Morgan Stewart's Coming Home (1987) Movie Script
They don't feed you
here, you know.
People are going to
think I'm anorexic.
I've had 6 tests
and a-hi, Morgan.
How you doing?
That's Morgan.
Hello?
Woman: Hello.
Oh. Yo, Frankie.
Hello? Hello?
Hello.
Morgan? Morgan,
is that you?
Mom! Hi, mom.
Awfully sorry,
darling.
There's a change
in our schedule.
Your father and I
have to tape
the Phil donahue show,
so I'm afraid
we'll have to scratch
Thanksgiving.
Ok.
Maybema,
next year-you know,
what's Thanksgiving?
You sit around
eating leftover
Turkey for 4 days.
Donahue people need
a republican senator
and his wife
for a show
on marital stress.
But I'll see you
at Christmas, right?
Well, unfortunately,
darling,
politics demand we spend
a week in The Bahamas.
How come?
How come? Your father
needs a good rest.
Oh, you're not
too disappointed, are you?
No. No, it's-it's-
I know daddy
works hard. I know.
Veryhard.
I know.
You have no idea,
the stress and strain
a senator endures.
So, uh,
so easter, right?
Have you been
eating meat?
You sound depressed.
You ok?
Yeah. No,
I'm really-i'm-
you sure?
No, I'm fine.
I really-i am.
I'm ok.
Well, ok.
See you at easter.
Yeah. Easter.
Uh-huh. Looking
forward to it.
Definitely.
Got to go.
Ok.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Bye, mom.
trimark home video
I'm walking home
in the rain
the blood runs cold
in my vein...
Your parents
ditched you again,
huh, Stewart?
Too bad.
Guess that means
Turkey dinner
with jomo and
mahatma, huh?
What are you talking
about, dickweed?
I'm going home
this weekend.
You lie, Stewart.
Ha ha ha!
If he were my kid,
I wouldn't want him either.
The moon is blue
you sure?
Garrett, my parents
are going to show up
any second now.
They're just running
a little late.
M-My mom says it wouldn't
be like a holiday
without you at our house.
Garrett, have a nice
Thanksgiving, ok?
They're waiting for me.
So long.
Bye-bye.
So the angels say
running to the rescue
angels flying
up above
phantoms in the bay
while the natives pray
to the painted moon
I wash my face
and get dressed
the time cuts
into my rest
so who
invents our dreams?
The hands
that hold the machine
the moon is blue
the moon is cool...
Squanto and samoset.
How! How!
Greg Brady: The Indians
amazed the pilgrims
by speaking some English,
and the pilgrims made
friends with the Indians
and invited them to a feast.
First they gave thanks
for safely reaching
the new world,
then they ate.
So the angels say
Running to the rescue
angels flying
up above
phantoms in the bay
Ok, let's do it.
Come on, hurry up!
Go!
Let's get out of here.
Gentlemen,
I think we're talking
the nobel prize
for revenge.
We did it!
Yay!Yay!
We did it!
We did it!
We did it! We did it!
We didn't do it.
Me?
Oh...
How did it go?
Bad.
Real bad.
Um, I'm going home.
They can't
do that.
They can't just
kick you out.
No, no. They-they
didn't kick me out.
My, uh, my parents
called Mr. Smythe
this morning,
and...they want me
to come home.
He got kicked out.
This is all a desperate
rationalization.
Go ask Mr. Smythe
yourself.
It's the truth.
They want me to come home
and live with them.
Yeah, but you've never
really lived at home.
Sure, I did. I lived
at home till I was 10.
It was great.
But that was
all 7 years ago.
Well, sure, we've been
a little out of touch
but nothing
that can't be remedied.
Garrett, they called me.
I did not call them.
They want me
to come home.
I mean,
I'm going to have
my own kitchen
that never closes,
my own room,
i'm-it's going
to be so cool.
Well, prison life
sure won't be the same
without you.
Garrett, old buddy,
I had it tuned,
gassed up, and ready to go.
It's all yours.
Wow, man, I can't.
Not your Texas chainsaw
massacrechainsaw
with tobe hooper's
autograph.
No. I want you
to have it.
No, seriously, I can't.
I appreciate it,
but, I mean,
this is the Mona Lisa
of your collection.
I couldn't take it.
Oh, uh, Roger, I'll just be
a few minutes, ok?
Keep it warm.
Hello, boys.
Hi.
You sure?
I mean,
that's the only film
that Hitchcock
ever did in 3-d.
Garrett, you want it,
it's yours,
but please
take good care of it.
Well, better
hit the showers.
My mom will be here
any second.
Oh, no.
I got paint detail.
Wait. The hydrants?
No. The curbs
this time.
Well, it could be worse.
You think so?
Well,
it'll only take US
about 3 or 4 years
this time.
Ha ha!
I'll be right back, ok?
See you later, baby.
I got to work.
Oh, my god.
You're not my son.
No, ma'am.
He's-he's
taking a shower.
...hot water
over there?
Incoming!
Oh. Boy, you ok?
Morgan?
Morgan?
Hi.
Mom?
Morgan?
Mom?
Mom.
Morgan?
Mom!
Morgan!
You-you've-
y-you look good, mom!
Mom.
Mom. Uh...
Sounds ethnic.
Well,
hurry up, dear.
Pilot's
waiting.
Sorry, guys.
Heh heh!
Morgan: Mom, I'm real
excited about going home.
Uh, by the way,
where do we live
these days?
Mom: Washington.
We're always in Washington
this time of year.
Ahh, shit!
Morgan,
I'm off to
the hairdresser's.
Make yourself
at home, darling.
I'm home!
Dad?
Dad! I'm home!
Dad...
Whoa.
Whoa!
This must be where
they keep the iguanas.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Huh!
Food processor!
Damn you!
No knife!
Oh!
Look,
is very easy.
Ah! Ha ha ha!
Beautiful, huh?
No knife.
You cavewoman.
Cavewoman!
We in america now!
Free country! Huh!
I smoke when I want
and where I want.
Hi. I'm Morgan.
I think I live here.
Oh. Ha ha!
Welcome
to the kitchen
of your home,
young master.
Ahem!
Allow me to
interrupt myself.
I am Ivan
illych vinnikov.
Hello, Ivan.
Hello.
And my wife,
proskovia fyodorovna
vinnikova.
Huh?
How you doing,
proskovia?
Uh, thank you.
Uh, uh, perhaps
the young master
would like to be
carried to his room?
Sure. I don't see
why not.
Uh, certainly.
If you would be so good,
follow me.
No. After you.
Go ahead.
Unh!
Welcome!
Well...
It's definitely me.
It's, uh...
You know, I always wanted
a cozy little room
that could sleep 50.
Because, you know,
the rockettes
usually stay with me
when they're in town.
There.
At last.
The ultimate den
of iniquity-quity-quity...
Ok...
You guys
go in the bathroom.
Home is where
the heart is. Ha ha!
Hmm...
Now, senator,
there are
many different ways
to use this...
Hey!
I don't think
oglethorpe's endorsement
is going to make
any difference-
senator!
What-whoa!
No! Wait!
Hold it! Stop!
It's ok.
It's all right.
Hi, dad.
Gentlemen,
this is my son.
Oh...it's all right,
hooks. Good work.
How are you?
I'm Jay.
I'm the senator's
new executive aide.
I'm-i'm...
I'm awfully sorry
about this,
but these are
violent times,
you know?
It's ok.
No harm done.
I-i can't begin
to tell you
how much I appreciate
your coming home.
Well, I'm glad
to be here, dad.
Senator!
It is telephone.
Important.
I'll be
right there, Ivan.
I'm awfully sorry-
it's ok. It's ok.
We'll catch up later, ok?
There's something
different about you.
I don't know
what it is.
Uh, well, I've
grown about 4 inches
since last time
I saw you.
I think that's it.
Marshall...
Uh, it's Morgan.
Whatever.
On behalf
of the senator
and the entire
staff,
I want to
welcome you home.
Great. This is
a great house.
Oh, thank you,
thank you.
I picked it out
for 'em myself.
How long
have we lived here?
We're going
to cover that
in the briefing,
my boy.
Briefing?
Jay: Thelma daggett
is a nationally acclaimed
attorney, educator.
She's a pioneer in
the civil rights movement,
she's been compared
to Eleanor Roosevelt,
mother Theresa, and
Florence nightingale.
Ha!
Well...
She sounds like
she'd make a great senator.
So would Santa claus
and the tooth fairy.
Um, no, Morgan.
She's too good
for office.
She wouldn't fit in.
There's no room
in the senate
for a goody-goody
intellectual humanitarian.
She'd stick out
like a sore thumb.
If I may continue,
we're behind in
the polls, Morgan.
Now is the time
for a new strategy.
See, all
we have to do
is present
the voters
with a simple,
obvious choice.
A lonely,
pathetic spinster...
Or Tom Stewart,
just your average
American family man.
Vote for the family.
That's it.
Now,
that's exactly how
we're going to win.
That's
your schedule.
You'll represent
the senator.
You're our little
ace in the hole,
buddy.
Mom:
I've been thinking
about your political
future, Morgan.
Mom, I'm not even
old enough to vote yet.
Yet you're old
enough to date...
The right girls,
of course.
I don't know.
I hear the wrong girls
can be a lot of fun.
You see, mom,
people just-people
just don't date anymore.
They just-you know,
they go out to the movies,
and then
they sleep together.
Oh, please.
Spare me your
locker-room humor,
both of you.
The right woman
can make or break
a man's
political career,
so your dating
the right girl
can make
a crucial difference
to your father's
campaign
as well as proving
a valuable asset
to your future.
That's true, you know.
I always wanted a girl
with a good asset.
Women hold
the slender thread
that all civilization
hangs from.
They lead men
to greatness.
I have just the girl
for you.
Good. Good.
I, uh...
I can't wait
to meet her.
Be sure to smile.
Here he comes.Senator!
Senator, this way!
Wait,here's
wait-your shot-
look this way, sir!
This way,
senator!
Isn't it unusual
that an incumbent
like yourself
should be this far
behind in the polls
this early
in the game?
As I recall, Dewey
had Truman beat
in all the polls,
but Truman
still got elected.
Then you're
not concerned
by Thelma daggett's
popularity?
I'm going to
make my stand
on the American family
because I believe
that's the most important
issue we've got.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Excuse US, folks.
They're Denver oil money,
they're moral majority,
and their support
will mean a great deal
to the campaign.
Now, that's their
daughter Heather,
the one I was
telling you about.
Don't forget
to smile.
Hello.
How are you?
Good to
see you again.
Oh, Heather, you're
looking beautiful.
This is my son
Morgan.
Hi.
Jules,
there's a rumor afloat
you may be on
the wrong team, my friend.
Chlorine
and ultraviolet rays
age you terribly.
But then, I've always
been fascinated
by skin care.
What are your
interests, Morgan?
Um...
Uh, I was dropped
on my head as a baby.
Since then, I've pretty
much lost interest
in just about
everything.
Oh...that's sad.
I have too many
interests-
the young Republicans...
I have 9 different
third-world pen pals,
and I just organized
a "say no" chapter
at school.
It's to help teenagers
say no to premarital sex.
You'd be amazed at how kids
just can't say no.
Send me all the literature
you have on that subject.
Mom: Oh, here he is.
Over here, Morgan.
Yes, I'd like you
to meet our son Morgan.
I don't believe it,
darling!
You're simply too young
to be the mother
of such a darling
young man.
How old are you,
Morton?
Uh, Morgan-
he just turned 12.
Just a baby!
Mom: If you don't
stop disappearing,
I'll have to
put a cowbell
around your neck.
What's that? Meat!
You're eating meat!
Don't eat meat!
But I'm hungry.
Well, why not eat
some drano
or rat poison?
Do you know
what meat does
to your body?
Little globs
of putrid fat
choking
your arteries.
Flecks of gristle
trapped
between your teeth.
Stringy, smelly
chunks of dead flesh
rotting out
your lower tract.
Christ, Morgan,
don't you see what
eating meat does to
your complexion-
yoo-hoo!
Hello, Sylvia!
Mom, everybody has zits
when they're my age.
Well, we'll have to do
something about that,
won't we? Hello, Sylvia!
I, uh, how are you?
Oh, it's so nice
to see you again!
Thanks for coming by.
Oh, ho!
Hi!
Hi.
Try acting like you're
having a good time, sport.
Ok.
Mom: Isn't
Heather a Saint?
Morgan: Oh, yeah,
she's a real Joan of arc.
Somebody ought to
tie her to a stake
and set her on fire.
No!
Look at this.
What?
This man actually
hopped around the world
on one foot.
You know what's wrong
with peoplemagazine?
We've never been
on the cover.
Jay says we have to wait
for them to come to US.
He says if we go to them,
it's a guaranteed
hatchet job.
Um, not necessarily.
I had a nice
little discussion
with bill whitewood
this evening.
You are amazing.
All my stuff is gone.
What stuff?
Oh, some pornographic
film posters, I suppose.
I had Ivan remove them.
Mom, horror films
are not pornographic.
Where are they?
In the incinerator
by now.
Oh, no-mom,
they were mine!
Mom, it took me years
to collect them.
I don't believe this!
Now don't get
so emotional.
There are members
of the press
trotting through
this house all the time,
and I will not have
that expensively
decorated bedroom
turned into
a Times Square
subway station.
But it's my room!
Yourroom?
No, no, no, son.
Don't you see?
Your room is your room
the way our room
is our room,
but in a wider sense,
our house...Is...
Our house.
And you are
a guest!
I'm not a guest!
I'm your son,
for crying out loud!
I mean, if we're going
to pretend to be a family,
we might as well take
advantage of the situation.
