Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996) Movie Script
Ah! You're here.
Hello. Welcome.
I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester,
and soon you will all bow down before me.
What you're about to see is
an experiment,
and, by observing,
you have become part of that experiment.
For I have shot a man into space
and I'm driving him crazy
by forcing him to watch
the worst movies ever made.
Oh, sure, we all have thought about it,
but I had the guts to do it!
This is my test subject:
Mike Nelson.
A disgustingly
mild-mannered dope
who has managed to survive
every film I subjected him to.
But perhaps this movie will drive him
to the breaking point and crush his soul,
and then I'll unleash it
on an unwitting public,
and then I will rule the world!
Yes!
I'm a naughty boy!
Naughty, naughty, naughty,
naugh... ty.
Well,
you will join Mike
in watching the Universal classic
This Island Earth
Now, prepare yourselves
for my maddest madness yet!
Now poopie.
Mystery Science Theater 3000
The Movie
Morning, Mike!
Morning, Gypsy!
Whaddaya got for me?
Oxygen-nitrogen mix is within
required standards,
we're currently in low orbit
over Southern Madagascar,
and that wonderful smell
is a lamb roast I have in the oven.
- And sweet yams?
- Affirmative!
Oh, and I compiled today's
wire service reports.
Here's a hard copy.
The Cubs lost again.
Oh! Why, hello Mike!
Everything workin' fine on the
ol' Satellite of Love today, hmm?
No dangerous problems or
horrible mishaps in sight?
No, Tom,
everything appears nominal.
Ah, nominal,
good, good.
So I guess that means
you're not worried about
what that rythmic pounding might be.
- Yeah, what is that?
- Yeah, what is that, hmm?
I'm a highly sophisticated robot,
Mike, and I'm telling you:
This is not something
you should be hearing!
Something's causing this, Mike!
Hm, now let's think.
I'm here, you're here,
Gypsy's here...
- Ok, Tom, where's Crow?
- Where's Crow?
Uh, I'm not supposed to say anything,
but I did see that litle moron headed towards
the basement with a pickaxe in his hand.
Gypsy!
Go to condition yellow!
- We gotta stop him!
- Roger!
It's a loooong way
to Tipperary,
to the sweetest girl I know!
Goodbye to Noah Berry!
Hello Harold Lloooooyd!
- Crow?
- Huh?
Crow, listen,
you've gotta stop!
Oh! Hi Mike!
I've found the perfect spot!
Once I break through this wall,
we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth!
Crow, you big dope!
You can't tunnel through space!
Come, come, boys, we must
confound Jerry at every turn!
Crow, no!
You'll breach the hull!
HULL
BREACH
I didn't expect this!
Gaining maximum R.P.M.
Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters!
Stabilize!
There! That should do it.
Wow, this is confusing!
Mike!
You wanna hand me me my calculations?
Thank you.
Well, look at that.
"Breach hull; all die."
Even had it underlined.
I don't wanna die!
Oh! Mommy! Mommy!
I love you, Mike!
- Atta boy, Servo!
- I won't do that again!
Hey! I'm experiencing a sensation
altogether new to me!
And frankly, I love it!
Now, Crow, I told you:
No more escape attempts.
Believe me, Mike,
I calculated the odds of this succeeding
versus against the odds
I was doing something incredibly stupid
and I went ahead anyway.
There you go.
Aw, darn!
It's time!
Dr. F. is calling for you.
Ah, Mike.
Robots.
I'm feeling particularly evil
because today's experiment
is a stinky cinematic
suppository called
This Island Earth
You may just all bow down before me
after this stinkburger.
Say, come to think about it,
I don't believe you've
bowed down before me recently.
Uh, sure we have,
last week.
No, no, no! I think that was
more of a curtsey than a bow.
So why don't we all
just bow down... now.
I don't see a reason
to make us...
Bowing, sir!
...I bow before you, sir...
Okay, Dr. Forrester.
Jees!
What a dickweed!
Well, now that
we've had our little fun,
prepare yourself for...
uh...
But, before I start
the experiment... uh...
Did you,
you know, go?
Yes.
Because I don't wanna
have to stop the movie for...
- You know.
- You won't.
Then, prepare yourselves for...
This Island Earth
We've got Movie Sign!
Ah, it's the nicest weather
Earth has ever had!
Notice how big Japan is?
Space, the final frontier.
These are the voyages of
Babylon 5.
Doesn't the fact that it's universal
make it international?
This island earth can be yours
if the price is right!
Hey, who sneezed on the credits?
Okay, let's see here.
Shatner? Shatner?
Nope! Doesn't look like
he's in this one, we're safe!
I feel so insignificant.
Of course,
I always feel insignificant!
The light from this credits originated
well over 7.000 years ago.
Boy, the universe
is really cruising.
Look, there's Taurus,
the bull!
And right underneath him
the constellation Feces.
Oh, look!
Orion is bankrupt.
So, these are images
from the Hubble?
When in California,
be sure to visit beautiful... oh...
It's a long par 5 leading
to the nation's capital.
Who'd build so far back
on the lot?
Washingtonland,
the new Disney theme park!
One more. Just one more,
please, Dr. Meacham.
Hold it, please.
A little closer to the wing, sir.
Watch your lips!
A little more profile,
Dr. Meacham.
He wants to get that
faraway, visionary look.
Cal, we know how
tired you must be.
- We'll make it as short as possible.
- Fire away, gentlemen,
I warn you, I am beginning
to feel faraway and visionary.
How about your conference with
the committee on atomic power?
Not my conference. Twenty engineers
and scientists were there.
Twenty? Hardly a routine meeting,
would you say?
Yeah, and look, Cal:
we won't buy the committee's
getting you VIPs together
for a cocktail party.
All right, boys,
I'll tell you this much.
You boys like to call this
"the push-button age."
It isn't. Not yet.
Not until we can team up
atomic energy with electronics.
Then we'll have the horses
as well as the cart.
How long has the army
been handing out jets, doctor?
Yeah!
One of the boys at Lockheed
handed me this one.
I hope you taxpayers don't mind.
We do!
Cal, when do we get
to this "push-button age"?
When fellows like me stop talking
about it and get back to our labs.
See you gentlemen later.
- Goodbye!
- So long!
Kiss me goodbye?
Cal, are you working on anything
along the lines you mentioned?
- Roughly.
- Well, remember me, will you?
I'm the wormy guy.
I'm concentrating on the
reconversion of certain
common elements into nuclear
energy sources.
- Huh? How's that again?
- What counts is how I make it work.
I see.
Good flight, Cal.
- Thank you.
- So long.
- Dickweed.
- Jack-off.
Other people need to
use this ladder, you know?
My wife has the seat so close,
how can she drive like this?
Those decals are really hard
to put on without ripping.
John Sununu goes
for a haircut.
Fortunately, he has
his theme music on eight-track.
Hey! You can see
the Cubs losing!
Geez, there's soccer teams
lying all over the place!
Oh, for crying out...
when are they gonna fill that in?
Hey, his legs are sticking out!
Ricola!
I'm so lost!
Keanu Reeves in
My Own Private Airfield.
Hello, can I see your pass,
sir... ah... whatever.
Putting the men's room in the tower,
what was I thinking?
2XD341, calling
Ryberg Control tower. Come in.
2XD341, this is Ryberg
Control tower. Go ahead.
O.K. to come in, Webb?
Are you decent?
All clear, Cal. Drift south
about 20 miles per hour.
Hi, Webb.
what's Cal's ETA?
- 1410, but he's late
- Half an hour late.
That's my boss.
The only guy in the world
who can travel by jet and still be late.
Duh, I made a funny,
heh heh.
- Where are you?
- Look out the window.
Look out,
President Clinton!
Maverick!
Could I love him more?
Ah damn, I spilled my
Big Gulp.
Should we be seeing this?
Nothing! Nothing!
Cal, what's wrong?
I have no control.
I keep eating and eating!
Cut loose, Cal! Bail out!
I can't. I'm too low.
I've got the blues so bad,
uh huh.
Jerking around must have caused a flameout.
No power.
No nothing!
No Tickee!
No Shirtee!
Green Acres!
Well, suddenly I have
a refreshing mint flavor.
Early LSD tests in the
Air Force.
This is a job for
Weenie-man!
Eat at Joe's. Eat at Joe's.
Eat at Joe's.
Wow, they're ringing!
Now he knows what the world sounds
like to Pete Townshend.
Into the Weenie-mobile.
Weenie-man away!
I'd like to thank me
for flying me Airways.
- Uh, there's a green switch.
It was there all the time! - D'oh!
G.I. Joe action-set.
Nerdy Joe not included.
- Cal, you okay?
- Okay.
What happened?
How'd you bring it in?
- I didn't. Couldn't.
- I died.
- What do you mean you didn't?
- Controls went out.
- Huh?
- That's right. No controls, no power.
The plane died up there.
- I should be dead.
- Did you bring me a toy?
Cal, I know everybody's
seeing flying saucers
and screwy
lights up in the sky.
Well, you can put me
in the booby hatch too,
because, so help me, I saw this ship
turn a bright green up there.
- Are you sure, Joe?
- Positive.
- Did you hear anything?
- Yes.
A high-frequency howl, very high,
all the time your ship was
- Green?
- Green?
- Did Webb see it?
- Unless he's blind.
- Check him.
- Right.
Oh, and, Joe,
until we find out what happened,
all three of us were blind.
I'll go pop Webb's eyes out.
So, was being green fun?
- Okay, I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
- I was just wondering, I mean...
- I've always wanted to...
- No. Shut up.
- How's the little giant? - Growing up.
Getting ready to astound the world.
Let's take a look.
I figured that.
She's all ready and waiting.
Wow, that's one hell of a
View-Master.
Oh yeah, this is when science
didn't have to have any specific purpose.
Lowering the cylinder.
Inserting the
breakfast pastry.
The secret government Eggo project.
Contact Dr. Jemima.
I love the blueberrie ones best.
- Increase the rate of reaction.
- Start warming the syrup.
Yum.
Check rate of
radioactive decay.
Increase the Flash Gordon noise
and put more science stuff around.
Positive. Same it was
the whole week you were away.
- What did the committee say?
- Oh, they were a little excited.
A little!
Oh my god, my waffle!
Oh, the humanity!
Fries are up!
Oh no,
you're flooding it!
Zero reading.
- The X-C condenser must have shorted
out again. - Get the spare.
- Burned out yesterday!
- Oh, we can't have nice things!
Our liquorice ice cream cones melted!
And don't ask me why I didn't
order some new ones. I did.
X-C condensers in an envelope?
Must be a gag dreamed up
by the receiving department.
I ordered two X-C condensers,
and supreme equipment sent me these beads.
He touched me!
You say they're a gag,
but they're condensers.
I checked one for capacity
and voltage on the meter.
- And blew it to bits.
- Yeah,
After it held to 33.000 volts
and no leakage.
Where's my gun?
If that were true,
we could build a generator,
One that would supply electric power
to run an entire factory.
Sort this, deliver that.
I'll make 'em all pay!
Ah, the script has
finally arrived!
- Morning. - Morning.
- Sign here.
Wilt Chamberlain.
- I don't like you.
- Thank you.
Oh, my Niels Bohr swimsuit
calendar has arrived!
- What have you got?
- I don't know! There's no return address.
Oh, I hope
it's my lederhosen.
How do they get blow up
one day in here.
"Electronics service,
Unit no. 16."
Give to daddy.
Well, I'll read this
on the crapper.
"A catherimine tube with
an endiom complex of +4."
- What are they talking about?
- I don't know, but this outfit has them.
This isn't paper.
It's some kind of metal.
No sir, that's paper.
"Interocitor incorporating
planetary generator."
"Interocitor with volterator...
with astroscope."
Hey, Ms. Interocitor.
- Here's something my wife could
use in the house: - A man?
"An interocitor incorporating
an electron sorter."
Although she'd probably gain 20 pounds
while it did all the work for her.
Cal, you bitch!
According to this, there's
no limit to what it can do.
Laying a four-lane highway at a mile
a minute would be a cinch.
Cal, maybe we've
been working too hard.
"Complete line of
interocitor parts...
incorporating greater advances than
hitherto known in the field of electronics."
- Look, there's Waldo!
- What exactly is an interocitor?
I don't know,
and I don't want to know.
- Just love me!
- Well, I do.
I want to know what it is
and what it does.
And if I can break it.
- Order the list of parts on these pages.
- How we gonna build it?
These symbols they're like
a foreign language.
And I'm hungry!
Anyway, we don't know the address.
You ordered the condensers
from supreme by teletype.
Yeah.
Which means that somebody intercepted
that order and sent us those beads.
Here, try it again.
You're too darn smart.
And handsome!
I may be the dumbest man who
ever walked this Earth, Joe.
No argument here.
Ah, been ordering from the
Adam and Eve collection again, hmm.
Joe, I'm one of these boxes.
Find me!
Here's the invoice.
No charge and no address.
Listen to this: "No interocitor part
can be replaced.
Bear this in mind
while assembling."
Use only genuine interocitor parts.
Well, let's
start unpacking.
Cal, are you gonna work
naked again?
There, it's done.
What do you think?
But before unpacking...
