Mike Tyson: Return of the Mike (2026) Movie Script
[whoosh]
[foreboding music playing]
[thunder rolls]
[thunder cracks]
[music turns atmospheric]
[crowd cheering echoes]
[crowd cheering]
[propulsive music playing]
Wow.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.
[cheering]
Thank you.
I'm back, baby.
Return of the fucking Mike.
Oh, man. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Please.
Man!
You know, it's been five years
since I've been on stage, and
-[audience member] We love you!
-Woo!
Hey, shut the fuck up!
Let me do my show.
Goddamn.
Listen, listen, it's been five years
since I've been on stage here, right?
And I have to tell you, man,
it feels so good being back here tonight.
[crowd cheering]
Man, I feel higher
than a giraffe pussy, man.
I'm serious, too.
And it's not because I smoked
before I came out here.
I did.
But that high has nothing to do
with this high right here.
This is a serious high.
And I know after seeing
my Return of the Mike opening,
you must think,
"Wow, Mike Tyson has a big fucking ego."
Right?
And you'd be right, you know, 100%.
And that's because
Alexander the Great is my alter ego.
You know?
That's AI, though.
You know, I never took that picture.
No, really, I didn't really take that.
But I love this new AI world, though.
If there's a picture of me
doing something I don't like,
I can just say it's AI.
And you know
a big part of my persona
has been pretty much inspired
by Alexander the Great.
One of my favorite speeches
by Alexander was, you know,
his so-called soldier,
the homeboy mutinies on him
in the city of Opis.
And Alexander did this badass speech,
reminding his soldiers that before him,
they weren't shit.
He made them
the most feared and respected warriors
on the planet at that time.
But after that, his boys hooked up,
and they rallied back around him,
embarrassed and apologetic.
Yet when I told people
how I felt about their transgressions,
I didn't get an army
of sorrys and "please, help me."
Instead, I went to jail.
-Boom.
-[audience laughter]
Whoa, look at the size of my neck.
Wow, 22 inches.
I thought I had the record
for the widest neck.
On the mugshot, that is, right?
Till this nigga's neck went viral.
Look at this guy.
[audience howls]
He's simply known as Wide Neck.
And he even has more mugshots than me.
Can you believe that shit?
Man, this guy's totally winning.
[chuckles] And listen, I had to blur out
his face because he couldn't sign
the fucking releasing sign
because this nigga's back in jail.
No, true story.
I can't make this shit up.
No doubt about this. This is real.
Interestingly enough,
Wide Neck would eventually
join forces with Long Neck.
Check this out.
And
Yes.
[chuckles] These motherfuckers
went on a glorious mission
to make sure all necks mattered.
Listen, uh
Look at this shit, man.
[laughs]
I'm seriously considering joining forces
with Wide Neck and Long Neck.
Since my neck lost the inch,
I can go by No Neck. [chuckles]
And we could be the fucked-up neck boys.
But listen, again, Alexander the Great,
he became a big part of my alter ego
because he mastered
the art of intimidation.
Man, he'd come to conquer a town,
and the opposition would just give up,
drop their weapons without even a fight.
They wouldn't even put up a fight.
It's no fight at all.
Kind of like
what happened here with this guy.
His name is Bruce Seldon.
Check this out.
I didn't even hit the guy. Watch this.
Listen, he just fell like a fainting goat.
I can't
Listen, that's the easiest 20 million
I ever made.
This is like a minute.
And then I'm saying,
thinking to myself now,
Alexander was only 32 when he died,
and most of the greats
don't really live long.
And if they do, you know,
there's usually
some kind of tragic ending.
Would Tupac and Marilyn Monroe
would have been considered great
if they lived longer?
No, I doubt it, seriously.
You stick around too long,
and your ass get Bill Cosbyed.
[imitates Cosby] Jell-O Pudding Pops.
Jell-O Pudding Pops.
Had Bill Cosby knocked off around 2004,
the same year
that Pudding Pops were discontinued
No, serious,
his legacy would have been intact
right along with them
nasty-ass Pudding Pops.
No, really.
Listen No, serious, man.
When the greats get old, man,
you start to see the holes.
Look at me. I'm almost 60 now, right?
And I'm surprised
I didn't hemorrhage out yet.
Actually, I almost did,
but we'll get to that later.
And that leads me
to the conversation about legacy.
A lot of people seem concerned
about my legacy and my business
more than ever these days, right?
Yet, I don't understand why.
I bit a motherfucker's ear.
How can
Whatever piece of legacy I had,
it went down the toilet that night.
Forever known as the bite fight.
Look at this shit.
Oh!
[commentator] What happened here?
You see the way Holyfield jumped up?
Look like he caught the Holy Ghost, huh?
[audience laughter]
That was the third round.
People thought
I was high at the time, really.
I wasn't, but it inspired me to make this.
[dreamy harp shimmering]
[audience laughter]
Yes.
Mike Bites.
Listen, a tasty gummy
that actually gets you high, really.
[applause]
At a dispensary near you.
Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
All right.
Listen, the Boxing Commission,
when I bit Evander's ear,
they fined me three million bucks, right?
And I'm thinking it's fucked up
because I don't think
they shared that money with him.
You know, if the commission really cared
about his ear and me biting his ear,
they'd have gave him
all the fucking money.
And, you know
But I did eventually
apologize to Evander, of course,
and even gave him back a piece of his ear.
I'm sorry, Evander.
[gentle music playing]
It's your ear.
[chuckles]
My ear?
I kept that in formaldehyde.
[applause]
I'm a classy guy, okay?
Okay?
[chuckles] Listen, over the past 30 years,
um, I have made that $3 million back,
one ear bite pic at a time.
There's no shit.
The ear bite pic is a fan favorite.
It never goes out of style.
Mothers pass me their babies
to bite their ears.
And then the No, serious.
And the elderly
want their ears bitten too.
Crackheads, everybody.
And it's really getting
No, I'm serious. I'll bite theirs, though.
But listen [laughs]
They're talking shit now. [laughs]
No, but it's really
getting out of control, though.
But do you think
it's the opposite for Holyfield?
Do you think people ask Holyfield
if they could bite his ear
when they take a picture with him?
I'm gonna ask him next time I see his ass.
But it's a possibility. I don't know.
And
And listen, I wanted to say
all this talk about legacy, my legacy,
had made me think about some
of the decisions I made in my life.
And I'm at a conclusion
that I, personally,
don't give a fuck about legacy.
What the fuck do I care about legacy?
[applause]
No, check this out, really.
If legacy was
really all that important to me,
would I have became one of the very few
fat cokeheads on the planet?
-[audience laughter]
-No, really, really, look.
Ju-- Just look.
How many people here
know a fat cokehead, huh?
Nobody knows a Look, yeah, very rare.
You're the only person here.
Very rare, the rare sighting.
So if you see one, right,
grab his rolled-up dollar bill
and make a wish,
or better yet, take a sniff. [chuckles]
You know? But good luck, that is, really.
[exhales] I was thinking
I was out of my mind back then.
I was definitely not thinking
about legacy when I performed this.
[singing "Monster Mash"]
-They did the mash
-He did a monster mash.
He did the monster, the monster mash
[audience laughter]
Like Rick James said,
"Cocaine's a hell of a drug."
-[laughs]
-[audience laughter]
I was high as a motherfucker.
Man, I was so high.
Uh [laughs]
Furthermore, furthermore,
if legacy meant anything to me, moi,
would I have danced to this bullshit?
I can't sleep at night
I toss and turn
Listenin' for the telephone
When I get your call I'm all choked up
Can't believe you called my home
I'm trying to do it.
I don't know how to do this shit.
And why'd I do that, you ask?
-I had no fucking money. That's why.
-[audience laughter]
I had to take advantage
of my Mike Tyson-ness, you know.
I definitely was not thinking about legacy
whenever the fuck
I think I was doing here.
Oh, I'm feeling bee-utiful
Bee-utiful
What the fuck?!
[audience laughter]
[laughing]
This is drugs, guys. [laughs]
I guess I got too high on my own supply.
But still, no excuse.
Look at my balls, man.
[audience laughter]
I got bee balls. Bee balls.
Honey nuts, okay?
[laughs]
I'm sorry. All right.
Well, if anybody's still confused
if legacy's important to me
Of course, I think I summed it up
in this interview right here
with this up-and-coming
young lady named Jazzy.
Check this out, right here.
So after such a successful career,
what legacy would you like to leave behind
when it's all said and done?
I don't know.
I don't believe in the word legacy.
I just think that's another word for ego.
Legacy doesn't mean nothing.
That's just some word
everybody grabbed onto.
Someone said that word,
and everyone grabbed on,
so now it's used every five seconds.
It means absolutely nothing to me.
I'm just passing through.
I'm gonna die, and it's gonna be over.
[audience laughter]
Wow. I'm breaking knowledge, right?
[laughs]
Listen, really, somebody has to tell
a baby Santa ain't fucking real, right?
And I'm that guy. I'm just that guy.
You wanna break the news
about the Easter Bunny
or the goddamn Tooth Fairy?
Because I will do it.
Because nobody had to tell us
Brownsville kids Santa wasn't real.
Trust me.
We knew there was no way
Santa or the fucking Easter Bunny
was gonna make it up to our apartment
without getting shot, robbed,
or raped in our building.
And forget about the Tooth Fairy.
That bitch would have left
our neighborhood toothless. Trust me.
I know you're laughing,
but it's not funny, really hard times.
But last but not least,
if I was truly concerned about legacy,
would I have fought Jake Paul and lost?
[audience exclaims]
Look at him. Ain't that some bullshit?
I lost to a fucking YouTuber.
And look, he left me hanging.
Fuck.
Look, "Nextflick," right?
The streaming on "Nextflick"?
Did I say it right? "Streaming," right?
Had trouble keeping up
with my ass, though.
Listen, over 165 million people watched.
The most watched boxing event in history.
Check this out, though.
[applause]
Wait.
I may have lost.
I may have lost the fight,
but my ass won that night.
[audience laughter]
Yeah.
[audience cheering]
Oh!
Holy shit.
I look like
I'm about to fuck that fight, huh?
[audience laughter]
Look at this shit!
Instead of "Iron" Mike,
I'm now known as "Sweet Ass" Mike.
"Sweet Ass" Mike.
Can you even believe that shit, though?
Look at that.
A 60-year-old ass on television.
Okay, listen.
What kind of memes were,
you know, made in honor of my ass?
Can you believe
Look, like this one right here.
Can you believe this?
This is my ass, supposedly.
Side-by-side comparison,
I think my ass
has the gingerbread man's ass beat.
I got a better jockstrap, too.
[chuckles]
But the gingerbread man sure looks good.
I don't know if that's a gingerbread man
or a gingerbread woman, but anyway, so
Just laying down,
like they're ready to take a pound.
On all fours.
Ooh. And I can make that cookie crumble
from the back door.
What the fuck am I saying? [laughs]
I didn't take my meds this morning.
You know I take meds, right?
You do know I take meds, right?
But what you guys don't know,
right before the Jake Paul fight, right,
I almost died.
I almost hemorrhaged the fuck out.
That's the word, "hemorrhage"? I did that.
Almost hemorrhaged the fuck out.
Not hemorrhoid, hemorrhage.
It came all out, but anyway,
I had boarded this flight to LA,
and so I planned to see my doctor
because something was wrong.
I didn't know what it was.
I had no energy.
About 30 minutes before landing,
my stomach started bubbling
like I had to take a shit.
And I used to think it was a reaction
to the nasty airplane fucking food, right?
So I rushed into the small bathroom,
and I took a colossal
Oh, a colossal-sized shit, right? And
One of the biggest shits of my life.
I'm not kidding.
A big one. Whoomp!
So with my pants down,
my pants are down around my ankle,
and I'm holding my balls,
so they won't touch
the filthy toilet water.
