Mis (1981) Movie Script
More, more...
More, more...
That's all right!
- Bacuga, push!
- Yes, sir! Captain, sir!
- Loosen the southern line!
- Yes, sir!
Quickly make a queue. There has to be
some life in the district!
lt's Pike here!
To everybody! To everybody!
We throw the net.
We can start.
TEDDY BEAR
Cast
Damn!
- What's up!?
- Nothing, Director.
The eye fell off, of this bear!
Could you give me two bears.
The Tankman and the other in a hat.
Don't you see l'm eating?
Screenplay
Music
Photos
Directed by
l'm sorry for disturbing you.
No, you aren't disturbing at all.
- Are the bears packed?
- Yes.
- How many got inside?
- As usual.
Yesterday l passed through here,
but there were no houses.
Really?
And if there was an old lady
going to the old people's home,
and this house hadn't been here
yesterday but today it was here?
You would run over this
old lady, yes?
And if it was your mother!
How could l run over my mother,
if she's sitting at the back of my car?
Hello, it's Birch!
l can't hear you!
l repeat, he said
his mother's sitting at the back...
Mother's sitting
at the back of his car!
Do not panic.
Some better con man.
He's driving his mother,
an old lady, just to frame us!
This only shows us that we constantly
have to face new challenges.
And that's first.
Second, we must have
different options ready.
And that's second.
And that's why l suggest
the following:
What if suddenly there was
a kindergarten. ln the future!
What if suddenly there was
a kindergarten. ln the future...
...and your little son was crossing...
...in the future.
What if suddenly there was
a kindergarten. ln the future...
...and your little son was crossing
in the future
the son you don't even have yet,
so don't tell me...
...that he's sitting at the back!
You're going to the capital
of a capitalist country.
This country maybe even has
some advantages of its kind.
But the thing is that these advantages
shouldn't outshine the disadvantages.
So traditionally, gentlemen
to the right, ladies to the left.
So many people here...
So, what a residential area is?
What?
Residential area,
it's minimum 3 building
in a distance no bigger
than 15m one from another.
3 right, in a distance no more then
15m, right!
Here we have 14m. Take it and measure
if you don't trust the Militia!
He believes in everything.
God has punished me
with such a stupid guy!
3 not 2.
Unless that one over there
we should consider a building too.
115!
- lt should be 119, 4 kg are missing.
- l lost 4 kilos recently.
So you bring to the country
4 kg less of a citizen.
lf everyone returned with few kilos
less. lt would be less and less of us!
- Less of Poles!
- So what should l do?
60 zlotys for each missing kilo.
Your education?
- l graduated from university.
- ln this case it's 75 zlotys.
EACH ClTlZEN WlTH HlGHER EDUCATlON
lS THE TREASURE OF THE SOClETY
Here the passports.
- The citizen Ochodzki Ryszard...
- Yes? That's me.
Follow me, please.
What is it? Who did it?
- l...!
- You did it?
l'm asking who did it?
l'm asking!
Well, l...
- What is it?
- A passport...
Passport!?
lt was a passport! lt was!
Bring my suitcase.
You're going on your own!
Coach, you're responsible for
the match, for everything!
- But what has happened?
- Everything is ok.
Give it to me!
Call the Council of Ministers,
tell them l'm coming.
- How come they turned him back?
- So you don't know anything?
He's supposed to be a minister.
They called just after the match.
- And how do you know about it?
- l picked up the phone.
There wasn't anybody here,
he was out,
probably they were trying to convince
him to be a minister.
He would be stupid if he accepted.
Are we hard on him here?
Where will he be better?
He took his part for Marciniak.
But Marciniak was complaining
that they ripped him off.
Didn't rip him off, this is the rate!
And Marciniak isn't a child.
300 000 and an apartment.
They don't owe him more.
The president didn't pay me 500 zlotys
for the locker l transported for him.
And what about us?! He owes us
for this glass that he broke!
l told him
that a glass costs 4 zlotys,
and he replied: ''Right, right''
and hasn't paid.
- Bear!
- Bear, Bear! Boar not bear!
He doesn't have 500 zlotys for me
and himself, he shits with cash!
l want to say that our President runs
all the calculations conscientiously,
very conscientiously.
lf only something...
...he owes to someone,
he gives back immediately...
He never owes anything to anybody.
He keeps these things in order.
He runs the club well...
Good morning, Bear!
l dropped in only
for a second, just for my furniture.
l hope l don't bother.
Let me... introduce to you...
- Would you like something to drink?
- No, thank you.
But if you don't mind,
l'd gladly drink something.
Careful, gentlemen, careful!
- lt's two of us. We'll not manage.
- lt's three of you, isn't it?
Bear, let me introduce to you again,
this is precisely Wladek.
l'm very sorry!
Truly, really sorry!
Please, Mr Minister,
take a seat.
Forget this minister... old times.
- What's your name?
- Rysio!
Richard...
All Richards are decent guys.
lt's a pity you had to split up.
But on the other hand...
This painting by Kossak...
This Kossak...
- And this Buddha.
- Wait a moment. What Buddha?
My Dear, l'd love to
put this Kossak to the bedroom
and this Buddha to your study.
- Wait, wait...
l really like you very much, chap.
You have to come to us once.
Just give us a call before
to be sure we are at home.
This is pretty too.
And how did you know,
that l'd be here...
You knew l was leaving,
didn't you?
We were passing by and simply
decided to pop in.
How come?
Together with carriers?
Yes, we were passing with carriers.
l really like you, chap.
Mister is saying...
That we can both use
ourjoint account.
ll'm asking who did!
l'm asking!
What is it?!
Sir, sir! l'd like to withdraw
all the money from our account!
Here you have.
''Hey, young blade,
Forget your sorrows and fears.
Maybe in 30 years on this sand,
A route long, straight and clear
Will lead.
lt will be as wide as the sea
And Lazienki Route called it'll be.''
There's something l don't understand,
why ''maybe''?
- ''Maybe'' because he doesn't know yet.
- Why he doesn't know? How come?
lmagine, brother!
Young man, a boy, yes?
On a bank of the river in Warsaw,
his friends around are working.
- Can you see that?
- Yes, now l can see it!
You see!
And he also starts to see it...
...slowly he can see the route!
Brother, he can see it
in his dreams!
And l'd give here G sharp!
- From G sharp?
- G sharp like guitar.
lnstead these words ''maybe''
Let's give ''for sure''.
Attention!
Hey, young blade,
Forget your sorrows and fears.
ln 30 years on this sand, for sure!
A route long, straight and clear
Will lead.
lt will be as wide as the sea
And Lazienki Route called it'll be.
lt will link two banks together,
Where your father at wartime fell.
Bravo!
You sang it so beautifully,
Mr Cwynar.
l will always do it for you, always!
- You see!
- You're right.
- l told you.
- You've convinced me. Hold it.
lt will link two banks together,
Where your father at wartime fell!
Yes?
May l?
Hello, Rysio. What's up?
- l thought you wouldn't come.
- Why?
l got off the train earlier cause
in the centre there are controls.
What can we do?
- lt's tough...
- A year, minimum a year!
That's a case...
That's it... A year...
These broads, come on.
Just take and tear out.
- But what could be done? Nothing.
- Nothing.
Although... Such a thought
has come to my mind.
No! Forget about it! Listen!
We will stop at the harbour
Of my heart.
The harbour full of tenderness
And emotions.
And then: ''l don't need
to tear out of your passport...''
Any pages to keep you with me!
...tear out of your passport
Any pages to keep you with me!
To keep you with me!
l don't need to tear out!
Have you heard?
He was trying to persuade someone,
that his aunt will come from London
and will bring the money.
- He was lying!
He also lies you saw,
in his documents to get a passport.
Family abroad: ''l don't have''.
But he has an aunt.
ln London and London is abroad.
He has money in the bank in London.
Roczniak told me.
Bear tells me to call him
and he talks rubbish to me like:
''Ah, auntie from London
is calling me'' and he's surprised.
- Such crap! His aunt...
- He doesn't have any aunt!
His entire life he is full of shit.
Gentlemen, what is it?
- lt was to be taken down 3 days ago!
- lt will be taken down.
We're finishing breakfast
and we start, Mr Director.
Eat your breakfast at home,
the director is giving me a hard time!
- Decoration isn't ready...
- Who is it?
- Production Manager, Hochwander.
- Came with a woman and is showing off!
Finish Wladek so we can start!
Hey!
Our star. Ola, introduce yourself.
- Aleksandra Kozel.
- Ochodzki... Ryszard.
Nice to meet you.
Well...
How's everything, Rysio?
So, so...
Ola, go and see
what do they serve today for lunch.
- A very decent girl.
- Never mind! What can we do...
Seriously, l'd like very much
to help her organize her life.
- So?
- Janek...
You know how it was. We had war!
5 years of war,
5 years of occupation...
l made 28 films about it,
l'm making the 29th.
So even from the films you know,
how it was. lt was tough.
And how was it before the war?
Wild capitalism.
l made18 films about it.
What about this brother?
- Where is he?
- Nowhere!
He exists only for this
aunt of mine.
She's very rich, 79 years old,
lives in London.
Enough?
My parents sent her a photo,
slightly exaggerated.
lt was two of us in this photo.
l was pretending to be twins.
And auntie used to send 50 for each
one of us. Together 100!
For her 50 or 100 was no difference.
But for us...
Janek, l don't have to tell you much.
lt was tough. My father...
Stop it or l'll get crazy.
lt was tough for me during 18 films.
- What do you want?
- Auntie is coming to Poland in a week.
For the first time after 50 years.
lt has to be two of us, twin brothers
and l'm coming with this to you...
Everything Auntie brings for
my brother will be for you.
How can l know... how much
will she bring for your brother?
Janek.
We've always made good deals.
Let's say, you'd play a role
in my film. Then you'd get ill.
We would have grounds
to look for the double.
Are you happy?
Have some change with you so that
you don't tell me again,
that you did not have enough
and couldn't call me.
Will l talk to you, Mr President?
Some lady will pick it up
and then l'll talk.
You'll start then.
As usual. Just don't be late
as usual!
Prepare the notice for the booth.
Wait for the 3rd change of lights.
- Don't loose this paper.
- l'll remember.
He's coming.
My husband had bladder
problems so l know it is painful.
l don't have any problems,
l do itjust in case!
Today again l'm standing
by this damn booth.
l'll freeze to the marrow!
lt's the same booth
which we had in our club.
We could always telephone
if it was needed.
And this swine has taken it near his
house and keeps it there!
And who will you be today?
His aunt again?
l think so. l will count from London.
PAYPHONE OUT OF ORDER
- Will you eat something, Bear?
- l'll eat you!
You know, l don't know how it is
possible but l love you.
What do you mean?
Well, simply.
Simply, l love you.
Ok, l understand.
Hello! Hello!
Mister!
lt's out of order.
There was a notice
but the hoodlum... you know.
Every time you kiss me, you turn on
the pink light. Why?
For the ambience.
When l'm thinking
l switch on the blue one.
Bear, you don't like me any more?
What l don't like
is dealing with morons.
What morons?
Will you pick up? l'm not here.
Hello?!
lnternational call from London!
Please, don't hang up!
Bear, it's London! To you...
London?
Find me a cigarette.
Hello!
Sorry for calling so late.
The booth was out of order, l found a phone
only in the pharmacy where l am now.
Once again, l'm sorry.
And now l'll count,
as Mr President told me to do.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5...
Hello, Roman!
How are you?
Polanski...
What? To London?!
82, 83, 84, 85,
86, 87, 88.
- Excuse me!
- What?
l've already counted. There are
122 people in this queue.
Cheerio!
Wait! Wait!
l will write down!
88 89 121.
All right!
- See you!
- Was it this Polanski, film director?
They all went mad!
Making Burt Reynolds out of me!
Janek wants me to play in his film,
now this one wants me in London.
l have other things on my mind.
They got crazy! And l have to find
some actress for him.
- What actress?!
- A partner for me.
Because l play a Pole
who is in London with his wife.
l have to ask Janek Hochwander.
- He knows so many actresses.
- Teddy Bear!
You can't do it!
You know how jealous he is.
He wouldn't let me go!
l love you, l love you too,
a lot! You know?
Listen,
we should have left one hare...
What the hell for?
Push it.
- ls the hare ready?
- Ready!
- Who are these people?
- The battue.
Village children for the battue.
- lt's a correct concept.
- Yes. Correct concept.
Dress them in pants, take off shoes
and shave the entire company.
l signed a contract to be
a forester with moustache.
And l don't agree to be shaved!
l have my beard from
before the war!
Cover their faces with rugs, so they
look like children with bad teeth.
Then there was no dental care
for children.
- This way it looks ok.
- That's right! Cover with rugs!
What is it?
- Who is it?
- This friend of Hochwander.
- To play the squire...
- l'm Ochodzki.
But what is he wearing?
- This may be taken off.
- That's a correct concept.
The concept is correct but why
is he wearing a Prussian uniform?!
Because this is a Prussian squire.
l have it in my script:
''The Prussian squire is coming''.
Prussian...
His surname is Prussian!
Lawrence Prussian.
The Polish squire!
So l can simply tie him with this.
Take it off. lt's profanation!
lt's a slap in the face
for the entire crew.
Take it easy. lt's a squire
from the time of imperialism.
Don't forget who they palled up with.
Anyway, tell him to take it off.
- The hunters ready?
- Ready!
The battue ready?
Ready!
- Camera...
- Turn it on!
''The Ultimate Sausage of
Count Barry Kent'' - 701!
- And what shall we do now?!
- We have to repeat it.
Repeat? Are you crazy?!
lt's a cat. lt'll always climb a tree!
We can cut this tree.
That's my concept.
l'm here for the concepts,
do you understand it?!
Every issue can be perceived
from two different perspectives.
The truth of times we talk about
and the truth of screen saying:
''Panslavonic pear tree protects in its
boughs plebeian fugitive.''
Do the cut-in shot
of the hare on the pear tree.
No! Change it for a dog!
Let it bark on its persecutors
from the mansion of the squire.
Make it stop meowing.
