Mr. Accident (2000) Movie Script

Dinner's ready, kids!
Oh, boy, eggs! Yum! Eggs. Yum!
I slave all day trying
to keep this caravan
tidy for your father,
and look at what
you've done!
What's he done this time?
He's been using
his imagination again!
It's a drawing
of our family, Daddy.
What are us Crumpkins?
We're parts people! We're parts people!
We're parts people!
We don't make things up.
We take things to pieces!
Always have! Always will!
Five, four, three,
two, one.
Sleep in, eh, Barry?
just how you like them.
Eggs. Beats me
how anyone can eat them.
Don't panic.
Nice one.
It's the neighbors. Oh, mate, this is Jenny.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING] Come on, this way.
BOY: Look, here, egg, egg.
Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs,
eggs, eggs, eggs
Eggs poached
and scrambled
Jesus, what a shitty fridge!
Anyway, back to me.
Here I am, mid-30s
and I've finally realized
my heart belongs in eggs.
You don't know
how long I've waited
to hear that, Duxton.
I mean, you have had such
a dubious career path.
Kelvin, that's all behind me.
I'm totally hip to health now.
That's where the new
century's going.
That's where I'm coming from.
I thought Roger fixed that. He did.
Roger's our...
...maintenance man. Maintenance man.
Roger! Gymbals jammed
on number three yolk analyzer.
Good as fixed, Bob!
I understand you're
the firm's biz whiz? Just the accountant.
The boss tells me that
you're well hung in the
frontal lobe department.
So, happy with turnover,
It's been falling
but we're confident
things are really going to
pick up in the next quarter.
That's what they said
about the Roman Empire.
Profit isn't everything.
Thank you, Lyndon.
I respect the egg.
This humble sphere has
sustained humankind through
the ascent of civilization.
It's the symbol of life!
Natural, nutritious, perfect.
Our customers are like family
and a man's family deserves
the best. Right, Audrey?
The firm's policy has
always been to value
the quality of the egg.
And what about the quality
of your bottom line?
Conservatism is the
enemy of the entrepreneur.
If the Wright Brothers
didn't take a few risks,
there'd be no such thing
as frequent flyer points.
Think about it.
DUXTON: Two million
free-range eggs a day.
[BARKS] [WHISTLES] There we are.
There's the pair
of Leghorn layers
daddy gave you.
How did you turn
those two scrawny birds
into the biggest free-range
egg empire in the country?
Love your customers.
Love your workers.
Love your chickens.
So what say I, uh,
start you off as... President of the company.
Well, with that kind of
maybe one day you'll...
That day is today.
You're resigning.
Making me head rooster.
Just sign where
I've marked.
Why would I do that?
Eggs are my life.
Well, I'm poaching
your factory, now sign!
Over my dead body!
That is your option. I'm not scared of you!
Is that so? Maybe your
girlfriend here
would like a manicure.
No! I'll sign.
But you're no longer
a brother of mine.
Cool, that'll save me
a Christmas card.
Kelvin wouldn't just leave
without saying goodbye.
Goes to show how
unimportant employees
are to management.
Maybe Kelvin's
brother will be good
for the company.
I don't know. He seems
kind of scary to me.
Hey you!
What a loser.
Get me wheels!
ROGER: You can't just
dump Kelvin's fridge.
It's a rare 1959
Freezemaster Deluxe.
It's a classic valve model!
It's s a disgrace!
These old refrigerators are
an environmental nightmare.
They leak fluorocarbons
into the ozone layer.
But the sum of its
parts is worth more
than the whole fridge.
I could dismantle it and... Hey, fella!
We've only got one planet!
But dumping is wasteful.
Why not recycle it? Recycle.
From here the scrap
goes to the blast furnace
for meltdown.
Straight to oblivion!
Top of the range, state of
the art, twin door, auto
defrost, Arctic Prince 2000!
ROGER: He said he used
to be a top executive
for one of the biggest
corporations in the world.
Then he told me he's
come up with a vitamin
enriched hen food
that'll produce
super-healthy eggs!
He should be reducing costs,
not increasing them!
