Mrs Caldicot's Cabbage War (2002) Movie Script
1
(RADIO PLAYING FAINTLY)
(CRICKET COMMENTARY ON RADIO)
(PLATES CLATTERING)
'Room service.
Thelma Caldicot speaking.'
'How may I help you?'
Thelma?
I'LL put the milk in.
'Yes, well, it is a man's job,
isn't it (7)-
(TAP RATTLING)
(WATER SLOSHING)
Did you sew the hat band
back onto my Panama?
You saw me do it Last night.
I don't think so.
You were watching television.
Then how could I be watching you?
It's over here.
(RADIO CONTINUES)
Sewn.
Shh!
'Oh, blow it up your arse!'
Cloth. Cloth.
What are you doing?
You do know it's 11:05?
Well, why didn't you say?
'What am I now -
the talking bloody clock?'
'At the next stroke,
it will be 11:06 precisely.'
Not tuna, are they?
'No. Mad cow.'
No, not an apple, Thelma.
Haven't you got something else
for me?
Let's see.
How about this?
Banana?
Morning, Thelma.
How are you today? A Little better?
It's quite nice outside -
not as cold as it Looks.
Something interesting out there?
Cabbages.
Oh, yeah. Where would the cook be
without them?
When I come through that front door
in the morning,
the smell hits me like mustard gas.
Got it.
Come on.
Goal!
UN!
(APPLAUSE)
Run it out! Run it out!
(CHUCKLES)
Ooh, thank you.
MAN: Watch out!
Stand back! This is mine!
Mrs Caldicot?
Yes.
He wouldn't have felt anything
after the initial impact.
I don't think so anyway.
Not that we can know for certain.
What do you think, Tina?
I don't know.
Sorry. Neither of us have done
this sort of thing before.
Ah.
We can only get better, I suppose.
He'd got his chrysanthemums
all ready for the show next week.
I wouldn't worry about them for now.
I'm not - I can't stand chrysanths.
They're bumptious, aren't they?
Bumptious sort of flower.
That's why he Liked them, I suppose.
He wouldn't have stood for this,
you know. (POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
He Liked me to use real polish.
Sorry.
No, no, we don't mind, do we?
It's such a relief, you see.
Do you have someone
we could call for you?
A relative or a friend?
Yes, I have a son, Derek.
He's in property. He's at work now.
Wouldn't want to disturb him.
I'm sure he won't mind,
considering the circumstances.
It's on the erm... In the hall.
It's under 'Derek Office'.
Oh, it's Derek Caldicot,
but you have to ask for Mr Caldicot.
Well, of course I'm sitting down!
What bad news?
It's about your father. I'm afraid
he's been...taken to hospital.
There must be some mistake.
I spoke to him Last night.
He was fine, absolutely fine.
Have you got the right Mr Caldicot?
Your mother gave us your number.
We're with her now.
'What? Who's 'we'?'
PC Thorpe speaking, Mr Caldicot.
I'm sorry to be the one to have
to tell you this,
but I have to inform you
that your father's dead.
But your colleague just said
he'd been taken to hospital.
You got five?
Well, he has. But he's...dead...
I'm afraid, now.
Look, would it be convenient for you
to come and stay with your mother?
The thing is,
I've got to go to a meeting.
You think you could hold her hand
for a Little Longer?
Isn't your wife close by?
Veronica's out.
You could try her on her mobile.
No, don't do that. She's at yoga.
She'll have a face on her for weeks.
He's been a tower of strength,
Derek, hasn't he?
Men - where would we be
without them?
They're certainly full of surprises.
(KNOCKING)
You don't know me, Mrs Caldicot.
I'm Victoria Reynolds.
Victoria?
President of
the Chrysanthemum Society.
I wanted to come round
and offer my condolences,
on behalf of the society.
That was quick.
It was all very quick.
I was there.
Were you?
Well, you'd better come through.
I expect you'd like to see
his chrysanths.
Don't they take your breath away?
He spent more time in the garden
than in the house.
Do you mind if we show them...
as a tribute?
We'd come round
and organise everything.
What was it, then - some sort of
chrysanthemum club cricket outing?
A group of us used to go
quite regularly.
I found cricket rather boring
myself.
But Henry...
Henry brought it alive for us.
Did he?
Yes.
Well, Victoria, you're a Lot
different from how he described you.
NURSE: How did he describe her,
then?
Victor Reynolds.
That old tosser Victor Reynolds.
Those flowers need changing, Thelma.
I'LL get you some fresh.
Hi. You OK?
Right, where is she?
In the kitchen.
What happened?
Cricket ball
smacked between the eyes.
He wouldn't have Liked that -
going out missing a sitter.
He was fairly pissed apparently.
How is she?
I've asked her to come and
stay with us for a night or two.
A night or two?
Well, that's all right, isn't it?
Fine. As Long as it doesn't
stretch into God knows how Long.
Hello, Mum.
Hello, Veronica.
'How are you coping?'
How are you coping?
I'm fine, thanks.
'You must be numb.'
You must be numb.
I'm making a List of my priorities.
A List? Such as?
Nails.
I want nails like yours, Veronica.
What do they call that colour?
Cerulean haze.
I must make a note of that.
How do you spell it?
Derek says you're coming to
stay with us for a night or two.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, Veronica,
that's not on my List -
staying with you and Derek.
You've had a terrible shock, Thelma.
Henry Lived his Life
very much the way he wanted
and he even died
heading a cricket ball.
I think that's a great consolation.
You can't stay here by yourself,
Mother.
Oh, I'd only be in the way.
Well, maybe so,
but we're not talking weeks,
or even a week, are we, Derek?
I can't stay here, Mother.
I've got an important meeting
first thing tomorrow
and now a funeral to organise.
Don't worry, I'LL be fine.
You two get off about your business.
'I've got things to do.'
Who knows?
Perhaps mother does know best.
Stuck in that house
with all those memories?
I doubt it.
We tried, Derek.
Did your father tell her
he was Leaving the house to you?
Yeah, I think so.
She's probably forgotten.
Not that it matters.
Why not?
She's got Lifetime interest in it.
Assuming she wants to Live there
for the rest of her Life.
What if she doesn't?
You want her to stay with us?
I'm serious, Derek.
You're in the property business,
aren't you, Derek?
Can't you think of something more
enterprising to do with the house?
I suppose.
Well, what?
Can't we just Leave it for a bit?
What, wait till she's dead?
Derek, if we don't get the
mortgage down on this house soon,
we'll have to open it to the public.
And then I'm off,
while I've still got moisture.
I can't start strong-arming
my mother out of her own home.
For God's sake, Derek, be creative!
She's alone there in the house.
Talk to her.
Give her an alternative.
She sounded pretty Loopy
this evening.
I just hope she doesn't do anything
stupid.
Don't worry, I gave her one of my
pills - she'll be dead to the world.
Sorry I've been so Long, Thelma.
I had to go and get them myself.
I used to Love shopping.
Course you did.
Before Henry retired
and decided to supervise.
You spent 1.80 more on coffee
this month.
Well, things do go up.
Then why did you spend 68 pence more
on toilet rolls Last month?
You had diarrhoea for two days when
you came back from your golf holiday.
He Liked to be known as
a sanitary engineer,
but I used to say he was in sewage.
Made him furious.
Why are men so vain?
Vain? Do you know, I got a job once
and he made me give it up.
He said people would think
he couldn't support me.
There must have been good times,
Thelma. 'Oh, there were.'
Well done!
'Whenever he went on
one of his golfing holidays.'
The ball soared into the air.
'Unfortunately, I got ball-by-ball
commentary when he got back.'
And with the massive backspin
I put on it,
it spun back, hit the pin...
and plop.
'Didn't you ever go on holiday
together?' 'Torquay every year.'
'Cos he Liked it. In the Vauxhall.'
'We had a Vauxhall
cos he'd always driven one.'
'I booked a surprise holiday
to Paris once.'
ALL: Quelle age avez vous?
'Went to night school
to Learn French, everything.'
ALL: Quarante ans.
'Which he hated. And then
he found out about the holiday.'
No, no, thank you
for being so understanding.
'Cancelled it.'
Yes.
Families, you know.
Goodbye.
'That's when I stopped Loving him.'
Then I went into my shell.
I don't think you should be on these
any longer.
I'm gonna have a word
with the matron.
Has this been moved?
I think it Looks better over there.
(APPLAUSE)
Well, naturally I shall miss all
the banter and the backstabbing...
(LAUGHTER)
"but this wonderful gift
will be a treasured reminder
of you all. Thank you, thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
'I then took a three iron
and, I have to say,
the shot was sheer perfection.'
'The ball sailed through the air
and with the massive backspin
I put on it,
Landed on the green, hit the pin...
and plop.'
I wasn't expecting to see you here.
Oh, well, my name was on the rota,
so I thought I'd turn up.
Has the doctor given you something?
What for?
To help you sleep.
Oh, no, I don't need that.
Oh, fine.
Just don't Leave it
until it's too Late.
I had a friend in your situation who
thought she was coping marvellously,
then whoosh.
Whoosh?
Overdose.
I promised I wouldn't tell a soul,
but you don't know Anne James,
do you? No.
Well, you don't really count, then,
do you?
Cup of tea?
Yes. 0h, Lovely. Thank you.
I So are you going to be all...?l?
Oh, there you are. Are you going to
be all right for money? What?
Has he Left you all right?
'You nosey bugger.'
I haven't even thought about money.
I'm sure Derek will advise me
about my financial affairs.
He was such a fine man, Henry.
A real gentleman.
And always so well turned out.
I didn't know you knew him.
Oh, yes.
We used to see him when he
popped into the pub after cricket.
Well, I never knew that.
He always used to buy a drink
for anyone, especially the ladies.
Oh, don't tell me
you didn't know that.
Well, if we hadn't had
an eye for the Ladies,
he never would have spotted you.
(DOOR OPENING)
We've brought you a cyclamen.
Nice pot.
Bit early for the drinking,
isn't it? And on your own.
Well, you're here now.
Derek?
Come and Look at this.
What do you think happened?
They Look as if they're all dead.
I thought you said
you were going to water them.
I did, but somebody's
cut all the heads off.
What?
What?
Oh, well, that settles it.
You can't stay here!
Why? Because all the chrysanthemums
are dead?
It's not because the chrysanthemums
are dead.
It's because someone killed them!
These stems have been cut through,
probably with a sharp knife
or a pair of scissors.
Have you called the police?
Why? Is it a capital offence?
Fingerprints! Footprints possibly.
What are you Looking for now?
The knife they used.
They may have thrown it down.
I wouldn't have thought so.
Cup of tea.
Look, I think we should get you
somewhere where you'll be safe.
I'm going to check all these windows
and doors are Locked up tonight.
Whoever did this may come back.
Oh, I wouldn't have thought so -
I've got no chrysanthemums Left.
(nos BARKING)
'That was when he rumbled me.'
It was bound to happen sooner
or Later, but I was past caring.
Sorry, Thelma, I tried,
but I came with a flea in my ear.
Better do as we're told.
What did he say
when he found the golf clubs?
I mean, what was Left of them.
I've no idea. I wasn't there.
It was the day before the funeral
and...
"all I could think about was Henry.
What could I wear that would've...?
I Go on, say it.l
That would've what?
Pissed him off.
(LAUGHS)
Hello, Ladies.
Erm...I'm Looking for something
a bit more formal.
I don't usually dress Like this.
I borrowed these from a friend.
My own clothes were destroyed
in a fire.
What did you have in mind?
Erm...
Well, those Look rather nice.
These do have a zip up the back.
I don't care where the zip is.
Some of our mature customers dislike
back fastenings.
It's a bit functional, isn't it? Have
you got something a bit more zhooshy?
Zhooshy?
I didn't realise
that's what you had in mind. Yes.
Is it for a special occasion?
Yes, it's for a funeral.
Veronica?
Oh, God.
Veronica?
Derek!
Derek!
Veronica!
Look at this!
She's completely Lost it!
You take the kitchen.
I The wine's gone.l
The bloody wine's gone!
What's wrong?
Hello, Dr Piper.
Hello.
Tell me you didn't do this, Mother.
Oh, the golf clubs, you mean?
I cut them down for the boy next door
- he's only little.
For the boy next door?
These are state of the art.
They're perimeter weighted,
titanium shafted, hand tooled!
For God's sake, Mother,
what's got into you?
Well, they're no good to me,
are they? Cup of tea, Doctor?
Nor his chrysanthemums,
nor his cricket books or clothes.
And what have you done with the wine
- taken full bottles to the bank?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I gave it to the milkman. What?
To take on his round.
One for each doorstep
of his choosing.
Hell's teeth, Mother!
They were worth hundreds of pounds!
He was particularly proud
of his nose for a good vintage.
He's gone now, Derek,
and he's taken his nose with him.
Have you seen enough, Doctor?
I'm afraid she's going to need
a proper rest for a while, Derek.
Our company
owns a couple of rest homes.
I'LL get her into one of those
right away.
What are you doing with those?
Veronica, what are you doing?
It's all right, Mum.
It's not all right.
We're just concerned about you.
You shouldn't be here on your own.
You're a danger to yourself.
I'm not.
You need Looking after.
Here we are, Thelma.
A Little something to help you
through the difficult days.
(SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC)
No, no, no, no. It's better
we get here straight there.
OK, yeah. I'LL see you Later.
OK, bye.
She's still refusing to cover up.
Oh, Leave her. She's out of it.
At Least the rain kept off
and she stayed upright.
How many people have you
invited back? A dozen or so.
Mostly dad's old workmates.
You didn't mention the golf clubs?
Of course not.
She insisted we asked some bugger
from the Chrysanthemum Society.
Oh, Lord!
'Why do they have to send a wreath
as big as that?'
'We Look like we're burying
the Kray brothers.' 'Kray twins.'
'Told them to meet us
at the house in an hour.'
'That should give us a chance
to settle mum in.'
'He would die before me,
wouldn't he?'
'Make me realise
how precious Life is.'
'And how much of it I've missed.'
So they wouldn't even allow you to
go to your own husband's funeral do?
No.
They thought it was best
that I came straight here.
Here's Mrs Caldicot now.
Here's Mrs Caldicot now. g on time.
Hello, Derek. Nice to see you again.
Hello. Hello.
This is my wife Veronica.
Hello.
Mum?
Hello, Mrs Caldicot.
Lovely to have you with us.
My name is Henry Hawksmoor.
And this is our Matron.
Miss Lockwood. Hello.
ALL right, Mum?
MATRON: Welcome.
Welcome, dear.
Mum?
There we are.
(CHUCKLES)
You come away in, dear.
Come with me. ALL right? That's it.
Derek, take that, will you?
Yeah.
Hello.
How do you do?
Good journey down?
We almost got Lost.
Do go in. Oh, thank you, Derek.
Mr Hawksmoor will show you around.
Thank you, Matron.
Yes, if you'd like to follow me.
We're actually serving Luncheon
at the moment.
Melon fantails,
followed by goujons of pork
and fresh green vegetables
of the day.