Charlie perfume, please.
- ''Technical Guide''
- Yes, please. Thank you.
Loin of pork!
300! After tomorrow l'll have
''Speleological Guide''.
- What guide? What is it?
- The liver.
- Thank you.
- Good bye.
Pardon.
Please, stay.
You will be a witness!
Put it here, boys. The door!
- Are you a seller here?
- How can l help you?!
You sold this shampoo, didn't you?
SAMSON. REVlTALlZlNG SHAMPOO
l asked a question!
- l'm not the Holy Ghost!
- How dare you?!
Hair shampoo!
Revitalizing!
Mother of children!
Married for 30 years...
My wife...
And this is.... what is left...
This is what is left...
This is what is left!
- This is what is left!
- Don't do it, Kazio!
Damn you, get out of here,
one after another!
Throwing her locks all over here!
Listen Mister!
lt isn't hairdressing salon!
lt's a newsagent's stand!
l sell meat here!
Have you brought everything?
Yes, but l'm not sure,
if all things are ok...
cause you gave me a form
for business passport.
This way you don't have to pay
for the passport and the ticket!
You'll fly with a business passport,
as a member of the club ''Rainbow''.
With your business passport you
can fly all over the world, butterfly.
Can you keep it with you?
Show me how you look like!
l look like this!
Oh, you, my Teddy Bear...
You sighed the photos
for your sport card.
- Give me your lD as well.
- My lD...
2 coffees and 2 cream cakes.
What else?
Why 2 coffees and 2 cream cakes?
Coffee and cakes are compulsory
for everyone.
We're competing
for the award ''Golden pan''.
OK. Bring us 2 compulsory sets.
- The cloakroom is compulsory too!
- All right.
l lost again...
No, here...
So listen...
Here you have what is in my jacket:
lD, application etc.
lt's a ticket for the cloakroom, 10.
l'll write it for you to remember!
Dear! Add some more water.
l'm so weak today.
l'm telling you...
Miss lwonka, wipe this lipstick off,
or some customer will complain again.
We have to hang a notice to let in
only customers in ties.
A customer in tie
makes less fuss.
l picked up? But you have
my ticket in your hand!
- Take this coat!
- But that is not mine.
The hook with your ticket number is
empty so he gave you the next coat.
But l had my passport and
the lD of this lady in my coat!
You picked up that coat. You said:
''lD and the passport...''
He paid 20 zlotys
for his lost ticket.
But l have it here
so give me my coat!
Stop shouting on my employee!
l'm the manager of this cloakroom!
We don't have your coat
so what will you do to us?
A lout is insisting
but where will l find his coat?
Read it.
WE ARE NOT RESPONSlBLE
FOR THlNGS LEFT lN CLOAKROOM
Why didn't you call the Militia?
Because l'll drive faster to them
than they to me.
- Wait for me. l'll be back soon.
- What about me?
They stole my jacket, not yours.
HEADQUARTERS
OF THE ClTlZEN'S MlLlTlA
Not here.
Don't you know the rules?
Right. When you're pressed
you forget about the regulations.
You're right, Officer.
- Still much left?
- 15 years but l'll appeal!
- So, did you fix it?
- l did what l could.
Bear, Teddy Bear!
Look, look!
They sent it back. They did...
What?
lt seems they stole it again.
No! lt's here.
My lD!
That's great! Listen...
Maybe they sent back my passport too.
Bear, Bear!
Let's go and see!
- There's a letter!
- Really? Open it!
lt's here! You see, they're so honest!
l know more honest people...
That's mad,
why did they send back the cover?
Probably the thief had his own,
a nicer one.
But he didn't have a passport
so will leave the country with mine.
- He'll be caught, you declared it.
- Sure!
Maybe in a year or even later.
''Dear Roman, the trip called off!
Best regards. Rysio.''
l regret very much.
Not for me.
l wanted you to play for Roman.
Bear, Bear, make up something!
You're so wise.
l can't send the telegram!
There's no such city: London!
- There is Ladek, Ladek Zdroj, yes...
- London, a city in England.
Why didn't you tell me?!
l have to look for it,
l have to check where it is.
They stole your passport...
You must steal from someone.
l'll do it!
THE ULTlMATE SAUSAGE OF
COUNT BARRY KEN - Where is my tea?
- Over there, on your desk.
Thank you.
Miss Krysia!
lt's a sick note.
- Thank you, Mr Director.
- What for?
An actor got ill, Ryszard Ochodzki.
He'll be on a sick leave.
Place an ad in a paper. With a photo.
We're looking for a double.
- What happened to him?
- He's in bed.
Dear God!
Take it urgently to the newspaper.
Give this photo too.
- But they're pouring my soup.
- Taxi is waiting! An artist got sick!
ln your age l didn't eat. Take it!
Go! What are you waiting for?
You're a driver for ''The Ultimate
Sausage of Count Barry Kent''?
- Yeah. So what?
- l want a ride.
First to the hotel ''Victoria''.
Wait for me.
l have to eat something finally.
MlLK BAR
- Mashed potatoes with lard.
- No lard today. With jam only.
- All right.
- Miss, could you come over?
- Give me a minute!
- Come back here.
Buckwheat.
Number 78, seat 13, table 3.
What are you digging for?! You're
going to unscrew the plate. Good bye.
Good bye.
Here you have!
- What's your number?
- 78.
Mine is 74 but l went to the loo.
Hey you, watch out!
Horrible boors from all over the world
has gathered here.
Porridge undercooked...
Let's go to the office,
to place this advertisement.
- Sorry, what is this queue for?
- For ''The Ultimate Sausage''.
They won't have anything for me.
What did you come for, ladies?
Because we are so
similar to each other.
All friends in our office
talk about it.
Thank you very much, ladies!
We'll call you.
- They weren't the best.
- Men only...
That's it, only men!
Only men. Sir!
Good morning, good day, hello!
You're asking where l'm from?
l'm jolly Romek!
l live in suburbs in a little hut,
l've got water, electricity and gas!
Soo l'll repeat one more time.
- l'm jolly Romek!
- Take him out!
What? Why?!
l wanted to express myself!
Scram! The end of casting.
For Christ's sake,
send everybody out!
Pay them wages for half a day!
Send them to hell!
Damn! The doubles!
All of them look-likes!
What the devil made me
listen to Rysio. Damn it!
How is it?
Man! Have you got mad too?
You're supposed to be ill!
You're ill. Seriously ill!
This day will cost me 50 000 zloty!
Do you want to go to jail with me?!
lf you're bored, leave!
Pick up mushrooms. Goddammit!
That's a very good concept!
Go and pick up mushrooms!
You're free!
Hello? Rysio,
l'm sorry l have shouted at you.
Sorry for those mushrooms
but stay at home!
Yes! Yes!
Listen.
What mushrooms is he sorry for?
But... l'm at home.
That's very good you're at home!
That's it...
Bring this guy
who was here a moment ago...
That's it... Go!
Miss Krysia, this guy,
who was here, is needed!
He left but we need him.
Send for this gentleman
who was here!
Eh, you!
Go! Faster!
Men in white coats
will come for me...
- We have this man, Mr Director.
- Bring him in!
Good morning, good day, hello!
You're asking where l'm from?
l'm jolly Romek!
l live in suburbs in a little hut,
l've got water, electricity and gas!
So l'll repeat one more time.
l'm jolly Romek!
- What can he know?
- He can know everything!
That's the truth... Everything...
He can do everything!
He placed the advert, he found me
and warned me...
- That's what he said?
- Yeah!
''Go pick up mushrooms,
otherwise we'll both go to jail''!
- Mushrooms now? You know him?
- At all. Never seen!
His face reminds nobody!
But what's the matter?
The 4 tones we stole?
Maybe the 12 tones
from the last week?
Maybe the 8 tones of coke.
Or lofix?
- That's it! The lofix, yes!
- Let's go for these mushrooms!
And on our way let's buy some wine.
l have a daughter, so we have an occasion!
- Again?
- The same as 4 years ago.
Child is a child, you can always
drink for their health!
And what's her name?
ln general,
as a rule we call her Marysia,
but we want to give her
a modern name.
There's such a name...
good for a girl.
What is it?
Tradition!
Bunch of scroungers and morons!
Nobody wants
to move his ass!
l'm getting nuts, spending money,
to have a nice advert to attract
as many people as possible.
Finally we have the double
to play in a film,
and film is the most important art.
And this double for the most
important of all arts you let go!
Apparently he passed...
How many people showed up
for the audition?!
Give me the report book.
Forget women,
the rest must be checked!
- Everybody, in their homes?
- Yes!
- Stop playing the fool!
- We'll lose all night!
We'll find him. l'll drive
for 2 nights but l'll find him!
l want him for the morning.
Morning!
Aren't you coming?
Come here!
Who will adjust the counter?
Boiler room, hello!
Good day, Miss Director.
One, two! One, two, three!
Five, six, seven! Eight!
Please, be quiet for a while!
Admin is calling me!
l'm listening to you, Miss Director.
That's right, Miss Director...
l understand everything...
l understand you are cold,
but it's winter so it's cold!
Miss Director,
this is the eternal law of nature!
lf l heat? l heat and smoke
all the time!
Non stop!
You're welcome.
Best regards for you,
Miss Director!
- Two?
- One, l'm driving.
Shall we start?
Or will we look at each other?
Sign it! Put tomorrow's date.
lt'll be tomorrow!
lt's ok like this!
Show me!
We, the undersigned, after having
checked 538 persons of male sex,
having driven 728 km according
to the counter...
having checked the given addresses,
we certify not to be able to confirm
the presence of the man shown in the photo.
Good.
Sign.
- ln what photo?
- Do you know this guy?
- No.
- So it means you signed the truth.
- Grandma, l'll be the Herod!
- You're too young to play Herod!
- Herod was never young?
- No!
Oh, Jesus! Children!
Pick up these toys. Now!
- Ala, take the bucket!
- What bucket, mummy?
This one. For coal. Run fast...
And a pig trough take too!
Quick children! Where is your father?
He's drunk. He's sleep. Good.
You, old man, wake up! Wake up!
Take the axe! They brought coal!
Coal in the village!
We'll have the war.
Like the last time.
EXPERlMENTAL PLANTATlON
There's one thing l can't understand.
For 2 tons of coal they gave us
a cart full of spruce trees.
- Maybe they needed coal.
- What for?
- To heat in stoves.
- Can't you heat wit a spruce?
lt's even better.
Peasants are ignorant here.
But these guys from the film
they are good in business!
They do!
- l told you that...
- Stopping?
4 hooves and still
asking for the way?!
Living creature feels
that you want to rip it off!
lt's like us. Cannot work
all day long with a dry muzzle.
All right. l'll make it up.
Here. That is your share.
Bottom up!
What? Smell!
The horse is drunk!
Horse? She had a small beer,
l swear. Even half a beer!
On Monday she's going for detox,
they will treat her and she'll be OK.
- Listen.
- l wouldn't' lie to authority!
This horse of yours, she,
she's not only drunk but also dirty!
She's such a slob.
Not always she washes after hard work.
Here you're absolutely right!
What do you think?
What can l tell you?
That you offer us a fine
of 100 zlotys.
You're saying 100 zlotys? All right.
So l add another 100
and together it's 200.
So maybe you would take a spruce,
officer? 230 zlotys each,
this way you make a profit
of 30 zlotys.
Pretty shrub.
Show it to me.
lt's expensive.
Thanks God he didn't ask us about
the trees. We could have problems...
Hey, wait!
Wait! Wait a bit!
Give me one more,
for my brother... will you?
Wait, wait!
What do you mean: give me?
Are we to give it free?
The merchandise costs, no?
All right! Wait, l'm coming back!
Come on, Bob.
Mr Director, my dear,
l saw you in all movies.
ln Polish movies
and foreign and in American.
But this swine,
don't give him even a penny,
or better, send everything to me
because he ran away
to my sister, this bitch
and this is his child.
He was in court and said
he was in prison,
and when l went twice
to visit him in jail...
...so whose child could it be
if not his.
lt's a child of this swine! Bob, confirm,
so that there's no harm for us.
Say, who is it in this photo?
- Daddy.
- Daddy?
Father!
We're looking for Mr Paluch.
- Can l help you?
- Are you Paluch?
Yes, why?
Maybe you have
a brother, Mr Paluch?
Let me introduce myself, gentlemen.
Zdzislaw Dyrman...
in general...
Mr Hochwander, Chrostowicz.
Have a seat!
- We're looking for Mr Paluch!
- Stanislaw, Stanislaw Paluch.
Zosia!
ls Stach there?
Stach!
Militia for you!
My wife... gentlemen...
Zofia!
This is your share for the trees...
You are like one big family,
here on the set.
The truth of time,
the truth of screen.
Your film tells about the painful
truth of imperialism, yes?
Baying pack of hounds and
the sound of popping champagne
can't drown out the sounds
of coming storm.
They can't.
We're trying to render the ambience.
We fully trust the director,
everybody trusts everybody.
l don't want to be controversial.
- Here is a new performer, amateur.
- Amateur?
- Mr Staszek.
- Could you come, Mr Staszek?
First time in the movie.
He can be an example for all of us.
By thanking him, l symbolically
thank the entire crew.
Thank you very much!
4 days l was looking for him.
Didn't sleep or eat.
He's perfect!
This mutual trust
is the basis of our cooperation.
Attention! Dress rehearsal!
Let's start!
You're sad, the hunting wasn't successful,
the hares ran away!
Sorry! Now the lady!
Embrace the lady.
You're crying, crying. Hug him.
Crying on his shoulder!
Yes. That's it.
Now horses!
Be careful, take horses!
Horses. They were unharnessed.
Can horses hear me?!
We're approaching the fire. Now! Panoramic
view of the cauldron... You have it?
Come closer!
The cook! Stir more!
More to have more steam, idiot!
Now you take out the sausages!
Take out the sausages!
The sausages!
The disappearance of these sausages
wreaked havoc. That's a fact...
lt's as plain
as the nose on your face.
We know who is behind it
and who is trying to lure us.
This is why
the disappeared sausages
will close even more our ranks.
