Mysterious Ways (2025) Movie Script

1
(dramatic music)
(door hinge creaking)
(person coughing)
(door thudding)
(gentle horn music)
Thank you for
everything, pastors.
When I was at my lowest point,
you two. - Okay,
thank you, Donna.
Wonderful.
That was great.
And my parents always
loved when you would insist
on doing that during worship.
(Denise laughing)
Okay guys, just
a quick reminder,
this is a celebration of life,
it's not a funeral, okay.
One day we will all join
my parents in heaven.
Unlike the drunk driver
who murdered them.
He didn't make it
through the gates.
Amen.
Oh, "They all loved it
when you would insisted"
"on doing it during worship."
"I'm the pastor's kid."
And you know what?
Your parents' funeral may
not be exactly the place
that you should be all
passive aggressive.
You know, I was one of the
most loyal freaking members.
Okay, who's up next?
We have our newest member
of our congregation,
Garrett Cunningham, AKA
G. Money to do a rap.
Give him a big
round of applause.
Yo, yo, yo, what's
good, Peaceful Waters.
Lemme hear you make some noise.
(all applauding)
This one goes out
to Carl and Betty.
I never met you, but I miss you.
Stop looking so
sad, we're up next.
Should have just had
a regular funeral.
What?
No, this is beautiful.
The devil is trash,
he gives me a rash
I dare need to help
God you freaking smell
They're just gone.
How could this be
what God wanted?
Look, I know you're sad,
but there's nothing
mom and dad loved more
than to watch us dance.
Yeah.
That's right
They're watching us right
now, so don't mess up.
(gentle upbeat music)
Oh my God.
(upbeat music)
It's Donna.
Oh my God.
See, I told you.
Oh my God, who would
do something like this?
(dramatic music)
We all know you've been through
trials and tribulations,
but you are the new generations.
And as your new pastor, I'm
going to need some help.
You are warriors on a
spiritual battleground.
And every time you
have a bowling night
or put on one of
your little skits.
Frequent migraines, leave now.
That's another
night that the devil
can't get his hands
around these kids
with his pills and his
porno and his Pokemon cards.
The three Ps.
Kevin, do you believe that
God can heal the blind?
Yes, I do.
Why wouldn't he do
that for you right now?
I don't, I don't know.
These glasses
were pretty expensive.
-You don't need 'em.
(Denise speaking in
foreign language)
Perfect vision, 20/20.
Uh, maybe I pray
for the next one.
No way, I'm on a roll.
Oh.
Whoa, Mason, you okay?
Hallelujah.
God can heal that too.
I can hear your voice,
feel your presence
I just wanna say that the Lord
sent me a vision last night,
a vision for my amazing
girlfriend, Denise and I.
(Denise screaming)
Yes, I will be your bride.
"Just then the
wall explodes open"
"as the Tribulation
Squad's armored truck"
"blasted to the warehouse"
"Not today, antichrist,
yells Marcia"
"removing her red
satanic cloak."
"You take my friends off
of that pentagram now."
"That's right, I've been a
believer this whole time."
"She pulls out two
oozies, heroically."
Jesus is my friend
Oh, no.
No.
Oh my God, Charlie.
I got left behind.
(Denise crying)
(Charlie laughing)
Charlie, I'm gonna kill you.
What?
It's joke.
"And when they
continued asking him,"
"he said unto them,
he who is without sin"
"be the first to
cast a stone at her."
(class laughing)
Don't throw rocks, we get it.
Bethany.
(gentle music)
Who do you wanna give your
money to as the world crumbles?
Mickey Ds,
Uncle Sam's or God?
Who, by the way, is
now accepting PayPal,
Venmo and Cash App.
It's new.
All you have to do is scan
your smartphone. - Over here,
I'm doing collection today.
No, check the calendar,
Charlie, it's my Sunday.
What's going on?
She's confused.
I'm just gonna take
the basket away quick.
I'm not confused.
Thank you so much, Charlie.
And the Lord loves
when his children
remain peaceful
with one another.
Just face it Charlie, you lost.
What is your problem?
Just give me the fucking basket.
(Louisa screaming)
(dramatic music)
You're the one that
rapture pranked me again.
Yeah, yeah as retaliation,
because you constantly
interrupt my sermons.
Oh, I'm sorry that the
kids are falling asleep.
Open your Bibles to
Hezekiah chapter, I'm bored.
Nobody cares.
Oh, I'm so sorry
that the actual Bible
doesn't have machine guns in it,
like your doomsday propaganda.
God led me to the,
"Tribulation Squad."
It's a really good book okay.
And the rapture could happen
during literally this sentence.
Okay, that's enough kids.
Is this what you want to be
like, at each other's throats?
You almost decapitated
poor Louisa.
God healed her in
like two minutes.
She basically has
a new neck now.
Again, I'm really, really
sorry about my outburst.
I don't know where it came from.
What you guys don't understand,
is that the church is
going through a season
of financial testing.
Wait, what?
[Charlie] How bad is it?
It's not looking so hot.
You know, ever since the parking
lot situation with Donna,
people are saying the church
has a Satanic curse on it.
Parking lot situation?
Yeah, you mean the murder?
The investigation is
still open all right.
The security footage
was corrupted.
We have Satanists living
in this neighborhood.
We know what happened.
(dramatic music)
You gotta stop going
to their place.
Oh, do I?
Jesus loves you.
Ah.
We know what you did.
(dramatic music)
PK Doyle says that we need
to fight fire with fire.
And what?
Make more fire.
Look, we just don't
want people thinking,
"Oh, this is that church"
"where people die
in the parking lot."
Even though the devil
is a persistent bastard.
Just the other day we found
bullet holes in the ceiling.
Oh, come back soon, Jesus.
This world is going
straight down the tubes.
What about the play
tomorrow night?
I mean, we have a
pretty good turnout
coming for that, right?
That's true.
There'll be more
butts in the seats.
But we have a problem
with the Youth Group too.
No way, we're rock solid.
Well, Bethany wants to
take a hip hop class
and then go to an
electronic twerk festival.
(upbeat music)
Well, maybe a little
break from group
would be good for her.
She could explore
other hobbies, maybe.
Absolutely not.
This is the devil
trying to weasel his way
into the very heart
of this church.
I will not stand by and
watch as Bethany goes off
to some secular hip
hop sexual class.
Just make her go to the
slumber party tonight
and we'll have her on
fire for the Lord so hard,
Jesus juice is gonna be
squirting out of her eyeballs.
Yes.
Save my daughter,
save the church.
Rehearse the play.
All right, but you guys
gotta tag team this, okay.
No more rapture pranks.
No more choking out
my congregation.
You gotta take
care of each other.
You got it?
We won't let you down.
(gentle guitar music)
When I first met you
Yeah, I knew
that it was love
I could hear his voice
From the skies above
Saying she's the one for you
Oh yeah, she's the
one I made for you
(gentle guitar music)
Yeah, the Lord spent
extra time on you
The Lord spend
extra time on you
Yeah, the Lord
worked overtime
Hey, Denise,
we gotta go set up.
Do you not see my fiance
ripping out his heart for me?
Yeah, Garrett, really a
very sexy Christian song.
But we gotta go set
up for rehearsal, so.
I loved it.
At least the part that
Charlie let me hear anyway.
You inspire me.
You and God, like 60/40,
God being the 60%.
I'm okay with that ratio.
Not that I don't
worship you, I do.
Right.
No, but it's not a religious
worship like you're a deity.
It's a romantic kind.
The devil is really tempting
me to kiss you right now.
But I know it'll
be so much sweeter
if we save it for
our wedding day.
Same.
Jesus won't have to
stay in between anymore.
Yeah.
Get in the other
room Jesus, scoot.
Plug your ears, Lord.
(both laughing)
Gosh, we are gonna be
such a powerful couple.
Me with my incredible sermons
and you with your
beautiful music.
Just like the way that Jesus
rose the Lazarus from the dead,
these chairs are
gonna be overflowing.
(Denise moaning)
Clock's ticking.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye Garrett.