That'LL be cabbage.
Yes, yes. Aromatic, of course,
but full of iron
and other essential vitamins.
Our consultant nutritionist
pays regular visits
in order to ensure
the maintenance of standard.
We do have, of course, two -
a choice of dining rooms.
Ah, here we are. Miss Nightingale.
EHJIQYiHQ lunch?
Lunch, Headmaster?
Yes, dear.
I'm sorry. You must be mistaken.
Yes, but you're enjoying it anyway.
What?
Whatever it is you're having.
I don't know.
It's a kind of...something.
Yes. Eat it up there.
Miss Nightingale -
early onset dementia.
Used to be a primary headmistress.
It's very sad.
I Nice, isn't it?I
Mrs Caidicot will have silver
service in her room to start with,
but Later on she'll be encouraged
to come down here
and share a joke and the gossip.
Did you hear that?
Is this a hospital?
No, Mum, it's one of our rest homes.
It's more like a hotel, actually.
The Lounge.
The Lounge, of course,
is kept at a constant temperature.
It's Light and airy.
Lovely view, of course,
of the tennis court in the distance.
And the colour television,
which er...appears to be
on the blink.
It's been on the blink
the whole blinking week.
So you should have said,
Mr Livingstone.
I did.
Why aren't you eating?
Call it my survival instinct,
Hawthorn.
Mr Livingstone
is something of a card.
Ex-RAF bomber command.
Isn't that right, Mr Livingstone?
You keep quiet about the television
and I won't mention Dresden.
Is it a deal?
Don't make me Laugh, Hawkins -
I've got a split Lip (!)
Our aim here is to create
a happy and relaxed atmosphere.
Underpinned, of course,
with a fierce attention to detail.
Anything Less would be a betrayal
of our guests and our calling.
And Manor Park Properties.
Ah.
Any questions, Mum?
When are we going home?
This is going to be your home
for a while.
You'll be Looked after
night and day.
We told you all about this.
I don't remember.
She's a bit emotional at the moment.
Well, of course she is.
It's only natural.
I can help Matron show her to her
room if she'd Like. No, thank you.
I think we'd like to see
the bedrooms now. Yes, of course.
Matron? Matron?
Ah. I think it's time for
Mrs Caldicot to see the penthouse.
Of course.
Would you like to follow me?
Here we are. The Balmoral Suite.
Oh, this is Lovely. This is great.
First time you've been here?
Yes, yes, and I'm impressed.
Look at that view!
Sit down here, Mrs Caldicott.
Look at all this cupboard space.
En suite bathroom. Very nice.
You've always wanted one of those,
haven't you, Mum?
There you go.
Let's put these here.
There you go, Mum. Just so you don't
forget your own nearest and dearest.
Shall I unpack for you?
Oh, don't worry,
we'll sort her things out.
We'll soon have her feeling at home,
won't we, Mrs Caldicot?
Right, then.
We'll be off now, Mum.
You're in good hands.
One of us will pop in and see you
tomorrow or the day after.
ALL right?
Bye, Thelma.
She seemed settled.
How could you tell?
She didn't cry.
Well, she didn't Laugh either.
When the pills wear off,
she'll come Looking for us.
This is one of our prime properties.
You're joking.
(GROANS)
Cabbage.
Stop at the car wash on the way home
and I'LL run myself though it.
There we are, Thelma.
Down the hatch.
Another glass of water, Nurse.
We forgot to take our pills,
didn't we, dear?
I don't want them.
I know that.
And when we're a Little better,
we can stop taking them.
We are better, aren't we, Gina?
Come on, Thelma, don't be awkward.
You've got visitors coming.
Visitors?
Your son and your solicitor.
Solicitor?
You want to be nice and calm
for when they come, don't you?
Come on now. Open. Head back.
There we are.
Don't know what all the fuss
was about.
So what's this master plan
you've come up with?
OK, I don't think it would be wise
for her to go back to the house.
Too many memories.
Exactly.
That's why I've had a chat with JB.
)5'? What about'?
Er...about buying the house.
Off who?
Off mum.
Why? Your father Left it to you.
I know, I know, but I can't
do anything with it until mum dies.
Unless she agrees to seLL me
her right to Live in it.
For how much?
Roughly the price of the house.
So where are we going to
get all this money from?
Well, that's where JB comes in.
What's your boss got to do with it?
'Be creative,' he said.
Look, Listen, Listen.
I give mum a Lump sum,
loaned to be by JB,
then we knock it down.
Knock down the house?
What's the street gonna say?
They're gonna go mad.
There's a piece of Land at the back
big enough for 20 houses.
The planners
have already given us the nod.
And what do we get?
Enough to
knock our mortgage on the head
and Lots of spending money.
Hit the ground running, eh?
I should threaten to Leave you
more often.
Jim Dale, please.
Right, Let's see what we can get
for the contents.
DEREK: Of course you konw Mr Dale.
I don't think so.
He's the family solicitor.
Your father had a solicitor.
Yes, Dale. This is Mr Dale.
He drew up father's will.
Actually, I don't think Henry
ever did introduce us, did he?
Anyway, what he's here to do
is to make sure you're Looked after.
Not just for now but in the future.
They are Looking after you here,
aren't they?
I mean, there's that nice nurse.
Gina, is it? Gina. Yep.
Well, she's here whenever you
need her, isn't she? Yeah.
That's the sort of care
I'm talking about.
But it costs a Lot of money.
Money?
So er...Mr Dale and I
have drawn up a scheme
which means you won't have to
worry about that.
(KNOCKING)
Come in.
You see, with a Lump sum,
you've got options.
When you're a bit stronger,
you can buy a bungalow.
Or better still, you'd have enough
from your investments to stay here.
So you really have
got nothing to Lose.
Now, Mr Dale has drawn up
something here which er...
Well, if you sign this,
we can just get on with it.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Gina.
Thelma.
Nurse, I wonder if you could
witness something for us.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm needed downstairs.
It won't take Long.
No, really.
What's the matter?
She's in no fit state to sign!
Nurse, we are doing this for her.
Then wait until she isn't medicated
up to the eyeballs.
It can't wait.
She needs the money
to pay for her fees.
I thought you owned the place.
Yes, my company does,
but they don't pay her bills.
I'm sorry, she has no real idea
what you're proposing
and I'm not gonna be a party to it.
400? Well, if you're not going to
give me what it's worth,
I'LL take it to auction.
I'LL go up to 500.
Right, the kitchen. Now, obviously
everything in here can go, so...
That's right, Mum.
Thank you, Matron.
Matron...where's Gina?
Gina?
What's happening?
We're moving you
to the Windsor Suite.
Where's that?
You'll see.
Gina?
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
No need to Look so worried.
We think you're well enough
to start enjoying yourself.
Good morning, Ladies.
Miss Nightingale,
your bed's over there.
This is Mrs Caldicot.
And this is your bed, dear.
There you are, Little fella.
You can't support all these.
I'LL bring you a nice drink of water
after dinner.
Leave the plants alone, Mr Hewitt.
Time they were done.
It's not your job.
Sit down and have your Lunch
before it gets cold.
It comes cold.
You're in the way, Mr Hewitt. Nurse!
That's the whole damn trouble here -
we're all in the way.
(MIMICS rum)
Oh, don't you start.
Don't you start.
Does she always do that?
Yes.
Would you like these?
No, thank you. I don't smoke.
Struth! To think I spent five years
with a bomb strapped to my arse
just for this!
HAWKSMOOR: For goodness' sake, Enid,
will you get your feet on
the supports and out of the spokes?
I don't think she can help it -
she's got no feeling in her Legs.
Thank you, Miss Nightingale.
We can do without
your vast medical experience (!)
He sounds just like Henry.
Don't push it around the plate,
Mrs Caldicot.
Get it down.
(PUTS DOWN CUTLERY)
That's all there is
until six o'clock. Chop-chop.
...upset yourself, Love.
It's not worth it.
Hm.
You're obviously very fond of plants.
You'd think it was a crime
around here.
Wouldn't they Let you
Look after a bit of the garden?
Hawksmoor says...
people wouldn't pay good money
if they saw the residents all mucky
and sweaty in the garden.
You think they'd encourage you
to take an interest.
The only thing they encourage
people to do around here is sleep.
Hey, don't take the pills.
Guess what he's playing.
I've no idea.
Oh, aye, I've watched him for years.
I don't know. I...
Well, guess. Go on, go on.
Just have a guess.
I don't know. Er...Beethoven? Mozart?
Oh, God, no! No, no.
He wouldn't play German music.
What, then?
Beside the Seaside.
Yeah.
What?
# Oh, I do Like to be
beside the seaside
# Oh, I do Like to be
beside the sea #
You're a bloody semitone out,
Hewitt!
Sorry, Bernard.
And about 20 bars behind.
Why don't you play the real thing?
It's Locked,
courtesy of the top brass.
It would only disturb the guests.
Look at them!
They're all as deaf as posts.
Too noisy? Keep them all awake?
If only it would.
You're going to be talking
to yourself till dinnertime.
(SNORES)
(ORGAN MUSIC FADING IN)
But you like company.
I want to go home, Derek.
There's nobody to Look after you.
And frankly, Mum,
I couldn't Leave you there alone.
You wouldn't want to come home
with Veronica and me, would you?
With Veronica? No, thank you.
Well, that's what I thought.
Mum, you have to trust me
like you trusted Dad.
You still haven't told me
why they've moved me.
Because you don't need
the constant nursing any Longer.
Plus there's a financial advantage.
You sound just like him now. What?
Your father.
Look, I've invested a Lump sum
for you... A Lump sum?
So you will have a steady income.
But you've still got to be careful.
A Lump some?
Yeah, from the sale of the house.
What?
The... The house has been sold?
Yes.
My house?
Well, my house, actually, Mum,
but yes.
Don't you remember?
You signed the papers.
Don't you remember? You signed
the papers.
How's Thelma?
ALL the better
for someone to talk to.
Well, it could be a bit livelier
if your son got Hawksmoor
to change the regime here.
What do you mean?
Don't be fooled by the uniforms.
We're not properly paid,
but we're cheap.
You mean people get neglected?
No, not exactly.
You see Miss Nightingale?
She's got early onset dementia, but
she's more mobile than you'd think.
And she can hold
a good conversation.
Suddenly she's
off into her own world again
or behaving like a child.
No, she just needs a bit of TLC.
Which would mean more costly staff.
So they shove a pill down her.
Same with Mrs Peterborough.
Now, she really does have a problem.
She feels she's got no personality
of her own.
That's why she mimics everyone.
In fact, she's as strong as a horse.
Now, the only way that Matron
can keep her completely quiet
would be to knock her out.
That's expensive on the nursing.
So they just keep her drowsy?
Minimum maintenance.
It's all down to money.
(MUMBLES)
Hello, Nancy.
Nearly Lunchtime.
I've got your medication here.
Nancy, would you like me
to do the pills for you?
I know how busy you girls get
at mealtimes.
Oh, well, I shouldn't really,
but it would be a help.
Sure you don't mind?
Not at all. Give rne something to do.
Here you are, then.
Make sure you get them down them.
Oh, they'll go down, all right.
She's gone.
Promise you won't tell Miss Knight
that we played a trick on her
or we'll have to stay in again
after school.
I won't tell, Audrey.
I'm your friend.
Hewitt and I have been considering
you very carefully, Mr Caidicot.
Have you now?
And we are agreed
that you should be asked to join
our escape committee.
How many have you got?
Just Hewitt and me.
I'm the brains, he's the brawn.
So he reckons.
So what's the plan?
Tunnelling was the favoured option
and then Hewitt here
went and Lost the bloody trowel.
So now what?
Well, currently we have a plan
to kidnap two of the nurses,
take their uniforms
and then Leave in disguise.
I think I've seen the film.
Yes.
Well, of course, we realised
that we might not get very far
before somebody
spotted something suspicious,
but...well, it would be
a breath of fresh air for us.
Now you see
why we need some new ideas.
Why don't you just walk out?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm serious. Why don't you?
Well, first, Hawksmoor's got
the pension books.
Yes, and all our allowances
are docked in the office.
Cabbage again?
(SEXUAL GROANING)
WOMAN: Oh! Oh, Henry!
HAWKSMOOR: Yeah! Yeah!
Oh! Oh! Oh, yes!
I'm just coming!
What is going on?
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Miss Nightingale...
...why aren't you eating?
Mr Hewitt?
Is this your influence,
Mrs Caldicot?
What exactly is the problem?
It's rubbish. That's the problem.
This is perfectly balanced
dietary cuisine.
Oh. Would you like to join us?
Mr Livingstone...
I'm with Mrs Caldicot.
So am I.
So am I.
A missed meal can cause
serious medical problems.
I hope you're prepared
to take on that responsibility.
Thank you.
Commander?
Yes?
You're flying Low, old boy.
What?
(ALL LAUGH)
Thank you. That was Lovely.
Erm...you're new here, aren't you?
Yes, that's right, Mr Hawksmoor.
Jolly good.
Mrs Caldicot.
In the interests of harmony,
I'm prepared to forget
our contretemps this Lunchtime.
Because of your son's position
in the company,
you're a special guest here.
ALL I ask is that you don't
abuse your position.
I don't think I quite understand.
Oh, I think you do.
We deal here
with vulnerable elderly people.
They're not nearly as vulnerable
as you make out.
Mrs Caldicot,
you really have no idea.
We deprive them of their medication
and then their fears, their worries
and their neuroses
run riot at great damage to
themselves. And your bank balance.
If this place didn't pay its way,
these people would be on the street
Looking for somewhere else to Live.
Then they really would
feel vulnerable.
You give it some thought.
Bowls.
I'm sorry?
Mr Hewitt said
you confiscated the bowls.
Ah, yes, yes.
Matron felt it was prudent. Matron?
Hips, knees, backs. Staff could
spend days on outpatients.
Well, some of the residents
are fit enough, surely.
Most just think they are.
So no bowls?
No bowls, no.
Thank you, Mrs Caldicot.
'You're being walked all over
yet again, Thelma.'
'Another bloody Henry.'
'Well, this worm's just turned.'
I'd like a word with you, young man.
Why? What's your problem?
Caldicot, Department of Health.
I'd Like to show you a serious breach
of regulations. Follow me. Like what?
Well, for a start, you should be
wearing a hat and a hair net.
A hair net?
Shh.
We finally make a break and have to
take the bloody cabbages with us!
Hey up, they're coming.
If you'll give me a Lift into town,
I'LL consider overlooking it
this time.
OK. Great.
Shh.
I think we're moving.
Well spotted, Audrey.
Well spotted, Audrey.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Did we have to bring her,
of all people?
What was that?
Nothing.
Good.
'What's that banging in the back?'
'What banging?'
'You're not carrying immigrants,
are you?' 'You can't be serious.'
'I want you to stop this van
immediately.'
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
I think you're in enough trouble
for one day, aren't you?
(GROANS)
Better push off
before I call the police.
Right, you four, you're under arrest.
Follow rne.
Right, come on.
Left, right, Left, right.
Find Nurse Hanes.