He's a fiscal playboy!
He'll destabilize our company!
But if his new chicken feed
is even healthier,
our chooks'll be happier
so they'll lay more humpties.
LYNDON: Hey, what will we
have for dinner tonight?
ROGER: I can cook anything
you like, as long
as it's chicken.
LYNDON: I like Tandoori
Chicken. I like Sweet
and Sour Chicken.
I like Garlic Chicken,
I like Southern
Fried Chicken.
Good girl.
I like Hawaiian Chicken.
I love barbequed Chi...
Hold it.
What? Where's that fleabag
hitching a ride to?
She needs a place to crash. So get her a room
at the pound.
She's lonely without Kelvin.
He just deserted her.
Dogs have got feelings, too.
Haven't you, Audrey?
You know, Roger, you have
so much love to give.
If you could just
find the right woman.
I've found her, Lyndon. I mean a female
of your own species.
Hey, how about
we hit the clubs tonight?
What for? What for?
You're a hot-blooded,
testosterone-pumping male.
Sorry, I'll be too busy.
Doing what? My hobby.
Roger, taking stuff
apart is not a hobby.
What you've got is a
compulsive obsessive
dismantling fixation.
If you ask me,
it's you that's falling apart.
You need to get out.
Get a life.
Live a little!
Who'd look after
Audrey and Barry?
Well, I think for one evening
a dog and a goldfish
can amuse themselves.
Don't look at me.
I'm not a dog person.
you know
I'm not very good with...
Come on Roger,
you can say it. Girls.
You know, babe,
I'm a sucker for
a well-cut uniform.
What did you call me? He called you a psycho.
No. Your watch, Seiko!
Three hundred and seventy
eight parts in those babies.
Main spring, rocker arm,
spindle clips, timing gear,
winder shaft...
I'm meeting somebody.
But I could do with a drink
while I'm waiting.
Two Margaritas.
Make them doubles.
Ah, thanks,
but I don't drink much.
They're both for me.
And for you, Ace?
Make it vanilla.
[IN DEEP VOICE] So, you're
interested in parts?
Yep. See you.
Are you here by yourself? No. I'm with him.
Fag? Huh?
No, thanks.
I don't smoke personally.
You're not one of those
anti-smoking fascists,
are you?
I mean no. Go ahead then.
Filter, filter wrap,
outer wrap, tobacco.
That's about it, four parts.
Don't mind if I do.
Just the one.
I'm the godfather of pimp
I'm hyper-sexual
It's all the biographic
Why, I'm the godfather
of pimp
I'm a skinny freaking mess
It takes seven seconds
for the nicotine
to reach the brain,
stimulate the neurons
and create a brief,
euphoric sensation.
Come on.
In some cases, the brain can
develop an instant addiction
after just one cigarette.
So, do you find people
who smoke attractive?
Do you know this dweeb?No.
Are you kidding!
Come on, you guys.
I only went out for few hours.
Holy moly, the last steak
Duxton cooked was so tough
he had to spend an hour...
What do you call it, Duxy? Masticating.
Oh, not that!
I meant chewing it up.
Do me a favor chicken,
don't ever change.
Bonsoir,Hanson, ca va?
Tres bien, merci,
The Chateau de Sade.
Is it to your taste?
It's slightly corked.
Take it back.
I can cook
just about anything.
So long as it's an omelet.
You know, before we met,
Sunday won the
"Bucket Flats Chicken Sexer
of the Year" award.
ANNOUNCER: And the 1998 winner
is Sunday Valentine.
Twice, actually.
[DRUM ROLL] ANNOUNCER: 1999's winner is
Sunday Valentine.
What the hell's
a chicken sexer?
A person who checks
chickens to see if
they've got nuggets or not.
But that was a long
time ago, and...
Sunday was the princess
of poultry. Too bad she's
got a brain to match!
Hang on, you lot.
You've got to admit
she does have
a cute little arse!
I don't like it
when you're like this!
Sunday, it was a joke. Very funny. Not!
Who's asking you? If it wasn't
for me, you'd still be up
to your tits in chicken shit!
