My Blue Heaven (1990) Movie Script
When whippoorwills call
And evening is nigh
I hurry to my
Blue
Heaven
You turn to the right
You find a little
bright light
That leads you to my
Blue
Heaven
You'll find
a cozy place
A fireplace
A cozy room
A little nest
That nestles
where the roses bloom
Just Molly and me
And baby makes three
Be happy in my
Blue
Heaven
When whippoorwills call
And evening is nigh
I hurry to my
Blue
Heaven
You turn to the right
You find a little
bright light
That leads you to my
Blue
Heaven
You'll find
a cozy place
A fireplace
A cozy room
A little nest
That nestles
where the roses bloom
Just Molly and me
And baby makes three
Be happy in my
Blue
Heaven
Good morning.
Watch your back.
All right. I see it.
Ma'am.
This for
the living room?
Yeah.
This is one
of the nicest houses
we've ever moved
anyone like you into.
It's got gas heat,
air conditioned,
harvest gold fixtures
in the kitchen.
If you like that
kind of thing.
Hey, Linda,
what do you think?
I always promised
you a nice house.
Let's not get
carried away, Vinnie.
It's going to
be a lot easier
if you two start
calling each other
Terry and Tod.
It's a nice
house, Terry. Okay?
You're Terry.
He's Tod.
Wait for me.
Let's take
a look inside.
Come on.
I'll need your
social security number
so I can process
your payment.
My what?
Your social
security number
so we can
pay you.
5-dash.
9-dash.
2, 5.
2...
That's one too
many numbers.
Take off the 5.
If you have
any problems,
call my office
in San Diego.
They always
know where I am.
Truth is, I'm usually there.
We'll let you know
when we're going
to New York to testify.
Great. great.
Thanks for
everything.
You'll like it here.
I'd live here if
my wife didn't...
Hate it. Right?
No, no, no.
Take my word.
She'd hate it.
She has
to be near town
because she works
with athletes.
If you ever want
baseball tickets,
give me a call.
Great. baseball.
The padres play the mets
every so often.
Though you might
be Yankees fans.
Most organized
crime people are.
I love the Yankees.
Linda loves the Yankees.
So does Terry.
Who's Terry?
You are.
If you have questions,
give me a call.
Thanks. I really
appreciate it.
This is my job.
I get paid.
You don't tip
FBI men.
Sure, you do.
Yo, Frankie.
You think this
guy's for--hey!
There's a 4:00 nonstop
out of here.
You really going
back to New York?
You'll find
another wife.
I know.
I could've pulled
out months ago.
You wouldn't have
gotten the house
or the extra
allowance.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Next time
I see you,
you'll be eating
white bread.
It's not bad
with egg salad.
It's better
than the slammer.
Keep telling yourself
that, sweetheart.
You might believe it
after a while.
Stay out of my purse
while I'm on the phone.
I wasn't in
your purse.
Yes, you were!
You're always
accusing me.
Put the visa card back
in my purse, Vinnie.
I'd like a cab at--
what the frig is
the address here?
How should I know?
Number 1 happy street.
You know what
the guy tried to do?
No idea. I haven't met
a criminal in years.
He tried to tip me.
How much?
$100.
$100?
That's not the point.
He proffered
a gratuity.
It's against protocol.
I can't accept that.
Task completed,
Coopersmith?
Yes, sir.
This isn't going to take
a lot of my time.
This guy is living in
the middle of nowhere.
Is there anything else
I could take on, sir?
Coopersmith,
this is an important
government witness.
When you've delivered him
to his court appearances,
then we'll talk
about something else.
Not before.
Very good, sir.
Back to the dangerous
world of FHA fraud.
I don't want to fill
out any more forms.
I want to go undercover.
I want to stake out
some son of a bitch
and eat a lot
of takeout food.
I want to wear
a windbreaker.
Once, when
I was undercover,
I got to drive a BMW.
I know.
I can't help it.
It was the high point
of my life.
I'm getting back
into undercover work.
Forget it, Kirby.
It's against regulations.
There's overtime.
You can't catch
criminals in the FBI
if there's overtime
involved.
Something
could change.
Things change.
Yeah. right.
This is San Diego
all sports radio.
We're talking about
last night's game.
Another loss
by the home team.
The pads lost in
the ninth
when Wally Bunting walked
in the winning run.
What are we going
to do about Wally?
Barney.
Wally. too bad.
Could've happened
to anybody, right?
Yeah. I guess so.
Relief pitching.
It's a high risk
occupation.
Anybody could blow
a 7-run lead.
Whatever.
They're
sending me down.
To the minors?
Wichita.
I'm sorry, Wally.
I'm going to miss you.
Margaret will
miss you, too.
I mean, therapists
aren't supposed to say
that they'll miss
their patients.
So, how do I know?
This is the second
relief pitcher
she's lost to
the minors this season.
I'm going, too, Barney.
Where?
To Wichita.
Why would you
go to Wichita?
How old are you?
I'm sorry, Barney,
but it's just
no fun here.
You're no fun.
What do you mean?
You get the oil changed
on the second Tuesday,
you get the car washed
on the fourth Thursday.
Your hair cut on
the 11th of the month.
You never ever get
a different cut.
Look at how you
eat pancakes.
What's wrong
with it?
How does
he eat pancakes?
He has a system
for eating pancakes.
So the bottom
pancake
gets as much syrup
as the top one.
He has a system
for everything.
Wally.
The losing streak now
stands at four in a row.
KBAJ now ends
its broadcast day.
The score again--
L.A. 5, San Diego 3.
Take my hand
I'm a stranger
in paradise
All lost
in a wonderland
A stranger
in paradise
If I stand
starry-eyed
That's a danger
in paradise
For mortals
who stand beside
An angel like you
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Have a nice day.
Good morning, sir.
Would you like to try
a vanilla bran
oat crunchie?
What do you think?
Thoom, thoom,
thoom, thoom
Thoom, thoom,
thoom, thoom...
Have a nice day.
Fuck you!
Ooh-wah, ooh-wah,
cool, cool kitty
Tell us about the boy
from New York City
Ooh-wah, ooh-wah,
come on, kitty
Tell us about the boy
from New York City
He's kinda tall
He's really fine
Yeah, yeah
Some day I hope to make
him mine, all mine
Yeah, yeah
And he's neat
And oh, so sweet
And just the way
he looked at me
It swept me
off my feet
Yeah, yeah
Ooh-wee
You ought
to come and see
How he walks
Yeah, yeah
And how he talks
Yeah, yeah
Ooh-wah, ooh-wah
cool, cool kitty
Tell us about the boy
from New York City
He's really down
And he's no clown
Yeah, yeah
He has
the finest penthouse
I've ever seen
in town
Yeah, yeah
And he's cute
In his
mohair suit...
That'll be $12.36.
And he keeps
his pockets
Full of spending
loot...
Wow! a hundred.
Ooh-wah, ooh-wah,
come on kitty
Tell us about the boy
from New York City...
Excuse me, sir.
I hope you had
a very pleasant
shopping experience.
Yeah.
Good!
Here's a form for
our suggestion box.
If there's
anything you want
that we don't have,
just let us know.
Arugula.
I haven't had arugula
in six weeks.
What's that?
It's a vegetable.
Car 274 to headquarters.
Car 274 to headquarters.
Male subject apprehended
driving stolen green Chrysler.
Hannah, we've got
a grand theft
auto for you.
Let me at him.
He makes the hairs on
the back of my neck
stand up.
On the back
of your neck?
Yes.
That has never
happened to me.
I've never been
interested in anyone,
unless I know...
He's a college
graduate.
Yes.
OK, that probably seems
quite comical to you.
Fine.
suit yourself.
I did...And look
where it got me.
Tod Wilkinson,
I'm Hannah Stubbs.
I'm the assistant
district attorney.
How you
two girls doing?
What robbery?
I borrowed
a guy's car.
He gave you the keys.
Is that correct?
He was supposed to
leave them in the car.
But he didn't.
Right.
If he'd left them,
I wouldn't have had
to jump-start it.
How do you know
how to do that?
I learned it
in the army.
I was in the motor pool,
and everyone
lost their keys.
The entire United States
army wouldn't have moved
if I hadn't
jump-started it.
And it came in handy
on several occasions--
jump-starting ambulances
in order to get invalids
to the dialysis
machines.
What was
the name of, um...
What was his name?
Eddie.
Eddie what?
I don't know.
He drives a blue Nova.
You weren't
in a blue Nova.
It was a green Chrysler.
Oh. well,
that explains it.
I jump-started
the wrong car.
I was in a hurry.
I was on my way
to church
to say some novenas
for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving isn't
a catholic holiday.
Thanksgiving is very big
with the Italians.
Turkey cacciatore,
sweet potato parmigian--
there is no such thing
as Thanksgiving in Italy!
It's an American holiday.
And I've been to Italy--
to Florence, right?
Yes.
Ever been to Sicily,
by any chance?
No.
Thanksgiving
is very big in Sicily
on account of the large
number of Sicilians
who went to America
and then got thrown
back out.
There were two cases of
liquor in the back seat.
People drink too much.
Those two cases of liquor
were reported stolen
from Kelly's liquor
on fifth street
earlier today.
You're kidding me.
I accidentally borrowed
the wrong car
of a guy who stole some
liquor earlier today?
The car you stole
belongs to the reverend
Malcolm Dickenson.
He is the minister of
the presbyterian church
here in Fryburg!
Are you sure
he's a minister?
One of my best friends
makes his living
as a completely
phony minister.
For 2 bucks, I can
make you a minister.
Some guys
steal your money,
but these guys,
they steal your heart.
Now? can you see him?
What's the license number?
- Ma'am?
- E-N-4--
down the hall,
one flight up
to your left.
- Thank you.
- E-n-4.
Call me Vinnie.
It says here
your name's Tod.
Barney Coopersmith, FBI.
Hannah Stubbs of the
district attorney's office.
What's going on, Vinnie?
You've got phony ministers
stealing liquor.
Make me a minister.
I'll go undercover,
infiltrate them.
We'll nail all these--
what have you got?
Grand Theft Auto.
felony theft.
Where's the car
we gave you?
If I knew, I wouldn't
have borrowed the other.
We're arraigning him.
No, you're not.
We most certainly are.
This man is in the
federal witness program.
He's under the
protection of the FBI.
What are you doing?
Just looking. Cute kids.
Thank you.
- Baseball fans?
- Yes.
That's your husband?
Not anymore.
Come on, Vinnie.
Let's go.
You're
a good-looking girl,
except for
those army shoes.
No wonder he split.
Come on.
You ought to get a pair
of nice high heels.
Spectator pumps,
I think they're called.
Where are you going?
This man is a member
of an organized
crime family.
It's a stereotype,
and I resent it.
He has to testify
at two major mob trials
in New York in the
immediate future,
so therefore you are not
going to arraign him
for anything tomorrow.
Now, wait just a minute.
This is not a dump site
for the toxic waste
of criminal America.
That's my last mint.
Spit that out!
Spit that out and
return it to this woman!
Bring him back here!
This man is
much more important
than a couple
of petty larcenies.
That's your opinion.
You don't live here.
If I did, it would
be comforting to know
a narrow-minded fanatic
is looking out
for this community.
Oh, really?
Oh, really?
"Oh, really"?
Do better than that.
You're going
to lose the argument.
Stay out of this.
How long have you
been in this job,
two weeks?
Go to hell!
Just go to hell!
Way to go!
What if he promises
not to do it again?
Tell her you won't.
I didn't do anything
in the first place,
which is what I was
trying to explain.
I am not happy
about this!
Lady, this is justice
department policy.
Well, they're wrong.
They're wrong,
and I'm right.
Let me ask you something.
Have you ever been wrong
about anything?
Yes. once.
The shoes, right?
The shoes are tragic.
Creep.
Disgusting,
revolting, creep!
I thought he was cute.
Not that one.
The other one.
Listen carefully,
fluffy,
'cause I'm only
saying this once.
Tommy and I are going
down to grandma's house
for Thanksgiving
with dad.
Remember dad?
Yeah, he used
to live here.
We're going to be back
on Sunday night, though.
Promise you won't flush
him down the toilet?
I can't promise anything.
Mom!
I promise.
Come here.
You scared me.
So what's up?
What are you doing
today, mom?
I'm working.
Just as well you're going.
I wouldn't be here
anyway.
Do you still
love our dad?
No, but I still
love you.
"And your dad loves you.
That's all that
really matters."
Mm-hmm.
Hey, everybody ready?
