Miss Nobody (2010) Movie Script

Sarah jane: For a long time,
I'd walk into work
convinced they all knew,
They saw right through me,
me and my innocent act,
Which never used
to be an act--
It's who I really was.
I would never
do anything bad, ever!
I always imagined myself
having a simple life--
Find a nice guy, settle down,
live happily ever after.
Who would've thought
Looking for love
would be so tricky?
But like mom always said,
"sarah jane, ambition will put
you in an early grave."
That's me,
sarah jane mckinney,
Administrative assistant
at judge pharmaceuticals.
( elevator bell dings )
Okay, I was a secretary,
Five years and counting.
I was good at my job,
And I even liked it
most of the time.
But you know what they say--
A job doesn't keep you
warm at night
Or make your heart
skip a beat.
I was beginning to wonder--
Had my life been jinxed
right from the start?
When I was a kid,
I was mom's little movie star,
Which explains why she did me
up just like audrey hepburn
For the st. George's
beauty pageant.
Well, that's mom.
I tried to make her happy,
and for good reason...
...My dad.
( plays discordant notes )
The divorce papers clearly state
that I got rights!
Now, where's
my goddamn daughter?
Shh! Shut up.
Get off me!
My mom believed in karma,
That we all got
what we deserved.
But me, I...
I leaned more towards
divine intervention,
My guardian angel.
( bell tolling )
St. George.
Dragon slayer,
patron saint of chivalry,
Knights, romance...
And justice.
( school bell rings )
but ever since then,
St. George
has watched out for me.
Take frankie sheftell.
I thought frankie was
everything a girl could want--
( grunts )
( whistle blows )
A serious hottie.
Oh, don't worry.
He survived.
He even asked me
to marry him
Over a milkshake
at the dairy joy.
Mom was heartbroken when
he ditched me at the altar,
But really st. George
had sent me
Another blessing
in disguise.
The blessing was
the salad girl from pizza hut,
And her name turned out
to be dick.
( weeping )
Was I unlucky in love?
You never really know.
I trusted my guardian angel.
St. George would guide me
to my knight in shining armor.
Please, please, please
grant me this wish.
Show me the right path,
And I promise
I will never let you down,
Never ever ever.
I swear it.
I faced life at judge
one day at a time...
With my bff,
charmaine abatemarco.
...Posted right there
on the board.
I says to myself,
"charmaine," I says...
That's so charmaine,
always with the big plans.
She had ambition.
I wish I had big plans.
You know what
I'm saying? Hey!
So I applied,
and I will not
be denied.
You should totally
apply, too.
I mean, I don't know
if you'll get it,
'cause I have
more experience,
But you should
definitely try.
Sarah jane: Lie?
Claire: That's right, lie.
If you want this gig,
you gotta get
A little loosey-goosey
with the facts.
I know, but a master's
in chemistry?
Look, judge pharmaceuticals
is a drug company, right?
Well, if you want to be
an executive,
Vast right-wing conspiracy,
you gotta smell like one.
Yeah, but, mom, it's just--
it's so wrong.
( laughing )
What if they check up?
That's the beauty of lying,
baby, the never do.
They're too busy
lying to themselves.
Come on, honey, look,
do you wanna be like me,
Or do you wanna
be like me?
( coughing )
Oh, mr.--
No, mom,
I got it.
your dentures again!
Mr. Ketchum!
Mr. Ketchum!
There you go.
Cough 'em up.
Cough 'em
right there.
That's our boarder,
mr. Ketchum.
Mom was so tired of fishing
his dentures out of the toilet,
But he was a sweet old man...
Although his alzheimer's
was definitely getting worse.
( stops speaking )
Uh, mr. Ketchum?
Just once,
why couldn't mom rent
To some young,
handsome guy?
Mr. Ketchum?
Mr. Ketchum! Hi.
I'm okay.
( flushes )
me too.
You okay,
mr. Ketchum?
Okay, mr. Ketchum,
let's go.
Upstairs, beddy-bye.
Go on, you old fart.
How he pays his rent,
I'll never know.
Must have some money buried
in the cellar, huh?
Oh, oh!
Oh, and madame curie,
"chemistry's" spelled
with one "m," not two.
"dear mr. Gabowski,
I have been
An administrative assistant
at judge..."
I worked on that application
until 3:00 in the morning.
I told them
that I loved chemistry,
That I loved
judge pharmaceuticals,
And that I knew that company
from the inside out.
I didn't think of it
as lying,
Just embellishing
a bit.
Look, I omitted the part
about being nominated
For a nobel peace prize.
St. George would grant me
some wiggle room.
Charmaine: Oh, my god.
You got it!
Yes! A junior executive.
St. George and I
were on our way up.
I knew everybody
and everybody knew me.
There wasn't a xerox copier
I couldn't ink,
A bigalow's tea bag
I couldn't locate.
But that? That was
ancient history.
I'd moved up
to judge pharmaceuticals
Famed division four.
My first day
as a junior executive,
I toasted st. George
with a double-shot
low-fat hazelnut latte
And fortified myself
with estee lauder
Perfume freebies
at nordstrom's.
Stop by confession first
or nordstrom's?
Mm. Sexy.
Constipated, period?
Cramps, eczema, asthma?
Mm. Ah-ha. So.
( elevator bell dings )
You gonna knock
'em dead or what?
Do I know you
from somewhere?
Charmaine abatemarco,
Seventy-five words
per minute,
coffee always fresh,
And don't you
dare forget me.
Hey, sarah jane!
Don't you dare.
Oh. Uh, you must be
miss mckinney.
Milo beeber.
( sighs )
They didn't
tell you.
Tell me?
St. Louis division
flew me in last Friday.
They didn't tell you.
Oh, a-all I know
is that I applied
For this job a month ago,
and mr. Grabow--
Grabowski's been fired.
Promotion's off.
Um, I assume
this is yours, yes?
I'm being let go?
Oh, no, nothing
like that.
You get to be
my new secretary.
Will that be all, sir?
Um... Coffee.
Coffee?! He actually
said that?
Mm-hmm! Translation--
put up, suck up, or die!
But still, oh!
He's kind of cute.
Charmaine abatemarco!
I'm just saying, you know,
he could be quite a catch.
Sweetie, look.
It wasn't but a minute ago
You were all set
to marry frankie numb-nuts.
