Monkey Business (1952) Movie Script

Not yet, Cary.
Not yet, Cary.
- Barnaby, you have the key.
- Ah?
Well, look for it, darling.
Look in this first pocket.
That's usually where you hide it.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, but I didn't hide it.
I put it there so I could find it.
Here it is.
Would you turn on the porch light
and turn off that hall light?
Close the door and
be sure that it's locked...
and I'll start the car.
I understand.
Oh, it's you.
Come on in.
- Barnaby.
- Huh?
- We're going to a dance.
- Oh, yes.
And we're going to be late
if we don't hurry.
Oh, yeah.
Now, let's start all over again.
You've got your key.
- Mm-hmm.
- No, it's in that pocket.
Oh, that's right.
I put it there on purpose.
And you're going
to turn the porch light on...
and the hall light off...
and then you're going
to lock the door.
- Right.
- Now, come along, darling.
- Barnaby, are you thinking?
- Hmm? Hmm?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's pretty dark in here,
isn't it?
That's better.
What are you thinking about?
Oh, it's the test
we made in the lab today.
They proved that only
23% of the formula...
is being assimilated.
Oh, the formula.
Yeah. Well, you know
what that means.
That-That means that
73% is absolute waste.
What happened to the rest of it?
No, no. Not 73, 77.
What did I say?
- Seventy-seven.
- Well.
I guess that's why
it's having so little effect...
on those chimpanzees
we're experimenting with.
We've been giving it to them
for over two months now.
Well, it certainly hasn't done
what it should have done.
I thought
it was doing rather well.
No, no.
No, that's the trouble.
It isn't doing well at all.
What about that one monkey
you told me about?
- Oh, you mean Rudolph.
- He's pretty old, isn't he?
Well, Rudolph's about...
Well, he's about the equivalent
of 84 years old in a human.
Well, didn't the formula
cure his rheumatism?
Didn't it make his coat
much glossier?
- Didn't you say he felt a lot better?
- Well, in a way.
Well, then,
what do you expect?
Well, it isn't what
it should be, Edwina.
What must it be before
you're satisfied with it?
Theoretically, it should have
a much greater effect.
I've just got to find a way
to make it more easily assimilable.
- Huh?
- Assimilable? Assi...
- More easily assimilated.
- Oh, yeah.
I thought I had a good idea
at the front door just now.
I guess I just thought I had it.
Anyway, it's gone.
- Well, it'll come back to you.
- I doubt it.
It'll come back to you.
That's the trouble
about being a chemist.
You know,
you can't actually think.
Every now and then...
you feel compelled to sit
and stare at a sheet of paper...
hoping it'll speak to you,
but it never does.
Oh. Is that a new dress?
Oh, I like that.
Let me see it.
I like the way it sticks out.
- Or is that you?
- Well, you ought to know.
It isn't you.
You ought to be going
somewhere in a dress like that.
Yeah. Well,
I'm glad you like it.
Holy smokes.
We forgot all about the party.
Why didn't you remind me?
- We're not going.
- Why not?
Well, we're not going
for a number of reasons.
One: When I dance with you,
I want to dance with all of you.
I don't want your brain
to be somewhere else.
I know.
You're not very often
the absent-minded professor...
but, darling, when you are,
you're a real zombie.
Yeah, I admit it.
And I don't want people
to see you like that.
Now, go on.
Sit down and relax
and be brilliant.
- You know, you're all right.
- How do you like your eggs?
How did eggs get in
to the conversation?
You're hungry, aren't you?
I'll fix you something to eat...
and call Hank and tell him
we're not coming.
- Did you telephone Hank?
- Mm-hmm. He wasn't in.
- I left a message.
- Oh.
Don't tell me you've solved
the formula already.
No. No, I've had my mind
on other things.
You've been looking forward to going
to this party for a month, haven't you?
Now, darling, we're not
even going to discuss it.
I know that.
I was just thinking.
It's queer about people.
What about people?
Through no fault of their own,
they get older.
- Now, that's a profound remark.
- No, they do get older.
- Something happens to them.
- Are you referring to me, Barnaby?
No, I was thinking of
the human race as a whole.
Pretty sad group.
Would you get me
some soup plates, darling?
If you don't think
the human race undergoes...
certain morbid changes
as it matures...
I ask you to recall the night
of the Everett Winston party.
I don't recall any
Everett Winston party.
Do you remember
our honeymoon?
- Of course I do, darling.
- I was hoping you would.
Well, the week after we got back
from our honeymoon...
the Everett Winstons
invited us to a party.
I'm sorry, darling,
but I don't remember going.
We didn't go.
We didn't?
Oh, yes.
Now I remember.
We stayed home.
Just like tonight.
You know, Edwina,
that's what I'm talking about.
We stayed home from that party
for an altogether different reason.
Tonight we're staying home
for an intellectual reason.
I remember we didn't want
to share each other with anyone.
You were so sweet.
Remember how the telephone
kept ringing...
for hours and hours and hours?
I'll get it.
Aw. You see what I mean?
Tonight we're answering calls.
- Hi, Hank.
- Hi.
Say, what's this message
about not going out tonight?
- That's right.
- Why?
Sometimes there are things
more important than going to a dance.
Oh, the genius
at work again, huh?
I'm glad I'm a lawyer
and not a chemist.
- Where is he?
- He's in the kitchen.
I've got a few things
to say to him.
This has happened
just once too often.
Now, look here, double dome.
What's the idea of doing
something tonight...
you can do
just as well tomorrow?
I'll get you a drink.
You'll feel better.
Why can't you
be a genius before sundown...
and a human being afterward?
Because I never know in advance
when I'm going to be a genius.
Here's your drink.
You can't call off a date
at the last minute...
when your wife's got a new dress
and I've booked a table.
It just doesn't make sense.
No, I don't suppose it does.
What are you doing?
Nothing, dear.
I think you'd better sit down.
Huh? What for?
Do as I tell you,
and you'll see what I mean.
I see what you mean.
And now neither one of you
are making sense.
No. I think
Mr. Entwhistle is disturbed...
because he can't take you
to the party tonight...
and dance all over your feet
as he did the last time.
I certainly didn't reserve
a table and order flowers...
just to look at your face.
I don't suppose you did.
Sit down, have your soup
while Hank drinks his drink.
And be careful. It's very hot.
Is it all right now?
I can only tell you,
Mrs. Fulton...
if you'd have been smart enough
to marry me instead of this...
you wouldn't be
in a kitchen cooking.
No? Where would
she be cooking? Mmm!
- Barnaby, did you burn yourself?
- I hope he did.
- Darling, I told you it was hot.
- Don't worry. He has no feelings.
Here, eat some bread. Quickly.
Darling, say something.
- Heat.
- I know. Blow on it.
Heat. Just ordinary heat.
I never thought of it.
Heat could make the formula
100% effective.
Darling, I think you solved
the problem for me.
- Do you really think so?
- I'm almost sure.
Hank, do you know
what just happened?
He burned his mouth.
No, silly. He just solved
our whole future.
If your whole future depends on figuring
out that a plate of soup is hot...
Hey, now, wait a minute.
Tell him, darling.
I've been promised a pretty good job
if I can make this formula work.
No more commercial assignments.
No more working on nonskid girdles
or noiseless popcorn bags.
- No fooling?
- Yes, a roving commission.
Select my own field of research.
Exchange ideas with professors all
over the world, including a percentage.
That's fine. It seems to me
a celebration is in order.
No reason to stay home
from the yacht club party now.
No. Except we're gonna stay home
from the Everett Winston party.
Everett Winston left town
three years ago.
We're staying home from his party.
But you can't stay home
from a party if you...
- Your phone's ringing.
- Yes, I know.
- Shall I answer it?
- No, just let it ring.
- That's important, isn't it?
- It's very important.
You two are way beyond me.
Please convey our regrets
to the Everett Winstons.
And say we're very sorry.
The language is confusing,
but the actions are unmistakable.
Good night, you two.
- Just a moment, please.
- Good morning.
Oh, Dr. Fulton, Mr. Oxly would like
to see you in his office.
Thank you.
- Good morning, Dr. Fulton.
- Good morning.
Aren't you here early?
Oh, yes. Mr. Oxly's been
complaining about my punctuation.
So I'm careful
to get here before 9:00.
Mr. Oxly's on the telephone.
Won't you sit down?
I'm glad we have a moment.
I have something
I want to show you.
For instance?
- Isn't it wonderful?
- I beg your pardon?
The new non-rip
plastic stockings you invented.
Oh. The N4-1 Acetate Project.
This is an experimental pair,
the first pair out of the factory.
- Aren't you proud?
- Turned out rather well.
I'll say. You can't tear 'em
or snag 'em or anything.
- I'm familiar with the product.
- No matter how hard you try.
- You'd be amazed, Doctor.
- Oh, no, I wouldn't be amazed.
I've done a lot of experimenting
with this kind of thing.
Of course, I'm through
with all of that now.
Uh, Mr. Oxly. Dr. Fulton's here.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning. You can come in now.
- Thank you.
