Miss Dial (2013) Movie Script
Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs,
my name is Erica.
Which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling about today?
I just, I just opened up a can
of your tomato soup and there is
a big fat rat turd right
in the middle of the soup.
Well, I am very sorry
to hear that sir,
I can help you with that today
but first, I just need to
verify a few things.
First of all, are you sure the
foreign particle in question
is a rat dropping?
While rare, sometimes bits
of meat can contaminate
our vegetarian soup products.
It's a rat turd. Okay?
Do you want me to
send it to you?
Do you want to taste it and
see if it's a stray piece
of prime rib, or do you want
to go ahead and trust me
that there is in fact
a piece of rodent shit
in the middle of my soup?
That won't be necessary, sir.
There is no need to preserve
the can in question,
you can go ahead and dispose of
it and I can send you a coupon
for a free replacement
can of soup.
How does that sound?
That sounds pretty
God damn weak!
You know, rats caused
the plague, you know?
I could sue you.
I'm very sorry for
your inconvenience.
Because of your extreme
circumstances, I can offer you
a coupon for a dozen cans of
soup, one each month for a year.
Would that be satisfactory?
Yeah, I guess,
fine, whatever.
Great.
Let me just take down your
information and we can
get that right out to you.
Please hold.
Yeah, I heard there's mercury
in these light bulbs.
There is a trace amount of
mercury used in the manufacture
of our compact
florescent bulbs,
but there's no danger
to consumers.
Is your bulb damaged or broken?
I don't think so.
Which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling about today?
Yeah, hi, um, my, my popcorn
setting, it's, uh,
it's still burning my popcorn.
I can help you with that,
but first, I need to ask you
a few questions.
Did you remove the popcorn
bag from the plastic wrapper?
Oh...
Um, let me call you back.
Is the toilet bowl
cleaner safe for animals?
Excuse me?
My dog keeps drinking the blue
water and I think it might be
making him sick, he keeps
foaming at the mouth.
How do I know if
the makeup is working?
This pizza is not as
good as delivery pizza.
How do I make my eyes pop?
See, I'm having a little
situation with
your instant glue.
This TV gets the same
channels as my old TV.
What color goes on my T-zone?
In my day, you could buy a whole
barrel of pickles for a nickel.
It says layer to desired result.
How do I know when I'm there?
Which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling
about today?
I'm calling
about my crockpot.
Pet Lovers
dry cat food mix.
The 18 volt shop-vac.
The Ready Made
Nachos pack.
Mini pizza bagels.
Hemorrhoids cream.
The DVD player.
The plant food.
I can help you with that.
Yeah, um, I put the Blu-ray
disc in and nothing happens
for like ten minutes
before it plays.
CPI's Blu-ray players actually
have some of the best load times
in the industry but as Blu-ray's
a new technology, advances are
being made every day to provide
innovative new features,
interactive online play and
improved disc access time.
That's improved?
So it's supposed to suck?
Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs,
my name is Erica.
And which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling about today?
Hi, I'm calling about
your lawn mower!
It just cut off my toe!
Sir, you need to hang up
the phone and call 911!
I can't...
Your number was on the lawn
mower so I called you
and I don't know what to do.
I'm starting to panic,
I'm losing a lot of blood here.
What do I do?
Are you crazy?
How long have you
been waiting on hold?
What do I do?
Can you tell my mom
I love her, Erica?
Hang up the phone
and call 911 now!
Listen to me, hang
up and call 911!
Gotcha!
Get a life,
you little shit.
You sound cute.
What's up?
And which one of
our fabulous products
are you calling about today?
I'm calling about
all of them, ma'am.
Yeah, 'cause I know CPI's
working with three of the five
branches of Government.
I know that you're trying to
brainwash the American people
with your frozen foods, and your
TVs and your foot creams
so that no one questions the
International Monitory Fund's
takeover of our civil liberties.
How ya like me now?
Hello?
Hey hun, what's up?
Not much.
What's going on
with you?
Uh, some guy called
me a whore today.
Wow.
How did he know?
Yeah, oh and some lady wants me
to meet her grandson in Dallas
who is, uh, very nice and
has almost total mobility.
Well, did you
talk to him yet?
Him who?
Him who?
Him Alex!
Uh, not yet.
You really need
to confront him.
It's not that simple.
Erica.
I didn't see anything.
Sara saw them together
with her own two eyeballs.
Yeah, well, just because
they're having lunch
doesn't mean they're
sleeping together.
Okay... You poor,
dumb bastard.
Okay, fine... So what
am I supposed to say?
Oh, uh, hi sweetie, how's
your day, and by the way
are you sleeping with
that skank, Amanda?
Works for me.
You just don't like Alex 'cause
of what he said about your butt.
This has nothing to do with
that, and for the record,
I just want you to know
that I have never had
any complaints
about this ass.
Men have eaten
Har Gow off this ass.
Gross.
Oh, look, it's my
boss, I gotta go.
Okay, take it, but you
need to talk to Alex,
be strong,
do not wimp out.
Okay, I'll call you
later, okay?
Bye.
Bye.
My ass is awesome.
Hi, Mr. Koffsky.
Hey... my computer says
that you're offline.
I know,
I took a break.
Uh-huh... You're not
scheduled for a break
for another
I know... I, uh, had
to go to the bathroom.
I had some bad
nachos last night.
Look, Erica, I don't need to
tell you, we let go of, what,
three Consumer Affairs reps
in the last few weeks and that
means that the people that still
have jobs need to pick up
the slack so more volume
means less time for breaks.
I know, I'm sorry, I'm going
back online right now.
Good, good, because you know
the economy's tough and there
are people out there who
would kill for your job.
I know.
See, I'm online.
Good... then why are you
still talking to me?
Right.
Welcome to CPI Consumer
Affairs, this is Erica.
Yes, my name is Jeffery
Smith-Jones with a hyphen,
and I'd like to know why I can't
get Caribbean Jerk pizza
in the UK?
I mean, it's not like it
really comes from Caribbean.
No, of course not.
Our products are being
introduced into new markets
every day.
Check back on our website for
availability in your area.
Hi Erica.
I think I found a bone in
one of your chicken nuggets.
I almost broke my tooth!
I can help you with that.
I'm sorry our product did not
meet up to your expectations.
Okay... Um, right.
I can get that coupon
out to you right away.
Okay, right.
Have a great day, sir.
Thank you, good-bye.
Hey.
Hey...
What's up, baby?
Where you been all day?
Right here, working.
So, uh, you
coming over later?
I don't know.
What's the
matter, baby?
Look, I think
we need to talk.
Oh no... here we go.
No, it's not like
that, it's um...
What's the matter?
Am I not tuning into
your feelings again?
No, it's not that.
It's just... I don't
know how to say this.
Let's just cut to
the chase, okay?
Okay...
Well, someone saw you with
that girl from your work,
um, Amanda something.
Who saw me?
Your friend Samantha
with the fat ass?
No, it was
someone else.
Look, it doesn't
matter who, it just,
she saw you having
lunch with Amanda.
So, what, am I not allowed
to have lunch with someone
I work with now?
She said it
looked suspicious.
Uh, I'm sorry, how exactly do
you eat lunch suspiciously?
Hmm? Educate me on this.
Was I making a shifty
eye motion or did a man
in a trenchcoat drop off
a brief case at my table?
Look, I think Sara knows
the difference between
a business lunch
and something more.
Okay, you know, Erica.
You got me, okay?
You got me.
I have been boning Amanda
and afterwards, I thought
that we'd have lunch
in a public place
so that everyone could
see me groping her tits.
Oh and did your friend Sara
tell you that I left
a used condom
in the booth?
I meant to grab it,
just didn't have time.
Just tell me.
Are you cheating on me?
I thought that
you trusted me.
Just tell me!
I can't believe you
need me to say it.
So the answer's no?
Baby... I would never cheat
on you and you know that.
Okay.
You know, I should
really be...
I should be mad
at you right now.
Your friend Samantha is
an instigating troublemaker.
She's just
looking out for me.
The same way your
friends look out for you.
No, she's
a nosy bitch.
She's my best
friend, Alex.
Oh, so I suppose after we hang
up, you're probably gonna
call her and tell her that
I just called her a bitch.
You guys being best
friends and all.
No, I'm not.
Look, uh, I gotta jump so
I want you to think about
what just
happened, okay?
And I want you to call me later
when you're on your way over.
Okay, so he totally denied
everything, of course,
I mean, but I don't
know anymore.
I mean, maybe, maybe
he's telling the truth.
I mean, is it possible
the lunch was innocent,
I mean, Sara didn't really see
anything incriminating, did she?
Who is this?
Oh... I'm sorry, uh,
I must have miss dialed.
Well, hold up, wait a second.
You can't leave me
hanging like that.
Excuse me?
Was the lunch really innocent?
I mean, what did Sara see?
I need details.
Uh, it, it, it's... it's this,
uh, this stupid thing.
Where are you calling from?
L.A. You?
Fayetteville, North Carolina.
Seriously?
Yes, ma'am.
Wow.
That's a pretty big miss dial.
So you're not gonna tell me
all the sordid details?
Uh, well, maybe if
I knew you better.
What do you want to know?
Uh... okay, um...
Well, first, I'm gonna have to
get some basic information.
Coming back from my
second tour of duty,
I'm a Sergeant in the
Army, 1st Battalion 508,
the Parachute
Infantry Regiment.
I have no idea
what that means.
Uh, we fight
the bad guys.
Yeah okay,
I got that part.
So did you ever
kill anybody?
Yeah, actually.
Oh... I'm, uh, sorry,
I didn't, I didn't mean.
No, that's all right.
This past July, my company
was in the village of Jaukar
in the Badghis Province,
the 2nd Platoon was ambushed
by Taliban militants.
Holy shit.
Yeah, that's
what we said.
We fought our way out of the
village under heavy machine gun
and RPG fire for six hours
'til we were able to link up
with the rest
of the battalion.
What happened?
Well, we counterattacked from
the East while Alpha
attacked from the West,
we swept across the flank,
completely over run 'em.
Did anyone die?
Yes, ma'am.
Killed 33 militia
men that day.
Did, did you kill
anyone personally?
Yes ma'am.
What about Americans?
Did anyone
on our side die?
No ma'am.
Not that day.
Wow, that's amazing.
I don't actually know anyone
who's in the military.
Really?
I don't hardly know
anyone who isn't.
Well, now you do.
Yeah...
I guess I do.
Oh, um, look, I have
to get back to work.
Well, it was nice
talking to you.
You should miss
dial more often.
You stay safe, okay?
Yes, ma'am.
You too.
Welcome to CPI Consumer
Affairs, this is Erica,
and which one of
our fabulous products
are you calling
about today?
Hello Erica, I'm calling
about your microwave popcorn.
Great, what seems
to be the problem?
Well, there's no problem at all
if my name was Albert Einstein
but it's not.
Did you remember to take the
bag out of the plastic wrapper?
Do you really think
I didn't do that?
Come on now.
That's not my problem.
I'm trying to calculate
how many calories
are in the bag
of popcorn.
Well, the nutritional
information is on the package.
Oh yeah!
Look at that,
it's right there!
You really don't think
I thought of that?
Well listen, since you have
so much mouth, answer me this,
serving size two tablespoons
unpopped, 110 calories;
but wait, it also says
one cup popped, 20 calories.
Yeah, yeah, that's because that
most of the oil used for popping
isn't consumed, it just
remains in the bag.
Oh, so you have all
the answers today, huh?
You're just Miss Answer Lady,
aren't you?
Okay, well answer me this, it
says a serving size is two cups
of popped popcorn, 120 calories,
and one bag of popcorn makes
six and half cups popped, but
two tablespoons is 110 calories,
and how many servings
are in a bag?
You know what?
I'm gonna have to transfer
you to my supervisor
'cause I don't want to give
you the wrong information.
So, you know let's get an
expert on the line, hmm?
Thank you.
Please hold.
Hello?
Hi! Hi! My name is Erica,
and I'm just calling to -
Nope.
Hello?
Jerk.
Hello?
Hi, my name is Erica and,
uh, I'm not selling anything
and I'm not calling to
get anything from you.
So why are you calling?
I don't know really.
No, actually that's not true.
I'm, uh, okay maybe this is
gonna sound really weird,
but I'm just calling
to talk to someone.
You're not sitting in a bathtub
with slashed wrists, are you?
No, although I did
just take 40 Xanax.
I'm just kidding, it's a joke.
No, I'm, uh, I'm not
suicidal, I'm not lonely,
I'm just trying to,
uh, I don't know,
connect with
another human being.
Is that so wrong?
No, no that's not wrong.
I, when I was younger we used
to do it back in my day only,
only back then, we called it
"taking a chance. "
Yes!
That is exactly what
I'm talking about.
So where are you from?
I was born and raised
in Brooklyn, New York.
Really?
Um, are you married?
Depends.
What do you look like?
Oh, alright yes, 57 years,
five kids, 17 grandchildren
and one great-grandkid
that keeps beating me
at computer bowling.
You play Wii bowling?
I love Wii bowling!
Yeah but what are you
really passionate about?
I mean, there must be something
you just love, love, love,
you know what I mean?
I think I could be an artist.
I mean, more like an animator.
I really like to draw like
cartoons and scenes
and stuff, you know.
Yeah, yeah,
you should do that.
Do what you love!
But what if, I don't know,
I'm not good enough?
Yeah, but what if you are?
So, what is the most
embarrassing thing
that's ever happened to you?
God, this is, this is
like you're my therapist.
So, um, what are you wearing?
Eh...
Well, how often do you see them?
Not very often.
My son lives in Omaha now and
my daughter lives in Tucson
with her husband.
Well, what about
the holidays?
Do you get
together then?
We used to, but Bobby lost
his job last spring and
Amy's working two jobs now
to make ends meet.
They can't afford to
take time off to see me.
Maybe you could
go and see them?
I mean, I'm sure a train ticket
to Omaha isn't that much money.
No, it's not the money.
Because I could help you out
if it's just the train ticket.
Oh, sweetie, that's so nice
of you, but the truth is,
they've got their
own lives now.
I don't want
to be a burden.
We talk on the phone,
that's plenty for me.
