Mum, I'm Alien Pregnant (2026) Movie Script
1
Oh shit.
What are you doing
hiding back here?
I'm not hiding, I'm just...
just resting.
Rest is something you do
when you're tired from working.
What you're doing out here
is called rotting.
Mum, I just need some space,
-some time.
-Time for what?
To continue to decompose.
-Is that my ice cream?
-Maybe.
Well when you've finished
contaminating it with chips,
you can pop to the dairy
and replace that for me.
Okay, good chat. Thank you, Mum.
Well, if you're feeling tired
during the daytime,
why don't you just give up
the screens in bed?
Worked for me.
Yeah, good idea. I'll do that.
Mary?
- Oh!
- What the fuck, Mum?
Sorry, I didn't want to knock,
I thought you'd be sleeping.
Oh my God,
that does not make it okay.
What, to check on my
own daughter? I think it does.
I've been checking on you
your whole life.
Okay, well you can stop now,
thank you.
Oh, look at all this
dirty clothes.
Can you not?
Oh...
oh...
what a pigsty.
Sweetheart?
I'm having a hard time sleeping
and I'm just worried
that the neighbours
will be too so...
maybe you can think
about that and...
maybe stop doing whatever it is
that you're doing.
Okay?
Okay.
Good morning, Boo.
Now, I noticed that you didn't
take out the rubbish last night.
And, and it is
the chore you chose.
So...
I just, I just hope you're
not expecting me to do it.
Kids are dicks.
Sorry?
They're dicks.
Oh, are they?
I'm sorry, I was
talking about my kid.
Well, she's not a kid anymore,
she's almost 30.
Have you just moved in?
Oh a couple of months ago.
Oh, sorry, we haven't
met already. I'm Cynthia.
Oh, it's okay, we're just
very private people.
Oh, you and your partner?
No, um...
- ...me and my son.
- Oh, I knew it.
It's funny,
I haven't seen him around.
How old is he?
Oh, he's an adult
but he doesn't
come out of his room much
Oh, you know what?
Neither does my daughter.
I'm glad she's not
the only one, though.
I was starting to believe
it was something to do with me.
Uh, would you like a cup of tea?
No.
-Is that your daughter?
-Yes. She hates that photo.
Look, I hope it's okay for me
to ask you this.
I don't know if you've been
on any of the dating apps.
Oh, I'm really not interested
in anything like that.
Oh, you're not missing much.
You know, I just thought,
you know,
I'd put something out there
just because the kids
are both the same age
and they're both single.
Oh, no, I really don't think
that's a good idea.
Wow.
Okay.
You know, she's lost weight
since that photo was taken.
-Oh, no, no, no.
-You know, plus...
a new relationship
might inspire them
to get their lives together
a bit, you know?
Well, look, the thing is,
my son...
my son has a deformity.
You can't tell
just by looking at him but,
it affects
his confidence socially, so...
Oh, getting out there might be--
No, I'm...
I'm really not comfortable
-with that idea, Cynthia.
-Oh.
Well, I see, no... no stress.
Thank you.
What kind of deformity
does he have, if I may ask?
It's just the kind
we don't talk about.
Baby, I know
you're having a hard time and...
you know I love having you here,
but I actually just need
to use the bathroom, sorry.
I don't actually know
why I'm apologising to you,
for needing to pee
in my own house.
I want to move out.
Oh baby girl that would be
great for you...
or even just go out
once in a while.
Did you get that link I sent you
about overcoming depression?
I don't think I'm depressed.
Well, you don't seem very happy.
Yeah, I'm happy when I'm alone.
Oh, if you're going to move out,
you can start doing
your own laundry.
Yeah, maybe I'll get to see
a little bit less of this.
You know,
you did most of this to my body.
And it was the most empowering
and rewarding thing
that ever happened to me.
Well, you're welcome.
Speaking-of, I met
our new neighbour today.
She's got a son your age.
-Subtle, Mum.
-Apparently he's got
a deformed penis
or something, but...
I thought you'd be into it
based on your search history.
Ugh...
I love having
no boundaries with you.
Oh, me too.
Where are you going?
I'm going to go
do my own laundry.
It's the middle of the night!
Oh, come on!
Sorry.
Who the fuck are you?
Sorry, just, um,
my, my load is in there.
If I could just, um...
Oh.
No, well, I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- Yep.
Sorry, I, I didn't know
that you, um...
Humping the dryer?
-Yep.
-Hmm.
Hey do you live with your mum?
Um, yes.
You have
some kind of weird dick?
No.
No, no, no. Um, no,
that's not true. I don't know.
Oh, well, my mum said
your mum said
you've got,
like, a deformed penis.
My... my mum
wouldn't say that, so...
Oversharing mum, eh?
-I mean, not normally.
-Sucks, eh?
-Fricken' eh!
-Right?
-I mean, sometimes.
-Hmm.
It's just, like...
-No, look, I get it.
-Yeah, thanks.
-So, can I see it?
-What?
No, sorry, no.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Good boundaries.
Um... um, maybe see you around?
No, I'm going to move out,
so probably not.
Oh, cool, cool.
Goodbye.
Okay, bye.
Sorry, excuse me. Uh, sorry.
Um, do you-- Do you think maybe
that you can not tell anyone
what your mum said
about what my mum said about,
well, my penis? If that's okay.
-Sure.
-It was very r-ice to meet...
Sorry, really nice to meet you.
Not rice. Um.
-Um...
-Yeah, uh-huh.
Sorry if I made it
awkward before.
No, it's all good.
I'm sorry for asking
about your weird dick.
It's not weird.
It's some kind of special.
- Here we go.
- No, no, really. Um...
It has, like, tentacles.
-Fuck off.
-Like, uh, little ones.
How little?
Like, I... I can
show you if you want.
I don't know.
You're the one
with the boundaries.
Oh, I... Pfft.
I mean,
I don't get the... I don't mind.
I fucking knew it.
Well, come on, then.
Let me see it.
Okay, but, like, you can't tell
my mum or your mum because,
um, we'll have to move again.
Okay. Okay, thank you
for telling me that.
-Can you shut the door?
-Yeah, yeah. Yes.
Hey, and maybe
you already know this but...
just because I'm, like,
agreeing to look at your...
whatever, I don't want to be
your girlfriend, okay?
-No, I... I know, I know.
-And I'm not going to touch it.
Okay.
Cool.
Whoa!
Why does it look like that?
I, I guess, um...
my mum actually
got abducted by aliens
and that's how she got
pregnant with me or whatever.
I... I don't know.
-You don't know?
-Um...
No, she doesn't really...
like, talk about it.
-Yeah?
-I think
she's, like, pretty embarrassed
because, like,
I'm a child of sin or whatever.
Um, but, actually, one time
when I was really sad,
she said that maybe
I'm, like, the next step
of human evolution or something.
Um, you know, which, uh,
is kind of dumb.
Kind of looks like a pussy.
No, it's just cold in here.
So do you...
you know.
I, I, I kind of like,
do like a...
And the tentacles?
They sort of
do whatever, they're...
they're kind of involuntary.
Are they slimy?
Only if I get too sweaty.
Right.
Hey, do you mind if I...
like, jill off a little bit?
Please, go hard.
-Okay.
-Um...
Yeah.
Can you, like,
shut your eyes, please?
Yeah. Sorry. Um, uh, wait.
You mean like this?
Can you please move it around
a little bit?
Wait, so have you started?
Shut your eyes.
Sorry, okay. Sorry.
Um, sorry, actually, do you mind
if I jill off as well, please?
Yes.
Can you just
please stop talking?
-Okay.
-Okay. Thank you, sorry.
Oh, you like that baby girl?
-Oh, shut the fuck up!
-Sorry, sorry.
Fuck your shutting eyes!
Sorry. Yes. Sorry.
What the fuck was that?
-Uh, what?
-You splooged on me.
No, I... no, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Right on my-- Oh my God.
Shit, what you? You...
you weren't wearing undies?
Yeah well, you didn't say,
It shoots acid.
You could have pointed it
at the fucking wall.
Please, please,
please do not tell my mum.
I'm gonna tell whoever I want.
You can't just go around
jizzing on people.
That shit makes babies.
But you,
you told me to touch it.
Well, you could've pointed it
at your fucking face next time.
Uh, next time?
Stop looking at my vagina.
-Yeah, sorry.
-Shit.
Mary?
Why have you got no pants on?
They got jizz on them.
Girl jizz?
No, Mum, alien jizz.
Why do you have to be
so sarcastic with me?
I'm not being sarcastic.
It burned a hole in my pants.
Now you're looking
for some of my pants.
No, Mum, I need to borrow
your car, please.
What?
No.
- When?
- Now.
What time is it?
It doesn't matter,
but it has to be now.
- Oh.
- Where are your keys?
It matters to me?
Because it's my car.
Come and get into bed with Mum
and tell me what's up.
Oh! No, Mum.
You know, just so you know...
it's pretty much impossible
to get pregnant
without having
proper P and V sex.
Okay, cool.
Let's just still take
some precautions, all right?
'Cause of course
you could be ovulating,
which would increase
your chances eh?
You know, for some people...
myself included, having a baby
is a real wake-up call.
Well, it gives you purpose,
a chance to get
your life together.
Mum...
it wasn't a normal human penis.
Oh, the penis
has got nothing to do with it.
It's all about you.
And your own journey as a woman.
Well, it had tentacles.
-What?
-Yeah.
It was that boy.
You met his mum.
The deformed one?
Can you not say that?
Differently-formed.
It's more appropriate.
I can see why you want
to take precautions, but...
look, if not now when?
You won't be young forever,
you know.
And having a baby is so much
easier when you're younger.
But maybe you're a natural.
Yeah, maybe I don't need
to become a mother
to give my life meaning.
I'll sit here, shall I?
Oh, shit.
What?
-You don't have any money.
-No, do you?
I'm not going in there
in my pyjamas.
That's totally fine,
you don't have to come in.
Can I just borrow
your card please?
Uh, so, um...
you've been engaging in,
uh, unprotected intercourse?
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
Uh, how... how...
how many hours since the...
unprotected intercourse?
-One.
-And in the last two weeks...
have you engaged in any other
unprotected intercourse?
No.
Right. Well, uh,
when was your last period?
Fuck, I don't know,
I don't know.
But I, I just want to be
on the safe side.
-He had a deformed penis, so...
-Can you stop?
I'm just saying.
-It's why she's being like this.
-Shut up.
It's not
that she doesn't want kids.
Well, you'll be pleased to know
that the Postinor does not
damage the, uh, unborn baby.
If you still do become pregnant.
-Oh, that's good, isn't it?
-That's all right.
Right.
Now then, uh, if you, uh,
vomit in the next three hours...
you should come back
and get another one.
-That'll be $40, thank you.
-Okay. Thank you.
Oh, by... by the way,
how much do you weigh?
Huh?
- A lot.
- Why do you-- Shut up.
The pill only works
up to a certain body weight,
which I believe is, uh, 70 kgs.
-Are you fucking serious?
-Mary.
-Give me another one.
-Please. Please.
That'll be $80,
thank you very much.
Thank you.
Ah!
I'm so glad we did that.
Yeah?
-Thanks, Mum.
-You're welcome, baby.
You can still pay me back,
though. It wasn't cheap.
No!
Mary! Mary! Wake up!
Wake up! Mary! Wake up!
Oh. Oh.
I'm fine.
Oh, you didn't look fine.
You looked like you
were having a full-on nervous
-breakdown.
-I'm fine.
I just want you to be
non-aggressive. All right
Don't be so aggressive,
- with that attitude.
- Why are you saying that?
I've never been aggressive?
- Already made friends?
- We're not friends,
we don't need to go in
we can just be at the door.
I've already
made friends with the woman.
She's not you're friend.
Play nice,
for God's sakes.
Think you can do this?
Yes, of course,
I can do it.
It's not my fault.
All right,
stabilise your mood.
Oh. Okay.
Don't have a cup of tea, okay?
I will if I want to.
Because
you're really aggressive,
- I can see in your eyes.
- That's so rude.
Oh, hey Ann. Is this a good time
for a little convo?
Not really, no.
Oh, look, it's a bit sensitive.
Can... can we sit down?
Is there a problem?
Oh, I think
you need to hear this.
Can I offer you
a hot drink? Tea or a coffee?
-No.
-Oh, I'd actually
love a coffee, thanks.
- Oh, instant, okay?
- Oh, yes, that's fine.
- Milk and sugar?
- Just milk, thanks.
And you don't want a hot drink?
A hot chocolate?
No.
- A Milo?
- Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Oh, this place is really clean.
We've got company.
If you've come to see my son,
I should let you know
that he doesn't come out
of his room much, so...
Just get the hot drinks.
I've actually already met him.
-What?
