Mr 3000 (2004) Movie Script

You don't like me because
I don't sign autographs.
You don't like me because
I don't smile for the camera.
You don't like me because
I don't suck up to the press.
You don't like me
because I make a lot of money.
But you love me.
Because I'm one of
the greatest hitters alive.
We're back in Milwaukee,
and the sound you hear reverberating
across the cities and farms
of the great state of Wisconsin
is the roar of the Brewer faithful
for their longtime hero, Stan Ross.
And here he comes
with that trademark arrogant scowl.
2,999 hits to date
in his illustrious career.
Will this at bat, July 29, 1995,
against the rookie right-hander
Billy Earll, be the historic moment
when Ross joins
only 20 other major leaguers
in that elite 3,000-hit club?
Stan, you gonna be the best-looking cat
in the Hall of Fame,
that's for doggone sure.
Yo, scrub. You want my autograph now
or after I make history?
You ain't getting this hit off me.
This is gonna be
your one career highlight.
You're gonna be
a game-show answer, partner.
- Well, I'll take "Kiss my ass" for 1,000.
- Make it 3,000.
You hear that?
You hear the language on that rookie?
Kiss my ass.
How about you, Ernie? I guess you're
gonna tell me to kiss your ass, too?
- Why don't you suck my...
- I'll show you what "Kiss my ass" look like.
Dammit, Joe. He know better
than to get me pissed off.
Well, no pitcher wants to be the one
that gives up that 3,000th base hit.
Clearly, young Earll
just sent that message -
a purpose pitch to get Ross angry.
Come on, Stan, this is the one.
You know what I'm talking about.
Hope he trips and breaks his leg.
Oh, my.
It's a vicious line drive off Earll's...
Well, it's a bell-ringing base hit.
That's what it is.
- Stan Ross is safe at first...
- Coach, get me that ball.
...with hit number 3,000.
That's the ball that got me
into the Hall of Fame.
- You want this ball, Ross?
- Yeah. Thanks, man.
There goes your damn ball.
You see that, Coach?
You see what he just did? He threw
my Hall of Fame ball up in the stands.
- What's your problem?
- Back up. Back up.
Move, man.
You be out here when I get back,
or someone will have to pull a piece of
baseball history out the crack of your ass.
- What you looking at, big fella?
- Make a move.
Yeah, OK, I'll shrink your big ass.
You'll get some, too.
You saw what he did, Coach.
All right, guys.
That ain't gonna mean nothing, boy.
Who got my ball? Open that gate.
All right. He's coming on up.
Congratulations, Stan.
Give me my ball.
- What?
- What'd he say?
Give me my 3,000-hit ball.
Don't look at your daddy, damn it.
Give me my ball.
Make him a trade at least.
Give him a cap or an autographed bat.
- I'm not trading anything.
- What the...
Are you all right, pal?
Why don't you take his cotton candy
while you're at it?
So, Stan, were you glad to get
number 3,000 right here in Milwaukee?
Sure. You ask any
of the all-time greats, man.
We all got a special connection
with our hometown fans.
What connection did you make
with that kid who caught the ball tonight?
Now, what you talkin' about?
People sitting in that section
say you threatened him.
I gave him good advice.
What the hell wrong with you people?
I just became a legend like Willie Mays,
Stan Musial and Carl Yastrzemski.
Y'all gonna try to speak
on something negative?
That's exactly what I'm talkin' about.
That's why I'm quittin'.
- What?
- Wait. What do you mean, quitting?
Quittin'. I'm done.
Hangin' it up.
Now that I got this,
I ain't playin' no more.
And that means no more talking
to you stank-ass reporters.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, that's right.
I'm talking to you and I'm talking to you.
And I said "stank-ass".
Why now with the Brewers
still in the race?
Couldn't you wait until after the season?
I'd have quit last season if I didn't think
you all were gonna try to block me
from the Hall of Fame.
But it don't matter,
cos I got mine - 3,000.
Like it or not, I'm a certified immortal.
And there ain't nothin' in the world
you sons of bitches can do about it.
Attention, all Milwaukee leprechauns.
All you Milwaukee leprechauns,
this is Saint Paddy's Day.
Get your shamrock groove on
at Stan Ross' Mr 3000 Sports Bar,
located on Peacock Street
in Waukesha County.
We got 3,000 different kind of beers.
We got Wild Irish Rose
and anything that you might want.
But wait. There's more.
You want to get that heavy vibration
from that special someone?
Get your page on at 3000 Beeps.
Get your hair dyed, fried
and laid to the side at 3000 Cuts.
Knickknack patty-whack,
get your dog a bone.
And get your woof on at 3000 Paws.
Get your Szechwan feast
on at 3000 Woks.
Bring the whole family down
to Mr 3000 Shopping Centre.
Mr 3000 Shopping Centre,
located at 3000 Peacock Street...
First year, I was 150 votes short.
Come here.
Second year,
I was less than 50 and so on.
Last year, I was just four votes away.
Sportswriters hate me.
But my numbers don't lie.
I got 3,000 up there,
one for each one of my hits.
They gotta let me in.
It's my year, and everybody knows it.
- What about him?
- Who's that?
You know who that is.
That's T-Rex Pennebaker.
- Best player on the Brewers.
- T-Rex Pennebaker ain't nothin'.
I don't even know why
you bothered learning his name.
Especially with what you got
in front of you, a living legend.
A certified immortal.
And I know you don't know
a whole lot of immortals.
- Easy, old man.
- Old man?
What you mean is "aged",
like USDA beef.
- It's what's for dinner.
- Not on my plate.
- No?
- No.
Just ain't like the old days, huh, Boca?
Spring training. You can practically
smell the grass, can't you?
Can't say I can, man.
What, you don't miss it?
Miss it? Nah.
See, Stan didn't make too many friends
when he was playing here.
He wasn't very good with the press.
We invited him to Old-timers' Day
every year since he retired.
That's nine years.
And he never RSVP'd once.
Look, he might not want to do this,
you know what I'm saying?
No. What are you saying?
I'm just saying, Stan Ross Day.
Retire his number.
The fans, man.
Did he go for it?
Did you hit him with the fans bit?
How about the part where you say
you didn't know if I would do it?
Boca, I swear, when you get going,
you can talk a stripe off a zebra.
Welcome to beautiful Miller Park.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're here today to retire number 21,
worn by one of the Brewers'
all-time greats.
Seven times an All-Star,
a member of that exclusive
3,000-base-hit club,
the Wizard of Wood,
the Count of Contact
and the King of the Swing,
Milwaukee's own Mr 3000 -
Stan Ross.
Damn. I still look good.
He hasn't lost his touch, has he?
And joining us today
to pay tribute to Stan,
let's welcome former team-mate
Bill "Big Horse" Borelli.
I think he played with you
a couple of months in '79.
He was a middle reliever.
What happened to Paul Molitor, man?
Robin Yount? Cecil Cooper?
- What happened to them?
- They declined.
We're lucky we got him.
You know, a lot of people said
that Stan only looked out for himself,
that he wasn't a team player.
But I'm here to tell you
that if you get 3,000 hits,
you don't have to be a team player.
If you have a lifetime.314 average,
you don't have to be a good guy.
If you lead the league
in batting for three years,
you can be the biggest jerk in the world.
He laughin', man. He laughin'.
So, on behalf of all of us
who played alongside of you,
Go on, go on, man.
You can't help me now.
Also here with us today,
you remember him well,
number eight, Anthony Carter.
All right, now, come on.
Tell them like it is, Boca.
Come on, baby. Now we're talkin'.
Me and Stan were team-mates.
Man, could he hit the ball.