Remember him?
You wanted to start
Popping out
little pygmies,
Grow an industrial-sized ass,
and settle down
For a nice long run
as a housefrau?
When that didn't fly,
you set your sights
on the executive suites.
Why? Hey! 'cause you're
a survivor, right?
All I'm selling now
is survive more!
Combine the two
and become mrs. Beeber,
Executive housefrau.
No, uh-uh, no way.
I don't even know
if this beeber guy
is even attracted to me.
Rule of thumb--
if the new boss
Is even
the least bit game,
He starts with
the wandering hand disease.
At first, his wrist
Will accidentally
dust yours.
This usually happens
after lunch--
Like, 3:00
at the latest.
By Thursday,
he'll find some way
to stroke your cheek.
It's all very subtle
at first.
He'll think it's you,
but it's not.
In a week, if he's
still hot to trot,
He'll chummy up with
an innocent backrub.
Bosses are the easiest
men to screw.
Sarah jane: Char had a point!
He certainly was touchy.
On the other hand...
I mean, I have been
And sexually harassed.
( gasps )
I needed some advice
From someone
who knew about men.
( chuckles ) as far as
the target gender goes,
This little number?
Guaranteed erection.
Mom, you want me
to wear that?
Oh, listen, doll!
Sex-wise, men are obsessed
with four things.
Two of them,
like cow udders, fit here,
The third is a foul
and disgusting jungle,
And the fourth is
some bizarre fetish having
to do with calf muscles,
Hence my all-purpose
come-fuck-me pumps.
Double bueno!
You'll be the ho
I always hoped for.
You know how every girl
has worn that one dress
That was just
an inch too short...
Or maybe four to five inches?
In any event, it seemed
to be working.
( elevator bell dings )
I was getting noticed!
( elevator bell dings )
I was on my way up.
Are you all right?
It's almost 6:00.
How's about you
go grab the files,
And, uh, we'll work
through dinner.
You like
chinese food?
I love chinese food.
Good. I know
the perfect spot.
How about
this hemorrhoid cream?
Stats say
it's a top seller.
One mu shu pork
and three mai tais later,
I found myself
drifting off.
Why are people needing
so much hemorrhoid cream?
Rear schmear.
But mr. Beeber
kept talking work...
Write that down.
We'll bring that up.
...And I wanted him
talking us.
Rear schmear.
It's the whole rhyming thing.
It's like mom
always said.
Best way to keep
a man interested?
Get him talking
about himself.
Mr. Beeber? I-I can't
help wondering.
I mean, you have
this mile-long resume.
Why did I accept
this position?
I mean, it kind of seems
like a step down.
No offense.
New job.
Gotcha. Bored.
No, new job. N-e-w j-o-b.
Nether, everwright,
Wilder, jejeune,
Ormsby, and bardo.
See, back in st. Louis,
The head honchos
are entrenched for life.
There's no chance
for me to move up.
But... Here,
The right exec can gut
the competition
And move straight
to the top.
New job.
"how does he plan
to do this?" she asks.
With this little blue pill.
It reverses
age-onset senility.
Clarity has been
developed years ago.
It had only been tested
a little bit
And then mothballed
due to budget cuts.
The one thing
he was convinced of,
It was sure to be
the next wonder drug.
Maybe charmaine
was right!
Maybe this guy
was a catch!
Business is like chess,
sarah jane.
You always gotta think
three moves ahead.
Like, when I stole your job
and insisted you work for me...
I wanted you
on my side.
You did?
The question is, do you stick
around and play my queen,
Or stay the pawn?
Queen sounds real nice.
Let's say we finish up
back at my place.
( slurps anxiously )
( burps )
Excuse me.
( thunder rumbles )
All right.
It's right in here.
Ah! Home base.
Make yourself at home.
Nice place.
Thank you.
I just moved in,
So please excuse the mess.
Yeah, I made a killing
on a foreclosure sale.
Here you are.
To subprime
To subprime
( phone chirps )
Hmm! Uh,
just a second. Sorry.
( camera sound clicks )
Sorry about that,
but for a moment there,
I thought it was
my fiancee.
What? Fiancee?
You-- you mean
you're engaged?
Wait, we're
not gonna date?
Date? You and me?
No, of course not.
Why not?
I mean...
Then why am I here?
It-- you're
my secretary.
I always have sex
with my secretary.
Mr. Beeber!
The ladder!
I like it on the ladder.
Haven't tried it
that way yet.
Get off of me!
You just get off of me!
Mr. Beeber.
Mr. Beeber!
( gasps )
uh! Ooh!
Mr. Beeber, I said no!
Mr. Beeber?
Are you okay?
( gasps )
( muffles a shriek )
Next day, it was there
on my face
For all the world to see...
Ah, there she is.
Sarah jane mckinney?
It was the police.
Put out
your hands, please.
They'd found out.
I was sure of it.
You've got your promotion.
We just flew in
from the head office
to give you the news.
It seems that
mr. Beeber's had,
Well, a rather
unfortunate accident.
( gasps ) no.
I-I hope he is all right.
An umbrella just, uh--
Right through.
Well, it's tragic, really.
But the good new is
is that you're next in line.
That is good news.
So look on the bright side.
His loss
is your gain.
I finally had
my promotion!
I did write
a nice sympathy note
To mr. Beeber's fiancee.
I was sorry for her...
Even if she was going
to marry a lech.
It didn't take a genius
to see that none of the execs
Had a clue about the horrors
of cellulite-- or cared!
In short, fat cells
push up against fibrous tissue
To form clumps of fat
called cellulite.
Cream-wise, nothing we have
puts a dent in it.
Maybe I wasn't as far
out of my league as I thought.
Meet cynthia bardo.
Ms. Bardo had been crated in
from the new England branch.
Her main expertise?
Sales, with a side order
of s-e-x.
Leonard ormsby,
marketing guru.
Leonard's wife had recently
given him an ultimatum--
Either he lose
the blubber gut,
Or she'd divorce him
and marry his twin.
That's joshua nether,
head of finance
And our resident
sexual predator.
He thought of himself
as a lady-killer,
But really all the ladies
wanted to kill him.
Then there was pierre jejeune,
public relations.
His superiors
thought he walked on water,
But to everyone else,
total bottom feeder.
( growls )
Next up, nan wilder,
product development czar
And my boss.