Really?
Hey, maybe you could
surprise them for Christmas.
No.
It's alright, besides
I've got Bill my Corgi.
Well, it sounds like
Bill is a very lucky dog.
Sweetie.
Like two people could even fit
in that dirty, disgusting space.
Hold on...
Oh shit, it's my boss, um,
I've gotta take this call.
It was awesome talking to you.
Yeah, well, you've
got my number,
let's talk again some time.
Okay, great, okay, bye.
This is Erica.
Yes, Mr. Koffsky?
Yeah, what the heck is
going on over there?
Uh, what do you mean?
Uh, your queue is
like a mile long
and it's getting
longer by the minute.
Uh, what? No.
No, no it's not.
My screen is
showing no calls.
I mean, it's been
quiet here.
I was actually gonna call you
to ask if the network was down.
Great.
You're serious, right?
You don't see
all these calls?
No.
Oh wait, look there it goes.
Now it's back online.
I think the system was
offline for some reason.
You know what,
I see the calls now.
Wow, wow, you were right.
Okay, I guess that wasn't your
fault, but I'm glad I called.
Look if, if you think the
network is down again,
then call me
right away, okay?
Okay, you bet,
you bet.
I'm sorry
about that, sir.
You know, by the way, I think
the Consumer Affair Manual's
a little
dumb sometimes.
I mean, yesterday I got a call
from a young girl who was asking
how to use a tampon and the
script told me to ask her
if she was pregnant.
I mean, who wrote
this manual?
Okay then.
Okay, sir, bye.
One more.
One more and then back to work.
Let's call... New York City.
Hello?
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, uh, you don't know me
and I'm not selling anything,
I'm not crazy and this
isn't a prank call.
I'm just calling people
today to talk, you know,
I mean, I'm not lonely
or suicidal, I just,
I'm just kind of having fun
connecting with people.
You know, making a connection
with real people.
Um, yeah, so you know
maybe, I don't know,
meet someone new,
make a friend.
What's your name?
Erica.
Kyle.
Kyle.
Hi, Kyle.
Hi, Erica.
So, um, what do you
want to talk about?
Hmm? Like, uh...
Your most embarrassing
secrets, childhood memories,
what's the most famous
movie you've never seen?
How long you been
doing this?
Doing what?
Calling people.
Uh, I don't know,
a couple of hours.
Why?
You think I'm
totally crazy, right?
No, no, actually, I think
it's kind of genius.
So tell me about you.
Uh, me?
What do you
want to know?
I don't know,
what'd you do?
Um, I am a Consumer
Affairs Rep for CPI.
Okay.
It's kind of like,
it's like customer service,
actually all CPI's Consumer
Affairs Reps work freelance
so I actually work out of
my home talking on the phone
to people all day.
Oh, it's all starting
to make sense now.
Yeah.
So, how does that work?
The calls get routed to
your cell or something?
No actually.
It's this whole
complicated network.
The calls come in through
my laptop and then I have
a headset and
everything, so...
Oh... Like the
Time Life operator.
Uh, wait a minute.
How old are you?
What?
No, you know the commercials
with the, they aren't that old!
Those are like from
the '80s or something.
You knew what I meant.
Alright so, um, why does someone
call CPI Consumer Affairs?
Um, okay.
Have you ever noticed how on
like every package of every
product ever made there is
a number, like questions,
comments, complaints,
call 1-800-blah blah -
yeah, that's me.
So they call me and then
I ask them questions about
what product they're calling
about and um, I have,
my computer takes me through
a script so I can deal with
whatever questions
they may have.
Oh. Like what?
I don't know, like, uh,
nutritional information
or a complaint about something
that doesn't taste right
or sometimes like
how to use things.
Oh, okay.
Actually, sometimes I just
get a lot of really
dumb people who call.
Like, this one time this,
yeah, this woman called
and literally wants to know
how to heat up a can of soup
and so I'm asking her
all the questions, right,
and it takes about 20 minutes
before I realize she's actually
put the can in the pot.
The actual can?
The actual can.
So then I have to talk
her into, you know, turning
the stove down, not touching
the can because it's too hot,
so now, that is why everywhere
you see a can, it says,
empty contents
into saucepan.
That's not
a real story.
I swear to God.
No.
So wait, I'm talking to
the empty contents girl?
That's me.
Empty contents girl.
Oh wow.
I am honored.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yeah.
So what do you
do for fun?
Um, let's not talk
about me anymore.
Tell me something
about you.
You don't like to talk
about yourself...
That's rare.
No, I don't mind
talking about myself.
But deep down, you're
more of a listener.
Um, yeah, I never really
thought about it that way.
I mean, yeah,
maybe you're right.
Do you actually like, uh,
listening to other people talk
or are you just too guarded
to talk about yourself?
Okay, are you gonna send me
a therapy bill or something?
Just go ahead,
ask me anything.
Okay, well,
what do you like?
I mean, what
makes you tick?
Uh, you mean is Consumer
Affairs my life's ambition?
No. I mean,
I like other things.
Like bungee jumping
and spelunking?
No.
More like watching "Dancing With
The Stars" and eating ice cream.
Ooh, wow, you are
a thrill seeker!
I like exciting
stuff too.
Like what?
I do, I don't know.
What do you do
that's exciting?
Come on.
Lots of things.
Like what?
Like archery.
See now we're
getting somewhere.
Archery.
Yep, actually, I was almost
on the Olympic team.
No! In Beijing?
No, uh, Athens, 2004.
Oh, how cool.
Yeah, I missed making
the team by two points.
Oh, that sucks.
Yeah, well...
So did you, uh, did
you try again in 2008?
No, I mean, it was really
something I was doing while
I was in college and afterwards
it was too much of a hassle
to get to
the range so...
So you just,
you gave up?
You make it sound like
I'm a quitter or something.
Like archery was
my life's dream,
I mean, it was
just a hobby.
But you were good at it.
Uh, yeah.
And you liked it?
Yeah... yeah.
You have a boyfriend?
Ah, see, I was wondering
how long it would take
before you got to that.
Come on now, I'm just
trying to communicate
with another
human being.
If we can't be honest
with total strangers,
who can we be
honest with?
Uh, it's complicated.
Uh-oh.
See, now I'm
very interested.
Uh, yes, I have a boyfriend but
I think he's cheating on me.
Go on.
Can we talk about
something else?
What? You don't know me
well enough to talk about
your cheating boyfriend?
My maybe cheating
boyfriend, and no,
no, I don't know you
at all actually.
Okay, well, maybe we can
do something to change that.
Let's see, ah, I gotta
go with "Star Wars. "
"Star Wars" what?
That is the most famous
movie I have never seen.
Are you kidding me?
No.
Who are you?
Everyone has
seen "Star Wars. "
I know, I know,
it's weird.
Maybe I'm just waiting for the
right person to see it with.
Whoa, does that line
actually work for you?
Do you like that?
It didn't work?
That was my best stuff.
Oh, look I gotta go.
I've got like, my queue
is beeping at me
and I have like
I'm probably gonna get fired
when my boss realizes
the network isn't
really down.
Would you call me back?
Uh, I don't know.
I have a whole list of
strangers I haven't called yet.
I got your number on caller ID,
can I... can I call you back?
Okay... Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Alright, see ya.
Alright, bye.
Bye.
Ah...
Kyle.
Okay.
Welcome to CPI Consumer
Affairs, my name is Erica.
Which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling
about today?
Oh yeah, hi!
I'm just calling about
this shredded cheese
that I just bought.
It says it's limited
edition cheddar.
Uh, that's right.
Our New York Cheddar shredded
cheese is available
for a limited time.
Yeah, but why?
I mean, I really like it and uh,
it's not like I can stock up,
it's cheese, it's not
gonna last forever.
You know, let me check to see
when the New York Cheddar
is available until.
Ah, good news, sir!
The New York Cheddar is
scheduled to be available
until next May.
Yeah, but what
happens after that?
Can I like petition CPI
to continue making
the New York Cheddar?
Uh, well, I can take down your
information and pass the word
onto the people who decide which
cheeses to make and if enough
people call, I'm sure they'll
continue to make it.
Yeah, yeah, okay!
It's worth a shot.
Okay great, so let me
get your information
and we can also send you
a coupon for a free bag
of New York Cheddar
shredded cheese
for providing us with
this valuable feedback.
Oh, okay. Great!
Hey.
What'd he say?
Who?
Hello! Alex.
You were supposed to call me
after you talked to him.
Oh, oh my God.
I'm so sorry,
I forgot.
Well actually, I tried to call
you but I miss dialed and I got
a wrong number and long story
short, I have been talking
to strangers on
the phone all day.
Isn't that what you
sort of do every day?
No.
I mean, yes, but these
are strangers I call.
I mean, I've been meeting
people over the phone.
What's wrong with you?
It's actually
kind of fun.
I'm having real
conversations with them.
Okay, Erica, I'm gonna
need you to focus here.
Did you or did you
not speak to Alex?
Yeah, yeah I did.
He said it was nothing and
that I'm being paranoid.
I'm supposed to go over
to his place tonight.
Are you kidding me?
He said the lunch
was business related.
Sara saw them, it was
not business related.
But what did he
do specifically?
I mean, did he kiss her?
Are you freaking
kidding me right now?
Are you taking his side?
Well, uh, you've obviously
been biased against Alex.
I mean, you've
never liked him.
Do you think I have
some sort of agenda?
I am your best
friend, okay?
I am doing this so that you
could one day possibly be happy.
I know, I'm sorry.
You deserve
someone great.
You are a fabulous human being
and Alex never acknowledged that
and that, my friend, is why
I do not like him and that is
also why you should dump
his sorry, flat ass.
I know, you're right.
I just, I mean, what
if he is cheating? Hmm?
I mean, I dump him
and then what?
I start dating again?
I just don't if I can
do that all over again.
I'd much rather be alone than be
with someone who didn't love me.
Yeah.
Uh, listen I've gotta,
I've gotta take care of
some of these calls.
Uh, I'm seeing him tonight
and I'll see how it goes.
Better not
sleep with him.
Okay, hun, I'll
talk to you later.
And you better call
me right afterwards.
Bye.
Welcome to CPI Consumer
Affairs, my name is Erica.
Which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling about today?
Hi, so here's the story.
I'm walking my dog, Ricky, and
he's got like the loose poops,
you know, not so loose that you
gotta like bring out the hose
or something but loose, right.
Okay.
I'm trying to pick it up and
it's hard because it's loose
and it's like oh, oh, it's kind
of runny, like whatever.
So, oh and by the way,
I'm talking to my girlfriend Amy
and she's just going on and on
and on and on about her sister
who's like a raging bitch.
She's like ah,
she's a fat cow, blah.
Okay, ma'am, which product
are you calling about?
I'm getting there.
So I'm talking to Amy,
I'm trying to pick up, like,
the loose poops, it's not
working, blah, blah, blah, blah,
uh, my phone falls
in the poo, right.
I'm like, disgusting,
this is insane, only me!
Okay, anyway.
So I go to pick up the phone.
With your hand?
No, not with my hand,
I'm like an animal to you?
No, with the poo bag.
Anyway, so I like take
the phone home, I'm like,
you know, gonna rinse it off,
you know, good as new, right?
Well, the little light comes on
basically saying the warranty
is void because it's come in
contact with water, whatever.
Okay, ma'am, CPI doesn't
manufacture cell phones.
You know what, I'm getting
to the point of my story
and I'm gonna need
you to be quiet.
Sorry ma'am.
Thanks, you're a peach.
Anyway, so I have my phone, I'm
going into the cell phone store
and I'm like, he's gonna give
me a new phone if he sees me,
if he just sees me.
So he's like, um, sorry
ma'am, I cannot help you,
the red light is on,
it's had contact with water,
blah, blah, blah, blah,
and I'm like I know
but you should
give me a new phone.
And he's like, I'm sorry
ma'am, I can't help you.
I'm livid!
Ma'am, I really have
to ask which product
you're calling about.
We have other callers waiting.
I could have sworn
I called Consumer Affairs.
Yes but -
I'm a consumer and I have an
affair that you need to handle.
Can you do your job?
Okay. I'm sorry.
So I'm pissed, right?
I am beyond pissed.
So I get in my car and
I run a red light, right.
So the cop is like ma'am, did
you see, uh, the red light,
you know and I was like, uh,
if I knew it was a red light,
I probably wouldn't have ran it
so I'm stupid now, I'm stupid.
Boom, I push him, whatever.
This leads to an illegal
search, in my opinion,
and he comes up with some
prescription pills and I do
have a prescription, ma'am,
for my anxiety but these,
these weren't those pills.
So I go to jail, right.
I go to jail.
He cuffs me, he stuffs me,
we go to jail and he's like
you're gonna need
a lawyer, a lawyer!
So anyway, so this
is where you come in.
I'm gonna need some
help with a lawyer.
Ma'am what does any of this have
to do with CPI or its products?
Have you been listening
to a word I have said?
It was your beef jerky that
gave Ricky the loose poo!
No, no, none of our products
contain chlorofluorocarbons.
CFCs were banned
in the U.S. in 1978.
No, I did not realize you could
use car wax for that purpose.
I'll be sure to pass
along your suggestion.
Okay.
No, no, you cannot get swine flu
from our pepperoni products.
Yes, I'm sure.
Yes.
CPI changes the design on
its boxes from time to time.
You like the picture
of the white lady
eating the cereal better?
I'll be sure to pass
on that comment.
Okay then.
Alright, we'll get that
coupon right out to you.
Okay, have a great day.
Hey.
Hey.
I was wondering how long you
could go without talking to me.
Yeah, yeah I know.
I just, uh, I was actually
heading to the gym
before you
called and, um -
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've totally been
wasting your time.
No, no that's just it.
I actually went to the gym
like I planned but I just,
um, I couldn't stop
thinking about you.
Really?
Yeah. How weird is that?
I mean, I don't even really
know you but I'm, you know,
I'm sitting there and I just
realize, I'm just picking up
things and putting them
down over and over again,
screw this, I'd rather be
home talking to Erica.
Yeah, I have that
effect on people.
Yeah, I guess you do.
Hey, uh, hang on a sec.
You there?
Yeah.
