Mindhorn (2016) Movie Script

[lips popping]
[Richard trilling] Bro.
[Richard scatting]
[Richard clearing throat]
Ahem. I saw Susie
sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Barbara. Bastard.
Lemons, Lennon, liniment.
No. Lennon's lemon liniment.
[woman] A touch more powder,
Mr. Thorncroft.
[clears throat]
There he is.
Okay, Clive, let's do this.
Hey, Richie, I'm just prepping
for the stunt later on, okay?
-Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
-So, Pat, she's gonna faint, okay?
And then you pull her up like this:
Keeping this very strong.
-Pelvis close and go for the kiss.
-Watch this.
-Clive, okay. I have read the script.
Something like this?
I've got you.
You've got me all right.
[crowd whistling and cheering]
[sighs] Save it for the take, baby.
-Plenty more where that came from. Ha, ha.
That was okay,
but don't open your mouth when you kiss
because it spreads germs
all around the set.
-When you're acting, purse your lips.
Clive. Clive.
We weren't acting. [chuckles]
-I was acting.
Pow! This little firecracker
is the real star of Mindhorn.
[chuckles] Maybe I could get
some more lines next time.
[Richard laughing] That's a good one.
-That's your handbrake there.
-Yeah, okay, walk away, Clive, walk away.
-Ready to shoot.
Shoes, Clive.
[Clive] Shoes coming in.
Shoes are safe.
Shoes going on.
Shoes on.
Okay, let's go.
[man 1] Okay, guys, first positions.
You know I love you.
[man 1] Turn over.
I love you, too, honey.
[man 2] Sound running.
-Truth time.
-[man 1] Action!
[narrator] In 1983, Special Agent
Bruce P. Mindhorn was captured
during a secret operation
on the Siberian border.
Communist doctors performed
experimental cybernetic surgery upon him.
They removed his eye and replaced it
with a super-advanced optical lie detector
which meant
he could literally see the truth.
He escaped Russia
and returned home to the Isle of Man.
Bruce Mindhorn became
the best plainclothes detective
the Isle of Man had ever seen.
[woman grunts]
In a world of lies,
one man has had enough.
You can't hide the truth from...
[man] Richard Thorncroft is an actor
on the crest of a wave.
Richard, he's strong
and sprints like a panther.
Acting is 95 percent physicality.
That's why I practice capoeira.
[man] Here we see Richard demonstrating
the art of the Ginga
that gives him his flexibility
as an actor.
Your mouth's saying no,
but your brain's saying yes.
[man] But in real life,
Richard's eye has fallen on
part-time actress and full-time lovely
Patricia Deville.
Richard and I are a wonderful team,
both at work and, hopefully,
in life forever.
[man] Such is the success of Mindhorn,
it's rumored that Windjammer,
played by Peter Easterman,
may even get his own show.
I-- I-- I can't envisage
any kind of spin-off.
[man] Spin-offs or not,
Richard's star is burning bright
thanks to publicity genius
Jeffrey Moncrief.
We work hard on Mindhorn,
but we play hard, too.
Sometimes too hard. Heh.
Hello, rehab. [laughing]
[man] But to stay at the top,
you need to be remarkable
both on-screen and off,
and Richard certainly knows
how to play that game.
The Isle of Man is a hole.
Peter Easterman is not a great actor.
But when he is acting, he--
At least he stands there and does stuff.
[man] Whether Richard's winning awards
for his acting
or courting controversy
on top-rated chat shows,
it seems nothing can stop him
heading all the way to the top.
I'm going to Hollywood. Bye.
[man 1] Police in the Isle of Man
have discovered the body
of a young woman
washed up on Douglas beach.
[woman 1] Police are treating
Katya Lipinskii's death as murder.
[man 2] Police have confirmed
they have received several phone calls
from the suspect,
but have refused to divulge the content.
[phone ringing]
It's Plasticine.
It's here.
[ringing continues]
[Melly] I've told you before,
there's only one person I will speak to,
Detective Mindhorn.
-My name is The Kestrel.
[Melly squawking]
Sorry. Sorry, sorry.
-The Kestrel.
-Thank you.
I'll call the police station tomorrow
and if I'm not talking
to Detective Mindhorn in person,
more people are going to die.
Signing off.
-[Melly squawking]
[Green] Chief?
[Newsome] Oh, great.
Our chief suspect wants to talk
to a fictional fucking detective.
It was fucking shite and all.
Have you heard of haemotracteathosis?
It was on the menu
at my local Indian restaurant last night.
[both laughing]
Bruce, let me help you with this case.
I've told you before, I work alone.
What are we gonna do, chief?
You're crazy!
[Newsome] We've got 24 hours to produce
a convincing Mindhorn.
We'll have to bring the actor over
to take the call.
Tell that to the people
who stole my eye.
-Now, let's just think about this.
-[Newsome] Green's right.
Believe me, I wish that he wasn't.
Get me Mindhorn.
[Mindhorn on recording]
It's truth time.
[Richard] Baboons.
Baboons bring bliss.
The Benedict Cumberbatch backlash
has begun.
You are exactly where you need to be.
You are a powerful tiger.
Let's do this.
[speaking indistinctly]
-Bugger. Bugger.
-[man] Oi, keep it down, will you?
Yeah, okay. Sorry.
What you doing in there?
[man knocking on wall]
[singing] Can't handcuff the wind
Ah, hello, lovely. Here for the casting.
Richard Thorncroft.
Oh, great. Mr. Branagh's nearly ready
for you, Richard.
The B man.
Kenny B.
[laughing] Bloody good to see you.
Let's crack this baby open.
Hi. Richard Crowthorne, eleven o'clock?
[imitates Jamaican accent]
I speak the truth.
I am afeared of no man.
I am afeared of no creature.
I am my own man.
I am Clifton of Port Antonio.
Do you feel me?
Yeah, that's incredible.
That's-- That's literally incredible.
[clears throat]
-[in normal voice] Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Really, I mean, I don't know what to say,
but thank you.
I wanna try something.
I'd like to do it again.
But this time
I'd like to try it with a brogue.
Uh, no, I think we--
We're good, we've got everything.
I've seen everything
I could possibly want.
-You sure?
-[Kenneth] Oh, yeah.
Well, acting aside,
it's been great to catch up.
[Richard laughing]
Kenny B. This guy was one crazy hombre
back in the day.
Do you remember that hotel in Maidstone?
Oh, who can-- Who can--
Who can forget that?
-Did a tour of Medway basin.
-Thank you.
And this fella-- [chuckles]
Well, they'll have to re-paper
that hotel room.
-[chuckles] Yeah.
-I love what you're doing these days.
Ken, I really admire your balls. Okay.
The B man.
[Richard] The killer B.
The Branflake.
-Who was that?
-Not a fucking clue.
Hey, brother.
-You got my details?
[Richard] Lovely.
[woman] Sorry, Sarah.
Front desk say Richard Thorncroft is here.
Oh, Christ. I'm with Simon.
Tell him to wait outside.
Ah, Richard, darling. How are you?
[woman] It's too late.
I couldn't stop him.
[Richard] How am I? Well, let me think.
I haven't had an audition in 18 months
and you get me a schizophrenic Yardie.
Sounds like a good part to me.
If you're a 60-year-old Jamaican man.
Sorry, Simon. I didn't realize it was you.
-Hello. Hi.
-Big, big fan.
Big fan. Caught your Equus in Chichester.
-Powerful piece of work.
-Great. Thank you.
And you were fantastic in, um...
Oh, God, my memory's gone these days.
-Uh, you were fantastic in it.
-Thank you.
Sorry about the cock-up.
It was the new assistant.
