Mike Epps: Under Rated & Never Faded (2009) Movie Script
1
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HOO! HOO! HOO!
-HOO! HOO! HOO!
-HOO!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
INTENSIFY]
HOO! HOO!
HOO! HOO!
HOO! HOO! HOO! HOO! HOO!
[BEATBOXING]
[MUSIC PLAYS]
IF YOU'RE BORN AND RAISED
IN THE "D," MAKE SOME NOISE!
AND GIVE IT UP, FROM HOLLYWOOD
TO THE HOOD, FOR MY BROTHER --
MIKE EPPS!
[DRUM BEAT PLAYING]
LET'S GO!
ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT!
CABBAGE!
CABBAGE PATCH!
PAPA "C"!
PAPA "C"! PAPA "C"!
REEBOK!
I'M FUCKING IT UP.
I'M FUCKING IT UP.
-STINKY LEGS!
-STINKY LEGS!
STINKY LEGS!
STINKY LEGS!
STINKY LEGS!
STINKY LEGS!
STINKY LEGS!
DOUG E. FRESH, Y'ALL!
DOUG E. FRESH!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BIG "D"!
DOUG E. FRESH!
DETROIT, WHAT'S UP?!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SIT ON DOWN!
SIT ON DOWN!
THAT NIGGA DOUG E. FRESH SPI ALL OVER MY FUCKING FOREHEAD.
[BEATBOXING]
GODDAMN, DOUG E.
ONE MORE TIME FOR DOUG E. FRESH,
Y'ALL -- LEGENDARY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S LEGENDARY RIGHT THERE.
MAN, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD
IN THE GOVERNMENT CHECK OU HERE TONIGHT.
WE IN THE "D."
GOD DAMN IT IN THE "D"!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU WILL GET SLAPPED
OUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
YOU NIGGAS SLAP MIDGETS,
BITCHES.
NIGGA, WE ARE IN THE "D"!
I SMELL GUNPOWDER, MONEY,
AND COLOGNE.
AIN'T NOTHING BUT KILLERS
AND DEALERS OUT HERE!
I HAD TO COME TO DETROI AND DO THIS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS IS WHERE THE HITSVILLE
GO DOWN,
AIN'T IT,
IN HITSVILLE, BABY.
THAT'S RIGHT -- HITSVILLE.
STRAIGHT GANGSTER SHI AROUND HERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I WENT OVER ON 7 MILE.
THAT MOTHERFUCKER NEED LOTION
LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.
WEST SIDE! WEST SIDE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
EAST SIDE! EAST SIDE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH, THE POLICE! THE POLICE!
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
YOU KNOW THEY IN HERE.
"I'M IN HERE. I'M RIGHT HERE.
I'M RIGHT HERE!"
POLICE ALWAYS HIT YOU WITH THAT,
"AAH!"
GODDAMN, IT'S GOING DOWN.
Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS GET Y'ALL
HAIR DONE EVERY DAY.
OH, YOU BITCHES' TOES BE
FUCKED-UP, BUT HAIR BE WHIPPED!
YOU BE LIKE, "MAN, SHE'S CUTE."
DUH DUH DUH DUH
WHERE'S THE TOE BUDGET AT?
GODDAMN, IT'S GOING DOWN UP IN
THIS MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE.
LOOK AT ALL THE MARRIED MEN
CAN'T DO NOTHING TONIGHT.
MARRIED MEN JUST WHISPERING
TO HISSELF,
"GODDAMN, WHY DID I BRING
HER ASS OUT TONIGHT?
THERE'S SOME MOTHERFUCKING STARS
IN HERE TONIGHT."
YOU KNOW NIGGA'S LOOKING OU THE CORNER OF THEIR EYE
EVERY FIVE MINUTES, LOOKING
LIKE THIS EVERY FIVE MINUTES.
THIS IS THAT ONE RIGHT HERE.
"...LOOKING AT THE BITCH FOR?"
"NIGGA, AIN'T NOBODY LOOKING
AT NO BITCH."
A MAN USE ANY EXCUSE
TO LOOK AT A GIRL.
"SHE LOOK LIKE
YOUR FRIEND DENISE."
"SHE DON'T LOOK LIKE
MY MOTHERFUCKING FRIEND.
LOOK AT THE BITCH AGAIN."
"YOU GOT A PURSE LIKE THAT."
"LOOK AT THE BITCH AGAIN.
I AIN'T GOT NO MOTHERFUCKING
PURSE LIKE THAT."
MARRIED MEN
ACT TOTALLY DIFFEREN WHEN THEY BY THEIRSELF,
DON'T THEY?
YOU SEE THEM WITH THEIR WIFE.
"WHAT'S UP, TONY?"
"HEY, MAN, HOW'S EVERYTHING
GOING, BROTHER?
OH, JUST TAKING IT EASY,
HANGING OUT WITH THE OLD LADY.
ALL RIGHT, GOD BLESS YOU.
TAKE IT EASY NOW.
ALL RIGHT."
BE LIKE,
"THAT NIGGA AIN'T LIKE THAT!"
YOU SEE HIM BY HIMSELF.
"WHAT'S UP, TONY?"
"HEY, WHERE'S THE BITCHES AT,
NIGGA?!
WHERE'S THE BITCH ASS?"
"THERE YOUR GIRL."
"WHERE? WHERE SHE AT?
WHERE SHE AT?
SHE JUST PULLED UP?
SHE'S OUTSIDE?"
EVERY MAN IN HERE IS SCARED
OF THEIR FUCKING GIRL.
THESE MOTHERFUCKING WOMEN
ARE DETECTIVES.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE
SLIPPED, AND THEY GOT YOUR ASS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY'LL TELL YOU
THEY'RE GOING TO BED
AND GET UP
AND COME LOOKING FOR YOU.
"I'M GOING TO BED."
"OKAY, I LOVE YOU.
BYE. ALL RIGHT."
NIGGA THINK, "I'M GOING UP,
LOOKING FOR THIS NIGGA'S ASS.
I KNOW WHERE HE AT.
HE OVER AT CHUCKIE AND THEM'S
OVER ON FEDAY STREET.
I'M GOING TO FUCK
THIS NIGGA UP."
YOUR FRIENDS BE LOOKING OU FOR YOU.
"I THINK YOUR GIRL'S OU PROWLING.
I JUST SEEN HER CAR."
AND DON'T FALL ASLEEP, FELLAS,
BEFORE YOUR GIRL
'CAUSE THEY WILL RANSACK
YOUR SHIT.
YOU EVER FALL ASLEEP
AND WAKE UP
AND REALIZE YOU AIN'T GO THAT PHONE IN YOUR POCKET?
BE LIKE, "OH, SHIT. MY PHONE.
BABY!
WHAT ROOM YOU IN?!
THIS BITCH GOT MY PHONE.
BABY, WHAT ROOM YOU IN?
YOU SEEN YOUR MAMA?
WHERE YOUR MAMA AT?
WHERE YOUR MAMA?
BABY!"
THEY GET THAT MOTHERFUCKING
PHONE, IT IS A WRAP.
THAT'S A REAL NIGHTMARE
RIGHT THERE, DETROIT.
YOU IN A COLD SLEEP,
AND THAT'S ALL YOU HEAR --
"WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!"
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE
IT'S HAPPENING.
YOU BE LIKE, "IS THIS A DREAM?"
YOU BE LOOKING WITH YOUR EYES
SQUINTING AND SHIT.
"WHO IS THIS, NIGGA?
AIN'T NO SUN IN HERE."
NIGGA LOOKING LIKE THE SUN'S
IN HIS EYES.
"AIN'T NO SUN IN HERE.
WHO IS THIS?!"
"I DON'T KNOW."
"CALL THE BITCH."
YOU WALK AROUND THE HOUSE BUT NAKED WITH SOME UNDERWEAR ON,
CALLING BITCHES.
"YEAH, THIS IS MIKE.
UH, DON'T NEVER CALL ME AGAIN,
BITCH, YEAH.
FUCK YOU,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"
HE COULD BE LOOKING AT HIS GIRL,
TALKING,
"YEAH, BITCH, DON'T EVER CALL ME
BACK AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?"
"CALL THE OTHER BITCH.
I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YOU."
"YEAH, THIS IS MIKE.
UH, DON'T NEVER
CALL ME BACK AGAIN.
YOU FUCKING MY FAMILY UP, BITCH.
BYE."
"DON'T BE SAYING 'BYE'
AT THE END, NIGGA!
YOU'RE TRYING TO LEAVE
SOME HOPE, AIN'T YOU?
I'M CHANGING THE NUMBER
IN THE MORNING."
YOU KNOW, FUCKING WOMEN
PUT THE PRESSURE ON THE NIGGA.
THEY WANT TO FEEL YOUR BALLS
WHEN YOU COME IN THE HOUSE.
"LET ME FEEL YOUR NUTS.
YOUR NUTS FEEL EMPTY, MAN.
HOW MUCH DID THEY WEIGH
'FORE I LEFT, MAN?
"I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING WHEN YOU
HAD THAT BOTTLE OF VINEGAR
NEXT TO THE TUB."
LOOK HOW ALL THE OLD BITCHES
KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
SNAP THAT PUSSY BACK
[IMITATES WHIP]
"YEAH, I'M GONNA TIGHTEN
THIS PUSSY UP
ON THIS NIGGA TONIGHT.
TWO CAPFULS OF THIS VINEGAR."
SNAP THAT PUSSY BACK
[IMITATES WHIP]
"GIRL, I'M LOOKING
IN MY CABINET.
I DONE RAN OU OF THAT SNAP-BACK.
COME OVER.
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER THERE."
SNAP THAT PUSSY BACK
[IMITATES WHIP]
ALL THE YOUNG BITCHES
STILL DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
"WHAT'S THE VINEGAR SHI HE TALKING ABOUT?"
THEY GOING TO THE STORE
RIGHT AFTER THIS.
"WHAT AISLE'S THE VINEGAR ON,
MA'AM?"
"YOU MUST WANT TO..."
SNAP THAT PUSSY BACK
[IMITATES WHIP]
LOOK AT THEM.
THEY LIKE THAT,
DON'T THEY, FELLAS?
BUT THEY DON'T LIKE WHEN WE MAKE
THE PUSSY FART, DO THEY?
[IMITATES FARTING]
"YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY,
YOU MAKING MY PUSSY FART."
[IMITATES FARTING]
NIGGA MAKE A SONG
LIKE DOUG E. FRESH.
[BEATBOXING]
"GET UP.
YOU MAKING MY PUSSY FART."
THEY THINK THEY DONE DID
THEIR THING.
AIR DONE GOT IN THERE.
THEY LIFTED THEIR LEGS UP.
AS SOON AS THEY LE THEM LEGS DOWN.
[IMITATES FARTING]
"I'M SO SORRY."
DON'T BE SORRY.
WHICH HOLE DID THAT AIR
COME OUT OF?
'CAUSE I SMELLED STEAMED
BROCCOLI, GODDAMN IT,
NOW GET UP.
[IMITATES FARTING]
I SEEN CREAM OF WHEAT DUS COME OUT OF THERE.
[IMITATES FARTING]
AND, FELLAS, YOU GOT TO FUCK
THESE GIRLS GOOD,
'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T, THEY AIN' GONNA GIVE YOU NO PLAY.
YOU BE LIKE,
"I WONDER WHY SHE DON'T SAY
NOTHING TO ME NO MORE, MAN."
YOU SEE HER IN THE CLUB.
"WHAT'S UP?!"
SHE BE LIKE, "HEY...
SORRY-ASS MOTHERFUCKER.
TWO-SECOND-ASS, BITCH-ASS
NIGGA, WASTING MY TIME."
YOU GOT TO TEAR
THE PUSSY DOWN.
IF YOU DON'T FUCK THEM GOOD,
YOU KNOW THEY GONNA PULL OU THAT LITTLE...
[BUZZING]
LOOK AT THEM.
THEY LOVE THAT SHIT.
[BUZZING]
PUT THE MOTHERFUCKING TOY
OUT OF THE EQUATION.
YOU DONE TORE THE PUSSY DOWN.
"WATCH OUT."
[BUZZING]
THEN THE BATTERIES GO DOWN.
[LOW-PITCHED BUZZING]
YOU BE LIKE, "YEAH, BITCH.
YOU WANT TO PLAY NOW."
[LOW-PITCHED BUZZING]
SHE ALL IN THE KITCHEN,
BUTT NAKED ON HER TIPPY TOES,
LOOKING FOR BATTERIES.
"OH, MY GOD.
THE FEELING'S GOING AWAY.
I NEED SOME BATTERIES."
ALL IN THE KITCHEN DRAWERS,
"OH, MY GOD,
WHERE'S
THE MOTHERFUCKING BATTERIES?"
THEY FINALLY TAKE THE BATTERIES
OUT THE REMOTE CONTROL.
"GET THE CHANNEL
YOU GONNA WATCH.
PUT THE MOTHERFUCKING
REMOTE CONTROL DOWN.
I'M TAKING THE BATTERIES
OUT OF HERE."
[HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING]
THEY GET MAD WHEN WE GOT A PORNO
TAPE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE.
"KEEP THESE BITCHES
OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
MOTHERFUCKING FRISBEE --
THREW THE MOTHERFUCKER.
"I DON'T KNOW THEM BITCHES.
THEY LIVE IN SAN DIEGO."
WOMEN LOVE TO CATCH A NIGGA
JACKING OFF.
THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO HAVE THE
REMOTE CONTROL
RIGHT HERE ON YOUR LAP --
SO YOU CAN HIT "STOP"
AND PUT YOUR DICK
UNDER YOUR SHIRT.
"WHO IS THAT?"
SON!
THAT'S HOW WOMEN WALK IN
THE DOOR ON YOUR ASS --
JUST LIKE THIS.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN.
THIS IS HOW THEY COME AROUND
THE CORNER LIKE THIS.
"CAUGHT YOUR ASS, DIDN'T I?
SMELL FUNNY IN HERE."
"WHAT IT SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE?
MY BALLS IS OUT.
CHERRIES?"
AND, LADIES,
YOU GOT TO WATCH THESE MEN.
JUST 'CAUSE A NIGGA GOT MONEY
DON'T MEAN HE GOT HIS DICK
CUT RIGHT WHEN HE WAS A BABY.
NIGGA PULL HIS DICK OUT, AND
MOTHERFUCKER GOT A TURTLENECK.
I THINK THIS BROTHER
GOT A TURTLENECK
"GIRL, HE GOT MONEY, BUT HE GO BLANKET LINT ON HIS DICK.
WHAT DO I DO?
WHAT DO I DO?"
I'M FEELING GOOD, MOTHERFUCKER.
WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT.
CAN'T NOBODY TELL ME SHIT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I FEEL LIKE I CAN SELL WEED
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE STREET.
OBAMA SMOKE WEED.
LOOK AT THAT LITTLE WALK HE GOT.
YOU SEE THAT LITTLE WALK?
I SEEN HIM ALMOST FALL ONE TIME.
SEE, THIS NIGGA'S
A PIMP RIGHT HERE.
LIPS PURPLE -- HE SMOKING THEM
GRAPE SWISHER SWEETS?
LOOK AT HIS LIPS.
BUSH GOT ALL THE MONEY.
HE'S A ROTTEN MOTHERFUCKER,
THAT LITTLE BUSH.
OH, HE SOMEWHERE RIGHT NOW
WITH HIS SHIRT OFF,
EATING CHICKEN WINGS,
COUNTING HIS MONEY.
"OH, I RAKED UP PRETTY GOOD."
HE JUST LOOK AT YOU WITH
THAT LITTLE SMIRK LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW HOW BUSH LOOK AT YOU,
LIKE, "YOU KNOW I FUCKED YOU.
BUT WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
NOTHING!"
THEY TRIED TO FUCK
OBAMA'S OATH UP.
YOU SEE WHEN HE HAD HIS HAND UP?
HE HAD TO STOP
AND LOOK AT THE MAN LIKE,
"I'LL SLAP THE SHIT OUT YOU
UP HERE IF YOU MESS MY SHIT UP.
TRY TO READ MY OATH WITH A
NOW and LATER IN YOUR MOUTH."
YOU KNOW OBAMA'S REAL.
HE GETTING THEM
THREATENING CALLS, TOO.
HE GOT THE SAME PRESSURE
OF A NIGGA
THAT GOT 30 KILOS
IN THE BASEMENT.
[IMITATES TELEPHONE RINGING]
"HELLO?"
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, NIGGA."
"HELLO?!"
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU,
MOTHERFUCKER.
YOU THINK YOU THE SHIT."
"JESSE?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I KNOW WHO IT IS, MICHELLE.
IT'S JESSE JACKSON.
STOP PLAYING
ON MY FUCKING PHONE.
NO, YOU CAN'T COME
TO THE WHITE HOUSE, NIGGA.
TRYING TO CALL ME A BITCH
ON THE MIKE ONE NIGHT."
THEY CAUGHT JESSE'S ASS
HATING ON HIM.
"TALK ABOUT SUCK MY DICK,
NIGGA."
THEY CAUGHT JESSE.
CAUGHT YOU, DIDN'T THEY, JESSE?
HE SITTING UP THERE AT THE
INAUGURATION, CRYING,
LIKE HE JUST SO HAPPY,
LOOKING LIKE A DRUNK-ASS
PEKINESE, JUST...
"MAN, THAT SURE WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE ME.
KEEP HOPE ALIVE."
HE'S JUS A ROTTEN MOTHERFUCKER, MAN.
YOU GOT MARTIN LUTHER KING SHOT,
MAN.
POP!
"WATCH OUT, KING!
GODDAMN IT! GET OUT THE WAY!"
"JESSE, THEY WAS AFTER YOU."
"I KNOW WHO IT WAS.
I KNOW THAT.
I TRIED TO FUCK HIS WIFE.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."
AH, SHIT.
THAT FUCKING BIN LADEN --
THEY STILL CAN'T FIND HIM.
EVERY CHANCE HE GET,
HE LET THEM KNOW.
AS SOON AS OBAMA WON,
NIGGA CALL.
[Foreign accent]
"WE WON, MY NIGGA."
"WHO IS THIS?"
[Foreign accent] "IT'S
THE NIGGA YOU LOVE TO HATE.
IT'S LADI-DADI.
AND WE LIKES TO PARTY."
HE SEND HIM A TAPE
EVERY CHANCE HE GET.
[Foreign accent]
"THIS IS MY NEW VIDEO.
EXCLUSIVE.
'RHAPSODY THE BASEMENT,'
WITH MY NIGGA, BIG TIGGER."
[IMITATES ARABIC CHANTING]
[IMITATES DRUM BEAT]
GETTIN' BIN LADEN MONEY
WE GETTIN' BIN LADEN MONEY
[IMITATES ARABIC CHANTING]
WE GETTIN' BIN LADEN MONEY
JUST THINK OF ALL THEM
BUSTA RHYMES VIDEO.
[IMITATES ARABIC CHANTING]
MUSLIM WOMEN BUTT NAKED
WITH JUST THIS ON.
[IMITATES ARABIC CHANTING]
OH, MAN.
IT'S CRAZY OUT HERE, MAN.
