Mr. Stink (2012) Movie Script
1
'Mr Stink stank. He also stunk.
'He was the stinkiest stinker
who ever lived.'
Urgh! Duchess!
Chloe!
Oh, hello, Pippa.
Do you want to come to my sleepover
tomorrow night? It'll be epic.
Yeah, I'd love to.
Oh, you can't come, I just
wondered if you wanted to!
Awkward!
I hit him! How genius am I?
Run along now, I'm a very busy man.
The Duchess and I both find children
rather aggravating.
I came to say sorry about
the banana skin.
Did you throw it?
No! It was this girl, Pippa,
from my school.
The little wretch is lucky
I didn't sling it back.
My auntie just sent me 5
in a Christmas card.
Oooh! Good old Auntie.
I wanted you to have it.
To buy a blanket, or some soap?
Thank you,
but I have no use for soap.
I had a bath only last year.
Please shut the door
on your way out.
I'm only trying to help!
All right. Help if you must!
Now, the Duchess is always hungry.
Would you be kind enough
to bring the old girl a sausage?
Yes, I will!
I'm Chloe, by the way.
What's your name?
Stink. Mr Stink.
Now, why are you called that?
I have absolutely no idea.
One moment, child.
I'm sorry.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
For goodness sake, girl,
do something!
I was thinking.
Day-dreaming, more like.
Sorry, I just...
Shh! Don't distract me
whilst I am working.
This by-election is vital for me.
I could be a Member of Parliament
in a matter of days.
Where's the dinner? Annabel has
trombone practice in eight minutes.
Maybe she could give it
a miss tonight?
Then how will she be crowned
Young Musician of the Year, hmm?
Tell me that?
What are you attempting to cook?
From your favourite Look, I'm Posh
range, "Duck ale orange".
"Duck a l'orange."
Translated, "Duck a l'orange"
means "Duck to the orange".
Well done, my darling.
Have another gold star.
Merci beaucoup, Maman.
I'm removing Chloe's star
for day-dreaming.
Thank you, my angel.
Can we have sausages tomorrow?
Yeah! Of course!
No we can't!
They are incredibly plebeian.
Chloe, how about asking a friend
back after school some time?
Yeah, maybe one day.
These are from the premium range?
And they are not past
their sell-by date? No!
Have you got any more?
No, and you're quite ungrateful
for a...
Come, come, say it, "tramp".
Homeless person.
Whereas for a child,
you're typically ill-mannered.
Do you want me to wash that for you?
No need.
LOUDSPEAKER: 'Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention please?'
My name is Mrs Caroline Croom
and I have a dream.
A dream of living in a country
I can be truly proud of.
To the unemployed I say, "Get a job!"
To asylum seekers I say,
"Seek some asylum elsewhere!"
What an awful racket.
To the homeless I say,
"Have a proper wash and
get a foot on the property ladder."
Vote Croom. Aaargh!
Hello, Chloe! My favourite customer.
Hello, Raj.
I have Rolos on special offer.
They are only a year out of date.
No, thanks, Raj.
Half a Lion Bar? Shall we say 15p?
Erm, no thank you.
28 Crunchie Bars
for the price of 27?
No!
Hey! What's with the frowny face?
Please share with your Uncle Raj.
Well, I've met this tramp
who really smells.
I know the man you mean - the
stench does make your eyes water.
Pooooiiiieee!
I was wondering whether
I should try to help him?
Of course you should!
A tramp is just someone
without a home.
Any of us could be homeless one day.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
But if my mum finds out
she will do her nut.
So, what are you going to buy
your tramp friend for Christmas?
I have a box full of Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles stationery sets
I can't seem to shift.
Yours for only 3.99.
I'm not sure he really needs one of
those. They are on special offer!
You have your Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles notepad,
Teenage Mutant Ninja... Oh.
3, 2, 1...action!
Thank you for visiting my website,
VoteCroom.com.
It's Crumb.
Croom! Now when I am elected...
If!
..WHEN I am elected as your
Member of Parliament,
I promise to introduce a curfew
so that all children under
the age of 25 are indoors by 8pm.
And ban the wearing of
leggings in public,
as they are awfully common.
Most importantly of all,
the homeless will be removed
from the streets.
Soap dodgers, portable wine-tasting
clubs, urban campers,
call them what you will -
they are a menace to society.
Thank you.
I forgot to press record.
Ow!
Just checking you are
doing your homework.
Yes, yes I am. In fact I am just
doing my maths homework right now.
Let me see.
I'm just in the middle of...
"Flesh-eating zombie
bullies must die"?
It's a story I wrote.
Do they do maths,
these flesh-eating zombies? No...
Must they die because they got
their long division wrong?
There is no maths in here
whatsoever!
So this is what you do
all day at school, is it?
No!
Come along, Annabel, Mandarin class.
No blowing off in the night
and blaming it on me.
I might just sit up-wind.
So she has returned.
I've decided to opt out of society,
like you.
You think I opt out, child?
Er, yeah.
Just because I don't have an iPlop
wedged in my ear all the time?
Shall we discuss this
over a Frappuccilinone?
It's called a Frappuccino.
Not the way I make it.
What a lovely aroma!
Abandon shop!
They're sometimes
a bit funny about dogs.
Right-o, a frappuccilinone for you,
and for me,
something I'm tentatively
calling a caramelamochamocha.
You're cleverer than you look,
aren't you?
We are all more than we look.
Be confident, child, fear nobody.
What's wrong at home?
How do you know?
If everything was fine
you wouldn't be spending
your afternoons
with an old vagabond like me.
Mum ripped up my story.
You write stories?
Yeah, but she ripped it up.
I hate her.
Hate is a strong word.
I'm sure your mother loves you.
She's distracted by
the possibility of power.
Megaphones
do very queer things to folk.
Mum only loves my little sister
Annabel.
Annabel's always at some
stupid class or other.
Archery, ice dancing,
Arabic, ski-jumping,
and that's just this morning.
Right now she'll be at ballet.
My ballet dancing days are over.
I fear I shall never dance
'Giselle' again!
I was actually rather good.
But you know my and The Duchess's
views on children.
But it can't be easy
being your little sister.
Oh, no, it's Pippa!
"...No-one hires a pink limo
for birthdays anymore."
And he's all, "really?"
I mean, my dad, he's such a...
Oh, Chloe?
Who's this, your new boyfriend?
You must be Pippa.
Yeah.
Does anyone call you Pippa Pig?
No.
They should.
You stink!
I think you'll find...
Ooh, one moment.
Buuuuurp!
My apologies. There's never
any excuse for belching.
