Mission London (2010) Movie Script
Every time the patient feels he's losing control,
he has to think of the first number between one and hundred which comes...
into his head.
Then, after a short interval,
he has to name another number...
lower than the previous one.
What would you say, Mr. President?
People really like you. You cannot
ask for anything more than that.
That's exactly why I'm concerned.
Our potential seems to be obscured.
From here I could only go down.
I need an explanation... Tell me why
every time I try to do something
for this country, some crocks
have to screw things up?
They are always holding you back
when you try to do something useful.
These people are
complete crocks.
What do you think you are doing?
Can't you see I'm busy?
- I'm going to leave.
- You're busy with yourself as usual.
I'm not one for hanging
around in your shadow.
Because I'm fighting for eternal dignity.
Please stop with this circus.
Think of how much
I spent on Vienna.
Yes, but I had a dinner
with the Habsburg. Right?
You have no idea how
important these contacts are.
You can't buy prestige cheaply.
You just can't.
"We are hungry.
We are hungry."
Look what I have to bear with!
Human emotions are similar to earthquakes...
and can be rated on a scale between one and hundred...
depending on their intensity.
Every time the number becomes smaller,
and so on...until it gets down to zero.
At that moment in time the emotion is completely under control,
and the patient has restored his psychological equilibrium.
I want Varadin to go there.
He can do it.
Varadin has to go to London.
It was Thursday.
Like any other...
The duty-free shop in the embassy
was opened from 10 to 12am, as usual...
For trusted customers only.
Despite the negative stories,
it was just a form of mutual assistance
in the spirit of best
corporate traditions.
The turnover of the duty-free
shop came to ?2,545
for the first six months of the year.
This would be mainly by selling
rakia, beer and cigarettes
from the diplomatic quota which
was rather hard to acquire.
In the meantime, Sir Dee Garber -
chairman of the National Defense Commission,
had found some disturbing
figures in the budget.
This led to a further four-year delay
of strategic European project
for a combat jet,
named "Eurofighter".
The deficit amount was... ?2,545.
This money wasn't
so big of an issue,
but the bad tendency that could
lead to undesirable consequences.
Counsellor Mavrodiev have also found
some serious loopholes in the budget
of his business establishment.
Piss off.
You have debts to pay off first.
- Come on, I'll pay you tomorrow.
- I'm really tired of actors.
But unlike the chairman of NDA,
the Counsellor had a very
clear idea of where that
deficit came from.
This led to a further four-month delay
in the purchase
of new vacuum cleaner.
I'm begging you, just one pack? I'm
shooting an advertisement on Tuesday.
We are fellow Bulgarians.
We need to help each other.
Yes, we are.
But only after you pay.
How much?
- "How much?"
Wait a minute. I'm not a calculator.
Calm down.
While the Counsellor was trying to
reduce the commercial deficit,
the small and committed team at
the embassy was enjoying
the last moments of the sheer anarchy
in the last few months.
The squabbles between the employees
were almost absent.
An untypical spirit of friendliness and
unity could be felt among people.
Everyone had their piece of happiness.
They also had one common trait -
There was no boss.
Do you know what I heard about
the new Embassador?
Well... president's wife was
soliciting for his appointment here.
Next, please.
Five packs of cigarettes, a box of
rakia and four packs of beer.
Are you guys preparing
for a deluge to come?
Just in case if the new Embassador
decides to close the duty-free.
We've been waiting for him
for six months.
What's the problem
with the duty-free?
Five of everything!
Is this the so-called
"duty-free"?
I don't want to scare you, but
I think the new one is coming today.
We just received a telegram.
Hello?
OK, I'll wake her up now.
Katya?
Hey, Katya?
Wake up!
Katya?
The secretary is looking for you
urgently. The Embassador has
arrived so they need
you to clean the cabinet.
Can you take my shift?
You're hanging around all night and then
you want me to do your job?!
It's in your area.
Come on, get up.
Every time the patient feels he's losing control,
he has to think of the first number bewteen one and hundred...
what comes into his head.
Then, after a short interval,
he has to name another number...lower than the previous one.
And so on until it gets down to zero.
At that moment, the emotion is completely under control.
Oh, you scared me.
I'm here to clean up.
You don't look like cleaner.
I'm a student.
Just helping here.
I think that even a month wouldn't
be enough to clean up this...
warehouse.
I clean wherever they say.
There hasn't been anyone here
for six months and..., by the way,
while we use this banger,
it would never be clean.
Pardon?
The vacuum cleaner is rubbish.
It's like thousand years old.
Well,...
Katya.
Katya...
Why don't you write a report?
Describe the problem and I'll
give my best to solve it.
You can go.
I don't want you to clean during
working hours or while I'm absent.
Embassador Dimitrov.
You are already at work?
Well done.
You haven't forgotten
me, have you? - How could I.
I feel that someone in that embassy
is ruining my reputation on purpose.
What do I want so much?
It's not like I'm doing it
for myself.
What kind of people are these...
Look...
I have just arrived and...
You all say the same.
I hope you're different.
Listen to me, Varadin.
It's not so important
when you've arrived.
It's important when you leave.
Hey, Pasty!
Yeah, yeah...
Actor boy...
I brought the stock.
Stock has arrived.
Come on.
I have bad news.
I think they're going to
close down the Duty.
Leave it. Let them close it.
I don't care.
So from where are we going
to buy stock? - Don't worry.
I have something in mind.
However,...
I need a warehouse.
It's going to be a big hit.
What kind of warehouse?
If you are thinking about the
embassy, leave it.
You saw the new one.
He's nuts.
I don't think he's going to
rummage through the kitchen.
Who knows? He came without
warning. He's nuts, I'm telling you.
Hi, girls!
Late again? You owe me 20 pounds.
Piss off!
Is this what you call ???, Munroe?
She's the one!
Been searching for her for two months.
I do not know. She's... She's too dark!
Look at the jaw. Typical British mare.
This is for my bill.
This is the Duck.
The big boss.
Everything goes through him.
R U S S I A
Who's this?
This is Kosta.
He's our man.
He lives in the embassy.
If you're thinking something about the
embassy, you better find some other place.
Don't screw it, conhead.
I've guaranteed for you.
What's up?
Everything is fine.
Bye, girls!
Excuse me, young lady, can I speak with you for a moment?
Katie?
How do you know my name?
I asked for it at the club.
I always like to do a little research before.
But don't worry, I'm not a maniac or anything like that.
That's what they all say.
My intentions are purely professional. I'm a producer.
I have a role that you might like to play.
The long arm of the porn industry?
Nothing of the sort.
I'm producing an event...small but very well paid.
If you are interested you are quite welcome to come to the audition.
Just give me a call.
Good morning.
I'm glad you're on time.
Come on.
Good morning.
Am I late?
I'm sorry.
I'll clean it.
Leave it.
I have to announce
something unpleasant.
Sofia thinks that it's an
anarchy situation out here.
Your local self-government had
led to some unusual initiatives.
Mr. Mavrodiev, I'll ask you to
hand me over the inventory
of the so-called "duty-free".
We were thinking
about buying presents...
For the kids...
For Christmas.
That's alright...
But Christmas is far away.
The funds will be
allocated by me.
Moreover, the embassy is not
active enough in building
of the new image of Bulgaria.
We lack high-level contacts.
What's happening with
Mrs. Selianska's initiative?
We're working on the matter.
Then why it's been cancelled twice?
We're still unable to arrange
a royal family presence for it.
Pardon?
I've sent ten emails to
Buckingham Palace, but...
And what?
Well, look, I'm corresponding
with one very polite lady
but she obviously doesn't deliver
everything to the Queen.
You know, a typical secretary.
So we've been rejected.
Exactly. We have some
communication. We keep in touch...
Bunchev!
You're not allowed
to send any emails anymore.
From now on,
I'm dealing with that.
Okay.
As you know,
the European Conference is
about to open soon.
The President and members of
the parliament are going to attend it.
I'm warning you...
I'm not going to
tolerate any blunders.
The windows are not clean.
Financing of the European Union defense programs...
will be carefully monitored.
European Commission will require a progress report every six months...
Any progress with that matter?
With the Queen?
My wife has some pretty big
expectations for that reception.
Working on it.
We were a bit busy with
this conference.
But I have to warn you that
it's going to be pretty expensive.
You know my wife. When
she has something in mind...
Try to find whoever she wants.
Just to get her calm down.
Money is not a matter.
It can not pass, sorry.
Okay, but I'm from the Bulgarian Embassy. I've got the president's speech. I have to give it to him, please.
Then you get someone's coming bring it. Now, stand back, please. Thank you.
But, the battery in my cell phone is running out.
Please, would you go and get someone from the Bulgarian delegation?
No, I'm sorry. I'm busy.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Stand back, please, sir!
Excuse me.
Romania? Bulgaria.
This is our president's speech. Please, this is very important!
Give this to Mr. Mavrodiev from the Bulgarian delegation.
Okay. No problem. Mr. Mavrodiev?
Mavrodiev, Bulgarian Embassy delegation.
Thank you very much! Thank you...
Sir, what's your name?
Is my speech ready?
The speech?
- What?
The speech?
I'll check it out.
Where is it?
- I gave it.
Whom?
- One polite Romanian.
What Romanian?
Who is he?
- Well, from the Romanian...
- What is his name?
You don't know?!
Are you out of your mind?!
Ladies and Gentlemen, the president of the Republic of Bulgaria...
will address the conference in 10 minutes. Thank you.
He gave it to someone from
the Romanian embassy.
- What's that?
- The speech.
Some very polite man.
- Who did it?
- Punchev.
Twenty minutes ago.
Freaks.
They may bring it.
They may?! The President's
speech is in ten minutes.
Don't worry.
We'll find it.
We always do.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the president of the Republic of Bulgaria...
will address the conference in 5 minutes. Thank you.
Can I help you, sir? Are you looking for something?
I'm okay, thanks.
Oh. Your Excellency. Sorry.
Your Excellency. Dean Carver.
I believe I have something that belongs to you.
You wouldn't believe where I found it.
Thank you so much.
Perfect! Perfect!
??? Doesn't look like anything!
I saved the best for last!
The men will go wild.
My lady darling!
You're mad!
Foolish girl. You don't understand anything.
The men will go wild.
Perverted bastard!
Wear them yourself!
Wanker!
Bitch!
You're fired! I don't want to see your face ever again!
Do you think my speech
was well received?
Mr. President.
Your wife.
It's urgent.
I can't speak now.
No, no, no.
It wouldn't be a problem.
He's with me now.
I have to go.
Mrs. Selianska relies very much
on you, you should know that.
Mr. Carver!
Your Excellency!
Cheers!
There are no words which would express my gratitude.
Oh, please. Don't mention it!
You know. I've been wondering all day...
Who would've forgotten your president speech...
...in the toilet?
Hello? Mr. Munroe?
I don't know if you remember me. It's Katie from the Bailey's club.
