My Divorce Party (2024) Movie Script

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
So, I'm getting
my suitcase again?
Did you miss me?
Well, distance makes
me fonder of you.
Now I had to
also push
both suitcases at the airport.
- Hi.
- Hi.
All right.
Anybody order
two chicken cutlets
and a side
of skank sauce?
Ooh, and here comes
the big finish.
Here we go.
Ooh, drop it real low.
Wendy, I love your romper.
What? You like this?
This old thing?
You like it?
Thanks, Jerome. Keep it creepy.
- Do I wanna know?
- Eh, it's better if you don't.
-I missed you my prickly pear.
-Folks, all right.
Real quick before Xan gets here.
Show off that rock.
Oh, I need sunglasses
just to see it.
Ice for days.
I haven't told Xan
I got engaged yet,
-so do I take it off?
-Just stick to the plan.
One more weekend of not knowing
won't hurt her.
Especially since Tony
is Diego's best man.
Oh, that's gonna
cut her up real bad.
Standing up in the same wedding
as her ex-husband.
Especially after you met Diego
at her wedding.
Not helping.
What isn't helping
is Xan's passive attitude.
I'm sure even if you told her
she wouldn't react,
she would just roll over
like she always does.
Be nice.
None of us know
what it's like to get divorced.
Come on,
I was just playing the odds.
Well, I can't do it
at her divorce party.
I don't wanna rub it in.
This is a no drama weekend.
-Two and a half karats.
-You know your diamonds.
I'm making Stephanie upgrade me
for our next anniversary.
Does she know that?
I keep leaving my iPad open
on ring websites.
-I'm not subtle.
-Is this real wool?
What's this-- Oh,
this way again.
Oh, God.
I have arrived.
I'm here!
All right,
we're all here, so that's good.
I have something for everyone.
Yes. One of these.
This. That's right.
I made plans. We love it.
All right, let's go.
Look at mine.
You know, this weekend
is gonna be all about fun,
and it's all gonna be
about you, Xan.
I got so excited I jazzed up
the itinerary.
Is this calligraphy?
All I wanna do
is relax, have fun,
and try to feel normal again.
Is there time on my itinerary
for that?
Saturday afternoon
there's some free time.
You can feel normal then.
Thank you both
for planning this.
I know if it was up to Ren
-and Wendy...
-Awful planners.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Awful planning or, you know,
just professional
responsibility avoider.
-Oh, no. They're right.
Okay, now
that the cavalry is here,
I suggest we find
our deluxe glamping RV.
I found it.
We got played.
But how is that
a relaxing, tranquil oasis
that sleeps up to six?
Ladies, ladies,
don't be such divas.
Come on.
Advertisement people
always embellish things.
They say
it makes your skin smoother
or it's ribbed for her pleasure.
That looks like a place
where I can get murdered.
-I cannot sleep here.
-Oh, you are a woman in America.
You are much more likely
to get murdered at home
-than on vacation.
-Oh, yikes.
-Time to start drinking.
- Okay, Wendy. Wendy.
- What?
Ren can't drink
so we can't drink?
Guys, guys, it's fine, okay?
Whoever wants to drink
can drink.
Plus I brought
my own refreshments.
-That's a relief.
-Oh, good.
Thank God and Mary.
I'm good. And me.
I'm also not gonna drink
-'cause you're not drinking.
-Isabella, it's fine.
Okay, 'cause I did bring
a small bottle,
just a small bottle of wine,
um, just in case.
- Oh, did you?
- This little tiny thing.
-Classy broad.
-Xan needs this. Look at her.
Her life has fallen into pieces.
She's a far cry
from the strong, independent
and inspirational woman
she once was.
Thank you, Sam.
Last week I cried
over yogurt flavors.
Cinnamon lime fucks me up.
Why would they do that?
Who is eating that?
-Hear! Hear! Mm.
Who's Samantha gonna yell at
about that camper?
Why am I always the one
who has to do the yelling?
Because you're a hot lawyer
that loves to trip people up
on their words.
-She is the worst to fight with.
-Fine, I'll go.
But when I get back, we get
straight to the fun.
Yes, uh, we have a schedule
to keep people.
You know...
I did have a question
about that.
What exactly
is a resurrection ceremony?
Oh, that's from my therapist.
She wants me to help Xan
let go of her negative thoughts
and chant a positivity mantra
and then release a feather
free into the wind.
-I've done that.
-That sounds legit.
Oh, let's make a big fire night
to cleanse myself of Tony
and the black cloud
that's plagued my life.
I didn't plan for a fire,
so I don't have
any fire retardant--
No, no, no, no, no.
After this weekend,
I hope I'm like
my old self again.
No more mopey sad Xan.
This is a new chapter.
It's time to get back to normal
with the people
that know me best.
Um, Integratron Sound Bath?
I don't remember
agreeing to that.
Sorry, did you not see
the explosion of emails
in your inbox from these two?
There was, uh,
the morning reminders,
and let's not forget
the afternoon recap.
I don't remember seeing any
emails about this trip.
Wendy, I really only know
when you're joking
about half of the time.
So, seriously,
if you haven't read the emails
that Isabella and I wrote
about all of the fun things
we have planned
for this weekend,
I will kill you
and leave your dead body to rot
in the desert.
I have definitely read
the emails.
I didn't read the emails.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! That is mine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Dateline suspect.
-What you got in there?
-It's a travel bag of dildos.
I was gonna say
it is a bag of dildo.
Maybe it's Tony's head
on a spike.
-Are we allowed to say his name?
-Yes, I'm fine.
I'm more than happy to veto
his name from the vocabulary
-for this trip if you want that.
-No, no, it's okay.
I've had ten months to analyze
every possible scenario
in my head
to save
our marriage and...
...what is wrong with me?
- He's stupid.
- He's an asshole.
-Fuck that guy.
-I do have one question though.
Have you considered seeing
a therapist that's,
I don't know, not the one
you look at in the mirror?
They are not gonna tell me
anything I don't already tell
my patients in therapy.
I-- I know
you're concerned about me
because of your own issues and--
-and your commitment issues.
-Commitment issues?
Shit and get married
or get off the toilet already.
I'll shit when I'm ready
to shit.
Honestly, I am fine.
Trust me, I'll be
the first person to admit it
if I...
I need help.
Right. I'm going.
You all severely underpay me
for my services.
-Thank you.
-Thanks a lot. We love you.
- We appreciate you.
- Love you.
Oh, God.
What is a little lady
like you doing
in a desert like this?
Hi, uh, sir.
Uh, we are staying in camper 201
for the weekend.
201? Hot damn!
That's real close
to me and my lady.
Oh! Greetings, desert sister.
I look forward
to sleeping side by side
as the stars tuck us in
for the night.
Oh, Lord.
Hi, uh, so the camper
wasn't exactly
-what was promised.
-It's better, right?
No, it's actually much worse.
And I want an upgrade.
It sleeps six.
- It's disgusting.
- The camper's a.
-And shabby.
-Shabby can be chic.
I will trash you
on the interweb.
I'll credit
your account back tomorrow.
Great, I'm so glad
we have this little chat.
Ooh, damn!
You may have won this round,
but I'll be seeing you tonight.
201, right?
- We can exchange our energies.
- Be well, sister.
Amara, I just gave away
another weekend stay.
I ain't never gonna get
my glutes at this point.
-Oh, it's okay.
-All right.
It's all right, baby.-.