Must be the coffee repeating on me.
Some people think homeless people
should be driven off the streets.
And I think some streetless people
should be driven off their homes.
You don't need to be homeless.
You could come and live in our shed.
No, the Duchess and I
need the open road,
a ceiling of stars, fresh air and...
Mind you, it is ruddy cold today.
Maybe just for the night.
Such unimaginable kindness.
Sorry, it's just a shed,
but at least it gets you
off the streets for a while.
There's no en-suite,
but there is a bucket.
A bucket, very la-di-da!
Oh!
Serpents of Doom?
It's my dad! He never told me
he was in a rock band.
I'm afraid I don't follow
the hit parade.
Why's it all burned?
And why did he never tell me?
We all have our secrets, Miss Chloe.
"D"?
Yes, this belonged to my friend,
Dave.
Good old Dave. Where is Dave now?
With his huge head and...
It says Darlington
on the other side.
What's your secret, Mr Stink?
How did you end up living on the
streets? Are you an escaped convict?
No. A spy?
A billionaire who lost all his money
at a casino playing top trumps?
No, but you should put that
in a story. Most amusing.
Are you running away? I'm not
telling you, so please be quiet!
Right. I'm ready for
my afternoon tea now.
I'm sorry?
Earl Grey, a selection of
sandwiches, scones with plum jam
and Cornish clotted cream.
I've got half a Milky Way
from Raj's shop.
Perfect.
If you need anything else, shine
this torch up at my bedroom window.
Good night, Mr Stink.
You look guilty.
No, I don't!
You sound guilty too.
As school has broken up,
you can be on leaflet duty today.
Why can't Annabel do it?
She's off to
Battle Re-enactment Society.
Get your coat. Quickly.
Dad?! Sssh! Ow!
Why are you hiding?
I thought I saw a pigeon
fly in here.
All right, the truth is...
I like to pretend I'm Harry Potter
in my spare time.
Dad!
OK. I was given the push
from factory last month.
Loads of us were.
But I don't dare tell your mother.
Maybe it's time you stand up to her.
It's not a good time,
with this whole MP thing.
We found your CDs in the shed.
You were in The Serpents Of Gloom!
The Serpents of DOOM!
And who's "we"?
I'm experimenting
with the Royal "we". Like Mum.
Was it her who burnt your guitar?
How did you...? No!
It... caught fire
in a freak lightning strike! Dad!
Yes, she burnt it.
Hurry up!
Promise you won't say a thing
about this to your mother.
Chloe! What are you doing in there?
Nothing!
Oh, I need my coat.
Annabel!
Good girl!
Can I count on your vote
in the by-election? No?
Take a leaflet, you old git!
Can I count on your vote?
Come back!
You know you can walk perfectly well,
it's sheer idleness!
Vote Mrs Caroline Croom!
I'm just popping in to Raj's.
Good plan. I'll give him some flyers.
Wait there, eyes and teeth.
Ah, good morning, good morning.
Hi, Raj.
This must be your sister!
Oh! No, shopkeeper!
No, I'm Chloe's mother.
Oh.
Can I rely on your vote?
What are you on? The X-Factor?
No, shopkeeper.
I'm standing to be the local MP.
So what do you think are the big
issues affecting this country today?
Coffee Revels.
What?
I feel strongly that Coffee Revels
should be banned.
They ruin what is otherwise
a very enjoyable snack.
Anything else? Asylum seekers?
Benefit cheats?
Cadbury's Creme Eggs. They should
be available all year round,
not just at Easter.
Right. If you promise to change
the law on these issues,
you can rely on my vote.
In that case, I promise.
Thank you. Come along, Chloe.
How is your tramp?
What did you say?
Er...
Nothing!
You said something about a tramp.
He said "how's your stamp?"
Yes, I sold your daughter a stamp
and I was wondering how it was.
Before you go, can I interest you
in some luxury stationery?
As an MP, you'll need
a quality product
for when you write
to the Prime Minister.
It's by the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles.
You have your Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles pencil sharpener,
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...
Oh.
The apathy of the voting public
is a disgrace.
Maybe they don't like your ideas
about the homeless.
The homeless are people too,
you know.
If they were people, they'd use
shower gel, have loyalty cards
and a choice of shoes.
The Prime Minister could try
and do more. He's got three houses.
Go to your room.
Don't you dare criticise
that giant amongst men.
Talking about me again?
How was your day, love?
Go on, up to your room.
Get back in the shed!
Get back in the shed!
Room service.
Tea and biccies.
Look, don't mind your mum,
she's just under a lot of pressure.
She's on TV tomorrow morning.
On TV? Yeah, being interviewed
cos of this whole by-election.
It's so boring.
Dad - time to take me
to kestrel training!
I wish someone would shoot
that damn bird.
Coming, my angel!
'I stand before you today
'not just as a Prime Minister,
but also as a man.'
Do we have to watch this clown
every night?
Yes, we do. And he's not a clown.
He's our glorious leader.
'And if I could quote the great
Bryan Adams -
'you know it's true.
'Everything I do,
'I do it for you.'
No wonder I sleep bad. It's like
having a pile of cheese before bed.
What kept you?
Shush!
What?! I said shush!
Oh.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
Ear plugs!
They don't look like ear plugs.
Rabbit droppings, Miss Chloe.
A cheaper alternative.
This is amazing.
Just doing what folk do
when they move into a new home.
Sorry I couldn't get here
earlier. I was sent to my room.
Is this shortbread all-butter?
Yes!
What did you want?
Oh, yes - I can't get to sleep.
I want a bedtime story.
Um, I don't know any.
Of course you do.
What about the one your mother ripped
up? About the vampire bullies.
Zombie bullies!
That's the one.
I think your coat might have
dropped in something bad.
Story!
"In the graveyard,
the three bullies rose,
"snarling from the dead..."
I like it already.
Shh!
"Only one girl could stop them."
Good night, Duchess.
"She lay there, unaware
that the next few days
would change her life for ever..."
"The zombie bullies
lay headless on the ground,
"their toes twitching
and smouldering
"until finally, slowly,
"they fell still.
"The end."
Goodnight, Mr Stink.
"Lord and Lady Darlington."
"Darlington House, Oxfordshire."
What are you up to?
Shh, you'll wake everyone up.
I said, what are you up...
Ow!
What's that awful smell?
What on earth is going on?
I need my beauty sleep.
You know I'm on TV
first thing in the morning.
What's that awful smell?
I saw Chloe going in and out of
the shed with some food.
She's got someone in there.
Are you hiding someone in there?
No.
I don't believe you.
