Mouthpiece (2018) Movie Script
1
- Come on!
- I got one! I got one!
- Yes!
- Not cool.
I'm not doing any more shots.
Yes!
Hi, Cassie.
I'm not feeling very well,
I'm not...
gonna go lie down for a bit.
I'm gonna leave my ringer
on, in case you call.
- What the fuck?
- My heart is racing but...
very tired.
Get up.
Danny, what's happening?
I-I have all these missed
calls... Mom? And...?
What?
What?
What is it?
What... what about...?
No!
What! No it's not!
No!
No!
No!
No!
Hi, sweetheart,
it's your Auntie.
I know it must be tough,
this has all been so sudden.
But, as you know,
everyone is still here
from the Christmas family
reunion.
Anyway, we're all gonna
meet day after tomorrow,
to give your Mom...
just a... a beautiful send-off.
So, I know it's a lot to ask,
honey,
but do you think that you
could pick out the flowers,
and the food for the reception?
We'll all chip in, of course,
but that would just be
such a great help.
Aw, Cassie, she's not
really gone now, is she?
She's still here,
she's watchin' over us.
She's gonna...
she's gonna be there
on your wedding day,
and she's gonna be there
when you have your first baby.
And you become a mom.
A mom yourself, your mom
will be watching over you.
And uh...
I-I know you're the writer
in the family, um,
but we've all talked about it,
and uh, your brother's
agreed to give the eulogy.
So... Danny?
Anyway, that's-that's
really all I've got for now,
so just call.
Love, love.
Cass!
Cass! Open the door!
Cass!
Cass.
Come on, I know you're in here!
I'm on the toilet!
I'll be done in a minute!
She was at the kitchen
table having lemon loaf,
and like,
her face was in the lemon loaf.
Why are you telling me that?
Now I have to think about that.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm sorry you had to see that.
I'm sorry.
Fuck, man. Mom.
Yeah.
Yeah, Mom.
Like, where is she?
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
Last week she was singing louder
than everyone else put together.
How could she...
How could she be...
I mean, what did they say?
911, what is your emergency?
Auntie Jane says
there's history of strokes
in our family.
God, she keeps calling every
five minutes to talk it over,
and fucking do stuff, and...
Amber is nursing
and going crazy.
I don't even know what sleep
is like anymore.
Look, um, I-I'll deal
with it, okay?
I'll deal with everything.
I'll give the eulogy.
Isn't that like,
like a really bad idea,
- I mean for you, what happened...
- Danny, I'm sure.
And for everyone else, too?
I'm sure. There's no other
option. I'm doing it, okay?
Cass, people wanna cry
at these things. You're like...
Like what?
Oh fuck off, come on!
Go now, you did good!
Go take care of Amber,
and little baby monkey head.
I'm... getting dressed,
and I'm leaving the house
right now.
It's okay to lose it.
- Danny, there is no time.
- I'm in a towel, you're leaving.
Funeral's in two days.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can't. I can't do this.
I can do it.
I can do it. I can do it.
Okay.
What do you wear
to your mother's funeral?
Mom would've wanted me
to wear black.
Well, now I can just wear
what I wanna wear.
There's no one left to
care what I look like.
What?
Aunt Jane? Aunt Kathy?
Danny? Dad? Uncle Jake?
The woman who runs the
funeral parlour? Everybody.
- Guy who moved in upstairs.
- Exactly.
Whatever. I don't care
about this shit.
Yeah, well Mom cared.
Mom didn't have to try.
Mom was just like...
effortless.
That was her whole thing,
looking good.
Wasn't her whole thing,
that's not what I'm saying.
I'm just gonna wear
what I always wear.
Pants and a shirt.
Why is this so complicated?
Just don't read those magazines,
like Mom did.
Why am I still standing here?
I don't care about this.
I'm above this!
It's all bullshit anyway.
It's all meaningless!
Mom would've hated those shoes.
Well, Mom's dead!
So, now I should
just be comfortable.
Well, whatever I choose,
Mom would've wanted me
to wear nylons.
We'll get some fuckin' nylons,
then.
Good morning, Mrs. Heywood,
this is Barbara calling, again.
From the Turner and Porter
Funeral Home.
We still haven't heard
from you regarding the casket
and arrangements
for the funeral.
So, if you could just give
us a call...
We've got cedar,
uh, cherry wood is a really
nice option.
You know, if you're
interested in something
a little bit more eco friendly,
we've got a brand new line
of organic burial pods.
They're very popular right now.
What would your mother
have liked?
Um...
What did she love?
What did she actually,
really love?
Mrs. Heywood?
What common tree is part
of the Cupressaceae family?
- What is cedar?
- What is cedar?
- That is correct.
- That's my favourite smell.
Mrs. Heywood?
Cedar.
Cedar is good.
Lovely choice.
Let me just get you
a quote on that.
Thank you.
Friends and family,
Elaine Heywood loved cedar.
- Mrs. Heywood?
- I have your quote.
Okay.
Mrs. Heywood.
- Ms.
- Ms.
This is such a difficult time.
Grief can manifest itself
in unexpected ways.
You're suffering
such a profound loss.
It's so important that
you find your ways,
to express it.
Grief is our way of saying
we know you're dead.
Okay. I got to go
get the nylons.
Mom was uh...
she told jokes,
she told stories.
She was like, a really
good storyteller.
- She was so nice.
- She was the nicest.
The kindest woman I ever met.
That's true.
She gave everything to everyone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa!
Don't cut so close
to the tracks!
Okay. Okay. Fuck, okay,
okay, okay.
- Watch the tracks!
- Okay, okay!
The dangly ones.
Aw.
I don't wanna look like
I'm trying too hard.
- More for a fancy ball?
- Yeah, this is not a ball.
Then what is it?
It's a book launch,
with some of mommy's old
work friends.
Are you working with them again?
Well, we'll see.
Maybe if I wear
the right earrings.
- What are you writing?
- Hmm.
Sometimes it's nice to make
a note
of what might be the big
moments of your life.
Hmm.
- Hello?
- Hi.
- Good morning, Putsy.
- What time is it there?
It is 7:00 a.m.
- How'd your thing go?
- Oh, you know.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
Well, maybe when you
submit your piece.
No, no. You can't take
your foot of the pedal
and expect everyone to
invite you back into the race.
You should've heard them
laugh when I told them
the hours I'd need
because of the kids.
Listen to me.
You're a great editor,
you're a great writer.
No.
It's not gonna happen.
I can feel it.
- I can barely keep up here.
- Yeah.
Maybe.
Listen, um,
George asked me to stay
a couple more weeks,
- 'til we deliver.
- Oh.
Yeah, sorry.
- Okay, okay.
- I'm sorry.
- And look who's here.
- Did they work?
- What, honey?
- The earrings.
No.
What are you doing up?
I'm hungry.
- Oh okay, well.
- Talk to your daddy,
and I will get you some
hot milk with honey.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Lutsy.
Why are you hungry?
The babysitter gave us
chicken nuggets
that were wet
from the corn water.
Uh oh.
Why can't you just babysit us?
Well, I can't because
I'm very busy
doing very important
things, sweetheart.
Making the car window up
and downers?
That's right, making the
car window up and downers.
But we always have a babysitter.
Honey, you never have
a babysitter!
The last one
was four months ago!
But she ate the Doritos.
Sweetheart, it's time
to go back to bed, okay?
Can you say goodbye to
Mommy, for me?
- Okay. Night, Daddy.
- Goodnight, sweetheart.
- Daddy says goodbye.
- Oh.
Okay.
Here. Straight to bed.
Just try one bite.
You have to try things.
Hello?
Hi, in here!
Hi! Nice dress!
Thanks.
Yeah, she slept
in it on the couch, all night!
Uh, everyone ready for a movie?
All aboard for "Mrs. Doubtfire"?
Yeah! "Mrs. Doubtfire"!
Have fun. Thanks.
Can we get hot dogs?
Mom made terrible soup.
Tastes like Vimy Ridge.
Women will have achieved
true equality
when men share with them
the responsibility
of bringing up the next
generation.
Ladies and gentlemen,
friends and family,
Elaine Heywood was the kindest,
most generous woman anyone
in this room's ever met.
Wow!
Nailed it!
You just like,
that just totally captured
Mom's essence!
That's it!
My Mother was a doormat.
She laid down for people
to walk all over her.
Slammin' the door in her face.
Wiping their feet on her mouth.
My Mother never said a word.
- What do you want?
- What do I want?
I want a non-shitty,
three-dimensional eulogy.
And nylons.
It's too hot in here.
Take off
your stupid, puffy coat.
Oof!
Excuse me? Hi.
Uh, where are the nylons?
- What colour?
- We have tinted, or nude?
Butterscotch and chocolate.
