More Funny Women of a Certain Age (2020) Movie Script
So here we are again,
"Funny Women of a Certain Age,"
the second special.
Aw, I know, you thought
this was gonna be a one-off.
Listen, I've been doin'
stand-up for 40 years,
and I'm 61 years old.
Maybe I get a pity fuck,
but I don't get a pity special.
I'm so excited about
the show tonight.
Just-- the talent is
unbelievable.
I identify as
a stand-up comedian,
like first and foremost.
We're literally
standing
on a New York
street corner
and we're so old no one's
yelling anything to us.
I've been doing
stand-up for 42 years.
There's still nothing
better than going on stage
and telling jokes
to live drunks.
It doesn't matter
whether it's stand-up
or comedy writing,
I always tell women to
pursue it because,
for example, when
I was at "Seinfeld,"
I know that a man
would have never pitched
Elaine thinks
that the Korean
manicurists
are talkin' about her
behind her back...
Right, absolutely.
...because that had
happened to me.
So I always say to women,
go into the field
because we have
experiences and funniness
that doesn't happen to men.
And we have to use that.
Absolutely.
Unbelievable.
Well, good evening.
What up, Brooklyn?
How great is this?
Thank you all for being here.
Oh, my God,
I am so excited.
What a pleasure to work with
all these women tonight.
Yeah.
But outside of here, not so rosy
ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies, we still have
big strides to make.
You ready for this?
Girlfriend of mine just
got a new job.
First question
the new boss asked her
was if she could make a good
cup of coffee.
Yeah, she stormed
right outta that Starbucks.
So here we are,
funny women of a "certain" age.
Well, I'll get specific with ya,
what the hell.
Couple months ago I turned 63.
Thank you.
Yeah it's so funny, my agent
came to my show last week
and afterwards he's like,
why you tellin'
people in the audience
how old you are?
And I'm like,
because it gets applause.
Yeah, gettin' older.
It's a bitch.
You know what
the worst part is?
You ever have to enter
your age online?
Sit there scrolling.
Scrolling.
But now that I told
you how old I am,
let's see how old you all are.
Do you have an old timey
first name like me?
Carol.
Are you named Cathy,
Susan, Linda?
Mindy?
These are all names
that tell the world,
you're not 30 anymore.
There's no babies
being named Carol.
No.
And here's what's wild, okay.
I go to Starbucks
every day.
I cannot tell ya
how many times
when the barista's asked
my name and I've said Carol,
they've asked me,
with a "C" or a "K"?
With a "C" or a "K."
Yeah, it's actually
with a hard "Q."
Yeah, like in Qatar.
'Nother old timey
first name of
the guys of my generation
is Richard.
Yes Richard, popular name.
And of course,
we all know
the nickname for Richard
would be?
Dick.
Dick!
Yeah, can't go around
callin' people Dick now.
Are you kidding?
Especially in the workplace.
Two seconds, you have
HR up your butt.
Yeah Ms. Leifer
we received a complaint.
Apparently you called Richard
in Accounting a dick.
I didn't call him a dick.
I called him Dick.
Well I'm sorry, but your
argument is pretty half-cocked.
Sorry if you feel like
I've given you the shaft.
Ball's in your court.
Plastic surgery,
haven't had any.
Yep, I'm for real.
Well mostly because
I'm afraid.
I mean, so many
of these procedures
are so wack, aren't they?
Oh my God, have you
heard about this one?
I'm not makin' this one up,
okay.
Where they take the fat
from a woman's buttocks
and inject it into the lips.
Brings a whole new meaning
to the phrase "kiss my ass."
Well what can I say,
I'm old.
I thought Wikileaks
was a new type of pad.
You know what I am totally
obsessed with, though?
You know that
Life Alert button?
Yeah, I know I'm a little
young for it,
but it's amazing,
like you just push it
and they're there like
two seconds later.
I have a feeling though,
I might get a little
devious with it though.
You know, I'd be like,
help, I've fallen,
and I'd love a turkey sandwich.
But I like to think
I'm still pretty hip.
Pretty happenin' with
the young people.
Well, I work with a lotta
young writers you know.
And like last week,
I went to lunch with this guy
who's like 23.
And this great song came over
the PA in the restaurant.
And I said to him,
I wish I could find out
what this song is,
I really like it.
And he said to me,
why don't you Shazam it?
And I actually went,
Shazam.
But I'll tell ya one thing
I love about gettin' older,
oh, I do--
senior discounts!
Oh yeah, you like
a bargain like me, right?
Yeah, but I'll be very honest
with you guys,
a big reason
why I'm here tonight
is because I got a Groupon
to perform.
But it's a different world,
different world
than when I was growin' up.
See it everywhere.
Like, take for instance,
tattoos.
Okay, when I was growin' up
tattoos were like
for sketchy people.
You know,
like unsavory sailors.
Inmates from cell block "B."
Yeah, now my aunt Ruth
in Boca has a tattoo.
Look, it's my brisket.
Technology, isn't it amazing
how far we've come?
You know,
my mom is gone now,
but I think of her
all the time.
You know what invention
my mom would have flipped for?
The navigation system
in the car.
Oh are you kidding?
Another woman talking to her
the entire time
she's in the car.
Are you kidding,
this is a Jewish woman's dream!
And you know how you can
program the accent?
You know, she'd set it to like
Cedarhurst, Long Island.
All right,
I'm gonna put you
on the Long Island
Expressway now.
No, no, you know what?
No, I'm not going to, no.
No, and you know why?
They drive like maniacs
on that LIE, like maniacs.
You get on there, you take
your life in your hands.
No we're doin' surface streets.
We're doin'
surface streets only!
Are you hungry?
Tatala, I only had an
English muffin for breakfast.
And they're not very filling
and oh, my God,
oi gevalt, look out,
make a left, make a left!
And that's what
we call "JewPS."
You've been terrific!
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
Thanks!
Everybody thinks when
you're a road comic
it's this glamorous life.
See this?
This is what it's like to be
a road comic.
Okay, this is the green room.
And where they put you up
is a comedy condo,
which is a broken down,
one-bedroom apartment
that you have to share with
three other male comics.
And the number one rule
in comedy-condo etiquette,
you never eat the mayonnaise.
Why?
Someone's put his dick in it.
Thank you so much.
Holy shit,
we're doin' another one!
So I recently turned 61.
A lot of young people
wanna know
what it's like
being in your 60s.
So basically this is it.
There's a lotta moaning.
But it's not from sex.
Lemme explain what I mean.
So last weekend I was
at my sister's house
for a barbecue, right?
So I said I'd help clean up.
So I'm in the kitchen,
her and her husband
are in the living room,
I'm doin' the dishes,
all of a sudden I hear this.
Oh, oh, oh!
And I'm doin' the dishes going,
are they fucking
in the living room?
I walked in, they were
tryin' to get off the couch.
Look, I am proud
about my age, okay.
I'm so proud about my age.
And when I was in Los Angeles
promoting the first special,
I would talk about
being in my 60s
and the young L.A. women
they were so adorable.
They were like, oh my God,
Carole, you're so brave
talking about your age.
I'm like, I don't go
into burning buildings,
I tell dick jokes for a living,
okay, calm down, calm down.
And this one young girl,
this one L.A. girl,
she was like Carole, I know
you don't like plastic surgery
but I gotta tell you about
this new thing
that they're doing in L.A.
It's called
vaginal rejuvenation.
Have you heard about this?
I know, look at the look of--
you're like, what?
No listen what this is,
it's plastic surgery
for your vagina,
to make it look younger.
Now we have all seen
bad face-lifts, right?
What's a bad face-lift?
If you get a bad doctor
for down there,
what's it's gonna look like?
That's not pretty
is what I'm saying.
It's just not pretty.
But I understand,
I understand why some women
would want to do that, you know,
especially if you're a mom.
Because, we do have a lotta
moms here tonight, right?
Right, right.
Childbirth fucks up your shit.
Do you know what I'm saying?
It fucks everything.
First of all, you know,
young women like,
when they hear about childbirth
they think it's beautiful
and magical.
And angels are singing,
and unicorns are--
you shit yourself,
okay, just so you...
A giant head comes out
of a space this small.
I don't remember much
about my childbirth,
but I do remember
looking down
and seeing the doctor
sewing up my lower region.
And me turnin' to my husband
and going,
might as well,
you're never getting in again.
My son was born
two weeks late, okay.
Typical man, he wanted to
stay inside
as long as he possibly could.
And that little shit would not
come out of me, okay?
So I call my doctor, right?
It was a Friday afternoon,
I'll never forget this,
I said, please can I come in,
please induce me.
He goes, Carole,
I'm golfing this weekend.
I'll induce ya on Monday.
But over the weekend try to
induce your baby yourself.
This is actually
a medical procedure,
it's called
natural induction.
You have to make love a lot,
have nipple stimulation,
and take a lotta long walks.
My husband hears this
and he goes,
so lemme get this straight,
I get to fuck ya,
play with your tits,
and tell ya to go take a hike?
I could do that.
I still can't,
I mean I know that I'm 61,
I still can't believe that
I have an adult son.
I have a 27-year-old son.
And I'm very close
with my son.
Are you close with your kids?
Yeah, I'm very close.
I'm very close to my son.
He tells me everything.
Everything,
Everything!
And it's my fault,
'cause I was pregnant,
I took him with me.
I was on the road,
as a baby, I took him with me,
you know.
He's been around comedy
his whole life, you understand?
So he tells me stuff.
When he was 12,
I was driving him to school
one day,
and we're at a stoplight,
and here's what I hear
my 12-year-old son say to me.
Mommy, don't tell Daddy,
but I haven't masturbated yet.
Okay.
I mean what do you do,
what do you do?
He's tryin' to communicate.
So I was tryin' to like think,
okay I have to say
the right thing.
So very slow, very,
very calmly I said,
honey whenever you're ready,
you go and do it.
And then I gunned the car,
I made it to school
in two minutes.
I'm like, get outta the car!
So when he was 14,
two years later right.
We're back here
in New York City.
He's in the shower.
It's his first day
of high school.
I'm making breakfast for him.
From the shower I hear,
Mom, there's a cut
on my penis!
And in my head I'm thinkin',
do you ever talk to
your fuckin' father?
So I say to my husband,
who's sound asleep,
I get right in his face,
I go,
wake up, your son
has a cut on his dick!
He literally pops outta bed.
He runs into the bathroom.
He runs right back out
and he goes,
he didn't use enough lotion,
I'm goin' back to bed.
Yeah, and that's how
I found out,
'cause the next day all
of my lotion went missing.
And when he was 18 right,
he was dating a young lady
and they were in love.
So they decided they wanted
to lose their virginity
to each other.
So who does he come to?
All I said was,
listen honey just make sure
you use birth control,
right, good mom, right?
So he says, what happens
if my girlfriend says
she's on the pill Mom?
I said that could be Prozac,
do not trust that little bitch.
So I once again
went to my husband and said,
go get--
go get him condoms.
Now, there are reasonable men
in this group.
Most reasonable men would
get their son a three pack.
My husband bought him a box
of 40 fucking condoms.
He went to Costco.
Well, Kirkland makes
an amazing condom.
Thank you, Costco shoppers.
I bought him
a case of Gatorade.
Didn't want him
to get dehydrated.
But here's the best part.
Here's how he told me.
You woulda thought
he woulda called me, right?
He texted me.
Here's the text.
I'm a man now.
So I texted him back.
That is great honey.
I'm gonna go fuck Daddy.
Love you.
And he's 27,
so he's a millennial.
And, like, the people
who have millennials,
are they still livin' with ya?
Oh, they're the worst, man.
They leave, they come back,
they leave, they come back.
I moved, he found me,
you know what I mean?
So he did move out.
The first time
he ever moved
out he was 20 years old.
He was out for two years,
it was really good.
And then he moved back,
he was having roommate problems.
And I remember saying to him,
why did you move out?
You know, we live in New York
City, it's very expensive.