That's unbelievable, coal?
Where do you take the coal from?
ln general...
from Wegorzewska Street...
lmpressive.
Aren't you afraid to transport coal?
lt's risky at times...
Well, in general
l always try to have a receipt...
You have beautiful hair.
Maybe... l can't see it...
All that makes us confirm
strongly... and firmly...
We say NO to the hidden gobblers
of the sausages!
The Youth Brigade promises
to be on guard
by freshly bought sausages,
to honour the anniversary of the
establishment of our enterprise.
- 31st anniversary!
- That's it. 31st, round anniversary!
- You forgot the mustard.
- l have the mustard.
Show it!
Oh, hell! Pretty girl!
- An artist from this movie?
- Pretty baby.
- Such are the worst!
- Give it back or l'll crack you!
Stop it. Are you going to fight
for a broad? Like children...
As for this name...
There's a child named Tradition,
who was born recently in Gdansk.
Have a look and read!
After the ceremony in the Wedding
Hall the bride and groom paid a visit
in Trade Union where they were
given wreaths of wedding flowers.
Everybody was touched with
the birth of the
new secular tradition''.
lndeed!
So she was born in the Trade Union?
lt's written, isn't it?
Gee up, you Nag!
- Who was it?
- Stach, your look-like.
This hairy monkey
with a black snout is to be me?!
l came earlier
for that l had nothing to do.
Staszek! Come in!
Oh, sorry, l'm like that...
Thank you, they are beautiful.
You know, these are my favourite.
- And something else...
- Thank you.
Feel at home.
You have to wait a minute.
l'm not ready yet.
You came so early.
- Stach?
- What?
There are my photos on the table,
you may have a look.
Staszek?
l'm sorry,
could you unclog the bath?
You're so strong...
You clumsy, what have you done?!
Luckily it was only a shampoo,
at the same time you washed your hair.
- We're going to the theatre.
- To the theatre? What for?
Staszek, but l work in a theatre.
Sweet Jesus...
The war is on...
Who can sell, will survive.
If l sell black pudding, lard, bacon,
l'll drink some moonshine.
l keep close to my heart
pork fat and loin,
brawn and two smoked hams...
Look, my son.
This is ham!
Ah...
The axe, the hoe, the saw.
Air raids at night, round-ups at day.
The axe, the hoe, the saw.
When are they going to stop?
But people fought with the invader
not only using satire and songs.
But when they lacked ammunition...
When they lacked ammunition,
they sought solace in
lyrics of songs.
Friendly songs, soldier's songs,
simple songs...
Let's listen.
Hey young guardsman,
Fight your sorrows and fears.
ln 30 years on this sand,
A route long, straight and clear
Will lead.
lt will be as wide as the sea
Lazienki Route called it will be.
lt will link two banks together,
Where your father at wartime fell.
Could you move a bit
because l can't see anything.
So go to a doctor,
the one for the eyes!
Mister,
why are you leaning on me like that?
l'm sorry.
Miss Zosia! Could you come?
- What?
- Look at that!
l know what this is.
Before l worked in a different theatre
for 20 years.
A critic wrote once
that while watching the performance
he was tearing all his hair out.
- Do you think it's him?
- No. A different one.
That one had already torn
everything.
Stasiek! You made yourself up
to look like American! Kojak?
- Did it happen to you in that movie?
- No. ln a theatre.
Oh shit!
l would never go to a theatre!
10:0 for Gwardia.
This a summary
of previous episodes.
Lieutenant of the Citizen's Militia,
Lech Rys, takes discrete care
of a bunch of scamps,
showing them the right way.
Thanks to his appropriate advice
he is called The Uncle Good Advice.
Here it is a new task for the
lieutenant: Tomek uses dirty words.
Next episode is titled:
''The butterfly's leg of Tomek Mazur''.
lt has snowed a lot. Butterfly's leg!
There's no bus since a quarter!
Damn feather!
Unbelievable!
How can you use such dirty words?
What am l to say?!
My legs are frozen.
Butterfly's leg!
Well! You see, the climate
was always against us.
But that's not a good reason
to say dirty words.
- We try to explain this to him.
- l'll give you good advice.
The next time, when you have
the hot water shortage,
the heaters are off,
the are no buses
and your friend starts again
saying dirty words,
do you know what to do?
- What?
Pretend you can't hear
what he's saying to you!
- Hooray!
- That's great advice!
- l can imagine his face!
- Excellent advice, Uncle.
Very good advice!
Find the advice for me, Uncle!
lt's childishly simple.
The money from the London bank
can be withdrawn either by
Ryszard Ochodzki or lrena Ochodzka.
Find quickly some lrena,
marry her
and you will have lrena Ochodzka.
lrena Ochodzka...
Teddy Bear...
Now little lrena will...
...kiss little eyes of Bear Rysio.
The right eye of Bear Rysio.
The left...
l'll go. l have the right, don't l?
Terrific! ls it fake or you really
had your hair cut like that?
Terrific, Bear, really.
My baldy, you have to have
it done again.
l know!
You'll have such hair for the wedding.
- What wedding?
- One hour ago you proposed to me?
Hey? You didn't get the joke?
- lt was ajoke?
- What else?
You acted like some idiot!
Couldn't you leave some hair?
l couldn't. How was l to do it?
So if l'm an idiot, you...
You are very wise.
He's a moron.
- How can you deal with him?
- Somehow l can.
Why couldn't l deal?
l don't know. Just asking.
Oh Bear, you grouch.
You silly thing!
What are you thinking about?
That l and him...
Oh, you little dirty thing!
So how do you make it with him?
l told him that yes, of course,
everything is possible,
but only in London.
You liar!
l didn't lie. He won't go
with me to London,
but who will go with me to London?
So what are you doing together?
We are talking.
Oh, tell me,
what exactly tradition is.
He's constantly asking about it.
He says it's some girl.
lmbecile!
Tradition, it is...
something extra.
Extradition?
No, this is when the planes
are hijacked,
when some bandit hijacks a plane,
then we can demand to get it back,
exactly because of tradition...
it's an old tradition.
From the beginning of... aviation.
Extradition.
lt works like that:
if somebody hijacks our cart
and he was caught,
he has to give us back a plane.
Did you get it?
This exactly is tradition.
Becaue they have to give it back!
- A plane?
- Yeah!
- A plane? What for? And a cart?
- They'd give back our cart too!
Good day, Mr President!
Have a seat, dear Sir.
- And what about me?
- He booked before you.
Today, Mr Pawel,
l want you to shave my head.
- Completely?
- Oh, you know, it's an important bet.
All right. l get it.
lt's forbidden to smoke here!
Watch it carefully,
The TV will film it and the newsreel.
Will you manage to attach it
to the helicopter?
l'm the chief consultant
for the artistic matters.
l want everything
to have some expression.
We can attach it. Recently
l put up 3 little houses for Militia.
They were so thankful
they didn't know where to kiss me.
We'll discuss the contract
with the committee.
- You're coming with me.
- OK, coming!
This gentleman will be responsible for the
whole action cause he has a helicopter.
l mean, he can have it
whenever he wants.
Yes, l can have but l need to know
an hour before it.
And the price is competitive,
he'll provide it for 30 grands,
while the official price starts
at 55 per hour.
Here you have to stay
in touch with him...
l have your phone number.
If we need something,
l'll call you,
And then you will call me back.
Why overpaying three times
if we have this guy
and we'll let him earn a bit.
l got straw from Koszalin
from the state farm.
They can give it free for the club.
So it costs us nothing.
l have a surplus of a film tape,
so we make a short movie
and it'll cost us nothing.
So we're more less
180-200 grands ahead.
- Go ahead, tell me...
- This is all.
l found a museum in Olsztynek
which will buy the bear.
And this will give us 150 000 extra.
So what do you say?
Listen! You're trying to
save some meagre
100-200 grands and when we have
a control they'll get us.
Get it into your
economical director's head:
money should be earned legally,
not by some shady practices.
This little chopper rat can fly
for a penny with your wife,
but us, remember this,
we'll rent a helicopter for 10 hours,
paying the full price.
- ''Ten hours'' - literally.
- But it'll cost us few hundred!
We'll pay!
The film will be made officially
and we'll pay.
l got the receipt for the bear,
280 000 - we'll pay.
And we won't sell the bear to
any museum, even for a million!
So, you don't want to earn money?
Tell me... what is this bear for?
- Yes, what for?
- This is it!
Nobody knows. So you don't have to
be afraid that someone asks.
This bear...
it's vital for the whole society.
lt fulfills its dreams.
This is a bear
within our capabilities.
Do you know what we do with this bear?
We open eyes of the doubters.
This is ours, we made it
and this isn't our last word.
And nobody can pick on us
as this bear
was made for the community
by 6 different institutions.
The bear will rot at the end of summer
out there in the fresh air.
- And what will we do then?
- The protocol of damage.
Real money can be earned
only on expensive,
huge investments made of straw.
No, no, no! You can't afford it!
You have to save money.
Listen, Rysio!
Don't be such a demagogue!
When you do your wheeling dealing
everything is ok,
but when l suggest something...
you're giving me a lesson...
lndeed? Tell me one thing and
l'll let you drink the whole bottle.
Give me just a shot!
And your fake brother?
l stopped my film, gave an ad.
lt cost me over 300 000.
- lt cost you?
- Money is money!
Few thousand zlotys for
few hundred uncertain dollars
only if your aunt is generous.
ls it correct?
Janek, avoid mind games with
two different systems of currency.
Let's not behave like merchants.
As consultants we get for the bear
20% from the entire cost.
So the more expensive the...
- Brandy?
- Double, please. l can afford now!
Do you have a big pan?
l have real sausages.
Veal wrapped in lamb.
Lamb skin?
Did you get it
from an antique dealer?
No, from my movie. Just smell it!
Give me some pot!
lt's painful to see,
the way he strains himself,
our president, Ryszard Ochodzki.
All for our club ''Rainbow''.
He's constantly working!
Keeping and eye on everybody.
And some needle him with
their sarcastic remarks.
Bunch of wolves!
lt's me, Jarzabek Waclaw,
2nd class coach.
Long live the president! 100 years!
lt's me again, Jarzabek,
last week l didn't express myself.
l was ill.
l have a sick note.
Woo, boo, doo, boo,
long live the president of our club!
100 years!
lt was Jarzabek singing.
Close the door behind me.
What has happened to you?
When you left, some guy ran into
the room and started reciting
and then singing in your honour.
He did it to the cabinet.
- A song?
- lf only you heard this rubbish...
Woo, boo, doo, boo,
long live the president of our club!
100 years!
- lt's Jarzabek, a good coach.
- You have it recorded?
Not only this.
The conditions during training camp
were good!
Thanks to our president!
The roof wasn't leaking.
Especially as it wasn't raining much.
- What do you have it for?
- Want to see some others?
- Don't they know it's recorded?
- Obviously, they do!
l told them about it.
lf anybody wants to express
their critical comment about me,
or my work, bring some complaint
while l'm not here,
every time they may come and register
what is bothering them.
But they may try to butter you up,
make up to you, blandish...
What for?
Because they and l,
we all care only for our club.
Honesty is the standard in our club!
Sir!
Sir, the door over there!
Welcome Rysio,
you know how much l like you, chap!
l'm struck down by asthma so from dawn
l have to drink this awful stuff!
l brought one like that.
lt's for my grandson.
The boy is fond of sports.
- lt's to motivate him!
- Precisely!
lt's 5:30 pm,
we have to change the pressure.
Come in, you'll have a ride with me.
Press 30!
Yeah... l wasn't sure
what sport he's keen on,
so the inscription is maybe...
not very...
He doesn't do any sport.
What did you write there?
To Marek Zlotnicki...
for taking the first place.
Rysio, l ike you so much, chap!
Listen, Rysio, when you were
getting married to lrena,
you had such sabres above
your heads.
Do you remember? l also
would like to have such sabres.
But we're getting married
only next Tuesday.
OK. Sabres for next Tuesday.
And then of course,
some honeymoon?
This we'll do rather in the winter.
l'm telling you, l've been everywhere.
l'm lazy.
But lrena is flying like crazy.
She brought a beautiful fur
from Leningrad. And now...
- What day is today?
- Tuesday!
So on Friday she's flying to London
to buy something for her wedding dress
or some suit.
You know, women.
- But coming back to this wedding...
- l've just remembered,
there is a letter to lrena, from abroad.
lt came to our old address.
- l think it was from London.
- From London?
- Where do you have it?
- At home...
Or maybe in the club.
- So let's go...
- No, what for? Give me a minute!
l'll bring it myself.
l don' want to bother you Mr Minister.
l'll be back with a letter
in a minute!
Somebody to you.
Quiet. Quiet...
This is our man, Mr President.
ln two days l should have new
collections with hunting animals,
Now l have only singles.
These. French ones.
- l need English.
- l don't have anything interesting.
Here there are some new ones
and the old ones. With envelopes.
Envelopes with stamps?
Yes, they are postmarked.
Sir, with these pipes
it was like that:
in the winter windows fell out.
2 from here, 2 from the 6th floor
and from the 7th two as well.
No, from the 7th one only!
CERTlFlED TRANSLATOR
Bon Jour. Sil vous plait!
Entrez, entrez vous.
Et ou est Piotr?
Pardon, lch keine...
Je parle Polish only.
l'm sorry, Sir,
l though it was my son
with his friend from France.
They are to come from another district,
to take a bath,
because there's no water there...
- All right.
May l ask you to write a letter in English
on this piece of paper, by hand?
- Yes.
- No problem.
And it will go like that...
lrena! The dearest goddess,
every night l dream about your divine body...
...divine body...
- Lifts are off. From 8:00 only.
- But l came to this lift.
This lift is upstairs.
He's relaxing now.
- Some gentleman came to you.
- Let him in.
Sorry, it took so long...
OK, do you have this letter?
Thank you very much.
Jasio!
Take my friend downstairs in a lift.
He wouldn't have to suffer going down.
lt's a simple text,
l'll translate it quickly.
Will you excuse me.
l'm coming back.
l though you wouldn't come,
that you finally have water there.