- If you're not too busy.
Well, Miss Laurel
was just showing me her acetates.
- Yes. Uh, no calls, please.
- Yes, sir.
- Barnaby, I want to talk to you.
- Yes, sir.
I'm very much interested
in this new experiment of yours.
As a matter of fact,
I'm all steamed up about it.
How's it coming?
Our problem is to increase
the efficiency of the formula.
Could be quite a thing,
you know.
I stumbled onto something
last night that may be of help.
Well, that's good news.
Oh, I wanted you to see
the advertising layout.
I want your opinion.
We jumped the gun on it a little,
but I thought we'd better be ready.
Well... Well, why B-4?
B-4, as in,
"before and after."
Emphasizes the youth angle.
Get it?
What's the vulture doing?
That's a phoenix,
a mythical bird...
rising out of the ashes of age.
Makes the youth point again.
Dignified, yet forceful.
Do you mind a comment?
Not at all.
I'd welcome it.
- I think it's appalling.
- From what point of view?
Well, it's lurid and inaccurate.
It implies that we're going
to offer the public...
some sort
of"fountain of youth" drug.
But wouldn't it
make people young?
Mr. Oxly, we're working
with a large number of ingredients...
each of which, as we know,
accomplishes certain beneficial results.
It depends on which combination
of those ingredients we use...
and the proportions
in which we use them.
Mathematically, we may never find
the right combination...
or the exact proportions to produce
the effect you're talking about.
- It would be a miracle.
- But you can do it, my boy.
I told you I didn't want any calls.
Mr. Oxly,
Dr. Linten's on the phone.
I told him you were busy,
but he says it's very important.
- Who is he?
- He's my new assistant.
Oh, yes.
Just a moment, Miss Laurel.
Find someone to type this.
- Oh, Mr. Oxly, can't I try again?
- No, it's very important.
Better find someone
to type it for you.
Yes, sir.
Anybody can type.
- Who did she say was calling?
- Dr. Linten.
Oh, yes.
Yes, Dr. Lintle?
I know he's not there.
Dr. Fulton is here with me.
Ye... What?
What sort of reactions?
Why, that's amazing!
We'll be right there.
Come along, Barnaby.
You've done better work than you know.
- Come along, Miss Laurel. It's amazing.
- What's amazing?
Dr. Whatchamacallit says
one of your monkeys broke loose.
We've got to hurry.
He's acting very strangely.
Obviously a reaction to your formula.
I knew you could do it, Barnaby.
I knew it.
I knew you could do it, Barnaby.
I knew it.
Be careful, Mr. Oxly.
The monkey's turned wild.
- Behave yourself.
- What happened, Jerome?
I haven't the slightest idea,
All I know that he's opened
the door of his cage...
and has been acting strangely.
Let go of him, gentlemen.
Let's see him in action.
No telling what
he's liable to do, sir.
Let go of him!
Look at that old chimp,
Miss Laurel.
Eighty-four years old.
Fourteen years older than I am.
- And just look at him.
- I am looking, Mr. Oxly.
This is incredible.
Now, Rudolph, you come down.
I don't understand this.
Have you been giving him stimulants?
Only the formula.
Only X-57, Doctor.
The test we made yesterday
gave no indication that...
Act your age!
What's the matter with you today?
- Rudolph, come down here!
- You're not acting like yourself.
This isn't like you.
Come on. Come on.
Now, come on, Rudolph.
Behave yourself. Come down here.
- That's better.
- What's he doing there?
That cage contains
our new female monkey.
By George. By George!
Come here. Mr. Oxly,
haven't you seen enough yet?
Come here.
Something's wrong.
Let me see if there's something
I can do with him.
- You're welcome to him.
- Now, Rudolph, you calm down.
Come on, Rudolph.
You behave yourself. That's better.
Be a good boy. Do as I tell you.
Come on down from there.
Come on. That's good.
Come along. Come along.
All right.
Calm down and sit there.
Let me look at you. Yes.
Well, gentlemen,
I think we've seen enough.
I'd like to consult
with Dr. Fulton alone.
Barnaby, if your formula
will have the same effect on humans...
it's the greatest thing
in modern science.
Sit down, Rudolph.
We intend to discontinue
every other product in our plant.
We'll turn out B-4
and nothing but B-4.
I'd like to offer myself
as the first human to try it.
Mr. Oxly,
that may be dangerous.
I'm perfectly willing
to take that chance.
This isn't Rudolph.
- What?
- No, no, no.
This chimpanzee
is only six months old.
Rudolph is a male.
This is a female.
- Barnaby, are you sure?
- Reasonably.
- She's wearing Rudolph's jacket.
- But this is Esther.
Here, hold on to Esther,
will you, please?
Look, I'll prove it to you.
Now, there's Rudolph
with Esther's number on.
I suppose the janitor gave them a bath
and switched jackets by mistake.
Yes, well, I suppose
that's the way it happened.
- I certainly feel let down.
- Personally, I'm glad it happened.
You're expecting too much
from that formula...
that B-4, Mr. Oxly.
Perhaps it's the name
that's confusing you.
If you'll just let me work in
the laboratory for a couple of hours...
I'll be better able to prove
what the formula will do.
Let me know when you're ready.
And let's have no more
of these false alarms.
They certainly
take it out of a man.
Come along, Miss Laurel.
What a ridiculous way
to start a day.
I hope it doesn't get any worse.
Sodium ascipate.
3,000 milligrams.
You keep quiet, Esther.
- Ooh!
- Don't you like the way I'm doing this?
- Molybdenum.
- Ah.
- Sodium molybdate.
- Yeah.
Let's see.
Four-tenths each dose.
Three doses would be
1,200 milligrams, right?
Two thousand milligrams
for the whole three doses?
Well, that about does it.
Now, Jerome, we will refrigerate
these factors and heat these.
These remain as is. We'll use
Dr. Miller's cooler and incubator.
Shall we label this
X-57 as usual?
No, X-58, and not B-4.
- Good morning.
- Oh, Gus.
Did the monkeys
take a bath this morning?
Is there one missing?
- No, no, Gus.
- Yes?
Did you bathe
the monkeys this morning?
Yes, of course. Sure.
- Well, you mixed up their uniforms.
- Oh, I did?
Oh, I'm awfully sorry, Doctor.
I'll fix them up right away.
You can do it when you
feed them this afternoon.
- But don't let it happen again.
- No, sir, I won't.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Oh, quiet down.
You've caused me
enough trouble already.
Heh! Grown-up men
playing with monkeys.
Mice, rabbits, guinea pigs.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Now monkeys.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
What's the matter?
Oh, my bursitis.
Well, that's one of the things
I hope the formula will alleviate.
- You intend to take it yourself?
- Certainly I do.
- Why not try it on Jerome?
- I wouldn't dare try it on Jerome.
You remember what happened
with the hair restorer?
Yes. One of our more
successful experiments.
Well, we learned
how to remove hair, anyway.
Let's talk about something else.
Hey, hey, hey.
How did you get out of there?
Huh? Listen, Esther or Rudolph,
whichever one you are.
Come on. You get
right back in your cage.
No, I'm not gonna
carry you. You walk.
Come on. What did you do,
getting out? Get back in.
Go on.
How'd you get out, anyway?
Gus. I thought you were
going to attend to that later.
Oh, I wasn't
changin' 'em, Doctor.
Esther got out,
and I was putting her back in her cage.
Oh, I guess that was my fault.
I forgot to close the lock.
Kinda messed
your stuff up there.
- I'll take care of it, Gus.
- All right.
Oh, don't bother with
anything now, Jerome.
I'm anxious to try this.
Seriously, Doctor,
you think you should take it?
Self-experimentation is against
the rules of all good research.
Jerome, the history of discovery...
is the history of people
who didn't follow rules.
Well, here goes.
To X-58
and a better world.
Gosh, that's bitter.
I've got to get some water.
Oh, that Gus.
Oh, it even makes
the water taste bitter.
Well, better put these away.
Theoretically, Doctor,
what might be the first reaction?
- I haven't the vaguest idea.
- What about the lag of time?
Depends upon
the period of absorption.
It's quite possible that...
Hmm, touch of dizziness.
And you have a slight flush.
That's probably due
to my natural excitement.
Hmm. Around 150.
Well, that's odd.
There's nothing in the mixture
that could accelerate the heart.
And you feel dizzy,
you said?
As a matter of fact,
I believe it's increasing.
Well, I'd better
record my reactions.
Pulse: 150.
Is that right?
Mounting vertigo.
No nausea.
A sensation not unlike...
a series of small
electric shocks.
- Jerome, Jerome, where are you?
- I'm here.
- What is it?
- I can't see. I'm blind.
- Please, go on with the notes.
- No, this is too serious.
Do as I tell you. There isn't time.
I know what I took.
If there's an antidote,
we'll have to find it ourselves.
Now, just take the notes.
It is like a cloud,
a very peculiar feeling.
General milkiness,
but no discomfort.
In fact, it's a sensation
of extreme well-being.
It's as if l...
Doctor, what is it?
A paralysis?
Can you speak?