Now wait.
Just one moment, please.
Now, I know
it's trendy and all that,
but I don't subscribe
to the buddy-buddy school
of parenthood.
I'm not a pal.
I'm a mother.
Good night, Morgan.
I can't believe this!
I'm an orphan with parents!
We are going to be a family
if it kills me.
Things are going to
change around here.
Marsha Brady on TV: Well,
you heard him tell her
what a great job
we were doing
taking care
of the house
so she wouldn't worry
and come home.
Greg: That's right.
No, it's wrong.
We're doing a terrible job.
We're trying, but
we're not trying together.
Charge!
Mike: Ok.
Once again, kids,
I've called a-
a late-evening meeting,
but this time, it's not
for a medical bulletin
or to lecture you
about carelessness.
It's to tell you how proud,
how pleased I am...
Of course.
It's so obvious.
Greg: We're glad
you're pleased, dad,
'cause we really tried.
See here?
Look.
"Surgeon general"
encourages
all American comrades
to smoke a lot.
Huh!
You won't take time
to learn English.
Then you must suffer
in ignorance.
I don't fart!
Ah?
Wait. You wait.
I become
real estate tycoon,
divorce you,
and marry beautiful
stewardess. Oh!
How you doing?
I come. I come.
You can't get good help.
Let's go!
I come. I come.
Aah!
I told them not to hire
that Russian.
Ohh!
Morgan, what on earth
is going on down there?
Oh, I was just doing-
whoaaah!
The floor.
Just doing what
to the floor?
Uh...uh, waxing it
a little.
I want you at that
breakfast table
in 20...
Make that
18 minutes.
And dressed properly.
Not like a psychedelic
crop duster.
Ok?
Ok.
Does anybody know
I'm out here?!
Uh, what? Oh, no,
thanks, Ivan. Save it.
I'm, uh, I'm sorry
about the floor, Ivan.
It's ok.
Mmm! Looks good.
Hey, dad, uh...
I was thinking about, uh,
getting a couple of tickets
to the redskins game.
Oh, I don't know, Morgan,
I'm very, very busy.
Actually,
we could get
some very nice media
mileage out of that.
Father and son rootin'
for the home team.
Nancy: Fix it, Jay.
Jay: I'll take care of it
right away.
Nancy: No, I know,
but listen, Marjorie,
what's been bothering me
all day
is should I seat the Websters
on the right or on the left?
Mm-hmm. Well, no,
I'd like to insult them,
but I don't want
to alienate them.
Oh, yes, Jay.
I'm trying to find Morgan.
I need him to sign something
from the bank.
Well, he's probably
upstairs
performing an autopsy
or something.
Can you hang on a minute,
Marjorie, please? Thanks.
Morgan! Where are you?
Yes, Marjorie.
Now, what
is this?Oh, god.
I cannot tell you
the problems I'm having.
What areyou doing?
I was just doing
the windows.
Pretty good idea, huh?
No. Come on in. Jay wants
you to sign something.
I'm sorry, Marjorie.
Oh, you think I should
seat them on the right,
then tell them
it was a mistake
and have them move
to the left?
No, look, stewarts
do not do chores.
We most assuredly
do not do windows.
Just stop sneaking around
like a hyperactive handyman.
Yeah. No, no,
I was talking to my son.
Yeah. No, he just keeps
doing these things to help.
Oh, he must get it
from his father's side
of the family.
Uh, what is this?
I've opened a safe deposit box
in your name
at throckmorton trust
to keep the silver-dollar
collection
your aunt Matilda
left you in her will.
Well, I didn't know
aunt Matilda died.
I didn't even know
aunt Matilda.
Mm-hmm.
But, uh, how many
did she collect?
I don't know.
About 500 or so, I think.
This is for your own
protection, Morgan.
Your mother thought
it was a good idea.
Right here.
Ok.
Ah, thank you.
Nancy, I need you
to sign this, too,
to certify you
as legal guardian.
No, I know. We were going
to have the soybean tartare.
Uh-huh.
With a marsala sauce.
A Greek thing, maybe.
No, I think it's grace.
Well, whatever it was
really...
Uh, Jay.
Yes?
Uh, where's the key?
What key?
To the safety deposit box.
I mean, considering that it's
my silver-dollar collection,
don't you think
I should have the key?
Oh-ho-ho, please!
What's the matter,
you don't trust me?
Hey!
Hey! I'm your
uncle Jay, kid.
Here.
Wait a minute.
On second thought, maybe
I better hang onto this.
I'm not sure you can
handle the responsibility.
You want the key?
It's right here
in my vest pocket
anytime you need it.
Well, Jay...
What are you
wearing now?!
Oh, not you, Marjorie.
Sorry. Morgan.
Now I want you to go
into town with Ivan
and purchase some
suitable clothing.
And no more chores.
If I'd wanted a servant
for a son,
I'd have had sex
with the chauffeur.
Sorry, dear.
Where were we?
No, I did not invite her.
Oh, that's all I need-
some divorced actress in heat
prancing around in a sarong
made of saran wrap.
Ivan: You clean
the house good.
Madame pleased, yes?
No, madam not pleased.
One day soon,
I be building
and selling condos.
Big profits.
In Russia,
no real estate
opportunities.
Maybe you want to invest
a little something?
Oh, I don't know, Ivan.
I make you partner.
I'll think about it.
Christmas.
Great concept.
You got one hour.
Meet me at the car.
Ok.
Attention, shoppers,
get George romero's
autograph at waldenbooks.
Meet the creator
of the living dead,
film director
George romero
live, in person,
at waldenbooks
on the south concourse.
You been waiting
here long?
I can't believe
he's here.
Attention, shoppers,
get George romero's
autograph at waldenbooks.
Meet the creator
of the living dead,
film director
George romero
live, in person,
at waldenbooks
on the south concourse.
Hey! Sorry I'm late.
Man: Hey, come on.
The line starts back there.
Uh, sh-uh, she's with-
she's with me, mister.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, uh, no problem.
Uh, it happens to me
all the time.
I don't mean to pry, but,
uh, uh, do I know you?
Uh, I don't think so.
What's your name?
Uh, Morgan.
What's yours?
Uh, Emily.
You can call me m.
You know, like
dial m for murder.
You know, that's, uh,
that's one of my favorites.
Did you know it was
the only Hitchcock film
ever made in 3-d?
Yeah.
Yeah. I-i knew that.
Morgan:...Shopping mall,
so you'd have a hard time
knowing the difference
between the living dead
and your average
Christmas shopper.
Yeah! What
a comparison, though.
Oh, but you know what
my favorite was?
Which one? Night of the
living dead.
That's the best one.
That's definitely the best one.
Well, that was the original.
It was in black and white.
I love black and white.
I adore black and white!
Isn't it the best?!
It's the best.
Horror films are definitely
the purest form of cinema!
Horror films
are so pure.
I love horror films!
They are the best!
This is so funny. I was
exactly thinking that.
I cannot believe-
hey! Watch it, man!
Sorry. I, uh...
Oh, uh, where's his head?
I'm, uh...
That's just really
a demeaning question.
It's my turn,
it's my turn.
Take this.
Sir, here you go.
Uh, so, anyway,
i-i was just wondering
if there might be
some way
for US to maybe get
together sometime?
You-you mean
like a date?
Well, not necessarily
a date.
Just, well, a date.
Sure. You have a car?
Uh, yeah, sure.
Uh-huh.
Well, cool. Well, um,
I was planning on going
to a late show of attack of
the killer tomatoestonight.
You wanna go?
Sure.
Sure. What about
your folks?
Oh, well, they trust me.
It's cool.
But if it's not cool
with you, it's ok.
We can do it another night.
No, I'm real close to my
parents. We're like this.
So I guess, uh, I guess
I'll pick you up, right?
Yeah, you can pick me up
around 8:00 at my house.
You can have dinner with US.
I'll tell my mom. She'd
love to have you, really.
Oh, great, um...
Does-does your family
eat meat?
Yeah. Every night.
Oh, great. Great.
I'm in love,
I'm in love, I'm in-
he's in love, yes!
He's in love
and he's been in love
the last hour and a half
and he's in love,
love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love,
ahh!
Hi, mom.
I'm in love,
yes, love
love, love, love, love
love, love, love,
love, love, love
Oops. Aha, mistake.
Love, love, love, love
love, love, love
love, love, love, love,
love, love
i'm
in...
Love
catch, mom!
Dear god, he's on drugs.
Doc, I am not on drugs.
Then perhaps there's
another explanation
for your behavior?
Well, yeah,
my mother and father.
Well, then, how do your
mother and father behave?
Well...
Dad's joined the ranks
of the political undead,
and sometimes my mother
acts like I'm a sperm
who chewed through her
diaphragm like a piranha fish
just to destroy her life.
I see, then-then you're
trying to get back at them.
No, I just want to be close.
Look, I know that washing
the windows and doing the floors
isn't gonna make
any difference, i-
just maybe they'll
get the message.
In all honesty, Morgan,
I don't see how
you're going to get your
message across by...
Talking to yourself,
pretending
to be a servant,
collecting pornographic
film posters, and...
Giving spontaneous
dance recitals.
Oh, god.
Look, doc, ok. I'm...
I'm gonna level with you.
Ok, I have been doing drugs.
I understand. I'm glad
you told me, Morgan.
For your sake, I'm glad.
Now exactly what kind
of drugs?
I've been freebasing
clearasil.
To a large extent,
Morgan's violent
mood shifts,
his bouts of irrationality,
the paranoia,
his persecution complex,
can all be attributed
to adolescence.
Thank you, doctor.
Well, isn't there some
kind of hormone shot
you could give him?
I'm afraid not.
There's no known
cure for puberty.
Good-bye, senator.
Tom: It's good to
have Morgan home.
It's as if we really
were a family now.
Oh, I don't know, Tom.
He worries me.
He seems so eager
for affection.
Maybe I should've breast-fed
him when he was an infant.
What are you
talking about?
Breast-feeding.
Very chic nowadays.
They say it helps create
some sort of affectionate bond
between mother and child.
Maybe I didn't
cuddle Morgan enough.
Maybe that's why
he's so needy now.
Well, maybe we sent him off
to boarding school
too early.
Well, I went to boarding school
when I was 5.
I wasn't breast-fed.
I didn't see my parents
till I was 6 months old.
They took this
extended tour of Europe
to recover from my birth.
Mother felt she deserved it.
And I turned out just fine.
Oh, good lord.
Too much hugging and kissing
could cripple a child.
Look at the Italians.
They're all manic-depressives.
Rock this town, be the prince
of the city tonight
cruisin' such a hot car
everybody starin'
at the stoplight
let's roll and rock
shock the city tonight
I've got my baby
by my side
kissin' me and holdin' on
so tight
they had me locked up
for so long
it's time I finally sing
my freedom song
roll and rock
I'll shock the city
tonight
roll and rock
I'll be the prince
of the city
roll and rock
I'll shock the city
tonight
Volvo...
Eat my dust! Ah!
Prince of the city
the prince of the city
tonight
voices on the radio
riding through the city
with my heart light
Emily: Billy,
get away from that door.
Hi, you're Emily's
boyfriend, aren't you?
Billy!
Wow!
Billy, come here!
Boss set of wheels!
He's just...
Billy! Get here now!
You little doofus.
That's my brother.
Yeah. Ha.
I figured that out.
Cool car, though.
Thanks.
Emily's father:
The sauce is great, Mary.
Thank you, dear.
There we go.
Pass the meatballs if you
get a chance, Morgan.
Sure.
Hey, Morgan, that's
a neat car you got out there.
Thanks, Billy.
Grandma, you hogging
the peas again?
Not me.
It's-it's him.
What?
Basta, mama.
My mother's got a thing
about peas.
Oh. Oh, these meatballs
smell wonderful, Mrs. Kasela.
Thank you.
And so timely.
Oh, why is that?
Oh, Morgan has
this thing about meat.
Oh, it's my favorite
form of sustenance.
Yeah.
I think you stole the car.
You all right, Morgan?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Billy, why don't
you have some peas?
Your mom made some
wonderful, wonderful peas.
Mom, Morgan stole the car.
That's nice, dear,
now eat your dinner.
So, Emily,
what movie are you
dragging him to?
Attack...
Of the killer tomatoes!
Father: Oh, no!
That's-that's a lemon.
A lemon?!
Hey, dad...
Morgan stole a car.
Enough, Billy.
You said that 3 times.
You realize, of course,
that strait-jacket
is playing
at the inner circle.
Now, you talk about
a classic hatchet murder-
that's it.
Huh, don't listen
to him.
I didn't flinch once
that whole film.
You tell me another film
where you see a human head
bouncing down the stairs.
Fred!
Why won't anybody
listen to me?
He stole a car.
I'm not gonna let you
get away with this.
Father: Ok,
have a nice time.
Billy:Emily:
Mom, mom.Night, dad.
Nice meeting you,
Morgan.
Drive carefully now.
You hear me?
Billy: Mom, I'm gonna
call the cops.
Get back in here, Billy.
Get back in here.
Oh, you must've
overdosed on my family.
No, they're great,
especially Billy.
Where did they
capture him?
Actually, um,
marlin Perkins
brought him over
from wild kingdom
about 11 years ago.
Rock this town, be the prince
of the city tonight
cruisin' such a hot car
everybody starin'
at the stoplight
let's roll and rock
shock the city...
Attack of
the killer tomatoes
attack of the killer
tomatoes
they'll beat you,
bash you
squish you, mash you
chew you up for brunch
and finish you off
for dinner or lunch
attack of
the killer tomatoes
attack of the killer
tomatoes
they'll beat you,
bash you
squish you, mash you
chew you up for brunch
and finish you off
for dinner or lunch,
lunch, lunch
dinner or lunch
I'm afraid, gentlemen,
that what we have here
before US
isn't what we thought.
