Most Likely to Murder (2018) Movie Script
[phone dialing]
[line rings]
Hey, this is Kara Doblowski.
I don't know why
I just told you my last name.
You already have my number.
Anyway, just leave a message.
-[beep]
-[Billy] What up, bitch?
It's Billy.
Long time, no speak.
I'm still out here in Vegas,
Sin City.
You know, for work.
Club shit.
Seems like every night
I'm at some new lounge
or restaurant
hanging out with the VIPs.
You know, DJs, models,
shots and bottles.
My middle name should be Wagyu,
'cause I eat so much of it.
-Billy Wagyu Green.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Um, Steve Aoki called.
He thinks
he accidentally threw out
his scrunchie in the bathroom.
I'm gonna need you
to dig around and find it.
You want me to dig around
in these bags?
Yeah.
-For Steve Aoki's scrunchie?
-Yeah.
-If I find it,
can I return it to him--
-No.
I get to give it to Steve Aoki.
Hey, I-I would love to really
talk to you for a second
-about getting moved
up to the door--
-Totally.
Um, maybe next week?
Anyway, I'm actually working
on some really exciting stuff
with Steve Aoki so,
I gotta run in a sec,
but I'm gonna be headed back to
Valley Stream for Thanksgiving.
My parents are retiring
and selling the house
and moving to Santa Fe,
so I gotta pack up my shit.
And, uh...
well, I know we really
haven't seen each other
in a while,
but I would love to,
I don't know,
hang out if you're around.
I don't know.
Anyway, I gotta run.
Man, I wish you could see
this sick-ass view
I have from my penthouse
right now.
I'm looking at
the Bellagio fountains.
-Beautiful.
-[woman groans]
Anyway, you know, call me back.
I would really love to see you.
[Billy] Mom? Dad?
[Dad] Oh,
it's good to see you, son!
Oh...
Oh, it's been so long
since you've been home.
-I know.
-Let me look at you.
Oh, you got a little bigger.
Nah.
You smell like cigarettes.
Oh, no, you know, um,
the cab driver was smoking.
Ugh,
those cab drivers.
You guys look amazing.
Oh, well we feel great.
We're excited about Santa Fe.
Daddy found the sweetest
little place on Zillow.
The Hopi Indians
that live there
described the landscape
as "stones that which laugh."
-Metaphor, but gosh. Wow.
-Wow, that sounds beautiful.
Are you hungry,
sweetheart?
Can I make you
some ants on a log?
Do you need me
to do your laundry, huh?
Oh, any tax forms
to fill out?
No. No. You know what,
I'm good, thank you.
Boy, your friends are gonna be
so excited to see you.
The King of Valley Stream
has returned!
[Dad]
The King of Valley Stream.
Hey, uh,
where are my Isuzu keys?
-Oh, the Trooper? We sold it.
-Oh, yeah.
You sold my baby?
You sold my sweet Isuzie?
You remember that Peter Roman.
Peter Roman?!
You sold the Isuzu
to Peter Roman?
Oh, fuck,Mom.
He's such a poser!
He was always copying me
in high school.
'Member?
He stole my signature scent.
You think he would've thought
of mixing Cool Water
with a dash of CK-One?
I don't think there was
an emotional agenda.
I think he just wanted a car.
What am I supposed
to drive around town in?
Well, the electric scooter.
The electric scooter?
I'm gonna look like
I'm in Garden State.
Someone hasn't changed
a fuckin' bit.
Dork.
Oh. Billy.
Hi.
Tami.
Wow.
You got your braces off, huh?
Oh, my God,
you already knew that
'cause you follow me
on Instagram.
Do I?
Yeah. I mean,
I think the other day,
you actually liked a picture
of me and then unliked it
-a second later.
-What? I don't think so.
Hey, quit talkin'
to my friends.
-Fuck you! Shut up!
-Fuck you, loser!
-Take the merkin off your chin.
-[mocking] Take the merkin--
Get the fuck outta my face!
Get outta here!
Douscher!
There he is.
The king is back
Still rockin'
that chin beard, huh?
-You know it, man.
-Rockin' it hard.
Yeah. It's the only way
I know how to rock.
That's why you're
still a virgin.
-I'm not a virgin. I've had sex.
-With yourself.
All right. Whatever.
Fuck off.
-What's all this stuff?
-Oh, this? Yeah.
Really fuckin' lame, I know.
I'm a realtor now.
Market is booming.
I haven't sold anything yet.
But I think I'm getting close.
Bye, Billy.
It's really good to see you.
Stop flirting
with my sister, man.
I'm not flirting
with your sister.
All right, let's get outta here.
You got the Isuzu?
No. My parents sold it
to fuckin' Roman.
The fuck,
they sold it to Roman?
Oh, fuckin'--
that guy was such a poser, man.
First he steals your
signature scent and now this?
Well,
I still got the Windstar.
Brakes are a little squeaky,
but we can ride together!
Yes!
People are gonna fuckin' freak
when they see you, man.
-Yep, definitely gonna
blow some minds.
-Do it.
Make way.
Make way for the king.
The king is back!
Hey, Big Barbie Bonner.
Is that Laura Ginsburg?
I like your new nose.
-Understated.
-Hey, wanna get a drink?
-Love to.
-All right.
Excuse me, barkeep.
Jack on the rocks,
light on the rocks,
right here,
and a Coors Light.
You seen Kara anywhere?
Holy shit, it's Billy Green.
-Guilty as charged.
-And the Douche-er.
Actually, it's pronounced
"Dough-sure."
as in "I'll make you dough
for sure."
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-You look, uh...
-How's work?
-Work is dope.
Work is on fire.
Work is lit.
I'm like a concierge to VIPs.
-Very important pussy.
-[laughs]
Amazing.
Do you have daughters?
I'm sorry, we actually have
to go say hey to somebody.
-Right over there, yeah, yeah.
-Over there by the door.
Yeah, okay. Bye, man.
I'll see ya at football.
-See ya, man.
-You still do that?
-Yeah, I'll be there.
-Yeah, see ya, bro.
Is that Elana Drucker?
Is she pregnant?
It's actually Elana Perkins now,
and that's her second.
I came across that tape
I made with her in high school.
You still have the tape?
You have the tape?
I thought that shit was gone.
You have it?
I never got to see it.
You know that?
You never showed it to me.
You showed it to Teddy Lacourte.
You showed it to Alex Chang.
You showed it to a bunch
of people.
You showed it to that Ecuadoran
exchange student,
-but you never showed it to me.
-Okay, well, if you find a VCR,
I will show you the tape.
But I will tell you right now--
-Yeah?
-It's just me and Elana
experimenting
-with breakfast condiments.
-No, no! Do not spoil it.
I've been waiting
a fuckin' decade.
Oh, my God.
I got a fuckin' boner right now.
-I'm so excited.
-There he is. Hey!
-Oh, you got it?
-It's so good to see you.
It's so good to see you, too.
You have just, a glow.
Oh, shut up, Billy.
You're lying. I'm a cow.
You're one of those
sexy cows on the boxes
of those Skinny Cow desserts
I can't stop eating.
Or masturbating to.
[laughs]
Yeah.
Awesome, yeah.
So, good to see you, Billy.
Welcome back.
When's the last time
you were home, Billy?
Was that in 2012,
five days after
Hurricane Sandy, right?
That's incredibly accurate,
Perkins.
You still a cop?
Actually,
I'm a lieutenant, now.
Are you still a repository
for illegal party drugs?
If I told you that,
I'd make your job
a lot easier for you,
wouldn't I?
[laughs]
She liked it.
[chuckles]
Um, I'm s--I'm sorry.
Did you eat a pear today?
I might've had one
at breakfast.
-Oh, my God.
-Well, I didn't mean to.
Well, but you did.
Okay.
I should probably actually get
in there, hold her hair back.
Because if she vomits,
gets vomit in her hair,
and then smells the vomit
in her hair,
she's gonna puke more, so,
happy Thanksgiving.
Glad to see you back here,
Billy.
-Good to see you, too, Officer.
-Have a good time.
-See ya, Perkins.
-Yeah.
[Billy] Kara.
-I don't know
if she's seeing us.
-I don't know if she sees you.
Maybe she can't hear me.
Kara!!
I'm just gonna go over.
You want me to come with you?
-No! You stay where you are.
-I'm gonna stay
right where I am.
Hi.
She'll have a Jack on the rocks,
easy on the rocks.
Yeah, I'll have a club soda,
please?
Club soda?
What, are you on Ecstasy?
Hi, Billy.
No, I'm not on Ecstasy.
I just really
don't drink anymore.
Okay. That's fine.
Your breath won't smell
as bad in the morning.
Don't. This isn't high school
or college or that one time
after Hurricane Sandy
when I was really emotional
about my childhood pictures
being destroyed.
Oh, come on.
Christie had just hugged Obama.
Everyone was fucking.
What's going on with you?
Nothing's going on with me.
I've just-- I'm different, okay?
You don't really know me
anymore, Billy.
It's been five years.
Let's see, I don't
skip calc to get high.
I don't shoplift
Hard Candy nail polish.
I don't sneak Captain Morgan's
into Six Flags.
If you want that, maybe you
should date a 16-year-old girl.
I can't. Like, legally.
So jokes like that?
They don't do it
for me anymore.
Oh, my God.
You'll never guess
who's here.
Do you remember that weirdo,
Lowell Shapiro?
He lived across the street
from me in high school?
You know, he used to bring
the tuna cans for lunch
and just like,
drink the tuna water--
-and then eat the actual--
-Hi. There you are.
Hey, how ya doin'?
Billy?
You remember Lowell.
I don't-- it's not ringing
a bell, right now.
Really? Billy, you grew up
across the street from me
our entire childhoods,
and I think I saw you,
like, two hours ago
in front of your house?
No offense, pal, but I--
I meet a lot of people.
Anyway, Lowell and I work
together at Shanser's Pharmacy.
What, you don't work
at Hooters anymore?
No, I don't work
at Hooters anymore.
-Do you still have the outfit?
-I'm not gonna tell you that.
So Lowell has been a godsend.
He helps me keep track
of all the medications
that come in and out
of the pharmacy,
-and I make a lot of mistakes.
-She's lying to you.
She's amazing.
I would be lost without her.
No, stop it.
No you wouldn't be. Stop it.
-It's the truth. I would be.
-Okay.
Like a chicken
with his head cut off.
[laughs]
Do you really not remember me?
Billy, you-- you told
everybody in school
that I had a...
inverted penis.
Remember,
"Lowell has no pole"?
Let's go have a cigarette.
Ew, no.
And you still smoke?
Yeah.
You don't smoke anymore?
Billy, you should really
think about quitting.
You know, our customers
have had a lot of luck
quitting with the
Habitrol patch.
[crossly]
Thank you, Lowell.
Okay. Lowell,
let's get outta here.
Billy, one more thing,
please stop leaving
five-minute breathy messages
on my voicemail, because--
-They're not breathy.
-Yeah, they are!
They sound like you're prepping
to jerk off!
I wasabout to jerk off.
Is-- is Kara dating Lowell?
I'm gonna need
a lot of drinks.
The king is back!
Come here, weed puppy.
Oh, you're a good dog.
[coughing]
Oh! That is old!
[belches]
Whoo!
[slurring] David Spiegel's
bar mitzvah clock.
You still work.
[sighs deeply]
What the hell
is going on over there?
Jesus,
that's a lot of tattoos.
Are Lowell and Kara
about to have sex?
Am I about to watch Lowell
and Kara have sex?
What the hell
is this creep show doing now?
-[faint screaming]
-Whoa.
Screamin'
like a fuckin' maniac.
Where are ya?
Where are ya, ya little bitch?
Where are ya?
[inhales deeply]
Where could you go?
How far could you run,
ya little fuckin' bitch?
I got him. I got him.
Holy shit.
Is that a big yellow condom?
Does Lowell have a huge penis?
[clock drops]
Oh...
David Spiegel's bar mitzvah
clock, I'm sorry.
Gotcha.
Oh! Oh!!
[groans] Spiegel.
[police siren blaring]
[groans]
Noise, why?
[siren continues]
Why noise? Why noisy?!
[siren stops,
police radio chatter]
[man] Did you speak
to any of the neighbors?
Hey, Perkins.
Excuse me, sir,
I need you to back up.
This is official
police business.
If you don't mind backing up,
getting into your mom's house.
Shut up, Perkins, you showed me
when your first pube came in.
Okay.
Grow up, all right?
What's going on?
Look, Lowell Shapiro's mom
died last night in her sleep.
It looks like heart failure.
And Lowell found her?
Yes, Lowell found her.
Said she was fine
when he went to bed
last night around midnight,
and then in the morning,
he found her...
well he found her dead.
Was Kara here the whole time?
Okay. You know what?
I'm not gonna tell ya.
'Cause if I told ya, it would
just make your job
a little bit easier,
now wouldn't it?
That's what I said
to you yesterday.
That's what you said to me.
I'm using your words
against you.
And [grunts]
that probably sucks.
[faint scream]
Go in your hou--
what're you doing?
You don't think something...
strange is going on here?
Look, Billy, please
don't be a dick about this.
You're not
a fuckin' detective.
-Hey, hey. Hey.
-Oh, man.
Do you know
Lowell Shapiro at all?
-Yeah, he's my pharmacist.
-Isn't he kind of creepy?
Creepy? What is this,
Scooby Do? Creepy?
No, he got me through a really
difficult heartburn situation.
-I love that guy.
-You know Lowell Shapiro at all?
Yeah, he's cool, I mean,
I once sneezed
in a post office,
and he said "gesundheit."
German. Maniac.
Hike!
He was off-sides!
I'm pretty sure Lowell's mom's
a fuckin' psychopath.
I'd hear her screami''
bloody murder at him
all the time
on my mail route.
-And--
-Wait, hold on. Don't hike yet--
-Hike!
-Oh, God.
How do you know Lowell again?
Oh, I'm his rabbi.
Boy, what a davening voice
on him.
Do you know he got into
Stanford, early admission?
-Really?
-Yeah.
But I heard his mom
wouldn't let him go.
Wanted him to stay
around the house.
Oh, Jesus fuckin Christ!
You're gonna throw up
on my tzitzit, man!
-I'm sorry, Spiegel.
-Pull yourself together! Gross!
-Hike!
-Why'd you steal my Isuzie,
you fuckin' copier?
I didn't steal it, man.
I bought it
'cause I needed a car.
All right, at the half,
it's Jews seven.
Goys 49.
Hey, uh...
is it true that Lowell Shapiro
helped you and your wife out
when you guys got pregnant?
What is your problem
with Lowell, anyway?
I don't havea problem
with Lowell.
Are you mad that he's
hooking up with Kara?