I love you.
I love you too.
My gosh, he's gotten so
much better at guitar.
(door thudding)
I miss G. Money.
It's not his fault he's anointed
in many different areas.
Oh, hey Charlie boy.
Didn't mean to scare y'all.
That's okay.
How are you doing?
Check out who made the
cover of this month's
Locked and Loaded Ladies.
[Charlie] Oh wow.
Whoa, good for you, Patricia.
It's cool, right?
Yeah, yeah, you look like
you're having a fun barbecue
and then violence breaks
out for some reason.
You know, it is so funny
you mentioned barbecue
because I just bought way
too much food for tonight.
'Cause obviously I'm
not gonna do Halloween
and celebrate the devil, ugh.
Yeah, it's such an
awful tradition.
Indoctrinating
children into satanism
with costumes and candies.
Amen.
That's a little extreme, right?
No.
So, I guess I'm just hunkering
down for the evening.
Looks like I got about
enough food for two people.
Wow.
You're gonna be real full.
(Patricia laughing)
You're hilarious.
I'm inviting you over for
dinner, Captain obvious.
You said you wanted to
check out my armory.
Oh, oh, I do,
I do want to see all the
guns you own one day.
It's just tonight,
I can't, because.
We, yeah, we have our play
rehearsal slash slumber party
with the Youth Group.
[Charlie] That, yeah.
Oh, that's right.
The big play, "Trick or True."
Oh, it's adorable.
Everybody is so
excited for that.
Well,
we'll just find
another time then.
Is that, um?
Oh, whoops, yep.
My little cowboy defender.
Just a little baby gun.
She has a gun.
What, on her?
Oh my God.
Hug the gun that you
brought into our church.
No parking lot killer's
getting the jump on me.
Patricia's always packing.
God bless.
Awesome, see you later.
She's so cool.
No, no, no.
Locked and Loaded Ladies.
(car trunk thudding)
Why don't you wanna date her?
She's the hottest
woman in church.
She's so intense now,
she's terrifying.
Okay, but everybody's
intense compared to you.
You're like a dead fish.
Just because I can practice
a little bit of restraint
when it comes to not
saying every little thing
that pops into my brain.
Huh.
What?
Nothing.
You were gonna say
something mean?
No, I wasn't.
I literally am so calm.
God has like kind of gifted me
with this like, newfound peace.
(dramatic music)
It's already begun.
(dramatic music)
I think I have a solution to
our little Bethany problem.
But don't freak out.
Why would I freak out?
Oh.
Let me explain.
Nothing has got the kids
more fired up about JC
than the Tribulation Squad.
These books are mind poison.
And I understand your position,
but the ritual scene is iconic.
And in group dance form, I
swear it's gonna go mega viral.
Just let the girl take
her hip hop dance class.
Okay, if she wants to
come back after, she will.
No, we, oh, that class
is a slip and slide
straight to hell, okay.
First thing you know,
she's dancing in her
little booty shorts.
Next thing she's
out on the streets
doing Sodom and
Gomorrah stuff for cash.
So what, you're
going to save her
by dancing around a pentagram?
Yes, in red satanic cloaks.
I've had this idea
for a while now.
Why are you even asking me if
you are already buying shit?
I'm, I'm sorry.
I should have talked to
you about this sooner.
All of this end of days stuff,
it's gotta stop all right.
Whatever happened to
the more simple message
of Jesus' love and
forgiveness and.
Yeah, that's good.
Um, maybe you can do a
sermon about all that
before the dance.
You know, you can talk
about being nice and crap.
Yeah?
Yeah.
With no interruptions?
I will try my hardest.
But sometimes you are boring.
No okay, I'm sorry, I'm just
kidding, I won't interrupt.
Come on, we gotta do something.
All right, let's see
your stupid dance.
Yes.
Thank you for trusting me.
Oh my gosh, thank you.
I promise, this is really gonna
clarify some things for you.
I swear, you're not
gonna regret this.
(Denise screaming)
What, what, what, what?
The plant.
(upbeat music)
Two minutes and 37
seconds without detection.
I can do better.
Gordon, what the hell?
You scared the crap
outta me, Gordon.
It's not my fault that you're
unprepared for intruders.
If anything, you should just
take this as a wake up call.
Why?
Why are you dressed
like this Gordon?
Certainly none of your business.
But if you must
know I'm practicing
for an upcoming camping trip.
(Denise laughing)
Camping trip.
You can make fun
of all you want.
I'm not the one who's gonna
be eviscerated limb from limb
when that fateful day arrives.
Gordon.
Yes.
It's your turn to do the dishes.
I'm not sure that's true.
Yeah, yeah, it's true.
Check the whiteboard
on the fridge.
I believe I told you already
that I refuse to consent
to these absurd
whiteboard regulations.
Oh, by the way, the Youth Group
is gonna be coming here
tonight for play rehearsal.
And where, pray tell,
do you intend to
host this rehearsal?
The living room?
Yeah.
- Oh, the living room. - Yeah.
- The living room. - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Where I already told
you I'd be hosting
my live stream tonight.
Can't you just live
stream from your room?
Technically.
Fine.
(footsteps thudding)
One more month and he's gone.
[Gordon] Two, two months.
He's right, it's two.
- All right. - He's so weird.
Yeah, yeah he is.
Let's just go set up for
your ceremonial dance.
Well, everybody, we seem to
have run into a little issue
with the big unveiling tonight.
My two jackass roommates
have invited over
a small army of Christian
children this evening,
which is, you know, great news
that any roommate
would love to hear.
So, they've claimed
the living room.
But fret not, I will still
be revealing my big surprise,
during my live
stream, on schedule.
But what do we say
here on the channel,
where there's a Sasq Watch
there's a Sasq Way, huh.
So I checked in with my friend
about, "The Backslider."
And?
And they loved it.
They loved it?
They love how personal it is,
all the crazy family stuff.
You losing your faith
and keeping it a secret.
And spoiler alert, you're
about to get an email from them
because you got
into the program.
Yay, thank God.
Yes.
See religious
trauma ain't so bad.
Charlie, are you still there?
I'm getting dizzy.
Are you done?
Did God disrupt the
signal or something?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm here, I'm here.
I just, I think
it's all hitting me.
(dramatic music)
Ow.
(dramatic music)
(voices chanting)
It's time to open
your eyes, brother.
(dramatic music)
(door bell ringing)
[Pastor] Have a
wonderful time, baby.
Okay, bye.
[Samantha] Bye, Pastor.
Sorry, he's like
extra peppy tonight.
Big night without the daughter.
He's probably gonna bust
out his old magazines
and yank it all
night on the couch.
[Samantha] Bethany, gross.
(Kevin laughing)
Yikes.
Good for him.
Okay, new topic.
Have you guys been
practicing your lines?
I've been trying, but I feel
like with my head injury,
it's making it impossible.
Dear Lord, we ask you
to heal Mason's head
and restore his memory
so that we may put on
an amazing play to
glorify your name.
Isn't that how his head got
injured in the first place.
Hey, it's the whole gang.
Come on in, guys.
We've got an interesting
surprise for you.
- I love surprises.
- Hi, good to see you.
Hey.
All right, it's gonna be fun.
Hey, Charlie.
Yeah, hi.
Hey, Kevin.
Yeah.
You feeling okay?
Yeah, I'm good.
Just a headache.
I mean, I think my brain is
still processing my miracle.
Okay, well, you know, you
can wear your glasses, right?
Mason's wearing his.
I know, right.
-What's that on the floor.
-What's going on?
Charlie.
(dramatic music)
[Voice] Satanic.
Denise is everything okay?
Welcome youths, hope you
brought your dancing shoes.
(dramatic music)
[Samantha] I can't believe
people just do this every year.
Yeah.
My mom says dressing up like
evil dead creatures is demonic.
That kid's, The Hulk,
is that demonic?
- Yes. - Yes.
You guys are literally
so homeschooled.
Okay, and then you're
going to jack your arm
and then raise your
hands up to Satan,
or your know, it's
for a good thing,
but it's, oh yeah, excellent.