You don't mean...?
This...
Is a cherry tomato.
Aaaah!
Aaaaaaaah!
It's so asleep.
I can't-ohh.
It's totally-well, you've
gotta, like, shake it.
No. Don't shake it.
You've got to move it. I know,
but you've got to move it.
It'll stop really quick.
Ok, ok. Ahh. It's fine.
No problem. See?
Hey, no problem.
Let's go somewhere.
Aren't you tired?
I just had a nap.
I feel great. Come on.
Come on, this way.
Come on.
Both: attack of
the killer tomatoes
attack of
the killer tomatoes
It's beautiful.
I love it.
Pull up a step
and have a seat.
What are we
supposed to do here?
This is my room.
What?
Everything's always
so crazy at my house.
There's always
something going on,
so I come here 'cause
it's a real nice view,
and there's
peace and quiet.
I shoot the bull with
my pal Abe in there.
He doesn't talk much,
but he's a real good listener.
Yeah, I like
monuments.
I love 'em.
When I was in school,
I used to do my homework
in a cemetery.
Well, 'cause, you know,
I was really into
the hand-carved benches
and the 8-foot angels
and stuff.
Yeah, everybody thought
I was so weird.
They used to
call me morbid.
Morbid Morgan!
Yes, morbid Morgan.
I'm so embarrassed.
No.
Yes.
Blabbermouth. That's
what they call me.
I talk too much.
No, no, no.
I don't think so.
I like
talking to you.
Where would you go right now
if you could go anywhere?
Oh, boy.
Uh, I'd go skiing.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You like the snow?
Oh, I love it.
I used to go skiing
with my family
all the time
when I was a kid.
I'd stay out there till
my face turned blue.
But it was fun.
It was fun.
We haven't been on
a family vacation
in a long time,
but, uh...
We will...Someday.
I'm working on it.
So, uh, do you ski?
Um, no. Actually,
I don't know how.
Well, come on.
I'm gonna show ya.
You're gonna teach me?
Stand up. I'm gonna
teach you how to ski.
We got a whole mountain
down here.
All of Washington
laid out in front of US.
Ready to go?
Keep your skis parallel
and your feet together.
Ok, ok.
And use your hips
for balance.
Mobility.
And mobility.
And use the sticks
to push along.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I watch the Olympics.
Ok, ready? You don't
have to go down.
Just watch.
Shoo, shoo, shoo.
The sound effects
is it.
Shoo, shoo, shoo,
shoo, shoo, shoo.
Try it. Come on.
Ok, ok, ok.
Shoo. Right?
Yeah.
Shoo, shoo.
Oh, I'm getting it.
You've got
the hang of it.
You're better
than I am.
Downhill racer.
Shoo, shoo.
Shoo, shoo, shoo.
Ahem.
Good evening, officer.
Cross-country.
Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.
Shoo, shoo. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god. Ha ha.
Oh, my god.
Keys.
Do you wanna come in?
Oh, I'd love to,
but, uh...
I got to get home.
Well, um, I really
had a great time.
So did I. So did I.
I-i had a great time.
And I was wondering
if maybe
we could do it
another time.
If I'm going too fast
for you, forget it.
Tomorrow night?
Great.
Yeah?
Great.
Wait, um, pen.
Hand, please.
Ok, um...
Ok, that's my phone number.
You'll call me?
Ok.yeah.
Ok.
Um...
Good night.
Good evening,
senator Stewart.
Good evening, officer.
Come in.
Is there
something wrong?
Evening, ma'am.
Good evening.
Sorry to have to
wake you like this,
senator Stewart,
Mrs. Stewart,
but we got a report
earlier this evening
that your car
was stolen.
Probably just a prank.
Sounded like a young kid
on the phone.
Oh, shit.
You, turn around.
Put your hands on the car.
Gimme your left hand.
Morgan?!
Uh, hi, mom. Hi, dad.
Uh, you didn't have
to wait up for me.
Morgan, let me
give you the facts.
Sometimes children are
a liability in politics.
Look at all these
Washington brats.
Take your pick.
Nothing but drugs, sex,
automobile accidents,
Hollywood parties,
ad nauseum.
And I will not have
the son of my candidate
sniffing cocaine
or knocking up starlets
or being a guest host
on Saturday night live.
Ok, I know it was dumb.
I shouldn't have
taken the car,
and I'm sorry, ok?
Well, it's not
the end of the world.
Oh, sure, go ahead,
encourage him.
Maybe tomorrow night
he can steal the rolls.
You, young man,
are hereby grounded
until further notice.
You are not permitted
to leave this house,
even if it's on fire.
Understood?
Yes, mother.
Well, good. I'm finally
going to bed.
What?
Oh, sorry, champ.
Just trying to earn a living.
Could you
do me a favor, please?
Hand me those wire cutters
right down there.
Gimme a hand.
What are you
putting up in there?
This sucker here.
State of the art.
Saticon tube.
6 to 1 zoom.
Just about
see in the dark.
You better watch
your pud polishing,
if you catch my drift.
"Pud polishing."
Now, that speech-
Nancy, that is gonna
make or break
the entire campaign.
I'm gonna have live television,
live radio coverage.
Everybody in this state
is either gonna
be watching or listening
as the senator talks
to a small, intimate group
of friends and supporters
and family.
What would you say,
about 200 people or so?
That's terrific, Jay.
Thank you. They'll all
come to the home,
have a little
Christmas cheer.
Put everybody in the spirit
of giving, you mean.
Mom, I have
to talk to you.
That's a great
inspiration
right there.
The spirit
of giving.
Mom, it's real important.
You gotta let me off
restriction tonight.
Oh, no.
Mom, I promised somebody
very important
that I'd see them.
I'm sorry about
the car, ok,
but I'll pay for
the damages myself.
How do you propose
to do that,
hold up a 7-Eleven?
Well, I'll go to my
safety deposit box
and take out aunt Matilda's
coin collection.
Absolutely not.
I don't think that's
a very good idea.
Why not?
I know that your aunt
would have wanted you to
save that for college,
something
more substantial.
Then I'll get a job.
I'll work at a McDonald's
or a gas station
or something.
McDonald's? Over my dead,
withered, decomposed body.
Fantastic job, Jay.
Mom...
No. You will stay on
restriction tonight,
tomorrow night, and for
the rest of your young life.
Elephants and mothers,
Morgan, never forget.
Now bear down,
will ya, kid?
No, it's ok, Ivan.
It's just me.
Hi. How you doin'?
I say that right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Perfect.
Thank you.
How I'm doin'? For starters,
I've been grounded for life.
There are TV cameras
all over the house
watching my every move.
And I can't even
make a phone call
without the whole world
knowing about it.
Huh. It sounds like Russia.
Huh.
Hello.
It's me Morgan.
Perfect timing. I was
just on my way to work.
What's up?
Emily, I, uh,
I don't think
I'm gonna be able
to see you tonight.
Actually, I don't think
I'm gonna be able to see
you for a long time.
Why? What's going on?
My mother.
I'm gr-
my mother's father.
Uh, my grandfather.
It's his heart,
you know, it's, uh...
It's broken.
Anyway, I think i'm
gonna have to go away
for a long time.
Well, um, when
are you leaving?
Can I see you
before you go?
Uh, uh, no, I don't-
I don't think so.
I'm gonna be...
I'm gonna be
real busy.
Are you ok? I mean,
you sound a little bit
weirded out or something.
Oh, no, no,
everything's great.
I'm just a little
worried, that's all.
So, uh, watch out
for those
killer tomatoes,
will you?
Mind if I join you?
Don't worry. I wont tell
if you won't.
It's a deal.
So, uh, when did mom
get on this
vegetarian kick, anyway?
About 6 months ago.
She went to see this
holistic manicurist
who told her that eating
meat had given her
the fingernails of
a 90-year-old woman.
That was it.
No more meat in
the house period.
God, when mom gets her
mind set on something...
Mother's not
the easiest person
in the world to live with.
But...
We wouldn't be where
we are without her.
Where exactly are we?
Son, we're in the senate.
The United States senate.
Dad, you know...
This is the first
sandwich we've shared
since before
I went to school.
I mean, before you
even ran for office.
Don't you remember
the football games
we used to go to?
The cabin in the country
where you taught me
how to ski.
I mean, we used to go
up there every weekend.
Just you, me and mom.
I mean, I thought we
were pretty happy then.
I don't know, morg.
I think we're
pretty happy now.
Yeah. That's just
what I thought.
Hey.
Aren't you supposed
to be grounded?
Yeah.
Better get back
to my cell.
Dad...
I'm really glad
things worked out
so well for you.
Thank you, son.
Oh, come in, Morgan.
Hi, mom.
Uh, I was, uh-
don't tell me, darling.
I know what happened.
There was a spaceship
that landed
with little
green men in it,
and they attacked you
with hatchets,
and then they sucked
you out of the house
through the mail slot,
and then they beamed
you back again.
It's a good try.
It's a good try.
They actually sucked me out
through the doggy door,
but you were very close.
Very close.
This is not funny,
Morgan.
Ivan, where'd
you put my-
hey, dude.
What's going on?
Uh, nothing.
How did you get in?
I rang the doorbell
and some guy answered it.
Happens all the time.
I didn't really
understand him,
but on the way up, I think
he tried to sell me a condo.
That's Ivan.
You want to know
how I found you?
Washington's a small town.
This is a really,
really great house.
How's your grandfather?
Your grandfather?
Oh. I'm sorry, uh,
he's a little better.
That's good.
Um, well I really just
came by to say, you know,
hi and good-bye.
I thought we were gonna
go skiing sometime,
but when you called me
yesterday, I just-
it just didn't look like it
was ever going to happen.
So...
Good-bye, Morgan.
Emily.
Are your folks home?
Uh, no.
Actually, they're out.
Do you have any food?
Yeah.
Uh, sorry, this is
all I could find.
Anything. It's food.
I'm starving.
So you're pretty rich,
huh?
They are. I'm not.
All I have is
500 silver dollars
in a coin collection
that my aunt left me.
You see, my mom's dad
was a big, uh...
I mean, is, a big
robber-baron type.
What's he into?
Oh, all sorts of things.
This is really good.
What is it?
Dog food, mainly.
Oh, oh, no, no.
That's my-that's
my mom's eggplant.
Uh, dog food is, uh,
how my mom's dad
made all his money.
You see,
I'm supposed to say
that the family fortune
came from horses.
You know, like tallyho
and off to the races
and all that crap.
Well, the only horses
my family ever owned
were the ones that
they chopped up
and put in little cans.
Ew.
See, my mom's real into
making the right impression,
and she's real hard
to understand sometimes.
Oh, anyway you
look at it, I mean,
raising parents is a drag.
Especially mothers.
I mean, it's taken me
16 years
of Patience, understanding,
a whole lot of screaming
and yelling,
I mean, just to get her
where she is now.
Probably take me a whole
'nother 16 years
just to get it right.
But it's worth it.
Whoa.
Oh! Whoa!
Smooth move!
Oh, my god.
Whoo!
You look good
in water.
Oh, my god. I don't
believe this.
Hey, takes a licking,
keeps on ticking.
I'm so wet.
Oh, it's cold out here.
Come on. Come on.
Ok, I'm coming.
I'm freezing.
I'm freezing.
Oh, that's
the stupidest thing
that's ever happened to me
in my entire life.
Ooh, I'm freezing.
Jesus Christ, my toes
are the same color
as your uniform.
Oh, I can't even
feel my toes.
Good thing we went
to the great expense
of having the pool
heated.
You could have told me that.
You didn't have to push me in.
I'm gonna take a shower.
What are you gonna do,
just stand there
and catch pneumonia?
Thank you, god.
Thank you, god.
Aah!
Out of my way.
I need a shampoo.
Need a shampoo?
Well, here comes Jorge
your transylvanian
hairdresser.
This is terrific.
Oh, I gotta-
And you never actually
see the knife
touch Janet Leigh's
body.
You know what? It took
Hitchcock 7 days
to shoot that
shower scene.
And it's only on film
for, like, 3 seconds.
You like that part
where she screamed
and the violins came in?
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Mom-mom,
close the curtains.
Introduce me please,
Morgan.
Mom.
Allow me to introduce
myself.
I am Nancy Stewart.
And whoever you are,
you have precisely
60 seconds
to get out of this house
before I call
the vice squad.
Em-Emily, I'm sorry.
Morgan!
Emily!
Morgan!
Emily!
Morgan!
Emily!
Morgan!
Emily!
Emily, come back.
Emily!
Morgan!
Morgan, come back here
right now!
Morgan!
Morgan! Don't you dare.
Emily!
Emily, wait!
Damn.
Hi, mom.
Mrs. Whitewood,
how are you?
Mr. Whitewood,
looking good.
Oh, uh, how's Heather?
Yeah. Ok.
Oh, tilly, I tell you,
these progressive schools.
Who says Republicans
don't know
how to have fun,
huh?
Ha ha.
Morgan!
Morgan, I simply do not
understand this behavior.
Tonight I have suffered
the worst humiliation
of my entire life.
You leave me with only
2 words to say...
Military school.
Well, I'm not going!
Oh, yes, you are.
And I know just the place.
My old Alma mater,
milhouse military academy.
You're the only mistake I made
in this campaign, Morgan.
Maybe milhouse can
make a man out of you.
Please, Jay,
don't make me go.
Talk to mom.
You're the only one
who can convince her
to let me stay.
I'll change. I know
you don't like me,
but I'll change, ok?