What? That is--
First of all, we don't know
if that is a 100% true.
So there's nothing
to really be mad about.
[man]
Then what's your problem?
I don't have a problem.
Since when are we all
so cool about Lowell?
I mean, we-- in high school,
we went to Callahan's dad's
screen printing shop
printed up 100 T-shirts
about how "Lowell has no pole,"
and now all of a sudden,
we're his best friends?
Billy, do you think maybe,
possibly,
we were the assholes
for picking on him?
I mean, I am sincerely shocked
at all of you right now.
So I guess you're
all just gonna go
to Lowell's mom's funeral,
then?
Wait. What?
Lowell's mom died?
Yeah,
she died last night.
So this whole time...
you've been asking us
questions about Lowell
and you failed to mention
his mom dying?
No, I was talking
about Lowell.
I was asking questions
about Lowell.
-What did you ask me?
-What kind of
a sick fuck are you?
Yeah, bitch, you mean to tell me
that I'm sitting here
having the time
of my fuckin' life
playing flag football
with my boys,
and sweet Lowell
is in mourning?
-"Sweet Lowell"?
-That's right.
Sweet Lowell.
Sweet guy.
You don't even knowLowell.
You just like him
'cause he gives you
your bald medicine
and your fuckin' boner pills.
Oy. I gotta help with
the funeral arrangements.
Gotta go order the chevre
kadisha for the shiva.
-See ya later, Billy.
-See ya, Billy.
I'd offer people rides home,
but I just redid
the Isuzu interior, so.
Sorry.
So that's it?!
We're done here?!
The 14-thannual Jews versus Goys
Hangover Football Game
is gonna end in an undecided?!
Goys won, asshole!
I'm telling you, something
is going on with Lowell.
I believe you, man.
I believe you.
If you say it, it's true.
I got your back.
I'm gonna get outta here.
That last Isuzu thing
really got to me.
Good idea, man, yeah.
I gotta go, too.
I teach a drum tutorial
on YouTube.
Mostly kids in the Philippines.
Not a big deal.
It's got some followers,
but not too busy
to hang out later,
so give me a call!
[woman] Yeah, you work
in the pharmacy, right?
[Kara] I'm actually
not working today,
but I can answer some questions.
Right, look,
if I am on amoxicillin,
can I also take
Tylenol Cold and Flu?
Oh, uh...
uh, I know this.
Um... I wanna say yes.
-I'm like 70 percent yes.
-Okay.
30 percent is kind of
a big difference.
I know. But I--
yeah, I think it's--
I think it's fine.
You know what?
I'm 80 percent. 80 percent.
It should be fine.
No way. [chuckles]
Kara.
What are you doing here?
What are the odds?
-I'm not an idiot, Billy.
Go away.
-No, wait.
I saw you at Lowell's today,
and I just wanted to come by
and check on you,
see how you're doing.
What happened
with his mom is really sad.
And I'm sorry.
Oh, you're serious. Um...
Thank you.
Yeah, it's really--
it's really sad.
-Are you guys dating?
-Wow. Wow.
Oh, you couldn't even
pretend to be interested
for over 10 seconds.
Are we done here?
We're done here.
-I'm gonna say we're done.
-W-wait-- [stammers]
I-- I know that you're
not happy to see me,
and that you think
I'm an asshole.
You know what? I don't.
I really don't think much
about you at all.
I may have thought that when
I told you that I loved you
and then you disappeared
on me for five years.
Remember that? But now I just
really wanna get home and cook.
I get it.
I found something
in my bedroom that is yours.
If you say it's my hymen,
I will punch you.
It's your Ricky's buy ten
Italian ices, get one free card.
Man,
how do you still have this?
Free ice on that thing.
I'm not gonna throw it away.
Oh, my God.
Right, that was the
night you bet me
that I couldn't eat
10 of these in one sitting.
-It's funny to me, still.
-I pooped blue for a week.
-Yup.
-Oh, right,
I sent you a picture of it.
-I will never forget that image.
-Yeah. Yeah, it was nasty.
Anyway, my parents
are moving out of town.
so we're packing up the house.
This will probably be
the last time you see me.
Oh.
Oh, wow, um...
That sucks.
Look, I haven't been
super nice to you.
Um, so,
I don't know, like,
what have you been up to?
Nothing much.
I got a lot of stuff,
got a lot of irons in the fire.
Doing a new club in Vegas
with like...
bunch of investors,
bunch of Asian investors.
Wow, Billy, that's amazing.
I don't know why it matters
that the investors
are Asian, but--
Doesn't matter to me.
It matters to them.
That aside, that's like,
friggin' awesome.
Do you wanna get dinner
tomorrow night,
before I'm outta here
for good?
I don't know. I don't know.
No. What am I saying?
I can't 'cause I gotta keep
my schedule open
in case Lowell needs me.
He's the reason I'm here.
I came here to check on him.
Lowell's here?
Yeah.
He's working in the back.
His mom died a few hours ago.
He's back at work?
I don't know,
work just calms him down.
Anyway, Billy,
it was okay seeing you.
This interaction
wasn't an absolute abortion.
Uh, but I'm gonna go home
and cook.
Yeah.
Excuse me! You're standing in
front of the dried noodles!
-Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
-Move!
[urinating]
[zipper zips]
Billy?
Hello.
It's me, Lowell Shapiro.
Right.
How ya doin', champ?
I'm okay.
Hope the, uh...
the disturbance
outside your house
didn't wake you up
or anything.
Oh, n-no, no.
I'm sorry
what happened to your mom.
Thank you.
That's very kind of you.
What're you doing here?
I am... shopping
for ingredients
for Thanksgiving dinner.
You don't have anything.
I don't mean for this
to come out rude
but I didn't find
the ingredients that I needed.
Billy, don't lie to me.
You look nervous, Billy.
Nervous? No. No.
In f--
I'm very relaxed.
I know why you're here.
I do.
You know a lot of people
have a hard time admitting
that they need help
with smoking.
It's okay.
You're here for
the Habitrol patch, aren't you?
-Yep.
-I'll get you one.
And, you know what?
No one else has to know.
This'll be
our little secret. Huh?
Okay?
-Wink.
-Wink!
Wait there.
I'll be right back with it.
Oh, you know what?
I just realized.
I don't wanna quit smoking.
I love it.
I'm really good at it.
So I'm gonna stick with it.
But thank you so much
for everything, okay?
-Goodbye.
-All right.
Come back soon.
I'll be waiting for you.
Okay.
"Lowell's so nice.
Lowell's so sweet."
"Lowell helped me
with my heartburn situation."
Oh, yeah?
Then why is Lowell hiding
bloody arms
and a massive penis?
What the fuck
is going on over there?
She was fine when he went to bed
last night around midnight.
-[laughs]
-Last night at midnight.
He was awake at a quarter
to milkshakes.
Nope. That has turned.
[cell phone rings]
Yes, Billy?
-Perkins, I've got evidence!
-Evidence of what?
He lied to you, he told you
he was asleep by midnight.
but I have evidence
that says that he was awake
-at a quarter to 3:00!
-And what is the evidence?
A clock, a clock that I broke
when I fell down drunk on it
at the exact same time
that I saw him.
Okay. Awesome, Billy.
Well,
that's not really evidence.
I mean, have you even seen
an episode of Law and Order?
Where's your motive?
Where's your smoking gun?
Where's your Mariska Hargitay?
You got none of these, pal.
And I honestly have no idea
what you're talking about.
So all I can say to you
is please leave Lowell alone.
And that was just
a paradiddle, guys.
You can put the paradiddle
anywhere you want
all over the drum set
with your basic rock grooves
or rock fills,
and it's fun, okay?
And to all my Filipino fans
out there,
at maari mong ilapat...
-[running footsteps]
-ang paradiddle sa anuman.
Dude! Dude! Dude!
You'll never guess
what I just found.
A VHS player.
Jeez, what is with you
and this tape?
It's like the ultimate
in amateur porn experience.
I found a clock
that proves that Lowell
was lying to the cops about
what time he went to sleep.
He was awake at 2:48 A.M.
I think Lowell
murdered his mother.
Oh, Billy, I mean, Lowell
may be weird and had no pole.
That's been established, right?
But I mean, a murderer?
Think about what everybody said
at the football game.
His mother was abusive
a-and crazy,
and he had to take care
of her all the time,
so much so that she didn't
even let him go to Stanford?
I mean, that would drive
anybody mad.
And he's got scratches
all over his arm,
which he is hiding
the next day at work.
I mean, shouldn't
that be enough?
Plus, on top of that,
he's got tattoos,
like, all over his body.
and they are not like, you know,
like, a lightning bolt
or something.
They are, like,
c-creepy shit.
A murderer, like, that's--
that's a big jump, man.
I thought we were bros and that
you would always have my back.
-But if you don't--
-No, we're bros.
No, Billy, I have your back.
C'mon man, it's me, it's Duane.
Of course I got your back.
Always.
Will you help me
do one of those things
where you, um--
you get information
to prove
that something
is something else?
That thing where you find...
knowledge gathering
with. evidence and--
-Google it?
-Where we, like, chart it.
-Book report?
-Yes, kind of like
a book report.
Okay, like with a thesis
and everything?
But, like, when the police
do a book report.
-God, an interrogation?
-Not interrogation.
-A game, Watson,
says I need help with the--
-You work together,
-use a magnifying glass?
-Clues?
-[stammers]
-Sleuthing?
-An investigation.
-We have to do an investigation!
Yes, an investigation.
It's such a simple word.
But sometimes those are the ones
that just, like-- they're gone.
Hey, Mom, do you know where
my old corkboard is?
And I'd love some snacks.
Oh, can you bring down
some snacks for us?
[humming notes]
[humming notes]
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
[hums notes]
Thank you very much.
Do you know where
the old VCR is?
-No.
-No?
Okay, I thought
we had one down here.
-Might be-- maybe it's in there.
-It's definitely not here.
I've been turning the whole
place over, thanks, Mom.
Ooh, hot coffee and cheese.
My favorite combination.
Sir?
Holy shit.
What?
Someone had Lowell's house
appraised for $1.1 million.
Shut the fuck out.
When?
A month ago.
A month ago?
So, Lowell Shapiro
gets his house appraised
a month ago, finds out
it's worth a shit-ton of money,
and then mysteriously,
his mom dies?
[shouting]
Roger Podacter wasn't framed!
He was murdered!
All righty, then!
All-righty, then!
I really wish you could like,
pick a different movie
to quote 'cause that's like--
Somebody stop me!
Just maybe not Jim Carrey.
Yeah, no, you're super good
at the Jim Carrey.
That was--
I just got excited.
My bad. That was on me.
Shit. But it wasn't Lowell
that had the house appraised.
Fuck. Come on.
I was so excited.
Yeah. Says here it was done
by Bernard Crane.
Bernard Crane?
Who the fuck is Bernard Crane?
I don't know.
I mean, it could just be, like,
a land speculator who's
just looking to buy up the
property and flip it real quick.
We've been getting
a lot of those recently.
Yes.
What if Bernard Crane
is one of those
land perforators...
-Speculators.
-who works...
for Lowell Shapiro.
Oh, fuck, there's like...
300 Bernard Cranes
in Nassau County alone.
We still have nothing
to take to Perkins.
-Hey, Billy.
-Hi, Tami.
-Hi, Duane.
-What do you want, Tami?
So, we're leaving
for Grandma's in a few,
and Mom wants to know
if you're ready.
No, I'm not ready, okay?
I had way too much coffee
and way too much cheese.
I'm gonna shit my pants.
All right?
I'll take the Windstar.
I'll meet you there.
You are so fucking
disgusting.
-Bye, Billy.
-Bye, Tami.
Could you not fuck my sister,
dude?
What? Hey, man.
What made you think
I'd do something like that?
That is a crazy idea.
She's your little sister.
You're my best friend.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I know.
That was stupid of me to say.
I don't know why I said that.
I'm sorry, and thanks for saying
that I'm your best friend.
It's-- it's really nice.
I mean, I knew that.
Fucking duh. Right?
I mean with that rap
about it in middle school.
Remember? You know.
We're B and D
We got no split ends,
we comb each other's hair
We're the best of friends,
take the mike, B
-Okay, I gotta go.
-Okay.
[line rings]
Hello. Shanser's Pharmacy.
Lowell speaking.
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Lipman.
Walkin' off that turkey, huh?
All right.
Is that Bobby and Fran's son?
He looks like shit.
Oh, shit. Oh, crap.
[gasps]
Oh...
[groans softly]
[slow footsteps]
[door opens, closes]
Fuck. [grunts]
Shit.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Ew. Ew. Garbage juice.
Garbage juice. Garbage juice.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God, oh God,
oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh God,
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh,
God, oh God, oh, God, oh, God!
[softly] Oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh God, oh, God.
No, no baby,
don't even worry.
The smell of turkey and corn
is making you nauseous.
It is all good.
I like eating in the car.
-You do?
-Yeah, it's like
a drive-in or something.
-I'll see you after I eat,
okay?
-Okay.
[sighs]
[cell phone rings]
No, no, no.
No. Shit.
God damn it, Billy, what?
It's Thanksgiving.
That's family time.
[panting]
He. Killed. His. Mother.
[panting]
I'm sorry,
you jerking off?
No, I'm out of breath
from running
from Lowell's house
across the street.
You're out of breath
from running across the street?
Now is not the time
to make fun of me
about how out of shape I am,
okay, Perkins?
I am telling you,
Lowell Shapiro is a killer.
He poisoned his mother
with a syringe that I found
and I am now in possession of.
Okay, Billy,
what is this, okay?
Is this one of your
fucked-up pranks again? Okay?
Do you remember the time
in high school
you said there was a kegger
in the woods,
and when I got there,
there was just a dead horse?
I'm sorry about that,
but I am not fucking with you.
[laughs] Okay.
I understand what's going on.
Yeah. You found out
that Lowell fucked Kara,
and now you're losing your mind.
It's eating at you.
It's eating at you, Billy,
the way that those maggots
-ate that dead horse's eye.
-Can you stop being petty for--
wait,
are you sure they fucked?
It hurts, doesn't it?
To know that the person that
you love the most in this world
has been with another.
Perkins, please,
just come over here.
I have the smoking gun
that you explicitly asked for.
Billy, shut up.
It's Thanksgiving.
What am I gonna do,
I'm gonna have a rendezvous--
-Who are you talking to?
-It's Billy, sweetie.
Oh, tell him I said hi.
Hi, Billy!
Did he say hi?
All right, Billy,
I'm coming over.
But I swear to God,
you better have something legit.
Thank you, Perkins!
Thank you!
[Fran] Billy, dinner!
Uncle Fred and Corey
are starving!
[groans]
I'll be out in a minute!