Really good.
So Charlie, you're
not gonna dance.
I thought you and
Denise were like this
amazing praise dance duo.
No, I'm retired.
Hmm, must be nice.
Circle up everybody, this is it.
Dance time, Bethany, come on.
That's right.
So we're gonna get you front
row right here in the middle
'cause you're our pro dancer.
Very fun, very involved, yeah.
Yeah, it's fun, I love it.
Yes.
Oh, hey, before we begin
the creepy devil dance,
I just wanted to remind everyone
why we're doing this in
the first place, okay.
So. - Oh no,
okay I'm so sorry,
we're rushed for time.
So we just gonna
do a play rehearsal
and then just the dance.
So let's just do the dance.
But we talked about this.
Whoa Charlie, can we not
argue in front of the kids?
Really rude.
Okay, all right, all
right, whatever just.
Awesome, dance time, yeah.
From one pastor's
kid to another.
Here you go, Beth.
Wait, what is this?
Okay, so do you remember
how Marsha Dixon
infiltrates the Satanica ball?
[Bethany] Yeah.
Yeah so, we just thought it
would be really kinda cool
if you spoke in Latin
during the dance.
Really creepy, authentic.
You want me to
dance while reading?
Yes, you basically
are a Marsha Dixon.
Okay.
Wait, why is there
blood on this?
Um, I had a nosebleed,
sorry about that.
Let's go, here we go, thank you.
All right, you guys, this
is it, your moment to shine.
Let's go.
Charlie, you ready?
Yep, just finding the song.
Okay and.
God, why am I even here?
Three, two, one, recording.
(dramatic music)
(Bethany speaking
in foreign language)
(upbeat music)
(Bethany speaking
in foreign language)
(upbeat music)
(Bethany speaking
in foreign language)
(dramatic music)
(Askeroth growling)
We just nailed it on take one.
Oh my gosh. - Good job.
(hands clapping)
Dude, that's gonna blow
up so hard on TikTok.
We should send it to PK
Doyle, maybe he'll share it.
I think he's a recluse
who lives in a log cabin.
Wait, Bethany, are you okay?
[Kevin] It's smokey down there.
Bethany, what's going on?
I thought you did so
good with the Latin.
You okay?
(Askeroth growling)
Whoa, hey Mason, can you go
grab her some water, please?
I'm on it.
Hey Bethany, do you
have any allergies
that maybe you
didn't tell us about?
You really should disclose that.
- Yeah. - Hey, Bethany.
Hey, I'm so sorry that
you don't feel well.
We brought you some water.
Why don't you just take a sip.
Why don't you take a sip, bitch.
(Askeroth growling)
Oh my God.
Forget the dance, this
is gonna go viral.
No, no phones.
Do not record this.
Hey, hey Bethany.
[Askeroth] Bethany
isn't home right now.
My name is Askeroth
Okay, all right, Bethany, if
this is some kind of joke,
nobody is laughing.
Ha, ha, ha, I'm laughing, bitch.
In the name of Jesus Christ,
I command you to
leave this body now.
Ah, ah, it's working,
it's working.
No it's not.
Bethany, we get you
don't wanna be here,
but this is fucking crazy.
Tonight, I will claim
many souls for Lucifer.
Would you like to know how many?
Satan, I command you to
leave now strenuously.
And once I have
planned their souls,
I will make their
beautiful corpses dance.
(dramatic music)
I could take all of your souls.
But for now, I'd
rather make you watch.
Hey, you come back here Bethany.
You're not going nowhere, devil.
Time to feast.
(dramatic music)
Oh no, no.
Don't eat anybody.
(footsteps thudding)
Excuse me.
Have either of you seen kind
of a blood-soaked little girl
run by here?
Growly voice.
She yelled, time to feast.
Oh man, we are screwed.
It's only temporary.
You'll get your cell phones
back once we find the demon
and calm her down a little bit.
Calm her down.
She's possessed.
We should be reaching out
to a national prayer
network right now.
There's no way Bethany
could throw Charlie
across the room like that.
This is just like the,
"Tribulation Squad."
No, we have no proof of that.
Are more of us
gonna get possessed?
I had like three
slices of that pizza.
I had four.
Do I look weird?
Okay, stop, this isn't a
pizza related incident, okay.
This is just another
in a series of attacks,
on our church, by the devil.
(dramatic music)
(footsteps thudding)
(dramatic music)
The kids are super freaked out.
Aren't you?
I mean this is just
like pure evidence
that the supernatural
realm exists.
They're gonna be going
to church forever now.
Hold on, you're
excited about this?
Duh, it's God's plan.
No, there's nothing
to be excited about.
We are her youth pastors.
Pastor Bobby gave
her to us to feed
and to teach about the Bible
and to give her
back fully intact
without her pretending
to be possessed
by some demonic dancing demon.
Pretending?
She's not pretending, okay.
Exhibit A, demon blood.
Ah, she's got you fooled.
All right, this is
classic Bethany behavior.
All right, you'll see.
Who are you calling?
Who do you think?
You can't call a demon?
I'm not calling a demon,
I'm calling a rebellious
teenage asshole.
[Askeroth] Hello?
Hey Bethany.
Hi.
Why don't you just come on
back, okay, everything's okay.
You can take your
hip hop dance class.
And you know what?
I'll talk to your dad and
it's gonna be so fine.
So just head on back here
and I promise we
won't tell anyone.
(Askeroth laughing)
[Askeroth] I will blood
on your parents' graves
you foolish orphans.
(cellphone beeping)
"Nice try you small dick prude."
Well that's inappropriate.
(cellphone ringing)
How did she do that?
Oh, I got, "Eat shit slut."
Come on, I'm pure.
She hacked my phone.
She possessed it, bro.
(dramatic music)
Look, I'm almost certain
if we go try to
catch her right now,
we're gonna get beaten up,
you're definitely gonna
get thrown up on again.
But gosh, we worked so
hard on, "Trick or Truth"
and Bethany's one of the leads.
We have to find her.
Forget the play.
She could be out there getting
kidnapped or something.
Yeah, plus I won't be able to
text Garrett wedding plans.
The stakes are super high.
Okay, all right, we can
do this, we can do this.
But if we do, please just
let me do the talking.
All right, I don't want
to encourage any more
of this creepy devil stuff.
Hey, you wanna be the
lead hostage negotiator
to the prince of
darkness, be my guest.
Close enough.
Let's get this little goblin.
All right, let's do it.
Wait, what about the kids?
(Denise knocking)
[Denise] Gordon, Gordon now.
[Gordon] Hold on.
Gordon, Gordon.
I'm sorry, I don't
remember the two of you
going back in time having
sex and giving birth to me.
Ew what are you
talking about. - Oh, sicko.
I'm not your child and I
won't be treated as such.
Gordon, we're siblings.
By adoption, sure.
Listen, Gordon, can we just skip
past all your creepy bullshit?
One of the kids ran away
and we need you to watch
the other ones, okay.
Oh.
So first I'm kicked
out of the living room,
had to re-plan my
entire live stream.
Yeah, I'm sure everybody
was freaking out.
And now you want me to babysit
your creepy little
cabal down there?
You just can't leave a
Youth Group unsupervised.
The sexual tension is too much.
Yeah, that sounds like
a you problem, no.
Come on, a hundred
dollars, two hours tops.
Please.
Come on, can't you do your
live stream another night?
150 bucks and you two
do the dishes this week.
You know we're not gonna
be using that, right?
Oh, right, right, right
'cause this is one
of those nice demons
that really loves to chat.
Aha.
Just let me do
the talking, okay.
Oh, shoot.
Yes, I found my pocket knife
in case I need to stab someone.
There will be no stabbing.
Please put the knife away.
I don't know how.
Oh my God.
Well, can you put
it down at least?
You're holding it straight.
- I'm just
gonna hold it like
this, just go.
You're gonna hold it like that.
I'm gonna hold it like this.
Okay, fine, whatever.
(upbeat music)
(car engine revving)
(upbeat music)
Bethany.