D'oh!
There's 2,486 parts.
2845, sir.
Each part is cross-indexed
into a symbol pattern.
Shouldn't be too hard at all.
Sure. A snap, maestro.
Only, uh, where do we start?
Right here.
At goofy clown face.
Industry, science and
technology!
Big men putting
screwdrivers into things...
turning them, and adjusting them!
Build your own
atom storage box!
Bringing you state-of-the-art
in soft serve technology!
Pulls off caps of any size jug,
bottle, or jar!
And it really,
really works.
You know what
my kids would say:
- You're not my real father!
- "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing."
Plug it in, Joe.
We'll see what happens.
He doesn't even have kids.
Poor, deluded Joe.
Oh, please, say we can get the Sci-Fi
channel. Please, oh please, oh please...
Look at this. Uh.
Comes with a Garth Brooks CD.
- Now what do I do?
- Clear your screen, please.
Okaay, Dr. Goofy!
You... can hear me?
- Of course.
- Duh.
Use the intensifier disk,
the one in your hand.
Any time, Einstein!
Place it in position
on your right.
Now, throw it at
Joe really hard!
This... tss... uh...
thing... goes on the what's-this here.
Now turn the control
18 degrees to the left.
17. One more. Wait, back.
Oh! Well, that works too.
It's the amazing Technicolor
cheese wedge!
Nanoo nanoo!
You have successfully accomplished
your task, Dr. Meacham.
You've assembled an interocitor,
a feat of which few men are capable.
- Who are you?
- I'm called Exeter.
Doug Exeter.
I'm a scientist, like yourself.
Shall we say a... a colleague.
My colleagues don't materialize out of
strange machines. They're flesh and blood.
And so am I, Dr. Meacham,
as I hope you'll soon find out.
- Grrr. Grrr. - ...although I admit
at the moment, I do appear immaterial.
But no matter.
I represent a group which is seeking
scientists of exceptional ability.
Do you know any?
All prospects must pass an aptitude test,
which you've just done.
- Damn... where do I control... damn, jees.
- ...only I don't remember applying for any job.
You didn't
I beg your pardon, Mr. Wilson.
Your camera will pick up
nothing but black fog.
Oh, it's a Goldstar!
Images on the interocitor
don't register on film.
- Put it away, Joe.
- Go lie down.
To continue,
Dr. Meacham,
We test out people without their knowledge.
We leave nothing to chance.
Except the chance that I'm
not interested in you or your group.
Come, come, doctor. It's not possible
that a man of your scientific curiosity...
wouldn't want to find out
who I am, where I come from,
If I have pants on.
Wouldn't give his right arm for more
examples of our superior technical knowledge.
I think I can assume, Dr. Meacham,
that you're sufficiently...
intrigued to come to an immediate decision.
We'd like you to join our... team,
as you might say, at once.
You'll make arrangements
to leave immediately.
Wait a moment.
I didn't say
At 5:00 Wednesday morning, our plane
will land at your field.
It will wait exactly
five minutes and then depart.
Whether I'm aboard or not?
Nanoo.
Hi there.
Place the catalog on
that table with the blueprints.
Open it to the
underwear section. Yes!
Alright, I'll do it,
you big-headed freak.
Is this metal?
I got a bet with Joe.
Now stand aside, please.
You too, Mr. Wilson.
No, farther towards the
Kill Zone, please.
Yeah. God, I'm good.
Dear God, I left
the iron plugged in!
Come here, you big
dumb dope.
Quick! Get the
baking soda!
Well, Cal, there's nothing
left for you to break!
Boy, the landlady's
gonna be mad!
- Are you boys cooking up there?
- No!
- Are you making an interocitor?
- No!
- You okay?
- Okay.
- Within reason.
- If there is any reason around here.
What with all the shenanigans and
goings-on.
Now that you have exploded,
any words for our listeners?
There's no reading now.
- Cal.
- Yes, Joe?
I just like saying "Cal."
- Whoever that Exeter is, i don't like him.
- Don't you, Joe?
- That's 'cause you're a puss.
- What? What?
Hey!
He was right about one thing.
I look good on a beret.
I'm gonna be on that plane.
Oh, hey wait,
what's that! Alright.
- Let's get out of here!
- This will take a while.
Ah! Minor film break.
Happens all the time.
I know exactly
what to do.
My plan for breaking Mike's will, by making him
watch this horrible movie, continues as planned.
I should be ruling the world by, uh,
6:00, 6:30 at the latest...
That Cal fella, what a maroon!
Who'd be stupid enough to give him
a laboratory or let him fly a jet?
- I like Joe.
- Yeah, and if it were me flying that baby,
and I had a low altitude
flameout like that,
I'd just reduce my elevators, dip the nose
and fire up the engines.
- You don't know how to fly!
- Sure I do!
I'm fully instrument-rated for
Microsoft Flight Simulator.
- Well then you fly the Satellite of Love?
- Yeah.
What, this thing?
No, I can't do that, see,
'cause...
It's not the same, there's no air foil so
there's no ability to turn when you're up in the...
All right, all right. Fine, you two.
Spread out, spread out.
What do ya do with a drunken sailor,
early in the morning! Hay-ho and up she
Okay out baby, out.
Well don't come crying to me
when you get us all killed!
Yeah, right.
Let's see here.
Hey, this is going to be
easier then I thought.
- Help!
- Hey Mike, you hit something!
It's the hubble!
You killed the hubble!
- Gypsy, could you please get that
- Uh huh. No way!
This is you're dishwashing liquid!
You soak in it!
Ah! Ah! The manipulator arm!
The manipulator arm!
- Carefully... carefully... wait...
- That's it! That's it!
- It's only 6 billion dollars. Remember.
- Hope you're insured, Mike!
It's only the most expensive
satellite ever built.
Near. Very fragile.
No, wait. Very fragile.
Better leave a note
on the windshield, Mike.
Back up, and slow again.
Wait. Don't.
Don't do that!
Sorry. It's...
Now, I'm just gonna release it gently,
like a sparrow into the night sky.
Good night, sweet Hubble.
And a flight of angels
sing thou to thy rest.
Oh, good one, Mike.
But, how could it do that?
It couldn't possibly...
Oh, great, and now
we have Movie Sign.
Go on. I'll take care of this.
- Mike broke the hubble!
- Boys.
Mike broke the hubble!
Put me on intermittent, Joe.
- Cal, won't you reconsider?
- I did... all night.
Didn't you hear me?
And, as a committee of one, I
came to a series of decisions...
at exactly
the fifth cup of coffee.
I had to pee.
One: Whatever scientific knowledge
this Exeter character has,
should be
in our textbooks.
Two: Joe Wilson,
my able assistant,
knows enough about a certain experiment
to carry on without me for awhile.
I'm not sure of that, Cal.
Look, Joe, my committee decided
I'm expendable.
- Nothing you can say will change that.
- You always were an obstinate
Oh, well,
I'm not worried.
Not even a moth equipped with a lightning bug
could fly in here this morning.
So no plane is
You know, all the problems of a
hunky guy and a wormy sidekick...
...don't amount to a hill of beans
in this crazy world.
Hey, it's a moth equipped
with a lightning bug!
- Let go of my hand, Joe.
- He made it!
Well, I don't like long goodbyes.
There's a letter for you on the end table.
Joe? Joe? Watch out
for the prop, Joe...
I'll understand if you
assist other scientist, Joe...
Scram, Lumpy.
Hello, Mr. Magic plane passengers.
Hello, it's outside... hello?
Ironically, they
overbooked the flight.
How about rustling me up
a drink, sweet cheeks? Hello?
I'm your pilot, Claude Rains;
your co-pilot, Harvey the Rabbit...
Can I... get a pair of those little wings?
I've been a good junior pilot. Hello?
No pilot.
He must be having
a rum and coke somewhere.
No windows.
Cal, you'll really
be flying blind.
Please be seated, Dr. Meacham.
And welcome aboard.
You are being kidnapped
by The Light FM.
Ugh, what are you doing?
You're sitting on me!
A seat belt is not
required, doctor.
You commie.
Please clear the stairs.
That means you, Wormy.
- Thank you.
So long, Joe.
I'll be dropping you a card.
Cal, get off right away! This whole thing
smells to high heaven!
Cal, I'm beggin' you.
Don't go!
Cal! Cal!
I'm stuck!
Your in-flight movie is:
Fearless.
There goes a stupid,
stupid man.
I'm gonna curl up in his
sock drawer, and sleep for days.
There's probably some kid with a big forehead,
kicking the back of the seat right now.
Oh, Tammy, lower!
Yeah, that's right!
Shh, shh. We're in a whole lot of trouble.
Get your parachute on. Should I wake him?
Ah, football practice... uh...
Good morning,
Dr. Meacham.
Good morning, boys!
Hope you slept well.
'Cause it's time to die.
They're forcing him to visit
Branson, Missouri.
Cal, honey, put your shoes on.
We're at grandma's.
Hello! Where can I
empty my hat?
He's flown into
a Flemish painting
I claim this land for Spain!
So, the aliens live
in Hooterville?
Ah, there are too Woodies
in this scene.
- Where am I?
- Georgia.
I kind of expected
Neptune or Mars.
Or Neptune...
Exeter asked me to greet you.
I'm Dr. Ruth Adams.
Ruth Adams! But this is wonderful.
I never expected
This.
Ruth, I'm Cal Meacham.
Hello, is it anybody home?
Dr. Meacham,
of course.
Four or five years ago, conference on...
thermal problems
in nuclear reactors.
- Boston, wasn't it?
- Vermont!
We were lecturing to a symposium
of graduate students.
Summer, three years ago.
After classes,
we'd go swimming in a
little river near the school.
You were an awful sissy
about that icy water.
Shrinky Dink,
remember?
Now, Ruth, don't tell me
you've forgotten.
Come on, dummy!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Dr. Meacham, all I can say
is I'm deeply flattered...
and maybe a little envious of
the girl you've mistaken me for.
And now I think Exeter
is waiting to greet you.
She wants me.
Alright, see if this jogs
your memory.
Bad dog.
We did it, and
you know it.
Mike, can I have a car
like that?
You can't drive.
I can drive. I'm an excellent driver.
I'm not wearing my underwear.
Oh, there's gonna be a
Mary Kay convention going on too,
so it's gonna be kind of weird.
The elevators down to
Exeter's slave quarters.
Our laboratories.
That's not funny, Ruth.
I was a slave.
Our living room, social center,
library.
Mosh pits.
This is Exeter's office and study.
Not exactly what you
expected, Dr. Meacham, is it?
- Good morning, doctor.
- Good morning, doctors.
Reverend Moon.
Ms. Hathaway.
Just throw these coats on
Exeter's bed.
Heil Hitler!
- Guten morgen, Doktor.
- Guten morgen, Herr Doktor.
Engelberg, from Munich. The doctor's
out for his morning constitutional.
He's been here a week, but
his English and my German
Eeh, Charlie Rich!
He goes through
a lot of Brylcreem.
Don't mention his head.
Who's that one?
That's Brack, one of
Exeter's assistants.
But you'll find them all
very helpful.
What language
do they speak?
Anything you wish:
English, Hindustani, Congoese...
- Kokokupikekeke...
- Anything.
- Dr. Meacham. Good morning.
- Good morning.
Please come in,
both of you.
Glad you could join us here
at the Buddy Ebsen Society
- Sit down.
- Dr. Adams!
Oh, yes, Steve!
What's this
'and the rest' crap?
About that
nuclear decay factor, Ruth,
I'm afraid my equation
just doesn't seem to work.
I was hoping you could find time
to go over it with me later.
I still think the
basic principle is all right.
Maybe we can trust
Yes, well,
thank you, Dr. Adams.
Oh, there you are,
Dr. Adams.
I was just reminding
Dr. Meacham...
that I'd promised to produce some
of his colleagues in the flesh.
May I use you
as exhibit A?
I'm afraid Dr. Meacham
isn't too happy with me.
At the airport, he was
sure we were old friends.
Obviously, I was wrong.
The lady hardly remembers me.
- What is more important is
- Who we are, what we're doing here.
Why I have a picture
of a burger on the wall.
Dr. Meacham...
We're not hiring.
I represent a group of scientists who
work with but one purpose:
To put an end to war.
Naturally, such a goal can't be attained
without experts of superior ability:
- Men of vision...
- Jesus, what a head...
...gathered here, exchanging
information daily...
Oh, that smell?
Oh, wow.
We hope to achieve
exciting new techniques,
Leap years ahead of the others.
- I don't think I need tell you how effective our voices...
- Ah, terrible...
...will be when the world learns
of our achievements.
- Well, there you have it.
- I'll let her open her.
- Nothing new, perhaps, but then, what is?
- Your head?
However, let me assure you, doctor,
that we are dedicated men and women,
and as such,
we can accomplish wonders.
- Well...
- Into the hot tub?
What do you
think of us?
This all sounds great,
Mr. Exeter...
- ...but why me?
- We like your skull.
- Dr. Meacham...
- How.
...we happen to know
that you're on the threshold...
of discovering limitless amounts
of free nuclear energy,
More specifically, the
conversion of lead into uranium.