I'm cool. I'm cool.
I'm coo, baby.
Be cool, baby.
Oh, shit!
[Fran] Oh, Lowell!
We're sorry.
[Lowell] Thank you so much
for having me,
Mr. and Mrs. Green.
[Bobby] Can I get you a beer?
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm just staying for a minute.
Billy, come out of the bathroom.
We've got a guest!
[Fran]
Honey, how ya holdin' up?
[Lowell]
Oh, thank you. I'm okay.
You know, I got my birds.
They got me, so.
-[chuckles]
-Yeah.
Sweetheart.
Well, you remember Lowell.
Lowell Shapiro
from across the street?
-'Sup, Lowell?
-Hey, Billy.
I am so happy
you decided to come over.
Well, I thought about what you
said, and I think you're right.
I shouldn't-- I shouldn't
be alone tonight, so.
-Here I am.
-Good.
Come on, you'll be
our guest of honor.
We'll eat in about five minutes,
okay?
Just a couple of things
left to do.
[Fran] You know, Lowell,
I'm very, very sorry
that I didn't get
to know your mom better.
But she didn't come outside
very often.
No.
No, she wasn't, uh--
she wasn't very social,
my mom.
Didn't--
didn't really have friends.
Except for me, of course.
We-- we were best friends.
Did you and Billy go
to high school together?
You're like the same age,
right?
Ah, yes, yes, we were
in high school together.
Class of '03.
You guys like, friends?
Well, Billy and me, we--
well, see,
Billy was very popular.
They called him
"the King of Valley Stream."
And, well, I was but a serf.
Oh, man,
I wish I surfed.
Is this turkey a little dry?
I'm gonna get some drippings.
-No, it's fine.
-Fran, you sit.
You just sat down.
I'll get it.
-Oh. Thank you.
-No problem.
[Fran]
I like your haircut, Corey.
-Thank you.
-It's very neat.
[Corey]
It's $12.
[Fran]
Where'd you find a $12 barber?
[Bobby]
I paid $17 for my thing.
[voices fade]
-Oh, shit!
-What's scary?
He was coming
at you with a syringe!
That is...
for the turkey juice.
It's a flavor injector.
No. I--
No, I know-- I know that.
Right, you do the thing,
and then you push in the juice.
It's an honest mistake,
Billy.
If you don't mind, Fran,
I'm gonna go
to your restroom
and clean up, is that okay?
Oh, sure, it's just next
to the kitchen there.
That was very rude.
His mother
just passed away.
And after he gave me such
good advice about my reflux.
He is not
who you all think he is.
Oh, I don't wanna hear
about it.
I don't know
what's gotten into you.
I'd like to buy some X
off of you, if you have any.
Yeah,
I don't have any Ecstasy.
-Okay.
-At least not in New York.
Oh! But you got the hookup
in Vegas, right?
Man,
I love that you still party.
You and me, Billy,
we get it.
Stop scratching my back.
Hey, Billy, think I found
something of yours.
It was on my fence.
That could be--
how do you know--
it could be anybody's.
Stay... away.
Oh, Lowell, honey,
is everything all right?
-Oh, yeah.
-Dinner's getting cold.
Yeah, yeah,
everything's... great. Great.
I remembered, I've got some
things I gotta take care of
and, boy,
I ate so much turkey,
I wish I could prescribe myself
a antidote for tryptophan.
[chuckles]
That's the chemical in turkey
that makes you sleepy.
-Anyway, I'm gonna--
-Oh, are you sleepy, honey?
Oh, well, listen,
if there's anything
we can do for you
[chuckles], anything,
please don't hesitate
to ask.
Yeah, I got everything I need,
and this was great.
Thank you so much.
Oh, Billy, I almost forgot.
That Habitrol patch
I was telling you about.
So you can quit smoking.
First one's on me.
You smoke?
[door closes]
N-no.
I asked him
to get them for Duane.
Oh.
[knock on door]
Thank, God. Come in.
Okay.
What do you wanna show me?
Wait. Wait right here.
Oh, my good-- Jason?
Hi, Mrs. Green.
How are ya?
Billy didn't tell me
you were coming.
-Look at you.
-What a bad son.
[Fran] Oh, it's been so long.
How's your wife?
-[Jason] Wonderful, actually.
-Shit.
She's eight months pregnant,
so, and it's our second.
Oh, my goodness.
She's a mom.
It seems like just yesterday
the two of them
were up there
doing their homework
on his beanbag chair
coming down all sweaty,
asking me for snacks.
Who knew studying you could work
up such an appetite.
Okay, gotta go.
Come on, come on! Upstairs!
Good evening, Officer.
Hi, Corey.
-Blue lives matter.
-Thank you.
-So, Lowell--
-Where is it, Billy.
Okay, God damn it,
where is it!
-Where's what?
-Where's what? The tape!
The videotape of you and my wife
and breakfast condiments.
Where is it, Billy?!
I don't know what tape
you're talking about.
Don't you think I've been
hearing rumors
about this for a decade now?
And Elana won't give me
a straight answer, no.
But I know it's true.
I know the tape exists.
I know that you know that I know
that it's in here!
There is no tape! Okay?
It's an urban legend
from stupid high school.
Hey, listen-- hey! Hey!
Oh. Okay.
Now, that wasn't--
If I had my gun
I would blast you--
Listen to me!
Lowell Shapiro is a murderer.
Oh, yeah? Where's the proof?
I had it.
And then he snuck over here
and stole it back!
So in the time you called me
and I got over here,
Lowell Shapiro,
the guy who literally
saved my parents
hundreds of dollars
by recommending
generic medication,
broke into your home
and stole a murder weapon?
My-- my-- my parents invited him
over for Thanksgiving--
-Okay, that makes sense.
-No, but listen, that doesn't--
that doesn't change anything!
Listen, listen, listen!
I snuck into his backyard,
and I found the syringe.
Oh, yeah?
You broke into his backyard?
Is that what I just heard?
We have to get that syringe
before he destroys it,
and we don't have much time.
Can you please stop
fucking up my room!
What is happening?
What is happening?
Okay, I feel like this is one
of your fucked-up pranks.
And all of a sudden
you're gonna say, "Ooh!
You should see your face!"
Ha!
Okay, well I'm not
a giraffe in a zoo, Billy.
I'm a lieutenant now!
And I'm done with this.
I'm done with this.
I'm done with this.
If you go anywhere near
sweet Lowell...
Sweet...
I'm gonna throw
your ass in jail.
And I'm taking this dog because
my kid loves bobble heads.
Hey, this is Kara Doblowski.
I don't know why
I just told you my last name.
You already have my number.
Anyway, just leave a message.
-[beep]
-[Billy] Hey, it's me.
I know you have
no reason to trust me,
and my voicemails
can be breathy and creepy.
So I'm sorry for that,
and I'm sorry for...
a bunch of other stuff, too.
But I have something
just really important
that I have to tell you,
so if you could just meet me
at the old parking lot,
I would really appreciate it.
Hey.
Hey.
Thanks for meeting me
someplace private.
You said it was important.
Yeah.
Wow.
Man...
I haven't been here
in a long time.
We had some good times here.
Yeah.
[sighs] Um, hey...
do you got
one of those for me?
I thought it was gross
that I still smoked.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you gonna give me one
or not, William?
William?
-[laughs]
-She's back.
Thanks.
Oh.
[laughs] Wow.
You're still smoking P-lights?
Everyone in this town
is so quick to change.
I like what I like.
Hmm.
Man, it's been a weird day.
I mean, you're here.
Lowell's mom died.
And look, Billy...
I'm flattered that you still
have feelings for me...
Lowell is a murderer,
and I'm really concerned
for your safety.
Oh, ha ha. Yeah.
So, like, weird
non-sequitur-y jokes like that
-don't work for me.
-No. Kara.
Kara. Lowell is a killer.
-You're a piece of garbage.
-What?
Accusing Lowell
of murdering his mother?
But, really,
how low can you stoop?
-Kara, just let me explain.
-Wait.
I just realized something.
Did you ask me
to meet you here specifically
because after you told me
that Lowell murdered his mother,
you thought
we were gonna hook up?
-N-no.
-Oh!
Oh, okay. Right.
You're the worst.
No. Wait. No, so--
you know what?
So what if I did, a little.
Kara, I mean,
this was our place.
We had a lot
of romantic moments here.
Come on.
Kara, listen to me!
He lied to the police
the night his mother died.
I saw him throw something out
in his backyard,
and I got curious,
so I Navy-SEALed
my way over there--
which, for the record,
his back yard looks
like True De-fucking-tective--
I went in the trash,
and I found-- I found a syringe!
Tell me, was the syringe
in a yellow bag?
Yes! Kara, yes!
Lowell...
is a diabetic.
You fucking dickless twat.
Yeah, that syringe
your pussy ass found?
Yeah, that's the color bag
you throw medical waste out in.
Bitch.
And you know what?
It's not even a secret
that Lowell's a diabetic.
You never bothered to find out
the first thing about him.
You know why?
'Cause you don't give a fuck
about anyone but yourself,
Billy.
And I used to be
just like you.
When I think of the way
I used to treat people,
man, I wanna fucking puke.
Thank God you bailed on me.
'Cause if you hadn't bailed,
if you had stayed,
I'd still be the same
pathetic, dumb kid
pissing my life away waiting
for whatever chicken scraps
you might throw me.
And I would've never
gotten to know Lowell,
the first guy
I've been interested in
that isn't a complete
douchebag.
Wait, did you say
"the first guy
you've ever
been interestedin?"
So you haven't
slept together yet.
No, Billy,
we haven't slept together.
But we will,
and when we do,
I'm gonna squirt
all over his face.
[engine starts]
You know, I'm just looking
out for your safety!
And squirt is just piss!
Not the way I do it!
Last word!
[knocking on door]
Hey.
Hey, Tami.
You got caught in that storm?
Yeah. Is Duane here?
Oh, no, he's still
at my grandma's.
He said something
about looking for a VCR?
All right, well just tell him
I came by, okay?
Hey, do you wanna come in
and dry off?
I'll wait for him with you.
So what's going on?
Oh... you know.
One of those days
where nothing turns out
the way you thought it would.
I don't get it.
Has this place changed so much?
Have I changed so much?
I used to love coming here.
I mean,
high school was like--
high school was the best.
Yeah.
I mean, you were...
like a--
like a god in high school.
[chuckles] A god.
[chuckles] Yeah.
You said it. I didn't.
Well, a lot of other people
said it, too.
You know...
I had the biggest crush
on you back then.
-Stop. Shut up.
-For years.
-Stop it.
-Yeah.
I-I thought you were, like,
the coolest, funniest guy
that I'd ever seen in real life.
And I saw the lead singer
of Fallout Boy
at the mall once, so.
Well, that's very nice of you.
Thank you.
And the bar was high.
-[chuckles]
-It was.
You were the King
of Valley Stream.
-Guess I was.
-Yeah.
Whoa! Whoa!
-What're you doing?
-What do you-- what-- I--
-Why would you do that?
-You said you had a crush on me.
I was being nice.
You just looked so sad.
But you called me the King
of Valley Stream.
And I called my arts
and crafts teacher
"Mrs. Superman"
because I was 10.
You-- you-- you looked, like,
right into my eyes.
But you're old, now!
And you're my brother's
best friend.
You knew me
when I was in diapers.
Why would you try
to do that?
I-- I am--
I am so, so sorry.
-This is like incest.
-No, no, no incest!
-Oh, my God.
-No, no, no, wait--
-Okay. No. Okay.
-No.
Please don't tell
your brother about this.
Oh, fuck!
Ohhhh, fuck.
I'm gross.
I'm a gross person.
I'm a gross guy.
Oh...
[sighs]
Fuck.
What is wrong with me?
Oh. Sorry, just came down
to get some batteries
for my sleep apnea machine.
Hi, Mrs. Douscher.
You okay, Billy?
Oh. Don't be sad.
You're a good boy.
Good boy, sweetheart. Oh.
[sniffles]
You really think
I'm a good boy?
Yes.
Don't be sad.
[Duane] Hello!
Oh! Oh. Duane's home.
Well, say hello
to your mother for me.
[Duane] I'm home!
-Night, Duane.
-Night, Mommy.
Billy! Dude, check it out!
Look what I found!
It's a projector.
I got it from my nanna's house.
You think if we could
break open the tape,
we can spool it around,
just play it on the wall.
You know? Pretty cool.
What're you doing here?
Here to see you, pal.
And go over the Lowell stuff.
-But I'm really tired--
-Oh, yes.
Speaking of the Lowell case...
after you left,
I-- I was looking, and I found
a couple more pictures,
thought you might like 'em.
Lowell in high school,
student activity stuff.
There's also a picture of me
and you in there,
just, like, lookin'
pretty fuckin' radical.
Well, I gotta head out.
I'm really tired.
I think we're really getting
somewhere, you know,
on this Lowell case,
really workin' hard
and finding out things.
It's cool, we're like two
best-friend detectives
who-- who solve crimes,
yeah?
And spend a lot of time
together, and sometimes,
it's not about the solving
of the crimes.
It's about the time
spent together.
Hey, Duane?
Billy tried to make out with me.
He's a gross piece of shit.
-Get out. Just get the fuck out.
-Let me explain.
-Get the fuck outta my house.
-Duane, hold on one second.
-Get the fuck out.
-Duane, seriously, listen to me.
No,
I'm not gonna listen to you!
That was the one thing
I asked you not to do.
The one fucking thing.
You're supposed
to be my best friend.
-I am.
-No, you're not!
-Get the fuck outta here.
-I think I'm having
a nervous breakdown.
-I think I'm going crazy.
-Fuck you!
You're just an asshole, man.
Get the fuck out
of Valley Stream
and leave me alone,
all right?
Yeah, take your fuckin' scooter
and go.
And fuckin' leave Lowell
alone, too, man.
He didn't do shit to you.
Fuckin' asshole.
[door closes]
[kicks]
[voice breaks]
My face and head got fat.
I don't carry it well!
Look at how many
Cliff Notes I have.
[sniffles] I didn't read
anything in high school.
[sobbing]
I have two copies
of Death of a Salesman
Cliff Notes!
-[sniffling]
-[stroking]
I was wondering
if I could move my flight up?
Great. Okay. Thank you.
Um... one second.
United...
145...
out of terminal...
three.
[cell phone rings]
- Hello.
-Yeah, where the hell are you?
I'm at your house.
I need to talk to you
right now.
I'm getting out of town,
just like you wanted.
[grunts] You don't understand.
I don't even understand.
Okay. So I was so angry at you
before for accusing Lowell
that I went into the pharmacy
and checked the records
and saw no medicine was missing.
