Murder Mystery (2019) Movie Script

So I put my finger here,
and check this...
the watch tells me I have a heart problem.
Wouldn't a mirror tell you the same thing?
Yeah, but this has weather, too.
We got an hour until
we're meeting the ladies for dinner.
- Yeah.
- You wanna catch a beer?
I can't. I gotta run a few errands.
What? You don't want a beer? What's wrong?
got the results back
from the detective exam.
You failed again?
This is why I never took that test.
All the anxiety and disappointment.
At some point, you have to realize
you have hit your ceiling
and just give up.
You know, you should go around
and speak at schools.
- That was very inspiring.
- I should. Kids need to hear this shit.
I don't get it, man.
I know all the answers,
I just freeze under pressure.
You know, I can't take the exam
for, like, three more months,
so I gotta continue lying to Audrey.
So when we're at dinner tonight, please,
- tell your wi...
- Ah! No.
Come on, man.
You know I'll lie for you anytime.
I will cover up dead bodies for you.
But if I ask Holly to lie to your wife,
there's no way we're messing around.
It's Freaky Friday!
You don't have to lie,
just tell her to ignore when I'm lying.
That's it.
- Okay, fine.
- Thank you.
You owe me.
See you tonight.
I gotta get Claritin. Claritin.
Oh, my God! Look!
He took her in a helicopter?
My husband won't even pay for Uber Black.
Yeah. I don't even...
I can't even remember the last time
that Nick did anything
even remotely romantic.
I mean, he used to leave me,
like, cute little mixtapes,
little love notes in the bathroom.
Love notes are dead.
When my husband wants to have sex,
he just texts me the eggplant
and doughnut emoji.
Eggplant and doughnut...
Oh. He's the eggplant.
More like a fingerling potato.
It doesn't take that much.
There are guys at the intersection
selling flowers.
You just roll down the window,
grab a bunch, bring 'em home.
- I mean, they couldn't make it any easier.
- No kidding.
I mean, tomorrow
is our 15th wedding anniversary.
I'm still waiting on that trip to Europe
he promised me on our wedding day.
- That's been 15 years?
- Yeah.
I could have walked to Europe by now.
You know, you just have to tell him.
I just don't want to have to tell him.
I just want him to know.
- No, they never just know.
- I know.
- That doesn't happen.
- You have to tell men everything.
If you want the dishes to not go
in the sink, you have to tell them.
If you want him to shower
before he comes to bed,
- you have to ask him.
- Ugh.
That's why they have those signs
in bathrooms at restaurants
to tell employees to wash their hands.
Those aren't for women, guys.
Those are for men.
Or maybe you could just text him,
airplane, wine glass,
Italian flag, eggplant,
doughnut, doughnut, doughnut.
Let's go with the 50.
Hi, welcome.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Are you gonna tell 'em
about the stuff in your backpack?
Mind your own business, man.
I'm paying for this.
I like your sneakers.
They must be expensive.
Is that why can't afford
the Monster Energy Drink
or the Flamin' Hot Cheetos?
- Hang on. Hang on.
- Hey, let go of me, man.
I can't believe I was right.
Keep your mouth shut.
I'll mess you up, old man.
Old man. Oh, my God.
First of all,
I should throw you in jail
just for calling me "old man,"
but you bring that stuff back,
I'll let you go 'cause I'm late
for dinner and I'm hungry as shit.
Go ahead.
- Tylenol PM? Am I right?
- No.
It's not good for that.
It depends on what time of year you go.
That makes sense.
Can I get another?
We're gonna have another one?
I'm just saying, we're paying today.
Maybe you can take it easy a little bit.
Hey, hey. Nick. Nick.
What... What's wrong with you?
Sorry. Should I not order
another drink, Detective?
No. Holly, order another drink.
Order as much as you want.
I was joking around.
- That's not funny.
- The reason...
I'm just in a great mood
because I had a great day today.
- Did we have a great day or what?
- It was a fabulous day. Incredible day.
Really? Did you get another hot case?
Of what?
That was good. No, listen.
Going great, kid. I promise you.
It's like, uh, they're trusting me
more and more,
and I, um, I wish I could tell you
what it was,
but it's... it's confidential.
- Wait a second.
- What?
Oh, my God.
- What is this?
- What is that?
My baby Jimmy got it for me
for my birthday.
- Jimmy!
- What?
- Celebration diamonds.
- Oh, my gosh.
- It's gorgeous!
- Thank you, Audrey.
- Very expensive.
- Wow, Jimmy.
I got you something special.
I promise, you're gonna be very happy.
- Really?
- I can't wait.
See, I would've pegged you, Nick,
as an Amazon gift card kinda guy,
but... I'm no detective.
Hey! You know what, guys?
Let's toast to my friends,
Nick and Audrey.
Fifteen wonderful years.
- Fifteen.
- Here's to true love, guys.
- True love.
- Yeah.
Dinner was insane, but that's expected.
But I'll tell you what,
I want to record Holly
chewing her ice cubes,
use it as my alarm in the morning.
Guarantee me of wanting to
wake up and leave.
What's the matter?
You didn't like that joke?
I'm flossing.
I can see that.
You're doing it extra hard tonight.
And I'm not sleeping with
the fan on tonight. I hate that sound.
No fan necessary.
We'll crank the AC, babe.
Uh-oh. What, what, what?
You're gonna yell at me?
I can see this. Hang on.
Why don't you do some more angry flossing?
How come we haven't gone to Europe, Nick?
You have to explain this to me.
We never go anywhere.
We travel.
I took you to the Poconos that time.
What? The Poco... That was...
That was for a funeral, Nick.
How about, uh, when we went to Virginia
when my uncle was in a hospice
and we got to see him die?
- We did that.
- Ugh, Nick. Come on.
I'm talking about the postcard.
- You don't remember that?
- I remember it. Of course I remember it.
It's been 15 years, Nick.
I don't know what we're waitin' for.
Now you've gone and done it, Audrey.
What? What'd I do?
I told you I had something big
for you at dinner,
and you couldn't wait till
tomorrow morning?
We're finally going to Europe.
Happy anniversary.
Oh, my God. I have chills.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I'm so...
- I ruined your surprise!
- Shh. You didn't ruin anything.
You're the greatest. You deserve it.
I love you.
- I love you!
- It's still a surprise. I swear.
- We can afford it, right? This is all...
- We can afford it, of course.
- Okay.
- I'm getting my raise this year.
- Right.
- We're all set. Come on.
- Hello. Hi.
- Hello.
So, uh, we are on our honeymoon,
and I was wondering
if we could possibly get an upgrade
because I have miles. Maybe...
I don't even know if it's from
this airline, but do they expire, or...
Sir, you would have needed
to request that in advance.
- Yeah.
- Right this way, please.
- Thank you. I'm so sorry.
- We did try advance. I tried calling.
- And, um, nobody...
- Who'd you call?
- Crazy busy signals.
- Really?
- It's the busy signals!
- Who did you try to call?
I don't want to give it away.
It was the butler.
The butler did it.
It's never the butler who did it.
I don't even think there are butlers.
That's just a word created
for those goofy books you're addicted to.
Would you just please, please shh?
Leave my books alone, okay?
Just let me read.
I just like... Makes me happy.
Are you okay? You're cranky.
Are you bored?
- I'm gonna go to sleep.
- Take a nap.
- Are you okay with that?
- Wait, don't...
But just, please, don't...
don't lay all the way back.
- Don't take it back?
- No.
Why? You don't want
my double chin to show?
It's not your chins, okay. It's just rude.
- Okay. 'Cause you splay out.
- All right.
And then your seat is in, like,
the lap of the guy behind you.
- So just be considerate of everybody.
- I'll stay up. Thank you.
Oh, excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hello. Hi.
Could I please have some earplugs?
For nine dollars.
Nine dollars? For earplugs?
That's okay. I'll just...
I'll just use my peanuts.
I'll just...
A fellow insomniac, I see.
Yes. I...
Yep. I know, right?
I just cannot sleep on these things.
So what brings you across the pond?
Actually, it's my... it's my honeymoon.
Oh. Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Where's your husband?
Asleep. He's dead... dead asleep.
We've actually been married for 15 years,
but we just have been very, very,
very, very busy.
Then a toast to the whirlwind
that is your life.
- Sorry, ma'am.
- Oh, yes!
The bar is for
first class passengers only.
Of course. Of course it is.