You know
what I'm talking about, right, guys?
There's fucking polluted water
in the damn
And while I'm there,
suddenly, I'm thinking
about Shaquille O'Neal.
-[audience laughter]
-You know? I'm telling you.
And I'm thinking,
"How the fuck does Shaq shit?"
No, really, how the fuck does Shaq shit
in this tiny-ass airplane bathroom?
It's im-fucking-possible, right?
I could barely fit in there.
And this nigga's foot
is bigger than my entire body.
No, all jokes aside,
it reminded me of this documentary
I was watching about Andr the Giant.
And he was the same size
as Shaq, 7'4", 7'5".
And he had to wear a diaper
at long flights,
if he had to go to Japan or Europe,
because he couldn't fit in the bathroom.
So I'm thinking to myself,
"Shaq must've had to wear
a diaper for long flights too."
No, really, until he was rich enough
to buy his own plane.
And I don't know
why Shaq popped in my head, but, um
How does Shaq shit in small places?
That could be a Jeopardy! category.
[audience laughter]
I'll take "How Does Shaq Shit?"
for 200, please. [laughs]
I take [laughs]
Oh, I can't believe I'm saying this shit.
All right
[laughing]
All right, let's get back
to my own shit, okay?
[chuckles] So I'm--
So I'm starting to feel a little better
after that shit in the bathroom,
then out of nowhere [retches]
I threw up blood.
"Oh shit, this can't be good."
I'm still on the toilet, though.
And I panicked from the blood,
and I pushed the door open.
But as soon as the door opened,
I fainted to the ground.
Boom, with my pants half down, boom.
Ass all out,
like the gingerbread man up in those.
No, I'm serious, all out.
Listen, I couldn't believe this shit.
In a million years,
this is how "Iron" Mike was gonna go out?
In a puddle of my own shit
on a fucking commercial flight?
Yes. Yes, I fly commercial.
No, I-- I'm just nigga rich,
I'm not private plane rich, okay?
So listen, I'm [chuckles]
There's only a few niggas
that's gone beyond nigga rich,
if you think about it.
And Shaq is one of them, okay?
Come to find out I had a two-and-a-half,
three-inch ulcer, right?
And didn't even know it.
I was in the hospital for 11 days,
had eight blood transfusions,
and lost 25 pounds.
Out of nowhere.
So after the hospital,
I only had a short window to recover
and start training again before the fight.
Canceling the Jake Paul fight
was not an option, no way.
Even though I still didn't feel
100% that fight night,
I wasn't giving up that money.
No, no, I was
I already spent that money
on Stefano Ricci,
and I wasn't giving that money back.
No way, buddy.
So I said, I'm gonna do the fight.
But forget about legacy, really.
I truly believe I have something
that served me far better than legacy.
No, really, it's something
so rare and unpredictable.
And frankly, I can't explain
how I got it and what to do with it.
But somehow, someway,
I become uncancelable.
No, serious. No, really.
-Can you believe this? Me, uncancelable.
-[audience cheering]
I didn't do this. This is real stuff.
The computer did this.
Can you believe this?
I'm the fucking poster boy
for uncancelability.
It's cool, but weird, you know?
Me being uncancelable
is kind of like, you know,
like when I had gonorrhea, right?
Is that how you pronounce it?
Yeah, when I had gonorrhea,
because I was burning a lot
of bitches in the '80s, right?
But they took that risk
because they knew they wouldn't die,
and plus, their purse size
would rise, you know?
So thank you, everyone,
that fucked with me over the years.
And I appreciate it,
even though they knew it was risky.
You know?
And I'm not
feeling sorry for myself, no way.
But man, I've been through a lot.
Don't you know they tried to cancel me
in the '80s, the '90s, and 2000s?
Well, actually,
I kept trying to cancel myself.
I was Kanye
before Kanye was Kanye, you know?
But the things I did was way worse
than anything Kanye could do, you know?
My brain was more insane
because, nigga,
I was on that cocaine, and I was
[audience exclaims]
Hold up, this is the shit
I gotta go through.
Who the fuck took this picture?
I've been trying to find
this motherfucker that took this picture,
or who it was, for years,
so I can personally thank him
for putting my foot up his ass.
Can you believe this shit?
I gotta deal with it the rest of my life.
My grandkids gotta see this shit.
I wish I could say that was AI.
[laughs]
Nigga walk around a club like that.
"Can you do this?"
Now
listen, I'm not standing here
as a shining beacon of hope
that dare not get canceled, no.
Many have tried and failed, you know?
It's just one
of those fluke things I have,
like a shooting star, perhaps,
or the time Nick Cannon
was married to Mariah Carey.
Remember that?
Yeah, it happened,
but we still can't explain
how it happened.
You know? How this shit evolved, you know?
You know, I have to be honest.
My non-cancellation status
is kind of like the math rule
how two negatives can make a positive,
and all my negatives turn me positive.
So now, I'm mathematically impervious
to the cancel game, right?
Yeah, motherfucker.
I'm "Iron" Mike on ice. Yeah!
-[audience cheering]
-Yes. Yes.
And I don't take my uncancelability status
for granted either.
I really appreciate it.
But I'm honored. No, really, I am.
But I have some stiff competition.
Like Charlie Sheen. Remember that guy?
"Winning!"
Even though I don't take
my uncancelability status for granted,
I like to say there is something
that we all have taken for granted.
The people I see here that's my age.
I'm speaking of our youth, you know?
I notice when you're young,
it's all about the hump, right?
And then you're my age,
it's all about the dump, you know?
I'm always listening. No shit, right?
When you're young,
you take dick pics, right?
When you're my age, you take shit pics.
You know? Really.
Listen, I have a whole album book
of shit pics, you know?
No, wait till you get my age.
You'll be collecting shit pics too.
There's no doubt about it.
And let me clarify, you know,
I only take pictures of my own shit, okay?
To make sure I don't have colon cancer
and all that other crap, right?
So don't go DMing me shit pics, okay?
I'm not a collector, all right?
But I [chuckles]
I'm not a collector, but I
[laughing]
I do think about aging.
Anybody here think about aging?
Does it bother anybody here?
It's a motherfucker, right?
When you get older, doing simple shits
get harder when you're older, you know?
Getting hard even get harder.
You know?
Listen, don't even let me get started
on the enlarged prostate.
[puffs] I think I'm done pissing.
I zip up my pants.
And then I realize I pissed in my pants.
Does that happen to anybody?
And tell the truth.
Look, kindergarten all over again, right?
So no, it happens to me constantly.
No, not constantly.
I got those pills that help me stop,
but it still continues.
You want a blow job?
Forget about it, you know?
If she's around my age,
she'd say her TMJ's in the way.
No shit.
Even a simple hand job
is even out of the question.
Because the old broad my age
got carpal tunnel, you know what I mean?
I'm serious, all those years
of stroking caught up with her.
This is my life.
I'm gonna explain that to you.
You don't have to believe me,
but it's my life.
When I consider thinking about it,
the closest I get to a blow job these days
is when my wife blows my ashes
off the coffee table.
You know what I mean?
I'm like, "What the fuck is this?"
But I do have to confess,
I'm not aging gracefully, no, no.
I'm aging fucking angrily.
No, I just wake up mad
for no fucking reason.
Fuck everybody, I pay the cost
to be the motherfucking boss!
What I say goes in this motherfucker!
I'll burn this motherfucker down!
And all that bullshit.
Nigga shit, right?
Because I noticed, um, that men,
men, we get angry as we get older.
We come to terms with our mortality
and realize that we're just
one good belch away from croaking,
you know?
And we start losing our hair.
And that shit really pisses us off, right?
Oh, but esp--
especially Black men, you know?
We don't have the options like white guy
that comb our hair
over one side to the other
to cover up the bald spot.
We don't have that.
This guy go all out, you know?
Even though that shit look creepy,
it'd still be nice
to have that as an option, right?
It's just bald or bust for us.
It's somewhat of an invincibility
that comes with still having
a full set of hair for some reason
because you can talk all that shit
because you know
you have the hair to back it up.
I'm saying I miss having hair.
No more curls for the girls,
the waves for the babes.
Man, I was chilling.
[audience laughter]
Look at those fucking curls.
More like nigga knots.
[audience laughter]
[chuckles] But I talked a lot of shit
with those nigga knots, man.
Now I'm just bald
for the old broads on menopause.
No menopause going on in here?
[women whooping]
Say, I'll fuck you.
[laughing]
You know what I'm saying?
I look in the mirror and think sometimes,
"Damn, is that me or fucking Holyfield?"
Look, right?
What the fuck happened?
When did me and Holyfield morph
into the same fucking person?
Now people are starting
to confuse me for fucking Holyfield.
And when I say people,
I mean white people.
You know, white people, we all look
the same to these motherfuckers.
No, listen.
No, listen to this shit.
White people come up to me
and congratulate me
for kicking my own ass.
"You got him good."
I'm going And I just say thank you.
Because I know they don't mean
to be offensive and stuff.
They don't. They're good people.
They think we all look alike.
And unfortunately, we all kind of do start
looking alike as we get older and balder.
Later in life,
I did try to grow this shit.
But shit didn't work out
quite the way I wanted it, you know?
What do you think about that?
I had no idea how much I looked
like Fred Sanford on Sanford and Son.
-[audience laughter]
-Go!
Damn, we could be twins.
He had more hair than me, too.
Fuck.
I'm digressing once again.
Please forgive me.
Maybe talk of legacy bothers me
because it reminds me
that the clock is fucking ticking.
Time to slow the fuck down.
But retirement scares a guy like me.
I gotta do shit.
You know, I'm nobody.
What am I supposed to do if I retire?
Tell me.
Last time I retired,
I developed a cocaine addiction.
Can't go there anymore.
You know, when I really think about it,
becoming the youngest
heavyweight champ of all time
was checked off the goals No, no.
-[applause]
-Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
[audience cheering]
Becoming the youngest
heavyweight champ of all time
was checked off the goals list in 1986.
[ding]
Now I got nothing.
That box was the only box on the list.
Now I'm totally lost.
Me without a goal
is like me without a soul.
I'm just fucked.
Then I wind up
doing stupid shit like this.
Check this out.
This is some real dumb shit right here.
[woman] I don't want you to fall.
[laughs]
This some high nigga shit right here.
[woman] Oh my God!
-Oof.
-[audience laughter]
I got high.
Lookit, they laughing at my Black ass.
Yeah, I got high on my own supply.
Trying to show off for the kids.
But fuck that hoverboard.
A piece of shit.
Too fucking dangerous.
That's why it's not around no more.
Just as bad as a bullet, in my opinion.
Just my opinion.
Because I haven't been the same
since I went down.
I haven't been the same.
I broke my back.
My back is broken. Spinal.
Yeah, spinal, nigga.
Yeah.
Spinal. I love the word.
That's why I said it. I don't know.
Uh
I didn't really break my back.
But the pain was way worse, man.
I was fucked.
Sciatica got me.
Anybody here ever gotten any sciatica?
You? Oof.
I know you know what I mean.
A bunch of old niggas in here too,
looking fucked up.
I know they know about sciatica.
Listen, with sciatica,
I couldn't do nothing. Nothing.
I couldn't even talk shit with sciatica.
I tried to check a nigga.
My ass cheek was clenched up so tight.
And I went, "Fuck.
I'm turning into Steve fucking Urkel."
I'm not lying.
[audience laughter]
[chuckles] It's not funny
when you get it, right, sir?
So eventually, I had to have surgery.
Surgery.
So I had an Asian surgeon, right?
So now I know stereotypes
are not cool anymore,
but they all stem from some kind of truth.
So in a life-or-death situation
like surgery,
I'm gonna go with the Asian doctor.
Unless he's Filipino.
And then in that case,
I take a Jewish doctor.
All right? But listen
Come on, man.
Don't get your rice patties in the bunch.
