National Lampoon's European Vacation (1985) Movie Script
It's time for America's
favorite game show: Pig in a Poke!
Pig in a poke
It pays to be a glutton
Pig in a poke
Oink! Oink! Oink!
Pig in a poke
You could win all or nothing
"Pig in a poke
Oink! Oink! "
So, let's meet our current champions:
The Griswalds.
Here's the star of our show,
Kent Winkdale.
Clark, it's time for your big decision.
Will you keep what's in the poke,
or risk everything...
...and go for the big prize?
Johnny, remind the folks
what they've already won.
The super-charged Honda 750 motorcycle!
A dream kitchen with brand new
major appliances! And for Clark...
...the king of the family...
...a ten-year supply of Regal Car Polish...
...the car wax of royalty!
First, Clark, remind our audience
who you are and what you do.
I'm Clark W. Griswald.
I'm in food additives, not preservatives.
Not preservatives!
What about the family?
This is my wife, Ellen, my son,
Rusty, and daughter, Audrey.
Hello, Ellen.
Hi, Rusty.
Audrey.
You've won some fantastic prizes.
Do you want to keep them...
...or risk everything, and be a pig?
Be a pig!
Let's keep what we have.
I love the Signore Cappuccino.
Don't do it.
Nobody ever wins the grand prize.
We've decided.
Oink, oink. We'll be pigs.
So long, motorcycle.
You're very brave. I wish you luck.
Now, a fantastic surprise.
Back, by popular demand...
...the all-time winningest family
in the history of Pig in a Poke:
The Froegers.
The Froegers?
No one's ever beaten the Froegers.
Mr. Froeger, tell us about yourselves.
I won my Nobel Prize in 1967.
My wife won hers in 1970.
Our son, Moe, has just been elected
to the board of Microtech...
...a computer software corporation.
Our daughter, Ruth, is the youngest female
ever to be accepted at Harvard Law School.
Good luck to all of you.
Now, let's take a look at our categories.
Pharmacology.
American Explorers.
Chronology of the Pharaohs.
The Geography of the Brain...
...and History of
Early Hungarian Cabinet Making.
Not bad.
Froegers, since you're the challengers,
you get to pick the first category.
The Hungarian one.
Nobody knows anything about Hungarians.
I don't know. Kent, we'd like
The Geography of the Brain.
The question is:
What are the pyramidal tracts?
Five seconds.
The pyramidal tracts are
a housing development outside of Cairo.
Too bad.
You're the champions
if you answer correctly.
The pyramidal tracts...
...are a complex of multi-synaptic
lower motor neurons...
...which interconnect the basal ganglia
with the reticular formation.
You said, "Lower motor neurons."
The answer is: Upper motor neurons.
- Upper! Upper!
- Nobody wins.
- We're still in it.
- Froegers, select another category.
- Early Hungarian Cabinet Making.
- American Explorers.
American Explorers. Griswalds.
In 1804, an expedition explored an area...
...from the Louisiana territory
to the Pacific Coast.
For the grand prize,
what lieutenant led that expedition?
- I give up.
- Wait a minute, Dad.
Quiet down! I think I got this one.
Come on, Dad.
Time's up. Do you have an answer?
- Clark!
- That's it!
Clark, of Lewis and Clark.
The Griswalds are our grand prize winners!
No, that was a mistake!
She doesn't know that.
Come on out here!
The Griswalds have just won
a fabulous European vacation!
We'll fly the whole family
to London, England...
...to start a two-week vacation
extravaganza you'll never forget.
"On to Germany, where you'll enjoy
a fine meal at Dieter's...
"...and dance to the gay music
of Esther and the Black Forest Girls."
- This is going to be some vacation, kids.
- Yeah, Dad.
Rusty, give me a hand and set the table.
Why can't Audrey do it?
Because Audrey has company.
- Rusty, come on!
- Wait a minute.
Russ, obey your mother.
I can't stand the thought of being
away from you for whole two weeks.
It'll be like before we met.
Before we met, my life was horrible
and meaningless. Wasn't yours?
Sort of.
Let's light it up!
Audrey, please eat something.
Everybody, listen up.
Let's look at the map
and go over our schedule.
The plane will fly us
from Chicago to London.
That's Madrid, Dad.
You're right. This must be
one of those old medieval maps.
Dad, I made a decision.
I can't leave Jack.
Besides, the food in Europe is fattening.
And I like her thin. She eats too much.
Clark, why don't you and I go alone?
It's obvious the kids don't even want to go.
Of course they do.
We're a family.
We're going to Europe as a family.
- Don't we have a say in this?
- I think we should vote on it.
I can be big about this.
We'll be a democracy. Everybody votes.
Who will be president?
Let's vote on that.
We'll have a secret ballot.
Write down your choice...
...give it to your mother.
This will be for the President
of the Republic of Griswald.
All right, that's one for Clark.
One for Rusty.
One for Jack.
One for Clark.
That's two for Clark.
As President of the Griswald Republic,
I move we go to Europe.
Jack, you wait here.
What are you doing?
A little memento before we go away,
I just got the kids.
I don't want anyone to see me like this.
No one will see you.
Remember that song you did
in college in that musical?
No, I'm not going to do that.
I won't do it.
I'm going to erase this.
Okay. Go over there.
I'm ready. Wait a minute. Okay.
Don't stop.
Sexy. I love you.
The Pig in a Poke itinerary is just great.
It's down to the exact minute.
We won't miss a thing.
Why don't we forget the itinerary
and play it by ear?
Like normal people.
We're not normal people.
We're the Griswalds.
I saved the big surprise for last.
We're turning around?
No, we're visiting my relatives in Germany.
Not if we don't vote for it.
- You'll vote for it.
- Why should I?
Because I raised your allowance.
I think I'm going to like
this democracy stuff.
Something to drink?
- No, thank you.
- I'll have a Coke.
Do you want that in the can?
No, I'll have it right here.
Push "French."
- Give me a French word.
- Souffl.
Souffl. All right. Push "English."
Instant translation. Souffl means...
..."Souffl."
It's got to mean something else.
The Lord and Lady Poncenby Smythe.
The Lady Amelia Spicer
and the Baron von Richtshofen.
Mr. And Mrs. Clark and Ellen Griswald.
He came.
Wonderful.
Hey, Chuck.
Di.
This is my wife, Ellen.
Di. How are you?
I do hope we could have the first dance.
