Naked (2017) Movie Script

(pop music playing)
(man)All right, settle down, settle down.
Yes, I know. They're both great books.
So, my question is:
which one do you like better?
Catcher in the Rye, for sure.
Holden Caulfield's a pimp.
- (class snickering)
- (man) No.
Iceberg Slim is a pimp.
Holden Caulfield is a spoiled rich kid
from the Upper East Side
who goes to a fancy prep school.
Sound familiar?
Uh, what about you, Mr. Anderson?
Well, my dad's not
a billionaire Wall Street CEO,
and if he is, he owes my mom a whole lot
of back child support.
- (laughing)
- So I'm partial to Lord of the Flies.
I don't think Holden Caulfield
would last a week on this island.
He'd be running around like a little punk,
wishing for this nightmare to be over.
- (laughing)
- Kind of like a substitute teacher.
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
- (laughing)
Well played, Max.
You know, the good news is
you have a very bright academic future
ahead of you.
The bad news is,
you're probably gonna be a virgin
till you're 35 years old.
(school bell rings)
All right, class, that's a wrap.
Anderson, out.
(girl) Bye, Mr. Anderson.
Bye, sweetheart, take it easy. Later, man.
Saved by the bell, huh?
Principal Mellon, hey.
You definitely have a way
with the students, Rob.
Kids, for some reason,
I connect with them.
It's probably our love of Rihanna
and the occasional acne flare-up.
Listen, Ms. James' stint in rehab
is gonna go a bit longer than expected...
Okay, yeah, well, crack'll do that to you.
I've got a full-time position.
Love to talk to about it...
Let me stop you right there.
I'm good for a couple days a week,
but I can't commit
to anything more than that.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm getting married tomorrow.
I have an Uber waiting outside,
and I don't want
to mess up my five-star rating.
- Think about it.
- Thank you.
- (elevator bell dings)
- Baby, it's me.
I don't know if you got my messages.
I'm in the terminal.
- I'll see you soon. Whoa!
- Hey!
(grunts) Oh! Excuse me.
Ah! (groans)
Excuse me. Whoo!
Hey. Hi. Rob Anderson.
I'm on Flight 1492 to Charleston.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, sir.
The doors to that flight are closed.
Well, can't you open them?
I mean, it's doors, that's what they do.
They open and close. (laughs)
Ah! I can get you
on a flight for tomorrow.
No, no, no, I can't go tomorrow.
I need to be there today.
I get married tomorrow.
I am sorry, sir. Our last flight out today
is completely booked.
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
Attention, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Rob Anderson.
I'm willing to do unspeakably desperate
and nasty things
for a plane ticket
on the next flight to Charleston.
(woman) How desperate?
Um... Anything short of a felony.
Well, do you have cash?
No, but I do have
this first-generation iPhone.
Well, you're not exactly dazzling me
with options here.
I have been known
to be a pretty tender lover.
Ooh. Well, I'm gonna need a sample
of your work.
(crowd murmuring)
- Hi, beautiful.
- Hi.
- How was that?
- (chuckles)
I got your messages.
We're on the next flight out.
- Yes! See, that's why I'm marrying you.
- You are lucky you just got here.
You know, I was really mad
about two glasses of wine ago.
I have a very good excuse.
See, I was securing our financial future.
(groans) You're late
because you were playing the lotto.
Baby, you got to be in it to win it.
Hey, I got you something.
You know, at one point,
you described that as a rainbow exploding
in your mouth.
Now, there's a lot of different ways
I can go with that,
but I'm just gonna stick to,
"They're yummy."
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Right now, I'm just happy you're here.
I had a really tough day.
Oh, what happened? Did your daddy
buy some mom-and-pop company
and has to fire everybody
so he ain't gonna make the wedding?
- You wish.
- I do!
No, I had to tell a six-year-old
that she has a tumor in her stomach
and needs surgery.
- Oh, babe, that's terrible.
- But she's gonna beat it for sure.
Yeah, she's gonna beat it. You know why?
'Cause she's got the best doctor
in New York City.
Oh, scratch that.
She's got the best doctor in the galaxy.
Assuming there are space doctors
out there on some undiscovered planet.
Stop it. Wait, how was school?
- It was good.
- Yeah?
Yeah, I didn't save nobody's life,
but Mellon offered me a full-time gig.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That's great, baby!
You are an amazing teacher.
Thank you.
What took us so long to do this?
Uh, probably because it took you
seven years to ask.
You know, a part of me
thought you'd never propose.
it's like my favorite Justin Bieber song.
- "Never Say Never."
- Oh, yeah.
Or my second favorite
Justin Bieber song...
- "Sorry."
- That was a good one.
(Rob chuckles)
- Would you look at the flowers!
- Yeah, it's nice.
Oh, look at that one. It's beautiful.
- Hey, my man!
- What's up?
- Excuse me for one second.
- Oh, hi.
- What's up, man?
- What's up, buddy?
Hey, real quick,
did you know your mother sang back up
for The Gap Band on the Humpin' Tour?
Yeah, I think
she missed my birthday that year.
- First of many.
- Robbie, baby! (chuckles)
- Hey, Mama.
- Listen.
I was just about to tell Benjamin
about the time I was singing
with Rick James in 1984.
It was a lot of cigarettes,
Johnnie Walker Black,
and it involved a basement!
There's my beautiful baby girl.
- Daddy, hi!
- Hi, baby. Oh.
- Wow, you made it.
- Yes!
- How are you, sir? Good...
- You're late.
Yeah, we had a rough start.
But I think the worst part is behind us.
What Rob didn't tell you
is that he got a job offer today.
- Really?
- Larkin Prep wants him to teach full-time.
Oh, now, that's nice.
You're getting married,
working for the man,
like a productive member of society.
Yeah, but I didn't say I was gonna accept.
You know, the hours, from eight to three,
and then you have to stay behind
and grade papers.
Sounds like backbreaking work.
Rob is just so amazing with those kids.
They love him.
I mean,
he is going to make a great father.
And I cannot wait for the grandbabies.
Maybe we'll just wait a while
for the kids.
We'll just enjoy marriage, right?
You ordered the wrong font
for the programs.
I expect you to pick up the new ones
first thing tomorrow.
Okay. It's not like I have
anything important to do, right?
And, Rob, this is your wedding rehearsal.
You could at least wear a jacket.
- It is a jacket.
- It's a sweater.
it's kind of like a jacketed sweater.
It's a "swacket."
A swacket.
Dad, uh, where is Vicky?
Oh, she's checking you guys in
because Rob was so late.
We're all just trying to make this
the perfect wedding for you.
If only your mother were here.
Dad, I know, but she is here. She's here.
(phone ringing)
Oh, I have to take this.
An investor group is planning
a hostile takeover of my company,
on this of all weekends.
You kids start without me. Hello?
What do you got? You're kidding me!
Is he really gonna miss the rehearsal?
It's okay.
I am the daughter of Reginald Swope.
- I'm used to it. Hi!
- Hi.
All right, loving family, let's rehearse.
- (Rob) Thank God we are here.
- (Ben) Yes.
Did I ever tell you that I love you,
but I hate your driving?
- Why, 'cause I know how to drive?
- You're terrible.
