Mike Epps: Don't Take It Personal (2015) Movie Script
1
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm DJ Brandi Garcia.
Give it up for Miss Chloe Flower
on the piano.
Now, LA, everyone,
get up on your feet.
Give it up for the baddest man
in comedy, Mike Epps!
What's up, LA?
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Where the weed at? Where the weed at?
Where the weed at?
Throw it up here, throw it up here
Throw it up here, throw it up here
Where the sexy ladies at?
Ho! Where the big girls at?
No, there's more fat bitches
in here than that.
I seen a whole bunch of fat bitches
walk in here on their toes, like this.
That's how them fat girls walk,
like, yeah...
Sometimes, they put a skip on it,
like that.
What's up, LA?
Where the weed at? I ain't bullshitting.
Where that weed at?
That's how I get my dope at the shows.
Throw it up here.
Last night, a nigga threw an eight-ball
of cocaine on the stage.
And I kept that, too.
I said, "Shit."
We got all kinds of ages in here tonight.
You know what I'm saying?
Let's see who's in the house.
1960 babies? 1960 babies?
It's about y'all bedtime
Yeah
I said, a nigga smell Icy Hot
Yeah
On this side,
say "Blue Cross, Blue Shield."
Where the '70 babies at? '70 babies?
You pregnant at the same time
your daughter is, bitch.
Where the '80 babies at?
'80 babies? '80 babies?
'80 babies!
Whoo!
You crackhead motherfuckers!
This y'all mommy and daddy
right here, look.
Where the '90 babies at? '90?
Y'all can't fuck, fight, read,
cook, clean. Y'all ain't shit.
All y'all know how to do
is show your pussy on Instagram.
Y'all didn't get no ass-whooping.
That's what's wrong with you.
You didn't get your ass whooped
like you supposed to had.
That's why all our self-esteems is low,
'cause that law wasn't out.
Your mama was beating on you
like a real nigga.
Hitting you in your back
with their fist like this.
Ahh!
"Nigga, I kill you, hear?"
My mama done told me,
"Nigga, I will kill you!"
I said, "Bitch, I believe it.
The way you just said."
That's what's wrong with y'all.
You remember them ass-whoopings.
You sleep like a baby
after your mama whoop your ass.
That's some of the best rest
you ever gonna get.
Yeah, you sleep like
a motherfucker in there.
You be layin' in the bed and shit...
Yeah, you in the bed,
crying like a mother--
"I didn't... I didn't even...
do nothing to..."
She on the phone, tellin' everybody,
"I fucked him up.
Girl, I tried to kill that nigga.
He look like his daddy, Robert Earl.
That's what made me
jump on him the way I did.
I tried to kill him, girl."
When you wake up,
it'd be nighttime.
Your mama done whooped
a whole day out your ass.
You wake up going...
"Mama...
Fat-ass bitch! Fuck!"
That's when your brother come in the room
fucking with you. "Whoo-wee.
Tore your ass up, didn't she?"
"You better get out of here, little bitch,
and leave me alone."
Yeah.
I grew up real poor, you know what I mean?
From the hood, you know?
I ain't got no room to be modest.
It's time for me to shine.
If you got some good pussy,
and you know it, clap your hand!
Yeah, right. Some of you bitches
lying like a motherfucker.
Some of y'all's pussy ain't been good
since junior high.
I see a couple niggas in here
with white girls.
You didn't pay to get in.
Yeah, you see a nigga
with a white girl at the bank,
the nigga's in the car.
The white girl at the machine
talking 'bout, "How much?"
"Bitch, all the money out of there.
Get all the money out of there."
You can borrow money from a white girl
and don't never give it back.
"This is the last $40, Tyrone.
You're taking advantage of me
and my mom is starting to notice it!"
"I don't give a fuck what your mama's
starting to notice.
She wanna give me
some of that pussy on the low."
You borrow some money from a black girl,
she gonna threaten your ass
before she give it to you.
"Let me tell you something about my money,
motherfucker, before I give it to you.
I works too hard for my shit.
And I'll kill a motherfucker..."
You'll be like,
"I don't even want it, here.
You done threatened a motherfucker, here.
Take this $7 back, bitch.
You one of the pettiest bitches I know!"
There's all kinds of pimps and players
out here tonight.
I seen a nigga walking in here
with a hip replacement.
Nigga, like, "Yeah..."
Would you let a nigga fuck you
that walk like this?
"Sharon! Sharon! Sharon!"
I'm getting old than a motherfucker,
I can tell.
'Cause when I say something
to the young bitches,
they be like,
"Hey, Uncle Mike."
"I'm not your uncle, little young bitch.
I want to fuck ya."
"I wanna do something strange
for a little piece of change."
I can tell I'm getting old now,
'cause I'll be sitting at the bar,
a lot of older women
are starting to approach me.
I'll be sitting at the bar,
all of a sudden, I hear, "Hello, Michael.
My name is Mildred, Michael."
"Mildred?"
"Would you like a cold glass of red wine,
Michael?"
I said, "No, I'd like you to get
your goatee off my neck, Mildred."
Morgan Freeman-looking-ass-bitch
sneaking up behind me.
When you fuckin' them young girls,
they want some money.
-"Give me some money."
-"Nope."
"Give me some... Don't touch me.
Give me some money.
You still gonna do what you said
you gonna do, OG?"
When you fuckin' them young girls,
you gotta take a half a pill
of that Cialis and a Red Bull
and beat that young cat up.
That's how it sounds when you
beat that young cat up...
'Cause when you fucking them cougars,
that sound like...
"Young man, young man, young man!
All right...
You're all in my guts, young man."
They warm your food up and shit,
everything.
"I got the Salisbury steak,
mashed potato, green beans,
with a little broccoli in it."
Yeah, it's getting crazy out here.
A lot of you bitches
is out of season tonight.
Yeah, some bitches got some shit on
y'all supposed to have in June on.
It's colder than a motherfucker out here.
That's them good-pussy walkin' bitches.
Bitches walking in here, like, "Yeah."
That's a good-pussy walk, ain't it?
"Man, I bet that pussy good, right there."
I see all you fellas covered up,
make Mama happy.
That's right. Happy wife, happy life.
Make Mama happy.
If you wanna be happy in the house...
'Cause you fuck around and make Mama mad,
the whole house is sad.
Yeah, the kids ain't talkin' to you.
"You a mean daddy."
"Fuck you.
You ain't got nothing to do with this."
You fuck around, make Mama mad,
the whole house is sad.
Yeah, women know how to shut
the whole house down.
Ain't no food being cooked.
Ain't no pussy being given.
None of that.
The whole family is in one bedroom.
They bringing food from the kitchen
in the bedroom, like...
I've been smokin'
that motherfuckin' weed, shit.
I was smoking with a nigga the other day
and dropped it.
Nigga picked it up
and hit it on the way up.
Nigga said, "Here you go, man."
"You dropped your shit."
I said, "Nigga, who the hell...
You gonna reward yourself?"
All these beautiful ladies in here.
That's right, fellas.
Treat the ladies right.
Y'all smellin' good in here, too.
There're some boogerwoofs, too, now.
Don't get it...
It ain't all beautiful bitches in here.
Three of 'em got backstage.
They was like,
"What you doin' after this?"
I said, "Going to bed.
I'm not fuckin' none of y'all."
Three of them bitches from
The Lord of the Rings snuck in the back.
"Michael!
Get me the ring, Michael."
Yeah, you get into
an argument with your girl...
Them arguments are...
They are pinnacle in a relationship.
You get into an argument with your girl,
y'all say some shit to each other
y'all couldn't believe
each other said about each other.
In the middle of the argument,
your girl will be like, "For real?"
"Yeah, for real, bitch!
You look like a hobbit."
And women know how to say some shit
to fuck our ego up.
"Little-dick motherfucker!
Get your dick game right."
Sometimes they clap.
"Get your dick game right."
Yeah, we cuss your ass out,
we want to talk the next day.
Yeah, women'll make your ass suffer.
"You done called me all kind of bitches.
I ain't talking to your ass for a while."
We want to talk the next day
and act like nothin' happened.
But y'all won't answer the fucking phone.
But we keep calling. Fuck it.
"I'm gonna fuckin' keep calling, bitch,
'cause I got something to say.
You wouldn't let me finish.