There you go again, Di. Listen, you know
the only princess in my life is my wife.
She gets the first dance.
- Clark, wait.
- Sorry.
There's Rusty!
"The hills are alive
"With the sound of Griswald
"This should spin around
for a very long time
"I'm feeling so high
"That I just can't stand it
"It's as though I've been here
"For at least a week"
The Royal Imperial Windsor Hotel.
Want me to give you a hand with that?
If you could just get that stuff in...
Carry that. I'll get the luggage out.
Rusty, we could use your help.
I can get these bags.
Sure I can't help?
Ellen, do you have any money?
- Would you pay?
- No problem.
Camembert cheese is also produced
on a large scale...
...molded by the thousands
in giant factories.
Hello!
Top of the evening. I'm Clark Griswald
from the United States of America.
I believe we have reservations for four.
No, you're scuppered, mate.
The place is full of macaroons.
I could get on the dog and
blow to my mate in Whitechapel.
Dad, he's speaking English.
I know.
This is from the Pig in a Poke show.
They said there'd be rooms for four
and a rental car waiting for us.
We're the grand prize winners.
Oink, oink! We'll be pigs!
Oh, the Yanks. Follow me.
Is there anybody to help with the luggage?
Mum!
Kids, help me out. No, please sit.
This is ridiculous.
"Sixty-five rooms tastefully decorated,
with private bathroom and shower...
"...color television, radio and telephone.
"Deluxe accommodations at the sumptuous
Royal Imperial Windsor Arms...
"...combines old-world charm
and modem convenience."
Clark, does this look like
the room in the brochure?
No, I think they shot this picture
from another angle.
It's quaint. I like it.
It'll look better after I've had a hot bath.
Well, the bed is nice and soft.
- There's no bathroom.
- Of course, there's a bathroom.
Europeans go to the bathroom, don't they?
Maybe they don't.
Call the front desk.
Something's wrong with this thing.
We've only got four channels, and no MTV.
That's all there are.
Just think of it. Shopping on Bond Street.
Bobbies. Fish and chips. Big Ben.
Shopping on Carnaby Street.
It's going to be so romantic.
I have to warn you,
I'm feeling very naughty tonight.
Congratulations.
What can I do for you?
I want a wake-up call for 7 a.m., please.
Good night.
You're in bed, already.
I left a wake-up call
to get an early start in the morning.
I love you.
I've been waiting for this.
I can't believe we're alone at last.
Just you and me.
I'm so horny.
And these bubbles...
...make me feel so...
I feel like...
You know.
When did you stop shaving your legs?
Why don't you just jump in here with me?
I think I made a mistake.
Is my wife in here?
No.
I get confused with the numerous doors.
- I guess this happens a lot.
- No.
- Could you unlock your legs from my leg?
- No.
My right leg is asleep.
Oh, no. Please don't.
It's very hot in here.
It's hot, yeah.
I got a mild case of herpes.
I'll just get out.
Let me just check. I've got a wake-up call.
- You won't believe this. I was in the tub.
- I've been looking for our room.
- This guy came in with a toothpaste tube.
- I went into this lady's room.
- I don't know where our room is.
- It's right here.
They don't even put numbers on the doors.
Here's our English transportation.
Now we'll have some fun.
- Where's the wheel?
- Other side, Dad.
You're driving on the wrong side
of the road.
I realize that, honey.
I'm also on the wrong side of the car.
- I'm sorry.
- No trouble, my dear chap.
I've had this bump for ages.
Now I have an excuse to fix it.
I'm fully covered.
I should thank you.
- Very sorry, again.
- No problem.
God, he was nice.
It's not bad in England, huh?
God, I must say,
the English are certainly...
We seem to have run into a bit of trouble.
What rotten luck.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to get back to our hotel.
An American! Delighted to meet you.
Are you enjoying our country?
If I could get the driving straight...
Don't worry about a little thing like this.
I was driving on the right side of the road...
...which is the left side of the road.
That's the whole problem.
Let me get this for you.
I'll put it back on for you.
Keep that.
Take it back to New York as a memento.
Thank you very much.
That's very kind of you.
There's another one.
Thank you. Good day.
I got the hang of it now.
Just stay on the right side...
Oh, please, let me help you.
No problem. No problem, squire.
No harm done.
- It doesn't hurt much.
- I'll pay for the damages.
Good heavens, no. No need for money.
I'll be all right.
Can I get you some help?
Get you to a phone?
Maybe he knows how to get to the hotel.
I hate to bother you, but we're staying
at the Royal Imperial Windsor Arms.
Royal Imperial Windsor! Very nice hotel.
It's a little small.
Well, you go back the way you came,
and you keep going to...
You've got a bad cut.
We better get you to a hospital.
It's just a flesh wound.
Nothing to write home about.
- Did you say a left or a right?
- Just a left.
Maybe it's broken.
It's just a leg. I have got another one.
I'll just pop into the chemist's.
Be right as rain tomorrow.
The final isn't till Sunday.
Sorry to bother you. You haven't seen
a bike around here, have you?
It's right here under the car.
The tire isn't flat, so we're in good shape.
Thanks for the directions. Sorry for
what happened. You're all right?
- Sure.
- Drive carefully. Have a nice day.
We just drive around this circle.
It should be the second left.
There's the hotel. Hey, look,
there's Big Ben and there's Parliament.
There it is!
I know, I can't seem to get over to the left.
I'll try next time.
Sorry. We'll get out of this jam
in a minute.
Kids, Big Ben, Parliament, again.
Kids.
- We know. Big Ben.
- Parliament.
That son of a bitch!
Look, kids. Forget it.
It's amazing. I cannot get left!
There's Big Ben, Parliament.
"When it's time to relax
One thing stands clear
"Beer after beer
"If you got the time
"We got the beer"
"Reach out, reach out and touch someone
"Reach out, call up and just say, 'Hi"'
What's the matter?
I can't stand it.
I'll never make it through two weeks.
Two weeks is nothing.
It's 14 times as long as yesterday,
and yesterday lasted...
...an eternity.
Why don't you call him?
- Are you crazy?
- What could happen?
Dad could rip out my tongue, that's what.
He wouldn't even notice
if you kept it short.
Okay, I'll just say hello
and good-bye. Short.
I wonder if anything good's on TV.
Should I watch cheese or snow?
- Hello?
- Hello, Jack.