-Mm-hmm.
When?
I met him last night.
Well, that's why
we're here, actually.
I wanted you to know
that they've had relations.
No,
don't say it like that.
Well, they fluid Bonded.
-What?
-He jizzed on my pants.
Hmm.
Right.
He's probably just still asleep.
I'll just, um...
I reckon you should let me
handle the talking.
-Maybe we should just go, Mum.
-Well, I'm okay.
But you can leave at any time,
baby girl.
Go and have an Epsom salts bath
and some raspberry leaf tea.
And stop scratching.
You look like a druggo.
There he is.
Um...
Hello Mary. Um, it's good to,
um, see you again.
Hey.
Uh, is this your mum?
Oh, yeah. Cynthia, hi.
It's good to meet you.
Um, uh,
can I interest anyone, um...
in, in a hot drink or
Oh Jesus, Mary!
- Mum!
- Oh, yeah,
I'm getting something.
- Why does it look like that?
- It looks, uh, normal.
Do you...
Do you think it was the pills?
No.
She had to have
two morning-after pills
-because of her weight.
-It's not the pills.
It's his fucking
alien penis juice.
- Oh my God.
- No, no, no.
- No. It was... it was an
accident. - What?
You tripped over
and it fell out of your pants.
No, but she... she told me
to take it out.
- Oh, did she?
- Oh, so fucking what?
Well, it means
-you kind of asked for it.
-No, I was asking to see it,
not be impregnated by it.
-One thing leads to another
-One thing does lead to another.
-Why do you keep scratching?
-Because I feel like it!
-What's that on your neck?
-Stop.
-Do you have a rash?
-No.
- You do? Look.
- Where?
Where?
- Oh.
- What?
- Oh.
- Oh.
Boo.
Fuck!
- Hello.
- Hi.
Uh, my daughter has a rash.
Um, no, I think
I might be alien-pregnant.
Oh, what kind of rash?
Oh, nasty, itchy, scabby one.
-Can you...
-And then she vomited one time.
Have you done a pregnancy test?
No, but she did take
two morning-after pills.
When was your last menorrhoea?
I don't know.
-Your period?
-Your period?
Yes. I know what it is.
-I don't know.
-A long time?
A couple of weeks.
And the sex was just last night.
We didn't have sex.
Well, he... he had
a differently-formed phallus.
Excuse me,
can you please shut the--
Oh.
Uh, yep.
Yeah, it looks like semen.
- Hmm.
- What?
Uh, fill out this.
And, um...
doctor will come
and get you, all right?
Thanks.
Come on.
Thanks, Mum.
You know, I actually
had a really shit time
being pregnant with you so,
I don't blame you
if it isn't something
you want for yourself.
Uh, that's great.
Yeah, then again might have
a really positive experience.
You might find
some joy in it, eh?
Some bliss.
I found mine, eventually.
And maybe a baby isn't
what you wanted at first, but...
maybe one day...
you'll look back at this time...
as the time you almost made the
biggest mistake of your life.
But if you are pregnant...
maybe it's a sign
from the universe.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Yeah.
- Hmm.
- Oh, look.
That's nothing to worry about.
Yeah. It's fine.
Totally fine.
-Well, what is it?
-Oh, it's a PUPPP rash.
Yeah. I wouldn't worry too much.
I could probably suggest
a cream if it's itchy.
Is it a bit itchy?
Okay, but what causes it?
Hormones.
But like I said,
it's totally normal.
Oh, that's good.
No, no, no. It's actually
not normal for me, so...
Is this your first pregnancy?
Am I pregnant?
-Aren't you?
-No, I'm not.
I, I don't want to be.
Whoops. Sorry, my mistake.
What I meant to say was
the PUPPP rash and the vomiting,
would indicate that you might
actually be pregnant.
-So, congrats.
-Oh!
Uh, alien pregnant?
No.
Well, we might book in
for a scan
at 21 weeks with Judy. Uh,
but until then, I'd just suggest
this as a normal
human pregnancy.
-Oh, that'd be great.
-No, because it wasn't
a normal human penis.
Lucky for some.
No, it had tentacles, okay?
And vag-seeking acid spunk.
Yeah, normally
I'd need a sample of that.
Okay. Probably some on these.
Yeah, I think
they might be contaminated.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Pop that in the bin.
No, no, no.
You... you could do a test.
I'll pop it in the bin
and we'll test it later.
Oh.
Fuckin' hell.
Oh.
-Whoa.
-Oh.
-Oh.
-Your... your breasts
are swelling, baby girl.
Oh, that's interesting.
- Oh.
- Is it?
-Has that happened before?
-What?
- No! Fuck!
- Mary.
You'd probably be
more comfortable
with a female doctor,
-wouldn't you?
-Yes, probably.
Yeah. Okay.
I wonder who's on call.
Wait!
No, no, wait. Please.
- Mary--
- Please make it stop.
Jesus Christ.
Do I have consent
to touch your breasts?
-Yes.
-Yes!
- Ow.
- Mastitis.
Oh.
Sudden, onset mastitis.
Okay, it feels like shit.
Please make a stop.
Is that nipple following me?
- What?
- What?
Oh, Mary!
Um.
Wow. Okay. I'll just--
Ow! Back in a tick.
-What did you do?
-Oh my God. What?
You shot him
in the eye with your tits.
Oh, Mum.
He might not be able to see now.
He's a doctor. He heals people.
Oh!
-Mum?
-What?
I think I felt something move.
Hmm.
Okay.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, it might
just be a bad angle.
We'll keep an eye
on that anyway.
Excuse me. Can I help you?
Yes, can you do
my daughter next, please?
-She might be alien pregnant.
-No, I'm sorry. No, no.
-You can't be in here.
-Mum, we shouldn't honestly.
-It's fine.
-No, it's not. You stay.
No, you stay there.
Mum, we should go.
Come on.
Mum, can-- Mum!
- Let's go. I'm sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
-Don't worry about it.
-Is she okay?
Yeah. We get a lot
of big feelings in here,
a lot of heightened emotions.
I'm sorry
we barged in like this.
There's nobody at reception.
It's okay. All right.
Well, we can just see you now.
Come on.
Sorry.
It's just a PUPPP rash.
-How many weeks are you?
-I don't know.
Um...
His, his penis was like alien,
so I think maybe it's
happening quite a bit faster.
Okay. Well, I don't know
about that sort of thing.
This is an internal wand.
We're going to get
a much clearer picture
at this early stage.
Up to you, though.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Mum, Mum, please just
turn around for this bit.
Now, you're going to be
much more comfortable
on your side with your knees up.
Put your knees right up.
Thank you. Thank you.
There we go. Okay.
Coldness coming in now.
There you go.
All right.
Here's your uterus.
-Oh.
-So if you are pregnant,
you should see a foetus
right about...
There. Ow!
-Did you see that?
-What?
I fucking told you there was
something inside of me.
-Language!
-I saw it.
-How big was it?
-Oh, about 12 weeks.
- Oh.
- Well, how big is that?
-Kumquat-size.
-How big is that?
About that.
Oh. Is it too soon
to know if it's a boy or a girl?
-Yeah, slightly too soon.
-I want it out.
I want it out of me. I want it
out of me right fucking now.
Hey. Well, it doesn't work
like that.
Okay, you can talk to your GP,
but there's paperwork,
tests, a meeting.
- Oh no, you don't!
- What are you doing?!
No!
Oh.
Fuck off!
- What on earth was that?
- Baby girl.
Oh, shit.
That was not okay.
Okay. Thank you.
Um, can you tell me
where the toilet is, please?
Please.
Is it a poo?
Stop looking at me.
I don't know what it is.
-Well, where's it coming out of?
-Turn around.
It's not a poo.
Well, isn't that
what you wanted?
Uh-huh.
Congratulations, I guess.
I don't think you went about it
the right way, though.
I'm not going to flush, okay?
Maybe we can be sure.
-I mean, that could be it.
-How would we know?
I don't know.
The heavy bits might have
gone down already, I guess.
Don't you think we ought to have
some kind of funeral
or something?
No.
Are you hungry?
Yeah.
I think I might
make us something.
Yeah, okay.
I haven't had anything
to eat all day.
Yeah, same.
You know, when I was pregnant
with you, I used to eat soap.
-What?
-Bars of soap.
I had a craving for them.
I used to nibble on them.
Some of them tasted
better than others.
Oh, Mum, that's so feral.
Hmm.
Oh, baby.
I'm sorry I made being a mum
seem so awful.
You don't want to try it.
It's okay.
I think you did me a favour.
I'm born again.
Hi, I'm Boo.
Sorry, excuse me.
Um, is Mary home?
- Who is it?
- Your baby daddy.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Mum.
Sorry, she's not feeling
very well.
Oh, it's... it's okay.
I can come back another time.
What does he want?
Just to say that I'm...
I'm very sorry
about all of this.
All what?
Uh, just...
well, just, like,
the whole pregnancy thing.
- Oh, it's not all your fault.
- Mum...
I'm sorry,
can you give us some space?
- Space?
- Please.
Never mind, I'm already
giving you 100% of the space
-you currently occupy.
-Okay, sorry,
I need a little bit more.
-I can come back another time.
-Like fuck you will.
- Mum.
- What?
-You want me to leave?
-Yes.
I'm not saying that.
Oh, look.
You guys have got
a lot to talk about, I get it.
Talk it out.
Talk is good.
Are you going to come in?
Uh, yes.
Um, is your mum okay?
Not really, no. We've both had
a really hard day, actually.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
- Shut the door.
- Oh, sorry.
Your mum made you
come over and do this?
What?
Yes.
Hmm.
She think I'm going to go
to the police or something?
Yes.
Well, I aborted your spawn.
Oh, thank the fuck Christ.
Well, thank me, bitch.
I'm the one
with the swollen vagina.
Sorry, thank you.
Thank you. Um, uh,
-how... how are you feeling?
-I feel shitty.
Hungry.
I could order you
a pizza if you want.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
Can you actually go
in the kitchen
and see if there's ice cream?
Hmm. Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
Hey, so your penis
is kind of like
proof of other intelligent life
in the universe, right?
Um, uh...
yeah, I guess.
Maybe you should
tell someone about it.
Hmm. Oh, I'd rather not.
Thank you.
You could make a whole bunch
of money off that.
Well, actually, I'm...
uh, I'm kind of
a content creator.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
I... I have like
an OnlyFans, um, but...
I don't really show my face.
Okay.
Huh.
-Yeah.
-Hmm.
Random.
-Do you want some or something?
-No, no.
I can... I can wait. Sorry.
So, um,
do you still want pizza?
Oh no.
-Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
-What, is it the ice cream?
Whoa, no.
Maybe you're like lactose
intolerant or something?
What should I do?
What should I do?
- Fuck!
- What should I do? Fuck!
Oh, fuck. Call an ambulance.
Sorry, um, is there
anything else I can do?
What?
I have a very big fear
of doctors, and my mum said
-that if they ever, like, saw...
-This...
-...my penis.
-...isn't about you.
Sorry, sorry. Um, I think
maybe we should
get our story straight.
Excuse me?
Just... just in case
they ask to talk to you.
No, no, no, I... I can do it.
I can do it.
Yes. May I have
one ambulance, please?
Yes my friend is, um,
just vomiting a lot.
Uh, yes, uh, unit B.
Uh, is... is... is there
blood in the vomit?
No, but it's fucking blue.
Okay, but it's very severe.
Um...
Um. Oh f--
What happened?
-Uh, ambulance is on the way.
-What did they say?
Um, uh, nothing.
Well, why the fuck
did you hang up?
Oh, oh, just, look, um...
They asked for my name,
and I don't want
to get too involved, so...
Oh, I'd say you're pretty
fucking involved.
Yeah, I know but, can you
please not say that to them?
What the fuck
am I supposed to say?
Some kind of immaculate shit?
I... I don't know,
just say it was the ice cream.
It's not the ice cream!
Okay, okay, yes.
But when you get there,
can you please not tell them
-like, who I am? Who--
-When I get there?
Oh, sorry. Okay,
when the ambulance gets here...
-Oh, where are you going to be?
-What? Why?
Because you're going to
come with me.
What, am I? No, no, no,
what about... what about you?
Yeah, they have to see
your penis.
No, no, no, my, my mum
-would shit in her pants at me!
-I'm going to shit in my pants
at you right fucking now.
Can you just, like,
not manage it?
I've been managing it,
but I'm sick of being
at the back of the fucking line,
like a mental fucking
crazy lady. It's embarrassing.
I have to ask my mum.
I'm sorry, what?
-I have to ask my mum.
-Oh!
Did you ask your mum before
you fucking came on me?
Yeah, they came back
for me a second time
after my first trimester,
and Boo a couple of times.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Look, honestly,
it's fine, Cynthia.