I'm just kidding, okay?
I love Pacquiao.
I just don't want him
to be my fucking doctor, okay?
Shit. Man.
You know, I'd still do it all over again.
Even though all the pain I had to endure
later to become the heavyweight champ.
I'm really crippled, really.
But I just look good.
To become the heavyweight champ,
I'd do it all over again.
I would do it.
[audience cheering]
No, really, I mean it.
I'd do it all over again.
And when I'm talking at this moment,
I'm talking to young people.
And I'm very serious when I tell you this.
Enjoy your youth, okay?
Because it goes by so fast.
I was the youngest guy in the room.
Now I'm the oldest guy in the room.
You know?
And the best years of my life
wasn't when I was heavyweight champ
with endless money and bitches.
Forget it. Oh, man.
No, the best time of my life
was when I had no cash
and too broke to get ass, right?
Just hanging in the streets
with my Brownsville crew.
But eventually, of course,
I would move up north
to Catskill, New York.
And I would live
with my boxing coach, Cus D'Amato.
-[applause]
-Yeah, that's him right here.
Oh, this is a great man right here.
This is a great man.
He changed my whole entire life, you know.
He made me believe that I was destined
to be the heavyweight champ of the world.
And I was taking totally true advantage
of my double life up north.
Man, I was 13 when I first met Cus,
and I went to live with him full-time.
And, you know, adjusting from living
in the Brownsville zoo
to my Catskill castle Upstate New York,
it was pretty much easier than I thought.
And I totally reinvented myself
in that small town.
Man, I learned that I was very adaptable.
Real phony sometimes, you know?
Well, look at me.
Look, I was so happy here.
I was almost gay.
-[audience laughter]
-[laughs]
And it's safe to say too,
the girls were not beating down
my door that year, no.
But I didn't care, I didn't care.
I was truly embracing
my new happy life in Catskill.
Believe it or not, I was quickly turning
into this nigga Carlton
from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Look at that shit.
[laughs] That was me.
Can you believe I just did that shit?
[laughs] Oh, man.
Listen, I could do that dance in Catskill
and not worry about getting shot, right?
But to actually
I never mastered the art of dancing.
I'm being honest with you, really.
But at this time in my life, right
[scoffs]
I was pretty awkward
with girls at this time.
But my dick was always hard,
like Chinese mathematics.
I didn't know what to do.
I thought I was a weirdo or something.
But that happens when you're 14,
13 years, 15 years old.
So I was relieved when I finally was able
to add a girlfriend to my equation, right?
And her name was Tasha Warner.
And check this out.
She was cute in like an '80s kind of way,
pretty much like a mushroom haircut,
like Tootie from The Facts of Life.
Yeah, this is her.
She had braces like that,
and also peach fuzz above her upper lip.
It was kind of thicker than mine,
I have to admit.
And she loved baby powder.
Listen, I'm keeping it real right now.
I don't know about other races,
but Black girls that I knew in the '80s
used a lot of baby powder.
Especially down there.
Did anybody here know people like that?
Well, I did.
So one day, I was in Tasha's bedroom,
and she wasn't ready
to have sex at the time.
So I performed fellatio on her.
For the best of my first time
capabilities, of course.
And listen, I'm saying fellatio, right?
But I know it's not the right word
when a man goes down on a woman,
but I can't pronounce the other word that
[audience laughter]
Fuck you laughing for now? I'm trying
to tell you this story, motherfucker.
This is not the laugh line, okay?
[chuckles]
I'm bear I'm bearing my soul to you,
and you're fucking laughing
because I can't pronounce it?
Anyway, for you, I'm gonna try, okay?
So what I did was I did this on her.
It was called
"cougalangus."
[audience laughter]
Or "cagalangus."
Hey, I don't fucking know.
I can't pronounce that shit.
You know I have a lisp.
It's a weird fucking word anyway.
Especially with my lisp, so fuck that.
Sound more like a medieval torture device,
some kind of shit device.
So I'm trying to do that word
that I can't pronounce, right?
But when she took off her panties
[chuckles]
She took off her panties,
I was blinded
by an avalanche of baby powder.
Pugh! Poof! [chuckles]
In my eye, I could not believe this shit.
This could not be real, right?
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
But I couldn't complain.
It was like Tony Montana knew her twat
was the perfect hiding spot
because it was just white smoke.
Poof-poof!
And going down on her in those conditions
was pretty challenging for me
'cause I didn't know what I was doing.
I tried to believe and think
that it was vanilla ice cream, right?
But the stench made it
more like sour cream, pretty much.
[audience exclaims]
I'm bearing my fucking heart to you.
Don't fucking laugh.
Had I known then what I know now,
I would've known
it was a fucking yeast infection, okay?
Yuck! You know, shit like that
happens to niggas like me.
I just don't tell people.
It was disgusting.
This is some disgusting shit. This is--
So I'm down there, I'm making my way
through her bushy, white pussy.
She's a Black girl, but the pussy's white
from the powder, okay?
[laughs]
And it's so yeasty,
but I'm down there already.
So I'm going
My face is so yeasty,
I can make bread on it.
But I'm still working.
Dipping and diving,
trying to get the good spots and stuff.
You know, I'm dying down there, okay?
But I'm doing it still
because I want to do it.
Because I never did it before.
And suddenly, we hear a loud choking sound
coming from down the hall, not far from
from like here to there,
and Tasha yelled, "Mommy! Mommy!"
And she runs down the hall,
leaving a trail
of baby powder behind her, right?
And I'm like
So I follow her into the kitchen.
Man, my dick was so hard,
it made it to the kitchen
before the rest of me, right?
And I'm, like, saying
I see Tasha's mother, Miss Warner,
I'm not lying, turning blue,
on my children's life.
A Black bitch turning blue, okay?
So, listen
a fucking hot dog stuck down her throat,
and no, man, on my children's life.
I said, "How did this
fucking shit happen?"
She comes across
a very sophisticated lady.
And normally, you bite as you go, right?
But here she was with the whole beef boner
enlarged down her throat.
And I'm like,
"Whoa, this could be serious."
So Tasha's yelling at me.
"Do something! Help my mother, please!"
"Help my mother! Please, help my mother!"
And I'm like, "Okay."
Now I never did the
"Hime" or "Heimlich"?
Heimlich? The Heinrich? Whatever.
I never did
the Heimlich maneuver before, right?
But it can't be too hard, right?
So I position myself
gently behind Mrs. Warner.
My boner's pressing firmly against
You can see this happening, right?
All right. I'm not
This is not what I wanna do.
I'm-- Not intentionally, but
Although it did feel nice.
-[audience laughter]
-[chuckles]
[laughing]
Listen, Miss Warner
had a lot of cushion for the pushin'.
I really would rather be with her
than her daughter.
You know one of them old ladies
in their 40s that still look good?
Yeah, she had a lot of cushion
for that pushin', man.
And I was just
What was I supposed to do, man?
Wait the two minutes
for the pressure of my dick to deflate?
By then, Mrs. Warner would have died.
What the fuck?
So I made an executive decision.
Check this out.
[audience laughter]
Any young man in my position
would have done the same.
I decided to,
with my arms wrapped
firmly around her belly,
I proceeded to pump on her ass.
Not meanly, but it was called for.
To the naked eye, it appeared
that we're fucking, but we're not, okay?
And I get one more good push, poof!
And like a rocket,
the hot dog gets shot out of her mouth.
Boom! Went right across the room.
Tasha's mom fell to the ground.
"Are you okay, Miss Warner, ma'am?"
"You broke my rib!"
"Broke your rib?"
"How about thank you
for saving your fucking life, okay?"
"I'm a fucking hero.
Are you fucking stupid?"
Listen, the whole scene looked crazy, man.
You got the powder here,
Tasha broke up with me.
Listen, the very next day,
she broke up with me because I I
I kind of like impregnated
her mother, okay?
[audience laughter]
Just kidding. [laughs]
No, her mother probably
made her break up with me,
so she never had to explain
why she got that
How did she get
that hot dog down her fucking throat?
A fucking hot dog.
[audience laughter]
I kind of think
the breakup was for the best.
Because at that time,
I didn't have time for the girlfriend.
Because me and my mentor,
we were going on a journey
to become champion of the world.
The greatest to ever live.
So everything else was secondary, man.
Us as fighters, boxers, we do for a living
what the average person
avoid doing their whole entire life.
So you have to be a little crazy
to do the shit that I do.
There's no doubt,
you know,
to become the kind of guy
that's insane enough
to want to punch people
in the face and really like it.
It didn't happen overnight, though.
But there was early signs
that I was different. I'm sure about that.
Like, some people
prefer to say, "special," okay?
The school psychiatrist
told my mother that I was retarded.
Yeah, the R word.
The fucking R word. We can't say that now.
You know, but in the '80s and '70s,
it was all right to say retarded.
It was cool, you know?
So it's okay for me to say it now.
No really, because those words
are grandfathered into my generation.
[chuckling] So listen
here's a perfect example
how I used the word retarded back then.
And nobody seemed to mind back then.
Check this out.
I like children. I probably want to be
a foster parent or something.
But I was working
at a retarded institution.
Yes, a retarded institution.
Come on.
Nobody really believed
I'd work in a retarded institution,
because I was retarded.
-[laughing]
-[audience laughter]
I was fucking retarded, thank God.
But, shit!
But check this out, right?
Retarded, midget,
faggot, and nigger
are all okay in my vocabulary, okay?
-I can say these words with impunity.
-[audience cheering]
Yes, because they're all grandfathered
in my era.
Yes, I'm glad you understand that.
So keep in mind,
everything you will hear in the next clip
was already grandfathered in.
So don't take fucking offense, okay?
It's just entertainment.
So this is a film at the press conference
I had with Lennox Lewis.
Lennox and myself, we got into a fight
at the press conference.
Well, I started the fight.
And afterwards,
this guy yells from the crowd,
"Put him in a fucking straitjacket,
you fucking monkey, you animal!"
Me.
So here's how I responded. Check this out.
Put him in a straitjacket!
Put your mother in a straitjacket,
you punk-ass white boy!
Come here, I'll fuck you in your ass!
So eloquent.
You faggot, you can't touch me.
You're not man enough.
I'll eat your asshole alive, you bitch.
[audience laughter]
Yeah, bitch, I'll eat your asshole alive.
Hey, I told you that shit
was grandfathered in.
So back then,
that's some loquacious conversation.
[laughs]
Plus, I didn't take my meds that day.
I blame everything on my meds.
I'm so happy they started
that mental illness shit.
I got away with a lot of shit, fuck.
Thank God. Oh, thank God. Thank God.
So these people
tell me I'm bipolar, right?
And I kind of think it's debatable.
But just in case, I take the meds.
Makes my wife happy.
My kids-- My kids too.
My wife makes me take them.
I don't want to take no fucking meds.
So, uh, listen, when I'm going through
my bipolar episodes, right?
My family calls me Ike, or Uncle Ike.
And the reason why is because
I'm called Ike
when I'm in a really fucked-up mood,
which causes me to catch cases
of Tourette's of the mouth, okay?
So I might
So when Ike is around,
it's like ID channel 24/7.
24/7 in my mind, I'm just losing it.
Without commercial breaks, right?
Everybody's a suspect.
The kids, my wife, the dogs,
my in-laws, you know.
To be clear,
Ike is not my alter ego at all.
He's my altered ego.
He's my ego that's fucked up, okay?
Ike's erratic behavior
sometimes makes Mike
say stupid shit like this.
I wish one of you guys had children,
so I could kick them in their fucking head
or stomp on their testicles,
so you could feel my pain.
No wow.
Now you know that's
no medication taken that day, right?
That's no medication.
Why am I saying shit like this?
Well, since nobody can see Ike
because he's a fucking
shapeshifter, right?
Mike is always left holding the bag,
and I'm wondering to myself,
"When is this shit gonna stop?"