Oh, God, Jack, I miss you so much.
- Do you miss me?
- Yes.
- Really?
- Yes.
I miss you so much it hurts.
- I got to go.
- What?
- I have to eat.
- Your mom's calling you to dinner?
Okay, I'll hold.
- Can we stop? I'm hungry.
- Yeah, Dad. Rusty's hungry.
We've got a schedule to keep.
That's it!
That's the way I want my hair cut!
You don't want to look like a rooster,
do you?
There's Buckingham Palace,
where the Queen lives and works.
Works? What does she do?
She queens and vacuums.
We'd like to check out, please.
Yeah, Mr. Greaseball.
Let's tally up your bill.
Will we really have time
to see Stonehenge?
No problem.
I've calculated the driving time.
If we skip lunch,
we'll make the plane to Paris.
I'm sick of English food. I feel like a blimp.
You look fine.
Don't I just sign?
Pig in a Poke takes care of this.
- It does not include the telephone bill.
- We just made a couple of local calls.
That will be...
...$253 American.
- You're mistaken.
- How could that be?
Who the hell called Chicago?
Audrey, your father
didn't really mean what he said.
Yes, he did.
Not really, honey.
He has nothing against Jack.
He's not really going to cut off his balls.
Are you, Clark?
Okay, I won't.
Let's relax and enjoy the countryside.
This country is eons old, kids.
That's centuries, to you and me.
Charming, isn't it?
It looks like Massachusetts.
It stands to reason. The English settled
Massachusetts. The old pilgrims.
Plymouth Rock. That's where it started.
And speaking of rocks...
See that? That's Stonehenge. Fantastic.
What the hell is this?
Nobody knows for sure. Some think
it's a calendar or an astronomer's tool.
Others think it was built
by men from outer space.
The consensus is that it's
an ancient timepiece built by the Druids.
Whatever, it's been here a long time.
Since 2,000 years before Christ.
It's bound to be here 1,000 more.
Stand over there.
Act like you're setting your watch.
This must be where they sacrificed virgins.
God, I miss Jack.
We've got to go
if we want to catch that plane.
You're right.
Let's go, Russ!
Come on!
Take a last look, kids...
...at one of man's most curious creations.
Built to stand the test of time
and the elements.
War. You name it.
A thing of glory
for a million future generations to see.
And we were here.
Gay Paris. The City of Lights.
This is the famous Left Bank.
Can you guess what's on the other side?
The Bank of America.
Everybody, get closer to the fountain.
If we get any closer, we'll get all wet.
It'll be a good shot.
The Griswalds in front of a fountain.
Major entertainment.
Russ, get in the middle.
Let me take it.
You haven't been in any of them.
I got a good idea.
Monsieur, excusez-moi.
Clark Griswald. United States of America.
My family and I.
Would you take a picture of us?
Je ne comprends pas.
Could you photograph us?
- Oui, oui.
- Merci.
- Le bouton.
- Poussez.
Okay, Russ, get over here.
Fromage!
Non fromage, cheese!
Une idee! Enlevez les chaussures
et dans la fontaine.
Merveilleux, oui!
Les shoes, dans I'eau, vous.
Yeah! Let's take off our shoes
and get in the water.
Yeah, okay. It's fun.
Tres bien!
Cold!
Parfait! Impeccable.
Clark, there isn't anything on that tape
that shouldn't be there, is there?
They took my camera!
There isn't anything on that tape
that shouldn't be there? Remember?
That's gone, right? You erased it?
Yeah, I erased it.
We'll check in and come back for the cases.
Here we are, kids. Chez Griswald.
We have a reservation
for the honeymoon suite.
Mr. And Mrs. Garland.
Clark, look. They must be honeymooners.
Either that or they're Siamese twins.
That's how Jack kisses.
Are you from America?
We are from Chicago.
Chicago. We're from Akron.
We're the Griswalds.
I'm Clark, and this is my wife, Ellen.
And my daughters,
Audrey and Rusty.
You're in Room 714. And please hurry.
I guess it's true. Paris is for lovers.
May I help you?
We're the Griswalds.
We have a reservation for two chambres.
We're the grand prize
Pig in a Poke winners. Oink, oink.
- May I see your passports?
- Of course.
I guess I sign this.
I sign "Griswald" first, right?
No, I put "Clark."
I put "Clark."
We don't really speak French.
This is our first day.
What do you think? C'est magnifique, huh?
I'll go get the kids.
Good idea. We'll get a move on.
- Where's Dad?
- I'm right here.
Just looking for the Bible. There it is.
Everybody ready?
We got a schedule to keep.
I vote we don't see any more museums.
I vote we don't get anything else to eat.
What's this?
Do I detect a note of dissension?
Yeah, Dad. Paris sucks!
Everyone's so rude.
- Come on, we're the visitors here.
- This isn't Wally World, it's a country.
We're the ambassadors of America here.
To be accepted, we have to fit in,
speak the language...
...wear French clothes.
That's why I got us all berets.
Come on, Dad.
This is really rank.
Come on now, Russ. Loosen up.
You don't want to look like a tourist.
All the French wear these.
It's the national hat.
I won't wear it. It looks stupid.
No girl will want to talk to me.
Then I guess they'll all talk to me.
I vote for berets.
I second the motion.
Berets.
That's three-to-one. You lose, fellow.
France is world famous for its cuisine,
so anything will be great.
Order what you want.
Garcon.
Nous voulons commander a dejeuner.
Les enfants desire hamburger et frites.
Coca-Cola for the les enfants.
Votre meilleur vin.
You want the souffl?
My femme would like to
commander the souffl fromage.
Et moi, I'll have the veau, the veal.
Good choice.
Du brie.
Just a little brie, yeah.
We'll get that later. Merci beaucoup.
Okay, just a little bit. That's about it.
Where would you find a waiter like that
in the United States?
Honey, speak the language,
they're going to be nice. Just try.
There she is, kids. The Eiffel Tower.
921 feet of historic landmark.
That's more than an acre to us, Russ.
- Let's go to the top, Dad.
- Yeah. Let's go.
It's magnificent.
It's breathtaking.
I'm glad we decided to be pigs.
Thank your father.
Thanks, Dad.
It's so beautiful, I feel so...
I feel my juices are just...
It makes me so...
I want to write. I want to paint.
I want to sculpt something massive.
I've got a creative urge to...
I wonder if there's a men's room
around here?