She was known
to play favorites.
It's not a bad gig
if you can get it.
Last but not least,
mr. Hale everwright,
Division four's
big man in charge.
Apparently mr. E. Had little,
if any idea what he was doing,
But that didn't stop him
from leading division four
With great,
albeit clueless, gusto.
There you have it--
n-e-w j-o-b. New job.
...Suppositories and wipes
are performing in the field.
Very good work.
( whispers )
sarah jane.
( whispers )
These psoriasis stats?
So, our butt plugs and wipes
Cause 10% of the public
to itch a twitch.
What do we care if it works
for the other 90?
Uh, well, in terms
of competition--
Pierre's right.
If this goop sues--
Better yet, sells--
then that's why we
Exist, isn't it,
to make profits?
Thank you for backing me
up on that.
Good job,
sarah jane.
Their message was clear.
The game is dog-eat-dog.
Did I feel small?
Oh, yeah, so much
that I nearly confessed.
Charmaine, what I'm
trying to say is that
I might have done
something bad, very bad.
You gonna eat
your shrimp?
I'm talking here!
Look, I know, all right?
You know?
Did you do bad?
No doubt about it.
So your new challenge is
how fast can you score
Before wilder
fires your ass.
Hold on. Wait.
I'm getting fired?
( slurping )
sarah jane, give me
a swig of your coke.
The game
is hardball.
You gotta think
three steps ahead.
That's what beeber said.
Beeber, schmeeber.
The question is did he
leave anything behind
that you can rip off?
He never mentioned
some new malaria drug,
Or, I don't know,
a spiffy new ointment?
Missy, I think I'm being
plenty clear, right?
Enough career talk.
( sighs )
Hey, dish me.
Who'd you slay?
What do you mean?
Men, you nerdling!
Which exec did you set
your beady little eyes on?
Speak of the devil.
( growls )
Johnny, god!
Hi, there.
What, baby?
Hey, sarah jane.
So, is it true
what they say,
Execs, uh, do it better?
Cool breeze,
lay off.
All right, charmaine,
come on.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on!
We only got an hour left.
That's johnny,
char's husband.
They were trying
for a baby...
...But char was still
sneaking the pill.
She said she liked
the extra attention.
Was I jealous of char?
Maybe a little.
But I had clarity
to think about.
The deeper I sank
my teeth into clarity,
The more I was convinced
I was onto something.
With clarity,
older lab rats
Had increased their
cognitive abilities tenfold.
I mean, who wouldn't want
smarter elderly rats?
So, with my ad campaign,
Mouthwash sales could enjoy
an uptick of 3%.
Care to comment,
sarah jane?
Why only three?
( chuckles )
( laughing )
It's ridiculous, right?
( sighs ) I know.
Do you agree?
Yes, I do agree.
I agree.
And now they're enacting laws
so we can't even conduct
research on illegal immigrants.
I mean, american citizens,
okay, but foreigners?
( snorts )
I mean, how are we
ever to know if
These idiotic drugs
actually work?
It's crazy.
A surefire cure for alzheimer's
would be my ticket to success,
But first I had to test it
On a living, breathing
human being...
And I had
the perfect guinea pig.
The following night
I slipped 10 milligrams
Of clarity into mr. Ketchum's
mushroom soup.
Uh, salty.
Oh, for christ's sake,
it's like caring for an infant.
Day one. Minor
motor control issues.
Mr. Ketchum?
( alarm clock dinging )
I couldn't let anyone
know I had clarity,
So I had to do all my research
on the sly,
Keep clarity under wraps.
It was
a delicate balancing act,
So I prayed to st. George
for wisdom and patience...
Patience to deal with
my personal secretary,
L.J. Feffer.
L.J.! I'm expecting
a very important call
from miss wilder.
( phone ringing )
Having a male secretary
was a nice twist,
But seriously...
L.J.: Hello?
Is there anything else?
The wheel was spinning,
but the hamster was dead.
( beep )
L.J., are you
buzzing me?
No. Hello?
( beeps )
Did you--
no. Hello?
Buzz me?
( beeping )
L.J., who was that?
Who was what?
On the phone?
Um, I told her
that you were busy.
Told who?
Miss wilder.
Miss wilder?
L.J., she's my boss!
I was waiting for her call.
I said that was
a very important call!
Whoops. I didn't--
know that--
I guess
that's my bad, hmm?
Is there anything else?
Yes. Staples
are for paper,
Not for pants.
I'll staple you. Stapler.
( spritzing )
( knocking )
Miss wilder?
Sarah jane.
Glad you stopped by.
Come on in.
I'm having a bit
of a problem with
your performance lately.
It's too good.
Gee. For a moment there--
threw you, huh?
Damn it.
Now, orchids
I can deal with,
But bonsais are
so, uh, touchy.
May I?
Yeah, you're killing
them with kindness.
Bonsai plants,
you have to have a deft hand.
Sort of, uh, flatter
them a little?
Exactly. Next time,
you just turn the nozzle
to "spray."
The girl even knows
plants. ( chuckles )
Miss wilder--
sarah jane--
Go ahead.
I just wanted to say,
Woman to woman,
That I think that you rank
right up there
With, like,
I don't know. Oprah.
Why, sarah jane!
Are you trying
to kiss my ass?
Yes, ma'am,
I believe I am.
Good. It shows spunk.
Have a seat.
Play the queen,
never the pawn.
Mr. Beeber
taught me that.
Milo and I came up
in the company together.
We even had
a pet project-- clarity.
Hmm. Actually, I-I barely
got to know him.
He was all penis.
And I was
a headstrong woman
In an increasingly
wussified man's world,
So we joined forces...
To get ahead.
After all, we all
want to get ahead,
Don't we,
sarah jane?
Miss wilder, I'm not
getting your drift.
Then why are you holding
my old clarity files?
This? No.
No, no, no, you're mistaken.
You know
what else I think?
I think that
you were with beeber
the night he died.
How can you-- no--
'cause that night,
beeber texted me...
Your picture,
and typed in
That he was about
to bed you down.
We were kinky that way.
( click )
( inhales ) mm!
We went to dinner...
That night, sure.
For work.
I-I just got confused--
So, you were
with him that night?
At dinner.
But not at his--
Then why didn't
you call the police?
