Motel Hell (1980) Movie Script
He'd go to hell, right?
They walked across the sands...
and they knew they were sinners.
They knew that they didn't know
the word of the book...
that told them
how they should behave...
You're eatin' out
my heart and soul, babe
You're feasting on
my better side
Who ever thought
you'd be this way, girl
Who's this?
Open Granny's room.
Granny's room? What...
What did you go and do, Vincent?
Get the key, damn it!
Ida, come in here.
I'm hungry, Vincent.
What do you want?
The good Lord has chosen...
to pluck this flower away
from the Grim Reaper.
And I want to make
good and sure...
he keeps his hands off her.
- I need your help.
- Why?
Oh, oh, oh. I see. All right.
Well, let's have a look at it.
Oh, well, she'll live.
All right, well, I'll fix
your little flower for you...
but first you got
to go out and pick me...
some goldenseal, comfrey,
valerian, and plantain.
All right.
I must confess
I was skeptical...
but everything I heard is true.
Your smoked meats
are superior...
to any I've tasted.
Girls, go play outside!
We'd like to continue to
enjoy your meat, Mr. Smith.
Where could we purchase some?
Well, look no further, folks.
If you'll just step
right over here.
Here, try one of these.
Now, this is our
souvenir sampler box.
No chemicals or preservatives...
just 100% honest-to-goodness
hickory smoked meat.
And you get all this
for just $2.95.
What's in there?
- I dare you to look.
- Darers go first.
OK, chicken.
A little souvenir
for your station wagon.
Oh, how nice!
Thank you, sir.
Good gracious!
I've never seen them
act like that before.
What is it? Children?
How peculiar.
I'll calm them down for you.
You folks come back
and see us again real soon.
It was a pleasure.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Guess who?
Ida, let me go.
Ida! Ida! Let Bruce go.
Ida, get a bathrobe
for Terry, please.
Well, I hope
you're feeling better.
I want to see Bo.
Where is he?
Ah, he passed away this morning.
You mean he's dead?
I don't believe it.
I want to see him.
Well, it's too late.
I buried him at sunrise.
Oh, oh...
Please tell me it isn't true!
Calm down, ma'am.
Everything's gonna be OK.
Here.
Come on. Come on.
That's right.
What the heck's
going on here, Vince?
Terry, this is my kid brother,
Sheriff Smith of Grainville.
See, I was out hunting
very early this morning...
and I heard this crash...
and then I found her
by the side of the road.
Oh, oh, here.
I guess the motorcycle
went out of control...
and he gave up the ghost
just before dawn.
Boris Tulinski.
I'm very sorry, ma'am.
Were you married?
Who gave you permission
to bury him?
Uh, ma'am, in this county...
under extenuating
circumstances, it's OK.
Where did you bury him?
In the cemetery.
Why the hell didn't you
call me about this?
I figured you had enough
to take care of already.
Besides, it wasn't much you
could do about it at that point.
I mean, the body wasn't...
wasn't intact.
I did the coroner
one hell of a favor.
She wouldn't want to
remember him like that.
Believe me, it's for the best.
What's she gonna do now?
Oh, rest a while, I expect.
If she's any trouble for you...
I could put her up with
one of the county agencies.
Trouble?
Well, were not exactly
hurting...
for accommodations around here.
Besides, we could use
a little help.
A smart girl like that
would come in right handy, too.
Sooey, sooey, sooey!
Sooey. Soo-soo!
Sooey!
Hello, Bob. What a surprise.
I wasn't expecting you
for another month.
Well, this is what we call
a little spot check, Vincent.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
Oh, hell, it's no
inconvenience at all.
It's always my pleasure
to see you, Bob.
Make yourself at home.
Excuse me.
How did they look, Bob?
You better check those hooves.
Some of them look
like they're infected.
I'll take care of them
right away, Bob. Thank you.
See you next month!
You bet.
Do you need help?
Do you need help?
Let us know right away.
You there, send in your letters.
We'll pray for you.
You got a problem?
We're gonna help you do that.
Take care of everything because
the word here tells us...
that we must help you.
But you got to help us
help you...
How are you feeling, child?
I'm so confused.
I don't even know
what I'm doing here.
I don't know whether I should
go back home or try and...
You need to get better
before you rush off anywhere.
Poor Bo...
Bo was the only person that l...
What is it, child?
Do you feel all alone
in this world?
None of us are
ever really alone.
You do have someone.
What do you mean?
Well, you have yourself.
Think about it.
You've been blessed, child.
Oh, the ways of the Lord
are mysterious.
The very fact that you're
sitting here with us...
proves that it was preordained.
Yeah.
I guess you're right.
Vincent, Ida...
I feel good here.
I don't know how I'm ever going
to thank you both enough...
for being so kind to me
and saving my life.
Oh, don't mention it, child.
That's right. That's all
that matters to us, child.
That you get better.
Now, you go to bed.
Good night, Vincent.
Sweet dreams.
Ida.
Another spot check, Bob?
I've had enough,
I've had enough
I've had it up to here, girl
I've had enough,
I've had enough
I'm up to here with you
I've had enough,
I've had enough
I've had it up to here, girl
I've had enough
I've suffered enough for you
And then you turned your back on
me and found another mother
I'm up to here with
You
Like a saint, I rose and...
Oh, man, this red's too heavy.
We better find a place to crash.
Mike, watch it!
Mike, what's wrong?
Hey, hey! Come on, man!
Hey, hey! What's that?
- What's that smell?
- What's going on?
Traps work out OK?
Yeah.
You know, I'm just
beginning to realize...
how important they are to me.
The bear traps?
How's that, Vincent?
No, no, no.
I mean the traps;
shooting out the tires...
chains stretched
across the highway,
and the way we had you lying
by the side of the road...
next to that old Chevy
we set on fire.
You know what I mean, the traps.
Oh, sure. But how come
they're so important to you?
Well, because they give me
a chance to be creative.
Oh. Sort of artistic?
Yeah.
And that way, the work
we're doing here...
will always be as special
as it is important.
Oh, I almost forgot,
I have a surprise for you.
Oh, goody. I love surprises.
Well...
that healed right nicely.
What?
What's that you say?
Come on, speak up!
You see, when your
vocal chords have been slit...
you've got to answer
real clearly...
if you expect anyone
to understand you.
Oh, no, no, no.
You just haven't got
the hang of it yet.
Now, don't worry, you will.
You'll catch on.
I know you will.
Well, start bringing them in.
Hey, what about my surprise.
You're right. Come over here.
OK.
Guess who?
Well, I give up.
Bob!
Good to see you.
When did you drop in?
Plant 'em.
And you wonder how
I keep my shape.
Ah, let's see what we got here.
Funny-looking critters,
ain't they, Vincent?
Yeah, maybe so.
But you know as well as I do...
it takes all kinds
of critters...
To make Farmer Vincent fritters!
This one.
It's like...
I've never really
tasted ham before.
It's true.
It's just impossible...
to go back to regular
smoked meats...
after you tried Vincent's.
You can't beat the flavor.
No wonder you're famous.