Tell 'em, baby.
- And I loved him for that.
- I love you more.
That's it?
I'm trying to get enshrined, Boca.
That's it?
Man, y'all killin' me, man.
All right, Milwaukee, let's hear it
for our Brewers' own Stan Ross.
Thank you, David.
Thank you so much. First of all,
I want to thank you, Mr Schembri,
and the entire
Milwaukee Brewers organisation.
And to my main man,
my best friend, Boca Carter.
And to you, Old Donkey.
- Big Horse.
- Whatever.
But most of all,
I want to thank you all - the fans.
You were always there for me.
And I know for a fact, if it was up to you,
I'd have been in the Hall of Fame
a long time ago.
But unfortunately,
it's up to a bunch of sportswriters.
Some metalhead half-asses.
How the hell do you bat 3,000 and not
be selected into the Hall of Fame?
What type of bullshit is that?
Let me tell you something. You all
believed in me when I was at my best.
You all believed in me
when I was at my worst.
You, the fans.
That's why I know for a fact
I can depend on you all to bring me,
Stan Ross, to Cooperstown.
- I can hear you say "Stan."
- Stan.
- Say "Stan Ross."
- Stan Ross.
"Stan Ross."
Stan Ross.
- "He's the Boss."
- He's the Boss.
- Say "Hall of Fame."
- Hall of Fame.
- "It's a damn shame."
- It's a damn shame.
Over here, say, "Hell, yeah."
Hell, yeah.
- Say, "Hell, yeah."
- Hell, yeah.
- Say, "You're the man."
- You're the man.
- Let me hear it again.
- You're the man.
- They love me.
- You're the man.
You're the man. You're the man.
- You got a minute?
- Hang on. What?
You know how when we think
somebody's gonna be voted in,
we run the numbers? Every one of
the wins, every home run, every hit?
- Yeah.
- We were running that for Stan Ross.
A list of every one of his 3,000 hits.
- There's an error.
- One of the hits was an error?
No, all the hits were hits.
There just aren't 3,000 of them.
OK. Start over.
OK, there was a game in May 1982
that was called for curfew.
When they finished in August,
the hits were recorded twice -
once in May, once in August.
Stan Ross had three hits in that game.
That means that
three of the hits don't count.
- So you're telling me...
- Stan Ross, Mr 3000,
- has only 2,997 hits.
- 2,997 hits.
As Giaco tried to escape
across the rope bridge,
he realised that he was trapped
by both sides,
by the dreaded, evil boars.
Giaco knew his only hope
was to do the unthinkable,
and that was to jump far, far below,
into the raging, raging river.
Hold on, kids.
Hey, man, the press is eating it up.
What happened to Giaco?
- What happened to Giaco?
- What?
- What happened to Giaco?
- What happened, man?
Shut up.
I can't believe he said that.
2,997? Man, that's bullshit.
Mr Ross. Please, the children.
To hell with the doggone kids.
Giaco's dead.
The Hall of Fame vote is in,
and Stan Ross is not.
The always-controversial ex-Brewer
had slowly crept to
within four votes of enshrinement,
but this time finished 147 votes shy,
following a correction
in the record books that left him
three hits short of the magical 3,000.
Looks like Stan's gonna have to wait...
- Turn it off.
...till next year to wait till next life.
From the green...
I can't let 'em do it to me.
I can't let 'em take away my legacy.
You love me because I'm one
of the greatest hitters alive.
You love me because I'm one
of the greatest hitters alive.
You love me because I'm one
of the greatest hitters alive.
I'm back.
The King with the Swing,
the right arm they call "The Gun",
Stan Ross. Nitroglycerin himself.
Number 21, the man with the sweetest
swing in the major league, is back.
You gotta be jokin'.
- How old are you? 50?
- 47 and gettin' younger.
That's why I love you, man.
Man, what the hell...?
What's your damn problem, man?
That was four-tenths of a second.
That's how much time you have
after the ball leaves the pitcher's hand
to decide whether it's a fastball,
a split-finger...
Wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
What you know about the game?
You ever played in the majors?
Figures. He's wrong.
No, I've just been
a Brewers fan my whole life,
while you treated the team
and the fans and the city like dirt.
Yo, Boca, get this man another bottle.
- Well, thank you. I appreciate that.
- You're welcome.
- No, I want you to try it again.
- What?
See, cos last time
I wasn't standing at the plate.
Come on, try it again. Yeah.
Boca. See that?
Three more of these, three more hits.
As I said before, Stan Ross is back.
Better talk to him, Boca.
Ladies and gentlemen, number 21,
the great, the fantastic,
Mr Incredible: Stan.
I thought when we retired his number we
wouldn't have to see that prick any more.
He's a senior citizen.
Do you think I want him here?
And he hasn't played the game
in nine years.
It's not like we're in the American League
any more, so he's gotta play the field.
Can he even handle first base
at his age, let alone hit?
We are in fifth place,
and we are not drawing flies.
And we've got two
very long months ahead of us.
The biggest crowd we've had all year
was the day we retired Stan's number.
Now, we give him a physical,
give him a month to get in shape.
Then after that September
roster expansion, if he's up to it...
we put him in the line-up.
- Bo, all I need is a bat.
- That's it, baby.
Look at him. He ain't got no waist
on him. He got nothin'.
- Stan Ross.
- Hey.
Eddie Richling.
I'm the conditioning coach.
He here to carry you home?
The only thing Boca gonna carry
is my plaque to the Hall of Fame.
- That's why I love you, man.
- I love you more, baby.
- Is that right?
- That's right.
- How many push-ups can you do?
- One arm or two?
Well, I'll tell you what, man. Last time
I counted, what was it, about 40, 50?
I got five bucks in my pocket
says you can't give me ten.
That's easy money. Back up, man.
- Boca, you better help your boy down.
- He didn't help me in.
Come on, let's see what you got.
OK, well, that's one.
- How many is that?
- I don't know. I'd say 40, 50.
That's four.
Come on, Stan.
You got this, man.
Your knee touched, man.
That's a girl push-up. That don't count.
- You see my knee touch, Boca?
- Well, it might have, yeah.
But who said girl push-ups don't count?
Yeah, who said
girl push-ups don't count?
How you want to pay me,
cash or check?
Look at them arms starting to shake.
Come on. Come on.
OK, Stan, now you ready
to get started for real?
Man, what type of shit is this?
Hydrostatic weighing.
It's how we're gonna determine
how much body fat you really have.
I don't need my balls washed
to tell you how much I weigh.
Hold your breath, Stan.
This ain't nothin'
but a Southern baptism.
It's called modern technology, Stan.
Recently, the Brewers have
incorporated new methods of training
into their exercise regimen.
We're gonna get you started
on this bad boy.
Look at this.
- This looks like some punishment.
- Actually, it's very gentle.
- It's called Pilates.
- Pi-what?
Breathe in.
OK, feel the extensors now?
I feel like Flipper.
B, that's what I'm talkin' about.
I'm gonna start off real light, about 463.
You can throw on 463
if you want to, chicken chest,
but your equipment is right over there.
Remember what I told you.
Keep that ass up, all right?
Push. Whoa, where you going?
Get back here.
Is this a joke?
It's only a joke
if you think weak abs are funny.
- Feel it in your lats?
- Yeah, I feel it.
In my spine and my butt, too.
Push it. Push it.
Push it. Come on.
Whoa, where you going?
Get back here, get back here. Come on.
Go. Go.
Whoo. Yeah.
Stand up.
Sit down.
Come on, now up.
Look at this boy go.
Look at your boy.
- What's your name?
- Stan Ross.
- Tell 'em your name.