Yes. You invited me to an audition.
Now?
At the Russell Hotel.
Yes. Okay. See you.
I spend more time here than I have at home.
Or in parliament with all those couch potatoes!
Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.
Come in!
Katya. Katya. Katya.
Pleasure to see you, my dear.
I'm sorry. I think it was a mistake to come.
No, no, no. Wait a moment.
Of course, you can go if you like.
But why not put yourself in the magical hands of Barry for just one hour...
and he will change you completely.
Barry is a makeup artist for the Royal Shakespeare Company.
This is the world of transformations.
We create illusions.
You came here an ordinary girl...
but you will leave here...
A princess!
Just close your eyes and let Barry work his magic.
Cheers, Your Excellency!
Here's to the success of your mission!
Last time I was in Bulgaria was in the 1970's.
Let me tell you a secret.
The old time was not so bad. You know.
Your old leaders might not have had much style...
but they had scale. Real barons!
And they took me hunting. Are you a hunting man?
To tell you the truth. I prefer golf.
You see, my dear. Golf might be a fashion.
but real, profound, lasting contexts are made only when we're hunting.
If you were to aim high...
go out hunting.
I think it just might work.
That's not me...
Perfect, Barry! Bravo!
Yes?
Excuse me, what type of documents do I need to get a visa for Bulgaria?
What kind of visa do you want
so late, you cunt!
Did it occur to you now?
You rule, Pasty.
The stock is over here.
Look, boys...
What if something bad happens?
I think I'm out of this.
It's too late, Pasty.
You're out of time.
It's working fine.
Take this, you fool.
I told you it'd be a big hit.
The Chinese will get them
for ?0 each.
Are they alive?
Well... I overdosed them
with diaseptyl.
They are falling like flies.
Just like flies.
Who was the one who came
up with the idea of diaseptyl, huh?
I remember this little guy with a huge rifle.
Kudinski.
Kubadinski.
Kubadinski. That's it.
Very intersting person.
He shot a wild boar and then they roasted it on a spit...
I recently had dinner with Prince Charles. So boring.
Do you know the royal family?
My PR agency handles all that for me.
I'm a Republican at heart.
However...
After the dinner, my ratings hit the roof.
What's the name of the agency?
Champagne, Your Highness?
Cavier, Your Highness?
No thanks.
Would Your Highness...
...remove your clothes?
Why don't you go and fuck yourselves, perverted bastards!
Bravo! That's exactly what a princess would do.
Pardon?
A princess does not take her clothes off at the drop of a hat.
You were born for this role. Welcome aboard Famous Connections.
You've just earned your first check, my darling.
I must have their card somewhere.
Let me help you.
You read them to me. I think I've forgotten my reading glasses.
Westing House?
No.
Goldman & Sachs?
Famous Connections?
Famous Connections?
Yeah, they are the chaps who...
...who can get you...
whoever you want.
Don't worry, sir. He's completely at home here. I'll look after him.
What? Come on.
Fuck that. What do you want
me to do now? To butcher them?
- This is on your part.
- No, I'm on duty.
Someone may come here
and we're fucked.
Okay, then... I'll do it.
Chavo, wait. It's not
so simple.
You go to the duty room.
If you see someone coming,
give us a yell.
- Stop looking them, man. Go on.
- Yeah, yeah.
I was just wondering is this that
pretty lady with the vacuum cleaner.
So I'm "the lady with
the vacuum cleaner"?
I'm sorry.
You disappeared, Katya?
You told me to go only
when you're not there.
Is that what I said?
Anyway... Where are you
heading to at this time?
I'm waiting for the bus.
Let's walk? It's not far,
I'll accompany you.
I thought you were
taking a taxi.
A little bit of fresh air
will be good for me.
Catch it!
Door!
Close the door!
One thing before I go. Can I see that contract?
Yeah, sure.
It turns out it's not
that close.
Distances in London are
very tricky.
What a strange day for me...
Started so terribly and then...
Everything got to normal.
My day also started miserably,
I'm now dining with the Embassador.
I'm sorry I'm not able to offer you
something better at this time.
I'm cool. There's nothing better
than a cheesecake at midnight.
By the way, it's great that
you closed down the duty-free.
Finally, a principal decision but
they are just not able to get over it.
Actually, what do you study?
At Laban Dancing Centre.
Contemporary ballet.
Excuse me.
I wouldn't...
Don't...
That's right.
So... you clean the embassy in
exchange for not paying a rent?
I wouldn't say it's that bad offer.
Nevertheless, I live in Kensington.
If you find a job as a dancer, you
would be able to live in Kensington.
This one is not bad.
Yes?
We've got a problem.
The Embassador is here.
We're completely fucked now.
Fucking idiot!
Well...
We'll see each other
at the reception on Friday.
Thank you for accompanying me.
What about the new
vacuum cleaner?
Yes, for that as well.
Yes?
It's clean.
Come on.
Not much left.
Come on, Pasty.
Stop fooling around.
How long should I wait?
The day almost broke.
What happened here?
It's time to go.
What exactly is your position?
I'm from the Royal Ornithological Institute.
We study the behavioral models of the ducks.
And when did you first notice that they've gone missing?
Yesterday. We immediately organized the systematic search, but they were nowhere to be seen.
You can't keep them restricted. They're free to roam where they like, but they usually stay within the confines of the park.
And since yesterday we can't even see them on the locator!
The locator?
Nine of the ducks have chips implanted in them.
Our radar can pick them up within the radius of...5 miles.
That's interesting.
Channel?
So this embassador
is very interesting.
Stop it.
I bought that.
I'm wondering... If you can
afford these things, why
are you still here?
You are taking the place of
someone who really needs it.
You're not even a student.
Don't worry. I will be
out of this hole soon.
Good evening.
The Macedonians in Bulgaria
should fight even more for
their rights -
democratic and human rights.
Pasty?
Thank you.
It's not like a cheesecake,
but still tasty.
The pasty is not bad.
As a matter of fact, don't you
think that pasty is one of
these things which are evidence
for the common origin of our nations?
I remember...how very sweet of you.
Excuse me.
Ulaf! Reserve Major Ulaf! From Her Majesty's armed forces!
I'm here in my capacity as president of the OSRAN charitable fund.
Mr. Punchev. He's a young hope of our diplomatic service.
He's an extremely responsible young man. He will take care for the matter.
And now, if you'll excuse me.
Nice to meet you.
"Galileo", a line you?
Bases three and four don't hang around there...
and starting surveillance...now.
This is completely ridiculous.
You won't believe the things they asked me to find.
You know, submarines, ships, crashed aircraft...but ducks!
I won't tolerate such ridicule!
Ducks are a key element of our biological diversity.
Did you know, for example, that ducks control the worm population of the planet?
Whiskey, sir?
Sir Dean Carver!
What a pleasant surprise!
What are you doing here?
His Excellency invited me personally and as far as I know...
you are the responsible for this interesting contact.
I don't know how it happened. I just invited him to the club!
And that is skinful.
Don't get me mixed up in all this.
Discretion! You can rely on me!
Mr. Carver, how pleased I am to see you again!
Your Excellency? I'm so pleased to meet you!
Robert Zibling. Famous Connections.
Mr. Zibling, at last!
I'm so pleased that you could grace our reception with your presence.
An explosion of worms. That's what we're going to expect?
Shut up and eat. You begin to give me nerve, Dale! I'm sick of you. Have some food.
Peking Duck. Terrific!
You have a fair superficial sense of humor, detective.
I was just wondering, Dale. What makes this duck any different from yours?
Why is no one looking for it? Or is it not part of the biological leak?
I can't take responsibility for all the ducks in the world.
But these, particularly, as we all very well know...
happen to be the property Her Majesty, the Queen!
Does that ever occur to you though...
...we are eating ducks.
Ducks are eating worms and worms are eating us.
Is that part of the biological equilibrium?
There are no impossible things. We have contacts in all spheres.
Just tell mw the name.
Her Majesty.
Her Majesty?
Now that's an interesting choice.
We frequently work with the palace.
Tell me precisely how do you imagine it? Where, for example?
Here.
Here?
Yes. We're organizing a reception with the performers.
A collage of the greatest moments in Bulgarian history.
Something like a parade of the ancient leaders.
Yes, I can imagine it. Yes.
And with Her Majesty?
How marvellously sublime!
Mr. Carver warned me about your fees.
I'm sure we should come to some arrangement.
Sandwiches.
I'm afraid these sandwiches rather prove that you've got a long way to go to catch up with the rest of Europe, Your Excellency.
I'm not a snob, but as far as sandwiches are concerned...
there are certain sacred standards for this country.
Long live the revolution!
Revolution ... over!
It's me, Kate.
Don't make me cry, baby.
Hey, Your Majesty! Isn't it the big ??? for gin?
Piss off!
Mr. Embassador, as you requested,
I made a small research.
I accidentally found a website
and examined some of the stuff.
- Banicharov.
- Please?
Well done.
Get rid of that gin!
I think we met at rather a strange place.
I have to admit. I was surprised to see you there.
A personal question. What exactly do you do at the Bulgarian Embassy?
Well. Actually, I live there.
And sometimes help when there's a reception.
Do you know the ambassador?
Is he a client of yours?
How would you react, if I were to ask you to move to another flat?
Why? Is there a problem?
For the moment, no.
Okay.
Get rid of that gin!
Boys!
I think I found them!
What's up, Racho?
Open it.
Why, Racho?
It's empty.
Open it.
Why don't we have
some rakia, huh?
Stop fooling me.
Open it.
Empty, huh?
Where did these come from?
- From the market.
- The market, huh?
Give me a knife.
I will.
Kensington? Are you sure?
The signal is loud and clear, sir.
What's going on here?
Where did these come from?
Banicharov?
- He's in a deep trouble.
- Where did you get them from?
Some friends left them in the freezer
just for a couple of days.
Just a good deal.
How could I know about the
microphones in their assholes?!
I told you not to deal with
that scum Chavo.
I know.
What are we doing now?
They'll send us back in Sofia.
Racho, please think of something.
We have to get
rid of them right now.
Let's break them, huh?
Get out of here with this thing.
Give me some bread.
- What?
- Bread.
I will.
They're on the move, sir.
Which direction?
Hyde Park, sir.
They must be alive!
Come on. Here.
Eat it.
This is not a chicken, Banicharov.
Come on, let's go.
Calm down.
Like the old times.
Just watch now.
We got another one, sir.
Stop! Stop!
What do you think you are doing? I am the director of the park! Stop immediately!
Stop! Stop immediately!
Who's in charge of this operation?
Detective Koluey.
We're investigating some ducks that have gone missing from Richmond Park.
Ducks from Richmond Park?
Do they turn into swans?
We found another chip, sir.
Sir, do you want me to arrest this swan?
Arrest? I'll arrest you!
Police have so far been unable to find...
more than fifty ducks which have mysteriously disappeared from Richmond Park.
According to a well-informed source...