Without me you're nothing
going nowhere.
I'm trying to do something
worthwhile with my life.
Of course you are.
Sunday's involved in her
own very important
scientific research program,
aren't you, chicken? Yes.
She's trying to make contact
with little green men!
I study the cosmos!
[CRYING] I'm not a chicken!
And I don't need you
and that's that.
She'll come groveling
back, always does.
And when you do,
get some decent shoes!
Okay, boys, fun's over.
Vern, I need to know
I've got a steady supply.
No worries, dude.
We're sitting on a stockpile
the size of Everest.
Is that you, Lyndon?
What are you doing
in this apartment? I live here.
No, you don't.
You're a prowler. In pajamas?
This is my friend's place.
She's a police person,
and she'll be back any minute.
Now, get out!
Sorry, I'm always doing
something like this. I must
have wandered into...
Wait a minute!
These are my things.
That's my goldfish!
Hello! Apartment 91! Maybe your tag's
upside down.
Holy moly!
How embarrassing! Sorry.
I've been having
a little trouble with my tap.
Where'd you
learn plumbing?
Didn't. Where I come from,
if something doesn't work
you just fix it.
No biggie.
You're incredible
with your hands!
I've never seen a man
use a banana like that before.
with girls, eh?
Lyndon! She was just
fixing my plumbing.
Get to your room!
So, you found
the place okay?
No problem.
[LAUGHING] Come on.
Don't you just long to be
back in Bucket Flats,
sexing chickens?
Not! Not!
A day never passes
we don't check
our chickens' arses!
What is it? Man trouble?
Men are from Mars.Uranus more likely.
Except for Wayne.
He's totally supportive.
Can you believe we've
been living together
for almost a year?
You know the secret
of a good relationship?
Thank you, Wayne. Now go on,
back to your room big boy!
Big boy! My big boy!
My big...
So what now?
You going back to Bucket?
Well, no! There nothing
but chooks back there.
I mean, you got out
and achieved something
with your life.
Yeah. Dealing with chicken
shit every day was perfect
training for becoming a cop.
l guess I still have to
find out who I am
and why we're here,
the meaning of
How long is
this going to take?
This sleepover thing's only
for a night or two, right?
Oh, yeah.
It's just until I find a job.
[MAN OVER RADIO] Weather Jocks
are saying today's the
sizzlingest scorcher
this summer,
and the forecast
for the morning?
Hot, hot, hot!
Ole, ole, ole, ole
Ole, ole, ole, ole
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Pathetic sardine can.
You've got to get yourself
something more practical!
Yeah! A big V8
1950's convertible.
Now, there's a piece of
automotive poetry.
As if.
That's the place for you.
Why? They haven't been able
to import cars there
for 40 years.
So, the streets are
frozen in time with
1950s auto-Americana!
Cuba sounds like car heaven!
Since when did you
start sucking the gaspers?
I'm in love with my car
I'm in love with my car
Some people may lie
[GASPS] But it's all right
I thought
you fixed the brakes. I did.
[SCREAMS] Don't be afraid of me
[BOTH SCREAMING] It's not unusual
To fall in love
with your vehicle
Gee, I thought this thing
had airbags.
I'm catching the bus.
Wow. Check out
all these great parts!
Don't even
think about it.
This place is weird.
Roger, come on.
[GASPS]What do you suppose
it means?
Well, it's a
Volkswagen hubcap.
[LAUGHS] Oh, no.
It's not a hubcap.
Mightn't know much
about much,
but I know parts.
This here's an
early '60s V-Dub bud cap.
So how did a hubcap
get embedded in a
million year old rock?
It's yours now.
I'm ringing about the job
cleaning motel rooms.
A university degree
in hospitality?
That new vitamin enriched
chook feed of yours is
a hit with our chickens.
First farm figures in indicate
this morning's egg count
has gone ballistic!
That's great, really great.
Is something up?
My girlfriend chucked
a wobbly and hasn't
come home for days.
She must have
another guy! I mean,
why else would she leave?