WHITE PEOPLE,
I FEEL SORRY FOR Y'ALL.
Y'ALL KIDS WILL KILL Y'ALL...
IN A MOTHERFUCKING MINUTE.
"TIMMY, YOU'RE GROUNDED."
"AND YOU'RE DEAD, MOM BITCH!
YOU'RE FUCKING OUT OF HERE,
MAN!"
THAT'S HOW THEY ALWAYS DO
THE LEG AND THEIR FOOT --
"YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, MOM!
YOU'RE DEAD --
FUCKING DEAD AS DEAD, MAN!"
"TIMMY, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"
"YOU'RE THE FUCKING PROBLEM.
YOU'RE THE PROBLEM,
DAD'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM.
I TOLD YOU I WANT MY FUCKING
SKATEBOARD OUT THE SHOP, BITCH!"
LOOK AT WHITE PEOPLE.
"I DON'T ACT LIKE THAT.
MY SON DOESN'T DO THAT."
YOU COME HOME FROM SCHOOL,
LITTLE TIMMY IN THE GARAGE
MAKING A BOMB.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TIMMY?"
"NOTHING, MOM!
GET OUT OF HERE NOW!
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE FUCKING
OUT OF HERE!"
YOU AIN'T NEVER HEARD
OF A LITTLE BLACK KID
KILLING THEY MAMA,
HAVE YOU?
'CAUSE THERE WILL BE A SHOOTOU IN THAT MOTHER.
YOU KNOW, BLACK MOTHERS GO INSTINCTS LIKE THEY IN VIETNAM.
"WHAT YOU DOING IN THAT ROOM
SO MOTHERFUCKING LONG?
YOU NEED TO SAY SOMETHING
WHEN YOU IN THERE."
"THIS IS MY ROOM."
YOU KNOW THEM BLACK MOTHERS LOVE
JUMPING ON THEY DAUGHTERS.
THEM MAMAS AND DAUGHTERS
ALWAYS GO THAT LITTLE RIVAL THING
AFTER A WHILE.
YOU KNOW WHEN THE DAUGHTERS
START GETTING SPUNKY
WITH HER MAMA,
TELL HER TO DO SOMETHING.
"I'M-A DO IT. SHIT."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?
BITCH, I'LL KNOCK YOUR HEAD IN
BETWEEN THAT WASHER AND DRYER.
DON'T TALK
THAT MOTHERFUCKING SHIT TO ME."
YOU KNOW, BLACK MOTHERS LOVE
TO DO THAT FIRST JUMP ON.
"LET'S GET AN UNDERSTANDING
AROUND HERE, HEIFER."
AND THEN THEY CALL
AND TELL EVERYBODY.
"I HAD TO KNOCK SHANIQUA'S
MOTHERFUCKING --
I TRIED TO KICK THAT BITCH
ALL BEHIND THE DAMN
WASHER AND DRYER.
I GUESS 'CAUSE SHE GOT TITTIES
SHE THINK SHE RUNNING SOMETHING
AROUND HERE.
I HAD TO LET HER KNOW --
BUY YOUR OWN TAMPONS!
UNTIL YOU CAN BUY
YOUR OWN TAMPONS,
DON'T SAY A MOTHERFUCKING THING
TO ME.
BITCH WILL WANT TO BORROW
A TAMPON,
TALK CRAZY BACK TO A BITCH."
THEN THE NEXT TWO DAYS --
"I LOVE YOU, BABY.
WANT TO GO HAVE LUNCH?"
"YEAH, IF YOU DIDN'T BEAT ME
ALL UPSIDE THE FUCKING HEAD
AND TOLD EVERYBODY
AT THE CHURCH."
BLACK MAMAS WILL HIT YOUR ASS
ANYWHERE --
CHURCH, PARKING LOT, COURT --
ANY MOTHERFUCKING WHERE.
IF YOU EVER GET HIT, YOU BE
LOOKING TO SEE WHO SEEN IT.
BE A WHITE MAN JUST LOOKING
AT YOU LIKE THIS.
"YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL,
LITTLE BUDDY."
"YOU BETTER SHUT THE FUCK UP."
"HE'S PRETTY FEISTY, ISN'T HE?"
"YEAH, I'M-A KNOCK HIS
MOTHERFUCKING TEETH
OUT OF HIS MOUTH."
[LAUGHS]
MY MOTHER TRIED TO RAISE US
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS.
I WAS LIKE, "OH, HELL, NO.
NOT THAT.
NO FUCKING CHRISTMAS GIFTS?
FUCK THIS SHIT!"
KEEP TYING NOTES TO MY SHIRT --
"HE'S NOT TO PARTICIPATE
IN ANY ACTIVITIES."
"THIS NOTE WON'T MAKE I THIS YEAR.
I'M GETTING A FUCKING GIF THIS YEAR."
KNOCKING ON PEOPLE'S DOORS --
"DO YOU KNOW THE TRUTH?"
"GET OFF MY PORCH, BITCH."
"YEP, THE DEVIL'S IN THERE.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, KIDS."
HEY, IT'S FUCKING CRAZY
OUT HERE.
I WANT TO TURN MY LIFE OVER
TO GOD, BUT IT IS HARD AS HELL.
EVERY TIME SOMETHING HAPPEN
TO US, THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
"OH, GOD,
PLEASE DON'T DO IT TO ME, MAN.
I TELL YOU THIS IS IT, MAN.
I'M -- I'M LEAVING
THESE NIGGAS ALONE.
ALL THESE BITCHES --
I'M TELLING YOU THIS IS IT, MAN.
I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT, MAN.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN CAME TO YOU."
AS SOON AS YOU FEEL GOOD,
NIGGA, YOU'RE BACK OUT.
FUCK THESE BITCHES
I'M GONNA FUCK THESE BITCHES
GOD BE LIKE, "HE'S A LYING
MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT THERE.
LYING-ASS NIGGA.
DON'T YOU CALL ME NO MORE."
THESE MOTHERFUCKING CHURCHES
ARE GETTING EXPENSIVE!
YOU THINK THESE PREACHERS DON' KNOW IT'S A FUCKING RECESSION?
EVERY TIME THEY CATCH YOU
CATCHING THE HOLY GHOST --
"WE GONNA TAKE THE PLATE
ONE MORE TIME!
PASS THE PLATE ONE MORE TIME!"
I SEEN OLD LADIES
SNAP OUT OF THE HOLY GHOST.
SHE'S LIKE,
"LA-- OH, HELL, NO!
NOW, THAT'S JUS TAKING ADVANTAGE
OF A MOTHERFUCKER
RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S THE THIRD TIME HE DONE
SENT THE PLATE AROUND HERE.
NOW, THAT'S IT, NOW."
THEY GOT FAMILIES THAT KNOW
HOW TO TIME
THAT MOTHERFUCKING PLATE.
YOU SEE A WHOLE FAMILY GET UP.
THEY KNOW HOW TO DO IT.
YOU SEE THE FATHER GET UP FIRST.
MOTHERFUCKER JUST STAR WALKING OUT.
KIDS BE RIGHT BEHIND HIM.
PASTOR, "LOOK AT THIS SHI RIGHT THERE! LOOK AT THAT!
THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL STEALING,
NOW."
SOME OF THEM PASTORS
NEED TO QUIT IT, FOR REAL.
LIKE, THEM NIGGAS THAT BE ON TV
4:30 IN THE MORNING.
BE LIKE,
"NIGGA, WHAT THE HELL?"
"YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND.
YOU SEE THE LORD --
[SCREECHES]
LET US TURN THE PAGE -- 33 --
CORINTHIANS 33:45.
AND IT'LL TELL YOU --
YOU'LL SEE THE --
[SCREECHES]"
BE LIKE, "NIGGA, IT IS
THE REASON WHY YOU ON THE TV
AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING.
YOU AIN'T SHIT."
AND I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, TV AND
THE COMPUTER IS SOME BULLSHIT.
THAT'S ALL THEY GO IS BULLSHIT ON THERE.
JUDGE JOE BROWN --
YOU EVER WATCH HIM?
[Imitates Judge Joe Brown]
"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
YOU HAD $25,
AND YOU TURNED AROUND
AND GAVE THE OTHER LADY
$8 OF THE MONEY?
SIT DOWN."
[Normal voice]
WHAT ABOUT JUDGE MATHIS?
HE'S A MOTHERFUCKER, AIN'T HE?
THAT'S DETROIT'S FINEST.
HE'LL CALL YOU A CRACKHEAD
IN A MINUTE.
[Imitates Judge Mathis] "SO
THAT'S WHAT THE LADY SAID.
I KNOW WHAT SHE SAID.
HUH? GO AHEAD.
SAY IT AGAIN.
AND SHE'S A CRACKHEAD.
I KNOW A CRACKHEAD
WHEN I SEE ONE.
GO AHEAD. HUH?
AND YOU GAVE HER THE $35.
I KNOW A CRACKHEAD.
YEAH, I KNOW YOUR STUFF.
I WENT TO SCHOOL
WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
YOU TRYING TO PULL A GAME ON ME.
GANGS -- I'VE BEEN THERE."
[Normal voice]
DON'T YOU HATE THAT GUY
ON THAT COLLEGE COMMERCIAL --
THAT EVEREST COLLEGE COMMERCIAL?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
"GET UP. COME ON.
WHAT YOU DOING?
YOU AIN'T DOING
NOTHING WITH YOURSELF.
COME ON, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE A BUM
JUST SITTING THERE!
YOU AIN'T DOING NOTHING!
DO SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF.
COME ON DOWN TO COLLEGE.
MAN, YOU UGLY AS HELL.
MAN, COME ON, MAN.
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU AIN'T GOT NO JOB.
YOU AIN'T DOING NOTHING
WITH YOURSELF.
COME ON, GET A COLLEGE DEGREE!"
YOU BE LIKE,
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, NIGGA!
I'M DOING SOMETHING WITH MYSELF!
I'LL KILL THAT NIGGA
DOWN AT EVEREST COLLEGE, MAN."
10 MINUTES LATER,
HERE COME THE BITCH.
"COME ON.
WHAT YOU GOT IN THERE, HUH?
YOU AIN'T DOING NOTHING
WITH YOURSELF.
LIFE'S FUCKED UP."
[CHUCKLES]
WHAT ABOUT "FIRST 48"?
YOU EVER WATCH THAT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU GOT TO READ THE BIBLE
AFTER YOU WATCH THAT SHIT.
I'M STRAIGHTENING MY LIFE UP
AFTER THIS EPISODE.
THAT WAS FUCKED UP.
I AIN'T BULLSHITTING.
IT CAN HAPPEN.
THEY NEED TO CALL "FIRST 48"
"FIRST 48 SNITCHES,"
'CAUSE THEM ARE SOME
RATATOUILLE-ASS NIGGAS
ON THAT SHOW.
I HAVEN'T SEEN AN EPISODE YE WHERE THEY DIDN'T TELL.
SOON AS THE POLICE RIDE UP.
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP!"
"TONY CLARK."
POLICE, "WAIT A MINUTE, NIGGA.
WHO IS TONY CLARK?"
"I TELL YOU WHO IT IS.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
LET'S GO DOWNTOWN.
I'M READY TO GET A SODA.
I'M READY TO DRINK A SODA,
BABY, LET'S DO IT.
AND YOU BETTER GE TWO 90-MINUTE TAPES
'CAUSE I GOT A WHOLE LOT OF SHI I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT."
THAT LADY MAKE EVERYBODY TELL.
WHAT'S HER NAME -- MS. MASON?
YOU KNOW HOW THE SHOW COME ON.
[IMITATES THEME MUSIC]
"IN THE FIRST 48..."
WHEN THEY GET THE NIGGA
IN THE ROOM,
SHE GO RIGHT IN THERE
AT HIM.
"NOW, LITTLE COOKIE,
YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW
THAT EVERYBODY
IN THE HOOD KNOW
WHO KILLED LITTLE POO-POO
THURSDAY NIGHT."
THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW
THE NIGGA GONNA TELL,
WHEN THEY GO LIKE THIS --
[SIGHS]
"BOOYAH! I THINK WE GOT HIM!"
WHEN THEY COME BACK
FROM A COMMERCIAL,
NIGGA BEEN SAYING SOMETHING.
YOU CAN TELL
'CAUSE HE GOT A CIGARETTE.
NIGGA RELAXED.
"YEAH, I SEEN A LITTLE
SOMETHING-SOMETHING-SOMETHING."
BY THE TIME THE SHOW'S GOING
OFF, THIS NIGGA AT RED LOBSTER.
"I SEEN THREE MURDERS.
GIVE ME THAT BUTTER RIGHT THERE.
PUT THAT..."
"NIGGA, YOU DONE TOLD
FOR AN ULTIMATE FEAST?"
WHAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
ABOUT A NIGGA TELLING,
NIGGA STILL GO TO JAIL.
YOU DID ALL THAT TELLING,
AND YOU STILL IN HERE?
NIGGAS IN JAIL ARE
THE LYINGEST MOTHERFUCKERS EVER.
NIGGA BE IN JAIL LYING LIKE ME.
"YOU KNOW THEY TOOK
$100,000 FROM ME, MAN!
KICKED THAT DOPE, TOOK $100,000,
TOOK $50,000, MAN.
TOOK EVERYTHING."
YOU LIKE, "WHY YOU AIN'T GO NO MONEY ON YOUR BOOKS?"
"THEY TOOK EVERYTHING.
I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE $15
TO PUT ON ANY NIGGA'S BOOKS."
WHEN NIGGAS GO TO PRISON, MAN,
THEY TURN INTO EVERYTHING.
STRAIGHT UP.
I KNOW A NIGGA
THAT DONE KILLED NINE NIGGAS.
THIS NIGGA'S IN
A CHRISTMAS PLAY THIS YEAR.
THIS NIGGA --
[HUMS
"THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY"]
I ME--
I SAID, "DO THEY KNOW
WHO THEY GOT IN THIS PLAY?"
THIS NIGGA IS GONNA TIE SANTA,
EVERYBODY UP.
[HUMS
"THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY"]
NIGGAS COME HOME FROM PRISON --
THEY WANT YOU TO TAKE THEM
TO THE MALL, DON'T THEY?
"TAKE ME TO THE MALL, BABY.
YOU KNOW I JUST CAME HOME, MAN.
GONNA GET ME RIGHT, BABY!
TAKE ME TO NORTHLAND, BABY,
GET ME A SWEATER!
YEAH, MAN, TAKE ME THERE, MAN."
THEY TELL EVERYBODY, TOO.
"YEAH, TONY GOT ME TWO SWEATERS.
I JUST GOT TWO SWEATERS.
TONY GAVE ME TWO SWEATERS.
I GOT A PAIR OF PANTS
THE OTHER NIGHT."
SEE THE NIGGA A YEAR LATER.
"MAN, YOU KNOW I JUST CAME HOME,
DON'T YOU?"
"NIGGA, YOU'VE BEEN HOME
FOR A WHILE NOW.
QUIT LYING, MOTHERFUCKER."
AND IF YOU'VE BEEN SELLING DOPE
FOR 20 YEARS
AND YOU AIN'T GOT SHIT,
IT'S PROBABLY TIME TO GET A JOB.
I'M BEING STRAIGHT UP.
YOU CAN MAKE MORE MONEY ON A JOB
THAN THEM THOSE
KIBBLES AND BITS.
YOU BEEN THROWING ROCKS
AT THE PENITENTIARY
FOR $140 A WEEK, ANYWAY.
FOR $140 A WEEK.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO GET A JOB.
YOU IN IT FOR THE LIFESTYLE,
NOT THE PAPER.
YOU'RE TRICKING BITCHES
WITH A GOLD CHAIN.
LOOK AT THE SUGAR DADDY
RIGHT THERE.
YOU COULD HAVE
WHATEVER YOU LIKE
I SAID YOU COULD HAVE
WHATEVER YOU LIKE
HEY
LOOK AT SUGAR DADDY.
SUGAR DADDY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IF YOU DON'T SIT YOUR BIG
B.B. KING-LOOKING ASS...
YOU COULD HAVE
WHATEVER YOU LIKE
HEY
STACKS ON ME
PATRON ON ICE
PUT IT ON DOWN, BUT IT JUST
I SAID, YOU COULD HAVE
WHATEVER YOU LIKE
THAT'S RIGHT.
GIVE IT UP FOR HIM, Y'ALL.
ONE MORE TIME, SUGAR DADDY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S ONE OF THEM OLD PLAYERS
BE LOOKING OVER HIS GLASSES
IN THE CLUB.
BOY, THERE'S SOME FINE BITCHES
IN HERE TONIGHT.
NIGGA HAD THIS MANY KEYS.
GODDAMN, THIS IS MAGNIFICENT.
WHERE ARE THE BAD BITCHES AT?
GODDAMN, THERE'S SOME BAD
BITCHES IN THERE.
SMITTY, WHERE ARE THE LITTLE BAD
BITCHES IN THE HOUSE?
OH, LOOK AT THAT ASS -- FATTER
THAN A COUNTRY BOY'S LUNCH BOX.
LOOK OUT. LOOK OUT.
LOOK OUT. LOOK OUT.
I'D LIKE TO HAD TO GO THAT PUSSY THE OTHER NIGHT.
I'D LIKE TO HAD TO GO THAT PUSSY.
I'D LIKE TO HAD TO GOT IT.
I'M TELLING YOU."
THAT'S HOW THEM OLD MEN
BE TALKING.
"LOOK HERE, SON.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I JUST GOT A WHOLE NEW --
I JUST GOT A WHOLE NEW --
LOOK OUT THERE
IN THE BACK OF THAT TRUNK
AND GET Y'ALL SODA OUT OF THERE.
GET YOUR SODA OUT OF THERE."
WHEN THEM OLD MEN COMING IN
THE HOUSE, THAT'S ALL YOU HEAR.
[KEYS JINGLING]
"DAMN, WHAT KEY IS THIS?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT GODDA--"
[KEYS JINGLING]
THEN YOU HEAR HIM HOLLER.
"BARBARA!
[KEYS JINGLING]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT GODDAMN KEY
THIS IS RIGHT HERE."
THERE'S SOME SUGAR DADDIES
IN HERE
'CAUSE I SEEN ABOUT NINE VANS
OUTSIDE.
THAT'S ALL THEM OLD PLAYERS
DRIVE IS VANS.
"SHIT, I AIN'T ABOU NO GODDAMN HOTEL.
TAKE HER RIGHT IN THE BACK
OF THE GODDAMN VAN.
YEAH, SURE DID.
FUCKED HER FOR $77."
NIGGAS ALWAYS SAY
AN ODD NUMBER.
"SHIT, GET ME SOME OF THA PUSSY FOR $38 THE OTHER NIGHT.
SURE DID."
THERE'S A LOT OF OLDER LADIES
IN HERE
TRYING TO GIVE AWAY
SOME OF THAT COUGAR PUSSY.
[HISSES]
YOU COULD HAVE
WHATEVER YOU LIKE
"COME ON, GET SOME OF THIS
COUGAR PUSSY, YOUNG BOY."