Dr. Adams here has been working
along the same lines as you have,
perhaps just
a step behind you,
although I might add
that both of you are
way ahead of anyone
else in your field.
Be careful. Exeter will
flatter you to death.
The truth is never flattering,
Dr. Adams.
You fine foxy lady.
Now suppose you relax
and think it over.
Suppose when I do, I find
I can't go along with you?
Could we still
go out sometime?
Naturally, we'll expect you to be
discreet about what you've seen here.
Otherwise, you're free to leave,
Dr. Meacham. As free as air.
Hey, Kreskin,
quit hoggin' the bottle!
Hey, Mao, try this!
It'll knock your socks off!
There you go,
Mr. B.
So that's squirrel pudding,
hmm.
Hey, the professor's crying!
She's drunk again!
Whatever.
What do you think
of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
I'm afraid I don't
know the chap.
I'm not an alien!
My mind must have been wandering.
Your composer, of course.
Our composer?
He belongs to the world.
Yes, indeed.
I'm not an alien.
The dinner, Exeter, was even
more perfect than you promised.
Now if you'll excuse me, I could
do with some fresh air myself.
He's gonna get high.
Would you care to join me,
Dr. Adams?
Uh. No?
You, Dr. Carlson?
It's your turn to
walk the Cal.
Why don't you?
Show him the grounds.
I dare you!
We won't start cracking the whip
on Meacham until tomorrow.
Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat
and lay my eggs in your chest.
But I'm not an alien!
Don't leave me with the Germans!
They didn't eat their fruit cups!
- That's quite a group Exeter
has collected. - Quite.
That's Dr. Hu Lin Tang.
I love Tang!
Tang's field is tritanium,
the same as Dr. Engelberg.
Dr. Marie Pitchner, U-235.
Dr. Blorfield, plutonium.
Whoop dee shit.
Hmm, that puts all of us in the
production of nuclear energy,
doesn't it, Carlson?
What are you
getting at, Meacham?
Why no biochemists, electronic experts,
mechanical engineers...
People equipped to make practical application
of the energy the rest of us produce?
I seem to remember that
was part of Exeter's pitch.
We try to make it a rule around here, Doctor,
not to discuss our work after hours.
Now how about that fresh air?
How about you and Dr. Adams
showing me my laboratory instead?
How about you lick me?
After all I've heard today,
I can hardly wait...
to add my little
contribution to the good work.
This way, doctor.
- I call dibs on Ruth.
- Dibs. - Dibs! - D'oh!
Not much of a laboratory...
...oh, it's the elevator. I see, I get it.
Now, does this clip
need any set up?
- It may be true...
- You may kiss the scientist...
- ...but are you sure?
- We're 30 miles from nowhere.
Steve and I know. We've tried.
And if we did get out,
who'd believe all this?
Ugh, hair ball...
I don't blame you doctors for being excited
about working for Exeter.
It's a rare privilege.
He's a rare man.
Our little Neutron gave us away.
He felt the impulses.
That cat. I could
Put Neutron under
the thought transformer?
Why not, Brack? And perhaps
you'd like me to step in with him.
Smush my big white
alien forehead.
Turn it off, Brack.
Our friends won't be giving us
any more information tonight.
I'll put you in the
bitch transformer...
Here's a sketch of the interocitor.
I also have rough notes
on its working controls.
It's guesswork mostly
but better than nothing.
Not much...
And these are portraits
of Exeter and Brack.
Do you notice the peculiar
indentations in both their foreheads?
Nooo!
This is the one we're really proud of, Cal.
We discovered this a week ago
two miles south of here.
The side of this hill has been hollowed out,
and here's an acre of canvas
covering the excavation.
You tell me what's in there.
Uh, pudding?
Steve wanted to go back and
find out what was inside, but...
I guess I got
cold feet.
Just like Vermont.
Still a sissy.
God, I hate you.
They're fine, Steve.
When we get out of here,
I'll have them framed at my own expense.
If we get out.
Ah, you sissy. Sissy cat,
I can take you too, you puss!
He's just hungry.
No, please! I can't
digest milk!
Good-bye, Neutron.
I've got some big foreheaded
sissy butt to kick.
Mr. and Mrs. Howell's hut
is really nice.
Yeah, let's slip away
undercover of afternoon
in the biggest car in the county.
Good. You will keep in contact
until moment of departure.
Then remove all evidence
of installation. That is all.
And don't forget
to punch out.
I ought to hit you.
Take over.
And don't screw it up.
Jerk.
Now, it's time for The Brak Show.
It's The Brak Show,
starring me I'm Brak.
It's The Brak Show and
I've got lots of great guests.
Meanwhile, Ness and his men
speed toward Capone's hideout!
So, Professor, you made this
entirely out of bamboo, huh?
Eat my photons,
smallheads!
Why are they all
sitting in front?
We're sitting ducks in this thing.
If we're gonna make the airport,
we'll have to do it on foot.
When I stop, we'll pile out.
Take cover fast.
Sounds like a really crappy plan,
but okay!
Suckers!
Steve! Steve!
I'm a little busy!
I regret nothing!
Uh, yes,
very nice, yes!
Oh, I have
tubes in my ears!
And his coffin will be made
entirely of coconuts, thank you.
We'll try and make
the airport. Let's go.
Well, they dried
off quickly.
Heh hey,
watch the hand, Cal!
Regis and Kathy Lee are
The Fugitive.
- Is it flyable?
- It should be.
Exeter keeps it
here for the staff.
She's hard on a
cocktail dress.
My other plane
is a jet, you know?
What do you think
about that?
That's what happens when
you leave a potato in a microwave!
Yeah, I'm beginning to think
they're not from around here.
I bet you they're
English, or Canadian.
They're pulling us up!
I just know they're
gonna probe my anus.
Captain, the Klingons have us
in their tractor beam!
They got sucked up
into a Jiffy Lube.
So, this is Denver's
new airport.
Yes, things are going
exactly as planned.
If I don't miss my guess,
I think this has something to do
with those white-haired fellows.
Ah, thank you, Thing.
So, they worship
the Everlasting Gobstopper?
You know, those helmets don't really
hide their foreheads that well.
Two for Dinner?
Good.
Remain here.
Dad, your friends
are here!
Our two passengers are
very sensitive to heat.
The passengers are here.
So why they put the toilet
in the middle of the room?
Allow me
to welcome you.
Welcome.
I'm sorry that our visit below had
to be terminated so dramatically,
but time allowed
for nothing else.
I can assure you
we mean you no harm.
Like Steve Carlson and Engelborg?
Like the others in that house?
- What happened was beyond my control.
- What happened was mass murder.
We're not all masters of our souls, Meacham.
That's a nice little phrase
coming from you.
I learned it
on Earth.
That's 1 for Exeter. Ouch!
The two of you are
beginning a strange journey...
Mawwige!
a journey that no Earth people
have ever undertaken before.
Whether you consider me a devil
or a saint is unimportant.
Devil.
What is important is that you're here,
on this spaceship.
Suppose then, for the
time being, we call a truce.
As scientists
at least, Meacham.
Isn't he sitting too close
to the TV?
Ruth, don't tell me that, as a woman,
you're not curious about our destination.
Having a sale, Ruth!
Where are
we going?
Are we there yet?
- To a planet we call Metaluna.
- Metaluna?
There's no such planet in the solar system.
Metaluna lies far beyond your
solar system, in outer space.
The stellarscope
will convince you.
Come.
Well, I never Metaluna I didn't like.
What do you think, Ruth? Pretty good, ah?
Observer, prepare a view
of the second quadrant, please.
Nanoo.
I won't ask you to
condone what we've done.
We condone it.
All I ask is that when you
understand the plight of my people,
you try to have more
sympathy for our deeds.
And that you'll give
generously to the United Way.
- Earth.
- It's being left far behind.
My interocitor is way nicer
than that one.
You have an interocitor?
Sure. Don't you?
- Well. Come on! We can use it to get
back to Earth. - Really?
You've got an interocitor.
You should tell me these things!
Interocitor. Interocitor. Let's see here.
Under the peanut brittle.
Nope, nope...
Let's see. A Monkeys album,
shoestring potatoes.
Hey! A can of hamdingers, isn't it?
No interocitor. A spirograph...
I know it's around here,
somewhere.
...a sweatsock there.
Oh, there's my Etch-A-Sketch!
Trackball, never worked. A jar of tamales.
Another can of hamdingers...
Why all the underpants?
They're... full?
Oh, these.
- I collect them.
- Huh.
Hey, a chainsaw!
Wait a second, Servo.
You do have a interocitor.
I've been using it to
make hot chocolate.
Well, let's see what
this baby can do.
- Would you take those off?
- Hey!
She'll be ridin'
six white horses...
Man, you guys scared the
living daylights out of me!
It's working! Hey, hi!
It's Exeter there?
Nah, him and Brack went down to
Headbutt Days for Shelly.
I gotta meet 'em in the beer tent in
about fifteen minutes,
so I gotta get going, 'kay?
No wait, we're trapped in space!
Can we use this thing to get back to Earth?
I don't know.
Jees. Let's see.
Maybe this does something.
Crap. That's not it.
Hang up.
Okay. Did you use the
intensifier disk?
Yes!
Turned the controls
18 degrees to the left.
Did that.
Are you in Europe.
Do you need an adapter?
No.
Well look, I don't know
anything about this thing.
Maybe this does something.
Oops. It didn't work.
Okay, well, I'll be sure to tell
Exeter to give you a call...
- Bye! - No wait! Hold on!
You have to help us!
Wait, help!
Auntie Em! Auntie Em!
Surprise!
Like, who doesn't have an interocitor,
you collective heads of knuckle!
Now, get back in the theater,
you ninnyhammers!
And remember: I know who you are,
and I saw what you did. Now, scat!
I'm the God!
I'm the God!
Ah! They're going 75, so
they'll be there in three billion years.
Follow me,
if you will.
Exeter, what are you using for power?
How are you controlling the
fantastic temperature on this ship?
What's to prevent us from floating around
like a bunch of balloons once we leave Earth's gravity?
To answer
the last question first:
Shut up.
we create our own
gravitational field, which means that...
no matter what position
our ship takes in space,
we here inside remain
right side up.
But if we're going to get you
to Metaluna alive,
there's a little procedure
you'll have to go through.
Oh, yeah! My anal probe!
What are you
doing to them?
We're hickory-curing them.
Metaluna's atmospheric pressure is like
that in your greatest oceans.
Just like you.
If we entered Metaluna's orbit without
conversion, we'd be crushed to death.
But in going from Metaluna to Earth,
the tissues of our bodies would dwindle.
We'd disintegrate
completely.
- Correct, Meacham,
- You get a cookie.
If we're fortunate enough
to return to Earth.
So, you're not giving us
a ride back then?
Okay, Bachelor Number Two...
Which one do you
want, honey?
Ladies and gentlemen...
A Flock of Seagulls.
Jees, I hope they wipe down
the tubes when they're done with them.
Uh, yeah. Good meeting, everyone.
Same time tomorrow?
- Brack?
- Yes.
You will prepare the doctors
for the tubes.
I just got out of
the tub, man!
You'll change into clothes such as ours,
especially conditioned for life on Metaluna.
Come with me.
What size of skull-dome
do you wear?
Brack has visible panty line.
Come on, you couple of
single-stomach, microcephalic bilobes.
So, Brack.
Is that polish?
Or... well no,
I guess it wouldn't be.
There's a shuttlecraft
approaching, Captain.
- Do you want me to talk like
George Takei some more Mike? - No.
As you wish, Captain.
As you wish.
Recognize me now,
Ruth?
Place your hands above the rails.
They're magnetized.
And if your hands were metal,
that would mean something.
What?
There's an intercom system in the tubes.
You may converse as long as you're able to.
But it will be billed to your room,
so don't overuse it.
Now, raise your hand
if you want the hot wax
I hope you
both like sulfur!
Good luck!
Let me know what happens!
What do you know!
Mine smells like bacon!
Must feel like
they're inside a bong!
- Ruth?
- I farted.
Yes?
You okay?
And you?
Feel like
a new toothbrush.
So rub me in a
circular motion on your gums
Hey, a big Swedish
underarm crystal
Hey, keep it on the road!
We're in the tubes back here!
Uh, my contents
have shifted!
- Ruth
- I farted again.
Well, this ought to
kill them!
I am Metaluna.
Well, the Tangerine Dream
music is good.
It's Christy Turlington
and Kate Moss!
Oh gross!
I saw Cal's pubic bone!
Now you're playing
Simon!
Should I tell Ruth
she has an extra rib?
- Cal
- I farted.
Enemy-controlled sector. This is
master control awaiting instructions.
Bill, pick up line 4!
Jesus, what did
you do to them?
You'll energize only as necessary.
Conserve power.
Avoid contact with enemy until
safety of ship is endangered.
Make big money at home!
Sharpen saws, and earn extra cash.
You didn't see my skeleton,
did you?
Uh, you might want to wait
a minute before opening Cal's up
Did you have Kenny G
playing in your tube?
Come away from
the nasty man.
You'll feel stronger
in a few moments.
I feel safe with you Brack.
You have a gentle touch.