When we was arguing,
I had three more 'shits' to say to you.
Let me get that off."
And you finally start leaving messages
after three days.
"That was fucked up, what you did Friday.
You fuckin' crazy!"
Second day, real different.
"I don't know where you at...
but just let me know you all right.
I don't wanna talk to you, either."
Third day, real different.
"You see Love and Hip Hop last night?
Then I watched Empire.
You see Cookie on Empire?"
Fourth day, real different.
"Hey, look, I prayed on this last night.
We cannot do this without God.
That's what's fuckin' our relationship.
We ain't got no spirituality in it.
Call me back, now.
Oh, yeah, and I'm going to get help, too.
I talked to the lady this morning.
I want you to go with me.
Call me back.
I love you. Bye."
Fifth day, real different.
"Fuck you then, bitch!
You wanna act like a nigga did something
that motherfuckin' bad? Fuck you!
'Cause I know what I am
to this relationship.
Call me back, now!
Or I'm gonna kill myself, bitch.
This is not a game."
Nigga shoot the gun in the sky
and drop the phone.
But then the motherfucking phone ring.
"Oh, man, she callin' back!"
But you supposed to be dead.
That's when you call her mama.
You ever called a bitch's mama?
"I'm gonna tell her mama
what she's doing."
Like her mama gonna agree with your ass.
"Hello."
"How you doin', Ms. Jane?"
"Well, well, well.
If it ain't Ike Turner in here.
Actin' the fool."
"I guess you heard what happened."
"Yeah, she said she sick of your shit.
You didn't...
Yeah, she is sick and tired of it.
She said that you won't
let her go nowhere.
She said that you are abusive.
She said that--
Shut up and let me finish saying
what I'm gonna say to you.
She said that you said
you gonna kill all her friends."
"Did she tell you what she said to me,
Ms. Jane?"
-"What?"
-"She said I had a little dick."
"Well, do you? Shit.
Motherfucker?
She said you not workin'.
That's the main one of 'em.
You are not workin'."
Yeah, it's fucked up, man. It's crazy.
You know what I'm sayin'?
And don't hit no woman, boy.
You goin' to jail.
That's right. Don't hit no woman, boy.
You goin' to jail.
Yeah, 'cause they got...
They layin' in the bed with their thumb
on speed dial on your ass.
"I ain't gotta put up with this shit,
nigga."
"Hello?"
But they got a new law now.
Whoever get to the phone first,
the other one's going to jail.
You ought to see the niggas on the phone.
"My name is Tony Johnson, my wife..."
Nigga running down the street
with pajamas on. "My wife...
My wife just hit me in the eye.
I'm at 4131 North Park.
I've been to prison three times.
She got a C-section scar
right down her stomach."
Yeah, 'cause the police get there
and always separate y'all and shit.
"Shut up. Don't say nothin'.
Shut up. Don't say nothin' to her."
Now, y'all over here looking at each other
way across the street.
"What the fuck you call the police for?"
"'Cause, nigga,
you said you was gonna kill me."
"I always say I'm gonna kill you.
Have I ever killed you?"
A lot of young girls
are dealing with old men now.
You're dealing with old sugar daddies.
Who's sitting in here with
Mr. Charles right now?
Who's sitting in here with
Mr. Ernest right now?
I see all them minivans outside
and them Cadillacs,
and them Chrysler New Yorkers.
Who's sitting with Mr. Ernest right now?
That's how you got your ticket.
Some old man done bought your ticket.
He'd been tellin' people for weeks
he gonna bring you here.
"Yep, I'm gonna take her down there
to the, uh..."
"What the hell?
I'm gonna take her down there
to the, uh...
to the Orpheum this weekend.
I think, uh, Mike Epps is
supposed to be down there.
But, er, um..."
They don't have no underwear on.
Balls and change, all that be...
"But, er, um..."
Them old men get mad
when they've been paying your bills,
you don't give 'em no pussy.
"I need to talk to you for a minute.
I need to talk to you for a minute,
Sylvia.
Shut up, you gonna listen to me.
I listen to you,
you gonna listen to me."
They be tryin' to keep their false teeth
in their mouth.
"I listen to you,
you gonna listen to me.
Now, I come over here the other day
and gave you $100.
Not a hundred, but $100.
And every time I go to touch on you,
it's a problem, see, bitch?
I'm gonna learn you tonight.
I'm gonna learn you."
'Cause you don't know who your mama gave
some pussy to when you live in the hood.
You don't know who your mama
gave some pussy to.
You walkin' out the grocery store,
and some old nigga walk up,
talkin' about,
"How's your mother doin', little brother?"
"Who the fuck are you?"
"Tell her Sea Monster said hello,
all right?"
Nigga get mad and go home.
Mad as hell.
"Are you fucking Sea Monster, Mama?"
"That's how I got y'all
school clothes this year.
I'll fuck him again if I have to."
Little boys don't like when you're
fuckin' their mama.
-"Where's your mother at?"
-"She ain't here!"
"Where's your motherfuckin'
mother at, man?"
Our fathers come pick us up.
We had four daddies in our family.
I got some brothers
that don't even look like me.
Every Friday, our fathers come pick us up,
there'd be four cars sitting
in front of the house.
Everybody waitin' on their son.
Look like a cab stand outside.
One time,
I jumped in the wrong daddy's car.
I said, "This raggedy motherfucker,
this is not my daddy."
'Cause that's how the car took off.
You can hear them raggedy cars
way down the street.
The floor be out.
You could see the street movin'
in the motherfucker.
My fucking kids think I'm...
I guess, 'cause I'm a comedian,
they think they can play with me.
Yeah, some of them don't take me serious.
My one little daughter talkin' about,
"What's up, Day-day?"
I was like,
"What the fuck you just say to me?
Call me Day-day again.
I'll kick that Pamper off your ass."
Yeah, I got some ugly-ass baby mamas, man.
Yeah, I do.
I ain't always been famous.
My past is haunting me right now.
The bigger I get,
the more my past come back.
I got ugly baby mamas.
Google "Mike Epps' baby mama"
when you leave here tonight.
I ain't gotta fuckin' lie.
And watch Bobby Brown
pop up in the picture.
Where the stepfathers at in here tonight?
Look, they don't even wanna be known.
"Fuck her and her kids, man."
When a man meet a woman,
when he first meet her,
he be so happy,
he be bragging on the bitch's kids.
"Yep, and that little boy right there,
he is going to NFL.
That little girl gets straight A's."
Talk to him about a year later.
"Yeah, man, I ain't--
Hold up for a minute.
Shut the fucking door!
I hate this bitch's kids, man.
I really do."
Yeah, 'cause kids pick their mama's
fucking boyfriends.
"I don't like him, Mama."
"Did I ask you who you like?"
You know.
Especially, they don't like a motherfucker
that don't bring no money in the house.
That's who they fuckin' really don't like.
And it be the little girl in the family.
"He don't even work, Mama."
They be monitoring the food you eatin'
and shit.
You in there eating a snack.
The little boy come in there.
"My mother bought them for our lunch.
Mama, Melvin in there eatin'
our snacks, man."
That's when she come in there.
"Melvin, don't eat their stuff.
I bought that for their field trip.
Don't eat their food."
That's when the little boy go crazy.
"That's his third Capri Sun!
That's his third one, Mama!"
"Man, nigga gonna trip over me
about a pouch of juice, little nigga?
I'm fucking your mama, man."
Obama got daughters.
This is hard for him. Shit.
Yeah, shit.
At the White House, them little dudes is
calling the White House, now.
Sasha and Malia, they growin' up
at the White House.
They callin' the White House.
Obama answers the phone.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, let me speak to Sasha."
"Who is this?"
"Yeah, tell her a nigga named Slick
is calling her right now."
"I beg your pardon.
What did you just say?"
"I said, 'Tell her a nigga named Slick
is calling her.'"
"She's doin' her homework, Slick."
"Yeah, a'ight, well,
tell her a nigga called then."
"Slick? Slick?
Don't hang up. Slick.
Shut... Shut the door.
Shut the...
-Slick?"
-"Yeah."
"Bitch-ass nigga, I'll fuck you up.
Where you at?
I will fuck you up!"
Clinton in the background,
"Don't let 'em take you out
your game, baby.