There's oatmeal,
there's mochaccino,
but non-fat for me, please.
- Abort!
- You want Spanx?
- Crotchless?
- You don't know.
Okay, why don't you just...
come with me.
Sure.
- You know what?
- What?
I'm rethinking the nylons thing.
Yeah?
This is my homage to Mom.
It's beautiful!
I'm not high enough
on your body.
- Really becoming.
- Reminds me of her.
- Really, really nice.
- Got detailing.
It's got ruching. Also, the bow.
Oh yeah, the ruching
really gives you flavourful.
- It's not high enough, though.
- I need something higher.
Funeral veil? Appropriate?
- Theme wear, baby.
- Funeral appropriate?
- Mom loved a theme.
- Too soon, maybe?
Yeah, too soon.
Oh shit. I lost the lady.
Hello?
- Hey, check it out.
- Mom actually had one of these.
"Gerta's Girdles help you
curb your curves,
from waist to hip."
Maybe we need to get one.
Excuse me, sir, you're so tall.
I can't quite...
would you mind reaching.
- Sure, of course.
- Which colour would you like?
- I don't know.
- What colour do you think?
Uh...
burgundy seems to suit you.
- Burgundy, it is.
- Okay.
Maybe we need to get one.
Tummy tamer. Spanxerator.
Did I go too far? Sorry.
Just let me in.
No wonder she was so fucked up.
- What? What are you talking...
- Shut up! God!
I just need a second
and get my head straight!
- Don't be a dick!
- Open the door!
- What?
- Just think about it.
I never saw Mom eat
a French fry.
Okay.
Like, not in my entire life,
did I ever see Mom
even taste a fry.
She didn't order them,
because she didn't
wanna get fat.
Everything okay in her,
sweetheart?
Can I get you anything?
A bigger size?
A control top? They hide
a multitude of sins.
No uh,
I don't need that.
She couldn't just like,
have a glass of wine. She had
to have a white wine spritzer.
And I never saw her eat
a croissant, ever.
- What's that?
- Uh, thanks, Shirley.
I'm just practicing a speech.
- Oh, a speech.
- That is super exciting!
What for?
Trying to write a eulogy.
For my Mom.
Oh, sweetheart.
I'm gonna come in, okay?
- I'm gonna give you a hug.
- I'm okay.
- I know what you need.
- I'm good.
- Please, come to Shirley.
- Come on.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
What about the nylons?
Fuck nylons.
Hey, I wrote this!
Loser.
- Who's a loser?
- Oh, I just-
I wrote this piece
about this woman,
so her first novel
is nominated for a Giller,
and she just won
the June-fucking-Callwood
Social Justice Award,
and she's only 32 years old.
So then I ask her
about her personal life,
because my editor
is always like,
"get some more like,
relatable, personal stuff."
So, she shows me this photo
of her foxy,
McFox husband,
who she met on an aid mission
in Haiti,
- and I'm not making this up...
- Of course she did.
And, he's the chief caregiver
of their two,
like stupidly good-looking
children.
Why not?
Are you gonna submit it
to the award thingy?
No.
I'm gonna send it in for you.
Hey...
lookin' pretty good
from up here.
- Go fuck yourself.
- Thanks.
Jesus.
Gotta get some snacks.
Cheese cubes.
Stuff on toothpicks.
Fruit platters?
Melons, goddamn fuckin'...
Know what people love?
- Melons overload.
- They love shrimp.
- Shrimp rings.
- Chocolates?
- Uh...
- Too optimistic?
Tuna's on sale
for 99 cents a can,
maximum four cans. Isle two.
Tuna's on sale for 99 cents.
Hey, Cassie. Oh, honey.
- Hi, Dad.
- How you holdin' up?
Fine.
You know, one of the last
things that she said to me
was that she felt like a queen
Two times in her life.
After giving birth to you...
and your brother.
Can I get a manager, cash four?
Yeah.
I'm in the grocery store, Dad.
Oh Lutz, so much to do. Yeah.
Aunt Jane's got the church
and burial plot.
I know she really appreciates
all you're doing.
I just... I just got off
the phone with Dan.
Sweetheart, look...
do you really think that
it's the best idea
for you to do the eulogy?
- With what happened...
- Dad, I'm doing it. Okay?
- At the Christmas party.
- I'm doing it. I'm the...
- Cassie...
- I'm the eldest.
- I'm the writer.
- Cassie, listen to me.
Sorry, one second.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Hi, you're tall.
Wow, he's so tall.
Do you think you could reach
one of those?
- These ones?
- Yeah.
Yeah, they're just really high.
They're really high up there.
Yeah, yeah, keep 'em coming.
Which kinds do you like?
One more. CHRIS: Cassie?
- Oh my God, so helpful.
- Cass, are you there, honey?
- Dad, I'm doing it! Okay?
- Danny can't do it.
He hates public speaking.
Do you remember
the debate puking?
Imagine eulogy puking.
- Cassandra, no.
- Hey, we got shrimp rings!
Tell Mona there's shrimp rings.
Dad, I'm at the checkout,
okay, so...
- Cassie, it's not a good idea!
- You're cutting out.
Fish crackers.
Sweetheart,
it's not a good idea.
Dad, I'm gonna make it good,
okay? Bye.
Ugh.
Hi, everybody.
You know...
actually, my Mother...
was a strong-willed person.
Not everybody got to see
that side of her.
She was the smartest woman
I ever met.
And...
so stubborn.
My mother...
was a fuckin' rock star!
Yeah.
- She had kids.
- She had an education.
She had a divorce.
She didn't need a man
to get through life.
Yeah. Sharper.
She worked hard
to get where she got!
- Come on, give her teeth!
- She pumped out two kids.
She sacrificed her life
for ours!
- Deeper!
- She was Shira!
Joan of fucking Arc!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!
You're making her sound
like some sort of a,
- I don't know, heartless...
- Bitch?
Ah.
Ball-buster!
A... nasty woman!
Feminist!
Oh no, wait, I got one!
I got one! I got one!
- Cunt.
- Okay, enough.
This isn't about you.
It's about Mom.
I know!
Whatever.
Wait! The snacks!
Ugh.
Fine, get the snacks,
then I get the flowers.
And I have to write the eulogy.
I know I have to write
the eulogy.
First to buy the snacks,
then I'll get the flowers,
then I'll write the eulogy.
Snacks, then the fuckin'
flowers.
Whoa! Jesus.
Agh!
Fuck!
Just leave it!
- The light's green!
- Ah!
The fucking wheel is bent!
I'm getting a drink.
I need a drink.
Can I have another?
Yeah.
Mom, I said just spelling
and grammar!
I just... I just made it
flow better.
There were so many great ideas,
but they were just out of order.
They're still your thoughts.
"Her unassuming demeanour
betrayed an internal landscape
as vast and mournful
as any ancient poet."
Really, Mom?
- Can I have another one?
- Yeah.
You want something' to eat
with that, sweetheart?
Yeah.
I'm hungry.
Some fries? No.
I've got a deluxe pickled egg,
olive...
The thing is, is
I don't like French fries.
I don't like them.
But I order them.
And I order them so that people
see me ordering them,
and they know that I don't care
about getting fat.
Okay, no more French fries.
I don't like fries!
But if there's a guy around,
I order them so that he knows
I'm not like,
one of those girls,
and that I'm cool,
and I get it, and she,
like that girl,
she could stay.
We paid $25 a lap dance.
Well, the brunette says,
"I don't dance for money",
and then she storms out.
The redhead says,
"I don't dance for less
than a $100 a dance."
She storms out.
The blonde says,
"I can't afford $25,"
how 'bout if I give you $5 now,
"and blow you for the rest?"
Uncle Jake, my Mom's right here.
Sorry, ladies.
- You clearly don't get it!
- It's like everything.
It's everywhere.
I got one, I got one, I got one.
What's the difference between
a woman and a toilet?
- I dunno.
- Toilet doesn't wanna cuddle
after you dropped your load
in it.
Oh!
Cass. Cass.
Not cool.
Come on! It's just a joke!
Lighten up, Roxanne!
Just a second!
Can I use the toilet?
I need a fuckin' second, dude!
Fuck!
What am I doing?
I've got to write the eulogy.
I guess I've got to change
everything about myself,
and everybody else.
Yeah, right.
And shampoo the unicorn.
You're the boss of this.
Dude!
Stop pushing me around!
Stop pushing you around?
What are you... what?
What?
Cassie.
What is it?
Come in. Sit.
What's going on?
My Mom died.
Oh my God. Cass.
What... what happened?
Can we have sex?
Sorry, it's so weird.
No, it's not weird.
Are you sure that's
what you want, though?
Feel like I'm fucked up,
and I wanna get outta my head.