Hi, dad.
Hi.
Now go on.
Have a good time.
We'll talk about this
when you get back Sunday.
Bye, mom.
Bye, mom.
Hi, dad.
Let's go!
Love you, mom!
Will?
You shouldn't just
walk in here
like you still
live here.
I'm supposed
to ring the doorbell
in my own house?
This is not
your house anymore.
I don't live here,
but it's mine.
He made me drink.
I'm drinking in solitary.
Look at me.
I-I'm cleaning
in solitary.
Of course, you always
clean in solitary.
There's nothing
new in that,
but still, drinking,
muttering to myself,
compulsively scrubbing.
Oh!
Oh!
I don't like this,
Kirby. Really.
The guy's hanging
around a bar.
He's looking to buy
stolen credit cards.
Could be a major
criminal conspiracy.
I don't know.
We go undercover.
We blow this thing
out of the water.
Who made you undercover?
I did.
It doesn't work
that way.
This is your
big chance.
These aren't
the good ones.
They got a limit.
They don't all
have limits.
They might not
be valid.
They're good.
I just got them
from the post office.
I work
at the post office.
I don't know
your name, though.
My name is
Tod Wilkinson.
Mrs. Stubbs!
Hey, Mrs. Stubbs!
We got one!
We got us a criminal.
No, we don't.
We got us a criminal
we already had.
Mrs. Stubbs!
As I live and breathe.
It's me, Vinnie.
I know who you are.
I just met you.
Oh! oh, darn it.
Brand-new shoes.
No, these are
old shoes.
It's a miracle
they lasted
as long
as they did.
There could be a transfer
of stolen goods
happening
before our eyes.
Don't be an idiot.
What's with you lately?
I'll take care of this.
Go home to your wife
and family.
Hey, you can drive away.
I won't follow you.
I have another
errand to run,
if you don't mind.
I don't mind.
It'll give me a chance
to thank you
for what you did
the other day,
the worst day
of my life.
That's hard to believe.
It's Thanksgiving.
I'm in a community
where I know no one
but my bartender.
My wife,
god rest her soul,
died three years ago
to the day.
I'm sorry to hear that,
but that's no excuse
for criminal behavior.
Like your shoes,
it's a miracle she lasted
as long as she did.
Aw, jeez!
Look at these guys.
Look how cute they are.
Look at them frolic
like this.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Stubbs.
I miss my dog, too.
They made me leave
my dog behind.
They wouldn't let you
take your dog?
He only answered
to his name.
What was his name?
Fungole.
Oh!
Need some help?
Yes. I would like
a water turtle,
and this gentleman
is interested in a dog.
Look at this guy.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Hey, hey, hey.
Boo, boo, boo.
I'm not really.
It'll be a long time
before I can even be
with another dog.
What are you doing?
All right.
Oh, god.
I wish I could remember
what the other one
looked like.
The turtle died,
and you're going to pass
another turtle off
as the dead turtle,
right?
Right.
Trust me.
They all look alike.
That one.
Pretty bird.
Pretty bird.
Polly want a cracker.
It don't say
Polly want a cracker.
What do it say?
You're under arrest.
I once knew a guy
had a parrot said that.
Yeah?
$2.04 with tax.
Is that correct?
Right.
Thank you very much.
You're under arrest.
I'm going to stay
and get me a new dog.
Excellent. I'm
very happy for you.
You dirty rat.
Snitch!
Stool pigeon.
Informer.
Squealer.
You dirty rat.
I already said
you dirty rat.
Yeah, but I
say it better.
Johnny bird!
I thought you was dead.
That was
the general idea.
Billy Sparrow.
Tod Wilkinson.
Ooh, that's
a good one.
Who's the dame?
As assistant D.A.
I recently made
the acquaintance of.
They picked you up?
Misdemeanor.
They don't have
misdemeanors here.
They just have felonies.
Where's Linda?
She couldn't take it.
Jeez, I'm glad
to see you.
I was feeling so...
Alone.
You're not alone.
You are really
not alone.
Toot, toot!
Barney! Barney,
what a day.
What a great day!
What are you
doing here, Vinnie?
What am I doing here?
I live here.
I live here.
We got to talk.
What's the matter?
You seem down.
I'm not down.
You look depressed.
I'm going to take you
and buy you a drink.
I'm going to buy you
a flying zombo.
That'll cheer you up.
I got to talk to you.
I'm with you.
I have a job, OK?
I'm with you.
My job's to protect
and safeguard you
so you can testify
at two major trials
that'll send
people to jail
who are significantly
more important than you.
I'm with you.
When you testify,
they'll attempt
to destroy
your credibility.
Getting into
trouble here
makes it easier for them
to tear you down.
I'm with you.
You cannot commit
credit card fraud.
Who says I did?
Yo, Tod.
Hey, how you doing?
We have pictures of it.
I'm trying to tell you,
I'm with you.
When I say
I'm with you,
I don't mean it
like an expression.
I mean,
I'm with you.
I'm with the government.
I'm undercover.
Who made you undercover?
I did.
It doesn't work
that way.
I'm ready to testify.
He'll go to jail.
I don't want you
to testify.
I want you to keep
your nose clean.
Capeece?
You trying to say
capisce?
Yeah.
Well, don't do it,
because it hurts my ears
when you do it.
Just out of curiosity,
where's your wife?
She, uh...
Got the chicken pox.
It's terrible.
She's in the hospital.
Really?
Did you tell somebody
she was dead?
Who told you this?
OK, OK.
Maybe I said it.
She left me, Barney.
Walked out the door.
Yeah, well, my wife
left me, too.
When did this happen?
In October.
That's when
mine broke up.
What is it
about October?
I don't know.
The pressure of Halloween?
You never know
what to go as.
That cute D.A.
That's who I told.
Hey, you and her maybe?
Better chance
of you and her
than me and her.
No, not my type.
I like them
a little, uh...
I don't know.
Kind of dirty
or something.
You ought to
take her out.
You ought to marry her.
I'm still married.
A guy in Reno
will marry you
even if you're married.
I'll arrange it.
Don't arrange anything.
Don't do anything.
Just lay low until
we get through New York.
Stay out of trouble.
I'm with you.
What's this?
Oh.
Surprise!
Surprise!
Rocco Bamonte!
Peter Baker.
Peter Baker?
That's fantastic.
Richie Paolucci.
No, no, no.
Michael Peterson.
I was your pallbearer.
I appreciate it, Vinnie.
Vinnie!
Nicky the fish!
What are you
doing here?
It's great
to see you, Vin.
Hey!
Dino!
how are you, Dino?
Boy, Vinnie,
you look good.
I can't believe this.
What the frig is this?
A popover.
There's nothing in it.
Last week I drove
43 miles to a restaurant
I heard had good
marinara sauce.
How was it?
Please.
This is where you go
when you die.
Everything's so clean.
Everybody's so nice.
Good we're not broke,
or we'd be miserable.
I'm broke.
But you get your check
every week
from the government,
right?
How long you think
you get your check?
Forever.
Yeah?
Here's to forever.
What are you saying?
Read the fine print.
They only send you
the check
till you testify.
Then they actually
expect you
to go to work.
Bastards.
Creeps.
What the hell?
We should
go into business.
There's enough of us
to start a crime wave.
Hold it.
Come on, come on.
Bring it in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hijacking.
See you guys later.
Good night, Vinnie.
Take care, Vin.
Have a good one,
Vinnie.
Now, Vin, remember,
no speeding!
Watch yourself.
OK, boys,
back to work.
We are not accusing you
of anything but speeding
at the moment,
Mr. Wilkinson,
but I'd like to know
about the items
in your trunk.
Which items?
Well, let's start with
the cassette players.
I don't know anything
about cassette players.
There were 40 of them
in your trunk.
Oh. a guy I know
won those in a contest.
They were part
of a shipment
hijacked
four days ago.
Oh, that's terrible.
And the swordfish?
I know this guy.
His whole life
is fishing,
but he caught
too many fish,
so he asked me,
would I keep
some fish in my freezer,
but I don't have
room in my freezer
on account of
another guy I know
giving me
a side of beef.
So he put the fish
in my trunk
while the weather's cold,
unbeknownst to me.
Mr. Wilkinson...
Put the ball away
and sit down!
The books.
You got something
against books?
I have nothing
against books.
I'm curious
about the books
in your trunk.
You see, I was thinking
of writing my story,
so I bought this book
on how to do it.
Why do you need
25 copies?
In case I want to
read it more than once.
I'm sure it will come
as no surprise to you
to learn these books
were part of a shipment
that was hijacked
yesterday.
No!
Yes!
Mr. Wilkinson--
how's the turtle,
Mrs. Stubbs?
Fine, thank you.
Did your kids figure out
you switched turtles?
I know it would be
a major disappointment
for them to find out.
Did you have a warrant?
Know what
this lady did?
She whacked the turtle--
this man appears
to have been
in at least three
major hijackings,
based on what we
found in his trunk.
Did you have a warrant
to search his trunk?
No.
Didn't even have
probable cause.
You had no right
to search.
Probable cause.
Jefferson put that
in the constitution.
Not for you.
I'm exactly who
he put it in for.
I admire your zeal.
Don't patronize me.
I'm the worst-case scenario
of Jefferson's dreams.
This way.
Presumably, the statute
of limitations
will not have run out--
I've been thinking
of advising this man
to get involved
with you,
but I'm afraid
I can't,
because
you're losing
your sense of humor.
You can't touch him.
I can, too.
If you ever had
a sense of humor.
After you testify,
all bets are off.
Everybody thinks
they're humorous,
but they're not.
You commit so much
as a misdemeanor,
I'll throw
the book at you.
OK, here's a test.
What's the difference
between a light bulb
and a pregnant woman?
What?
You can unscrew
a light bulb.
See? no sense
of humor whatsoever.
Care for something
to drink, ma'am?
No, thanks.
Something
to drink, sir?
Let me borrow
that pen again.
What can I get
you gentlemen
to drink today?
Ginger ale for me.
Two double scotches,
please.
We're only allowed
to sell you two drinks.
Two double scotches
would be four drinks.
I see.
All right,
how about this?
Sell me
my double scotch
and my friend
his double scotch.
Instead of putting his
on his tray,
put it on mine,
and I'll pay for both.
You look fantastic
in red and blue...Pam.
All right, then.
That'll be $12.
OK, and, uh...
Keep the change, please.
We're not allowed
to accept tips.
Not allowed
to accept tips.
So your change is $8.00.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can I get you
something, ma'am?
Would you like
something to drink?
Bye.
You tip
a flight attendant?
I tip everybody.
That's my philosophy.
See, actually, it's not
tipping I believe in.
It's overtipping.
I think this is
the kind of thing
people would
like to know.
Give me that pen again.
American airlines
flight 550
for San Francisco
is now boarding...
Vinnie,
tomorrow morning
you'll be seeing
the prosecutors.
Tomorrow morning
I have an appointment
with my tailor.
You're going over
testimony.
Gaetano's expecting me
at 10:00.
The next day
you'll testify,
after which
we'll go back.
Don't let anyone
know who you are
or that
you're in town.
You'll telephone
no one.
If anyone looks like
they know you...
Vinnie!
Vinnie!
Welcome home!
We love you, Vinnie!
Welcome home, Vinnie!
I don't believe this!
Are you crazy?
Nobody knows
I'm here but them.
Shh!
Shh!
Mama.
Vincenzo.
Undo my cuffs so I can
hug my own mother.
I can't do that.
Don't make me look
like a criminal
in front of my mother.
Mama.
Mama.
Oh, mama.
Mama.
Mio bambino.
Mama.
Barney.
Hey, hey, hey,
mama, mama, mama.
I thought Wankel invented
the rotary engine.
Vinnie?
Vinnie?
Vinnie!
Vaca.
Where the hell
where you all night?
These little town blues
Are melting away
Vinnie, we're late.
We have an appointment
downtown.
You see what I mean?
Tragic.
Barney, take a look
at the two of us.
Take a look.
You see,
we don't match.
You dress like this,
you attract
attention to me.
That's dangerous.
Wait till
you see this.
Wow. the worst.
It's a pair
of socks.
Just try something
different.
Vinnie, I'm not
interested in this.
Of course you're not.
We know this.
If you were interested,
we wouldn't be having
this conversation.
No wonder
your wife left you.
She didn't leave me
because of my socks.
The wardrobe is a symbol
of how you are.
Now what do you think?
Barney, listen to me.
It's very hard
for a human being
to change.
I am an expert on this.
