Mr. Roosevelt (2017) Movie Script
1
The first time I made someone
laugh I was in the first grade.
It was a play,
and it was about a farm.
And I was a cow.
Every kid in the play
had one line.
We would march up
to the microphone,
and say our line
and then that was it.
I was such a little try-hard.
I practiced my line over
and over again.
So I could get it right and
everyone would love me.
And by the time it was my turn,
I was so ready.
I just marched right up
to the microphone
and I said my line
really loud and confidently.
What should we do?
[Sound of audience laughing]
They just started laughing.
That was not the reaction
I was expecting.
I thought I had blown my shot,
I thought I had blown
my one line.
I was washed up at age 7,
And I went backstage and
I was beating myself up.
Like, "Emily, you suck...
"Can't you go one day
without fucking something up?"
When my mom came backstage
to congratulate me,
I was just so upset.
I asked her,
"Why were they laughing at me?
"Did I do something wrong?"
And she just smiled
and she said,
"They weren't laughing at you
because you did something wrong.
"They were laughing at you
because you're funny."
It was like a light switch
went off in my brain
and I thought,
"Hey, if I can make people
laugh on accident,
"maybe I could do it on purpose.
"And I've been trying to do it
on purpose ever since."
So, do you have some stuff
prepared for us?
Yes, I have some characters
and some impressions.
Great. You have one minute.
Wait, excuse me,
I thought that we...
I was told I had three minutes.
You did,
but your story took so long.
There's a lot of people waiting.
Right, okay...
Sure...
This first impression is
Holly Hunter at a garage sale.
Hi, excuse me, miss. How much is
this stainless steel serving saucer?
What? It's not for sale?
I don't understand.
This is a garage sale,
is it not?
You listen here, I have 79 cents
and I intend to spend it.
Now tell me,
how much is this children's book
"Sally Sells Seashells
by the Sea Shore"?
A dollar? Shoot. What about
this Scissor Sisters CD?
This is a little boy
trying to be macho in a mirror.
We're divorced.
OK...
This is the girl
who's always cold.
I'm cold.
[Moaning sound]
Brrrrrr...
No, I don't want your jacket.
This is Kristen Wig
discovering a murder scene.
Oh my God, he's dead.
Somebody killed him.
Help, quick. Call 911.
This is a pug
turning into a baby.
[Sound of pug breathing]
[Sound of baby crying]
This an impression
of a Vine video
of a girl at a Beyonc concert.
Oh my God, Beyonc!
[Sound of tripping, then crying]
Oh my God, Beyonc!
[Sound of tripping, then crying]
Oh my God, Beyonce!
[Sound of tripping, crying]
Okay.
[Sound of tripping]
[Theme comes up]
[Theme fades out]
[City street sounds]
[Emily coughing]
[Sound of car door
opening and closing]
Hey, guys.
Hey, Emily.
Where the hell
have you been, Emily?
It's two
in the goddamn afternoon.
I had an audition this morning
which I told you about yesterday.
This is a team, Emily.
You want to be
a part of it or not?
It's editing.
You don't do it as a team,
you do it alone.
But we're doing it together.
Okay, I'm sorry.
It ran long and traffic was...
Just show me what you've got.
As Pharmtech pharmaceutical
reps,
we're here to connect patients
with life-altering prescriptions
they didn't even know they
needed.
So talk to your doctor
about talking to their patients
about the benefits of Hupertan
Rx.
Because no one
should feel sleepy.
Fine, export this cut,
and get it to Brinson
by the end of day for approval.
Jesus.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Have a seat.
Why?
I got your chart back and...
You don't got a butt.
[Audience laughing]
I just don't understand.
What do you mean, Mr. But Butts?
Hey...
It's Dr. Butt Butts to you!
[Audience explodes
into more laughter]
Thanks so much,
that's our show!
[Audience clapping and cheering]
That was perfect...
Hey guys! Great job tonight,
that was so good!
You wanna go in?.
That improv was so good
for being drunk.
I know. I know.
- And like you had...?
- I was drunk.
I haven't seen you
around the theatre.
Are you new in town?
No, I've been around
pretty much constantly.
I moved from Austin
about two years ago.
Dude, I love Austin.
South By Southwest!
Yeah.
Austin, it's pretty great, but
they call it "The Velvet Rut,"
because it's so laid back that
people there lose their ambition.
Velvet Rut, that's a good name
for something.
That's funny.
Did you guys know that Emily's got
over 20 million views on YouTube?
Oh, my God.
She's like a celebrity.
It's exclusively
from perverts,
mostly in the Ukraine.
Oh my God.
It's just this one video
that got out of control.
What's the vid?
Honestly,
it's too stupid to talk about.
Wow, you have
really low self-esteem.
[Emily laughing]
[Colleague mimicking her laugh]
Lucas, you teach a 401, right?
Are you going to take it
for the eighth time?
I'm taking it
for the eighth time.
I'm already enrolled.
You want me to get you
another round of something?
Yeah, sure, that'd be great.
And maybe later, I can
take you home and fuck you?
[Theme comes up]
[Sound of falling shoes]
[Theme music gets softer]
Emily...
[Sighs]
Hey, is this funny?
Is this funny?
What?
Where there's smoke,
there's me smoking weed?
- Sure...
- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.
- That's funny.
Uh-huh.
[More sighs]
Woah!
What are you doing?
I'm just gonna tweet it out.
- Dude, I'm...
- I know.
See, I didn't want
to mess up the joke.
I'm putting it away.
Hey, Emily, I'm okay...
We're okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we're okay.
[Mobile buzzing]
What? Seriously?
No, that's not my phone.
Oh, fuck. Give me a minute.
[Message tone]
Oh, shit.
It's my ex, I'm sorry.
We haven't talked for a while.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I'm sorry
I didn't answer earlier
I was swamped all day,
is everything okay?
Oh my God.
Oh...
Oh my God, oh my God.
Ahhh...
How long does he have?
Oh, no!
Oh my God.
[Theme music comes up]
[Announcements on
PA system in airport]
- Hi, let me help you here.
- No. I got it.
I've got plenty
of room back here,
- Come on, it's no problem.
- I want to hold on to my bag.
- You sure?
- Yes.
Okay, go ahead
and get in the car.
Right there.
My name is Ida.
(Singing)
Ida, Sweet as apple cider...
Welcome to Austin!
[Theme music comes up softly]
I hope you enjoy the trip.
Is it business or pleasure?
Neither.
I'm a pretty good driver
most of the time.
[Laughing]
I hope you give me five stars.
It would be helpful. Oops!
[Car hits pothole]
Oops.
[Theme music comes up softly]
[Theme music fades out]
- Hi.
- How can I help you?
I'm here to see a patient,
Mr. Roosevelt.
And you are...?
I'm his...
He's my cat.
I'll let the vet
know you're here.
[Sound of pens falling on floor]
Have a seat.
Hey.
You look great.
Thank you.
You look...
very thin.
So what happened?
He hasn't been eating
for a week.
Why didn't you call me earlier?
I didn't want to bother you.
The vet says that...
it's kidney failure.
Hello.
Hello.
This is Celeste.
My girlfriend.
Your girlfriend?
I didn't know you had a...
It's so nice to meet you.
I'm Emily.
You've probably heard
a lot about me.
Not much, actually.
Well...
Thank you for being here.
I know that he was my cat,
but Mr. Roosevelt
meant a lot to Eric.
Yeah.
Yeah, he means a lot to me too.
Celeste and I live together.
In our...?
In my house.
That's so nice.
[Sound of sliding door]
So we put him on fluids,
and he perked up quite a bit.
And then he took a turn
for the worst.
Worse.
Worst.
Which is it, turn for the worse?
I never know.
Turn for the worse...
Right.
Anyway...
I'm sorry.
He passed away.
[Sound of Celeste crying]
Who'll be handling
the medical paperwork?
The cremation process can take
24 to 48 hours,
depending on the backlog.
Can I see him...?
Before?
Of course.
Have you decided on an urn?
I'll take the second cheapest.
[Sound of door opening]
Oh...
Um...
I guess I'll call you
when he's done.
And we can have a service
to pay our respects and...
Thank you for taking care of him
while I was away.
And...
Sweetie...
Shhh.
It's gonna be okay.
Well, I'll see you later.
Where are you staying?
[Theme music comes up softly]
[Theme music fades out,
clock gong sounds]
Who wants some tea?
Eric, Oolong?
Yeah, sure.
The house looks amazing.
Celeste...
You guys put in wood floors?
Actually we had
a contractor come in
and rip out the carpet and...
Apparently these were original
to the house.
I always hated the carpet.
So this is the bathroom,
which you knew,
- but now has extra towels.
- Fancy.
And the guest room.
Oh! Where's
all your band stuff?
Your guitars and your amps?
Out in the shed.
- You practice in the shed?
- No, it's temporary storage.
You know until
I figure out where to put it.
[Clock gongs again]
Why didn't you tell me
about Celeste?
Em, we haven't spoken
since you broke up with me
over the phone.
Are you okay?
Oh my God, are you kidding me?
Of course I'm okay.
I'm really happy for you.
We gotta move on.
We've all moved on.
I was talking
about Mr. Rosevelt.
Oh...
Yeah, I'll be okay.
I don't really know what I'm
going to do financially.
Or how I'm gonna get back to LA.
Flights are crazy expensive.
This is good, right?
This is...
This is closure.
[Knocking]
Tea time.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
No, in fact I was
just on my way out.
Catch up as much as you need to.
You should drink that
while it's hot.
Yes.
That's usually how tea works.
Well, let me know
if you need anything.
Okey dokey!
Okey dokey...
Eric, wait.
Ummm...
What's the WiFi password?
Still the same.
Cool.
[Theme music comes up]
...He felt her curves
round his neck
like a yoke he knows
he'll never forget
The way she cut through his bed
Like a snake would bite
through a cave of flesh
But he holds her
though she's broken
He swears he don't care
where she's been
He's tired of being human
He wears her close
to the bone...
[Computer snapping shut,
theme music stops abruptly]
[Growling]
KLONOPIN, take one tablet
by mouth twice a day
[Knocking]
Emily?
You okay?
Yeah, I'm good, I'm good.
I'm just urinating.
Eric and I have reservations
at Justine's tonight.
And I'm sure you have other
plans, but if you're not busy,
then we'd love for you
to join us and our friends.
No, I don't have plans,
but I'm sure I can figure
something else out.
Really?
I know Eric wants you to come.
He does?
Yes.
Emily,
you don't have to be alone.
That's a spiffy shirt.
Thanks.
It's a...
breathable cotton.
So...
Everybody ready?
Aye aye, captain.
Do you want to change
before we leave?
Oh, I'm so sorry...
When I took
an emergency flight to Austin,
I didn't exactly think
to pack formal wear.
That makes perfect sense.
I'm sure
I have something you can wear.
Great.
[Romantic tune comes up]
Why me,
Why did you pick
on my heart to break?
Why did you have to fool me?
So I would to propose a toast,
to the memory of Mr. Roosevelt.
Oh, Jess.
[Sound of clinking glasses]
I don't know if you guys notice
anything different about me.
I've been meditating.
Yep, using an app
called Mind Time.
Thank you.
It's awesome.
He is so calm, so peaceful.
- Present.
- He's got this glow...
I'm finally here.
I can see it.
- Free app?
- Yeah, free.
I'll send it to you guys.
I get referrals...