Or do you wanna talk about it?
I know you're tough
and all that, but...
I don't wanna talk about it.
Hey, are you still taking
a break from relationships?
- Yeah.
- Well, I-I don't know.
Okay.
Let's get you outta that head,
into that body.
I don't have a condom.
What, so just the old pull
and pray method, then?
Yeah. I'll name her after Mom.
My God, this is sick.
It's not sick, it'll just be
me, and little Elaine.
Ah...
You know,
I think almost every word
I've ever written,
while I was writing it,
I was wondering what a man
would think when he read it.
No, really, not just any man.
Shut up!
I got to focus!
I picture someone who a lot
of people respect.
And I imagine what he's thinking
while he's reading it.
While I'm writing.
What is this? Turn over?
I've got to focus!
What are those dangly things,
udders? Turn over!
Jesus! Shut up!
And if there are no men around,
I imagine there are cameras.
With men behind the cameras,
spying on me.
Imagined how I looked to them.
A girl who doesn't even know
she's being looked at.
Come on, where'd you learn that?
Sounds fake! Be more natural!
Jesus!
Oh, and that sex face
might be confused
with your where's
my other sock, face.
Just an observation.
I can't. I can't.
I can't. I can't.
I can't, I'm too distracted.
Fuck.
It's okay.
Hey, it's okay.
Hey.
And then the beast said, "No..."
"...you will never leave
this castle..."
"No, you will never leave
this castle,"
and off the beast stalked
in a rage.
However, a little later
he returned
and spoke solemnly to Beauty,
"If you swear that you will
return in seven days time,
I'll let you go
and visit your father."
Beauty threw herself at
the beast's feet in delight.
"I swear! I swear I will!"
How kind you are!
"You've made a loving
daughter so happy!"
Okay so, a guy traps a girl,
way younger than he is,
obviously,
in a cage,
and when he finally lets
her out,
she throws herself at his feet,
in delight,
screamin' about what a nice
guy he is.
Do you have to ruin everything?
He's an abusive,
by definition, beast,
but if she just keeps loving,
and loving this asshole,
for who he is,
then he'll stop abusing her,
she'll get her greatest
and only aspiration,
which is marriage...
I liked being a princess, okay?
And he'll be magically
transformed into a generous,
respectful, non-rapey prince.
This is the uh,
gist of the story?
Ah, but...
"" Each night,
through Beauty's conversations
with the beast,
she was amazed to discover..."
It's okay.
It's okay.
Aw, blotchy face.
- Tiger lilies.
- No.
- Calla lilies?
- No.
- Roses, pink?
- I'm not goin' pink.
- She liked pink.
- I can't go pink, '
'cause then everybody at
the funeral is gonna think...
Fuck.
Hi, Aunt Jane.
I'm just at the florist.
Oh yeah, that's wonderful.
- How you holdin' up? You okay?
- I'm fine.
Honey, listen, I have one
more special job for you.
Would you go to the house,
and would you pick out
a dress for her to wear?
I think actually you're
the only person
- who could do this job.
- Um...
- Yeah, that's wonderful.
- That's great.
That is so good of you, sweetie,
and I think it's a really,
really important thing.
And um, I just got off
the phone with Danny,
and him, and your Dad, and I
all agree that the eulogy,
hon, it's just not a good idea.
I think that's it's just gonna
be too much for you,
- you know what I'm saying?
- I'm doing it.
Why, honey? Because of
the Christmas party?
Yes, it...
- it-it has to be me.
- Okay, why?
- Tulips?
- Please, Cassie...
- Aunt Jane, I got to go.
- I'm in the middle of this.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Cassie, I think that this...
Shit.
Um, no.
- Sunflowers?
- What's the occasion?
- A funeral.
- Were they close?
My Mother.
I'm sorry, you lost your Mother.
Yeah. Shit.
Thank you.
What album is that from?
Oh, it's not really a song.
- What does that mean?
- I just heard it.
It's... I was...
fiddling around...
to Joni-tuning.
Come on, Mom, give yourself
some credit.
For what?
For giving you a broken home?
And me a failed marriage?
And, wonder of wonders,
a failed career.
A triple... no,
trifecta of shit.
Mom, we're still a family,
just the living arrangements
have changed.
Just 'cause a marriage
is shorter than others
doesn't mean it wasn't good,
it was just shorter.
A novel isn't less good because
it has fewer pages, right?
Plus, humans used to die
at the age of 40.
Now we get several lives,
lots of relationships.
And, the career thing...
Yeah, I mean...
What about white lilies, then?
Um, do you have any um,
blue flowers?
We have some dried flowers
in the back.
Perfect.
Are you sure you don't want
something more like, alive?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Um, I don't know, five bouquets?
- No, seven.
- Seven bouquets.
Here-here's the address
of the church.
- It's uh, tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow?
Mhm. Yeah.
Gotta go get the dress.
What am I gonna say?
She made pie.
She was a hard-ass.
Yeah, right.
Pick out a dress for my Mom
to wear in her coffin.
- Did you see it?
- See it?
I bought five copies!
It's brilliant.
You're brilliant.
I learned so much.
And you're totally right
about that first paragraph.
Did you see I kept your thing
about the ego?
Yeah, that worked well.
- You like the shot?
- Aaron took it.
Oh yeah, it's beautiful.
I'm not sure brown's
your colour.
I mean, it's a completely
beautiful shot.
Thanks, Mom. I got to go.
Hi, Cassie,
I'm not feeling very well.
It's like my heart is...
racing,
but I'm very tired.
Dizzy. Can't be hot flashes,
because I'm done with all
that business.
Anyway,
I'm blathering on here.
And I'm sure you're doing
something very important.
I just love you so much,
chickadee.
I hope you know that.
911, what is your emergency?
So stupid.
What makes it a bad kiss?
There's biting. And it's fake.
It's passionate.
Have you ever worn a bra
to bed? No.
Like, the director said,
"have fun in the water!
More fun! Lift her up!
Spin her around!"
What do you think of this one?
What do you think?
You know, you can have
ideas different than mine.
I can think one thing,
and you can think another.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Babe, I know you
probably don't wanna see anyone
and you're freaking out
about tomorrow.
Please, do not give
a flying fuck
about what anyone expects
you to say.
I am coming over right now,
with a survival kit,
so open the door.
We're gonna take care of you.
Hey. CASSANDRA: Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Give me your keys.
Okay, come here.
So, what I want you to do...
is take off your pants.
Come on.
Right there.
Full disclosure,
I did bring chocolate.
I did eat it.
It was either that,
or die of starvation
or hypothermia.
Well, I support your decision.
- Are they off?
- Yeah.
Now take off your bra.
Lisa told me to take this
bottle.
It's from our wedding.
Isn't that so nice?
It's nice.
Lisa's really nice.
Yeah. She's a queen.
Is it off?
- Yep.
- Nice.
Okay now, drink the...
medium-quality lesbian
wedding wine.
Just suck it back. Yeah.
It's good. It's from 2017.
Best year.
Mm-mm.
Good girl! Yes!
Okay, now where's your lighter?
You don't have a lighter?
I was trying to give you some
sense of agency
and empowerment.
Yes, of course I have one.
Where are you going?
Smoking out the window?
No, no, no. We are smoking
in bed.
- Like adults. Get in.
- Ugh.
Yes.
Good girl!
I'm not a good girl.
I'm a shitty girl.
I'm a shitty, selfish daughter.
Why, because of Christmas?
You were wasted.
That's what Christmas is for.
Hey, it's okay, it's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
Yeah.
It's okay.
- Cass?
- Yeah?
Just back the fuck off, okay?
I mean, you're hot, but like,
it's not happening.
Come on!
You are my type, but I mean...
- Well, that's good to know.
- Mhm.
I was outta my mind.
Why did she listen to me?
She shouldn't have listened
to me.
Okay, hold on, hold on.
Can I ask you something?
Did you meet your mother?
Because she never listened
to anyone.
She made all her own choices.
- This is true.
- Like, being a Mom.
Elaine loved being a mom.
That's why she chose it.
You're right.
- And she liked being at home.
- It made her feel good.
Hi, honey, it's your Mom.
It's Tuesday at uh, 8:53 p.m.
I've been thinking
about what you said
at the Christmas party
the other night.
I know things got a little
heated there,
and so, it was hard to hear,
but well, not literally
hard to hear,
because you were screaming
down my neck,
but I think you might be right.
I think there's truth in it.
You have always been the truth
teller in our family,
and the old phrase,
"the truth shall set you free"
seems appropriate.
I'm gonna take another crack
at writing,
and don't laugh, dating,
and well, everything.
Anyway, give me a call
when you have a minute.
I love you.
What? What?
Honey, you forgot your present!