What's that awful smell?
I need you to go down to the shed.
Me? Yes, you.
I know it's on your to-do list,
but I'm not strimming at this time
of night!
Your daughter is hiding someone
in there.
No, I'm not!
Let's all go back to bed,
I know I need to pee...
All right, I'll go!
No you won't,
this is mans' work!
ALL: Ugh!
Hello? Anyone there? No.
There's no-one there.
Completely empty.
In fact, I've never seen a shed
so empty of people...
You're overdoing it.
Sorry!
Chloe...!
I was going to tell you, Dad.
I know Mum doesn't like the homeless
but it's cold and he had nowhere
else to go.
All right! For the time being.
Promise you won't tell Mum?
If you don't tell her about me
losing my job.
Promise.
So we're live in ten seconds.
Ten, nine...
Don't forget to smile, everybody!
Eyes and teeth!
This is stupid! Shut your face!
Hello, we're at the home of
by-election candidate Mrs Crumb.
Uh, it's Croom. It's Crumb.
You seem to have the perfect
family life. Yes, I do.
And yet you're entering the, some
would say, murky world of politics.
Where there is murk,
I will bring light. Where there is...
Yet your policies include
a pledge to drive the homeless
off the streets.
I believe that the homeless...
Who washed my coat?!
Sorry, um, you believe
the homeless should...?
Should be...
..invited by everyone to
live in their garden sheds.
He wasn't there when I looked.
Yes, invite the homeless
into your shed.
Sorry, can I ask you - what's it
like living with this family?
The service is painfully slow
and there could be a much wider
selection of biscuits.
And the worst thing is,
they wash your coat without asking!
Well, that's all for the Crumb
family and...
What's your name? Stink. Stink.
Mr Stink.
Mr Stink. And he certainly does.
Back to the studio.
I actually think that went
rather well, love.
Sorry about washing your coat.
I keep my private articles
in this coat.
I'm sorry, I just thought...
But you didn't think. I knew
I should never have stayed here.
Please.
That's the problem with do-gooding.
In the end, its all about the doer
rather than the do-ee. No...
So you end up with doo-doo.
Goodbye.
Hiya, love!
There's someone asleep
under the leaves!
He won't hear you!
He wears ear plugs made of poo!
Be confident. Fear nobody.
Stop!
Sorry.
Who washed my coat?!
Wow.
Can you tell Annabelle dinner's
ready? Can't we let her sleep?
She's really tired.
Nonsense, she's a human dynamo.
And she's got Channel swimming
training first thing
tomorrow morning. She needs to eat.
Annabelle!
Hello, Croom residence.
BOTH: Crumb residence.
Politics Tonight? The TV programme?
Yes, I'd be delighted!
You want that tramp as well?
No, no, I won't appear with him.
Ill see you there in an hour.
They won't have me on without HIM.
Where is he?
I don't know.
Well, let's go out and find him.
Stop!
Sorry about your coat.
So am I. It stinks of
Ocean Breeze now.
I can be a bit of an old grump
sometimes.
Me, too!
You get used to it after a while.
It defeats me
why he has to appear, too.
Mr Stink is an internet sensation.
He's gone viral.
I'm not surprised -
he's probably teeming with lice.
You'll be pleased to know
I'm louse-free.
Thank the Lord for small mercies.
Although I'm no stranger to worms.
Welcome. With just over a week to
go until a crucial by-election,
we have representatives
from all the major parties,
and a homeless man
who goes by the name of... Mr Stink.
Would this be a good time
to use the lavatory?
No, we are on live television.
Not a number two,
just a number one.
No! Now...
Although sometimes you're having
a number one and you think,
"Hello, now I need a number two..."
Lets get on with the programme,
shall we?
Can I have the first question,
please? Yes, lady there.
Good evening.
One moment, please.
Should we...
Um, with hundreds of thousands
of people sleeping rough
on our streets,
should we all invite
a homeless person
into our home for Christmas?
Perhaps you'd care to start us off,
Mrs Crumb.
In fact it's Croom.
BOTH: It's Crumb.
Yes, out of the kindness
of my heart, I invited
this filthy beggar man
out of the cold to come
and live in our garden shed.
If I have a fault,
it's that I'm too nice.
That's a great big pile
of steaming poo!
Id go even further and say
it is a great big pile of poo
with a cherry on top!
It was your daughter who invited me
to live in the shed.
Well, I, um...
In fact, Miss Chloe is here tonight.
I've been sleeping rough
for half a lifetime.
I'm a difficult man.
Ask the Duchess.
But this young girl persisted
with me.
If everyone in the country
were like her...
Well, it'd be horrible -
60 million spotty 12-year-olds.
If everyone were like her, perhaps
we'd have no more homelessness.
We homeless aren't a statistic.
We are people.
So, Mrs Crumb, why did you lie?
Was it perhaps to further
your election campaign?
No, no...
Oh, come now.
I for one would welcome Mr Stink
into my house.
You wouldn't, you big fat liar!
He absolutely reeks.
Flies run away screaming.
He stinks!
Well, that's got the programme
off to a lively start.
We should have you on every week.
You couldn't afford me, dear.
DISTANT SHOUTING: We want Stink!
We want Stink! We want Stink...!
Mr Stink!
Mr Stink, wake up!
Good morning, Miss Chloe.
Tell Cook Ill have a kipper.
No! Half the town's
turned up to see you!
Why would they do that?
They watched you on telly last night.
They love you.
I can't believe the PM
has deselected me.
Well, not just that.
He's thrown you out of the party.
Thank you!
OK, so you've suffered a tiny setback
in your political ambitions.
No, its all over for me.
Because of...
..THAT creature.
Sorry, Mum.
Can I peel you an orange?
Stay away from my fruit!
Be confident. Fear nobody.
Where's your wetsuit?
It's too cold. I don't want to go.
What?
I said I don't want to go.
Let's give her a break, love.
Let her be a little girl again.
By the way, I lost my job
two months ago
and I've been hiding in the cupboard
under the stairs. There, I said it.
Hello, Cherry Crumb.
Croom.
It's Crumb! It's Crumb.
It's the Prime Minister.
He's changed his mind!
OK, I'll pass you over.
Hello, Stink speaking...
Uh-huh. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes. What's he saying?
I have no idea. I must still have
a rabbit dropping in that ear.
Ah, that's better.
I see. Let me think about that
for a moment, sir.
The PM says there's a vacancy
as candidate now Mrs Crumb's
been sacked,
and would I like to stand?
You must! Think of all the good
you could do for homeless people.
Fine. I'll see you this afternoon.