How come I never
heard of you before?
Well, Farmer Vincent's
meats are only distributed...
within a hundred mile radius.
That way, I can keep
the quality high...
and the cost reasonable.
So, how did you get started?
Well, in the old days,
we couldn't afford an icebox.
So Granny used to
smoke everything.
Chickens, rabbits, squirrels...
eels, even frogs.
If it didn't move fast enough...
Granny smoked it.
Well, we had this old dog, see,
and it used to bother Granny...
barking through her naps
and all that.
So one day she asked me
to shush it for her.
I shushed it, all right.
Yeah. He sure did.
He smoked that old dog
just like a hog.
That night Vincent
served it for dinner.
And Granny liked it so much...
she nearly ate
the whole pooch herself.
Oh, she was so grateful,
she taught Vincent...
all her smoking secrets.
She knew she was eating a dog?
Well, Granny never put
any distinctions...
on any of God's creatures.
She always used to say...
"Meat's meat,
and man's gotta eat."
She sure loved that old doggy.
Ew!
- Oh, it wasn't so bad.
- You tried it?
Sure. It was kind of like
goat meat, wasn't it, Vince?
Yeah, it's a little
more stringy.
Want to know why Vincent's meat
tastes so good?
- Why?
- What are you whispering?
She's telling me why
the meat tastes so good.
It's because he mixes
the pork with... ohh!
Because I mix the pork
with secret spices...
and Ida knows how important
that recipe is to me.
Yeah, let's take a walk.
OK.
I wouldn't have said
anything, you old fool!
Why did he hit her?
Oh, they like to tease
each other.
They're both a little...
different.
But they don't mean any harm.
So...
So... what?
So, you must be going
a little stir crazy...
up at that motel
with nothing to do.
Not at all.
It's been wonderful for me.
I never lived
in the country before.
I love it.
Oh...
You sound disappointed.
Oh, not at all.
I'm real glad.
I was just kind of
hoping you might want to...
go see the new movie
at the drive-in.
What is it?
It's "The Monster That
Challenged the World."
Sounds like fun.
Listen to 'em eat.
Ain't that a good sound, Ida?
Well, anything's better
than that damn hissing...
and wheezing.
Well, that's not
so much to complain about.
They're good animals.
Not like taking care
of chickens or hogs.
Cut out their tongues.
That would take care
of the hissing.
Hey, you could smoke
their tongues.
Well, I tried that.
Texture's all wrong.
Won't mix with the pork.
Hey, Vincent, I think this one
is just about ready.
Almost, but not quite.
Tomorrow he'll be
ready to become famous.
Hey, Vincent...
do you think in the years
to come...
people will appreciate us
for what we're doing here?
You do understand.
Well, of course I do, you dummy.
Do you think I'm doing
all this just for the fun?
Somebody's got to take
a little responsibility...
for the planet!
Ida, you sweetheart.
I'm sorry I underestimated you.
You better be.
Don't you just love
listening to the radio...
just enjoying all this
good music?
Oh, my gracious,
it's good to be with you.
We got one now
by Leroy Willie Washington,
and it's gonna really
turn you on.
He's there... he's right here
by your side.
Is this the drive-in?
Yep.
Not very funny, Bruce.
I think we better just
turn around and...
What the hell?
No wonder. Wrong tree.
Hold on a sec.
This is the Sheriff.
You are violating
the law and have...
exactly 2 minutes to clear out.
Now, move out, please.
Come on, move that Ford there.
Let's move it.
Let's go. Move it now. You, too!
You! Halt!
Now, get back in that vehicle...
before I make arrests.
Now, move your asses.
Move! Let's go.
Keep it moving, now.
Let's get that Vega
moving on, too.
I mean now. Let's go.
What was all that about?
You'll see.
There you go.
Now, look right down there.
All right!
- Yeah, Dixie?
- Moonlight drive-in.
- This is Bruce.
- Hi, Bruce.
Will you feed the sound
onto channel 22?
- Sure thing!
- Thanks.
Mommy!
Hey. This is great.
But how are you going to see?
1,500 bucks in 2 days.
That's what I call
a great weekend.
I wish that ski season
lasted all year.
Yeah, it was OK.
What's with you?
You know that instructor
I made it with for the lessons?
- The blonde?
- Yeah.
I think he had you-know-what...
Will you look at those
stupid cows!
I don't believe this.
Something's weird.
They look fake.
Is this some kind of a joke?
I don't dig the vibes here.
Why don't you just
drive around them.
I can't.
There's not enough room.
Come on. Move 'em, Debbie.
Just knock 'em over.
Are you gonna pay
for my bodywork?
Ah, shit, but you owe me
a big one.
Well, take the gun.
Forget it. You do it.
You chicken shit!
Let's get out of here.
No! No!
No!
Get help. Hear me?
Bruce...
Please don't.
OK?
Bruce! What are you...?
Somebody help me!
Somebody help me, please!
OK! All right.
I'm sorry.
I didn't say that.
You didn't?
No. And the movie just ended.
Dixie, this is Bruce.
Are you OK?
Yeah. But somebody's in trouble.
10-33. This is Sheriff Smith.
What's your 20?
Oh, no!
No!
What's your 20?
Do you copy?
What are you saying?
Talk in English!
Where are you?
What's wrong?
Somebody's trying to kill me!
Where are you?
Oh, no! I'm on Highway 52...
about 10 miles
outside of Grainville.
- Terry, check on that woman.
- How do I do it?
Press the button on the mike
and ask her where she is.
This is the Sheriff's car.
Where are you now?
I guess she can't hear us.
- Hey, look. I saw something.
- Where?
Up around that bend.
Nuts!
I'll get out and push.
Ok. Start slow.
Then when I yell, stand on it.
Ok. Stand on it!
Bruce?
There. That ought to hold it.
Nice work.
Aw, thanks, Vincent.
Poultice.
Who's that?
Brucey?
No. That ain't Bruce's car.
Did you turn on
the No Vacancy sign?
Whoops.
Well, I sure love you folks...
over there in Grainville...
listening to old Wolfman Jack.
Sure has been a pleasure
having you folks listen.
Here. Take a bite of that.
What is it?
Beef jerky. The best.
- Guess who owns this place?
- Roy Rogers.
No. Take a look at the label.
"Farmer Vincent."
Who the hell is that?
He makes the best meats
in the whole world.
I practically grew up on it.
Ugh! Really?
Well, that's just great, Guy.
What about the room?
I don't know.
There's nobody around.
Evening, folks.
Uh, we decided to retire
a little earlier tonight.
I can dig it.
"Early to bed, early to rise..."
Ha ha! If you get my meaning.
What can I do for you?
Well, uh, we'd like
a room for the night.
Come on inside. I'll fix you up.
Come on.
Hey, this place is cool,
isn't it?
Well, we can turn up
the heat if you like.
"Turn up the heat."
That's too... that's... what?
Are you sure this is
the right place?
- Trust me.
- Howdy.
Ma'am.
Well, you look like
a man who knows...
how to get down.
Are you all right, honey?