I made a fire.
I would like to make a toast.
I love all you girls,
and I love camping with Ren
because she does
most of the heavy lifting.
You're welcome.
I brought these
to kick off the weekend.
Sans Ren.
Well, it's fine because
someone brought me this sauce.
Cinnamon lime. What the shit?
No one in their thirties
should drink UV.
I don't have
the bread base for UV.
It's mother's milk.
Still gross.
Oh, it tastes so bad
now that I know
- how good alcohol tastes.
- Woo!
-You love it.
-Cheers to us and Xan's divorce.
Listen up ladies,
it is story time.
-I love story time.
-Me too.
I've known Isabella
three decades.
-Best 30 years of your life.
And the rest of you ding-dongs
since our centennial dorm days
in college.
- Go, go, Birds!
- Learn from my mistakes.
What they don't tell you
about getting divorced
is that it monetizes your love.
Uh, thank you Sam for doing
what you could from--
-from Chicago as my lawyer.
-I got you, girl.
Tony and I were together
for ten years.
Married for almost two.
In that time, I saved
well over 100,000 dollars.
- This bitch is rich.
- You can't even iron.
How do you have 100,000 dollars?
-My shirts don't fold right.
-I make that in five months.
-Should I be saving more?
And here I thought
breeding corgis
for two grand a pop
was a racket.
It is a racket
because they are not real dogs.
They're just elongated hamsters.
You're just jealous
because I sold a corgi
-to Bob Downey.
-I'm sorry, Robert Downey Jr.?
That's not
what his friends call him.
Okay, guys. Yeah.
Let's focus on Xan.
Thank you.
Tony, after sleeping
with his CrossFit instructor
that fit bitch Jenny...
Tony decides
that although
I have supported him
for a decade
as he tried to be
a visual installation artist...
-Not a job.
-No. No, it's not.
...that he deserves ha--
half of my savings
for emotional distress.
-What a fucking dick!
-I hate him.
Douche twat..
By Sunday at midnight,
half of everything I own
will be audited
and eventually will be his.
-Whoa, oh, oh, Bernie Madoff.
-You brought that here?
-Strip club time.
-Xan, it's okay.
Uh, let's talk about
what you're feeling
that caused you to bring
a bag of cash
across the country on a plane.
He's taken so much from me.
I don't wanna give him
anything else.
I just wanna get back to normal,
even if it means
starting from nothing.
- Oh, no!
- Xan, that is money!
That's human money.
Oh, stop, stop, stop.
-Oh! Get back!
What was in here?
It smells like lighter fluid.
I may be drinking grain alcohol
and pretending
it's a wine cooler.
Oh, my God! We need water!
No, I wanna do this!
This is my choice.
I'd rather burn it all
-than give him another dime.
-Give me that.
Everything will be okay
-if I just burn this money.
-No, no.
As your friend
and your professional lawyer,
I would like to say that you--
Oh, no one gives a shit
that you're a lawyer, Sam.
Or that you went to Yale.
- Yale Law.
- Oh, Jesus!
Wendy, would you please
get off your ass
-and help me with the fire.
-No can do.
-I've been over served.
-You served yourself!
-Yes, I did.
-Go! Let it go!
My hair!
You packed multiple hairs.
It's fine. Okay.
Now, we are going to talk out
Xan's ridiculous plan
to burn a hundred grand.
Probably 90 now.
We're all going to talk this out
like the lifelong friends
that we are or--
Or what? You'll shoot?
Okay, I'm not gonna do that.
That's fine.
I'm not gonna do that.
But we will all sit down.
Sit down. Sit down. Okay.
Who wants to go first?
Well, I think that you should
just give it to charity.
And by charity I mean me.
Or you could be practical
and put it
into a long-term mutual fund.
Set your future--
Make it rain,
strippers, and blow.
I have a J Tree guy
who could be here in an hour.
Okay, as your best friend,
I wanna validate
your thought process
for wanting to destroy
what confines you
to your old life.
But as an objective third party,
this isn't healthy.
He's taken everything from me.
We had a plan.
We-- we were gonna have kids.
Uh, a town home in Connecticut.
I-- I just wanna get back
to normal.
I just want my old life back.
I know, but honey,
that lifestyle's so sad.
And seriously lacking diversity.
We want to support you
in any healthy way we can.
And-- and here,
I will look after the money
while we figure it out.
Well, if you're gonna
give the money to Wendy,
-you might as well just burn it.
-Look, I will help you.
Stop! All of you stop.
I didn't wanna do this alone.
You're not alone, honey.
We love you.
- So much.
- Yeah.
We all want what's best for you
in very different ways.
That's it. That's it.
I want each of you to pick
something to do with the money.
We gotta spend it all. Fast.
No, that makes
absolutely no sense.
Wouldn't you rather have
half of something
as opposed to all of nothing?
Sammy, please.
Uh, uh.
- Fine.
- Yes! Okay.
There is a wine
I have been dying to try, okay?
It is only $22,000.
It is lined with gold flakes
and it was found at the bottom
of a pirate ship.
There's only 18 in the world
and there are like, four of them
right here in Palm Springs.
It is our destiny.
It's like listening
to Fergie sing
-the national anthem.
-Oh, thank you.
Let's put a pin
in that old pirate wine for now,
but-- but I like
where your head's at, Wendy.
I wanna share this
with my favorite people.
Are you sure?
Oh, I'm sure.
It smells like
the desert is burning.
And you interrupted
our tantric jam sesh.
Are you guys seeing them too
or did I just inhale
too much smoke?
Greetings, fellow inhabitants
of the desert.
I am Amara. And this is Ezekiel.
We're your neighbors.
These are the two fine specimens
who rented us the camper.
You better not be setting off
no fireworks.
No, no.
We know the park regulations
and we were not.
Okay, but be warned...
we're watching you.
Great. Beat it, Ezekiel.
-May the night spirit bless...
-Just full bush.
-...your slumber.
And, uh, blessed be
your fruit.
What is this?
. What is this?
Um, that is not--
Oh, that's mi-- that's mine.
Because I am a drag queen,
and I only get paid
in cash tips, so...
Your tuck is flawless.
Thank you so much.
That's so sweet.
-She loves tips.
-You're all hiding something.
Now we're doubly watching you.
And we're watching you.
Beat it!
-A drag queen?
-Wha-- I panicked.
-Who else makes this kinda cash?
-Oh, I don't know.
Servers, strippers,
bartenders, teachers.
-You tip teachers?
-Well, someone's gotta do it.
They're shaping the future
of America.
Yeah, I am gonna hide this
somewhere safe.
Where are you going?
Wait, wait, wait.
Xan, Xan, Xan, Xan.
About the hundred grand.
-We can spend it on anything?
Except for any big purchases
in my name.
So, boats, cars, houses,
or else Tony is entitled
to half.
We've got 48 hours
to blow this, people.
It's gonna be really hard to do
in Joshua Tree.
Okay, well,
I have my ways, okay?
We're just gonna have to cancel
everything on the itinerary.
-The sound bath.
-And our schedule.
-That's a good point.
-Thank you.
No, not about the schedule.
Here's $5,000.
You and Sam go stock up on food
and booze and whatever.
Do not come back
until you've spent every cent.
Come on, come on, come on.
I'd like a Hot Pocket.
Look, I have not seen
a single designer store
since I have been here.
You have chosen
the worst location
-for your insanity.
I'm sure
you will find something.
