Mike Epps: Indiana Mike (2022) Movie Script
1
Indianapolis, what's up?
This was real important to Mike Epps
to come back to Indianapolis,
to represent and put his city on the map.
Get on your feet!
Put your hands together
for Mike Epps!
Hey!
What's up, downtown?
Yeah!
Three-one-seven!
Where the sexy ladies at?
Who ain't got no panties on?
Some guys yelled too when I said,
"Who ain't got no panties on?" over there.
Better not be over there naked,
nigga, up under them jeans.
What's up, Naptown!
Yeah.
We on the Avenue tonight, y'all.
We on the Avenue.
Yeah. The Madame CJ Walker Building, man.
Yeah, we on the Avenue, man.
Everybody's mama got lied to
on this street before back in the day.
This the Ave right here.
Yeah, we in motherfucking Naptown.
Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Shit.
Yeah, man. Everybody's mama got lapped.
My mama and daddy met on this street
at a club called Place to Play.
Y'all too young for that, yeah.
That's... Yeah, that's where
it was going down
at the Place to Play, nigga.
The Avenue, nigga.
Ain't nobody got no COVID in here,
do they? Shit.
They all on my ass.
Little fake COVID card motherfuckers.
Yeah, that COVID is some bullshit, man,
you know.
Fuckers talking about taking the shot.
I-I don't know what the fuck to do.
That shit is...
they trying to scare you with the shit.
- "- Go ahead and take it.
- Got a pill now."
I went on and got it. I said, "Fuck it."
I went and got the motherfucker. Shit.
Yeah, I went on and got it.
When they start talking about
cutting my shit off Netflix,
I said, "Here! Where you gonna hit it at?
Put it in."
I said, "Hit me in the ass with it.
Hit me... Hit me... ".
I thought I had it, I-I did.
I thought I had it.
I went to the doctor.
He said, "That ain't what I said."
I said, "What'd you say?"
He said, "I told you, you tested positive
for cocaine on the 19th."
I said, "I didn't hear you.
Didn't hear what you said."
"All I heard was 19."
See, niggas don't wanna take the shot.
The best way to get niggas
to take that shot is put it in flavors.
"That motherfucker pi...
That-that pineapple Moderna, nigga!"
"Shit!"
"That watermelon Pfizer!"
"Nigga, yeah. I'm on my ninth shot, man."
"You know they got the mango
coming down next month, man."
We got the Mayor Hogsett in the house.
Y'all, give it up for Mayor Hogsett!
Mayor Hogsett!
Me and him was drinking all day today.
That's what I like about him.
He don't give a fuck.
He be on the commercials lit as hell.
"Get another drink
and go deal with these idiots."
Mayor Hogsett, y'all.
Give him a round of applause.
We got a lot of great people in the house.
Andr Carson, y'all.
Andr Carson! Andr Carson!
From the hood, from the hood!
You hear me.
Yeah, man.
That's how we doing it in Indiana, shit.
Yeah, man.
We got a lot of great people in the house.
We got the hood mama,
Miss Bimery in the house!
Give it up for Miss Bimery!
She done helped all kind of niggas
get out of jail around the neighborhood.
She one of them Black women,
if the police got you on the car,
she'll come down there,
"What the fuck did he do?"
"Get the fuck out of his face."
"You better not hurt him, motherfucker."
"We'll be down there to get you, baby."
Nigga in the backseat,
"Go tell my mama I love her, Miss Bimery."
We in Indiana, man. This where niggas come
to get white girls at.
This is where Black men come
and get white girls at in Indiana.
There be a brother in Brownsburg
with a white girl, "I got a white girl."
"Yeah, I'm down here in Brownsburg
right now, know what I mean?"
"Me and my white girl
got us a trailer park, you know."
"Nigga named Dewayne."
Yeah. All the brothers in here
with a white girl right now,
you had your ticket two months ago.
Them white girls don't play,
"We're gonna enjoy your show."
"You're enjoy yourself.
We're gonna get your tickets."
"We're gonna call your friends."
Black women will buy the ticket
and won't tell you they got it.
And be punking you
all through the motherfucking house.
"You still wanna go
to that show, don't you?"
"Better watch your motherfucking mouth."
"You won't be going."
"You can clean the whole garage."
You know, if you got COVID-19,
you can eat a stranger out.
'Cause you ain't gonna smell it
or taste it.
If a woman's coochie stank,
does that mean the kid's gonna be bad?
I mean, they did come
from a bad environment.
Fellas, never date a woman
who don't respect your wife.
I said that wrong.
I didn't mean to say that.
Yeah, this is a union, bitch.
Ladies, you ever just look
at your man sometime and just say,
"I just let anybody fuck."
Where the fat vegans at?
Any fat vegans in here tonight?
Them is some lying motherfuckers,
them fucking fat vegans.
"I don't eat that,
I don't eat that, I don't... Uh-uh, uh-uh."
"Have you read what's in that?
I don't eat that, I don't eat..."
You eating something, motherfucker.
I got a cousin. She's 700 lbs.
She called me crying the other day.
I said, "What's wrong?"
"They snatching women
in the neighborhood."
I said, "And what are you worried about?"
"Ain't gonna snatch nothing around you."
"You might get forklift
off one these streets."
Anyway, she been running down the street
where the women been getting snatched.
She's jogging down the street,
looking in car, trying to get snatched.
She's looking in the car.
She running through the park.
She waving at cars.
'Cause you know how
them big girls, they run real slow.
The van that been...
That been snatching the women
rolled past her five fucking times
the other night.
I told her, "What does that tell you?"
"They didn't see me."
I said, "How in the fuck
did they not see... They seen you."
How can somebody not see
a-a circle on the corner?
A big Cheerio standing there
on the corner, and ain't nobody see you.
Anyway, she got snatched. They ended up...
I think they snatched her last Thursday
or something like that.
Yeah, they snatched her.
I talked to the detective.
He said, "Mr. Epps, she got in the van."
Yeah, she got in the van.
As soon as they stopped, she got in...
It's a lot of young girls in here
with some old men in here now. I-I...
Just sprinkled off in here.
I'll see your AARP card lit up.
When you see them old men walk
like Mr. Ricky, walk like that.
He tired of you hiding him.
You take him to one of them events?
Not a event, a "e-vent."
"You gonna stop hiding me.
Shit, I'm ready to be seen."
She be walking up front.
"Come on, Mr. Ricky. Hurry up."
Mr. Ricky, "Everybody know
we're together now. You cut the bullshit."
When Mr. Ricky get mad
and she say the wrong thing
and he turn around, he gonna say,
"Look, bitch. Let me tell you something."
He done put that spin on it
like it was a-a-a...
"Look here, let me tell you something.
Don't you ever in your fucking life!"
Yeah, well shit.
I like Indiana 'cause
everybody play basketball out here.
Everybody can play ball a little bit.
A little bit, you know.
We got the Indiana Pacers in the house.
Give it up for the Indiana Pacers!
Pacers!
Yeah, them my niggas right there,
them Pacers!
Yeah.
I tried it, yeah. Everybody in Indiana
thought they was going pro.
End up going to prison.
You ought to see them niggas playing ball
in the penitentiaries in Indiana.
Boy, them niggas is some bad niggas.
Yeah, real shit.
And I used to make the team.
I used to make the team.
And then when them report cards come out,
over with.
The coach say, "Yeah, man."
"You might be able to play
that last game we got
against Manual coming up."
Yeah, I used to just shoot the ball.
Coach be mad.
Everybody be lining up
just cussing motherfuckers out.
"I don't give a damn.
You need to get back on defense!"
And when he got to me, he said,
"You are not Reggie Miller."
I was like, "Fuck basketball.
I ain't playing this shit."
Everybody in Indiana can play ball,
and when you see a nigga
that's pigeon-toed,
that got a booty up high,
them niggas can dunk right there.
Nigga that's pigeon-toed, booty up high,
nigga can jump out the ceiling.
That's how you do it.
"Throw the ball up here.
Throw it up here!"
One of them pigeon-toed niggas,
"Throw that ball up here. Throw it up!"
Jumping out the ceiling!
Shit.
Yeah, that's real.
I see a lot of white people.
I wanna tell you,
y'all are about to be extinct in a minute.
'Cause you're not fucking enough.
White people, no, they don't fuck enough.
They only got two kids to a house.
Black people, we fucking.
I don't give a fuck.
You can put us in prison.
We gonna get the guard pregnant.
"Come here. Put your ass
up against the bars."
White people,
they be thinking about their money.
"I can't come in you right now, honey."
"I have to get our stocks and bonds up
before I bust in you."
Niggas don't give a fuck.
We don't give a fuck.
We can be poor on welfare.
"Yeah, let's bring this poor baby
in the world."
All the motherfucking women
that's feeding their kids Popeyes chicken,
them niggas is going to the NFL.