(upbeat music)
Baby doll, my light,
these past few months have
been the greatest of my life.
And not just because
my dad gave me
one of his companies to run,
and also not because
the renovations
on my house in Malibu
are finally done.
Those things would
be nothing to me
without someone to
share them with.
I know this wasn't where
you pictured this happening
when you were a little girl.
And I know your
friends don't like me,
but I don't like
your friends either.
So we'll get you some new ones.
And just like how I'm gonna turn
this disgusting
shell of a building
into a thriving dating app
company for celebrity dog owners,
I'm gonna turn our situation
into a lifetime of love.
(insects chirping)
So will you marry me?
Um, I need to make a call.
[Friend] Hello?
Hey, you know that
guy I've been dating.
[Friend] Oh my god, Mike,
you're still with him.
Yeah, still.
So, he just proposed.
(camera shutter clicking)
Hi there.
This is private property.
And I'm kind of in the
middle of something.
So if you could just scram.
(dramatic music)
Oh shit.
(drill humming)
Okay, you're totally
right, I'm gonna tell him.
[Friend] God speed.
I'll see you at the party.
Love you girl.
Oh, I gotta go.
Shawn's opening up another keg.
Hail Satan.
(cellphone beeping)
(dramatic music)
Mike.
Are you here?
(dramatic music)
(footsteps tapping)
(dramatic music)
(Sharon screaming)
"But Amanda, you can't
go to that party."
"Oh yeah, Kennedy, why not?"
"Because they're doing
witchcraft there, duh."
"No they're not.
"You are just assuming
that, right, Lilith?"
Well, obviously we
don't have a Lilith.
No.
We didn't say anything.
You want me to participate
in your mumbo jumbo
religious propaganda.
But the only thing that
this guy's getting paid for
is to sit here and
keep your asses
in between these four walls.
I guess I could play
both characters.
But then you'd be
talking to yourself
for the whole scene.
Dude, who cares?
This play's only happening so
our parents can take pictures.
I think it has a
beautiful message.
Okay, let's take it
from where we left off.
"No, they're not.
"You are just assuming
that, right Lilith."
"Maybe sometimes the
truth just looks silly
"to people who
don't understand."
"Whatever, I'm gonna
that party anyway."
"Damn the consequences."
"Kennedy is right."
"Something terrible's gonna
happen at that party,"
"even though we
have zero evidence."
What, did Charlie do a rewrite?
Shut up.
Shut, shut, fucking stop it.
Gimme the papers.
So you'll be Lilith?
Top of the page, here we go.
"Maybe sometimes the
truth just looks silly"
"to people who
don't understand."
(car engine revving)
[Charlie] There's
a park up here.
[Denise] Askeroth, Askeroth.
Askeroth, Askeroth.
[Charlie] Don't call her that.
Bethany.
Bethany.
Maybe I could call the police
and put out an
amber alert for her.
Oh, that's a great idea.
And then Pastor Bobby
will get a text message
detailing what his
daughter looks like
and he'll have a heart attack.
Plus your phone is
still super possessed.
Any other genius ideas?
What's going on over there?
(upbeat music)
She did say she would
make their corpses dance.
(upbeat music)
Or they're drunks.
Let's go see if
they've seen her.
(upbeat music)
[Mike] It's working, here we go.
[Sharon] Shut up
and keep dancing.
(upbeat music)
(car door thudding)
(upbeat music)
Hey guys.
First of all, sweet moves.
You guys see a little
girl with a kind of pale,
scary-looking
complexion around here.
Oh shit. - Oh my.
Charlie and Denise,
how do you like my new digs?
Oh God, it's real.
(upbeat music)
[Denise] Don't you shake
your butt at me, Jezebel.
Where's Bethany?
Who?
The original girl you possessed.
Oh, you speak of the conduit.
That one has a lot
more work to do.
624 more to go.
Oh my God.
That means she's already possessed
like 40 something people.
You two must return home.
Your pursuit is pointless.
(upbeat music)
-My phone is working.
-It's Pastor Bobby.
No, don't answer it.
I have to.
What are he's in trouble?
What, no he's not, no.
Stay away Satan, I'm
not afraid to smack you.
Hello Pastor.
Hey, how's the
slumber party going?
Everybody ready
for the big play?
Oh yeah.
Just pastoring
these youths, you know.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, stay away from
the car, demon.
You safe at the church?
What are you doing?
What are you doing? - Great.
Well, I'm just checking in,
seeing if Bethany's
getting her dance on.
Oh, she's dancing all right.
Her energy is infectious.
Wonderful.
Well, I'm about to have a
one-on-one with Garrett,
but I foresee some
heavy offering baskets
tomorrow night, Charlie.
Oh yeah, heavy baskets.
Yeah, that's how we like 'em.
Okay, see you later.
Too bad, I have something else.
(car engine revving)
My car.
Oh, oh, quick.
In the name of Jesus,
I urge you to pull over
this car right now.
In the name of Jesus.
(demons laughing)
(car engine revving)
My car is possessed.
How is this real?
You know, it's
actually more weird
that stuff like this
doesn't happen all the time.
All right, let's not panic.
At least the Youth
Group is safe.
Youth Group.
Get them while the two
holy dancers are away.
Well, excuse me, I've got
some a-holes to freak up.
They're gone.
(cellphone beeping)
This thing is already
spread to dozens of people.
That guy was saying that
Bethany is the conduit.
What do you think
he meant by that?
(cellphone vibrating)
[Patricia] Hello.
What is it?
[Patricia] Who's there?
Look.
Show yourself, I'm
armed and ready to kill.
You know, Patricia's
always packing.
Look at my jacket.
(Patricia screaming)
He got Patricia.
Wait.
She let Pastor Bobby call me.
This is a threat.
She's going after the church.
We need to get more
information on this demon.
Well, where the hell
are we gonna get that?
I think I have an idea.
(upbeat music)
You're gonna say where or?
(upbeat music)
(insects chirping)
(upbeat music)
So, you and Denise are
gonna seal the deal
in a couple of months,
how's that going?
Good, good.
I, yeah, I just, um,
I've been having some troubles.
Of a sexual nature?
Are we talking porn?
No, no, no, no, not porn.
Ah, okay.
Um, have you ever been
working on a sermon
for a long time that you
love with all your heart
and then the Lord gives
you another sermon idea
and suddenly all you wanna
do is work on this new sermon
and it keeps you up at night
and you feel like your mind
is being ripped in half.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, life is
full of tough decisions.
What do you think of this, huh?
Complete rebrand.
We showed strength
in dark times,
but we keep the water thing.
Um.
Oh hey, we just got a
few more minutes here.
Why don't you grab a
snack in the kitchen?
So are you writing sermons?
Actually, you mind if I
go grab a quick snack too?
Yeah, go ahead, I gotta
bang out a couple of emails.
(footsteps thudding)
(dramatic music)
Patricia, you okay?
(dramatic music)
What are you doing in the
kitchen with the lights off?
Are we still gonna
watch movies later?
[Demon] Come hither sexy man.
Ooh, you have a cold?
Your voice sounds, sultry.
[Demon] I'm better than ever.
I thought you might
be luring me in here.
Doing it at the church
again, that's kind of risky.
We'll have to be pretty quiet.
Avoid all these pots and pans.
(dramatic music)
I'm feeling pretty
wild, big boy.
(dramatic music)
Now, dance with me.
(Garrett screaming)
"I guess this is how
it goes sometimes.
"You dip your toe into
the seductive pool"
"of our fallen world, hoping
it won't drag you asunder."
"And then in the end, some
of your friends are dead."
"But others had a good time."
"And maybe Halloween
is fine after all."
"It seems like the truth about
trick or treating all along
"was that we were the
ones being tricked."
"Or maybe it's not
that big of a deal."
"Next year, maybe we
throw our own party."
"Happy Halloween."
(hands clapping)
That was amazing, Gordon.
Yeah, you really became Lilith.
Oh, okay.
You know, come on, stop it.
Was it okay?
