm writing this movie about ferries.
It's got these three little
fairies that climb the mountain,
and they all have ferry abortions.
This Filipino guy I met, he's
gonna produce this shit.
Produce my shit.
Fuck, my fuckin' toe nail is
gonna pop the fuck off again.
[pounding the floor]...
... What're you doing later?
Let's go to the beach and
let's fucking find tarantulas,
and put 'em in a jar,
and eat 'em.
I gotta get some food coloring.
I wanna shadow box.
Okay, you're getting hysterical.
Come here.
Oh my God,
You smell like a horse.
That means it's bath time.
When you smell like a horse, --...
... Bath time.
- -get with the bath.
I love bath time.
But daddy--.
Oh, honey. You are just going up
right before my very eyes.
But daddy, why are you trying to
stick you tounge down my thwoat?
Honey, daddy's worried that
you have a soar throat.
And I've misplaced my
thermometer so I was going to...
... check your temperature with my tongue.
Yeah. My tonsils are all hurty daddy.
That's what I was worried about.
So open up and say 'Ahh'
Oh my God, you should totally
come on my podcast as my fake,
creepy dad and I'll interview
you while you try to trick me...
...into some fucked up molestation.
That'd be really funny.
Open your mouth.
... AH.
...Can you stop being punk rock
for five minutes?
Can you stop being a creepy
robot man with a metal butthole?
Alright, listen. I'm serious.
Just try it. Act normal.
One minute.
Ready, set, go.
'I am a robot rapist. I water my
electric prick with your...
... human pussy juice.'
Okay, let's try something different.
Let's hang out on the bed,
listen to your music,
just talk, get to know each other...
... Where are you from?
What does your mother do?
Fuck you.
How's it going wisenheimer?
Holy shit.
I'm sorry. That's another project that I'm...
... currently working on.
It's like a side project.
Walkie fuckin' talkie.
What are you some kind of Nazi spy?
'Vizen- Himer, get on zee train
with zee otha priz-ners.
I vant more lamp shades.'
'Certainly, frauline. But virst
I must use zee potty.'
... Take off your uniform.
Hey. That's a great idea.
Yeah? You like it?
Yeah. Let's do that.
You fuckin' like it?
Yeah, I love it.
You love that shit.
You love it.
Take it off.
Show me those titties.
Oh, look it Rufus.
Look at him and his little Jew nipples.
Hey, what color was
your hair originally?
You like peanut butter burritos?
Hey Jeff, man could you
fuckin' not beep in...
... when I'm trying to do my shit?
Here ye, here ye,
I hereby decree...
... the implementing of the
sex-run mandated enema.
But don't worry, I have to
get them all the time.
It's easy. And mandatory.
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
You hear from Jordan?
No, I'm getting kind of worried.
I'm sure he's doing great.
Just let me do it. C'mon.
Great. It's going great.
I knew you were a faggotron.
I knew it.
Hey Kate, are you ready for
some serious funny business?
[blows nose]...
... Do a snot rocket...
Oh God.
Do a snot shot.
Miss, please.
Do it.
No. Please. Settle down.
I gotta go. Ted's giving the enema...
... Did you say Ted?
He's back on the run?
Ted is about to give an enema to
a comedian. Says she's a scream.
Ya, well I'm doing pretty
good too, Jeff. Alright?
I'm doin' it with this hot, naked chick.
Here, here I'll show it you.
Oh. She's topless.
I can see her breasts.
Where did YOU come from?
What did YOUR mom do? Huh?
She's a laugh riot...
... This is gonna be classic.
It's gonna go viral.
You're gonna get hits up the wazoo.
Yeah, my fuckin' wazoo.
Now you know what you're
doing back there, right?
You're not gonna make me shit
out of my mouth, right?
Oh, I don't think so. Here get
on the bed. Get on all fours.
Just like I used to do with my grandpa.
Now, faceplant.
Now I'm gonna raise up that a little.
Now am I going to feel a little prick?
God, I can't believe you
talked me into this shit.
Oh, God.
I don't feel anything.
Is it in there?
I don't feel anything at all.
... Patience...
... You gotta be patient.
Ah. Good morning, Vietnam.
It's really in there.
Looks just like the diagram.
This is classic.
Make sure you're not in the
way of the camera.
I'm totally putting this on YouTube.
Well, I'm totally putting this tube in you...
... Yes, strike a pose, Madonna.
That's great.
Ask her if she's ever had
her privates pierced.
Why don't you ask her, Jeff?
You should be doing this.
Um, really? Have you ever
pierced your genetalia?