- Stan Ross.
- Who are you?
- Stan Ross.
- Louder.
- They call me the Boss.
- Who?
- Cos I pay the cost.
- Why?
- Cos I'm Stan Ross.
So, tomorrow, man - you ready?
Game's changed a lot
since we last played.
I still see the ball.
I still hit the ball.
All day.
But I do miss playin'.
I know I always said I didn't, but I do.
Ain't nothin' like hittin'
in the major leagues,
bein' part of that great tradition.
I never felt that type of respect
that I felt on the ball field.
That kind of attention.
Shoot, that reminds me.
You got a call this afternoon.
Some ad-agency guy from New York.
Endorsement? Was it Reebok?
It's not Reebok.
Adidas or Nike?
Viagra, man.
You'd be the spokesman.
I ain't gonna be no damn spokesman
for no Viagra.
I can still swing my bat, Bo.
Are we ready to roll here?
OK, the Milwaukee Brewers
are pleased to be able to help
a member of the Brewer family
reclaim his rightful place
in baseball history.
So it is with great pride
that I introduce to you
the once and future Mr 3000,
Stan Ross.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr Schembri, and to
the Milwaukee Brewers organisation.
And I promise you, it won't be like
the last time I was in front of a microphone,
with all that cussin' and shit, you know?
- Stan.
- Yes?
Is this only about
getting back to 3,000 hits,
or do you truly believe you can help make
the Brewers more competitive on the field?
How could I not make them
more competitive?
Let me be a little bit polite here.
The Milwaukee Brewers are weak.
- Here we go.
- Who they got?
They're a Little League team.
You all know it. They need me.
How do you think you'll adjust
to the contemporary game?
You ever heard of Harold Melvin
& The Blue Notes? Earth, Wind & Fire?
Some things just always play well.
A little "old school"
is exactly what this team needs.
- What if you don't hit?
- What's that?
I said, "What if you don't hit?"
If all this talk is just talk and it becomes
obvious that you're hurting the team,
will you take yourself out of the line-up?
I said I'm gonna hit. And when I say
I'm gonna do something, I do it.
- That's not always how it works.
- Well, it is with me.
Not the way I remember.
Well, maybe you remember something
you thought I said I was gonna do,
but didn't say I was gonna do it,
cos I cold-blood do everything
I say I'm gonna do.
- Is that the way you were raised?
- Straight up and down, like 6.00.
So what does your mama think
about this comeback foolishness?
Why are we getting on this mama stuff?
OK, that's it for today, folks.
Thank you very much.
You really nailed him on that one.
- Maureen.
- Hey.
What you doing here?
What do you think?
I'm covering a story for ESPN.
- Why you, though?
- They sent me.
Just by chance?
You ain't here to see me?
No, I'm on assignment.
They asked me to cover a story,
so I'm covering it, period.
I'll see you at the ball park.
Mo, Mo, Mo, Mo.
Wait, wait.
How about an exclusive?
See? You and me?
So, you think you'll get three hits
in your first three at bats
and get this thing over with?
Come on, Mo, I'm 47 years old.
It'll probably take me maybe
four at bats.
You're one of a kind, Stan Ross.
Thank you for sitting down with us.
- Good luck tonight.
- Thank you.
That's it. Thanks, guys.
That's a wrap.
- That wasn't too bad, now, was it?
- That was great.
After I get my hits today, you want
to come by the house to celebrate?
You know, you better keep
your mind on the game, Mr 3000.
You thinkin', eh?
Well, we'll see in a few hours, won't we?
Stan, you da man.
Livin' legend, baby.
Yes, sir, all you got to do
is walk up in there
and take those youngsters to school.
Buddy, come here.
Help me out, please, with the zipper.
- Can you give me a hand?
- You best mean a handshake.
Wait a minute. You're Stan Ross.
Stan, Stan. Huge fan.
You gotta help me out.
You gotta unzip me.
I'm gonna tell all my buddies.
"Stan Ross unzipped my pants."
- You crazy.
- I'm crazy? Thinkin' I'm crazy?
Where is he?
Stan, Stan, Stan.
Let me tell you something, Stan.
I am crazy.
Crazy for asking you to give me a hand.
Yeah, good luck on tonight's game.
Now, this shit is all right.
Sound effects could be a little bit louder
when a brother hit it, though.
That shit should sound like a cannon.
Mr Ross.
- I'm Rick, the clubhouse assistant.
- Just Stan. I'm just Stan.
All right.
That's your locker right over there.
Thank you.
Go ahead, man.
It's in my locker.
- I'm Stan Ross.
- I know very well who you are.
I grew up watching
your excellent play on television.
You are hero to many
young Japanese players.
But you have hole in your ass.
A hole in my ass?
- What's his problem?
- That's Fukuda.
He was taught English pretty good
in school in Japan,
but they never taught him
to cuss worth a damn.
But why he cuss me out?
I ain't never did nothin' to him.
Brother, you're looking
at 25 Little Leaguers in here
who all wanna give you
an ass-whupping.
Six to three.
Six to three, man.
- Six to four.
- You're right, 6-4. I was trying to cheat.
Minadeo, Skillett.
Second and short.
They'll go at it over anything.
- What are you talking about?
- No. That's half out.
- It all got to be in the basket.
- It half went in.
- It has to go in, all of it.
- You're always trying to pull this.
What do you say, Grandpa?
Does that count?
- Here it is.
- Line-up.
- One base hit, dinner's on me.
- Yes.
Now batting leadoff.
Skills that pay the bills.
Was Panas here yet
back when you were playing?
Yeah, he was here. But I don't think
I was one of his favourites, though.
Stan Ross, you bat eighth.
Eighth? That's for banjo hitters.
Man, I never batted lower
than fifth in my life.
You bat that now, you son of my dick.
"Son of my dick"?
What size you swinging over there,
Old School?
34-ounce, like I always have.
You sure you can still get around
with that at your old age?
Don't you worry about me.
I been swinging this thing sweet
before you knew which side
of the bat was the good end.
- Yeah, I swing a 36 myself.
- Yeah, that's big talk.
I got a hammer my damn self.
Come on, Coach.
Ross, you suck.
How's it feel, Stan?
How about an interview after the game?
Come on, now.
Don't distract me when I'm hittin'.
Hittin's my business.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.
- There you go. Lookin' good, Stan.
- Lookin' good.
- Stan. Still the Wizard of Wood.
- Bingo.
- That's it.
I'm about to take care of business.
Bottom of the third,
and the cheers you hear,
and the boos, for that matter,
are for Stan Ross.
It's the reason most of
the 38,000-plus fans are here tonight.
First baseman,
number 21, Stan Ross!
Go, Stan. Go, Stan.
Go, Stan. Go, Stan.
- This guy throws pretty hard, Pops.
- Is that right?
Well, I hit pretty hard, son.
Strike one.
Come on, Stan. Be aggressive.
I am. Stay focused.
Keep your eye on the ball.
I'm looking dead at it.
I don't need you to tell me what to do.
Come on, then.
I've been here before.
This ain't my first picnic, baby.
Stan was a hair off timing
that big breaking ball from Hamilton.
Of course, all season, a lot of hitters,
who aren't 47 years old,
have been fooled by Hamilton.
And we're the Little Leaguers?
Not so aggressive, baby.
He playin' you.
Let him play to you, baby. Come on.
Come on, Stan. Come on, baby.
Inside fastball, and Stan Ross is out
of there on three straight pitches.
It looks like it could be a long night
for the King of Swing.
What up? Welcome to SportsCenter.
Stuart Scott with you.
We got some more baseball.
Braves at Brewers.
Who cares?