Oh, Dippin' Dots.
What are we gonna do?
Oh, I wanna clear 'em
out of boxed wine.
It keeps really well.
There it is.
And I'm just gonna take that,
and that
and these babies.
No, I mean about Xan.
She's obviously having
-a psychotic break.
-Is she?
I mean, who are we to judge
how she spends her money?
Um, her friends.
She's always been
such a pushover.
It's like she would rather bail
-than fight for herself.
-Oh, that is so true.
You remember that time
I ruined her sweater junior year
with that big mustard blob
and she kept being like,
"Oh, it's cool, it's cool,"
even though
she was totally sad about it?
This is exactly
like your mustard blob story.
Look, between you and me,
I could have taken Tony
to the cleaners
and bankrupt him like that,
but she was all like,
"No, just take
whatever his lawyers offered."
-That is so sad.
She needs to be thinking
about her future.
She could use the money
for a down payment on a house
or to start over
or to do something.
Just because she's not doing
what you would do with the money
doesn't mean she's wrong.
Um, yes it does.
God, there's no way
we're gonna be able
to spend $5,000 in this place.
This isn't even 500.
Not with that attitude.
Hello, kind eyes.
What's the most expensive thing
you sell here?
This fellow right here
is named Nedward...
...and I carved him myself
with a chainsaw.
- He goes for $600.
- Cute.
We'll take him.
Oh, my God.
Did you spend
-all of the money?
Xan, I need to talk to you
in private.
Uh, I would very much like
to pass on that, Sam.
-Not an option. Not an option.
-No, I don't want to.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
You want a bolo tie?
- Yes.
- No, not now.
- God. Okay. Okay.
- There you go.
Oh, oh, are we putting this on?
-Oh, okay.
And that's not all.
Ren, we did something
extra special
-for you.
-What? Hot Pockets?
I think that
you're very confused, Wendy,
-because I hate this.
-Oh, no, no, no. No.
This is Nedward. Okay?
And Nedward is sober too.
I don't like Nedward.
Ren, Nedward is homeless.
I know you'll give him
a good home.
Wendy, you smell like
a distillery.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna let you guys
get to know each other.
Oh, is-- Okay.
That looks good.
I meant to tell you,
your energy is effervescent,
yet more relaxed.
-Oh, my God. Did Ricardo arrive?
-Ah, ah, ah!
Don't distract me with questions
about Steph's strap-on
in that weird
therapist-ey friend way.
You okay?
I promise you,
I know what I'm doing.
-I am so solid.
I don't want him
to drag you down.
I also don't want any hims
real or created
to drag you down.
Is Steph happier now?
She felt having some balls
would really give her
some phantom dick power.
Sadly, they sent us a version
with pubes.
Wow. So lifelike.
-Too lifelike.
Steph imagines herself
to have a clean shaven scrotum,
so now we wait again.
Seriously. You okay?
I just wanna enjoy this weekend.
It's my divorce party,
so let's party.
Okay. I don't wanna smother you.
I trust you.
I am gonna grab a bolo.
Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!
-Wendy, what the hell?
-Jesus Christ!
Where did you even get
an air horn?
I always have my party horn.
Let's go girls.
We have a 9:00 a.m.. appointment.
We gotta boogie.
Oh, wait,
I have a little something
-for everyone.
-Oh, my God.
You shouldn't have.
No, actually, you--
you really actually
shouldn't have.
Are you trying to say that
you wanna get double penetrated?
Because I think that
that's a little advanced
-for this group.
-No, no.
It's my DP, my divorce party.
Get it?
You know,
I can't not see
-double penetration.
-What's double penetration?
I'll tell you later.
- Well, I think it's cute.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Okay. Look.
-You know what?
I-- I think it looks great
on you and--
and only you, if possible.
You all know
how I feel about muumuus.
Uh, where are we?
Wendy, this is
the most ignorant, illogical,
and insane thing to do
with a bunch of money.
I know.
It's gonna be so fun.
Raise your hand
if you think we should get
a comically large
boatful of cocktail weenies.
-No! No!
some cocktail weenies.
-They make me feel like a giant.
Sam, come on,
we're going to the bar.
When are you gonna tell her
about the wedding?
-Do it when she's buzzed.
-Ease the tension.
-Oh, yeah. That's a great idea.
Because we all know
what they say about the calming
and rationalizing effects
of alcohol on mind.
-She's not you.
-Stop! Stop! I have a plan.
I'm gonna tell her tomorrow
after my resurrection ceremony.
I want her
to be clear-headed for it.
Oh, yeah, let's clear her mind
and then crush her heart.
No, there should be no crushing.
- Oh, my God.
- Eat up sharks.
We're not leaving
till we've done five shots each
and a seltzer
with a splash of cran
and lime for Ren.
-I got you.
-Jesus! It's 10:00 a.m..
Wha-- there's
a breakfast buffet.
There's French toast.
Go build yourself a bread base.
- Money, please.
- Yay! I am so excited.
All right, we're gonna
carpe this diem, ladies.
Xan, you're getting at least
four lap dances tonight.
Maybe you'll go home
with a stripper.
Iz, you are on drinks duty.
I never wanna see her
empty handed.
Ren, make sure
we never tip the scales
into Pukesville.
-And Sammy...
-What's up?
...try to live a little.
Let's do this!
DJ Bangers & Mash,
play some EDM.
I wanna dance.
You know, I gotta say
as far as strip club buffets go,
this one is top-notch.
Have you tried these ribs?
Finger foods? Hard pass.
Now then, now then, now then.
All right, you bears and seals.
Save some room.
It's F and G time.
- F and G time?
- Wha--
What is happening?
What is happening?
We've got a feeders
and gainers special.
- What's a feeder?
- It's "Kink Friday."
Oh, yes, of course.
- "Kink Friday."
- What are feeders and gainers?
Ladles and jelly spoons,
please welcome to the floor,
Lil Chorizo, Bratwurst,
Hot Diggity Dog,
and Polish Sausage.
- Ooh, spicy.
- Hey, mama.
- Do you wanna feed me?
- Oh, oh, yes. Yes I do.
-Okay. You want a little dog?
-Oh, yeah.
-You want two little dogs?
-Oh, yeah.
-You want 'em at the same time?
Yes, take those dogs.
So this is like a baby bird,
mama bird thing.
Oh, no,
I think that feeders get off
-on feeding people.
And gainers get off
-on being fed.
-Oh, yeah.
Like this.
Come on, girls.
Let's get our kink on.
Hey, guys, okay,
let's just be very cautious
because I have
a severe shellfish allergy.
So, please, do not get
any shrimp on me.
Um, but if you do,
I have a EpiPen in my bag,
but please
do not make me use it, okay?
-I won't.
Okay, come here.
A hot diggity dog, huh?
Oh, wha--
do you want a cheese stick?
Okay. Oh, you can't get it.
- Oh, you can't get it
- He's hungry.
I'm so hungry.
-Oh, my God.
He's so slimy.
Oh, very amazing.
Oh, watch the eyes.
Ooh. Okay.
Mom, I think I'm a feeder.
Do you want to feed me
or be fed?
I'm Bruce.
I-- I-- I-- I don't know
the answer to that question.
-Come on.
-Come on.
-All right. Okay.
There we go. Open up.
No, no, no.
I-- I need a shot
before I can do this.
Xan, get over here.
Oh! Ooh, yeah.
-Come on.
The scales are tipping.