And he goes, Mom,
I was startin' to date.
I was worried if I brought home
a girl you'd walk in on us.
I'm like, that's horrible.
I would never do
somethin' like that.
But then he moved back home,
he brought home a girl,
and I had to
'cause he challenged me.
And it was a Saturday night,
and the subway wasn't running,
'cause the girlfriend
lived in Brooklyn
'cause that's where
they all fucking live.
And I said to him,
I said, hon--
you know, I said to the girl,
I said look it's late,
don't take an Uber,
just stay over,
I'll see ya tomorrow,
everything'll be fine, right?
And then I waited.
About two hours.
And then I just
burst into his room.
Oh you're doin' it all wrong!
Lift her up, lift her up!
And then he moved
to Los Angeles.
Thank you so much everybody.
I love you, thank you!
Thank you so much.
"America's Got Talent"
was life changing for me.
I had a joke in my act
back at the time
where I used the "F" bomb.
Just before the--
I went on stage, the producer
he said to me, Julia,
are you going to say it?
And I was like,
no, man, I'm not--
And he goes, they'll love it.
So I'm on--
I'm filmin' this thing.
It's like 13 million
people watchin'
and I looked at the audience
and I just went,
you know, fuck that!
The audience
just went berserk.
But I saw Simon laughing,
and that was even better.
Oh, my God,
look at this place!
Whoa, man!
Wow, look at this.
Fantastic.
It's so nice to
see so many people here
that I don't know
and it's good to... uh-huh.
So I'm gonna start,
and I'm tellin' ya,
I--I'm, uh... I turned 65.
Please, that just means
I didn't die
from last year, you know.
And I am what's officially known
as the golden years.
I'm in those now.
And I don't know
who named these things,
but that's the stupidest name
I've ever heard in my life.
Golden years,
lemme tell ya somethin',
I was standin' in front of
the mirror naked this morning...
...and if these
are the golden years,
the price of gold
just collapsed.
Everything's goin' on me.
My eyes are goin',
my hearing's going.
All right, you too,
the same thing?
You know what I found
this morning in my microwave?
I found a jar of mayonnaise.
I have no idea
how it got there.
I live alone, so I know
I put it there.
The cat's not capable of
liftin'
such a great weight.
Oh my God, I'm tellin' ya.
I've reached this point where,
I don't know if
I should say this but,
there are some days...
when I just smell funny.
For no apparent reason.
I've had a lotta
health problems this year.
I've had more body parts
moved around this year,
I'm startin' to feel
like Mrs. Potato Head.
Oh, my God, I had--
two years ago
I had both hips replaced.
I had a pacemaker put in.
About a month and a half ago
I had my spine rebuilt.
I know.
That's why I'm telling you this.
And last Christmas,
last Christmas I had
quadruple bypass surgery.
I know.
That was my Christmas present.
All I asked for was I wanted
a puppy, that was it.
My doctor says, now I've got
all my new parts,
I could live to be 100.
I'm like, get the hell
outta here.
You do that I'll sue you
for malpractice, ya bastard.
Have you ever seen
100-year-old people?
They're friggin' creepy.
Oh, my God,
they always have them
on the "Today" show
in the morning.
Right, they wheel 'em out.
Poor bastard doesn't
even know where he's at.
He's lookin' around like,
is this Iwo Jima?
Right, and then they put
the little cone hat on his head.
They pull the chin strap down,
it snaps back up
and he's lookin' like that.
And then they wheel
the cake out.
It's got 100 candles on it.
Like are you kiddin',
he's on oxygen,
get that away from him.
And the gifts, you know,
the gifts suck
when you get older, right?
Right?
You know what,
my birthday gifts,
you know what I got?
Slippers and a jigsaw puzzle.
Right, and I'm supposed to
get excited about this.
I'm like, oh look,
it's a 5,000-piece puzzle.
And it says here on
the box it's 80% sky.
That's gonna keep me busy
on those cold winter nights.
Glad I got these shitty slippers
to keep my feet warm.
I want good gifts
like I used to get.
I want like a bike.
You know, or a TV.
Or a vibrator.
I want a life-size,
chocolate George Clooney.
Right? That I could start
eatin' in the middle.
Right, but I can't even
have chocolate any more,
'cause it constipates me.
That's a big deal in old people
land, constipation, right?
It's such a big deal
we made it into an occasion.
We call it occasional
constipation.
It's like a friggin'
holiday now.
Oh, my God,
Constipation Day's comin',
Constipation Day's comin'!
I can't believe Walmart
put up the Constipation Day
decorations already.
It's only September.
You know.
Are you goin' to the big
Constipation Day parade?
No I'm not movin'.
Neither is the parade.
So, I feel, you know, I been
feelin' outta touch lately,
the older I get, especially
around young people.
I wanna-- I wanna--
like, you're so young.
I mean, I wanna be hip like,
you know, so that you like me.
No, but I do.
And it's, you know, like I--
Especially with the music.
I can't keep up with the music.
Like I just found out
Ariana Grande is not a drink
from Starbucks.
Right?
I swear to God,
I can't even watch
the History Channel any more.
I just sit there all day goin',
I remember that.
I remember that too.
Wait a minute,
is that me runnin'
through the mud
at Woodstock naked?
And the world's gotten
really weird, man.
It's a frightening world.
We're all afraid
of marauders now,
bandidos,
they're everywhere.
Now they got this thing
called a see somethin',
say somethin' hotline.
Are you familiar with this?
Yeah.
If you don't know about it,
what it is,
is, uh, if you see
somethin' suspicious,
you're supposed to call it in.
Big brother, right?
Anybody know the phone number
for the see something?
No.
Anybody ever see something?
But they spend
all this money
to train all these
highly-trained professionals,
to operate the see something,
say something hotline.
I'd be like, see something,
say something hotline.
Ya see somethin'?
Hi, I'm a longtime listener,
first-time caller.
See something,
say something hotline,
ya see somethin'?
Hi, it's my girl's
birthday.
Can you play "Free Bird"?
It's like...
See, the thing of it is,
if you actually ever
see somethin'
you're gonna know it.
You're gonna know it right away.
Like if you ever see say,
I dunno, a coyote...
right, walkin' down the street
on its hind legs,
and it's carryin'
a box of dynamite.
And the side of the box
just says Acme Dynamite Company.
You've seen something,
you know.
So...
You guys are fun, man.
So you should know this,
if you didn't know this
about me I'll tell ya right now,
I'm transgendered.
Where are my trans folks?
Let me hear ya.
Really? Really?
Boy, I'm usually the only one.
It's tough bein' trans
in this country, it really is.
Like I always thought
it would be so much easier
if I were just gay.
Seriously, gay, I could do
gay standin' on my head.
Which would make me very popular
in the gay community.
But it's harder for you if you--
you know, you could be gay
and you could stay in
the closet your whole life.
Nobody ever has to know.
Not if you're trans.
You gotta come out to everybody.
Everybody.
You show up at work one day
in heels and a skirt,
people are gonna notice.
That's when you get a little,
Bob look a little
different to you today?
What is it Bob, new haircut?
I don't know, just...
Oh man, and I, you know,
I hadda come out to my fam--
I had to-- I was married
when I came out.
Boy, shoulda been there
for that conversation.
I took my ex out
for a nice dinner.
We sat down, I said,
honey we have to talk.
She just looked at me she goes,
is it another woman?
Kinda, yeah, you know.
She's like, is she prettier
than me?
I go, yep.
All my female friends
were so welcoming.
They took me right in under,
you know, under their wing.
Men, not so much.
They freaked out.
My friends are like, oh, my God,
he's cuttin' it off.
You're cuttin' it off.
He's cuttin' it off!
That's what they call it.
Yeah I'm cutting it off.
They have like a penis
guillotine set up for me.
I'm flying over to
17th century France.
Right, there'll be a guy there
with a pencil-thin mustache,
a beret,
and a cigarette.
He's like, are you ready
to get the pee-pee cut off?
Okay move the pee-pee closer,
move the pee-pee closer,
move the pee pee--,
and voom, voila,
you are a woman now.
So...
So surprise, surprise,
I don't date much,
'cause I confuse people.
You know, like straight men
don't wanna date me
because they think
I'm a guy,
and that
would make them gay.
Lesbians don't wanna date me,
because they think I'm a guy,
and that would
make them straight.
I'm like...
And you say I have issues,
come on.
I, uh...
some people have suggested
that I try one of these
dating websites.
Well, all these websites
act the same way, right?
They, you know, they make you
fill out a questionnaire.
Right? You know.
And they try to
match you up with
what you have in common with
another person, right?
You're all smart people.
You know, you don't need
a website
to tell you if you have
somethin' in common.
So I say, match people up
by what's wrong with them.
Right, it's a much more
efficient way to do it.
Like, I'll give you
an example.
You match up,
say, the anorexics,
match them up with
the compulsive eaters.
I mean, think about it.
It's like,
you gonna eat that?
No, here you can have it.
I love you.
I love you.
Or you match up the guys
with erectile dysfunction,
match them up with
the vaginal dryness women.
Think about it, it's like,
you feel like doin' it tonight?
Well I do, but I can't.
Neither can I!
I love you.
I love you.
Right?
Or you match up the people
with that sleep apnea,
you know the ones that gotta
wear that gas mask to bed.
Match them up with
the restless leg people.
This way if they stop breathin'
in the middle of the night...
...you got it covered, right?
You'll be-- you'll be
layin' in bed,
it'll be like,
oh, my God, wake up!
Wake up!
I love you.
I love you.
And I love you,
thank you all so much.
I've always been tough.
And you have to be
tough to be this age
and still work in the clubs.
I don't wanna have to try to
convince people to like me.
I know who I am.
There's a young generation
that is not tough.
I could take
the whole generation out
with a jar of peanuts.
Whoa.
Hey.
Well, thank you.
It's nice to see people
actually laughing now.
It's a hard time
in this country.
People are always saying like,
why do you think comics
are havin' such a hard time?
And really you wanna know
why I think we are?
Too many generations
are alive at the same time.
That's why.
I'm not supposed to
have to entertain all of you.
Right?
I'm supposed to
pick a demographic
and stay in my lane.
But you guys wanna come--
there's so many.
You got the Greatest
Generation's alive,
baby boomer
generation's alive,
Gen X, that's me,
Gen Y, millennials, zenial.
Get the hell outta here.
It's ridiculous.
I'm not supposed to
go do a show
and you show up with
your kids.
Look around, some of you
are here with your children.
I don't even know my mother's
first name.
It's not fair.
And listen, my sweet,
young millennials here.
I know you're a little sensitive
and I don't wanna pick on you.
I'm not pickin' on you.
You have somethin' that
our generation
will never have again-- hope.
They told you you could be
anything you wanted.
That was completely
different than our house.
My brother told my father,
I wanna be an astronaut,
he goes you're too
friggin' stupid.
That's not mean,
that's career advice, okay.
And now "stupid" is a bad word,
that's what my son--
my son's 11,
he came home and he said,
Mommy the teacher told me
"stupid" is a bad word.
I said tell your teacher,
Mommy's gotta leave
a lotta other words out,
stupid is stayin' in.
Okay?
Besides, I'd have nothin'
to call his father.
Listen...
That's my husband, I love him.
You would love him too.
I'll talk about him
a little bit later.
I married the hot kid from
the slow class, all right, so...
Hey.
I know who I am.
I take care of me.
I don't need him to do
anything for me.
Have sex with me
and guard the perimeter.
Know your role, all right?
That's it.
What do I need him for?
Yeah that-- you wanna talk about
equal opportunity,
that's when we talk about it.
Now I love the young
generations,
you do your marches,
you do everything.
You know you go, oh women,
we support women.
Of course I support women.
How do you think that all these
new young comics got here.
All these broads that you've
seen march out on stage, okay.
That's how they got here.
Just 'cause I don't know
how to knit a vagina hat
doesn't mean I wasn't
supporting women.
Okay?
Some of you say you support
women and you're lyin'.