Yeah, I did a lot. That shit got
infected too and I almost died.
Wow. She talked to me.
You should be doing this.
It's fun. It'd be good for you.
You should be in an oven.
I think that's enough for one.
I'm starting to get full.
No room for desert.
Oh, c'mon, you've only had
like a bag and a half.
You're doing great.
You're really doing great.
Oh, no way, it feels like I'm gonna burst.
You know who's gonna burst? The
crowd. The crowd's gonna burst...
...from laughter when they see
this fuckin' video.
You're doing great. Hilarious.
But it's starting to hurt.
We need to stop this shit.
Kate, I'm gonna raise your
allowance cuz you're such a good...
...little girl.
Now, keep drinking.
The essence of the life.
No. You have to fuck Rufus
first. Everybody does.
How about second?
Nope. Now. He likes it from behind.
But I like it from the front.
You fuckin' Rufus?
Where you going, Liev Schreiber?
[door slam].
How 'bout I kick your ass first?
Oh, no. I'm cool.
Oh, you're cool? Bitch come in
here and try to fuck my girl.
You think you can walk in my
motherfuckin' house and stick...
... you're Jew dick in my
motherfuckin' pussy?
Oh, I'm gonna turn into a creature...
I'm gonna make you feel regret.
We're an ogre.
Oh, you fucked up. I'm too full.
I did it just the way the manual said.
I think you're fine.
You're fine. You're good.
No, no, no, no. It's stuck.
Call an ambulance.
No, It's not stuck, I just took it out.
Here, I can't call 911,
they'll kill my dad.
But what if something's wrong?
... Nothing's wrong, you
just need to purge.
You just need to purge, okay?
You just need to push it out.
You're just kinda full and you
need to push it out, okay?
Push. Push. PUSH.
[Anal water blasts]...
... [Anal blasts continue]...
... Throw up on this bitch.
[Punch] [Bite crunch]...
... Ow. Ah.
Oh my God.
Ah. Ahh.
You bit my fucking fingers off.
... Hey. Do you mind if we
call house keeping?
[Cell phone rings]...
... Hello?
'Hello. You got me.
Under your spell...
... and I fell right away.
Hello, and thank you...
... for lookin' at me when I was
lookin' at you...'
I don't wanna hear a joke,
or see any poop for at least a year.
Maybe I'm not explaining
mine well enough.
Look, it doesn't matter.
I'm glad you did it. And...
... sorry I was mean to you.
Naw, I deserved it.
I was being a baby.
I've been kind of a baby this whole time.
But hey, we're back together now.
I think we're better together.
We're much better together.
We can do this. Alright?
You know what? I'm gonna
beep Jeff right now.
Ask him for a big one.
Do it. You know, you're right.
We can do anything together.
We can do anyone together.
Kate Hudson? Who cares.
Bring it on.
Hey, Jeff.
Listen, I know comedian and
punk rock girl were fruitless,
but uh, we're gonna make it up to you.
Give us the hardest one you've got.
Because I'm back with my best friend,
and we are gonna crush it.
Big time.
You're back together, huh.
Well, then.
I want you to pay a visit to...
... Jennifer. Peters.
Jennifer Peters...
...Camp Shalom Jennifer Peters?
She lives here?
Indeed she does.
Alright, Jeff. No big speeches.
Just tell us where she is.
I know exactly where she is.
Of course he does.
She's at a bar called 'Bar' and I forbit you...
... to utter one word about me
or what's going on.
I forbid it.
And hey, be good to her.
Jennifer Peters still exists.
I can't picture her in the
world we live in now.
She doesn't fit.
You were so in love with her.
You were so in love with her.
Everyone was in love with her.
Rabbi Gold had to be escorted
off camp grounds by security.
Alright, let's not sweat it.
She can't be that kind of
Jennifer Peters anymore.
Think about it.
She's gotta be disgusting now.
You're right.
She's probably a big, fat,
ugly, nasty, skanky
Jennifer Peters now.
That's the Jennifer Peters she is.
This is so like Jeff, to give
us something this gross.
This is so Jeff.
He's fucking with us.
This is so Jeff.
Disgusting. Ew.
It's 1:30. We gotta get to
the bar right before last call.
... Oh, great. We're fucked.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Jennifer's waiting for us.
We gotta go.
We're on a midnight sex run.
Let's fuckin' run it.
C'mon, c'mon.
Let's go. Let's go.
... Ted.
Who's that?
That-- That's just like a side
project I'm working on.
Ted, I see you.
