My Dad Wrote a Porno (2019) Movie Script
("BOOM"
BY X AMBASSADORS PLAYS)
-This is a celebration!
-Hells yeah!
(SQUEALING)
My feet go
Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom
Walking away from you
I said hey, uh-huh
You can't stop me
'Cause my pain, uh-huh
Is gasoline
I can't wait, no, for nobody
If you break my heart
It's one, two, three
Boom, boom, boom
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-Damn!
Power to the people.
I got a new tattoo
Don't know what to tell you
Got nothing left to prove
High speed go
Zoom, zoom, zoom
Zoom, zoom, zoom
Zoom, zoom, zoom
My feet go
Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom
Hey! I just wanted to take
another look at you.
Walking away from you
Man:
So, take us back
to the beginning, Jamie.
How did this all start?
Um, okay.
So, about four years ago,
um, my life changed forever,
uh, when I got an email
from a guy called
Rocky Flintstone.
It turned out that Rocky
Flintstone was my dad,
and he'd been secretly writing
porn in the garden shed.
The book was called
Belinda Blinked,
and it was horrific.
It was amazing.
It's the best worst book
ever written.
So then my friends,
James and Alice, made me
read it to the whole world.
Jamie:
"Belinda Blinked.
It wasn't a dream.
"The job interviewer had just
asked her to remove her jacket
and silk blouse."
And the books are about a woman
called Belinda Blumenthal,
who shags her way
around the world,
selling pots and pans.
It's one-half erotica,
one-half business manual.
So we started a podcast,
and it went from
a few people listening...
(laughing hysterically):
I can't see anything! Aah!
-(man giggling)
-Oh, no! I wet myself!
...to quite a lot
of people listening.
(audience cheering, whistling)
But we should say,
it's not a sexy book.
Morton:
"As Belinda groaned,
the duchess hummed,
"watching her perspiring
pussy meat."
-(Levine laughs)
-Cooper: Ack!
Rocky's metaphors are unique.
Morton:
Her nipples were now as large
as the three-inch rivets
- which had held the hull of
the fateful Titanic together.
-(laughter)
And he has zero concept
of the female body.
-Morton:
"He grabbed her cervix..."
-(Cooper gasps)
Levine:
He's gonna kill her.
Honestly, if I wasn't
sat here right now,
I would swear to God
he was a virgin.
I mean, it got so crazy
that people were even talking
about a movie version.
And actual, proper actors
were lining up to play
the characters.
Thomas Middleditch:
I do like the idea
of playing Dr. Robbins.
Rachel Bloom: I feel like
I should put on a fat suit
and play Jim Sterling.
Hayley Atwell:
I'd quite like to play Alfie,
the smallish man.
Nicholas Hoult:
I would go for Adaam.
-I've already spoken
to my agents about it.
-(laughter)
Yeah, it all got
a little bit out of hand.
-My Dad Wrote a Porno.
-My Dad Wrote a Porno.
-My Dad Wrote a Porno.
-My Dad Wrote a Porno.
Michael Sheen:
There are similarities between
your father's work,
and Hamlet.
-Morton: Oh, my God!
-Levine: Look!
-Emma Thompson:
He's a fucking genius.
-(Levine laughs)
Come on!
How else have we got here?
So now, I'm reading
my dad's porn on HBO.
Brilliant.
(audience cheering, applauding)
Announcer:
Live from the Camden
Roundhouse, London,
please welcome Jamie,
James, and Alice.
(audience cheering, whistling)
Woo! All right!
-Woo!
-Woo-hoo!
Woo!
-Morton: Yay!
-Cooper: Yes!
Hi, guys. Um,
my name's Jamie, and...
my dad wrote a porno.
-Levine: It's true.
-Cooper: Yes, he did.
-Morton: He did do--
-(audience cheering)
Thank you, thank you.
It's my hell, but your
entertainment.
Uh, to my dad,
the legend.
Rocky Flintstone.
(audience cheering)
-Levine: What a guy.
-Okay. Okay.
So he wrote these
shit books, right?
And right at the start,
he wrote something
that even he thought
was too shit to include in any
of the Belinda Blinked books.
-So I'm reading that tonight.
-Cooper: Aw, you...
-Morton: Yes, yes.
-(audience cheering)
-What's it about exactly?
What happens?
-Um...
Well, it is a Belinda Blinked
chapter, so it's not about
anything, at all.
-(laughs) Sure.
-But it involves
Belinda Blumenthal,
the international sales director
of Steeles Pots and Pans.
(cheering)
Um, and she basically takes
her regional sales managers
on a kind of
team building away day.
-Um, 'cause, obviously--
- Thank you so much
It's already fantastic
-It's so good.
-'Cause, well,
it's a business book.
So, you know, they're doing
a corporate away day.
Makes absolute sense.
Well, London, are
you ready for this?
(audience cheering, applauding)
(porn groove music playing)
I think we should, uh,
play the drinking game.
-That's a great shout. Yes.
-Yeah? Up for it?
-(audience cheering)
-Levine: We should
establish official rules.
-Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
-Levine: We should probably,
you know...
The official rules.
Okay. Well what about...
You know how Rocky
likes to focus on
unnecessary details,
like, if the camera
was on them, like,
shagging,
-it would slowly zoom
to the curtains.
-(laughing)
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Like, it just focuses
on the most stupid things.
-Distracted. Yes.
-Yeah. Exactly.
So every time there's,
like, an unnecessary
detail, drink.
-Levine: Yeah. Yeah. Agreed.
-Morton: Good, good.
Levine: Okay, uh,
my rule is gonna be...
grammar, bad grammar.
-Morton: Yes. Exactly.
-Um, 'cause I feel like
he does it all afterwards.
-Yeah.
-You know, after the event.
So he'll go through,
a little semicolon,
full stop in there.
Let's put a comma.
Yeah. Apostrophe.
For him, I think a semicolon
is just his work winking back
at him.
-He's like, "You're doing
a great job, Rocky."
-(laughing)
Um, and I think, you know,
if you're only gonna drink
on one of the rules tonight,
uh, everybody must drink
when Belinda blinks.
-Levine: Deal.
-Yes.
Before we start, I just think
there's one thing
-that's really, really
important to just note.
-Yeah.
Whatever we read,
your dad wrote it.
-(audience laughing)
-Looks what's behind me!
-That's gonna haunt me.
-That's as big
as we can manage.
-But I think we should
open the book.
-This thing here.
(audience cheering)
-Dad porn,
dad porn, dad porn.
-(Morton groans)
Okay.
(both giggling)
"Belinda blinked."
-(cheering)
-Morton: Drink!
Start as we mean to go on--
I'm gonna shit-faced.
I can just tell.
Belinda Blinked:
The Lost Chapter.
-"Team Building with the
Regional Sales Managers..."
-Cooper: Yeah!
(audience hoots)
-Semicolon.
-(laughter)
-Levine: Yes.
-It's already started.
Cheers.
On a title.
Yes, Rocky.
"Belinda Blumenthal,
international sales director
of Steeles Pots and Pans,
"turned her Mercedes
into the driveway
"of the secluded
manor house,
"she had hired
for the team building
away day extravaganza..."
-Levine: Whoa!
-"...on the Cornish coast."
-Levine: Oh! Very nice part
of the world, very nice.
-Cooper: It is--
It is a lovely
part of the world,
but it's also about
a seven-hour drive
from London.
-That's true, actually, yeah.
-See, it's a long way
to go for a day.
-Yeah. That's true. And back.
-Morton: Yeah, yeah.
-And back.
Fourteen-hour round trip!
-And back. Yeah.
They're gonna be there
for 10 minutes,
quick shag,
back in the car. Bye!
(laughs)
-"The training guru..."
-Cooper: Guru!
"...she was-- she was pinning
the whole show on was good.
No. Very, very good."
(laughter)
Um, who wants to guess
the name of this guru?
-Cooper: Ooh.
-Anyone? Name. Yeah.
-(woman shouts)
-Veronica. No.
-Man: Electra.
-Electra? Behave.
(audience shouting names)
-Morton and Cooper:
Nancy.
-No.
I feel like this woman's
just lost someone
called Nancy.
-(laughing)
-Nancy!
-Nancy!
-(audience laughs)
-Where the fuck are you?
We're at the wrong show!
-(Morton laughing)
No, I didn't--
I'm sorry, guys,
but I didn't hear it.
-Because...
"Melania was," uh--
-(laughter)
-Cooper: No! Okay.
-Morton: I'm-- I'm joking.
I'm obviously joking.
-Um, no. "Natasha Biles..."
-(Levine laughing)
-Cooper: Okay.
-That's an interesting
choice of surname, isn't it?
-Morton: It is, isn't it?
-Because that's not...
It's not a sexy liquid,
is it? Bile.
-No, it's kind of like
pre-vomit, isn't it?
-Levine: Yeah.
-Acid reflux is essentially--
-That's basically it. Yeah.
"Natasha Biles was
the best in the industry,
and she almost always guaranteed
exceptional results."
(laughing)
"In reality, she herself
was a fiery redhead."
-Oh.
-Alice.
-Cooper: Hello.
-Guilty as charged.
-"Of French extraction,
not the less."
-(audience hoots)
"As it turned out,
she was also the local
female lifeboat member."
-I'm drinking on that.
-I'm drinking on that,
as well.
You don't really want,
you know, to think about
drowning people
-when you're reading porn.
-Yeah. Really. Yeah.
There'll be
a small cross section
of the community that do.
(audience laughing)
So, "As it turned out,
she was also the local
female lifeboat member, so,
"she was equally at home
in a pair of yellow
Wellingtons and oil skins,
as in a team building
businesswoman's uniform."
(laughter)
That is a lot of interesting
sartorial choices
in one sentence.
"With a light heart,
Belinda checked in."
And, sorry. Can I just say,
that's one fucking paragraph.
-(laughter)
-Morton: Look.
There it is. On its own.
It's just so sad.
-It's unorthodox,
I'll give you that.
-It's very important.
"She strolled down the wide,
exquisitely carpeted staircase."
-Levine: Oh, God.
We're gonna be drunker than--
-Cooper: Looks like a drink.
The weirdest things
get her off, don't they?
-Uh, yeah. Yeah.
-She's, like walking down
the stairs going, who laid that?
(Morton laughing)
-Oh, my God, it goes
all the way to the edge. Ah!
-(laughter)
-Kill!
-What? That's...
-That's your definition
of "exquisitely carpeted"?
-(audience laughing)
-Functional carpet.
-Cooper: To the edge.
Levine:
To the edge of the room.
"Her comfortable, yet sexy
black leather trouser suit..."
-Whoa, another great look.
-Whoa.
-Yeah.
-Did you say it was
comfortable, yet sexy?
Yeah, yeah.
"Comfortable, yet sexy."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel like she's worn it
a lot, like there's a bit
of give in the gusset.
-(laughter)
-(Morton groans)
Oh, James.
-It's comfy.
-A baggy crotch. No.
-(giggling)
-"Her comfortable, yet sexy,
black leather trouser suit
squeaked...
-as she--"
-So she's literally like...
(squeaking)
-Mental.
-(laughter)
"...as she strutted along
the long, tiled hallway
into the conference room."
I would argue that surfaces
are getting a lot of airtime,
-and not...
not much sex, thus far.
-Morton: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
-Morton: No.
-(audience laughing)
"Natasha stood up
and immediately pushed
her throbbing tongue
-into Belinda's purple mouth."
-Levine (laughing): Okay.
-(audience laughing)
-Cooper: Wow.
-Now we've started.
-I spoke too soon. Okay.
-We're literally
in Belinda's mouth.
-Morton: Yes.
Yeah, well, Natasha is.
There's a lot
of activity there.
-There's quite a lot going on.
-Cooper: Lovely greeting,
isn't it?
-Yeah.
-Do you want
to break it down?
-Oh, what, go fifty-fifty?
-Yeah. I'll, uh...
What was it, purple mouth?
I'll take the purple mouth.
And I will take
throbbing tongue.
-Cooper: Okay. Good.
-I won't take throbbing tongue,
although...
-We'll see. There's some...
-(laughter)
-Cooper: The night is young.
-...eligible bachelors
in the room, yeah.
-Uh, yeah. Purple mouth.
Uh, is she dying?
-(laughter)
-Morton: No! No. No, no,
she's fine. She's fine.
-Cooper: No. Choking?
-Cooper: Ill?
-Morton: No, no, no.
She's fine.
-Cooper: Okay, fine.
-Levine: Okay. My question is
about the aforementioned,
-uh, throbbing tongue.
-Yes, Alice. Yes?
Um, I just wanted to know
is that this kind of motion,
like a...
-Morton: Yeah.
-(audience laughing)
Yeah. I imagine
it's kind of like, yeah,
like, like, pulsing.