...today's scandalous incident in Hyde Park has led the investigation into a new...
...very exotic direction. There are grounds to believe that the ducks from Richmond Park...
...have been brutally eaten by the swans from Hyde Park.
If this theory is confirmed, we will be witnesses...
...to an extreme form of bird cannibalism.
Monsters with beaks may soon be taking....
No, bitch!
Hello? Mr. Embassador.
You've a meeting with Mr. Tomas
Murrow from Famous Connections.
I admit I did not expect
to respond so quickly.
I am impressed by your expediency.
Her Majesty's agenda must be ???
Don't you worry about that. That's our concern.
Let's talk about your fantasy.
Pardon?
This parade of rulers. How did you imagine the role of Her Majesty?
Her presence will be quite sufficient.
Her Majesty will put the event in a completely different context.
Exactly. I like your...intellectual approach.
To be precise, this initiative is a branch out of the wife of our president.
I see. The First Lady! Wow!
She has experience with such events.
She's already done such things in Vienna, Stockholm, Toronto...
...but London is London, isn't it after all?
My dear friend, you have come very far.
Too far, I might say...but no...
I hope the event will receive extensive coverage.
What extensive coverage?
You know, if there is no news, there is no event.
I understand.
Do you have anymore sugar?
You escaped to London,
but we've found you.
Azis Nikolayevich must disappear!
What's up?
- The Duck has been killed.
- What?
They killed him.
Just round the corner.
Just few moments ago.
So what about the ducks?
Leave the ducks. This is the
Russian mafia.
Do you know that we found
tracking transmitters in the ducks?
Fuck.
It must be KGB then.
Pasty...
We must get rid of these ducks.
Now way. I got through
so much. We can't do that.
What happened with the Chinese?
The Duck was dealing with it.
Anyway...
I know some Serbians.
- Our men.
- Serbians?
Are they going to make
pljeskavica of them?
Power to the people!
Get rid of the gin!
Yeah, come in!
So how did it go?
Rather strange.
You know ???, Tomas, I've never met someone like him before.
That man's walking a knife edge. Can you imagine?
He's prepared to risk money from the state budget.
At first I thought he was aroused by the symbols and attributes of power.
Then he kept going on about extensive press coverage and I have realized...
...what was going on.
He's convinced we're going to give him the real Queen Elizabeth.
My God!
Now I know why he was talking in such a strange way.
They are really damaged over there. They got no taboos left after the collapse of the Berlin Wall.
Where did he get such a stupid fucking idea from?
From that fucking idiot Carver! Carver's got drunk. God knows what rubbish he's told him.
Fucking Carver!
In my opinion, the media
is the most important thing.
The icon exhibition in Madrid
went through all the newspapers.
Such a furor.
Now we're about to
do the same in Japan.
What happened with your idea?
You were preparing something in
London, weren't you?
I heard that even the
Queen is going to attend it.
We're working on it.
Excuse me, please.
Just between us, she's
been rejected.
That's terrible.
Yes?
Liar.
What do you think?
You're untouchable now?
When are you going to stop
playing games with me?
You're worthless like the others.
How dumb I was to believe you.
Divorina, calm down.
We've got positive answer. - What?
I have hired a PR agency
with highest level contacts.
She will come?
When?
We're now arranging the date
but it's not going to be cheap.
Screw that.
It can be as
expensive as it has to be.
Excuse me.
Can I have a strawberry sourve?
Thank you.
I think that...
I'll have to go to London soon.
Well done.
- Great.
Now when you look at things, what's the difference?
Why can't we just do it?
After all, our clients wishes all our command.
That's a fucking orgasm if there was one.
Tomas, do you realize how many countries there are around the world...
...and all their stupid ridiculous politicians all suffering from the same complexes?
It's a goldmine!
Isn't it a bit risky?
Who are they going to complain to? It all in their interests to complain.
But they want extensive media coverage.
Her Majesty hates cheap publicity.
This will be an informal engagement, personal, intimate contact.
Boss, I'm getting the harder.
And of course, much more expensive.
Only the most select public will be present. The cream of the elite.
We'll choose them from the heraldic code.
Abso-fucking-lutely!
Hey, Ivan!
Why are you dangling that
pike, for fuck's sake?!
You're ancient Bulgarian warriors.
You've just cut Nikifor's head off.
Again.
Keep up the pike, Ivan!
What the hell are you doing?
Stop!
Our Patron, Mrs. Selianska
is here to see us.
I'm here to inform you...
We're going to London.
Everything is arranged.
You're going to dance in front
of an audience you've only dreamed of.
What? She'll come?
Yes.
- It's confirmed.
- Great.
By the way, I'm holding talks with
a potential presenter. Know who?
Who? - Chavdar Tulumanov.
The Bulgarian De Niro.
He's in London, as you know.
He's a big celebrity.
Is he going to accept?
Well, Chavo is a star, but
we used to live together.
Not to mention that the
Queen will attend it.
It's absolutely sure.
But this isn't everything.
It is going to be
spectacular this time.
I've introduced some
new elements.
World-class scenography.
No lifestyle decoration at all.
Just fire. Real explosion!
By the way... Let me
introduce you to our artist. Kalki.
He's also known as
"dancing with the fire".
Kalkin. Designer.
Designer.
Fire designer.
I'm more popular abroad.
This is my last installation.
"Ibiza by night."
Just imagine it. Ibiza island...
Prometey, blasting fire from his heart,
to proclaim the beginning of a new era.
The era of the flaming Aquarius.
A true fairy-scene of
fire and water.
Ragrade One.
Fire World magazine.
- Really interesting.
- You'll see.
We'll show damn
England how we do it.
Well done.
Again!
You're not taking this?
Take it, if it suits you.
Have you seen a folder here?
- What are you doing
at work exactly? - PR.
- So you got someone, huh?
- Maybe.
English?
Are you sure you haven't
seen any folder here?
What folder?
I'm not going through your stuff.
I must have left it
in the agency.
You want me to tell the
Embassador something, huh?
Bye!
Thank you for helping me with my bags.
That's no problem. I didn't know you live in Kensington.
Why are you moving?
Because it's a dump.
And I'm a princess.
I don't need your rubbish.
The Hunter and the Princess
Screenplay by Thomas Munroe
They are the same chips. There is no doubt, inspector.
So what the hell are they doing inside the swans in Hyde Park?
Quite clearly they've eaten them.
Monsters with beaks? Don't you start talking rubbish.
I mean they've eaten the chips. Not the ducks with the chips inside them.
Bastards, how are they doing?
They've got the technical competence. What I don't understand is the logic behind their actions.
Maybe some kind of demonstration.
The Animal Liberation Front.
Well, there's one chip we haven't found yet.
More likely they haven't found it. It might have even stopped working.
I'm not really sure that
Serbians like ducks, but...
We need to bag the money.
I don't care about the rest.
To be honest, Chinese
were the best option.
Well...
Even though I know one
Serbian who eats ducks.
It's Dragan, isn't he?
- You've been there too?
If it was pork,
it'd have been better.
What are we going to do with ducks?
They cannot be used for pljeskavica.
It doesn't work.
Ducks are not in our mentalitet.
Fuck.
You always screw up. Monkey!
Stay cool.
Rest in peace, Duck.
Good day.
I'm sorry, Mr. Embassador.
I'm almost finished.
Sorry but it was a big mess here.
Isn't this your colleague's area?
You want only her in charge
for your cabinet?
Yes, I do...
I do want to be clean.
Because she's not living here
anymore. She moved out.
How come she moved out?
She wasn't supposed to be here.
Why?
- Well, she quit university last year.
She shouldnt have been allowed
to work here, but
the secretary decided to leave her.
Look, I'm not interested in gossips.
Well, I'm just warning you.
Katya's doing something
very suspicious...
I think it's porn movies.
Have a look.
The boxes have arrived.
- What boxes?
Major Ullaf's boxes,
from Humanitarian Affairs.
Seventy seven boxes
have just arrived.
What is in them?
- I don't know.
- Then who knows?
I don't know.
I'll check them now.
I'm done.
"Hunter and Princess.
Script: Tomas Munroe.
Would you like to play a little game, princess?
Everytime I hit a clay pigeon...
...you will remove an ??? clothing.
Such a hot afternoon...
...and you are so well dressed.
I would really like my brave hunter...
but I cannot.
The convoy has just arrived at the refugee camp...
and I have to give them instructions.
One paparazzi, two paparazzi,
three paparazzi, four paparazzi!
There will be failures
my first wedding night!
Habibi, I'm afraid, the Queen will not accept our marriage.
Not again!
We've already done it seven times!
They take you away from this horrible world!
It will persue us until our death.
Last!
I want to kill some more paparazzi, please!
I am completely exhausted!
It's not easy being a princess.
All the stupid fucking things they made me do.
The fucking idiot Munroe has gone too far this time!
Only someone with a sick mind could make fun of Diana like that.
Well, yeah. Why you do it for then?
You don't think that cleaning offices is anymore nicer.
At least I get paid well.
And you think you're gonna make a fortune out of this miserable business?
What do you suggest then? Robbing a bank?
I mean you are an intelligent girl. That's something I can suggest which can resolve all of our problems.
I'm talking about real money here, sister.
You're going to be playing decorating Christmas tree anytime soon.
Just take me home.
Human emotions are similar to earthquakes...
and can be rated between one and hundred...
depending on their intensity.
Everytime the number becomes smaller...
and so on until it gets down to zero.
Hello, Famous Connections, please wait.
What do you think you
are doing, Banicharov?
What?
We've again got duck
for dinner today.
We'll eat it. We've got to use
them for something.
That's nonsense.
It's an expensive food.
We shouldn't waste it like that.
You must sell it.
- Chavo is dealing with this.
- Get rid of this scum!
Hey, Nory...
How about giving
me a Big Ben?
I can't.
I have a headache.
How do you see this thing?
New costumes, special effects,
pyrotechnics...
Your show has cost me
almost as half of my campaign!
Excuse me? I want to remind
you that my reception
is to be honored by her majesty
the Queen of Britain.
It's a once in your life event.
Perhaps I'd better come
with you in London, huh?
You've nothing to do there!
It is my initiative.
Fucking wankers! What's so ???
It's fucking ridiculous. This is one role I've already played in real life.
You're doing quite good with
the vacuum cleaner, your Majesty.
You must have been successful
in dancing round a pylon
as well, I guess.
It seems that...
Playing the student role...
Isn't your best performance.
Oh, so...
It looks like Mr. Embassador
hired a princess.
- I'm not a client.
- Really?
It must be one of your
professional responsibilities.
Look, love...
It's not about your pretty bum.
Then what is it about?
Don't pretend to be stupid.
Someone is trying to scam me.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Let's stick to the script.
You're part of it.
Is that what you think?
Need gin with two ice cubes and lemon.
It's on me.
Very kind, handsome.
I'm a bit old to flirt with.
Wait a second, I'm damn too old to flirt with.
Where are you taking me? What're you doing? Please!