I'm fine. But we were trying
to find some woman...
who was yelling that somebody
was trying to kill her.
Hey, Vince, did you hear
a 10-33...
on your scanner
about half an hour ago?
No, I didn't.
But maybe it's because
I wasn't listening.
Hi, everybody.
When did the party start?
There ain't no party.
Bruce was just
asking me if we heard...
any 10-33s on the CB.
Did you hear anything?
Well, as a matter of fact,
I did.
Some kids making prank calls...
screaming murder,
and that kind of thing...
so the truckers and smokies
go on wild goose chases?
Damn. We'll have to
report it to...
the Federal Communications
Commission.
Well, I guess I'll be
heading home now.
If you hear those kids again...
you just give me a call.
Will do.
Good night, Bruce.
I had a real good time.
Thanks a lot.
Uh, yeah. Sure.
Hey, anytime you want
a little excitement...
you know where to find it.
Night, now.
Night.
Good night.
All right.
Look, now that smokey's gone,
do you mind filling us in
on the scene?
The what?
Come on. The action.
There must be some mis...
Uh! Vincent, look.
Here we are.
Oh! Yeah.
Is there anything wrong?
We just didn't expect
to make this issue.
Ain't this great, Vincent?
It sure is.
Uh, cabin 1...
Ida will show you the way.
You want us to register?
No, that won't be necessary.
Dig it.
What do you say
we meet in say, oh...
- 10 minutes.
- Yeah.
That'll be fine.
And why don't you
invite your daughter.
She's not my daughter.
Whatever.
This way, folks.
Oh, Vincent, don't forget
your stretching exercises.
"Stretching exercises"?
I told you!
Easy, Guy, easy.
We have...
Who sent in $1,000.
You know, we're all God's tools.
There's somebody
out there with $1,000...
Edie, where's my jelly?
Aren't you even gonna shave?
I always do.
Just go to your phone
and dial that number...
that you see running underneath
your television screen.
- Hey...
- Huh?
I wonder if they're
into animals.
I certainly hope so!
Oh! I can't take it
when you wiggle that weapon.
If you can't take it,
then I'll take you.
- Oh, Edie...
- Huh?
Warm me up.
Let's get greasy.
We do need this money
to continue the telecast.
Oh, that is...
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Fantastic. Wha...? What?
What? Oh!
We didn't even get a chance
to warm up, you know.
Oh, great. You're into bondage.
Come on in. We'll all get down.
Thank you.
You look good enough to eat.
I hope so!
Oh! Uh... listen...
do you want me to...
Tie me up, old man.
OK?
- Oh, I'll tie you up.
- All right. Tie me up, girl.
You do that pretty good.
What is this, dog style?
No, ma'am. Hog.
I'm just about ready
to throw in the towel.
Would you put your hands
behind your back, please?
Sure. Listen, you got
any pigs around here?
Nitrous oxide.
Sookie, sookie. Me first.
You take it easy, now.
There's enough for everybody.
Ok. Right.
Ok. Go for it.
Wow! Come on. Let's go!
Okey-dokey.
Listen, that doesn't
smell like laughing gas.
Ah, this is special
laughing gas.
What is that shit?!
What is it? Oh...
With this stuff...
you smell it and we
do the laughing.
All we have to do is give
to be happy.
Well, you're up
bright and early today.
I'm getting used to life
on the farm, I guess.
And you?
Well, today's my day
for planting alfalfa.
How would you like it
if someday I taught you...
the ancient art of meat-smoking?
I'd be honored.
Well, don't be too sure
about that.
Sometimes folks don't
have a stomach for it.
Well, don't worry about me.
Mine's cast-iron.
That's a good start.
It's beautiful.
Well... see ya later, honey.
OK.
What are you doing
in here, girl?!
You know what Vincent
would do if he caught you?
I shudder to think of it.
I'm sorry! I was just curious.
The door was open,
and Vincent said...
he was gonna teach me
how to smoke meats.
Ohh... he did?
Yeah. This morning.
Oh, well, I see.
That's... that's different then.
I just want to be
helpful to you, Ida.
Of course, you'll be
able to help out a lot.
That'll be nice.
What a day for tubin'.
"Tubin"'?
Yeah, tubin', my precious one.
Haven't you ever... tubed?
I'm not a very strong swimmer.
Oh, you don't have to be.
That's the beauty of it.
I don't know how to swim at all.
Are you sure?
All right. 1... 2... 3...
Ida, what's that noise?
My tube is leaking.
Hang on! Hang on!
I'll come and help you.
I... I can't swim.
Here. Grab on to my tube.
Ida!
Help! Help!
What are you doing, Vincent?
Vincent!
I'm so sorry about
what happened.
I was just so scared.
I hope you'll forgive me.
Yes, of course I do.
Then I feel better.
Well, I gotta go
tidy up a bit...
and I'll just leave you 2...
alone.
You saved me.
I can't tell you
what a horrible feeling it is...
to be pulled down under
by somebody.
Oh, you poor thing.
Let's not talk about it anymore.
It's over.
You feeling better now?
Yeah.
Thanks to you.
Vincent?
Kiss me.
Not like that!
Vincent... take me.
That's indecent. Cover yourself.
What's the matter?
We should be married first.
Are you proposing to me?
Vincent, I think I'd like
to be alone for a little while.
I know.
I'll... I'll leave you be.
Glory, glory, glory!
I'm talking in tongues,
I'm just so happy for you.
God bless you, Vincent.
Listen, we're going to
take care of everything.
We'll have it all done
by tomorrow...
and it's going to be
a happy day.
So you don't worry
about anything now.
Thank you, Reverend.
Thank you.
I believe I'm gonna
have a glory fit.
Glory, glory...
Congratulations, Sheriff!
What for?
- Surely you must know.
- Uh-uh.
Vincent's getting married.
- What?
- That's right.
He told me to order a service
for him tomorrow.
I don't believe it!
Who's he getting married to?
Sheriff, is that a lewd magazine
you have in your car there?
Oh, uh... that?
I confiscated it
from one of the kids.
Sheriff, please give it to me
so I can properly destroy it.
Oh, uh... sure.
Here you go.
Say, who's gonna be
Vincent's bride anyway?
Oh, that poor thing
that he rescued...
from the motorcycle accident.
That's impossible.
Well, the Lord's ways
are sometimes mysterious.
I'll say. See you later.
She wouldn't marry
an old goat like that...
unless he put a gun
to her head.
I bet that's it.
I bet the old geezer finally
flipped out.
Oh, my god.
Oh, glory!
Hi, Brucey!
You're sick, you know that?
Both of you!
Terry!
Terry, where are you?
She's taking a bath, Brucey.
We'll see about that.
I don't have a warrant,
but you try and stop me!
What the heck?
Terry!
Bruce, what are you doing?
- You're all right!
- Of course I'm all right.
Is it?
Are you and Vincent...
Yeah! We're getting married
tomorrow afternoon.
I don't believe it!
You mean he's not forcing you?
Forcing me?
- I love Vincent.
- Oh, you're sick.
I am not sick!