-Like, you can feel
the blood, like...
-(audience groaning)
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that your line?
-(laughing)
'Cause you are literally
fucked for the rest
of this book, like...
-Oh, sorry.
One more question, actually.
-Morton: Yes?
-Um, have they ever met?
-(laughter)
-Interesting question.
They have...
-You're such a prude.
-...never met. No.
-Cooper: Never met.
Okay. Good.
Not even a hello?
Just a...
(lisping):
Nice to meet you. Uh...
Um, guys, guys, guys.
-"Belinda blinked."
-(all cheering)
-Cooper: Cheers, cheers.
-Morton: Mm.
-Levine: To you and yours.
To you and yours.
-Cooper: To you and yours.
Right. (sighs)
-(stammers, grunts)
-Levine: Oh!
-Cooper: You all right?
-Do you know you're
making a noise?
-Yes.
-There's something,
there's something--
-You're exhaling
audibly.
-(chuckles)
-Um... a...
-(laughter)
Would you just give me
a fucking second!
You're deflating.
We're concerned.
-(speaking gibberish)
-(laughter)
-I don't know what's happening,
but can it last forever?
-(laughter)
(in bad French accent):
"I-I'm, ah... Natasha.
"And I'm in charge naah.
Yeah? Yeah?"
-No, definitely.
"I'm in charge naah."
-Morton: Yeah?
Cooper:
"Charge naah."
-Was that supposed
to be... French?
-That was French.
-It's very good, I thought.
-No, no. I-I think that was
a hate crime.
-(laughter)
-Oh, okay, okay.
-I'm offended for them.
-Morton: Okay, fine.
Uh, is anyone in the room
French tonight?
Or at least thinks they can do
a better accent than I.
-Levine: Ooh.
-Morton: Yes.
Um, are you
willing to play
Natasha Biles
for the rest of the show?
-Yeah?
-(audience cheering)
You can't be worse
than me, so...
Um, but, come on,
please take this
fucking seriously, okay.
I take my accents
incredibly seriously.
You know, I... I prep them.
They're not always appreciated
in their time, um...
But we want real commitment,
okay? Think the method.
Daniel Day-Lewis,
Meryl Streep-level, okay?
-What is your name,
by the way?
-Tim.
No! You're Natasha Biles!
-Natasha! Natasha.
-Morton: For God's sake!
-Look alive, Natasha.
-Tim, Tim, Tim,
-Tim, Tim, Tim... Oh.
-Morton: This will not end well.
Levine:
Okay.
(in French accent):
I am, uh, Natasha,
and, uh, I'm in charge now.
(audience cheering, applauding)
I promised myself
I wouldn't do this,
Tim, but, um...
-Oh, fuck off, Levine.
That was...
-That was incredible.
-...middling!
-That was honestly...
incredible.
-Cooper: Thank you for that.
-Levine: Thank you.
I will call on you.
But please...
don't build your part
in the meantime. You know.
Switch his mic off.
(audience laughing)
But, no. Thank you
so much for being involved.
We really appreciate it.
(laughing)
"Natasha put her hand
on Belinda's...
-knee."
-(laughter)
-Did you hear
that anticipation?
-Morton: Yeah.
-They're gagging for it,
this lot. Look at them.
-They are so sex-starved.
-Everyone's like, where
did she put her hand?
-(laughter)
"Feeling no flinching
or resistance..."
-That's called consent,
everybody.
-(laughter)
-What?
-No. No, it's not.
-That's really not consent.
-(laughter)
-Morton: What,
not flinching or resisting?
-(laughter)
-Do you want to have
a conference behind my hands?
-Yeah.
-You're so wrong. Um...
-(laughter)
-That's not consent, is it?
If somebody just doesn't flinch.
-(audience laughing)
-Oh, it's so murky, isn't it?
-(laughter)
-So if they don't recoil...
-If they're not sick,
is normally my--
-Levine: Right.
Okay. Okay.
-Yeah.
Um, so, "...feeling no
flinching or resistance,
she slid it up
the leather-clad leg."
-Slid what up?
Oh, the hand. The hand.
-Morton: Her hand. Her hand.
Uh, the leather-clad leg
of the chair, or of Belinda?
-Of Belinda!
-Okay. Sorry.
There's a lot of leather.
-"Belinda opened her leg."
-(laughing)
-One leg?
-Singular.
She just sort of,
spatchcocked her thigh.
Morton:
Yeah. Yeah.
So, "Belinda opened her leg,"
um, "allowing Natasha..."
-Levine: This is so stupid.
"...free access to..."
If you say WiFi,
I'm walking out.
I was just...
that's just my...
that's my line.
Why? she's got four bars
up there. Just...
She's got
a very connected vagina.
Just put your email in,
and you're away.
I want you to know,
at this point, I could say
4G-spot, but I haven't.
I just want you to know that.
I've taken the high ground.
I've taken the high ground.
Uh, no, um...
Uh, "free access
to her groin."
-Groin?
-Morton: Yeah.
Sexy, huh?
"With an experienced... hand,
"Natasha undid Belinda's
patent leather belt
-and pulled down..."
-Are you having an episode?
-Why are you speaking like that?
-This is really fucking hard
to read.
Can I just get this-- just this
one sentence up, please?
So, look. So, "Belinda opened
her leg allowing Natasha free
access to her groin." Fine.
-"With an experienced... hand"
-(laughter)
"Natasha undid Belinda's
patent leather belt
"and pulled, down...
-Levine: Oh, my God.
-"...her trousers's zip."
-Morton: "Trousers's zip."
-(audience cheering)
-Morton:
We have to drink on that.
-Oh, drink. Drinks for days.
You couldn't dream it
so good, could you.
-"Her hand... dove
into the vaginal area."
-(laughter, cheering)
-Oh! Bloody hell!
-Morton: Whoa!
-Morton:
Fucking hell, James.
-Sounds like she's...
That was good.
I heard the wind
rush past you.
Just straight in there.
No splash.
-Morton: Oh. Don't...
-Oh, sorry.
Don't say no splash.
-I heard it as I said it. Sorry.
-(audience laughing)
"Her hand... dove
into the vaginal area,
where two...
-fingers..."
-Levine: Oh, God.
"...pulled aside..."
-Cooper: What?
-Morton: "...the flimsy..."
-Flimsy? Aah!
-"red...
-panties."
-Levine: Whew.
-Cooper: Okay.
-So, like... No, like that.
-No, like that.
-What are you doing?
What was--
Just do that again.
What was that?
Now, I was just hooking them,
the panties, to the side.
Morton: I mean,
I would rather you didn't,
but yeah.
-But then I was thinking--
-Morton: What is that?
-Stop doing that.
-What is that?
I thought that might be
the inflammatory move. Um...
No, I was just thinking
of those... sexy pants.
Uh, you know the ones
that are cut up the middle.
-There's a chap,
"I know. Yeah."
-(laughter)
Levine: Um...
"Oh, I've seen 'em."
Um, so then you would do that,
or like... that.
-Stop! What are you-- ?
-Whoa.
They're not curtains.
Fucking hell. Morning!
-(Morton laughs)
-That's more like Mum on an
iPad, isn't it? That's like...
"Two fingers pulled aside
the flimsy red panties,
and entered
-her clitoris."
-(audience groans, laughs)
-(chuckles) Yes?
-James, you have a question.
Levine: The lady
in the blouse. Yes?
Yeah. Um, not
my area of expertise,
-Yes. Yeah.
-But...
you cannot enter a clitoris?
(cheers, applause)
-Cooper: No, please.
-Morton: Whoa, whoa.
James, sit down.
You lot, you should know better.
Do not applaud
basic knowledge like that.
Especially when he said it
as a fucking question.
-"You cannot enter a clitoris?"
-(laughter)
That's actually progress,
worryingly.
-Yeah, well, that's true. Yeah.
-I'll put that in the notebook.
-That's another
learning for another day.
-Levine: Is there a notebook?
-You know, just the things
I've learned.
-Musings.
-Musings, you know,
"You cannot enter a clitoris."
-Yeah. Great. Good.
-"Not flinching is
not consent."
-(laughing)
"Belinda gently eased
her trousers down her asshole."
-(Cooper cackling)
-(audience laughing)
-Asshole!
-(giggling)
"Down her asshole."
How big's her asshole? Down?
-Asshole. Asshole...
-Into the lower mezzanine
of her asshole.
-That's really cool.
He's just...
-Cooper: Wow.
-He's got asshole
in there, hasn't he?
-Dad, what the fuck? Like...
-That's not nice.
-Are you proud of him?
-(laughter)
-Not right now. No.
(laughing): "Belinda
gently eased her trousers
down her asshole,
"being careful not to impede
Natasha's rhythmic touching..."
-Levine: Ooh.
-(laughter)
-Hang on, hang on, hang on.
So, Natasha's like that.
-Morton: Yeah.
-But Belinda's like,
"I'm so sorry."
-Levine: Yeah, so like...
-"Can I just, like..."
-(audience laughing)
-Morton: Do you mind if--?
-Oh, whoa!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-No, I didn't. No, I didn't.
-You touched a bollock.
-No, I didn't!
-Cooper: You did.
-Morton: Did she really?
-You touched a bollock.
-(laughing)
-It was fine.
I thought we were fine.
-You were just saying...
-Alice entered my clitoris.
-No, I didn't.
I'm not surprised.
Five-finger Levine was
going for it up there.
She was absolutely
loving it.
"Belinda put her left leg up
on the arm of Natasha's
carved oak captain's chair."
(audience laughing)
-"She ran her left hand
through her raven mane...
-Ooh!
"...whilst her right
caressed her shapely body.
"Tracing the line
of her taut inner thigh,
she stroked her fingertips
over Natasha's broad shoulders."
-Sorry, Jamie.
I'm so sorry to interrupt.
-Yes. Sorry.
Anyone else
getting a bit lost?
-It is a bit hard to follow,
yeah. To be fair.
-Cooper: Yeah, like...
-Levine: Just-- just now.
-Cooper: Just now.
-Like, bits are going
in different places.
-Morton: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-It's kind of turning into a bit
of a game of Twister, isn't it?
-Yeah. It is.
Do you know what this would be
a great opportunity to do?
-Something we can't do
on the podcast.
-Leave early?
-(laughs) No. But great idea.
-No, no, no, no. Yeah.
-A recreation.
-Yes!
-(audience hoots)
-Let's bring the book to life!
-Morton: I'm up for that. Yeah.
-I'm game. Yeah.
Okay, great.
So I'm gonna need
a couple of volunteers
from the audience.
I'm gonna go-- I think
I'm gonna go amongst them.
-Good luck.
-Lube me up.
I'm going in.
All right. Okay.
Um, anyone-- anyone
someone's plus one?
Anyone, like,
what the hell am I-- Oh! Oh!
-Hello.
-Hi.
-Hi. Uh, so you're
a plus one?
-Yes.
-Is this a date?
-No.
-Woman: Yes, it is.
-It's a date?
-Woman: It is. It is.
-A first date?
-Yes, it is.
-(all laughing)
-What was that?
-It definitely is
a first date.
Oh, my God!
We've got a first date!
Oh, my God. Right.
-Right, right, right.
What's your name?
-Ari. Ari!
-Ari. Ari, and...
-Tom.
Ari and Tom.
-So, how did you meet?
-We work together.
You work together?
Oh, my God. It's like
Steeles Pots and Pans!
-(laughing)
-Where do you work?
No, no...
-A chemical company.
-No, no.
-A chemical company.
-(laughing)
Our company makes
the latex for condoms.
-Are you fucking
joking me?
-(audience cheering)
Oh, my God.
Well, um, I hope you manage
to use your own products
this evening.
(laughter)
Have a fabulous night.
Give 'em a round
of applause, guys.
(audience cheering, whistling)
Uh, okay. So, would anyone
like to help us recreate
a scene this evening?
Oh, yes. Oh, my God.
She's got, like,
the perfect Belinda hair.
-Cooper: Okay.
-(laughing)
-Hello. What's your name?
-Katie.
Katie. Okay, Katie.
What do you do for a job?
-I'm a chef.
-She's a chef!
She works with pots and pans!
-It's fate.
-Cooper: It's meant to be.
You're perfect.
Katie, you're our Belinda.
-There you go.
-(audience cheering)
Head up to the stage.
Uh, we also need a Natasha.
-So, will you be our Natasha?
-Of course. Yeah.
Amazing. Okay.
We have our Natasha.
Give her a round of applause.
Head up to the stage.
Let's go.
(audience cheering)
Okay. Right.
So, if you take a seat
in the chair,
you're Natasha.
You stand there.
You're Belinda.
Okay. Right. So,
what's gonna happen is,
Jamie's gonna read
from the book,
and you literally
have to act out
what he says. Okay?