SHIT, THEM OLD LADIES
BUY YOU LAWN MOWERS
AND HEDGE CUTTERS AND SHIT.
"MAMA BOUGHT YOU A HEDGE CUTTER,
BABY."
"I AIN'T DOING NO YARD WORK,
BITCH.
LET ME USE THE CAR."
I GOT A BUDDY
UNDER INVESTIGATION RIGHT NOW.
THIS NIGGA BEEN TAKING FOOD
UP INTO THE NURSING HOME,
FEEDING OLD WOMEN,
GETTING THEY CHECKS.
HE RIDING AROUND
WITH THE OLD WOMEN IN THEY CAR.
OLD WOMEN GOT THE SAME
JOGGING SUIT HE GOT ON.
"YEAH, MAN,
THAT'S MY GIRL IN THERE."
I SAID,
"NIGGA, THAT AIN'T YOUR GIRL.
TAKE THAT OLD LADY HOME."
3:00 IN THE MORNING,
SHE IN THE CAR ASLEEP.
THIS NIGGA EATING CHICKEN
OUTSIDE OF THE CAR,
MUSIC BLARING.
OLD LADY IN THE CAR KNOCKED THE
FUCK OUT WITH A JOGGING SUIT ON.
I SAID, "MAN,
TAKE THAT OLD LADY ASS HOME."
SHE ABOUT TO GET UP ANYWAY.
IT'S ABOUT 4:30.
SHE GET UP ANYWAY THAT TIME.
I SAID, "THIS IS A ROTTEN
MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE, NIGGA.
YOU GOING TO DOUBLE HELL
WITH GASOLINE DRAWERS ON.
YOU ARE FUCKED UP."
I SAID,
"DO YOU FUCK ANY OF THEM?"
"EVERY NOW AND THEN,
I HIT ONE OF THEM.
EVERY NOW AND THEN,
I HIT THEM AND SPLIT THEM,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I DO A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THEM.
GET ON, WAVE IT AROUND."
I SAID,
"YOU'S A FOUL NIGGA.
IF I CATCH YOU NEAR MY GRANDMA,
I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP."
SOME OF THEM GRANDMAS, THOUGH,
THEY BE HOT IN THE PANTS.
THEY BE IN THERE TALKING ALL
NICE TO YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS.
AS SOON AS YOU WALK OUT, THEY
JUMP IN YOUR FRIENDS' FACES.
"MAN, COME AND GE YOUR GRANDMOTHER."
"WHAT?
I AIN'T DID NOTHING.
AIN'T NOBODY DOING NOTHING."
WE HAVE SOME SUGAR DADDIES
IN HERE TONIGHT,
AND I KNOWING SOME OLDER LADIES
IN HERE TONIGHT.
AND I JUST WAN TO LET Y'ALL KNOW
THAT TIMES
HAVE REALLY CHANGED.
YOU KNOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED.
HOW DID WE GO FROM...
OH, GIRL
I'D BE IN TROUBLE
IF I LEFT YOU NOW
...TO... [Rapping]
I WAS GETTIN' SOME HEAD
I WAS GETTIN' SOME HEAD
MY GRANDMOTHER
IS 80-SOMETHING YEARS OLD.
SHE DON'T KNOW WHAT "HEAD"
MEAN -- THE WORD "HEAD."
MY LITTLE NEPHEWS
WAS PLAYING THAT SONG.
SHE CAME IN THERE AND SAID,
"CUT IT OFF RIGHT NOW
BEFORE I COME IN THERE AND GE SOME HEAD OUT OF ALL OF YOU!
AND I MEAN CUT IT OFF
RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!
I GAVE YOUR DADDY HEAD, YOUR
DADDY HEAD, YOUR DADDY HEAD.
I'VE BEEN GIVING HEAD
AROUND HERE FOR MANY YEARS.
NOW CUT IT OFF!"
THEY WAS LAUGHING LIKE A MOTHER.
EVERY FIVE MINUTES,
THEY WAS RUNNING IN THE ROOM,
PLAYING, "GRANDMA."
"WHAT?"
"YOU STILL GONNA GIVE US
SOME HEAD
LIKE YOU SAID YOU WAS
EARLIER TODAY?"
"YOU DAMN RIGHT I'M GONNA
GIVE YOU HEAD LIKE I SAID.
KEEP ON COMING IN AND ASK, I'M
GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU RIGHT NOW!"
"I GOT TO PEE.
I CAN'T DO IT RIGHT NOW."
SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK
THEY WAS TALKING ABOUT.
MY AUNTIE TOLD HER
WHAT THEY WAS TALKING ABOUT.
THEY WAS IN THERE ASLEEP.
SHE CAME IN THERE.
"GET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS!
I WAS TALKING ABOUT SUCKING
A DICK EARLIER TODAY!"
MY GRANDMOTHER'S SITTING
ON THE TOILET LIKE THIS
WITH A CIGARETTE
AND JUST OPEN HER LEGS
AND THUMP THE ASHES OUT.
PUH! PUH! PUH!
SHOULDERS BE UP.
"COME HERE.
GET GRANDMA SOME TOILET PAPER."
PUH! PUH! PUH!
SOMETIMES SHE LIF HER WHOLE ASS UP.
PUH! PUH! PUH!
IT LOOK LIKE CHRIS BROWN
IS THE NEW IKE TURNER.
WANNA BEAT YOU, BOO
EVERY DAY
PSSH!
EVERY NIGHT
WE DON'T KNOW WHA THAT FRANKENSTEIN-HEAD BITCH
DID TO HIM.
THERE'S TWO SIDES
TO THE MOTHERFUCKING STORY.
SHIT, I'M DOWN WITH THE WOMEN,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
BUT THE NEW LAW IS...
WHOEVER GET THE PHONE FIRST,
THE OTHER ONE'S GOIN' TO JAIL
SHIT, NIGGAS BE CALLING NOW.
"YEAH, UH, MY WIFE JUST HIT ME
IN THE EYE.
GET DOWN HERE NOW."
THEY DON'T FUCK AROUND
WITH THAT SHIT.
THEY WILL GIVE A NIGGA
A BASKETBALL-JERSEY NUMBER
FOR THAT SHIT.
ONE TIME, MY GIRL CALLED
THE POLICE AND HUNG UP.
THEM MOTHERFUCKERS
STILL CAME OUT.
"UNFORTUNATELY, UM,
SOMEBODY GOT TO GO DOWN."
I WAS LIKE, "FOR WHAT?"
"UM, TAXPAYER'S DOLLARS.
YOU MADE US COME OUT HERE."
SHE LOOKING AT ME.
I'M LOOKING AT HER.
I WENT DOWN THERE
AND GOT HER, MAN.
SHE WAS MADDER
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.
WHAT?
I HAD TO WORK THAT NIGHT.
SHE IN THE CAR LIKE...
[SCREAMS]
I'M LIKE,
"I KNOW. I KNOW HOW IT IS."
[SIGHS]
I'M JUST BULLSHITTING.
I'M JUST PLAYING.
THEY ALL JOKES, MOTHERFUCKERS --
JOKES.
Y'ALL GET SENSITIVE AND SHIT.
NOW I'M IN THE MOVIES.
MOTHERFUCKERS JUST WANT ME
TO CRACK A JOKE
ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.
I'LL JUST BE AT PLACES, MAN.
"SAY SOMETHING FUNNY."
BE LIKE, "NIGGA,
YOU SAY SOMETHING FUNNY."
PEOPLE JUST WALK UP
AND ASK STUPID-ASS QUESTIONS.
"YOU TALK TO ICE CUBE
EVERY DAY?"
"NO, MOTHERFUCKER!"
STUPID SHIT.
AND PEOPLE LOVE
TO CALL ME DAY-DAY.
HOW LONG AM I GONNA BE DAY-DAY?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
FOREVER?
AAAAAAAH
15, 30, 35, 40
[HUMS]
45, 47
"I KNOW DWIGHT."
"DWIGHT WHO?"
"'DA WHITE' AROUND YOUR LIPS."
AND I'M ESCORTED BY TOP-FLIGH SECURITY OF THE WORLD!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[HUMS HEROIC MUSIC]
YEAH, IT'S CRAZY AROUND HERE,
MAN.
I AIN'T BULLSHITTING, MAN.
I WENT TO THE STRIP CLUB THE
OTHER NIGHT -- THE BRASS KEY.
[CROWD SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]
IT WAS ROUGH UP IN THERE.
SMELL MY FINGERS.
I AIN'T BULLSHITTING.
COME HERE, MAN.
I CANNOT GET THIS CAT SMELL
OFF MY HAND.
YOU'RE LIKE,
"MAN, WHAT THE FUCK?"
A GIRL SQUIRT SOME BABY MILK.
I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL
WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?"
"I JUST HAD A SON!"
I SAID,
"DO YOU SEE HIM IN HERE?"
HAD A C-SECTION SCAR
THAT WENT ACROSS THIS WAY.
WHAT YOU HAVE,
A BABY OR HEART SURGERY?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SCAR
IS THAT?
I WENT AND TOLD THE MANAGER.
I SAID, "GIRL'S SQUIRTING
GOAT MILK OVER THERE
IN THE FUCKING CORNER."
"I KNOW WHO IT IS."
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU LET HER
WORK FOR TONIGHT?
YOU KNOW WHO IT IS."
I LOVE DETROIT!
Y'ALL NIGGAS IS GANGSTA
OUT HERE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
I'VE BEEN COMING TO DETROI SINCE 1989.
I WENT TO THE JOB CORPS
RIGHT THERE ON JEFFERSON STREET.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MY MAMA SENT ME UP HERE
TO BE AN ELECTRICIAN.
I WENT BACK HOME
WITH A FINGER WAVE.
SHE'S LIKE, "OH, HELL, NO.
YOU GETTING THE FUCK
OUT OF THERE."
I HAD A BRIEFCASE AND SHIT.
"WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NEW SHI IS THIS?
WHAT'S IN THE BRIEFCASE?!"
"NOTHING."
I LOVE Y'ALL NIGGAS IN DETROIT.
SHIT.
AND NIGGA ASKS WHY YOU ALL HERE
AT THE SHOW DURING A RECESSION?
'CAUSE Y'ALL ARE SOME HUSTLING
SONS OF BITCHES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GE YOUR MONEY, BUT YOU GET IT.
AND IF YOU'RE POOR,
WE WON'T NEVER KNOW IT.
Y'ALL KEEP Y'ALL FRONTS
ALL THE WAY UP.
YOU STAY DOWN UNTIL YOU COME UP.
A NIGGA WON'T NEVER KNOW
WHAT YOU GO UNTIL HE PULL YOU TO THE SIDE
AND SAY,
"MAN, I'M RUNNING ON HARD TIMES
RIGHT NOW."
[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]
THAT'S HOW
ONE OF THEM OLD PLAYERS
GETS SOME MONEY FROM YOU.
THEY JUST STARE
AT YOU FOR A MINUTE
BEFORE THEY SAY SOMETHING.
AS SOON AS THEY CATCH YOUR EYE.
"LET ME HOLLER ABOUT SOMETHING."
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, WHAT THIS
NIGGA WANT RIGHT HERE?"
"LOOK, MAN,
TELL YOU SOMETHING, MAN,
YOU KNOW THEY TOOK $3,500
FROM ME THE OTHER DAY
OVER THERE AT TONY AND EARL
AND THEM HOMES, RIGHT?"
YOU'RE LIKE, "HERE THIS NIGGA
GO ON ONE OF THEM STORIES."
YOU SEE THAT WHITE MAN MADOFF
TOOK ALL THAT MONEY.
YOU SEE THAT SHIT?
MAN, IF THAT WAS A NIGGA,
HE'D BE DEAD.
SHIT, YOU CAN'T TAKE
$1,000 FROM A NIGGA
WITHOUT PUTTING A HIT ON YOU.
I'M FOR REAL.
YOU BORROW MONEY
FROM A WHITE PERSON,
DON'T NEVER GIVE IT BACK.
"THIS IS IT.
THIS IS THE LAST $30."
YOU BORROW SOME MONEY
FROM A BLACK PERSON,
THEY'RE GONNA THREATEN YOU
BEFORE THEY GIVE IT TO YOU.
"LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY MONEY,
PLAYER.
I WORKS TOO HARD FOR MY STIFF.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I STARTED
NOT TO GIVE IT TO YOU."
YOU BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT --
FUCK YOU AND THAT $20,
ALL RIGHT?
ABOUT TO FUCKING LECTURE ME,
NIGGA."
THE BLACK PEOPLE GIVE YOU THE
MONEY AND TELL EVERYBODY.
"WHAT YOU DOING?"
"OH, NOTHING.
JUST GAVE CARLOS $40.
DOING PRETTY BAD
THIS WEEK, MAN.
YOU KNOW, I GUESS GOD
WILL BLESS ME FOR IT,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"
AND EVERYBODY GOT TO DO
THE RIGHT THING,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, TRYING
TO LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
SHIT, THAT'S ALL WE GO AROUND HERE,
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS,
IS EACH OTHER. SHIT.
THAT'S RIGHT. WE AIN'T GO NONE OF THE OLD FOLKS NO MORE.
ALL THESE LITTLE, YOUNG KIDS --
THEY FUCKED UP.
THEY AIN'T GOT NO DIRECTION.
SHIT.
THESE LITTLE KIDS
IS ON EVERYTHING --
SLURP, PILLS, XANAX,
OXYCONTIN, PAINKILLERS,
CIGARETTE, WEED
HENNESSY, VODKA
[HUMS]
THESE LITTLE NIGGAS
IS MARTIANS AROUND HERE.
THEY GO THROUGH 19 EMOTIONS.
YOU BE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP,
LITTLE TONY?"
[SCREAMS]
"I LOVE YOU. OHH! I FEEL --"
[SCREAMS]
BE LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK
IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
"I'M ON EVERYTHING."
I'M RETARDED.
I'VE BEEN IN SPECIAL ED
ALL MY LIFE.
THEY HAVE SURROUNDED ME AROUND
RETARDED KIDS ALL MY LIFE
FOR NOTHING.
FOR REAL.
THEY SAID, "YOU RETARDED --"
MY MOTHER SAID, "YOU WAS
RETARDED WHEN YOU WAS LITTLE.
AND YOU GREW OUT OF IT."
I SAID, "NO, AIN'T NO FUCKING
GROWING OUT OF IT."
I TOLD HER,
"STOP TELLING PEOPLE THAT SHIT."
"YOU WAS RETARDED
AND GREW OUT OF IT."
YOU DON'T FUCKING
GROW OUT OF IT.
IF I WAS RETARDED THEN,
I'LL BE RETARDED NOW, RIGHT?
DO I LOOK RETARDED
TO ANY OF Y'ALL?
WHO'S SAYING "YEAH"?
FUCK YOU, MAN.
THERE'S SOME RETARDED KIDS
IN HERE
'CAUSE I SEEN THE VAN PULL UP
OUTSIDE.
THEY ON A FIELD TRIP --
ABOUT SIX OF THEM TOGETHER.
THAT'S HOW RETARDED KIDS WALK
WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW
WHERE THEY GOING.
"TOBY, OVER HERE!"
"LEAVE ME ALONE.
AND GET OUT OF MY FACE."
I WENT TO SCHOOL
WITH A NIGGA NAMED JUNIOR.
NIGGA HAD A BIG OLD BOOTY,
WORE CORDUROYS EVERY DAY.
CORDUROYS AND CARDBOARD.
YOU'D SAY, "WHAT'S UP, JUNIOR?"
"GET OUT OF MY FACE
AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
NIGGA TONGUE
ALWAYS HANGING OUT.
"LEAVE ME ALONE.
LEAVE ME ALONE."
I WALK IN THE BATHROOM.
THIS NIGGA DONE PULL HIS PANTS
ALL THE WAY DOWN,
PISSING LIKE THIS --
ASS OUT, BELT BUCKLE,
UNDERWEAR,
EVERYTHING DOWN THERE.
I SAID, "MAN, UNZIP YOUR SHIT!"
"LEAVE ME ALONE."
ONE DAY,
I'M IN THE MOTHERFUCKING CLUB.
THIS MOTHERFUCKER -- THIS DUDE
PULL A HOT DOG OUT HIS POCKET --
IN THE BUN --
KETCHUP, MUSTARD, EVERYTHING.
I SAID, "DID THIS MOTHERFUCKER
JUST PULL A DRESSED HOT DOG
OUT HIS POCKET?"
"LEAVE ME ALONE."
I STAYED IN SPECIAL ED.
AND THE BELL WOULD RING.
TEACHER -- "SIT BACK DOWN."
I SAID,
"BITCH, THE BELL JUST RANG."
"PUT YOUR HELMET ON."
I SAID, "I'M NOT PUTTING
NO MOTHERFUCKING HELMET ON."
I WAS IN THERE WITH A NIGGA
HAD A HAND LIKE THIS,
BUT THE NIGGA SING R&B.
AND HE'D GO --
BABY
[BEATBOXING]
AND I REALLY WANNA LOVE YOU
[BEATBOXING]
I SAID, BABY
[BEATBOXING]
AND I REALLY WANNA LOVE YOU
LITTLE HAND BE SWINGING.
"YOU KNOW, GIRL."
[BEATBOXING]
GI-I-RL
THAT'S HOW HE'D WIPE THE SWEA OFF HIS HEAD.
"THIS NEXT SONG IS...
ONE OF MY FAVORITES."
SOMETIMES HE'D GET SEXY WITH IT.
HE'D GO...
BABY
THAT'S HOW HE LOOKED ON HIS
DEBUT ALBUM -- LIKE THIS.
[Deep voice]
HIS NEW DEBUT ALBUM --
"WHERE WILL I GO NOW?"
[Normal voice] Y'ALL THINK
I'M GOING TO HELL FOR THAT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND YOU GOING WITH ME.
YOU WAS LAUGHING.
BABY
[BEATBOXING]
THAT'S HOW HE BE CLEVER.
"COME ON, PUT THEM NUBS
TOGETHER.
COME ON!
YOU KNOW, LADIES..."
WHEN I LOOK INTO YOUR EYES
THAT'S HOW HE GE A LOT OF WOMEN.
HE'D GET THE NUMBER
WITH HIS BACK TURNED.
"PUT YOUR NUMBER IN THE PHONE."
THEY BE GETTING THE PUSSY.
YOU DON'T SEE NOTHING
BUT THAT HAND.
"WHAT IS THAT MOVING?"
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."
SOON AS THE MOTHERFUCKER COME...
BABY
[BEATBOXING]
THERE'S A LOT OF BIG GIRLS
IN HERE TONIGHT.
WHERE THE BIG GIRLS AT?
[WOMEN CHEERING]
I'M GONNA START POINTING
Y'ALL'S ASSES OUT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT KNOWN.
I SEE YOUR HONEYBUN-SMUGGLING
ASS UP IN HERE.
I MADE A SONG FOR THE BIG GIRLS.
COME ON, Y'ALL. CLAP.
WE'RE GONNA DO THE SONG
FOR THE BIG GIRLS.
COME ON NOW.
EVERYBODY GOT A BIG GIRL,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SOME OF Y'ALL MAMAS
IS BIG GIRLS.