- Very cool.
- It's awesome.
It's like, I don't know,
life-changing.
So, Eric, how's your band doing?
I saw you guys got a write-up
in the Chronicle last year.
Eric's taking a break from
right now.
He's getting
his real estate license.
- I love houses.
- I know you do.
Whoa, you're going to become
a real estate agent?
Yeah, they say if you sell one,
you can be set for a year.
I get that. We all do things
we don't want to do for a while,
so we can do the things that
we really want to do.
That's why
I audition for commercials.
It's more of a long-term thing.
You know, music is great,
and he's so good at it, but
you can only do this band thing
for so long
before you have to start thinking
about your future, right?
Right.
So. Emily, you're an actress?
No. I'm actually more
of a comedian.
Which basically means
I'm a less attractive
version of an actress.
Oh...
Why would you say that?
You're so beautiful.
So cute.
I'm joking.
Yeah, but even if you're joking,
it's not healthy
to talk about yourself that way.
So, Emily, you do stand-up?
No, I don't do stand up comedy.
It's hard to explain what I
do...
It's stupid.
It's pretty dumb.
Emily is so funny.
You have over 50,000
YouTube subscribers, right?
Wow!
Really? Wow!
You can really do something
with that.
I was just reading this article
about a girl who was doing
make-up tutorials online,
and she accidentally
got make-up in her eye,
and she had this major
freak-out.
It was so real and so funny.
So the video goes viral,
and then she goes
on the "Today" show,
and based on its success,
she was able to launch her own
beauty tutorial channel,
and she just came out
with this big make-up line.
Have you ever thought of
doing something like that?
No, I haven't.
Why not?
Oh, what about you, Celeste?
I never found out
what you do for a living.
Celeste is an entrepreneur.
Okay.
What's that mean?
Just a fancy French word.
I worked for a social media
firm when I was 25 and...
I realized their client model
wasn't sustainable cause
it was fractured
across too many platforms,
so I quit,
and I took my savings and teamed
up with a fellow Penn grad,
and we developed coding that
integrates business's
various online presences
into one streamlined platform.
It's still in product
development right now but...
There's been a lot of interest.
Don't be humble.
And she also makes
her own greeting cards.
I sent one to my grandma.
- You did not, really?.
- Yeah.
You know they have them
in six stores?
What?
Yeah. That's our Celeste.
Wow!
It's amazing
how much bread you can eat.
They're not charging
for it, are they?
No, it's not that, it's just
I'm so gluten intolerant...
Even a bite can
throw off my diet for a week.
Yeah,
Celeste got me off bread too
and I feel so much better.
I thought I was gonna miss it,
but I don't.
Well, I for one love bread.
Call me old-fashioned, okay?
I'm jealous.
So, Emily,
I'm just a little confused.
If you don't want to be making
internet videos,
and you don't want to be
a standup comic and
you're not an actress...
What do you want to do?
Why move to Los Angeles
in the first place?
Celeste...
That's a really
good question, Celeste.
And the answer is...
I don't know.
I guess it was pretty
fucking stupid of me, huh?
Well, for a comedian,
she's awfully serious.
[Breaking dishes]
Shit!
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no, leave it.
Woah, what happened?
Ouch!
- Oh my God, are you okay?
- I'm fine. Leave me alone!
What the f, Jen!
Suck a dick, Dustin, she's hurt.
Come on, I got you.
Wait, Em...
It's okay. I got her.
Okay.
She has a hot mouth.
Hey, let me see it.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know how I'm going
to pay for all that food.
Fuck that food.
Who cares about that food?
Let me see your hand.
Hey...
Are you Emily Martin?
- Yeah?
- Dude!
Jen!
Jen Morales.
We talked for a second
at the party on the East side.
You were with Ravi.
There was that band of girls
that hits pots as instruments.
Ahhh, Manic Pixie Jihad.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Dude! Is it weird that
I feel like I know you?
People post your vids
all the time.
- They do?
- Yeah.
My mom's favorite one is
that one of you in the bathtub.
Hey, you're based out of LA?
What are you doing out here?
My cat died.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was he old?
No, he wasn't.
Oh man...
That guy up there
your boyfriend?
That's my ex-boyfriend.
Oh.
I left my cat with him.
But he wasn't my ex-boyfriend
when I did that.
He was my boyfriend,
and then I moved to Los Angeles.
And we tried long distance,
and then I broke up with him.
But don't worry about him
because he has a new girlfriend
and she's super-cool.
And she lives in our house
that's theirs,
and she ripped up the carpet,
and it looks really pretty.
And she says that
it's her cat too!
And I think that that's fair.
It's okay, it's okay.
I'm sorry, I can't breathe.
- It's okay...
- I'm sorry.
Hold that thought.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[Sound of Emily struggling
to catch her breath]
I'm sorry.
I don't want to drink.
It's okay,
just tell me what happened.
I already said it.
Say it again.
Which part?
Any of it.
Okay.
I just had all these plans
and these goals.
Right.
And I thought if I did one thing,
then I did another thing...
And this and
that was supposed to happen...
How do you feel?
I don't know.
Exactly.
What?
Just breathe.
How am I supposed to breathe?
You just threw water in my...
Oh my God!
[Sound of laughter]
You feel better?
I feel great.
Do you mind passing the butter?
Sure, here.
Thank you.
I'm sorry about your dress.
I can pay
to have it dry-cleaned.
MEOW
It's Jen. see you manana...
Emily?
Emily?
Emily?
Emily?
Did I wake you?
Yes.
I wanted to share some good
news.
Okay?
We were able to get
a flight voucher in your name
because my cousin's a manager
at Delta.
What?
I heard you were worried about
returning to Los Angeles?
You got me a plane ticket?
Un-huh.
It's just coach. We used miles.
- You didn't have to do that.
- I know.
But I wanted to.
My apologies for waking you up.
I just wanted to share the good
news before I went to work.
Have a really beautiful day,
Emily.
Eric?
Celeste?
[Sound of floorboard creaking]
[Sound of Emily jumping]
[Sound of breaking pot]
[Sound of Emily yelping]
I'm sorry! I was just
looking for the toothpaste.
It's okay!
It's alright.
Nothing you haven't seen before.
Yeah, that's very true.
Toothpaste is
in the second cabinet
to the right in the bathroom.
Thank you.
Hey, Em?
Have you had breakfast?
I'm surprised you kept the
table.
Celeste, she refinished it.
She's really, really handy.
Oh, Celeste...
Celeste really is the best, huh?
I'm glad
to hear you say that.
Because I was worried
after last night.
You were worried?
Worried about me?
How come? You know me.
New day. New Emily.
Yeah, I do. I know you.
You want me to help?
You want me to make some coffee?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Cool.
I'm sorry, I just need...
Oh yeah. No, sorry.
You're okay.
[Theme music comes up softly]
You know
I like it strong, right?
I'll make it strong.
[Soft theme music continues]
[Sound of Emily's soft laughter]
[Music comes up stronger,
sound of cat's meow]
Yeah, you know what?
We're actually off coffee now.
And I know it sounds crazy but
I have more energy.
I have to head to school.
Are you gonna be okay here
alone all day?
Yeah, I think so.
I still have a key.
Great.
And I can take that back later.
Of course.
Oh, also we moved
a ton of your stuff
in boxes out into the shed.
Maybe you want to go through it,
and take some stuff
back with you?
And your bike.
We both have bikes so...
Maybe you want to figure out
what you want to do with that.
Maybe sell it for money?
Sure, yeah. Really good idea.
Thank you.
Great.
Toodles.
Toodles.
[Front door closing]
[Theme music comes up]
[Shed door opening]
[Faster paced theme music
comes up]
[Music stops abruptly]
[Sound of Emily
struggling with bike]
Jesus, fucking Christ...
Crap.
[Piped in electronic music ]
It's Jen. See you manana?
[Knocking]
Hi, is Jen home?
Hey, Dude!
- Hey.
- What up?
Hey.
Happy you found me!
Come on in.
It's where the magic happens.
How many people live here?
- Like four to six.
- Really?
Yeah, sometimes
we AirBnB the couch.
Dude, it's so f'd that
you're staying
with your ex-boyfriend
and his new girlfriend.
I know.
What twisted mind would agree
to something like that?
So what are we dealing with?
A jealous psycho-bitch?
No, Celeste is not the type of
girl that gets jealous.
In fact,
she is super, super nice,
and put together, and everything
in her life is beautiful,
and nothing's out of place.
You know, like a
Pinterest board come to life.
Oh, so she's super-fake.
And she has him
on anti-depressants.
She literally has him drugged
up.
Are you fucking serious?
I saw them in their cabinet...
which used to be my cabinet.
It's like they've gotten rid of
every trace that I ever existed.
They put all my stuff
in the shed...
My entire life in Austin,
packed up in two boxes.
Eric said, "You have to
get these out of here."
But what am I supposed to do?
I can't take them to LA with me,
I don't have any space,
I live in a studio.
Why not keep your stuff here,
I'd be happy to hold it for you.
Really?
You barely even know me.
Nobody knows anyone.
Do you even know yourself?
I dunno, I think so.
I look in the mirror a lot.
Well, Emily Martin,
to truly know oneself,
you have to ask yourself
one thing...
And what's that?
Are you willing to be reborn?
[Emily squawks]
[Screaming, followed by
splash in waterhole]
Jen!
- Hey, ladies!
- What up?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Art!
[Hip hop music
plays in background]
Pass that pipe...
Here.
It's so nice to be back
in the Greenbelt, it feels like
it's the only thing in Austin
that hasn't really changed.
Seriously, all the tech douches
coming in, buying property,
building condos on everything.
They're tearin' it all down,
that's all they know how to do.
A normal person
can't afford anything anymore.
I had to move past 183.
I had to move back in
with my parents.
And they had to move back in
with their parents.
[Sound of laughter]
You want?
Oh no, I'm good, thank you.
Dude, that bikini top
looks sick on you.
Thanks.
[Powerful theme music comes
up]
[Powerful fades out]
She looks like
she's seen a titty ghost.
[More laughter]
I'm sorry, I...
You know it's legal here
in Austin.
It's all right.
Calm down.
I know that.
Come on, free your nipples.
- Shut up!
- Come on, dude.
Don't say that.
What? Girls say it.
Yeah, but it's liberating
when we say it.
And it's creepy as fuck
when guys say it.
Guys, man.
Take it easy, her cat just died.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
No, it's not that, I'm...
[Powerful comes up]
[Powerful ends abruptly]
Alright!
Well, I'm gonna jump in.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Ready?
Oh, no, I'm just gonna
warm up for a little bit.
Alright.
Hey...
If you take a hit of this...
You can put your top back on.
Deal.
- Look that way.
- Okay.
Let me know when your boobs
are safely quarantined.
Okay.
Thanks.
I don't normally smoke.
It makes me tired.
And I don't understand
what funny is.
What is there to understand?
[Emily chuckles]
So...
Art...
Is Art short for Arthur?
No, it's short
for Artist, actually.
Really?
My parents had
pretty high expectations.
Oh, well, my name's Emily.
My parents had
very, very low expectations.
They must be pretty hyped,
you turned out pretty creative.
What makes you say that?
You have the whole
quirky girl vibe going.
Oh, Jesus!
- What?
- That is so condescending.
It's not condescending...
Saying you're quirky
means saying you're interesting.
It's a compliment.
No, it's not because
you would never call a guy that.
