Miss in Her Teens (2014) Movie Script
1
Too long has farce,
neglecting nature's laws,
Debas'd the stage,
and wronged the comic cause.
To raise a laugh has been
her sole pretence,
Tho' dearly purchas'd at
the price of sense.
This child of folly gain'd
increase with time;
Fit for the place,
succeeded Pantomime.
Reviv'd her honours,
join'd her motley band,
And song, and low conceit
o'erran the land.
More gen'rous views inform
our author's breast.
[Giggles]
From real life his
characters are dressed.
He seeks to trace the
passions of mankind.
And while he
spares the person,
paints the mind.
In pleasing contrast
he attempts to show
the vap'ring Bully,
and the frib'ling Beau.
Cowards alike,
that full of martial airs,
and this as tender
as the silk he wears.
[Applause]
[faint battle sounds
in the distance]
The bard, who's hopes
on comedy depend...
[explosion sound]
...must strive instruction
with delight to blend.
While he who bounds his
less aspiring views to farce,
the combrush of
the comic muse,
with pleasantry alone
may fill the scene.
His business chiefly this,
to cure the spleen.
To raise the pensive mind
from grave to gay,
and help to laugh our
thoughtful hour away.
"Dearest darling Rhodophil,
my love for you remains
fixed and ardent.
These long six months past
since your being called away,
have weighed
heavy in my heart.
My ears tingle,
my face flushes,
my heart beats
and I tremble every
jot of me...
...until your return."
Puff, what news
from the Commander?
Oh,
it should just be one more,
final push to break
the line, Sir.
[Sighs]
Pray, Sir,
may I be so bold...
[horns in the distance]
Pick up your flats and
sharps, Puff,
we must have at them.
[battle sounds]
Proud to divert,
not anxious for renown,
oft has our Bard essay'd
to please the town...
Your full applause
out-paid his little art,
he boasts no merit,
but a grateful heart.
Pronounce your doom,
he'll patiently submit,
ye sovereign judges of
all works of wit!
To you the ore is brought,
a lifeless mass,
you give the stamp,
and then the coin may pass.
Boo!
Boo!
[Grunts]
[Applause]
This is the place
we were directed to;
and now, Puff, if I can get no
intelligence of her,
what will become of me?
And me too,
Sir.
Why did you leave the
Army so abruptly
and not give me
time to fill my knapsack
with the common
necessaries?
I was wild to get away,
and as soon as I obtained
my leave of absence I
thought every moment
an age till I returned
to the place where
I first saw this young,
charming,
innocent,
bewitching creature...
With fifteen thousand
pounds to her fortune -
strong motives
I must confess.
But pray, Sir,
did you take fire before
you knew of her fortune?
Before,
upon my honour.
Folly and constitution -
but on, Sir.
Now we are gotten to the
place of action,
propose your plan of operation.
My father lives but in the
next street, so I must
decamp immediately for
fear of discoveries;
but you are not known
to be my servant,
therefore make what inquiries
you can in the neighbourhood,
and I shall wait at the inn
for your intelligence.
I'll...er...
patrol hereabouts,
and examine all who pass;
ah but ah, Sir,
I've, I've,
forgotten her name,
erm, Miss Biddy...
Belair.
- Miss Biddy Belair.
A woman of wit,
beauty
and fifteen thousand
pounds of fortune.
Oh, but, Sir?
- What, Puff?
If it pleases you to
consider, I had a wife
in town whom I left somewhat
abruptly half a year ago.
You'll think it,
but decent, I believe...
Pr'ythee don't distract me;
a moment's delay
is of the utmost
consequence.
I must insist upon an
immediate compliance
with my commands.
The devil is in these
fiery young fellows!
Let me acquaint you with the
particulars of his passion.
When the Captain
left the University,
which is seven months since,
his father, who loves his
money better than his son,
would not settle
a farthing upon him.
Instead he purchased him
a pair of colours at
my masters own request.
But before he joined...
Thank you.
Before he joined his regiment,
which was going abroad,
he took a ramble
into the countryside with
a fellow-collegian to see
a relative of his
who lived in Berkshire.
He was introduced to the
family by the name of...
Rhodophil?
I assure you, Bob,
Miss Biddy Belair is a young
woman of sensible vivacity
and fanciful ideals.
Why Rhodophil?
You may not have noticed,
Bob, but since her arrival here
she has done
only two things;
shot timid glances
in your direction,
and had her nose
firmly planted in
Marriage a La Mode.
[Giggles]
Rhodophil it is!
Miss Felicity Fettiplace,
your servant.
William, I believe
you've met my friend,
Miss Biddy Belair.
- Enchanted.
May I introduce my good
friend, Rhodophil.
Oh!
[Laughs]
The Captain took
fire at once and
vowed eternal constancy.
Rhodophil?
What a coincidence,
William.
At the end of three weeks
he was obliged to attend
the call of honour
in Flanders.
[Gun fire]
As soon as he was given
leave of absence
the Captain left the army to
fulfil his promise
of returning to Miss Biddy
at the first opportunity.
We did so, but we found
the house shut up
and all the information
we could get was that
Miss and her aunt were
removed to town and
live somewhere near
this part of it.
Get here!
[gate squeaks open]
Who's that?
My old acquaintance,
Jasper?
What,
Puff!
Are you here?
- My dear friend!
Still easy and happy!
Toujours le meme!
What intrigues now?
What girls have you ruined
since you and I used
to beat up together?
Business has been very
brisk during the war.
Men are scarce,
you know;
not as I can say I
ever wanted amusement
in the worst of times.
But harkye,
Puff...
Oh, shhh,
not a word aloud!
I am incognito.
Why faith, I should not
have known you if you had
not spoke first; I should
say you are a little
dishabille too,
as well as incognito.
Are you from the wars?
Piping hot,
I can assure you, Jasper;
and smoke will tarnish.
Men that go into such
service as I have been in,
will find their clothes
a little worse for wear.
But how is it with you?
You still serve,
I see?
I suppose you live
in that house there?
Oh,
I don't absolutely live,
but I am most of my time there;
I have within
these two months entered into
the service of an old
gentleman, who hired a
reputable servant and
dressed him as you see,
because he has taken it
into his head to fall in love.
Oh, false appetite
and second childhood!
Pr'ythee, what's the
object of his passion?
No less a virgin with
fifteen thousand pounds.
The toothless old dotard!
And he mumbles and plays
with her till his mouth waters;
then he chuckles
till he cries,
and calls it his Bid,
and his Bidsy...
Bidsy!
What is that?
Ah,
her name is Biddy.
Miss... Biddy Bellair.
- Biddy Bellair.
The same.
To be sure,
I have no luck.
Oh,
I have heard of her.
But is it settled?
Is the marriage fixed?
Not absolutely;
the girl, I believe,
detests him;
but her aunt,
a good prudent lady,
has given her consent,
if he can gain her niece's.
How it will end
I can't tell,
but I am hot upon't myself.
The devil! Not marriage,
I hope.
Oh, that is not
yet determined.
Who is the lady?
A maid in the same family,
a woman of honour,
I assure you.
She has one husband already,
a scoundrel sort of fellow
who has run away from her
and listed as a soldier;
so she hopes
towards the end of
the campaign to have a
certificate he's
knocked o'th' head.
If not,
I suppose
we shall settle
matters another way.
Well,
speed the plough.
But hark ye, consummate
without the certificate.
Keep your neck out
of the collar, do.
I have wore it these two
years past, and
damnably galled
am I by it.
I shall take your advice,
but I must run away
to my master who will be
impatient for an answer
to his message.
[Calling] If you have an hour,
you'll catch me at
George's or the Tilt-Yard.
Au Revoir,
as we say abroad.
Thus we are as civil and
as false as our betters.
Jasper and I ever
hated each other,
yet we always
kiss and shake hands.
But now to my master,
with a head full of news,
and a heart full of joy.
Angels and Ministers
of Grace, defend me!
It can't be!
It is that fretful
porcupine.
My wife!
What shall I do?
I'll try to avoid her.
It must be him!
I'll swear to the rogue
at a miles distance;
he either has not seen me
or won't know me.
I sweat.
I tremble.
She comes upon me!
Pray,
good sir,
if I may be so bold...
I have nothing for you,
good woman,
pr'ythee leave me be.
If your honour pleases
to look this way...
Ha ha!
This kingdom is
overrun with beggars,
I suppose the last I gave to
has sent this one.
But, I, I have no more
loose silver about my person.
Pr'ythee,
away with you.
I can hold no longer.
[Gasps]
Oh you villain,
you!
Where have you been,
scoundrel?
Here watch,
watch!
Zounds, I shall have
my pockets picked.
Own me this minute, hang dog,
and confess everything,
or by the rage
of an injured woman,
I'll raise the neighbourhood,
throttle you,
and send you to Newgate.
...Amazement!
What,
my own dear Tag!
Oh, come to my arms,
and let me press thee
to my heart,
which pants for thee,
and only thee,
my one true and lawful wife.
Tell me,
rascal,
why you left me and where you
have been these six months?
We'll save my adventures
for our happy winter evenings.
And all I'll say for now
is that my heart
beat so strong in my
country's ca...
You left me to starve,
villain, and beg my bread.
I left too little too
hastily, I must confess,
and often has my
conscience stung me for it.
But I am gotten into an
officer's service,
have been in some actions,
gained some credit
by my behaviour,
and am now
returned with my master
to indulge in the
gentler passions.
Don't think to fob me off
with this nonsensical talk;
what have you
brought me home beside?
Hmm.
Honour...
and...
immoderate love.
Oh, I could tear
your eyes out.
Temperance,
or I walk off.
Temperance,
traitor,
temperance?
What can you say
for yourself?
Leave me to the
wide world...
Why, I have been in
the wide world too.
What would the woman have?
Reduce me to the necessity
of going to service.
Why, I have been in
service to, huh?
Your lord and master.
Come,
where dost thou live,
hereabouts?
Give me a kiss and tell me
where I may pay my duty to thee.
There I live;
at that house.
What,
that house there?
Yes, there, that house.
- Ha ha! Huzzah!
We're made forever,
you slut, you!
Huzzah!
Prepare for an
inundation of joy!
My master is in love
with your Miss Biddy,
over head, over ears,
and she with him.
Now I know she is courted
by some old fumbler,
and the aunt is not against
the match, but my master
must marry the lady,
and the old gentleman
may go to the devil.
Heyday!
Say no more,
the dice are thrown.
Go to your mistress,
tell her Rhodophil will be
with her immediately;
now, if the blood does not
mount to her face like
quicksilver in the
weather-glass and
point to extreme hot...
believe the whole thing a lie,
and your husband no politician.
Hold Tag!
I had forgot.
How does Mr. Jasper do?
Mr. Jasper?
Oh! What,
out of countenance?
Oh fie!
Speak on.
And, er, the certificate,
when comes that?
Are you not a jade?
Are you not a Jezebel?
Aren't you a...
O ho,
temperance!
Or I walk off...
Tag, where are you,
Tag?
My old lady calls; away,
to your master,
and I'll prepare his
reception within.
Shall I bring
the certificate?
Go, you graceless rogue,
you richly deserve it.
Who was that man you
were talking to, Tag?
Oh, a, a, a cousin of
mine, Madam,
that has brought me some news
of my Aunt in the country.
Where's my niece?
Why are you not
you with her?
She, she bid me leave
her alone, Madam.
She's so melancholy, I don't
know what's come over her...
The thoughtfulness that is
natural upon the approach
of matrimony, generally
occasions a decent concern.
And do you think,
Madam,
a husband of
threescore and five...
Hold, Tag, he protests
to me he is but
five and fifty.