You want your baby to go pro?
Eat Popeyes while you pregnant.
He's going pro.
All them NFL players,
their mama and daddy is 5 foot 2.
They 6'8", 399 pounds.
Motherfuckers was eating Popeyes
when they was in the stomach.
Big breasts.
Chicken wing, that butter biscuit.
Yeah, that's some good shit right there.
Yeah, I love Indianapolis, man.
This is a...
A good, cold motherfucker right here.
It's good and cold, you know what I mean?
Everybody here been to jail at least once.
I got my lawyer in here right now
from 1992.
Where you at, Jeff?
Put your hand up, Jeff Baldwin.
Jeff Baldwin stand up.
You got so many niggas out of prison,
it don't matter.
I was facing 20 to 50 years.
Jeff told me, "It don't look good, Mike."
"It don't look good, Mike.
I'm telling you that right now."
But that's good, man.
When you got a real lawyer,
know what I mean?
Not one of them
fake-ass public pretenders.
You in jail, and they never been to jail,
and here come some young motherfucker,
"Okay, sign your name right here."
"Let's get it over with.
You wanna get out, right?"
Yeah.
Marion County Jail,
that motherfucker right there, shit.
I seen Mike Tyson one time.
I was like, "Mike."
He was like, "Where you from?"
I said, "Indianapolis."
He was like, "Oh shit!"
He was like, "I don't never wanna go
to that motherfucker, right there."
I remember one time I had a girl
come from out of town. She came here.
Got her some White Castles and shit.
She jumped off the plane. "I'm hungry."
"Oh, Indianapolis. I love Naptown."
I took it, "I'm hungry
Let's get some food."
I took her to White Castle.
She was eating them little hamburgers.
She was...
Onion rings.
I called the next morning,
she in the hospital over...
In fucking Wilshire, she over there.
They pumping her stomach.
She said,
"What the fuck was in them hamburgers?"
She said, "The doctor said
I almost died last night."
She said, "Fuck that shit."
Yeah, that's some real shit.
I know during the pandemic,
that was some scary shit.
Everybody was stuck in the house.
You go to the fucking grocery store,
everybody looking at each other crazy.
"You ain't got it, do you?"
Walking through the grocery store,
ain't no motherfucking toilet paper,
all soap.
I said, "They...
Yeah, they wiping their ass,
but they ain't washing it."
There's some funky booty niggas
out here somewhere.
That shit was crazier than a motherfucker.
Dr. Fauci on the fucking TV every day
scaring motherfuckers.
"Well, this is the problem."
"I know that in two months
we're gonna be okay, all right?"
Niggas like, "Two months?"
People that ain't never
been locked down before,
they was going crazy.
It was just good for everybody
that been to jail. It was like, "Yeah."
"Gonna get my little noodles out,"
you know what I mean.
"My crackers,
gonna make me a slam. Sit back."
"Chop them little beef jerkies down
in there with the cheese and shrimp."
Look at the jail niggas.
They know about that.
They know about
that little jail tray right there.
Yeah, that shit was crazy.
Wasn't nobody having fun but the scammers.
All the PPP loan-thieving motherfuckers,
they was on
Instagram and Facebook like this.
Look at these stealing motherfuckers on...
People that had jobs was praying.
"This too shall pass."
Yeah.
If you stealing fucking money,
you know what I mean, from thin air?
Fuck it. Take it.
Fuck 'em. Take the money. All the money
they ain't took from you. Fuck 'em.
Take the fucking money.
Just don't be buying no shoes
and belts and shit with it.
Buy you some land. Buy you some
property and some, yeah...
...with that stolen-ass money.
Buy you some houses
'cause you gonna need it when you get out
'cause you gonna get some time.
They're gonna lock your ass up.
You going to jail.
That's fucked up. You gotta get
your teeth fixed when you stealing.
Anything you doing wrong,
get your teeth fixed
and your health right.
So at least you'd be healthy in there.
Every time you buy a belt,
that tooth you ain't fixed is in the back,
shaking his head saying,
"Look at this motherfucker
buying another belt."
"My tooth been back here
smelling like shit for two years."
"And you buying another belt, nigga?"
I decided to sell drugs.
I was the worst drug dealer
you ever seen in your fucking life.
Yeah, you know.
You gotta be a certain type
of motherfucker to sell drugs, you know?
I was just, you know,
I walk up to the car
with my hand like this.
Fuckers just hit my hand and ride off.
Okay, that's the first sign.
Get a fucking job.
You know.
I remember one time,
'cause I had a gift of gab,
I was talking to this drug dealer.
Motherfucker gave me half a kilo.
I was like, "Hey!"
"I'll see you next week."
"Okay, all right, yeah."
I didn't know who to sell it to.
Man, I sat on that man's shit
for two months.
He was looking for me.
That's the worst feeling in the world.
When you owe a drug dealer? Shit.
Everybody in the hood be telling,
"You know Big Tony looking for you, man."
"Yeah, I seen him. Yeah, I know
where he's at. I talked to him."
"You ain't talked to him, nigga.
He looking for you."
And the other drug dealers
be helping him catch you and shit.
You be at Foot Locker buying some shoes.
"Yeah, he up here
buying some Jordans right now."
"With your money, Big Tony."
"Hold him there. Stall him, stall him!"
"Stall him!"
That's the worst feeling
when you owe a big drug dealer some money.
You sitting there shooting dice,
and he walk up. And you like, "Uh."
"Hey, what's up, Big Tony?"
He like, "What am I gonna say
to this nigga right here?"
I remember I was at this place
called the Epicurean, know what I mean?
It's an old after-hour joint,
right there off Sutherland,
back in the day, in the '90s.
And I used to take my jacket
and put the cocaine down in my jacket,
so when the police checked me,
they didn't find it.
And I'm at the Epicurean shooting dice.
It ain't nothing but old men in there,
old gamblers and shit.
They in there shooting dice.
They got signs on the wall.
"No drugs."
"No guns."
That's all that's in there.
Everything on the wall they say,
"No, don't have it,"
it's in there already.
I'm shooting the dice.
I threw the dice,
and all the dope came out.
All the old men, "Ah!"
One of the old dudes,
"Get your ass outta here. What the hell?!"
When I got outside, he said,
"How much you want for two of them?"
Yeah.
During the pandemic,
I'm telling you, shit,
that motherfucking COVID
shut down everything but child support.
That's the only thing kept rolling,
that child support kept rolling.
When you pay the child support that I pay,
you be mean to your kids.
"Shut the fucking door!"
"Dad, got straight As."
"I don't give a fuck!"
That's the only thing that kept rolling
was child support
'cause I called down there.
I called down there.
Yeah, I told the lady,
"Do you see what's going on in the world?"
"You keep sending
fucking child support bills here, bitch."
"Do you see the world's ending?"
She said, "We don't have anything
to do with that, Mr. Epps."
"You better get rich or die trying."
I told her,
"Fuck you. Go get the manager."
"I don't wanna talk to you. You don't own
the fucking child support place."
Yeah, shit.
During the pandemic, I was watching
The Verzus. That was pretty good.
Yeah, the best one was
Bobby Brown and-and Keith Sweat.
I thought Bobby Brown was fittin' to die,
but that nigga...
I said,
"They better get a paramedic out there
for this fat ass on the side
of that motherfucking building."
I love Bobby Brown, though.
I love Bobby Brown.
Yeah, yeah, shit.
Keith Sweat came out there
with that little Aladdin jacket on.
He got a permanent hunch in his back
from fucking aunties in the '80s.
He fucked over 300 aunties
in his whole career.
He might've got your auntie.
He was at Faces.
Mike Jones and Tandy,
all them niggas was at Faces.
There's a lot
of young grandmas out here, y'all.
These grandmas nowadays, oh my God.
They ain't... y'all not gonna be like
our grandmas now.
Don't forget.
Our grandmas was listening
to Natalie Cole.
Y'all listening to Megan Thee Stallion.
So you know what kind of grandma
that's gonna be.
"Baby, we was twerking
like a motherfucker."
"I had niggas in my DMs
like a motherfucker."
"Me and Rose went to a Cardi B concert."
"We had a ball."
"Not Rose."
"Me and Laquisha went, though."
"Remember 90-years-old Laquisha."
"Me and Laquisha had a ball, bitch."
Eighty-three-year-old peaches.
Yeah, that's some real shit, man,
you know?
All these beautiful ladies in here.
If you beautiful and you know it,
make some noise.
Come on.
Yeah, where's your confidence at?
Where's your confidence at?
If you beautiful and don't know it,
make some noise.
Okay, one dumb broad right there.
Just...
She had to say something.
I thought she didn't know it.
If you're not beautiful at all...
But your confidence is through the roof,
and guys be trying to sneak and fuck you,
make some noise.