What's your address...?
Let me write that down.
10 Downing Street. Thank you
so much. Goodbye.
You're meeting a head of state, pal.
You do...
need a... bath.
Then I shall have a bath.
With knobs on.
Chloe!
Mr Stink! What on earth
do you think you're doing?
In the words of
12-year-olds everywhere,
"Duh, I'm having a bath!"
I think you'll find...
Although technically
I suppose I'm having a pond!
We ran you a nice, hot bath.
Indoor baths are most unhygienic.
Mrs Crumb, would you be good enough
to pass me that towel?
Child. Avert thine eyes.
Thank you, my good woman.
Unimaginable kindness.
Clean as a whistle.
What do you call a man
who has paper trousers?
"I don't know, Sid." Russell!
Do you get it?
So nice not to be doing anything
for once. Thanks.
Um, do you fancy helping me?
OK. What are we doing?
Are you sure I need one of these
make-overs?
You need to look your best for
the Prime Minister.
This is fun!
There!
Perfect!
What about the Duchess?
Maybe it's a tiny bit too much.
CHANTING: We want Stink!
We want Stink!
Mr Stink!
The Guardian. Do you find the name
Mr Stink demeaning and offensive?
The Sun. Is it true you have worms?
People of Britain.
Many of us, to quote the poet,
"Live lives of quiet desperation,
"and go to our graves
with the song still in us."
So try not to do that.
And to prevent it happening
to others, look around you
and be generous and kind,
although don't put people's clothes
in the washing machine
without their permission.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a Prime Minister to meet.
Good-day.
Oh, that stinks! Can we go
via the high street, please?
I thought we'd find them here.
Chloe, this is a very serious
moment. You have a choice.
You can shout something horrible
and vengeful at Pippa,
or you can be the bigger person
and reach out to her.
BOTH: Losers!
Hello, mate. Good afternoon,
Prime Minister. Call me Steve.
A Croom in Downing Street! Finally!
Get your hands out
of your pockets, Chloe!
I could use you. Use me?
Yep, use you. I mean 'use'
in a good way.
It's not secret, my approval rating
is currently...
Very poor.
Quite poor, and... do you have to
play that while I'm talking?
No.
And I can't afford to lose
this by-election next week.
Well, Prime Minister,
I'm no politician,
but there is a great deal
I could help you with.
There's an urgent need for more
shelters for the homeless like me.
Yep yep yep...
Does it do any tricks?
My team have come up with
a campaign for you to spearhead.
You're going to love this -
Hug a Homeless!
Not for too long, eh? Ha-ha!
Let's go.
What?
We have to be getting back
to the real world.
But you're the funny old tramp.
This would be great for me!
Prime Minister?
Shoot.
You can stick your job offer
up your fat bum. Good-day.
You're fired.
Wet wipe. Wet wipe!
I can't believe you told me to say
that. I can't believe you said it!
You know who I am,
don't you, Miss Chloe?
Yeah. I saw some of your things
when I washed your coat.
I'm sorry...
Lord Darlington.
I Googled you.
I don't know what that is,
but it sounds painful.
A long time ago I had it all.
Money, fancy friends,
a house with more wings
than a bucket of KFG chicken.
KFC.
And a beautiful wife,
my childhood sweetheart, Agatha.
Shortly after that photograph
was taken she fell pregnant.
The baby was due around
this time of year, actually.
But one night I left her on her own
so I could play cards
with friends at my club.
When I finally returned home,
Darlington House was on fire...
No!
A burning ember must have fallen out
of the fireplace onto the carpet.
My poor Agatha..
It's OK.
It will never be OK...
It was an accident,
you can't blame yourself.
But I do.
So how did you end up
living on the streets?
After the funeral I just couldn't
go back to the house.
I had to get away,
I didn't know where to go.
So I just started to walk...
..and kept on walking.
Christmas must be
the hardest time of year for you.
More for the Duchess, really.
She tends to drink heavily
and hide under a big pile of leaves
until it's all over.
I know I'm not much fun
to be around.
I wish I could make
everything right.
You have, child.
Since you came to talk to me
that day
I've been a hundred times happier.
Me too...
I want to go wandering with you.
Absolutely not.
This is your home.
It's not my home, it's her home.
I can't spend another night there.
Are you sure? Yes.
Then I had better
speak to your mother.
Coming, Mr Stink.
You want to leave home?
I thought you wouldn't mind.
Wouldn't mind?!
Chloe, you're my daughter!
I love you.
Do you? Yes!
Mr Stink just - can we call him
something else, darling?
I don't know, like, Geoffrey?
Anyway, Geoffrey just gave me
a very stern talking-to.
I realise now
how important family is.
I'm so sorry, Chloe.
I hope you can forgive me.
Of course.
I love you too, Mum.
I've got a surprise for you!
Cover your eyes.
Wow!
It's going to be all right,
you know, Chloe.
This is going to be
the best Christmas ever.
How'd you do that?
Why don't you go and offer
our guest a drink?
You don't still believe
homeless people
should be kept off the streets,
do you, love?
No, I don't. Good.
They should be kept
in some sort of camp.
Unimaginable kindness.
So I said to the Prime Minister,
"You can stick your job offer up
your fat.. " How old are you?
Nearly ten.
"..fat bum."
This is for you.
I read it. You have a real talent
for writing, Chloe.
Thanks, Mum.
And this is for you, my darling.
A guitar! I love it!
I want to play it right now!
This is for you...
Quantum physics!
Thank you, Mama!
Now, I fell in love
with your father
when he was in the Serpents of Doom
all those years ago.
I wanted him to get a proper job...
..and got rid of his guitar!
And now you can hear why!
Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even...
Mr Stink!
The Duchess and I
have decided to wander on.
But why? We all want you to stay.
My soul is restless.
But it's so cold! Don't worry.
I prefer sleeping
in the great outdoors.
On our wedding night, Agatha showed
me the brightest star in the sky.
We stood out on the balcony
and she said she would love me
for as long as that star
kept shining.
So every night, as I go sleep I gaze
at the star, and it's her I see.
And you see that little star
just under it?
Yes?
You are very special,
and so when I look at that star,
I am going to think about you.
Thank you, Mr Stink.
I completely forgot!
I saved up my loose change
and I bought you this.
Happy Christmas.
It's the best present ever.
You can write your stories in it.
I haven't got anything for you.
You've given me more than enough,
child. You've given me hope.
Goodbye, Miss Chloe.
Goodbye, Mr Stink.
Bye, Duchess.
Mr Stink stank. He also stunk.
