Napoleon Dynamite (2004) Movie Script

[Birds Chirping]
## [Folk Pop]
## [Continues]
## [Continues]
## [Continues]
## [Continues]
## [Stops]
[Birds Chirping]
[Vehicle Approaching]
What are you gonna do
today, Napoleon?
Whatever I feel like
I want to do. Gosh!
[Bell Rings]
Your current event, Napoleon.
Last week, Japanese scientists "explaced"--
placed explosive detonators
at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness...
to blow Nessie
out of the water.
[Girl Chuckles]
Sir Curt Godfrey
of the Nessie Alliance...
summoned the help of
Scotland's local wizards...
to cast a protective spell over the lake
and its local residents...
and all those who seek for
the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.
Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes.
Hey, Napoleon, what'd you do
all last summer again?
I told you. I spent it with my uncle
in Alaska hunting wolverines.
- Did you shoot any?
- Yes, like 50 of 'em.
They kept tryin' to attack my cousins. What
the heck would you do in a situation like that?
- What kind of gun did you use?
- A frickin' 12-gauge. What do you think?
You think you're funny?
Just watch your step.
- But I didn't--
- [Indistinct]
[Phone Ringing In Distance]
Hey, could I use your guys's
phone for a sec?
- Is there anything wrong?
- I don't feel very good.
[Line Ringing]
[Phone Ringing]
- Hi.
- Is Grandma there?
No, she's getting
her hair done.
- What do you need?
- Can you just go get her for me?
- I'm really busy right now.
- Well, just tell her to come get me.
- Why?
- 'Cause I don't feel good.
- Well, have you talked to the school nurse?
- No, she doesn't know anything.
- Will you just come get me?
- No.
Well, will you do me
a favor then?
- What?
- Can you bring me my ChapStick?
- No, Napoleon.
- But my lips hurt real bad.
Just borrow some from the school nurse.
I know she has, like, five sticks in her drawer.
I'm not gonna use hers,
you sicko.
- See ya.
- [Dial Tone]
[Woman On P.A.]
David Dempke, please come to the office.
[Woman On P.A.]
David Dempke, please come to the office.
- David Dempke.
- [Man] You do understand English?
This isn't that complex.
Look, the cafeteria's down the hall...
to the right and downstairs.
Hey, is that a new kid
or something?
Napoleon, this is Pedro.
Would you mind showing him
where his locker is?
Sure. Come on.
You know, there's, like,
a buttload of gangs at this school.
This one gang kept wanting me to join
'cause I'm pretty good with a bow staff.
Do you ride the bus
to school?
No. I ride my bike.
- What kind of bike do you have?
- It's a Sledgehammer.
You got shocks, pegs.
You ever take it off
any sweet jumps?
[Dog Barking]
You got, like,
three feet of air that time.
Can I try it really quick?
Dang it!
I love the way...
your sandy hair...
floats in the air.
To me it's like a lullaby.
I'm just flying by,
oh, so high...
like a kite
tied to a stake.
How was school?
The worst day of my life.
What do you think?
- Well, I want you to go see
if Tina wants some of this.
- [Fly Buzzing]
Kip hasn't done
flipping anything today.
Look, tonight me and your--
Kip, listen!
Tonight me and your aunt are
gonna go visit some friends...
and we're not gonna
be back till tomorrow.
We're gettin' low on steak, so I got Lyle
comin' over tomorrow to take care of it.
- Well, what's there to eat?
- Knock it off, Napoleon.
Make yourself a dang
- Fine!
- [Keys Jingling]
I'll be back tomorrow.
Stay home and eat all
the freakin' chips, Kip!
Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been
chatting online with babes all day.
Besides, we both know
I'm training to become a cage fighter.
Since when, Kip?
You have the worst reflexes of all time.
- Try and hit me, Napoleon.
- What?
I said come down here and see
what happens if you try and hit me.
Such an idiot.
Let me see what
your best move is.
- [Sighs]
- [Doorbell Rings]
- [Sighs]
- [Doorbell Rings]
I'll go get it.
Um, hello.
Would you like to
look like this?
This is a girl.
Because for
a limited time only...
glamour shots by Deb
are 75% off.
I already get my hair cut
at the Cuttin' Corral.
Well, maybe you'd be interested
in some home-woven handicrafts.
- ## [Heavy Metal]
- [Man] I'm Rex...
founder of the Rex Kwon Do
Self-Defense System.