With a guy you'd use
another word like "eccentric,"
but with a girl, you need a word
that recognizes her uniqueness,
but at the same time
devalues her intelligence.
Like "her delightful whimsy could
never make a cogentargument,"
highlighting
your unconscious sexism.
Well, you're not quirky,
but you're definitely
kind of a bitch.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
[Jen yelling]
- Oh no.
- Sorry.
Thank you.
[Cell phone buzzing]
Alright.
Oh shit, it's my work.
Don't answer it. Hang it up.
Hit reject.
What?
They said it would take
a few days to cremate him,
so I'll probably be here
over the weekend,
but I have my laptop, and can
do all my work from here.
Emily, let's be real.
This isjust not
a priority for you.
Wait.
What are you talking about?
Do you think I planned this?
Listen, I have all the assets, I can
just upload the cuts to Dropbox.
Yeah, sounds like you're working
really really hard over there.
Let's face it, Emily.
You're just not
a right fit with us anymore.
Okay, if this is about the auditions,
I can stop going for a few weeks.
I really need the job.
Hey Todd, my cat died!
I needed to be here for him.
Come on, Emily.
It's just a fucking cat.
"It's just a fucking cat"?
You know what?
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck Pharmtech!
And fuck the man! I quit!
[Sound of cell phone landing]
I quit!
[Bathers cheering,
Emily screaming in joy]
Wooo!
[Song begins] If you come
to find out who you are,
May you find out,
may you find out who you are.
And if you come to search
for what is lost,
Then may you find it,
may you find it at any cost.
And if you come over far,
May it not touch you
or ever do you harm.
If I were to die today,
Slaughtered in that
masquerade,
The last thing
that you'd hear me say,
Put my body on display
In the parade.
[Song ends]
Hey, is this your phone?
I found it in the bushes.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Sure.
This message is for Emily
Martin.
We're calling to let you know that Mr.
Roosevelt is ready.
Oh God... Jen?
[Theme music comes up softly]
Hey, do you want
my roommate to drive you?
No, it's okay.
- Bye!
- Bye!
[Music ends abruptly]
[Sound of bike falling]
Hello.
I'm here to pick up my cat.
Okay. What procedure
did you drop him off for?
Oh no, I'm sorry,
I'm here to pick up my dead cat.
Mr. Roosevelt?
Oh...
I'm sorry,
Mr. Roosevelt is not here.
What do you mean he's not here?
Someone already picked him up.
Wait, you just let some stranger
take my cat's ashes home?
Don't you check people's IDs
or something?
Who was it?
It was a woman...
She bought a different urn.
It should be on the invoice.
- Celeste Jones.
- Celeste Jones.
[Sound of dog growling]
[Theme music comes up
powerfully]
Eric!
Celeste!
[Theme music becomes soft]
[Noise coming from kitchen]
[Sound of conversation
and power drill]
- Lean forward, push your back up.
- I'm gonna lean you back...
[Sounds of laughter,
gentle spanking]
Oh, Emily.
Emily's home.
Why did you pick up
Mr. Roosevelt?
Pardon me?
Why did you pick up the ashes?
They called me.
Why did they call you?
Well, I called to check in
this morning.
And later today they said
they tried calling you but
couldn't get ahold of you.
And what about the urn?
Oh, yeah...
You should have seen what
they put him in.
It looked like it was
the cheapest one they had.
It was the second cheapest.
I guess that's it. We have
him back. Time to bury him.
Do you have a shovel?
Or do you want to
just put him in your compost?
What?
Celeste and I thought
it might be nice
to have some friends
come over tomorrow...
during the day
and pay their respects.
Just a small gathering
tomorrow early after breakfast.
Like a brunch?
Yes! Exactly.
A few of my friends
are bringing some dishes
and there'll be mimosas.
Oh mimosas...
But don't worry, you don't have
to bring anything. Just yourself.
And your memories.
[Sound of Emily's
disturbed laughter]
Here...
I'll keep him safe.
[Door slamming]
[Sound of cartons
falling on floor]
[Sound of dry cleaning
hitting the floor]
[Theme music comes up softly]
[Music crescendos
and stops abruptly]
Eric!
Hey, where's Celeste?
She left for book club.
Jesus, Eric! Book club?
Seriously?
- Okay, what's going on?
- Celeste!
How could you let her
do this to me?
Do what?
Em, Celeste has been
nothing but nice to you.
No, I know that's
what she's making it seem like,
but she's trying
to make me look bad.
Calm down!
What?
This is not about Celeste.
Of course it's about Celeste.
- No, it's not!
- Yes, it is!
(Singing)
No, it's not.
Don't.
Don't do this.
(Singing and clapping)
It's about us...
Come on, give it to me.
[Eric clapping]
[Singing]
Maybe you're right.
[Singing]
But what do we do?
[Singing and clapping]
I don't know
[Singing]
but can we just talk?
[Sound of Emily
laughing gently]
Do you remember
how we were gonna improvise a
whole album based on our fights?
Yeah.
[Singing and clapping]
Why didn't that happen?
[Singing and clapping]
Because you left.
No...
You should play this.
Is your guitar in the shed?
No, Em what? No.
Play it! No.
This is gonna be great.
[Sound of Emily squealing
with joy]
[Sound of back door
opening and closing]
You were saying...
[Singing]
Because I...
I'll tune it.
What are you doing?
What do you mean? I thought
we were both doing this.
I'm sorry.
Let's just get out of here.
[Music from truck]
- You have to try this one.
- Oh yeah?
Fuck!
- Oh, my God.
- It's so hot.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- It is so hot!
[Eric and Emily moaning]
Damn, damn!
Good though.
I missed tacos.
Your siblings in LA
do not compare.
What? Really?
I thought LA had
the best Mexican food.
No. That's a myth.
It's really awful.
I think it's because
LA is obsessed with burritos.
Who needs those?
Burritos are just
sleeping bags for rice.
I want the flavor.
Can I try that one?
Yeah.
It's mild.
I'm a pussy and it feels good
to say out loud.
So...
How's that going?
- You mean LA?
- Yeah.
I'm managing.
How's real estate-ing going?
It's more hypothetical than
real...
so far but...
It's good,
I'm taking courses and
I'm shadowing this guy
that Celeste knows.
It's good.
Em?
I missed you.
Dude!
Emily Martin?
Shut up!
Stacy, hi.
Sean, I literally was just talking
about Emily, my college roommate.
God, what are you doing here?
You're like famous.
She did that spaghetti bath
video I was telling you about.
It has like 10 million views.
You must have made so much
money.
Yeah... no.
I couldn't monetize it.
What the fuck? Why?
Because of
the Michael Jackson song.
Fuck! Fuck that guy.
So, what are you two doing?
- We are just eating tacos.
- Tacos.
Hey, Sean and I are going to
this house party up the street.
You guys should come.
There's gonna be beers and fun.
No, we were kind of
in the middle of something.
I'd do it.
Yeah, he's doing it.
Come on, you should go. Come on!
Please!
[Raunchy music comes up]
BRB, PBR!
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Oooh! I can't seem to lose you!
Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
- Em, how you doing?
- Jen, what are you doing here?
- I didn't mean to scare you.
No, it's okay.
It's my friend's house.
We're about to play.
Oh, cool.
- Hey, how you doing?
- Good.
- How it is going, bro?
- Good.
Alright, see you guys.
Yeah.
How do I know her?
She's the waitress I ran into
at the French restaurant.
- And just now.
- Yeah.
Again.
[Sound of electric guitar]
We're the Leeks.
[Hard drum beat comes up]
[The Leeks playing
hard rock song]
[Hard rock song ends
abruptly]
Oh my God!
You were so amazing!
Oh, thanks man.
Wait. Why didn't tell me
that you were in a band?
- Well, you never asked.
- Oh.
- You want a cigarette?
- No, I'm good.
Okay.
What the hell,
gimme a cigarette.
- Yeah, you want one too?
- You know what, I'll take one.
Yeah. Why not?
We're all doing it.
I love peer pressure.
[Disco music
comes up powerfully]
Yeah, you know,
I was just like, "Fuck guys."
And then I got on Tinder.
And then I met Sean
three days ago...
It's been fucking amazing.
[Disco music comes up]
Wait...
Do you see celebrities
all the time in LA?
Well, one New Year's Eve,
I saw Thom York buying
deodorant at a Ralph's.
Wait, what's a Ralph's?
It's a HEB, but it's like HEB.
But why is it called Ralph's?
[Disco music comes up]
Hey everybody!
Who wants to see
a really funny video
with the most famous person
from Austin Texas?
No.
My friend
Emily Martin right here.
No, please...
- Play it.
- Come on, play it!
I think
it's like "spaghetti balls"?
Uhh, "meatballs"?
Uhh... "tub girl"!
Definitely not "tub girl".
[Sound of laughter]
I can't hear anything!
Ohhhh!
[More laughter]
[Theme music comes up]
[Laughter and sighs]
Ohhhh!
[Shouting and laughter]
OOhhhh!
More sauce! More sauce!
More sauce! More sauce!
More sauce! More sauce!
More sauce! More sauce! More...!
- OOHHH!
- YEAH!
More sauce! More sauce!
More sauce!
More sauce! More sauce!
More sauce!
Dude, how did you get
so many noodles in that tub?
Did you smell like
tomatoes for weeks?
Why are you so bummed out?
People loved it.
I dunno.
It's really hard to explain.
Dude, turn that sad clown frown
upside down.
Is this all
I'm gonna be known for?
[Sound of tuning
electric guitar]
[Singing] You always act
like nothing's wrong.
You always tell me
that you're fine.
Dark clouds
are falling on your head.
Just like a sad little clown.
You got to turn
that frown upside down
My sad little clown.
You're not fooling me, baby.
I can see
a sad little clown in misery.
You're my sad little clown.
You're my sad little clown.
You're my sad little clown.
Turn your frown upside down.
[Partygoers cheering
and clapping]
[Hard rock music from band
comes up powerfully]
[Hard rock music ends]
[Cheers, cries of appreciation]
WHOA!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Whoa, whoa...
- Man overboard!
- No!
- Alright.
- I'm sorry.
I got you.
I got you.
You got me!
I'm a menace to society.
Wow, you're a fucking bad ass.
- I'm impressed.
- Yeah.
Just leave these bikes for dead.
[Emily sighing]
We shouldn't...
No.
...do anything.
- We can't do this.
- No, I know.
This is not a thing that
we should be doing.
- We should not be doing this.
- No.
It's not like...
No, we can't...
I know. It's not like
I planned on doing this.
I have a girlfriend.
Yeah.
Well, she's more like
a life coach.
Come on.
No, Eric...
You come on.
She's trying to change you.
She sweeps into your life and thinks
she knows what's best for you,
and wants to take away the
things you care about?
For what?
So you can have a "real" job?
Did you see yourself tonight?
You fucking killed it!
And you loved it!
And you know you did!
And you're willing to give
that all up for some girl?
I've tried the thing.
I've been here for 10 years.
Nothing has happened.
Okay. So fucking Austin
isn't working out for you.
Fuck Austin.
I always said
you should go on tour.
And just leave everything
and struggle and be alone.
So you're alone for a little
bit.
Sometimes you have to give up
things you care about
to get the things you want.
Yeah, and how's
that working out for you.
[Emily sighing]
Okay, Eric,
I just want to know, I just...
If you could have anything,
any career, any dream...