Are you seriously not going
to come over and talk to me?
Nice to see you.
Good to see you too.
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
No. Not gonna let go.
... It's really you, right?
I'm not dreaming?
If it's a dream than it's mine.
I can't believe I'm
standing in a bar at 2 A.M.
next to Jordan from Camp Shalom.
Jennifer Peters...
... Shalom.
What're you doing here? This
is such a crazy surprise...
... and coincidence.
I didn't know you lived in L.A.
but it totally makes sense.
You were always so funny and talented...
... in our camp productions.
It's true.
Yeah. Remember when we put on
Tortoise and the Hare?
You were the Hare and you
were so bratty-- adorable,
but bratty-- that you actually
won the race at the end?
Well it made more sense.
I mean,
The Hare would have been
refreshed after his nap.
Think about it.
Well, I had to console the
Tortoise all night.
I do remember that. He was
crying. Poor kid. Who was that?
It was Jeff.
So I haven't heard from you in two days.
What's the deal?
You over it?
No. I got real busy.
Oh, really? All of the sudden?
That must be nice.
No. It's not nice.
Really? Well I don't know man,
it's kind of weird because,
you know, you were all high on
me, texting non-stop, and...
... I don't know, I thought,
I miss my funny Teddy texts.
Well, I haven't felt too funny lately, so...
... I even miss the gross pictures at night.
I can get you more of those.
'Hey There. You're a good little
boy. You're going to be okay.
Gimme a kiss. All better.
That's how you did it?
Well, yeah. It was better,
but yeah. Basically.
Anyway, enough about me.
What about you?
What have you been doing?
I mean, it's been years.
You could of done
anything you wanted.
That's not even close to true.
I am merely a nurse.
A nurse?
Yeah. You know like um...
...'Get me the paddles-- Stat.'
That kind of thing.
Yeah. Wow. I feel so stupid
trying to sell you Band-Aids.
You're a nurse.
Tell me more. What else?
Uh, you want more, let's see...
... I want everything.
Okay. I volunteer at the homeless shelter.
I'm on cornbread detail.
And I've been taking a
stand-up comedy class,
but that's mostly to get over my
fear of being on stage because...
...I've been playing guitar in
an all girl punk band.
That's amazing.
You're all of them...
I mean you're the whole package.
Maybe we should do lunch
some time this week?
Lunch? No. No.
I said no. No lunches.
Calm down.
I'm cool. No lunches.
No lunch.
Okay. Fine. No more lunches.
Maybe dinner?
Dinner I can do. Dinner's fine.
But I gotta go.
Now I really gotta go.
Alright? Thank you. Alright?
What're you doi--...
... [kiss]...
...I've been wanting to do that.
Okay. You gotta let go.
Just stand here.
Talk to me forever.
No, I can't talk to you forever.
I gotta go. Please let go.
Please. Please let go.
You're so sweet now.
Decreased testosterone has
again worked its magic.
Are you kidding me?
This guy too.
Oh? All I get is an 'Oh'?
Are you still mad about color war, Ted?
Jennifer, It's so great to see
you again. You have no idea.
You look like a swan in a cardigan.
... Are you okay?
You look mad and you smell like a toilet.
I fell in some cat shit.
But I'm okay.
And I am mad, because I've been
waiting 23 years for that hug.
Can I have one more?
Just one more.
Oh you guys.
Look at us. All back together again.
It's like a real kumbaya moment.
I'll say.
Kiddo, there you are. I've been
looking all over for you.
Julia and I want tacos and we
want you to come with us.
So I hope you're hungry,
'cause we're both starving.
Roland, let me introduce you.
This is Ted and Jordan.
We all went to camp together.
That's cute. Were
you guys counselors?
No. I was the kid that drowns,
and then comes back to
haunt all the campers...
...and Jen is next on my list.
We're here to kill Jennifer.
...You're funny. You are funny.
they're good guys. Okay?
They're good guys.
Sorry, he just gets a
little protective of me.
There's a lot of creeps out there.
Yeah, there sure are.
They seem like good guys.
But uh,
why don't we just go back to my
house for Hulu and tacos?
I'm so tired.
I'm just gonna head home.
No. You are in no condition
to drive, young lady.
Why don't you just spend the
night on my couch or,
in my bed again. Head to toe.
That's sweet but I only had one drink and...
... Roland. your feet stink.
I heard that.
Did you hear that, Roland?
She thinks your feet are rancid.
Duly noted, Fred, but why
don't I use my stinky feet...
... and march you to your car,
my lady.
Oh no. Actually, we're gonna
walk you to your car, because...