Comment a va?
- Who will you pretend to be?
- l don't know yet.
Yes, this one. Yesterday precisely
he came back from Geneva.
Speak.
l'm calling from the secretariat...
Yes. Yes.
Hello?
Yes. Yes. Paluch.
Yes.
l made a note.
Of course. Everything.
Miss Krysia!
And Aleksandra Kozel. Yes.
That's very good.
And what about your personal life?
l see.
Congratulations.
lt's a matter of urgency!
Have it done... on the pillows!
l travel across the lands and sees,
Around the globe
With my head held high.
l have Polish passport
Close to my heart.
Where did l take it from,
l'm asking?
l worked it out with pride and pain.
From hard labour of everyday work.
From steel, iron, coal.
Coal means coke...
...the anthracite.
- 80!
- Taken!
Get dressed!
So when shall we leave and how?
- By plane. Would you like a drink?
- Why not...
- Maybe Whisky. English drink it.
- OK. l can try.
Drink it.
The English drink it non stop.
Give me a second glass.
Good morning.
- Merry Christmas, says the meter reader.
- Thank you.
Merry Christmas. Herrings appeared
in shops in Grochow, l heard.
We'll check how much
did you use up.
So in general you have to know
a little bit about it,
for people to know how much to pay.
Until now it was like that,
but now we have a computer.
You can write whatever you want.
lt has no meaning.
Computer?
Yes, it's always wrong
when calculating, Sir.
Single month didn't go by
without a mistake.
Now, you don't have to know
that much about yourjob?
Not any more.
That's much easier, Sir.
Computer.
Excuse me,
l have to go to the bathroom.
Of course.
Sir!
Sir!
You have your computer.
English vodka.
l'll open.
No, thank you, we have one already.
Sir! Sir!
Some guy with a mirror.
l told him we have one already.
Take care of him.
l'll be back soon.
Computer!
Make that carrier take out
the meter reader.
No. Ask the caretaker.
Make him sleep!
- The caretaker?
- No, the carrier!
Sir!
Can you come to me
and take out the meter reader.
All right, coming.
We would like to apologize for the
unscheduled damage and invite
all passengers to the square.
Municipal Transport in connection
with the breakdown of transport
system introduces the slogan:
''To all people of good labour:
a bit of humour and entertainment''
and we invite you to the square.
The tram is stopped for an hour. Few
passengers entered the basement and peed.
And he went
to take our the meter reader.
Ladies and gentlemen!
l welcome you with a traditional good day.
And let me start and present
you the programme.
On that occasion, as a breakdown
is also an occasion,
we would like to present to our
passengers, people of good labour,
as they are...
the artistic programme,
until the breakdown is repaired.
Excuse me,
where did you get this tea?
Oh no...
My daughter sent it from Lomza.
Good morning, good day, hello!
You're asking where l'm from?
l'm jolly Romek!
l live in suburbs in a little hut,
l've got water, electricity and gas.
Don't worry, they'll turn it off!
Bear, he's sleeping like a log.
So what? l'm sleeping because l feel
like sleeping. lt's logical.
- So, Bear?
- Good.
Give me your passport now.
l have to buy tickets for tomorrow!
And you'll watch them here.
And l'll be back soon.
Good morning!
Miss Director, the sausage.
NO TlCKETS
Yes?
My name's Stanislaw Paluch,
l have booked a ticket to London.
Plane to London, 11:05.
4 minutes ago the price has changed.
lt's 11:09.
But l gave you the sausage.
Take it! Take it now!
l'm not going to eat it at all!
You don't want to fly to Tokyo,
so l suggest Melbourne.
lt's a rare ticket, it's valid.
The plane left 3 days ago
and hasn't come back yet.
TlCKET WlTH A DlSCOUN lS THE BEST GlF Excuse me, l've just got
the message, from a hospital,
my wife gave birth to a son, a boy,
so l wanted to send flowers for her
and the ticket for
the baby as a sign of good luck.
- Will you let me in?
- Yes.
Dear... the one to London at 11:05.
The flowers are for you.
- Your lD, please.
- Here you are.
Excuse me, l'm a pediatrician.
l told you... l have a son!
- What's his weight?
- 12 kg.
12? Authorities keep
the correct political course.
- With tickets only, please.
- Thank you.
- But l want to see my mother off!
- Wait a moment!
l'll check in the manual.
Mother.
''Mother can be seen off
by waving from the viewing area.''
''We apologize.
The viewing point is closed.
The nearest open viewing point
in Wroclaw.''
Maybe you could fly?
But you are to have the operation.
- l'm only carrying the suitcases.
- Don't be bothersome.
Bothersome passenger.
''What if your little son was leaving
with a group of 100 children
and every parent would like to enter?
Can you imagine the crowd? You see?
Don't tell me you don't have a son.
You soon can have one!
Check if the passenger
is not a priest.''
- Excuse me, l have my ticket.
- Come here!
- What's up?
- Would you like a ticket?
- What?
- Do you need a ticket?
Lufthansa, Boac, Swiss Air,
Air France...
- But they aren't valid !
- Valid for entering the airport!
lt's like a platform ticket.
Domestic or foreign?
Can l enter with it?
OK... give me a domestic one!
- 40 zlotys.
- How much?
40. Foreign tickets are cheaper,
30 zlotys...
With a LOT ticket
you'll enter everywhere.
Keep in a cover, don't destroy.
You'll use it for 2 years.
Excuse me, what time today
does this plane at 11:05
fly to London?
How can l know?
Probably at 13:00!
- Could you...
- Just a moment!
''Passenger Stanislaw Paluch
is requested for immediate boarding.
Mutual friendship and trust are the
basis for the proper functioning
of a basic social cell - family.''
Passenger Stanislaw Paluch.
Please...
Thank you.
- 30th plenum of the ''ZENUM''.
- Excuse me?
That's how we call a day,
when all planes leave on time
and then it's so messy
that we are late with everything!
- Hey, you, latecomer...
- 30th plenum of the ''ZENUM''.
Yeah, yeah!
And that letter which you
prepared and planted?
Wladek got upset and told:
''On Friday you're not flying''.
So l said:''OK. On Fiday l'm not.
l'm flying on Thursday''!
Obviously he sent a guy
to watch me.
He's sitting there, reading a paper?
lt means he's working...
lmpressive,
they gave you a passport...
Eli? lt's me! l'm calling you because
l can't talk to you.
There are few people at my place.
No, you don't know them.
Foreigners.
lf you would like some wine,
please, help yourself, Jerry.
No, l was saying to a friend.
- And what now?
- Partnership.
- What can l offer you?
- l accept.
You see, vulture?
You lost.
Loosing with you is like winning.
My dear,
could you explain it to me?
Should l fill it in English?
Could you help me?
l'm giving out sweets!
- l'll help you.
- Yes, please.
Surname, name, occupation, address...
- Do you have alcohol?
- Eau de cologne only.
- That's it.
- Thank you.
Look.
Well, well...
Heroine hidden in the
Ryszard Ochdzki's luggage.
This lady told me that l filled in
everything correctly.
What do you think?
Let's search it.
201! Chamberlain speaking...
Yes.
Attention please!
A person who found
a page with the British visa
from the Polish passport
is kindly requested to contact
an lmmigration Office.
l think this is an unhappy woman
with mental problems.
She says, her husband, Ochdzki...
There's no-one of
that name on board.
As soon as we receive
a confirmation of your visa,
you will be free to go.
Yes, but have you
stopped my husband?
He destroyed my passport!
- You must arrest him!
- Yes, of course.
But a passport is just
a piece of paper.
Just a piece of paper.
But unfortunately you won't
be able to see your husband,
he will be detained for
an attempted smuggling
of 80.000 GBP worth heroine.
God, l'm an idiot.
What have l done...
- Have you got smoked ham?
- Sure. This one?
Very juicy.
Good Lord! Dear Ryszard...
How did you arrive...
...here? What a surprise.
You'll stay till Christmas.
You have to stay with us.
So sit down, please and tell me!
The news! The news!
News like news, dear Mr Jan!
The most important is that
you are healthy, thanks God.
And hopefully it will last!
l rush so much
to pick up my box
because l want to go to the bank
with a cheque before they close it.
- You have to eat something.
- l'm not hungry.
- Nobody touched it.
- l know, well.
l'm taking my cheque book,
l'll come later, Mr Jan so we'll talk.
l'd forget the most important thing.
The pebble you asked about.
l brought it from Jelenia Gora.
- From Jelenia Gora?
- From Jasna Gora, the sanctuary.
You know who walked on it.
l'm putting it here.
Dear Mr Jan...
We'll have time tonight to talk
about old Poles. See you...
- But...
- Tonight! Tonight!
l am sorry, l can't cash your check.
l don't understand what
you're telling me,
but l can show you
my documents. Here you are.
My lD. You see. l have it here.
You can check.
Ryszard Ochodzki. Can you see it?
lt's me.
Do l look the same? The same
signature? Check it, please.
Look, sir...
Give it to me. l won't eat it.
- Moment. Pass him to me.
- Can you speak English?
Translate this hammerhead
Because l don't understand anything.
Speak!
Yes?
l've been trying to explain...
Of course, he wants to speak with you.
Yes?
- They are on strike.
- Strike?
Yes. lt's too dark in the office.
And they are on token strike.
lt'll end at 2 o'clock.
8 minutes will save you! Bureaucrat!
You have a strike... My ass!
What an absurd.
You are completely spoilt!
- Long time ago?
- Half an hour ago.
- Are you sure it was him?
- You think l wouldn't recognize him?
lt's 2 pm. The end of strike.
You can cash your check now.
Good morning!
l... would like to...
my money... my money...
Put in... your bank...
An account with a password...
Fersteien?
Why not fersteien?
We understand everything.
Have a seat, please, and wait.
We'll take care of everything.
Mr Jan,
l have such a favour to ask you.
l can't explain it on the phone.
Briefly, could you send such
a telegram to my address in Poland?
Unfortunately l can't come...
l can't come, dear boys.
Kisses for you both. Auntie.
l understand, auntie! That's right!
- Do you have it?
- lf l have what?
- The tickets!
- Tickets! Of course, l don't!
5 hours of standing in a queue, they
closed the counterjust before me.
Thanks God!
You would frame me.
- Do you know what happened?
- What?
Don't talk so much, just help me
take him out, we must take him out.
Why?
- What happened?
- Don't talk that much. Open the car!
Open! You know,
they almost arrested me.
Why? What has happened?
Militia is looking
for this Stach Paluch of yours.
- But they gave him a passport.
- Right!
Don't forget after whose call
they gave him... a passport.
YOUR HEART REMlNDS YOU
lT'S HEALTHlER TO WALK
- Brother goes to the Army?
- Get lost! You fool!
- Good night, my prince...
- Why prince...
A friend from the theatre
has such a saying.
l don't know why.
Today in the afternoon
in Warsaw
new secular tradition has been born:
The Day of Walking Passenger.
This day certainly will enter
our calendar for good.
lnhabitants of Warsaw celebrated this
new gift from tram drivers
with dances and fun. Festivities of
The Day of Walking Passenger
will be closed with
fireworks display.
Drink, there are
greater misfortunes.
- lf you want, l'll buy you a fur...
- A real one?
Real...
Professional basketball players
arrived to Warsaw,
to take part in few
showpiece matches. We saw it.
Show is a show,
but with a basketball and sport
it has less and less in common.
lt's a bit of circus, a bit of fun,
but generally,
it is making fun of us.
These black men are incredible!
Well, not in that meaning but
in general. Look how he's moving!
Do you know that when l was young,
l was black and played basketball too.
Seriously.
This is what l did. Look!
This is what l did.
But then l stopped.
Teddy Bear...
l just think sometimes:
is love at all possible in life.
- ls there anything like that?
- Love?
Yeah, love...
ls it possible at all...
On TV they often show love, some
people make love or talk about it.
That's what l think,
in life it's impossible.
There... someone... is hanging!
lt's a toy made of straw.
They talked about it on TV.
They said it would fly. Look!
Which TV? Yours...
You talk rubbish!
lt's such a tradition, new one,
it'll fly like that!
What do you mean fly?
lt's hanging on some cord or wire.
Good morning!
ls this cart for transporting people?
We're going to the lake to catch fish
for Christmas Eve.
Your lD, please,
and the a cart driver's licence.
What is it?
Passport!
First day after Christmas the latest
you should bring it back!
All right. You can go now!
Why should l bring it back?
- You came back from abroad?
- Did l?
- From abroad?
- What do you mean? You were in England!
Don't play a fool. You can go!
- That's right!
- Where have you been? ln England?
- Why didn't you say a word?
- He's not a chatterbox at all.
- A bloke doesn't have to talk!
- How long?
- One day.
- So short.
Man, it's tough.
They drink such red vodka on mice!
- So they drink more than here?
- Much, much more.
You drinkjust a small shot
and you stay unconscious for two days.
Gosh!
Sleep, my dear, sleep.
ln the whole universe,
You are my king,
My little son.
l will wrap you warm,
l will feed you too,
Before the Christmas night
Comes over the whole world.
Don't cry for the future,
When you are hurt and poor.
Sleep, my dear, sleep...
Tradition, come here to daddy!
Don't soak your little shoes!
She can't have this name,
Tradition!
- Why not?
- You're asking why!
Because you can't call
anything tradition.
And you can't order it and enact
by any special resolution.
Who thinks differently is like
a blown out candle outside in the sun!
Tradition is an old oak which
grew up for thousands of years.
Don't compare this little sprout
with a mighty oak!
The tradition of our history
is like a fortified wall.
These are carols, Christmas supper,
singing of the people,
the tongue of our forefathers,
our history which we can't change.
And things which emerge around us,
it's our everyday life,
life we live.
Fall asleep my dear,
Close your little eyes,
Dream about the whole world,
Dream about this land.
May it be a land
Of peace and good,
Land of justice,
Generous for everyone.
Loo, lee, lay, it's a beautiful song
Played on a flute, on a flute.
Thousand stars are shining there
For my little son.
Sleep, my dear, sleep.
ln the whole universe,
You are my king,
My little son.