Because he stole my job,
And--and I didn't think
that they would believe me.
I mean, who am I?
I'm a nobody.
Why don't we just
call the police,
You know, tell them
your little story,
And see what they think.
No, no, no, please don't.
Were you at
his place or not?
You killed him,
didn't you?
Miss wilder, you have
to understand.
He fell off
of this ladder
And landed on
this cheap umbrella.
You mean
my housewarming gift?
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean
to kill him.
Please, you have
to understand that.
I swear. Just--
Don't call the police.
Call the police?
Now? ( chuckles )
Why on earth
would I do that?
No. No, no,
no, no, no.
I'll tell you what
I'll be wanting.
You'll be giving me
80% of your paycheck
Each week in cash.
You can leave now.
I had a difficult
decision to make--
Give in to
miss wilder's demands,
Electrocute her
at the water cooler,
Or trip her
on the subway.
Tough choices.
A sign!
St. George was with me.
"...Mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house
of the lord forever."
It would be miss wilder's
fondest wish
That would you fill in
at her desk, sarah jane.
"fondest wish."
Still, I began to get
this feeling
The other execs
didn't like me very much.
I needed guidance
from a higher source.
Look, st. George,
I know you just gave me a sign,
But when I saw
those execs eyeballing me,
It really got me thinking
that maybe
That legless george guy
was just a coincidence,
So no offense, but I'd
really like another sign,
Just, you know, to confirm
that I'm on the right track.
Did I under-do the candles?
No? Good. Okay.
( mouse squeaks )
Claire: Sarah jane!
Sarah jane, we have mice!
Don't just sit there!
Come and help me catch
the little bastard! On, no!
( indistinct
shrieking )
Aaah! Aaah!
Aah! Aah!
Oh, my god.
St. George!
Uh, no, ma'am,
knight in shining armor.
( swoons )
Oh! Oh, my god.
I completely forgot.
Baby, meet
detective sergeant bill malloy,
Our new boarder.
Um, um, sergeant malloy,
This is my daughter,
sarah jane mckinney.
She's an executive.
Well, sarah jane, it's, uh,
it's very nice to meet you.
Detective sergeant
bill malloy.
Mrs. Detective sergeant
sarah jane mckinney-malloy.
It was as if my dreams
were finally coming true!
I'm not rushing.
And you're flushed.
Why are you flushed?
It's my rouge.
Your rouge? Who
the hell says "rouge"?
Excuse me, sorry.
What's with
all the smirking?
I'm not smirking.
I'm not.
Holy shit, it's a guy.
Shh. It's not a guy.
Char... It's a guy.
( laughing )
I was like
a fire hydrant.
I-I couldn't shut off.
I was so excited that--
I feel embarrassed
even saying this,
But I felt like
I was gonna faint.
No kidding. Faint.
Anyway, I told charmaine
everything I know
About sergeant
bill malloy.
He was a cop,
but suspended.
He'd gone too far
in this gang-related drug
D.A.'s turf, he'd said.
D.A.'s turf?
( cup shatters,
body thuds )
I mean,
how cool is that?
Claire: Is everything
all right in there?
I'm all right.
Day 30. 20 milligrams.
Increased energy
and coordination.
His captain had
to put him on ice
For a while
to simmer down.
On ice! I mean,
don't you just love it?
( triumphant fanfare )
( fax whirrs, beeps )
Pierre: Ms. Abatemarco,
I've seen better handwriting
From a dead baboon--
not alive. Dead.
Now, if I were a member
of, say, a state crime lab,
Maybe, maybe, I could
deciphering your scribbling.
But I am not a member
of the state crime lab.
Um, sorry. Mm...
A zib of baila?
Um, ballcock?
Bal-- ballyhock?
Bla-- blaylock?
Mr. Blaylock?
Excellent. That was--
that was perfect.
The only problem is
here I needed to speak
To mr. B-b-b-blaylocke
But I couldn't speak
to mr. B-b-b-blaylocke
because I mistook
Your fucking message
for a fucking doodle.
Because no one in
their right fucking mind
Would ever interpret
your fucking handwriting
As even remotely linked
To the english
fucking language!
A few things
about pierre jejeune--
Public relations
was his vehicle
For trading
inside information.
Even the mayor
was in on the action.
And he liked to sample
the secretarial buffet.
Podophilia, it's called.
He also liked to watch.
( moaning )
Billed his late-night
Popcorn porno parties
to his expense account.
Get out.
You're fired.
Um, excuse me.
But, uh, charmaine,
l.J.'s moving
To mr. Everwright's desk
next week, so you're hired.
Um, but mr. Jejeune,
he just--
Charmaine. I said...
You're hired.
Now, get your stuff and go.
Wow. So, you like
to play games, mckinney.
You think you got
clarity now? Well, fine.
Why don't
you take your...
Frisky little breasts
back to miss wilder's office
And you can conjure up
your little schemes.
But when you're all
by your lonesome,
Remember this--
We're not friends
tra-la-la la-la...
( gasps )
When he mentioned
miss wilder and clarity
In the same breath,
I knew he'd sent the fax.
If I learned anything
at judge pharmaceutical,
It's you have to think
three steps ahead.
( chuckles )
Nether, you dirty dog!
Nether and jejeune
had this running gag.
One would give the other
the hottest porn of the week.
Then the recipient
would xerox his naked butt
And leave it on
the other's desk
As a token
of his appreciation.
tra-la-la la-la
( confessional divider slides )
I've been bad, father.
Mm. How bad?
Well, let's see.
I have argued
with my mother...
I've been prideful,
vain, unkind,
And I killed a few people.
You killed a few people?
It wasn't
premeditated, though.
Well, maybe sort of?
Does that count?
And these murders,
where did they take place?
In a dream?
Your boss?
And others you've
come in contact with.
And because
you don't like them,
Or hate then, even,
It's your fault
that they die.
Sarah jane,
you have always had
A very vivid
Oh, well, um...
How come you
haven't been caught?
St. George.
St. George?
My guardian angel.
Father grisham, how else
do you explain
Mr. Perfect
becoming our boarder?
And-- and old mr. Ketchum
progressing so nicely
on clarity?
I mean, don't you see?
There is a pattern.
So, I just figured
that if I came in here
And I cleared the air
a little,
That maybe things
could get back to,
You know,
( whistles ) normal.