Well, he is a rogue,
Madam, and an old rogue,
and a fumbling
old rogue...
Alas! Youth or age,
'tis all one to her;
she is all simplicity
without experience.
I should prefer a large
jointure to a small one,
that's all. I would not
force her inclinations,
but she's so innocent she
won't know the difference.
Innocence!
Ne'er trust to that,
Madam.
Oh, 'tis impossible that
Biddy should have desires,
she's but newly come
out of the country.
I have observed...
she does not eat,
nor she does not sleep.
She sighs and she cries
and,
well she loves moonlight.
These, I take it,
are very strong symptoms.
Ha.
They are very unaccountable,
I must confess;
but you speak
from a depraved mind, Tag,
hers is simple
and untainted.
She'll make him a cuckold
though for all that,
if you force her
to marry him.
You shock me with your
coarse expressions.
I tell you, her chastity
will be her guard...
Chastity!
Never trust to that,
Madam.
Get her a husband that's
fit for her, and
I'll be bound for her virtue.
Well,
Tag,
the child shall never have
reason to repent of my severity;
I was going to my
lawyer's to speak about
the articles of marriage,
but I will put a stop to 'em
now for some time,
'til we can make further...
discoveries.
Heaven will bless you
for your goodness.
I'll set my pump at work,
and draw something
from her before your return,
I warrant you.
Oh, how unfortunate
a poor girl am I.
I dare not tell my secrets
to anybody,
and if I don't I'm undone.
Oh,
heigho!
Tag.
Pray, Tag, is my aunt gone
to her lawyer's about me?
Heigho!
Oh, what's that sigh for,
my dear young mistress?
I didn't sigh,
not I...
Nay, never gulp 'em down,
they are the worst things
you can swallow.
There's something in that
little heart of yours, and
will burst it at last,
if you don't give it vent.
What would you have
me tell you, Tag?
You are afraid
I'll betray you,
but I may do you some service
you little think of.
It is not in your power,
Tag, to give me what I want.
Not directly,
perhaps;
but I may be the means
of helping you to it;
as for example, if you should
not like to marry the old man
your aunt designs for you, one
might find a way to break...
His neck,
Tag?
Or the match;
either will do.
Oh,
indeed.
I shouldn't care which so
long as I was clear of him.
But I don't think I'm
fit to be married.
To him you mean.
You have no objection to
marriage, but the man,
and I applaud you for it.
But come,
courage, miss,
never keep it in,
out with it all.
If you'll ask me any questions,
I'll answer 'em,
but I can't tell you
anything of myself,
I shall blush if I do.
Well then, in the first place,
pray tell me,
Miss Biddy Bellair,
if you don't like
somebody better
than old Sir Simon Loveit?
Heigho!
What's Heigho,
Miss?
Oh, when I say
Heigho it means yes.
Oh,
very well.
And this somebody is a young,
handsome fellow?
Heigho!
[Giggles]
And if you were once his,
you'd be as merry
as the best of us?
- Heigho!
Now help me out Tag,
as fast as you can.
When did you hear
from your gallant?
Oh, never since he
went to the army.
How so?
I was afraid the letters
would fall into my aunt's hands,
so I would not let
him write to me;
besides I had a
better reason then.
Let's hear that too.
Why, I thought if I should
write to him and promise him
to love nobody else,
and should afterwards
change my mind, well he might
think I was inconstant,
and call me a coquette.
What a simple
innocent it is.
And have you changed
your mind, Miss?
No indeed,
Tag,
I love him the best
of any of 'em.
Of any of 'em!
[Laughs]
Why,
have you any more?
Pray don't ask me.
Nay, Miss, if you only
trust me by halves,
you can't expect...
Oh, I'll trust you
with everything.
When we parted,
I grew melancholy;
and so in order to divert me,
I have let two others court me
until he returns again.
Is that all,
my dear?
Mighty simple indeed.
One of them is a
fine blustering man.
His name is...
Captain Flash
the undefeated.
I'm as well known at
Covent Garden as the dial.
I'll break a lamp;
I'll bully a constable;
bam a justice or
bilk a box keeper
with any man in the
liberties of Westminster.
Sa sa!
[Laughs]
[Cries]
- [Laughs]
He is always talking
of fighting and wars.
We shall see him this
afternoon, for he pressed
strongly to come,
so I gave him leave,
while my aunt's taking her
afternoon's nap.
And who is the other,
pray?
Quite another sort of man,
he speaks like a lady
for all the world, and never
swears as Mr. Flash does,
but wears nice white
gloves and tells me
what ribbons become
my complexion...
Pink becomes you
very well my dear.
A patch should
always be worn thus.
Billy Dimple,
a friend of mine,
is a great maker of patches.
Oh, he recently informed
me of a new French
dress-maker opening just
across Bossum street.
You must get your
new gown made there.
It is just next to the
finest tea shop in London.
Oh my dear, let me
look at your hands.
Oh ha ha!
What a fright!
I must make you some of my
homemade lavender oil
for your nails.
And perhaps some rose
water for the face?
Whenever I speak...
...he pats me so, and
cries 'the devil take me,
miss Biddy, but you'll
be my perdition.'
[Laughs]
Oh, what a
pretty creature!
What do you call him pray?
His name is Fribble.
We shall see him too,
for by mistake I've appointed
'em at the same time;
but you must help me
out with them.
Suppose your favourite
should come too?
Well I shouldn't care what
became of the others.
What's his name?
It begins with an R...
H...O...
I'll be hanged if
it's not Rhodolphil.
[Gasps]
I am frightened at you!
You are a witch,
Tag!
I am so,
and
I can tell you your fortune too.
Look into my face.
The gentleman you love
most in the world
will be at our
house this afternoon;
he arrived from the
army this morning and
dies till he sees you.
Is he come?
Don't joke with me, Tag?
Not to keep you longer in
suspense, you must know
the servant of your
Strephon,
by some unaccountable
fate or other,
is my lord and master.
He has just been with me,
and told me of
his master's arrival
and impatience...
[Laughs]
Oh my dear,
dear Tag,
you have put me out of my wits,
I am all over a flutter,
I shall leap out of my skin.
Is he really come Tag?
I think I'm
going to faint.
I'd give the world I had
put my pink and silver
robings on today.
I assure you, Miss,
you look charmingly!
Do I indeed though?
I must go in and look myself in
the glass this minute.
[Laughs]
Yes, she has it,
and deeply too;
this is no hypocrisy.
Not art, but nature now
performs her part,
and every word's the
language of the heart.
To find you still constant
and to arrive at such
a critical juncture, is the
height of fortune and happiness.
Nothing shall force me
from you;
and if I am secure
of your affections...
I'll stand him,
Madam,
and give you every
assurance you can ask.
Everything goes on
to our wish, sir.
I just now had a second
conference with my old lady,
and she was so
convinced by my arguments,
that she returned
instantly to the lawyers
to forbid the drawing out
of any writings at all,
and she is determined
never to thwart
Miss Biddy's inclinations, and
has left it to us to
give the old gentleman his
discharge at the next visit.
Shall I undertake
the old dragon?
[Laughs]
If we have occasion for help,
we shall call for you.
I expect him every moment.
Therefore I tell you what,
Rhodophil,
you and your man shall be
locked in my bedchamber
until we have settled matters
with the old gentleman.
Do what you
please with me.
[Laughs]
You mustn't be
impatient though.
I can undergo anything
with such a reward in view,
one kiss and
I'll be quite resigned.
And now show me the way.
Come,
Sirrah,
when I have you under
lock and key,
I shall bring you to reason.
Is your wedding
dress ready, my dove?
The certificate's come.
Go follow your Captain,
Sirrah, march,
you may thank Heaven I had
patience to stay so long.
[Laughs]
[Sighs]
I find I love
Rhodophil vastly,
for though my other sparks
flatter me more,
I find can't abide the
thought of them now.
Hmm.
What shall I do with
my two gallants?
I must, at least,
part with them decently.
Hm...
Oh...
Oh, no.
Suppose I were to
set them together by the ears?
Ha ha! The luckiest
thought in the world!
For if they won't fight,
as I believe they won't,
I can part with them for
being cowards,
and very justly dismiss
them my service.
And if they will fight,
and one should be killed,
well the other will
surely be hanged,
or run away, and so
I shall very handsomely
get rid of both.
[Sighs] I am glad I have
settled it so purely.
Ooh.
Tag.
Are they safe?
I think so, the door's
double locked and
I have the key in my pocket.
- That's pure.
But have you given them
anything to divert them?
I have given the Captain
one of you old gloves to mumble,
but my Strephon is
diverting himself with the
more substantial comforts
of a cold venison pasty.
What shall we do with
the next that comes?
If Mr. Fribble comes first,
I'll clap him
into your aunt's storeroom.
Well I presume he is a great
maker of marmalade himself.
[Laughs]
Beggin' your
pardon, Miss.
Mr. Fribble is below.
Send him up.
Aye,
Miss.
Go you...
Go you and watch
for the other.
As soon as you see him,
run into us,
and pretend it is my aunt.
Then we shall have a just
reason to lock Fribble up
until we want him.
- You may depend upon me.
Ah...!
Mr. Fribble,
your servant.
Miss Biddy,
your slave.
I should not have come
upon you abruptly; but an
accident happened
that so discomposed me,
that I had to go home again
to take drops.
Indeed,
you don't look well.
I have set my maid to
watch my aunt,
so we may'nt be
surprised by her.
Your prudence is equal to
your beauty, Miss,
and I hope your permitting me to
kiss your hands will be
no impeachment of your
understanding.
Oh!
Oh, I hate the
sight of him!
I was afraid I should not
have had the
pleasure of seeing you,
pray let me know what
accident you met with,
and what's the
matter with your hand?
I shan't be easy
till I know.
Well, I vow,
Miss Biddy,
you're a good creature.
I'll muster up what
spirits I have,
and endeavor to tell you
the whole affair.
Thus it was.
You must know,
Miss,
there is not an animal
in the creation
I have so great
an aversion to,
as a Hackney coach fellow.
As I was coming out
of my lodgings...
...says one of
'em to me...
[Gruff manly voice] Would your
honour have a coach?
"No, man," said I
"not now",
with all the civility
imaginable.
I'll carry you...
[Gruff, manly voice]
and your doll too,
Miss Margery,
for the same price.
[Laughs]
Upon which the masculine beasts
about us fell a-laughing;
I turned round
in a great...
passion!
"Curse me",
says I,
"fellow,
but I'll trounce thee".
And as I was
holding out my hand
in a threatening posture,
thus...
[Giggles]
...he takes a cut at me
with his whip...
Ha! [Laughing]
- [Whip snaps]
And striking me over the nail
of my little finger,
he gave me such
exquisite torture
that I fainted away.
And while I was in this
condition, the mob
picked my pocket of my purse,
my scissors,
my mocoa smelling bottle
and my huswife.
[Laughs]
I shall laugh in his face.
I am afraid you are in
great pain;
pray sit down, Mr Fribble.
I do hope your hand
is in no danger.
Not in the least
Ma'am;
pray don't be apprehensive.
A milk-poultice,
a gentle sweat tonight,
with a little manna
in the morning,
I am convinced, I shall
be fully restored.
But pray, Mr Fribble,
do you make use of a huswife?
I can't do without it,
Ma'am;
there is a club of us,
all young bachelors,
the sweetest society
in the world;
and we meet at each others
lodgings three times a week
where we drink tea,
hear the chat of the day,
invent fashions for the ladies,
make patterns and
cut 'em out in paper.
We were the first
inventors of knotting.
[nervous laugh]
And this fringing, is the
original produce and
joint labour of our
little community.