Here, maybe you could
wear it tonight.
Uh... I think I'm good like
this. I think...
You don't like it?
Honey, you can't wear that.
Why not?
Well, it looks like
you don't care.
I don't. Okay.
I don't.
Well then, put this on.
Honey, just put it on.
- Come on! Just do it!
- Okay, okay.
- Come on. Put it on.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I'm doing it. I'm doing it!
Here. Okay.
- Put it on!
- I am!
Let me... I'm doing it!
Let me do it! Mom!
- Okay!
- I'm 30 years old,
- I can dress myself.
- Fine.
Okay.
Mom! Oh my God.
It's just... it's...
it's not me.
Well, sometimes you do
things for other people.
You know a lot about that.
And you wouldn't.
There. It looks great.
- What are you saying...
- are you saying I'm selfish?
Are you saying I'm selfish?
No, no I...
No, no I know it's just...
cool and all that,
but how are men gonna know what
a wonderful girl you are,
if you scare them off?
Oh.
It's true.
- Well, there's your aunt Jane.
- Hello?
Honey, the truth is,
if you make yourself seem
available,
or even a little flirtatious,
you'll just make better tips.
That's just the way it is.
So you want me to whore
myself out,
for like a few extra bucks
to like, shove in my bra?
Whatever.
Yep, that's exactly what I want.
Noted, Mom.
What did zero say to eight?
- What?
- Nice belt.
- Boo!
- Dad joke.
You get it 'cause it's
the circle.
Okay, okay. I got one.
- Wow. Look at this.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is...
I don't know if you've ever
looked better.
- Honestly like...
- This is Elaine's special.
What's it called...
okay, Ar-Arlene's Babies,
the one across
from the big Loblaws,
and I was looking for a stroller
for Dan and Amber,
for a surprise Christmas
present.
Aw.
I was looking for one that
could manoeuvre easily
through the snow.
I wanna get this little nugget
the right set of wheels.
And, one that's sturdy enough
to pass on to the next nugget.
And the next one.
And the next one!
Anyway, so there
were several options,
but the one that I really liked
had a good set of wheels,
and it had some coffee carrier,
and a doll -
in case you didn't know
what a stroller was for -
and so, I...
I took it out onto the sidewalk
for a test drive.
And I'm testing the grip,
and I'm...
you know,
I didn't do any donuts,
but I'm poppin' some wheelies,
when a woman comes screaming
after me,
"That's my baby!
She stole my baby!"
It was a real baby.
- The doll was a real baby!
- No!
I mean,
it was so small and light,
I really could've sworn
it was a doll!
Typical stupid Elaine manoeuvre.
- I got a funny story.
- Easy, Uncle Jake.
I had to go to a Canadian
Tire the other day,
because we had a bit of
a mishap with a raccoon.
Oh boy.
Honey, that is not
a Christmas story!
Well, it's a family
of raccoons story,
so it is kind of a Christmas
story.
Oh!
Mother.
She liked kids.
She loved kids.
My mother would make
things special
for me and Danny.
She was a writer.
She wrote...
she was an editor.
She could make a great
blanket fort.
My Mom was a sweet...
she was a musical person.
Oh my God.
My Mom was a good cook.
Elaine was a great chef.
She wrote poetry.
She...
my Mom...
- Oh my God, okay.
- We have an hour.
- Ugh.
- Okay.
Just breathe.
Okay, that's enough breathing.
All right. All right,
look at this beauty!
Let's do this!
Nice, hot shower.
- Okay, okay.
- There we go.
- Come on.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Thank you.
- Thank you for coming.
- Hi. Oh, you came.
- The last time I saw her.
- What a shock. What a shock.
It was just the other day.
Did you call her?
Shoot. No, I didn't call her.
Are you ready to say
something, just in case?
Can you go see if she's-
if she's coming?
See if she's down the street?
I think you should think
of something to say.
I'm thinking of something
to say, I know.
- I'll look.
- I just wish I had time
- to think of something.
- You'll be okay-you'll be okay.
What are you gonna say?
I wanna say...
I just want everyone to know
how incredible she was.
Wanna say,
what's incredible is how
much potential she had,
that no one else
ever got to see.
And then she died unfulfilled.
What a waste.
That's what I wanna say,
what a fuckin' waste.
Talking about what a waste
Mom's life was, at her funeral?
Good move, asshole.
It's not your Mom's fault,
- it's a much bigger problem.
- I'm not blaming her.
I'm just saying,
she could've been so much more,
and why don't we use
this opportunity,
so it doesn't keep happening,
and we learn from it?
But like, you want me
to be nice all the time,
just say nice things, like Mom?
You're not nice.
Throwing Mom under the bus
at her funeral isn't an option.
This is the last chance
to make it up to her.
So Mom was perfect. The end.
If I don't say this,
then I'm throwin' Mom under
the bus,
myself under the bus,
Aunt Jane, Moira, Gail, Bubba,
I'm throwin' them all
under the bus!
It's not the time
or the place...
- It's never the right time!
- It's never the right time!
It's not fair that I can't
just talk about this!
- Not fair?
- Seriously?
Okay, poor you.
You are a white, thin,
middle-class,
educated, hetero Canadian.
No one was ever stopped you
from saying anything
you wanted to say.
You have no idea
how lucky you've got it.
Cassandra!
We're all ready for ya, honey.
Come on in!
There's a place for you up
front, beside your Dad, okay?
You look beautiful.
Just tell the truth.
- Nice sweater.
- Mhm.
Good to see ya look
like a woman.
- Thanks...
- You're welcome.
Uncle Jake.
Ooh!
It's okay.
- I'm okay!
- Oh my God!
- These things happen.
- You all right?
Oh my God! I'm so sorry!
Teach you how to hold your
liquor, little lady.
- You okay?
- Dad, are you serious?
Oh my God, Danny,
what did you do?
Are you kidding me?
Jesus, Cass.
Who invited her?
- It's Granny's ornament.
- Oh shoot.
Come on, it's no big deal!
Here, just have a little
medicine.
- Excellent. That's...
- Here.
- Whoa.
- What?
Don't you think you've had
enough, chickadee?
No, you're not seriously
gonna lecture me
on how much I've had to drink?
This is a party, Mom!
Hey, hey, help me
get the lemon squares.
- No, I'm fine.
- Mom... I'm okay, Aunt Jane.
Like, how about the happy pills
that you and I both know
you should've stopped taking
years ago?
Okay.
Have I ever given you a hard
time about that?
I've never talked to you
about that.
- Okay, Cass, settle down.
- No.
No! Not settle down.
Cassandra, I think you're
going to regret...
What, I-I'm not gonna regret
speaking my mind, Mom.
I don't care!
Like, you're gonna regret
wasting your mind
on stupid shit!
Fucking baby buggies? Outfits?
Typical stupid Elaine maneuver?
Why don't you do something, Mom?
Why don't you like,
do something?
- You never even tried!
- All I do is try!
- Cass. Just shut up now.
- No, I'm cool.
- I'm good, Danny!
- Cass!
- I'm talking now!
- I'm talking now!
Like, why do you have to be
so nice all the time?
And now you've numbed yourself
to everything,
and you've wasted
your whole life!
Elaine's family asked
me to thank everyone today,
for being here.
Of course, we're all drawn
here today
with a tremendous sense of loss.
I know you'll be comforting
one another today.
I'll do my best
to lead us toward
some sort of spiritual solace.
But I can tell you,
the greatest comfort today
will be in reflecting
on this vibrant life lived.
And your presence here today
is a testament to that.
And now we'll hear from
Elaine's daughter, Cassandra.
Ugh!
Hey, you got this.
Ugh!
No. No. No.
Okay.
I'm so proud of you.
Remember, always use your voice.
I won't be very far away.
My Mom...
was many things.
And I loved her so much.
I remember,
I think it was my first memory,
that feeling of her warm skin
in the pool.
And when she would put me
to sleep,
she would hum,
and I would feel...
and I would feel
the vibration of her voice...
- In me.
- In me.
Against my cheek.
I remember her hands.
And she always said to me,
that you can cure almost
anything with a hot bath.
Not this.
Once, she was
editing an essay of mine,
and she wrote this line.
We laughed about it, actually.
I yelled at her, actually,
but I'll never forget it.
"Her unassuming demeanour"
betrayed an internal landscape
"as vast and mournful
as any ancient poet."
It's true.
It's true that there was
so much no one got to see.
Or hear.
Or read. It makes me angry.
It makes me angry.
So much she could have given.
The world didn't make it
possible.
So...
so she gave it all to me.
And to Danny.
She doubted if she was enough.
Mom, Mom...
you were so much more
than enough.
You even gave me your blessing
to use my own voice.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
I'm just trying to understand
how to use my voice...