How could you mix me up with Crowthorne?
Do I not exist?
No one seems to know who I am.
Me and the Branster go way back.
I don't suppose you...
Simon, sweetie,
could you just give us a few moments?
I could have this salad.
-Come back. Two minutes.
-Yes, yes.
What the hell's going on?
You're going through a transitional phase.
You said that five years ago, Sarah.
I mean, you're moving
from young, handsome hero
-to older, still very handsome but not...
-Yes, yes.
What's happening with my autobiography?
Are there any takers, any bites?
[over comm] Very quiet time
for actors' autobiographies.
Is it really? It's not very quiet
for Peter Easterman, is it?
No, I don't think so. Volume three?
What's this one called?
What I Did Yesterday?
Windjammer's on its 16th season.
-He's built a franchise.
He's even got his own range
of weatherproof clothing.
I did not get into this business
to sell cagoules.
You've gotta sell something, darling.
Sell this. Hmm?
This is a map of human emotion. Sell it.
Nobody can, darling.
You haven't got profile.
That's why you made me do
the Thrombi-Sox ads.
You said it would give me profile.
Thank God for Thrombi-Sox.
And that is not a sentence
I thought I'd ever utter.
Well, about Thrombi-Sox...
-They've gone in a different direction.
-[Richard] John fucking Nettles?
Well, you told the director
he was an embryo.
[Richard] He was-- He's about 12.
Sit down and calm down, come on.
All is not lost.
I had a very interesting offer for you.
An offer?
From the police.
-What do you mean?
-They want you to talk to a suspect
and see if you can lure him into custody.
What? So, this is a voiceover
or something?
Yeah, a bit like a voiceover.
-He thinks Mindhorn is a real detective.
-[Richard] What?
Mindhorn, that was it.
You were wonderful in that.
That was your Amadeus.
Well, I mean, Amadeus was my Amadeus.
[Richard] Yeah, fuck off, Callow.
This is a private conversation
between me and my agent.
Just calm down. Sit down.
-I don't wanna sit down.
-Stand up, but calm down.
I'll sit down.
Sit down, then.
Okay, so, let's focus
on this Mindhorn thing.
I was bloody good in Mindhorn.
You'll be even better now.
You've matured like a fine wine.
-A man could get drunk on that wine.
So, you go to the Isle of Man,
you take the call...
Sorry. Where?
The Isle of Man.
Uh, no. This isn't gonna work for me.
I do not go backwards.
-My career, I move forwards. Like a shark.
-Like a shark, yes.
But maybe going backwards
is the new going forwards.
Why don't you hook up with the old gang?
Jeffrey Moncrief has got
his own PR firm now.
Jeffrey Moncrief?
He went off the rails, I'm afraid.
Looks kosher to me.
You need all the publicity
you can get from this.
What about Pat Deville, your old flame?
Works for Manx TV now.
Profile, Richard.
Imagine, TV cop helps real cops
solve crime?
It's PR gold. You'd be a hero.
Do the interviews, get in the newspapers,
remind people who you are
and, bang, you're back on the map.
Just play Mindhorn one last time.
[line ringing]
[man over phone] Isle of Man constabulary.
I'm in.
Sorry, who is this?
[foghorn blowing]
[Moncrief over phone] Hello. Moncrief,
Public Relations International Limited.
Are you here?
Yeah, I'm here, two o'clock ferry,
like we said. Where are you?
I'm working my butt off here for you,
Why don't I see you later
at the police station
once I finish up here at the office?
Sounds good. What about the newspapers?
The Manx Express loves it.
They're sending a photographer
to get some shots of you doing the call
in the police station.
Now, we've got to get to Pat at Manx TV
afore she knocks off.
You know what, Jeff? I think I might have
time to squeeze that in before the gig.
I bet you have, you devil.
-Hey, come on.
She's not married
-and you're the thinking woman's crumpet.
-Ha, ha.
Bye, Jeff.
Ahoy there!
This is the old stomping ground.
Back in the old wild oats-sowing days.
[Green] Yeah, there's very good soil here,
I think.
[man on TV] Welcome to the Isle of Man.
Isle of adventure.
Isle of romance.
I'll have some of that.
-Mr. Thorncroft, DS Baines.
-Enchant. Call me Richard.
PC Green and I
will be overseeing your stay here.
-Roger that.
-We really appreciate this.
-I know you're a busy man.
-I had to move things around.
But work is work. This is more important.
Let's save some lives.
-This us?
-Yeah, yeah.
-You in? Great.
-Yeah, yeah, great.
We believe Melly thought
Mindhorn was real.
[Richard] Yeah, well, three years at RADA
give a man some skills.
[Green] Right.
-Are you a fan of the show?
-My mum liked it.
Ah... A woman of taste. [chuckles]
-She single?
-She's dead.
This is you.
Uh, we'll give you a knock in 20 minutes.
-Stay in the room.
-For your safety as much as anything else.
-Sure thing, big guy.
-You gonna be there the whole time?
-Right, yeah.
Yeah, good.
Really good news.
I'm gonna be doing some meditating,
so, um...
-You meditate?
-Something to think about.
-Thanks, I will.
Sorry about your mum.
Meeting someone.
[Pat] I can't believe she let you do that.
-Not for the first time.
[Pat] Download that footage
and get that sent over straightaway.
-[woman] Hello, Manx Television.
-[Richard] It's an offer or nothing.
Just the way I play it, Jeremy.
Bloody hell. I'll call you back.
Patricia Deville.
Don't tell me.
-It's gone.
-You're joking, right?
We did live together
for over two and a half years, so, um...
-Ha, ha. We certainly did.
What are you doing here?
Oh, you know, work, meetings.
Busy, busy, busy. What about yourself?
What are you doing here?
I'm a journalist now. I work here.
Get out of town. [laughing]
That's amazing. Actually, I might
just have a little something for you.
Is it weed killer?
-You left our house
to get some weed killer 24 years ago.
I haven't seen you since.
-I see what you're doing.
-The weeds are really out of control now.
[chuckles] I did explain my departure
in the letters.
The letters?
Yeah. The letters I wrote to you
and that you failed to respond to.
[both laughing]
-Let's not do this, shall we?
-Let's not even go there.
I'm only here for a couple of days,
I'm about to launch something fairly big.
-Now, I was thinking--
You wanna use me for some publicity,
right? You need some profile, is that it?
Way off, Pat. Um,
I can't talk about the details right now,
but let's just say it's a fairly
interesting little acting job.
I thought maybe you'd given up acting.
You didn't catch me on the last season
of Midsomer Murders?
That's what made me think
you'd given up.
Pow! [chuckles]
Ooh, you got me. Look at this.
Laughing and a-joking like old times.
Gotta run.
You'd be very foolish to walk away from
what I'm about to plonk down on the table.
I'm a serious journalist now, Richard.
Well, maybe catching
the psychotic killer Paul Melly
isn't a serious enough story for you.
There's a press gag on that case.
How do you know about it?
Why don't we grab a bite
and I'll give you the full expos.
You mean exclusive.
Whatever you say.
Let's talk later.
Let's do that.
Still got it.
[thud, then Richard grunts]
-[Richard] Shit.
-Where is he?
He said he was meditating.
Went pretty deep.
Uh... Threw in a bit of capoeira.
[exhales] Let's nail this mother.
The suspect's name is Paul Melly.
We think he might be using the island's
extensive mine system to evade capture.
-Mine system? Clever bugger.
-[Baines] Mm.
Do you recognize him, Richard?
[Richard] Oh, my God.
It's my agent.
Only joking. [chuckles]
Could I get an Americano with hot milk?
So, the boy's parents were killed
in a car crash when he was nine.