You're lyin'. And you go,
how do you know, Tammy?
I'll tell you how.
'Cause I'm not just a comic,
I'm a behavioral scientist.
I watch people and then
I talk about 'em at night.
You lie and pretend
you're supporting women
and I know you're lying 'cause
you'll take a little picture,
even tonight,
with your friends.
Little selfies of yourselves.
Post it up on social media.
And you only fix you.
You leave your friend hangin'.
Oh, my God, you look great.
Did Shrek enjoy
the comedy show?
People can't handle it
when you tell 'em the truth.
I feel like Jack Nicholson
half the time.
You can't handle the truth,
that's the problem.
The problem nowadays is that
life is tough, stuff happens.
My generation is gettin' old.
I now go to the bathroom
at the time I used
to go out to nightclubs.
Okay? I can't find
the piece of paper
I wrote all
my passwords down.
But I did write 'em
in cursive, so there's that.
There's that.
Might wanna be nice
to an old person
if you wanna read
the Declaration of Independence.
Figure out what
you're outraged about.
You think I care?
I know who I am.
You have to know who you are,
you understand?
I know because in my house--
I grew up,
I'm 100% Sicilian,
they didn't let you pretend.
Thank you, the four of you
that I'm probably related to.
And I love my people, but
Italian people are the worst
because there's always one old
Italian lady who's miserable.
You could tell her,
I solved--
I solved cancer,
I cured cancer.
Meh.
Ah.
That was my grandma.
My grandfather,
now he was my best friend.
The day before I got married,
my grandfather showed up.
I opened up the door
he goes, hey Tam,
today is the best day of
your life.
I said, but Pop,
I get married tomorrow.
He goes, I know.
Today, is the best day.
Listen, for me it worked out.
My cousin not so much.
She's livin' with me, right?
'Cause her husband was
takin' pictures of his penis
and sendin' 'em
to random broads.
Not random broads,
I mean they were specific.
That'd be funny if he was
just like air droppin' 'em.
See there's a difference
in generations.
When I say "air drop"
the young people
you know exactly what
I'm talkin' about.
The old people are picturin'
8 by 10 glossies
of a penis...
...with a little parachute
tied on it...
...bein' tossed out
of a World War II bomber.
Poof, poof, poof, poof.
Like sexual propaganda
or somethin'.
That's-- everybody's
sexualized now.
Don't worry about
those penis pictures.
I'm sure there's
an Amish dude right now,
tracin' it on a piece
of parchment somewh--
He's got the candle behind him
to get the proper glow.
He's got his quill,
dippin' it in the ink well.
Then he's gotta roll
it up like a scroll
and trot it to his girl's house.
He knocks on the door,
herest thou goeth Rebecca.
Rebecca unrolls it
and she can't churn butter
correctly for a week.
Don't worry, they're not here,
and they're not gonna be
watchin' either, so get over it.
Get over it.
I'm tired,
just tired all the time.
That's one thing the youth,
you have, you have energy
to have sex and all your fun
little things you do,
like your threesomes,
whatever.
I'm not judging you.
I'm just telling you,
if there was another woman
in bed with my husband and I,
I'd be like,
you got this covered
'cause I got stuff to do.
All right?
I'm busy.
Make me a sandwich before
you leave too, all right?
'Cause I am not gluten free.
I don't know when all
that stuff happened.
Gluten, peanut allergies,
and stop yourself,
I know peanut allergies
are real.
I know it's a real thing.
My brother had a peanut allergy
in the '80s, okay?
Back in the '80s,
you know what my parents did?
Nothing.
Not a damn thing.
They're like you want
that Snickers or not?
So what if you swell?
You don't go to school
'til Monday.
You think they woulda
spent $800 on an EpiPen
when it only cost $400 to have
a new baby at the hospital?
Do the math.
The old math,
not this new stupid math
that they try to tell you.
I can't take it any more.
And I'm tellin' you, like--
and I--
sometimes I feel sorry
for my husband
'cause I'm always on edge,
but the fact of the matter is,
we don't argue over much
any more, okay?
Wanna know what we argue about?
A lotta people
have talked about this.
We argue over the GPS.
He will listen to that GPS
as if it was Moses
coming down off the mountain.
If it said turn left
into the ocean,
he would turn
left into the ocean.
Hey maybe it's a shortcut.
We're submerged right now.
He's like,
you're just jealous.
You're jealous that
I listen to her.
I am jealous.
I'm jealous
she's somewhere else,
and I'm in the fuckin' car
with him.
That's what I am jealous of.
That's what I'm jealous of.
I want that broad's life.
We arg-- I'll tell you.
Here's the other thing
we argue about.
He snores and he doesn't
believe me.
If somebody who shares
a pillow with you,
tells you that you snore,
believe them.
Why would I make that up?
Now it's a game.
Now I gotta prove to him.
Now I'm a documentarian.
I gotta film him, right?
Like I'm lookin' for a Yeti
in the Andes.
This is ridiculous.
Why would I make that up?
I'm in the business
of words.
I'd make up somethin'
way more fantastical.
Be like, you know what
you do while you sleep?
It's the weirdest thing,
you juggle.
Yeah I know.
I know.
I heard this noise,
boom, boom, boom.
I open my eyes,
pillows hittin' the ceiling...
...in a rhythmic formation.
It's ridiculous.
Listen, I love him,
I'm not goin' anywhere,
and that fact was tested.
Couple years ago he got sick,
really sick, he's okay now,
but at the time
when he got sick,
we Googled it on WebMD
and we thought for sure
he was dyin', right?
And he said to me, he goes,
if somethin' happens to me,
I want you to know
you can get married again.
I was like, oh my--
I didn't wanna get married
this time.
What are the odds I'd get
knocked up at this age?
So I said,
what do you mean?
Like, he's testing me.
You realize that, right?
When he tells me
I can get married again.
He's testing me to see
if I'm loyal.
Of course I'm loyal.
I'm a 3:00 a.m. friend.
I will show up at three o'clock
in the morning
with a shovel and bail money,
no questions asked, okay?
That's who I am.
But he's testin'--
I get so mad
he's testin' me.
'Cause what am I
supposed to say to,
you can get married again?
Huh?
Oh, can I have Frank's number
in case you're in a coma.
So I gave him the answer that
I knew he needed, all right,
'cause that's who I am.
I love this man.
This is the light of my life.
I told him, I said listen,
no matter what happens to you,
as long as I walk this earth
there will never be another man
who gets to call me his wife.
And you could tell
he was relieved.
I said but I will
bang a lotta people.
I'm Tammy Pescatelli,
good night, God bless.
Thank you so much.
Good night.
In the '80s,
the club owners segregated us,
because you would never see
two or three blacks on a show.
And we wouldn't see
no women together either
because they deemed us
to all be the same.
You know, comedy is about
one person's reality.
So if I have a period
and I wanna talk about it,
I should be able
to talk about it
'cause I listened to
enough of these white boys
talk about their dicks.
Oh, my God.
I didn't think you people
knew who the fuck I was.
I didn't, I...
I'm so glad to be on
"Ladies Of A Certain Age,"
'cause I'm gettin' up there.
I'm the only one
outta all these women
that's a grandmother.
Yeah I got grandbabies,
but it's not just my job
to spoil my grandchildren.
It's my job to teach
them some shit.
'Cause don't fuck with me,
that's what it is okay.
I was babysittin'
for my granddaughter Zaya,
and I made her a sandwich,
a bowl of soup, and some milk.
She looked at that and said,
we don't eat that.
I said, well what do you eat?
We eat Chicken McNuggets,
Chicken McNuggets
I said don't sing
about chicken, we black.
Don't do that, don't do that.
So I went to her
great grandmother's house
and got one of her
live chickens.
And I brought that chicken back.
And she said,
Grandma what's that?
I said, this my love
is Chicken McNuggets.
And I threw that chicken
in the yard and I said,
now you catch that chicken,
we'll have some
Chicken McNuggets.
Well after chasin' that chicken
for about three hours,
she was more than happy
to eat that sandwich
and a bowl of soup.
And she don't fuck with me
when we ride by McDonald's
'cause she scared
she got to catch a cow.
My job is to teach.
Now some of you new parents,
you fuckin' it up.
You got the game messed up.
I see you on TV.
My child is my best friend.
Your child is not
your friend.
Your child is your offspring,
your progeny.
It is your job to
govern your child.
Your child can be your friend
when they pack they shit
and get the fuck out
your house.
I ain't friends with nobody
who can't buy weed or liquor.
I just don't see...
...where dat's the win-win
in this relationship.
How many people
have grown children
still askin' 'em for money?
By applause.
Before I came here,
my daughter Magdalene asked me,
Mom do you have $185?
I said yes I do, click.
'Cause I fuck with people.
You know, some of you
young people,
you coulda got up out your seat
and let these older people
have the seat.
See that's why
that Shakespeare said,
youth is wasted on the young.
See you motherfuckers
don't think you gonna get old.
If you lucky you will.
Right now your titties
is perky and shit.
But one day you gonna wake up,
and one titty
gonna be over here,
and one titty gonna
be over there.
You gonna lift it up,
find a Gummi Bear and eat it.
And say ain't God good?
See you're a young man,
your nuts is tight.
Your nuts is tight.
But one day you gonna
sit on a toilet,
your nuts gonna hit the water.
You gonna ask her
to suck your dick,
she gonna go, uh huh,
smell like boo-boo,
can't do it.
See the funny thing
about young people
is that they think their
parents have a favorite child.
We don't have a favorite child.
All of our children
are our favorites
just for different reasons.
Now I'm not gonna say
Adam is my favorite,
but I'm gonna say he's mine.
I had him.
My husband is from Trinidad.
We got to the hospital
at 2:00 a.m.
Bill went to park the car,
came back, 2:28 he was
holdin' his son.
He looked at me and said,
ja make that baby fast.
That baby outweighed
his twin sisters.
They thought he was twins.
That baby came
three weeks early.
I tell people
he came out early
'cause there was no more room
in the inn.
I nursed him 'til he was five.
I'm lyin.
I nursed him for a year.
And I tell you young sisters
when you do have your babies
you should nurse them
because it's a beautiful
and bonding thing.
And my husband thought it
was beautiful and bondin' too
the first couple of months, but
around five, six, seven months
he's lookin' at this boy like
he the master cock blocker
of the free world.
He scared he ain't gonna see
my pussy no more in life.
We were foolin' around
and Adam started cryin'.
And I jumped up and
started nursin' him.
Bill is pacing back and
forth goin, look at he.
He do it on purpose.
Tell he to hurry up and eat.
And my son, with my
tit in his mouth,
looked up at his Daddy and
smiled and patted my breast
as if to say, later for you,
Negro, later for you.
That sweet precious boy
told me somethin' I
didn't wanna hear.
Told me he was in love.
That this girl was
different and special.
I said, why am I the last one
to find out?
He said, 'cause, Ma,
you know how you are.
And I said,
How the fuck am I?!
And his father and him went...
I said, well what's
special's name?
He said Melissa.
I said, what's
different about her?
He said, she's an albino.
So I said, bring
the rabbit over.
He's brings Melissa over.
Melissa is a statuesque,
blond-haired, blue-eyed,
look like a Swedish model.
I said, boy, that ain't no
albino, that's a cracker,
what you talkin' about?
I'm teasing, I don't use
those euphemisms in my home,
nor have I taught my children
to use those euphemisms.
I just said that to say this.
You can't tell your
children who to love.
They gonna love who the
fuck they wanna love.
And if you're wise,
you'll keep your narrow-minded
opinions to yourself
and enjoy your grandchildren.
I love Melissa to death,
but that's the non-cookin'est
bitch I ever laid eyes on.
Everything she cook,
Campbell Soup got
somethin' to do with it.
She made some kinda gray,
gelatinous shit,
Bill looked at it and
said, me not eatin' dat.
I looked up at my son, I said,
him not eatin' that.
He said you have to,
I love her.