He was the stinkiest stinker
who ever lived.
'Mr Stink stank. He also stunk.
'He was the stinkiest stinker
who ever lived.'
Urgh! Duchess!
Chloe!
Oh, hello, Pippa.
Do you want to come to my sleepover
tomorrow night? It'll be epic.
Yeah, I'd love to.
Oh, you can't come, I just
wondered if you wanted to!
Awkward!
I hit him! How genius am I?
Run along now, I'm a very busy man.
The Duchess and I both find children
rather aggravating.
I came to say sorry about
the banana skin.
Did you throw it?
No! It was this girl, Pippa,
from my school.
The little wretch is lucky
I didn't sling it back.
My auntie just sent me 5
in a Christmas card.
Oooh! Good old Auntie.
I wanted you to have it.
To buy a blanket, or some soap?
Thank you,
but I have no use for soap.
I had a bath only last year.
Please shut the door
on your way out.
I'm only trying to help!
All right. Help if you must!
Now, the Duchess is always hungry.
Would you be kind enough
to bring the old girl a sausage?
Yes, I will!
I'm Chloe, by the way.
What's your name?
Stink. Mr Stink.
Now, why are you called that?
I have absolutely no idea.
One moment, child.
I'm sorry.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
For goodness sake, girl,
do something!
I was thinking.
Day-dreaming, more like.
Sorry, I just...
Shh! Don't distract me
whilst I am working.
This by-election is vital for me.
I could be a Member of Parliament
in a matter of days.
Where's the dinner? Annabel has
trombone practice in eight minutes.
Maybe she could give it
a miss tonight?
Then how will she be crowned
Young Musician of the Year, hmm?
Tell me that?
What are you attempting to cook?
From your favourite Look, I'm Posh
range, "Duck ale orange".
"Duck a l'orange."
Translated, "Duck a l'orange"
means "Duck to the orange".
Well done, my darling.
Have another gold star.
Merci beaucoup, Maman.
I'm removing Chloe's star
for day-dreaming.
Thank you, my angel.
Can we have sausages tomorrow?
Yeah! Of course!
No we can't!
They are incredibly plebeian.
Chloe, how about asking a friend
back after school some time?
Yeah, maybe one day.
These are from the premium range?
And they are not past
their sell-by date? No!
Have you got any more?
No, and you're quite ungrateful
for a...
Come, come, say it, "tramp".
Homeless person.
Whereas for a child,
you're typically ill-mannered.
Do you want me to wash that for you?
No need.
LOUDSPEAKER: 'Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention please?'
My name is Mrs Caroline Croom
and I have a dream.
A dream of living in a country
I can be truly proud of.
To the unemployed I say, "Get a job!"
To asylum seekers I say,
"Seek some asylum elsewhere!"
What an awful racket.
To the homeless I say,
"Have a proper wash and
get a foot on the property ladder."
Vote Croom. Aaargh!
Hello, Chloe! My favourite customer.
Hello, Raj.
I have Rolos on special offer.
They are only a year out of date.
No, thanks, Raj.
Half a Lion Bar? Shall we say 15p?
Erm, no thank you.
28 Crunchie Bars
for the price of 27?
No!
Hey! What's with the frowny face?
Please share with your Uncle Raj.
Well, I've met this tramp
who really smells.
I know the man you mean - the
stench does make your eyes water.
Pooooiiiieee!
I was wondering whether
I should try to help him?
Of course you should!
A tramp is just someone
without a home.
Any of us could be homeless one day.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
But if my mum finds out
she will do her nut.
So, what are you going to buy
your tramp friend for Christmas?
I have a box full of Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles stationery sets
I can't seem to shift.
Yours for only 3.99.
I'm not sure he really needs one of
those. They are on special offer!
You have your Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles notepad,
Teenage Mutant Ninja... Oh.
3, 2, 1...action!
Thank you for visiting my website,
VoteCroom.com.
It's Crumb.
Croom! Now when I am elected...
If!
..WHEN I am elected as your
Member of Parliament,
I promise to introduce a curfew
so that all children under
the age of 25 are indoors by 8pm.
And ban the wearing of
leggings in public,
as they are awfully common.
Most importantly of all,
the homeless will be removed
from the streets.
Soap dodgers, portable wine-tasting
clubs, urban campers,
call them what you will -
they are a menace to society.
Thank you.
I forgot to press record.
Ow!
Just checking you are
doing your homework.
Yes, yes I am. In fact I am just
doing my maths homework right now.
Let me see.
I'm just in the middle of...
"Flesh-eating zombie
bullies must die"?
It's a story I wrote.
Do they do maths,
these flesh-eating zombies? No...
Must they die because they got
their long division wrong?
There is no maths in here
whatsoever!
So this is what you do
all day at school, is it?
No!
Come along, Annabel, Mandarin class.
No blowing off in the night
and blaming it on me.
I might just sit up-wind.
So she has returned.
I've decided to opt out of society,
like you.
You think I opt out, child?
Er, yeah.
Just because I don't have an iPlop
wedged in my ear all the time?
Shall we discuss this
over a Frappuccilinone?
It's called a Frappuccino.
Not the way I make it.
What a lovely aroma!
Abandon shop!
They're sometimes
a bit funny about dogs.
Right-o, a frappuccilinone for you,
and for me,
something I'm tentatively
calling a caramelamochamocha.
You're cleverer than you look,
aren't you?
We are all more than we look.
Be confident, child, fear nobody.
What's wrong at home?
How do you know?
If everything was fine
you wouldn't be spending
your afternoons
with an old vagabond like me.
Mum ripped up my story.
You write stories?
Yeah, but she ripped it up.
I hate her.
Hate is a strong word.
I'm sure your mother loves you.
She's distracted by
the possibility of power.
Megaphones
do very queer things to folk.
Mum only loves my little sister
Annabel.
Annabel's always at some
stupid class or other.
Archery, ice dancing,
Arabic, ski-jumping,
and that's just this morning.
Right now she'll be at ballet.
My ballet dancing days are over.
I fear I shall never dance
'Giselle' again!
I was actually rather good.
But you know my and The Duchess's
views on children.
But it can't be easy
being your little sister.
Oh, no, it's Pippa!
"...No-one hires a pink limo
for birthdays anymore."
And he's all, "really?"
I mean, my dad, he's such a...
Oh, Chloe?
Who's this, your new boyfriend?
You must be Pippa.
Yeah.
Does anyone call you Pippa Pig?
No.
They should.
You stink!
I think you'll find...
Ooh, one moment.
Buuuuurp!
My apologies. There's never
any excuse for belching.