Now I know you both feel as though
you could sleep for at least a thousand years,
But then you'd miss observing
our approach to Metaluna,
And with your curiosity, you'd
never forgive me for that.
You know, our chair technology
is light years ahead of yours.
Quiet everyone!
All My Children is on.
Hey, Laser Floyd, cool!
Observer,
a closer view.
View in third quadrant.
Contact in two time periods.
This planet should comb
its hair over its bald spot.
View in second quadrant.
Contact in one time period.
You know, that's one butt-ugly
planet you guys come from.
View in first quadrant
at ionization wave.
Ew, it's Michael Stipe's head!
What you're observing may well be
the beginning of the end... for our world.
Well, I hope so!
The Zahgon meteors are beginning
to get through our ionized layer.
That haze, a feeling
of intense radiation.
As you can well imagine,
such a screen requires...
the output of great
amounts of atomic energy.
And you're running out.
That's why you were sent to Earth.
And why you sent for us.
You need uranium.
In gigantic quantities.
Our own deposits are exhausted.
As our power diminishes,
our protection fails.
But, uh, we do have a very
active theater community!
What kind of shithole
planet is this?
That's enough.
Normal view.
Normal view.
Normal view.
Normal view!
Normal view!
Entering ionized layer.
Hey, they're landing in
Tommy Chong's backyard.
Oh, my washer load
is off-balance!
Looks like Dr. Seuss
designed their planet.
They're flying into a
Roger Dean album cover.
They're very into Yes
in this planet.
International flights always get
the gate furthest from the terminal.
Remember, we're parked
in the Denubrian Slime Devil lot.
Hey, Prince's bedroom.
Looks like the stalls
are all taken.
Welcome, Exeter. Observed your flight.
Almost counted you lost.
Your Earth creatures.
Dr. Adams,
Dr. Meacham.
I've given them as much
indoctrination as possible.
Then you know that shortly...
we can expect Zahgon to commence
and sustain an all-out attack.
Our ionization layer must be maintained
until our relocation is effected.
Relocation?
To where?
Shut your gob,
small-head.
To your Earth.
Oh, I can see th...
hey!
A peaceful relocation.
After the genocide,
of course.
Do you still insist, Exeter,
that we can allow any of these
Earth creatures to have free minds?
I do.
No... Yes...
Whatever you think!
I know them.
I've partied
with them.
- I've lived with them.
- You have wasted our time.
- Thank you! - Take them
to the thought transference chamber.
Yes, you all-high toilet hog.
Please come with me. I'm afraid
you have no choice.
Okay. Bye bye!
Nice hannukah bush, by the way!
Ah, I see their
Patriots don't work either.
Our Zahgon friends seem to be hitting this
prime sector quite regularly.
Uh, yeah?
Is that where it is?
In there?
Uh, golly, those doggone Zahgons are
really licking us, huh?
Well, let's go get your
brains scrambled.
My mind is my own and
nobody's gonna change it.
Go, girl!
- I'm not going into that room!
- Nobody is. Come on!
Leona Helmsley!
I'm sorry.
I'd hoped to have prepared you somewhat
beforehand. This is a mutant.
We have been bringing them
here for ages to do menial work.
Why?
Thhey're similar to insect life
on your own planet.
Larger, of course, with a
higher degree of intelligence.
This one has been given orders to
guard this corridor as long as we're here.
Oh, mommy!
I beg of you, go inside.
Cooperate voluntarily.
I give you my word you will not be harmed
or your minds changed in any way.
- You'd defy the Monitor?
- I already have!
Do you believe him, Cal?
In this place,
I wouldn't believe my grandmother.
Is he wearing slacks?
Oh boy.
The kingdom!
Oh sure. Go on. Run.
Just because you have a skull.
The Jetsons 2:
After the Armageddon.
- The travel car! Come on!
- Where are we going?
The spaceship.
It's safer there.
Don't you understand?
Let it happen now.
Reeeally?
Meacham!
Ruth!
I love you!
Stand back, Exeter.
Meacham, believe me,
I want to help you.
You're holding
a mutant turd!
Time is short.
Get into the car!
Go ahead.
Move that baby seat.
I kind of live
out of my travel cart.
This is what went on in
Salvador Dali's head.
Now, I swear we parked on
level C, just right next to...
Oh, shit.
He appears badly hurt.
Stay close to me.
Guten Tag! Sie greten?
Wie wollen eine Auto mieten!
Stand back.
I command you:
stand back!
Acting!
Well, that seemed
to go rather well.
I don't see what could
possibly go wrong...
- Cal!
- No, you do it! Leave me alone!
Uh, I'll get coffee.
Oh, I'm very vulnerable there!
Oh, there goes the piano lessons!
Ah, I can't remember
my dad!
Oh, come on
you big blowed.
When in Chicago, visit
the Museum of Science and Industry.
- Are you badly hurt?
- I'll be all right.
Close off all hatches.
Control room, quick!
Everyone picks on that
one weak spot of my exoskeleton!
You dinks.
You crushed my nads.
Hey! The floors look great.
I'm all right.
And if you don't mind
I've been waiting all day for this.
Oh no, Tinkerbell's goin' down!
Pull up Tink!
That may be
the last of them.
But probably it isn't.
Yes, they're concentrating
all their attention on Metaluna.
Those flashes of light...
they're meteors.
Hundreds of them.
The intense heat is turning Metaluna
into a radioactive sun.
The temperature must be
thousands of degrees by now.
Cooler by the lake.
- A lifeless planet.
- Yes, yes.
And yet
Rents are
reasonable.
...it's still serving
a useful purpose, I hope.
- Yes, a Sun...
- Yes, yes.
warming the surface
of some other world,
giving light to those
who may need it.
Still, your whole family died.
That's a bummer, huh?
Now, into
the converter tubes.
Uh, your liver is beginning
to stick out there.
You might wanna tuck it back in.
- Ruth, you take the first tube.
You, the next. - What about you?
I'll use the third tube.
Oh, right. Sure.
Stupid question. Sorry.
Well. One weird day,
huh?
Captain's log:
A bunch of our ship fell off and...
nobody likes me.
Cal and Exeter
wake and bake everyday. Woo!
Will our Mystery Guest enter
and sign in please?
It's the manager here?
Hello?
I hear you, ma'am.
Walls melting for you, too?
I didn't mean to scare you.
I'm just looking for the can.
Say, where did you
get those cute pants?
Oh, hey.
My grandma's legs.
Exeter, are these tubes
strong enough to keep him out?
Possibly.
- Well, no.
- He's bleeding badly.
In a very few moments,
the pressure should destroy him.
Shall I compare thee to a
summer's d oh...
Okay. Hold it together.
Rise above it. Suck it up.
You gotta cut me Mick!
Cut me!
And I busted a zit
on my shoulder. Great!
Run, Ruth, run!
Brilliant strategy.
Thanks, Napoleon.
Oh, I've ought
to do something.
What are you stuck up?
Too high and mighty for the Mutant, huh?
C'mon!
Give Uncle Scrotor a hug!
Not since Ted Kennedy
in a Barney suit!
- Oh, I stood up too fast!
- Ugh, he squirted.
Thank God I saved you.
Ah, I fell on my keys.
Yes, go away, you bad monster,
you'll get more of the same!
Self-cleaning mutant.
Leaves only the fresh
scent of pine.
Oh, we'll get you another one.
Raspberry World, for all your
raspberry needs. Off the beltway.
Hey, check this out!
Baywatch is on.
- Ah, just like we left it.
With the USA in charge. - Yes!
I think maybe we should
slow down a little?
Our speed is diminishing.
We're now in the
atmosphere of Earth.
Your plane is where you left it:
in the cargo hold.
I think.
A conventional way for you
to return to Earth, I admit,
At least you've got a planet.
but perhaps
the most practical.
May your forehead grow
like the mighty oak.
Where are
you going?
I'm fine.
I'll just kick around here.
Our universe is vast,
full of wonders.
I'll explore.
Yeah, that's it!
Perhaps find another Metaluna,
a place inhabited by beings
not unlike myself.
Maybe get a house,
with some guys... I don't know...
You see, I'm more adventurous
than you imagined me.
- Exeter...
- You dog...
- ...you're a liar.
- ...and I hate you.
You've used all your power
bringing us here.
Even if you had a place to go,
you couldn't make it.
I'll gas up in
Des Moines.
Come with us.
We'll heal your wounds.
No, Ruth, no. Ixnay!
I'm afraid my wounds
can never be healed.
You've things
to teach us.
Recipes to share.
Thank you.
We're over your Earth now.
It's time for you to go. Farewell.
I'm just dropping you at the
North Pole. Is that alright?
Ex... call, okay?
I mean that.
No, no. Go on, you kids.
I'll just be on the way. I'm fine.
You probably don't have
a spare room anyway,
Do you?
Yo, right back at ya!
Go. Go, go, go.
Come on. Go.
Oh, so that's what
a colon looks like!
Captain's log: I've lost
my toupee and girdle...
and I can't leave my room.
Y'know, I hope they land
right on Kenny Loggins.
Okay. Hands on ten and two;
check space cushion; pull out in the aah!
Oh great! Brack
siphoned our gas!
Oh, Carl...
Cal.
Oh, Cal...
- Home.
- Thank God it's still here...
...and friday!
Hell, let's hangar
this baby in then.
Spock!
Let's see how many
times I can skip this thing!
Nope. Pay no attention to me.
I'm just a weather balloon.
Just some swamp gas.
"Service engine soon."
I wonder what that's all about.
A giant flaming hat was
seen over the coast tonight...
Exeter thought he could squeeze
one more trip to earth out of this jalopy.
I'll always love you, Br Aah!
That's going to put your
panfish down for a while.
Exeter died on impact. Brack was arraigned
in superior court, county of Los Angeles.
In a moment,
the results of that trial.
This Island Earth!
That movie was a breeze!
I dig those crazy
Metalunians, Mike.
The movie is over.
The experiment is complete.
And... if my calculations
are correct...
Adjust for pi.
Mike's will should be broken
just about now.
Broken?
- Hey Mike, your spirit feeling broken?
- Heck no. We're fine, Dr. Forrester.
In fact, we're just hailing ourselves
a little Metaluna mix there.
Just call me Ruth, Mike!
Hey, check me out! I'm just like
one of your insects. Larger, of course.
Come on, everybody!
Make with the smoke, man!
So, you're having a party, eh?
Well, every party
needs a pooper!
Hey, look at that. Dr. Forrester's gone.
Alright. Now we'll
never get back to Earth!
Hey, wait a minute.
I don't know why people
leave during the credits.
- I always stay for the credits!
- Yeah, me too.
This is Orson Welles.
A good cast deserves another mention.
In the event that the first assistant director
is unable to fulfill her duties...
Bix Skahill and his big band!
Two Brantsegs in one film.
What are the odds?
Puppet wranglers. There
weren't any puppets in this movie?
And Dale Mather as
the Beaver.
- Oh, I love Triskos, with Espinosa.
- Oh, and a little Herget down 'em...
- In the event that the first assistant camera
is unable to... - Okay, alright.
Hey, they're on the blue line. They're over
the blue line. Oh, nice assist by Brad Keely!
Come on down to L. Marie Ford.
Free hotdogs, and balloons for mom.
Linda Froiland. Isn't she in
Babes in Froiland?
- Andrea "Action Jackson" DuCane.
- That's good.
Julie Walker, Texas Ranger.
- In the event that the assistant production
coordinator... - Okay, enough. - Sorry!
The winner, and still phorographer,
Mickey Kienitz.
So there's one guy who
just grinds out keys all day?
- The Amazing Rando! - Watch Rando the Great
construct sets with his very mind!
No, we've never met
before, have we?
Craft services will be held at
10 am, Tuesday.
- Kurt "Band-Aid" Gensmer.
- Dan "Contusion" Dustin.
- Jim "Heart Attack" Robinson.
Oh, yeah. These are the guys that just sit in basement rooms
and figure out ways to make elves disappear.
Avelino Deleon,
brother of Ponce.
Here's Avelino in his rear-engined Lotus
followed by Jaquilin Zietlow in a Ferrari.
We recorded at
Sync S-s-s-o-o-u-u-n-d.
- Excuse me, Magic Film and Video, but Rando will do
all the magic on this film. - That "Rando" stuff kills me.
Uh, yeah. Bill Schwab. He's the guy that goes
around attributing his own faults to other people.
Oh, right. The "projectionist."
"I Sing the Additional Grip Electric."
So, if you pick something up once,
you're considered a grip.
And now we're just seeing guys
who drove by the studio one afternoon.
We'd like to thank the people of St. Paul, who are,
in alphabetical order, Anderson, Aaron, Anderson, Alan...
Energy Park, providing a safe place
for energy to play.
This week at Energy Park, flugelhorn demonstration
and magic by The Amazing Rando!
As long as we're thanking the whole entire world,
I'd like to thank a guy I know named Earl.
Eastman. He came out of the east
to do battle with The Amazing Rando!
All rights are reserved, Callahan.
Oh, yeah, well how about the
rights of that little girl?
Country of first publication:
United States of America. Offer void in Utah.
Children under 12, employees and their families
are prohibited from taking part in this contest.
If not fully satisfied with this film,
please return unused portions for a full refund.