I said, you fuckin'
her, you gotta eat it.
We goin' to Popeyes.
Now one of my twins is
married, to a woman.
Don't look at me crazy,
I support my children.
And for the people
that profess to be
such great Christians, let
us be clear on somethin'.
It's not between me and God,
it's between her and God.
And if I'm not mistaken,
the Bible clearly states,
judge not lest ye be judged.
Now some of y'all
got family members
get drunk every weekend, you
got to bail 'em outta jail.
My daughter just eatin' pussy.
The way I got it figured
I'm aheada the game.
Is this too real
for some of y'all?
Okay.
I remember like
it was yesterday.
Magdalene called me
up she said Momma,
Keisha gave me a two-and-half
carat, platinum, diamond ring.
I say what?
She said Keisha gave me
a two-and-half carat,
platinum, diamond ring.
I said put Keisha on the phone.
I said Keisha did you
give my baby a ring?
She said yes ma'am, I did.
I said what you tryin' to say?
She said well I know I
took her out your house,
and I know I'm ten
years older than her,
but I love your daughter.
I promise you she
won't want for nothin'.
All her needs will be met.
I adore your daughter.
I wanna grow old
with your daughter.
I said, wow, her Daddy
didn't even say that to me.
I said put Magdalene back
on the phone, please.
I said Magdalene, what
kinda pussy eatin'
is you over there doin'?
I been fuckin' your
Daddy for ten years,
he ain't gave me no
two-and-a-half carat,
platinum, diamond ring.
You tell Mommy what you did.
Tell Mommy what you did.
So she asked me, she
said, will you tell Daddy?
And I said fuck,
I don't feel like that.
And the reason I don't
feel like that
because foreign black men
are the most homophobic men
on the face of the earth.
And that's because
homosexuality is not tolerated
in their country, or
they eradicate it.
So I don't feel
like tellin' him.
I don't, I don't.
I'm sittin' there and
I'm waitin' for him
to come home and
stuff, I'm nervous.
What a friend we
have in Jesus
Oh hi Bill, how you doin'?
How was your day?
Me day good.
That's good.
So Bill, you know
Magdalene right?
He said, yeah me know she.
I said well Magdalene's,
um, gay.
He said, oh ho.
Who's the cock
and who's the hen?
I said, Magdalene is the hen.
But that's really not the issue.
The issue is Keisha gave
Magdalene a two-and-a-half carat
platinum, diamond ring.
And I been fuckin' you for
how long man, how long?
Well, I'mma tell you all
somethin' 'cause I got to go.
Yeah, I got to fuckin' go.
There's cigarettes to be smoked,
and weed to go look for.
Um, you know here
lately in the news,
there's been a lotta
racial upheaval
goin' on in this country.
And I wanted to tell you
'cause we good friends now,
'cause we talked about
dick and everything,
is that we are all Americans.
We are one nation under God.
Hold on, hold on.
And if we have never
stuck together,
we better stick together now.
Because if any other country
was ever to come over here
and take over, we all be niggers
and some of y'all
are inexperienced.
Thank you for letting me be
myself, y'all, thank you.
This is my whole career.
When I get on the plane, I
turn right or I turn left.
I turn right if I'm a
stand-up, and I sit in 38G.
If I turn left, I'm being
an actress and I sit in 2A.
Those are my two lives.
Wow.
I can be in 1A for ten
years, I wanna go to 38G.
I wanna be among people.
I wanna talk.
I wanna be
a stand-up comedian.
I don't want you to
think of me as being,
you know famous, I
want you to think of me
as somebody that
will make you laugh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, really,
thank you, thank you.
It makes me nervous when
you applaud that much,
like you thought I was dead.
Oh, she's alive,
thank God.
How are you?
You know what, thank you,
it's very nice to be on
"Women of a Certain Age,"
because what would the
all-male special be called?
Congress? Um...
I don't like that,
"of a certain age."
What does that mean?
If we were filming this in L.A.,
everyone would be 24.
That's it, done.
I actually live in Los Angeles.
I moved there in my
50s with my tween
because I like a challenge
and, um,
since I've been in Los Angeles,
everybody just talks
about plastic surgery,
just openly, all the time.
And people are always
coming up to me
and they're like, oh, my God,
Caroline your face is so full.
What kind of filler do you use?
Is it Juvederm, or Restylane,
and I'm like, fudge.
It's fudge.
Yeah, fudge.
I put a little bit of
vanilla down by my mouth
and then all around
my eyes is Rocky Road.
But, um...
I'm not a fan of
living in Los Angeles
for a number of reasons.
One, I can't merge,
so I have to leave my house
in the lane that
I wanna end up in.
And that just like
takes forever.
And, um...
It's a long way
to San Francisco.
And I hate Waze so much.
This is my impression of Waze.
Turn left into oncoming traffic.
Cross a five-lane highway.
There is a feather 400 feet
in front of you.
I do find the thing
about aging is my memory
is not so great.
Like whenever I walk in a room,
I can't remember why
I walked in that room,
but for some reason
I always think
there's gonna be a clue
in the fridge and, um...
I'm always like halfway
through a sandwich,
like oh, my God,
I forgot to file my taxes.
Oh, my God.
It's terrible,
the whole memory thing.
If you see two middle-aged women
having lunch together,
they're both just
staring at each other,
like you know they
don't remember
what they had just said.
It's like an episode
of "Law & Order."
I don't know, you said bird
and then the bread came,
and then...
something about your mother,
I don't know.
It comes from my father.
My father, he obviously
lost his memory,
'cause my father,
I have two sisters,
and he would say this
to us all the time.
He'd be like, girls,
the most important thing in life
is one thing and if
you know that one thing
everything's gonna be okay.
What is it, Dad?
What's what, honey?
I'm like, okay.
I had my daughter when
I was 44 and I am,
yes, I know.
It's impressive.
I am 38 now and I...
So my daughter is ten
and she comes home
from school sometimes
and she's like,
there's a girl that
wants to become a boy
and a boy that wants
to become a girl,
and this is very normal for her.
And so she was describing
this boy and she said,
Mommy, he's non-binary.
And I said, well honey
what does that mean?
And goes, Mommy you
should really know.
You should really know.
And I'm like, okay, well, just
explain it to me one more time.
And she said it means he doesn't
identify as a boy or a girl.
And I said, honey,
that's called menopause.
It's very weird, I get
hit on by young men.
I know, it's ridiculous.
Thanks for the complete
and utter shock and I...
Just like dead silence,
like really? No. I...
Really? Yeah.
I do.
This gorgeous 25-year-old,
he was so good-looking.
He was the stage
manager on my show.
And he said, Caroline,
I wanna come home with you.
And I said, are you locked out?
Do you wanna use my phone?
And he said, no, I wanna
be with you.
And I was like,
You do?
Okay, great, I'm gonna
go home right now.
I'm gonna need about
half an hour of lead time
to shoot out every street lamp
between here and my apartment
and then I'm gonna put some
temporary blinding drops
in your eyes.
They're gonna sting at first,
but it's gonna make it better
for both of us.
And I'll be naked with
my stomach over my head,
'cause I had a C-section at 44.
I can't sleep with a young guy.
I live in fear of his
Facebook status saying,
I fucked Aunt Hilda
and it was magical.
I can't do that.
I can't do that.
So this one cute boy,
he kept on saying to me,
send me a picture of your boobs.
And I was like, what!
And he goes, no, seriously,
send me a picture of your boobs.
You want me to send you
a picture of my naked boobs?
And he was like, yes.
So I sent him
my mammogram and...
Yeah, it got rid of his lump.
So I...
I know you like, people do
this now, but you know what,
so I tried to play along.
Do you know how hard it is
to take a good picture
of your boob while holding
the camera over your head,
so you don't have like 50 chins?
I was like, 'cause you're
not gonna send this.
So I was like...
I'm like lying on the bed,
they were both immediately
on the side table.
I, um...
Exhausted from a long day,
sound asleep.
Come one, girls, take a picture.
Seriously, it was like bad
children taking a picture,
one was looking forward,
the other one was looking back.
I was like, oh, come on.
So I finally,
I texted him and I said,
I'm gonna have to send them
one at a time.
I can't.
So I study Kabbalah and my
sister's very supportive.
She calls it Kablahblah and...
And you know, it's like
my teacher's from Israel.
And he has this like
crazy Israeli accent.
And he's trying to really like
teach me the way,
but because of his accent
this is what he says,
Caroline, the most important
thing is that you fuck us.
Fuck us in the morning.
Fuck us all day.
And fuck us right before bed.
I'm like, it's a long "O."
That is really gonna get you
in quite a bit of trouble.
So this woman came up
to me and she goes,
you know, I know that
you're a porn star.
I googled you and I said,
wasn't it obvious
upon meeting me?
Why are they all porn stars?
There's no porn
character actors and, um...
There's not.
There's no porn neighbor.
I got your package.
Anyway, um...
So she was right.
It wasn't that she
was a porn star.
There was a woman who has
my name, I think she's Korean,
and she's a phone sex operator.
I know, isn't that crazy?
But there's not a lot of
middle-aged phone sex operators.
Hey baby, yeah, do
you wanna come over
and bend me over
the coffee table?
Yeah, well, not the whole way,
I herniated L3 and L4.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, maybe
I could climb up on top,
well, I can't because I tore
my meniscus, but I...
What fetish do you like?
Bunions.
Shingles.
Maybe we could do
shots, flu shots.
I went to a plastic surgeon,
because I wanted to
get a tummy tuck.
And he had the meanest
receptionist ever.
So I walked in and she
said, so what is it
that you hate the
most about yourself?
And I was like, um...
I said, I just wanna
talk to the doctor.
I'll wait to talk to the doctor.
She goes, what do you hate
most about your body?
And I was like,
okay, I'm gonna cry and, um...
And she goes, I said, I just
wanna talk to the doctor.
And she goes, well,
what do you hate the most?
I'm like, you,
I hate you right now.
You, I hate you.
That's what I hate
the most right now.
So anyway, the doctor came in
and he did the worst
thing possible.
He went like this.
'Cause you know in his head,
he was thinking,
I'm gonna buy a car.
Or a very small boat.
But he saw money.
Anyway, so he goes like this.
He grabs my stomach, literally,
and like walks backwards.
Like as if he was moonwalking
with my stomach.
And he got like a fair
distance away from me
and he said, you know what,
this is not gonna snap back
because of your age and you
don't have any elasticity.
And I was like, well, could you
just walk it back then?
Because this is...
It's all, like this age,
it's very tricky.
I went to the gynecologist,
I'm like, why does
it hurt so much
when I have sex
with my boyfriend,
besides the fact
that I hate him?
And, um...
She said, because as we age
your vaginal walls get thinner.
I'm like, oh, really?
I work out five times a week
and the only part of my body
that's getting thinner
is my vagina.
Great, great.
I often hear as I
walk down the street,
her vagina's so thin.
It looks so much heavier on TV.
It's really very thin.
All right, let that do.
Peace out, thank you.
Being a woman in
comedy is not easy.
You have to be your own
biggest fan, you know.
And not in a big-headed
way, but in the,
if you're not your own
biggest fan, who's gonna be?
The men back when I started,
they were just ridiculous.
Coke-snortin', golf-playin',
arrogant little boys.
They're weren't that
respectful of women.
I had a .357 Magnum,
and if we was gonna fight,
I knew who was gonna get hurt.
I stayed in a condo
for an entire week
with a guy who was
convicted of multiple rapes,
and I didn't complain about it,
even though I knew
he was creepy, because
I wanted to work.
You know, I went from
being a privileged male
to now I'm in like four
different oppressed minorities.
How many times do people
come up to you and go,
you know why I love you,
you say all the things
that I'm thinking and I
didn't get to say myself.
Absolutely.
Sometimes to my
husband, you know.
Because I would,
I think at the beginning
I felt like I will speak,
I'm gonna tell you
all the things that
a woman's actually
really thinking about you.
Yes.
How you doin'?
And you, how you doin'?