They tryin' to take you out your game."
I'm a nigga just like y'all.
I got lucky and got in show business.
I got three baby mamas, four felonies.
Didn't graduate from high school,
grew up poor
on the motherfuckin' food stamps.
Yeah, we grew up on food stamps.
Yeah, you remember them food stamps.
But sometimes your mama would
sell 'em to get her hair done.
"I'm gonna get my hair done this month.
I ain't gonna fall like that.
Y'all ain't gonna do me
like that this month."
She sell some of the food stamps,
we'd be hungry that last week.
"Something ain't panning out.
Your hair look good, but we hungrier
than a motherfucker these last four days."
Sometimes, the mailman be late
with the food stamps.
My mother'd go tell, "Go look for him.
Go find the mailman."
I'd be on that bicycle,
riding like a motherfucker,
looking for him.
My brother'd be
on the handle bars like this.
I tried to sell cocaine, man.
I ain't bullshitting, I did.
I tried to sell it,
but I was an unsuccessful thug.
A nigga fronted me a kilo one time,
I ain't know how to get rid of it.
I didn't know who to sell it to.
I went to my auntie and said,
"You know anybody who do dope?"
'Cause you know,
if you give a nigga an eight-ball,
he gonna turn it into what?
A quarter ounce.
The quarter ounce gonna turn into what?
A half ounce.
The half gonna turn into a whole ounce.
The whole ounce gonna turn into two.
The two gonna turn into four.
Now, the four gonna turn into more.
You got a quarter key.
You got nine ounces.
What's that nine gonna turn into?
Eighteen.
Eighteen gonna turn into what?
Thirty-six...
Look at the drug-dealer niggas in here.
Nigga said, "Thirty-six."
I tried to sell cocaine in the '90s...
when niggas was on the corner
with the dope under their motherfucking
mouths like this...
"Them police round here
like a motherfucker.
I'm swallowing this shit,
police ride up on me, nigga.
I ain't got nothing.
As soon as they roll up,
I'm swallowing this shit."
You remember niggas sold
cocaine in the '90s?
They'd bring white people
in the neighborhood.
But they'd tell the white people,
"Stay in the car.
I'm gonna go over there
and get it for you.
Stay in the car.
Don't talk to nobody."
It'd be a white couple
sitting in the car, sweating.
"All right, go ahead."
That's when the nigga
go in the projects.
Nigga walk in the projects.
"All right, look.
I got the white people sitting in the car
around the corner, okay?
They got $150.
They want to spend it.
They want an eight-ball right now.
But they got the money.
They spending all weekend.
Okay, now put it...
Okay, now do something for me now.
Now give me something.
Do something for me now. Shit.
I done risked my life out there.
Do something for me now.
Show me something."
About an hour later,
here come the nigga again.
"Okay, they ready again.
Okay, they got a ten-speed,
$200 and a...
and a cable box. They ready."
Later on that night, here come
the white people by theyself.
"Has anybody seen Swift
around here anywhere?"
A nigga named Swift...
done swiftly took your shit from you.
Yeah, it's a lot of niggas in here.
Y'all better watch the police. Shit.
'Cause the police'll put a hurtin'
on your ass, Jack.
No, for real.
And white people be talking about,
"Those niggers are resisting arrest."
How the fuck a nigga resisting arrest?
Fuck that.
You don't even see the police.
You just be riding and one nigga say,
"You know the police behind us?"
That's when you find out
who's going to jail.
When your buddy say, "Man,
you know I ain't go to court that time."
"Well, you goin' in the morning, nigga,
if they pull us over."
The nigga in the back seat,
"I got some pills in my pocket."
"You better eat 'em, motherfucker.
You better not leave nary a Fruity Pebble
in my back seat."
And jail's the wrong place to be
on ecstasy at, ain't it?
You in there in the cell,
sweating and horny as hell.
Your fucking head fall off your shit.
And when you go to jail,
ain't nobody did nothing in jail.
You go to jail,
everybody in there innocent.
"Man, they got me on some bullshit."
Well, somebody did something
in this motherfucker.
Nigga get pulled over, nigga act like
he didn't know his license was suspended.
-"Did you know your--"
-"When?"
"Nigga, ten years ago
we suspended your shit."
Put the head back on it.
Mexicans ain't got no license,
registration, nothing.
Police pull them over,
"License and registration."
"Yes."
"Do you have a license and registration?"
"Yes."
-"Step out the car."
-"No, no, no."
"Get out the fuckin' car."
And white people get out of the car
when the police get out.
"You want to tell me why the fuck
you just pulled me over back there?
Get your fuckin' hands off me!
Don't fuckin' touch me like that!
Get in the car, Rebecca.
Don't put your fuckin' hands on me.
I don't give a fuck!"
That's the booger move right there.
You ever see a nigga in your car
doing that? Nigga like...
How many of y'all ever wiped a booger
on your friend's car seat?
Don't lie, motherfuckers.
"Fuck that, I'm putting the booger
on a nigga's seat.
Ain't no napkins or nothing in here."
I see a whole lot of motherfuckers
I know in here, shit.
I love motherfucking Los Angeles.
This is a great city right here, man.
Ladies, y'all need to start
sharing that pussy.
It ain't yours all the time.
Yeah, God gave you that pussy
to give to us sometime.
That ain't your pussy all the time.
You think 'cause
it's with you all the time
that it's yours all the time.
And it's not. Share that.
They get mad, you know.
Women get mad when you ask for the pussy,
especially if you been together for long.
"We still gonna do it?"
"Not if you ask me again, we ain't.
That's the shit that bother me
right there, don't...
That irritates me.
Don't ask me for no pussy.
Just let it happen, let it...
Let it flow.
Let the pussy come to you."
"That pussy ain't never came to me, bitch.
I've been waiting on this pussy
for 30 years."
Tell it like it is, Mike!
Hey, look, he ain't had
no pussy in a week.
I know what I'm talking about.
I'm touching on it.
Ain't had no pussy in a week.
That's the worst pussy in the world,
some pussy that don't want you.
"Come on... Fuck it, come on!"
-"Shit. Getting on a bitch is not--"
-"Come on! Hell, come on!
Shit. Come on.
Treat me like a piece of meat.
Come on.
You want this pussy?
Come on and get it."
You're taking your pants off, like,
"Man, this is some bullshit right here.
Why you gotta talk to me like that?
I don't like the way you're talking to me,
but I'm gonna get this pussy anyway."
You fucking somebody that don't
want to be fucked.
You act like you upset
while you fucking 'em.
-"This is crazy."
-"You better hurry up!"
You fucking somebody
that don't want to be fucked.
They in the bed like...
"All right. Come on, hurry up."
You try to whisper in her ear,
"Is it good?"
"Don't ask me none of that!
Hurry up!"
You try to lift her leg up.
"We ain't doin' all that!
Why are you grabbing my leg?
Don't grab my fuckin' leg!
Don't come in me.
I'm telling you, don't do it.
If you come in me, it is over.
Don't, nigga, I swear.
What's wrong?
Get up. Move!
Move!
You came in me!"
There's some fine-ass women
in here tonight, man, shit.
I seen 'em in here, they walkin'...
Them women that's real mean got
the best pussy, don't they?
"Get out of my face! No!"
Pussy is excellent.
You ever have some pussy,
fellas, so good,
as soon as you leave the girl's house,
you call her, "What you doing?"
"Uh, standing here in the door,
watching you walk off."
"I just wanted to let you know
I had a nice time."
Now, you're riding home,
smelling your top lip.
Top lip smell like a bag of Funyuns.
Some of y'all's pussy is dead.
You alive, but your pussy's dead.
There's a lot of fine bitches walking
around, pussy dead.
"Hey, look at this dead pussy."
And a lot of fellas don't know it.
"Hey, man, she's fine as hell."
"Man, you know her pussy died
about three years ago, don't you?
Yeah, I went to the funeral."
All the kids is out there with
"RIP Pussy" T-shirts on.
Yeah, it's fucked up, man.
Yeah, it's crazy.
I want to turn my life over to God,
but I gotta get this money first.
I can't go to God with no money, man.
He's tired of hearing niggas
coming to him, broke.
Yeah, that's what niggas say, man.
"I'm coming to you, God,
but I gotta get this money first.
I got three more pounds to get off.