-Good luck. It's bad.
-(laughing)
Cooper: Um, I feel like
we need to help these two
-get in the mood,
though, don't we?
-Morton: Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
Could we set, uh,
a kind of sexy mood
onstage, please?
(slow porn groove music playing)
-Cooper: Ooh, yes.
-I also have
something for you.
-Oh, wow.
-Cooper: LED tea-lights. Alice!
You shouldn't have.
Morton:
I think we're learning
a lot about Alice Levine's
private life, here.
-LED tea-lights. Hello!
-They work every time.
Every time. Yeah.
Cooper:
Okay, Jamie.
I think we're ready.
-So, when you're ready to...
-Okay.
"Belinda put
her left leg
up on the arm of Natasha's
carved oak captain's chair."
-Okay, you have
to come-- Whoa!
-(audience hooting)
(cheering, whistling)
-So that's
what it looks like!
-(laughing)
Oh, gods!
Okay, hang on.
Have you got--
Oh, can I just borrow that?
Okay, put your left foot up.
Trust me, trust me.
-Okay.
-On the arm.
On the arm.
(audience laughing)
There you go.
Hold that there.
Hold that there. Okay.
"She ran her left hand
through her raven mane,
whilst her right
caressed her shapely body."
-I'll hold the hat for you.
There you go.
-Oh, thank you.
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-Morton: Yes!
-(cheering, applause)
-Cooper: Woo!
-Has anyone else got
a semi, because...
-(laughing)
This is hot stuff.
"Tracing the line
of her taut inner thigh..."
Cooper:
There you go. Yeah.
"...she stroked her fingertips
over Natasha's broad shoulders."
Okay, so if you bring them
around here, just stroke her
like a cat. There you go.
-Belinda: Oh! Almost!
-Oh, God.
Leg up. Arm here.
There we go.
I feel like James
would be such a bossy lover.
-No, arm there.
No, caress me there.
-Leg up. Arm there. Come on.
-Cooper: Yeah.
-Okay. "She grabbed
her left breast."
If Rocky's written it,
it's possible.
Belinda:
I have to grab it forward.
Cooper: There we go.
She's on the breast!
(cheering, applause)
I'll take that.
"She squeezed
a nut-shaped nipple..."
Wait, wait, wait.
We've got nuts.
We've got some nuts.
We'll bring you a nut.
Cooper: Okay,
what have we got?
-Levine: What would you like?
-What nipple would you like?
-Cooper: Should we go
with that one?
-Yeah, sure.
-Cooper: That's nice and fancy.
-Levine: That's offensive,
but, yeah.
No, no.
You hold it.
You hold it where
the nipple goes.
There we go.
"She squeezed
a nut-shaped nipple
and followed the outline
with her forefinger."
-Morton:
"Going, going 'round."
-Cooper: Going 'round.
-Morton: "And 'round."
-Cooper: And 'round.
-"And round."
-(laughs): And round.
-"And 'round."
-(laughing)
"But increasing the pressure
with each circumnavigation."
Cooper: Okay, you really give it
some, and you're enjoying it.
You're enjoying it.
(laughs)
"Natasha moaned deeply."
-Uh... (laughs)
-(all laughing)
(moans)
-"Belinda bent her head..."
-There we go.
"...and started to excavate
her damp cave."
-(audience exclaiming)
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's quite enough.
Let's stop the music.
Let's get the lights
back to normal.
I think that's quite enough.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a round of applause
for Belinda and Natasha.
Take a bow, girls.
Take a bow.
(cheering, whistling)
Thank you. Thank you.
I mean, that was...
(laughs) That was
a train wreck.
-That was a lot.
-Morton: But, you know,
well done, James.
-I saw a vagina.
-(audience laughing)
Okay.
"Suddenly,
the girls heard the sound
of the regional
sales managers..."
Oh, my God.
That's why we're here.
I'd completely forgotten
why we were here.
-It's like the Beatles
have arrived.
-(laughter)
"...of the regional
sales manager's cars
parking outside.
"They quickly dressed
one another,
finishing just as her
subordinates plodded
into the room."
Levine:
Way to kill the energy,
Rocky. Thanks.
"Patrick O'Hamlin..."
-(audience cheering)
-Cooper: Yay!
Yeah, he's in charge
of two whole countries,
lest we forget.
Scotland,
and Ireland.
Busy man.
-"Ken Dewsbury..."
-(audience cheering)
Really? He films women
in his cellar.
Guys, come on.
-You guys are sick.
-"Des Martin..."
(cheering)
And he dribbles during sex.
God, this lot.
"And Dave Wilcox..."
-(scattered cheers)
-Oh.
The Ringo of the group,
clearly.
"...slumped into the expansive
collection of chairs."
So, the regional
sales managers are kind of
all on the same level, right,
within the hierarchy
of the company?
Yeah, they're all under
Belinda, so to speak.
I actually, um, thought
it'd be useful to see
the kind of company structure
of Steeles Pots and Pans.
Uh, 'cause there's been
so much thought put
into these books.
Um, so I actually
have it here. Um...
So, there's Belinda,
the center of it all.
Levine: I love that we're
supposed to be turned on,
and we're looking at a chart
of the company structure
of a pots and pans company.
Yeah, it's not
the most sexy, is it?
It's also not that useful.
What's really important
is to see who's fucked who.
-Yes!
-So, let's...
let's change that,
and see who's
done the dirty
with whom.
-Levine:
Oh, jeez.
-(laughter)
Yeah. So, you
really kind of,
so, you know--
Cooper: Wow.
What do all
the lines mean?
Yeah. So, red is
"flirting whilst nude."
-(laughing)
-Um, you know,
so not that much
of that's gone on,
actually, at Steeles
Pots and Pans.
Heavy petting
is rife.
A lot of that's
been going on.
That's
the blue line.
Then you've got
all the sex,
which is
the green one,
So again, not that much
going on at Steeles.
So let's widen it out,
and have a look
at the context
with every character
that's ever graced
-the Belinda Blinked universe.
-Cooper: Oh, my God.
-Levine: Oh, my God.
-Morton: Look at it.
It's like the London
Underground. Look at it.
-I love that all lines lead
to Belinda, as well.
-Morton: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Although, and this is so sad,
look, Jim Thompson. Nothing!
-Not a sausage, literally.
-(Levine laughing)
-Cooper: Poor Jim!
-Morton: Poor Jim!
"But the session
had begun."
-Yes, it had.
-(cheers)
"Natasha placed three dice
onto the table."
-Dice?
-Morton: Dice.
-(scoffs) Okay.
-"And asked each person
to take a throw."
"Patrick O'Hamlin.
He went first." Oh, yeah.
"And with a hint of a tease,
he scored three... sixes!"
Levine:
Oh, that's good!
That is the best you can
do with three dice.
-I'm sorry.
What are we playing?
-(laughter)
-Uh, we're playing dice.
-Dice. Yeah, he did say that.
Not a game, but cool.
-"Everyone else groaned..."
-Levine: Oh, let's groan.
-(groans)
-(groans)
"...swearing at the luck
of the Irish..."
-(laughing)
-Bastards.
"...the rest of the RSMs
took their throws.
"Des Martin scored
a good, solid ten..."
-Levine: That's decent.
-"...from a three, a five,
and a two."
(laughing)
Nobody cares!
"Dave Wilcox scored a 12...
(audience cheers)
-"...from a five,
a six, and a one."
-(laughing)
I love that he's just
filling pages.
-"And Ken Dewsbury...
-(cheering)
-"...a measly seven."
-Levine: Ooh.
Oh, let me guess.
A one, a four, a two.
-Morton: "From a two,
a three, and a two."
-Oh.
"Natasha picked up the dice."
Oh, there's more dice,
more dice.
"And she passed them
on to Belinda."
-It's a lot of dice admin.
-Morton (laughing): Yeah.
"Belinda smiled, but...
-"she didn't wink."
-(laughter)
-Then don't write it.
-Yeah. Good to know.
Thanks, Dad.
-(laughing)
-You don't need to document it
if it didn't happen.
"Her quick but casual throw..."
Don't know where they went.
Do not care.
"Her quick but casual throw
resulted...
-in a score..."
-Oh, can we drumroll?
Can we do a little...?
(all patting rhythmically)
"...of..."
-"...four..."
-(audience laughing)
-Oh, God.
-"...from a one, a two...
and another wretched one."
That's
disappointing.
"Natasha Biles looked
daggers at her..."
-(laughing)
"...as a stunned silence
said everything there was
to say on the matter.
"Belinda lowered her eyes
and thought...
"Fuck me.
(laughter)
"I've... I've ruined
her exercise.
What's she gonna do to me now?"
-Can we get a tiny bit
of perspective?
-(laughing)
"Natasha said..."
(in French accent):
"'That's the end
of dice class.
"'Belinda, seeing as
you came bottom,
"'you must spend the rest
of the afternoon...
-"'topless.'"
-(laughing)
(audience cheering)
"Natasha took Belinda
by the elbow...
(Levine giggles)
...guided her
to the edge of the room
and licked her face."
-Levine: Oh, God.
-(laughing)
-Levine: As you do.
-Cooper: Why?
I literally have no idea
what's going on in this
fucking book.
"Secretly, she pulled out
a box of Humphries
Dice and Mice
joke shop dice."
My preferred brand.
"And whispered..."
-Tim (in French accent):
"'As you can see...'"
-Morton: Whispered.
(whispering):
"'As you can see,
"'my box of dice
are from Humphries
"'Dice and Mice
joke shop.
"'Suppliers to royalty.'"
(laughing, cheering)
Levine: It's very good.
It's very, very good.
(in high-pitched voice):
"'Why, why you...
you, you... why, you--"
Levine:
That does not say that.
-Look.
-Oh, it does say that.
Get up, get up.
Get this line up.
-(laughter)
-(Cooper cackling)
"'Why, why you...
you, you...
"'why you, you...
you, why you.
You switched the dice
when it was my turn.'"
That is poetry.
That is beautiful.
"'Natasha declared..."
(in French accent):
"'What do you expect?
I am a guru.'"
(laughing)
"Lust and professional respect
pulsed through her body."
-(laughing)
Two very different emotions
all at--
"It was as if
Natasha could taste it
on her breath."
-Levine: Oh.
-Her breath? Have you eaten
lust and professional respect?
-(laughing)
-Ooh, it's very strong.
Does it repeat?
Is it like onions?
"It was as if Natasha
could taste it on her breath,
"because she slowly
pulled up her skirt...
and flashed her cervix."
(audience cheering)
Morton:
Now...
(audience wolf whistles)
He has done this before.
Dad doesn't know
what a cervix is.
-He thinks it's just
another word for vagina.
-(Cooper laughing)
And, I... Alice.
This is a specific
pet peeve of yours.
It should be a specific
pet peeve of all of ours.
And it is, absolutely.
But, I think particularly,
it's a bee in your bonnet.
-Cooper: Yeah.
-Well, he does just think
that all of the lady bits
are sort of jumbled up
in a bag, and they can
kind of go anywhere.
It feels like this would be
a missed opportunity to not
clear it up once and for all,
-so can I take
two minutes of your time?
-Cooper: Please.
-Please. Alice,
you can take four.
-Thanks. Okay.
(audience cheering)
So it will surprise you to hear
that we do do some preparation
before the show. I know.
And we were reading
this study, because Rocky
does really struggle...
-Morton: Yeah, he does.
-...with female anatomy.
But it turns out,
so do a lot of you.
Because 50 percent
of millennial women
don't know where
their vagina is.
-That's real. That's not a joke.
-Morton: It's true.
It's a true fact.
This is not
a laughing matter. Okay?
I don't mean they're like,
"Is it here?"
I mean, they, like, don't know
which bit's which. So...
What do you think
that top label is?
They are the...?
(indistinct shouts
from audience)
I said to the boys backstage,
I had a little peek through
the curtain,
I was like,
"We have a room
full of FalTu fans."
Yes. Fallopian tubes.
Okay.
Brilliant. Okay.
Next one down.
What are they?
Audience:
Ovaries!
Okay, that was
almost unanimous,
apart from a chap--
I'm not gonna look at you,
sir, 'cause I don't want
to embarrass anybody,
but in this zone,
who definitely said lungs,
but yes, that is...
the... the lungs
of the reproductive system,
if you like.
That is the ovaries.
Sir, please be careful.
You are gonna kill someone.
Um... next one down.
I'll give you a little clue.
It's the team player.
You can't spell this
without "us."
Yes, it's the uterus.
You betcha.
Um, okay, bottom right, sir,
that's not what it's called.
-What is the bottom right one?
-(audience shouts answers)
-Did someone say banana?
-(audience laughing)
It's worse than I thought.
It's higher than 50 percent.
That is the vagina. Okay.