I'm so sorry, yes.
I will head back to the lower class cabin
and sit where I should and, uh...
shovel some coal.
She's my guest.
Unfortunately, sir,
she'd need her own first class ticket.
Charles Cavendish.
I'm so sorry, sir.
Charles Cavendish?
Is that your real name?
I'm afraid so.
I mean, that sounds like
it just fell right out of a...
mystery novel.
And which character would I be?
Name like that,
you'd have to be the bad guy.
here's to the bad guys.
- Okay, so your fiance...
- Hm.
...leaves you...
...for your elderly uncle...
Will you two kindly shut up?
Oh, be quiet.
Or we shall tell everyone about the ferret
you've smuggled in here.
The whole thing is tawdry, I know.
- Tawdry.
- He desired my betrothed,
and Uncle Malcolm always gets
what he wants.
Malcolm. Uncle Malcolm.
- Quince.
- Uncle...
Malcolm Quince is your uncle?
That billionaire?
- That's the one.
- Oh, my gosh.
He looks just like this...
if this wrinkled olive had $70 billion.
Seventy billion dollars.
I'm traveling to Monaco with the newlyweds
on his yacht
for the Grand Prix this weekend.
Why? Why would you do that?
Why would you go on their yacht
after what they just did?
Because I'm English, Mrs. Spitz.
- I'm a glutton for social masochism.
- Oh.
And I plan on getting blind drunk
and ruining the festivities.
Okay. I support that.
- I say, Audrey...
- Hm.
Do you and your husband
have plans this weekend?
You made a joke. That's...
Holy shit! This plane has a bar?
Sir, this is the first class lounge.
I'm gonna have to ask you
to return to your seat.
There's bars on planes now?
Planes have bars now. In first class.
This is... Man, I wish my mother was
still alive to see this.
She was an alcoholic, but a nice one.
Sir, if you don't return to your seat,
I'm gonna have to call...
The cops.
So that's my wife
talking to that handsome guy over there
with the one chin.
So I'm gonna go break that shit up,
possibly grab myself a beer,
maybe you a Xanax.
...the wine on board is worth a letter.
People don't write letters
anymore, do they?
- Such a pity.
- It's just, it's all so tactical.
Yeah, that's true.
- How are you?
- Hi, honey. You're awake.
- Was your nappie good?
- Been awake.
- I was looking for you.
- I know, I'm...
- Well, I met this lovely gentleman.
- Oh, yeah?
I'd like you to meet Charles Cavendish.
- He's a lord. Right?
- How do you do?
- A lord?
- Well, actually a viscount.
- Oh.
- Although viscounts are addressed as Lord,
which probably accounts
for the lovely Audrey's confusion.
There you go.
She gets confused with me too.
Sometimes I'm the king.
Sometimes I'm Daddy.
So... can I get a Labatts, brother?
That'll be 17 euro.
No, no, no. Please.
The beer is on me.
I'm not just taking a beer
from somebody I don't know.
Oh, my gosh.
And I do hope you take advantage
of my other offer.
Hey. I'm not just gonna stand here
while you offer to pay me
to have sex with my wife.
But out of curiosity,
how much are we talking?
- Great.
- I wouldn't do it.
- Hey, listen to me.
- What?
He is inviting us to spend the weekend
with him on a yacht with his family.
Well, we have plans.
On a bus.
A bus that is bound
for the idyllic village of San Grigio,
where we can watch a demonstration
on how they age ham.
- Let me explain something.
- Tell me what I'm missing.
- Are you kidding me?
- Go.
We would be sailing
around European harbors.
- Yeah.
- Okay? We'd be eating fresh fish.
- Right.
- And we'd be drinking wine.
- Hmm.
- We'd be together.
That's nice.
- They have a chef.
- They have a chef.
His name is Maurice. Maurice?
- Maurice, yes.
- Maurice.
"Some people call me Maurice."
Remember that one?
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Sure.
I gotcha.
So listen...
What are you doing?
Why would two adults come into a bathroom
on an airplane?
Honey, come on.
To have a private conversation.
Ah, that's funny.
Listen. I'm just trying to understand
why you are turning down
the opportunity of a lifetime.
Because I don't trust that guy.
- Why?
- 'Cause instincts.
Your instincts?
The same ones that told you
you were about to get laid in here?
I'm not getting laid?
Come on! When is the next time you and I
are gonna be able to get on a yacht?
I'm just saying, all those times
we're eating ham sandwiches
and you're always asking,
"How do they age the ham?"
- Never had that...
- We'll never ask that question again
- because we'll be in San Grigio.
- That never happened.
They'll give us the reason
on how they do it so perfectly.
Okay. You wanna know the truth?
- You're breaking my heart.
- Why?
I feel like a schmuck
because I've been working my ass off
and saving money, and now you know why.
It was to take us on this trip.
And I know I'm not a duke.
I understand. He's a viscount, but...
- I don't even know what that is.
- I know. It's okay.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
- I got lost. I got swept up in it.
- I know.
But it's okay. We're gonna do the bus.
It's gonna be great.
We'll do the bus.
You're gonna love the bus!
Hey! Hey, Gonzales.
Where is our welcome glass of champagne?
- We were promised...
- Summer hit me!
...a glass of champagne when we arrived...
Zip it! Both of you! Will you stop that?
I know you hear me!
Shut up!
Let's do the... We'll do the yacht, okay?
- Thank you.
- All right.
We've changed our minds. We're gonna come.
- Hello.
- Bienvenidos.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- De nada.
- This is amazing.
- Seor.
I thought it was gonna be bigger.
- What?
- I did.
- Bigger than this?
- I really did.
I bet that's Cavendish's ex-fiance
who left him for his uncle.
Oh, okay.
I'm starving. Where's that Maurice dude?
Uh, I don't think
we're supposed to talk to him directly.
- Let's wait for dinner.
- Which is when?
I don't... Honey, it's later.
I don't know. It's Europe, okay?
The bus observes
a standard American dinnertime, so...
Oh, baby, this is like a painting.
- No, it's nice...
- It just doesn't look real.
- It's...
- Oh, my God!
Wow. Look. She's so pretty.
- Very pretty.
- She's that kind of pretty
that you don't really know
what country she's from.
I mean, I can't tell. Can you tell?
Ah, yes, yes. You see? See?
She can hear you.
She's not a... not on television right now.
- You're watching a real person.
- Shh.
Crashing the party with civilians.
Are you drunk?
It's only noon, Suzi, darling.
Of course I'm drunk.
So, where is your beloved,
Sir Liver Spots?
Malcolm is not here yet.
You know how he likes to make an entrance.
You'd know more about Malcolm's entrances
than anyone at this point.
- Great to meet you. You're terrific.
- Nice to meet you. Pleasure.
I'm sorry you had to see that.
- Actually, I started to like you.
- She deserved that.
- Very good. You came on strong.
- She is not nice. You're hurt.
So glad you could make it.
And you brought guests.
Allow me to introduce my cousin, Tobey.
Malcolm's only son
and the man Suzi would have left me for,
had he not been a screaming queen.
- Okay.
- Thank you for having us aboard, sir.
Yeah. Hey, really nice.
It's my father's boat.
Oh, well, her father, uh, let me use
his lawnmower one time,
- so I know how that goes.
- Yeah.
How do you know Charles?
Oh. We go back to six hours ago?
- Yes.
- We met on an airplane.
He was very nice to include us.
We have a spare cabin for them, I assume.
Well, seeing as you have so much history,
I'm sure we can find some room.
Thank you. Thanks for the warm welcome.
Appreciate it. After you.
- Up here? This keeps going up?
- Really nice of you. So we go this way?
- Wow.
- There's another deck, hun. Another deck!
"Sex-crazed oldster Malcolm Quince
wed 23-year-old ski instructor
Suzi Nakamura this week."
- Mm-hmm.
- "Why would the Tokyo-born tart
trade downhills for dentures?
Perhaps the $70 billion
his son, Tobey, was set to inherit."
- Wow.
- Oh, my God, baby.
We are literally right in the middle
of a TMZ story.
You were right about this yacht.
Their shaving cream smells like coconuts.
- It's incredible.
- Sorry.
You're allergic to rich people now?
No. Stop it! I'm allergic to stuff.
Would you please grab me the Claritin?
Yes. Here.
Baby, that's Allegra.
You said you packed Claritin.
That's the same thing.
No, honey. Allegra doesn't work for me.