Well, Stan Ross cares.
The first week at bat was a lot like
the first week out of the womb for Stan.
A whole lot of drooling
and a lot of just flailing around
for the erstwhile King of Swing.
Let's check out the highlights.
Well, Stan the man
more like Stan the statue,
just chillin' at a curve for strike one.
Next pitch. Now, wait a second.
What was it that Stan said
about the rest of his team?
The Milwaukee Brewers are weak.
Who they got?
They're a Little League team.
They need me.
Little Leaguers, huh?
Well, my nine-year-old, I think, has
a better swing and better eyes than that.
Just chillin' at a called strike three,
and, well, that'll get you
some halitosis action.
Yeah, when you get just
a little too close to the umpire.
Stan's not done. I think he decided
to do a little bit of spring cleaning.
Either that, or he just wants to symbolise
how well he's been playing.
Yeah, garbage.
Now, I'm not gonna say
that every Brewer but Stan had a hit,
but I am gonna say that, well, every
Brewer but Stan that played had a hit.
Our Maureen Simmons was
at the game and had postgame duty.
Not the day Stan Ross or
the Milwaukee fans had in mind.
Word around the organisation
is that manager Gus Panas
is particularly unhappy
having Ross back in the line-up.
Apparently he hasn't forgotten the way
that Stan abandoned the team
in the middle of the pennant race
nine years ago. Stuart.
The press is having a field day.
They're just getting even with Stan
for all those years of abuse.
For turning this team
into a laughingstock.
Five games
and hasn't gotten close to a hit.
How long do we let this go on?
We got 35,000 people in the park today.
We're committed to this,
whether Stan Ross
ever gets another hit or not.
You sure you don't want anything
stronger than that club soda?
- No, I'm good.
- Thanks, Boca.
- Why you call him Boca?
- Look at him.
He look like he's ready for Boca Raton
with them track suits on him.
- Stan don't appreciate my velour.
- That's all he wears.
Mo, I swear, he has
a black one for funerals.
Just comin' from me, I think my man
take his old Reebok endorsement deal
a little bit too serious.
- A lifetime supply.
- That's why I love you.
- No, that's why I love you.
- No, I love you more.
- No, no, I love you more.
- No, no, I started the love.
- And your life's been richer ever since.
- I hear you.
- Nice to see you again, Mo.
- You too, Tony.
So, you hire a fancy decorator
to help you do this place?
Girl, you need to quit fightin'.
You know doggone well you thought
I was gonna be old and tired
when I quit the game.
- Honestly, I never thought about it.
- Yeah, you thought it.
But I got news for you. I own this place,
and I own all the stores next door.
3000 Suds, 3000 Woks
and 3000 Beeps.
That's why you're comin' back.
So all them names still make sense.
Sister, you know why I'm comin' back.
Cos I deserve to be in the Hall
of Fame with all the other immortals.
You know, you really shouldn't
word it like that.
Is that right?
- What?
- You know what.
- You better hush.
- You eatin' that steak.
Let me see something.
Come here. Flex.
Mo, Mo, baby, look at you.
Come on, Mo.
Look at you, Mo.
And quick still.
You gonna eat this?
You sure got time to eat.
Baby, you hungrier than a hostage.
Take a bite out of crime.
That killed me there, I'll tell ya.
Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.
You don't train no more.
You don't drink no more.
Now, what's up with that?
Cos I remember
how you used to drink half
the American League underneath the table.
Well, I realised I had to start cuttin' loose
from those things
that weren't gettin' me anywhere.
- Where you need to be gettin'?
- On with my life.
We don't stay young forever, Stan.
Come on.
You know we're young enough.
I don't think so, Mr Ross.
Come on, now. I know you
remember what it was like.
You can't tell me
we didn't have something pretty special.
- Good night.
- What about Kansas City?
That was a mind-blowing weekend.
You mean to tell me
you forgot about that?
- Bye-bye.
- Cleveland,
when I had your toenails
poppin' off like Redenbacher.
- Bye.
- Come on, how about Toronto?
- Come on, say it.
- Come on, now.
You know I didn't expect you
to surprise me in Toronto.
You know how
those Canadian groupies are.
- Come on, now.
- You know what?
Don't give me that crap.
You're a selfish man.
You always were.
OK, if you so upset, why was you willing
to get back with me every now and then?
Yeah, we got together for a night,
but I didn't stay for breakfast, now, did I?
We'd still be doin' it
if you didn't take that ESPN gig.
Well, when there's a better offer
on the table, you gotta take it.
- I'll pay for it.
- Bye-bye.
The count is 1-1
on the second baseman Minadeo.
Brewers down by four.
Runner at first.
They sure could use a little spark here.
Glickman now on the mound,
working from the stretch.
Throws to first and they picked him off.
Skillett is caught napping.
When is this ball club going to wake up?
Another mistake.
Minadeo steps back in.
Here's the wind and the pitch. Swung on,
a one-hopper back to the mound.
He bobbles it,
but what's Minadeo doing?
He's not running. Now they pick it up,
throw to first, and he's out.
Come on.
Look at that.
There should be a man on first
and second right now.
But easy, Gus. Don't get excited.
I don't want you to pop no blood vessel.
What you all havin', prayer?
The only shining star
on the team these days
is their strapping young outfielder,
T-Rex Pennebaker.
But even his impressive power numbers
have done little
to stop the Brewers' losing streak.
Pennebaker digs in.
And here's the windup and the pitch.
Swung on
and a deep, deep drive to left field.
It's going, going. It is...
Four to one. Yet another bases-empty
home run for T-Rex Pennebaker.
What the hell is that?
That right there? That's a little
somethin'-somethin' for SportsCenter.
Plus, that's gonna look tight
in next year's video.
- Nice hit.
- What the hell you call yourself doin'?
- Yo, I'm puttin' the show in the show.
- But your team losin'.
Instead of playin',
you makin' like Mr Bojangles.
I just hit a home run, son.
Maybe you was takin'
a grandpa nap during that part.
But your team gettin' picked off.
Your boys ain't beatin' out grounders.
There should've been two men on
when you hit that homer.
- It should be a ball game right now.
- Yo, so yell at them, Old School.
- Get up out of my face. I did my job.
- You the superstar.
You set the tone.
Listen here.
When you get a base hit
in this millennium,
then you can come on down there
and talk to me.
- Is that right?
- Yeah, that's right.
Stan, you think that diaper's
affecting your swing?
Maybe you should use something lighter.
How about a Wiffle bat?
How 'bout I shove my Hall of Fame bat
up the crack of your mascot ass?
Make you a hot dog on a stick, bitch.
Yeah? I might be a sausage with teeth,
but you sure as hell
ain't no Hall of Famer.
Looks familiar?
Familiar? Well, you ain't changed nothin'
since back in the day.
In fact, I don't think you even vacuumed.
Well, why mess with perfection?
Honey, now, I can think of
a lot of descriptions for this couch,
and "perfection" ain't one of 'em.
So, what's the deal over there?
How come I hardly ever see you
on SportsCenter any more?
You know. They got some pretty
young thing they tryin' to groom.
That's some bull.
They can't treat you like that.
No, no, no. I remember once upon
a time I pushed out a 40-year-old.
Listen, I ain't been playin' this game
long enough not to know how it goes.
But I've been lookin' ahead toward it,
you know?
I'm gonna start producing next year.
I'm goin' behind the camera.
You go, girl.
Like I've been telling you, Mr Ross,
you can't beat Father Time.
Well, how come you really
haven't settled down?
The right man wasn't right.
- What's the matter with you?
- That's my song.
Come on, bump with me, Mo.
Don't leave me hangin'.