Well, uh, sarah jane,
this killing business--
When you visualize
the act, does it
relieve stress?
Yes, father.
Yes, it does.
Good. Then...
Continue your course.
( knocking )
And, uh, say ten
hail marys
And get back to me
in a month.
My dad was a cop.
My granddad was a cop.
My granddad's granddad
was a cop.
Yeah. So,
genetically speaking,
We're talking
a long line
Of very
suspicious people.
( chuckles )
Must be doing
something right,
'cause the department
lifted my suspension.
I'm working
homicide now.
Homicide, really?
Yeah. In fact, I was
just handed a case.
One of your, uh,
judge execs,
Pierre jejeune.
Yeah. Electrocuted
bare-ass on a copier?
( laughing )
( laughs ) you mean
it wasn't an accident?
Well, yeah,
in the movies, maybe.
In real life?
You know, detective,
I get the feeling
that you like to play games.
You're a clever girl,
sarah jane.
I'll give you that.
What else will you give me?
A word.
I'm sorry, officer,
but checkmate
Has two "c"s in it, not one.
Not tonight,
doll face.
( dogs barking )
Day 72, 35 milligrams.
Increased motivation.
Decreased inhibition.
He gonna be okay?
Yeah, he does that
all the time.
All right, 'cause
those are my slippers.
I liked bill,
and I think he liked me.
Was he my knight
in shining armor,
Or was he the "check"
in "checkmate"?
With jejeune's old job,
I was now at the center
Of bill's investigation,
But I also had my pardon
from father grisham.
St. George, he always
had my back.
Ah! Our p.R. Princess
hath arrived!
Sarah jane, let me give you
the blow-by-blow
Of the halldice conference.
Um, a) we go
in gangbusters.
High energy.
Lightning in a bottle.
Charmaine, b).
Sarah jane delivers
the powerpoint presentation
and the big spiel.
Mm-hmm, and finally c).
If the fish are biting,
there will be
A perfect lull after
you're done speaking,
At which point I want
you to say nothing,
as in nada!
Let them come to you.
And if they don't bite?
In that case,
there'll be
A much longer,
deadlier silence,
At which point morty
Will hop onto
his trusty steed
And save
fair damsel nell
With such an incredible
line of horseshit
Even charmaine'd buy it.
Morty wickham
had been flown in
To help me get a handle
on my new job in p.R.
He'd been jejeune's protege.
Morty had been passed over
for jejeune's job
On account of
a minor drug habit.
( shudders ) ooh.
I didn't have to worry
about him hitting on me.
I wasn't his type.
You getting
this down?
I'm typing as fast
as I can.
Morty, you're the one
with the charisma.
You give the speech.
Oh, nonsense.
You're charming
and fresh-faced.
Besides, if you need help,
I'll be right in the front row.
Don't you sweat it, baby.
I've got your back.
Every year,
our company sponsored
the halldice conference.
Top executives flew in
from all over the country.
We presented
our newest products,
Laid out marketing strategies
for them by day,
And interns by night.
It was my big debut
as head of p.R.,
My chance to make
a good impression,
To be taken seriously,
Not just some
other blonde bimbo
Trying to get ahead.
Judge would be the first
to promote homeopathic bandages
Saturated with honey
instead of antibiotics,
Which would occupy
a place
In every medicine cabinet
in every home
Across america.
Honey-soaked band-aids?
Gee, folks, sounds
kind of strange to me.
Um, is there a problem,
mr. Wickham?
Yes, miss mckinney.
Excuse me, sarah.
Prescriptive antibiotics
Are this company's bread
and butter.
Are you really proposing
that we forsake
Our loyal doctors
and hospitals
For some touch-me,
feel-me, granola-inspired
Do-it-yourself kit?
"gee, doc, tommy's got
a flesh-eating virus."
"buy a honey-soaked band-aid."
( laughing )
"gee, doc, little buffy's chemo
spiked a fever."
"apply two honey-soaked
gauze pads
And call me
in the morning."
I mean, come on, people!
Not only is this ludicrous,
It's idiotic!
I mean, what the hell
is honey anyway?
Bee vomit!
I think st. George
would agree.
Morty had not been
very chivalrous.
( cartoon
soundtrack playing )
( gas hissing )
( laughing )
( explosion )
This just in--
a tragic fire broke out
In the boroughs
this evening
When a faulty gas line
Firefighters wrestled
with that blaze
For over an hour before
getting it under control.
Unfortunately, the fire
did claim the life
Of the homeowner, identified
as mortimer j. Wickham,
A rising executive
with judge pharmaceuticals.
In other news tonight...
Did you guys hear that?
News said some,
uh, exec from judge
Just bit the dust--
mortimer wickham.
Morty? Are you kidding?
Char and I
worked with him.
Not anymore. Gas leak
blew him to bits.
That makes four.
Yeah, beeber, wilder,
jejeune... Now morty.
Well, I heard that
they were all accidents.
Four accidental deaths
in ten months?
So, what are you saying,
john, I mean, we're jinxed?
All I'm saying is
statistically speaking--
Doesn't add up.
Maybe we shouldn't
go back to work. I mean--
No, no, no.
Yours truly is
on the case.
As soon as I get
a handle on this
jejeune thing,
I'll know
what's what.
Just maybe, the three of you
are gonna die...
From dancing.
Come on, baby.
When I was four years old,
I was scared of my own shadow.
You were?
Yeah, crying
every day and night,
And my old man, right,
Big porterhouse of
a cop, he says to me,
"hey, billy boy,
we're going to florida,
"and you'd better be
ready to fly.
Any crying,
there's gonna be trouble."
So, for six
incredibly long days,
I was completely terrified.
Because you were sure
you were going to cry.
Because I didn't
know how to fly.
( sighs )
You know, sarah jane...
People aren't
who they seem to be.
All the garbage,
all the lies
A cop has to deal with?
Sometimes I feel like
I'm still trying
To grow those wings,
rise above it all.
Bill, do you think
I'll ever fly above
the clouds?
You stick with me, kid.
I'll fly you to the moon.
Or put you in jail.
( laughing )
( door opens )
( laughs ) sarah jane,
it was a real pleasure.
Bill, it was
a real pleasure, too.
All right. You sleep as snug
as a bug in a rug, okay?