And who are in your
pretty set pray?
There's Phil Whiffle,
Jacky Wagtail,
my Lord Trip,
ha ha!
Billy Dimple,
Sir Dilberry Diddle,
and your humble...
What a sweet collection
of happy creatures!
Indeed Miss,
and so we are.
But a prodigious fracas
disconcerted us somewhat
on our visiting-day
at Billy Dimples.
Three drunken naughty
women of the town
burst into our club room...
[Laughing]
...broke six looking glasses,
scalded us with the slop
basin and scratched
poor Phil Whiffle's
cheek in such a manner...
that he has kept his bed
these three weeks.
Indeed,
Mr Fribble,
I think all our sex have
great reason to be angry;
for if you are so happy
now you are bachelors,
the ladies may wish and sigh
to very little purpose.
Ooh, you are greatly
mistaken, indeed;
for I am prodigiously
rallied about my
passion for you,
I can tell you that,
and am thought of
as practically lost
to our society
already, ha!
Pray, Mr Fribble,
now you have gone so far,
don't think me impudent
if I long to know
how you intend to use the lady
who shall be honoured
with your affections?
Not as most other
wives are used,
I assure you.
For all the domestic
business shall be taken
off her hands;
I shall make the tea,
comb the dogs,
dress the children myself,
if I should be
blessed with any.
[nervous laugh]
For that though I'm a commoner,
Mrs Fribble will lead the life
of a woman of quality;
for she will have
nothing to do, but
lie in bed,
play at cards...
scold the servants.
What a happy
creature she must be!
Do you...
really think so?
Then pray,
let me have a little
serious talk with you.
Though my passion
is not of long st...
[Laughing]
Go,
you wild thing!
The devil take me but
there is no talking to you.
Why, what would you do
with me, Mr Fribble?
Well, I vow, I'll beat
you if you talk so.
Don't look at me
in that manner.
I could,
but I won't grow indecent.
Hm...
But pray, Sir,
where are the verses you
were to write upon me?
I find if a young lady is
to depend too much upon
such fine gentlemen
as yourself,
she'll certainly be
disappointed.
I vow, the flutter I was
put into this morning
has quite turned my senses.
But here they are and I
believe you'll like 'em.
There can be
no doubt of it.
Oh my dear creature,
who dressed your
head this morning?
They have made
a fright of you.
When we are settled, I
shall dress your head myself.
Pray, read the verses
to me Mr. Fribble.
Ooh,
I obey!
[Nervous laugh,
clears his throat]
Oh!
William Fribble Esq.
to Miss Biddy Bellair,
greeting.
[nervous laugh]
[sighs]
No...
ice so cold,
so hard as I,
Till warmed and
softened by your eye;
and now my heart
dissolves away,
in dreams by night
and sighs by day;
oh,
no brutal...passion
fires my breast,
which loathes
the object when possessed;
but one gentle,
harmless kind,
who's joys are centered,
in the mind.
[nervous laugh]
So take with me,
loves better part,
his downy wing,
but not his dart.
How do you like 'em?
[Laughing] Very pretty
I must confess,
but I don't quite
understand 'em.
These light pieces
are never so
well understood in reading
as in singing;
I have set 'em myself,
and shall endeavor
to give 'em to you.
[nervous laugh]
Ah...
ah-ha-ha!
[Clears his throat]
La la!
I have an abominable cold
and can't sing a note.
However the tunes nothing,
the manner's all!
Your aunt!
- Ah!
Your aunt,
your aunt, Madam!
Wh..wh..What's the matter?
Hide, Mr. Fribble, Tag,
or we're all ruined.
For heaven's sake,
put me anywhere so
I don't dirty my clothes.
Put him in the
storeroom, Tag.
Is it a damp place,
Mrs. Tag?
The floor is boarded,
I hope.
Indeed it is not,
Sir.
Well I shall certainly
catch my death!
In!
Well I need my cambric
handkerchief and
my smelling salts!
- In!
I shall certainly
have my hysterics!
In!
[crashing]
Was my aunt coming?
No, 'twas Mr. Flash,
I suppose,
by the length of his stride.
[Laughs]
He'll be here this minute,
what shall we do with him?
I'll manage him,
I'll warrant you,
and try his courage;
be sure you are
ready to second me,
we'll have pure sport.
[Laughs]
Bum-bum-bum-bum...
- Hush! Here he comes.
[humming]
Well my blossom,
here am I!
What hopes for
a poor dog, eh!
How!
The maid here!
Then I've lost
the town, dammee!
Not a shilling to bribe
the governor;
she'll spring a mine, and I
shall be blown to the devil.
Don't be ashamed, Mr. Flash;
I have told Tag
the whole affair, she is
my friend, I can assure you.
Is she? Then she won't be
mine I am certain.
Well Mrs. Tag,
you know, I suppose,
what's to be done:
This young lady and I have
contracted ourselves, and so,
if you to please to
stand bride-maid,
why we'll fix
the wedding day directly.
The wedding day, Sir?
- The wedding day, Sir?
Ay, Sir, the wedding day,
Sir, what have you to say
to that,
Sir?
My dear Captain Flash,
don't make such a noise,
you'll wake my aunt.
And suppose I did, child,
what then?
She'd be frightened
out of her wits.
At me, Miss,
frightened at me?
Tout au contraire, I assure you,
you mistake the thing, child;
I have some reason
to believe I am not
quite so shocking.
[Laughs]
Indeed, Sir,
you flatter yourself.
But pray,
Sir,
what are your pretensions?
The lady's promises,
my own passion,
and the best mounted blade
in the three kingdoms.
If any man can produce a
better title,
let him have her;
if not,
the devil mince me,
if I give up an atom of her.
He's in a fine passion,
if he would but hold it.
Pray, Sir,
here reason a little.
I never do, Madam, it is not
my method of proceeding;
here's my logic!
Sa, sa!
Oh!
[Laughs]
My best argument is
cart over arm, ha ha!
And if he answers that,
Madam,
through my small guts
, my breath,
blood, and mistress
are all at his service,
nothing more Madam.
[Laughs]
This'll do!
But Sir?
I profess blood, Madam, I
was bred up to it from a child;
I study the book of fate,
and the camp is my university.
I have attended the
lectures of Prince Charles
on the Rhine,
and Bathiani upon the Po;
Extracted knowledge from the
mouth of a cannon.
I'm not to be frightened
with squibs, Madam.
No no.
My dear Captain Flash let
me prevail with you to
go away this time, your
passion is very fine to be sure,
and when my Tag and
my aunt are out of the way,
I'll let you know
when you can come again.
Come again, Madam? And suppose
I never would come again,
what do you think of that now,
huh?
You pretend to be afraid
of your aunt;
your aunt knows what's
what too well to refuse
a good match when it's offered.
Lookee, Miss,
I'm a man of honour,
glory's my aim,
I have told you the road
I am in, and do you see here,
child, no tricks
upon travelers.
[Laughs]
Mr. Flash don't
be so furious.
Come, come, come,
few words are best,
somebody's happier than
somebody, and I'm a poor
silly fellow;
ha, ha, that's all.
Ah, look you,
child,
to be short
for I'm a man of reflection,
I have but a
bagatelle to say to you.
I am in love with you up
to hell and desperation,
may the sky crush
me if I am not.
But since there is another
more fortunate than I,
adieu,
Biddy!
Prosperity to the happy rival,
patience to poor Flash.
But the first time we meet gun
powder be my perdition,
but I'll have the honour to
cut a throat with him.
You may meet him now,
if you please.
Now,
may I!
Where is he?
I'll sacrifice
the villain.
Hush!
He's but in the next room.
Is he?
Ram me into a mortar piece,
but I'll have vengeance;
my blood
boils to be at him.
Don't be frightened,
Miss.
I was never better pleased,
I assure you.
I'll fetch the
gentleman immediately.
Stay, a little;
what a passion I am in!
Are you sure he's
in the next room?
I shall certainly
tear him to pieces.
I would fain murder him
like a gentleman too.
Besides, this family
shan't be brought into
trouble on my account.
I have it!
I'll look for him in the
street, and mix his blood
with the puddle of
the next kennel.
No Mr. Flash,
let me see the battle,
I shall be glad to see you
fight for me.
Pray, let me see you fight;
there were two gentlemen
fit yesterday,
and my Mistress
was never so diverted
in her life.
I'll go fetch him out.
Do, stick him,
stick him, Captain Flash.
I shall love you
the better for it.
Damn your love, I wish I
were out of the house.
Oh,
here he comes.
Now say some of
your hard words,
and run him through.
[chatter]
Take it on my word,
he is a bully,
and nothing else.
I know you are my good
friend, but perhaps
you don't know his
disposition.
I am confident
he is a coward.
Is he?
Then I'm his man.
I like his looks, but I'll
not venture too far at first.
Speak to him, Sir.
- I will.
Sir, I understand,
by way of Mrs. Tag here,
Sir,
whom you sent, Sir,
to inform me, Sir,
that you would be glad to
speak with me.
Damnation.
Sir, I can speak to
you or to anybody, Sir.
Or I can let it alone and
hold my tongue,
if I see occasion,
Sir, dammee.
Well said,
Mr Flash.
[Whispering to him]
Now be in a passion.
Don't mind his looks,
he changes colour already.
To him,
to him.
Don't hurry me,
Mrs. Tag!
I shall be out of my breath
before I begin if you do.
Sir,
if you cannot speak to a
gentleman in another manner
why then I'll
venture to say,
you had better hold
your tongue, oons.
Sir, you and I are of
different opinions.
You and your opinion may
go to the devil, take that.
[Laughs]
Well said, Sir,
the day's your own.
What's the
matter Mr Flash?
Is all your fury gone?
Do you give me up?
- Give you up, Madam!
No,
Madam.
When I am determined in my
resolutions I am always calm;
'tis our way,
Madam.
And now I shall
proceed to business.
Sir!
- Oh!
Villain, renounce all
right and title this minute,
or the very torrent of my rage
shall overflow my reason,
and I shall annihilate the very
nothingness of your soul
in an instant!
I wish there was a constable
at hand to take us both up;
we shall certainly to
each other a prejudice.
No, you won't indeed,
Sir.
Pray, bear up to him;
if you would but draw your
sword and be in a passion,
he would run away directly.
Will he?
Then I can no longer
contain myself.
Ah!
Hell and furies!
Come on,
thou savage brute.
Come on.
- Go on.
Come on, rascal.
- Go on, Sir.
[Laughs]
What's the matter,
my dear?
If you won't fight,
here's one that will.
Rhodolphil, these two
sparks are your rivals,
and have been pestering
me these past two months
with their addresses.
They have forced
themselves into the house
and have been
quarreling over me,
and disturbing the family;
if they won't
fight, pray
will you kick 'em
out of the house.
What's the matter
gentlemen?
Pray, don't part us,
Sir.
Ah, pray Sir don't part us,
we shall do you a mischief!
Puff, look to the gentleman
and call a surgeon.
Bless me!
How can he stand
under his wounds, Sir?
Am I hurt, Sir? I...
- Hurt, Sir!
Why pray let me look
at you in the light.
[Gasps] You have three
through the heart.
[Laughs]
And several through
the small guts!
Come make it up a round
dozen and then we'll part you.
Come here, Puff.
[whispers]
'Tis the very same,
Sir.
Pray, Sir, have not I had
the pleasure of
seeing your face abroad?
- I have served abroad.
Had not you the
misfortune, Sir,
to be missing at the last
engagement at Flanders?
I was found among the dead
upon the field of battle.
Oh, he, he was amongst
the first that fell.