So I was about to send you
a whole screenshot
of the records along with
an old wrinkly penis pic
-telling you to suck it.
-Okay. Still super agro,
but it sounds like
you're onto something.
Okay, so then I saw that
the last shipment of digoxiginen
was 300 pills
at five milligrams.
The sales records
say four milligrams.
And I was like, that's weird,
everything has to be precise.
-So I did some more digging.
-W-what'd you find?
Alright, the same thing happened
to two other medicines
in the last six months,
lidocane and curare.
Holy fuck!
Lidocane and curare?!
I don't, um...
I know what those things are.
Okay, yeah, just--
you fuckin' moron, listen.
Together they make up
pancuronium bromide.
Pancuronium bromide,
it's a deadly poison...
and it's untraceable.
Holy shit.
Did Lowell
actually kill his mom?
-Am I a genius?!
-Okay, just relax, all right?
You're still the idiot
that saw Ace Ventura 2
and then did your homecoming
speech out of your butt.
Well let me "ass" you this--
are we positive
that it is Lowell Shapiro
who took the medication?
Look for yourself.
I just sent you the screen grab
from the pharmacy records.
For the last six months,
it's been no one
but Kara Jade Doblowski
and Lowell Bernard Shapiro.
-Billy, what the fuck
is going on?
-What did you just say?
Oh, my God,
I know my middle name is Jade.
All right? I get it.
It sounds like a stripper.
You did the whole shtick
in high school.
It's not like I didn't hear it
already
when that David Caruso
movie came out.
Did you say Lowell Bernard?
Yeah, that's his middle name.
Bernard.
Bernard...
Crane.
Says here it was done
by Bernard Crane.
Who the fuck is Bernard Crane?
[roars]
Lowell Shapiro
is Bernard Crane.
Bernard Crane
is Lowell Shapiro.
Lowell is Bernard!
Bernard is Lowell!
Finkle is Einhornn!
Einhornn is Finkle!
What the fuck
are you talking about?
He came up with an alias
so that he could sell his house
without it looking suspicious,
and now he's about to skip town.
You just stay where you are
and I will be there
as soon as possible, okay?
Whoo!
[sighs]
I got-- I solved a murder.
Idiot!
You idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot!
You dated a murderer?!
Oh, God, just let your aunt
set you up with her nurse.
[sighs]
[thump on window]
Hi.
Hi. Hi, Lowell.
-What're you doing here?
-I, uh, was...
I was just coming
to check on you.
Oh.
Thank you. That's--
that's really great of you.
You're great.
It's been...
It's been really,
really wonderful
spending so much time with you
the last few months.
Yes. Yeah, me too. Yeah.
I know I've kind of been slow
to move into things with--
It's cold out there.
Yeah, um, well,
you know, you never--
you never know
what you're gonna get
with Thanksgiving weather,
right?
-Kara?
-Hmm?
Do you wanna come in
for a little bit?
I just wanna
show you something.
Um... I'd love to.
But I have to go help my mom--
Kara?
Come in.
Please.
You really need
to see something.
Um...
Oh, my God, he's got her.
He's got her.
You gotta pull over.
You gotta pull over.
Sir, you gotta pull over.
Hi. Yes.
911, I'd like to report
a kidnapping
at 25 Hickory Hill Road.
Yes, yes, a kidnapping!
I'm serious!
Okay, baby, I don't know
what to say.
I didn't know that
my shampoo was pear-scented.
Yeah, I'm not really sure
how you missed that.
I thought the pear was like
a little mascot or something.
-I didn't know that was the--
-You thought that the pear
was a mascot for the shampoo?
Oh,
like that's so unheard of.
That a Dracula can sell cereal,
but then the pear can't sell--
-All right.
-Enjoy your meal.
I'm not gonna argue about it.
It's not a big deal.
[woman on radio] We've got
a reported kidnapping
at 25 Hickory Hill.
Guy says the kidnapper
also murdered his mother.
[softly] Fuck.
Yeah,
this is Lieutenant Perkins.
I'll go check it out.
After I eat my fucking
leftovers,
Billy, you piece of shit.
Are there any pears in here?
Is that a joke?!
Yeah.
[line rings]
You've reached Duane Douscher!
[imitates drum roll]
The rock 'n roll realtor.
Leave a message, and I'll
make you dough for sure.
[beep]
Who am I kidding?
I don't need these.
[Billy] Hey, Duane,
I know you have no reason
to come help me right now,
but we were right about Lowell.
He changed his name
to Bernard Crane.
He murdered his mom
with medicine
he stole from the pharmacy!
I'm printing out
the evidence right now!
I need you to come get
the evidence from my room.
There is enough here to put
Lowell in jail for life.
You need to get that folder
to the police no matter what.
Now, I gotta go and save Kara.
And that's a whole other thing!
Kara!!
Agh! Agh!
Ow!
Why would I do that?
Oh!
Oh, shit!
Oh! It never works!
Shit.
Oh,
that is such a unique smell.
Thanks, Mom.
Ow. Ow.
[gasps, groans]
[sarcastically]
Cool birds.
-Billy.
-Oh, my God!
[shouts, groans]
-Now, Billy--
-Don't hurt me!
-Shut up. Shut up!
-Please!
-Don't hurt me!
-Shut up!
I have ninja stars!
-What the hell was that?
-I have ninja stars!
[grunts]
You're a crazy pharmacist!
Shut the fuck up!
I'm not a crazy pharmacist!
-Yes, you are!
-Do not call me crazy!
You're crazy! Yah!
Oh, God. Oh, my God!
-Stop it!
-Billy!
-Fuck you!
-You're so creepy!
I was right about you
since the 6th grade!
No one thinks I'm creepy
anymore, Billy!
-You're a murderer!
-Shut your fucking little mouth!
-Lowell has no pole!
-What? Shut up!
-Lowell has no pole!
-I have a pole!
Lowell has no pole!
Kara!
Kara?
Kara?
Kara?
Kara.
Billy.
You need to see this.
I, Norma Crane Shapiro...
make this confession...
in the event...
my beloved son, Lowell...
should need to use it
for legal proceedings.
I've been burdened
with Parkinson's Disease...
for well over a decade.
However,
in the last year...
it has moved...
to a more advanced stage.
I'm no longer
consistently able...
to walk on my own
or feed myself.
So...
before my medications
stop working altogether...
I want to make it clear...
that I died
of my own request...
at the kind hands
of my loving son.
He has helped me do that...
which I couldn't do myself...
but so desperately needed.
Thank you.
Lowell, I, um--
You know, obviously,
I-I didn't know.
My mother was a very, uh...
private, proud person.
She didn't want anyone to know
about her sickness.
Crane.
That's not an alias.
That's your mother's
maiden name.
Yeah.
Shapiro was my dad's name.
He left when I was just a baby.
So a couple of months ago,
I went and changed it.
I guess that's why
you're obsessed with cranes.
Oh, I'm not obsessed.
Well, I like them some.
Yeah.
What about the scratches
on your arms?
Oh, well...
yeah, it's been a--
it's been a rough couple
of days.
I really didn't realize I was
digging into myself that deeply.
And so now you're just--
you're gonna sell
the house and leave town?
[voice breaks]
I don't know where I'm gonna go,
but I can't stay here.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
My entire childhood,
I thought you were some kind
of... creep-freak weirdo.
But you're--
you're just an innocent,
sweet kid,
and I'm
the creep-freak
weirdo-- me!
Okay, well,
Billy, it's fine. Really--
Do you know what?
Let him keep going.
'cause he hasn't quite hit
rock bottom yet, yeah.
Kara, you were right.
I'm the same asshole
I was in high school.
I've been lying
to everyone this entire time.
I'm not invested in some club.
There are no Asian investors.
Asians specifically
don't like me.
I do work in a nightclub
in Las Vegas.
I'm the pissboy restroom
attendant.
Most of my day is spent staring
at strangers' coke shits.
[sighs]
And, like,
seeing peoples' penises
out of the side of my eye.
It's not my fault.
It's just like I told
the manager, it's human nature!
When someone pulls out
their penis,
of course you have to
take notice,
but you don't give it
your full attention!
Oh, my God,
I'm such a piece of shit.
Such a piece of shit.
Lowell... I am so sorry.
I'm sorry, obviously,
I treated you like garbage
in high school.
I'm sorry for making up
T-shirts that say
"Lowell has no pole" on them
and distributing them
to the entire student body.
That was-
That was fucked up.
And it's weird,
'cause, like...
you actually do have a pole.
You have, like,
a really fuckin' big pole.
-I mean, we're talkin' like...
-What?
[stammers]
-[siren wailing]
-Wait, how do you know that?
[siren approaches, whoops]
I'm sorry I called the cops
on you by accident.
Police! Anyone home?
Lowell? Hello?
Holy shit.
Hello,
this is Lieutenant Perkins.
Something's not quite right
here at 25 Hickory Hill.
Please request backup.
Thank you very much.
You fucking prick!
Did you tell the cops
that Lowell killed
his goddamn mom?!
I said by accident.
I might've.
I don't know. I'm sorry.
[tires screech]
Wait.
What the fuck is that?
We're the best of friends,
gotta shout it loud
Always havin' sleepovers,
no girls allowed
That's Duane,
I told him to come over here
with all the evidence against
Lowell and give it to the cops.
I'm really fucking you over
here, pal.
I'm going to prison.
Hey, hey, no, you're not.
No, you're not.
Because your mom made
the tape.
No, Kara,
it doesn't matter.
I'm still gonna get charged
with second degree murder.
And even if the jury's light
on me, I lied to the cops.
No.
No, I'm not gonna
let that happen.
Okay, I'm gonna go get Duane
and stop him
before he gets the evidence
to the cops.
You guys stay here.
I will fix this.
I promise.
I'm gonna fix it!
-He's not gonna fix it.
-Not even a little.
Oh, shit!
As you can see,
we got signs of a struggle.
Valley Stream Police!
Nothin'. All right,
let's keep lookin'.
Got it. I got it, Billy.
Billy, I did it!
I did what you asked!
I got it, Billy!
[groaning]
What was that?
Motherfucker. [groans]
Well, let's go!
Go, go, go, go!
Billy!
Billy! Billy, I did it!
No, Duane!
-I got it, Billy!
-I fucked up!
Billy, I got it!
I got it, Billy!
-No! No!
-I got it! I got it!
[both groan]
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-Ow.
Freeze! Freeze.
Put your--
Oh, fuckin' shit, Billy.
You better have a good
goddamn explanation for this,
or your ass is going
to jail right now.
[groaning, whimpering]
Ooh!
You should see your face.
No, no, no, no,
is this a prank?
-You got burned.
-Is this a goddamn prank?
You motherfucker,
is this a prank?!
-Boom-shaka-laka-laka.
-Get your hands up right now!
-I got you.
-No, you did not.
-What's in the bag?
-Nothing.
-What's in the bag?
-Nothing. Just take me to jail.
-What's in the bag?
-There's nothing in the bag.
-Perkins, just arrest me.
Who cares?
-What's in the bag?!
-Nothing's in the bag!
-What's in the bag?!
Tell me right now,
or I'll shoot you in the leg!
Don't move a muscle.
Move a muscle, I'll shoot you.
-I don't wanna give you the bag.
-Let it go! Let it go!
What is this?
Dirty Dancing.
What is this?
What is this?
Is this what I think it is?
Is this what I fuckin'
think it is?
Motherfucker.
Motherfucker!
In the house!
Everybody in the house!
Let's go!
-Sir, come on, let's go.
-In the house!
What the--
where is it?
[muttering]
[Elana laughs]
[Billy] My mom doesn't keep
any butter in the house.
Perkins, we don't have
to watch this.
I have to watch this!
Well,
what else do you have?
Oh, okay.
Oh.
Reduced-fat cream cheese.
[officers snicker]
-What are you laughing about?
-Is it whipped?
-Don't watch the rest.
-What happens?
[Billy] Oh, my God,
you're actually doing it.
Oh, fuck.
Slow down.
[Elana]
Oh, my God. Okay. Okay.
[Billy] Oh, no.
My mom's cats are in the room.
Why does it have to be real?!
[screams]
Demons be gone!
[grunts angrily]
What's going on?
You just missed
a pretty awesome vid
of Perkins' wife
with her shirt off
in high school.
-What?
-Yeah, I've never seen
that done with that.
What done with what?
No. What--
Who's eating cream cheese?!
[angrily exclaiming]
No! No, no, wait, no, no, no.
No, no, no, it's fine.
I'm sure that can't be
the tape there
'cause see why would
he have the tape?
That doesn't make sense,
and then the cops see it,
and I don't get to see it,
that doesn't make sense.
Yah! Whoo!
It's over. It's done.
Jail. Now. Here we go.
Here we go. Oh, yeah.
Like that, Billy?
Here we are.
And into the plant.
-Shit, man!
-Hey!
I don't wanna hear
anything out of you.
-Not in the car, not anywhere.
-Wait.
What, Duane?
-Okay.
-Shit.
[laughs] Okay. Whoa.
Okay. Whoo.
Okey-dokey.
You should know I made out
with your mom.
Okay. Okay, big guy.
Should we be, uh,
letting that happen?
I don't care.
-Let's go.
-Duane, I'm so sorry.
I know I don't deserve
a friend like you,
but if you're ever in Las Vegas,
I would love to hang out!
Perkins, take it easy.
Ow. Ow. Ow!
Feet in. Feet in.
I'd really like that, Billy.
I'd love to hang out.
Get your feet off the--
whatever. Go home, Duane.
King of Valley Stream,
my fuckin' ass.
[cell phone rings]
Shit.
Hey, sweetie.
How are you?
Okay, okay. Whoa, whoa.
Slow down, slow down,
slow down, slow down
What do you mean
Joshy's stoned out of his mind?
He ate weed?
Oh, well, then how--
Baby, how did he get weed?
Oh, he found it
in a bobblehead dog.
Okay. Okay.
Well, we'll talk about this
when I get home.
Okay, sweetie. Okay.
Just remain calm.
Billy, you piece of shit!
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
They take it to the streets
lookin' for clues
A panther
on a one-way track
Lurkin' in the shadows,
yeah, they got all the moves
Fuckin' eagles
never take no flak
You had it comin',
now they're takin' it back
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
You broke the rules,
so they're breaking the rules
A hurricane
with bullets and brawn
One-way ticket
to a bad attitude
Rough riding on a mastodon
Great white sharks
never rest for long
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Oh-oh
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Oh-oh-oh
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
[imitating guitar solo]
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who-ooh-ooh those guys?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Ohh
Who's those guys?
Who-ooh-ooh's those guys?
Who-ooh-ooh's
those gu-u-ys?
Who-ooh-ooh's
those gu-u-ys?
Who-ooh-ooh's
those gu-u-ys?