Well, perhaps she needed
you to express more of your
vulnerable, sensitive side.
Do you really think so?
It's possible.
The bitch!
Hello there.
How's your pipes?
Holy moly! I feel like
such a drip for
barging in on you.
You must have thought
I was completely nuts.
No, you're not
completely nuts.
You're not nuts at all.
Sunday Valentine.Roger Crumpkin.
Better get back to it.
Me, too.
Do you ever think
about space?
Oh, yeah. I'd like to
have a lot more of it
in my apartment.
There are more stars
in the universe
than there are grains
of sand on all the
beaches in all the world.
Wow! You're really smart.
Nobody ever said anything
like that to me before.
Well, they should have.
You're not making
fun of me, are you?No.
Do you think we're alone?
I mean in the universe.
Up here, its' like
we're floating
through the galaxy.
My dream is to...
You'll probably think
this is silly.
No. Tell me.
My dream is to find proof
that we're not the only
speck of intelligent life
in the cosmos.
Imagine, if there were
other thinking beings
out there.
Our tiny little planet
wouldn't seem so lonely.
Be nice not to be lonely.
What are us Crumpkins?
We're parts people! ROGER'S SISTER:
We're parts people!
ROGER'S FATHER: We're parts
people! We don't make things
up. We take things to pieces!
Always have! Always will!
No dinner. And you can stay
out there until all this
imagination nonsense
is washed out
of your silly, little head!
I never used
my imagination again.
Off to see the world
There's such a lot of world
to see
We're after the same
Rainbow's end
I couldn't help myself.
I'm a shopaholic.
At least you went out
and bought something
to cheer yourself up!
any nibbles?
It's like you need a Doctorate
in Stamp Licking to get
a crummy post office job!
Hey, no offence but
you're never going to get
anywhere dressed like that!
until you score a gig
my dump is your dump.
Oh, thanks, Rikki!
You're a real pal.
Of course, I'm going to need
some rent money.
Of course.
Oh, wow!
What do you think?
It's the most gorgeous
thing I've ever seen.
I don't want egg on it!
Melons! Psychiatrists
would have a field day
with all this stuff!
My lunch? Well, it's sexy.
It's very sexy,
all curved food.
And what about this
hubcap that you're
totally obsessed with?
It's curved, isn't it?
You see Jung said that
an obsession with
curved objects
indicates an uncontrollable
flowering of the senses.
I'm not obsessed
with curved objects.
It's that girl, isn't it?
You've fallen for her! No, I haven't.
Yes, you have. No, I haven't.
Now look, the secret
with women is that...
[WHISPERING] The secret
with women is that you
have to show them
that you're interested
in the same things
they're interested in.
So, what's she into?
Tennis? Hiking? Movies?
Extraterrestrial Beings.
And listen to this one,
"A pizza delivery man from
Bristol, England, claimed he
was abducted for three hours
"into a parallel universe."
"He said aliens stole
two salami supreme pizzas
"then conducted experiments
on his sexual organs!"
I hate that.
Come on, let's go.
Plus, there's this whole
lift-out guide in here
to flying saucer spotting!
Oh, that'll come in handy.
Roger? Help!
ROGER: Whoa!
SPORTSCASTER: At a rapid rate
of knots is Jason Johnson
once again
[BARKING] following up his good work.
Taking number 28...
For Pete's sake, it's junk! We don't know what it is!
It's obviously
off an old Volkswagen!
Then how come it's
not listed in any
Volkswagen parts manual?
Besides, VW bug caps
don't have this
bevelled lip!
I'll give you
a bevelled lip.
Not even warm.
This is the key
to her heart.
Sunday, hi.
Guess what this is?
She'll think I'm an idiot.
I am an idiot.
I'm not an idiot.
I'm not an idiot.
I am not an idiot.
I'm not an idiot.
I'm not an...
Skiing is perfectly safe.
The chances of
anything happening are...
Silly mummy.
I forgot your bottle.
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
Hey, where'd you think
you're going?
RIKKI: Is that you Wayne?
Wayne? Who's Wayne?
Oh, Sunday. Hi.
Guess what this is?