After one week with me in my dojo,
you'll be prepared to defend yourself...
with the strength
of a grizzly...
- [Groans]
- the reflexes of a puma...
and the wisdom of a man.
Come down today
for your free trial lesson!
In here we have
some boondoggle key chains.
A must-have for
this season's fashion.
I already made, like, infinity
of those at Scout camp.
Well, is anyone else here?
I'm trying to earn money
for college.
Your mom goes to college.
- [Laughter On TV]
- [Man On TV] Let's bring in that--
[Door Closes]
Tina, you fat lard.
Come get some dinner.
Tina, eat.
Eat the food.
Eat the food!
It'd be nice if you could
pull me into town.
My name is Rex, and if you study
with my eight-week program...
you will learn a system
of self-defense...
that I developed over two seasons
of fighting in the Octagon.
It's called Rex Kwon Do!
I need a volunteer.
Okay, you'll do.
Come up here.
Bow to your sensei.
Bow to your sensei!
Now, I'm gonna give you
one chance.
One chance, people.
Give me your best shot.
All right.
That was pretty good. Okay.
Now, watch this, everybody.
Grab my arm.
The other arm.
My other arm.
Now watch this. I'm just gonna break
the wrist and walk away.
Break the wrist, walk away.
- Geez!
- Okay.
It's just that simple.
Now, I want you to kick me.
Come on. Kick me.
Okay, do it again.
Do it again.
- Ouch.
- Okay. You'll block it every time.
Have a seat.
Now, in addition to
what you just saw...
if you study with my eight-week program,
you're gonna learn these things.
First off...
Rex Kwon Do,
we use the buddy system.
No more flyin' solo. You need somebody
watching your back at all times!
Second off, you're gonna learn
to discipline your image.
Do you think I got
where I am today...
because I dress like
Peter Pan here?
Take a look at what
I'm wearing, people.
Do you think anybody wants
a roundhouse kick to the face...
while I'm wearin'
these bad boys?
Forget about it.
Last off...
my students will learn
about self-respect.
Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure
because I go home to Starla at night?
Forget about it!
Now, for only $300,
you can sign up right now...
for my eight-week program.
Well, that place
was a rip-off.
Hey, Lyle.
Nothin' on here works smooth.
- [Gunshot]
- [Screaming]
## [Piano]
## [Soft Rock]
## [Continues]
## [Ends]
So me and you are pretty much
friends by now, right?
So, you got my back
and everything?
- Never mind.
- [Chattering]
- Have you heard about the dance?
- Yes.
Have you met anyone to ask yet?
No. But I probably will
after school.
Who you gonna ask?
That girl over there.
She braided my hair one time--
Summer Wheatly? How the heck
are you gonna do that?
Build her a cake
or something.
Yeah, my old girlfriend
from Oklahoma...
was gonna fly out here
for the dance...
but she couldn't 'cause she's doing
some modeling right now.
Is she hot?
See for yourself.
Yeah, I took her to the mall to get
some glamour shots for her birthday one year.
- I like her bangs.
- Me too.
How long did it take you
to grow that mustache?
A couple of days.
I wish I could grow one.
Are you gonna eat your Tots?
Can I have 'em?
You see that girl
over there?
She came over to my house
the other day.
- Why?
- I don't know...
but she left all this crap
on my porch.
She's pretty good-looking.
Do you dare me
to go talk to her?
I see you're drinking one-percent.
Is that 'cause you think you're fat?
'Cause you're not. You could be
drinking whole if you wanted to.
Well, I have all
your equipment in my locker.
You should probably come get it 'cause
I can't fit my nunchakus in there anymore.
Where's your locker?
Hey, can I have
one of your key chains?
Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
[Cellphone Ringing]
- [Cellphone Beeps]
- Hello?
Napoleon, give me
some of your Tots.
- No, go find your own.
- Come on. Give me some of your Tots.
No. I'm freakin' starved.
I didn't get to eat anything today.
Freakin' idiot!
Tina, come get some ham.
[Vehicle Approaching]
What are you doing here,
Uncle Rico?
Your grandma took a little spill at
the sand dunes today, broke her coccyx.
What? Since when
does she go to the dunes?
Looks like there's a lot
you don't know about her.
[Tina Grunts]
- So, when's Grandma coming back?
- I don't know.
Not sure.
You don't have to stay here
with us. We're not babies.
Talk to your Auntie Caroline.
Well, Kip is, like,
32 years old.