Nothin', still nothin'.
"Funny Women of a Certain Age,"
the second special.
Aw, I know, you thought
this was gonna be a one-off.
Listen, I've been doin'
stand-up for 40 years,
and I'm 61 years old.
Maybe I get a pity fuck,
but I don't get a pity special.
I'm so excited about
the show tonight.
Just-- the talent is
unbelievable.
I identify as
a stand-up comedian,
like first and foremost.
We're literally
standing
on a New York
street corner
and we're so old no one's
yelling anything to us.
I've been doing
stand-up for 42 years.
There's still nothing
better than going on stage
and telling jokes
to live drunks.
It doesn't matter
whether it's stand-up
or comedy writing,
I always tell women to
pursue it because,
for example, when
I was at "Seinfeld,"
I know that a man
would have never pitched
Elaine thinks
that the Korean
manicurists
are talkin' about her
behind her back...
Right, absolutely.
...because that had
happened to me.
So I always say to women,
go into the field
because we have
experiences and funniness
that doesn't happen to men.
And we have to use that.
Absolutely.
Unbelievable.
Well, good evening.
What up, Brooklyn?
How great is this?
Thank you all for being here.
Oh, my God,
I am so excited.
What a pleasure to work with
all these women tonight.
Yeah.
But outside of here, not so rosy
ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies, we still have
big strides to make.
You ready for this?
Girlfriend of mine just
got a new job.
First question
the new boss asked her
was if she could make a good
cup of coffee.
Yeah, she stormed
right outta that Starbucks.
So here we are,
funny women of a "certain" age.
Well, I'll get specific with ya,
what the hell.
Couple months ago I turned 63.
Thank you.
Yeah it's so funny, my agent
came to my show last week
and afterwards he's like,
why you tellin'
people in the audience
how old you are?
And I'm like,
because it gets applause.
Yeah, gettin' older.
It's a bitch.
You know what
the worst part is?
You ever have to enter
your age online?
Sit there scrolling.
Scrolling.
But now that I told
you how old I am,
let's see how old you all are.
Do you have an old timey
first name like me?
Carol.
Are you named Cathy,
Susan, Linda?
Mindy?
These are all names
that tell the world,
you're not 30 anymore.
There's no babies
being named Carol.
No.
And here's what's wild, okay.
I go to Starbucks
every day.
I cannot tell ya
how many times
when the barista's asked
my name and I've said Carol,
they've asked me,
with a "C" or a "K"?
With a "C" or a "K."
Yeah, it's actually
with a hard "Q."
Yeah, like in Qatar.
'Nother old timey
first name of
the guys of my generation
is Richard.
Yes Richard, popular name.
And of course,
we all know
the nickname for Richard
would be?
Dick.
Dick!
Yeah, can't go around
callin' people Dick now.
Are you kidding?
Especially in the workplace.
Two seconds, you have
HR up your butt.
Yeah Ms. Leifer
we received a complaint.
Apparently you called Richard
in Accounting a dick.
I didn't call him a dick.
I called him Dick.
Well I'm sorry, but your
argument is pretty half-cocked.
Sorry if you feel like
I've given you the shaft.
Ball's in your court.
Plastic surgery,
haven't had any.
Yep, I'm for real.
Well mostly because
I'm afraid.
I mean, so many
of these procedures
are so wack, aren't they?
Oh my God, have you
heard about this one?
I'm not makin' this one up,
okay.
Where they take the fat
from a woman's buttocks
and inject it into the lips.
Brings a whole new meaning
to the phrase "kiss my ass."
Well what can I say,
I'm old.
I thought Wikileaks
was a new type of pad.
You know what I am totally
obsessed with, though?
You know that
Life Alert button?
Yeah, I know I'm a little
young for it,
but it's amazing,
like you just push it
and they're there like
two seconds later.
I have a feeling though,
I might get a little
devious with it though.
You know, I'd be like,
help, I've fallen,
and I'd love a turkey sandwich.
But I like to think
I'm still pretty hip.
Pretty happenin' with
the young people.
Well, I work with a lotta
young writers you know.
And like last week,
I went to lunch with this guy
who's like 23.
And this great song came over
the PA in the restaurant.
And I said to him,
I wish I could find out
what this song is,
I really like it.
And he said to me,
why don't you Shazam it?
And I actually went,
Shazam.
But I'll tell ya one thing
I love about gettin' older,
oh, I do--
senior discounts!
Oh yeah, you like
a bargain like me, right?
Yeah, but I'll be very honest
with you guys,
a big reason
why I'm here tonight
is because I got a Groupon
to perform.
But it's a different world,
different world
than when I was growin' up.
See it everywhere.
Like, take for instance,
tattoos.
Okay, when I was growin' up
tattoos were like
for sketchy people.
You know,
like unsavory sailors.
Inmates from cell block "B."
Yeah, now my aunt Ruth
in Boca has a tattoo.
Look, it's my brisket.
Technology, isn't it amazing
how far we've come?
You know,
my mom is gone now,
but I think of her
all the time.
You know what invention
my mom would have flipped for?
The navigation system
in the car.
Oh are you kidding?
Another woman talking to her
the entire time
she's in the car.
Are you kidding,
this is a Jewish woman's dream!
And you know how you can
program the accent?
You know, she'd set it to like
Cedarhurst, Long Island.
All right,
I'm gonna put you
on the Long Island
Expressway now.
No, no, you know what?
No, I'm not going to, no.
No, and you know why?
They drive like maniacs
on that LIE, like maniacs.
You get on there, you take
your life in your hands.
No we're doin' surface streets.
We're doin'
surface streets only!
Are you hungry?
Tatala, I only had an
English muffin for breakfast.
And they're not very filling
and oh, my God,
oi gevalt, look out,
make a left, make a left!
And that's what
we call "JewPS."
You've been terrific!
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
Thanks!
Everybody thinks when
you're a road comic
it's this glamorous life.
See this?
This is what it's like to be
a road comic.
Okay, this is the green room.
And where they put you up
is a comedy condo,
which is a broken down,
one-bedroom apartment
that you have to share with
three other male comics.
And the number one rule
in comedy-condo etiquette,
you never eat the mayonnaise.
Why?
Someone's put his dick in it.
Thank you so much.
Holy shit,
we're doin' another one!
So I recently turned 61.
A lot of young people
wanna know
what it's like
being in your 60s.
So basically this is it.
There's a lotta moaning.
But it's not from sex.
Lemme explain what I mean.
So last weekend I was
at my sister's house
for a barbecue, right?
So I said I'd help clean up.
So I'm in the kitchen,
her and her husband
are in the living room,
I'm doin' the dishes,
all of a sudden I hear this.
Oh, oh, oh!
And I'm doin' the dishes going,
are they fucking
in the living room?
I walked in, they were
tryin' to get off the couch.
Look, I am proud
about my age, okay.
I'm so proud about my age.
And when I was in Los Angeles
promoting the first special,
I would talk about
being in my 60s
and the young L.A. women
they were so adorable.
They were like, oh my God,
Carole, you're so brave
talking about your age.
I'm like, I don't go
into burning buildings,
I tell dick jokes for a living,
okay, calm down, calm down.
And this one young girl,
this one L.A. girl,
she was like Carole, I know
you don't like plastic surgery
but I gotta tell you about
this new thing
that they're doing in L.A.
It's called
vaginal rejuvenation.
Have you heard about this?
I know, look at the look of--
you're like, what?
No listen what this is,
it's plastic surgery
for your vagina,
to make it look younger.
Now we have all seen
bad face-lifts, right?
What's a bad face-lift?
If you get a bad doctor
for down there,
what's it's gonna look like?
That's not pretty
is what I'm saying.
It's just not pretty.
But I understand,
I understand why some women
would want to do that, you know,
especially if you're a mom.
Because, we do have a lotta
moms here tonight, right?
Right, right.
Childbirth fucks up your shit.
Do you know what I'm saying?
It fucks everything.
First of all, you know,
young women like,
when they hear about childbirth
they think it's beautiful
and magical.
And angels are singing,
and unicorns are--
you shit yourself,
okay, just so you...
A giant head comes out
of a space this small.
I don't remember much
about my childbirth,
but I do remember
looking down
and seeing the doctor
sewing up my lower region.
And me turnin' to my husband
and going,
might as well,
you're never getting in again.
My son was born
two weeks late, okay.
Typical man, he wanted to
stay inside
as long as he possibly could.
And that little shit would not
come out of me, okay?
So I call my doctor, right?
It was a Friday afternoon,
I'll never forget this,
I said, please can I come in,
please induce me.
He goes, Carole,
I'm golfing this weekend.
I'll induce ya on Monday.
But over the weekend try to
induce your baby yourself.
This is actually
a medical procedure,
it's called
natural induction.
You have to make love a lot,
have nipple stimulation,
and take a lotta long walks.
My husband hears this
and he goes,
so lemme get this straight,
I get to fuck ya,
play with your tits,
and tell ya to go take a hike?
I could do that.
I still can't,
I mean I know that I'm 61,
I still can't believe that
I have an adult son.
I have a 27-year-old son.
And I'm very close
with my son.
Are you close with your kids?
Yeah, I'm very close.
I'm very close to my son.
He tells me everything.
Everything,
Everything!
And it's my fault,
'cause I was pregnant,
I took him with me.
I was on the road,
as a baby, I took him with me,
you know.
He's been around comedy
his whole life, you understand?
So he tells me stuff.
When he was 12,
I was driving him to school
one day,
and we're at a stoplight,
and here's what I hear
my 12-year-old son say to me.
Mommy, don't tell Daddy,
but I haven't masturbated yet.
Okay.
I mean what do you do,
what do you do?
He's tryin' to communicate.
So I was tryin' to like think,
okay I have to say
the right thing.
So very slow, very,
very calmly I said,
honey whenever you're ready,
you go and do it.
And then I gunned the car,
I made it to school
in two minutes.
I'm like, get outta the car!
So when he was 14,
two years later right.
We're back here
in New York City.
He's in the shower.
It's his first day
of high school.
I'm making breakfast for him.
From the shower I hear,
Mom, there's a cut
on my penis!
And in my head I'm thinkin',
do you ever talk to
your fuckin' father?
So I say to my husband,
who's sound asleep,
I get right in his face,
I go,
wake up, your son
has a cut on his dick!
He literally pops outta bed.
He runs into the bathroom.
He runs right back out
and he goes,
he didn't use enough lotion,
I'm goin' back to bed.
Yeah, and that's how
I found out,
'cause the next day all
of my lotion went missing.
And when he was 18 right,
he was dating a young lady
and they were in love.
So they decided they wanted
to lose their virginity
to each other.
So who does he come to?
All I said was,
listen honey just make sure
you use birth control,
right, good mom, right?
So he says, what happens
if my girlfriend says
she's on the pill Mom?
I said that could be Prozac,
do not trust that little bitch.
So I once again
went to my husband and said,
go get--
go get him condoms.
Now, there are reasonable men
in this group.
Most reasonable men would
get their son a three pack.
My husband bought him a box
of 40 fucking condoms.
He went to Costco.
Well, Kirkland makes
an amazing condom.
Thank you, Costco shoppers.
I bought him
a case of Gatorade.
Didn't want him
to get dehydrated.
But here's the best part.
Here's how he told me.
You woulda thought
he woulda called me, right?
He texted me.
Here's the text.
I'm a man now.
So I texted him back.
That is great honey.
I'm gonna go fuck Daddy.
Love you.
And he's 27,
so he's a millennial.
And, like, the people
who have millennials,
are they still livin' with ya?
Oh, they're the worst, man.
They leave, they come back,
they leave, they come back.
I moved, he found me,
you know what I mean?
So he did move out.
The first time
he ever moved
out he was 20 years old.
He was out for two years,
it was really good.
And then he moved back,
he was having roommate problems.
And I remember saying to him,
why did you move out?
You know, we live in New York
City, it's very expensive.
And he goes, Mom,
I was startin' to date.