So, it's your dime, what
do you want to talk about now?
It's your dime?
How old are you?
Okay, touche.
No seriously, you know
all about my wonderful life
in consumer affairs so, uh,
what do you do for a living?
Please let it be something
worse than my job.
Ah, I'm sorry
to disappoint.
I'm an EMT.
Of course you are.
What's that
supposed to mean?
An EMT?
Well, it basically
means that you're hot,
you're in great shape and you
actually care about people.
Plus, you make more
money than a fireman so...
Ah, well see actually I'm part
of the unpaid internship program
for indifferent,
ugly people.
I stand corrected.
Yeah, it's new.
I'm not surprised you
haven't heard of it.
Okay, can I tell you
something really disgusting?
Okay.
I just ate an entire
batch of cookie dough mix.
Oh great.
Are you Bulimic?
No, I wish, I wish.
Actually I'm just fat.
That's funny, you don't
look fat in your picture.
What? Wait.
What picture?
The one on Facebook of you
and Samantha in the S&M gear.
It was Halloween!
Yeah, sure it was.
God.
Hey, you know what?
At least you
were the master.
Yeah, you know Sam
and I, you know,
we have a couple of drinks and
then we start to experiment...
Seriously?
No, you perv.
I don't know.
So what else did you
find out while you were
cyber stalking me?
Ah, I was just trying to
put a face to the voice.
Uh-huh.
Admit it.
You just wanted to
see if I was hot.
No.
Yeah, maybe.
And?
Yeah, you uh... yes,
mm-hmm, affirmative.
Okay, that's just not fair
because I have no idea
what you look like so.
Sure you do.
You know I'm extremely
hot, all EMTs are.
Come on!
I sent you
a friend request.
You did?
Hang on.
Kyle McAvoy.
Confirm.
Wait. Seriously?
You have your dog's picture
as your profile pic?
What's wrong with that?
A lot of people do that.
Yeah, if they're like
horribly disfigured
or part of the witness
protection program.
Yeah, or just
love your dog.
Oh well, that's what
Dogbook is for.
Dogbook?
What's Dogbook?
Oh wait, wait, wait.
Here is a real picture.
Oh...
Oh great.
Thank you.
That's just what
I want to hear.
What is the problem now?
Do you sleep with a
lot of women, Kyle?
Excuse me?
You are, uh, you're too good
looking to be monogamous.
I can't believe
you just said that.
Uh, oh damn.
I've gotta answer
some of these calls.
Just blow them off.
Okay, maybe for
a little while.
Well hang on, hang on.
Let me just check in
with my boss, okay?
Okay, I'll hold.
Okay, hold on.
Hi, Mr. Koffsky.
Hi, yeah it's, it's doing it
again, um, the network's down.
I can't see any calls.
Damn it, alright.
Let me see what
I can do on my end.
Listen, if I can't get this
figured out I'm gonna have
to send an IT guy over to
check out your computer.
Yeah, yeah, I mean,
because you know,
it keeps going in
and out and in and out
and oh look, look,
I can see them now,
I can see the calls.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
they're there.
Okay, alright, good.
Well, take the calls and
I'll see what I can do
about them checking
the server.
Oh, oh, okay.
Thanks.
Okay, where were we?
You were just telling
me how hot I am.
Right, and modest.
So modest.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, okay so what
do you want?
Right now?
I could use
some ice cream.
I thought you just ate
all that cookie dough.
Yeah and?
No, I mean,
uh, in life.
Oh...
Oh, we're going there.
Yes, yes, we've entered
the deep thoughts part
of the conversation.
Ah, um, I don't know,
what do you want?
That we're not
talking about me.
You keep deflecting.
Eh, I don't know.
I mean, what
does anyone want?
Love, happiness.
I thought you
had a boyfriend.
Yeah, I do,
forgot, sorry.
Um, God, I don't,
I mean, you know,
I know I want
a family someday.
Ah, see, now we're
getting somewhere.
Okay, um,
how many kids?
Maybe three.
Three, that's
a good number.
You know, they say that
you want as many kids
as you grew up with.
Hmm, that's funny because
I have an older sister
and a younger brother.
Oh, well see.
Yeah, okay.
And, let's see, what else.
I majored in
poli-sci in college.
Ah, where'd you go?
Cal State Fullerton.
SUNY Binghamton.
Ah.
Yeah, so you know I never really
wanted to work in Washington,
I mean, I wasn't that
interested in politics.
What are you
interested in?
Uh, nothing.
See, I'm not buying that, I know
from your Facebook page that
you're part of the unnecessary
quotation mark hunters group.
Yes!
I hate that shit.
Like when you go up to the
register and there's a sign
that says no checks please
in quotation marks.
Like, uh, "No checks please,"
said John the owner.
Yeah.
Or it's facetious.
Right.
So actually maybe, you know,
they do take checks.
Right, right.
Okay, so, um, you don't love
your job but you can't quit
because you don't know
what else you want to do.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Alright, well, I think you
should just a write a book
about life as
a Consumer Affairs Rep.
Oh yeah, I should do that.
I should totally do that.
I'm serious.
Tales from the trenches, most
ridiculous stories, you know,
dumbest people, just all the
crazy shit you deal with
every day.
You don't know
the half of it.
Yeah, well let me -
Let me listen in.
Yeah right.
No, I'm serious.
There's gotta be a way
you can connect me
into your calls, right?
Yeah, I mean, it's
easy to do, it's just,
I mean, what would
be the point?
I'm curious.
Besides I can hear your phone
beeping in the background.
I know you gotta take
some of those calls.
Uh...
Okay, let's do it.
Okay but, okay I'm gonna
hang up and call you back
but you have to be quiet okay,
because I can't mute it.
You got it.
Alright.
Hey. Are you there?
Yep.
Okay, don't say
anything, okay?
You got it.
Okay.
Hi, you've reached CPI Consumer
Affairs, this is Erica.
And which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling
about today?
Uh, yeah, hello.
I'm calling about
your refried beans.
Okay, and how
can I help you?
Well, I was just wondering
if you all sold beans
that were just
once fried?
Um, excuse me?
Well, well you see, I just
started this new diet and I
thought I would cut back on the
refried beans and just you know
get beans that were once fried,
but then I couldn't find them
anywhere and then the man down
at the Kroger said that
he ain't never heard of such
a thing as a once fried bean.
Oh, you know what I have some
good news for you today, ma'am.
Our refried beans
are only fried once.
Then why you call them refried?
Well, that actually is
a very common question.
Actually, refried beans are not
fried and then fried again.
It comes from a mistranslation
of the Spanish
"frijoles refritos. "
See in Spanish you put a "re"
in front of the word to make
an emphasis, so literally
frijoles refritos translates
to "well fried beans,"
but English speakers assume
the "re" means "again"
like in English,
so they mistranslate
it to refried beans.
But rest assured CPI's refried
beans are only fried once and
in fact, our nonfat refried
beans aren't fried at all.
Okay, uh, so do you sell just
once fried beans or not?
Yes ma'am, we make
once fried beans,
we just call them
refried beans.
Okay.
You see, that don't
make no damn sense.
Well, I just explained, ma'am,
it comes from the mistranslation
of the Spanish
for ref -
Okay, whatever!
Bitch!
Okay.
Uh, you are such a liar.
You have the greatest
job on Earth.
What are you
talking about?
You get paid to surf the
Internet for fascinating trivia.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
You're like
a human Googler.
If I have a question, I'm not
just gonna look up the answer on
my own, I'm gonna call you and
you're gonna look it up for me.
I'm reading off
of our product page.
Still, I didn't know that
about refried beans.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, I'm sure there
are several CPI products
that would be of
interest to you.
Let's do another one.
Uh, okay, hang on.
Going again.
Hi, welcome to CPI Consumer
Affairs, this is Erica.
Which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling
about today?
Well, I'm not sure
the name of it.
Okay, uh, was it
a food product?
Yes.
They had this cereal
on the cruise
that Marvin
really enjoyed.
Okay, so you need the name of
the cereal so you can buy it
for your husband, Marvin?
Marvin's not my husband.
My husband Leonard died 22 years
ago this May, God rest his soul.
Okay, who's Marvin?
None of your business, nosy.
My apologies, ma'am.
Okay, well CPI makes dozens
of delicious cereals.
What did it taste like?
I don't know.
I didn't have any.
Marvin couldn't
get enough of it.
I don't care for cereal.
Uh, well, well you're not giving
me a lot to go on here, ma'am.
Well, I think it
had raisins in it.
Uh, okay.
Uh, was it
Raisin Bran perhaps?
I think I'd recognize
Raisin Bran, young lady.
Do you think
I'm an idiot?
Uh, no ma'am, I'm just
trying to nail down
this mysterious
cereal here.
Oh and now you're
getting smart with me.
Uh, okay.
You know what, our website has
pictures and descriptions
of all of our cereals.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
If I wanted to use all that
World Wide Web stuff,
I wouldn't have to
call you now, would I?
Can you tell me the name
of the cereal or not?
Uh, ma'am, are you certain
it's a CPI product?
You know, Kellogg's and Post
also make cereals with raisins.
That's right, pass the buck,
pass the buck to someone else.
That's what's wrong
with this country today,
everyone's trying
to pass the buck.
Hello, the box
had C-P-I on it.
I think it had
raisins and nuts.
Hello ma'am, this is
Sven Jorgenson from
CPI Consumer Affairs,
I'm Erica's supervisor
and I've been monitoring
this call.
Uh, I got this Sven.
Ma'am, was the cereal
a Harvest Grain Medley?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
that's the name of it!
Yes.
I thought it might be.
How did you know, Sven?
Ma'am, I'm so sorry
Erica wasn't able
to answer your
question today.
And she's fresh too.
She's arrogant and she doesn't
know her product line.
Yes, Erica does have
a very smart mouth.
Hold on a second.
For that I apologize
as well.
As a token of our appreciation
and as a courtesy for our poor
customer service, we are going
to be sending you a brand new,
free CPI microwave oven.
Oh, really?
No, no.
No, we're not.
Yes we are, just
stay on the line
and we will get
your information.
Now if you hear a dial tone,
that doesn't mean you were
disconnected, it just means
that we are processing
your brand new
CPI microwave oven.
Oh, well, that's
more like it.
Thank you,
Mr. Jorgenson.
No, thank you
so much.
Now please hold.
Uh, that was mean.
Yeah, she deserved
it though.
Yeah maybe, but now she's
just gonna call back
and demand her oven.
Sorry.
I just got carried away.
Yeah, but you can't give
away microwave ovens.
What, you can't?
No, you can't.
Oh.
You know, they do monitor
some of these calls.
Oh my gosh and
she has my name.
I'm gonna get fired.
I thought you
hated your job?
Uh, yeah, but I hate being
homeless even more.
It was fun though?
Yeah, fine, fun, but I'm
sure it'd be fun to go on
a ride-along with you and go
through your passenger's wallets
while you're
reviving them.
Who told you we do that?
A- ha!
Look, I can't quit my job
because I have absolutely
no marketable skills
whatsoever.
Unless somebody's
looking for archers.
Yes, yes.
Someone with a moat and
unruly barbarian neighbors.
Yeah, have you considered
talking to head hunters
about a career
in long bow work?
Yes, actually.
Hey, have you ever answered
a call like pretending
to be a machine
or something?
Oh yeah,
all the time.
Yeah like, you'd go,
beep, you know,
press one for more options
or something like that.
Let's give it a shot.
Yes!
Hang on.
Okay, are you ready?
Yeah.
For questions or comments about
our canned goods, press one.
For electronic items,
press two.
For dry goods like cereals
or pancake mix, press three.
Dry goods, if you are calling
because you found a stone
in your stone-ground
oatmeal, press one.
If you have a question
about how to use one of
our fantastic granola bar
products, press two.
For all other questions
or concerns, press three.
You've reached the
CPI bacon hotline.
If you're calling with
a question or concern
about frying, press one.
If you're calling about how to
make your bacon even smokier,
go on and press two.
You pressed
the wrong number.
For questions or comments
about giving bacon
as a gift,
press three.
Operator!
You've reached CPI
Consumer Affairs.
For English, press one.
I already did that!
Cheerio.
For queries about our scones
and tea cake mix,
kindly depress the
zed key presently.
Oh, what the shit
is the zed key?
I give up.
That was classic.
Oh my God.
I'm getting fired!
You see, you got
a career in comedy.
I'm serious, you should
write about this stuff.
Oh my gosh!
I like you so much.
I... wow, I'm sorry,
that was weird.
Nah, that's okay.
I like you too.
I'm totally embarrassed.
It's okay, Erica.
You said what you were
feeling, that's okay.
That's enjoyable.
Who cares?
Uh, let's talk about
something else, okay?
Okay, uh, you ready to
talk about your boyfriend?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Let's, um, let's talk
about my boyfriend.
I guess I know you
well enough now.
I could give you my
social security number.
Yes and your
bank statements.
Right.
Uh, okay...
So, uh, here's the story.
Um, Alex works at this big
pharmaceutical company and, uh,
he's the regional sales manager
and one of the associates on
his team is this slutty, totally
slutty girl named Amanda.
I like her already.
Yeah, well, she knows that Alex
and I are together and yet,
she insists on plying
him with little gifts
and calling him on the
weekends just to talk.
So they're friends.
Yeah right.
Anyway, I've seen the texts
she sent Alex and it's like
she's basically all but inviting
him over for a booty call and I
confronted Alex about it and he
was like oh you know, she's just
kidding, whatever, like it was
some sort of inside office joke.
Okay, so maybe they're
sleeping together, maybe not.
Okay, then last Friday my friend
Sara saw the two of them
together at the Olive Garden
and they were totally -
Wait.
Hold up.
Stop right there.
The Olive Garden,
seriously?
Yeah. Why?
People really go to
the Olive Garden?
Yes, people really go
to the Olive Garden
and what does that have
to do with anything?
Nothing, it's just -
okay, have you ever seen
commercials for
the Olive Garden?
Where they've got that garlic
parmesan cheese sauce or
whatever the hell it is, it
looks like throw up, you know?
Yeah, it kind of does.
I mean, I would rather
eat a plate of vomit
than that cream sauce.