The Romanian National Day is coming up soon.
Any idea how we might get an invitation to their reception?
Well, you're going to fuck me up for this?
Who is this man? What happened?
Calm down, Helen! Calm down!
Your Excellency, you don't seem to be yourself tonight.
No, I'm not! You have lied to me! You are a fraud!
Tomas, would you mind taking the lady away. She has nothing to do with this.
Get her ??? immediately!
I think you could do with a nice glass of whiskey.
I insist that you return my money immediately!
Your Excellency, I don't know what you're talking about. You wanted a queen and you've got a queen.
I wanted the real queen.
But that's absurd.
I did assume for one moment that you would expect us to provide you with the real Queen Elizabeth.
Your Excellency, please calm down.
Take a seat. Relax, please. Calm yourself.
I thought you understood the nature of our business.
Famous Connections supplies look-alike models.
I thought you knew that. It was you who came to us if you recall.
I feel sure that you're going to like the show.
There won't be any show!
Are you terminating our agreement at the last moment after you've made such significant investments?
I'm not going to pay for this masquerade!
Whatever you decide, you will have to pay the contractual penalty.
Courage, Your Excellency. Have courage.
Nothing is being lost.
Think of your career. The concert is due to take place in a couple of weeks time.
How do you expect the Queen of England to be there?
The first lady will be so angry if the event is a failure.
Particularly once you've realized who is responsible for the failure.
Now, we are just facilitators.
But we can help you...
help yourself out of this predicament.
Through fraud?
The solution.
The only possible solution for someone in your situation.
You are the devil incarnate.
A little more whiskey?
And gin for me.
What's up with the press?
Why there's no one here?
This was a special requirement
from the palace.
We can't risk with that.
- Not even a column in an article?
No. Otherwise, our
agreement will be terminated.
Her Majesty is trying to
avoid cheap publicity.
I hate cheap publicity too.
I hate it.
- I know.
- I'm very nervous.
- I want everything to be perfect.
- I know.
- Even the slightest detail.
- I know.
People always miss something.
Oh, of course!
- Menu?
- I don't know.
You don't know...
Fuck.
Banicharov speaking.
Who're you?
Oh, yes.
Yes.
I'm coming.
Sandwiches?!
You're going to serve
her Majesty sandwiches?!
This is an absurd, Varadin!
Why? This country
has some sacred
standards regarding sandwiches.
Come in.
You wanted to discuss
the menu with me.
Fish, maybe.
At the Dutch Queen's
reception they served
sea-cat's tail with
orange sauce.
And a starter of oysters.
What does the Queen like?
Did anyone bother to find out
what the Queen likes? Huh?
Maybe just some traditional
Bulgarian dish.
Like carp dish.
- Carp dish?
Don't make me laugh,...
What was your name?
Banicharov.
Banicharov!
These people are aristocrats.
What about game?
The Queen likes hunting.
So it makes sense.
She must love game.
Ducks!
Wild ducks.
With blueberry sauce, fruits
and seed onions.
I'll make it incredible!
These ducks are not kosher.
So you won't take them?
No, I will, but for a different price.
How much?
But I have to admit that
they aren't really cheap.
They're a bit expensive.
You see...
Everything is possible.
What you need is
enthusiasm and professionalism.
... And some money.
Yeah. And some money.
It's a present from me to the entire Jewish population.
I told you that it's not kosher.
Stop!
Hey, cous.
You bastard. You're alive!
Long time no see, huh?
I'm glad you made it.
I know that you're busy.
But I knew you wouldn't miss it.
What do you think
about the role?
Well, a "role" is too strong
word but... Take it as a favor.
How are you doing? Working?
What are you up to at the moment?
I'm just relaxing.
I stay at home. My agent is
bringing some scripts to me to read.
You're a boss, huh?
You see? Huh?
Who's the fool now? Huh?
They'll get them for ?0 each.
You've finally made
something properly.
But I'll tell Chavo I sold
them for ?0... No, ?5...
You ain't telling him nothing.
The freezer was out of order,
ducks are gone. That's it.
That's good!
How did you enter in here?
Hello, Pasty.
- Hey, Chavo.
I have some great news.
Delicious gherkins.
Delicious!
Come with me.
I'll make you an offer.
We have work to do, Kostadin.
I sold the ducks, man.
Um, no.
So... some Jews got them.
?0 each.
That's fine but...
Something bad happened.
What happened?
They're fucked.
The freezer was
out of order and...
- How come it was out of order?!
- Well... I don't know.
I'll go. Nory is waiting for me.
What are these things?
Calm down, man.
The situation is under control.
These are the effects
for the show. And you are?
Who gave you permission to
start a fire in the embassy?
Did you say "fire", man?
This is fire design.
Fire blasters!
Skydivers.
Do you know what
Mrs. Selianska said?
Everything multiplied by two.
Because... You shouldn't be
frugal of arts, man.
Punchev!
Let's check the fire alarm.
Kate, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to dismiss you.
I warned you to steer clear of those people.
All right, I'm gonna give you new roles to learn.
Any problems I have, are problems for you too.
Baron Mitovski...
Baron and Baroness Remulod...
Countess Fernandez...
Life is fucking tough, babe.
Your Majesty, ladies and gentlemen...
I'm going to hell. What is this world coming to...
Wanking on a scale like this.
This evening you will the unique possibility...
of Bulgarian genius.
??? buy yourself this one thing but when an entire country gets up to it.
Good god!
Our job is to fulfill our clients' wishes, not to comment on them.
Now, we have to be professional about this!
Ladies...Gentlemen...
We are on the eve...
of a rather unique, super production.
We've never done anything like this before!
Your Majesty!
Our clients are expecting maximum authenticity from us!
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Her Majesty Elizabeth II.
And we shall give it to them!
I told you. We are professionals.
Will decorate tree and Christmas ???
My princess! Come up!
Your Majesty.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
It's a huge honor for me to welcome you...
We weren't allowed to enter
even as spectators.
They're ashamed of us.
We're only useful for
hanging coats.
This evening, you will have the unique possibility...
to see the eternal values of Bulgarian genius.
Come on. Faster.
You're slow.
...That we all
belong to one and the same...
cultural motherland...
called...
Europe.
Madame Selyanska,
your noble cause has brought tears to my eyes.
Translate.
This event is a valuable contribution...
to the environmental balance of our continent.
This event is a valuable contribution to
the political balance of our continent.
Brown bears are our friends.
Consequently the friends of brown bears are our friends as well.
The friends are our friends, hence friends of our friends...
Snobs.
Let's go to eat.
Okay.
My dear, you have a very fine chef.
Thank you.
The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh are due to visit several more township here...
Wait a minute!
She's here, isn't she?
Fuck. What's happening here?!
They're using
look-alike models.
Like Yeltsin, Brezhnev,
Saddam Hussein...
What did you think?
English are not fools.
It's called national security.
The signal is exactly the same as the others. It's absolutely no doubt that's chip number nine.
Why is it just started working now?
No idea.
Could be the result of some physical action,
thermal treatment, wind magnetic field...could be anything.
Where are they? Where are my ducks?
It's only one chip, which I will locate it now.
So they sent us a look-alike?
Nah...
They must be crazy to send
the real one to these monkeys.
We're the same.
Come on, fellas.
Dinner time!
Come on!
Come on...
Come on, my lady!
Come on, my princess!
My precious!
Very similar to your style.
Oh, the Call of the Wild?
This is a ritual dance of genetics.
Very impressive.
We're reducing the ??? radius, master.
We've got them this time, haven't we?
You're not gonna make a fool out ot me a second time.
Now we have to take off your pants.
Not part of the script.
I'll give the earring.
No!
Diamonds are all girls' best friend.
No. No, my darling!
This is a tribal battle.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I'm just a humble monk from the holy mount of Athos.
My name is Paisius.
I wrote this story to recall the great Bulgarian past.
Let it be known that we also had great emperors and patriots.
I'll give you a necklace...
Don't move! Don't move! Moral Police!
This is just a game! Pure theater!
Pervert!
Everybody who try to defy the border of the new state...
is severely punished!
Krum Scary
drinks from the skull of Emperor Nikephoros.
You filthy Byzantine bastard!
Why did you break our agreement? Why?
Now you're going to experience the wrath of my anger!
What took you so long? Were you watching us?
Easy, sister! Yeah, look, we are rich now.
What are you doing? Untie me!
That's just...look at that.
Bang! Took it. Everything we took.
You know what that makes us? That makes us new Bonnie and Clyde, babe.
That's what we are!
Kensington, sir! You're visiting the Bulgarian Embassy.
Shit! That cretin must have called the police.
Easy, easy, easy, I've got this. I've got...act calm!
Go! Go!
I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
Are we going in?
It's foreign territory. You cannot just walk in there.
The freezer was
out of order, huh?
Disgraceful rat!
You scruffy Bulgarian!
Bulgarians are what
I hate most in the world.
Do you hear me?
I hate them too.
I need a gin!
What on Earth's going on there?
Fucking hell.
Your Majesty!
Here they are!
I think it should be free.
Sorry, Desmond, I was there.
What are you talking about?
Kate, do not be ...
Come on, Kate!
Behaving as a coward!
If you want to spend your life
in the gutter, going, not my ass!
So much hard work...
Everything was for nothing.
You wanted to invite the media.
I'll apologize to Her.
I'll write a formal letter.
So what are you going to write?
Sorry...
Your Majesty about
not burning you.
Don't talk like that, Varadin.
I hope no information
gets leaked.
Journalists always
smell scandals.
Varadin?
What does this mean?
With the assistance of number therapy,
negative emotions can be overcomed and neutralized.
Nothing will upset your equlibrium anymore.
The door to chaos is closed.
The Queen in Africa?
Absurd!
They gave them some scarecrow.
Tato used look-alike models too.
The one in the hat. That's your duck, Dale.
Barbarians!
Arrest her immediately!
Very good, sir.
In a world dominated by politics, the truth will never triumph.
She's the wife of the Bulgarian president.
Operation is terminated.
Vikil is a complete crock.
He'll never be able to
find any sponsors again.
Vikil...
What about the pyroman?
Who brought them here?
Let's go.
One!
We can attack the world!
Varadin stopped
listening to Selianska.
She was just an annoying
echo of her time.
In few years she would be
ONE YEAR LATER
gone and forgotten.
In big cities, the probability of
meeting someone who you
want to see
usually equals to one
divided by the population.
But even if you happen to be
at the same place at the same time,
the probability of not seeing
each other is at least 99%.
But even if you see each other,
there's no guarantee
that something
will come out of it.
TWO YEARS LATER
Imitation. Nickel and zirconium.
No. That's quite a collection. That's not counterfeit.
A grand and a half.
Nonsense! Not for a grand and a half. Forget it.
That's a lot of money. Got people in Africa living for one dollar a day.
All right. Done deal. Take it. Have it. Go.
THREE YEARS LATER
Tomas, this is what I call high level.