So the last one...
Let's just have
just complete silence
for a second.
Um, and I think
on the count of three,
we could all do this together.
Because I am gonna have a little
guess that this is not happening
anywhere else in London tonight.
Okay. So on the count
of three, as loudly--
at the top of your lungs,
you might say, sir--
-(laughter)
Mind blown. Okay.
Three, two, one...
ALL:
Cervix!
-That was magical. I...
-(cheering)
-Yeah.
-(applause)
Yeah. Applaud yourselves.
Yeah.
Because you just made
me come, so thank you.
-(laughing)
-Thank you so much.
Thank you.
(audience cheering)
Alice Levine.
Fucking respect.
-That was good.
-Levine: Thanks.
Morton:
"The team couldn't believe
their luck,
"as Natasha and Belinda
unbuttoned their blouses,
"unhooked their brassieres,
and let their respective
tits hang out."
-Levine: Yes.
-(laughter)
Cooper:
Respective tits?
These are my tits.
Those are your tits.
"Within seconds,
a somewhat flushed-ish..."
-(laughter)
-Oh!
That's, although stupid,
quite nice, "flushed-ish."
-Oh, it's ever so nice to say.
-Cooper: Flushed-ish.
"Within seconds,
a somewhat flushed-ish
"Patrick O'Hamlin
stood up and said...
-(in whiny voice): "'Hey!"
-(Cooper cackles)
"'Hey, listen to me.
I got the straight sixes.
-"'I'm strippin' off, too.'"
-Cooper: Oh.
"Suddenly, Ken Dewsbury
piped up.
(audience hoots)
-"'Fuck it.'"
-(laughter)
"'Fuck it. I did no better
than ladies.
-"'I reckon I should be
balled naked, too.'"
-Levine: Balled naked?
"Then, unbelievably,
"keeping true to his word,
Ken Dewsbury removed
all of his clothes."
-I don't want to see it.
-"He folded them carefully."
Drink.
Although, I think that's
sexy and respectful.
"He folded them carefully
on one of the wing-backed
chairs..."
-(laughing) Yes.
-Cooper: That's another drink,
isn't it?
"...sitting around the edge
of the recently vacuumed
room."
-(laughing)
-Cooper: Yeah.
(Morton stammers)
"He then... took care...
to sit on his socks..."
-(laughing)
-"...so as to not..."
Oh, God,
I don't like it
when you pause.
-"...soil the soft furnishings."
-Levine: Oh...
(audience groans)
-Levine: Mm. Mm-mm, mm.
-Has... Has Ken done a poo?
(laughter)
Sorry, because he's about to...
(mumbles): shit himself,
-or he has...
(mumbles): shit himself?
-(mumbles): I don't know.
-Okay, okay.
-It doesn't say.
-It doesn't
really matter, does it?
-Really doesn't matter.
-It's a moot point.
-Shit's coming either way.
Right. Yep.
"Des Martin, never one
to be caught out,
immediately stripped down
to his black thong."
-(audience cheering)
-Cooper: Oh!
I don't care
how many times he writes it,
it's not catching on.
Although, in the room tonight,
I felt like there was a lot
of support for that.
Let's say 80 percent
of the men are wearing
black thongs tonight.
"Natasha thought the session
was going rather well."
What was the criteria?
"Belinda was delighted."
(laughter)
"Dave Wilcox was confused."
(laughter)
"But he promptly stripped off,
for he was a businessman."
(laughter)
-And that's what
they do, is it?
-Yeah. I guess.
"Natasha's
fuckably-shaped breasts..."
-(laughter)
-Cooper: Aah?
Don't answer this,
either of you.
Just think about it.
What shape are they?
What shape is
a fuckably-shaped breast?
-Is it like, a--
-Don't answer it.
(laughter)
"Natasha's
fuckably-shaped breasts
-"echoed..."
-(laughter)
Ga-doon, ga-doon,
ga-doon, ga-doon...
Like one of those,
you know, those exec toys,
-that people have
on their desks?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(laughter)
"Natasha's fuckably-shaped
breasts echoed the maturity
"of her tanned, rounded body,
and good, sturdy legs."
-Sturdy legs, as well?
-Morton: Yeah.
-Is that sexy? Sturdy legs?
-Sturdy legs.
Do you look at somebody like,
"Ooh, I bet she can stand up
for hours."
-She doesn't look like
she needs a chair.
-(laughter)
"It was all too much
for Des Martin.
"He simply had to have Belinda,
team building session or no."
(laughter)
"He reached over and pulled
down the boss's knickers."
(laughing)
I just like that
as a turn of phrase.
"You think you're
the boss's knickers, don't you."
Everyone in the room
gasped at his cheek."
(all gasping)
-Levine: Very good.
-"And they waited.
Boy, did they wait"
for the slap on the face
he so truly deserved."
-"It never came."
-(laughter)
Is there no justice?
"Belinda turned 'round
-"and kissed Des Martin..."
-Levine: Aw.
-"...deeply..."
-Cooper: That's nice.
-"...on his cock."
-(audience laughing)
-Levine: That's really cool.
-Cooper: That's really cool.
-That's cool.
-That's the coolest thing
I've ever heard.
Isn't that
the coolest thing ever?
How... How do
you kiss someone
deeply on the cock?
-You tell me.
-(laughing)
-Tongue down
the urethra? I don't know...
-Oh, you're gonna answer?
(audience groans)
-You just... Wow.
-It's a guess!
-That is the most
Rocky thing you've ever said.
-(laughing)
You answered so quickly.
Why didn't you give it a beat?
-Levine: Pretend
you've just thought of it.
-Here's what I like:
"Tongue down the urethra."
What a perfect
impression of me.
"Here's what I like.
Tongue down urethra."
(audience laughing)
"She opened her mouth wide
and took him in."
-Oh!
-Cooper: Took him in?
-That's-- "Are you cold?"
-(laughing)
"Come on. Do you need
somewhere to stay
for the night?"
Stop pointing so much.
We can find it. Thank you.
"...opened her mouth wide
and took him in,
-"in one gulp."
-Oh, my God.
-Has she swallowed his cock?
-She's, like, shucked him back
like an oyster.
"Des Martin screamed."
-Cooper: I'll bet he did.
-Levine: "I'm not surprised."
"Where's my cock?"
-"I had it this morning."
-(laughing)
Oh, my God.
Oh, hang on. Sorry. No.
I read it wrong... ish.
"Des Martin screamed
in ecstasy."
-Cooper: Oh. Okay.
-No, I beg to differ.
I don't think he did.
That sounds aw--
it sounds horrific.
"And..." Fuck.
"...white...
-"...semen..."
-(audience groans)
"...dribbled down
Belinda's throat."
(audience groaning)
Eww-agh! Okay.
(giggles):
Oh, God.
(audience cheering)
-(cackling)
-Levine: Would it be...?
I'm literally,
I'm... I'm a wreck.
I'm a wreck of a man.
-Levine: Your dad... Yeah.
-(shouting): I know!
No, you know. You know.
You know. I don't need
to say it. You know, so...
-Cooper: God.
-Is it...
a bad time to just ask you
to reread the last line--
just recap the last line?
-Really?
-I can't remember
the exact wording of the...
Okay, fine.
"Des Martin screamed
in ecstasy
as white semen dribbled down
Belinda's throat."
Mm. It's no better
on second hearing.
I thought
it might have mellowed.
"Patrick O' Hamlin
could wait no longer.
With a mighty leap and a bound,
he cleared the table..."
Spiderman.
"...catching Natasha
by the breasts."
She's not a climbing wall!
"He threw her onto
the exquisitely laid
parquet floors."
(laughing)
"There, writhing
in expectation,
"Patrick O'Hamlin entered
her vagina and tickled
her labia."
(laughter)
He "entered her."
It sounds like
he kind of went, like...
with one of those
head torches on.
Yep. Yep.
Good in here.
If you knock that down,
that's-- that's the partition.
That pelvic floor,
that can come up.
(laughter)
"Natasha opened her legs wider."
-Well, she'd have to. There's
a whole man up there, doing...
-(laughing)
...quite an extensive
renovation.
"And pulled Patrick even deeper
into her rampant body."
-Levine: Oh, shit!
-So it's just a pair of shoes?
-Like this. Yeah.
"Meanwhile..."
-(laughing)
-Back at the office...
-"Meanwhile..."
"Des Martin returned
Belinda's mouth
-to his now
reinvigorated penis."
-Cooper: Oh, lovely.
"And started to screw her
politely.
(laughing)
Oh, no, please.
After you. May I?
"Ken Dewsbury had set about
entering Belinda,
and he started to fuck her
with gusto."
-Levine: Oh...
-Cooper: Gusto?
Is that, like...
Ba-da-da dah!
-No, that's pizzazz.
-Oh. (laughs)
Gusto, Pizzazz.
There's a fine line.
You do always
get them confused.
"This all left an ever so
bewildered Dave Wilcox,
-who quickly squatted
on Natasha's face..."
-Levine: Oh, my God.
-Don't do it quickly.
-No. That's a thing to take
your time over, isn't it?
She'll have
two black eyes. Aah!
-Just like a... boom!
-Ooh!
"...enabling her
to chew his testicles."
(audience groaning)
This is really rough.
This is horrible, horrible...
I don't want to speak
for the male experience,
but I'm gonna...
Look at James! He's like,
protecting himself.
Using your teeth
to chew on a testicle,
-I'm just gonna say
that might hurt.
-It's not advisable, yeah.
-It'd be like biting into
a pickled onion, wouldn't it?
-(audience groaning)
-Morton: Oh, my God.
-Levine: Why?
-Why so vinegary?
-(audience laughing)
Not the taste.
The texture, you loon!
-"He growled in pleasure..."
-He didn't. He just didn't.
"...waiting for Patrick O'Hamlin
to drain himself."
(audience groans)
I've never been
more upset by a verb.
-(laughter)
-Morton: That's disgusting,
isn't it?
Draining himself into,
like, a husk.
"...waiting for Patrick O'Hamlin
to drain himself..."
Stop saying,
"To drain himself."
"...so he could release his
big, throbbing cock into--"
-Into the wild.
-(audience laughing)
-Be free!
-Actual Free Willy.
-(audience laughing)
-Oh, my God!
(cheering)
-Cooper:
Very good. Very good.
-Morton: That's good.
-It's a very different film.
-(laughing)
"...so he could fully release
his big, throbbing cock
into Natasha's
womanly creases."
(Cooper cackling)
Womanly creases?
-That's actually quite good.
-Cooper: Is it?
-Sounds like he's jizzed
in her back fat or something.
-Oh, James!
-Oh, thank you.
-(laughing)
-Morton: Oh, my God.
-Thank you for
draining yourself.
-Levine: Oh, my God.
-"Jizzed in her back fat."
Wow. That is quite the image.
"Belinda Blumenthal...
"plopped Des Martin's
floppy phallus
-out of her jaws."
-(laughing)
How many people can honestly
say they're not turned on?
I think you'd find it hard,
if you were being completely
honest.
Cooper: Oh, my God.
I don't think I'm ever
gonna have an erection again.
So, "Belinda Blumenthal
plopped..." Plopped?
Plopped!
It wasn't even flopped.
Plopped.
"...Des Martin's floppy
phallus out of her jaws
"as she watched her
knackered colleagues."
"Her mind got in touch..."
-(all laughing)
-Yes!
-Hiya!
-(laughing)
"Her mind got in touch to say,
'Eighteen grand well spent.'"
-Eighteen grand?
-Morton: Yeah.
That's the most disgusting
part of this whole chapter.
This whole...
I mean, car crash.
-Eighteen grand on what?
On some dice?
-Morton: Eighteen grand.
Mainly the cleanup,
I imagine.
They had to just burn
the whole thing down.
Getting shit out
of upholstery
is... is difficult.
-So-- so I've heard.
-(all laughing)
-Anecdotally.
-(laughter)
-Everyone?
-Cooper: What?
-"Belinda blinked."
-Levine: Yes!
-Cooper: Ah!
-(applause, cheers)
And that, thank fuck...
(laughter)
-is the end of the chapter.
-Cooper: Aw!
(audience cheering, whistling)
Levine:
Good effort.
Wow.
(cheering, whistling)
So, really, there's only
one thing left to do.
Um, and that's
thank the man...
the mystery.
-The monster.
-Yes.
-My dad.
-(audience cheering)
Please, guys.
Be upstanding...
...to the great
Rocky Flintstone!
-To Rocky Flintstone.
-To Rocky Flintstone. Cheers.
-To Rocky. To Rocky.
-Cheers. Cheers.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
Thank you guys so,
so much for coming out!
You've been amazing!
We have been
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
You have all been perverts.
Thank you, and good night.
-(audience cheering, whistling)
-Cooper: Woo!
