Mr. Right (2009) Movie Script
Now, Louise,
before we begin recording,
perhaps we could just
have a little chat.
Yeah, I think
that's a good idea.
Louise, do you think
that perhaps you're being
just a little demanding
in your requirements?
Because we did have very
high hopes for you and Paul,
and I seem to remember him saying
that he was really quite smitten.
I don't think my requirements
were that demanding.
That of course is
entirely your opinion,
but we feel that he did fulfill
all your specifications.
So, tell me,
what is it that we can
supply this time
that we didn't
supply last time?
What am I looking for
that's different from last time?
Let me see.
Oh. I know.
I'd like a boyfriend
that's not gay.
Twice upon a time
The princess
kissed the prince
And missed the point
I think you must have made
some kind of mistake.
Paul Bradbury is not gay.
Well, maybe he isn't,
but I know for a fact
that the man
he dumped me for is.
Everything is
Everything is
crazy-strange
And very real
Close your eyes
Make up your mind
And take your time
I'll always be there
Maybe Mr. Right
Is hidden, undiscovered
Pressed for time
I'll bet he's coming
out tonight
He's all right
There's up
and there's down
And there's no way around
What he's hiding
Breaking the rules
Is amazingly cool
You're invited
Everything is
Everything is
crazy-strange
And very real
Close your eyes
Make up your mind
And take your time
I'll always be there
Everything is
Everything is
Everything is
Everything
Everything is
Everything
Everything is
Everything
Everything is
Everything
Everything is
Everything
Everything is
Everything
You're old enough
to know better.
Anytime you want to use your
parenting skills, it's fine by me.
One more time
We've all heard about women this
has happened to, haven't we?
And if we're honest,
we think it's a bit of a joke.
I mean, you'd know,
wouldn't you?
But I didn't,
and I'm used to being
around gay people.
I've learnt my lesson.
I'd never introduce my man
to my gay friends again.
But I don't mind introducing
you to my friends--
Well, at least I thought
that they were my friends.
This is my Alex,
my best friend.
He wanted to be an actor.
He'd been with Harry
for a year.
In fact, it was
their anniversary.
Harry was all right,
but he could be a bit...
smarmy.
Just kept him happy
by buying him things.
And here's Tom.
Tom was about to have
a major exhibition,
but he was more concerned
about keeping Lars happy.
Lars is very good looking,
but he knew it.
You know the type.
He'd got expensive tastes,
but it was always someone else
who picked up the bill.
And William--
William had a tough time
over the last few years,
but he was coming out
the other side,
and he'd just met Lawrence.
Lawrence is an actor,
so you can imagine
what a handful he was.
You'd recognize him.
He was in that doctors thing.
I thought I was the one
out of all my friends
who had got it sorted.
So let me tell you what happened
to me one day last summer.
I was going on
my first proper date with Paul.
I thought he was perfect.
It's over
Let's go.
Let me see 6,
let me see 5,
let me see 4.
3. Where's 2?
Where's 1?
Let's flip, baby!
Let's go!
3, 2, 1.
Get up! Go!
Move, move, move!
Let me see that!
Let me see that!
Move the feet, quick!
Quick! Quick!
Ready to do it again?
Let's go!
All right. Fly jumps.
You can do it.
Push me up, pull me down.
To the 5, to the 4,
to the 3.
Stay with me. 2.
1. Good man.
That's what
I'm talking about.
Good to see.
Right? Good man.
(cell phone ringing)
Hi, Louise.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, I'm stuck in traffic.
I- it's not moving.
I reckon I'm gonna have
to turn around and go back.
I was really looking forward
to fitting your kitchen.
Yeah, listen, the battery
on my phone's running low.
I'll give you a call next--
Hello?
Thought you were fixing
Louise's washing machine.
Still waiting for a part.
Have another one.
I thought you might have
had enough.
You know me.
I've never had enough.
Better make sure I don't.
Is that a threat?
Take it any way you want.
I'll take it
as a threat, then.
I'll get my stuff
and I'll be out of here.
It's not a threat. I'm really sorry.
I've just had a hard day.
I'm going now.
Luv!
Tom sees the good in people.
Sees the good in people?
What he sees
is a good bit of ass
that he wouldn't stand
a chance with
if he didn't have
a Gucci store card.
Anyway, getting back to me.
Harry bought me
the original artwork
for the 1977 Dalek annual.
It's like the Bible
of Doctor Who fans.
All right?
Fine. I can't stop.
I've got a meeting.
I wasn't trying
to hold you up.
That's all right,
now, isn't it?
Isn't that that Greek doctor
from Emergency Accident?
He's only a nurse.
How do you know him?
Have you... You know?
As if!
He went out with
one of my exes.
He's been around forever.
I knew him when he was on the dole.
Sorry. Got held up in the edit.
Mwah.
Mwah.
How'd the audition go?
Don't want to talk about it.
What's the matter with you?
Lawrence Wright's upstairs.
Very Greek name, isn't it?
There are hardly any
roles for Greeks as it is,
so why should he get
the part above a real one?
Why are you bothered?
You're not Greek.
I'm not bothered.
I'm not bothered at all.
You write to point of view?
Someone has to stand up
for Greek actors.
Do you want me
to beat him up for you?
Yes, please.
How are you, darling?
She's all right. Come on.
We're going to be late.
Hello, how are you?
(friendly chatter)
You don't phone,
you don't write.
I've been frantic.
Give me a break.
Visiting my mother.
Which we're late for.
Then we get a nice meal.
Just my luck.
Our anniversary's on the same day
as his bloody mother's birthday.
Congratulations.
We must arrange a Sunday lunch.
Bring George.
Don't mention George.
Got 3 days' peace.
See you later.
See you.
Bye.
Bye-bye, baby.
Bye, darling.
Yeah, can you stop off
on your way and get time out?
Oh, will you?
Dolce and Gabbana
I cannot even say it
I'll tell you right now
it's on my wish list
Whoa-oh
You're gonna pay for it
So you better get rich
I'm sick of being High Street
like everybody I meet
Ultimately trendy
Boys wearing girls' shoes
Imagine
Whoa-oh
A fashion statement
But you do look gay
in the pink shirt
Please, will you
buy this for me?
I'm ritzy
Is it only a year?
Seems so much longer.
I bumped into William earlier.
He sends his love.
Oh, William.
They were at Westminster
together, you know.
Yes, I know.
(chuckles faintly)
No one guessed
until only a few years ago.
Even Harry.
He played rugby
for the county.
Mmm. Probably
the physical contact
with all those sweaty
men that he liked.
Hmm.
When I heard
that he'd come out,
I had hoped
that William and...
But no.
William found this
for me last year.
We think it's a young
Thomas Huxley.
Huxley. Biologist.
I'm seeing Tom tomorrow.
Oh, Tom!
So talented.
There was an article
on his new exhibition.
I had hoped that Harry
and he were...
Well, they spent so much time
at university together.
But as usual, a mother's wishes
count for nothing.
Which university
did you go...?
Ohh.
Yes, of course.
We've had this conversation, haven't we?
Tom's taken up
with a mad hooker
who's fleecing him
for all he's got.
Well, that's not--
That's not strictly
true, is it?
Harry tells me you've been
doing very well in your job...
as a waiter.
It's not just being a waiter.
It's also helping
to prepare the food.
And, anyway, it's only
until the acting takes off.
Oh, yes, of course.
You want to be an actor, don't you?
Harry tells me that you may be
an extra in some soap opera.
(chuckles)
It's nice that Harry
keeps you so well-informed.
I've been thinking of
All the words
I'd like to say
And I can't believe
How I feel today
When the lights go out
When they shut you down
You will know that
I'm still the same
At last!
I want to have
a look around.
Rugby!
Why did you buy this?
I won it.
My-- my team won it, yeah.
Is there any chance
of a drink?
No worry. I'll wash
the glass afterwards
so there's no DNA evidence
that I was ever here.
Shut up. Come here.
I've been
thinking of
All the words
I tried to say
And I can't believe
how I feel today
When the lights go out
When they shut you down
You will know that
I'm still the same
Aaahhhh!
Aaahhhh!
(screaming continues)
(gasping)
What do you say, Georgina?
Sorry I frightened you.
I should have left a note
to say we'd be back early.
Yeah.
Daddy doesn't let me meet
any of his boyfriends.
You amaze me.
We usually keep her
locked in the attic.
Shouldn't you be going?
Mm.
It's been lovely meeting you.
Bye.
I'm sorry.
Uh... What are you
doing tonight?
I want to spend some time
with George.
But I'm free on Wednesday.
Come and see
the shells I found.
See you.
Yeah, see you.
And... Action.
And in here...
What do you think?
Good God.
What have you done?
Well, we've...
Done exactly what we
thought you'd like.
This is... No.
Well, I don't think...
God, I hate it!
I absolutely... Oh, God!
Sorry.
(telephone ringing)
Tell me again,
why am I doing this?
The money.
Oh, yes.
The hotel's fucked up
and let half our rooms go.
Is there a run on rooms
in Northampton?
The weather forecast
says it's going to be...
Shit for the week,
so we may have to scale
the garden down.
Good.
And the gorgeous Charlie's
girlfriend's dumped him again,
so we're expecting trouble.
Tom rang. Can you meet him
in the gallery?
He said, or at home.
And lastly...
I'm pregnant.
You're fired.
Any idea
who the father is?
I've narrowed it down
to the fleet auxiliary,
but I've convinced John
it's his.
I suppose we have to hug.
It's expected.
Congratulations.
Give John my best.
You don't do gay right.
No, it's just
I don't do those.
By now, my other gay friends
would be squeezing
the life out of me
and screaming about taking me
shopping for maternity clothes.
Maybe it's
just expected of you
because you are posh
and went to private school.
Well, that's it.
I'm not gay at all!
It all fits.
I don't like musicals,
rows in the street, cocaine.
Well done.
Means I've got to get
another assistant.
I'm so glad
I didn't get the job.
If you go on a soap opera,
you can get typecast,
and that's so not where I want
to be at this point in my career.
It's a fact that all
the good jobs
go to the extras from
the top handful of agencies.
Surprise, surprise, Lawrence Wright
was taken on by one of them.
He must have slept
with one of the bookers,
'cause he ain't that good.
I know I've got talent
and that I'm going to make it.
I think they'll be impressed
by the CV.
I know it doesn't show
that many roles,
but they'll see from the amount of
classes and workshops I've attended
that I have a real dedication.
Alex, listen, I'll have
to talk to you later, babe.
Thank you.
Darling, there you are.
Will you stop
disappearing like this!
Now, come on.
(power drill whirrs)
How long have you been there?
Not long.
What do you think?
I think they're shit.
But as long as people are
stupid enough to pay for them,
it's all good with me.
My work represents
a positive affirmation
of what it is to be gay
in the 21st century.
To me, gayness
isn't just about sex,
it's about everything.
I patronize gay restaurants
and taxi firms,
and, in a way, I'm developing
a totally new gay art.
I wish she would just shut up!
I think it's interesting.
No, you don't!
You think it's bollocks!
Shh!
The lines and dots
that make up the image
are in actual fact
not made up of just one color,
but all the colors
of the rainbow--
the gay rainbow.
It's like pointillism,
only gay.
Hey, you're talking
Blah blah blah
Blah blah blah
Blah blah
So, is Harry coming?
Him and Alex went to Brighton
for the weekend.
Hey, you're talking,
blah blah blah
So, how much would something
like that go for, then?
150 grand.
What?!
Yeah, I know!
I thought
that was a fake.
Uh, no, believe me,
I have earned it.
So you're not really
into him, then.
It's not just the money.
He's all right.
I look really bad now,
don't I?
Don't mind me.
I'm not judging.
I'm off.
Where you going this time?
I told you.
I know he's seeing
other people,
but when I confront him about it,
he denies it and says
if that's what I believe,
I should throw him out.
Maybe you should,
if it's making you unhappy.
No. He knows I never would.
That's why he's
messing you around.
He hasn't got any boundaries.
He's not a child.
Don't treat him
like one, then.
I don't!
You do.
He lives rent-free.
You buy his clothes.
You give him money,
pocket money.
You treat him like a child.
He's not the first, is he?
You really have to stop
being ashamed of being gay.
(scoffs)
You're just buying into that straight-dominated
way of looking at gay life.
If Lars were a woman, you wouldn't
think there was anything strange
about her being supported
by a male partner, would you?
And that's all I'm doing.
I'm helping Lars out until he gets
his singing career off the ground.
Singing?
I thought it was modeling.
Well, that didn't work out.
There's nothing you could do
for him, is there?
Wonderful. That's right.
Yep. Yep.
Okay.
That sounds perfect.
Thank you.
Alex, please hurry.
We don't have time.
Come on, darling.
Excellent.
Actually, I'm going to call you back.
Thank you. Okay. Thanks.
Alex, can you just do
what I tell you, please?
I think there's
something wrong.
I don't pay you to think.
These are the wrong ones.
What are you talking about?
These are the returns
from Samuelson's.
They may have tasted all right,
but they've been out
for God knows how long.
I mean, crawling with E. Coli and stuff.
Lethal.
Older people or children
could have died.
I've never seen someone
look so contrite.
She was in floods.
She could have gone to prison.
Trouble is, she doesn't
really pay attention.
It's only a hobby
hubby organized for her
to keep her occupied while he's
doing corporate takeovers.
And her menu
is so old-fashioned.
It's like something served halftime
at the Battle of Hastings.
I told her about
my cinnamon twirls,
and we're going to
try them out next week.
You're a real hero.
All I do is make crap telly.
Do something about it, then.
What do you want to do?
Seriously.
What I want to do
is travel around Asia.
I can't. I've got
career responsibilities.
More importantly, in half an hour,
the cabby gets here.