I gotta fuck with the devil
for two more months.
And after that,
I'm coming to you.
See me through the bad that you do."
Yeah.
I tried to be a Muslim one time
and got caught with a ham sandwich
the third day I was in it.
They was like, "Brother, brother, brother,
what kind of sandwich is that?"
I said, "I was just fittin'
telling you, I quit.
I don't wanna do this shit no more.
And take this fuckin' flying saucer
off my head."
'Cause I always been a...
I always been a special kid, you know?
I have.
I always been a special kid, you know?
Peed in the bed.
I was in special classes.
Yeah. YA Juvenile Detention Center.
All that shit.
Yeah, I peed in the bed,
and every motherfucking thing.
I was in special ed
from the first to the twelfth.
I was a senior in high school
and never switched classes, that is...
That's humiliating right there, man.
The bell rings, "Sit back down."
I said, "Bitch, the bell just rang."
"That's not your bell, Michael."
-"When's my bell?"
-"At the end of the day."
I'm like, "Yeah."
"Put your helmet on."
I said, "I ain't putting no fuckin'
helmet on, bitch."
When you in them special classes,
other kids be walking past the room,
looking in the room.
I got a buddy in a wheelchair
want to be a pimp,
talkin' about,
"Look, there go some bitches.
Take me out the chair and set me
on the hood of the car."
I said... "Now, what the fuck
is that gonna do?
It's gonna make you more pimp-ish or
something, nigga, 'cause you sittin'..."
The air out of all this nigga's legs.
This nigga on the car like this.
The legs flat on the car.
All this swelled up.
I knew what was gonna happen.
My buddy said,
"Watch out, get him, get him."
This nigga was sliding down
the hood of the car.
I said, "Oh, Lord."
It was a Cadillac.
The emblem caught that nigga's shirt.
His mother was mad.
"What the fuck y'all put him on
the goddamn car for?"
Yeah, man, I was watching
Good Morning America with my mother,
and 2 Chainz was rapping,
and my mother said,
"Whoo! Whoopi Goldberg rapping now."
I said, "Mama, that is not
no goddamn Whoopi Goldberg."
I talk about all the entertainers,
and then when I see 'em, I act like
I ain't said nothing about 'em.
"Man, what's happenin'?"
"No, that's that bullshit, Mike.
I seen you on your thing.
I seen you on your thing, man."
Yeah, I talk about everybody.
I was talking about
Stevie Wonder one time.
And that motherfucker walked on RnB Live.
I was like, "Oh, Lord."
But I stopped being nervous.
I was like, "He don't know I'm in here.
Why should I let him fuck my night up?"
But one of his fuckin' managers
or something told on me.
I sat there and watched the nigga's lips.
He talkin' about,
"There go Mike, right there."
Stevie looking for me now,
and this nigga like this...
"Where's he at? Where's he at?"
Talkin' about,
"Stevie want to talk to you, Mike."
I'm trying to walk out, he talkin' about,
"What's up, Day-day?"
I'm mad now.
I was like,
"Steve, you better get out my face
before you see for the first time.
I'm fittin' to unblind your ass
right now."
"All these beautiful songs I've been
making up for many years,
you wanna talk shit?"
This nigga tried to hit me.
I said, "This nigga swung on me?"
I told him, "Yeah, I'd be mad
at that beautician
for letting you walk out of there
with them braids starting right here.
Where they do that at, where the braids
start right here in back?"
He got to wash his face way up here
and come down.
Yeah, for real. Shit.
'Cause I like when old men get in a fight.
They be nervous as hell.
When old men get in a fight,
there be change all over the floor.
There be, like, $1.80 on the ground.
Kids be like, "They was fighting
like a motherfucker."
'Cause that's how them old men
who can fight get into it, you know.
One of them old niggas named Pat Henry
walk up in the pool hall.
"Yeah, what's going on, man?
What's this shit I heard,
you supposed to had a...
You supposed to had a...
took an alternator from me over here
on 30th Street the other night?"
"Man, ain't nobody done..."
"Lower your voice. Lower your voice.
Lower your...
What the..."
That's how them old men attack,
real quick.
"Lower your--
Nigga, I kill your ass in here.
Get him on the ground, Tony."
I went to a strip club
in LA the other day, Starz.
No, never again.
These bitches...
There wasn't one star in there.
These Billy Bob Thornton-looking-ass
bitches...
You know you're in a ghetto strip club
when the DJ stops the music and says,
"Laquitia, your grandmama outside
waiting on you.
Laquitia, your grandmother's outside
waiting on you."
Them white strip clubs,
they real smooth.
"That's right, folks.
Coming to the stage...
She goes by the name of Lexus.
That's right, fellas.
Two-drink minimum, Sexy Wednesdays."
Skinny-ass white girl come out there
with a baggy thong on.
Thong just dangling
in the crack of her ass, like, "Yeah."
Yeah, my whole family think I'm funny
but my grandmother.
Everybody be laughing in the house,
and then my grandmother says,
"He ain't that funny to me."
I said, "Who's funny to you?"
She said, "Bill Cosby."
Oh!
"He gave me some tea."
I said, "And what happened?"
She said, "I don't remember."
Yeah, my grandmother used to sit
on the toilet like this with a cigarette.
And just open her legs
and thump the ashes out.
Sometimes she'd lift her whole ass up.
Pow! Pow!
My grandmother'd call the police
on everybody in the hood
and then come down there
with a nightgown on.
"What happened down here?
What happened?"
Every time I tell my grandmother
I'm about to go, she say,
"Yeah, let the Lord bless you,
or the mortuary's gonna dress you."
I said...
"What kind of shit do you say
to somebody walking out the door?"
But see, my grandmother,
she's a great woman, you know.
And I know she's going to heaven.
Yeah.
And a lot of you think you're going
to heaven, but you're not.
You see, when God calls
your crooked Christian-ass home...
the spirit is gonna leave your body
and go into a 30-minute orientation.
And in that orientation, that's when that
beautiful angel's gonna float down
and give you some paperwork to fill out.
"And don't lie, motherfucker.
This is going straight to God."
And when they go to God,
they say, "God...
the first man's here."
"Let him in."
"It's a Mexican."
"Hola, Jess.
My name is Jess, too.
And I was wondering,
can I bring the rest of my family
here with me?
I clean your clouds.
I put an extension on your wings."
"You already snuck 40 of your
cousins in here, Jess.
And pick all them oranges and Chiclets
up off the ground that you dropped.
It smells like Fabuloso in here now."
"Next man, who is it?"
"It's an Asian."
"Let him in."
"God.
You are very, very good God.
I want to know if you have
a beauty supply store up there.
I like to sell all your black angels
lace front wigs...
hair grease...
wave cap, brush...
cocoa butter."
"All of my angels have natural hair.
Thanks anyway, Kum Fuk Mi Sun.
-Next man, who is it?"
-"It's a white man."
"Let him in."
"I waited in that line
for 15 fuckin' minutes!
I should've been first, you know.
Is there a Starbucks up here anywhere?"
"Next man, who is it?"
"It's a black man."
"Let him in.
Let him in.
I said, let him in."
"God."
"What?"
"He's late.
He said he'll be here in
10, 15, 20, 30 minutes.
Oh, look, God! He's here."
"Oh, Jesus, Lord.
I couldn't wait to see you!
Let me get a picture with you, baby.
Yeah, I'm fittin' to post this right now.
Look, God, listen.
I know I've been late on my child support.
That weed I was selling is legal.
Can you help a nigga get his car fixed?"
I fucked the joke up.
Hit the black music again.
"Oh, Lord, Jesus!
Oh, nigga!
Oh, I'll tell you, God...
Oh, man.
Look, check this out.
Look, I know I've been late
on my child support.
That weed that I'm selling is legal.
You remember I got shot on Figueroa?
And you brought me back to life?
I appreciate all of that.
God, listen to me, man.
I know I ain't been right
out there in them streets.
But I had to do what I had to do
to take care of my family... you know.
And I know you know that I'm a real...
I'm a real nigga, you know.
I believed in you more than
any of these niggas around here.
I stayed praying to you.
Can you help a nigga
get his car out the shop?"
Thank y'all. Thank you so much!
Thank y'all!
I'm Mike Epps. I love y'all!
LA!
LA!
Thank y'all, LA.