Okay. When we get to Monaco,
I'll get you your Claritin.
It's not... It's gonna be called
something else over there,
I'm telling you.
Just remember, we... The blue box.
You know, "Allegra" in, uh, French
means the same shit as Claritin.
- Smile.
- Yes.
You need to stop drinking. You're a drunk.
Look at him.
Why is he torturing himself like that?
I mean, she's already married to Malcolm.
I don't know what else
he's expecting her to say to him.
She's saying he's a cad...
...and he's saying she's a tramp,
and they're both right.
How do I know you? You're...
You're an actress, right?
All women are actresses, dear.
I'm just clever enough to get paid for it.
Grace Ballard.
My God!
That's... This is incr...
I'm a massive fan of yours!
- Like, number one!
- Oh.
- This isn't...
- I know. It's incredible.
I am Nick Spitz. This is my wife, Allison.
- I can't believe...
- Aud... Audrey. I'm Audrey.
- I said Audrey!
- No, you didn't.
Allison is the character
she played in the...
Remember the one?
We watched it together.
Where it's a beautiful lady,
it turns out she's a robot?
- And there's the bra...
- She's the robot!
- There's guns coming out of your bra.
- Yes!
Sex Machina. My breakout role.
So good.
Look at this, right in front of us!
I feel like I got kicked
in the belly right now!
- Okay. Hey, hey, hey.
- I lost my wind!
Let's go put on some sunscreen
'cause it's...
You already put the sunscreen
on me earlier.
No, we're gonna... we're gonna
reapply the sunscreen.
- We're putting more on?
- We're gonna reapply.
All right. We'll put more on.
- So nice to meet you.
- I can't believe... This is great!
- He's so excited.
- We're on the same ship!
Look at that. It says that her last name
isn't even really Ballard.
Well, so what?
How do you just come out
looking that beautiful?
- Oh, she's had it all done.
- What?
Lips, nose, chin.
People really get their chins done?
- Mm-hmm.
- Huh!
That was so directed at me,
it was disgusting.
You want me to get my chin done.
And I'm not...
I love you for who you are.
Although it's an option.
Would you guys excuse me for a moment?
- I should say hello to the Maharajah.
- Absolutely.
- Everyone's saying it.
- Do you believe we're on a boat
where the guy said, "I'm gonna go have
a conversation with the Maharajah?"
- That was big.
- Is this real?
Excuse me, ma'am?
Is there a Maurice here?
'Cause I'm hungry as hell.
Yes, sir. He's preparing.
He's preparing. Okay.
Is he ever gonna finish?
Please tell Maurice
to step on the gas.
- Oh, honey, honey, honey.
- Mm-hmm?
Okay, um, don't look right now,
but there's a really scary man
- with an eye patch...
- Mm-hmm?
...who's just staring right at us.
I said don't look and you can't not do it.
You say eye patch and scary,
I'm gonna look.
I'm sorry.
It's physically impossible not to.
All right. Okay.
He's walking at us.
- Honey, honey.
- Play it cool.
- Hey, fellas. What's up? How are ya?
- Hey. Hi.
- Who let you two on board?
- Excuse me?
What is happening right now?
They're my guests, Colonel.
- This weekend is for family only.
- Really?
The last time I checked,
you're not family.
Neither is Soviet Chewbacca over there.
Nick, Audrey.
- Yeah, you're not family for sure.
- Okay.
Jesus. So I see one of them
was packing heat.
- Was I supposed to bring a gun?
- Oh, I doubt it's even loaded.
That's Colonel Charles Ulenga
of the Namibian Defense Force.
Malcolm's best friend.
He saved his life
from a bombing attempt in '94.
That's where he lost his eye and his...
And his dick? Did he lose his dick?
- Honey, why?
- I thought that maybe it was his dick.
And that's Sergei Radjenko,
former Spetsnaz, and his bodyguard.
Crazy eye patch guy needs a bodyguard?
Whoa! The hand!
There's a hand.
It's not on his body anymore.
Oh, look at this.
Now he's smoking his dick!
- He's smoking his dick!
- No. Oh, God. Would you stop it?
I'm just having fun. It's a boat.
Can I ask you a question?
What exactly... is a maharajah?
Why don't you ask him yourself?
Vik, I have some guests
I'd like you to meet.
Nick and Audrey Spitz,
I present the exalted Maharajah
Vikram Shivan Govindan of Mumbai.
- Oh, my gosh. It's so...
- Hey.
So nice to...
- Nice...
- We're...
Yo-ho-ho! That was very hilarious. Ah!
With all the bowin' and shit.
You know, when a brown person bows,
white people bow back, innit?
- Up high. How about...
- I'm sorry.
He's giving you... Respect!
- That was very good. Very funny.
- That was a joke.
Audrey has a question
she'd like to ask you.
Let me hear it.
Oh. We were actually wondering,
what exactly is a maharajah?
How do you...
Do you have to go to a school for that?
Yeah, I was born into the game.
- Oh, you're born into it.
- Okay, born into it.
What do you do, Nick?
- I am...
- Nick's a detective.
Tight! You ever wet up anyone?
- What's that?
- Yeah, you know, like drill,
bust a cap, waste. You're like...
- He's funny. No, never shot anybody.
- No! God!
Which is a good thing.
Nick is... Well, it's just that
you're a terrible shot.
He's a terrible shot.
He barely got out of the academy
because he couldn't even meet, like,
his minimum marksmanship skills.
Audrey is lactose intolerant.
- She also burps in her sleep.
- What?
I just thought 'cause we are discussing
each other's flaws right now,
you wanted to put it on the table.
I'm sorry I... Listen, I didn't think
that was a sensitive subject...
It's not a sensitive subject,
I just don't like you telling
- everybody we meet.
- I'm sorry I brought it up. Never mind.
- Whoa.
- Oh, my gosh. Look at this.
- Look at this crazy.
- Wow. Babe.
Well, this room is as nice
as the way you look.
- You look stunning.
- Thank you, honey. That's so sweet.
Everybody's in tuxedos.
- I wish you'd let me pack.
- I shoulda wore socks. You're right.
- Yo! Juan Carlos!
- Hey!
- Oh, good luck, man.
- Hey.
Hi. Hi, there.
What are we wishing you good luck for?
Well, he is racing
in the Monaco Grand Prix tomorrow.
Wow. That's big.
Juan Carlos Rivera,
let me introduce you to...
Steve and Lady Steve.
- What?
- No.
- No, no.
- I mean, if you want.
- Just met us once.
- Yeah, all right. I'm gonna...
- I'm Audrey.
- ...go again.
I'm Nick, and then we're the Spitzes.
Juan Carlos, huh?
Hey, Juan Carlos.
So you're a race car driver.
Good, yes.
Wow. How do you
get into something like that?
Uh, number one, yes.
You don't speak English, do you?
Uh, very fast. Very fast.
- Huh? Welcome.
- Okay.
What's that?
That is the Quince dagger.
Chinese steel,
jewels from across the Orient.
A gift to the family from Marco Polo,
or so the legend says.
Nick's grandmother gave us
a toaster from Sears.
So the legend says.
Oh, look.
Here comes Daddy.
What's that?
Captain Wong,
I'd like to address my guests privately.
My friends,
welcome to the Mediterranean Queen.
I can't tell you
how much it warms my heart
that you have made this trip here
to celebrate my nuptials.
You will find, as you get older,
that you begin to take stock of life.
Not just where you've succeeded,
but where you've failed.
you've failed.
my darling bride,
who has so much of her life ahead of her.
Grace, who shines so brightly
on the silver screen.
Juan Carlos, my godson,
who strives to lead my race team
to victory.
Who are you?
- Oh. Hey. We're the Spitzes.
- We're the...
The who?
Uh, I'm Audrey, and Nick Spitz.
- Great.
- We love the boat.
- A boat? I mean, this is a ship.
- It's beyond.
- Never seen anything like this.
- Eric Lamonsoff has a boat.
We go fishing. He's got a Boston Whaler.
This is gigantic.
They're my guests, Uncle.
You brought guests?
Well, you did take my plus-one.
I'm so sorry. Would you like us to leave?
We could... I don't know
how we're getting out of here, though.
We're... We're out to sea.
Is there an Uber for boats?
- Out... Out of the room, Nick.
- Out of the room?
We can go out of the room, absolutely...
That won't be necessary.
- Okay. So we'll stick around.