What shall we do
with the time?
It's Thursday.
(chuckles)
That's right.
What if Matron
were to find us?
I've been on bedpans
all morning,
so I'm entitled.
It's in my equity agreement.
(both laughing)
Sorry.
(knocking on door)
Yes? What do you want,
you beastly little peeping tom?
They need you in set
in 5 minutes.
My public are calling for me.
I don't suppose
you're free later.
Got a parents' meeting.
What time does it finish?
8:.00, but then
I've got to be at home.
She keeps waking up
during the night lately.
Mum's getting too old
to have her sleep disturbed.
I could always come to you,
now that she's met me.
I'm not sure, Lawrence.
Hey, look, why don't we
have a weekend away?
Georgie's going to see
some friends.
We'd have 2 whole nights.
What do you reckon?
Okay.
See you later. Break a leg and...
Whatever it is you do.
Ciao.
Are you ready, gents?
Action.
(cat meows)
Oh, Maggie, that's looking
really beautiful.
(Scottish accents)
Oh, yes.
It's really, really beautiful.
Jim and Jill
will really, really love it.
Right. Let's get that lovely cup of tea
we've been promising ourselves,
then we'll see what the gorgeous
Charlie's been up to all morning.
Cut.
(Scottish accent)
That looks really, really shit.
(cat yowls)
(making choking sounds)
Georgie.
Don't you think you're being
a little harsh on this doll.
All she did was say hello
to this doll's boyfriend.
(dramatic voice)
She must die!
(making choking sounds)
And I'd have expected a bit more
to have been done in here.
Remind me again when
Jim and Jill are coming back.
Sunday morning.
I think I'd better have a word
with the gorgeous Charlie.
You're being a bit of
a slow coach today, Charlie.
We've only got
until Sunday, you know.
(weeping audibly)
And cut.
I loved her!
(weeping audibly)
By "period," they probably
thought they were getting
Victorian Rustic
or Edwardian Country House,
not fucking Stalingrad, 1943!
Yeah, well,
what are we gonna do?
Let's go to the pub.
You're gonna make
my day
Hey
Na-na
na-na-na
Hey
Na-na
na-na-na
You're gonna
make my day
Row, row, row
your boat
Gently down...
On me
Merrily, merrily, merrily
You make my life complete
Everybody wants to touch
Your fleece
that's white as snow
Everywhere you
lead me, babe
I'm sure that I will go
Pop goes the weasel
Hey
Lars! Charlie's dropped
out of the show,
and Harry needs you
up in Northampton.
This could be
your big chance!
No, you put
the phone down first.
You do it.
You're a big girl's blouse,
you know that.
Speak to you tomorrow.
Bye.
Can I come with you
on Saturday?
Your Grandma's taking you
to Hannah's party.
I thought you were looking forward
to the sleepover.
Hanna's a poo-head.
She's your best friend.
She's still a poo-head.
I want to come with you
to Brighton.
It'd be boring.
We're going to all those antique shops.
Is Lawrence
going with you?
He might.
He is. I heard you
on the phone.
Why can't I come as well?
Because you wouldn't
like it, all right?
Is he gonna live here
with us?
Do I call him daddy now?
Harry, we're good to do this.
Will you just get yourself
out there now, please?
Great, yeah.
I will not mind.
And, Emma, come on, love.
Uh... Sorry!
Okay, setup,
ready to shoot this now.
And, um, thank you.
And action.
(drill whirrs)
Can you turn that off, Lars?
Thanks.
Well, it's very sad that our
Charlie's been taken ill,
but we're very lucky
because the gorgeous Lars
has stepped into the breach.
Well, a boy's got to do
what a boy's got to do.
(chuckles)
(distant power tool whirrs)
Yeah, maybe
we should cut there.
Me and Louise were just
talking about how stupid you are.
He's got a screw loose.
I guarantee he'll be
nothing but trouble.
Don't worry,
it's your funeral.
Ta-da!
What do you think?
It's great, but on you it's gonna be
like sticking a sequin on a rat's ass.
You look amazing!
Thank you.
No, you look fab.
She looks great.
She's got a date with that Paul tonight.
She thinks he's the one.
Gorgeous!
Thank you, Harry!
Anyway, you can tell Lars
that he's coming
for dinner next week.
I've rung Tully
and invited him.
I bumped into William.
He's bringing his new beau.
I don't know.
He's an actor, I think.
And if he hasn't dumped her by then,
Louise is bringing Paul.
Better go.
Oh. My. God.
I've found something that
even you would look good in.
Thanks.
Are they brother and sister?
I don't know. What do you think?
I have no idea.
I just think
it's very strange...
Well, Harry.
Yeah.
I just want to say,
I'm very grateful
for this opportunity.
Oh, hey, don't worry about it.
But don't get your hopes up,
'cause it could only be
for the one show.
Still, I know people
think I'm trouble,
and you probably could have
found somebody else for the job
if you'd really tried.
If it did become
a regular gig,
as I said,
I'd be very grateful.
Yeah.
(cell phone rings)
(car horns honking)
Hey.
I can't just
leave her like this.
Well, I don't know.
She hasn't got a fever.
Yes, darling?
It's your move.
You go back in there and
tell Grandma to move for me.
Okay. Thank you.
Sorry.
No. No, of course
I understand.
Maybe I could come to you.
We could meet for lunch
on Tuesday.
Oh, a whole lunchtime! Are you
sure you can manage that?
Twat!
Harry, hello.
Put your tongue back in.
There's a good boy.
I was just... Um...
Thinking about the...
Mmm!
These are delicious, darling!
You'll want royalties
now, won't you?
That just may be, but...
I can't make a peach
smell like a banana, can i?
So...
Right.
Cheers.
I've always thought you were
the only one of Tom's friends
who wasn't a fucking idiot.
I'll take that as a compliment.
I've seen you looking,
so don't even pretend
you're not interested.
Things happen for a reason,
and this was obviously
meant to be.
I'm feeling very positive.
Although you have to know
how to deal with negativity,
have to know how to transform
a negative into a positive.
For example, I didn't get the job
on Londoners, which was a negative.
But on the positive, I took the power
back and sent my photo and CV
off to the top actors' agencies.
But they've all written back
saying that
they're not interested,
which, again, is a negative.
In other words,
I didn't go to fucking RADA
or one of the other
good drama schools,
so I don't have that
stamp of approval.
Not at all interested
in the classes I've attended,
or the commitment I've shown.
It's not all about diplomas
and pieces of paper.
What about natural talent?
Van Gogh didn't go
to art school,
and he ended up
all right, didn't he?
Yeah, I suppose.
Have you seen
my red pullover?
Dry cleaners.
Shit.
Well?
What?
How did it all go?
Oh, it was all right.
Yeah.
Same as these things
ever are, really.
Lars didn't disgrace himself?
Nope.
No, he was all right.
Are you going to
take him on permanently?
No. No, it's just going
to be a one-off.
You all right?
Yep.
I'm just knackered actually.
(cell phone rings)
Hello, babe.
Yeah, he's here.
It's Lars.
He says your phone's
permanently turned off.
Sorry, Lars, he's asleep.
He looks really cute,
except for the dribble
trailing out of his mouth.
Yeah, I'll tell him.
All right.
Doesn't it make
you cross?
And racing around
Tracking her down
He says he's really
looking forward to dinner,
and can't wait
to meet Alex again.
Oh, fuck.
What's going on?
Nothing.
I know it's difficult for you.
I'm just saying that
maybe if you involve me more.
Sorry, but you've got no idea
what it's like being a parent.
I have to put her first.
Of course you do.
Look, I'm not stupid.
It's been 3 months now,
and in gay years,
we're approaching our
golden wedding anniversary.
I don't get involved
with people like this.
For me normally
it's just a bit of fun.
It peaces out
after a few weeks.
I... really like you,
and...
Well, it's not easy.
This is... new.
Am I boring you?
What? What?
Sorry, no.
Just give me a second.
Wouldn't you
like to give up?
Just for one night
put down the fight
All smoke and mirrors
Nobody's winning
You'll be safe.
They won't ravish you or anything.
I know.
I'm not some kind of hick.
I give money
to Amnesty International.
I read The Guardian,
for God's sake.
And that bloke
who cuts my hair,
I reckon he's gay, and I don't
have a problem with that,
so you can't accuse me
of being homophobic.
No one's accusing you
of anything.
You just seem a little
on edge about going.
Well, I'm not.
It's just...
They're all gonna be gay.
What am I gonna talk about?
Just talk about normal stuff.
Normal stuff for blokes
is football and women's tits.
Now do you see my problem?
You're just being silly.
Don't you have any friends
who aren't gay?
Yeah, 'course I do.
There's... Emma, and...
Though I don't see
much of her.
And there's Sharon.
Oh, no. Sharon's your sister.
She doesn't count.
I don't know. I just get on with gay men.
It's not a crime, is it?
No.
Are you calling me a fag-hag?
No.
I'm not a fag-hag!
Fag-hag!
I hate that word!
Get off! Stop it!
Look at it through her eyes.
She's had to endure
a very acrimonious divorce,
and then she loses
her mother in a car crash.
I know you mean well,
but I can't have her
getting to know
a succession of lovers
just for them to disappear.
She needs stability.
A succession?
That's hardly the point, is it?
I just want to say--
Why don't you fuck off!
I'm sorry. I meant...
... Fuck off, I'm having
a private conversation.
Sorry.
Any other day,
just not today.
So, is this the way
it's going to be?
Oh, please. I've already got one
9-year-old who likes tension.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I picked up
a couple of stickers anyway.
Madonna.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, why don't I call everybody
and just, you know,
put it off for a while?
Well, you've been through
a lot recently, haven't you?
The meat will freeze,
and you can pick up
the veg tomorrow.
All right.
I've not been trying
to cancel it,
I just didn't think you'd
feel up for it, that's all.
All right.
Well, I'll see you later.
I love you.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Hmm.
I suppose it bears a superficial
likeness to his style,
and it could be
by one of his followers.
But if, as you hope, it's a preparatory
drawing for a finished work,
I don't recognize it.
And without that connection to
something known to be by him,
it doesn't stand a chance
of being accepted.
And let's face it.
Things like that aren't found
in charity shops, are they?
One more night
Maybe one still sighs
On the rest of your life
One husband or wife
It's all over
Now
One more try
Till you want to waken
Curious but confined
Reserved but resigned
It's all over
Now
Oh, Harry, will you
please keep stirring?
It's not that complicated.
(knock at door)
You'll have to get that.
(clears throat)
Hello! Come in!
Mwah. You look fabulous.
Thank you. Paul, Harry.
Harry, Paul. Hello.
He hasn't met gay people
before, and he's fascinated.
No, I'm not.
I-ignore her.
It's all right. Don't worry.
I know what she's like.
Help yourselves to drinks.
I'm just on stirring duty.
Oi.
See, I told you
it would be different.
That's gay.
I have scented candles.
You're a woman.
Straight man, never.
Hi! Come in.
This is Lawrence.
Hello. Hi.
Hello again.
Oh, you two have met?
We've met.
Yes. You used to go
with one of my exes.
That French guy.
What was his name?
You make him sound like
one of your castoffs.
And it was Marcel.
Oh, that's right.
How could I forget Marcel Proust?
It was Muriac, not Proust.
Yes, I know.
Then... Why did you
say Proust?
It was a joke.
Not very funny.
Marcel Proust, the author.
(chuckles)
Whatever.
Sherry?
Yes, please.
I was going to leave you
to introduce yourselves.
I'm gonna...
(whistles sharply)
Louise, um, this is Lawrence.
Paul.
Paul, Lawrence.
It's all right.
Don't worry. I'm fine.
I... saw you a couple
of weeks ago,
when I was with Alex.
Really?
Haven't seen you in ages.
How are you?
Yeah, I'm-- I'm all right.
I suppose if I choked on something,
you'd know what to do, wouldn't you?
Why?
Well, you're on that doctors thing,
aren't you?
It's not real.
It's television.
I think he knows that.
(sniffs softly)
Hello!
S-sorry. Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
What?
Hi.
Aren't you that doctor?
Nurse.
Lars.
Lawrence.
(female vocalist vocalizing)
William, we're thinking of doing one of
those shit daytime antique shows.
We're looking for experts.
I use the term loosely.
But if it comes off,
are you interested?
It's not going to be
very glamorous, though.
You're going to be grubbing
around at boot fairs
at 7 in the morning
with fatties.
Where from?
Corby. Sounds like heaven.
Red or white?
Have you not heard about this?
It's new gay wine.
Where did you get it?
It's mail-order at the moment,
but they do it by the glass at Balans.
They've developed
these gay grapes
that are only pollinated
by other male grapes.
Really?
No!
(tittering)
No, I just shaved
the labels off
and made these
on my computer.
That's not funny.
I told you.
Could I have
the straight white, please?
Oh, loosen up, Tom.
Come on.
Yeah, all right.
It'll be about 20 minutes, guys.
So, William, tell me,
how did you two
lovebirds meet?
I sold him a table.
When I delivered it,
I asked him out for a drink.
A retzzina, I suppose.
"Zie-nuh"
Sorry?
Retzzina.
Greek wine. Nurse Zorba,
or whatever he's called.
Costa, and it's Retsina.
How's George?
Haven't seen her for ages.
She's a handful,
but she's great.
She's a great kid, isn't she?
I wouldn't know.
Lars said he had
a great time on House Swap.
Oh? What were you
doing on it?
Bit of this, bit of that.
You know, general handyman.
How was I?
You never did say.
Oh, fine.
Absolutely fine.
Has it been 20 minutes?
I can't wait.
(happy chatter)
'Kay, go on, luv.
I'll go again.
This is very good.