And, uh, when he was informed,
he was watching an episode of Mindhorn,
so, he has developed
a sort of morbid obsession with the show.
Could have been worse.
Could have been Windjammer.
Yeah. Well, he is calling in 15 minutes,
and he's calling himself the Kestrel.
Now, he might make
some sort of kestrel noises.
Kestrel noises, good.
Look, I've got a couple of friends coming.
I wonder if I could put a list
on reception.
A list at reception?
Yeah, Jeffrey Moncrief plus one.
[Green] Richard,
this is Chief Inspector Derek Newsome.
[Richard] Ah, the head honcho.
El honcherino. The big cheese.
-You look familiar. Did we golf?
I wanted to talk to you
about the press conference.
We could co-host, but I'm camera trained,
and in these things, police can
come across as weird and sweaty-looking.
Mr. Thorncroft, you are aware
of the seriousness of the situation?
Bigtime, yes, indeed.
We'll hash out the details of that later.
-Is there a dressing room?
-This is a call.
-You know how phones work.
-Don't know if you know how acting works.
-Not really, and I'm not interested.
-We all have our process.
Sometimes an item of clothing or footwear
can define a character.
Uh, you have your costume, I have mine.
[Newsome] This isn't a costume.
This is officially sanctioned uniform
denoting rank and civic responsibility.
It's still a kind of costume.
You put it on to play "the chief,"
and then you take it off
when you go home to your wife,
or maybe you don't. [chuckles]
-All the world's a stage.
-No, it isn't.
A young woman has been murdered
and we're trying to catch her killer
before he does it again.
-Do you wanna get changed through here?
What's wrong with him?
Lost his truncheon?
-[Moncrief] Richie.
The cops are being bloody stingy
with the door policy.
-Ah, bastards.
-We're gonna have to get
the photographer to take the photos
outside the building looking in.
I'm on the first floor.
I'll favor the windows on the north.
North windows. Right, got it.
Are you nearly here?
Uh, I'm running a tad late, Richie.
I had to tidy up the Glendale account.
Uh, will you speed things up there,
You know, it's great to be heading back
to the big time with you, Richie.
Wish me luck.
Hey, you are going to be great, Richie.
Tits and teeth, eh?
Hello, old friend.
-[Baines] Richard.
When Melly calls, you need
to stay in character at all times.
When I go in, I go deep.
Ah, the old two-way mirrors.
I love these things.
[Baines] Here's a list of prompts.
If you could stick to script, great.
And avoid any of these,
you know, trigger words.
Insane. Nutjob. Mental.
Blah, blah, blah, usual stuff.
-This the phone?
-That is the phone.
That's gonna be okay.
-If you could just keep it in its cradle.
-Just connecting with the props.
So, when he calls,
keep him on the line, keep him talking...
-...arrange to meet,
and we'll take it from there.
Here you go, Richard.
I couldn't find any manuka honey.
-Oh. Two teabags, though?
-Yep, like you said.
A little tip I picked up from Sean Bean.
Double-bag Bean, we called him.
The Bean Bag.
[phone ringing]
This is it.
[Richard] Shoes going on.
Shoes on.
[ringing continues]
Yeah, whenever you're ready, Richard.
[ringing continues]
Yeah, whenever you're ready--
Oh, Jesus. Answer it.
Fucking clown.
Mindhorn makes people wait.
When they wait, they become angry.
When angry, they become vulnerable.
When they're vulnerable,
they make mistakes.
Yo, what's going down?
[dial tone]
Hello? Hello? He's hung up.
You might wanna try 1471.
[phone ringing]
Yo, what's going down, Kestrel?
[Melly on phone] Do you remember me?
Course I do. What do you want, sir?
I have something for you, Mindhorn.
That's nice. Is it my birthday?
Yes, yes, he's close,
maybe in a phone box.
Because the only present
I'm interested in is the truth.
And don't bother wrapping it,
because I don't care for pretty packaging.
How do I know this is really you?
How do I know it's really you, Kestrel,
not just some insane, mental nutjob?
Why would you say that?
I'm the Kestrel.
[Melly squawking]
More people are going to die.
We're all gonna die, Kestrel.
Get over it.
Some with a bang, some with a whimper.
Some with a weird wasting disease.
[Melly laughing]
Aw. It really is you.
Gold star, Kestrel. Now tell me something
I don't already bloody know.
You want to catch Katya's killer,
don't you?
Well, get this.
-What's that? Is there anyone else there?
-Negative, sir. Mindhorn works alone.
Listen, big guy, why don't we grab some
face-to-face time and sort this baby out?
-Where you calling from?
-No, it's not safe.
The piggies are listening.
You know the quarry?
-Course I know.
-I'll meet you outside.
-See you there.
-Come alone.
-I always do.
-Which quarry?
-No idea. You get a trace?
-What kind of an outfit is this?
That is a rookie mistake.
You were meant to keep him on the line.
That's not the way
the scene played there.
There's the quarry at Vazon Edge.
That's where we used to do
all our car chases.
That's where he'll be. Go get him, team.
[Richard] Oh, dear.
Someone's not a happy bunny.
I remember him now. It was his wife I used
to play golf with. If you catch my drift.
Hole in one.
Didn't think he knew.
Why do you think
Melly said outside the quarry?
-[cell phone beeps]
[Green] Do you think quarry meant
something different on Mindhorn?
A quarry's a quarry, Green.
I wouldn't overthink these things.
Just gonna go and drain the python.
Then we can have a natter
about the press conference.
[police sirens wailing]
[man] ETA to Vazon Edge quarry
four minutes.
All cars, all cars, the quarry is
the police station. Melly is here. Over.
[man] Roger that. Diverting.
Turn around. Do it now!
[woman] What are you doing?
[man] Move the fucking van, you prick!
Thorncroft's gone.
I repeat, I've lost eyes on Thorncroft.
Thorncroft has gone. Shit.
You got the action shots
through the window.
-Why don't we get something more dramatic?
-Good plan.
[Green] Thorncroft may be in danger.
The suspect was outside the station.
Might be a great backdrop.
I'll be here.
Obviously, I'll pull this in on the day.
Good to go.
Your face has... fallen down.
It's all baggy.
Yeah, do you mind? Uh, we all age.
Use some backlight, soften the focus.
I'm not gonna tell you your job. Jesus.
-[Moncrief] Richie, where are you?
I'm with the photographer,
and he's a bit weird. Where are you?
I'm with the photographer.
Outside the station.
Hey, you must have made
quite an impression.
There's police running about
like headless chickens.
Are you celebrating already. Richie?
Clever Mindhorn.
It's time.
Time for the apocalypse of justice.
[thud, then Richard grunts]
[Richard groaning]
Please, no.
Look into my eyes.
-Can you see the truth?
Did you receive the evidence
I sent to your house?
-Yes, definitely.
-You did?
Then you know I'm innocent!
-Are you on the case?
-Yes, sir.
Yeah. Yeah!
It's pretend, see?
Melly, step away from the actor!
-[Baines] Stay down, Richard!
-See you at the wheel, Mindhorn.
Shoot him. Shoot him in the head!
[taser buzzing, Melly grunting]
My next guest is a celebrated actor
and now an award-winning writer.
[audience applauds]
Richard Thorncroft,
welcome to the show.
So, you finished your book,
which is not only deeply entertaining,
it is also the first actor's autobiography
to be nominated for a Booker Prize.
[audience cheering]
You've embarked on a new production
of Hamlet with Kenneth Branagh.
All after becoming a hero
by making this island safe
for vulnerable women like myself.
-You're welcome.
-Thank you.