What would it really be? Honestly,
just ask yourself that.
Honestly, I just want a family.
[Emily sighing]
Is that the Klonopin talking?
What?
I saw the prescription drugs
in the cabinet in the bathroom.
It's fucking Celeste...
She has you drugged up so
you'll just do whatever she says
so you'll just be this perfect
little house husband.
I'm so fucking sad
for you right now.
Are you a fucking lunatic?
What?
Celeste didn't put me
on Klonopin.
She helped me get off of it.
I was on it because of you.
When you left,
I was a fucking wreck.
I loved you...
And you disappeared.
No calls.
Bye.
Do you know how much that hurt?
I didn't know I hurt you.
I didn't know that I hurt you.
You never said that.
What the fuck did you think
was gonna happen?
I don't know!
What did you think?
I don't know. I didn't know
that you needed me.
Well, I didn't need you.
Okay, I didn't...
Eric... I just... I don't know,
I didn't think it was over.
You thought I was waiting?
No, of course
I didn't think that.
I don't know, I think in some way
I thought I was doing it for you.
I'm struggling out there.
I'm a miserable person.
Can we be very clear?
You did not do that for me.
You did that for you.
Everything that you do...
is just for yourself.
Emily, let's just go home.
I don't have a home!
[Eric groaning]
[Sound of pickup truck honking]
Hey girl!
FUCK YOU!
[Sound of pickup braking hard,
then backing up]
Is that an invitation?
[Funky radio music]
[Beer can popping open]
Oh, sorry,
I don't have any cup holders.
It's okay.
Do you wanna see my gun?
- Excuse me?
- I have a gun.
Let me show you.
- Like a real gun?
- Yeah.
- Oh! Whoa...
- It's like an antique.
Okay.
It's a .45 from 1911.
It's like literally
over a hundred years old.
Yeah, that's the math there.
You want to see the bullets too?
No, I don't. I'm actually
pretty good. Thank you.
You can put it away now.
You don't want to hold it?
Just hold it.
- I'm okay. I'm fine.
- Okay, it's harmless.
It's not gonna bite you.
It's not. It's gonna shoot me.
[Nervous laughter]
You have like...
[Nervous laughter]
I was gonna say
you've got goose bumps.
Yeah.
It's cold.
Huh...
Tickles.
You're funny.
[Theme music comes up]
Say it again!
You're funny.
I'll do it...
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
Did you wear braces?
What?
Did you ever wear braces?
You have like super nice teeth.
Shhh.
[Sounds of taking off clothes,
laughter]
Okay, love.
- I got it.
- So sexy.
Oh. You okay?
It's okay. I still have a boner.
I can't get this thing off.
It's a bralette.
It's like a training bra,
but for adults.
Ah! God!
Oh...
[Passionate sighing]
Yeah, I like it...
Oh!
- Ah!
- Ah, that felt good...
That's it.
[Theme music ends on cue]
Ah, shit.
Oh, my God.
Oh...
[Sounds of people talking]
[Sounds of ongoing party]
[Guests abruptly go silent]
Hi.
What's the occasion?
Do you wanna get
some breakfast or something?
No.
You stepped on my shoe, Dude.
Go.
We can get brunch somewhere
else.
No.
You can't smoke here.
Go.
Not on your property.
Come on smart ass, just go!
Dude, hey, what the hell!
Do you want to hang out later?
- No.
- Alright.
- Jesus Christ.
- Okay, great...
Well, awesome.
- We did just boop, you know.
- Oh God.
Alright, well, I'll call you.
I don't have your number!
I'll google you.
Alright, well, have fun.
Save a piece of cat cake for me.
[Door on pickup slamming]
[Sound of glasses tinkling]
While we all mourn the loss
of a member of our community,
it's important to think of this
as a celebration of a life.
- To Mr. Roosevelt.
- To Mr. Roosevelt.
And thank you to Melanie
for making this beautiful pie.
I flew the pecans in
from South Carolina.
But it's nothing compared
to Bethany's cake.
I just found the picture
on Facebook,
the cake shop did the rest.
Very thoughtful, Bethany.
Thank you.
Everybody,
let's take a picture together!
Okay, everybody get in.
Oh my God.
Alright.
Oh, get the pie...
in the picture and the cake,
it's so beautiful.
Beautiful!
Resident photographer here.
Group effort.
Oh and don't forget this!
You hold it.
You were like his aunt.
Okay.
Alright, everybody squeeze in.
One, two, three...
Say Mr. Roosevelt.
Mr. Roosevelt!
I got it.
Be sure to tag me.
Of course.
I want to propose a toast,
to all of you who came today.
It's been tough the past
few days for me and Eric,
but I think Mr. Roosevelt
would have really appreciated
all of us coming together.
So thank you.
- We love you.
- We love you, guys.
And I want to
especially thank Emily Martin.
If it wasn't for her, I would
never have gotten to know him.
To Emily.
To Emily.
Don't you fucking do that.
Excuse me?
I know what
you're doing, Celeste.
I don't know
what you're talking about?
"If it wasn't for her,
"I wouldn't have gotten
to know him?"
Okay, we get it.
You're amazing.
You win!
You got the guy!
You got the house!
Emily?
Sweetie...
We all understand.
It's okay. We're hurting too.
I'm sorry. Do I know you?
Oh, I'm Bonnie.
Oh okay, Bonnie,
I have a question.
Did you know him?
Did you know Teddy Roosevelt?
No, but I heard a lot about him.
Oh, you heard a lot about him.
That's the thing right there.
None of you knew him.
You're not here because
you care about Mr. Roosevelt.
You're here because
you care about yourselves.
So you can take pictures
for your Instagrams
and your Facebooks,
And you can say
"I did something, I was there."
And you, you bought pecans
from another state?
Did you overnight it?
What is that?
That's insanity!
That's fucking insane!
That's an insane thing to do!
Emily, maybe you've had
too much to drink.
You think?
Emily...
I know why you're acting out,
and it's okay.
Oh, do you?
You seem to know
everything else,
so that's not a surprise,
so why don't you
tell me Celeste why.
You just feel guilty.
Oh do I?
Yes, you feel guilty
for leaving him.
I'm actually really happy that
you and Eric found each other,
I think it's really special
what you have so...
Congratulations.
No Emily, not Eric.
Mr. Roosevelt.
IT'S JUST A FUCKING CAT!
[Everyone gasping]
No, no, no.
Emily...
Emily, put Mr. Roosevelt down.
You don't have to do this.
Emily...
Emily... Please.
Emily.
I'm sorry.
Ohhh!
Get her!
[Theme music comes up]
Mr. Roosevelt!
[Partygoers calling out]
[Theme music stops]
[Knocking]
Jen!
Okay, just calm down,
just start from the beginning.
What happened with Eric?
Okay, after we left the party,
we kind of, sort of kissed.
And then we had a fight.
And then, I don't...
I'm such a fuck-up.
I don't know why I did it...
Dude, you kissed him. I don't
see what the big deal is.
No, Jen, I fucked Art.
What?
And I woke up with him
at Eric's place.
Emily.
There were all these people
there,
and there was a cake with a picture of Mr.
Roosevelt on it.
And I freaked out
and then I took the ashes.
You took the ashes?
I took the ashes.
Bad ass.
Yeah?
So what are you going to do now?
Are you leaving tomorrow?
I don't know!
I don't know! I don't know!
You could stay here.
No. I can't, I've already
burned every bridge in Austin.
I'm gonna go back to LA, and
try to get another editing gig.
And then audition
for commercials and
be a desperate improv comedian
who never gets a real job,
and ends up being
some loser fucking waitress?
Yeah, you wouldn't want
to do that.
No, Jen...
Jen, I didn't...
Obviously, I didn't mean...
Emily, shut up!
You are amazing.
Jen, I didn't know...
I even fucked this up.
No, you didn't!
Listen, I'm you're friend,
no matter what.
But you need to grow the fuck
up.
You're not the only one in
the world with fucking problems.
You're right.
I don't deserve friends.
God, you are so self-pitying!
I'm sorry!
Stop saying you're sorry!
[Theme music comes up]
Fuck!
Fuck!
Where's my bike?
Where's my bike?
Shit, shit...
Oh my God.
Someone fucking stole my bike!
It's so fucking obvious!
Fuck everyone!
No, Jen.
Hey, buddy.
Jen, Jen, no, I don't want to.
I'm just here to help.
You can't do this to me.
- I'm here to help.
- I don't want it.
I'll hit you
with a little water.
No, no, no.
- Don't do this.
- There's nowhere to go.
No, no.
Come on, Em.
You gotta face your fears.
No.
No, no.
- Just trying to help.
- No!
- Here to help.
- NO!
[Theme music comes up
more powerfully]
[Theme music fades out]
Ahhhhhhhhh!
[Crying]
Mr. Roosevelt!
I'm sorry!
I'm so sorry!
[Crying uncontrollably]
[Sound of Emily still crying]
Jen, am I a bad person?
No...
There's no way in hell
you're a bad person.
You're a good person,
with really bad execution.
[Laughter]
You ready to do this?
[Sound of knocking]
Hi.
There's not much of him in here.
What's up?
I'm Jen.
Heard a lot about you.
I'm not sure where Eric is.
After this morning,
he just disappeared.
And he left his phone here.
I'm sure he's alright.
Emily, I was just trying
to do something nice...
with the brunch, and with you.
Okay?
I don't know how to handle
stuff like this.
Or maybe I went about it
the wrong way.
And everyone's so upset.
Everyone is so upset.
And you ran away.
And Eric is gone and I don't
even know who you are.
And I was just trying
to do something nice.
And I wanted to do
something right!
What the fuck!
This is the part where you're
supposed to start laughing.
What?
[Sound of Jen
and Emily laughing]
[Sound of Celeste laughing]
You want some?
Yeah.
I never had a pet
before Mr. Roosevelt...
Really? Never?
No.
[Front door opening]
Eric.
Where were you?
Just walking around, thinking.
- Are you wet?
- Uh-huh.
Some stuff happened.
Shall we do this?
[Sound of shoveling soil]
[Theme music comes up softly]
(Emily)
Dear Eric and Celeste,
Thank you for taking
such good care of me.
Now that I'm no longer alive, I
just want to report back and say,
the tuna in heaven is divine.
Love, Mr. Roosevelt.
PS: I know my mom Emily
was kind of a cunt,
but she's grown up a lot
over this weekend.
Thank you for showing her
what a family looks like.
She thinks you guys are building
something great together.
And the wood floors
look awesome.
PPS: Sorry I broke your thing.
I tried to fix it
as best as I could.
PPPS: Hey, just in case you didn't
know, this is Emily writing this.
[Knocking on door]
Hi, is Jen home?
I thought you were gone.
Yeah. I'm going to be leaving
I just wanted to say goodbye
to you before you left for tour.
What? I'm not going on tour.
You say that now,
but maybe this...
will change your mind.
"mdotclark79"
"This drummer is sick.
Come to Cincinnati."
The people have spoken.
They love you.
Dude, maybe I will go on tour.
Yeah you will. Guess my YouTube
came in handy for something.
Fuck yeah!
Well, Jen, I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too, man.
Bring it in. Bring it in.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah!
[Sound of women giggling]
Well, I guess that's it.
See you.
Oh, wait Jen, I almost forgot.
I am flat broke.
Can I get a ride to the airport?
- Oh, fuck you.
- Okay.
- I'll get my keys.
- Okay.
