Mixed Nuts (1994) Movie Script
1
I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
Just like the ones
I used to know
Where those treetops glisten
And children listen
To hear
Sleigh bells in the snow
The snow
But then I, I, I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
With every
Christmas card I write
May your days May
your days May your days
Be merry and bright
And may all
your Christmases be white
I, I, I, I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
Just like the ones
I used to know
Where the treetops glisten
And the children listen
To hear
Sleigh bells in the snow
I, I, I, I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
With every
Christmas card I write.
May those days May your
days May your days
Be merry and bright
Ooh, ooh, ooh
And may all
Your Christmases be white
Felix, come back here!
You don't deserve to be
the father of my child!
Come back here
with that Santa Claus suit!
You jerk! You ruined our tree!
That tree was
absolutely symmetrical!
It took us two hours to find it!
It was perfect!
Nothing's perfect, you cretins!
Stop yelling. You're gonna
send her into labor.
She's going into labor now! She is not!
She's only seven months pregnant!
All right, stop it!
It's Christmas!
It was an accident. Show a little Christmas spirit.
You owe us 40 bucks!
Touch me and I'll sue you
for a million dollars!
I'm sure Santa will repay you.
It was 50 bucks, okay?
We can't even afford to have our baby.
Now look what you did!
Mind your own business, Mister!
You drove him away!
This is my business. My
business is helping people.
Well, you know what?
Merry Christmas!
You have reached
the office of Lifesavers.
All lines are busy.
If you are truly on the verge of suicide and
calling from a touch-tone phone, press one.
If you are merely depressed,
stay on the line. A friendly
voice will be with you shortly.
What am I supposed to do? I
don't have a touch-tone phone.
Suppose I was on
the verge of suicide?
- Merry Christmas. Lifesavers.
- How may we help you?
I haven't slept for days.
I'm terrified of
the Seaside Strangler.
I know he's going to get me.
Do you fit the physical
description of his victims?
Are you a very attractive
woman with long, dark hair?
Not really.
Although, how long
do you think is "long"?
At least to your shoulders.
I can't stop worrying
about the planet.
And what is it about Janet
that is worrying you?
Not Janet, the planet.
Would you click your phone?
There's some static on the line.
You know, dear, just click
the little button like this.
Hmm!
We're not permitted to divulge the
personal details of our lives,
but I can assure you
I know what you're feeling.
Do you live alone too?
I live with my mother.
That's all I can say.
Catherine, you're not supposed
to tell them about yourself.
Oh, I could never live
with my mother.
That's something to remember.
No matter how bleak things are,
at least you don't live
with your mother.
Thank you for calling and don't hesitate
to call again. Merry Christmas.
May I click for you?
I don't think so,
Mrs. Munchnik.
That person wasn't suicidal,
only depressed.
But if he or she
had not spoken with you,
he or she might have become
suicidal, mightn't they?
And where do you
suppose Philip is?
I'm sure he'll be here shortly.
Playing around, probably.
That's very unfair. Philip
is completely true to Susan.
Men are not true to anything.
They will have sex with a tree.
If you look out the window, you'll see him
pulling up on his bicycle at any moment.
I could be having Christmas
Eve dinner right now
with all of my dead
husband's relatives.
I am not someone
with no place to go.
I'm sure you're not.
Merry Christmas. Lifesavers.
How may I help you?
Philip! Just the man
I'm looking for.
Merry Christmas. You're out.
You can't evict us.
Lifesavers has saved over 1,400 lives this year.
Doesn't that mean anything?
Plus, you are three months
behind in your rent.
We don't exactly
have a cash flow.
After you save someone's life,
you can't ask for money.
Doctors can. Aren't you some
sort of doctor, Philip?
No.
Tell me, in all of your calls,
has anybody impaled themselves?
No. Aw!
Stanley, how am I gonna tell the people
who work for me their jobs are over?
I don't know. Try "you're
fired." It works for me.
Does anyone ever drink glass?
We're broke.
The state has cut
back our funding.
No, they don't drink glass. Stanley, for
God sakes, what's the matter with you?
Oh, they must. They must what?
They must drink glass.
They must.
January 2. Out!
You don't care,
Stanley Tannenbaum.
You're one of the people
who doesn't care.
Of course not.
I'm the landlord.
Oh, Philip, a tree.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
I'm so glad you could make it.
Are you all right? I'm fine!
Temper, temper.
I'm sorry. It's just that everything
that could go wrong, has gone wrong.
Not everything, Philip. At
least we're not being evicted.
And why haven't we been?
Where are the call sheets?
Everyone else in the building
has received a yellow eviction notice.
One hang up!
Dr. Gillespie has received
two yellow eviction notices.
One woman worried
about the Strangler.
One man about to slit
his wrists...
Because his nonprofit business is being
destroyed by a capitalist maniac!
If we do get evicted, I'm sure
Philip will think of something.
That's right. I'll
think of something.
When he was in the Peace Corps,
he built an entire
Peruvian village.
And solved all of their
soil erosion problems.
You could see the bright
side of a plague.
I'm on my way.
Not without your present!
Merry Christmas, Mrs. Munchnik.
A fruitcake?
Yes.
Remarkably, like the one
I gave you last year.
Thank you so much, Philip.
Oh, let me help you.
(I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS
I'll be home.
Merry Christmas!
For Christmas.
Say hello to your dead husband's sister for me.
Thank you, I will.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Please have snow
And mistletoe
And presents on the tree
Help!
Help! Philip! Catherine!
It's Mrs. Munchnik!
Hello!
What are you doing with that?
It's my protection
against the Seaside Strangler.
Oh, give me that, honey. We
don't know anything about guns.
Oh, Felix, I could have
sold that Santa Claus suit
and bought our baby a car seat.
We don't even have a car. What was I supposed to wear?
You cut up all my clothes.
I was mad!
Honey, you were mad
the day we met.
A man on the boardwalk comes up to me
and says, "smile." A total stranger.
And you screamed at him,
"shut up!" remember?
I did, didn't I?
You were right to.
It was a total invasion
of your privacy.
It was.
Hey! Look what I got for you.
This means we can have the
baby in the hospital for free!
All we have to do is swear
we're completely broke
and have absolutely no way of
supporting ourselves and never will.
Oh, God! Felix, I don't want
to hurt your feelings, but...
You are the only person in my whole
life who's never hurt my feelings.
You're a loser. I can't have a loser
dropping in and out of my baby's life.
I'm not a loser, I'm an artist.
Why can't you paint on canvas
or paper like anyone else?
Because, I'm a wall artist!
But you don't have a wall!
But someday I will have a wall.
Someday I'm gonna do my
masterpiece on a great big wall.
Right out there
on the boardwalk.
And you're gonna be in it and
the baby's gonna be in it.
And the sand and the sea and the
stars are gonna be shining!
Mmm, I want a businessman.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about breaking up, Felix.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, come on, honey.
I'm leaving.
Where you going?
I'm going for a walk.
Gracie, honey, come on.
You're just stressed.
And don't try
to follow me either!
Susan! It's Philip.
Uh, uh, let me just go somewhere
private where we can talk.
Tannenbaum's evicting us. The bastard!
I'm sorry, Philip.
You're gonna have to get another job.
Susan,
I've never asked you for money
before, but you're a loan officer.
And a small loan, say
$5,000, could save us.
I don't know what else to do. I
don't know how to tell Catherine.
She's sitting out there knitting something.
A potholder.
I hate to talk about money
at a time like this.
A time like what?
Oh, God, I don't know
how to say this.
This is really hard for me. My
psychiatrist thinks we should break up.
What? I didn't know you were
going to a psychiatrist.
I'm not actually going to one. I've
been dating one for four months.
This is so sudden.
I didn't want to tell you
this over the phone.
I really wanted to fax you.
But you don't even have a fax.
Susan?
Susan?
It's so quiet suddenly.
You'd expect everyone to be
thinking of jumping out of windows
or slitting their wrists on
Christmas Eve, wouldn't you?
Merry Christmas. Lifesavers.
How may we help you?
Hello? Hello?
Hello? Static again.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
I can't hear you.
Try clicking the little button.
I'm having a problem hearing.
Look, I'm at the end of my
rope, and I want to die.
Click it. Click it, please.
Go ahead.
Hmm. We were disconnected.
If a person's really upset,
they always call back.
It's working.
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in one-horse open sleigh.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
jingle all the way.
Oh, so much fun it is to
ride in one-horse open.
Help!
Help! Hey!
I like eating cheese it
tastes very nice Help! Help!
I'm stuck up here! Everyone loves
cheese especially white mice.
Can't you hear me? Hey, Mr. Capshaw!
Jingle, jangle, jing
I'm stuck up here!
Can't you hear me?
Jingle, jangle, jang.
I like to eat stew
it tastes very good
Wait!
Wait! I'm up here!
Are you deaf?
We could have a charity ball.
Who would I take?
We could have a garage sale.
Susan has all my old records.
Oh, geez!
A call! I'll get it!
Line one.
Hello, this is Lifesavers.
Merry Christmas.
Am I disturbing you?
No, no, no, not at all.
I'm very lonely tonight.
Is there any chance
I could stop by and talk?
Well, it's not in the rules, but if you are
willing to make a donation, say, five grand.
I'm kidding!
Everyone makes fun of me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Please, can't I come by?
I don't want to be alone.
No. No, no, no. We have
rules, but we're listening.
Everyone at Lifesavers
is with you.
Talk to us.
I'm so alone. "So alone."
Is there anyone in your
family you can call?
No, they hate me.
Hate you. What about church?
Please, can't I stop by?
I'll only stay a minute.
I need to see someone.
Please, just give me
the address.
I cannot give out the address.
It's Christmas.
It's 17 Pier Street! Thank you.
I'll be right over.
On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me.
A partridge in a pear tree.
On the second day
of Christmas.
My true love gave to me.
Hey, Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Come on, hang some tinsel.
Dad, I hate it
when you call me that.
Arnold! Arnold! Arnold!
Arnold! Arnold! Arnold!
Arnold! Arnold! Arnold!
On the third day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Testing. Testing.
One, two, three, four.
Help! Yoo-hoo!
Hey!
Hey! Hey, hey!
Hey! Hey, hey!
Yoo-hoo!
Hey!
Hey!
I'm stuck in the elevator.
Hey!
I'm stuck in the
elevator get me please.
Come to get me
on Christmas Eve.
Mrs. Munchnik sitting
here with nothing.
Hey, come to get me...
Oh! God. Whoa! Hey!
Come... Now come to get
me stuck in this place.
Get me soon
or hit me in my face
I can't believe I did it.
I broke the rule.
I gave out our address.
I hate it when they cry.
Especially when the cries have
those little hiccups at the end.
This is the worse day
of my life.
It's the Santa Anas.
Everyone's behaving strangely.
What if he's a serial killer? What if I
gave our address to the Seaside Strangler?
I don't think the Seaside
Strangler phones first,
although it could be one of those details
they leave out of the newspapers.
I'll handle this.
Hello, this is Lifesavers. Merry Christmas.
How may I help you?
Hello. I'm calling you because
this is my last Christmas.
Your last Christmas. Continue.
I have leukemia. I have
only two months to live.
Hello?
Leukemia. I'm so sorry, sir.
May I speak to a woman?
May I wish a woman
Merry Christmas?
Absolutely. And may I say
that I admire your courage.
All of us here do.
Here is my colleague.
Hello. Merry Christmas,
if it's all right to say that.
What's your name? Catherine.
I want to do it to you. I want
to stick it in you right now!
Did he say, "stick it in"?
Oh, I'm reaming and ramming!
Oh, you love it!
Stop it, right this minute!
We can't have that sort of thing!
I want you.
Put the slut back on!
Dog haters, that awful woman
is stuck in the elevator.
Stuck. I hope forever.
I'm stuck!
We're coming, Mrs. Munchnik!
I hope it takes them
years to get you out.
It'll serve you right for
reporting Daisy to the landlord.
She practically gave me rabies!
You don't "practically"
get rabies.
You either get rabies or you don't get rabies.
There's no in between.
I'll get that!
What seems to be the problem?
I'm sure I don't know.
I am a trained mechanic, and I
would happily fix any elevator
that didn't have
a dog hater stuck in it!
I'll check
the circuit breaker box.
Well, who was that?
Another basket case?
That was your dead
husband's sister.
They're starting dinner without you.
Lucky them!
- I'm calling the landlord.
- Don't think I don't know
what's really going on
between you and those dogs!
Stanley, if you could just
come over, please. I can't.
Please, Stanley? She can't spend
Christmas in an elevator.
In a couple of hours. Thank you.
Hello. Lifesavers.
Catherine. Oh, hi, Gracie.
Finally, you're off the phone.
Don't you ever stop yakking?
We're supposed to talk on the phone.
That's why we're here.
Yes. Right. Is something wrong?
You've got to let me spend
the night at your place.
Felix is acting
totally irrational.
He ran off in my Santa suit,
which I could have sold today.
What?
It's not the fuse box. Of
course it's not the fuse box!
It is a short inside.
I saw an electrician
fix it last week.
All you need is a screwdriver,
and I will tell you what to do.
I think there's one
in the earthquake kit.
Catherine!
Hold on a second, Gracie!
What is it, Philip?
Would you get the screwdriver
out of the earthquake kit? Oh.
Wait, wait, wait! Do you really
think we ought to use it?
Suppose we take it out and forget to put
it back and then the big one comes?
There's a law that all
businesses, even nonprofit,
have to have complete earthquake kits.
Get it!
I'll get it!
Come here first, and I'll
take you over to Mother's.
She'll be terrified
if you ring the bell.
Why? Is she gonna think
I'm the Seaside Strangler?
She is a little nervous. Does she
fit the descriptions of the victims?
Uh, not really. For me?
Then why is she carrying on?
Uh-oh. There he is. Gracie?
I'm never speaking to him
again, even if he begs me.