Yeah!
One guy said, "Yeah!"
Yeah!
Shut up, nigga, shit.
'Cause all the girls
that look like Beyonc,
they got money,
be sitting in the corner just quiet.
Ain't having no fun.
All the bitches that look like
Kirk Franklin, these bitches got bottles.
You got sections
and every motherfucking thing.
Yeah.
It's hard being in show business, man,
you know.
'Cause everybody wants something from you,
you know.
You wanna give it to them,
but you don't have enough.
'Cause that's fucked up, you know.
That's how Black people are.
We be all... You go to a picnic.
You be famous and shit.
Everybody be happy to see you.
There be one nigga in the corner eating
looking at you like, "Yeah."
What the fuck is wrong
with him over there?
"Yeah, I need to holler shit
for a minute for you."
Yeah.
I be walking in Indianapolis.
This is the only place I can come,
motherfuckers keep it real with me.
Everywhere I go, people be happy
to see me. "Mike Epps, Mike Epps!"
I come to Indianapolis, man,
I...
I'm in the grocery store.
Motherfuckers just walk up.
"You still telling
them corny-ass jokes up there?"
That's why the fuck I don't come back
to the area. You niggas is haters, man.
Yeah, that's some real shit, man,
you know?
Y'all got a lot of nice-looking ladies.
I tell guys all the time,
"Don't fuck a girl with Uggs on."
Girls that wear Uggs are hoes.
One, uh, uh, uh...
Yeah, that lion color Ugg?
That's...
That's a ho right there.
That sable Ugg?
Them is hoes right there.
They'll fuck you in the back of Arby's.
Big roast beef.
I remember I got robbed in Indiana
when I was young.
Niggas put me in the trunk.
They was about to kill me.
I'm telling you.
As soon as they cut the music off,
I was like...
They was like, "What?"
I was like, "Play that again."
They was like,
"You better shut the fuck up back there!"
Bill Cosby's out.
Yeah.
Yeah, see, I wanna be with Bill Cosby.
But I remember he was talking about
brothers wearing their pants sagging.
He really, you know,
he really wasn't with us.
He was, but he wasn't.
But he went down, you know.
And it was all white women
that told on him.
That's what was fucked up,
all white girls.
You seen the interviews they did.
Yeah. A bunch of white girls
told on him and shit.
I just seen him in Atlanta
about, about two weeks ago.
I seen him down there at Macy's.
He was buying some sweaters.
He had some tank tops and shit.
He had a mask. He didn't know I seen him,
but I know his little moves.
Remember from the TV show.
That's how he was turning around in there.
I told my boy, "That's Bill Cosby."
I was just fucking with him.
I walked past quick.
I said, "Where the hoes at?"
He was just, "Hey!"
"Where are the hoes?"
Bill Cosby, he was knocking out
all white women, though.
It was all white girls.
You seen the white girls on the interview.
They told on Bill.
He was knocking out all white girls.
Poor white women, he was knocking 'em...
"Oh, Bill!"
He tried to knock some Black women out,
but they drink every night.
Tolerance too high.
He put four pills in a Black girl's drink.
She talkin' about, "What?
Something supposed to be wrong with me?"
"You're gonna be dead, bitch,
all the pills I just put
in your motherfucking drink."
They locking all the Black men up,
you know what I mean?
Fucking Weinstein.
He thought he was gonna get off
'cause he was sick.
Every time he come to court,
he couldn't walk. He like this...
They said, "Get on in here. We got a...".
"We got a medical ward in the prison too."
"You going to jail, white boy."
R. Kelly man, damn.
What a singing motherfucker, oh man.
Singing-ass nigga right there.
Who was gonna beat R. Kelly in The Verzus?
Nobody.
No, I'll tell you who would've beat him.
A judge.
A judge would have tore his ass up.
Yeah, that's some real shit.
'Cause I'm from Indiana.
You know how this town can be, right?
But I'm gonna be honest.
I'm so tired of acting like
I don't like white people.
I only do it in front of Black people.
White people, if you heard
some of the shit I said about you
when I was around Black people...
And then I go back to my gated community
and hug my neighbor Bob and his wife Cindy
and tell him, "I love you, Bob."
I'm a fake-ass nigga, y'all.
Soon as Black people get some money,
they don't wanna be around Black people.
"Nuh-uh, get them niggas away from me.
I don't deal with no Black people."
"Fuck that shit."
"Niggas are so dinky."
"Them some niggas?
Get them niggas away from here."
"I don't deal with no niggas."
Yeah, that's some real shit,
man, you know.
See all these young girls in here.
Young girls, y'all need to hang with
nothing but Tina Turners, older women
from Haughville.
Tina Turners and-and
Betty Wrights.
Older women know how
to ask you for something.
Young women don't know how to ask
for no money after they gave you coochie.
Older women know how to ask
for that money.
This how an older woman
ask for some money.
"I was wondering, since we spent
a couple hours together,
seemed like you enjoyed yourself."
"If you have it on your heart
to do something nice for me
so I can get my nails and my toes done,
a few other things."
How you gonna tell this motherfucker no
if she done said shit like this?
This is how young girls ask for money.
"You still gonna do
what you said you gonna do, OG?"
"I gotta give you $200
and take an antibiotic?"
"Bitch, don't come back.
I don't give a fuck."
Yeah, that's some real shit.
"Period." That's what young girls say.
"Period."
"Per..."
I can't get with the young audience.
"Period!"
And my kids, they just dance.
I'm talking about these young kids
with these dances and shit.
"Stop fucking moving around me!"
One of my daughters did it like...
I'm like,
"Hey! That ain't no dance, is it?"
"This shit right here?"
That'd got you hit
in your eye back in the day.
Acting like you finna hit a motherfucker.
Yeah, man, I grew up in Indianapolis,
you know what I mean.
Busting fire hydrants and shit.
Going to free lunch programs
at School 48.
Yeah.
The, uh, Diagnostic Center.
I love everything about Indianapolis.
This is a beautiful town right here, man.
This city right here
definitely made me, man.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Yeah, this show was dedicated
to my mother and father.
I lost both of them last year,
you know what I mean? So...
They are real Indianapolis natives.
Mary Reed, Tommy Epps.
My father worked at Navistar for 40 years.
Yeah, my mother used to work at Blocks.
Yeah.
You remember Blocks?
Yeah!
- You remember them big Spiegel's catalogs?
- Yeah!
You'd be ordering shit out of there, yeah.
That's good old Indianapolis
right there for you, man.
Sammy Terry. Ooh!
"Good evening and welcome to Sammy Terry."
He used to have me
with my underwear, "Ah!"
"Sammy Terry gonna get you!"
That's how my mother made me go to bed.
"Sammy Terry gonna get you."
Yeah, man.
Everybody don't know about Indianapolis,
but it's more than corn here.
You know what I mean?
Real smart, intelligent,
educated people, man,
and some real good hustlers.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
I learned how to hustle here, you know?
Yeah. 'Cause I used to sell candy,
but I hated going on 30th and Clifton
'cause they'd take the box.
I know everybody in here personally.
So I'm in here. All this
Hollywood shit I'm doing
is for the cameras.
Yeah.
My dad, Tommy Epps, he used to hang
at The Grand all the time, you know.
Yeah, he used to hang at The Grand.
That was his spot.
One time I was in jail.
I was in jail,
'cause, you know, I was young.
You know when you young and Black,
you know,
the older guys get out of prison.
They sell prison to you real good,
you know.
"I was up there in Pendleton for two years
and then another three years."
"Then I did five years down in Wabash."
They make it sound good. You like,
"I gotta go. Shit, I gotta go check this."
"I gotta check this shit out."
Yeah, I was in jail one time.
I was telling my dad
'cause I ran into an OG.
He was talking good.
He was talking about the white man.
"Yeah, the white man
is the reason why you in here."
I was thinking, I was like,
"No, I did that shit."
He caught me. The white man caught me.
And he was an OG.
He was sitting there telling me
about all this shit, and I called my dad.
I was like,
"Dad, man, I'm in here with a dude."
"He is so smart, this dude. Oh God."
"He is a real OG."
My dad was like, "Yeah, shit."
"He ain't too smart.
He's in there with you."
I was like, "All right, Dad. I gotta go.
They about to cut the phones off. Bye."
Yeah, my dad had a good sense of humor.
One day he called me.
He was talking about some kids
that robbed the bank.
He was like, "Yeah, some motherfuckers
robbed a bank in Indiana and shit."
He said, "Man...".
He said, "The news people asked the kids
'What made you do that?'"
He said,
"One of the kids said, 'Shit, man,
we was watching Heat
and we just said,
we just said, fuck it.'"
My dad said,
"Shit, they must've not watched
the ending of that motherfucker."
Now, they got fucked up!
Yeah, shit.