Bulgarian.
he has to think of the first number between one and hundred which comes...
into his head.
Then, after a short interval,
he has to name another number...
lower than the previous one.
What would you say, Mr. President?
People really like you. You cannot
ask for anything more than that.
That's exactly why I'm concerned.
Our potential seems to be obscured.
From here I could only go down.
I need an explanation... Tell me why
every time I try to do something
for this country, some crocks
have to screw things up?
They are always holding you back
when you try to do something useful.
These people are
complete crocks.
What do you think you are doing?
Can't you see I'm busy?
- I'm going to leave.
- You're busy with yourself as usual.
I'm not one for hanging
around in your shadow.
Because I'm fighting for eternal dignity.
Please stop with this circus.
Think of how much
I spent on Vienna.
Yes, but I had a dinner
with the Habsburg. Right?
You have no idea how
important these contacts are.
You can't buy prestige cheaply.
You just can't.
"We are hungry.
We are hungry."
Look what I have to bear with!
Human emotions are similar to earthquakes...
and can be rated on a scale between one and hundred...
depending on their intensity.
Every time the number becomes smaller,
and so on...until it gets down to zero.
At that moment in time the emotion is completely under control,
and the patient has restored his psychological equilibrium.
I want Varadin to go there.
He can do it.
Varadin has to go to London.
It was Thursday.
Like any other...
The duty-free shop in the embassy
was opened from 10 to 12am, as usual...
For trusted customers only.
Despite the negative stories,
it was just a form of mutual assistance
in the spirit of best
corporate traditions.
The turnover of the duty-free
shop came to ?2,545
for the first six months of the year.
This would be mainly by selling
rakia, beer and cigarettes
from the diplomatic quota which
was rather hard to acquire.
In the meantime, Sir Dee Garber -
chairman of the National Defense Commission,
had found some disturbing
figures in the budget.
This led to a further four-year delay
of strategic European project
for a combat jet,
named "Eurofighter".
The deficit amount was... ?2,545.
This money wasn't
so big of an issue,
but the bad tendency that could
lead to undesirable consequences.
Counsellor Mavrodiev have also found
some serious loopholes in the budget
of his business establishment.
Piss off.
You have debts to pay off first.
- Come on, I'll pay you tomorrow.
- I'm really tired of actors.
But unlike the chairman of NDA,
the Counsellor had a very
clear idea of where that
deficit came from.
This led to a further four-month delay
in the purchase
of new vacuum cleaner.
I'm begging you, just one pack? I'm
shooting an advertisement on Tuesday.
We are fellow Bulgarians.
We need to help each other.
Yes, we are.
But only after you pay.
How much?
- "How much?"
Wait a minute. I'm not a calculator.
Calm down.
While the Counsellor was trying to
reduce the commercial deficit,
the small and committed team at
the embassy was enjoying
the last moments of the sheer anarchy
in the last few months.
The squabbles between the employees
were almost absent.
An untypical spirit of friendliness and
unity could be felt among people.
Everyone had their piece of happiness.
They also had one common trait -
There was no boss.
Do you know what I heard about
the new Embassador?
Well... president's wife was
soliciting for his appointment here.
Next, please.
Five packs of cigarettes, a box of
rakia and four packs of beer.
Are you guys preparing
for a deluge to come?
Just in case if the new Embassador
decides to close the duty-free.
We've been waiting for him
for six months.
What's the problem
with the duty-free?
Five of everything!
Is this the so-called
"duty-free"?
I don't want to scare you, but
I think the new one is coming today.
We just received a telegram.
Hello?
OK, I'll wake her up now.
Katya?
Hey, Katya?
Wake up!
Katya?
The secretary is looking for you
urgently. The Embassador has
arrived so they need
you to clean the cabinet.
Can you take my shift?
You're hanging around all night and then
you want me to do your job?!
It's in your area.
Come on, get up.
Every time the patient feels he's losing control,
he has to think of the first number bewteen one and hundred...
what comes into his head.
Then, after a short interval,
he has to name another number...lower than the previous one.
And so on until it gets down to zero.
At that moment, the emotion is completely under control.
Oh, you scared me.
I'm here to clean up.
You don't look like cleaner.
I'm a student.
Just helping here.
I think that even a month wouldn't
be enough to clean up this...
warehouse.
I clean wherever they say.
There hasn't been anyone here
for six months and..., by the way,
while we use this banger,
it would never be clean.
Pardon?
The vacuum cleaner is rubbish.
It's like thousand years old.
Well,...
Katya.
Katya...
Why don't you write a report?
Describe the problem and I'll
give my best to solve it.
You can go.
I don't want you to clean during
working hours or while I'm absent.
Embassador Dimitrov.
You are already at work?
Well done.
You haven't forgotten
me, have you? - How could I.
I feel that someone in that embassy
is ruining my reputation on purpose.
What do I want so much?
It's not like I'm doing it
for myself.
What kind of people are these...
Look...
I have just arrived and...
You all say the same.
I hope you're different.
Listen to me, Varadin.
It's not so important
when you've arrived.
It's important when you leave.
Hey, Pasty!
Yeah, yeah...
Actor boy...
I brought the stock.
Stock has arrived.
Come on.
I have bad news.
I think they're going to
close down the Duty.
Leave it. Let them close it.
I don't care.
So from where are we going
to buy stock? - Don't worry.
I have something in mind.
However,...
I need a warehouse.
It's going to be a big hit.
What kind of warehouse?
If you are thinking about the
embassy, leave it.
You saw the new one.
He's nuts.
I don't think he's going to
rummage through the kitchen.
Who knows? He came without
warning. He's nuts, I'm telling you.
Hi, girls!
Late again? You owe me 20 pounds.
Piss off!
Is this what you call ???, Munroe?
She's the one!
Been searching for her for two months.
I do not know. She's... She's too dark!
Look at the jaw. Typical British mare.
This is for my bill.
This is the Duck.
The big boss.
Everything goes through him.
R U S S I A
Who's this?
This is Kosta.
He's our man.
He lives in the embassy.
If you're thinking something about the
embassy, you better find some other place.
Don't screw it, conhead.
I've guaranteed for you.
What's up?
Everything is fine.
Bye, girls!
Excuse me, young lady, can I speak with you for a moment?
Katie?
How do you know my name?
I asked for it at the club.
I always like to do a little research before.
But don't worry, I'm not a maniac or anything like that.
That's what they all say.
My intentions are purely professional. I'm a producer.
I have a role that you might like to play.
The long arm of the porn industry?
Nothing of the sort.
I'm producing an event...small but very well paid.
If you are interested you are quite welcome to come to the audition.
Just give me a call.
Good morning.
I'm glad you're on time.
Come on.
Good morning.
Am I late?
I'm sorry.
I'll clean it.
Leave it.
I have to announce
something unpleasant.
Sofia thinks that it's an
anarchy situation out here.
Your local self-government had
led to some unusual initiatives.
Mr. Mavrodiev, I'll ask you to
hand me over the inventory
of the so-called "duty-free".
We were thinking
about buying presents...
For the kids...
For Christmas.
That's alright...
But Christmas is far away.
The funds will be
allocated by me.
Moreover, the embassy is not
active enough in building
of the new image of Bulgaria.
We lack high-level contacts.
What's happening with
Mrs. Selianska's initiative?
We're working on the matter.
Then why it's been cancelled twice?
We're still unable to arrange
a royal family presence for it.
Pardon?
I've sent ten emails to
Buckingham Palace, but...
And what?
Well, look, I'm corresponding
with one very polite lady
but she obviously doesn't deliver
everything to the Queen.
You know, a typical secretary.
So we've been rejected.
Exactly. We have some
communication. We keep in touch...
Bunchev!
You're not allowed
to send any emails anymore.
From now on,
I'm dealing with that.
Okay.
As you know,
the European Conference is
about to open soon.
The President and members of
the parliament are going to attend it.
I'm warning you...
I'm not going to
tolerate any blunders.
The windows are not clean.
Financing of the European Union defense programs...
will be carefully monitored.
European Commission will require a progress report every six months...
Any progress with that matter?
With the Queen?
My wife has some pretty big
expectations for that reception.
Working on it.
We were a bit busy with
this conference.
But I have to warn you that
it's going to be pretty expensive.
You know my wife. When
she has something in mind...
Try to find whoever she wants.
Just to get her calm down.
Money is not a matter.
It can not pass, sorry.
Okay, but I'm from the Bulgarian Embassy. I've got the president's speech. I have to give it to him, please.
Then you get someone's coming bring it. Now, stand back, please. Thank you.
But, the battery in my cell phone is running out.
Please, would you go and get someone from the Bulgarian delegation?
No, I'm sorry. I'm busy.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Stand back, please, sir!
Excuse me.
Romania? Bulgaria.
This is our president's speech. Please, this is very important!
Give this to Mr. Mavrodiev from the Bulgarian delegation.
Okay. No problem. Mr. Mavrodiev?
Mavrodiev, Bulgarian Embassy delegation.
Thank you very much! Thank you...
Sir, what's your name?
Is my speech ready?
The speech?
- What?
The speech?
I'll check it out.
Where is it?
- I gave it.
Whom?
- One polite Romanian.
What Romanian?
Who is he?
- Well, from the Romanian...
- What is his name?
You don't know?!
Are you out of your mind?!
Ladies and Gentlemen, the president of the Republic of Bulgaria...
will address the conference in 10 minutes. Thank you.
He gave it to someone from
the Romanian embassy.
- What's that?
- The speech.
Some very polite man.
- Who did it?
- Punchev.
Twenty minutes ago.
Freaks.
They may bring it.
They may?! The President's
speech is in ten minutes.
Don't worry.
We'll find it.
We always do.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the president of the Republic of Bulgaria...
will address the conference in 5 minutes. Thank you.
Can I help you, sir? Are you looking for something?
I'm okay, thanks.
Oh. Your Excellency. Sorry.
Your Excellency. Dean Carver.
I believe I have something that belongs to you.
You wouldn't believe where I found it.
Thank you so much.
Perfect! Perfect!
??? Doesn't look like anything!
I saved the best for last!
The men will go wild.
My lady darling!
You're mad!
Foolish girl. You don't understand anything.
The men will go wild.
Perverted bastard!
Wear them yourself!
Wanker!
Bitch!
You're fired! I don't want to see your face ever again!
Do you think my speech
was well received?
Mr. President.
Your wife.
It's urgent.
I can't speak now.
No, no, no.
It wouldn't be a problem.
He's with me now.
I have to go.
Mrs. Selianska relies very much
on you, you should know that.
Mr. Carver!
Your Excellency!
Cheers!
There are no words which would express my gratitude.
Oh, please. Don't mention it!
You know. I've been wondering all day...
Who would've forgotten your president speech...
...in the toilet?
Hello? Mr. Munroe?
I don't know if you remember me. It's Katie from the Bailey's club.
Yes. You invited me to an audition.
Now?