Hello. Welcome.
I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester,
and soon you will all bow down before me.
What you're about to see is
an experiment,
and, by observing,
you have become part of that experiment.
For I have shot a man into space
and I'm driving him crazy
by forcing him to watch
the worst movies ever made.
Oh, sure, we all have thought about it,
but I had the guts to do it!
This is my test subject:
Mike Nelson.
A disgustingly
mild-mannered dope
who has managed to survive
every film I subjected him to.
But perhaps this movie will drive him
to the breaking point and crush his soul,
and then I'll unleash it
on an unwitting public,
and then I will rule the world!
Yes!
I'm a naughty boy!
Naughty, naughty, naughty,
naugh... ty.
Well,
you will join Mike
in watching the Universal classic
This Island Earth
Now, prepare yourselves
for my maddest madness yet!
Now poopie.
Mystery Science Theater 3000
The Movie
Morning, Mike!
Morning, Gypsy!
Whaddaya got for me?
Oxygen-nitrogen mix is within
required standards,
we're currently in low orbit
over Southern Madagascar,
and that wonderful smell
is a lamb roast I have in the oven.
- And sweet yams?
- Affirmative!
Oh, and I compiled today's
wire service reports.
Here's a hard copy.
The Cubs lost again.
Oh! Why, hello Mike!
Everything workin' fine on the
ol' Satellite of Love today, hmm?
No dangerous problems or
horrible mishaps in sight?
No, Tom,
everything appears nominal.
Ah, nominal,
good, good.
So I guess that means
you're not worried about
what that rythmic pounding might be.
- Yeah, what is that?
- Yeah, what is that, hmm?
I'm a highly sophisticated robot,
Mike, and I'm telling you:
This is not something
you should be hearing!
Something's causing this, Mike!
Hm, now let's think.
I'm here, you're here,
Gypsy's here...
- Ok, Tom, where's Crow?
- Where's Crow?
Uh, I'm not supposed to say anything,
but I did see that litle moron headed towards
the basement with a pickaxe in his hand.
Gypsy!
Go to condition yellow!
- We gotta stop him!
- Roger!
It's a loooong way
to Tipperary,
to the sweetest girl I know!
Goodbye to Noah Berry!
Hello Harold Lloooooyd!
- Crow?
- Huh?
Crow, listen,
you've gotta stop!
Oh! Hi Mike!
I've found the perfect spot!
Once I break through this wall,
we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth!
Crow, you big dope!
You can't tunnel through space!
Come, come, boys, we must
confound Jerry at every turn!
Crow, no!
You'll breach the hull!
HULL
BREACH
I didn't expect this!
Gaining maximum R.P.M.
Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters!
Stabilize!
There! That should do it.
Wow, this is confusing!
Mike!
You wanna hand me me my calculations?
Thank you.
Well, look at that.
"Breach hull; all die."
Even had it underlined.
I don't wanna die!
Oh! Mommy! Mommy!
I love you, Mike!
- Atta boy, Servo!
- I won't do that again!
Hey! I'm experiencing a sensation
altogether new to me!
And frankly, I love it!
Now, Crow, I told you:
No more escape attempts.
Believe me, Mike,
I calculated the odds of this succeeding
versus against the odds
I was doing something incredibly stupid
and I went ahead anyway.
There you go.
Aw, darn!
It's time!
Dr. F. is calling for you.
Ah, Mike.
Robots.
I'm feeling particularly evil
because today's experiment
is a stinky cinematic
suppository called
This Island Earth
You may just all bow down before me
after this stinkburger.
Say, come to think about it,
I don't believe you've
bowed down before me recently.
Uh, sure we have,
last week.
No, no, no! I think that was
more of a curtsey than a bow.
So why don't we all
just bow down... now.
I don't see a reason
to make us...
Bowing, sir!
...I bow before you, sir...
Okay, Dr. Forrester.
Jees!
What a dickweed!
Well, now that
we've had our little fun,
prepare yourself for...
uh...
But, before I start
the experiment... uh...
Did you,
you know, go?
Yes.
Because I don't wanna
have to stop the movie for...
- You know.
- You won't.
Then, prepare yourselves for...
This Island Earth
We've got Movie Sign!
Ah, it's the nicest weather
Earth has ever had!
Notice how big Japan is?
Space, the final frontier.
These are the voyages of
Babylon 5.
Doesn't the fact that it's universal
make it international?
This island earth can be yours
if the price is right!
Hey, who sneezed on the credits?
Okay, let's see here.
Shatner? Shatner?
Nope! Doesn't look like
he's in this one, we're safe!
I feel so insignificant.
Of course,
I always feel insignificant!
The light from this credits originated
well over 7.000 years ago.
Boy, the universe
is really cruising.
Look, there's Taurus,
the bull!
And right underneath him
the constellation Feces.
Oh, look!
Orion is bankrupt.
So, these are images
from the Hubble?
When in California,
be sure to visit beautiful... oh...
It's a long par 5 leading
to the nation's capital.
Who'd build so far back
on the lot?
Washingtonland,
the new Disney theme park!
One more. Just one more,
please, Dr. Meacham.
Hold it, please.
A little closer to the wing, sir.
Watch your lips!
A little more profile,
Dr. Meacham.
He wants to get that
faraway, visionary look.
Cal, we know how
tired you must be.
- We'll make it as short as possible.
- Fire away, gentlemen,
I warn you, I am beginning
to feel faraway and visionary.
How about your conference with
the committee on atomic power?
Not my conference. Twenty engineers
and scientists were there.
Twenty? Hardly a routine meeting,
would you say?
Yeah, and look, Cal:
we won't buy the committee's
getting you VIPs together
for a cocktail party.
All right, boys,
I'll tell you this much.
You boys like to call this
"the push-button age."
It isn't. Not yet.
Not until we can team up
atomic energy with electronics.
Then we'll have the horses
as well as the cart.
How long has the army
been handing out jets, doctor?
Yeah!
One of the boys at Lockheed
handed me this one.
I hope you taxpayers don't mind.
We do!
Cal, when do we get
to this "push-button age"?
When fellows like me stop talking
about it and get back to our labs.
See you gentlemen later.
- Goodbye!
- So long!
Kiss me goodbye?
Cal, are you working on anything
along the lines you mentioned?
- Roughly.
- Well, remember me, will you?
I'm the wormy guy.
I'm concentrating on the
reconversion of certain
common elements into nuclear
energy sources.
- Huh? How's that again?
- What counts is how I make it work.
I see.
Good flight, Cal.
- Thank you.
- So long.
- Dickweed.
- Jack-off.
Other people need to
use this ladder, you know?
My wife has the seat so close,
how can she drive like this?
Those decals are really hard
to put on without ripping.
John Sununu goes
for a haircut.
Fortunately, he has
his theme music on eight-track.
Hey! You can see
the Cubs losing!
Geez, there's soccer teams
lying all over the place!
Oh, for crying out...
when are they gonna fill that in?
Hey, his legs are sticking out!
Ricola!
I'm so lost!
Keanu Reeves in
My Own Private Airfield.
Hello, can I see your pass,
sir... ah... whatever.
Putting the men's room in the tower,
what was I thinking?
2XD341, calling
Ryberg Control tower. Come in.
2XD341, this is Ryberg
Control tower. Go ahead.
O.K. to come in, Webb?
Are you decent?
All clear, Cal. Drift south
about 20 miles per hour.
Hi, Webb.
what's Cal's ETA?
- 1410, but he's late
- Half an hour late.
That's my boss.
The only guy in the world
who can travel by jet and still be late.
Duh, I made a funny,
heh heh.
- Where are you?
- Look out the window.
Look out,
President Clinton!
Maverick!
Could I love him more?
Ah damn, I spilled my
Big Gulp.
Should we be seeing this?
Nothing! Nothing!
Cal, what's wrong?
I have no control.
I keep eating and eating!
Cut loose, Cal! Bail out!
I can't. I'm too low.
I've got the blues so bad,
uh huh.
Jerking around must have caused a flameout.
No power.
No nothing!
No Tickee!
No Shirtee!
Green Acres!
Well, suddenly I have
a refreshing mint flavor.
Early LSD tests in the
Air Force.
This is a job for
Weenie-man!
Eat at Joe's. Eat at Joe's.
Eat at Joe's.
Wow, they're ringing!
Now he knows what the world sounds
like to Pete Townshend.
Into the Weenie-mobile.
Weenie-man away!
I'd like to thank me
for flying me Airways.
- Uh, there's a green switch.
It was there all the time! - D'oh!
G.I. Joe action-set.
Nerdy Joe not included.
- Cal, you okay?
- Okay.
What happened?
How'd you bring it in?
- I didn't. Couldn't.
- I died.
- What do you mean you didn't?
- Controls went out.
- Huh?
- That's right. No controls, no power.
The plane died up there.
- I should be dead.
- Did you bring me a toy?
Cal, I know everybody's
seeing flying saucers
and screwy
lights up in the sky.
Well, you can put me
in the booby hatch too,
because, so help me, I saw this ship
turn a bright green up there.
- Are you sure, Joe?
- Positive.
- Did you hear anything?
- Yes.
A high-frequency howl, very high,
all the time your ship was
- Green?
- Green?
- Did Webb see it?
- Unless he's blind.
- Check him.
- Right.
Oh, and, Joe,
until we find out what happened,
all three of us were blind.
I'll go pop Webb's eyes out.
So, was being green fun?
- Okay, I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
- I was just wondering, I mean...
- I've always wanted to...
- No. Shut up.
- How's the little giant? - Growing up.
Getting ready to astound the world.
Let's take a look.
I figured that.
She's all ready and waiting.
Wow, that's one hell of a
View-Master.
Oh yeah, this is when science
didn't have to have any specific purpose.
Lowering the cylinder.
Inserting the
breakfast pastry.
The secret government Eggo project.
Contact Dr. Jemima.
I love the blueberrie ones best.
- Increase the rate of reaction.
- Start warming the syrup.
Yum.
Check rate of
radioactive decay.
Increase the Flash Gordon noise
and put more science stuff around.
Positive. Same it was
the whole week you were away.
- What did the committee say?
- Oh, they were a little excited.
A little!
Oh my god, my waffle!
Oh, the humanity!
Fries are up!
Oh no,
you're flooding it!
Zero reading.
- The X-C condenser must have shorted
out again. - Get the spare.
- Burned out yesterday!
- Oh, we can't have nice things!
Our liquorice ice cream cones melted!
And don't ask me why I didn't
order some new ones. I did.
X-C condensers in an envelope?
Must be a gag dreamed up
by the receiving department.
I ordered two X-C condensers,
and supreme equipment sent me these beads.
He touched me!
You say they're a gag,
but they're condensers.
I checked one for capacity
and voltage on the meter.
- And blew it to bits.
- Yeah,
After it held to 33.000 volts
and no leakage.
Where's my gun?
If that were true,
we could build a generator,
One that would supply electric power
to run an entire factory.
Sort this, deliver that.
I'll make 'em all pay!
Ah, the script has
finally arrived!
- Morning. - Morning.
- Sign here.
Wilt Chamberlain.
- I don't like you.
- Thank you.
Oh, my Niels Bohr swimsuit
calendar has arrived!
- What have you got?
- I don't know! There's no return address.
Oh, I hope
it's my lederhosen.
How do they get blow up
one day in here.
"Electronics service,
Unit no. 16."
Give to daddy.
Well, I'll read this
on the crapper.
"A catherimine tube with
an endiom complex of +4."
- What are they talking about?
- I don't know, but this outfit has them.
This isn't paper.
It's some kind of metal.
No sir, that's paper.
"Interocitor incorporating
planetary generator."
"Interocitor with volterator...
with astroscope."
Hey, Ms. Interocitor.
- Here's something my wife could
use in the house: - A man?
"An interocitor incorporating
an electron sorter."
Although she'd probably gain 20 pounds
while it did all the work for her.
Cal, you bitch!
According to this, there's
no limit to what it can do.
Laying a four-lane highway at a mile
a minute would be a cinch.
Cal, maybe we've
been working too hard.
"Complete line of
interocitor parts...
incorporating greater advances than
hitherto known in the field of electronics."
- Look, there's Waldo!
- What exactly is an interocitor?
I don't know,
and I don't want to know.
- Just love me!
- Well, I do.
I want to know what it is
and what it does.
And if I can break it.
- Order the list of parts on these pages.
- How we gonna build it?
These symbols they're like
a foreign language.
And I'm hungry!
Anyway, we don't know the address.
You ordered the condensers
from supreme by teletype.
Yeah.
Which means that somebody intercepted
that order and sent us those beads.
Here, try it again.
You're too darn smart.
And handsome!
I may be the dumbest man who
ever walked this Earth, Joe.
No argument here.
Ah, been ordering from the
Adam and Eve collection again, hmm.
Joe, I'm one of these boxes.
Find me!
Here's the invoice.
No charge and no address.
Listen to this: "No interocitor part
can be replaced.
Bear this in mind
while assembling."
Use only genuine interocitor parts.
Well, let's
start unpacking.
Cal, are you gonna work
naked again?
There, it's done.
What do you think?
But before unpacking...
D'oh!