Listen, sarah jane,
I'm an old-fashioned guy,
Okay, and when
the time is right,
we're both gonna know it.
Yeah yeah yeah.
In the meantime, you just
keep flirting with me.
Good night.
( sighs ) me, I would've
jumped his bones,
Cop or no cop.
( bill's door closes )
( urinating )
Oh, mr. Ketchum!
Uh, I'm okay.
( sighs ) oh, crap.
( thuds )
( heart monitor beeping )
Fairly serious stroke.
We're doing everything we can.
Try not to worry.
Worry? If it was up to me,
I'd let the old turd
break his neck months ago.
I can't believe he's getting by
on just his social security.
Mom, will you
just stop it!
When you're off
having your fancy lunches,
I'm home all goddamn day...
That wheezing
sounds quite deep.
...Boiling his vegetables,
dirty underwear, and sheets...
See me after.
I'm fine, doc.
I said see me after!
...Change his diapers?
No fucking way!
Mrs. Mckinney, is
this about the bill?
The bill? Doctor, it's 5:00
in the fucking morning.
I got pee puddles
all over my goddamn house!
Um, mrs. Mckinney,
I'm working open shifts now.
I might be able
to help you out some.
( wheezing )
It's true,
I couldn't breathe.
( wheezes )
Was it because I was scared
of falling in love?
Arms up.
Did I fear
being hurt again?
Or was it because
of those--?
( coughs )
the things I'd done.
See, doctor,
it's nothing.
Tell me, have you
been anxious lately?
Holding something in?
I'm a little tired.
You can put
your arms down.
No problems in the workplace,
people stressing you out?
Because asthma can be
emotional in origin,
Sort of
a chain reaction thing.
I'm prescribing
a new medication for you.
( cabinet opens )
But it is not--
And I can't emphasize
this enough--
It is not to be mixed
with aspirin products.
Gotcha. No aspirini,
no problimi.
Combining the two
can be lethal.
You know, sarah jane,
All those people dying
at your work's got me thinking.
Yeah, bill?
What about?
I mean, four execs
in ten months?
It's like johnny said,
the odds of that happening...
I don't know if you ever
heard of some gay guy
Being blown up
in his own house,
Or some idiot
being electrocuted
Bare-ass on
a xerox machine.
I looked it up.
No one's been hit
by a train in years.
( screaming in film )
I mean, isn't it just
a bit coincidental
That beeber's phone records
show him text-messaging wilder
The very same night
he died?
But you never found
miss wilder's cell
phone, right?
No, actually, I did.
On the subway tracks.
It was all mashed up.
Still, the, uh, lab thinks
they can recover the chip.
And another thing--
death by umbrella?
That doesn't strike
you as strange?
You mean, beeber?
Hot-shot executives
just don't shish-kebab
Themselves on
their own rain gear.
It doesn't happen.
Well, I don't--
I mean, maybe--
It's possible--
I barely knew him,
But I don't know,
Maybe he just slipped
off of his ladder.
I never said
he had a ladder.
I must've heard
that at work.
I don't know.
You like your bouillabaisse?
It's delicious.
How's yours?
Oh, fantastic.
I'm in real trouble,
st. George.
If bill's onto me,
Then I'm gonna need
to make a move.
But if I make a move
and in the process
Realize that bill's
not onto me,
He might in turn
realize what's up,
And then he will be
onto me...
And I like this guy.
Oh, I want this guy.
So, I guess...
What I'm saying is...
I would like
a miracle, please.
Okay, maybe not
a miracle...
But a sign, at least?
All right?
( distant thunder rumbles )
( rain patters )
( sighs in relief )
I needed a way
out of this mess,
And there,
in that purifying rain,
It came to me--
I needed a fresh start
with no strings
And no trail.
I needed--
It's a win-win.
A fall guy.
...With my buddies
at ortho blue,
We manufacture,
we distribute.
Their logo, their liability.
Plus, we just put up
half the money.
Eh, josh,
these test results--
Increased heart rate,
liver complications, stroke?
Yeah, nobody
said it was perfect.
Have you run this
by the chicago office?
Milo beeber did
last fall.
Milo beeber?
Yeah. It was his pet project
over at ortho.
He even came up
with the name.
You guys ready? Clarity.
And you said
it causes stroke?
The potential damage
to customers is--
4% tops. Six, maybe
five deaths per annum...
...Provided they overdose.
And the upside?
Upside! Big upside!
Salary bonuses, stock options,
promotions all around.
People, it's not perfect.
Nothing is.
I say we go for it.
Nether wanted clarity?
Oh, he could have it.
Joshua nether,
a walking, talking,
Sexual harassment
Like they said in rome,
Live by the sword,
die by the sword.
Nether would never know
what hit him.
I had his number...
( laughing )
...All of his numbers.
Social security number,
Mother's birthday,
and password.
I took the funds
he controlled for clarity
And transferred them
to accounts I'd created.
Pretending to be
his wife,
I withdrew
all those diverted funds,
And pretending
to be his girlfriend,
I booked two
first-class tickets to moldova.
Oh, fyi? Moldova has
no extradition treaty
With the United States.
I looked it up.
Oh, that-- no, no.
This was my absolute
last date ever
With anyone whose name
wasn't bill malloy.
I just prayed that bill
would never know
What I've done
in the name of love.
( forcing laugh )
( phone ringing )
Mom, let me
call you back.
I'm, uh, rockin'
and rollin'.
Home, james!
I couldn't keep
this up much longer.
Something had to give.
Here comes the airplane
into the hangar.
That's right.
Big open...
Sadly, it turned out
to be mr. Ketchum.
( sighs ) swallow
'em down, mr. Ketchum.
Here comes another
lovely, lovely bite.
Here we go. Mm!
That's a good boy.
Yeah, you like
my mashed peas.
( burps )
Okay. You ready?
( mumbling )
( thuds )
Day 97.
Breathing discontinued.
With mr. Ketchum dead,
it was like mom...
Was ready
for a close-up.
Well, it would be
her first full-fledged wake
She'd thrown in years.
Hey, bill!
Can you zip--
Where are you going?
I know what you've
been up to, sarah jane.
What? Bill!
Honey, these roses--
with or without
the baby's breath?
With. Bill!
Ah! Mr. Ketchum.
So, lady, where
would you like him?
In the parlor
by the open window.
Bill had discovered
the truth!