So, sometimes
in order for a human
being to change,
you have to change
from the outside in.
Wow!
You look
beautiful.
Come on.
Tomorrow,
as the provolone trial
continues,
the U.S. attorney's office
is expected to call
Vincent Antonelli,
one of the chief
lieutenants to Gazzo
until September,
when he entered the federal
witness protection program.
Look how young I look
in that picture.
What do you want
from room service?
Nothing.
You got to eat
something.
What I want
is Linguini at Bruno's.
A little Linguini,
a little scungilli.
I'll get you
some Italian food.
You think
I like hotel rooms?
I'd like to order
room service.
Room 606.
Do you have
any Italian food?
What does that
Italian dressing
come on, salad?
OK, I'll take one.
Do you have pasta?
Macaroni and cheese.
OK, I'll take
one of those.
What's this chicken
volavent?
Can you make that
without the silky
cream sauce?
I just want it
in a flaky pastry.
OK, fine. Then--
what are you doing?
I'm wrinkling
your jacket
like you're
wrinkling your pants.
What? why?
You bought a $1,200 suit.
You hang up the jacket,
but lay around in your pants.
You're wrinkling the pants.
Give me your pants.
I'll hang them up.
What happens, the pants
go to the dry cleaners
more than the jacket.
You end up with a suit
that doesn't match.
I'll use
the pressing machine.
Order me
the macaroni and cheese,
and get one of those
little bottles of wine.
I don't want
to drink too much.
Will I need change?
No. No.
They'll have change there.
I'll be back
in about five minutes, OK?
Vinnie!
Vinnie!
Vinnie!
We open up
the truck.
What is there
but 6,000 watches?
I think,
great, 6,000 watches.
What I don't realize
is that each watch
is worth 10 grand.
Now do
your multiplication.
May I
help you, sir?
I'm meeting somebody.
Vinnie!
$60 million
would buy the bar.
Eddie, make me a drink
you made the night
Mary was shot.
I think it was
a bloody Mary.
Psst! Vinnie.
Who's that?
Come here.
It's Louie!
Louie Vinchenzi
from San Francisco.
What are you doing here?
This man's so fast,
he doesn't wear pants.
It slows him down.
How was she?
Give me the suit.
I can't believe
you did this--
a $1,200 suit
on my credit card.
Do you want to have a good time
or sit in the hotel and look
at green carpeting?
18% on my credit card.
I'll be paying it off
the rest of my life.
Champagne
for everybody?
What
a fantastic guy.
I could've
bought a new car.
Don't get him mad.
I can't believe
you did this.
Let's go.
Right now.
This is my territory.
Back to the motel.
I want to show you
something.
You see those guys?
Yes, I do.
If they find out
you're FBI,
we have a problem.
So, what'll it be,
the motel and TV
or drinking
and girls?
Know what
I noticed about you?
You never look them
in the eye.
Who?
Girls. you're
a good-looking guy.
You're a better-looking
guy than I am,
but I always
look them in the eye.
Therefore, I'll always
get laid more than you,
which is fundamentally
unjust, am I right?
You're into justice.
This argument
should appeal to you.
Come here.
What?
Leave your celery.
Hiya, girls.
How ya doing?
My name's Vinnie.
What's your name?
Angie.
What's your name?
Marie.
Marie, meet
my brother-in-law Barney.
He invented
that valve doohickey
on the artificial heart.
Don't ask me
to explain it.
Barney. what
a great name.
They always say that.
Look her
right in the eye.
Hi, Marie.
Hi, Barney.
What do you say
we all dance?
Oh, Vinnie, no.
I'd rather not.
I want to dance.
Do a little merengue
for us.
Merengue.
all right.
Don't take it easy
on her. Let's go.
Yeah
Pull it up.
Pump up.
What are you doing?
You're too stiff.
You're slouching.
Stand up like this.
Buckle your knees
a little.
Move your hips.
Hey, Barney.
Put your hand here
like this.
Ohh.
Do it.
Now watch this.
Do it.
Do it.
La merengue
Ioye!
Asi, mami, asi
Suave, suave
yeah
Suave, suave
Ay, mama, ay...
Vinnie!
Aah!
aah!
Hey, Barney.
Yeah, Vinnie?
Where'd you learn
to shoot like that?
In the bureau.
Really?
Yeah.
You saved my life.
You saved my life.
We're in each
other's debt forever.
That's so great.
Good night,
Vinnie.
Good night, Barney.
And what happened then,
Mr. Antonelli?
Mr. Capelli
left the room.
Did Mr. Gazzo
say anything
at this point?
Mr. Gazzo said,
"kill the fart."
I apologize,
your honor,
but that's
what he said.
To whom was he speaking?
Sonny, Frankie,
Richie, Al--
the guys
who were there.
Then they had
a little eggplant
Benny's mother made.
She puts capers in,
which I think's
a mistake.
Then they killed
Nicky Capelli.
One behind the ear
with a.22.
Richie loved
to use.22s.
The bullets
are small
and don't come out
the other end
like a.45.
A.45 will blow
a barn door
out your head.
Lots of dry-cleaning
involved.
A.22 will just
rattle around
like Pac-Man
until you die.
Thank you,
Mr. Antonelli.
You're welcome.
Your witness.
Mr. Antonelli,
where exactly
do you live?
Nowhere.
Objection.
Mr. Levine knows
perfectly well
the witness is unable
to answer that question.
I withdraw
the question.
Aren't you currently
in the federal witness
protection program?
Yes.
You're living
somewhere in America
under government
protection.
You agreed to testify
against Mr. Gazzo.
In exchange
for this testimony,
you've been given immunity,
a nice house,
and a weekly paycheck.
That correct?
That's not all I get.
Perhaps you could
enlighten the jury
as to what else
the government's giving you
in exchange
for this testimony.
Sure.
I get to never see
my parents again
or my loved ones.
I get to live
in a place...
It's OK.
Don't get me wrong.
The air is clean.
The people are nice.
But for a guy
like me,
who was raised
on the sidewalks
of a city
that never sleeps,
it's a living hell.
There were times
I thought of
giving it up,
particularly when
my wife left me.
They gave us
a nice house
with flowers
in front.
It made her sick.
But I made a deal
with the government
to tell the truth.
If you think
I'm saying
what I'm saying
about Mr. Gazzo
killing Nicky
only because
of the deal,
you got a point,
but it's still
the truth.
What's the difference
between a light bulb
and a pregnant woman?
I don't know.
You can unscrew
a light bulb.
Michelle, a drink here
for my friend.
Oh, I couldn't possibly.
Have a Brandy.
Monks make it.
Vinnie, we'll have
to work so hard
next time
we come to New York
so it won't
be a letdown
after this trip.
What a fabulous time
I had.
Although
I got to admit,
it will be good
to get back home.
Barney,
I've been thinking.
It doesn't
make any sense
for you to have a problem
with that D.A.
Get off my back
about the D.A.
I'm not talking
about romance.
I'm talking in general.
Why make war
with the D.A.?
You're out of your mind,
especially
in your line of work.
So, when you get back,
you oughta
try and make peace
with her,
a little gesture
to show you're friendly.
Why make war?
I mean, that's
my philosophy anyway.
That's my philosophy.
Hi, Mr. Wilkinson.
Hi, Mr. Wilkinson.
Hi, kids.
How ya doing?
Hi, Tod.
Hi, Debbie.
Hi, Brodie.
What a day
for a mow, huh?
Hey, tiger.
Where'd you get
that jacket?
You look sharp.
Hey, baby.
Way to go,
Coopersmith.
Coopersmith.
Good morning, sir.
You could use a little
help yourself.
Who gave me this?
Hi, kids.
My name is Tod.
I'm a friend
of your mom's
from the office.
I'm Jamie.
I'm Tommy.
What are you
doing here?
We have to leave
right away.
Otherwise we'll
miss batting practice.
Let's go.
Hey, we can't go.
We can't go.
Why not?
Of course
you can.
Now parking's
always a problem
at the stadium,
so I've taken
the Liberty,
if you
don't mind,
of hiring
a limousine.
A limo!
Oh, yes!
Where is it?
Does it have a TV?
Awesome.
Rad.
Oh, yes!
We can't possibly.
Oh, mom.
Why not?
Please, mom.
Yeah, please.
Come on.
Oh, thank you.
Yes!
If everybody
had an ocean
Across the USA
Then everybody'd
be surfin'
Like Califor-ni-a...
Hey, mom. Vodka.
Put that away now.
Hey, you
got any vodka?
Put your
seat belts on.
Hey, you don't have
to put them on in this.
Hot dogs!
These good seats or what?
Here's
a program for you.
You keep track
of everything.
Never take your wallet out
at the ball game.
Didn't your mother
teach you this?
No.
Put this away.
How many hot dogs
do we want, two each?
Real men
always have two.
OK, and two
for your mother.
I don't want
a hot dog.
She's probably
on a diet.
My wife
was always on a diet.
My mother used to say,
be careful
of women on diets.
They're always
in a bad mood.
She was right, too.
My wife
walked out on me.
I thought
your wife died.
I only wish.
2, 4, 6 hot dogs, please.
Keep the change.
Remember this section.
Pass one to your mom.
Barney Coopersmith,
what a coincidence.
What do you mean?
You invited me.
It's an expression.
You sit next to her.
Everything doesn't
have to be a war
with you
J. Edgar hoover types.
Hi.
Hi.
The reason you never
take your wallet out
at a ball game
or anyplace else
is that someone's
gonna steal it from you.
When you
wave your wallet around,
they watch
where you put it.
When you get up
to go to the bathroom,
they follow you in
and use a bumper.
They always
use a bumper.
Bump into your brother.
This is how it works.
Feel anything?
Look at this.
So always
protect your wallet.
O'er the ramparts
we watched
Were so gallantly
streaming
Play ball!
Yeah.
Play ball.
Padres! padres!
Padres! padres!
Padres! padres!
Padres! padres!
What?
He was safe.
Nice day, huh?
Take me out
to the ball game
Take me out
with the crowd
Buy me
some peanuts...
That's it!
That was awesome.
Yeah, how about that?
You kids
play baseball?
We play in the field
behind the mall.
I know that field.
It's in bad condition.
Every time it rains,
it gets all yucky.
A dome
is what you need.
The first little league
in America with a dome.
You ought
to raise money for it.
It's a cocktail party
for law-enforcement
personnel
in the San Diego area.
If you'd like
to come with me.
Yes.
I would.
I'll call you.
You know, it's dangerous
for you to be here
in the frozen food
section.
Why is that?
Because you could
melt all this stuff.
Ahh.
By the way,
my name's
Shaldeen.
Hiya, Shaldeen.
What's yours?
My name's Tod.
Tod. that's
a beautiful name.
It's Italian for...
Extra special.
Hello.
Barney,
how ya doing?
What's going on,
Vinnie?
I'm in Reno.
I just got married.
Got what?
Married.
Say hello
to Shaldeen.
Shaldeen,
say hello to Barney.
Hi, Barney.
Hi, Shaldeen.
Put Vinnie
back on, please.
Sure, bye.
Love her or what?
I don't understand.
You're already married.
I didn't marry her
under my real name.
I said, Vinnie,
you're already married.
He said, don't worry.
I didn't marry her
under my real name.
You're not going
to book him for bigamy?
Hannah doesn't find him
as funny as I do.
I see
that it's funny.
I have
a sense of humor.
Of course you have.
Everyone
thinks they have,
even people who don't.
You look nice.
Thanks.
Do you want to dance?
I'm a terrible dancer.
So am I,
but I can do
the merengue.
They're not playing
the merengue.
They will.
Thank you.
1, 2.
She's a therapist.
He owns a lumberyard.
She left me for one
of her patients.
He left me for someone
I carpooled with.
Jamie, the 9-year-old,
is the serious one.
That's how it is
with brothers.
One's serious,
the other's funny.
Like with me
and my brother.
You're the serious one.
I'm the funny one.
Really.
She moved
to Wichita.
I haven't
seen her since.
I see him constantly.
He walks into the house
without even knocking.
Would you like
to come in
for some coffee
or something?
Well, if it won't
wake up the kids.
The kids
are at my mother's.
Your kids
are at your mother's?
Good morning!
Guys!
Hiya.
Hey.
Oh!
You want to come
into this house,
you ring
the damn bell!
I'm sorry.
Do you mind getting
the door, please?
Thank you.
Oh!
Aah!
Oh! ooh!
You've chosen
the right agent, sir.
Barney, I've got you
the assignment
of your dreams!