Try tapping once for yes,
two for no.
Can you hear me?
Doctor, can you hear me?
Perfectly. Hand me
the telephone book, please.
- Whose number do you want?
- Let me have the book.
Drop Forge and Tool Company.
1065 West Hauser Avenue...
Inglewood West 60945.
It isn't possible.
It is possible, Jerome.
For the first time
in ten years...
I am able to see
without my glasses.
- Perfect vision.
- I can't believe it.
There. Now I'm blind again.
Fog, you see?
Now I can see again.
Doctor, X-58
seems to be a success.
Oh, indeed it does.
- I'll try my bursitis.
- Ooh!
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Not a twinge!
This is amazing.
Dr. Barnaby Fulton,
let me shake hands...
with the next Nobel Prize winner.
Pardon me.
My phone's running over.
Hello, Department of Water
and Power.
Which one would
you care to have cut off?
- Hello? Hello?
- Hello!
Oh, Barnaby, you sound as if
the formula was a success.
Did it go well?
Anybody giving a party
we can stay home from again tonight?
Oh, Barnaby.
No one I know of.
Oh, what a shame.
Then pour yourself into
that new dress, and we'll go celebrate.
All right. I'll be ready.
But don't forget
what you have to do.
- First, get a haircut.
- Haircut, yeah.
- And get a new suit.
- New suit, yeah.
Oh, and, darling,
stop by the automobile agency.
Mr. Peabody just called
and says he has a very good buy.
A good buy, eh?
Well, good-bye to you.
Oh, what a joke.
A real knee-slapper.
You do feel all right?
I'll get it.
Hello, Griffith Park Zoo.
Snake Department.
- Hello, hello. What is this?
- What do you want?
This is Mr. Oxly.
I'll see if he's here.
- No, I said, this is Oxly.
- Who is?
- I am, speaking.
- Oh, you're Mr. Speaking.
This is Mr. Oxly speaking.
Oxly Speaking.
Any relation to Oxly?
- Barnaby Fulton, is that you?
- Who's calling?
I am, Barnaby!
You're not Barnaby. I'm Barnaby.
I ought to know who I am.
- This is Oxly speaking, Barnaby!
- Well, now, that's ridiculous.
You can't be all three. Figure out
which one you are and call me back.
And I'm coming
right down there!
Coming right down...
all three of him.
What will you do?
What will you tell him?
- I won't be here.
- Where are you going?
- I've got things to do.
- What?
I've got to get my hair cut
and a new suit and car.
But Mr. Oxly will be furious.
What shall I tell him?
Just tell him the truth...
you don't know who he is.
I can't say that.
- Just keep your Bunsen burning.
- But, Doctor...
Where's Dr. Fulton?
I want to see him.
- He just left.
- I didn't pass him in the hall.
- He went through the window.
- Through the window?
What's this all about?
What's happened to the man?
He took some of the formula
and went out of here acting as though...
No, exactly as though
he were 20 years old.
By George. By George.
Do you know where he went?
- Yes, sir.
- Hello. Get me Miss...
Get me Miss Laurel, quick.
- Where did he go?
- To buy a new automobile, sir.
- What kind of car does he drive?
- A Ford.
Hello, Miss Laurel.
Now, listen carefully.
I want you to go to
every Ford agency in town...
and find Dr. Fulton.
But, Mr. Oxly,
what shall I do first?
He'll be at the agencies.
To find him,
you'll have to go there.
- Oh, I see, Mr. Oxly.
- And bring him back here.
Yes, sir.
Right away.
Well, Doctor, I cut it
the way you wanted me to.
- I hope Mrs. Fulton likes it.
- She will.
- What do you think?
- It fits rather well.
But are you sure
it's what you want, Dr. Fulton?
Tell me, do they ever
wear trousers to match?
Oh, very seldom.
Usually gray flannels.
I see.
Oh! These socks
ought to go well with it.
To be honest with you,
Dr. Fulton...
I don't think
either you or Mrs. Fulton...
are going to be happy
with this type of car.
It isn't exactly
what you had in mind.
Yeah, well, you're perfectly right.
Let's take off the fenders.
I'm sorry, we can't do that, Doctor.
It's against the state law.
Oh, it's too bad.
You don't happen to have
a beaver tail around, do you? L...
Hello, Miss Laurel.
Oh, hello, Dr. Fulton.
I'm so glad I found you.
No, I found you.
Pick a finger.
Dr. Fulton!
Oh, you know that one.
Oh, what a pity.
Mr. Oxly sent me.
He wants to see you right away.
Oh, well, hop in the bus.
I'll get you there in a hurry.
- Is this your car?
- Sure.
- Gee, it's a honey.
- It takes one to know one.
Oh, Mr. Peabody...
will you get that suit box
out of my old car, please?
Well, all set?
- Is your motor running?
- Is yours?
Here you are, Doctor.
Thank you, Mr. Peabody.
Just mail me the bill.
- Certainly.
- Takes a while to warm up.
It does me too.
Well, watch your head.
I'll watch everything else. Hoo!
Oh, Dr. Fulton,
this is fun.
What about Mr. Oxly?
The plant's back that way.
I know. We're going
to circle the field.
So fasten your safety belt
and no smoking.
- Oh, Doctor!
- Look and see if the flaps are down.
Well, Doc, she'll be
good as new by 5:00.
5:00? Oh, we can do
lots of things by then.
- Can't we?
- Sure, Doc.
- Come along.
- Do you skate much, Doc?
Not lately. But don't worry.
I'll show you how.
Look out, Doc!
Oh, I'm all right.
I'll get the hang of it soon.
I'm gonna be good. You wait.
Oh, my God! Whoa!
Doc, that's awful high.
Oh, no, not for me.
Well, everybody looking at me?
- How about some music?
- I'd love it.
You sure know how
to have a good time.
You know something?
I used to think you didn't like me.
- Just a minute.
- Do you like me a little?
- Just a minute.
- Well, say so.
- I like you.
- I'm crazy about you, Doc.
Oh, no, no. Wait.
Listen to this.
- Oh, that's dull...
- Don't you dare turn that off.
- That's our favorite song.
- Ours?
- Yeah. Edwina's and mine.
- Edwina?
- My wife.
- Oh.
# Gentlemen songsters
off on a spree #
- # Dewdrop #
- It sounds like a silly song to me.
Why must you say that?
In my opinion,
it's a silly song.
In my opinion, your opinion that
it's a silly song is a silly opinion.
- Is it getting dark?
- No, not particularly.
What's the matter?
Must be something
wrong with my eyes.
Is there anything
I can do, Doctor?
No, no, no.
It's just, I can't see very well.
- Please don't be angry with me.
- Oh, I'm not angry.
Because I would...
Why did you yell?
- Don't be mad at me.
- Oh, I'm not mad.
Tell me, is the plant
along here somewhere?
Would you please tell me
where to turn?
Turn right.
- Turn, Doctor, turn!
- Now?
Yes, turn! Turn!
- Doctor!
- Are you all right, Miss Laurel?
- I told you to turn.
- Yes, yes, I know.
I'm terribly sorry,
but I'm afraid I can't see.
Would you be good enough
to park the car for me, please?
- Sure, I will.
- Thank you.
Hello, Mrs. Fulton.
Good evening, Joe.
Thanks for calling me.
- Is the doctor in his office?
- Yes, ma'am.
When I went to tell him
you were coming, he'd gone to sleep...
so I didn't wake him up.
Does Mr. Oxly know
that the doctor's come back?
Yes, ma'am.
He said he'd be down.
Thank you, Joe.
Who is it?
It's me, darling.
Oh, hello, Edwina.
I can't see you.
- Where are your glasses?
- Let me think.
I left them in the lab.
Jerome probably put them someplace.
I'll find them for you.
Oh, here they are.
- Whew!
- Barnaby.
Are you sure you're
all right? Here.
Oh. I'm just a little fuzzy.
What time is it?
It's almost 8:00.
Oh, no.
It's that late?
Oh, I've done it again.
We were going out for dinner.
I've already had dinner,
but I've brought some for you.
Edwina, I'm terribly sorry.
I wouldn't have...
I know you wouldn't
have, darling.
- Where did you get the poodle?
- Poodle?
Don't tell me
I bought a poodle.
- The haircut.
- Oh, yeah, that, that. Oh, yeah.
That's quite a jacket
you bought too.
Yeah, I know.
Wait till you see
the car I got.
- No, what kind?
- You'll see it soon enough.
Darling, you were a real idiot to try
the formula on yourself.
- Something could have happened.
- Oh, it did.
I mean, something serious.
Here, have some coffee.
Thank you. Oh. Oh, I strained
every muscle in my body.
Don't tell me you
went roller-skating.
I'm afraid I did.
And your face is breaking out
with red blotches.
Oh, they're not blotches, dear.
That's lipstick.
Yeah. Edwina, what I have to tell you
is unbelievable.
Yes, it is unbelievable
on roller-skates. Hmm, what balance.
Well, I wasn't
on roller-skates all afternoon.
No. You'll never
believe what I did.
- I broke records.