(happy chatter continues)
When will we know
This is all
When will we know
They want me to sign for another
2 years, but it's too long.
I wouldn't be able to do
anything else,
and there's talk of a couple of films
in the pipeline.
That's great.
How's your acting
coming along?
I haven't seen you
in anything.
You really must tell Tom and I
next time you do something.
We'll come along
and support you.
I'll make sure to do that.
Oh, and you must make sure
to invite me and Harry
to your first gig
at Carnegie Hall.
So, Lawrence,
how did you two meet?
Still met when I bought
a dining table from him.
Oh, yeah, right.
Sorry.
And what a happy day
that was.
That was the start of a
brand-new experience for me.
I've never had an affair before.
It's quite exciting.
Stolen afternoons,
furtive meetings.
You're seeing someone else
as well as William?
No. To quote someone, there is
a third person in this relationship.
Don't be an asshole, Lawrence.
Listen to yourself.
You're jealous of
a 9-year-old girl.
I'm not jealous,
and I'm not an asshole.
Really.
I was reading a report
the other day
that children
brought up by gay parents--
Yeah, yeah, Tom.
Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not
a campaigner for gay parenting.
Georgie isn't, of course.
I'm sure I'm doing
everything wrong.
All I'm trying to do is bringing
her up in an environment
where she can feel secure,
and I'm doing that
the best way I know how.
I'm fucking sorry
if she gets in the way.
That is not what I said
or meant!
There's very little point
in carrying on with this.
And there's
a double meaning in that.
You can caricature me as being
a spiteful, jealous queen, if you like,
but you cannot
keep her in a bubble.
She will get hurt again. She will meet
people who she will get close to,
and they will go away,
but that's life.
You cannot control
everything, William.
I'll see myself out.
Don't fall
But
You fall
You fall into my arms
Aren't you going
to run after him?
You've done everything short of putting
your tongue down his throat this evening.
I don't run after people.
They run after me.
Don't they, Harry?
What's that supposed to mean?
Who the fuck
do you think you are?
Harry wouldn't touch you
with a sterilized bath pole.
Really?
Nothing. Um... No.
He tried it on,
and I turned him down.
His pride's hurt, and he knows
he's blown it with the show.
I didn't want to say
anything to you,
'cause I knew you'd go mad.
You're a fucking maniac.
You should have told him,
like I said.
How could you?
It's not me.
It's your freak of a boyfriend.
It's fucking Robo-cock.
How could you?
Trouble behind
Just food for the wine
Don't let's
Morning.
That was fantastic.
Mm-hmm?
Last night.
Thank you.
No, not that.
Cheers.
No, no. That as well.
But the dinner.
It was like something
out of...
People would pay money
to see that on stage.
Mm-hmm.
Is that what
all gay people are like?
Pretty much.
Wow.
Oh, God.
There's something you
want to tell me, isn't there?
Something you've never been
able to tell anyone before?
Like what?
You're gay, aren't you?
What?
It had to happen
to me one day.
"Fag-hag finds Mr. Right,
only for him
to turn out gay."
I'm not gay.
Yes, you are.
You haven't admitted it
to yourself, but...
I promise you,
I am not gay.
Well, you would say that,
wouldn't you?
Yeah, and I'd also say it
if it was true.
You'd better not be.
So...
I'm Mr. Right, am I?
Mr. Right Now, maybe.
Ooh!
I'll give you gay!
Come here!
Morning!
I'm feeling very positive.
I've been thinking,
maybe Harry didn't--
Who?
Lars was mad enough
to have made it up.
Oh, puh-lease.
He'd been acting guiltily
ever since he got back.
Anyway, why wouldn't he?
What have I got to offer?
You've got plenty.
Morning!
Oh, thanks again
for letting me stop.
This is a test.
Until now, I've been
too focused on relationships.
From now on, I'm going
to concentrate on my acting,
put negative thoughts
behind me, and move forward.
Oh, I put--
The cereal is over there.
Oh. All-grain pyramid.
Excellent.
Where did you get that from
at 4 in the morning?
I found it
in one of the cupboards.
Well, it's not mine.
It must have been left there
by one of my exes.
(chuckles softly)
One thing you
should know
About me
Sometimes my life
goes all the way down
So deeply
that I cannot see
The one thing to save me
One thing you should
know about me
Sometimes the night
blows all the way through me
And it puts out
the light inside me
Might make nothing of me
And I
I
I can't wake up...
Where have you been?
Fucking.
I never know
when you're serious.
I'm going to bed.
Just tell me the truth.
What happened between
you and Harry?
What do you think?
I think that maybe
Harry suggested
that they might take you
on the show permanently.
I'm not saying you did
a sort of casting couch,
but perhaps one thing
led to another,
and you both
regretted it afterwards.
Is that what happened?
Yeah. You're so clever.
I'm going to bed.
I'm here all alone
It might get
the better of me
I didn't know you smoked.
Special occasion.
Wake up
With you not beside me
(cell phone rings)
Just leave me alone.
I don't believe you.
There's nothing you can say that's
going to make any difference,
so why don't you
just stop this?
All you're doing
is upsetting me,
so if that's what
you want to do,
then you're doing
a good job.
Shame. I liked him.
Mmm. Me too.
No, I meant Lars.
Thanks.
Well, he was a bit
of all right, wasn't he?
Are you sure there wasn't
any scratching on bedroom doors
after we'd all gone to bed?
I stand no
fucking chance, do I?
You're in the fucking hotel,
and you don't believe me.
(both chuckling)
You know, I'd forgotten
how provincial this place was.
in Stafford Street
to get a takeaway mocha.
Big mistake.
The dozy cow serving me
looked like she'd only ever read
about them in celebrity magazines.
"Are you from London?"
Oh, it's the poof.
It's the missing link.
Stop it, you two.
Oi, oi, oi!
Boots off my furniture!
How long's he here for?
As long as I like.
Tell him he can't
go out till it's dark.
I've got a reputation.
Leave him alone.
He's had an upset.
Broken a nail?
If you must know,
I've got
a married woman pregnant,
and the husband's
after me.
God, you're thick!
It's so beautiful.
He was a real genius.
Oh, very much, sir.
And he painted
the Mona Lisa.
Well done.
You're right. He did.
The most famous
painting in the world,
and it was done
by a gay man.
That would make such
a statement in the hallway.
If we can agree
on the price.
Can I have a word?
I am rather busy
at the moment.
Can't wait.
Would you excuse me?
Lars has told me
what happened...
Has he?
...And I've forgiven him.
Have you fucking really?
He is a very
good-looking man,
and I know how tempting
it must have been,
but he's very vulnerable
at the moment.
Oh, Tom, grow up!
You're pathetic!
Just tell that maniac to call Alex
and tell him the truth.
I can't do that, Harry.
If you want to pay hookers
and pretend it's love,
that's up to you, but it's a different
ballgame when it affects me!
Sorry to interrupt,
but I had to tell Tom,
they've just unearthed
documents in Florence.
Leonardo wasn't gay.
Said it was
a publicity stunt.
Sorry, no chips.
How will you survive?
What's that?
Oh, it's an olive.
It's from foreign.
It looks lovely, Alex.
You always were
a very good cook.
So, nothing happened
with that job on Londoners?
It was such
a blessing in disguise.
How long you gonna
give it, Alex?
Tell him not to start, Mum.
I'm just saying
you can't go on forever.
Listen, I know
that I'm going to make it.
There's no doubt
in my mind about that.
I didn't expect you
to understand.
I always knew
that I was different.
You can say that again.
If you think about it,
what is the main difference
between those that make it
and those that don't?
Don't know. I'm sure
you're going to tell us.
It's talent, for a start.
Perseverance.
Never giving up
when the going gets tough,
never taking no
for an answer.
That's the spirit...
that's going
to keep this country great.
I'm not saying
that you can't try,
but maybe you should think
about getting a trade as well.
You can try and be famous
on your days off.
This is pointless, isn't it?
Mum, you can tell me now.
I'm old enough to take it.
I was adopted, right?
Listen, if you're happy
living this small-town,
small expectations existence,
that's fine with me.
If you're happy that the most exciting
thing you've got to look forward to
is the Whitby shop,
then who's stopping you?
But I want more.
But don't you think you might be
confusing being a homosexual with--
A "homosexual"?
(chuckles)
It's the right word, isn't it?
Yes, if this was 1948.
All right.
Do you think you're
confusing being gay
with wanting to be famous?
You felt different,
and you're confusing the 2.
It's not about being famous.
It's about having
something in you that--
Oh, what's the point?
Don't know what the big deal
is about being gay.
Why does it have to
make gay people
want to be actors
and hairdressers
and fashion designers?
Why can't you have
a normal job?
Why can't you be a gay
bus driver, like me?
(laughs)
I don't think you meant that
the way it sounded, Dad.
I'm only using "bus driver"
as an example.
You could be a butcher,
or work in a factory.
Hello, I'm Alex.
I don't think we've ever met.
(cell phone rings)
Hang on.
That's your agent.
Got the lead
in that snuff movie.
What movie?
Nothing, Mother.
Is that him again?
Come on,
he was all right...
For a poof.
I don't know what you're
making such a palaver about.
And what part of the palaver
am I making too much of?
You'd have thought poofs would
have figured it out, wouldn't you?
No, I mean, men...
Should understand
the way other men think.
It's not like women, where
they're a different species.
Men want to
sleep around, Alex.
It's in the genes.
It's instinct.
Now, you can't explain
that to a woman,
but you'd have thought
a man would have got it.
Just a bodily function, mate.
Ain't anything.
Oh, so that's why Sandra
finished with you, then.
Hmmm
Picture this
and sail away
On a cloud
that's going your way
Make a wish
and watch it all
(chuckles softly)
Go the way
it's going to
Call it all impossible
Breaking all the rules with
Love
Love
Will you bloody hurry up?
And simplify
The things
that made your teeth grind
Put the bliss
on overdrive
Till there ain't
nothing left inside
Keep your head down.
Calling all unusuals
Waking up the neighbors
Suppose getting a flat
will be difficult,
with the deposit
and everything.
I'll survive.
Here.
Take this.
Buy us a yacht
when you get famous.
Take it.
Get yourself
a new dress or something.
Pig.
(male vocalists whistling)
(male vocalists
continue whistling)
There's a good boy.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
You're daddy's
little boy, aren't you?
Who needs a boyfriend?
You're not going to go after
some thick gym queen, are you?
No! No, you're not!
What are you...?
Ugh!
(arcade games beeping)
To new beginnings.
Ooh. I got your
moving-in present.
Probably the first of many
that'll end their lives here.
A candle?
Don't give me that.
I'm not fucking gay!
It's a joke!
It's a lovely thought.
Ugh! He's still
eating his droppings!
Apparently it's normal.
Gross, but normal.
Although he does seem
to do it rather a lot.
Have you got a name
for it yet?
I was thinking of Mushroom,
'cause he's only small,
and he doesn't take up
much room.
Don't give up your day job.
Talking of day jobs,
I've got some news.
I was called
into work early by Fizz,
and she tells me that she's moving
with her husband to New York.
I thought, well,
there goes my job.
But she wanted to know if I was interested
in buying the business from her.
Well, of course, I said
it was a lovely idea,
but there's no way I could
raise that kind of money.
She's virtually
giving it to me.
Stock, equipment, everything.
All I've got to do
is pay for the van,
and she said I could do that
whenever I had the money.
I've already thought of no end of
improvements I can make with the menu.
I phoned the bank,
and in theory they're going to
give me the working capital,
but I don't need much.
London's burning
And who can blame it
Impersonating
Love
Love
Picture this
It's possible
And... Action.
What do you think
of this, William?
Ah, yeah.
Now, this is really nice.
Really nice.
Looks like
the Omega Workshop,
and if we're really lucky,
it could be by the man himself,
Mr. Roger Fry.
This could do well.
Depends on the price.
It was 30 quid.
There was another
similar one
in another store for 55,
so I think this one's
fucking cheap.
Twat!
You're really showing us up!
Why'd you do it?
It just come out.
I don't know.
How can it
just come out?
Tell me again,
why am I doing this?
(telephone rings)
(champagne cork pops)
It was fate.
We were doing
a small corporate lunch,
a couple of dozen people,
at one of your banks
in the city.
Anyway, I got talking
to this chap Douglas.
He was very interested when
I told him that I was an actor.
It turns out that he's
a closet writer/director,
and he's got this project that
he's been working on for years.
He told me all about it,
and could see
that I was fascinated.
Well, where did you put it?
You keep saying.
I don't know.
You really are going to have to start getting
your stuff ready the night before, okay?
And to cut
a long story short,
we're putting on a play.
It's only a one-man thing,
but it's being done properly,
all financed by Douglas,
who's obviously got a bob or 2.
It's about an economist
called Thomas Malthus,
and it's all about this influential theory
that he wrote.
"On the Principles
of Population -
1798, revised 1803."
Basically saying that--
Well, it's a bit complicated,
but he said that
the poor die off
when there's not much
work about,
which apparently
is a good thing,
or something like that.
Found it!
Come on.
We're going to be late.
Why are you reading the paper
when I'm trying to talk to you?
Well, it's Heath.
Hey, he's single.
And he's gorgeous.
Hello, mate.
Heath, William.
William. Are you the car boot
flogger in the attic?
I take it
you're unemployed.
I work from home,
but I stretch my lunch breaks.
You'd be flattered
if I believed you.
I never really believed that
you're a proper antique dealer.
You don't wear the dickey bow.
I know. I hate them.
There's no possible excuse for wearing one,
unless you're a gynecologist.
That's an old
antique dealers' joke.
From an old antique dealer.
Want to join us?
I would love--
Shit!
Shit, shit, shit!
What?
Stay cool.
Have to give him
the satisfaction, I guess.
I'm--
Yeah. Take care.