...we haven't seen her since a
three legged race in 1990...
...and she's requested a rematch...
... so we got a lot of catching up to do.
We'll take her to the car.
I'll walk you back to your car.
Roland, can we have a minute please?
Uh, Jen?
You are killing our dads right
now. You're killing them.
I'm not surprised to see you
two are still butt buddies.
You're even wearing the same shoes.
You were always the dynamic duo.
Yeah. I think it works for us.
But we're always open to a third
if you're interested.
Do you guys ever see Jeff?
Yeah. We're having brunch
with Jeff tomorrow.
Yeah. Big brunch.
Oh that's great.
I was nervous to even ask,
but that means you must be
making your peace with him.
We're really trying. It's an
ongoing process.
Well this is me.
Goodnight, boys to men.
It was really great catching up with you.
I'm glad to see you're both not too fat.
I guess I'll see you in another 23 years?
You'll still be beautiful.
Ugh. I hope not.
Bye? No, not bye. Not bye.
[knock knock] MUSIC...
...Quick quesiton. Are you seeing
anyone? Or engaged or a lesbian?
No. No. No.
Jen, You're the greatest girl ever. Okay?
I've never been able to
make a relationship...
... last more than 6 months.
And now I know why.
Because none of them
could measure up to you.
Excuse me.
Jen, things have been really
confusing since camp and...
...it's been a really crazy night,
but I'm seeing clearly now.
I'm seeing clearly for the
first time in a long time.
I've been holding a fuckin'
torch for you so long...
... that it's a nub.
Jen, it's a nub.
Don't you see what I'm trying to
tell you? I love you.
No. Jen, I love you more than
him. Alright? I love you a lot.
This is for real.
No, I love you more.
I wanna put my babies inside of you.
You guys. You guys.
...I used to have such a crush
on both of you.
I couldn't decide who I was in
love with more. I thought...
... all three of us would get
married and live in a tree.
But after what you guys did to Jeff,
I just couldn't forgive that.
I'm sorry, but when you
blew up Jeff's genitals...
...my heart blew up with them.
Good luck. You'll find
somebody... Most people do.
Hey, Jeff. Why did you do that?
Because I wanted you to see
something you couldn't have.
Has this all been about her, Jeff?
Has this all been about
Jennifer fuckin' Peters?
Well the jokes on you, buddy,
because she loves us.
And she thinks you're a freak.
A peeing in a bag creep.
I don't believe you.
Oh, you better believe it, Jeff.
She was laughing at you.
She called you a dickless
Momma's boy and then laughed.
She did not say that.
She would never say that.
He's crying.
You made him cry.
No, you made him cry.
Apologize to him.
Hey, Jeff. I'm sorry, man.
We're sorry.
You can't talk to my thing like that.
Why you 'otta have your
mouths sewn shut.
And you're well on your way
to becoming bastards.
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
Don't touch our dads.
Just give us our next target.
Just tell us who to fuck.
Just don't touch our dads you
old, nasty shit head.
That's no way to speak to your elders.
Your next target...
... a dog.
A slobbery, flea ridden,
testicle lapping dog.
That's what you deserve,
so that's what you get.
Rin tin tin.
... What'd you do that for?
We're gonna go kill 'em.
I'm not fucking the dog.
Okay. Let's do it.
... What are you doing?
I'm looking for something
to kill them with.
Mmm. What do you got?
I got some fuckin' old New Yorkers,
I got some tennis balls,
I got this sweater,
we could smother them
with the sweater.
Might be hard to corral.
How about we just beat them to death?
Jeff too? Or just the mom?
'Cause I'm not sure he needs to go.
We'll play it by ear.
Good idea, I don't know why we
didn't think of this sooner.
You know, when I was a kid my
dad to me for ice cream once.
And on the ride home, he put
his hand on my knee.
And he started moving it up
higher, and higher, and higher.
He was laughing the whole time but um--...
...I don't know. I think he was
just testing my limits.
But I didn't care. It just felt nice to be--...
... --to be touched by him.
He loves you.
Your dad loves you, Ted.
Your dad loves you.
And that's something worth fighting for.
Yeah it is.
You know...
...I can't help think that maybe
all this wouldn't of happened...
... if we'd been dads by now.
You know. If we had kids of our own.
Well, I guess we forgot.
...What are you boys doing here?
Have you gotten to ten? Don't
tell me you've finished already.
Not even close.
Then what is it?
Mother, we're going to kill you.
You'll never find your dads in time.
Yes we will. Jeff will tell us.