(porn groove music playing)
BY X AMBASSADORS PLAYS)
-This is a celebration!
-Hells yeah!
(SQUEALING)
My feet go
Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom
Walking away from you
I said hey, uh-huh
You can't stop me
'Cause my pain, uh-huh
Is gasoline
I can't wait, no, for nobody
If you break my heart
It's one, two, three
Boom, boom, boom
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-Damn!
Power to the people.
I got a new tattoo
Don't know what to tell you
Got nothing left to prove
High speed go
Zoom, zoom, zoom
Zoom, zoom, zoom
Zoom, zoom, zoom
My feet go
Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom
Hey! I just wanted to take
another look at you.
Walking away from you
Man:
So, take us back
to the beginning, Jamie.
How did this all start?
Um, okay.
So, about four years ago,
um, my life changed forever,
uh, when I got an email
from a guy called
Rocky Flintstone.
It turned out that Rocky
Flintstone was my dad,
and he'd been secretly writing
porn in the garden shed.
The book was called
Belinda Blinked,
and it was horrific.
It was amazing.
It's the best worst book
ever written.
So then my friends,
James and Alice, made me
read it to the whole world.
Jamie:
"Belinda Blinked.
It wasn't a dream.
"The job interviewer had just
asked her to remove her jacket
and silk blouse."
And the books are about a woman
called Belinda Blumenthal,
who shags her way
around the world,
selling pots and pans.
It's one-half erotica,
one-half business manual.
So we started a podcast,
and it went from
a few people listening...
(laughing hysterically):
I can't see anything! Aah!
-(man giggling)
-Oh, no! I wet myself!
...to quite a lot
of people listening.
(audience cheering, whistling)
But we should say,
it's not a sexy book.
Morton:
"As Belinda groaned,
the duchess hummed,
"watching her perspiring
pussy meat."
-(Levine laughs)
-Cooper: Ack!
Rocky's metaphors are unique.
Morton:
Her nipples were now as large
as the three-inch rivets
- which had held the hull of
the fateful Titanic together.
-(laughter)
And he has zero concept
of the female body.
-Morton:
"He grabbed her cervix..."
-(Cooper gasps)
Levine:
He's gonna kill her.
Honestly, if I wasn't
sat here right now,
I would swear to God
he was a virgin.
I mean, it got so crazy
that people were even talking
about a movie version.
And actual, proper actors
were lining up to play
the characters.
Thomas Middleditch:
I do like the idea
of playing Dr. Robbins.
Rachel Bloom: I feel like
I should put on a fat suit
and play Jim Sterling.
Hayley Atwell:
I'd quite like to play Alfie,
the smallish man.
Nicholas Hoult:
I would go for Adaam.
-I've already spoken
to my agents about it.
-(laughter)
Yeah, it all got
a little bit out of hand.
-My Dad Wrote a Porno.
-My Dad Wrote a Porno.
-My Dad Wrote a Porno.
-My Dad Wrote a Porno.
Michael Sheen:
There are similarities between
your father's work,
and Hamlet.
-Morton: Oh, my God!
-Levine: Look!
-Emma Thompson:
He's a fucking genius.
-(Levine laughs)
Come on!
How else have we got here?
So now, I'm reading
my dad's porn on HBO.
Brilliant.
(audience cheering, applauding)
Announcer:
Live from the Camden
Roundhouse, London,
please welcome Jamie,
James, and Alice.
(audience cheering, whistling)
Woo! All right!
-Woo!
-Woo-hoo!
Woo!
-Morton: Yay!
-Cooper: Yes!
Hi, guys. Um,
my name's Jamie, and...
my dad wrote a porno.
-Levine: It's true.
-Cooper: Yes, he did.
-Morton: He did do--
-(audience cheering)
Thank you, thank you.
It's my hell, but your
entertainment.
Uh, to my dad,
the legend.
Rocky Flintstone.
(audience cheering)
-Levine: What a guy.
-Okay. Okay.
So he wrote these
shit books, right?
And right at the start,
he wrote something
that even he thought
was too shit to include in any
of the Belinda Blinked books.
-So I'm reading that tonight.
-Cooper: Aw, you...
-Morton: Yes, yes.
-(audience cheering)
-What's it about exactly?
What happens?
-Um...
Well, it is a Belinda Blinked
chapter, so it's not about
anything, at all.
-(laughs) Sure.
-But it involves
Belinda Blumenthal,
the international sales director
of Steeles Pots and Pans.
(cheering)
Um, and she basically takes
her regional sales managers
on a kind of
team building away day.
-Um, 'cause, obviously--
- Thank you so much
It's already fantastic
-It's so good.
-'Cause, well,
it's a business book.
So, you know, they're doing
a corporate away day.
Makes absolute sense.
Well, London, are
you ready for this?
(audience cheering, applauding)
(porn groove music playing)
I think we should, uh,
play the drinking game.
-That's a great shout. Yes.
-Yeah? Up for it?
-(audience cheering)
-Levine: We should
establish official rules.
-Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
-Levine: We should probably,
you know...
The official rules.
Okay. Well what about...
You know how Rocky
likes to focus on
unnecessary details,
like, if the camera
was on them, like,
shagging,
-it would slowly zoom
to the curtains.
-(laughing)
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Like, it just focuses
on the most stupid things.
-Distracted. Yes.
-Yeah. Exactly.
So every time there's,
like, an unnecessary
detail, drink.
-Levine: Yeah. Yeah. Agreed.
-Morton: Good, good.
Levine: Okay, uh,
my rule is gonna be...
grammar, bad grammar.
-Morton: Yes. Exactly.
-Um, 'cause I feel like
he does it all afterwards.
-Yeah.
-You know, after the event.
So he'll go through,
a little semicolon,
full stop in there.
Let's put a comma.
Yeah. Apostrophe.
For him, I think a semicolon
is just his work winking back
at him.
-He's like, "You're doing
a great job, Rocky."
-(laughing)
Um, and I think, you know,
if you're only gonna drink
on one of the rules tonight,
uh, everybody must drink
when Belinda blinks.
-Levine: Deal.
-Yes.
Before we start, I just think
there's one thing
-that's really, really
important to just note.
-Yeah.
Whatever we read,
your dad wrote it.
-(audience laughing)
-Looks what's behind me!
-That's gonna haunt me.
-That's as big
as we can manage.
-But I think we should
open the book.
-This thing here.
(audience cheering)
-Dad porn,
dad porn, dad porn.
-(Morton groans)
Okay.
(both giggling)
"Belinda blinked."
-(cheering)
-Morton: Drink!
Start as we mean to go on--
I'm gonna shit-faced.
I can just tell.
Belinda Blinked:
The Lost Chapter.
-"Team Building with the
Regional Sales Managers..."
-Cooper: Yeah!
(audience hoots)
-Semicolon.
-(laughter)
-Levine: Yes.
-It's already started.
Cheers.
On a title.
Yes, Rocky.
"Belinda Blumenthal,
international sales director
of Steeles Pots and Pans,
"turned her Mercedes
into the driveway
"of the secluded
manor house,
"she had hired
for the team building
away day extravaganza..."
-Levine: Whoa!
-"...on the Cornish coast."
-Levine: Oh! Very nice part
of the world, very nice.
-Cooper: It is--
It is a lovely
part of the world,
but it's also about
a seven-hour drive
from London.
-That's true, actually, yeah.
-See, it's a long way
to go for a day.
-Yeah. That's true. And back.
-Morton: Yeah, yeah.
-And back.
Fourteen-hour round trip!
-And back. Yeah.
They're gonna be there
for 10 minutes,
quick shag,
back in the car. Bye!
(laughs)
-"The training guru..."
-Cooper: Guru!
"...she was-- she was pinning
the whole show on was good.
No. Very, very good."
(laughter)
Um, who wants to guess
the name of this guru?
-Cooper: Ooh.
-Anyone? Name. Yeah.
-(woman shouts)
-Veronica. No.
-Man: Electra.
-Electra? Behave.
(audience shouting names)
-Morton and Cooper:
Nancy.
-No.
I feel like this woman's
just lost someone
called Nancy.
-(laughing)
-Nancy!
-Nancy!
-(audience laughs)
-Where the fuck are you?
We're at the wrong show!
-(Morton laughing)
No, I didn't--
I'm sorry, guys,
but I didn't hear it.
-Because...
"Melania was," uh--
-(laughter)
-Cooper: No! Okay.
-Morton: I'm-- I'm joking.
I'm obviously joking.
-Um, no. "Natasha Biles..."
-(Levine laughing)
-Cooper: Okay.
-That's an interesting
choice of surname, isn't it?
-Morton: It is, isn't it?
-Because that's not...
It's not a sexy liquid,
is it? Bile.
-No, it's kind of like
pre-vomit, isn't it?
-Levine: Yeah.
-Acid reflux is essentially--
-That's basically it. Yeah.
"Natasha Biles was
the best in the industry,
and she almost always guaranteed
exceptional results."
(laughing)
"In reality, she herself
was a fiery redhead."
-Oh.
-Alice.
-Cooper: Hello.
-Guilty as charged.
-"Of French extraction,
not the less."
-(audience hoots)
"As it turned out,
she was also the local
female lifeboat member."
-I'm drinking on that.
-I'm drinking on that,
as well.
You don't really want,
you know, to think about
drowning people
-when you're reading porn.
-Yeah. Really. Yeah.
There'll be
a small cross section
of the community that do.
(audience laughing)
So, "As it turned out,
she was also the local
female lifeboat member, so,
"she was equally at home
in a pair of yellow
Wellingtons and oil skins,
as in a team building
businesswoman's uniform."
(laughter)
That is a lot of interesting
sartorial choices
in one sentence.
"With a light heart,
Belinda checked in."
And, sorry. Can I just say,
that's one fucking paragraph.
-(laughter)
-Morton: Look.
There it is. On its own.
It's just so sad.
-It's unorthodox,
I'll give you that.
-It's very important.
"She strolled down the wide,
exquisitely carpeted staircase."
-Levine: Oh, God.
We're gonna be drunker than--
-Cooper: Looks like a drink.
The weirdest things
get her off, don't they?
-Uh, yeah. Yeah.
-She's, like walking down
the stairs going, who laid that?
(Morton laughing)
-Oh, my God, it goes
all the way to the edge. Ah!
-(laughter)
-Kill!
-What? That's...
-That's your definition
of "exquisitely carpeted"?
-(audience laughing)
-Functional carpet.
-Cooper: To the edge.
Levine:
To the edge of the room.
"Her comfortable, yet sexy
black leather trouser suit..."
-Whoa, another great look.
-Whoa.
-Yeah.
-Did you say it was
comfortable, yet sexy?
Yeah, yeah.
"Comfortable, yet sexy."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel like she's worn it
a lot, like there's a bit
of give in the gusset.
-(laughter)
-(Morton groans)
Oh, James.
-It's comfy.
-A baggy crotch. No.
-(giggling)
-"Her comfortable, yet sexy,
black leather trouser suit
squeaked...
-as she--"
-So she's literally like...
(squeaking)
-Mental.
-(laughter)
"...as she strutted along
the long, tiled hallway
into the conference room."
I would argue that surfaces
are getting a lot of airtime,
-and not...
not much sex, thus far.
-Morton: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
-Morton: No.
-(audience laughing)
"Natasha stood up
and immediately pushed
her throbbing tongue
-into Belinda's purple mouth."
-Levine (laughing): Okay.
-(audience laughing)
-Cooper: Wow.
-Now we've started.
-I spoke too soon. Okay.
-We're literally
in Belinda's mouth.
-Morton: Yes.
Yeah, well, Natasha is.
There's a lot
of activity there.
-There's quite a lot going on.
-Cooper: Lovely greeting,
isn't it?
-Yeah.
-Do you want
to break it down?
-Oh, what, go fifty-fifty?
-Yeah. I'll, uh...
What was it, purple mouth?
I'll take the purple mouth.
And I will take
throbbing tongue.
-Cooper: Okay. Good.
-I won't take throbbing tongue,
although...
-We'll see. There's some...
-(laughter)
-Cooper: The night is young.
-...eligible bachelors
in the room, yeah.
-Uh, yeah. Purple mouth.
Uh, is she dying?
-(laughter)
-Morton: No! No. No, no,
she's fine. She's fine.
-Cooper: No. Choking?
-Cooper: Ill?
-Morton: No, no, no.
She's fine.
-Cooper: Okay, fine.
-Levine: Okay. My question is
about the aforementioned,
-uh, throbbing tongue.
-Yes, Alice. Yes?
Um, I just wanted to know
is that this kind of motion,
like a...
-Morton: Yeah.
-(audience laughing)
Yeah. I imagine
it's kind of like, yeah,
like, like, pulsing.
-Like, you can feel
the blood, like...