- So we stay. Okay.
My nephew, Charles,
who always finds a way
to keep me on my toes.
My friend, the Colonel,
who's kept me safe these many years.
Vikram, whose family fortunes have
always been intertwined with my own.
And my Tobias.
All I ever wanted was a son,
and here you are.
My boy.
I've spoken to all of you
about your position in my will.
I have thought long and hard
about what each of you is truly worth,
and I've come to this conclusion.
You are all leeches.
Blood fat.
Suckling on the tit of my good work
for so many years.
You repulse me.
Can't get this on a bus, baby.
- This is incredible.
- I know it.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Which is why I have drafted a new will.
It states that my entire fortune
goes to Suzi.
From this moment forth,
you are all cut off.
And perhaps,
after I've done you this kindness,
you will finally be able to make
something of yourselves...
on your own.
Apparently, she's had enough of my caviar.
- That was funny.
- Shh.
You could've signed this at home.
Instead, you called us here
to humiliate us?
Yes, and you came running.
Father, don't do this.
Or what?
That's what I thought.
Don't shoot me!
Don't shoot me, please!
You shot him!
I saw someone stab him.
- Who?
- I don't know.
What happened? I heard a scr...
Oh, God!
Has anybody tried to revive him?
He's got a knife plunged in his heart.
I don't think he's revivable.
Should we pull it out?
No. It's a foot-long knife.
It's just like pulling...
Oh, God!
Wow! You should have left the knife in
for the po-po, Colonel, man!
- I'll put it back.
- Don't put it back.
Oh! Will you listen to my husband?
He's a detective.
Yes, yes. What should we do, Mr. Officer?
Well, for starters, let's stop removing
and reinserting the murder weapon
into the victim's chest.
In fact, let's stop
touching the body altogether.
He was gonna take it all away.
For you.
Did he sign it?
We should make sure
he doesn't have another copy on him.
Uh... Mm-mm.
Rifling through the pockets of the corpse
counts as touching, yup.
Sorry to single you out like that,
Ms. Ballard. You're wonderful.
- You look extravagant tonight.
- Okay. What's next?
We have to preserve the crime scene.
Captain Wong, is there any way
you can lock off this place?
Yes, of course.
So we should then start
questioning the suspects.
We're not questioning anybody.
Wong, when you finish locking up here,
you bring me the key.
Then you radio Interpol, tell 'em
we'll meet 'em at the docks in Monaco.
In the meantime, I'm gonna check
the shrimp out a little closer.
For the investigation?
No, Wong, because I'm hungry as shit.
The rest of you, I'd lock yourselves
in your chambers or your yacht rooms
because one of us...
is a murderer.
- Audrey.
- Yeah?
Get the cocktail sauce.
Wait a second. What on earth is on these?
I don't know. This Maurice guy must
breastfeed each shrimp individually.
I mean, they live so well.
- Oh, God, yeah.
- God.
All right. Where were we?
Okay, okay, okay.
You know what? There had to be
two people in on the killing.
Because how could they know
when the lights were gonna go out?
- That's smart, that's smart.
- Right?
I'm tired as hell right now.
I'm gonna go to sleep.
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
You're not jet-lagged?
- Honey, come on, seriously.
- Huh?
Who do you think did it?
I don't think. I know.
It was the son.
- Tobey.
- No.
No way. Not a chance. It's too obvious.
The most obvious suspect
is never, never the killer.
The most obvious suspect
is always the killer.
When a wife gets killed,
90% of the time it was the husband.
Why did you just use that as an example?
And I disagree.
I think people are more complicated
than that.
Judging off of what?
Those books that you read?
People are simple, okay?
It was Tobey.
He had the most to gain,
and he also had the most to lose.
Which is exactly why he's not the killer.
Did you ever fool around on a boat?
Do you know how much fun that could be?
I just lay here
and the boat does all the work.
- That's so convenient for you.
- You know I have a bad back.
So convenient for you.
What about the lights?
Yeah, leave 'em on. I don't care.
Either way. Lady's choice.
Shh! No. Who turned out those lights?
What?! Oh!
Don't look at me like that. I can feel it.
- I'm sorry. Excuse me.
- Will you take the Allegra?
It's the same stuff.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Oh, God.
Enter the brilliant
yet tortured detective,
right on cue.
Mesdames, messieurs.
My name is Inspector Laurent Delacroix.
I will now summon you one by one
to the grand lounge for questioning.
Why is that smoke ring so good?
How did he do that?
Oh, you broke it. You broke it.
Tell me about Malcolm Quince.
He was the most wonderful...
He was the love of my life.
He was a complicated man.
Describe to me what happened.
Yo, Mr. French Policeman, man.
It was mad. Lights went out.
I thought I saw something move,
and I shot.
Finish line.
The old man got what was coming to him.
One-eight-seven, motherfu...
Did anyone touch the body?
And did you notice anything else
out of the ordinary?
- The Americans.
- Yes, number one. Yes.
Aren't you gonna, um...
Aren't you gonna separate us?
- For the interrogation.
- Okay.
Question us separately, see if our...
- What are you doing?
- ...answers match.
What? I'm just saying,
our answers will match
- because we're innocent.
- Yeah, that's right.
There we go.
God, you are really good at that.
We found this in Tobey Quince's suite.
A typewritten suicide note
in which he confesses
to the murder of his father.
- Mm-mm.
- That's not very common.
- Very suspicious.
- Yes.
Yeah, obviously someone is trying
to frame Tobey for his father's murder.
- This is amazing.
- Look how excited she is.
So where's your head at
with this whole thing?
I mean, who are your chief suspects?
- Woo, yes.
- Right, of course,
- 'cause everybody is a suspect.
- Especially her.
This is a group of friends and family
who have known each other for years.
You two show up, and ten hours later,
two of them are dead.
- Yes.
- Absolutely.
- Coincidence.
- Wait. Excuse me.
Are you saying that your theory
is that the two of us conned our way
onto a stranger's boat at the last minute
to commit premeditated murder
that benefits us in no way?
That's your theory?
Perhaps someone paid you to do it.
- No.
- Paid us to do it?
Oh, my gosh. I would love to see that.
Show me that money.
Do you want to see
our bank statements?
We're broke.
Desperate for money. I see.
Now you gave him a motive.
- No, no, no. I know. Just don't...
- We did this because...
- ...take my words out of context.
- We got nothing.
- That's all we got, is nothing.
- No.
Listen, I am talking to you,
detective to detective.
We didn't do this.
- You can see in my eyes. You can tell.
- Mm-mm.
Perhaps I will have
that word with you independently.
I di... Hey!
I can get up.
Hey, okay.
I'll be out in a minute.
I love you.
I'm sorry. She's just excited
because it's...
She reads books, and this is fun for her.
You wish me to believe you're innocent.
Unfortunately, I do not believe liars.
But I'm telling you the truth.
And how long
have you been lying to your wife?
Excuse me?
You did not think that we would
investigate your background,
Sergeant Nicholas Spitz, NYPD?
Failed his detective's exam three times.
You are, how you do say,
cop on the beat,
not detective as you so claim.
So I...
tell people I'm a detective.
That's not a crime.
Impersonating a detective is a crime.
I didn't think it was a crime here.
I thought maybe you guys
had different rules.
That doesn't make us murderers.
A broke, failed man, lying to his wife?
I think it does.
You don't have any evidence.
You can't hold us.
No, but I can hold these.
I believe Mr. Cavendish has provided
accommodations for you
at the Hotel de Savoie,
so you won't be on the street.
But mark my words, Officer Spitz,
I will not rest until I prove
that you committed these murders.
And I...
will rest, because I'm tired as shit,
at that hotel you just said.
It sounds like a good one.
But after I'm well-rested
and I eat breakfast...
hopefully the guy cooks
as good as Maurice...
I will not rest until I prove to you
we have nothing to do with these murders.
Juan Carlos!
Juan Carlos!
Charles said
that everyone's gonna be at this race,
so whoever did this is gonna be there.
We have to figure out who it is.
I know we've gotta figure it out.
This isn't one of your books, sweetheart.
I mean, it's like one of your books,
but this is real.
Like, two people are dead, for real.
- I know.
- There's a real killer on the real loose.
Hey, babe. Relax.
What's... What's wrong with you?
For real? Come on. Will you just focus...
- Fine.
- ...on this with me?
Um, yes. Uh...
Okay. So there are three basic
motives for every murder.