I don't mind
if you stay.
Oh. Thanks, Kip.
What the flip was Grandma
doin' at the sand dunes?
She was on a date...
with her boyfriend.
Hey, you guys
want to see my video?
So, what do you think?
- It's pretty cool, I guess.
- Oh.
Man, I wish I could
go back in time.
I'd take state.
This is pretty much
the worst video ever made.
Napoleon, like anyone
can even know that.
You know what, Napoleon?
You can leave.
You guys are retarded.
Hey, check that out.
So, you and Tammy
still together?
No. Not really.
- Why is that?
- Well...
she's jealous.
Says I'm livin'
too much in '82.
Well, I dumped her.
What about your girlfriend?
Well, things are gettin'
pretty serious right now.
I mean, we chat online for,
like, two hours every day...
so I guess you could say
things are gettin' pretty serious.
I'm just really tryin' to raise a few bucks right
now so I can bring her around for a few days.
Yep. Well, what's she look like?
She's, uh--
She's got sandy blonde hair.
She's, uh, pretty-look--
pretty good-looking
face, but...
I'm just gettin' really--
just kinda T.O.'d...
because, I mean, she hasn't even
sent me a full body shot yet.
Hey, you know...
I got a little project...
that we might be able to
make a little moola with.
Really? That sounds pretty good.
Have you ever heard of
nylon polymer?
Go for it.
[Doorbell Rings]
Back in '82, I used to be able
to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
- Are you serious?
- I'm dead serious.
Watch this.
What the heck
are you doing?
That's what I'm talkin' about.
I better go.
How much you want to make a bet I can
throw a football over them mountains?
Yeah. If coach would've put me
in fourth quarter...
we'd have been
state champions, no doubt.
No doubt in my mind.
You better believe things
would have been different.
I'd have gone pro...
in a heartbeat.
I'd be makin'
millions of dollars and...
livin' in a...
big ol' mansion somewhere.
You know, soakin' it up
in a hot tub with my soul mate.
I reckon you know
a lot about cyberspace.
Y-You ever come across
anything like time travel?
I've already
looked into it for myself.
Right on.
Right on.
Is Pedro here today?
I don't think so. Why?
Just wondering.
Can you, uh,
give this to him for me?
Hey, Summer,
you want to play me?
Ow. God.
[Door Opens, Closes]
- What are you drawing?
- A liger.
What's a liger?
It's pretty much
my favorite animal.
It's like a lion
and a tiger mixed.
Bred for
its skills in magic.
Where's your friend?
I don't know.
Did you see him today?
Neither did I.
- Do you need a ride?
- No.
I missed the bus today,
but my uncle's coming to get me.
- Oh.
- [Horn Honks]
See ya.
Right. I-- I think...
just a little bit east of the cemetery
is a good little area right here.
We should do it there. Don't go down here,
'cause they don't have any money.
So, how long are we talkin' about workin'?
What are you--
You're already losing your steam?
No. I just--
I have a chat room meeting at 4:00.
I gotta be back here by then.
- All right, you just start a little earlier. That's all.
- All right.
Or else work afterwards.
How long's the chat room?
Geez, sometimes up to
three, four hours maybe.
Maybe not.
I don't know.
You-- You pay the bills
for that?
Does that cost money every time
you're on, like for minutes on the phone?
Yeah. Grandma's still
payin' per minute.
She gets kind of pissed at me
sometimes 'cause I'm on there so long.
I'll bet she does.
I'd be throwin' you out the window.
[Line Ringing]
- [Woman] Bueno.
- Hello?
- Who's this?
- Napoleon Dynamite.
- Who?
- Napoleon Dynamite.
- I'm one of Pedro's best friends.
- Your name is Napoleon?
Yes. Is Pedro there?
No, he's not here
right now.
Okay, bye.
See, Crystal Street.
That's for you.
I'm goin' to Adams Park.
They got some money in Adams Park.
Let's go, Kipper.
I think we should take this...
- someplace a little more private.
- That's a good idea.
Please. Please. Be good to me.
Please, keep going.
Dead on. Dead on.
Before we get started on our new project,
I have a few concerns.
First off, I'm concerned about
your transportation situation.
I mean, do you-- you got a car
you can borrow from someone?
Well, that's the problem
right now.
At the moment,
nothing comes to mind.
You can borrow my van for the time being.
I-- I do better on foot anyway.
We also need some way to make us
look official, like we got all the answers.
How about some gold bracelets?