Look at those things.
- Let's get our picture taken.
- No, they're silly.
- I'll buy one for Jack.
- Okay.
Rusty.
Russ, what's wrong?
I feel like an idiot because
of this stupid hat you made me wear.
I want to talk to you.
Two things. First, you're never an idiot.
You're a Griswald.
Understand that?
Second, you know I'd never do anything
to injure you.
You know I'd never do anything
to hurt my opinion of myself.
If the beret bothers you, it bothers me.
If it upsets you, it upsets me.
How did you enjoy shopping today?
Wait until you see what I got.
I got it because the saleslady
said it's one of a kind.
I'll never find another like it.
I know it's silly...
...but I only got it for you.
Honey, I wouldn't want the kids
to see me in something like this.
Sparky, it's our first night in Paris.
Let's do something romantic.
- I'm taking you out to dinner.
- "Out"?
I felt like staying in.
I thought it would be really nice
to be alone.
I'd never go anywhere without you.
Cheer up.
I promised you a night on the town.
We'll see some French culture.
You'll love it.
Down with the feet, hip distance apart...
...stomachs pulled in, buttocks tight.
Let's start with head rolls.
To the right and back and left and forward.
Isn't this great?
They've done this for eons in France.
This is real culture.
Exhale and raise your arms over your head.
Reach with the right...
Clark, could I have the coat check?
I think I've had enough French culture
for one evening.
- Look.
- I am looking.
Back there.
- It's just a hooker. They're everywhere.
- Look who she is with.
Russell Griswald.
Oink, oink, my good man.
- How did you get in?
- I paid.
- I'm surprised at you.
- I'm surprised at you, Dad.
Don't talk back.
- Who was that cheap slut?
- Cherie's not a slut.
I'm disappointed in you.
Who said, "When in Rome,
do as the Romans do"?
I said Rome, not Paris.
This is Paris, and you're drunk.
Hold it!
Let me have it!
Today is my turn.
- Give them to me.
- No!
Look what you did to them.
They're mine!
How many times do I have to tell you that?
Will you slow down?
The kids are exhausted.
It closes in 15 minutes.
There are 100,000 works of art to see.
Great. Are you happy, Dad? She's dead.
I'm proud of you guys.
We've seen everything in Paris,
and we're on schedule.
Can't we slow down a little bit?
I'm exhausted.
We'll have a relaxing time
with my relatives in Germany.
Enjoying Paris?
Have you seen the Louvre yet?
Not yet.
The Left Bank is charming.
We plan to go there.
- Been up the Eiffel Tower yet?
- No, but it's on our list.
Have a good time.
What a waste. We've seen 10 times
as much as they have.
Hi, sweetie. You want some breakfast?
I'm not hungry.
He's got his hands on her tits
right at the table.
Stop staring.
European standards of public behavior
are different than ours.
But they're from Akron.
Audrey, I've missed the shit out of you.
Luckily, Debbie came by to cheer me up.
- That bitch!
- Something the matter, Audrey?
It's time we asked ourselves
this question:
Is this relationship strong enough
for us to consider seeing other people?
I think it is.
Pass the croissants, please.
And the butter and jelly.
I'm glad your appetite's back.
Who have I got to be thin for?
He's going to pork her.
He isn't going to pork her. Now eat.
I think he is.
He may pork her. Just eat, okay?
There it is, kids.
My motherland.
Dad, Grandma's from Chicago.
Shut up, Russ.
I can't wait to meet our relatives,
in person.
Dipplestrabe.
What are we looking for?
- Sechs.
- That will do, Audrey.
That's German for "six."
Is that true?
My family and I are looking for sechs.
There's number six.
Fritz, Clark Griswald. Good to see you.
Remember Ellen from her letters?
There she is.
And Rusty and Audrey.
They've gotten bigger since the pictures.
Sorry we're late. I went to
the wrong door. Thanks for the invitation.
This must be the German dining room.
Isn't it nice?
Clark, it's just as I imagined.
It's so quaint.
Yeah, maximum quaintness.
You must be Helga. We made it.
You know Ellen, my wife,
and Rusty and Audrey.
Let me help you in the kitchen.
Come on, kids.
Go help in the kitchen. Help Helga out.
So, Fritz, how you been?
Long time never seen.
Here's your cousin Al.
He's a hotshot lawyer.
They'll probably get him on tax evasion.
Here's the baby.
You don't believe that cock-and-bull story
about the baby being premature?
I didn't think so.
When me and Jack got together,
we'd been seeing other people.
But this is different, because Debbie
is my best friend, don't you think?
God, it's so good
to have someone to talk to.
I tell my parents stuff but they don't seem
to know what I'm talking about.
- What are you talking about?
- You see?
God, I miss Jack.
I was just thinking.
Blood really is thicker than water.
It's amazing how family ties
break through language barriers.
This has been my favorite part of the trip.
Dad, look. Bedpans.
You've been so sweet. Here's our address.
When you come to Chicago,
come stay with us.
Thanks for the marvelous conversation.
We'll write.
A festival.
It looks like fun. Come on, kids.
- What's your name?
- Claudia. And yours?
- I'm Rusty.
- Hello.
Do you ever get to leave here?
What's so funny? This is great, isn't it?
I love these.
Who wants bratwurst, mustard and relish?
Holy shit!
Hey, you! Come on!
Very good. We need one more.
A big strong man.
Hey, you! Come on!
Come on, don't be afraid.
I don't know if I can do that.
Just follow the others.
Isn't he great?
- Those bells haven't rung in years.
- What does it mean?
They're going to hang somebody!
Dad.
Hurry up!
Oh, shit.
- It's too narrow!
- There's plenty of room.
I know this car.
Get out! There goes the paint job.
Why the sour puss?
You ruined what could have been
the best day of my life.
What are you complaining about?
I lost my boyfriend thanks to this vacation.
- I vote we stop talking about Jack.
- I vote for that.
I vote we don't talk
about schedules anymore.
Me, too.
I'm for that.
I vote we don't talk at all until we get
to Rome and everybody calms down.
Maybe then we can act
like mature human beings.
Clark, I thought we'd talk.
What are we doing?
We're going to a travelers checks place
to get our money refunded.
We'll rent a new car, buy some clothes...
...and finish the best goddamn vacation
of our lives.
Let's go.
I think Dad's lost all sense of reality.
Let's get out of here.
What are we going to do with him?
