Mother, Jugs & Speed (1976) Movie Script
1
I don't have to tell you people
times are tough.
You read the papers.
The country's going to hell.
Now, you take inflation,
recession, welfare...
There's nothing
we can do about that.
But thanks to muggings,
malnutrition...
assassination, and disease...
we got a chance to make a buck.
I can see
that some of you men...
must be shocked by that statement...
but I didn't write
the rules of life myself.
No, sir.
Mother, please!
The cripple, the junkie...
the wounded, and the dying...
Society calls them all
worthless...
but they're not worthless...
not to us.
To us, each one
is worth $42.50...
plus 50 cents a mile...
and let's not forget it.
Goddamn it, Mother!
When it comes to realizing
that people in distress...
will jump into the first rig
that shows up...
well, that's when the drive
and the enthusiasm of you men...
will make the difference.
But there's another
group out there, men.
Code 3 at 1442 Wade Avenue.
Keep it in your pants, Bliss.
I'm not through.
But there's another
group out there, men...
and I will not dignify
the Unity Ambulance Company...
by mentioning its name...
but they want our territory...
our sick, your jobs.
But we're not gonna let them
do it to us, are we, men?
You bet we're not.
No, sir.
Excuse me, Mr. Fishbine.
We have a code 3 at 1442 Wade Avenue,
a woman in labor.
Thank you, Jennifer.
A woman in labor.
What could be
more eloquent than that?
Well, it looks like life
has its own little ways...
of summing up the situation,
doesn't it, men?
Gentlemen...
the F&B Ambulance Company
is rolling!
Show business.
Go.
Hold it.
- Go.
- Thank you.
Ha ha!
Ugh!
Come on back!
Come on!
Get her back here in the ring.
Bring her up here.
Bring her up here!
Let me get my hands...
You know...
I always pictured lady wrestlers...
as a bunch of flabby slobs
and dykes...
but you're really
a fine-looking, delicate girl.
Up you.
Uh, you get a charge
out of sirens?
I can have him turn the sirens on
for you if you want.
Anything, as long
as it drowns you out.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, now you just
rest comfortably there.
I don't want any jerky motions...
or anything like that, you know.
I think you got some trouble...
down here in your coccygeal joint.
Hey!
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
I've had two years' training
helping people.
And I've had six years learning
how to beat the shit out of them.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Put your hand
on my coccygeal joint again...
and I swear to God,
I'll pull yours off.
OK. OK.Jesus Christ!
Unit One?
Unit One.
We're a 10-9 at East Horizon.
We've got a code 3 at a bar and grill,
62 Wynwood Avenue.
Can you handle?
Hang in there, Jugs.
We'll get right back to you.
Roger, One.
Show business.
Driver, outside:
Hello?
Hello.
Hi.
Lady, we're gonna need a name.
Name?
Crocker.
Miss Crocker, have you notified
the fire department yet?
I don't want the fire department.
You're a private service,
aren't you?
Yes, but we, uh...
Well, then get him out of here.
I've got the money.
I'll pay.
I don't think you get the point.
See, we can't take him
away from here...
until he's been pronounced dead.
Officially, that is.
Oh.
Are you insane?
Look at him.
Oh, yeah.
I can see that he's stiff.
But, you see,
according to the law...
he's still officially alive...
until the fire department...
or someone with
a sheepskin on the wall...
comes in and says no.
Which means that someone else
is gonna have to know about this.
Now, you want us to handle it?
Swell.
Unit One.
Uh, we got a D.B. here
at East Horizon...
Cowboy.
Call the fire and the sheriff.
Has anyone rolled
on that code 3 yet?
Negative, One.
We're still waiting on you.
Yeah. OK.
Well, give us
a couple minutes head start...
and then call in the troops.
We'll try and get back in time.
Harry says
don't get caught, Mother.
Harry says to play it cool.
Tell Harry...
Davey.
Yo, Mother.
How's it going?
What you got?
A female alcoholic.
According to the bartender...
she was sucking
on her fourth double...
and dropped over like a rock.
- Uh-huh.
- Dead.
Yeah, well, I didn't figure
you guys were suffocating her.
Got a dead swimmer.
Let's go. We're running late.
- Uh, Mother.
- Yes, sir.
Ahem.
Let's see what I got here.
There you are.
Uh, no. 3's not gonna be enough.
I'm gonna have to have a fin.
A fin. Look.
We're probably gonna have to
collect this fee from the state.
They don't pay no more than $30.
I'm not used to
shucking out more than 10%.
Mother, don't you read
about the cost of living?
It's rising while we stand here.
Now I could've called
the guys from Unity.
Unity. Yes, yes.
Thank you, Mother.
Harvey, we've just corrupted
the finest driver in the county.
Ok. We're dealing.
Check and raise. Come on.
Hell, yes, check and raise.
Come on. Deal the cards.
You don't sandbag, hon.
You ain't traveling fast enough
for this kind of company.
Beautiful.
I don't want any of that.
Watch it, Anna.
Sorry I'm late, girls.
It's late,
but you gonna get her money.
Ooh, we're gonna
get her money tonight.
Yeah, yeah.
Whoops.
Whoa. Whoa! Aaaah!
Helen, are you all right, dear?
You know what to do.
Don't waste a hernia, Albert.
That's our stiff.
Like hell.
Read it and weep.
We were here 20 minutes ago.
Hey, Phil.
We called you guys in on this.
Mother, you know better than to
run off like that from a junkie's place.
I'm not a junkie.
Sure. You've just been doing
needlepoint without your glasses on.
I see it all the time.
You gonna put cuffs on her?
No physical evidence.
That's why you
don't get this body.
I figure she got rid of it
after you ran off.
Pardon me, son.
Ahh.
She stuck this up underneath
the frame for safekeeping.
You know, this gum
is really diabolical.
I mean, two sticks
will hold that kit up.
You can imagine
what it'll do to your teeth.
You bastard.
He's all yours, Mother.
Thank you.
Hey, man.
You can't do that.
You guys jumped their call.
They already got another body
in their rig.
That's illegal.
Just common sense.
I mean, how can you
get the stiff downtown...
and you got two flat tires?
Have mercy.
I thought you'd never get here.
Huh. What took you so long?
Helen, they're here.
Right this way.
Ohh. Wooh.
OK. Take her over.
There you go.
- Go around?
- Around.
Right in here, honey.
Right in here.
All right.
You gonna be all right.
You all right, honey?
Yes. She's gonna be.
What happened?
Her hip is busted is what it is.
Oh. Has a doctor
taken a look at this, ma'am?
Honey, if the doctors won't make
house calls in Beverly Hills...
just who do you think
I'm gonna find to come down here?
Ain't that the truth?
Would you excuse me, please?
We're gonna move her
over on this board.
Thank you.
Just a little
over that way, please.
There you go.
Ok. Walker?
Yeah.
Now we're gonna have to
move you on this board...
so you just try to
cooperate and relax, OK?
- You ready?
- Yep.
Ready.
Mmh.
Uh. Ah...
All right. Let's go.
1, 2, 3...
go!
Mmph!
Uh, now, if you could just...
Maybe if you could roll over
this way just a little bit...
Would you roll over?
It would be a big help.
Watch the arm.
All right now.
Easy, easy.
It's all right.
Easy. Easy now.
Uh... sorry.
All right now.
Would you just move,
just a little bit, please?
Could you pull that chair out?
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right?
You got it?
Goddamn.
Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Just like I got her here.
I can't believe this.
Jesus.
Ready?
Jesus Christ.
All right.
Hold it, hold it.
Wait a minute.
Come on.
You need some help?
Would you?
Yes. Could you?
Would you mind going over there?
And if you could
get on the other side...
and when I say 1, 2, 3,
we all lift at the same time.
Ok. Ready?
1, 2...
3... up!
Here we go.
Christ!
Her head's in my crotch!
OK. OK?
All right. You all right?
Come on.
Don't drop her, for Christ's sake.
Oh, here we go. Here.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Here we go. All righty.
Down. Going down.
Wait a minute.
My fingers. My fingers.
Pull it up on this...
Yeah. All right?
All right? OK.
That'll be $42.50
and 50 cents a mile.
You get Helen downstairs, honey, and
I'll pay you when she's all loaded in.
Ohh.
- OK?
- No!
All right now.
1, 2, 3... up!
Oh! God!
OK. Get around that corner.
Ohh. Oh.
This OK? Relax.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah.
Ooh! Agh!
Take it easy, boy. Ohh!
OK. OK.
Well, let me get around,
will you?
You got her, Walker?
Yeah!
Look out!
Waaah! Look out!
Oh, my God.
Waaaaaaah!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Aaaah!
Aaaaaaah!
Aaaaaaaah!
No, no, no, no, no!
Ahh! Aaaaaah!
Aaaaah!
I think y'all
just blew that $42.50, baby.
Ow! Jesus H. Christ!
What's the matter? I never touched you.
What's the matter?
There's something
biting me down here!
That's what's the matter!
Get me out of here!
Come on! Get out!
Pull yourself out, will you?
I can't!
Would you call an ambulance?
I had a friend of mine
that smoked dope.
He set his whole house on fire.
And then by the time
he finished smoking that stuff...
he just about coughed himself
to death trying to get high.
Never did understand.
Nothing wrong with a good drink.
On top of that,
you look nasty when you do it.
No. No, thank you.
Help you sleep.
No. I've been asleep for an hour.
Uh-oh.
It's infallible.
I don't care what time
of day or night we pass this way.
Why does the Lord
tempt me this way?
Look, Mother.
Now, Harry promised
the head sister...
you wouldn't do
that stuff anymore.
I can't help myself.
I'm crazed.
Ha ha ha!
- You're a mean man.
- Yes.
You know, come judgment day,
those ladies...
are gonna boot your ass
right back through the pearly gates.
Are you kidding me?
They love it.
Takes the place of sex.
Ha ha ha!
Have to dignify myself...
by calling you for a lousy $24.30.
This is no collection agency,
you know.
This happens to be the owner.
I am the head of F&B.
That's right.
I shouldn't have anybody calling,
but I'm doing you this service.
I'm showing you the decency
of getting you on the phone personally.
That's the way I like to do things...
personally, one-to-one.
So if you come down here,
I'll punch you right in the mouth.
Don't give me that lip.
We were nice enough...
We were nice...
Mike, we were nice enough to
pay your bills, and there were a lot.
I am talking...
Shouldn't be
too much longer now.
I am talking to you
like a gentleman...
Hey, Jugs. Ha.
It's your lucky day, Jugs.
I took a rock producer
with kidney stones...
down to Cedars last night...
and guess what he gave me.
Here, well, take a look.
Look. Huh?
I've seen kidney stones before.
Ha ha ha!
No. It's two tickets to
the Cat Stevens concert tonight.
Now come on.
What do you say, Jugs?
Please stop calling me that,
Murdoch.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I try. I really try hard.
But every time I see
those headlights of yours...
Or honey, either.
My name is Jennifer...
and headlights
are found on automobiles.
Oh. OK.Jennifer.
Now will you come?
No.
All right.
I hope you have
a cold shower around here.
Excuse me?
I said, I hope you have
a cold shower around here.
I'm afraid I don't understand.
F&B.
Morning, Jugs.
Good morning, Mother.
Mr. Fishbine?
Mr. Speck on two, sir.
You know,
if I was 20 years younger...
I'd only be 3.
Mr. Fishbine wants to see you.
He's on the phone.
So the least you could do...
I happen to have the finest staff
of crack drivers in the city down here.
I mean, the name of F&B
has been a goddamn hallmark of...
Excellence.
Hallmark of excellence in this town.
- We care enough to send the very best.
- We care enough to send...
Anyway, if one of my drivers...
happens to fall through
your staircase and gets rabies...
that's your responsibility.
What do you landlords
use down there, anyway, balsa?
I'll see you in court, fella.
How do you fall through
a staircase and get rabies?
I don't know.
That pinhead Walker.
He gets bit by a rat last night.
You think that's funny?
He may die from it.
What, the rat?
Now look, Mother, I'm gonna
make this short and sweet.
So far this morning,
I got 3 lawsuits hanging over me...
I got a driver
in the hospital with rabies...
and there's a city council
meeting only a week away.
So the last thing in the world
I need for you...
is to give me extra schmutz.
I don't follow.
Were you out
buzzing the nuns last night?
They eat it up,
Harry, believe me.
Please leave those sisters alone.
It was bad enough with
the mother superior bugging me.
Now I got the goddamn
monsignor up my ass.
- Can I say something?
- No!
A Mr. Moran is here, sir.
Moran?
Some candy. Take it.
It's good for you.
Thank you.
Hi, Mother, you old mother.
How are you?
Whiplash!
You're a little
too classy for that.
Yeah. That's strictly
caveman material.
Yes.
Anyway, Harry, what you got?
I got two possibles.
Got a lady wrestler
with a broken hip.
Uh-huh.
You ought to be able to prove
negligence on the part of the arena.
She's in Hollywood Presbyterian,
room 282.
Presbyterian.
We'll give her a shot
of the good old moral outrage.
I'll sign her up
and get back to you.
Next.
Mrs. Natasha Gurdin...
413 Eli.
She got her hand caught
in a garbage disposal.
Faulty installation.
Ha ha ha!
Yeah, but it was
her writing hand, Whiplash...
so you just stick the pen
in her teeth.
Aren't you supposed
to be driving around...
and pulling old ladies
out of trees or something?
Yeah, as soon as I get my $5.00.
What $5.00?
$5.00 I had to pay out
for that stiff swimmer...
in the city bar last night.
$5.00?
Yes. It used to be 3.
What kind of a goddamn world
is this coming to, anyway...
when everybody's a goddamn crook?
Harry, I think you could
stand the competition.