- Yeah. - Anyone else
really confused on where the
place stands on Halloween?
I feel it contradicts
itself like a lot.
Charlie definitely
did some rewrites.
Gordon, are you crying?
No.
(Gordon crying)
What?
Maybe.
It's just.
Oh, it's just, I've been
going through a rough
patch, you know?
And it was nice to have
a nice cathartic moment.
Tell us.
Well, tonight was supposed
to be my big reveal
for my subscribers.
For what?
You have a YouTube channel?
I do, I do.
It's called Sasq Watch.
And it chronicles my
attempts to pursue
the very real and very
dangerous threat to us all,
known most commonly as Bigfoot.
(Mason laughing)
That's all right, you can laugh.
You can laugh.
My wife laughed too.
She thought my fixation
was a bit much.
So we are now legally separated.
(dramatic music)
But I have seen wildly
compelling evidence
that the Sasquatch
has made its way down
from the Pacific Northwest
to Southern California.
And not just one
Sasquatch either.
I'm talking thousands
of these bastards.
And they're planning
to attack very soon.
(dramatic music)
But don't worry kids,
because I'm gonna
find them first.
Wow, that's a lot.
You think that
lady at your church
was killed by some
rando last year?
Nah-ah.
Based on the
description, I've heard,
that mark on her neck
was very consistent with,
anyone wanna guess?
That's right.
Big foot claws.
(monster growling)
That attack was
only the beginning.
Maybe sometimes the
truth looks silly
to people who don't understand.
Wait, so what's the big reveal?
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't know if you kids
would think it's cool.
- Probably not. - Come on.
Tell us Gordon. - Go ahead.
What is it? - We wanna know.
Really?
Okay.
This might take me a while, so.
Oh and while I'm gone, don't,
don't touch each other.
You know, don't, no, heavy
petting or whatever you do.
(footsteps thudding)
Okay, when he comes back,
let's ask him if he knows
where he's going when he dies.
(dramatic music)
There they are, the
people who murdered Donna.
Allegedly.
Without a doubt.
Are you sure this isn't gonna be
just a giant waste of time?
I mean, we could be
getting to the church
and stopping Bethany.
Charlie, God let us here, okay.
Sometimes in order
to glorify his name,
you have to go into
the pits of hell.
Based on the reading I've done,
these people are just activists.
They're not activists okay.
Whatever you do, you
cannot let them know
that we're Christians or else
they'll burn us alive, okay.
We need to get in there, get
them talking about the plan,
find out Bethany's weakness,
and then get the
heck outta there.
Okay.
A little more
energy, Satan energy,
please. - Okay.
All right. - Okay.
Is that good?
- Yes.
- Does that make you happy?
(dramatic music)
(voices chanting)
(people chattering)
(upbeat music)
Oh.
(upbeat music)
Look at this debauchery.
This looks pretty normal.
(upbeat music)
I'm gonna do an accent
following my lead.
What?
Hey, nice costume.
A little on unknown for a
Satanist party, but I dig it.
Thank you so much.
That's very sweet of you to say.
My name's Shawn.
This is my place.
I'm,
I'm Charlie.
Ah.
Hail Satan.
Hail Satan.
Oh, okay, we're
just gonna do that.
We're gonna do that sign.
I normally do it as well,
but I have carpal tunnel,
so I'll just do a
regular handshake.
- Okay. - Hello,
I'm Daffodil.
Nice to meet you both.
We're about to take shots
if you want to join.
Yeah, absolutely.
I love shots.
Let's get shotted up.
The Dallas branch truly
is thriving, you know,
we're small, but the
devil is truly doing
almighty work there.
Yeah.
And I'm, I'm from here,
but I met Daffodil
when I moved to Dallas.
And I'm here to visit family
and she wanted to come, so.
Oh, I didn't know there
was a Dallas branch.
Oh yes there is, yeah.
But we try to keep
it under wraps,
you know, just because of
all the goat sacrifices
and we don't want
anybody to, you know,
see us manipulating
the children.
Oh yeah.
Who brought the goats tonight?
Oh, I'm sorry, it
was totally my turn.
My bad, guys.
But truly, it seems to be
that the plan is going
off without a hitch.
Am I correct?
You know, once Askeroth gathers
the 666 demonic dancers,
then the real party will start.
Hallelujah.
(upbeat music)
I'm sorry, my friend has a
real dark sense of humor.
Hey, I'm always down to
talk weird demon shit.
I just like to be high for it.
Yeah, me too.
(Denise laughing)
Sorry, I'm not trying to invite
myself to your weed stash.
No, let's do it.
Charlie, you probably
shouldn't go off
without old Daffodil.
They're kind of weird, right.
Very much so.
Split up, we can
have a look around.
I'm gonna smoke. - I'm all for
get them really high.
Anybody wanna smoke, follow me.
Oh.
Oh, she's got a smoking room.
There he goes.
Well, don't do anything
that I wouldn't do.
(upbeat music)
Can I have a word with you?
Absolutely, I love to talk.
Follow me.
Oh, now.
(Denise laughing)
(upbeat music)
And next month we'll
have Trevor Pipkins in
as a guest speaker.
He's only nine-years-old,
but has already
been to heaven 12 times
and has another book out
with a real humdinger
of a prediction
for when the
rapture will happen.
(gentle guitar music)
The prince of darkness
Hey Garrett, we still
having our session or what?
(gentle guitar music)
He'd really like
us to kill you now
Yeah, he'd really like
us to kill you good
Very funny.
Yeah, yeah.
Who's us?
Go ahead, Pastor, pick it up.
Tough decisions
Tough decisions
Do you grab the gun or
would you rather run
Tough decision
(Pastor screaming)
Tough decisions
[Samantha] Tonight's
been so insane.
I know, right.
But I'm glad you're here.
I'm glad you're here too.
Whoa, Mason, no.
God doesn't want you to kiss me.
Oh, oh right, God, yeah.
But what about what you want?
I also don't want
you to kiss me.
Oh.
(Mason laughing)
Well that's fine.
Kinda weird though,
because God sent me a dream
where you and I were.
- I'm gonna go see
what they're up to
in the living room.
(gentle guitar music)
Do you think Bethany will
ever go back to normal again?
I mean, between you and me,
I'm kind hoping she doesn't.
Really?
Yeah,
I'm kind of digging the deep
guttural voice she's got now.
Garrett's a good singer,
but he could use some
help on the low notes.
Totally.
And maybe after the warship
she could spray some
like blood vomit
into the air, like.
It's time for church
to start innovating.
You guys are awful.
Sorry.
You took it too far, dude.
(both laughing)
And they're back.
Maybe you wanna tell
Charlie and Denise
about your fun idea for Bethany?
(upbeat music)
Weird.
Probably just some
dumb trick or treaters
playing Dingdong Ditch.
(upbeat music)
(Mason laughing)
(upbeat music)
Right.
You guys.
Charlie's at the back door.
Mason, wait.
(upbeat music)
Got room for one more
at your slumber party?
We're cool.
Gordon.
What do you want?
Just spreading the good news.
(demon laughing)
(upbeat music)
(all screaming)
(upbeat music)
(people chattering)
Like, my uncle got put
into custody in the '80s
for just being in a
metal band, dude, like,
'cause they had pentagrams
on their drum kits
and wore eyeshadow, like.
That's messed up.
These Christian people
are like the only people
who really think that Satan
actually exists, like.
What's your deal, man?
You don't need to
hold it like a flute.
(Charlie coughing)
I mean, you can if you want to,
but like, you don't have to.
My first time.
Here, here you go.
I don't know, I'm thinking
about moving to New York.
Oh dude, I'm from New York.
What, when did you move?
Well, that's the thing.
I work for my family's business
and I don't really know
what they're gonna say,
so I, I don't know
if I actually can.
Dude, they don't even know?
No, no, not at all.
Dude.
My family's a little intense.
Just the family business doesn't
really feel right anymore.
Oh bro, like if you thinks
they're gonna react badly,
like, trust me, you gotta
rip that bandaid off
sooner than later,
you gotta just.