Right, now, this is the spot.
We need some mats.
Mats? Is that what you use?
Well, Look, here's some.
Right, well, grab them.
I want a mat.
Everybody take one.
One for you.
Bernard's with Audrey
and Joyce, you go with Leslie.
I don't want Joyce. Can't I
have Audrey? I always get Joyce.
You go with him, then.
No. I tell you what.
If you don't stop arguing...
Right, now, swap over.
There we go. There you are.
(CHEERING)
HAWKSMOOR: No, no.
They're no danger to anyone,
just to themselves.
Well, Let's hope so, Sergeant.
That's very nice. Thanks.
Thanks very much.
What have you got to say?
About what?
The missing patients.
I don't know what you mean.
They went AWOL on your watch.
But I was dealing with
other residents.
I found the residue of medication
in the sink in their room.
Isn't it your duty
to see that they take it?
Don't bother to finish your shift.
We'll send your papers in the post.
Go.
Oh, thank goodness
you've found them!
Mrs Caldicot.
OFFICER: Out you get.
Mrs Peterborough.
ALL right, dear, in you come now.
That's it.
Safe and sound. That's good.
Thanks so much, Officer.
And the nurses will be with you
as soon as.
Miss Nightingale?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Stop that.
Stop it!
Quiet in the house!
Quiet! Upstairs, quiet, everyone!
Thank you.
You'll be interested to know that
because of the jaunts
of these people,
there'LL be no dinner for anyone
tonight.
Go to your rooms. Thank you.
Deep breaths, Derek. Deep breaths.
Say the wrong thing and she'll be
coming back with us.
I wanna speak to my mother
in private.
(DOOR OPENING)
Hello.
It was a very stupid,
selfish thing to do.
Selfish?
Taking geriatrics on an escapade
could have had
all sorts of consequences.
We all got back safely.
No thanks to you.
I don't know what their families
will say.
I don't think they give two hoots.
Oh, like us, I suppose?
It was just a bit of fun, Derek.
And do you think the police had fun
rounding you up? They didn't mind.
You could've been mugged and robbed.
What, for a handful of cabbages?
Look at this. Front cover.
Oh, it Looks much better
in the photo.
Well, it's not going to Look good
if this gets back to HQ. What?
That my mother
is the aging delinquent
running amok in one of
the most successful businesses
in our portfolio.
It was a game of bowls, Derek,
not World War Ill.
Don't act the innocent!
You and your gang
of wizened accomplices
deliberately cocked a snook
at the management.
Well, perhaps if
I'm such a bad influence,
maybe I'd better Leave.
This it not you talking, Mum.
You've made friends here.
More company than you've had
for years.
Can't you try just a Little bit
harder to make it work?
JOYCE: No pills! No pills!
You know they make you feel better.
No pills!
N
Is everybody all right?
What's happened?
While we were out,
Edith Roberts passed away.
Oh, I am sorry.
And Gina's been sacked.
No. What for?
She took the blame for us.
She took the blame for us.
Oh, that's awful.
There's a note.
I hid it under your pillow.
Keep taking the pills. Not.
(LAUGHS)
There we are.
Nothing Like a death
for keeping them quiet.
(INAUDIBLE WHISPER)
(PHONE RINGING)
ALL right if I go in?
Yes, go through. Thanks.
Ah, yes. Come in, Derek.
Something came up in conversation
with our auditor
which I thought I'd mention.
Fire away.
Don't jump the gun, Derek.
I hope it won't come to that.
He was working at
the Twilight Years rest home
when there was a sort of break out
by residents, he said.
Really?
Orchestrated, apparently,
by a Thelma Caldicot.
Your mother, fight?
Yes, )5.
True or false?
Well, there were a number
who sort of took off, as it were,
but they were fairly harmless.
That's not a view
shared by Hawksmoor.
He's used to one old dear
wandering off in her nighty,
but not a whole formation team.
No. Have a word with her.
L-I already have, JB.
Good. Get them to pop her some pills
or whatever they do
before she does herself an injury.
I wouldn't be best pleased
if incidents Like this became
a regular occurrence, Derek.
It's bad for morale.
Hawksmoor's turning in
some good figures for us.
Good night, Matron. Back to
the old routine in the morning.
Oh, I hope so.
God, I've missed
our afternoon therapy!
Mmm!
It's Eileen's bridge night tonight.
I'LL be back in a...couple of hours.
How are you doing?
Oh, don't tell Headmaster.
We're making a bomb.
Marvellous.
You're doing a great job.
No, no, don't wobble it -
it'll blow up.
Not tonight, Audrey.
Now, Joyce, you've got to
delay the nurse. (MIMICS)
I don't believe it.
Erm...I'll be back.
Come on, come on.
Supposing she won't believe me?
She will. Self-belief, Leslie.
We're all depending on you.
You know your Lines.
Now get in there.
Go on.
What's this - open day?
This is the kitchen, Mr Hewitt.
What do you want?
Can't you see I'm busy?
Matron's going bananas.
She sent me to get her dinner.
Has she? Why? Where's the nurse?
Oh, Nurse,
you'd better come quickly.
Mrs PeterborougHs
plopped on the carpet.
Great (!) I'm supposed to be
getting Matron's supper.
Where's she done it?
This way.
And she hasn't done anything.
She's just plopped down
on the carpet.
Here. Take it.
I'm off.
Don't forget to Lock up.
Remember, Joyce, it's your job
to delay the nurse.
What's happened?
(GROANS) Stop it!
Remember, Joyce, it's your job
to delay the nurse! (REPEATS)
Right, Let's be having it.
I've done it.
You'll put her to sleep
for a fortnight! (LAUGHS)
Oh, Matron, don't push it
round the plate.
Down the red Lane. Chop-chop.
Good Lad.
Now, then, flower,
where's your chip pan?
Remember, Joyce, it's your job
to delay the nurse! How we doing?
It's all in there.
"To delay the nurse.
Joyce, you can stop now.
Joyce, you can stop now.
The cook is going bananas.
Where's Matron's supper?
What?
No, there's Matron's supper.
I should hurry up if I were you.
Go on.
Heat the oil in a heavy-based pan.
Add the onion and garlic.
Whee!
And fry until softened and golden.
Is Cook in there with you?
Cook's doing fine.
Oh, aye.
She's just coming to the boil.
(LAUGHS)
She's starting to spit!
Aye! But not in the soup
for a change. (LAUGHTER)
Mrs Caldicot?
Is Mrs Caldicot there?
'Yes, Nancy, don't you worry.'
You just set the table and get
everybody ready for a big fry up.
You're not allowed fried anything,
Mrs Caldicot.
I know. And especially not with wine.
No, not with wine.
(LAUGHTER)
Wine?!
Matron? Matron?
Oh, my God!
Red or white for you.
What is it?
Er...Chateaux...
Chateaux? My favourite.
I'LL have white, please.
Oh.
Mind now. Hot plates.
Oh! Look at that.
Who's paying for this?
You are.
You're doing the washing up.
This reminds me of a Lorry driver
I used to see.
Whenever he asked me out to dinner,
this is what he meant.
But it was always welcome.
I A large man.l
Big hands.
Big everything, as far as I recall.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I just want to make a toast.
To Edith.
ALL: Edith!
Wherever you are.
ALL: Wherever you are.
And also, just on a personal note,
to Gina, wherever she is. Gina!
ALL: Gina!
Cheers.
And you've all got to clink glasses
or it's bad Luck.
Bernard?
How about some music?
Eh?
Yeah, come on. Let's get a crowbar
to that organ.
Good idea. Good idea.
# We'll gather Lilacs
in the spring again
# And walk together
down an English Lane
# Until our hearts
have Learned to sing again
# When you come home once more
# And in the evening
by the firelighfs glow
# You'll hold me close
# And never Let me go
# Your eyes will tell me
# ALL I want to know
# When you come home
# Once
# More #
(APPLAUSE)
(ORGAN MUSIC)
(MUSIC FADES)
Uh-oh. Bandit at nine o'clock.
Clear this drink away.
Where's Matron?
Lost your tongues, have you?
Whose idea was this?
It's Edith's wake.
We felt she needed a good send off.
Who says so?
I do. LES: So do I.
So do I.
And me. So do I.
MAN: Same here.
It's all right, folks.
I take full responsibility.
I felt it was something you would
have organised, had you been here.
Don't be clever with me.
I want you out of this place
first thing in the morning.
You can't do that.
If she goes, so do I.
Oh, you can't, Bernard.
You've got nowhere to go.
And this miserable bugger knows it.
Before breakfast, Mrs Caldicot.
Just a minute.
Oh, I am Leaving,
because I don't belong here.
In fact, none of us belongs here
in your second-rate,
overpriced knackefls yard.
And we don't need you
or our relatives
to tell us when we're ready for
the scrap heap.
We'll decide that. Do you know,
I spent 40 years of my Life
under the boot of a mean-spirited
tyrant just like you.
And I'm not going to
Let it happen again.
Good night, folks.
ALL: Good night. Thank you.
Good night to you.
I've got to Leave, Audrey.
But you can't go! You mustn't go!
Come on, Joyce, you sit
and watch the television.
There we are.
But you're my friend. What on earth
will I do without you?
Add two spoonfuls of olive oil
and a splash of vinegar.
Why is it, whenever I find a friend,
they disappear?
I won't disappear, I promise you.
It's happened all my Life.
They either go abroad or get
too busy or die on me Like he did.
Let's see what Amanda's got for us
this week.
Everyone's happier
since you came here.
But we'll see each other again
in the holidays.
(MUSIC ON TV)
What? Are we going on holiday?
No, no.
I'm a pole dancer.
Look, that's a better one there.
You won't come back.
I will. I promise I'LL come back.
(MIMICS TV)
God!
Have you seen my suitcase?
You can't come with me, Audrey!
I'm sorry.
(EMOTIVE VIOLIN MUSIC ON TV)
It's very sad.
(CRIES)
UN!
(FIRE ALARM)
(ALARM STOPS)
So, you can't even Leave
without creating a fuss.
Could you open the door, please?
I want to go. Me, too.
I'm going with her.
Me, too. I'm going with her.
MAN: Mrs Caldicofs Leaving!
We're all Leaving.
We're all Leaving.
If Thelma's going, I'm going, too.
Yeah, well, don't Leave without me.
You see what you've started?
You can't come with me, Audrey -
not dressed Like that.
I've got a coat. She says I can
go with her if I put my coat on.
She says I can go with her
if I put my coat on.
Listen, everyone,
I've no idea where I'm going!
You'll be responsible if anything
happens to any of these people!
Ooh, thank you very much,
Mr Hawksmoor.
This is the first decent thing
you've done since I got here.
Excuse rne.
She said I can go, too.
She says I can go with her.
Excuse me! Matron!
Matron, what the hell
is going on here?!
I don't know. It's Mrs Caldicot!
I LES: That'll tell him, won't it?I?
HAWKSMOOR: Mrs Caldicot!
Oh, yes, I'LL give you five minutes
before you're desperate
to come back.
And then it'll be too Late because
I'm Letting your rooms as of now!
MAN: Oh, get Lost!
Yes, and you can clear off as well
and join the rest of them!
Thelma, wait for us!
There's a bus coming.
The school bus.
Look, the school bus.
You stay here. Don't move.
Hey, don't do that!
Mind!
(TYRES SCREECHING)
Come on, Let's get on board.
Hey, are you mad? Can't you read?
This is a school bus.
Yeah, well, we're a group of
mature students.
Are you going anywhere near
the Old Manor Park Hotel?
Oi!
Come on, Joyce. Ignore him.
Get onto the bus. Come on.
Come on, guys. Load up.
DRIVER: You can't do this.
JOYCE: You can't do this.
Oh, God!
Careful.
Ooh.
Ooh, very nice.
It is.
0h!
You can see the nice fire.
JOYCE: Nice fire.
Now, everybody sit over there
and wait for me.
Now, everybody sit over there
and wait for me.
She can be quite useful at times.
Good morning.
May I help you, madam?
Yes, we'd like some rooms, please.
We'd like some rooms, please.
How many rooms, madam?
One each.
Er...12.
May I ask madam
how she wishes to pay?
Yes, my son will deal with that.
My son will deal with that.
Is that one son or two, madam?
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, sorry. Caldicot.
Thank you.
CLERK: Mr Caldicot.
Hello, Derek.
What's happened now?
I'm at the Old Manor Park Hotel.
You walked out?
Mother, you promised me.
Well, what else could I do?
'All right, all right.'
Well, it's probably for the best,
considering the trouble
you've caused me.
Well, just put them on to rne.
'All right.'
I'm sorry to trouble you,
Mr Caldicot.
Your mother has arrived
with no means of paying her account.
Yeah, that's fine. Just bill me
and I'll settle it all later.
Thank you, Mr Caldicot.
Now, how are the others
going to settle their accounts?
Oh, you'd better put those
on my bill.
Fine. Would everyone Like to sign
their names and addresses, please?
It's all the same address.
ALL of them?
We've escaped from a rest home.
Yes, Mr Jenkins.
Look after my Locker key, will you?
Break out from an old folks home?
That's quite a story.
Yes, I suppose so.
Who was that?
It's Mr Jenkins, madam.
Oh. And what does he do?
Director of
the Globe newspaper group.
Right behind you, darling.
Have I got my own telly?
Oh, yes. Everyone will have.
Marvellous!
This way.
Audrey?
Yes? You're in here.
Jackie Jones? I have a story
which may interest you.
How soon can you get here?
Bloody Nora!
Bloody Nora!
Look!
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
Mmm, delicious!
Audrey?
Mm?
Madam, your bath robe and slippers.
Your bath robe and slippers.
Heaven.
Heaven.
Come on, Joyce,
I'LL show you your room.
Thelma! Who's paying for all this?
Oh, don't worry about it, Bernard.
You just enjoy yourself.
Yeah, well, I'm not sure
I'm going to be able to sleep
without hearing him snoring.
I'm only next door, Hewitt -
it should travel.
Oh, aye, that's true.
(PHONE RINGING) I'LL go.
MAN: Look, Thelma!
Look what we've got.
Come on. We'll go.
Thelma!
Thelma! There's a woman downstairs
waiting for you in reception
with a television cameraman.
Oh.
Mrs Caldicot?
Yes.
Jackie Jones, TV South News.
Do you think you could come and talk
to our viewers?
L-I don't know. I've never done
anything like that before.
The publicity can only
help your cause. Right-o. Why not?
We'd like to know
about you and your friends -
where you've come from
and what you plan to do next.
I've no idea.
MAN: We're running.
OK, we're on.
Mrs Caldicot, you arrived
at the Old Manor Park Hotel today
at the head of a demonstration.
Where did you come from?
Well, it wasn't really
a demonstration.
And we all came from
the Twilight Years rest home.
And you Left there as a protest?
No, it wasn't a protest.
Oh, Jesus.
(PHONE RINGING) TV: A mass escape.
So why did you feel
you had to escape?
It all really started with
the food being so disgusting
and the whole place smelt of cabbage.
And one day,
I erm...refused to eat it.