Yeah, whatever. I'm terrible.
Did you hear Megan's dad going on and on
about the programs?
Yes, and you need to tighten up, man,
because it's my responsibility
to make sure you handle your business.
What are you even talking about?
It's a fact that the best man
has his pick
of the single ladies at the wedding.
I don't want you making me look bad.
You don't need me.
You make yourself look bad.
Look at that Afro.
It's not coming back the third time.
You know what?
Just give me the ring. Come on.
Oh, ring... Uh...
Uh, must've packed it in the bag.
Megan told me you skipped out
on dance lessons, okay.
It's the first dance, man.
It means a lot to her, so lock it in.
Do you know I'm a natural dancer?
You know, my pop-lock is on fleek.
You know... Bah, bah!
All right.
Listen, how are your vows looking?
- I got 'em.
- Because you memorized 'em?
- Oh, no. I'm gonna wing it.
- Come on.
This is your wedding, man.
You can't just go half-ass it
like you do everything else in life.
Come on, you just can't do it...
Here comes Vicky. How do I look?
Like the Fat Albert kids went
to prep school.
Do I look nervous?
- Yeah, you look nervous.
- I do?
Boys. Here are your keys.
- And a porter will be out for your bags.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Vicky.
- Hey.
You look...
So, what is your policy
on wedding party relations?
Because I am so into that.
That's wonderful.
I would get more pleasure
from a plastic man doll.
So, you want me to bring the toys?
(clears throat)
That was "no."
Congratulations, sir.
This must be the lucky lady.
- (Vicky) Oh, no.
- Oh, hell no. No!
- No, we tried that once.
- Just once.
It was weird. It was like hell,
if hell was really cold and wet,
like your grandma's moldy basement
after a bad flood.
- (engine revs)
- Hold up, is that Cody?
What is Megan's handsome, successful
ex-boyfriend doing here?
Nice car.
I was waiting for it to transform.
- What the hell are you doing here?
- Is that a cardigan?
- (women chattering)
- Holy shit.
She's gotten hotter.
(Cody) Hey, babe!
(chattering and laughing)
- Yes, ma'am.
- Uh, what are you doing here?
Oh... there we go.
Your father made me his plus one.
Yeah, the old man gave me my start.
When he calls, I come running.
Made it sound
like Rob wasn't gonna show up.
Thought I might have to step in, so...
I brought a tux.
It's Armani.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'll be wearing a suit.
- Also Armani.
- (mouthing)
All right, let's get this party started!
All right, bachelorettes, in the bus.
Let's go.
All right, have fun. Good night!
Huh, Rob? Huh?
(Rob) Yeah. Good night.
Your dad's always full of surprises, huh?
What's next, prom date?
I'm sorry, babe.
You know, we haven't had time
to spend with each other.
Well, you know what's good?
The fact that you have the rest
of your life to make it up.
But what happens if I gain 50 pounds,
my hairline starts receding?
- Ooh.
- I stop making you smile.
I can deal with the bald head
and some love handles,
but you're gonna have to work
to make me smile.
(Rob) Hmm.
That's the easy part.
(laughs) It is!
I can't wait to see you tomorrow
in your tux, babe.
And you're gonna look beautiful
in your dress.
Oh, thank you.
(Rob) Bye!
- Bye!
- (Rob) Be safe.
All right.
See, now that woman
deserves a great wedding.
Yes, she does.
- You got a lot on your plate, Rob.
- Yeah.
- You sure you don't wanna stay in?
- Is the wedding tonight?
One drink won't kill us.
(church bells ring)
Bye-bye, love
- (pounding)
- (mumbles)
Christ, for the love of God,
stop building shit!
(man) Hey, did you hear that?
(man) Hang on, buddy! I'm coming!
What in the hell?
(man) All right. I think we got it.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, no, we don't.
No, we don't got it.
Guys! I'm gonna need
just a little more time in here!
Everybody, y'all just take the next one!
Ocupado! Ocupado!
(elevator bell dings)
(crowd gasps)
Oh! Oh!
You know what? Screw it.
I've been waiting for 20 minutes.
Are you in or out, guy?
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
(man laughing)
Hi. Hi.
(woman) Hi.
- Hi.
- Excuse me, sir, you're naked.
Yeah. Um, listen, I need a room key.
I'm sorry,
but I didn't hear what you said.
I'm trying not to look at your junk.
(Rob) Okay, I need a room key.
- Thank you.
- Please.
- Oh, thank you.
- Name?
Rob Anderson.
I don't see your reservation.
Check under Swope.
Nothing under Swope, either.
- I'm in room 412.
- No, you're not.
- (stammers) Wait. Please, don't do that.
- Get security.
Listen, can I just use your phone, please?
Thank you. You are an angel.
Why should I feel
- Why should the shadows...
- (cell phone vibrating)
This is Benny.
Hey, listen, I need you
to come downstairs to the lobby
and tell Cadbury McPocketsquare
that we have eight rooms in the hotel.
You're still at the hotel?
Yeah, where are you?
I am at the church.
You're at the what?
Boy, you did not go
to my wedding without me!
Dude, you weren't in your room, man.
I know, because I was stuck
in an elevator!
Wait, what?
Listen, I just need you
to come down here and get me
before everybody notices I'm gone.
Hey, Rob, I got something to tell you,
and I don't think you're gonna be
too jazzed up about it.
Did you pick up the programs?
Okay, two things.
Come on, Benny. I only gave you one job!
Dude, they weren't open, man.
So I kind of just came on down
to the church,
and the ceremony
kind of just started, man.
- No, no, it didn't.
- Yes, it did.
Look, I'm not saying it's ruined.
- Only half the guests have left so far.
- (groans)
But the mood up in here
is like menopause and PMS had a baby.
All right?
Plus, your mom over there playing...
I sing
Because I'm free
just a bunch of gospel songs.
No, tell me you're lying.
Man, look, she played "Amazing Grace"...
Oh, no!
"Swing Low, Sweet Chariot."
Next on the playlist is
"What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
I ain't never heard so many slave songs
played back-to-back in my life.
It's so bad, Rob.
I wish we could trade places, man.
Yeah, I seriously doubt that
because I'm standing
in the hotel lobby completely naked.
- Buck-ass naked?
- Benny, this is not a joke.
Or course not, man. People are pissed.
All right, I'll be right there.
I'm supposed to be
at my wedding right now.
You seem like quite a catch.
Listen, I'm not going anywhere
until I get in my room.
I demand...
These gentlemen will be escorting you
off the premises.
I don't care who you get to...
Whoo! Whoo! (grunts)
- (woman shrieks)
- Oh, thank God. Housekeeping!
No... (squeals)
Listen. Listen.
I'm supposed to be at my wedding.
I am locked out of my room.
My wallet, my tux, everything's in there.
- Can you please let me in?
- (speaking Spanish)
Listen, I know the Palmetto Hotel
is supposed to be a really nice hotel,
but the service here is unacceptable!
(speaking Spanish)
It's the Mills House Hotel!
Uh-oh. Gracias.
Gracias. De Nada. (screams)
(gasps) Watch it! Move! Oh!
Ooh-ooh! What in the hell is this?