I love y'all!
LA!
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm DJ Brandi Garcia.
Give it up for Miss Chloe Flower
on the piano.
Now, LA, everyone,
get up on your feet.
Give it up for the baddest man
in comedy, Mike Epps!
What's up, LA?
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Where the weed at? Where the weed at?
Where the weed at?
Throw it up here, throw it up here
Throw it up here, throw it up here
Where the sexy ladies at?
Ho! Where the big girls at?
No, there's more fat bitches
in here than that.
I seen a whole bunch of fat bitches
walk in here on their toes, like this.
That's how them fat girls walk,
like, yeah...
Sometimes, they put a skip on it,
like that.
What's up, LA?
Where the weed at? I ain't bullshitting.
Where that weed at?
That's how I get my dope at the shows.
Throw it up here.
Last night, a nigga threw an eight-ball
of cocaine on the stage.
And I kept that, too.
I said, "Shit."
We got all kinds of ages in here tonight.
You know what I'm saying?
Let's see who's in the house.
1960 babies? 1960 babies?
It's about y'all bedtime
Yeah
I said, a nigga smell Icy Hot
Yeah
On this side,
say "Blue Cross, Blue Shield."
Where the '70 babies at? '70 babies?
You pregnant at the same time
your daughter is, bitch.
Where the '80 babies at?
'80 babies? '80 babies?
'80 babies!
Whoo!
You crackhead motherfuckers!
This y'all mommy and daddy
right here, look.
Where the '90 babies at? '90?
Y'all can't fuck, fight, read,
cook, clean. Y'all ain't shit.
All y'all know how to do
is show your pussy on Instagram.
Y'all didn't get no ass-whooping.
That's what's wrong with you.
You didn't get your ass whooped
like you supposed to had.
That's why all our self-esteems is low,
'cause that law wasn't out.
Your mama was beating on you
like a real nigga.
Hitting you in your back
with their fist like this.
Ahh!
"Nigga, I kill you, hear?"
My mama done told me,
"Nigga, I will kill you!"
I said, "Bitch, I believe it.
The way you just said."
That's what's wrong with y'all.
You remember them ass-whoopings.
You sleep like a baby
after your mama whoop your ass.
That's some of the best rest
you ever gonna get.
Yeah, you sleep like
a motherfucker in there.
You be layin' in the bed and shit...
Yeah, you in the bed,
crying like a mother--
"I didn't... I didn't even...
do nothing to..."
She on the phone, tellin' everybody,
"I fucked him up.
Girl, I tried to kill that nigga.
He look like his daddy, Robert Earl.
That's what made me
jump on him the way I did.
I tried to kill him, girl."
When you wake up,
it'd be nighttime.
Your mama done whooped
a whole day out your ass.
You wake up going...
"Mama...
Fat-ass bitch! Fuck!"
That's when your brother come in the room
fucking with you. "Whoo-wee.
Tore your ass up, didn't she?"
"You better get out of here, little bitch,
and leave me alone."
Yeah.
I grew up real poor, you know what I mean?
From the hood, you know?
I ain't got no room to be modest.
It's time for me to shine.
If you got some good pussy,
and you know it, clap your hand!
Yeah, right. Some of you bitches
lying like a motherfucker.
Some of y'all's pussy ain't been good
since junior high.
I see a couple niggas in here
with white girls.
You didn't pay to get in.
Yeah, you see a nigga
with a white girl at the bank,
the nigga's in the car.
The white girl at the machine
talking 'bout, "How much?"
"Bitch, all the money out of there.
Get all the money out of there."
You can borrow money from a white girl
and don't never give it back.
"This is the last $40, Tyrone.
You're taking advantage of me
and my mom is starting to notice it!"
"I don't give a fuck what your mama's
starting to notice.
She wanna give me
some of that pussy on the low."
You borrow some money from a black girl,
she gonna threaten your ass
before she give it to you.
"Let me tell you something about my money,
motherfucker, before I give it to you.
I works too hard for my shit.
And I'll kill a motherfucker..."
You'll be like,
"I don't even want it, here.
You done threatened a motherfucker, here.
Take this $7 back, bitch.
You one of the pettiest bitches I know!"
There's all kinds of pimps and players
out here tonight.
I seen a nigga walking in here
with a hip replacement.
Nigga, like, "Yeah..."
Would you let a nigga fuck you
that walk like this?
"Sharon! Sharon! Sharon!"
I'm getting old than a motherfucker,
I can tell.
'Cause when I say something
to the young bitches,
they be like,
"Hey, Uncle Mike."
"I'm not your uncle, little young bitch.
I want to fuck ya."
"I wanna do something strange
for a little piece of change."
I can tell I'm getting old now,
'cause I'll be sitting at the bar,
a lot of older women
are starting to approach me.
I'll be sitting at the bar,
all of a sudden, I hear, "Hello, Michael.
My name is Mildred, Michael."
"Mildred?"
"Would you like a cold glass of red wine,
Michael?"
I said, "No, I'd like you to get
your goatee off my neck, Mildred."
Morgan Freeman-looking-ass-bitch
sneaking up behind me.
When you fuckin' them young girls,
they want some money.
-"Give me some money."
-"Nope."
"Give me some... Don't touch me.
Give me some money.
You still gonna do what you said
you gonna do, OG?"
When you fuckin' them young girls,
you gotta take a half a pill
of that Cialis and a Red Bull
and beat that young cat up.
That's how it sounds when you
beat that young cat up...
'Cause when you fucking them cougars,
that sound like...
"Young man, young man, young man!
All right...
You're all in my guts, young man."
They warm your food up and shit,
everything.
"I got the Salisbury steak,
mashed potato, green beans,
with a little broccoli in it."
Yeah, it's getting crazy out here.
A lot of you bitches
is out of season tonight.
Yeah, some bitches got some shit on
y'all supposed to have in June on.
It's colder than a motherfucker out here.
That's them good-pussy walkin' bitches.
Bitches walking in here, like, "Yeah."
That's a good-pussy walk, ain't it?
"Man, I bet that pussy good, right there."
I see all you fellas covered up,
make Mama happy.
That's right. Happy wife, happy life.
Make Mama happy.
If you wanna be happy in the house...
'Cause you fuck around and make Mama mad,
the whole house is sad.
Yeah, the kids ain't talkin' to you.
"You a mean daddy."
"Fuck you.
You ain't got nothing to do with this."
You fuck around, make Mama mad,
the whole house is sad.
Yeah, women know how to shut
the whole house down.
Ain't no food being cooked.
Ain't no pussy being given.
None of that.
The whole family is in one bedroom.
They bringing food from the kitchen
in the bedroom, like...
I've been smokin'
that motherfuckin' weed, shit.
I was smoking with a nigga the other day
and dropped it.
Nigga picked it up
and hit it on the way up.
Nigga said, "Here you go, man."
"You dropped your shit."
I said, "Nigga, who the hell...
You gonna reward yourself?"
All these beautiful ladies in here.
That's right, fellas.
Treat the ladies right.
Y'all smellin' good in here, too.
There're some boogerwoofs, too, now.
Don't get it...
It ain't all beautiful bitches in here.
Three of 'em got backstage.
They was like,
"What you doin' after this?"
I said, "Going to bed.
I'm not fuckin' none of y'all."
Three of them bitches from
The Lord of the Rings snuck in the back.
"Michael!
Get me the ring, Michael."
Yeah, you get into
an argument with your girl...
Them arguments are...
They are pinnacle in a relationship.
You get into an argument with your girl,
y'all say some shit to each other
y'all couldn't believe
each other said about each other.
In the middle of the argument,
your girl will be like, "For real?"
"Yeah, for real, bitch!
You look like a hobbit."
And women know how to say some shit
to fuck our ego up.
"Little-dick motherfucker!
Get your dick game right."
Sometimes they clap.
"Get your dick game right."
Yeah, we cuss your ass out,
we want to talk the next day.
Yeah, women'll make your ass suffer.
"You done called me all kind of bitches.
I ain't talking to your ass for a while."
We want to talk the next day
and act like nothin' happened.
But y'all won't answer the fucking phone.
But we keep calling. Fuck it.
"I'm gonna fuckin' keep calling, bitch,
'cause I got something to say.
You wouldn't let me finish.