I was worried if I brought home
a girl you'd walk in on us.
I'm like, that's horrible.
I would never do
somethin' like that.
But then he moved back home,
he brought home a girl,
and I had to
'cause he challenged me.
And it was a Saturday night,
and the subway wasn't running,
'cause the girlfriend
lived in Brooklyn
'cause that's where
they all fucking live.
And I said to him,
I said, hon--
you know, I said to the girl,
I said look it's late,
don't take an Uber,
just stay over,
I'll see ya tomorrow,
everything'll be fine, right?
And then I waited.
About two hours.
And then I just
burst into his room.
Oh you're doin' it all wrong!
Lift her up, lift her up!
And then he moved
to Los Angeles.
Thank you so much everybody.
I love you, thank you!
Thank you so much.
"America's Got Talent"
was life changing for me.
I had a joke in my act
back at the time
where I used the "F" bomb.
Just before the--
I went on stage, the producer
he said to me, Julia,
are you going to say it?
And I was like,
no, man, I'm not--
And he goes, they'll love it.
So I'm on--
I'm filmin' this thing.
It's like 13 million
people watchin'
and I looked at the audience
and I just went,
you know, fuck that!
The audience
just went berserk.
But I saw Simon laughing,
and that was even better.
Oh, my God,
look at this place!
Whoa, man!
Wow, look at this.
Fantastic.
It's so nice to
see so many people here
that I don't know
and it's good to... uh-huh.
So I'm gonna start,
and I'm tellin' ya,
I--I'm, uh... I turned 65.
Please, that just means
I didn't die
from last year, you know.
And I am what's officially known
as the golden years.
I'm in those now.
And I don't know
who named these things,
but that's the stupidest name
I've ever heard in my life.
Golden years,
lemme tell ya somethin',
I was standin' in front of
the mirror naked this morning...
...and if these
are the golden years,
the price of gold
just collapsed.
Everything's goin' on me.
My eyes are goin',
my hearing's going.
All right, you too,
the same thing?
You know what I found
this morning in my microwave?
I found a jar of mayonnaise.
I have no idea
how it got there.
I live alone, so I know
I put it there.
The cat's not capable of
liftin'
such a great weight.
Oh my God, I'm tellin' ya.
I've reached this point where,
I don't know if
I should say this but,
there are some days...
when I just smell funny.
For no apparent reason.
I've had a lotta
health problems this year.
I've had more body parts
moved around this year,
I'm startin' to feel
like Mrs. Potato Head.
Oh, my God, I had--
two years ago
I had both hips replaced.
I had a pacemaker put in.
About a month and a half ago
I had my spine rebuilt.
I know.
That's why I'm telling you this.
And last Christmas,
last Christmas I had
quadruple bypass surgery.
I know.
That was my Christmas present.
All I asked for was I wanted
a puppy, that was it.
My doctor says, now I've got
all my new parts,
I could live to be 100.
I'm like, get the hell
outta here.
You do that I'll sue you
for malpractice, ya bastard.
Have you ever seen
100-year-old people?
They're friggin' creepy.
Oh, my God,
they always have them
on the "Today" show
in the morning.
Right, they wheel 'em out.
Poor bastard doesn't
even know where he's at.
He's lookin' around like,
is this Iwo Jima?
Right, and then they put
the little cone hat on his head.
They pull the chin strap down,
it snaps back up
and he's lookin' like that.
And then they wheel
the cake out.
It's got 100 candles on it.
Like are you kiddin',
he's on oxygen,
get that away from him.
And the gifts, you know,
the gifts suck
when you get older, right?
Right?
You know what,
my birthday gifts,
you know what I got?
Slippers and a jigsaw puzzle.
Right, and I'm supposed to
get excited about this.
I'm like, oh look,
it's a 5,000-piece puzzle.
And it says here on
the box it's 80% sky.
That's gonna keep me busy
on those cold winter nights.
Glad I got these shitty slippers
to keep my feet warm.
I want good gifts
like I used to get.
I want like a bike.
You know, or a TV.
Or a vibrator.
I want a life-size,
chocolate George Clooney.
Right? That I could start
eatin' in the middle.
Right, but I can't even
have chocolate any more,
'cause it constipates me.
That's a big deal in old people
land, constipation, right?
It's such a big deal
we made it into an occasion.
We call it occasional
constipation.
It's like a friggin'
holiday now.
Oh, my God,
Constipation Day's comin',
Constipation Day's comin'!
I can't believe Walmart
put up the Constipation Day
decorations already.
It's only September.
You know.
Are you goin' to the big
Constipation Day parade?
No I'm not movin'.
Neither is the parade.
So, I feel, you know, I been
feelin' outta touch lately,
the older I get, especially
around young people.
I wanna-- I wanna--
like, you're so young.
I mean, I wanna be hip like,
you know, so that you like me.
No, but I do.
And it's, you know, like I--
Especially with the music.
I can't keep up with the music.
Like I just found out
Ariana Grande is not a drink
from Starbucks.
Right?
I swear to God,
I can't even watch
the History Channel any more.
I just sit there all day goin',
I remember that.
I remember that too.
Wait a minute,
is that me runnin'
through the mud
at Woodstock naked?
And the world's gotten
really weird, man.
It's a frightening world.
We're all afraid
of marauders now,
bandidos,
they're everywhere.
Now they got this thing
called a see somethin',
say somethin' hotline.
Are you familiar with this?
Yeah.
If you don't know about it,
what it is,
is, uh, if you see
somethin' suspicious,
you're supposed to call it in.
Big brother, right?
Anybody know the phone number
for the see something?
No.
Anybody ever see something?
But they spend
all this money
to train all these
highly-trained professionals,
to operate the see something,
say something hotline.
I'd be like, see something,
say something hotline.
Ya see somethin'?
Hi, I'm a longtime listener,
first-time caller.
See something,
say something hotline,
ya see somethin'?
Hi, it's my girl's
birthday.
Can you play "Free Bird"?
It's like...
See, the thing of it is,
if you actually ever
see somethin'
you're gonna know it.
You're gonna know it right away.
Like if you ever see say,
I dunno, a coyote...
right, walkin' down the street
on its hind legs,
and it's carryin'
a box of dynamite.
And the side of the box
just says Acme Dynamite Company.
You've seen something,
you know.
So...
You guys are fun, man.
So you should know this,
if you didn't know this
about me I'll tell ya right now,
I'm transgendered.
Where are my trans folks?
Let me hear ya.
Really? Really?
Boy, I'm usually the only one.
It's tough bein' trans
in this country, it really is.
Like I always thought
it would be so much easier
if I were just gay.
Seriously, gay, I could do
gay standin' on my head.
Which would make me very popular
in the gay community.
But it's harder for you if you--
you know, you could be gay
and you could stay in
the closet your whole life.
Nobody ever has to know.
Not if you're trans.
You gotta come out to everybody.
Everybody.
You show up at work one day
in heels and a skirt,
people are gonna notice.
That's when you get a little,
Bob look a little
different to you today?
What is it Bob, new haircut?
I don't know, just...
Oh man, and I, you know,
I hadda come out to my fam--
I had to-- I was married
when I came out.
Boy, shoulda been there
for that conversation.
I took my ex out
for a nice dinner.
We sat down, I said,
honey we have to talk.
She just looked at me she goes,
is it another woman?
Kinda, yeah, you know.
She's like, is she prettier
than me?
I go, yep.
All my female friends
were so welcoming.
They took me right in under,
you know, under their wing.
Men, not so much.
They freaked out.
My friends are like, oh, my God,
he's cuttin' it off.
You're cuttin' it off.
He's cuttin' it off!
That's what they call it.
Yeah I'm cutting it off.
They have like a penis
guillotine set up for me.
I'm flying over to
17th century France.
Right, there'll be a guy there
with a pencil-thin mustache,
a beret,
and a cigarette.
He's like, are you ready
to get the pee-pee cut off?
Okay move the pee-pee closer,
move the pee-pee closer,
move the pee pee--,
and voom, voila,
you are a woman now.
So...
So surprise, surprise,
I don't date much,
'cause I confuse people.
You know, like straight men
don't wanna date me
because they think
I'm a guy,
and that
would make them gay.
Lesbians don't wanna date me,
because they think I'm a guy,
and that would
make them straight.
I'm like...
And you say I have issues,
come on.
I, uh...
some people have suggested
that I try one of these
dating websites.
Well, all these websites
act the same way, right?
They, you know, they make you
fill out a questionnaire.
Right? You know.
And they try to
match you up with
what you have in common with
another person, right?
You're all smart people.
You know, you don't need
a website
to tell you if you have
somethin' in common.
So I say, match people up
by what's wrong with them.
Right, it's a much more
efficient way to do it.
Like, I'll give you
an example.
You match up,
say, the anorexics,
match them up with
the compulsive eaters.
I mean, think about it.
It's like,
you gonna eat that?
No, here you can have it.
I love you.
I love you.
Or you match up the guys
with erectile dysfunction,
match them up with
the vaginal dryness women.
Think about it, it's like,
you feel like doin' it tonight?
Well I do, but I can't.
Neither can I!
I love you.
I love you.
Right?
Or you match up the people
with that sleep apnea,
you know the ones that gotta
wear that gas mask to bed.
Match them up with
the restless leg people.
This way if they stop breathin'
in the middle of the night...
...you got it covered, right?
You'll be-- you'll be
layin' in bed,
it'll be like,
oh, my God, wake up!
Wake up!
I love you.
I love you.
And I love you,
thank you all so much.
I've always been tough.
And you have to be
tough to be this age
and still work in the clubs.
I don't wanna have to try to
convince people to like me.
I know who I am.
There's a young generation
that is not tough.
I could take
the whole generation out
with a jar of peanuts.
Whoa.
Hey.
Well, thank you.
It's nice to see people
actually laughing now.
It's a hard time
in this country.
People are always saying like,
why do you think comics
are havin' such a hard time?
And really you wanna know
why I think we are?
Too many generations
are alive at the same time.
That's why.
I'm not supposed to
have to entertain all of you.
Right?
I'm supposed to
pick a demographic
and stay in my lane.
But you guys wanna come--
there's so many.
You got the Greatest
Generation's alive,
baby boomer
generation's alive,
Gen X, that's me,
Gen Y, millennials, zenial.
Get the hell outta here.
It's ridiculous.
I'm not supposed to
go do a show
and you show up with
your kids.
Look around, some of you
are here with your children.
I don't even know my mother's
first name.
It's not fair.
And listen, my sweet,
young millennials here.
I know you're a little sensitive
and I don't wanna pick on you.
I'm not pickin' on you.
You have somethin' that
our generation
will never have again-- hope.
They told you you could be
anything you wanted.
That was completely
different than our house.
My brother told my father,
I wanna be an astronaut,
he goes you're too
friggin' stupid.
That's not mean,
that's career advice, okay.
And now "stupid" is a bad word,
that's what my son--
my son's 11,
he came home and he said,
Mommy the teacher told me
"stupid" is a bad word.
I said tell your teacher,
Mommy's gotta leave
a lotta other words out,
stupid is stayin' in.
Okay?
Besides, I'd have nothin'
to call his father.
Listen...
That's my husband, I love him.
You would love him too.
I'll talk about him
a little bit later.
I married the hot kid from
the slow class, all right, so...
Hey.
I know who I am.
I take care of me.
I don't need him to do
anything for me.
Have sex with me
and guard the perimeter.
Know your role, all right?
That's it.
What do I need him for?
Yeah that-- you wanna talk about
equal opportunity,
that's when we talk about it.
Now I love the young
generations,
you do your marches,
you do everything.
You know you go, oh women,
we support women.
Of course I support women.
How do you think that all these
new young comics got here.
All these broads that you've
seen march out on stage, okay.
That's how they got here.
Just 'cause I don't know
how to knit a vagina hat
doesn't mean I wasn't
supporting women.
Okay?
Some of you say you support
women and you're lyin'.
You're lyin'. And you go,
how do you know, Tammy?