Come on, baby, come on.
I need you now.
Don't leave me hangin'.
Come on.
Come on. Come on out here.
All right, only cos I like this song, too.
Not cos I like you.
I'll take it.
Come on.
Still got it, girl.
Still got it.
- Stan.
- Yeah, baby?
Honey, stop chasing the butt.
You know what, Mo?
The best sex I ever had was with you.
- What?
- Yeah.
You had girls in every city in baseball.
- It was the best.
- Why is that?
- We do it longer?
- Not really.
- More positions, then?
- I ain't goin' there.
- More times a night?
- You still hold the record.
I don't know, baby.
I guess I like the rest of it.
The rest of it? What's left?
Well, you know.
I like the sleepin' and the talkin'
and hangin' out and stuff like that.
But that's not sex.
- It is to me.
- No, it's not sex.
What you call it, then?
Before we go too far, I want you to know
I can't spend the night.
- Why not?
- Early flight.
Where you gotta go? I got three games
before we go on the road.
- But I got to get back.
- You got to get...
Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.
Are you givin' up on me, Mo?
What you got to say about that?
You know I don't have a say.
I just go where I'm assigned.
You tell 'em I'm startin'
to swing the bat good again?
I'm just a reporter.
I don't make the news
or even decide what is the news.
You're givin' up on me, too.
You just got to make the news, baby.
Start hittin' that ball.
- Come on, come on.
- What?
- Come on.
- You want to go up? Stay down? What?
No. I'm not in the mood right now.
You're kiddin', right?
You're not in the mood?
- No.
- Come on, baby.
No, I got a headache.
Really? You gonna tell me
you got cramps, too?
You know...
All right, now. I'm leavin'.
Oh, Lord. Just when I thought
I'd seen it all.
When you get a base hit
in this millennium,
- then you can come on down...
- I can still swing my bat.
You think you'll get three hits
in your first three at bats?
Stan the man is like Stan the statue.
When you get a base hit...
You just got to make the news, baby.
Start hittin' that ball.
One, two, three strikes, you're out.
Bat boy.
A little testy. A little testy.
Anybody have a Stan Ross rookie card?
Quite valuable. If you look on the back,
you'll see it's written in Latin.
You see, very old. Very old card.
It's on parchment.
He's now 0-27 in his comeback.
- At what point does the rust come off?
- I'm not sure it ever does.
Remember, Jim Palmer tried to come back
after he was in the Hall of Fame,
and he kept himself
in a lot better shape than Ross.
Why does the media
hate this guy so much?
Because he's a jerk.
Because T-Rex is the best
in power and performance.
Find it at Radio Shack.
Radio Shack. You've got questions.
We've got answers.
Cos I want my hits
that got stolen from me.
Those hits are my ticket
to the Hall of Fame.
You're not going to the Hall of Fame.
You think three hits are keeping you out?
3,000 hits, baby, it's automatic.
- Look at me.
- I'm lookin' at you.
You're 47 years old.
You're fat, you're out of shape...
...favourite portion of the show,
the comedy portion.
I'm gonna say it here on the show,
the woman that puts on the sausage
outfit that races around Miller Park
has got a better chance
of getting a hit than Stan Ross.
That's not fair. You gotta understand, he's
a black athlete. Black athletes age slower.
George Foreman didn't
know when to get out.
Mike Tyson didn't know when to get out.
He's gonna do well.
Michael Jordan struggled,
and he was only out two years.
This guy hasn't played
since I was married to my first wife.
It just isn't possible to get out
of his day. He's a bad team-mate.
Don't say that, man.
Stan Ross was a great athlete.
Stan's all about Stan.
The Brewers knew exactly
what they were getting into.
It's a publicity stunt, just like
when the White Sox hired that midget.
Tom, you can't say "midget".
They're called "small people" now.
He's small. That guy was small
for a frickin' midget, man.
It's like if the Red Sox
thawed out Ted Williams,
although he'd hit better than Stan.
Listen, Stan's playing right now
like he's frozen.
Stan is embarrassing.
He's embarrassing me.
He's embarrassing him.
He should just give it up.
But, you know, when an athlete gets
to that point, he loses all his pride.
Yeah, you're making me cry.
I don't think he's embarrassed.
I think he's having a big-ass party
at his place, got bitches all around
and counting all his money.
I don't think Stan cares.
Wrong. He's embarrassed.
Definitely embarrassed.
He used to be able to hit,
cannot hit now.
Very embarrassed,
especially by the bitches he got around.
You think I should quit?
Do your thing, man.
- You think?
- I'm just saying.
Yeah, you're right.
I got three home games against the Astros
before we go on the road.
I'm gonna play those games,
and that's it.
If I don't get a hit, it's over.
I'm not goin' on the road.
What you think, Boca?
Do your thing, man.
You think?
I'm just saying.
Yeah. You're right.
You want to get married?
You the only one that love me, man.
I'm serious.
I've been waitin' 20 years
for you to ask me that.
And now that you have, I don't know.
Yeah, you right.
- OK, Erica Kane.
- Dog, come on. All My Children.
You need to step up the degree
of difficulty, brother.
Asa Buchanan.
- That's ABC, right?
- I ain't telling you nothing.
- One Life to Live.
- Yeah.
- OK, I got one for you.
- Come on.
- Don Roberto.
- Don Roberto.
That's the dude with the cologne.
Guiding Light.
- What?
- Wrong.
It's Amigas y Rivales.
No, no, we're not doing
Spanish shows, man.
I don't even know
what you're saying now.
- What the hell they doing?
- Seeing who can name the soaps.
You known me for two years.
Have I ever spoken Spanish?
Why don't you have a contest
guessin' which team losin' this game?
- Stupid.
- Come on, Stan.
Get a hit, Grandpa.
Strike three.
He tucks his arm in on the curve.
Number 21, Stan Ross.
You see that?
Skillett. You see that?
I was all over that nickel curve ball.
I mean, all over it.
- Looked like a groundout to me.
- Say what, partner?
I said, "It looked like a groundout to me."
You don't see it.
He tipped his pitch, and I called it.
Koron, how long has this pitcher
been in the league?
- Two years.
- Two years, man.
He's showin' his pitch,
and he don't know it.
Look here - watch his right arm.
His elbow go in like this.
He grip the ball. He throwin' a curve ball.
Dip, grip, curve ball.
Come on, man. Skillett.
Come on, baby. Come on.
Runners lead away,
and Fukuda working from the stretch.
The pitch, and a swing
and a solid line-drive single to left field.
And another run scores.
The Astros in a position now
to break this game wide-open.
You OK?
I don't want Panas to take me out.
I had a few bad outings in a row,
and if I don't get my face out of my ass
and get out this inning,
I know the team is going
to give me the shoe.
- Give you the shoe?
- Yeah, the shoe.
Look, don't be thinkin'
negative out here, OK?
Just keep the ball low and away.
We'll get you out the inning.
Then I'm gonna work on your cussin'.
All right? Come on.
Let's go, baby. Let's go.
Shortstop, number three, Cecil Gervis.
Gervis, with a six-game hitting streak,
at the plate.
Fukuda checks his sign.
The right-hander from the stretch,
checks the runners now,
and here's the pitch.
A big swing and a slow roller
towards short.
Skillett charges.
His only play is to first.
- He's safe. The bases are loaded.
- He's out.
- And Ross is hot.
- That's the third out.
That's the third damn out.
Ray Charles could've called that call.
- Last warning. Last warning.
- Damn you, man.
Be with me. Just be with me.
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
Two out. I don't even know
why I bothered comin' back.
You can't play.
You definitely can't ump.