More, more...
That's all right!
- Bacuga, push!
- Yes, sir! Captain, sir!
- Loosen the southern line!
- Yes, sir!
Quickly make a queue. There has to be
some life in the district!
lt's Pike here!
To everybody! To everybody!
We throw the net.
We can start.
TEDDY BEAR
Cast
Damn!
- What's up!?
- Nothing, Director.
The eye fell off, of this bear!
Could you give me two bears.
The Tankman and the other in a hat.
Don't you see l'm eating?
Screenplay
Music
Photos
Directed by
l'm sorry for disturbing you.
No, you aren't disturbing at all.
- Are the bears packed?
- Yes.
- How many got inside?
- As usual.
Yesterday l passed through here,
but there were no houses.
Really?
And if there was an old lady
going to the old people's home,
and this house hadn't been here
yesterday but today it was here?
You would run over this
old lady, yes?
And if it was your mother!
How could l run over my mother,
if she's sitting at the back of my car?
Hello, it's Birch!
l can't hear you!
l repeat, he said
his mother's sitting at the back...
Mother's sitting
at the back of his car!
Do not panic.
Some better con man.
He's driving his mother,
an old lady, just to frame us!
This only shows us that we constantly
have to face new challenges.
And that's first.
Second, we must have
different options ready.
And that's second.
And that's why l suggest
the following:
What if suddenly there was
a kindergarten. ln the future!
What if suddenly there was
a kindergarten. ln the future...
...and your little son was crossing...
...in the future.
What if suddenly there was
a kindergarten. ln the future...
...and your little son was crossing
in the future
the son you don't even have yet,
so don't tell me...
...that he's sitting at the back!
You're going to the capital
of a capitalist country.
This country maybe even has
some advantages of its kind.
But the thing is that these advantages
shouldn't outshine the disadvantages.
So traditionally, gentlemen
to the right, ladies to the left.
So many people here...
So, what a residential area is?
What?
Residential area,
it's minimum 3 building
in a distance no bigger
than 15m one from another.
3 right, in a distance no more then
15m, right!
Here we have 14m. Take it and measure
if you don't trust the Militia!
He believes in everything.
God has punished me
with such a stupid guy!
3 not 2.
Unless that one over there
we should consider a building too.
115!
- lt should be 119, 4 kg are missing.
- l lost 4 kilos recently.
So you bring to the country
4 kg less of a citizen.
lf everyone returned with few kilos
less. lt would be less and less of us!
- Less of Poles!
- So what should l do?
60 zlotys for each missing kilo.
Your education?
- l graduated from university.
- ln this case it's 75 zlotys.
EACH ClTlZEN WlTH HlGHER EDUCATlON
lS THE TREASURE OF THE SOClETY
Here the passports.
- The citizen Ochodzki Ryszard...
- Yes? That's me.
Follow me, please.
What is it? Who did it?
- l...!
- You did it?
l'm asking who did it?
l'm asking!
Well, l...
- What is it?
- A passport...
Passport!?
lt was a passport! lt was!
Bring my suitcase.
You're going on your own!
Coach, you're responsible for
the match, for everything!
- But what has happened?
- Everything is ok.
Give it to me!
Call the Council of Ministers,
tell them l'm coming.
- How come they turned him back?
- So you don't know anything?
He's supposed to be a minister.
They called just after the match.
- And how do you know about it?
- l picked up the phone.
There wasn't anybody here,
he was out,
probably they were trying to convince
him to be a minister.
He would be stupid if he accepted.
Are we hard on him here?
Where will he be better?
He took his part for Marciniak.
But Marciniak was complaining
that they ripped him off.
Didn't rip him off, this is the rate!
And Marciniak isn't a child.
300 000 and an apartment.
They don't owe him more.
The president didn't pay me 500 zlotys
for the locker l transported for him.
And what about us?! He owes us
for this glass that he broke!
l told him
that a glass costs 4 zlotys,
and he replied: ''Right, right''
and hasn't paid.
- Bear!
- Bear, Bear! Boar not bear!
He doesn't have 500 zlotys for me
and himself, he shits with cash!
l want to say that our President runs
all the calculations conscientiously,
very conscientiously.
lf only something...
...he owes to someone,
he gives back immediately...
He never owes anything to anybody.
He keeps these things in order.
He runs the club well...
Good morning, Bear!
l dropped in only
for a second, just for my furniture.
l hope l don't bother.
Let me... introduce to you...
- Would you like something to drink?
- No, thank you.
But if you don't mind,
l'd gladly drink something.
Careful, gentlemen, careful!
- lt's two of us. We'll not manage.
- lt's three of you, isn't it?
Bear, let me introduce to you again,
this is precisely Wladek.
l'm very sorry!
Truly, really sorry!
Please, Mr Minister,
take a seat.
Forget this minister... old times.
- What's your name?
- Rysio!
Richard...
All Richards are decent guys.
lt's a pity you had to split up.
But on the other hand...
This painting by Kossak...
This Kossak...
- And this Buddha.
- Wait a moment. What Buddha?
My Dear, l'd love to
put this Kossak to the bedroom
and this Buddha to your study.
- Wait, wait...
l really like you very much, chap.
You have to come to us once.
Just give us a call before
to be sure we are at home.
This is pretty too.
And how did you know,
that l'd be here...
You knew l was leaving,
didn't you?
We were passing by and simply
decided to pop in.
How come?
Together with carriers?
Yes, we were passing with carriers.
l really like you, chap.
Mister is saying...
That we can both use
ourjoint account.
ll'm asking who did!
l'm asking!
What is it?!
Sir, sir! l'd like to withdraw
all the money from our account!
Here you have.
''Hey, young blade,
Forget your sorrows and fears.
Maybe in 30 years on this sand,
A route long, straight and clear
Will lead.
lt will be as wide as the sea
And Lazienki Route called it'll be.''
There's something l don't understand,
why ''maybe''?
- ''Maybe'' because he doesn't know yet.
- Why he doesn't know? How come?
lmagine, brother!
Young man, a boy, yes?
On a bank of the river in Warsaw,
his friends around are working.
- Can you see that?
- Yes, now l can see it!
You see!
And he also starts to see it...
...slowly he can see the route!
Brother, he can see it
in his dreams!
And l'd give here G sharp!
- From G sharp?
- G sharp like guitar.
lnstead these words ''maybe''
Let's give ''for sure''.
Attention!
Hey, young blade,
Forget your sorrows and fears.
ln 30 years on this sand, for sure!
A route long, straight and clear
Will lead.
lt will be as wide as the sea
And Lazienki Route called it'll be.
lt will link two banks together,
Where your father at wartime fell.
Bravo!
You sang it so beautifully,
Mr Cwynar.
l will always do it for you, always!
- You see!
- You're right.
- l told you.
- You've convinced me. Hold it.
lt will link two banks together,
Where your father at wartime fell!
Yes?
May l?
Hello, Rysio. What's up?
- l thought you wouldn't come.
- Why?
l got off the train earlier cause
in the centre there are controls.
What can we do?
- lt's tough...
- A year, minimum a year!
That's a case...
That's it... A year...
These broads, come on.
Just take and tear out.
- But what could be done? Nothing.
- Nothing.
Although... Such a thought
has come to my mind.
No! Forget about it! Listen!
We will stop at the harbour
Of my heart.
The harbour full of tenderness
And emotions.
And then: ''l don't need
to tear out of your passport...''
Any pages to keep you with me!
...tear out of your passport
Any pages to keep you with me!
To keep you with me!
l don't need to tear out!
Have you heard?
He was trying to persuade someone,
that his aunt will come from London
and will bring the money.
- He was lying!
He also lies you saw,
in his documents to get a passport.
Family abroad: ''l don't have''.
But he has an aunt.
ln London and London is abroad.
He has money in the bank in London.
Roczniak told me.
Bear tells me to call him
and he talks rubbish to me like:
''Ah, auntie from London
is calling me'' and he's surprised.
- Such crap! His aunt...
- He doesn't have any aunt!
His entire life he is full of shit.
Gentlemen, what is it?
- lt was to be taken down 3 days ago!
- lt will be taken down.
We're finishing breakfast
and we start, Mr Director.
Eat your breakfast at home,
the director is giving me a hard time!
- Decoration isn't ready...
- Who is it?
- Production Manager, Hochwander.
- Came with a woman and is showing off!
Finish Wladek so we can start!
Hey!
Our star. Ola, introduce yourself.
- Aleksandra Kozel.
- Ochodzki... Ryszard.
Nice to meet you.
Well...
How's everything, Rysio?
So, so...
Ola, go and see
what do they serve today for lunch.
- A very decent girl.
- Never mind! What can we do...
Seriously, l'd like very much
to help her organize her life.
- So?
- Janek...
You know how it was. We had war!
5 years of war,
5 years of occupation...
l made 28 films about it,
l'm making the 29th.
So even from the films you know,
how it was. lt was tough.
And how was it before the war?
Wild capitalism.
l made18 films about it.
What about this brother?
- Where is he?
- Nowhere!
He exists only for this
aunt of mine.
She's very rich, 79 years old,
lives in London.
Enough?
My parents sent her a photo,
slightly exaggerated.
lt was two of us in this photo.
l was pretending to be twins.
And auntie used to send 50 for each
one of us. Together 100!
For her 50 or 100 was no difference.
But for us...
Janek, l don't have to tell you much.
lt was tough. My father...
Stop it or l'll get crazy.
lt was tough for me during 18 films.
- What do you want?
- Auntie is coming to Poland in a week.
For the first time after 50 years.
lt has to be two of us, twin brothers
and l'm coming with this to you...
Everything Auntie brings for
my brother will be for you.
How can l know... how much
will she bring for your brother?
Janek.
We've always made good deals.
Let's say, you'd play a role
in my film. Then you'd get ill.
We would have grounds
to look for the double.
Are you happy?
Have some change with you so that
you don't tell me again,
that you did not have enough
and couldn't call me.
Will l talk to you, Mr President?
Some lady will pick it up
and then l'll talk.
You'll start then.
As usual. Just don't be late
as usual!
Prepare the notice for the booth.
Wait for the 3rd change of lights.
- Don't loose this paper.
- l'll remember.
He's coming.
My husband had bladder
problems so l know it is painful.
l don't have any problems,
l do itjust in case!
Today again l'm standing
by this damn booth.
l'll freeze to the marrow!
lt's the same booth
which we had in our club.
We could always telephone
if it was needed.
And this swine has taken it near his
house and keeps it there!
And who will you be today?
His aunt again?
l think so. l will count from London.
PAYPHONE OUT OF ORDER
- Will you eat something, Bear?
- l'll eat you!
You know, l don't know how it is
possible but l love you.
What do you mean?
Well, simply.
Simply, l love you.
Ok, l understand.
Hello! Hello!
Mister!
lt's out of order.
There was a notice
but the hoodlum... you know.
Every time you kiss me, you turn on
the pink light. Why?
For the ambience.
When l'm thinking
l switch on the blue one.
Bear, you don't like me any more?
What l don't like
is dealing with morons.
What morons?
Will you pick up? l'm not here.
Hello?!
lnternational call from London!
Please, don't hang up!
Bear, it's London! To you...
London?
Find me a cigarette.
Hello!
Sorry for calling so late.
The booth was out of order, l found a phone
only in the pharmacy where l am now.
Once again, l'm sorry.
And now l'll count,
as Mr President told me to do.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5...
Hello, Roman!
How are you?
Polanski...
What? To London?!
82, 83, 84, 85,
86, 87, 88.
- Excuse me!
- What?
l've already counted. There are
122 people in this queue.
Cheerio!
Wait! Wait!
l will write down!
88 89 121.
All right!
- See you!
- Was it this Polanski, film director?
They all went mad!
Making Burt Reynolds out of me!
Janek wants me to play in his film,
now this one wants me in London.
l have other things on my mind.
They got crazy! And l have to find
some actress for him.
- What actress?!
- A partner for me.
Because l play a Pole
who is in London with his wife.
l have to ask Janek Hochwander.
- He knows so many actresses.
- Teddy Bear!
You can't do it!
You know how jealous he is.
He wouldn't let me go!
l love you, l love you too,
a lot! You know?
Listen,
we should have left one hare...
What the hell for?
Push it.
- ls the hare ready?
- Ready!
- Who are these people?
- The battue.
Village children for the battue.
- lt's a correct concept.
- Yes. Correct concept.
Dress them in pants, take off shoes
and shave the entire company.
l signed a contract to be
a forester with moustache.
And l don't agree to be shaved!
l have my beard from
before the war!
Cover their faces with rugs, so they
look like children with bad teeth.
Then there was no dental care
for children.
- This way it looks ok.
- That's right! Cover with rugs!
What is it?
- Who is it?
- This friend of Hochwander.
- To play the squire...
- l'm Ochodzki.
But what is he wearing?
- This may be taken off.
- That's a correct concept.
The concept is correct but why
is he wearing a Prussian uniform?!
Because this is a Prussian squire.
l have it in my script:
''The Prussian squire is coming''.
Prussian...
His surname is Prussian!
Lawrence Prussian.
The Polish squire!
So l can simply tie him with this.
Take it off. lt's profanation!
lt's a slap in the face
for the entire crew.
Take it easy. lt's a squire
from the time of imperialism.
Don't forget who they palled up with.
Anyway, tell him to take it off.
- The hunters ready?
- Ready!
The battue ready?
Ready!
- Camera...
- Turn it on!
''The Ultimate Sausage of
Count Barry Kent'' - 701!
- And what shall we do now?!
- We have to repeat it.
Repeat? Are you crazy?!
lt's a cat. lt'll always climb a tree!
We can cut this tree.
That's my concept.
l'm here for the concepts,
do you understand it?!
Every issue can be perceived
from two different perspectives.
The truth of times we talk about
and the truth of screen saying:
''Panslavonic pear tree protects in its
boughs plebeian fugitive.''
Do the cut-in shot
of the hare on the pear tree.
No! Change it for a dog!
Let it bark on its persecutors
from the mansion of the squire.
Make it stop meowing.
Charlie perfume, please.