- Gracie? Gracie?
- Gracie! Yoo-hoo!
Gracie!
Honey, come on! Come home.
Come back to me.
I'll get a regular job. You had a regular
job making pizza and you messed it up.
The manager hated me. You
never showed up on time!
I'm a wall artist!
You're a wall artist with no
wall, which makes you a nothing!
Yeah, you tell him, lady.
You ruined our tree.
Shut up! You're both
materialistic idiots!
Yeah! Hey!
Hold on.
It's pajamas. Ah.
I knitted them.
Thank you. Everyone's always giving
the bride things to wear to bed,
but no one ever gives
the groom anything.
The thing is, I'm never
getting married.
Of course you are. You're
getting married in four months.
Be patient. Everything
comes to him who waits.
I don't really believe that.
I've been saying things like that for
so long, they just pop out of my mouth.
But the truth is nothing
comes to him who waits.
Merry Christmas. Lifesavers.
Hello. I'm so upset.
I'm listening.
I was in the supermarket and
everyone was buying big turkeys,
and I was standing in the ten-items-and-under
line with a boneless chicken breast.
I know.
I suddenly realized
I was going to be
in the ten-items-and-under
line the rest of my life.
I know.
Are you all right?
Catherine, what's wrong?
Let me handle this.
May I help you?
Is she all right?
She'll be all right.
She's just so sympathetic.
May I put you on hold
while I run to my desk?
You're not calling from
a bridge or holding a weapon?
No. Good.
Have yourself
a merry little Christmas.
Catherine O'Shaughnessy,
get a grip on yourself.
Okay, so the only present
you got is from your mother.
So? You have nothing to do on New Year's
Eve for the tenth consecutive year.
You're a very lucky person.
You have a wonderful job.
You have a wonderful job.
So there. So there!
Have yourself
a merry little Christmas
Now
Well, just remember that in
every pothole there is hope.
Well, you see, pothole
is spelled p-o-t-h-o-l-e.
So if you take the "p" and add it
to the "h," the "o" and the "e"...
And rearrange the letters,
or contrariwise,
remove the "o", "t" and
"I," you get "hope."
So, just remember,
"In every pothole
there is hope."
Now, thank you for calling
and call again any time.
Are you feeling better?
In every pothole there is hope.
My father used
to say that to me.
I remember.
He said it to me only a day or two before
he walked out the door and was run over...
By a truck full of mixed nuts.
Oh, I have something for you.
Merry Christmas, Catherine.
Oh, Philip! Thank you!
Fruit of the month club.
For three months.
First you get apples, then you
get oranges, then you get pears.
I'll take that wrapping. It's okay.
I save the wrapping.
I save it too.
I make ornaments.
I paid for it! Give it to me!
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
Philip, what's this?
This is an eviction notice.
This says we have to be out of the
building by the end of the year.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh! It's Christmas.
I didn't want to upset you.
We have to move!
We have to find someplace!
We don't have any money. Philip, you
can solve this. I know you can.
When the city of Los Angeles was going
to chop down healthy elm trees,
just in case they got
Dutch elm disease,
you handcuffed yourself
to a tree.
And called the newspaper!
I'll call the newspaper!
Two weeks from now I'll be home,
unemployed, with my Royal Riviera Pears.
May I have the number of the Los Angeles Times?
I'm gonna pray for a miracle.
Thank you.
- Hey, dickheads!
- I'm coming, Mrs. Munchnik!
Don't tell her anything! Get
me out of this elevator!
You have reached
the Los Angeles Times.
If you would like to order a
subscription, please press one.
If your newspaper did not
arrive this morning, press two.
If you would like to place
a classified ad, press three.
If you would like to speak to the
editorial desk, city desk, national desk,
international desk, sports desk,
metro, view or calendar sections,
press the first three letters
of the desk you desire
followed by the star key in
the case of the first three,
or the pound key in the case
of the latter five. Help!
I'm coming! I'm coming!
Here you go. I'll just pull you through the roof.
Come on, Mrs. Munchnik.
I got you, I got you.
I called the landlord.
He'll be here in two hours.
I can't wait two hours!
I have to go to the bathroom!
Just hang on. We'll have
you out in a minute.
I can't hold it!
Hurry up you oaf!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Philip, are you all right?
Do I look like I'm all right?
I'm slipping, I'm going to crash.
Hold onto my wrist.
You're hurting my wrist. Bring the
elevator back! Bring it back.
You have two innocent people
up here dangling.
Who's down there?
Whoever you are, stop on four!
No, three! Three!
Stop on three, not four!
Gracie, come on!
Where you going?
It's coming back!
We're gonna be crushed!
Do you have anything to say
to Susan? Any last words?
She broke up with me!
Push stop! Push the red button!
What red button? Is someone talking to me?
I'm talking to you!
Help. Help! Push the red button!
Don't you hear me?
God, help! We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!
We're dead! I knew it!
Please save us! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
No! No! No!
Ah, Gracie, come on!
Come on, honey!
I promise I'll be a good guy. I'll
even give you the Santa suit back.
I have to pee! Help!
Here it is.
I'm taking off the goofy boot things.
Let me in!
Are you okay? Oh, please!
Put your clothes on, Felix.
Open this door now!
We have an employee who
desperately needs to get in.
Let me in right now!
Oh! I'm in agony!
What is wrong with you?
Young lady, this restroom
is property of Lifesavers!
You let me...
Calm down. My God. You don't
have to get so excited.
Gracie, please come home
for the holidays.
I'm never coming back! Felix,
would you please get dressed?
Do you know these people?
Yes. Gracie, this is Philip.
Felix, Philip.
Hi. Yeah, we met.
We have? Yeah, when you
crashed into the tree.
I didn't crash into the tree.
You crashed into the tree.
Yeah, so we met.
And this is Mrs. Munchnik.
Oh, hello.
Well, you two had better make
up before that baby comes.
Well, I have two months to think about it, okay?
Don't be ridiculous.
You're going to drop any day.
It does look large.
Of course. It's mine. I just got
out of prison seven months ago.
And you're the only person who
could be the father? What?
Excuse me? Is it true?
Is what true? What she said.
Is it true?
I'm a slut now, Felix?
Who's the father?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, no! This
is what I'm talking about!
Wait a minute! This is a
nonprofit organization!
There are laws against this!
Felix, you're a maniac!
Oh, Gracie, look what you did.
He's bleeding!
Hello, Evelyn?
Yes, I'm finally out.
Felix will need stitches. We'll
have to take him to the hospital.
Who's gonna pay for it? We can't even
afford to have our baby in a hospital.
I know. We'll take him to the vet.
Dr. Kinsky will help us.
Yes, I'll be there
in just a few minutes.
Just a minute.
What is it? You'll have to stay and
cover the phones while we're out.
I'm going to have to stay and cover the phone.
They want me to stay longer.
Is that incredible? Mrs. Munchnik, you
have driven this man into a frenzy.
It was like lighting
dry leaves with a match!
You have a responsibility.
They're making me feel guilty.
I will be at your house
sometime before next Christmas!
But that's all I have to say.
Thank you. Are you coming, Gracie?
You're okay.
No way.
- Just relax, Felix.
- You'll like Dr. Kinsky.
He's not just a friend,
he put my dog to sleep.
If you go into labor or
anything along those lines,
just don't expect
any help from me.
I am not a midwife.
I never expect help.
Dr. Kinsky's an expert
on potbelly pigs.
You ought to get one,
Catherine.
You can house train them,
and they can find fungi.
If they get in bed with you, they stick
their nose under the covers and root
which I think is so sweet.
I hate pigs.
How can you hate pigs?
They have those cute
little curly tails.
I hate their cute
little curly tails.
Hello, Catherine
Hello, Louie. I was just
coming upstairs to see you.
I got a present for you.
Something...
Personal
I'll be right back. We're just
taking this man to the vet.
- Is he rabid?
- Hardly.
He's simply a poor, unemployed
person in a bad relationship.
That's what they said
about old Yeller.
I'll see you later, Louie.
I'll be waiting
Can I use your scissors instead
of these ones? Oh, yes.
Do you mind if I cut up your eviction notice?
That would be just fine.
Do you have any tape?
I think there's some
in that drawer.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
Oh, my...
Oh, that Philip!
How dare he not tell anyone!
He is going to pay for this!
He is going to pay for this or
my name is not Blanche Munchnik!
Here, lie down.
Dr. Kinsky?
Hello?
I'll be right back.
Is anyone here? Marshall?
Dr. Kinsky? Merry Christmas.
What? Oh!
Hi, Philip. I can't talk.
I'm in a rush.
We got a problem.
You gotta help.
I can't. I gotta go.
Felix is bleeding like crazy. He was
hit in the head with a fruitcake.
How'd that happen?
Lovers' quarrel.
Philip, please, don't go
anthropomorphic on me.
I'm up to my eyeballs in people that
think that animals have feelings.
I don't think you understand.
Come on, I'll help you.
I'll take care of it.
Just do me a favor.
Spare me the melodrama.
Take Felix out of his
box, put him in here.
I'll be right back. Take
Felix out of his box.
Hi, Pepper, Ginger,
Vinny, Duke, Scotty, Billy.
Hi. Hi, hi. I'm running late.
What is it now?
A cat with a concussion.
That's the way it's always going to be, isn't it?
The animals always come first!
Well, Merry Christmas! Not
that you even celebrate it!
Wait! Wait! No, wait! Hey! Oh!
A person named Felix.
Before there were cats named Felix,
there were people named Felix.
You'll find, if you look that
up, the opposite is true.
Hi, Pancho. Hi, little Pancho.
You don't have to worry.
You don't have a dream.
All you want is food and love.
It's all I want.
I want to be a wall artist.
You can make people happy
by chasing a stick.
I have to raise $5,000 or I'm going
to hurt two people I care about.
I care about Gracie.
I care about Vanessa.
I care about Catherine and Mrs. Munchnik.
What about Susan?
Susan's gone. Gracie's gone.
Vanessa's gone.
Give up women, Pancho.
Tomorrow he will.
Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
Oh, no. Once he takes a couple of
these, he won't know what hit him.
We never know what hits us, then
one day we're talking in falsetto.
Stay. Let me ask you something.
How many pillows does Susan
have on her bed? About 12.
See? What is it with women and pillows?
How many do you need?
How many do you need? Two!
One for you and one for her!
Yeah.
Vanessa has all these pillows!
She's got round ones.
She's got heart-shaped ones.
She's got those pillows with the...
Stuff around the edges.
Ruffles? Yeah.
So you want to go to bed, you
gotta take all the pillows off!
Then in the morning, you
gotta put them all back on!
What is the point?
Marshall! Lifesavers
is about to go under.
I don't care about pillows!
What's wrong with him?
Oh, my God!
Come on. Come on! Get up! Get up!
Felix! Felix! Felix!
What happened? He took an
overdose of dog tranquilizers!
Oh, my gosh, Felix!
Get him up! Get outta the way!
Walk him around.
Get outta the way!
Keep him moving! Keep moving!
How can you possibly be
friends with these people?
I beg your pardon, Philip.
Where did you find them?
If you must know, I met Gracie at an
adult children of alcoholics meeting.
Was your mother an alcoholic?
No.
Was your father? No.
I went because someone told me
it was a good place to meet men.
Of course, I didn't meet a man.
That goes without saying.
I met Gracie, though,
and she breaks my heart.
And because I care about
her, I care about Felix.
I'm not like you, Philip. I'm not one of
those people who's only good on the phone.
That's not true. I'm good in person.
In person, you blame everyone.
You did something
wrong at the office.
You gave out our address.
Did I blame you?
No. I blamed the Santa Anas.
I don't even know
what the Santa Anas are.
They're dry winds from
the desert that blow...
Oh, shut up.
Don't just stand there.
Call an ambulance.
That's something
you'll be good at.
I'm glad that we're
not working together.
I'm glad this is our last week!
Felix, if Gracie had any idea what
you've done, she would be devastated.
Oh, that's probably Felix.
Well, I can assure you, if you think
your husband is having an affair, he is!
He says, "I'm in my office,
honey, eating Chinese food."
I don't care if he's dying.
I'm not gonna answer it.
Read his mail. Read it!
That's the delightful way I found
out that I'm about to be jobless.
You're kidding. That's right.
Fine.
Hello?
How can I do it to you, baby,
if you hang up on me?
What? Who's this?
Is this Catherine?
No, this isn't Catherine.
Merry Christmas to you too.
Oh, you're new!
Who are you? My name is Gracie.
Gracie, I want to write
your name in cheese.
I want to bark like a dog!
You are a disgusting, sleazy,
perverted pig! Excuse me!
Um, I'm sorry. May I help you?
The person you were just
speaking with has not taken
the Lifesavers training program.
Shut up, Grandma!
Oh.
I'm not busting your cherry!
Oh, I'm... simply crushed.
Here I've waited
my whole life for you
and now you don't even want me.
Do go on.
I believe you were
discussing my cherry.
I am so good at this, and soon
I will be left high and dry
with no outlet for my talent.
I have to pee.
Have you ever been pregnant?
No, I have not.
Listen, young lady,
when you come out,
do not answer the phone
under any circumstances.
Do not answer the door
under any circumstances
because it could be the Seaside
Strangler, and you know what he'll do.
He'll take fishing twine and wrap it around
your neck and your face will turn blue.
Then your eyes will bulge out,
and then he'll knock you down
and hike up your skirt
and bang you!
Very funny! Very
funny, young lady!
No one comes here.
This is an unlisted address.
Hello? Hello, who is there?
It's the Seaside Strangler.
Whoever you are, you are
not supposed to be here.
Oh, who is it? Answer me!
Do you have something to hide?
Did you do that?
Did you turn out the lights or
is it just this stupid building?
Are you the Seaside Strangler?
Listen, Mr. Seaside Strangler, I am calling
the police, I am getting the reward
and you will go
to a maximum security prison,
where a very large, hairy man
is going to make you
his girlfriend.