When we was arguing,
I had three more 'shits' to say to you.
Let me get that off."
And you finally start leaving messages
after three days.
"That was fucked up, what you did Friday.
You fuckin' crazy!"
Second day, real different.
"I don't know where you at...
but just let me know you all right.
I don't wanna talk to you, either."
Third day, real different.
"You see Love and Hip Hop last night?
Then I watched Empire.
You see Cookie on Empire?"
Fourth day, real different.
"Hey, look, I prayed on this last night.
We cannot do this without God.
That's what's fuckin' our relationship.
We ain't got no spirituality in it.
Call me back, now.
Oh, yeah, and I'm going to get help, too.
I talked to the lady this morning.
I want you to go with me.
Call me back.
I love you. Bye."
Fifth day, real different.
"Fuck you then, bitch!
You wanna act like a nigga did something
that motherfuckin' bad? Fuck you!
'Cause I know what I am
to this relationship.
Call me back, now!
Or I'm gonna kill myself, bitch.
This is not a game."
Nigga shoot the gun in the sky
and drop the phone.
But then the motherfucking phone ring.
"Oh, man, she callin' back!"
But you supposed to be dead.
That's when you call her mama.
You ever called a bitch's mama?
"I'm gonna tell her mama
what she's doing."
Like her mama gonna agree with your ass.
"Hello."
"How you doin', Ms. Jane?"
"Well, well, well.
If it ain't Ike Turner in here.
Actin' the fool."
"I guess you heard what happened."
"Yeah, she said she sick of your shit.
You didn't...
Yeah, she is sick and tired of it.
She said that you won't
let her go nowhere.
She said that you are abusive.
She said that--
Shut up and let me finish saying
what I'm gonna say to you.
She said that you said
you gonna kill all her friends."
"Did she tell you what she said to me,
Ms. Jane?"
-"What?"
-"She said I had a little dick."
"Well, do you? Shit.
Motherfucker?
She said you not workin'.
That's the main one of 'em.
You are not workin'."
Yeah, it's fucked up, man. It's crazy.
You know what I'm sayin'?
And don't hit no woman, boy.
You goin' to jail.
That's right. Don't hit no woman, boy.
You goin' to jail.
Yeah, 'cause they got...
They layin' in the bed with their thumb
on speed dial on your ass.
"I ain't gotta put up with this shit,
nigga."
"Hello?"
But they got a new law now.
Whoever get to the phone first,
the other one's going to jail.
You ought to see the niggas on the phone.
"My name is Tony Johnson, my wife..."
Nigga running down the street
with pajamas on. "My wife...
My wife just hit me in the eye.
I'm at 4131 North Park.
I've been to prison three times.
She got a C-section scar
right down her stomach."
Yeah, 'cause the police get there
and always separate y'all and shit.
"Shut up. Don't say nothin'.
Shut up. Don't say nothin' to her."
Now, y'all over here looking at each other
way across the street.
"What the fuck you call the police for?"
"'Cause, nigga,
you said you was gonna kill me."
"I always say I'm gonna kill you.
Have I ever killed you?"
A lot of young girls
are dealing with old men now.
You're dealing with old sugar daddies.
Who's sitting in here with
Mr. Charles right now?
Who's sitting in here with
Mr. Ernest right now?
I see all them minivans outside
and them Cadillacs,
and them Chrysler New Yorkers.
Who's sitting with Mr. Ernest right now?
That's how you got your ticket.
Some old man done bought your ticket.
He'd been tellin' people for weeks
he gonna bring you here.
"Yep, I'm gonna take her down there
to the, uh..."
"What the hell?
I'm gonna take her down there
to the, uh...
to the Orpheum this weekend.
I think, uh, Mike Epps is
supposed to be down there.
But, er, um..."
They don't have no underwear on.
Balls and change, all that be...
"But, er, um..."
Them old men get mad
when they've been paying your bills,
you don't give 'em no pussy.
"I need to talk to you for a minute.
I need to talk to you for a minute,
Sylvia.
Shut up, you gonna listen to me.
I listen to you,
you gonna listen to me."
They be tryin' to keep their false teeth
in their mouth.
"I listen to you,
you gonna listen to me.
Now, I come over here the other day
and gave you $100.
Not a hundred, but $100.
And every time I go to touch on you,
it's a problem, see, bitch?
I'm gonna learn you tonight.
I'm gonna learn you."
'Cause you don't know who your mama gave
some pussy to when you live in the hood.
You don't know who your mama
gave some pussy to.
You walkin' out the grocery store,
and some old nigga walk up,
talkin' about,
"How's your mother doin', little brother?"
"Who the fuck are you?"
"Tell her Sea Monster said hello,
all right?"
Nigga get mad and go home.
Mad as hell.
"Are you fucking Sea Monster, Mama?"
"That's how I got y'all
school clothes this year.
I'll fuck him again if I have to."
Little boys don't like when you're
fuckin' their mama.
-"Where's your mother at?"
-"She ain't here!"
"Where's your motherfuckin'
mother at, man?"
Our fathers come pick us up.
We had four daddies in our family.
I got some brothers
that don't even look like me.
Every Friday, our fathers come pick us up,
there'd be four cars sitting
in front of the house.
Everybody waitin' on their son.
Look like a cab stand outside.
One time,
I jumped in the wrong daddy's car.
I said, "This raggedy motherfucker,
this is not my daddy."
'Cause that's how the car took off.
You can hear them raggedy cars
way down the street.
The floor be out.
You could see the street movin'
in the motherfucker.
My fucking kids think I'm...
I guess, 'cause I'm a comedian,
they think they can play with me.
Yeah, some of them don't take me serious.
My one little daughter talkin' about,
"What's up, Day-day?"
I was like,
"What the fuck you just say to me?
Call me Day-day again.
I'll kick that Pamper off your ass."
Yeah, I got some ugly-ass baby mamas, man.
Yeah, I do.
I ain't always been famous.
My past is haunting me right now.
The bigger I get,
the more my past come back.
I got ugly baby mamas.
Google "Mike Epps' baby mama"
when you leave here tonight.
I ain't gotta fuckin' lie.
And watch Bobby Brown
pop up in the picture.
Where the stepfathers at in here tonight?
Look, they don't even wanna be known.
"Fuck her and her kids, man."
When a man meet a woman,
when he first meet her,
he be so happy,
he be bragging on the bitch's kids.
"Yep, and that little boy right there,
he is going to NFL.
That little girl gets straight A's."
Talk to him about a year later.
"Yeah, man, I ain't--
Hold up for a minute.
Shut the fucking door!
I hate this bitch's kids, man.
I really do."
Yeah, 'cause kids pick their mama's
fucking boyfriends.
"I don't like him, Mama."
"Did I ask you who you like?"
You know.
Especially, they don't like a motherfucker
that don't bring no money in the house.
That's who they fuckin' really don't like.
And it be the little girl in the family.
"He don't even work, Mama."
They be monitoring the food you eatin'
and shit.
You in there eating a snack.
The little boy come in there.
"My mother bought them for our lunch.
Mama, Melvin in there eatin'
our snacks, man."
That's when she come in there.
"Melvin, don't eat their stuff.
I bought that for their field trip.
Don't eat their food."
That's when the little boy go crazy.
"That's his third Capri Sun!
That's his third one, Mama!"
"Man, nigga gonna trip over me
about a pouch of juice, little nigga?
I'm fucking your mama, man."
Obama got daughters.
This is hard for him. Shit.
Yeah, shit.
At the White House, them little dudes is
calling the White House, now.
Sasha and Malia, they growin' up
at the White House.
They callin' the White House.
Obama answers the phone.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, let me speak to Sasha."
"Who is this?"
"Yeah, tell her a nigga named Slick
is calling her right now."
"I beg your pardon.
What did you just say?"
"I said, 'Tell her a nigga named Slick
is calling her.'"
"She's doin' her homework, Slick."
"Yeah, a'ight, well,
tell her a nigga called then."
"Slick? Slick?
Don't hang up. Slick.
Shut... Shut the door.
Shut the...
-Slick?"
-"Yeah."
"Bitch-ass nigga, I'll fuck you up.
Where you at?
I will fuck you up!"
Clinton in the background,
"Don't let 'em take you out
your game, baby.
They tryin' to take you out your game."