You need to relax, old man,
before you pop a valve.
- You need to sit your ass down.
- Yeah? Why's that?
- Because you out, sucker.
- He's out.
Right here, baby.
Grab some bench.
Let's go, Brewers, let's go.
Their man keep throwing curve balls.
That's all he got.
He done lost his slider.
He done lost his fastball.
Curve ball. Curve ball.
Watch this, watch this.
Watch. Here you go.
What'd I tell you? What'd I...
- Curve ball.
- Listen to what I'm telling you.
If he throw another curve ball,
I'm gonna slap the shit out of T-Rex.
Watch him. Watch. Watch.
Watch him.
Yes. Curve ball.
What'd I tell you?
What'd I tell you, baby?
What are you jawin' about now,
Old School?
He tipped his pitch. I know you saw it.
Are you still talking about
that weak-ass ground ball, man?
Yeah, I'm talking about it.
All right, let me tell you something, man.
- All right? I hit 43 home runs.
- What?
43 home runs before you ever
even got here, man.
So I don't need none of that.
So save it.
- T-Rex.
- T-Rex.
This is the 31 st time this year that
you've homered but your team's lost.
- Does that get to you?
- My team lost, huh?
You know what, man?
This ain't my team.
If this was my team, these fools would
be hittin' home runs like I'm hittin'.
And they'd be stealin' bases
like I'm out there stealin'.
I'm the only one out there gettin' mine.
What the rest of these fools doin'?
They ain't doin' crap.
Talk about a team.
We go out there every day,
but it ain't no nine guys.
It ain't no team.
This is me up in here.
There's eight other cats
that can't even carry my...
Boy, that pup sound just like me
back in the day, I swear.
Boy, I'm tellin' you.
But you all didn't catch the real story
on tonight's game, no.
Come here.
Let me ask you all a question.
When was the last time
you all saw a 47-year-old man
end an inning
with the hidden-ball trick, huh?
Is that the first time
you pulled that off in a game?
Are the Brewers goin'
to the World Series?
It was 1989, against the Mariners.
Yo, T-Rex. Hold up.
You know why I stepped in tonight
with them reporters?
Cos you can't stand to see
another brother gettin' some attention.
- Boy, that's what you think?
- Yeah, man, that's what I think.
Let me tell you something.
You keep talking about
your team-mates the way you do,
boastin' about yourself,
you're gonna end up all by yourself.
All alone and empty,
like you are right now.
You know what's gonna happen?
They're gonna retire your number
and Big Horse Borelli gonna
be standin' up there with you.
Who the hell is Big Horse Borelli?
That's my point exactly.
Nice car.
He's picking up his stride,
blowing away the competition.
Looks like the bratwurst
is getting smoked.
No pun intended, kids.
Looks like number three,
the Italian sausage, has won the race.
Now batting, first baseman,
number 21, Stan Ross.
Come on, man.
Stan. Stan. Stan.
Yo, listen up, y'all. Yo.
Yo. Yo, listen up.
That was a good game, y'all.
Stan Ross.
I got one question for you, man.
Yo, man, what the hell was you thinkin'?
Y'all saw Old Man River swimmin' all up
in the dirt for a hit today.
Yo, but listen, man. How many games
we got left in this season?
Eleven games left, y'all.
And how many games
out of third place are we?
Seven games.
We're only seven games out, y'all.
Now, I don't see a damn reason
why we should settle
for being in fifth place, y'all.
So come on. Let's get it together
and let's do this like it's October.
Yeah. Yeah.
Let's get a "Brewers" on three.
"Brewers" on three.
- One, two, three.
- Brewers.
- One, two, three.
- Brewers.
- One, two, three.
- Brewers.
But listen, listen.
I'm on third base, right?
Nolan Ryan looking at me
like he want to kill me, right?
Boca getting ready to bunt.
Now, the manager didn't call it or nothin'.
But I know Boca's a ballplayer.
He's the real deal.
Plus, I know what he thinkin'.
He was thinkin' that I was thinkin'
what he was thinkin'.
Well, look, I'm ready
to sprint towards home.
As I'm tearin' down the line,
Boca decided he wanted to swing away.
- I wasn't thinkin'.
- Man, wasn't thinkin'?
I mean, hit a screamin' liner
right past my head.
All I heard...
Hold on, fellas. Hold on.
So, you're the story again.
Still mad at me?
Nah. I'm hittin' now.
See, this is the part I'm talkin' about.
Where you goin'?
- I gotta go.
- You gotta go where?
I just gotta go.
- What's up?
- Look, Stan. It was just sex, right?
I mean, best sex I ever had, too,
but that's all it was.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about the sleepin',
talkin', and hangin' out part?
- What about that?
- That's your idea of sex.
Hold on. A man could be wrong, now.
You said it wasn't sex.
- I'm just trying to go with that.
- No, but it was really nice, Stan.
Wait, hold on.
Let me talk to you for a minute.
Hold on now.
I wanna ask you something, Mo.
- What?
- Wait, look.
- What?
- I was thinkin' about that producer...
The behind-the-camera stuff
you was talkin' about.
And I'm just wonderin'...
Ain't there something you can do
right here in Milwaukee?
Stan, you're being very sweet.
But we both know that you
ain't never been serious enough
to go bringin' up something like that.
So I'll see you at the ball park,
- Stan.
- Yo.
- Say, "One, two, three, go."
- One, two, three, go.
Take me out to the ball game,
take me out with the crowd
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack,
I don't care if I ever get back
Yo, yo.
Come on, with that noise.
I'm tryin' to watch a game.
What are you talkin' about, papi?
This song is baseball.
That ain't no real baseball song.
You want to hear a real baseball song?
- Yeah.
- Listen.
- What the hell is that?
- Man, let me tell you something, man.
When I was a kid
on South Side Chicago,
we used to play baseball, man,
when we got out of school till it got dark.
You couldn't even see your hand
in front of your face.
I used to play centre field,
and every single day, man,
the Mister Softee ice-cream truck
used to park right behind me
and play that damn song.
Told you.
Yo. Yo. Yo.
Fellas, come on, now.
We got a game goin' on out here.
Come on, we got a shot
at third place, right?
- You're right, you're right.
- Besides, dog, that was wack.
Fairmount Park, Philly, son.
We had that Good Humor truck.
And this is what baseball music
sounds like.
That's why you're not playin' today,
cos of that song.
You're wrong for that.
Don't make no errors.
The ice-cream man is coming.
It was wrong,
the way I quit on the team back then.
I was young, Skip.
I was young.
Now batting, shortstop, number 46,
Thurman Yost.
Mow him down, Fu.
Son of a...
- Bitch.
- Good. Good. Good.
After the game, we pick up a...
- Beeyotch.
- That's pimp stuff.
Kiss my...
- Black ass.
- No, don't get personal.
- Don't get personal. No, no, no.
- That's too much.
- I didn't mean it.
- I know.
Stan's batting average in...
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
- .327.
- Yeah.
Yeah, OK. OK, my turn.
Stan Ross' RBls in 1981.
- 91.
- 93.
Bullcrap. Let me see that.
Yeah, right.
- Crap.
- 93.
- Let's play again. Your turn.
- I don't want to play any more.
- What do you mean?
- We got a game. Get serious.
Now we have a ball game.
You're a sore loser. You know what?
He's such a crybaby.
Game tied at four. Just one out
and the winning run at third base,
the Astro infield moving in.
And here comes Stan Ross.
He could win the game right here
with a long fly ball,
but you can bet
that's not what he's thinking.
Infield tight, hitter's delight.
A great chance to get hit number 2,999.
Come on, y'all.
Here we go, Stan.