AND SOME OF Y'ALL NIGGAS
IS BIG GIRLS, TOO.
COME ON NOW.
[Rapping]
I LIKE BIG GIRLS
I CANNOT LIE
IF YOU NEED A MAN,
BABY, I'M THAT GUY
UP IN THE CLUB, V.I.P.
BIG GIRLS EVERYWHERE,
AND THEY LOVIN' ME
YEAH, I WANT A SANDWICH
I'LL TAKE TWO
PUT IT IN THE KITCHEN
THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO
LOBSTER, CHICKEN, BISCUITS
PUT IT IN THE OVEN
Kool-Aid, PIZZA
DAMN, I LOVE IT
BIG GIRL, BIG JOB,
BIG SALARY
BIG GIRLS DON'T CARE
ABOUT CALORIES
BIG GIRLS DON'T CARE
WHO'S LOOKIN'
ALL THEY WANNA KNOW IS,
"DAMN, WHO COOKIN'?"
I'M MIKE EPPS.
THANK Y'ALL, DETROIT!
[DRUM BEAT PLAYING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MY BOY MIKE EPPS,
REPPING THE "D," BABY!
TWO SOLD-OUT SHOWS.
FIFTH ROW, BABY!
I'LL HOLLER AT YOU.
GET AT US, BABY.
WHAT UP, MIKE EPPS?
WELCOME TO DETROIT, MAN.
HEY, MIKE, MAN,
MUCH LOVE, MAN.
YOU KNOW Y'ALL PUT US
ON THE FRONT STREET,
BUT THIS IS FROM THE MOTOR CITY.
HEY, MIKE EPPS, COME
TO SEE YOU LIVE FROM DETROIT.
WE LOVE YOU!
HEY, MIKE, BABY!
-WE LOVE YOU!
-WE LOVE YOU, MIKE!
WHAT Y'ALL THINKING ABOUT?
WE COME TO SEE MIKE EPPS.
313, DETROIT!
WE LOVE MIKE EPPS, YEAH!
WHOO!
LOVE YOU, MIKE!
LOVE YOU, MIKE!
WE LOVE YOU!
YOU THE MAN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HEY, MIKE, MAN,
MUCH LOVE, MAN.
YOU KNOW Y'ALL PUT US
ON THE FRONT STREET,
BUT THIS IS FROM
THE MOTOR CITY --
THE ORIGINAL,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND THIS IS THE WAY WE DO IT,
JUST LIKE THIS.
GIVE HIM A SPIN-AROUND.
LET HIM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'M HERE TO SEE MIKE EPPS
WITH HIS FINE ASS. [LAUGHS]
MIKE -- "35, 45, 55" --
ALL DAY LONG, BABY.
THAT'S WHAT'S UP.
313 ALL DAY, BABY.
WHAT'S UP, 313?
MIKE EPPS DOING THE REAL THING.
YEAH, YEAH.
AND WE SHOW UP IN OUR BES WHEN WE HAVE OUR GUESTS.
GONNA DO IT REAL BIG, BABY,
DETROIT STYLE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
EVERYTHING IS GOOD
IN THE HOOD.
SO LET'S GO IN,
HAVE A GOOD TIME, PARTY HARDY.
THANK YOU.
YOU SEXY, MIKE EPPS.
[LAUGHS]
I THINK YOU'RE
A MOTHERFUCKING FOOL!
AS YOU CAN SEE,
THE PEOPLE ARE ROLLING IN.
I'M YOUR ROLLER-SCOOTING
NEWS REPORTER G. THANG
LIVE IN FRONT OF THE FOX THEATRE
IN DETROIT.
IT'S NICE.
THE PEOPLE ARE PILING IN.
NO MORE TICKETS LEFT!
MIKE AIN'T PLAYING.
IT'S GOING DOWN.
AND LOOK AT THIS -- MY MAN.
ABOUT TO HIT THE BUILDING,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
WHAT'S UP?
THIS IS MY BOY MIKE EPPS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
BUT YOU OUGHT TO GET DOWN HERE
TRYING TO DO IT,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
DETROIT STYLE.
ONE LOOK, COME ON BACK, MIKE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU HEARD HIM.
TRYING TO KEEP IT CLEAN
DOWN HERE, BABY.
HEY, BABY.
I'M TRYING TO FIND THE FOX.
WE HAVE NO IDEA.
HOW DO I GET TO THE HOOD?
THIS IS THE REAL LIL WAYNE.
[LAUGHS]
THAT WAS SOME NICE WORK
YOU DID THERE.
MIKE EPPS.
WE CAN RECITE
YOUR WHOLE MOVIE FOR YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT.
OHH!
HOW DO I GET TO THE FOX THEATRE?
-YOU WALKING?
-WHO'S WALKING WITH YOU?
ME AND BIN LADEN'S COMING.
WE WALKING TO THE FOX!
MIKE!
[LAUGHS]
MARVIN GAYE RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
MARVIN GAYE RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS MARVIN GAYE
RIGHT HERE!
-MOTOWN.
-MOTOWN, BABY!
YOU UNDERSTAND?
NOTHING BUT WINNERS UP IN HERE.
NOTHING BUT WINNERS.
LET'S DO IT.
[CLIPPERS BUZZING]
NO, NO, DON'T PUT NONE --
YOU DON'T LIKE THA EXTRA-SEXY?
NO, NO.
OH, MAN. ALL RIGHT.
BAM!
THAT LOOKED LIKE SOME LIQUID
DRANO YOU ABOUT TO WIPE ON...
DO SOME OF YOUR MOTOWN.
YOU GOT ANY MOTOWN?
DO SOME MOTOWN?
MY GIRL
[High-pitched]
MY GIRL
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT, NOW, MOTOWN!
OHH!
NOTHING BUT LOVE.
ONLY IN THE MOTOR CITY.
IN THE MOTOR CITY!
HOW Y'ALL GE TO THE FOX THEATRE?
45, 47!
OH, MAN!
[LAUGHTER]
-IS THAT YOUR PLACE?
-NO, THIS IS.
-THIS IS THE PLACE RIGHT HERE.
-YEAH.
OR AT LEAST IT IS
TILL NEXT MONTH.
[LAUGHTER]
IF I DON'T PAY THE BILL,
THEY REAL QUICK ABOUT THAT.
-THEY'LL THROW YOUR BEHIND
OUT OF HERE.
-ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, THAT'S
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
-THANK YOU.
-THAT'S A KODAK MOMENT.
ALL RIGHT.
I TOLD YOU
WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO.
THE CAMERA DON'T WORK.
[LAUGHTER]
metroPC, BABY.
YOU GOT metroPC?
OH, OKAY.
WHAT TIME DO YOU TAKE
THAT MUSTACHE OFF?
I JUST HAD IT TOOK OFF.
HEY, MAN, DO YOU NEED IT BACK?
BOXING HISTORY RIGHT HERE
WAS MADE WITH THIS GUY.
TOMMY HEARNS'
CAST AND CREW RIGHT THERE.
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
I SEEN THE STARS ON HIS EYES.
[LAUGHTER]
I BE TRYING TO HIDE THEM,
BROTHER.
LET ME SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW.
LET ME SEE YOU HIT ONE, TWO.
[LAUGHTER]
-LET ME SEE IF YOU
STILL GOT THAT.
YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
[LAUGHTER]
OH! OH, MY GOD!
I'M A PORNO STAR, MA'AM.
KEEP WALKING.
HE AIN'T NO --
"FRIDAYS." YOU KNOW.
CAN YOU TELL ME
HOW TO GET TO THE FOX?
SURE, I CAN TAKE YOU THERE
IF YOU WISH.
WHAT, BITCH?!
DAMN, BABY, LET'S DO IT.
LET'S RIDE!
YEE-HA-HA-HA!
NOW, THIS RIGHT HERE
IS WHAT YOU CALL A REAL PIMP
GETTING HIS MONEY --
ON THE PHONE,
CUSSING A HO OUT.
HERE HE COME.
HEY, YOU GOT TO GO IN THERE
AND GET YOU ONE OF THEM BRIMS.
HEY, DON'T I KNOW YOU, MAN?
MIKE EPPS, MAN.
BABY.
OH, THEY GOT ME ON TV.
[LAUGHTER]
-OH, NO, NO.
MIKE EPPS RIGHT HERE.
WHAT'S HAPPENING, MIKE?
WELCOME TO THE CITY.
THAT'S A REAL DETROIT PLAYER
RIGHT HERE.
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S HOW WE DO IT.
LOOK AT HIM.
HE LACED UP.
HE GONNA GO IN THERE
AND GET HIM A JOB, YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
LET THEM KNOW
WHAT THEY DOING TONIGHT.
BUT THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL A
REAL DETROIT PLAYER RIGHT HERE.
WE JUST DO IT RIGHT, THAT'S ALL.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S ALL.
WHY ARE YOU DOING
THAT SHIT, GIRL?
[LAUGHTER]
THIS LOOKS SILLY AS HELL.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT SHIT, GIRL.
YOU CAN'T BE IN LOVE WITH HIM.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
SHE WANTS TO TAKE A PICTURE
WITH HIM, MAN.
YEAH, I COME TO CHECK ONE OUT.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.
[LAUGHS]
SAY IT AGAIN, MAN.
HOW ARE THEY TREATING YOU, RED?
LIKE THE REDHEADED STEPCHILD
WITH THE FLU.
[IMITATES COUGHING]
WELL, I KNEW I WAS GONNA GET ME
ON A SLICK LINE OUT OF HERE.
WHOO.
-ALL I'M WONDERING,
"WHERE'S THE HONEY?"
-DAMN.
ALL YOU WONDERING,
"WHERE'S THE MONEY?"
WHERE'S THE FOX?
GOOD TO MEET YOU, SIR.
JUST WATCHED...
"ROSCOE JENKINS"?
-YEAH.
-[LAUGHS]
IT'S ON DEMAND RIGHT NOW.
AW, I MIGHT HAVE TO...
-"BAIT."
-"BAIT."
-YEAH.
-THAT WAS ON TV?
I MIGHT HAVE A CHECK
IN THE MAIL OR SOMETHING
IN THE NEXT TWO DAYS
OR SOMETHING.
YOU GOT ME UP IN
[LAUGHTER]
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING]
THAT'S RIGHT.
LIVE IN DETROIT, BABY.
-ALL RIGHT, MIKE.
-ALL RIGHT.
MIKE.
[LAUGHS]
GOOD TO HAVE YOU
IN THE CITY, MAN.
NEXT TIME YOU COME,
I'LL GIVE YOU MY NUMBER, MAN.
I'LL SHOW YOU
A NICE TIME.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
THAT'S RIGHT.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
THAT'S RIGHT.
[LAUGHS]
-YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
-THE DETROIT HOOD.
DETROIT, BABY.
THE HOOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HOW DO WE GE TO THE FOX THEATRE FROM HERE?
AHH!
I DON'T NEED TO BE DOWNTOWN.
[Gruff voice] "AHH.
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE DOWNTOWN."
[Normal voice]
I LIKE HOW HE TALKS.
I LIKE HOW HE TALKS.
HE SAID, "AAH!
I DON'T NEED TO BE DOWNTOWN."
TELL THEM.
I DON'T NEED TO BE DOWNTOWN.
I STAY IN THE HOOD.
WHAT HOOD YOU FROM?
-FOUR-ONE.
-FOUR-ONE, BABY.
BETTER KNOW IT.
YOU ALREADY KNOW.
DOESN'T HE LOOK LIKE FREDO
FROM "THE GODFATHER"?
I'LL HAVE TO RENT I AGAIN.
-[LAUGHS]
-ONE, TWO, OR THREE?
-ONE, TWO, AND THREE.
-ONE, TWO, AND THREE.
HAVE A GOOD ONE.
TAKE CARE. PLEASURE.
I GOT TO SEE HOW FAS YOU CAN CATCH ME IF I
TRY TO RUN RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
JUST ONE TIME. READY?
[LAUGHTER]
NO, NO, NO!
COME ON, MAN.
NO GOOD, MAN.
YOU GOTTA TRY TO SNATCH ME, MAN.
COME ON.
THEY SAY I WAS GONNA TRY
TO GET YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT AIN'T PLAYING FAIR.
HOW DO YOU GET TO
THE FOX THEATRE FROM HERE?
YOU'RE GONNA GO UP HERE
TO WASHINGTON.
-UH-HUH.
-ADAMS AND WOODWARD.
AND AT WOODWARD, YOU'LL SEE
THE FOX THEATRE FROM THERE.
ARE YOU DOING A SHOW TONIGHT?
-YEAH, I'M DOING A SHOW TONIGHT.
-WELL, WELCOME TO DETROIT.
WAS YOU ABLE TO SEE THA WITH THEM GREEN EYES?
[LAUGHS]
ALL RIGHT.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
[LAUGHTER]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
AAH!
I'M NOT JUMPING UP AND DOWN!
THERE'S A CAMERA AROUND!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT WAS A PLEASURE MEETING YOU.
YOU'RE AWESOME.
YOU CRACK ME UP.
I DON'T REMEMBER
VERY MANY PEOPLE.
WHAT'S GOING ON, BIG BABY?!
-GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
NICE TO MEET Y'ALL.
THANKS FOR HAVING US
IN FRONT OF YOUR SHIT.
HEY, MIKE EPPS!
HEY, BABY GIRL!
YOU GUYS, BE PREPARED.
THANK YOU, MAN.
-HOW YOU DOING?
-HOLDING ON.
DOES THIS STORE HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH PROSTITUTES?
[LAUGHTER]
ANYTHING. I MEAN, ANY PARTS
OF PROSTITUTION.
JUST BE HONEST.
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BACK
IN THE DAY, BEFORE WE GOT HERE.
-BACK IN THE DAY.
-BEFORE WE GOT HERE.
BEFORE Y'ALL GOT HERE.
THEY'VE ONLY BEEN HERE
SINCE ABOUT 1950.
OKAY, SO I'M PRETTY SURE
THAT YOU CAN ADMIT TO ME
THAT THIS STORE
HAD SOMETHING TO DO
WITH SOMEBODY GETTING SLAPPED.
-[CHUCKLES]
-YEAH.
-YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE OF THAT.
-I CAN AGREE.
YOU WILL GET THE SHI SLAPPED OUT OF YOU
BY SOMEBODY WEARING THIS
RIGHT HERE.
YOU WILL GET THE TASTE SLAPPED
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH BY SOMEBODY.
IF SOMEBODY JUMP OUT THE CAR
ON YOU WITH THIS ON,
YOU BETTER HAVE
THEIR FUCKING MONEY.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS IS PIMP APPAREL.
[LAUGHTER]
SOME OF THEM OLD PLAYERS
TURN THEIR BACK ON YOU
WHEN THEY OPEN THEIR WALLET.
HERE, I'M DONE.
I WAS JUST FUCKING WITH YOU.
Y'ALL KNOW IT.
I WAS JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
NO, YOU ALL RIGHT.
I CAME HERE LOOKING FOR YOU,
BUT...
[LAUGHTER]
...THEY SAID YOU WAS LATE,
AS USUAL.
[LAUGHTER]
-WELL, WE LOVE YOU FOR IT.
-I LOVE YOU, TOO, MAN.
KICK IT REAL,
KICK IT RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.
-THANK YOU, MAN.
-JUST THE WAY WE LIKE IT.
THIS MY DAWG.
THAT'S MY DAWG, BABY.
WE'VE BEEN KNOWING EACH OTHER
ALMOST 30 YEARS.
ALMOST 30 YEARS.
Y'ALL ONLY LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE 30 YEARS OLD.
AIN'T THAT A BITCH?
TALKING ABOUT THEY'VE BEEN
KNOWING EACH OTHER FOR 30 YEARS.
BOTH THESE MOTHERS LOOK 30.
WE USED TO SHARE A BOTTLE.
[LAUGHTER]
THE BARBERSHOP, OKAY?
THAT'S WHERE THE REAL
CONVERSATION'S AT.
AND WE DON'T LIE ABOUT IT.
YOU GONNA GET TO REALLY HEAR
ABOUT THE ECONOMY
AND IF OBAMA GONNA GE THE PAPER IN THERE, AIN'T YA?
OH, YEAH. YOU HEAR ABOU THE LIES, CRIES, AND ALIBIS.
[LAUGHTER]
-ONLY AT THE BARBERSHOP.
AT THE BARBERSHOP.
-LOVE TO YOU, BROTHER.
-DITTO.
-ALL RIGHT.
-MIKE, TAKE CARE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW.
LITTLE JAY Z, WHAT'S UP?
OH, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
OH!
ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL HAVE
A GOOD NIGHT NOW.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR MAMA.
THE NEW MAYOR OF D.C.
[LAUGHS]
I HEARD YOU THE NEW MAYOR.
AH, NO.
RICK ROSS, WHAT'S UP, BABY?
[LAUGHTER]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
WHAT'S UP, DAWG?
FUCKING FRESH AIR!
GONNA BE FRESH A CHUCK E. CHEESE THIS WEEKEND.
YOU GONNA STEAL THE SHOW,
BROTHER.
ALL THE LITTLE KIDS GONNA BE
LIKE, "OOH, LOOK AT HIS FADE.
LOOK AT HIS FADE.
LOOK AT HIS FADE.
LOOK AT HIS FADE.
LOOK AT HIS FADE.
GOT MIKE EPPS UP HERE RIGHT NOW.
HE'S ROASTING PEOPLE.
I AIN'T BULLING.
HE ROASTING,
AND I GOT ON MY UNIFORM. YEAH.
LIVE, COMING TO YOU FROM THE
MOTOR CITY -- DOWNTOWN DETROIT,
ME AND MY HOMEY
SITTING BACK HERE CHILLING.
THAT'S RIGHT.
ON OUR WAY TO THE FOX THEATRE.
-THAT'S RIGHT.
-IT'S MIKE EPPS IN DETROIT.
LET'S SAY IT TOGETHER.
BITCH.
BITCH.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, MAN,
I'M TRYING TO FIND THE FOX.
-WHERE CAN I FIND IT AT, BABY?
-OH, IT'S RIGHT DOWN THERE.
IT IS, BUT MY GIRL
GONNA RIDE WITH US.
-YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU?
-OH, OKAY. COME ON. LET'S GO.
HEY, MAN, I GOT A BIG SHOW
AT THE FOX TONIGHT.
MAN, IT'S GOING DOWN.
[ENGINE REVS]
ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS THAT SHI RIGHT HERE, THOUGH.
FOX THEATRE.
I REMEMBER MY FIRST TIME
PLAYING HERE.
I WAS SO MOTHERFUCKING EXCITED
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I'M EXCITED NOW BECAUSE
I'M SHOOTING MY SPECIAL HERE.
DAMN!
I'M CAN'T WAIT TO DO THIS SHOW.
I'M AT THE FABULOUS
FOX THEATRE --
THE HISTORICAL FOX THEATRE,
YOU KNOW,
WHERE ELVIS PRESLEY PLAYED,
STEVIE WONDER, ROLLING STONES,
BOBBY "BLUE" BLAND,
B.B. KING,
AND YOUR MAN, MIKE EPPS, BABY.