(man) Here comes Abdalla Tanui of Kenya,
rounding the corner
for the final quarter mile.
It's the Cooper River Bridge Run.
Have you been living in a cave?
No, New York.
They have clothes in New York?
Listen, brother, I need to get
to The Palmetto Hotel.
Oh, boy. Okay, okay, okay.
- (screams)
- (grunts)
Bro, that was a microbrew.
I am so sorry.
Oh, excuse me.
- Ah!
- I didn't mean to rub that on you.
Excuse me, sir. Do you have anything
I can wear? I'll take anything.
Excuse me, officers.
I'd like to report a pervert.
- I'm pretty sure that's not a crime.
- Thank God.
No, there's a man standing over there,
and he's completely naked.
That would be a crime.
- Damn streakers.
- Let's get to work.
- Let's get dirty.
- Good one.
Forget it! I'll pay you back!
(man) Uh-oh.
Looks like we have a newcomer...
who's lost his shorts!
But look at that guy go.
- (cheering and laughing)
- (camera shutters clicking)
(whimpers) Oh, shit.
(crowd gasps)
Well, well, well.
Mr. Anderson.
Mr. Ding-a-ling.
Your story checks out.
Your belongings are, in fact,
in room 412 at the Palmetto Hotel.
Thank you. So I can go?
No. You're still being charged
with unlawful entry
and shaking your Johnson at people.
What's your pre-game like?
You stretch beforehand or, you know,
just straight up get wasted?
Sir, I am not a streaker, okay?
I was just trying to get to my wedding.
You've been the victim of a serious crime.
This morning at 3:36 a.m.,
the elevator at The Mills House Hotel
was intentionally damaged,
trapping you inside.
So whoever put you
in there didn't want you to get out.
- Why would someone do that?
- Hey! We ask the questions.
- We here ask the questions.
- Why would somebody want to do that?
That's what we need to figure out.
Do you have any enemies, Rob?
- Somebody opposed to the wedding?
- Maybe a jilted lover?
In-laws you don't get along with?
Maybe somebody who feels,
I don't know, you're immature?
- Unreliable?
- Or both?
Um... Not... not that I know of.
I mean, you know, I mean...
Nobody threw us a party or anything,
but that doesn't mean much, right?
Yeah, okay, listen, guys,
I may be marrying up, okay?
- But I have my moments.
- We've seen your moments.
- Not pretty.
- We love each other.
And that's what counts. Right?
We'll be okay.
I hope we'll be okay.
Let me rephrase the question.
Do you know of anyone else,
other than yourself,
who doesn't think you're ready
to get married?
- No.
- (knock on door)
How's my little Meg-pie?
I've left Rob a dozen messages, Dad,
and nothing.
I'm really worried.
Sweetheart, the candles have burned out,
the doves escaped...
and the aroma down there
is getting... unhealthy.
Well, what are you saying?
Rob wouldn't just run out on me.
Something terrible must've happened.
- Well, maybe it's for the best.
- Are you serious?
He could be dead!
And that would be terrible,
but he'd want you to move on.
Look, sweetheart, I'm just saying
that you have so much to offer.
Thousands, probably millions of people
could make you just as happy.
Megan, what your father is saying
is that you deserve better than this.
You're a successful doctor.
He is a substitute teacher.
It doesn't even make sense.
Cody, you wanted me to leave medicine
so that I could be on-call
- for your stupid work events.
- Hmm.
Rob is actually proud of what I do.
He understands how much it means to me.
Daddy, Rob supports me in every way.
Except financially.
Did I just step into a time warp
and reemerge in the 1950s?
Okay, I just talked to Benny, and he said
that Rob called almost an hour ago.
What? Why didn't he call me?
- Hey, Cody.
- Lupe.
- It's Vicky, but... it's fine.
- (cell phone vibrating)
Rob, where are you?
- Well, I've been stuck in an elevator.
- What?
I swear to God, I've been stuck
in an elevator for the last eight hours.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Yeah, baby, I'm fine.
I just really wanted your wedding day
to be perfect.
It will be, once you're in it.
How soon can you get here?
Well... funny story!
- I managed to get arrested.
- For what?
Because I may have ran butt-naked
through the Bridge Run.
Rob, I don't understand.
I'm only sharing this with you
because it's gonna be on the news
at five, six, seven and 11.
- (church bells ringing)
- Are you not coming?
Megan, it's gonna be okay. I can fix this.
- Baby, I love you.
- (rumbling)
- Hello?
- Wait, Rob, I can't hear you.
- I said, "I love you!"
- (distorted) Rob?
Hello? Megan, did you feel that?
- Rob!
- What the...
- Hello?
- Megan!
I don't know what's happening!
(man) Hey, did you hear that?
- I think somebody's in there.
- (pounding)
(man) Hang on, buddy, were coming!
All right, I think we got it.
(elevator bell dings)
- (man 2) Finally!
- (scattered applause)
(man laughs)
You know what? Screw it. I have been here
for 20 minutes, so...
are you in or out, guy?
She sure looks happy...
That can't be right.
Excuse me, do you have the time?
(phone vibrates)
- This is Benny.
- Benny?
- Rob, where are you, man?
- I'm at the hotel. Where are you?
- I am at the church.
- Still?
What do you mean "still"?
Don't tell me you got cold feet, man.
Benny, where's Megan? Is she still there?
Yes, we're all here. Where are you?
I guess I'm on my way.
Okay, cool. Hey, listen...
- About the programs, I was...
- Negro.
Oh, my God, it's Brian McKnight!
- You're naked.
- Yeah, I know. It's crazy, right?
Especially 'cause you're the one
that does the panty-dropping song.
I write love songs,
and I'm kind of struggling with this one,
- so if you don't mind...
- Sorry. Go ahead. Do your process.
Man, I just wanna tell you,
man, I love your music. Oh!
I mean, my fiance,
she really loves your music.
Man, if you only knew
how many times we did it to your songs.
- Oh, man, you would feel creepy right now.
- I get the picture.
Hey, man, let me ask you,
how do you do that thing in the videos,
you know, when you got your shirt open
and your chest is greasy,
and the wind is blowing you,
and you're doing this right here?
- Man, I think that is incredible.
- (chuckles) Right.
You know, it really seems like me
and you are bonding.
I just wanna know if, um...
you could loan me your pants?
- I don't think that's such a good idea.
- No?
That's how you gonna do me?
Oh, I see, "Make fun of the naked guy."
You know what?
You should be ashamed of yourself.
(laughs) Hey, you are a strange dude,
but you just helped me write a hit.
So I'd like to help you out.
You should be ashamed of yourself
Yes, yeah, yeah
You should be ashamed of yourself
Did I write that?
You should be ashamed of yourself
Damn, he's good.
What the...
(phone ringing)
Yeah, so Benny said you called
nearly an hour ago.
Where are you?
- I just got to the hotel.
- Hotel? Rob, what is going on?
I don't know. Hey, Rob Anderson.
I need to get in my room. Thank you.
Oh, my God. You're going back
to your room. That is a bold move.
Vicky, I don't have time
for this right now, okay?
I'm having some serious issues!
What could be more serious
than missing your wedding?
The fact that we did this already?
That is called a "rehearsal."
You are unbelievable.