-(audience groaning)
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that your line?
-(laughing)
'Cause you are literally
fucked for the rest
of this book, like...
-Oh, sorry.
One more question, actually.
-Morton: Yes?
-Um, have they ever met?
-(laughter)
-Interesting question.
They have...
-You're such a prude.
-...never met. No.
-Cooper: Never met.
Okay. Good.
Not even a hello?
Just a...
(lisping):
Nice to meet you. Uh...
Um, guys, guys, guys.
-"Belinda blinked."
-(all cheering)
-Cooper: Cheers, cheers.
-Morton: Mm.
-Levine: To you and yours.
To you and yours.
-Cooper: To you and yours.
Right. (sighs)
-(stammers, grunts)
-Levine: Oh!
-Cooper: You all right?
-Do you know you're
making a noise?
-Yes.
-There's something,
there's something--
-You're exhaling
audibly.
-(chuckles)
-Um... a...
-(laughter)
Would you just give me
a fucking second!
You're deflating.
We're concerned.
-(speaking gibberish)
-(laughter)
-I don't know what's happening,
but can it last forever?
-(laughter)
(in bad French accent):
"I-I'm, ah... Natasha.
"And I'm in charge naah.
Yeah? Yeah?"
-No, definitely.
"I'm in charge naah."
-Morton: Yeah?
Cooper:
"Charge naah."
-Was that supposed
to be... French?
-That was French.
-It's very good, I thought.
-No, no. I-I think that was
a hate crime.
-(laughter)
-Oh, okay, okay.
-I'm offended for them.
-Morton: Okay, fine.
Uh, is anyone in the room
French tonight?
Or at least thinks they can do
a better accent than I.
-Levine: Ooh.
-Morton: Yes.
Um, are you
willing to play
Natasha Biles
for the rest of the show?
-Yeah?
-(audience cheering)
You can't be worse
than me, so...
Um, but, come on,
please take this
fucking seriously, okay.
I take my accents
incredibly seriously.
You know, I... I prep them.
They're not always appreciated
in their time, um...
But we want real commitment,
okay? Think the method.
Daniel Day-Lewis,
Meryl Streep-level, okay?
-What is your name,
by the way?
-Tim.
No! You're Natasha Biles!
-Natasha! Natasha.
-Morton: For God's sake!
-Look alive, Natasha.
-Tim, Tim, Tim,
-Tim, Tim, Tim... Oh.
-Morton: This will not end well.
Levine:
Okay.
(in French accent):
I am, uh, Natasha,
and, uh, I'm in charge now.
(audience cheering, applauding)
I promised myself
I wouldn't do this,
Tim, but, um...
-Oh, fuck off, Levine.
That was...
-That was incredible.
-...middling!
-That was honestly...
incredible.
-Cooper: Thank you for that.
-Levine: Thank you.
I will call on you.
But please...
don't build your part
in the meantime. You know.
Switch his mic off.
(audience laughing)
But, no. Thank you
so much for being involved.
We really appreciate it.
(laughing)
"Natasha put her hand
on Belinda's...
-knee."
-(laughter)
-Did you hear
that anticipation?
-Morton: Yeah.
-They're gagging for it,
this lot. Look at them.
-They are so sex-starved.
-Everyone's like, where
did she put her hand?
-(laughter)
"Feeling no flinching
or resistance..."
-That's called consent,
everybody.
-(laughter)
-What?
-No. No, it's not.
-That's really not consent.
-(laughter)
-Morton: What,
not flinching or resisting?
-(laughter)
-Do you want to have
a conference behind my hands?
-Yeah.
-You're so wrong. Um...
-(laughter)
-That's not consent, is it?
If somebody just doesn't flinch.
-(audience laughing)
-Oh, it's so murky, isn't it?
-(laughter)
-So if they don't recoil...
-If they're not sick,
is normally my--
-Levine: Right.
Okay. Okay.
-Yeah.
Um, so, "...feeling no
flinching or resistance,
she slid it up
the leather-clad leg."
-Slid what up?
Oh, the hand. The hand.
-Morton: Her hand. Her hand.
Uh, the leather-clad leg
of the chair, or of Belinda?
-Of Belinda!
-Okay. Sorry.
There's a lot of leather.
-"Belinda opened her leg."
-(laughing)
-One leg?
-Singular.
She just sort of,
spatchcocked her thigh.
Morton:
Yeah. Yeah.
So, "Belinda opened her leg,"
um, "allowing Natasha..."
-Levine: This is so stupid.
"...free access to..."
If you say WiFi,
I'm walking out.
I was just...
that's just my...
that's my line.
Why? she's got four bars
up there. Just...
She's got
a very connected vagina.
Just put your email in,
and you're away.
I want you to know,
at this point, I could say
4G-spot, but I haven't.
I just want you to know that.
I've taken the high ground.
I've taken the high ground.
Uh, no, um...
Uh, "free access
to her groin."
-Groin?
-Morton: Yeah.
Sexy, huh?
"With an experienced... hand,
"Natasha undid Belinda's
patent leather belt
-and pulled down..."
-Are you having an episode?
-Why are you speaking like that?
-This is really fucking hard
to read.
Can I just get this-- just this
one sentence up, please?
So, look. So, "Belinda opened
her leg allowing Natasha free
access to her groin." Fine.
-"With an experienced... hand"
-(laughter)
"Natasha undid Belinda's
patent leather belt
"and pulled, down...
-Levine: Oh, my God.
-"...her trousers's zip."
-Morton: "Trousers's zip."
-(audience cheering)
-Morton:
We have to drink on that.
-Oh, drink. Drinks for days.
You couldn't dream it
so good, could you.
-"Her hand... dove
into the vaginal area."
-(laughter, cheering)
-Oh! Bloody hell!
-Morton: Whoa!
-Morton:
Fucking hell, James.
-Sounds like she's...
That was good.
I heard the wind
rush past you.
Just straight in there.
No splash.
-Morton: Oh. Don't...
-Oh, sorry.
Don't say no splash.
-I heard it as I said it. Sorry.
-(audience laughing)
"Her hand... dove
into the vaginal area,
where two...
-fingers..."
-Levine: Oh, God.
"...pulled aside..."
-Cooper: What?
-Morton: "...the flimsy..."
-Flimsy? Aah!
-"red...
-panties."
-Levine: Whew.
-Cooper: Okay.
-So, like... No, like that.
-No, like that.
-What are you doing?
What was--
Just do that again.
What was that?
Now, I was just hooking them,
the panties, to the side.
Morton: I mean,
I would rather you didn't,
but yeah.
-But then I was thinking--
-Morton: What is that?
-Stop doing that.
-What is that?
I thought that might be
the inflammatory move. Um...
No, I was just thinking
of those... sexy pants.
Uh, you know the ones
that are cut up the middle.
-There's a chap,
"I know. Yeah."
-(laughter)
Levine: Um...
"Oh, I've seen 'em."
Um, so then you would do that,
or like... that.
-Stop! What are you-- ?
-Whoa.
They're not curtains.
Fucking hell. Morning!
-(Morton laughs)
-That's more like Mum on an
iPad, isn't it? That's like...
"Two fingers pulled aside
the flimsy red panties,
and entered
-her clitoris."
-(audience groans, laughs)
-(chuckles) Yes?
-James, you have a question.
Levine: The lady
in the blouse. Yes?
Yeah. Um, not
my area of expertise,
-Yes. Yeah.
-But...
you cannot enter a clitoris?
(cheers, applause)
-Cooper: No, please.
-Morton: Whoa, whoa.
James, sit down.
You lot, you should know better.
Do not applaud
basic knowledge like that.
Especially when he said it
as a fucking question.
-"You cannot enter a clitoris?"
-(laughter)
That's actually progress,
worryingly.
-Yeah, well, that's true. Yeah.
-I'll put that in the notebook.
-That's another
learning for another day.
-Levine: Is there a notebook?
-You know, just the things
I've learned.
-Musings.
-Musings, you know,
"You cannot enter a clitoris."
-Yeah. Great. Good.
-"Not flinching is
not consent."
-(laughing)
"Belinda gently eased
her trousers down her asshole."
-(Cooper cackling)
-(audience laughing)
-Asshole!
-(giggling)
"Down her asshole."
How big's her asshole? Down?
-Asshole. Asshole...
-Into the lower mezzanine
of her asshole.
-That's really cool.
He's just...
-Cooper: Wow.
-He's got asshole
in there, hasn't he?
-Dad, what the fuck? Like...
-That's not nice.
-Are you proud of him?
-(laughter)
-Not right now. No.
(laughing): "Belinda
gently eased her trousers
down her asshole,
"being careful not to impede
Natasha's rhythmic touching..."
-Levine: Ooh.
-(laughter)
-Hang on, hang on, hang on.
So, Natasha's like that.
-Morton: Yeah.
-But Belinda's like,
"I'm so sorry."
-Levine: Yeah, so like...
-"Can I just, like..."
-(audience laughing)
-Morton: Do you mind if--?
-Oh, whoa!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-No, I didn't. No, I didn't.
-You touched a bollock.
-No, I didn't!
-Cooper: You did.
-Morton: Did she really?
-You touched a bollock.
-(laughing)
-It was fine.
I thought we were fine.
-You were just saying...
-Alice entered my clitoris.
-No, I didn't.
I'm not surprised.
Five-finger Levine was
going for it up there.
She was absolutely
loving it.
"Belinda put her left leg up
on the arm of Natasha's
carved oak captain's chair."
(audience laughing)
-"She ran her left hand
through her raven mane...
-Ooh!
"...whilst her right
caressed her shapely body.
"Tracing the line
of her taut inner thigh,
she stroked her fingertips
over Natasha's broad shoulders."
-Sorry, Jamie.
I'm so sorry to interrupt.
-Yes. Sorry.
Anyone else
getting a bit lost?
-It is a bit hard to follow,
yeah. To be fair.
-Cooper: Yeah, like...
-Levine: Just-- just now.
-Cooper: Just now.
-Like, bits are going
in different places.
-Morton: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-It's kind of turning into a bit
of a game of Twister, isn't it?
-Yeah. It is.
Do you know what this would be
a great opportunity to do?
-Something we can't do
on the podcast.
-Leave early?
-(laughs) No. But great idea.
-No, no, no, no. Yeah.
-A recreation.
-Yes!
-(audience hoots)
-Let's bring the book to life!
-Morton: I'm up for that. Yeah.
-I'm game. Yeah.
Okay, great.
So I'm gonna need
a couple of volunteers
from the audience.
I'm gonna go-- I think
I'm gonna go amongst them.
-Good luck.
-Lube me up.
I'm going in.
All right. Okay.
Um, anyone-- anyone
someone's plus one?
Anyone, like,
what the hell am I-- Oh! Oh!
-Hello.
-Hi.
-Hi. Uh, so you're
a plus one?
-Yes.
-Is this a date?
-No.
-Woman: Yes, it is.
-It's a date?
-Woman: It is. It is.
-A first date?
-Yes, it is.
-(all laughing)
-What was that?
-It definitely is
a first date.
Oh, my God!
We've got a first date!
Oh, my God. Right.
-Right, right, right.
What's your name?
-Ari. Ari!
-Ari. Ari, and...
-Tom.
Ari and Tom.
-So, how did you meet?
-We work together.
You work together?
Oh, my God. It's like
Steeles Pots and Pans!
-(laughing)
-Where do you work?
No, no...
-A chemical company.
-No, no.
-A chemical company.
-(laughing)
Our company makes
the latex for condoms.
-Are you fucking
joking me?
-(audience cheering)
Oh, my God.
Well, um, I hope you manage
to use your own products
this evening.
(laughter)
Have a fabulous night.
Give 'em a round
of applause, guys.
(audience cheering, whistling)
Uh, okay. So, would anyone
like to help us recreate
a scene this evening?
Oh, yes. Oh, my God.
She's got, like,
the perfect Belinda hair.
-Cooper: Okay.
-(laughing)
-Hello. What's your name?
-Katie.
Katie. Okay, Katie.
What do you do for a job?
-I'm a chef.
-She's a chef!
She works with pots and pans!
-It's fate.
-Cooper: It's meant to be.
You're perfect.
Katie, you're our Belinda.
-There you go.
-(audience cheering)
Head up to the stage.
Uh, we also need a Natasha.
-So, will you be our Natasha?
-Of course. Yeah.
Amazing. Okay.
We have our Natasha.
Give her a round of applause.
Head up to the stage.
Let's go.
(audience cheering)
Okay. Right.
So, if you take a seat
in the chair,
you're Natasha.
You stand there.
You're Belinda.
Okay. Right. So,
what's gonna happen is,
Jamie's gonna read
from the book,
and you literally
have to act out
what he says. Okay?
-Good luck. It's bad.