At the Russell Hotel.
Yes. Okay. See you.
I spend more time here than I have at home.
Or in parliament with all those couch potatoes!
Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.
Come in!
Katya. Katya. Katya.
Pleasure to see you, my dear.
I'm sorry. I think it was a mistake to come.
No, no, no. Wait a moment.
Of course, you can go if you like.
But why not put yourself in the magical hands of Barry for just one hour...
and he will change you completely.
Barry is a makeup artist for the Royal Shakespeare Company.
This is the world of transformations.
We create illusions.
You came here an ordinary girl...
but you will leave here...
A princess!
Just close your eyes and let Barry work his magic.
Cheers, Your Excellency!
Here's to the success of your mission!
Last time I was in Bulgaria was in the 1970's.
Let me tell you a secret.
The old time was not so bad. You know.
Your old leaders might not have had much style...
but they had scale. Real barons!
And they took me hunting. Are you a hunting man?
To tell you the truth. I prefer golf.
You see, my dear. Golf might be a fashion.
but real, profound, lasting contexts are made only when we're hunting.
If you were to aim high...
go out hunting.
I think it just might work.
That's not me...
Perfect, Barry! Bravo!
Yes?
Excuse me, what type of documents do I need to get a visa for Bulgaria?
What kind of visa do you want
so late, you cunt!
Did it occur to you now?
You rule, Pasty.
The stock is over here.
Look, boys...
What if something bad happens?
I think I'm out of this.
It's too late, Pasty.
You're out of time.
It's working fine.
Take this, you fool.
I told you it'd be a big hit.
The Chinese will get them
for ?0 each.
Are they alive?
Well... I overdosed them
with diaseptyl.
They are falling like flies.
Just like flies.
Who was the one who came
up with the idea of diaseptyl, huh?
I remember this little guy with a huge rifle.
Kudinski.
Kubadinski.
Kubadinski. That's it.
Very intersting person.
He shot a wild boar and then they roasted it on a spit...
I recently had dinner with Prince Charles. So boring.
Do you know the royal family?
My PR agency handles all that for me.
I'm a Republican at heart.
However...
After the dinner, my ratings hit the roof.
What's the name of the agency?
Champagne, Your Highness?
Cavier, Your Highness?
No thanks.
Would Your Highness...
...remove your clothes?
Why don't you go and fuck yourselves, perverted bastards!
Bravo! That's exactly what a princess would do.
Pardon?
A princess does not take her clothes off at the drop of a hat.
You were born for this role. Welcome aboard Famous Connections.
You've just earned your first check, my darling.
I must have their card somewhere.
Let me help you.
You read them to me. I think I've forgotten my reading glasses.
Westing House?
No.
Goldman & Sachs?
Famous Connections?
Famous Connections?
Yeah, they are the chaps who...
...who can get you...
whoever you want.
Don't worry, sir. He's completely at home here. I'll look after him.
What? Come on.
Fuck that. What do you want
me to do now? To butcher them?
- This is on your part.
- No, I'm on duty.
Someone may come here
and we're fucked.
Okay, then... I'll do it.
Chavo, wait. It's not
so simple.
You go to the duty room.
If you see someone coming,
give us a yell.
- Stop looking them, man. Go on.
- Yeah, yeah.
I was just wondering is this that
pretty lady with the vacuum cleaner.
So I'm "the lady with
the vacuum cleaner"?
I'm sorry.
You disappeared, Katya?
You told me to go only
when you're not there.
Is that what I said?
Anyway... Where are you
heading to at this time?
I'm waiting for the bus.
Let's walk? It's not far,
I'll accompany you.
I thought you were
taking a taxi.
A little bit of fresh air
will be good for me.
Catch it!
Door!
Close the door!
One thing before I go. Can I see that contract?
Yeah, sure.
It turns out it's not
that close.
Distances in London are
very tricky.
What a strange day for me...
Started so terribly and then...
Everything got to normal.
My day also started miserably,
I'm now dining with the Embassador.
I'm sorry I'm not able to offer you
something better at this time.
I'm cool. There's nothing better
than a cheesecake at midnight.
By the way, it's great that
you closed down the duty-free.
Finally, a principal decision but
they are just not able to get over it.
Actually, what do you study?
At Laban Dancing Centre.
Contemporary ballet.
Excuse me.
I wouldn't...
Don't...
That's right.
So... you clean the embassy in
exchange for not paying a rent?
I wouldn't say it's that bad offer.
Nevertheless, I live in Kensington.
If you find a job as a dancer, you
would be able to live in Kensington.
This one is not bad.
Yes?
We've got a problem.
The Embassador is here.
We're completely fucked now.
Fucking idiot!
Well...
We'll see each other
at the reception on Friday.
Thank you for accompanying me.
What about the new
vacuum cleaner?
Yes, for that as well.
Yes?
It's clean.
Come on.
Not much left.
Come on, Pasty.
Stop fooling around.
How long should I wait?
The day almost broke.
What happened here?
It's time to go.
What exactly is your position?
I'm from the Royal Ornithological Institute.
We study the behavioral models of the ducks.
And when did you first notice that they've gone missing?
Yesterday. We immediately organized the systematic search, but they were nowhere to be seen.
You can't keep them restricted. They're free to roam where they like, but they usually stay within the confines of the park.
And since yesterday we can't even see them on the locator!
The locator?
Nine of the ducks have chips implanted in them.
Our radar can pick them up within the radius of...5 miles.
That's interesting.
Channel?
So this embassador
is very interesting.
Stop it.
I bought that.
I'm wondering... If you can
afford these things, why
are you still here?
You are taking the place of
someone who really needs it.
You're not even a student.
Don't worry. I will be
out of this hole soon.
Good evening.
The Macedonians in Bulgaria
should fight even more for
their rights -
democratic and human rights.
Pasty?
Thank you.
It's not like a cheesecake,
but still tasty.
The pasty is not bad.
As a matter of fact, don't you
think that pasty is one of
these things which are evidence
for the common origin of our nations?
I remember...how very sweet of you.
Excuse me.
Ulaf! Reserve Major Ulaf! From Her Majesty's armed forces!
I'm here in my capacity as president of the OSRAN charitable fund.
Mr. Punchev. He's a young hope of our diplomatic service.
He's an extremely responsible young man. He will take care for the matter.
And now, if you'll excuse me.
Nice to meet you.
"Galileo", a line you?
Bases three and four don't hang around there...
and starting surveillance...now.
This is completely ridiculous.
You won't believe the things they asked me to find.
You know, submarines, ships, crashed aircraft...but ducks!
I won't tolerate such ridicule!
Ducks are a key element of our biological diversity.
Did you know, for example, that ducks control the worm population of the planet?
Whiskey, sir?
Sir Dean Carver!
What a pleasant surprise!
What are you doing here?
His Excellency invited me personally and as far as I know...
you are the responsible for this interesting contact.
I don't know how it happened. I just invited him to the club!
And that is skinful.
Don't get me mixed up in all this.
Discretion! You can rely on me!
Mr. Carver, how pleased I am to see you again!
Your Excellency? I'm so pleased to meet you!
Robert Zibling. Famous Connections.
Mr. Zibling, at last!
I'm so pleased that you could grace our reception with your presence.
An explosion of worms. That's what we're going to expect?
Shut up and eat. You begin to give me nerve, Dale! I'm sick of you. Have some food.
Peking Duck. Terrific!
You have a fair superficial sense of humor, detective.
I was just wondering, Dale. What makes this duck any different from yours?
Why is no one looking for it? Or is it not part of the biological leak?
I can't take responsibility for all the ducks in the world.
But these, particularly, as we all very well know...
happen to be the property Her Majesty, the Queen!
Does that ever occur to you though...
...we are eating ducks.
Ducks are eating worms and worms are eating us.
Is that part of the biological equilibrium?
There are no impossible things. We have contacts in all spheres.
Just tell mw the name.
Her Majesty.
Her Majesty?
Now that's an interesting choice.
We frequently work with the palace.
Tell me precisely how do you imagine it? Where, for example?
Here.
Here?
Yes. We're organizing a reception with the performers.
A collage of the greatest moments in Bulgarian history.
Something like a parade of the ancient leaders.
Yes, I can imagine it. Yes.
And with Her Majesty?
How marvellously sublime!
Mr. Carver warned me about your fees.
I'm sure we should come to some arrangement.
Sandwiches.
I'm afraid these sandwiches rather prove that you've got a long way to go to catch up with the rest of Europe, Your Excellency.
I'm not a snob, but as far as sandwiches are concerned...
there are certain sacred standards for this country.
Long live the revolution!
Revolution ... over!
It's me, Kate.
Don't make me cry, baby.
Hey, Your Majesty! Isn't it the big ??? for gin?
Piss off!
Mr. Embassador, as you requested,
I made a small research.
I accidentally found a website
and examined some of the stuff.
- Banicharov.
- Please?
Well done.
Get rid of that gin!
I think we met at rather a strange place.
I have to admit. I was surprised to see you there.
A personal question. What exactly do you do at the Bulgarian Embassy?
Well. Actually, I live there.
And sometimes help when there's a reception.
Do you know the ambassador?
Is he a client of yours?
How would you react, if I were to ask you to move to another flat?
Why? Is there a problem?
For the moment, no.
Okay.
Get rid of that gin!
Boys!
I think I found them!
What's up, Racho?
Open it.
Why, Racho?
It's empty.
Open it.
Why don't we have
some rakia, huh?
Stop fooling me.
Open it.
Empty, huh?
Where did these come from?
- From the market.
- The market, huh?
Give me a knife.
I will.
Kensington? Are you sure?
The signal is loud and clear, sir.
What's going on here?
Where did these come from?
Banicharov?
- He's in a deep trouble.
- Where did you get them from?
Some friends left them in the freezer
just for a couple of days.
Just a good deal.
How could I know about the
microphones in their assholes?!
I told you not to deal with
that scum Chavo.
I know.
What are we doing now?
They'll send us back in Sofia.
Racho, please think of something.
We have to get
rid of them right now.
Let's break them, huh?
Get out of here with this thing.
Give me some bread.
- What?
- Bread.
I will.
They're on the move, sir.
Which direction?
Hyde Park, sir.
They must be alive!
Come on. Here.
Eat it.
This is not a chicken, Banicharov.
Come on, let's go.
Calm down.
Like the old times.
Just watch now.
We got another one, sir.
Stop! Stop!
What do you think you are doing? I am the director of the park! Stop immediately!
Stop! Stop immediately!
Who's in charge of this operation?
Detective Koluey.
We're investigating some ducks that have gone missing from Richmond Park.
Ducks from Richmond Park?
Do they turn into swans?
We found another chip, sir.
Sir, do you want me to arrest this swan?
Arrest? I'll arrest you!
Police have so far been unable to find...
more than fifty ducks which have mysteriously disappeared from Richmond Park.
According to a well-informed source...
...today's scandalous incident in Hyde Park has led the investigation into a new...