But I'm not surprised. I think
we all knew how this was gonna end.
I'm gonna need to see your ID, sir.
- It's in my room.
- Right.
You know this is why it didn't work out
between us, right?
Because you're not a man
and you never will be.
Wait, what are you even talking about?
I got kidnapped last night!
- "I got kidnapped last night." Wow.
- (church bells ringing)
Somebody's trying to sabotage my wedding,
and I'm gonna find out who it is.
That could be anybody, Rob. (laughs)
What's that loud ringing?
Ding, dong! Ding, dong! Ding, dong!
Those are church bells, you idiot.
Now, look, you're running out of time.
- You need to get here now.
- Oh, I'll be there.
See, told you it was me.
- Enjoy your stay, sir.
- Thank you.
- (grunts)
- Bye-bye, love
- (pounding)
- Oh, no.
No! No! No!
- (elevator bell dings)
- (applause)
(man) Finally.
- Ah!
- (crowd screams)
(man screams)
Watch it, crazy.
Bro, that was...
- A microbrew.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Right on, man.
Oh, my God.
Oh... What the hell? God!
Excuse me.
- Hey!
- I gotta go.
- (clears throat)
- (beeps)
Mom, I need your help.
Rob, where are you?
Do you know what time it is?
Mom, I'm freaking out. I'm butt-ass naked.
I'm 20 blocks from the hotel,
and I keep repeating the same hour
over and over again.
You naked... in public?
Yes! This is the worst day of my life,
and I can't get it to end.
Calm down, baby.
Now, you ain't got no clothes on?
I'm wearing a shopping bag.
Can you find some other trash
that you can make a shirt out of?
No, Mom,
all my stuff is back at the hotel.
- Well, go on back to the hotel then!
- I told you, I don't have time.
I have one hour,
and every time the church bells ring,
I get sent back to the...
Mom, put the pastor on.
All right, good talk.
Father Butterfield!
Psst. Phone!
- This is Father Butterfield.
- Yes, this is Rob, the groom.
Listen, I was wondering
if it's at all possible,
can you, like, not ring the church bells
for like a hour, an hour and a half?
Because I think the church bells
are sending me back in time.
Son, in our 208-year history,
we've never once missed the bells
or a wedding.
(scoffs) You mean to tell me
you never missed one wedding?
Like, not even for the plague?
- How can you account for that?
- Faith.
Or you are sending me back in time.
Well, not you, but, like... God.
- (church bells ringing)
- He's giving me a second chance.
We're booked till August.
If you're thinking about rescheduling...
Well, apparently I don't have to.
This wedding is happening!
So does that mean you're coming?
Maybe not to this one, but I'm coming.
Remember me?
- (pounding)
- Bye-bye, love
Bye-bye, happiness
- Okay.
- Hello, loneliness
- (exhales)
- (elevator bell dings)
(all) Oh!
(men grunting)
Hey, I just wanna say I'm sorry
about earlier. No hard feelings?
You don't even know, huh?
(camera shutter clicks)
All right, people, move out of my way.
Brother gotta go.
Hey, nerds, you guys got a skateboard,
some Heelys or something?
Hey, soccer mom. Ma'am, please.
No? Thank you.
Hey, sister, you got a bus pass, anything?
God damn.
Hi. Hi, ma'am, can you please help me?
What the hell?
Where's the keys? Oh, keys?
Keys? Where do you put keys on a bike?
You want to buy it a drink?
Hey... um...
I was just... checking out your bike.
I thought about getting a bike myself,
but you know,
my girl said it's too dangerous.
You know how old ladies are, right?
- Who he talking about?
- You calling my lady old, man?
No, not that you old.
You got a young face.
This dude knows what I mean. My man. Bra.
Oh, oh, oh!
- Oh, boy.
- Did he just knock down my bike?
- He knocked down the bike.
- No! It jumped. I didn't...
- No, I didn't do it.
- You didn't do it? You got some money?
Just this.
Eat it.
That's kind of unsanitary.
- I ain't eating...
- Eat it!
I think I got a half a dollar stuck
in my larynx.
(coughs and swallows)
Thank you.
You look like you got lost
on your way to the shower.
- I was just on my way to my wedding.
- (woman) He ain't gonna make it.
He ain't gonna make it, huh?
Well, you need a ride?
Are you serious? You would...
- You would do that for me?
- Yeah, of course.
You guys!
Yeah, I would love a ride. Thank you.
- Call an ambulance.
- An ambulance?
Okay, guys, please. Please! Please!
I got my ass kicked twice already. Twice.
It's his wedding day!
I think he need a shave!
I just want this to be over.
I spent the last six months talking
about locations.
By the way,
you have a very beautiful city.
- (screams)
- Hold him down like that, man!
She even made me take dance lessons!
Hey, let him up. I wanna see this.
Let him up!
Show me.
Sh... Sh... Show you what?
Our dance routine?
Well, I didn't really learn it.
I didn't think
it was terribly important at the time.
- (woman) Oh, no.
- What?
(Rob) Yeah.
- That's the centerpiece of the reception.
- All right. All right.
Come on, back up. Give him room now.
Give him room. Let him breathe.
Can I use your man right there?
I come up and... You first come up and...
Everybody dance now
- Slap it hard.
- (all) Oh!
Come here and you grab like this.
You my bitch. Okay, I lead, you follow.
And then, I come around like this here,
and I dip you.
But your big ass is too big to dip.
Bring you back up, and then I start
slow grinding 'cause it's our way.
- Come on, man!
- Come on! Just a slow grind!
And that leads you into the Running Man
like... Oh, oh, oh, oh!
And slide and pose.
And then I pull myself back up,
and then start pop-locking.
Bam! Bam! (exclaims)
Listen to my crowd when I pop like...
'cause it's so hard.
They start whopping
'cause black girls love to whop.
- Hey! Hey!
- Hey.
Then you show them your flexibility.
You be like... oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh!
After that, we all get in a circle like...
Work that body.
(Rob grunting)
Break it down.
Hey, cut that out, man!
You got me up here
doing a Bobby Brown dance.
- (woman) You don't.
- I don't dance!
No, you don't!
Okay, so, I may have missed
a few classes or two.
What you think, baby?
You think his old lady gonna like that?
I think she gonna kick his ass,
messing up that first dance.
It's disrespectful.
I'd like to see that.
- Let's ride!
- Really?
- Get your ass on the bike!
- Hey, but I ain't riding bitch!
- (man) Who you calling "bitch"?
- Unless you want me to. (chuckles)
Let's go!
We got this. We got this.
We got it, baby!
(grunts) No!
(screams, grunts)
(siren wailing)
(tires screeching)
- Okay.
- What happened?
- You hit a barricade at 40 miles an hour.
- Where am I?
- All right, what's your name?
- It's Rob. Rob Anderson.
And, Rob, can you tell me what day it is?
It's my wedding day. It's my wedding day.
I gotta get ready. I'm getting married
right there at that church!
- You're suffering from a concussion.
- No!
The only thing you're marrying today
is a catheter.
- No. I gotta get to my wedding!
- I got a better idea.
You take five more CCs of Ativan.
- No. No. No! (screams)
- Rob!
I want you to keep reaching out
to shareholders.