So this is a war about cabbage
you're fighting?
Also it's about it being an
unpleasant, uncaring sort of place.
The car will be here at what?
6:00 on the dot?
Fine. I'LL make sure she's ready.
Just one second, sir.
Sir, it's for you. It's head office.
Got to go.
Nick Reid Show? ITV? Who is it?
Ham'
. yes'
Yes, sir?
Who told South East news?!
I thought it would be
good publicity, sir -
a haven of rest
for a stricken people.
Don't you know the Twilight Years
rest home is owned by us?
My God!
Let them stay,
then send them packing.
And get this woman off my screen!
Yes, sir.
Though I should perhaps mention...
'What?
She's on again tonight.
Then get her off!
(GASPS)
Audrey!
Isn't it wonderful?
I just pick up the phone, tell them
what I want and - poof - magic.
I know, my Love,
but there is the cost.
No, it doesn't cost a thing.
ALL they want is my autograph.
Am I famous?
Not yet. But you soon might be.
Thank you very much
for bringing me here, Thelma.
It's so nice to feel happy.
(THUDDING UPSTAIRS)
Thelma, come quick. Joyce is
watching Tom and Jerry. Oh, God.
JB. Everything all right?
Not exactly. Any idea where
your mother is, by any chance? Yes.
Good news on that.
She's moved out of Twilight Years
and moved into
the Old Manor Park Hotel. I know.
Together with 11 other crusties.
What?
She's been on the bloody Local news
saying how they've escaped
a Life 0t tyranny
and overcooked cabbage.
On television?
And tonight she's going nationwide.
Sort it out or I'm gonna
have your arse for a plate rack!
(PEOPLE TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)
You've no idea what might happen.
I think it'll be very interesting
and I want to try it.
It could be a terrible mistake,
Mrs Caldicot.
MAN: Look over here, please, madam.
Just over here. Thank you very much.
(PIANO PLAYING)
# Come, come,
come and make eyes at me
# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
# Da da da da da
# Come, come,
drink some more wine with me
# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
# Hear the Little German band
# Da da da da da da da...#
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Are you the manager? Yes, sir.
I want to speak to Mrs Caldicot.
Join the queue.
No, no, no. I'm her son.
Ah, Mr Caldicot.
I'm sorry, but your mother's
Left for the television studio.
She's on the Nick Reid Show.
I tried to stop her.
Nick Reid show?! I can't believe it!
Yes, sir, but if you could
just hang on a moment!
Don't know why we bother rehearsing.
It's not for my bloody benefit!
Don't worry,
his bark's worse than his bite.
I'LL see if he'll talk to you now.
Nick? Nick?
This is Mrs Caldicot.
Oh, Mrs Caldicot!
Hello.
She's much smaller than I imagined.
I saw you on the Local news
at Lunchtime wearing that outfit.
And I've seen you on there.
Is it Mick or Nick?
We are gonna get on
like a house on fire.
Don't you worry about a thing.
I'LL ask you about the cabbage
and you just tell me what happened.
Right-o.
Outfit is going to have to go.
This is prime time.
Get her into something half decent,
for Christ's sake!
Why does his wife
Let him wear that silly wig?
Shh!
The wig is classified information.
I've seen more convincing hair
on a Lavatory brush.
And that's not his wife.
Oh.
Come on, I'd better get you
into Make-Up and Wardrobe.
I just can't believe
they've done me up so beautifully.
You Look Lovely.
Thank you.
Round to the right here.
Right.
Don't be nervous.
I've got a few butterflies.
NICK: My wife does stand-up
and does jokes about me.
She says when I make Love,
I'm Like the Lottery -
bit of excitement, balls drop,
rollover. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Mother!
0h, hello, Derek.
Who are they?
That's my son. What do you want?
Think of my career!
We're on air in ten seconds.
Think of your family!
Shh! Get them back in their seats!
MC: Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Reid!
(TITLE MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello. Hello.
My first guest tonight
is a housewife.
But she's no ordinary housewife.
She hit the headlines
earlier this morning
when she Led a mass escape from
an old people's home. (LAUGHTER)
So, Ladies and gentlemen, here's the
Leader of the wrinkLies revolution.
Please welcome Thelma Caldicot!
Mrs Caldicot, you're in the news
because you Led a walk out
at the Twilight Years rest home.
That's right.
Now, it's being said
that you Led the walk out
because you couldn't stand cabbage.
That's rather extreme, isn't it?
Well, it's true that I didn't want to
eat any more cabbage,
but that's not why I Left.
Tell us why, then.
Well, I-l Left because it was a place
that was run with minimum care
for maximum profit
by a tinpot Little dictator.
Even so, some people are saying that
you're just an attention seeker.
Why on earth would anyone say that?
Because that's what children do,
isn't it?
They throw a tantrum when faced with
food they don't want to eat.
I'm not Looking for attention at all.
Oh, come on.
You're on national television.
Only because you asked me.
There's a film on the other side.
I'd much rather be watching that.
Good for you, Thelma!
Well, switch over, then!
Let's see it.
Don't you dare!
TV: Do you think your actions
will Lead to revolution
among our senior citizens?
I don't know.
You don't know?
That's not very responsible, is it?
(LAUGHTER)
Sometimes Life isn't about
knowing the answers.
It's about knowing
the right questions to ask.
Well, Let's swap seats, then.
You tell me
what the right questions are.
For a start, instead of
making cheap jibes at me,
why don't you ask me why we Lock up
these Lovely, decent people
just because they're getting old?
Oh, no, sorry, 'past it'.
What on earth does that mean?
Past what?
And the answer is...
I don't know what the answer is.
Maybe it's because we're selfish.
Why is it that we rob them
of their dignity
and stuff a Load of tranquillisers
down their throats
instead of offering them our help
and our care
and, most of all, our time?
You tell us.
And why is it that
the very sight of them repulses us,
the older and more feeble they get?
We've all done it, haven't we?
'Oh, don't Let me get like that.
If I get like that, shoot me.'
Maybe it's just fear.
And no, I don't know
what the answer is.
But I do know that these are
the questions we should be asking.
ALL of us.
Well, that's very enlightening,
isn't it?
Are there any more questions
you want to ask
before I Let tonight's star guest
get a word in edgeways?
Yeah, just one.
Hm? Why do you wear that daft wig?
(LAUGHTER)
Aye, good for you, Thelma!
But what shall I do
with my Lovely outfit?
Keep it.
That's the Least of their worries.
Will there be a car to take me home?
I'm sorry, Nick's vetoed
any more hospitality.
Take a taxi and send us a bill.
Very nice performance.
Thank you.
Do I know you?
Phillip Jenkins.
I was at the hotel
when you were checking in.
Oh, yes.
May I give you a Lift?
That's be Lovely, but is there
another way out of here?
Ah.
You're Looking Lovely, by the way.
Thank you.
Who were you avoiding?
Oh, my son and daughter-in-Law.
I think they're a bit cross with rne.
Why?
Well, they were the ones that put me
into the rest home in the first place
and they want rne to go back in.
I see.
Derek, my son, he's a director of
the property company that owns it.
By God, you Let them off the hook
tonight.
This is a big story.
Ah. Can't turn against
your own flesh and blood,
no matter what they've done.
I suppose you'll write about it,
won't you? You are a journalist.
Sort of. But I'm not a hack.
What do you mean?
I wouldn't print anything
you didn't approve of.
Hmm.
I'm afraid my trust in people
is a bit frayed round the edges
at the moment.
I'LL just have to take my time,
then.
Would you like a nightcap?
Oh, OK.
I'LL find the barman.
Right.
Mrs Caldicot, I'm glad I caught you.
Yes?
It's your booking.
I'm afraid we have no spare rooms
after tonight.
I see.
Orders from above?
No, no. A prior arrangement.
A company booking.
Prove it.
I'm sorry?
Show rne the booking.
Madam, I don't have to
prove anything.
Now, Listen.
I Led a walk out earlier on today
and tomorrow, unless you change
your attitude,
I shall be organising a Lie in.
Mrs Caldicot, please.
What's going on?
He wants to throw us all out.
Is this true?
Please, sir.
You are a much valued customer here,
but with the greatest respect,
this is not your business.
With the greatest respect, it is.
Mrs Caldicot has agreed to tell
her story exclusively for the Globe.
(SIGHS)
I need some fresh air.
Great Long streak of misery.
Thank you for that. I didn't relish
another confrontation.
You surprise me. You're getting
rather good at confrontation.
I know. And a few days ago,
I wouldn't have said boo to a goose.
I meant what I said about the Globe.
My story? One day wonder.
Right now, you're front page news,
Thelma.
It'd finish Derek and Veronica.
I couldn't take that responsibility.
Well, that's tough, I know,
but from what I've seen,
you've inherited and even bigger
responsibility in there. I know.
Well, we can't stay here much longer.
No.
I want to find them a place where
they can all be together, you know.
I'm not Letting them go back there.
Look, Let's put our heads together.
Not tonight. We'll have Lunch
tomorrow and talk it all over.
Ooh, I'd like that.
My pleasure. Thank you very much.
I'LL call you in the morning.
Right. Good night.
Good night.
Don't roll over, Thelma.
'Very nice performance.'
'You're Looking Lovely, by the way.'
Not bad, Thelma.
No, you can't.
Yes, you can, Thelma.
You can do anything you like.
Only one thing missing from this -
a bell. A bell.
Why isn't our beautiful, illustrious
leader here enjoying herself?
Too busy, Hewitt.
My bike had a very Loud bell.
I saw the chap whisking her away.
Suppose someone
stepped out in front of us.
Thought I spotted
a bit of hand kissing.
Aye-ayenayeqqye!
Knocked it down?
For a housing development.
I don't believe it.
You'd better. Mr Derek Caldicot
stands to make a small fortune.
And he never told you?
No.
That was the only decent thing he did
for me in 40 years of marriage -
to Leave me with a roof over my head.
And now my son's...
taken it away from me.
Out again?
'I'm afraid so, sir.'
I'm sorry, I don't believe you.
'Well, I've got -'
Put me through to the manager!
It's Mr Caldicot.
Ah, Caldicot.
Mr Caldicot, I'm so glad you called.
Are you blocking my calls
to my mother's room?!
No, certainly not.
'I'm sending a car for her.'
'Get her bags packed!'
She was picked up an hour ago, sir.
Picked up? Who by?
A director of the Globe newspaper.
If you could just wait a moment, I'd
like to discuss Mrs Caldicofs bill.
Hello. Er... Hello?
'Hello? Hello?!'
Thanks, Bob.
OK, bye. Thanks, Bob.
Bye-bye.
That wasn't easy.
But you feel better?
Yeah, you're damn right I do.
Thelma, you said nothing
you need be ashamed of.
Be a few ugly faces tomorrow, though.
About time, too.
Relax. You were very good.
I haven't had many times like this,
you know. What?
Good company, nice places.
It wasn't until my husband died
that I realised that...he hadn't
shared any of those things with me.
Are you married?
Was. It ended ten years ago.
Sorry, l...didn't mean to be nosy.
Not at all. I'd want you to know.
Why?
Because...l hope we're gonna
keep in close touch.
Good.
Good.
Now, the problem of
your displaced seniors.
Yeah. Where are we gonna
get them in quickly?
I thought your son and his boss
could work that one out...
tomorrow morning.
I don't follow.
The Globe rings Derek's boss
for a quote.
He blows a fuse and calls
an emergency board meeting tomorrow.
But on a Sunday?
Yes.
And you'll be the surprise guest.
No doubt you'll explain why.
No doubt. But first, I think
we'd better get your things
and book you in somewhere tonight.
You may have unwelcome visitors.
(KNOCKING)
Just a minute!
0h, hello, Derek.
Yes, Derek. So you remember me (?)
Course I do.
Why haven't you returned my calls?
I've been very busy.
Oh, I know.
Mother, this nonsense
has got to stop!
Get packing!
I am. What nonsense has got to stop?
I mean the public abuse
you have showered on your family
and the company that I had hoped -
(KNOCKING) Just coming!
And now what's this
about the Sunday Globe?
Excuse me, madam.
I need to talk to Mr Caldicot.
Not now.
I'm afraid it can't wait, sir.
Well, what is it?
The account, sir.
Well, Look, stick it on this.
She is checking out.
I've got to go now, Derek.
12 rooms and sundry items.
12 rooms?
I'LL phone you Later.
12 rooms and sundries.
Oi! I can't get out!
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(CHUCKLING)
Something amusing, is there?
Hm?
That's my copy, I think.
Mr Hawksmoor, it's JB!
Tell him I can't come to the phone.
He isn't on the phone.
Just cut him off!
I can't cut him off! He's here!
He's here?
He's just driven into the car park!
B". Hawksmoor? Hawksmoor?
Hawksmoor!
Nervous?
Yep.
I'm not Looking forward to this.
It's no fun putting your family
on the street.
It's what they did to you.
I wish you'd come in with me.
No, it's your show.
I'LL wait for you out here.
Knock 'em dead.
JB: Well, as you north country
people say,
you've got a brass neck.
What's your answer?
Sorry. I really am sorry.
We've been Looking for her all over.
She's been without her medication.
Come on, Mum.
Let me go, Veronica. Good girl.
What are you doing?
She's here to save
the Twilight Years rest home,
and all her wrinkly friends,
from the knackefls yard. Oh?
How? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
This should be good.
Now she's ruined it, she wants to
buy it off us. Whatever for?
Properly run, it could be
everything that you claimed it to be.
Well, who's going to run it? You?
The asylum run by the patients?
Where are you gonna
get the money from?
From here.
She wants us
to give her the mortgage
as well as a knocked-down price.
Thanks for this, Derek (!)
Mother, what are you trying to do?
You've been selfish and thoughtless.
Oh, dear.
Perhaps mother should try
another course of medication.
She certainly hasn't
got her head on straight.
Oh, do you mean like I had the day
you forced me to sign over my home?
It wasn't your house!
It was mine to Live in!
And systematically wreck?
Wreck?!
Is that why you drugged me and
stuffed me in an old people's home?
It was for your own good, Mother.
Do you know something, Derek?
In the end, I suppose it was.
When I finally came to,
I realised that I had been...
bullied all my life.
First by your father,
then by you and then by her.
And finally by that mob
at the Twilight Years
who ran the place
for nobody's best interest
expect their own
and this property company.
And now, thanks to you,
it's no use to anybody.
What are your readers gonna say
about that?
Not nearly as much as they'll think
when they hear about your project.
What? What?
The development of her old home.
The Globe fleshed out the details.
And it will be on the front page
next week unless...
Mum?
That's blackmail.
I suppose it is.
Oh, Derek...try to see
the funny side.
Do you know something?
He never Laughed.
Even as a baby.
Not even when he was tickled.
How'd it go?
It's in the Lap of the gods.
Well, it-it-it's wonderful!
Wonderful.
It's so different.
Of course it's different -
we're in charge now.
Hello, my darling.
And Gina's the matron now.
Gina!
LES: She'll Let me
do the garden now.
Come on. Everyone's waiting
to start the party.