Oh, now look, sweetheart.
Between your beers and tapes
and all the other goddamn things...
that no self-respecting ambulance
company would let you get away with...
That's why I like working for you...
because you have no self-respect.
Oh, yeah?
Why don't you try running a company
with your nuts in a vise 24 hours a day?
And I just might do that just to
watch that vise slam shut on you...
when I quit.
Oh, dream on, sweetheart.
Dream on.
You need money to run a company,
your own money...
and you wouldn't fork over a...
To watch you go to jail,
I would.
Now this guy's outside
waiting for you.
I eyeballed him on the way in.
He's either a cop or a crook.
Well, from what this paper says,
I think he's both.
He's a veteran, goddamn it...
and we owe these people
a debt we can never repay.
Yes. You owe everybody
a debt you can never repay.
Yes?
You may go in now.
Thanks.
He's right inside, Officer...
but I doubt if
he'll go peacefully.
I got to hand it to you,
Whiplash.
You nailed him.
Just say I have a kind of
a sixth sense about people.
Either that or a big nose.
I'd say you had enough legal
difficulties, young man...
without adding slander to it.
That's an actionable statement
under US Code 9-53.
But only if you don't commit a 12-37
while taking that action.
I never heard of a 12-37.
You never heard of the number
you gave him.
What did he do, anyway?
I don't know.
I couldn't see anything
but the top of the paper.
But don't worry, Jugs.
If it's rape,
I'll get you a whistle.
Johnson, Arthur, huh?
Malditesta, Anthony.
Uh, Malditesta, Anthony.
Right.
So you're the cop, huh?
The ex-cop.
Well, your medical
and driving qualifications seem OK.
I drove an ambulance in Vietnam
for 3 years.
No kidding.
Take a seat, kid.
Grab a seat, any seat.
Come on. Sit down.
You know something?
It really used to piss me off...
the way all
the freaks back here...
downgraded all the young men,
the young men like you...
who went off
and served their country.
I thought the war
was stupid and immoral.
I hated every minute I was there.
Yeah?
Yeah. Well, there's two schools
of thought on that, right?
Anyway, I'm glad you got here
at the right time.
One of my drivers
broke his leg last night.
You can start filling in
for him right away.
I-I wasn't prepared
to start now.
Atta boy, tiger.
You're gonna be working
with a man named Murdoch.
OK.
Ahh!
Now...
Oh, yeah, one more thing.
This report from the police commission
said you sold drugs... cocaine.
Actually, it says I was
accused of selling drugs.
Whatever.
The investigation's still pending.
I know, but I also know that
when cops go after other cops...
they sometimes have a habit of, uh,
pissing milk on each other.
- You know what I mean?
- I've heard that.
I've never actually
seen it happen, of course.
Uh-huh. What I'm trying to say is,
I assume you're clean now.
I never used drugs.
Oh, I believe you and all that.
But why don't you
roll up your sleeves for me, huh?
You don't usually shoot cocaine.
You snort it.
But I'd be very happy
to blow my nose for you.
I'm just testing you.
Now look, Tony.
I hope you don't think
this job's gonna be all glory.
I know you're used to
a good-looking uniform and a flashy rig...
but it takes more than that.
It takes guts, compassion, and
elbow grease to finally make the grade.
You can't expect to turn
into an overnight, uh...
Overnight, uh...
Florence Nightingale?
Now, I'd go easy on a joke
like that around here.
I mean, a nice-looking fella
like yourself...
a remark like that
could be misunderstood...
especially by a guy like Murdoch
with an all-day heat on.
Oh, he won't be a problem.
We've already met.
Well, good.
He's taking me to the Cat Stevens
concert Saturday night.
Ha!
You got a hell
of a sense of humor.
You're gonna need it on this job...
so you just work hard,
work hard, and...
- Keep my nose clean?
- That-a boy.
Ha ha ha! Oh, boy.
I'd love to give her
a shot some night, man.
Murdoch, we're all
gonna chip in one day...
and buy you something
that won't fight back...
like a quadruple amputee.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, great backgammon god...
this is Mother talking to you.
I need you now more than ever.
Show me a sign of recognition.
Ha! Double 4. Double 4.
Leroy, I've just
stepped on your manhood.
Hey! How you doing?
Turn that machine off, will you?
Huh?
Turn the machine off!
We met briefly outside.
I'm the Brown Hornet.
This is my swarthy
Filipino sidekick, Kato.
Leroy Watkins.
What do you say, man?
Hi. That's, uh, Rodeo
and Bliss and Murdoch.
Tony Malditesta.
Hey, that's headache in Italian.
Well, luckily for you,
you're just about Walker's size...
so you can wear one of his uniforms
until one of our tailors...
Uh, Mr. Vernet of Inglewood...
comes in and fits you properly.
Uh, which locker's his?
112, right over there.
Right.
5 letters. He wrote something
called Look Homeward, Angel.
Wolfe.
Wolf.
Wolf has 4 letters, pea brain.
Thomas Wolfe,
with a silent " E" on the end.
If you've read Bambi,
you're one up in this room.
That was a great flick.
The part I remember most...
Bambi's mother had great tits.
Roll, loser.
Be a credit to your race.
I think I'm supposed
to be driving with you.
That right?
What kind of rating you got?
Uh, EMT-2.
Hey, Bliss, he outranks you, man.
Ratings mean very little to me.
I'm just doing this for a brief period
of time before medical school.
The trick is
to try every related job once...
find out what it's all about,
and then move on.
Hey, Jugs!
OK, gentlemen.
We have a code 2, 1324 Mariposa.
Mr. Klein.
Mother.
Murdoch, you got it.
Oh, come on, Mother.
I took him down the last time.
Last time?
What is he, a hypochondriac?
Worse. He's a grunt.
It's a senior citizen to you.
Roll, will you?
You roll, too!
Ok. Come on, Malditesta.
Hey, Jugs!
Wait a minute.
It's my roll. I quit.
You gonna be childish about it?
Thank you for coming so quickly.
He's over there.
Yes, Mrs. Klein.
I know, Mrs. Klein.
I've been here before.
He's had another relapse.
Yes. I've been here before.
Yes. OK.
You get the bedclothes.
I'll take care of this.
Oh, jeez.
Phew.
Ooh!
Oh!
He's a sick man.
What are you,
too good for sick people?
Get away then. I'll put him on myself.
I'll put him on myself.
No, no. I... I...
I'll put him...
I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm really very sorry, Mrs. Klein.
It's OK.
Why do you have to do this...
every time I come, Mr. Klein, huh?
Come on.
Very careful.
This old grunt's worth a dozen trips
to the hospital every month.
They keep telling him he's getting
better and shipping him back...
but they...
they all know he's dying.
I bet you his old lady's reading over
that insurance policy right now.
As soon as we drop him off,
we'll go get a hamburger some place. OK?
Murdoch, I think he's dead.
What?
He's dead.
Oh, man.
How about that?
Jesus!
I hope his old lady
doesn't try to pin it on us.
Well, it's her own fault anyway.
She should have made the call a code 3.
Right?
Twins. 13 years old. Got it?
So I told them, why don't you both put
out for me, and I'll pretend you're 26?
- Ha ha ha! You got it?
- I got it.
Yeah.
Tell me, Murdoch, um...
Jugs... you must have
nailed her, right?
I, uh...
What?
I, well, no, not exactly. No.
Uh, yeah, she takes off
5 nights a week.
Nobody knows where she goes.
Nobody ever comes
to pick her up.
Uh...
- I think she's a lesbian, myself.
- Why's that?
Well, this may sound a little fatheaded,
but I rushed her pretty good.
You know what I mean?
And, uh, nada. Ha ha!
At first, I thought she was trying to
play hard to get, but then I realized...
If she didn't dig
a really dynamite guy like yourself...
she's probably not interested
in men in general, huh?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, something like that.
Yeah.
If you want to make small talk,
I don't have the time.
If you want a date,
the answer's no.
Excuse me.
I wanted a W-4 form to fill out.
Oh! Ha!
But you seem to be
so hung up on yourself...
it's a little difficult
to talk to you.
Thanks for the instant analysis.
That's all you give people time for.
Sniffing around Jugs, huh?
Hell, don't blame the boy for that.
I wouldn't mind wandering
through that melon field myself.
Ha ha ha!
Here. Pick one.
Cost you $5.00.
- What for?
- It's kind of a pool.
A lottery on how many stiffs
we bring in by midnight.
Say you pick number 9.
We bring exactly 9 bodies by midnight,
you won yourself 20 bucks.
That simple, huh?
Count me out.
We don't kill the people.
We just bet on them.
You seem to be a touch bashful
for a guy who used his badge...
to sell speed to little kids.
Wait a minute.
What speed? What little kids?
No little kids.
And it wasn't speed; it was coke.
Speed. Coke.
Hell, what's the difference?
Speed's an hallucinogen.
Eh, blow it out your ass, Bliss.
- I was acting on orders.
- From whom?
Al Capone.
What the hell are you doing
down here, driving with me?
I don't really know!
You better not fool around with him.
He knows Al Capone.
Who the hell is Al Capone?
Uh, some sissy.
No. No.
I have never cheated you,
and I'm not about to now.
Uh, now look, uh...
don't you call me a shyster.
If anybody's a shyster...
I'd just like a drink of water.
I won't even look this time.
I promise.
You can't get offended
if I don't even look.
Are you feeling all right?
Oh, hi.
I'm Naomi Fishbine.
You must be the new driver.
My Harry said you had
an odd sense of humor.
I'm... I'm... I'm very sorry.
I thought you were, uh, Jennifer.
Jennifer. I know, yes.
Well, she just left.
I usually take over for her
on the late shift.
Hello? Hello? Moran?
Isn't it exciting to be
part of a growing company?
Damn it!
Uh, Peaches, would you see if you could
reconnect me with Mr. Moran, huh?
Of course, doughnut.
How's it going, tiger?
Fine.
Moran, you back?
Yeah, right.
Thank you.
Enjoy.
Good evening.
Be with you in a minute.
People aren't meant
to celebrate alone.
But what I'm celebrating
I did alone.
Oh, uh, by the way...
thanks for filling Mother in
on the intimate details of my past.
As a matter of fact,
he was the one who filled me in.
Uh, he didn't mean anything by it.
He was just being protective,
just being Mother.
Oh, I understand.
Decent people can't be too careful
working around a convicted criminal.
Oh, I didn't think you'd been
convicted of anything, just accused.
I've been waiting for someone
to notice the difference.
Sit down, why don't you?
I don't mind.
What's your pleasure?
Cutty and water.
Uh...
will they decide
on your case soon?
Any year now.
It seems a strange time to, uh,
pick a new career for yourself.
You don't get paid
while you're on suspension.
This is the only other thing I'm
qualified for... human garbage collector.
Excuse me.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
I wouldn't say that around Mother.
He's easily offended, you know.
- Oh?
- Mm-mmm.
Yeah, you can tell
he's a very sensitive guy.
Cheers.
Hey, Mother's all right.
He's the best of them.
I trust him, and I like him.
Even though he calls you Jugs,
like the others?
Tsk. Well...
That name really seems
to upset you.
Well, your name is Malditesta.
How would you like
to be called Testes?
Come on, now.
That's not the same thing.
Mmm!
You know, they talk a lot
about you, the drivers...
Where you go at night,
what you do.
Murdoch thinks you're a lesbian.
I swear.
Murdoch couldn't get laid
in a whorehouse...
with a hundred-dollar bill
sticking out of his ear.
Now, that's where you go
after work, huh?
I knew we'd find out her real job
sooner or later.
Leave it alone, Murdoch.
Hey, come on, man.
We got a code 3. We're rolling.
We got to go to the university.
Oh, come on, Speed.
Somebody could be dying.
Good night. Come again.
Oh!
Hey, hey, hey!
I'll tell you when you can drive.
It took you long enough.
What happened?
Uh...
Seconal.
How many?
I can't tell. A whole lot.
A Dr. Sims will be waiting for her
at Angel of Mercy in Brentwood.
We'll meet you there.
Oh, well, uh, the medical center's
only two blocks away, sir.
She needs her stomach pumped.
OK.
- Mercy doesn't have an emergency room.
- Are you a doctor?
No, but I'm telling you,
she needs her stomach pumped.
Then do as you're told, damn it.
Uh, will you be taking
care of this bill, sir?
What is it?
That'll be $65.
Thank you.
OK. Let's move her out.
Excuse me, miss.
Excuse me, miss.
Thank you very much.
Watch your feet, ladies, please.
Watch your toes.
You wanted to drive, Speed?
OK.
You take the wheel.
Should I call ahead
to the hospital?
Murdoch!
What are you doing, man?
What the hell are you doing?
Get out.
Jesus! A move like that
could ruin my life.
- Get out!
- Eat shit!
Jesus Chri...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- You're not a cop anymore, you know.
- You don't have to be to call one.
Go ahead and call one. She's in
no condition to identify anybody.
Hey, wait a minute.
Everybody knows I drive this rig.
- That puts you in the back with her!
- Get in there!
Jesus!
You want something?
Ha ha ha!
Ah! Ha ha ha!
So where's the mayo?
On the side.
You should put it on the burger.
That way you wouldn't
waste the paper plates.
I lied 4 times in my life.
I stole apples when I was a kid.
I cheated on my wife once.
I even prayed for
the death of my in-laws.
All these things,
God will forgive me.
But putting mayonnaise
on a cheeseburger...
with peanut butter and onions...
is a sin you alone
will have to be responsible for.
I see the people next door
are up to 17 billion.
You must be letting
the occasional customer slip by.
Ha ha ha!
Don't worry about me.
Just worry about yourself and all that
crap you pour on that beautiful meat.
$1 .95.
Put it on my tab.