Give them what they want,
but do it quietly.
I don't want this getting leaked
before we announce next week.
All right?
Anderson, what happened? Are you drunk?
I'm not drunk.
I'm on drugs.
- Ugh.
- (heaves)
Oh, God. Did you just puke coins?
Would you look at that? A bicentennial.
You know, these are worth a lot of money.
You keep that for me.
I don't get it.
In what world did she pick you over me?
I made a hundred mill last year.
You made a hundred mill?
I should fucking rob you.
Why are you dressed
like some Vegas housewife,
with your gross, busted up arm?
Seriously, is that thing real?
What are you talking about? This...
- That's pretty broken.
- Yeah, it looks like a Krazy Straw.
It kind of does. Look at...
It's not really a straw.
Watch this.
- Oh, no! No!
- (screams)
(laughs) I can't feel a thing!
You know, that girl has been dreaming
about this day her entire life,
and this is...
(sighs) what you're bringing to the table?
You're so right.
She's not gonna marry me
looking like this.
I just want a hug.
Look, showing up is half the battle.
The other half is pants.
Go home and put some pants on,
for God's sakes. Go! (snaps fingers)
Come on.
I... I see what's going on here.
You want me to waltz on out of here
so that I can miss my wedding, huh?
Oh, yeah, because your little plot...
to leave me trapped inside the elevator...
blew up in your...
Whoo, I am high.
First of all,
that sounds like a terrible plan,
and second,
I have three women who can confirm
I was in my hotel room
with them all night.
Third, if I wanted to ruin your wedding,
I'd just let you walk in there right now.
Which I just realized
would be absolutely perfect.
- Come on, let's go get you married.
- I don't...
- Here we go.
- I don't wanna get married.
Just gonna walk right in.
- (church bells ringing)
- Wait, hold on! It's the wedding bells!
Ah, thank God!
- (pounding)
- Bye-bye, love
- Bye-bye, happiness
- I need pants.
(elevator bell dings)
- Hey! Call an ambulance!
- Why?
Ah! (sighs)
- (exhales)
- Yes! Whoo! My man's in the house!
- Come on, everybody, give it up!
- (cheering)
(man shouting) Rob! Rob!
(whispers) Don't ask, just...
These are tight.
- (Ben) What you got on?
- I'm adjusting this.
It goes over to the side. That's weird.
("Bridal Chorus" playing)
- Aw, come on, brother.
- No, just pull it back, pull it down.
- I can't.
- Pull it down. Okay, stop that hurts.
Okay. Just relax.
Yeah, that ain't got room for that. Okay.
I'll be right back.
Aw, baby...
Baby, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I just grabbed
the first thing I could find.
It just needs to be taken out in the back,
just a little bit.
- Oh, I'm gonna take it out in the back.
- (stammers)
(crowd gasps)
Baby, I think we're going to the cleaners.
- Daddy, no!
- (church bells ringing)
If you're gonna show up in that,
then don't show up at all.
(screams, grunts)
If you're gonna show up in that,
then don't show up at all.
I've tried everything:
smart corduroy, seersucker,
a Nehru jacket.
- What do you want from me?
- I want you to be somebody else.
Megan is the only daughter I have.
I didn't raise her alone,
put her through medical school
just to watch some lazy, thoughtless loser
come along and screw it up.
Let's face it...
you don't like me because I'm not
a fancy businessman like you or Cody.
I don't dislike you for who you are, Rob.
It's that you have no goals,
no ambition, no career.
I'm a substitute teacher.
Robert, marriage is not a part-time thing.
I built a multinational company
from the ground up,
and the toughest job I ever had
was being a husband.
I'm talking long hours, overtime...
and we didn't take summers off.
When I gave this ring to Megan's mother,
I promised to give her everything I had.
That I'd never stop proving myself to her,
and that I'd never, ever stop loving her.
This ring symbolizes that promise.
It's very simple, son.
You gotta put in the work.
You're just not that guy.
I wish my daughter would see that.
You know, you're really protective
of your daughter.
- There's nothing I wouldn't do for her.
- Nothing?
Not even kidnapping?
Someone abducted me
from my hotel room last night
because they didn't wanna see me
at the wedding.
Now, I'm just curious, Mr. Swope,
what's your alibi?
Let me see, Rob.
If I wanted to end your relationship,
I probably would've done it
before blowing my money
on a wedding we didn't even have!
Good point.
- (Cody clapping)
- (church bells ringing)
Nice suit, Favors.
What's that, like, a 40 regular?
40 long.
What are you, a medium?
(church bells ringing)
- (grunts, exclaims) Whoo!
- (car alarm blaring)
Not the Lambo.
(Rob whistling)
- Rob, what the...
- I need to borrow your suit.
I already gave you my girl,
I'm not giving you my suit.
You're gonna give me the damn suit.
- (grunts)
- (church bells ring)
- Knee!
- (elevator bell dings)
You're gonna give me that damn suit.
- (church bells ringing)
- Oh, yeah!
- (elevator bell dings)
- Knee!
Backhand! Ha ha! Jab?
(church bells ringing)
Oh, yeah!
- (elevator bell dings)
- Left, right, duck!
- (church bells ring)
- (elevator bell dings)
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Body punch, kick, duck!
- (Cody grunts)
- (Rob laughing)
How do you know what I'm gonna do?
How do you know
what I'm saying right now?
This is crazy!
Kumquat! Laser beam! Vagi...
How do you know?
Now you're gonna get really pissed off
and try and hit me.
But I'm gonna move
in five, four, three, two...
Left, body, backhand, uppercut,
cross, cross, left, right!
Whoo! Whoo!
Hook, chop, uppercut,
backhand, low, high!
- (grunts)
- That was new.
- Oh, yeah!
- (church bells ring)
- (elevator bell dings)
- (car alarm sounding)
- (clicks)
- (alarm stops)
(piercing sound)
Hey, Favors? Do you mind falling that way?
Somebody spilled Coke over there.
I would hate to get some on the suit.
Yeah, sure. No problem.
- Thanks, bud.
- Sure.
I told you I was gonna get that suit.
(Ben) Yes!
Whoo! My man is in the house!
Come on, y'all, make some noise!
(man) Yeah, Rob!
- Looks like we're finally ready.
- Mm-hmm.
("Bridal Chorus" playing)
- (kisses)
- (Megan laughs)
You forgot the programs.
(church bells ringing)
The programs?
Any specific font you want?
Arial, courier? Huh?
American typewriter?
How about some wingdings? Huh?
Comic sans?
And how about you walk a little faster
down the aisle?
("Bridal Chorus" playing)
- Uh, Megan really wanted candles.
- (sighs)
- (church bells ringing)
- (sighs)
- You got me.
- What?
("Bridal Chorus" playing)
Come here, you.
Now, we're ready.
You got the ring, right?
(church bells ringing)
- (both scream)
- Nooooo!
- Why you yelling?
- Shut up!
Hey, man.
Shut up!
Uh, do you have wedding rings?
- (shouts)
- (tires screech)
- (siren wailing)
- (tires screech)
Definitely substitute teacher salary.
But you can always upgrade
in a few years.
- Yeah.
- Maybe.
("Bridal Chorus" playing)
Where have you been, Rob?