My fall guy
had to fall-- and fast.
Sarah jane, let's
do it right now!
Joshua, we'll
get caught.
No, we won't.
Besides, you have to go
sign those contracts.
Now, I gave you
the address,
didn't I?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
And I want you...
To cab out there.
And be there what time?
I'm going.
Seducing a self-proclaimed
stud monkey
Was far easier
than I anticipated...
And, frankly,
far more nauseating.
Nether took the bait,
all right,
And was trying
to swallow it whole.
I typed nether's confession...
Forged his signature
and planted some stolen cash...
I borrowed mom's lincoln...
Picked up supplies,
concocted my poison...
Let's see.
50 milligrams of clarity
Had been too much
for mr. Ketchum...
So I'd use 5,000
for nether.
You know, it's like
mom always said--
When entertaining, better
too much than too little.
Let's rock.
Joshua: Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
One more.
Mm! ( mumbles )
To us.
To us.
Uh uh uh!
( makes schmoopy noises )
( giggles )
Drink up.
Do you like
your oysters?
I love 'em.
Do you want some more?
You make me want
to cry. Come here.
Why don't you have
another oyster?
Who needs the oyster
when I have the pearl?
Look, look, look, look.
Open up. Open up.
( moaning )
( laughing ) oh!
I didn't know
what would kick in first,
The oysters
or the clarity.
It was the oysters.
Whoa! Oh.
Hey, I never said
I was a virgin.
Ooh! Gah! Uh.
( thud )
( panting )
( chatter, music )
Oh, sarah jane!
come here. Look.
You won't
believe this!
April nagata,
parole officer!
Oh, it's nice to see you.
Isn't it a shame?
And look, mr. Tippet!
Mr. Ketchum's boss
at the funeral home.
Finest goddamn hearse driver
that I ever had.
Drunk 24 hours a day--
oh, sorry, father.
Oh, thanks.
Hi, char.
How are you?
Food's a class act, s.J.
Best wake this year!
Yeah, your mom even
busted out the champagne.
Yeah. Okay, um,
and this is my newest friend,
Snooks cunningham.
Snooks recently underwent
a sex change operation.
How's long's it
been now, snooks?
( super deep voice )
last Thursday.
So, old man ketchum.
In the end, how did
the son of a bitch go down?
To the last.
I think he used to bang
my late wife dorothy.
My son's
his spitting image.
Really. Huh.
Uh, how's
mr. Ketchum?
Well, last I looked, honey,
he was still dead.
( knocking )
um, just a minute.
Good day.
It's father grisham.
( chuckles )
I haven't seen you
at church...
Or has your st. George
replaced me?
I've-- I've
just been busy.
Killing people again?
( chuckles weakly )
you mean old mr. Ketchum.
( chuckles )
Have you ever heard
of hubris, sarah jane?
Exaggerated pride
or self-confidence.
You, father?
I'll leave you
to your thoughts.
( door rumbles )
It's over, kid.
End of the line.
You're going
to arrest me?
See, that's not funny.
Oh, I know.
What are you doing?
What? What?
It's freezing.
( coffin and window
close together )
You know,
If I hadn't seen it
with my own eyes,
I never would've
believed it.
I mean, you...
You, sarah jane.
I mean...
Don't-- don't-- don't
play games with me.
Okay? We both know
what's going on here.
Well, you've
gotta understand.
The first time
it was an accident.
( chuckles )
that's what you call it?
An accident?
You got the nerve
to dine uptown
with that scumbag...
...And call it
an accident?
Which scumbag?
What-- oh, god.
Oh, jesus!
Son of a bitch!
There are others?
No. Maybe.
Who? What?
I saw you,
you understand that?
I saw you get out
of the car with him!
Who? Well, you know--
One-- one of your execs
on my list.
Uh, nether, okay?
Last Tuesday night.
So, babe, uh,
You and me?
We're history, okay?
Oh, oh. Bill, wait!
Nether and I,
we just work together.
That's it.
It was just business,
I swear.
Are you lying?
I swear.
Damn it!
Stupid temper.
Stupid. I just--
don't. Don't.
I just thought--
I know, I know.
But you gotta
learn to trust me.
What's that?
What's this?
Uh, that's
why I came in.
To wrap it up.
It's a ring. For you.
It's okay.
We'll get it resized.
Sarah jane...
Do you remember when,
uh, when I told you
That when the time
is right, we'll know?
You know what?
That time is right now.
( whimpers )
'tis you, 'tis you
must go and I must bide
but come ye back
in summers
in the meadow...
Under the circumstances,
things were working out
Better than
I could've expected.
I had the perfect man,
The perfect job,
And with nether
six feet under,
The perfect alibi.
"I embezzled the money
and the others found out,
"so I killed them one by one.
Don't try to find me.
I've flown off to an island
far, far away."
Sound like, uh,
sound like him?
Who was this?
Oh, nether. Uh...
Yeah, that guy.
Could be. Could be.
Sarah jane, did you hear?
You mean nether?
Yeah. Can you believe it?
Maybe I was next, bill.
Yeah, maybe.
Just, uh--
Boy, I don't know.
You know, a guy
that meticulous,
You know, a guy
willing to murder
In order to keep
the money he embezzled,
A guy like that doesn't just
leave 30 grand in his office.
And then there's
the "l" thing.
The "l" thing?
Yeah, he spelled
"sincerely" with two "l"s,
You know, but when I checked
his other papers and stuff,
There were no mistakes,
not a one.
( phone ringing )
Oh. Captain calling.
See you later?
You can count on it.
Okay, kid.
The "l" thing.
Who was sending the notes?
My fellow asthmatic
used the same inhaler as mine.
( coughing )
was never to be mixed
With products
containing aspirin...
Like clarity.
And since he only
drank bottled water,
He was an easy target.
Bardo. Well, it would be
the simplest thing in the world
To set her up
as a victim of a sex crime.
In fact, if it
didn't kill her...
She would probably
enjoy it.
Mr. Everwright.
Now, let's be real.
He was a few clowns
short of a circus.
No way it was him.
Father grisham.
I'd actually confessed
to father grisham.
But it turned out
he was no saint himself.
And bill was getting
closer to the truth.
The noose
was starting to tighten.
But you said
he left the country.
Yeah, but maybe he didn't.
Policeman's ball.