Yes. The first one is money.
Everyone was in Quince's will,
except Suzi.
- Okay.
- All right. The second one is love.
We know nobody loved that guy
'cause he was kind of a prick.
Suzi might have loved him.
- That's what you would think...
- Okay, what's the third one?
- Revenge.
- Right.
That's the one
we should be thinking about.
I'm telling you, if we figure out
who hates this guy the most,
that's our killer.
Okay. Okay.
So, this beard... It's incredible.
Do you oil that or condition?
You won't get anything out of him.
Oh, my gosh.
Most of his life, he's been serving men
like me and Malcolm,
despite being an heir to millions.
He's rich, too?
He's supposed to be,
but he's one of 16 children,
and he's half French.
Are you familiar
with French inheritance law?
Broad strokes.
That Colonel guy,
he's getting on my nerves.
- Yeah.
- Shit. Walking around
- saying you killed both those guys.
- Huh?
- Yeah.
- What?
And I'm like, come on.
- My man wouldn't do...
- Yo. Look, yo. I didn't do nothing, son.
- It doesn't matter what the will says.
- Uh-huh.
The fortune must be divided equally
among the offspring.
Why do the French have such a law?
Well, they do it to keep all Frenchmen
from doing what Malcolm was trying to do,
and leaving everything
to their mistresses.
- My theory is...
- Yeah?
...Juan Carlos done it, man.
What? Why would he do that?
Well, Juan Carlos's dad
used to race for Malcolm.
Malcolm tried to get slick on some
safety angle, and shit got overlooked.
- Yeah?
- Okay.
Juan Carlos's dad lost both his legs, G.
Yeah, straight up.
- Oh.
- Gone.
So it's payback time.
A hundred percent of a doubt.
- Juan Carlos is your man.
- Oh, yeah.
You guarantee that?
Or maybe Sergei could have done it.
- Yeah.
- Okay. So you're not guaranteeing it.
No, not a hundred percent. No.
Oh! Bless you.
Would you like some Allegra?
- I doubt that would be useful.
- I know.
It doesn't work.
I tried to tell that to Nick.
Do you need something?
Uh, no. Mm-mm.
The guy that throws me off the most...
to me, he seems like
he's compensating for something,
with the Great Gatsby look and the jawline
and the "hey, I'm so gorgeous."
Am I right?
There's absolutely nothing wrong
with Charles Cavendish.
- Isn't that the...
- Except...
he probably murdered his uncle.
Well, that's one thing wrong.
...comes to the checkered flag!
It's Juan Carlos!
Winner of this year's
Monte Carlo Grand Prix!
I find that Suzi Nakamura very suspicious.
She's the only one
who didn't have a motive.
- It was Cavendish and you know it.
- You just... No, you just don't like him.
I don't like him. I don't.
I hate his guts, but that's not it.
- Did you just steal all of those?
- He's the sole blood heir.
He stands to make
the biggest claim for the fortune.
I want one of these.
- Malcolm stole his fiance.
- Okay.
That's all three motives.
Money, love, revenge.
We went past it.
I don't know where we are.
We're over here.
Will you please try one of these?
No! Oh, my God. You know what?
I think you just think it's Cavendish
'cause you're jealous of him.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
- I'm jealous of him.
- You are.
What? Why? What am I jealous of?
What is there to be jealous...
He's rich. He's charming.
He smells great.
What do you mean? What's he smell like?
He smells like
he just came out of the dryer.
What the... What the...
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
We should test that
for fingerprints first.
Okay. Do you have
the fingerprint testing kit?
- What?
- 'Cause I didn't pack mine.
Is it in your bag?
Stop it! Come on.
Oh, this is so crazy.
Oh, God. Seriously?
Oh, got it.
Will you please
just go see a chiropractor?
It's gonna be fine.
"Come to suite 802."
Dum, dum, dum
- We have to go to 802.
- We're not going to 802. Stop!
- Why?
- It's a trap.
Why wouldn't whoever just knocked
just come in and talk to us?
Maybe he's being watched by the killer.
What if we're being watched by the killer?
What if he was in here?
Maybe he stole my Peanut M&Ms.
I stole your Peanut M&Ms.
You stole my Peanut M&Ms?
- I wanted to see if they tasted the same!
- You got to stop eating.
You're gonna gain it all back.
I'm going to 802. Are you coming with me?
Okay, wait. Let me just...
- What?
- ...figure something out.
God damn.
- What are you doing?
- It's a weapon.
That's a lamp.
Not when I crack someone
over the head with it.
Will you stop questioning everything I do.
Well, everything you do is questionable.
That's 808.
Note sender?
You told us to come to 802. Are you there?
Are you dead?
He might be in the bathroom.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Sit on the bed.
You speak... I thought you didn't speak.
Shut up. Sit on the bed.
- I'm sitting!
- Shut up. Sit down.
We're gonna sit in front of the bed.
All good.
I cannot keep his secrets anymore.
You mean the Colonel's, right?
The Colonel's secrets?
I know, it's so hard to keep secrets.
It really is.
You know, I have a friend named Gwen,
and she has a box
that she keeps under her bed...
Look, don't give me that hairdresser shit.
Just shut up. Listen.
Copenhagen, 1994.
We were leaving a state dinner.
I did not see the bomber,
but the Colonel did.
He threw his body across Mr. Quince.
He was hero.
For nine months,
the Colonel lay in a coma.
And when he awoke,
he find his eye
is not the only thing he lost.
They blew off his dick.
I knew it. I knew it.
- His hand. His hand, honey.
- The dick. He's saying the dick.
- No, no, no.
- He doesn't have a hand!
- I'm no talk about dick!
- All right.
I talk about her.
- Me?
- Her?
No, no, no.
The most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
She was the Colonel's fiance
when the bomb exploded.
And when he awoke...
she was Mr. Quince's wife.
What the hell is with this guy?
- What, honestly, is his problem?
- Can he get his own woman maybe once?
And then she died.
In childbirth.
- No!
- Damn.
The child died, too. A boy.
A boy who would have inherited it all.
After that, the Colonel never mentioned
Madeleine again,
except for one night.
On the anniversary of her death,
he came to me, he was drinking. He say...
He's doing impressions now.
"If you were to kill this Mr. Quince,
how would you do it?"
And I say,
"Find isolated place,
create confusion,
make sure there are others with motive."
I told him how to kill the man!
- Holy shit! This is incredible!
- Thank you.
Okay. So the Colonel killed Malcolm
and Tobey over lost love.
- Got it. Perfect.
- This is insane.
Will you just say
all of that one more time,
but can you say it from the top?
- I've gotta do a voice memo.
- She screws this up a lot.
- Just ask Siri.
- Swipe it up.
- Swipe it up.
- I did swipe up.
Say, "Siri,
I would like to make voice memo."
Get into wardrobe. You are in danger.
- Get in the wardrobe, you said?
- You are in danger. Right now.
- Quickly.
- Jesus. I don't know... Ow!
And whatever you hear,
do not come out till I say so.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes.
You. What do you want?
No, they're not here. You should go.
Where's the lamp?
- I left it outside.
- Why isn't it in here?
- Now you like the lamp? You're ridiculous.
- Well, we needed...
- Let me open the door.
- Wait, wait, wait!
Oh, thank God.
Oh, God, no! No, no, no!
Oh, my God!
Is he dead? Is he dead?
He's dead!
Do we call housekeeping?
Oh! Honey!
Oh, my God!
Lock the door!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God.
Go! Out of the window!
What are you doing?
Okay, there's a ledge.
That's not a ledge, that's an edge!
- Here we go.
- Oh, my God.
I gotcha, a hundred percent.
A hundred percent. Slow.
- Oh, right there.
- No! Oh, God.
Come on.
- Don't even look down.
- Oh!
- Don't look down.
- Oh, my God!
- Told you not to look down.
- It's so far.
Oh, my God.
He flosses angrier than you!
We got an empty room. Jackpot.
- Okay, we're gonna get up on this letter.
- Okay.
Ready? Go.
Oh, my God!
- You okay? Come on.
- That was the scariest thing.
- We gotta go. All right. I love you.
- Oh, my God.
- I love you. I'm so scared.
- Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Uh... What's in here? Uh...
No, you're not going back out there.
- Oh, yes! Finally!
- Come here.
- Kiss me, Vik.
- Oh!
Oh, kiss me. Kiss me here.
- Where?
- Here.