I'll do anything.
Anything you want.
You want me
to take out Heather?
I'll even
take out Heather.
Oh, you're gonna like
general fenton.
He knows how to deal
with brats like you.
Jay, please.
Thanks, Jay.
General fenton.
Oh, it's been so long.
Jay, it's good
to see you, my boy.
I'm glad you're here.
Come right in,
please, sir.Thank you.
Come right in, gentlemen,
cadets, soldiers.
Yes, sir. Whoo.
As my boy Jay knows from
firsthand experience-
oh, by the way, Jay,
how long has it been?
Oh, that was the, uh...
That was the class
of '64, sir.
The class of '64.
Oh, that was a class.
Yes, sir.
But, you see, at milhouse
we hate failure.
We eradicate failure.
We rip it out by the roots.
When I get through
with your son,
he'll be capable of
defeating any enemy,
any time, any place,
be it foreign or domestic.
Nancy: Morgan is on a
strict vegetarian diet.
He's not to eat meat
under any circumstances.
The problems you're
facing with your son
are problems we face
every day at milhouse.
Let me assure you,
I mean...
We have
a trained staff
of professionally
trained people
who handle this
all the time.
So I can assure you
there's nothing
out of the ordinary...
We apply the right
approach.
You may feel that it's
old-fashioned, but it works.
I would say that
this is not a problem.
Let's go, men.
Oh, good. Glad to see
you're packed.
General fenton is here.
Wrong way.
Morgan!
Oh, god!
Oh, my god! Morgan!
Morgan!
Tom: Morgan!
Morgan, don't you
dare go down there!
Morgan, you'll
hurt yourself!
Oh, my god, Tom,
look what he's doing!
Damn it!
Morgan!He's getting away!
God damn it, do
something, general!
Get him!
Lord if I won't die
dead and gone
gone
keep on riding
keep on riding
Emily, it's me Morgan.
There's nobody home.
Oh, come on, Emily.
I-I'm sorry.
You lied to me.
All that stuff about
your parents being
so cool.
You probably don't even
have a grandfather.
Ok, I shouldn't
have lied.
Then why did you?
'Cause the truth sucks.
'Cause my parents
and I are strangers.
We just have
the same last name.
I was shipped off
to boarding school
when I was 10.
And I was dumb enough
to think
if I could get myself
kicked out enough times
that eventually they'd
run out of schools
and have to
take me home.
You know what
really sucks is...
They never did.
I went through
8 schools in 6 years.
Then all of a sudden,
they call me up.
They said they wanted
me to come home.
It was a joke.
They didn't want me.
They wanted a cardboard
cutout labeled "kid"
for their campaign
poster.
I used to pray that
my dad would resign
or lose the election.
Now I don't even care.
So, uh...
So what I came for
was to...
To say good-bye,
'cause I'm leaving.
I'm running away.
Can I drive you somewhere?
Senator, I need
to speak to you.
Not now, Jay.
They're checking
all the hospitals,
halfway houses,
the morgues.
I'm expecting 200 guests
for a festive
press conference.
I'm getting a migraine.
He's probably just
gone off somewhere
to work out his problems.
This whole idea about
military school
is a terrible mistake.
Uh, senator...
Jay, can't it wait?
No, I'm afraid
it can't, sir.
Oh, Jay, really,
you should know better.
Oh, that's right,
that's right.
You don't like
smoking in the house.
I'm awfully sorry.
But, uh, under
the circumstances...
Under what
circumstances?
Emily: What are we
doing here anyway?
What do you usually
do at banks?
You get dollars.
Well, can't you write
a check or something?
No, because our old
pal Jay decided
that aunt mathilda's
coin collection
would be better off
in a safe deposit box.
Look, instead of
running away,
you can just come
stay at our house.
I mean, my parents
loved you.
Oh, great, I can
bunk with Billy.
Ok, scratch that idea.
I guess it's your life
and you know what
you're doing with it.
I can show you to the
vault now, Mr. Stewart.
Please sign here.
Thank you.
Holy shit.
Maybe they compounded
the interest.
In my pocket,
I have the key
to Morgan's
safe deposit box
in which I have
placed $500,000
in marked $100 bills...
From your campaign fund.
The box also contains
the records
of how the contributions
were laundered.
All of which were co-signed
and authorized
by Nancy
and Morgan Stewart.
I must say, senator,
you have some family.
I mean, they
couldn't have been
more help to me
if they'd been part
of the scam themselves.
Did you sign
something for Jay?
God, Tom, you know, I sign
things all the time-
did youjay has been
sign this?Running
this campaign
for US. I'm given...
I can't begin to read
each and every word.
This is senator
Stewart's office.
Man on telephone:
It's ernemann.
Ah, yes, yes. I'll
take care of that.
One second, please.
Excuse me, folks.
Minor detail.
I'm sorry.
We have to find out
what happened.
Yeah. Now listen,
first of all-
we got big trouble.
It's an emergency.
The Stewart boy came
in here and cleared out
the safe deposit box.
Jay, he had the key.
What-what do you mean
had the key?
That's impossible. I got
the key right here.
Why didn't you
stop him, you idiot?
I had my own
receipt book in there
along with the money.
I just got back
from my lunch hour.
Jay, you know
I'm hypoglycemic
and have to eat
precisely at noon.
I don't think
they care very much
about that in prison,
ernemann.
And that's exactly
where we're gonna be
if you don't get
that money
and those files back!
Well, you don't
have to shout.
You fruitcake.
The same to you
and your mother.
What?
Here are the whitewoods.
They're all here.
All the names of
the contributors
and receipts for all
the contributions
to my father's campaign.
I hate to say this,
but it looks like
your parents are
pulling a scam.
Well, my family
has plenty of money.
And besides, it's too
late in the campaign
to use any
of this stuff.
My family may be
a lot of things.
They are not crooks.
No, this has to be Jay.
He had the key to
the safe deposit box,
and these receipts are not
in my dad's handwriting.
But why? I cannot
figure that out.
I mean, if this got out,
it could ruin my dad,
especially right now.
Well, I don't see why you're
getting so bummed out.
I mean, if you
look at it,
it's kind of what
you wanted, right?
I mean, your dad getting
out of politics.
No, not this way.
Listen, I gotta make
a stop, but come on.
Where are we going?
I'm going home.
I'll make it very simple
for you, senator.
Tonight, while the entire
state of Virginia
watches and listens,
you're going to very quietly
and with great dignity
withdraw from the race.
Is this some
kind of joke?
Wishful thinking, senator.
First, we leak news of
the missing money to the press.
Then a photostatted copy
of the bank document
opening the account
will be mailed anonymously.
Do you want me to go on?
Why are you
doing this?
Well, it all comes down
to money, senator.
And I'm afraid
the other side pays more.
Now, I think you both should
get dressed for the party.
All your lovely guests
will be arriving soon.
Morgan: Roadblock.
Pull over, pull over.
Go ahead, sir.
Maybe we should
come back another time.
Your mother can't
really handle surprises.
No shit.
Ok, give me your jacket
and your glasses.
And all I got to do
is get to my dad
before the press conference.
I can't believe
you're doing this.
I know it's feeble,
but it's all they had.
And all it's got to do
is get me past the cadets.
General, he is
a dangerous psychopath.
Now, we're talking
about a sick thief.
He's a threat to his
own father's life.
Now, he has to be
kept away from here,
has to be kept away
from the senator
at all costs.
You hear that?
I'll take care of him.
Believe me.
That boy
humiliated me, Jay.
I can't stomach that.
I hate punks.
I'd like to grab 'em
by the ears
and puke in their faces.
That's why
I knew you were
the right man
for this job, sir.
Damn right, Jay.
Cadets, 10-hut.
Detail ready
for inspection, sir.
Thank you, captain.
We're up against
a slimy little turd.
And we're gonna get him,
aren't we, boys?
Cadets: Yes, sir!
Now, what were you before
you came to milhouse
military academy?
Cadets: Scum, sir!
What kind of scum?
Dope-smoking,
foul-talking,
rock 'n' roll
pervert scum, sir!
And what are you now?
Good little boys, sir!
You haven't lost
your touch, general.
Thank you, Jay.
Captain, you can
deploy the men.
Captain: To your posts,
gentlemen.
Uh, mister, excuse me.
Sure.
I am buying some
land in Florida.
The everglades.
You know it maybe?
Oh, it lookslook up
lovely.There.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
Believe me, Steve,
the senator is very aware
of your generosity.
And, uh, he just has
to play it a little cool
at the moment,
you understand?
Loose lips sink ships.
But when the time
is right,
you can be sure he'll be
showing his gratitude.
To hell with
gratitude, Jay.
You just make sure
that highway bill
gets out of committee
in one piece.
Hey, Steve, don't sweat it,
my friend. No problem.
That's good little boys.
Now remember. Keep
a sharp eye out for him.
Ok, let's move out.
Cadets: Yes, sir!
All posts on full alert.
All posts on full alert.
Oh, Tom.
How could I have
been so stupid?
Tom, for god's sake.
You are a United States
senator.
We'll fight this with
everything we've got.
Now, Jay can't possibly
get away with this.
He may not need to.
Well, what do you mean?
If we fight back,
Jay will just stoop
even lower than
he already has.
We've allowed him
to get close
to so many people
in our lives,
the fallout's gonna
be devastating.
Well, there goes
the cover of people.
Who cares?
We'll fight him, Tom.
On the beaches,
in the air,
on the land,
on the sea.
Together
we can beat him.
Together we hired
a sleazy, cheap con man
because we thought
he had street smarts, huh?
Some street smarts.
We've been so desperately
afraid of losing,
we've already lost.
We've lost our dignity,
we've lost
our self-respect.
We've lost our son.
Let's go downstairs.
Well, whatever you decide,
senator Stewart,
just look to your right
because I'll be
standing there.
Morgan, there you are.
I'm so glad
you could make it.
Oh, a present for me?
You really shouldn't have.
Now, I'm awfully sorry that
you're gonna have to miss
seeing your father
withdraw from the race.
Actually,
I wrote the speech.
It's really quite touching.
Take him away, boys.
Hey, Morgan,
want a ride?
Come on. Get on!
What great timing.
Ow! Hey!
A fox is in
the chicken Coop.
Alpha-Charlie to base.
Alpha-Charlie to base.
Come in.
Yes, sir. He won't
get by me, sir.
All right, let's go.
Head him off
at the back!
Let's go.
Geronimo!
My fellow virginians,
it is with a heavy heart
and a great deal
of regret
that I stand before you
this afternoon.
Oh, no.
Oh, shit.
Hold on.
Move it. Come on!
Halt!
Oh, my god.
We've got 'em now.
Wait a minute. Wait.
Stop the Jeep!
Stop the Jeep!
Aah!
Oh, they think they're
getting away, huh?
Let me out of this.
They tried this
in Berlin in '45.
Oh, oh.
Morgan: Oh, my god.
Jay: This damn thing
doesn't have seat belts.
Seat belts?
Jay:Emily:
Watch it!Look out!
Watch it,
you goddamned idiot!
You're speaking to
a superior officer.
All right,
you're an idiot, sir.
Now that's better.
Jay: Where in the hell
are they going?!
Coming through.
My god,
it's Morgan.
Dad, catch!
Read the receipt book.
We got Jay by
the short hairs.
Morgan, hold on.
Excuse me.
Oh...
Shit!
Get out of the way!
Out of the way!
Come on, general!
After him!
Oh, shit!
Go! Go!
Emily: We're cut off.
Left turn.
Jay: Wait, wait!
What are you doing?
Wait, you crazy bastard!
General: Ha ha ha.
This is living.
Jesus Christ, fenton!
General,
you're an asshole!
Now what the hell
is go-
put the brakes on!
Aah!
Aah!
Oh, my god, Tom.
Oh, god.
General, you're a-
you're a complete idiot!
You're a goddamn asshole!
Jay: I hate you.
Jay, Jay, you don't
mean that.
No, you can't mean that
after all we've been through.
Oh, thank god.
You got it.
Have you got
everything?
Jay: Die, you
son of a bitch, die.
Morgan voice-over:
With my new hero status,
I was able to really
crack the whip,
and we finally took
a family vacation.
Dad will always
be in outer space,
but at least I've got him
in an earth orbit,
and we're getting
to be pals.
Mom's a tough one.
She's getting
a little better
with the hugging
and kissing.
Oh, I did get her
to eat a hamburger.
That was a real
breakthrough.
Oh, and Jay took
a nice long vacation
at a very exclusive resort.
He deserved it.
Ivan's in
the real estate business
and he's doing swell.
That's his new wife Monica.
They're enjoying
the American dream
in their new home.
I got a postcard
from Anna.
She's happy back in Russia
and making new friends.
Oh, Emily and I
are super tight.
I took her
to the junior prom.
We were the best looking
couple there.
Like em said,
raising parents
does take a lot of work,
but it can be done.
Having a real family
is one of the big thrills
on this planet.
Oh, by the way,
dad won the election.
Mom got the cover
of people,
and I got a family.
trimark home video
captioning performed by the
Whoo-hoo
walking home
in the rain
blood runs cold
in my veins
news from
a distant shore
blues like never before
the moon is new
the moon is full
the moon is blue
the moon is full
painted moon
coming to the rescue
angels from another world
love is here to stay
so the angels say
running to the rescue
angels flying up above
phantoms in the bay
while the natives pray
to the painted moon
I wash my face
and get dressed
the time
cuts into my rest
so who invents
our dreams?
The hands
that hold the machine
the moon is blue
the moon is cool
painted moon
coming to the rescue
angels from another world
love is here to stay
so the angels say
running to the rescue
angels flying up above
phantoms in the bay
while the natives pray
to the painted moon
painted moon
here, you know.