My mother, she used to go
to them fucking PTA meetings.
Them teachers be lying on you and shit.
You ever see your mother
talking to a teacher
and you just looking at your mother like...
"I'm gonna tear your ass up later on."
Yeah.
My mother used to talk about
she was gonna kick the teacher's ass.
"I'm gonna let that bitch know.
I'm gonna let her have it."
And get up here and be nice.
"Okay, bye-bye, excellent."
"Get your ass in the car!" I'm like,
"What the fuck did she tell you?"
Yeah.
And see, now that I'm grown, man,
I got my life together,
I like admitting shit, you know.
I mean, it ain't quite together.
You know.
But, you know,
I ain't doing what I used to do.
You know what I mean?
To be from Indianapolis,
you know what I mean,
to come up
out of this motherfucker right here?
This is a bad boy right here.
You don't know it 'cause you live here.
You don't go nowhere.
I mean, some of y'all do,
but this is a bad motherfucker right here.
You know.
No... no high school, uh, diploma.
You know, three felonies.
Food stamps.
Kaboom cereal.
King Vitamin.
How in the fuck did we make it?
You know what I mean?
'Cause the Black man been through
so motherfucking much,
the white, you could just talk about shit,
talk about white people all day,
and they'll say, "I understand."
"I really understand. I get it."
"I understand."
But the Black man is a bad motherfucker
in America. You hear me? You know?
A bad motherfucker.
To start on zero and still win,
you a bad motherfucker.
That's why we need Mayor Hogsett.
Yeah, he like the people,
know what I mean?
We need a... an abolitionist with us.
We need a white Frederick Douglass
right here in Indianapolis.
"Come on! Hurry up!"
"Here they come! Get out of here!"
My man Andr Carson,
straight out of the hood.
Got a seat at the... on the...
At the White House.
That's some good shit right there.
My man Amp Harris,
man been throwing parties and
helping the community forever.
My man "Boom Boom" Mancini,
good brother right there.
Straight out of the community,
straight out of the hood. Mike Jones.
My man Red Slaughter right there.
The Bradley family, you know what I mean?
All my brothers and sisters,
the whole east side, Haughville.
'Cause I know y'all seen my new
Netflix TV show, you know what I mean?
Based out of Indianapolis.
Monty was like, "Yeah, I see you got
you a new show with Tommy Davidson."
I said, "That's Wanda Sykes."
Yeah, 'cause these
little young dudes, man. They... Woof!
They need some help.
That's what they need.
Yeah.
'Cause these little kids
are disrespectful nowadays.
Little motherfuckers.
Like I said, the grandmas is different,
you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, the fucking grandmas is different,
man, shit.
Remember, back in the day,
them grandmas in our neighborhood...
You catch eye contact with an old lady,
she say, "Go to the store for me."
Oh shit. Now you gotta follow
this old-ass lady in the house.
House hot as hell.
"Let me show you. It cost $1.89."
"Come here. I'm gonna show you what it is.
Come on up here."
"Reach up there
and get that out of there right there."
"It's back there by the orange juice."
"And... and baby, get you something."
"Get you something."
"I'm gonna get me something.
You might not get all your shit."
That's what I do to old ladies around.
I take their money.
Yeah, that's some real shit, man.
But I love telling jokes,
know what I mean?
I can't see myself
doing anything else, you know?
Yeah. These little young dudes
around here, they are scary, you know.
I was at a gas station the other day.
Some young dudes was sitting in the car.
I know they was talking
'cause they was laughing.
I was like, "What the fuck is fun... ".
Soon as I walked back,
'cause I have some braids.
Motherfucker was like,
"Tight braid head ass." I was like...
I heard it, but I was like,
"Fuck them motherfuckers."
I just went in the gas station.
Man, I walk out,
and I hear another motherfucker,
"Big short ass."
I said, "Oh hell no."
I walk up to the car, I look down across,
say, "Little motherfucker! Let me tell...".
And when I look,
they had a machine gun in the back seat.
I said, "God bless you, little brother.
Y'all have a good day. Take it easy."
Let me get the fuck away from here, shit.
That was a good thing
Dave Chappelle did.
But I wouldn't advise a motherfucker
that ain't got no money to do it.
Fuck around
and say something about the LGBTQTs.
You better have some money.
Say the wrong shit about them,
them fuckers be outside.
"Fuck Mike Epps!"
"Fuck Mike Epps!"
"Fuck Mike Epps!"
And mean it too.
I tell men all the time, "Hey, man."
"Don't be angry about gay people."
"'Cause if you too angry,
it look like you hiding something."
They don't bother me, no.
I see them all time.
I'll see 'em at the airport...
"Mike Epps!"
I was like, "Calm down.
First of all, calm down."
"Stop making all the goddamn noise
so everybody see us over here."
"I wanna take a picture with you."
I said, "I'm taking a picture, man."
I'm looking around. I was like, "Man."
We finna take the picture.
Everything cool.
Something told me look down, so I looked.
He taking a picture looking.
I said, "No, nigga.
We ain't taking that picture right there."
"With your face looking at me,
nigga, we ain't doing that one."
He finna have me
on Entertainment Tonight, nigga.
I got married again, you know.
I got a new wife, you know.
Hope I don't fuck this one up, you know.
Yeah, man,
being married is a motherfucker, man.
Especially when you're in show business.
'Cause pussy just fall out the sky.
Hey, hey!
You gotta step over.
"Excuse me, pussy. I'm gone."
"Gonna fuck my life up."
I love being Black, man.
If I died and came back, I still wanna
be a nigga. Ain't that something?
Look at the white people.
"You sure you wanna do that again?"
You goddamn right.
It's hard being Black, but it's fair,
'cause when you Black in America,
shit, you know you start off on zero,
you know what I mean?
You don't never start off on ten,
you know.
You need people that started off on ten
to help your zero ass.
You know what I mean?
So, yeah, it's hard being Black.
Black people been through
so motherfucking much that
white people, if you talk about them,
they'll just say, "I understand."
"Go ahead. Go right ahead."
"You guys, it's unfair. Go right ahead."
"I understand."
Yeah, shit.
African-American,
shit, 'cause everybody
got somewhere to go but us.
If the Mexican get mad,
he can go back to Mexico.
If... if... Yeah.
If the Asian get mad,
he can go back to Asia.
If we get mad, we ain't got
no motherfucking where to go.
I thought it was Africa until I went.
Motherfucker was like,
"You are not one of my real brothers."
I was like, "What?"
"Yes, my brother.
You are not one of my brothers."
"You are very lazy."
"You do not take advantage
of your education."
I said,
"Can you drive this cab a little faster?"
"And get some deodorant immediately...
With your over-educated, underpaid ass."
Everybody think they going to heaven,
and they're not.
God knows your crooked Christian ass.
And if anybody ever left here before you
and went to heaven,
I don't care if it's your mama,
your daddy, brother, sister, cousin...
They went so you could get in.
'Cause you wasn't getting in.
You wasn't invited.
It's who you know.
As soon as you get to heaven, man,
the pearly gates are standing there
and everybody wanna get in.
It's like a club. You can't get in.
Everybody's trying to get in.
The big bodyguards are standing there,
and Jesus come out like a promoter.
He let all the bad bitches in.
"Let her in."
"Them two right there.
Let that girl in right there."
"Let the two girls."
"Oh, I'll text you."
Yeah.
You wasn't going to heaven.
But all them Black ghetto mothers
in heaven,
they've been letting their sons in.
They got a side door up there.
Them Black mothers been lettin' them,
"Come on, baby, come on. Get in here!"
"You smell like weed. Come on!"
"Put the wings on. Put the wings on."
"Zip it up. Flap, flap!"
"Act like you're a angel."
I love y'all, Indianapolis.
God bless y'all.
I'll see you motherfuckers on Netflix.
Naptown!
I need the mayor,
Joe Hogsett, to come to the stage.
I'm proud to declare November 20, 2021
as Mike Epps Day
in the city of Indianapolis!
And last but not least.
I need.
Congressman Andr Carson
to come to the stage.
You will be etched
in the Congressional Record
of the United States Congress forever,
acknowledging your contributions
as a comedian,
producer,
actor, entrepreneur,
and most importantly a Hoosier.
We love you, Mike.
I'm putting you on notice.
We need a street named after Mike Epps.
We got Coach Mike Woodson
in the house tonight!
Mike Woodson!
My man, Woody, right there, man.
Straight out of Indianapolis, yo.
I-I just, I like,
I just wanna thank you, you know.
And thank all my friends and family.
I love you all, man.
Thank you. Uh...
I'm grateful, man.
I'm grateful... I'm grateful that
I can come back home like this.
Everybody can't come home.
You know what I mean?
So to be able to come home,
this means everything to me, y'all,
and I really appreciate it.