We are about 30 minutes away
from Pukesville.
-We need to wrap it up.
-Okay. Okay. Okay.
Well, just one more thing.
One more thing.
Hey, what--
what is-- what is she doing?
Always scheming something.
Wendy might have life, right?
I feel great.
-Oh. Oh, God.
-Whoa, there. Okay.
Why don't you tell me
how you feel tomorrow morning?
Aw, my sweet little, Ren.
Brutally honest.
Apple of my eye.
Cold, blunt,
tiny, teeny, little, Ren.
Yes, hello. It's me.
You know
what would be really fun?
Let's tag Tony in a picture
with me and one of the eaters,
and we're gonna caption it,
"Suck a dick!"
Oh, wow, that sounds
like a bag of regrets.
Look, Ren, it's a joke.
It's fun.
He's gonna see how much fun
that I'm having
without him right now,
and that is gonna
make him jealous.
Yeah, Xan, can you just--
just give me your phone?
-Yes, make sure I'm in good...
You're gonna get this back
at the end of the day.
Ren, Ren, give me my phone.
You're gonna thank me tomorrow.
I promise.
Don't think
that I won't go in there
-and get it.
-Try me.
I'll ruin your beehive!
-Oh! Oh!
Oh, totally unrelated.
I just realized,
I have to update
my LinkedIn right now
for business purposes.
Do you have
a little LinkedIn problem?
Do you need to update your
MySpace too and your Top Nine?
Get out of here with that trash!
Damn it!
-Should I have one more banana?
-Are you ready?
-For what?
And I don't even like dick.
Can I have him?
So, uh, which one of you ladies
is Alexandra?
She is.
Come with me.
Did you pay that guy
to fuck Xan?
What? No.
Maybe. I don't know.
It's up to her.
-How do you want me?
-How do--
-Are you a bad girl?
-Do you want me to punish you?
-Do you wanna punish me?
-Not really.
What do you wanna do with me?
Oh, so many things.
So many things.
Don't you ever get full?
What would everyone's kink be
if you had one?
Oh, we all know
Wendy is down for anything.
Okay, there is nothing wrong
with being open
to new sexual experiences, yes.
Oh, Sammy, what would yours be?
Oh, I've always wanted
to have sex on a boat
-or in my childhood bed.
-That's so boring.
I bet you and Stephanie
just do it missionary
under the covers
with the lights off
once a month.
I don't understand
how you could possibly know
so little about lesbian sex
having been my college roommate.
Oh, I know things.
I know you do
a little bit of this action.
-That's not it.
-And a lot of that.
-I've done that.
-It's never that.
A little bit of,
ooh, tickly wiggly.
It's not that.
Did Ricardo 2.0 arrive?
First of all,
Stephanie can get it,
second of all,
we ran into a slight issue
with the manufacturer.
We're currently waiting
on his replacement.
Oh, did it have pubes?
I heard that was an issue
with the more innovative
They were so curly.
Uh, what do you think
Xan is doing?
Should somebody go check on her?
No. Don't worry.
I have a feeling
she is in the midst
of wild ecstasy.
Here, uh, this will help
make you more relaxed.
-Oh, yeah.
Cheers, Ajax.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Wendy, I have to
tell you something,
and I can only tell it to you.
This is pretty great.
You know the secret
-to having fun?
The company
and dicks in your face.
Strippers attack!
Get it off!
Get it off!
We need milk!
I think they have RumChata.
There is no time!
-The EpiPen!
-Oh, okay.
Come on!
Oh! I can't do it.
Oh, give it to me!
Yeah! Yeah!
I'm a hero!
I saved a life today.
Oh, my God.
Did you bone Ajax?
-Why is your voice like that?
-I'm fine.
A lady never tells.
Right, but you're not a lady
so spill.
For your information,
we did not fuck.
But you did other stuff?
It's gonna be okay.
How do you know?
I-- I guess I-- I don't.
He was the love
of my life, Ajax.
How could he do that to me?
Well, in my opinion,
him cheating was probably
more about his own insecurities
-than about you.
You're probably right.
-Did you try everything?
-Like counseling.
-No, no, no, no.
But I'm a therapist,
so it's fine.
How often were you having sex?
You don't know me.
I don't, but if you were
the love of my life,
I'd wanna fuck you
every chance I can get.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Now, you're gonna
hop on this dick or what?
-Not tonight.
-So, you didn't get fucked?
Nope. I turned him down.
I spent $2,000 for you to like,
sit on his face
or do whatever you wanted.
And-- and you-- you cried
and you kissed him?
Wait, let me tell
the story again.
It was like
a female empowerment thing.
You shit the bed.
You guys wanted me
to sleep with a stranger.
-I mean, only if you wanted to.
Sorry to disappoint.
Eh, it's okay.
At the end of the day,
we felt up a lot of men,
we fed a lot of men,
you got your confidence back,
and I blew through
nearly $20,000.
Okay. Time to go!
- Come on.
- All right.
Oh! Oh, my God.
-Are we on the sun?
-My eyes.
It's like
the brightness settings
-on Samantha's iPad.
-All right.
-Who's next?
-Me! Me!
And-- and I think
you're all really gonna love
what I prepared.
Okay, ladies,
how's everybody feeling
on a level from zero
to cirrhosis?
Anybody need a coconut water?
Advil? Tampon?
Ren, please, stop shouting.
I just keep burping up weenies.
Mm. Weenie burps. My fave.
Why did we go
to the strip club first?
Oh, come on.
Seeing morning strippers
is the best.
They work harder
for those dollars.
Here, if you take
four bennies,
your allergic reaction
will be gone by the morning.
Won't these just knock me
-the fuck out?
Wendy, you have to stop
drugging people.
Ladies, listen.
-Let's talk about the future.
-Ooh, like, palm readers?
Don't be insane.
I'm talking 401Ks.
I'm talking mutual funds.
I'm talking about
having your money
make you money.
Whoa, whoa,
whoa there, Jackie Brown.
I'd like to have a little parlay
with you for a moment here.
What's up?
Do you think,
considering Isabella's fragile,
almost barely alive state
after my heroic
and valiant rescue,
and Xan...
well, Xan looks like
she's holding on
by a thread here and, uh,
about to puke up
all that shrimp that she ate.
And Wendy,
well, actually Wendy looks fine.
But I was thinking
maybe not the best time
for a whole
money business conversation.
No, it's the perfect time.
There's a lesson in this.
-It's gonna be good.
-Carry on.
there is no better time
than the present
to be saving.
You must always be saving.
A, always, B, be,
S, saving.
-Anybody want a dirty?
-Yes, I'll have one.
Okay, how much did you put
towards savings
from each paycheck?
-No, 15%.
Do you wanna be 90
and still working?
- Hope I'm dead.
- Okay.
Does everybody have a Roth IRA?
-I don't know what that is.
-I boned a guy named Ira once.
Oh, was that the guy
with the glass eye?
No, his last name was Glass.
-It was Ira Glass.
I got my work cut out for me.
Okay. Any questions?
What does this have to do
with Xan?
Oh, I don't care.
You're really
in your element, Sammy.
I've been enjoying
watching you speak.
How have you not retained
anything I've just said?
With my 20 grand,
I want you to put it
into a retirement fund.
Tony won't be able to touch it,
'cause it'll be in your name.
Oh, good. Yes.
I'll definitely
need help with that.
This was the help.
Could you send all of this
-in an email?