Kill him?
Don't be stupid. We never kill anyone.
Then, what do we do?
I've got a better idea.
We can hold him for ransom.
He must be worth something.
Clark! I think this is something historical.
It looks real old, Dad.
That's great. We'll see it later.
Only four more miles. Let's go.
What we need now is a dupe.
Someone above suspicion...
...who will believe anything you tell him.
A real idiot.
Anybody here?
We have no proof
we lost the travelers checks.
We left the stubs in the suitcase.
Can I help you?
I'm Clark W. Griswald. We're
the grand prize Pig in a Poke winners.
We're in a bind. We lost our luggage,
a videotape camera, rented car...
...and $1,000 in cash.
So, I'm just here to get my money back.
I certainly hate to see
our customers inconvenienced.
- Name?
- Clark W. Griswald.
Ellen Griswald.
These are our children, Rusty and Audrey.
Come over here. Show yourselves.
Here we are.
Excuse me. We lost only $1,000.
This is $3,000.
That's to make up for your trouble.
I lost about $200.
Stay quiet. We'll get you out later.
Unfortunately, we somehow
misplaced the key to the trunk.
If you tell me where you're staying,
we'll send the key there.
At what hotel are we staying?
- The Nazionale.
- Very nice.
I didn't know you rented cars.
I'll see you, then.
Let's see some Roman ruins.
We've been in these clothes for ages.
Let's go shopping.
I vote for shopping.
I feel totally scuzzed out.
We'd all look good in some Italian fashions.
Got plenty of money.
- You look cool.
- I feel cool.
Looking good, Mom!
Let's go. We ready to conquer Rome?
I'll be back and we'll hit the fountains.
I'm terribly sorry. Are you all right?
No problem at all.
It's you. The guy from London.
You're the American I ran into.
What are you doing in Rome?
On sick leave. A little holiday. Recovering.
Still on holiday with the kids?
Yeah, we're here.
We've just been out shopping.
Nice choice.
They're right there.
Kids, look who it is! Say "hi"!
You've got a cast on your leg.
This? Think nothing of it.
Hardly matters at all.
It's just a big sock, really.
That's pretty nice of you. I feel bad.
At least, let me give you a hand.
No, thanks!
Isn't this your hotel?
No, my hotel's over there.
Have a nice holiday.
Okay. Cheerio!
This is the Piazza Navona.
Jack?
It's one of the most fabulous squares
in Rome. What's wrong?
I want to go home. I miss Jack.
We have a few more fountains to see,
then the Colosseum.
I don't want to see the Colosseum.
I want to see Jack!
Jack will always be there.
The Colosseum will always be there.
It's been there 2,000 years.
If I don't go home soon, Jack will fall
in love with Debbie, and I'll die.
Don't you want to see the Colosseum
before you die?
I hate you.
I'll meet you later at the hotel.
What about the fountains?
I'm fountained out.
Clark, let him go.
We're leaving in two days.
These are our last moments together
as a family.
Dad, we've been together every second
for the last two weeks!
By the way, I've been good.
I haven't complained or tried to escape.
Why can't you treat me like a man,
for once?
Because you're not a man.
I am, too!
I'm 15 years old, a world traveler.
I have a part-time job.
I need my independence.
If he's going, I'm going.
Why don't we give the kids
some free time?
Sure. Let them go.
They're just a couple of ingrates.
They're not ingrates, they're teenagers.
- Where's my allowance?
- Where's my passport?
Just a minute!
Let's settle down and be reasonable.
If we think about it,
we can all make some compromises.
Oh, my God!
- Take it easy.
- I don't believe this!
This is the most humiliating thing you've
ever done to me! This is the last straw.
It's not my fault they stole the camera.
You promised to erase it!
I was going to erase it.
The guy stole the camera.
This is the lowest, the worst, Clark!
Where are you going?
We're going to the Colosseum at 2:00.
I'm going back to the hotel!
We didn't vote on that.
Forget your vote!
I'm seceding from the Union...
...forming my own government,
and declaring war on you!
- She knows I didn't do it on purpose.
- I don't blame her.
Yeah, it's not even a good likeness, is it?
I guess it's just you and me, Audrey.
Buongiorno.
That's bellissimo.
Really choice?
And I think that
you are really bellissimo also.
You're not too shabby yourself.
- You speak English?
- I'm from California.
All right! I'm from Chicago.
Do you want to go scarf
some grimace proportions?
What are you doing in Rome?
Traveling with my folks.
Me, too. We won...
- Pig in a Poke. I saw the show.
- You saw the show?
You answered the Thomas Edison
question and won car wax.
- You remembered?
- Yes, I thought you were cute.
You thought I was cute?
Finally, there's one of them.
And she's alone.
Let's get the guy out of the trunk.
Too many people here.
We'll move the car first.
I'll get the keys from her.
I hate to see a beautiful woman
drink bad wine.
Then you should leave,
because I'm going to get plastered.
What is it?
Is it your husband?
That pig?
He's not a pig.
He is a pig. He is!
Thank you.
Operator, I'd like the number
for information.
I want to call the airport.
Numero, please-o.
Pan Am.
Va bene. Non si preoccupi.
Faccio io. Lasci stare.
E stata una disgrazia.
Ora rimedio io, piano piano.
Che fa?
Then I rolled on the floor
and started going...
I was completely naked.
Not completely, I had on a towel.
He promised me he'd erase that.
He promised me he'd erase it.
I'm a ruined woman.
I thought this was going to be...
...like some kind of second honeymoon.
We should have left the children
with Helga and Fritz.
I'm sorry, but I should go to my room now.
I'm going to throw up.
Let me help you.
No, no. I'll be fine, really.
I think you'll feel better if you lie down.
I have a philosophy
about dealing with my parents.
If I'm in school or hanging out
or something...
...there's all this pressure
to act cool or do the right thing.
But if I'm with my parents,
who really cares?
They don't know what's cool and what's
not, so I just put everything on hold.
That's a great way to look at it.
I'm having a great time.
Me, too.
Imagine coming all the way to Rome
to meet someone from California.
Whatever happened to us?
We were high school sweethearts.
We never even did it until we got married.
Well, at least until we decided to.
And I left him all alone in that piazza.
I said the "F" word in front of my children!
What kind of woman am I?
Exciting.
Don't fight it, Ellen.
What are you doing?
Let me take you away from this.
I don't want to be away.