I already put your tab
on my bedroom wall, Mother.
That way, when I wake up
in the middle of the night...
I can look across the room
and see my grandchildren starving.
OK. Put the violin away.
Leroy, pay the man, will you, please?
What do you mean, " pay the man"?
I didn't eat anything.
- Pay the man.
- Come on. $1 .95.
You gonna let him call me cheap?
Keep the change.
These people live
on their tips, you know.
Unit One, a code 2 at 27 Hayes Avenue.
An addict for voluntary commitment.
Her doctor is with her.
Code 2.
Let Rodeo and Bliss take it.
Man, you know, the way I feel sometimes,
they can just take it all.
Ha ha ha!
I'll give you your $2.00 back, man.
Ha ha ha!
- No, it's not that.
- Well, what is it?
Well, look at me.
I'm 25 years old.
- I got $8.37 in the bank.
- OK.
The only chicks I meet are hemorrhaging
or have bullet holes in them.
You know,
if you'd put some fertilizer...
underneath that sad-looking mustache
you tryin' to grow...
you'd probably get about 3 or 4.
Come on, Mr. Tucker.
I know you're out there.
But what's it all for?
It's for the greater glory of some
jive-ass crook like Harry Fishbine.
Well, you get to ride
in the cockamamie rig...
keep your own beer,
play your own tapes...
work whenever you want to.
I mean, where else
you gonna get that?
Goodhue? Schaefer?
Uh-uh.
You work for them,
you work strictly by the book...
so some jive movie star
don't sue your butt off.
That's no way to live.
No, that's right, man.
It's no way to live.
Huh.
Done with this?
Yeah.
Come bury it.
Coffee?
Bromo.
Eh...
Goddamn it, Mother.
Everybody else is on a call.
Move your ass!
Yes, sir, Mr. Harry.
We're coming right now.
You son of a bitch.
We got the, uh,
arm and leg restraints?
I'll get that crap.
You just go make nice
with the doctor.
Now, uh,
now let's be cool, lady.
I need drugs.
Yeah, well, I'm hip...
um, and we'll get you some, OK?
But now let's just...
let's take it easy, OK?
Morphine or demerol.
Whatever you got.
Ok, oh, well, you see, we don't,
uh, carry any drugs in the rig...
at least not the kind
you're looking for.
But I'll get you some, OK?
But now...
why don't you
just put away the gun?
Now, I wouldn't shit you, lady.
We don't carry it.
It's the law.
Liar!
No!
Ambulance needs
a black and white.
Ambulance needs a black and white.
Woman with a gun.
Homicide at 210 Howland Canal.
You come out of there!
Leroy?
Oh, God.
Answer me!
You come out of there!
Put that gun down.
Put it down!
Code 3, use caution.
Code 3, code 3, use caution.
Mother, you know you're not supposed
to carry a piece in your rig.
Cars 9 and 14. Cars 9 and 14...
When we match that slug
to his .357...
he'll lose his ambulance license
for sure.
I tell you right now,
they don't match.
Hmm.
Yeah, if that's not the biggest
hunk of buckshot I ever saw...
How'd you like to go
back to busting gay bars?
We're about done here, Mother.
Go home. Get some sleep.
We'll take Leroy with us.
No.
I'll take him home myself.
Sorry, Mother.
I really am.
Oh, as much as I
hate to break the mood...
it's, uh, it's midnight.
8 bodies.
I drew number 8.
Any objections, huh?
I'm terribly sorry, Mother.
Deeply sorry.
I suppose this is a rather
inopportune time to mention it...
but we didn't include Leroy.
That makes 9 bodies.
No one drew 9.
Hey. Wait a minute.
Leroy doesn't count,
for Christ's sake.
He's, uh...
I didn't mean it that way, Mother.
I didn't.
Here. I'll split it with you.
I, uh... Take the whole thing.
Ohh!
Oh, God.
Oh!
Oh, come on, man. Are you crazy?
Hey, stop it.
All right. That's enough.
Hey, take it easy, Mother.
Stop it, Mother.
Stop it, Mother.
That's enough.
Knock it off.
Aw, Mother...
Come on, Mother.
Bliss, you chicken, get the hose!
Man, come on. Get up.
Goddamn... Aah!
Stupid nigger!
Now, I know that it's fourth and 20...
and I know that
every other schmuck in the world...
would just drop back and punt...
but that's what separates
the men from the ladies.
- Boys.
- Now, we're gonna pass.
We're gonna pass, we're gonna pass,
and we're gonna score.
Now then, first things...
- First.
- first.
This franchise is not going under.
Mother, you're gonna
double up with Tony here...
till I get a couple
of new drivers.
- I drive alone.
- Out of the question.
- I drive alone!
- I said, out of the question!
You send me out on
the code twos only.
That frees Rodeo and Bliss
to go out on the tough stuff.
- One man in a rig is illegal.
- Everything about this place is illegal.
Good morning, Mr. Fishbine.
Did I send for you?
No. I would like
to see you about something.
Well, thank you for coming.
Get out your pad.
I don't have a pad.
I never had a pad.
Well, then, start.
Now, look, Mother.
What about Tony here?
Who does he drive with?
He doesn't have the experience.
Uh, pardon me.
Are we running a vocational school
for moonlighters?
I mean, no offense to you, Speed.
Don't worry about me, Harry...
Now, look, Mother.
Mother, you know how much this next week
means to me, to all of us.
When Taylor over at Unity hears about
this, he's really gonna put on the heat.
Now, if you leave me with only
one rig to respond to code 3s...
Now, wait a minute.
You're in no position
to argue, Mother!
You'll be lucky if Murdoch
doesn't sue you for assault.
He sues me,
I'll beat on him again.
Anyway, you drive my hours...
you listen to my music...
and you pay for your own beer.
And yours, too,
from what I understand.
- Yeah.
- But I accept your apology.
OK, understand now.
Whether you make it or not,
I mean, I couldn't care less.
If you're gonna try, then you
might as well learn from the best.
- Mm-hmm.
- OK.
Just behave yourself.
- So this is where you went after work.
- That's it.
I am now a qualified EMT-1
and ambulance driver.
When do I start?
Honey, when I get hard up enough
to hire a woman driver...
I'll be dead two years.
But you need drivers.
Now, look, sweetheart,
we got enough problems already...
just trying to get people into
the ambulances in the first place.
All we got to do is hire a woman driver,
put her behind the wheel...
and most people would rather bleed
to death right there in the street.
It took me months
to complete these courses.
I'm just as qualified as any man.
Look. The diplomas says so.
All right. Why don't you
just try Unity, huh?
Go on. See how far this
high-class toilet paper gets you.
I bet you Taylor
won't even take you on.
He's got 15 kinds of liberation
coming out his ass.
I don't want to work for Unity.
I want to work here.
You are working here,
sweetheart.
Now, look.
I'll make you a deal.
You get back to that switchboard,
and I'll have this framed, huh?
Mr. Fishbine...
frame that.
Oh!
Son of a gun.
Oh.
OK.
- Hey, beautiful.
- Yeah?
They leave you alone on a code 3?
That's right.
Well, lead on, gorgeous.
We'll help you out.
OK.
Hello.
This is Jennifer in Unit Two.
Mrs. Fishbine?
Jennifer, what are you doing?
Never mind.
Have we got any calls, anything,
a code 2, 3?
- What in the world are you doing?
- Mrs. Fishbine, listen carefully.
In the drawer
underneath the switchboard...
there's a red book with the names of
the phony patients we carry... got it?
- Now, if you could just...
- Phony patients?
Yes. The names of the people we give
a kickback to after the county pays us.
Now, I need a name and an address
near the intersection of, um...
My Harry
would never do such a thing.
I am not looking for any such book
because there is no book.
6 to 5 you run out of gas...
before they do.
All right, lady.
What the hell do you think you're...
Oh, thank God you're here.
Oh, I got to get him
to the hospital immediately.
The sooner the better.
- The whole stove blew up.
- Oh, my God. Take it easy now.
Don't you know F&B?
The best darn service in the city.
That's right.
Here we go.
Thank you, Officer.
Easy does it.
Easy, easy.
Oh, Officer, your car seems to be
blocking the alleyway.
Would you mind?
Thank you very much.
- Hospital. Hospital.
- Yes, yes.
Oh! Oh!
Christ, that was good.
Would you believe? I've never been
more terrified in my life. Whoo!
Here. Let me help you.
Did you see the expression
on his face?
- You were brilliant.
- No, you were brilliant.
I've decided that you're either someone
very special or a very talented liar.
- I'm not terribly special.
- Liar.
What's wrong?
It's just that I... I don't want you
to misunderstand my feelings.
I think we should
both know where we stand.
You tell me.
Well, later on, for instance,
when you take me home...
you'll want to make love to me,
but you won't.
I won't?
No. Because we both know...
that I'm not the type
to roll over on the first date.
You're not?
So you wait a couple of nights
and, uh, feel better about it...
then make your move.
And?
We'll have wasted 3 whole days.
Well...
they don't call me Speed
for nothing.
Let's hope they don't
call you Speed for everything.
OK, Jennifer, now, look.
I can take a joke
as well as the next guy...
but if you don't
return that rig PDQ...
there's gonna be some criminal charges
involved around here.
Just promise me
you'll be the arresting officer.
Now, listen, sweetheart.
If you can't face me for some reason,
at least report your position.
Oh, maybe I should
take the rig back after all.
You can't.
I locked you in.
You have to perform an unnatural act
to find the keys.
Well, give me a hint.
Oh! Oh!
Ha ha ha!
If that's the way you look
after a good night's rest...
you ought to stay awake
for the rest of your life.
- Why don't you take some oxygen?
- I'll be all right.
- Yeah.
- Thank God it's a quiet morning.
That's just what I was thinking.
At Greenville Hills Country Club.
See the club attendant.
Code 3.
Hello.
Uh, that wouldn't be a Unity call
we're responding to?
It's a code 3,
and it's just 4 blocks away.
Can we help it if
we're humanitarians?
Eighth green. He got smacked
in the head by a drive.
We're bringing him in.
You can't drive that thing across there.
You'll wreck the course.
Keep off the green!
Go around!
Put him down, idiot.
It's all right.
I'm a doctor.
Christ, today's Wednesday.
You must all be doctors.
You just sent this man into shock.
What are you, a vet?
I happen to be the finest
dermatologist in the city.
Yeah. Well, if acne breaks out,
we'll let you know.
Here. You take the wood covers,
fill them up with sand, please.
All right.
Ton, you hold his neck straight until
we can wedge him in on either side.
Oh, damn!
Uh, thanks a lot, Albert.
We got him.
No. We ain't leaving here
without him, Mother.
You don't shaft this nigger
twice in one week.
Please, Albert, not in mixed company.
We were here first.
That's what the injuns
keep saying, Jim.
This man is an epileptic.
Here. Hold his head, Tony.
You better sit on his legs here.
Give me that putter there.
Give me that putter.
Sit on his legs.
Sit on his legs!
For crying out loud,
sit on his legs!
Think that's gonna help?
Thank you.
OK. Thank you, Albert.
Thank you.
Thank you, Albert.
Smooth job, Mother.
We'll take it from here.
Hey, man, I earned this.
Too true, man, but face it...
even though you got
the baddest rig in town...
how you gonna get this dude downtown
on two flat tires?
No, you didn't.
You must have run over
a couple of them new steel tees.
No, you didn't.
You're gonna get the bill
for that, Taylor.
You know, those tires your boys slashed,
they weren't scooter tires.
No, sir.
They... They were...
- $64.50.
- They were $64.50.
- And they didn't slash the tires.
- That's right, $64.50 apiece, times two.
You know what... Well, you're
gonna find out what that is.
- They just let the air out.
- I know what they did. Well, why'd you...
Don't tell me.
After yesterday, the switchboard
suddenly looks good to you, huh?
I heard about what happened, Jugs.
You stick to your guns.
Women drivers are long overdue.
You know, sweetheart, I could have you
arrested for stealing an ambulance.
Mr. Moran advises me otherwise.
He says since I'm an accredited driver
and technically in your employ...
- Moran? When did you talk to that crook?
- This morning.
He says I have an airtight
discrimination in employment suit...
which could bankrupt this company.
This company is bankrupt.
Now, look, sweetheart, you'd
have to live with the other drivers.
Do you realize that?
Sleep with them.
I can't afford
separate quarters for you...
and what about when those guys start
sleepwalking about 3:00 in the morning?
No upper berth will be too high.
I can promise you that.
And then you got some half-assed Romeo
like Tony moving in on you...
- I've already slept with him.
- Oh, fantastic!
Close.
Look.
It works out just great.
- No, it doesn't.
- It does. She rides with Speed.
No way!
You wouldn't want to break up
a matched couple, right?
OK. Then I get my rig back.
Now, that gives you an extra unit.
Thanks very much, Mother.
- And I'd like one with clean sheets.
- Why don't you be nice?
"Be nice."
This girl's too green.
I can't send her out with somebody
who's been driving less than a week.
Then I'll ride with Mother and Tony
until I'm broken in.
No women allowed in my rig unless
they're flat on my back and bleeding.
But you just said you were
in favor of women driving.
- I am, but not in my rig. Now...
- What about my rights?
Oh, you got your rights,
and I have mine. Now...
Well, I'm afraid you gentlemen have
left me with no alternative. I'll sue.
Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.
Get me Moran on the phone.
Yeah. Get Whiplash.
I am not a secretary anymore.
You will be, damn it!
You will be after I straighten him out!
Give him hell, Harry!
Unit One.
Oh, Unit One?
Unit One.
Mr. Tucker, you have a code 3.
415 West Washington.
Unit One, 10-4.
I was supposed to
ride this rig alone.
Now I don't have any room
for the patient.