What? Oh, God.
I just had
the worst dream and I saw--
Samantha was giving this boring
long-winded presentation...
...that was so good!
You're so pretty.
Anybody else drinking?
You are all gonna die.
Just out of curiosity,
am I listed on any of
your life insurance policies?
I'm sleepy, so I'm just gonna go
shut my eyeballs
over in the-- in the camper.
Let's go start on Manhattans.
-Yes. Yes, please.
Help. Thank you.
Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.
Let's do.
Let's clean up, guys.
Help me.
Okay, Xan,
you are lucky that I have
a soft spot for wounded animals.
You can have your phone back
like I promised.
-Where's Xan?
-I don't know.
Too many bennies.
- Wendy? Sam?
- Yeah.
Where is Xan?
That's not the
track you laid last night,
Mr. Conductor. Ooh.
I don't even wanna know.
Where is Xan?
The last thing
I remember we were drinking,
uh, Malibu Loose.
And then Ezekiel and Amara--
Ezekiel and Amara, what?
- We gotta go.
- Oh, no!
Are you gonna
finish your thought?
Wait for me!
I know you're in there!
Open up!
- Open up!
- Hello, Eskimo sister.
Shall we try
to pick up where we left off?
Oh, okay. Did we, um--
-Oh, sadly, no.
-No, okay.
You wanted to come
dance in the camper
with the dream catchers.
The sleep took you
before we could.
We still enjoyed ourselves
next to
your sleeping body, though.
It was like
you were a part of it.
No, no, no.
-I'm out. I'm out.
-Where are you going?
No, no, no.
Oh, she's leaving us.
-What the fuck!
-Nothing. I gotta shower.
Whoa, whoa, whoa there,
lady of the night.
Listen, no shade.
I don't want to yuck your yum.
I realize
that I'm usually the one
that has a
for men who think
that bathing is optional.
But I just have to ask you,
did you have a throuple
with the woo-woo twins?
What? No. I just passed out.
-Oh, my God. My head.
-Don't lie to me.
Come on.
You did a little hand stuff.
Little, like...
What? No.
Everyone, I'm fine. Really.
I just drank too much.
I just need a shower
and I'll be ready
for your thing.
This is no big deal.
- So really no hand stuff?
- Nope.
Yeah, she's not okay.
-Not at all.
-She'll be okay.
It's very messy.
I really hope
it doesn't ruin my thing.
Yes. There it is.
-The Joshua tree.
Oh, we should pose like you two
and do an emo album cover.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Shortest to tallest.
What are you talking about?
The Joshua Tree?
I can't believe
we found it right away.
- Ren, get in here. Come on.
- Mm-hmm.
I hate to break this
to you guys,
but there is not just one tree.
There are thousands
of Joshua trees,
hence the park name.
Joshua Tree National Park.
-You're just gonna correct me?
You're gonna correct
my grammar all day?
-It's not grammar.
-She's so saucy.
-She really is.
-It does.
-Did anybody bring water?
I gotta pee...
or drop a deuce.
Come on.
What does hiking have to do
with spending my life savings?
You'll see.
Can't we see sooner, Ren?
Keep an eye out
for small foliage.
I can't go on.
We are guests
in nature's habitat
and we don't wanna
be gentrifiers.
This is
so much longer than a mile.
- We got this. We got this.
- It'll be fine.
You got this, girl.
If I can do it, you can do it.
Oh, mama's hurting.
Come on, these hiking boots
aren't meant to get dirty.
Hurry up.
I'm-- I'm about
to die in the desert.
People already spent
40 years in the desert.
- Oh!
- This is what I get?
"A small hike."
A small hike is a walk.
This is a death march.
Damn, this is better
than anything
I've ever found on Insta.
You know, Ren,
I tell all my fancy
lawyer friends about you.
-Oh, yeah?
They think
it's pretty cool that I know
a National Geographic
- Yeah. That's cool.
- Yeah.
So, do you, uh...
tell all your
photography friends about me?
It's kind of a solo activity.
All right. This is worth it.
And alas, I'll have to
start a new life here,
because my legs
have stopped working.
But that's fine.
I think I'm gonna start
a gang with the wildlife.
I think that they would happily
accept you as their leader.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
So I wanted to bring you guys
out here today...
'cause I know that
right before I got sober, I...
I put you guys through hell.
A lot of bodies buried here.
Yeah, and there's stuff,
Wendy, that we said that
we would take to the grave.
But in-- in all seriousness,
I, um...
Fuck. I, uh...
I know that I--
that I wasn't really
a good friend...
and that I didn't show up
for you guys a lot.
And that I was really
selfish a lot of the time.
And, um...
I don't wanna do that anymore.
It's not who I wanna be.
I wanna be accountable
and I wanna show up
and be reliable.
And so, as much...
as I would like to spend
this money on something fun...
I'd like to give it back, um.
And so I wanna donate the 20,000
to preserving the park.
I like that, Ren.
Ren, that's really nice.
I can be nice. Sometimes.
I wouldn't go that far.
And this is definitely
not as pragmatic
as my day was, but, uh...
Well, I'm glad to know
that emotion hasn't changed you
from pulling focus
in any situation.
-I love you so much, Ren.
-Me too.
I love all of you so much.
-My God! Stop.
Okay. I can't help it.
It's a-coming. It's a-flowing.
Oh, it's okay.
I got a guy for that.
I'm sure you do.
My antidepressants
won't let me cry,
-but this is nice.
-That's why you're my rock.
Come. Come.
Okay. That's enough emotion.
I'm done.
-Okay, yeah.
-Let's go.
-All right.
it was really nice, Ren...
...that you did that.
What is good here?
I have never seen a more
beautiful group of women before.
You're pretty cute too.
Can't go wrong with any tex-mex.
Especially the, uh, pulled pork.
And do you pull
your pork by hand?
It's better
when someone else does it.
I'll give you girls
a few minutes.
Hurry back.
-Oh, my God, Wendy.
Diego would kill me
if I was flirting
with the waiter like that.
He doesn't own you.
You're not even engaged yet.
-I bet that you guys are--
-I'm not.
You're right. I'm not.
So I should stand up to him.
I mean, what am I doing?
You know?
So, back to Wendy
and the flirting.
-Flirting never killed anybody.
Besides, Harry and I have
an open arrangement.
Wait, wait, what do you--
what do you mean by open?
It means
we can fuck other people.
-Oh, subtle.
The straights are doing
the open relationship thing?
That-- that's our thing.
Is this new?
How long has this been going on?
Um, we started a couple
months ago and it's been great.
I mean, honestly,
we've never been better.
-And it doesn't eat you alive?
-No. I mean, it's like--
It's like when I think
about Cinnabons, you know.
I crave one and I crave one,
and I crave one,
and eventually,
I'm going to the mall.
You know what I mean?
It's like that.
So, Harry is the Cinnabon,
or are you the Cinnabon?
No, nobody's the Cinnabon.
It's-- it's about temptation.
You know, if there's always
a Cinnabon on the table,
you know,
if I want one, I want one.
-No big deal.
-Wow. Wow.
You know,
you're kind of enlightened.
You know, it's like that time
that the Pope did a fist bump.
I have so many questions,
especially about the Pope.
And you don't get
jealous at all?
No, I mean, as long as he's safe
and he always comes back to me.
At the end of the day,
all that matters
is that we love
and support each other.
I wish Tony was like that.