Really?
Like, like now, soon?
Like yesterday soon.
(upbeat music)
You're beautifully grotesque
You make your mother proud
(Askeroth speaking indistinctly)
You stand out
from the origin
Where are you hiding?
Just so you know,
I do have a fiance,
you know, a very
cool, smart, hot,
physically strong, fiance.
So, you know, I just.
Here it is.
So describe to me earlier
what you were saying
about the 666 dancers.
Well, I mean, you know,
our whole plan for tonight,
you know, I shouldn't have
to tell you the details.
I know you're a church chick.
Hello, red devil cloak.
(Denise laughing)
I saw you kick over the
baphomet statue the other day.
"Jesus loves you."
You saw that?
(Denise laughing)
It was pretty funny.
Look, I might be
a godless heathen,
but I'm interested in a
little bit of demonology,
you know, ancient myths,
the history of religion
and the occult, you
know, creepy shit.
In fact, I'm starting a podcast
and you're on episode three.
What?
I didn't agree to that.
I think I know what you
might have seen tonight.
Have you ever heard the
legend of the dancing devil?
(dramatic music)
Baby there's no need to hide
(upbeat music)
Must be young and young
(upbeat music)
(demon speaking indistinctly)
(upbeat music)
You're so estranged
(dramatic music)
(cellphone beeping)
(dramatic music)
(cellphone beeping)
(dramatic music)
Get off of him.
Get off.
(Samantha crying)
(dramatic music)
Stop, stop.
(glass crunching)
(Kevin groaning)
(dramatic music)
(Kevin coughing)
[Demon] You really did just
smash my head with glass?
[Samantha] Get back.
(Samantha screaming)
[Demon] Come here, you.
[Samantha] Let go of me.
Let me go, in the name of Jesus.
(Samantha screaming)
(demon speaking indistinctly)
(dramatic music)
(Samantha screaming)
In the name of
Jesus, get off of me.
(knife clanking)
[Kevin] Sorry.
Why are you throwing?
Just stab the guy.
I'm sorry, I can't see.
(dramatic music)
You want to see something cool?
(dramatic music)
You don't need 'em.
(Denise speaking in
foreign language)
You know you can
wear your glasses.
(dramatic music)
[Mary] You get off of her.
(dramatic music)
(Kevin groaning)
(upbeat music)
(demon groaning)
[Kevin] Where's he going?
This way.
[Kevin] Should I
stab him some more.
(demon coughing)
Yes.
(Mary panting)
Sam, are you okay?
(dramatic music)
(choir singing in
foreign language)
What is all the
ruckus, can't a guy?
(choir singing in
foreign language)
Let's dance, Sasquatch.
You get away from those
kids, you bastard.
(dramatic music)
"In 1518, the French
city of Strasbourg,
"there was a dancing plague"
"that spread to
hundreds of people"
"who reported to have
danced for months."
"Many suspected its
origins to be Satanic."
Well, duh.
"The demon called Askeroth
"is known for its
mischievousness"
"as it rebels in the pain
and frustration of mortals."
"It intends to assemble
666 demon dancers"
"as a welcoming party
for the antichrist."
The antichrist?
He's here, to start
the end times?
I mean, legend has it.
This episode today is
sponsored by know anything.com.
What are you doing?
Just a quick ad.
They're not really a sponsor,
but gotta fake it
'til you make it.
If you wanna know something,
literally anything.
-We don't have time for ads.
There is a demon out there
and it's possessed
my pastor's daughter.
Can we please get on?
Well, it says here, if
you wanna de possess,
there's a couple options.
"Option one, in order
to depos a person,"
"animal, or object."
Ooh, object.
One can attempt the
following enchantment,
What is it?
I'll do it. - Okay.
"But one must be careful"
"when attempting to
use these enchantments"
"as they can often backfire."
You know what, just gimme this.
Okay.
My phone's been
possessed all night long
and my fiance's
probably freaking out
because he loves me and
he is worried about me.
I'll take the risk.
(upbeat music)
It doesn't really matter
You're gonna do it anyway
(upbeat music)
(door thudding)
Denise.
For all you listeners out there,
a second undercover Christian
has entered the studio,
visibly high.
Everybody shut up.
Here we go.
(Denise speaking in
foreign language)
You shouldn't have
done that Denise.
[Charlie] Whoa.
(Denise gasping)
- It's working. - Crazy.
Oh my God, she's gone.
Wow, I don't know what to
think about anything anymore.
Yeah, peace out Bethany,
your little bitch.
Who's on top now?
I am Denise.
Denise, I need to
tell you something.
I wrote a play, not,
"Trick or Truth."
Shh, something's happening.
(dramatic music)
What the heck?
(dramatic music)
[Charlie] What the
hell just happened?
[Denise] Askeroth, you
let us out of here now.
[Charlie] Out of where?
(dramatic music)
[Joy] So, I checked with
friend about, "The Backslider."
[Charlie] And?
[Joy] And they loved it.
They loved it.
[Joy] They love
how personal it is.
All the crazy family stuff.
You losing your faith,
keeping it a secret.
And spoiler alert, you're
about to get an email from them
because you got
into the program.
Yes.
[Joy] Yay, congrats.
(gentle music)
See, religious
trauma isn't so bad.
Charlie, are you still there?
I'm getting dizzy.
(gentle music)
Did God disrupt the
signal or something?
(gentle music)
Oh, this is not how I
wanted you to find out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's just hitting me.
[Joy] Look, I know
how hard it is
with a family like yours,
I barely talk to mine anymore.
But I hope you'll make the move.
I'm gonna do it.
[Joy] Really?
Yeah, I think so.
I think so.
(gentle music)
You're moving.
Yeah.
New York.
If I can afford it.
And if we're ever released
from this demon-scape,
Why are you talking
to Joy Holland?
Her sister said she's gotten
into like satanic breathing.
Denise, that's just yoga.
(people moaning)
What's that sound?
- Oh. - Oh hallelujah.
Are we at the church?
(Patricia moaning)
[Patricia] Oh my God G.
Money, this is so sinful.
(both moaning)
If this is sinning, then why
does it feel like heaven?
(both moaning)
(gun firing)
(both moaning)
- Oh amen. - Oh my God.
Yeah, the Lord spend
extra time on you
[Patricia] Oh, G. Money.
Yeah, the Lord
worked overtime
That's right.
When he was making you
- No. - Oh amen.
[Garrett] Amen.
Garrett.
(Denise crying)
Garrett.
(Denise crying)
(gentle music)
I'm sorry, Denise.
Obviously Garrett is
the wrong person. - Shut up.
You hurt me just as much as him.
Why aren't you honest with me?
This is bad radio.
(upbeat music)
Oh, sorry guys, studio's full.
Wait, what's with your eyes?
Sorry to intrude.
Wakey, wakey.
Oh shit, it's Bethany.
You think a demon doesn't
know about a demon book?
Oh shit.
Does that window open.
Yes, yes it does.
(Askeroth groaning)
Denise is one step closer,
one step closer to antichrist.
It's been a real
pleasure Askeroth,
but I think you've
overstayed your welcome.
Oh shit.
Looking for something.
(Askeroth speaking indistinctly)
[Shawn] The window is open,
get outta my house please.
You never stood a chance.
Take them now.
(demons growling)
Wait.
Hey, hey Sharon.
Wait, did you break
up with that guy?
Your podcast will
be much more work
than you expect it to
be, and it will fail.
Oh.
(Shawn screaming)
Ow.
Is he coming?
No.
Come on, we gotta
get outta here.
Come on.
(dramatic music)
Keep searching, find
me more to dancers,
and I will prepare the
church for the arrival.
(dramatic music)
(dog barking)
Oh no, my new friends.
It doesn't matter.
You'll make plenty of
new friends in New York.
Denise, I'm sorry.
I should have told you
about the other play.
I already knew that part.
(dog barking)
What?
Yeah, the other day
you weren't home,
I snuck into your room.
What were you doing in my room?
(Denise laughing)
"Try standup."
(Denise laughing)
Hello my name is Charlie.