I'm a nigga just like y'all.
I got lucky and got in show business.
I got three baby mamas, four felonies.
Didn't graduate from high school,
grew up poor
on the motherfuckin' food stamps.
Yeah, we grew up on food stamps.
Yeah, you remember them food stamps.
But sometimes your mama would
sell 'em to get her hair done.
"I'm gonna get my hair done this month.
I ain't gonna fall like that.
Y'all ain't gonna do me
like that this month."
She sell some of the food stamps,
we'd be hungry that last week.
"Something ain't panning out.
Your hair look good, but we hungrier
than a motherfucker these last four days."
Sometimes, the mailman be late
with the food stamps.
My mother'd go tell, "Go look for him.
Go find the mailman."
I'd be on that bicycle,
riding like a motherfucker,
looking for him.
My brother'd be
on the handle bars like this.
I tried to sell cocaine, man.
I ain't bullshitting, I did.
I tried to sell it,
but I was an unsuccessful thug.
A nigga fronted me a kilo one time,
I ain't know how to get rid of it.
I didn't know who to sell it to.
I went to my auntie and said,
"You know anybody who do dope?"
'Cause you know,
if you give a nigga an eight-ball,
he gonna turn it into what?
A quarter ounce.
The quarter ounce gonna turn into what?
A half ounce.
The half gonna turn into a whole ounce.
The whole ounce gonna turn into two.
The two gonna turn into four.
Now, the four gonna turn into more.
You got a quarter key.
You got nine ounces.
What's that nine gonna turn into?
Eighteen.
Eighteen gonna turn into what?
Thirty-six...
Look at the drug-dealer niggas in here.
Nigga said, "Thirty-six."
I tried to sell cocaine in the '90s...
when niggas was on the corner
with the dope under their motherfucking
mouths like this...
"Them police round here
like a motherfucker.
I'm swallowing this shit,
police ride up on me, nigga.
I ain't got nothing.
As soon as they roll up,
I'm swallowing this shit."
You remember niggas sold
cocaine in the '90s?
They'd bring white people
in the neighborhood.
But they'd tell the white people,
"Stay in the car.
I'm gonna go over there
and get it for you.
Stay in the car.
Don't talk to nobody."
It'd be a white couple
sitting in the car, sweating.
"All right, go ahead."
That's when the nigga
go in the projects.
Nigga walk in the projects.
"All right, look.
I got the white people sitting in the car
around the corner, okay?
They got $150.
They want to spend it.
They want an eight-ball right now.
But they got the money.
They spending all weekend.
Okay, now put it...
Okay, now do something for me now.
Now give me something.
Do something for me now. Shit.
I done risked my life out there.
Do something for me now.
Show me something."
About an hour later,
here come the nigga again.
"Okay, they ready again.
Okay, they got a ten-speed,
$200 and a...
and a cable box. They ready."
Later on that night, here come
the white people by theyself.
"Has anybody seen Swift
around here anywhere?"
A nigga named Swift...
done swiftly took your shit from you.
Yeah, it's a lot of niggas in here.
Y'all better watch the police. Shit.
'Cause the police'll put a hurtin'
on your ass, Jack.
No, for real.
And white people be talking about,
"Those niggers are resisting arrest."
How the fuck a nigga resisting arrest?
Fuck that.
You don't even see the police.
You just be riding and one nigga say,
"You know the police behind us?"
That's when you find out
who's going to jail.
When your buddy say, "Man,
you know I ain't go to court that time."
"Well, you goin' in the morning, nigga,
if they pull us over."
The nigga in the back seat,
"I got some pills in my pocket."
"You better eat 'em, motherfucker.
You better not leave nary a Fruity Pebble
in my back seat."
And jail's the wrong place to be
on ecstasy at, ain't it?
You in there in the cell,
sweating and horny as hell.
Your fucking head fall off your shit.
And when you go to jail,
ain't nobody did nothing in jail.
You go to jail,
everybody in there innocent.
"Man, they got me on some bullshit."
Well, somebody did something
in this motherfucker.
Nigga get pulled over, nigga act like
he didn't know his license was suspended.
-"Did you know your--"
-"When?"
"Nigga, ten years ago
we suspended your shit."
Put the head back on it.
Mexicans ain't got no license,
registration, nothing.
Police pull them over,
"License and registration."
"Yes."
"Do you have a license and registration?"
"Yes."
-"Step out the car."
-"No, no, no."
"Get out the fuckin' car."
And white people get out of the car
when the police get out.
"You want to tell me why the fuck
you just pulled me over back there?
Get your fuckin' hands off me!
Don't fuckin' touch me like that!
Get in the car, Rebecca.
Don't put your fuckin' hands on me.
I don't give a fuck!"
That's the booger move right there.
You ever see a nigga in your car
doing that? Nigga like...
How many of y'all ever wiped a booger
on your friend's car seat?
Don't lie, motherfuckers.
"Fuck that, I'm putting the booger
on a nigga's seat.
Ain't no napkins or nothing in here."
I see a whole lot of motherfuckers
I know in here, shit.
I love motherfucking Los Angeles.
This is a great city right here, man.
Ladies, y'all need to start
sharing that pussy.
It ain't yours all the time.
Yeah, God gave you that pussy
to give to us sometime.
That ain't your pussy all the time.
You think 'cause
it's with you all the time
that it's yours all the time.
And it's not. Share that.
They get mad, you know.
Women get mad when you ask for the pussy,
especially if you been together for long.
"We still gonna do it?"
"Not if you ask me again, we ain't.
That's the shit that bother me
right there, don't...
That irritates me.
Don't ask me for no pussy.
Just let it happen, let it...
Let it flow.
Let the pussy come to you."
"That pussy ain't never came to me, bitch.
I've been waiting on this pussy
for 30 years."
Tell it like it is, Mike!
Hey, look, he ain't had
no pussy in a week.
I know what I'm talking about.
I'm touching on it.
Ain't had no pussy in a week.
That's the worst pussy in the world,
some pussy that don't want you.
"Come on... Fuck it, come on!"
-"Shit. Getting on a bitch is not--"
-"Come on! Hell, come on!
Shit. Come on.
Treat me like a piece of meat.
Come on.
You want this pussy?
Come on and get it."
You're taking your pants off, like,
"Man, this is some bullshit right here.
Why you gotta talk to me like that?
I don't like the way you're talking to me,
but I'm gonna get this pussy anyway."
You fucking somebody that don't
want to be fucked.
You act like you upset
while you fucking 'em.
-"This is crazy."
-"You better hurry up!"
You fucking somebody
that don't want to be fucked.
They in the bed like...
"All right. Come on, hurry up."
You try to whisper in her ear,
"Is it good?"
"Don't ask me none of that!
Hurry up!"
You try to lift her leg up.
"We ain't doin' all that!
Why are you grabbing my leg?
Don't grab my fuckin' leg!
Don't come in me.
I'm telling you, don't do it.
If you come in me, it is over.
Don't, nigga, I swear.
What's wrong?
Get up. Move!
Move!
You came in me!"
There's some fine-ass women
in here tonight, man, shit.
I seen 'em in here, they walkin'...
Them women that's real mean got
the best pussy, don't they?
"Get out of my face! No!"
Pussy is excellent.
You ever have some pussy,
fellas, so good,
as soon as you leave the girl's house,
you call her, "What you doing?"
"Uh, standing here in the door,
watching you walk off."
"I just wanted to let you know
I had a nice time."
Now, you're riding home,
smelling your top lip.
Top lip smell like a bag of Funyuns.
Some of y'all's pussy is dead.
You alive, but your pussy's dead.
There's a lot of fine bitches walking
around, pussy dead.
"Hey, look at this dead pussy."
And a lot of fellas don't know it.
"Hey, man, she's fine as hell."
"Man, you know her pussy died
about three years ago, don't you?
Yeah, I went to the funeral."
All the kids is out there with
"RIP Pussy" T-shirts on.
Yeah, it's fucked up, man.
Yeah, it's crazy.
I want to turn my life over to God,
but I gotta get this money first.
I can't go to God with no money, man.
He's tired of hearing niggas
coming to him, broke.
Yeah, that's what niggas say, man.
"I'm coming to you, God,
but I gotta get this money first.
I got three more pounds to get off.
I gotta fuck with the devil
for two more months.