Policeman's ball.
I got him boarding
a plane to jamaica,
Right, but he
never gets off.
What if he just wants us
to think he split, huh?
Policeman's ball.
So, you think
he's still in town?
Yeah, he could be.
I tracked him down
to a hotel
The day he supposedly
got out of dodge, right?
Seems he diddled a chick
in that room first.
Policeman's ball.
A motel?
No, hotel. 11:00 a.M.
Downtown marriott.
I didn't get a fix
on the girlfriend,
But nether was
definitely there.
Policeman's ball.
Oh, god, then he did me
later that afternoon.
Policeman's ball.
for the lady, please.
Still, the best part
of my theory?
I'll bite. Is what?
Nether always wore
his cell phone, right?
Never went anywhere
without it.
I'm not sure
I follow.
Well, see, if we
track down his cell phone,
We can send silent messages
for up to 96 hours, right?
You locate the frequency,
you locate the cell phone.
You locate the cell phone,
you locate nether.
Connect the cell phone
to wilder's,
You've got
yourself a case...
In theory, anyway.
Come on, sweet knees.
I had to dig up
mr. Ketchum's coffin
And find that cell phone
before bill did,
And I needed that cash
I'd hidden inside
To pay off my blackmailer.
And to think, management thought
you were smarter than me.
W-what are you do--?
Payback for stealing
my promotion.
( gasps )
You're my blackmailer!
What are you--?
I'm the one who started you off
on your little crime spree.
Oh, you...
Followed me here?
I told beeber
you were an easy lay.
But I'm not--
I said shut up!
I also clued in
miss wilder.
And morty, too?
Yeah, sure, I teed up
morty. Why not?
What I didn't count on
was that you would actually
start enjoying yourself.
( explosion )
No, no, but jejeune!
Jejeune-- jejeune was my idea.
Oh, please, you
stupid little bitch.
I'm the one who sent
the fax of you and wilder.
Not that jerk!
I even had johnny
blab to a few cops
That your mom
had a room to let.
Figuring what,
that a cop
Would pick up on--
on all those deaths...
At work.
Yeah, and zero in
on you.
That's good.
And you making nether
the fall guy?
I mean, that was just--
that was just a bonus.
Now instead of just revenge,
there was money to be had.
I would like
that money, sarah jane.
You're a bitch!
( thunder rumbles )
( panting )
( clatter )
( grunting )
Get me the money!
There! That blackmail note
on the window.
Did you like
my printing?
Remember when
your dad died
For beating up
your mom?
I do.
Your mom said
daddy boozehound
Had a head-on
with a cement truck,
But you said
you knew different.
You said it was
your guardian angel,
St. George, that he'd
come to save you.
Well, hon, where's
your guardian angel now? Huh?
( coughing )
( gasping )
Hey, sare!
Where's your saint now?
Hey, char!
( hissing )
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
( tolling )
( shutters clicking )
Yes, uh, we did recover
a cell phone
We believed to be
miss wilder's.
As it turns out,
it was another commuter's.
Had charmaine abatemarco
been having an affair
with nether?
Well, uh, we did trace them
to a certain motel,
So that seems to be
the case, yes.
And then, what, they
argued over her share
of the embezzled money?
That is a scenario
that we're pursuing,
That miss abatemarco
killed mr. Nether,
Hid him and the money
inside the coffin,
Returned later
to dig it up,
And either somehow slipped
or jumped from the belfry.
Uh, detective.
Uh, your name.
Is that with one "l"
or with two?
On the home front,
mom finally got around
To cleaning out
mr. Ketchum's belongings.
( gasps )
It turns out she was right
About mr. Ketchum having
a secret stash.
Her thrift shop days
were over.
Whoo! Whoo!
And in a surprising twist,
a change of management
Not precipitated
by my gentle touch,
Mr. Everwright
just plain old retired,
And the board rewarded
mr. Ormsby for years of--
Well, just for years.
And I inherited
Not only ormsby's
plum marketing job,
But also his
very cool corner office.
Are you taking
a smoke break out there?
Let's go.
Thank you.
You know, I'm not loving that.
Not loving it.
Let's try it back over
on the other side.
That's what you guys get for
slacking, you know what I mean?
Things were perfect.
That's good.
That's good.
You guys like the dog here?
But then...
I do.
Bill called.
You know, sarah jane,
I've been thinkin'.
Yeah, bill?
What about?
About that ring
you gave me.
I feel like I've, uh,
seen it somewhere before.
In the, uh, store window
next to this one.
( gasps ) oh!
( laughing )
Come here, kid.
St. George, patron saint
of chivalry
And major dragon slayer,
had come through for me again.
I was a successful executive,
And I had my knight
in shining armor,
But not without a price.
So, I tried to compensate
where I could,
Atone for my sins.
Oh, hey!
Hey hey hey hey!
Coffee's ready and, uh,
you have three calls.
Good morning,
by the way.
And, l.J., just water.
I decided to recommend
l.J. Feffer for a promotion
To give him the opportunity
I'd had,
But without
all the dirty deeds.
It was the least I could do
for st. George.
Dear mr. Ormsby...
My time
at judge pharmaceuticals
Has been the most rewarding
experience of my life.
This company has offered me
the unexpected opportunity
To work my way up
the corporate ladder.
On that note, I would like
to recommend a bright young man
For our new entry-level
executive position,
My assistant, l.J. Feffer.
Thank you.
I wanted to say that I think
you're doing a terrific job.
( chuckles )
Oh, the, uh--
You were out
of water bottles,
So... I just stole
One of ormsby's
from the kitchen.
Forward thinking.
I like that.
Though at first glance,
L.J. Might seem more
Hey, l.J.!
"expendable." does that have
an "a" in it, or an "I"?
Um... Hold on.
Just looking
it up.
"expendable. Used up
or consumed in service."
Uh, e-x-p-e-n-d-a-b-l-e.
Okay. Oh, oh, wait.
Hold on.
Wait a second.
What was that again?
That water that you got
from mr. Ormsby's water jug.
It didn't, by chance, have
an "x" marked on the top?
Would I do things differently,
knowing what I know now?
Would st. George
not have killed the dragon?
I'd never be a saint,
But we can't start over.
There is no past.
There is no future.
We only have now.
The rest, like mom
always said, is karma.
We get what we deserve.