Okay, Olive Garden cream
sauce looks like vomit.
What, did the Olive Garden
kill your dog or something?
Yeah, like I'd take my dog
anywhere near that place.
Now if you want
really good Italian,
there's this incredible
place on Sullivan Street.
They've got this
unbelievable veal parmesan.
See, I'm a
vegetarian so...
Right, I forgot, I'm dealing
with Miss California here.
Okay well there's an eggplant
parm, it's really good there.
Ah.
Are you Italian
or something?
No I'm Scotch-Irish but,
uh, I mean, come on, I can,
I know the difference between
good Italian food
and the Olive Garden.
Okay, are you done?
Yes, sorry.
So, uh, your classy
boyfriend took his hot,
young co-worker out for
a fine meal of breadsticks
and endless salad.
Yes, and they're both sitting
on the same side of the booth,
totally cuddling.
Did they kiss?
No, but you can tell
from their body language
that something
is going on.
According to Sara who
told you this directly?
No, according to Sara
who told my best friend Sam
and she told me directly.
Yeah... I don't know.
I mean, even if what Sara
saw was conveyed accurately,
I mean, who knows
what that means.
So you don't think
he's cheating on me?
You want to
know the truth?
Yeah, of course I want
to know the truth.
The truth is it's
over either way.
Okay, say he's
cheating, right.
That's an easy one, you dump his
ass unless you're one of those
women who wants to grow up and
live the rest of your life
with a philandering husband
that you think you can change.
Okay so, what if
he's not cheating?
It doesn't matter.
You're already with
someone you don't trust,
you can't talk to and you
don't love, so who cares.
But I do love him.
Oh.
Sorry, I have to gag.
Are you serious?
Really?
I mean, is your self-esteem
so low that you think
this guy is the
best you can do?
Come on.
I mean, are you that insecure
that you don't think
you deserve
someone better?
Someone like you?
Yeah, okay.
Someone like me.
Okay, Kyle McAvoy,
tell me, if you're so great,
why are you still single?
Ah right, of course,
'cause if a man is available
then there must be something
wrong with him.
Well that's been
my experience, yes.
Okay.
Well, FYI, I just got out of
a relationship with a woman,
and I use that term loosely,
who was giving blow jobs
to strangers for cocaine
and when I ended it,
she tried to
kill herself.
Wow!
You must be a great
judge of character.
Yeah, thank you.
And by the way, I think
she stole my watch.
I'm sorry,
that's funny.
It is,
it's hysterical.
You had no idea
about any of this?
No, I mean, yeah now, sure
it seems obvious, I mean,
why was she having bloody noses
all the time and herpes,
but love blinds
you, you know.
Yeah, I guess.
P.S. I don't
have herpes.
Oh, congratulations,
that's good.
Yeah, thank you.
I'm glad I, uh,
dodged that bullet.
Look, I'm sorry I, uh, I guess
I don't know you all that well
but it just seems to
me that you either,
you demand that people
treat you with respect
or you just get walked on
the rest of your life.
I mean then,
what then?
Say I... say I do everything
you're saying and I quit my job
and I break up with my boyfriend
and I strip my life down bare
to the few things that I'm
actually proud of, then what?
I mean, so what then?
Then you hold
your head up high
and you venture out
into the unknown.
Instead of playing it safe
with what you know,
you take a chance
on what could be.
It sounds so romantic
when you say it.
Uh...
So what's it gonna be?
Oh, hold on.
Crap, that's him.
I've gotta go, I have
to take this call.
I'll call you back?
Good luck.
Thank you.
Hey.
Hey babe.
I'm getting
out of here.
You still
coming over?
Um, yeah... I mean,
I don't know.
Look, we need to talk.
Oh Jesus, here we go.
I just think that our
relationship is in trouble
if we can't talk about
the situation with Amanda
like mature adults.
Are you finished?
No.
I just think that
we need to really -
Look, Erica, I love you but
this bullshit has got to stop.
I can't spend all my time
arguing with you
about something that
didn't even happen.
I just want you to
be honest with me.
You want me to be
honest with you? Hmm?
Alright, here's a
dose of reality.
I am about this close to
ending this with you, okay?
And then who is gonna put
up with your bullshit?
I'm gonna tell you who,
his name is no one, okay?
So why don't you
just stop the drama,
grab your two piece
and come over, alright?
Alright.
Oh, and can you pick up
some beer on the way over?
Yeah sure.
Alright, great.
Look, um, I'm sorry that I had
to be so direct with you,
but I only do it because
I love you, okay?
Chin up.
I'll see you soon.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
That was unexpected.
Kyle?
Nice job.
You were on
the whole time?
Yep.
So you just heard,
I'm, I'm sorry.
I just couldn't.
Look, I got no stake in this,
I was just trying to help
but, you know,
it's your life.
Kyle, I don't want you
to think that I'm -
Hey, don't sweat it,
you know, I mean,
it's not like
I know you for real.
Yeah, you do.
I think maybe you're
the only who does.
I'm gonna go now.
Okay... yeah.
Bye, Erica.
Goodbye, Kyle.
Welcome to CPI,
this is Erica,
which one of our products
are you calling about?
Hi, yeah, I bought one of
your potato shredders
and it's, uh, totally stuck.
Um, excuse me, the what?
Potato shredder.
Potato shredder?
I'm not showing any potato
shredders manufactured by CPI.
Are you sure it's a CPI product?
Um, yeah.
It says CPI right here.
Can you, um, can you
describe the product ma'am?
Well, it's a potato shredder
like for hash browns.
I'm not seeing any
potato shredders
in our products database.
Well you put a potato
in the shredder,
you flip a switch and then the
hash browns fill a receptacle.
Okay, so it's an electronic.
Yeah, it plugs in.
What does the
receptacle look like?
Mmm, kind of like a garbage can.
By any chance does it
say cross shredder?
Yes, yes, it says
cross shredding action.
Ma'am, that's a paper shredder.
Oh, it shreds paper, too?
It shreds paper only.
You've been putting potatoes
into a paper shredder.
Oh...
Well, how do I
get it unstuck?
Seriously?
Are you really that stupid?
Excuse me?
Um, I'd like to speak
to your supervisor.
You want a second opinion?
Okay, you're a moron.
How's that?
# Lay down, lay down
Whoa... #
# Lay down
Lay down, whoa #
# Another day with
nothing left to say #
# A couple years
down the road #
# The girl I met
is now a silhouette #
# Of someone
I used to know #
# So can we please try
and find our way #
# Back to where
it all began #
# Because somewhere
in those tired eyes #
# Memories of that
silly night #
# Are we strong enough
to last? #
# Lay down, lay down
Whoa... #
What?
Hey, what happened?
Nothing.
Are you crying?
No.
What did he
do to you?
Who? Alex?
Nothing... I'm going over
there in a little while.
Well, then why are
you crying now?
It's a long story...
I met this guy.
What?
Where? When?
Wait, what?
On the phone.
He's one of the
people I called...
this really nice guy,
Kyle, he's an EMT and
I don't know, we just
totally connected.
We've been
talking all day.
Oh my God, this is
very romantical.
Yeah well, don't
get too excited.
First of all, he lives in
New York and second of all,
I just totally
blew it with him.
What happened?
He was on the phone
when Alex called.
Ooh...
Yeah, and he heard me totally
wimp out and not stick up
for myself and now he thinks
I'm a psycho bitch
with low self-esteem.
I'm sure he doesn't,
call him back.
I can't.
Why? Why not?
If he's as great
as you say he is,
then he'll totally
give you another chance.
I don't know, maybe.
Look, call him back.
At this point, what have
you got to lose, right?
Do it, call him.
Do it now.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Okay, call me later.
Alright,
love you, bye.
Hey, it's Kyle,
um, yeah...
Hey, it's Kyle,
um, yeah...
Hello?
Kyle, are you there?
Kyle?
Hello?
Hi, this is Peter Rawlins
from the Tyra Banks Show.
Seriously?
Yes, seriously.
May I please speak to
Amanda Feeny please?
This is Amanda.
Hi Amanda.
Listen, Tyra is doing an
episode on office romances
and we got your name
from an Alex Santiago?
Yeah, I work with Alex.
Oh, well Alex says that you two
are having a relationship
and we wanted to fly you
both out to New York City
for a taping
of the show.
Oh my God.
Seriously?
Yes, that's right.
We'll be flying you both
first class courtesy of
American Airlines and
you'll be staying in
hotel accommodations courtesy
of the Hyatt-Regency.
Oh my God.
This is so cool!
Now before we book you, we do
have to verify a few things.
First off, Alex says you two are
having an interoffice romance.
Is that correct?
Yeah, we are.
Great.
Now, do any of your coworkers
know about the relationship?
No.
Oh, well, Rob does.
That's Alex's boss.
I'm kind of hooking
up with him, too.
Mmm, great.
That sounds fabulous.
Now do either you or Alex
have any relationships
outside of the office?
No.
Alex isn't
seeing anyone?
No.
Are you sure?
Um, Alex says he
has a girlfriend.
Who? That Erica chick?
No, they're not serious.
Okay. Are you sure?
Alex says he, uh, he's in
love with this Erica girl.
No, he's not.
He said she was like a
once in a while hook up
and then she got clingy
so he dumped the bitch.
Okay, that's
all we need.
So am I going to New York?
Yeah, yeah.
I know you're gonna be
the star of the show.
In fact, Tyra is going to
personally pick you up at
the airport and drive you
in her limo to the studio.
Shut up!
Yeah, so can you be at
LAX tomorrow at 5:00 AM?
Totally.
Fabulous.
Well, I guess
you were right.
I'm really sorry.
I just thought you'd
want to know the truth.
How'd you get
her info anyway?
Facebook mostly.
Of course.
Erica, I'm,
I'm truly sorry.
I didn't mean to -
I know, I know...
I know.
So what are
you gonna do?
Something I should have
done a long time ago.
Good luck.
Thanks, thanks.
Hey babe.
Uh, where are you?
What's going on?
What are you doing?
Dumping your ass.
What? Whoa!
Whoa, whoa!
Now let's not get all
excited, baby girl.
Tell me what
the problem is.
The problem is I deserve
better than you, Alex.
Yeah, well,
good luck with that.
Screw you.
Screw me?
Erica look, you are a
customer service rep, okay?
And let's face it, you are
not getting any younger,
so if you think that you
can do better than me,
well, you need a serious
reality check.
I know I can do
better than you
and I think I've
already found him.
Do you know what you're
doing right now, huh?
Yeah, yeah...
I'm taking a chance.
Okay, uh,
whatever...
Goodbye Alex.
Babe, baby, baby.
Oh, and by the way,
your friend, Amanda,
is also sleeping
with your boss.
Jesus Christ.
Hi, what is it,
Mr. Koffsky?
Uh, IT can't seem to find any
problem with the network.
Oh really?
That's weird.
Yeah, and they say your
computer's been online all day.
Hmm, uh, I don't know,
maybe it's something
wrong with my laptop.
Erica?
Yes, Mr. Koffsky?
Cut the bullshit.
Excuse me?
Let me play
something for you.
Okay.
Are you really
that stupid?
Um, I'd like to speak
to your supervisor.
You want a second opinion?
Okay, you're a moron.
How's that?
How did you get that?
Some of your conversations are
recorded for quality assurance.
Oh yeah.
Erica, what the hell's
the matter with you?
Uh, I don't know.
I'm sorry,
I just lost it.
I'm just having
a really weird day.
And all this crap about
the network being down.
I know, I was lying.
Look, I just needed
some time today
to reconnect with
the real world.
What are you
talking about?
It doesn't matter.
So, am I fired?
Ha! Do you think?
I understand.
Look, Erica, if you were
having personal issues,
you could have
just told me.
I know, I'm sorry,
I just...
No, it's fine,
it's fine, I mean,
this is not like my long-term
career path anyway, right.
I mean, life's too short to
spend it doing something
you don't love.
Ah, well, you know what, let me
give you some advice there,
I mean, 'cause that all sounds
really good in theory,
but in the real world,
people work, you know.
I mean, they go out and they
do things that aren't all fun
and games because they need
to make money to buy food
and pay the rent.
I mean, you know, we're laying
people off left and right here
and it is so hard to find
another job, it just -
Look, what do you say I give you
one more chance but you promise
me that you will never pull any
of those stunts again, hmm?
What do you say?
I really appreciate
that Mr. Koffsky, I do.
It's just that, maybe
it's better this way.
I mean, I need to, uh,
step out of my comfort zone
or at least get out
of my apartment.
I just, you know, venture
out into the unknown.
Okay, I understand.
Um, I can give you
two weeks' severance.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Koffsky.
Good luck, Erica.
Thank you.
Ah!
Hey.
Hey.
How'd it go?
Uh, it's fine.
It's over and
I quit my job.
No, fired actually.
I got hired back and
then I turned it down.
Whoa...
Uh, I never
told you to -
I'm taking a chance.
Good for you.
Um, can I ask you
a question?
What? So now you
ask permission?
Why do you, why do
you even like me?
Mostly for
the archery.
No seriously.
I'm just, I'm just
a Consumer Affairs Rep.
Former Consumer
Affairs Rep.
Right.
I'm not special.
Are you kidding me?
How many people would
turn a wrong number into
an opportunity to meet people,
to connect with strangers.
I mean...
I don't know...
I don't know.
You made a difference in
people's lives today, Erica.
Yeah, not like you do.
Just as important.
You think that lady in
Nebraska gets to talk
to people every day?
I mean, her children
don't even talk to her.
Yeah, I guess.
What about me?
What about you?
It's weird, but I have real,
I have real feelings for you.
What?
I think this could be
something, you know.
Something important.
I have to meet you.
I can book a flight
in the morning.
Sorry, I can't
hear you.
I need to fly out
and see you.
There's, sorry, there's
an ambulance going by.
I hear it, too.
You hear that?
I can hear it
outside.
Isn't that weird?
Wait... What?
Where are you?
L.A.
But your number,
your number is 917.
I moved here a month ago
and why bother change it?
You didn't think that
was worth mentioning?
You never asked.
But we can hear
the same ambulance.
Yeah.
Where are you exactly?
Hi.
I'm Kyle.