We need, like,
some name tags...
with our picture on it,
all laminated and whatnot.
I mean, we gotta
look legit, man.
That's true. That's true.
Say, you know of a-- a place
we can get our picture taken...
like a-- a photo store?
Turn your head
on more of a slant.
Now, make a fist...
and slowly ease it up
underneath your chin.
- This is looking really good.
- You can say that again.
Okay, hold still right there.
Now, just imagine
you're weightless.
You're in the middle
of the ocean...
surrounded by
tiny little sea horses.
[Shutter Clicks]
That was the one. I think
that's gonna come out really nice.
Uh, you did it?
Wow. Wow, that felt
really relaxed.
Thanks, Deb.
- [Buzzing]
- [Chuckles] You're up, Kip.
Is there some kind of vest
that I can wear?
- Where have you been?
- I got sick.
Has Summer said
anything to you yet?
No, not yet.
Well, she said no.
She did?
- Well, what about that other girl?
- What other girl?
- The one that left all that crap on your porch.
- You mean Deb?
- Yes, her.
- What about her?
- Well, I asked her out too.
- What?
Well, nobody's gonna
go out with me.
- Have you asked anybody yet?
- No, but who would?
- I don't even have any good skills.
- What do you mean?
You know, like...
nunchaku skills,
bow hunting skills...
computer hacking skills.
Girls only want boyfriends
who have great skills.
Aren't you pretty good
at drawing, like...
animals and warriors and stuff?
Probably the best
that I know of.
Just draw a picture of the girl
you want to take out...
and give it to her
for, like, a gift or something.
That's a pretty good idea.
Now, if you invest
in the 24-piece set...
I'm gonna throw in
a little gift.
So, what's the gift?
I bet you folks
don't have one of these.
I want that.
You see, this ain't
your run-of-the-mill "crapper-ware."
These are some serious
"NuPont" fiber-woven bowls.
So, if we purchase
the 24-piece set...
the mini sailboat
is included?
That's correct, sir.
Lance, you look like
a strong young pup.
Why don't you see if you can
give that a nice tear.
Don't hurt yourself now.
I can't do it.
So, uh...
how does the "dealio"
sound to you?
- [Door Closes]
- [Engine Starts]
Dang it.
- Is Trisha here?
- Oh, I'm sorry, she's not.
- She's at a friend's house right now.
- [Rico] Well, hey, Napoleon.
- Napoleon's my nephew.
- Oh, that's nice.
Could you just give this
to her for me?
- I certainly could.
- Thanks.
Poor kid. I've been takin' care of him
while his grandma's in the hospital.
He still wets the bed
and everything.
You're kidding.
Yeah, he's a tender little guy.
He still gets beat up and whatnot.
Anyway, uh...
so we still feelin' pretty good about this,
uh, 32-piece set here?
- Ow!
- What the crap was Uncle Rico
doin' at my girlfriend's house?
Napoleon, let go of me!
I think you're bruisin' my neck meat!
What the heck
are you guys doin'?
Tryin' to ruin my life
and make me look like a friggin' idiot?
I'm out makin' some
sweet moola with Uncle Rico.
Geez, I think
you ripped my mole off.
- I did?
- Yeah, is it bleeding?
- [Door Opens]
- A little bit.
Hey, Kip.
I wish you wouldn't
look at me like that, Napoleon.
I wish you'd get out of my life
and shut up.
I'm gonna tell you somethin'. While you're playin'
patty-cake with your friend Pedro...
your Uncle Rico...
is makin' 120 bucks.
I could make that much money
in five seconds.
Geez. Yeah, right, Napoleon.
I made, like, 75 bucks today.
Napoleon, it looks like
you don't have a job.
So why don't you
get out there and feed Tina.
Why don't you go eat
a "decroded" piece of crap.
[Napoleon's Voice]
There's a lot more where this came from...
if you go to the dance with me.
Yours truly, Napoleon Dynamite.
You know you're gonna
go to that dance with that boy.
By noon I need them 8,000 hens
moved into their new cages.
Sometimes they don't
want to cooperate.
But you give 'em a good shakin',
they'll settle down for ya.
Do the chickens have
large talons?
- Do they have what?
- Large talons.
I don't understand
a word you just said.
Okay, you meet me back here
about noon, and, uh...
we'll have a little lunch
waitin' for ya.
Well, dig in.
[Flies Buzzing]
[Hens Whimpering, Distant]
[Cow Lowing]
Over there, in that pigpen...