[Theme music comes up]
The first time I made someone
laugh I was in the first grade.
It was a play,
and it was about a farm.
And I was a cow.
Every kid in the play
had one line.
We would march up
to the microphone,
and say our line
and then that was it.
I was such a little try-hard.
I practiced my line over
and over again.
So I could get it right and
everyone would love me.
And by the time it was my turn,
I was so ready.
I just marched right up
to the microphone
and I said my line
really loud and confidently.
What should we do?
[Sound of audience laughing]
They just started laughing.
That was not the reaction
I was expecting.
I thought I had blown my shot,
I thought I had blown
my one line.
I was washed up at age 7,
And I went backstage and
I was beating myself up.
Like, "Emily, you suck...
"Can't you go one day
without fucking something up?"
When my mom came backstage
to congratulate me,
I was just so upset.
I asked her,
"Why were they laughing at me?
"Did I do something wrong?"
And she just smiled
and she said,
"They weren't laughing at you
because you did something wrong.
"They were laughing at you
because you're funny."
It was like a light switch
went off in my brain
and I thought,
"Hey, if I can make people
laugh on accident,
"maybe I could do it on purpose.
"And I've been trying to do it
on purpose ever since."
So, do you have some stuff
prepared for us?
Yes, I have some characters
and some impressions.
Great. You have one minute.
Wait, excuse me,
I thought that we...
I was told I had three minutes.
You did,
but your story took so long.
There's a lot of people waiting.
Right, okay...
Sure...
This first impression is
Holly Hunter at a garage sale.
Hi, excuse me, miss. How much is
this stainless steel serving saucer?
What? It's not for sale?
I don't understand.
This is a garage sale,
is it not?
You listen here, I have 79 cents
and I intend to spend it.
Now tell me,
how much is this children's book
"Sally Sells Seashells
by the Sea Shore"?
A dollar? Shoot. What about
this Scissor Sisters CD?
This is a little boy
trying to be macho in a mirror.
We're divorced.
OK...
This is the girl
who's always cold.
I'm cold.
[Moaning sound]
Brrrrrr...
No, I don't want your jacket.
This is Kristen Wig
discovering a murder scene.
Oh my God, he's dead.
Somebody killed him.
Help, quick. Call 911.
This is a pug
turning into a baby.
[Sound of pug breathing]
[Sound of baby crying]
This an impression
of a Vine video
of a girl at a Beyonc concert.
Oh my God, Beyonc!
[Sound of tripping, then crying]
Oh my God, Beyonc!
[Sound of tripping, then crying]
Oh my God, Beyonce!
[Sound of tripping, crying]
Okay.
[Sound of tripping]
[Theme comes up]
[Theme fades out]
[City street sounds]
[Emily coughing]
[Sound of car door
opening and closing]
Hey, guys.
Hey, Emily.
Where the hell
have you been, Emily?
It's two
in the goddamn afternoon.
I had an audition this morning
which I told you about yesterday.
This is a team, Emily.
You want to be
a part of it or not?
It's editing.
You don't do it as a team,
you do it alone.
But we're doing it together.
Okay, I'm sorry.
It ran long and traffic was...
Just show me what you've got.
As Pharmtech pharmaceutical
reps,
we're here to connect patients
with life-altering prescriptions
they didn't even know they
needed.
So talk to your doctor
about talking to their patients
about the benefits of Hupertan
Rx.
Because no one
should feel sleepy.
Fine, export this cut,
and get it to Brinson
by the end of day for approval.
Jesus.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Have a seat.
Why?
I got your chart back and...
You don't got a butt.
[Audience laughing]
I just don't understand.
What do you mean, Mr. But Butts?
Hey...
It's Dr. Butt Butts to you!
[Audience explodes
into more laughter]
Thanks so much,
that's our show!
[Audience clapping and cheering]
That was perfect...
Hey guys! Great job tonight,
that was so good!
You wanna go in?.
That improv was so good
for being drunk.
I know. I know.
- And like you had...?
- I was drunk.
I haven't seen you
around the theatre.
Are you new in town?
No, I've been around
pretty much constantly.
I moved from Austin
about two years ago.
Dude, I love Austin.
South By Southwest!
Yeah.
Austin, it's pretty great, but
they call it "The Velvet Rut,"
because it's so laid back that
people there lose their ambition.
Velvet Rut, that's a good name
for something.
That's funny.
Did you guys know that Emily's got
over 20 million views on YouTube?
Oh, my God.
She's like a celebrity.
It's exclusively
from perverts,
mostly in the Ukraine.
Oh my God.
It's just this one video
that got out of control.
What's the vid?
Honestly,
it's too stupid to talk about.
Wow, you have
really low self-esteem.
[Emily laughing]
[Colleague mimicking her laugh]
Lucas, you teach a 401, right?
Are you going to take it
for the eighth time?
I'm taking it
for the eighth time.
I'm already enrolled.
You want me to get you
another round of something?
Yeah, sure, that'd be great.
And maybe later, I can
take you home and fuck you?
[Theme comes up]
[Sound of falling shoes]
[Theme music gets softer]
Emily...
[Sighs]
Hey, is this funny?
Is this funny?
What?
Where there's smoke,
there's me smoking weed?
- Sure...
- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.
- That's funny.
Uh-huh.
[More sighs]
Woah!
What are you doing?
I'm just gonna tweet it out.
- Dude, I'm...
- I know.
See, I didn't want
to mess up the joke.
I'm putting it away.
Hey, Emily, I'm okay...
We're okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we're okay.
[Mobile buzzing]
What? Seriously?
No, that's not my phone.
Oh, fuck. Give me a minute.
[Message tone]
Oh, shit.
It's my ex, I'm sorry.
We haven't talked for a while.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I'm sorry
I didn't answer earlier
I was swamped all day,
is everything okay?
Oh my God.
Oh...
Oh my God, oh my God.
Ahhh...
How long does he have?
Oh, no!
Oh my God.
[Theme music comes up]
[Announcements on
PA system in airport]
- Hi, let me help you here.
- No. I got it.
I've got plenty
of room back here,
- Come on, it's no problem.
- I want to hold on to my bag.
- You sure?
- Yes.
Okay, go ahead
and get in the car.
Right there.
My name is Ida.
(Singing)
Ida, Sweet as apple cider...
Welcome to Austin!
[Theme music comes up softly]
I hope you enjoy the trip.
Is it business or pleasure?
Neither.
I'm a pretty good driver
most of the time.
[Laughing]
I hope you give me five stars.
It would be helpful. Oops!
[Car hits pothole]
Oops.
[Theme music comes up softly]
[Theme music fades out]
- Hi.
- How can I help you?
I'm here to see a patient,
Mr. Roosevelt.
And you are...?
I'm his...
He's my cat.
I'll let the vet
know you're here.
[Sound of pens falling on floor]
Have a seat.
Hey.
You look great.
Thank you.
You look...
very thin.
So what happened?
He hasn't been eating
for a week.
Why didn't you call me earlier?
I didn't want to bother you.
The vet says that...
it's kidney failure.
Hello.
Hello.
This is Celeste.
My girlfriend.
Your girlfriend?
I didn't know you had a...
It's so nice to meet you.
I'm Emily.
You've probably heard
a lot about me.
Not much, actually.
Well...
Thank you for being here.
I know that he was my cat,
but Mr. Roosevelt
meant a lot to Eric.
Yeah.
Yeah, he means a lot to me too.
Celeste and I live together.
In our...?
In my house.
That's so nice.
[Sound of sliding door]
So we put him on fluids,
and he perked up quite a bit.
And then he took a turn
for the worst.
Worse.
Worst.
Which is it, turn for the worse?
I never know.
Turn for the worse...
Right.
Anyway...
I'm sorry.
He passed away.
[Sound of Celeste crying]
Who'll be handling
the medical paperwork?
The cremation process can take
24 to 48 hours,
depending on the backlog.
Can I see him...?
Before?
Of course.
Have you decided on an urn?
I'll take the second cheapest.
[Sound of door opening]
Oh...
Um...
I guess I'll call you
when he's done.
And we can have a service
to pay our respects and...
Thank you for taking care of him
while I was away.
And...
Sweetie...
Shhh.
It's gonna be okay.
Well, I'll see you later.
Where are you staying?
[Theme music comes up softly]
[Theme music fades out,
clock gong sounds]
Who wants some tea?
Eric, Oolong?
Yeah, sure.
The house looks amazing.
Celeste...
You guys put in wood floors?
Actually we had
a contractor come in
and rip out the carpet and...
Apparently these were original
to the house.
I always hated the carpet.
So this is the bathroom,
which you knew,
- but now has extra towels.
- Fancy.
And the guest room.
Oh! Where's
all your band stuff?
Your guitars and your amps?
Out in the shed.
- You practice in the shed?
- No, it's temporary storage.
You know until
I figure out where to put it.
[Clock gongs again]
Why didn't you tell me
about Celeste?
Em, we haven't spoken
since you broke up with me
over the phone.
Are you okay?
Oh my God, are you kidding me?
Of course I'm okay.
I'm really happy for you.
We gotta move on.
We've all moved on.
I was talking
about Mr. Rosevelt.
Oh...
Yeah, I'll be okay.
I don't really know what I'm
going to do financially.
Or how I'm gonna get back to LA.
Flights are crazy expensive.
This is good, right?
This is...
This is closure.
[Knocking]
Tea time.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
No, in fact I was
just on my way out.
Catch up as much as you need to.
You should drink that
while it's hot.
Yes.
That's usually how tea works.
Well, let me know
if you need anything.
Okey dokey!
Okey dokey...
Eric, wait.
Ummm...
What's the WiFi password?
Still the same.
Cool.
[Theme music comes up]
...He felt her curves
round his neck
like a yoke he knows
he'll never forget
The way she cut through his bed
Like a snake would bite
through a cave of flesh
But he holds her
though she's broken
He swears he don't care
where she's been
He's tired of being human
He wears her close
to the bone...
[Computer snapping shut,
theme music stops abruptly]
[Growling]
KLONOPIN, take one tablet
by mouth twice a day
[Knocking]
Emily?
You okay?
Yeah, I'm good, I'm good.
I'm just urinating.
Eric and I have reservations
at Justine's tonight.
And I'm sure you have other
plans, but if you're not busy,
then we'd love for you
to join us and our friends.
No, I don't have plans,
but I'm sure I can figure
something else out.
Really?
I know Eric wants you to come.
He does?
Yes.
Emily,
you don't have to be alone.
That's a spiffy shirt.
Thanks.
It's a...
breathable cotton.
So...
Everybody ready?
Aye aye, captain.
Do you want to change
before we leave?
Oh, I'm so sorry...
When I took
an emergency flight to Austin,
I didn't exactly think
to pack formal wear.
That makes perfect sense.
I'm sure
I have something you can wear.
Great.
[Romantic tune comes up]
Why me,
Why did you pick
on my heart to break?
Why did you have to fool me?
So I would to propose a toast,
to the memory of Mr. Roosevelt.
Oh, Jess.
[Sound of clinking glasses]
I don't know if you guys notice
anything different about me.
I've been meditating.
Yep, using an app
called Mind Time.
Thank you.
It's awesome.
He is so calm, so peaceful.
- Present.
- He's got this glow...
I'm finally here.
I can see it.
- Free app?
- Yeah, free.
I'll send it to you guys.
I get referrals...
- Very cool.
- It's awesome.