I am not your type. I am short.
And my hair is short.
I am attractive.
I suppose I fit that part
of the description.
But I am not young!
I have never been young!
Although I do look...
Would you knock it off?
What would the Seaside
Strangler want with you?
Just... Shh! No!
You're having a fantasy. Oh, no, no!
Don't! Don't!
What a sad and horrible
Christmas Eve.
I had to take the bus.
I stubbed my toe
on the boardwalk.
May I come in? Sure.
Is she all right? She's fine.
Oh, what beautiful beads.
Thanks.
Could you do me a favor?
I'm gonna leave.
Could you put her
somewhere out of the way?
I'd be happy to.
Santa, baby
Just slip a sable
under the tree
For me
Been an awful good girl
Santa, baby
So hurry down
the chimney tonight
Santa, baby, I forgot
to mention one little thing
A ring
I don't mean on the phone
Santa, baby
So hurry down
the chimney tonight.
Hello. Lifesavers.
May I help you?
May I speak to a woman?
May I please wish a woman
Merry Christmas?
You are speaking to a woman.
Santa, cutie
and fill my stocking
With a duplex and checks
Sign your "x" on the line
Santa, cutie
So hurry down
the chimney tonight.
- Mrs. Munchnik?
- No.
Hurry
Who are you?
I called earlier.
You gave me the address.
I remember.
I came right over.
Have you seen a woman
in a bad mood?
She's resting behind the couch.
You were very good
on the phone.
On the phone. I was
good on the phone.
Won't you sit down?
My voice puts you off,
doesn't it?
Not at all. It doesn't suit me.
In that sense, I am
exactly like Kissinger.
Henry Kissinger?
Haven't you noticed?
He has this odd, little, nasal
voice and a pompous, fat body.
Must upset
the Russians terribly.
I met him once.
How fascinating.
Not that he would remember me.
No one does.
I'm sure that's not true.
Thank you. You're very kind.
Excuse me, I'm just going to...
Light these candles
in case the, uh...
It was at one of those clubs. You know
those dance clubs. You know the kind.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
You never know where you are
because when you look...
it's gone.
Who was I with?
I have no idea.
When you're confused,
your past is a blur.
He wasn't dancing.
Who?
Henry Kissinger. Ah.
I'm boring you, aren't I?
Not in the least.
I bore everyone.
I'm sure that's not true.
I personally find you very
entertaining and informative.
For example, I had no idea Henry
Kissinger went to dance clubs.
Perhaps you could come back some
other time, say, after the New Year,
and we could continue our chat.
I wasn't dancing either.
I have two left feet,
I believe is the expression.
Ah. Well, let me offer you one last piece
of advice before you have to leave.
Did you bring a coat or anything?
Just my cape.
Ah.
Have you ever heard of the Greater
Orange County Mambo Contest of 1968?
Well, I was scared
to enter it, and yet I did.
And I won first prize,
dancing with my sister.
From that moment on, I have
never worried for one second
about anyone's opinion,
and neither should you.
You mean...
You wouldn't hesitate
to dance, even with me?
Absolutely not.
Do you have music?
- Come on, Catherine.
- Let's go to my place.
Now? I have something for you.
There were 14 kids
in our family,
so for Christmas we each
got one pair of socks.
Really?
Plus, we never saw our mother. Divide
14 into 24 and what do you get?
Two. We each saw our
mother two minutes a day.
You mean two hours a day.
No, I mean two minutes.
My mother's always there.
Always.
Sometimes I wish she were dead.
Oh, I shouldn't say that.
I hope you don't think I'm
a terrible person. No.
Suppose she dies now
and it's all my fault?
Close your eyes.
Open them.
Is that me?
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, Gracie.
You're so talented.
I have spent my whole life trying
to make something out of nothing.
Don't take that
personally, Catherine.
But just once I'd like to
have something to begin with.
Christmas is such a
powerful time, isn't it?
Gracie, let's make a wish.
Hold my hand and we'll
make a Christmas wish.
Really. I mean it.
I'll go first so you
won't be embarrassed.
Okay.
It's hard to do this because
if you say your wish out loud,
and it doesn't come true,
it's so much worse.
But here we go.
I wish
there were someone I cared
for who cared for me.
There, I said it. Your turn.
I wish for my baby
to have a better life.
Love. Money.
I should probably
get back to the office.
Wait a second.
Let's get some Chinese
food on the way, okay?
Okay.
My, my, my, my
Maybe it's much
too early in the game
Oh, but I thought
I'd ask you just the same
What are you doing New Year's
I don't think...
New Year's Eve
Oh
I wonder whose arms
Will hold you good and tight
When it's exactly
12:00 at night
Welcoming in the New Year
New Year's Eve.
Is it making you nervous
to dance with me?
I'm not nervous at all.
Maybe I'm crazy
To suppose
I'd ever be
The one you chose
Out of a thousand
Invitations.
Dancing with you
makes me feel all fluffy,
like I was dancing on a cloud.
In my work, I deal with
all kinds of people.
None of them are what you might call
conventional, and neither am I.
What are you doing New Year's
New Year's Eve
You're a marvelous dancer.
Thank you.
Philip?
This is shocking. Completely shocking.
I am suing you.
Do you hear? For what?
Withholding information,
psychic stress, stupidity.
And obviously
improper office behavior.
Mrs. Munchnik...
I am calling
the Los Angeles Times.
I am calling
the Los Angeles Times!
They'll do a hatchet job.
They're going to do
a puff piece on us!
I may be temporarily
jobless, thanks to you.
But you will be jobless forever.
I will see to that!
I was only trying to be kind. I
thought I could figure out a way.
We only need $5,000
to tide us over.
That is practically your annual salary.
You are a failure.
I will see to it that
you stay that way!
Mrs. Munchnik, please!
I suppose Catherine
knew about this.
I suppose she was in cahoots.
That Catherine. She is the most
devious woman I have ever met.
Catherine is the kindest, most gentle
creature on the face of the Earth.
Catherine wants to rip
your clothes off, Philip.
She does?
Under that mousy exterior
lies smoldering lust.
Really?
Catherine isn't speaking
to me right now.
I'm not at all surprised.
Before she wasn't speaking to me, she
said she would pray for a miracle.
That is pathetic.
Do not walk me to my car.
Stay right there.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
And say hello to your dead
sister's husband for me.
My dead husband's sister,
if you don't mind.
New Year's Eve
Are you crazy? Are you insane?
This is all I do all day
is deal with nuts like you!
Oh, my God! Catherine was right.
In person, I'm a disaster!
I am so sorry.
I really didn't mean it.
Please.
No apology is necessary.
I understand completely.
Goodbye.
When is the
Automobile Club coming?
In a half hour.
Oh. I used to be
in the Automobile Club,
but they found out I didn't have
a car, so they kicked me out.
They're a little
uptight over there.
Catherine.
Catherine, my goodness, what
have you done to yourself?
You've lost your identity.
I have not.
I'm hungry. I'm gonna die.
Are you about to eat?
Allow me to
contribute a fruitcake.
Be sure you serve it to that
male colleague you so admire
who is upstairs at this very
moment dancing with a strumpet
while Lifesavers
goes up in smoke.
Catherine,
our food's getting cold.
Is it Susan? Is Susan with him?
Hardly.
Catherine, you look cool.
Thank you, Louie.
Catherine, I was wondering if I could
come up and sing my song for you now?
I'd like nothing more.
Catherine, is that... You?
Oh, I'm gonna
do you too, Philip,
because you and Catherine
do not go together anymore.
Philip and I
have never gone together.
Well, you weren't together,
but you definitely matched.
Now, come on, Philip, get up.
What about me?
I want to match too.
Listen, I'll get to you
in a second, okay?
What's he doing here?
Hello
I invited him. Don't you
have someone here yourself?
I most certainly do not!
Someone left her cape.
Someone left his cape.
Really, Philip.
Where is Felix?
He's at the hospital.
Oh, right.
Felix is in the hospital
Dr. Blair. Dr. Blair.
Dr. Jay Hamilton.
Dr. Jay Hamilton.
60 by pal. Ten dopamine drip.
Okay, as soon as we
get into the unit.
Okay. I'll get a 12-lead.
Let's go!
Does he have any family?
To Catherine.
I wonder whether your name.
Starts with a "C" or a "K"
I wonder whether you prefer.
Almond Joy to Milky Way.
I wonder whether you sleep.
To the left or to the right.
I wonder
who you think would win.
If me and Philip
got into a fight.
Oh, so many things
for me to wonder.
So very pretty.
I wonder when Elliott
said good-bye to E.T.
Did you breakdown and cry.
I wonder if I gave you
pudding, eggs and flour.
Could you make
a Boston Cream Pie.
I wonder if your eyes close.
When you come in for a kiss.
I wonder if we had a baby.
Would you object
to having a bris
Oh, so many things
for me to wonder.
Oh, I love grape jelly
That's it?
It's a work in progress.
It may never be finished.
Oh, Louie.
That was so sweet
of you, Louie.
If it's not too much to ask, would
you mind passing the chow mein?
No one ever wrote a song
for me before.
I can't believe it.
Who ate all
the water chestnuts?
I wrote it longhand.
Where are the water chestnuts?
It took me eight months.
I had to quit my job.
Presents that you make yourself are
always the most special. Don't you think?
Where did this fruitcake
come from?
That weird lady gave it to us.
What ingratitude!
I give her a gift from
the bottom of my heart
and she abandons it
as if it meant nothing!
Oh! Oh!
Oh.
Look, there's the dog hater.
Mrs. Munchnik? What?
Mrs. Munchnik,
what can I do you for?
What is it? Tell me.
What can I do you for?
That's just what my dead
husband always used to say.
What?
"What can I do you for?"
Well, um...
I'll, uh...
I'll tell you what you
can "do me for," Mr. Lobel.
OF JINGLE BELLS PLAYING)
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way.
On the beach! On the beach!
Jingle all the way
We want to wish you
A Merry Christmas
We want to wish you
A Merry Christmas
We want to wish you
A Merry Christmas
We want to wish you
A Merry Christmas
I don't care
what she did to you.
It's dangerous to throw
things out of windows.
I completely agree.
Do you work here? I mean, excuse me,
but we are discussing office behavior.
Since you don't work here and we
do, at least for six more days,
you cannot participate.
Somebody's not in the
holiday mood, I guess.
Hello, Lifesavers.
I'm listening.
Is this Kentucky Fried Chicken?
The crazy person is back.
What do you want?
Do you have any breasts?
I forgot my cape.
That's who you were
dancing with?
She insults me too.
My God, if you don't have tits like
Dolly Parton, no one wants you.
Thanks for the memories!
Merry Christmas to all. Hello?
And to all a good night.
Oh, my God! Felix, what now?
Gracie, come back to me,
honey, please.
I can't live without you.
I love you.
You know what? We're in the
middle of dinner right now, okay?
- Put that toy down instantly!
- Toy?
You think this is a toy, huh?
Felix! What are you doing?
This is not funny!
You'll make him nervous.
All right, who wants
to be first, huh?
Who wants to be the hero?
Felix isn't such a bad guy.
He just gets upset.
Oh, right! Because you're
insane, that's why!
Wait till I get home with you!
Think about the baby!
I love you!
He loves you. He's just
having trouble expressing it.
Where you going?
Catherine, you're supposed
to be protecting me here!
Don't run away from me.
This person will
protect me, won't you?
So you're going to shoot
a pregnant woman?
No. I'm gonna shoot you.
Mr. Santa, listen to me.
I'm sure this young woman has plenty of
reason to hate you. In fact we all do.
But that's no reason to
shoot someone now, is it?
So, please...
Put the little pistol down.
No.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Stop! Stop! Stop!
He shot my foot!
Felix, you are a maniac!
Everybody blames me
for everything.
I can't look. Am I bleeding?
Oh, my God, I'm going
to bleed to death.
Someone call my mother!
Don't touch me. I forbid you to touch me!
Just call a doctor.
Stop pointing that
gun at me! Stop!
Felix, we have to stop
playing with guns now.
Don't just take it.
You have to empty it.
Gracie, for God sakes, what are you doing?
Give me that!
I am emptying it!
Let go of it! I can't
believe you would do that!
I am sick of him!
He is a nut case!
Forget about it.
I am protecting us from him!
Yes?
It's Stanley. Who's Stanley?
Stanley Tannenbaum,
the landlord.
I called him to fix the elevator.
I completely forgot.
Oh, the elevator's fixed.
What's going on?
Is everyone dead?
Not everyone.
Hey, what's going on up there?
Just a teeny, tiny accident.
Just a weeny, wooney one.
Well, keep it down.
This isn't the fourth of July.
I know. I'm sorry.
Uh, it won't happen again.
We have to call the police.
Uh, dial 911.
That's their number.
They can't do anything.
He's dead!
Philip, I didn't mean to do it.
You're not going
to turn me in, are you?
You have reached
the Los Angeles Police.
Please hold on. Your call
is very important to us.
Oh, Philip,
is this the miracle?
The eviction will probably go through regardless.
This is not the miracle.
What about me?
Doesn't anyone care about me?
I'll take care of her.
I'm coming.
Catherine, are you okay?
I can't breathe. I'm
having trouble breathing.
I'm so cold.
Catherine? Catherine.
Catherine. Come on, come on.
I am so cold!
It's all right. Calm down. Here,
here, put your arms around me.
Come on. Hold on tight.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Just calm down. Up, easy.
Over the dead body.
Come on. That's good. Yeah, I've got you.
I've got you. Just relax.
I've got you. Come on.
Come on. I've got you.
I've got you.
Oh, my God!
Boy, that's just a little scratch.
It's nothing at all.
Oh, my God!
My foot is completely numb!
I can tell it's going to
be very painful soon!
Hmm. All right, I'll
get you some aspirin.
Thank you.