You're going
undercover, buddy.
Congratulations.
We're launching a major
sting operation tomorrow.
Step into my parlor.
At 1300 hours.
your watches, men.
We get
to be Canadians!
I still have the witness
to look after
until he appears in court.
He has one more
court appearance.
When?
In three weeks.
This is a very
important assignment.
You'll be out for
as long as it takes--
four weeks, eight weeks,
however long.
I'll make sure someone's
assigned to your witness.
I assume that he'll
stay out of trouble
in the meantime,
Coopersmith?
He just fell
in love, sir.
You know how it is
when you fall in love.
Sir?
Undercover!
Undercover.
You can't even call?
We'll be stashed away.
You can't use the phone
for anything that's
not related to the job.
Someone could be
tapping the phone.
You could jeopardize
the entire investigation.
But you just got here.
OK, fellas,
this is it.
Let's go!
You're Harry Redleaf,
and you're Dicky Thorson.
You're from Vancouver,
and you're in town
to buy stolen goods
from a major
hijacking ring.
They'll contact you
when they're ready
to fence their goods.
When will that be?
Not today. It will be
whenever it will be.
So, me and Barney
just sit here waiting?
That's right.
It will be
much easier
if you start
calling each other
Harry and dicky.
So, dicky and me just
sit here waiting?
I hate that name.
I really hate that name!
Have a nice day
at the office, honey.
See you later,
darling.
Bye, honey.
Jesus,
look at this shit!
Oh, look at this rain!
Bring it back here,
Epstein!
Back it up!
Pull it a little
to the left,
just a little bit!
Take it easy!
That's it, hold it!
Ah, what the hell
is this?
Where are
the stereos?
How are we going
to fence this shit?
Guys,
what do you got?
We got two
big spenders in town.
We got nothing
to sell them.
What the hell are we
supposed to do with these?
How many of these
we got?
See, you guys
see a problem.
I see potential.
Have a nice day.
How you doing?
Would you mind us
leaving
this bottle here
to raise money
for the Fryburg
little league?
Huh. not at all.
Have a nice day.
Hiya, kids!
I'll see you next week.
Lost track of how long
we've been in here.
Give me some idea.
I don't know
what's happening.
We lost contact
temporarily.
What are we
supposed to do?
I'm wasting the best years
of my life.
I got a wife
and a family
I'm not with, dicky.
You don't hear me
complaining.
You call me dicky
one more time,
and I'll kill you.
Thank you.
- Hi, Tod!
- Hi, Tod!
Hiya, Tommy.
Hiya, Jamie.
What's all
that money for?
I don't know.
Race ya!
I'm first, I'm first!
I don't know what kind
I'm getting.
What can I do for you?
I don't know yet.
Got to look around.
That looks
really good.
Take your time.
I'll get
chocolate chip.
Coming up.
Okey-doke.
It's $1.00, right?
Mm-hmm, 1 dollar.
Chocolate chip.
You want the cone
or what?
I changed my mind.
Sorry.
Maybe he'll put in
night lights!
No, he'll put in
a Dome and Astroturf.
Mom, you should've seen
the money in the bottle.
There's like trillions
of dollars.
It was our idea.
Well, not exactly
our idea,
but we told him
how awful the field was.
He might
put in bleachers.
Oh, yeah!
And Astroturf again!
And maybe even
a dome.
All right.
It's the first time
in my life
I try to do something
for someone,
repay my debt
to society,
and you arrest me
for it.
He might be
telling the truth.
It was all
for the community.
I swear
on my mother's life.
Let me do this.
I live here.
This is my home.
For better
or for worse.
I love it here.
And you were going
to give the money
to the community,
weren't you?
Yes. yes!
He was going
to give the money
to the community.
When were you going
to give the money
to the community?
When I had all of it,
obviously.
Listen, Mrs. Stubbs...
Over here.
Against the wall, sir.
I'm a new man.
This is not the old me.
This is the new me.
He seems like a completely
different person.
He seems
totally different.
Anyway, I'm not
your problem.
You have major crime
going on right here
under your nose.
You're wasting
your time with me.
I'm nothing.
I'm small potatoes.
What
I could tell you
about what's
going on around here
if I wanted to,
it's big.
Come on, buddy.
What if he's
telling the truth?
At least listen to him.
OK.
What?
Two of the biggest fences
in north America
are sitting right here
in Fryburg,
ready to make a deal
on everything in town
that isn't nailed down.
They're looking
to buy a ton of swag
and ship it out of here
in boxcars.
Hannah!
Are you trying to make
a deal with me?
I don't know. Am I?
There's no deal
if they're not here.
They're here.
If he said they're here,
they'll be here.
Yeah. Harry Redleaf
and Dicky Thorson.
From Vancouver.
Did I tell you
they were from Vancouver,
or did I tell you
they were from Vancouver?
Let's go.
First left
out the door.
Here you go.
Thank you.
They never
leave the room.
They just sit there
like they waiting
on something.
Did I tell you,
or did I tell you?
What about
male customers
buying things
for their wives?
They all watch
Oprah Winfrey.
Police!
Police!
Police! freeze!
You're under
ar...Rest.
Hannah.
Bastard.
You bastard!
I had no idea!
For once in my life,
I'm telling--
the deal is off!
I'm arresting you
for a scam
moneymaking scheme
to build
a little league park.
And furthermore,
I'm indicting you
under your real name.
Cuff him!
He has to testify in New York
in three days,
but he won't make it
because by tomorrow
this story's
in the newspaper
and every hit man
in America will be here.
I seriously
doubt that.
You want to bet?
I never bet when
I'm sure I'm right.
Presumably you haven't
done much betting,
since you've
only been wrong
once in your life.
Twice.
Hannah.
There you are.
Barney! thank god!
You got to get me
out of this mess!
That's the way it's been
your whole life.
You spill your milk,
and somebody else
cleans it up.
I'm not cleaning up
your mess this time.
Lighten up.
Is that your solution,
that it's
somebody else's problem?
You steal
a little swordfish,
and Hannah
should lighten up?
You pretend to raise money
for the little league,
and the community
should lighten up?
Hannah turns
against me,
and I should
lighten up?
Barney...I've
upset you. I'm sorry.
What kind of jail
is this?
Oh, I don't like
to use this bathroom,
so they let me use
the office bathroom.
Isn't there a guard?
Everything all right,
Vinnie?
Oh, Jimmy, yeah.
No problem. Thanks.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Sit down.
You have a pillow
with your name
embroidered on it?
Yeah, Crystal
made that for me.
It's nice, isn't it?
Hey...
At least you never
got involved with her.
I can't believe
I even suggested it!
Don't you understand,
Vinnie?
I'm in love with Hannah.
And now she hates me,
and it's all your fault.
I'm so pissed at you!
I'm really pissed, OK?
OK.
Why is it my fault?
Because you are a blight
on this community,
and I put you here,
so she blames me.
Barney, I am sorry.
Yeah, right.
I am. Really, I am.
I owe you.
You saved my life
that night
in New York.
I could never shoot
at anyone.
I never touched
a gun in my life.
It doomed me forever
to middle management,
and that's the truth.
I should do something.
What could I do?
Vinnie,
don't do anything.
Please,
stop doing things.
I have to make
a phone call.
Now what?
I am entitled to
make a phone call,
am I not?
Oh, jailer.
Should I use
the office line
or the coffee room
line?
Our position,
your honor,
is that
we be permitted
to hold Mr. Antonelli
without bail.
Every day
he is on the streets,
he commits a crime.
And while
that may be all right
in places like New York
where people
are used to it,
here in Fryburg,
every citizen is a victim.
Hear, hear!
That's right.
Mr. Coopersmith.
Your honor, speaking
for the federal bureau
of investigation,
our position
is that Mr. Antonelli
must not spend
another night in jail.
He's in danger.
He must be protected
so that he can testify.
We ask
that you Grant bail
and release him
in our custody.
Your honor, this is exactly
what the FBI does.
It pretends this man
is in danger
when no one cares
about him one bit.
There's
all this melodrama,
as if cartoon hit men
in white-on-white ties
are going to walk in
and try to kill him.
Obviously, this is
preposterous scenario,
the sort of
paranoid fantasy that--
duck!
Duck!
Hannah!
Get down, get down!
You OK?
Move! go to the stand!
I got to
get out of here.
Follow me.
Get going,
Coopersmith!
Vinnie!
ah, where is he? Vinnie!
It's all right,
everybody!
They're gone!
Use my car.
Great.
Oh, take my keys.
Thanks.
Take my gun.
Wow.
You saved my life.
I'm in your debt
forever.
That's how it works.
Take me!
Get in.
Just pretend
I'm your hostage.
I can't believe it.
You're actually
building this.
Yo, Vinnie!
Yo, look at this!
Hey, Dino,
Nicky, Benny!
Looking good!
Looking good!
Oh, mom!
Guess what he built.
I know.
OK, hold on a sec.
It's so awesome.
Hannah, Hannah!
Isn't he wonderful?
Why didn't
you say anything
about this ball park
when I arrested you?
What, and ruin
the surprise?
You didn't say anything
about this ball park
because there
was nothing to say.
You arranged
all this from jail
to avoid prosecution
for embezzlement.
Now that hurts.
Because this was
my intention
from the very
beginning.
The children needed
a ball park,
and I responded.
See...
I know how it feels
to be disappointed.
When I was 7 years old--
no, 8--
all I wanted
for Christmas
was a new red bicycle.
My favorite uncle,
uncle alfresco,
swore to me that he would
buy me that bicycle.
I counted the days
until Christmas.
5:00, Christmas morning,
I run down--
all right.
Nobody move.
This is just between
Vinnie and us.
Guys, I'm in the middle
of an anecdote.
Come here and
nobody gets hurt.
OK, OK.
Come on, kids,
move back.
And everybody just
get out of the way!
Take Vincent!
Go, Vinnie!
Aah!
All right, freeze!
Hold it right there!
Nice action.
Thanks.
I thought--
I lied.
Now, where was I?
Oh, yes.
5:00, Christmas morning,
I run downstairs
and look under the tree,
and what do I find?
Uncle alfresco dead
on the floor,
shot through the back
of the head.
Plus, no bicycle.
It was a disappointing
Christmas
on many levels.
So you can accuse me
of many things.
But never for one moment
did I intend to rip off
these beautiful children.
Isn't that right,
Barney?
Yeah. Vinnie told me
about this little league
thing months ago.
And the only reason
I didn't say
anything about it
was 'cause it was supposed
to be a surprise
for the kids.
Do you expect me
to believe this?
Yes, I do.
How about it?
Nice.
Very nice.
Hey, hey!
Now, when you guys
are laying this sod,
remember,
green side up.
Green side up.
OK.
Hey, Crystal, I want
to show you this.
Now, what's going
to happen here...
Fresh peanuts!
Get ice-cold soda!
Hot dogs!
Car radios!
Peanuts! peanuts!
CDs!
Get your
cannolis, zeppoli,
veal cutlet hero!
Get the new best-seller,
how I got here--
adventures in a life
of crime and punishment.
Autographed
by the criminal himself.
Are you going
to read it or buy it?
I can't believe I'm back
in this crummy town.
I must be working out
some screwed-up Karma.
Who would've thought
we'd each have two
husbands in a row
who were in the federal
witness program?
You know,
this lawn reminds--
here, sweetie.
Let's have a good game.
Hey, umpire.
Yeah?
I got a little
proposition to make you.
The Fryburg turtles...
They're going
to win, hmm?
Hmm?
And now,
Fryburg city council's
man of the year,
Mr. Vincent Antonelli,
will throw out
the first ball.
Hey, all right,
all right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hey, come here, kids.
Come on, come.
Whoa, look at these guys!
Looking good! Whoa!
Huh? how about that, huh?
Whoa!
Merengue!
Oh!
My boy Vinnie!
Oh, good boy!
Hey, yeah!
Ooh! ohh!
Yes!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Hey, Crystal,
how's our little one?
Turtles all the way!
Play ball!
You know,
sometimes I even
amaze myself.
When whippoorwills call
And evening is nigh
I hurry to my
Blue heaven
You turn to the right
You find a little
bright light
That leads you to my
Blue heaven
You'll find
a cozy place
A fireplace
A cozy room
A little nest
That nestles
where the roses bloom
Just Molly and me
And baby makes three
Be happy in my
Blue heaven
You'll find
a cozy place
A fireplace
A cozy room
A little nest
That nestles
where the roses bloom
Just Molly and me
And baby
makes three...
Captioning made possible by
Warner Bros.