It's like, I don't know,
life-changing.
So, Eric, how's your band doing?
I saw you guys got a write-up
in the Chronicle last year.
Eric's taking a break from
right now.
He's getting
his real estate license.
- I love houses.
- I know you do.
Whoa, you're going to become
a real estate agent?
Yeah, they say if you sell one,
you can be set for a year.
I get that. We all do things
we don't want to do for a while,
so we can do the things that
we really want to do.
That's why
I audition for commercials.
It's more of a long-term thing.
You know, music is great,
and he's so good at it, but
you can only do this band thing
for so long
before you have to start thinking
about your future, right?
Right.
So. Emily, you're an actress?
No. I'm actually more
of a comedian.
Which basically means
I'm a less attractive
version of an actress.
Oh...
Why would you say that?
You're so beautiful.
So cute.
I'm joking.
Yeah, but even if you're joking,
it's not healthy
to talk about yourself that way.
So, Emily, you do stand-up?
No, I don't do stand up comedy.
It's hard to explain what I
do...
It's stupid.
It's pretty dumb.
Emily is so funny.
You have over 50,000
YouTube subscribers, right?
Wow!
Really? Wow!
You can really do something
with that.
I was just reading this article
about a girl who was doing
make-up tutorials online,
and she accidentally
got make-up in her eye,
and she had this major
freak-out.
It was so real and so funny.
So the video goes viral,
and then she goes
on the "Today" show,
and based on its success,
she was able to launch her own
beauty tutorial channel,
and she just came out
with this big make-up line.
Have you ever thought of
doing something like that?
No, I haven't.
Why not?
Oh, what about you, Celeste?
I never found out
what you do for a living.
Celeste is an entrepreneur.
Okay.
What's that mean?
Just a fancy French word.
I worked for a social media
firm when I was 25 and...
I realized their client model
wasn't sustainable cause
it was fractured
across too many platforms,
so I quit,
and I took my savings and teamed
up with a fellow Penn grad,
and we developed coding that
integrates business's
various online presences
into one streamlined platform.
It's still in product
development right now but...
There's been a lot of interest.
Don't be humble.
And she also makes
her own greeting cards.
I sent one to my grandma.
- You did not, really?.
- Yeah.
You know they have them
in six stores?
What?
Yeah. That's our Celeste.
Wow!
It's amazing
how much bread you can eat.
They're not charging
for it, are they?
No, it's not that, it's just
I'm so gluten intolerant...
Even a bite can
throw off my diet for a week.
Yeah,
Celeste got me off bread too
and I feel so much better.
I thought I was gonna miss it,
but I don't.
Well, I for one love bread.
Call me old-fashioned, okay?
I'm jealous.
So, Emily,
I'm just a little confused.
If you don't want to be making
internet videos,
and you don't want to be
a standup comic and
you're not an actress...
What do you want to do?
Why move to Los Angeles
in the first place?
Celeste...
That's a really
good question, Celeste.
And the answer is...
I don't know.
I guess it was pretty
fucking stupid of me, huh?
Well, for a comedian,
she's awfully serious.
[Breaking dishes]
Shit!
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no, leave it.
Woah, what happened?
Ouch!
- Oh my God, are you okay?
- I'm fine. Leave me alone!
What the f, Jen!
Suck a dick, Dustin, she's hurt.
Come on, I got you.
Wait, Em...
It's okay. I got her.
Okay.
She has a hot mouth.
Hey, let me see it.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know how I'm going
to pay for all that food.
Fuck that food.
Who cares about that food?
Let me see your hand.
Hey...
Are you Emily Martin?
- Yeah?
- Dude!
Jen!
Jen Morales.
We talked for a second
at the party on the East side.
You were with Ravi.
There was that band of girls
that hits pots as instruments.
Ahhh, Manic Pixie Jihad.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Dude! Is it weird that
I feel like I know you?
People post your vids
all the time.
- They do?
- Yeah.
My mom's favorite one is
that one of you in the bathtub.
Hey, you're based out of LA?
What are you doing out here?
My cat died.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was he old?
No, he wasn't.
Oh man...
That guy up there
your boyfriend?
That's my ex-boyfriend.
Oh.
I left my cat with him.
But he wasn't my ex-boyfriend
when I did that.
He was my boyfriend,
and then I moved to Los Angeles.
And we tried long distance,
and then I broke up with him.
But don't worry about him
because he has a new girlfriend
and she's super-cool.
And she lives in our house
that's theirs,
and she ripped up the carpet,
and it looks really pretty.
And she says that
it's her cat too!
And I think that that's fair.
It's okay, it's okay.
I'm sorry, I can't breathe.
- It's okay...
- I'm sorry.
Hold that thought.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[Sound of Emily struggling
to catch her breath]
I'm sorry.
I don't want to drink.
It's okay,
just tell me what happened.
I already said it.
Say it again.
Which part?
Any of it.
Okay.
I just had all these plans
and these goals.
Right.
And I thought if I did one thing,
then I did another thing...
And this and
that was supposed to happen...
How do you feel?
I don't know.
Exactly.
What?
Just breathe.
How am I supposed to breathe?
You just threw water in my...
Oh my God!
[Sound of laughter]
You feel better?
I feel great.
Do you mind passing the butter?
Sure, here.
Thank you.
I'm sorry about your dress.
I can pay
to have it dry-cleaned.
MEOW
It's Jen. see you manana...
Emily?
Emily?
Emily?
Emily?
Did I wake you?
Yes.
I wanted to share some good
news.
Okay?
We were able to get
a flight voucher in your name
because my cousin's a manager
at Delta.
What?
I heard you were worried about
returning to Los Angeles?
You got me a plane ticket?
Un-huh.
It's just coach. We used miles.
- You didn't have to do that.
- I know.
But I wanted to.
My apologies for waking you up.
I just wanted to share the good
news before I went to work.
Have a really beautiful day,
Emily.
Eric?
Celeste?
[Sound of floorboard creaking]
[Sound of Emily jumping]
[Sound of breaking pot]
[Sound of Emily yelping]
I'm sorry! I was just
looking for the toothpaste.
It's okay!
It's alright.
Nothing you haven't seen before.
Yeah, that's very true.
Toothpaste is
in the second cabinet
to the right in the bathroom.
Thank you.
Hey, Em?
Have you had breakfast?
I'm surprised you kept the
table.
Celeste, she refinished it.
She's really, really handy.
Oh, Celeste...
Celeste really is the best, huh?
I'm glad
to hear you say that.
Because I was worried
after last night.
You were worried?
Worried about me?
How come? You know me.
New day. New Emily.
Yeah, I do. I know you.
You want me to help?
You want me to make some coffee?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Cool.
I'm sorry, I just need...
Oh yeah. No, sorry.
You're okay.
[Theme music comes up softly]
You know
I like it strong, right?
I'll make it strong.
[Soft theme music continues]
[Sound of Emily's soft laughter]
[Music comes up stronger,
sound of cat's meow]
Yeah, you know what?
We're actually off coffee now.
And I know it sounds crazy but
I have more energy.
I have to head to school.
Are you gonna be okay here
alone all day?
Yeah, I think so.
I still have a key.
Great.
And I can take that back later.
Of course.
Oh, also we moved
a ton of your stuff
in boxes out into the shed.
Maybe you want to go through it,
and take some stuff
back with you?
And your bike.
We both have bikes so...
Maybe you want to figure out
what you want to do with that.
Maybe sell it for money?
Sure, yeah. Really good idea.
Thank you.
Great.
Toodles.
Toodles.
[Front door closing]
[Theme music comes up]
[Shed door opening]
[Faster paced theme music
comes up]
[Music stops abruptly]
[Sound of Emily
struggling with bike]
Jesus, fucking Christ...
Crap.
[Piped in electronic music ]
It's Jen. See you manana?
[Knocking]
Hi, is Jen home?
Hey, Dude!
- Hey.
- What up?
Hey.
Happy you found me!
Come on in.
It's where the magic happens.
How many people live here?
- Like four to six.
- Really?
Yeah, sometimes
we AirBnB the couch.
Dude, it's so f'd that
you're staying
with your ex-boyfriend
and his new girlfriend.
I know.
What twisted mind would agree
to something like that?
So what are we dealing with?
A jealous psycho-bitch?
No, Celeste is not the type of
girl that gets jealous.
In fact,
she is super, super nice,
and put together, and everything
in her life is beautiful,
and nothing's out of place.
You know, like a
Pinterest board come to life.
Oh, so she's super-fake.
And she has him
on anti-depressants.
She literally has him drugged
up.
Are you fucking serious?
I saw them in their cabinet...
which used to be my cabinet.
It's like they've gotten rid of
every trace that I ever existed.
They put all my stuff
in the shed...
My entire life in Austin,
packed up in two boxes.
Eric said, "You have to
get these out of here."
But what am I supposed to do?
I can't take them to LA with me,
I don't have any space,
I live in a studio.
Why not keep your stuff here,
I'd be happy to hold it for you.
Really?
You barely even know me.
Nobody knows anyone.
Do you even know yourself?
I dunno, I think so.
I look in the mirror a lot.
Well, Emily Martin,
to truly know oneself,
you have to ask yourself
one thing...
And what's that?
Are you willing to be reborn?
[Emily squawks]
[Screaming, followed by
splash in waterhole]
Jen!
- Hey, ladies!
- What up?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Art!
[Hip hop music
plays in background]
Pass that pipe...
Here.
It's so nice to be back
in the Greenbelt, it feels like
it's the only thing in Austin
that hasn't really changed.
Seriously, all the tech douches
coming in, buying property,
building condos on everything.
They're tearin' it all down,
that's all they know how to do.
A normal person
can't afford anything anymore.
I had to move past 183.
I had to move back in
with my parents.
And they had to move back in
with their parents.
[Sound of laughter]
You want?
Oh no, I'm good, thank you.
Dude, that bikini top
looks sick on you.
Thanks.
[Powerful theme music comes
up]
[Powerful fades out]
She looks like
she's seen a titty ghost.
[More laughter]
I'm sorry, I...
You know it's legal here
in Austin.
It's all right.
Calm down.
I know that.
Come on, free your nipples.
- Shut up!
- Come on, dude.
Don't say that.
What? Girls say it.
Yeah, but it's liberating
when we say it.
And it's creepy as fuck
when guys say it.
Guys, man.
Take it easy, her cat just died.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
No, it's not that, I'm...
[Powerful comes up]
[Powerful ends abruptly]
Alright!
Well, I'm gonna jump in.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Ready?
Oh, no, I'm just gonna
warm up for a little bit.
Alright.
Hey...
If you take a hit of this...
You can put your top back on.
Deal.
- Look that way.
- Okay.
Let me know when your boobs
are safely quarantined.
Okay.
Thanks.
I don't normally smoke.
It makes me tired.
And I don't understand
what funny is.
What is there to understand?
[Emily chuckles]
So...
Art...
Is Art short for Arthur?
No, it's short
for Artist, actually.
Really?
My parents had
pretty high expectations.
Oh, well, my name's Emily.
My parents had
very, very low expectations.
They must be pretty hyped,
you turned out pretty creative.
What makes you say that?
You have the whole
quirky girl vibe going.
Oh, Jesus!
- What?
- That is so condescending.
It's not condescending...
Saying you're quirky
means saying you're interesting.
It's a compliment.
No, it's not because
you would never call a guy that.