[audience applauding]
After the shock of the accident,
all your hair grew back.
Yes, it's a medical phenomenon
known as follicle neogenesis.
And conversely, when I heard
about the accident, all my hair fell out.
Thanks, Ken, but we're talking
about Richard at the moment.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Rich.
No probs, Ken.
[Kenneth] Okay.
May I?
-[crowd] Ooh...
-Fill your boots.
Mm. That's it.
[audience whistling and cheering]
Don't be afraid.
With that audition, he changed the way
that people think about making art.
I think he's become very important.
For me, there is no one else.
-Like Mandela,
Ben Kingsley,
and then there is Richard.
[in deep voice] I am going to give you
the best Manx Day you've ever had.
Of course, the parade is at the heart
of Manx Day, always has been,
always will be, but this...
[EKG beeping]
-Richie, baby.
-Jeffrey Moncrief.
-Good to see you.
Look at you.
The years have treated you well.
You, too.
Ah. Don't lie. I'm a fucking wreck.
-But who cares, eh?
-That's right.
You did it. They got him. You're a hero.
I don't think you can smoke
in hospitals, Jeff.
Since when?
Since the '50s?
-Oh, right. How did it go with Pat?
-Ha, ha. Oh, very well, actually, yeah.
-I think we might just be in there.
-I bet you are.
-Str-- Strictly business.
Good, 'cause when your heroics
hit the front page,
you'll have minge coming out your arse.
Ah, lovely.
You remember these guys?
Nutmeg, the druid detective.
He's blind, he's black and he's back.
They're out on DVD?
Ten grand apiece they got.
And they were shite.
Mindhorn had a metal eye
that could see the truth.
What did Nutmeg have?
Some fucking joss sticks?
This is interesting, Jeff.
Aye, and Pete thinks so, too.
He even wants to release it
through his production company.
Pete Easterman?
The Windjammer himself.
-Ah, mm... This is a bad idea.
Pete and I have a history.
Things have been said.
No, that's all water under the bridge.
Pete insisted you come to his country club
this evening.
He wants to make it happen.
Mindhorn series one to three on DVD.
How do you like those apples?
This is actually a bloody good idea.
[chuckles] I told you.
Lovely. Seven o'clock, Jammers Club.
Lock up your pussy!
-The Wolf Pack is back on the prowl.
-It's a hospital, Jeff.
Keep it down a little bit.
Flange ahoy, Richie.
Flange ahoy.
Yes indeed.
[Pat on TV]
More on that unfolding tragedy later.
Why does the Manx cat have no tail?
Some say they swam ashore
during a shipwreck in the 16th century.
Others say it's a genetic mutation...
[cell phone ringing]
-Hello, you.
-Hello, Richard.
So, you're still at the Heights.
Yes, that's a good guess.
So, I hear they caught Melly.
Yeah. I put him out of action.
That lunatic won't be troubling the women
no more.
[Pat] Quite a story.
[Richard] I like to think so.
Richard Thorncroft does something
for somebody else.
Pow. I walked into that.
Where are you at the moment?
Oh, I'm staying at the Grand.
Well, that's where they've put me up,
anyway, you know. Uh...
For my sins.
It's nice, you know, a little, uh, suite.
One of those little suites.
Sorry. Just slipped on a breakfast tray.
[chuckles] Bloody room service.
Yeah, I mean, who'd have thought, hey,
you and I would have ended up drifting
like two lonely boats on the sea of life?
Just two boats who crossed once before
and are now crossing again
on the return charter,
looking for that safe harbor,
that magical other person,
and sometimes that other person
can be staring you right in the face
-and you never even realized it.
-Hey, Richie.
-Wow. [chuckling]
-It's good to see you.
-So good to see you.
What are you doing in my garden, man?
What are you doing in the garden?
-Well, I live here.
What? What, in the garden?
-No, silly. I live here with Pat.
We've been together
for many, many years now since you left.
-You know that, right?
-Yeah. Yes, I do. That's old news. Joke.
-You're joking with me.
Oh, wow.
So, what are you doing in the garden?
Just, uh, coming to get some fan mail.
I popped round to get fan mail.
-We get that.
-Yeah, so I thought I'd swing by--
So, what's with the flowers?
-I've got a funeral later to do, so...
-That's sad.
-I guess you're at that age now.
-Yeah, sad.
-Anyone I know?
-John Nettles.
-John Nettles? I know John really well.
-Yeah, not--
-No. Not that John Nettles. Another one.
-Okay. That's a relief.
-Come in. My God, come in.
-Pat's gonna love to see you.
Everyone wants to see you.
-It's very nice of you.
-Come on in.
-Can I have the keys to the Range Rover?
-Hey, Jasmine, look who it is.
-It's Mindhorn.
[Richard] Hello.
I used to be this guy's stunt man.
Can you believe it?
Look at him now. Look at this.
What is this you have here?
-Well, that's called living the high life.
-Yeah? Too many biscuits?
-Champagne, you know. Other stuff...
-Too many garibaldis.
Steak and rich cheese.
At least he covers himself up.
Can you put some trousers on?
She's joking. She's very funny.
She has her mother's tongue, you know?
Richard Thorncroft?
[Clive] Yeah, look at him. There he is.
-Yeah, I've heard a lot about you.
-Oh. All of it good, I hope?
[Clive] Oh! Watch out.
[both laughing]
This guy, okay, this guy used to make me
tell everybody he did his own stunts.
-Well, I did a few of my own stunts.
-No, no, you naughty liar.
-That's not lying.
-You never did.
-You never did any, you naughty boy.
-I did some.
-No. He couldn't even drive a car.
-Come on.
[Richard] But now I have passed.
Well, I'd love to stay here and watch you
two verbally sparring, but I have to go.
Mum, are you ready?
Hey, Pat, look what I found
in the garden.
It's a Richard Thorncroft tree.
I cut him down
and brought him in the house.
[Richard & Clive laughing]
-[Richard] Hello.
What are you doing?
You said you were at the Grand.
Oh, I can answer that.
He's, uh, come for some fan mail.
You're getting your fan mail?
Oh. I'm really touched.
Yeah, there's some in the garage.
I'll go and fetch it for you.
Oh! Don't go getting back together.
I'm kidding. Look at him.
-He's so fat now. He's a mess.
[Richard] Oh, he's great.
Clive. Mm.
-You wanna talk about Clive?
-I don't.
No, no. I mean, obviously,
he's a great bloke, lovely bloke.
Uh... Great choice.
Look, I think, uh, I might scoot.
-And we should do that interview, though.
Why don't you, um, pop round to Manx TV
-See you.
-You're going the wrong way.
[Clive] Oh, hey, Richie.
I wanna show you something.
You're gonna like it.
-[Richard] I've gotta get to this funeral.
-No. Hey, look at this. Huh?
-Memories, huh?
-Yes, sir.
You know, when I found her, she was
on the scrap heap. Can you believe that?
She was pretty busted up.
One careless owner.
But then I brought her here, fixed her up,
gave her all the love, care,
and attention she needed
and now she goes like a dream.
Take her out for a ride every single day.
And then I fixed up the car.
I was talking about Pat.
-Not the car.
-Mm-hm. Got it.
-Double meaning type thing. I was--
-Very good.
-...being funny.
But you didn't laugh.
No, I'll laugh later.
That's okay.
[both chuckling]
-Well, thank you for the joke.
-No, no, come get your fan mail.
-It's just through here. Come on.
-Yeah, step into my office.
Uh, wow. I didn't realize the show
was so popular. You get so many letters.
Yeah, over the years
it's acquired a certain cachet.
You want me to call a man with a van?
-Very-- Very witty.
-I did two jokes.