It's like because sometimes
Ike is a little too honest.
I've sacrificed so much of my life.
Can I at least get laid?
You know what I mean?
I've been robbed of most of my money.
Can I at least get a blowjob?
[audience laughter]
Fuck yeah, right?
But I'm thinking, I don't
[exhales]
I don't really think
there's anything wrong with what I said.
Most men think this.
But I was just insane enough
to say it on live television.
And I really don't know if
I don't know, in Ike's defense, right,
I didn't want a blowjob for free.
I was willing to work for it.
I went out because when somebody trains,
you get crazy and bored.
I went to a strip club because
And I gave a dancer a lap dance, but--
-You gave her a lap dance?
-That's what I do.
I like to do what I want to do.
[audience laughter]
I think it's safe to say
I did not get Father of the Year awards.
Can you believe that shit?
I took my baby to the strip club.
No, he's not even a year old.
Can you believe
they let me take a baby to the strip club?
One of the strippers watched my baby
while I was giving a lap dance
to the other stripper.
Can you believe what kind of father I am?
This is when I'm doing a lot of cocaine.
But Ike isn't always an asshole.
Sometimes, Ike gets me out of situations
that I really don't want to be a part of.
Like this.
No, get off me. Get off my hand.
You got a lot of people coming, man.
I ain't doing , you scumbag.
you.
[audience cheering]
That's Don King.
He was getting on my fucking nerves,
waving those fucking flags around.
"Nah-nah-nah-nah."
"Only in America. I love you, God.
Only in America. God bless America."
It was either get up and walk off the show
or shove those fucking flags up his ass.
And so I believe Ike
helped me make the right decision,
and I walked off the show.
Ike should have let me
walk out of this interview.
We were both in a shitty mood.
Who cares? We're in a fight anyway.
What does it matter?
Well, for example, rage against
Evander Holyfield worked against you.
Well, it. It's a fight.
So whatever happens, happens.
Mike, why do you have to talk like that?
I'm talking to you
the way I want to talk to you.
You have a problem, turn off your station.
You know what? I think
we'll end the discussion right now.
-Then we could.
-You got it.
Have a nice fight, Mike.
off.
-There.
-[audience cheering]
He's interviewing me,
and I tell him to turn off his station.
[audience laughter]
I think I was mad because someone told me
wearing that beret was a good idea.
[audience laughter]
Uh, sometimes, Ike had to step up
and defend Mike, like this.
It's more nerve-racking for me
talking to a rat piece of shit like you.
-Come on, Mike.
-No, because you're a piece of shit.
All right.
We're gonna wrap up this interview.
-Thank you for coming in.
-Fuck you.
[audience laughter]
Yeah, fuck that nigga, man.
Motherfucker.
Now listen Oh, guys
I wasn't even supposed
to do that fucking interview.
And then this guy comes up to me,
he pulls me to the side.
"Brother, I'm in the white man's world."
"I'm trying to get ahead."
All that bullshit.
[chuckles] You know that shit, right?
All that bullshit.
So I said, "All right,
I'll do the interview."
And he tried to set me up on live TV,
you piece of shit, motherfucker.
But Ike wasn't always angry, okay?
He also helped Mike give Mike perspective
on post-fight interviews.
I heard him,
actually, he was crying in there.
Making woman gestures like, "Oh-oh"
[audience laughter]
What?
I was referring
to the fight I just had, okay?
And in my opinion, the guy did make
woman gestures when I hit him.
But I realized that we're living
in this political, charged time.
Everybody's offended too fucking easy.
I can't make jokes about people.
So for the Bushy Beavers Association,
I'm gonna retract what I said, okay?
[laughs]
I don't need a bunch
of botched-body bitches, okay,
at my door with torches tonight, okay?
I'm too old for that shit,
so I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry.
But forget about what I said.
Look at the size of my alopecia patch.
Fuck.
I was so fucking stressed out back then,
I started losing my hair.
I looked like one of those Chia Pets
somebody forgot the water, you know?
[laughs]
"Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia."
[laughs]
I can't believe I'm saying this shit.
Okay.
No, but keep in mind, guys,
without Ike's manic moments,
I could have never brought you
one of the best
shit-talking rants of all time.
Listen to this rant.
I can't believe I did this shit.
My style is impetuous.
My defense is impregnable,
and I'm just ferocious.
I want your heart.
I want to eat his children.
Praise be to Allah.
[audience cheering]
Yes!
I just made that shit up on the spot.
Now that's talent.
Better than anything
any freestyle battle rapper could do.
Fuckers.
Sure,
we could all focus on the negative shit
that Ike brought in my life,
but it's undeniable that Ike did bring
a lot of joy to many people.
Trust me, when he helped me spend
all my fucking money,
he was a motherfucker.
No, everybody around me
had the best time on my dime.
There's no doubt.
I could possibly spend my money
like I was in a race to go broke.
And a race
that I would eventually win, right?
Buying all kinds of cars.
Ferrari, Rolls-Royces.
Every bitch I kissed got a car.
Or herpes, you know?
[chuckling] Or herpes.
It's true.
No, I was like Oprah.
"You get a car, and you get a car."
-"And you get herpes."
-[audience laughter]
And a car. I'm gonna give you a car too,
so you won't sue me. Oh.
Oh God.
And if she plays those cards right,
shit, she might even get a house.
Yeah.
Yes! Not just cars and houses.
Jewelry.
Chopard, Graff, and Rolex.
They're all in my Rolodex.
Oh, plus designer clothes
for all the pretty hoes.
Yes.
Hashtag "rich nigga shit."
Versace, Versace, Versace, bitches.
Yeah.
We got balls till we fall.
My wish was my command.
I was my own fucking genie in the bottle.
You should've seen me, man.
Just wake up and say,
"I want a fucking tiger."
And boom, a fucking tiger would appear.
Look at that. Look at my baby.
"Oh, I love you so much."
What, you never seen a nigga
play with a tiger before?
It happens every day. Her name is Kenya.
Well, it happens
every day in Africa, you know.
[laughs]
I don't believe I said that.
But her name is Kenya, the cat.
The tiger's name is Kenya, okay?
Sometimes, I forget to tell visitors
that I have the tiger.
Because, you know,
I had her ever since she was born.
A couple of weeks.
I used to let her
walk around the house like a house pet.
Every now and then, she'd corner
my friends in the living room, right?
And she's like 300 pounds,
but she's just a baby, right?
And they'd tell me,
"Yo, Mike, man! Yo, please! Yo, bro!"
"Yo, for life! Yo, Mike, please! Yo, Ike!"
They start stuttering shit,
but the cat never hurt nothing.
They act like a big fucking pussy.
And then [laughs]
But this No, trust me.
It taught niggas to fucking call
before stopping by, all right?
No, really. You should've saw
Bobby Brown when he came over.
He almost caught a heart attack.
You know, I'm not the place
I'm not the place
to just pop up, trust me.
You pop up at my house, you may get
some limbs popped off, you know.
And I'm the kind of guy
that I prefer being around animals
more than people nowadays.
People are the real savages,
not the other way around. Shit.
Give me a pigeon, a dog.
[audience cheering]
Even that nasty-ass,
diseased-looking sloth motherfucker,
you know, before you put me
around no-good, deceitful people, shit.
I even read
stalking was on the rise again.
But nowadays, when you think about it,
it's too fucking easy to be a stalker.
Stalkers don't have to work hard
to find you anymore.
The stalkers from the '80s
had to really commit to stalking
because it was a real job back then.
No shit, man.
When you think about it,
they had to put in actual groundwork
to find your ass.
Get out the Yellow Pages,
use a quarter in the pay phone
and try several numbers.
It could take years if you had a common
last name like Smith or Jones, you know?
Then, if they were lucky enough
to locate your ass,
they would still have to try
to get there without GPS.
No, just a paper map and bad directions
from a gas station attendant,
and you're just fucked, you know?
But I never had problems
with stalkers in my career.
Why?
Because I fucked all my stalkers.
I take all comers. Come one, come all.
Yeah, that's right. You come on, bitch.
I'm ready. [chuckles]
Fat one, skinny one, buck-toothed one,
fucking even sometimes
motherfuckers with no feet.
Just bring it.
I even tried to fuck a midget before.
[scattered indistinct shouting]
No, tell me nobody in here
thought about fucking a midget.
Nobody in here?
No, listen.
No, come on, they got them big asses
and short legs that don't get in the way.
And I will admit, listen,
the whole time, everybody, listen.
I will admit, I'm gonna admit,
I never fucked a midget before.
But I did do that word
that I can't pronounce
on a midget's pussy before.
And listen
And it's just
Midget pussy is just fat
and pulsating pussy, and it's
Man, it's fat
as a country boy's lunch box.
There's meat everywhere.
Midget pussy. Midget meat.
It's like It tastes like gizzards.
You never had
Midget meat is like gizzards.
You remember gizzards?
Black people remember gizzards, right?
And poor white people, you know gizzards,
but you got to gnaw on that, you gnaw.
I just got into that fucking midget pussy,
and I'm gnawing on that pussy.
[grunting]
And then the strangest thing happened.
As I was gnawing on her gizzards,
the gnaw,
she started--
she started going into the convulsions.
My head is here, and she's
And her toes started tickling my ear.
You know?
And my dick got hard.
And I came.
[chuckling]
And at that moment, I had no idea my ears
was an erogenous zone or something.
Is that the right word?
Sorry, guys.
I think I'm oversharing here, huh?
-[audience laughter]
-[laughs]
In this particular case,
sharing isn't caring.
It's not working out well.
But it happened, it happened.
But truly, let's just get
refocused on stalkers, okay?
Like I was saying,
I fuck the stalk right out of my stalkers.
Hey, if you stalk,
you won't be able to walk.
That's the rule.
Eventually, of course.
And listen, several of my stalkers
became my girlfriend,
and then I stalked them.
I'm the psycho boyfriend. [chuckles]
Ooh.
You know, I can handle stalkers, you know.
But I choose
to keep myself pretty isolated
because it's hard to trust
a motherfucker nowadays, you know?
Family members, friends.
And that's why most of the people I know,
my dear friends
who I'd known when I was a kid
in Brownsville, Catskill.
You know, I once heard Joan Rivers,
she explained this scenario why she kept
this friend around that nobody liked.
And she said,
"The reason why I keep him around
'cause he's the only guy
that I could say, 'Remember when.'"
You know, and it's important
to have people around
that you can say, "Remember when."
"Remember when this happened."
Because if I didn't have that,
all that I've gone through
to become this fucking guy right here
would be a fucking lie.
[voice breaks] And you don't understand
the importance of "remember when"
Oh man, excuse me.
until you experience enough loss.
[audience cheering]
"Remember when" is what I think about
when I think about legacy.
Wow, and, um, all I know is that, uh,
human beings are not born humble.
Life humbles us.
When I think about Alexander the Great,
he started off his life as a conqueror,
and he ended it as a liberator.
And I, too, once thought
life was about conquering.
Money, riches.
But now I realize it is about liberating.
Liberating yourself.
And that's why worrying about legacy,
to me, is a waste of time.
We don't really have a say
in how we're remembered.
And if we're truly objective
about who we are,
it's really impossible
to be the hero in our own story.
And that's true legacy.
My legacy is right here,
sharing this moment
with you guys right here.
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you very much.
Thank you for making this night legendary.
Good night. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
[audience cheering]
[reggaeton music playing]
Well, Mr. Tyson, when we last spoke,
I asked you a question
about your legacy, okay?
And your response went extremely viral.
Now that some time has passed, do you feel
any differently about your answer
or, you know, your legacy today?
No, um
But if my legacy is designed
to be on this planet, entertain people,
yes, I want them to say
I entertained them.
-Yeah.
-Yeah. I want that, yeah.
I appreciate your honesty either way,
and I really valued that interview too.
-Pleasure.