Does anybody have a Backwood out there
that I can...
Indianapolis, what's up?
This was real important to Mike Epps
to come back to Indianapolis,
to represent and put his city on the map.
Get on your feet!
Put your hands together
for Mike Epps!
Hey!
What's up, downtown?
Yeah!
Three-one-seven!
Where the sexy ladies at?
Who ain't got no panties on?
Some guys yelled too when I said,
"Who ain't got no panties on?" over there.
Better not be over there naked,
nigga, up under them jeans.
What's up, Naptown!
Yeah.
We on the Avenue tonight, y'all.
We on the Avenue.
Yeah. The Madame CJ Walker Building, man.
Yeah, we on the Avenue, man.
Everybody's mama got lied to
on this street before back in the day.
This the Ave right here.
Yeah, we in motherfucking Naptown.
Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Shit.
Yeah, man. Everybody's mama got lapped.
My mama and daddy met on this street
at a club called Place to Play.
Y'all too young for that, yeah.
That's... Yeah, that's where
it was going down
at the Place to Play, nigga.
The Avenue, nigga.
Ain't nobody got no COVID in here,
do they? Shit.
They all on my ass.
Little fake COVID card motherfuckers.
Yeah, that COVID is some bullshit, man,
you know.
Fuckers talking about taking the shot.
I-I don't know what the fuck to do.
That shit is...
they trying to scare you with the shit.
- "- Go ahead and take it.
- Got a pill now."
I went on and got it. I said, "Fuck it."
I went and got the motherfucker. Shit.
Yeah, I went on and got it.
When they start talking about
cutting my shit off Netflix,
I said, "Here! Where you gonna hit it at?
Put it in."
I said, "Hit me in the ass with it.
Hit me... Hit me... ".
I thought I had it, I-I did.
I thought I had it.
I went to the doctor.
He said, "That ain't what I said."
I said, "What'd you say?"
He said, "I told you, you tested positive
for cocaine on the 19th."
I said, "I didn't hear you.
Didn't hear what you said."
"All I heard was 19."
See, niggas don't wanna take the shot.
The best way to get niggas
to take that shot is put it in flavors.
"That motherfucker pi...
That-that pineapple Moderna, nigga!"
"Shit!"
"That watermelon Pfizer!"
"Nigga, yeah. I'm on my ninth shot, man."
"You know they got the mango
coming down next month, man."
We got the Mayor Hogsett in the house.
Y'all, give it up for Mayor Hogsett!
Mayor Hogsett!
Me and him was drinking all day today.
That's what I like about him.
He don't give a fuck.
He be on the commercials lit as hell.
"Get another drink
and go deal with these idiots."
Mayor Hogsett, y'all.
Give him a round of applause.
We got a lot of great people in the house.
Andr Carson, y'all.
Andr Carson! Andr Carson!
From the hood, from the hood!
You hear me.
Yeah, man.
That's how we doing it in Indiana, shit.
Yeah, man.
We got a lot of great people in the house.
We got the hood mama,
Miss Bimery in the house!
Give it up for Miss Bimery!
She done helped all kind of niggas
get out of jail around the neighborhood.
She one of them Black women,
if the police got you on the car,
she'll come down there,
"What the fuck did he do?"
"Get the fuck out of his face."
"You better not hurt him, motherfucker."
"We'll be down there to get you, baby."
Nigga in the backseat,
"Go tell my mama I love her, Miss Bimery."
We in Indiana, man. This where niggas come
to get white girls at.
This is where Black men come
and get white girls at in Indiana.
There be a brother in Brownsburg
with a white girl, "I got a white girl."
"Yeah, I'm down here in Brownsburg
right now, know what I mean?"
"Me and my white girl
got us a trailer park, you know."
"Nigga named Dewayne."
Yeah. All the brothers in here
with a white girl right now,
you had your ticket two months ago.
Them white girls don't play,
"We're gonna enjoy your show."
"You're enjoy yourself.
We're gonna get your tickets."
"We're gonna call your friends."
Black women will buy the ticket
and won't tell you they got it.
And be punking you
all through the motherfucking house.
"You still wanna go
to that show, don't you?"
"Better watch your motherfucking mouth."
"You won't be going."
"You can clean the whole garage."
You know, if you got COVID-19,
you can eat a stranger out.
'Cause you ain't gonna smell it
or taste it.
If a woman's coochie stank,
does that mean the kid's gonna be bad?
I mean, they did come
from a bad environment.
Fellas, never date a woman
who don't respect your wife.
I said that wrong.
I didn't mean to say that.
Yeah, this is a union, bitch.
Ladies, you ever just look
at your man sometime and just say,
"I just let anybody fuck."
Where the fat vegans at?
Any fat vegans in here tonight?
Them is some lying motherfuckers,
them fucking fat vegans.
"I don't eat that,
I don't eat that, I don't... Uh-uh, uh-uh."
"Have you read what's in that?
I don't eat that, I don't eat..."
You eating something, motherfucker.
I got a cousin. She's 700 lbs.
She called me crying the other day.
I said, "What's wrong?"
"They snatching women
in the neighborhood."
I said, "And what are you worried about?"
"Ain't gonna snatch nothing around you."
"You might get forklift
off one these streets."
Anyway, she been running down the street
where the women been getting snatched.
She's jogging down the street,
looking in car, trying to get snatched.
She's looking in the car.
She running through the park.
She waving at cars.
'Cause you know how
them big girls, they run real slow.
The van that been...
That been snatching the women
rolled past her five fucking times
the other night.
I told her, "What does that tell you?"
"They didn't see me."
I said, "How in the fuck
did they not see... They seen you."
How can somebody not see
a-a circle on the corner?
A big Cheerio standing there
on the corner, and ain't nobody see you.
Anyway, she got snatched. They ended up...
I think they snatched her last Thursday
or something like that.
Yeah, they snatched her.
I talked to the detective.
He said, "Mr. Epps, she got in the van."
Yeah, she got in the van.
As soon as they stopped, she got in...
It's a lot of young girls in here
with some old men in here now. I-I...
Just sprinkled off in here.
I'll see your AARP card lit up.
When you see them old men walk
like Mr. Ricky, walk like that.
He tired of you hiding him.
You take him to one of them events?
Not a event, a "e-vent."
"You gonna stop hiding me.
Shit, I'm ready to be seen."
She be walking up front.
"Come on, Mr. Ricky. Hurry up."
Mr. Ricky, "Everybody know
we're together now. You cut the bullshit."
When Mr. Ricky get mad
and she say the wrong thing
and he turn around, he gonna say,
"Look, bitch. Let me tell you something."
He done put that spin on it
like it was a-a-a...
"Look here, let me tell you something.
Don't you ever in your fucking life!"
Yeah, well shit.
I like Indiana 'cause
everybody play basketball out here.
Everybody can play ball a little bit.
A little bit, you know.
We got the Indiana Pacers in the house.
Give it up for the Indiana Pacers!
Pacers!
Yeah, them my niggas right there,
them Pacers!
Yeah.
I tried it, yeah. Everybody in Indiana
thought they was going pro.
End up going to prison.
You ought to see them niggas playing ball
in the penitentiaries in Indiana.
Boy, them niggas is some bad niggas.
Yeah, real shit.
And I used to make the team.
I used to make the team.
And then when them report cards come out,
over with.
The coach say, "Yeah, man."
"You might be able to play
that last game we got
against Manual coming up."
Yeah, I used to just shoot the ball.
Coach be mad.
Everybody be lining up
just cussing motherfuckers out.
"I don't give a damn.
You need to get back on defense!"
And when he got to me, he said,
"You are not Reggie Miller."
I was like, "Fuck basketball.
I ain't playing this shit."
Everybody in Indiana can play ball,
and when you see a nigga
that's pigeon-toed,
that got a booty up high,
them niggas can dunk right there.
Nigga that's pigeon-toed, booty up high,
nigga can jump out the ceiling.
That's how you do it.
"Throw the ball up here.
Throw it up here!"
One of them pigeon-toed niggas,
"Throw that ball up here. Throw it up!"
Jumping out the ceiling!
Shit.
Yeah, that's real.
I see a lot of white people.
I wanna tell you,
y'all are about to be extinct in a minute.
'Cause you're not fucking enough.
White people, no, they don't fuck enough.
They only got two kids to a house.
Black people, we fucking.
I don't give a fuck.
You can put us in prison.
We gonna get the guard pregnant.
"Come here. Put your ass
up against the bars."
White people,
they be thinking about their money.
"I can't come in you right now, honey."
"I have to get our stocks and bonds up
before I bust in you."
Niggas don't give a fuck.
We don't give a fuck.
We can be poor on welfare.
"Yeah, let's bring this poor baby
in the world."
All the motherfucking women
that's feeding their kids Popeyes chicken,
them niggas is going to the NFL.