I found a couple
of Shoshoni arrowheads.
Can't find my checkbook.
Hope you don't mind I pay you in change.
Six dollars.
That's, like, a dollar
an hour.
[Phone Rings]
- Hi. Is Napoleon there?
- Yes.
- Can I talk to him?
- You already are.
Napoleon, this is Trisha.
I'm just calling
to tell you that...
I can go to the dance
with you.
- [Mouthing Words]
- And also...
I wanted to thank you
for the beautiful drawing you did of me.
- It's hanging in my bedroom.
- Really?
Took me, like, three hours
to finish the shading on your upper lip.
It's probably the best drawing
I've ever done.
Yeah, it's really...
Yeah, well, I'll probably
pick you up at 6:00 for the dance.
- Is that okay?
- That's fine.
Okay, bye.
- Who was that?
- Trisha.
- Who's she?
- My woman I'm takin' to the dance.
- You draw her a picture?
- Heck, yes, I did!
- [Coins Jingling]
- Well, what are you going to wear to the dance?
Just, like, a silk shirt
or something.
- What are you gonna wear?
- Dad has something for me.
But you should probably
get a suit.
## [Muzak, On Speaker]
Pedro, how do you feel
about that one?
It looks nice.
Yeah. It looks
pretty sweet.
It looks awesome.
That suit, it's--
It's incredible.
[Utensils, Plate Clatter]
I need you to give me a ride
in an hour.
Where to?
The dance.
- You takin' my client's daughter?
- Yes.
We need to pick her up too.
Well, Uncle Rico's got a sale
to finalize in Bonita in five minutes.
Can't you take me and then
drop me off when you're done or whatever?
Well, I'll be back
in a minute.
Don't disturb me
while I'm in there.
Well, hurry up,
'cause I gotta get Trisha.
Hi. I got your 24-piece set
right here.
[Out Of Breath]
## [Hip-hop On Speaker, Distant]
[Engine Rumbling Loudly]
[Engine Revving,
## [Hip-hop On Speaker, Loud]
So you guys are, like,
Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hookups?
- ## [Hip-hop Continues]
- [Doorbell Chimes]
Is Trisha here?
- [Hydraulics Whoosh]
- Who's that in my driveway?
That's my ride.
## [Hip-hop Continues,
Loud, Indistinct]
## [Synthesizer Pop]
- ## [Continues]
- [Chattering]
- ## [Continues]
- [No Audible Dialogue]
Do you wanna go over by my friend Pedro
and dance really quick?
- [No Audible Dialogue]
- ## [Continues]
## [Continues, Muffled]
[Blows Nose]
[No Audible Dialogue]
## [Continues, Muffled]
## [Continues]
When did you get here?
Just a couple minutes ago.
Have you guys
seen Trisha anywhere?
She probably
just went to the bathroom.
Are you guys having
a killer time?
If you can't find Trisha, I'll let you
dance with Deb for a few songs.
## [New Song: Pop]
I like your sleeves.
They're real big.
Thank you.
I made them myself.
So you and Pedro are getting
really serious now?
We're just friends.
How your glamour shots
been going lately?
Pretty good.
I could do
a personal portrait sometime...
if you wanted to come over.
## [Continues]
## [Continues]
[Water Running]
## [Ends]
Do you think people
will vote for me?
Heck, yes.
I'd vote for you.
Like, what are my skills?
Well, you have a sweet bike...
and you're really good
at hookin' up with chicks.
Plus you're, like, the only guy at school
who has a mustache.
That's true.
If you need to use any of my skills,
I can do whatever you want.
If I win, you can be
my secretary or something.
Sweet! Plus I could be
your bodyguard too.
Or, like, Secret Service captain
or... whatever.
Is that yours?
Don't touch it.
It's Uncle Rico's.
What's it for?
It's a time machine, Napoleon.
He bought it online.
- Yeah, right.
- It works, Napoleon. You don't even know.
Have you guys tried it yet?
- So, are you ready?
- Yeah. Hold on.
I forgot
to put in the crystals.
- Okay, turn it on.
- [Current Surges]
[Groaning, Grunting]
the pow--
Turn it off! Turn it off!
- [Current Stops]
- [Moaning]
It's a piece of crap. It doesn't work.
- [Panting]
- [Rico] Well, I could've told you that.
[Muffled Groan]
I-I said the 12 pack,
not the 24 pack.