People are going to
think I'm anorexic.
I've had 6 tests
and a-hi, Morgan.
How you doing?
That's Morgan.
Hello?
Woman: Hello.
Oh. Yo, Frankie.
Hello? Hello?
Hello.
Morgan? Morgan,
is that you?
Mom! Hi, mom.
Awfully sorry,
darling.
There's a change
in our schedule.
Your father and I
have to tape
the Phil donahue show,
so I'm afraid
we'll have to scratch
Thanksgiving.
Ok.
Maybema,
next year-you know,
what's Thanksgiving?
You sit around
eating leftover
Turkey for 4 days.
Donahue people need
a republican senator
and his wife
for a show
on marital stress.
But I'll see you
at Christmas, right?
Well, unfortunately,
darling,
politics demand we spend
a week in The Bahamas.
How come?
How come? Your father
needs a good rest.
Oh, you're not
too disappointed, are you?
No. No, it's-it's-
I know daddy
works hard. I know.
Veryhard.
I know.
You have no idea,
the stress and strain
a senator endures.
So, uh,
so easter, right?
Have you been
eating meat?
You sound depressed.
You ok?
Yeah. No,
I'm really-i'm-
you sure?
No, I'm fine.
I really-i am.
I'm ok.
Well, ok.
See you at easter.
Yeah. Easter.
Uh-huh. Looking
forward to it.
Definitely.
Got to go.
Ok.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Bye, mom.
trimark home video
I'm walking home
in the rain
the blood runs cold
in my vein...
Your parents
ditched you again,
huh, Stewart?
Too bad.
Guess that means
Turkey dinner
with jomo and
mahatma, huh?
What are you talking
about, dickweed?
I'm going home
this weekend.
You lie, Stewart.
Ha ha ha!
If he were my kid,
I wouldn't want him either.
The moon is blue
you sure?
Garrett, my parents
are going to show up
any second now.
They're just running
a little late.
M-My mom says it wouldn't
be like a holiday
without you at our house.
Garrett, have a nice
Thanksgiving, ok?
They're waiting for me.
So long.
Bye-bye.
So the angels say
running to the rescue
angels flying
up above
phantoms in the bay
while the natives pray
to the painted moon
I wash my face
and get dressed
the time cuts
into my rest
so who
invents our dreams?
The hands
that hold the machine
the moon is blue
the moon is cool...
Squanto and samoset.
How! How!
Greg Brady: The Indians
amazed the pilgrims
by speaking some English,
and the pilgrims made
friends with the Indians
and invited them to a feast.
First they gave thanks
for safely reaching
the new world,
then they ate.
So the angels say
Running to the rescue
angels flying
up above
phantoms in the bay
Ok, let's do it.
Come on, hurry up!
Go!
Let's get out of here.
Gentlemen,
I think we're talking
the nobel prize
for revenge.
We did it!
Yay!Yay!
We did it!
We did it!
We did it! We did it!
We didn't do it.
Me?
Oh...
How did it go?
Bad.
Real bad.
Um, I'm going home.
They can't
do that.
They can't just
kick you out.
No, no. They-they
didn't kick me out.
My, uh, my parents
called Mr. Smythe
this morning,
and...they want me
to come home.
He got kicked out.
This is all a desperate
rationalization.
Go ask Mr. Smythe
yourself.
It's the truth.
They want me to come home
and live with them.
Yeah, but you've never
really lived at home.
Sure, I did. I lived
at home till I was 10.
It was great.
But that was
all 7 years ago.
Well, sure, we've been
a little out of touch
but nothing
that can't be remedied.
Garrett, they called me.
I did not call them.
They want me
to come home.
I mean,
I'm going to have
my own kitchen
that never closes,
my own room,
i'm-it's going
to be so cool.
Well, prison life
sure won't be the same
without you.
Garrett, old buddy,
I had it tuned,
gassed up, and ready to go.
It's all yours.
Wow, man, I can't.
Not your Texas chainsaw
massacrechainsaw
with tobe hooper's
autograph.
No. I want you
to have it.
No, seriously, I can't.
I appreciate it,
but, I mean,
this is the Mona Lisa
of your collection.
I couldn't take it.
Oh, uh, Roger, I'll just be
a few minutes, ok?
Keep it warm.
Hello, boys.
Hi.
You sure?
I mean,
that's the only film
that Hitchcock
ever did in 3-d.
Garrett, you want it,
it's yours,
but please
take good care of it.
Well, better
hit the showers.
My mom will be here
any second.
Oh, no.
I got paint detail.
Wait. The hydrants?
No. The curbs
this time.
Well, it could be worse.
You think so?
Well,
it'll only take US
about 3 or 4 years
this time.
Ha ha!
I'll be right back, ok?
See you later, baby.
I got to work.
Oh, my god.
You're not my son.
No, ma'am.
He's-he's
taking a shower.
...hot water
over there?
Incoming!
Oh. Boy, you ok?
Morgan?
Morgan?
Hi.
Mom?
Morgan?
Mom?
Mom.
Morgan?
Mom!
Morgan!
You-you've-
y-you look good, mom!
Mom.
Mom. Uh...
Sounds ethnic.
Well,
hurry up, dear.
Pilot's
waiting.
Sorry, guys.
Heh heh!
Morgan: Mom, I'm real
excited about going home.
Uh, by the way,
where do we live
these days?
Mom: Washington.
We're always in Washington
this time of year.
Ahh, shit!
Morgan,
I'm off to
the hairdresser's.
Make yourself
at home, darling.
I'm home!
Dad?
Dad! I'm home!
Dad...
Whoa.
Whoa!
This must be where
they keep the iguanas.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Huh!
Food processor!
Damn you!
No knife!
Oh!
Look,
is very easy.
Ah! Ha ha ha!
Beautiful, huh?
No knife.
You cavewoman.
Cavewoman!
We in america now!
Free country! Huh!
I smoke when I want
and where I want.
Hi. I'm Morgan.
I think I live here.
Oh. Ha ha!
Welcome
to the kitchen
of your home,
young master.
Ahem!
Allow me to
interrupt myself.
I am Ivan
illych vinnikov.
Hello, Ivan.
Hello.
And my wife,
proskovia fyodorovna
vinnikova.
Huh?
How you doing,
proskovia?
Uh, thank you.
Uh, uh, perhaps
the young master
would like to be
carried to his room?
Sure. I don't see
why not.
Uh, certainly.
If you would be so good,
follow me.
No. After you.
Go ahead.
Unh!
Welcome!
Well...
It's definitely me.
It's, uh...
You know, I always wanted
a cozy little room
that could sleep 50.
Because, you know,
the rockettes
usually stay with me
when they're in town.
There.
At last.
The ultimate den
of iniquity-quity-quity...
Ok...
You guys
go in the bathroom.
Home is where
the heart is. Ha ha!
Hmm...
Now, senator,
there are
many different ways
to use this...
Hey!
I don't think
oglethorpe's endorsement
is going to make
any difference-
senator!
What-whoa!
No! Wait!
Hold it! Stop!
It's ok.
It's all right.
Hi, dad.
Gentlemen,
this is my son.
Oh...it's all right,
hooks. Good work.
How are you?
I'm Jay.
I'm the senator's
new executive aide.
I'm-i'm...
I'm awfully sorry
about this,
but these are
violent times,
you know?
It's ok.
No harm done.
I-i can't begin
to tell you
how much I appreciate
your coming home.
Well, I'm glad
to be here, dad.
Senator!
It is telephone.
Important.
I'll be
right there, Ivan.
I'm awfully sorry-
it's ok. It's ok.
We'll catch up later, ok?
There's something
different about you.
I don't know
what it is.
Uh, well, I've
grown about 4 inches
since last time
I saw you.
I think that's it.
Marshall...
Uh, it's Morgan.
Whatever.
On behalf
of the senator
and the entire
staff,
I want to
welcome you home.
Great. This is
a great house.
Oh, thank you,
thank you.
I picked it out
for 'em myself.
How long
have we lived here?
We're going
to cover that
in the briefing,
my boy.
Briefing?
Jay: Thelma daggett
is a nationally acclaimed
attorney, educator.
She's a pioneer in
the civil rights movement,
she's been compared
to Eleanor Roosevelt,
mother Theresa, and
Florence nightingale.
Ha!
Well...
She sounds like
she'd make a great senator.
So would Santa claus
and the tooth fairy.
Um, no, Morgan.
She's too good
for office.
She wouldn't fit in.
There's no room
in the senate
for a goody-goody
intellectual humanitarian.
She'd stick out
like a sore thumb.
If I may continue,
we're behind in
the polls, Morgan.
Now is the time
for a new strategy.
See, all
we have to do
is present
the voters
with a simple,
obvious choice.
A lonely,
pathetic spinster...
Or Tom Stewart,
just your average
American family man.
Vote for the family.
That's it.
Now,
that's exactly how
we're going to win.
That's
your schedule.
You'll represent
the senator.
You're our little
ace in the hole,
buddy.
Mom:
I've been thinking
about your political
future, Morgan.
Mom, I'm not even
old enough to vote yet.
Yet you're old
enough to date...
The right girls,
of course.
I don't know.
I hear the wrong girls
can be a lot of fun.
You see, mom,
people just-people
just don't date anymore.
They just-you know,
they go out to the movies,
and then
they sleep together.
Oh, please.
Spare me your
locker-room humor,
both of you.
The right woman
can make or break
a man's
political career,
so your dating
the right girl
can make
a crucial difference
to your father's
campaign
as well as proving
a valuable asset
to your future.
That's true, you know.
I always wanted a girl
with a good asset.
Women hold
the slender thread
that all civilization
hangs from.
They lead men
to greatness.
I have just the girl
for you.
Good. Good.
I, uh...
I can't wait
to meet her.
Be sure to smile.
Here he comes.Senator!
Senator, this way!
Wait,here's
wait-your shot-
look this way, sir!
This way,
senator!
Isn't it unusual
that an incumbent
like yourself
should be this far
behind in the polls
this early
in the game?
As I recall, Dewey
had Truman beat
in all the polls,
but Truman
still got elected.
Then you're
not concerned
by Thelma daggett's
popularity?
I'm going to
make my stand
on the American family
because I believe
that's the most important
issue we've got.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Excuse US, folks.
They're Denver oil money,
they're moral majority,
and their support
will mean a great deal
to the campaign.
Now, that's their
daughter Heather,
the one I was
telling you about.
Don't forget
to smile.
Hello.
How are you?
Good to
see you again.
Oh, Heather, you're
looking beautiful.
This is my son
Morgan.
Hi.
Jules,
there's a rumor afloat
you may be on
the wrong team, my friend.
Chlorine
and ultraviolet rays
age you terribly.
But then, I've always
been fascinated
by skin care.
What are your
interests, Morgan?
Um...
Uh, I was dropped
on my head as a baby.
Since then, I've pretty
much lost interest
in just about
everything.
Oh...that's sad.
I have too many
interests-
the young Republicans...
I have 9 different
third-world pen pals,
and I just organized
a "say no" chapter
at school.
It's to help teenagers
say no to premarital sex.
You'd be amazed at how kids
just can't say no.
Send me all the literature
you have on that subject.
Mom: Oh, here he is.
Over here, Morgan.
Yes, I'd like you
to meet our son Morgan.
I don't believe it,
darling!
You're simply too young
to be the mother
of such a darling
young man.
How old are you,
Morton?
Uh, Morgan-
he just turned 12.
Just a baby!
Mom: If you don't
stop disappearing,
I'll have to
put a cowbell
around your neck.
What's that? Meat!
You're eating meat!
Don't eat meat!
But I'm hungry.
Well, why not eat
some drano
or rat poison?
Do you know
what meat does
to your body?
Little globs
of putrid fat
choking
your arteries.
Flecks of gristle
trapped
between your teeth.
Stringy, smelly
chunks of dead flesh
rotting out
your lower tract.
Christ, Morgan,
don't you see what
eating meat does to
your complexion-
yoo-hoo!
Hello, Sylvia!
Mom, everybody has zits
when they're my age.
Well, we'll have to do
something about that,
won't we? Hello, Sylvia!
I, uh, how are you?
Oh, it's so nice
to see you again!
Thanks for coming by.
Oh, ho!
Hi!
Hi.
Try acting like you're
having a good time, sport.
Ok.
Mom: Isn't
Heather a Saint?
Morgan: Oh, yeah,
she's a real Joan of arc.
Somebody ought to
tie her to a stake
and set her on fire.
No!
Look at this.
What?
This man actually
hopped around the world
on one foot.
You know what's wrong
with peoplemagazine?
We've never been
on the cover.
Jay says we have to wait
for them to come to US.
He says if we go to them,
it's a guaranteed
hatchet job.
Um, not necessarily.
I had a nice
little discussion
with bill whitewood
this evening.
You are amazing.
All my stuff is gone.
What stuff?
Oh, some pornographic
film posters, I suppose.
I had Ivan remove them.
Mom, horror films
are not pornographic.
Where are they?
In the incinerator
by now.
Oh, no-mom,
they were mine!
Mom, it took me years
to collect them.
I don't believe this!
Now don't get
so emotional.
There are members
of the press
trotting through
this house all the time,
and I will not have
that expensively
decorated bedroom
turned into
a Times Square
subway station.
But it's my room!
Yourroom?
No, no, no, son.
Don't you see?
Your room is your room
the way our room
is our room,
but in a wider sense,
our house...Is...
Our house.
And you are
a guest!
I'm not a guest!
I'm your son,
for crying out loud!
I mean, if we're going
to pretend to be a family,
we might as well take
advantage of the situation.
Now wait.