- Huh?
You'd have been amazed.
I wish you could've been there.
I wish I had been too.
I did things that
I never dreamed I'd do.
You know,
I tried to swan-dive.
I missed.
Well, no wonder
you're worn out.
Barnaby, all of this
is very confusing.
- What about the formula?
- That's what I was telling you about.
- Oh. Oh!
- I'll start at the beginning.
At 11:52 this morning...
I took a dose of the formula,
and in a few minutes...
I began to behave exactly
like a college boy...
with 20/20 vision
and no bursitis.
And plenty of lipstick.
Uh... Well, the formula
had nothing to do with that.
I'll get to that later.
Edwina, we've
discovered something...
that the human race has been searching
for since the beginning of time.
Are you really serious, Barnaby?
It works?
Well, it did on me.
Of course, I can't
explain the reactions.
It seems to work on the mind.
Edwina, imagine:
People never aging.
It sounds frightening.
You mean, it really does that?
Well... Of course,
I don't know half of what it'll do.
The dose I took
has already worn off.
Let's see,
that was eight hours.
Oh. Probably,
the dose was wrong.
- Well, we'll see.
- Hey, where are you going?
I'm going to try
the experiment again...
but this time
with a larger dose.
Huh? Oh!
Switch on the light,
will you, please, dear?
Must you make
another test?
Oh, probably several.
I'm glad you're here to see
that nothing goes wrong this time.
I want you to observe
and make notes of everything I do.
Knowing me so well,
you'll be able to interpret...
the exact meaning
of my behavior pattern.
Don't you think you ought to
change that coat...
and wipe that stuff off your face
before you try it again?
- Oh, yes. Perhaps you're right.
- Whose lipstick is it?
Uh, what's-her-name's...
you know, Oxly's secretary.
Oh. You mean,
that little pinup girl?
- Very cute.
- Sort of, but half infant.
Not the half that's visible.
Well, she's not my type.
Barnaby, how much
of this stuff are you going to take?
Just what I've poured out there.
I've increased the dose.
See, that way, I'll be...
Edwina, what are you doing?
What did you do that for?
'Cause this is
the way it should be.
After all, you're the scientist,
and you should do the observing.
- But...
- Don't argue.
Go get your notebook.
I've done it.
Oh, it tastes bitter.
Get me some water.
Oh, now, really, Edwina.
For heaven's sake.
according to your story...
you weren't exactly
100% scientist after you took it.
Other things became
much more interesting.
Perhaps you're right.
Oh. Even the water
tastes bitter.
It did to me too.
I'm a little bit frightened.
- I'm here, dear.
- It's kind of silly, isn't it?
I'll take care of you.
I don't feel anything.
- Is it supposed to work right away?
- Just a few moments.
Would you
clean off your face?
Because if I get ten years younger
and see that lipstick...
I'm liable to knock
somebody's block off.
Yes, dear.
Barnaby, is it true
about B-4?
I've just heard the most fantastic
things about you. Does it work?
You'll have a chance to judge
for yourself quite soon, Mr. Oxly.
My wife just took
50 CCs of the formula.
By George, by George.
Dr. Brunner and Miss Laurel
are on their way.
Leave word they are
to come here immediately.
Mrs. Fulton, it's very kind of you
to lend yourself to this experiment.
Thank you, Mr. Oxly.
Well, we have to watch
your reactions, darling.
Yes, I suppose so.
Now I know how
a poor little guinea pig must feel.
- May I sit down?
- Yes, dear.
Don't just stand there.
Do something.
Yes, dear.
Pulse around 150,
just the same as mine was.
There doesn't seem
to be any fever.
Outside of being somewhat embarrassed,
I feel exceedingly well.
What reaction do you
expect, Barnaby?
I don't quite know.
I suppose it depends
upon the individual.
With you, it took the form
of thinking as though you were 20.
Oh, it's true.
Keep still, Edwina.
What was Mrs. Fulton like
at that age?
Well, Edwina was a very
serious-minded student.
She majored in economics...
and took several summer courses
in ichthyology and cooking.
- Ichthyology?
- Mmm, the study of fish.
Jerome said your first symptom
was your eyes.
Your vision became perfect.
True, but you can't
count upon that.
See, Edwina's vision
is already perfect.
It will probably take
an entirely different form.
My dear, do you feel
anything strange?
Not a thing.
How about you, Mr. Oxly?
Oh, but I haven't
taken anything.
Oh, yes, you have,
Mr. Oxly.
Hear that, Barnaby?
A rather odd reaction.
Undoubtedly, we can expect
something soon.
- We certainly can.
- She's sitting very still.
Is it possible there's not
enough movement?
If there isn't,
there soon will be.
I can hardly wait for the results.
This is quite a moment.
That's it, Oxly!
Watch him, Barnaby! It's working!
It's working. You hear
what she said, Barnaby?
It's taking effect.
- Something wrong, Barnaby.
- What's the matter, sir?
I don't know.
Perhaps the excitement's
been too much for you.
Perhaps you ought to sit down, Mr. Oxly.
Calm yourself, Mr. Oxly.
Now, take your time,
Mr. Oxly.
That's better.
Take your time and sit down.
Oh, my.
# Oh, my
Give me a piece of pie #
# E-I
Give me a piece of pie #
- We ought to go now.
- # E-I, give me a piece of pie #
- We ought to go. Yes.
- # E-I, give me a piece of pie #
- Barnaby, what are you doing?
- I'll be right back.
# E-I
Give me a piece... ##
Hi, Dr. Fulton.
- Hi.
- What did you say to her?
Mrs. Fulton, he said "hi."
I heard what he said,
you peroxide kissing bug.
Edwina, she hasn't
done anything.
I'll pull that blonde hair
out by its black roots.
Edwina, now come along.
Miss Laurel, keep out of the way.
- Put 'em up! Put 'em up!
- Edwina, now stop it.
- Mr. Oxly, I'll be right back.
- Put 'em up! Put 'em up!
Wasn't that fun?
Did ya see him jump?
I put a fish in his trousers.
- Let's go back and have more fun.
- I don't think we'd better.
- Why not? Where are we going?
- Anywhere.
- Let's go dancing.
- Edwina...
All right, we'll go dancing.
Anything you say.
Oh, is this our new car?
- I'm afraid it is.
- Hey, that's super-duper.
- Oh, you like it?
- Oh, boy, yes!
Hey, why don't you let me drive.
You get over there, huh?
I know.
We'll go dancing
at the Pickwick Arms.
Pickwick Arms?
Yeah, that's in La Jolla.
Don't you remember?
Of course I remember.
Room 304, where we
spent our honeymoon.
All that way?
Yeah, we'll stop by the house
and get some things.
- Won't it be fun?
- Just to go dancing?
Edwina, I put the bags
in the car.
We can keep your coat
on the...
Barnaby, do you think
this is too conservative?
- Well, l...
- What do you think?
- Well, l...
- Say something.
- Well, l...
- Glad you like it.
I'm gonna drive.
You're too slow.
How do you work this?
Oh, yes. Like that.
Oh, Barney, it's gonna be
our honeymoon night all over again.
- With no hands!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Honeymoon with no hands.
Yeah. Sure.
Aren't you excited?
Yes, of course, dear,
but there's no hurry about it.
Wouldn't you like to slow down
so that we can talk?
Who wants to talk?
Well, Edwina,
I have to test your reactions.
Oh, Barney!
Oh, it's wonderful to have
the wind in your hair...
and watch
the moon and the stars...
- And the road!
- Oh, the road.
Evening, sir.
- Oh, good evening.
- Would you like to register?
Yes, please.
Do you have a small suite
overlooking the ocean, please?
- Uh, yes, sir.
- Thank you.
- Psst! Psst!
- I beg your pardon?
- Psst!
- Oh.
- Is room 304 vacant?
- Yes.
- That's the bridal suite, you know.
- Yes, I know.
Oh, yeah.
Could you please leave word
that we're not to be disturbed?
Yes, sir.
- 304.
- Come along, dear.
- Thank you very much.
- Yes, indeed.
- Thank you very much.
- Yes, indeed.
Edwina, dear.
Barney, listen to that.
Let's not waste time.
Let him take the bags
on up to the room.
Darling, it's 11:00.
I've had a very rough day.
- Oh, Barney, you promised.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Just put the keys in the room,
bring me the bags, and I'll...
#We're poor little lambs #
#Who have lost
our way #
# Baa... #
Barney. Barney, don't go to sleep.
This is our song.
Oh. Yes, dear.
#We're little black sheep #
#Who have gone astray #
- Barney?
- Hmm?
Every time I hear it,
it makes me feel...
Darling, I could never be mad
or unhappy when I hear it.
I just want to be near you.
Yes, dear.
Barney, waltz, waltz, waltz.
Yes, dear.
Oh, no! No!
Oh, oh,
come on, Edwina.
There you go.
Get up, Edwina.
Get up, Edwina.
Now, Edwina...
Get up, Edwina.
Get up.
Help me up.
Whee, that was fun!
Barney, try it.
- I wouldn't think of it.