WE AT THE FAMOUS FOX.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HOO! HOO! HOO!
-HOO! HOO! HOO!
-HOO!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
INTENSIFY]
HOO! HOO!
HOO! HOO!
HOO! HOO! HOO! HOO! HOO!
[BEATBOXING]
[MUSIC PLAYS]
IF YOU'RE BORN AND RAISED
IN THE "D," MAKE SOME NOISE!
AND GIVE IT UP, FROM HOLLYWOOD
TO THE HOOD, FOR MY BROTHER --
MIKE EPPS!
[DRUM BEAT PLAYING]
LET'S GO!
ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT!
CABBAGE!
CABBAGE PATCH!
PAPA "C"!
PAPA "C"! PAPA "C"!
REEBOK!
I'M FUCKING IT UP.
I'M FUCKING IT UP.
-STINKY LEGS!
-STINKY LEGS!
STINKY LEGS!
STINKY LEGS!
STINKY LEGS!
STINKY LEGS!
STINKY LEGS!
DOUG E. FRESH, Y'ALL!
DOUG E. FRESH!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BIG "D"!
DOUG E. FRESH!
DETROIT, WHAT'S UP?!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SIT ON DOWN!
SIT ON DOWN!
THAT NIGGA DOUG E. FRESH SPI ALL OVER MY FUCKING FOREHEAD.
[BEATBOXING]
GODDAMN, DOUG E.
ONE MORE TIME FOR DOUG E. FRESH,
Y'ALL -- LEGENDARY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S LEGENDARY RIGHT THERE.
MAN, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD
IN THE GOVERNMENT CHECK OU HERE TONIGHT.
WE IN THE "D."
GOD DAMN IT IN THE "D"!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU WILL GET SLAPPED
OUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
YOU NIGGAS SLAP MIDGETS,
BITCHES.
NIGGA, WE ARE IN THE "D"!
I SMELL GUNPOWDER, MONEY,
AND COLOGNE.
AIN'T NOTHING BUT KILLERS
AND DEALERS OUT HERE!
I HAD TO COME TO DETROI AND DO THIS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS IS WHERE THE HITSVILLE
GO DOWN,
AIN'T IT,
IN HITSVILLE, BABY.
THAT'S RIGHT -- HITSVILLE.
STRAIGHT GANGSTER SHI AROUND HERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I WENT OVER ON 7 MILE.
THAT MOTHERFUCKER NEED LOTION
LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.
WEST SIDE! WEST SIDE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
EAST SIDE! EAST SIDE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH, THE POLICE! THE POLICE!
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
YOU KNOW THEY IN HERE.
"I'M IN HERE. I'M RIGHT HERE.
I'M RIGHT HERE!"
POLICE ALWAYS HIT YOU WITH THAT,
"AAH!"
GODDAMN, IT'S GOING DOWN.
Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS GET Y'ALL
HAIR DONE EVERY DAY.
OH, YOU BITCHES' TOES BE
FUCKED-UP, BUT HAIR BE WHIPPED!
YOU BE LIKE, "MAN, SHE'S CUTE."
DUH DUH DUH DUH
WHERE'S THE TOE BUDGET AT?
GODDAMN, IT'S GOING DOWN UP IN
THIS MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE.
LOOK AT ALL THE MARRIED MEN
CAN'T DO NOTHING TONIGHT.
MARRIED MEN JUST WHISPERING
TO HISSELF,
"GODDAMN, WHY DID I BRING
HER ASS OUT TONIGHT?
THERE'S SOME MOTHERFUCKING STARS
IN HERE TONIGHT."
YOU KNOW NIGGA'S LOOKING OU THE CORNER OF THEIR EYE
EVERY FIVE MINUTES, LOOKING
LIKE THIS EVERY FIVE MINUTES.
THIS IS THAT ONE RIGHT HERE.
"...LOOKING AT THE BITCH FOR?"
"NIGGA, AIN'T NOBODY LOOKING
AT NO BITCH."
A MAN USE ANY EXCUSE
TO LOOK AT A GIRL.
"SHE LOOK LIKE
YOUR FRIEND DENISE."
"SHE DON'T LOOK LIKE
MY MOTHERFUCKING FRIEND.
LOOK AT THE BITCH AGAIN."
"YOU GOT A PURSE LIKE THAT."
"LOOK AT THE BITCH AGAIN.
I AIN'T GOT NO MOTHERFUCKING
PURSE LIKE THAT."
MARRIED MEN
ACT TOTALLY DIFFEREN WHEN THEY BY THEIRSELF,
DON'T THEY?
YOU SEE THEM WITH THEIR WIFE.
"WHAT'S UP, TONY?"
"HEY, MAN, HOW'S EVERYTHING
GOING, BROTHER?
OH, JUST TAKING IT EASY,
HANGING OUT WITH THE OLD LADY.
ALL RIGHT, GOD BLESS YOU.
TAKE IT EASY NOW.
ALL RIGHT."
BE LIKE,
"THAT NIGGA AIN'T LIKE THAT!"
YOU SEE HIM BY HIMSELF.
"WHAT'S UP, TONY?"
"HEY, WHERE'S THE BITCHES AT,
NIGGA?!
WHERE'S THE BITCH ASS?"
"THERE YOUR GIRL."
"WHERE? WHERE SHE AT?
WHERE SHE AT?
SHE JUST PULLED UP?
SHE'S OUTSIDE?"
EVERY MAN IN HERE IS SCARED
OF THEIR FUCKING GIRL.
THESE MOTHERFUCKING WOMEN
ARE DETECTIVES.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE
SLIPPED, AND THEY GOT YOUR ASS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY'LL TELL YOU
THEY'RE GOING TO BED
AND GET UP
AND COME LOOKING FOR YOU.
"I'M GOING TO BED."
"OKAY, I LOVE YOU.
BYE. ALL RIGHT."
NIGGA THINK, "I'M GOING UP,
LOOKING FOR THIS NIGGA'S ASS.
I KNOW WHERE HE AT.
HE OVER AT CHUCKIE AND THEM'S
OVER ON FEDAY STREET.
I'M GOING TO FUCK
THIS NIGGA UP."
YOUR FRIENDS BE LOOKING OU FOR YOU.
"I THINK YOUR GIRL'S OU PROWLING.
I JUST SEEN HER CAR."
AND DON'T FALL ASLEEP, FELLAS,
BEFORE YOUR GIRL
'CAUSE THEY WILL RANSACK
YOUR SHIT.
YOU EVER FALL ASLEEP
AND WAKE UP
AND REALIZE YOU AIN'T GO THAT PHONE IN YOUR POCKET?
BE LIKE, "OH, SHIT. MY PHONE.
BABY!
WHAT ROOM YOU IN?!
THIS BITCH GOT MY PHONE.
BABY, WHAT ROOM YOU IN?
YOU SEEN YOUR MAMA?
WHERE YOUR MAMA AT?
WHERE YOUR MAMA?
BABY!"
THEY GET THAT MOTHERFUCKING
PHONE, IT IS A WRAP.
THAT'S A REAL NIGHTMARE
RIGHT THERE, DETROIT.
YOU IN A COLD SLEEP,
AND THAT'S ALL YOU HEAR --
"WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!"
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE
IT'S HAPPENING.
YOU BE LIKE, "IS THIS A DREAM?"
YOU BE LOOKING WITH YOUR EYES
SQUINTING AND SHIT.
"WHO IS THIS, NIGGA?
AIN'T NO SUN IN HERE."
NIGGA LOOKING LIKE THE SUN'S
IN HIS EYES.
"AIN'T NO SUN IN HERE.
WHO IS THIS?!"
"I DON'T KNOW."
"CALL THE BITCH."
YOU WALK AROUND THE HOUSE BUT NAKED WITH SOME UNDERWEAR ON,
CALLING BITCHES.
"YEAH, THIS IS MIKE.
UH, DON'T NEVER CALL ME AGAIN,
BITCH, YEAH.
FUCK YOU,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"
HE COULD BE LOOKING AT HIS GIRL,
TALKING,
"YEAH, BITCH, DON'T EVER CALL ME
BACK AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?"
"CALL THE OTHER BITCH.
I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YOU."
"YEAH, THIS IS MIKE.
UH, DON'T NEVER
CALL ME BACK AGAIN.
YOU FUCKING MY FAMILY UP, BITCH.
BYE."
"DON'T BE SAYING 'BYE'
AT THE END, NIGGA!
YOU'RE TRYING TO LEAVE
SOME HOPE, AIN'T YOU?
I'M CHANGING THE NUMBER
IN THE MORNING."
YOU KNOW, FUCKING WOMEN
PUT THE PRESSURE ON THE NIGGA.
THEY WANT TO FEEL YOUR BALLS
WHEN YOU COME IN THE HOUSE.
"LET ME FEEL YOUR NUTS.
YOUR NUTS FEEL EMPTY, MAN.
HOW MUCH DID THEY WEIGH
'FORE I LEFT, MAN?
"I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING WHEN YOU
HAD THAT BOTTLE OF VINEGAR
NEXT TO THE TUB."
LOOK HOW ALL THE OLD BITCHES
KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
SNAP THAT PUSSY BACK
[IMITATES WHIP]
"YEAH, I'M GONNA TIGHTEN
THIS PUSSY UP
ON THIS NIGGA TONIGHT.
TWO CAPFULS OF THIS VINEGAR."
SNAP THAT PUSSY BACK
[IMITATES WHIP]
"GIRL, I'M LOOKING
IN MY CABINET.
I DONE RAN OU OF THAT SNAP-BACK.
COME OVER.
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER THERE."
SNAP THAT PUSSY BACK
[IMITATES WHIP]
ALL THE YOUNG BITCHES
STILL DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
"WHAT'S THE VINEGAR SHI HE TALKING ABOUT?"
THEY GOING TO THE STORE
RIGHT AFTER THIS.
"WHAT AISLE'S THE VINEGAR ON,
MA'AM?"
"YOU MUST WANT TO..."
SNAP THAT PUSSY BACK
[IMITATES WHIP]
LOOK AT THEM.
THEY LIKE THAT,
DON'T THEY, FELLAS?
BUT THEY DON'T LIKE WHEN WE MAKE
THE PUSSY FART, DO THEY?
[IMITATES FARTING]
"YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY,
YOU MAKING MY PUSSY FART."
[IMITATES FARTING]
NIGGA MAKE A SONG
LIKE DOUG E. FRESH.
[BEATBOXING]
"GET UP.
YOU MAKING MY PUSSY FART."
THEY THINK THEY DONE DID
THEIR THING.
AIR DONE GOT IN THERE.
THEY LIFTED THEIR LEGS UP.
AS SOON AS THEY LE THEM LEGS DOWN.
[IMITATES FARTING]
"I'M SO SORRY."
DON'T BE SORRY.
WHICH HOLE DID THAT AIR
COME OUT OF?
'CAUSE I SMELLED STEAMED
BROCCOLI, GODDAMN IT,
NOW GET UP.
[IMITATES FARTING]
I SEEN CREAM OF WHEAT DUS COME OUT OF THERE.
[IMITATES FARTING]
AND, FELLAS, YOU GOT TO FUCK
THESE GIRLS GOOD,
'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T, THEY AIN' GONNA GIVE YOU NO PLAY.
YOU BE LIKE,
"I WONDER WHY SHE DON'T SAY
NOTHING TO ME NO MORE, MAN."
YOU SEE HER IN THE CLUB.
"WHAT'S UP?!"
SHE BE LIKE, "HEY...
SORRY-ASS MOTHERFUCKER.
TWO-SECOND-ASS, BITCH-ASS
NIGGA, WASTING MY TIME."
YOU GOT TO TEAR
THE PUSSY DOWN.
IF YOU DON'T FUCK THEM GOOD,
YOU KNOW THEY GONNA PULL OU THAT LITTLE...
[BUZZING]
LOOK AT THEM.
THEY LOVE THAT SHIT.
[BUZZING]
PUT THE MOTHERFUCKING TOY
OUT OF THE EQUATION.
YOU DONE TORE THE PUSSY DOWN.
"WATCH OUT."
[BUZZING]
THEN THE BATTERIES GO DOWN.
[LOW-PITCHED BUZZING]
YOU BE LIKE, "YEAH, BITCH.
YOU WANT TO PLAY NOW."
[LOW-PITCHED BUZZING]
SHE ALL IN THE KITCHEN,
BUTT NAKED ON HER TIPPY TOES,
LOOKING FOR BATTERIES.
"OH, MY GOD.
THE FEELING'S GOING AWAY.
I NEED SOME BATTERIES."
ALL IN THE KITCHEN DRAWERS,
"OH, MY GOD,
WHERE'S
THE MOTHERFUCKING BATTERIES?"
THEY FINALLY TAKE THE BATTERIES
OUT THE REMOTE CONTROL.
"GET THE CHANNEL
YOU GONNA WATCH.
PUT THE MOTHERFUCKING
REMOTE CONTROL DOWN.
I'M TAKING THE BATTERIES
OUT OF HERE."
[HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING]
THEY GET MAD WHEN WE GOT A PORNO
TAPE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE.
"KEEP THESE BITCHES
OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
MOTHERFUCKING FRISBEE --
THREW THE MOTHERFUCKER.
"I DON'T KNOW THEM BITCHES.
THEY LIVE IN SAN DIEGO."
WOMEN LOVE TO CATCH A NIGGA
JACKING OFF.
THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO HAVE THE
REMOTE CONTROL
RIGHT HERE ON YOUR LAP --
SO YOU CAN HIT "STOP"
AND PUT YOUR DICK
UNDER YOUR SHIRT.
"WHO IS THAT?"
SON!
THAT'S HOW WOMEN WALK IN
THE DOOR ON YOUR ASS --
JUST LIKE THIS.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN.
THIS IS HOW THEY COME AROUND
THE CORNER LIKE THIS.
"CAUGHT YOUR ASS, DIDN'T I?
SMELL FUNNY IN HERE."
"WHAT IT SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE?
MY BALLS IS OUT.
CHERRIES?"
AND, LADIES,
YOU GOT TO WATCH THESE MEN.
JUST 'CAUSE A NIGGA GOT MONEY
DON'T MEAN HE GOT HIS DICK
CUT RIGHT WHEN HE WAS A BABY.
NIGGA PULL HIS DICK OUT, AND
MOTHERFUCKER GOT A TURTLENECK.
I THINK THIS BROTHER
GOT A TURTLENECK
"GIRL, HE GOT MONEY, BUT HE GO BLANKET LINT ON HIS DICK.
WHAT DO I DO?
WHAT DO I DO?"
I'M FEELING GOOD, MOTHERFUCKER.
WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT.
CAN'T NOBODY TELL ME SHIT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I FEEL LIKE I CAN SELL WEED
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE STREET.
OBAMA SMOKE WEED.
LOOK AT THAT LITTLE WALK HE GOT.
YOU SEE THAT LITTLE WALK?
I SEEN HIM ALMOST FALL ONE TIME.
SEE, THIS NIGGA'S
A PIMP RIGHT HERE.
LIPS PURPLE -- HE SMOKING THEM
GRAPE SWISHER SWEETS?
LOOK AT HIS LIPS.
BUSH GOT ALL THE MONEY.
HE'S A ROTTEN MOTHERFUCKER,
THAT LITTLE BUSH.
OH, HE SOMEWHERE RIGHT NOW
WITH HIS SHIRT OFF,
EATING CHICKEN WINGS,
COUNTING HIS MONEY.
"OH, I RAKED UP PRETTY GOOD."
HE JUST LOOK AT YOU WITH
THAT LITTLE SMIRK LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW HOW BUSH LOOK AT YOU,
LIKE, "YOU KNOW I FUCKED YOU.
BUT WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
NOTHING!"
THEY TRIED TO FUCK
OBAMA'S OATH UP.
YOU SEE WHEN HE HAD HIS HAND UP?
HE HAD TO STOP
AND LOOK AT THE MAN LIKE,
"I'LL SLAP THE SHIT OUT YOU
UP HERE IF YOU MESS MY SHIT UP.
TRY TO READ MY OATH WITH A
NOW and LATER IN YOUR MOUTH."
YOU KNOW OBAMA'S REAL.
HE GETTING THEM
THREATENING CALLS, TOO.
HE GOT THE SAME PRESSURE
OF A NIGGA
THAT GOT 30 KILOS
IN THE BASEMENT.
[IMITATES TELEPHONE RINGING]
"HELLO?"
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, NIGGA."
"HELLO?!"
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU,
MOTHERFUCKER.
YOU THINK YOU THE SHIT."
"JESSE?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I KNOW WHO IT IS, MICHELLE.
IT'S JESSE JACKSON.
STOP PLAYING
ON MY FUCKING PHONE.
NO, YOU CAN'T COME
TO THE WHITE HOUSE, NIGGA.
TRYING TO CALL ME A BITCH
ON THE MIKE ONE NIGHT."
THEY CAUGHT JESSE'S ASS
HATING ON HIM.
"TALK ABOUT SUCK MY DICK,
NIGGA."
THEY CAUGHT JESSE.
CAUGHT YOU, DIDN'T THEY, JESSE?
HE SITTING UP THERE AT THE
INAUGURATION, CRYING,
LIKE HE JUST SO HAPPY,
LOOKING LIKE A DRUNK-ASS
PEKINESE, JUST...
"MAN, THAT SURE WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE ME.
KEEP HOPE ALIVE."
HE'S JUS A ROTTEN MOTHERFUCKER, MAN.
YOU GOT MARTIN LUTHER KING SHOT,
MAN.
POP!
"WATCH OUT, KING!
GODDAMN IT! GET OUT THE WAY!"
"JESSE, THEY WAS AFTER YOU."
"I KNOW WHO IT WAS.
I KNOW THAT.
I TRIED TO FUCK HIS WIFE.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."
AH, SHIT.
THAT FUCKING BIN LADEN --
THEY STILL CAN'T FIND HIM.
EVERY CHANCE HE GET,
HE LET THEM KNOW.
AS SOON AS OBAMA WON,
NIGGA CALL.
[Foreign accent]
"WE WON, MY NIGGA."
"WHO IS THIS?"
[Foreign accent] "IT'S
THE NIGGA YOU LOVE TO HATE.
IT'S LADI-DADI.
AND WE LIKES TO PARTY."
HE SEND HIM A TAPE
EVERY CHANCE HE GET.
[Foreign accent]
"THIS IS MY NEW VIDEO.
EXCLUSIVE.
'RHAPSODY THE BASEMENT,'
WITH MY NIGGA, BIG TIGGER."
[IMITATES ARABIC CHANTING]
[IMITATES DRUM BEAT]
GETTIN' BIN LADEN MONEY
WE GETTIN' BIN LADEN MONEY
[IMITATES ARABIC CHANTING]
WE GETTIN' BIN LADEN MONEY
JUST THINK OF ALL THEM
BUSTA RHYMES VIDEO.
[IMITATES ARABIC CHANTING]
MUSLIM WOMEN BUTT NAKED
WITH JUST THIS ON.
[IMITATES ARABIC CHANTING]
OH, MAN.
IT'S CRAZY OUT HERE, MAN.