One of our biggest
fights was about...
I'm sorry. Deets, please.
Tony kept saying
he was going to the gym.
Then one day I get an alert
on my card
for paninis at Pedro's.
Tony and I love Pedro's.
I was so excited
for Pedro's paninis,
but he got home
for dinner and...
I have never policed
what he was buying,
but I know
he bought two paninis.
I know it.
I started to spiral
and then I...
I snapped.
"Where are the paninis, Tony?
What did you do
with the paninis?"
What did he say?
He called me insane.
Said I was overreacting,
that I didn't trust him.
But I knew he ate
those paninis with someone.
And look what happened!
Now I'm sure
he's eating Pedro's paninis
every day with Jenny.
Look, I just wanna say
I totally witnessed you
on the whole panini situation.
But I was wondering,
have you ever talked to Tony
-about it after?
-No. No reason.
It just seems like
every Tony story involves...
avoiding feelings.
-That's all.
-Just little bit.
You guys do not know
what it's like.
Every time I tried to have
a normal
couple's conversation with him,
he said I was using
my shrink powers on him.
I'd never bring up issues,
because he would get
so defensive.
So, do you ladies
know what you want?
I'll have a tall glass of you.
A carafe of mimosas for one.
You know,
I have a break coming up
if you wanna join me for a...
I don't smoke
-because it's gross.
But for you, I'll secondhand it.
Can't wait.
-Get it, girl.
-He didn't even take our order.
Hey, sir? Sir?
He'll come back.
Guys, I--
I feel--
I feel a little emotional.
That was-- it was really--
it really got me.
-Okay. You okay?
-Yeah. I'm okay.
Okay, 'cause
where the hell is Wendy?
It's been over an hour.
We have a schedule
to keep, people.
Oh, yeah, I can talk.
-Who are you talking to?
Oh, you vixen-blixen.
Thanks for the workout.
-Can I get your number?
-Oh, I don't think so.
I'm a drifter, baby.
A tumbleweed blown in the wind.
Try to forget about me.
- Okay.
- Sexy!
Did you get it in? Deep?
Yes. I need to know everything.
I want-- I want all the details.
Did you lick his stash?
What did it smell like?
Oh, look at you.
- Sorry.
- Peacocking.
I just had to do
a little victory lap there.
-It was so good.
What are we talking about?
And secure the bag.
I don't know.
I'm just not good at deception.
Oh, my little jumping
cholla cactus.
You can do this. Think about us.
How are we gonna pay
for my gluteal transplants?
-Oh, yeah.
-And your yarn business.
I do wanna sell colorful
yarn tapestries full time.
And I want that for you,
my mini Mojave.
Now giddy up.
-My dogs are barking.
-I need a shower.
Does anyone need to use
the bathroom first?
I need to drop
the kids off at the pool.
-Who had 26 hours?
-I had 25.
-I had 18.
What are you talking about?
-Thank you.
-Me too.
I won the side bet
to see how long you would go
without talking about poop.
I do not talk
about poop that much.
Says the person
who talks about poop every day.
You were constantly
talking about
your bowel movements in college.
You know,
I didn't mind that much.
It made me feel better
about my two-a-days.
Thank you. Well, whatever.
I do not have anything to hide.
Now, if you excuse me,
I'm going to take
a huge, satisfying...
I'm taking a big shit.
-There it is.
-Dropped a deuce.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Diego says we're in the running
to get the Monroe House
for our wedding!
Oh, my God!
I don't know what that is.
What good news have you brought?
I sense a positive energy.
- What the fuck?
- Where did she even come from?
Um, I didn't wanna say anything
when Xan was around,
but this is, like, the place.
Oh, my God, Iz,
just tit up and tell her.
Who gives a shit
if Tony's the best man?
She's your best friend.
She'll understand.
Oh, yeah.
She'll totally understand.
Xan, Tony's her ex.
And you know what?
Never mind. It doesn't matter.
Okay, I will, but...
you saw her today, right?
She needs a fun weekend.
-One more day of not--
-It's your funeral.
Monroe House is so pretty.
I am having so much fun
planning my wedding.
Oh, weddings
are such a blessing.
Oh, yes.
Oh, we are gonna celebrate.
-I have just the right crystal.
-Don't touch me.
Do any of you have
anything to add,
like, say,
stacks of cash, or...?
-Do you need something?
-Well, no, I just--
I saw you guys
having so much fun
and I just wanted to be a part--
Then go.
If you have anything,
I'll be right next door.
Do you think she's okay,
like, mentally?
Hard to tell.
I think it is time.
Here you are, my lady.
Thank you, madam.
-What the hell's happening?
-I have no fucking idea.
You two. Shh!
State your positivity mantra.
Life doesn't have to be
perfect to be wonderful.
It could be messy
and unpredictable
and full of joy.
I am whole.
I am free.
Good, now channel
all of your feelings
into that feather.
And when you're ready,
let it go.
-Is that it?
-Wendy, zip it!
Xan must now let go
of all the negativity
she partook in,
or was passive about,
through a series of shouts
peppered with swears.
Feel free to join her
if you like.
Oh, I can totally get into that.
Fuck you, Tony.
Yeah. Fuck your face.
Fuck CrossFit and fuck Jenny,
and fuck your stupid
custom designer jeans.
They make your hips
look like birthing hips.
Yeah. Fuck your hips!
Um, okay. Yeah.
That's-- that's good.
But, um, I meant
more like behaviors.
Like, uh--
Fuck your inability
to confront anyone!
Or, uh, own up to my part!
-Own up to my part?
-Just a suggestion.
Okay, um--
Fuck you for cheating on me.
You broke us. You quit.
You were unhappy.
I deserved more.
That is good. That's good.
the relationship is good.
But maybe...
embrace the part you played
in the relationship too.
Okay. Got it.
Fuck you for making me
lose trust in everyone.
I wish I could go back
to not being sad all the time.
And I wish that things
could just go back to normal.
What? What am I doing wrong now?
You're just not really
following the prompt.
Just own up to your part.
Oh, and you two
would do it better?
Yeah, actually, I think I would.
You know, I'm not gonna
say anything 'cause I'm sensing
it would
only make things worse.
Right. Right.
Ren, do you wanna get divorced?
No, because someone would
actually have to love you first.
-You know what? Fuck you!
And Samantha, how about you stop
trying to control
everything that I do
and just mind
your own business
-for once.
-That's not fair.
I'm better at business
than you are.
What is not fair
is Tony leaving me.
Heard this record before.
Okay. Okay.
I am the one
that got cheated on.
So-- so why the fuck
do I have to own up to anything?
Because no one cheats
for no reason!
-Stop always playing the victim.
Maybe Tony cheated,
because you never communicate
how you're feeling.
You never stand up for anything.
Not even yourself.
You're a therapist.
Own your shit!
Damn, that's a little
harsh for me, Iz.
Well, you know what
I want you to do with the money?
Go see a therapist.
Or a counselor. Something.
Stop, stop it.
You think
you have all the answers,
but you don't.
You think that
everything is just going to
magically go back to normal.
-Yes, it will.
-No, it won't.
You're a different person now,
and that's okay.
But you have to acknowledge
that things in your life
are changing.
Oh, my God.
It's been almost a year.
When Diego and I are married,
I want us to be able to talk
and support each other.
Well, you'd have to
get married first,
so don't hold your breath.
Damn. What the fuck?
What? What am I missing, ladies?