Oh, I know, I just mean
'cause you never asked
for any of this, eh?
Oh, well, that's not
entirely true. I just, um...
didn't, uh, figure
I'd wind up getting pregnant.
It's probably a little...
naive on my part.
What are they like?
I don't really talk about it.
People can be a, uh,
a little cruel.
- Yeah, well, people, eh?
- Wait.
I don't hear anything.
Shh, shh.
- What?
- What's that?
Hmm?
It could be for someone else.
So they were
alone together?
Well,
she asked me to leave.
What, your own house?
Well, they needed
some privacy. They aren't kids.
-Oh no.
-Is this all from your vagina?
No, Mum, it's vomit.
It's getting all in your hair.
Boo, there's an ambulance
coming. We should go.
Don't worry
about the mess, sweetie.
-Boo!
-Um, I think
maybe I have to do this.
Oh, we've got a mop.
Okay, what you have to do
is you just have to listen
to your mother.
-I'm not a child. Okay?
-Yes, you are. You're my child.
I haven't spent my whole life
protecting you just to watch
you follow some skank
into the lion's den.
-Sorry, Cynthia.
-Oh, it's fine.
If she's a skank,
then what are you?
- Hello, am I in the right place?
- I'm afraid so.
Did someone call an ambulance?
Yes, I did.
- Someone's been vomiting?
- Yeah, I'm down here.
Well, hello,
what's your name?
- Mary.
- Hello, Mary.
Do you think
you can make it out to the van?
- Yeah.
- It's all a bit
- intense in here, eh?
- We... we're just leaving.
- Mum, Mum, get off, Mum.
- Come on.
Mum, stop.
It's okay, I can walk.
-Boo, she can walk.
-I'm going with her.
Yeah, one support person
max with us, sorry.
Which should
be the mother, right?
- It has to be Boo.
- Does it?
Why?
Um...
'cause I have to
show them my penis.
You walk out that door
and you're on your own.
Sorry.
Hey, thank you.
Oi, what the fuck?
It's for the notes.
Boo, can you...
Sorry.
Right.
I... I'm not sick.
Oh, bless.
He's got
the right attitude.
Sorry.
I can't do this
with you, okay.
I can't...
I can't even look after myself.
It wouldn't be good, okay?
So...
I don't even. I don't...
I don't even know what you are.
I'm sorry.
Kia ora , Mary. Hi.
My name's
Detective Sergeant Maunga.
I've been called in
to see whether or not
we need to take you
into custody, all right?
- Yep. Cool, hi.
- Okay.
How are you doing?
-Uh, a bit shit, yeah.
-Yeah? Okay.
So, do you mind telling me
what happened?
So there was a guy
and he ejaculated on my pants
and he had an alien penis.
Um...
Weird stuff started happening
because I guess,
like, I'm pregnant now.
-Congratulations.
-No, no, no.
I tried to get rid of it.
I don't think it worked
because I was vomiting before.
And so then me and the guy,
we came here.
So what's the plan, Rob?
Eh, for what?
Um, for my abortion.
A--
Well, I'm not sure.
So...
Where are we going?
Well, you're headed
for the birth care unit,
I know that much.
No, I don't need birth care.
It's just what we call the place
for all the baby-related things.
Okay, well, it's not a baby.
Look, I think, um,
maybe you should discuss it
with your obstetrician
when they've examined you.
-Oh. Here we are.
-No, wait.
Wait. What... what about them?
No. We're going to
a different level.
Oh, but we're together.
-Are you?
-That's okay.
He's not sick, okay?
He's my emotional
support person.
Yeah, I'm just going to go.
If that's all right.
Mary, I'm going to need you
to not touch the other patient
-for both your safety.
-He's not a patient.
Aren't you my doctor?
You need to be
treated separately.
Wait, what? Get off of me!
- What the fuck? Stop!
- No, no, no.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- No!
-Stop!
-Mary! Mary, help me!
- Mary! Mary!
- Stop!
Don't let them take me!
I'm father of the baby!
Mary, please!
Hmm.
How is he?
Well, he's sedated while they
try and reattach his finger,
which you pulled off,
accidentally.
Mm-hmm.
I was just trying
to hold his hand.
-Right.
-And the doctors were also
pulling on him,
so I hope that you...
you should go
and talk to them as well, maybe.
The finger guy,
is this the same guy who...
ejaculated on you?
-Yep.
-Yeah.
With an "alien penis"?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
And the ejaculation event,
uh, did this raise
any issues of consent?
-Uh, yep.
-Right.
Would you like to file
a complaint?
No.
No?
-No.
-Okay.
Do you wish him
any further harm?
Not at this time, no.
-No?
-Mm-hmm.
Okay, I'll put down "no".
Okay, um...
Hmm.
Listen, Mary...
he may still press charges
when he wakes up,
but for now,
I think you're good to go.
What? No.
Yeah, well, I mean,
there's nothing else.
Is there--
Was there something else?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, the...
...the alien stuff.
Oh, well, it's not illegal
to have a weird penis.
Right, but...
is there, like, a department
or something that can, like,
work with alien pregnancies,
or is there maybe someone that,
-like, you could call?
-You mean like a--
You mean like a man in black?
Yeah, nah, nah,
we don't have one of those.
I mean, if we did,
no one's told me about it,
so, hmm, classic.
If there's anything else,
I'll let you know, okay?
- Yeah.
- Awesome. Hey, good luck.
-Thank you.
-You're gonna be a mum. Whoa!
Yeesh.
Hello, I'm looking for someone
with an alien penis.
- Are they a patient?
- Yeah.
Are you a relative?
Sort of. Sort of a relative.
Patient's last name?
Um, I don't...
I don't know his last name.
Then you're not a relative,
are you?
Well, his baby is inside of me,
so I think that that makes us--
-Married?
-What? No, no.
His first name is Boo.
He came here today
with me in an ambulance,
and he has an alien penis.
How many people like that
would you even get in a day?
No need to raise your voice.
Boo is in surgery,
not seeing visitors.
Maybe try again tomorrow.
- How many times...
- Mary?
Mary! You look terrible.
Is that your blood?
- No.
- Where's Boo?
I'm sorry, are you a relative?
I'm his mother.
Uh, sorry, ladies,
I will need you
to wait in the family room.
-That's my son.
-I'll go next.
What do you think
you're doing to him?
We've reattached the finger.
Team have done a fabulous job,
above and beyond, actually.
- Now we're just running tests.
- Stop staring at him
and put his pants
back on, please.
Whoa, we haven't finished
treating him,
-and you shouldn't be in here.
-He is not sick.
We don't know what he is.
He is my special boy,
so I need you to wake him up,
get him dressed,
because we are going home.
You're the sick one.
-Shame on you, doctor.
-I want to be next.
- Now, I need all of these...
- ...do tests on me, okay?
I want an abortion.
Okay, Mary, let's do that,
shall we?
Shall we start that process?
Now, do you reckon
this pregnancy is having a...
negative impact
on your emotional
-and your physical well-being?
-Yes.
Okay, cool, cool.
We will need to do
a full psychiatric assessment
just to make sure that you're
in the right frame of mind
to be making this
very important decision.
-Fuck that.
-That's pretty standard.
Hmm. And then,
of course, there will be scans
and blood tests,
probably a pelvic examination.
If we're going to do that,
we'll just,
-No.
-...refer you to the nearest
-clinic for the actual--
-No, it needs to be now.
It's growing, okay?
So it has to be now. Now!
Yeah, it's hard.
I wish you'd stop pitying me
and actually fucking help me.
- They're doing their best.
- Hey, look,
if the baby's showing
signs of distress,
I'm totally okay with just
looking into the possibility
-of an emergency caesar.
-I am showing distress signs
right now and it's not a baby,
okay? It's a fucking alien!
Hey, you might want to just
watch your language
if you want to be
taken seriously.
He's a health professional.
Could someone please get me
a wheelchair for my son?
Thank you.
Here we go. Thank you.
Why must you make this
all so humiliating?
Okay. We're gunna go.
Come on.
What happened to your hair?
Yeah, it burnt. Come on.
-Let's go. Up we go.
-Oh, come on.
- You're okay.
- Oh, am I in trouble?
No, no, no, we're just leaving.
Up you get, baby girl.
Come on.
Oh, uh, sorry, you haven't been
officially discharged.
We should stop
for some supplements.
- Hmm.
- You need folic acid at least.
- And iron.
- Hmm.
-Magnesium.
-Vitamin D.
And fish oil.
-Activated charcoal...
-Yes ginger. Ginger.
-Milk thistle.
-Yes, that's very good.
-We should all be taking that.
-Don't forget to engage #
- Where are you going?
- Don't follow me.
Oh!
Oh, we should go
after her?
Hmm, I think she just
needs some space.
But it's not safe.
Hmm, nowhere is safe.
Get off!
Wassup!
Hey, look out!
Fuck! Oh my God,
oh my God, oh my God!
Get the fuck out
of the car, I'm gonna puke!
Do you think she's dead?
Huh, come on.
We should take her
to the hospital.
No, I... I think she needs
some sugar, you know?
Hey look, I'm just glad
you're not dead, just saying.
Are you pregnant?
Yeah, I'm trying not to be.
Hmm.
One time my cousin Trish
put a condom
on her mum's vacuum cleaner
and stuck it up there.
Wow, Trish.
What, did she have like
a massive vag or something?
No, she used the crevice tool.
-Oh, does it actually work?
-Yeah, I think so.
Hmm, does anyone have a condom?
Oh yeah.
Thanks.
Oh.
Oh, look, it doesn't seem safe.
This is a ridiculous idea.
Are you drunk?
You don't have to agree
with me, Mum,
you just have to hold it
off the ground for a second.
I think we need
to put down a tarp.
-Do you have one?
-Uh.
Why are you doing this here?
Well, there's more space,
and also...
I did jizz on her.
Oh look, I'd feel better
if we had a talk
about this at our place.
- Hmm.
- Yep, okay, let's do that.
Great.
Come on.
I really don't want
my vacuum cleaner involved.
I really don't want her
to get an infection or worse.
Um,
sorry, I'm not outside yet.
Baby girl!
Don't you think it could be
the hormones talking?
Well then
I agree with them.
Oh.
Um.
Hey, do you think
that when this is done
that we can maybe
still hang out?
Shit is a little bit full on
for me at the moment, okay?
-Sorry, sorry.
-No, it's all good.
We can do anything
if I survive this, okay?
-Okay.
-And if you survive.
Wait, why,
why wouldn't I survive?
-Hand me that fucker.
-Oh, yep.
Turn around for this bit.
Oh, okay, yep.
I can't reach
pass my fucking belly.
Okay, try... try it
-from behind maybe.
-Don't tell her that.
Well, she wants to get it out,
Cynthia.
Baby girl, I've got
a bad feeling about this.
I think...
I think it's all the way in.
Oh, no, no, no,
that'll be your cervix.
You need to get behind that.
- Stop helping her.
- How?
You need to relax
and open the front door.
Drinking water can be good.
Sex is
supposed to be helpful too.
Oh, yes, yes. I... I used to
find it helpful to picture
a rosebud opening in the sun.
Mary?
Are you okay?
Son, if you want
to see her again,
you open
that front door right now.
Sorry.
- Boo, switch it on at the wall.
- Okay.
I don't-- Just...
just close the door.
- This is crazy.
- Stay out of it, Mum.
This isn't safe.
Nothing is safe
for me right now.
So?
-Don't.
-Let's do nothing.
- Oh, hey. Everybody okay?
- Mum.
Baby girl where are you?
- Mum?
- I'm just...
- Mum?
- Just hold on.
Oh, my phone
is not turning on.
Oh my God.
Where is she?
Are you okay, baby girl?
Did you get it out?
Be careful.
Maybe your waters broke.
What does that mean?
Boo.
I'm not...
I'm not doing anything!
Oh, shit.
I think I am.
Oh, oh, it feels...
Jesus
Cut it out of me! Cut it out,
-just cut it out, cut it out!
-It's okay. It's coming down!
It's not okay!
I'm sorry,
I mean it will be okay.
What are you talking about?
Well, we all just need to
stay calm and call an ambulance!
I...
I think I'm okay, maybe.
Yeah, that was
a contraction, baby.
I think it's gonna happen again.
Fuck that, eh?
Go and ask the neighbours
to borrow their phone, please.
-Why me?
-Because you jizzed on her.
I... I don't really know
them that well,
and it is quite dark outside.
Oh look. Ann, maybe...
maybe you just go yourself,
you know, just for time.
I, yet again,
am cleaning up your mess.
Sorry, Mary.
Um...
-Sorry, sorry about my mum.
-Well, don't apologise to us.
Sorry.
You can apologise to me.
Okay, sorry.
-Get me water.
-Please.