WHITE PEOPLE,
I FEEL SORRY FOR Y'ALL.
Y'ALL KIDS WILL KILL Y'ALL...
IN A MOTHERFUCKING MINUTE.
"TIMMY, YOU'RE GROUNDED."
"AND YOU'RE DEAD, MOM BITCH!
YOU'RE FUCKING OUT OF HERE,
MAN!"
THAT'S HOW THEY ALWAYS DO
THE LEG AND THEIR FOOT --
"YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, MOM!
YOU'RE DEAD --
FUCKING DEAD AS DEAD, MAN!"
"TIMMY, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"
"YOU'RE THE FUCKING PROBLEM.
YOU'RE THE PROBLEM,
DAD'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM.
I TOLD YOU I WANT MY FUCKING
SKATEBOARD OUT THE SHOP, BITCH!"
LOOK AT WHITE PEOPLE.
"I DON'T ACT LIKE THAT.
MY SON DOESN'T DO THAT."
YOU COME HOME FROM SCHOOL,
LITTLE TIMMY IN THE GARAGE
MAKING A BOMB.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TIMMY?"
"NOTHING, MOM!
GET OUT OF HERE NOW!
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE FUCKING
OUT OF HERE!"
YOU AIN'T NEVER HEARD
OF A LITTLE BLACK KID
KILLING THEY MAMA,
HAVE YOU?
'CAUSE THERE WILL BE A SHOOTOU IN THAT MOTHER.
YOU KNOW, BLACK MOTHERS GO INSTINCTS LIKE THEY IN VIETNAM.
"WHAT YOU DOING IN THAT ROOM
SO MOTHERFUCKING LONG?
YOU NEED TO SAY SOMETHING
WHEN YOU IN THERE."
"THIS IS MY ROOM."
YOU KNOW THEM BLACK MOTHERS LOVE
JUMPING ON THEY DAUGHTERS.
THEM MAMAS AND DAUGHTERS
ALWAYS GO THAT LITTLE RIVAL THING
AFTER A WHILE.
YOU KNOW WHEN THE DAUGHTERS
START GETTING SPUNKY
WITH HER MAMA,
TELL HER TO DO SOMETHING.
"I'M-A DO IT. SHIT."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?
BITCH, I'LL KNOCK YOUR HEAD IN
BETWEEN THAT WASHER AND DRYER.
DON'T TALK
THAT MOTHERFUCKING SHIT TO ME."
YOU KNOW, BLACK MOTHERS LOVE
TO DO THAT FIRST JUMP ON.
"LET'S GET AN UNDERSTANDING
AROUND HERE, HEIFER."
AND THEN THEY CALL
AND TELL EVERYBODY.
"I HAD TO KNOCK SHANIQUA'S
MOTHERFUCKING --
I TRIED TO KICK THAT BITCH
ALL BEHIND THE DAMN
WASHER AND DRYER.
I GUESS 'CAUSE SHE GOT TITTIES
SHE THINK SHE RUNNING SOMETHING
AROUND HERE.
I HAD TO LET HER KNOW --
BUY YOUR OWN TAMPONS!
UNTIL YOU CAN BUY
YOUR OWN TAMPONS,
DON'T SAY A MOTHERFUCKING THING
TO ME.
BITCH WILL WANT TO BORROW
A TAMPON,
TALK CRAZY BACK TO A BITCH."
THEN THE NEXT TWO DAYS --
"I LOVE YOU, BABY.
WANT TO GO HAVE LUNCH?"
"YEAH, IF YOU DIDN'T BEAT ME
ALL UPSIDE THE FUCKING HEAD
AND TOLD EVERYBODY
AT THE CHURCH."
BLACK MAMAS WILL HIT YOUR ASS
ANYWHERE --
CHURCH, PARKING LOT, COURT --
ANY MOTHERFUCKING WHERE.
IF YOU EVER GET HIT, YOU BE
LOOKING TO SEE WHO SEEN IT.
BE A WHITE MAN JUST LOOKING
AT YOU LIKE THIS.
"YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL,
LITTLE BUDDY."
"YOU BETTER SHUT THE FUCK UP."
"HE'S PRETTY FEISTY, ISN'T HE?"
"YEAH, I'M-A KNOCK HIS
MOTHERFUCKING TEETH
OUT OF HIS MOUTH."
[LAUGHS]
MY MOTHER TRIED TO RAISE US
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS.
I WAS LIKE, "OH, HELL, NO.
NOT THAT.
NO FUCKING CHRISTMAS GIFTS?
FUCK THIS SHIT!"
KEEP TYING NOTES TO MY SHIRT --
"HE'S NOT TO PARTICIPATE
IN ANY ACTIVITIES."
"THIS NOTE WON'T MAKE I THIS YEAR.
I'M GETTING A FUCKING GIF THIS YEAR."
KNOCKING ON PEOPLE'S DOORS --
"DO YOU KNOW THE TRUTH?"
"GET OFF MY PORCH, BITCH."
"YEP, THE DEVIL'S IN THERE.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, KIDS."
HEY, IT'S FUCKING CRAZY
OUT HERE.
I WANT TO TURN MY LIFE OVER
TO GOD, BUT IT IS HARD AS HELL.
EVERY TIME SOMETHING HAPPEN
TO US, THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
"OH, GOD,
PLEASE DON'T DO IT TO ME, MAN.
I TELL YOU THIS IS IT, MAN.
I'M -- I'M LEAVING
THESE NIGGAS ALONE.
ALL THESE BITCHES --
I'M TELLING YOU THIS IS IT, MAN.
I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT, MAN.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN CAME TO YOU."
AS SOON AS YOU FEEL GOOD,
NIGGA, YOU'RE BACK OUT.
FUCK THESE BITCHES
I'M GONNA FUCK THESE BITCHES
GOD BE LIKE, "HE'S A LYING
MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT THERE.
LYING-ASS NIGGA.
DON'T YOU CALL ME NO MORE."
THESE MOTHERFUCKING CHURCHES
ARE GETTING EXPENSIVE!
YOU THINK THESE PREACHERS DON' KNOW IT'S A FUCKING RECESSION?
EVERY TIME THEY CATCH YOU
CATCHING THE HOLY GHOST --
"WE GONNA TAKE THE PLATE
ONE MORE TIME!
PASS THE PLATE ONE MORE TIME!"
I SEEN OLD LADIES
SNAP OUT OF THE HOLY GHOST.
SHE'S LIKE,
"LA-- OH, HELL, NO!
NOW, THAT'S JUS TAKING ADVANTAGE
OF A MOTHERFUCKER
RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S THE THIRD TIME HE DONE
SENT THE PLATE AROUND HERE.
NOW, THAT'S IT, NOW."
THEY GOT FAMILIES THAT KNOW
HOW TO TIME
THAT MOTHERFUCKING PLATE.
YOU SEE A WHOLE FAMILY GET UP.
THEY KNOW HOW TO DO IT.
YOU SEE THE FATHER GET UP FIRST.
MOTHERFUCKER JUST STAR WALKING OUT.
KIDS BE RIGHT BEHIND HIM.
PASTOR, "LOOK AT THIS SHI RIGHT THERE! LOOK AT THAT!
THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL STEALING,
NOW."
SOME OF THEM PASTORS
NEED TO QUIT IT, FOR REAL.
LIKE, THEM NIGGAS THAT BE ON TV
4:30 IN THE MORNING.
BE LIKE,
"NIGGA, WHAT THE HELL?"
"YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND.
YOU SEE THE LORD --
[SCREECHES]
LET US TURN THE PAGE -- 33 --
CORINTHIANS 33:45.
AND IT'LL TELL YOU --
YOU'LL SEE THE --
[SCREECHES]"
BE LIKE, "NIGGA, IT IS
THE REASON WHY YOU ON THE TV
AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING.
YOU AIN'T SHIT."
AND I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, TV AND
THE COMPUTER IS SOME BULLSHIT.
THAT'S ALL THEY GO IS BULLSHIT ON THERE.
JUDGE JOE BROWN --
YOU EVER WATCH HIM?
[Imitates Judge Joe Brown]
"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
YOU HAD $25,
AND YOU TURNED AROUND
AND GAVE THE OTHER LADY
$8 OF THE MONEY?
SIT DOWN."
[Normal voice]
WHAT ABOUT JUDGE MATHIS?
HE'S A MOTHERFUCKER, AIN'T HE?
THAT'S DETROIT'S FINEST.
HE'LL CALL YOU A CRACKHEAD
IN A MINUTE.
[Imitates Judge Mathis] "SO
THAT'S WHAT THE LADY SAID.
I KNOW WHAT SHE SAID.
HUH? GO AHEAD.
SAY IT AGAIN.
AND SHE'S A CRACKHEAD.
I KNOW A CRACKHEAD
WHEN I SEE ONE.
GO AHEAD. HUH?
AND YOU GAVE HER THE $35.
I KNOW A CRACKHEAD.
YEAH, I KNOW YOUR STUFF.
I WENT TO SCHOOL
WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
YOU TRYING TO PULL A GAME ON ME.
GANGS -- I'VE BEEN THERE."
[Normal voice]
DON'T YOU HATE THAT GUY
ON THAT COLLEGE COMMERCIAL --
THAT EVEREST COLLEGE COMMERCIAL?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
"GET UP. COME ON.
WHAT YOU DOING?
YOU AIN'T DOING
NOTHING WITH YOURSELF.
COME ON, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE A BUM
JUST SITTING THERE!
YOU AIN'T DOING NOTHING!
DO SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF.
COME ON DOWN TO COLLEGE.
MAN, YOU UGLY AS HELL.
MAN, COME ON, MAN.
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU AIN'T GOT NO JOB.
YOU AIN'T DOING NOTHING
WITH YOURSELF.
COME ON, GET A COLLEGE DEGREE!"
YOU BE LIKE,
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, NIGGA!
I'M DOING SOMETHING WITH MYSELF!
I'LL KILL THAT NIGGA
DOWN AT EVEREST COLLEGE, MAN."
10 MINUTES LATER,
HERE COME THE BITCH.
"COME ON.
WHAT YOU GOT IN THERE, HUH?
YOU AIN'T DOING NOTHING
WITH YOURSELF.
LIFE'S FUCKED UP."
[CHUCKLES]
WHAT ABOUT "FIRST 48"?
YOU EVER WATCH THAT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU GOT TO READ THE BIBLE
AFTER YOU WATCH THAT SHIT.
I'M STRAIGHTENING MY LIFE UP
AFTER THIS EPISODE.
THAT WAS FUCKED UP.
I AIN'T BULLSHITTING.
IT CAN HAPPEN.
THEY NEED TO CALL "FIRST 48"
"FIRST 48 SNITCHES,"
'CAUSE THEM ARE SOME
RATATOUILLE-ASS NIGGAS
ON THAT SHOW.
I HAVEN'T SEEN AN EPISODE YE WHERE THEY DIDN'T TELL.
SOON AS THE POLICE RIDE UP.
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP!"
"TONY CLARK."
POLICE, "WAIT A MINUTE, NIGGA.
WHO IS TONY CLARK?"
"I TELL YOU WHO IT IS.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
LET'S GO DOWNTOWN.
I'M READY TO GET A SODA.
I'M READY TO DRINK A SODA,
BABY, LET'S DO IT.
AND YOU BETTER GE TWO 90-MINUTE TAPES
'CAUSE I GOT A WHOLE LOT OF SHI I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT."
THAT LADY MAKE EVERYBODY TELL.
WHAT'S HER NAME -- MS. MASON?
YOU KNOW HOW THE SHOW COME ON.
[IMITATES THEME MUSIC]
"IN THE FIRST 48..."
WHEN THEY GET THE NIGGA
IN THE ROOM,
SHE GO RIGHT IN THERE
AT HIM.
"NOW, LITTLE COOKIE,
YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW
THAT EVERYBODY
IN THE HOOD KNOW
WHO KILLED LITTLE POO-POO
THURSDAY NIGHT."
THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW
THE NIGGA GONNA TELL,
WHEN THEY GO LIKE THIS --
[SIGHS]
"BOOYAH! I THINK WE GOT HIM!"
WHEN THEY COME BACK
FROM A COMMERCIAL,
NIGGA BEEN SAYING SOMETHING.
YOU CAN TELL
'CAUSE HE GOT A CIGARETTE.
NIGGA RELAXED.
"YEAH, I SEEN A LITTLE
SOMETHING-SOMETHING-SOMETHING."
BY THE TIME THE SHOW'S GOING
OFF, THIS NIGGA AT RED LOBSTER.
"I SEEN THREE MURDERS.
GIVE ME THAT BUTTER RIGHT THERE.
PUT THAT..."
"NIGGA, YOU DONE TOLD
FOR AN ULTIMATE FEAST?"
WHAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
ABOUT A NIGGA TELLING,
NIGGA STILL GO TO JAIL.
YOU DID ALL THAT TELLING,
AND YOU STILL IN HERE?
NIGGAS IN JAIL ARE
THE LYINGEST MOTHERFUCKERS EVER.
NIGGA BE IN JAIL LYING LIKE ME.
"YOU KNOW THEY TOOK
$100,000 FROM ME, MAN!
KICKED THAT DOPE, TOOK $100,000,
TOOK $50,000, MAN.
TOOK EVERYTHING."
YOU LIKE, "WHY YOU AIN'T GO NO MONEY ON YOUR BOOKS?"
"THEY TOOK EVERYTHING.
I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE $15
TO PUT ON ANY NIGGA'S BOOKS."
WHEN NIGGAS GO TO PRISON, MAN,
THEY TURN INTO EVERYTHING.
STRAIGHT UP.
I KNOW A NIGGA
THAT DONE KILLED NINE NIGGAS.
THIS NIGGA'S IN
A CHRISTMAS PLAY THIS YEAR.
THIS NIGGA --
[HUMS
"THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY"]
I ME--
I SAID, "DO THEY KNOW
WHO THEY GOT IN THIS PLAY?"
THIS NIGGA IS GONNA TIE SANTA,
EVERYBODY UP.
[HUMS
"THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY"]
NIGGAS COME HOME FROM PRISON --
THEY WANT YOU TO TAKE THEM
TO THE MALL, DON'T THEY?
"TAKE ME TO THE MALL, BABY.
YOU KNOW I JUST CAME HOME, MAN.
GONNA GET ME RIGHT, BABY!
TAKE ME TO NORTHLAND, BABY,
GET ME A SWEATER!
YEAH, MAN, TAKE ME THERE, MAN."
THEY TELL EVERYBODY, TOO.
"YEAH, TONY GOT ME TWO SWEATERS.
I JUST GOT TWO SWEATERS.
TONY GAVE ME TWO SWEATERS.
I GOT A PAIR OF PANTS
THE OTHER NIGHT."
SEE THE NIGGA A YEAR LATER.
"MAN, YOU KNOW I JUST CAME HOME,
DON'T YOU?"
"NIGGA, YOU'VE BEEN HOME
FOR A WHILE NOW.
QUIT LYING, MOTHERFUCKER."
AND IF YOU'VE BEEN SELLING DOPE
FOR 20 YEARS
AND YOU AIN'T GOT SHIT,
IT'S PROBABLY TIME TO GET A JOB.
I'M BEING STRAIGHT UP.
YOU CAN MAKE MORE MONEY ON A JOB
THAN THEM THOSE
KIBBLES AND BITS.
YOU BEEN THROWING ROCKS
AT THE PENITENTIARY
FOR $140 A WEEK, ANYWAY.
FOR $140 A WEEK.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO GET A JOB.
YOU IN IT FOR THE LIFESTYLE,
NOT THE PAPER.
YOU'RE TRICKING BITCHES
WITH A GOLD CHAIN.
LOOK AT THE SUGAR DADDY
RIGHT THERE.
YOU COULD HAVE
WHATEVER YOU LIKE
I SAID YOU COULD HAVE
WHATEVER YOU LIKE
HEY
LOOK AT SUGAR DADDY.
SUGAR DADDY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IF YOU DON'T SIT YOUR BIG
B.B. KING-LOOKING ASS...
YOU COULD HAVE
WHATEVER YOU LIKE
HEY
STACKS ON ME
PATRON ON ICE
PUT IT ON DOWN, BUT IT JUST
I SAID, YOU COULD HAVE
WHATEVER YOU LIKE
THAT'S RIGHT.
GIVE IT UP FOR HIM, Y'ALL.
ONE MORE TIME, SUGAR DADDY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S ONE OF THEM OLD PLAYERS
BE LOOKING OVER HIS GLASSES
IN THE CLUB.
BOY, THERE'S SOME FINE BITCHES
IN HERE TONIGHT.
NIGGA HAD THIS MANY KEYS.
GODDAMN, THIS IS MAGNIFICENT.
WHERE ARE THE BAD BITCHES AT?
GODDAMN, THERE'S SOME BAD
BITCHES IN THERE.
SMITTY, WHERE ARE THE LITTLE BAD
BITCHES IN THE HOUSE?
OH, LOOK AT THAT ASS -- FATTER
THAN A COUNTRY BOY'S LUNCH BOX.
LOOK OUT. LOOK OUT.
LOOK OUT. LOOK OUT.
I'D LIKE TO HAD TO GO THAT PUSSY THE OTHER NIGHT.
I'D LIKE TO HAD TO GO THAT PUSSY.
I'D LIKE TO HAD TO GOT IT.
I'M TELLING YOU."
THAT'S HOW THEM OLD MEN
BE TALKING.
"LOOK HERE, SON.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I JUST GOT A WHOLE NEW --
I JUST GOT A WHOLE NEW --
LOOK OUT THERE
IN THE BACK OF THAT TRUNK
AND GET Y'ALL SODA OUT OF THERE.
GET YOUR SODA OUT OF THERE."
WHEN THEM OLD MEN COMING IN
THE HOUSE, THAT'S ALL YOU HEAR.
[KEYS JINGLING]
"DAMN, WHAT KEY IS THIS?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT GODDA--"
[KEYS JINGLING]
THEN YOU HEAR HIM HOLLER.
"BARBARA!
[KEYS JINGLING]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT GODDAMN KEY
THIS IS RIGHT HERE."
THERE'S SOME SUGAR DADDIES
IN HERE
'CAUSE I SEEN ABOUT NINE VANS
OUTSIDE.
THAT'S ALL THEM OLD PLAYERS
DRIVE IS VANS.
"SHIT, I AIN'T ABOU NO GODDAMN HOTEL.
TAKE HER RIGHT IN THE BACK
OF THE GODDAMN VAN.
YEAH, SURE DID.
FUCKED HER FOR $77."
NIGGAS ALWAYS SAY
AN ODD NUMBER.
"SHIT, GET ME SOME OF THA PUSSY FOR $38 THE OTHER NIGHT.
SURE DID."
THERE'S A LOT OF OLDER LADIES
IN HERE
TRYING TO GIVE AWAY
SOME OF THAT COUGAR PUSSY.
[HISSES]
YOU COULD HAVE
WHATEVER YOU LIKE
"COME ON, GET SOME OF THIS
COUGAR PUSSY, YOUNG BOY."
SHIT, THEM OLD LADIES
BUY YOU LAWN MOWERS
AND HEDGE CUTTERS AND SHIT.