-Thank you so much.
[music ends]
[foreboding music playing]
[thunder rolls]
[thunder cracks]
[music turns atmospheric]
[crowd cheering echoes]
[crowd cheering]
[propulsive music playing]
Wow.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.
[cheering]
Thank you.
I'm back, baby.
Return of the fucking Mike.
Oh, man. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Please.
Man!
You know, it's been five years
since I've been on stage, and
-[audience member] We love you!
-Woo!
Hey, shut the fuck up!
Let me do my show.
Goddamn.
Listen, listen, it's been five years
since I've been on stage here, right?
And I have to tell you, man,
it feels so good being back here tonight.
[crowd cheering]
Man, I feel higher
than a giraffe pussy, man.
I'm serious, too.
And it's not because I smoked
before I came out here.
I did.
But that high has nothing to do
with this high right here.
This is a serious high.
And I know after seeing
my Return of the Mike opening,
you must think,
"Wow, Mike Tyson has a big fucking ego."
Right?
And you'd be right, you know, 100%.
And that's because
Alexander the Great is my alter ego.
You know?
That's AI, though.
You know, I never took that picture.
No, really, I didn't really take that.
But I love this new AI world, though.
If there's a picture of me
doing something I don't like,
I can just say it's AI.
And you know
a big part of my persona
has been pretty much inspired
by Alexander the Great.
One of my favorite speeches
by Alexander was, you know,
his so-called soldier,
the homeboy mutinies on him
in the city of Opis.
And Alexander did this badass speech,
reminding his soldiers that before him,
they weren't shit.
He made them
the most feared and respected warriors
on the planet at that time.
But after that, his boys hooked up,
and they rallied back around him,
embarrassed and apologetic.
Yet when I told people
how I felt about their transgressions,
I didn't get an army
of sorrys and "please, help me."
Instead, I went to jail.
-Boom.
-[audience laughter]
Whoa, look at the size of my neck.
Wow, 22 inches.
I thought I had the record
for the widest neck.
On the mugshot, that is, right?
Till this nigga's neck went viral.
Look at this guy.
[audience howls]
He's simply known as Wide Neck.
And he even has more mugshots than me.
Can you believe that shit?
Man, this guy's totally winning.
[chuckles] And listen, I had to blur out
his face because he couldn't sign
the fucking releasing sign
because this nigga's back in jail.
No, true story.
I can't make this shit up.
No doubt about this. This is real.
Interestingly enough,
Wide Neck would eventually
join forces with Long Neck.
Check this out.
And
Yes.
[chuckles] These motherfuckers
went on a glorious mission
to make sure all necks mattered.
Listen, uh
Look at this shit, man.
[laughs]
I'm seriously considering joining forces
with Wide Neck and Long Neck.
Since my neck lost the inch,
I can go by No Neck. [chuckles]
And we could be the fucked-up neck boys.
But listen, again, Alexander the Great,
he became a big part of my alter ego
because he mastered
the art of intimidation.
Man, he'd come to conquer a town,
and the opposition would just give up,
drop their weapons without even a fight.
They wouldn't even put up a fight.
It's no fight at all.
Kind of like
what happened here with this guy.
His name is Bruce Seldon.
Check this out.
I didn't even hit the guy. Watch this.
Listen, he just fell like a fainting goat.
I can't
Listen, that's the easiest 20 million
I ever made.
This is like a minute.
And then I'm saying,
thinking to myself now,
Alexander was only 32 when he died,
and most of the greats
don't really live long.
And if they do, you know,
there's usually
some kind of tragic ending.
Would Tupac and Marilyn Monroe
would have been considered great
if they lived longer?
No, I doubt it, seriously.
You stick around too long,
and your ass get Bill Cosbyed.
[imitates Cosby] Jell-O Pudding Pops.
Jell-O Pudding Pops.
Had Bill Cosby knocked off around 2004,
the same year
that Pudding Pops were discontinued
No, serious,
his legacy would have been intact
right along with them
nasty-ass Pudding Pops.
No, really.
Listen No, serious, man.
When the greats get old, man,
you start to see the holes.
Look at me. I'm almost 60 now, right?
And I'm surprised
I didn't hemorrhage out yet.
Actually, I almost did,
but we'll get to that later.
And that leads me
to the conversation about legacy.
A lot of people seem concerned
about my legacy and my business
more than ever these days, right?
Yet, I don't understand why.
I bit a motherfucker's ear.
How can
Whatever piece of legacy I had,
it went down the toilet that night.
Forever known as the bite fight.
Look at this shit.
Oh!
[commentator] What happened here?
You see the way Holyfield jumped up?
Look like he caught the Holy Ghost, huh?
[audience laughter]
That was the third round.
People thought
I was high at the time, really.
I wasn't, but it inspired me to make this.
[dreamy harp shimmering]
[audience laughter]
Yes.
Mike Bites.
Listen, a tasty gummy
that actually gets you high, really.
[applause]
At a dispensary near you.
Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
All right.
Listen, the Boxing Commission,
when I bit Evander's ear,
they fined me three million bucks, right?
And I'm thinking it's fucked up
because I don't think
they shared that money with him.
You know, if the commission really cared
about his ear and me biting his ear,
they'd have gave him
all the fucking money.
And, you know
But I did eventually
apologize to Evander, of course,
and even gave him back a piece of his ear.
I'm sorry, Evander.
[gentle music playing]
It's your ear.
[chuckles]
My ear?
I kept that in formaldehyde.
[applause]
I'm a classy guy, okay?
Okay?
[chuckles] Listen, over the past 30 years,
um, I have made that $3 million back,
one ear bite pic at a time.
There's no shit.
The ear bite pic is a fan favorite.
It never goes out of style.
Mothers pass me their babies
to bite their ears.
And then the No, serious.
And the elderly
want their ears bitten too.
Crackheads, everybody.
And it's really getting
No, I'm serious. I'll bite theirs, though.
But listen [laughs]
They're talking shit now. [laughs]
No, but it's really
getting out of control, though.
But do you think
it's the opposite for Holyfield?
Do you think people ask Holyfield
if they could bite his ear
when they take a picture with him?
I'm gonna ask him next time I see his ass.
But it's a possibility. I don't know.
And
And listen, I wanted to say
all this talk about legacy, my legacy,
had made me think about some
of the decisions I made in my life.
And I'm at a conclusion
that I, personally,
don't give a fuck about legacy.
What the fuck do I care about legacy?
[applause]
No, check this out, really.
If legacy was
really all that important to me,
would I have became one of the very few
fat cokeheads on the planet?
-[audience laughter]
-No, really, really, look.
Ju-- Just look.
How many people here
know a fat cokehead, huh?
Nobody knows a Look, yeah, very rare.
You're the only person here.
Very rare, the rare sighting.
So if you see one, right,
grab his rolled-up dollar bill
and make a wish,
or better yet, take a sniff. [chuckles]
You know? But good luck, that is, really.
[exhales] I was thinking
I was out of my mind back then.
I was definitely not thinking
about legacy when I performed this.
[singing "Monster Mash"]
-They did the mash
-He did a monster mash.
He did the monster, the monster mash
[audience laughter]
Like Rick James said,
"Cocaine's a hell of a drug."
-[laughs]
-[audience laughter]
I was high as a motherfucker.
Man, I was so high.
Uh [laughs]
Furthermore, furthermore,
if legacy meant anything to me, moi,
would I have danced to this bullshit?
I can't sleep at night
I toss and turn
Listenin' for the telephone
When I get your call I'm all choked up
Can't believe you called my home
I'm trying to do it.
I don't know how to do this shit.
And why'd I do that, you ask?
-I had no fucking money. That's why.
-[audience laughter]
I had to take advantage
of my Mike Tyson-ness, you know.
I definitely was not thinking about legacy
whenever the fuck
I think I was doing here.
Oh, I'm feeling bee-utiful
Bee-utiful
What the fuck?!
[audience laughter]
[laughing]
This is drugs, guys. [laughs]
I guess I got too high on my own supply.
But still, no excuse.
Look at my balls, man.
[audience laughter]
I got bee balls. Bee balls.
Honey nuts, okay?
[laughs]
I'm sorry. All right.
Well, if anybody's still confused
if legacy's important to me
Of course, I think I summed it up
in this interview right here
with this up-and-coming
young lady named Jazzy.
Check this out, right here.
So after such a successful career,
what legacy would you like to leave behind
when it's all said and done?
I don't know.
I don't believe in the word legacy.
I just think that's another word for ego.
Legacy doesn't mean nothing.
That's just some word
everybody grabbed onto.
Someone said that word,
and everyone grabbed on,
so now it's used every five seconds.
It means absolutely nothing to me.
I'm just passing through.
I'm gonna die, and it's gonna be over.
[audience laughter]
Wow. I'm breaking knowledge, right?
[laughs]
Listen, really, somebody has to tell
a baby Santa ain't fucking real, right?
And I'm that guy. I'm just that guy.
You wanna break the news
about the Easter Bunny
or the goddamn Tooth Fairy?
Because I will do it.
Because nobody had to tell us
Brownsville kids Santa wasn't real.
Trust me.
We knew there was no way
Santa or the fucking Easter Bunny
was gonna make it up to our apartment
without getting shot, robbed,
or raped in our building.
And forget about the Tooth Fairy.
That bitch would have left
our neighborhood toothless. Trust me.
I know you're laughing,
but it's not funny, really hard times.
But last but not least,
if I was truly concerned about legacy,
would I have fought Jake Paul and lost?
[audience exclaims]
Look at him. Ain't that some bullshit?
I lost to a fucking YouTuber.
And look, he left me hanging.
Fuck.
Look, "Nextflick," right?
The streaming on "Nextflick"?
Did I say it right? "Streaming," right?
Had trouble keeping up
with my ass, though.
Listen, over 165 million people watched.
The most watched boxing event in history.
Check this out, though.
[applause]
Wait.
I may have lost.
I may have lost the fight,
but my ass won that night.
[audience laughter]
Yeah.
[audience cheering]
Oh!
Holy shit.
I look like
I'm about to fuck that fight, huh?
[audience laughter]
Look at this shit!
Instead of "Iron" Mike,
I'm now known as "Sweet Ass" Mike.
"Sweet Ass" Mike.
Can you even believe that shit, though?
Look at that.
A 60-year-old ass on television.
Okay, listen.
What kind of memes were,
you know, made in honor of my ass?
Can you believe
Look, like this one right here.
Can you believe this?
This is my ass, supposedly.
Side-by-side comparison,
I think my ass
has the gingerbread man's ass beat.
I got a better jockstrap, too.
[chuckles]
But the gingerbread man sure looks good.
I don't know if that's a gingerbread man
or a gingerbread woman, but anyway, so
Just laying down,
like they're ready to take a pound.
On all fours.
Ooh. And I can make that cookie crumble
from the back door.
What the fuck am I saying? [laughs]
I didn't take my meds this morning.
You know I take meds, right?
You do know I take meds, right?
But what you guys don't know,
right before the Jake Paul fight, right,
I almost died.
I almost hemorrhaged the fuck out.
That's the word, "hemorrhage"? I did that.
Almost hemorrhaged the fuck out.
Not hemorrhoid, hemorrhage.
It came all out, but anyway,
I had boarded this flight to LA,
and so I planned to see my doctor
because something was wrong.
I didn't know what it was.
I had no energy.
About 30 minutes before landing,
my stomach started bubbling
like I had to take a shit.
And I used to think it was a reaction
to the nasty airplane fucking food, right?
So I rushed into the small bathroom,
and I took a colossal
Oh, a colossal-sized shit, right? And
One of the biggest shits of my life.
I'm not kidding.
A big one. Whoomp!
So with my pants down,
my pants are down around my ankle,
and I'm holding my balls,
so they won't touch
the filthy toilet water.
You know
what I'm talking about, right, guys?