Well, what about us?
I'm madly in love with you!
You can't marry Vincent!
Bruce, will you listen to me!
I love Vincent,
and he's gonna be my old man!
Get it?
You can't marry him.
The law won't allow it!
- He's insane!
- He is not.
Oh...
Didn't he tell you?
He's got syphilis of the brain!
That's right!
He's not normal at all...
and he's dumb, yeah...
and his pecker
don't work either!
Boy, are you going
to be disappointed...
when he gets out
of those overalls...
on his wedding night...
and there's this
shriveled-up prune!
I think you better leave
before Vincent comes back.
Let him come back!
You think I'm scared of him?
What's the matter?
Oh, hi, Vince.
Pretty good joke, huh?
Huh?
Oh, come on, Vince.
Better put that down.
You know, accidents do happen.
If there weren't
a lady present...
you might not be alive
right now.
Well, don't be such a...
Well, I'm sorry to see that
you're taking this so hard.
You're gonna regret that,
Vincent.
Don't forget...
I'm the law around here!
Oh, no, Vince! Oh! Don't!
I have a little surprise
for you.
What is it?
Just a little something.
- It's so beautiful...
- Here, here.
Only the best
for my little girl.
All right!
A party! Champagne! Great!
Thank you.
Well...
here's to Terry,
my bride-to-be...
and the sweetest
little creature...
since sugar-cured ham.
And... me?
Well, what for?
For the hell of it.
All right!
Here's to my little sister Ida,
for the hell of it!
Kind of tickles the tummy,
doesn't it?
- Can I have a kiss?
- Yeah.
Oh. Excuse me.
Thank you, Ida.
Are you nervous?
Yeah, I am a little bit.
Well, drink up, girl.
That's what it's there for.
You're right!
- I love champagne.
- It's good.
She's out.
Let's go to work.
You think they deserve it?
Ida, what does
the good book say?
I know: "Do unto others...
as ye would have others
do unto ye," right?
Right.
And no animal should ever suffer
any unnecessary pain.
There, there now.
None of that.
I have a treat for you.
I had a feeling you boys
could get behind this.
Now... as you check out
the swirling colors...
notice how your heads become
more and more mellow.
Each word I say will take you
farther and farther...
into a radical hypno high!
Heavier, but smoother than
any trip you've ever had.
You boys know about
astral projection?
All right now, by the time
I count to 10...
we're going to project you
beyond Mars!
We're going to send you
to a place...
where people are so far out,
they have wings!
All right, here we go.
10...
9...
8...
Copilot Ida, put the space belts
on our passengers.
Aye aye, Captain Vincent!
Space belts in place, Captain.
7...
6...
5...
Copilot Ida...
secure the hatches
and prepare for takeoff.
Aye aye!
4...
3...
Ready for takeoff!
2...
1...
Takeoff!
Well done.
Oh, sometimes I wonder about...
the karmic implications of
these acts.
I can no more take credit
for the good...
we've done here tonight
than if...
if that great pilot
in the sky...
had blessed each of them...
with a bolt of lightning
through their hearts.
Of course.
Your spaceship awaits you,
Captain.
Oh, yeah.
Strip 'em down and clean 'em up.
Okey-dokey.
Terry?
Oh, Bruce, what are you
doing here?
Don't worry about me.
You're the one who's in danger!
What are you talking about?
I think Vincent may be
planning to kill you!
Oh, Bruce, I can't believe
you're trying...
to pull that number on me again.
No, please!
Look, I did some detective work.
You won't believe some of
the things I found out!
You gotta listen to me!
What the hell's the matter
with you?
I'm just hungry, that's all.
Hey, could I slice off
a piece of...
No, damn it!
You know we're short...
and I'm not going to smoke
any more than these 3 tonight.
All right.
I can't help it!
Well, then go get something
to eat, but make it snappy.
Okey-dokey. I'll be right back.
Terry, come on! Hurry up!
They'll be back soon!
I found some of
Vincent's shotgun shells...
right near where
you had your accident.
So what?
He always goes duck hunting
around there.
Hold out your hand.
I dug those out of the front
tire of your motorcycle.
Are you trying to tell me
that he shot us?
Yeah, I am trying...
and that's not all.
Wait till you hear what I
found in the marsh.
What?
Oh, only about 200 cars
he ambushed...
and sunk in there.
- Come on, let's go.
- I'll be there in a minute.
Terry, what the hell
are you doing?
I'm not going to wait
any longer.
What are you...?
It's time for your lesson.
We're gonna teach you the finer
points of meat-smoking.
Go!
I guess we better
explain everything to her...
so she can give us a hand.
The sooner we pack
all this up...
the sooner we can all
get to bed.
Right?
Let her go.
Look at me.
Look at me, I said.
Now...
what do you see?
Get the hell out of here...
and get Bruce and bring him
back here right now!
Okey-dokey.
What are you doing here, huh?
Do you need some water?
Come on, my beauties.
That's right.
Oh, come on, girl.
Haven't you ever cleaned a fish?
There's nothing cruel...
in what I'm doing here.
I treat most of my stock...
better than farmers
treat their animals.
I don't feed them
chemicals or hormones.
And when you consider
the way the world is today...
there's no question
that I'm doing...
a lot of them a big favor.
What right do you
have to play God?
I'm not trying to play God.
I wouldn't even know
how to begin.
I'm just helping out.
There's too many people
in the world...
and not enough food.
Now, this takes care
of both problems...
at the same time.
But humans?
Human flesh?
How could you do it?
What are you talking about?
Hell, half the people
in this county...
have been eating human flesh...
that I have smoked
for over 30 years...
and loving it.
You, yourself, said that
my ham was like...
nothing you'd ever
tasted before.
I wish I could
have introduced you...
into my private world
in my own way.
But, oh, no.
Little brother had to
interfere, didn't he?
He's a fool!
And he's the biggest cannibal
in the whole county.
Did you know that?
The biggest cannibal
in the whole county.
Where the hell is she?
Probably stuffing
her face again.
Well...
I better finish these,
or I'll be up all night.
It's locked...
from the outside.
Well, I guess Ida was right.
She told me you'd never fit in.
I'm very sorry, Terry.
Terry?
Terry?
Vincent?
Bruce!
Bruce! Help me, please!
Bruce, get me out of here!
Bruce!
Bruce! Help me!
Please!
Vincent?
Bruce!
Help!
Terry!
There you go.
Vincent.
Oh, Lord!
You can have the...
the motel...
and the garden.
What garden?
The secret garden...
at the end of the... dirt road.
And my animals.
You take care of my animals.
What's he talking about?
I'll take care of them, Vince.
My whole life...
my whole life has...
been a lie.
I'm the biggest hypocrite...
of them all.
What do you mean?
My...
my meats...
I...
I used...
preservatives.
Did you see what he was doing?
I saw.
I was brought up here, you know.
Now I'm kind of glad...
I ran away from home
when I was 11.
I guess there's gonna have to
be some kind of investigation.
Why don't you just burn
the place?
Burn it?
You mean arson?
I don't know.