You want your baby to go pro?
Eat Popeyes while you pregnant.
He's going pro.
All them NFL players,
their mama and daddy is 5 foot 2.
They 6'8", 399 pounds.
Motherfuckers was eating Popeyes
when they was in the stomach.
Big breasts.
Chicken wing, that butter biscuit.
Yeah, that's some good shit right there.
Yeah, I love Indianapolis, man.
This is a...
A good, cold motherfucker right here.
It's good and cold, you know what I mean?
Everybody here been to jail at least once.
I got my lawyer in here right now
from 1992.
Where you at, Jeff?
Put your hand up, Jeff Baldwin.
Jeff Baldwin stand up.
You got so many niggas out of prison,
it don't matter.
I was facing 20 to 50 years.
Jeff told me, "It don't look good, Mike."
"It don't look good, Mike.
I'm telling you that right now."
But that's good, man.
When you got a real lawyer,
know what I mean?
Not one of them
fake-ass public pretenders.
You in jail, and they never been to jail,
and here come some young motherfucker,
"Okay, sign your name right here."
"Let's get it over with.
You wanna get out, right?"
Yeah.
Marion County Jail,
that motherfucker right there, shit.
I seen Mike Tyson one time.
I was like, "Mike."
He was like, "Where you from?"
I said, "Indianapolis."
He was like, "Oh shit!"
He was like, "I don't never wanna go
to that motherfucker, right there."
I remember one time I had a girl
come from out of town. She came here.
Got her some White Castles and shit.
She jumped off the plane. "I'm hungry."
"Oh, Indianapolis. I love Naptown."
I took it, "I'm hungry
Let's get some food."
I took her to White Castle.
She was eating them little hamburgers.
She was...
Onion rings.
I called the next morning,
she in the hospital over...
In fucking Wilshire, she over there.
They pumping her stomach.
She said,
"What the fuck was in them hamburgers?"
She said, "The doctor said
I almost died last night."
She said, "Fuck that shit."
Yeah, that's some real shit.
I know during the pandemic,
that was some scary shit.
Everybody was stuck in the house.
You go to the fucking grocery store,
everybody looking at each other crazy.
"You ain't got it, do you?"
Walking through the grocery store,
ain't no motherfucking toilet paper,
all soap.
I said, "They...
Yeah, they wiping their ass,
but they ain't washing it."
There's some funky booty niggas
out here somewhere.
That shit was crazier than a motherfucker.
Dr. Fauci on the fucking TV every day
scaring motherfuckers.
"Well, this is the problem."
"I know that in two months
we're gonna be okay, all right?"
Niggas like, "Two months?"
People that ain't never
been locked down before,
they was going crazy.
It was just good for everybody
that been to jail. It was like, "Yeah."
"Gonna get my little noodles out,"
you know what I mean.
"My crackers,
gonna make me a slam. Sit back."
"Chop them little beef jerkies down
in there with the cheese and shrimp."
Look at the jail niggas.
They know about that.
They know about
that little jail tray right there.
Yeah, that shit was crazy.
Wasn't nobody having fun but the scammers.
All the PPP loan-thieving motherfuckers,
they was on
Instagram and Facebook like this.
Look at these stealing motherfuckers on...
People that had jobs was praying.
"This too shall pass."
Yeah.
If you stealing fucking money,
you know what I mean, from thin air?
Fuck it. Take it.
Fuck 'em. Take the money. All the money
they ain't took from you. Fuck 'em.
Take the fucking money.
Just don't be buying no shoes
and belts and shit with it.
Buy you some land. Buy you some
property and some, yeah...
...with that stolen-ass money.
Buy you some houses
'cause you gonna need it when you get out
'cause you gonna get some time.
They're gonna lock your ass up.
You going to jail.
That's fucked up. You gotta get
your teeth fixed when you stealing.
Anything you doing wrong,
get your teeth fixed
and your health right.
So at least you'd be healthy in there.
Every time you buy a belt,
that tooth you ain't fixed is in the back,
shaking his head saying,
"Look at this motherfucker
buying another belt."
"My tooth been back here
smelling like shit for two years."
"And you buying another belt, nigga?"
I decided to sell drugs.
I was the worst drug dealer
you ever seen in your fucking life.
Yeah, you know.
You gotta be a certain type
of motherfucker to sell drugs, you know?
I was just, you know,
I walk up to the car
with my hand like this.
Fuckers just hit my hand and ride off.
Okay, that's the first sign.
Get a fucking job.
You know.
I remember one time,
'cause I had a gift of gab,
I was talking to this drug dealer.
Motherfucker gave me half a kilo.
I was like, "Hey!"
"I'll see you next week."
"Okay, all right, yeah."
I didn't know who to sell it to.
Man, I sat on that man's shit
for two months.
He was looking for me.
That's the worst feeling in the world.
When you owe a drug dealer? Shit.
Everybody in the hood be telling,
"You know Big Tony looking for you, man."
"Yeah, I seen him. Yeah, I know
where he's at. I talked to him."
"You ain't talked to him, nigga.
He looking for you."
And the other drug dealers
be helping him catch you and shit.
You be at Foot Locker buying some shoes.
"Yeah, he up here
buying some Jordans right now."
"With your money, Big Tony."
"Hold him there. Stall him, stall him!"
"Stall him!"
That's the worst feeling
when you owe a big drug dealer some money.
You sitting there shooting dice,
and he walk up. And you like, "Uh."
"Hey, what's up, Big Tony?"
He like, "What am I gonna say
to this nigga right here?"
I remember I was at this place
called the Epicurean, know what I mean?
It's an old after-hour joint,
right there off Sutherland,
back in the day, in the '90s.
And I used to take my jacket
and put the cocaine down in my jacket,
so when the police checked me,
they didn't find it.
And I'm at the Epicurean shooting dice.
It ain't nothing but old men in there,
old gamblers and shit.
They in there shooting dice.
They got signs on the wall.
"No drugs."
"No guns."
That's all that's in there.
Everything on the wall they say,
"No, don't have it,"
it's in there already.
I'm shooting the dice.
I threw the dice,
and all the dope came out.
All the old men, "Ah!"
One of the old dudes,
"Get your ass outta here. What the hell?!"
When I got outside, he said,
"How much you want for two of them?"
Yeah.
During the pandemic,
I'm telling you, shit,
that motherfucking COVID
shut down everything but child support.
That's the only thing kept rolling,
that child support kept rolling.
When you pay the child support that I pay,
you be mean to your kids.
"Shut the fucking door!"
"Dad, got straight As."
"I don't give a fuck!"
That's the only thing that kept rolling
was child support
'cause I called down there.
I called down there.
Yeah, I told the lady,
"Do you see what's going on in the world?"
"You keep sending
fucking child support bills here, bitch."
"Do you see the world's ending?"
She said, "We don't have anything
to do with that, Mr. Epps."
"You better get rich or die trying."
I told her,
"Fuck you. Go get the manager."
"I don't wanna talk to you. You don't own
the fucking child support place."
Yeah, shit.
During the pandemic, I was watching
The Verzus. That was pretty good.
Yeah, the best one was
Bobby Brown and-and Keith Sweat.
I thought Bobby Brown was fittin' to die,
but that nigga...
I said,
"They better get a paramedic out there
for this fat ass on the side
of that motherfucking building."
I love Bobby Brown, though.
I love Bobby Brown.
Yeah, yeah, shit.
Keith Sweat came out there
with that little Aladdin jacket on.
He got a permanent hunch in his back
from fucking aunties in the '80s.
He fucked over 300 aunties
in his whole career.
He might've got your auntie.
He was at Faces.
Mike Jones and Tandy,
all them niggas was at Faces.
There's a lot
of young grandmas out here, y'all.
These grandmas nowadays, oh my God.
They ain't... y'all not gonna be like
our grandmas now.
Don't forget.
Our grandmas was listening
to Natalie Cole.
Y'all listening to Megan Thee Stallion.
So you know what kind of grandma
that's gonna be.
"Baby, we was twerking
like a motherfucker."
"I had niggas in my DMs
like a motherfucker."
"Me and Rose went to a Cardi B concert."
"We had a ball."
"Not Rose."
"Me and Laquisha went, though."
"Remember 90-years-old Laquisha."
"Me and Laquisha had a ball, bitch."
Eighty-three-year-old peaches.
Yeah, that's some real shit, man,
you know?
All these beautiful ladies in here.
If you beautiful and you know it,
make some noise.
Come on.
Yeah, where's your confidence at?
Where's your confidence at?
If you beautiful and don't know it,
make some noise.
Okay, one dumb broad right there.
Just...
She had to say something.
I thought she didn't know it.
If you're not beautiful at all...
But your confidence is through the roof,
and guys be trying to sneak and fuck you,
make some noise.
Yeah!