You're just gonna have
to mix and match.
Shut up. Say it so the whole world can hear.
- Well, put it back.
- [Sniffing]
Napoleon, you know
we can't afford the fun pack.
You think money grows on trees in this family?
Take it back.
Get some Pampers for you
and your brother while you're at it.
We can use a little of this.
I can tell you that.
- We can use those.
- [Beeps]
[Crowd Chatter, Faint]
[Cows Lowing, Faint]
The defect in that one
is bleach.
- That's correct.
- Yes!
This tastes like the cow
got into an onion patch.
- Correct.
- Yes!
- [Lowing]
- [Flies Buzzing]
They're pretty good except
for one little problem.
That little guy right there,
he has nipple number five.
A good dairy cow
should have, like, four.
- [Cow Lows]
- Well done.
- [Summer] Vote for Summer.
- [Man] Vote for Summer.
Vote for Summer. Thanks.
Vote for Summer.
Hi. Vote for Summer.
Hi, ladies. Vote for Summer.
You guys voting?
- Do you think it's kinda warm in here?
- No.
I think it's-- They have the heater on
or something.
It seems pretty good to me.
You don't feel like your head
is burning or-- or anything?
I'm gonna go home
and lay down.
Okay. See ya.
- Vote for Summer.
- Yeah, right.
- I'm not votin' for her.
- Then who are you gonna vote for?
I'm votin' for Pedro Sanchez.
Who do you think?
Hey, Don, can I have
one of those buttons?
Hey. Vote for Summer.
Hi. Vote for Summer.
So, that guy in Florida
give you your money back yet?
Oh, I wrote him an e-mail,
sayin' I'm gonna contact the authorities...
if I don't get a refund in full.
Don't you ever wish you could go back...
with all the knowledge
you have now? Tsk.
I guess so.
Well, I'll tell you somethin' right now.
You'd find your soul mate.
- I've already got a soul mate.
- Oh, yeah. What's her name again?
- Lafawnduh.
- Lafawnduh. Huh.
- How's she doin'?
- Well, I think I'm gonna need some time off.
She's flyin' out from Detroit
for a few days.
Well, what about work? Well, haven't--
haven't you studied up on the new product?
- Yes.
- Well, do you know it backwards and front?
Why don't you sell some
to that girlfriend of yours?
You might as well do somethin'
while you're doin' nothin'.
Because she doesn't need any.
That's why.
Hey. I did some drawings
for the flyers.
Why do you got
your hood on like that?
Well, when I came home from school,
my head started to get really hot.
So I drank some cold water,
but it didn't do nothing.
So I laid in the bathtub
for a while...
but then I realized that it was my hair
that was making my head so hot.
So I went into my kitchen,
and I shaved it all off.
I don't want anyone to see.
I know what you mean.
There's just so many options.
That one's good.
Looks like a medieval warrior.
You know, you're right.
That's a good one.
I think this matches
your season, Pedro.
Thank you.
## [Military March: Drums]
## [Continues]
## [Theme to The A-Team ]
## [Ends]
- Vote for Pedro.
- Vote for Pedro.
- Vote for Pedro.
- Vote for Pedro.
- Vote for me.
- Vote for Pedro.
- Vote for Pedro.
- [Pedro] Vote for me.
- [Napoleon] Vote for Pedro.
- [Pedro] Vote for Pedro.
- Vote for Pedro. Vote for Pedro.
- Vote for... Pedro.
Hey, give me 50 cents
so I can buy a pop.
- I don't have any, Randy.
- Come on. I'll pay you back.
I don't have--
- Don't. Stop. Stop.
- I'll do this to you.
- Don't. Ow.
- [Bell Rings]
Here. Here.
- How's your neck?
- Stings.
That's too bad.
Pedro offers you his protection.
- Hey, let me borrow your bike.
- No.
- Come on. I'll give you some chips.
- No.
[Vehicle Approaching]
- ## [Hip-hop On Speaker]
- [Hydraulics Whoosh]
[Bus Engine Idling]
[Door Opens]
Like a wash, and then you blow-dry it
with bleach.
Yeah. It's so cool.
Hey, you Trisha?
- Yeah.
- You remember me?
I'm a friend of your mom's.
I'm-- I'm Napoleon's uncle. Uncle Rico.
- Oh. Yeah.
- Hey, could you do me a favor?
Could you give your mom
a couple of these...
and tell 'em to hand 'em out
to her friends or whoever?