- God, I love it. Quick, get me to the bed.
- Jesus Christ.
- Get up.
- Yes!
I'm gonna drink you up
like a milkshake without a straw!
Yeah. Wow!
- That's right.
- Vanilla milkshake!
Vanilla, chocolate, whatever!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Here we go!
- Wow!
Yeah! I hope the hotel's
got insurance for these springs
'cause I'm gonna bust this bed up.
Oh, my God!
- You're much stronger than you look, Vik!
- That's right!
- You ready for this?
- I don't know if I am!
Oh, Grace!
- Grace! Oh, Grace!
- Huh? Why do you keep saying Grace?
Darling, it's the only thing
that gets me in the mood.
You look so good for your age!
- So good for your age! Oh, God!
- Your skin is beautiful!
- You have no wrinkles...
- No wrinkles any...
Oh, my God! Grace, you're so...
Oh, God!
- Uh-oh.
- Vik.
What happened?
Maybe we should,
like, conversate a little bit.
Get to know each other. Know what I mean?
Like, eye to eye, really connect.
Tell me about your favorite band.
I'm going to the casino.
Maybe I'll get lucky there.
Look, look, look!
Please don't tell anybody about this
'cause I've got some mad sex cred
in these parts, yeah.
My people know me.
I'll buy you a hat!
I can't believe this just happened.
Okay, okay.
All right. We gotta calm down.
- This has been a really weird day, huh?
- Yeah.
Okay. Let's just get out of this place.
Someplace with beer though, please.
"I'll go buy you a hat."
Sergei was trying to tell us
the Colonel did it,
but then he gets shot.
There's no way the Colonel shot him
'cause the Colonel was having
a floss party.
Did you see how crazy he was going
with the teeth flossing?
- I did.
- What did he have in there? A buffet?
- Um...
- Oh, my gosh.
- What's he saying?
- I don't know.
Well, you took French in high school,
didn't you?
I don't remember high school!
What did you take in high school?
- Latin.
- Oh, great. Who takes freakin' Latin?
- People who have a hot Latin teacher.
- Shh!
Okay, so something, something...
Something cake. Something's frosted.
Okay. You're fired. You're fired.
- Okay, I told you...
- Excuse me, sir.
Could you translate that for us, please?
S'il vous plat?
Uh, the TV says that, uh...
you are the most wanted... for...
for meurtre.
- No, no, no.
- Okay, no, no. We...
This is a complete misunderstanding, okay?
We were just around...
- We saw...
- ...a lot of people that happened to die,
but we didn't murt.
You are to be arrested at first sight.
- Us?
- So, here's what we do.
What are you talking about?
What are you doing?
They can't track our SIM card now.
Yeah, then pull the SIM card out.
You don't just submerge our phones
into a bucket of beer.
Now... Now he's saying
that madame is hairdresser,
you are, uh... police officer?
No, he's... he's a detective.
Ah. No, he's not.
- Yes, he is.
- Yes, I am! Yes, I am!
No, no, no.
He says that you have, uh, confessed
to lying about that you are detective.
What? No. Now he's making stuff up.
TV says you have failed
your detective exam many, many times.
All right! Enough translato. That's not...
You're just improvising, pal,
and it's getting weird.
What... What is he talking about?
I will repeat this message
in English.
Nick Spitz...
is many things,
but not a detective.
Well, I heard that.
I will repeat this message
in Spanish.
Did you lie to me?
I didn't... I didn't lie.
- The guy... The guy was...
- Oh, God. No, no, no.
Whoa. Hey.
- No.
- Hun, hun, hun.
This whole thing's just...
just very complicated.
Complicated, yeah.
I thought people were simple.
Audrey, please.
What? Did you lie
about getting that raise, too?
How are we affording this trip?
You made me feel like
I had to take you on this honeymoon.
You told me
you already booked this honeymoon.
You gave this to me.
This was my anniversary gift.
- Okay.
- You lied about that, too?
We'll get into all that, okay?
But right now, I gotta figure out
how we're gonna get out of this situation.
You have to figure this out?
What do you think I've been doing?
This is what I do for a living,
You're a goddamn hairdresser!
- I'm sorry.
- Whoa.
- Where you going?
- I need a minute.
We don't have a minute!
Just leave me alone. Don't you follow me.
You need to get out
of Monte Carlo right away.
I got you into this,
I'll help get you out. Come with me.
- Now! We have to go.
- Right.
- Lake Como, back roads.
- Yes, sir.
- Where's Nick?
- I don't know. I don't care.
Jimmy boy, it's Nick.
Where are you?
You guys are all over the news.
They say you killed three people.
Do you think that's possible?
With your aim? Hell, no.
Exactly. Now I'm gonna text you
two international numbers.
Can you link them together
so I can follow one from the other?
Are you trying to get my ass fired?
But hell, yeah.
Thank you.
There's one more thing
I want you to check into for me.
What are we doing?
I just have to dash in
for a quick appointment with my lawyer.
We're going to read Malcolm's will
at the villa later on,
and I'm going to get what's mine.
Charles, that just sounded
very suspicious.
What about this week doesn't?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Claritin.
This is Japanese Claritin.
- Ow!
- God!
- Ow!
- What the...
What the...
What are you doing here?
I followed Suzi here.
- Suzi's here?
- Yes.
Okay, Cavendish came here to find Suzi.
I'm telling you, Cavendish is in on this.
I know. I knew that!
Okay. I just found
a box of Japanese Claritin
in the back of Cavendish's limo.
So what? They were planning this
the whole damn time?
The whole time. This was their plan.
- So they kill Malcolm, they kill Tobey...
- Yeah.
...before Malcolm has time
to sign the new will.
- Right.
- That way, Cavendish inherits everything.
And he splits it with Suzi.
And if they killed him after,
then Suzi would have inherited.
- They still would have split that.
- It was a win-win.
Oh, look at that.
Who figured that whole thing out?
The hairdresser. Mm-mm. The hairdresser.
I got you!
Jesus! Oh, my God.
It's just like Death at the Library!
What happens in Death at the Library?
They died. That's why it's called
Death at the Library.
Nick, what are you doing?
We are going to push this over
on the count of three,
- and then we're gonna run.
- We're gonna what?
- Don't you trust me?
- No!
Ready? One!
Oh, look! There!
Oh! Sorry! Oh, my gosh. I am so sorry.
Come on.
- Is that...
- Is that Juan Carlos?
- Juan Carlos!
- Hey!
- Juan Carlos!
- How am I?
- No, no. Suzi! Suzi!
- Suzi! Suzi! Which way is Suzi?
- Married to Malcolm.
- You two married! Good!
- No!
- No!
Suzi vidisti?
Putamus esse illa interfectorem.
- Yes!
- Latin, baby!
- Still the international language!
- I got it!
- Oh!
- Yeah!
Where'd she go?
She was right there.
You should have never come to Lake Como.
- Wait a minute.
- We know about you and Cavendish.
- You know nothing.
- We know you're still in love,
and we know that love is tough
without money.
Isn't it, Suzi?
I'll take your word for it.
You're the one whose shoes
still got a sticker from Marshalls on it.
- They have name brands now!
- How dare you?
- They have name brands now!
- How dare you?
- What?
- These are from Target.
- How could you not tell me?
- I don't look at your...
Shut up!
- Oh!
- Suzi, don't. Please, don't do this.
No matter what you do,
you're not gonna be safe. I'm telling you.
One murderer always double-crosses
the other murderer.
- She reads the books.
- It's just a clich of the genre!
I'm telling you!
Hey! Halloween!
No, no, no! Oh, my God!
Go, go, go!
Cavendish, you move,
I'll blow your head off!
Shoot at him!
Oh, babe, you're the worst shot!
Those were warning shots, honey!
- Oh, yes! I go fast!
- Go!
Ambulance! Emergencia!
Okay, Suzi.
You've gotta tell me who did this.
Slow down. Don't use your words.
Let's charade it, okay.
Just tell me with your hand.
Uh, claw. Bear claw.
No. Grizzly bear claw.
Oh! Chewy. Chewy.
So it's Sergei? No, Sergei's dead.
Have you got tires on your feet? Good God!
Spooning. Eating. Uh...
Ice cream. No, no. Gelato. Gelato?
Oh, God. It's amazing how pretty
you are when you're... I'm sorry.
Hey! Come on!
Oh, shoot!
Crazy... crazy... Crazy mad love!