Hello.
I'm up here.
Just come up the stairs.
I was just going out
to get the mail...
so I didn't bother
to put on any underwear...
and by the time
I felt the zipper catch...
it was too late.
Jugsy!
Put the gurney down.
This is it.
Life or death.
Finally got your chance.
Oh, no.
Come back here.
Does she have to?
Uh, yes, sir,
she's first-rate, the best we got...
with the dedication
of a jungle missionary.
I'm all thumbs myself.
You are disgusting.
- Yes.
- Mother, I...
No. Wait, wait.
What is this?
Selective medical attention?
That's beautiful.
First day riding with me,
and you're a specialist?
Get in there.
Aah!
It's really stuck in there.
Yank it down.
No!
Well, look, champ.
You want to sit there like that
for the rest of your life?
- Uh-uh.
- OK.
I'll try to be as careful as I can.
Oh, please.
Now, don't excite the man.
That thing swells up, those zipper marks
are gonna look like tire tracks.
Oww! Ohh!
Well, he said he'd only
be in there 20 minutes.
Institute of Sexual Awareness.
Oh, that feels good.
Take it down here.
Ahh, that's so nice.
Hey, what's the
"Tahitian Titillation"?
The same thing you're getting,
except I wear a sarong.
I see. And... Ooh!
Oh, I knew it was
too good to be true.
- Mother.
- Hello, Marsha.
What have you got for a hangover?
A dime for a cup of coffee.
Oh! A mean one.
Gimme the B-12, please.
All right, darling.
Bend over and drop your veil.
All right.
But no funny stuff this time.
Honey, if you can't tell
which one is the needle by now...
Hey, what's that?
Nothing.
Really.
Well, how often a year
do you get a telegram?
You've been reinstated.
You going back?
Unit One.
A code 3.
Unit One, 10-1.
Lucky's Market,
2611 Lincoln Boulevard.
The woman is in labor.
We're on our way. 10-4.
I'll get Mother.
Oh, we'll be back
before he notices we're gone.
So it's a woman in labor.
We're both fully accredited,
and you can drive this rig.
I'll do it.
- You ready?
- Wait.
- Ready.
- Ready?
Go.
How close are we?
It's her fifth baby.
Any second.
Uh, Southside Emergency.
5 blocks down.
Take a right.
Dr. Binder. Dr. Binder, line 3, please.
What do you got?
- She's giving birth any second.
- Who's her doctor?
- She hasn't got one.
- Then she goes to County.
- There's no time.
- We're full up here.
Besides, we don't handle
obstetrics in Emergency.
I don't think you understood me.
This woman's about to have a baby.
And I don't think you understood me.
We don't handle that here.
The quicker you get her out, the better
chance you have to making it to County.
- Let's go.
- But wait...
Let's go.
How much farther?
5 or 6 minutes.
Tony. Tony!
It's coming.
All right.
Bear down.
Unh!
Push.
The head's coming out.
Here he comes. Yes.
- OK.
- Bear down.
There it is.
Ha ha! You're a mother.
Ha ha ha ha!
Look.
- It's all right.
- Look there.
My God.
She's hemorrhaging.
It's not working.
I can't stop it.
Keep trying.
Tony?
It's all right, Jennifer.
We have to cut the cord.
Oh, we're not supposed to.
That's for the doctor.
The, uh... The hospital.
It's all right, Jennifer.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Everything will be all right, Jen.
I think I'll go down to the corner
for some coffee. Want some?
I can make it,
unless you want the walk.
It's not the fact
that it happened, Jen.
It's just that...
I felt so damn helpless.
Mr. Christian?
I want you.
You, too, Bubbles.
Got a big meeting
down at City Hall.
Harry wants a show of force,
and we're it.
Uh, if you understand me,
rap on the wall.
I'll get the coffee.
Snow white and 7 cubes for me.
Got it hand it to you, Jugs.
One quick flip in the sack,
and you got him going for the coffee.
Oh, you're good.
Doesn't anything
bother you anymore?
You've been playing that stupid role
so long that...
nothing finally moves you anymore?
So a couple of people
died in the van last night, huh?
I held a bloody baby in my arms.
Watched the mother...
And what you witnessed...
was a massive hemorrhage...
which no doctor in the world
could have stopped...
with the equipment
that we carry in that rig.
You did your best.
You saved the kid.
But that doesn't count.
You know, if every driver
who lost two patients in one day quit...
we wouldn't have any drivers.
You go around stomping and
demanding rights and responsibility.
Well, you got it.
And this is as good as it gets.
"We don't take obstetrics here."
That's what he said.
It's just... not good enough.
Because it doesn't fit
your idea of life.
Because people don't suffer
the way you want them to.
So what are you gonna do?
You're gonna pull a Speed and bail out
because you can't live your fantasies?
How am I gonna get my coffee?
Mouth-to-mouth or what?
Keep your back turned, Mother.
I got to get some clothes on.
Now then,
since we're all here...
Bluntly, gentlemen...
the operating records
of your two companies...
are, to be generous, dismal.
Granted,
you're both understaffed...
with insufficient equipment,
forced to work long hours.
Um, Mr. Warren,
my company is still young...
but I feel that we are
vitally important to the area.
Give us a chance to grow, to, uh,
proliferate through the community.
Yeah. Like syphilis.
I should like to point out...
that the counsel
notes with admiration...
the efforts Mr. Taylor has made
to hire minorities.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
What about a woman?
Does he have a woman?
I do.
She's out there somewhere.
They're right behind me.
This, uh...
This is, uh, the woman...
and, uh, I feel that
she's worth 4 blacks...
the future draft rights
to 3 Chicanos...
and a Chinaman
to be named later, sir.
You bet she is.
We will get a woman.
I mean, as soon as we get
separate bunk room facilities.
Didn't you try that one on Jugs?
Yeah. She wouldn't buy it.
Gentlemen, please.
These arguments are academic.
By all rights, the logical choice
for the city to make...
is the Unity Company.
Somebody greased him.
Why didn't you get in there
and make an offer?
You can't bribe a city official
with an IOU.
Well, Your Honor, I object.
All right.
I object to the objection, sir.
He cannot object...
Mr. Moran,
this is not a court of law.
You can't object to anything here,
and you can't...
I object to this whole
rotten, stinking fix.
This is still the United States
of America, goddamn it.
Los Angeles, California.
Land of the free
and home of the...
Rams and the Dodgers.
Gentlemen...
the city council has voted freely
and democratically, Mr. Fishbine...
not to award the territory
to either one of you.
What? No. Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
Please.
In short,
since neither company...
has facilities and equipment necessary
to service the entire area...
the new contracts will be awarded
to an existing larger company.
There must be another way, Mr. Warren.
It has to be.
My men did not go through
months of training...
and sacrifice to themselves
and their families...
to be thrown out of work.
You cannot wipe that effort out
with one stroke of a bureaucratic pen.
What if we merged?
- Merge?
- I mean, become one company.
Then we'd be strong enough
and large enough...
to service the area.
I don't know.
Well, in my opinion...
and speaking, uh, ex officio...
so to speak...
uh, such a company
would have to operate...
under a period of probation...
- Accepted.
- to which...
Accepted.
Now what do you have
to say to that, Fishbine?
What would we call it?
Unity.
It has the right ring to it.
You know, under the circumstances.
Well, I kind of like F&B.
It's, uh, catchy.
What can I tell you?
Tell me something, Fishbine...
What in the hell does F&B stand for?
Fishbine and what?
Fish and bine.
Well, I couldn't call it
the " F" Ambulance Company, could I?
I assume that none of you drivers
has any objection to this arrangement.
I'd consider it
a rare opportunity...
to drive with an Afro-American
on a one-to-one basis.
Well, after you, I'd sooner
drive with a walleyed pygmy.
I hate to break up Brotherhood Week
here, gentlemen...
but I don't agree...
and these men
all have contracts with me.
- Mr. Taylor.
- Yes?
Code 3 at 425 Rose Avenue.
That's 425 Rose Avenue.
What kind of a setup...
425 Rose Avenue?
Why do I know that address?
Holy shit! That's F&B!
Come on! Get rolling!
Let's go!
Gentlemen, we're not through yet!
We're not through.
Mrs. Fishbine.
Come in, Mrs. Fishbine.
Come in, Mrs. Fishbine.
Hello?
Where is everybody?
Huh?
Uh, my friend and I
are waiting, goddamn it!
Murdoch, what the hell
are you doing down there?
Hey, my friend Walker and I...
we came by
to get his pants, right?
Somebody stole his pants.
Uhh...
that's a hell of a thing
to do to a guy, you know?
I mean, jeez, that's a hell of...
But especially Walker
because he's sick, man.
Murdoch, you're stoned.
He needs an ambulance, man,
and I came here...
and there's nobody here...
and I called Unity,
and they wouldn't come, either.
Mother beats the shit out of me...
Walker breaks his leg...
and nobody gives a damn!
They don't care! They don't care!
Nobody cares!
I care. I care very deeply
about your friend's pants.
- No, you don't! You're lying!
- I do.
You don't care, Mrs. Fishbine!
Oh!
I think I'm gonna end it all.
Oh, but you
have so much to live for.
I know I do.
I wasn't talking about me.
I was talking about you.
Oh! Oh!
How could I have done it?
How could I have done it?
How could I have missed?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Fishbine.
I didn't mean to scare you
like that.
You better call the police.
We'll be there before they will.
- You know something, Naomi?
- Hmm?
I never noticed this before, but...
you're a hell of a good-looking woman,
you know that?
He really is stoned.
Thank you, Dick.
My name is John.
He's got a gun!
He hasn't got the guts.
Dick! No!
Tony!
Hey, shut up!
Hey! Hey!
Let's have a look.
I got him, man!
No! Don't!
He's sure gone nuts,
you know that?
The stupid thing's
become a goddamn zoo.
Well, you're the one who has to
clean out the cages, Speed.
Thank God.
It went right through.
Hope it didn't put a hole
in my door.
All right.
Just relax, everyone.
Ha ha! Hey!
Whoa!
Walker, what the hell are you doing?
Any hostages in there?
Uh, just Mrs. Fishbine...
which really doesn't give him
that much to bargain with.
Let's head for Harry.
That way, your deputy will be
close to a rig when he gets shot.
Hey, Albert, you got any stuff
in your rig? Tony's shot.
Yeah.
You fellas pull your rig across
the street and block it off there.
We don't want to get anybody
inadvertently perpetrated.
I think we better get
a SWAT team in here.
Excellent suggestion.
No. No SWAT. I've seen
what they do to buildings on TV.
Do I make that call, Sergeant?
Why don't you go
around the back, Harvey...
and draw their fire for a while?
Why don't you go with them, Custer?
Hey, you from Texas?
Lubbock. Born and bred.
No shit.
I'm from Amarillo.
Is that right?
All right.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
I'd say this was close enough without
further authorization, wouldn't you?
The way I see it...
cut off from the others like we are...
I'm sort of forced to use
my own initiative here.
Walker, what the hell
are you doing?
Walker!
Harry, the office.
Huh?
If I remember right,
you got it insured for about $1 .93.
Get in there, Sheriff.
Somebody do something.
Our company's going up in smoke!
Our company?
What are you talking about,
our company?
Ha ha! Hey!
- Harry, aren't you forgetting something?
- What?
Well, your wife's in there.
Oh, my God!
Peaches, get in there, baby!
Stamp out those flames!
Go on!
Go on! Come on, Peaches!
Davey, I'm gonna phone it in.
Now let me get my rig out of there.
Don't let me down, baby!
I'm with you!
What's the code for fire?
I already called it in.
Don't shoot, Murdoch!
Mother!
Bang, bang.
I got him!
All cars in the vicinity
of Bayshore and Royal:
Shots being fired.
Code 3. Code 3. Use caution.
I got him.
Hey, fella, that's evidence.
He couldn't count to 6.
Hey, Sheriff.
You guys handle this already?
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
Peaches!
What the hell happened to you?
Pete.
Well, so long, kid.
You know,
I'm gonna miss you, Officer.
What? Oh.
- Detective.
- Ah, whatever, huh?
- Good luck, Harry.
- You, too, tiger.
I hope your wife
feels better soon.
She better.
Her hospitalization here
is only good for two days.
Ha ha ha!
Taylor, you want something here?
- Coffee.
- Right.
Relax.
Somebody had to fill in.
Yeah.
So quit.
You proved your point.
Oh, by the way...
here's my key.
My shift ends around 8:00...
and my favorite dinner
is rare lamb chops with mint sauce.
There's some laundry
in the closet.
Whenever you get a chance,
laundromat's two blocks down La Cienega.
Well, thank goodness
I don't do windows.
Fishbine and Unity.
- Here's another one, man.
- Hmm?
Listen. Tell me, what kind
of entry is this, partner?
$250 for footballs?
Who do you like
in the Denver game Sunday?
Minnesota.
- 10 points.
- 9.
- You got a bet, sweetheart.
- You better believe it.
By the way, what do you people
take in your coffee?
If you had any sense, Albert,
you'd stop right there.
- You know, Mother?
- What?
Now that it's all official...
I wouldn't mind sharing a rig
with a jive-ass old dude like you.
If you clean up
your act a little.
923 Woolsey Drive.
Code 2.
Well, I appreciate
your offer, Albert...
but I already have a partner...
Jugs here.
Happens to be one of the finest
shotgun riders in the city.
How do you like your lamb chops?
You wouldn't happen to have a bottle
of dry chablis in here, would you?
Yes.
Right next to
the brandy Alexanders.
Oh.
Well, if you're gonna drive with me,
you're gonna have to shape up.
I mean, no one wears
yellow tennis shoes with red socks.
You'll shave every day...
and stop calling me Jugs.
Are you deeply religious, Jugs?