[line rings]
Hey, this is Kara Doblowski.
I don't know why
I just told you my last name.
You already have my number.
Anyway, just leave a message.
-[beep]
-[Billy] What up, bitch?
It's Billy.
Long time, no speak.
I'm still out here in Vegas,
Sin City.
You know, for work.
Club shit.
Seems like every night
I'm at some new lounge
or restaurant
hanging out with the VIPs.
You know, DJs, models,
shots and bottles.
My middle name should be Wagyu,
'cause I eat so much of it.
-Billy Wagyu Green.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Um, Steve Aoki called.
He thinks
he accidentally threw out
his scrunchie in the bathroom.
I'm gonna need you
to dig around and find it.
You want me to dig around
in these bags?
Yeah.
-For Steve Aoki's scrunchie?
-Yeah.
-If I find it,
can I return it to him--
-No.
I get to give it to Steve Aoki.
Hey, I-I would love to really
talk to you for a second
-about getting moved
up to the door--
-Totally.
Um, maybe next week?
Anyway, I'm actually working
on some really exciting stuff
with Steve Aoki so,
I gotta run in a sec,
but I'm gonna be headed back to
Valley Stream for Thanksgiving.
My parents are retiring
and selling the house
and moving to Santa Fe,
so I gotta pack up my shit.
And, uh...
well, I know we really
haven't seen each other
in a while,
but I would love to,
I don't know,
hang out if you're around.
I don't know.
Anyway, I gotta run.
Man, I wish you could see
this sick-ass view
I have from my penthouse
right now.
I'm looking at
the Bellagio fountains.
-Beautiful.
-[woman groans]
Anyway, you know, call me back.
I would really love to see you.
[Billy] Mom? Dad?
[Dad] Oh,
it's good to see you, son!
Oh...
Oh, it's been so long
since you've been home.
-I know.
-Let me look at you.
Oh, you got a little bigger.
Nah.
You smell like cigarettes.
Oh, no, you know, um,
the cab driver was smoking.
Ugh,
those cab drivers.
You guys look amazing.
Oh, well we feel great.
We're excited about Santa Fe.
Daddy found the sweetest
little place on Zillow.
The Hopi Indians
that live there
described the landscape
as "stones that which laugh."
-Metaphor, but gosh. Wow.
-Wow, that sounds beautiful.
Are you hungry,
sweetheart?
Can I make you
some ants on a log?
Do you need me
to do your laundry, huh?
Oh, any tax forms
to fill out?
No. No. You know what,
I'm good, thank you.
Boy, your friends are gonna be
so excited to see you.
The King of Valley Stream
has returned!
[Dad]
The King of Valley Stream.
Hey, uh,
where are my Isuzu keys?
-Oh, the Trooper? We sold it.
-Oh, yeah.
You sold my baby?
You sold my sweet Isuzie?
You remember that Peter Roman.
Peter Roman?!
You sold the Isuzu
to Peter Roman?
Oh, fuck,Mom.
He's such a poser!
He was always copying me
in high school.
'Member?
He stole my signature scent.
You think he would've thought
of mixing Cool Water
with a dash of CK-One?
I don't think there was
an emotional agenda.
I think he just wanted a car.
What am I supposed
to drive around town in?
Well, the electric scooter.
The electric scooter?
I'm gonna look like
I'm in Garden State.
Someone hasn't changed
a fuckin' bit.
Dork.
Oh. Billy.
Hi.
Tami.
Wow.
You got your braces off, huh?
Oh, my God,
you already knew that
'cause you follow me
on Instagram.
Do I?
Yeah. I mean,
I think the other day,
you actually liked a picture
of me and then unliked it
-a second later.
-What? I don't think so.
Hey, quit talkin'
to my friends.
-Fuck you! Shut up!
-Fuck you, loser!
-Take the merkin off your chin.
-[mocking] Take the merkin--
Get the fuck outta my face!
Get outta here!
Douscher!
There he is.
The king is back
Still rockin'
that chin beard, huh?
-You know it, man.
-Rockin' it hard.
Yeah. It's the only way
I know how to rock.
That's why you're
still a virgin.
-I'm not a virgin. I've had sex.
-With yourself.
All right. Whatever.
Fuck off.
-What's all this stuff?
-Oh, this? Yeah.
Really fuckin' lame, I know.
I'm a realtor now.
Market is booming.
I haven't sold anything yet.
But I think I'm getting close.
Bye, Billy.
It's really good to see you.
Stop flirting
with my sister, man.
I'm not flirting
with your sister.
All right, let's get outta here.
You got the Isuzu?
No. My parents sold it
to fuckin' Roman.
The fuck,
they sold it to Roman?
Oh, fuckin'--
that guy was such a poser, man.
First he steals your
signature scent and now this?
Well,
I still got the Windstar.
Brakes are a little squeaky,
but we can ride together!
Yes!
People are gonna fuckin' freak
when they see you, man.
-Yep, definitely gonna
blow some minds.
-Do it.
Make way.
Make way for the king.
The king is back!
Hey, Big Barbie Bonner.
Is that Laura Ginsburg?
I like your new nose.
-Understated.
-Hey, wanna get a drink?
-Love to.
-All right.
Excuse me, barkeep.
Jack on the rocks,
light on the rocks,
right here,
and a Coors Light.
You seen Kara anywhere?
Holy shit, it's Billy Green.
-Guilty as charged.
-And the Douche-er.
Actually, it's pronounced
"Dough-sure."
as in "I'll make you dough
for sure."
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-You look, uh...
-How's work?
-Work is dope.
Work is on fire.
Work is lit.
I'm like a concierge to VIPs.
-Very important pussy.
-[laughs]
Amazing.
Do you have daughters?
I'm sorry, we actually have
to go say hey to somebody.
-Right over there, yeah, yeah.
-Over there by the door.
Yeah, okay. Bye, man.
I'll see ya at football.
-See ya, man.
-You still do that?
-Yeah, I'll be there.
-Yeah, see ya, bro.
Is that Elana Drucker?
Is she pregnant?
It's actually Elana Perkins now,
and that's her second.
I came across that tape
I made with her in high school.
You still have the tape?
You have the tape?
I thought that shit was gone.
You have it?
I never got to see it.
You know that?
You never showed it to me.
You showed it to Teddy Lacourte.
You showed it to Alex Chang.
You showed it to a bunch
of people.
You showed it to that Ecuadoran
exchange student,
-but you never showed it to me.
-Okay, well, if you find a VCR,
I will show you the tape.
But I will tell you right now--
-Yeah?
-It's just me and Elana
experimenting
-with breakfast condiments.
-No, no! Do not spoil it.
I've been waiting
a fuckin' decade.
Oh, my God.
I got a fuckin' boner right now.
-I'm so excited.
-There he is. Hey!
-Oh, you got it?
-It's so good to see you.
It's so good to see you, too.
You have just, a glow.
Oh, shut up, Billy.
You're lying. I'm a cow.
You're one of those
sexy cows on the boxes
of those Skinny Cow desserts
I can't stop eating.
Or masturbating to.
[laughs]
Yeah.
Awesome, yeah.
So, good to see you, Billy.
Welcome back.
When's the last time
you were home, Billy?
Was that in 2012,
five days after
Hurricane Sandy, right?
That's incredibly accurate,
Perkins.
You still a cop?
Actually,
I'm a lieutenant, now.
Are you still a repository
for illegal party drugs?
If I told you that,
I'd make your job
a lot easier for you,
wouldn't I?
[laughs]
She liked it.
[chuckles]
Um, I'm s--I'm sorry.
Did you eat a pear today?
I might've had one
at breakfast.
-Oh, my God.
-Well, I didn't mean to.
Well, but you did.
Okay.
I should probably actually get
in there, hold her hair back.
Because if she vomits,
gets vomit in her hair,
and then smells the vomit
in her hair,
she's gonna puke more, so,
happy Thanksgiving.
Glad to see you back here,
Billy.
-Good to see you, too, Officer.
-Have a good time.
-See ya, Perkins.
-Yeah.
[Billy] Kara.
-I don't know
if she's seeing us.
-I don't know if she sees you.
Maybe she can't hear me.
Kara!!
I'm just gonna go over.
You want me to come with you?
-No! You stay where you are.
-I'm gonna stay
right where I am.
Hi.
She'll have a Jack on the rocks,
easy on the rocks.
Yeah, I'll have a club soda,
please?
Club soda?
What, are you on Ecstasy?
Hi, Billy.
No, I'm not on Ecstasy.
I just really
don't drink anymore.
Okay. That's fine.
Your breath won't smell
as bad in the morning.
Don't. This isn't high school
or college or that one time
after Hurricane Sandy
when I was really emotional
about my childhood pictures
being destroyed.
Oh, come on.
Christie had just hugged Obama.
Everyone was fucking.
What's going on with you?
Nothing's going on with me.
I've just-- I'm different, okay?
You don't really know me
anymore, Billy.
It's been five years.
Let's see, I don't
skip calc to get high.
I don't shoplift
Hard Candy nail polish.
I don't sneak Captain Morgan's
into Six Flags.
If you want that, maybe you
should date a 16-year-old girl.
I can't. Like, legally.
So jokes like that?
They don't do it
for me anymore.
Oh, my God.
You'll never guess
who's here.
Do you remember that weirdo,
Lowell Shapiro?
He lived across the street
from me in high school?
You know, he used to bring
the tuna cans for lunch
and just like,
drink the tuna water--
-and then eat the actual--
-Hi. There you are.
Hey, how ya doin'?
Billy?
You remember Lowell.
I don't-- it's not ringing
a bell, right now.
Really? Billy, you grew up
across the street from me
our entire childhoods,
and I think I saw you,
like, two hours ago
in front of your house?
No offense, pal, but I--
I meet a lot of people.
Anyway, Lowell and I work
together at Shanser's Pharmacy.
What, you don't work
at Hooters anymore?
No, I don't work
at Hooters anymore.
-Do you still have the outfit?
-I'm not gonna tell you that.
So Lowell has been a godsend.
He helps me keep track
of all the medications
that come in and out
of the pharmacy,
-and I make a lot of mistakes.
-She's lying to you.
She's amazing.
I would be lost without her.
No, stop it.
No you wouldn't be. Stop it.
-It's the truth. I would be.
-Okay.
Like a chicken
with his head cut off.
[laughs]
Do you really not remember me?
Billy, you-- you told
everybody in school
that I had a...
inverted penis.
Remember,
"Lowell has no pole"?
Let's go have a cigarette.
Ew, no.
And you still smoke?
Yeah.
You don't smoke anymore?
Billy, you should really
think about quitting.
You know, our customers
have had a lot of luck
quitting with the
Habitrol patch.
[crossly]
Thank you, Lowell.
Okay. Lowell,
let's get outta here.
Billy, one more thing,
please stop leaving
five-minute breathy messages
on my voicemail, because--
-They're not breathy.
-Yeah, they are!
They sound like you're prepping
to jerk off!
I wasabout to jerk off.
Is-- is Kara dating Lowell?
I'm gonna need
a lot of drinks.
The king is back!
Come here, weed puppy.
Oh, you're a good dog.
[coughing]
Oh! That is old!
[belches]
Whoo!
[slurring] David Spiegel's
bar mitzvah clock.
You still work.
[sighs deeply]
What the hell
is going on over there?
Jesus,
that's a lot of tattoos.
Are Lowell and Kara
about to have sex?
Am I about to watch Lowell
and Kara have sex?
What the hell
is this creep show doing now?
-[faint screaming]
-Whoa.
Screamin'
like a fuckin' maniac.
Where are ya?
Where are ya, ya little bitch?
Where are ya?
[inhales deeply]
Where could you go?
How far could you run,
ya little fuckin' bitch?
I got him. I got him.
Holy shit.
Is that a big yellow condom?
Does Lowell have a huge penis?
[clock drops]
Oh...
David Spiegel's bar mitzvah
clock, I'm sorry.
Gotcha.
Oh! Oh!!
[groans] Spiegel.
[police siren blaring]
[groans]
Noise, why?
[siren continues]
Why noise? Why noisy?!
[siren stops,
police radio chatter]
[man] Did you speak
to any of the neighbors?
Hey, Perkins.
Excuse me, sir,
I need you to back up.
This is official
police business.
If you don't mind backing up,
getting into your mom's house.
Shut up, Perkins, you showed me
when your first pube came in.
Okay.
Grow up, all right?
What's going on?
Look, Lowell Shapiro's mom
died last night in her sleep.
It looks like heart failure.
And Lowell found her?
Yes, Lowell found her.
Said she was fine
when he went to bed
last night around midnight,
and then in the morning,
he found her...
well he found her dead.
Was Kara here the whole time?
Okay. You know what?
I'm not gonna tell ya.
'Cause if I told ya, it would
just make your job
a little bit easier,
now wouldn't it?
That's what I said
to you yesterday.
That's what you said to me.
I'm using your words
against you.
And [grunts]
that probably sucks.
[faint scream]
Go in your hou--
what're you doing?
You don't think something...
strange is going on here?
Look, Billy, please
don't be a dick about this.
You're not
a fuckin' detective.
-Hey, hey. Hey.
-Oh, man.
Do you know
Lowell Shapiro at all?
-Yeah, he's my pharmacist.
-Isn't he kind of creepy?
Creepy? What is this,
Scooby Do? Creepy?
No, he got me through a really
difficult heartburn situation.
-I love that guy.
-You know Lowell Shapiro at all?
Yeah, he's cool, I mean,
I once sneezed
in a post office,
and he said "gesundheit."
German. Maniac.
Hike!
He was off-sides!
I'm pretty sure Lowell's mom's
a fuckin' psychopath.
I'd hear her screami''
bloody murder at him
all the time
on my mail route.
-And--
-Wait, hold on. Don't hike yet--
-Hike!
-Oh, God.
How do you know Lowell again?
Oh, I'm his rabbi.
Boy, what a davening voice
on him.
Do you know he got into
Stanford, early admission?
-Really?
-Yeah.
But I heard his mom
wouldn't let him go.
Wanted him to stay
around the house.
Oh, Jesus fuckin Christ!
You're gonna throw up
on my tzitzit, man!
-I'm sorry, Spiegel.
-Pull yourself together! Gross!
-Hike!
-Why'd you steal my Isuzie,
you fuckin' copier?
I didn't steal it, man.
I bought it
'cause I needed a car.
All right, at the half,
it's Jews seven.
Goys 49.
Hey, uh...
is it true that Lowell Shapiro
helped you and your wife out
when you guys got pregnant?
What is your problem
with Lowell, anyway?
I don't havea problem
with Lowell.
Are you mad that he's
hooking up with Kara?
What? That is--
First of all, we don't know
if that is a 100% true.