- ''Technical Guide''
- Yes, please. Thank you.
Loin of pork!
300! After tomorrow l'll have
''Speleological Guide''.
- What guide? What is it?
- The liver.
- Thank you.
- Good bye.
Pardon.
Please, stay.
You will be a witness!
Put it here, boys. The door!
- Are you a seller here?
- How can l help you?!
You sold this shampoo, didn't you?
SAMSON. REVlTALlZlNG SHAMPOO
l asked a question!
- l'm not the Holy Ghost!
- How dare you?!
Hair shampoo!
Revitalizing!
Mother of children!
Married for 30 years...
My wife...
And this is.... what is left...
This is what is left...
This is what is left!
- This is what is left!
- Don't do it, Kazio!
Damn you, get out of here,
one after another!
Throwing her locks all over here!
Listen Mister!
lt isn't hairdressing salon!
lt's a newsagent's stand!
l sell meat here!
Have you brought everything?
Yes, but l'm not sure,
if all things are ok...
cause you gave me a form
for business passport.
This way you don't have to pay
for the passport and the ticket!
You'll fly with a business passport,
as a member of the club ''Rainbow''.
With your business passport you
can fly all over the world, butterfly.
Can you keep it with you?
Show me how you look like!
l look like this!
Oh, you, my Teddy Bear...
You sighed the photos
for your sport card.
- Give me your lD as well.
- My lD...
2 coffees and 2 cream cakes.
What else?
Why 2 coffees and 2 cream cakes?
Coffee and cakes are compulsory
for everyone.
We're competing
for the award ''Golden pan''.
OK. Bring us 2 compulsory sets.
- The cloakroom is compulsory too!
- All right.
l lost again...
No, here...
So listen...
Here you have what is in my jacket:
lD, application etc.
lt's a ticket for the cloakroom, 10.
l'll write it for you to remember!
Dear! Add some more water.
l'm so weak today.
l'm telling you...
Miss lwonka, wipe this lipstick off,
or some customer will complain again.
We have to hang a notice to let in
only customers in ties.
A customer in tie
makes less fuss.
l picked up? But you have
my ticket in your hand!
- Take this coat!
- But that is not mine.
The hook with your ticket number is
empty so he gave you the next coat.
But l had my passport and
the lD of this lady in my coat!
You picked up that coat. You said:
''lD and the passport...''
He paid 20 zlotys
for his lost ticket.
But l have it here
so give me my coat!
Stop shouting on my employee!
l'm the manager of this cloakroom!
We don't have your coat
so what will you do to us?
A lout is insisting
but where will l find his coat?
Read it.
WE ARE NOT RESPONSlBLE
FOR THlNGS LEFT lN CLOAKROOM
Why didn't you call the Militia?
Because l'll drive faster to them
than they to me.
- Wait for me. l'll be back soon.
- What about me?
They stole my jacket, not yours.
HEADQUARTERS
OF THE ClTlZEN'S MlLlTlA
Not here.
Don't you know the rules?
Right. When you're pressed
you forget about the regulations.
You're right, Officer.
- Still much left?
- 15 years but l'll appeal!
- So, did you fix it?
- l did what l could.
Bear, Teddy Bear!
Look, look!
They sent it back. They did...
What?
lt seems they stole it again.
No! lt's here.
My lD!
That's great! Listen...
Maybe they sent back my passport too.
Bear, Bear!
Let's go and see!
- There's a letter!
- Really? Open it!
lt's here! You see, they're so honest!
l know more honest people...
That's mad,
why did they send back the cover?
Probably the thief had his own,
a nicer one.
But he didn't have a passport
so will leave the country with mine.
- He'll be caught, you declared it.
- Sure!
Maybe in a year or even later.
''Dear Roman, the trip called off!
Best regards. Rysio.''
l regret very much.
Not for me.
l wanted you to play for Roman.
Bear, Bear, make up something!
You're so wise.
l can't send the telegram!
There's no such city: London!
- There is Ladek, Ladek Zdroj, yes...
- London, a city in England.
Why didn't you tell me?!
l have to look for it,
l have to check where it is.
They stole your passport...
You must steal from someone.
l'll do it!
THE ULTlMATE SAUSAGE OF
COUNT BARRY KEN - Where is my tea?
- Over there, on your desk.
Thank you.
Miss Krysia!
lt's a sick note.
- Thank you, Mr Director.
- What for?
An actor got ill, Ryszard Ochodzki.
He'll be on a sick leave.
Place an ad in a paper. With a photo.
We're looking for a double.
- What happened to him?
- He's in bed.
Dear God!
Take it urgently to the newspaper.
Give this photo too.
- But they're pouring my soup.
- Taxi is waiting! An artist got sick!
ln your age l didn't eat. Take it!
Go! What are you waiting for?
You're a driver for ''The Ultimate
Sausage of Count Barry Kent''?
- Yeah. So what?
- l want a ride.
First to the hotel ''Victoria''.
Wait for me.
l have to eat something finally.
MlLK BAR
- Mashed potatoes with lard.
- No lard today. With jam only.
- All right.
- Miss, could you come over?
- Give me a minute!
- Come back here.
Buckwheat.
Number 78, seat 13, table 3.
What are you digging for?! You're
going to unscrew the plate. Good bye.
Good bye.
Here you have!
- What's your number?
- 78.
Mine is 74 but l went to the loo.
Hey you, watch out!
Horrible boors from all over the world
has gathered here.
Porridge undercooked...
Let's go to the office,
to place this advertisement.
- Sorry, what is this queue for?
- For ''The Ultimate Sausage''.
They won't have anything for me.
What did you come for, ladies?
Because we are so
similar to each other.
All friends in our office
talk about it.
Thank you very much, ladies!
We'll call you.
- They weren't the best.
- Men only...
That's it, only men!
Only men. Sir!
Good morning, good day, hello!
You're asking where l'm from?
l'm jolly Romek!
l live in suburbs in a little hut,
l've got water, electricity and gas!
Soo l'll repeat one more time.
- l'm jolly Romek!
- Take him out!
What? Why?!
l wanted to express myself!
Scram! The end of casting.
For Christ's sake,
send everybody out!
Pay them wages for half a day!
Send them to hell!
Damn! The doubles!
All of them look-likes!
What the devil made me
listen to Rysio. Damn it!
How is it?
Man! Have you got mad too?
You're supposed to be ill!
You're ill. Seriously ill!
This day will cost me 50 000 zloty!
Do you want to go to jail with me?!
lf you're bored, leave!
Pick up mushrooms. Goddammit!
That's a very good concept!
Go and pick up mushrooms!
You're free!
Hello? Rysio,
l'm sorry l have shouted at you.
Sorry for those mushrooms
but stay at home!
Yes! Yes!
Listen.
What mushrooms is he sorry for?
But... l'm at home.
That's very good you're at home!
That's it...
Bring this guy
who was here a moment ago...
That's it... Go!
Miss Krysia, this guy,
who was here, is needed!
He left but we need him.
Send for this gentleman
who was here!
Eh, you!
Go! Faster!
Men in white coats
will come for me...
- We have this man, Mr Director.
- Bring him in!
Good morning, good day, hello!
You're asking where l'm from?
l'm jolly Romek!
l live in suburbs in a little hut,
l've got water, electricity and gas!
So l'll repeat one more time.
l'm jolly Romek!
- What can he know?
- He can know everything!
That's the truth... Everything...
He can do everything!
He placed the advert, he found me
and warned me...
- That's what he said?
- Yeah!
''Go pick up mushrooms,
otherwise we'll both go to jail''!
- Mushrooms now? You know him?
- At all. Never seen!
His face reminds nobody!
But what's the matter?
The 4 tones we stole?
Maybe the 12 tones
from the last week?
Maybe the 8 tones of coke.
Or lofix?
- That's it! The lofix, yes!
- Let's go for these mushrooms!
And on our way let's buy some wine.
l have a daughter, so we have an occasion!
- Again?
- The same as 4 years ago.
Child is a child, you can always
drink for their health!
And what's her name?
ln general,
as a rule we call her Marysia,
but we want to give her
a modern name.
There's such a name...
good for a girl.
What is it?
Tradition!
Bunch of scroungers and morons!
Nobody wants
to move his ass!
l'm getting nuts, spending money,
to have a nice advert to attract
as many people as possible.
Finally we have the double
to play in a film,
and film is the most important art.
And this double for the most
important of all arts you let go!
Apparently he passed...
How many people showed up
for the audition?!
Give me the report book.
Forget women,
the rest must be checked!
- Everybody, in their homes?
- Yes!
- Stop playing the fool!
- We'll lose all night!
We'll find him. l'll drive
for 2 nights but l'll find him!
l want him for the morning.
Morning!
Aren't you coming?
Come here!
Who will adjust the counter?
Boiler room, hello!
Good day, Miss Director.
One, two! One, two, three!
Five, six, seven! Eight!
Please, be quiet for a while!
Admin is calling me!
l'm listening to you, Miss Director.
That's right, Miss Director...
l understand everything...
l understand you are cold,
but it's winter so it's cold!
Miss Director,
this is the eternal law of nature!
lf l heat? l heat and smoke
all the time!
Non stop!
You're welcome.
Best regards for you,
Miss Director!
- Two?
- One, l'm driving.
Shall we start?
Or will we look at each other?
Sign it! Put tomorrow's date.
lt'll be tomorrow!
lt's ok like this!
Show me!
We, the undersigned, after having
checked 538 persons of male sex,
having driven 728 km according
to the counter...
having checked the given addresses,
we certify not to be able to confirm
the presence of the man shown in the photo.
Good.
Sign.
- ln what photo?
- Do you know this guy?
- No.
- So it means you signed the truth.
- Grandma, l'll be the Herod!
- You're too young to play Herod!
- Herod was never young?
- No!
Oh, Jesus! Children!
Pick up these toys. Now!
- Ala, take the bucket!
- What bucket, mummy?
This one. For coal. Run fast...
And a pig trough take too!
Quick children! Where is your father?
He's drunk. He's sleep. Good.
You, old man, wake up! Wake up!
Take the axe! They brought coal!
Coal in the village!
We'll have the war.
Like the last time.
EXPERlMENTAL PLANTATlON
There's one thing l can't understand.
For 2 tons of coal they gave us
a cart full of spruce trees.
- Maybe they needed coal.
- What for?
- To heat in stoves.
- Can't you heat wit a spruce?
lt's even better.
Peasants are ignorant here.
But these guys from the film
they are good in business!
They do!
- l told you that...
- Stopping?
4 hooves and still
asking for the way?!
Living creature feels
that you want to rip it off!
lt's like us. Cannot work
all day long with a dry muzzle.
All right. l'll make it up.
Here. That is your share.
Bottom up!
What? Smell!
The horse is drunk!
Horse? She had a small beer,
l swear. Even half a beer!
On Monday she's going for detox,
they will treat her and she'll be OK.
- Listen.
- l wouldn't' lie to authority!
This horse of yours, she,
she's not only drunk but also dirty!
She's such a slob.
Not always she washes after hard work.
Here you're absolutely right!
What do you think?
What can l tell you?
That you offer us a fine
of 100 zlotys.
You're saying 100 zlotys? All right.
So l add another 100
and together it's 200.
So maybe you would take a spruce,
officer? 230 zlotys each,
this way you make a profit
of 30 zlotys.
Pretty shrub.
Show it to me.
lt's expensive.
Thanks God he didn't ask us about
the trees. We could have problems...
Hey, wait!
Wait! Wait a bit!
Give me one more,
for my brother... will you?
Wait, wait!
What do you mean: give me?
Are we to give it free?
The merchandise costs, no?
All right! Wait, l'm coming back!
Come on, Bob.
Mr Director, my dear,
l saw you in all movies.
ln Polish movies
and foreign and in American.
But this swine,
don't give him even a penny,
or better, send everything to me
because he ran away
to my sister, this bitch
and this is his child.
He was in court and said
he was in prison,
and when l went twice
to visit him in jail...
...so whose child could it be
if not his.
lt's a child of this swine! Bob, confirm,
so that there's no harm for us.
Say, who is it in this photo?
- Daddy.
- Daddy?
Father!
We're looking for Mr Paluch.
- Can l help you?
- Are you Paluch?
Yes, why?
Maybe you have
a brother, Mr Paluch?
Let me introduce myself, gentlemen.
Zdzislaw Dyrman...
in general...
Mr Hochwander, Chrostowicz.
Have a seat!
- We're looking for Mr Paluch!
- Stanislaw, Stanislaw Paluch.
Zosia!
ls Stach there?
Stach!
Militia for you!
My wife... gentlemen...
Zofia!
This is your share for the trees...
You are like one big family,
here on the set.
The truth of time,
the truth of screen.
Your film tells about the painful
truth of imperialism, yes?
Baying pack of hounds and
the sound of popping champagne
can't drown out the sounds
of coming storm.
They can't.
We're trying to render the ambience.
We fully trust the director,
everybody trusts everybody.
l don't want to be controversial.
- Here is a new performer, amateur.
- Amateur?
- Mr Staszek.
- Could you come, Mr Staszek?
First time in the movie.
He can be an example for all of us.
By thanking him, l symbolically
thank the entire crew.
Thank you very much!
4 days l was looking for him.
Didn't sleep or eat.
He's perfect!
This mutual trust
is the basis of our cooperation.
Attention! Dress rehearsal!
Let's start!
You're sad, the hunting wasn't successful,
the hares ran away!
Sorry! Now the lady!
Embrace the lady.
You're crying, crying. Hug him.
Crying on his shoulder!
Yes. That's it.
Now horses!
Be careful, take horses!
Horses. They were unharnessed.
Can horses hear me?!
We're approaching the fire. Now! Panoramic
view of the cauldron... You have it?
Come closer!
The cook! Stir more!
More to have more steam, idiot!
Now you take out the sausages!
Take out the sausages!
The sausages!
The disappearance of these sausages
wreaked havoc. That's a fact...
lt's as plain
as the nose on your face.
We know who is behind it
and who is trying to lure us.
This is why
the disappeared sausages
will close even more our ranks.