One guy said, "Yeah!"
Yeah!
Shut up, nigga, shit.
'Cause all the girls
that look like Beyonc,
they got money,
be sitting in the corner just quiet.
Ain't having no fun.
All the bitches that look like
Kirk Franklin, these bitches got bottles.
You got sections
and every motherfucking thing.
Yeah.
It's hard being in show business, man,
you know.
'Cause everybody wants something from you,
you know.
You wanna give it to them,
but you don't have enough.
'Cause that's fucked up, you know.
That's how Black people are.
We be all... You go to a picnic.
You be famous and shit.
Everybody be happy to see you.
There be one nigga in the corner eating
looking at you like, "Yeah."
What the fuck is wrong
with him over there?
"Yeah, I need to holler shit
for a minute for you."
Yeah.
I be walking in Indianapolis.
This is the only place I can come,
motherfuckers keep it real with me.
Everywhere I go, people be happy
to see me. "Mike Epps, Mike Epps!"
I come to Indianapolis, man,
I...
I'm in the grocery store.
Motherfuckers just walk up.
"You still telling
them corny-ass jokes up there?"
That's why the fuck I don't come back
to the area. You niggas is haters, man.
Yeah, that's some real shit, man,
you know?
Y'all got a lot of nice-looking ladies.
I tell guys all the time,
"Don't fuck a girl with Uggs on."
Girls that wear Uggs are hoes.
One, uh, uh, uh...
Yeah, that lion color Ugg?
That's...
That's a ho right there.
That sable Ugg?
Them is hoes right there.
They'll fuck you in the back of Arby's.
Big roast beef.
I remember I got robbed in Indiana
when I was young.
Niggas put me in the trunk.
They was about to kill me.
I'm telling you.
As soon as they cut the music off,
I was like...
They was like, "What?"
I was like, "Play that again."
They was like,
"You better shut the fuck up back there!"
Bill Cosby's out.
Yeah.
Yeah, see, I wanna be with Bill Cosby.
But I remember he was talking about
brothers wearing their pants sagging.
He really, you know,
he really wasn't with us.
He was, but he wasn't.
But he went down, you know.
And it was all white women
that told on him.
That's what was fucked up,
all white girls.
You seen the interviews they did.
Yeah. A bunch of white girls
told on him and shit.
I just seen him in Atlanta
about, about two weeks ago.
I seen him down there at Macy's.
He was buying some sweaters.
He had some tank tops and shit.
He had a mask. He didn't know I seen him,
but I know his little moves.
Remember from the TV show.
That's how he was turning around in there.
I told my boy, "That's Bill Cosby."
I was just fucking with him.
I walked past quick.
I said, "Where the hoes at?"
He was just, "Hey!"
"Where are the hoes?"
Bill Cosby, he was knocking out
all white women, though.
It was all white girls.
You seen the white girls on the interview.
They told on Bill.
He was knocking out all white girls.
Poor white women, he was knocking 'em...
"Oh, Bill!"
He tried to knock some Black women out,
but they drink every night.
Tolerance too high.
He put four pills in a Black girl's drink.
She talkin' about, "What?
Something supposed to be wrong with me?"
"You're gonna be dead, bitch,
all the pills I just put
in your motherfucking drink."
They locking all the Black men up,
you know what I mean?
Fucking Weinstein.
He thought he was gonna get off
'cause he was sick.
Every time he come to court,
he couldn't walk. He like this...
They said, "Get on in here. We got a...".
"We got a medical ward in the prison too."
"You going to jail, white boy."
R. Kelly man, damn.
What a singing motherfucker, oh man.
Singing-ass nigga right there.
Who was gonna beat R. Kelly in The Verzus?
Nobody.
No, I'll tell you who would've beat him.
A judge.
A judge would have tore his ass up.
Yeah, that's some real shit.
'Cause I'm from Indiana.
You know how this town can be, right?
But I'm gonna be honest.
I'm so tired of acting like
I don't like white people.
I only do it in front of Black people.
White people, if you heard
some of the shit I said about you
when I was around Black people...
And then I go back to my gated community
and hug my neighbor Bob and his wife Cindy
and tell him, "I love you, Bob."
I'm a fake-ass nigga, y'all.
Soon as Black people get some money,
they don't wanna be around Black people.
"Nuh-uh, get them niggas away from me.
I don't deal with no Black people."
"Fuck that shit."
"Niggas are so dinky."
"Them some niggas?
Get them niggas away from here."
"I don't deal with no niggas."
Yeah, that's some real shit,
man, you know.
See all these young girls in here.
Young girls, y'all need to hang with
nothing but Tina Turners, older women
from Haughville.
Tina Turners and-and
Betty Wrights.
Older women know how
to ask you for something.
Young women don't know how to ask
for no money after they gave you coochie.
Older women know how to ask
for that money.
This how an older woman
ask for some money.
"I was wondering, since we spent
a couple hours together,
seemed like you enjoyed yourself."
"If you have it on your heart
to do something nice for me
so I can get my nails and my toes done,
a few other things."
How you gonna tell this motherfucker no
if she done said shit like this?
This is how young girls ask for money.
"You still gonna do
what you said you gonna do, OG?"
"I gotta give you $200
and take an antibiotic?"
"Bitch, don't come back.
I don't give a fuck."
Yeah, that's some real shit.
"Period." That's what young girls say.
"Period."
"Per..."
I can't get with the young audience.
"Period!"
And my kids, they just dance.
I'm talking about these young kids
with these dances and shit.
"Stop fucking moving around me!"
One of my daughters did it like...
I'm like,
"Hey! That ain't no dance, is it?"
"This shit right here?"
That'd got you hit
in your eye back in the day.
Acting like you finna hit a motherfucker.
Yeah, man, I grew up in Indianapolis,
you know what I mean.
Busting fire hydrants and shit.
Going to free lunch programs
at School 48.
Yeah.
The, uh, Diagnostic Center.
I love everything about Indianapolis.
This is a beautiful town right here, man.
This city right here
definitely made me, man.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Yeah, this show was dedicated
to my mother and father.
I lost both of them last year,
you know what I mean? So...
They are real Indianapolis natives.
Mary Reed, Tommy Epps.
My father worked at Navistar for 40 years.
Yeah, my mother used to work at Blocks.
Yeah.
You remember Blocks?
Yeah!
- You remember them big Spiegel's catalogs?
- Yeah!
You'd be ordering shit out of there, yeah.
That's good old Indianapolis
right there for you, man.
Sammy Terry. Ooh!
"Good evening and welcome to Sammy Terry."
He used to have me
with my underwear, "Ah!"
"Sammy Terry gonna get you!"
That's how my mother made me go to bed.
"Sammy Terry gonna get you."
Yeah, man.
Everybody don't know about Indianapolis,
but it's more than corn here.
You know what I mean?
Real smart, intelligent,
educated people, man,
and some real good hustlers.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
I learned how to hustle here, you know?
Yeah. 'Cause I used to sell candy,
but I hated going on 30th and Clifton
'cause they'd take the box.
I know everybody in here personally.
So I'm in here. All this
Hollywood shit I'm doing
is for the cameras.
Yeah.
My dad, Tommy Epps, he used to hang
at The Grand all the time, you know.
Yeah, he used to hang at The Grand.
That was his spot.
One time I was in jail.
I was in jail,
'cause, you know, I was young.
You know when you young and Black,
you know,
the older guys get out of prison.
They sell prison to you real good,
you know.
"I was up there in Pendleton for two years
and then another three years."
"Then I did five years down in Wabash."
They make it sound good. You like,
"I gotta go. Shit, I gotta go check this."
"I gotta check this shit out."
Yeah, I was in jail one time.
I was telling my dad
'cause I ran into an OG.
He was talking good.
He was talking about the white man.
"Yeah, the white man
is the reason why you in here."
I was thinking, I was like,
"No, I did that shit."
He caught me. The white man caught me.
And he was an OG.
He was sitting there telling me
about all this shit, and I called my dad.
I was like,
"Dad, man, I'm in here with a dude."
"He is so smart, this dude. Oh God."
"He is a real OG."
My dad was like, "Yeah, shit."
"He ain't too smart.
He's in there with you."
I was like, "All right, Dad. I gotta go.
They about to cut the phones off. Bye."
Yeah, my dad had a good sense of humor.
One day he called me.
He was talking about some kids
that robbed the bank.
He was like, "Yeah, some motherfuckers
robbed a bank in Indiana and shit."
He said, "Man...".
He said, "The news people asked the kids
'What made you do that?'"
He said,
"One of the kids said, 'Shit, man,
we was watching Heat
and we just said,
we just said, fuck it.'"
My dad said,
"Shit, they must've not watched
the ending of that motherfucker."
Now, they got fucked up!
Yeah, shit.
My mother, she used to go
to them fucking PTA meetings.