Welcome home.
(RADIO PLAYING FAINTLY)
(CRICKET COMMENTARY ON RADIO)
(PLATES CLATTERING)
'Room service.
Thelma Caldicot speaking.'
'How may I help you?'
Thelma?
I'LL put the milk in.
'Yes, well, it is a man's job,
isn't it (7)-
(TAP RATTLING)
(WATER SLOSHING)
Did you sew the hat band
back onto my Panama?
You saw me do it Last night.
I don't think so.
You were watching television.
Then how could I be watching you?
It's over here.
(RADIO CONTINUES)
Sewn.
Shh!
'Oh, blow it up your arse!'
Cloth. Cloth.
What are you doing?
You do know it's 11:05?
Well, why didn't you say?
'What am I now -
the talking bloody clock?'
'At the next stroke,
it will be 11:06 precisely.'
Not tuna, are they?
'No. Mad cow.'
No, not an apple, Thelma.
Haven't you got something else
for me?
Let's see.
How about this?
Banana?
Morning, Thelma.
How are you today? A Little better?
It's quite nice outside -
not as cold as it Looks.
Something interesting out there?
Cabbages.
Oh, yeah. Where would the cook be
without them?
When I come through that front door
in the morning,
the smell hits me like mustard gas.
Got it.
Come on.
Goal!
UN!
(APPLAUSE)
Run it out! Run it out!
(CHUCKLES)
Ooh, thank you.
MAN: Watch out!
Stand back! This is mine!
Mrs Caldicot?
Yes.
He wouldn't have felt anything
after the initial impact.
I don't think so anyway.
Not that we can know for certain.
What do you think, Tina?
I don't know.
Sorry. Neither of us have done
this sort of thing before.
Ah.
We can only get better, I suppose.
He'd got his chrysanthemums
all ready for the show next week.
I wouldn't worry about them for now.
I'm not - I can't stand chrysanths.
They're bumptious, aren't they?
Bumptious sort of flower.
That's why he Liked them, I suppose.
He wouldn't have stood for this,
you know. (POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
He Liked me to use real polish.
Sorry.
No, no, we don't mind, do we?
It's such a relief, you see.
Do you have someone
we could call for you?
A relative or a friend?
Yes, I have a son, Derek.
He's in property. He's at work now.
Wouldn't want to disturb him.
I'm sure he won't mind,
considering the circumstances.
It's on the erm... In the hall.
It's under 'Derek Office'.
Oh, it's Derek Caldicot,
but you have to ask for Mr Caldicot.
Well, of course I'm sitting down!
What bad news?
It's about your father. I'm afraid
he's been...taken to hospital.
There must be some mistake.
I spoke to him Last night.
He was fine, absolutely fine.
Have you got the right Mr Caldicot?
Your mother gave us your number.
We're with her now.
'What? Who's 'we'?'
PC Thorpe speaking, Mr Caldicot.
I'm sorry to be the one to have
to tell you this,
but I have to inform you
that your father's dead.
But your colleague just said
he'd been taken to hospital.
You got five?
Well, he has. But he's...dead...
I'm afraid, now.
Look, would it be convenient for you
to come and stay with your mother?
The thing is,
I've got to go to a meeting.
You think you could hold her hand
for a Little Longer?
Isn't your wife close by?
Veronica's out.
You could try her on her mobile.
No, don't do that. She's at yoga.
She'll have a face on her for weeks.
He's been a tower of strength,
Derek, hasn't he?
Men - where would we be
without them?
They're certainly full of surprises.
(KNOCKING)
You don't know me, Mrs Caldicot.
I'm Victoria Reynolds.
Victoria?
President of
the Chrysanthemum Society.
I wanted to come round
and offer my condolences,
on behalf of the society.
That was quick.
It was all very quick.
I was there.
Were you?
Well, you'd better come through.
I expect you'd like to see
his chrysanths.
Don't they take your breath away?
He spent more time in the garden
than in the house.
Do you mind if we show them...
as a tribute?
We'd come round
and organise everything.
What was it, then - some sort of
chrysanthemum club cricket outing?
A group of us used to go
quite regularly.
I found cricket rather boring
myself.
But Henry...
Henry brought it alive for us.
Did he?
Yes.
Well, Victoria, you're a Lot
different from how he described you.
NURSE: How did he describe her,
then?
Victor Reynolds.
That old tosser Victor Reynolds.
Those flowers need changing, Thelma.
I'LL get you some fresh.
Hi. You OK?
Right, where is she?
In the kitchen.
What happened?
Cricket ball
smacked between the eyes.
He wouldn't have Liked that -
going out missing a sitter.
He was fairly pissed apparently.
How is she?
I've asked her to come and
stay with us for a night or two.
A night or two?
Well, that's all right, isn't it?
Fine. As Long as it doesn't
stretch into God knows how Long.
Hello, Mum.
Hello, Veronica.
'How are you coping?'
How are you coping?
I'm fine, thanks.
'You must be numb.'
You must be numb.
I'm making a List of my priorities.
A List? Such as?
Nails.
I want nails like yours, Veronica.
What do they call that colour?
Cerulean haze.
I must make a note of that.
How do you spell it?
Derek says you're coming to
stay with us for a night or two.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, Veronica,
that's not on my List -
staying with you and Derek.
You've had a terrible shock, Thelma.
Henry Lived his Life
very much the way he wanted
and he even died
heading a cricket ball.
I think that's a great consolation.
You can't stay here by yourself,
Mother.
Oh, I'd only be in the way.
Well, maybe so,
but we're not talking weeks,
or even a week, are we, Derek?
I can't stay here, Mother.
I've got an important meeting
first thing tomorrow
and now a funeral to organise.
Don't worry, I'LL be fine.
You two get off about your business.
'I've got things to do.'
Who knows?
Perhaps mother does know best.
Stuck in that house
with all those memories?
I doubt it.
We tried, Derek.
Did your father tell her
he was Leaving the house to you?
Yeah, I think so.
She's probably forgotten.
Not that it matters.
Why not?
She's got Lifetime interest in it.
Assuming she wants to Live there
for the rest of her Life.
What if she doesn't?
You want her to stay with us?
I'm serious, Derek.
You're in the property business,
aren't you, Derek?
Can't you think of something more
enterprising to do with the house?
I suppose.
Well, what?
Can't we just Leave it for a bit?
What, wait till she's dead?
Derek, if we don't get the
mortgage down on this house soon,
we'll have to open it to the public.
And then I'm off,
while I've still got moisture.
I can't start strong-arming
my mother out of her own home.
For God's sake, Derek, be creative!
She's alone there in the house.
Talk to her.
Give her an alternative.
She sounded pretty Loopy
this evening.
I just hope she doesn't do anything
stupid.
Don't worry, I gave her one of my
pills - she'll be dead to the world.
Sorry I've been so Long, Thelma.
I had to go and get them myself.
I used to Love shopping.
Course you did.
Before Henry retired
and decided to supervise.
You spent 1.80 more on coffee
this month.
Well, things do go up.
Then why did you spend 68 pence more
on toilet rolls Last month?
You had diarrhoea for two days when
you came back from your golf holiday.
He Liked to be known as
a sanitary engineer,
but I used to say he was in sewage.
Made him furious.
Why are men so vain?
Vain? Do you know, I got a job once
and he made me give it up.
He said people would think
he couldn't support me.
There must have been good times,
Thelma. 'Oh, there were.'
Well done!
'Whenever he went on
one of his golfing holidays.'
The ball soared into the air.
'Unfortunately, I got ball-by-ball
commentary when he got back.'
And with the massive backspin
I put on it,
it spun back, hit the pin...
and plop.
'Didn't you ever go on holiday
together?' 'Torquay every year.'
'Cos he Liked it. In the Vauxhall.'
'We had a Vauxhall
cos he'd always driven one.'
'I booked a surprise holiday
to Paris once.'
ALL: Quelle age avez vous?
'Went to night school
to Learn French, everything.'
ALL: Quarante ans.
'Which he hated. And then
he found out about the holiday.'
No, no, thank you
for being so understanding.
'Cancelled it.'
Yes.
Families, you know.
Goodbye.
'That's when I stopped Loving him.'
Then I went into my shell.
I don't think you should be on these
any longer.
I'm gonna have a word
with the matron.
Has this been moved?
I think it Looks better over there.
(APPLAUSE)
Well, naturally I shall miss all
the banter and the backstabbing...
(LAUGHTER)
"but this wonderful gift
will be a treasured reminder
of you all. Thank you, thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
'I then took a three iron
and, I have to say,
the shot was sheer perfection.'
'The ball sailed through the air
and with the massive backspin
I put on it,
Landed on the green, hit the pin...
and plop.'
I wasn't expecting to see you here.
Oh, well, my name was on the rota,
so I thought I'd turn up.
Has the doctor given you something?
What for?
To help you sleep.
Oh, no, I don't need that.
Oh, fine.
Just don't Leave it
until it's too Late.
I had a friend in your situation who
thought she was coping marvellously,
then whoosh.
Whoosh?
Overdose.
I promised I wouldn't tell a soul,
but you don't know Anne James,
do you? No.
Well, you don't really count, then,
do you?
Cup of tea?
Yes. 0h, Lovely. Thank you.
I So are you going to be all...?l?
Oh, there you are. Are you going to
be all right for money? What?
Has he Left you all right?
'You nosey bugger.'
I haven't even thought about money.
I'm sure Derek will advise me
about my financial affairs.
He was such a fine man, Henry.
A real gentleman.
And always so well turned out.
I didn't know you knew him.
Oh, yes.
We used to see him when he
popped into the pub after cricket.
Well, I never knew that.
He always used to buy a drink
for anyone, especially the ladies.
Oh, don't tell me
you didn't know that.
Well, if we hadn't had
an eye for the Ladies,
he never would have spotted you.
(DOOR OPENING)
We've brought you a cyclamen.
Nice pot.
Bit early for the drinking,
isn't it? And on your own.
Well, you're here now.
Derek?
Come and Look at this.
What do you think happened?
They Look as if they're all dead.
I thought you said
you were going to water them.
I did, but somebody's
cut all the heads off.
What?
What?
Oh, well, that settles it.
You can't stay here!
Why? Because all the chrysanthemums
are dead?
It's not because the chrysanthemums
are dead.
It's because someone killed them!
These stems have been cut through,
probably with a sharp knife
or a pair of scissors.
Have you called the police?
Why? Is it a capital offence?
Fingerprints! Footprints possibly.
What are you Looking for now?
The knife they used.
They may have thrown it down.
I wouldn't have thought so.
Cup of tea.
Look, I think we should get you
somewhere where you'll be safe.
I'm going to check all these windows
and doors are Locked up tonight.
Whoever did this may come back.
Oh, I wouldn't have thought so -
I've got no chrysanthemums Left.
(nos BARKING)
'That was when he rumbled me.'
It was bound to happen sooner
or Later, but I was past caring.
Sorry, Thelma, I tried,
but I came with a flea in my ear.
Better do as we're told.
What did he say
when he found the golf clubs?
I mean, what was Left of them.
I've no idea. I wasn't there.
It was the day before the funeral
and...
"all I could think about was Henry.
What could I wear that would've...?
I Go on, say it.l
That would've what?
Pissed him off.
(LAUGHS)
Hello, Ladies.
Erm...I'm Looking for something
a bit more formal.
I don't usually dress Like this.
I borrowed these from a friend.
My own clothes were destroyed
in a fire.
What did you have in mind?
Erm...
Well, those Look rather nice.
These do have a zip up the back.
I don't care where the zip is.
Some of our mature customers dislike
back fastenings.
It's a bit functional, isn't it? Have
you got something a bit more zhooshy?
Zhooshy?
I didn't realise
that's what you had in mind. Yes.
Is it for a special occasion?
Yes, it's for a funeral.
Veronica?
Oh, God.
Veronica?
Derek!
Derek!
Veronica!
Look at this!
She's completely Lost it!
You take the kitchen.
I The wine's gone.l
The bloody wine's gone!
What's wrong?
Hello, Dr Piper.
Hello.
Tell me you didn't do this, Mother.
Oh, the golf clubs, you mean?
I cut them down for the boy next door
- he's only little.
For the boy next door?
These are state of the art.
They're perimeter weighted,
titanium shafted, hand tooled!
For God's sake, Mother,
what's got into you?
Well, they're no good to me,
are they? Cup of tea, Doctor?
Nor his chrysanthemums,
nor his cricket books or clothes.
And what have you done with the wine
- taken full bottles to the bank?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I gave it to the milkman. What?
To take on his round.
One for each doorstep
of his choosing.
Hell's teeth, Mother!
They were worth hundreds of pounds!
He was particularly proud
of his nose for a good vintage.
He's gone now, Derek,
and he's taken his nose with him.
Have you seen enough, Doctor?
I'm afraid she's going to need
a proper rest for a while, Derek.
Our company
owns a couple of rest homes.
I'LL get her into one of those
right away.
What are you doing with those?
Veronica, what are you doing?
It's all right, Mum.
It's not all right.
We're just concerned about you.
You shouldn't be here on your own.
You're a danger to yourself.
I'm not.
You need Looking after.
Here we are, Thelma.
A Little something to help you
through the difficult days.
(SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC)
No, no, no, no. It's better
we get here straight there.
OK, yeah. I'LL see you Later.
OK, bye.
She's still refusing to cover up.
Oh, Leave her. She's out of it.
At Least the rain kept off
and she stayed upright.
How many people have you
invited back? A dozen or so.
Mostly dad's old workmates.
You didn't mention the golf clubs?
Of course not.
She insisted we asked some bugger
from the Chrysanthemum Society.
Oh, Lord!
'Why do they have to send a wreath
as big as that?'
'We Look like we're burying
the Kray brothers.' 'Kray twins.'
'Told them to meet us
at the house in an hour.'
'That should give us a chance
to settle mum in.'
'He would die before me,
wouldn't he?'
'Make me realise
how precious Life is.'
'And how much of it I've missed.'
So they wouldn't even allow you to
go to your own husband's funeral do?
No.
They thought it was best
that I came straight here.
Here's Mrs Caldicot now.
Here's Mrs Caldicot now. g on time.
Hello, Derek. Nice to see you again.
Hello. Hello.
This is my wife Veronica.
Hello.
Mum?
Hello, Mrs Caldicot.
Lovely to have you with us.
My name is Henry Hawksmoor.
And this is our Matron.
Miss Lockwood. Hello.
ALL right, Mum?
MATRON: Welcome.
Welcome, dear.
Mum?
There we are.
(CHUCKLES)
You come away in, dear.
Come with me. ALL right? That's it.
Derek, take that, will you?
Yeah.
Hello.
How do you do?
Good journey down?
We almost got Lost.
Do go in. Oh, thank you, Derek.
Mr Hawksmoor will show you around.
Thank you, Matron.
Yes, if you'd like to follow me.
We're actually serving Luncheon
at the moment.
Melon fantails,
followed by goujons of pork
and fresh green vegetables
of the day.
That'LL be cabbage.