One over there and then one just now.
-I see you're very proud of yourself.
-A little bit.
You know what you are?
You are my stuntman.
That's all you'll ever be.
-Yeah, it's my job, though, so...
-What, to be my stand-in?
I'm a stand-in when people
can't do things physically.
That's when they call me. You know?
I'm at the top of my physical game, sir.
You're hiding it really well these days.
Yeah? Don't make me release the Ginga.
Ginga? You're going to play
giant wooden blocks with me?
Ginga, not Jenga. It's a capoeira term.
It could get messy, sir.
Enjoy reading the fan mail.
Don't read it all at once.
You forgot your flowers.
Oh, sweet.
Hey, baby, I got you some flowers.
-Yeah, you know, just to say good luck
-with the golf and--
-"It's time to get some pussy"?
Well... it's been a while.
-I'm gonna play golf.
-I'm gonna do some gardening.
-It's nice.
[Moncrief] Do you fancy a toot?
I'm gonna say no to that, Jeff,
actually, in public especially
because, uh, I had to give that up
due to adverse chemical reactions.
-[shouts] Let's make some fucking deals.
-Yes, let's do that.
Listen, I might take a lead
when we get in there.
Do the talking.
You could perhaps hang back.
-I'm not going in.
-You're not going in?
-No, I'm barred.
-You didn't mention that either.
-It's a long story.
-Okay, Jeff.
-I'll see you after.
-See you later.
-Still got some stuff--
-Right. Ahem.
[woman] Hello, sir.
[jazz music playing over speakers]
-[man 1] You like--?
-[man 2] Yes...
[chuckles] What a twat.
Richard Horncroft.
The beast-man.
Be careful, ladies.
This guy is a real live wire.
-Dangerous to know.
[mimics shooting bow and arrow]
-[Richard chuckles]
What you been doing?
Where you been hiding?
Inside a busy schedule.
-Mm. Ha, ha.
-How am I looking?
-You're looking good.
Yeah, I know.
So, a little dick bird tells me you've got
an idea floating around in the old bonsai.
Mm, I certainly do. The heat I'm about to
generate off the back of the police thing
I think could be funneled through
into a DVD release.
-That's where you come in.
-That's a sweet angle.
I think so, too. So, what do you think?
Are we in business on this?
I say yeah, let's do it, let's sign.
All right.
[Peter] Thanks, Coco.
Pete, I like the way you do business.
We're heading back to the big time.
[Richard] There you are.
Before we, uh, seal this puppy
is there anything else
you wanna run by me?
No. I think we're good to go, yeah?
I mean, nothing
that you might have said, uh, publicly?
You called me a stinking ham, on Wogan,
with the emotional range of a chair leg.
Did I say that?
Gotta say, you've got brass balls
coming in here. I'll give you that.
Okay, look, I just wanted to come here
with an opportunity,
-something for you to get involved in.
-In your pathetic career?
You've gone too far.
I've got plenty of offers
all over this island.
-I don't need to go to you.
-I'm sure you're inundated with requests
for the greatest actor of his generation.
When you're the head
of a busy multinational corporation,
you don't have time to exercise.
But with Tumpers,
the man girdle system for men,
you don't have to waste time
on your waistline.
Tumpers man girdle tightens the waist,
removing unsightly side, back,
and tummy bulge.
[all laughing]
-Yeah? Something funny?
-[Peter] You're finished.
You fucked off to Hollywood 25 years ago
'cause some L.A. windbag said
you were gonna be the next Burt Reynolds.
Ehh. You gambled and you lost.
You lost at life.
-You're living in a dream world.
-[Richard] In a dream world?
Sorry, that's funny,
because this is a dream world.
You're living in a plastic palace.
None of this is real. This is not real.
That's real, but this is not real.
It's full of sycophants and prostitutes.
[women gasp]
You're a joke, Richard.
Pat never charged me.
That one was on the house.
[shouting and grunting]
[woman screams]
[Richard] Shit! Sorry.
-Sorry. I was not aiming for you.
-Someone get Richard a skinny green.
-[man 1] She all right?
-Shove it up your ass.
[man 2] Somebody call the police.
[Richard] Get that cocaine.
And he's made one of the biggest mistakes
of his professional career.
[Moncrief] That's right.
That's it, Richie. Get it down you.
I love you.
[both laughing]
Do you remember this?
And action!
Mindhorn is back.
[rock music playing over speakers]
Up yours! This island is a shithole!
That was a classic night, Jeff.
Can I get you an Alka-Seltzer?
Oh, shit.
If you ever set foot on this island again,
you're going to jail.
-Is this about your wife?
We've never forgotten what you said
about the Isle of Man on Wogan.
You said that we had a limited gene pool.
Well, you do.
And you have nothing on me because...
You're joking, aren't you?
I could bang you up
just for the vandalism alone.
What vandalism?
On this side we have a penis here,
as you can see, the scrotum.
In Holland we call this the acorn.
Got breasts here,
phallus, this time with the sputum.
I don't know what this is.
-That's an anus.
-I think it's a titty.
-[Baines] All right, Richard.
You just wait here and I will get the car.
-[Clive] Oh, hey, Rich.
Hey, settle an argument.
What is this here? Is it an anus?
I don't know what that is.
It's got nothing to do with me.
You signed it, you moron.
Well, I can speak English.
Now he's racist, so write this down.
You know,
I nearly believed you for a minute.
Look, I came here to help the police
and just things... went a bit wrong.
You came back
to get some publicity from the murder.
-That's not why I came back.
-Stop lying to yourself, Richard.
And you're not lying to yourself?
Serious journalism?
Manx cats with no tails?
Pat, you used to be an artist.
I was a piece of totty in a shit TV show.
Mindhorn was not a shit TV show.
Hey, Richie.
You keep leaving things at the house.
Your jacket, Pat, your dignity.
You think you've got it all,
don't you, Clive?
You've got it all sewn up.
What you've got is a domestic prison.
Better than a real prison.
You've got your little wife,
little daughter.
I've got freedom on my side.
-I go where the wind takes me.
-Jasmine isn't mine.
-Jasmine isn't mine.
-Pat never told you?
-Pat didn't tell me what?
-What about Jasmine?
[Baines] Richard!
[car horn honks]
[Clive] Yeah, bye, Richard.
Nice to see you.
-He's a very confused man.
-Yeah, tell me about it.
He didn't even know about Jasmine.
-Your daughter?
-No, she's not my daughter.
I've had the, uh, snip.
No, she's, uh...
Peter Easterman's daughter.
-You had the snip, Green?
Something to think about.
[EKG beeping]
[Richard] Well, we got our man.
Hopefully that makes up for
the graffiti, and, uh...
Well, who knows,
maybe under different circumstances--
[Baines] Yeah, thanks, bye.
[Sarah on recording] Richard, hi.
I think you're going through
another transitional phase.
From unemployed actor
to unemployable actor.
I'm gonna have to let you go.
I've left your head shots in reception.
When you collect them, don't come up.
-[man] Are you finished?
-The newspaper?
-Oh, yeah.
[woman on pa] Would foot passengers
awaiting the 2:15 departure to Liverpool
now kindly make their way
to the ferry terminal.
[Melly] Clue number one.
The killer is a secret baldie.
Clue number two.
A videotape of the actual killing.
[Pat on TV]
Breaking news at the Laxey Wheel.
Suspected murderer Paul Melly
has escaped from Greenborough Hospital
and taken himself hostage.
The public are warned
not to approach Melly,
as he is both armed and dangerous.
Get me Mindhorn!
[Moncrief] Mindhorn's coming back.
-Hey, Richie.
-What happened to you last night?