Water, sure. Yeah. Uh...
This isn't how I imagined
us having this moment, baby.
Please
don't say something
like you're glad anyway.
Okay, I won't.
I was gonna say that,
so I'm glad you said something.
More.
- Uh, sure.
- Please.
Oh, my mouth.
Feels like, dry shit.
Oh well,
water is good,
- 'cause it's important.
- Okay, great. Thank you.
Sorry.
Oh.
Uh, more?
- Please.
- Yeah. Okay.
See, that wasn't so hard,
was it?
-Was it too much water?
-Oh, where the fuck is your mum?
I don't know.
She... she only just left!
This is a contraction.
It's normal.
I was having contractions
for a week before you were born.
In the car, at the shops,
out fishing.
Fuck that!
Oh, I need a sharp knife!
-No you don't.
-Sorry, um,
we don't have any sharp knives.
- Oh, fucking find one!
- Okay.
Mary, seriously
we need to sanitise
the tarp and everything!
We don't seem to have-- Ow!
What was that?
-Uh, no.
-Sanitise it.
- Mary, stop this.
- Okay, yep.
We need to wait
for the professionals.
They can stitch me up
when they get here.
Well, why not let them
do the cutting, too?
Mum...
I'm gonna do this.
And I need your help
to stop the bleeding.
- I don't like it!
- Give me that!
I can't breathe!
Give it to me!
Jesus Christ...
I'm gonna need a first aid kit
if you're
gunna start doing that--
Mary, no! Oh, Boo, help me!
No! Mary, no! No!
Are you okay?
-Uh, me?
-No.
I'm still pregnant, so no.
Let's not try that again.
It needs to come out.
It needs to come out.
Oh, I just have this huge urge.
What... what is that?
-It might be the mucus plug.
-What the...
No that thing, um,
looks like an egg.
Um, baby girl, maybe just
hold back on your urges
for now until we get you
to the hospital.
I have to fart
or shit or something.
-Oh! Well, uh...
-Fuck!
...probably do that here
before we get my car.
Sorry, um, can we please
not do poos in the lounge?
No time!
- How are... how are you doing
it? -
Everyone okay?
Mary's just farting
and then we get you in my car.
-Oh, ambulance is on the way.
-Oh God, what took you so long?
Oh, some of the neighbours
are having trouble
-with their phones too.
-Oh God, which ones?
Mum!
Boo! Help!
Help!
Itis sucking me in!
Well, stop farting!
You're making it bigger!
-No, no, no!
-No, no, no!
No!
Don't get stuck in there!
-Ow, my finger! My finger!
-Mum! Mum!
Stop! Mum!
Oh no, Mum, I'm stuck!
Baby girl.
-Stop farting!
-I'm trying!
-It's sucking me in!
-Oh baby girl!
- Help!
- Baby girl!
Eww.
- Oh my God!
- What is it?
-What happened?
-Something touched me.
-Was it Mary?
-Um, maybe.
-It touched my knee.
-Oh, is she okay in there?
-I don't know. I--
-Shh, shh!
-It is Mary.
-What's she saying?
Maybe it's general screaming.
No, she's definitely
saying something, Boo.
We can't--
Sorry!
-Sorry, Sorry.
-What is it? What is it?
Sorry, no, she's tapping
on my knee again.
Um, I think. I think
she's trying to communicate.
Well, what's
she trying to say now?
I don't know. Maybe she's
asking, like, if I'm okay.
Well, maybe you should ask her
if she's okay, honey.
Yeah. Ask her
if anything's happening yet.
Yeah. But how do I do that?
-Well, with your body language?
-And be supportive.
Um...
Okay.
No. No. No, Mum.
Mum, please don't!
No, no, no, no.
Good evening. I'm Sofia,
this is my partner Sophie,
-I just call her Soph.
-Hey.
-Can we come in?
-Uh, yes.
But you should know
the place is a bit of a mess.
Oh, seen worse.
Oh, really?
Yeah, nah. Um,
what exactly is going on here?
My daughter's having
a very difficult pregnancy.
And, um, she's inside
this nest thing.
It just kind of
grew by itself, it's...
Does she have a midwife
or are you the...?
Me? Me? No.
No, no, this is just my flat.
And no, we don't have a midwife.
Um, everything's been happening
a bit too fast
to book anything in.
And how about you, son?
Are you breathing okay?
Um, yes, I'm going good,
thank you.
Okay, good.
And your partner's inside there.
Is she okay?
Any... any movement?
Um, well, technically,
she's not my partner.
Uh, yes. Uh, yes.
Yes. Something...
something is happening. Um, I,
I think we're communicating.
-Um...
-What exactly?
What is she saying, honey?
Nothing at all.
Okay well, normally I'd suggest
we get the fire department
in to deal with
this sort of a mess.
But I think we should
just pull them out.
Wait, wait, wait!
Hold on, wait, wait, wait!
Um, I think I'm okay here now.
This isn't about you.
My baby girl's in there.
-She's okay as well. I think.
-And how can you tell?
The lady asked you
a question, honey.
Spit it out.
She took off my pants.
Ugh.
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
Nobody look at me!
Oh yeah.
Could be keen eh?
Ow!
How's it going
in there, Boo?
Um, fine.
You need anything?
Some water?
Some electrolytes?
Um, maybe, like, uh,
stop talking to me, thank you.
I had a terrible time
giving birth to baby girl.
Took ages.
In the end, they had to put
the forceps right up there
- and pull her out.
- Jesus.
- Hmm.
- Did you try, you know...
-getting jiggy with it?
-No, I didn't, actually.
Try what?
Right, fun's over,
let's pull him out, Soph?
-Yeah.
-It's gonna be okay, baby boy.
One, two, three!
Baby, you did it!
You're a mum!
Uh, what?
Oh, hang on a minute.
They want to talk to you.
Hold that. Hold that.
G'day, Mary.
Congrats. Can I come in?
Um.
Soph, better come in
and take a look at the baby.
Yeah.
Bag, please.
How you doing?
Having a bit of a time?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, mate.
I'm just gonna
check your pulse first.
Okay, did you want me to put
a cable tie on this umbilical?
Will it help?
Some mothers choose to wait
till it stops pulsating.
Why?
It just gives the baby
time to get more nutrients
-from your blood.
-No, no, it's had enough.
Is there more?
Oh fuck, am I having twins?
No, it might
just be the placenta, okay?
- Uh-huh.
- Baby girl's a mum.
Shut up!
Is it bad?
No, look, it's nothing
some stitches won't fix.
-How's little one, Soph?
-Yeah, seems okay.
Um, I just don't know
what's normal around here,
um, and it has a tail.
- Is it breathing?
- Yes.
Okay, well,
wrap it in your towel.
Look, I think the two of you
better go for a ride, eh?
Oh, can we do it here?
The stitches maybe,
but it won't be as pretty
as... as the doctor's,
and I'm not quite sure
what we can do
if... if the baby needs help.
Okay, well, that's not
my fucking problem.
Mary, you sound like a bad...
Bad what?
Person.
I know that you think
that this is cute.
Huh?
It's a miracle of life.
Yes, I--
But I don't want to be a mother.
Okay?
I did not agree to this.
And I still don't.
Okay... okay how about
some temporary stitches now,
and then taking baby
to the hospital
-can be Papa's problem.
-Thank you.
I love you.
I love you too, Mum.
Now, did you want to put
this up your bum, or shall I?
Oh go on then.
Can somebody please
pull up my son's pants?
Bags not.
Did you see it?
What? The baby?
No, my... my pee-pee,
she... she crushed it,
-and I... I can't feel anymore.
-Okay, you're a father now,
Boo, okay? You've got to stop
thinking about your pee-pee.
It's not all about you anymore,
all right? Arm up.
Congrats.
Um.
Not sure if it's a girl
or a boy, though.
Some mysteries there.
Want to have a cuddle?
Um, I'm okay. You're doing
great, too. Thank you.
I think it likes you.
I don't... I don't want
to get too attached to it,
maybe just like give it to Mary.
Uh, she said
you'll take care of it.
-In what way?
-In all the ways. Here.
Support the head.
For God's sake.
-Which way is the head?
-The opposite end from the tail.
The what?
Oh.
What... what are you looking at?
Baby has a tail.
Ew, that's not
my fucking fault, is it?
Hmm?
Mum!
Mummy!
Mum. Mum.
Okay, you're going to need
to clean this whole thing up,
-okay? It's started to turn.
-Look, look!
Mum! Mum, I have a breast.
It's sucking my blood
like a vampire.
And you did the same thing
but I didn't start
screaming about it! Did I?
What... what did you do?
Just put you
on the other breast.
No, no, no, no.
No, I am... I am not doing that.
Okay, well then go
and buy some formula.
Can you go get me some, please?
- No!
- Please.
Are you even keeping her?
Well, then why would I bother
buying you formula?
To make it stop screaming.
It's just...
Oh, just put it on the breast.
- No, but it hurts.
- Yeah, I know.
I breastfed you for four years.
Just wait till
she has teeth, honey.
Well, at least I was like,
uh, human.
You were close enough.
So is she.
Look, it's not so bad
if you get a good latch.
She'll probably just
go straight to sleep.
There we go.
That's it. That's it.
And here we go.
Ah, it is sensitive.
There we go. Come on.
Yep. There we go.
There we go. That's it.
That looks pretty good.
Always feels a bit funny
at the start.
-God, this place smells.
-What?
Could be that
placenta going off.
-Oh, get rid of it.
-No! You get rid of it, Boo.
- Oh, shit. Oh, what do we do?
- Throw it in the bin.
-What if it's start to scream?
-No, not the baby.
The blanket.
- Shit.
- Oh, just clean it up.
Well, I've got a lot going on.
Can you do it?
No, I am setting a boundary.
You've got to start cleaning up
your own mess,
-Boo.
-What about Mary?
Oh, the woman you ejaculated on.
What about her?
Where is she?
Oh, shit.
Oh, fucking ow.
Are you okay in there?
-Do you need any help?
-No, I'm fine.
Okay.
Well, let me know
if another pair of hands
would be useful.
I'm speaking
from experience here,
because you ripped me
from my pink to my stink.
Oh, loving that mental image.
Thank you so much, Mum.
It took me
more than a year to get over it.
I had to take painkillers
just to do number two.
The blood has dried, and it's
glued the nappy to my gooch.
Oh.
Is it all right
if I take a look?
Yeah, since when
do we have boundaries?
You've had so many people
all up in your business.
I thought you might
need some space.
No, it's all good,
but I do appreciate you asking.
-Thank you.
-Okay.
Let's see if we can get
this thing wet, shall we?
Oh, oh my God,
it's already happening.
-It's okay.
-I'm sorry.
-It's stinging, it's stinging.
-It's okay.
-Ow!
-It's okay.
It's only natural.
Embrace the flow.
groans
Okay.
I really appreciate you, Mum.
I appreciate you too, Mary.
Oh!
Oh! Fucking hell!
There we go. There we go.
Oh, yeah.
Actually kind of cute, huh?
Okay.
Okay. Well, uh, this is it.
Uh, you know, maybe we'll
see each other again, you know?
Because I'll, you know,
come find you,
and you'll be famous.
-Oh shit, sorry, wrong house.
-Hey, get back here.
Were you about
to leave this baby here?
No, no. Wait...
do you, uh, wait,
do you want me to?
No, I don't want you to.
That's kind of fucked up.
Honey!
This guy's trying
to leave us his baby.
We don't need
any more babies.
Yeah, I told him.
Let me see.
It's quite cute.
Why does he look like that?
Kind of have like
an alien penis, and...
looks a bit like that.
And so, yeah, that's the truth.
No shame, mate. No shame.
But hey...
it gets easier.
- Really?
- Definitely.
- Boo!
- Oh! Oh.
-Haha.
-Hey, hi.
-Hi.
-Hi, Mary.
Uh, uh, nice to...
nice to see you.
-My mum said you have titties.
-No, um...
yeah. Uh, well, it's just
like... it's just one tit.
But my mum said I should
let the baby latch
onto the other one,
just so like, um, even them out.
Smart. Nice.
Uh, how... how... how are you?
I'm all good. Just like,
full force pissing my pants
every time I sneeze.
- That's hot.
- Ew.
Sorry, sorry.
Um, uh, can I help in any way?
Thanks.
But, you know, I've got my mum.
Mums, eh?
Uh, frickin' eh.
Want to come over to my house,
watch some shit on TV sometime?
Yes. Sorry, yeah. Yes, please.
-Thank you, yeah.
-Okay. Cool.
-I better go do some dad stuff.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Hey, Boo,
does the baby have a name?
Um, no.
Oh. You should give it a name.
Yeah.
Hey, um, you...
you know that you're welcome
to have a cuddle
anytime you want.
You know, if you want.