There's fucking polluted water
in the damn
And while I'm there,
suddenly, I'm thinking
about Shaquille O'Neal.
-[audience laughter]
-You know? I'm telling you.
And I'm thinking,
"How the fuck does Shaq shit?"
No, really, how the fuck does Shaq shit
in this tiny-ass airplane bathroom?
It's im-fucking-possible, right?
I could barely fit in there.
And this nigga's foot
is bigger than my entire body.
No, all jokes aside,
it reminded me of this documentary
I was watching about Andr the Giant.
And he was the same size
as Shaq, 7'4", 7'5".
And he had to wear a diaper
at long flights,
if he had to go to Japan or Europe,
because he couldn't fit in the bathroom.
So I'm thinking to myself,
"Shaq must've had to wear
a diaper for long flights too."
No, really, until he was rich enough
to buy his own plane.
And I don't know
why Shaq popped in my head, but, um
How does Shaq shit in small places?
That could be a Jeopardy! category.
[audience laughter]
I'll take "How Does Shaq Shit?"
for 200, please. [laughs]
I take [laughs]
Oh, I can't believe I'm saying this shit.
All right
[laughing]
All right, let's get back
to my own shit, okay?
[chuckles] So I'm--
So I'm starting to feel a little better
after that shit in the bathroom,
then out of nowhere [retches]
I threw up blood.
"Oh shit, this can't be good."
I'm still on the toilet, though.
And I panicked from the blood,
and I pushed the door open.
But as soon as the door opened,
I fainted to the ground.
Boom, with my pants half down, boom.
Ass all out,
like the gingerbread man up in those.
No, I'm serious, all out.
Listen, I couldn't believe this shit.
In a million years,
this is how "Iron" Mike was gonna go out?
In a puddle of my own shit
on a fucking commercial flight?
Yes. Yes, I fly commercial.
No, I-- I'm just nigga rich,
I'm not private plane rich, okay?
So listen, I'm [chuckles]
There's only a few niggas
that's gone beyond nigga rich,
if you think about it.
And Shaq is one of them, okay?
Come to find out I had a two-and-a-half,
three-inch ulcer, right?
And didn't even know it.
I was in the hospital for 11 days,
had eight blood transfusions,
and lost 25 pounds.
Out of nowhere.
So after the hospital,
I only had a short window to recover
and start training again before the fight.
Canceling the Jake Paul fight
was not an option, no way.
Even though I still didn't feel
100% that fight night,
I wasn't giving up that money.
No, no, I was
I already spent that money
on Stefano Ricci,
and I wasn't giving that money back.
No way, buddy.
So I said, I'm gonna do the fight.
But forget about legacy, really.
I truly believe I have something
that served me far better than legacy.
No, really, it's something
so rare and unpredictable.
And frankly, I can't explain
how I got it and what to do with it.
But somehow, someway,
I become uncancelable.
No, serious. No, really.
-Can you believe this? Me, uncancelable.
-[audience cheering]
I didn't do this. This is real stuff.
The computer did this.
Can you believe this?
I'm the fucking poster boy
for uncancelability.
It's cool, but weird, you know?
Me being uncancelable
is kind of like, you know,
like when I had gonorrhea, right?
Is that how you pronounce it?
Yeah, when I had gonorrhea,
because I was burning a lot
of bitches in the '80s, right?
But they took that risk
because they knew they wouldn't die,
and plus, their purse size
would rise, you know?
So thank you, everyone,
that fucked with me over the years.
And I appreciate it,
even though they knew it was risky.
You know?
And I'm not
feeling sorry for myself, no way.
But man, I've been through a lot.
Don't you know they tried to cancel me
in the '80s, the '90s, and 2000s?
Well, actually,
I kept trying to cancel myself.
I was Kanye
before Kanye was Kanye, you know?
But the things I did was way worse
than anything Kanye could do, you know?
My brain was more insane
because, nigga,
I was on that cocaine, and I was
[audience exclaims]
Hold up, this is the shit
I gotta go through.
Who the fuck took this picture?
I've been trying to find
this motherfucker that took this picture,
or who it was, for years,
so I can personally thank him
for putting my foot up his ass.
Can you believe this shit?
I gotta deal with it the rest of my life.
My grandkids gotta see this shit.
I wish I could say that was AI.
[laughs]
Nigga walk around a club like that.
"Can you do this?"
Now
listen, I'm not standing here
as a shining beacon of hope
that dare not get canceled, no.
Many have tried and failed, you know?
It's just one
of those fluke things I have,
like a shooting star, perhaps,
or the time Nick Cannon
was married to Mariah Carey.
Remember that?
Yeah, it happened,
but we still can't explain
how it happened.
You know? How this shit evolved, you know?
You know, I have to be honest.
My non-cancellation status
is kind of like the math rule
how two negatives can make a positive,
and all my negatives turn me positive.
So now, I'm mathematically impervious
to the cancel game, right?
Yeah, motherfucker.
I'm "Iron" Mike on ice. Yeah!
-[audience cheering]
-Yes. Yes.
And I don't take my uncancelability status
for granted either.
I really appreciate it.
But I'm honored. No, really, I am.
But I have some stiff competition.
Like Charlie Sheen. Remember that guy?
"Winning!"
Even though I don't take
my uncancelability status for granted,
I like to say there is something
that we all have taken for granted.
The people I see here that's my age.
I'm speaking of our youth, you know?
I notice when you're young,
it's all about the hump, right?
And then you're my age,
it's all about the dump, you know?
I'm always listening. No shit, right?
When you're young,
you take dick pics, right?
When you're my age, you take shit pics.
You know? Really.
Listen, I have a whole album book
of shit pics, you know?
No, wait till you get my age.
You'll be collecting shit pics too.
There's no doubt about it.
And let me clarify, you know,
I only take pictures of my own shit, okay?
To make sure I don't have colon cancer
and all that other crap, right?
So don't go DMing me shit pics, okay?
I'm not a collector, all right?
But I [chuckles]
I'm not a collector, but I
[laughing]
I do think about aging.
Anybody here think about aging?
Does it bother anybody here?
It's a motherfucker, right?
When you get older, doing simple shits
get harder when you're older, you know?
Getting hard even get harder.
You know?
Listen, don't even let me get started
on the enlarged prostate.
[puffs] I think I'm done pissing.
I zip up my pants.
And then I realize I pissed in my pants.
Does that happen to anybody?
And tell the truth.
Look, kindergarten all over again, right?
So no, it happens to me constantly.
No, not constantly.
I got those pills that help me stop,
but it still continues.
You want a blow job?
Forget about it, you know?
If she's around my age,
she'd say her TMJ's in the way.
No shit.
Even a simple hand job
is even out of the question.
Because the old broad my age
got carpal tunnel, you know what I mean?
I'm serious, all those years
of stroking caught up with her.
This is my life.
I'm gonna explain that to you.
You don't have to believe me,
but it's my life.
When I consider thinking about it,
the closest I get to a blow job these days
is when my wife blows my ashes
off the coffee table.
You know what I mean?
I'm like, "What the fuck is this?"
But I do have to confess,
I'm not aging gracefully, no, no.
I'm aging fucking angrily.
No, I just wake up mad
for no fucking reason.
Fuck everybody, I pay the cost
to be the motherfucking boss!
What I say goes in this motherfucker!
I'll burn this motherfucker down!
And all that bullshit.
Nigga shit, right?
Because I noticed, um, that men,
men, we get angry as we get older.
We come to terms with our mortality
and realize that we're just
one good belch away from croaking,
you know?
And we start losing our hair.
And that shit really pisses us off, right?
Oh, but esp--
especially Black men, you know?
We don't have the options like white guy
that comb our hair
over one side to the other
to cover up the bald spot.
We don't have that.
This guy go all out, you know?
Even though that shit look creepy,
it'd still be nice
to have that as an option, right?
It's just bald or bust for us.
It's somewhat of an invincibility
that comes with still having
a full set of hair for some reason
because you can talk all that shit
because you know
you have the hair to back it up.
I'm saying I miss having hair.
No more curls for the girls,
the waves for the babes.
Man, I was chilling.
[audience laughter]
Look at those fucking curls.
More like nigga knots.
[audience laughter]
[chuckles] But I talked a lot of shit
with those nigga knots, man.
Now I'm just bald
for the old broads on menopause.
No menopause going on in here?
[women whooping]
Say, I'll fuck you.
[laughing]
You know what I'm saying?
I look in the mirror and think sometimes,
"Damn, is that me or fucking Holyfield?"
Look, right?
What the fuck happened?
When did me and Holyfield morph
into the same fucking person?
Now people are starting
to confuse me for fucking Holyfield.
And when I say people,
I mean white people.
You know, white people, we all look
the same to these motherfuckers.
No, listen.
No, listen to this shit.
White people come up to me
and congratulate me
for kicking my own ass.
"You got him good."
I'm going And I just say thank you.
Because I know they don't mean
to be offensive and stuff.
They don't. They're good people.
They think we all look alike.
And unfortunately, we all kind of do start
looking alike as we get older and balder.
Later in life,
I did try to grow this shit.
But shit didn't work out
quite the way I wanted it, you know?
What do you think about that?
I had no idea how much I looked
like Fred Sanford on Sanford and Son.
-[audience laughter]
-Go!
Damn, we could be twins.
He had more hair than me, too.
Fuck.
I'm digressing once again.
Please forgive me.
Maybe talk of legacy bothers me
because it reminds me
that the clock is fucking ticking.
Time to slow the fuck down.
But retirement scares a guy like me.
I gotta do shit.
You know, I'm nobody.
What am I supposed to do if I retire?
Tell me.
Last time I retired,
I developed a cocaine addiction.
Can't go there anymore.
You know, when I really think about it,
becoming the youngest
heavyweight champ of all time
was checked off the goals No, no.
-[applause]
-Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
[audience cheering]
Becoming the youngest
heavyweight champ of all time
was checked off the goals list in 1986.
[ding]
Now I got nothing.
That box was the only box on the list.
Now I'm totally lost.
Me without a goal
is like me without a soul.
I'm just fucked.
Then I wind up
doing stupid shit like this.
Check this out.
This is some real dumb shit right here.
[woman] I don't want you to fall.
[laughs]
This some high nigga shit right here.
[woman] Oh my God!
-Oof.
-[audience laughter]
I got high.
Lookit, they laughing at my Black ass.
Yeah, I got high on my own supply.
Trying to show off for the kids.
But fuck that hoverboard.
A piece of shit.
Too fucking dangerous.
That's why it's not around no more.
Just as bad as a bullet, in my opinion.
Just my opinion.
Because I haven't been the same
since I went down.
I haven't been the same.
I broke my back.
My back is broken. Spinal.
Yeah, spinal, nigga.
Yeah.
Spinal. I love the word.
That's why I said it. I don't know.
Uh
I didn't really break my back.
But the pain was way worse, man.
I was fucked.
Sciatica got me.
Anybody here ever gotten any sciatica?
You? Oof.
I know you know what I mean.
A bunch of old niggas in here too,
looking fucked up.
I know they know about sciatica.
Listen, with sciatica,
I couldn't do nothing. Nothing.
I couldn't even talk shit with sciatica.
I tried to check a nigga.
My ass cheek was clenched up so tight.
And I went, "Fuck.
I'm turning into Steve fucking Urkel."
I'm not lying.
[audience laughter]
[chuckles] It's not funny
when you get it, right, sir?
So eventually, I had to have surgery.
Surgery.
So I had an Asian surgeon, right?
So now I know stereotypes
are not cool anymore,
but they all stem from some kind of truth.
So in a life-or-death situation
like surgery,
I'm gonna go with the Asian doctor.
Unless he's Filipino.
And then in that case,
I take a Jewish doctor.
All right? But listen
Come on, man.
Don't get your rice patties in the bunch.
I'm just kidding, okay?
I love Pacquiao.