To figure out how to use it...
well.
- Come on!
- I got one! I got one!
- Yes!
- Not cool.
I'm not doing any more shots.
Yes!
Hi, Cassie.
I'm not feeling very well,
I'm not...
gonna go lie down for a bit.
I'm gonna leave my ringer
on, in case you call.
- What the fuck?
- My heart is racing but...
very tired.
Get up.
Danny, what's happening?
I-I have all these missed
calls... Mom? And...?
What?
What?
What is it?
What... what about...?
No!
What! No it's not!
No!
No!
No!
No!
Hi, sweetheart,
it's your Auntie.
I know it must be tough,
this has all been so sudden.
But, as you know,
everyone is still here
from the Christmas family
reunion.
Anyway, we're all gonna
meet day after tomorrow,
to give your Mom...
just a... a beautiful send-off.
So, I know it's a lot to ask,
honey,
but do you think that you
could pick out the flowers,
and the food for the reception?
We'll all chip in, of course,
but that would just be
such a great help.
Aw, Cassie, she's not
really gone now, is she?
She's still here,
she's watchin' over us.
She's gonna...
she's gonna be there
on your wedding day,
and she's gonna be there
when you have your first baby.
And you become a mom.
A mom yourself, your mom
will be watching over you.
And uh...
I-I know you're the writer
in the family, um,
but we've all talked about it,
and uh, your brother's
agreed to give the eulogy.
So... Danny?
Anyway, that's-that's
really all I've got for now,
so just call.
Love, love.
Cass!
Cass! Open the door!
Cass!
Cass.
Come on, I know you're in here!
I'm on the toilet!
I'll be done in a minute!
She was at the kitchen
table having lemon loaf,
and like,
her face was in the lemon loaf.
Why are you telling me that?
Now I have to think about that.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm sorry you had to see that.
I'm sorry.
Fuck, man. Mom.
Yeah.
Yeah, Mom.
Like, where is she?
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
Last week she was singing louder
than everyone else put together.
How could she...
How could she be...
I mean, what did they say?
911, what is your emergency?
Auntie Jane says
there's history of strokes
in our family.
God, she keeps calling every
five minutes to talk it over,
and fucking do stuff, and...
Amber is nursing
and going crazy.
I don't even know what sleep
is like anymore.
Look, um, I-I'll deal
with it, okay?
I'll deal with everything.
I'll give the eulogy.
Isn't that like,
like a really bad idea,
- I mean for you, what happened...
- Danny, I'm sure.
And for everyone else, too?
I'm sure. There's no other
option. I'm doing it, okay?
Cass, people wanna cry
at these things. You're like...
Like what?
Oh fuck off, come on!
Go now, you did good!
Go take care of Amber,
and little baby monkey head.
I'm... getting dressed,
and I'm leaving the house
right now.
It's okay to lose it.
- Danny, there is no time.
- I'm in a towel, you're leaving.
Funeral's in two days.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can't. I can't do this.
I can do it.
I can do it. I can do it.
Okay.
What do you wear
to your mother's funeral?
Mom would've wanted me
to wear black.
Well, now I can just wear
what I wanna wear.
There's no one left to
care what I look like.
What?
Aunt Jane? Aunt Kathy?
Danny? Dad? Uncle Jake?
The woman who runs the
funeral parlour? Everybody.
- Guy who moved in upstairs.
- Exactly.
Whatever. I don't care
about this shit.
Yeah, well Mom cared.
Mom didn't have to try.
Mom was just like...
effortless.
That was her whole thing,
looking good.
Wasn't her whole thing,
that's not what I'm saying.
I'm just gonna wear
what I always wear.
Pants and a shirt.
Why is this so complicated?
Just don't read those magazines,
like Mom did.
Why am I still standing here?
I don't care about this.
I'm above this!
It's all bullshit anyway.
It's all meaningless!
Mom would've hated those shoes.
Well, Mom's dead!
So, now I should
just be comfortable.
Well, whatever I choose,
Mom would've wanted me
to wear nylons.
We'll get some fuckin' nylons,
then.
Good morning, Mrs. Heywood,
this is Barbara calling, again.
From the Turner and Porter
Funeral Home.
We still haven't heard
from you regarding the casket
and arrangements
for the funeral.
So, if you could just give
us a call...
We've got cedar,
uh, cherry wood is a really
nice option.
You know, if you're
interested in something
a little bit more eco friendly,
we've got a brand new line
of organic burial pods.
They're very popular right now.
What would your mother
have liked?
Um...
What did she love?
What did she actually,
really love?
Mrs. Heywood?
What common tree is part
of the Cupressaceae family?
- What is cedar?
- What is cedar?
- That is correct.
- That's my favourite smell.
Mrs. Heywood?
Cedar.
Cedar is good.
Lovely choice.
Let me just get you
a quote on that.
Thank you.
Friends and family,
Elaine Heywood loved cedar.
- Mrs. Heywood?
- I have your quote.
Okay.
Mrs. Heywood.
- Ms.
- Ms.
This is such a difficult time.
Grief can manifest itself
in unexpected ways.
You're suffering
such a profound loss.
It's so important that
you find your ways,
to express it.
Grief is our way of saying
we know you're dead.
Okay. I got to go
get the nylons.
Mom was uh...
she told jokes,
she told stories.
She was like, a really
good storyteller.
- She was so nice.
- She was the nicest.
The kindest woman I ever met.
That's true.
She gave everything to everyone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa!
Don't cut so close
to the tracks!
Okay. Okay. Fuck, okay,
okay, okay.
- Watch the tracks!
- Okay, okay!
The dangly ones.
Aw.
I don't wanna look like
I'm trying too hard.
- More for a fancy ball?
- Yeah, this is not a ball.
Then what is it?
It's a book launch,
with some of mommy's old
work friends.
Are you working with them again?
Well, we'll see.
Maybe if I wear
the right earrings.
- What are you writing?
- Hmm.
Sometimes it's nice to make
a note
of what might be the big
moments of your life.
Hmm.
- Hello?
- Hi.
- Good morning, Putsy.
- What time is it there?
It is 7:00 a.m.
- How'd your thing go?
- Oh, you know.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
Well, maybe when you
submit your piece.
No, no. You can't take
your foot of the pedal
and expect everyone to
invite you back into the race.
You should've heard them
laugh when I told them
the hours I'd need
because of the kids.
Listen to me.
You're a great editor,
you're a great writer.
No.
It's not gonna happen.
I can feel it.
- I can barely keep up here.
- Yeah.
Maybe.
Listen, um,
George asked me to stay
a couple more weeks,
- 'til we deliver.
- Oh.
Yeah, sorry.
- Okay, okay.
- I'm sorry.
- And look who's here.
- Did they work?
- What, honey?
- The earrings.
No.
What are you doing up?
I'm hungry.
- Oh okay, well.
- Talk to your daddy,
and I will get you some
hot milk with honey.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Lutsy.
Why are you hungry?
The babysitter gave us
chicken nuggets
that were wet
from the corn water.
Uh oh.
Why can't you just babysit us?
Well, I can't because
I'm very busy
doing very important
things, sweetheart.
Making the car window up
and downers?
That's right, making the
car window up and downers.
But we always have a babysitter.
Honey, you never have
a babysitter!
The last one
was four months ago!
But she ate the Doritos.
Sweetheart, it's time
to go back to bed, okay?
Can you say goodbye to
Mommy, for me?
- Okay. Night, Daddy.
- Goodnight, sweetheart.
- Daddy says goodbye.
- Oh.
Okay.
Here. Straight to bed.
Just try one bite.
You have to try things.
Hello?
Hi, in here!
Hi! Nice dress!
Thanks.
Yeah, she slept
in it on the couch, all night!
Uh, everyone ready for a movie?
All aboard for "Mrs. Doubtfire"?
Yeah! "Mrs. Doubtfire"!
Have fun. Thanks.
Can we get hot dogs?
Mom made terrible soup.
Tastes like Vimy Ridge.
Women will have achieved
true equality
when men share with them
the responsibility
of bringing up the next
generation.
Ladies and gentlemen,
friends and family,
Elaine Heywood was the kindest,
most generous woman anyone
in this room's ever met.
Wow!
Nailed it!
You just like,
that just totally captured
Mom's essence!
That's it!
My Mother was a doormat.
She laid down for people
to walk all over her.
Slammin' the door in her face.
Wiping their feet on her mouth.
My Mother never said a word.
- What do you want?
- What do I want?
I want a non-shitty,
three-dimensional eulogy.
And nylons.
It's too hot in here.
Take off
your stupid, puffy coat.
Oof!
Excuse me? Hi.
Uh, where are the nylons?
- What colour?
- We have tinted, or nude?
Butterscotch and chocolate.