Not particularly.
I don't have to tell you people
times are tough.
You read the papers.
The country's going to hell.
Now, you take inflation,
recession, welfare...
There's nothing
we can do about that.
But thanks to muggings,
malnutrition...
assassination, and disease...
we got a chance to make a buck.
I can see
that some of you men...
must be shocked by that statement...
but I didn't write
the rules of life myself.
No, sir.
Mother, please!
The cripple, the junkie...
the wounded, and the dying...
Society calls them all
worthless...
but they're not worthless...
not to us.
To us, each one
is worth $42.50...
plus 50 cents a mile...
and let's not forget it.
Goddamn it, Mother!
When it comes to realizing
that people in distress...
will jump into the first rig
that shows up...
well, that's when the drive
and the enthusiasm of you men...
will make the difference.
But there's another
group out there, men.
Code 3 at 1442 Wade Avenue.
Keep it in your pants, Bliss.
I'm not through.
But there's another
group out there, men...
and I will not dignify
the Unity Ambulance Company...
by mentioning its name...
but they want our territory...
our sick, your jobs.
But we're not gonna let them
do it to us, are we, men?
You bet we're not.
No, sir.
Excuse me, Mr. Fishbine.
We have a code 3 at 1442 Wade Avenue,
a woman in labor.
Thank you, Jennifer.
A woman in labor.
What could be
more eloquent than that?
Well, it looks like life
has its own little ways...
of summing up the situation,
doesn't it, men?
Gentlemen...
the F&B Ambulance Company
is rolling!
Show business.
Go.
Hold it.
- Go.
- Thank you.
Ha ha!
Ugh!
Come on back!
Come on!
Get her back here in the ring.
Bring her up here.
Bring her up here!
Let me get my hands...
You know...
I always pictured lady wrestlers...
as a bunch of flabby slobs
and dykes...
but you're really
a fine-looking, delicate girl.
Up you.
Uh, you get a charge
out of sirens?
I can have him turn the sirens on
for you if you want.
Anything, as long
as it drowns you out.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, now you just
rest comfortably there.
I don't want any jerky motions...
or anything like that, you know.
I think you got some trouble...
down here in your coccygeal joint.
Hey!
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
I've had two years' training
helping people.
And I've had six years learning
how to beat the shit out of them.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Put your hand
on my coccygeal joint again...
and I swear to God,
I'll pull yours off.
OK. OK.Jesus Christ!
Unit One?
Unit One.
We're a 10-9 at East Horizon.
We've got a code 3 at a bar and grill,
62 Wynwood Avenue.
Can you handle?
Hang in there, Jugs.
We'll get right back to you.
Roger, One.
Show business.
Driver, outside:
Hello?
Hello.
Hi.
Lady, we're gonna need a name.
Name?
Crocker.
Miss Crocker, have you notified
the fire department yet?
I don't want the fire department.
You're a private service,
aren't you?
Yes, but we, uh...
Well, then get him out of here.
I've got the money.
I'll pay.
I don't think you get the point.
See, we can't take him
away from here...
until he's been pronounced dead.
Officially, that is.
Oh.
Are you insane?
Look at him.
Oh, yeah.
I can see that he's stiff.
But, you see,
according to the law...
he's still officially alive...
until the fire department...
or someone with
a sheepskin on the wall...
comes in and says no.
Which means that someone else
is gonna have to know about this.
Now, you want us to handle it?
Swell.
Unit One.
Uh, we got a D.B. here
at East Horizon...
Cowboy.
Call the fire and the sheriff.
Has anyone rolled
on that code 3 yet?
Negative, One.
We're still waiting on you.
Yeah. OK.
Well, give us
a couple minutes head start...
and then call in the troops.
We'll try and get back in time.
Harry says
don't get caught, Mother.
Harry says to play it cool.
Tell Harry...
Davey.
Yo, Mother.
How's it going?
What you got?
A female alcoholic.
According to the bartender...
she was sucking
on her fourth double...
and dropped over like a rock.
- Uh-huh.
- Dead.
Yeah, well, I didn't figure
you guys were suffocating her.
Got a dead swimmer.
Let's go. We're running late.
- Uh, Mother.
- Yes, sir.
Ahem.
Let's see what I got here.
There you are.
Uh, no. 3's not gonna be enough.
I'm gonna have to have a fin.
A fin. Look.
We're probably gonna have to
collect this fee from the state.
They don't pay no more than $30.
I'm not used to
shucking out more than 10%.
Mother, don't you read
about the cost of living?
It's rising while we stand here.
Now I could've called
the guys from Unity.
Unity. Yes, yes.
Thank you, Mother.
Harvey, we've just corrupted
the finest driver in the county.
Ok. We're dealing.
Check and raise. Come on.
Hell, yes, check and raise.
Come on. Deal the cards.
You don't sandbag, hon.
You ain't traveling fast enough
for this kind of company.
Beautiful.
I don't want any of that.
Watch it, Anna.
Sorry I'm late, girls.
It's late,
but you gonna get her money.
Ooh, we're gonna
get her money tonight.
Yeah, yeah.
Whoops.
Whoa. Whoa! Aaaah!
Helen, are you all right, dear?
You know what to do.
Don't waste a hernia, Albert.
That's our stiff.
Like hell.
Read it and weep.
We were here 20 minutes ago.
Hey, Phil.
We called you guys in on this.
Mother, you know better than to
run off like that from a junkie's place.
I'm not a junkie.
Sure. You've just been doing
needlepoint without your glasses on.
I see it all the time.
You gonna put cuffs on her?
No physical evidence.
That's why you
don't get this body.
I figure she got rid of it
after you ran off.
Pardon me, son.
Ahh.
She stuck this up underneath
the frame for safekeeping.
You know, this gum
is really diabolical.
I mean, two sticks
will hold that kit up.
You can imagine
what it'll do to your teeth.
You bastard.
He's all yours, Mother.
Thank you.
Hey, man.
You can't do that.
You guys jumped their call.
They already got another body
in their rig.
That's illegal.
Just common sense.
I mean, how can you
get the stiff downtown...
and you got two flat tires?
Have mercy.
I thought you'd never get here.
Huh. What took you so long?
Helen, they're here.
Right this way.
Ohh. Wooh.
OK. Take her over.
There you go.
- Go around?
- Around.
Right in here, honey.
Right in here.
All right.
You gonna be all right.
You all right, honey?
Yes. She's gonna be.
What happened?
Her hip is busted is what it is.
Oh. Has a doctor
taken a look at this, ma'am?
Honey, if the doctors won't make
house calls in Beverly Hills...
just who do you think
I'm gonna find to come down here?
Ain't that the truth?
Would you excuse me, please?
We're gonna move her
over on this board.
Thank you.
Just a little
over that way, please.
There you go.
Ok. Walker?
Yeah.
Now we're gonna have to
move you on this board...
so you just try to
cooperate and relax, OK?
- You ready?
- Yep.
Ready.
Mmh.
Uh. Ah...
All right. Let's go.
1, 2, 3...
go!
Mmph!
Uh, now, if you could just...
Maybe if you could roll over
this way just a little bit...
Would you roll over?
It would be a big help.
Watch the arm.
All right now.
Easy, easy.
It's all right.
Easy. Easy now.
Uh... sorry.
All right now.
Would you just move,
just a little bit, please?
Could you pull that chair out?
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right?
You got it?
Goddamn.
Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Just like I got her here.
I can't believe this.
Jesus.
Ready?
Jesus Christ.
All right.
Hold it, hold it.
Wait a minute.
Come on.
You need some help?
Would you?
Yes. Could you?
Would you mind going over there?
And if you could
get on the other side...
and when I say 1, 2, 3,
we all lift at the same time.
Ok. Ready?
1, 2...
3... up!
Here we go.
Christ!
Her head's in my crotch!
OK. OK?
All right. You all right?
Come on.
Don't drop her, for Christ's sake.
Oh, here we go. Here.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Here we go. All righty.
Down. Going down.
Wait a minute.
My fingers. My fingers.
Pull it up on this...
Yeah. All right?
All right? OK.
That'll be $42.50
and 50 cents a mile.
You get Helen downstairs, honey, and
I'll pay you when she's all loaded in.
Ohh.
- OK?
- No!
All right now.
1, 2, 3... up!
Oh! God!
OK. Get around that corner.
Ohh. Oh.
This OK? Relax.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah.
Ooh! Agh!
Take it easy, boy. Ohh!
OK. OK.
Well, let me get around,
will you?
You got her, Walker?
Yeah!
Look out!
Waaah! Look out!
Oh, my God.
Waaaaaaah!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Aaaah!
Aaaaaaah!
Aaaaaaaah!
No, no, no, no, no!
Ahh! Aaaaaah!
Aaaaah!
I think y'all
just blew that $42.50, baby.
Ow! Jesus H. Christ!
What's the matter? I never touched you.
What's the matter?
There's something
biting me down here!
That's what's the matter!
Get me out of here!
Come on! Get out!
Pull yourself out, will you?
I can't!
Would you call an ambulance?
I had a friend of mine
that smoked dope.
He set his whole house on fire.
And then by the time
he finished smoking that stuff...
he just about coughed himself
to death trying to get high.
Never did understand.
Nothing wrong with a good drink.
On top of that,
you look nasty when you do it.
No. No, thank you.
Help you sleep.
No. I've been asleep for an hour.
Uh-oh.
It's infallible.
I don't care what time
of day or night we pass this way.
Why does the Lord
tempt me this way?
Look, Mother.
Now, Harry promised
the head sister...
you wouldn't do
that stuff anymore.
I can't help myself.
I'm crazed.
Ha ha ha!
- You're a mean man.
- Yes.
You know, come judgment day,
those ladies...
are gonna boot your ass
right back through the pearly gates.
Are you kidding me?
They love it.
Takes the place of sex.
Ha ha ha!
Have to dignify myself...
by calling you for a lousy $24.30.
This is no collection agency,
you know.
This happens to be the owner.
I am the head of F&B.
That's right.
I shouldn't have anybody calling,
but I'm doing you this service.
I'm showing you the decency
of getting you on the phone personally.
That's the way I like to do things...
personally, one-to-one.
So if you come down here,
I'll punch you right in the mouth.
Don't give me that lip.
We were nice enough...
We were nice...
Mike, we were nice enough to
pay your bills, and there were a lot.
I am talking...
Shouldn't be
too much longer now.
I am talking to you
like a gentleman...
Hey, Jugs. Ha.
It's your lucky day, Jugs.
I took a rock producer
with kidney stones...
down to Cedars last night...
and guess what he gave me.
Here, well, take a look.
Look. Huh?
I've seen kidney stones before.
Ha ha ha!
No. It's two tickets to
the Cat Stevens concert tonight.
Now come on.
What do you say, Jugs?
Please stop calling me that,
Murdoch.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I try. I really try hard.
But every time I see
those headlights of yours...
Or honey, either.
My name is Jennifer...
and headlights
are found on automobiles.
Oh. OK.Jennifer.
Now will you come?
No.
All right.
I hope you have
a cold shower around here.
Excuse me?
I said, I hope you have
a cold shower around here.
I'm afraid I don't understand.
F&B.
Morning, Jugs.
Good morning, Mother.
Mr. Fishbine?
Mr. Speck on two, sir.
You know,
if I was 20 years younger...
I'd only be 3.
Mr. Fishbine wants to see you.
He's on the phone.
So the least you could do...
I happen to have the finest staff
of crack drivers in the city down here.
I mean, the name of F&B
has been a goddamn hallmark of...
Excellence.
Hallmark of excellence in this town.
- We care enough to send the very best.
- We care enough to send...
Anyway, if one of my drivers...
happens to fall through
your staircase and gets rabies...
that's your responsibility.
What do you landlords
use down there, anyway, balsa?
I'll see you in court, fella.
How do you fall through
a staircase and get rabies?
I don't know.
That pinhead Walker.
He gets bit by a rat last night.
You think that's funny?
He may die from it.
What, the rat?
Now look, Mother, I'm gonna
make this short and sweet.
So far this morning,
I got 3 lawsuits hanging over me...
I got a driver
in the hospital with rabies...
and there's a city council
meeting only a week away.
So the last thing in the world
I need for you...
is to give me extra schmutz.
I don't follow.
Were you out
buzzing the nuns last night?
They eat it up,
Harry, believe me.
Please leave those sisters alone.
It was bad enough with
the mother superior bugging me.
Now I got the goddamn
monsignor up my ass.
- Can I say something?
- No!
A Mr. Moran is here, sir.
Moran?
Some candy. Take it.
It's good for you.
Thank you.
Hi, Mother, you old mother.
How are you?
Whiplash!
You're a little
too classy for that.
Yeah. That's strictly
caveman material.
Yes.
Anyway, Harry, what you got?
I got two possibles.
Got a lady wrestler
with a broken hip.
Uh-huh.
You ought to be able to prove
negligence on the part of the arena.
She's in Hollywood Presbyterian,
room 282.
Presbyterian.
We'll give her a shot
of the good old moral outrage.
I'll sign her up
and get back to you.
Next.
Mrs. Natasha Gurdin...
413 Eli.
She got her hand caught
in a garbage disposal.
Faulty installation.
Ha ha ha!
Yeah, but it was
her writing hand, Whiplash...
so you just stick the pen
in her teeth.
Aren't you supposed
to be driving around...
and pulling old ladies
out of trees or something?
Yeah, as soon as I get my $5.00.
What $5.00?
$5.00 I had to pay out
for that stiff swimmer...
in the city bar last night.
$5.00?
Yes. It used to be 3.
What kind of a goddamn world
is this coming to, anyway...
when everybody's a goddamn crook?
Harry, I think you could
stand the competition.
Oh, now look, sweetheart.