Yeah...
Nah.
Oh shit.
What are you doing
hiding back here?
I'm not hiding, I'm just...
just resting.
Rest is something you do
when you're tired from working.
What you're doing out here
is called rotting.
Mum, I just need some space,
-some time.
-Time for what?
To continue to decompose.
-Is that my ice cream?
-Maybe.
Well when you've finished
contaminating it with chips,
you can pop to the dairy
and replace that for me.
Okay, good chat. Thank you, Mum.
Well, if you're feeling tired
during the daytime,
why don't you just give up
the screens in bed?
Worked for me.
Yeah, good idea. I'll do that.
Mary?
- Oh!
- What the fuck, Mum?
Sorry, I didn't want to knock,
I thought you'd be sleeping.
Oh my God,
that does not make it okay.
What, to check on my
own daughter? I think it does.
I've been checking on you
your whole life.
Okay, well you can stop now,
thank you.
Oh, look at all this
dirty clothes.
Can you not?
Oh...
oh...
what a pigsty.
Sweetheart?
I'm having a hard time sleeping
and I'm just worried
that the neighbours
will be too so...
maybe you can think
about that and...
maybe stop doing whatever it is
that you're doing.
Okay?
Okay.
Good morning, Boo.
Now, I noticed that you didn't
take out the rubbish last night.
And, and it is
the chore you chose.
So...
I just, I just hope you're
not expecting me to do it.
Kids are dicks.
Sorry?
They're dicks.
Oh, are they?
I'm sorry, I was
talking about my kid.
Well, she's not a kid anymore,
she's almost 30.
Have you just moved in?
Oh a couple of months ago.
Oh, sorry, we haven't
met already. I'm Cynthia.
Oh, it's okay, we're just
very private people.
Oh, you and your partner?
No, um...
- ...me and my son.
- Oh, I knew it.
It's funny,
I haven't seen him around.
How old is he?
Oh, he's an adult
but he doesn't
come out of his room much
Oh, you know what?
Neither does my daughter.
I'm glad she's not
the only one, though.
I was starting to believe
it was something to do with me.
Uh, would you like a cup of tea?
No.
-Is that your daughter?
-Yes. She hates that photo.
Look, I hope it's okay for me
to ask you this.
I don't know if you've been
on any of the dating apps.
Oh, I'm really not interested
in anything like that.
Oh, you're not missing much.
You know, I just thought,
you know,
I'd put something out there
just because the kids
are both the same age
and they're both single.
Oh, no, I really don't think
that's a good idea.
Wow.
Okay.
You know, she's lost weight
since that photo was taken.
-Oh, no, no, no.
-You know, plus...
a new relationship
might inspire them
to get their lives together
a bit, you know?
Well, look, the thing is,
my son...
my son has a deformity.
You can't tell
just by looking at him but,
it affects
his confidence socially, so...
Oh, getting out there might be--
No, I'm...
I'm really not comfortable
-with that idea, Cynthia.
-Oh.
Well, I see, no... no stress.
Thank you.
What kind of deformity
does he have, if I may ask?
It's just the kind
we don't talk about.
Baby, I know
you're having a hard time and...
you know I love having you here,
but I actually just need
to use the bathroom, sorry.
I don't actually know
why I'm apologising to you,
for needing to pee
in my own house.
I want to move out.
Oh baby girl that would be
great for you...
or even just go out
once in a while.
Did you get that link I sent you
about overcoming depression?
I don't think I'm depressed.
Well, you don't seem very happy.
Yeah, I'm happy when I'm alone.
Oh, if you're going to move out,
you can start doing
your own laundry.
Yeah, maybe I'll get to see
a little bit less of this.
You know,
you did most of this to my body.
And it was the most empowering
and rewarding thing
that ever happened to me.
Well, you're welcome.
Speaking-of, I met
our new neighbour today.
She's got a son your age.
-Subtle, Mum.
-Apparently he's got
a deformed penis
or something, but...
I thought you'd be into it
based on your search history.
Ugh...
I love having
no boundaries with you.
Oh, me too.
Where are you going?
I'm going to go
do my own laundry.
It's the middle of the night!
Oh, come on!
Sorry.
Who the fuck are you?
Sorry, just, um,
my, my load is in there.
If I could just, um...
Oh.
No, well, I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- Yep.
Sorry, I, I didn't know
that you, um...
Humping the dryer?
-Yep.
-Hmm.
Hey do you live with your mum?
Um, yes.
You have
some kind of weird dick?
No.
No, no, no. Um, no,
that's not true. I don't know.
Oh, well, my mum said
your mum said
you've got,
like, a deformed penis.
My... my mum
wouldn't say that, so...
Oversharing mum, eh?
-I mean, not normally.
-Sucks, eh?
-Fricken' eh!
-Right?
-I mean, sometimes.
-Hmm.
It's just, like...
-No, look, I get it.
-Yeah, thanks.
-So, can I see it?
-What?
No, sorry, no.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Good boundaries.
Um... um, maybe see you around?
No, I'm going to move out,
so probably not.
Oh, cool, cool.
Goodbye.
Okay, bye.
Sorry, excuse me. Uh, sorry.
Um, do you-- Do you think maybe
that you can not tell anyone
what your mum said
about what my mum said about,
well, my penis? If that's okay.
-Sure.
-It was very r-ice to meet...
Sorry, really nice to meet you.
Not rice. Um.
-Um...
-Yeah, uh-huh.
Sorry if I made it
awkward before.
No, it's all good.
I'm sorry for asking
about your weird dick.
It's not weird.
It's some kind of special.
- Here we go.
- No, no, really. Um...
It has, like, tentacles.
-Fuck off.
-Like, uh, little ones.
How little?
Like, I... I can
show you if you want.
I don't know.
You're the one
with the boundaries.
Oh, I... Pfft.
I mean,
I don't get the... I don't mind.
I fucking knew it.
Well, come on, then.
Let me see it.
Okay, but, like, you can't tell
my mum or your mum because,
um, we'll have to move again.
Okay. Okay, thank you
for telling me that.
-Can you shut the door?
-Yeah, yeah. Yes.
Hey, and maybe
you already know this but...
just because I'm, like,
agreeing to look at your...
whatever, I don't want to be
your girlfriend, okay?
-No, I... I know, I know.
-And I'm not going to touch it.
Okay.
Cool.
Whoa!
Why does it look like that?
I, I guess, um...
my mum actually
got abducted by aliens
and that's how she got
pregnant with me or whatever.
I... I don't know.
-You don't know?
-Um...
No, she doesn't really...
like, talk about it.
-Yeah?
-I think
she's, like, pretty embarrassed
because, like,
I'm a child of sin or whatever.
Um, but, actually, one time
when I was really sad,
she said that maybe
I'm, like, the next step
of human evolution or something.
Um, you know, which, uh,
is kind of dumb.
Kind of looks like a pussy.
No, it's just cold in here.
So do you...
you know.
I, I, I kind of like,
do like a...
And the tentacles?
They sort of
do whatever, they're...
they're kind of involuntary.
Are they slimy?
Only if I get too sweaty.
Right.
Hey, do you mind if I...
like, jill off a little bit?
Please, go hard.
-Okay.
-Um...
Yeah.
Can you, like,
shut your eyes, please?
Yeah. Sorry. Um, uh, wait.
You mean like this?
Can you please move it around
a little bit?
Wait, so have you started?
Shut your eyes.
Sorry, okay. Sorry.
Um, sorry, actually, do you mind
if I jill off as well, please?
Yes.
Can you just
please stop talking?
-Okay.
-Okay. Thank you, sorry.
Oh, you like that baby girl?
-Oh, shut the fuck up!
-Sorry, sorry.
Fuck your shutting eyes!
Sorry. Yes. Sorry.
What the fuck was that?
-Uh, what?
-You splooged on me.
No, I... no, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Right on my-- Oh my God.
Shit, what you? You...
you weren't wearing undies?
Yeah well, you didn't say,
It shoots acid.
You could have pointed it
at the fucking wall.
Please, please,
please do not tell my mum.
I'm gonna tell whoever I want.
You can't just go around
jizzing on people.
That shit makes babies.
But you,
you told me to touch it.
Well, you could've pointed it
at your fucking face next time.
Uh, next time?
Stop looking at my vagina.
-Yeah, sorry.
-Shit.
Mary?
Why have you got no pants on?
They got jizz on them.
Girl jizz?
No, Mum, alien jizz.
Why do you have to be
so sarcastic with me?
I'm not being sarcastic.
It burned a hole in my pants.
Now you're looking
for some of my pants.
No, Mum, I need to borrow
your car, please.
What?
No.
- When?
- Now.
What time is it?
It doesn't matter,
but it has to be now.
- Oh.
- Where are your keys?
It matters to me?
Because it's my car.
Come and get into bed with Mum
and tell me what's up.
Oh! No, Mum.
You know, just so you know...
it's pretty much impossible
to get pregnant
without having
proper P and V sex.
Okay, cool.
Let's just still take
some precautions, all right?
'Cause of course
you could be ovulating,
which would increase
your chances eh?
You know, for some people...
myself included, having a baby
is a real wake-up call.
Well, it gives you purpose,
a chance to get
your life together.
Mum...
it wasn't a normal human penis.
Oh, the penis
has got nothing to do with it.
It's all about you.
And your own journey as a woman.
Well, it had tentacles.
-What?
-Yeah.
It was that boy.
You met his mum.
The deformed one?
Can you not say that?
Differently-formed.
It's more appropriate.
I can see why you want
to take precautions, but...
look, if not now when?
You won't be young forever,
you know.
And having a baby is so much
easier when you're younger.
But maybe you're a natural.
Yeah, maybe I don't need
to become a mother
to give my life meaning.
I'll sit here, shall I?
Oh, shit.
What?
-You don't have any money.
-No, do you?
I'm not going in there
in my pyjamas.
That's totally fine,
you don't have to come in.
Can I just borrow
your card please?
Uh, so, um...
you've been engaging in,
uh, unprotected intercourse?
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
Uh, how... how...
how many hours since the...
unprotected intercourse?
-One.
-And in the last two weeks...
have you engaged in any other
unprotected intercourse?
No.
Right. Well, uh,
when was your last period?
Fuck, I don't know,
I don't know.
But I, I just want to be
on the safe side.
-He had a deformed penis, so...
-Can you stop?
I'm just saying.
-It's why she's being like this.
-Shut up.
It's not
that she doesn't want kids.
Well, you'll be pleased to know
that the Postinor does not
damage the, uh, unborn baby.
If you still do become pregnant.
-Oh, that's good, isn't it?
-That's all right.
Right.
Now then, uh, if you, uh,
vomit in the next three hours...
you should come back
and get another one.
-That'll be $40, thank you.
-Okay. Thank you.
Oh, by... by the way,
how much do you weigh?
Huh?
- A lot.
- Why do you-- Shut up.
The pill only works
up to a certain body weight,
which I believe is, uh, 70 kgs.
-Are you fucking serious?
-Mary.
-Give me another one.
-Please. Please.
That'll be $80,
thank you very much.
Thank you.
Ah!
I'm so glad we did that.
Yeah?
-Thanks, Mum.
-You're welcome, baby.
You can still pay me back,
though. It wasn't cheap.
No!
Mary! Mary! Wake up!
Wake up! Mary! Wake up!
Oh. Oh.
I'm fine.
Oh, you didn't look fine.
You looked like you
were having a full-on nervous
-breakdown.
-I'm fine.
I just want you to be
non-aggressive. All right
Don't be so aggressive,
- with that attitude.
- Why are you saying that?
I've never been aggressive?
- Already made friends?
- We're not friends,
we don't need to go in
we can just be at the door.
I've already
made friends with the woman.
She's not you're friend.
Play nice,
for God's sakes.
Think you can do this?
Yes, of course,
I can do it.
It's not my fault.
All right,
stabilise your mood.
Oh. Okay.
Don't have a cup of tea, okay?
I will if I want to.
Because
you're really aggressive,
- I can see in your eyes.
- That's so rude.
Oh, hey Ann. Is this a good time
for a little convo?
Not really, no.
Oh, look, it's a bit sensitive.
Can... can we sit down?
Is there a problem?
Oh, I think
you need to hear this.
Can I offer you
a hot drink? Tea or a coffee?
-No.
-Oh, I'd actually
love a coffee, thanks.
- Oh, instant, okay?
- Oh, yes, that's fine.
- Milk and sugar?
- Just milk, thanks.
And you don't want a hot drink?
A hot chocolate?
No.
- A Milo?
- Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Oh, this place is really clean.
We've got company.
If you've come to see my son,
I should let you know
that he doesn't come out
of his room much, so...
Just get the hot drinks.
I've actually already met him.
-What?
-Mm-hmm.
When?
I met him last night.