There's oatmeal,
there's mochaccino,
but non-fat for me, please.
- Abort!
- You want Spanx?
- Crotchless?
- You don't know.
Okay, why don't you just...
come with me.
Sure.
- You know what?
- What?
I'm rethinking the nylons thing.
Yeah?
This is my homage to Mom.
It's beautiful!
I'm not high enough
on your body.
- Really becoming.
- Reminds me of her.
- Really, really nice.
- Got detailing.
It's got ruching. Also, the bow.
Oh yeah, the ruching
really gives you flavourful.
- It's not high enough, though.
- I need something higher.
Funeral veil? Appropriate?
- Theme wear, baby.
- Funeral appropriate?
- Mom loved a theme.
- Too soon, maybe?
Yeah, too soon.
Oh shit. I lost the lady.
Hello?
- Hey, check it out.
- Mom actually had one of these.
"Gerta's Girdles help you
curb your curves,
from waist to hip."
Maybe we need to get one.
Excuse me, sir, you're so tall.
I can't quite...
would you mind reaching.
- Sure, of course.
- Which colour would you like?
- I don't know.
- What colour do you think?
Uh...
burgundy seems to suit you.
- Burgundy, it is.
- Okay.
Maybe we need to get one.
Tummy tamer. Spanxerator.
Did I go too far? Sorry.
Just let me in.
No wonder she was so fucked up.
- What? What are you talking...
- Shut up! God!
I just need a second
and get my head straight!
- Don't be a dick!
- Open the door!
- What?
- Just think about it.
I never saw Mom eat
a French fry.
Okay.
Like, not in my entire life,
did I ever see Mom
even taste a fry.
She didn't order them,
because she didn't
wanna get fat.
Everything okay in her,
sweetheart?
Can I get you anything?
A bigger size?
A control top? They hide
a multitude of sins.
No uh,
I don't need that.
She couldn't just like,
have a glass of wine. She had
to have a white wine spritzer.
And I never saw her eat
a croissant, ever.
- What's that?
- Uh, thanks, Shirley.
I'm just practicing a speech.
- Oh, a speech.
- That is super exciting!
What for?
Trying to write a eulogy.
For my Mom.
Oh, sweetheart.
I'm gonna come in, okay?
- I'm gonna give you a hug.
- I'm okay.
- I know what you need.
- I'm good.
- Please, come to Shirley.
- Come on.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
What about the nylons?
Fuck nylons.
Hey, I wrote this!
Loser.
- Who's a loser?
- Oh, I just-
I wrote this piece
about this woman,
so her first novel
is nominated for a Giller,
and she just won
the June-fucking-Callwood
Social Justice Award,
and she's only 32 years old.
So then I ask her
about her personal life,
because my editor
is always like,
"get some more like,
relatable, personal stuff."
So, she shows me this photo
of her foxy,
McFox husband,
who she met on an aid mission
in Haiti,
- and I'm not making this up...
- Of course she did.
And, he's the chief caregiver
of their two,
like stupidly good-looking
children.
Why not?
Are you gonna submit it
to the award thingy?
No.
I'm gonna send it in for you.
Hey...
lookin' pretty good
from up here.
- Go fuck yourself.
- Thanks.
Jesus.
Gotta get some snacks.
Cheese cubes.
Stuff on toothpicks.
Fruit platters?
Melons, goddamn fuckin'...
Know what people love?
- Melons overload.
- They love shrimp.
- Shrimp rings.
- Chocolates?
- Uh...
- Too optimistic?
Tuna's on sale
for 99 cents a can,
maximum four cans. Isle two.
Tuna's on sale for 99 cents.
Hey, Cassie. Oh, honey.
- Hi, Dad.
- How you holdin' up?
Fine.
You know, one of the last
things that she said to me
was that she felt like a queen
Two times in her life.
After giving birth to you...
and your brother.
Can I get a manager, cash four?
Yeah.
I'm in the grocery store, Dad.
Oh Lutz, so much to do. Yeah.
Aunt Jane's got the church
and burial plot.
I know she really appreciates
all you're doing.
I just... I just got off
the phone with Dan.
Sweetheart, look...
do you really think that
it's the best idea
for you to do the eulogy?
- With what happened...
- Dad, I'm doing it. Okay?
- At the Christmas party.
- I'm doing it. I'm the...
- Cassie...
- I'm the eldest.
- I'm the writer.
- Cassie, listen to me.
Sorry, one second.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Hi, you're tall.
Wow, he's so tall.
Do you think you could reach
one of those?
- These ones?
- Yeah.
Yeah, they're just really high.
They're really high up there.
Yeah, yeah, keep 'em coming.
Which kinds do you like?
One more. CHRIS: Cassie?
- Oh my God, so helpful.
- Cass, are you there, honey?
- Dad, I'm doing it! Okay?
- Danny can't do it.
He hates public speaking.
Do you remember
the debate puking?
Imagine eulogy puking.
- Cassandra, no.
- Hey, we got shrimp rings!
Tell Mona there's shrimp rings.
Dad, I'm at the checkout,
okay, so...
- Cassie, it's not a good idea!
- You're cutting out.
Fish crackers.
Sweetheart,
it's not a good idea.
Dad, I'm gonna make it good,
okay? Bye.
Ugh.
Hi, everybody.
You know...
actually, my Mother...
was a strong-willed person.
Not everybody got to see
that side of her.
She was the smartest woman
I ever met.
And...
so stubborn.
My mother...
was a fuckin' rock star!
Yeah.
- She had kids.
- She had an education.
She had a divorce.
She didn't need a man
to get through life.
Yeah. Sharper.
She worked hard
to get where she got!
- Come on, give her teeth!
- She pumped out two kids.
She sacrificed her life
for ours!
- Deeper!
- She was Shira!
Joan of fucking Arc!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!
You're making her sound
like some sort of a,
- I don't know, heartless...
- Bitch?
Ah.
Ball-buster!
A... nasty woman!
Feminist!
Oh no, wait, I got one!
I got one! I got one!
- Cunt.
- Okay, enough.
This isn't about you.
It's about Mom.
I know!
Whatever.
Wait! The snacks!
Ugh.
Fine, get the snacks,
then I get the flowers.
And I have to write the eulogy.
I know I have to write
the eulogy.
First to buy the snacks,
then I'll get the flowers,
then I'll write the eulogy.
Snacks, then the fuckin'
flowers.
Whoa! Jesus.
Agh!
Fuck!
Just leave it!
- The light's green!
- Ah!
The fucking wheel is bent!
I'm getting a drink.
I need a drink.
Can I have another?
Yeah.
Mom, I said just spelling
and grammar!
I just... I just made it
flow better.
There were so many great ideas,
but they were just out of order.
They're still your thoughts.
"Her unassuming demeanour
betrayed an internal landscape
as vast and mournful
as any ancient poet."
Really, Mom?
- Can I have another one?
- Yeah.
You want something' to eat
with that, sweetheart?
Yeah.
I'm hungry.
Some fries? No.
I've got a deluxe pickled egg,
olive...
The thing is, is
I don't like French fries.
I don't like them.
But I order them.
And I order them so that people
see me ordering them,
and they know that I don't care
about getting fat.
Okay, no more French fries.
I don't like fries!
But if there's a guy around,
I order them so that he knows
I'm not like,
one of those girls,
and that I'm cool,
and I get it, and she,
like that girl,
she could stay.
We paid $25 a lap dance.
Well, the brunette says,
"I don't dance for money",
and then she storms out.
The redhead says,
"I don't dance for less
than a $100 a dance."
She storms out.
The blonde says,
"I can't afford $25,"
how 'bout if I give you $5 now,
"and blow you for the rest?"
Uncle Jake, my Mom's right here.
Sorry, ladies.
- You clearly don't get it!
- It's like everything.
It's everywhere.
I got one, I got one, I got one.
What's the difference between
a woman and a toilet?
- I dunno.
- Toilet doesn't wanna cuddle
after you dropped your load
in it.
Oh!
Cass. Cass.
Not cool.
Come on! It's just a joke!
Lighten up, Roxanne!
Just a second!
Can I use the toilet?
I need a fuckin' second, dude!
Fuck!
What am I doing?
I've got to write the eulogy.
I guess I've got to change
everything about myself,
and everybody else.
Yeah, right.
And shampoo the unicorn.
You're the boss of this.
Dude!
Stop pushing me around!
Stop pushing you around?
What are you... what?
What?
Cassie.
What is it?
Come in. Sit.
What's going on?
My Mom died.
Oh my God. Cass.
What... what happened?
Can we have sex?
Sorry, it's so weird.
No, it's not weird.
Are you sure that's
what you want, though?
Feel like I'm fucked up,
and I wanna get outta my head.
Or do you wanna talk about it?