The wind of the cannon ball hit
him flat upon the face;
he had just enough
strength to creep
into a ditch where he
was found in the most
deplorable condition.
Pray, Sir,
what advancement
did you get by the
service of that day?
My wounds rendered me
unfit for service and
I sold out.
Stole out,
you mean.
We hunted him, by scent,
to the waterside,
thence he took shipping for
England, and,
taking advantage of
my master's absence,
has attacked his citadel,
which thankfully
we are come to
in time to relieve,
and drive His Honour
into the ditch again.
And now,
Sir,
how have you dared to show your
face again in open day,
or wear even the outside
of a profession you have
so much scandalized
by your behaviour?
I honour the
name of soldier,
and as a party concerned am
bound not to see it disgraced;
as you have forfeited
your title to honour,
deliver up your
sword this instant.
Nay, good Captain...
- No words, Sir.
He's a sad scoundrel.
I wish I had kicked him.
The next thing I command,
leave this house,
change the colour
of your clothes
and the fierceness
of your looks...
[Laughs]
Appear from top to
toe the wretch,
the very wretch thou art.
Or if you put on looks
that belie the native
baseness of thy heart,
be it where it will,
this shall be the reward
of thy impudence
and disobedience.
[Laughs]
Oh,
my dear Rhodophil!
Ah...
What an infamous
rascal it is!
I thank you, Sir,
for this favour,
but I, I must
after and cane him.
Ah...
Er, one word with
you too, Sir.
With me,
Sir?
You need not tremble,
I shan't use you roughly.
I am certain of that,
Sir,
but I am sadly troubled
with weak nerves.
[nervous squeal]
Thou art too despicable
for correction;
therefore be gone, and if
I see you here again
your insignificancy
shan't protect you.
I am much obliged to
you for your kindness.
[nervous laugh]
Ah...
But if ever I have anything to
do with intrigues again!
[Laughing]
Er, shall I, er, relieve
you of your trophy, Sir?
Take it, Puff, as some
small recompense for
thy fidelity, thou can'st
better use it than its owner.
Pray, Mr. Fox, how did
you get out of your hole?
I thought you
was locked in.
I shot the bolt back when
I heard a noise,
and thinking you were
in danger,
broke my confinement without
any other consideration
than your safety.
Biddy!
Oh Biddy!
The old man;
run in, run in.
Sir Simon,
Ma'am.
Biddy!
Where have you been,
Biddy?
Jasper and I have been
knocking as loud and
as long as we were able.
What were you doing,
child?
Reading part of
a play to Tag.
Ah,
what play, moppet?
The Old Bachelor,
we'd just got to the part of
Old Nykyn when we
heard you calling.
Fie, fie,
child.
I've never heard you talk
at this rate before,
I'm afraid you, Tag, have put
these things into her head.
I, Sir?
I vow, Sir Simon,
she knows more
than you can conceive.
She surprises me,
I assure you, though I have
been married these
two years and
lived with bachelors
most part of my life.
Do you hear,
Jasper?
I'm all over in a sweat.
Pray, Miss,
had not you had
company here this afternoon?
I saw a young fop go out
of the house as
I was coming hither.
You might have seen two,
Sir Simon,
if your eyes had been good.
Do you hear,
Jasper?
Sure, the child
is possessed!
And what did they
want here, I pray?
Me, sir.
They wanted me.
And what did they
want with you, I say?
Why, what do you
want with me, sir?
Do you hear,
Jasper? I...
Tell me the reason,
why, I say?
I'll tell you the reason why,
if you please, Sir Simon.
Miss, you know, is a very
silly young girl,
[laughs]
and having found out,
Heaven knows how,
that there is some
little difference between
65 and 25, well she's
ridiculous enough
to go with the latter.
When, if she'd
taken my advice...
You're right, Tag,
she would take me? Eh?
Yes, Sir, as the only way
to have both; for
if she marries you, the other
will follow of course.
Do you hear,
Jasper?
'Tis very true, Sir, Simon;
from my knowing no better,
I have set my
heart upon a young man,
and a young one I'll have.
There have been three
here this afternoon.
Three,
Jasper!
And they have been
quarreling over me,
and one has beat
the other two.
Now,
Sir Simon,
if you take up the conqueror,
and kick him, as he has
kicked the other two,
you shall have me
as your reward,
and my fifteen thousand pounds
into the bargain.
What says my hero now?
Hey?
The world's at
an end, Jasper!
What's to be done?
Pack up and be gone.
Don't fight
the match, Sir.
No, blood and sweat
cannot bear it.
I'm all over agitation.
Where's your aunt,
you young cockatrice?
I'll let her know,
she is a base woman,
and you are...
And you are in a fine
humour to show your valour.
Tag, go and fetch the
Captain this minute,
while Sir Simon's warm,
and let him know he is waiting
here to cut his throat.
[Laughs]
I locked him in my bed chamber
until you arrived.
Ooh!
Here's an imp of darkness!
What would I give that my
son Bob was here to thrash
her spark, while I ravished
the rest of the family.
I believe we had
best retire, Sir.
No, no, no, no, I must stay
and see her bully first;
and, do you hear, Jasper,
if I put him in a passion,
do you knock him down.
Pray keep your temper, Sir.
- No!
Now... What is the meaning,
Sir?
Alas...
'Tis my father.
I am enchanted!
What's all this?
Your humble servant,
Captain Fire-Ball.
You're welcome back from the
wars, noble Captain.
I did not think I would
have the pleasure of being
knocked o'th'head,
or cut up alive
by so fine a gentleman.
Well, I am under such
confusion, Sir,
I have not power to convince
you of my innocence.
Innocence!
Pretty lamb!
So, you have left
the regiment and the
honourable employment of
fighting for your country,
to come home and cut
your father's throat.
His father, Tag!
Come, 'tis soon done, one
stroke does it or,
if you have any qualms,
let your squire there
perform the operation.
Pray, Sir, don't throw
such temptations in my way.
Hold your impudent tongue!
Why don't you
speak Mr. Modesty?
What is your excuse for
leaving the army I say?
My affection to
this lady, sir.
Your affection,
puppy!
Our love has been
long and mutual.
What accidents happened
since my going abroad,
and her leaving the country,
and how I have most
unaccountably met you here,
I am a stranger to.
But whatever appearances
may be, I still am,
and ever was,
your dutiful son.
He speaks like
an angel, Tag!
Dutiful,
Sirrah!
Have you not
rivaled your Father?
No, Sir,
you have rivaled me.
My claim must be
prior to yours.
Indeed, Sir Simon, he does
hold the best title to me.
Sir, Sir, the young
gentleman speaks well, and
as the fortune will not go
out of the family,
I would advise you to
drop your resentment,
be reconciled with your son,
and relinquish the lady.
Ay.
I do so with all my heart.
Lookee, son,
I give you up the girl,
she's too much for me,
I confess.
And take my word,
Bob,
you'll catch a Tartar.
I assure you, Sir Simon,
I'm not the person
you take me for.
If I have treated you
anyways ill it was for
your son's sake,
who had my promises and
inclinations before you;
and though I believe
I should have made you a
most uncomfortable wife,
I shall be the best daughter
to you in the world.
[Laughs]
And if you stand
in need of a lady,
my aunt is disengaged.
Oh no, no, thank you,
child;
you have so turned my
stomach against marriage,
I have no appetite left.
But Bob,
I wish you joy!
Hold a little,
gentlemen and ladies.
Everyone here seems
satisfied but me.
What's the matter Puff?
Sir, as I would prove
worthy of such a master,
and the name of soldier,
I cannot put up with the
least bit of injury
to my honour.
Hey day!
What flourishes are these?
Here's the man.
Come forth caitiff.
He hath confessed to me
this day, that he had
taken freedoms
with my lawful wife,
and had dishonourable
intentions toward my bed;
and I demand satisfaction.
Why,
the fellow's brain's turned.
And cracked too,
Sir!
Come, come, I'll settle
your punctilios,
and take care of you
and Tag hereafter,
provided you drop all
animosities,
and shake hands this moment.
My revenge gives
way to my interest.
Sir, you are my master's
father, and I submit.
And Jasper,
I once again take
you in to my bosom.
I'm your friend
again Puff.
[whispers] But harkye,
I fear you not.
[Louder] And if you'll lay
aside your steel there,
I am at your service
to demand.
You are very good
at crowing indeed,
Mr. Jasper.
But let me tell you, the
fool that is rogue enough
to brag of
a woman's favours,
must be a dung-hill every way.
And as for you,
my dear husband,
show your manhood
in the proper place,
and you need not fear
these sheep-biters.
Come Bob, let us
celebrate your wedding.
And I shall drink a
half-pint bumper.
Come along everyone.
Good folks, I'm come at my
young Lady's bidding,
to say, you are all
welcome to her wedding.
Th'exchange she made,
what mortal can here blame?
Show me the maid that
would not do the same?
For sure the biggest
Monster ever seen,
is the doting Sixty
coupled to Sixteen!
Thus may each maid,
the toils almost entrapped in..
[Knocks]
- Answer the door!
...change old Sir Simon
for the brisk young Captain.
I love these men of arms,
they know their trade.
Let dastards sue,
these sons of fire invade!
They cannot bear around
the bait to nibble,
like pretty, powder'd,
patient Mr. Fribble.
To dangers bred,
and skilful in command,
they storm the strongest
fortress, sword in hand!
Nights without sleep,
- [crying]
and floods of tears when waking,
showed poor Miss Biddy
was in piteous taking.
She's now quite well;
for maids in that condition
find the young lover
is the best physician.
And without helps of art,
or boast of knowledge,
they cure more women,
faith,
than all the college!
[church bells]
[church bells]
Sir Simon, the tincture
for your gout,
as requested,
Sir Simon.
Quiet man!
Away, away!
I intend to retire to
Bath for the season, sir.
I keep a place in
the royal crescent.
Heyday Madam,
I too intend to spend
some time in Bath.
If by accident you
should find yourself
on Blowbladder street...
I will bear it in mind.
Alas,
of course!
What pleasure can bring a
woman of your fine tastes there?
Upon my word you
are a pretty parcel.
So would you accept a
kiss to keep you in mind?
Oh faith, I never met
such an impudent fellow.
My word Miss Felicity,
I cannot believe you would
deny me this triumph.
I am all too well aware of
the duplicitous manner in
which Bob won my young
friend's affections.
He is a rogue
of your stamp.
Am I forever to be an
object of your ridicule?
If fortune smiles.
[arguing]
Mr. Flash?
Captain Flash.
Insufferable fool.
He's a crusty fellow.
Perhaps we could find
somewhere we could, er,
quietly retire?
- For shame now!
[Cheering]
They're coming!
[Cheering]
- They're coming!
Oh,
huzzah!
Huzzah!
[Laughs]
I'm afraid the town will
be ill-natured enough
to think
I've been a little
coquettish in my behaviour;
but as I've been constant
to the Captain,
I hope I'll be
excused diverting myself
with pretenders.
Ah, huzzah! Huzzah!
[Applause]
[Laughter, applause]
[Cheering]
Ladies, to fops and
braggarts ne'er be kind.
No charms can warm 'em...
...and no virtues bind.
Each lover's merit...
...by his conduct prove.
Who fails in honour...
...shall be false in love.
[Cheering,
applause]
[Applause]
The huge tall hangman
stands to give his blow,
and only waits
your pleasures,
ay,
or no.
If you should,
pit,
box and gallery,
egad!
Joy turns his senses,
and the man runs mad.
But if your ears are shut,
your hearts are rock,
and if you pronounce
the sentence,
block to block,
down kneels the bard
and leaves you when he's dead.