Yes, yes. Aromatic, of course,
but full of iron
and other essential vitamins.
Our consultant nutritionist
pays regular visits
in order to ensure
the maintenance of standard.
We do have, of course, two -
a choice of dining rooms.
Ah, here we are. Miss Nightingale.
EHJIQYiHQ lunch?
Lunch, Headmaster?
Yes, dear.
I'm sorry. You must be mistaken.
Yes, but you're enjoying it anyway.
What?
Whatever it is you're having.
I don't know.
It's a kind of...something.
Yes. Eat it up there.
Miss Nightingale -
early onset dementia.
Used to be a primary headmistress.
It's very sad.
I Nice, isn't it?I
Mrs Caidicot will have silver
service in her room to start with,
but Later on she'll be encouraged
to come down here
and share a joke and the gossip.
Did you hear that?
Is this a hospital?
No, Mum, it's one of our rest homes.
It's more like a hotel, actually.
The Lounge.
The Lounge, of course,
is kept at a constant temperature.
It's Light and airy.
Lovely view, of course,
of the tennis court in the distance.
And the colour television,
which er...appears to be
on the blink.
It's been on the blink
the whole blinking week.
So you should have said,
Mr Livingstone.
I did.
Why aren't you eating?
Call it my survival instinct,
Hawthorn.
Mr Livingstone
is something of a card.
Ex-RAF bomber command.
Isn't that right, Mr Livingstone?
You keep quiet about the television
and I won't mention Dresden.
Is it a deal?
Don't make me Laugh, Hawkins -
I've got a split Lip (!)
Our aim here is to create
a happy and relaxed atmosphere.
Underpinned, of course,
with a fierce attention to detail.
Anything Less would be a betrayal
of our guests and our calling.
And Manor Park Properties.
Ah.
Any questions, Mum?
When are we going home?
This is going to be your home
for a while.
You'll be Looked after
night and day.
We told you all about this.
I don't remember.
She's a bit emotional at the moment.
Well, of course she is.
It's only natural.
I can help Matron show her to her
room if she'd Like. No, thank you.
I think we'd like to see
the bedrooms now. Yes, of course.
Matron? Matron?
Ah. I think it's time for
Mrs Caldicot to see the penthouse.
Of course.
Would you like to follow me?
Here we are. The Balmoral Suite.
Oh, this is Lovely. This is great.
First time you've been here?
Yes, yes, and I'm impressed.
Look at that view!
Sit down here, Mrs Caldicott.
Look at all this cupboard space.
En suite bathroom. Very nice.
You've always wanted one of those,
haven't you, Mum?
There you go.
Let's put these here.
There you go, Mum. Just so you don't
forget your own nearest and dearest.
Shall I unpack for you?
Oh, don't worry,
we'll sort her things out.
We'll soon have her feeling at home,
won't we, Mrs Caldicot?
Right, then.
We'll be off now, Mum.
You're in good hands.
One of us will pop in and see you
tomorrow or the day after.
ALL right?
Bye, Thelma.
She seemed settled.
How could you tell?
She didn't cry.
Well, she didn't Laugh either.
When the pills wear off,
she'll come Looking for us.
This is one of our prime properties.
You're joking.
(GROANS)
Cabbage.
Stop at the car wash on the way home
and I'LL run myself though it.
There we are, Thelma.
Down the hatch.
Another glass of water, Nurse.
We forgot to take our pills,
didn't we, dear?
I don't want them.
I know that.
And when we're a Little better,
we can stop taking them.
We are better, aren't we, Gina?
Come on, Thelma, don't be awkward.
You've got visitors coming.
Visitors?
Your son and your solicitor.
Solicitor?
You want to be nice and calm
for when they come, don't you?
Come on now. Open. Head back.
There we are.
Don't know what all the fuss
was about.
So what's this master plan
you've come up with?
OK, I don't think it would be wise
for her to go back to the house.
Too many memories.
Exactly.
That's why I've had a chat with JB.
)5'? What about'?
Er...about buying the house.
Off who?
Off mum.
Why? Your father Left it to you.
I know, I know, but I can't
do anything with it until mum dies.
Unless she agrees to seLL me
her right to Live in it.
For how much?
Roughly the price of the house.
So where are we going to
get all this money from?
Well, that's where JB comes in.
What's your boss got to do with it?
'Be creative,' he said.
Look, Listen, Listen.
I give mum a Lump sum,
loaned to be by JB,
then we knock it down.
Knock down the house?
What's the street gonna say?
They're gonna go mad.
There's a piece of Land at the back
big enough for 20 houses.
The planners
have already given us the nod.
And what do we get?
Enough to
knock our mortgage on the head
and Lots of spending money.
Hit the ground running, eh?
I should threaten to Leave you
more often.
Jim Dale, please.
Right, Let's see what we can get
for the contents.
DEREK: Of course you konw Mr Dale.
I don't think so.
He's the family solicitor.
Your father had a solicitor.
Yes, Dale. This is Mr Dale.
He drew up father's will.
Actually, I don't think Henry
ever did introduce us, did he?
Anyway, what he's here to do
is to make sure you're Looked after.
Not just for now but in the future.
They are Looking after you here,
aren't they?
I mean, there's that nice nurse.
Gina, is it? Gina. Yep.
Well, she's here whenever you
need her, isn't she? Yeah.
That's the sort of care
I'm talking about.
But it costs a Lot of money.
Money?
So er...Mr Dale and I
have drawn up a scheme
which means you won't have to
worry about that.
(KNOCKING)
Come in.
You see, with a Lump sum,
you've got options.
When you're a bit stronger,
you can buy a bungalow.
Or better still, you'd have enough
from your investments to stay here.
So you really have
got nothing to Lose.
Now, Mr Dale has drawn up
something here which er...
Well, if you sign this,
we can just get on with it.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Gina.
Thelma.
Nurse, I wonder if you could
witness something for us.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm needed downstairs.
It won't take Long.
No, really.
What's the matter?
She's in no fit state to sign!
Nurse, we are doing this for her.
Then wait until she isn't medicated
up to the eyeballs.
It can't wait.
She needs the money
to pay for her fees.
I thought you owned the place.
Yes, my company does,
but they don't pay her bills.
I'm sorry, she has no real idea
what you're proposing
and I'm not gonna be a party to it.
400? Well, if you're not going to
give me what it's worth,
I'LL take it to auction.
I'LL go up to 500.
Right, the kitchen. Now, obviously
everything in here can go, so...
That's right, Mum.
Thank you, Matron.
Matron...where's Gina?
Gina?
What's happening?
We're moving you
to the Windsor Suite.
Where's that?
You'll see.
Gina?
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
No need to Look so worried.
We think you're well enough
to start enjoying yourself.
Good morning, Ladies.
Miss Nightingale,
your bed's over there.
This is Mrs Caldicot.
And this is your bed, dear.
There you are, Little fella.
You can't support all these.
I'LL bring you a nice drink of water
after dinner.
Leave the plants alone, Mr Hewitt.
Time they were done.
It's not your job.
Sit down and have your Lunch
before it gets cold.
It comes cold.
You're in the way, Mr Hewitt. Nurse!
That's the whole damn trouble here -
we're all in the way.
(MIMICS rum)
Oh, don't you start.
Don't you start.
Does she always do that?
Yes.
Would you like these?
No, thank you. I don't smoke.
Struth! To think I spent five years
with a bomb strapped to my arse
just for this!
HAWKSMOOR: For goodness' sake, Enid,
will you get your feet on
the supports and out of the spokes?
I don't think she can help it -
she's got no feeling in her Legs.
Thank you, Miss Nightingale.
We can do without
your vast medical experience (!)
He sounds just like Henry.
Don't push it around the plate,
Mrs Caldicot.
Get it down.
(PUTS DOWN CUTLERY)
That's all there is
until six o'clock. Chop-chop.
...upset yourself, Love.
It's not worth it.
Hm.
You're obviously very fond of plants.
You'd think it was a crime
around here.
Wouldn't they Let you
Look after a bit of the garden?
Hawksmoor says...
people wouldn't pay good money
if they saw the residents all mucky
and sweaty in the garden.
You think they'd encourage you
to take an interest.
The only thing they encourage
people to do around here is sleep.
Hey, don't take the pills.
Guess what he's playing.
I've no idea.
Oh, aye, I've watched him for years.
I don't know. I...
Well, guess. Go on, go on.
Just have a guess.
I don't know. Er...Beethoven? Mozart?
Oh, God, no! No, no.
He wouldn't play German music.
What, then?
Beside the Seaside.
Yeah.
What?
# Oh, I do Like to be
beside the seaside
# Oh, I do Like to be
beside the sea #
You're a bloody semitone out,
Hewitt!
Sorry, Bernard.
And about 20 bars behind.
Why don't you play the real thing?
It's Locked,
courtesy of the top brass.
It would only disturb the guests.
Look at them!
They're all as deaf as posts.
Too noisy? Keep them all awake?
If only it would.
You're going to be talking
to yourself till dinnertime.
(SNORES)
(ORGAN MUSIC FADING IN)
But you like company.
I want to go home, Derek.
There's nobody to Look after you.
And frankly, Mum,
I couldn't Leave you there alone.
You wouldn't want to come home
with Veronica and me, would you?
With Veronica? No, thank you.
Well, that's what I thought.
Mum, you have to trust me
like you trusted Dad.
You still haven't told me
why they've moved me.
Because you don't need
the constant nursing any Longer.
Plus there's a financial advantage.
You sound just like him now. What?
Your father.
Look, I've invested a Lump sum
for you... A Lump sum?
So you will have a steady income.
But you've still got to be careful.
A Lump some?
Yeah, from the sale of the house.
What?
The... The house has been sold?
Yes.
My house?
Well, my house, actually, Mum,
but yes.
Don't you remember?
You signed the papers.
Don't you remember? You signed
the papers.
How's Thelma?
ALL the better
for someone to talk to.
Well, it could be a bit livelier
if your son got Hawksmoor
to change the regime here.
What do you mean?
Don't be fooled by the uniforms.
We're not properly paid,
but we're cheap.
You mean people get neglected?
No, not exactly.
You see Miss Nightingale?
She's got early onset dementia, but
she's more mobile than you'd think.
And she can hold
a good conversation.
Suddenly she's
off into her own world again
or behaving like a child.
No, she just needs a bit of TLC.
Which would mean more costly staff.
So they shove a pill down her.
Same with Mrs Peterborough.
Now, she really does have a problem.
She feels she's got no personality
of her own.
That's why she mimics everyone.
In fact, she's as strong as a horse.
Now, the only way that Matron
can keep her completely quiet
would be to knock her out.
That's expensive on the nursing.
So they just keep her drowsy?
Minimum maintenance.
It's all down to money.
(MUMBLES)
Hello, Nancy.
Nearly Lunchtime.
I've got your medication here.
Nancy, would you like me
to do the pills for you?
I know how busy you girls get
at mealtimes.
Oh, well, I shouldn't really,
but it would be a help.
Sure you don't mind?
Not at all. Give rne something to do.
Here you are, then.
Make sure you get them down them.
Oh, they'll go down, all right.
She's gone.
Promise you won't tell Miss Knight
that we played a trick on her
or we'll have to stay in again
after school.
I won't tell, Audrey.
I'm your friend.
Hewitt and I have been considering
you very carefully, Mr Caidicot.
Have you now?
And we are agreed
that you should be asked to join
our escape committee.
How many have you got?
Just Hewitt and me.
I'm the brains, he's the brawn.
So he reckons.
So what's the plan?
Tunnelling was the favoured option
and then Hewitt here
went and Lost the bloody trowel.
So now what?
Well, currently we have a plan
to kidnap two of the nurses,
take their uniforms
and then Leave in disguise.
I think I've seen the film.
Yes.
Well, of course, we realised
that we might not get very far
before somebody
spotted something suspicious,
but...well, it would be
a breath of fresh air for us.
Now you see
why we need some new ideas.
Why don't you just walk out?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm serious. Why don't you?
Well, first, Hawksmoor's got
the pension books.
Yes, and all our allowances
are docked in the office.
Cabbage again?
(SEXUAL GROANING)
WOMAN: Oh! Oh, Henry!
HAWKSMOOR: Yeah! Yeah!
Oh! Oh! Oh, yes!
I'm just coming!
What is going on?
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Miss Nightingale...
...why aren't you eating?
Mr Hewitt?
Is this your influence,
Mrs Caldicot?
What exactly is the problem?
It's rubbish. That's the problem.
This is perfectly balanced
dietary cuisine.
Oh. Would you like to join us?
Mr Livingstone...
I'm with Mrs Caldicot.
So am I.
So am I.
A missed meal can cause
serious medical problems.
I hope you're prepared
to take on that responsibility.
Thank you.
Commander?
Yes?
You're flying Low, old boy.
What?
(ALL LAUGH)
Thank you. That was Lovely.
Erm...you're new here, aren't you?
Yes, that's right, Mr Hawksmoor.
Jolly good.
Mrs Caldicot.
In the interests of harmony,
I'm prepared to forget
our contretemps this Lunchtime.
Because of your son's position
in the company,
you're a special guest here.
ALL I ask is that you don't
abuse your position.
I don't think I quite understand.
Oh, I think you do.
We deal here
with vulnerable elderly people.
They're not nearly as vulnerable
as you make out.
Mrs Caldicot,
you really have no idea.
We deprive them of their medication
and then their fears, their worries
and their neuroses
run riot at great damage to
themselves. And your bank balance.
If this place didn't pay its way,
these people would be on the street
Looking for somewhere else to Live.
Then they really would
feel vulnerable.
You give it some thought.
Bowls.
I'm sorry?
Mr Hewitt said
you confiscated the bowls.
Ah, yes, yes.
Matron felt it was prudent. Matron?
Hips, knees, backs. Staff could
spend days on outpatients.
Well, some of the residents
are fit enough, surely.
Most just think they are.
So no bowls?
No bowls, no.
Thank you, Mrs Caldicot.
'You're being walked all over
yet again, Thelma.'
'Another bloody Henry.'
'Well, this worm's just turned.'
I'd like a word with you, young man.
Why? What's your problem?
Caldicot, Department of Health.
I'd Like to show you a serious breach
of regulations. Follow me. Like what?
Well, for a start, you should be
wearing a hat and a hair net.
A hair net?
Shh.
We finally make a break and have to
take the bloody cabbages with us!
Hey up, they're coming.
If you'll give me a Lift into town,
I'LL consider overlooking it
this time.
OK. Great.
Shh.
I think we're moving.
Well spotted, Audrey.
Well spotted, Audrey.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Did we have to bring her,
of all people?
What was that?
Nothing.
Good.
'What's that banging in the back?'
'What banging?'
'You're not carrying immigrants,
are you?' 'You can't be serious.'
'I want you to stop this van
immediately.'
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
I think you're in enough trouble
for one day, aren't you?
(GROANS)
Better push off
before I call the police.
Right, you four, you're under arrest.
Follow rne.
Right, come on.
Left, right, Left, right.
Find Nurse Hanes.
Right, now, this is the spot.