Captioned by the national
And evening is nigh
I hurry to my
Blue
Heaven
You turn to the right
You find a little
bright light
That leads you to my
Blue
Heaven
You'll find
a cozy place
A fireplace
A cozy room
A little nest
That nestles
where the roses bloom
Just Molly and me
And baby makes three
Be happy in my
Blue
Heaven
When whippoorwills call
And evening is nigh
I hurry to my
Blue
Heaven
You turn to the right
You find a little
bright light
That leads you to my
Blue
Heaven
You'll find
a cozy place
A fireplace
A cozy room
A little nest
That nestles
where the roses bloom
Just Molly and me
And baby makes three
Be happy in my
Blue
Heaven
Good morning.
Watch your back.
All right. I see it.
Ma'am.
This for
the living room?
Yeah.
This is one
of the nicest houses
we've ever moved
anyone like you into.
It's got gas heat,
air conditioned,
harvest gold fixtures
in the kitchen.
If you like that
kind of thing.
Hey, Linda,
what do you think?
I always promised
you a nice house.
Let's not get
carried away, Vinnie.
It's going to
be a lot easier
if you two start
calling each other
Terry and Tod.
It's a nice
house, Terry. Okay?
You're Terry.
He's Tod.
Wait for me.
Let's take
a look inside.
Come on.
I'll need your
social security number
so I can process
your payment.
My what?
Your social
security number
so we can
pay you.
5-dash.
9-dash.
2, 5.
2...
That's one too
many numbers.
Take off the 5.
If you have
any problems,
call my office
in San Diego.
They always
know where I am.
Truth is, I'm usually there.
We'll let you know
when we're going
to New York to testify.
Great. great.
Thanks for
everything.
You'll like it here.
I'd live here if
my wife didn't...
Hate it. Right?
No, no, no.
Take my word.
She'd hate it.
She has
to be near town
because she works
with athletes.
If you ever want
baseball tickets,
give me a call.
Great. baseball.
The padres play the mets
every so often.
Though you might
be Yankees fans.
Most organized
crime people are.
I love the Yankees.
Linda loves the Yankees.
So does Terry.
Who's Terry?
You are.
If you have questions,
give me a call.
Thanks. I really
appreciate it.
This is my job.
I get paid.
You don't tip
FBI men.
Sure, you do.
Yo, Frankie.
You think this
guy's for--hey!
There's a 4:00 nonstop
out of here.
You really going
back to New York?
You'll find
another wife.
I know.
I could've pulled
out months ago.
You wouldn't have
gotten the house
or the extra
allowance.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Next time
I see you,
you'll be eating
white bread.
It's not bad
with egg salad.
It's better
than the slammer.
Keep telling yourself
that, sweetheart.
You might believe it
after a while.
Stay out of my purse
while I'm on the phone.
I wasn't in
your purse.
Yes, you were!
You're always
accusing me.
Put the visa card back
in my purse, Vinnie.
I'd like a cab at--
what the frig is
the address here?
How should I know?
Number 1 happy street.
You know what
the guy tried to do?
No idea. I haven't met
a criminal in years.
He tried to tip me.
How much?
$100.
$100?
That's not the point.
He proffered
a gratuity.
It's against protocol.
I can't accept that.
Task completed,
Coopersmith?
Yes, sir.
This isn't going to take
a lot of my time.
This guy is living in
the middle of nowhere.
Is there anything else
I could take on, sir?
Coopersmith,
this is an important
government witness.
When you've delivered him
to his court appearances,
then we'll talk
about something else.
Not before.
Very good, sir.
Back to the dangerous
world of FHA fraud.
I don't want to fill
out any more forms.
I want to go undercover.
I want to stake out
some son of a bitch
and eat a lot
of takeout food.
I want to wear
a windbreaker.
Once, when
I was undercover,
I got to drive a BMW.
I know.
I can't help it.
It was the high point
of my life.
I'm getting back
into undercover work.
Forget it, Kirby.
It's against regulations.
There's overtime.
You can't catch
criminals in the FBI
if there's overtime
involved.
Something
could change.
Things change.
Yeah. right.
This is San Diego
all sports radio.
We're talking about
last night's game.
Another loss
by the home team.
The pads lost in
the ninth
when Wally Bunting walked
in the winning run.
What are we going
to do about Wally?
Barney.
Wally. too bad.
Could've happened
to anybody, right?
Yeah. I guess so.
Relief pitching.
It's a high risk
occupation.
Anybody could blow
a 7-run lead.
Whatever.
They're
sending me down.
To the minors?
Wichita.
I'm sorry, Wally.
I'm going to miss you.
Margaret will
miss you, too.
I mean, therapists
aren't supposed to say
that they'll miss
their patients.
So, how do I know?
This is the second
relief pitcher
she's lost to
the minors this season.
I'm going, too, Barney.
Where?
To Wichita.
Why would you
go to Wichita?
How old are you?
I'm sorry, Barney,
but it's just
no fun here.
You're no fun.
What do you mean?
You get the oil changed
on the second Tuesday,
you get the car washed
on the fourth Thursday.
Your hair cut on
the 11th of the month.
You never ever get
a different cut.
Look at how you
eat pancakes.
What's wrong
with it?
How does
he eat pancakes?
He has a system
for eating pancakes.
So the bottom
pancake
gets as much syrup
as the top one.
He has a system
for everything.
Wally.
The losing streak now
stands at four in a row.
KBAJ now ends
its broadcast day.
The score again--
L.A. 5, San Diego 3.
Take my hand
I'm a stranger
in paradise
All lost
in a wonderland
A stranger
in paradise
If I stand
starry-eyed
That's a danger
in paradise
For mortals
who stand beside
An angel like you
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Have a nice day.
Good morning, sir.
Would you like to try
a vanilla bran
oat crunchie?
What do you think?
Thoom, thoom,
thoom, thoom
Thoom, thoom,
thoom, thoom...
Have a nice day.
Fuck you!
Ooh-wah, ooh-wah,
cool, cool kitty
Tell us about the boy
from New York City
Ooh-wah, ooh-wah,
come on, kitty
Tell us about the boy
from New York City
He's kinda tall
He's really fine
Yeah, yeah
Some day I hope to make
him mine, all mine
Yeah, yeah
And he's neat
And oh, so sweet
And just the way
he looked at me
It swept me
off my feet
Yeah, yeah
Ooh-wee
You ought
to come and see
How he walks
Yeah, yeah
And how he talks
Yeah, yeah
Ooh-wah, ooh-wah
cool, cool kitty
Tell us about the boy
from New York City
He's really down
And he's no clown
Yeah, yeah
He has
the finest penthouse
I've ever seen
in town
Yeah, yeah
And he's cute
In his
mohair suit...
That'll be $12.36.
And he keeps
his pockets
Full of spending
loot...
Wow! a hundred.
Ooh-wah, ooh-wah,
come on kitty
Tell us about the boy
from New York City...
Excuse me, sir.
I hope you had
a very pleasant
shopping experience.
Yeah.
Good!
Here's a form for
our suggestion box.
If there's
anything you want
that we don't have,
just let us know.
Arugula.
I haven't had arugula
in six weeks.
What's that?
It's a vegetable.
Car 274 to headquarters.
Car 274 to headquarters.
Male subject apprehended
driving stolen green Chrysler.
Hannah, we've got
a grand theft
auto for you.
Let me at him.
He makes the hairs on
the back of my neck
stand up.
On the back
of your neck?
Yes.
That has never
happened to me.
I've never been
interested in anyone,
unless I know...
He's a college
graduate.
Yes.
OK, that probably seems
quite comical to you.
Fine.
suit yourself.
I did...And look
where it got me.
Tod Wilkinson,
I'm Hannah Stubbs.
I'm the assistant
district attorney.
How you
two girls doing?
What robbery?
I borrowed
a guy's car.
He gave you the keys.
Is that correct?
He was supposed to
leave them in the car.
But he didn't.
Right.
If he'd left them,
I wouldn't have had
to jump-start it.
How do you know
how to do that?
I learned it
in the army.
I was in the motor pool,
and everyone
lost their keys.
The entire United States
army wouldn't have moved
if I hadn't
jump-started it.
And it came in handy
on several occasions--
jump-starting ambulances
in order to get invalids
to the dialysis
machines.
What was
the name of, um...
What was his name?
Eddie.
Eddie what?
I don't know.
He drives a blue Nova.
You weren't
in a blue Nova.
It was a green Chrysler.
Oh. well,
that explains it.
I jump-started
the wrong car.
I was in a hurry.
I was on my way
to church
to say some novenas
for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving isn't
a catholic holiday.
Thanksgiving is very big
with the Italians.
Turkey cacciatore,
sweet potato parmigian--
there is no such thing
as Thanksgiving in Italy!
It's an American holiday.
And I've been to Italy--
to Florence, right?
Yes.
Ever been to Sicily,
by any chance?
No.
Thanksgiving
is very big in Sicily
on account of the large
number of Sicilians
who went to America
and then got thrown
back out.
There were two cases of
liquor in the back seat.
People drink too much.
Those two cases of liquor
were reported stolen
from Kelly's liquor
on fifth street
earlier today.
You're kidding me.
I accidentally borrowed
the wrong car
of a guy who stole some
liquor earlier today?
The car you stole
belongs to the reverend
Malcolm Dickenson.
He is the minister of
the presbyterian church
here in Fryburg!
Are you sure
he's a minister?
One of my best friends
makes his living
as a completely
phony minister.
For 2 bucks, I can
make you a minister.
Some guys
steal your money,
but these guys,
they steal your heart.
Now? can you see him?
What's the license number?
- Ma'am?
- E-N-4--
down the hall,
one flight up
to your left.
- Thank you.
- E-n-4.
Call me Vinnie.
It says here
your name's Tod.
Barney Coopersmith, FBI.
Hannah Stubbs of the
district attorney's office.
What's going on, Vinnie?
You've got phony ministers
stealing liquor.
Make me a minister.
I'll go undercover,
infiltrate them.
We'll nail all these--
what have you got?
Grand Theft Auto.
felony theft.
Where's the car
we gave you?
If I knew, I wouldn't
have borrowed the other.
We're arraigning him.
No, you're not.
We most certainly are.
This man is in the
federal witness program.
He's under the
protection of the FBI.
What are you doing?
Just looking. Cute kids.
Thank you.
- Baseball fans?
- Yes.
That's your husband?
Not anymore.
Come on, Vinnie.
Let's go.
You're
a good-looking girl,
except for
those army shoes.
No wonder he split.
Come on.
You ought to get a pair
of nice high heels.
Spectator pumps,
I think they're called.
Where are you going?
This man is a member
of an organized
crime family.
It's a stereotype,
and I resent it.
He has to testify
at two major mob trials
in New York in the
immediate future,
so therefore you are not
going to arraign him
for anything tomorrow.
Now, wait just a minute.
This is not a dump site
for the toxic waste
of criminal America.
That's my last mint.
Spit that out!
Spit that out and
return it to this woman!
Bring him back here!
This man is
much more important
than a couple
of petty larcenies.
That's your opinion.
You don't live here.
If I did, it would
be comforting to know
a narrow-minded fanatic
is looking out
for this community.
Oh, really?
Oh, really?
"Oh, really"?
Do better than that.
You're going
to lose the argument.
Stay out of this.
How long have you
been in this job,
two weeks?
Go to hell!
Just go to hell!
Way to go!
What if he promises
not to do it again?
Tell her you won't.
I didn't do anything
in the first place,
which is what I was
trying to explain.
I am not happy
about this!
Lady, this is justice
department policy.
Well, they're wrong.
They're wrong,
and I'm right.
Let me ask you something.
Have you ever been wrong
about anything?
Yes. once.
The shoes, right?
The shoes are tragic.
Creep.
Disgusting,
revolting, creep!
I thought he was cute.
Not that one.
The other one.
Listen carefully,
fluffy,
'cause I'm only
saying this once.
Tommy and I are going
down to grandma's house
for Thanksgiving
with dad.
Remember dad?
Yeah, he used
to live here.
We're going to be back
on Sunday night, though.
Promise you won't flush
him down the toilet?
I can't promise anything.
Mom!
I promise.
Come here.
You scared me.
So what's up?
What are you doing
today, mom?
I'm working.
Just as well you're going.
I wouldn't be here
anyway.
Do you still
love our dad?
No, but I still
love you.
"And your dad loves you.
That's all that
really matters."
Mm-hmm.
Hey, everybody ready?
Hi, dad.
Hi.