There's 2,486 parts.
2845, sir.
Each part is cross-indexed
into a symbol pattern.
Shouldn't be too hard at all.
Sure. A snap, maestro.
Only, uh, where do we start?
Right here.
At goofy clown face.
Industry, science and
technology!
Big men putting
screwdrivers into things...
turning them, and adjusting them!
Build your own
atom storage box!
Bringing you state-of-the-art
in soft serve technology!
Pulls off caps of any size jug,
bottle, or jar!
And it really,
really works.
You know what
my kids would say:
- You're not my real father!
- "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing."
Plug it in, Joe.
We'll see what happens.
He doesn't even have kids.
Poor, deluded Joe.
Oh, please, say we can get the Sci-Fi
channel. Please, oh please, oh please...
Look at this. Uh.
Comes with a Garth Brooks CD.
- Now what do I do?
- Clear your screen, please.
Okaay, Dr. Goofy!
You... can hear me?
- Of course.
- Duh.
Use the intensifier disk,
the one in your hand.
Any time, Einstein!
Place it in position
on your right.
Now, throw it at
Joe really hard!
This... tss... uh...
thing... goes on the what's-this here.
Now turn the control
18 degrees to the left.
17. One more. Wait, back.
Oh! Well, that works too.
It's the amazing Technicolor
cheese wedge!
Nanoo nanoo!
You have successfully accomplished
your task, Dr. Meacham.
You've assembled an interocitor,
a feat of which few men are capable.
- Who are you?
- I'm called Exeter.
Doug Exeter.
I'm a scientist, like yourself.
Shall we say a... a colleague.
My colleagues don't materialize out of
strange machines. They're flesh and blood.
And so am I, Dr. Meacham,
as I hope you'll soon find out.
- Grrr. Grrr. - ...although I admit
at the moment, I do appear immaterial.
But no matter.
I represent a group which is seeking
scientists of exceptional ability.
Do you know any?
All prospects must pass an aptitude test,
which you've just done.
- Damn... where do I control... damn, jees.
- ...only I don't remember applying for any job.
You didn't
I beg your pardon, Mr. Wilson.
Your camera will pick up
nothing but black fog.
Oh, it's a Goldstar!
Images on the interocitor
don't register on film.
- Put it away, Joe.
- Go lie down.
To continue,
Dr. Meacham,
We test out people without their knowledge.
We leave nothing to chance.
Except the chance that I'm
not interested in you or your group.
Come, come, doctor. It's not possible
that a man of your scientific curiosity...
wouldn't want to find out
who I am, where I come from,
If I have pants on.
Wouldn't give his right arm for more
examples of our superior technical knowledge.
I think I can assume, Dr. Meacham,
that you're sufficiently...
intrigued to come to an immediate decision.
We'd like you to join our... team,
as you might say, at once.
You'll make arrangements
to leave immediately.
Wait a moment.
I didn't say
At 5:00 Wednesday morning, our plane
will land at your field.
It will wait exactly
five minutes and then depart.
Whether I'm aboard or not?
Nanoo.
Hi there.
Place the catalog on
that table with the blueprints.
Open it to the
underwear section. Yes!
Alright, I'll do it,
you big-headed freak.
Is this metal?
I got a bet with Joe.
Now stand aside, please.
You too, Mr. Wilson.
No, farther towards the
Kill Zone, please.
Yeah. God, I'm good.
Dear God, I left
the iron plugged in!
Come here, you big
dumb dope.
Quick! Get the
baking soda!
Well, Cal, there's nothing
left for you to break!
Boy, the landlady's
gonna be mad!
- Are you boys cooking up there?
- No!
- Are you making an interocitor?
- No!
- You okay?
- Okay.
- Within reason.
- If there is any reason around here.
What with all the shenanigans and
goings-on.
Now that you have exploded,
any words for our listeners?
There's no reading now.
- Cal.
- Yes, Joe?
I just like saying "Cal."
- Whoever that Exeter is, i don't like him.
- Don't you, Joe?
- That's 'cause you're a puss.
- What? What?
Hey!
He was right about one thing.
I look good on a beret.
I'm gonna be on that plane.
Oh, hey wait,
what's that! Alright.
- Let's get out of here!
- This will take a while.
Ah! Minor film break.
Happens all the time.
I know exactly
what to do.
My plan for breaking Mike's will, by making him
watch this horrible movie, continues as planned.
I should be ruling the world by, uh,
6:00, 6:30 at the latest...
That Cal fella, what a maroon!
Who'd be stupid enough to give him
a laboratory or let him fly a jet?
- I like Joe.
- Yeah, and if it were me flying that baby,
and I had a low altitude
flameout like that,
I'd just reduce my elevators, dip the nose
and fire up the engines.
- You don't know how to fly!
- Sure I do!
I'm fully instrument-rated for
Microsoft Flight Simulator.
- Well then you fly the Satellite of Love?
- Yeah.
What, this thing?
No, I can't do that, see,
'cause...
It's not the same, there's no air foil so
there's no ability to turn when you're up in the...
All right, all right. Fine, you two.
Spread out, spread out.
What do ya do with a drunken sailor,
early in the morning! Hay-ho and up she
Okay out baby, out.
Well don't come crying to me
when you get us all killed!
Yeah, right.
Let's see here.
Hey, this is going to be
easier then I thought.
- Help!
- Hey Mike, you hit something!
It's the hubble!
You killed the hubble!
- Gypsy, could you please get that
- Uh huh. No way!
This is you're dishwashing liquid!
You soak in it!
Ah! Ah! The manipulator arm!
The manipulator arm!
- Carefully... carefully... wait...
- That's it! That's it!
- It's only 6 billion dollars. Remember.
- Hope you're insured, Mike!
It's only the most expensive
satellite ever built.
Near. Very fragile.
No, wait. Very fragile.
Better leave a note
on the windshield, Mike.
Back up, and slow again.
Wait. Don't.
Don't do that!
Sorry. It's...
Now, I'm just gonna release it gently,
like a sparrow into the night sky.
Good night, sweet Hubble.
And a flight of angels
sing thou to thy rest.
Oh, good one, Mike.
But, how could it do that?
It couldn't possibly...
Oh, great, and now
we have Movie Sign.
Go on. I'll take care of this.
- Mike broke the hubble!
- Boys.
Mike broke the hubble!
Put me on intermittent, Joe.
- Cal, won't you reconsider?
- I did... all night.
Didn't you hear me?
And, as a committee of one, I
came to a series of decisions...
at exactly
the fifth cup of coffee.
I had to pee.
One: Whatever scientific knowledge
this Exeter character has,
should be
in our textbooks.
Two: Joe Wilson,
my able assistant,
knows enough about a certain experiment
to carry on without me for awhile.
I'm not sure of that, Cal.
Look, Joe, my committee decided
I'm expendable.
- Nothing you can say will change that.
- You always were an obstinate
Oh, well,
I'm not worried.
Not even a moth equipped with a lightning bug
could fly in here this morning.
So no plane is
You know, all the problems of a
hunky guy and a wormy sidekick...
...don't amount to a hill of beans
in this crazy world.
Hey, it's a moth equipped
with a lightning bug!
- Let go of my hand, Joe.
- He made it!
Well, I don't like long goodbyes.
There's a letter for you on the end table.
Joe? Joe? Watch out
for the prop, Joe...
I'll understand if you
assist other scientist, Joe...
Scram, Lumpy.
Hello, Mr. Magic plane passengers.
Hello, it's outside... hello?
Ironically, they
overbooked the flight.
How about rustling me up
a drink, sweet cheeks? Hello?
I'm your pilot, Claude Rains;
your co-pilot, Harvey the Rabbit...
Can I... get a pair of those little wings?
I've been a good junior pilot. Hello?
No pilot.
He must be having
a rum and coke somewhere.
No windows.
Cal, you'll really
be flying blind.
Please be seated, Dr. Meacham.
And welcome aboard.
You are being kidnapped
by The Light FM.
Ugh, what are you doing?
You're sitting on me!
A seat belt is not
required, doctor.
You commie.
Please clear the stairs.
That means you, Wormy.
- Thank you.
So long, Joe.
I'll be dropping you a card.
Cal, get off right away! This whole thing
smells to high heaven!
Cal, I'm beggin' you.
Don't go!
Cal! Cal!
I'm stuck!
Your in-flight movie is:
Fearless.
There goes a stupid,
stupid man.
I'm gonna curl up in his
sock drawer, and sleep for days.
There's probably some kid with a big forehead,
kicking the back of the seat right now.
Oh, Tammy, lower!
Yeah, that's right!
Shh, shh. We're in a whole lot of trouble.
Get your parachute on. Should I wake him?
Ah, football practice... uh...
Good morning,
Dr. Meacham.
Good morning, boys!
Hope you slept well.
'Cause it's time to die.
They're forcing him to visit
Branson, Missouri.
Cal, honey, put your shoes on.
We're at grandma's.
Hello! Where can I
empty my hat?
He's flown into
a Flemish painting
I claim this land for Spain!
So, the aliens live
in Hooterville?
Ah, there are too Woodies
in this scene.
- Where am I?
- Georgia.
I kind of expected
Neptune or Mars.
Or Neptune...
Exeter asked me to greet you.
I'm Dr. Ruth Adams.
Ruth Adams! But this is wonderful.
I never expected
This.
Ruth, I'm Cal Meacham.
Hello, is it anybody home?
Dr. Meacham,
of course.
Four or five years ago, conference on...
thermal problems
in nuclear reactors.
- Boston, wasn't it?
- Vermont!
We were lecturing to a symposium
of graduate students.
Summer, three years ago.
After classes,
we'd go swimming in a
little river near the school.
You were an awful sissy
about that icy water.
Shrinky Dink,
remember?
Now, Ruth, don't tell me
you've forgotten.
Come on, dummy!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Dr. Meacham, all I can say
is I'm deeply flattered...
and maybe a little envious of
the girl you've mistaken me for.
And now I think Exeter
is waiting to greet you.
She wants me.
Alright, see if this jogs
your memory.
Bad dog.
We did it, and
you know it.
Mike, can I have a car
like that?
You can't drive.
I can drive. I'm an excellent driver.
I'm not wearing my underwear.
Oh, there's gonna be a
Mary Kay convention going on too,
so it's gonna be kind of weird.
The elevators down to
Exeter's slave quarters.
Our laboratories.
That's not funny, Ruth.
I was a slave.
Our living room, social center,
library.
Mosh pits.
This is Exeter's office and study.
Not exactly what you
expected, Dr. Meacham, is it?
- Good morning, doctor.
- Good morning, doctors.
Reverend Moon.
Ms. Hathaway.
Just throw these coats on
Exeter's bed.
Heil Hitler!
- Guten morgen, Doktor.
- Guten morgen, Herr Doktor.
Engelberg, from Munich. The doctor's
out for his morning constitutional.
He's been here a week, but
his English and my German
Eeh, Charlie Rich!
He goes through
a lot of Brylcreem.
Don't mention his head.
Who's that one?
That's Brack, one of
Exeter's assistants.
But you'll find them all
very helpful.
What language
do they speak?
Anything you wish:
English, Hindustani, Congoese...
- Kokokupikekeke...
- Anything.
- Dr. Meacham. Good morning.
- Good morning.
Please come in,
both of you.
Glad you could join us here
at the Buddy Ebsen Society
- Sit down.
- Dr. Adams!
Oh, yes, Steve!
What's this
'and the rest' crap?
About that
nuclear decay factor, Ruth,
I'm afraid my equation
just doesn't seem to work.
I was hoping you could find time
to go over it with me later.
I still think the
basic principle is all right.
Maybe we can trust
Yes, well,
thank you, Dr. Adams.
Oh, there you are,
Dr. Adams.
I was just reminding
Dr. Meacham...
that I'd promised to produce some
of his colleagues in the flesh.
May I use you
as exhibit A?
I'm afraid Dr. Meacham
isn't too happy with me.
At the airport, he was
sure we were old friends.
Obviously, I was wrong.
The lady hardly remembers me.
- What is more important is
- Who we are, what we're doing here.
Why I have a picture
of a burger on the wall.
Dr. Meacham...
We're not hiring.
I represent a group of scientists who
work with but one purpose:
To put an end to war.
Naturally, such a goal can't be attained
without experts of superior ability:
- Men of vision...
- Jesus, what a head...
...gathered here, exchanging
information daily...
Oh, that smell?
Oh, wow.
We hope to achieve
exciting new techniques,
Leap years ahead of the others.
- I don't think I need tell you how effective our voices...
- Ah, terrible...
...will be when the world learns
of our achievements.
- Well, there you have it.
- I'll let her open her.
- Nothing new, perhaps, but then, what is?
- Your head?
However, let me assure you, doctor,
that we are dedicated men and women,
and as such,
we can accomplish wonders.
- Well...
- Into the hot tub?
What do you
think of us?
This all sounds great,
Mr. Exeter...
- ...but why me?
- We like your skull.
- Dr. Meacham...
- How.
...we happen to know
that you're on the threshold...
of discovering limitless amounts
of free nuclear energy,
More specifically, the
conversion of lead into uranium.