-(laughing)
Cooper: Um, I feel like
we need to help these two
-get in the mood,
though, don't we?
-Morton: Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
Could we set, uh,
a kind of sexy mood
onstage, please?
(slow porn groove music playing)
-Cooper: Ooh, yes.
-I also have
something for you.
-Oh, wow.
-Cooper: LED tea-lights. Alice!
You shouldn't have.
Morton:
I think we're learning
a lot about Alice Levine's
private life, here.
-LED tea-lights. Hello!
-They work every time.
Every time. Yeah.
Cooper:
Okay, Jamie.
I think we're ready.
-So, when you're ready to...
-Okay.
"Belinda put
her left leg
up on the arm of Natasha's
carved oak captain's chair."
-Okay, you have
to come-- Whoa!
-(audience hooting)
(cheering, whistling)
-So that's
what it looks like!
-(laughing)
Oh, gods!
Okay, hang on.
Have you got--
Oh, can I just borrow that?
Okay, put your left foot up.
Trust me, trust me.
-Okay.
-On the arm.
On the arm.
(audience laughing)
There you go.
Hold that there.
Hold that there. Okay.
"She ran her left hand
through her raven mane,
whilst her right
caressed her shapely body."
-I'll hold the hat for you.
There you go.
-Oh, thank you.
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-Morton: Yes!
-(cheering, applause)
-Cooper: Woo!
-Has anyone else got
a semi, because...
-(laughing)
This is hot stuff.
"Tracing the line
of her taut inner thigh..."
Cooper:
There you go. Yeah.
"...she stroked her fingertips
over Natasha's broad shoulders."
Okay, so if you bring them
around here, just stroke her
like a cat. There you go.
-Belinda: Oh! Almost!
-Oh, God.
Leg up. Arm here.
There we go.
I feel like James
would be such a bossy lover.
-No, arm there.
No, caress me there.
-Leg up. Arm there. Come on.
-Cooper: Yeah.
-Okay. "She grabbed
her left breast."
If Rocky's written it,
it's possible.
Belinda:
I have to grab it forward.
Cooper: There we go.
She's on the breast!
(cheering, applause)
I'll take that.
"She squeezed
a nut-shaped nipple..."
Wait, wait, wait.
We've got nuts.
We've got some nuts.
We'll bring you a nut.
Cooper: Okay,
what have we got?
-Levine: What would you like?
-What nipple would you like?
-Cooper: Should we go
with that one?
-Yeah, sure.
-Cooper: That's nice and fancy.
-Levine: That's offensive,
but, yeah.
No, no.
You hold it.
You hold it where
the nipple goes.
There we go.
"She squeezed
a nut-shaped nipple
and followed the outline
with her forefinger."
-Morton:
"Going, going 'round."
-Cooper: Going 'round.
-Morton: "And 'round."
-Cooper: And 'round.
-"And round."
-(laughs): And round.
-"And 'round."
-(laughing)
"But increasing the pressure
with each circumnavigation."
Cooper: Okay, you really give it
some, and you're enjoying it.
You're enjoying it.
(laughs)
"Natasha moaned deeply."
-Uh... (laughs)
-(all laughing)
(moans)
-"Belinda bent her head..."
-There we go.
"...and started to excavate
her damp cave."
-(audience exclaiming)
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's quite enough.
Let's stop the music.
Let's get the lights
back to normal.
I think that's quite enough.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a round of applause
for Belinda and Natasha.
Take a bow, girls.
Take a bow.
(cheering, whistling)
Thank you. Thank you.
I mean, that was...
(laughs) That was
a train wreck.
-That was a lot.
-Morton: But, you know,
well done, James.
-I saw a vagina.
-(audience laughing)
Okay.
"Suddenly,
the girls heard the sound
of the regional
sales managers..."
Oh, my God.
That's why we're here.
I'd completely forgotten
why we were here.
-It's like the Beatles
have arrived.
-(laughter)
"...of the regional
sales manager's cars
parking outside.
"They quickly dressed
one another,
finishing just as her
subordinates plodded
into the room."
Levine:
Way to kill the energy,
Rocky. Thanks.
"Patrick O'Hamlin..."
-(audience cheering)
-Cooper: Yay!
Yeah, he's in charge
of two whole countries,
lest we forget.
Scotland,
and Ireland.
Busy man.
-"Ken Dewsbury..."
-(audience cheering)
Really? He films women
in his cellar.
Guys, come on.
-You guys are sick.
-"Des Martin..."
(cheering)
And he dribbles during sex.
God, this lot.
"And Dave Wilcox..."
-(scattered cheers)
-Oh.
The Ringo of the group,
clearly.
"...slumped into the expansive
collection of chairs."
So, the regional
sales managers are kind of
all on the same level, right,
within the hierarchy
of the company?
Yeah, they're all under
Belinda, so to speak.
I actually, um, thought
it'd be useful to see
the kind of company structure
of Steeles Pots and Pans.
Uh, 'cause there's been
so much thought put
into these books.
Um, so I actually
have it here. Um...
So, there's Belinda,
the center of it all.
Levine: I love that we're
supposed to be turned on,
and we're looking at a chart
of the company structure
of a pots and pans company.
Yeah, it's not
the most sexy, is it?
It's also not that useful.
What's really important
is to see who's fucked who.
-Yes!
-So, let's...
let's change that,
and see who's
done the dirty
with whom.
-Levine:
Oh, jeez.
-(laughter)
Yeah. So, you
really kind of,
so, you know--
Cooper: Wow.
What do all
the lines mean?
Yeah. So, red is
"flirting whilst nude."
-(laughing)
-Um, you know,
so not that much
of that's gone on,
actually, at Steeles
Pots and Pans.
Heavy petting
is rife.
A lot of that's
been going on.
That's
the blue line.
Then you've got
all the sex,
which is
the green one,
So again, not that much
going on at Steeles.
So let's widen it out,
and have a look
at the context
with every character
that's ever graced
-the Belinda Blinked universe.
-Cooper: Oh, my God.
-Levine: Oh, my God.
-Morton: Look at it.
It's like the London
Underground. Look at it.
-I love that all lines lead
to Belinda, as well.
-Morton: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Although, and this is so sad,
look, Jim Thompson. Nothing!
-Not a sausage, literally.
-(Levine laughing)
-Cooper: Poor Jim!
-Morton: Poor Jim!
"But the session
had begun."
-Yes, it had.
-(cheers)
"Natasha placed three dice
onto the table."
-Dice?
-Morton: Dice.
-(scoffs) Okay.
-"And asked each person
to take a throw."
"Patrick O'Hamlin.
He went first." Oh, yeah.
"And with a hint of a tease,
he scored three... sixes!"
Levine:
Oh, that's good!
That is the best you can
do with three dice.
-I'm sorry.
What are we playing?
-(laughter)
-Uh, we're playing dice.
-Dice. Yeah, he did say that.
Not a game, but cool.
-"Everyone else groaned..."
-Levine: Oh, let's groan.
-(groans)
-(groans)
"...swearing at the luck
of the Irish..."
-(laughing)
-Bastards.
"...the rest of the RSMs
took their throws.
"Des Martin scored
a good, solid ten..."
-Levine: That's decent.
-"...from a three, a five,
and a two."
(laughing)
Nobody cares!
"Dave Wilcox scored a 12...
(audience cheers)
-"...from a five,
a six, and a one."
-(laughing)
I love that he's just
filling pages.
-"And Ken Dewsbury...
-(cheering)
-"...a measly seven."
-Levine: Ooh.
Oh, let me guess.
A one, a four, a two.
-Morton: "From a two,
a three, and a two."
-Oh.
"Natasha picked up the dice."
Oh, there's more dice,
more dice.
"And she passed them
on to Belinda."
-It's a lot of dice admin.
-Morton (laughing): Yeah.
"Belinda smiled, but...
-"she didn't wink."
-(laughter)
-Then don't write it.
-Yeah. Good to know.
Thanks, Dad.
-(laughing)
-You don't need to document it
if it didn't happen.
"Her quick but casual throw..."
Don't know where they went.
Do not care.
"Her quick but casual throw
resulted...
-in a score..."
-Oh, can we drumroll?
Can we do a little...?
(all patting rhythmically)
"...of..."
-"...four..."
-(audience laughing)
-Oh, God.
-"...from a one, a two...
and another wretched one."
That's
disappointing.
"Natasha Biles looked
daggers at her..."
-(laughing)
"...as a stunned silence
said everything there was
to say on the matter.
"Belinda lowered her eyes
and thought...
"Fuck me.
(laughter)
"I've... I've ruined
her exercise.
What's she gonna do to me now?"
-Can we get a tiny bit
of perspective?
-(laughing)
"Natasha said..."
(in French accent):
"'That's the end
of dice class.
"'Belinda, seeing as
you came bottom,
"'you must spend the rest
of the afternoon...
-"'topless.'"
-(laughing)
(audience cheering)
"Natasha took Belinda
by the elbow...
(Levine giggles)
...guided her
to the edge of the room
and licked her face."
-Levine: Oh, God.
-(laughing)
-Levine: As you do.
-Cooper: Why?
I literally have no idea
what's going on in this
fucking book.
"Secretly, she pulled out
a box of Humphries
Dice and Mice
joke shop dice."
My preferred brand.
"And whispered..."
-Tim (in French accent):
"'As you can see...'"
-Morton: Whispered.
(whispering):
"'As you can see,
"'my box of dice
are from Humphries
"'Dice and Mice
joke shop.
"'Suppliers to royalty.'"
(laughing, cheering)
Levine: It's very good.
It's very, very good.
(in high-pitched voice):
"'Why, why you...
you, you... why, you--"
Levine:
That does not say that.
-Look.
-Oh, it does say that.
Get up, get up.
Get this line up.
-(laughter)
-(Cooper cackling)
"'Why, why you...
you, you...
"'why you, you...
you, why you.
You switched the dice
when it was my turn.'"
That is poetry.
That is beautiful.
"'Natasha declared..."
(in French accent):
"'What do you expect?
I am a guru.'"
(laughing)
"Lust and professional respect
pulsed through her body."
-(laughing)
Two very different emotions
all at--
"It was as if
Natasha could taste it
on her breath."
-Levine: Oh.
-Her breath? Have you eaten
lust and professional respect?
-(laughing)
-Ooh, it's very strong.
Does it repeat?
Is it like onions?
"It was as if Natasha
could taste it on her breath,
"because she slowly
pulled up her skirt...
and flashed her cervix."
(audience cheering)
Morton:
Now...
(audience wolf whistles)
He has done this before.
Dad doesn't know
what a cervix is.
-He thinks it's just
another word for vagina.
-(Cooper laughing)
And, I... Alice.
This is a specific
pet peeve of yours.
It should be a specific
pet peeve of all of ours.
And it is, absolutely.
But, I think particularly,
it's a bee in your bonnet.
-Cooper: Yeah.
-Well, he does just think
that all of the lady bits
are sort of jumbled up
in a bag, and they can
kind of go anywhere.
It feels like this would be
a missed opportunity to not
clear it up once and for all,
-so can I take
two minutes of your time?
-Cooper: Please.
-Please. Alice,
you can take four.
-Thanks. Okay.
(audience cheering)
So it will surprise you to hear
that we do do some preparation
before the show. I know.
And we were reading
this study, because Rocky
does really struggle...
-Morton: Yeah, he does.
-...with female anatomy.
But it turns out,
so do a lot of you.
Because 50 percent
of millennial women
don't know where
their vagina is.
-That's real. That's not a joke.
-Morton: It's true.
It's a true fact.
This is not
a laughing matter. Okay?
I don't mean they're like,
"Is it here?"
I mean, they, like, don't know
which bit's which. So...
What do you think
that top label is?
They are the...?
(indistinct shouts
from audience)
I said to the boys backstage,
I had a little peek through
the curtain,
I was like,
"We have a room
full of FalTu fans."
Yes. Fallopian tubes.
Okay.
Brilliant. Okay.
Next one down.
What are they?
Audience:
Ovaries!
Okay, that was
almost unanimous,
apart from a chap--
I'm not gonna look at you,
sir, 'cause I don't want
to embarrass anybody,
but in this zone,
who definitely said lungs,
but yes, that is...
the... the lungs
of the reproductive system,
if you like.
That is the ovaries.
Sir, please be careful.
You are gonna kill someone.
Um... next one down.
I'll give you a little clue.
It's the team player.
You can't spell this
without "us."
Yes, it's the uterus.
You betcha.
Um, okay, bottom right, sir,
that's not what it's called.
-What is the bottom right one?
-(audience shouts answers)
-Did someone say banana?
-(audience laughing)
It's worse than I thought.
It's higher than 50 percent.
That is the vagina. Okay.
So the last one...