Between your beers and tapes
and all the other goddamn things...
that no self-respecting ambulance
company would let you get away with...
That's why I like working for you...
because you have no self-respect.
Oh, yeah?
Why don't you try running a company
with your nuts in a vise 24 hours a day?
And I just might do that just to
watch that vise slam shut on you...
when I quit.
Oh, dream on, sweetheart.
Dream on.
You need money to run a company,
your own money...
and you wouldn't fork over a...
To watch you go to jail,
I would.
Now this guy's outside
waiting for you.
I eyeballed him on the way in.
He's either a cop or a crook.
Well, from what this paper says,
I think he's both.
He's a veteran, goddamn it...
and we owe these people
a debt we can never repay.
Yes. You owe everybody
a debt you can never repay.
Yes?
You may go in now.
Thanks.
He's right inside, Officer...
but I doubt if
he'll go peacefully.
I got to hand it to you,
Whiplash.
You nailed him.
Just say I have a kind of
a sixth sense about people.
Either that or a big nose.
I'd say you had enough legal
difficulties, young man...
without adding slander to it.
That's an actionable statement
under US Code 9-53.
But only if you don't commit a 12-37
while taking that action.
I never heard of a 12-37.
You never heard of the number
you gave him.
What did he do, anyway?
I don't know.
I couldn't see anything
but the top of the paper.
But don't worry, Jugs.
If it's rape,
I'll get you a whistle.
Johnson, Arthur, huh?
Malditesta, Anthony.
Uh, Malditesta, Anthony.
Right.
So you're the cop, huh?
The ex-cop.
Well, your medical
and driving qualifications seem OK.
I drove an ambulance in Vietnam
for 3 years.
No kidding.
Take a seat, kid.
Grab a seat, any seat.
Come on. Sit down.
You know something?
It really used to piss me off...
the way all
the freaks back here...
downgraded all the young men,
the young men like you...
who went off
and served their country.
I thought the war
was stupid and immoral.
I hated every minute I was there.
Yeah?
Yeah. Well, there's two schools
of thought on that, right?
Anyway, I'm glad you got here
at the right time.
One of my drivers
broke his leg last night.
You can start filling in
for him right away.
I-I wasn't prepared
to start now.
Atta boy, tiger.
You're gonna be working
with a man named Murdoch.
OK.
Ahh!
Now...
Oh, yeah, one more thing.
This report from the police commission
said you sold drugs... cocaine.
Actually, it says I was
accused of selling drugs.
Whatever.
The investigation's still pending.
I know, but I also know that
when cops go after other cops...
they sometimes have a habit of, uh,
pissing milk on each other.
- You know what I mean?
- I've heard that.
I've never actually
seen it happen, of course.
Uh-huh. What I'm trying to say is,
I assume you're clean now.
I never used drugs.
Oh, I believe you and all that.
But why don't you
roll up your sleeves for me, huh?
You don't usually shoot cocaine.
You snort it.
But I'd be very happy
to blow my nose for you.
I'm just testing you.
Now look, Tony.
I hope you don't think
this job's gonna be all glory.
I know you're used to
a good-looking uniform and a flashy rig...
but it takes more than that.
It takes guts, compassion, and
elbow grease to finally make the grade.
You can't expect to turn
into an overnight, uh...
Overnight, uh...
Florence Nightingale?
Now, I'd go easy on a joke
like that around here.
I mean, a nice-looking fella
like yourself...
a remark like that
could be misunderstood...
especially by a guy like Murdoch
with an all-day heat on.
Oh, he won't be a problem.
We've already met.
Well, good.
He's taking me to the Cat Stevens
concert Saturday night.
Ha!
You got a hell
of a sense of humor.
You're gonna need it on this job...
so you just work hard,
work hard, and...
- Keep my nose clean?
- That-a boy.
Ha ha ha! Oh, boy.
I'd love to give her
a shot some night, man.
Murdoch, we're all
gonna chip in one day...
and buy you something
that won't fight back...
like a quadruple amputee.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, great backgammon god...
this is Mother talking to you.
I need you now more than ever.
Show me a sign of recognition.
Ha! Double 4. Double 4.
Leroy, I've just
stepped on your manhood.
Hey! How you doing?
Turn that machine off, will you?
Huh?
Turn the machine off!
We met briefly outside.
I'm the Brown Hornet.
This is my swarthy
Filipino sidekick, Kato.
Leroy Watkins.
What do you say, man?
Hi. That's, uh, Rodeo
and Bliss and Murdoch.
Tony Malditesta.
Hey, that's headache in Italian.
Well, luckily for you,
you're just about Walker's size...
so you can wear one of his uniforms
until one of our tailors...
Uh, Mr. Vernet of Inglewood...
comes in and fits you properly.
Uh, which locker's his?
112, right over there.
Right.
5 letters. He wrote something
called Look Homeward, Angel.
Wolfe.
Wolf.
Wolf has 4 letters, pea brain.
Thomas Wolfe,
with a silent " E" on the end.
If you've read Bambi,
you're one up in this room.
That was a great flick.
The part I remember most...
Bambi's mother had great tits.
Roll, loser.
Be a credit to your race.
I think I'm supposed
to be driving with you.
That right?
What kind of rating you got?
Uh, EMT-2.
Hey, Bliss, he outranks you, man.
Ratings mean very little to me.
I'm just doing this for a brief period
of time before medical school.
The trick is
to try every related job once...
find out what it's all about,
and then move on.
Hey, Jugs!
OK, gentlemen.
We have a code 2, 1324 Mariposa.
Mr. Klein.
Mother.
Murdoch, you got it.
Oh, come on, Mother.
I took him down the last time.
Last time?
What is he, a hypochondriac?
Worse. He's a grunt.
It's a senior citizen to you.
Roll, will you?
You roll, too!
Ok. Come on, Malditesta.
Hey, Jugs!
Wait a minute.
It's my roll. I quit.
You gonna be childish about it?
Thank you for coming so quickly.
He's over there.
Yes, Mrs. Klein.
I know, Mrs. Klein.
I've been here before.
He's had another relapse.
Yes. I've been here before.
Yes. OK.
You get the bedclothes.
I'll take care of this.
Oh, jeez.
Phew.
Ooh!
Oh!
He's a sick man.
What are you,
too good for sick people?
Get away then. I'll put him on myself.
I'll put him on myself.
No, no. I... I...
I'll put him...
I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm really very sorry, Mrs. Klein.
It's OK.
Why do you have to do this...
every time I come, Mr. Klein, huh?
Come on.
Very careful.
This old grunt's worth a dozen trips
to the hospital every month.
They keep telling him he's getting
better and shipping him back...
but they...
they all know he's dying.
I bet you his old lady's reading over
that insurance policy right now.
As soon as we drop him off,
we'll go get a hamburger some place. OK?
Murdoch, I think he's dead.
What?
He's dead.
Oh, man.
How about that?
Jesus!
I hope his old lady
doesn't try to pin it on us.
Well, it's her own fault anyway.
She should have made the call a code 3.
Right?
Twins. 13 years old. Got it?
So I told them, why don't you both put
out for me, and I'll pretend you're 26?
- Ha ha ha! You got it?
- I got it.
Yeah.
Tell me, Murdoch, um...
Jugs... you must have
nailed her, right?
I, uh...
What?
I, well, no, not exactly. No.
Uh, yeah, she takes off
5 nights a week.
Nobody knows where she goes.
Nobody ever comes
to pick her up.
Uh...
- I think she's a lesbian, myself.
- Why's that?
Well, this may sound a little fatheaded,
but I rushed her pretty good.
You know what I mean?
And, uh, nada. Ha ha!
At first, I thought she was trying to
play hard to get, but then I realized...
If she didn't dig
a really dynamite guy like yourself...
she's probably not interested
in men in general, huh?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, something like that.
Yeah.
If you want to make small talk,
I don't have the time.
If you want a date,
the answer's no.
Excuse me.
I wanted a W-4 form to fill out.
Oh! Ha!
But you seem to be
so hung up on yourself...
it's a little difficult
to talk to you.
Thanks for the instant analysis.
That's all you give people time for.
Sniffing around Jugs, huh?
Hell, don't blame the boy for that.
I wouldn't mind wandering
through that melon field myself.
Ha ha ha!
Here. Pick one.
Cost you $5.00.
- What for?
- It's kind of a pool.
A lottery on how many stiffs
we bring in by midnight.
Say you pick number 9.
We bring exactly 9 bodies by midnight,
you won yourself 20 bucks.
That simple, huh?
Count me out.
We don't kill the people.
We just bet on them.
You seem to be a touch bashful
for a guy who used his badge...
to sell speed to little kids.
Wait a minute.
What speed? What little kids?
No little kids.
And it wasn't speed; it was coke.
Speed. Coke.
Hell, what's the difference?
Speed's an hallucinogen.
Eh, blow it out your ass, Bliss.
- I was acting on orders.
- From whom?
Al Capone.
What the hell are you doing
down here, driving with me?
I don't really know!
You better not fool around with him.
He knows Al Capone.
Who the hell is Al Capone?
Uh, some sissy.
No. No.
I have never cheated you,
and I'm not about to now.
Uh, now look, uh...
don't you call me a shyster.
If anybody's a shyster...
I'd just like a drink of water.
I won't even look this time.
I promise.
You can't get offended
if I don't even look.
Are you feeling all right?
Oh, hi.
I'm Naomi Fishbine.
You must be the new driver.
My Harry said you had
an odd sense of humor.
I'm... I'm... I'm very sorry.
I thought you were, uh, Jennifer.
Jennifer. I know, yes.
Well, she just left.
I usually take over for her
on the late shift.
Hello? Hello? Moran?
Isn't it exciting to be
part of a growing company?
Damn it!
Uh, Peaches, would you see if you could
reconnect me with Mr. Moran, huh?
Of course, doughnut.
How's it going, tiger?
Fine.
Moran, you back?
Yeah, right.
Thank you.
Enjoy.
Good evening.
Be with you in a minute.
People aren't meant
to celebrate alone.
But what I'm celebrating
I did alone.
Oh, uh, by the way...
thanks for filling Mother in
on the intimate details of my past.
As a matter of fact,
he was the one who filled me in.
Uh, he didn't mean anything by it.
He was just being protective,
just being Mother.
Oh, I understand.
Decent people can't be too careful
working around a convicted criminal.
Oh, I didn't think you'd been
convicted of anything, just accused.
I've been waiting for someone
to notice the difference.
Sit down, why don't you?
I don't mind.
What's your pleasure?
Cutty and water.
Uh...
will they decide
on your case soon?
Any year now.
It seems a strange time to, uh,
pick a new career for yourself.
You don't get paid
while you're on suspension.
This is the only other thing I'm
qualified for... human garbage collector.
Excuse me.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
I wouldn't say that around Mother.
He's easily offended, you know.
- Oh?
- Mm-mmm.
Yeah, you can tell
he's a very sensitive guy.
Cheers.
Hey, Mother's all right.
He's the best of them.
I trust him, and I like him.
Even though he calls you Jugs,
like the others?
Tsk. Well...
That name really seems
to upset you.
Well, your name is Malditesta.
How would you like
to be called Testes?
Come on, now.
That's not the same thing.
Mmm!
You know, they talk a lot
about you, the drivers...
Where you go at night,
what you do.
Murdoch thinks you're a lesbian.
I swear.
Murdoch couldn't get laid
in a whorehouse...
with a hundred-dollar bill
sticking out of his ear.
Now, that's where you go
after work, huh?
I knew we'd find out her real job
sooner or later.
Leave it alone, Murdoch.
Hey, come on, man.
We got a code 3. We're rolling.
We got to go to the university.
Oh, come on, Speed.
Somebody could be dying.
Good night. Come again.
Oh!
Hey, hey, hey!
I'll tell you when you can drive.
It took you long enough.
What happened?
Uh...
Seconal.
How many?
I can't tell. A whole lot.
A Dr. Sims will be waiting for her
at Angel of Mercy in Brentwood.
We'll meet you there.
Oh, well, uh, the medical center's
only two blocks away, sir.
She needs her stomach pumped.
OK.
- Mercy doesn't have an emergency room.
- Are you a doctor?
No, but I'm telling you,
she needs her stomach pumped.
Then do as you're told, damn it.
Uh, will you be taking
care of this bill, sir?
What is it?
That'll be $65.
Thank you.
OK. Let's move her out.
Excuse me, miss.
Excuse me, miss.
Thank you very much.
Watch your feet, ladies, please.
Watch your toes.
You wanted to drive, Speed?
OK.
You take the wheel.
Should I call ahead
to the hospital?
Murdoch!
What are you doing, man?
What the hell are you doing?
Get out.
Jesus! A move like that
could ruin my life.
- Get out!
- Eat shit!
Jesus Chri...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- You're not a cop anymore, you know.
- You don't have to be to call one.
Go ahead and call one. She's in
no condition to identify anybody.
Hey, wait a minute.
Everybody knows I drive this rig.
- That puts you in the back with her!
- Get in there!
Jesus!
You want something?
Ha ha ha!
Ah! Ha ha ha!
So where's the mayo?
On the side.
You should put it on the burger.
That way you wouldn't
waste the paper plates.
I lied 4 times in my life.
I stole apples when I was a kid.
I cheated on my wife once.
I even prayed for
the death of my in-laws.
All these things,
God will forgive me.
But putting mayonnaise
on a cheeseburger...
with peanut butter and onions...
is a sin you alone
will have to be responsible for.
I see the people next door
are up to 17 billion.
You must be letting
the occasional customer slip by.
Ha ha ha!
Don't worry about me.
Just worry about yourself and all that
crap you pour on that beautiful meat.
$1 .95.
Put it on my tab.
I already put your tab
on my bedroom wall, Mother.