Just one moment, please.
Now, I know
it's trendy and all that,
but I don't subscribe
to the buddy-buddy school
of parenthood.
I'm not a pal.
I'm a mother.
Good night, Morgan.
I can't believe this!
I'm an orphan with parents!
We are going to be a family
if it kills me.
Things are going to
change around here.
Marsha Brady on TV: Well,
you heard him tell her
what a great job
we were doing
taking care
of the house
so she wouldn't worry
and come home.
Greg: That's right.
No, it's wrong.
We're doing a terrible job.
We're trying, but
we're not trying together.
Charge!
Mike: Ok.
Once again, kids,
I've called a-
a late-evening meeting,
but this time, it's not
for a medical bulletin
or to lecture you
about carelessness.
It's to tell you how proud,
how pleased I am...
Of course.
It's so obvious.
Greg: We're glad
you're pleased, dad,
'cause we really tried.
See here?
Look.
"Surgeon general"
encourages
all American comrades
to smoke a lot.
Huh!
You won't take time
to learn English.
Then you must suffer
in ignorance.
I don't fart!
Ah?
Wait. You wait.
I become
real estate tycoon,
divorce you,
and marry beautiful
stewardess. Oh!
How you doing?
I come. I come.
You can't get good help.
Let's go!
I come. I come.
Aah!
I told them not to hire
that Russian.
Ohh!
Morgan, what on earth
is going on down there?
Oh, I was just doing-
whoaaah!
The floor.
Just doing what
to the floor?
Uh...uh, waxing it
a little.
I want you at that
breakfast table
in 20...
Make that
18 minutes.
And dressed properly.
Not like a psychedelic
crop duster.
Ok?
Ok.
Does anybody know
I'm out here?!
Uh, what? Oh, no,
thanks, Ivan. Save it.
I'm, uh, I'm sorry
about the floor, Ivan.
It's ok.
Mmm! Looks good.
Hey, dad, uh...
I was thinking about, uh,
getting a couple of tickets
to the redskins game.
Oh, I don't know, Morgan,
I'm very, very busy.
Actually,
we could get
some very nice media
mileage out of that.
Father and son rootin'
for the home team.
Nancy: Fix it, Jay.
Jay: I'll take care of it
right away.
Nancy: No, I know,
but listen, Marjorie,
what's been bothering me
all day
is should I seat the Websters
on the right or on the left?
Mm-hmm. Well, no,
I'd like to insult them,
but I don't want
to alienate them.
Oh, yes, Jay.
I'm trying to find Morgan.
I need him to sign something
from the bank.
Well, he's probably
upstairs
performing an autopsy
or something.
Can you hang on a minute,
Marjorie, please? Thanks.
Morgan! Where are you?
Yes, Marjorie.
Now, what
is this?Oh, god.
I cannot tell you
the problems I'm having.
What areyou doing?
I was just doing
the windows.
Pretty good idea, huh?
No. Come on in. Jay wants
you to sign something.
I'm sorry, Marjorie.
Oh, you think I should
seat them on the right,
then tell them
it was a mistake
and have them move
to the left?
No, look, stewarts
do not do chores.
We most assuredly
do not do windows.
Just stop sneaking around
like a hyperactive handyman.
Yeah. No, no,
I was talking to my son.
Yeah. No, he just keeps
doing these things to help.
Oh, he must get it
from his father's side
of the family.
Uh, what is this?
I've opened a safe deposit box
in your name
at throckmorton trust
to keep the silver-dollar
collection
your aunt Matilda
left you in her will.
Well, I didn't know
aunt Matilda died.
I didn't even know
aunt Matilda.
Mm-hmm.
But, uh, how many
did she collect?
I don't know.
About 500 or so, I think.
This is for your own
protection, Morgan.
Your mother thought
it was a good idea.
Right here.
Ok.
Ah, thank you.
Nancy, I need you
to sign this, too,
to certify you
as legal guardian.
No, I know. We were going
to have the soybean tartare.
Uh-huh.
With a marsala sauce.
A Greek thing, maybe.
No, I think it's grace.
Well, whatever it was
really...
Uh, Jay.
Yes?
Uh, where's the key?
What key?
To the safety deposit box.
I mean, considering that it's
my silver-dollar collection,
don't you think
I should have the key?
Oh-ho-ho, please!
What's the matter,
you don't trust me?
Hey!
Hey! I'm your
uncle Jay, kid.
Here.
Wait a minute.
On second thought, maybe
I better hang onto this.
I'm not sure you can
handle the responsibility.
You want the key?
It's right here
in my vest pocket
anytime you need it.
Well, Jay...
What are you
wearing now?!
Oh, not you, Marjorie.
Sorry. Morgan.
Now I want you to go
into town with Ivan
and purchase some
suitable clothing.
And no more chores.
If I'd wanted a servant
for a son,
I'd have had sex
with the chauffeur.
Sorry, dear.
Where were we?
No, I did not invite her.
Oh, that's all I need-
some divorced actress in heat
prancing around in a sarong
made of saran wrap.
Ivan: You clean
the house good.
Madame pleased, yes?
No, madam not pleased.
One day soon,
I be building
and selling condos.
Big profits.
In Russia,
no real estate
opportunities.
Maybe you want to invest
a little something?
Oh, I don't know, Ivan.
I make you partner.
I'll think about it.
Christmas.
Great concept.
You got one hour.
Meet me at the car.
Ok.
Attention, shoppers,
get George romero's
autograph at waldenbooks.
Meet the creator
of the living dead,
film director
George romero
live, in person,
at waldenbooks
on the south concourse.
You been waiting
here long?
I can't believe
he's here.
Attention, shoppers,
get George romero's
autograph at waldenbooks.
Meet the creator
of the living dead,
film director
George romero
live, in person,
at waldenbooks
on the south concourse.
Hey! Sorry I'm late.
Man: Hey, come on.
The line starts back there.
Uh, sh-uh, she's with-
she's with me, mister.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, uh, no problem.
Uh, it happens to me
all the time.
I don't mean to pry, but,
uh, uh, do I know you?
Uh, I don't think so.
What's your name?
Uh, Morgan.
What's yours?
Uh, Emily.
You can call me m.
You know, like
dial m for murder.
You know, that's, uh,
that's one of my favorites.
Did you know it was
the only Hitchcock film
ever made in 3-d?
Yeah.
Yeah. I-i knew that.
Morgan:...Shopping mall,
so you'd have a hard time
knowing the difference
between the living dead
and your average
Christmas shopper.
Yeah! What
a comparison, though.
Oh, but you know what
my favorite was?
Which one? Night of the
living dead.
That's the best one.
That's definitely the best one.
Well, that was the original.
It was in black and white.
I love black and white.
I adore black and white!
Isn't it the best?!
It's the best.
Horror films are definitely
the purest form of cinema!
Horror films
are so pure.
I love horror films!
They are the best!
This is so funny. I was
exactly thinking that.
I cannot believe-
hey! Watch it, man!
Sorry. I, uh...
Oh, uh, where's his head?
I'm, uh...
That's just really
a demeaning question.
It's my turn,
it's my turn.
Take this.
Sir, here you go.
Uh, so, anyway,
i-i was just wondering
if there might be
some way
for US to maybe get
together sometime?
You-you mean
like a date?
Well, not necessarily
a date.
Just, well, a date.
Sure. You have a car?
Uh, yeah, sure.
Uh-huh.
Well, cool. Well, um,
I was planning on going
to a late show of attack of
the killer tomatoestonight.
You wanna go?
Sure.
Sure. What about
your folks?
Oh, well, they trust me.
It's cool.
But if it's not cool
with you, it's ok.
We can do it another night.
No, I'm real close to my
parents. We're like this.
So I guess, uh, I guess
I'll pick you up, right?
Yeah, you can pick me up
around 8:00 at my house.
You can have dinner with US.
I'll tell my mom. She'd
love to have you, really.
Oh, great, um...
Does-does your family
eat meat?
Yeah. Every night.
Oh, great. Great.
I'm in love,
I'm in love, I'm in-
he's in love, yes!
He's in love
and he's been in love
the last hour and a half
and he's in love,
love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love,
ahh!
Hi, mom.
I'm in love,
yes, love
love, love, love, love
love, love, love,
love, love, love
Oops. Aha, mistake.
Love, love, love, love
love, love, love
love, love, love, love,
love, love
i'm
in...
Love
catch, mom!
Dear god, he's on drugs.
Doc, I am not on drugs.
Then perhaps there's
another explanation
for your behavior?
Well, yeah,
my mother and father.
Well, then, how do your
mother and father behave?
Well...
Dad's joined the ranks
of the political undead,
and sometimes my mother
acts like I'm a sperm
who chewed through her
diaphragm like a piranha fish
just to destroy her life.
I see, then-then you're
trying to get back at them.
No, I just want to be close.
Look, I know that washing
the windows and doing the floors
isn't gonna make
any difference, i-
just maybe they'll
get the message.
In all honesty, Morgan,
I don't see how
you're going to get your
message across by...
Talking to yourself,
pretending
to be a servant,
collecting pornographic
film posters, and...
Giving spontaneous
dance recitals.
Oh, god.
Look, doc, ok. I'm...
I'm gonna level with you.
Ok, I have been doing drugs.
I understand. I'm glad
you told me, Morgan.
For your sake, I'm glad.
Now exactly what kind
of drugs?
I've been freebasing
clearasil.
To a large extent,
Morgan's violent
mood shifts,
his bouts of irrationality,
the paranoia,
his persecution complex,
can all be attributed
to adolescence.
Thank you, doctor.
Well, isn't there some
kind of hormone shot
you could give him?
I'm afraid not.
There's no known
cure for puberty.
Good-bye, senator.
Tom: It's good to
have Morgan home.
It's as if we really
were a family now.
Oh, I don't know, Tom.
He worries me.
He seems so eager
for affection.
Maybe I should've breast-fed
him when he was an infant.
What are you
talking about?
Breast-feeding.
Very chic nowadays.
They say it helps create
some sort of affectionate bond
between mother and child.
Maybe I didn't
cuddle Morgan enough.
Maybe that's why
he's so needy now.
Well, maybe we sent him off
to boarding school
too early.
Well, I went to boarding school
when I was 5.
I wasn't breast-fed.
I didn't see my parents
till I was 6 months old.
They took this
extended tour of Europe
to recover from my birth.
Mother felt she deserved it.
And I turned out just fine.
Oh, good lord.
Too much hugging and kissing
could cripple a child.
Look at the Italians.
They're all manic-depressives.
Rock this town, be the prince
of the city tonight
cruisin' such a hot car
everybody starin'
at the stoplight
let's roll and rock
shock the city tonight
I've got my baby
by my side
kissin' me and holdin' on
so tight
they had me locked up
for so long
it's time I finally sing
my freedom song
roll and rock
I'll shock the city
tonight
roll and rock
I'll be the prince
of the city
roll and rock
I'll shock the city
tonight
Volvo...
Eat my dust! Ah!
Prince of the city
the prince of the city
tonight
voices on the radio
riding through the city
with my heart light
Emily: Billy,
get away from that door.
Hi, you're Emily's
boyfriend, aren't you?
Billy!
Wow!
Billy, come here!
Boss set of wheels!
He's just...
Billy! Get here now!
You little doofus.
That's my brother.
Yeah. Ha.
I figured that out.
Cool car, though.
Thanks.
Emily's father:
The sauce is great, Mary.
Thank you, dear.
There we go.
Pass the meatballs if you
get a chance, Morgan.
Sure.
Hey, Morgan, that's
a neat car you got out there.
Thanks, Billy.
Grandma, you hogging
the peas again?
Not me.
It's-it's him.
What?
Basta, mama.
My mother's got a thing
about peas.
Oh. Oh, these meatballs
smell wonderful, Mrs. Kasela.
Thank you.
And so timely.
Oh, why is that?
Oh, Morgan has
this thing about meat.
Oh, it's my favorite
form of sustenance.
Yeah.
I think you stole the car.
You all right, Morgan?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Billy, why don't
you have some peas?
Your mom made some
wonderful, wonderful peas.
Mom, Morgan stole the car.
That's nice, dear,
now eat your dinner.
So, Emily,
what movie are you
dragging him to?
Attack...
Of the killer tomatoes!
Father: Oh, no!
That's-that's a lemon.
A lemon?!
Hey, dad...
Morgan stole a car.
Enough, Billy.
You said that 3 times.
You realize, of course,
that strait-jacket
is playing
at the inner circle.
Now, you talk about
a classic hatchet murder-
that's it.
Huh, don't listen
to him.
I didn't flinch once
that whole film.
You tell me another film
where you see a human head
bouncing down the stairs.
Fred!
Why won't anybody
listen to me?
He stole a car.
I'm not gonna let you
get away with this.
Father: Ok,
have a nice time.
Billy:Emily:
Mom, mom.Night, dad.
Nice meeting you,
Morgan.
Drive carefully now.
You hear me?
Billy: Mom, I'm gonna
call the cops.
Get back in here, Billy.
Get back in here.
Oh, you must've
overdosed on my family.
No, they're great,
especially Billy.
Where did they
capture him?
Actually, um,
marlin Perkins
brought him over
from wild kingdom
about 11 years ago.
Rock this town, be the prince
of the city tonight
cruisin' such a hot car
everybody starin'
at the stoplight
let's roll and rock
shock the city...
Attack of
the killer tomatoes
attack of the killer
tomatoes
they'll beat you,
bash you
squish you, mash you
chew you up for brunch
and finish you off
for dinner or lunch
attack of
the killer tomatoes
attack of the killer
tomatoes
they'll beat you,
bash you
squish you, mash you
chew you up for brunch
and finish you off
for dinner or lunch,
lunch, lunch
dinner or lunch
I'm afraid, gentlemen,
that what we have here
before US
isn't what we thought.