The empty tribute
of an author's head.
Too long has farce,
neglecting nature's laws,
Debas'd the stage,
and wronged the comic cause.
To raise a laugh has been
her sole pretence,
Tho' dearly purchas'd at
the price of sense.
This child of folly gain'd
increase with time;
Fit for the place,
succeeded Pantomime.
Reviv'd her honours,
join'd her motley band,
And song, and low conceit
o'erran the land.
More gen'rous views inform
our author's breast.
[Giggles]
From real life his
characters are dressed.
He seeks to trace the
passions of mankind.
And while he
spares the person,
paints the mind.
In pleasing contrast
he attempts to show
the vap'ring Bully,
and the frib'ling Beau.
Cowards alike,
that full of martial airs,
and this as tender
as the silk he wears.
[Applause]
[faint battle sounds
in the distance]
The bard, who's hopes
on comedy depend...
[explosion sound]
...must strive instruction
with delight to blend.
While he who bounds his
less aspiring views to farce,
the combrush of
the comic muse,
with pleasantry alone
may fill the scene.
His business chiefly this,
to cure the spleen.
To raise the pensive mind
from grave to gay,
and help to laugh our
thoughtful hour away.
"Dearest darling Rhodophil,
my love for you remains
fixed and ardent.
These long six months past
since your being called away,
have weighed
heavy in my heart.
My ears tingle,
my face flushes,
my heart beats
and I tremble every
jot of me...
...until your return."
Puff, what news
from the Commander?
Oh,
it should just be one more,
final push to break
the line, Sir.
[Sighs]
Pray, Sir,
may I be so bold...
[horns in the distance]
Pick up your flats and
sharps, Puff,
we must have at them.
[battle sounds]
Proud to divert,
not anxious for renown,
oft has our Bard essay'd
to please the town...
Your full applause
out-paid his little art,
he boasts no merit,
but a grateful heart.
Pronounce your doom,
he'll patiently submit,
ye sovereign judges of
all works of wit!
To you the ore is brought,
a lifeless mass,
you give the stamp,
and then the coin may pass.
Boo!
Boo!
[Grunts]
[Applause]
This is the place
we were directed to;
and now, Puff, if I can get no
intelligence of her,
what will become of me?
And me too,
Sir.
Why did you leave the
Army so abruptly
and not give me
time to fill my knapsack
with the common
necessaries?
I was wild to get away,
and as soon as I obtained
my leave of absence I
thought every moment
an age till I returned
to the place where
I first saw this young,
charming,
innocent,
bewitching creature...
With fifteen thousand
pounds to her fortune -
strong motives
I must confess.
But pray, Sir,
did you take fire before
you knew of her fortune?
Before,
upon my honour.
Folly and constitution -
but on, Sir.
Now we are gotten to the
place of action,
propose your plan of operation.
My father lives but in the
next street, so I must
decamp immediately for
fear of discoveries;
but you are not known
to be my servant,
therefore make what inquiries
you can in the neighbourhood,
and I shall wait at the inn
for your intelligence.
I'll...er...
patrol hereabouts,
and examine all who pass;
ah but ah, Sir,
I've, I've,
forgotten her name,
erm, Miss Biddy...
Belair.
- Miss Biddy Belair.
A woman of wit,
beauty
and fifteen thousand
pounds of fortune.
Oh, but, Sir?
- What, Puff?
If it pleases you to
consider, I had a wife
in town whom I left somewhat
abruptly half a year ago.
You'll think it,
but decent, I believe...
Pr'ythee don't distract me;
a moment's delay
is of the utmost
consequence.
I must insist upon an
immediate compliance
with my commands.
The devil is in these
fiery young fellows!
Let me acquaint you with the
particulars of his passion.
When the Captain
left the University,
which is seven months since,
his father, who loves his
money better than his son,
would not settle
a farthing upon him.
Instead he purchased him
a pair of colours at
my masters own request.
But before he joined...
Thank you.
Before he joined his regiment,
which was going abroad,
he took a ramble
into the countryside with
a fellow-collegian to see
a relative of his
who lived in Berkshire.
He was introduced to the
family by the name of...
Rhodophil?
I assure you, Bob,
Miss Biddy Belair is a young
woman of sensible vivacity
and fanciful ideals.
Why Rhodophil?
You may not have noticed,
Bob, but since her arrival here
she has done
only two things;
shot timid glances
in your direction,
and had her nose
firmly planted in
Marriage a La Mode.
[Giggles]
Rhodophil it is!
Miss Felicity Fettiplace,
your servant.
William, I believe
you've met my friend,
Miss Biddy Belair.
- Enchanted.
May I introduce my good
friend, Rhodophil.
Oh!
[Laughs]
The Captain took
fire at once and
vowed eternal constancy.
Rhodophil?
What a coincidence,
William.
At the end of three weeks
he was obliged to attend
the call of honour
in Flanders.
[Gun fire]
As soon as he was given
leave of absence
the Captain left the army to
fulfil his promise
of returning to Miss Biddy
at the first opportunity.
We did so, but we found
the house shut up
and all the information
we could get was that
Miss and her aunt were
removed to town and
live somewhere near
this part of it.
Get here!
[gate squeaks open]
Who's that?
My old acquaintance,
Jasper?
What,
Puff!
Are you here?
- My dear friend!
Still easy and happy!
Toujours le meme!
What intrigues now?
What girls have you ruined
since you and I used
to beat up together?
Business has been very
brisk during the war.
Men are scarce,
you know;
not as I can say I
ever wanted amusement
in the worst of times.
But harkye,
Puff...
Oh, shhh,
not a word aloud!
I am incognito.
Why faith, I should not
have known you if you had
not spoke first; I should
say you are a little
dishabille too,
as well as incognito.
Are you from the wars?
Piping hot,
I can assure you, Jasper;
and smoke will tarnish.
Men that go into such
service as I have been in,
will find their clothes
a little worse for wear.
But how is it with you?
You still serve,
I see?
I suppose you live
in that house there?
Oh,
I don't absolutely live,
but I am most of my time there;
I have within
these two months entered into
the service of an old
gentleman, who hired a
reputable servant and
dressed him as you see,
because he has taken it
into his head to fall in love.
Oh, false appetite
and second childhood!
Pr'ythee, what's the
object of his passion?
No less a virgin with
fifteen thousand pounds.
The toothless old dotard!
And he mumbles and plays
with her till his mouth waters;
then he chuckles
till he cries,
and calls it his Bid,
and his Bidsy...
Bidsy!
What is that?
Ah,
her name is Biddy.
Miss... Biddy Bellair.
- Biddy Bellair.
The same.
To be sure,
I have no luck.
Oh,
I have heard of her.
But is it settled?
Is the marriage fixed?
Not absolutely;
the girl, I believe,
detests him;
but her aunt,
a good prudent lady,
has given her consent,
if he can gain her niece's.
How it will end
I can't tell,
but I am hot upon't myself.
The devil! Not marriage,
I hope.
Oh, that is not
yet determined.
Who is the lady?
A maid in the same family,
a woman of honour,
I assure you.
She has one husband already,
a scoundrel sort of fellow
who has run away from her
and listed as a soldier;
so she hopes
towards the end of
the campaign to have a
certificate he's
knocked o'th' head.
If not,
I suppose
we shall settle
matters another way.
Well,
speed the plough.
But hark ye, consummate
without the certificate.
Keep your neck out
of the collar, do.
I have wore it these two
years past, and
damnably galled
am I by it.
I shall take your advice,
but I must run away
to my master who will be
impatient for an answer
to his message.
[Calling] If you have an hour,
you'll catch me at
George's or the Tilt-Yard.
Au Revoir,
as we say abroad.
Thus we are as civil and
as false as our betters.
Jasper and I ever
hated each other,
yet we always
kiss and shake hands.
But now to my master,
with a head full of news,
and a heart full of joy.
Angels and Ministers
of Grace, defend me!
It can't be!
It is that fretful
porcupine.
My wife!
What shall I do?
I'll try to avoid her.
It must be him!
I'll swear to the rogue
at a miles distance;
he either has not seen me
or won't know me.
I sweat.
I tremble.
She comes upon me!
Pray,
good sir,
if I may be so bold...
I have nothing for you,
good woman,
pr'ythee leave me be.
If your honour pleases
to look this way...
Ha ha!
This kingdom is
overrun with beggars,
I suppose the last I gave to
has sent this one.
But, I, I have no more
loose silver about my person.
Pr'ythee,
away with you.
I can hold no longer.
[Gasps]
Oh you villain,
you!
Where have you been,
scoundrel?
Here watch,
watch!
Zounds, I shall have
my pockets picked.
Own me this minute, hang dog,
and confess everything,
or by the rage
of an injured woman,
I'll raise the neighbourhood,
throttle you,
and send you to Newgate.
...Amazement!
What,
my own dear Tag!
Oh, come to my arms,
and let me press thee
to my heart,
which pants for thee,
and only thee,
my one true and lawful wife.
Tell me,
rascal,
why you left me and where you
have been these six months?
We'll save my adventures
for our happy winter evenings.
And all I'll say for now
is that my heart
beat so strong in my
country's ca...
You left me to starve,
villain, and beg my bread.
I left too little too
hastily, I must confess,
and often has my
conscience stung me for it.
But I am gotten into an
officer's service,
have been in some actions,
gained some credit
by my behaviour,
and am now
returned with my master
to indulge in the
gentler passions.
Don't think to fob me off
with this nonsensical talk;
what have you
brought me home beside?
Hmm.
Honour...
and...
immoderate love.
Oh, I could tear
your eyes out.
Temperance,
or I walk off.
Temperance,
traitor,
temperance?
What can you say
for yourself?
Leave me to the
wide world...
Why, I have been in
the wide world too.
What would the woman have?
Reduce me to the necessity
of going to service.
Why, I have been in
service to, huh?
Your lord and master.
Come,
where dost thou live,
hereabouts?
Give me a kiss and tell me
where I may pay my duty to thee.
There I live;
at that house.
What,
that house there?
Yes, there, that house.
- Ha ha! Huzzah!
We're made forever,
you slut, you!
Huzzah!
Prepare for an
inundation of joy!
My master is in love
with your Miss Biddy,
over head, over ears,
and she with him.
Now I know she is courted
by some old fumbler,
and the aunt is not against
the match, but my master
must marry the lady,
and the old gentleman
may go to the devil.
Heyday!
Say no more,
the dice are thrown.
Go to your mistress,
tell her Rhodophil will be
with her immediately;
now, if the blood does not
mount to her face like
quicksilver in the
weather-glass and
point to extreme hot...
believe the whole thing a lie,
and your husband no politician.
Hold Tag!
I had forgot.
How does Mr. Jasper do?
Mr. Jasper?
Oh! What,
out of countenance?
Oh fie!
Speak on.
And, er, the certificate,
when comes that?
Are you not a jade?
Are you not a Jezebel?
Aren't you a...
O ho,
temperance!
Or I walk off...
Tag, where are you,
Tag?
My old lady calls; away,
to your master,
and I'll prepare his
reception within.
Shall I bring
the certificate?
Go, you graceless rogue,
you richly deserve it.
Who was that man you
were talking to, Tag?
Oh, a, a, a cousin of
mine, Madam,
that has brought me some news
of my Aunt in the country.
Where's my niece?
Why are you not
you with her?
She, she bid me leave
her alone, Madam.
She's so melancholy, I don't
know what's come over her...
The thoughtfulness that is
natural upon the approach
of matrimony, generally
occasions a decent concern.
And do you think,
Madam,
a husband of
threescore and five...
Hold, Tag, he protests
to me he is but
five and fifty.