Be a hitter, baby. Be a hitter.
Come on, just drive the man in.
A good fly ball, OK?
And here comes the pitch.
He swings,
and it's a high fly ball to right.
It's carrying well.
It's to the warning track.
To the wall!
It is gone.
A home run.
Stan Ross touches them all.
I don't believe it.
There go your old man, baby.
Who's the old man, baby?
Who's the old man, baby?
Who's the old man, baby?
I got your old man, baby.
I got your old man.
I got your old man.
- Way to go, Stan.
- I gave 'em they money worth tonight.
Outstanding, outstanding.
- You feel good?
- I feel great.
You look great.
You looked like a champion out there.
- Stan, let me paint you a little picture.
- Go ahead.
Miller Park, standing room only.
- You got that?
- I got it.
43,000 screaming fans,
and they're there for one reason
and one reason only -
to watch the legendary Stan Ross
step to the plate and dig in.
Shoot, that ain't no picture.
That's a damn Rembrandt.
I agree, and that's why I'm telling Gus
not to play you on the road.
Hold on, man. Chill out, baby.
What are you talking about?
Man, we're on a roll, Schembri.
We're going for third place.
You're one hit away
from making history, Stan.
Don't you think you owe it to the fans
to do it here at home?
I don't know, Schembri.
You're takin' half my at bats away.
Although I hit a home run,
I'm still 2 for 51.
2 for 58.
Stan Ross is at the plate
The fans, they sit and wait,
even though his swing's too late
Look, what I'm sayin' is,
come on, don't cut me out.
The team need me.
Come on, now.
Stan, you heard the sausage.
You're 2 for 58.
The team doesn't need you
to get third place.
They're on fire.
Come on, let's face it.
But you, my friend, you have got to start
thinking about life after baseball.
I'm talking endorsements, product lines.
A Stan Ross candy bar.
I want you doing press
all week long on the road, Stan.
You pull this off, nothing's gonna
keep you out of the Hall of Fame.
You're a champion.
Stan, Tom Arnold here.
Congratulations on everything.
The team's on a tear.
You won seven in a row.
You guys could finish third.
Are you really talking to us
from the clubhouse during the game?
Well, they're not gonna play me
until I come home off the road,
so I might as well do
something else with my time.
Stan, how does it feel
not to be playing right now?
It don't feel good, especially the way
I've been swinging the bat,
but that's Skip's decision.
I have to go with it
because, as you say,
we got a chance to make third place.
And they were in fifth place
when you got there.
I finally got 'em playin'
patented Stan Ross baseball.
- OK, Stan.
- Stan...
Stan Ross, at 47, the oldest man ever
to homer in the major leagues.
How's it feel, slugger?
To tell you the truth, Stan,
we never thought you could do it,
and some of us hoped you wouldn't,
so we owe you an apology big-time.
Well, it takes a big man
to admit when they wrong,
but like my team-mate
Kenji Fukuda taught me to say...
What? What the hell is he talking about?
- Stan...
- What does the future hold?
- Yeah, Stan...
- What about number 3,000?
What about it?
What game are you gonna get this hit in?
I think I'm gonna get it on the next at bat.
You got another homer left in you?
Keep your popcorn by your side
cos it's comin'.
- Stan Ross.
- Is it gonna be a home run?
The faster you throw it in,
the quicker it's goin' out.
Stan, listen. I hope
you weren't listening to all the trash
we were talking about you
before you hit your groove.
Tom, you wouldn't be where you are
if it wasn't for Roseanne. You know?
You know what?
That would have hurt if it wasn't true.
- Stan Ross.
- Stan Ross.
Stan Ross.
Hey, girl, you been watchin'?
The whole world loves me again, baby.
Stan Ross, the King of Swing.
Sweetheart, I'm goin' national.
You know, you're starting
to sound a little like the old Stan now.
No, sweetheart, you're gettin'
the best of both worlds.
The old and the new Stan Ross.
Team player, baby.
All right, so after you go national with all
this press, what's gonna be left for me?
I'm gonna tell you
what's gonna be left for you.
I'm gonna give you a special exclusive.
You meet me at the ball park
Thursday morning at 9.00.
Just you, me and the team.
See, I called a special practice
on my day off on our last home stand.
Wait a minute.
Stan Ross called for an extra practice?
Now, I never thought
I'd live to see this day.
I guess you are getting
a little serious, huh?
Baby, I'm gettin' serious about you.
- I'll see you at practice.
- Baby, you owe it to yourself.
Oh, boy.
What you gonna do?
Stan, go get your hit this Saturday, man.
- I got tickets for that one, huh?
- No, I got tickets for tomorrow.
You save the stubs, boys and girls,
because I'm going deep every game,
and they all gonna be collector's items.
You all watch and see.
Come here.
I got a new idea. Listen.
I got a new PlayStation game,
"Hall of Fame Baseball",
where I get a chance to hit against all those
pitchers that were dead before I was born,
like Walter Johnson and Christy
Mathewson, and that candy-ass Cy Young.
Well, you draw up the plans.
You got a call an hour ago
from The Tonight Show.
- They want you on there tomorrow.
- I'm on a roll, man.
I'm tellin' you.
That's big-time exposure.
Well, here's the hook.
They want you at the studio at 9.00.
That's cool.
But you got that extra practice
in the morning.
That's one practice. One practice.
I'm talking about Jay Leno.
That's bigger than the game.
Stan Ross. Come on out here, Stan.
What's up?
What's up, baby?
All on, baby.
Have a seat.
All right.
All right, Team Brewer is on a roll,
making a push for third place.
I'm on a roll, too, Jay.
I'm on a roll, too.
I'm sure to stay on that roll,
are you taking the Ensure every day?
Is it once a day?
And then you have a sensible meal
for dinner. I'm not sure.
I can do anything a 20-year-old can do.
Any doggone thing, baby.
- Anything, huh?
- Show you right.
Show you right.
And I can do it all night.
Dave? Yeah, there's a large black man
hitting on your wife.
- Yeah, show you right.
- What's next?
I started my own little stuff right here.
Check this out. Look at that.
- My own little candy.
- "Ross Bar."
Get a shot of that.
That is the most ratty-ass
candy bar I've ever seen.
What is that? It's a piece of loose-leaf
paper you wrote "Ross Bar" on.
- It's a prototype.
- The prototype.
You gotta start somewhere.
You know, I'm an entrepreneur.
Once you get over the initial modesty,
I think you'll be fine.
You talkin' to the ladies' pet
the men regret.
I'm Stan Ross.
What's my name, baby?
Stan Ross.
- They call me what?
- The Boss.
- Because I...
- Pay the cost.
- Because I'm...
- Stan Ross.
Turn it up, baby.
Stan Ross. Be right back right after this.
Don't go away.
Yes, sir.
Boca. Yo, Bo.
Did you see me, baby?
Jay and I did our thing.
That ain't no ESPN.
I'm talkin' big-time.
Hey, baby.
Don't you "baby" me.
I went to the ball park this morning,
and you weren't there.
Your entire team was there,
and you're a no-show.
- Well, I mean...
- "Well"?
Didn't you call for the practice?
And besides letting down
your team-mates,
you told me I could interview you.
Well, come on, interview me now.
Come on, turn the camera on.
It's not like I'm hiding from you, baby.
I'll come right around. That ain't nothin'.
Shoot. Come on, baby.
All right, forget this.
I'll just freestyle it.
- Mark, Steve, are you ready?
- You didn't ask if I'm ready.
- Well, you always ready.
- Let me get on that side.
You can see the balls.
It looks better.
- Hey, how you doin'?
- All right, Stan.