Or better yet, I'll get you
some Tylenol with the codeine.
Uh-uh, no. No, no, no, no.
Nuprin. That's the good stuff.
I got it. Ludens Cough Drops.
That'll be for me though.
I got a scratchy throat.
Just lean here, all right?
No, just lock your knees.
Now I'm gonna run you
a bath, all right?
Only this time, I'm gonna put in some
water and it'll make you feel better.
Okay.
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?
I'm going to get gangrene.
Would someone
please bring me a bandage?
I'm not asking for the moon.
I'm just asking for a bandage.
All right. Now, just sit here, okay?
Okay? Are you all right? Okay.
Hello? Where are you?
No, no, please, I'll...
I'll just get it myself.
Your bandage.
Philip!
Oh, my God! You broke my nose!
Philip! What is it?
If you call the police, my baby's
going to be born in a jail!
Your baby won't
be born in jail.
My nose is my best feature!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Do you promise it won't
be born in a jail?
I promise!
My face is ruined!
Philip?
Here's your bandage!
- Hey, how's it going?
- Philip, help me!
Do you want Gracie
to help you get undressed?
Do you want me to help
you get undressed?
Something's happening.
My heart is racing and I'm
feeling all nervous and sick.
That's the way I've felt
since the day I met you.
Your sweater was
buttoned funny that day.
One side stuck up higher than the
other and poked up into your chin.
You remember that?
I'll never forget it.
What does it look like? No, don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
It's just a little
larger than usual.
Don't worry. The
swelling will go down.
It must be nice to have your
best feature be so prominent.
My best feature's my hands.
That's why I play ukulele. It gets
your hands right out there, you know?
Are you a professional
ukulele player?
Oh, no. I'm a writer.
What do you write? T-shirts.
Really?
I wrote, "Save the dolphins."
Excuse me. What do you
mean you wrote it?
I wasn't the first person to say it. I was
the first person to put it on a t-shirt.
Oh.
Did you do, "Life is a beach"?
Oh, I wish!
I met the guy who wrote that at a party.
He kind of snubbed me, you know?
We haven't been properly introduced.
My name's Louie.
Chris.
Chris.
Oh, Chris.
I wonder whether your name
starts with a "C" or a "K"
I wonder if you have a skinny
Uncle Harry or a fat Aunt Fay.
I wonder if you know how good
you look in those pantyhose.
I wonder if you're happy
that I didn't mention anything.
About the things
coming out of your nose.
Oh, so many things
for me to wonder.
I wonder if you...
We could cut him up into pieces and
wrap him up as Christmas presents.
Who would we give them to?
Check the peephole!
There is no peephole.
Oh, how convenient.
Philip, it's Susan.
What is it?
I need to see Philip. I think
I've made a terrible mistake.
He's taking a bath with Catherine.
Would you like to wait?
No.
Good, 'cause there's enough
going on here as it is.
If only we could disguise
him as something.
O, Christmas tree
O, Christmas tree
How lovely are thy branches
Catherine was, uh, very distressed, so
naturally, I had to comfort her. Ah.
Where's Stanley?
Where is he?
What did you do with it?
He's in the tree.
In the tree?
He is the tree.
I wrapped him up
in those potato sacks.
Oh, my God.
They're burlap, which is really
itchy unless you're dead.
Me and Felix took branches off the
old tree and we just stuck 'em on.
- How?
- Superglue.
It's the most amazing invention, Catherine.
Pull on one of those branches.
I'm telling you, you could
chin yourself on this tree.
Fortunately, the guy
had a good posture.
I admire a man
with good posture.
Felix has lovely posture.
Thank you, honey.
It's just as well
we're going out of business!
I am totally incompetent!
I'm like Job!
Philip, really!
Well, then, all right,
I'm not like Job!
But look at me,
pretending to save lives.
There's nothing
in the refrigerator!
I couldn't save a life
if my life depended on it!
We have been here for six years, and
what do we have to show for it?
A dead body.
A dead body disguised
as a Christmas tree.
Thank you. Thank you
for reminding me.
I got a plan.
Felix always has a plan.
I am so proud of you, honey.
We take it downstairs. We
leave it on the boardwalk.
That's it? Yeah.
That is not
really a plan, Felix.
What's wrong with it?
A plan is supposed
to have more than one part.
It's supposed to go like,
"First, we do this, and then we
do this, and then we do this."
I don't appreciate you
talking to Felix this way.
We're just trying to help
you out here, Philip.
Yeah. You want a plan?
First we take it downstairs.
Then we leave it on the boardwalk.
Then we go home.
We just leave it standing
like the city put it there.
In a couple of days,
nobody will notice.
And when the city
takes it down?
We're outta there!
What's going on?
Something wrong?
Nothing at all.
Felix and Gracie have turned the
landlord into a Christmas tree.
Now we are going to take it
down leave it on the boardwalk.
Now that's a good plan.
We'll help you.
Be careful now. Don't let
the branches fall off.
What about Stanley's bag?
We'll leave it under the tree
and let somebody swipe it.
Only some of us should go. We
don't want to attract attention.
I'm with you. I'm going!
Okay, the two of us.
We want to go too.
Yeah, we made it.
Okay, four. I'd like to go.
I promise not to
attract any attention.
All right, six, but that's it.
Now, we should
try to act jolly.
I'll sing.
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
'Tis the season to be jolly.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Don we now our gay apparel.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Hey
If you get
all weird this Christmas.
Scooby-Dooby-Doo
pop-pop-fizz-fizz.
We could really
use your business.
Scooby-Dooby-Doo
Let's eat Cheez Whiz.
Sit in a garage
and turn on the ignition...
Philip! Catherine!
Merry Christmas.
Are you dismantling
the office already?
Exactly where are you
going with our tree?
It's not our tree.
Really, it's not.
It is, too, our tree.
I recognize the red
cellophane thingy.
The dogs.
Keep those mutts away
from my tree, please.
May I? By all means, Blanche.
Here, doggies. Here, doggies.
There's a good girl.
Come to Mommy.
Yeah, what a good girl.
They definitely did it.
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Deck the halls
with balls of holly.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
'Tis the season to be jolly.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Don we now our gay apparel.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Follow me in merry measure.
Fa-la-la la-la la la-la-la.
While I tell of
Yuletide treasure
Oh, my God!
It's the rollerbladers!
It's them!
It's the tree haters!
- Oh, no they are back!
- Let's get them!
Your tree is history!
Payback time!
Watch out!
Other way, other way,
other way!
You ruined our Christmas!
No! Don't!
Look out!
Merry Christmas from Doug
and Carol Ferguson!
Whoa!
Oh, Tannenbaum
Oh, Tannenbaum, oh
How lovely are
Are thy branches
We've got one dead body
at 517 Ocean Park Walk.
Request for the coroner and
Homicide Unit to respond.
Okay, what happened?
Who is this?
Come on. Who knows
what happened?
I do.
Our landlord,
Stanley Tannenbaum,
has committed suicide out of guilt
over his condominium conversion.
And these two people, these
two incompetent people,
but never mind, were so tormented that
they could not prevent a suicide,
that they tried
to hide it from the world.
Actually, uh, that's
not what happened.
Obviously.
What happened was...
It was Christmas Eve, and Felix
just happened to drop by
with his gun.
Who is Felix?
All right, I'm Felix. I did it.
Okay, Felix, spread your legs, put
your hands behind your back. Let's go.
Just because he's an ex-con,
you blame it on Felix.
Well, Officer, here's your big murder weapon.
Don't, Gracie.
I did it!
No, no, Gracie, you can't!
Felix! Stop!
Santa! Mommy, it's Santa!
Felix, what are you doing?
I can't live
without you, Gracie!
If you go to jail,
I might as well be dead!
Everybody move back!
Move back immediately! We have
a very dangerous condition!
Felix, it was an accident!
They're not gonna convict me.
Now come down!
Well, what if they do? I can't take a
chance on the criminal justice system!
I went to jail for nothing!
They could do it to you!
No! No, stop!
Philip, you've got to do something!
You've got to save him!
Felix, I just want you to know, I forgive
you for shooting me in the foot.
I don't care! Okay.
Felix, stop! Listen to me!
Don't you want to spend
Christmas with your baby?
Don't you want to see him
open his first present?
What was your
first present, Felix?
Hubcaps.
Huh.
Now I can't even
afford hubcaps!
Felix, you know something?
You're not upset
because you're broke.
I'm not? No.
You're not upset
because you're an artist
who may never have any place
to paint as long as you live.
- I'm not?
- No.
And you're not upset
because the woman you love
may go to jail
for a very long time.
I'm not?
No.
You're upset
because it's Christmas.
Christmas is a time when you look at
your life through a magnifying glass,
and whatever you don't have
feels overwhelming.
Being alone is so much
lonelier at Christmas.
Everything sad is so much
sadder at Christmas.
You can't give in
to this, Felix!
I thought today was going to
be the worst day of my life,
but, then, something wonderful
and unexpected happened!
First, something horrible
and unexpected happened.
Actually, three horrible and
unexpected things happened,
but then something wonderful.
The holidays
aren't over yet, Felix.
They're not over for you, and they're
not over for Gracie. Who knows?
Who knows? There's
magic at Christmas.
And I'll bet, if you come
down, you'll find that out.
I love you, Felix!
I love you so much, Gracie!
Come on down, Felix.
It's almost midnight.
Bravo!
We'll have a van here
in a few minutes.
We'll take you all down to
the station for questioning.
This bag belongs to Stanley.
Brian.
What have you got here, Rizzo?
Whoa!
FP-242, notify watch
commander, please.
Where'd you get this?
Take a guess.
Gracie Barzini?
Yes. I'm ready. You
can take me away now.
Congratulations. You have
killed the Seaside Strangler.
What?
Fishing twine and kelp.
Oh, my God, you're kidding me!
Stanley's the Strangler?
I killed the Seaside Strangler!
How brilliant is that,
Catherine?
Isn't there a reward?
There's a $250,000 reward.
I'm the luckiest girl
in the world!
Philip, I could pay for your moving expenses.
How much do you need?
Only $5,000!
$5,000?
Oh, fine!
Oh, I'm so happy! This is great!
We're back in business!
Thank you! Thank you! What can I give you?
How can I possibly thank you?
I know.
Fruitcake. I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich!
Rich girl! Rich girl!
- Oh, my God!
- What is it?
Oh, my goodness!
What's the matter, honey?
My water just broke!
You're just going into labor.
We have plenty of time.
No, I'm having it!
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure!
Philip? Dr. Kinsky.
Dr. Kinsky'll help us!
What?
She's having a baby!
I'm having a baby!
Uh, bring her over by the tree!
By the tree!
Officer, could you please help?
Here, here. Wait a minute!
Lift up my leg, you moron!
Out of the way! Out of the way!
Out of the way!
Get out of the way! All right,
put her down right here.
Here!
Okay, okay, you're doing great.
I'm having it!
I know, I know. Just relax.
Take it easy.
Everything's gonna be fine.
It's gonna come out, right?
No, no, no. It's gonna come out. You're doing great.
You're in good hands.
I've done this hundreds
and hundreds of times.
Aren't you a veterinarian?
Yes, but it's
the same basic concept.
Okay, relax and breathe.
I'm not relaxed!
Then just
be anxious and breathe.
Breathe deep! That's it. Okay.
It's starting to come!
It's starting to come!
Okay, more breathing.
You're telling me!
All right, here we go!
All right, here we...
Another contraction, and then
give me another big push!
Big push! There we go!
Look, I can see...
Would you shut up?
Just trying to help.
All right, you give
me another big push.
The head is starting to come. It's starting to come.
Breathe a little deeper.
Oh, my God!
No!
Yeah.
It's Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
What shall we do for Christmas?
I don't know. What shall we do?
Let's get married.
This is the miracle.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
(THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Children carry
through the streets
A brightly painted star
Angels gather
'round the hearth
Strumming on guitars
Men of great renown and faith
Say prayers on boulevards
It's the night
before Christmas
But you don't have
to be an angel
To sing harmony
And you don't have
to be a child
To love the mystery
And you don't have
to be a wise man
On bended knee
The heart of this Christmas
Is in you and me
The night
Before Christmas
The night before Christmas
If your heart's been longing
And you've been afraid to try
If sorrow's kept you company
And the dance
has passed you by
I'll lift you up
and blaze with you
Across the moonlit sky
On the night before Christmas
Because you don't have
to be an angel
To sing harmony
And you don't have
to be a child
To love the mystery Mystery
And you don't have
to be a wise man
On bended knee
The heart of this Christmas
Is in you and me
The heart of this Christmas
Is in you
And me
The night
Before Christmas
The night
Before Christmas
The night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature
was stirring the night
Not even a mouse
Christmas Eve I'm waitin'
Saint Nick I ain't fadin'
This year No slackin'
Your case I'm crackin'
Them milk and cookies
ain't caught you yet
Got a little something
special by the TV set
Good news Hey, Santa
Cashews and pecans
Hooray, hosanna
Santa can't resist
those mixed nuts
Chick-peas, split peas
chestnuts, Chinese
Pine nuts, peanuts
and pistachios
No nog, no turkey
Just beer nuts and beef jerky
Tastes good So salty
With something cold and malty
All the fellas at work
say I'm out of my mind
But if I stay awake
I'm gonna get you this time
Good news Hey, Santa
Cashews and pecans
Hooray, hosanna
Santa can't resist
those mixed nuts
Acorns, almonds
Barcelona, Amazons
Black Carpathians,
Giant Macadamia
I wake up kind of dimly
See a boot
scootin' up the chimney
Jump up and try to pull it
Disappears
faster than a bullet
Six empty jars
layin' on the floor
Next Christmas Eve
there'll be ten times more
Good news Hey, Santa
Cashews and pecans
Hooray, hosanna
Santa can't resist
those mixed nuts
Good news Hey, Santa
Cashews and pecans
Hooray, hosanna
Santa can't resist
those nuts
I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
Just like the ones
I used to know
Where those treetops glisten
And children listen
To hear
Sleigh bells in the snow
The snow
But then I, I, I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
With every
Christmas card I write
May your days May
your days May your days
Be merry and bright
And may all
your Christmases be white
I, I, I, I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
Just like the ones
I used to know
Where the treetops glisten
And the children listen
To hear
Sleigh bells in the snow
I, I, I, I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas
With every
Christmas card I write.