Oh, Sunday... Hi.
What have you been doing? Just putting out the garbage.
Are you okay?
This is part of
an Alien spaceship!
I'm pretty sure that was
made by the Volkswagen
people, not by Martians.
This wasn't made
by Martians.
They'd be beings from
way outside our solar system!
You can't cut it,
burn it or dent it.
It's indestructible.
That's German
manufacturing for you.
Look, if bits and pieces
were falling off spaceships
all over the city,
don't you think
a few million people
would have noticed?
What if there were
no people around.
One more time? Okay, imagine this.
A flying saucer crashes
to Earth and sinks into
a prehistoric bog.
Then a volcano erupts, Uh-huh.
and lava buries the
alien spaceship under
layers of rock.
Right.And then,
mankind comes along
and builds a city on top. Yep.
And then one day
they're excavating to
build a skyscraper,
and then what?
They almost uncover
the space ship.
So, if this hubcap
is part of it,
then the rest of the thing
must be buried down
there somewhere.
Holy moly,
what an imagination!
Do you really think
that we can find
a flying saucer?
Another teapot.
Another teapot.
Call me old fashioned,
but I think you're more
likely to find a flying
saucer up there.
Sunday! I'm coming!
This is no teapot.
Perfect oval shape!
It couldn't be. Could it? Wow.
SUNDAY: Holy moly!
Prepare yourself.
What we're about to witness
what maybe too complex for the
human mind to comprehend.
Bummer. Major.
But everything points
to this being off
an alien spaceship.
Well, if I see a flying saucer
with only three hubcaps
I'll let you know.
It's got to be
down here somewhere. Roger!
Maybe you should
give intelligent life
a rest for while.
My bad luck is contagious
and you don't need
any more of it.
I've got to go.
Would you like to
have dinner tonight?
No, I can't!
My life is...
Well, it's complicated
right now.
But, you've got to eat.
If you're hungry, that is.
Do you think you'll be hungry?
I'll be starving.
Sunday Valentine,
you look like a dag!
Hip hip... ALL: Hooray!
Hip hip... ALL: Hooray!
Come on, Mr. Grumpy,
blow it out!
Jeez Duxton,
you've got your balls
in a knot tonight.
The bitch didn't
even send me a card!
Well, maybe she didn't know. Of course she didn't know!
Do you think I'd tell her
I was turning 40?
Happy birthday
from a friend... Me!
For caring.
You know,
I was fooling myself,
pretending I'd have
a lasting relationship
with that dumb country kid.
So, let's party!
You sure make that dress
look pretty.
Actually it's my friend's.
I just borrowed it.
But most of all...
I love your frog skin shoes.Snakeskin. Thanks.
They're mine,
they're my favorite!
Check them out!
Travel much? The odd bus trip.
What do you know about Cuba?
Tropical beaches,
hot music, cool people.
Hemingway called it paradise! So did Lyndon!
Who's Hemingway?A great writer.
He said he didn't need to
use fancy $20 words to
say what he had to say.
That's honest.
And then one day,
he felt really, really bad,
so he shot himself.
That's a bit too honest. Yeah.
[CELL PHONE RINGING] Your uniform is so tight
I can hardly breathe.
She is?
Merci beaucoup,Hanson.
She's at Mummies.
Alone? No, she's with some guy.
But that's okay,
that's no problem.
They reckon men and women
have different physical needs.
But I read the average
is three times a week.
It's not how many that counts.
It's all in your technique.
What's your favorite way
of doing it?
I like to beat it
until it gets really stiff.
Just eat your food,
Until it can
stand right up by itself.
The stiffer the better,
as far as I'm concerned.
Then what do you do? Well...
It's delicious on its own.
Or you can use it
for meringues or omelets.
You see, the thing about
egg white is, it has
absolutely no cholesterol!
You sure know a lot of stuff!
Only about eggs.
I would never have known
there were 14 parts
to that pepper grinder
until you
pointed them all out.
I've never been able to
talk like this with
a girl of the opposite sex!
Me either.
Is it to monsieur'staste?
Very nice.