With a guy you'd use
another word like "eccentric,"
but with a girl, you need a word
that recognizes her uniqueness,
but at the same time
devalues her intelligence.
Like "her delightful whimsy could
never make a cogentargument,"
highlighting
your unconscious sexism.
Well, you're not quirky,
but you're definitely
kind of a bitch.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
[Jen yelling]
- Oh no.
- Sorry.
Thank you.
[Cell phone buzzing]
Alright.
Oh shit, it's my work.
Don't answer it. Hang it up.
Hit reject.
What?
They said it would take
a few days to cremate him,
so I'll probably be here
over the weekend,
but I have my laptop, and can
do all my work from here.
Emily, let's be real.
This isjust not
a priority for you.
Wait.
What are you talking about?
Do you think I planned this?
Listen, I have all the assets, I can
just upload the cuts to Dropbox.
Yeah, sounds like you're working
really really hard over there.
Let's face it, Emily.
You're just not
a right fit with us anymore.
Okay, if this is about the auditions,
I can stop going for a few weeks.
I really need the job.
Hey Todd, my cat died!
I needed to be here for him.
Come on, Emily.
It's just a fucking cat.
"It's just a fucking cat"?
You know what?
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck Pharmtech!
And fuck the man! I quit!
[Sound of cell phone landing]
I quit!
[Bathers cheering,
Emily screaming in joy]
Wooo!
[Song begins] If you come
to find out who you are,
May you find out,
may you find out who you are.
And if you come to search
for what is lost,
Then may you find it,
may you find it at any cost.
And if you come over far,
May it not touch you
or ever do you harm.
If I were to die today,
Slaughtered in that
masquerade,
The last thing
that you'd hear me say,
Put my body on display
In the parade.
[Song ends]
Hey, is this your phone?
I found it in the bushes.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Sure.
This message is for Emily
Martin.
We're calling to let you know that Mr.
Roosevelt is ready.
Oh God... Jen?
[Theme music comes up softly]
Hey, do you want
my roommate to drive you?
No, it's okay.
- Bye!
- Bye!
[Music ends abruptly]
[Sound of bike falling]
Hello.
I'm here to pick up my cat.
Okay. What procedure
did you drop him off for?
Oh no, I'm sorry,
I'm here to pick up my dead cat.
Mr. Roosevelt?
Oh...
I'm sorry,
Mr. Roosevelt is not here.
What do you mean he's not here?
Someone already picked him up.
Wait, you just let some stranger
take my cat's ashes home?
Don't you check people's IDs
or something?
Who was it?
It was a woman...
She bought a different urn.
It should be on the invoice.
- Celeste Jones.
- Celeste Jones.
[Sound of dog growling]
[Theme music comes up
powerfully]
Eric!
Celeste!
[Theme music becomes soft]
[Noise coming from kitchen]
[Sound of conversation
and power drill]
- Lean forward, push your back up.
- I'm gonna lean you back...
[Sounds of laughter,
gentle spanking]
Oh, Emily.
Emily's home.
Why did you pick up
Mr. Roosevelt?
Pardon me?
Why did you pick up the ashes?
They called me.
Why did they call you?
Well, I called to check in
this morning.
And later today they said
they tried calling you but
couldn't get ahold of you.
And what about the urn?
Oh, yeah...
You should have seen what
they put him in.
It looked like it was
the cheapest one they had.
It was the second cheapest.
I guess that's it. We have
him back. Time to bury him.
Do you have a shovel?
Or do you want to
just put him in your compost?
What?
Celeste and I thought
it might be nice
to have some friends
come over tomorrow...
during the day
and pay their respects.
Just a small gathering
tomorrow early after breakfast.
Like a brunch?
Yes! Exactly.
A few of my friends
are bringing some dishes
and there'll be mimosas.
Oh mimosas...
But don't worry, you don't have
to bring anything. Just yourself.
And your memories.
[Sound of Emily's
disturbed laughter]
Here...
I'll keep him safe.
[Door slamming]
[Sound of cartons
falling on floor]
[Sound of dry cleaning
hitting the floor]
[Theme music comes up softly]
[Music crescendos
and stops abruptly]
Eric!
Hey, where's Celeste?
She left for book club.
Jesus, Eric! Book club?
Seriously?
- Okay, what's going on?
- Celeste!
How could you let her
do this to me?
Do what?
Em, Celeste has been
nothing but nice to you.
No, I know that's
what she's making it seem like,
but she's trying
to make me look bad.
Calm down!
What?
This is not about Celeste.
Of course it's about Celeste.
- No, it's not!
- Yes, it is!
(Singing)
No, it's not.
Don't.
Don't do this.
(Singing and clapping)
It's about us...
Come on, give it to me.
[Eric clapping]
[Singing]
Maybe you're right.
[Singing]
But what do we do?
[Singing and clapping]
I don't know
[Singing]
but can we just talk?
[Sound of Emily
laughing gently]
Do you remember
how we were gonna improvise a
whole album based on our fights?
Yeah.
[Singing and clapping]
Why didn't that happen?
[Singing and clapping]
Because you left.
No...
You should play this.
Is your guitar in the shed?
No, Em what? No.
Play it! No.
This is gonna be great.
[Sound of Emily squealing
with joy]
[Sound of back door
opening and closing]
You were saying...
[Singing]
Because I...
I'll tune it.
What are you doing?
What do you mean? I thought
we were both doing this.
I'm sorry.
Let's just get out of here.
[Music from truck]
- You have to try this one.
- Oh yeah?
Fuck!
- Oh, my God.
- It's so hot.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- It is so hot!
[Eric and Emily moaning]
Damn, damn!
Good though.
I missed tacos.
Your siblings in LA
do not compare.
What? Really?
I thought LA had
the best Mexican food.
No. That's a myth.
It's really awful.
I think it's because
LA is obsessed with burritos.
Who needs those?
Burritos are just
sleeping bags for rice.
I want the flavor.
Can I try that one?
Yeah.
It's mild.
I'm a pussy and it feels good
to say out loud.
So...
How's that going?
- You mean LA?
- Yeah.
I'm managing.
How's real estate-ing going?
It's more hypothetical than
real...
so far but...
It's good,
I'm taking courses and
I'm shadowing this guy
that Celeste knows.
It's good.
Em?
I missed you.
Dude!
Emily Martin?
Shut up!
Stacy, hi.
Sean, I literally was just talking
about Emily, my college roommate.
God, what are you doing here?
You're like famous.
She did that spaghetti bath
video I was telling you about.
It has like 10 million views.
You must have made so much
money.
Yeah... no.
I couldn't monetize it.
What the fuck? Why?
Because of
the Michael Jackson song.
Fuck! Fuck that guy.
So, what are you two doing?
- We are just eating tacos.
- Tacos.
Hey, Sean and I are going to
this house party up the street.
You guys should come.
There's gonna be beers and fun.
No, we were kind of
in the middle of something.
I'd do it.
Yeah, he's doing it.
Come on, you should go. Come on!
Please!
[Raunchy music comes up]
BRB, PBR!
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Oooh! I can't seem to lose you!
Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
- Em, how you doing?
- Jen, what are you doing here?
- I didn't mean to scare you.
No, it's okay.
It's my friend's house.
We're about to play.
Oh, cool.
- Hey, how you doing?
- Good.
- How it is going, bro?
- Good.
Alright, see you guys.
Yeah.
How do I know her?
She's the waitress I ran into
at the French restaurant.
- And just now.
- Yeah.
Again.
[Sound of electric guitar]
We're the Leeks.
[Hard drum beat comes up]
[The Leeks playing
hard rock song]
[Hard rock song ends
abruptly]
Oh my God!
You were so amazing!
Oh, thanks man.
Wait. Why didn't tell me
that you were in a band?
- Well, you never asked.
- Oh.
- You want a cigarette?
- No, I'm good.
Okay.
What the hell,
gimme a cigarette.
- Yeah, you want one too?
- You know what, I'll take one.
Yeah. Why not?
We're all doing it.
I love peer pressure.
[Disco music
comes up powerfully]
Yeah, you know,
I was just like, "Fuck guys."
And then I got on Tinder.
And then I met Sean
three days ago...
It's been fucking amazing.
[Disco music comes up]
Wait...
Do you see celebrities
all the time in LA?
Well, one New Year's Eve,
I saw Thom York buying
deodorant at a Ralph's.
Wait, what's a Ralph's?
It's a HEB, but it's like HEB.
But why is it called Ralph's?
[Disco music comes up]
Hey everybody!
Who wants to see
a really funny video
with the most famous person
from Austin Texas?
No.
My friend
Emily Martin right here.
No, please...
- Play it.
- Come on, play it!
I think
it's like "spaghetti balls"?
Uhh, "meatballs"?
Uhh... "tub girl"!
Definitely not "tub girl".
[Sound of laughter]
I can't hear anything!
Ohhhh!
[More laughter]
[Theme music comes up]
[Laughter and sighs]
Ohhhh!
[Shouting and laughter]
OOhhhh!
More sauce! More sauce!
More sauce! More sauce!
More sauce! More sauce!
More sauce! More sauce! More...!
- OOHHH!
- YEAH!
More sauce! More sauce!
More sauce!
More sauce! More sauce!
More sauce!
Dude, how did you get
so many noodles in that tub?
Did you smell like
tomatoes for weeks?
Why are you so bummed out?
People loved it.
I dunno.
It's really hard to explain.
Dude, turn that sad clown frown
upside down.
Is this all
I'm gonna be known for?
[Sound of tuning
electric guitar]
[Singing] You always act
like nothing's wrong.
You always tell me
that you're fine.
Dark clouds
are falling on your head.
Just like a sad little clown.
You got to turn
that frown upside down
My sad little clown.
You're not fooling me, baby.
I can see
a sad little clown in misery.
You're my sad little clown.
You're my sad little clown.
You're my sad little clown.
Turn your frown upside down.
[Partygoers cheering
and clapping]
[Hard rock music from band
comes up powerfully]
[Hard rock music ends]
[Cheers, cries of appreciation]
WHOA!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Whoa, whoa...
- Man overboard!
- No!
- Alright.
- I'm sorry.
I got you.
I got you.
You got me!
I'm a menace to society.
Wow, you're a fucking bad ass.
- I'm impressed.
- Yeah.
Just leave these bikes for dead.
[Emily sighing]
We shouldn't...
No.
...do anything.
- We can't do this.
- No, I know.
This is not a thing that
we should be doing.
- We should not be doing this.
- No.
It's not like...
No, we can't...
I know. It's not like
I planned on doing this.
I have a girlfriend.
Yeah.
Well, she's more like
a life coach.
Come on.
No, Eric...
You come on.
She's trying to change you.
She sweeps into your life and thinks
she knows what's best for you,
and wants to take away the
things you care about?
For what?
So you can have a "real" job?
Did you see yourself tonight?
You fucking killed it!
And you loved it!
And you know you did!
And you're willing to give
that all up for some girl?
I've tried the thing.
I've been here for 10 years.
Nothing has happened.
Okay. So fucking Austin
isn't working out for you.
Fuck Austin.
I always said
you should go on tour.
And just leave everything
and struggle and be alone.
So you're alone for a little
bit.
Sometimes you have to give up
things you care about
to get the things you want.
Yeah, and how's
that working out for you.
[Emily sighing]
Okay, Eric,
I just want to know, I just...
If you could have anything,
any career, any dream...
What would it really be? Honestly,
just ask yourself that.