That's what I'd do.
It's an evil motel.
They walked across the sands...
and they knew they were sinners.
They knew that they didn't know
the word of the book...
that told them
how they should behave...
You're eatin' out
my heart and soul, babe
You're feasting on
my better side
Who ever thought
you'd be this way, girl
Who's this?
Open Granny's room.
Granny's room? What...
What did you go and do, Vincent?
Get the key, damn it!
Ida, come in here.
I'm hungry, Vincent.
What do you want?
The good Lord has chosen...
to pluck this flower away
from the Grim Reaper.
And I want to make
good and sure...
he keeps his hands off her.
- I need your help.
- Why?
Oh, oh, oh. I see. All right.
Well, let's have a look at it.
Oh, well, she'll live.
All right, well, I'll fix
your little flower for you...
but first you got
to go out and pick me...
some goldenseal, comfrey,
valerian, and plantain.
All right.
I must confess
I was skeptical...
but everything I heard is true.
Your smoked meats
are superior...
to any I've tasted.
Girls, go play outside!
We'd like to continue to
enjoy your meat, Mr. Smith.
Where could we purchase some?
Well, look no further, folks.
If you'll just step
right over here.
Here, try one of these.
Now, this is our
souvenir sampler box.
No chemicals or preservatives...
just 100% honest-to-goodness
hickory smoked meat.
And you get all this
for just $2.95.
What's in there?
- I dare you to look.
- Darers go first.
OK, chicken.
A little souvenir
for your station wagon.
Oh, how nice!
Thank you, sir.
Good gracious!
I've never seen them
act like that before.
What is it? Children?
How peculiar.
I'll calm them down for you.
You folks come back
and see us again real soon.
It was a pleasure.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Guess who?
Ida, let me go.
Ida! Ida! Let Bruce go.
Ida, get a bathrobe
for Terry, please.
Well, I hope
you're feeling better.
I want to see Bo.
Where is he?
Ah, he passed away this morning.
You mean he's dead?
I don't believe it.
I want to see him.
Well, it's too late.
I buried him at sunrise.
Oh, oh...
Please tell me it isn't true!
Calm down, ma'am.
Everything's gonna be OK.
Here.
Come on. Come on.
That's right.
What the heck's
going on here, Vince?
Terry, this is my kid brother,
Sheriff Smith of Grainville.
See, I was out hunting
very early this morning...
and I heard this crash...
and then I found her
by the side of the road.
Oh, oh, here.
I guess the motorcycle
went out of control...
and he gave up the ghost
just before dawn.
Boris Tulinski.
I'm very sorry, ma'am.
Were you married?
Who gave you permission
to bury him?
Uh, ma'am, in this county...
under extenuating
circumstances, it's OK.
Where did you bury him?
In the cemetery.
Why the hell didn't you
call me about this?
I figured you had enough
to take care of already.
Besides, it wasn't much you
could do about it at that point.
I mean, the body wasn't...
wasn't intact.
I did the coroner
one hell of a favor.
She wouldn't want to
remember him like that.
Believe me, it's for the best.
What's she gonna do now?
Oh, rest a while, I expect.
If she's any trouble for you...
I could put her up with
one of the county agencies.
Trouble?
Well, were not exactly
hurting...
for accommodations around here.
Besides, we could use
a little help.
A smart girl like that
would come in right handy, too.
Sooey, sooey, sooey!
Sooey. Soo-soo!
Sooey!
Hello, Bob. What a surprise.
I wasn't expecting you
for another month.
Well, this is what we call
a little spot check, Vincent.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
Oh, hell, it's no
inconvenience at all.
It's always my pleasure
to see you, Bob.
Make yourself at home.
Excuse me.
How did they look, Bob?
You better check those hooves.
Some of them look
like they're infected.
I'll take care of them
right away, Bob. Thank you.
See you next month!
You bet.
Do you need help?
Do you need help?
Let us know right away.
You there, send in your letters.
We'll pray for you.
You got a problem?
We're gonna help you do that.
Take care of everything because
the word here tells us...
that we must help you.
But you got to help us
help you...
How are you feeling, child?
I'm so confused.
I don't even know
what I'm doing here.
I don't know whether I should
go back home or try and...
You need to get better
before you rush off anywhere.
Poor Bo...
Bo was the only person that l...
What is it, child?
Do you feel all alone
in this world?
None of us are
ever really alone.
You do have someone.
What do you mean?
Well, you have yourself.
Think about it.
You've been blessed, child.
Oh, the ways of the Lord
are mysterious.
The very fact that you're
sitting here with us...
proves that it was preordained.
Yeah.
I guess you're right.
Vincent, Ida...
I feel good here.
I don't know how I'm ever going
to thank you both enough...
for being so kind to me
and saving my life.
Oh, don't mention it, child.
That's right. That's all
that matters to us, child.
That you get better.
Now, you go to bed.
Good night, Vincent.
Sweet dreams.
Ida.
Another spot check, Bob?
I've had enough,
I've had enough
I've had it up to here, girl
I've had enough,
I've had enough
I'm up to here with you
I've had enough,
I've had enough
I've had it up to here, girl
I've had enough
I've suffered enough for you
And then you turned your back on
me and found another mother
I'm up to here with
You
Like a saint, I rose and...
Oh, man, this red's too heavy.
We better find a place to crash.
Mike, watch it!
Mike, what's wrong?
Hey, hey! Come on, man!
Hey, hey! What's that?
- What's that smell?
- What's going on?
Traps work out OK?
Yeah.
You know, I'm just
beginning to realize...
how important they are to me.
The bear traps?
How's that, Vincent?
No, no, no.
I mean the traps;
shooting out the tires...
chains stretched
across the highway,
and the way we had you lying
by the side of the road...
next to that old Chevy
we set on fire.
You know what I mean, the traps.
Oh, sure. But how come
they're so important to you?
Well, because they give me
a chance to be creative.
Oh. Sort of artistic?
Yeah.
And that way, the work
we're doing here...
will always be as special
as it is important.
Oh, I almost forgot,
I have a surprise for you.
Oh, goody. I love surprises.
Well...
that healed right nicely.
What?
What's that you say?
Come on, speak up!
You see, when your
vocal chords have been slit...
you've got to answer
real clearly...
if you expect anyone
to understand you.
Oh, no, no, no.
You just haven't got
the hang of it yet.
Now, don't worry, you will.
You'll catch on.
I know you will.
Well, start bringing them in.
Hey, what about my surprise.
You're right. Come over here.
OK.
Guess who?
Well, I give up.
Bob!
Good to see you.
When did you drop in?
Plant 'em.
And you wonder how
I keep my shape.
Ah, let's see what we got here.
Funny-looking critters,
ain't they, Vincent?
Yeah, maybe so.
But you know as well as I do...
it takes all kinds
of critters...
To make Farmer Vincent fritters!
This one.
It's like...
I've never really
tasted ham before.
It's true.
It's just impossible...
to go back to regular
smoked meats...
after you tried Vincent's.
You can't beat the flavor.
No wonder you're famous.
How come I never
heard of you before?