Now go on.
Have a good time.
We'll talk about this
when you get back Sunday.
Bye, mom.
Bye, mom.
Hi, dad.
Let's go!
Love you, mom!
Will?
You shouldn't just
walk in here
like you still
live here.
I'm supposed
to ring the doorbell
in my own house?
This is not
your house anymore.
I don't live here,
but it's mine.
He made me drink.
I'm drinking in solitary.
Look at me.
I-I'm cleaning
in solitary.
Of course, you always
clean in solitary.
There's nothing
new in that,
but still, drinking,
muttering to myself,
compulsively scrubbing.
Oh!
Oh!
I don't like this,
Kirby. Really.
The guy's hanging
around a bar.
He's looking to buy
stolen credit cards.
Could be a major
criminal conspiracy.
I don't know.
We go undercover.
We blow this thing
out of the water.
Who made you undercover?
I did.
It doesn't work
that way.
This is your
big chance.
These aren't
the good ones.
They got a limit.
They don't all
have limits.
They might not
be valid.
They're good.
I just got them
from the post office.
I work
at the post office.
I don't know
your name, though.
My name is
Tod Wilkinson.
Mrs. Stubbs!
Hey, Mrs. Stubbs!
We got one!
We got us a criminal.
No, we don't.
We got us a criminal
we already had.
Mrs. Stubbs!
As I live and breathe.
It's me, Vinnie.
I know who you are.
I just met you.
Oh! oh, darn it.
Brand-new shoes.
No, these are
old shoes.
It's a miracle
they lasted
as long
as they did.
There could be a transfer
of stolen goods
happening
before our eyes.
Don't be an idiot.
What's with you lately?
I'll take care of this.
Go home to your wife
and family.
Hey, you can drive away.
I won't follow you.
I have another
errand to run,
if you don't mind.
I don't mind.
It'll give me a chance
to thank you
for what you did
the other day,
the worst day
of my life.
That's hard to believe.
It's Thanksgiving.
I'm in a community
where I know no one
but my bartender.
My wife,
god rest her soul,
died three years ago
to the day.
I'm sorry to hear that,
but that's no excuse
for criminal behavior.
Like your shoes,
it's a miracle she lasted
as long as she did.
Aw, jeez!
Look at these guys.
Look how cute they are.
Look at them frolic
like this.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Stubbs.
I miss my dog, too.
They made me leave
my dog behind.
They wouldn't let you
take your dog?
He only answered
to his name.
What was his name?
Fungole.
Oh!
Need some help?
Yes. I would like
a water turtle,
and this gentleman
is interested in a dog.
Look at this guy.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Hey, hey, hey.
Boo, boo, boo.
I'm not really.
It'll be a long time
before I can even be
with another dog.
What are you doing?
All right.
Oh, god.
I wish I could remember
what the other one
looked like.
The turtle died,
and you're going to pass
another turtle off
as the dead turtle,
right?
Right.
Trust me.
They all look alike.
That one.
Pretty bird.
Pretty bird.
Polly want a cracker.
It don't say
Polly want a cracker.
What do it say?
You're under arrest.
I once knew a guy
had a parrot said that.
Yeah?
$2.04 with tax.
Is that correct?
Right.
Thank you very much.
You're under arrest.
I'm going to stay
and get me a new dog.
Excellent. I'm
very happy for you.
You dirty rat.
Snitch!
Stool pigeon.
Informer.
Squealer.
You dirty rat.
I already said
you dirty rat.
Yeah, but I
say it better.
Johnny bird!
I thought you was dead.
That was
the general idea.
Billy Sparrow.
Tod Wilkinson.
Ooh, that's
a good one.
Who's the dame?
As assistant D.A.
I recently made
the acquaintance of.
They picked you up?
Misdemeanor.
They don't have
misdemeanors here.
They just have felonies.
Where's Linda?
She couldn't take it.
Jeez, I'm glad
to see you.
I was feeling so...
Alone.
You're not alone.
You are really
not alone.
Toot, toot!
Barney! Barney,
what a day.
What a great day!
What are you
doing here, Vinnie?
What am I doing here?
I live here.
I live here.
We got to talk.
What's the matter?
You seem down.
I'm not down.
You look depressed.
I'm going to take you
and buy you a drink.
I'm going to buy you
a flying zombo.
That'll cheer you up.
I got to talk to you.
I'm with you.
I have a job, OK?
I'm with you.
My job's to protect
and safeguard you
so you can testify
at two major trials
that'll send
people to jail
who are significantly
more important than you.
I'm with you.
When you testify,
they'll attempt
to destroy
your credibility.
Getting into
trouble here
makes it easier for them
to tear you down.
I'm with you.
You cannot commit
credit card fraud.
Who says I did?
Yo, Tod.
Hey, how you doing?
We have pictures of it.
I'm trying to tell you,
I'm with you.
When I say
I'm with you,
I don't mean it
like an expression.
I mean,
I'm with you.
I'm with the government.
I'm undercover.
Who made you undercover?
I did.
It doesn't work
that way.
I'm ready to testify.
He'll go to jail.
I don't want you
to testify.
I want you to keep
your nose clean.
Capeece?
You trying to say
capisce?
Yeah.
Well, don't do it,
because it hurts my ears
when you do it.
Just out of curiosity,
where's your wife?
She, uh...
Got the chicken pox.
It's terrible.
She's in the hospital.
Really?
Did you tell somebody
she was dead?
Who told you this?
OK, OK.
Maybe I said it.
She left me, Barney.
Walked out the door.
Yeah, well, my wife
left me, too.
When did this happen?
In October.
That's when
mine broke up.
What is it
about October?
I don't know.
The pressure of Halloween?
You never know
what to go as.
That cute D.A.
That's who I told.
Hey, you and her maybe?
Better chance
of you and her
than me and her.
No, not my type.
I like them
a little, uh...
I don't know.
Kind of dirty
or something.
You ought to
take her out.
You ought to marry her.
I'm still married.
A guy in Reno
will marry you
even if you're married.
I'll arrange it.
Don't arrange anything.
Don't do anything.
Just lay low until
we get through New York.
Stay out of trouble.
I'm with you.
What's this?
Oh.
Surprise!
Surprise!
Rocco Bamonte!
Peter Baker.
Peter Baker?
That's fantastic.
Richie Paolucci.
No, no, no.
Michael Peterson.
I was your pallbearer.
I appreciate it, Vinnie.
Vinnie!
Nicky the fish!
What are you
doing here?
It's great
to see you, Vin.
Hey!
Dino!
how are you, Dino?
Boy, Vinnie,
you look good.
I can't believe this.
What the frig is this?
A popover.
There's nothing in it.
Last week I drove
43 miles to a restaurant
I heard had good
marinara sauce.
How was it?
Please.
This is where you go
when you die.
Everything's so clean.
Everybody's so nice.
Good we're not broke,
or we'd be miserable.
I'm broke.
But you get your check
every week
from the government,
right?
How long you think
you get your check?
Forever.
Yeah?
Here's to forever.
What are you saying?
Read the fine print.
They only send you
the check
till you testify.
Then they actually
expect you
to go to work.
Bastards.
Creeps.
What the hell?
We should
go into business.
There's enough of us
to start a crime wave.
Hold it.
Come on, come on.
Bring it in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hijacking.
See you guys later.
Good night, Vinnie.
Take care, Vin.
Have a good one,
Vinnie.
Now, Vin, remember,
no speeding!
Watch yourself.
OK, boys,
back to work.
We are not accusing you
of anything but speeding
at the moment,
Mr. Wilkinson,
but I'd like to know
about the items
in your trunk.
Which items?
Well, let's start with
the cassette players.
I don't know anything
about cassette players.
There were 40 of them
in your trunk.
Oh. a guy I know
won those in a contest.
They were part
of a shipment
hijacked
four days ago.
Oh, that's terrible.
And the swordfish?
I know this guy.
His whole life
is fishing,
but he caught
too many fish,
so he asked me,
would I keep
some fish in my freezer,
but I don't have
room in my freezer
on account of
another guy I know
giving me
a side of beef.
So he put the fish
in my trunk
while the weather's cold,
unbeknownst to me.
Mr. Wilkinson...
Put the ball away
and sit down!
The books.
You got something
against books?
I have nothing
against books.
I'm curious
about the books
in your trunk.
You see, I was thinking
of writing my story,
so I bought this book
on how to do it.
Why do you need
25 copies?
In case I want to
read it more than once.
I'm sure it will come
as no surprise to you
to learn these books
were part of a shipment
that was hijacked
yesterday.
No!
Yes!
Mr. Wilkinson--
how's the turtle,
Mrs. Stubbs?
Fine, thank you.
Did your kids figure out
you switched turtles?
I know it would be
a major disappointment
for them to find out.
Did you have a warrant?
Know what
this lady did?
She whacked the turtle--
this man appears
to have been
in at least three
major hijackings,
based on what we
found in his trunk.
Did you have a warrant
to search his trunk?
No.
Didn't even have
probable cause.
You had no right
to search.
Probable cause.
Jefferson put that
in the constitution.
Not for you.
I'm exactly who
he put it in for.
I admire your zeal.
Don't patronize me.
I'm the worst-case scenario
of Jefferson's dreams.
This way.
Presumably, the statute
of limitations
will not have run out--
I've been thinking
of advising this man
to get involved
with you,
but I'm afraid
I can't,
because
you're losing
your sense of humor.
You can't touch him.
I can, too.
If you ever had
a sense of humor.
After you testify,
all bets are off.
Everybody thinks
they're humorous,
but they're not.
You commit so much
as a misdemeanor,
I'll throw
the book at you.
OK, here's a test.
What's the difference
between a light bulb
and a pregnant woman?
What?
You can unscrew
a light bulb.
See? no sense
of humor whatsoever.
Care for something
to drink, ma'am?
No, thanks.
Something
to drink, sir?
Let me borrow
that pen again.
What can I get
you gentlemen
to drink today?
Ginger ale for me.
Two double scotches,
please.
We're only allowed
to sell you two drinks.
Two double scotches
would be four drinks.
I see.
All right,
how about this?
Sell me
my double scotch
and my friend
his double scotch.
Instead of putting his
on his tray,
put it on mine,
and I'll pay for both.
You look fantastic
in red and blue...Pam.
All right, then.
That'll be $12.
OK, and, uh...
Keep the change, please.
We're not allowed
to accept tips.
Not allowed
to accept tips.
So your change is $8.00.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can I get you
something, ma'am?
Would you like
something to drink?
Bye.
You tip
a flight attendant?
I tip everybody.
That's my philosophy.
See, actually, it's not
tipping I believe in.
It's overtipping.
I think this is
the kind of thing
people would
like to know.
Give me that pen again.
American airlines
flight 550
for San Francisco
is now boarding...
Vinnie,
tomorrow morning
you'll be seeing
the prosecutors.
Tomorrow morning
I have an appointment
with my tailor.
You're going over
testimony.
Gaetano's expecting me
at 10:00.
The next day
you'll testify,
after which
we'll go back.
Don't let anyone
know who you are
or that
you're in town.
You'll telephone
no one.
If anyone looks like
they know you...
Vinnie!
Vinnie!
Welcome home!
We love you, Vinnie!
Welcome home, Vinnie!
I don't believe this!
Are you crazy?
Nobody knows
I'm here but them.
Shh!
Shh!
Mama.
Vincenzo.
Undo my cuffs so I can
hug my own mother.
I can't do that.
Don't make me look
like a criminal
in front of my mother.
Mama.
Mama.
Oh, mama.
Mama.
Mio bambino.
Mama.
Barney.
Hey, hey, hey,
mama, mama, mama.
I thought Wankel invented
the rotary engine.
Vinnie?
Vinnie?
Vinnie!
Vaca.
Where the hell
where you all night?
These little town blues
Are melting away
Vinnie, we're late.
We have an appointment
downtown.
You see what I mean?
Tragic.
Barney, take a look
at the two of us.
Take a look.
You see,
we don't match.
You dress like this,
you attract
attention to me.
That's dangerous.
Wait till
you see this.
Wow. the worst.
It's a pair
of socks.
Just try something
different.
Vinnie, I'm not
interested in this.
Of course you're not.
We know this.
If you were interested,
we wouldn't be having
this conversation.
No wonder
your wife left you.
She didn't leave me
because of my socks.
The wardrobe is a symbol
of how you are.
Now what do you think?
Barney, listen to me.
It's very hard
for a human being
to change.
I am an expert on this.
So, sometimes
in order for a human
being to change,
you have to change
from the outside in.