Well, he is a rogue,
Madam, and an old rogue,
and a fumbling
old rogue...
Alas! Youth or age,
'tis all one to her;
she is all simplicity
without experience.
I should prefer a large
jointure to a small one,
that's all. I would not
force her inclinations,
but she's so innocent she
won't know the difference.
Innocence!
Ne'er trust to that,
Madam.
Oh, 'tis impossible that
Biddy should have desires,
she's but newly come
out of the country.
I have observed...
she does not eat,
nor she does not sleep.
She sighs and she cries
and,
well she loves moonlight.
These, I take it,
are very strong symptoms.
Ha.
They are very unaccountable,
I must confess;
but you speak
from a depraved mind, Tag,
hers is simple
and untainted.
She'll make him a cuckold
though for all that,
if you force her
to marry him.
You shock me with your
coarse expressions.
I tell you, her chastity
will be her guard...
Chastity!
Never trust to that,
Madam.
Get her a husband that's
fit for her, and
I'll be bound for her virtue.
Well,
Tag,
the child shall never have
reason to repent of my severity;
I was going to my
lawyer's to speak about
the articles of marriage,
but I will put a stop to 'em
now for some time,
'til we can make further...
discoveries.
Heaven will bless you
for your goodness.
I'll set my pump at work,
and draw something
from her before your return,
I warrant you.
Oh, how unfortunate
a poor girl am I.
I dare not tell my secrets
to anybody,
and if I don't I'm undone.
Oh,
heigho!
Tag.
Pray, Tag, is my aunt gone
to her lawyer's about me?
Heigho!
Oh, what's that sigh for,
my dear young mistress?
I didn't sigh,
not I...
Nay, never gulp 'em down,
they are the worst things
you can swallow.
There's something in that
little heart of yours, and
will burst it at last,
if you don't give it vent.
What would you have
me tell you, Tag?
You are afraid
I'll betray you,
but I may do you some service
you little think of.
It is not in your power,
Tag, to give me what I want.
Not directly,
perhaps;
but I may be the means
of helping you to it;
as for example, if you should
not like to marry the old man
your aunt designs for you, one
might find a way to break...
His neck,
Tag?
Or the match;
either will do.
Oh,
indeed.
I shouldn't care which so
long as I was clear of him.
But I don't think I'm
fit to be married.
To him you mean.
You have no objection to
marriage, but the man,
and I applaud you for it.
But come,
courage, miss,
never keep it in,
out with it all.
If you'll ask me any questions,
I'll answer 'em,
but I can't tell you
anything of myself,
I shall blush if I do.
Well then, in the first place,
pray tell me,
Miss Biddy Bellair,
if you don't like
somebody better
than old Sir Simon Loveit?
Heigho!
What's Heigho,
Miss?
Oh, when I say
Heigho it means yes.
Oh,
very well.
And this somebody is a young,
handsome fellow?
Heigho!
[Giggles]
And if you were once his,
you'd be as merry
as the best of us?
- Heigho!
Now help me out Tag,
as fast as you can.
When did you hear
from your gallant?
Oh, never since he
went to the army.
How so?
I was afraid the letters
would fall into my aunt's hands,
so I would not let
him write to me;
besides I had a
better reason then.
Let's hear that too.
Why, I thought if I should
write to him and promise him
to love nobody else,
and should afterwards
change my mind, well he might
think I was inconstant,
and call me a coquette.
What a simple
innocent it is.
And have you changed
your mind, Miss?
No indeed,
Tag,
I love him the best
of any of 'em.
Of any of 'em!
[Laughs]
Why,
have you any more?
Pray don't ask me.
Nay, Miss, if you only
trust me by halves,
you can't expect...
Oh, I'll trust you
with everything.
When we parted,
I grew melancholy;
and so in order to divert me,
I have let two others court me
until he returns again.
Is that all,
my dear?
Mighty simple indeed.
One of them is a
fine blustering man.
His name is...
Captain Flash
the undefeated.
I'm as well known at
Covent Garden as the dial.
I'll break a lamp;
I'll bully a constable;
bam a justice or
bilk a box keeper
with any man in the
liberties of Westminster.
Sa sa!
[Laughs]
[Cries]
- [Laughs]
He is always talking
of fighting and wars.
We shall see him this
afternoon, for he pressed
strongly to come,
so I gave him leave,
while my aunt's taking her
afternoon's nap.
And who is the other,
pray?
Quite another sort of man,
he speaks like a lady
for all the world, and never
swears as Mr. Flash does,
but wears nice white
gloves and tells me
what ribbons become
my complexion...
Pink becomes you
very well my dear.
A patch should
always be worn thus.
Billy Dimple,
a friend of mine,
is a great maker of patches.
Oh, he recently informed
me of a new French
dress-maker opening just
across Bossum street.
You must get your
new gown made there.
It is just next to the
finest tea shop in London.
Oh my dear, let me
look at your hands.
Oh ha ha!
What a fright!
I must make you some of my
homemade lavender oil
for your nails.
And perhaps some rose
water for the face?
Whenever I speak...
...he pats me so, and
cries 'the devil take me,
miss Biddy, but you'll
be my perdition.'
[Laughs]
Oh, what a
pretty creature!
What do you call him pray?
His name is Fribble.
We shall see him too,
for by mistake I've appointed
'em at the same time;
but you must help me
out with them.
Suppose your favourite
should come too?
Well I shouldn't care what
became of the others.
What's his name?
It begins with an R...
H...O...
I'll be hanged if
it's not Rhodolphil.
[Gasps]
I am frightened at you!
You are a witch,
Tag!
I am so,
and
I can tell you your fortune too.
Look into my face.
The gentleman you love
most in the world
will be at our
house this afternoon;
he arrived from the
army this morning and
dies till he sees you.
Is he come?
Don't joke with me, Tag?
Not to keep you longer in
suspense, you must know
the servant of your
Strephon,
by some unaccountable
fate or other,
is my lord and master.
He has just been with me,
and told me of
his master's arrival
and impatience...
[Laughs]
Oh my dear,
dear Tag,
you have put me out of my wits,
I am all over a flutter,
I shall leap out of my skin.
Is he really come Tag?
I think I'm
going to faint.
I'd give the world I had
put my pink and silver
robings on today.
I assure you, Miss,
you look charmingly!
Do I indeed though?
I must go in and look myself in
the glass this minute.
[Laughs]
Yes, she has it,
and deeply too;
this is no hypocrisy.
Not art, but nature now
performs her part,
and every word's the
language of the heart.
To find you still constant
and to arrive at such
a critical juncture, is the
height of fortune and happiness.
Nothing shall force me
from you;
and if I am secure
of your affections...
I'll stand him,
Madam,
and give you every
assurance you can ask.
Everything goes on
to our wish, sir.
I just now had a second
conference with my old lady,
and she was so
convinced by my arguments,
that she returned
instantly to the lawyers
to forbid the drawing out
of any writings at all,
and she is determined
never to thwart
Miss Biddy's inclinations, and
has left it to us to
give the old gentleman his
discharge at the next visit.
Shall I undertake
the old dragon?
[Laughs]
If we have occasion for help,
we shall call for you.
I expect him every moment.
Therefore I tell you what,
Rhodophil,
you and your man shall be
locked in my bedchamber
until we have settled matters
with the old gentleman.
Do what you
please with me.
[Laughs]
You mustn't be
impatient though.
I can undergo anything
with such a reward in view,
one kiss and
I'll be quite resigned.
And now show me the way.
Come,
Sirrah,
when I have you under
lock and key,
I shall bring you to reason.
Is your wedding
dress ready, my dove?
The certificate's come.
Go follow your Captain,
Sirrah, march,
you may thank Heaven I had
patience to stay so long.
[Laughs]
[Sighs]
I find I love
Rhodophil vastly,
for though my other sparks
flatter me more,
I find can't abide the
thought of them now.
Hmm.
What shall I do with
my two gallants?
I must, at least,
part with them decently.
Hm...
Oh...
Oh, no.
Suppose I were to
set them together by the ears?
Ha ha! The luckiest
thought in the world!
For if they won't fight,
as I believe they won't,
I can part with them for
being cowards,
and very justly dismiss
them my service.
And if they will fight,
and one should be killed,
well the other will
surely be hanged,
or run away, and so
I shall very handsomely
get rid of both.
[Sighs] I am glad I have
settled it so purely.
Ooh.
Tag.
Are they safe?
I think so, the door's
double locked and
I have the key in my pocket.
- That's pure.
But have you given them
anything to divert them?
I have given the Captain
one of you old gloves to mumble,
but my Strephon is
diverting himself with the
more substantial comforts
of a cold venison pasty.
What shall we do with
the next that comes?
If Mr. Fribble comes first,
I'll clap him
into your aunt's storeroom.
Well I presume he is a great
maker of marmalade himself.
[Laughs]
Beggin' your
pardon, Miss.
Mr. Fribble is below.
Send him up.
Aye,
Miss.
Go you...
Go you and watch
for the other.
As soon as you see him,
run into us,
and pretend it is my aunt.
Then we shall have a just
reason to lock Fribble up
until we want him.
- You may depend upon me.
Ah...!
Mr. Fribble,
your servant.
Miss Biddy,
your slave.
I should not have come
upon you abruptly; but an
accident happened
that so discomposed me,
that I had to go home again
to take drops.
Indeed,
you don't look well.
I have set my maid to
watch my aunt,
so we may'nt be
surprised by her.
Your prudence is equal to
your beauty, Miss,
and I hope your permitting me to
kiss your hands will be
no impeachment of your
understanding.
Oh!
Oh, I hate the
sight of him!
I was afraid I should not
have had the
pleasure of seeing you,
pray let me know what
accident you met with,
and what's the
matter with your hand?
I shan't be easy
till I know.
Well, I vow,
Miss Biddy,
you're a good creature.
I'll muster up what
spirits I have,
and endeavor to tell you
the whole affair.
Thus it was.
You must know,
Miss,
there is not an animal
in the creation
I have so great
an aversion to,
as a Hackney coach fellow.
As I was coming out
of my lodgings...
...says one of
'em to me...
[Gruff manly voice] Would your
honour have a coach?
"No, man," said I
"not now",
with all the civility
imaginable.
I'll carry you...
[Gruff, manly voice]
and your doll too,
Miss Margery,
for the same price.
[Laughs]
Upon which the masculine beasts
about us fell a-laughing;
I turned round
in a great...
passion!
"Curse me",
says I,
"fellow,
but I'll trounce thee".
And as I was
holding out my hand
in a threatening posture,
thus...
[Giggles]
...he takes a cut at me
with his whip...
Ha! [Laughing]
- [Whip snaps]
And striking me over the nail
of my little finger,
he gave me such
exquisite torture
that I fainted away.
And while I was in this
condition, the mob
picked my pocket of my purse,
my scissors,
my mocoa smelling bottle
and my huswife.
[Laughs]
I shall laugh in his face.
I am afraid you are in
great pain;
pray sit down, Mr Fribble.
I do hope your hand
is in no danger.
Not in the least
Ma'am;
pray don't be apprehensive.
A milk-poultice,
a gentle sweat tonight,
with a little manna
in the morning,
I am convinced, I shall
be fully restored.
But pray, Mr Fribble,
do you make use of a huswife?
I can't do without it,
Ma'am;
there is a club of us,
all young bachelors,
the sweetest society
in the world;
and we meet at each others
lodgings three times a week
where we drink tea,
hear the chat of the day,
invent fashions for the ladies,
make patterns and
cut 'em out in paper.
We were the first
inventors of knotting.
[nervous laugh]
And this fringing, is the
original produce and
joint labour of our
little community.