I want my Sparky back.
It was just a little argument.
He'll be here any minute.
He's very jealous.
I'm calling the manager.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Are you taking any calls?
The police are here.
Stay away from the Fiat.
I'm leaving.
I'll be right down.
Debbie, Audrey!
We've got a score to settle,
and you know what I mean!
If you want to salvage our last shred
of friendship, do me this favor.
I want you to book me on a Pan Am
flight out of Rome into Chicago today!
Yeah, I'll hold.
Bitch.
Take the car keys!
Find your father!
Don't move.
Mom, where are you going?
- What's wrong?
- Mom's been kidnapped.
- Where's the car?
- Over there. Here's the keys.
There they are!
Hey, Dad, there's the Colosseum!
I've talked so much. What about you?
What are your parents like?
There's really not that much to say.
They're just normal parents.
My Dad's all right.
He's a little slow sometimes.
God, that's Dad!
- What happened?
- Not much. Mom's been kidnapped.
Darn it all!
Excuse me. There's a man in the trunk.
I'm coming!
Take my hand!
Clark, where are you going?
Get back here!
You bastard!
Come here.
Still on holiday?
Sorry. I'm looking for someone else.
No problem. I'm used to it. Good luck!
He kidnapped my wife.
You all right?
I love you, Sparky. You're my hero.
I know.
Your parents are actually pretty cool.
Yeah, they're good
for a few laughs, sometimes.
Now can we go home?
Look.
The Statue of Liberty.
I never thought I'd be so glad
to see the Statue of Liberty.
Me neither.
The great thing about traveling
is you really appreciate coming home.
I've got to go.
I never realized
how much I've missed America.
I bet America's missed the Griswalds.
I'm very sorry. Let me get...
My jacket is caught.
Yup. The Griswalds are back!
favorite game show: Pig in a Poke!
Pig in a poke
It pays to be a glutton
Pig in a poke
Oink! Oink! Oink!
Pig in a poke
You could win all or nothing
"Pig in a poke
Oink! Oink! "
So, let's meet our current champions:
The Griswalds.
Here's the star of our show,
Kent Winkdale.
Clark, it's time for your big decision.
Will you keep what's in the poke,
or risk everything...
...and go for the big prize?
Johnny, remind the folks
what they've already won.
The super-charged Honda 750 motorcycle!
A dream kitchen with brand new
major appliances! And for Clark...
...the king of the family...
...a ten-year supply of Regal Car Polish...
...the car wax of royalty!
First, Clark, remind our audience
who you are and what you do.
I'm Clark W. Griswald.
I'm in food additives, not preservatives.
Not preservatives!
What about the family?
This is my wife, Ellen, my son,
Rusty, and daughter, Audrey.
Hello, Ellen.
Hi, Rusty.
Audrey.
You've won some fantastic prizes.
Do you want to keep them...
...or risk everything, and be a pig?
Be a pig!
Let's keep what we have.
I love the Signore Cappuccino.
Don't do it.
Nobody ever wins the grand prize.
We've decided.
Oink, oink. We'll be pigs.
So long, motorcycle.
You're very brave. I wish you luck.
Now, a fantastic surprise.
Back, by popular demand...
...the all-time winningest family
in the history of Pig in a Poke:
The Froegers.
The Froegers?
No one's ever beaten the Froegers.
Mr. Froeger, tell us about yourselves.
I won my Nobel Prize in 1967.
My wife won hers in 1970.
Our son, Moe, has just been elected
to the board of Microtech...
...a computer software corporation.
Our daughter, Ruth, is the youngest female
ever to be accepted at Harvard Law School.
Good luck to all of you.
Now, let's take a look at our categories.
Pharmacology.
American Explorers.
Chronology of the Pharaohs.
The Geography of the Brain...
...and History of
Early Hungarian Cabinet Making.
Not bad.
Froegers, since you're the challengers,
you get to pick the first category.
The Hungarian one.
Nobody knows anything about Hungarians.
I don't know. Kent, we'd like
The Geography of the Brain.
The question is:
What are the pyramidal tracts?
Five seconds.
The pyramidal tracts are
a housing development outside of Cairo.
Too bad.
You're the champions
if you answer correctly.
The pyramidal tracts...
...are a complex of multi-synaptic
lower motor neurons...
...which interconnect the basal ganglia
with the reticular formation.
You said, "Lower motor neurons."
The answer is: Upper motor neurons.
- Upper! Upper!
- Nobody wins.
- We're still in it.
- Froegers, select another category.
- Early Hungarian Cabinet Making.
- American Explorers.
American Explorers. Griswalds.
In 1804, an expedition explored an area...
...from the Louisiana territory
to the Pacific Coast.
For the grand prize,
what lieutenant led that expedition?
- I give up.
- Wait a minute, Dad.
Quiet down! I think I got this one.
Come on, Dad.
Time's up. Do you have an answer?
- Clark!
- That's it!
Clark, of Lewis and Clark.
The Griswalds are our grand prize winners!
No, that was a mistake!
She doesn't know that.
Come on out here!
The Griswalds have just won
a fabulous European vacation!
We'll fly the whole family
to London, England...
...to start a two-week vacation
extravaganza you'll never forget.
"On to Germany, where you'll enjoy
a fine meal at Dieter's...
"...and dance to the gay music
of Esther and the Black Forest Girls."
- This is going to be some vacation, kids.
- Yeah, Dad.
Rusty, give me a hand and set the table.
Why can't Audrey do it?
Because Audrey has company.
- Rusty, come on!
- Wait a minute.
Russ, obey your mother.
I can't stand the thought of being
away from you for whole two weeks.
It'll be like before we met.
Before we met, my life was horrible
and meaningless. Wasn't yours?
Sort of.
Let's light it up!
Audrey, please eat something.
Everybody, listen up.
Let's look at the map
and go over our schedule.
The plane will fly us
from Chicago to London.
That's Madrid, Dad.
You're right. This must be
one of those old medieval maps.
Dad, I made a decision.
I can't leave Jack.
Besides, the food in Europe is fattening.
And I like her thin. She eats too much.
Clark, why don't you and I go alone?
It's obvious the kids don't even want to go.
Of course they do.
We're a family.
We're going to Europe as a family.
- Don't we have a say in this?
- I think we should vote on it.
I can be big about this.
We'll be a democracy. Everybody votes.
Who will be president?
Let's vote on that.