"MAMA BOUGHT YOU A HEDGE CUTTER,
BABY."
"I AIN'T DOING NO YARD WORK,
BITCH.
LET ME USE THE CAR."
I GOT A BUDDY
UNDER INVESTIGATION RIGHT NOW.
THIS NIGGA BEEN TAKING FOOD
UP INTO THE NURSING HOME,
FEEDING OLD WOMEN,
GETTING THEY CHECKS.
HE RIDING AROUND
WITH THE OLD WOMEN IN THEY CAR.
OLD WOMEN GOT THE SAME
JOGGING SUIT HE GOT ON.
"YEAH, MAN,
THAT'S MY GIRL IN THERE."
I SAID,
"NIGGA, THAT AIN'T YOUR GIRL.
TAKE THAT OLD LADY HOME."
3:00 IN THE MORNING,
SHE IN THE CAR ASLEEP.
THIS NIGGA EATING CHICKEN
OUTSIDE OF THE CAR,
MUSIC BLARING.
OLD LADY IN THE CAR KNOCKED THE
FUCK OUT WITH A JOGGING SUIT ON.
I SAID, "MAN,
TAKE THAT OLD LADY ASS HOME."
SHE ABOUT TO GET UP ANYWAY.
IT'S ABOUT 4:30.
SHE GET UP ANYWAY THAT TIME.
I SAID, "THIS IS A ROTTEN
MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE, NIGGA.
YOU GOING TO DOUBLE HELL
WITH GASOLINE DRAWERS ON.
YOU ARE FUCKED UP."
I SAID,
"DO YOU FUCK ANY OF THEM?"
"EVERY NOW AND THEN,
I HIT ONE OF THEM.
EVERY NOW AND THEN,
I HIT THEM AND SPLIT THEM,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I DO A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THEM.
GET ON, WAVE IT AROUND."
I SAID,
"YOU'S A FOUL NIGGA.
IF I CATCH YOU NEAR MY GRANDMA,
I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP."
SOME OF THEM GRANDMAS, THOUGH,
THEY BE HOT IN THE PANTS.
THEY BE IN THERE TALKING ALL
NICE TO YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS.
AS SOON AS YOU WALK OUT, THEY
JUMP IN YOUR FRIENDS' FACES.
"MAN, COME AND GE YOUR GRANDMOTHER."
"WHAT?
I AIN'T DID NOTHING.
AIN'T NOBODY DOING NOTHING."
WE HAVE SOME SUGAR DADDIES
IN HERE TONIGHT,
AND I KNOWING SOME OLDER LADIES
IN HERE TONIGHT.
AND I JUST WAN TO LET Y'ALL KNOW
THAT TIMES
HAVE REALLY CHANGED.
YOU KNOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED.
HOW DID WE GO FROM...
OH, GIRL
I'D BE IN TROUBLE
IF I LEFT YOU NOW
...TO... [Rapping]
I WAS GETTIN' SOME HEAD
I WAS GETTIN' SOME HEAD
MY GRANDMOTHER
IS 80-SOMETHING YEARS OLD.
SHE DON'T KNOW WHAT "HEAD"
MEAN -- THE WORD "HEAD."
MY LITTLE NEPHEWS
WAS PLAYING THAT SONG.
SHE CAME IN THERE AND SAID,
"CUT IT OFF RIGHT NOW
BEFORE I COME IN THERE AND GE SOME HEAD OUT OF ALL OF YOU!
AND I MEAN CUT IT OFF
RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!
I GAVE YOUR DADDY HEAD, YOUR
DADDY HEAD, YOUR DADDY HEAD.
I'VE BEEN GIVING HEAD
AROUND HERE FOR MANY YEARS.
NOW CUT IT OFF!"
THEY WAS LAUGHING LIKE A MOTHER.
EVERY FIVE MINUTES,
THEY WAS RUNNING IN THE ROOM,
PLAYING, "GRANDMA."
"WHAT?"
"YOU STILL GONNA GIVE US
SOME HEAD
LIKE YOU SAID YOU WAS
EARLIER TODAY?"
"YOU DAMN RIGHT I'M GONNA
GIVE YOU HEAD LIKE I SAID.
KEEP ON COMING IN AND ASK, I'M
GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU RIGHT NOW!"
"I GOT TO PEE.
I CAN'T DO IT RIGHT NOW."
SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK
THEY WAS TALKING ABOUT.
MY AUNTIE TOLD HER
WHAT THEY WAS TALKING ABOUT.
THEY WAS IN THERE ASLEEP.
SHE CAME IN THERE.
"GET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS!
I WAS TALKING ABOUT SUCKING
A DICK EARLIER TODAY!"
MY GRANDMOTHER'S SITTING
ON THE TOILET LIKE THIS
WITH A CIGARETTE
AND JUST OPEN HER LEGS
AND THUMP THE ASHES OUT.
PUH! PUH! PUH!
SHOULDERS BE UP.
"COME HERE.
GET GRANDMA SOME TOILET PAPER."
PUH! PUH! PUH!
SOMETIMES SHE LIF HER WHOLE ASS UP.
PUH! PUH! PUH!
IT LOOK LIKE CHRIS BROWN
IS THE NEW IKE TURNER.
WANNA BEAT YOU, BOO
EVERY DAY
PSSH!
EVERY NIGHT
WE DON'T KNOW WHA THAT FRANKENSTEIN-HEAD BITCH
DID TO HIM.
THERE'S TWO SIDES
TO THE MOTHERFUCKING STORY.
SHIT, I'M DOWN WITH THE WOMEN,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
BUT THE NEW LAW IS...
WHOEVER GET THE PHONE FIRST,
THE OTHER ONE'S GOIN' TO JAIL
SHIT, NIGGAS BE CALLING NOW.
"YEAH, UH, MY WIFE JUST HIT ME
IN THE EYE.
GET DOWN HERE NOW."
THEY DON'T FUCK AROUND
WITH THAT SHIT.
THEY WILL GIVE A NIGGA
A BASKETBALL-JERSEY NUMBER
FOR THAT SHIT.
ONE TIME, MY GIRL CALLED
THE POLICE AND HUNG UP.
THEM MOTHERFUCKERS
STILL CAME OUT.
"UNFORTUNATELY, UM,
SOMEBODY GOT TO GO DOWN."
I WAS LIKE, "FOR WHAT?"
"UM, TAXPAYER'S DOLLARS.
YOU MADE US COME OUT HERE."
SHE LOOKING AT ME.
I'M LOOKING AT HER.
I WENT DOWN THERE
AND GOT HER, MAN.
SHE WAS MADDER
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.
WHAT?
I HAD TO WORK THAT NIGHT.
SHE IN THE CAR LIKE...
[SCREAMS]
I'M LIKE,
"I KNOW. I KNOW HOW IT IS."
[SIGHS]
I'M JUST BULLSHITTING.
I'M JUST PLAYING.
THEY ALL JOKES, MOTHERFUCKERS --
JOKES.
Y'ALL GET SENSITIVE AND SHIT.
NOW I'M IN THE MOVIES.
MOTHERFUCKERS JUST WANT ME
TO CRACK A JOKE
ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.
I'LL JUST BE AT PLACES, MAN.
"SAY SOMETHING FUNNY."
BE LIKE, "NIGGA,
YOU SAY SOMETHING FUNNY."
PEOPLE JUST WALK UP
AND ASK STUPID-ASS QUESTIONS.
"YOU TALK TO ICE CUBE
EVERY DAY?"
"NO, MOTHERFUCKER!"
STUPID SHIT.
AND PEOPLE LOVE
TO CALL ME DAY-DAY.
HOW LONG AM I GONNA BE DAY-DAY?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
FOREVER?
AAAAAAAH
15, 30, 35, 40
[HUMS]
45, 47
"I KNOW DWIGHT."
"DWIGHT WHO?"
"'DA WHITE' AROUND YOUR LIPS."
AND I'M ESCORTED BY TOP-FLIGH SECURITY OF THE WORLD!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[HUMS HEROIC MUSIC]
YEAH, IT'S CRAZY AROUND HERE,
MAN.
I AIN'T BULLSHITTING, MAN.
I WENT TO THE STRIP CLUB THE
OTHER NIGHT -- THE BRASS KEY.
[CROWD SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]
IT WAS ROUGH UP IN THERE.
SMELL MY FINGERS.
I AIN'T BULLSHITTING.
COME HERE, MAN.
I CANNOT GET THIS CAT SMELL
OFF MY HAND.
YOU'RE LIKE,
"MAN, WHAT THE FUCK?"
A GIRL SQUIRT SOME BABY MILK.
I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL
WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?"
"I JUST HAD A SON!"
I SAID,
"DO YOU SEE HIM IN HERE?"
HAD A C-SECTION SCAR
THAT WENT ACROSS THIS WAY.
WHAT YOU HAVE,
A BABY OR HEART SURGERY?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SCAR
IS THAT?
I WENT AND TOLD THE MANAGER.
I SAID, "GIRL'S SQUIRTING
GOAT MILK OVER THERE
IN THE FUCKING CORNER."
"I KNOW WHO IT IS."
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU LET HER
WORK FOR TONIGHT?
YOU KNOW WHO IT IS."
I LOVE DETROIT!
Y'ALL NIGGAS IS GANGSTA
OUT HERE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
I'VE BEEN COMING TO DETROI SINCE 1989.
I WENT TO THE JOB CORPS
RIGHT THERE ON JEFFERSON STREET.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MY MAMA SENT ME UP HERE
TO BE AN ELECTRICIAN.
I WENT BACK HOME
WITH A FINGER WAVE.
SHE'S LIKE, "OH, HELL, NO.
YOU GETTING THE FUCK
OUT OF THERE."
I HAD A BRIEFCASE AND SHIT.
"WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NEW SHI IS THIS?
WHAT'S IN THE BRIEFCASE?!"
"NOTHING."
I LOVE Y'ALL NIGGAS IN DETROIT.
SHIT.
AND NIGGA ASKS WHY YOU ALL HERE
AT THE SHOW DURING A RECESSION?
'CAUSE Y'ALL ARE SOME HUSTLING
SONS OF BITCHES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GE YOUR MONEY, BUT YOU GET IT.
AND IF YOU'RE POOR,
WE WON'T NEVER KNOW IT.
Y'ALL KEEP Y'ALL FRONTS
ALL THE WAY UP.
YOU STAY DOWN UNTIL YOU COME UP.
A NIGGA WON'T NEVER KNOW
WHAT YOU GO UNTIL HE PULL YOU TO THE SIDE
AND SAY,
"MAN, I'M RUNNING ON HARD TIMES
RIGHT NOW."
[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]
THAT'S HOW
ONE OF THEM OLD PLAYERS
GETS SOME MONEY FROM YOU.
THEY JUST STARE
AT YOU FOR A MINUTE
BEFORE THEY SAY SOMETHING.
AS SOON AS THEY CATCH YOUR EYE.
"LET ME HOLLER ABOUT SOMETHING."
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, WHAT THIS
NIGGA WANT RIGHT HERE?"
"LOOK, MAN,
TELL YOU SOMETHING, MAN,
YOU KNOW THEY TOOK $3,500
FROM ME THE OTHER DAY
OVER THERE AT TONY AND EARL
AND THEM HOMES, RIGHT?"
YOU'RE LIKE, "HERE THIS NIGGA
GO ON ONE OF THEM STORIES."
YOU SEE THAT WHITE MAN MADOFF
TOOK ALL THAT MONEY.
YOU SEE THAT SHIT?
MAN, IF THAT WAS A NIGGA,
HE'D BE DEAD.
SHIT, YOU CAN'T TAKE
$1,000 FROM A NIGGA
WITHOUT PUTTING A HIT ON YOU.
I'M FOR REAL.
YOU BORROW MONEY
FROM A WHITE PERSON,
DON'T NEVER GIVE IT BACK.
"THIS IS IT.
THIS IS THE LAST $30."
YOU BORROW SOME MONEY
FROM A BLACK PERSON,
THEY'RE GONNA THREATEN YOU
BEFORE THEY GIVE IT TO YOU.
"LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY MONEY,
PLAYER.
I WORKS TOO HARD FOR MY STIFF.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I STARTED
NOT TO GIVE IT TO YOU."
YOU BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT --
FUCK YOU AND THAT $20,
ALL RIGHT?
ABOUT TO FUCKING LECTURE ME,
NIGGA."
THE BLACK PEOPLE GIVE YOU THE
MONEY AND TELL EVERYBODY.
"WHAT YOU DOING?"
"OH, NOTHING.
JUST GAVE CARLOS $40.
DOING PRETTY BAD
THIS WEEK, MAN.
YOU KNOW, I GUESS GOD
WILL BLESS ME FOR IT,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"
AND EVERYBODY GOT TO DO
THE RIGHT THING,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, TRYING
TO LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
SHIT, THAT'S ALL WE GO AROUND HERE,
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS,
IS EACH OTHER. SHIT.
THAT'S RIGHT. WE AIN'T GO NONE OF THE OLD FOLKS NO MORE.
ALL THESE LITTLE, YOUNG KIDS --
THEY FUCKED UP.
THEY AIN'T GOT NO DIRECTION.
SHIT.
THESE LITTLE KIDS
IS ON EVERYTHING --
SLURP, PILLS, XANAX,
OXYCONTIN, PAINKILLERS,
CIGARETTE, WEED
HENNESSY, VODKA
[HUMS]
THESE LITTLE NIGGAS
IS MARTIANS AROUND HERE.
THEY GO THROUGH 19 EMOTIONS.
YOU BE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP,
LITTLE TONY?"
[SCREAMS]
"I LOVE YOU. OHH! I FEEL --"
[SCREAMS]
BE LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK
IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
"I'M ON EVERYTHING."
I'M RETARDED.
I'VE BEEN IN SPECIAL ED
ALL MY LIFE.
THEY HAVE SURROUNDED ME AROUND
RETARDED KIDS ALL MY LIFE
FOR NOTHING.
FOR REAL.
THEY SAID, "YOU RETARDED --"
MY MOTHER SAID, "YOU WAS
RETARDED WHEN YOU WAS LITTLE.
AND YOU GREW OUT OF IT."
I SAID, "NO, AIN'T NO FUCKING
GROWING OUT OF IT."
I TOLD HER,
"STOP TELLING PEOPLE THAT SHIT."
"YOU WAS RETARDED
AND GREW OUT OF IT."
YOU DON'T FUCKING
GROW OUT OF IT.
IF I WAS RETARDED THEN,
I'LL BE RETARDED NOW, RIGHT?
DO I LOOK RETARDED
TO ANY OF Y'ALL?
WHO'S SAYING "YEAH"?
FUCK YOU, MAN.
THERE'S SOME RETARDED KIDS
IN HERE
'CAUSE I SEEN THE VAN PULL UP
OUTSIDE.
THEY ON A FIELD TRIP --
ABOUT SIX OF THEM TOGETHER.
THAT'S HOW RETARDED KIDS WALK
WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW
WHERE THEY GOING.
"TOBY, OVER HERE!"
"LEAVE ME ALONE.
AND GET OUT OF MY FACE."
I WENT TO SCHOOL
WITH A NIGGA NAMED JUNIOR.
NIGGA HAD A BIG OLD BOOTY,
WORE CORDUROYS EVERY DAY.
CORDUROYS AND CARDBOARD.
YOU'D SAY, "WHAT'S UP, JUNIOR?"
"GET OUT OF MY FACE
AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
NIGGA TONGUE
ALWAYS HANGING OUT.
"LEAVE ME ALONE.
LEAVE ME ALONE."
I WALK IN THE BATHROOM.
THIS NIGGA DONE PULL HIS PANTS
ALL THE WAY DOWN,
PISSING LIKE THIS --
ASS OUT, BELT BUCKLE,
UNDERWEAR,
EVERYTHING DOWN THERE.
I SAID, "MAN, UNZIP YOUR SHIT!"
"LEAVE ME ALONE."
ONE DAY,
I'M IN THE MOTHERFUCKING CLUB.
THIS MOTHERFUCKER -- THIS DUDE
PULL A HOT DOG OUT HIS POCKET --
IN THE BUN --
KETCHUP, MUSTARD, EVERYTHING.
I SAID, "DID THIS MOTHERFUCKER
JUST PULL A DRESSED HOT DOG
OUT HIS POCKET?"
"LEAVE ME ALONE."
I STAYED IN SPECIAL ED.
AND THE BELL WOULD RING.
TEACHER -- "SIT BACK DOWN."
I SAID,
"BITCH, THE BELL JUST RANG."
"PUT YOUR HELMET ON."
I SAID, "I'M NOT PUTTING
NO MOTHERFUCKING HELMET ON."
I WAS IN THERE WITH A NIGGA
HAD A HAND LIKE THIS,
BUT THE NIGGA SING R&B.
AND HE'D GO --
BABY
[BEATBOXING]
AND I REALLY WANNA LOVE YOU
[BEATBOXING]
I SAID, BABY
[BEATBOXING]
AND I REALLY WANNA LOVE YOU
LITTLE HAND BE SWINGING.
"YOU KNOW, GIRL."
[BEATBOXING]
GI-I-RL
THAT'S HOW HE'D WIPE THE SWEA OFF HIS HEAD.
"THIS NEXT SONG IS...
ONE OF MY FAVORITES."
SOMETIMES HE'D GET SEXY WITH IT.
HE'D GO...
BABY
THAT'S HOW HE LOOKED ON HIS
DEBUT ALBUM -- LIKE THIS.
[Deep voice]
HIS NEW DEBUT ALBUM --
"WHERE WILL I GO NOW?"
[Normal voice] Y'ALL THINK
I'M GOING TO HELL FOR THAT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND YOU GOING WITH ME.
YOU WAS LAUGHING.
BABY
[BEATBOXING]
THAT'S HOW HE BE CLEVER.
"COME ON, PUT THEM NUBS
TOGETHER.
COME ON!
YOU KNOW, LADIES..."
WHEN I LOOK INTO YOUR EYES
THAT'S HOW HE GE A LOT OF WOMEN.
HE'D GET THE NUMBER
WITH HIS BACK TURNED.
"PUT YOUR NUMBER IN THE PHONE."
THEY BE GETTING THE PUSSY.
YOU DON'T SEE NOTHING
BUT THAT HAND.
"WHAT IS THAT MOVING?"
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."
SOON AS THE MOTHERFUCKER COME...
BABY
[BEATBOXING]
THERE'S A LOT OF BIG GIRLS
IN HERE TONIGHT.
WHERE THE BIG GIRLS AT?
[WOMEN CHEERING]
I'M GONNA START POINTING
Y'ALL'S ASSES OUT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT KNOWN.
I SEE YOUR HONEYBUN-SMUGGLING
ASS UP IN HERE.
I MADE A SONG FOR THE BIG GIRLS.
COME ON, Y'ALL. CLAP.
WE'RE GONNA DO THE SONG
FOR THE BIG GIRLS.
COME ON NOW.
EVERYBODY GOT A BIG GIRL,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SOME OF Y'ALL MAMAS
IS BIG GIRLS.