Well, you completely
blew that.
As you can see,
I'm completely over him.
Goes without saying.
Where's your stuff gone?
You remember that double-glazing
millionaire I was on about?
Well, he just upped his offer.
I did leave you a note...
I think.
(dial tone)
I am attacked on all sides
by those reprobates
and malcontents
who would undermine the
very fabric of this society.
Is it not an obvious fact
that if the poor cannot produce,
they must starve?
Is it not verily a law of nature
that if they can't--
Law of nature that the weak
must cease from breeding?
Filthy, unwanted mouths.
What are you doing?
Working.
And you should be in bed.
Just 5 minutes.
I could help.
All right, then.
5 minutes.
And if you want to help,
sit here. Have a look at this.
What do you make of these 2?
It's the same lady,
only in this one,
she's got her back to us.
They're wearing
the same hat.
All the dangly bits match,
just the other way round.
And look.
It's even made
of the same straw stuff.
It is her, isn't it?
I am right.
I think you might be.
(knock on door)
Lars only admitted it to Tony
out of spite, you know?
Just a parting shot before
he sailed off into the sunset
with his
double-glazing millionaire.
I always expected something
like this would happen.
What? You expected me
to go off with someone else?
No, not that.
But I suppose I didn't know
what you ever saw in me, anyway.
I always thought you'd
wake up to the fact
that I wasn't the person
I thought I was.
I always knew
who you were.
Did you?
Always.
And I always loved
who you are.
Least now I know
how Mrs. Gladstone felt.
I can't do this, Harry.
Not now. Not yet.
Putting this play on
is a big opportunity for me,
and I just can't be
distracted like this.
Well, yeah. I'm shooting in
Glasgow for the next 2 weeks.
I'm definitely going to try
and make it down for you.
Harry, I don't
want you to come.
It's not because I don't want
you there, but because...
Just give me
a bit of space, okay?
(vocalists vocalizing)
Unh!
Oh, God.
It's broken!
No, it's not, darling.
Serves him right.
Georgie, stop it now.
Say you're sorry.
Come on.
No.
There's no real
harm done.
All I did was call her dad
a "bender," and she hit me.
Barnaby!
I don't know where you children
pick up language like that.
But it's true.
They said it at school.
Well, no, he's not.
And don't use that word.
Now, say you're sorry.
Well, technically,
although I wouldn't quite put it like that,
he's telling you the truth.
See?
Wishing for
The simple life
She's very protective
of you, isn't she?
Can't imagine Barnaby taking up
arms in defense of my honor.
She means well,
but she goes too far.
How long's it been?
2 years in August.
But we divorced
2 years before that.
Oh.
They're more resilient
than you'd think.
Maybe.
But you can never really know what's
going on under the surface, can you?
Mmm.
I don't mean to pry, but...
What does she think
about you being gay?
She doesn't mind.
It's just a fact.
Touch wood.
Maybe I've got that
all to come.
I think what bothers her is the thought
of someone coming between us.
She's very jealous.
That's understandable,
given the circumstances.
But, as I said,
as long as you're sensible,
they really are more resilient
than you'd imagine.
It's good to be
(vocalists vocalizing)
(audience applauds)
It appears that Douglas
is the founder of a radical economic
pressure group
called the Neo-Malthusians,
who argue that
the modern liberal world
interferes with natural
checks to population control,
like war, famine,
and disease.
Basically, we're--
They--
are calling for
the compulsory sterilization
of the long-term unemployed.
It just doesn't say any of this in the script,
so how was I to know?
I wish Mum and Dad
hadn't been there.
But it wasn't all bad.
There were trips to see it,
organized by the Adam Smith
something-or-other.
They seemed to like it.
By the end of the run,
thanks to the pickets
from the Anti-Nazi league,
we were playing
to almost-empty houses.
Hey.
Oh, Harry.
I'm just fooling myself
about everything, aren't i?
No, you're not.
Fancy a fuck?
I've got your car keys
You've got
my tee-shirt on
I've got an old tape
With our favorite songs
We got what it takes
To make us
love each other
I'm on the upside
Where the sunshine falls
You're on cloud 9
Where wishes find stars
We've got
(cell phone beeps)
What it takes
(beeping)
To keep each other warm
We're gonna give some
Take some
There's always
a wrong side
There's a right side
And we're still
on the same side
Want to set up now?
Oh, yes, if you'd like,
or I can send you
an invoice, if you prefer?
We'll do it now, shall we?
Sure.
It was very good,
by the way.
Everybody said so.
Has the company
changed hands recently?
Oh, yes. I took it over
a couple of months ago.
It's improved.
Expect a call
from Bradley King.
Old Bradley was scoffing
those salmon things.
Asked for the name of the
caterer between mouthfuls.
Great.
(woman speaking
dramatically in French)
No! Mushroom!
(water running)
When are you going
to move back properly?
Soon.
Just seems a bit of a waste
keeping that place on,
and... you're always here.
I suppose it is.
I'll tell you what.
I'll cook you dinner
Saturday evening,
and you can help me
move out Sunday morning.
How's that?
Ooh!
That sounds grand!
(chuckling)
Hey.
How are you?
And here was I, thinking
we'd burned all our bridges.
And there's been a lot of
water under the bridge as well.
What's gonna happen
to Mushroom?
I'm gonna kill him.
I've got to find him
a new home.
Harry's got an allergy.
Do you want him?
He eats his own poo.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
What do you put
on a madera cake?
Dunno.
I think Lawrence said
he likes lemon...
Oh, what a mess.
It was an accident. Yeah.
I think we've got time to start again.
How many eggs do we
have left, Georgie?
I've got some reading
to do for school.
Wait a minute.
I want to talk to you.
It'll only take a minute.
Please.
Lawrence is coming here
to see you as well as me.
He wants to get to know you.
I want you to behave
properly, yes?
You can't make me like him.
No, you're right, I can't,
but there's no reason
why you wouldn't like him.
Oh, Georgie, there's never going to be
anyone more important to me than you.
No one. Ever.
And no one's going
to come between us, okay?
Hey,
if I had to choose between you and Lawrence
or anyone in the world,
I would always choose you.
You know that, don't you?
Doesn't mean
I can't have friends, though.
You have friends.
Does it?
You're a big girl now, Georgie,
and I want you
to understand that adults,
they get lonely.
What am I trying to say?
I like Lawrence a lot.
And it would mean so much to me
if you would at least try to like him.
If you try and you don't,
that's fine,
but I just want you
to try, eh?
What do you say?
Can I go read now?
Yeah.
Mmm!
Are you, uh...
Are you going to bring these?
I take it by your tone you don't like them.
I didn't say that.
Well, I'm keeping them. They're a
moving-in present from Lisa at work.
You all right?
I'm fine.
I'm cooking.
I always get like this
when I'm cooking.
(doorbell rings)
Hmm.
That can stay
where it is.
And you can
chuck that as well.
I know that by heart.
Regardless of
the play's content,
the acting was amateur.
The stem of the word
"amateur" is amore, "love."
An amateur is someone whose only
motivation for doing something
is the love of it, so you mustn't be
ashamed to be called an amateur.
Do you want me to hit you?
No.
Why are you always so...?
It was a disaster.
There's no sugaring the pill.
When they used the word amateur,
it wasn't a compliment.
I know, I just--
You just what?
Think I'm dizzy?
Think I need protecting?
Sometimes it's like sinking in
warm quicksand, being with you.
You make it feel all so comfortable,
but it drags me down.
I'm sorry.
But I'm not a child, Harry.
That's a pretty hairclip.
I don't like it.
Oh.
Do you like school?
No.
You do.
You do. You're doing
a project on Tudors.
Why don't you tell Lawrence
all about them.
It's boring.
You said it was interesting,
and you told me
all about it yesterday.
Why don't you tell Lawrence
about them, then?
All right, I will.
The Tudor Dynasty started
when Henry VII
defeated Richard III
at the Battle of Bosworth Field.
This is the Battle
where Richard says,
"A horse, a horse,
my kingdom for a horse."
This was the end of
the Wars of the Roses.
This is where
the House of Lancaster
and the House of Cornwall...
What?
What?
... Fought to be
Kings of England.
Now, when the Wars
of the Roses ended,
that was also the end
of the Hundred Years' War.
Why weren't you angry?
Hmm?
When I believed Lars
and not you.
I mean, if the roles had been reversed,
I'd have been furious that
you hadn't trusted my word over that...
Where is this going?
Do you think I really did
sleep with him?
No.
Good.
I did find him attractive,
and I suppose I was responsible
for the way he reacted
'cause I led him on.
But... when it
came down to it,
I couldn't risk
what I had with you.
You didn't seem to have
any faith in me.
When King Henry VIII
was dying,
he smelled so rotten
because of all the pus
from the disease that people were
actually sick if they went near him.
And when he died,
he was succeeded by his son Edward,
but it didn't last very long.
In fact, it was rather boring.
And he was succeeded
by Mary, Queen of Scots.
You're wrong!
It wasn't Mary,
Queen of Scots.
She came later.
It was Bloody Mary.
And she had all the people
who didn't like her religion
tortured by being burned
and having their
stomachs pulled out
by rusty iron hooks.
That's not true.
Is.
Is it?
Yeah.
It's disgusting.
Mm-hmm.
Harry, I don't
want to leave here.
I'm sorry, but I don't
want us to go out anymore.
You see, until now, I've never
really had any control over my life.
I've always lived with people
who took all the responsibility,
whether it was my family
or flatmates or lovers.
For the first time,
I feel like I've got some power.
You know,
I chose this place.
I furnished and decorated it.
If I don't post the money
off to the electricity people,
the lights go out.
And the business,
it's hard work, but...
I love it,
and it's something
I'm good at.
I make mistakes,
but I learn from them.
I'd always been looking
for someone like you,
a Mr. Right to come along,
look after me,
and I found him.
I am going to miss
that safety and security
I feel when I'm with him.
I love you.
Oh, I love you, too.
This is possibly the worst,
most difficult decision
I'm going to make in my life,
but... I have to let him go.
So, this is it?
It's his drawing style,
and the paper's right.
This is Mary Cassatt.
She was an American artist living in Paris.
That's where she met Degas.
He drew her many times
over the years,
but this one is from 1879.
It's a study for a mural
that was never completed,
and it was exhibited at the
Fourth Impressionist Exhibition, so...
If I'm right,
mine's a fragment of a picture
produced for the same project.
I mean, it's rough.
The hat's superimposed on the
hat as almost an afterthought,
but Degas did that
with his working drawings.
It's probably cut away
from the larger sheet
as a memento for someone,
that sort of thing.
I may be wrong,
but my instincts are good.
All I know is that it's...
It's beautiful.
It's worth making the effort.
I mean, it's worth
taking the risk of being wrong.
It may not work out,
but I have to try.
There's a double meaning
in that.
I'll never get over you,
you know?
You made me feel safe.
And wanted.
And happy.
Those are no small things.
But I need to grow up now.
So do you.
Anyway, I couldn't find anyone
to take care of Mushroom.
It was either you or him.
Who else was going to stop him
from eating his own crap?
Tenderness
All you need
Gentleness
Is what you give to me
When I...
What about the
Victorian fire tongs?
Are they going to set
the auction ablaze?
What about the lovely
old gramophone?
You say it's love
I say it ain't
Here you go.
Have a safe flight.
Thank you. Cheers.
No, 'cause, look,
there's 2 Janes.
One Jane.
Is there one Jane?
No, 'cause it's divorced,
beheaded, divorced, survived.
No, not beheaded,
but divorced, beheaded--
Beheaded!
(laughing)
2 outsiders
Fucking hell!
I heard you were off.
God, how boring,
sitting around campfires
with doped-up
middle class weirdos
who think hugging
changes shit.
You're just running away.
I think you should leave.
You really got under my skin,
and I have absolutely
no idea why.
I mean, you're nothing
to look at, are you?
So, in other words, your
double-glazing millionaire's left you?
He never existed.
I made him up to make
things worse for Tom.
Evil, aren't i?
I just couldn't stand
being with that twat any longer.
Well, if you've come here
looking for a credit card and a bed...
I don't want your money.
I'm a personal trainer now.
I'll give you a discount,
if you like.
You could do with
shifting a few pounds.
Oh, thanks very much.
And you needn't thank me for telling
him nothing happened between us.
I wasn't planning to.
I knew he'd come
straight to you.
I even surprised
myself with that one.
You've ruined me.
I don't want
to be like that again.
And you need someone like me.
Someone...
Someone who frightens you.
(dance music playing)
Oh, sorry.
No, you're all right.
Here we go.
Can I get you another one?
No, you're all right, mate.
Hi, Marcel.
Hey, Alex.
Sorry about your friend.
It's a good job he's a mate of yours.
I'd have kicked his ass!
Yeah, right!
He's a bit of a wipe.
He keeps looking over.
Go on. Go over.
Know you want to.
Maybe it's too soon.
You're right.
That doesn't even convince me.
Do you want a drink?
One thing you
should know about me
Sometimes my life
Goes all the way down
So deeply
that I cannot see
The one thing to save me
I'm feeling like
I did before I knew you
I'm waiting
like I don't have time
I've given all I can
And go right to you
And you say you're fine
I can know you're never
gonna get out
And it's better not to lie
Now you're living
like a lookout
Always running
from your life
What did anyone say to you
And me
This world
Careful as it is
I'm a little late
I'm a little late
(new song begins)
I've got your car keys
You've got
my tee-shirt on
I've got an old tape
With our favorite songs
We got
What it takes
To make us
love each other
I'm on the upside
Where the sunshine falls
You're on cloud 9
Where wishes find stars
We got
What it takes
To keep each other warm
We're gonna give some
And take some
There's always
a wrong side
There's a right side
And we're still on
the same side
before we begin recording,
perhaps we could just
have a little chat.