I know you're tough
and all that, but...
I don't wanna talk about it.
Hey, are you still taking
a break from relationships?
- Yeah.
- Well, I-I don't know.
Okay.
Let's get you outta that head,
into that body.
I don't have a condom.
What, so just the old pull
and pray method, then?
Yeah. I'll name her after Mom.
My God, this is sick.
It's not sick, it'll just be
me, and little Elaine.
Ah...
You know,
I think almost every word
I've ever written,
while I was writing it,
I was wondering what a man
would think when he read it.
No, really, not just any man.
Shut up!
I got to focus!
I picture someone who a lot
of people respect.
And I imagine what he's thinking
while he's reading it.
While I'm writing.
What is this? Turn over?
I've got to focus!
What are those dangly things,
udders? Turn over!
Jesus! Shut up!
And if there are no men around,
I imagine there are cameras.
With men behind the cameras,
spying on me.
Imagined how I looked to them.
A girl who doesn't even know
she's being looked at.
Come on, where'd you learn that?
Sounds fake! Be more natural!
Jesus!
Oh, and that sex face
might be confused
with your where's
my other sock, face.
Just an observation.
I can't. I can't.
I can't. I can't.
I can't, I'm too distracted.
Fuck.
It's okay.
Hey, it's okay.
Hey.
And then the beast said, "No..."
"...you will never leave
this castle..."
"No, you will never leave
this castle,"
and off the beast stalked
in a rage.
However, a little later
he returned
and spoke solemnly to Beauty,
"If you swear that you will
return in seven days time,
I'll let you go
and visit your father."
Beauty threw herself at
the beast's feet in delight.
"I swear! I swear I will!"
How kind you are!
"You've made a loving
daughter so happy!"
Okay so, a guy traps a girl,
way younger than he is,
obviously,
in a cage,
and when he finally lets
her out,
she throws herself at his feet,
in delight,
screamin' about what a nice
guy he is.
Do you have to ruin everything?
He's an abusive,
by definition, beast,
but if she just keeps loving,
and loving this asshole,
for who he is,
then he'll stop abusing her,
she'll get her greatest
and only aspiration,
which is marriage...
I liked being a princess, okay?
And he'll be magically
transformed into a generous,
respectful, non-rapey prince.
This is the uh,
gist of the story?
Ah, but...
"" Each night,
through Beauty's conversations
with the beast,
she was amazed to discover..."
It's okay.
It's okay.
Aw, blotchy face.
- Tiger lilies.
- No.
- Calla lilies?
- No.
- Roses, pink?
- I'm not goin' pink.
- She liked pink.
- I can't go pink, '
'cause then everybody at
the funeral is gonna think...
Fuck.
Hi, Aunt Jane.
I'm just at the florist.
Oh yeah, that's wonderful.
- How you holdin' up? You okay?
- I'm fine.
Honey, listen, I have one
more special job for you.
Would you go to the house,
and would you pick out
a dress for her to wear?
I think actually you're
the only person
- who could do this job.
- Um...
- Yeah, that's wonderful.
- That's great.
That is so good of you, sweetie,
and I think it's a really,
really important thing.
And um, I just got off
the phone with Danny,
and him, and your Dad, and I
all agree that the eulogy,
hon, it's just not a good idea.
I think that's it's just gonna
be too much for you,
- you know what I'm saying?
- I'm doing it.
Why, honey? Because of
the Christmas party?
Yes, it...
- it-it has to be me.
- Okay, why?
- Tulips?
- Please, Cassie...
- Aunt Jane, I got to go.
- I'm in the middle of this.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Cassie, I think that this...
Shit.
Um, no.
- Sunflowers?
- What's the occasion?
- A funeral.
- Were they close?
My Mother.
I'm sorry, you lost your Mother.
Yeah. Shit.
Thank you.
What album is that from?
Oh, it's not really a song.
- What does that mean?
- I just heard it.
It's... I was...
fiddling around...
to Joni-tuning.
Come on, Mom, give yourself
some credit.
For what?
For giving you a broken home?
And me a failed marriage?
And, wonder of wonders,
a failed career.
A triple... no,
trifecta of shit.
Mom, we're still a family,
just the living arrangements
have changed.
Just 'cause a marriage
is shorter than others
doesn't mean it wasn't good,
it was just shorter.
A novel isn't less good because
it has fewer pages, right?
Plus, humans used to die
at the age of 40.
Now we get several lives,
lots of relationships.
And, the career thing...
Yeah, I mean...
What about white lilies, then?
Um, do you have any um,
blue flowers?
We have some dried flowers
in the back.
Perfect.
Are you sure you don't want
something more like, alive?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Um, I don't know, five bouquets?
- No, seven.
- Seven bouquets.
Here-here's the address
of the church.
- It's uh, tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow?
Mhm. Yeah.
Gotta go get the dress.
What am I gonna say?
She made pie.
She was a hard-ass.
Yeah, right.
Pick out a dress for my Mom
to wear in her coffin.
- Did you see it?
- See it?
I bought five copies!
It's brilliant.
You're brilliant.
I learned so much.
And you're totally right
about that first paragraph.
Did you see I kept your thing
about the ego?
Yeah, that worked well.
- You like the shot?
- Aaron took it.
Oh yeah, it's beautiful.
I'm not sure brown's
your colour.
I mean, it's a completely
beautiful shot.
Thanks, Mom. I got to go.
Hi, Cassie,
I'm not feeling very well.
It's like my heart is...
racing,
but I'm very tired.
Dizzy. Can't be hot flashes,
because I'm done with all
that business.
Anyway,
I'm blathering on here.
And I'm sure you're doing
something very important.
I just love you so much,
chickadee.
I hope you know that.
911, what is your emergency?
So stupid.
What makes it a bad kiss?
There's biting. And it's fake.
It's passionate.
Have you ever worn a bra
to bed? No.
Like, the director said,
"have fun in the water!
More fun! Lift her up!
Spin her around!"
What do you think of this one?
What do you think?
You know, you can have
ideas different than mine.
I can think one thing,
and you can think another.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Babe, I know you
probably don't wanna see anyone
and you're freaking out
about tomorrow.
Please, do not give
a flying fuck
about what anyone expects
you to say.
I am coming over right now,
with a survival kit,
so open the door.
We're gonna take care of you.
Hey. CASSANDRA: Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Give me your keys.
Okay, come here.
So, what I want you to do...
is take off your pants.
Come on.
Right there.
Full disclosure,
I did bring chocolate.
I did eat it.
It was either that,
or die of starvation
or hypothermia.
Well, I support your decision.
- Are they off?
- Yeah.
Now take off your bra.
Lisa told me to take this
bottle.
It's from our wedding.
Isn't that so nice?
It's nice.
Lisa's really nice.
Yeah. She's a queen.
Is it off?
- Yep.
- Nice.
Okay now, drink the...
medium-quality lesbian
wedding wine.
Just suck it back. Yeah.
It's good. It's from 2017.
Best year.
Mm-mm.
Good girl! Yes!
Okay, now where's your lighter?
You don't have a lighter?
I was trying to give you some
sense of agency
and empowerment.
Yes, of course I have one.
Where are you going?
Smoking out the window?
No, no, no. We are smoking
in bed.
- Like adults. Get in.
- Ugh.
Yes.
Good girl!
I'm not a good girl.
I'm a shitty girl.
I'm a shitty, selfish daughter.
Why, because of Christmas?
You were wasted.
That's what Christmas is for.
Hey, it's okay, it's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
Yeah.
It's okay.
- Cass?
- Yeah?
Just back the fuck off, okay?
I mean, you're hot, but like,
it's not happening.
Come on!
You are my type, but I mean...
- Well, that's good to know.
- Mhm.
I was outta my mind.
Why did she listen to me?
She shouldn't have listened
to me.
Okay, hold on, hold on.
Can I ask you something?
Did you meet your mother?
Because she never listened
to anyone.
She made all her own choices.
- This is true.
- Like, being a Mom.
Elaine loved being a mom.
That's why she chose it.
You're right.
- And she liked being at home.
- It made her feel good.
Hi, honey, it's your Mom.
It's Tuesday at uh, 8:53 p.m.
I've been thinking
about what you said
at the Christmas party
the other night.
I know things got a little
heated there,
and so, it was hard to hear,
but well, not literally
hard to hear,
because you were screaming
down my neck,
but I think you might be right.
I think there's truth in it.
You have always been the truth
teller in our family,
and the old phrase,
"the truth shall set you free"
seems appropriate.
I'm gonna take another crack
at writing,
and don't laugh, dating,
and well, everything.
Anyway, give me a call
when you have a minute.
I love you.
What? What?
Honey, you forgot your present!
Here, maybe you could
wear it tonight.