Probably. He's weak. But you
won't have a chance to hear him.
Really? Why is that?
Because you'll have blood in your ears.
Jeff? Get back in your chair.
No Mother.
Leave my friends alone.
They've been through enough.
But honey,
an eye for an eye.
They must be punished.
To what end, mother?
We've spent our whole lives
trying to punish them,
but we've just punished ourselves.
Dad did not leave
because I was castrated.
We drove him away because of our
ruinous obsession with revenge.
We did that.
And now it's over, Joyce.
It's all over.
C'mon, guys. Let's go hang
out in my room.
... Come. It's okay.
This is my play room.
It's nice.
Thank you.
Did you guys come here to kill us?
No.... Yes.
Doesn't sound so bad.
Hey, don't say that, Jeff.
Did Jennifer really say
those things about me?
No. We were just upset that you
were rubbing our faces in it.
She would never say anything
like that. She's an angel.
I know.
Look, Jeff. Dick, no dick,
it doesn't matter.
She doesn't want us.
She doesn't want any of us.
She never did. She never will.
Well, I'll never know.
That's a good thing.
Be glad. Alright?
If i've learned anything tonight,
it's that it's terrible out there.
There's a better life for me.
Now I know what's really
important. Thank you.
Me too. Thank you.
Well I'm glad you guys could
experience this big change...
...but where does that leave me?
Two old farts in a moving van?
You guys didn't get one girl
tonight. Not one.
It's not our fault.
You saw what happened.
That I did. But this was
never about ten women.
This was about me.
And I want you to do the last
one on the list. Number ten.
You do that, we're square.
Truce. You understand?
No. I don't understand.
I do.
What did you guys used to call
me? Ah, I remember.
Gaylord. That means I'm the
lord of the gays, right?
I know what he's gonna say.
It's genius, Jeff. Perfect.
He wants us to fuck each other.
You and me?
But we're just friends.
I know. That's why this
is going to be easy.
We like each other more than
any girl we've ever dated.
We get each other. Right.
We can do this. Alright?
We do this last one and it's over.
Okay. You're right.
We do this, we're done. We get
our dads. What is it?
No big fuckin' deal.
Just gotta do it.
Hey assholes.
You're not fucking each other.
You're fucking me.
... Do it.
Do it.
You want me to just stick it in?
Well, that's how it's done, right?
Now, stop talking and fuck
what you've created.
Ah. Oh my God.
Holy shit.
What? Are you-- What?.
It's amazing.
Oh God.
Oh. Ah. AH.
I'll go again in a few minutes.
I promise.
That's it?
C'mon, Ted. C'mon, you could
do better than that.
C'mon, Ted. Fuck me.
Yeah. You want me to fuck you?
I'll fuck you 'til the end of time.
OH. Ah. AH.
Oh my God.
Jeff, you don't know what you have.
You don't know.
That was pathetic.
Keys and the address to your
dads is by the fire. Now,
get off my property.
[Slap] Don't touch me.
Both of you, get out.
Get the fuck out.
... [laughter]...
... You did it.
You really did it.
Didn't I tell ya they did it?
Ted, did you get all ten?
Uh, pretty much. There were some that--...
... We got 'em all.
... Fantastic.
Way to go.
... What is this music?
Oh, it's my friend, Rachel.
Oh boy.
Yeah. It's the only CD we had so-- I mean--.
It's outstanding. What a superb voice...
... Rachel, you said?
Yeah. She's a friend.
That's dynamite.
Yeah. Yeah, it really is.
...'And I keep giving love away.
So something has gotta be wrong.
'cause nothing is right anymore.
I wanna be a woman but I'm
just a child, I suppose.
You help me the whole night through.
You kiss me goodbye and I believed you.
I fell for you too soon. But
that's just what I do--'
Sorry I fucked up.
So how you doin'? Haven't
heard from you in a while.
It's a little odd.
Right? I think it is.
How's uh...
...Caci. She's great. I really like her a lot.
You tell her about the run?
I told her a little bit. Yeah.
How's Rachel?
Same. Good. She wants to go on
a double date. So heads up.
That'd be fun. Does she
have any new songs?
Yeah, she does.
They're really good.
I brought you some.
They're in the car.
Have you heard from Jeff?
No. Why? Have you?
Just wondering how he was
doing a little bit.
I keep thinking he's going to
beep in on the walkie talkie...
...and give us some assignment.
Yeah right.
Maybe we should check on him.
I don't know.
That'd be weird.
It'd be weird just showing
up at his house.
... MUSIC.