So there's nothing
to really be mad about.
[man]
Then what's your problem?
I don't have a problem.
Since when are we all
so cool about Lowell?
I mean, we-- in high school,
we went to Callahan's dad's
screen printing shop
printed up 100 T-shirts
about how "Lowell has no pole,"
and now all of a sudden,
we're his best friends?
Billy, do you think maybe,
possibly,
we were the assholes
for picking on him?
I mean, I am sincerely shocked
at all of you right now.
So I guess you're
all just gonna go
to Lowell's mom's funeral,
then?
Wait. What?
Lowell's mom died?
Yeah,
she died last night.
So this whole time...
you've been asking us
questions about Lowell
and you failed to mention
his mom dying?
No, I was talking
about Lowell.
I was asking questions
about Lowell.
-What did you ask me?
-What kind of
a sick fuck are you?
Yeah, bitch, you mean to tell me
that I'm sitting here
having the time
of my fuckin' life
playing flag football
with my boys,
and sweet Lowell
is in mourning?
-"Sweet Lowell"?
-That's right.
Sweet Lowell.
Sweet guy.
You don't even knowLowell.
You just like him
'cause he gives you
your bald medicine
and your fuckin' boner pills.
Oy. I gotta help with
the funeral arrangements.
Gotta go order the chevre
kadisha for the shiva.
-See ya later, Billy.
-See ya, Billy.
I'd offer people rides home,
but I just redid
the Isuzu interior, so.
Sorry.
So that's it?!
We're done here?!
The 14-thannual Jews versus Goys
Hangover Football Game
is gonna end in an undecided?!
Goys won, asshole!
I'm telling you, something
is going on with Lowell.
I believe you, man.
I believe you.
If you say it, it's true.
I got your back.
I'm gonna get outta here.
That last Isuzu thing
really got to me.
Good idea, man, yeah.
I gotta go, too.
I teach a drum tutorial
on YouTube.
Mostly kids in the Philippines.
Not a big deal.
It's got some followers,
but not too busy
to hang out later,
so give me a call!
[woman] Yeah, you work
in the pharmacy, right?
[Kara] I'm actually
not working today,
but I can answer some questions.
Right, look,
if I am on amoxicillin,
can I also take
Tylenol Cold and Flu?
Oh, uh...
uh, I know this.
Um... I wanna say yes.
-I'm like 70 percent yes.
-Okay.
30 percent is kind of
a big difference.
I know. But I--
yeah, I think it's--
I think it's fine.
You know what?
I'm 80 percent. 80 percent.
It should be fine.
No way. [chuckles]
Kara.
What are you doing here?
What are the odds?
-I'm not an idiot, Billy.
Go away.
-No, wait.
I saw you at Lowell's today,
and I just wanted to come by
and check on you,
see how you're doing.
What happened
with his mom is really sad.
And I'm sorry.
Oh, you're serious. Um...
Thank you.
Yeah, it's really--
it's really sad.
-Are you guys dating?
-Wow. Wow.
Oh, you couldn't even
pretend to be interested
for over 10 seconds.
Are we done here?
We're done here.
-I'm gonna say we're done.
-W-wait-- [stammers]
I-- I know that you're
not happy to see me,
and that you think
I'm an asshole.
You know what? I don't.
I really don't think much
about you at all.
I may have thought that when
I told you that I loved you
and then you disappeared
on me for five years.
Remember that? But now I just
really wanna get home and cook.
I get it.
I found something
in my bedroom that is yours.
If you say it's my hymen,
I will punch you.
It's your Ricky's buy ten
Italian ices, get one free card.
Man,
how do you still have this?
Free ice on that thing.
I'm not gonna throw it away.
Oh, my God.
Right, that was the
night you bet me
that I couldn't eat
10 of these in one sitting.
-It's funny to me, still.
-I pooped blue for a week.
-Yup.
-Oh, right,
I sent you a picture of it.
-I will never forget that image.
-Yeah. Yeah, it was nasty.
Anyway, my parents
are moving out of town.
so we're packing up the house.
This will probably be
the last time you see me.
Oh.
Oh, wow, um...
That sucks.
Look, I haven't been
super nice to you.
Um, so,
I don't know, like,
what have you been up to?
Nothing much.
I got a lot of stuff,
got a lot of irons in the fire.
Doing a new club in Vegas
with like...
bunch of investors,
bunch of Asian investors.
Wow, Billy, that's amazing.
I don't know why it matters
that the investors
are Asian, but--
Doesn't matter to me.
It matters to them.
That aside, that's like,
friggin' awesome.
Do you wanna get dinner
tomorrow night,
before I'm outta here
for good?
I don't know. I don't know.
No. What am I saying?
I can't 'cause I gotta keep
my schedule open
in case Lowell needs me.
He's the reason I'm here.
I came here to check on him.
Lowell's here?
Yeah.
He's working in the back.
His mom died a few hours ago.
He's back at work?
I don't know,
work just calms him down.
Anyway, Billy,
it was okay seeing you.
This interaction
wasn't an absolute abortion.
Uh, but I'm gonna go home
and cook.
Yeah.
Excuse me! You're standing in
front of the dried noodles!
-Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
-Move!
[urinating]
[zipper zips]
Billy?
Hello.
It's me, Lowell Shapiro.
Right.
How ya doin', champ?
I'm okay.
Hope the, uh...
the disturbance
outside your house
didn't wake you up
or anything.
Oh, n-no, no.
I'm sorry
what happened to your mom.
Thank you.
That's very kind of you.
What're you doing here?
I am... shopping
for ingredients
for Thanksgiving dinner.
You don't have anything.
I don't mean for this
to come out rude
but I didn't find
the ingredients that I needed.
Billy, don't lie to me.
You look nervous, Billy.
Nervous? No. No.
In f--
I'm very relaxed.
I know why you're here.
I do.
You know a lot of people
have a hard time admitting
that they need help
with smoking.
It's okay.
You're here for
the Habitrol patch, aren't you?
-Yep.
-I'll get you one.
And, you know what?
No one else has to know.
This'll be
our little secret. Huh?
Okay?
-Wink.
-Wink!
Wait there.
I'll be right back with it.
Oh, you know what?
I just realized.
I don't wanna quit smoking.
I love it.
I'm really good at it.
So I'm gonna stick with it.
But thank you so much
for everything, okay?
-Goodbye.
-All right.
Come back soon.
I'll be waiting for you.
Okay.
"Lowell's so nice.
Lowell's so sweet."
"Lowell helped me
with my heartburn situation."
Oh, yeah?
Then why is Lowell hiding
bloody arms
and a massive penis?
What the fuck
is going on over there?
She was fine when he went to bed
last night around midnight.
-[laughs]
-Last night at midnight.
He was awake at a quarter
to milkshakes.
Nope. That has turned.
[cell phone rings]
Yes, Billy?
-Perkins, I've got evidence!
-Evidence of what?
He lied to you, he told you
he was asleep by midnight.
but I have evidence
that says that he was awake
-at a quarter to 3:00!
-And what is the evidence?
A clock, a clock that I broke
when I fell down drunk on it
at the exact same time
that I saw him.
Okay. Awesome, Billy.
Well,
that's not really evidence.
I mean, have you even seen
an episode of Law and Order?
Where's your motive?
Where's your smoking gun?
Where's your Mariska Hargitay?
You got none of these, pal.
And I honestly have no idea
what you're talking about.
So all I can say to you
is please leave Lowell alone.
And that was just
a paradiddle, guys.
You can put the paradiddle
anywhere you want
all over the drum set
with your basic rock grooves
or rock fills,
and it's fun, okay?
And to all my Filipino fans
out there,
at maari mong ilapat...
-[running footsteps]
-ang paradiddle sa anuman.
Dude! Dude! Dude!
You'll never guess
what I just found.
A VHS player.
Jeez, what is with you
and this tape?
It's like the ultimate
in amateur porn experience.
I found a clock
that proves that Lowell
was lying to the cops about
what time he went to sleep.
He was awake at 2:48 A.M.
I think Lowell
murdered his mother.
Oh, Billy, I mean, Lowell
may be weird and had no pole.
That's been established, right?
But I mean, a murderer?
Think about what everybody said
at the football game.
His mother was abusive
a-and crazy,
and he had to take care
of her all the time,
so much so that she didn't
even let him go to Stanford?
I mean, that would drive
anybody mad.
And he's got scratches
all over his arm,
which he is hiding
the next day at work.
I mean, shouldn't
that be enough?
Plus, on top of that,
he's got tattoos,
like, all over his body.
and they are not like, you know,
like, a lightning bolt
or something.
They are, like,
c-creepy shit.
A murderer, like, that's--
that's a big jump, man.
I thought we were bros and that
you would always have my back.
-But if you don't--
-No, we're bros.
No, Billy, I have your back.
C'mon man, it's me, it's Duane.
Of course I got your back.
Always.
Will you help me
do one of those things
where you, um--
you get information
to prove
that something
is something else?
That thing where you find...
knowledge gathering
with. evidence and--
-Google it?
-Where we, like, chart it.
-Book report?
-Yes, kind of like
a book report.
Okay, like with a thesis
and everything?
But, like, when the police
do a book report.
-God, an interrogation?
-Not interrogation.
-A game, Watson,
says I need help with the--
-You work together,
-use a magnifying glass?
-Clues?
-[stammers]
-Sleuthing?
-An investigation.
-We have to do an investigation!
Yes, an investigation.
It's such a simple word.
But sometimes those are the ones
that just, like-- they're gone.
Hey, Mom, do you know where
my old corkboard is?
And I'd love some snacks.
Oh, can you bring down
some snacks for us?
[humming notes]
[humming notes]
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
[hums notes]
Thank you very much.
Do you know where
the old VCR is?
-No.
-No?
Okay, I thought
we had one down here.
-Might be-- maybe it's in there.
-It's definitely not here.
I've been turning the whole
place over, thanks, Mom.
Ooh, hot coffee and cheese.
My favorite combination.
Sir?
Holy shit.
What?
Someone had Lowell's house
appraised for $1.1 million.
Shut the fuck out.
When?
A month ago.
A month ago?
So, Lowell Shapiro
gets his house appraised
a month ago, finds out
it's worth a shit-ton of money,
and then mysteriously,
his mom dies?
[shouting]
Roger Podacter wasn't framed!
He was murdered!
All righty, then!
All-righty, then!
I really wish you could like,
pick a different movie
to quote 'cause that's like--
Somebody stop me!
Just maybe not Jim Carrey.
Yeah, no, you're super good
at the Jim Carrey.
That was--
I just got excited.
My bad. That was on me.
Shit. But it wasn't Lowell
that had the house appraised.
Fuck. Come on.
I was so excited.
Yeah. Says here it was done
by Bernard Crane.
Bernard Crane?
Who the fuck is Bernard Crane?
I don't know.
I mean, it could just be, like,
a land speculator who's
just looking to buy up the
property and flip it real quick.
We've been getting
a lot of those recently.
Yes.
What if Bernard Crane
is one of those
land perforators...
-Speculators.
-who works...
for Lowell Shapiro.
Oh, fuck, there's like...
300 Bernard Cranes
in Nassau County alone.
We still have nothing
to take to Perkins.
-Hey, Billy.
-Hi, Tami.
-Hi, Duane.
-What do you want, Tami?
So, we're leaving
for Grandma's in a few,
and Mom wants to know
if you're ready.
No, I'm not ready, okay?
I had way too much coffee
and way too much cheese.
I'm gonna shit my pants.
All right?
I'll take the Windstar.
I'll meet you there.
You are so fucking
disgusting.
-Bye, Billy.
-Bye, Tami.
Could you not fuck my sister,
dude?
What? Hey, man.
What made you think
I'd do something like that?
That is a crazy idea.
She's your little sister.
You're my best friend.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I know.
That was stupid of me to say.
I don't know why I said that.
I'm sorry, and thanks for saying
that I'm your best friend.
It's-- it's really nice.
I mean, I knew that.
Fucking duh. Right?
I mean with that rap
about it in middle school.
Remember? You know.
We're B and D
We got no split ends,
we comb each other's hair
We're the best of friends,
take the mike, B
-Okay, I gotta go.
-Okay.
[line rings]
Hello. Shanser's Pharmacy.
Lowell speaking.
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Lipman.
Walkin' off that turkey, huh?
All right.
Is that Bobby and Fran's son?
He looks like shit.
Oh, shit. Oh, crap.
[gasps]
Oh...
[groans softly]
[slow footsteps]
[door opens, closes]
Fuck. [grunts]
Shit.
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Ew. Ew. Garbage juice.
Garbage juice. Garbage juice.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God, oh God,
oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh God,
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh,
God, oh God, oh, God, oh, God!
[softly] Oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh God, oh, God.
No, no baby,
don't even worry.
The smell of turkey and corn
is making you nauseous.
It is all good.
I like eating in the car.
-You do?
-Yeah, it's like
a drive-in or something.
-I'll see you after I eat,
okay?
-Okay.
[sighs]
[cell phone rings]
No, no, no.
No. Shit.
God damn it, Billy, what?
It's Thanksgiving.
That's family time.
[panting]
He. Killed. His. Mother.
[panting]
I'm sorry,
you jerking off?
No, I'm out of breath
from running
from Lowell's house
across the street.
You're out of breath
from running across the street?
Now is not the time
to make fun of me
about how out of shape I am,
okay, Perkins?
I am telling you,
Lowell Shapiro is a killer.
He poisoned his mother
with a syringe that I found
and I am now in possession of.
Okay, Billy,
what is this, okay?
Is this one of your
fucked-up pranks again? Okay?
Do you remember the time
in high school
you said there was a kegger
in the woods,
and when I got there,
there was just a dead horse?
I'm sorry about that,
but I am not fucking with you.
[laughs] Okay.
I understand what's going on.
Yeah. You found out
that Lowell fucked Kara,
and now you're losing your mind.
It's eating at you.
It's eating at you, Billy,
the way that those maggots
-ate that dead horse's eye.
-Can you stop being petty for--
wait,
are you sure they fucked?
It hurts, doesn't it?
To know that the person that
you love the most in this world
has been with another.
Perkins, please,
just come over here.
I have the smoking gun
that you explicitly asked for.
Billy, shut up.
It's Thanksgiving.
What am I gonna do,
I'm gonna have a rendezvous--
-Who are you talking to?
-It's Billy, sweetie.
Oh, tell him I said hi.
Hi, Billy!
Did he say hi?
All right, Billy,
I'm coming over.
But I swear to God,
you better have something legit.
Thank you, Perkins!
Thank you!
[Fran] Billy, dinner!
Uncle Fred and Corey
are starving!
[groans]
I'll be out in a minute!
I'm cool. I'm cool.
I'm coo, baby.