You don't mean...?
This...
Is a cherry tomato.
Aaaah!
Aaaaaaaah!
It's so asleep.
I can't-ohh.
It's totally-well, you've
gotta, like, shake it.
No. Don't shake it.
You've got to move it. I know,
but you've got to move it.
It'll stop really quick.
Ok, ok. Ahh. It's fine.
No problem. See?
Hey, no problem.
Let's go somewhere.
Aren't you tired?
I just had a nap.
I feel great. Come on.
Come on, this way.
Come on.
Both: attack of
the killer tomatoes
attack of
the killer tomatoes
It's beautiful.
I love it.
Pull up a step
and have a seat.
What are we
supposed to do here?
This is my room.
What?
Everything's always
so crazy at my house.
There's always
something going on,
so I come here 'cause
it's a real nice view,
and there's
peace and quiet.
I shoot the bull with
my pal Abe in there.
He doesn't talk much,
but he's a real good listener.
Yeah, I like
monuments.
I love 'em.
When I was in school,
I used to do my homework
in a cemetery.
Well, 'cause, you know,
I was really into
the hand-carved benches
and the 8-foot angels
and stuff.
Yeah, everybody thought
I was so weird.
They used to
call me morbid.
Morbid Morgan!
Yes, morbid Morgan.
I'm so embarrassed.
No.
Yes.
Blabbermouth. That's
what they call me.
I talk too much.
No, no, no.
I don't think so.
I like
talking to you.
Where would you go right now
if you could go anywhere?
Oh, boy.
Uh, I'd go skiing.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You like the snow?
Oh, I love it.
I used to go skiing
with my family
all the time
when I was a kid.
I'd stay out there till
my face turned blue.
But it was fun.
It was fun.
We haven't been on
a family vacation
in a long time,
but, uh...
We will...Someday.
I'm working on it.
So, uh, do you ski?
Um, no. Actually,
I don't know how.
Well, come on.
I'm gonna show ya.
You're gonna teach me?
Stand up. I'm gonna
teach you how to ski.
We got a whole mountain
down here.
All of Washington
laid out in front of US.
Ready to go?
Keep your skis parallel
and your feet together.
Ok, ok.
And use your hips
for balance.
Mobility.
And mobility.
And use the sticks
to push along.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I watch the Olympics.
Ok, ready? You don't
have to go down.
Just watch.
Shoo, shoo, shoo.
The sound effects
is it.
Shoo, shoo, shoo,
shoo, shoo, shoo.
Try it. Come on.
Ok, ok, ok.
Shoo. Right?
Yeah.
Shoo, shoo.
Oh, I'm getting it.
You've got
the hang of it.
You're better
than I am.
Downhill racer.
Shoo, shoo.
Shoo, shoo, shoo.
Ahem.
Good evening, officer.
Cross-country.
Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.
Shoo, shoo. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god. Ha ha.
Oh, my god.
Keys.
Do you wanna come in?
Oh, I'd love to,
but, uh...
I got to get home.
Well, um, I really
had a great time.
So did I. So did I.
I-i had a great time.
And I was wondering
if maybe
we could do it
another time.
If I'm going too fast
for you, forget it.
Tomorrow night?
Great.
Yeah?
Great.
Wait, um, pen.
Hand, please.
Ok, um...
Ok, that's my phone number.
You'll call me?
Ok.yeah.
Ok.
Um...
Good night.
Good evening,
senator Stewart.
Good evening, officer.
Come in.
Is there
something wrong?
Evening, ma'am.
Good evening.
Sorry to have to
wake you like this,
senator Stewart,
Mrs. Stewart,
but we got a report
earlier this evening
that your car
was stolen.
Probably just a prank.
Sounded like a young kid
on the phone.
Oh, shit.
You, turn around.
Put your hands on the car.
Gimme your left hand.
Morgan?!
Uh, hi, mom. Hi, dad.
Uh, you didn't have
to wait up for me.
Morgan, let me
give you the facts.
Sometimes children are
a liability in politics.
Look at all these
Washington brats.
Take your pick.
Nothing but drugs, sex,
automobile accidents,
Hollywood parties,
ad nauseum.
And I will not have
the son of my candidate
sniffing cocaine
or knocking up starlets
or being a guest host
on Saturday night live.
Ok, I know it was dumb.
I shouldn't have
taken the car,
and I'm sorry, ok?
Well, it's not
the end of the world.
Oh, sure, go ahead,
encourage him.
Maybe tomorrow night
he can steal the rolls.
You, young man,
are hereby grounded
until further notice.
You are not permitted
to leave this house,
even if it's on fire.
Understood?
Yes, mother.
Well, good. I'm finally
going to bed.
What?
Oh, sorry, champ.
Just trying to earn a living.
Could you
do me a favor, please?
Hand me those wire cutters
right down there.
Gimme a hand.
What are you
putting up in there?
This sucker here.
State of the art.
Saticon tube.
6 to 1 zoom.
Just about
see in the dark.
You better watch
your pud polishing,
if you catch my drift.
"Pud polishing."
Now, that speech-
Nancy, that is gonna
make or break
the entire campaign.
I'm gonna have live television,
live radio coverage.
Everybody in this state
is either gonna
be watching or listening
as the senator talks
to a small, intimate group
of friends and supporters
and family.
What would you say,
about 200 people or so?
That's terrific, Jay.
Thank you. They'll all
come to the home,
have a little
Christmas cheer.
Put everybody in the spirit
of giving, you mean.
Mom, I have
to talk to you.
That's a great
inspiration
right there.
The spirit
of giving.
Mom, it's real important.
You gotta let me off
restriction tonight.
Oh, no.
Mom, I promised somebody
very important
that I'd see them.
I'm sorry about
the car, ok,
but I'll pay for
the damages myself.
How do you propose
to do that,
hold up a 7-Eleven?
Well, I'll go to my
safety deposit box
and take out aunt Matilda's
coin collection.
Absolutely not.
I don't think that's
a very good idea.
Why not?
I know that your aunt
would have wanted you to
save that for college,
something
more substantial.
Then I'll get a job.
I'll work at a McDonald's
or a gas station
or something.
McDonald's? Over my dead,
withered, decomposed body.
Fantastic job, Jay.
Mom...
No. You will stay on
restriction tonight,
tomorrow night, and for
the rest of your young life.
Elephants and mothers,
Morgan, never forget.
Now bear down,
will ya, kid?
No, it's ok, Ivan.
It's just me.
Hi. How you doin'?
I say that right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Perfect.
Thank you.
How I'm doin'? For starters,
I've been grounded for life.
There are TV cameras
all over the house
watching my every move.
And I can't even
make a phone call
without the whole world
knowing about it.
Huh. It sounds like Russia.
Huh.
Hello.
It's me Morgan.
Perfect timing. I was
just on my way to work.
What's up?
Emily, I, uh,
I don't think
I'm gonna be able
to see you tonight.
Actually, I don't think
I'm gonna be able to see
you for a long time.
Why? What's going on?
My mother.
I'm gr-
my mother's father.
Uh, my grandfather.
It's his heart,
you know, it's, uh...
It's broken.
Anyway, I think i'm
gonna have to go away
for a long time.
Well, um, when
are you leaving?
Can I see you
before you go?
Uh, uh, no, I don't-
I don't think so.
I'm gonna be...
I'm gonna be
real busy.
Are you ok? I mean,
you sound a little bit
weirded out or something.
Oh, no, no,
everything's great.
I'm just a little
worried, that's all.
So, uh, watch out
for those
killer tomatoes,
will you?
Mind if I join you?
Don't worry. I wont tell
if you won't.
It's a deal.
So, uh, when did mom
get on this
vegetarian kick, anyway?
About 6 months ago.
She went to see this
holistic manicurist
who told her that eating
meat had given her
the fingernails of
a 90-year-old woman.
That was it.
No more meat in
the house period.
God, when mom gets her
mind set on something...
Mother's not
the easiest person
in the world to live with.
But...
We wouldn't be where
we are without her.
Where exactly are we?
Son, we're in the senate.
The United States senate.
Dad, you know...
This is the first
sandwich we've shared
since before
I went to school.
I mean, before you
even ran for office.
Don't you remember
the football games
we used to go to?
The cabin in the country
where you taught me
how to ski.
I mean, we used to go
up there every weekend.
Just you, me and mom.
I mean, I thought we
were pretty happy then.
I don't know, morg.
I think we're
pretty happy now.
Yeah. That's just
what I thought.
Hey.
Aren't you supposed
to be grounded?
Yeah.
Better get back
to my cell.
Dad...
I'm really glad
things worked out
so well for you.
Thank you, son.
Oh, come in, Morgan.
Hi, mom.
Uh, I was, uh-
don't tell me, darling.
I know what happened.
There was a spaceship
that landed
with little
green men in it,
and they attacked you
with hatchets,
and then they sucked
you out of the house
through the mail slot,
and then they beamed
you back again.
It's a good try.
It's a good try.
They actually sucked me out
through the doggy door,
but you were very close.
Very close.
This is not funny,
Morgan.
Ivan, where'd
you put my-
hey, dude.
What's going on?
Uh, nothing.
How did you get in?
I rang the doorbell
and some guy answered it.
Happens all the time.
I didn't really
understand him,
but on the way up, I think
he tried to sell me a condo.
That's Ivan.
You want to know
how I found you?
Washington's a small town.
This is a really,
really great house.
How's your grandfather?
Your grandfather?
Oh. I'm sorry, uh,
he's a little better.
That's good.
Um, well I really just
came by to say, you know,
hi and good-bye.
I thought we were gonna
go skiing sometime,
but when you called me
yesterday, I just-
it just didn't look like it
was ever going to happen.
So...
Good-bye, Morgan.
Emily.
Are your folks home?
Uh, no.
Actually, they're out.
Do you have any food?
Yeah.
Uh, sorry, this is
all I could find.
Anything. It's food.
I'm starving.
So you're pretty rich,
huh?
They are. I'm not.
All I have is
500 silver dollars
in a coin collection
that my aunt left me.
You see, my mom's dad
was a big, uh...
I mean, is, a big
robber-baron type.
What's he into?
Oh, all sorts of things.
This is really good.
What is it?
Dog food, mainly.
Oh, oh, no, no.
That's my-that's
my mom's eggplant.
Uh, dog food is, uh,
how my mom's dad
made all his money.
You see,
I'm supposed to say
that the family fortune
came from horses.
You know, like tallyho
and off to the races
and all that crap.
Well, the only horses
my family ever owned
were the ones that
they chopped up
and put in little cans.
Ew.
See, my mom's real into
making the right impression,
and she's real hard
to understand sometimes.
Oh, anyway you
look at it, I mean,
raising parents is a drag.
Especially mothers.
I mean, it's taken me
16 years
of Patience, understanding,
a whole lot of screaming
and yelling,
I mean, just to get her
where she is now.
Probably take me a whole
'nother 16 years
just to get it right.
But it's worth it.
Whoa.
Oh! Whoa!
Smooth move!
Oh, my god.
Whoo!
You look good
in water.
Oh, my god. I don't
believe this.
Hey, takes a licking,
keeps on ticking.
I'm so wet.
Oh, it's cold out here.
Come on. Come on.
Ok, I'm coming.
I'm freezing.
I'm freezing.
Oh, that's
the stupidest thing
that's ever happened to me
in my entire life.
Ooh, I'm freezing.
Jesus Christ, my toes
are the same color
as your uniform.
Oh, I can't even
feel my toes.
Good thing we went
to the great expense
of having the pool
heated.
You could have told me that.
You didn't have to push me in.
I'm gonna take a shower.
What are you gonna do,
just stand there
and catch pneumonia?
Thank you, god.
Thank you, god.
Aah!
Out of my way.
I need a shampoo.
Need a shampoo?
Well, here comes Jorge
your transylvanian
hairdresser.
This is terrific.
Oh, I gotta-
And you never actually
see the knife
touch Janet Leigh's
body.
You know what? It took
Hitchcock 7 days
to shoot that
shower scene.
And it's only on film
for, like, 3 seconds.
You like that part
where she screamed
and the violins came in?
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Mom-mom,
close the curtains.
Introduce me please,
Morgan.
Mom.
Allow me to introduce
myself.
I am Nancy Stewart.
And whoever you are,
you have precisely
60 seconds
to get out of this house
before I call
the vice squad.
Em-Emily, I'm sorry.
Morgan!
Emily!
Morgan!
Emily!
Morgan!
Emily!
Morgan!
Emily!
Emily, come back.
Emily!
Morgan!
Morgan, come back here
right now!
Morgan!
Morgan! Don't you dare.
Emily!
Emily, wait!
Damn.
Hi, mom.
Mrs. Whitewood,
how are you?
Mr. Whitewood,
looking good.
Oh, uh, how's Heather?
Yeah. Ok.
Oh, tilly, I tell you,
these progressive schools.
Who says Republicans
don't know
how to have fun,
huh?
Ha ha.
Morgan!
Morgan, I simply do not
understand this behavior.
Tonight I have suffered
the worst humiliation
of my entire life.
You leave me with only
2 words to say...
Military school.
Well, I'm not going!
Oh, yes, you are.
And I know just the place.
My old Alma mater,
milhouse military academy.
You're the only mistake I made
in this campaign, Morgan.
Maybe milhouse can
make a man out of you.
Please, Jay,
don't make me go.
Talk to mom.
You're the only one
who can convince her
to let me stay.
I'll change. I know
you don't like me,
but I'll change, ok?
I'll do anything.
Anything you want.