We'll have a secret ballot.
Write down your choice...
...give it to your mother.
This will be for the President
of the Republic of Griswald.
All right, that's one for Clark.
One for Rusty.
One for Jack.
One for Clark.
That's two for Clark.
As President of the Griswald Republic,
I move we go to Europe.
Jack, you wait here.
What are you doing?
A little memento before we go away,
I just got the kids.
I don't want anyone to see me like this.
No one will see you.
Remember that song you did
in college in that musical?
No, I'm not going to do that.
I won't do it.
I'm going to erase this.
Okay. Go over there.
I'm ready. Wait a minute. Okay.
Don't stop.
Sexy. I love you.
The Pig in a Poke itinerary is just great.
It's down to the exact minute.
We won't miss a thing.
Why don't we forget the itinerary
and play it by ear?
Like normal people.
We're not normal people.
We're the Griswalds.
I saved the big surprise for last.
We're turning around?
No, we're visiting my relatives in Germany.
Not if we don't vote for it.
- You'll vote for it.
- Why should I?
Because I raised your allowance.
I think I'm going to like
this democracy stuff.
Something to drink?
- No, thank you.
- I'll have a Coke.
Do you want that in the can?
No, I'll have it right here.
Push "French."
- Give me a French word.
- Souffl.
Souffl. All right. Push "English."
Instant translation. Souffl means...
..."Souffl."
It's got to mean something else.
The Lord and Lady Poncenby Smythe.
The Lady Amelia Spicer
and the Baron von Richtshofen.
Mr. And Mrs. Clark and Ellen Griswald.
He came.
Wonderful.
Hey, Chuck.
Di.
This is my wife, Ellen.
Di. How are you?
I do hope we could have the first dance.
There you go again, Di. Listen, you know
the only princess in my life is my wife.
She gets the first dance.
- Clark, wait.
- Sorry.
There's Rusty!
"The hills are alive
"With the sound of Griswald
"This should spin around
for a very long time
"I'm feeling so high
"That I just can't stand it
"It's as though I've been here
"For at least a week"
The Royal Imperial Windsor Hotel.
Want me to give you a hand with that?
If you could just get that stuff in...
Carry that. I'll get the luggage out.
Rusty, we could use your help.
I can get these bags.
Sure I can't help?
Ellen, do you have any money?
- Would you pay?
- No problem.
Camembert cheese is also produced
on a large scale...
...molded by the thousands
in giant factories.
Hello!
Top of the evening. I'm Clark Griswald
from the United States of America.
I believe we have reservations for four.
No, you're scuppered, mate.
The place is full of macaroons.
I could get on the dog and
blow to my mate in Whitechapel.
Dad, he's speaking English.
I know.
This is from the Pig in a Poke show.
They said there'd be rooms for four
and a rental car waiting for us.
We're the grand prize winners.
Oink, oink! We'll be pigs!
Oh, the Yanks. Follow me.
Is there anybody to help with the luggage?
Mum!
Kids, help me out. No, please sit.
This is ridiculous.
"Sixty-five rooms tastefully decorated,
with private bathroom and shower...
"...color television, radio and telephone.
"Deluxe accommodations at the sumptuous
Royal Imperial Windsor Arms...
"...combines old-world charm
and modem convenience."
Clark, does this look like
the room in the brochure?
No, I think they shot this picture
from another angle.
It's quaint. I like it.
It'll look better after I've had a hot bath.
Well, the bed is nice and soft.
- There's no bathroom.
- Of course, there's a bathroom.
Europeans go to the bathroom, don't they?
Maybe they don't.
Call the front desk.
Something's wrong with this thing.
We've only got four channels, and no MTV.
That's all there are.
Just think of it. Shopping on Bond Street.
Bobbies. Fish and chips. Big Ben.
Shopping on Carnaby Street.
It's going to be so romantic.
I have to warn you,
I'm feeling very naughty tonight.
Congratulations.
What can I do for you?
I want a wake-up call for 7 a.m., please.
Good night.
You're in bed, already.
I left a wake-up call
to get an early start in the morning.
I love you.
I've been waiting for this.
I can't believe we're alone at last.
Just you and me.
I'm so horny.
And these bubbles...
...make me feel so...
I feel like...
You know.
When did you stop shaving your legs?
Why don't you just jump in here with me?
I think I made a mistake.
Is my wife in here?
No.
I get confused with the numerous doors.
- I guess this happens a lot.
- No.
- Could you unlock your legs from my leg?
- No.
My right leg is asleep.
Oh, no. Please don't.
It's very hot in here.
It's hot, yeah.
I got a mild case of herpes.
I'll just get out.
Let me just check. I've got a wake-up call.
- You won't believe this. I was in the tub.
- I've been looking for our room.
- This guy came in with a toothpaste tube.
- I went into this lady's room.
- I don't know where our room is.
- It's right here.
They don't even put numbers on the doors.
Here's our English transportation.
Now we'll have some fun.
- Where's the wheel?
- Other side, Dad.
You're driving on the wrong side
of the road.
I realize that, honey.
I'm also on the wrong side of the car.
- I'm sorry.
- No trouble, my dear chap.
I've had this bump for ages.
Now I have an excuse to fix it.
I'm fully covered.
I should thank you.
- Very sorry, again.
- No problem.
God, he was nice.
It's not bad in England, huh?
God, I must say,
the English are certainly...
We seem to have run into a bit of trouble.
What rotten luck.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to get back to our hotel.
An American! Delighted to meet you.
Are you enjoying our country?
If I could get the driving straight...
Don't worry about a little thing like this.
I was driving on the right side of the road...
...which is the left side of the road.
That's the whole problem.
Let me get this for you.
I'll put it back on for you.
Keep that.
Take it back to New York as a memento.
Thank you very much.
That's very kind of you.
There's another one.
Thank you. Good day.
I got the hang of it now.
Just stay on the right side...
Oh, please, let me help you.
No problem. No problem, squire.
No harm done.
- It doesn't hurt much.
- I'll pay for the damages.
Good heavens, no. No need for money.
I'll be all right.
Can I get you some help?
Get you to a phone?
Maybe he knows how to get to the hotel.
I hate to bother you, but we're staying
at the Royal Imperial Windsor Arms.
Royal Imperial Windsor! Very nice hotel.
It's a little small.
Well, you go back the way you came,
and you keep going to...
You've got a bad cut.