Well, that's why
we're here, actually.
I wanted you to know
that they've had relations.
No,
don't say it like that.
Well, they fluid Bonded.
-What?
-He jizzed on my pants.
Hmm.
Right.
He's probably just still asleep.
I'll just, um...
I reckon you should let me
handle the talking.
-Maybe we should just go, Mum.
-Well, I'm okay.
But you can leave at any time,
baby girl.
Go and have an Epsom salts bath
and some raspberry leaf tea.
And stop scratching.
You look like a druggo.
There he is.
Um...
Hello Mary. Um, it's good to,
um, see you again.
Hey.
Uh, is this your mum?
Oh, yeah. Cynthia, hi.
It's good to meet you.
Um, uh,
can I interest anyone, um...
in, in a hot drink or
Oh Jesus, Mary!
- Mum!
- Oh, yeah,
I'm getting something.
- Why does it look like that?
- It looks, uh, normal.
Do you...
Do you think it was the pills?
No.
She had to have
two morning-after pills
-because of her weight.
-It's not the pills.
It's his fucking
alien penis juice.
- Oh my God.
- No, no, no.
- No. It was... it was an
accident. - What?
You tripped over
and it fell out of your pants.
No, but she... she told me
to take it out.
- Oh, did she?
- Oh, so fucking what?
Well, it means
-you kind of asked for it.
-No, I was asking to see it,
not be impregnated by it.
-One thing leads to another
-One thing does lead to another.
-Why do you keep scratching?
-Because I feel like it!
-What's that on your neck?
-Stop.
-Do you have a rash?
-No.
- You do? Look.
- Where?
Where?
- Oh.
- What?
- Oh.
- Oh.
Boo.
Fuck!
- Hello.
- Hi.
Uh, my daughter has a rash.
Um, no, I think
I might be alien-pregnant.
Oh, what kind of rash?
Oh, nasty, itchy, scabby one.
-Can you...
-And then she vomited one time.
Have you done a pregnancy test?
No, but she did take
two morning-after pills.
When was your last menorrhoea?
I don't know.
-Your period?
-Your period?
Yes. I know what it is.
-I don't know.
-A long time?
A couple of weeks.
And the sex was just last night.
We didn't have sex.
Well, he... he had
a differently-formed phallus.
Excuse me,
can you please shut the--
Oh.
Uh, yep.
Yeah, it looks like semen.
- Hmm.
- What?
Uh, fill out this.
And, um...
doctor will come
and get you, all right?
Thanks.
Come on.
Thanks, Mum.
You know, I actually
had a really shit time
being pregnant with you so,
I don't blame you
if it isn't something
you want for yourself.
Uh, that's great.
Yeah, then again might have
a really positive experience.
You might find
some joy in it, eh?
Some bliss.
I found mine, eventually.
And maybe a baby isn't
what you wanted at first, but...
maybe one day...
you'll look back at this time...
as the time you almost made the
biggest mistake of your life.
But if you are pregnant...
maybe it's a sign
from the universe.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Yeah.
- Hmm.
- Oh, look.
That's nothing to worry about.
Yeah. It's fine.
Totally fine.
-Well, what is it?
-Oh, it's a PUPPP rash.
Yeah. I wouldn't worry too much.
I could probably suggest
a cream if it's itchy.
Is it a bit itchy?
Okay, but what causes it?
Hormones.
But like I said,
it's totally normal.
Oh, that's good.
No, no, no. It's actually
not normal for me, so...
Is this your first pregnancy?
Am I pregnant?
-Aren't you?
-No, I'm not.
I, I don't want to be.
Whoops. Sorry, my mistake.
What I meant to say was
the PUPPP rash and the vomiting,
would indicate that you might
actually be pregnant.
-So, congrats.
-Oh!
Uh, alien pregnant?
No.
Well, we might book in
for a scan
at 21 weeks with Judy. Uh,
but until then, I'd just suggest
this as a normal
human pregnancy.
-Oh, that'd be great.
-No, because it wasn't
a normal human penis.
Lucky for some.
No, it had tentacles, okay?
And vag-seeking acid spunk.
Yeah, normally
I'd need a sample of that.
Okay. Probably some on these.
Yeah, I think
they might be contaminated.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Pop that in the bin.
No, no, no.
You... you could do a test.
I'll pop it in the bin
and we'll test it later.
Oh.
Fuckin' hell.
Oh.
-Whoa.
-Oh.
-Oh.
-Your... your breasts
are swelling, baby girl.
Oh, that's interesting.
- Oh.
- Is it?
-Has that happened before?
-What?
- No! Fuck!
- Mary.
You'd probably be
more comfortable
with a female doctor,
-wouldn't you?
-Yes, probably.
Yeah. Okay.
I wonder who's on call.
Wait!
No, no, wait. Please.
- Mary--
- Please make it stop.
Jesus Christ.
Do I have consent
to touch your breasts?
-Yes.
-Yes!
- Ow.
- Mastitis.
Oh.
Sudden, onset mastitis.
Okay, it feels like shit.
Please make a stop.
Is that nipple following me?
- What?
- What?
Oh, Mary!
Um.
Wow. Okay. I'll just--
Ow! Back in a tick.
-What did you do?
-Oh my God. What?
You shot him
in the eye with your tits.
Oh, Mum.
He might not be able to see now.
He's a doctor. He heals people.
Oh!
-Mum?
-What?
I think I felt something move.
Hmm.
Okay.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, it might
just be a bad angle.
We'll keep an eye
on that anyway.
Excuse me. Can I help you?
Yes, can you do
my daughter next, please?
-She might be alien pregnant.
-No, I'm sorry. No, no.
-You can't be in here.
-Mum, we shouldn't honestly.
-It's fine.
-No, it's not. You stay.
No, you stay there.
Mum, we should go.
Come on.
Mum, can-- Mum!
- Let's go. I'm sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
-Don't worry about it.
-Is she okay?
Yeah. We get a lot
of big feelings in here,
a lot of heightened emotions.
I'm sorry
we barged in like this.
There's nobody at reception.
It's okay. All right.
Well, we can just see you now.
Come on.
Sorry.
It's just a PUPPP rash.
-How many weeks are you?
-I don't know.
Um...
His, his penis was like alien,
so I think maybe it's
happening quite a bit faster.
Okay. Well, I don't know
about that sort of thing.
This is an internal wand.
We're going to get
a much clearer picture
at this early stage.
Up to you, though.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Mum, Mum, please just
turn around for this bit.
Now, you're going to be
much more comfortable
on your side with your knees up.
Put your knees right up.
Thank you. Thank you.
There we go. Okay.
Coldness coming in now.
There you go.
All right.
Here's your uterus.
-Oh.
-So if you are pregnant,
you should see a foetus
right about...
There. Ow!
-Did you see that?
-What?
I fucking told you there was
something inside of me.
-Language!
-I saw it.
-How big was it?
-Oh, about 12 weeks.
- Oh.
- Well, how big is that?
-Kumquat-size.
-How big is that?
About that.
Oh. Is it too soon
to know if it's a boy or a girl?
-Yeah, slightly too soon.
-I want it out.
I want it out of me. I want it
out of me right fucking now.
Hey. Well, it doesn't work
like that.
Okay, you can talk to your GP,
but there's paperwork,
tests, a meeting.
- Oh no, you don't!
- What are you doing?!
No!
Oh.
Fuck off!
- What on earth was that?
- Baby girl.
Oh, shit.
That was not okay.
Okay. Thank you.
Um, can you tell me
where the toilet is, please?
Please.
Is it a poo?
Stop looking at me.
I don't know what it is.
-Well, where's it coming out of?
-Turn around.
It's not a poo.
Well, isn't that
what you wanted?
Uh-huh.
Congratulations, I guess.
I don't think you went about it
the right way, though.
I'm not going to flush, okay?
Maybe we can be sure.
-I mean, that could be it.
-How would we know?
I don't know.
The heavy bits might have
gone down already, I guess.
Don't you think we ought to have
some kind of funeral
or something?
No.
Are you hungry?
Yeah.
I think I might
make us something.
Yeah, okay.
I haven't had anything
to eat all day.
Yeah, same.
You know, when I was pregnant
with you, I used to eat soap.
-What?
-Bars of soap.
I had a craving for them.
I used to nibble on them.
Some of them tasted
better than others.
Oh, Mum, that's so feral.
Hmm.
Oh, baby.
I'm sorry I made being a mum
seem so awful.
You don't want to try it.
It's okay.
I think you did me a favour.
I'm born again.
Hi, I'm Boo.
Sorry, excuse me.
Um, is Mary home?
- Who is it?
- Your baby daddy.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Mum.
Sorry, she's not feeling
very well.
Oh, it's... it's okay.
I can come back another time.
What does he want?
Just to say that I'm...
I'm very sorry
about all of this.
All what?
Uh, just...
well, just, like,
the whole pregnancy thing.
- Oh, it's not all your fault.
- Mum...
I'm sorry,
can you give us some space?
- Space?
- Please.
Never mind, I'm already
giving you 100% of the space
-you currently occupy.
-Okay, sorry,
I need a little bit more.
-I can come back another time.
-Like fuck you will.
- Mum.
- What?
-You want me to leave?
-Yes.
I'm not saying that.
Oh, look.
You guys have got
a lot to talk about, I get it.
Talk it out.
Talk is good.
Are you going to come in?
Uh, yes.
Um, is your mum okay?
Not really, no. We've both had
a really hard day, actually.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
- Shut the door.
- Oh, sorry.
Your mum made you
come over and do this?
What?
Yes.
Hmm.
She think I'm going to go
to the police or something?
Yes.
Well, I aborted your spawn.
Oh, thank the fuck Christ.
Well, thank me, bitch.
I'm the one
with the swollen vagina.
Sorry, thank you.
Thank you. Um, uh,
-how... how are you feeling?
-I feel shitty.
Hungry.
I could order you
a pizza if you want.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
Can you actually go
in the kitchen
and see if there's ice cream?
Hmm. Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
Hey, so your penis
is kind of like
proof of other intelligent life
in the universe, right?
Um, uh...
yeah, I guess.
Maybe you should
tell someone about it.
Hmm. Oh, I'd rather not.
Thank you.
You could make a whole bunch
of money off that.
Well, actually, I'm...
uh, I'm kind of
a content creator.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
I... I have like
an OnlyFans, um, but...
I don't really show my face.
Okay.
Huh.
-Yeah.
-Hmm.
Random.
-Do you want some or something?
-No, no.
I can... I can wait. Sorry.
So, um,
do you still want pizza?
Oh no.
-Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
-What, is it the ice cream?
Whoa, no.
Maybe you're like lactose
intolerant or something?
What should I do?
What should I do?
- Fuck!
- What should I do? Fuck!
Oh, fuck. Call an ambulance.
Sorry, um, is there
anything else I can do?
What?
I have a very big fear
of doctors, and my mum said
-that if they ever, like, saw...
-This...
-...my penis.
-...isn't about you.
Sorry, sorry. Um, I think
maybe we should
get our story straight.
Excuse me?
Just... just in case
they ask to talk to you.
No, no, no, I... I can do it.
I can do it.
Yes. May I have
one ambulance, please?
Yes my friend is, um,
just vomiting a lot.
Uh, yes, uh, unit B.
Uh, is... is... is there
blood in the vomit?
No, but it's fucking blue.
Okay, but it's very severe.
Um...
Um. Oh f--
What happened?
-Uh, ambulance is on the way.
-What did they say?
Um, uh, nothing.
Well, why the fuck
did you hang up?
Oh, oh, just, look, um...
They asked for my name,
and I don't want
to get too involved, so...
Oh, I'd say you're pretty
fucking involved.
Yeah, I know but, can you
please not say that to them?
What the fuck
am I supposed to say?
Some kind of immaculate shit?
I... I don't know,
just say it was the ice cream.
It's not the ice cream!
Okay, okay, yes.
But when you get there,
can you please not tell them
-like, who I am? Who--
-When I get there?
Oh, sorry. Okay,
when the ambulance gets here...
-Oh, where are you going to be?
-What? Why?
Because you're going to
come with me.
What, am I? No, no, no,
what about... what about you?
Yeah, they have to see
your penis.
No, no, no, my, my mum
-would shit in her pants at me!
-I'm going to shit in my pants
at you right fucking now.
Can you just, like,
not manage it?
I've been managing it,
but I'm sick of being
at the back of the fucking line,
like a mental fucking
crazy lady. It's embarrassing.
I have to ask my mum.
I'm sorry, what?
-I have to ask my mum.
-Oh!
Did you ask your mum before
you fucking came on me?
Yeah, they came back
for me a second time
after my first trimester,
and Boo a couple of times.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Look, honestly,
it's fine, Cynthia.