AND SOME OF Y'ALL NIGGAS
IS BIG GIRLS, TOO.
COME ON NOW.
[Rapping]
I LIKE BIG GIRLS
I CANNOT LIE
IF YOU NEED A MAN,
BABY, I'M THAT GUY
UP IN THE CLUB, V.I.P.
BIG GIRLS EVERYWHERE,
AND THEY LOVIN' ME
YEAH, I WANT A SANDWICH
I'LL TAKE TWO
PUT IT IN THE KITCHEN
THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO
LOBSTER, CHICKEN, BISCUITS
PUT IT IN THE OVEN
Kool-Aid, PIZZA
DAMN, I LOVE IT
BIG GIRL, BIG JOB,
BIG SALARY
BIG GIRLS DON'T CARE
ABOUT CALORIES
BIG GIRLS DON'T CARE
WHO'S LOOKIN'
ALL THEY WANNA KNOW IS,
"DAMN, WHO COOKIN'?"
I'M MIKE EPPS.
THANK Y'ALL, DETROIT!
[DRUM BEAT PLAYING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MY BOY MIKE EPPS,
REPPING THE "D," BABY!
TWO SOLD-OUT SHOWS.
FIFTH ROW, BABY!
I'LL HOLLER AT YOU.
GET AT US, BABY.
WHAT UP, MIKE EPPS?
WELCOME TO DETROIT, MAN.
HEY, MIKE, MAN,
MUCH LOVE, MAN.
YOU KNOW Y'ALL PUT US
ON THE FRONT STREET,
BUT THIS IS FROM THE MOTOR CITY.
HEY, MIKE EPPS, COME
TO SEE YOU LIVE FROM DETROIT.
WE LOVE YOU!
HEY, MIKE, BABY!
-WE LOVE YOU!
-WE LOVE YOU, MIKE!
WHAT Y'ALL THINKING ABOUT?
WE COME TO SEE MIKE EPPS.
313, DETROIT!
WE LOVE MIKE EPPS, YEAH!
WHOO!
LOVE YOU, MIKE!
LOVE YOU, MIKE!
WE LOVE YOU!
YOU THE MAN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HEY, MIKE, MAN,
MUCH LOVE, MAN.
YOU KNOW Y'ALL PUT US
ON THE FRONT STREET,
BUT THIS IS FROM
THE MOTOR CITY --
THE ORIGINAL,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND THIS IS THE WAY WE DO IT,
JUST LIKE THIS.
GIVE HIM A SPIN-AROUND.
LET HIM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'M HERE TO SEE MIKE EPPS
WITH HIS FINE ASS. [LAUGHS]
MIKE -- "35, 45, 55" --
ALL DAY LONG, BABY.
THAT'S WHAT'S UP.
313 ALL DAY, BABY.
WHAT'S UP, 313?
MIKE EPPS DOING THE REAL THING.
YEAH, YEAH.
AND WE SHOW UP IN OUR BES WHEN WE HAVE OUR GUESTS.
GONNA DO IT REAL BIG, BABY,
DETROIT STYLE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
EVERYTHING IS GOOD
IN THE HOOD.
SO LET'S GO IN,
HAVE A GOOD TIME, PARTY HARDY.
THANK YOU.
YOU SEXY, MIKE EPPS.
[LAUGHS]
I THINK YOU'RE
A MOTHERFUCKING FOOL!
AS YOU CAN SEE,
THE PEOPLE ARE ROLLING IN.
I'M YOUR ROLLER-SCOOTING
NEWS REPORTER G. THANG
LIVE IN FRONT OF THE FOX THEATRE
IN DETROIT.
IT'S NICE.
THE PEOPLE ARE PILING IN.
NO MORE TICKETS LEFT!
MIKE AIN'T PLAYING.
IT'S GOING DOWN.
AND LOOK AT THIS -- MY MAN.
ABOUT TO HIT THE BUILDING,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
WHAT'S UP?
THIS IS MY BOY MIKE EPPS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
BUT YOU OUGHT TO GET DOWN HERE
TRYING TO DO IT,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
DETROIT STYLE.
ONE LOOK, COME ON BACK, MIKE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU HEARD HIM.
TRYING TO KEEP IT CLEAN
DOWN HERE, BABY.
HEY, BABY.
I'M TRYING TO FIND THE FOX.
WE HAVE NO IDEA.
HOW DO I GET TO THE HOOD?
THIS IS THE REAL LIL WAYNE.
[LAUGHS]
THAT WAS SOME NICE WORK
YOU DID THERE.
MIKE EPPS.
WE CAN RECITE
YOUR WHOLE MOVIE FOR YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT.
OHH!
HOW DO I GET TO THE FOX THEATRE?
-YOU WALKING?
-WHO'S WALKING WITH YOU?
ME AND BIN LADEN'S COMING.
WE WALKING TO THE FOX!
MIKE!
[LAUGHS]
MARVIN GAYE RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
MARVIN GAYE RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS MARVIN GAYE
RIGHT HERE!
-MOTOWN.
-MOTOWN, BABY!
YOU UNDERSTAND?
NOTHING BUT WINNERS UP IN HERE.
NOTHING BUT WINNERS.
LET'S DO IT.
[CLIPPERS BUZZING]
NO, NO, DON'T PUT NONE --
YOU DON'T LIKE THA EXTRA-SEXY?
NO, NO.
OH, MAN. ALL RIGHT.
BAM!
THAT LOOKED LIKE SOME LIQUID
DRANO YOU ABOUT TO WIPE ON...
DO SOME OF YOUR MOTOWN.
YOU GOT ANY MOTOWN?
DO SOME MOTOWN?
MY GIRL
[High-pitched]
MY GIRL
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT, NOW, MOTOWN!
OHH!
NOTHING BUT LOVE.
ONLY IN THE MOTOR CITY.
IN THE MOTOR CITY!
HOW Y'ALL GE TO THE FOX THEATRE?
45, 47!
OH, MAN!
[LAUGHTER]
-IS THAT YOUR PLACE?
-NO, THIS IS.
-THIS IS THE PLACE RIGHT HERE.
-YEAH.
OR AT LEAST IT IS
TILL NEXT MONTH.
[LAUGHTER]
IF I DON'T PAY THE BILL,
THEY REAL QUICK ABOUT THAT.
-THEY'LL THROW YOUR BEHIND
OUT OF HERE.
-ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, THAT'S
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
-THANK YOU.
-THAT'S A KODAK MOMENT.
ALL RIGHT.
I TOLD YOU
WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO.
THE CAMERA DON'T WORK.
[LAUGHTER]
metroPC, BABY.
YOU GOT metroPC?
OH, OKAY.
WHAT TIME DO YOU TAKE
THAT MUSTACHE OFF?
I JUST HAD IT TOOK OFF.
HEY, MAN, DO YOU NEED IT BACK?
BOXING HISTORY RIGHT HERE
WAS MADE WITH THIS GUY.
TOMMY HEARNS'
CAST AND CREW RIGHT THERE.
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
I SEEN THE STARS ON HIS EYES.
[LAUGHTER]
I BE TRYING TO HIDE THEM,
BROTHER.
LET ME SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW.
LET ME SEE YOU HIT ONE, TWO.
[LAUGHTER]
-LET ME SEE IF YOU
STILL GOT THAT.
YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
[LAUGHTER]
OH! OH, MY GOD!
I'M A PORNO STAR, MA'AM.
KEEP WALKING.
HE AIN'T NO --
"FRIDAYS." YOU KNOW.
CAN YOU TELL ME
HOW TO GET TO THE FOX?
SURE, I CAN TAKE YOU THERE
IF YOU WISH.
WHAT, BITCH?!
DAMN, BABY, LET'S DO IT.
LET'S RIDE!
YEE-HA-HA-HA!
NOW, THIS RIGHT HERE
IS WHAT YOU CALL A REAL PIMP
GETTING HIS MONEY --
ON THE PHONE,
CUSSING A HO OUT.
HERE HE COME.
HEY, YOU GOT TO GO IN THERE
AND GET YOU ONE OF THEM BRIMS.
HEY, DON'T I KNOW YOU, MAN?
MIKE EPPS, MAN.
BABY.
OH, THEY GOT ME ON TV.
[LAUGHTER]
-OH, NO, NO.
MIKE EPPS RIGHT HERE.
WHAT'S HAPPENING, MIKE?
WELCOME TO THE CITY.
THAT'S A REAL DETROIT PLAYER
RIGHT HERE.
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S HOW WE DO IT.
LOOK AT HIM.
HE LACED UP.
HE GONNA GO IN THERE
AND GET HIM A JOB, YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
LET THEM KNOW
WHAT THEY DOING TONIGHT.
BUT THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL A
REAL DETROIT PLAYER RIGHT HERE.
WE JUST DO IT RIGHT, THAT'S ALL.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S ALL.
WHY ARE YOU DOING
THAT SHIT, GIRL?
[LAUGHTER]
THIS LOOKS SILLY AS HELL.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT SHIT, GIRL.
YOU CAN'T BE IN LOVE WITH HIM.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
SHE WANTS TO TAKE A PICTURE
WITH HIM, MAN.
YEAH, I COME TO CHECK ONE OUT.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.
[LAUGHS]
SAY IT AGAIN, MAN.
HOW ARE THEY TREATING YOU, RED?
LIKE THE REDHEADED STEPCHILD
WITH THE FLU.
[IMITATES COUGHING]
WELL, I KNEW I WAS GONNA GET ME
ON A SLICK LINE OUT OF HERE.
WHOO.
-ALL I'M WONDERING,
"WHERE'S THE HONEY?"
-DAMN.
ALL YOU WONDERING,
"WHERE'S THE MONEY?"
WHERE'S THE FOX?
GOOD TO MEET YOU, SIR.
JUST WATCHED...
"ROSCOE JENKINS"?
-YEAH.
-[LAUGHS]
IT'S ON DEMAND RIGHT NOW.
AW, I MIGHT HAVE TO...
-"BAIT."
-"BAIT."
-YEAH.
-THAT WAS ON TV?
I MIGHT HAVE A CHECK
IN THE MAIL OR SOMETHING
IN THE NEXT TWO DAYS
OR SOMETHING.
YOU GOT ME UP IN
[LAUGHTER]
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING]
THAT'S RIGHT.
LIVE IN DETROIT, BABY.
-ALL RIGHT, MIKE.
-ALL RIGHT.
MIKE.
[LAUGHS]
GOOD TO HAVE YOU
IN THE CITY, MAN.
NEXT TIME YOU COME,
I'LL GIVE YOU MY NUMBER, MAN.
I'LL SHOW YOU
A NICE TIME.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
THAT'S RIGHT.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
THAT'S RIGHT.
[LAUGHS]
-YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
-THE DETROIT HOOD.
DETROIT, BABY.
THE HOOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HOW DO WE GE TO THE FOX THEATRE FROM HERE?
AHH!
I DON'T NEED TO BE DOWNTOWN.
[Gruff voice] "AHH.
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE DOWNTOWN."
[Normal voice]
I LIKE HOW HE TALKS.
I LIKE HOW HE TALKS.
HE SAID, "AAH!
I DON'T NEED TO BE DOWNTOWN."
TELL THEM.
I DON'T NEED TO BE DOWNTOWN.
I STAY IN THE HOOD.
WHAT HOOD YOU FROM?
-FOUR-ONE.
-FOUR-ONE, BABY.
BETTER KNOW IT.
YOU ALREADY KNOW.
DOESN'T HE LOOK LIKE FREDO
FROM "THE GODFATHER"?
I'LL HAVE TO RENT I AGAIN.
-[LAUGHS]
-ONE, TWO, OR THREE?
-ONE, TWO, AND THREE.
-ONE, TWO, AND THREE.
HAVE A GOOD ONE.
TAKE CARE. PLEASURE.
I GOT TO SEE HOW FAS YOU CAN CATCH ME IF I
TRY TO RUN RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
JUST ONE TIME. READY?
[LAUGHTER]
NO, NO, NO!
COME ON, MAN.
NO GOOD, MAN.
YOU GOTTA TRY TO SNATCH ME, MAN.
COME ON.
THEY SAY I WAS GONNA TRY
TO GET YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT AIN'T PLAYING FAIR.
HOW DO YOU GET TO
THE FOX THEATRE FROM HERE?
YOU'RE GONNA GO UP HERE
TO WASHINGTON.
-UH-HUH.
-ADAMS AND WOODWARD.
AND AT WOODWARD, YOU'LL SEE
THE FOX THEATRE FROM THERE.
ARE YOU DOING A SHOW TONIGHT?
-YEAH, I'M DOING A SHOW TONIGHT.
-WELL, WELCOME TO DETROIT.
WAS YOU ABLE TO SEE THA WITH THEM GREEN EYES?
[LAUGHS]
ALL RIGHT.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
[LAUGHTER]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
AAH!
I'M NOT JUMPING UP AND DOWN!
THERE'S A CAMERA AROUND!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT WAS A PLEASURE MEETING YOU.
YOU'RE AWESOME.
YOU CRACK ME UP.
I DON'T REMEMBER
VERY MANY PEOPLE.
WHAT'S GOING ON, BIG BABY?!
-GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
NICE TO MEET Y'ALL.
THANKS FOR HAVING US
IN FRONT OF YOUR SHIT.
HEY, MIKE EPPS!
HEY, BABY GIRL!
YOU GUYS, BE PREPARED.
THANK YOU, MAN.
-HOW YOU DOING?
-HOLDING ON.
DOES THIS STORE HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH PROSTITUTES?
[LAUGHTER]
ANYTHING. I MEAN, ANY PARTS
OF PROSTITUTION.
JUST BE HONEST.
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BACK
IN THE DAY, BEFORE WE GOT HERE.
-BACK IN THE DAY.
-BEFORE WE GOT HERE.
BEFORE Y'ALL GOT HERE.
THEY'VE ONLY BEEN HERE
SINCE ABOUT 1950.
OKAY, SO I'M PRETTY SURE
THAT YOU CAN ADMIT TO ME
THAT THIS STORE
HAD SOMETHING TO DO
WITH SOMEBODY GETTING SLAPPED.
-[CHUCKLES]
-YEAH.
-YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE OF THAT.
-I CAN AGREE.
YOU WILL GET THE SHI SLAPPED OUT OF YOU
BY SOMEBODY WEARING THIS
RIGHT HERE.
YOU WILL GET THE TASTE SLAPPED
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH BY SOMEBODY.
IF SOMEBODY JUMP OUT THE CAR
ON YOU WITH THIS ON,
YOU BETTER HAVE
THEIR FUCKING MONEY.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS IS PIMP APPAREL.
[LAUGHTER]
SOME OF THEM OLD PLAYERS
TURN THEIR BACK ON YOU
WHEN THEY OPEN THEIR WALLET.
HERE, I'M DONE.
I WAS JUST FUCKING WITH YOU.
Y'ALL KNOW IT.
I WAS JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
NO, YOU ALL RIGHT.
I CAME HERE LOOKING FOR YOU,
BUT...
[LAUGHTER]
...THEY SAID YOU WAS LATE,
AS USUAL.
[LAUGHTER]
-WELL, WE LOVE YOU FOR IT.
-I LOVE YOU, TOO, MAN.
KICK IT REAL,
KICK IT RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.
-THANK YOU, MAN.
-JUST THE WAY WE LIKE IT.
THIS MY DAWG.
THAT'S MY DAWG, BABY.
WE'VE BEEN KNOWING EACH OTHER
ALMOST 30 YEARS.
ALMOST 30 YEARS.
Y'ALL ONLY LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE 30 YEARS OLD.
AIN'T THAT A BITCH?
TALKING ABOUT THEY'VE BEEN
KNOWING EACH OTHER FOR 30 YEARS.
BOTH THESE MOTHERS LOOK 30.
WE USED TO SHARE A BOTTLE.
[LAUGHTER]
THE BARBERSHOP, OKAY?
THAT'S WHERE THE REAL
CONVERSATION'S AT.
AND WE DON'T LIE ABOUT IT.
YOU GONNA GET TO REALLY HEAR
ABOUT THE ECONOMY
AND IF OBAMA GONNA GE THE PAPER IN THERE, AIN'T YA?
OH, YEAH. YOU HEAR ABOU THE LIES, CRIES, AND ALIBIS.
[LAUGHTER]
-ONLY AT THE BARBERSHOP.
AT THE BARBERSHOP.
-LOVE TO YOU, BROTHER.
-DITTO.
-ALL RIGHT.
-MIKE, TAKE CARE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW.
LITTLE JAY Z, WHAT'S UP?
OH, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
OH!
ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL HAVE
A GOOD NIGHT NOW.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR MAMA.
THE NEW MAYOR OF D.C.
[LAUGHS]
I HEARD YOU THE NEW MAYOR.
AH, NO.
RICK ROSS, WHAT'S UP, BABY?
[LAUGHTER]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
WHAT'S UP, DAWG?
FUCKING FRESH AIR!
GONNA BE FRESH A CHUCK E. CHEESE THIS WEEKEND.
YOU GONNA STEAL THE SHOW,
BROTHER.
ALL THE LITTLE KIDS GONNA BE
LIKE, "OOH, LOOK AT HIS FADE.
LOOK AT HIS FADE.
LOOK AT HIS FADE.
LOOK AT HIS FADE.
LOOK AT HIS FADE.
GOT MIKE EPPS UP HERE RIGHT NOW.
HE'S ROASTING PEOPLE.
I AIN'T BULLING.
HE ROASTING,
AND I GOT ON MY UNIFORM. YEAH.
LIVE, COMING TO YOU FROM THE
MOTOR CITY -- DOWNTOWN DETROIT,
ME AND MY HOMEY
SITTING BACK HERE CHILLING.
THAT'S RIGHT.
ON OUR WAY TO THE FOX THEATRE.
-THAT'S RIGHT.
-IT'S MIKE EPPS IN DETROIT.
LET'S SAY IT TOGETHER.
BITCH.
BITCH.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, MAN,
I'M TRYING TO FIND THE FOX.
-WHERE CAN I FIND IT AT, BABY?
-OH, IT'S RIGHT DOWN THERE.
IT IS, BUT MY GIRL
GONNA RIDE WITH US.
-YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU?
-OH, OKAY. COME ON. LET'S GO.
HEY, MAN, I GOT A BIG SHOW
AT THE FOX TONIGHT.
MAN, IT'S GOING DOWN.
[ENGINE REVS]
ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS THAT SHI RIGHT HERE, THOUGH.
FOX THEATRE.
I REMEMBER MY FIRST TIME
PLAYING HERE.
I WAS SO MOTHERFUCKING EXCITED
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I'M EXCITED NOW BECAUSE
I'M SHOOTING MY SPECIAL HERE.
DAMN!
I'M CAN'T WAIT TO DO THIS SHOW.
I'M AT THE FABULOUS
FOX THEATRE --
THE HISTORICAL FOX THEATRE,
YOU KNOW,
WHERE ELVIS PRESLEY PLAYED,
STEVIE WONDER, ROLLING STONES,
BOBBY "BLUE" BLAND,
B.B. KING,
AND YOUR MAN, MIKE EPPS, BABY.
WE AT THE FAMOUS FOX.