I'll tell you how.
'Cause I'm not just a comic,
I'm a behavioral scientist.
I watch people and then
I talk about 'em at night.
You lie and pretend
you're supporting women
and I know you're lying 'cause
you'll take a little picture,
even tonight,
with your friends.
Little selfies of yourselves.
Post it up on social media.
And you only fix you.
You leave your friend hangin'.
Oh, my God, you look great.
Did Shrek enjoy
the comedy show?
People can't handle it
when you tell 'em the truth.
I feel like Jack Nicholson
half the time.
You can't handle the truth,
that's the problem.
The problem nowadays is that
life is tough, stuff happens.
My generation is gettin' old.
I now go to the bathroom
at the time I used
to go out to nightclubs.
Okay? I can't find
the piece of paper
I wrote all
my passwords down.
But I did write 'em
in cursive, so there's that.
There's that.
Might wanna be nice
to an old person
if you wanna read
the Declaration of Independence.
Figure out what
you're outraged about.
You think I care?
I know who I am.
You have to know who you are,
you understand?
I know because in my house--
I grew up,
I'm 100% Sicilian,
they didn't let you pretend.
Thank you, the four of you
that I'm probably related to.
And I love my people, but
Italian people are the worst
because there's always one old
Italian lady who's miserable.
You could tell her,
I solved--
I solved cancer,
I cured cancer.
Meh.
Ah.
That was my grandma.
My grandfather,
now he was my best friend.
The day before I got married,
my grandfather showed up.
I opened up the door
he goes, hey Tam,
today is the best day of
your life.
I said, but Pop,
I get married tomorrow.
He goes, I know.
Today, is the best day.
Listen, for me it worked out.
My cousin not so much.
She's livin' with me, right?
'Cause her husband was
takin' pictures of his penis
and sendin' 'em
to random broads.
Not random broads,
I mean they were specific.
That'd be funny if he was
just like air droppin' 'em.
See there's a difference
in generations.
When I say "air drop"
the young people
you know exactly what
I'm talkin' about.
The old people are picturin'
8 by 10 glossies
of a penis...
...with a little parachute
tied on it...
...bein' tossed out
of a World War II bomber.
Poof, poof, poof, poof.
Like sexual propaganda
or somethin'.
That's-- everybody's
sexualized now.
Don't worry about
those penis pictures.
I'm sure there's
an Amish dude right now,
tracin' it on a piece
of parchment somewh--
He's got the candle behind him
to get the proper glow.
He's got his quill,
dippin' it in the ink well.
Then he's gotta roll
it up like a scroll
and trot it to his girl's house.
He knocks on the door,
herest thou goeth Rebecca.
Rebecca unrolls it
and she can't churn butter
correctly for a week.
Don't worry, they're not here,
and they're not gonna be
watchin' either, so get over it.
Get over it.
I'm tired,
just tired all the time.
That's one thing the youth,
you have, you have energy
to have sex and all your fun
little things you do,
like your threesomes,
whatever.
I'm not judging you.
I'm just telling you,
if there was another woman
in bed with my husband and I,
I'd be like,
you got this covered
'cause I got stuff to do.
All right?
I'm busy.
Make me a sandwich before
you leave too, all right?
'Cause I am not gluten free.
I don't know when all
that stuff happened.
Gluten, peanut allergies,
and stop yourself,
I know peanut allergies
are real.
I know it's a real thing.
My brother had a peanut allergy
in the '80s, okay?
Back in the '80s,
you know what my parents did?
Nothing.
Not a damn thing.
They're like you want
that Snickers or not?
So what if you swell?
You don't go to school
'til Monday.
You think they woulda
spent $800 on an EpiPen
when it only cost $400 to have
a new baby at the hospital?
Do the math.
The old math,
not this new stupid math
that they try to tell you.
I can't take it any more.
And I'm tellin' you, like--
and I--
sometimes I feel sorry
for my husband
'cause I'm always on edge,
but the fact of the matter is,
we don't argue over much
any more, okay?
Wanna know what we argue about?
A lotta people
have talked about this.
We argue over the GPS.
He will listen to that GPS
as if it was Moses
coming down off the mountain.
If it said turn left
into the ocean,
he would turn
left into the ocean.
Hey maybe it's a shortcut.
We're submerged right now.
He's like,
you're just jealous.
You're jealous that
I listen to her.
I am jealous.
I'm jealous
she's somewhere else,
and I'm in the fuckin' car
with him.
That's what I am jealous of.
That's what I'm jealous of.
I want that broad's life.
We arg-- I'll tell you.
Here's the other thing
we argue about.
He snores and he doesn't
believe me.
If somebody who shares
a pillow with you,
tells you that you snore,
believe them.
Why would I make that up?
Now it's a game.
Now I gotta prove to him.
Now I'm a documentarian.
I gotta film him, right?
Like I'm lookin' for a Yeti
in the Andes.
This is ridiculous.
Why would I make that up?
I'm in the business
of words.
I'd make up somethin'
way more fantastical.
Be like, you know what
you do while you sleep?
It's the weirdest thing,
you juggle.
Yeah I know.
I know.
I heard this noise,
boom, boom, boom.
I open my eyes,
pillows hittin' the ceiling...
...in a rhythmic formation.
It's ridiculous.
Listen, I love him,
I'm not goin' anywhere,
and that fact was tested.
Couple years ago he got sick,
really sick, he's okay now,
but at the time
when he got sick,
we Googled it on WebMD
and we thought for sure
he was dyin', right?
And he said to me, he goes,
if somethin' happens to me,
I want you to know
you can get married again.
I was like, oh my--
I didn't wanna get married
this time.
What are the odds I'd get
knocked up at this age?
So I said,
what do you mean?
Like, he's testing me.
You realize that, right?
When he tells me
I can get married again.
He's testing me to see
if I'm loyal.
Of course I'm loyal.
I'm a 3:00 a.m. friend.
I will show up at three o'clock
in the morning
with a shovel and bail money,
no questions asked, okay?
That's who I am.
But he's testin'--
I get so mad
he's testin' me.
'Cause what am I
supposed to say to,
you can get married again?
Huh?
Oh, can I have Frank's number
in case you're in a coma.
So I gave him the answer that
I knew he needed, all right,
'cause that's who I am.
I love this man.
This is the light of my life.
I told him, I said listen,
no matter what happens to you,
as long as I walk this earth
there will never be another man
who gets to call me his wife.
And you could tell
he was relieved.
I said but I will
bang a lotta people.
I'm Tammy Pescatelli,
good night, God bless.
Thank you so much.
Good night.
In the '80s,
the club owners segregated us,
because you would never see
two or three blacks on a show.
And we wouldn't see
no women together either
because they deemed us
to all be the same.
You know, comedy is about
one person's reality.
So if I have a period
and I wanna talk about it,
I should be able
to talk about it
'cause I listened to
enough of these white boys
talk about their dicks.
Oh, my God.
I didn't think you people
knew who the fuck I was.
I didn't, I...
I'm so glad to be on
"Ladies Of A Certain Age,"
'cause I'm gettin' up there.
I'm the only one
outta all these women
that's a grandmother.
Yeah I got grandbabies,
but it's not just my job
to spoil my grandchildren.
It's my job to teach
them some shit.
'Cause don't fuck with me,
that's what it is okay.
I was babysittin'
for my granddaughter Zaya,
and I made her a sandwich,
a bowl of soup, and some milk.
She looked at that and said,
we don't eat that.
I said, well what do you eat?
We eat Chicken McNuggets,
Chicken McNuggets
I said don't sing
about chicken, we black.
Don't do that, don't do that.
So I went to her
great grandmother's house
and got one of her
live chickens.
And I brought that chicken back.
And she said,
Grandma what's that?
I said, this my love
is Chicken McNuggets.
And I threw that chicken
in the yard and I said,
now you catch that chicken,
we'll have some
Chicken McNuggets.
Well after chasin' that chicken
for about three hours,
she was more than happy
to eat that sandwich
and a bowl of soup.
And she don't fuck with me
when we ride by McDonald's
'cause she scared
she got to catch a cow.
My job is to teach.
Now some of you new parents,
you fuckin' it up.
You got the game messed up.
I see you on TV.
My child is my best friend.
Your child is not
your friend.
Your child is your offspring,
your progeny.
It is your job to
govern your child.
Your child can be your friend
when they pack they shit
and get the fuck out
your house.
I ain't friends with nobody
who can't buy weed or liquor.
I just don't see...
...where dat's the win-win
in this relationship.
How many people
have grown children
still askin' 'em for money?
By applause.
Before I came here,
my daughter Magdalene asked me,
Mom do you have $185?
I said yes I do, click.
'Cause I fuck with people.
You know, some of you
young people,
you coulda got up out your seat
and let these older people
have the seat.
See that's why
that Shakespeare said,
youth is wasted on the young.
See you motherfuckers
don't think you gonna get old.
If you lucky you will.
Right now your titties
is perky and shit.
But one day you gonna wake up,
and one titty
gonna be over here,
and one titty gonna
be over there.
You gonna lift it up,
find a Gummi Bear and eat it.
And say ain't God good?
See you're a young man,
your nuts is tight.
Your nuts is tight.
But one day you gonna
sit on a toilet,
your nuts gonna hit the water.
You gonna ask her
to suck your dick,
she gonna go, uh huh,
smell like boo-boo,
can't do it.
See the funny thing
about young people
is that they think their
parents have a favorite child.
We don't have a favorite child.
All of our children
are our favorites
just for different reasons.
Now I'm not gonna say
Adam is my favorite,
but I'm gonna say he's mine.
I had him.
My husband is from Trinidad.
We got to the hospital
at 2:00 a.m.
Bill went to park the car,
came back, 2:28 he was
holdin' his son.
He looked at me and said,
ja make that baby fast.
That baby outweighed
his twin sisters.
They thought he was twins.
That baby came
three weeks early.
I tell people
he came out early
'cause there was no more room
in the inn.
I nursed him 'til he was five.
I'm lyin.
I nursed him for a year.
And I tell you young sisters
when you do have your babies
you should nurse them
because it's a beautiful
and bonding thing.
And my husband thought it
was beautiful and bondin' too
the first couple of months, but
around five, six, seven months
he's lookin' at this boy like
he the master cock blocker
of the free world.
He scared he ain't gonna see
my pussy no more in life.
We were foolin' around
and Adam started cryin'.
And I jumped up and
started nursin' him.
Bill is pacing back and
forth goin, look at he.
He do it on purpose.
Tell he to hurry up and eat.
And my son, with my
tit in his mouth,
looked up at his Daddy and
smiled and patted my breast
as if to say, later for you,
Negro, later for you.
That sweet precious boy
told me somethin' I
didn't wanna hear.
Told me he was in love.
That this girl was
different and special.
I said, why am I the last one
to find out?
He said, 'cause, Ma,
you know how you are.
And I said,
How the fuck am I?!
And his father and him went...
I said, well what's
special's name?
He said Melissa.
I said, what's
different about her?
He said, she's an albino.
So I said, bring
the rabbit over.
He's brings Melissa over.
Melissa is a statuesque,
blond-haired, blue-eyed,
look like a Swedish model.
I said, boy, that ain't no
albino, that's a cracker,
what you talkin' about?
I'm teasing, I don't use
those euphemisms in my home,
nor have I taught my children
to use those euphemisms.
I just said that to say this.
You can't tell your
children who to love.
They gonna love who the
fuck they wanna love.
And if you're wise,
you'll keep your narrow-minded
opinions to yourself
and enjoy your grandchildren.
I love Melissa to death,
but that's the non-cookin'est
bitch I ever laid eyes on.
Everything she cook,
Campbell Soup got
somethin' to do with it.
She made some kinda gray,
gelatinous shit,
Bill looked at it and
said, me not eatin' dat.
I looked up at my son, I said,
him not eatin' that.
He said you have to,
I love her.
I said, you fuckin'
her, you gotta eat it.