Well, Farmer Vincent's
meats are only distributed...
within a hundred mile radius.
That way, I can keep
the quality high...
and the cost reasonable.
So, how did you get started?
Well, in the old days,
we couldn't afford an icebox.
So Granny used to
smoke everything.
Chickens, rabbits, squirrels...
eels, even frogs.
If it didn't move fast enough...
Granny smoked it.
Well, we had this old dog, see,
and it used to bother Granny...
barking through her naps
and all that.
So one day she asked me
to shush it for her.
I shushed it, all right.
Yeah. He sure did.
He smoked that old dog
just like a hog.
That night Vincent
served it for dinner.
And Granny liked it so much...
she nearly ate
the whole pooch herself.
Oh, she was so grateful,
she taught Vincent...
all her smoking secrets.
She knew she was eating a dog?
Well, Granny never put
any distinctions...
on any of God's creatures.
She always used to say...
"Meat's meat,
and man's gotta eat."
She sure loved that old doggy.
Ew!
- Oh, it wasn't so bad.
- You tried it?
Sure. It was kind of like
goat meat, wasn't it, Vince?
Yeah, it's a little
more stringy.
Want to know why Vincent's meat
tastes so good?
- Why?
- What are you whispering?
She's telling me why
the meat tastes so good.
It's because he mixes
the pork with... ohh!
Because I mix the pork
with secret spices...
and Ida knows how important
that recipe is to me.
Yeah, let's take a walk.
OK.
I wouldn't have said
anything, you old fool!
Why did he hit her?
Oh, they like to tease
each other.
They're both a little...
different.
But they don't mean any harm.
So...
So... what?
So, you must be going
a little stir crazy...
up at that motel
with nothing to do.
Not at all.
It's been wonderful for me.
I never lived
in the country before.
I love it.
Oh...
You sound disappointed.
Oh, not at all.
I'm real glad.
I was just kind of
hoping you might want to...
go see the new movie
at the drive-in.
What is it?
It's "The Monster That
Challenged the World."
Sounds like fun.
Listen to 'em eat.
Ain't that a good sound, Ida?
Well, anything's better
than that damn hissing...
and wheezing.
Well, that's not
so much to complain about.
They're good animals.
Not like taking care
of chickens or hogs.
Cut out their tongues.
That would take care
of the hissing.
Hey, you could smoke
their tongues.
Well, I tried that.
Texture's all wrong.
Won't mix with the pork.
Hey, Vincent, I think this one
is just about ready.
Almost, but not quite.
Tomorrow he'll be
ready to become famous.
Hey, Vincent...
do you think in the years
to come...
people will appreciate us
for what we're doing here?
You do understand.
Well, of course I do, you dummy.
Do you think I'm doing
all this just for the fun?
Somebody's got to take
a little responsibility...
for the planet!
Ida, you sweetheart.
I'm sorry I underestimated you.
You better be.
Don't you just love
listening to the radio...
just enjoying all this
good music?
Oh, my gracious,
it's good to be with you.
We got one now
by Leroy Willie Washington,
and it's gonna really
turn you on.
He's there... he's right here
by your side.
Is this the drive-in?
Yep.
Not very funny, Bruce.
I think we better just
turn around and...
What the hell?
No wonder. Wrong tree.
Hold on a sec.
This is the Sheriff.
You are violating
the law and have...
exactly 2 minutes to clear out.
Now, move out, please.
Come on, move that Ford there.
Let's move it.
Let's go. Move it now. You, too!
You! Halt!
Now, get back in that vehicle...
before I make arrests.
Now, move your asses.
Move! Let's go.
Keep it moving, now.
Let's get that Vega
moving on, too.
I mean now. Let's go.
What was all that about?
You'll see.
There you go.
Now, look right down there.
All right!
- Yeah, Dixie?
- Moonlight drive-in.
- This is Bruce.
- Hi, Bruce.
Will you feed the sound
onto channel 22?
- Sure thing!
- Thanks.
Mommy!
Hey. This is great.
But how are you going to see?
1,500 bucks in 2 days.
That's what I call
a great weekend.
I wish that ski season
lasted all year.
Yeah, it was OK.
What's with you?
You know that instructor
I made it with for the lessons?
- The blonde?
- Yeah.
I think he had you-know-what...
Will you look at those
stupid cows!
I don't believe this.
Something's weird.
They look fake.
Is this some kind of a joke?
I don't dig the vibes here.
Why don't you just
drive around them.
I can't.
There's not enough room.
Come on. Move 'em, Debbie.
Just knock 'em over.
Are you gonna pay
for my bodywork?
Ah, shit, but you owe me
a big one.
Well, take the gun.
Forget it. You do it.
You chicken shit!
Let's get out of here.
No! No!
No!
Get help. Hear me?
Bruce...
Please don't.
OK?
Bruce! What are you...?
Somebody help me!
Somebody help me, please!
OK! All right.
I'm sorry.
I didn't say that.
You didn't?
No. And the movie just ended.
Dixie, this is Bruce.
Are you OK?
Yeah. But somebody's in trouble.
10-33. This is Sheriff Smith.
What's your 20?
Oh, no!
No!
What's your 20?
Do you copy?
What are you saying?
Talk in English!
Where are you?
What's wrong?
Somebody's trying to kill me!
Where are you?
Oh, no! I'm on Highway 52...
about 10 miles
outside of Grainville.
- Terry, check on that woman.
- How do I do it?
Press the button on the mike
and ask her where she is.
This is the Sheriff's car.
Where are you now?
I guess she can't hear us.
- Hey, look. I saw something.
- Where?
Up around that bend.
Nuts!
I'll get out and push.
Ok. Start slow.
Then when I yell, stand on it.
Ok. Stand on it!
Bruce?
There. That ought to hold it.
Nice work.
Aw, thanks, Vincent.
Poultice.
Who's that?
Brucey?
No. That ain't Bruce's car.
Did you turn on
the No Vacancy sign?
Whoops.
Well, I sure love you folks...
over there in Grainville...
listening to old Wolfman Jack.
Sure has been a pleasure
having you folks listen.
Here. Take a bite of that.
What is it?
Beef jerky. The best.
- Guess who owns this place?
- Roy Rogers.
No. Take a look at the label.
"Farmer Vincent."
Who the hell is that?
He makes the best meats
in the whole world.
I practically grew up on it.
Ugh! Really?
Well, that's just great, Guy.
What about the room?
I don't know.
There's nobody around.
Evening, folks.
Uh, we decided to retire
a little earlier tonight.
I can dig it.
"Early to bed, early to rise..."
Ha ha! If you get my meaning.
What can I do for you?
Well, uh, we'd like
a room for the night.
Come on inside. I'll fix you up.
Come on.
Hey, this place is cool,
isn't it?
Well, we can turn up
the heat if you like.
"Turn up the heat."
That's too... that's... what?
Are you sure this is
the right place?
- Trust me.
- Howdy.
Ma'am.
Well, you look like
a man who knows...
how to get down.
Are you all right, honey?