Wow!
You look
beautiful.
Come on.
Tomorrow,
as the provolone trial
continues,
the U.S. attorney's office
is expected to call
Vincent Antonelli,
one of the chief
lieutenants to Gazzo
until September,
when he entered the federal
witness protection program.
Look how young I look
in that picture.
What do you want
from room service?
Nothing.
You got to eat
something.
What I want
is Linguini at Bruno's.
A little Linguini,
a little scungilli.
I'll get you
some Italian food.
You think
I like hotel rooms?
I'd like to order
room service.
Room 606.
Do you have
any Italian food?
What does that
Italian dressing
come on, salad?
OK, I'll take one.
Do you have pasta?
Macaroni and cheese.
OK, I'll take
one of those.
What's this chicken
volavent?
Can you make that
without the silky
cream sauce?
I just want it
in a flaky pastry.
OK, fine. Then--
what are you doing?
I'm wrinkling
your jacket
like you're
wrinkling your pants.
What? why?
You bought a $1,200 suit.
You hang up the jacket,
but lay around in your pants.
You're wrinkling the pants.
Give me your pants.
I'll hang them up.
What happens, the pants
go to the dry cleaners
more than the jacket.
You end up with a suit
that doesn't match.
I'll use
the pressing machine.
Order me
the macaroni and cheese,
and get one of those
little bottles of wine.
I don't want
to drink too much.
Will I need change?
No. No.
They'll have change there.
I'll be back
in about five minutes, OK?
Vinnie!
Vinnie!
Vinnie!
We open up
the truck.
What is there
but 6,000 watches?
I think,
great, 6,000 watches.
What I don't realize
is that each watch
is worth 10 grand.
Now do
your multiplication.
May I
help you, sir?
I'm meeting somebody.
Vinnie!
$60 million
would buy the bar.
Eddie, make me a drink
you made the night
Mary was shot.
I think it was
a bloody Mary.
Psst! Vinnie.
Who's that?
Come here.
It's Louie!
Louie Vinchenzi
from San Francisco.
What are you doing here?
This man's so fast,
he doesn't wear pants.
It slows him down.
How was she?
Give me the suit.
I can't believe
you did this--
a $1,200 suit
on my credit card.
Do you want to have a good time
or sit in the hotel and look
at green carpeting?
18% on my credit card.
I'll be paying it off
the rest of my life.
Champagne
for everybody?
What
a fantastic guy.
I could've
bought a new car.
Don't get him mad.
I can't believe
you did this.
Let's go.
Right now.
This is my territory.
Back to the motel.
I want to show you
something.
You see those guys?
Yes, I do.
If they find out
you're FBI,
we have a problem.
So, what'll it be,
the motel and TV
or drinking
and girls?
Know what
I noticed about you?
You never look them
in the eye.
Who?
Girls. you're
a good-looking guy.
You're a better-looking
guy than I am,
but I always
look them in the eye.
Therefore, I'll always
get laid more than you,
which is fundamentally
unjust, am I right?
You're into justice.
This argument
should appeal to you.
Come here.
What?
Leave your celery.
Hiya, girls.
How ya doing?
My name's Vinnie.
What's your name?
Angie.
What's your name?
Marie.
Marie, meet
my brother-in-law Barney.
He invented
that valve doohickey
on the artificial heart.
Don't ask me
to explain it.
Barney. what
a great name.
They always say that.
Look her
right in the eye.
Hi, Marie.
Hi, Barney.
What do you say
we all dance?
Oh, Vinnie, no.
I'd rather not.
I want to dance.
Do a little merengue
for us.
Merengue.
all right.
Don't take it easy
on her. Let's go.
Yeah
Pull it up.
Pump up.
What are you doing?
You're too stiff.
You're slouching.
Stand up like this.
Buckle your knees
a little.
Move your hips.
Hey, Barney.
Put your hand here
like this.
Ohh.
Do it.
Now watch this.
Do it.
Do it.
La merengue
Ioye!
Asi, mami, asi
Suave, suave
yeah
Suave, suave
Ay, mama, ay...
Vinnie!
Aah!
aah!
Hey, Barney.
Yeah, Vinnie?
Where'd you learn
to shoot like that?
In the bureau.
Really?
Yeah.
You saved my life.
You saved my life.
We're in each
other's debt forever.
That's so great.
Good night,
Vinnie.
Good night, Barney.
And what happened then,
Mr. Antonelli?
Mr. Capelli
left the room.
Did Mr. Gazzo
say anything
at this point?
Mr. Gazzo said,
"kill the fart."
I apologize,
your honor,
but that's
what he said.
To whom was he speaking?
Sonny, Frankie,
Richie, Al--
the guys
who were there.
Then they had
a little eggplant
Benny's mother made.
She puts capers in,
which I think's
a mistake.
Then they killed
Nicky Capelli.
One behind the ear
with a.22.
Richie loved
to use.22s.
The bullets
are small
and don't come out
the other end
like a.45.
A.45 will blow
a barn door
out your head.
Lots of dry-cleaning
involved.
A.22 will just
rattle around
like Pac-Man
until you die.
Thank you,
Mr. Antonelli.
You're welcome.
Your witness.
Mr. Antonelli,
where exactly
do you live?
Nowhere.
Objection.
Mr. Levine knows
perfectly well
the witness is unable
to answer that question.
I withdraw
the question.
Aren't you currently
in the federal witness
protection program?
Yes.
You're living
somewhere in America
under government
protection.
You agreed to testify
against Mr. Gazzo.
In exchange
for this testimony,
you've been given immunity,
a nice house,
and a weekly paycheck.
That correct?
That's not all I get.
Perhaps you could
enlighten the jury
as to what else
the government's giving you
in exchange
for this testimony.
Sure.
I get to never see
my parents again
or my loved ones.
I get to live
in a place...
It's OK.
Don't get me wrong.
The air is clean.
The people are nice.
But for a guy
like me,
who was raised
on the sidewalks
of a city
that never sleeps,
it's a living hell.
There were times
I thought of
giving it up,
particularly when
my wife left me.
They gave us
a nice house
with flowers
in front.
It made her sick.
But I made a deal
with the government
to tell the truth.
If you think
I'm saying
what I'm saying
about Mr. Gazzo
killing Nicky
only because
of the deal,
you got a point,
but it's still
the truth.
What's the difference
between a light bulb
and a pregnant woman?
I don't know.
You can unscrew
a light bulb.
Michelle, a drink here
for my friend.
Oh, I couldn't possibly.
Have a Brandy.
Monks make it.
Vinnie, we'll have
to work so hard
next time
we come to New York
so it won't
be a letdown
after this trip.
What a fabulous time
I had.
Although
I got to admit,
it will be good
to get back home.
Barney,
I've been thinking.
It doesn't
make any sense
for you to have a problem
with that D.A.
Get off my back
about the D.A.
I'm not talking
about romance.
I'm talking in general.
Why make war
with the D.A.?
You're out of your mind,
especially
in your line of work.
So, when you get back,
you oughta
try and make peace
with her,
a little gesture
to show you're friendly.
Why make war?
I mean, that's
my philosophy anyway.
That's my philosophy.
Hi, Mr. Wilkinson.
Hi, Mr. Wilkinson.
Hi, kids.
How ya doing?
Hi, Tod.
Hi, Debbie.
Hi, Brodie.
What a day
for a mow, huh?
Hey, tiger.
Where'd you get
that jacket?
You look sharp.
Hey, baby.
Way to go,
Coopersmith.
Coopersmith.
Good morning, sir.
You could use a little
help yourself.
Who gave me this?
Hi, kids.
My name is Tod.
I'm a friend
of your mom's
from the office.
I'm Jamie.
I'm Tommy.
What are you
doing here?
We have to leave
right away.
Otherwise we'll
miss batting practice.
Let's go.
Hey, we can't go.
We can't go.
Why not?
Of course
you can.
Now parking's
always a problem
at the stadium,
so I've taken
the Liberty,
if you
don't mind,
of hiring
a limousine.
A limo!
Oh, yes!
Where is it?
Does it have a TV?
Awesome.
Rad.
Oh, yes!
We can't possibly.
Oh, mom.
Why not?
Please, mom.
Yeah, please.
Come on.
Oh, thank you.
Yes!
If everybody
had an ocean
Across the USA
Then everybody'd
be surfin'
Like Califor-ni-a...
Hey, mom. Vodka.
Put that away now.
Hey, you
got any vodka?
Put your
seat belts on.
Hey, you don't have
to put them on in this.
Hot dogs!
These good seats or what?
Here's
a program for you.
You keep track
of everything.
Never take your wallet out
at the ball game.
Didn't your mother
teach you this?
No.
Put this away.
How many hot dogs
do we want, two each?
Real men
always have two.
OK, and two
for your mother.
I don't want
a hot dog.
She's probably
on a diet.
My wife
was always on a diet.
My mother used to say,
be careful
of women on diets.
They're always
in a bad mood.
She was right, too.
My wife
walked out on me.
I thought
your wife died.
I only wish.
2, 4, 6 hot dogs, please.
Keep the change.
Remember this section.
Pass one to your mom.
Barney Coopersmith,
what a coincidence.
What do you mean?
You invited me.
It's an expression.
You sit next to her.
Everything doesn't
have to be a war
with you
J. Edgar hoover types.
Hi.
Hi.
The reason you never
take your wallet out
at a ball game
or anyplace else
is that someone's
gonna steal it from you.
When you
wave your wallet around,
they watch
where you put it.
When you get up
to go to the bathroom,
they follow you in
and use a bumper.
They always
use a bumper.
Bump into your brother.
This is how it works.
Feel anything?
Look at this.
So always
protect your wallet.
O'er the ramparts
we watched
Were so gallantly
streaming
Play ball!
Yeah.
Play ball.
Padres! padres!
Padres! padres!
Padres! padres!
Padres! padres!
What?
He was safe.
Nice day, huh?
Take me out
to the ball game
Take me out
with the crowd
Buy me
some peanuts...
That's it!
That was awesome.
Yeah, how about that?
You kids
play baseball?
We play in the field
behind the mall.
I know that field.
It's in bad condition.
Every time it rains,
it gets all yucky.
A dome
is what you need.
The first little league
in America with a dome.
You ought
to raise money for it.
It's a cocktail party
for law-enforcement
personnel
in the San Diego area.
If you'd like
to come with me.
Yes.
I would.
I'll call you.
You know, it's dangerous
for you to be here
in the frozen food
section.
Why is that?
Because you could
melt all this stuff.
Ahh.
By the way,
my name's
Shaldeen.
Hiya, Shaldeen.
What's yours?
My name's Tod.
Tod. that's
a beautiful name.
It's Italian for...
Extra special.
Hello.
Barney,
how ya doing?
What's going on,
Vinnie?
I'm in Reno.
I just got married.
Got what?
Married.
Say hello
to Shaldeen.
Shaldeen,
say hello to Barney.
Hi, Barney.
Hi, Shaldeen.
Put Vinnie
back on, please.
Sure, bye.
Love her or what?
I don't understand.
You're already married.
I didn't marry her
under my real name.
I said, Vinnie,
you're already married.
He said, don't worry.
I didn't marry her
under my real name.
You're not going
to book him for bigamy?
Hannah doesn't find him
as funny as I do.
I see
that it's funny.
I have
a sense of humor.
Of course you have.
Everyone
thinks they have,
even people who don't.
You look nice.
Thanks.
Do you want to dance?
I'm a terrible dancer.
So am I,
but I can do
the merengue.
They're not playing
the merengue.
They will.
Thank you.
1, 2.
She's a therapist.
He owns a lumberyard.
She left me for one
of her patients.
He left me for someone
I carpooled with.
Jamie, the 9-year-old,
is the serious one.
That's how it is
with brothers.
One's serious,
the other's funny.
Like with me
and my brother.
You're the serious one.
I'm the funny one.
Really.
She moved
to Wichita.
I haven't
seen her since.
I see him constantly.
He walks into the house
without even knocking.
Would you like
to come in
for some coffee
or something?
Well, if it won't
wake up the kids.
The kids
are at my mother's.
Your kids
are at your mother's?
Good morning!
Guys!
Hiya.
Hey.
Oh!
You want to come
into this house,
you ring
the damn bell!
I'm sorry.
Do you mind getting
the door, please?
Thank you.
Oh!
Aah!
Oh! ooh!
You've chosen
the right agent, sir.
Barney, I've got you
the assignment
of your dreams!
You're going
undercover, buddy.
Congratulations.