- Nothing.
- Forget it.
Forget-- forget it.
Forget I said anything. Okay?
Let's just go back down the hill
and-- and relax and stop moping.
Moping. I'm not moping.
You're a huge moper.
-You're moping.
Yeah. You know what?
I'm done with this.
Okay. Xan, wait.
Okay, wait. Let's talk.
Don't follow me.
Just give me some space.
Okay, we'll be, like,
a hundred yards behind you.
-Well, that fucking sucked.
-I know.
You know,
I feel worse and stressed
and you guys aren't helping.
Oh, my God.
You were coddling her.
We can't all be as blunt as you.
Well, you should have
just told her right then.
You know, Wendy, not everything
is bettered by booze.
Most things
are better with booze.
Oh, Is-- Isabella.
How do you know
I'm not moping.
She's a big mopey mopester.
I'm fine.
-Hello, dark sister.
-Jesus! You scared me.
I've been waiting for you.
-I'm too annoyed for tea.
I would like
to offer you a gift.
I don't get a lot of
visitors in the desert.
And you've been so warm,
And it seems like
all of your friends,
just, you guys love
and enjoy each other so much.
Please take my gift.
I'm certainly
not enjoying them right now.
It's like, can't they just
unconditionally support me
without pushing me to do things
that make me feel uncomfortable?
-I don't fight for things.
I fight for stuff. What is this?
Herbs, spices.
That's it. Drink it all.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-Oh, no. Amara, no.
-Please sit.
Yeah, sit.
Listen, bud.
We've had a really weird
couple of days.
Okay? A feeder shrimp
almost murdered me.
Mm-hmm. And there's been
a bit of tension.
Oh, I sensed it.
-You hold it in your breasts.
-My breasts?
-Like a tension bra.
I would like to give Xan
and all of you a gift.
Yeah. I want it.
I-- I want the gift. Yes.
It won't take long, I promise.
I need everyone to join hands.
Close your eyes.
Oh, great desert spirit.
We call upon to thee
for your endless power.
What's up, it's your girl Amara.
We call upon you to free Xan
from our ex-husband, Tommy.
-Tony, yes.
Release her
from Tony's spiritual shackles.
Release her from his clutch.
Release her!
Shh. Girls.
-Hey, I need everyone to focus.
-Shh. Girls.
Release yourself.
Re, re, re, re.
Re, re, re, re, re, re.
Release yourself!
You are cleansed.
-That was it?
That's it.
Don't you feel better?
I do actually feel better.
Thank you.
Because happiness is contagious.
Love is contagious.
And maybe by...
-Isabella's wedding...
-Oh, shit.'ll have
a new love of your own.
Isabella's wedding?
-Mm-hmm. To Aiego.
What? What's she talking about?
Uh, I...
I'm engaged.
I'm engaged. It just happened.
This is brand new information.
It's so wonderful.
Oh, thank you.
Everyone knows before me?
I didn't wanna
overshadow your weekend.
So you make me the fool?
Amara-- Amara knows before me.
I'm not a baby that you have to
hide things from.
I was trying to protect you.
I'm supposed to be
your best friend.
Am I even invited
to your wedding?
Of course. Of course, you are.
We have been through
so much together. Okay?
Boyfriends, promotions, moving.
And... were the first
person I wanted to see
when my mom died.
And you're so important to me.
I wasn't planning on
doing this like this.
Oh, Iz, no.
Girl, read the room.
But I was wondering
if you would be
my maid of honor.
Well, that's great.
Well, it is time to end
this bullshit woo woo mantra.
-Xan, wait!
-Isabella, get in that RV
right now
and tell her you're sorry.
I-- Well,
she just needs a minute.
You guys, that is
her contained sadness walk.
I've said it a million times.
This is not good.
-Get in there.
-Oh, we're too late.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know it was a secret.
No, no. It's okay.
I'm just gonna-- Yep.
I'm just gonna
light that sage, honey.
-You get the away
-evil devil spirits.
-Ooh. Yep.
Do you have any weed?
-Not the time.
-I do. I do.
Or-- okay. Maybe it is the time.
Xan, hey.
I'm sorry. Can we talk?
I am good. Really.
It was inevitable, right?
You guys are gonna be
really happy together.
I didn't wanna
overshadow your weekend.
Of course, not.
And you know what?
You are right.
This is my weekend.
And you know who I don't
wanna spend this weekend with?
-Where are you going?
-I'm leaving
because apparently my friends
have been lying to me
and talking behind my back
and trying to get me
to sleep with random dudes
or-- or like telling me
what to do with my finances.
Half is better than zero.
See, meddling.
This is Tony's fault.
No. Bringing
a hundred thousand dollars
into the desert is crazy.
And that's not Tony's fault.
That's your fault.
No, it's his fault.
Look, I really think
that you should set up--
-This is insane.
-Long term care.
Can you take
responsibility for anything?
This might not be
the time to bring this up
or it might be the perfect time.
But I gave Xan
the gift of clarity.
-Amara, leave us alone!
But she's probably
got about five minutes
before the drugs kick.
Don't tell her what to do.
But wait, what?
-What you're talking about?
-You drugged her?
The-- the herbs and spices tea?
Mm-hmm. Herbs are mushrooms,
spices are mushrooms.
Jesus, you drink anything
from this grifter?
-She is sketch even for me.
-Come on, Xan.
-You know better.
-What were you thinking?
Xan. Xan! Xan!
I got her. I got her.
I don't got her.
-I am a little overserved again.
-Jesus, Wendy. Okay.
Do any of you have
experience with psychedelics?
I don't know why I'm asking.
I'm gonna go do it.
No, I'll go.
She's mad at me.
I'm just gonna get
a jacket before I go
running around
in the desert at night.
-God, Iz, I told you not to--
You'll make me feel worse.
No. Hey, Iz.
-Holy shit!
-Oh, we stumbled into something.
We know you've got tons of cash.
Hand it over
and you won't get sliced!
Ah, Ezekiel, come on. We've
already seen your genitals.
Amara, you too?
Sorry, earth sister.
But custom small batch dyed
yarn tapestries aren't cheap.
Stop talking!
Where's the money?
What money?
My hard earned drag money?
-You can't have it.
-I am not playing around!
-Give us the cash.
-Oh, that's a really big knife.
Please don't hurt us.
Ezekiel we'll give
you whatever you want.
Just calm down.
I heard you talking about it.
Where's the money?
Um, we don't actually know
where the money is.
Only Xan does.
I know you're lying.
You better get her here now.
I am 30.
My friends hate me.
Who's ever gonna love me?
I didn't even try to save us.
-You don't have to do this.
-Where is it?
So disappointed in you.
Hey. Hey. You want a corgi?
It's on me.
I want the money.
And the corgi.
We don't know
where the money is.
Only Xan does.
We have to find her.
She is on drugs and she's alone.
I hope she's okay.
Hey, Ren.
If we're gonna die,
I'm glad it's with Nedward.
I'm gonna need
a lot of therapy after this.
Take this feather. Let it go.
My friends.
My friends. My friends.
My friends.
My friends. My friends.
You know, I really did think
you gals were fun.
-Shut up, Amara.
You shut up you Yelp princess.
Yelp princess?
What are you gonna do?
You're gonna tie up four women?
People will be looking for us
by tomorrow morning.
Yep, well, we-- we--
we'll be gone by tonight
off to Juarez, Mexico
to live with.