- Come on, try it.
Oh, there it is.
- Listen to me. Please, dear.
- Here we are.
Oh, I know where the key is.
It's here. You usually keep it here.
- Oh.
- Right there. See?
- Okay, here we go.
- Really?
Open the door.
Edwina, aren't you beginning
to feel tired at all?
Not a bit. Why?
Do you wanna go someplace?
Oh, no, no, no.
No, I was thinking, you know.
L- I should make a few tests,
check your blood pressure and heart.
Oh, Barnaby.
Not tonight.
Uh, Edwina, in making such
an experiment...
it's always
good to make as few...
- Barney.
- What?
Are you sure
you really love me?
Well, of course I do, dear.
Whatever made you ask
such a question?
Well, it just occurred to me.
Now, does that
answer your question?
You know, I love you so much
it makes me dizzy.
- Really?
- Mmm.
- When did that start?
- First time I ever met you.
No, no.
I mean the dizziness.
Oh, I don't know.
This is our honeymoon night,
and that's all I care to think about.
Yes, dear.
Barney. Barney?
What are you going to do?
Oh, I was just going
to put on my pajamas.
Well, uh, uh...
don't you think you'd
better change in there?
What for?
Well, uh, well,
that-that's all right.
I'll... I'll take my things
in the bathroom.
For heaven's sake.
I'll only be a few minutes.
Hmm. Became suddenly shy.
I'd better put that down.
I'll just...
"Fifteen minutes to change.
Complete reversal
of usual behavior pattern."
Edwina, are you all right?
Yes, darling.
I'll be out in a second.
Oh. Good.
Oh, Barney, I'm so happy.
What's the matter?
Well, what's the matter, darling?
Why are you crying?
I can't help it.
Well, is it because
of something I said or did?
Well, what is it then?
I was just thinking.
What about?
Oh, Mother.
Now I understand.
No, you don't.
Well, what is it then?
Oh, I can't help of thinking
how she must be feeling tonight.
She never liked you.
Well, I must say
she doesn't try very hard, either.
I do everything I can
to please her.
How can you be
so insensitive?
She had such wonderful dreams
for me and my future.
Well, she can still
have them, can't she?
No, she can't.
She can't.
Edwina, we drove all the way
down here to enjoy ourselves...
and to pursue an important
scientific experiment at the same time.
Now let's not spoil it all
by having a silly quarrel about nothing.
Don't you call
my mother "nothing."
I didn't call
your mother "nothing."
Don't you raise
your voice to me.
I'm not raising my voice!
Hank Entwhistle
wouldn't fly into a rage...
just because a girl happened
to mention her mother.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
What's Hank Entwhistle
got to do with anything?
I only mentioned
Hank Entwhistle...
because my mother
was always very fond of him.
He knew how to please her.
There's something clinical
about the way...
you bring up the name
of Hank Entwhistle...
every time you get
annoyed with me.
Do you regret
not having married him?
Look who's talking!
What about Elvira Bliss?
Oh, for heaven's sakes. Elvira Bliss?
That was in grammar school.
I know.
She was the teacher.
And I suppose that Myra McKillip
was in grammar school too...
and Miriam Ingals...
whom you tried to teach
to play golf for three years!
Oh, yeah, that reminds me.
She's still got my putter.
And you dare speak
of Hank Entwhistle...
who only kissed me once.
He kissed you?
Well, that's something
you never saw fit to tell me before.
You kissed Hank Entwhistle?
- I never said that!
- Oh, for...
I said, he kissed me!
I never kissed him!
- You did say exactly that.
- I said nothing of the kind!
No, no!
My glasses.
- You struck me! You struck me!
- Oh, no, I didn't!
You horrible thing!
You brute!
- You get out of my room!
- You've really got to cut it out!
You get out of my room!
Oh, no. Edwina, now stop it.
Now, really.
Oh, Edwina, now this is ridiculous.
You know I can't see.
Edwina, please, let me in!
Do you realize that
I'm out here in the hall in a...
Oh, no, no.
Oh, no.
Edwina, something's
caught in the door.
Please, let me in.
Well, it's your own fault!
- Please, let me in!
- No.
Uh... Oh, my.
Well, if there's only some way
I can make you understand.
Oh, I know.
Edwina, dear, listen to me.
#We're poor little lambs #
#Who have lost our way #
# Baa baa baa ##
Edwina, are you there?
Edwina, please!
Now, Edwina, I can't
stay out here any longer.
Oh, well.
Oh, oh.
Oh, you unlocked the door.
Well, it's about time.
- Now, dear, if you'll just cooperate...
- Aah!
Help! Police!
There's a man!
Help! Police!
Oh, dear.
I wish I knew where
there was a telephone.
Oh, perhaps there's one in here.
Hmm. You'd think there'd
be a telephone somewhere.
No. Oh.
Oh, where am I?
Oh, let me in, Edwina.
Let me in.
The key's in the car, ma'am.
- All right. Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- How's that, mister? All right?
- Oh, yes, thank you.
Oh, my poor darling!
Oh, Edwina, is that you?
Darling, I've looked
everywhere for you.
- What are you doing here?
- Getting out of the laundry.
These two ladies were
kind enough to help me.
Thank you both very much.
I'll be all right now.
- We're glad to help.
- Anytime at all, mister.
I hope I don't do it again.
Barnaby, do you want to go
into the hotel and change?
Oh, no. Please, just take me
away from here.
- Take me home.
- Well, the car's right over here.
How did you get
in the laundry?
Well, I don't know.
I think I flew in.
Look out for the step.
But I didn't have my glasses.
Yes, I know.
I stepped on them.
- Here, you'd better put this on.
- What for?
- Because you might get cold.
- Oh.
That's it. There now.
Now get in.
Oh, it's... Huh.
Are you all right?
Yes, thank you, dear.
Are you?
Yes. The effects of the formula
have worn off.
Now don't talk.
Just relax, and try to get
some sleep on the way home.
Yes, dear.
- Darling?
- Hmm?
We're home.
Wake up.
Oh, good, good, good.
- Oh.
- I'll help you.
You know what? I just had such
a peculiar dream about Hank.
Was that true about
you kissing him?
- Not that it matters, of course.
- Darling, that's so silly.
Oh, I just remembered.
I did something terrible,
and I forgot to tell you.
- Who's that?
- Hold it.
- You get it?
- Yep.
- Dr. Fulton?
- Yes.
We're from the news.
We'd like a statement.
What about?
We had a call from your lawyer,
Mr. Entwhistle.
I do wish Hank wouldn't give out
statements to the press about my work.
- Give us the whole story, Doc.
- Barney, I think...
Darling, l-I can't be
impolite to the gentlemen.
I have nothing to say until
I've finished all of my experiments.
- Is there another woman?
- No, there's no other woman.
My wife has been
my only victim so far.
I'll have a much
better story for you...
when I've experimented
with ten or twenty others.
I'm not going to try it again
with human beings for a while.
- I'll stick to chimpanzees.
- Is that right?
Wait a minute, Barney.
You... You're talking about
two different things.
Well, what happened, Doc?
Did your wife raid your love nest?
Don't answer that, Barney.
You don't know what he means.
Don't try to protect him.
This is good for our side.
What are you doing here?
- Look out. Get inside.
- Don't do that, Mrs. Fulton.
- This is all the story I've got.
- That's all you're going to get.
What is the idea of making
statements to the press?
Don't try to pretend
you don't know the reason.
I tried to tell you out on the porch,
but you wouldn't...
You know the reason very well,
and don't pretend that you don't.
- It happened at the hotel last night.
- Keep your distance.
If you lay a hand on her,
you'll answer to me.
Hank, will you please
shut up and go home?
Barnaby, I've tried t...
- Well!
- Oh, no.
Edwina, Hank told me.
I expected you'd be
bruised and disfigured.
- But, Mother, you don't understand.
- What is everyone talking about?
You stay away from her,
you wife-beater!
Mother, it isn't what you think.
Now, it's all my fault.
- I won't let you forgive him.
- Hank, will you please shut up?
- Edwina, Hank's right.
- And you, too, Mother!
- As your lawyer and your friend...
- Hank, you are going.
- But it's my duty...
- You are just one too many.
- But you told me that...
- I know I did.
What is it you want me to do
if you don't want...
I'll telephone. Now go on.
Now listen here,
you two.
No. You listen to me.
I'm not going to let you
throw away the rest of your life.
Will you please tell me
what's been going on?
If you'll only give me...
Oh, I just knew something
like this would happen.
- Edwina, tell me what's...
- Quiet.
Mother, I've been playing
guinea pig for Barnaby...
trying a new formula.
And, under its influence,
I caused all this mess.
Oh. Oh, you...
You mean you telephoned Hank?
Yes, darling, l-I did that
last night after you left.
I'm terribly sorry,
but I couldn't help it.
Oh, well, I don't suppose
it was your fault, actually.
Oh, don't let him
dominate you again.
Do something, do anything,
but just don't...
- My-My dear mother-in-law.
- Yes?
Now, I have not lost my temper
with you for seven years.