And after that,
I'm coming to you.
See me through the bad that you do."
Yeah.
I tried to be a Muslim one time
and got caught with a ham sandwich
the third day I was in it.
They was like, "Brother, brother, brother,
what kind of sandwich is that?"
I said, "I was just fittin'
telling you, I quit.
I don't wanna do this shit no more.
And take this fuckin' flying saucer
off my head."
'Cause I always been a...
I always been a special kid, you know?
I have.
I always been a special kid, you know?
Peed in the bed.
I was in special classes.
Yeah. YA Juvenile Detention Center.
All that shit.
Yeah, I peed in the bed,
and every motherfucking thing.
I was in special ed
from the first to the twelfth.
I was a senior in high school
and never switched classes, that is...
That's humiliating right there, man.
The bell rings, "Sit back down."
I said, "Bitch, the bell just rang."
"That's not your bell, Michael."
-"When's my bell?"
-"At the end of the day."
I'm like, "Yeah."
"Put your helmet on."
I said, "I ain't putting no fuckin'
helmet on, bitch."
When you in them special classes,
other kids be walking past the room,
looking in the room.
I got a buddy in a wheelchair
want to be a pimp,
talkin' about,
"Look, there go some bitches.
Take me out the chair and set me
on the hood of the car."
I said... "Now, what the fuck
is that gonna do?
It's gonna make you more pimp-ish or
something, nigga, 'cause you sittin'..."
The air out of all this nigga's legs.
This nigga on the car like this.
The legs flat on the car.
All this swelled up.
I knew what was gonna happen.
My buddy said,
"Watch out, get him, get him."
This nigga was sliding down
the hood of the car.
I said, "Oh, Lord."
It was a Cadillac.
The emblem caught that nigga's shirt.
His mother was mad.
"What the fuck y'all put him on
the goddamn car for?"
Yeah, man, I was watching
Good Morning America with my mother,
and 2 Chainz was rapping,
and my mother said,
"Whoo! Whoopi Goldberg rapping now."
I said, "Mama, that is not
no goddamn Whoopi Goldberg."
I talk about all the entertainers,
and then when I see 'em, I act like
I ain't said nothing about 'em.
"Man, what's happenin'?"
"No, that's that bullshit, Mike.
I seen you on your thing.
I seen you on your thing, man."
Yeah, I talk about everybody.
I was talking about
Stevie Wonder one time.
And that motherfucker walked on RnB Live.
I was like, "Oh, Lord."
But I stopped being nervous.
I was like, "He don't know I'm in here.
Why should I let him fuck my night up?"
But one of his fuckin' managers
or something told on me.
I sat there and watched the nigga's lips.
He talkin' about,
"There go Mike, right there."
Stevie looking for me now,
and this nigga like this...
"Where's he at? Where's he at?"
Talkin' about,
"Stevie want to talk to you, Mike."
I'm trying to walk out, he talkin' about,
"What's up, Day-day?"
I'm mad now.
I was like,
"Steve, you better get out my face
before you see for the first time.
I'm fittin' to unblind your ass
right now."
"All these beautiful songs I've been
making up for many years,
you wanna talk shit?"
This nigga tried to hit me.
I said, "This nigga swung on me?"
I told him, "Yeah, I'd be mad
at that beautician
for letting you walk out of there
with them braids starting right here.
Where they do that at, where the braids
start right here in back?"
He got to wash his face way up here
and come down.
Yeah, for real. Shit.
'Cause I like when old men get in a fight.
They be nervous as hell.
When old men get in a fight,
there be change all over the floor.
There be, like, $1.80 on the ground.
Kids be like, "They was fighting
like a motherfucker."
'Cause that's how them old men
who can fight get into it, you know.
One of them old niggas named Pat Henry
walk up in the pool hall.
"Yeah, what's going on, man?
What's this shit I heard,
you supposed to had a...
You supposed to had a...
took an alternator from me over here
on 30th Street the other night?"
"Man, ain't nobody done..."
"Lower your voice. Lower your voice.
Lower your...
What the..."
That's how them old men attack,
real quick.
"Lower your--
Nigga, I kill your ass in here.
Get him on the ground, Tony."
I went to a strip club
in LA the other day, Starz.
No, never again.
These bitches...
There wasn't one star in there.
These Billy Bob Thornton-looking-ass
bitches...
You know you're in a ghetto strip club
when the DJ stops the music and says,
"Laquitia, your grandmama outside
waiting on you.
Laquitia, your grandmother's outside
waiting on you."
Them white strip clubs,
they real smooth.
"That's right, folks.
Coming to the stage...
She goes by the name of Lexus.
That's right, fellas.
Two-drink minimum, Sexy Wednesdays."
Skinny-ass white girl come out there
with a baggy thong on.
Thong just dangling
in the crack of her ass, like, "Yeah."
Yeah, my whole family think I'm funny
but my grandmother.
Everybody be laughing in the house,
and then my grandmother says,
"He ain't that funny to me."
I said, "Who's funny to you?"
She said, "Bill Cosby."
Oh!
"He gave me some tea."
I said, "And what happened?"
She said, "I don't remember."
Yeah, my grandmother used to sit
on the toilet like this with a cigarette.
And just open her legs
and thump the ashes out.
Sometimes she'd lift her whole ass up.
Pow! Pow!
My grandmother'd call the police
on everybody in the hood
and then come down there
with a nightgown on.
"What happened down here?
What happened?"
Every time I tell my grandmother
I'm about to go, she say,
"Yeah, let the Lord bless you,
or the mortuary's gonna dress you."
I said...
"What kind of shit do you say
to somebody walking out the door?"
But see, my grandmother,
she's a great woman, you know.
And I know she's going to heaven.
Yeah.
And a lot of you think you're going
to heaven, but you're not.
You see, when God calls
your crooked Christian-ass home...
the spirit is gonna leave your body
and go into a 30-minute orientation.
And in that orientation, that's when that
beautiful angel's gonna float down
and give you some paperwork to fill out.
"And don't lie, motherfucker.
This is going straight to God."
And when they go to God,
they say, "God...
the first man's here."
"Let him in."
"It's a Mexican."
"Hola, Jess.
My name is Jess, too.
And I was wondering,
can I bring the rest of my family
here with me?
I clean your clouds.
I put an extension on your wings."
"You already snuck 40 of your
cousins in here, Jess.
And pick all them oranges and Chiclets
up off the ground that you dropped.
It smells like Fabuloso in here now."
"Next man, who is it?"
"It's an Asian."
"Let him in."
"God.
You are very, very good God.
I want to know if you have
a beauty supply store up there.
I like to sell all your black angels
lace front wigs...
hair grease...
wave cap, brush...
cocoa butter."
"All of my angels have natural hair.
Thanks anyway, Kum Fuk Mi Sun.
-Next man, who is it?"
-"It's a white man."
"Let him in."
"I waited in that line
for 15 fuckin' minutes!
I should've been first, you know.
Is there a Starbucks up here anywhere?"
"Next man, who is it?"
"It's a black man."
"Let him in.
Let him in.
I said, let him in."
"God."
"What?"
"He's late.
He said he'll be here in
10, 15, 20, 30 minutes.
Oh, look, God! He's here."
"Oh, Jesus, Lord.
I couldn't wait to see you!
Let me get a picture with you, baby.
Yeah, I'm fittin' to post this right now.
Look, God, listen.
I know I've been late on my child support.
That weed I was selling is legal.
Can you help a nigga get his car fixed?"
I fucked the joke up.
Hit the black music again.
"Oh, Lord, Jesus!
Oh, nigga!
Oh, I'll tell you, God...
Oh, man.
Look, check this out.
Look, I know I've been late
on my child support.
That weed that I'm selling is legal.
You remember I got shot on Figueroa?
And you brought me back to life?
I appreciate all of that.
God, listen to me, man.
I know I ain't been right
out there in them streets.
But I had to do what I had to do
to take care of my family... you know.
And I know you know that I'm a real...
I'm a real nigga, you know.
I believed in you more than
any of these niggas around here.
I stayed praying to you.
Can you help a nigga
get his car out the shop?"
Thank y'all. Thank you so much!
Thank y'all!
I'm Mike Epps. I love y'all!
LA!
LA!
Thank y'all, LA.
I love y'all!
LA!