Let's just have
just complete silence
for a second.
Um, and I think
on the count of three,
we could all do this together.
Because I am gonna have a little
guess that this is not happening
anywhere else in London tonight.
Okay. So on the count
of three, as loudly--
at the top of your lungs,
you might say, sir--
-(laughter)
Mind blown. Okay.
Three, two, one...
ALL:
Cervix!
-That was magical. I...
-(cheering)
-Yeah.
-(applause)
Yeah. Applaud yourselves.
Yeah.
Because you just made
me come, so thank you.
-(laughing)
-Thank you so much.
Thank you.
(audience cheering)
Alice Levine.
Fucking respect.
-That was good.
-Levine: Thanks.
Morton:
"The team couldn't believe
their luck,
"as Natasha and Belinda
unbuttoned their blouses,
"unhooked their brassieres,
and let their respective
tits hang out."
-Levine: Yes.
-(laughter)
Cooper:
Respective tits?
These are my tits.
Those are your tits.
"Within seconds,
a somewhat flushed-ish..."
-(laughter)
-Oh!
That's, although stupid,
quite nice, "flushed-ish."
-Oh, it's ever so nice to say.
-Cooper: Flushed-ish.
"Within seconds,
a somewhat flushed-ish
"Patrick O'Hamlin
stood up and said...
-(in whiny voice): "'Hey!"
-(Cooper cackles)
"'Hey, listen to me.
I got the straight sixes.
-"'I'm strippin' off, too.'"
-Cooper: Oh.
"Suddenly, Ken Dewsbury
piped up.
(audience hoots)
-"'Fuck it.'"
-(laughter)
"'Fuck it. I did no better
than ladies.
-"'I reckon I should be
balled naked, too.'"
-Levine: Balled naked?
"Then, unbelievably,
"keeping true to his word,
Ken Dewsbury removed
all of his clothes."
-I don't want to see it.
-"He folded them carefully."
Drink.
Although, I think that's
sexy and respectful.
"He folded them carefully
on one of the wing-backed
chairs..."
-(laughing) Yes.
-Cooper: That's another drink,
isn't it?
"...sitting around the edge
of the recently vacuumed
room."
-(laughing)
-Cooper: Yeah.
(Morton stammers)
"He then... took care...
to sit on his socks..."
-(laughing)
-"...so as to not..."
Oh, God,
I don't like it
when you pause.
-"...soil the soft furnishings."
-Levine: Oh...
(audience groans)
-Levine: Mm. Mm-mm, mm.
-Has... Has Ken done a poo?
(laughter)
Sorry, because he's about to...
(mumbles): shit himself,
-or he has...
(mumbles): shit himself?
-(mumbles): I don't know.
-Okay, okay.
-It doesn't say.
-It doesn't
really matter, does it?
-Really doesn't matter.
-It's a moot point.
-Shit's coming either way.
Right. Yep.
"Des Martin, never one
to be caught out,
immediately stripped down
to his black thong."
-(audience cheering)
-Cooper: Oh!
I don't care
how many times he writes it,
it's not catching on.
Although, in the room tonight,
I felt like there was a lot
of support for that.
Let's say 80 percent
of the men are wearing
black thongs tonight.
"Natasha thought the session
was going rather well."
What was the criteria?
"Belinda was delighted."
(laughter)
"Dave Wilcox was confused."
(laughter)
"But he promptly stripped off,
for he was a businessman."
(laughter)
-And that's what
they do, is it?
-Yeah. I guess.
"Natasha's
fuckably-shaped breasts..."
-(laughter)
-Cooper: Aah?
Don't answer this,
either of you.
Just think about it.
What shape are they?
What shape is
a fuckably-shaped breast?
-Is it like, a--
-Don't answer it.
(laughter)
"Natasha's
fuckably-shaped breasts
-"echoed..."
-(laughter)
Ga-doon, ga-doon,
ga-doon, ga-doon...
Like one of those,
you know, those exec toys,
-that people have
on their desks?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(laughter)
"Natasha's fuckably-shaped
breasts echoed the maturity
"of her tanned, rounded body,
and good, sturdy legs."
-Sturdy legs, as well?
-Morton: Yeah.
-Is that sexy? Sturdy legs?
-Sturdy legs.
Do you look at somebody like,
"Ooh, I bet she can stand up
for hours."
-She doesn't look like
she needs a chair.
-(laughter)
"It was all too much
for Des Martin.
"He simply had to have Belinda,
team building session or no."
(laughter)
"He reached over and pulled
down the boss's knickers."
(laughing)
I just like that
as a turn of phrase.
"You think you're
the boss's knickers, don't you."
Everyone in the room
gasped at his cheek."
(all gasping)
-Levine: Very good.
-"And they waited.
Boy, did they wait"
for the slap on the face
he so truly deserved."
-"It never came."
-(laughter)
Is there no justice?
"Belinda turned 'round
-"and kissed Des Martin..."
-Levine: Aw.
-"...deeply..."
-Cooper: That's nice.
-"...on his cock."
-(audience laughing)
-Levine: That's really cool.
-Cooper: That's really cool.
-That's cool.
-That's the coolest thing
I've ever heard.
Isn't that
the coolest thing ever?
How... How do
you kiss someone
deeply on the cock?
-You tell me.
-(laughing)
-Tongue down
the urethra? I don't know...
-Oh, you're gonna answer?
(audience groans)
-You just... Wow.
-It's a guess!
-That is the most
Rocky thing you've ever said.
-(laughing)
You answered so quickly.
Why didn't you give it a beat?
-Levine: Pretend
you've just thought of it.
-Here's what I like:
"Tongue down the urethra."
What a perfect
impression of me.
"Here's what I like.
Tongue down urethra."
(audience laughing)
"She opened her mouth wide
and took him in."
-Oh!
-Cooper: Took him in?
-That's-- "Are you cold?"
-(laughing)
"Come on. Do you need
somewhere to stay
for the night?"
Stop pointing so much.
We can find it. Thank you.
"...opened her mouth wide
and took him in,
-"in one gulp."
-Oh, my God.
-Has she swallowed his cock?
-She's, like, shucked him back
like an oyster.
"Des Martin screamed."
-Cooper: I'll bet he did.
-Levine: "I'm not surprised."
"Where's my cock?"
-"I had it this morning."
-(laughing)
Oh, my God.
Oh, hang on. Sorry. No.
I read it wrong... ish.
"Des Martin screamed
in ecstasy."
-Cooper: Oh. Okay.
-No, I beg to differ.
I don't think he did.
That sounds aw--
it sounds horrific.
"And..." Fuck.
"...white...
-"...semen..."
-(audience groans)
"...dribbled down
Belinda's throat."
(audience groaning)
Eww-agh! Okay.
(giggles):
Oh, God.
(audience cheering)
-(cackling)
-Levine: Would it be...?
I'm literally,
I'm... I'm a wreck.
I'm a wreck of a man.
-Levine: Your dad... Yeah.
-(shouting): I know!
No, you know. You know.
You know. I don't need
to say it. You know, so...
-Cooper: God.
-Is it...
a bad time to just ask you
to reread the last line--
just recap the last line?
-Really?
-I can't remember
the exact wording of the...
Okay, fine.
"Des Martin screamed
in ecstasy
as white semen dribbled down
Belinda's throat."
Mm. It's no better
on second hearing.
I thought
it might have mellowed.
"Patrick O' Hamlin
could wait no longer.
With a mighty leap and a bound,
he cleared the table..."
Spiderman.
"...catching Natasha
by the breasts."
She's not a climbing wall!
"He threw her onto
the exquisitely laid
parquet floors."
(laughing)
"There, writhing
in expectation,
"Patrick O'Hamlin entered
her vagina and tickled
her labia."
(laughter)
He "entered her."
It sounds like
he kind of went, like...
with one of those
head torches on.
Yep. Yep.
Good in here.
If you knock that down,
that's-- that's the partition.
That pelvic floor,
that can come up.
(laughter)
"Natasha opened her legs wider."
-Well, she'd have to. There's
a whole man up there, doing...
-(laughing)
...quite an extensive
renovation.
"And pulled Patrick even deeper
into her rampant body."
-Levine: Oh, shit!
-So it's just a pair of shoes?
-Like this. Yeah.
"Meanwhile..."
-(laughing)
-Back at the office...
-"Meanwhile..."
"Des Martin returned
Belinda's mouth
-to his now
reinvigorated penis."
-Cooper: Oh, lovely.
"And started to screw her
politely.
(laughing)
Oh, no, please.
After you. May I?
"Ken Dewsbury had set about
entering Belinda,
and he started to fuck her
with gusto."
-Levine: Oh...
-Cooper: Gusto?
Is that, like...
Ba-da-da dah!
-No, that's pizzazz.
-Oh. (laughs)
Gusto, Pizzazz.
There's a fine line.
You do always
get them confused.
"This all left an ever so
bewildered Dave Wilcox,
-who quickly squatted
on Natasha's face..."
-Levine: Oh, my God.
-Don't do it quickly.
-No. That's a thing to take
your time over, isn't it?
She'll have
two black eyes. Aah!
-Just like a... boom!
-Ooh!
"...enabling her
to chew his testicles."
(audience groaning)
This is really rough.
This is horrible, horrible...
I don't want to speak
for the male experience,
but I'm gonna...
Look at James! He's like,
protecting himself.
Using your teeth
to chew on a testicle,
-I'm just gonna say
that might hurt.
-It's not advisable, yeah.
-It'd be like biting into
a pickled onion, wouldn't it?
-(audience groaning)
-Morton: Oh, my God.
-Levine: Why?
-Why so vinegary?
-(audience laughing)
Not the taste.
The texture, you loon!
-"He growled in pleasure..."
-He didn't. He just didn't.
"...waiting for Patrick O'Hamlin
to drain himself."
(audience groans)
I've never been
more upset by a verb.
-(laughter)
-Morton: That's disgusting,
isn't it?
Draining himself into,
like, a husk.
"...waiting for Patrick O'Hamlin
to drain himself..."
Stop saying,
"To drain himself."
"...so he could release his
big, throbbing cock into--"
-Into the wild.
-(audience laughing)
-Be free!
-Actual Free Willy.
-(audience laughing)
-Oh, my God!
(cheering)
-Cooper:
Very good. Very good.
-Morton: That's good.
-It's a very different film.
-(laughing)
"...so he could fully release
his big, throbbing cock
into Natasha's
womanly creases."
(Cooper cackling)
Womanly creases?
-That's actually quite good.
-Cooper: Is it?
-Sounds like he's jizzed
in her back fat or something.
-Oh, James!
-Oh, thank you.
-(laughing)
-Morton: Oh, my God.
-Thank you for
draining yourself.
-Levine: Oh, my God.
-"Jizzed in her back fat."
Wow. That is quite the image.
"Belinda Blumenthal...
"plopped Des Martin's
floppy phallus
-out of her jaws."
-(laughing)
How many people can honestly
say they're not turned on?
I think you'd find it hard,
if you were being completely
honest.
Cooper: Oh, my God.
I don't think I'm ever
gonna have an erection again.
So, "Belinda Blumenthal
plopped..." Plopped?
Plopped!
It wasn't even flopped.
Plopped.
"...Des Martin's floppy
phallus out of her jaws
"as she watched her
knackered colleagues."
"Her mind got in touch..."
-(all laughing)
-Yes!
-Hiya!
-(laughing)
"Her mind got in touch to say,
'Eighteen grand well spent.'"
-Eighteen grand?
-Morton: Yeah.
That's the most disgusting
part of this whole chapter.
This whole...
I mean, car crash.
-Eighteen grand on what?
On some dice?
-Morton: Eighteen grand.
Mainly the cleanup,
I imagine.
They had to just burn
the whole thing down.
Getting shit out
of upholstery
is... is difficult.
-So-- so I've heard.
-(all laughing)
-Anecdotally.
-(laughter)
-Everyone?
-Cooper: What?
-"Belinda blinked."
-Levine: Yes!
-Cooper: Ah!
-(applause, cheers)
And that, thank fuck...
(laughter)
-is the end of the chapter.
-Cooper: Aw!
(audience cheering, whistling)
Levine:
Good effort.
Wow.
(cheering, whistling)
So, really, there's only
one thing left to do.
Um, and that's
thank the man...
the mystery.
-The monster.
-Yes.
-My dad.
-(audience cheering)
Please, guys.
Be upstanding...
...to the great
Rocky Flintstone!
-To Rocky Flintstone.
-To Rocky Flintstone. Cheers.
-To Rocky. To Rocky.
-Cheers. Cheers.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
Thank you guys so,
so much for coming out!
You've been amazing!
We have been
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
You have all been perverts.
Thank you, and good night.
-(audience cheering, whistling)
-Cooper: Woo!
(porn groove music playing)