May those days May your
days May your days
Be merry and bright
Ooh, ooh, ooh
And may all
Your Christmases be white
Felix, come back here!
You don't deserve to be
the father of my child!
Come back here
with that Santa Claus suit!
You jerk! You ruined our tree!
That tree was
absolutely symmetrical!
It took us two hours to find it!
It was perfect!
Nothing's perfect, you cretins!
Stop yelling. You're gonna
send her into labor.
She's going into labor now! She is not!
She's only seven months pregnant!
All right, stop it!
It's Christmas!
It was an accident. Show a little Christmas spirit.
You owe us 40 bucks!
Touch me and I'll sue you
for a million dollars!
I'm sure Santa will repay you.
It was 50 bucks, okay?
We can't even afford to have our baby.
Now look what you did!
Mind your own business, Mister!
You drove him away!
This is my business. My
business is helping people.
Well, you know what?
Merry Christmas!
You have reached
the office of Lifesavers.
All lines are busy.
If you are truly on the verge of suicide and
calling from a touch-tone phone, press one.
If you are merely depressed,
stay on the line. A friendly
voice will be with you shortly.
What am I supposed to do? I
don't have a touch-tone phone.
Suppose I was on
the verge of suicide?
- Merry Christmas. Lifesavers.
- How may we help you?
I haven't slept for days.
I'm terrified of
the Seaside Strangler.
I know he's going to get me.
Do you fit the physical
description of his victims?
Are you a very attractive
woman with long, dark hair?
Not really.
Although, how long
do you think is "long"?
At least to your shoulders.
I can't stop worrying
about the planet.
And what is it about Janet
that is worrying you?
Not Janet, the planet.
Would you click your phone?
There's some static on the line.
You know, dear, just click
the little button like this.
Hmm!
We're not permitted to divulge the
personal details of our lives,
but I can assure you
I know what you're feeling.
Do you live alone too?
I live with my mother.
That's all I can say.
Catherine, you're not supposed
to tell them about yourself.
Oh, I could never live
with my mother.
That's something to remember.
No matter how bleak things are,
at least you don't live
with your mother.
Thank you for calling and don't hesitate
to call again. Merry Christmas.
May I click for you?
I don't think so,
Mrs. Munchnik.
That person wasn't suicidal,
only depressed.
But if he or she
had not spoken with you,
he or she might have become
suicidal, mightn't they?
And where do you
suppose Philip is?
I'm sure he'll be here shortly.
Playing around, probably.
That's very unfair. Philip
is completely true to Susan.
Men are not true to anything.
They will have sex with a tree.
If you look out the window, you'll see him
pulling up on his bicycle at any moment.
I could be having Christmas
Eve dinner right now
with all of my dead
husband's relatives.
I am not someone
with no place to go.
I'm sure you're not.
Merry Christmas. Lifesavers.
How may I help you?
Philip! Just the man
I'm looking for.
Merry Christmas. You're out.
You can't evict us.
Lifesavers has saved over 1,400 lives this year.
Doesn't that mean anything?
Plus, you are three months
behind in your rent.
We don't exactly
have a cash flow.
After you save someone's life,
you can't ask for money.
Doctors can. Aren't you some
sort of doctor, Philip?
No.
Tell me, in all of your calls,
has anybody impaled themselves?
No. Aw!
Stanley, how am I gonna tell the people
who work for me their jobs are over?
I don't know. Try "you're
fired." It works for me.
Does anyone ever drink glass?
We're broke.
The state has cut
back our funding.
No, they don't drink glass. Stanley, for
God sakes, what's the matter with you?
Oh, they must. They must what?
They must drink glass.
They must.
January 2. Out!
You don't care,
Stanley Tannenbaum.
You're one of the people
who doesn't care.
Of course not.
I'm the landlord.
Oh, Philip, a tree.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
I'm so glad you could make it.
Are you all right? I'm fine!
Temper, temper.
I'm sorry. It's just that everything
that could go wrong, has gone wrong.
Not everything, Philip. At
least we're not being evicted.
And why haven't we been?
Where are the call sheets?
Everyone else in the building
has received a yellow eviction notice.
One hang up!
Dr. Gillespie has received
two yellow eviction notices.
One woman worried
about the Strangler.
One man about to slit
his wrists...
Because his nonprofit business is being
destroyed by a capitalist maniac!
If we do get evicted, I'm sure
Philip will think of something.
That's right. I'll
think of something.
When he was in the Peace Corps,
he built an entire
Peruvian village.
And solved all of their
soil erosion problems.
You could see the bright
side of a plague.
I'm on my way.
Not without your present!
Merry Christmas, Mrs. Munchnik.
A fruitcake?
Yes.
Remarkably, like the one
I gave you last year.
Thank you so much, Philip.
Oh, let me help you.
(I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS
I'll be home.
Merry Christmas!
For Christmas.
Say hello to your dead husband's sister for me.
Thank you, I will.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Please have snow
And mistletoe
And presents on the tree
Help!
Help! Philip! Catherine!
It's Mrs. Munchnik!
Hello!
What are you doing with that?
It's my protection
against the Seaside Strangler.
Oh, give me that, honey. We
don't know anything about guns.
Oh, Felix, I could have
sold that Santa Claus suit
and bought our baby a car seat.
We don't even have a car. What was I supposed to wear?
You cut up all my clothes.
I was mad!
Honey, you were mad
the day we met.
A man on the boardwalk comes up to me
and says, "smile." A total stranger.
And you screamed at him,
"shut up!" remember?
I did, didn't I?
You were right to.
It was a total invasion
of your privacy.
It was.
Hey! Look what I got for you.
This means we can have the
baby in the hospital for free!
All we have to do is swear
we're completely broke
and have absolutely no way of
supporting ourselves and never will.
Oh, God! Felix, I don't want
to hurt your feelings, but...
You are the only person in my whole
life who's never hurt my feelings.
You're a loser. I can't have a loser
dropping in and out of my baby's life.
I'm not a loser, I'm an artist.
Why can't you paint on canvas
or paper like anyone else?
Because, I'm a wall artist!
But you don't have a wall!
But someday I will have a wall.
Someday I'm gonna do my
masterpiece on a great big wall.
Right out there
on the boardwalk.
And you're gonna be in it and
the baby's gonna be in it.
And the sand and the sea and the
stars are gonna be shining!
Mmm, I want a businessman.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about breaking up, Felix.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, come on, honey.
I'm leaving.
Where you going?
I'm going for a walk.
Gracie, honey, come on.
You're just stressed.
And don't try
to follow me either!
Susan! It's Philip.
Uh, uh, let me just go somewhere
private where we can talk.
Tannenbaum's evicting us. The bastard!
I'm sorry, Philip.
You're gonna have to get another job.
Susan,
I've never asked you for money
before, but you're a loan officer.
And a small loan, say
$5,000, could save us.
I don't know what else to do. I
don't know how to tell Catherine.
She's sitting out there knitting something.
A potholder.
I hate to talk about money
at a time like this.
A time like what?
Oh, God, I don't know
how to say this.
This is really hard for me. My
psychiatrist thinks we should break up.
What? I didn't know you were
going to a psychiatrist.
I'm not actually going to one. I've
been dating one for four months.
This is so sudden.
I didn't want to tell you
this over the phone.
I really wanted to fax you.
But you don't even have a fax.
Susan?
Susan?
It's so quiet suddenly.
You'd expect everyone to be
thinking of jumping out of windows
or slitting their wrists on
Christmas Eve, wouldn't you?
Merry Christmas. Lifesavers.
How may we help you?
Hello? Hello?
Hello? Static again.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
I can't hear you.
Try clicking the little button.
I'm having a problem hearing.
Look, I'm at the end of my
rope, and I want to die.
Click it. Click it, please.
Go ahead.
Hmm. We were disconnected.
If a person's really upset,
they always call back.
It's working.
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in one-horse open sleigh.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
jingle all the way.
Oh, so much fun it is to
ride in one-horse open.
Help!
Help! Hey!
I like eating cheese it
tastes very nice Help! Help!
I'm stuck up here! Everyone loves
cheese especially white mice.
Can't you hear me? Hey, Mr. Capshaw!
Jingle, jangle, jing
I'm stuck up here!
Can't you hear me?
Jingle, jangle, jang.
I like to eat stew
it tastes very good
Wait!
Wait! I'm up here!
Are you deaf?
We could have a charity ball.
Who would I take?
We could have a garage sale.
Susan has all my old records.
Oh, geez!
A call! I'll get it!
Line one.
Hello, this is Lifesavers.
Merry Christmas.
Am I disturbing you?
No, no, no, not at all.
I'm very lonely tonight.
Is there any chance
I could stop by and talk?
Well, it's not in the rules, but if you are
willing to make a donation, say, five grand.
I'm kidding!
Everyone makes fun of me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Please, can't I come by?
I don't want to be alone.
No. No, no, no. We have
rules, but we're listening.
Everyone at Lifesavers
is with you.
Talk to us.
I'm so alone. "So alone."
Is there anyone in your
family you can call?
No, they hate me.
Hate you. What about church?
Please, can't I stop by?
I'll only stay a minute.
I need to see someone.
Please, just give me
the address.
I cannot give out the address.
It's Christmas.
It's 17 Pier Street! Thank you.
I'll be right over.
On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me.
A partridge in a pear tree.
On the second day
of Christmas.
My true love gave to me.
Hey, Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Come on, hang some tinsel.
Dad, I hate it
when you call me that.
Arnold! Arnold! Arnold!
Arnold! Arnold! Arnold!
Arnold! Arnold! Arnold!
On the third day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Testing. Testing.
One, two, three, four.
Help! Yoo-hoo!
Hey!
Hey! Hey, hey!
Hey! Hey, hey!
Yoo-hoo!
Hey!
Hey!
I'm stuck in the elevator.
Hey!
I'm stuck in the
elevator get me please.
Come to get me
on Christmas Eve.
Mrs. Munchnik sitting
here with nothing.
Hey, come to get me...
Oh! God. Whoa! Hey!
Come... Now come to get
me stuck in this place.
Get me soon
or hit me in my face
I can't believe I did it.
I broke the rule.
I gave out our address.
I hate it when they cry.
Especially when the cries have
those little hiccups at the end.
This is the worse day
of my life.
It's the Santa Anas.
Everyone's behaving strangely.
What if he's a serial killer? What if I
gave our address to the Seaside Strangler?
I don't think the Seaside
Strangler phones first,
although it could be one of those details
they leave out of the newspapers.
I'll handle this.
Hello, this is Lifesavers. Merry Christmas.
How may I help you?
Hello. I'm calling you because
this is my last Christmas.
Your last Christmas. Continue.
I have leukemia. I have
only two months to live.
Hello?
Leukemia. I'm so sorry, sir.
May I speak to a woman?
May I wish a woman
Merry Christmas?
Absolutely. And may I say
that I admire your courage.
All of us here do.
Here is my colleague.
Hello. Merry Christmas,
if it's all right to say that.
What's your name? Catherine.
I want to do it to you. I want
to stick it in you right now!
Did he say, "stick it in"?
Oh, I'm reaming and ramming!
Oh, you love it!
Stop it, right this minute!
We can't have that sort of thing!
I want you.
Put the slut back on!
Dog haters, that awful woman
is stuck in the elevator.
Stuck. I hope forever.
I'm stuck!
We're coming, Mrs. Munchnik!
I hope it takes them
years to get you out.
It'll serve you right for
reporting Daisy to the landlord.
She practically gave me rabies!
You don't "practically"
get rabies.
You either get rabies or you don't get rabies.
There's no in between.
I'll get that!
What seems to be the problem?
I'm sure I don't know.
I am a trained mechanic, and I
would happily fix any elevator
that didn't have
a dog hater stuck in it!
I'll check
the circuit breaker box.
Well, who was that?
Another basket case?
That was your dead
husband's sister.
They're starting dinner without you.
Lucky them!
- I'm calling the landlord.
- Don't think I don't know
what's really going on
between you and those dogs!
Stanley, if you could just
come over, please. I can't.
Please, Stanley? She can't spend
Christmas in an elevator.
In a couple of hours. Thank you.
Hello. Lifesavers.
Catherine. Oh, hi, Gracie.
Finally, you're off the phone.
Don't you ever stop yakking?
We're supposed to talk on the phone.
That's why we're here.
Yes. Right. Is something wrong?
You've got to let me spend
the night at your place.
Felix is acting
totally irrational.
He ran off in my Santa suit,
which I could have sold today.
What?
It's not the fuse box. Of
course it's not the fuse box!
It is a short inside.
I saw an electrician
fix it last week.
All you need is a screwdriver,
and I will tell you what to do.
I think there's one
in the earthquake kit.
Catherine!
Hold on a second, Gracie!
What is it, Philip?
Would you get the screwdriver
out of the earthquake kit? Oh.
Wait, wait, wait! Do you really
think we ought to use it?
Suppose we take it out and forget to put
it back and then the big one comes?
There's a law that all
businesses, even nonprofit,
have to have complete earthquake kits.
Get it!
I'll get it!
Come here first, and I'll
take you over to Mother's.
She'll be terrified
if you ring the bell.
Why? Is she gonna think
I'm the Seaside Strangler?
She is a little nervous. Does she
fit the descriptions of the victims?
Uh, not really. For me?
Then why is she carrying on?
Uh-oh. There he is. Gracie?
I'm never speaking to him
again, even if he begs me.
- Gracie? Gracie?