(Denise laughing)
It doesn't matter.
Okay, I saw your stupid
little play, "The Backslider,"
sitting out on your table.
I never left that play out.
(gentle music)
Okay, so I have boundary issues.
And yeah, I dress up like
mom sometimes, it's normal.
The point is, I saw your play
and I just wanted to figure
out what was going on with you.
You were acting really
weird in church.
I was acting weird?
Whatever.
I read your whole play
and I found out you
didn't exactly have
the highest opinion
of the church anymore.
(gentle music)
I was trying to
figure out what to do,
like how to
reactivate your faith.
And then I was rereading
Tribulation Squad
and got to the Satanic
dance ritual part.
(dramatic music)
Apparently PK Doyle
used to practice witchcraft
before he got saved.
And he thinks that Christians
should be fighting
fire with fire,
especially as we get
closer to the end times,
which I agree with.
Then I was on Reddit and
everybody was kind of saying
that like his book
could do stuff.
(dramatic music)
So I thought I could
possess one of the kids
with a demon for like a second
and then that would
be undeniable proof,
you would never
leave the church.
(dramatic music)
Wait, so all of this is
happening because of you.
Everything is because of you.
I mean, I never,
no, I wasn't trying to
trigger the apocalypse,
I just wanted to like get a
regular demon going, you know.
And then I would talk in Latin
and then I would unpossess it,
but then she kind of just
like ran away with the book.
And then now the pages
are kind of gone.
The only thing which
you convinced me of
is that I have to get
the fuck away from here,
away from you.
We don't even live in
the same reality anymore.
Hello,
did you not just see the
15 possessed dancing demons
waltzing down the driveway?
What more is it gonna
take for you to believe?
I don't care.
I don't care what's real
or not real anymore.
Obviously, something
fucked up is going on.
But you don't have the answers.
You obviously don't,
Denise, look at yourself.
Ever since mom and dad died,
you have just nose dived
into this bullshit.
I have never seen someone so
pumped for global destruction.
So sue me, Charlie,
that I care about the
only family I have left
not going to hell.
God, what happened to you?
Do you not care at
all about the legacy
that our mom and
dad left for us,
and what they spent their
whole lives building?
Do you not give a shit?
No.
They got to live their lives.
I'm happy for them.
They got to do what
they wanted to do.
And I thought that
when they died,
some small silver
lining to that would be
that I got to make
my own choices.
I don't know.
But I can't keep pretending
that this is what I
want to do with my life.
Great, great.
Awesome, that's great, dude.
(Denise screaming)
Are you okay?
Ow, ah.
Forget it.
What the heck is even the point?
Everyone I'm close to
is such a shitty person.
I want this world to end.
I'm going to the church,
I'm gonna sit front row
and watch this world get
exactly what it deserves.
Well, good for you, Denise.
You don't have to figure out
how to live your life anymore.
Hooray.
Have fun living in someone's
closet in New York City.
Oh, I'm gonna have a lot of fun.
Oh, oh, we got the next
Lin-Manuel Miranda,
sitting in a trash can right
here everybody, looky here.
And you know what that salsa
you made the other night,
it wasn't good.
I didn't like it.
Nobody likes fruit in salsa,
Charlie, it's not normal.
(Denise crying)
I'm high.
I forgot.
[Askeroth] Yes, it's gonna
be a night to remember.
(dramatic music)
(sings in foreign language)
(dramatic music)
(sings in foreign language)
(dramatic music)
Samantha?
(dramatic music)
Do you wanna kiss me now?
(dramatic music)
(sings in foreign language)
(dramatic music)
(sings in foreign language)
(dramatic music)
(Charlie speaking
in foreign language)
(sings in foreign language)
(dramatic music)
Charlie, what the hell?
What is this weird voicemail
you left the admissions office?
Threatening them with kids
blood on their graves?
(dramatic music)
Mary?
Charlie, are you okay?
Uh, I guess, I'm alive.
How's it going over there?
Pretty bad,
but I think I might have
figured something out.
(dramatic music)
Hi.
(door thudding)
[Mary] You remember that
picture of you and Denise
and your praise dance robes.
Before she saw it, Bethany
was gonna take us all out.
(Askeroth growling)
I don't know, I think it
might have scared her away.
(dramatic music)
"As it is a demonic dancer,
its greatest weakness
"would be dancing that
glorifies providence."
She was right.
She was right.
(upbeat music)
Stop, please.
Stop the dancing.
Garrett, if you're in there,
I was on my way over
here praying about it,
and God told me you were
never the right guy for me.
And he told me that,
that he had a husband
planned for me
who's much godlier
and much cooler
and would never, ever
in a million years
cheat on me with the
local gun chick, okay.
And me and this cool fiance,
we're gonna usher in
the end times together.
And so I just wanted to
let you know that I hope,
I hope that she shoots your
urethra up your butt hole
with an AK-47 and that
the two of you guys
aren't having a good time
and that you both
get really bad STIs.
Okay, can you tell him that?
Yeah, you got it.
(upbeat music)
It shall not be much longer
until the antichrist arrival.
I wanna be the last one.
You do?
Yeah, 666.
I started this thing and I
wanna be the one to finish it.
Wait.
Ah, maybe we can finally
add him to our collection.
I challenge you to a Sanctum
Chorus Bellum, Askeroth.
Charlie, go home.
A Sanctum Chorus Bellum,
you're challenging me
to a holy dance war?
That's not a thing, right?
No, it's actually most
definitely a thing.
You were right Denise, we
gotta fight fire with fire.
It says here that Askeroth has
to accept any dance challenge
that is issued.
Charlie, you don't even
praise dance anymore.
You don't even, you know.
Well, come on Denise,
me and you against
her, one last time.
Let's do it.
Nope, I'm ready for
this all to end.
It's in God's hands now.
All right, Askeroth, if I win,
you have to release all the
souls that you've captured.
All right, and you have
to release Bethany too.
Yeah well, if I win,
I'll finally get to
claim both your souls
to do whatever I
want with in hell.
(Askeroth laughing)
Well that sucks.
You're on Askeroth.
Okay.
Better make this quick.
In a holy dance war, we
must dance simultaneously.
(dramatic music)
That took a long time.
Geez.
I was gonna try the praise
dance idea, but this works too.
Good job, Youth Group.
Yeah.
Oh.
Wow, Gordon, you were right,
the Sasquatch is real.
It was just inside
of you all along.
Well, no, no, I mean,
I think wearing the costume
plus seeing you kids in danger
really filled me with
some extra adrenaline,
but no, no, no, there's
mounting evidence
that many, many Sasquatch
are still roam the planet
and I'm gonna find them
still, so, no, yeah.
- All right. - Okay.
- All right. - Yep.
(dramatic music)
(hands clapping)
(upbeat music)
(Askeroth growling)
(upbeat music)
[Askeroth] New dance off.
[Pastor] That's my
girl, that's my girl.
(Askeroth growling)
(dramatic music)
(Denise sighing)
(upbeat music)
(Askeroth speaking indistinctly)
(upbeat music)
(Askeroth growling)
(upbeat music)
(Pastor speaking indistinctly)
(upbeat music)
Come on.
(all growling)
Stop.
Stop.
(upbeat music)
Stop.
(upbeat music)
(Denise panting)
(Askeroth growling)
Samantha,
if you can hear me in there,
I just want you to
know that I love you.
You are pathetic.
Only as a friend.
And I'm so sorry that I
misinterpreted things.
Come closer and I'll
tell you what she says.
Mm, mm-mm.
(people speaking indistinctly)
(cellphone beeping)
(all laughing)
What?
We clearly won.
Yeah, this isn't fair.
"This isn't fair."
Shoulda won faster.
(dramatic music)
Well, I guess it's
better late than never
I know you've all
been waiting forever
But the day and time
has finally arrived
And I'm about to
ruin your lives
(upbeat music)
Wait.
Stop.
What year is it?
It's 2023, baby.
The first year of
your seven-year reign.
What, did you say 2023?
Stop.
Wrong.