...very exotic direction. There are grounds to believe that the ducks from Richmond Park...
...have been brutally eaten by the swans from Hyde Park.
If this theory is confirmed, we will be witnesses...
...to an extreme form of bird cannibalism.
Monsters with beaks may soon be taking....
No, bitch!
Hello? Mr. Embassador.
You've a meeting with Mr. Tomas
Murrow from Famous Connections.
I admit I did not expect
to respond so quickly.
I am impressed by your expediency.
Her Majesty's agenda must be ???
Don't you worry about that. That's our concern.
Let's talk about your fantasy.
Pardon?
This parade of rulers. How did you imagine the role of Her Majesty?
Her presence will be quite sufficient.
Her Majesty will put the event in a completely different context.
Exactly. I like your...intellectual approach.
To be precise, this initiative is a branch out of the wife of our president.
I see. The First Lady! Wow!
She has experience with such events.
She's already done such things in Vienna, Stockholm, Toronto...
...but London is London, isn't it after all?
My dear friend, you have come very far.
Too far, I might say...but no...
I hope the event will receive extensive coverage.
What extensive coverage?
You know, if there is no news, there is no event.
I understand.
Do you have anymore sugar?
You escaped to London,
but we've found you.
Azis Nikolayevich must disappear!
What's up?
- The Duck has been killed.
- What?
They killed him.
Just round the corner.
Just few moments ago.
So what about the ducks?
Leave the ducks. This is the
Russian mafia.
Do you know that we found
tracking transmitters in the ducks?
Fuck.
It must be KGB then.
Pasty...
We must get rid of these ducks.
Now way. I got through
so much. We can't do that.
What happened with the Chinese?
The Duck was dealing with it.
Anyway...
I know some Serbians.
- Our men.
- Serbians?
Are they going to make
pljeskavica of them?
Power to the people!
Get rid of the gin!
Yeah, come in!
So how did it go?
Rather strange.
You know ???, Tomas, I've never met someone like him before.
That man's walking a knife edge. Can you imagine?
He's prepared to risk money from the state budget.
At first I thought he was aroused by the symbols and attributes of power.
Then he kept going on about extensive press coverage and I have realized...
...what was going on.
He's convinced we're going to give him the real Queen Elizabeth.
My God!
Now I know why he was talking in such a strange way.
They are really damaged over there. They got no taboos left after the collapse of the Berlin Wall.
Where did he get such a stupid fucking idea from?
From that fucking idiot Carver! Carver's got drunk. God knows what rubbish he's told him.
Fucking Carver!
In my opinion, the media
is the most important thing.
The icon exhibition in Madrid
went through all the newspapers.
Such a furor.
Now we're about to
do the same in Japan.
What happened with your idea?
You were preparing something in
London, weren't you?
I heard that even the
Queen is going to attend it.
We're working on it.
Excuse me, please.
Just between us, she's
been rejected.
That's terrible.
Yes?
Liar.
What do you think?
You're untouchable now?
When are you going to stop
playing games with me?
You're worthless like the others.
How dumb I was to believe you.
Divorina, calm down.
We've got positive answer. - What?
I have hired a PR agency
with highest level contacts.
She will come?
When?
We're now arranging the date
but it's not going to be cheap.
Screw that.
It can be as
expensive as it has to be.
Excuse me.
Can I have a strawberry sourve?
Thank you.
I think that...
I'll have to go to London soon.
Well done.
- Great.
Now when you look at things, what's the difference?
Why can't we just do it?
After all, our clients wishes all our command.
That's a fucking orgasm if there was one.
Tomas, do you realize how many countries there are around the world...
...and all their stupid ridiculous politicians all suffering from the same complexes?
It's a goldmine!
Isn't it a bit risky?
Who are they going to complain to? It all in their interests to complain.
But they want extensive media coverage.
Her Majesty hates cheap publicity.
This will be an informal engagement, personal, intimate contact.
Boss, I'm getting the harder.
And of course, much more expensive.
Only the most select public will be present. The cream of the elite.
We'll choose them from the heraldic code.
Abso-fucking-lutely!
Hey, Ivan!
Why are you dangling that
pike, for fuck's sake?!
You're ancient Bulgarian warriors.
You've just cut Nikifor's head off.
Again.
Keep up the pike, Ivan!
What the hell are you doing?
Stop!
Our Patron, Mrs. Selianska
is here to see us.
I'm here to inform you...
We're going to London.
Everything is arranged.
You're going to dance in front
of an audience you've only dreamed of.
What? She'll come?
Yes.
- It's confirmed.
- Great.
By the way, I'm holding talks with
a potential presenter. Know who?
Who? - Chavdar Tulumanov.
The Bulgarian De Niro.
He's in London, as you know.
He's a big celebrity.
Is he going to accept?
Well, Chavo is a star, but
we used to live together.
Not to mention that the
Queen will attend it.
It's absolutely sure.
But this isn't everything.
It is going to be
spectacular this time.
I've introduced some
new elements.
World-class scenography.
No lifestyle decoration at all.
Just fire. Real explosion!
By the way... Let me
introduce you to our artist. Kalki.
He's also known as
"dancing with the fire".
Kalkin. Designer.
Designer.
Fire designer.
I'm more popular abroad.
This is my last installation.
"Ibiza by night."
Just imagine it. Ibiza island...
Prometey, blasting fire from his heart,
to proclaim the beginning of a new era.
The era of the flaming Aquarius.
A true fairy-scene of
fire and water.
Ragrade One.
Fire World magazine.
- Really interesting.
- You'll see.
We'll show damn
England how we do it.
Well done.
Again!
You're not taking this?
Take it, if it suits you.
Have you seen a folder here?
- What are you doing
at work exactly? - PR.
- So you got someone, huh?
- Maybe.
English?
Are you sure you haven't
seen any folder here?
What folder?
I'm not going through your stuff.
I must have left it
in the agency.
You want me to tell the
Embassador something, huh?
Bye!
Thank you for helping me with my bags.
That's no problem. I didn't know you live in Kensington.
Why are you moving?
Because it's a dump.
And I'm a princess.
I don't need your rubbish.
The Hunter and the Princess
Screenplay by Thomas Munroe
They are the same chips. There is no doubt, inspector.
So what the hell are they doing inside the swans in Hyde Park?
Quite clearly they've eaten them.
Monsters with beaks? Don't you start talking rubbish.
I mean they've eaten the chips. Not the ducks with the chips inside them.
Bastards, how are they doing?
They've got the technical competence. What I don't understand is the logic behind their actions.
Maybe some kind of demonstration.
The Animal Liberation Front.
Well, there's one chip we haven't found yet.
More likely they haven't found it. It might have even stopped working.
I'm not really sure that
Serbians like ducks, but...
We need to bag the money.
I don't care about the rest.
To be honest, Chinese
were the best option.
Well...
Even though I know one
Serbian who eats ducks.
It's Dragan, isn't he?
- You've been there too?
If it was pork,
it'd have been better.
What are we going to do with ducks?
They cannot be used for pljeskavica.
It doesn't work.
Ducks are not in our mentalitet.
Fuck.
You always screw up. Monkey!
Stay cool.
Rest in peace, Duck.
Good day.
I'm sorry, Mr. Embassador.
I'm almost finished.
Sorry but it was a big mess here.
Isn't this your colleague's area?
You want only her in charge
for your cabinet?
Yes, I do...
I do want to be clean.
Because she's not living here
anymore. She moved out.
How come she moved out?
She wasn't supposed to be here.
Why?
- Well, she quit university last year.
She shouldnt have been allowed
to work here, but
the secretary decided to leave her.
Look, I'm not interested in gossips.
Well, I'm just warning you.
Katya's doing something
very suspicious...
I think it's porn movies.
Have a look.
The boxes have arrived.
- What boxes?
Major Ullaf's boxes,
from Humanitarian Affairs.
Seventy seven boxes
have just arrived.
What is in them?
- I don't know.
- Then who knows?
I don't know.
I'll check them now.
I'm done.
"Hunter and Princess.
Script: Tomas Munroe.
Would you like to play a little game, princess?
Everytime I hit a clay pigeon...
...you will remove an ??? clothing.
Such a hot afternoon...
...and you are so well dressed.
I would really like my brave hunter...
but I cannot.
The convoy has just arrived at the refugee camp...
and I have to give them instructions.
One paparazzi, two paparazzi,
three paparazzi, four paparazzi!
There will be failures
my first wedding night!
Habibi, I'm afraid, the Queen will not accept our marriage.
Not again!
We've already done it seven times!
They take you away from this horrible world!
It will persue us until our death.
Last!
I want to kill some more paparazzi, please!
I am completely exhausted!
It's not easy being a princess.
All the stupid fucking things they made me do.
The fucking idiot Munroe has gone too far this time!
Only someone with a sick mind could make fun of Diana like that.
Well, yeah. Why you do it for then?
You don't think that cleaning offices is anymore nicer.
At least I get paid well.
And you think you're gonna make a fortune out of this miserable business?
What do you suggest then? Robbing a bank?
I mean you are an intelligent girl. That's something I can suggest which can resolve all of our problems.
I'm talking about real money here, sister.
You're going to be playing decorating Christmas tree anytime soon.
Just take me home.
Human emotions are similar to earthquakes...
and can be rated between one and hundred...
depending on their intensity.
Everytime the number becomes smaller...
and so on until it gets down to zero.
Hello, Famous Connections, please wait.
What do you think you
are doing, Banicharov?
What?
We've again got duck
for dinner today.
We'll eat it. We've got to use
them for something.
That's nonsense.
It's an expensive food.
We shouldn't waste it like that.
You must sell it.
- Chavo is dealing with this.
- Get rid of this scum!
Hey, Nory...
How about giving
me a Big Ben?
I can't.
I have a headache.
How do you see this thing?
New costumes, special effects,
pyrotechnics...
Your show has cost me
almost as half of my campaign!
Excuse me? I want to remind
you that my reception
is to be honored by her majesty
the Queen of Britain.
It's a once in your life event.
Perhaps I'd better come
with you in London, huh?
You've nothing to do there!
It is my initiative.
Fucking wankers! What's so ???
It's fucking ridiculous. This is one role I've already played in real life.
You're doing quite good with
the vacuum cleaner, your Majesty.
You must have been successful
in dancing round a pylon
as well, I guess.
It seems that...
Playing the student role...
Isn't your best performance.
Oh, so...
It looks like Mr. Embassador
hired a princess.
- I'm not a client.
- Really?
It must be one of your
professional responsibilities.
Look, love...
It's not about your pretty bum.
Then what is it about?
Don't pretend to be stupid.
Someone is trying to scam me.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Let's stick to the script.
You're part of it.
Is that what you think?
Need gin with two ice cubes and lemon.
It's on me.
Very kind, handsome.
I'm a bit old to flirt with.
Wait a second, I'm damn too old to flirt with.
Where are you taking me? What're you doing? Please!