Yeah, I think
that's a good idea.
Louise, do you think
that perhaps you're being
just a little demanding
in your requirements?
Because we did have very
high hopes for you and Paul,
and I seem to remember him saying
that he was really quite smitten.
I don't think my requirements
were that demanding.
That of course is
entirely your opinion,
but we feel that he did fulfill
all your specifications.
So, tell me,
what is it that we can
supply this time
that we didn't
supply last time?
What am I looking for
that's different from last time?
Let me see.
Oh. I know.
I'd like a boyfriend
that's not gay.
Twice upon a time
The princess
kissed the prince
And missed the point
I think you must have made
some kind of mistake.
Paul Bradbury is not gay.
Well, maybe he isn't,
but I know for a fact
that the man
he dumped me for is.
Everything is
Everything is
crazy-strange
And very real
Close your eyes
Make up your mind
And take your time
I'll always be there
Maybe Mr. Right
Is hidden, undiscovered
Pressed for time
I'll bet he's coming
out tonight
He's all right
There's up
and there's down
And there's no way around
What he's hiding
Breaking the rules
Is amazingly cool
You're invited
Everything is
Everything is
crazy-strange
And very real
Close your eyes
Make up your mind
And take your time
I'll always be there
Everything is
Everything is
Everything is
Everything
Everything is
Everything
Everything is
Everything
Everything is
Everything
Everything is
Everything
Everything is
Everything
You're old enough
to know better.
Anytime you want to use your
parenting skills, it's fine by me.
One more time
We've all heard about women this
has happened to, haven't we?
And if we're honest,
we think it's a bit of a joke.
I mean, you'd know,
wouldn't you?
But I didn't,
and I'm used to being
around gay people.
I've learnt my lesson.
I'd never introduce my man
to my gay friends again.
But I don't mind introducing
you to my friends--
Well, at least I thought
that they were my friends.
This is my Alex,
my best friend.
He wanted to be an actor.
He'd been with Harry
for a year.
In fact, it was
their anniversary.
Harry was all right,
but he could be a bit...
smarmy.
Just kept him happy
by buying him things.
And here's Tom.
Tom was about to have
a major exhibition,
but he was more concerned
about keeping Lars happy.
Lars is very good looking,
but he knew it.
You know the type.
He'd got expensive tastes,
but it was always someone else
who picked up the bill.
And William--
William had a tough time
over the last few years,
but he was coming out
the other side,
and he'd just met Lawrence.
Lawrence is an actor,
so you can imagine
what a handful he was.
You'd recognize him.
He was in that doctors thing.
I thought I was the one
out of all my friends
who had got it sorted.
So let me tell you what happened
to me one day last summer.
I was going on
my first proper date with Paul.
I thought he was perfect.
It's over
Let's go.
Let me see 6,
let me see 5,
let me see 4.
3. Where's 2?
Where's 1?
Let's flip, baby!
Let's go!
3, 2, 1.
Get up! Go!
Move, move, move!
Let me see that!
Let me see that!
Move the feet, quick!
Quick! Quick!
Ready to do it again?
Let's go!
All right. Fly jumps.
You can do it.
Push me up, pull me down.
To the 5, to the 4,
to the 3.
Stay with me. 2.
1. Good man.
That's what
I'm talking about.
Good to see.
Right? Good man.
(cell phone ringing)
Hi, Louise.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, I'm stuck in traffic.
I- it's not moving.
I reckon I'm gonna have
to turn around and go back.
I was really looking forward
to fitting your kitchen.
Yeah, listen, the battery
on my phone's running low.
I'll give you a call next--
Hello?
Thought you were fixing
Louise's washing machine.
Still waiting for a part.
Have another one.
I thought you might have
had enough.
You know me.
I've never had enough.
Better make sure I don't.
Is that a threat?
Take it any way you want.
I'll take it
as a threat, then.
I'll get my stuff
and I'll be out of here.
It's not a threat. I'm really sorry.
I've just had a hard day.
I'm going now.
Luv!
Tom sees the good in people.
Sees the good in people?
What he sees
is a good bit of ass
that he wouldn't stand
a chance with
if he didn't have
a Gucci store card.
Anyway, getting back to me.
Harry bought me
the original artwork
for the 1977 Dalek annual.
It's like the Bible
of Doctor Who fans.
All right?
Fine. I can't stop.
I've got a meeting.
I wasn't trying
to hold you up.
That's all right,
now, isn't it?
Isn't that that Greek doctor
from Emergency Accident?
He's only a nurse.
How do you know him?
Have you... You know?
As if!
He went out with
one of my exes.
He's been around forever.
I knew him when he was on the dole.
Sorry. Got held up in the edit.
Mwah.
Mwah.
How'd the audition go?
Don't want to talk about it.
What's the matter with you?
Lawrence Wright's upstairs.
Very Greek name, isn't it?
There are hardly any
roles for Greeks as it is,
so why should he get
the part above a real one?
Why are you bothered?
You're not Greek.
I'm not bothered.
I'm not bothered at all.
You write to point of view?
Someone has to stand up
for Greek actors.
Do you want me
to beat him up for you?
Yes, please.
How are you, darling?
She's all right. Come on.
We're going to be late.
Hello, how are you?
(friendly chatter)
You don't phone,
you don't write.
I've been frantic.
Give me a break.
Visiting my mother.
Which we're late for.
Then we get a nice meal.
Just my luck.
Our anniversary's on the same day
as his bloody mother's birthday.
Congratulations.
We must arrange a Sunday lunch.
Bring George.
Don't mention George.
Got 3 days' peace.
See you later.
See you.
Bye.
Bye-bye, baby.
Bye, darling.
Yeah, can you stop off
on your way and get time out?
Oh, will you?
Dolce and Gabbana
I cannot even say it
I'll tell you right now
it's on my wish list
Whoa-oh
You're gonna pay for it
So you better get rich
I'm sick of being High Street
like everybody I meet
Ultimately trendy
Boys wearing girls' shoes
Imagine
Whoa-oh
A fashion statement
But you do look gay
in the pink shirt
Please, will you
buy this for me?
I'm ritzy
Is it only a year?
Seems so much longer.
I bumped into William earlier.
He sends his love.
Oh, William.
They were at Westminster
together, you know.
Yes, I know.
(chuckles faintly)
No one guessed
until only a few years ago.
Even Harry.
He played rugby
for the county.
Mmm. Probably
the physical contact
with all those sweaty
men that he liked.
Hmm.
When I heard
that he'd come out,
I had hoped
that William and...
But no.
William found this
for me last year.
We think it's a young
Thomas Huxley.
Huxley. Biologist.
I'm seeing Tom tomorrow.
Oh, Tom!
So talented.
There was an article
on his new exhibition.
I had hoped that Harry
and he were...
Well, they spent so much time
at university together.
But as usual, a mother's wishes
count for nothing.
Which university
did you go...?
Ohh.
Yes, of course.
We've had this conversation, haven't we?
Tom's taken up
with a mad hooker
who's fleecing him
for all he's got.
Well, that's not--
That's not strictly
true, is it?
Harry tells me you've been
doing very well in your job...
as a waiter.
It's not just being a waiter.
It's also helping
to prepare the food.
And, anyway, it's only
until the acting takes off.
Oh, yes, of course.
You want to be an actor, don't you?
Harry tells me that you may be
an extra in some soap opera.
(chuckles)
It's nice that Harry
keeps you so well-informed.
I've been thinking of
All the words
I'd like to say
And I can't believe
How I feel today
When the lights go out
When they shut you down
You will know that
I'm still the same
At last!
I want to have
a look around.
Rugby!
Why did you buy this?
I won it.
My-- my team won it, yeah.
Is there any chance
of a drink?
No worry. I'll wash
the glass afterwards
so there's no DNA evidence
that I was ever here.
Shut up. Come here.
I've been
thinking of
All the words
I tried to say
And I can't believe
how I feel today
When the lights go out
When they shut you down
You will know that
I'm still the same
Aaahhhh!
Aaahhhh!
(screaming continues)
(gasping)
What do you say, Georgina?
Sorry I frightened you.
I should have left a note
to say we'd be back early.
Yeah.
Daddy doesn't let me meet
any of his boyfriends.
You amaze me.
We usually keep her
locked in the attic.
Shouldn't you be going?
Mm.
It's been lovely meeting you.
Bye.
I'm sorry.
Uh... What are you
doing tonight?
I want to spend some time
with George.
But I'm free on Wednesday.
Come and see
the shells I found.
See you.
Yeah, see you.
And... Action.
And in here...
What do you think?
Good God.
What have you done?
Well, we've...
Done exactly what we
thought you'd like.
This is... No.
Well, I don't think...
God, I hate it!
I absolutely... Oh, God!
Sorry.
(telephone ringing)
Tell me again,
why am I doing this?
The money.
Oh, yes.
The hotel's fucked up
and let half our rooms go.
Is there a run on rooms
in Northampton?
The weather forecast
says it's going to be...
Shit for the week,
so we may have to scale
the garden down.
Good.
And the gorgeous Charlie's
girlfriend's dumped him again,
so we're expecting trouble.
Tom rang. Can you meet him
in the gallery?
He said, or at home.
And lastly...
I'm pregnant.
You're fired.
Any idea
who the father is?
I've narrowed it down
to the fleet auxiliary,
but I've convinced John
it's his.
I suppose we have to hug.
It's expected.
Congratulations.
Give John my best.
You don't do gay right.
No, it's just
I don't do those.
By now, my other gay friends
would be squeezing
the life out of me
and screaming about taking me
shopping for maternity clothes.
Maybe it's
just expected of you
because you are posh
and went to private school.
Well, that's it.
I'm not gay at all!
It all fits.
I don't like musicals,
rows in the street, cocaine.
Well done.
Means I've got to get
another assistant.
I'm so glad
I didn't get the job.
If you go on a soap opera,
you can get typecast,
and that's so not where I want
to be at this point in my career.
It's a fact that all
the good jobs
go to the extras from
the top handful of agencies.
Surprise, surprise, Lawrence Wright
was taken on by one of them.
He must have slept
with one of the bookers,
'cause he ain't that good.
I know I've got talent
and that I'm going to make it.
I think they'll be impressed
by the CV.
I know it doesn't show
that many roles,
but they'll see from the amount of
classes and workshops I've attended
that I have a real dedication.
Alex, listen, I'll have
to talk to you later, babe.
Thank you.
Darling, there you are.
Will you stop
disappearing like this!
Now, come on.
(power drill whirrs)
How long have you been there?
Not long.
What do you think?
I think they're shit.
But as long as people are
stupid enough to pay for them,
it's all good with me.
My work represents
a positive affirmation
of what it is to be gay
in the 21st century.
To me, gayness
isn't just about sex,
it's about everything.
I patronize gay restaurants
and taxi firms,
and, in a way, I'm developing
a totally new gay art.
I wish she would just shut up!
I think it's interesting.
No, you don't!
You think it's bollocks!
Shh!
The lines and dots
that make up the image
are in actual fact
not made up of just one color,
but all the colors
of the rainbow--
the gay rainbow.
It's like pointillism,
only gay.
Hey, you're talking
Blah blah blah
Blah blah blah
Blah blah
So, is Harry coming?
Him and Alex went to Brighton
for the weekend.
Hey, you're talking,
blah blah blah
So, how much would something
like that go for, then?
150 grand.
What?!
Yeah, I know!
I thought
that was a fake.
Uh, no, believe me,
I have earned it.
So you're not really
into him, then.
It's not just the money.
He's all right.
I look really bad now,
don't I?
Don't mind me.
I'm not judging.
I'm off.
Where you going this time?
I told you.
I know he's seeing
other people,
but when I confront him about it,
he denies it and says
if that's what I believe,
I should throw him out.
Maybe you should,
if it's making you unhappy.
No. He knows I never would.
That's why he's
messing you around.
He hasn't got any boundaries.
He's not a child.
Don't treat him
like one, then.
I don't!
You do.
He lives rent-free.
You buy his clothes.
You give him money,
pocket money.
You treat him like a child.
He's not the first, is he?
You really have to stop
being ashamed of being gay.
(scoffs)
You're just buying into that straight-dominated
way of looking at gay life.
If Lars were a woman, you wouldn't
think there was anything strange
about her being supported
by a male partner, would you?
And that's all I'm doing.
I'm helping Lars out until he gets
his singing career off the ground.
Singing?
I thought it was modeling.
Well, that didn't work out.
There's nothing you could do
for him, is there?
Wonderful. That's right.
Yep. Yep.
Okay.
That sounds perfect.
Thank you.
Alex, please hurry.
We don't have time.
Come on, darling.
Excellent.
Actually, I'm going to call you back.
Thank you. Okay. Thanks.
Alex, can you just do
what I tell you, please?
I think there's
something wrong.
I don't pay you to think.
These are the wrong ones.
What are you talking about?
These are the returns
from Samuelson's.
They may have tasted all right,
but they've been out
for God knows how long.
I mean, crawling with E. Coli and stuff.
Lethal.
Older people or children
could have died.
I've never seen someone
look so contrite.
She was in floods.
She could have gone to prison.
Trouble is, she doesn't
really pay attention.
It's only a hobby
hubby organized for her
to keep her occupied while he's
doing corporate takeovers.
And her menu
is so old-fashioned.
It's like something served halftime
at the Battle of Hastings.
I told her about
my cinnamon twirls,
and we're going to
try them out next week.
You're a real hero.
All I do is make crap telly.
Do something about it, then.
What do you want to do?
Seriously.
What I want to do
is travel around Asia.
I can't. I've got
career responsibilities.
More importantly, in half an hour,
the cabby gets here.
What shall we do
with the time?