Must be the coffee repeating on me.
Some people think homeless people
should be driven off the streets.
And I think some streetless people
should be driven off their homes.
You don't need to be homeless.
You could come and live in our shed.
No, the Duchess and I
need the open road,
a ceiling of stars, fresh air and...
Mind you, it is ruddy cold today.
Maybe just for the night.
Such unimaginable kindness.
Sorry, it's just a shed,
but at least it gets you
off the streets for a while.
There's no en-suite,
but there is a bucket.
A bucket, very la-di-da!
Oh!
Serpents of Doom?
It's my dad! He never told me
he was in a rock band.
I'm afraid I don't follow
the hit parade.
Why's it all burned?
And why did he never tell me?
We all have our secrets, Miss Chloe.
"D"?
Yes, this belonged to my friend,
Dave.
Good old Dave. Where is Dave now?
With his huge head and...
It says Darlington
on the other side.
What's your secret, Mr Stink?
How did you end up living on the
streets? Are you an escaped convict?
No. A spy?
A billionaire who lost all his money
at a casino playing top trumps?
No, but you should put that
in a story. Most amusing.
Are you running away? I'm not
telling you, so please be quiet!
Right. I'm ready for
my afternoon tea now.
I'm sorry?
Earl Grey, a selection of
sandwiches, scones with plum jam
and Cornish clotted cream.
I've got half a Milky Way
from Raj's shop.
Perfect.
If you need anything else, shine
this torch up at my bedroom window.
Good night, Mr Stink.
You look guilty.
No, I don't!
You sound guilty too.
As school has broken up,
you can be on leaflet duty today.
Why can't Annabel do it?
She's off to
Battle Re-enactment Society.
Get your coat. Quickly.
Dad?! Sssh! Ow!
Why are you hiding?
I thought I saw a pigeon
fly in here.
All right, the truth is...
I like to pretend I'm Harry Potter
in my spare time.
Dad!
OK. I was given the push
from factory last month.
Loads of us were.
But I don't dare tell your mother.
Maybe it's time you stand up to her.
It's not a good time,
with this whole MP thing.
We found your CDs in the shed.
You were in The Serpents Of Gloom!
The Serpents of DOOM!
And who's "we"?
I'm experimenting
with the Royal "we". Like Mum.
Was it her who burnt your guitar?
How did you...? No!
It... caught fire
in a freak lightning strike! Dad!
Yes, she burnt it.
Hurry up!
Promise you won't say a thing
about this to your mother.
Chloe! What are you doing in there?
Nothing!
Oh, I need my coat.
Annabel!
Good girl!
Can I count on your vote
in the by-election? No?
Take a leaflet, you old git!
Can I count on your vote?
Come back!
You know you can walk perfectly well,
it's sheer idleness!
Vote Mrs Caroline Croom!
I'm just popping in to Raj's.
Good plan. I'll give him some flyers.
Wait there, eyes and teeth.
Ah, good morning, good morning.
Hi, Raj.
This must be your sister!
Oh! No, shopkeeper!
No, I'm Chloe's mother.
Oh.
Can I rely on your vote?
What are you on? The X-Factor?
No, shopkeeper.
I'm standing to be the local MP.
So what do you think are the big
issues affecting this country today?
Coffee Revels.
What?
I feel strongly that Coffee Revels
should be banned.
They ruin what is otherwise
a very enjoyable snack.
Anything else? Asylum seekers?
Benefit cheats?
Cadbury's Creme Eggs. They should
be available all year round,
not just at Easter.
Right. If you promise to change
the law on these issues,
you can rely on my vote.
In that case, I promise.
Thank you. Come along, Chloe.
How is your tramp?
What did you say?
Er...
Nothing!
You said something about a tramp.
He said "how's your stamp?"
Yes, I sold your daughter a stamp
and I was wondering how it was.
Before you go, can I interest you
in some luxury stationery?
As an MP, you'll need
a quality product
for when you write
to the Prime Minister.
It's by the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles.
You have your Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles pencil sharpener,
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...
Oh.
The apathy of the voting public
is a disgrace.
Maybe they don't like your ideas
about the homeless.
The homeless are people too,
you know.
If they were people, they'd use
shower gel, have loyalty cards
and a choice of shoes.
The Prime Minister could try
and do more. He's got three houses.
Go to your room.
Don't you dare criticise
that giant amongst men.
Talking about me again?
How was your day, love?
Go on, up to your room.
Get back in the shed!
Get back in the shed!
Room service.
Tea and biccies.
Look, don't mind your mum,
she's just under a lot of pressure.
She's on TV tomorrow morning.
On TV? Yeah, being interviewed
cos of this whole by-election.
It's so boring.
Dad - time to take me
to kestrel training!
I wish someone would shoot
that damn bird.
Coming, my angel!
'I stand before you today
'not just as a Prime Minister,
but also as a man.'
Do we have to watch this clown
every night?
Yes, we do. And he's not a clown.
He's our glorious leader.
'And if I could quote the great
Bryan Adams -
'you know it's true.
'Everything I do,
'I do it for you.'
No wonder I sleep bad. It's like
having a pile of cheese before bed.
What kept you?
Shush!
What?! I said shush!
Oh.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
Ear plugs!
They don't look like ear plugs.
Rabbit droppings, Miss Chloe.
A cheaper alternative.
This is amazing.
Just doing what folk do
when they move into a new home.
Sorry I couldn't get here
earlier. I was sent to my room.
Is this shortbread all-butter?
Yes!
What did you want?
Oh, yes - I can't get to sleep.
I want a bedtime story.
Um, I don't know any.
Of course you do.
What about the one your mother ripped
up? About the vampire bullies.
Zombie bullies!
That's the one.
I think your coat might have
dropped in something bad.
Story!
"In the graveyard,
the three bullies rose,
"snarling from the dead..."
I like it already.
Shh!
"Only one girl could stop them."
Good night, Duchess.
"She lay there, unaware
that the next few days
would change her life for ever..."
"The zombie bullies
lay headless on the ground,
"their toes twitching
and smouldering
"until finally, slowly,
"they fell still.
"The end."
Goodnight, Mr Stink.
"Lord and Lady Darlington."
"Darlington House, Oxfordshire."
What are you up to?
Shh, you'll wake everyone up.
I said, what are you up...
Ow!
What's that awful smell?
What on earth is going on?
I need my beauty sleep.
You know I'm on TV
first thing in the morning.
What's that awful smell?
I saw Chloe going in and out of
the shed with some food.
She's got someone in there.
Are you hiding someone in there?
No.
I don't believe you.
What's that awful smell?