That's unbelievable, coal?
Where do you take the coal from?
ln general...
from Wegorzewska Street...
lmpressive.
Aren't you afraid to transport coal?
lt's risky at times...
Well, in general
l always try to have a receipt...
You have beautiful hair.
Maybe... l can't see it...
All that makes us confirm
strongly... and firmly...
We say NO to the hidden gobblers
of the sausages!
The Youth Brigade promises
to be on guard
by freshly bought sausages,
to honour the anniversary of the
establishment of our enterprise.
- 31st anniversary!
- That's it. 31st, round anniversary!
- You forgot the mustard.
- l have the mustard.
Show it!
Oh, hell! Pretty girl!
- An artist from this movie?
- Pretty baby.
- Such are the worst!
- Give it back or l'll crack you!
Stop it. Are you going to fight
for a broad? Like children...
As for this name...
There's a child named Tradition,
who was born recently in Gdansk.
Have a look and read!
After the ceremony in the Wedding
Hall the bride and groom paid a visit
in Trade Union where they were
given wreaths of wedding flowers.
Everybody was touched with
the birth of the
new secular tradition''.
lndeed!
So she was born in the Trade Union?
lt's written, isn't it?
Gee up, you Nag!
- Who was it?
- Stach, your look-like.
This hairy monkey
with a black snout is to be me?!
l came earlier
for that l had nothing to do.
Staszek! Come in!
Oh, sorry, l'm like that...
Thank you, they are beautiful.
You know, these are my favourite.
- And something else...
- Thank you.
Feel at home.
You have to wait a minute.
l'm not ready yet.
You came so early.
- Stach?
- What?
There are my photos on the table,
you may have a look.
Staszek?
l'm sorry,
could you unclog the bath?
You're so strong...
You clumsy, what have you done?!
Luckily it was only a shampoo,
at the same time you washed your hair.
- We're going to the theatre.
- To the theatre? What for?
Staszek, but l work in a theatre.
Sweet Jesus...
The war is on...
Who can sell, will survive.
If l sell black pudding, lard, bacon,
l'll drink some moonshine.
l keep close to my heart
pork fat and loin,
brawn and two smoked hams...
Look, my son.
This is ham!
Ah...
The axe, the hoe, the saw.
Air raids at night, round-ups at day.
The axe, the hoe, the saw.
When are they going to stop?
But people fought with the invader
not only using satire and songs.
But when they lacked ammunition...
When they lacked ammunition,
they sought solace in
lyrics of songs.
Friendly songs, soldier's songs,
simple songs...
Let's listen.
Hey young guardsman,
Fight your sorrows and fears.
ln 30 years on this sand,
A route long, straight and clear
Will lead.
lt will be as wide as the sea
Lazienki Route called it will be.
lt will link two banks together,
Where your father at wartime fell.
Could you move a bit
because l can't see anything.
So go to a doctor,
the one for the eyes!
Mister,
why are you leaning on me like that?
l'm sorry.
Miss Zosia! Could you come?
- What?
- Look at that!
l know what this is.
Before l worked in a different theatre
for 20 years.
A critic wrote once
that while watching the performance
he was tearing all his hair out.
- Do you think it's him?
- No. A different one.
That one had already torn
everything.
Stasiek! You made yourself up
to look like American! Kojak?
- Did it happen to you in that movie?
- No. ln a theatre.
Oh shit!
l would never go to a theatre!
10:0 for Gwardia.
This a summary
of previous episodes.
Lieutenant of the Citizen's Militia,
Lech Rys, takes discrete care
of a bunch of scamps,
showing them the right way.
Thanks to his appropriate advice
he is called The Uncle Good Advice.
Here it is a new task for the
lieutenant: Tomek uses dirty words.
Next episode is titled:
''The butterfly's leg of Tomek Mazur''.
lt has snowed a lot. Butterfly's leg!
There's no bus since a quarter!
Damn feather!
Unbelievable!
How can you use such dirty words?
What am l to say?!
My legs are frozen.
Butterfly's leg!
Well! You see, the climate
was always against us.
But that's not a good reason
to say dirty words.
- We try to explain this to him.
- l'll give you good advice.
The next time, when you have
the hot water shortage,
the heaters are off,
the are no buses
and your friend starts again
saying dirty words,
do you know what to do?
- What?
Pretend you can't hear
what he's saying to you!
- Hooray!
- That's great advice!
- l can imagine his face!
- Excellent advice, Uncle.
Very good advice!
Find the advice for me, Uncle!
lt's childishly simple.
The money from the London bank
can be withdrawn either by
Ryszard Ochodzki or lrena Ochodzka.
Find quickly some lrena,
marry her
and you will have lrena Ochodzka.
lrena Ochodzka...
Teddy Bear...
Now little lrena will...
...kiss little eyes of Bear Rysio.
The right eye of Bear Rysio.
The left...
l'll go. l have the right, don't l?
Terrific! ls it fake or you really
had your hair cut like that?
Terrific, Bear, really.
My baldy, you have to have
it done again.
l know!
You'll have such hair for the wedding.
- What wedding?
- One hour ago you proposed to me?
Hey? You didn't get the joke?
- lt was ajoke?
- What else?
You acted like some idiot!
Couldn't you leave some hair?
l couldn't. How was l to do it?
So if l'm an idiot, you...
You are very wise.
He's a moron.
- How can you deal with him?
- Somehow l can.
Why couldn't l deal?
l don't know. Just asking.
Oh Bear, you grouch.
You silly thing!
What are you thinking about?
That l and him...
Oh, you little dirty thing!
So how do you make it with him?
l told him that yes, of course,
everything is possible,
but only in London.
You liar!
l didn't lie. He won't go
with me to London,
but who will go with me to London?
So what are you doing together?
We are talking.
Oh, tell me,
what exactly tradition is.
He's constantly asking about it.
He says it's some girl.
lmbecile!
Tradition, it is...
something extra.
Extradition?
No, this is when the planes
are hijacked,
when some bandit hijacks a plane,
then we can demand to get it back,
exactly because of tradition...
it's an old tradition.
From the beginning of... aviation.
Extradition.
lt works like that:
if somebody hijacks our cart
and he was caught,
he has to give us back a plane.
Did you get it?
This exactly is tradition.
Becaue they have to give it back!
- A plane?
- Yeah!
- A plane? What for? And a cart?
- They'd give back our cart too!
Good day, Mr President!
Have a seat, dear Sir.
- And what about me?
- He booked before you.
Today, Mr Pawel,
l want you to shave my head.
- Completely?
- Oh, you know, it's an important bet.
All right. l get it.
lt's forbidden to smoke here!
Watch it carefully,
The TV will film it and the newsreel.
Will you manage to attach it
to the helicopter?
l'm the chief consultant
for the artistic matters.
l want everything
to have some expression.
We can attach it. Recently
l put up 3 little houses for Militia.
They were so thankful
they didn't know where to kiss me.
We'll discuss the contract
with the committee.
- You're coming with me.
- OK, coming!
This gentleman will be responsible for the
whole action cause he has a helicopter.
l mean, he can have it
whenever he wants.
Yes, l can have but l need to know
an hour before it.
And the price is competitive,
he'll provide it for 30 grands,
while the official price starts
at 55 per hour.
Here you have to stay
in touch with him...
l have your phone number.
If we need something,
l'll call you,
And then you will call me back.
Why overpaying three times
if we have this guy
and we'll let him earn a bit.
l got straw from Koszalin
from the state farm.
They can give it free for the club.
So it costs us nothing.
l have a surplus of a film tape,
so we make a short movie
and it'll cost us nothing.
So we're more less
180-200 grands ahead.
- Go ahead, tell me...
- This is all.
l found a museum in Olsztynek
which will buy the bear.
And this will give us 150 000 extra.
So what do you say?
Listen! You're trying to
save some meagre
100-200 grands and when we have
a control they'll get us.
Get it into your
economical director's head:
money should be earned legally,
not by some shady practices.
This little chopper rat can fly
for a penny with your wife,
but us, remember this,
we'll rent a helicopter for 10 hours,
paying the full price.
- ''Ten hours'' - literally.
- But it'll cost us few hundred!
We'll pay!
The film will be made officially
and we'll pay.
l got the receipt for the bear,
280 000 - we'll pay.
And we won't sell the bear to
any museum, even for a million!
So, you don't want to earn money?
Tell me... what is this bear for?
- Yes, what for?
- This is it!
Nobody knows. So you don't have to
be afraid that someone asks.
This bear...
it's vital for the whole society.
lt fulfills its dreams.
This is a bear
within our capabilities.
Do you know what we do with this bear?
We open eyes of the doubters.
This is ours, we made it
and this isn't our last word.
And nobody can pick on us
as this bear
was made for the community
by 6 different institutions.
The bear will rot at the end of summer
out there in the fresh air.
- And what will we do then?
- The protocol of damage.
Real money can be earned
only on expensive,
huge investments made of straw.
No, no, no! You can't afford it!
You have to save money.
Listen, Rysio!
Don't be such a demagogue!
When you do your wheeling dealing
everything is ok,
but when l suggest something...
you're giving me a lesson...
lndeed? Tell me one thing and
l'll let you drink the whole bottle.
Give me just a shot!
And your fake brother?
l stopped my film, gave an ad.
lt cost me over 300 000.
- lt cost you?
- Money is money!
Few thousand zlotys for
few hundred uncertain dollars
only if your aunt is generous.
ls it correct?
Janek, avoid mind games with
two different systems of currency.
Let's not behave like merchants.
As consultants we get for the bear
20% from the entire cost.
So the more expensive the...
- Brandy?
- Double, please. l can afford now!
Do you have a big pan?
l have real sausages.
Veal wrapped in lamb.
Lamb skin?
Did you get it
from an antique dealer?
No, from my movie. Just smell it!
Give me some pot!
lt's painful to see,
the way he strains himself,
our president, Ryszard Ochodzki.
All for our club ''Rainbow''.
He's constantly working!
Keeping and eye on everybody.
And some needle him with
their sarcastic remarks.
Bunch of wolves!
lt's me, Jarzabek Waclaw,
2nd class coach.
Long live the president! 100 years!
lt's me again, Jarzabek,
last week l didn't express myself.
l was ill.
l have a sick note.
Woo, boo, doo, boo,
long live the president of our club!
100 years!
lt was Jarzabek singing.
Close the door behind me.
What has happened to you?
When you left, some guy ran into
the room and started reciting
and then singing in your honour.
He did it to the cabinet.
- A song?
- lf only you heard this rubbish...
Woo, boo, doo, boo,
long live the president of our club!
100 years!
- lt's Jarzabek, a good coach.
- You have it recorded?
Not only this.
The conditions during training camp
were good!
Thanks to our president!
The roof wasn't leaking.
Especially as it wasn't raining much.
- What do you have it for?
- Want to see some others?
- Don't they know it's recorded?
- Obviously, they do!
l told them about it.
lf anybody wants to express
their critical comment about me,
or my work, bring some complaint
while l'm not here,
every time they may come and register
what is bothering them.
But they may try to butter you up,
make up to you, blandish...
What for?
Because they and l,
we all care only for our club.
Honesty is the standard in our club!
Sir!
Sir, the door over there!
Welcome Rysio,
you know how much l like you, chap!
l'm struck down by asthma so from dawn
l have to drink this awful stuff!
l brought one like that.
lt's for my grandson.
The boy is fond of sports.
- lt's to motivate him!
- Precisely!
lt's 5:30 pm,
we have to change the pressure.
Come in, you'll have a ride with me.
Press 30!
Yeah... l wasn't sure
what sport he's keen on,
so the inscription is maybe...
not very...
He doesn't do any sport.
What did you write there?
To Marek Zlotnicki...
for taking the first place.
Rysio, l ike you so much, chap!
Listen, Rysio, when you were
getting married to lrena,
you had such sabres above
your heads.
Do you remember? l also
would like to have such sabres.
But we're getting married
only next Tuesday.
OK. Sabres for next Tuesday.
And then of course,
some honeymoon?
This we'll do rather in the winter.
l'm telling you, l've been everywhere.
l'm lazy.
But lrena is flying like crazy.
She brought a beautiful fur
from Leningrad. And now...
- What day is today?
- Tuesday!
So on Friday she's flying to London
to buy something for her wedding dress
or some suit.
You know, women.
- But coming back to this wedding...
- l've just remembered,
there is a letter to lrena, from abroad.
lt came to our old address.
- l think it was from London.
- From London?
- Where do you have it?
- At home...
Or maybe in the club.
- So let's go...
- No, what for? Give me a minute!
l'll bring it myself.
l don' want to bother you Mr Minister.
l'll be back with a letter
in a minute!
Somebody to you.
Quiet. Quiet...
This is our man, Mr President.
ln two days l should have new
collections with hunting animals,
Now l have only singles.
These. French ones.
- l need English.
- l don't have anything interesting.
Here there are some new ones
and the old ones. With envelopes.
Envelopes with stamps?
Yes, they are postmarked.
Sir, with these pipes
it was like that:
in the winter windows fell out.
2 from here, 2 from the 6th floor
and from the 7th two as well.
No, from the 7th one only!
CERTlFlED TRANSLATOR
Bon Jour. Sil vous plait!
Entrez, entrez vous.
Et ou est Piotr?
Pardon, lch keine...
Je parle Polish only.
l'm sorry, Sir,
l though it was my son
with his friend from France.
They are to come from another district,
to take a bath,
because there's no water there...
- All right.
May l ask you to write a letter in English
on this piece of paper, by hand?
- Yes.
- No problem.
And it will go like that...
lrena! The dearest goddess,
every night l dream about your divine body...
...divine body...
- Lifts are off. From 8:00 only.
- But l came to this lift.
This lift is upstairs.
He's relaxing now.
- Some gentleman came to you.
- Let him in.
Sorry, it took so long...
OK, do you have this letter?
Thank you very much.
Jasio!
Take my friend downstairs in a lift.
He wouldn't have to suffer going down.
lt's a simple text,
l'll translate it quickly.
Will you excuse me.
l'm coming back.
l though you wouldn't come,
that you finally have water there.