If you could be anywhere
right now, where would you be?
Here. Me too.
SUNDAY: Do it now. Kiss me,
Mr. Perfectly Right.
Somehow I never
pictured you as a smoker.
Oh, I only smoke for taste.
I can give them up
any time. No worries.
There you go.
I'm cutting down already.
Let me help you with that. No, it's... Okay.
My earring.
Got him. Oh!
I heard how they fix this.
Why don't we just get
the bill and split before...
Anything else happens. Okay.
Maybe we should just go
get a hot dog.
Holy moly, Rikki!
I've got to go. Right.
Come on, don't let me down.
Please, just this once.
Bummer. Major.
Sorry. Thanks.
I'll get a cab.Yeah.
You'd better stay
away from me.
I'm a catastrophe.
Oh, Roger,
it's not all your fault.
It's, well...
It is all your fault.
[CRYING] And that's that.
Are you okay?
Mr. Chevalier!
Are you okay? My girl left me.
Same thing
just happened to me.
Mine's as cute as a button,
but not very bright.
Mine's real smart.
Well, see, there's your
problem right there.
Hey, if Napoleon
couldn't hang on
to his girl,
what hope have
a couple of jerks
like us got?
They're like some
alien species
living amongst us.
They love to hurt us.
That's why men
need business.
Our new eggs hit
the supermarket
shelves tomorrow.
I hardboiled myself
a six-pack and I'd
like you to have it.
Thanks, but I don't actually
eat eggs personally and...
Management can always
learn something
from the little guy
on the factory floor,
no matter how simple
he may be.
Say "Ah."
Have a couple more
for breakfast,
drop by my office,
tell me how you
feel about them.
I hope you get
your girl back.
You too.
Been watching so much TV
Nice guy.
I'm thinner than I should be
I'm like a waterlogged ball
That no one wants to
kick around anymore
An all day morning hairdo
That no comb can get through
I know every tune
about guys and girls
And hurts and hearts
and moans
I miss you like sleep
And there's nothing romantic
about the hours I keep
The morning when it starts
I don't look so sharp
Now I got a heavy heart
Well, Corporal,
my command post is
on the 29th floor.
What say I fix my bayonet
and we hit the trenches?
You know, it's been
a nice night Lionel,
don't spoil it.
It's Lyndon. Whatever. See you.
Man, that army babe
was scorching!
Had to hose her down
and return her to base.
You make friends
so easily.
Oh, yeah.
How did you go with
the space cookie?
Never got off the ground.
You're never going to
pull chicks in that heap.
Hey sport,
your consideration
for non-smokers
would be appreciated.
Pickle it! Sorry, Lyndon.
Didn't even realize
I was doing it.
That's because the
nicotine is messing with
your brain's receptors.
I've never been
in love before.
Not ever.
You're right.
This is just
a lousy hubcap.
What was I thinking?
Hey, don't worry...
If I know anything
about women,
she'll be back.
I love your eyes.
I love your nose.
I love your ears.
I love your toes.
Wait a minute.
This is a dream, isn't it? Quack!
LYNDON: Roger, have you
seen my laptop? Huh?
What's this?
Your laptop. Sorry.
Couldn't sleep.
All you do
is wreck everything!
Maintenance man?
What a joke!
You know, the only reason
that you hold down that job
is because every day
of your life,
I cover for you.
Passive smoking
is carcino-friggin-genic!
I tried to quit last night.
I tried everything.
Quit smoker's gum.
Quit smoking pills.
Self-hypnosis tapes.
Nicotine patches. You're pathetic.
No wonder that girl walked
out on you! You've got
nothing to offer her.
I love her.
Did you tell her that?
I don't know how.
"I don't know how."
Well, I'm fed up sharing
this disintegrating dump
with the egg-eating fish
and the short-arse
sports freak.
I'm finding my own pad.
That's it, I'm out of here.
Can we still be friends?
Oh, no.
Your "use by" date
is up, pal!
Breakfast, right?
At least this is
good for something.
Breakfast, Barry?
There you go.
Well, I lost Sunday.