I need you to go down to the shed.
Me? Yes, you.
I know it's on your to-do list,
but I'm not strimming at this time
of night!
Your daughter is hiding someone
in there.
No, I'm not!
Let's all go back to bed,
I know I need to pee...
All right, I'll go!
No you won't,
this is mans' work!
ALL: Ugh!
Hello? Anyone there? No.
There's no-one there.
Completely empty.
In fact, I've never seen a shed
so empty of people...
You're overdoing it.
Sorry!
Chloe...!
I was going to tell you, Dad.
I know Mum doesn't like the homeless
but it's cold and he had nowhere
else to go.
All right! For the time being.
Promise you won't tell Mum?
If you don't tell her about me
losing my job.
Promise.
So we're live in ten seconds.
Ten, nine...
Don't forget to smile, everybody!
Eyes and teeth!
This is stupid! Shut your face!
Hello, we're at the home of
by-election candidate Mrs Crumb.
Uh, it's Croom. It's Crumb.
You seem to have the perfect
family life. Yes, I do.
And yet you're entering the, some
would say, murky world of politics.
Where there is murk,
I will bring light. Where there is...
Yet your policies include
a pledge to drive the homeless
off the streets.
I believe that the homeless...
Who washed my coat?!
Sorry, um, you believe
the homeless should...?
Should be...
..invited by everyone to
live in their garden sheds.
He wasn't there when I looked.
Yes, invite the homeless
into your shed.
Sorry, can I ask you - what's it
like living with this family?
The service is painfully slow
and there could be a much wider
selection of biscuits.
And the worst thing is,
they wash your coat without asking!
Well, that's all for the Crumb
family and...
What's your name? Stink. Stink.
Mr Stink.
Mr Stink. And he certainly does.
Back to the studio.
I actually think that went
rather well, love.
Sorry about washing your coat.
I keep my private articles
in this coat.
I'm sorry, I just thought...
But you didn't think. I knew
I should never have stayed here.
Please.
That's the problem with do-gooding.
In the end, its all about the doer
rather than the do-ee. No...
So you end up with doo-doo.
Goodbye.
Hiya, love!
There's someone asleep
under the leaves!
He won't hear you!
He wears ear plugs made of poo!
Be confident. Fear nobody.
Stop!
Sorry.
Who washed my coat?!
Wow.
Can you tell Annabelle dinner's
ready? Can't we let her sleep?
She's really tired.
Nonsense, she's a human dynamo.
And she's got Channel swimming
training first thing
tomorrow morning. She needs to eat.
Annabelle!
Hello, Croom residence.
BOTH: Crumb residence.
Politics Tonight? The TV programme?
Yes, I'd be delighted!
You want that tramp as well?
No, no, I won't appear with him.
Ill see you there in an hour.
They won't have me on without HIM.
Where is he?
I don't know.
Well, let's go out and find him.
Stop!
Sorry about your coat.
So am I. It stinks of
Ocean Breeze now.
I can be a bit of an old grump
sometimes.
Me, too!
You get used to it after a while.
It defeats me
why he has to appear, too.
Mr Stink is an internet sensation.
He's gone viral.
I'm not surprised -
he's probably teeming with lice.
You'll be pleased to know
I'm louse-free.
Thank the Lord for small mercies.
Although I'm no stranger to worms.
Welcome. With just over a week to
go until a crucial by-election,
we have representatives
from all the major parties,
and a homeless man
who goes by the name of... Mr Stink.
Would this be a good time
to use the lavatory?
No, we are on live television.
Not a number two,
just a number one.
No! Now...
Although sometimes you're having
a number one and you think,
"Hello, now I need a number two..."
Lets get on with the programme,
shall we?
Can I have the first question,
please? Yes, lady there.
Good evening.
One moment, please.
Should we...
Um, with hundreds of thousands
of people sleeping rough
on our streets,
should we all invite
a homeless person
into our home for Christmas?
Perhaps you'd care to start us off,
Mrs Crumb.
In fact it's Croom.
BOTH: It's Crumb.
Yes, out of the kindness
of my heart, I invited
this filthy beggar man
out of the cold to come
and live in our garden shed.
If I have a fault,
it's that I'm too nice.
That's a great big pile
of steaming poo!
Id go even further and say
it is a great big pile of poo
with a cherry on top!
It was your daughter who invited me
to live in the shed.
Well, I, um...
In fact, Miss Chloe is here tonight.
I've been sleeping rough
for half a lifetime.
I'm a difficult man.
Ask the Duchess.
But this young girl persisted
with me.
If everyone in the country
were like her...
Well, it'd be horrible -
60 million spotty 12-year-olds.
If everyone were like her, perhaps
we'd have no more homelessness.
We homeless aren't a statistic.
We are people.
So, Mrs Crumb, why did you lie?
Was it perhaps to further
your election campaign?
No, no...
Oh, come now.
I for one would welcome Mr Stink
into my house.
You wouldn't, you big fat liar!
He absolutely reeks.
Flies run away screaming.
He stinks!
Well, that's got the programme
off to a lively start.
We should have you on every week.
You couldn't afford me, dear.
DISTANT SHOUTING: We want Stink!
We want Stink! We want Stink...!
Mr Stink!
Mr Stink, wake up!
Good morning, Miss Chloe.
Tell Cook Ill have a kipper.
No! Half the town's
turned up to see you!
Why would they do that?
They watched you on telly last night.
They love you.
I can't believe the PM
has deselected me.
Well, not just that.
He's thrown you out of the party.
Thank you!
OK, so you've suffered a tiny setback
in your political ambitions.
No, its all over for me.
Because of...
..THAT creature.
Sorry, Mum.
Can I peel you an orange?
Stay away from my fruit!
Be confident. Fear nobody.
Where's your wetsuit?
It's too cold. I don't want to go.
What?
I said I don't want to go.
Let's give her a break, love.
Let her be a little girl again.
By the way, I lost my job
two months ago
and I've been hiding in the cupboard
under the stairs. There, I said it.
Hello, Cherry Crumb.
Croom.
It's Crumb! It's Crumb.
It's the Prime Minister.
He's changed his mind!
OK, I'll pass you over.
Hello, Stink speaking...
Uh-huh. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes. What's he saying?
I have no idea. I must still have
a rabbit dropping in that ear.
Ah, that's better.
I see. Let me think about that
for a moment, sir.
The PM says there's a vacancy
as candidate now Mrs Crumb's
been sacked,
and would I like to stand?
You must! Think of all the good
you could do for homeless people.
Fine. I'll see you this afternoon.
What's your address...?