It's crazy 'cause you're madly in love
with Cavendish.
It's Cavendish, no?
Sleeping With the Ene...
You're not sleeping.
- She's dead now?
- I don't know why this keeps happening!
Let's go!
We gotta get out of here.
- Oh, my God. Come on.
- Where?
Close the airports! Search house to house!
As God as my witness,
I will find Nick and Audrey Spitz.
- Inspector?
- Yes?
I have Nick and Audrey Spitz
on the phone for you.
- Huh?
- Nick and Audrey Spitz.
Where are you?
We are on our way
to Quince's villa right now.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry, I wasn't prepared
for you to actually answer that.
We are being framed right now.
You meet us at the villa,
we will reveal the killer.
That kinda rhymed.
Which is cool, I think.
- Look at this place.
- Let's go.
- Oh, my God.
- This is big.
This is a big house.
This is what they call rich people shit.
Lord Cavendish is expecting us.
Second floor, eighth door on the left.
Yes, that's right.
That's what he told us, yeah.
Okay, so take a five-spotter.
Your five euros is how much American-wise?
Six American dollars.
Oh, that's, uh... that's more than I...
- Can I get a half a euro back...
- Oh, God. Please, Nick. Thank you.
I didn't know they were ahead of us
with the money.
- Second floor...
- I got no bullets left,
so we'll bluff 'em
until Interpol gets here.
Honey, you just gotta be careful.
This guy has killed four people,
that we know of.
Good news is, we know who did it.
- Okay.
- Hard part is over with.
What's up, Dish?
Stay still!
I'll shoot you right in the six-pack!
- You hear me, bitch?
- Calm down, babe.
Make a move! I dare you!
I dare...
Oh, my God!
- He's dead.
- He's dead.
- Okay, he's dead.
- Oh, my God.
- What the hell?
- Oh, God. Case reopened, babe.
They must have poisoned his drink!
- Nick!
- And look at his face. It's...
I mean, besides the foaming mouth,
he still kinda looks good.
What is with this man?
We told the police. We called the police.
We told 'em to come here.
- Yes.
- We've got to stop them.
It's not like canceling a pizza, honey.
You tell 'em to show up, they show up.
If he's not the killer, who is the killer?
And if we don't know who the killer is
before they get here, we're screwed!
Do you understand this?
He's gotta be here in this house.
This is gorgeous wallpaper.
Is that fabric? Is this embossed?
Sweetheart, you're losing it!
You're making me nuts right now!
No, I know. Hold on. Okay.
All right, it's good.
You all right? You breathing?
- I have to breathe through this.
- Look at me.
- We gotta turn ourselves in.
- Wait, what?
They're all gonna show up.
If we run, they're gonna shoot us.
What do you mean?
We're gonna just go to jail?
It's better than getting shot, ain't it?
I don't feel... I don't feel good.
- Babe.
- Oh, God.
It's an Italian prison.
You know the food's gonna be incredible.
We'll have meatballs
and pesto sauce and all that.
It's not co-ed, honey. All right?
We're... We're not gonna be
in jail together.
I know.
Why did you lie to me?
'Cause I was...
I was, uh... I was embarrassed.
With me?
Why? I...
I could've helped you figure that out.
That's why we're together.
I know.
Remember when I couldn't pay
my rent at the salon,
and then you were like, "Oh, okay."
You got that boot off my landlord's car.
- That got me another week.
- Yeah, I remember.
Remember when your cholesterol
was through the roof?
And then I made you eat egg whites?
You hate egg whites.
And I made you do it,
and I did it with you.
You helped me not miss yolks anymore.
That's right. That's what we do.
We do things together.
So can we please
just figure this out, too?
We just don't know who did it.
But Nick, we know who didn't do it.
- All right?
- Right.
So let's just go downstairs
and act like we figured it out.
If we're gonna do that, we gotta...
we just gotta look confident.
All right. If we're gonna look confident,
we've gotta dress it.
I already know what I wanna wear.
What's up, fools?
Okay, we solved the case. Boom.
Yo, yo! Where'd you get the clothes?
It's a little much.
I found this beautiful dress
in a random closet.
- You're looking gorgeous, by the way.
- Thanks, baby.
- And he got this stunning tux...
- Mm-hmm. a...
Oh, why candy-coat it?
- A corpse.
- Yeah.
There's another corpse?
Jeez! Sorry, yes.
Upstairs, eighth door on the left.
To whom does this dead corpse belong?
Oh, yeah. You guys don't know.
- Bad news, guys.
- It's terrible.
Cavendish is dead.
You stole the tux off Charlie's dead body?
And it fits perfectly.
Little tight in the crotch, to be honest.
Just kidding. No, he's got me beat.
He's got me beat.
Wait. Where's Suzi?
- She's dead.
- Dead.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
Y'all are like the miniature
Manson Family!
- No, no, no.
- Nick and Audrey Spitz,
- you are under arrest.
- Listen.
Ferme la bouche. Is that what it is?
- Just give us a second. We got this.
- We got this. Let's go.
Thank you.
All right. Ladies and gentlemen,
let's review the facts.
Malcolm Quince,
he was the first to get murdered.
We all assumed it was Tobey.
- No, we all assumed you did it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Yeah, but Tobey hated his father,
and he stood to inherit
billions of dollars.
- Until he caught some lead to the dome.
- Mm-hmm.
- Can you feel me, Raja?
- Pew-pew-pew!
- There it is.
- And then,
before Sergei was shot,
he told us that the Colonel did it.
He told you what?
But we know you didn't do it, Colonel,
because we saw you flossing your teeth
when we were shimmying
by your window that night.
You two were spying on me in my bathroom?
Trust me, I did... We saw a lot of shit
that night that I did not want to see.
I mean, apologize ahead of time.
We had to see you guys having sex.
You, um...
You... saw that?
Maharajah, some advice for you.
Maybe grab the bottom and squeeze.
Huh. Word.
French fries. Yes.
Actually, Juan Carlos,
you had nothing to do with this.
You couldn't have had anything
to do with it
because you were with us
when Suzi got killed.
- So it wasn't you.
- Mm-mm.
- It wasn't you.
- Mm-mm.
- It wasn't you.
- No.
It wasn't you.
Holy shit! Maybe we did do it.
- What?
- Did you?
- Because listen...
- What did you just say to me?
- I'm just messing around.
- There it is.
- And he's clapping.
- Going to jail. Thanks, babe.
I'm glad we finally
are all on the same page.
Now, since the first murder occurred
in French territorial waters,
I will be taking you to Paris
to be arraigned and tried.
At least we're going to Paris.
You always wanted to go.
Honey, if you keep making jokes
at a time like this,
it's not gonna make this go away.
Lucky for you, since 1977,
there has been no death penalty
under French law.
French law.
French law.
The French law. Yeah.
Surely, Inspector, you of all people
are familiar
with the French inheritance law.
Are you implying I have bastard children?
Well, I wasn't.
Because I do.
I was surprised you knew about them.
I love those little bastards.
Okay. Anyway, um,
the French law states that a man's estate
must be divided equally
amongst his children.
So it wouldn't matter what the will said.
Straight up, Maharajah.
The kids were gonna get the money,
whether the old man married Suzi or not.
But both of Malcolm's children are dead.
- Both?
- Yes. Tobey,
and the son he had
with Madeleine LeBoutillier..
That boy died at childbirth.
Did he, Colonel?
I spoke to my partner in New York City.
I said, get the death certificates
for Madeleine and the son.
He could only find one for Madeleine.
But then I started thinking,
maybe there's no death certificate
because there was no death.
Nonsense. Malcolm desperately wanted a boy
to sire the next generation of Quinces.
He would never abandon a son.
what if it was a daughter?
- Yes!
- What if it was a daughter?
The love of his life dies,
dies giving birth
to his unwanted daughter.
- Yes!
- It almost makes sense.
- It does! It kinda does!
- It makes total sense.
He gave her away.
Then where is she now?
Well, she could be anywhere.
She could have got married.
She could've joined a gang,
changed her name. Who knows? Carry on.
- Changed her name.
- Ah!
- You changed your name.
- Yes.
Your real last name isn't Ballard.
Lots of artists change their names.
Lady Gaga's real name isn't Lady Gaga.
Yes, Lady Gaga. "Paparazzi," yes, good.
But every Grace Ballard superfan knows
your first movie was Summer Wetdown.