It's Thursday.
(chuckles)
That's right.
What if Matron
were to find us?
I've been on bedpans
all morning,
so I'm entitled.
It's in my equity agreement.
(both laughing)
Sorry.
(knocking on door)
Yes? What do you want,
you beastly little peeping tom?
They need you in set
in 5 minutes.
My public are calling for me.
I don't suppose
you're free later.
Got a parents' meeting.
What time does it finish?
8:.00, but then
I've got to be at home.
She keeps waking up
during the night lately.
Mum's getting too old
to have her sleep disturbed.
I could always come to you,
now that she's met me.
I'm not sure, Lawrence.
Hey, look, why don't we
have a weekend away?
Georgie's going to see
some friends.
We'd have 2 whole nights.
What do you reckon?
Okay.
See you later. Break a leg and...
Whatever it is you do.
Ciao.
Are you ready, gents?
Action.
(cat meows)
Oh, Maggie, that's looking
really beautiful.
(Scottish accents)
Oh, yes.
It's really, really beautiful.
Jim and Jill
will really, really love it.
Right. Let's get that lovely cup of tea
we've been promising ourselves,
then we'll see what the gorgeous
Charlie's been up to all morning.
Cut.
(Scottish accent)
That looks really, really shit.
(cat yowls)
(making choking sounds)
Georgie.
Don't you think you're being
a little harsh on this doll.
All she did was say hello
to this doll's boyfriend.
(dramatic voice)
She must die!
(making choking sounds)
And I'd have expected a bit more
to have been done in here.
Remind me again when
Jim and Jill are coming back.
Sunday morning.
I think I'd better have a word
with the gorgeous Charlie.
You're being a bit of
a slow coach today, Charlie.
We've only got
until Sunday, you know.
(weeping audibly)
And cut.
I loved her!
(weeping audibly)
By "period," they probably
thought they were getting
Victorian Rustic
or Edwardian Country House,
not fucking Stalingrad, 1943!
Yeah, well,
what are we gonna do?
Let's go to the pub.
You're gonna make
my day
Hey
Na-na
na-na-na
Hey
Na-na
na-na-na
You're gonna
make my day
Row, row, row
your boat
Gently down...
On me
Merrily, merrily, merrily
You make my life complete
Everybody wants to touch
Your fleece
that's white as snow
Everywhere you
lead me, babe
I'm sure that I will go
Pop goes the weasel
Hey
Lars! Charlie's dropped
out of the show,
and Harry needs you
up in Northampton.
This could be
your big chance!
No, you put
the phone down first.
You do it.
You're a big girl's blouse,
you know that.
Speak to you tomorrow.
Bye.
Can I come with you
on Saturday?
Your Grandma's taking you
to Hannah's party.
I thought you were looking forward
to the sleepover.
Hanna's a poo-head.
She's your best friend.
She's still a poo-head.
I want to come with you
to Brighton.
It'd be boring.
We're going to all those antique shops.
Is Lawrence
going with you?
He might.
He is. I heard you
on the phone.
Why can't I come as well?
Because you wouldn't
like it, all right?
Is he gonna live here
with us?
Do I call him daddy now?
Harry, we're good to do this.
Will you just get yourself
out there now, please?
Great, yeah.
I will not mind.
And, Emma, come on, love.
Uh... Sorry!
Okay, setup,
ready to shoot this now.
And, um, thank you.
And action.
(drill whirrs)
Can you turn that off, Lars?
Thanks.
Well, it's very sad that our
Charlie's been taken ill,
but we're very lucky
because the gorgeous Lars
has stepped into the breach.
Well, a boy's got to do
what a boy's got to do.
(chuckles)
(distant power tool whirrs)
Yeah, maybe
we should cut there.
Me and Louise were just
talking about how stupid you are.
He's got a screw loose.
I guarantee he'll be
nothing but trouble.
Don't worry,
it's your funeral.
Ta-da!
What do you think?
It's great, but on you it's gonna be
like sticking a sequin on a rat's ass.
You look amazing!
Thank you.
No, you look fab.
She looks great.
She's got a date with that Paul tonight.
She thinks he's the one.
Gorgeous!
Thank you, Harry!
Anyway, you can tell Lars
that he's coming
for dinner next week.
I've rung Tully
and invited him.
I bumped into William.
He's bringing his new beau.
I don't know.
He's an actor, I think.
And if he hasn't dumped her by then,
Louise is bringing Paul.
Better go.
Oh. My. God.
I've found something that
even you would look good in.
Thanks.
Are they brother and sister?
I don't know. What do you think?
I have no idea.
I just think
it's very strange...
Well, Harry.
Yeah.
I just want to say,
I'm very grateful
for this opportunity.
Oh, hey, don't worry about it.
But don't get your hopes up,
'cause it could only be
for the one show.
Still, I know people
think I'm trouble,
and you probably could have
found somebody else for the job
if you'd really tried.
If it did become
a regular gig,
as I said,
I'd be very grateful.
Yeah.
(cell phone rings)
(car horns honking)
Hey.
I can't just
leave her like this.
Well, I don't know.
She hasn't got a fever.
Yes, darling?
It's your move.
You go back in there and
tell Grandma to move for me.
Okay. Thank you.
Sorry.
No. No, of course
I understand.
Maybe I could come to you.
We could meet for lunch
on Tuesday.
Oh, a whole lunchtime! Are you
sure you can manage that?
Twat!
Harry, hello.
Put your tongue back in.
There's a good boy.
I was just... Um...
Thinking about the...
Mmm!
These are delicious, darling!
You'll want royalties
now, won't you?
That just may be, but...
I can't make a peach
smell like a banana, can i?
So...
Right.
Cheers.
I've always thought you were
the only one of Tom's friends
who wasn't a fucking idiot.
I'll take that as a compliment.
I've seen you looking,
so don't even pretend
you're not interested.
Things happen for a reason,
and this was obviously
meant to be.
I'm feeling very positive.
Although you have to know
how to deal with negativity,
have to know how to transform
a negative into a positive.
For example, I didn't get the job
on Londoners, which was a negative.
But on the positive, I took the power
back and sent my photo and CV
off to the top actors' agencies.
But they've all written back
saying that
they're not interested,
which, again, is a negative.
In other words,
I didn't go to fucking RADA
or one of the other
good drama schools,
so I don't have that
stamp of approval.
Not at all interested
in the classes I've attended,
or the commitment I've shown.
It's not all about diplomas
and pieces of paper.
What about natural talent?
Van Gogh didn't go
to art school,
and he ended up
all right, didn't he?
Yeah, I suppose.
Have you seen
my red pullover?
Dry cleaners.
Shit.
Well?
What?
How did it all go?
Oh, it was all right.
Yeah.
Same as these things
ever are, really.
Lars didn't disgrace himself?
Nope.
No, he was all right.
Are you going to
take him on permanently?
No. No, it's just going
to be a one-off.
You all right?
Yep.
I'm just knackered actually.
(cell phone rings)
Hello, babe.
Yeah, he's here.
It's Lars.
He says your phone's
permanently turned off.
Sorry, Lars, he's asleep.
He looks really cute,
except for the dribble
trailing out of his mouth.
Yeah, I'll tell him.
All right.
Doesn't it make
you cross?
And racing around
Tracking her down
He says he's really
looking forward to dinner,
and can't wait
to meet Alex again.
Oh, fuck.
What's going on?
Nothing.
I know it's difficult for you.
I'm just saying that
maybe if you involve me more.
Sorry, but you've got no idea
what it's like being a parent.
I have to put her first.
Of course you do.
Look, I'm not stupid.
It's been 3 months now,
and in gay years,
we're approaching our
golden wedding anniversary.
I don't get involved
with people like this.
For me normally
it's just a bit of fun.
It peaces out
after a few weeks.
I... really like you,
and...
Well, it's not easy.
This is... new.
Am I boring you?
What? What?
Sorry, no.
Just give me a second.
Wouldn't you
like to give up?
Just for one night
put down the fight
All smoke and mirrors
Nobody's winning
You'll be safe.
They won't ravish you or anything.
I know.
I'm not some kind of hick.
I give money
to Amnesty International.
I read The Guardian,
for God's sake.
And that bloke
who cuts my hair,
I reckon he's gay, and I don't
have a problem with that,
so you can't accuse me
of being homophobic.
No one's accusing you
of anything.
You just seem a little
on edge about going.
Well, I'm not.
It's just...
They're all gonna be gay.
What am I gonna talk about?
Just talk about normal stuff.
Normal stuff for blokes
is football and women's tits.
Now do you see my problem?
You're just being silly.
Don't you have any friends
who aren't gay?
Yeah, 'course I do.
There's... Emma, and...
Though I don't see
much of her.
And there's Sharon.
Oh, no. Sharon's your sister.
She doesn't count.
I don't know. I just get on with gay men.
It's not a crime, is it?
No.
Are you calling me a fag-hag?
No.
I'm not a fag-hag!
Fag-hag!
I hate that word!
Get off! Stop it!
Look at it through her eyes.
She's had to endure
a very acrimonious divorce,
and then she loses
her mother in a car crash.
I know you mean well,
but I can't have her
getting to know
a succession of lovers
just for them to disappear.
She needs stability.
A succession?
That's hardly the point, is it?
I just want to say--
Why don't you fuck off!
I'm sorry. I meant...
... Fuck off, I'm having
a private conversation.
Sorry.
Any other day,
just not today.
So, is this the way
it's going to be?
Oh, please. I've already got one
9-year-old who likes tension.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I picked up
a couple of stickers anyway.
Madonna.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, why don't I call everybody
and just, you know,
put it off for a while?
Well, you've been through
a lot recently, haven't you?
The meat will freeze,
and you can pick up
the veg tomorrow.
All right.
I've not been trying
to cancel it,
I just didn't think you'd
feel up for it, that's all.
All right.
Well, I'll see you later.
I love you.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Hmm.
I suppose it bears a superficial
likeness to his style,
and it could be
by one of his followers.
But if, as you hope, it's a preparatory
drawing for a finished work,
I don't recognize it.
And without that connection to
something known to be by him,
it doesn't stand a chance
of being accepted.
And let's face it.
Things like that aren't found
in charity shops, are they?
One more night
Maybe one still sighs
On the rest of your life
One husband or wife
It's all over
Now
One more try
Till you want to waken
Curious but confined
Reserved but resigned
It's all over
Now
Oh, Harry, will you
please keep stirring?
It's not that complicated.
(knock at door)
You'll have to get that.
(clears throat)
Hello! Come in!
Mwah. You look fabulous.
Thank you. Paul, Harry.
Harry, Paul. Hello.
He hasn't met gay people
before, and he's fascinated.
No, I'm not.
I-ignore her.
It's all right. Don't worry.
I know what she's like.
Help yourselves to drinks.
I'm just on stirring duty.
Oi.
See, I told you
it would be different.
That's gay.
I have scented candles.
You're a woman.
Straight man, never.
Hi! Come in.
This is Lawrence.
Hello. Hi.
Hello again.
Oh, you two have met?
We've met.
Yes. You used to go
with one of my exes.
That French guy.
What was his name?
You make him sound like
one of your castoffs.
And it was Marcel.
Oh, that's right.
How could I forget Marcel Proust?
It was Muriac, not Proust.
Yes, I know.
Then... Why did you
say Proust?
It was a joke.
Not very funny.
Marcel Proust, the author.
(chuckles)
Whatever.
Sherry?
Yes, please.
I was going to leave you
to introduce yourselves.
I'm gonna...
(whistles sharply)
Louise, um, this is Lawrence.
Paul.
Paul, Lawrence.
It's all right.
Don't worry. I'm fine.
I... saw you a couple
of weeks ago,
when I was with Alex.
Really?
Haven't seen you in ages.
How are you?
Yeah, I'm-- I'm all right.
I suppose if I choked on something,
you'd know what to do, wouldn't you?
Why?
Well, you're on that doctors thing,
aren't you?
It's not real.
It's television.
I think he knows that.
(sniffs softly)
Hello!
S-sorry. Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
What?
Hi.
Aren't you that doctor?
Nurse.
Lars.
Lawrence.
(female vocalist vocalizing)
William, we're thinking of doing one of
those shit daytime antique shows.
We're looking for experts.
I use the term loosely.
But if it comes off,
are you interested?
It's not going to be
very glamorous, though.
You're going to be grubbing
around at boot fairs
at 7 in the morning
with fatties.
Where from?
Corby. Sounds like heaven.
Red or white?
Have you not heard about this?
It's new gay wine.
Where did you get it?
It's mail-order at the moment,
but they do it by the glass at Balans.
They've developed
these gay grapes
that are only pollinated
by other male grapes.
Really?
No!
(tittering)
No, I just shaved
the labels off
and made these
on my computer.
That's not funny.
I told you.
Could I have
the straight white, please?
Oh, loosen up, Tom.
Come on.
Yeah, all right.
It'll be about 20 minutes, guys.
So, William, tell me,
how did you two
lovebirds meet?
I sold him a table.
When I delivered it,
I asked him out for a drink.
A retzzina, I suppose.
"Zie-nuh"
Sorry?
Retzzina.
Greek wine. Nurse Zorba,
or whatever he's called.
Costa, and it's Retsina.
How's George?
Haven't seen her for ages.
She's a handful,
but she's great.
She's a great kid, isn't she?
I wouldn't know.
Lars said he had
a great time on House Swap.
Oh? What were you
doing on it?
Bit of this, bit of that.
You know, general handyman.
How was I?
You never did say.
Oh, fine.
Absolutely fine.
Has it been 20 minutes?
I can't wait.
(happy chatter)
'Kay, go on, luv.
I'll go again.
This is very good.
(happy chatter continues)
When will we know
This is all
When will we know
They want me to sign for another
2 years, but it's too long.