We're launching a major
sting operation tomorrow.
Step into my parlor.
At 1300 hours.
your watches, men.
We get
to be Canadians!
I still have the witness
to look after
until he appears in court.
He has one more
court appearance.
When?
In three weeks.
This is a very
important assignment.
You'll be out for
as long as it takes--
four weeks, eight weeks,
however long.
I'll make sure someone's
assigned to your witness.
I assume that he'll
stay out of trouble
in the meantime,
Coopersmith?
He just fell
in love, sir.
You know how it is
when you fall in love.
Sir?
Undercover!
Undercover.
You can't even call?
We'll be stashed away.
You can't use the phone
for anything that's
not related to the job.
Someone could be
tapping the phone.
You could jeopardize
the entire investigation.
But you just got here.
OK, fellas,
this is it.
Let's go!
You're Harry Redleaf,
and you're Dicky Thorson.
You're from Vancouver,
and you're in town
to buy stolen goods
from a major
hijacking ring.
They'll contact you
when they're ready
to fence their goods.
When will that be?
Not today. It will be
whenever it will be.
So, me and Barney
just sit here waiting?
That's right.
It will be
much easier
if you start
calling each other
Harry and dicky.
So, dicky and me just
sit here waiting?
I hate that name.
I really hate that name!
Have a nice day
at the office, honey.
See you later,
darling.
Bye, honey.
Jesus,
look at this shit!
Oh, look at this rain!
Bring it back here,
Epstein!
Back it up!
Pull it a little
to the left,
just a little bit!
Take it easy!
That's it, hold it!
Ah, what the hell
is this?
Where are
the stereos?
How are we going
to fence this shit?
Guys,
what do you got?
We got two
big spenders in town.
We got nothing
to sell them.
What the hell are we
supposed to do with these?
How many of these
we got?
See, you guys
see a problem.
I see potential.
Have a nice day.
How you doing?
Would you mind us
leaving
this bottle here
to raise money
for the Fryburg
little league?
Huh. not at all.
Have a nice day.
Hiya, kids!
I'll see you next week.
Lost track of how long
we've been in here.
Give me some idea.
I don't know
what's happening.
We lost contact
temporarily.
What are we
supposed to do?
I'm wasting the best years
of my life.
I got a wife
and a family
I'm not with, dicky.
You don't hear me
complaining.
You call me dicky
one more time,
and I'll kill you.
Thank you.
- Hi, Tod!
- Hi, Tod!
Hiya, Tommy.
Hiya, Jamie.
What's all
that money for?
I don't know.
Race ya!
I'm first, I'm first!
I don't know what kind
I'm getting.
What can I do for you?
I don't know yet.
Got to look around.
That looks
really good.
Take your time.
I'll get
chocolate chip.
Coming up.
Okey-doke.
It's $1.00, right?
Mm-hmm, 1 dollar.
Chocolate chip.
You want the cone
or what?
I changed my mind.
Sorry.
Maybe he'll put in
night lights!
No, he'll put in
a Dome and Astroturf.
Mom, you should've seen
the money in the bottle.
There's like trillions
of dollars.
It was our idea.
Well, not exactly
our idea,
but we told him
how awful the field was.
He might
put in bleachers.
Oh, yeah!
And Astroturf again!
And maybe even
a dome.
All right.
It's the first time
in my life
I try to do something
for someone,
repay my debt
to society,
and you arrest me
for it.
He might be
telling the truth.
It was all
for the community.
I swear
on my mother's life.
Let me do this.
I live here.
This is my home.
For better
or for worse.
I love it here.
And you were going
to give the money
to the community,
weren't you?
Yes. yes!
He was going
to give the money
to the community.
When were you going
to give the money
to the community?
When I had all of it,
obviously.
Listen, Mrs. Stubbs...
Over here.
Against the wall, sir.
I'm a new man.
This is not the old me.
This is the new me.
He seems like a completely
different person.
He seems
totally different.
Anyway, I'm not
your problem.
You have major crime
going on right here
under your nose.
You're wasting
your time with me.
I'm nothing.
I'm small potatoes.
What
I could tell you
about what's
going on around here
if I wanted to,
it's big.
Come on, buddy.
What if he's
telling the truth?
At least listen to him.
OK.
What?
Two of the biggest fences
in north America
are sitting right here
in Fryburg,
ready to make a deal
on everything in town
that isn't nailed down.
They're looking
to buy a ton of swag
and ship it out of here
in boxcars.
Hannah!
Are you trying to make
a deal with me?
I don't know. Am I?
There's no deal
if they're not here.
They're here.
If he said they're here,
they'll be here.
Yeah. Harry Redleaf
and Dicky Thorson.
From Vancouver.
Did I tell you
they were from Vancouver,
or did I tell you
they were from Vancouver?
Let's go.
First left
out the door.
Here you go.
Thank you.
They never
leave the room.
They just sit there
like they waiting
on something.
Did I tell you,
or did I tell you?
What about
male customers
buying things
for their wives?
They all watch
Oprah Winfrey.
Police!
Police!
Police! freeze!
You're under
ar...Rest.
Hannah.
Bastard.
You bastard!
I had no idea!
For once in my life,
I'm telling--
the deal is off!
I'm arresting you
for a scam
moneymaking scheme
to build
a little league park.
And furthermore,
I'm indicting you
under your real name.
Cuff him!
He has to testify in New York
in three days,
but he won't make it
because by tomorrow
this story's
in the newspaper
and every hit man
in America will be here.
I seriously
doubt that.
You want to bet?
I never bet when
I'm sure I'm right.
Presumably you haven't
done much betting,
since you've
only been wrong
once in your life.
Twice.
Hannah.
There you are.
Barney! thank god!
You got to get me
out of this mess!
That's the way it's been
your whole life.
You spill your milk,
and somebody else
cleans it up.
I'm not cleaning up
your mess this time.
Lighten up.
Is that your solution,
that it's
somebody else's problem?
You steal
a little swordfish,
and Hannah
should lighten up?
You pretend to raise money
for the little league,
and the community
should lighten up?
Hannah turns
against me,
and I should
lighten up?
Barney...I've
upset you. I'm sorry.
What kind of jail
is this?
Oh, I don't like
to use this bathroom,
so they let me use
the office bathroom.
Isn't there a guard?
Everything all right,
Vinnie?
Oh, Jimmy, yeah.
No problem. Thanks.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Sit down.
You have a pillow
with your name
embroidered on it?
Yeah, Crystal
made that for me.
It's nice, isn't it?
Hey...
At least you never
got involved with her.
I can't believe
I even suggested it!
Don't you understand,
Vinnie?
I'm in love with Hannah.
And now she hates me,
and it's all your fault.
I'm so pissed at you!
I'm really pissed, OK?
OK.
Why is it my fault?
Because you are a blight
on this community,
and I put you here,
so she blames me.
Barney, I am sorry.
Yeah, right.
I am. Really, I am.
I owe you.
You saved my life
that night
in New York.
I could never shoot
at anyone.
I never touched
a gun in my life.
It doomed me forever
to middle management,
and that's the truth.
I should do something.
What could I do?
Vinnie,
don't do anything.
Please,
stop doing things.
I have to make
a phone call.
Now what?
I am entitled to
make a phone call,
am I not?
Oh, jailer.
Should I use
the office line
or the coffee room
line?
Our position,
your honor,
is that
we be permitted
to hold Mr. Antonelli
without bail.
Every day
he is on the streets,
he commits a crime.
And while
that may be all right
in places like New York
where people
are used to it,
here in Fryburg,
every citizen is a victim.
Hear, hear!
That's right.
Mr. Coopersmith.
Your honor, speaking
for the federal bureau
of investigation,
our position
is that Mr. Antonelli
must not spend
another night in jail.
He's in danger.
He must be protected
so that he can testify.
We ask
that you Grant bail
and release him
in our custody.
Your honor, this is exactly
what the FBI does.
It pretends this man
is in danger
when no one cares
about him one bit.
There's
all this melodrama,
as if cartoon hit men
in white-on-white ties
are going to walk in
and try to kill him.
Obviously, this is
preposterous scenario,
the sort of
paranoid fantasy that--
duck!
Duck!
Hannah!
Get down, get down!
You OK?
Move! go to the stand!
I got to
get out of here.
Follow me.
Get going,
Coopersmith!
Vinnie!
ah, where is he? Vinnie!
It's all right,
everybody!
They're gone!
Use my car.
Great.
Oh, take my keys.
Thanks.
Take my gun.
Wow.
You saved my life.
I'm in your debt
forever.
That's how it works.
Take me!
Get in.
Just pretend
I'm your hostage.
I can't believe it.
You're actually
building this.
Yo, Vinnie!
Yo, look at this!
Hey, Dino,
Nicky, Benny!
Looking good!
Looking good!
Oh, mom!
Guess what he built.
I know.
OK, hold on a sec.
It's so awesome.
Hannah, Hannah!
Isn't he wonderful?
Why didn't
you say anything
about this ball park
when I arrested you?
What, and ruin
the surprise?
You didn't say anything
about this ball park
because there
was nothing to say.
You arranged
all this from jail
to avoid prosecution
for embezzlement.
Now that hurts.
Because this was
my intention
from the very
beginning.
The children needed
a ball park,
and I responded.
See...
I know how it feels
to be disappointed.
When I was 7 years old--
no, 8--
all I wanted
for Christmas
was a new red bicycle.
My favorite uncle,
uncle alfresco,
swore to me that he would
buy me that bicycle.
I counted the days
until Christmas.
5:00, Christmas morning,
I run down--
all right.
Nobody move.
This is just between
Vinnie and us.
Guys, I'm in the middle
of an anecdote.
Come here and
nobody gets hurt.
OK, OK.
Come on, kids,
move back.
And everybody just
get out of the way!
Take Vincent!
Go, Vinnie!
Aah!
All right, freeze!
Hold it right there!
Nice action.
Thanks.
I thought--
I lied.
Now, where was I?
Oh, yes.
5:00, Christmas morning,
I run downstairs
and look under the tree,
and what do I find?
Uncle alfresco dead
on the floor,
shot through the back
of the head.
Plus, no bicycle.
It was a disappointing
Christmas
on many levels.
So you can accuse me
of many things.
But never for one moment
did I intend to rip off
these beautiful children.
Isn't that right,
Barney?
Yeah. Vinnie told me
about this little league
thing months ago.
And the only reason
I didn't say
anything about it
was 'cause it was supposed
to be a surprise
for the kids.
Do you expect me
to believe this?
Yes, I do.
How about it?
Nice.
Very nice.
Hey, hey!
Now, when you guys
are laying this sod,
remember,
green side up.
Green side up.
OK.
Hey, Crystal, I want
to show you this.
Now, what's going
to happen here...
Fresh peanuts!
Get ice-cold soda!
Hot dogs!
Car radios!
Peanuts! peanuts!
CDs!
Get your
cannolis, zeppoli,
veal cutlet hero!
Get the new best-seller,
how I got here--
adventures in a life
of crime and punishment.
Autographed
by the criminal himself.
Are you going
to read it or buy it?
I can't believe I'm back
in this crummy town.
I must be working out
some screwed-up Karma.
Who would've thought
we'd each have two
husbands in a row
who were in the federal
witness program?
You know,
this lawn reminds--
here, sweetie.
Let's have a good game.
Hey, umpire.
Yeah?
I got a little
proposition to make you.
The Fryburg turtles...
They're going
to win, hmm?
Hmm?
And now,
Fryburg city council's
man of the year,
Mr. Vincent Antonelli,
will throw out
the first ball.
Hey, all right,
all right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hey, come here, kids.
Come on, come.
Whoa, look at these guys!
Looking good! Whoa!
Huh? how about that, huh?
Whoa!
Merengue!
Oh!
My boy Vinnie!
Oh, good boy!
Hey, yeah!
Ooh! ohh!
Yes!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Hey, Crystal,
how's our little one?
Turtles all the way!
Play ball!
You know,
sometimes I even
amaze myself.
When whippoorwills call
And evening is nigh
I hurry to my
Blue heaven
You turn to the right
You find a little
bright light
That leads you to my
Blue heaven
You'll find
a cozy place
A fireplace
A cozy room
A little nest
That nestles
where the roses bloom
Just Molly and me
And baby makes three
Be happy in my
Blue heaven
You'll find
a cozy place
A fireplace
A cozy room
A little nest
That nestles
where the roses bloom
Just Molly and me
And baby
makes three...
Captioning made possible by
Warner Bros.
Captioned by the national