That way, when I wake up
in the middle of the night...
I can look across the room
and see my grandchildren starving.
OK. Put the violin away.
Leroy, pay the man, will you, please?
What do you mean, " pay the man"?
I didn't eat anything.
- Pay the man.
- Come on. $1 .95.
You gonna let him call me cheap?
Keep the change.
These people live
on their tips, you know.
Unit One, a code 2 at 27 Hayes Avenue.
An addict for voluntary commitment.
Her doctor is with her.
Code 2.
Let Rodeo and Bliss take it.
Man, you know, the way I feel sometimes,
they can just take it all.
Ha ha ha!
I'll give you your $2.00 back, man.
Ha ha ha!
- No, it's not that.
- Well, what is it?
Well, look at me.
I'm 25 years old.
- I got $8.37 in the bank.
- OK.
The only chicks I meet are hemorrhaging
or have bullet holes in them.
You know,
if you'd put some fertilizer...
underneath that sad-looking mustache
you tryin' to grow...
you'd probably get about 3 or 4.
Come on, Mr. Tucker.
I know you're out there.
But what's it all for?
It's for the greater glory of some
jive-ass crook like Harry Fishbine.
Well, you get to ride
in the cockamamie rig...
keep your own beer,
play your own tapes...
work whenever you want to.
I mean, where else
you gonna get that?
Goodhue? Schaefer?
Uh-uh.
You work for them,
you work strictly by the book...
so some jive movie star
don't sue your butt off.
That's no way to live.
No, that's right, man.
It's no way to live.
Huh.
Done with this?
Yeah.
Come bury it.
Coffee?
Bromo.
Eh...
Goddamn it, Mother.
Everybody else is on a call.
Move your ass!
Yes, sir, Mr. Harry.
We're coming right now.
You son of a bitch.
We got the, uh,
arm and leg restraints?
I'll get that crap.
You just go make nice
with the doctor.
Now, uh,
now let's be cool, lady.
I need drugs.
Yeah, well, I'm hip...
um, and we'll get you some, OK?
But now let's just...
let's take it easy, OK?
Morphine or demerol.
Whatever you got.
Ok, oh, well, you see, we don't,
uh, carry any drugs in the rig...
at least not the kind
you're looking for.
But I'll get you some, OK?
But now...
why don't you
just put away the gun?
Now, I wouldn't shit you, lady.
We don't carry it.
It's the law.
Liar!
No!
Ambulance needs
a black and white.
Ambulance needs a black and white.
Woman with a gun.
Homicide at 210 Howland Canal.
You come out of there!
Leroy?
Oh, God.
Answer me!
You come out of there!
Put that gun down.
Put it down!
Code 3, use caution.
Code 3, code 3, use caution.
Mother, you know you're not supposed
to carry a piece in your rig.
Cars 9 and 14. Cars 9 and 14...
When we match that slug
to his .357...
he'll lose his ambulance license
for sure.
I tell you right now,
they don't match.
Hmm.
Yeah, if that's not the biggest
hunk of buckshot I ever saw...
How'd you like to go
back to busting gay bars?
We're about done here, Mother.
Go home. Get some sleep.
We'll take Leroy with us.
No.
I'll take him home myself.
Sorry, Mother.
I really am.
Oh, as much as I
hate to break the mood...
it's, uh, it's midnight.
8 bodies.
I drew number 8.
Any objections, huh?
I'm terribly sorry, Mother.
Deeply sorry.
I suppose this is a rather
inopportune time to mention it...
but we didn't include Leroy.
That makes 9 bodies.
No one drew 9.
Hey. Wait a minute.
Leroy doesn't count,
for Christ's sake.
He's, uh...
I didn't mean it that way, Mother.
I didn't.
Here. I'll split it with you.
I, uh... Take the whole thing.
Ohh!
Oh, God.
Oh!
Oh, come on, man. Are you crazy?
Hey, stop it.
All right. That's enough.
Hey, take it easy, Mother.
Stop it, Mother.
Stop it, Mother.
That's enough.
Knock it off.
Aw, Mother...
Come on, Mother.
Bliss, you chicken, get the hose!
Man, come on. Get up.
Goddamn... Aah!
Stupid nigger!
Now, I know that it's fourth and 20...
and I know that
every other schmuck in the world...
would just drop back and punt...
but that's what separates
the men from the ladies.
- Boys.
- Now, we're gonna pass.
We're gonna pass, we're gonna pass,
and we're gonna score.
Now then, first things...
- First.
- first.
This franchise is not going under.
Mother, you're gonna
double up with Tony here...
till I get a couple
of new drivers.
- I drive alone.
- Out of the question.
- I drive alone!
- I said, out of the question!
You send me out on
the code twos only.
That frees Rodeo and Bliss
to go out on the tough stuff.
- One man in a rig is illegal.
- Everything about this place is illegal.
Good morning, Mr. Fishbine.
Did I send for you?
No. I would like
to see you about something.
Well, thank you for coming.
Get out your pad.
I don't have a pad.
I never had a pad.
Well, then, start.
Now, look, Mother.
What about Tony here?
Who does he drive with?
He doesn't have the experience.
Uh, pardon me.
Are we running a vocational school
for moonlighters?
I mean, no offense to you, Speed.
Don't worry about me, Harry...
Now, look, Mother.
Mother, you know how much this next week
means to me, to all of us.
When Taylor over at Unity hears about
this, he's really gonna put on the heat.
Now, if you leave me with only
one rig to respond to code 3s...
Now, wait a minute.
You're in no position
to argue, Mother!
You'll be lucky if Murdoch
doesn't sue you for assault.
He sues me,
I'll beat on him again.
Anyway, you drive my hours...
you listen to my music...
and you pay for your own beer.
And yours, too,
from what I understand.
- Yeah.
- But I accept your apology.
OK, understand now.
Whether you make it or not,
I mean, I couldn't care less.
If you're gonna try, then you
might as well learn from the best.
- Mm-hmm.
- OK.
Just behave yourself.
- So this is where you went after work.
- That's it.
I am now a qualified EMT-1
and ambulance driver.
When do I start?
Honey, when I get hard up enough
to hire a woman driver...
I'll be dead two years.
But you need drivers.
Now, look, sweetheart,
we got enough problems already...
just trying to get people into
the ambulances in the first place.
All we got to do is hire a woman driver,
put her behind the wheel...
and most people would rather bleed
to death right there in the street.
It took me months
to complete these courses.
I'm just as qualified as any man.
Look. The diplomas says so.
All right. Why don't you
just try Unity, huh?
Go on. See how far this
high-class toilet paper gets you.
I bet you Taylor
won't even take you on.
He's got 15 kinds of liberation
coming out his ass.
I don't want to work for Unity.
I want to work here.
You are working here,
sweetheart.
Now, look.
I'll make you a deal.
You get back to that switchboard,
and I'll have this framed, huh?
Mr. Fishbine...
frame that.
Oh!
Son of a gun.
Oh.
OK.
- Hey, beautiful.
- Yeah?
They leave you alone on a code 3?
That's right.
Well, lead on, gorgeous.
We'll help you out.
OK.
Hello.
This is Jennifer in Unit Two.
Mrs. Fishbine?
Jennifer, what are you doing?
Never mind.
Have we got any calls, anything,
a code 2, 3?
- What in the world are you doing?
- Mrs. Fishbine, listen carefully.
In the drawer
underneath the switchboard...
there's a red book with the names of
the phony patients we carry... got it?
- Now, if you could just...
- Phony patients?
Yes. The names of the people we give
a kickback to after the county pays us.
Now, I need a name and an address
near the intersection of, um...
My Harry
would never do such a thing.
I am not looking for any such book
because there is no book.
6 to 5 you run out of gas...
before they do.
All right, lady.
What the hell do you think you're...
Oh, thank God you're here.
Oh, I got to get him
to the hospital immediately.
The sooner the better.
- The whole stove blew up.
- Oh, my God. Take it easy now.
Don't you know F&B?
The best darn service in the city.
That's right.
Here we go.
Thank you, Officer.
Easy does it.
Easy, easy.
Oh, Officer, your car seems to be
blocking the alleyway.
Would you mind?
Thank you very much.
- Hospital. Hospital.
- Yes, yes.
Oh! Oh!
Christ, that was good.
Would you believe? I've never been
more terrified in my life. Whoo!
Here. Let me help you.
Did you see the expression
on his face?
- You were brilliant.
- No, you were brilliant.
I've decided that you're either someone
very special or a very talented liar.
- I'm not terribly special.
- Liar.
What's wrong?
It's just that I... I don't want you
to misunderstand my feelings.
I think we should
both know where we stand.
You tell me.
Well, later on, for instance,
when you take me home...
you'll want to make love to me,
but you won't.
I won't?
No. Because we both know...
that I'm not the type
to roll over on the first date.
You're not?
So you wait a couple of nights
and, uh, feel better about it...
then make your move.
And?
We'll have wasted 3 whole days.
Well...
they don't call me Speed
for nothing.
Let's hope they don't
call you Speed for everything.
OK, Jennifer, now, look.
I can take a joke
as well as the next guy...
but if you don't
return that rig PDQ...
there's gonna be some criminal charges
involved around here.
Just promise me
you'll be the arresting officer.
Now, listen, sweetheart.
If you can't face me for some reason,
at least report your position.
Oh, maybe I should
take the rig back after all.
You can't.
I locked you in.
You have to perform an unnatural act
to find the keys.
Well, give me a hint.
Oh! Oh!
Ha ha ha!
If that's the way you look
after a good night's rest...
you ought to stay awake
for the rest of your life.
- Why don't you take some oxygen?
- I'll be all right.
- Yeah.
- Thank God it's a quiet morning.
That's just what I was thinking.
At Greenville Hills Country Club.
See the club attendant.
Code 3.
Hello.
Uh, that wouldn't be a Unity call
we're responding to?
It's a code 3,
and it's just 4 blocks away.
Can we help it if
we're humanitarians?
Eighth green. He got smacked
in the head by a drive.
We're bringing him in.
You can't drive that thing across there.
You'll wreck the course.
Keep off the green!
Go around!
Put him down, idiot.
It's all right.
I'm a doctor.
Christ, today's Wednesday.
You must all be doctors.
You just sent this man into shock.
What are you, a vet?
I happen to be the finest
dermatologist in the city.
Yeah. Well, if acne breaks out,
we'll let you know.
Here. You take the wood covers,
fill them up with sand, please.
All right.
Ton, you hold his neck straight until
we can wedge him in on either side.
Oh, damn!
Uh, thanks a lot, Albert.
We got him.
No. We ain't leaving here
without him, Mother.
You don't shaft this nigger
twice in one week.
Please, Albert, not in mixed company.
We were here first.
That's what the injuns
keep saying, Jim.
This man is an epileptic.
Here. Hold his head, Tony.
You better sit on his legs here.
Give me that putter there.
Give me that putter.
Sit on his legs.
Sit on his legs!
For crying out loud,
sit on his legs!
Think that's gonna help?
Thank you.
OK. Thank you, Albert.
Thank you.
Thank you, Albert.
Smooth job, Mother.
We'll take it from here.
Hey, man, I earned this.
Too true, man, but face it...
even though you got
the baddest rig in town...
how you gonna get this dude downtown
on two flat tires?
No, you didn't.
You must have run over
a couple of them new steel tees.
No, you didn't.
You're gonna get the bill
for that, Taylor.
You know, those tires your boys slashed,
they weren't scooter tires.
No, sir.
They... They were...
- $64.50.
- They were $64.50.
- And they didn't slash the tires.
- That's right, $64.50 apiece, times two.
You know what... Well, you're
gonna find out what that is.
- They just let the air out.
- I know what they did. Well, why'd you...
Don't tell me.
After yesterday, the switchboard
suddenly looks good to you, huh?
I heard about what happened, Jugs.
You stick to your guns.
Women drivers are long overdue.
You know, sweetheart, I could have you
arrested for stealing an ambulance.
Mr. Moran advises me otherwise.
He says since I'm an accredited driver
and technically in your employ...
- Moran? When did you talk to that crook?
- This morning.
He says I have an airtight
discrimination in employment suit...
which could bankrupt this company.
This company is bankrupt.
Now, look, sweetheart, you'd
have to live with the other drivers.
Do you realize that?
Sleep with them.
I can't afford
separate quarters for you...
and what about when those guys start
sleepwalking about 3:00 in the morning?
No upper berth will be too high.
I can promise you that.
And then you got some half-assed Romeo
like Tony moving in on you...
- I've already slept with him.
- Oh, fantastic!
Close.
Look.
It works out just great.
- No, it doesn't.
- It does. She rides with Speed.
No way!
You wouldn't want to break up
a matched couple, right?
OK. Then I get my rig back.
Now, that gives you an extra unit.
Thanks very much, Mother.
- And I'd like one with clean sheets.
- Why don't you be nice?
"Be nice."
This girl's too green.
I can't send her out with somebody
who's been driving less than a week.
Then I'll ride with Mother and Tony
until I'm broken in.
No women allowed in my rig unless
they're flat on my back and bleeding.
But you just said you were
in favor of women driving.
- I am, but not in my rig. Now...
- What about my rights?
Oh, you got your rights,
and I have mine. Now...
Well, I'm afraid you gentlemen have
left me with no alternative. I'll sue.
Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.
Get me Moran on the phone.
Yeah. Get Whiplash.
I am not a secretary anymore.
You will be, damn it!
You will be after I straighten him out!
Give him hell, Harry!
Unit One.
Oh, Unit One?
Unit One.
Mr. Tucker, you have a code 3.
415 West Washington.
Unit One, 10-4.
I was supposed to
ride this rig alone.
Now I don't have any room
for the patient.
Hello.
I'm up here.