Do not trifle with your luck.
Well, let's be
civilized about this.
Well, that's better.
Just mind your business and shut up!
Now will you drive me
to the plant, please, Edwina?
- Right away?
- Yeah, yeah.
As soon as I can
put on some clothes...
I'll try to salvage some of the wreckage
I seem to have made of our lives.
- Well, l...
- Mother, I think you'd better be quiet.
- Hello, Jerome.
- Well, good morning, Mrs. Fulton.
Doctor, I looked everywhere
for you last night.
Later, please, Jerome.
Right now I'd like to have
the laboratory to myself for a while.
Oh, yes.
Very well, Doctor.
Edwina, my spare glasses
are in the top drawer of the desk.
- Would you get them, please?
- Certainly, dear.
Here? Oh, yes,
here they are.
Darling, you're
acting rather stern.
Are you angry at me because
of what I did last night?
Edwina, now, I thought
this over very carefully...
and I've almost
come to a conclusion.
I'm thinking
of destroying the formula.
Destroying it?
So then you are angry.
Oh, I've been
in better moods.
Do you think you'd feel any better
if I fixed you some toast and coffee?
You haven't had any
breakfast yet, remember?
Yeah, thank you.
I'm starved.
Well, the coffee
and coffee pot are in there.
You can use this plug
thatJerome uses.
All right.
You know, l-I've decided
that the formula...
is the most dubious
discovery since itching powder...
and just about as useful.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
It cured your bursitis
and improved your vision.
And I must say,
it made you feel young.
I'm beginning to wonder
if being young...
is all it's cracked up to be.
The dream of youth.
We remember it as a time
of nightingales and valentines...
and what are the facts?
Maladjustment, near idiocy,
and a series of low-comedy disasters.
That's what youth is.
I don't see how anyone survives it.
- Now, Edwina?
- Hmm?
Tell me something,
because it's been bothering me.
- Yes, dear?
- Why did you want to divorce?
Oh, Barnaby. It wasn't me.
It was the formula.
You ought to understand that.
Oh, I understand it was
the formula that brought it out.
Brought what out?
Well, some subconscious
aversion to me.
Aversion to you?
Well, I love you,
you potato head.
How do I know there isn't
some buried resentment...
that you don't consciously realize?
Well, I certainly don't
consciously realize...
and I think that's pretty
rotten of you to say that.
Wait a minute.
What about the way you kept
bringing up Hank Entwhistle?
- Oh, bosh.
- Do you love him?
Now that is ridiculous.
I don't know.
You kissed him, didn't you?
You can't seem to get that
out of your mind, can you?
- No, I can't.
- Well, all right.
Are you in love with this,
um, whozits?
Of course not.
Well, you went smooching
with her on roller skates.
May I ask, what was your hidden aversion
or subconscious discontent...
or whatever it is
you want to call it...
that made you go playing
patty-cake with her all over town?
Doing a swan-dive,
acting like a...
Well, go on.
Oh, Barnaby.
Don't say anything, darling,
and I won't either.
We shouldn't be fighting...
having doubts
about our marriage.
- That isn't right.
- Well, that's just my point.
That's why I'm going
to destroy the formula.
Oh, now, really.
Are you crying?
Are you sure you wanna
throw away two years of hard work?
Yes, I am. But it's still
in my head, unfortunately.
I'm going to forget it.
It's too dangerous.
It's utterly unpredictable.
Oh, no. Now, please, please.
Don't use this water.
Can't you see the sign?
Just use the bottled water
out of the cooler.
And make plenty of coffee.
I need a lot this morning.
That's that.
This is Mr. Oxly.
Oh, Mr. Oxly,
Dr. Fulton's here in the plant.
He just came in with Mrs. Fulton.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, sir.
Well, how is Mrs. Fulton?
Is she behaving normally?
Well, she didn't try to hit me,
but she wasn't very polite.
- She said that...
- Never mind.
Now listen carefully, Miss Laurel.
I don't want them to leave.
Have the guards hold 'em
if they try to go.
- You understand?
- Yes, sir.
And notify the entire
board of directors...
that I want to see them in
the conference room immediately.
- I'll be right down.
- Yes, sir.
My, this is funny-tasting coffee.
It's bitter.
Yeah, I noticed it.
It's not the coffee.
It's the aftereffects of the formula.
Hmm. The formula.
What a fool I was to let you
take that stuff last night.
- Well, you couldn't help it.
- Hmm.
- Hey, that's your third cup.
- I know it.
That's your second cup,
isn't it?
- Yes.
- Good.
Supposing you'd taken an overdose?
- Perhaps I did.
- No, I mean a serious overdose.
You know,
it's perfectly logical to assume...
that you'd have
behaved even younger.
You remember
Mr. Oxly jumping around?
My, I'm going to be embarrassed
when I see him again. Hmm!
How young do you think
it could really make you...
if you drank a whole glassful?
Oh, I don't know.
Twelve, ten, five...
It might even turn you
into an infant.
I was just imagining you
not being able to talk...
or feed yourself even.
It could be very embarrassing.
Yeah, couldn't it be?
Well, you know that's just
about what could happen.
Ah! Ta-da. I'll get it.
Hello? Hi!
Hey, did you ever find the fish?
What'd you do with him?
Ha! Yeah, I'm keen.
He's here. Just a minute.
It's old Oxly.
What's on your mind?
Barnaby, could you and your wife
meet me right away?
We're just here drinking coffee.
- I'll be in the conference room.
- We'll be right there.
Put that back, please.
Put that back, please.
Any other orders, sir?
Going up.
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Good morning.
Dr. Fulton will be here shortly,
so please be seated.
We must act quickly.
You all know why you're here...
to negotiate with Dr. Fulton
for his formula.
As far as money goes,
I say all out, and hang the expense.
Yes, but as chairman
of your board of directors...
I want to point out that Fulton
made his discovery on our time.
I've got bad news for you, G.J.
We do not have the formula.
- What?
- Last night, Dr. Lentil...
- Dr. Linten.
- Dr. Linten, Dr. Fulton's assistant...
brought me a dose
of the formula, and I took it.
I can't tell you with what eagerness
I awaited the results...
but there were none.
No reactions at all.
The formula that Dr. Thingamabob
brought me is incomplete.
Now, there must be
another ingredient...
that he knows nothing about.
Dr. Fulton has made
no record of it...
and there's nothing in his notes
to tell us what it is.
And without that ingredient,
we are helpless.
Failure to keep complete records is
against every rule of this organization.
Fulton knows that.
He's been an employee for ten years.
Failure may not have
been intentional.
- Fulton was not himself yesterday.
- No, definitely not.
Well, let's hope he's himself now.
There's no doubt about it.
We are now dealing with
a sane and adult scientist...
and I anticipate no difficulties.
All right, Oliver, go ahead
if you want to. It's up to you.
I wonder what's keeping them.
- Doctor, would you mind taking a look?
- Yes, sir.
Hmm. Uh...
Oh, Barnaby, Mrs. Fulton,
come on in.
Uh, what's the matter?
No. Come on in.
Mrs. Fulton,
forget all about last night.
- I assure you I have. Come in.
- Yes, yes.
You fellows are always
experimenting, aren't you?
I believe you know
everybody here.
Yes. Come on.
There you go.
- Take a seat.
- Thank you.
Make yourself comfortable.
Oh, Mrs. Fulton,
won't you sit over here?
Do I have to?
- No.
- I wanna sit here.
All right.
Barnaby, I think I speak
for everyone here...
when I say that I consider you
one of the great men of modern science.
Now, I asked you
to come here today...
to discuss
the sale of your formula.
Our organization...
Our organization is ready
to offer you a block of stock...
the income from which is sufficient
to keep you and Mrs. Fulton...
to keep you and Mrs. Fulton
in comfort for the rest of your lives.
Now the question is,
how much cash do you want?
I said, how much cash
do you want?
How much?
- Name any amount.
- A zillion dollars.
- What?
- How much did he say?
- What?
- How much did he say?
A zillion dollars.
That's a million trillion.
- By George, he's taken it again!
- Obviously.
Look here, Fulton.
Your discovery was our property
in the first place.
- Now take it easy.
- We don't have to give you a cent.
Oh, I wish I had a nickel.
Fulton, I'll blackball you
out of the chemical industry!
- You're talking to a child, G.J.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- He's no child.
- Oh, what you said. Put 'em up!
Here, give me something.
Knock that off my shoulder.
Barnaby, when we get mad,
we don't fight, do we?
- Yes, we do.
- They didn't teach you that in school.
Well, who care...
Hello, Dr. Fulton.
- Did you come to play with me?
- No. I came to tell Mr. Oxly...
Never mind, Miss Laurel.
I think you'd better go.
No, no, no. I want her
to stay and play with me.
Well, if I let her stay...
will you tell me the missing
ingredient in your formula?
- Yes, yes!
- All right, go ahead.
'Well, well. All right,
now-now say "terrify."
- Terrify.
- Now say "tissue."
- Tissue.
- Now say them both fast together.
- Terrify tissue.
- No!
- How dare you!