And who are in your
pretty set pray?
There's Phil Whiffle,
Jacky Wagtail,
my Lord Trip,
ha ha!
Billy Dimple,
Sir Dilberry Diddle,
and your humble...
What a sweet collection
of happy creatures!
Indeed Miss,
and so we are.
But a prodigious fracas
disconcerted us somewhat
on our visiting-day
at Billy Dimples.
Three drunken naughty
women of the town
burst into our club room...
[Laughing]
...broke six looking glasses,
scalded us with the slop
basin and scratched
poor Phil Whiffle's
cheek in such a manner...
that he has kept his bed
these three weeks.
Indeed,
Mr Fribble,
I think all our sex have
great reason to be angry;
for if you are so happy
now you are bachelors,
the ladies may wish and sigh
to very little purpose.
Ooh, you are greatly
mistaken, indeed;
for I am prodigiously
rallied about my
passion for you,
I can tell you that,
and am thought of
as practically lost
to our society
already, ha!
Pray, Mr Fribble,
now you have gone so far,
don't think me impudent
if I long to know
how you intend to use the lady
who shall be honoured
with your affections?
Not as most other
wives are used,
I assure you.
For all the domestic
business shall be taken
off her hands;
I shall make the tea,
comb the dogs,
dress the children myself,
if I should be
blessed with any.
[nervous laugh]
For that though I'm a commoner,
Mrs Fribble will lead the life
of a woman of quality;
for she will have
nothing to do, but
lie in bed,
play at cards...
scold the servants.
What a happy
creature she must be!
Do you...
really think so?
Then pray,
let me have a little
serious talk with you.
Though my passion
is not of long st...
[Laughing]
Go,
you wild thing!
The devil take me but
there is no talking to you.
Why, what would you do
with me, Mr Fribble?
Well, I vow, I'll beat
you if you talk so.
Don't look at me
in that manner.
I could,
but I won't grow indecent.
Hm...
But pray, Sir,
where are the verses you
were to write upon me?
I find if a young lady is
to depend too much upon
such fine gentlemen
as yourself,
she'll certainly be
disappointed.
I vow, the flutter I was
put into this morning
has quite turned my senses.
But here they are and I
believe you'll like 'em.
There can be
no doubt of it.
Oh my dear creature,
who dressed your
head this morning?
They have made
a fright of you.
When we are settled, I
shall dress your head myself.
Pray, read the verses
to me Mr. Fribble.
Ooh,
I obey!
[Nervous laugh,
clears his throat]
Oh!
William Fribble Esq.
to Miss Biddy Bellair,
greeting.
[nervous laugh]
[sighs]
No...
ice so cold,
so hard as I,
Till warmed and
softened by your eye;
and now my heart
dissolves away,
in dreams by night
and sighs by day;
oh,
no brutal...passion
fires my breast,
which loathes
the object when possessed;
but one gentle,
harmless kind,
who's joys are centered,
in the mind.
[nervous laugh]
So take with me,
loves better part,
his downy wing,
but not his dart.
How do you like 'em?
[Laughing] Very pretty
I must confess,
but I don't quite
understand 'em.
These light pieces
are never so
well understood in reading
as in singing;
I have set 'em myself,
and shall endeavor
to give 'em to you.
[nervous laugh]
Ah...
ah-ha-ha!
[Clears his throat]
La la!
I have an abominable cold
and can't sing a note.
However the tunes nothing,
the manner's all!
Your aunt!
- Ah!
Your aunt,
your aunt, Madam!
Wh..wh..What's the matter?
Hide, Mr. Fribble, Tag,
or we're all ruined.
For heaven's sake,
put me anywhere so
I don't dirty my clothes.
Put him in the
storeroom, Tag.
Is it a damp place,
Mrs. Tag?
The floor is boarded,
I hope.
Indeed it is not,
Sir.
Well I shall certainly
catch my death!
In!
Well I need my cambric
handkerchief and
my smelling salts!
- In!
I shall certainly
have my hysterics!
In!
[crashing]
Was my aunt coming?
No, 'twas Mr. Flash,
I suppose,
by the length of his stride.
[Laughs]
He'll be here this minute,
what shall we do with him?
I'll manage him,
I'll warrant you,
and try his courage;
be sure you are
ready to second me,
we'll have pure sport.
[Laughs]
Bum-bum-bum-bum...
- Hush! Here he comes.
[humming]
Well my blossom,
here am I!
What hopes for
a poor dog, eh!
How!
The maid here!
Then I've lost
the town, dammee!
Not a shilling to bribe
the governor;
she'll spring a mine, and I
shall be blown to the devil.
Don't be ashamed, Mr. Flash;
I have told Tag
the whole affair, she is
my friend, I can assure you.
Is she? Then she won't be
mine I am certain.
Well Mrs. Tag,
you know, I suppose,
what's to be done:
This young lady and I have
contracted ourselves, and so,
if you to please to
stand bride-maid,
why we'll fix
the wedding day directly.
The wedding day, Sir?
- The wedding day, Sir?
Ay, Sir, the wedding day,
Sir, what have you to say
to that,
Sir?
My dear Captain Flash,
don't make such a noise,
you'll wake my aunt.
And suppose I did, child,
what then?
She'd be frightened
out of her wits.
At me, Miss,
frightened at me?
Tout au contraire, I assure you,
you mistake the thing, child;
I have some reason
to believe I am not
quite so shocking.
[Laughs]
Indeed, Sir,
you flatter yourself.
But pray,
Sir,
what are your pretensions?
The lady's promises,
my own passion,
and the best mounted blade
in the three kingdoms.
If any man can produce a
better title,
let him have her;
if not,
the devil mince me,
if I give up an atom of her.
He's in a fine passion,
if he would but hold it.
Pray, Sir,
here reason a little.
I never do, Madam, it is not
my method of proceeding;
here's my logic!
Sa, sa!
Oh!
[Laughs]
My best argument is
cart over arm, ha ha!
And if he answers that,
Madam,
through my small guts
, my breath,
blood, and mistress
are all at his service,
nothing more Madam.
[Laughs]
This'll do!
But Sir?
I profess blood, Madam, I
was bred up to it from a child;
I study the book of fate,
and the camp is my university.
I have attended the
lectures of Prince Charles
on the Rhine,
and Bathiani upon the Po;
Extracted knowledge from the
mouth of a cannon.
I'm not to be frightened
with squibs, Madam.
No no.
My dear Captain Flash let
me prevail with you to
go away this time, your
passion is very fine to be sure,
and when my Tag and
my aunt are out of the way,
I'll let you know
when you can come again.
Come again, Madam? And suppose
I never would come again,
what do you think of that now,
huh?
You pretend to be afraid
of your aunt;
your aunt knows what's
what too well to refuse
a good match when it's offered.
Lookee, Miss,
I'm a man of honour,
glory's my aim,
I have told you the road
I am in, and do you see here,
child, no tricks
upon travelers.
[Laughs]
Mr. Flash don't
be so furious.
Come, come, come,
few words are best,
somebody's happier than
somebody, and I'm a poor
silly fellow;
ha, ha, that's all.
Ah, look you,
child,
to be short
for I'm a man of reflection,
I have but a
bagatelle to say to you.
I am in love with you up
to hell and desperation,
may the sky crush
me if I am not.
But since there is another
more fortunate than I,
adieu,
Biddy!
Prosperity to the happy rival,
patience to poor Flash.
But the first time we meet gun
powder be my perdition,
but I'll have the honour to
cut a throat with him.
You may meet him now,
if you please.
Now,
may I!
Where is he?
I'll sacrifice
the villain.
Hush!
He's but in the next room.
Is he?
Ram me into a mortar piece,
but I'll have vengeance;
my blood
boils to be at him.
Don't be frightened,
Miss.
I was never better pleased,
I assure you.
I'll fetch the
gentleman immediately.
Stay, a little;
what a passion I am in!
Are you sure he's
in the next room?
I shall certainly
tear him to pieces.
I would fain murder him
like a gentleman too.
Besides, this family
shan't be brought into
trouble on my account.
I have it!
I'll look for him in the
street, and mix his blood
with the puddle of
the next kennel.
No Mr. Flash,
let me see the battle,
I shall be glad to see you
fight for me.
Pray, let me see you fight;
there were two gentlemen
fit yesterday,
and my Mistress
was never so diverted
in her life.
I'll go fetch him out.
Do, stick him,
stick him, Captain Flash.
I shall love you
the better for it.
Damn your love, I wish I
were out of the house.
Oh,
here he comes.
Now say some of
your hard words,
and run him through.
[chatter]
Take it on my word,
he is a bully,
and nothing else.
I know you are my good
friend, but perhaps
you don't know his
disposition.
I am confident
he is a coward.
Is he?
Then I'm his man.
I like his looks, but I'll
not venture too far at first.
Speak to him, Sir.
- I will.
Sir, I understand,
by way of Mrs. Tag here,
Sir,
whom you sent, Sir,
to inform me, Sir,
that you would be glad to
speak with me.
Damnation.
Sir, I can speak to
you or to anybody, Sir.
Or I can let it alone and
hold my tongue,
if I see occasion,
Sir, dammee.
Well said,
Mr Flash.
[Whispering to him]
Now be in a passion.
Don't mind his looks,
he changes colour already.
To him,
to him.
Don't hurry me,
Mrs. Tag!
I shall be out of my breath
before I begin if you do.
Sir,
if you cannot speak to a
gentleman in another manner
why then I'll
venture to say,
you had better hold
your tongue, oons.
Sir, you and I are of
different opinions.
You and your opinion may
go to the devil, take that.
[Laughs]
Well said, Sir,
the day's your own.
What's the
matter Mr Flash?
Is all your fury gone?
Do you give me up?
- Give you up, Madam!
No,
Madam.
When I am determined in my
resolutions I am always calm;
'tis our way,
Madam.
And now I shall
proceed to business.
Sir!
- Oh!
Villain, renounce all
right and title this minute,
or the very torrent of my rage
shall overflow my reason,
and I shall annihilate the very
nothingness of your soul
in an instant!
I wish there was a constable
at hand to take us both up;
we shall certainly to
each other a prejudice.
No, you won't indeed,
Sir.
Pray, bear up to him;
if you would but draw your
sword and be in a passion,
he would run away directly.
Will he?
Then I can no longer
contain myself.
Ah!
Hell and furies!
Come on,
thou savage brute.
Come on.
- Go on.
Come on, rascal.
- Go on, Sir.
[Laughs]
What's the matter,
my dear?
If you won't fight,
here's one that will.
Rhodolphil, these two
sparks are your rivals,
and have been pestering
me these past two months
with their addresses.
They have forced
themselves into the house
and have been
quarreling over me,
and disturbing the family;
if they won't
fight, pray
will you kick 'em
out of the house.
What's the matter
gentlemen?
Pray, don't part us,
Sir.
Ah, pray Sir don't part us,
we shall do you a mischief!
Puff, look to the gentleman
and call a surgeon.
Bless me!
How can he stand
under his wounds, Sir?
Am I hurt, Sir? I...
- Hurt, Sir!
Why pray let me look
at you in the light.
[Gasps] You have three
through the heart.
[Laughs]
And several through
the small guts!
Come make it up a round
dozen and then we'll part you.
Come here, Puff.
[whispers]
'Tis the very same,
Sir.
Pray, Sir, have not I had
the pleasure of
seeing your face abroad?
- I have served abroad.
Had not you the
misfortune, Sir,
to be missing at the last
engagement at Flanders?
I was found among the dead
upon the field of battle.
Oh, he, he was amongst
the first that fell.