Be cool, baby.
Oh, shit!
[Fran] Oh, Lowell!
We're sorry.
[Lowell] Thank you so much
for having me,
Mr. and Mrs. Green.
[Bobby] Can I get you a beer?
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm just staying for a minute.
Billy, come out of the bathroom.
We've got a guest!
[Fran]
Honey, how ya holdin' up?
[Lowell]
Oh, thank you. I'm okay.
You know, I got my birds.
They got me, so.
-[chuckles]
-Yeah.
Sweetheart.
Well, you remember Lowell.
Lowell Shapiro
from across the street?
-'Sup, Lowell?
-Hey, Billy.
I am so happy
you decided to come over.
Well, I thought about what you
said, and I think you're right.
I shouldn't-- I shouldn't
be alone tonight, so.
-Here I am.
-Good.
Come on, you'll be
our guest of honor.
We'll eat in about five minutes,
okay?
Just a couple of things
left to do.
[Fran] You know, Lowell,
I'm very, very sorry
that I didn't get
to know your mom better.
But she didn't come outside
very often.
No.
No, she wasn't, uh--
she wasn't very social,
my mom.
Didn't--
didn't really have friends.
Except for me, of course.
We-- we were best friends.
Did you and Billy go
to high school together?
You're like the same age,
right?
Ah, yes, yes, we were
in high school together.
Class of '03.
You guys like, friends?
Well, Billy and me, we--
well, see,
Billy was very popular.
They called him
"the King of Valley Stream."
And, well, I was but a serf.
Oh, man,
I wish I surfed.
Is this turkey a little dry?
I'm gonna get some drippings.
-No, it's fine.
-Fran, you sit.
You just sat down.
I'll get it.
-Oh. Thank you.
-No problem.
[Fran]
I like your haircut, Corey.
-Thank you.
-It's very neat.
[Corey]
It's $12.
[Fran]
Where'd you find a $12 barber?
[Bobby]
I paid $17 for my thing.
[voices fade]
-Oh, shit!
-What's scary?
He was coming
at you with a syringe!
That is...
for the turkey juice.
It's a flavor injector.
No. I--
No, I know-- I know that.
Right, you do the thing,
and then you push in the juice.
It's an honest mistake,
Billy.
If you don't mind, Fran,
I'm gonna go
to your restroom
and clean up, is that okay?
Oh, sure, it's just next
to the kitchen there.
That was very rude.
His mother
just passed away.
And after he gave me such
good advice about my reflux.
He is not
who you all think he is.
Oh, I don't wanna hear
about it.
I don't know
what's gotten into you.
I'd like to buy some X
off of you, if you have any.
Yeah,
I don't have any Ecstasy.
-Okay.
-At least not in New York.
Oh! But you got the hookup
in Vegas, right?
Man,
I love that you still party.
You and me, Billy,
we get it.
Stop scratching my back.
Hey, Billy, think I found
something of yours.
It was on my fence.
That could be--
how do you know--
it could be anybody's.
Stay... away.
Oh, Lowell, honey,
is everything all right?
-Oh, yeah.
-Dinner's getting cold.
Yeah, yeah,
everything's... great. Great.
I remembered, I've got some
things I gotta take care of
and, boy,
I ate so much turkey,
I wish I could prescribe myself
a antidote for tryptophan.
[chuckles]
That's the chemical in turkey
that makes you sleepy.
-Anyway, I'm gonna--
-Oh, are you sleepy, honey?
Oh, well, listen,
if there's anything
we can do for you
[chuckles], anything,
please don't hesitate
to ask.
Yeah, I got everything I need,
and this was great.
Thank you so much.
Oh, Billy, I almost forgot.
That Habitrol patch
I was telling you about.
So you can quit smoking.
First one's on me.
You smoke?
[door closes]
N-no.
I asked him
to get them for Duane.
Oh.
[knock on door]
Thank, God. Come in.
Okay.
What do you wanna show me?
Wait. Wait right here.
Oh, my good-- Jason?
Hi, Mrs. Green.
How are ya?
Billy didn't tell me
you were coming.
-Look at you.
-What a bad son.
[Fran] Oh, it's been so long.
How's your wife?
-[Jason] Wonderful, actually.
-Shit.
She's eight months pregnant,
so, and it's our second.
Oh, my goodness.
She's a mom.
It seems like just yesterday
the two of them
were up there
doing their homework
on his beanbag chair
coming down all sweaty,
asking me for snacks.
Who knew studying you could work
up such an appetite.
Okay, gotta go.
Come on, come on! Upstairs!
Good evening, Officer.
Hi, Corey.
-Blue lives matter.
-Thank you.
-So, Lowell--
-Where is it, Billy.
Okay, God damn it,
where is it!
-Where's what?
-Where's what? The tape!
The videotape of you and my wife
and breakfast condiments.
Where is it, Billy?!
I don't know what tape
you're talking about.
Don't you think I've been
hearing rumors
about this for a decade now?
And Elana won't give me
a straight answer, no.
But I know it's true.
I know the tape exists.
I know that you know that I know
that it's in here!
There is no tape! Okay?
It's an urban legend
from stupid high school.
Hey, listen-- hey! Hey!
Oh. Okay.
Now, that wasn't--
If I had my gun
I would blast you--
Listen to me!
Lowell Shapiro is a murderer.
Oh, yeah? Where's the proof?
I had it.
And then he snuck over here
and stole it back!
So in the time you called me
and I got over here,
Lowell Shapiro,
the guy who literally
saved my parents
hundreds of dollars
by recommending
generic medication,
broke into your home
and stole a murder weapon?
My-- my-- my parents invited him
over for Thanksgiving--
-Okay, that makes sense.
-No, but listen, that doesn't--
that doesn't change anything!
Listen, listen, listen!
I snuck into his backyard,
and I found the syringe.
Oh, yeah?
You broke into his backyard?
Is that what I just heard?
We have to get that syringe
before he destroys it,
and we don't have much time.
Can you please stop
fucking up my room!
What is happening?
What is happening?
Okay, I feel like this is one
of your fucked-up pranks.
And all of a sudden
you're gonna say, "Ooh!
You should see your face!"
Ha!
Okay, well I'm not
a giraffe in a zoo, Billy.
I'm a lieutenant now!
And I'm done with this.
I'm done with this.
I'm done with this.
If you go anywhere near
sweet Lowell...
Sweet...
I'm gonna throw
your ass in jail.
And I'm taking this dog because
my kid loves bobble heads.
Hey, this is Kara Doblowski.
I don't know why
I just told you my last name.
You already have my number.
Anyway, just leave a message.
-[beep]
-[Billy] Hey, it's me.
I know you have
no reason to trust me,
and my voicemails
can be breathy and creepy.
So I'm sorry for that,
and I'm sorry for...
a bunch of other stuff, too.
But I have something
just really important
that I have to tell you,
so if you could just meet me
at the old parking lot,
I would really appreciate it.
Hey.
Hey.
Thanks for meeting me
someplace private.
You said it was important.
Yeah.
Wow.
Man...
I haven't been here
in a long time.
We had some good times here.
Yeah.
[sighs] Um, hey...
do you got
one of those for me?
I thought it was gross
that I still smoked.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you gonna give me one
or not, William?
William?
-[laughs]
-She's back.
Thanks.
Oh.
[laughs] Wow.
You're still smoking P-lights?
Everyone in this town
is so quick to change.
I like what I like.
Hmm.
Man, it's been a weird day.
I mean, you're here.
Lowell's mom died.
And look, Billy...
I'm flattered that you still
have feelings for me...
Lowell is a murderer,
and I'm really concerned
for your safety.
Oh, ha ha. Yeah.
So, like, weird
non-sequitur-y jokes like that
-don't work for me.
-No. Kara.
Kara. Lowell is a killer.
-You're a piece of garbage.
-What?
Accusing Lowell
of murdering his mother?
But, really,
how low can you stoop?
-Kara, just let me explain.
-Wait.
I just realized something.
Did you ask me
to meet you here specifically
because after you told me
that Lowell murdered his mother,
you thought
we were gonna hook up?
-N-no.
-Oh!
Oh, okay. Right.
You're the worst.
No. Wait. No, so--
you know what?
So what if I did, a little.
Kara, I mean,
this was our place.
We had a lot
of romantic moments here.
Come on.
Kara, listen to me!
He lied to the police
the night his mother died.
I saw him throw something out
in his backyard,
and I got curious,
so I Navy-SEALed
my way over there--
which, for the record,
his back yard looks
like True De-fucking-tective--
I went in the trash,
and I found-- I found a syringe!
Tell me, was the syringe
in a yellow bag?
Yes! Kara, yes!
Lowell...
is a diabetic.
You fucking dickless twat.
Yeah, that syringe
your pussy ass found?
Yeah, that's the color bag
you throw medical waste out in.
Bitch.
And you know what?
It's not even a secret
that Lowell's a diabetic.
You never bothered to find out
the first thing about him.
You know why?
'Cause you don't give a fuck
about anyone but yourself,
Billy.
And I used to be
just like you.
When I think of the way
I used to treat people,
man, I wanna fucking puke.
Thank God you bailed on me.
'Cause if you hadn't bailed,
if you had stayed,
I'd still be the same
pathetic, dumb kid
pissing my life away waiting
for whatever chicken scraps
you might throw me.
And I would've never
gotten to know Lowell,
the first guy
I've been interested in
that isn't a complete
douchebag.
Wait, did you say
"the first guy
you've ever
been interestedin?"
So you haven't
slept together yet.
No, Billy,
we haven't slept together.
But we will,
and when we do,
I'm gonna squirt
all over his face.
[engine starts]
You know, I'm just looking
out for your safety!
And squirt is just piss!
Not the way I do it!
Last word!
[knocking on door]
Hey.
Hey, Tami.
You got caught in that storm?
Yeah. Is Duane here?
Oh, no, he's still
at my grandma's.
He said something
about looking for a VCR?
All right, well just tell him
I came by, okay?
Hey, do you wanna come in
and dry off?
I'll wait for him with you.
So what's going on?
Oh... you know.
One of those days
where nothing turns out
the way you thought it would.
I don't get it.
Has this place changed so much?
Have I changed so much?
I used to love coming here.
I mean,
high school was like--
high school was the best.
Yeah.
I mean, you were...
like a--
like a god in high school.
[chuckles] A god.
[chuckles] Yeah.
You said it. I didn't.
Well, a lot of other people
said it, too.
You know...
I had the biggest crush
on you back then.
-Stop. Shut up.
-For years.
-Stop it.
-Yeah.
I-I thought you were, like,
the coolest, funniest guy
that I'd ever seen in real life.
And I saw the lead singer
of Fallout Boy
at the mall once, so.
Well, that's very nice of you.
Thank you.
And the bar was high.
-[chuckles]
-It was.
You were the King
of Valley Stream.
-Guess I was.
-Yeah.
Whoa! Whoa!
-What're you doing?
-What do you-- what-- I--
-Why would you do that?
-You said you had a crush on me.
I was being nice.
You just looked so sad.
But you called me the King
of Valley Stream.
And I called my arts
and crafts teacher
"Mrs. Superman"
because I was 10.
You-- you-- you looked, like,
right into my eyes.
But you're old, now!
And you're my brother's
best friend.
You knew me
when I was in diapers.
Why would you try
to do that?
I-- I am--
I am so, so sorry.
-This is like incest.
-No, no, no incest!
-Oh, my God.
-No, no, no, wait--
-Okay. No. Okay.
-No.
Please don't tell
your brother about this.
Oh, fuck!
Ohhhh, fuck.
I'm gross.
I'm a gross person.
I'm a gross guy.
Oh...
[sighs]
Fuck.
What is wrong with me?
Oh. Sorry, just came down
to get some batteries
for my sleep apnea machine.
Hi, Mrs. Douscher.
You okay, Billy?
Oh. Don't be sad.
You're a good boy.
Good boy, sweetheart. Oh.
[sniffles]
You really think
I'm a good boy?
Yes.
Don't be sad.
[Duane] Hello!
Oh! Oh. Duane's home.
Well, say hello
to your mother for me.
[Duane] I'm home!
-Night, Duane.
-Night, Mommy.
Billy! Dude, check it out!
Look what I found!
It's a projector.
I got it from my nanna's house.
You think if we could
break open the tape,
we can spool it around,
just play it on the wall.
You know? Pretty cool.
What're you doing here?
Here to see you, pal.
And go over the Lowell stuff.
-But I'm really tired--
-Oh, yes.
Speaking of the Lowell case...
after you left,
I-- I was looking, and I found
a couple more pictures,
thought you might like 'em.
Lowell in high school,
student activity stuff.
There's also a picture of me
and you in there,
just, like, lookin'
pretty fuckin' radical.
Well, I gotta head out.
I'm really tired.
I think we're really getting
somewhere, you know,
on this Lowell case,
really workin' hard
and finding out things.
It's cool, we're like two
best-friend detectives
who-- who solve crimes,
yeah?
And spend a lot of time
together, and sometimes,
it's not about the solving
of the crimes.
It's about the time
spent together.
Hey, Duane?
Billy tried to make out with me.
He's a gross piece of shit.
-Get out. Just get the fuck out.
-Let me explain.
-Get the fuck outta my house.
-Duane, hold on one second.
-Get the fuck out.
-Duane, seriously, listen to me.
No,
I'm not gonna listen to you!
That was the one thing
I asked you not to do.
The one fucking thing.
You're supposed
to be my best friend.
-I am.
-No, you're not!
-Get the fuck outta here.
-I think I'm having
a nervous breakdown.
-I think I'm going crazy.
-Fuck you!
You're just an asshole, man.
Get the fuck out
of Valley Stream
and leave me alone,
all right?
Yeah, take your fuckin' scooter
and go.
And fuckin' leave Lowell
alone, too, man.
He didn't do shit to you.
Fuckin' asshole.
[door closes]
[kicks]
[voice breaks]
My face and head got fat.
I don't carry it well!
Look at how many
Cliff Notes I have.
[sniffles] I didn't read
anything in high school.
[sobbing]
I have two copies
of Death of a Salesman
Cliff Notes!
-[sniffling]
-[stroking]
I was wondering
if I could move my flight up?
Great. Okay. Thank you.
Um... one second.
United...
145...
out of terminal...
three.
[cell phone rings]
- Hello.
-Yeah, where the hell are you?
I'm at your house.
I need to talk to you
right now.
I'm getting out of town,
just like you wanted.
[grunts] You don't understand.
I don't even understand.
Okay. So I was so angry at you
before for accusing Lowell
that I went into the pharmacy
and checked the records
and saw no medicine was missing.
So I was about to send you
a whole screenshot
of the records along with
an old wrinkly penis pic
-telling you to suck it.