We're gonna have little babies
and they're gonna have
little babies
and they're gonna name her Wendy
and then we're gonna--
Look, everyone. It's a sign.
- A feather.
- What the fuck?
-Is that Xan? Is she okay?
-She's definitely not okay.
She's holding a bloody feather
and I'm pretty sure
she's peeking.
-Been there.
You better give us
that a hundred thousand dollars.
You know what?
You think
you can come in here and lie
and cheat and do
whatever the hell you want.
I don't think so.
I am not sitting here
and taking this.
I do not deserve this.
You don't get to dictate
what I do with that money.
And I will be damned
if I worked this hard,
this hard for some
scumbag husband...
-Husband? take it from me.
I'm not giving you shit, Tony.
-Hey, desert sister.
My heart sickens!
You little bitches!
Hey, you don't
get to call us bitches.
Only friends can call us that.
Now, get outta here.
Marmar. Marmar.
Marmar, we gotta get--
we gotta get--
May the night spirits
caress your slumber.
Be blessed.
Let's get out of here.
We're done.
We did it!
How long do mushrooms last?
- Couple more hours.
- Oh God.
Why didn't we just stay here?
- That's so bad.
- Just look at the sky.
- Your hands are so big.
- Just look at the sky.
Also your hands are bloody.
- Please don't touch anyone.
- Oh, wow.
It's absolutely
fucking ridiculous.
You guys, I'm so jacked up on
adrenaline from that tit punch.
Did you see it?
I've always
loved your tit punches.
Again, my treat because
of the, you know, bag of money.
Whatever. I can't believe
I'm wheeling my own suitcase.
They just need some time
to decompress.
Things will be better
in the morning.
-Are we okay?
-I don't know. Are we?
I was trying to protect you.
I don't need shielding.
Okay, great.
Please sit.
What's with the, uh, formality?
-Oh, God.
Someone help her. For God sake.
-You got-- Oh, no.
-She's gonna--
-I'm okay. I got it.
-Oh, okay.
-You got it?
-You doing okay, Iz?
-Yeah. I'm okay.
Okay. Thank you all for coming.
I rented out
the entire spa for the day.
Why can't we just
talk this out like adults?
Well, apparently,
because we are incapable.
-What's with the candle?
-I thought it was cool.
-It's very dramatic.
-Shut it.
I will blow out
this ceremonial candle
at the end and then
we can all get massages.
No! Okay.
I thought you would do that.
You little smart ass.
My prickly pear Ren.
So I know we could
not go to the sound bath.
So I brought this
bronze singing bowl.
The guy that sold it to me
was really fricking weird,
but he said it would
cleanse my chakras, so.
Oh, my God, Iz. Our itinerary.
I would like to finish
the resurrection ceremony.
What the--
Singing. Singing.
Singing bowl.
It's a singing bowl.
I really am trying.
I know it takes two people
to start a relationship
and two to end one.
I was passive and scared.
And I didn't fight for anything.
So, I am divorced
and I own up to my part.
Not just Tony's.
Wow. That's really great.
And I know that things
cannot get back to normal,
but what does
normal mean anyways?
Selling corgis?
I actually do
snakes now too, so.
Oh, wow.
Uh, documenting the world?
Winning the most cases?
Or marrying a really great guy
while your best friend
stands up at your wedding.
I'm talking about me.
I'm your best friend.
I know.
And I don't care that
Tony will be at the wedding.
In fact, I hope that someday
I will not care
about Tony at all.
Yeah, fuck Tony
and his tiny penis.
Uh-huh. Fuck him.
But when I was at my lowest,
I knew that
all you gals were just, uh,
a phone call or a meme
or an inappropriate emoji away.
And, um,
that means everything to me.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I did think
this was gonna float in
like a cool and mysterious way.
Yeah, that's what I thought
the first time.
And I've been thinking about it
and I'm going to start
going to therapy.
Thank God.
Baruch HaShem
As my people would say, dayenu.
-Dayenu, my child.
-Oh my God. What did she say?
Yeah. I could really use
someone neutral to talk to.
Xan, we love you.
I love us.
Aw, me too.
-Me three.
-Same, I guess.
Can I just say something?
-Really quick.
That feather is disgusting.
Feathers in general
are disgusting.
That feather in particular
is especially disgusting.
You should throw it away
or burn it or bury it.
And also wash your hands.
And also, I love you so much.
Iz, I need that wipey
that you offered from before.
Oh, you want the wipey now, huh?
It smells like death.
24, 25,
And 17 cents.
Oh, guys, we should have
treated ourselves
with that second shrimp buffet
when we had the chance.
What the hell am I going to do
with $26,000?
No! Absolutely not.
No. No way. No.
Oh, yeah baby.
This better be
the best glass of wine
I've ever had in my life.
Cheers to the greatest friends
a girl could ask for.
To the pirate wine.
Yarr !
Nope. Absolutely not.
Fucking cinnamon lime again?
-Mine's good.
This tastes
like grandmother's piss.
Pirate grandmother's piss.
Why do you wanna drink piss?
It's expensive.
Ugh. Thank God.
This is us.
-Oh, Sam.
Happy divorce!
That's right.
Did you hear that?
I am single and ready to mingle.
-Uh, sir.
-Yeah. You still got it, girl.
Yeah, he def wants this.
That was great.
You know, that was kinda hot.
And the next time
we will all be together
will be for
Isabella's bachelorette.
Oh, my God. Vegas.
I know so many
strippers in Vegas.
One call from me and boom,
stripper city.
And I think John is still
DJing and he will hook us up.
-Who's John?
You know, he sang "Get Low."
I-- I'm so sorry.
Do you mean Little John?
That's not
what his friends call him.
-How do you know Little John?
-Oh, my God.
She's literally fucked everyone.
It's actually incredible.
It does help though
with like hookups.
No, I'm worried
about her safety.
- It's bad.
- Hey, look.
I did wanna tell you, before
you go, my tender peach...
-...that I will take
two of those long boy hamsters
and you can throw
in some snakes too.
-Are you serious?
-I am very serious.
- Are you serious?
- I'm deadly serious.
- You serious?
- Deadly.
Oh, you've never supported
my businesses before.
Okay, let's go.
This feels really irresponsible.
Ren, get my bag.
I got your bag.
I gotta go. I'm too excited.
Holy shit!
I'm not ready.
My pants are all the way down.
-Four, two, four.
-Second stick.
Hello, kind eyes.
- Are we rolling?
- Okay. And...
You smell like a shrimp buffet.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
You smell like a taco bar.
Well, you smell great.
Little blowing.
I would like to offer you...
a damn semi.
You smell like a urinal cake.
Or in the president's
establishment room.
What am I saying?
Is this feeling right?
Oh, fuck!
I don't know what I'm saying.
Fuck, that was so good too.
Shit balls.
I think it's so tight.
-Do you want take that again?
-Yes, I would.
I didn't wanna say anything.
That's my other line.
When Tony--
that's not my husband.
That's your husband.
Is it soft or better?
'Cause you can't solve
All right. Sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Give me a stand your ground.
Give me a-- Give me a--
I'm certainly not
enjoying them right now.
Are you trying to say
you wanna get double penetrated?
Because I feel like
I can't do that anymore.
I can't--
Damn it!
My oven is not big enough
for two eggplants.
Did she get double penetrated?
By Ricardo.
Two eggplants in the oven.
-I could go on.
Okay. It better be.
We love it.