-Play this.
-Oh, right.
-Melly sent it to me.
Well, he sent it to Mindhorn.
Hello, Mindhorn.
Kestrel here, reporting for duty.
This is going to be
an apocalypse of justice
for the bald man who really did
do the murder of Miss Lipinskii.
He-- He pushed her
and he strangled her.
[Katya screams on tape]
And another man helped him
with the body.
[Richard] Who is that?
They didn't catch me, though,
because I hid in the bushes.
He had these posh shoes,
posh shoes with cats on them.
All right, see you soon, Mindhorn.
Melly's innocent. He's innocent.
-Give me the tape.
-Why? What you gonna do with it?
I'm gonna take it to the chief,
shove it up his ass and press play.
No, no, no. I've got a better idea.
The man on this tape
might pay some real money for this.
What, blackmail?
-This is low even for you, Jeff.
-Surely things aren't that bad.
-Of course they fucking are.
Look at me. I live in a caravan.
-This is your office, Jeff.
-I don't have a fucking office.
-What about your secretary?
-That is my secretary.
Twenty-five years I've been here,
-since you, arsehole, walked out on me.
-There comes a time in an actor's life
when he has to move away
from the small screen.
I used to have money.
I used to get your cast-offs.
I was like a pig in shite!
And then you waltzed off to the big time.
-I live in a flat in Walthamstow.
-Oh, he lives in a flat!
Well, what about me?
I want what is due to me.
I want a Bentley convertible.
I want a trophy wife!
I want a fucking infinity pool.
Jeff, it's-- It's okay.
It's not as bad as you think, okay?
Things aren't that bad.
There's a silver lining to every cloud.
Oh, no, you don't, you sneaky bastard.
Not this time. You owe me.
We need to take a step back here, Jeff.
A mentally fragile young man
is calling for my help.
-Yesterday you said he was a retard.
-Maybe I've seen a few things since then.
-Maybe my eyes have been opened.
-What are you talking about?
I'm a father, Jeff.
I've sired a daughter, with Pat.
What, Jasmine?
You idiot.
She could have been anyone's
the way Pat put it about after you left.
-You take that back.
-Aye, I'm sorry.
You take a long, hard look
at yourself, Jeff.
[Moncrief] I'm sorry.
I'm not thinking straight.
-Give me the tape.
You're doing the right thing.
Truth time.
[narrator] Bruce Mindhorn became
the best plainclothes detective
the Isle of Man had ever seen.
Out the way! Coming-- Coming through!
Oh, God, no.
[panting] Jasmine, I'm sorry.
What for?
[gasps] Everything.
You know about me and your mother
and who I am.
Yes, yes, sadly I do.
I want you to know I'm proud of you.
-Jas-- Can I call you Jas?
I want us to get to know each other
really well, yeah?
This is weird.
I wanna give you my number.
I want us to set up regular phone calls.
-That's never gonna happen.
-Okay, we'll go at your pace.
But watch the news, Jasmine,
because you're gonna see your daddy
blow the lid off this island!
[Moncrief] So, to sum up,
do we have a deal, then?
I don't take very kindly to blackmail.
All right, keep your wig on.
Okay, I'll see you there.
-So, the simpleton was filming us?
-Yeah, it looks like it.
I'm starting to think framing Melly
was a really bad idea.
Get me Mindhorn!
Do you have a statement to make
about the situation?
The Isle of Man is still
one of the safest and most tranquil
tourist destinations in the world.
-[Melly] Get me Mindhorn!
-Mindhorn's here!
I've got this, chief. Stand your men down.
Is this the camera?
This man is innocent!
This tape will be the proof of my word.
Might wanna swing a lens, go wide.
Richard, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
Trust me.
Get one of your boffins to play this.
It shows that Melly's innocent.
How do I look?
Like you might need some help.
Too late. I work alone.
I'm coming, Melly!
Detective Mindhorn's on the case!
[Melly] Mindhorn!
Shit. Jesus.
Oh, God.
Hi, Mindhorn.
Mindhorn... is this still
Operation Apocalypse of Justice?
I know you're innocent.
I've seen the tape.
This man is innocent! Play the tape!
We'll play the tape at the station.
No, no, I'm not going down the station.
-Play the tape now. Play it now.
-Okay-- Okay. Whoa.
-He's serious, Patricia, and so am I.
Okay, people, get ready to witness
some truth bombs.
You know how to do it, don't you?
-I'm gonna shit the truth out, bang.
-This is the wrong tape.
-My name is Bruce Mindhorn.
He swapped the... Okay.
Jeffrey Moncrief, who I will kill,
has got the real tape.
It's in-- It's in the caravan.
We have to go to the caravan.
We'll do that when you both come down.
-Richard, is Melly armed?
-No, no, no. Negative.
No, I have got a gun.
-This is not a gun. It's not real.
-[Melly] Yeah, it is real.
-[Richard] It's not real.
-[Melly] It is real.
-It's not. It's a toy.
-It's not a toy.
-[gunshot, then all shouting]
-See? I told you.
-That's a green light. Shoot.
-Go, man.
-[Melly] Go.
-[Richard] Okay.
-This way.
-This is not the way to go!
Call Equity!
-[Peter] What's the hoo-hah?
-[woman] Thorncroft's gone insane.
This is terrible.
Wait. Did he sign that DVD thing?
-In which case it's fantastic.
-Stop shooting! I haven't done anything!
-[Melly squawking]
Stop making that stupid bird noise!
[man] Stop there!
-They're heading into the mine.
Stop right there!
[Melly squawks]
They've gone again, chief. For now.
DS Baines.
Clever boy.
You're coming with me.
All I want to know
is who else has seen this tape?
Oh, no, no, no. I can't reveal my sources.
It was Richard Thorncroft.
This whole thing was his idea.
And possibly Pat Deville.
Pat Deville?
[Moncrief] He picked it up from her house.
How about 30 grand?
[chuckles] Jeffrey.
The last person
who tried to blackmail me...
is on this tape.
Only I haven't had a torrid affair
with you, Jeff.
Let's call it 50 quid
and everybody's happy, eh?
Great. This isn't the Bronx.
This is the Isle of Man!
[sirens wailing]
You okay, Mindhorn?
[panting] Oh, God. I'm gonna be sick.
Come on, this way.
To safety.
-Where are we going?
-The nest!
It's lucky you're special forces.
[grunts, then yelps]
How much further?
-[Melly] It's just here.
-[panting, then yelps]
-[Richard] What's this?
-We've got to jump.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, let's just jump off a cliff!
-Yeah. You first.
[Richard screaming]
[water splashing]
It now seems certain
the actor Richard Thorncroft,
who disappeared two days ago, is dead.
Thorncroft is the chief suspect
in the murder
of Mindhorn PR guru Jeffrey Moncrief.
It is now accepted
that Thorncroft could be suffering
a severe mental breakdown
after a long career lull
since the hit show ended.
Even a short walk
can take its toll on the lower legs.
That's why I use Thrombi-Sox.
Jeffrey Moncrief, who I will kill...
You can never say that it's a good thing
when someone is dead,
but maybe with Richard
this has been for the best.
I keep expecting him
to walk through the door and, uh, say:
"Hey, Pete, old buddy,
how are the DVD sales going?"
Because, of course, you know,
Mindhorn is finally released today on DVD.
Um, could you stop filming now?
I think I might be about to cry.
[man] Thorncroft's excursion into
the recording studio
yielded this album from 1990.
His signature tune,
"Can't Handcuff the Wind,"
reached number one
in several East European countries.
["Can't Handcuff the Wind"
playing over speakers]
You can't handcuff the wind
And if you try, you're gonna fail
You're gonna love this.