Oh, I know, I just mean
'cause you never asked
for any of this, eh?
Oh, well, that's not
entirely true. I just, um...
didn't, uh, figure
I'd wind up getting pregnant.
It's probably a little...
naive on my part.
What are they like?
I don't really talk about it.
People can be a, uh,
a little cruel.
- Yeah, well, people, eh?
- Wait.
I don't hear anything.
Shh, shh.
- What?
- What's that?
Hmm?
It could be for someone else.
So they were
alone together?
Well,
she asked me to leave.
What, your own house?
Well, they needed
some privacy. They aren't kids.
-Oh no.
-Is this all from your vagina?
No, Mum, it's vomit.
It's getting all in your hair.
Boo, there's an ambulance
coming. We should go.
Don't worry
about the mess, sweetie.
-Boo!
-Um, I think
maybe I have to do this.
Oh, we've got a mop.
Okay, what you have to do
is you just have to listen
to your mother.
-I'm not a child. Okay?
-Yes, you are. You're my child.
I haven't spent my whole life
protecting you just to watch
you follow some skank
into the lion's den.
-Sorry, Cynthia.
-Oh, it's fine.
If she's a skank,
then what are you?
- Hello, am I in the right place?
- I'm afraid so.
Did someone call an ambulance?
Yes, I did.
- Someone's been vomiting?
- Yeah, I'm down here.
Well, hello,
what's your name?
- Mary.
- Hello, Mary.
Do you think
you can make it out to the van?
- Yeah.
- It's all a bit
- intense in here, eh?
- We... we're just leaving.
- Mum, Mum, get off, Mum.
- Come on.
Mum, stop.
It's okay, I can walk.
-Boo, she can walk.
-I'm going with her.
Yeah, one support person
max with us, sorry.
Which should
be the mother, right?
- It has to be Boo.
- Does it?
Why?
Um...
'cause I have to
show them my penis.
You walk out that door
and you're on your own.
Sorry.
Hey, thank you.
Oi, what the fuck?
It's for the notes.
Boo, can you...
Sorry.
Right.
I... I'm not sick.
Oh, bless.
He's got
the right attitude.
Sorry.
I can't do this
with you, okay.
I can't...
I can't even look after myself.
It wouldn't be good, okay?
So...
I don't even. I don't...
I don't even know what you are.
I'm sorry.
Kia ora , Mary. Hi.
My name's
Detective Sergeant Maunga.
I've been called in
to see whether or not
we need to take you
into custody, all right?
- Yep. Cool, hi.
- Okay.
How are you doing?
-Uh, a bit shit, yeah.
-Yeah? Okay.
So, do you mind telling me
what happened?
So there was a guy
and he ejaculated on my pants
and he had an alien penis.
Um...
Weird stuff started happening
because I guess,
like, I'm pregnant now.
-Congratulations.
-No, no, no.
I tried to get rid of it.
I don't think it worked
because I was vomiting before.
And so then me and the guy,
we came here.
So what's the plan, Rob?
Eh, for what?
Um, for my abortion.
A--
Well, I'm not sure.
So...
Where are we going?
Well, you're headed
for the birth care unit,
I know that much.
No, I don't need birth care.
It's just what we call the place
for all the baby-related things.
Okay, well, it's not a baby.
Look, I think, um,
maybe you should discuss it
with your obstetrician
when they've examined you.
-Oh. Here we are.
-No, wait.
Wait. What... what about them?
No. We're going to
a different level.
Oh, but we're together.
-Are you?
-That's okay.
He's not sick, okay?
He's my emotional
support person.
Yeah, I'm just going to go.
If that's all right.
Mary, I'm going to need you
to not touch the other patient
-for both your safety.
-He's not a patient.
Aren't you my doctor?
You need to be
treated separately.
Wait, what? Get off of me!
- What the fuck? Stop!
- No, no, no.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- No!
-Stop!
-Mary! Mary, help me!
- Mary! Mary!
- Stop!
Don't let them take me!
I'm father of the baby!
Mary, please!
Hmm.
How is he?
Well, he's sedated while they
try and reattach his finger,
which you pulled off,
accidentally.
Mm-hmm.
I was just trying
to hold his hand.
-Right.
-And the doctors were also
pulling on him,
so I hope that you...
you should go
and talk to them as well, maybe.
The finger guy,
is this the same guy who...
ejaculated on you?
-Yep.
-Yeah.
With an "alien penis"?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
And the ejaculation event,
uh, did this raise
any issues of consent?
-Uh, yep.
-Right.
Would you like to file
a complaint?
No.
No?
-No.
-Okay.
Do you wish him
any further harm?
Not at this time, no.
-No?
-Mm-hmm.
Okay, I'll put down "no".
Okay, um...
Hmm.
Listen, Mary...
he may still press charges
when he wakes up,
but for now,
I think you're good to go.
What? No.
Yeah, well, I mean,
there's nothing else.
Is there--
Was there something else?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, the...
...the alien stuff.
Oh, well, it's not illegal
to have a weird penis.
Right, but...
is there, like, a department
or something that can, like,
work with alien pregnancies,
or is there maybe someone that,
-like, you could call?
-You mean like a--
You mean like a man in black?
Yeah, nah, nah,
we don't have one of those.
I mean, if we did,
no one's told me about it,
so, hmm, classic.
If there's anything else,
I'll let you know, okay?
- Yeah.
- Awesome. Hey, good luck.
-Thank you.
-You're gonna be a mum. Whoa!
Yeesh.
Hello, I'm looking for someone
with an alien penis.
- Are they a patient?
- Yeah.
Are you a relative?
Sort of. Sort of a relative.
Patient's last name?
Um, I don't...
I don't know his last name.
Then you're not a relative,
are you?
Well, his baby is inside of me,
so I think that that makes us--
-Married?
-What? No, no.
His first name is Boo.
He came here today
with me in an ambulance,
and he has an alien penis.
How many people like that
would you even get in a day?
No need to raise your voice.
Boo is in surgery,
not seeing visitors.
Maybe try again tomorrow.
- How many times...
- Mary?
Mary! You look terrible.
Is that your blood?
- No.
- Where's Boo?
I'm sorry, are you a relative?
I'm his mother.
Uh, sorry, ladies,
I will need you
to wait in the family room.
-That's my son.
-I'll go next.
What do you think
you're doing to him?
We've reattached the finger.
Team have done a fabulous job,
above and beyond, actually.
- Now we're just running tests.
- Stop staring at him
and put his pants
back on, please.
Whoa, we haven't finished
treating him,
-and you shouldn't be in here.
-He is not sick.
We don't know what he is.
He is my special boy,
so I need you to wake him up,
get him dressed,
because we are going home.
You're the sick one.
-Shame on you, doctor.
-I want to be next.
- Now, I need all of these...
- ...do tests on me, okay?
I want an abortion.
Okay, Mary, let's do that,
shall we?
Shall we start that process?
Now, do you reckon
this pregnancy is having a...
negative impact
on your emotional
-and your physical well-being?
-Yes.
Okay, cool, cool.
We will need to do
a full psychiatric assessment
just to make sure that you're
in the right frame of mind
to be making this
very important decision.
-Fuck that.
-That's pretty standard.
Hmm. And then,
of course, there will be scans
and blood tests,
probably a pelvic examination.
If we're going to do that,
we'll just,
-No.
-...refer you to the nearest
-clinic for the actual--
-No, it needs to be now.
It's growing, okay?
So it has to be now. Now!
Yeah, it's hard.
I wish you'd stop pitying me
and actually fucking help me.
- They're doing their best.
- Hey, look,
if the baby's showing
signs of distress,
I'm totally okay with just
looking into the possibility
-of an emergency caesar.
-I am showing distress signs
right now and it's not a baby,
okay? It's a fucking alien!
Hey, you might want to just
watch your language
if you want to be
taken seriously.
He's a health professional.
Could someone please get me
a wheelchair for my son?
Thank you.
Here we go. Thank you.
Why must you make this
all so humiliating?
Okay. We're gunna go.
Come on.
What happened to your hair?
Yeah, it burnt. Come on.
-Let's go. Up we go.
-Oh, come on.
- You're okay.
- Oh, am I in trouble?
No, no, no, we're just leaving.
Up you get, baby girl.
Come on.
Oh, uh, sorry, you haven't been
officially discharged.
We should stop
for some supplements.
- Hmm.
- You need folic acid at least.
- And iron.
- Hmm.
-Magnesium.
-Vitamin D.
And fish oil.
-Activated charcoal...
-Yes ginger. Ginger.
-Milk thistle.
-Yes, that's very good.
-We should all be taking that.
-Don't forget to engage #
- Where are you going?
- Don't follow me.
Oh!
Oh, we should go
after her?
Hmm, I think she just
needs some space.
But it's not safe.
Hmm, nowhere is safe.
Get off!
Wassup!
Hey, look out!
Fuck! Oh my God,
oh my God, oh my God!
Get the fuck out
of the car, I'm gonna puke!
Do you think she's dead?
Huh, come on.
We should take her
to the hospital.
No, I... I think she needs
some sugar, you know?
Hey look, I'm just glad
you're not dead, just saying.
Are you pregnant?
Yeah, I'm trying not to be.
Hmm.
One time my cousin Trish
put a condom
on her mum's vacuum cleaner
and stuck it up there.
Wow, Trish.
What, did she have like
a massive vag or something?
No, she used the crevice tool.
-Oh, does it actually work?
-Yeah, I think so.
Hmm, does anyone have a condom?
Oh yeah.
Thanks.
Oh.
Oh, look, it doesn't seem safe.
This is a ridiculous idea.
Are you drunk?
You don't have to agree
with me, Mum,
you just have to hold it
off the ground for a second.
I think we need
to put down a tarp.
-Do you have one?
-Uh.
Why are you doing this here?
Well, there's more space,
and also...
I did jizz on her.
Oh look, I'd feel better
if we had a talk
about this at our place.
- Hmm.
- Yep, okay, let's do that.
Great.
Come on.
I really don't want
my vacuum cleaner involved.
I really don't want her
to get an infection or worse.
Um,
sorry, I'm not outside yet.
Baby girl!
Don't you think it could be
the hormones talking?
Well then
I agree with them.
Oh.
Um.
Hey, do you think
that when this is done
that we can maybe
still hang out?
Shit is a little bit full on
for me at the moment, okay?
-Sorry, sorry.
-No, it's all good.
We can do anything
if I survive this, okay?
-Okay.
-And if you survive.
Wait, why,
why wouldn't I survive?
-Hand me that fucker.
-Oh, yep.
Turn around for this bit.
Oh, okay, yep.
I can't reach
pass my fucking belly.
Okay, try... try it
-from behind maybe.
-Don't tell her that.
Well, she wants to get it out,
Cynthia.
Baby girl, I've got
a bad feeling about this.
I think...
I think it's all the way in.
Oh, no, no, no,
that'll be your cervix.
You need to get behind that.
- Stop helping her.
- How?
You need to relax
and open the front door.
Drinking water can be good.
Sex is
supposed to be helpful too.
Oh, yes, yes. I... I used to
find it helpful to picture
a rosebud opening in the sun.
Mary?
Are you okay?
Son, if you want
to see her again,
you open
that front door right now.
Sorry.
- Boo, switch it on at the wall.
- Okay.
I don't-- Just...
just close the door.
- This is crazy.
- Stay out of it, Mum.
This isn't safe.
Nothing is safe
for me right now.
So?
-Don't.
-Let's do nothing.
- Oh, hey. Everybody okay?
- Mum.
Baby girl where are you?
- Mum?
- I'm just...
- Mum?
- Just hold on.
Oh, my phone
is not turning on.
Oh my God.
Where is she?
Are you okay, baby girl?
Did you get it out?
Be careful.
Maybe your waters broke.
What does that mean?
Boo.
I'm not...
I'm not doing anything!
Oh, shit.
I think I am.
Oh, oh, it feels...
Jesus
Cut it out of me! Cut it out,
-just cut it out, cut it out!
-It's okay. It's coming down!
It's not okay!
I'm sorry,
I mean it will be okay.
What are you talking about?
Well, we all just need to
stay calm and call an ambulance!
I...
I think I'm okay, maybe.
Yeah, that was
a contraction, baby.
I think it's gonna happen again.
Fuck that, eh?
Go and ask the neighbours
to borrow their phone, please.
-Why me?
-Because you jizzed on her.
I... I don't really know
them that well,
and it is quite dark outside.
Oh look. Ann, maybe...
maybe you just go yourself,
you know, just for time.
I, yet again,
am cleaning up your mess.
Sorry, Mary.
Um...
-Sorry, sorry about my mum.
-Well, don't apologise to us.
Sorry.
You can apologise to me.
Okay, sorry.
-Get me water.
-Please.
Water, sure. Yeah. Uh...