Erica.
my name is Erica.
Which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling about today?
I just, I just opened up a can
of your tomato soup and there is
a big fat rat turd right
in the middle of the soup.
Well, I am very sorry
to hear that sir,
I can help you with that today
but first, I just need to
verify a few things.
First of all, are you sure the
foreign particle in question
is a rat dropping?
While rare, sometimes bits
of meat can contaminate
our vegetarian soup products.
It's a rat turd. Okay?
Do you want me to
send it to you?
Do you want to taste it and
see if it's a stray piece
of prime rib, or do you want
to go ahead and trust me
that there is in fact
a piece of rodent shit
in the middle of my soup?
That won't be necessary, sir.
There is no need to preserve
the can in question,
you can go ahead and dispose of
it and I can send you a coupon
for a free replacement
can of soup.
How does that sound?
That sounds pretty
God damn weak!
You know, rats caused
the plague, you know?
I could sue you.
I'm very sorry for
your inconvenience.
Because of your extreme
circumstances, I can offer you
a coupon for a dozen cans of
soup, one each month for a year.
Would that be satisfactory?
Yeah, I guess,
fine, whatever.
Great.
Let me just take down your
information and we can
get that right out to you.
Please hold.
Yeah, I heard there's mercury
in these light bulbs.
There is a trace amount of
mercury used in the manufacture
of our compact
florescent bulbs,
but there's no danger
to consumers.
Is your bulb damaged or broken?
I don't think so.
Which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling about today?
Yeah, hi, um, my, my popcorn
setting, it's, uh,
it's still burning my popcorn.
I can help you with that,
but first, I need to ask you
a few questions.
Did you remove the popcorn
bag from the plastic wrapper?
Oh...
Um, let me call you back.
Is the toilet bowl
cleaner safe for animals?
Excuse me?
My dog keeps drinking the blue
water and I think it might be
making him sick, he keeps
foaming at the mouth.
How do I know if
the makeup is working?
This pizza is not as
good as delivery pizza.
How do I make my eyes pop?
See, I'm having a little
situation with
your instant glue.
This TV gets the same
channels as my old TV.
What color goes on my T-zone?
In my day, you could buy a whole
barrel of pickles for a nickel.
It says layer to desired result.
How do I know when I'm there?
Which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling
about today?
I'm calling
about my crockpot.
Pet Lovers
dry cat food mix.
The 18 volt shop-vac.
The Ready Made
Nachos pack.
Mini pizza bagels.
Hemorrhoids cream.
The DVD player.
The plant food.
I can help you with that.
Yeah, um, I put the Blu-ray
disc in and nothing happens
for like ten minutes
before it plays.
CPI's Blu-ray players actually
have some of the best load times
in the industry but as Blu-ray's
a new technology, advances are
being made every day to provide
innovative new features,
interactive online play and
improved disc access time.
That's improved?
So it's supposed to suck?
Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs,
my name is Erica.
And which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling about today?
Hi, I'm calling about
your lawn mower!
It just cut off my toe!
Sir, you need to hang up
the phone and call 911!
I can't...
Your number was on the lawn
mower so I called you
and I don't know what to do.
I'm starting to panic,
I'm losing a lot of blood here.
What do I do?
Are you crazy?
How long have you
been waiting on hold?
What do I do?
Can you tell my mom
I love her, Erica?
Hang up the phone
and call 911 now!
Listen to me, hang
up and call 911!
Gotcha!
Get a life,
you little shit.
You sound cute.
What's up?
And which one of
our fabulous products
are you calling about today?
I'm calling about
all of them, ma'am.
Yeah, 'cause I know CPI's
working with three of the five
branches of Government.
I know that you're trying to
brainwash the American people
with your frozen foods, and your
TVs and your foot creams
so that no one questions the
International Monitory Fund's
takeover of our civil liberties.
How ya like me now?
Hello?
Hey hun, what's up?
Not much.
What's going on
with you?
Uh, some guy called
me a whore today.
Wow.
How did he know?
Yeah, oh and some lady wants me
to meet her grandson in Dallas
who is, uh, very nice and
has almost total mobility.
Well, did you
talk to him yet?
Him who?
Him who?
Him Alex!
Uh, not yet.
You really need
to confront him.
It's not that simple.
Erica.
I didn't see anything.
Sara saw them together
with her own two eyeballs.
Yeah, well, just because
they're having lunch
doesn't mean they're
sleeping together.
Okay... You poor,
dumb bastard.
Okay, fine... So what
am I supposed to say?
Oh, uh, hi sweetie, how's
your day, and by the way
are you sleeping with
that skank, Amanda?
Works for me.
You just don't like Alex 'cause
of what he said about your butt.
This has nothing to do with
that, and for the record,
I just want you to know
that I have never had
any complaints
about this ass.
Men have eaten
Har Gow off this ass.
Gross.
Oh, look, it's my
boss, I gotta go.
Okay, take it, but you
need to talk to Alex,
be strong,
do not wimp out.
Okay, I'll call you
later, okay?
Bye.
Bye.
My ass is awesome.
Hi, Mr. Koffsky.
Hey... my computer says
that you're offline.
I know,
I took a break.
Uh-huh... You're not
scheduled for a break
for another
I know... I, uh, had
to go to the bathroom.
I had some bad
nachos last night.
Look, Erica, I don't need to
tell you, we let go of, what,
three Consumer Affairs reps
in the last few weeks and that
means that the people that still
have jobs need to pick up
the slack so more volume
means less time for breaks.
I know, I'm sorry, I'm going
back online right now.
Good, good, because you know
the economy's tough and there
are people out there who
would kill for your job.
I know.
See, I'm online.
Good... then why are you
still talking to me?
Right.
Welcome to CPI Consumer
Affairs, this is Erica.
Yes, my name is Jeffery
Smith-Jones with a hyphen,
and I'd like to know why I can't
get Caribbean Jerk pizza
in the UK?
I mean, it's not like it
really comes from Caribbean.
No, of course not.
Our products are being
introduced into new markets
every day.
Check back on our website for
availability in your area.
Hi Erica.
I think I found a bone in
one of your chicken nuggets.
I almost broke my tooth!
I can help you with that.
I'm sorry our product did not
meet up to your expectations.
Okay... Um, right.
I can get that coupon
out to you right away.
Okay, right.
Have a great day, sir.
Thank you, good-bye.
Hey.
Hey...
What's up, baby?
Where you been all day?
Right here, working.
So, uh, you
coming over later?
I don't know.
What's the
matter, baby?
Look, I think
we need to talk.
Oh no... here we go.
No, it's not like
that, it's um...
What's the matter?
Am I not tuning into
your feelings again?
No, it's not that.
It's just... I don't
know how to say this.
Let's just cut to
the chase, okay?
Okay...
Well, someone saw you with
that girl from your work,
um, Amanda something.
Who saw me?
Your friend Samantha
with the fat ass?
No, it was
someone else.
Look, it doesn't
matter who, it just,
she saw you having
lunch with Amanda.
So, what, am I not allowed
to have lunch with someone
I work with now?
She said it
looked suspicious.
Uh, I'm sorry, how exactly do
you eat lunch suspiciously?
Hmm? Educate me on this.
Was I making a shifty
eye motion or did a man
in a trenchcoat drop off
a brief case at my table?
Look, I think Sara knows
the difference between
a business lunch
and something more.
Okay, you know, Erica.
You got me, okay?
You got me.
I have been boning Amanda
and afterwards, I thought
that we'd have lunch
in a public place
so that everyone could
see me groping her tits.
Oh and did your friend Sara
tell you that I left
a used condom
in the booth?
I meant to grab it,
just didn't have time.
Just tell me.
Are you cheating on me?
I thought that
you trusted me.
Just tell me!
I can't believe you
need me to say it.
So the answer's no?
Baby... I would never cheat
on you and you know that.
Okay.
You know, I should
really be...
I should be mad
at you right now.
Your friend Samantha is
an instigating troublemaker.
She's just
looking out for me.
The same way your
friends look out for you.
No, she's
a nosy bitch.
She's my best
friend, Alex.
Oh, so I suppose after we hang
up, you're probably gonna
call her and tell her that
I just called her a bitch.
You guys being best
friends and all.
No, I'm not.
Look, uh, I gotta jump so
I want you to think about
what just
happened, okay?
And I want you to call me later
when you're on your way over.
Okay, so he totally denied
everything, of course,
I mean, but I don't
know anymore.
I mean, maybe, maybe
he's telling the truth.
I mean, is it possible
the lunch was innocent,
I mean, Sara didn't really see
anything incriminating, did she?
Who is this?
Oh... I'm sorry, uh,
I must have miss dialed.
Well, hold up, wait a second.
You can't leave me
hanging like that.
Excuse me?
Was the lunch really innocent?
I mean, what did Sara see?
I need details.
Uh, it, it, it's... it's this,
uh, this stupid thing.
Where are you calling from?
L.A. You?
Fayetteville, North Carolina.
Seriously?
Yes, ma'am.
Wow.
That's a pretty big miss dial.
So you're not gonna tell me
all the sordid details?
Uh, well, maybe if
I knew you better.
What do you want to know?
Uh... okay, um...
Well, first, I'm gonna have to
get some basic information.
Coming back from my
second tour of duty,
I'm a Sergeant in the
Army, 1st Battalion 508,
the Parachute
Infantry Regiment.
I have no idea
what that means.
Uh, we fight
the bad guys.
Yeah okay,
I got that part.
So did you ever
kill anybody?
Yeah, actually.
Oh... I'm, uh, sorry,
I didn't, I didn't mean.
No, that's all right.
This past July, my company
was in the village of Jaukar
in the Badghis Province,
the 2nd Platoon was ambushed
by Taliban militants.
Holy shit.
Yeah, that's
what we said.
We fought our way out of the
village under heavy machine gun
and RPG fire for six hours
'til we were able to link up
with the rest
of the battalion.
What happened?
Well, we counterattacked from
the East while Alpha
attacked from the West,
we swept across the flank,
completely over run 'em.
Did anyone die?
Yes, ma'am.
Killed 33 militia
men that day.
Did, did you kill
anyone personally?
Yes ma'am.
What about Americans?
Did anyone
on our side die?
No ma'am.
Not that day.
Wow, that's amazing.
I don't actually know anyone
who's in the military.
Really?
I don't hardly know
anyone who isn't.
Well, now you do.
Yeah...
I guess I do.
Oh, um, look, I have
to get back to work.
Well, it was nice
talking to you.
You should miss
dial more often.
You stay safe, okay?
Yes, ma'am.
You too.
Welcome to CPI Consumer
Affairs, this is Erica,
and which one of
our fabulous products
are you calling
about today?
Hello Erica, I'm calling
about your microwave popcorn.
Great, what seems
to be the problem?
Well, there's no problem at all
if my name was Albert Einstein
but it's not.
Did you remember to take the
bag out of the plastic wrapper?
Do you really think
I didn't do that?
Come on now.
That's not my problem.
I'm trying to calculate
how many calories
are in the bag
of popcorn.
Well, the nutritional
information is on the package.
Oh yeah!
Look at that,
it's right there!
You really don't think
I thought of that?
Well listen, since you have
so much mouth, answer me this,
serving size two tablespoons
unpopped, 110 calories;
but wait, it also says
one cup popped, 20 calories.
Yeah, yeah, that's because that
most of the oil used for popping
isn't consumed, it just
remains in the bag.
Oh, so you have all
the answers today, huh?
You're just Miss Answer Lady,
aren't you?
Okay, well answer me this, it
says a serving size is two cups
of popped popcorn, 120 calories,
and one bag of popcorn makes
six and half cups popped, but
two tablespoons is 110 calories,
and how many servings
are in a bag?
You know what?
I'm gonna have to transfer
you to my supervisor
'cause I don't want to give
you the wrong information.
So, you know let's get an
expert on the line, hmm?
Thank you.
Please hold.
Hello?
Hi! Hi! My name is Erica,
and I'm just calling to -
Nope.
Hello?
Jerk.
Hello?
Hi, my name is Erica and,
uh, I'm not selling anything
and I'm not calling to
get anything from you.
So why are you calling?
I don't know really.
No, actually that's not true.
I'm, uh, okay maybe this is
gonna sound really weird,
but I'm just calling
to talk to someone.
You're not sitting in a bathtub
with slashed wrists, are you?
No, although I did
just take 40 Xanax.
I'm just kidding, it's a joke.
No, I'm, uh, I'm not
suicidal, I'm not lonely,
I'm just trying to,
uh, I don't know,
connect with
another human being.
Is that so wrong?
No, no that's not wrong.
I, when I was younger we used
to do it back in my day only,
only back then, we called it
"taking a chance. "
Yes!
That is exactly what
I'm talking about.
So where are you from?
I was born and raised
in Brooklyn, New York.
Really?
Um, are you married?
Depends.
What do you look like?
Oh, alright yes, 57 years,
five kids, 17 grandchildren
and one great-grandkid
that keeps beating me
at computer bowling.
You play Wii bowling?
I love Wii bowling!
Yeah but what are you
really passionate about?
I mean, there must be something
you just love, love, love,
you know what I mean?
I think I could be an artist.
I mean, more like an animator.
I really like to draw like
cartoons and scenes
and stuff, you know.
Yeah, yeah,
you should do that.
Do what you love!
But what if, I don't know,
I'm not good enough?
Yeah, but what if you are?
So, what is the most
embarrassing thing
that's ever happened to you?
God, this is, this is
like you're my therapist.
So, um, what are you wearing?
Eh...
Well, how often do you see them?
Not very often.
My son lives in Omaha now and
my daughter lives in Tucson
with her husband.
Well, what about
the holidays?
Do you get
together then?
We used to, but Bobby lost
his job last spring and
Amy's working two jobs now
to make ends meet.
They can't afford to
take time off to see me.
Maybe you could
go and see them?
I mean, I'm sure a train ticket
to Omaha isn't that much money.
No, it's not the money.
Because I could help you out
if it's just the train ticket.
Oh, sweetie, that's so nice
of you, but the truth is,
they've got their
own lives now.
I don't want
to be a burden.
We talk on the phone,
that's plenty for me.
Really?