I'm fine. But we were trying
to find some woman...
who was yelling that somebody
was trying to kill her.
Hey, Vince, did you hear
a 10-33...
on your scanner
about half an hour ago?
No, I didn't.
But maybe it's because
I wasn't listening.
Hi, everybody.
When did the party start?
There ain't no party.
Bruce was just
asking me if we heard...
any 10-33s on the CB.
Did you hear anything?
Well, as a matter of fact,
I did.
Some kids making prank calls...
screaming murder,
and that kind of thing...
so the truckers and smokies
go on wild goose chases?
Damn. We'll have to
report it to...
the Federal Communications
Commission.
Well, I guess I'll be
heading home now.
If you hear those kids again...
you just give me a call.
Will do.
Good night, Bruce.
I had a real good time.
Thanks a lot.
Uh, yeah. Sure.
Hey, anytime you want
a little excitement...
you know where to find it.
Night, now.
Night.
Good night.
All right.
Look, now that smokey's gone,
do you mind filling us in
on the scene?
The what?
Come on. The action.
There must be some mis...
Uh! Vincent, look.
Here we are.
Oh! Yeah.
Is there anything wrong?
We just didn't expect
to make this issue.
Ain't this great, Vincent?
It sure is.
Uh, cabin 1...
Ida will show you the way.
You want us to register?
No, that won't be necessary.
Dig it.
What do you say
we meet in say, oh...
- 10 minutes.
- Yeah.
That'll be fine.
And why don't you
invite your daughter.
She's not my daughter.
Whatever.
This way, folks.
Oh, Vincent, don't forget
your stretching exercises.
"Stretching exercises"?
I told you!
Easy, Guy, easy.
We have...
Who sent in $1,000.
You know, we're all God's tools.
There's somebody
out there with $1,000...
Edie, where's my jelly?
Aren't you even gonna shave?
I always do.
Just go to your phone
and dial that number...
that you see running underneath
your television screen.
- Hey...
- Huh?
I wonder if they're
into animals.
I certainly hope so!
Oh! I can't take it
when you wiggle that weapon.
If you can't take it,
then I'll take you.
- Oh, Edie...
- Huh?
Warm me up.
Let's get greasy.
We do need this money
to continue the telecast.
Oh, that is...
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Fantastic. Wha...? What?
What? Oh!
We didn't even get a chance
to warm up, you know.
Oh, great. You're into bondage.
Come on in. We'll all get down.
Thank you.
You look good enough to eat.
I hope so!
Oh! Uh... listen...
do you want me to...
Tie me up, old man.
OK?
- Oh, I'll tie you up.
- All right. Tie me up, girl.
You do that pretty good.
What is this, dog style?
No, ma'am. Hog.
I'm just about ready
to throw in the towel.
Would you put your hands
behind your back, please?
Sure. Listen, you got
any pigs around here?
Nitrous oxide.
Sookie, sookie. Me first.
You take it easy, now.
There's enough for everybody.
Ok. Right.
Ok. Go for it.
Wow! Come on. Let's go!
Okey-dokey.
Listen, that doesn't
smell like laughing gas.
Ah, this is special
laughing gas.
What is that shit?!
What is it? Oh...
With this stuff...
you smell it and we
do the laughing.
All we have to do is give
to be happy.
Well, you're up
bright and early today.
I'm getting used to life
on the farm, I guess.
And you?
Well, today's my day
for planting alfalfa.
How would you like it
if someday I taught you...
the ancient art of meat-smoking?
I'd be honored.
Well, don't be too sure
about that.
Sometimes folks don't
have a stomach for it.
Well, don't worry about me.
Mine's cast-iron.
That's a good start.
It's beautiful.
Well... see ya later, honey.
OK.
What are you doing
in here, girl?!
You know what Vincent
would do if he caught you?
I shudder to think of it.
I'm sorry! I was just curious.
The door was open,
and Vincent said...
he was gonna teach me
how to smoke meats.
Ohh... he did?
Yeah. This morning.
Oh, well, I see.
That's... that's different then.
I just want to be
helpful to you, Ida.
Of course, you'll be
able to help out a lot.
That'll be nice.
What a day for tubin'.
"Tubin"'?
Yeah, tubin', my precious one.
Haven't you ever... tubed?
I'm not a very strong swimmer.
Oh, you don't have to be.
That's the beauty of it.
I don't know how to swim at all.
Are you sure?
All right. 1... 2... 3...
Ida, what's that noise?
My tube is leaking.
Hang on! Hang on!
I'll come and help you.
I... I can't swim.
Here. Grab on to my tube.
Ida!
Help! Help!
What are you doing, Vincent?
Vincent!
I'm so sorry about
what happened.
I was just so scared.
I hope you'll forgive me.
Yes, of course I do.
Then I feel better.
Well, I gotta go
tidy up a bit...
and I'll just leave you 2...
alone.
You saved me.
I can't tell you
what a horrible feeling it is...
to be pulled down under
by somebody.
Oh, you poor thing.
Let's not talk about it anymore.
It's over.
You feeling better now?
Yeah.
Thanks to you.
Vincent?
Kiss me.
Not like that!
Vincent... take me.
That's indecent. Cover yourself.
What's the matter?
We should be married first.
Are you proposing to me?
Vincent, I think I'd like
to be alone for a little while.
I know.
I'll... I'll leave you be.
Glory, glory, glory!
I'm talking in tongues,
I'm just so happy for you.
God bless you, Vincent.
Listen, we're going to
take care of everything.
We'll have it all done
by tomorrow...
and it's going to be
a happy day.
So you don't worry
about anything now.
Thank you, Reverend.
Thank you.
I believe I'm gonna
have a glory fit.
Glory, glory...
Congratulations, Sheriff!
What for?
- Surely you must know.
- Uh-uh.
Vincent's getting married.
- What?
- That's right.
He told me to order a service
for him tomorrow.
I don't believe it!
Who's he getting married to?
Sheriff, is that a lewd magazine
you have in your car there?
Oh, uh... that?
I confiscated it
from one of the kids.
Sheriff, please give it to me
so I can properly destroy it.
Oh, uh... sure.
Here you go.
Say, who's gonna be
Vincent's bride anyway?
Oh, that poor thing
that he rescued...
from the motorcycle accident.
That's impossible.
Well, the Lord's ways
are sometimes mysterious.
I'll say. See you later.
She wouldn't marry
an old goat like that...
unless he put a gun
to her head.
I bet that's it.
I bet the old geezer finally
flipped out.
Oh, my god.
Oh, glory!
Hi, Brucey!
You're sick, you know that?
Both of you!
Terry!
Terry, where are you?
She's taking a bath, Brucey.
We'll see about that.
I don't have a warrant,
but you try and stop me!
What the heck?
Terry!
Bruce, what are you doing?
- You're all right!
- Of course I'm all right.
Is it?
Are you and Vincent...
Yeah! We're getting married
tomorrow afternoon.
I don't believe it!
You mean he's not forcing you?
Forcing me?
- I love Vincent.
- Oh, you're sick.
I am not sick!
Well, what about us?
I'm madly in love with you!