I wouldn't be able to do
anything else,
and there's talk of a couple of films
in the pipeline.
That's great.
How's your acting
coming along?
I haven't seen you
in anything.
You really must tell Tom and I
next time you do something.
We'll come along
and support you.
I'll make sure to do that.
Oh, and you must make sure
to invite me and Harry
to your first gig
at Carnegie Hall.
So, Lawrence,
how did you two meet?
Still met when I bought
a dining table from him.
Oh, yeah, right.
Sorry.
And what a happy day
that was.
That was the start of a
brand-new experience for me.
I've never had an affair before.
It's quite exciting.
Stolen afternoons,
furtive meetings.
You're seeing someone else
as well as William?
No. To quote someone, there is
a third person in this relationship.
Don't be an asshole, Lawrence.
Listen to yourself.
You're jealous of
a 9-year-old girl.
I'm not jealous,
and I'm not an asshole.
Really.
I was reading a report
the other day
that children
brought up by gay parents--
Yeah, yeah, Tom.
Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not
a campaigner for gay parenting.
Georgie isn't, of course.
I'm sure I'm doing
everything wrong.
All I'm trying to do is bringing
her up in an environment
where she can feel secure,
and I'm doing that
the best way I know how.
I'm fucking sorry
if she gets in the way.
That is not what I said
or meant!
There's very little point
in carrying on with this.
And there's
a double meaning in that.
You can caricature me as being
a spiteful, jealous queen, if you like,
but you cannot
keep her in a bubble.
She will get hurt again. She will meet
people who she will get close to,
and they will go away,
but that's life.
You cannot control
everything, William.
I'll see myself out.
Don't fall
But
You fall
You fall into my arms
Aren't you going
to run after him?
You've done everything short of putting
your tongue down his throat this evening.
I don't run after people.
They run after me.
Don't they, Harry?
What's that supposed to mean?
Who the fuck
do you think you are?
Harry wouldn't touch you
with a sterilized bath pole.
Really?
Nothing. Um... No.
He tried it on,
and I turned him down.
His pride's hurt, and he knows
he's blown it with the show.
I didn't want to say
anything to you,
'cause I knew you'd go mad.
You're a fucking maniac.
You should have told him,
like I said.
How could you?
It's not me.
It's your freak of a boyfriend.
It's fucking Robo-cock.
How could you?
Trouble behind
Just food for the wine
Don't let's
Morning.
That was fantastic.
Mm-hmm?
Last night.
Thank you.
No, not that.
Cheers.
No, no. That as well.
But the dinner.
It was like something
out of...
People would pay money
to see that on stage.
Mm-hmm.
Is that what
all gay people are like?
Pretty much.
Wow.
Oh, God.
There's something you
want to tell me, isn't there?
Something you've never been
able to tell anyone before?
Like what?
You're gay, aren't you?
What?
It had to happen
to me one day.
"Fag-hag finds Mr. Right,
only for him
to turn out gay."
I'm not gay.
Yes, you are.
You haven't admitted it
to yourself, but...
I promise you,
I am not gay.
Well, you would say that,
wouldn't you?
Yeah, and I'd also say it
if it was true.
You'd better not be.
So...
I'm Mr. Right, am I?
Mr. Right Now, maybe.
Ooh!
I'll give you gay!
Come here!
Morning!
I'm feeling very positive.
I've been thinking,
maybe Harry didn't--
Who?
Lars was mad enough
to have made it up.
Oh, puh-lease.
He'd been acting guiltily
ever since he got back.
Anyway, why wouldn't he?
What have I got to offer?
You've got plenty.
Morning!
Oh, thanks again
for letting me stop.
This is a test.
Until now, I've been
too focused on relationships.
From now on, I'm going
to concentrate on my acting,
put negative thoughts
behind me, and move forward.
Oh, I put--
The cereal is over there.
Oh. All-grain pyramid.
Excellent.
Where did you get that from
at 4 in the morning?
I found it
in one of the cupboards.
Well, it's not mine.
It must have been left there
by one of my exes.
(chuckles softly)
One thing you
should know
About me
Sometimes my life
goes all the way down
So deeply
that I cannot see
The one thing to save me
One thing you should
know about me
Sometimes the night
blows all the way through me
And it puts out
the light inside me
Might make nothing of me
And I
I
I can't wake up...
Where have you been?
Fucking.
I never know
when you're serious.
I'm going to bed.
Just tell me the truth.
What happened between
you and Harry?
What do you think?
I think that maybe
Harry suggested
that they might take you
on the show permanently.
I'm not saying you did
a sort of casting couch,
but perhaps one thing
led to another,
and you both
regretted it afterwards.
Is that what happened?
Yeah. You're so clever.
I'm going to bed.
I'm here all alone
It might get
the better of me
I didn't know you smoked.
Special occasion.
Wake up
With you not beside me
(cell phone rings)
Just leave me alone.
I don't believe you.
There's nothing you can say that's
going to make any difference,
so why don't you
just stop this?
All you're doing
is upsetting me,
so if that's what
you want to do,
then you're doing
a good job.
Shame. I liked him.
Mmm. Me too.
No, I meant Lars.
Thanks.
Well, he was a bit
of all right, wasn't he?
Are you sure there wasn't
any scratching on bedroom doors
after we'd all gone to bed?
I stand no
fucking chance, do I?
You're in the fucking hotel,
and you don't believe me.
(both chuckling)
You know, I'd forgotten
how provincial this place was.
in Stafford Street
to get a takeaway mocha.
Big mistake.
The dozy cow serving me
looked like she'd only ever read
about them in celebrity magazines.
"Are you from London?"
Oh, it's the poof.
It's the missing link.
Stop it, you two.
Oi, oi, oi!
Boots off my furniture!
How long's he here for?
As long as I like.
Tell him he can't
go out till it's dark.
I've got a reputation.
Leave him alone.
He's had an upset.
Broken a nail?
If you must know,
I've got
a married woman pregnant,
and the husband's
after me.
God, you're thick!
It's so beautiful.
He was a real genius.
Oh, very much, sir.
And he painted
the Mona Lisa.
Well done.
You're right. He did.
The most famous
painting in the world,
and it was done
by a gay man.
That would make such
a statement in the hallway.
If we can agree
on the price.
Can I have a word?
I am rather busy
at the moment.
Can't wait.
Would you excuse me?
Lars has told me
what happened...
Has he?
...And I've forgiven him.
Have you fucking really?
He is a very
good-looking man,
and I know how tempting
it must have been,
but he's very vulnerable
at the moment.
Oh, Tom, grow up!
You're pathetic!
Just tell that maniac to call Alex
and tell him the truth.
I can't do that, Harry.
If you want to pay hookers
and pretend it's love,
that's up to you, but it's a different
ballgame when it affects me!
Sorry to interrupt,
but I had to tell Tom,
they've just unearthed
documents in Florence.
Leonardo wasn't gay.
Said it was
a publicity stunt.
Sorry, no chips.
How will you survive?
What's that?
Oh, it's an olive.
It's from foreign.
It looks lovely, Alex.
You always were
a very good cook.
So, nothing happened
with that job on Londoners?
It was such
a blessing in disguise.
How long you gonna
give it, Alex?
Tell him not to start, Mum.
I'm just saying
you can't go on forever.
Listen, I know
that I'm going to make it.
There's no doubt
in my mind about that.
I didn't expect you
to understand.
I always knew
that I was different.
You can say that again.
If you think about it,
what is the main difference
between those that make it
and those that don't?
Don't know. I'm sure
you're going to tell us.
It's talent, for a start.
Perseverance.
Never giving up
when the going gets tough,
never taking no
for an answer.
That's the spirit...
that's going
to keep this country great.
I'm not saying
that you can't try,
but maybe you should think
about getting a trade as well.
You can try and be famous
on your days off.
This is pointless, isn't it?
Mum, you can tell me now.
I'm old enough to take it.
I was adopted, right?
Listen, if you're happy
living this small-town,
small expectations existence,
that's fine with me.
If you're happy that the most exciting
thing you've got to look forward to
is the Whitby shop,
then who's stopping you?
But I want more.
But don't you think you might be
confusing being a homosexual with--
A "homosexual"?
(chuckles)
It's the right word, isn't it?
Yes, if this was 1948.
All right.
Do you think you're
confusing being gay
with wanting to be famous?
You felt different,
and you're confusing the 2.
It's not about being famous.
It's about having
something in you that--
Oh, what's the point?
Don't know what the big deal
is about being gay.
Why does it have to
make gay people
want to be actors
and hairdressers
and fashion designers?
Why can't you have
a normal job?
Why can't you be a gay
bus driver, like me?
(laughs)
I don't think you meant that
the way it sounded, Dad.
I'm only using "bus driver"
as an example.
You could be a butcher,
or work in a factory.
Hello, I'm Alex.
I don't think we've ever met.
(cell phone rings)
Hang on.
That's your agent.
Got the lead
in that snuff movie.
What movie?
Nothing, Mother.
Is that him again?
Come on,
he was all right...
For a poof.
I don't know what you're
making such a palaver about.
And what part of the palaver
am I making too much of?
You'd have thought poofs would
have figured it out, wouldn't you?
No, I mean, men...
Should understand
the way other men think.
It's not like women, where
they're a different species.
Men want to
sleep around, Alex.
It's in the genes.
It's instinct.
Now, you can't explain
that to a woman,
but you'd have thought
a man would have got it.
Just a bodily function, mate.
Ain't anything.
Oh, so that's why Sandra
finished with you, then.
Hmmm
Picture this
and sail away
On a cloud
that's going your way
Make a wish
and watch it all
(chuckles softly)
Go the way
it's going to
Call it all impossible
Breaking all the rules with
Love
Love
Will you bloody hurry up?
And simplify
The things
that made your teeth grind
Put the bliss
on overdrive
Till there ain't
nothing left inside
Keep your head down.
Calling all unusuals
Waking up the neighbors
Suppose getting a flat
will be difficult,
with the deposit
and everything.
I'll survive.
Here.
Take this.
Buy us a yacht
when you get famous.
Take it.
Get yourself
a new dress or something.
Pig.
(male vocalists whistling)
(male vocalists
continue whistling)
There's a good boy.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
You're daddy's
little boy, aren't you?
Who needs a boyfriend?
You're not going to go after
some thick gym queen, are you?
No! No, you're not!
What are you...?
Ugh!
(arcade games beeping)
To new beginnings.
Ooh. I got your
moving-in present.
Probably the first of many
that'll end their lives here.
A candle?
Don't give me that.
I'm not fucking gay!
It's a joke!
It's a lovely thought.
Ugh! He's still
eating his droppings!
Apparently it's normal.
Gross, but normal.
Although he does seem
to do it rather a lot.
Have you got a name
for it yet?
I was thinking of Mushroom,
'cause he's only small,
and he doesn't take up
much room.
Don't give up your day job.
Talking of day jobs,
I've got some news.
I was called
into work early by Fizz,
and she tells me that she's moving
with her husband to New York.
I thought, well,
there goes my job.
But she wanted to know if I was interested
in buying the business from her.
Well, of course, I said
it was a lovely idea,
but there's no way I could
raise that kind of money.
She's virtually
giving it to me.
Stock, equipment, everything.
All I've got to do
is pay for the van,
and she said I could do that
whenever I had the money.
I've already thought of no end of
improvements I can make with the menu.
I phoned the bank,
and in theory they're going to
give me the working capital,
but I don't need much.
London's burning
And who can blame it
Impersonating
Love
Love
Picture this
It's possible
And... Action.
What do you think
of this, William?
Ah, yeah.
Now, this is really nice.
Really nice.
Looks like
the Omega Workshop,
and if we're really lucky,
it could be by the man himself,
Mr. Roger Fry.
This could do well.
Depends on the price.
It was 30 quid.
There was another
similar one
in another store for 55,
so I think this one's
fucking cheap.
Twat!
You're really showing us up!
Why'd you do it?
It just come out.
I don't know.
How can it
just come out?
Tell me again,
why am I doing this?
(telephone rings)
(champagne cork pops)
It was fate.
We were doing
a small corporate lunch,
a couple of dozen people,
at one of your banks
in the city.
Anyway, I got talking
to this chap Douglas.
He was very interested when
I told him that I was an actor.
It turns out that he's
a closet writer/director,
and he's got this project that
he's been working on for years.
He told me all about it,
and could see
that I was fascinated.
Well, where did you put it?
You keep saying.
I don't know.
You really are going to have to start getting
your stuff ready the night before, okay?
And to cut
a long story short,
we're putting on a play.
It's only a one-man thing,
but it's being done properly,
all financed by Douglas,
who's obviously got a bob or 2.
It's about an economist
called Thomas Malthus,
and it's all about this influential theory
that he wrote.
"On the Principles
of Population -
1798, revised 1803."
Basically saying that--
Well, it's a bit complicated,
but he said that
the poor die off
when there's not much
work about,
which apparently
is a good thing,
or something like that.
Found it!
Come on.
We're going to be late.
Why are you reading the paper
when I'm trying to talk to you?
Well, it's Heath.
Hey, he's single.
And he's gorgeous.
Hello, mate.
Heath, William.
William. Are you the car boot
flogger in the attic?
I take it
you're unemployed.
I work from home,
but I stretch my lunch breaks.
You'd be flattered
if I believed you.
I never really believed that
you're a proper antique dealer.
You don't wear the dickey bow.
I know. I hate them.
There's no possible excuse for wearing one,
unless you're a gynecologist.
That's an old
antique dealers' joke.
From an old antique dealer.
Want to join us?
I would love--
Shit!
Shit, shit, shit!
What?
Stay cool.
Have to give him
the satisfaction, I guess.
I'm--
Yeah. Take care.