This isn't how I imagined
us having this moment, baby.
Please
don't say something
like you're glad anyway.
Okay, I won't.
I was gonna say that,
so I'm glad you said something.
More.
- Uh, sure.
- Please.
Oh, my mouth.
Feels like, dry shit.
Oh well,
water is good,
- 'cause it's important.
- Okay, great. Thank you.
Sorry.
Oh.
Uh, more?
- Please.
- Yeah. Okay.
See, that wasn't so hard,
was it?
-Was it too much water?
-Oh, where the fuck is your mum?
I don't know.
She... she only just left!
This is a contraction.
It's normal.
I was having contractions
for a week before you were born.
In the car, at the shops,
out fishing.
Fuck that!
Oh, I need a sharp knife!
-No you don't.
-Sorry, um,
we don't have any sharp knives.
- Oh, fucking find one!
- Okay.
Mary, seriously
we need to sanitise
the tarp and everything!
We don't seem to have-- Ow!
What was that?
-Uh, no.
-Sanitise it.
- Mary, stop this.
- Okay, yep.
We need to wait
for the professionals.
They can stitch me up
when they get here.
Well, why not let them
do the cutting, too?
Mum...
I'm gonna do this.
And I need your help
to stop the bleeding.
- I don't like it!
- Give me that!
I can't breathe!
Give it to me!
Jesus Christ...
I'm gonna need a first aid kit
if you're
gunna start doing that--
Mary, no! Oh, Boo, help me!
No! Mary, no! No!
Are you okay?
-Uh, me?
-No.
I'm still pregnant, so no.
Let's not try that again.
It needs to come out.
It needs to come out.
Oh, I just have this huge urge.
What... what is that?
-It might be the mucus plug.
-What the...
No that thing, um,
looks like an egg.
Um, baby girl, maybe just
hold back on your urges
for now until we get you
to the hospital.
I have to fart
or shit or something.
-Oh! Well, uh...
-Fuck!
...probably do that here
before we get my car.
Sorry, um, can we please
not do poos in the lounge?
No time!
- How are... how are you doing
it? -
Everyone okay?
Mary's just farting
and then we get you in my car.
-Oh, ambulance is on the way.
-Oh God, what took you so long?
Oh, some of the neighbours
are having trouble
-with their phones too.
-Oh God, which ones?
Mum!
Boo! Help!
Help!
Itis sucking me in!
Well, stop farting!
You're making it bigger!
-No, no, no!
-No, no, no!
No!
Don't get stuck in there!
-Ow, my finger! My finger!
-Mum! Mum!
Stop! Mum!
Oh no, Mum, I'm stuck!
Baby girl.
-Stop farting!
-I'm trying!
-It's sucking me in!
-Oh baby girl!
- Help!
- Baby girl!
Eww.
- Oh my God!
- What is it?
-What happened?
-Something touched me.
-Was it Mary?
-Um, maybe.
-It touched my knee.
-Oh, is she okay in there?
-I don't know. I--
-Shh, shh!
-It is Mary.
-What's she saying?
Maybe it's general screaming.
No, she's definitely
saying something, Boo.
We can't--
Sorry!
-Sorry, Sorry.
-What is it? What is it?
Sorry, no, she's tapping
on my knee again.
Um, I think. I think
she's trying to communicate.
Well, what's
she trying to say now?
I don't know. Maybe she's
asking, like, if I'm okay.
Well, maybe you should ask her
if she's okay, honey.
Yeah. Ask her
if anything's happening yet.
Yeah. But how do I do that?
-Well, with your body language?
-And be supportive.
Um...
Okay.
No. No. No, Mum.
Mum, please don't!
No, no, no, no.
Good evening. I'm Sofia,
this is my partner Sophie,
-I just call her Soph.
-Hey.
-Can we come in?
-Uh, yes.
But you should know
the place is a bit of a mess.
Oh, seen worse.
Oh, really?
Yeah, nah. Um,
what exactly is going on here?
My daughter's having
a very difficult pregnancy.
And, um, she's inside
this nest thing.
It just kind of
grew by itself, it's...
Does she have a midwife
or are you the...?
Me? Me? No.
No, no, this is just my flat.
And no, we don't have a midwife.
Um, everything's been happening
a bit too fast
to book anything in.
And how about you, son?
Are you breathing okay?
Um, yes, I'm going good,
thank you.
Okay, good.
And your partner's inside there.
Is she okay?
Any... any movement?
Um, well, technically,
she's not my partner.
Uh, yes. Uh, yes.
Yes. Something...
something is happening. Um, I,
I think we're communicating.
-Um...
-What exactly?
What is she saying, honey?
Nothing at all.
Okay well, normally I'd suggest
we get the fire department
in to deal with
this sort of a mess.
But I think we should
just pull them out.
Wait, wait, wait!
Hold on, wait, wait, wait!
Um, I think I'm okay here now.
This isn't about you.
My baby girl's in there.
-She's okay as well. I think.
-And how can you tell?
The lady asked you
a question, honey.
Spit it out.
She took off my pants.
Ugh.
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
Nobody look at me!
Oh yeah.
Could be keen eh?
Ow!
How's it going
in there, Boo?
Um, fine.
You need anything?
Some water?
Some electrolytes?
Um, maybe, like, uh,
stop talking to me, thank you.
I had a terrible time
giving birth to baby girl.
Took ages.
In the end, they had to put
the forceps right up there
- and pull her out.
- Jesus.
- Hmm.
- Did you try, you know...
-getting jiggy with it?
-No, I didn't, actually.
Try what?
Right, fun's over,
let's pull him out, Soph?
-Yeah.
-It's gonna be okay, baby boy.
One, two, three!
Baby, you did it!
You're a mum!
Uh, what?
Oh, hang on a minute.
They want to talk to you.
Hold that. Hold that.
G'day, Mary.
Congrats. Can I come in?
Um.
Soph, better come in
and take a look at the baby.
Yeah.
Bag, please.
How you doing?
Having a bit of a time?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, mate.
I'm just gonna
check your pulse first.
Okay, did you want me to put
a cable tie on this umbilical?
Will it help?
Some mothers choose to wait
till it stops pulsating.
Why?
It just gives the baby
time to get more nutrients
-from your blood.
-No, no, it's had enough.
Is there more?
Oh fuck, am I having twins?
No, it might
just be the placenta, okay?
- Uh-huh.
- Baby girl's a mum.
Shut up!
Is it bad?
No, look, it's nothing
some stitches won't fix.
-How's little one, Soph?
-Yeah, seems okay.
Um, I just don't know
what's normal around here,
um, and it has a tail.
- Is it breathing?
- Yes.
Okay, well,
wrap it in your towel.
Look, I think the two of you
better go for a ride, eh?
Oh, can we do it here?
The stitches maybe,
but it won't be as pretty
as... as the doctor's,
and I'm not quite sure
what we can do
if... if the baby needs help.
Okay, well, that's not
my fucking problem.
Mary, you sound like a bad...
Bad what?
Person.
I know that you think
that this is cute.
Huh?
It's a miracle of life.
Yes, I--
But I don't want to be a mother.
Okay?
I did not agree to this.
And I still don't.
Okay... okay how about
some temporary stitches now,
and then taking baby
to the hospital
-can be Papa's problem.
-Thank you.
I love you.
I love you too, Mum.
Now, did you want to put
this up your bum, or shall I?
Oh go on then.
Can somebody please
pull up my son's pants?
Bags not.
Did you see it?
What? The baby?
No, my... my pee-pee,
she... she crushed it,
-and I... I can't feel anymore.
-Okay, you're a father now,
Boo, okay? You've got to stop
thinking about your pee-pee.
It's not all about you anymore,
all right? Arm up.
Congrats.
Um.
Not sure if it's a girl
or a boy, though.
Some mysteries there.
Want to have a cuddle?
Um, I'm okay. You're doing
great, too. Thank you.
I think it likes you.
I don't... I don't want
to get too attached to it,
maybe just like give it to Mary.
Uh, she said
you'll take care of it.
-In what way?
-In all the ways. Here.
Support the head.
For God's sake.
-Which way is the head?
-The opposite end from the tail.
The what?
Oh.
What... what are you looking at?
Baby has a tail.
Ew, that's not
my fucking fault, is it?
Hmm?
Mum!
Mummy!
Mum. Mum.
Okay, you're going to need
to clean this whole thing up,
-okay? It's started to turn.
-Look, look!
Mum! Mum, I have a breast.
It's sucking my blood
like a vampire.
And you did the same thing
but I didn't start
screaming about it! Did I?
What... what did you do?
Just put you
on the other breast.
No, no, no, no.
No, I am... I am not doing that.
Okay, well then go
and buy some formula.
Can you go get me some, please?
- No!
- Please.
Are you even keeping her?
Well, then why would I bother
buying you formula?
To make it stop screaming.
It's just...
Oh, just put it on the breast.
- No, but it hurts.
- Yeah, I know.
I breastfed you for four years.
Just wait till
she has teeth, honey.
Well, at least I was like,
uh, human.
You were close enough.
So is she.
Look, it's not so bad
if you get a good latch.
She'll probably just
go straight to sleep.
There we go.
That's it. That's it.
And here we go.
Ah, it is sensitive.
There we go. Come on.
Yep. There we go.
There we go. That's it.
That looks pretty good.
Always feels a bit funny
at the start.
-God, this place smells.
-What?
Could be that
placenta going off.
-Oh, get rid of it.
-No! You get rid of it, Boo.
- Oh, shit. Oh, what do we do?
- Throw it in the bin.
-What if it's start to scream?
-No, not the baby.
The blanket.
- Shit.
- Oh, just clean it up.
Well, I've got a lot going on.
Can you do it?
No, I am setting a boundary.
You've got to start cleaning up
your own mess,
-Boo.
-What about Mary?
Oh, the woman you ejaculated on.
What about her?
Where is she?
Oh, shit.
Oh, fucking ow.
Are you okay in there?
-Do you need any help?
-No, I'm fine.
Okay.
Well, let me know
if another pair of hands
would be useful.
I'm speaking
from experience here,
because you ripped me
from my pink to my stink.
Oh, loving that mental image.
Thank you so much, Mum.
It took me
more than a year to get over it.
I had to take painkillers
just to do number two.
The blood has dried, and it's
glued the nappy to my gooch.
Oh.
Is it all right
if I take a look?
Yeah, since when
do we have boundaries?
You've had so many people
all up in your business.
I thought you might
need some space.
No, it's all good,
but I do appreciate you asking.
-Thank you.
-Okay.
Let's see if we can get
this thing wet, shall we?
Oh, oh my God,
it's already happening.
-It's okay.
-I'm sorry.
-It's stinging, it's stinging.
-It's okay.
-Ow!
-It's okay.
It's only natural.
Embrace the flow.
groans
Okay.
I really appreciate you, Mum.
I appreciate you too, Mary.
Oh!
Oh! Fucking hell!
There we go. There we go.
Oh, yeah.
Actually kind of cute, huh?
Okay.
Okay. Well, uh, this is it.
Uh, you know, maybe we'll
see each other again, you know?
Because I'll, you know,
come find you,
and you'll be famous.
-Oh shit, sorry, wrong house.
-Hey, get back here.
Were you about
to leave this baby here?
No, no. Wait...
do you, uh, wait,
do you want me to?
No, I don't want you to.
That's kind of fucked up.
Honey!
This guy's trying
to leave us his baby.
We don't need
any more babies.
Yeah, I told him.
Let me see.
It's quite cute.
Why does he look like that?
Kind of have like
an alien penis, and...
looks a bit like that.
And so, yeah, that's the truth.
No shame, mate. No shame.
But hey...
it gets easier.
- Really?
- Definitely.
- Boo!
- Oh! Oh.
-Haha.
-Hey, hi.
-Hi.
-Hi, Mary.
Uh, uh, nice to...
nice to see you.
-My mum said you have titties.
-No, um...
yeah. Uh, well, it's just
like... it's just one tit.
But my mum said I should
let the baby latch
onto the other one,
just so like, um, even them out.
Smart. Nice.
Uh, how... how... how are you?
I'm all good. Just like,
full force pissing my pants
every time I sneeze.
- That's hot.
- Ew.
Sorry, sorry.
Um, uh, can I help in any way?
Thanks.
But, you know, I've got my mum.
Mums, eh?
Uh, frickin' eh.
Want to come over to my house,
watch some shit on TV sometime?
Yes. Sorry, yeah. Yes, please.
-Thank you, yeah.
-Okay. Cool.
-I better go do some dad stuff.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Hey, Boo,
does the baby have a name?
Um, no.
Oh. You should give it a name.
Yeah.
Hey, um, you...
you know that you're welcome
to have a cuddle
anytime you want.
You know, if you want.
Yeah...
Nah.