You want me
to take out Heather?
I'll even
take out Heather.
Oh, you're gonna like
general fenton.
He knows how to deal
with brats like you.
Jay, please.
Thanks, Jay.
General fenton.
Oh, it's been so long.
Jay, it's good
to see you, my boy.
I'm glad you're here.
Come right in,
please, sir.Thank you.
Come right in, gentlemen,
cadets, soldiers.
Yes, sir. Whoo.
As my boy Jay knows from
firsthand experience-
oh, by the way, Jay,
how long has it been?
Oh, that was the, uh...
That was the class
of '64, sir.
The class of '64.
Oh, that was a class.
Yes, sir.
But, you see, at milhouse
we hate failure.
We eradicate failure.
We rip it out by the roots.
When I get through
with your son,
he'll be capable of
defeating any enemy,
any time, any place,
be it foreign or domestic.
Nancy: Morgan is on a
strict vegetarian diet.
He's not to eat meat
under any circumstances.
The problems you're
facing with your son
are problems we face
every day at milhouse.
Let me assure you,
I mean...
We have
a trained staff
of professionally
trained people
who handle this
all the time.
So I can assure you
there's nothing
out of the ordinary...
We apply the right
approach.
You may feel that it's
old-fashioned, but it works.
I would say that
this is not a problem.
Let's go, men.
Oh, good. Glad to see
you're packed.
General fenton is here.
Wrong way.
Morgan!
Oh, god!
Oh, my god! Morgan!
Morgan!
Tom: Morgan!
Morgan, don't you
dare go down there!
Morgan, you'll
hurt yourself!
Oh, my god, Tom,
look what he's doing!
Damn it!
Morgan!He's getting away!
God damn it, do
something, general!
Get him!
Lord if I won't die
dead and gone
gone
keep on riding
keep on riding
Emily, it's me Morgan.
There's nobody home.
Oh, come on, Emily.
I-I'm sorry.
You lied to me.
All that stuff about
your parents being
so cool.
You probably don't even
have a grandfather.
Ok, I shouldn't
have lied.
Then why did you?
'Cause the truth sucks.
'Cause my parents
and I are strangers.
We just have
the same last name.
I was shipped off
to boarding school
when I was 10.
And I was dumb enough
to think
if I could get myself
kicked out enough times
that eventually they'd
run out of schools
and have to
take me home.
You know what
really sucks is...
They never did.
I went through
8 schools in 6 years.
Then all of a sudden,
they call me up.
They said they wanted
me to come home.
It was a joke.
They didn't want me.
They wanted a cardboard
cutout labeled "kid"
for their campaign
poster.
I used to pray that
my dad would resign
or lose the election.
Now I don't even care.
So, uh...
So what I came for
was to...
To say good-bye,
'cause I'm leaving.
I'm running away.
Can I drive you somewhere?
Senator, I need
to speak to you.
Not now, Jay.
They're checking
all the hospitals,
halfway houses,
the morgues.
I'm expecting 200 guests
for a festive
press conference.
I'm getting a migraine.
He's probably just
gone off somewhere
to work out his problems.
This whole idea about
military school
is a terrible mistake.
Uh, senator...
Jay, can't it wait?
No, I'm afraid
it can't, sir.
Oh, Jay, really,
you should know better.
Oh, that's right,
that's right.
You don't like
smoking in the house.
I'm awfully sorry.
But, uh, under
the circumstances...
Under what
circumstances?
Emily: What are we
doing here anyway?
What do you usually
do at banks?
You get dollars.
Well, can't you write
a check or something?
No, because our old
pal Jay decided
that aunt mathilda's
coin collection
would be better off
in a safe deposit box.
Look, instead of
running away,
you can just come
stay at our house.
I mean, my parents
loved you.
Oh, great, I can
bunk with Billy.
Ok, scratch that idea.
I guess it's your life
and you know what
you're doing with it.
I can show you to the
vault now, Mr. Stewart.
Please sign here.
Thank you.
Holy shit.
Maybe they compounded
the interest.
In my pocket,
I have the key
to Morgan's
safe deposit box
in which I have
placed $500,000
in marked $100 bills...
From your campaign fund.
The box also contains
the records
of how the contributions
were laundered.
All of which were co-signed
and authorized
by Nancy
and Morgan Stewart.
I must say, senator,
you have some family.
I mean, they
couldn't have been
more help to me
if they'd been part
of the scam themselves.
Did you sign
something for Jay?
God, Tom, you know, I sign
things all the time-
did youjay has been
sign this?Running
this campaign
for US. I'm given...
I can't begin to read
each and every word.
This is senator
Stewart's office.
Man on telephone:
It's ernemann.
Ah, yes, yes. I'll
take care of that.
One second, please.
Excuse me, folks.
Minor detail.
I'm sorry.
We have to find out
what happened.
Yeah. Now listen,
first of all-
we got big trouble.
It's an emergency.
The Stewart boy came
in here and cleared out
the safe deposit box.
Jay, he had the key.
What-what do you mean
had the key?
That's impossible. I got
the key right here.
Why didn't you
stop him, you idiot?
I had my own
receipt book in there
along with the money.
I just got back
from my lunch hour.
Jay, you know
I'm hypoglycemic
and have to eat
precisely at noon.
I don't think
they care very much
about that in prison,
ernemann.
And that's exactly
where we're gonna be
if you don't get
that money
and those files back!
Well, you don't
have to shout.
You fruitcake.
The same to you
and your mother.
What?
Here are the whitewoods.
They're all here.
All the names of
the contributors
and receipts for all
the contributions
to my father's campaign.
I hate to say this,
but it looks like
your parents are
pulling a scam.
Well, my family
has plenty of money.
And besides, it's too
late in the campaign
to use any
of this stuff.
My family may be
a lot of things.
They are not crooks.
No, this has to be Jay.
He had the key to
the safe deposit box,
and these receipts are not
in my dad's handwriting.
But why? I cannot
figure that out.
I mean, if this got out,
it could ruin my dad,
especially right now.
Well, I don't see why you're
getting so bummed out.
I mean, if you
look at it,
it's kind of what
you wanted, right?
I mean, your dad getting
out of politics.
No, not this way.
Listen, I gotta make
a stop, but come on.
Where are we going?
I'm going home.
I'll make it very simple
for you, senator.
Tonight, while the entire
state of Virginia
watches and listens,
you're going to very quietly
and with great dignity
withdraw from the race.
Is this some
kind of joke?
Wishful thinking, senator.
First, we leak news of
the missing money to the press.
Then a photostatted copy
of the bank document
opening the account
will be mailed anonymously.
Do you want me to go on?
Why are you
doing this?
Well, it all comes down
to money, senator.
And I'm afraid
the other side pays more.
Now, I think you both should
get dressed for the party.
All your lovely guests
will be arriving soon.
Morgan: Roadblock.
Pull over, pull over.
Go ahead, sir.
Maybe we should
come back another time.
Your mother can't
really handle surprises.
No shit.
Ok, give me your jacket
and your glasses.
And all I got to do
is get to my dad
before the press conference.
I can't believe
you're doing this.
I know it's feeble,
but it's all they had.
And all it's got to do
is get me past the cadets.
General, he is
a dangerous psychopath.
Now, we're talking
about a sick thief.
He's a threat to his
own father's life.
Now, he has to be
kept away from here,
has to be kept away
from the senator
at all costs.
You hear that?
I'll take care of him.
Believe me.
That boy
humiliated me, Jay.
I can't stomach that.
I hate punks.
I'd like to grab 'em
by the ears
and puke in their faces.
That's why
I knew you were
the right man
for this job, sir.
Damn right, Jay.
Cadets, 10-hut.
Detail ready
for inspection, sir.
Thank you, captain.
We're up against
a slimy little turd.
And we're gonna get him,
aren't we, boys?
Cadets: Yes, sir!
Now, what were you before
you came to milhouse
military academy?
Cadets: Scum, sir!
What kind of scum?
Dope-smoking,
foul-talking,
rock 'n' roll
pervert scum, sir!
And what are you now?
Good little boys, sir!
You haven't lost
your touch, general.
Thank you, Jay.
Captain, you can
deploy the men.
Captain: To your posts,
gentlemen.
Uh, mister, excuse me.
Sure.
I am buying some
land in Florida.
The everglades.
You know it maybe?
Oh, it lookslook up
lovely.There.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
Believe me, Steve,
the senator is very aware
of your generosity.
And, uh, he just has
to play it a little cool
at the moment,
you understand?
Loose lips sink ships.
But when the time
is right,
you can be sure he'll be
showing his gratitude.
To hell with
gratitude, Jay.
You just make sure
that highway bill
gets out of committee
in one piece.
Hey, Steve, don't sweat it,
my friend. No problem.
That's good little boys.
Now remember. Keep
a sharp eye out for him.
Ok, let's move out.
Cadets: Yes, sir!
All posts on full alert.
All posts on full alert.
Oh, Tom.
How could I have
been so stupid?
Tom, for god's sake.
You are a United States
senator.
We'll fight this with
everything we've got.
Now, Jay can't possibly
get away with this.
He may not need to.
Well, what do you mean?
If we fight back,
Jay will just stoop
even lower than
he already has.
We've allowed him
to get close
to so many people
in our lives,
the fallout's gonna
be devastating.
Well, there goes
the cover of people.
Who cares?
We'll fight him, Tom.
On the beaches,
in the air,
on the land,
on the sea.
Together
we can beat him.
Together we hired
a sleazy, cheap con man
because we thought
he had street smarts, huh?
Some street smarts.
We've been so desperately
afraid of losing,
we've already lost.
We've lost our dignity,
we've lost
our self-respect.
We've lost our son.
Let's go downstairs.
Well, whatever you decide,
senator Stewart,
just look to your right
because I'll be
standing there.
Morgan, there you are.
I'm so glad
you could make it.
Oh, a present for me?
You really shouldn't have.
Now, I'm awfully sorry that
you're gonna have to miss
seeing your father
withdraw from the race.
Actually,
I wrote the speech.
It's really quite touching.
Take him away, boys.
Hey, Morgan,
want a ride?
Come on. Get on!
What great timing.
Ow! Hey!
A fox is in
the chicken Coop.
Alpha-Charlie to base.
Alpha-Charlie to base.
Come in.
Yes, sir. He won't
get by me, sir.
All right, let's go.
Head him off
at the back!
Let's go.
Geronimo!
My fellow virginians,
it is with a heavy heart
and a great deal
of regret
that I stand before you
this afternoon.
Oh, no.
Oh, shit.
Hold on.
Move it. Come on!
Halt!
Oh, my god.
We've got 'em now.
Wait a minute. Wait.
Stop the Jeep!
Stop the Jeep!
Aah!
Oh, they think they're
getting away, huh?
Let me out of this.
They tried this
in Berlin in '45.
Oh, oh.
Morgan: Oh, my god.
Jay: This damn thing
doesn't have seat belts.
Seat belts?
Jay:Emily:
Watch it!Look out!
Watch it,
you goddamned idiot!
You're speaking to
a superior officer.
All right,
you're an idiot, sir.
Now that's better.
Jay: Where in the hell
are they going?!
Coming through.
My god,
it's Morgan.
Dad, catch!
Read the receipt book.
We got Jay by
the short hairs.
Morgan, hold on.
Excuse me.
Oh...
Shit!
Get out of the way!
Out of the way!
Come on, general!
After him!
Oh, shit!
Go! Go!
Emily: We're cut off.
Left turn.
Jay: Wait, wait!
What are you doing?
Wait, you crazy bastard!
General: Ha ha ha.
This is living.
Jesus Christ, fenton!
General,
you're an asshole!
Now what the hell
is go-
put the brakes on!
Aah!
Aah!
Oh, my god, Tom.
Oh, god.
General, you're a-
you're a complete idiot!
You're a goddamn asshole!
Jay: I hate you.
Jay, Jay, you don't
mean that.
No, you can't mean that
after all we've been through.
Oh, thank god.
You got it.
Have you got
everything?
Jay: Die, you
son of a bitch, die.
Morgan voice-over:
With my new hero status,
I was able to really
crack the whip,
and we finally took
a family vacation.
Dad will always
be in outer space,
but at least I've got him
in an earth orbit,
and we're getting
to be pals.
Mom's a tough one.
She's getting
a little better
with the hugging
and kissing.
Oh, I did get her
to eat a hamburger.
That was a real
breakthrough.
Oh, and Jay took
a nice long vacation
at a very exclusive resort.
He deserved it.
Ivan's in
the real estate business
and he's doing swell.
That's his new wife Monica.
They're enjoying
the American dream
in their new home.
I got a postcard
from Anna.
She's happy back in Russia
and making new friends.
Oh, Emily and I
are super tight.
I took her
to the junior prom.
We were the best looking
couple there.
Like em said,
raising parents
does take a lot of work,
but it can be done.
Having a real family
is one of the big thrills
on this planet.
Oh, by the way,
dad won the election.
Mom got the cover
of people,
and I got a family.
trimark home video
captioning performed by the
Whoo-hoo
walking home
in the rain
blood runs cold
in my veins
news from
a distant shore
blues like never before
the moon is new
the moon is full
the moon is blue
the moon is full
painted moon
coming to the rescue
angels from another world
love is here to stay
so the angels say
running to the rescue
angels flying up above
phantoms in the bay
while the natives pray
to the painted moon
I wash my face
and get dressed
the time
cuts into my rest
so who invents
our dreams?
The hands
that hold the machine
the moon is blue
the moon is cool
painted moon
coming to the rescue
angels from another world
love is here to stay
so the angels say
running to the rescue
angels flying up above
phantoms in the bay
while the natives pray
to the painted moon
painted moon