We need some mats.
Mats? Is that what you use?
Well, Look, here's some.
Right, well, grab them.
I want a mat.
Everybody take one.
One for you.
Bernard's with Audrey
and Joyce, you go with Leslie.
I don't want Joyce. Can't I
have Audrey? I always get Joyce.
You go with him, then.
No. I tell you what.
If you don't stop arguing...
Right, now, swap over.
There we go. There you are.
(CHEERING)
HAWKSMOOR: No, no.
They're no danger to anyone,
just to themselves.
Well, Let's hope so, Sergeant.
That's very nice. Thanks.
Thanks very much.
What have you got to say?
About what?
The missing patients.
I don't know what you mean.
They went AWOL on your watch.
But I was dealing with
other residents.
I found the residue of medication
in the sink in their room.
Isn't it your duty
to see that they take it?
Don't bother to finish your shift.
We'll send your papers in the post.
Go.
Oh, thank goodness
you've found them!
Mrs Caldicot.
OFFICER: Out you get.
Mrs Peterborough.
ALL right, dear, in you come now.
That's it.
Safe and sound. That's good.
Thanks so much, Officer.
And the nurses will be with you
as soon as.
Miss Nightingale?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Stop that.
Stop it!
Quiet in the house!
Quiet! Upstairs, quiet, everyone!
Thank you.
You'll be interested to know that
because of the jaunts
of these people,
there'LL be no dinner for anyone
tonight.
Go to your rooms. Thank you.
Deep breaths, Derek. Deep breaths.
Say the wrong thing and she'll be
coming back with us.
I wanna speak to my mother
in private.
(DOOR OPENING)
Hello.
It was a very stupid,
selfish thing to do.
Selfish?
Taking geriatrics on an escapade
could have had
all sorts of consequences.
We all got back safely.
No thanks to you.
I don't know what their families
will say.
I don't think they give two hoots.
Oh, like us, I suppose?
It was just a bit of fun, Derek.
And do you think the police had fun
rounding you up? They didn't mind.
You could've been mugged and robbed.
What, for a handful of cabbages?
Look at this. Front cover.
Oh, it Looks much better
in the photo.
Well, it's not going to Look good
if this gets back to HQ. What?
That my mother
is the aging delinquent
running amok in one of
the most successful businesses
in our portfolio.
It was a game of bowls, Derek,
not World War Ill.
Don't act the innocent!
You and your gang
of wizened accomplices
deliberately cocked a snook
at the management.
Well, perhaps if
I'm such a bad influence,
maybe I'd better Leave.
This it not you talking, Mum.
You've made friends here.
More company than you've had
for years.
Can't you try just a Little bit
harder to make it work?
JOYCE: No pills! No pills!
You know they make you feel better.
No pills!
N
Is everybody all right?
What's happened?
While we were out,
Edith Roberts passed away.
Oh, I am sorry.
And Gina's been sacked.
No. What for?
She took the blame for us.
She took the blame for us.
Oh, that's awful.
There's a note.
I hid it under your pillow.
Keep taking the pills. Not.
(LAUGHS)
There we are.
Nothing Like a death
for keeping them quiet.
(INAUDIBLE WHISPER)
(PHONE RINGING)
ALL right if I go in?
Yes, go through. Thanks.
Ah, yes. Come in, Derek.
Something came up in conversation
with our auditor
which I thought I'd mention.
Fire away.
Don't jump the gun, Derek.
I hope it won't come to that.
He was working at
the Twilight Years rest home
when there was a sort of break out
by residents, he said.
Really?
Orchestrated, apparently,
by a Thelma Caldicot.
Your mother, fight?
Yes, )5.
True or false?
Well, there were a number
who sort of took off, as it were,
but they were fairly harmless.
That's not a view
shared by Hawksmoor.
He's used to one old dear
wandering off in her nighty,
but not a whole formation team.
No. Have a word with her.
L-I already have, JB.
Good. Get them to pop her some pills
or whatever they do
before she does herself an injury.
I wouldn't be best pleased
if incidents Like this became
a regular occurrence, Derek.
It's bad for morale.
Hawksmoor's turning in
some good figures for us.
Good night, Matron. Back to
the old routine in the morning.
Oh, I hope so.
God, I've missed
our afternoon therapy!
Mmm!
It's Eileen's bridge night tonight.
I'LL be back in a...couple of hours.
How are you doing?
Oh, don't tell Headmaster.
We're making a bomb.
Marvellous.
You're doing a great job.
No, no, don't wobble it -
it'll blow up.
Not tonight, Audrey.
Now, Joyce, you've got to
delay the nurse. (MIMICS)
I don't believe it.
Erm...I'll be back.
Come on, come on.
Supposing she won't believe me?
She will. Self-belief, Leslie.
We're all depending on you.
You know your Lines.
Now get in there.
Go on.
What's this - open day?
This is the kitchen, Mr Hewitt.
What do you want?
Can't you see I'm busy?
Matron's going bananas.
She sent me to get her dinner.
Has she? Why? Where's the nurse?
Oh, Nurse,
you'd better come quickly.
Mrs PeterborougHs
plopped on the carpet.
Great (!) I'm supposed to be
getting Matron's supper.
Where's she done it?
This way.
And she hasn't done anything.
She's just plopped down
on the carpet.
Here. Take it.
I'm off.
Don't forget to Lock up.
Remember, Joyce, it's your job
to delay the nurse.
What's happened?
(GROANS) Stop it!
Remember, Joyce, it's your job
to delay the nurse! (REPEATS)
Right, Let's be having it.
I've done it.
You'll put her to sleep
for a fortnight! (LAUGHS)
Oh, Matron, don't push it
round the plate.
Down the red Lane. Chop-chop.
Good Lad.
Now, then, flower,
where's your chip pan?
Remember, Joyce, it's your job
to delay the nurse! How we doing?
It's all in there.
"To delay the nurse.
Joyce, you can stop now.
Joyce, you can stop now.
The cook is going bananas.
Where's Matron's supper?
What?
No, there's Matron's supper.
I should hurry up if I were you.
Go on.
Heat the oil in a heavy-based pan.
Add the onion and garlic.
Whee!
And fry until softened and golden.
Is Cook in there with you?
Cook's doing fine.
Oh, aye.
She's just coming to the boil.
(LAUGHS)
She's starting to spit!
Aye! But not in the soup
for a change. (LAUGHTER)
Mrs Caldicot?
Is Mrs Caldicot there?
'Yes, Nancy, don't you worry.'
You just set the table and get
everybody ready for a big fry up.
You're not allowed fried anything,
Mrs Caldicot.
I know. And especially not with wine.
No, not with wine.
(LAUGHTER)
Wine?!
Matron? Matron?
Oh, my God!
Red or white for you.
What is it?
Er...Chateaux...
Chateaux? My favourite.
I'LL have white, please.
Oh.
Mind now. Hot plates.
Oh! Look at that.
Who's paying for this?
You are.
You're doing the washing up.
This reminds me of a Lorry driver
I used to see.
Whenever he asked me out to dinner,
this is what he meant.
But it was always welcome.
I A large man.l
Big hands.
Big everything, as far as I recall.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I just want to make a toast.
To Edith.
ALL: Edith!
Wherever you are.
ALL: Wherever you are.
And also, just on a personal note,
to Gina, wherever she is. Gina!
ALL: Gina!
Cheers.
And you've all got to clink glasses
or it's bad Luck.
Bernard?
How about some music?
Eh?
Yeah, come on. Let's get a crowbar
to that organ.
Good idea. Good idea.
# We'll gather Lilacs
in the spring again
# And walk together
down an English Lane
# Until our hearts
have Learned to sing again
# When you come home once more
# And in the evening
by the firelighfs glow
# You'll hold me close
# And never Let me go
# Your eyes will tell me
# ALL I want to know
# When you come home
# Once
# More #
(APPLAUSE)
(ORGAN MUSIC)
(MUSIC FADES)
Uh-oh. Bandit at nine o'clock.
Clear this drink away.
Where's Matron?
Lost your tongues, have you?
Whose idea was this?
It's Edith's wake.
We felt she needed a good send off.
Who says so?
I do. LES: So do I.
So do I.
And me. So do I.
MAN: Same here.
It's all right, folks.
I take full responsibility.
I felt it was something you would
have organised, had you been here.
Don't be clever with me.
I want you out of this place
first thing in the morning.
You can't do that.
If she goes, so do I.
Oh, you can't, Bernard.
You've got nowhere to go.
And this miserable bugger knows it.
Before breakfast, Mrs Caldicot.
Just a minute.
Oh, I am Leaving,
because I don't belong here.
In fact, none of us belongs here
in your second-rate,
overpriced knackefls yard.
And we don't need you
or our relatives
to tell us when we're ready for
the scrap heap.
We'll decide that. Do you know,
I spent 40 years of my Life
under the boot of a mean-spirited
tyrant just like you.
And I'm not going to
Let it happen again.
Good night, folks.
ALL: Good night. Thank you.
Good night to you.
I've got to Leave, Audrey.
But you can't go! You mustn't go!
Come on, Joyce, you sit
and watch the television.
There we are.
But you're my friend. What on earth
will I do without you?
Add two spoonfuls of olive oil
and a splash of vinegar.
Why is it, whenever I find a friend,
they disappear?
I won't disappear, I promise you.
It's happened all my Life.
They either go abroad or get
too busy or die on me Like he did.
Let's see what Amanda's got for us
this week.
Everyone's happier
since you came here.
But we'll see each other again
in the holidays.
(MUSIC ON TV)
What? Are we going on holiday?
No, no.
I'm a pole dancer.
Look, that's a better one there.
You won't come back.
I will. I promise I'LL come back.
(MIMICS TV)
God!
Have you seen my suitcase?
You can't come with me, Audrey!
I'm sorry.
(EMOTIVE VIOLIN MUSIC ON TV)
It's very sad.
(CRIES)
UN!
(FIRE ALARM)
(ALARM STOPS)
So, you can't even Leave
without creating a fuss.
Could you open the door, please?
I want to go. Me, too.
I'm going with her.
Me, too. I'm going with her.
MAN: Mrs Caldicofs Leaving!
We're all Leaving.
We're all Leaving.
If Thelma's going, I'm going, too.
Yeah, well, don't Leave without me.
You see what you've started?
You can't come with me, Audrey -
not dressed Like that.
I've got a coat. She says I can
go with her if I put my coat on.
She says I can go with her
if I put my coat on.
Listen, everyone,
I've no idea where I'm going!
You'll be responsible if anything
happens to any of these people!
Ooh, thank you very much,
Mr Hawksmoor.
This is the first decent thing
you've done since I got here.
Excuse rne.
She said I can go, too.
She says I can go with her.
Excuse me! Matron!
Matron, what the hell
is going on here?!
I don't know. It's Mrs Caldicot!
I LES: That'll tell him, won't it?I?
HAWKSMOOR: Mrs Caldicot!
Oh, yes, I'LL give you five minutes
before you're desperate
to come back.
And then it'll be too Late because
I'm Letting your rooms as of now!
MAN: Oh, get Lost!
Yes, and you can clear off as well
and join the rest of them!
Thelma, wait for us!
There's a bus coming.
The school bus.
Look, the school bus.
You stay here. Don't move.
Hey, don't do that!
Mind!
(TYRES SCREECHING)
Come on, Let's get on board.
Hey, are you mad? Can't you read?
This is a school bus.
Yeah, well, we're a group of
mature students.
Are you going anywhere near
the Old Manor Park Hotel?
Oi!
Come on, Joyce. Ignore him.
Get onto the bus. Come on.
Come on, guys. Load up.
DRIVER: You can't do this.
JOYCE: You can't do this.
Oh, God!
Careful.
Ooh.
Ooh, very nice.
It is.
0h!
You can see the nice fire.
JOYCE: Nice fire.
Now, everybody sit over there
and wait for me.
Now, everybody sit over there
and wait for me.
She can be quite useful at times.
Good morning.
May I help you, madam?
Yes, we'd like some rooms, please.
We'd like some rooms, please.
How many rooms, madam?
One each.
Er...12.
May I ask madam
how she wishes to pay?
Yes, my son will deal with that.
My son will deal with that.
Is that one son or two, madam?
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, sorry. Caldicot.
Thank you.
CLERK: Mr Caldicot.
Hello, Derek.
What's happened now?
I'm at the Old Manor Park Hotel.
You walked out?
Mother, you promised me.
Well, what else could I do?
'All right, all right.'
Well, it's probably for the best,
considering the trouble
you've caused me.
Well, just put them on to rne.
'All right.'
I'm sorry to trouble you,
Mr Caldicot.
Your mother has arrived
with no means of paying her account.
Yeah, that's fine. Just bill me
and I'll settle it all later.
Thank you, Mr Caldicot.
Now, how are the others
going to settle their accounts?
Oh, you'd better put those
on my bill.
Fine. Would everyone Like to sign
their names and addresses, please?
It's all the same address.
ALL of them?
We've escaped from a rest home.
Yes, Mr Jenkins.
Look after my Locker key, will you?
Break out from an old folks home?
That's quite a story.
Yes, I suppose so.
Who was that?
It's Mr Jenkins, madam.
Oh. And what does he do?
Director of
the Globe newspaper group.
Right behind you, darling.
Have I got my own telly?
Oh, yes. Everyone will have.
Marvellous!
This way.
Audrey?
Yes? You're in here.
Jackie Jones? I have a story
which may interest you.
How soon can you get here?
Bloody Nora!
Bloody Nora!
Look!
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
Mmm, delicious!
Audrey?
Mm?
Madam, your bath robe and slippers.
Your bath robe and slippers.
Heaven.
Heaven.
Come on, Joyce,
I'LL show you your room.
Thelma! Who's paying for all this?
Oh, don't worry about it, Bernard.
You just enjoy yourself.
Yeah, well, I'm not sure
I'm going to be able to sleep
without hearing him snoring.
I'm only next door, Hewitt -
it should travel.
Oh, aye, that's true.
(PHONE RINGING) I'LL go.
MAN: Look, Thelma!
Look what we've got.
Come on. We'll go.
Thelma!
Thelma! There's a woman downstairs
waiting for you in reception
with a television cameraman.
Oh.
Mrs Caldicot?
Yes.
Jackie Jones, TV South News.
Do you think you could come and talk
to our viewers?
L-I don't know. I've never done
anything like that before.
The publicity can only
help your cause. Right-o. Why not?
We'd like to know
about you and your friends -
where you've come from
and what you plan to do next.
I've no idea.
MAN: We're running.
OK, we're on.
Mrs Caldicot, you arrived
at the Old Manor Park Hotel today
at the head of a demonstration.
Where did you come from?
Well, it wasn't really
a demonstration.
And we all came from
the Twilight Years rest home.
And you Left there as a protest?
No, it wasn't a protest.
Oh, Jesus.
(PHONE RINGING) TV: A mass escape.
So why did you feel
you had to escape?
It all really started with
the food being so disgusting
and the whole place smelt of cabbage.
And one day,
I erm...refused to eat it.