You had three lines,
and you went by your birth name,
Grace Butler.
Which, en franais,
roughly translates to LeBoutillier.
Madeleine LeBoutillier, your mother.
This is a joke.
I wasn't even in the room
when Malcolm Quince was murdered.
Fine! Then Tobey killed him,
but he did it with a little help.
The lights. You turned out the lights.
You convinced Tobey to kill Malcolm
so you could split the money with him.
And then you killed Tobey
so that you could just keep all of it.
Then me and this girl
started asking too many questions.
So you had to get rid of us.
Luckily, not for him,
but Sergei gets in the way.
Then you seduce the Maharajah
so that you would make us think
you were with him all night.
Yo, you were just twizzlin'
on my wizzle for an alibi.
Girl, that's cold.
You tried to kill us in the library.
You tried to kill us in the market,
but you got Suzi instead.
- And the weapon...
- Hm!
- I recognize the weapon now.
- The dart?
It was a movie. I watched it one night.
You were out with your friends.
You came back drunk and, uh...
What the hell was it?
Princess Blow Dart.
Oh, God.
That is not the name of a movie.
It is! It is!
Yo, look at my screensaver.
- That's her!
- Oh, my gosh!
So then you killed Charles
because you knew he would never rest
until he found out who Suzi's killer was.
'Cause he loved Suzi, not you!
The three motives:
money, love, revenge.
You were the mastermind
behind Malcolm Quince's murders,
weren't you?
- And you were the one who framed us.
- You killed them all, didn't you?
Didn't you?
My father was a monster.
So you admit it?
I am the daughter of Malcolm Quince
and Madeleine LeBoutillier,
and sole heir to the Quince fortune.
Uh, and... what about the murders?
Oh, I didn't do those.
But it couldn't have happened
to a nicer group of people.
what other proof do you have?
- Of what?
- Proof of what?
That she killed everybody?
Aren't you gonna do anything at all?
I mean, is there a French holiday
we're unaware of?
What the hell do you do?
I don't know
how you do things in Brooklyn,
but here we need evidence
to make an arrest.
This is not
how this is supposed to happen.
The detective is supposed to explain
the murders, which we just did,
and then the killer is supposed to crack
and freak out under pressure and admit it!
If there's nothing else,
I'd like to start spending my money now.
The hat. The hat! Uh, take off your hat.
I said take off your hat.
The Maharajah bought me this hat,
and I quite like it.
Nick hit the killer in the head
with a plate.
And it left a mark, didn't it?
why on earth would you put a hat
on a freshly styled head of hair?
How would you know
my hair's been freshly styled?
'Cause she's a goddamn hairdresser.
Please remove your hat, Ms. Butler.
I'll do nothing of the kind.
The butler did it. Grace Butler did it!
Grace But... Right?
- I said it on the plane.
- You had to do it!
- Stay back!
- Jesus!
- Oh, my God!
- Son of a bitch.
- Wait! No, no.
- Whoa!
Nobody move!
Nobody move, or I'll shoot her.
Guns down. Baissez vos armes.
Get an ambulance.
Yo, I thought you said
he was a terrible shot.
Not when it comes to saving my woman.
I was aiming for her foot, by the way.
All right. It's all right.
Thank you for stepping in
and trying to stop her, Juan Carlos.
That was so brave.
De nada, seora.
I love that. I love that he's brave
and I'm, what, nothing?
- Are you kidding? I said you were brave.
- You didn't say it.
I said so many times.
"Nick, you were so brave."
De nada, seora. Halloween.
Yo, I got a question.
In the hotel in Monte Carlo,
you said that you saw
me and Grace together.
- We heard you.
- We heard you.
We didn't like what we heard,
but I'll tell...
- I'm sorry.
- I hope those are new pants, by the way.
Yeah, but...
But the truth is,
Grace and I were together in the bar
an hour before we got to our room,
so how could she have killed Sergei
if she was with me?
How did Juan Carlos understand
my English just now?
No! No!
Don't come any closer!
Aah! He speaks English!
I've spoken English my whole life,
you idiots,
and a dozen other languages.
And by the way, your Latin sucks.
You understood it!
Don't you even think about it, Colonel,
or I will shoot your dick off.
Put your hands up in the air, now.
I am the one who told her
to convince Tobey to kill his dad,
destroy this sick family
in the name of my father.
Get into the car.
Go in!
Back off!
I go fast.
Look at that! A Ferrari!
- What?
- Testarossa!
Magnum P.I.! Me, baby!
I got the mustache!
Nick, you forgot the gun!
This is incredible!
This is a fantasy for everybody!
How does it open?
Underneath! Pull! Pull! Come on!
Oh, my God.
What the...
- Are you kidding me?
- I'm so sorry! I don't know what to say!
Go, go, go!
- Put your hands up. Hands up!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
All I'm saying is,
when the engine sounds like
your sister's voice...
irritating, high, and loud...
you gotta switch gears.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Look how nice you handle this thing!
I'm gonna take you down
Down, down, down...
Hey! Hey!
- Honey, he's right up there.
- I see him.
I'm gonna pull it, pull it
Pull the trigger
Shoot to thrill
Play to kill
Too many women...
Shoot to thrill
Play to kill
I got my gun at the ready
Gonna fire at will, yeah
I'm like evil
I get under your skin...
Yeah! Baby, nice. Nice! Nice turn!
Look at you! Look at you!
Keep going. Keep after him.
Keep after him. Keep going.
Goat! Goat! Goat!
Holy cow!
Do you have any idea
how gorgeous you look?
Wait! Second goat! What the hell?
- Do you not like goats or something?
- I love them!
Oh, shit.
Shoot to thrill
Play to kill
Too many women with too many pills...
Keep going, baby. Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go!
- Holy shit!
- Oh, God!
- We gotta pit him, honey.
- I gotta what him?
What you do is you hit the back bumper
and he'll just spin out.
- I can't do that. I can't...
- You got this.
I can't. He's a Formula 1 race car driver!
Faster! Come on!
This is our adventure.
Go for it.
I can do this. I love you. That was sweet.
Okay, here we go.
Shoot you
Shoot you
He didn't spin. He didn't spin.
We just gotta take him out.
- Take him out!
- Here we go.
Floor it! Floor it!
Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!
Hit the brakes!
Do you have any idea how cool you are?
- Happy anniversary, baby!
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna go get that guy out of the car.
- Go get him.
I love you.
- I love you.
- Oh, my God.
Let's go. Let's go.
I got you. Come on.
All right.
I'm so sick of you, cop!
You should have never come here!
You should have just stayed home,
eating hot dogs,
reading People magazine,
and watching reality TV.
You know, that was our...
That was our tour bus!
No toilets, no Wi-Fi,
and you're running over people?
- Brittany's hogging the window seat!
- I want to see the dead guy!
Just sit down and shut up!
I'm gonna take a picture!
- All right. I love you.
- Oh, my God, this guy...
- We gotta ask 'em how they age ham.
- I don't care!
Come on!
Do you love me too...
On behalf of Interpol,
I thank you, Mrs. Spitz.
You are as brilliant as you are beautiful.
Oh, my gosh.
Well, thank you for that.
- And Officer Spitz.
- I go, what? What?
It seems you are quite the detective
after all.
- You are!
- With this girl, yes.
Something I will be passing along
to your superiors in New York.
That would be big.
I have to tell you, I think
this entire experience was pretty great.
- Incredible.
- Yeah.
Outside of the murders,
it was on the money.
Well, I hope the rest of your trip,
which we have arranged for you,
is more relaxing.
- Bon voyage.
- Well, thank you.
You owe that to us,
but thank you so much.
You ever come to New York, you look us up.
We'll pin, uh, a triple homicide on you
or a kidnapping or something.
- Thank you. Okay.
- Thank you so much.
Good to meet you. All right. Be safe.
- Good anniversary, right?
- Amazing anniversary.
- Kind of... Kind of a cool one.
- Loved it!
What did you get me, by the way,
for a present?
What? Oh, uh...
I got you the Amazon gift card.
- You did?
- No, I didn't get you anything.
You will see
You and me shall always be as one
See what happiness has done
We must be in love
We must be in love
I sigh
I don't know why
I sigh
Is it that I'm lonely for you?
Are you lonely for me too?
We must be in love
Let me tell you now
I miss your tender kiss
Your tender kiss is what I miss
I have a strange desire
For your lips of fire
We must be in love
Do you love me too...