Let me write that down.
10 Downing Street. Thank you
so much. Goodbye.
You're meeting a head of state, pal.
You do...
need a... bath.
Then I shall have a bath.
With knobs on.
Chloe!
Mr Stink! What on earth
do you think you're doing?
In the words of
12-year-olds everywhere,
"Duh, I'm having a bath!"
I think you'll find...
Although technically
I suppose I'm having a pond!
We ran you a nice, hot bath.
Indoor baths are most unhygienic.
Mrs Crumb, would you be good enough
to pass me that towel?
Child. Avert thine eyes.
Thank you, my good woman.
Unimaginable kindness.
Clean as a whistle.
What do you call a man
who has paper trousers?
"I don't know, Sid." Russell!
Do you get it?
So nice not to be doing anything
for once. Thanks.
Um, do you fancy helping me?
OK. What are we doing?
Are you sure I need one of these
make-overs?
You need to look your best for
the Prime Minister.
This is fun!
There!
Perfect!
What about the Duchess?
Maybe it's a tiny bit too much.
CHANTING: We want Stink!
We want Stink!
Mr Stink!
The Guardian. Do you find the name
Mr Stink demeaning and offensive?
The Sun. Is it true you have worms?
People of Britain.
Many of us, to quote the poet,
"Live lives of quiet desperation,
"and go to our graves
with the song still in us."
So try not to do that.
And to prevent it happening
to others, look around you
and be generous and kind,
although don't put people's clothes
in the washing machine
without their permission.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a Prime Minister to meet.
Good-day.
Oh, that stinks! Can we go
via the high street, please?
I thought we'd find them here.
Chloe, this is a very serious
moment. You have a choice.
You can shout something horrible
and vengeful at Pippa,
or you can be the bigger person
and reach out to her.
BOTH: Losers!
Hello, mate. Good afternoon,
Prime Minister. Call me Steve.
A Croom in Downing Street! Finally!
Get your hands out
of your pockets, Chloe!
I could use you. Use me?
Yep, use you. I mean 'use'
in a good way.
It's not secret, my approval rating
is currently...
Very poor.
Quite poor, and... do you have to
play that while I'm talking?
No.
And I can't afford to lose
this by-election next week.
Well, Prime Minister,
I'm no politician,
but there is a great deal
I could help you with.
There's an urgent need for more
shelters for the homeless like me.
Yep yep yep...
Does it do any tricks?
My team have come up with
a campaign for you to spearhead.
You're going to love this -
Hug a Homeless!
Not for too long, eh? Ha-ha!
Let's go.
What?
We have to be getting back
to the real world.
But you're the funny old tramp.
This would be great for me!
Prime Minister?
Shoot.
You can stick your job offer
up your fat bum. Good-day.
You're fired.
Wet wipe. Wet wipe!
I can't believe you told me to say
that. I can't believe you said it!
You know who I am,
don't you, Miss Chloe?
Yeah. I saw some of your things
when I washed your coat.
I'm sorry...
Lord Darlington.
I Googled you.
I don't know what that is,
but it sounds painful.
A long time ago I had it all.
Money, fancy friends,
a house with more wings
than a bucket of KFG chicken.
KFC.
And a beautiful wife,
my childhood sweetheart, Agatha.
Shortly after that photograph
was taken she fell pregnant.
The baby was due around
this time of year, actually.
But one night I left her on her own
so I could play cards
with friends at my club.
When I finally returned home,
Darlington House was on fire...
No!
A burning ember must have fallen out
of the fireplace onto the carpet.
My poor Agatha..
It's OK.
It will never be OK...
It was an accident,
you can't blame yourself.
But I do.
So how did you end up
living on the streets?
After the funeral I just couldn't
go back to the house.
I had to get away,
I didn't know where to go.
So I just started to walk...
..and kept on walking.
Christmas must be
the hardest time of year for you.
More for the Duchess, really.
She tends to drink heavily
and hide under a big pile of leaves
until it's all over.
I know I'm not much fun
to be around.
I wish I could make
everything right.
You have, child.
Since you came to talk to me
that day
I've been a hundred times happier.
Me too...
I want to go wandering with you.
Absolutely not.
This is your home.
It's not my home, it's her home.
I can't spend another night there.
Are you sure? Yes.
Then I had better
speak to your mother.
Coming, Mr Stink.
You want to leave home?
I thought you wouldn't mind.
Wouldn't mind?!
Chloe, you're my daughter!
I love you.
Do you? Yes!
Mr Stink just - can we call him
something else, darling?
I don't know, like, Geoffrey?
Anyway, Geoffrey just gave me
a very stern talking-to.
I realise now
how important family is.
I'm so sorry, Chloe.
I hope you can forgive me.
Of course.
I love you too, Mum.
I've got a surprise for you!
Cover your eyes.
Wow!
It's going to be all right,
you know, Chloe.
This is going to be
the best Christmas ever.
How'd you do that?
Why don't you go and offer
our guest a drink?
You don't still believe
homeless people
should be kept off the streets,
do you, love?
No, I don't. Good.
They should be kept
in some sort of camp.
Unimaginable kindness.
So I said to the Prime Minister,
"You can stick your job offer up
your fat.. " How old are you?
Nearly ten.
"..fat bum."
This is for you.
I read it. You have a real talent
for writing, Chloe.
Thanks, Mum.
And this is for you, my darling.
A guitar! I love it!
I want to play it right now!
This is for you...
Quantum physics!
Thank you, Mama!
Now, I fell in love
with your father
when he was in the Serpents of Doom
all those years ago.
I wanted him to get a proper job...
..and got rid of his guitar!
And now you can hear why!
Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even...
Mr Stink!
The Duchess and I
have decided to wander on.
But why? We all want you to stay.
My soul is restless.
But it's so cold! Don't worry.
I prefer sleeping
in the great outdoors.
On our wedding night, Agatha showed
me the brightest star in the sky.
We stood out on the balcony
and she said she would love me
for as long as that star
kept shining.
So every night, as I go sleep I gaze
at the star, and it's her I see.
And you see that little star
just under it?
Yes?
You are very special,
and so when I look at that star,
I am going to think about you.
Thank you, Mr Stink.
I completely forgot!
I saved up my loose change
and I bought you this.
Happy Christmas.
It's the best present ever.
You can write your stories in it.
I haven't got anything for you.
You've given me more than enough,
child. You've given me hope.
Goodbye, Miss Chloe.
Goodbye, Mr Stink.
Bye, Duchess.
Mr Stink stank. He also stunk.
He was the stinkiest stinker
who ever lived.