I've made you look
exactly how you used to.
[woman on TV] You're crazy!
It's perfect.
I can't move.
-I glued you into your clothes.
There's three rolls of masking tape
around your neck.
You glued me into my clothes?
Your hair came off in the sea.
But it's okay,
'cause I stuck it back on...
-I can't breathe.
-...with superglue.
So, it will never come off again.
Good, innit?
And your eye patch.
Where are we?
We are in an underground lair. The nest.
And this is where we complete
Operation Apocalypse of Justice.
Right. First, we need a penknife.
And this recorder belt. Ha!
[Melly on recording]
Recorder belt. Ha!
[laughs] Fake blood
for fooling the baddies, and...
pretend gun.
'Cause I'm your partner
and we're working on a case.
-And it's a good case, isn't it, Mindhorn?
-Yeah, it's a really good case.
Yeah, just one small problem is
I'm not Mindhorn.
There is no Mindhorn. Mindhorn isn't real.
He-- He-- He is real.
-Uh... Truth powder.
-That is merchandise, okay?
Do you know what merchandise is?
Cheap rubbish we sell to idiots, yeah?
And by the way, that nearly blinded
four teenagers in Whitby in 1989.
-Had to be taken off the market.
-Did it?
Mindhorn is a fictional character
in a TV show I did
a quarter of a century ago.
What's a fictional character?
I'm an actor. Well, I used to be.
Now I just advertise orthopedic socks.
And I don't even do that now,
'cause John Nettles got the gig!
I don't-- I don't understand.
You don't understand?
Let me clear things up.
Your parents carked it,
you lost your marbles,
you got fixated with me
in some weird, creepy way
which I don't wanna get into.
You think I'm here to rescue you.
That's not gonna happen.
I'm a self-obsessed arsehole.
Does that clear things up?
Paul Melly, wanted in connection
with the murder of Katya Lipinskii,
is also presumed dead.
Melly, 32, is believed
to have a mental age of nine.
-Who's gonna clear my name?
There's no evidence.
We had a tape. The tape's gone. It's over.
Both of them?
Both of them?
What do you mean, "both of them"?
Yeah, I made a copy of the tape.
You taught me that.
Always make a copy.
Well, Mindhorn did.
Only you're not-- You're not Mindhorn.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I am Mindhorn.
-What? But you said--
-No, you passed the test.
Kestrel, well done.
-Did I?
-You made promotion, partner.
From now on,
you shall be known as the Falcon.
No, I prefer Kestrel.
Kestrel's fine, too. Where's the tape?
I made a copy of the tape and put it
in your car at Mindhorn Heights.
Now I'm gonna pack the bag
for the finale when we kill the baddies.
Okay, sounds like a plan, partner.
I'm gonna head off.
-I'll give you a signal when I need you.
-What's the signal?
-Uh... You'll know when you hear it.
-I need to hear it now.
-Good. Okay.
Take this. Make sure you wear it.
-What is that?
-It's the recorder belt.
Recorder belt, okay.
Strapping that on now, Kestrel.
And this.
Roger that. Weird plastic radio. Got it.
-Uh... Does this work?
-It does work, actually, FYI.
-Oh, right.
Who are you calling?
The only person we can trust.
-Richard. Wow.
-Don't ask.
-Thank God you're alive. Where's Melly?
In a cave. He made a copy of the tape
and he's hidden it at Pat's.
Whereabouts at Pat's?
In the garage. In the glove compartment
of the Mindhorn car.
[Baines] Mm-hm.
-What have you got the gun for?
-You know too much, Richard.
I don't know anything.
I'm actually quite confused.
You know that I killed Moncrief, right?
I did not know that.
Well, you do now.
Uh, not a problem. I can blank it out.
I have that capacity. I--
I've blanked out huge chapters of my life.
This is just one more thing.
Sorry, Richard. Final curtain.
[Melly squawks]
Truth powder.
[grunts, then shouts]
-Quick, the gun.
-What is that?
Come on.
[Baines coughing]
-[Baines] Jesus Christ!
-[Richard] Bike!
She's left the keys in the bike.
-Why did you do that?
We could have used the bike
to get away, you stupid berk.
[Baines coughing]
[cell phone buzzing]
-[Baines over phone] Hi, Pat.
Yeah, it's DS Baines here.
I just thought I should tell you
that Richard is alive.
He's alive?
Alive, yeah, yeah. Great-- Great news.
Mixed bag, though.
He is delusional.
Oh, God, he's seriously ill, isn't he?
He is. He's on his way to you now.
He thinks he's in an old episode
of Mindhorn.
And I just need you
to keep him there and I will--
I will come to you, okay?
So, just wait there.
Where's the car?
No! Where is it?
Where's the bloody car?!
It should be here!
It should be--!
[whimpering, then laughing]
Are you okay?
No. I'm having a really bad day.
-Where's my car?
-Why don't you just--?
Just come-- Come and sit down.
Can't sit down. I'm glued in.
Just calm down and--
Baines is trying to kill me.
She's corrupt.
There's a bald man.
He's-- He's got cats on his shoes.
I've seen them. Not real cats. False cats.
Tiny false cats on his shoes.
Richard, none of this is real.
It's all real!
It's come real.
Where's my car? Where's it gone?
The car?
Uh, Clive is bringing the car.
He's bringing the car.
It'll be here in a few minutes.
-Now, just calm down and talk to me.
They're coming. I can't wait here.
Let's talk about-- About us.
Us? There is no us.
I blew it. I walked out on the only thing
that ever meant anything to me. You.
Since I left you,
my life has been really quite bad.
Richard, it's all right. It's all right.
Leaving you was the biggest mistake
of my life.
[Melly squawking]
What is that?
I'm so sorry.
[Clive laughing] Yes.
So, he's not dead.
He just fell asleep on the sunbed.
Put down the gardening equipment, Clive.
Get out of my house before I strim
that stupid fucking wig off.
Where's my car?!
Don't tell him, Clive.
Pete took it for the parade.
What's going on?
Stay away from him, Jasmine.
His brain's come loose.
Whatever happens next,
I want you to remember two things.
One, I'm innocent.
And two, Daddy loves you.
[Richard grunting]
Oh, shit. Oh, no. Dear.
These are nothing to do with me.
Oh, Richard. Dirty, dirty Richard.
You're pathetic.
These aren't mine.
What are all these?
They're from my, uh, pen pal
in, uh, France.
[Pat] These are all from Richard.
I was trying to protect you, Pat.
The man is poison.
I'm going to work.
[Richard] There she blows.
[Melly] And a load of fake Mindhorns.
I really do think this could be
the best Manx Day we've ever had.
Sorry I'm late.
Better late than never, Pat.
I'll be making my speech
slightly later than scheduled.
I've provided copies for you all.
They're on the table in the entrance hall.
Thanks, everyone.
Go enjoy the madness.
[chuckles] All right?
Okay, thanks.
Pat, could I have a word?
-[man 1] I'll see you back at the office.
-[man 2] At the office. Yeah.
All right.
-Nice to meet you actually.
-Yeah. I must give you my card.
Pat, Pat, Pat.
You know, don't you?
I'm in a bit of a pickle, aren't I?
I mean, you're a journalist.
You're not gonna keep it to yourself,
are you? Something this big?
How can I let you leave this room?
I absolutely cannot have people
finding out that I'm bald.
I think bald men are sexy.
Yeah, I think you're right.
[cell phone buzzing] Oh.
I'll have to take this.
[Baines] The tape's at the parade.
I'm going after them.
She knows.
Welcome, one and all,
to the Manx Day parade.
We're gonna have some great fun.