- Gracie! Yoo-hoo!
Gracie!
Honey, come on! Come home.
Come back to me.
I'll get a regular job. You had a regular
job making pizza and you messed it up.
The manager hated me. You
never showed up on time!
I'm a wall artist!
You're a wall artist with no
wall, which makes you a nothing!
Yeah, you tell him, lady.
You ruined our tree.
Shut up! You're both
materialistic idiots!
Yeah! Hey!
Hold on.
It's pajamas. Ah.
I knitted them.
Thank you. Everyone's always giving
the bride things to wear to bed,
but no one ever gives
the groom anything.
The thing is, I'm never
getting married.
Of course you are. You're
getting married in four months.
Be patient. Everything
comes to him who waits.
I don't really believe that.
I've been saying things like that for
so long, they just pop out of my mouth.
But the truth is nothing
comes to him who waits.
Merry Christmas. Lifesavers.
Hello. I'm so upset.
I'm listening.
I was in the supermarket and
everyone was buying big turkeys,
and I was standing in the ten-items-and-under
line with a boneless chicken breast.
I know.
I suddenly realized
I was going to be
in the ten-items-and-under
line the rest of my life.
I know.
Are you all right?
Catherine, what's wrong?
Let me handle this.
May I help you?
Is she all right?
She'll be all right.
She's just so sympathetic.
May I put you on hold
while I run to my desk?
You're not calling from
a bridge or holding a weapon?
No. Good.
Have yourself
a merry little Christmas.
Catherine O'Shaughnessy,
get a grip on yourself.
Okay, so the only present
you got is from your mother.
So? You have nothing to do on New Year's
Eve for the tenth consecutive year.
You're a very lucky person.
You have a wonderful job.
You have a wonderful job.
So there. So there!
Have yourself
a merry little Christmas
Now
Well, just remember that in
every pothole there is hope.
Well, you see, pothole
is spelled p-o-t-h-o-l-e.
So if you take the "p" and add it
to the "h," the "o" and the "e"...
And rearrange the letters,
or contrariwise,
remove the "o", "t" and
"I," you get "hope."
So, just remember,
"In every pothole
there is hope."
Now, thank you for calling
and call again any time.
Are you feeling better?
In every pothole there is hope.
My father used
to say that to me.
I remember.
He said it to me only a day or two before
he walked out the door and was run over...
By a truck full of mixed nuts.
Oh, I have something for you.
Merry Christmas, Catherine.
Oh, Philip! Thank you!
Fruit of the month club.
For three months.
First you get apples, then you
get oranges, then you get pears.
I'll take that wrapping. It's okay.
I save the wrapping.
I save it too.
I make ornaments.
I paid for it! Give it to me!
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
Philip, what's this?
This is an eviction notice.
This says we have to be out of the
building by the end of the year.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh! It's Christmas.
I didn't want to upset you.
We have to move!
We have to find someplace!
We don't have any money. Philip, you
can solve this. I know you can.
When the city of Los Angeles was going
to chop down healthy elm trees,
just in case they got
Dutch elm disease,
you handcuffed yourself
to a tree.
And called the newspaper!
I'll call the newspaper!
Two weeks from now I'll be home,
unemployed, with my Royal Riviera Pears.
May I have the number of the Los Angeles Times?
I'm gonna pray for a miracle.
Thank you.
- Hey, dickheads!
- I'm coming, Mrs. Munchnik!
Don't tell her anything! Get
me out of this elevator!
You have reached
the Los Angeles Times.
If you would like to order a
subscription, please press one.
If your newspaper did not
arrive this morning, press two.
If you would like to place
a classified ad, press three.
If you would like to speak to the
editorial desk, city desk, national desk,
international desk, sports desk,
metro, view or calendar sections,
press the first three letters
of the desk you desire
followed by the star key in
the case of the first three,
or the pound key in the case
of the latter five. Help!
I'm coming! I'm coming!
Here you go. I'll just pull you through the roof.
Come on, Mrs. Munchnik.
I got you, I got you.
I called the landlord.
He'll be here in two hours.
I can't wait two hours!
I have to go to the bathroom!
Just hang on. We'll have
you out in a minute.
I can't hold it!
Hurry up you oaf!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Philip, are you all right?
Do I look like I'm all right?
I'm slipping, I'm going to crash.
Hold onto my wrist.
You're hurting my wrist. Bring the
elevator back! Bring it back.
You have two innocent people
up here dangling.
Who's down there?
Whoever you are, stop on four!
No, three! Three!
Stop on three, not four!
Gracie, come on!
Where you going?
It's coming back!
We're gonna be crushed!
Do you have anything to say
to Susan? Any last words?
She broke up with me!
Push stop! Push the red button!
What red button? Is someone talking to me?
I'm talking to you!
Help. Help! Push the red button!
Don't you hear me?
God, help! We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!
We're dead! I knew it!
Please save us! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
No! No! No!
Ah, Gracie, come on!
Come on, honey!
I promise I'll be a good guy. I'll
even give you the Santa suit back.
I have to pee! Help!
Here it is.
I'm taking off the goofy boot things.
Let me in!
Are you okay? Oh, please!
Put your clothes on, Felix.
Open this door now!
We have an employee who
desperately needs to get in.
Let me in right now!
Oh! I'm in agony!
What is wrong with you?
Young lady, this restroom
is property of Lifesavers!
You let me...
Calm down. My God. You don't
have to get so excited.
Gracie, please come home
for the holidays.
I'm never coming back! Felix,
would you please get dressed?
Do you know these people?
Yes. Gracie, this is Philip.
Felix, Philip.
Hi. Yeah, we met.
We have? Yeah, when you
crashed into the tree.
I didn't crash into the tree.
You crashed into the tree.
Yeah, so we met.
And this is Mrs. Munchnik.
Oh, hello.
Well, you two had better make
up before that baby comes.
Well, I have two months to think about it, okay?
Don't be ridiculous.
You're going to drop any day.
It does look large.
Of course. It's mine. I just got
out of prison seven months ago.
And you're the only person who
could be the father? What?
Excuse me? Is it true?
Is what true? What she said.
Is it true?
I'm a slut now, Felix?
Who's the father?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, no! This
is what I'm talking about!
Wait a minute! This is a
nonprofit organization!
There are laws against this!
Felix, you're a maniac!
Oh, Gracie, look what you did.
He's bleeding!
Hello, Evelyn?
Yes, I'm finally out.
Felix will need stitches. We'll
have to take him to the hospital.
Who's gonna pay for it? We can't even
afford to have our baby in a hospital.
I know. We'll take him to the vet.
Dr. Kinsky will help us.
Yes, I'll be there
in just a few minutes.
Just a minute.
What is it? You'll have to stay and
cover the phones while we're out.
I'm going to have to stay and cover the phone.
They want me to stay longer.
Is that incredible? Mrs. Munchnik, you
have driven this man into a frenzy.
It was like lighting
dry leaves with a match!
You have a responsibility.
They're making me feel guilty.
I will be at your house
sometime before next Christmas!
But that's all I have to say.
Thank you. Are you coming, Gracie?
You're okay.
No way.
- Just relax, Felix.
- You'll like Dr. Kinsky.
He's not just a friend,
he put my dog to sleep.
If you go into labor or
anything along those lines,
just don't expect
any help from me.
I am not a midwife.
I never expect help.
Dr. Kinsky's an expert
on potbelly pigs.
You ought to get one,
Catherine.
You can house train them,
and they can find fungi.
If they get in bed with you, they stick
their nose under the covers and root
which I think is so sweet.
I hate pigs.
How can you hate pigs?
They have those cute
little curly tails.
I hate their cute
little curly tails.
Hello, Catherine
Hello, Louie. I was just
coming upstairs to see you.
I got a present for you.
Something...
Personal
I'll be right back. We're just
taking this man to the vet.
- Is he rabid?
- Hardly.
He's simply a poor, unemployed
person in a bad relationship.
That's what they said
about old Yeller.
I'll see you later, Louie.
I'll be waiting
Can I use your scissors instead
of these ones? Oh, yes.
Do you mind if I cut up your eviction notice?
That would be just fine.
Do you have any tape?
I think there's some
in that drawer.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
Oh, my...
Oh, that Philip!
How dare he not tell anyone!
He is going to pay for this!
He is going to pay for this or
my name is not Blanche Munchnik!
Here, lie down.
Dr. Kinsky?
Hello?
I'll be right back.
Is anyone here? Marshall?
Dr. Kinsky? Merry Christmas.
What? Oh!
Hi, Philip. I can't talk.
I'm in a rush.
We got a problem.
You gotta help.
I can't. I gotta go.
Felix is bleeding like crazy. He was
hit in the head with a fruitcake.
How'd that happen?
Lovers' quarrel.
Philip, please, don't go
anthropomorphic on me.
I'm up to my eyeballs in people that
think that animals have feelings.
I don't think you understand.
Come on, I'll help you.
I'll take care of it.
Just do me a favor.
Spare me the melodrama.
Take Felix out of his
box, put him in here.
I'll be right back. Take
Felix out of his box.
Hi, Pepper, Ginger,
Vinny, Duke, Scotty, Billy.
Hi. Hi, hi. I'm running late.
What is it now?
A cat with a concussion.
That's the way it's always going to be, isn't it?
The animals always come first!
Well, Merry Christmas! Not
that you even celebrate it!
Wait! Wait! No, wait! Hey! Oh!
A person named Felix.
Before there were cats named Felix,
there were people named Felix.
You'll find, if you look that
up, the opposite is true.
Hi, Pancho. Hi, little Pancho.
You don't have to worry.
You don't have a dream.
All you want is food and love.
It's all I want.
I want to be a wall artist.
You can make people happy
by chasing a stick.
I have to raise $5,000 or I'm going
to hurt two people I care about.
I care about Gracie.
I care about Vanessa.
I care about Catherine and Mrs. Munchnik.
What about Susan?
Susan's gone. Gracie's gone.
Vanessa's gone.
Give up women, Pancho.
Tomorrow he will.
Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
Oh, no. Once he takes a couple of
these, he won't know what hit him.
We never know what hits us, then
one day we're talking in falsetto.
Stay. Let me ask you something.
How many pillows does Susan
have on her bed? About 12.
See? What is it with women and pillows?
How many do you need?
How many do you need? Two!
One for you and one for her!
Yeah.
Vanessa has all these pillows!
She's got round ones.
She's got heart-shaped ones.
She's got those pillows with the...
Stuff around the edges.
Ruffles? Yeah.
So you want to go to bed, you
gotta take all the pillows off!
Then in the morning, you
gotta put them all back on!
What is the point?
Marshall! Lifesavers
is about to go under.
I don't care about pillows!
What's wrong with him?
Oh, my God!
Come on. Come on! Get up! Get up!
Felix! Felix! Felix!
What happened? He took an
overdose of dog tranquilizers!
Oh, my gosh, Felix!
Get him up! Get outta the way!
Walk him around.
Get outta the way!
Keep him moving! Keep moving!
How can you possibly be
friends with these people?
I beg your pardon, Philip.
Where did you find them?
If you must know, I met Gracie at an
adult children of alcoholics meeting.
Was your mother an alcoholic?
No.
Was your father? No.
I went because someone told me
it was a good place to meet men.
Of course, I didn't meet a man.
That goes without saying.
I met Gracie, though,
and she breaks my heart.
And because I care about
her, I care about Felix.
I'm not like you, Philip. I'm not one of
those people who's only good on the phone.
That's not true. I'm good in person.
In person, you blame everyone.
You did something
wrong at the office.
You gave out our address.
Did I blame you?
No. I blamed the Santa Anas.
I don't even know
what the Santa Anas are.
They're dry winds from
the desert that blow...
Oh, shut up.
Don't just stand there.
Call an ambulance.
That's something
you'll be good at.
I'm glad that we're
not working together.
I'm glad this is our last week!
Felix, if Gracie had any idea what
you've done, she would be devastated.
Oh, that's probably Felix.
Well, I can assure you, if you think
your husband is having an affair, he is!
He says, "I'm in my office,
honey, eating Chinese food."
I don't care if he's dying.
I'm not gonna answer it.
Read his mail. Read it!
That's the delightful way I found
out that I'm about to be jobless.
You're kidding. That's right.
Fine.
Hello?
How can I do it to you, baby,
if you hang up on me?
What? Who's this?
Is this Catherine?
No, this isn't Catherine.
Merry Christmas to you too.
Oh, you're new!
Who are you? My name is Gracie.
Gracie, I want to write
your name in cheese.
I want to bark like a dog!
You are a disgusting, sleazy,
perverted pig! Excuse me!
Um, I'm sorry. May I help you?
The person you were just
speaking with has not taken
the Lifesavers training program.
Shut up, Grandma!
Oh.
I'm not busting your cherry!
Oh, I'm... simply crushed.
Here I've waited
my whole life for you
and now you don't even want me.
Do go on.
I believe you were
discussing my cherry.
I am so good at this, and soon
I will be left high and dry
with no outlet for my talent.
I have to pee.
Have you ever been pregnant?
No, I have not.
Listen, young lady,
when you come out,
do not answer the phone
under any circumstances.
Do not answer the door
under any circumstances
because it could be the Seaside
Strangler, and you know what he'll do.
He'll take fishing twine and wrap it around
your neck and your face will turn blue.
Then your eyes will bulge out,
and then he'll knock you down
and hike up your skirt
and bang you!
Very funny! Very
funny, young lady!
No one comes here.
This is an unlisted address.
Hello? Hello, who is there?
It's the Seaside Strangler.
Whoever you are, you are
not supposed to be here.
Oh, who is it? Answer me!
Do you have something to hide?
Did you do that?
Did you turn out the lights or
is it just this stupid building?
Are you the Seaside Strangler?
Listen, Mr. Seaside Strangler, I am calling
the police, I am getting the reward
and you will go
to a maximum security prison,
where a very large, hairy man
is going to make you
his girlfriend.