Hey, maybe you could
surprise them for Christmas.
No.
It's alright, besides
I've got Bill my Corgi.
Well, it sounds like
Bill is a very lucky dog.
Sweetie.
Like two people could even fit
in that dirty, disgusting space.
Hold on...
Oh shit, it's my boss, um,
I've gotta take this call.
It was awesome talking to you.
Yeah, well, you've
got my number,
let's talk again some time.
Okay, great, okay, bye.
This is Erica.
Yes, Mr. Koffsky?
Yeah, what the heck is
going on over there?
Uh, what do you mean?
Uh, your queue is
like a mile long
and it's getting
longer by the minute.
Uh, what? No.
No, no it's not.
My screen is
showing no calls.
I mean, it's been
quiet here.
I was actually gonna call you
to ask if the network was down.
Great.
You're serious, right?
You don't see
all these calls?
No.
Oh wait, look there it goes.
Now it's back online.
I think the system was
offline for some reason.
You know what,
I see the calls now.
Wow, wow, you were right.
Okay, I guess that wasn't your
fault, but I'm glad I called.
Look if, if you think the
network is down again,
then call me
right away, okay?
Okay, you bet,
you bet.
I'm sorry
about that, sir.
You know, by the way, I think
the Consumer Affair Manual's
a little
dumb sometimes.
I mean, yesterday I got a call
from a young girl who was asking
how to use a tampon and the
script told me to ask her
if she was pregnant.
I mean, who wrote
this manual?
Okay then.
Okay, sir, bye.
One more.
One more and then back to work.
Let's call... New York City.
Hello?
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, uh, you don't know me
and I'm not selling anything,
I'm not crazy and this
isn't a prank call.
I'm just calling people
today to talk, you know,
I mean, I'm not lonely
or suicidal, I just,
I'm just kind of having fun
connecting with people.
You know, making a connection
with real people.
Um, yeah, so you know
maybe, I don't know,
meet someone new,
make a friend.
What's your name?
Erica.
Kyle.
Kyle.
Hi, Kyle.
Hi, Erica.
So, um, what do you
want to talk about?
Hmm? Like, uh...
Your most embarrassing
secrets, childhood memories,
what's the most famous
movie you've never seen?
How long you been
doing this?
Doing what?
Calling people.
Uh, I don't know,
a couple of hours.
Why?
You think I'm
totally crazy, right?
No, no, actually, I think
it's kind of genius.
So tell me about you.
Uh, me?
What do you
want to know?
I don't know,
what'd you do?
Um, I am a Consumer
Affairs Rep for CPI.
Okay.
It's kind of like,
it's like customer service,
actually all CPI's Consumer
Affairs Reps work freelance
so I actually work out of
my home talking on the phone
to people all day.
Oh, it's all starting
to make sense now.
Yeah.
So, how does that work?
The calls get routed to
your cell or something?
No actually.
It's this whole
complicated network.
The calls come in through
my laptop and then I have
a headset and
everything, so...
Oh... Like the
Time Life operator.
Uh, wait a minute.
How old are you?
What?
No, you know the commercials
with the, they aren't that old!
Those are like from
the '80s or something.
You knew what I meant.
Alright so, um, why does someone
call CPI Consumer Affairs?
Um, okay.
Have you ever noticed how on
like every package of every
product ever made there is
a number, like questions,
comments, complaints,
call 1-800-blah blah -
yeah, that's me.
So they call me and then
I ask them questions about
what product they're calling
about and um, I have,
my computer takes me through
a script so I can deal with
whatever questions
they may have.
Oh. Like what?
I don't know, like, uh,
nutritional information
or a complaint about something
that doesn't taste right
or sometimes like
how to use things.
Oh, okay.
Actually, sometimes I just
get a lot of really
dumb people who call.
Like, this one time this,
yeah, this woman called
and literally wants to know
how to heat up a can of soup
and so I'm asking her
all the questions, right,
and it takes about 20 minutes
before I realize she's actually
put the can in the pot.
The actual can?
The actual can.
So then I have to talk
her into, you know, turning
the stove down, not touching
the can because it's too hot,
so now, that is why everywhere
you see a can, it says,
empty contents
into saucepan.
That's not
a real story.
I swear to God.
No.
So wait, I'm talking to
the empty contents girl?
That's me.
Empty contents girl.
Oh wow.
I am honored.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yeah.
So what do you
do for fun?
Um, let's not talk
about me anymore.
Tell me something
about you.
You don't like to talk
about yourself...
That's rare.
No, I don't mind
talking about myself.
But deep down, you're
more of a listener.
Um, yeah, I never really
thought about it that way.
I mean, yeah,
maybe you're right.
Do you actually like, uh,
listening to other people talk
or are you just too guarded
to talk about yourself?
Okay, are you gonna send me
a therapy bill or something?
Just go ahead,
ask me anything.
Okay, well,
what do you like?
I mean, what
makes you tick?
Uh, you mean is Consumer
Affairs my life's ambition?
No. I mean,
I like other things.
Like bungee jumping
and spelunking?
No.
More like watching "Dancing With
The Stars" and eating ice cream.
Ooh, wow, you are
a thrill seeker!
I like exciting
stuff too.
Like what?
I do, I don't know.
What do you do
that's exciting?
Come on.
Lots of things.
Like what?
Like archery.
See now we're
getting somewhere.
Archery.
Yep, actually, I was almost
on the Olympic team.
No! In Beijing?
No, uh, Athens, 2004.
Oh, how cool.
Yeah, I missed making
the team by two points.
Oh, that sucks.
Yeah, well...
So did you, uh, did
you try again in 2008?
No, I mean, it was really
something I was doing while
I was in college and afterwards
it was too much of a hassle
to get to
the range so...
So you just,
you gave up?
You make it sound like
I'm a quitter or something.
Like archery was
my life's dream,
I mean, it was
just a hobby.
But you were good at it.
Uh, yeah.
And you liked it?
Yeah... yeah.
You have a boyfriend?
Ah, see, I was wondering
how long it would take
before you got to that.
Come on now, I'm just
trying to communicate
with another
human being.
If we can't be honest
with total strangers,
who can we be
honest with?
Uh, it's complicated.
Uh-oh.
See, now I'm
very interested.
Uh, yes, I have a boyfriend but
I think he's cheating on me.
Go on.
Can we talk about
something else?
What? You don't know me
well enough to talk about
your cheating boyfriend?
My maybe cheating
boyfriend, and no,
no, I don't know you
at all actually.
Okay, well, maybe we can
do something to change that.
Let's see, ah, I gotta
go with "Star Wars. "
"Star Wars" what?
That is the most famous
movie I have never seen.
Are you kidding me?
No.
Who are you?
Everyone has
seen "Star Wars. "
I know, I know,
it's weird.
Maybe I'm just waiting for the
right person to see it with.
Whoa, does that line
actually work for you?
Do you like that?
It didn't work?
That was my best stuff.
Oh, look I gotta go.
I've got like, my queue
is beeping at me
and I have like
I'm probably gonna get fired
when my boss realizes
the network isn't
really down.
Would you call me back?
Uh, I don't know.
I have a whole list of
strangers I haven't called yet.
I got your number on caller ID,
can I... can I call you back?
Okay... Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Alright, see ya.
Alright, bye.
Bye.
Ah...
Kyle.
Okay.
Welcome to CPI Consumer
Affairs, my name is Erica.
Which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling
about today?
Oh yeah, hi!
I'm just calling about
this shredded cheese
that I just bought.
It says it's limited
edition cheddar.
Uh, that's right.
Our New York Cheddar shredded
cheese is available
for a limited time.
Yeah, but why?
I mean, I really like it and uh,
it's not like I can stock up,
it's cheese, it's not
gonna last forever.
You know, let me check to see
when the New York Cheddar
is available until.
Ah, good news, sir!
The New York Cheddar is
scheduled to be available
until next May.
Yeah, but what
happens after that?
Can I like petition CPI
to continue making
the New York Cheddar?
Uh, well, I can take down your
information and pass the word
onto the people who decide which
cheeses to make and if enough
people call, I'm sure they'll
continue to make it.
Yeah, yeah, okay!
It's worth a shot.
Okay great, so let me
get your information
and we can also send you
a coupon for a free bag
of New York Cheddar
shredded cheese
for providing us with
this valuable feedback.
Oh, okay. Great!
Hey.
What'd he say?
Who?
Hello! Alex.
You were supposed to call me
after you talked to him.
Oh, oh my God.
I'm so sorry,
I forgot.
Well actually, I tried to call
you but I miss dialed and I got
a wrong number and long story
short, I have been talking
to strangers on
the phone all day.
Isn't that what you
sort of do every day?
No.
I mean, yes, but these
are strangers I call.
I mean, I've been meeting
people over the phone.
What's wrong with you?
It's actually
kind of fun.
I'm having real
conversations with them.
Okay, Erica, I'm gonna
need you to focus here.
Did you or did you
not speak to Alex?
Yeah, yeah I did.
He said it was nothing and
that I'm being paranoid.
I'm supposed to go over
to his place tonight.
Are you kidding me?
He said the lunch
was business related.
Sara saw them, it was
not business related.
But what did he
do specifically?
I mean, did he kiss her?
Are you freaking
kidding me right now?
Are you taking his side?
Well, uh, you've obviously
been biased against Alex.
I mean, you've
never liked him.
Do you think I have
some sort of agenda?
I am your best
friend, okay?
I am doing this so that you
could one day possibly be happy.
I know, I'm sorry.
You deserve
someone great.
You are a fabulous human being
and Alex never acknowledged that
and that, my friend, is why
I do not like him and that is
also why you should dump
his sorry, flat ass.
I know, you're right.
I just, I mean, what
if he is cheating? Hmm?
I mean, I dump him
and then what?
I start dating again?
I just don't if I can
do that all over again.
I'd much rather be alone than be
with someone who didn't love me.
Yeah.
Uh, listen I've gotta,
I've gotta take care of
some of these calls.
Uh, I'm seeing him tonight
and I'll see how it goes.
Better not
sleep with him.
Okay, hun, I'll
talk to you later.
And you better call
me right afterwards.
Bye.
Welcome to CPI Consumer
Affairs, my name is Erica.
Which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling about today?
Hi, so here's the story.
I'm walking my dog, Ricky, and
he's got like the loose poops,
you know, not so loose that you
gotta like bring out the hose
or something but loose, right.
Okay.
I'm trying to pick it up and
it's hard because it's loose
and it's like oh, oh, it's kind
of runny, like whatever.
So, oh and by the way,
I'm talking to my girlfriend Amy
and she's just going on and on
and on and on about her sister
who's like a raging bitch.
She's like ah,
she's a fat cow, blah.
Okay, ma'am, which product
are you calling about?
I'm getting there.
So I'm talking to Amy,
I'm trying to pick up, like,
the loose poops, it's not
working, blah, blah, blah, blah,
uh, my phone falls
in the poo, right.
I'm like, disgusting,
this is insane, only me!
Okay, anyway.
So I go to pick up the phone.
With your hand?
No, not with my hand,
I'm like an animal to you?
No, with the poo bag.
Anyway, so I like take
the phone home, I'm like,
you know, gonna rinse it off,
you know, good as new, right?
Well, the little light comes on
basically saying the warranty
is void because it's come in
contact with water, whatever.
Okay, ma'am, CPI doesn't
manufacture cell phones.
You know what, I'm getting
to the point of my story
and I'm gonna need
you to be quiet.
Sorry ma'am.
Thanks, you're a peach.
Anyway, so I have my phone, I'm
going into the cell phone store
and I'm like, he's gonna give
me a new phone if he sees me,
if he just sees me.
So he's like, um, sorry
ma'am, I cannot help you,
the red light is on,
it's had contact with water,
blah, blah, blah, blah,
and I'm like I know
but you should
give me a new phone.
And he's like, I'm sorry
ma'am, I can't help you.
I'm livid!
Ma'am, I really have
to ask which product
you're calling about.
We have other callers waiting.
I could have sworn
I called Consumer Affairs.
Yes but -
I'm a consumer and I have an
affair that you need to handle.
Can you do your job?
Okay. I'm sorry.
So I'm pissed, right?
I am beyond pissed.
So I get in my car and
I run a red light, right.
So the cop is like ma'am, did
you see, uh, the red light,
you know and I was like, uh,
if I knew it was a red light,
I probably wouldn't have ran it
so I'm stupid now, I'm stupid.
Boom, I push him, whatever.
This leads to an illegal
search, in my opinion,
and he comes up with some
prescription pills and I do
have a prescription, ma'am,
for my anxiety but these,
these weren't those pills.
So I go to jail, right.
I go to jail.
He cuffs me, he stuffs me,
we go to jail and he's like
you're gonna need
a lawyer, a lawyer!
So anyway, so this
is where you come in.
I'm gonna need some
help with a lawyer.
Ma'am what does any of this have
to do with CPI or its products?
Have you been listening
to a word I have said?
It was your beef jerky that
gave Ricky the loose poo!
No, no, none of our products
contain chlorofluorocarbons.
CFCs were banned
in the U.S. in 1978.
No, I did not realize you could
use car wax for that purpose.
I'll be sure to pass
along your suggestion.
Okay.
No, no, you cannot get swine flu
from our pepperoni products.
Yes, I'm sure.
Yes.
CPI changes the design on
its boxes from time to time.
You like the picture
of the white lady
eating the cereal better?
I'll be sure to pass
on that comment.
Okay then.
Alright, we'll get that
coupon right out to you.
Okay, have a great day.
Hey.
Hey.
I was wondering how long you
could go without talking to me.
Yeah, yeah I know.
I just, uh, I was actually
heading to the gym
before you
called and, um -
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've totally been
wasting your time.
No, no that's just it.
I actually went to the gym
like I planned but I just,
um, I couldn't stop
thinking about you.
Really?
Yeah. How weird is that?
I mean, I don't even really
know you but I'm, you know,
I'm sitting there and I just
realize, I'm just picking up
things and putting them
down over and over again,
screw this, I'd rather be
home talking to Erica.
Yeah, I have that
effect on people.
Yeah, I guess you do.
Hey, uh, hang on a sec.
You there?
Yeah.
So, it's your dime, what
do you want to talk about now?