Honestly, I just want a family.
[Emily sighing]
Is that the Klonopin talking?
What?
I saw the prescription drugs
in the cabinet in the bathroom.
It's fucking Celeste...
She has you drugged up so
you'll just do whatever she says
so you'll just be this perfect
little house husband.
I'm so fucking sad
for you right now.
Are you a fucking lunatic?
What?
Celeste didn't put me
on Klonopin.
She helped me get off of it.
I was on it because of you.
When you left,
I was a fucking wreck.
I loved you...
And you disappeared.
No calls.
Bye.
Do you know how much that hurt?
I didn't know I hurt you.
I didn't know that I hurt you.
You never said that.
What the fuck did you think
was gonna happen?
I don't know!
What did you think?
I don't know. I didn't know
that you needed me.
Well, I didn't need you.
Okay, I didn't...
Eric... I just... I don't know,
I didn't think it was over.
You thought I was waiting?
No, of course
I didn't think that.
I don't know, I think in some way
I thought I was doing it for you.
I'm struggling out there.
I'm a miserable person.
Can we be very clear?
You did not do that for me.
You did that for you.
Everything that you do...
is just for yourself.
Emily, let's just go home.
I don't have a home!
[Eric groaning]
[Sound of pickup truck honking]
Hey girl!
FUCK YOU!
[Sound of pickup braking hard,
then backing up]
Is that an invitation?
[Funky radio music]
[Beer can popping open]
Oh, sorry,
I don't have any cup holders.
It's okay.
Do you wanna see my gun?
- Excuse me?
- I have a gun.
Let me show you.
- Like a real gun?
- Yeah.
- Oh! Whoa...
- It's like an antique.
Okay.
It's a .45 from 1911.
It's like literally
over a hundred years old.
Yeah, that's the math there.
You want to see the bullets too?
No, I don't. I'm actually
pretty good. Thank you.
You can put it away now.
You don't want to hold it?
Just hold it.
- I'm okay. I'm fine.
- Okay, it's harmless.
It's not gonna bite you.
It's not. It's gonna shoot me.
[Nervous laughter]
You have like...
[Nervous laughter]
I was gonna say
you've got goose bumps.
Yeah.
It's cold.
Huh...
Tickles.
You're funny.
[Theme music comes up]
Say it again!
You're funny.
I'll do it...
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
Did you wear braces?
What?
Did you ever wear braces?
You have like super nice teeth.
Shhh.
[Sounds of taking off clothes,
laughter]
Okay, love.
- I got it.
- So sexy.
Oh. You okay?
It's okay. I still have a boner.
I can't get this thing off.
It's a bralette.
It's like a training bra,
but for adults.
Ah! God!
Oh...
[Passionate sighing]
Yeah, I like it...
Oh!
- Ah!
- Ah, that felt good...
That's it.
[Theme music ends on cue]
Ah, shit.
Oh, my God.
Oh...
[Sounds of people talking]
[Sounds of ongoing party]
[Guests abruptly go silent]
Hi.
What's the occasion?
Do you wanna get
some breakfast or something?
No.
You stepped on my shoe, Dude.
Go.
We can get brunch somewhere
else.
No.
You can't smoke here.
Go.
Not on your property.
Come on smart ass, just go!
Dude, hey, what the hell!
Do you want to hang out later?
- No.
- Alright.
- Jesus Christ.
- Okay, great...
Well, awesome.
- We did just boop, you know.
- Oh God.
Alright, well, I'll call you.
I don't have your number!
I'll google you.
Alright, well, have fun.
Save a piece of cat cake for me.
[Door on pickup slamming]
[Sound of glasses tinkling]
While we all mourn the loss
of a member of our community,
it's important to think of this
as a celebration of a life.
- To Mr. Roosevelt.
- To Mr. Roosevelt.
And thank you to Melanie
for making this beautiful pie.
I flew the pecans in
from South Carolina.
But it's nothing compared
to Bethany's cake.
I just found the picture
on Facebook,
the cake shop did the rest.
Very thoughtful, Bethany.
Thank you.
Everybody,
let's take a picture together!
Okay, everybody get in.
Oh my God.
Alright.
Oh, get the pie...
in the picture and the cake,
it's so beautiful.
Beautiful!
Resident photographer here.
Group effort.
Oh and don't forget this!
You hold it.
You were like his aunt.
Okay.
Alright, everybody squeeze in.
One, two, three...
Say Mr. Roosevelt.
Mr. Roosevelt!
I got it.
Be sure to tag me.
Of course.
I want to propose a toast,
to all of you who came today.
It's been tough the past
few days for me and Eric,
but I think Mr. Roosevelt
would have really appreciated
all of us coming together.
So thank you.
- We love you.
- We love you, guys.
And I want to
especially thank Emily Martin.
If it wasn't for her, I would
never have gotten to know him.
To Emily.
To Emily.
Don't you fucking do that.
Excuse me?
I know what
you're doing, Celeste.
I don't know
what you're talking about?
"If it wasn't for her,
"I wouldn't have gotten
to know him?"
Okay, we get it.
You're amazing.
You win!
You got the guy!
You got the house!
Emily?
Sweetie...
We all understand.
It's okay. We're hurting too.
I'm sorry. Do I know you?
Oh, I'm Bonnie.
Oh okay, Bonnie,
I have a question.
Did you know him?
Did you know Teddy Roosevelt?
No, but I heard a lot about him.
Oh, you heard a lot about him.
That's the thing right there.
None of you knew him.
You're not here because
you care about Mr. Roosevelt.
You're here because
you care about yourselves.
So you can take pictures
for your Instagrams
and your Facebooks,
And you can say
"I did something, I was there."
And you, you bought pecans
from another state?
Did you overnight it?
What is that?
That's insanity!
That's fucking insane!
That's an insane thing to do!
Emily, maybe you've had
too much to drink.
You think?
Emily...
I know why you're acting out,
and it's okay.
Oh, do you?
You seem to know
everything else,
so that's not a surprise,
so why don't you
tell me Celeste why.
You just feel guilty.
Oh do I?
Yes, you feel guilty
for leaving him.
I'm actually really happy that
you and Eric found each other,
I think it's really special
what you have so...
Congratulations.
No Emily, not Eric.
Mr. Roosevelt.
IT'S JUST A FUCKING CAT!
[Everyone gasping]
No, no, no.
Emily...
Emily, put Mr. Roosevelt down.
You don't have to do this.
Emily...
Emily... Please.
Emily.
I'm sorry.
Ohhh!
Get her!
[Theme music comes up]
Mr. Roosevelt!
[Partygoers calling out]
[Theme music stops]
[Knocking]
Jen!
Okay, just calm down,
just start from the beginning.
What happened with Eric?
Okay, after we left the party,
we kind of, sort of kissed.
And then we had a fight.
And then, I don't...
I'm such a fuck-up.
I don't know why I did it...
Dude, you kissed him. I don't
see what the big deal is.
No, Jen, I fucked Art.
What?
And I woke up with him
at Eric's place.
Emily.
There were all these people
there,
and there was a cake with a picture of Mr.
Roosevelt on it.
And I freaked out
and then I took the ashes.
You took the ashes?
I took the ashes.
Bad ass.
Yeah?
So what are you going to do now?
Are you leaving tomorrow?
I don't know!
I don't know! I don't know!
You could stay here.
No. I can't, I've already
burned every bridge in Austin.
I'm gonna go back to LA, and
try to get another editing gig.
And then audition
for commercials and
be a desperate improv comedian
who never gets a real job,
and ends up being
some loser fucking waitress?
Yeah, you wouldn't want
to do that.
No, Jen...
Jen, I didn't...
Obviously, I didn't mean...
Emily, shut up!
You are amazing.
Jen, I didn't know...
I even fucked this up.
No, you didn't!
Listen, I'm you're friend,
no matter what.
But you need to grow the fuck
up.
You're not the only one in
the world with fucking problems.
You're right.
I don't deserve friends.
God, you are so self-pitying!
I'm sorry!
Stop saying you're sorry!
[Theme music comes up]
Fuck!
Fuck!
Where's my bike?
Where's my bike?
Shit, shit...
Oh my God.
Someone fucking stole my bike!
It's so fucking obvious!
Fuck everyone!
No, Jen.
Hey, buddy.
Jen, Jen, no, I don't want to.
I'm just here to help.
You can't do this to me.
- I'm here to help.
- I don't want it.
I'll hit you
with a little water.
No, no, no.
- Don't do this.
- There's nowhere to go.
No, no.
Come on, Em.
You gotta face your fears.
No.
No, no.
- Just trying to help.
- No!
- Here to help.
- NO!
[Theme music comes up
more powerfully]
[Theme music fades out]
Ahhhhhhhhh!
[Crying]
Mr. Roosevelt!
I'm sorry!
I'm so sorry!
[Crying uncontrollably]
[Sound of Emily still crying]
Jen, am I a bad person?
No...
There's no way in hell
you're a bad person.
You're a good person,
with really bad execution.
[Laughter]
You ready to do this?
[Sound of knocking]
Hi.
There's not much of him in here.
What's up?
I'm Jen.
Heard a lot about you.
I'm not sure where Eric is.
After this morning,
he just disappeared.
And he left his phone here.
I'm sure he's alright.
Emily, I was just trying
to do something nice...
with the brunch, and with you.
Okay?
I don't know how to handle
stuff like this.
Or maybe I went about it
the wrong way.
And everyone's so upset.
Everyone is so upset.
And you ran away.
And Eric is gone and I don't
even know who you are.
And I was just trying
to do something nice.
And I wanted to do
something right!
What the fuck!
This is the part where you're
supposed to start laughing.
What?
[Sound of Jen
and Emily laughing]
[Sound of Celeste laughing]
You want some?
Yeah.
I never had a pet
before Mr. Roosevelt...
Really? Never?
No.
[Front door opening]
Eric.
Where were you?
Just walking around, thinking.
- Are you wet?
- Uh-huh.
Some stuff happened.
Shall we do this?
[Sound of shoveling soil]
[Theme music comes up softly]
(Emily)
Dear Eric and Celeste,
Thank you for taking
such good care of me.
Now that I'm no longer alive, I
just want to report back and say,
the tuna in heaven is divine.
Love, Mr. Roosevelt.
PS: I know my mom Emily
was kind of a cunt,
but she's grown up a lot
over this weekend.
Thank you for showing her
what a family looks like.
She thinks you guys are building
something great together.
And the wood floors
look awesome.
PPS: Sorry I broke your thing.
I tried to fix it
as best as I could.
PPPS: Hey, just in case you didn't
know, this is Emily writing this.
[Knocking on door]
Hi, is Jen home?
I thought you were gone.
Yeah. I'm going to be leaving
I just wanted to say goodbye
to you before you left for tour.
What? I'm not going on tour.
You say that now,
but maybe this...
will change your mind.
"mdotclark79"
"This drummer is sick.
Come to Cincinnati."
The people have spoken.
They love you.
Dude, maybe I will go on tour.
Yeah you will. Guess my YouTube
came in handy for something.
Fuck yeah!
Well, Jen, I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too, man.
Bring it in. Bring it in.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah!
[Sound of women giggling]
Well, I guess that's it.
See you.
Oh, wait Jen, I almost forgot.
I am flat broke.
Can I get a ride to the airport?
- Oh, fuck you.
- Okay.
- I'll get my keys.
- Okay.
[Theme music comes up]