- Oh, my God, baby.
- I'm okay. I'm okay.
Hey, we're here now.
- You ready?
- Yes.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
to witness the union of Robert J. Anderson
and Megan W. Swope in holy matrimony.
The bond this couple
makes today is sacred...
and should be entered into
with reverence and honor.
And now we come
to the portion of the ceremony
that holds great significance... the vows.
I understand you two
have written your own?
Megan, would you like to begin?
I once read,
"Happiness is only real when shared."
I didn't understand the depth
of that statement until I met you, Rob,
because you are the perfect man for me.
You love to go where life takes you,
and I am so grateful
that life brought you to me,
because I know that no matter
what our future brings,
we will have each other.
I love you...
so much.
That was beautiful.
- Robert?
- Huh?
Go ahead, whenever you're ready.
- Oh, it's my turn.
- Yeah.
- (exhales)
- (Megan chuckles)
Obviously, I love you very much.
Like, a lot.
Like a lot, a lot.
A lot.
And I'm just so happy
that I went on that date with Vicky...
(chuckles) Well...
because if I hadn't...
I would've never met...
her wonderful...
Is it hot in here?
- (crowd chuckling)
- (church bells ringing)
Can I? I'm just gonna...
I'll be right back, baby.
Okay. One sec.
Excuse me.
You are my lover and my guiding light.
(Rob) Oh, that's good. I'm gonna use that.
(groom) In your heart, I see my future.
In your eyes, I see hope.
(church bells ringing)
- In your ears, I whisper, "I love you."
- (clears throat) Excuse me?
Um... do you mind if you skip to the end?
I mean, you keep mentioning
these body parts.
- She's a big girl.
- (crowd gasps)
We gonna be here all day.
I didn't mean "big" in a bad way.
I bet you is warm.
(Rob grunts)
(elevator bell dings)
"I have for the first time found
what I can truly love."
- I found... you.
- (church bells ring)
You are my sympathy...
my better self...
my good angel.
I am bound to you... (kisses)
With a strong attachment.
I think you're...
A fervent...
a solemn passion,
conceived in my heart...
and it leans to you
and draws you to my center.
And spring of life, it...
your existence about you.
Kindling in pure...
powerful flame!
It fuses you
and me
into one.
(squeals) Brilliant!
Oh, my baby good, honey. My baby good.
Megan, will you have this man
to be your...
(crowd murmuring)
I'm sorry. Should we close the windows?
No. They're just birds.
Let's just leave the pigeons alone.
They're just playing.
- No, Rob, there's pigeons in the church.
- Yeah, I know, baby.
We'll worry about that later, okay?
Father, do your thing.
- Rob!
- Would you just leave the pigeons alone?
- (crowd gasps)
- Please, would you just, baby,
just leave the pigeons alone?
What is wrong with you?
I am running out of time!
Rob, take it easy, man.
You're ruining the mood.
I'm... ruining the mood?
I'm ruining the mood?
It's because of you, Benny,
I was late to my wedding!
You and I both know
that that's not accurate.
You know what happened to me last night.
Of course I do! We just hung out!
(whispers) Shut your ass up.
You gonna tell me what happened to me
last night, Benny! What happened?
Oh, man! Get off me, man!
I gotta take this suit back tomorrow!
- Just make sure this tag's still...
- Tell me, Benny, what happened!
You went home with a girl.
(crowd gasps)
(Ben) All right?
I did?
Rob, is this true?
I don't... I don't... I don't know.
No. You know what?
You're done, Othello. We're gonna go.
(Megan sobs)
Megan. Megan. Megan.
- Oh!
- (crowd gasps)
I believed in you, Rob,
when no one else did.
I will never forgive you!
Cody, uh, you gonna mess up your suit.
(crowd gasps)
- Oh, yeah!
- (church bells ringing)
(Rob's mother) Fire!
Everybody, remain calm!
Please go to the exits
in an orderly fashion!
(crowd clamoring)
Ah! I'm gonna kill you! God damn it!
Kill you!
I'm gonna kill you!
Why are you doing this to me,
you stupid bell?
Don't hurt my bells!
Oh, God.
I'm so tired of you, you stupid bell!
Bye-bye, happiness
This has to end!
(man) Hey, did you hear that?
- Shut up!
- (elevator bell dings)
(knock on door)
Rob! Oh, God.
Baby, how did you get up here?
I'm not gonna lie,
it took a couple of tries.
I can't believe you're here.
I was so worried about you.
(gasps) Oh, my God. You're not supposed
to see me before the wedding.
It's bad luck.
Where's your tux?
Megan, come here. Sit.
Listen, baby.
You know I love you
more than anything, right?
But it just seems no matter what I do,
I just can't get anything right.
Baby, what are you talking about?
You're here.
- Let's do this.
- No, it's not about the wedding.
I'm talking about the rest of our lives.
I don't have a career, any goals.
Maybe I'm not husband material.
Is this about my dad?
I mean, baby,
since when do you care what he thinks?
I know, but, baby, it's not just your dad,
it's everybody down there
thinks you're making a big mistake.
And I think they're right.
I feel like such a fool.
It's not about you.
Of course it's about me!
Oh, God, I had faith in you, Rob.
I sat here, patiently waiting,
waiting for you to to come around!
I defended you to everyone
who said that you would never grow up
and that you would never get it together!
Don't you understand?
I should have known.
I should have known
when you missed our flight
to buy a lotto ticket.
In marriage,
you have to be in it to win it, Rob.
You were never in it, ever!
Megan, I really do love you. I...
Just not enough to pull through
when it counts the most.
Just... please go.
Just leave. Leave!
I don't want you to see me cry.
I don't care which one! Just go.
Just go.
Just go.
- (elevator bell dings)
- Bye-bye...
(man) Finally!
- (man) No. No. No. No.
- (man 2) Wait a minute.
(camera shutter clicks)
(Rob sighs)
And I grabbed him by the throat
just like that.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry, man.
- Come on.
Sorry. Forgive me.
I need love, love
To ease my mind
I need to find, find
Someone to call mine
But Mama said you can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take
You can't hurry love...
- (crashes)
- (screams)
She said just...
- No.
- (elevator bell dings)
- I just want to see tomorrow!
- (elevator bell dings)
I'm in the elevator. (cackles)
No, love, love don't come easy...
Finally! (laughs)
Screw it, I've been waiting 20 minutes.
To hold me tight
I keep waiting
I keep on waiting
But it ain't easy
It ain't easy
But Mama said you can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said just give it time
No matter how long it takes
You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come...
No, I'm meeting with Jameson on Monday.
He controls the final shares.
No, Swope has no clue. He's too focused
on this tragedy they call a wedding.
Look, if I was this poor Anderson guy,
I'd get as far away from him as possible.
(elevator bell dings)
So how do you guys make it work?
Our partnership's like a marriage.
When the shit gets thick,
I know he's got my six.
I'd take a bullet for this guy.
In fact, I did.
Got shot right in the balls.
- Lost my left testicle.
- Yeah, that's why I'd never abandon Mike.
He's my "ride or die bitch."
Hell yeah.
- You are.
- You are.
- No, you are.
- You are.