I just don't want him
to be my fucking doctor, okay?
Shit. Man.
You know, I'd still do it all over again.
Even though all the pain I had to endure
later to become the heavyweight champ.
I'm really crippled, really.
But I just look good.
To become the heavyweight champ,
I'd do it all over again.
I would do it.
[audience cheering]
No, really, I mean it.
I'd do it all over again.
And when I'm talking at this moment,
I'm talking to young people.
And I'm very serious when I tell you this.
Enjoy your youth, okay?
Because it goes by so fast.
I was the youngest guy in the room.
Now I'm the oldest guy in the room.
You know?
And the best years of my life
wasn't when I was heavyweight champ
with endless money and bitches.
Forget it. Oh, man.
No, the best time of my life
was when I had no cash
and too broke to get ass, right?
Just hanging in the streets
with my Brownsville crew.
But eventually, of course,
I would move up north
to Catskill, New York.
And I would live
with my boxing coach, Cus D'Amato.
-[applause]
-Yeah, that's him right here.
Oh, this is a great man right here.
This is a great man.
He changed my whole entire life, you know.
He made me believe that I was destined
to be the heavyweight champ of the world.
And I was taking totally true advantage
of my double life up north.
Man, I was 13 when I first met Cus,
and I went to live with him full-time.
And, you know, adjusting from living
in the Brownsville zoo
to my Catskill castle Upstate New York,
it was pretty much easier than I thought.
And I totally reinvented myself
in that small town.
Man, I learned that I was very adaptable.
Real phony sometimes, you know?
Well, look at me.
Look, I was so happy here.
I was almost gay.
-[audience laughter]
-[laughs]
And it's safe to say too,
the girls were not beating down
my door that year, no.
But I didn't care, I didn't care.
I was truly embracing
my new happy life in Catskill.
Believe it or not, I was quickly turning
into this nigga Carlton
from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Look at that shit.
[laughs] That was me.
Can you believe I just did that shit?
[laughs] Oh, man.
Listen, I could do that dance in Catskill
and not worry about getting shot, right?
But to actually
I never mastered the art of dancing.
I'm being honest with you, really.
But at this time in my life, right
[scoffs]
I was pretty awkward
with girls at this time.
But my dick was always hard,
like Chinese mathematics.
I didn't know what to do.
I thought I was a weirdo or something.
But that happens when you're 14,
13 years, 15 years old.
So I was relieved when I finally was able
to add a girlfriend to my equation, right?
And her name was Tasha Warner.
And check this out.
She was cute in like an '80s kind of way,
pretty much like a mushroom haircut,
like Tootie from The Facts of Life.
Yeah, this is her.
She had braces like that,
and also peach fuzz above her upper lip.
It was kind of thicker than mine,
I have to admit.
And she loved baby powder.
Listen, I'm keeping it real right now.
I don't know about other races,
but Black girls that I knew in the '80s
used a lot of baby powder.
Especially down there.
Did anybody here know people like that?
Well, I did.
So one day, I was in Tasha's bedroom,
and she wasn't ready
to have sex at the time.
So I performed fellatio on her.
For the best of my first time
capabilities, of course.
And listen, I'm saying fellatio, right?
But I know it's not the right word
when a man goes down on a woman,
but I can't pronounce the other word that
[audience laughter]
Fuck you laughing for now? I'm trying
to tell you this story, motherfucker.
This is not the laugh line, okay?
[chuckles]
I'm bear I'm bearing my soul to you,
and you're fucking laughing
because I can't pronounce it?
Anyway, for you, I'm gonna try, okay?
So what I did was I did this on her.
It was called
"cougalangus."
[audience laughter]
Or "cagalangus."
Hey, I don't fucking know.
I can't pronounce that shit.
You know I have a lisp.
It's a weird fucking word anyway.
Especially with my lisp, so fuck that.
Sound more like a medieval torture device,
some kind of shit device.
So I'm trying to do that word
that I can't pronounce, right?
But when she took off her panties
[chuckles]
She took off her panties,
I was blinded
by an avalanche of baby powder.
Pugh! Poof! [chuckles]
In my eye, I could not believe this shit.
This could not be real, right?
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
But I couldn't complain.
It was like Tony Montana knew her twat
was the perfect hiding spot
because it was just white smoke.
Poof-poof!
And going down on her in those conditions
was pretty challenging for me
'cause I didn't know what I was doing.
I tried to believe and think
that it was vanilla ice cream, right?
But the stench made it
more like sour cream, pretty much.
[audience exclaims]
I'm bearing my fucking heart to you.
Don't fucking laugh.
Had I known then what I know now,
I would've known
it was a fucking yeast infection, okay?
Yuck! You know, shit like that
happens to niggas like me.
I just don't tell people.
It was disgusting.
This is some disgusting shit. This is--
So I'm down there, I'm making my way
through her bushy, white pussy.
She's a Black girl, but the pussy's white
from the powder, okay?
[laughs]
And it's so yeasty,
but I'm down there already.
So I'm going
My face is so yeasty,
I can make bread on it.
But I'm still working.
Dipping and diving,
trying to get the good spots and stuff.
You know, I'm dying down there, okay?
But I'm doing it still
because I want to do it.
Because I never did it before.
And suddenly, we hear a loud choking sound
coming from down the hall, not far from
from like here to there,
and Tasha yelled, "Mommy! Mommy!"
And she runs down the hall,
leaving a trail
of baby powder behind her, right?
And I'm like
So I follow her into the kitchen.
Man, my dick was so hard,
it made it to the kitchen
before the rest of me, right?
And I'm, like, saying
I see Tasha's mother, Miss Warner,
I'm not lying, turning blue,
on my children's life.
A Black bitch turning blue, okay?
So, listen
a fucking hot dog stuck down her throat,
and no, man, on my children's life.
I said, "How did this
fucking shit happen?"
She comes across
a very sophisticated lady.
And normally, you bite as you go, right?
But here she was with the whole beef boner
enlarged down her throat.
And I'm like,
"Whoa, this could be serious."
So Tasha's yelling at me.
"Do something! Help my mother, please!"
"Help my mother! Please, help my mother!"
And I'm like, "Okay."
Now I never did the
"Hime" or "Heimlich"?
Heimlich? The Heinrich? Whatever.
I never did
the Heimlich maneuver before, right?
But it can't be too hard, right?
So I position myself
gently behind Mrs. Warner.
My boner's pressing firmly against
You can see this happening, right?
All right. I'm not
This is not what I wanna do.
I'm-- Not intentionally, but
Although it did feel nice.
-[audience laughter]
-[chuckles]
[laughing]
Listen, Miss Warner
had a lot of cushion for the pushin'.
I really would rather be with her
than her daughter.
You know one of them old ladies
in their 40s that still look good?
Yeah, she had a lot of cushion
for that pushin', man.
And I was just
What was I supposed to do, man?
Wait the two minutes
for the pressure of my dick to deflate?
By then, Mrs. Warner would have died.
What the fuck?
So I made an executive decision.
Check this out.
[audience laughter]
Any young man in my position
would have done the same.
I decided to,
with my arms wrapped
firmly around her belly,
I proceeded to pump on her ass.
Not meanly, but it was called for.
To the naked eye, it appeared
that we're fucking, but we're not, okay?
And I get one more good push, poof!
And like a rocket,
the hot dog gets shot out of her mouth.
Boom! Went right across the room.
Tasha's mom fell to the ground.
"Are you okay, Miss Warner, ma'am?"
"You broke my rib!"
"Broke your rib?"
"How about thank you
for saving your fucking life, okay?"
"I'm a fucking hero.
Are you fucking stupid?"
Listen, the whole scene looked crazy, man.
You got the powder here,
Tasha broke up with me.
Listen, the very next day,
she broke up with me because I I
I kind of like impregnated
her mother, okay?
[audience laughter]
Just kidding. [laughs]
No, her mother probably
made her break up with me,
so she never had to explain
why she got that
How did she get
that hot dog down her fucking throat?
A fucking hot dog.
[audience laughter]
I kind of think
the breakup was for the best.
Because at that time,
I didn't have time for the girlfriend.
Because me and my mentor,
we were going on a journey
to become champion of the world.
The greatest to ever live.
So everything else was secondary, man.
Us as fighters, boxers, we do for a living
what the average person
avoid doing their whole entire life.
So you have to be a little crazy
to do the shit that I do.
There's no doubt,
you know,
to become the kind of guy
that's insane enough
to want to punch people
in the face and really like it.
It didn't happen overnight, though.
But there was early signs
that I was different. I'm sure about that.
Like, some people
prefer to say, "special," okay?
The school psychiatrist
told my mother that I was retarded.
Yeah, the R word.
The fucking R word. We can't say that now.
You know, but in the '80s and '70s,
it was all right to say retarded.
It was cool, you know?
So it's okay for me to say it now.
No really, because those words
are grandfathered into my generation.
[chuckling] So listen
here's a perfect example
how I used the word retarded back then.
And nobody seemed to mind back then.
Check this out.
I like children. I probably want to be
a foster parent or something.
But I was working
at a retarded institution.
Yes, a retarded institution.
Come on.
Nobody really believed
I'd work in a retarded institution,
because I was retarded.
-[laughing]
-[audience laughter]
I was fucking retarded, thank God.
But, shit!
But check this out, right?
Retarded, midget,
faggot, and nigger
are all okay in my vocabulary, okay?
-I can say these words with impunity.
-[audience cheering]
Yes, because they're all grandfathered
in my era.
Yes, I'm glad you understand that.
So keep in mind,
everything you will hear in the next clip
was already grandfathered in.
So don't take fucking offense, okay?
It's just entertainment.
So this is a film at the press conference
I had with Lennox Lewis.
Lennox and myself, we got into a fight
at the press conference.
Well, I started the fight.
And afterwards,
this guy yells from the crowd,
"Put him in a fucking straitjacket,
you fucking monkey, you animal!"
Me.
So here's how I responded. Check this out.
Put him in a straitjacket!
Put your mother in a straitjacket,
you punk-ass white boy!
Come here, I'll fuck you in your ass!
So eloquent.
You faggot, you can't touch me.
You're not man enough.
I'll eat your asshole alive, you bitch.
[audience laughter]
Yeah, bitch, I'll eat your asshole alive.
Hey, I told you that shit
was grandfathered in.
So back then,
that's some loquacious conversation.
[laughs]
Plus, I didn't take my meds that day.
I blame everything on my meds.
I'm so happy they started
that mental illness shit.
I got away with a lot of shit, fuck.
Thank God. Oh, thank God. Thank God.
So these people
tell me I'm bipolar, right?
And I kind of think it's debatable.
But just in case, I take the meds.
Makes my wife happy.
My kids-- My kids too.
My wife makes me take them.
I don't want to take no fucking meds.
So, uh, listen, when I'm going through
my bipolar episodes, right?
My family calls me Ike, or Uncle Ike.
And the reason why is because
I'm called Ike
when I'm in a really fucked-up mood,
which causes me to catch cases
of Tourette's of the mouth, okay?
So I might
So when Ike is around,
it's like ID channel 24/7.
24/7 in my mind, I'm just losing it.
Without commercial breaks, right?
Everybody's a suspect.
The kids, my wife, the dogs,
my in-laws, you know.
To be clear,
Ike is not my alter ego at all.
He's my altered ego.
He's my ego that's fucked up, okay?
Ike's erratic behavior
sometimes makes Mike
say stupid shit like this.
I wish one of you guys had children,
so I could kick them in their fucking head
or stomp on their testicles,
so you could feel my pain.
No wow.
Now you know that's
no medication taken that day, right?
That's no medication.
Why am I saying shit like this?
Well, since nobody can see Ike
because he's a fucking
shapeshifter, right?
Mike is always left holding the bag,
and I'm wondering to myself,
"When is this shit gonna stop?"
It's like because sometimes
Ike is a little too honest.