So this is a war about cabbage
you're fighting?
Also it's about it being an
unpleasant, uncaring sort of place.
The car will be here at what?
6:00 on the dot?
Fine. I'LL make sure she's ready.
Just one second, sir.
Sir, it's for you. It's head office.
Got to go.
Nick Reid Show? ITV? Who is it?
Ham'
. yes'
Yes, sir?
Who told South East news?!
I thought it would be
good publicity, sir -
a haven of rest
for a stricken people.
Don't you know the Twilight Years
rest home is owned by us?
My God!
Let them stay,
then send them packing.
And get this woman off my screen!
Yes, sir.
Though I should perhaps mention...
'What?
She's on again tonight.
Then get her off!
(GASPS)
Audrey!
Isn't it wonderful?
I just pick up the phone, tell them
what I want and - poof - magic.
I know, my Love,
but there is the cost.
No, it doesn't cost a thing.
ALL they want is my autograph.
Am I famous?
Not yet. But you soon might be.
Thank you very much
for bringing me here, Thelma.
It's so nice to feel happy.
(THUDDING UPSTAIRS)
Thelma, come quick. Joyce is
watching Tom and Jerry. Oh, God.
JB. Everything all right?
Not exactly. Any idea where
your mother is, by any chance? Yes.
Good news on that.
She's moved out of Twilight Years
and moved into
the Old Manor Park Hotel. I know.
Together with 11 other crusties.
What?
She's been on the bloody Local news
saying how they've escaped
a Life 0t tyranny
and overcooked cabbage.
On television?
And tonight she's going nationwide.
Sort it out or I'm gonna
have your arse for a plate rack!
(PEOPLE TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)
You've no idea what might happen.
I think it'll be very interesting
and I want to try it.
It could be a terrible mistake,
Mrs Caldicot.
MAN: Look over here, please, madam.
Just over here. Thank you very much.
(PIANO PLAYING)
# Come, come,
come and make eyes at me
# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
# Da da da da da
# Come, come,
drink some more wine with me
# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
# Hear the Little German band
# Da da da da da da da...#
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Are you the manager? Yes, sir.
I want to speak to Mrs Caldicot.
Join the queue.
No, no, no. I'm her son.
Ah, Mr Caldicot.
I'm sorry, but your mother's
Left for the television studio.
She's on the Nick Reid Show.
I tried to stop her.
Nick Reid show?! I can't believe it!
Yes, sir, but if you could
just hang on a moment!
Don't know why we bother rehearsing.
It's not for my bloody benefit!
Don't worry,
his bark's worse than his bite.
I'LL see if he'll talk to you now.
Nick? Nick?
This is Mrs Caldicot.
Oh, Mrs Caldicot!
Hello.
She's much smaller than I imagined.
I saw you on the Local news
at Lunchtime wearing that outfit.
And I've seen you on there.
Is it Mick or Nick?
We are gonna get on
like a house on fire.
Don't you worry about a thing.
I'LL ask you about the cabbage
and you just tell me what happened.
Right-o.
Outfit is going to have to go.
This is prime time.
Get her into something half decent,
for Christ's sake!
Why does his wife
Let him wear that silly wig?
Shh!
The wig is classified information.
I've seen more convincing hair
on a Lavatory brush.
And that's not his wife.
Oh.
Come on, I'd better get you
into Make-Up and Wardrobe.
I just can't believe
they've done me up so beautifully.
You Look Lovely.
Thank you.
Round to the right here.
Right.
Don't be nervous.
I've got a few butterflies.
NICK: My wife does stand-up
and does jokes about me.
She says when I make Love,
I'm Like the Lottery -
bit of excitement, balls drop,
rollover. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Mother!
0h, hello, Derek.
Who are they?
That's my son. What do you want?
Think of my career!
We're on air in ten seconds.
Think of your family!
Shh! Get them back in their seats!
MC: Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Reid!
(TITLE MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello. Hello.
My first guest tonight
is a housewife.
But she's no ordinary housewife.
She hit the headlines
earlier this morning
when she Led a mass escape from
an old people's home. (LAUGHTER)
So, Ladies and gentlemen, here's the
Leader of the wrinkLies revolution.
Please welcome Thelma Caldicot!
Mrs Caldicot, you're in the news
because you Led a walk out
at the Twilight Years rest home.
That's right.
Now, it's being said
that you Led the walk out
because you couldn't stand cabbage.
That's rather extreme, isn't it?
Well, it's true that I didn't want to
eat any more cabbage,
but that's not why I Left.
Tell us why, then.
Well, I-l Left because it was a place
that was run with minimum care
for maximum profit
by a tinpot Little dictator.
Even so, some people are saying that
you're just an attention seeker.
Why on earth would anyone say that?
Because that's what children do,
isn't it?
They throw a tantrum when faced with
food they don't want to eat.
I'm not Looking for attention at all.
Oh, come on.
You're on national television.
Only because you asked me.
There's a film on the other side.
I'd much rather be watching that.
Good for you, Thelma!
Well, switch over, then!
Let's see it.
Don't you dare!
TV: Do you think your actions
will Lead to revolution
among our senior citizens?
I don't know.
You don't know?
That's not very responsible, is it?
(LAUGHTER)
Sometimes Life isn't about
knowing the answers.
It's about knowing
the right questions to ask.
Well, Let's swap seats, then.
You tell me
what the right questions are.
For a start, instead of
making cheap jibes at me,
why don't you ask me why we Lock up
these Lovely, decent people
just because they're getting old?
Oh, no, sorry, 'past it'.
What on earth does that mean?
Past what?
And the answer is...
I don't know what the answer is.
Maybe it's because we're selfish.
Why is it that we rob them
of their dignity
and stuff a Load of tranquillisers
down their throats
instead of offering them our help
and our care
and, most of all, our time?
You tell us.
And why is it that
the very sight of them repulses us,
the older and more feeble they get?
We've all done it, haven't we?
'Oh, don't Let me get like that.
If I get like that, shoot me.'
Maybe it's just fear.
And no, I don't know
what the answer is.
But I do know that these are
the questions we should be asking.
ALL of us.
Well, that's very enlightening,
isn't it?
Are there any more questions
you want to ask
before I Let tonight's star guest
get a word in edgeways?
Yeah, just one.
Hm? Why do you wear that daft wig?
(LAUGHTER)
Aye, good for you, Thelma!
But what shall I do
with my Lovely outfit?
Keep it.
That's the Least of their worries.
Will there be a car to take me home?
I'm sorry, Nick's vetoed
any more hospitality.
Take a taxi and send us a bill.
Very nice performance.
Thank you.
Do I know you?
Phillip Jenkins.
I was at the hotel
when you were checking in.
Oh, yes.
May I give you a Lift?
That's be Lovely, but is there
another way out of here?
Ah.
You're Looking Lovely, by the way.
Thank you.
Who were you avoiding?
Oh, my son and daughter-in-Law.
I think they're a bit cross with rne.
Why?
Well, they were the ones that put me
into the rest home in the first place
and they want rne to go back in.
I see.
Derek, my son, he's a director of
the property company that owns it.
By God, you Let them off the hook
tonight.
This is a big story.
Ah. Can't turn against
your own flesh and blood,
no matter what they've done.
I suppose you'll write about it,
won't you? You are a journalist.
Sort of. But I'm not a hack.
What do you mean?
I wouldn't print anything
you didn't approve of.
Hmm.
I'm afraid my trust in people
is a bit frayed round the edges
at the moment.
I'LL just have to take my time,
then.
Would you like a nightcap?
Oh, OK.
I'LL find the barman.
Right.
Mrs Caldicot, I'm glad I caught you.
Yes?
It's your booking.
I'm afraid we have no spare rooms
after tonight.
I see.
Orders from above?
No, no. A prior arrangement.
A company booking.
Prove it.
I'm sorry?
Show rne the booking.
Madam, I don't have to
prove anything.
Now, Listen.
I Led a walk out earlier on today
and tomorrow, unless you change
your attitude,
I shall be organising a Lie in.
Mrs Caldicot, please.
What's going on?
He wants to throw us all out.
Is this true?
Please, sir.
You are a much valued customer here,
but with the greatest respect,
this is not your business.
With the greatest respect, it is.
Mrs Caldicot has agreed to tell
her story exclusively for the Globe.
(SIGHS)
I need some fresh air.
Great Long streak of misery.
Thank you for that. I didn't relish
another confrontation.
You surprise me. You're getting
rather good at confrontation.
I know. And a few days ago,
I wouldn't have said boo to a goose.
I meant what I said about the Globe.
My story? One day wonder.
Right now, you're front page news,
Thelma.
It'd finish Derek and Veronica.
I couldn't take that responsibility.
Well, that's tough, I know,
but from what I've seen,
you've inherited and even bigger
responsibility in there. I know.
Well, we can't stay here much longer.
No.
I want to find them a place where
they can all be together, you know.
I'm not Letting them go back there.
Look, Let's put our heads together.
Not tonight. We'll have Lunch
tomorrow and talk it all over.
Ooh, I'd like that.
My pleasure. Thank you very much.
I'LL call you in the morning.
Right. Good night.
Good night.
Don't roll over, Thelma.
'Very nice performance.'
'You're Looking Lovely, by the way.'
Not bad, Thelma.
No, you can't.
Yes, you can, Thelma.
You can do anything you like.
Only one thing missing from this -
a bell. A bell.
Why isn't our beautiful, illustrious
leader here enjoying herself?
Too busy, Hewitt.
My bike had a very Loud bell.
I saw the chap whisking her away.
Suppose someone
stepped out in front of us.
Thought I spotted
a bit of hand kissing.
Aye-ayenayeqqye!
Knocked it down?
For a housing development.
I don't believe it.
You'd better. Mr Derek Caldicot
stands to make a small fortune.
And he never told you?
No.
That was the only decent thing he did
for me in 40 years of marriage -
to Leave me with a roof over my head.
And now my son's...
taken it away from me.
Out again?
'I'm afraid so, sir.'
I'm sorry, I don't believe you.
'Well, I've got -'
Put me through to the manager!
It's Mr Caldicot.
Ah, Caldicot.
Mr Caldicot, I'm so glad you called.
Are you blocking my calls
to my mother's room?!
No, certainly not.
'I'm sending a car for her.'
'Get her bags packed!'
She was picked up an hour ago, sir.
Picked up? Who by?
A director of the Globe newspaper.
If you could just wait a moment, I'd
like to discuss Mrs Caldicofs bill.
Hello. Er... Hello?
'Hello? Hello?!'
Thanks, Bob.
OK, bye. Thanks, Bob.
Bye-bye.
That wasn't easy.
But you feel better?
Yeah, you're damn right I do.
Thelma, you said nothing
you need be ashamed of.
Be a few ugly faces tomorrow, though.
About time, too.
Relax. You were very good.
I haven't had many times like this,
you know. What?
Good company, nice places.
It wasn't until my husband died
that I realised that...he hadn't
shared any of those things with me.
Are you married?
Was. It ended ten years ago.
Sorry, l...didn't mean to be nosy.
Not at all. I'd want you to know.
Why?
Because...l hope we're gonna
keep in close touch.
Good.
Good.
Now, the problem of
your displaced seniors.
Yeah. Where are we gonna
get them in quickly?
I thought your son and his boss
could work that one out...
tomorrow morning.
I don't follow.
The Globe rings Derek's boss
for a quote.
He blows a fuse and calls
an emergency board meeting tomorrow.
But on a Sunday?
Yes.
And you'll be the surprise guest.
No doubt you'll explain why.
No doubt. But first, I think
we'd better get your things
and book you in somewhere tonight.
You may have unwelcome visitors.
(KNOCKING)
Just a minute!
0h, hello, Derek.
Yes, Derek. So you remember me (?)
Course I do.
Why haven't you returned my calls?
I've been very busy.
Oh, I know.
Mother, this nonsense
has got to stop!
Get packing!
I am. What nonsense has got to stop?
I mean the public abuse
you have showered on your family
and the company that I had hoped -
(KNOCKING) Just coming!
And now what's this
about the Sunday Globe?
Excuse me, madam.
I need to talk to Mr Caldicot.
Not now.
I'm afraid it can't wait, sir.
Well, what is it?
The account, sir.
Well, Look, stick it on this.
She is checking out.
I've got to go now, Derek.
12 rooms and sundry items.
12 rooms?
I'LL phone you Later.
12 rooms and sundries.
Oi! I can't get out!
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(CHUCKLING)
Something amusing, is there?
Hm?
That's my copy, I think.
Mr Hawksmoor, it's JB!
Tell him I can't come to the phone.
He isn't on the phone.
Just cut him off!
I can't cut him off! He's here!
He's here?
He's just driven into the car park!
B". Hawksmoor? Hawksmoor?
Hawksmoor!
Nervous?
Yep.
I'm not Looking forward to this.
It's no fun putting your family
on the street.
It's what they did to you.
I wish you'd come in with me.
No, it's your show.
I'LL wait for you out here.
Knock 'em dead.
JB: Well, as you north country
people say,
you've got a brass neck.
What's your answer?
Sorry. I really am sorry.
We've been Looking for her all over.
She's been without her medication.
Come on, Mum.
Let me go, Veronica. Good girl.
What are you doing?
She's here to save
the Twilight Years rest home,
and all her wrinkly friends,
from the knackefls yard. Oh?
How? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
This should be good.
Now she's ruined it, she wants to
buy it off us. Whatever for?
Properly run, it could be
everything that you claimed it to be.
Well, who's going to run it? You?
The asylum run by the patients?
Where are you gonna
get the money from?
From here.
She wants us
to give her the mortgage
as well as a knocked-down price.
Thanks for this, Derek (!)
Mother, what are you trying to do?
You've been selfish and thoughtless.
Oh, dear.
Perhaps mother should try
another course of medication.
She certainly hasn't
got her head on straight.
Oh, do you mean like I had the day
you forced me to sign over my home?
It wasn't your house!
It was mine to Live in!
And systematically wreck?
Wreck?!
Is that why you drugged me and
stuffed me in an old people's home?
It was for your own good, Mother.
Do you know something, Derek?
In the end, I suppose it was.
When I finally came to,
I realised that I had been...
bullied all my life.
First by your father,
then by you and then by her.
And finally by that mob
at the Twilight Years
who ran the place
for nobody's best interest
expect their own
and this property company.
And now, thanks to you,
it's no use to anybody.
What are your readers gonna say
about that?
Not nearly as much as they'll think
when they hear about your project.
What? What?
The development of her old home.
The Globe fleshed out the details.
And it will be on the front page
next week unless...
Mum?
That's blackmail.
I suppose it is.
Oh, Derek...try to see
the funny side.
Do you know something?
He never Laughed.
Even as a baby.
Not even when he was tickled.
How'd it go?
It's in the Lap of the gods.
Well, it-it-it's wonderful!
Wonderful.
It's so different.
Of course it's different -
we're in charge now.
Hello, my darling.
And Gina's the matron now.
Gina!
LES: She'll Let me
do the garden now.
Come on. Everyone's waiting
to start the party.
Welcome home.