You girls give me a call
if you feel like you could use some.
Have a nice day.
[Both Scoff]
[Engine Sputters, Stops]
Why the heck you throwin'
crap at my van, Napoleon?
Everybody at school thinks
I'm a freakin' idiot 'cause of you.
You're gonna clean my van... right now.
- Get off of me, you "bodaggit."
- [Groans]
- [Chattering]
- [Boy] Higher. No, no, higher.
- Yeah!
- [Cheering, Hooting]
- [Cheering, Hooting]
- [Boy] Yeah. Hit it!
## [Muzak: Cha-cha On Speakers]
Look, Pedro. I don't know
how they do things down in Juarez...
but here in Idaho we have
a little something called pride.
Smashing in the face of a piata
that resembles Summer Wheatly...
is a disgrace to you, me
and the entire Gem State.
## [Pop: Synthesizer,
Drum Machine On TV]
[Man] Welcome to D-Qwon's Dance Grooves.
Are you ready to get your groove on?
- Yes.
- All right, then. Let's get started.
## [Continues]
Are you disqualified?
No. They just made me take down
the flyers as a penalty for the piatas.
Can you still
run for president?
I don't understand.
He say... you're not allowed to smash piatas
that look like real people.
But we do it in Mexico
all the time.
Your hair looked great today.
Thank you.
All right.
See you tomorrow, Pedro.
Who are you?
- I'm Lafawnduh.
- What are you doing here?
I'm waiting for Kip.
- Kip?
- Why are you so sweaty?
- I been practicing.
- Mmm.
- Practicing what?
- Some dance moves.
You like dancing?
My chores are done.
- So, you ready, Lafawnduh?
- I am, honey.
Sorry, Napoleon. We're just runnin'
a little bit late for some prime rib.
- Tell Uncle Rico not to wait up for me.
- Here.
You might like that.
My cousin made it.
I'll be waitin' outside
for you, baby.
Bye, Napoleon.
See ya.
[Door Opens]
- Lafawnduh is the best thing
that has ever happened to me.
- [Door Closes]
I'm a hundred percent positive
that she's my soul mate.
Napoleon, I'm sure there's
a babe out there for you too.
Peace out.
See ya.
Is this what you
were looking for?
Nah, I was thinkin' of somethin'
a little more... soft around the edges.
Hmm. Well...
I have a nice, soft pink sheet
I could hang...
and I could wrap you in some foam or...
something billowy?
Yeah, billowy's good.
It'd be really nice...
if I could get
the fan going.
I could hang some tinsel
from the top.
You know, Deborah,
you have... striking features.
Such a soft face should be
complimented with a...
soft body.
Mr. Rico?
My friends and clients,
they call me "Uncle Rico."
What are you doing?
Shh. Don't say another word.
Napoleon told me
you'd be interested.
You stop wishin',
and call me when you're ready.
## [Dance]
[Phone Rings]
- [Ringing Continues]
- ## [Stops]
- Hello?
- Napoleon?
- Yeah. Who's this?
- It's Deb...
and I'm calling to let you know
I think you're a shallow friend.
- What the heck are you even talkin' about?
- Don't lie, Napoleon.
Your Uncle Rico made it very
clear how you feel about me.
I don't need herbal enhancers
to feel good about myself.
And if you're so concerned about that,
why don't you try eating some yourself?
[Dial Tone]
- [Door Opens]
- Right on.
Grandma just called and said
you're supposed to go home.
- She didn't tell me anything.
- Too bad. She says she doesn't want you here...
when she gets back because you've been ruining
everybody's lives and eatin' all our steak.
- I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.
- Get off my property!
It's a free country.
I can do whatever I want.
Get off my property,
or I'll call the cops on you.
Well, then do it.
Go on.
Maybe I will. Gosh!
[Line Ringing]
- [Man Speaking Spanish On TV]
- [Phone Rings]
- Hello?
- Pedro?
- How's it goin'?
- Good.
Deb just called me.
She pretty much hates me by now.
- Why?
- 'Cause my Uncle Rico's an idiot!
Do you have anything
to give to her?
No, not unless
she likes fish.
- Are you still gonna give your speech tomorrow?
- Yes.
- Do you already know what you're gonna say?
- Yes...
but not all of it.
Just tell 'em that...
their wildest dreams will come true
if they vote for you.
- [Sighs]
- I'll see you tomorrow, Pedro.
Dang it!
What do you think
you're doing?