The wind of the cannon ball hit
him flat upon the face;
he had just enough
strength to creep
into a ditch where he
was found in the most
deplorable condition.
Pray, Sir,
what advancement
did you get by the
service of that day?
My wounds rendered me
unfit for service and
I sold out.
Stole out,
you mean.
We hunted him, by scent,
to the waterside,
thence he took shipping for
England, and,
taking advantage of
my master's absence,
has attacked his citadel,
which thankfully
we are come to
in time to relieve,
and drive His Honour
into the ditch again.
And now,
Sir,
how have you dared to show your
face again in open day,
or wear even the outside
of a profession you have
so much scandalized
by your behaviour?
I honour the
name of soldier,
and as a party concerned am
bound not to see it disgraced;
as you have forfeited
your title to honour,
deliver up your
sword this instant.
Nay, good Captain...
- No words, Sir.
He's a sad scoundrel.
I wish I had kicked him.
The next thing I command,
leave this house,
change the colour
of your clothes
and the fierceness
of your looks...
[Laughs]
Appear from top to
toe the wretch,
the very wretch thou art.
Or if you put on looks
that belie the native
baseness of thy heart,
be it where it will,
this shall be the reward
of thy impudence
and disobedience.
[Laughs]
Oh,
my dear Rhodophil!
Ah...
What an infamous
rascal it is!
I thank you, Sir,
for this favour,
but I, I must
after and cane him.
Ah...
Er, one word with
you too, Sir.
With me,
Sir?
You need not tremble,
I shan't use you roughly.
I am certain of that,
Sir,
but I am sadly troubled
with weak nerves.
[nervous squeal]
Thou art too despicable
for correction;
therefore be gone, and if
I see you here again
your insignificancy
shan't protect you.
I am much obliged to
you for your kindness.
[nervous laugh]
Ah...
But if ever I have anything to
do with intrigues again!
[Laughing]
Er, shall I, er, relieve
you of your trophy, Sir?
Take it, Puff, as some
small recompense for
thy fidelity, thou can'st
better use it than its owner.
Pray, Mr. Fox, how did
you get out of your hole?
I thought you
was locked in.
I shot the bolt back when
I heard a noise,
and thinking you were
in danger,
broke my confinement without
any other consideration
than your safety.
Biddy!
Oh Biddy!
The old man;
run in, run in.
Sir Simon,
Ma'am.
Biddy!
Where have you been,
Biddy?
Jasper and I have been
knocking as loud and
as long as we were able.
What were you doing,
child?
Reading part of
a play to Tag.
Ah,
what play, moppet?
The Old Bachelor,
we'd just got to the part of
Old Nykyn when we
heard you calling.
Fie, fie,
child.
I've never heard you talk
at this rate before,
I'm afraid you, Tag, have put
these things into her head.
I, Sir?
I vow, Sir Simon,
she knows more
than you can conceive.
She surprises me,
I assure you, though I have
been married these
two years and
lived with bachelors
most part of my life.
Do you hear,
Jasper?
I'm all over in a sweat.
Pray, Miss,
had not you had
company here this afternoon?
I saw a young fop go out
of the house as
I was coming hither.
You might have seen two,
Sir Simon,
if your eyes had been good.
Do you hear,
Jasper?
Sure, the child
is possessed!
And what did they
want here, I pray?
Me, sir.
They wanted me.
And what did they
want with you, I say?
Why, what do you
want with me, sir?
Do you hear,
Jasper? I...
Tell me the reason,
why, I say?
I'll tell you the reason why,
if you please, Sir Simon.
Miss, you know, is a very
silly young girl,
[laughs]
and having found out,
Heaven knows how,
that there is some
little difference between
65 and 25, well she's
ridiculous enough
to go with the latter.
When, if she'd
taken my advice...
You're right, Tag,
she would take me? Eh?
Yes, Sir, as the only way
to have both; for
if she marries you, the other
will follow of course.
Do you hear,
Jasper?
'Tis very true, Sir, Simon;
from my knowing no better,
I have set my
heart upon a young man,
and a young one I'll have.
There have been three
here this afternoon.
Three,
Jasper!
And they have been
quarreling over me,
and one has beat
the other two.
Now,
Sir Simon,
if you take up the conqueror,
and kick him, as he has
kicked the other two,
you shall have me
as your reward,
and my fifteen thousand pounds
into the bargain.
What says my hero now?
Hey?
The world's at
an end, Jasper!
What's to be done?
Pack up and be gone.
Don't fight
the match, Sir.
No, blood and sweat
cannot bear it.
I'm all over agitation.
Where's your aunt,
you young cockatrice?
I'll let her know,
she is a base woman,
and you are...
And you are in a fine
humour to show your valour.
Tag, go and fetch the
Captain this minute,
while Sir Simon's warm,
and let him know he is waiting
here to cut his throat.
[Laughs]
I locked him in my bed chamber
until you arrived.
Ooh!
Here's an imp of darkness!
What would I give that my
son Bob was here to thrash
her spark, while I ravished
the rest of the family.
I believe we had
best retire, Sir.
No, no, no, no, I must stay
and see her bully first;
and, do you hear, Jasper,
if I put him in a passion,
do you knock him down.
Pray keep your temper, Sir.
- No!
Now... What is the meaning,
Sir?
Alas...
'Tis my father.
I am enchanted!
What's all this?
Your humble servant,
Captain Fire-Ball.
You're welcome back from the
wars, noble Captain.
I did not think I would
have the pleasure of being
knocked o'th'head,
or cut up alive
by so fine a gentleman.
Well, I am under such
confusion, Sir,
I have not power to convince
you of my innocence.
Innocence!
Pretty lamb!
So, you have left
the regiment and the
honourable employment of
fighting for your country,
to come home and cut
your father's throat.
His father, Tag!
Come, 'tis soon done, one
stroke does it or,
if you have any qualms,
let your squire there
perform the operation.
Pray, Sir, don't throw
such temptations in my way.
Hold your impudent tongue!
Why don't you
speak Mr. Modesty?
What is your excuse for
leaving the army I say?
My affection to
this lady, sir.
Your affection,
puppy!
Our love has been
long and mutual.
What accidents happened
since my going abroad,
and her leaving the country,
and how I have most
unaccountably met you here,
I am a stranger to.
But whatever appearances
may be, I still am,
and ever was,
your dutiful son.
He speaks like
an angel, Tag!
Dutiful,
Sirrah!
Have you not
rivaled your Father?
No, Sir,
you have rivaled me.
My claim must be
prior to yours.
Indeed, Sir Simon, he does
hold the best title to me.
Sir, Sir, the young
gentleman speaks well, and
as the fortune will not go
out of the family,
I would advise you to
drop your resentment,
be reconciled with your son,
and relinquish the lady.
Ay.
I do so with all my heart.
Lookee, son,
I give you up the girl,
she's too much for me,
I confess.
And take my word,
Bob,
you'll catch a Tartar.
I assure you, Sir Simon,
I'm not the person
you take me for.
If I have treated you
anyways ill it was for
your son's sake,
who had my promises and
inclinations before you;
and though I believe
I should have made you a
most uncomfortable wife,
I shall be the best daughter
to you in the world.
[Laughs]
And if you stand
in need of a lady,
my aunt is disengaged.
Oh no, no, thank you,
child;
you have so turned my
stomach against marriage,
I have no appetite left.
But Bob,
I wish you joy!
Hold a little,
gentlemen and ladies.
Everyone here seems
satisfied but me.
What's the matter Puff?
Sir, as I would prove
worthy of such a master,
and the name of soldier,
I cannot put up with the
least bit of injury
to my honour.
Hey day!
What flourishes are these?
Here's the man.
Come forth caitiff.
He hath confessed to me
this day, that he had
taken freedoms
with my lawful wife,
and had dishonourable
intentions toward my bed;
and I demand satisfaction.
Why,
the fellow's brain's turned.
And cracked too,
Sir!
Come, come, I'll settle
your punctilios,
and take care of you
and Tag hereafter,
provided you drop all
animosities,
and shake hands this moment.
My revenge gives
way to my interest.
Sir, you are my master's
father, and I submit.
And Jasper,
I once again take
you in to my bosom.
I'm your friend
again Puff.
[whispers] But harkye,
I fear you not.
[Louder] And if you'll lay
aside your steel there,
I am at your service
to demand.
You are very good
at crowing indeed,
Mr. Jasper.
But let me tell you, the
fool that is rogue enough
to brag of
a woman's favours,
must be a dung-hill every way.
And as for you,
my dear husband,
show your manhood
in the proper place,
and you need not fear
these sheep-biters.
Come Bob, let us
celebrate your wedding.
And I shall drink a
half-pint bumper.
Come along everyone.
Good folks, I'm come at my
young Lady's bidding,
to say, you are all
welcome to her wedding.
Th'exchange she made,
what mortal can here blame?
Show me the maid that
would not do the same?
For sure the biggest
Monster ever seen,
is the doting Sixty
coupled to Sixteen!
Thus may each maid,
the toils almost entrapped in..
[Knocks]
- Answer the door!
...change old Sir Simon
for the brisk young Captain.
I love these men of arms,
they know their trade.
Let dastards sue,
these sons of fire invade!
They cannot bear around
the bait to nibble,
like pretty, powder'd,
patient Mr. Fribble.
To dangers bred,
and skilful in command,
they storm the strongest
fortress, sword in hand!
Nights without sleep,
- [crying]
and floods of tears when waking,
showed poor Miss Biddy
was in piteous taking.
She's now quite well;
for maids in that condition
find the young lover
is the best physician.
And without helps of art,
or boast of knowledge,
they cure more women,
faith,
than all the college!
[church bells]
[church bells]
Sir Simon, the tincture
for your gout,
as requested,
Sir Simon.
Quiet man!
Away, away!
I intend to retire to
Bath for the season, sir.
I keep a place in
the royal crescent.
Heyday Madam,
I too intend to spend
some time in Bath.
If by accident you
should find yourself
on Blowbladder street...
I will bear it in mind.
Alas,
of course!
What pleasure can bring a
woman of your fine tastes there?
Upon my word you
are a pretty parcel.
So would you accept a
kiss to keep you in mind?
Oh faith, I never met
such an impudent fellow.
My word Miss Felicity,
I cannot believe you would
deny me this triumph.
I am all too well aware of
the duplicitous manner in
which Bob won my young
friend's affections.
He is a rogue
of your stamp.
Am I forever to be an
object of your ridicule?
If fortune smiles.
[arguing]
Mr. Flash?
Captain Flash.
Insufferable fool.
He's a crusty fellow.
Perhaps we could find
somewhere we could, er,
quietly retire?
- For shame now!
[Cheering]
They're coming!
[Cheering]
- They're coming!
Oh,
huzzah!
Huzzah!
[Laughs]
I'm afraid the town will
be ill-natured enough
to think
I've been a little
coquettish in my behaviour;
but as I've been constant
to the Captain,
I hope I'll be
excused diverting myself
with pretenders.
Ah, huzzah! Huzzah!
[Applause]
[Laughter, applause]
[Cheering]
Ladies, to fops and
braggarts ne'er be kind.
No charms can warm 'em...
...and no virtues bind.
Each lover's merit...
...by his conduct prove.
Who fails in honour...
...shall be false in love.
[Cheering,
applause]
[Applause]
The huge tall hangman
stands to give his blow,
and only waits
your pleasures,
ay,
or no.
If you should,
pit,
box and gallery,
egad!
Joy turns his senses,
and the man runs mad.
But if your ears are shut,
your hearts are rock,
and if you pronounce
the sentence,
block to block,
down kneels the bard
and leaves you when he's dead.
The empty tribute
of an author's head.