I am not your type. I am short.
And my hair is short.
I am attractive.
I suppose I fit that part
of the description.
But I am not young!
I have never been young!
Although I do look...
Would you knock it off?
What would the Seaside
Strangler want with you?
Just... Shh! No!
You're having a fantasy. Oh, no, no!
Don't! Don't!
What a sad and horrible
Christmas Eve.
I had to take the bus.
I stubbed my toe
on the boardwalk.
May I come in? Sure.
Is she all right? She's fine.
Oh, what beautiful beads.
Thanks.
Could you do me a favor?
I'm gonna leave.
Could you put her
somewhere out of the way?
I'd be happy to.
Santa, baby
Just slip a sable
under the tree
For me
Been an awful good girl
Santa, baby
So hurry down
the chimney tonight
Santa, baby, I forgot
to mention one little thing
A ring
I don't mean on the phone
Santa, baby
So hurry down
the chimney tonight.
Hello. Lifesavers.
May I help you?
May I speak to a woman?
May I please wish a woman
Merry Christmas?
You are speaking to a woman.
Santa, cutie
and fill my stocking
With a duplex and checks
Sign your "x" on the line
Santa, cutie
So hurry down
the chimney tonight.
- Mrs. Munchnik?
- No.
Hurry
Who are you?
I called earlier.
You gave me the address.
I remember.
I came right over.
Have you seen a woman
in a bad mood?
She's resting behind the couch.
You were very good
on the phone.
On the phone. I was
good on the phone.
Won't you sit down?
My voice puts you off,
doesn't it?
Not at all. It doesn't suit me.
In that sense, I am
exactly like Kissinger.
Henry Kissinger?
Haven't you noticed?
He has this odd, little, nasal
voice and a pompous, fat body.
Must upset
the Russians terribly.
I met him once.
How fascinating.
Not that he would remember me.
No one does.
I'm sure that's not true.
Thank you. You're very kind.
Excuse me, I'm just going to...
Light these candles
in case the, uh...
It was at one of those clubs. You know
those dance clubs. You know the kind.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
You never know where you are
because when you look...
it's gone.
Who was I with?
I have no idea.
When you're confused,
your past is a blur.
He wasn't dancing.
Who?
Henry Kissinger. Ah.
I'm boring you, aren't I?
Not in the least.
I bore everyone.
I'm sure that's not true.
I personally find you very
entertaining and informative.
For example, I had no idea Henry
Kissinger went to dance clubs.
Perhaps you could come back some
other time, say, after the New Year,
and we could continue our chat.
I wasn't dancing either.
I have two left feet,
I believe is the expression.
Ah. Well, let me offer you one last piece
of advice before you have to leave.
Did you bring a coat or anything?
Just my cape.
Ah.
Have you ever heard of the Greater
Orange County Mambo Contest of 1968?
Well, I was scared
to enter it, and yet I did.
And I won first prize,
dancing with my sister.
From that moment on, I have
never worried for one second
about anyone's opinion,
and neither should you.
You mean...
You wouldn't hesitate
to dance, even with me?
Absolutely not.
Do you have music?
- Come on, Catherine.
- Let's go to my place.
Now? I have something for you.
There were 14 kids
in our family,
so for Christmas we each
got one pair of socks.
Really?
Plus, we never saw our mother. Divide
14 into 24 and what do you get?
Two. We each saw our
mother two minutes a day.
You mean two hours a day.
No, I mean two minutes.
My mother's always there.
Always.
Sometimes I wish she were dead.
Oh, I shouldn't say that.
I hope you don't think I'm
a terrible person. No.
Suppose she dies now
and it's all my fault?
Close your eyes.
Open them.
Is that me?
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, Gracie.
You're so talented.
I have spent my whole life trying
to make something out of nothing.
Don't take that
personally, Catherine.
But just once I'd like to
have something to begin with.
Christmas is such a
powerful time, isn't it?
Gracie, let's make a wish.
Hold my hand and we'll
make a Christmas wish.
Really. I mean it.
I'll go first so you
won't be embarrassed.
Okay.
It's hard to do this because
if you say your wish out loud,
and it doesn't come true,
it's so much worse.
But here we go.
I wish
there were someone I cared
for who cared for me.
There, I said it. Your turn.
I wish for my baby
to have a better life.
Love. Money.
I should probably
get back to the office.
Wait a second.
Let's get some Chinese
food on the way, okay?
Okay.
My, my, my, my
Maybe it's much
too early in the game
Oh, but I thought
I'd ask you just the same
What are you doing New Year's
I don't think...
New Year's Eve
Oh
I wonder whose arms
Will hold you good and tight
When it's exactly
12:00 at night
Welcoming in the New Year
New Year's Eve.
Is it making you nervous
to dance with me?
I'm not nervous at all.
Maybe I'm crazy
To suppose
I'd ever be
The one you chose
Out of a thousand
Invitations.
Dancing with you
makes me feel all fluffy,
like I was dancing on a cloud.
In my work, I deal with
all kinds of people.
None of them are what you might call
conventional, and neither am I.
What are you doing New Year's
New Year's Eve
You're a marvelous dancer.
Thank you.
Philip?
This is shocking. Completely shocking.
I am suing you.
Do you hear? For what?
Withholding information,
psychic stress, stupidity.
And obviously
improper office behavior.
Mrs. Munchnik...
I am calling
the Los Angeles Times.
I am calling
the Los Angeles Times!
They'll do a hatchet job.
They're going to do
a puff piece on us!
I may be temporarily
jobless, thanks to you.
But you will be jobless forever.
I will see to that!
I was only trying to be kind. I
thought I could figure out a way.
We only need $5,000
to tide us over.
That is practically your annual salary.
You are a failure.
I will see to it that
you stay that way!
Mrs. Munchnik, please!
I suppose Catherine
knew about this.
I suppose she was in cahoots.
That Catherine. She is the most
devious woman I have ever met.
Catherine is the kindest, most gentle
creature on the face of the Earth.
Catherine wants to rip
your clothes off, Philip.
She does?
Under that mousy exterior
lies smoldering lust.
Really?
Catherine isn't speaking
to me right now.
I'm not at all surprised.
Before she wasn't speaking to me, she
said she would pray for a miracle.
That is pathetic.
Do not walk me to my car.
Stay right there.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
And say hello to your dead
sister's husband for me.
My dead husband's sister,
if you don't mind.
New Year's Eve
Are you crazy? Are you insane?
This is all I do all day
is deal with nuts like you!
Oh, my God! Catherine was right.
In person, I'm a disaster!
I am so sorry.
I really didn't mean it.
Please.
No apology is necessary.
I understand completely.
Goodbye.
When is the
Automobile Club coming?
In a half hour.
Oh. I used to be
in the Automobile Club,
but they found out I didn't have
a car, so they kicked me out.
They're a little
uptight over there.
Catherine.
Catherine, my goodness, what
have you done to yourself?
You've lost your identity.
I have not.
I'm hungry. I'm gonna die.
Are you about to eat?
Allow me to
contribute a fruitcake.
Be sure you serve it to that
male colleague you so admire
who is upstairs at this very
moment dancing with a strumpet
while Lifesavers
goes up in smoke.
Catherine,
our food's getting cold.
Is it Susan? Is Susan with him?
Hardly.
Catherine, you look cool.
Thank you, Louie.
Catherine, I was wondering if I could
come up and sing my song for you now?
I'd like nothing more.
Catherine, is that... You?
Oh, I'm gonna
do you too, Philip,
because you and Catherine
do not go together anymore.
Philip and I
have never gone together.
Well, you weren't together,
but you definitely matched.
Now, come on, Philip, get up.
What about me?
I want to match too.
Listen, I'll get to you
in a second, okay?
What's he doing here?
Hello
I invited him. Don't you
have someone here yourself?
I most certainly do not!
Someone left her cape.
Someone left his cape.
Really, Philip.
Where is Felix?
He's at the hospital.
Oh, right.
Felix is in the hospital
Dr. Blair. Dr. Blair.
Dr. Jay Hamilton.
Dr. Jay Hamilton.
60 by pal. Ten dopamine drip.
Okay, as soon as we
get into the unit.
Okay. I'll get a 12-lead.
Let's go!
Does he have any family?
To Catherine.
I wonder whether your name.
Starts with a "C" or a "K"
I wonder whether you prefer.
Almond Joy to Milky Way.
I wonder whether you sleep.
To the left or to the right.
I wonder
who you think would win.
If me and Philip
got into a fight.
Oh, so many things
for me to wonder.
So very pretty.
I wonder when Elliott
said good-bye to E.T.
Did you breakdown and cry.
I wonder if I gave you
pudding, eggs and flour.
Could you make
a Boston Cream Pie.
I wonder if your eyes close.
When you come in for a kiss.
I wonder if we had a baby.
Would you object
to having a bris
Oh, so many things
for me to wonder.
Oh, I love grape jelly
That's it?
It's a work in progress.
It may never be finished.
Oh, Louie.
That was so sweet
of you, Louie.
If it's not too much to ask, would
you mind passing the chow mein?
No one ever wrote a song
for me before.
I can't believe it.
Who ate all
the water chestnuts?
I wrote it longhand.
Where are the water chestnuts?
It took me eight months.
I had to quit my job.
Presents that you make yourself are
always the most special. Don't you think?
Where did this fruitcake
come from?
That weird lady gave it to us.
What ingratitude!
I give her a gift from
the bottom of my heart
and she abandons it
as if it meant nothing!
Oh! Oh!
Oh.
Look, there's the dog hater.
Mrs. Munchnik? What?
Mrs. Munchnik,
what can I do you for?
What is it? Tell me.
What can I do you for?
That's just what my dead
husband always used to say.
What?
"What can I do you for?"
Well, um...
I'll, uh...
I'll tell you what you
can "do me for," Mr. Lobel.
OF JINGLE BELLS PLAYING)
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way.
On the beach! On the beach!
Jingle all the way
We want to wish you
A Merry Christmas
We want to wish you
A Merry Christmas
We want to wish you
A Merry Christmas
We want to wish you
A Merry Christmas
I don't care
what she did to you.
It's dangerous to throw
things out of windows.
I completely agree.
Do you work here? I mean, excuse me,
but we are discussing office behavior.
Since you don't work here and we
do, at least for six more days,
you cannot participate.
Somebody's not in the
holiday mood, I guess.
Hello, Lifesavers.
I'm listening.
Is this Kentucky Fried Chicken?
The crazy person is back.
What do you want?
Do you have any breasts?
I forgot my cape.
That's who you were
dancing with?
She insults me too.
My God, if you don't have tits like
Dolly Parton, no one wants you.
Thanks for the memories!
Merry Christmas to all. Hello?
And to all a good night.
Oh, my God! Felix, what now?
Gracie, come back to me,
honey, please.
I can't live without you.
I love you.
You know what? We're in the
middle of dinner right now, okay?
- Put that toy down instantly!
- Toy?
You think this is a toy, huh?
Felix! What are you doing?
This is not funny!
You'll make him nervous.
All right, who wants
to be first, huh?
Who wants to be the hero?
Felix isn't such a bad guy.
He just gets upset.
Oh, right! Because you're
insane, that's why!
Wait till I get home with you!
Think about the baby!
I love you!
He loves you. He's just
having trouble expressing it.
Where you going?
Catherine, you're supposed
to be protecting me here!
Don't run away from me.
This person will
protect me, won't you?
So you're going to shoot
a pregnant woman?
No. I'm gonna shoot you.
Mr. Santa, listen to me.
I'm sure this young woman has plenty of
reason to hate you. In fact we all do.
But that's no reason to
shoot someone now, is it?
So, please...
Put the little pistol down.
No.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Stop! Stop! Stop!
He shot my foot!
Felix, you are a maniac!
Everybody blames me
for everything.
I can't look. Am I bleeding?
Oh, my God, I'm going
to bleed to death.
Someone call my mother!
Don't touch me. I forbid you to touch me!
Just call a doctor.
Stop pointing that
gun at me! Stop!
Felix, we have to stop
playing with guns now.
Don't just take it.
You have to empty it.
Gracie, for God sakes, what are you doing?
Give me that!
I am emptying it!
Let go of it! I can't
believe you would do that!
I am sick of him!
He is a nut case!
Forget about it.
I am protecting us from him!
Yes?
It's Stanley. Who's Stanley?
Stanley Tannenbaum,
the landlord.
I called him to fix the elevator.
I completely forgot.
Oh, the elevator's fixed.
What's going on?
Is everyone dead?
Not everyone.
Hey, what's going on up there?
Just a teeny, tiny accident.
Just a weeny, wooney one.
Well, keep it down.
This isn't the fourth of July.
I know. I'm sorry.
Uh, it won't happen again.
We have to call the police.
Uh, dial 911.
That's their number.
They can't do anything.
He's dead!
Philip, I didn't mean to do it.
You're not going
to turn me in, are you?
You have reached
the Los Angeles Police.
Please hold on. Your call
is very important to us.
Oh, Philip,
is this the miracle?
The eviction will probably go through regardless.
This is not the miracle.
What about me?
Doesn't anyone care about me?
I'll take care of her.
I'm coming.
Catherine, are you okay?
I can't breathe. I'm
having trouble breathing.
I'm so cold.
Catherine? Catherine.
Catherine. Come on, come on.
I am so cold!
It's all right. Calm down. Here,
here, put your arms around me.
Come on. Hold on tight.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Just calm down. Up, easy.
Over the dead body.
Come on. That's good. Yeah, I've got you.
I've got you. Just relax.
I've got you. Come on.
Come on. I've got you.
I've got you.
Oh, my God!
Boy, that's just a little scratch.
It's nothing at all.
Oh, my God!
My foot is completely numb!
I can tell it's going to
be very painful soon!
Hmm. All right, I'll
get you some aspirin.
Thank you.
Or better yet, I'll get you
some Tylenol with the codeine.