[Vehicle Approaching]
Now, if you look right here,
we have Sally Johnson from Manitou, Colorado.
Would you like to read
her testimonial right there?
Sure. Um...
"After using Bust Must Plus,
I have such big bosoms--"
I don't feel comfortable
reading this.
Oh, that's fine.
That's fine.
But do you feel
comfortable with me?
You could be...
somewhere around, uh...
- [Sauce Pans Clattering]
- [Rex] Come here, boy!
- [Commotion, Crashing]
- [Rico Yelping]
[Loud Applause]
[Applause Fades]
Well, I never thought
I would make it here today.
I would be a great
class president because...
I promise to put two new pop machines
in the cafeteria, and...
I'm also gonna get a glitter Bonnebell
dispenser for all the girls' bathrooms.
Oh, we're gonna get
new cheerleading uniforms.
Anyway, I think I'd be
a great class president, so, uh...
who wants to eat
"chimini-changas" next year?
Not me. See, with me,
it will be summer all year long.
- Vote for Summer.
- [Loud Applause]
- [Applause Continues]
- [Mouthing Words]
[Applause Ends]
And now Summer will perform her skit with
members of our very own Happy Hands Club.
Your speech is up next.
Your skit had better be pretty good.
- A skit?
- You perform a skit after your speech, Pedro.
A flippin' skit?
- Why didn't anybody tell us about this?
- ## [Pop]
## [Continues]
[No Audible Dialogue]
## [Continues]
- ## [Ends]
- [Loud Applause]
- [Applause Fading]
- I don't want to be president anyway.
Pedro, just listen
to your heart.
That's what I do.
I'll just tell them that
I have nothing to say.
[Scattered Applause]
[Applause Fades]
I don't have much to say.
But I think it would be good to have
some holy santos brought to the high school...
to guard the hallway
and to bring us good luck.
El Santo Nio de Atocha is a good one.
My Aunt Concha has seen him.
- we have a great F.F.A. schedule lined up--
- [Door Opens]
and I'd like to see
more of that.
If you vote for me,
all of your wildest dreams will come true.
Thank you.
[Scattered Applause]
[Applause Fades]
Up next, I hope you'll enjoy
a skit by Pedro Sanchez.
## [Slow Electric Piano]
## [Disco, Funky]
## [Continues]
## [Continues]
## [Continues]
## [Stops]
[Loud Cheering]
[No Audible Dialogue]
- [No Audible Dialogue]
- [Grunting]
I caught you a delicious bass.
You wanna play me?
## [Synthesizer Pop]
## [Continues]
## [Continues]
## [Continues]
## [Continues]
## [Continues]
## [Stops]
I, uh, would like to
give you this advice.
And a fella give
me some years ago.
He said,
"When an argument arises...
"if you go outside and take,
uh, a nice walk...
"you'll calm down and then you can
come back and it won't be an argument.
"And you'll find
that helps your health.
All that fresh air and exercise
will do you a lot of good."
Is there anything else
you'd like to ask about?
- [Grunts]
- [Coughing]
- [Braying]
- Pedro.
- Where the heck's Napoleon?
- I don't know.
Lafawnduh Lucas, do you take
Kipland Ronald Dynamite...
to be your lawful
wedded husband...
to honor in sickness and health
till death do you part?
I do.
Kipland Ronald Dynamite...
do you take Lafawnduh Lucas
to be your lawful wedded wife...
in sickness and health
till death do you part?
You know I do.
By the authority vested in me,
I pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[Shutter Clicks]
## [Synthesized]
# Why do you love me #
# Why do you need me #
# Always and forever #
# We met in a chat room #
# Now our love
can fully bloom #
# Sure the World Wide Web
is great #
- [Feedback]
- # But you, you make me "salvivate" #
# Yes, I love technology #
# But not as much as you, you see #
# But I still love technology #
# Always and forever #
# Our love is like
a flock of doves #
# Flying up to heaven above #
# Always and forever #
# Always and forever #
# Yes, our love is truly great #
# Always and forever #
# Why do you need me #
- [Horse Whinnying]
- # Why do you love me-- ##
Sorry I'm late.
I just got done taming a wild
honeymoon stallion for you guys.
Hey, Deb, can you take a photo of me
on the horse real quick?
- Sure.
- [Shutter Clicks]
[Horse Whinnying]
I hope your guys's experiences
are unforgettable.
Lookee, lookee.
A little keepsake for you guys.