Them teachers be lying on you and shit.
You ever see your mother
talking to a teacher
and you just looking at your mother like...
"I'm gonna tear your ass up later on."
Yeah.
My mother used to talk about
she was gonna kick the teacher's ass.
"I'm gonna let that bitch know.
I'm gonna let her have it."
And get up here and be nice.
"Okay, bye-bye, excellent."
"Get your ass in the car!" I'm like,
"What the fuck did she tell you?"
Yeah.
And see, now that I'm grown, man,
I got my life together,
I like admitting shit, you know.
I mean, it ain't quite together.
You know.
But, you know,
I ain't doing what I used to do.
You know what I mean?
To be from Indianapolis,
you know what I mean,
to come up
out of this motherfucker right here?
This is a bad boy right here.
You don't know it 'cause you live here.
You don't go nowhere.
I mean, some of y'all do,
but this is a bad motherfucker right here.
You know.
No... no high school, uh, diploma.
You know, three felonies.
Food stamps.
Kaboom cereal.
King Vitamin.
How in the fuck did we make it?
You know what I mean?
'Cause the Black man been through
so motherfucking much,
the white, you could just talk about shit,
talk about white people all day,
and they'll say, "I understand."
"I really understand. I get it."
"I understand."
But the Black man is a bad motherfucker
in America. You hear me? You know?
A bad motherfucker.
To start on zero and still win,
you a bad motherfucker.
That's why we need Mayor Hogsett.
Yeah, he like the people,
know what I mean?
We need a... an abolitionist with us.
We need a white Frederick Douglass
right here in Indianapolis.
"Come on! Hurry up!"
"Here they come! Get out of here!"
My man Andr Carson,
straight out of the hood.
Got a seat at the... on the...
At the White House.
That's some good shit right there.
My man Amp Harris,
man been throwing parties and
helping the community forever.
My man "Boom Boom" Mancini,
good brother right there.
Straight out of the community,
straight out of the hood. Mike Jones.
My man Red Slaughter right there.
The Bradley family, you know what I mean?
All my brothers and sisters,
the whole east side, Haughville.
'Cause I know y'all seen my new
Netflix TV show, you know what I mean?
Based out of Indianapolis.
Monty was like, "Yeah, I see you got
you a new show with Tommy Davidson."
I said, "That's Wanda Sykes."
Yeah, 'cause these
little young dudes, man. They... Woof!
They need some help.
That's what they need.
Yeah.
'Cause these little kids
are disrespectful nowadays.
Little motherfuckers.
Like I said, the grandmas is different,
you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, the fucking grandmas is different,
man, shit.
Remember, back in the day,
them grandmas in our neighborhood...
You catch eye contact with an old lady,
she say, "Go to the store for me."
Oh shit. Now you gotta follow
this old-ass lady in the house.
House hot as hell.
"Let me show you. It cost $1.89."
"Come here. I'm gonna show you what it is.
Come on up here."
"Reach up there
and get that out of there right there."
"It's back there by the orange juice."
"And... and baby, get you something."
"Get you something."
"I'm gonna get me something.
You might not get all your shit."
That's what I do to old ladies around.
I take their money.
Yeah, that's some real shit, man.
But I love telling jokes,
know what I mean?
I can't see myself
doing anything else, you know?
Yeah. These little young dudes
around here, they are scary, you know.
I was at a gas station the other day.
Some young dudes was sitting in the car.
I know they was talking
'cause they was laughing.
I was like, "What the fuck is fun... ".
Soon as I walked back,
'cause I have some braids.
Motherfucker was like,
"Tight braid head ass." I was like...
I heard it, but I was like,
"Fuck them motherfuckers."
I just went in the gas station.
Man, I walk out,
and I hear another motherfucker,
"Big short ass."
I said, "Oh hell no."
I walk up to the car, I look down across,
say, "Little motherfucker! Let me tell...".
And when I look,
they had a machine gun in the back seat.
I said, "God bless you, little brother.
Y'all have a good day. Take it easy."
Let me get the fuck away from here, shit.
That was a good thing
Dave Chappelle did.
But I wouldn't advise a motherfucker
that ain't got no money to do it.
Fuck around
and say something about the LGBTQTs.
You better have some money.
Say the wrong shit about them,
them fuckers be outside.
"Fuck Mike Epps!"
"Fuck Mike Epps!"
"Fuck Mike Epps!"
And mean it too.
I tell men all the time, "Hey, man."
"Don't be angry about gay people."
"'Cause if you too angry,
it look like you hiding something."
They don't bother me, no.
I see them all time.
I'll see 'em at the airport...
"Mike Epps!"
I was like, "Calm down.
First of all, calm down."
"Stop making all the goddamn noise
so everybody see us over here."
"I wanna take a picture with you."
I said, "I'm taking a picture, man."
I'm looking around. I was like, "Man."
We finna take the picture.
Everything cool.
Something told me look down, so I looked.
He taking a picture looking.
I said, "No, nigga.
We ain't taking that picture right there."
"With your face looking at me,
nigga, we ain't doing that one."
He finna have me
on Entertainment Tonight, nigga.
I got married again, you know.
I got a new wife, you know.
Hope I don't fuck this one up, you know.
Yeah, man,
being married is a motherfucker, man.
Especially when you're in show business.
'Cause pussy just fall out the sky.
Hey, hey!
You gotta step over.
"Excuse me, pussy. I'm gone."
"Gonna fuck my life up."
I love being Black, man.
If I died and came back, I still wanna
be a nigga. Ain't that something?
Look at the white people.
"You sure you wanna do that again?"
You goddamn right.
It's hard being Black, but it's fair,
'cause when you Black in America,
shit, you know you start off on zero,
you know what I mean?
You don't never start off on ten,
you know.
You need people that started off on ten
to help your zero ass.
You know what I mean?
So, yeah, it's hard being Black.
Black people been through
so motherfucking much that
white people, if you talk about them,
they'll just say, "I understand."
"Go ahead. Go right ahead."
"You guys, it's unfair. Go right ahead."
"I understand."
Yeah, shit.
African-American,
shit, 'cause everybody
got somewhere to go but us.
If the Mexican get mad,
he can go back to Mexico.
If... if... Yeah.
If the Asian get mad,
he can go back to Asia.
If we get mad, we ain't got
no motherfucking where to go.
I thought it was Africa until I went.
Motherfucker was like,
"You are not one of my real brothers."
I was like, "What?"
"Yes, my brother.
You are not one of my brothers."
"You are very lazy."
"You do not take advantage
of your education."
I said,
"Can you drive this cab a little faster?"
"And get some deodorant immediately...
With your over-educated, underpaid ass."
Everybody think they going to heaven,
and they're not.
God knows your crooked Christian ass.
And if anybody ever left here before you
and went to heaven,
I don't care if it's your mama,
your daddy, brother, sister, cousin...
They went so you could get in.
'Cause you wasn't getting in.
You wasn't invited.
It's who you know.
As soon as you get to heaven, man,
the pearly gates are standing there
and everybody wanna get in.
It's like a club. You can't get in.
Everybody's trying to get in.
The big bodyguards are standing there,
and Jesus come out like a promoter.
He let all the bad bitches in.
"Let her in."
"Them two right there.
Let that girl in right there."
"Let the two girls."
"Oh, I'll text you."
Yeah.
You wasn't going to heaven.
But all them Black ghetto mothers
in heaven,
they've been letting their sons in.
They got a side door up there.
Them Black mothers been lettin' them,
"Come on, baby, come on. Get in here!"
"You smell like weed. Come on!"
"Put the wings on. Put the wings on."
"Zip it up. Flap, flap!"
"Act like you're a angel."
I love y'all, Indianapolis.
God bless y'all.
I'll see you motherfuckers on Netflix.
Naptown!
I need the mayor,
Joe Hogsett, to come to the stage.
I'm proud to declare November 20, 2021
as Mike Epps Day
in the city of Indianapolis!
And last but not least.
I need.
Congressman Andr Carson
to come to the stage.
You will be etched
in the Congressional Record
of the United States Congress forever,
acknowledging your contributions
as a comedian,
producer,
actor, entrepreneur,
and most importantly a Hoosier.
We love you, Mike.
I'm putting you on notice.
We need a street named after Mike Epps.
We got Coach Mike Woodson
in the house tonight!
Mike Woodson!
My man, Woody, right there, man.
Straight out of Indianapolis, yo.
I-I just, I like,
I just wanna thank you, you know.
And thank all my friends and family.
I love you all, man.
Thank you. Uh...
I'm grateful, man.
I'm grateful... I'm grateful that
I can come back home like this.
Everybody can't come home.
You know what I mean?
So to be able to come home,
this means everything to me, y'all,
and I really appreciate it.
Does anybody have a Backwood out there
that I can...