-Okay. Still super agro,
but it sounds like
you're onto something.
Okay, so then I saw that
the last shipment of digoxiginen
was 300 pills
at five milligrams.
The sales records
say four milligrams.
And I was like, that's weird,
everything has to be precise.
-So I did some more digging.
-W-what'd you find?
Alright, the same thing happened
to two other medicines
in the last six months,
lidocane and curare.
Holy fuck!
Lidocane and curare?!
I don't, um...
I know what those things are.
Okay, yeah, just--
you fuckin' moron, listen.
Together they make up
pancuronium bromide.
Pancuronium bromide,
it's a deadly poison...
and it's untraceable.
Holy shit.
Did Lowell
actually kill his mom?
-Am I a genius?!
-Okay, just relax, all right?
You're still the idiot
that saw Ace Ventura 2
and then did your homecoming
speech out of your butt.
Well let me "ass" you this--
are we positive
that it is Lowell Shapiro
who took the medication?
Look for yourself.
I just sent you the screen grab
from the pharmacy records.
For the last six months,
it's been no one
but Kara Jade Doblowski
and Lowell Bernard Shapiro.
-Billy, what the fuck
is going on?
-What did you just say?
Oh, my God,
I know my middle name is Jade.
All right? I get it.
It sounds like a stripper.
You did the whole shtick
in high school.
It's not like I didn't hear it
already
when that David Caruso
movie came out.
Did you say Lowell Bernard?
Yeah, that's his middle name.
Bernard.
Bernard...
Crane.
Says here it was done
by Bernard Crane.
Who the fuck is Bernard Crane?
[roars]
Lowell Shapiro
is Bernard Crane.
Bernard Crane
is Lowell Shapiro.
Lowell is Bernard!
Bernard is Lowell!
Finkle is Einhornn!
Einhornn is Finkle!
What the fuck
are you talking about?
He came up with an alias
so that he could sell his house
without it looking suspicious,
and now he's about to skip town.
You just stay where you are
and I will be there
as soon as possible, okay?
Whoo!
[sighs]
I got-- I solved a murder.
Idiot!
You idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot!
You dated a murderer?!
Oh, God, just let your aunt
set you up with her nurse.
[sighs]
[thump on window]
Hi.
Hi. Hi, Lowell.
-What're you doing here?
-I, uh, was...
I was just coming
to check on you.
Oh.
Thank you. That's--
that's really great of you.
You're great.
It's been...
It's been really,
really wonderful
spending so much time with you
the last few months.
Yes. Yeah, me too. Yeah.
I know I've kind of been slow
to move into things with--
It's cold out there.
Yeah, um, well,
you know, you never--
you never know
what you're gonna get
with Thanksgiving weather,
right?
-Kara?
-Hmm?
Do you wanna come in
for a little bit?
I just wanna
show you something.
Um... I'd love to.
But I have to go help my mom--
Kara?
Come in.
Please.
You really need
to see something.
Um...
Oh, my God, he's got her.
He's got her.
You gotta pull over.
You gotta pull over.
Sir, you gotta pull over.
Hi. Yes.
911, I'd like to report
a kidnapping
at 25 Hickory Hill Road.
Yes, yes, a kidnapping!
I'm serious!
Okay, baby, I don't know
what to say.
I didn't know that
my shampoo was pear-scented.
Yeah, I'm not really sure
how you missed that.
I thought the pear was like
a little mascot or something.
-I didn't know that was the--
-You thought that the pear
was a mascot for the shampoo?
Oh,
like that's so unheard of.
That a Dracula can sell cereal,
but then the pear can't sell--
-All right.
-Enjoy your meal.
I'm not gonna argue about it.
It's not a big deal.
[woman on radio] We've got
a reported kidnapping
at 25 Hickory Hill.
Guy says the kidnapper
also murdered his mother.
[softly] Fuck.
Yeah,
this is Lieutenant Perkins.
I'll go check it out.
After I eat my fucking
leftovers,
Billy, you piece of shit.
Are there any pears in here?
Is that a joke?!
Yeah.
[line rings]
You've reached Duane Douscher!
[imitates drum roll]
The rock 'n roll realtor.
Leave a message, and I'll
make you dough for sure.
[beep]
Who am I kidding?
I don't need these.
[Billy] Hey, Duane,
I know you have no reason
to come help me right now,
but we were right about Lowell.
He changed his name
to Bernard Crane.
He murdered his mom
with medicine
he stole from the pharmacy!
I'm printing out
the evidence right now!
I need you to come get
the evidence from my room.
There is enough here to put
Lowell in jail for life.
You need to get that folder
to the police no matter what.
Now, I gotta go and save Kara.
And that's a whole other thing!
Kara!!
Agh! Agh!
Ow!
Why would I do that?
Oh!
Oh, shit!
Oh! It never works!
Shit.
Oh,
that is such a unique smell.
Thanks, Mom.
Ow. Ow.
[gasps, groans]
[sarcastically]
Cool birds.
-Billy.
-Oh, my God!
[shouts, groans]
-Now, Billy--
-Don't hurt me!
-Shut up. Shut up!
-Please!
-Don't hurt me!
-Shut up!
I have ninja stars!
-What the hell was that?
-I have ninja stars!
[grunts]
You're a crazy pharmacist!
Shut the fuck up!
I'm not a crazy pharmacist!
-Yes, you are!
-Do not call me crazy!
You're crazy! Yah!
Oh, God. Oh, my God!
-Stop it!
-Billy!
-Fuck you!
-You're so creepy!
I was right about you
since the 6th grade!
No one thinks I'm creepy
anymore, Billy!
-You're a murderer!
-Shut your fucking little mouth!
-Lowell has no pole!
-What? Shut up!
-Lowell has no pole!
-I have a pole!
Lowell has no pole!
Kara!
Kara?
Kara?
Kara?
Kara.
Billy.
You need to see this.
I, Norma Crane Shapiro...
make this confession...
in the event...
my beloved son, Lowell...
should need to use it
for legal proceedings.
I've been burdened
with Parkinson's Disease...
for well over a decade.
However,
in the last year...
it has moved...
to a more advanced stage.
I'm no longer
consistently able...
to walk on my own
or feed myself.
So...
before my medications
stop working altogether...
I want to make it clear...
that I died
of my own request...
at the kind hands
of my loving son.
He has helped me do that...
which I couldn't do myself...
but so desperately needed.
Thank you.
Lowell, I, um--
You know, obviously,
I-I didn't know.
My mother was a very, uh...
private, proud person.
She didn't want anyone to know
about her sickness.
Crane.
That's not an alias.
That's your mother's
maiden name.
Yeah.
Shapiro was my dad's name.
He left when I was just a baby.
So a couple of months ago,
I went and changed it.
I guess that's why
you're obsessed with cranes.
Oh, I'm not obsessed.
Well, I like them some.
Yeah.
What about the scratches
on your arms?
Oh, well...
yeah, it's been a--
it's been a rough couple
of days.
I really didn't realize I was
digging into myself that deeply.
And so now you're just--
you're gonna sell
the house and leave town?
[voice breaks]
I don't know where I'm gonna go,
but I can't stay here.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
My entire childhood,
I thought you were some kind
of... creep-freak weirdo.
But you're--
you're just an innocent,
sweet kid,
and I'm
the creep-freak
weirdo-- me!
Okay, well,
Billy, it's fine. Really--
Do you know what?
Let him keep going.
'cause he hasn't quite hit
rock bottom yet, yeah.
Kara, you were right.
I'm the same asshole
I was in high school.
I've been lying
to everyone this entire time.
I'm not invested in some club.
There are no Asian investors.
Asians specifically
don't like me.
I do work in a nightclub
in Las Vegas.
I'm the pissboy restroom
attendant.
Most of my day is spent staring
at strangers' coke shits.
[sighs]
And, like,
seeing peoples' penises
out of the side of my eye.
It's not my fault.
It's just like I told
the manager, it's human nature!
When someone pulls out
their penis,
of course you have to
take notice,
but you don't give it
your full attention!
Oh, my God,
I'm such a piece of shit.
Such a piece of shit.
Lowell... I am so sorry.
I'm sorry, obviously,
I treated you like garbage
in high school.
I'm sorry for making up
T-shirts that say
"Lowell has no pole" on them
and distributing them
to the entire student body.
That was-
That was fucked up.
And it's weird,
'cause, like...
you actually do have a pole.
You have, like,
a really fuckin' big pole.
-I mean, we're talkin' like...
-What?
[stammers]
-[siren wailing]
-Wait, how do you know that?
[siren approaches, whoops]
I'm sorry I called the cops
on you by accident.
Police! Anyone home?
Lowell? Hello?
Holy shit.
Hello,
this is Lieutenant Perkins.
Something's not quite right
here at 25 Hickory Hill.
Please request backup.
Thank you very much.
You fucking prick!
Did you tell the cops
that Lowell killed
his goddamn mom?!
I said by accident.
I might've.
I don't know. I'm sorry.
[tires screech]
Wait.
What the fuck is that?
We're the best of friends,
gotta shout it loud
Always havin' sleepovers,
no girls allowed
That's Duane,
I told him to come over here
with all the evidence against
Lowell and give it to the cops.
I'm really fucking you over
here, pal.
I'm going to prison.
Hey, hey, no, you're not.
No, you're not.
Because your mom made
the tape.
No, Kara,
it doesn't matter.
I'm still gonna get charged
with second degree murder.
And even if the jury's light
on me, I lied to the cops.
No.
No, I'm not gonna
let that happen.
Okay, I'm gonna go get Duane
and stop him
before he gets the evidence
to the cops.
You guys stay here.
I will fix this.
I promise.
I'm gonna fix it!
-He's not gonna fix it.
-Not even a little.
Oh, shit!
As you can see,
we got signs of a struggle.
Valley Stream Police!
Nothin'. All right,
let's keep lookin'.
Got it. I got it, Billy.
Billy, I did it!
I did what you asked!
I got it, Billy!
[groaning]
What was that?
Motherfucker. [groans]
Well, let's go!
Go, go, go, go!
Billy!
Billy! Billy, I did it!
No, Duane!
-I got it, Billy!
-I fucked up!
Billy, I got it!
I got it, Billy!
-No! No!
-I got it! I got it!
[both groan]
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-Ow.
Freeze! Freeze.
Put your--
Oh, fuckin' shit, Billy.
You better have a good
goddamn explanation for this,
or your ass is going
to jail right now.
[groaning, whimpering]
Ooh!
You should see your face.
No, no, no, no,
is this a prank?
-You got burned.
-Is this a goddamn prank?
You motherfucker,
is this a prank?!
-Boom-shaka-laka-laka.
-Get your hands up right now!
-I got you.
-No, you did not.
-What's in the bag?
-Nothing.
-What's in the bag?
-Nothing. Just take me to jail.
-What's in the bag?
-There's nothing in the bag.
-Perkins, just arrest me.
Who cares?
-What's in the bag?!
-Nothing's in the bag!
-What's in the bag?!
Tell me right now,
or I'll shoot you in the leg!
Don't move a muscle.
Move a muscle, I'll shoot you.
-I don't wanna give you the bag.
-Let it go! Let it go!
What is this?
Dirty Dancing.
What is this?
What is this?
Is this what I think it is?
Is this what I fuckin'
think it is?
Motherfucker.
Motherfucker!
In the house!
Everybody in the house!
Let's go!
-Sir, come on, let's go.
-In the house!
What the--
where is it?
[muttering]
[Elana laughs]
[Billy] My mom doesn't keep
any butter in the house.
Perkins, we don't have
to watch this.
I have to watch this!
Well,
what else do you have?
Oh, okay.
Oh.
Reduced-fat cream cheese.
[officers snicker]
-What are you laughing about?
-Is it whipped?
-Don't watch the rest.
-What happens?
[Billy] Oh, my God,
you're actually doing it.
Oh, fuck.
Slow down.
[Elana]
Oh, my God. Okay. Okay.
[Billy] Oh, no.
My mom's cats are in the room.
Why does it have to be real?!
[screams]
Demons be gone!
[grunts angrily]
What's going on?
You just missed
a pretty awesome vid
of Perkins' wife
with her shirt off
in high school.
-What?
-Yeah, I've never seen
that done with that.
What done with what?
No. What--
Who's eating cream cheese?!
[angrily exclaiming]
No! No, no, wait, no, no, no.
No, no, no, it's fine.
I'm sure that can't be
the tape there
'cause see why would
he have the tape?
That doesn't make sense,
and then the cops see it,
and I don't get to see it,
that doesn't make sense.
Yah! Whoo!
It's over. It's done.
Jail. Now. Here we go.
Here we go. Oh, yeah.
Like that, Billy?
Here we are.
And into the plant.
-Shit, man!
-Hey!
I don't wanna hear
anything out of you.
-Not in the car, not anywhere.
-Wait.
What, Duane?
-Okay.
-Shit.
[laughs] Okay. Whoa.
Okay. Whoo.
Okey-dokey.
You should know I made out
with your mom.
Okay. Okay, big guy.
Should we be, uh,
letting that happen?
I don't care.
-Let's go.
-Duane, I'm so sorry.
I know I don't deserve
a friend like you,
but if you're ever in Las Vegas,
I would love to hang out!
Perkins, take it easy.
Ow. Ow. Ow!
Feet in. Feet in.
I'd really like that, Billy.
I'd love to hang out.
Get your feet off the--
whatever. Go home, Duane.
King of Valley Stream,
my fuckin' ass.
[cell phone rings]
Shit.
Hey, sweetie.
How are you?
Okay, okay. Whoa, whoa.
Slow down, slow down,
slow down, slow down
What do you mean
Joshy's stoned out of his mind?
He ate weed?
Oh, well, then how--
Baby, how did he get weed?
Oh, he found it
in a bobblehead dog.
Okay. Okay.
Well, we'll talk about this
when I get home.
Okay, sweetie. Okay.
Just remain calm.
Billy, you piece of shit!
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
They take it to the streets
lookin' for clues
A panther
on a one-way track
Lurkin' in the shadows,
yeah, they got all the moves
Fuckin' eagles
never take no flak
You had it comin',
now they're takin' it back
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
You broke the rules,
so they're breaking the rules
A hurricane
with bullets and brawn
One-way ticket
to a bad attitude
Rough riding on a mastodon
Great white sharks
never rest for long
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Oh-oh
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Oh-oh-oh
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
[imitating guitar solo]
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who-ooh-ooh those guys?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Who's those guys?
Who's those guys
investigating?
Ohh
Who's those guys?
Who-ooh-ooh's those guys?
Who-ooh-ooh's
those gu-u-ys?
Who-ooh-ooh's
those gu-u-ys?
Who-ooh-ooh's
those gu-u-ys?