I've sacrificed so much of my life.
Can I at least get laid?
You know what I mean?
I've been robbed of most of my money.
Can I at least get a blowjob?
[audience laughter]
Fuck yeah, right?
But I'm thinking, I don't
[exhales]
I don't really think
there's anything wrong with what I said.
Most men think this.
But I was just insane enough
to say it on live television.
And I really don't know if
I don't know, in Ike's defense, right,
I didn't want a blowjob for free.
I was willing to work for it.
I went out because when somebody trains,
you get crazy and bored.
I went to a strip club because
And I gave a dancer a lap dance, but--
-You gave her a lap dance?
-That's what I do.
I like to do what I want to do.
[audience laughter]
I think it's safe to say
I did not get Father of the Year awards.
Can you believe that shit?
I took my baby to the strip club.
No, he's not even a year old.
Can you believe
they let me take a baby to the strip club?
One of the strippers watched my baby
while I was giving a lap dance
to the other stripper.
Can you believe what kind of father I am?
This is when I'm doing a lot of cocaine.
But Ike isn't always an asshole.
Sometimes, Ike gets me out of situations
that I really don't want to be a part of.
Like this.
No, get off me. Get off my hand.
You got a lot of people coming, man.
I ain't doing , you scumbag.
you.
[audience cheering]
That's Don King.
He was getting on my fucking nerves,
waving those fucking flags around.
"Nah-nah-nah-nah."
"Only in America. I love you, God.
Only in America. God bless America."
It was either get up and walk off the show
or shove those fucking flags up his ass.
And so I believe Ike
helped me make the right decision,
and I walked off the show.
Ike should have let me
walk out of this interview.
We were both in a shitty mood.
Who cares? We're in a fight anyway.
What does it matter?
Well, for example, rage against
Evander Holyfield worked against you.
Well, it. It's a fight.
So whatever happens, happens.
Mike, why do you have to talk like that?
I'm talking to you
the way I want to talk to you.
You have a problem, turn off your station.
You know what? I think
we'll end the discussion right now.
-Then we could.
-You got it.
Have a nice fight, Mike.
off.
-There.
-[audience cheering]
He's interviewing me,
and I tell him to turn off his station.
[audience laughter]
I think I was mad because someone told me
wearing that beret was a good idea.
[audience laughter]
Uh, sometimes, Ike had to step up
and defend Mike, like this.
It's more nerve-racking for me
talking to a rat piece of shit like you.
-Come on, Mike.
-No, because you're a piece of shit.
All right.
We're gonna wrap up this interview.
-Thank you for coming in.
-Fuck you.
[audience laughter]
Yeah, fuck that nigga, man.
Motherfucker.
Now listen Oh, guys
I wasn't even supposed
to do that fucking interview.
And then this guy comes up to me,
he pulls me to the side.
"Brother, I'm in the white man's world."
"I'm trying to get ahead."
All that bullshit.
[chuckles] You know that shit, right?
All that bullshit.
So I said, "All right,
I'll do the interview."
And he tried to set me up on live TV,
you piece of shit, motherfucker.
But Ike wasn't always angry, okay?
He also helped Mike give Mike perspective
on post-fight interviews.
I heard him,
actually, he was crying in there.
Making woman gestures like, "Oh-oh"
[audience laughter]
What?
I was referring
to the fight I just had, okay?
And in my opinion, the guy did make
woman gestures when I hit him.
But I realized that we're living
in this political, charged time.
Everybody's offended too fucking easy.
I can't make jokes about people.
So for the Bushy Beavers Association,
I'm gonna retract what I said, okay?
[laughs]
I don't need a bunch
of botched-body bitches, okay,
at my door with torches tonight, okay?
I'm too old for that shit,
so I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry.
But forget about what I said.
Look at the size of my alopecia patch.
Fuck.
I was so fucking stressed out back then,
I started losing my hair.
I looked like one of those Chia Pets
somebody forgot the water, you know?
[laughs]
"Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia."
[laughs]
I can't believe I'm saying this shit.
Okay.
No, but keep in mind, guys,
without Ike's manic moments,
I could have never brought you
one of the best
shit-talking rants of all time.
Listen to this rant.
I can't believe I did this shit.
My style is impetuous.
My defense is impregnable,
and I'm just ferocious.
I want your heart.
I want to eat his children.
Praise be to Allah.
[audience cheering]
Yes!
I just made that shit up on the spot.
Now that's talent.
Better than anything
any freestyle battle rapper could do.
Fuckers.
Sure,
we could all focus on the negative shit
that Ike brought in my life,
but it's undeniable that Ike did bring
a lot of joy to many people.
Trust me, when he helped me spend
all my fucking money,
he was a motherfucker.
No, everybody around me
had the best time on my dime.
There's no doubt.
I could possibly spend my money
like I was in a race to go broke.
And a race
that I would eventually win, right?
Buying all kinds of cars.
Ferrari, Rolls-Royces.
Every bitch I kissed got a car.
Or herpes, you know?
[chuckling] Or herpes.
It's true.
No, I was like Oprah.
"You get a car, and you get a car."
-"And you get herpes."
-[audience laughter]
And a car. I'm gonna give you a car too,
so you won't sue me. Oh.
Oh God.
And if she plays those cards right,
shit, she might even get a house.
Yeah.
Yes! Not just cars and houses.
Jewelry.
Chopard, Graff, and Rolex.
They're all in my Rolodex.
Oh, plus designer clothes
for all the pretty hoes.
Yes.
Hashtag "rich nigga shit."
Versace, Versace, Versace, bitches.
Yeah.
We got balls till we fall.
My wish was my command.
I was my own fucking genie in the bottle.
You should've seen me, man.
Just wake up and say,
"I want a fucking tiger."
And boom, a fucking tiger would appear.
Look at that. Look at my baby.
"Oh, I love you so much."
What, you never seen a nigga
play with a tiger before?
It happens every day. Her name is Kenya.
Well, it happens
every day in Africa, you know.
[laughs]
I don't believe I said that.
But her name is Kenya, the cat.
The tiger's name is Kenya, okay?
Sometimes, I forget to tell visitors
that I have the tiger.
Because, you know,
I had her ever since she was born.
A couple of weeks.
I used to let her
walk around the house like a house pet.
Every now and then, she'd corner
my friends in the living room, right?
And she's like 300 pounds,
but she's just a baby, right?
And they'd tell me,
"Yo, Mike, man! Yo, please! Yo, bro!"
"Yo, for life! Yo, Mike, please! Yo, Ike!"
They start stuttering shit,
but the cat never hurt nothing.
They act like a big fucking pussy.
And then [laughs]
But this No, trust me.
It taught niggas to fucking call
before stopping by, all right?
No, really. You should've saw
Bobby Brown when he came over.
He almost caught a heart attack.
You know, I'm not the place
I'm not the place
to just pop up, trust me.
You pop up at my house, you may get
some limbs popped off, you know.
And I'm the kind of guy
that I prefer being around animals
more than people nowadays.
People are the real savages,
not the other way around. Shit.
Give me a pigeon, a dog.
[audience cheering]
Even that nasty-ass,
diseased-looking sloth motherfucker,
you know, before you put me
around no-good, deceitful people, shit.
I even read
stalking was on the rise again.
But nowadays, when you think about it,
it's too fucking easy to be a stalker.
Stalkers don't have to work hard
to find you anymore.
The stalkers from the '80s
had to really commit to stalking
because it was a real job back then.
No shit, man.
When you think about it,
they had to put in actual groundwork
to find your ass.
Get out the Yellow Pages,
use a quarter in the pay phone
and try several numbers.
It could take years if you had a common
last name like Smith or Jones, you know?
Then, if they were lucky enough
to locate your ass,
they would still have to try
to get there without GPS.
No, just a paper map and bad directions
from a gas station attendant,
and you're just fucked, you know?
But I never had problems
with stalkers in my career.
Why?
Because I fucked all my stalkers.
I take all comers. Come one, come all.
Yeah, that's right. You come on, bitch.
I'm ready. [chuckles]
Fat one, skinny one, buck-toothed one,
fucking even sometimes
motherfuckers with no feet.
Just bring it.
I even tried to fuck a midget before.
[scattered indistinct shouting]
No, tell me nobody in here
thought about fucking a midget.
Nobody in here?
No, listen.
No, come on, they got them big asses
and short legs that don't get in the way.
And I will admit, listen,
the whole time, everybody, listen.
I will admit, I'm gonna admit,
I never fucked a midget before.
But I did do that word
that I can't pronounce
on a midget's pussy before.
And listen
And it's just
Midget pussy is just fat
and pulsating pussy, and it's
Man, it's fat
as a country boy's lunch box.
There's meat everywhere.
Midget pussy. Midget meat.
It's like It tastes like gizzards.
You never had
Midget meat is like gizzards.
You remember gizzards?
Black people remember gizzards, right?
And poor white people, you know gizzards,
but you got to gnaw on that, you gnaw.
I just got into that fucking midget pussy,
and I'm gnawing on that pussy.
[grunting]
And then the strangest thing happened.
As I was gnawing on her gizzards,
the gnaw,
she started--
she started going into the convulsions.
My head is here, and she's
And her toes started tickling my ear.
You know?
And my dick got hard.
And I came.
[chuckling]
And at that moment, I had no idea my ears
was an erogenous zone or something.
Is that the right word?
Sorry, guys.
I think I'm oversharing here, huh?
-[audience laughter]
-[laughs]
In this particular case,
sharing isn't caring.
It's not working out well.
But it happened, it happened.
But truly, let's just get
refocused on stalkers, okay?
Like I was saying,
I fuck the stalk right out of my stalkers.
Hey, if you stalk,
you won't be able to walk.
That's the rule.
Eventually, of course.
And listen, several of my stalkers
became my girlfriend,
and then I stalked them.
I'm the psycho boyfriend. [chuckles]
Ooh.
You know, I can handle stalkers, you know.
But I choose
to keep myself pretty isolated
because it's hard to trust
a motherfucker nowadays, you know?
Family members, friends.
And that's why most of the people I know,
my dear friends
who I'd known when I was a kid
in Brownsville, Catskill.
You know, I once heard Joan Rivers,
she explained this scenario why she kept
this friend around that nobody liked.
And she said,
"The reason why I keep him around
'cause he's the only guy
that I could say, 'Remember when.'"
You know, and it's important
to have people around
that you can say, "Remember when."
"Remember when this happened."
Because if I didn't have that,
all that I've gone through
to become this fucking guy right here
would be a fucking lie.
[voice breaks] And you don't understand
the importance of "remember when"
Oh man, excuse me.
until you experience enough loss.
[audience cheering]
"Remember when" is what I think about
when I think about legacy.
Wow, and, um, all I know is that, uh,
human beings are not born humble.
Life humbles us.
When I think about Alexander the Great,
he started off his life as a conqueror,
and he ended it as a liberator.
And I, too, once thought
life was about conquering.
Money, riches.
But now I realize it is about liberating.
Liberating yourself.
And that's why worrying about legacy,
to me, is a waste of time.
We don't really have a say
in how we're remembered.
And if we're truly objective
about who we are,
it's really impossible
to be the hero in our own story.
And that's true legacy.
My legacy is right here,
sharing this moment
with you guys right here.
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you very much.
Thank you for making this night legendary.
Good night. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
[audience cheering]
[reggaeton music playing]
Well, Mr. Tyson, when we last spoke,
I asked you a question
about your legacy, okay?
And your response went extremely viral.
Now that some time has passed, do you feel
any differently about your answer
or, you know, your legacy today?
No, um
But if my legacy is designed
to be on this planet, entertain people,
yes, I want them to say
I entertained them.
-Yeah.
-Yeah. I want that, yeah.
I appreciate your honesty either way,
and I really valued that interview too.
-Pleasure.
-Thank you so much.
[music ends]