Comment a va?
- Who will you pretend to be?
- l don't know yet.
Yes, this one. Yesterday precisely
he came back from Geneva.
Speak.
l'm calling from the secretariat...
Yes. Yes.
Hello?
Yes. Yes. Paluch.
Yes.
l made a note.
Of course. Everything.
Miss Krysia!
And Aleksandra Kozel. Yes.
That's very good.
And what about your personal life?
l see.
Congratulations.
lt's a matter of urgency!
Have it done... on the pillows!
l travel across the lands and sees,
Around the globe
With my head held high.
l have Polish passport
Close to my heart.
Where did l take it from,
l'm asking?
l worked it out with pride and pain.
From hard labour of everyday work.
From steel, iron, coal.
Coal means coke...
...the anthracite.
- 80!
- Taken!
Get dressed!
So when shall we leave and how?
- By plane. Would you like a drink?
- Why not...
- Maybe Whisky. English drink it.
- OK. l can try.
Drink it.
The English drink it non stop.
Give me a second glass.
Good morning.
- Merry Christmas, says the meter reader.
- Thank you.
Merry Christmas. Herrings appeared
in shops in Grochow, l heard.
We'll check how much
did you use up.
So in general you have to know
a little bit about it,
for people to know how much to pay.
Until now it was like that,
but now we have a computer.
You can write whatever you want.
lt has no meaning.
Computer?
Yes, it's always wrong
when calculating, Sir.
Single month didn't go by
without a mistake.
Now, you don't have to know
that much about yourjob?
Not any more.
That's much easier, Sir.
Computer.
Excuse me,
l have to go to the bathroom.
Of course.
Sir!
Sir!
You have your computer.
English vodka.
l'll open.
No, thank you, we have one already.
Sir! Sir!
Some guy with a mirror.
l told him we have one already.
Take care of him.
l'll be back soon.
Computer!
Make that carrier take out
the meter reader.
No. Ask the caretaker.
Make him sleep!
- The caretaker?
- No, the carrier!
Sir!
Can you come to me
and take out the meter reader.
All right, coming.
We would like to apologize for the
unscheduled damage and invite
all passengers to the square.
Municipal Transport in connection
with the breakdown of transport
system introduces the slogan:
''To all people of good labour:
a bit of humour and entertainment''
and we invite you to the square.
The tram is stopped for an hour. Few
passengers entered the basement and peed.
And he went
to take our the meter reader.
Ladies and gentlemen!
l welcome you with a traditional good day.
And let me start and present
you the programme.
On that occasion, as a breakdown
is also an occasion,
we would like to present to our
passengers, people of good labour,
as they are...
the artistic programme,
until the breakdown is repaired.
Excuse me,
where did you get this tea?
Oh no...
My daughter sent it from Lomza.
Good morning, good day, hello!
You're asking where l'm from?
l'm jolly Romek!
l live in suburbs in a little hut,
l've got water, electricity and gas.
Don't worry, they'll turn it off!
Bear, he's sleeping like a log.
So what? l'm sleeping because l feel
like sleeping. lt's logical.
- So, Bear?
- Good.
Give me your passport now.
l have to buy tickets for tomorrow!
And you'll watch them here.
And l'll be back soon.
Good morning!
Miss Director, the sausage.
NO TlCKETS
Yes?
My name's Stanislaw Paluch,
l have booked a ticket to London.
Plane to London, 11:05.
4 minutes ago the price has changed.
lt's 11:09.
But l gave you the sausage.
Take it! Take it now!
l'm not going to eat it at all!
You don't want to fly to Tokyo,
so l suggest Melbourne.
lt's a rare ticket, it's valid.
The plane left 3 days ago
and hasn't come back yet.
TlCKET WlTH A DlSCOUN lS THE BEST GlF Excuse me, l've just got
the message, from a hospital,
my wife gave birth to a son, a boy,
so l wanted to send flowers for her
and the ticket for
the baby as a sign of good luck.
- Will you let me in?
- Yes.
Dear... the one to London at 11:05.
The flowers are for you.
- Your lD, please.
- Here you are.
Excuse me, l'm a pediatrician.
l told you... l have a son!
- What's his weight?
- 12 kg.
12? Authorities keep
the correct political course.
- With tickets only, please.
- Thank you.
- But l want to see my mother off!
- Wait a moment!
l'll check in the manual.
Mother.
''Mother can be seen off
by waving from the viewing area.''
''We apologize.
The viewing point is closed.
The nearest open viewing point
in Wroclaw.''
Maybe you could fly?
But you are to have the operation.
- l'm only carrying the suitcases.
- Don't be bothersome.
Bothersome passenger.
''What if your little son was leaving
with a group of 100 children
and every parent would like to enter?
Can you imagine the crowd? You see?
Don't tell me you don't have a son.
You soon can have one!
Check if the passenger
is not a priest.''
- Excuse me, l have my ticket.
- Come here!
- What's up?
- Would you like a ticket?
- What?
- Do you need a ticket?
Lufthansa, Boac, Swiss Air,
Air France...
- But they aren't valid !
- Valid for entering the airport!
lt's like a platform ticket.
Domestic or foreign?
Can l enter with it?
OK... give me a domestic one!
- 40 zlotys.
- How much?
40. Foreign tickets are cheaper,
30 zlotys...
With a LOT ticket
you'll enter everywhere.
Keep in a cover, don't destroy.
You'll use it for 2 years.
Excuse me, what time today
does this plane at 11:05
fly to London?
How can l know?
Probably at 13:00!
- Could you...
- Just a moment!
''Passenger Stanislaw Paluch
is requested for immediate boarding.
Mutual friendship and trust are the
basis for the proper functioning
of a basic social cell - family.''
Passenger Stanislaw Paluch.
Please...
Thank you.
- 30th plenum of the ''ZENUM''.
- Excuse me?
That's how we call a day,
when all planes leave on time
and then it's so messy
that we are late with everything!
- Hey, you, latecomer...
- 30th plenum of the ''ZENUM''.
Yeah, yeah!
And that letter which you
prepared and planted?
Wladek got upset and told:
''On Friday you're not flying''.
So l said:''OK. On Fiday l'm not.
l'm flying on Thursday''!
Obviously he sent a guy
to watch me.
He's sitting there, reading a paper?
lt means he's working...
lmpressive,
they gave you a passport...
Eli? lt's me! l'm calling you because
l can't talk to you.
There are few people at my place.
No, you don't know them.
Foreigners.
lf you would like some wine,
please, help yourself, Jerry.
No, l was saying to a friend.
- And what now?
- Partnership.
- What can l offer you?
- l accept.
You see, vulture?
You lost.
Loosing with you is like winning.
My dear,
could you explain it to me?
Should l fill it in English?
Could you help me?
l'm giving out sweets!
- l'll help you.
- Yes, please.
Surname, name, occupation, address...
- Do you have alcohol?
- Eau de cologne only.
- That's it.
- Thank you.
Look.
Well, well...
Heroine hidden in the
Ryszard Ochdzki's luggage.
This lady told me that l filled in
everything correctly.
What do you think?
Let's search it.
201! Chamberlain speaking...
Yes.
Attention please!
A person who found
a page with the British visa
from the Polish passport
is kindly requested to contact
an lmmigration Office.
l think this is an unhappy woman
with mental problems.
She says, her husband, Ochdzki...
There's no-one of
that name on board.
As soon as we receive
a confirmation of your visa,
you will be free to go.
Yes, but have you
stopped my husband?
He destroyed my passport!
- You must arrest him!
- Yes, of course.
But a passport is just
a piece of paper.
Just a piece of paper.
But unfortunately you won't
be able to see your husband,
he will be detained for
an attempted smuggling
of 80.000 GBP worth heroine.
God, l'm an idiot.
What have l done...
- Have you got smoked ham?
- Sure. This one?
Very juicy.
Good Lord! Dear Ryszard...
How did you arrive...
...here? What a surprise.
You'll stay till Christmas.
You have to stay with us.
So sit down, please and tell me!
The news! The news!
News like news, dear Mr Jan!
The most important is that
you are healthy, thanks God.
And hopefully it will last!
l rush so much
to pick up my box
because l want to go to the bank
with a cheque before they close it.
- You have to eat something.
- l'm not hungry.
- Nobody touched it.
- l know, well.
l'm taking my cheque book,
l'll come later, Mr Jan so we'll talk.
l'd forget the most important thing.
The pebble you asked about.
l brought it from Jelenia Gora.
- From Jelenia Gora?
- From Jasna Gora, the sanctuary.
You know who walked on it.
l'm putting it here.
Dear Mr Jan...
We'll have time tonight to talk
about old Poles. See you...
- But...
- Tonight! Tonight!
l am sorry, l can't cash your check.
l don't understand what
you're telling me,
but l can show you
my documents. Here you are.
My lD. You see. l have it here.
You can check.
Ryszard Ochodzki. Can you see it?
lt's me.
Do l look the same? The same
signature? Check it, please.
Look, sir...
Give it to me. l won't eat it.
- Moment. Pass him to me.
- Can you speak English?
Translate this hammerhead
Because l don't understand anything.
Speak!
Yes?
l've been trying to explain...
Of course, he wants to speak with you.
Yes?
- They are on strike.
- Strike?
Yes. lt's too dark in the office.
And they are on token strike.
lt'll end at 2 o'clock.
8 minutes will save you! Bureaucrat!
You have a strike... My ass!
What an absurd.
You are completely spoilt!
- Long time ago?
- Half an hour ago.
- Are you sure it was him?
- You think l wouldn't recognize him?
lt's 2 pm. The end of strike.
You can cash your check now.
Good morning!
l... would like to...
my money... my money...
Put in... your bank...
An account with a password...
Fersteien?
Why not fersteien?
We understand everything.
Have a seat, please, and wait.
We'll take care of everything.
Mr Jan,
l have such a favour to ask you.
l can't explain it on the phone.
Briefly, could you send such
a telegram to my address in Poland?
Unfortunately l can't come...
l can't come, dear boys.
Kisses for you both. Auntie.
l understand, auntie! That's right!
- Do you have it?
- lf l have what?
- The tickets!
- Tickets! Of course, l don't!
5 hours of standing in a queue, they
closed the counterjust before me.
Thanks God!
You would frame me.
- Do you know what happened?
- What?
Don't talk so much, just help me
take him out, we must take him out.
Why?
- What happened?
- Don't talk that much. Open the car!
Open! You know,
they almost arrested me.
Why? What has happened?
Militia is looking
for this Stach Paluch of yours.
- But they gave him a passport.
- Right!
Don't forget after whose call
they gave him... a passport.
YOUR HEART REMlNDS YOU
lT'S HEALTHlER TO WALK
- Brother goes to the Army?
- Get lost! You fool!
- Good night, my prince...
- Why prince...
A friend from the theatre
has such a saying.
l don't know why.
Today in the afternoon
in Warsaw
new secular tradition has been born:
The Day of Walking Passenger.
This day certainly will enter
our calendar for good.
lnhabitants of Warsaw celebrated this
new gift from tram drivers
with dances and fun. Festivities of
The Day of Walking Passenger
will be closed with
fireworks display.
Drink, there are
greater misfortunes.
- lf you want, l'll buy you a fur...
- A real one?
Real...
Professional basketball players
arrived to Warsaw,
to take part in few
showpiece matches. We saw it.
Show is a show,
but with a basketball and sport
it has less and less in common.
lt's a bit of circus, a bit of fun,
but generally,
it is making fun of us.
These black men are incredible!
Well, not in that meaning but
in general. Look how he's moving!
Do you know that when l was young,
l was black and played basketball too.
Seriously.
This is what l did. Look!
This is what l did.
But then l stopped.
Teddy Bear...
l just think sometimes:
is love at all possible in life.
- ls there anything like that?
- Love?
Yeah, love...
ls it possible at all...
On TV they often show love, some
people make love or talk about it.
That's what l think,
in life it's impossible.
There... someone... is hanging!
lt's a toy made of straw.
They talked about it on TV.
They said it would fly. Look!
Which TV? Yours...
You talk rubbish!
lt's such a tradition, new one,
it'll fly like that!
What do you mean fly?
lt's hanging on some cord or wire.
Good morning!
ls this cart for transporting people?
We're going to the lake to catch fish
for Christmas Eve.
Your lD, please,
and the a cart driver's licence.
What is it?
Passport!
First day after Christmas the latest
you should bring it back!
All right. You can go now!
Why should l bring it back?
- You came back from abroad?
- Did l?
- From abroad?
- What do you mean? You were in England!
Don't play a fool. You can go!
- That's right!
- Where have you been? ln England?
- Why didn't you say a word?
- He's not a chatterbox at all.
- A bloke doesn't have to talk!
- How long?
- One day.
- So short.
Man, it's tough.
They drink such red vodka on mice!
- So they drink more than here?
- Much, much more.
You drinkjust a small shot
and you stay unconscious for two days.
Gosh!
Sleep, my dear, sleep.
ln the whole universe,
You are my king,
My little son.
l will wrap you warm,
l will feed you too,
Before the Christmas night
Comes over the whole world.
Don't cry for the future,
When you are hurt and poor.
Sleep, my dear, sleep...
Tradition, come here to daddy!
Don't soak your little shoes!
She can't have this name,
Tradition!
- Why not?
- You're asking why!
Because you can't call
anything tradition.
And you can't order it and enact
by any special resolution.
Who thinks differently is like
a blown out candle outside in the sun!
Tradition is an old oak which
grew up for thousands of years.
Don't compare this little sprout
with a mighty oak!
The tradition of our history
is like a fortified wall.
These are carols, Christmas supper,
singing of the people,
the tongue of our forefathers,
our history which we can't change.
And things which emerge around us,
it's our everyday life,
life we live.
Fall asleep my dear,
Close your little eyes,
Dream about the whole world,
Dream about this land.
May it be a land
Of peace and good,
Land of justice,
Generous for everyone.
Loo, lee, lay, it's a beautiful song
Played on a flute, on a flute.
Thousand stars are shining there
For my little son.
Sleep, my dear, sleep.
ln the whole universe,
You are my king,
My little son.