(elevator bell dings)
Ashamed of yourself
Hey, Brian, let me ask you something.
Does it bother you
that you hold the record
for the most Grammy nominations
without a win?
Does it bother you
that you can't get to your wedding
because you have to repeat
the same hour over and over?
The point is,
if you want something bad enough,
you can never give up.
(elevator bell dings)
Hey, Ma.
Robbie! Boy, what are you doing here?
The question is,
what are you doing here, huh?
- Aren't you supposed to be at my wedding?
- I was there for an hour and a half.
I must've sung every song
in that book of hymns.
- Oh, yeah, I heard.
- You didn't show up.
What's wrong, son?
You got cold feet or something?
Ma, I need your help.
- Oh, I was worried that this might happen.
- What are you talking about?
Well, it's no secret that I was not
the best mother in the world.
Look, Ma, you did the best you could.
Well, I thought I did,
but I guess I didn't.
I mean, I saw a lot of places and...
I loved a lot of men.
George Clinton, Sly Stone.
Oh, Ma.
The bass player from Con Funk Shun.
Now, he was...
- Okay, Mama. TMI. That is way too much.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
It was a different time, Robbie.
My point is, my best would've been...
if I had met a man that I loved
and he loved me
and we started a family
that you could be proud of.
Yeah, but why didn't you?
You know, Rob, I just couldn't get out
of my own damn way,
but it ain't too late for you.
You don't have to repeat my mistakes.
You just got to lose the nonsense
and get out of your own damn way!
Well, Mama done had her medicine.
I'm gonna go on back over to the church...
with a fresh set of pipes.
Hope you get there before
I hit that high note in "Higher Ground."
Thank you.
- I love you, baby.
- I love you, too.
(man) Enjoy your day, sir.
Thank you.
(Megan) Hey, it's me.
I have to go to a wedding today.
I thought you might want to come.
Free booze.
Hey, where are you?
I want to call the police, but...
you have to be missing for 48 hours
and, you know, it's been one.
Anyway, you're on the clock.
It's me again.
Seriously, I'm worried you fell
somewhere where nobody can see you.
When we get back from the honeymoon,
you are getting microchipped,
like a beagle.
(woman moans)
(both screaming)
- What?
- Who are you?
Callie. From the bar.
We came back here last night... together?
Yeah, you asked me to help you
with your vows,
I thought it was code for something,
but we came up, and that's what we did.
Wait, wait, wait,
so, if we wound up here...
how the hell did I get
halfway across town?
I don't know.
You were so drunk you could barely walk.
You tried to write vows, then you threw up
in that plant and passed out.
When I woke up, you were gone.
So... did I come up with anything good?
Look, she said yes for a reason.
Tell her how you feel, be honest.
Well, I gotta get to the church.
Thanks for not sleeping with me.
Easiest money I ever made.
Wait. You're a prostitute?
- You didn't know that?
- Who hired you?
I don't remember,
but they were pissed when I called
to tell them you didn't perform.
Where's your phone?
It's in a plastic bag behind the toilet.
It's the safest place to keep it.
That is definitely a prostitute trick.
(church bells ring)
Bye-bye, love
Damn it!
- (man) Did you hear that?
- (elevator bell dings)
- Yeah.
- Devin, just don't.
Palmetto Hotel, this is Kimber.
Yeah, Kimber, I need to speak to room 412.
Hey, Roger, Pat...
whoever you are.
Just give me one second, all right?
I said give me a second!
This is a very important call!
I have been through so much!
Sir! You can use the phone in our office.
Oh. Cool. Let's go.
What you looking at, Green Mile?
We appreciate your patience,
Mr. Anderson.
Oh, I'm not being patient.
Okay? I'm pissed.
I have been here for almost an hour.
Are you aware you've been the victim
of a serious crime?
Uh, yeah, and that's why I have to get
on the phone in the next four minutes
to figure out who did this to me.
We know who did it.
What I'm about to show you was captured
by our security cameras in the garage.
At approximately 3:36 a.m.,
this sedan pulled
in the parking structure.
- Vicky?
- Were you with this woman last night?
But she did have a key to my room
because she was the one
that made the reservations.
(man) Her parking pass correlates
to one of the rooms
that was booked 30 minutes prior.
In it,
we found several rolls of duct tape.
Duct tape?
Here's where it gets ridiculous.
Several keys got stuck in the gears,
trapping you inside.
I need to use your phone right now.
- Hello.
- Meg?
Rob! Where are you? Are you okay?
I don't have a lot of time to talk.
I just want to tell you that I am sorry.
I've been stuck.
I've just been holding on
to a bunch of bullshit,
and you haven't gotten
what you needed from me.
It's kind of like with your kids,
you know, your patients.
You say they grow up fast
when they're dealing with a crisis.
Well, I've been dealing with a crisis
of unimaginable proportions,
and I just want to tell you that I am...
I am getting out my own damn way.
So you stay right there.
I'm coming for you.
(church bells ring)
Hold on
'Cause I'm coming
Hold on
And here comes Abdalla Tanui of Kenya,
rounding the corner
for the final quarter mile.
(crowd cheering)
(in Swahili)
Last one there is a rotten egg.
(camera shutters clicking)
Guys, please. I got to get to the church.
I got to get to the church. Excuse me.
Officers, I need a ride to my wedding.
Move along, Nick Cannon.
No, I know it sounds crazy,
but I really need your help.
She's the love of my life,
and I know she'd take a bullet for me.
She's my "ride or die bitch."
- Let's roll.
- Yes!
Wait. How the hell are we supposed
to get across town
- with the race and the traffic?
- I got an idea.
- (Rob screaming)
- (laughing) Whoo!
Almost went around the thing
- and flipped over.
- We almost... went around.
- Whoa!
- (horns honk)
Watch out!
- (shouting)
- Relax. We got this.
We're professionals.
We do this all the time.
Why are you so nervous?
Oh, snap. Guys, can I use your phone?
Look at your own risk.
I promise you I won't.
(phone ringing)
- Hello.
- Hey, Callie!
Yeah, it's me, Rob, from last night.
- Corny Rob.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, Corny Rob.
Corny Rob?
Yeah, I need you to do me a favor.
Grab my suit,
bring it down
to the Second Presbyterian Church. ASAP.
- All right.
- All right, bye.
Whoo! Someone's getting married!
We're never gonna make it in time.
- I think these guys know a shortcut.
- (officer) Yeah?
(all) Whoa!
Let's go!
- (laughs)
- All right!
I sing
Because I'm free
His eye
Is on
The sparrow
- I'll walk. Thank you.
- No, doors are locked.
- Not getting out of here, baby.
- Ride or die.
Sweetheart, you have to accept
the fact that he's not coming.
He will be here.
He's here.
He's here!
Yes! Whoo! My man's in the house!
Come on, everybody, give it up!
- You look good, man.
- Thank you, brother.
("Bridal Chorus" playing)
You look amazing.
(clears throat)
Sir, I'd like to thank you
for hosting such a wonderful service.
It's a complete disaster,
and I think it should be canceled.
You'd rather her marry Cody.
As a matter of fact, he's the kind of man
my baby girl deserves.
Yeah. And he's also the kind of man
that's planning to take over your company.
Yeah, that's right.