Dr. Adams here has been working
along the same lines as you have,
perhaps just
a step behind you,
although I might add
that both of you are
way ahead of anyone
else in your field.
Be careful. Exeter will
flatter you to death.
The truth is never flattering,
Dr. Adams.
You fine foxy lady.
Now suppose you relax
and think it over.
Suppose when I do, I find
I can't go along with you?
Could we still
go out sometime?
Naturally, we'll expect you to be
discreet about what you've seen here.
Otherwise, you're free to leave,
Dr. Meacham. As free as air.
Hey, Kreskin,
quit hoggin' the bottle!
Hey, Mao, try this!
It'll knock your socks off!
There you go,
Mr. B.
So that's squirrel pudding,
hmm.
Hey, the professor's crying!
She's drunk again!
Whatever.
What do you think
of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
I'm afraid I don't
know the chap.
I'm not an alien!
My mind must have been wandering.
Your composer, of course.
Our composer?
He belongs to the world.
Yes, indeed.
I'm not an alien.
The dinner, Exeter, was even
more perfect than you promised.
Now if you'll excuse me, I could
do with some fresh air myself.
He's gonna get high.
Would you care to join me,
Dr. Adams?
Uh. No?
You, Dr. Carlson?
It's your turn to
walk the Cal.
Why don't you?
Show him the grounds.
I dare you!
We won't start cracking the whip
on Meacham until tomorrow.
Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat
and lay my eggs in your chest.
But I'm not an alien!
Don't leave me with the Germans!
They didn't eat their fruit cups!
- That's quite a group Exeter
has collected. - Quite.
That's Dr. Hu Lin Tang.
I love Tang!
Tang's field is tritanium,
the same as Dr. Engelberg.
Dr. Marie Pitchner, U-235.
Dr. Blorfield, plutonium.
Whoop dee shit.
Hmm, that puts all of us in the
production of nuclear energy,
doesn't it, Carlson?
What are you
getting at, Meacham?
Why no biochemists, electronic experts,
mechanical engineers...
People equipped to make practical application
of the energy the rest of us produce?
I seem to remember that
was part of Exeter's pitch.
We try to make it a rule around here, Doctor,
not to discuss our work after hours.
Now how about that fresh air?
How about you and Dr. Adams
showing me my laboratory instead?
How about you lick me?
After all I've heard today,
I can hardly wait...
to add my little
contribution to the good work.
This way, doctor.
- I call dibs on Ruth.
- Dibs. - Dibs! - D'oh!
Not much of a laboratory...
...oh, it's the elevator. I see, I get it.
Now, does this clip
need any set up?
- It may be true...
- You may kiss the scientist...
- ...but are you sure?
- We're 30 miles from nowhere.
Steve and I know. We've tried.
And if we did get out,
who'd believe all this?
Ugh, hair ball...
I don't blame you doctors for being excited
about working for Exeter.
It's a rare privilege.
He's a rare man.
Our little Neutron gave us away.
He felt the impulses.
That cat. I could
Put Neutron under
the thought transformer?
Why not, Brack? And perhaps
you'd like me to step in with him.
Smush my big white
alien forehead.
Turn it off, Brack.
Our friends won't be giving us
any more information tonight.
I'll put you in the
bitch transformer...
Here's a sketch of the interocitor.
I also have rough notes
on its working controls.
It's guesswork mostly
but better than nothing.
Not much...
And these are portraits
of Exeter and Brack.
Do you notice the peculiar
indentations in both their foreheads?
Nooo!
This is the one we're really proud of, Cal.
We discovered this a week ago
two miles south of here.
The side of this hill has been hollowed out,
and here's an acre of canvas
covering the excavation.
You tell me what's in there.
Uh, pudding?
Steve wanted to go back and
find out what was inside, but...
I guess I got
cold feet.
Just like Vermont.
Still a sissy.
God, I hate you.
They're fine, Steve.
When we get out of here,
I'll have them framed at my own expense.
If we get out.
Ah, you sissy. Sissy cat,
I can take you too, you puss!
He's just hungry.
No, please! I can't
digest milk!
Good-bye, Neutron.
I've got some big foreheaded
sissy butt to kick.
Mr. and Mrs. Howell's hut
is really nice.
Yeah, let's slip away
undercover of afternoon
in the biggest car in the county.
Good. You will keep in contact
until moment of departure.
Then remove all evidence
of installation. That is all.
And don't forget
to punch out.
I ought to hit you.
Take over.
And don't screw it up.
Jerk.
Now, it's time for The Brak Show.
It's The Brak Show,
starring me I'm Brak.
It's The Brak Show and
I've got lots of great guests.
Meanwhile, Ness and his men
speed toward Capone's hideout!
So, Professor, you made this
entirely out of bamboo, huh?
Eat my photons,
smallheads!
Why are they all
sitting in front?
We're sitting ducks in this thing.
If we're gonna make the airport,
we'll have to do it on foot.
When I stop, we'll pile out.
Take cover fast.
Sounds like a really crappy plan,
but okay!
Suckers!
Steve! Steve!
I'm a little busy!
I regret nothing!
Uh, yes,
very nice, yes!
Oh, I have
tubes in my ears!
And his coffin will be made
entirely of coconuts, thank you.
We'll try and make
the airport. Let's go.
Well, they dried
off quickly.
Heh hey,
watch the hand, Cal!
Regis and Kathy Lee are
The Fugitive.
- Is it flyable?
- It should be.
Exeter keeps it
here for the staff.
She's hard on a
cocktail dress.
My other plane
is a jet, you know?
What do you think
about that?
That's what happens when
you leave a potato in a microwave!
Yeah, I'm beginning to think
they're not from around here.
I bet you they're
English, or Canadian.
They're pulling us up!
I just know they're
gonna probe my anus.
Captain, the Klingons have us
in their tractor beam!
They got sucked up
into a Jiffy Lube.
So, this is Denver's
new airport.
Yes, things are going
exactly as planned.
If I don't miss my guess,
I think this has something to do
with those white-haired fellows.
Ah, thank you, Thing.
So, they worship
the Everlasting Gobstopper?
You know, those helmets don't really
hide their foreheads that well.
Two for Dinner?
Good.
Remain here.
Dad, your friends
are here!
Our two passengers are
very sensitive to heat.
The passengers are here.
So why they put the toilet
in the middle of the room?
Allow me
to welcome you.
Welcome.
I'm sorry that our visit below had
to be terminated so dramatically,
but time allowed
for nothing else.
I can assure you
we mean you no harm.
Like Steve Carlson and Engelborg?
Like the others in that house?
- What happened was beyond my control.
- What happened was mass murder.
We're not all masters of our souls, Meacham.
That's a nice little phrase
coming from you.
I learned it
on Earth.
That's 1 for Exeter. Ouch!
The two of you are
beginning a strange journey...
Mawwige!
a journey that no Earth people
have ever undertaken before.
Whether you consider me a devil
or a saint is unimportant.
Devil.
What is important is that you're here,
on this spaceship.
Suppose then, for the
time being, we call a truce.
As scientists
at least, Meacham.
Isn't he sitting too close
to the TV?
Ruth, don't tell me that, as a woman,
you're not curious about our destination.
Having a sale, Ruth!
Where are
we going?
Are we there yet?
- To a planet we call Metaluna.
- Metaluna?
There's no such planet in the solar system.
Metaluna lies far beyond your
solar system, in outer space.
The stellarscope
will convince you.
Come.
Well, I never Metaluna I didn't like.
What do you think, Ruth? Pretty good, ah?
Observer, prepare a view
of the second quadrant, please.
Nanoo.
I won't ask you to
condone what we've done.
We condone it.
All I ask is that when you
understand the plight of my people,
you try to have more
sympathy for our deeds.
And that you'll give
generously to the United Way.
- Earth.
- It's being left far behind.
My interocitor is way nicer
than that one.
You have an interocitor?
Sure. Don't you?
- Well. Come on! We can use it to get
back to Earth. - Really?
You've got an interocitor.
You should tell me these things!
Interocitor. Interocitor. Let's see here.
Under the peanut brittle.
Nope, nope...
Let's see. A Monkeys album,
shoestring potatoes.
Hey! A can of hamdingers, isn't it?
No interocitor. A spirograph...
I know it's around here,
somewhere.
...a sweatsock there.
Oh, there's my Etch-A-Sketch!
Trackball, never worked. A jar of tamales.
Another can of hamdingers...
Why all the underpants?
They're... full?
Oh, these.
- I collect them.
- Huh.
Hey, a chainsaw!
Wait a second, Servo.
You do have a interocitor.
I've been using it to
make hot chocolate.
Well, let's see what
this baby can do.
- Would you take those off?
- Hey!
She'll be ridin'
six white horses...
Man, you guys scared the
living daylights out of me!
It's working! Hey, hi!
It's Exeter there?
Nah, him and Brack went down to
Headbutt Days for Shelly.
I gotta meet 'em in the beer tent in
about fifteen minutes,
so I gotta get going, 'kay?
No wait, we're trapped in space!
Can we use this thing to get back to Earth?
I don't know.
Jees. Let's see.
Maybe this does something.
Crap. That's not it.
Hang up.
Okay. Did you use the
intensifier disk?
Yes!
Turned the controls
18 degrees to the left.
Did that.
Are you in Europe.
Do you need an adapter?
No.
Well look, I don't know
anything about this thing.
Maybe this does something.
Oops. It didn't work.
Okay, well, I'll be sure to tell
Exeter to give you a call...
- Bye! - No wait! Hold on!
You have to help us!
Wait, help!
Auntie Em! Auntie Em!
Surprise!
Like, who doesn't have an interocitor,
you collective heads of knuckle!
Now, get back in the theater,
you ninnyhammers!
And remember: I know who you are,
and I saw what you did. Now, scat!
I'm the God!
I'm the God!
Ah! They're going 75, so
they'll be there in three billion years.
Follow me,
if you will.
Exeter, what are you using for power?
How are you controlling the
fantastic temperature on this ship?
What's to prevent us from floating around
like a bunch of balloons once we leave Earth's gravity?
To answer
the last question first:
Shut up.
we create our own
gravitational field, which means that...
no matter what position
our ship takes in space,
we here inside remain
right side up.
But if we're going to get you
to Metaluna alive,
there's a little procedure
you'll have to go through.
Oh, yeah! My anal probe!
What are you
doing to them?
We're hickory-curing them.
Metaluna's atmospheric pressure is like
that in your greatest oceans.
Just like you.
If we entered Metaluna's orbit without
conversion, we'd be crushed to death.
But in going from Metaluna to Earth,
the tissues of our bodies would dwindle.
We'd disintegrate
completely.
- Correct, Meacham,
- You get a cookie.
If we're fortunate enough
to return to Earth.
So, you're not giving us
a ride back then?
Okay, Bachelor Number Two...
Which one do you
want, honey?
Ladies and gentlemen...
A Flock of Seagulls.
Jees, I hope they wipe down
the tubes when they're done with them.
Uh, yeah. Good meeting, everyone.
Same time tomorrow?
- Brack?
- Yes.
You will prepare the doctors
for the tubes.
I just got out of
the tub, man!
You'll change into clothes such as ours,
especially conditioned for life on Metaluna.
Come with me.
What size of skull-dome
do you wear?
Brack has visible panty line.
Come on, you couple of
single-stomach, microcephalic bilobes.
So, Brack.
Is that polish?
Or... well no,
I guess it wouldn't be.
There's a shuttlecraft
approaching, Captain.
- Do you want me to talk like
George Takei some more Mike? - No.
As you wish, Captain.
As you wish.
Recognize me now,
Ruth?
Place your hands above the rails.
They're magnetized.
And if your hands were metal,
that would mean something.
What?
There's an intercom system in the tubes.
You may converse as long as you're able to.
But it will be billed to your room,
so don't overuse it.
Now, raise your hand
if you want the hot wax
I hope you
both like sulfur!
Good luck!
Let me know what happens!
What do you know!
Mine smells like bacon!
Must feel like
they're inside a bong!
- Ruth?
- I farted.
Yes?
You okay?
And you?
Feel like
a new toothbrush.
So rub me in a
circular motion on your gums
Hey, a big Swedish
underarm crystal
Hey, keep it on the road!
We're in the tubes back here!
Uh, my contents
have shifted!
- Ruth
- I farted again.
Well, this ought to
kill them!
I am Metaluna.
Well, the Tangerine Dream
music is good.
It's Christy Turlington
and Kate Moss!
Oh gross!
I saw Cal's pubic bone!
Now you're playing
Simon!
Should I tell Ruth
she has an extra rib?
- Cal
- I farted.
Enemy-controlled sector. This is
master control awaiting instructions.
Bill, pick up line 4!
Jesus, what did
you do to them?
You'll energize only as necessary.
Conserve power.
Avoid contact with enemy until
safety of ship is endangered.
Make big money at home!
Sharpen saws, and earn extra cash.
You didn't see my skeleton,
did you?
Uh, you might want to wait
a minute before opening Cal's up
Did you have Kenny G
playing in your tube?
Come away from
the nasty man.
You'll feel stronger
in a few moments.
I feel safe with you Brack.
You have a gentle touch.