Uh-uh, no. No, no, no, no.
Nuprin. That's the good stuff.
I got it. Ludens Cough Drops.
That'll be for me though.
I got a scratchy throat.
Just lean here, all right?
No, just lock your knees.
Now I'm gonna run you
a bath, all right?
Only this time, I'm gonna put in some
water and it'll make you feel better.
Okay.
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?
I'm going to get gangrene.
Would someone
please bring me a bandage?
I'm not asking for the moon.
I'm just asking for a bandage.
All right. Now, just sit here, okay?
Okay? Are you all right? Okay.
Hello? Where are you?
No, no, please, I'll...
I'll just get it myself.
Your bandage.
Philip!
Oh, my God! You broke my nose!
Philip! What is it?
If you call the police, my baby's
going to be born in a jail!
Your baby won't
be born in jail.
My nose is my best feature!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Do you promise it won't
be born in a jail?
I promise!
My face is ruined!
Philip?
Here's your bandage!
- Hey, how's it going?
- Philip, help me!
Do you want Gracie
to help you get undressed?
Do you want me to help
you get undressed?
Something's happening.
My heart is racing and I'm
feeling all nervous and sick.
That's the way I've felt
since the day I met you.
Your sweater was
buttoned funny that day.
One side stuck up higher than the
other and poked up into your chin.
You remember that?
I'll never forget it.
What does it look like? No, don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
It's just a little
larger than usual.
Don't worry. The
swelling will go down.
It must be nice to have your
best feature be so prominent.
My best feature's my hands.
That's why I play ukulele. It gets
your hands right out there, you know?
Are you a professional
ukulele player?
Oh, no. I'm a writer.
What do you write? T-shirts.
Really?
I wrote, "Save the dolphins."
Excuse me. What do you
mean you wrote it?
I wasn't the first person to say it. I was
the first person to put it on a t-shirt.
Oh.
Did you do, "Life is a beach"?
Oh, I wish!
I met the guy who wrote that at a party.
He kind of snubbed me, you know?
We haven't been properly introduced.
My name's Louie.
Chris.
Chris.
Oh, Chris.
I wonder whether your name
starts with a "C" or a "K"
I wonder if you have a skinny
Uncle Harry or a fat Aunt Fay.
I wonder if you know how good
you look in those pantyhose.
I wonder if you're happy
that I didn't mention anything.
About the things
coming out of your nose.
Oh, so many things
for me to wonder.
I wonder if you...
We could cut him up into pieces and
wrap him up as Christmas presents.
Who would we give them to?
Check the peephole!
There is no peephole.
Oh, how convenient.
Philip, it's Susan.
What is it?
I need to see Philip. I think
I've made a terrible mistake.
He's taking a bath with Catherine.
Would you like to wait?
No.
Good, 'cause there's enough
going on here as it is.
If only we could disguise
him as something.
O, Christmas tree
O, Christmas tree
How lovely are thy branches
Catherine was, uh, very distressed, so
naturally, I had to comfort her. Ah.
Where's Stanley?
Where is he?
What did you do with it?
He's in the tree.
In the tree?
He is the tree.
I wrapped him up
in those potato sacks.
Oh, my God.
They're burlap, which is really
itchy unless you're dead.
Me and Felix took branches off the
old tree and we just stuck 'em on.
- How?
- Superglue.
It's the most amazing invention, Catherine.
Pull on one of those branches.
I'm telling you, you could
chin yourself on this tree.
Fortunately, the guy
had a good posture.
I admire a man
with good posture.
Felix has lovely posture.
Thank you, honey.
It's just as well
we're going out of business!
I am totally incompetent!
I'm like Job!
Philip, really!
Well, then, all right,
I'm not like Job!
But look at me,
pretending to save lives.
There's nothing
in the refrigerator!
I couldn't save a life
if my life depended on it!
We have been here for six years, and
what do we have to show for it?
A dead body.
A dead body disguised
as a Christmas tree.
Thank you. Thank you
for reminding me.
I got a plan.
Felix always has a plan.
I am so proud of you, honey.
We take it downstairs. We
leave it on the boardwalk.
That's it? Yeah.
That is not
really a plan, Felix.
What's wrong with it?
A plan is supposed
to have more than one part.
It's supposed to go like,
"First, we do this, and then we
do this, and then we do this."
I don't appreciate you
talking to Felix this way.
We're just trying to help
you out here, Philip.
Yeah. You want a plan?
First we take it downstairs.
Then we leave it on the boardwalk.
Then we go home.
We just leave it standing
like the city put it there.
In a couple of days,
nobody will notice.
And when the city
takes it down?
We're outta there!
What's going on?
Something wrong?
Nothing at all.
Felix and Gracie have turned the
landlord into a Christmas tree.
Now we are going to take it
down leave it on the boardwalk.
Now that's a good plan.
We'll help you.
Be careful now. Don't let
the branches fall off.
What about Stanley's bag?
We'll leave it under the tree
and let somebody swipe it.
Only some of us should go. We
don't want to attract attention.
I'm with you. I'm going!
Okay, the two of us.
We want to go too.
Yeah, we made it.
Okay, four. I'd like to go.
I promise not to
attract any attention.
All right, six, but that's it.
Now, we should
try to act jolly.
I'll sing.
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
'Tis the season to be jolly.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Don we now our gay apparel.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Hey
If you get
all weird this Christmas.
Scooby-Dooby-Doo
pop-pop-fizz-fizz.
We could really
use your business.
Scooby-Dooby-Doo
Let's eat Cheez Whiz.
Sit in a garage
and turn on the ignition...
Philip! Catherine!
Merry Christmas.
Are you dismantling
the office already?
Exactly where are you
going with our tree?
It's not our tree.
Really, it's not.
It is, too, our tree.
I recognize the red
cellophane thingy.
The dogs.
Keep those mutts away
from my tree, please.
May I? By all means, Blanche.
Here, doggies. Here, doggies.
There's a good girl.
Come to Mommy.
Yeah, what a good girl.
They definitely did it.
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Deck the halls
with balls of holly.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
'Tis the season to be jolly.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Don we now our gay apparel.
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Follow me in merry measure.
Fa-la-la la-la la la-la-la.
While I tell of
Yuletide treasure
Oh, my God!
It's the rollerbladers!
It's them!
It's the tree haters!
- Oh, no they are back!
- Let's get them!
Your tree is history!
Payback time!
Watch out!
Other way, other way,
other way!
You ruined our Christmas!
No! Don't!
Look out!
Merry Christmas from Doug
and Carol Ferguson!
Whoa!
Oh, Tannenbaum
Oh, Tannenbaum, oh
How lovely are
Are thy branches
We've got one dead body
at 517 Ocean Park Walk.
Request for the coroner and
Homicide Unit to respond.
Okay, what happened?
Who is this?
Come on. Who knows
what happened?
I do.
Our landlord,
Stanley Tannenbaum,
has committed suicide out of guilt
over his condominium conversion.
And these two people, these
two incompetent people,
but never mind, were so tormented that
they could not prevent a suicide,
that they tried
to hide it from the world.
Actually, uh, that's
not what happened.
Obviously.
What happened was...
It was Christmas Eve, and Felix
just happened to drop by
with his gun.
Who is Felix?
All right, I'm Felix. I did it.
Okay, Felix, spread your legs, put
your hands behind your back. Let's go.
Just because he's an ex-con,
you blame it on Felix.
Well, Officer, here's your big murder weapon.
Don't, Gracie.
I did it!
No, no, Gracie, you can't!
Felix! Stop!
Santa! Mommy, it's Santa!
Felix, what are you doing?
I can't live
without you, Gracie!
If you go to jail,
I might as well be dead!
Everybody move back!
Move back immediately! We have
a very dangerous condition!
Felix, it was an accident!
They're not gonna convict me.
Now come down!
Well, what if they do? I can't take a
chance on the criminal justice system!
I went to jail for nothing!
They could do it to you!
No! No, stop!
Philip, you've got to do something!
You've got to save him!
Felix, I just want you to know, I forgive
you for shooting me in the foot.
I don't care! Okay.
Felix, stop! Listen to me!
Don't you want to spend
Christmas with your baby?
Don't you want to see him
open his first present?
What was your
first present, Felix?
Hubcaps.
Huh.
Now I can't even
afford hubcaps!
Felix, you know something?
You're not upset
because you're broke.
I'm not? No.
You're not upset
because you're an artist
who may never have any place
to paint as long as you live.
- I'm not?
- No.
And you're not upset
because the woman you love
may go to jail
for a very long time.
I'm not?
No.
You're upset
because it's Christmas.
Christmas is a time when you look at
your life through a magnifying glass,
and whatever you don't have
feels overwhelming.
Being alone is so much
lonelier at Christmas.
Everything sad is so much
sadder at Christmas.
You can't give in
to this, Felix!
I thought today was going to
be the worst day of my life,
but, then, something wonderful
and unexpected happened!
First, something horrible
and unexpected happened.
Actually, three horrible and
unexpected things happened,
but then something wonderful.
The holidays
aren't over yet, Felix.
They're not over for you, and they're
not over for Gracie. Who knows?
Who knows? There's
magic at Christmas.
And I'll bet, if you come
down, you'll find that out.
I love you, Felix!
I love you so much, Gracie!
Come on down, Felix.
It's almost midnight.
Bravo!
We'll have a van here
in a few minutes.
We'll take you all down to
the station for questioning.
This bag belongs to Stanley.
Brian.
What have you got here, Rizzo?
Whoa!
FP-242, notify watch
commander, please.
Where'd you get this?
Take a guess.
Gracie Barzini?
Yes. I'm ready. You
can take me away now.
Congratulations. You have
killed the Seaside Strangler.
What?
Fishing twine and kelp.
Oh, my God, you're kidding me!
Stanley's the Strangler?
I killed the Seaside Strangler!
How brilliant is that,
Catherine?
Isn't there a reward?
There's a $250,000 reward.
I'm the luckiest girl
in the world!
Philip, I could pay for your moving expenses.
How much do you need?
Only $5,000!
$5,000?
Oh, fine!
Oh, I'm so happy! This is great!
We're back in business!
Thank you! Thank you! What can I give you?
How can I possibly thank you?
I know.
Fruitcake. I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich!
Rich girl! Rich girl!
- Oh, my God!
- What is it?
Oh, my goodness!
What's the matter, honey?
My water just broke!
You're just going into labor.
We have plenty of time.
No, I'm having it!
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure!
Philip? Dr. Kinsky.
Dr. Kinsky'll help us!
What?
She's having a baby!
I'm having a baby!
Uh, bring her over by the tree!
By the tree!
Officer, could you please help?
Here, here. Wait a minute!
Lift up my leg, you moron!
Out of the way! Out of the way!
Out of the way!
Get out of the way! All right,
put her down right here.
Here!
Okay, okay, you're doing great.
I'm having it!
I know, I know. Just relax.
Take it easy.
Everything's gonna be fine.
It's gonna come out, right?
No, no, no. It's gonna come out. You're doing great.
You're in good hands.
I've done this hundreds
and hundreds of times.
Aren't you a veterinarian?
Yes, but it's
the same basic concept.
Okay, relax and breathe.
I'm not relaxed!
Then just
be anxious and breathe.
Breathe deep! That's it. Okay.
It's starting to come!
It's starting to come!
Okay, more breathing.
You're telling me!
All right, here we go!
All right, here we...
Another contraction, and then
give me another big push!
Big push! There we go!
Look, I can see...
Would you shut up?
Just trying to help.
All right, you give
me another big push.
The head is starting to come. It's starting to come.
Breathe a little deeper.
Oh, my God!
No!
Yeah.
It's Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
What shall we do for Christmas?
I don't know. What shall we do?
Let's get married.
This is the miracle.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
(THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Children carry
through the streets
A brightly painted star
Angels gather
'round the hearth
Strumming on guitars
Men of great renown and faith
Say prayers on boulevards
It's the night
before Christmas
But you don't have
to be an angel
To sing harmony
And you don't have
to be a child
To love the mystery
And you don't have
to be a wise man
On bended knee
The heart of this Christmas
Is in you and me
The night
Before Christmas
The night before Christmas
If your heart's been longing
And you've been afraid to try
If sorrow's kept you company
And the dance
has passed you by
I'll lift you up
and blaze with you
Across the moonlit sky
On the night before Christmas
Because you don't have
to be an angel
To sing harmony
And you don't have
to be a child
To love the mystery Mystery
And you don't have
to be a wise man
On bended knee
The heart of this Christmas
Is in you and me
The heart of this Christmas
Is in you
And me
The night
Before Christmas
The night
Before Christmas
The night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature
was stirring the night
Not even a mouse
Christmas Eve I'm waitin'
Saint Nick I ain't fadin'
This year No slackin'
Your case I'm crackin'
Them milk and cookies
ain't caught you yet
Got a little something
special by the TV set
Good news Hey, Santa
Cashews and pecans
Hooray, hosanna
Santa can't resist
those mixed nuts
Chick-peas, split peas
chestnuts, Chinese
Pine nuts, peanuts
and pistachios
No nog, no turkey
Just beer nuts and beef jerky
Tastes good So salty
With something cold and malty
All the fellas at work
say I'm out of my mind
But if I stay awake
I'm gonna get you this time
Good news Hey, Santa
Cashews and pecans
Hooray, hosanna
Santa can't resist
those mixed nuts
Acorns, almonds
Barcelona, Amazons
Black Carpathians,
Giant Macadamia
I wake up kind of dimly
See a boot
scootin' up the chimney
Jump up and try to pull it
Disappears
faster than a bullet
Six empty jars
layin' on the floor
Next Christmas Eve
there'll be ten times more
Good news Hey, Santa
Cashews and pecans
Hooray, hosanna
Santa can't resist
those mixed nuts
Good news Hey, Santa
Cashews and pecans
Hooray, hosanna
Santa can't resist
those nuts