My reign is not
supposed to begin
for another thousand years,
give or take.
Damn it.
What?
I thought nobody knew
the time or the hour.
Well, I have a general
idea of the calendar year.
That's the whole damn game.
(antichrist growling)
Who summoned me?
Uh, I did.
Over, over here.
Hi there.
And you are?
Denise.
Denise.
And you summoned me to a church?
Yeah.
Didn't wanna wait for old,
to come back, did you?
Well, technically
it was an accident.
Whoopsie.
Yeah, I'm going to need
you to ask me to go.
What?
You have to ask me to go.
You think I have any
power in this situation?
I'm a puppet on a string
in this whole stupid ass plan.
They throw me into a
lake of fire at the end,
it's in the book.
Even getting thrown into a
regular lake is a bad day.
Annoying.
You think I would show up for
that on my own, willingly?
I haven't been able
to make a free choice
in thousands of years,
ever since I left the choir
and decided to ask,
hey, are we sure
this is the right
guy to be following,
I'm pretty sure he is gonna dump
a bunch of water on everybody.
Hello.
So, yeah, anyway,
I'm gonna have to ask you
to ask me, nicely, to go.
Denise, you want this, remember,
it'll be just like,
"Tribulation Squad."
You know what?
Yeah.
Get outta here.
Okay.
(hands clapping)
Thanks.
Bye.
No, Denise, you
stupid ass bitch.
Oh, oh, by the way,
you all won that
little dance compo,
so everything gets
to go back to normal.
Congratulations.
(dramatic music)
Oh no.
(dramatic music)
I don't wanna go back to
hell, it's so repetitive.
(Askeroth growling)
(dramatic music)
(all groaning)
(dramatic music)
[Garrett] You gotta be kidding
us, we're normal again.
[Kevin] I'm sorry.
Where am I?
Cool.
Can't wait to come back for
my old seven-year reign.
(antichrist crying)
(demons growling)
Never do this again.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
(dramatic music)
(antichrist groaning)
Denise, I think you should
probably take a
sabbatical for a while.
And this probably
goes without saying,
but no play tomorrow.
Hey dad, I don't wanna
do Youth Group anymore.
Don't think I need
to explain why.
That's okay, it's
not for everyone.
(footsteps thudding)
[Joy] Wow, that all
sounds very made up.
I wish it was.
Oh, and also, can you
tell the admissions office
that I'm really sorry
about that voicemail.
What voicemail?
Oh, nothing.
And you know what, and you
never even got this ring
sized to fit my fat fingers.
(Denise groaning)
(car engine revving)
I'm proud of you.
Garrett is an asshole.
Also, I'm sorry I wasn't honest
about, you know, everything.
I'm sorry that I
conjured a demon
that almost ended the world.
Yeah, let's try to avoid
that moving forward.
(birds chirping)
And I'm also sorry I said
you're going to hell.
It's okay.
Well, I mean, per the rules,
if you don't have
Jesus in your heart,
technically you
are going to hell.
But I am going to try
to not make your lack
of salvation about me.
I appreciate that.
(birds chirping)
Shh.
They're asleep.
Who's that in the kitchen?
I don't know.
Some guy named Mike.
I caved his head in about
three hours ago with the kids.
Nice.
Yeah, but now he's fine.
Everyone's fine.
Caved a dude's head in, huh?
Thanks for watching the kids.
Oh, don't worry about it.
They're good kids.
Hey, should we?
Yeah, it was an
absolute blood bath.
Same.
I do like your costume though.
Oh, you do?
Thanks.
I'm gonna wear it
when I go stay in the
mountains next weekend.
Oh, you're still
in all that stuff,
even after everything
that happened last night?
Are you kidding?
If your stupid thing is real
then mine definitely is.
(cellphone ringing)
Oh, it's Pastor Bobby.
[Pastor] Hey Charlie,
I got some crazy news.
Hey Pastor, you're on
speaker with Denise.
Hello.
[Pastor] We finally got
that security camera
footage stuff working.
I don't know, maybe when the
antichrist snapped his fingers,
it fixed that too.
Anyway, I was
looking for evidence
of the demons in the parking lot
so I could play it in
the church next week,
and it ain't there.
So then I checked out the
date Donna died and, well.
You know what?
Your parents' funeral may
not be exactly the place
that you should be all
passive aggressive.
I, I was one of the most
loyal freaking members
that some people didn't get.
[Pastor] Horrific accident.
That shofar had just been
slowly sharpened over the years
until it was ready to kill.
That's crazy.
Poor Donna.
Thanks for letting
us know, Pastor.
But yeah, if there's a
silver lining to this,
the church was never
really cursed at all.
Well, that's wonderful news.
Thanks Pastor, bye.
Yeah, I don't buy it.
Yeah, not a chance.
Well, I'm gonna go tell
the guy in the kitchen
that he can go home.
Oh, and you can
keep the 150 bucks.
(Denise laughing)
I was never gonna
give it to him anyway.
Nope.
I really do hope you
succeed in New York,
even though the chances
of that happening
are pretty much slim to none.
Thanks, Denise.
That's almost nice.
I'm just kidding.
You're gonna be great.
I do have just a couple notes
about, "The Backslider."
Just wanted to talk to you.
(gentle music)
All right, let's hear 'em.
Okay.
So, your portrayal of
me was kind of off.
Like when I speak in
tongues, I'm like.
(Denise speaking in
foreign language)
And you were saying like.
(Denise speaking in
foreign language)
I mean you say both of those
things interchangeably,
I feel like.
Okay, but it's just
like, I don't know,
like who are you
gonna get to play me?
I don't know.
We haven't gotten that far yet.
I don't know if
this is possible,
but if there's like, like
a female Kirk Cameron.
A female Kirk Cameron?
I guess it like, I guess.
(Denise speaking indistinctly)
Okay.
But I don't know.
(gentle music)
Yeah, been a pretty
weird night for me too.
Don't really remember
much, honestly.
I got a raging headache.
(dramatic music)
Sick.
Look at all this Latin.
You and your friends
would get such a kick
outta these random ass
devil pages I just found.
You wanna have a serious
conversation about what?
Hold on.
Listen to this.
(Mike speaking in
foreign language)
(dramatic music)
(Mike speaking in
foreign language)
(dramatic music)
(shoes screeching)
(upbeat music)
(choir vocalizing)
(upbeat music)
(choir vocalizing)
(upbeat music)
Amen
(upbeat music)
Take it back
(upbeat music)
From before
The words you spoke
(upbeat music)
Now they're coming through
It doesn't really matter
What I say
(upbeat music)
It doesn't really matter
You're gonna do it anyway
(upbeat music)
My friend lost a heart
Lost his mind
(upbeat music)
Dealing with love
So would I
I've built these walls
To keep you out
But I just might
break a center
Oh
It doesn't really matter
What I say
It doesn't really matter
You're gonna do it anyway
Yeah, it doesn't
really matter
What I think
It doesn't really matter
You're gonna do it anyway
(upbeat music)
You're gonna do it anyway
(upbeat music)
I had dreams when you
walked out the door
But I never let
you slip away
(upbeat music)
And I curse every
moment I have
I couldn't make
someone else to say
It doesn't really matter
(upbeat music)
It doesn't really matter
(upbeat music)
Yeah, yeah
Oh it doesn't really matter
What I think
It doesn't really matter
You're gonna do it anyway
(upbeat music)
You're gonna do it anyway
You're gonna do it anyway
Lord, you are the smartest
(gentle music)
You made everything
I've ever seen
(gentle music)
Though the world
is dark and scary
Your light shines on through
I hate to think of who I'd
be if I didn't have you
(gentle music)
Oh yeah
Thank God we've got God
(gentle music)
Oh yeah
Thank God we've got God
(gentle music)
Mm, mm
Thank God we've got God
(gentle music)
Oh Lord, I praise you
that I can praise you
Lord I am your servant
(gentle music)
Your wish is my command
(gentle music)
Other people
worship false gods
I'm glad my parents
knew the real one
So glad we could meet
(gentle music)