And I lost Lyndon.
But at least
I still got you guys.
No! No!
But it's commercial
insanity to export!
You're moving way too fast.
When people feel the benefits
they'll be back for more.
Why would other countries
go crazy over our eggs when
they've got eggs of their own?
Because I improved
the god damn product!
You're on hold.
Your girl, right?
How did you know?
Because I used to
look at my girl
just like that.
Last night, I was feeling
pretty sorry for myself.
But you made me realize
that everybody loses
somebody, and the
world still goes on.
[MUSIC BOX PLAYING] But it was my grandmother's.
It must be worth...
Fifty! Take it
or leave it, love.
Can you fly this monster?
So, what information
do you need from me
to make this thing happen?
I'll need to know how
many international markets
you want to target.
Six. Six.
No, second thoughts,
make that seven.
That'd be England, Japan,
France, Germany, Italy,
the States, of course,
and I suppose you'll want
a South American market.
What about Argentina? Chocolate on top?
No, make it Chile. Okay, Chile.
But you know Duxton, the more
I think about this export gig,
the more I'm worried.
Are you sure you want chili?
Don't be the conservative
little prick I always thought
you were! Just do it!
I said Chile,
and I mean Chile!
Fine. But to meet
these export figures,
we'll need to buy at least
another 20 million
laying hens!
More! More!
Make it twice that!
You know, when
Sir Walter Raleigh first
brought tobacco to England,
the government of the day
tried to ban it.
They couldn't handle something
that had no other function
than to give man pleasure!
We've come a long way
since those days,
right Roger?
Right. Wrong!
Same thing is happening
all over again.
The tobacco industry's
being persecuted.
Cigarette? Oh, no, thank you.
So, how did you
meet this chick?
She just barged into
my apartment
and fell on top of me.
Popped the buttons
right off my pajamas!
So, how's
your cappuccino?
A little sweet.
A little hot.
Going to hit a few balls? Yep.
Now, don't go
blaming yourself
for this, Roger.
Where does this
Sunday girl live?
In my apartment building
with her friend.
How did you know
her name was Sunday?
Because she's mine!
But don't worry.
I'm going to make sure
she never hurts
any man again.
I just wanted you to
know that before you go.
Before I go.
Big chill time, Crumpkin.
You squashed your own brother! Recycled.
What the heck's going on?
This is why
you get the twin door.
Have you got your phone? Right!
We can call the cops.
Roger, under pressure
you are a genius.
There's not much power left.
Enough for one call.
Hello? Sunday!
You're calling babes? Roger.
You're in deep trouble.
Yeah, Rikki was pretty
steamed about her dress.
It's nice of you to call,
but last night
was a mega mistake.
Whatever you do,
don't hang up. Goodbye.
She hung up.
You know,
I've always envied you.
Me? You've got it all.
Great personality,
top job, women love you.
I don't know anything
about love!
Come on,
you're always out
with a different girl.
That's because
they all leave me!
I can never keep a woman.
That's not true. What about
that inflatable one?
You kept her for years.
Hello. Lunch?
No can do.
I've got my hands full
downsizing staff.
Before we die,
I just want to shake the
hand of the best mate
a bloke could ever have.
Lyndon, that's not my hand.
You saved my life.
I didn't expect to
see you again.
Happy birthday.
You remembered.
That's one of the reasons
I adore you, you little minx.
It's not going to work!
One more chance, squirrel? No!
Where are you going?
We need to talk, possum,
about you and me.
There's nothing
to discuss. I'm not
right for anybody.
You're right for me,
It's over.
Get over it.
Well, then, for
old time's sake,
fluffy ducky.
At least let me drive you
to wherever you're going.
just back off!
Kitty cat!
To be alone with you
for even one minute
would make me
as happy as a pig
in poo!
Around you I'm just
a love-sick puppy.
You can drive me.
On one condition.
No more stupid
animal references,
they really bug me!
Oh, no.
You know, Dux.
There is one positive
thing that came out
of our relationship.
I learned to
take control of my life.
Well, that's a good thing.