Come on, baby.
I'm here with Hall of Famer hopeful
Stan Ross,
who is now just one hit from reclaiming
his cherished 3,000 career hits.
But let's talk about the name "Mr 3000".
Fit just right, doesn't it?
Why is there so much emphasis
on the name?
- Why do you care so much about it?
- Because it identifies greatness.
When you think of Mr 3000,
you think of Mr Stan Ross,
one of the greatest hitters
straight up and down.
Who were you before Mr 3000?
Mr 3000.
I'm just kidding.
Before that, I was a young black kid
on the South Side of Chicago,
Stanley Ross, just playin' baseball.
What does Stanley Ross
think of Mr 3000?
He wants his autograph.
- Really?
- Really.
- What about your team-mates?
- They don't need it.
They get the chance to see history
in the making.
OK. So what you're saying is,
your team-mates get
to see your 3,000th hit,
but not potentially move into third place?
What I'm saying is, thousands of people
bought tickets this weekend,
not to see us play for third place,
but to see me get my hit.
- Really?
- Damn right.
It's the same reason
why everybody else here.
Same reason why they here,
same reason why you here.
- Unless you're here for something else.
- OK.
You selfish son of a bitch.
- You don't want that on that camera.
- No, no, no, I'm fine.
Because I'm not the one
who's desperate
to live his entire life
in front of the camera.
Why don't you go on and tell them about
Toronto and the history you left there.
- That's so old.
- You old. Your damn ego is so old.
It hasn't changed, Stan.
I mean, how am I supposed
to even think about moving back here
when you can't even do
what you say you're gonna do?
Mo, it's only one damn practice, baby.
You know it's bigger
than one practice, Stan.
But you're right.
I am here to record
your history in the making.
And it's the same as it ever was.
You gonna run after her?
I'll catch her later.
I got ball games to play.
No, I'm just saying, man,
that's why I love you, man.
Wait a minute. What do you mean?
I'm just saying that I could always
count on you to do your thing, you know?
You're consistent.
You're always driven.
And you're always for yourself.
You sayin' that's a good thing?
I'm just saying.
Just two weeks ago, fans, the Milwaukee
Brewers seemed willing to accept
their perennial position
in the division cellar.
Is it more than a coincidence
that their solid defence and clutch hitting
started with Stan Ross' 2,998th hit?
While Ross was just a spectator
during their last road trip,
T-Rex Pennebaker has emerged
as the team leader.
We've all witnessed
the mounting frustration for Ross,
who has gone hitless
in the first two games against the Astros
in this, his final home stand.
You can't help but wonder
what's going through his mind
as Ross' window of opportunity
to join that elite 3,000-hit club
is about to close,
and close before a nationwide audience.
So, here we are. The stage is set.
A reenergised team plays
for respectability,
while Stan Ross knocks
on the door of baseball greatness.
Tonight 35,000 fans witness
as history unfolds
over nine innings of Brewers baseball.
Last chance to go out there
and get yours.
We have a line-up change tonight.
In hopes of squeezing out
an extra at bat for Ross,
he's hitting cleanup
right behind Rex Pennebaker.
And now batting,
first baseman, number 21,
Stan Ross.
This big crowd is charged tonight.
The right-hander Norton, one of the most
fiercely competitive pitchers in the league,
will do everything he can to avoid being
a footnote in baseball history.
One game, one more hit,
and he has that magical 3,000.
They're on their feet,
rooting for Ross to get ahold of one,
as Norton gets his sign.
Ross puts a good swing on it.
It's deep to right field and carrying well.
Yo, Ross.
Why don't you take a seat?
You ain't gettin' that hit off me tonight.
Deal with it.
- This guy's slider sucks.
- Come on, man.
I guess somebody should have
shown up to that practice.
Home half of the fourth.
It's still a scoreless tie.
This crowd ripe with anticipation
every time Ross steps to the plate.
Ross swings.
A sharp ground ball up the middle.
Second baseman Gomez
with a diving stop.
He scrambles. It's gonna be close.
He's out.
Oh, my, what a close play.
From our angle, I thought he was safe.
You're wrong.
I'm surprised Stan Ross
isn't protesting the call.
- That man was safe.
- That man was out.
- What game are you watching?
- I called the man out.
- I'm watching the same game you are.
- Really?
- We are playing for third place.
- The man was out.
Don't make me run you, Gus.
You got your head so far up your ass,
you didn't see the play.
- Head up my ass?
- That's right. Head up your ass.
- That's what I said.
- That's it. You're outta here.
You're outta here.
Let me tell you something.
You're the worst umpire
in this whole league.
- That man was safe.
- If I say the guy's out, he's out.
You're a schmuck.
Walk him off the field.
Get him off my field.
You were safe. You were safe.
- You were beautiful. Come on, tiger.
- He was safe.
So it boils down to
the bottom of the ninth inning.
Still scoreless here
in the final game of the season.
"Mr 2999" very likely will be making
his last plate appearance
of a storied big-league career.
But first the man who's become
sort of Ross' protg of late,
T-Rex Pennebaker.
And we've got
an interesting situation here, fans.
If Pennebaker homers,
that's the game,
and Ross won't get another shot.
Come on, baby. Get on.
I'll bring you home.
Come on, get on, baby.
Just get on.
And that ball is crushed.
A line drive to deep left centre.
It's going, going.
It is off the base of the wall.
Pennebaker rounds first,
heading for second.
And he is safe with a ringing double.
Oh, man. He almost took the bat
right out of Stan Ross' hands.
But now Ross is up
with not only a chance
for his 3,000th base hit
and a call from Cooperstown,
but an opportunity
to drive in the winning run
and end the Brewers' season
on a high note.
3,000, baby.
All right. Come on.
- Pitch to him.
- Let's go, man.
Get your hit.
- Ball.
- Pitch to me, damn it.
Reach out there and get it, then.
Reach out and get it.
Those first two deliveries, way outside.
Ross now crowding the plate.
Two balls, no strikes.
Nothing close from Norton.
I'm right here.
Here we go.
This is it. 3-0, the count.
This crowd roaring, begging Norton
to challenge Ross with a decent pitch.
I could always count on you
to do your thing, you know?
You're consistent.
You're always driven.
And you're always for yourself.
That's why I love you.
Look at this.
Ross lays a sacrifice bunt
up the first-base line,
and T-Rex isn't stopping at third.
Here's a throw to first base,
and Ross is out.
Here comes the play.
The slide, the tag.
He is safe. He is safe.
The Brewers win.
The Brewers win.
Stan. Stan. Stan. Stan.
Corny enough for you?
Well, it gets worse.
First off, now all of a sudden,
the press loves me.
Took 'em long enough, though, huh?
The Hall of Fame voted me in
on the very next ballot.
And as you can imagine,
I had plenty of people to thank.
And old Mo. She decided to move
back to Milwaukee after all.
I know she said I'd never get serious,
but these days, I'm even thinkin'
about gettin' married.
You know, so I can have
that great sex all the time.
And hot damn, if Boca didn't
just up and move to Boca.
I can see him right now,
helping some lost soul, sayin',
- "Do your thing."
- Do your thing.
And me, I retired again,
like you probably figured.
But I didn't want to go out
without leavin' the fellas
a little somethin' to remember me by.
Even though I left the game,
I couldn't stay too far from it,
so I bought me that song.
And that's the whole story.
Like my baby Mo says,
"It's all about figurin' out who you are."
And some of that's just a matter
of gettin' a little older and acceptin' it.
And I can deal with that.
Just cos I'm retired
don't mean I'm invisible.
In fact, I'm guessin' you've probably seen
my commercial once or twice yourself.