Now I know you both feel as though
you could sleep for at least a thousand years,
But then you'd miss observing
our approach to Metaluna,
And with your curiosity, you'd
never forgive me for that.
You know, our chair technology
is light years ahead of yours.
Quiet everyone!
All My Children is on.
Hey, Laser Floyd, cool!
Observer,
a closer view.
View in third quadrant.
Contact in two time periods.
This planet should comb
its hair over its bald spot.
View in second quadrant.
Contact in one time period.
You know, that's one butt-ugly
planet you guys come from.
View in first quadrant
at ionization wave.
Ew, it's Michael Stipe's head!
What you're observing may well be
the beginning of the end... for our world.
Well, I hope so!
The Zahgon meteors are beginning
to get through our ionized layer.
That haze, a feeling
of intense radiation.
As you can well imagine,
such a screen requires...
the output of great
amounts of atomic energy.
And you're running out.
That's why you were sent to Earth.
And why you sent for us.
You need uranium.
In gigantic quantities.
Our own deposits are exhausted.
As our power diminishes,
our protection fails.
But, uh, we do have a very
active theater community!
What kind of shithole
planet is this?
That's enough.
Normal view.
Normal view.
Normal view.
Normal view!
Normal view!
Entering ionized layer.
Hey, they're landing in
Tommy Chong's backyard.
Oh, my washer load
is off-balance!
Looks like Dr. Seuss
designed their planet.
They're flying into a
Roger Dean album cover.
They're very into Yes
in this planet.
International flights always get
the gate furthest from the terminal.
Remember, we're parked
in the Denubrian Slime Devil lot.
Hey, Prince's bedroom.
Looks like the stalls
are all taken.
Welcome, Exeter. Observed your flight.
Almost counted you lost.
Your Earth creatures.
Dr. Adams,
Dr. Meacham.
I've given them as much
indoctrination as possible.
Then you know that shortly...
we can expect Zahgon to commence
and sustain an all-out attack.
Our ionization layer must be maintained
until our relocation is effected.
Relocation?
To where?
Shut your gob,
small-head.
To your Earth.
Oh, I can see th...
hey!
A peaceful relocation.
After the genocide,
of course.
Do you still insist, Exeter,
that we can allow any of these
Earth creatures to have free minds?
I do.
No... Yes...
Whatever you think!
I know them.
I've partied
with them.
- I've lived with them.
- You have wasted our time.
- Thank you! - Take them
to the thought transference chamber.
Yes, you all-high toilet hog.
Please come with me. I'm afraid
you have no choice.
Okay. Bye bye!
Nice hannukah bush, by the way!
Ah, I see their
Patriots don't work either.
Our Zahgon friends seem to be hitting this
prime sector quite regularly.
Uh, yeah?
Is that where it is?
In there?
Uh, golly, those doggone Zahgons are
really licking us, huh?
Well, let's go get your
brains scrambled.
My mind is my own and
nobody's gonna change it.
Go, girl!
- I'm not going into that room!
- Nobody is. Come on!
Leona Helmsley!
I'm sorry.
I'd hoped to have prepared you somewhat
beforehand. This is a mutant.
We have been bringing them
here for ages to do menial work.
Why?
Thhey're similar to insect life
on your own planet.
Larger, of course, with a
higher degree of intelligence.
This one has been given orders to
guard this corridor as long as we're here.
Oh, mommy!
I beg of you, go inside.
Cooperate voluntarily.
I give you my word you will not be harmed
or your minds changed in any way.
- You'd defy the Monitor?
- I already have!
Do you believe him, Cal?
In this place,
I wouldn't believe my grandmother.
Is he wearing slacks?
Oh boy.
The kingdom!
Oh sure. Go on. Run.
Just because you have a skull.
The Jetsons 2:
After the Armageddon.
- The travel car! Come on!
- Where are we going?
The spaceship.
It's safer there.
Don't you understand?
Let it happen now.
Reeeally?
Meacham!
Ruth!
I love you!
Stand back, Exeter.
Meacham, believe me,
I want to help you.
You're holding
a mutant turd!
Time is short.
Get into the car!
Go ahead.
Move that baby seat.
I kind of live
out of my travel cart.
This is what went on in
Salvador Dali's head.
Now, I swear we parked on
level C, just right next to...
Oh, shit.
He appears badly hurt.
Stay close to me.
Guten Tag! Sie greten?
Wie wollen eine Auto mieten!
Stand back.
I command you:
stand back!
Acting!
Well, that seemed
to go rather well.
I don't see what could
possibly go wrong...
- Cal!
- No, you do it! Leave me alone!
Uh, I'll get coffee.
Oh, I'm very vulnerable there!
Oh, there goes the piano lessons!
Ah, I can't remember
my dad!
Oh, come on
you big blowed.
When in Chicago, visit
the Museum of Science and Industry.
- Are you badly hurt?
- I'll be all right.
Close off all hatches.
Control room, quick!
Everyone picks on that
one weak spot of my exoskeleton!
You dinks.
You crushed my nads.
Hey! The floors look great.
I'm all right.
And if you don't mind
I've been waiting all day for this.
Oh no, Tinkerbell's goin' down!
Pull up Tink!
That may be
the last of them.
But probably it isn't.
Yes, they're concentrating
all their attention on Metaluna.
Those flashes of light...
they're meteors.
Hundreds of them.
The intense heat is turning Metaluna
into a radioactive sun.
The temperature must be
thousands of degrees by now.
Cooler by the lake.
- A lifeless planet.
- Yes, yes.
And yet
Rents are
reasonable.
...it's still serving
a useful purpose, I hope.
- Yes, a Sun...
- Yes, yes.
warming the surface
of some other world,
giving light to those
who may need it.
Still, your whole family died.
That's a bummer, huh?
Now, into
the converter tubes.
Uh, your liver is beginning
to stick out there.
You might wanna tuck it back in.
- Ruth, you take the first tube.
You, the next. - What about you?
I'll use the third tube.
Oh, right. Sure.
Stupid question. Sorry.
Well. One weird day,
huh?
Captain's log:
A bunch of our ship fell off and...
nobody likes me.
Cal and Exeter
wake and bake everyday. Woo!
Will our Mystery Guest enter
and sign in please?
It's the manager here?
Hello?
I hear you, ma'am.
Walls melting for you, too?
I didn't mean to scare you.
I'm just looking for the can.
Say, where did you
get those cute pants?
Oh, hey.
My grandma's legs.
Exeter, are these tubes
strong enough to keep him out?
Possibly.
- Well, no.
- He's bleeding badly.
In a very few moments,
the pressure should destroy him.
Shall I compare thee to a
summer's d oh...
Okay. Hold it together.
Rise above it. Suck it up.
You gotta cut me Mick!
Cut me!
And I busted a zit
on my shoulder. Great!
Run, Ruth, run!
Brilliant strategy.
Thanks, Napoleon.
Oh, I've ought
to do something.
What are you stuck up?
Too high and mighty for the Mutant, huh?
C'mon!
Give Uncle Scrotor a hug!
Not since Ted Kennedy
in a Barney suit!
- Oh, I stood up too fast!
- Ugh, he squirted.
Thank God I saved you.
Ah, I fell on my keys.
Yes, go away, you bad monster,
you'll get more of the same!
Self-cleaning mutant.
Leaves only the fresh
scent of pine.
Oh, we'll get you another one.
Raspberry World, for all your
raspberry needs. Off the beltway.
Hey, check this out!
Baywatch is on.
- Ah, just like we left it.
With the USA in charge. - Yes!
I think maybe we should
slow down a little?
Our speed is diminishing.
We're now in the
atmosphere of Earth.
Your plane is where you left it:
in the cargo hold.
I think.
A conventional way for you
to return to Earth, I admit,
At least you've got a planet.
but perhaps
the most practical.
May your forehead grow
like the mighty oak.
Where are
you going?
I'm fine.
I'll just kick around here.
Our universe is vast,
full of wonders.
I'll explore.
Yeah, that's it!
Perhaps find another Metaluna,
a place inhabited by beings
not unlike myself.
Maybe get a house,
with some guys... I don't know...
You see, I'm more adventurous
than you imagined me.
- Exeter...
- You dog...
- ...you're a liar.
- ...and I hate you.
You've used all your power
bringing us here.
Even if you had a place to go,
you couldn't make it.
I'll gas up in
Des Moines.
Come with us.
We'll heal your wounds.
No, Ruth, no. Ixnay!
I'm afraid my wounds
can never be healed.
You've things
to teach us.
Recipes to share.
Thank you.
We're over your Earth now.
It's time for you to go. Farewell.
I'm just dropping you at the
North Pole. Is that alright?
Ex... call, okay?
I mean that.
No, no. Go on, you kids.
I'll just be on the way. I'm fine.
You probably don't have
a spare room anyway,
Do you?
Yo, right back at ya!
Go. Go, go, go.
Come on. Go.
Oh, so that's what
a colon looks like!
Captain's log: I've lost
my toupee and girdle...
and I can't leave my room.
Y'know, I hope they land
right on Kenny Loggins.
Okay. Hands on ten and two;
check space cushion; pull out in the aah!
Oh great! Brack
siphoned our gas!
Oh, Carl...
Cal.
Oh, Cal...
- Home.
- Thank God it's still here...
...and friday!
Hell, let's hangar
this baby in then.
Spock!
Let's see how many
times I can skip this thing!
Nope. Pay no attention to me.
I'm just a weather balloon.
Just some swamp gas.
"Service engine soon."
I wonder what that's all about.
A giant flaming hat was
seen over the coast tonight...
Exeter thought he could squeeze
one more trip to earth out of this jalopy.
I'll always love you, Br Aah!
That's going to put your
panfish down for a while.
Exeter died on impact. Brack was arraigned
in superior court, county of Los Angeles.
In a moment,
the results of that trial.
This Island Earth!
That movie was a breeze!
I dig those crazy
Metalunians, Mike.
The movie is over.
The experiment is complete.
And... if my calculations
are correct...
Adjust for pi.
Mike's will should be broken
just about now.
Broken?
- Hey Mike, your spirit feeling broken?
- Heck no. We're fine, Dr. Forrester.
In fact, we're just hailing ourselves
a little Metaluna mix there.
Just call me Ruth, Mike!
Hey, check me out! I'm just like
one of your insects. Larger, of course.
Come on, everybody!
Make with the smoke, man!
So, you're having a party, eh?
Well, every party
needs a pooper!
Hey, look at that. Dr. Forrester's gone.
Alright. Now we'll
never get back to Earth!
Hey, wait a minute.
I don't know why people
leave during the credits.
- I always stay for the credits!
- Yeah, me too.
This is Orson Welles.
A good cast deserves another mention.
In the event that the first assistant director
is unable to fulfill her duties...
Bix Skahill and his big band!
Two Brantsegs in one film.
What are the odds?
Puppet wranglers. There
weren't any puppets in this movie?
And Dale Mather as
the Beaver.
- Oh, I love Triskos, with Espinosa.
- Oh, and a little Herget down 'em...
- In the event that the first assistant camera
is unable to... - Okay, alright.
Hey, they're on the blue line. They're over
the blue line. Oh, nice assist by Brad Keely!
Come on down to L. Marie Ford.
Free hotdogs, and balloons for mom.
Linda Froiland. Isn't she in
Babes in Froiland?
- Andrea "Action Jackson" DuCane.
- That's good.
Julie Walker, Texas Ranger.
- In the event that the assistant production
coordinator... - Okay, enough. - Sorry!
The winner, and still phorographer,
Mickey Kienitz.
So there's one guy who
just grinds out keys all day?
- The Amazing Rando! - Watch Rando the Great
construct sets with his very mind!
No, we've never met
before, have we?
Craft services will be held at
10 am, Tuesday.
- Kurt "Band-Aid" Gensmer.
- Dan "Contusion" Dustin.
- Jim "Heart Attack" Robinson.
Oh, yeah. These are the guys that just sit in basement rooms
and figure out ways to make elves disappear.
Avelino Deleon,
brother of Ponce.
Here's Avelino in his rear-engined Lotus
followed by Jaquilin Zietlow in a Ferrari.
We recorded at
Sync S-s-s-o-o-u-u-n-d.
- Excuse me, Magic Film and Video, but Rando will do
all the magic on this film. - That "Rando" stuff kills me.
Uh, yeah. Bill Schwab. He's the guy that goes
around attributing his own faults to other people.
Oh, right. The "projectionist."
"I Sing the Additional Grip Electric."
So, if you pick something up once,
you're considered a grip.
And now we're just seeing guys
who drove by the studio one afternoon.
We'd like to thank the people of St. Paul, who are,
in alphabetical order, Anderson, Aaron, Anderson, Alan...
Energy Park, providing a safe place
for energy to play.
This week at Energy Park, flugelhorn demonstration
and magic by The Amazing Rando!
As long as we're thanking the whole entire world,
I'd like to thank a guy I know named Earl.
Eastman. He came out of the east
to do battle with The Amazing Rando!
All rights are reserved, Callahan.
Oh, yeah, well how about the
rights of that little girl?
Country of first publication:
United States of America. Offer void in Utah.
Children under 12, employees and their families
are prohibited from taking part in this contest.
If not fully satisfied with this film,
please return unused portions for a full refund.