We goin' to Popeyes.
Now one of my twins is
married, to a woman.
Don't look at me crazy,
I support my children.
And for the people
that profess to be
such great Christians, let
us be clear on somethin'.
It's not between me and God,
it's between her and God.
And if I'm not mistaken,
the Bible clearly states,
judge not lest ye be judged.
Now some of y'all
got family members
get drunk every weekend, you
got to bail 'em outta jail.
My daughter just eatin' pussy.
The way I got it figured
I'm aheada the game.
Is this too real
for some of y'all?
Okay.
I remember like
it was yesterday.
Magdalene called me
up she said Momma,
Keisha gave me a two-and-half
carat, platinum, diamond ring.
I say what?
She said Keisha gave me
a two-and-half carat,
platinum, diamond ring.
I said put Keisha on the phone.
I said Keisha did you
give my baby a ring?
She said yes ma'am, I did.
I said what you tryin' to say?
She said well I know I
took her out your house,
and I know I'm ten
years older than her,
but I love your daughter.
I promise you she
won't want for nothin'.
All her needs will be met.
I adore your daughter.
I wanna grow old
with your daughter.
I said, wow, her Daddy
didn't even say that to me.
I said put Magdalene back
on the phone, please.
I said Magdalene, what
kinda pussy eatin'
is you over there doin'?
I been fuckin' your
Daddy for ten years,
he ain't gave me no
two-and-a-half carat,
platinum, diamond ring.
You tell Mommy what you did.
Tell Mommy what you did.
So she asked me, she
said, will you tell Daddy?
And I said fuck,
I don't feel like that.
And the reason I don't
feel like that
because foreign black men
are the most homophobic men
on the face of the earth.
And that's because
homosexuality is not tolerated
in their country, or
they eradicate it.
So I don't feel
like tellin' him.
I don't, I don't.
I'm sittin' there and
I'm waitin' for him
to come home and
stuff, I'm nervous.
What a friend we
have in Jesus
Oh hi Bill, how you doin'?
How was your day?
Me day good.
That's good.
So Bill, you know
Magdalene right?
He said, yeah me know she.
I said well Magdalene's,
um, gay.
He said, oh ho.
Who's the cock
and who's the hen?
I said, Magdalene is the hen.
But that's really not the issue.
The issue is Keisha gave
Magdalene a two-and-a-half carat
platinum, diamond ring.
And I been fuckin' you for
how long man, how long?
Well, I'mma tell you all
somethin' 'cause I got to go.
Yeah, I got to fuckin' go.
There's cigarettes to be smoked,
and weed to go look for.
Um, you know here
lately in the news,
there's been a lotta
racial upheaval
goin' on in this country.
And I wanted to tell you
'cause we good friends now,
'cause we talked about
dick and everything,
is that we are all Americans.
We are one nation under God.
Hold on, hold on.
And if we have never
stuck together,
we better stick together now.
Because if any other country
was ever to come over here
and take over, we all be niggers
and some of y'all
are inexperienced.
Thank you for letting me be
myself, y'all, thank you.
This is my whole career.
When I get on the plane, I
turn right or I turn left.
I turn right if I'm a
stand-up, and I sit in 38G.
If I turn left, I'm being
an actress and I sit in 2A.
Those are my two lives.
Wow.
I can be in 1A for ten
years, I wanna go to 38G.
I wanna be among people.
I wanna talk.
I wanna be
a stand-up comedian.
I don't want you to
think of me as being,
you know famous, I
want you to think of me
as somebody that
will make you laugh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, really,
thank you, thank you.
It makes me nervous when
you applaud that much,
like you thought I was dead.
Oh, she's alive,
thank God.
How are you?
You know what, thank you,
it's very nice to be on
"Women of a Certain Age,"
because what would the
all-male special be called?
Congress? Um...
I don't like that,
"of a certain age."
What does that mean?
If we were filming this in L.A.,
everyone would be 24.
That's it, done.
I actually live in Los Angeles.
I moved there in my
50s with my tween
because I like a challenge
and, um,
since I've been in Los Angeles,
everybody just talks
about plastic surgery,
just openly, all the time.
And people are always
coming up to me
and they're like, oh, my God,
Caroline your face is so full.
What kind of filler do you use?
Is it Juvederm, or Restylane,
and I'm like, fudge.
It's fudge.
Yeah, fudge.
I put a little bit of
vanilla down by my mouth
and then all around
my eyes is Rocky Road.
But, um...
I'm not a fan of
living in Los Angeles
for a number of reasons.
One, I can't merge,
so I have to leave my house
in the lane that
I wanna end up in.
And that just like
takes forever.
And, um...
It's a long way
to San Francisco.
And I hate Waze so much.
This is my impression of Waze.
Turn left into oncoming traffic.
Cross a five-lane highway.
There is a feather 400 feet
in front of you.
I do find the thing
about aging is my memory
is not so great.
Like whenever I walk in a room,
I can't remember why
I walked in that room,
but for some reason
I always think
there's gonna be a clue
in the fridge and, um...
I'm always like halfway
through a sandwich,
like oh, my God,
I forgot to file my taxes.
Oh, my God.
It's terrible,
the whole memory thing.
If you see two middle-aged women
having lunch together,
they're both just
staring at each other,
like you know they
don't remember
what they had just said.
It's like an episode
of "Law & Order."
I don't know, you said bird
and then the bread came,
and then...
something about your mother,
I don't know.
It comes from my father.
My father, he obviously
lost his memory,
'cause my father,
I have two sisters,
and he would say this
to us all the time.
He'd be like, girls,
the most important thing in life
is one thing and if
you know that one thing
everything's gonna be okay.
What is it, Dad?
What's what, honey?
I'm like, okay.
I had my daughter when
I was 44 and I am,
yes, I know.
It's impressive.
I am 38 now and I...
So my daughter is ten
and she comes home
from school sometimes
and she's like,
there's a girl that
wants to become a boy
and a boy that wants
to become a girl,
and this is very normal for her.
And so she was describing
this boy and she said,
Mommy, he's non-binary.
And I said, well honey
what does that mean?
And goes, Mommy you
should really know.
You should really know.
And I'm like, okay, well, just
explain it to me one more time.
And she said it means he doesn't
identify as a boy or a girl.
And I said, honey,
that's called menopause.
It's very weird, I get
hit on by young men.
I know, it's ridiculous.
Thanks for the complete
and utter shock and I...
Just like dead silence,
like really? No. I...
Really? Yeah.
I do.
This gorgeous 25-year-old,
he was so good-looking.
He was the stage
manager on my show.
And he said, Caroline,
I wanna come home with you.
And I said, are you locked out?
Do you wanna use my phone?
And he said, no, I wanna
be with you.
And I was like,
You do?
Okay, great, I'm gonna
go home right now.
I'm gonna need about
half an hour of lead time
to shoot out every street lamp
between here and my apartment
and then I'm gonna put some
temporary blinding drops
in your eyes.
They're gonna sting at first,
but it's gonna make it better
for both of us.
And I'll be naked with
my stomach over my head,
'cause I had a C-section at 44.
I can't sleep with a young guy.
I live in fear of his
Facebook status saying,
I fucked Aunt Hilda
and it was magical.
I can't do that.
I can't do that.
So this one cute boy,
he kept on saying to me,
send me a picture of your boobs.
And I was like, what!
And he goes, no, seriously,
send me a picture of your boobs.
You want me to send you
a picture of my naked boobs?
And he was like, yes.
So I sent him
my mammogram and...
Yeah, it got rid of his lump.
So I...
I know you like, people do
this now, but you know what,
so I tried to play along.
Do you know how hard it is
to take a good picture
of your boob while holding
the camera over your head,
so you don't have like 50 chins?
I was like, 'cause you're
not gonna send this.
So I was like...
I'm like lying on the bed,
they were both immediately
on the side table.
I, um...
Exhausted from a long day,
sound asleep.
Come one, girls, take a picture.
Seriously, it was like bad
children taking a picture,
one was looking forward,
the other one was looking back.
I was like, oh, come on.
So I finally,
I texted him and I said,
I'm gonna have to send them
one at a time.
I can't.
So I study Kabbalah and my
sister's very supportive.
She calls it Kablahblah and...
And you know, it's like
my teacher's from Israel.
And he has this like
crazy Israeli accent.
And he's trying to really like
teach me the way,
but because of his accent
this is what he says,
Caroline, the most important
thing is that you fuck us.
Fuck us in the morning.
Fuck us all day.
And fuck us right before bed.
I'm like, it's a long "O."
That is really gonna get you
in quite a bit of trouble.
So this woman came up
to me and she goes,
you know, I know that
you're a porn star.
I googled you and I said,
wasn't it obvious
upon meeting me?
Why are they all porn stars?
There's no porn
character actors and, um...
There's not.
There's no porn neighbor.
I got your package.
Anyway, um...
So she was right.
It wasn't that she
was a porn star.
There was a woman who has
my name, I think she's Korean,
and she's a phone sex operator.
I know, isn't that crazy?
But there's not a lot of
middle-aged phone sex operators.
Hey baby, yeah, do
you wanna come over
and bend me over
the coffee table?
Yeah, well, not the whole way,
I herniated L3 and L4.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, maybe
I could climb up on top,
well, I can't because I tore
my meniscus, but I...
What fetish do you like?
Bunions.
Shingles.
Maybe we could do
shots, flu shots.
I went to a plastic surgeon,
because I wanted to
get a tummy tuck.
And he had the meanest
receptionist ever.
So I walked in and she
said, so what is it
that you hate the
most about yourself?
And I was like, um...
I said, I just wanna
talk to the doctor.
I'll wait to talk to the doctor.
She goes, what do you hate
most about your body?
And I was like,
okay, I'm gonna cry and, um...
And she goes, I said, I just
wanna talk to the doctor.
And she goes, well,
what do you hate the most?
I'm like, you,
I hate you right now.
You, I hate you.
That's what I hate
the most right now.
So anyway, the doctor came in
and he did the worst
thing possible.
He went like this.
'Cause you know in his head,
he was thinking,
I'm gonna buy a car.
Or a very small boat.
But he saw money.
Anyway, so he goes like this.
He grabs my stomach, literally,
and like walks backwards.
Like as if he was moonwalking
with my stomach.
And he got like a fair
distance away from me
and he said, you know what,
this is not gonna snap back
because of your age and you
don't have any elasticity.
And I was like, well, could you
just walk it back then?
Because this is...
It's all, like this age,
it's very tricky.
I went to the gynecologist,
I'm like, why does
it hurt so much
when I have sex
with my boyfriend,
besides the fact
that I hate him?
And, um...
She said, because as we age
your vaginal walls get thinner.
I'm like, oh, really?
I work out five times a week
and the only part of my body
that's getting thinner
is my vagina.
Great, great.
I often hear as I
walk down the street,
her vagina's so thin.
It looks so much heavier on TV.
It's really very thin.
All right, let that do.
Peace out, thank you.
Being a woman in
comedy is not easy.
You have to be your own
biggest fan, you know.
And not in a big-headed
way, but in the,
if you're not your own
biggest fan, who's gonna be?
The men back when I started,
they were just ridiculous.
Coke-snortin', golf-playin',
arrogant little boys.
They're weren't that
respectful of women.
I had a .357 Magnum,
and if we was gonna fight,
I knew who was gonna get hurt.
I stayed in a condo
for an entire week
with a guy who was
convicted of multiple rapes,
and I didn't complain about it,
even though I knew
he was creepy, because
I wanted to work.
You know, I went from
being a privileged male
to now I'm in like four
different oppressed minorities.
How many times do people
come up to you and go,
you know why I love you,
you say all the things
that I'm thinking and I
didn't get to say myself.
Absolutely.
Sometimes to my
husband, you know.
Because I would,
I think at the beginning
I felt like I will speak,
I'm gonna tell you
all the things that
a woman's actually
really thinking about you.
Yes.
How you doin'?
And you, how you doin'?
Nothin', still nothin'.