- Oh, goody, goody!
- Why, Miss Laurel...
- Really, Mr. Ox...
- But I don't...
- Don't you do that. Oh! You too!
I did it! I pinched her!
I shot her!
Oh, now you've
spoiled everything!
Did you see her run?
She's a scaredy-cat!
Now, little girl, you stop it!
Hear me? Stop it!
Now you come over here.
You sit in that chair
and behave yourself.
- You understand? Behave yourself!
- Yes, sir.
Now, Barnaby?
- Barnaby? Barnaby, where are you?
- He's under the table.
Barnaby, what are you
doing under there?
Tickling Esther.
Now come on out.
I wanna talk to you.
I don't wanna talk anymore.
G.J., we're dealing
with a ten-year-old.
We've got to humor him.
There's no other way.
If you say so, Oliver.
Well, come on down here and help me!
Don't just stand there!
Barnaby, I want to talk to you.
- Want to tickle Esther? She likes it.
- No, no, no, no, no.
How would you like to have...
a nice gold watch
and chain all your own?
- Oh.
- Would you like that, Barnaby?
- I've got one.
- But not like this one.
No, no, I don't want it.
Well, would you like
a new bicycle or a pony?
How would you like that?
What do I have to do for it?
All you have to do is to tell us
what was the ingredient...
that you put in the formula.
Oh. Oh.
Well, you promised me
a zillion dollars and a nickel.
- We'll give you a zillion dollars.
- And a nickel.
And-And a motorboat,
and-and-and a new pony.
- Yes, how would you like that?
- When?
Just as soon as you tell us
what the ingredient was...
you added to the formula.
Oh, that's simple.
I just added...
Oh! Now look what...
Barnaby! Barnaby!
Aren't you gonna tell us, Barnaby?
- What you wanna write that for?
- Because it's true, true!
- It isn't, and you're gonna erase it!
- I won't!
Barnaby, you promised
to give us the ingredient!
- You can't make me!
- Yes, I will!
- Barnaby!
- Head her off!
- You big bully! I'll tell my mother!
- Stop her, somebody!
- Barnaby, you can't catch me!
- Why don't you help me catch her?
- If we catch her, will you tell us?
- Sure!
- Somebody, stop her there! Catch her!
- Stop! King's X!
- What was it?
- Heat!
I heated the mixture
to 150 degrees Fahrenheit!
By George, we've got it!
No fair! No fair!
- Now I got you. Go on, erase it.
- No, I won't!
- Yes, you erase it!
- You hurt me! Let go!
You big crybaby!
You erase it and... Aah!
Esther, what are you
doing up there?
- Come down here this instant.
- Mr. Oxly, they're getting away!
Let 'em go, Doctor.
You heard what he said.
We got what we wanted.
That's all that matters.
- We've got to be sure.
- Don't bother me now. I'm busy.
Esther, come here now!
G.J., we're standing on the brink
of a new world and the new...
- What is it you want?
- I heated the formula I gave to you...
Get that monkey down from there!
What'd you say?
I heated the formula
I gave to you last night.
- It didn't do a...
- He's fooled us again!
Well, don't stand there!
Go and catch him!
Run after him! Go on!
Get a policeman! Get two policemen!
When are you gonna
stop tagging after me?
When I want to.
- Why don't you go play with girls?
- Why can't I play with you?
I don't want you to,
that's why. Oh!
- Barnaby Fulton, I don't like you.
- Then go away.
I will not. So there.
Then don't go away.
I'll tell my mother.
Here's one for your mother.
I'll tell Hank Entwhistle.
Here's two
for Hank Entwhistle.
Oh, now look
what you've done!
- I'm gonna tell Hank Entwhistle!
- Hey!
Leave that paintbrush here!
He's gonna be sorry
for what he did.
Very, very sorry.
I'm gonna call
Hank Entwhistle.
That's what I'll do.
I'll call Hank.
Hmm! Hmm!
I wanna speak to
Hank Entwhistle, please.
- You mean Mr. Entwhistle?
- That's what I said.
- Yes, ma'am.
- I'll show him. I'll...
- Hello?
- Hello, Hank?
- This is Edwina.
- Oh, hello, Edwina.
Would you come over
to my house right away?
What's the matter?
It's Barnaby.
He threw a whole bucket
of paint all over me!
- What did you do?
- I didn't do a thing.
- Hmm!
- He must've gone mad.
I don't ever wanna
see him again.
Edwina, are you gonna go through
with it this time and really leave him?
Yes, I'm going to go away.
Far, far away.
- Hmm!
- I'm gonna go away and...
Hello? Hello, Edwina?
Edwina, what's the matter?
Huh? Oh.
I don't know.
I just suddenly feel very sleepy.
That's shock, Edwina.
I saw a lot of it in the army.
Now just lie down and keep warm,
and it'll go away in a few minutes...
and I'll be right over.
- Good-bye.
- Hmm, hmm, hmm!
So he's comin' over here, huh?
Hmm, hmm, hmm!
What'll I do to him?
That's what I'll do. I'll get my gang.
I'll scalp him! Scalp him.
Hank Entwhistle.
You wait till you see
what I do to him. Ha!
I'll scalp him, that's what
I'm gonna do. Scalp him.
Oh, ra!
Ra, ra!
Big chief.
Big chief. I'll fix him.
I'll show him.
- Why, Dr. Fulton!
- Shh!
I'm just getting this
to scalp a man.
- What are you...
- Shh!
The things
some people think of.
- Morning, Mrs. Brannigan.
- Morning.
- You gonna be here for a while?
- Yeah, I should be another hour or so.
Would you mind watching Johnny?
I have to go to market,
and it's too much trouble to drag him.
- Sure, I'll watch him for you.
- I won't be long.
All right. What?
Come on, Johnny.
Here we go.
Here. Now, there's a nice
big yard for you to play in.
You all right? Okay.
What do you want us to do
with the bad man, Red Eagle?
Yeah, Red Eagle.
Tell us.
Well, first we stop his car
and then capture him.
Then what do we do with him?
- Let's tie him to a stake.
- And then burn him!
- Yeah.
- Yeah, and burn him good!
- That won't work.
- Who said that?
I did.
Oh, you.
Why won't it work?
Somebody will stop us
the minute we light a fire.
They always do.
- Yeah, that's right.
- What do you say, Red Eagle?
Well, let's tie him to a stake
and scalp him. That's it.
- You mean for real?
- Sure.
You can't scalp anybody
unless you do a war dance first.
Oh. Well, just a minute.
I'll-I'll-I'll remember that.
You two braves...
Can't scalp anybody
unless you do a war dance first.
- He's right, Red Eagle.
- Well, we can scalp him, can't we?
You have to do
a war dance first.
Do you know a war dance,
Red Eagle?
Ah... Well, sure.
That's no good.
You gotta sing when you do it.
Oh. Oh, you gotta sing.
Well, all right, we'll sing.
Oh, you with the drum,
give me a beat.
Uh, bum-bum-bum-bum.
Bum-bum... You sing.
# Me want a wampum #
- # Me want a wampum #
- You sing too.
- # Me want a wampum #
- You go, "Ugh!"
- # Me want a wampum #
- Ugh!
- # Me want a wampum #
- Ugh!
Ugga, ugga, gloop, gloop!
Ugga, ugga, gloop, gloop!
- Ugga, ugga, gloop, gloop! Ugh!
- # Me want a wampum #
You go,
"Ahi, ho, ho, ho."
- #Ahi, ho, ho, ho #
- #Ahi, ho, ho, ho #
# Me want a wampum #
- # Scalp a paleface #
- # Scalp a paleface #
- # Me want a wampum #
- Ugh!
Now you go,
"Aho, ho, ho!"
#Aho, ho, ho #
- #Aho, ho, ho #
- #Aho, ho, ho #
# Di-di-di-di-di #
Darling, speak to me!
Say something!
Oh, my darl...
Operator, get a taxi, will you?
Uh, this is 1605 Gilcrest.
Send a taxi right away.
Emergency. Thank you.
Oh, darling!
Barnaby, are you trying
to say something?
Well, speak to me.
Barnaby, I'm your wife.
Say something!
Oh, my poor husband.
What have you done to yourself?
- Driver, hurry. Please hurry.
- Yes, ma'am.
Right this way, mister.
Hello, kids.
Well, why did Mrs. Fulton
say to meet her here?
She didn't say.
Was Mr. Fulton there?
I mean, at the house?
- He could've been.
- Oh, that's the reason. I see it now.
Mister, will you play with us?
We need a nice tall man
to play maypole.
Well, I'm sorry,
but I haven't time now.
Don't you like children?
Of course I like children.
Why are you mean
to 'em then?
- I'm not mean to them.
- Don't you wanna make us happy?
- Of course I do.
- Then play maypole.
All right,
I'll play maypole with you...
if you'll go tell
Mrs. Fulton I'm here.
- Okay.
- You're nice to play maypole with us.
Now you step right back here
against this tree...
and hold this up real high.
- All right.
- That's fine. Come on!
I thought you were
gonna tell Mrs. Fulton.