Just come up the stairs.
I was just going out
to get the mail...
so I didn't bother
to put on any underwear...
and by the time
I felt the zipper catch...
it was too late.
Jugsy!
Put the gurney down.
This is it.
Life or death.
Finally got your chance.
Oh, no.
Come back here.
Does she have to?
Uh, yes, sir,
she's first-rate, the best we got...
with the dedication
of a jungle missionary.
I'm all thumbs myself.
You are disgusting.
- Yes.
- Mother, I...
No. Wait, wait.
What is this?
Selective medical attention?
That's beautiful.
First day riding with me,
and you're a specialist?
Get in there.
Aah!
It's really stuck in there.
Yank it down.
No!
Well, look, champ.
You want to sit there like that
for the rest of your life?
- Uh-uh.
- OK.
I'll try to be as careful as I can.
Oh, please.
Now, don't excite the man.
That thing swells up, those zipper marks
are gonna look like tire tracks.
Oww! Ohh!
Well, he said he'd only
be in there 20 minutes.
Institute of Sexual Awareness.
Oh, that feels good.
Take it down here.
Ahh, that's so nice.
Hey, what's the
"Tahitian Titillation"?
The same thing you're getting,
except I wear a sarong.
I see. And... Ooh!
Oh, I knew it was
too good to be true.
- Mother.
- Hello, Marsha.
What have you got for a hangover?
A dime for a cup of coffee.
Oh! A mean one.
Gimme the B-12, please.
All right, darling.
Bend over and drop your veil.
All right.
But no funny stuff this time.
Honey, if you can't tell
which one is the needle by now...
Hey, what's that?
Nothing.
Really.
Well, how often a year
do you get a telegram?
You've been reinstated.
You going back?
Unit One.
A code 3.
Unit One, 10-1.
Lucky's Market,
2611 Lincoln Boulevard.
The woman is in labor.
We're on our way. 10-4.
I'll get Mother.
Oh, we'll be back
before he notices we're gone.
So it's a woman in labor.
We're both fully accredited,
and you can drive this rig.
I'll do it.
- You ready?
- Wait.
- Ready.
- Ready?
Go.
How close are we?
It's her fifth baby.
Any second.
Uh, Southside Emergency.
5 blocks down.
Take a right.
Dr. Binder. Dr. Binder, line 3, please.
What do you got?
- She's giving birth any second.
- Who's her doctor?
- She hasn't got one.
- Then she goes to County.
- There's no time.
- We're full up here.
Besides, we don't handle
obstetrics in Emergency.
I don't think you understood me.
This woman's about to have a baby.
And I don't think you understood me.
We don't handle that here.
The quicker you get her out, the better
chance you have to making it to County.
- Let's go.
- But wait...
Let's go.
How much farther?
5 or 6 minutes.
Tony. Tony!
It's coming.
All right.
Bear down.
Unh!
Push.
The head's coming out.
Here he comes. Yes.
- OK.
- Bear down.
There it is.
Ha ha! You're a mother.
Ha ha ha ha!
Look.
- It's all right.
- Look there.
My God.
She's hemorrhaging.
It's not working.
I can't stop it.
Keep trying.
Tony?
It's all right, Jennifer.
We have to cut the cord.
Oh, we're not supposed to.
That's for the doctor.
The, uh... The hospital.
It's all right, Jennifer.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Everything will be all right, Jen.
I think I'll go down to the corner
for some coffee. Want some?
I can make it,
unless you want the walk.
It's not the fact
that it happened, Jen.
It's just that...
I felt so damn helpless.
Mr. Christian?
I want you.
You, too, Bubbles.
Got a big meeting
down at City Hall.
Harry wants a show of force,
and we're it.
Uh, if you understand me,
rap on the wall.
I'll get the coffee.
Snow white and 7 cubes for me.
Got it hand it to you, Jugs.
One quick flip in the sack,
and you got him going for the coffee.
Oh, you're good.
Doesn't anything
bother you anymore?
You've been playing that stupid role
so long that...
nothing finally moves you anymore?
So a couple of people
died in the van last night, huh?
I held a bloody baby in my arms.
Watched the mother...
And what you witnessed...
was a massive hemorrhage...
which no doctor in the world
could have stopped...
with the equipment
that we carry in that rig.
You did your best.
You saved the kid.
But that doesn't count.
You know, if every driver
who lost two patients in one day quit...
we wouldn't have any drivers.
You go around stomping and
demanding rights and responsibility.
Well, you got it.
And this is as good as it gets.
"We don't take obstetrics here."
That's what he said.
It's just... not good enough.
Because it doesn't fit
your idea of life.
Because people don't suffer
the way you want them to.
So what are you gonna do?
You're gonna pull a Speed and bail out
because you can't live your fantasies?
How am I gonna get my coffee?
Mouth-to-mouth or what?
Keep your back turned, Mother.
I got to get some clothes on.
Now then,
since we're all here...
Bluntly, gentlemen...
the operating records
of your two companies...
are, to be generous, dismal.
Granted,
you're both understaffed...
with insufficient equipment,
forced to work long hours.
Um, Mr. Warren,
my company is still young...
but I feel that we are
vitally important to the area.
Give us a chance to grow, to, uh,
proliferate through the community.
Yeah. Like syphilis.
I should like to point out...
that the counsel
notes with admiration...
the efforts Mr. Taylor has made
to hire minorities.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
What about a woman?
Does he have a woman?
I do.
She's out there somewhere.
They're right behind me.
This, uh...
This is, uh, the woman...
and, uh, I feel that
she's worth 4 blacks...
the future draft rights
to 3 Chicanos...
and a Chinaman
to be named later, sir.
You bet she is.
We will get a woman.
I mean, as soon as we get
separate bunk room facilities.
Didn't you try that one on Jugs?
Yeah. She wouldn't buy it.
Gentlemen, please.
These arguments are academic.
By all rights, the logical choice
for the city to make...
is the Unity Company.
Somebody greased him.
Why didn't you get in there
and make an offer?
You can't bribe a city official
with an IOU.
Well, Your Honor, I object.
All right.
I object to the objection, sir.
He cannot object...
Mr. Moran,
this is not a court of law.
You can't object to anything here,
and you can't...
I object to this whole
rotten, stinking fix.
This is still the United States
of America, goddamn it.
Los Angeles, California.
Land of the free
and home of the...
Rams and the Dodgers.
Gentlemen...
the city council has voted freely
and democratically, Mr. Fishbine...
not to award the territory
to either one of you.
What? No. Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
Please.
In short,
since neither company...
has facilities and equipment necessary
to service the entire area...
the new contracts will be awarded
to an existing larger company.
There must be another way, Mr. Warren.
It has to be.
My men did not go through
months of training...
and sacrifice to themselves
and their families...
to be thrown out of work.
You cannot wipe that effort out
with one stroke of a bureaucratic pen.
What if we merged?
- Merge?
- I mean, become one company.
Then we'd be strong enough
and large enough...
to service the area.
I don't know.
Well, in my opinion...
and speaking, uh, ex officio...
so to speak...
uh, such a company
would have to operate...
under a period of probation...
- Accepted.
- to which...
Accepted.
Now what do you have
to say to that, Fishbine?
What would we call it?
Unity.
It has the right ring to it.
You know, under the circumstances.
Well, I kind of like F&B.
It's, uh, catchy.
What can I tell you?
Tell me something, Fishbine...
What in the hell does F&B stand for?
Fishbine and what?
Fish and bine.
Well, I couldn't call it
the " F" Ambulance Company, could I?
I assume that none of you drivers
has any objection to this arrangement.
I'd consider it
a rare opportunity...
to drive with an Afro-American
on a one-to-one basis.
Well, after you, I'd sooner
drive with a walleyed pygmy.
I hate to break up Brotherhood Week
here, gentlemen...
but I don't agree...
and these men
all have contracts with me.
- Mr. Taylor.
- Yes?
Code 3 at 425 Rose Avenue.
That's 425 Rose Avenue.
What kind of a setup...
425 Rose Avenue?
Why do I know that address?
Holy shit! That's F&B!
Come on! Get rolling!
Let's go!
Gentlemen, we're not through yet!
We're not through.
Mrs. Fishbine.
Come in, Mrs. Fishbine.
Come in, Mrs. Fishbine.
Hello?
Where is everybody?
Huh?
Uh, my friend and I
are waiting, goddamn it!
Murdoch, what the hell
are you doing down there?
Hey, my friend Walker and I...
we came by
to get his pants, right?
Somebody stole his pants.
Uhh...
that's a hell of a thing
to do to a guy, you know?
I mean, jeez, that's a hell of...
But especially Walker
because he's sick, man.
Murdoch, you're stoned.
He needs an ambulance, man,
and I came here...
and there's nobody here...
and I called Unity,
and they wouldn't come, either.
Mother beats the shit out of me...
Walker breaks his leg...
and nobody gives a damn!
They don't care! They don't care!
Nobody cares!
I care. I care very deeply
about your friend's pants.
- No, you don't! You're lying!
- I do.
You don't care, Mrs. Fishbine!
Oh!
I think I'm gonna end it all.
Oh, but you
have so much to live for.
I know I do.
I wasn't talking about me.
I was talking about you.
Oh! Oh!
How could I have done it?
How could I have done it?
How could I have missed?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Fishbine.
I didn't mean to scare you
like that.
You better call the police.
We'll be there before they will.
- You know something, Naomi?
- Hmm?
I never noticed this before, but...
you're a hell of a good-looking woman,
you know that?
He really is stoned.
Thank you, Dick.
My name is John.
He's got a gun!
He hasn't got the guts.
Dick! No!
Tony!
Hey, shut up!
Hey! Hey!
Let's have a look.
I got him, man!
No! Don't!
He's sure gone nuts,
you know that?
The stupid thing's
become a goddamn zoo.
Well, you're the one who has to
clean out the cages, Speed.
Thank God.
It went right through.
Hope it didn't put a hole
in my door.
All right.
Just relax, everyone.
Ha ha! Hey!
Whoa!
Walker, what the hell are you doing?
Any hostages in there?
Uh, just Mrs. Fishbine...
which really doesn't give him
that much to bargain with.
Let's head for Harry.
That way, your deputy will be
close to a rig when he gets shot.
Hey, Albert, you got any stuff
in your rig? Tony's shot.
Yeah.
You fellas pull your rig across
the street and block it off there.
We don't want to get anybody
inadvertently perpetrated.
I think we better get
a SWAT team in here.
Excellent suggestion.
No. No SWAT. I've seen
what they do to buildings on TV.
Do I make that call, Sergeant?
Why don't you go
around the back, Harvey...
and draw their fire for a while?
Why don't you go with them, Custer?
Hey, you from Texas?
Lubbock. Born and bred.
No shit.
I'm from Amarillo.
Is that right?
All right.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
I'd say this was close enough without
further authorization, wouldn't you?
The way I see it...
cut off from the others like we are...
I'm sort of forced to use
my own initiative here.
Walker, what the hell
are you doing?
Walker!
Harry, the office.
Huh?
If I remember right,
you got it insured for about $1 .93.
Get in there, Sheriff.
Somebody do something.
Our company's going up in smoke!
Our company?
What are you talking about,
our company?
Ha ha! Hey!
- Harry, aren't you forgetting something?
- What?
Well, your wife's in there.
Oh, my God!
Peaches, get in there, baby!
Stamp out those flames!
Go on!
Go on! Come on, Peaches!
Davey, I'm gonna phone it in.
Now let me get my rig out of there.
Don't let me down, baby!
I'm with you!
What's the code for fire?
I already called it in.
Don't shoot, Murdoch!
Mother!
Bang, bang.
I got him!
All cars in the vicinity
of Bayshore and Royal:
Shots being fired.
Code 3. Code 3. Use caution.
I got him.
Hey, fella, that's evidence.
He couldn't count to 6.
Hey, Sheriff.
You guys handle this already?
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
Peaches!
What the hell happened to you?
Pete.
Well, so long, kid.
You know,
I'm gonna miss you, Officer.
What? Oh.
- Detective.
- Ah, whatever, huh?
- Good luck, Harry.
- You, too, tiger.
I hope your wife
feels better soon.
She better.
Her hospitalization here
is only good for two days.
Ha ha ha!
Taylor, you want something here?
- Coffee.
- Right.
Relax.
Somebody had to fill in.
Yeah.
So quit.
You proved your point.
Oh, by the way...
here's my key.
My shift ends around 8:00...
and my favorite dinner
is rare lamb chops with mint sauce.
There's some laundry
in the closet.
Whenever you get a chance,
laundromat's two blocks down La Cienega.
Well, thank goodness
I don't do windows.
Fishbine and Unity.
- Here's another one, man.
- Hmm?
Listen. Tell me, what kind
of entry is this, partner?
$250 for footballs?
Who do you like
in the Denver game Sunday?
Minnesota.
- 10 points.
- 9.
- You got a bet, sweetheart.
- You better believe it.
By the way, what do you people
take in your coffee?
If you had any sense, Albert,
you'd stop right there.
- You know, Mother?
- What?
Now that it's all official...
I wouldn't mind sharing a rig
with a jive-ass old dude like you.
If you clean up
your act a little.
923 Woolsey Drive.
Code 2.
Well, I appreciate
your offer, Albert...
but I already have a partner...
Jugs here.
Happens to be one of the finest
shotgun riders in the city.
How do you like your lamb chops?
You wouldn't happen to have a bottle
of dry chablis in here, would you?
Yes.
Right next to
the brandy Alexanders.
Oh.
Well, if you're gonna drive with me,
you're gonna have to shape up.
I mean, no one wears
yellow tennis shoes with red socks.
You'll shave every day...
and stop calling me Jugs.
Are you deeply religious, Jugs?
Not particularly.