He's bought up 47% of your shares
and has a lead on another five.
Now, I know
I'm just a substitute teacher, but...
sounds to me like you're screwed.
Cody, is this true?
You always treated me like garbage.
Worse than garbage.
It wasn't until Megan and I broke up
that you could even remember my name.
I have been waiting
for this moment for years.
I'm sorry I can't take everything
that's important to you.
Congratulations, you two.
- Man, I ought to knock your ass out.
- Hey, Benny, chill.
- He got a mean left hook.
- Oh, for real? I'm good.
I'm sorry, baby girl.
I've got to deal with this now.
- No.
- Mr. Swope...
I got it. Give me a second.
Back off, Rob. This is important.
More important
than your own daughter's wedding?
Look, I don't expect you to understand.
You haven't worked a real job
in your life.
Here's what I do know, Mr. Swope.
Marriage is a full-time job.
I'm talking long hours.
No summers off.
Listen, I promise you I'm gonna give Megan
everything that I have.
I'll never stop proving myself.
And I'll never ever stop loving her.
I promised her mother the same thing.
Oh, God, I wish she were here.
She is...
Okay... too soon.
Uh... What do you say we go back inside?
Come on, work can wait.
Megan needs her father.
And a groom.
Apparently, that's how
this whole wedding thing works, right?
Rob, thank you for what you did.
Cody's a liar and a cheat.
I'm just glad I'm the one that caught him.
I'm not talking about Cody.
If there's any way
I can possibly repay you...
And now we come
to the portion of the ceremony
that holds great significance, the vows.
I understand you two
have written your own?
Megan, would you like to begin?
Actually, Father...
May I?
I know I haven't made it easy for you.
And I know I haven't been the man...
that you deserve.
But all the time leading up
to this moment...
is exactly what I needed
to put all my nonsense behind me.
Someone once said
it takes 10,000 hours...
to master anything...
but that's a long time
to keep a beautiful woman waiting.
And, Megan, you have waited a long time.
But I promise you this:
if marriage is like playing the lottery...
I'm in it to win it.
Oh, Rob.
I know the man that you are.
And all I need you to be
is right here, right now.
Megan, will you have this man
to be your husband,
to love and to comfort,
to honor and to keep
in sickness and in health
for as long as you both shall live?
I do.
And do you, Robert?
Yes, I do.
Rob, the ring?
My mother's ring?
Thank you.
Is there anybody here who does not wish
these two to be married?
Let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.
Rob slept with a hooker!
(crowd gasps)
It just had to come out.
Um... I have pictures of them leaving
a bar together, so it's a true story.
Wait, what is this about, Rob?
I did not sleep with a hooker, okay?
I just brought her back,
and she listened to my vows.
- (laughs)
- And actually, she was very helpful.
Oh, yeah. That sounds plausible.
Unfortunately, the hooker couldn't be here
to corroborate your story.
Well, actually, the young lady...
is right over there.
Callie? Can you please tell them?
- Yes, please do!
- She paid me to try and sleep with him.
Okay, let's all believe a hooker.
Hello, Hooker. It's Vicky.
Just making sure you'll be
at The Glass Slipper tonight
to do the do with Rob Anderson.
That is R-O-B.
Yeah, that checks out.
I want my $300 back.
Wait, Vicky, why would you do this?
Yeah, why would you do this, Vicky?
Wha... he broke my heart.
- What?
- Yes.
We had one date together, a magical night.
And, yes, did I smell a little bit?
But I have been to a doctor since then,
and it has cleared up significantly,
hardly detectable.
But you? You get him for the rest
of your life, Miss I Smell Like Flowers?
That is not fair.
- Ma'am.
- What?
Are you aware solicitation is a felony
in South Carolina?
Okay, don't arrest me. She's the hooker.
Yeah, but you're the one
that's going down.
I'm assuming you want
to press charges on this one, right, Rob?
(church bells ringing)
You know, I don't think so.
If it wasn't for Vicky,
I wouldn't be standing here right now.
So I'll just chalk it up to insanity.
However, I would like you to leave.
Okay, I will see myself out.
I am not holding these anymore.
Carpal tunnel.
- Let's go.
- Don't touch me.
I'll take those, darling.
Now, can we skip to the end, please?
All right, then.
I now pronounce you husband and wife!
(cheering and applause)
We're married! We're married!
- We're married!
- We're married!
Even though I know
When you're coming back, baby
I'm gonna get it, though.
Hey, baby. How you doing, man?
- Come on and see me, now.
- I will, man.
Hey, baby.
You look pretty.
I like that you dressed for the occasion.
- Pow!
- (laughing)
Thank you for having us.
- You must be Mrs. Right.
- Yes.
You're a vision, beautiful.
That's for her.
- Nice.
- Rob, who are all these people?
Oh, its just a few friends I met
on the way to the wedding.
And how did you get Brian McKnight
to show up?
Forever means forever
You ain't gonna believe it.
I actually helped him write a song.
It's gonna be on the new album.
- Oh, my God.
- It's no big deal though, you know.
You know what? You're right.
I don't believe you.
Oh, you hater.
Oh, you mad 'cause Brian McKnight
made me his muse.
You know, Rob, there is
one thing you forgot to do today.
No, I'm pretty sure I did everything,
or else we wouldn't be here right now.
Unh-unh. You forgot to check the numbers.
- Ah, the numbers, right, right.
- Yeah, come on.
- Okay, here we go.
- All right, so did we win?
- Yes, we most certainly did.
- Yes!
I just didn't pick the right numbers...
but I picked the right girl.
Oh, baby. You know what?
There is always next month.
No, I don't have time next month.
You are now looking at the new full-time
English lit teacher over at Larkin Prep.
- Are you serious? Really?
- Yeah.
Baby, that's amazing!
- That's amazing.
- Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my great pleasure to introduce
Mr. and Mrs. Robert Anderson as
they enjoy their first dance together.
Baby, are you sure
you still want to do this?
It is a really important moment.
You know, it's the centerpiece
to the whole reception.
Well, you missed a few lessons.
And I'm really sorry about that.
But I plan on making it up to you.
(fast-tempo orchestral music playing)
(guests chattering)
(cheering and applauding)
Where the hell did you learn that?
I found some time.
Excuse me. This is a wedding.
Why don't y'all get out here and dance?
Come on,
that's what this dance floor is for. Yeah.
So incredible
The way things work themselves out
And all emotional
But you know what it's all about, babe
And undesirable for us to be apart
I never would've made it very far
'Cause you know you've got the keys
To my heart
'Cause one
You're like a dream come true
Two, just want to be with you
Three, girl, it's plain to see
That you're the only one for me
And four
Repeat steps one through three
Five, make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe my work is done
Then I'll start back at one
(Megan) What happened
when you broke into the solo, though?
So did you have fun?
Oh, it was all right.
All right?
We got married,
Brian McKnight sang your favorite song.
- That was incredible.
- What more do you want?
Uh, well, you know.
When we get to the room, I can show you.
You have no idea how long
I've been waiting to hear that.
(elevator bell dings)
Bye-bye, love, bye-bye...
Mm, come on.
You know, let's just take the stairs.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Oh, you gonna try to cheat? Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
(music playing)