It's your dime?
How old are you?
Okay, touche.
No seriously, you know
all about my wonderful life
in consumer affairs so, uh,
what do you do for a living?
Please let it be something
worse than my job.
Ah, I'm sorry
to disappoint.
I'm an EMT.
Of course you are.
What's that
supposed to mean?
An EMT?
Well, it basically
means that you're hot,
you're in great shape and you
actually care about people.
Plus, you make more
money than a fireman so...
Ah, well see actually I'm part
of the unpaid internship program
for indifferent,
ugly people.
I stand corrected.
Yeah, it's new.
I'm not surprised you
haven't heard of it.
Okay, can I tell you
something really disgusting?
Okay.
I just ate an entire
batch of cookie dough mix.
Oh great.
Are you Bulimic?
No, I wish, I wish.
Actually I'm just fat.
That's funny, you don't
look fat in your picture.
What? Wait.
What picture?
The one on Facebook of you
and Samantha in the S&M gear.
It was Halloween!
Yeah, sure it was.
God.
Hey, you know what?
At least you
were the master.
Yeah, you know Sam
and I, you know,
we have a couple of drinks and
then we start to experiment...
Seriously?
No, you perv.
I don't know.
So what else did you
find out while you were
cyber stalking me?
Ah, I was just trying to
put a face to the voice.
Uh-huh.
Admit it.
You just wanted to
see if I was hot.
No.
Yeah, maybe.
And?
Yeah, you uh... yes,
mm-hmm, affirmative.
Okay, that's just not fair
because I have no idea
what you look like so.
Sure you do.
You know I'm extremely
hot, all EMTs are.
Come on!
I sent you
a friend request.
You did?
Hang on.
Kyle McAvoy.
Confirm.
Wait. Seriously?
You have your dog's picture
as your profile pic?
What's wrong with that?
A lot of people do that.
Yeah, if they're like
horribly disfigured
or part of the witness
protection program.
Yeah, or just
love your dog.
Oh well, that's what
Dogbook is for.
Dogbook?
What's Dogbook?
Oh wait, wait, wait.
Here is a real picture.
Oh...
Oh great.
Thank you.
That's just what
I want to hear.
What is the problem now?
Do you sleep with a
lot of women, Kyle?
Excuse me?
You are, uh, you're too good
looking to be monogamous.
I can't believe
you just said that.
Uh, oh damn.
I've gotta answer
some of these calls.
Just blow them off.
Okay, maybe for
a little while.
Well hang on, hang on.
Let me just check in
with my boss, okay?
Okay, I'll hold.
Okay, hold on.
Hi, Mr. Koffsky.
Hi, yeah it's, it's doing it
again, um, the network's down.
I can't see any calls.
Damn it, alright.
Let me see what
I can do on my end.
Listen, if I can't get this
figured out I'm gonna have
to send an IT guy over to
check out your computer.
Yeah, yeah, I mean,
because you know,
it keeps going in
and out and in and out
and oh look, look,
I can see them now,
I can see the calls.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
they're there.
Okay, alright, good.
Well, take the calls and
I'll see what I can do
about them checking
the server.
Oh, oh, okay.
Thanks.
Okay, where were we?
You were just telling
me how hot I am.
Right, and modest.
So modest.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, okay so what
do you want?
Right now?
I could use
some ice cream.
I thought you just ate
all that cookie dough.
Yeah and?
No, I mean,
uh, in life.
Oh...
Oh, we're going there.
Yes, yes, we've entered
the deep thoughts part
of the conversation.
Ah, um, I don't know,
what do you want?
That we're not
talking about me.
You keep deflecting.
Eh, I don't know.
I mean, what
does anyone want?
Love, happiness.
I thought you
had a boyfriend.
Yeah, I do,
forgot, sorry.
Um, God, I don't,
I mean, you know,
I know I want
a family someday.
Ah, see, now we're
getting somewhere.
Okay, um,
how many kids?
Maybe three.
Three, that's
a good number.
You know, they say that
you want as many kids
as you grew up with.
Hmm, that's funny because
I have an older sister
and a younger brother.
Oh, well see.
Yeah, okay.
And, let's see, what else.
I majored in
poli-sci in college.
Ah, where'd you go?
Cal State Fullerton.
SUNY Binghamton.
Ah.
Yeah, so you know I never really
wanted to work in Washington,
I mean, I wasn't that
interested in politics.
What are you
interested in?
Uh, nothing.
See, I'm not buying that, I know
from your Facebook page that
you're part of the unnecessary
quotation mark hunters group.
Yes!
I hate that shit.
Like when you go up to the
register and there's a sign
that says no checks please
in quotation marks.
Like, uh, "No checks please,"
said John the owner.
Yeah.
Or it's facetious.
Right.
So actually maybe, you know,
they do take checks.
Right, right.
Okay, so, um, you don't love
your job but you can't quit
because you don't know
what else you want to do.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Alright, well, I think you
should just a write a book
about life as
a Consumer Affairs Rep.
Oh yeah, I should do that.
I should totally do that.
I'm serious.
Tales from the trenches, most
ridiculous stories, you know,
dumbest people, just all the
crazy shit you deal with
every day.
You don't know
the half of it.
Yeah, well let me -
Let me listen in.
Yeah right.
No, I'm serious.
There's gotta be a way
you can connect me
into your calls, right?
Yeah, I mean, it's
easy to do, it's just,
I mean, what would
be the point?
I'm curious.
Besides I can hear your phone
beeping in the background.
I know you gotta take
some of those calls.
Uh...
Okay, let's do it.
Okay but, okay I'm gonna
hang up and call you back
but you have to be quiet okay,
because I can't mute it.
You got it.
Alright.
Hey. Are you there?
Yep.
Okay, don't say
anything, okay?
You got it.
Okay.
Hi, you've reached CPI Consumer
Affairs, this is Erica.
And which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling
about today?
Uh, yeah, hello.
I'm calling about
your refried beans.
Okay, and how
can I help you?
Well, I was just wondering
if you all sold beans
that were just
once fried?
Um, excuse me?
Well, well you see, I just
started this new diet and I
thought I would cut back on the
refried beans and just you know
get beans that were once fried,
but then I couldn't find them
anywhere and then the man down
at the Kroger said that
he ain't never heard of such
a thing as a once fried bean.
Oh, you know what I have some
good news for you today, ma'am.
Our refried beans
are only fried once.
Then why you call them refried?
Well, that actually is
a very common question.
Actually, refried beans are not
fried and then fried again.
It comes from a mistranslation
of the Spanish
"frijoles refritos. "
See in Spanish you put a "re"
in front of the word to make
an emphasis, so literally
frijoles refritos translates
to "well fried beans,"
but English speakers assume
the "re" means "again"
like in English,
so they mistranslate
it to refried beans.
But rest assured CPI's refried
beans are only fried once and
in fact, our nonfat refried
beans aren't fried at all.
Okay, uh, so do you sell just
once fried beans or not?
Yes ma'am, we make
once fried beans,
we just call them
refried beans.
Okay.
You see, that don't
make no damn sense.
Well, I just explained, ma'am,
it comes from the mistranslation
of the Spanish
for ref -
Okay, whatever!
Bitch!
Okay.
Uh, you are such a liar.
You have the greatest
job on Earth.
What are you
talking about?
You get paid to surf the
Internet for fascinating trivia.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
You're like
a human Googler.
If I have a question, I'm not
just gonna look up the answer on
my own, I'm gonna call you and
you're gonna look it up for me.
I'm reading off
of our product page.
Still, I didn't know that
about refried beans.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, I'm sure there
are several CPI products
that would be of
interest to you.
Let's do another one.
Uh, okay, hang on.
Going again.
Hi, welcome to CPI Consumer
Affairs, this is Erica.
Which one of our
fabulous products
are you calling
about today?
Well, I'm not sure
the name of it.
Okay, uh, was it
a food product?
Yes.
They had this cereal
on the cruise
that Marvin
really enjoyed.
Okay, so you need the name of
the cereal so you can buy it
for your husband, Marvin?
Marvin's not my husband.
My husband Leonard died 22 years
ago this May, God rest his soul.
Okay, who's Marvin?
None of your business, nosy.
My apologies, ma'am.
Okay, well CPI makes dozens
of delicious cereals.
What did it taste like?
I don't know.
I didn't have any.
Marvin couldn't
get enough of it.
I don't care for cereal.
Uh, well, well you're not giving
me a lot to go on here, ma'am.
Well, I think it
had raisins in it.
Uh, okay.
Uh, was it
Raisin Bran perhaps?
I think I'd recognize
Raisin Bran, young lady.
Do you think
I'm an idiot?
Uh, no ma'am, I'm just
trying to nail down
this mysterious
cereal here.
Oh and now you're
getting smart with me.
Uh, okay.
You know what, our website has
pictures and descriptions
of all of our cereals.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
If I wanted to use all that
World Wide Web stuff,
I wouldn't have to
call you now, would I?
Can you tell me the name
of the cereal or not?
Uh, ma'am, are you certain
it's a CPI product?
You know, Kellogg's and Post
also make cereals with raisins.
That's right, pass the buck,
pass the buck to someone else.
That's what's wrong
with this country today,
everyone's trying
to pass the buck.
Hello, the box
had C-P-I on it.
I think it had
raisins and nuts.
Hello ma'am, this is
Sven Jorgenson from
CPI Consumer Affairs,
I'm Erica's supervisor
and I've been monitoring
this call.
Uh, I got this Sven.
Ma'am, was the cereal
a Harvest Grain Medley?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
that's the name of it!
Yes.
I thought it might be.
How did you know, Sven?
Ma'am, I'm so sorry
Erica wasn't able
to answer your
question today.
And she's fresh too.
She's arrogant and she doesn't
know her product line.
Yes, Erica does have
a very smart mouth.
Hold on a second.
For that I apologize
as well.
As a token of our appreciation
and as a courtesy for our poor
customer service, we are going
to be sending you a brand new,
free CPI microwave oven.
Oh, really?
No, no.
No, we're not.
Yes we are, just
stay on the line
and we will get
your information.
Now if you hear a dial tone,
that doesn't mean you were
disconnected, it just means
that we are processing
your brand new
CPI microwave oven.
Oh, well, that's
more like it.
Thank you,
Mr. Jorgenson.
No, thank you
so much.
Now please hold.
Uh, that was mean.
Yeah, she deserved
it though.
Yeah maybe, but now she's
just gonna call back
and demand her oven.
Sorry.
I just got carried away.
Yeah, but you can't give
away microwave ovens.
What, you can't?
No, you can't.
Oh.
You know, they do monitor
some of these calls.
Oh my gosh and
she has my name.
I'm gonna get fired.
I thought you
hated your job?
Uh, yeah, but I hate being
homeless even more.
It was fun though?
Yeah, fine, fun, but I'm
sure it'd be fun to go on
a ride-along with you and go
through your passenger's wallets
while you're
reviving them.
Who told you we do that?
A- ha!
Look, I can't quit my job
because I have absolutely
no marketable skills
whatsoever.
Unless somebody's
looking for archers.
Yes, yes.
Someone with a moat and
unruly barbarian neighbors.
Yeah, have you considered
talking to head hunters
about a career
in long bow work?
Yes, actually.
Hey, have you ever answered
a call like pretending
to be a machine
or something?
Oh yeah,
all the time.
Yeah like, you'd go,
beep, you know,
press one for more options
or something like that.
Let's give it a shot.
Yes!
Hang on.
Okay, are you ready?
Yeah.
For questions or comments about
our canned goods, press one.
For electronic items,
press two.
For dry goods like cereals
or pancake mix, press three.
Dry goods, if you are calling
because you found a stone
in your stone-ground
oatmeal, press one.
If you have a question
about how to use one of
our fantastic granola bar
products, press two.
For all other questions
or concerns, press three.
You've reached the
CPI bacon hotline.
If you're calling with
a question or concern
about frying, press one.
If you're calling about how to
make your bacon even smokier,
go on and press two.
You pressed
the wrong number.
For questions or comments
about giving bacon
as a gift,
press three.
Operator!
You've reached CPI
Consumer Affairs.
For English, press one.
I already did that!
Cheerio.
For queries about our scones
and tea cake mix,
kindly depress the
zed key presently.
Oh, what the shit
is the zed key?
I give up.
That was classic.
Oh my God.
I'm getting fired!
You see, you got
a career in comedy.
I'm serious, you should
write about this stuff.
Oh my gosh!
I like you so much.
I... wow, I'm sorry,
that was weird.
Nah, that's okay.
I like you too.
I'm totally embarrassed.
It's okay, Erica.
You said what you were
feeling, that's okay.
That's enjoyable.
Who cares?
Uh, let's talk about
something else, okay?
Okay, uh, you ready to
talk about your boyfriend?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Let's, um, let's talk
about my boyfriend.
I guess I know you
well enough now.
I could give you my
social security number.
Yes and your
bank statements.
Right.
Uh, okay...
So, uh, here's the story.
Um, Alex works at this big
pharmaceutical company and, uh,
he's the regional sales manager
and one of the associates on
his team is this slutty, totally
slutty girl named Amanda.
I like her already.
Yeah, well, she knows that Alex
and I are together and yet,
she insists on plying
him with little gifts
and calling him on the
weekends just to talk.
So they're friends.
Yeah right.
Anyway, I've seen the texts
she sent Alex and it's like
she's basically all but inviting
him over for a booty call and I
confronted Alex about it and he
was like oh you know, she's just
kidding, whatever, like it was
some sort of inside office joke.
Okay, so maybe they're
sleeping together, maybe not.
Okay, then last Friday my friend
Sara saw the two of them
together at the Olive Garden
and they were totally -
Wait.
Hold up.
Stop right there.
The Olive Garden,
seriously?
Yeah. Why?
People really go to
the Olive Garden?
Yes, people really go
to the Olive Garden
and what does that have
to do with anything?
Nothing, it's just -
okay, have you ever seen
commercials for
the Olive Garden?
Where they've got that garlic
parmesan cheese sauce or
whatever the hell it is, it
looks like throw up, you know?
Yeah, it kind of does.
I mean, I would rather
eat a plate of vomit
than that cream sauce.