Uh... I think I'm good like
this. I think...
You don't like it?
Honey, you can't wear that.
Why not?
Well, it looks like
you don't care.
I don't. Okay.
I don't.
Well then, put this on.
Honey, just put it on.
- Come on! Just do it!
- Okay, okay.
- Come on. Put it on.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I'm doing it. I'm doing it!
Here. Okay.
- Put it on!
- I am!
Let me... I'm doing it!
Let me do it! Mom!
- Okay!
- I'm 30 years old,
- I can dress myself.
- Fine.
Okay.
Mom! Oh my God.
It's just... it's...
it's not me.
Well, sometimes you do
things for other people.
You know a lot about that.
And you wouldn't.
There. It looks great.
- What are you saying...
- are you saying I'm selfish?
Are you saying I'm selfish?
No, no I...
No, no I know it's just...
cool and all that,
but how are men gonna know what
a wonderful girl you are,
if you scare them off?
Oh.
It's true.
- Well, there's your aunt Jane.
- Hello?
Honey, the truth is,
if you make yourself seem
available,
or even a little flirtatious,
you'll just make better tips.
That's just the way it is.
So you want me to whore
myself out,
for like a few extra bucks
to like, shove in my bra?
Whatever.
Yep, that's exactly what I want.
Noted, Mom.
What did zero say to eight?
- What?
- Nice belt.
- Boo!
- Dad joke.
You get it 'cause it's
the circle.
Okay, okay. I got one.
- Wow. Look at this.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is...
I don't know if you've ever
looked better.
- Honestly like...
- This is Elaine's special.
What's it called...
okay, Ar-Arlene's Babies,
the one across
from the big Loblaws,
and I was looking for a stroller
for Dan and Amber,
for a surprise Christmas
present.
Aw.
I was looking for one that
could manoeuvre easily
through the snow.
I wanna get this little nugget
the right set of wheels.
And, one that's sturdy enough
to pass on to the next nugget.
And the next one.
And the next one!
Anyway, so there
were several options,
but the one that I really liked
had a good set of wheels,
and it had some coffee carrier,
and a doll -
in case you didn't know
what a stroller was for -
and so, I...
I took it out onto the sidewalk
for a test drive.
And I'm testing the grip,
and I'm...
you know,
I didn't do any donuts,
but I'm poppin' some wheelies,
when a woman comes screaming
after me,
"That's my baby!
She stole my baby!"
It was a real baby.
- The doll was a real baby!
- No!
I mean,
it was so small and light,
I really could've sworn
it was a doll!
Typical stupid Elaine manoeuvre.
- I got a funny story.
- Easy, Uncle Jake.
I had to go to a Canadian
Tire the other day,
because we had a bit of
a mishap with a raccoon.
Oh boy.
Honey, that is not
a Christmas story!
Well, it's a family
of raccoons story,
so it is kind of a Christmas
story.
Oh!
Mother.
She liked kids.
She loved kids.
My mother would make
things special
for me and Danny.
She was a writer.
She wrote...
she was an editor.
She could make a great
blanket fort.
My Mom was a sweet...
she was a musical person.
Oh my God.
My Mom was a good cook.
Elaine was a great chef.
She wrote poetry.
She...
my Mom...
- Oh my God, okay.
- We have an hour.
- Ugh.
- Okay.
Just breathe.
Okay, that's enough breathing.
All right. All right,
look at this beauty!
Let's do this!
Nice, hot shower.
- Okay, okay.
- There we go.
- Come on.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Thank you.
- Thank you for coming.
- Hi. Oh, you came.
- The last time I saw her.
- What a shock. What a shock.
It was just the other day.
Did you call her?
Shoot. No, I didn't call her.
Are you ready to say
something, just in case?
Can you go see if she's-
if she's coming?
See if she's down the street?
I think you should think
of something to say.
I'm thinking of something
to say, I know.
- I'll look.
- I just wish I had time
- to think of something.
- You'll be okay-you'll be okay.
What are you gonna say?
I wanna say...
I just want everyone to know
how incredible she was.
Wanna say,
what's incredible is how
much potential she had,
that no one else
ever got to see.
And then she died unfulfilled.
What a waste.
That's what I wanna say,
what a fuckin' waste.
Talking about what a waste
Mom's life was, at her funeral?
Good move, asshole.
It's not your Mom's fault,
- it's a much bigger problem.
- I'm not blaming her.
I'm just saying,
she could've been so much more,
and why don't we use
this opportunity,
so it doesn't keep happening,
and we learn from it?
But like, you want me
to be nice all the time,
just say nice things, like Mom?
You're not nice.
Throwing Mom under the bus
at her funeral isn't an option.
This is the last chance
to make it up to her.
So Mom was perfect. The end.
If I don't say this,
then I'm throwin' Mom under
the bus,
myself under the bus,
Aunt Jane, Moira, Gail, Bubba,
I'm throwin' them all
under the bus!
It's not the time
or the place...
- It's never the right time!
- It's never the right time!
It's not fair that I can't
just talk about this!
- Not fair?
- Seriously?
Okay, poor you.
You are a white, thin,
middle-class,
educated, hetero Canadian.
No one was ever stopped you
from saying anything
you wanted to say.
You have no idea
how lucky you've got it.
Cassandra!
We're all ready for ya, honey.
Come on in!
There's a place for you up
front, beside your Dad, okay?
You look beautiful.
Just tell the truth.
- Nice sweater.
- Mhm.
Good to see ya look
like a woman.
- Thanks...
- You're welcome.
Uncle Jake.
Ooh!
It's okay.
- I'm okay!
- Oh my God!
- These things happen.
- You all right?
Oh my God! I'm so sorry!
Teach you how to hold your
liquor, little lady.
- You okay?
- Dad, are you serious?
Oh my God, Danny,
what did you do?
Are you kidding me?
Jesus, Cass.
Who invited her?
- It's Granny's ornament.
- Oh shoot.
Come on, it's no big deal!
Here, just have a little
medicine.
- Excellent. That's...
- Here.
- Whoa.
- What?
Don't you think you've had
enough, chickadee?
No, you're not seriously
gonna lecture me
on how much I've had to drink?
This is a party, Mom!
Hey, hey, help me
get the lemon squares.
- No, I'm fine.
- Mom... I'm okay, Aunt Jane.
Like, how about the happy pills
that you and I both know
you should've stopped taking
years ago?
Okay.
Have I ever given you a hard
time about that?
I've never talked to you
about that.
- Okay, Cass, settle down.
- No.
No! Not settle down.
Cassandra, I think you're
going to regret...
What, I-I'm not gonna regret
speaking my mind, Mom.
I don't care!
Like, you're gonna regret
wasting your mind
on stupid shit!
Fucking baby buggies? Outfits?
Typical stupid Elaine maneuver?
Why don't you do something, Mom?
Why don't you like,
do something?
- You never even tried!
- All I do is try!
- Cass. Just shut up now.
- No, I'm cool.
- I'm good, Danny!
- Cass!
- I'm talking now!
- I'm talking now!
Like, why do you have to be
so nice all the time?
And now you've numbed yourself
to everything,
and you've wasted
your whole life!
Elaine's family asked
me to thank everyone today,
for being here.
Of course, we're all drawn
here today
with a tremendous sense of loss.
I know you'll be comforting
one another today.
I'll do my best
to lead us toward
some sort of spiritual solace.
But I can tell you,
the greatest comfort today
will be in reflecting
on this vibrant life lived.
And your presence here today
is a testament to that.
And now we'll hear from
Elaine's daughter, Cassandra.
Ugh!
Hey, you got this.
Ugh!
No. No. No.
Okay.
I'm so proud of you.
Remember, always use your voice.
I won't be very far away.
My Mom...
was many things.
And I loved her so much.
I remember,
I think it was my first memory,
that feeling of her warm skin
in the pool.
And when she would put me
to sleep,
she would hum,
and I would feel...
and I would feel
the vibration of her voice...
- In me.
- In me.
Against my cheek.
I remember her hands.
And she always said to me,
that you can cure almost
anything with a hot bath.
Not this.
Once, she was
editing an essay of mine,
and she wrote this line.
We laughed about it, actually.
I yelled at her, actually,
but I'll never forget it.
"Her unassuming demeanour"
betrayed an internal landscape
"as vast and mournful
as any ancient poet."
It's true.
It's true that there was
so much no one got to see.
Or hear.
Or read. It makes me angry.
It makes me angry.
So much she could have given.
The world didn't make it
possible.
So...
so she gave it all to me.
And to Danny.
She doubted if she was enough.
Mom, Mom...
you were so much more
than enough.
You even gave me your blessing
to use my own voice.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
I'm just trying to understand
how to use my voice...
To figure out how to use it...
well.