Thank you.
I wonder who's gonna win
today's Float of the Year competition.
Could it be the really big spider?
Or the two massive papier-mch heads?
Or perhaps the crazy caterpillar?
Runner-up last year.
Fingers crossed
for no more trapped ankles.
And there's Trevor
in his intergalactic mobility scooter.
The Windjammer float there.
Always good fun.
It's the most successful TV program
ever made on the Isle of Man.
Oh, and, look, it's the villain.
But Windjammer disarms him
and saves the day.
Super stuff.
-New this year, the Mindhorn contingent.
-Oh, look!
Remember Mindhorn, folks?
Mindhorn, of course,
originally played by, um...
Oh, and who's this?
Another Mindhorn and a crazy person.
A sort of chicken man.
I don't remember the episode
"Mindhorn and the Chicken Man."
But, uh, what's Mindhorn doing now?
No doubt finding some crucial piece
of evidence to uncover the truth.
And here comes the baddie.
Oh, no.
[grunts, then crowd cheering]
Oh-ho-ho. Wonderful look-a-like there.
Doesn't she look like Manx TV's
very own Pat Deville?
[engine revving]
Go, go, go!
I can't make it go.
I knew you hadn't passed your test,
you naughty liar.
You can take my woman,
but you can't take my fucking car.
-Can't make it go!
-The handbrake's on.
[Richard] Where's the handbrake?
-It's over there.
-You're like a Formula champion.
Oh, shit!
[crowd groans]
[man] Fantastic!
Full marks to the stuntman.
I wasn't ready.
-I can't actually drive.
-Get out.
I never learnt.
-[Pat] Oh, shut up!
-[Richard] I never had to.
I was driven everywhere,
I didn't have to bother.
Hi. Yep, hello.
And here's the baddie retrieving her gun.
-[Pat] Get in the car!
[man] Classic!
And now the nail-biting finale.
Oh, bad luck, baddie, and that's Mindhorn.
Winner of the day in my view.
Great stuff.
We're flying to the truth!
[Melly squawking]
[Richard] What are we doing?
It's a dead end.
Where are we?
This is your cove, Mindhorn.
-Where do we go from here?
Well, the tunnels.
-Melly, come on, come on.
[Pat] What's wrong?
That was-- That was great, wasn't it?
You've been shot.
[Richard] You're bleeding.
No, no, no, don't worry.
It's fake blood.
Oh, no, that's there.
We have to get you some help.
I'm dying, Mindhorn.
No. No, you're not.
This is the end.
-Go on without me. Leave me here.
I'm not leaving you.
Because I'm a good partner?
You're the best damn partner
a man could ask for, Kestrel.
Your parents would be proud of you.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks, Mindhorn.
It's been an honor to be your partner.
Well, it's the best 15 minutes of my life.
Here's the copy of the tape.
Now go.
Promise me...
you'll clear my name, Mindhorn.
I promise.
And promise me...
you two will finally get it together.
I'm sorry, I can't promise you that.
I mean... yes.
Give him a kiss, Angela.
One last thing, Mindhorn.
Tell me the truth
about Richard Thorncroft.
Who is he?
Let's just say
he's someone I used to know.
Right. That's...
You poor, deluded fool.
I am Richard Thorncroft.
At least he didn't die in vain.
What the hell is this?
Yep. It's Plasticine.
Yep. It's a Plasticine copy.
It's Plasticine.
[Richard on recording]
It's time for the Apocalypse of Justice.
[rocks clattering]
Baines, don't shoot.
We've got the tape.
Richard has it. It's safe.
I'll take you to him.
Maybe we could strike a deal.
-I don't wanna see the mayor go down.
-Pat, is that the best you can do?
I thought you were a good actress.
[Richard] She's good enough.
Lose the piece.
Turn around.
Hands in the air.
Now who's holding all the aces?
[Richard shouts]
Me, I think.
-You idiot!
-I didn't know she was gonna do that.
Patricia, Patricia.
I'm so sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I never knew
you wrote me all those letters.
Shh. That doesn't matter now.
Clive hid them from me.
What a wanker.
I'm sorry that I never believed you.
I'm sorry.
I love you, Richard.
Fucking hell.
Where's the tape, Richard?
There is no tape.
It's fake.
Like everything else in my life!
Without her, I may as well be dead.
[Richard groaning]
Just a figure of speech.
The mayor's my uncle...
so I've gotta clean up his mess.
Family's family.
My family runs Man.
Call an ambulance.
It's not too late.
I can forget.
-What, that I killed Moncrief?
-Yeah, that.
I-- I can pretend I don't know that.
I can pretend.
-You're not that good an actor.
-[Richard grunts]
[man] Baines!
You all right?
He shot Pat!
He killed her
and then he tried to kill me and I, uh...
[sirens wailing]
I had to take him down!
I had to take him down!
There was nothing I could do. It was--
There was nothing I could do.
Nice working with you again.
What's going on, Thorncroft?
[Baines on recording]
The mayor's my uncle,
so I've gotta clean up his mess.
-[Richard] I can forget.
-[Baines]That I killed Moncrief?
-You're not that good an actor.
Aren't I?
-[Clive] Oh, hey, now.
-[Jasmine] Mom.
-[Clive] Hey, hey. Not cool.
-[Pat] Jasmine.
-Both sets of keys, give them to me.
-Think about what you're doing.
Keys now. Do it or I'll blow her away.
Get your filthy hands off my daughter.
[laughing] She's not your daughter.
She's Windjammer's daughter.
[Pat] Clive, do something.
-I'm not wearing the appropriate footwear.
-Stand down, Clive.
It's time I did my own stunts.
It's Ginga time.
is the Ginga.
[gun shots]
[gun shots continue]
I'm moving between the air.
I'm here.
I'm the bringer of the Ginga!
And that's capoeira.
The mayor was her uncle.
Seems I was right
about the limited gene pool.
[both laughing]
I am sorry
that I rode you so hard back then.
I hope we can put our differences
behind us.
I will if you will.
And, if it helps at all,
I was pretty wasted all those years ago.
I don't even remember
that night with your wife.
-What night with my wife?
-That's the spirit.
Oh, my God, Richard, that was so brave.
It's a miracle that you weren't shot.
Ah, no more lies. I have to be honest.
I knew there were blanks in that gun.
Um... No, no, this is Baines' gun.
That was live ammunition.
[Pat] Richard.
I've got you.
You've got me, all right.
And that is the truth.
["Can't Handcuff the Wind" playing]
We had some fun together
But I never
I never promised you forever
No, no, no
You can't handcuff the wind
But if you try, you're gonna fail
It's like trying
To put thunder in jail
You can't handcuff the wind
But if you try, you're gonna fail
It's like trying
To put thunder in jail
You can't handcuff the wind
I feel the pull of the open road
I'm headin' out into the night
Gotta loosen up your grip, girl
You're holding on a little too tight
We roll the dice
We played the game
Now every card's been turned
Girl, if you're trying to hold onto fire
You're gonna get burned
You can't handcuff the wind
And if you try, you're gonna fail
It's like tryin'
To put thunder in jail
You can't handcuff the wind
And if you're trying to fence me in
I'll break down those fences
And run like a stallion in the night
I'm gonna burn so bright
Like a white hot flame
Till everybody knows my name
The open road, she calls my name
There's itching in my feet
I got an engine that you can't tame
Even with your mouth so sweet
A thousand kisses and sad goodbyes
But it's too late for any more
The ferry to the mainland
Leaves at six
I gotta be there 20 minutes before
You can't handcuff the wind
And if you try, you're gonna fail
It's like trying
To put thunder in jail
You can't handcuff the wind