Okay, Olive Garden cream
sauce looks like vomit.
What, did the Olive Garden
kill your dog or something?
Yeah, like I'd take my dog
anywhere near that place.
Now if you want
really good Italian,
there's this incredible
place on Sullivan Street.
They've got this
unbelievable veal parmesan.
See, I'm a
vegetarian so...
Right, I forgot, I'm dealing
with Miss California here.
Okay well there's an eggplant
parm, it's really good there.
Ah.
Are you Italian
or something?
No I'm Scotch-Irish but,
uh, I mean, come on, I can,
I know the difference between
good Italian food
and the Olive Garden.
Okay, are you done?
Yes, sorry.
So, uh, your classy
boyfriend took his hot,
young co-worker out for
a fine meal of breadsticks
and endless salad.
Yes, and they're both sitting
on the same side of the booth,
totally cuddling.
Did they kiss?
No, but you can tell
from their body language
that something
is going on.
According to Sara who
told you this directly?
No, according to Sara
who told my best friend Sam
and she told me directly.
Yeah... I don't know.
I mean, even if what Sara
saw was conveyed accurately,
I mean, who knows
what that means.
So you don't think
he's cheating on me?
You want to
know the truth?
Yeah, of course I want
to know the truth.
The truth is it's
over either way.
Okay, say he's
cheating, right.
That's an easy one, you dump his
ass unless you're one of those
women who wants to grow up and
live the rest of your life
with a philandering husband
that you think you can change.
Okay so, what if
he's not cheating?
It doesn't matter.
You're already with
someone you don't trust,
you can't talk to and you
don't love, so who cares.
But I do love him.
Oh.
Sorry, I have to gag.
Are you serious?
Really?
I mean, is your self-esteem
so low that you think
this guy is the
best you can do?
Come on.
I mean, are you that insecure
that you don't think
you deserve
someone better?
Someone like you?
Yeah, okay.
Someone like me.
Okay, Kyle McAvoy,
tell me, if you're so great,
why are you still single?
Ah right, of course,
'cause if a man is available
then there must be something
wrong with him.
Well that's been
my experience, yes.
Okay.
Well, FYI, I just got out of
a relationship with a woman,
and I use that term loosely,
who was giving blow jobs
to strangers for cocaine
and when I ended it,
she tried to
kill herself.
Wow!
You must be a great
judge of character.
Yeah, thank you.
And by the way, I think
she stole my watch.
I'm sorry,
that's funny.
It is,
it's hysterical.
You had no idea
about any of this?
No, I mean, yeah now, sure
it seems obvious, I mean,
why was she having bloody noses
all the time and herpes,
but love blinds
you, you know.
Yeah, I guess.
P.S. I don't
have herpes.
Oh, congratulations,
that's good.
Yeah, thank you.
I'm glad I, uh,
dodged that bullet.
Look, I'm sorry I, uh, I guess
I don't know you all that well
but it just seems to
me that you either,
you demand that people
treat you with respect
or you just get walked on
the rest of your life.
I mean then,
what then?
Say I... say I do everything
you're saying and I quit my job
and I break up with my boyfriend
and I strip my life down bare
to the few things that I'm
actually proud of, then what?
I mean, so what then?
Then you hold
your head up high
and you venture out
into the unknown.
Instead of playing it safe
with what you know,
you take a chance
on what could be.
It sounds so romantic
when you say it.
Uh...
So what's it gonna be?
Oh, hold on.
Crap, that's him.
I've gotta go, I have
to take this call.
I'll call you back?
Good luck.
Thank you.
Hey.
Hey babe.
I'm getting
out of here.
You still
coming over?
Um, yeah... I mean,
I don't know.
Look, we need to talk.
Oh Jesus, here we go.
I just think that our
relationship is in trouble
if we can't talk about
the situation with Amanda
like mature adults.
Are you finished?
No.
I just think that
we need to really -
Look, Erica, I love you but
this bullshit has got to stop.
I can't spend all my time
arguing with you
about something that
didn't even happen.
I just want you to
be honest with me.
You want me to be
honest with you? Hmm?
Alright, here's a
dose of reality.
I am about this close to
ending this with you, okay?
And then who is gonna put
up with your bullshit?
I'm gonna tell you who,
his name is no one, okay?
So why don't you
just stop the drama,
grab your two piece
and come over, alright?
Alright.
Oh, and can you pick up
some beer on the way over?
Yeah sure.
Alright, great.
Look, um, I'm sorry that I had
to be so direct with you,
but I only do it because
I love you, okay?
Chin up.
I'll see you soon.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
That was unexpected.
Kyle?
Nice job.
You were on
the whole time?
Yep.
So you just heard,
I'm, I'm sorry.
I just couldn't.
Look, I got no stake in this,
I was just trying to help
but, you know,
it's your life.
Kyle, I don't want you
to think that I'm -
Hey, don't sweat it,
you know, I mean,
it's not like
I know you for real.
Yeah, you do.
I think maybe you're
the only who does.
I'm gonna go now.
Okay... yeah.
Bye, Erica.
Goodbye, Kyle.
Welcome to CPI,
this is Erica,
which one of our products
are you calling about?
Hi, yeah, I bought one of
your potato shredders
and it's, uh, totally stuck.
Um, excuse me, the what?
Potato shredder.
Potato shredder?
I'm not showing any potato
shredders manufactured by CPI.
Are you sure it's a CPI product?
Um, yeah.
It says CPI right here.
Can you, um, can you
describe the product ma'am?
Well, it's a potato shredder
like for hash browns.
I'm not seeing any
potato shredders
in our products database.
Well you put a potato
in the shredder,
you flip a switch and then the
hash browns fill a receptacle.
Okay, so it's an electronic.
Yeah, it plugs in.
What does the
receptacle look like?
Mmm, kind of like a garbage can.
By any chance does it
say cross shredder?
Yes, yes, it says
cross shredding action.
Ma'am, that's a paper shredder.
Oh, it shreds paper, too?
It shreds paper only.
You've been putting potatoes
into a paper shredder.
Oh...
Well, how do I
get it unstuck?
Seriously?
Are you really that stupid?
Excuse me?
Um, I'd like to speak
to your supervisor.
You want a second opinion?
Okay, you're a moron.
How's that?
# Lay down, lay down
Whoa... #
# Lay down
Lay down, whoa #
# Another day with
nothing left to say #
# A couple years
down the road #
# The girl I met
is now a silhouette #
# Of someone
I used to know #
# So can we please try
and find our way #
# Back to where
it all began #
# Because somewhere
in those tired eyes #
# Memories of that
silly night #
# Are we strong enough
to last? #
# Lay down, lay down
Whoa... #
What?
Hey, what happened?
Nothing.
Are you crying?
No.
What did he
do to you?
Who? Alex?
Nothing... I'm going over
there in a little while.
Well, then why are
you crying now?
It's a long story...
I met this guy.
What?
Where? When?
Wait, what?
On the phone.
He's one of the
people I called...
this really nice guy,
Kyle, he's an EMT and
I don't know, we just
totally connected.
We've been
talking all day.
Oh my God, this is
very romantical.
Yeah well, don't
get too excited.
First of all, he lives in
New York and second of all,
I just totally
blew it with him.
What happened?
He was on the phone
when Alex called.
Ooh...
Yeah, and he heard me totally
wimp out and not stick up
for myself and now he thinks
I'm a psycho bitch
with low self-esteem.
I'm sure he doesn't,
call him back.
I can't.
Why? Why not?
If he's as great
as you say he is,
then he'll totally
give you another chance.
I don't know, maybe.
Look, call him back.
At this point, what have
you got to lose, right?
Do it, call him.
Do it now.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Okay, call me later.
Alright,
love you, bye.
Hey, it's Kyle,
um, yeah...
Hey, it's Kyle,
um, yeah...
Hello?
Kyle, are you there?
Kyle?
Hello?
Hi, this is Peter Rawlins
from the Tyra Banks Show.
Seriously?
Yes, seriously.
May I please speak to
Amanda Feeny please?
This is Amanda.
Hi Amanda.
Listen, Tyra is doing an
episode on office romances
and we got your name
from an Alex Santiago?
Yeah, I work with Alex.
Oh, well Alex says that you two
are having a relationship
and we wanted to fly you
both out to New York City
for a taping
of the show.
Oh my God.
Seriously?
Yes, that's right.
We'll be flying you both
first class courtesy of
American Airlines and
you'll be staying in
hotel accommodations courtesy
of the Hyatt-Regency.
Oh my God.
This is so cool!
Now before we book you, we do
have to verify a few things.
First off, Alex says you two are
having an interoffice romance.
Is that correct?
Yeah, we are.
Great.
Now, do any of your coworkers
know about the relationship?
No.
Oh, well, Rob does.
That's Alex's boss.
I'm kind of hooking
up with him, too.
Mmm, great.
That sounds fabulous.
Now do either you or Alex
have any relationships
outside of the office?
No.
Alex isn't
seeing anyone?
No.
Are you sure?
Um, Alex says he
has a girlfriend.
Who? That Erica chick?
No, they're not serious.
Okay. Are you sure?
Alex says he, uh, he's in
love with this Erica girl.
No, he's not.
He said she was like a
once in a while hook up
and then she got clingy
so he dumped the bitch.
Okay, that's
all we need.
So am I going to New York?
Yeah, yeah.
I know you're gonna be
the star of the show.
In fact, Tyra is going to
personally pick you up at
the airport and drive you
in her limo to the studio.
Shut up!
Yeah, so can you be at
LAX tomorrow at 5:00 AM?
Totally.
Fabulous.
Well, I guess
you were right.
I'm really sorry.
I just thought you'd
want to know the truth.
How'd you get
her info anyway?
Facebook mostly.
Of course.
Erica, I'm,
I'm truly sorry.
I didn't mean to -
I know, I know...
I know.
So what are
you gonna do?
Something I should have
done a long time ago.
Good luck.
Thanks, thanks.
Hey babe.
Uh, where are you?
What's going on?
What are you doing?
Dumping your ass.
What? Whoa!
Whoa, whoa!
Now let's not get all
excited, baby girl.
Tell me what
the problem is.
The problem is I deserve
better than you, Alex.
Yeah, well,
good luck with that.
Screw you.
Screw me?
Erica look, you are a
customer service rep, okay?
And let's face it, you are
not getting any younger,
so if you think that you
can do better than me,
well, you need a serious
reality check.
I know I can do
better than you
and I think I've
already found him.
Do you know what you're
doing right now, huh?
Yeah, yeah...
I'm taking a chance.
Okay, uh,
whatever...
Goodbye Alex.
Babe, baby, baby.
Oh, and by the way,
your friend, Amanda,
is also sleeping
with your boss.
Jesus Christ.
Hi, what is it,
Mr. Koffsky?
Uh, IT can't seem to find any
problem with the network.
Oh really?
That's weird.
Yeah, and they say your
computer's been online all day.
Hmm, uh, I don't know,
maybe it's something
wrong with my laptop.
Erica?
Yes, Mr. Koffsky?
Cut the bullshit.
Excuse me?
Let me play
something for you.
Okay.
Are you really
that stupid?
Um, I'd like to speak
to your supervisor.
You want a second opinion?
Okay, you're a moron.
How's that?
How did you get that?
Some of your conversations are
recorded for quality assurance.
Oh yeah.
Erica, what the hell's
the matter with you?
Uh, I don't know.
I'm sorry,
I just lost it.
I'm just having
a really weird day.
And all this crap about
the network being down.
I know, I was lying.
Look, I just needed
some time today
to reconnect with
the real world.
What are you
talking about?
It doesn't matter.
So, am I fired?
Ha! Do you think?
I understand.
Look, Erica, if you were
having personal issues,
you could have
just told me.
I know, I'm sorry,
I just...
No, it's fine,
it's fine, I mean,
this is not like my long-term
career path anyway, right.
I mean, life's too short to
spend it doing something
you don't love.
Ah, well, you know what, let me
give you some advice there,
I mean, 'cause that all sounds
really good in theory,
but in the real world,
people work, you know.
I mean, they go out and they
do things that aren't all fun
and games because they need
to make money to buy food
and pay the rent.
I mean, you know, we're laying
people off left and right here
and it is so hard to find
another job, it just -
Look, what do you say I give you
one more chance but you promise
me that you will never pull any
of those stunts again, hmm?
What do you say?
I really appreciate
that Mr. Koffsky, I do.
It's just that, maybe
it's better this way.
I mean, I need to, uh,
step out of my comfort zone
or at least get out
of my apartment.
I just, you know, venture
out into the unknown.
Okay, I understand.
Um, I can give you
two weeks' severance.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Koffsky.
Good luck, Erica.
Thank you.
Ah!
Hey.
Hey.
How'd it go?
Uh, it's fine.
It's over and
I quit my job.
No, fired actually.
I got hired back and
then I turned it down.
Whoa...
Uh, I never
told you to -
I'm taking a chance.
Good for you.
Um, can I ask you
a question?
What? So now you
ask permission?
Why do you, why do
you even like me?
Mostly for
the archery.
No seriously.
I'm just, I'm just
a Consumer Affairs Rep.
Former Consumer
Affairs Rep.
Right.
I'm not special.
Are you kidding me?
How many people would
turn a wrong number into
an opportunity to meet people,
to connect with strangers.
I mean...
I don't know...
I don't know.
You made a difference in
people's lives today, Erica.
Yeah, not like you do.
Just as important.
You think that lady in
Nebraska gets to talk
to people every day?
I mean, her children
don't even talk to her.
Yeah, I guess.
What about me?
What about you?
It's weird, but I have real,
I have real feelings for you.
What?
I think this could be
something, you know.
Something important.
I have to meet you.
I can book a flight
in the morning.
Sorry, I can't
hear you.
I need to fly out
and see you.
There's, sorry, there's
an ambulance going by.
I hear it, too.
You hear that?
I can hear it
outside.
Isn't that weird?
Wait... What?
Where are you?
L.A.
But your number,
your number is 917.
I moved here a month ago
and why bother change it?
You didn't think that
was worth mentioning?
You never asked.
But we can hear
the same ambulance.
Yeah.
Where are you exactly?
Hi.
I'm Kyle.
Erica.