Hey, this isn't the way
to the bus station.Shortcut.
So, you got yourself
a new toyboy?
Where'd you get this? Doesn't matter.
You're right.
It doesn't matter.
I won't be seeing
Roger ever again.
He may seem a little
clumsy, but deep down,
he's a genuine...
Holy moly, what was that?
Just a bump in the road.No Duxton,
it sounded squashy!
We better check it out.
Back up.
Okay. Okay. Back up!
We've definitely
run over something!
I'm going to
check it out.
When you left,
it wasn't just my pride
you tore apart.
You broke my heart.
I'm sorry, Duxton.
The last thing I want to
do is to hurt anybody.
Roger! What happened?
Car accident.
He wants to kill you!
He's brain-damaged.
Well, that's because
you ran over him.
Well, who are you
going to believe,
me or this goose?
Well, bunny rabbit?
I said no more
animal references!
Egg? No.
Mind if I have one? Sure.
I think I backed
the wrong horse.
Looks like we
outsmarted him.
Maybe you need help.
Right! I'll call the cops!
Thank you for calling the
Police Quick Response Squad.
We value your call and
you'll be placed in a queue
to be answered by
the first available
operator. Please hold.
Roger, are you okay?
I think I'm addicted to eggs.
Eggs aren't addictive.
Man, it's a pigsty in here!
Stay back.
Or you'll beat me?
Police Quick Response Squad.
Yes, hello, excuse me.
You're in a lot
of trouble, buster.For what?
Nowhere on these egg
cartons does it say
"Health Warning:
These eggs can kill you."
He's been putting tobacco
in the chicken feed!
Management can always
learn something from
the worker, eh, Roger?
I should have killed you
first then crushed you.
Simple mistake.
Won't happen again.
Look at this.
Ever heard of defrost?
I don't know
how people can
live like this.
Okay, the place
is a little untidy.
But that's nothing compared
to getting innocent
people hooked on nicotine!
Outside that window,
the world's disintegrating
and what's your solution?
Kick the tobacco industry
around. Easy target, ain't we?
I hate you, turning
defenseless little chickens
into tobacco junkies!
You're fools
if you think you
can beat us.
We'll just keep coming back
in a different form.
Eggs today,
milk tomorrow.
Then what, baby food?
We're working on it.
You're one sick puppy!
And you're dead! Get in!
Both of you!
Got a cigarette?
I'm sorry, Roger,
but I'm not spending
the final moments of my life
locked in a refrigerator
breathing someone
else's smoke.
I'm falling to pieces!
I got to have one last puff!
I can dig that.
It's a confined
space in here!
Chill, baby!
It's not the cigarette
that's going to kill you.
SUNDAY: Roger!
Bye-bye, bunny!
Don't mess with
a psychopath!
You killed my fish!
The ambulance boys
have got a mother of a mess
to clean up down there.
I've been meaning to
fix that ironing
board, Officer.
Okay. Scram,
you little runt!
She sure loves you.
Well, yeah,
I'm a real dog person.
She's so pretty.
She was part of
a music box.
I know, I used to have one.
Why did you take it
to pieces?
That's what I do.
Do you ever
put things back together?
Bye, Roger.
You can't go.
You've still got to
prove we're not alone
in the universe!
As if.
How could I be anything
but a chicken worker?
We are what we are,
and that's that.
Oh, well.
if you're ever
passing through Bucket,
I make a great omelet.
MAN: Excuse me, lady.
It's for you.
Hurry up, lady!
I have to go.
Better take it
before I drop it.
You did this for me?
You made me realize that
parts are like people.
They belong together.
Are you on or off?
Well, that's all
I wanted to say.
Would you like to
have dinner?
I mean,
if you're hungry.
Are you hungry? I'm starving.
Moon River
Wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style
Some day
Oh, dream maker
You heart breaker
Wherever you're going
I'm going your way
Two drifters
Off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world
to see
We're after
The same rainbow's end
Waiting 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend
Moon River
And me
MAN: Action.
Barry, get out...
Camera, action!
[CREW LAUGHING] Too close. Yeah.
Bad dog!