The Romanian National Day is coming up soon.
Any idea how we might get an invitation to their reception?
Well, you're going to fuck me up for this?
Who is this man? What happened?
Calm down, Helen! Calm down!
Your Excellency, you don't seem to be yourself tonight.
No, I'm not! You have lied to me! You are a fraud!
Tomas, would you mind taking the lady away. She has nothing to do with this.
Get her ??? immediately!
I think you could do with a nice glass of whiskey.
I insist that you return my money immediately!
Your Excellency, I don't know what you're talking about. You wanted a queen and you've got a queen.
I wanted the real queen.
But that's absurd.
I did assume for one moment that you would expect us to provide you with the real Queen Elizabeth.
Your Excellency, please calm down.
Take a seat. Relax, please. Calm yourself.
I thought you understood the nature of our business.
Famous Connections supplies look-alike models.
I thought you knew that. It was you who came to us if you recall.
I feel sure that you're going to like the show.
There won't be any show!
Are you terminating our agreement at the last moment after you've made such significant investments?
I'm not going to pay for this masquerade!
Whatever you decide, you will have to pay the contractual penalty.
Courage, Your Excellency. Have courage.
Nothing is being lost.
Think of your career. The concert is due to take place in a couple of weeks time.
How do you expect the Queen of England to be there?
The first lady will be so angry if the event is a failure.
Particularly once you've realized who is responsible for the failure.
Now, we are just facilitators.
But we can help you...
help yourself out of this predicament.
Through fraud?
The solution.
The only possible solution for someone in your situation.
You are the devil incarnate.
A little more whiskey?
And gin for me.
What's up with the press?
Why there's no one here?
This was a special requirement
from the palace.
We can't risk with that.
- Not even a column in an article?
No. Otherwise, our
agreement will be terminated.
Her Majesty is trying to
avoid cheap publicity.
I hate cheap publicity too.
I hate it.
- I know.
- I'm very nervous.
- I want everything to be perfect.
- I know.
- Even the slightest detail.
- I know.
People always miss something.
Oh, of course!
- Menu?
- I don't know.
You don't know...
Fuck.
Banicharov speaking.
Who're you?
Oh, yes.
Yes.
I'm coming.
Sandwiches?!
You're going to serve
her Majesty sandwiches?!
This is an absurd, Varadin!
Why? This country
has some sacred
standards regarding sandwiches.
Come in.
You wanted to discuss
the menu with me.
Fish, maybe.
At the Dutch Queen's
reception they served
sea-cat's tail with
orange sauce.
And a starter of oysters.
What does the Queen like?
Did anyone bother to find out
what the Queen likes? Huh?
Maybe just some traditional
Bulgarian dish.
Like carp dish.
- Carp dish?
Don't make me laugh,...
What was your name?
Banicharov.
Banicharov!
These people are aristocrats.
What about game?
The Queen likes hunting.
So it makes sense.
She must love game.
Ducks!
Wild ducks.
With blueberry sauce, fruits
and seed onions.
I'll make it incredible!
These ducks are not kosher.
So you won't take them?
No, I will, but for a different price.
How much?
But I have to admit that
they aren't really cheap.
They're a bit expensive.
You see...
Everything is possible.
What you need is
enthusiasm and professionalism.
... And some money.
Yeah. And some money.
It's a present from me to the entire Jewish population.
I told you that it's not kosher.
Stop!
Hey, cous.
You bastard. You're alive!
Long time no see, huh?
I'm glad you made it.
I know that you're busy.
But I knew you wouldn't miss it.
What do you think
about the role?
Well, a "role" is too strong
word but... Take it as a favor.
How are you doing? Working?
What are you up to at the moment?
I'm just relaxing.
I stay at home. My agent is
bringing some scripts to me to read.
You're a boss, huh?
You see? Huh?
Who's the fool now? Huh?
They'll get them for ?0 each.
You've finally made
something properly.
But I'll tell Chavo I sold
them for ?0... No, ?5...
You ain't telling him nothing.
The freezer was out of order,
ducks are gone. That's it.
That's good!
How did you enter in here?
Hello, Pasty.
- Hey, Chavo.
I have some great news.
Delicious gherkins.
Delicious!
Come with me.
I'll make you an offer.
We have work to do, Kostadin.
I sold the ducks, man.
Um, no.
So... some Jews got them.
?0 each.
That's fine but...
Something bad happened.
What happened?
They're fucked.
The freezer was
out of order and...
- How come it was out of order?!
- Well... I don't know.
I'll go. Nory is waiting for me.
What are these things?
Calm down, man.
The situation is under control.
These are the effects
for the show. And you are?
Who gave you permission to
start a fire in the embassy?
Did you say "fire", man?
This is fire design.
Fire blasters!
Skydivers.
Do you know what
Mrs. Selianska said?
Everything multiplied by two.
Because... You shouldn't be
frugal of arts, man.
Punchev!
Let's check the fire alarm.
Kate, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to dismiss you.
I warned you to steer clear of those people.
All right, I'm gonna give you new roles to learn.
Any problems I have, are problems for you too.
Baron Mitovski...
Baron and Baroness Remulod...
Countess Fernandez...
Life is fucking tough, babe.
Your Majesty, ladies and gentlemen...
I'm going to hell. What is this world coming to...
Wanking on a scale like this.
This evening you will the unique possibility...
of Bulgarian genius.
??? buy yourself this one thing but when an entire country gets up to it.
Good god!
Our job is to fulfill our clients' wishes, not to comment on them.
Now, we have to be professional about this!
Ladies...Gentlemen...
We are on the eve...
of a rather unique, super production.
We've never done anything like this before!
Your Majesty!
Our clients are expecting maximum authenticity from us!
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Her Majesty Elizabeth II.
And we shall give it to them!
I told you. We are professionals.
Will decorate tree and Christmas ???
My princess! Come up!
Your Majesty.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
It's a huge honor for me to welcome you...
We weren't allowed to enter
even as spectators.
They're ashamed of us.
We're only useful for
hanging coats.
This evening, you will have the unique possibility...
to see the eternal values of Bulgarian genius.
Come on. Faster.
You're slow.
...That we all
belong to one and the same...
cultural motherland...
called...
Europe.
Madame Selyanska,
your noble cause has brought tears to my eyes.
Translate.
This event is a valuable contribution...
to the environmental balance of our continent.
This event is a valuable contribution to
the political balance of our continent.
Brown bears are our friends.
Consequently the friends of brown bears are our friends as well.
The friends are our friends, hence friends of our friends...
Snobs.
Let's go to eat.
Okay.
My dear, you have a very fine chef.
Thank you.
The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh are due to visit several more township here...
Wait a minute!
She's here, isn't she?
Fuck. What's happening here?!
They're using
look-alike models.
Like Yeltsin, Brezhnev,
Saddam Hussein...
What did you think?
English are not fools.
It's called national security.
The signal is exactly the same as the others. It's absolutely no doubt that's chip number nine.
Why is it just started working now?
No idea.
Could be the result of some physical action,
thermal treatment, wind magnetic field...could be anything.
Where are they? Where are my ducks?
It's only one chip, which I will locate it now.
So they sent us a look-alike?
Nah...
They must be crazy to send
the real one to these monkeys.
We're the same.
Come on, fellas.
Dinner time!
Come on!
Come on...
Come on, my lady!
Come on, my princess!
My precious!
Very similar to your style.
Oh, the Call of the Wild?
This is a ritual dance of genetics.
Very impressive.
We're reducing the ??? radius, master.
We've got them this time, haven't we?
You're not gonna make a fool out ot me a second time.
Now we have to take off your pants.
Not part of the script.
I'll give the earring.
No!
Diamonds are all girls' best friend.
No. No, my darling!
This is a tribal battle.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I'm just a humble monk from the holy mount of Athos.
My name is Paisius.
I wrote this story to recall the great Bulgarian past.
Let it be known that we also had great emperors and patriots.
I'll give you a necklace...
Don't move! Don't move! Moral Police!
This is just a game! Pure theater!
Pervert!
Everybody who try to defy the border of the new state...
is severely punished!
Krum Scary
drinks from the skull of Emperor Nikephoros.
You filthy Byzantine bastard!
Why did you break our agreement? Why?
Now you're going to experience the wrath of my anger!
What took you so long? Were you watching us?
Easy, sister! Yeah, look, we are rich now.
What are you doing? Untie me!
That's just...look at that.
Bang! Took it. Everything we took.
You know what that makes us? That makes us new Bonnie and Clyde, babe.
That's what we are!
Kensington, sir! You're visiting the Bulgarian Embassy.
Shit! That cretin must have called the police.
Easy, easy, easy, I've got this. I've got...act calm!
Go! Go!
I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
Are we going in?
It's foreign territory. You cannot just walk in there.
The freezer was
out of order, huh?
Disgraceful rat!
You scruffy Bulgarian!
Bulgarians are what
I hate most in the world.
Do you hear me?
I hate them too.
I need a gin!
What on Earth's going on there?
Fucking hell.
Your Majesty!
Here they are!
I think it should be free.
Sorry, Desmond, I was there.
What are you talking about?
Kate, do not be ...
Come on, Kate!
Behaving as a coward!
If you want to spend your life
in the gutter, going, not my ass!
So much hard work...
Everything was for nothing.
You wanted to invite the media.
I'll apologize to Her.
I'll write a formal letter.
So what are you going to write?
Sorry...
Your Majesty about
not burning you.
Don't talk like that, Varadin.
I hope no information
gets leaked.
Journalists always
smell scandals.
Varadin?
What does this mean?
With the assistance of number therapy,
negative emotions can be overcomed and neutralized.
Nothing will upset your equlibrium anymore.
The door to chaos is closed.
The Queen in Africa?
Absurd!
They gave them some scarecrow.
Tato used look-alike models too.
The one in the hat. That's your duck, Dale.
Barbarians!
Arrest her immediately!
Very good, sir.
In a world dominated by politics, the truth will never triumph.
She's the wife of the Bulgarian president.
Operation is terminated.
Vikil is a complete crock.
He'll never be able to
find any sponsors again.
Vikil...
What about the pyroman?
Who brought them here?
Let's go.
One!
We can attack the world!
Varadin stopped
listening to Selianska.
She was just an annoying
echo of her time.
In few years she would be
ONE YEAR LATER
gone and forgotten.
In big cities, the probability of
meeting someone who you
want to see
usually equals to one
divided by the population.
But even if you happen to be
at the same place at the same time,
the probability of not seeing
each other is at least 99%.
But even if you see each other,
there's no guarantee
that something
will come out of it.
TWO YEARS LATER
Imitation. Nickel and zirconium.
No. That's quite a collection. That's not counterfeit.
A grand and a half.
Nonsense! Not for a grand and a half. Forget it.
That's a lot of money. Got people in Africa living for one dollar a day.
All right. Done deal. Take it. Have it. Go.
THREE YEARS LATER
Tomas, this is what I call high level.
Bulgarian.