Well, you completely
blew that.
As you can see,
I'm completely over him.
Goes without saying.
Where's your stuff gone?
You remember that double-glazing
millionaire I was on about?
Well, he just upped his offer.
I did leave you a note...
I think.
(dial tone)
I am attacked on all sides
by those reprobates
and malcontents
who would undermine the
very fabric of this society.
Is it not an obvious fact
that if the poor cannot produce,
they must starve?
Is it not verily a law of nature
that if they can't--
Law of nature that the weak
must cease from breeding?
Filthy, unwanted mouths.
What are you doing?
Working.
And you should be in bed.
Just 5 minutes.
I could help.
All right, then.
5 minutes.
And if you want to help,
sit here. Have a look at this.
What do you make of these 2?
It's the same lady,
only in this one,
she's got her back to us.
They're wearing
the same hat.
All the dangly bits match,
just the other way round.
And look.
It's even made
of the same straw stuff.
It is her, isn't it?
I am right.
I think you might be.
(knock on door)
Lars only admitted it to Tony
out of spite, you know?
Just a parting shot before
he sailed off into the sunset
with his
double-glazing millionaire.
I always expected something
like this would happen.
What? You expected me
to go off with someone else?
No, not that.
But I suppose I didn't know
what you ever saw in me, anyway.
I always thought you'd
wake up to the fact
that I wasn't the person
I thought I was.
I always knew
who you were.
Did you?
Always.
And I always loved
who you are.
Least now I know
how Mrs. Gladstone felt.
I can't do this, Harry.
Not now. Not yet.
Putting this play on
is a big opportunity for me,
and I just can't be
distracted like this.
Well, yeah. I'm shooting in
Glasgow for the next 2 weeks.
I'm definitely going to try
and make it down for you.
Harry, I don't
want you to come.
It's not because I don't want
you there, but because...
Just give me
a bit of space, okay?
(vocalists vocalizing)
Unh!
Oh, God.
It's broken!
No, it's not, darling.
Serves him right.
Georgie, stop it now.
Say you're sorry.
Come on.
No.
There's no real
harm done.
All I did was call her dad
a "bender," and she hit me.
Barnaby!
I don't know where you children
pick up language like that.
But it's true.
They said it at school.
Well, no, he's not.
And don't use that word.
Now, say you're sorry.
Well, technically,
although I wouldn't quite put it like that,
he's telling you the truth.
See?
Wishing for
The simple life
She's very protective
of you, isn't she?
Can't imagine Barnaby taking up
arms in defense of my honor.
She means well,
but she goes too far.
How long's it been?
2 years in August.
But we divorced
2 years before that.
Oh.
They're more resilient
than you'd think.
Maybe.
But you can never really know what's
going on under the surface, can you?
Mmm.
I don't mean to pry, but...
What does she think
about you being gay?
She doesn't mind.
It's just a fact.
Touch wood.
Maybe I've got that
all to come.
I think what bothers her is the thought
of someone coming between us.
She's very jealous.
That's understandable,
given the circumstances.
But, as I said,
as long as you're sensible,
they really are more resilient
than you'd imagine.
It's good to be
(vocalists vocalizing)
(audience applauds)
It appears that Douglas
is the founder of a radical economic
pressure group
called the Neo-Malthusians,
who argue that
the modern liberal world
interferes with natural
checks to population control,
like war, famine,
and disease.
Basically, we're--
They--
are calling for
the compulsory sterilization
of the long-term unemployed.
It just doesn't say any of this in the script,
so how was I to know?
I wish Mum and Dad
hadn't been there.
But it wasn't all bad.
There were trips to see it,
organized by the Adam Smith
something-or-other.
They seemed to like it.
By the end of the run,
thanks to the pickets
from the Anti-Nazi league,
we were playing
to almost-empty houses.
Hey.
Oh, Harry.
I'm just fooling myself
about everything, aren't i?
No, you're not.
Fancy a fuck?
I've got your car keys
You've got
my tee-shirt on
I've got an old tape
With our favorite songs
We got what it takes
To make us
love each other
I'm on the upside
Where the sunshine falls
You're on cloud 9
Where wishes find stars
We've got
(cell phone beeps)
What it takes
(beeping)
To keep each other warm
We're gonna give some
Take some
There's always
a wrong side
There's a right side
And we're still
on the same side
Want to set up now?
Oh, yes, if you'd like,
or I can send you
an invoice, if you prefer?
We'll do it now, shall we?
Sure.
It was very good,
by the way.
Everybody said so.
Has the company
changed hands recently?
Oh, yes. I took it over
a couple of months ago.
It's improved.
Expect a call
from Bradley King.
Old Bradley was scoffing
those salmon things.
Asked for the name of the
caterer between mouthfuls.
Great.
(woman speaking
dramatically in French)
No! Mushroom!
(water running)
When are you going
to move back properly?
Soon.
Just seems a bit of a waste
keeping that place on,
and... you're always here.
I suppose it is.
I'll tell you what.
I'll cook you dinner
Saturday evening,
and you can help me
move out Sunday morning.
How's that?
Ooh!
That sounds grand!
(chuckling)
Hey.
How are you?
And here was I, thinking
we'd burned all our bridges.
And there's been a lot of
water under the bridge as well.
What's gonna happen
to Mushroom?
I'm gonna kill him.
I've got to find him
a new home.
Harry's got an allergy.
Do you want him?
He eats his own poo.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
What do you put
on a madera cake?
Dunno.
I think Lawrence said
he likes lemon...
Oh, what a mess.
It was an accident. Yeah.
I think we've got time to start again.
How many eggs do we
have left, Georgie?
I've got some reading
to do for school.
Wait a minute.
I want to talk to you.
It'll only take a minute.
Please.
Lawrence is coming here
to see you as well as me.
He wants to get to know you.
I want you to behave
properly, yes?
You can't make me like him.
No, you're right, I can't,
but there's no reason
why you wouldn't like him.
Oh, Georgie, there's never going to be
anyone more important to me than you.
No one. Ever.
And no one's going
to come between us, okay?
Hey,
if I had to choose between you and Lawrence
or anyone in the world,
I would always choose you.
You know that, don't you?
Doesn't mean
I can't have friends, though.
You have friends.
Does it?
You're a big girl now, Georgie,
and I want you
to understand that adults,
they get lonely.
What am I trying to say?
I like Lawrence a lot.
And it would mean so much to me
if you would at least try to like him.
If you try and you don't,
that's fine,
but I just want you
to try, eh?
What do you say?
Can I go read now?
Yeah.
Mmm!
Are you, uh...
Are you going to bring these?
I take it by your tone you don't like them.
I didn't say that.
Well, I'm keeping them. They're a
moving-in present from Lisa at work.
You all right?
I'm fine.
I'm cooking.
I always get like this
when I'm cooking.
(doorbell rings)
Hmm.
That can stay
where it is.
And you can
chuck that as well.
I know that by heart.
Regardless of
the play's content,
the acting was amateur.
The stem of the word
"amateur" is amore, "love."
An amateur is someone whose only
motivation for doing something
is the love of it, so you mustn't be
ashamed to be called an amateur.
Do you want me to hit you?
No.
Why are you always so...?
It was a disaster.
There's no sugaring the pill.
When they used the word amateur,
it wasn't a compliment.
I know, I just--
You just what?
Think I'm dizzy?
Think I need protecting?
Sometimes it's like sinking in
warm quicksand, being with you.
You make it feel all so comfortable,
but it drags me down.
I'm sorry.
But I'm not a child, Harry.
That's a pretty hairclip.
I don't like it.
Oh.
Do you like school?
No.
You do.
You do. You're doing
a project on Tudors.
Why don't you tell Lawrence
all about them.
It's boring.
You said it was interesting,
and you told me
all about it yesterday.
Why don't you tell Lawrence
about them, then?
All right, I will.
The Tudor Dynasty started
when Henry VII
defeated Richard III
at the Battle of Bosworth Field.
This is the Battle
where Richard says,
"A horse, a horse,
my kingdom for a horse."
This was the end of
the Wars of the Roses.
This is where
the House of Lancaster
and the House of Cornwall...
What?
What?
... Fought to be
Kings of England.
Now, when the Wars
of the Roses ended,
that was also the end
of the Hundred Years' War.
Why weren't you angry?
Hmm?
When I believed Lars
and not you.
I mean, if the roles had been reversed,
I'd have been furious that
you hadn't trusted my word over that...
Where is this going?
Do you think I really did
sleep with him?
No.
Good.
I did find him attractive,
and I suppose I was responsible
for the way he reacted
'cause I led him on.
But... when it
came down to it,
I couldn't risk
what I had with you.
You didn't seem to have
any faith in me.
When King Henry VIII
was dying,
he smelled so rotten
because of all the pus
from the disease that people were
actually sick if they went near him.
And when he died,
he was succeeded by his son Edward,
but it didn't last very long.
In fact, it was rather boring.
And he was succeeded
by Mary, Queen of Scots.
You're wrong!
It wasn't Mary,
Queen of Scots.
She came later.
It was Bloody Mary.
And she had all the people
who didn't like her religion
tortured by being burned
and having their
stomachs pulled out
by rusty iron hooks.
That's not true.
Is.
Is it?
Yeah.
It's disgusting.
Mm-hmm.
Harry, I don't
want to leave here.
I'm sorry, but I don't
want us to go out anymore.
You see, until now, I've never
really had any control over my life.
I've always lived with people
who took all the responsibility,
whether it was my family
or flatmates or lovers.
For the first time,
I feel like I've got some power.
You know,
I chose this place.
I furnished and decorated it.
If I don't post the money
off to the electricity people,
the lights go out.
And the business,
it's hard work, but...
I love it,
and it's something
I'm good at.
I make mistakes,
but I learn from them.
I'd always been looking
for someone like you,
a Mr. Right to come along,
look after me,
and I found him.
I am going to miss
that safety and security
I feel when I'm with him.
I love you.
Oh, I love you, too.
This is possibly the worst,
most difficult decision
I'm going to make in my life,
but... I have to let him go.
So, this is it?
It's his drawing style,
and the paper's right.
This is Mary Cassatt.
She was an American artist living in Paris.
That's where she met Degas.
He drew her many times
over the years,
but this one is from 1879.
It's a study for a mural
that was never completed,
and it was exhibited at the
Fourth Impressionist Exhibition, so...
If I'm right,
mine's a fragment of a picture
produced for the same project.
I mean, it's rough.
The hat's superimposed on the
hat as almost an afterthought,
but Degas did that
with his working drawings.
It's probably cut away
from the larger sheet
as a memento for someone,
that sort of thing.
I may be wrong,
but my instincts are good.
All I know is that it's...
It's beautiful.
It's worth making the effort.
I mean, it's worth
taking the risk of being wrong.
It may not work out,
but I have to try.
There's a double meaning
in that.
I'll never get over you,
you know?
You made me feel safe.
And wanted.
And happy.
Those are no small things.
But I need to grow up now.
So do you.
Anyway, I couldn't find anyone
to take care of Mushroom.
It was either you or him.
Who else was going to stop him
from eating his own crap?
Tenderness
All you need
Gentleness
Is what you give to me
When I...
What about the
Victorian fire tongs?
Are they going to set
the auction ablaze?
What about the lovely
old gramophone?
You say it's love
I say it ain't
Here you go.
Have a safe flight.
Thank you. Cheers.
No, 'cause, look,
there's 2 Janes.
One Jane.
Is there one Jane?
No, 'cause it's divorced,
beheaded, divorced, survived.
No, not beheaded,
but divorced, beheaded--
Beheaded!
(laughing)
2 outsiders
Fucking hell!
I heard you were off.
God, how boring,
sitting around campfires
with doped-up
middle class weirdos
who think hugging
changes shit.
You're just running away.
I think you should leave.
You really got under my skin,
and I have absolutely
no idea why.
I mean, you're nothing
to look at, are you?
So, in other words, your
double-glazing millionaire's left you?
He never existed.
I made him up to make
things worse for Tom.
Evil, aren't i?
I just couldn't stand
being with that twat any longer.
Well, if you've come here
looking for a credit card and a bed...
I don't want your money.
I'm a personal trainer now.
I'll give you a discount,
if you like.
You could do with
shifting a few pounds.
Oh, thanks very much.
And you needn't thank me for telling
him nothing happened between us.
I wasn't planning to.
I knew he'd come
straight to you.
I even surprised
myself with that one.
You've ruined me.
I don't want
to be like that again.
And you need someone like me.
Someone...
Someone who frightens you.
(dance music playing)
Oh, sorry.
No, you're all right.
Here we go.
Can I get you another one?
No, you're all right, mate.
Hi, Marcel.
Hey, Alex.
Sorry about your friend.
It's a good job he's a mate of yours.
I'd have kicked his ass!
Yeah, right!
He's a bit of a wipe.
He keeps looking over.
Go on. Go over.
Know you want to.
Maybe it's too soon.
You're right.
That doesn't even convince me.
Do you want a drink?
One thing you
should know about me
Sometimes my life
Goes all the way down
So deeply
that I cannot see
The one thing to save me
I'm feeling like
I did before I knew you
I'm waiting
like I don't have time
I've given all I can
And go right to you
And you say you're fine
I can know you're never
gonna get out
And it's better not to lie
Now you're living
like a lookout
Always running
from your life
What did anyone say to you
And me
This world
Careful as it is
I'm a little late
I'm a little late
(new song begins)
I've got your car keys
You've got
my tee-shirt on
I've got an old tape
With our favorite songs
We got
What it takes
To make us
love each other
I'm on the upside
Where the sunshine falls
You're on cloud 9
Where wishes find stars
We got
What it takes
To keep each other warm
We're gonna give some
And take some
There's always
a wrong side
There's a right side
And we're still on
the same side