You can't marry Vincent!
Bruce, will you listen to me!
I love Vincent,
and he's gonna be my old man!
Get it?
You can't marry him.
The law won't allow it!
- He's insane!
- He is not.
Oh...
Didn't he tell you?
He's got syphilis of the brain!
That's right!
He's not normal at all...
and he's dumb, yeah...
and his pecker
don't work either!
Boy, are you going
to be disappointed...
when he gets out
of those overalls...
on his wedding night...
and there's this
shriveled-up prune!
I think you better leave
before Vincent comes back.
Let him come back!
You think I'm scared of him?
What's the matter?
Oh, hi, Vince.
Pretty good joke, huh?
Huh?
Oh, come on, Vince.
Better put that down.
You know, accidents do happen.
If there weren't
a lady present...
you might not be alive
right now.
Well, don't be such a...
Well, I'm sorry to see that
you're taking this so hard.
You're gonna regret that,
Vincent.
Don't forget...
I'm the law around here!
Oh, no, Vince! Oh! Don't!
I have a little surprise
for you.
What is it?
Just a little something.
- It's so beautiful...
- Here, here.
Only the best
for my little girl.
All right!
A party! Champagne! Great!
Thank you.
Well...
here's to Terry,
my bride-to-be...
and the sweetest
little creature...
since sugar-cured ham.
And... me?
Well, what for?
For the hell of it.
All right!
Here's to my little sister Ida,
for the hell of it!
Kind of tickles the tummy,
doesn't it?
- Can I have a kiss?
- Yeah.
Oh. Excuse me.
Thank you, Ida.
Are you nervous?
Yeah, I am a little bit.
Well, drink up, girl.
That's what it's there for.
You're right!
- I love champagne.
- It's good.
She's out.
Let's go to work.
You think they deserve it?
Ida, what does
the good book say?
I know: "Do unto others...
as ye would have others
do unto ye," right?
Right.
And no animal should ever suffer
any unnecessary pain.
There, there now.
None of that.
I have a treat for you.
I had a feeling you boys
could get behind this.
Now... as you check out
the swirling colors...
notice how your heads become
more and more mellow.
Each word I say will take you
farther and farther...
into a radical hypno high!
Heavier, but smoother than
any trip you've ever had.
You boys know about
astral projection?
All right now, by the time
I count to 10...
we're going to project you
beyond Mars!
We're going to send you
to a place...
where people are so far out,
they have wings!
All right, here we go.
10...
9...
8...
Copilot Ida, put the space belts
on our passengers.
Aye aye, Captain Vincent!
Space belts in place, Captain.
7...
6...
5...
Copilot Ida...
secure the hatches
and prepare for takeoff.
Aye aye!
4...
3...
Ready for takeoff!
2...
1...
Takeoff!
Well done.
Oh, sometimes I wonder about...
the karmic implications of
these acts.
I can no more take credit
for the good...
we've done here tonight
than if...
if that great pilot
in the sky...
had blessed each of them...
with a bolt of lightning
through their hearts.
Of course.
Your spaceship awaits you,
Captain.
Oh, yeah.
Strip 'em down and clean 'em up.
Okey-dokey.
Terry?
Oh, Bruce, what are you
doing here?
Don't worry about me.
You're the one who's in danger!
What are you talking about?
I think Vincent may be
planning to kill you!
Oh, Bruce, I can't believe
you're trying...
to pull that number on me again.
No, please!
Look, I did some detective work.
You won't believe some of
the things I found out!
You gotta listen to me!
What the hell's the matter
with you?
I'm just hungry, that's all.
Hey, could I slice off
a piece of...
No, damn it!
You know we're short...
and I'm not going to smoke
any more than these 3 tonight.
All right.
I can't help it!
Well, then go get something
to eat, but make it snappy.
Okey-dokey. I'll be right back.
Terry, come on! Hurry up!
They'll be back soon!
I found some of
Vincent's shotgun shells...
right near where
you had your accident.
So what?
He always goes duck hunting
around there.
Hold out your hand.
I dug those out of the front
tire of your motorcycle.
Are you trying to tell me
that he shot us?
Yeah, I am trying...
and that's not all.
Wait till you hear what I
found in the marsh.
What?
Oh, only about 200 cars
he ambushed...
and sunk in there.
- Come on, let's go.
- I'll be there in a minute.
Terry, what the hell
are you doing?
I'm not going to wait
any longer.
What are you...?
It's time for your lesson.
We're gonna teach you the finer
points of meat-smoking.
Go!
I guess we better
explain everything to her...
so she can give us a hand.
The sooner we pack
all this up...
the sooner we can all
get to bed.
Right?
Let her go.
Look at me.
Look at me, I said.
Now...
what do you see?
Get the hell out of here...
and get Bruce and bring him
back here right now!
Okey-dokey.
What are you doing here, huh?
Do you need some water?
Come on, my beauties.
That's right.
Oh, come on, girl.
Haven't you ever cleaned a fish?
There's nothing cruel...
in what I'm doing here.
I treat most of my stock...
better than farmers
treat their animals.
I don't feed them
chemicals or hormones.
And when you consider
the way the world is today...
there's no question
that I'm doing...
a lot of them a big favor.
What right do you
have to play God?
I'm not trying to play God.
I wouldn't even know
how to begin.
I'm just helping out.
There's too many people
in the world...
and not enough food.
Now, this takes care
of both problems...
at the same time.
But humans?
Human flesh?
How could you do it?
What are you talking about?
Hell, half the people
in this county...
have been eating human flesh...
that I have smoked
for over 30 years...
and loving it.
You, yourself, said that
my ham was like...
nothing you'd ever
tasted before.
I wish I could
have introduced you...
into my private world
in my own way.
But, oh, no.
Little brother had to
interfere, didn't he?
He's a fool!
And he's the biggest cannibal
in the whole county.
Did you know that?
The biggest cannibal
in the whole county.
Where the hell is she?
Probably stuffing
her face again.
Well...
I better finish these,
or I'll be up all night.
It's locked...
from the outside.
Well, I guess Ida was right.
She told me you'd never fit in.
I'm very sorry, Terry.
Terry?
Terry?
Vincent?
Bruce!
Bruce! Help me, please!
Bruce, get me out of here!
Bruce!
Bruce! Help me!
Please!
Vincent?
Bruce!
Help!
Terry!
There you go.
Vincent.
Oh, Lord!
You can have the...
the motel...
and the garden.
What garden?
The secret garden...
at the end of the... dirt road.
And my animals.
You take care of my animals.
What's he talking about?
I'll take care of them, Vince.
My whole life...
my whole life has...
been a lie.
I'm the biggest hypocrite...
of them all.
What do you mean?
My...
my meats...
I...
I used...
preservatives.
Did you see what he was doing?
I saw.
I was brought up here, you know.
Now I'm kind of glad...
I ran away from home
when I was 11.
I guess there's gonna have to
be some kind of investigation.
Why don't you just burn
the place?
Burn it?
You mean arson?
I don't know.
That's what I'd do.
It's an evil motel.