Can't I watch for a minute?
No. You promised you'd do it
if I play maypole.
What was it
I promised to tell her?
You tell her that I'm here.
Now why don't you...
You're getting this too tight!
I can't move!
You can come out now,
Red Eagle!
Fulton, have you gone
stark raving out of your mind?
Oh, Mrs. Fulton,
I have a message for you...
- I'm sorry, but I don't have time.
- Mr. Oxly wants to see you.
Yes, and I wanna see him too.
Oh, Miss Laurel.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Mr. Oxly? Mr. Oxly?
You've got to do something
about Barnaby and right away.
There, there, little girl.
Now don't get excited.
Would you like some lemonade
or a piece of candy?
Oh, stop it, Mr. Oxly.
Stop it.
The formula has worn off.
I'm not a little girl any longer.
- It's Barnaby I'm talking about.
- What is he up to now?
- It's Barnaby I'm talking about.
- What is he up to now?
You've got to save him.
You've got to bring him back.
I'm trying to.
I've got everyone, including half
the police force, trying to find him.
- Do you know where he is?
- He's right here in my arms.
Now, Mrs. Fulton, don't cry.
Remember, you are the wife
of a great scientist.
Oh, poor Barnaby.
He was so brilliant.
- Now look at him.
- It's a pretty baby. Is it yours?
- Of course he is.
- I didn't know you had a child.
- Mr. Oxly, this is Barnaby.
- What?
That's what I've been trying
to tell you. This is my husband!
You mean the formula has gone too far,
and this is the result?
- Yes.
- I can't believe it.
Well, it's true, and you've got
to do something about it!
By George! By George!
- Oxly speaking.
- Yes, Oliver?
Prepare yourself for a shock, G.J.
Dr. Fulton's formula has backfired
and turned him into a baby.
- A complete idiot, huh?
- No, not an idiot. A baby.
- An infant two feet tall.
- Don't talk rubbish, Oliver.
I'm not talking rubbish.
I can see, can't I?
I wonder.
We've got to find an antidote...
and we can't do that until
we know what was in the formula.
Just get the truth out
of Fulton any way you can.
Well, come on in here
and help me.
All right, now we've
got to find out...
Shh. Mr. Oxly,
he's trying to say something.
What are you
trying to say, darling?
Well, go ahead, tell me.
Please try.
Let me talk to him.
Barnaby, I'm going to
speak to you very slowly...
so as not to confuse you.
But we're going to do
everything we can to help you...
but you've got to help too.
- You understand?
- Barnaby, please listen. Try hard.
This might help.
He remembers.
He wouldn't take it before,
and now he will.
we can't find the antidote...
until we know the real formula.
- Well, don't frighten him.
- I didn't say anything to frighten him.
He's being evasive again.
Barnaby, you lied to us about
the missing ingredient.
Now, what is it?
Oh, Mr. Oxly, he can't talk!
What are we going to do?
We can't wait until he grows up.
I'll be dead.
Yes, and when he's 20,
think how old I'll be.
Well, Oliver, is that the brat
you were talking about?
Yes, G.J.
This is Dr. Fulton.
Don't you call
my husband names!
Madam, what are you trying to put over
on the Oxly Chemical Works?
Stop talking like a fool.
I came here for help,
and you are responsible.
Jerome, you were
my husband's colleague.
Can't you find an antidote?
I warned him. I warned him.
This proves there are
no boundaries to science.
You're all talking nonsense.
That's no more Fulton than I am.
I ought to know
my own husband.
Now look what you've done.
You've made him cry.
That's all right, darling.
Don't cry.
- He's probably tired and sleepy.
- Yes. Sleepy?
Well, that'd be a sign
that the formula's wearing off.
That's the way
it worked with me.
- Sleep might bring him to normalcy?
- It did before.
- Oh, bosh.
- Mrs. Fulton, where are you taking him?
To his laboratory...
so that he can take a nap on his couch
where he'll feel at home.
Hey, look!
Oh, jiggers!
It's the cops!
Head for the hills!
Head for the hills!
- Mr. Oxly, this is all I could...
- Shh!
- This is all I could find.
- Give it to Mrs. Fulton.
Mrs. Fulton, will this do?
Yes, thank you.
Oh, isn't he cute?
Miss Laurel. Keep your hands
off of him, please.
- I wasn't going to...
- He's defenseless.
I can't have you touch him.
He's got to get some sleep.
Yes, ma'am.
He doesn't seem sleepy now.
Perhaps we should take
a blood chemistry.
Shh! Please.
Will you please be quiet
and give him a chance?
Yesterday when
he took the formula...
he had to sleep before
he became normal again.
And he's got to sleep, Mr. Oxly.
Sometimes I try counting sheep.
Well, I hardly think he...
Oh. I know
what might do it.
Now. Now, listen, Barnaby.
#We're poor little lambs #
#Who have lost our way #
- # Baa baa baa #
- Silly song.
#We're little black sheep #
#Who have gone astray #
# Baa baa baa ##
By George, this waiting
certainly takes it out of a man.
I need something.
Haven't got a drink around here,
have you, Doctor?
- But, Mr. Oxly, I don't drink.
- I didn't ask you that.
I asked you if you had
anything to drink around here.
Well, for medicinal purposes...
- No excuses. Just get it.
- Good idea.
- Here's some glasses.
- I'll get some water.
Yes, I'd like a little water
with mine.
- Will you have a drink, Mrs. Fulton?
- No, thank you.
- A drink comes in handy sometimes.
- You bet.
- Water, G.J.?
- Please. Thanks.
- Well, here's how.
- Here we go.
- Tastes kind of bitter, doesn't it?
- Yeah, it's strange.
Get rid of that before
anyone else drinks it.
- Yes, sir.
- I'll give you a hand.
There's no excuse for having
water like that around here.
Doctor, see that that cooler's
cleaned out before it's used again.
Yes, Mr. Oxly.
Well, who are you?
I don't care who you are.
Just-Just move over.
There's a good fellow.
Oh, I'm so sleepy.
No, no, please. No familiarity.
Just-Just go to sleep.
Oh, Barnaby, darling.
Oh, Edwina?
I thought I'd lost you,
and now there are two of you.
What do you mean,
there are two of me?
L- l-I can't see.
My glasses, you know.
Oh, your glasses. Wait a minute.
Here they are, dear.
- Oh, dear me.
- Oh, darling, are you all right?
- Yes, thank you. I'm all right.
- Here.
Who is this?
I don't know.
I thought it was you.
Well, what do you mean
you thought it was me?
- I don't understand.
- Don't you remember?
I carried you in here
when you were a baby.
- Oh, that's impossible.
- Well, don't you remember anything?
Well, sure.
The last thing l...
- I was scalping Hank Entwhistle.
- Oh, Barnaby.
What's that?
- I don't know.
- Hey, you'd better take this.
Come on, sweetheart.
We oughta find out who that is.
Yes, indeed, we must.
Dr. Fulton, I'm so glad.
- What's going on?
- They've taken it. It was in the water.
- What do you mean?
- The monkey mixed it.
I'll get you!
I can make a monkey out of Rudolph!
I'll get you!
Oh, what a job you've done!
No fair using hot water!
Hello, Barnaby!
How are you, old boy?
I knew you'd pull out of it.
Here's a contract for you,
signed, sealed and delivered!
You're a genius, old boy!
- Hey!
- I'll get even!
You've got a fire hose there!
What's the idea?
Get off of me!
You're drowning me!
Oh, Miss Laurel!
Come on in and join the party!
- Come on in!
- Aah!
There he is!
There's the man who did it to me!
Mr. Oxly, please!
Mr. Oxly, don't squirt me!
Barnaby, can you hear me?
- Yes, dear.
- I've been thinking.
I'm just beginning to.
I was wondering,
if I had my choice...
of living these
last three days over again...
what I'd say.
Oh, let's hear it.
That interests me.
Well, we've got a new contract...
we've had a lot of excitement...
and we're going out on the town
tonight, just the two of us.
That's funny.
I can't hear you.
I didn't say anything anyway.
I was just thinking.
- I was thinking about you.
- Care to elaborate on that?
About your not
being disappointed...
when you found out that it
was Esther who'd invented the formula.
- Mm-hmm.
- Your suspenders would look better up.
Imagine, the secret of youth,
locked up in the head of a monkey.
Do you think they'll ever
find out how to make it?
I don't know.
They've got Esther working awfully hard.
Darling, why weren't
you disappointed?
Well, I've got a new formula.
Barnaby, if you start that
all over again, so help me, I'll...
Oh, I like that dress, yes.
- Oh, you do?
- Uh-huh.
All right,
what's the new formula?
Well, it doesn't come
in packages or bottles.
You're old only when
you forget you're young.
- Come on, say some more.
- Hmm?
It's a word
you keep in your heart...
a light you have
in your eyes...
someone you hold
in your arms.
My, I'm glad I'm going
out with you tonight.
Come here.
- Do you like my formula?
- Mm-hmm.
Makes you think, doesn't it?
I can use a lot of that.
What time did you
order the table?