We better get you to a hospital.
It's just a flesh wound.
Nothing to write home about.
- Did you say a left or a right?
- Just a left.
Maybe it's broken.
It's just a leg. I have got another one.
I'll just pop into the chemist's.
Be right as rain tomorrow.
The final isn't till Sunday.
Sorry to bother you. You haven't seen
a bike around here, have you?
It's right here under the car.
The tire isn't flat, so we're in good shape.
Thanks for the directions. Sorry for
what happened. You're all right?
- Sure.
- Drive carefully. Have a nice day.
We just drive around this circle.
It should be the second left.
There's the hotel. Hey, look,
there's Big Ben and there's Parliament.
There it is!
I know, I can't seem to get over to the left.
I'll try next time.
Sorry. We'll get out of this jam
in a minute.
Kids, Big Ben, Parliament, again.
Kids.
- We know. Big Ben.
- Parliament.
That son of a bitch!
Look, kids. Forget it.
It's amazing. I cannot get left!
There's Big Ben, Parliament.
"When it's time to relax
One thing stands clear
"Beer after beer
"If you got the time
"We got the beer"
"Reach out, reach out and touch someone
"Reach out, call up and just say, 'Hi"'
What's the matter?
I can't stand it.
I'll never make it through two weeks.
Two weeks is nothing.
It's 14 times as long as yesterday,
and yesterday lasted...
...an eternity.
Why don't you call him?
- Are you crazy?
- What could happen?
Dad could rip out my tongue, that's what.
He wouldn't even notice
if you kept it short.
Okay, I'll just say hello
and good-bye. Short.
I wonder if anything good's on TV.
Should I watch cheese or snow?
- Hello?
- Hello, Jack.
Oh, God, Jack, I miss you so much.
- Do you miss me?
- Yes.
- Really?
- Yes.
I miss you so much it hurts.
- I got to go.
- What?
- I have to eat.
- Your mom's calling you to dinner?
Okay, I'll hold.
- Can we stop? I'm hungry.
- Yeah, Dad. Rusty's hungry.
We've got a schedule to keep.
That's it!
That's the way I want my hair cut!
You don't want to look like a rooster,
do you?
There's Buckingham Palace,
where the Queen lives and works.
Works? What does she do?
She queens and vacuums.
We'd like to check out, please.
Yeah, Mr. Greaseball.
Let's tally up your bill.
Will we really have time
to see Stonehenge?
No problem.
I've calculated the driving time.
If we skip lunch,
we'll make the plane to Paris.
I'm sick of English food. I feel like a blimp.
You look fine.
Don't I just sign?
Pig in a Poke takes care of this.
- It does not include the telephone bill.
- We just made a couple of local calls.
That will be...
...$253 American.
- You're mistaken.
- How could that be?
Who the hell called Chicago?
Audrey, your father
didn't really mean what he said.
Yes, he did.
Not really, honey.
He has nothing against Jack.
He's not really going to cut off his balls.
Are you, Clark?
Okay, I won't.
Let's relax and enjoy the countryside.
This country is eons old, kids.
That's centuries, to you and me.
Charming, isn't it?
It looks like Massachusetts.
It stands to reason. The English settled
Massachusetts. The old pilgrims.
Plymouth Rock. That's where it started.
And speaking of rocks...
See that? That's Stonehenge. Fantastic.
What the hell is this?
Nobody knows for sure. Some think
it's a calendar or an astronomer's tool.
Others think it was built
by men from outer space.
The consensus is that it's
an ancient timepiece built by the Druids.
Whatever, it's been here a long time.
Since 2,000 years before Christ.
It's bound to be here 1,000 more.
Stand over there.
Act like you're setting your watch.
This must be where they sacrificed virgins.
God, I miss Jack.
We've got to go
if we want to catch that plane.
You're right.
Let's go, Russ!
Come on!
Take a last look, kids...
...at one of man's most curious creations.
Built to stand the test of time
and the elements.
War. You name it.
A thing of glory
for a million future generations to see.
And we were here.
Gay Paris. The City of Lights.
This is the famous Left Bank.
Can you guess what's on the other side?
The Bank of America.
Everybody, get closer to the fountain.
If we get any closer, we'll get all wet.
It'll be a good shot.
The Griswalds in front of a fountain.
Major entertainment.
Russ, get in the middle.
Let me take it.
You haven't been in any of them.
I got a good idea.
Monsieur, excusez-moi.
Clark Griswald. United States of America.
My family and I.
Would you take a picture of us?
Je ne comprends pas.
Could you photograph us?
- Oui, oui.
- Merci.
- Le bouton.
- Poussez.
Okay, Russ, get over here.
Fromage!
Non fromage, cheese!
Une idee! Enlevez les chaussures
et dans la fontaine.
Merveilleux, oui!
Les shoes, dans I'eau, vous.
Yeah! Let's take off our shoes
and get in the water.
Yeah, okay. It's fun.
Tres bien!
Cold!
Parfait! Impeccable.
Clark, there isn't anything on that tape
that shouldn't be there, is there?
They took my camera!
There isn't anything on that tape
that shouldn't be there? Remember?
That's gone, right? You erased it?
Yeah, I erased it.
We'll check in and come back for the cases.
Here we are, kids. Chez Griswald.
We have a reservation
for the honeymoon suite.
Mr. And Mrs. Garland.
Clark, look. They must be honeymooners.
Either that or they're Siamese twins.
That's how Jack kisses.
Are you from America?
We are from Chicago.
Chicago. We're from Akron.
We're the Griswalds.
I'm Clark, and this is my wife, Ellen.
And my daughters,
Audrey and Rusty.
You're in Room 714. And please hurry.
I guess it's true. Paris is for lovers.
May I help you?
We're the Griswalds.
We have a reservation for two chambres.
We're the grand prize
Pig in a Poke winners. Oink, oink.
- May I see your passports?
- Of course.
I guess I sign this.
I sign "Griswald" first, right?
No, I put "Clark."
I put "Clark."
We don't really speak French.
This is our first day.
What do you think? C'est magnifique, huh?
I'll go get the kids.
Good idea. We'll get a move on.
- Where's Dad?
- I'm right here.
Just looking for the Bible. There it is.
Everybody ready?
We got a schedule to keep.
I vote we don't see any more museums.
I vote we don't get anything else to eat.
What's this?
Do I detect a note of dissension?
Yeah, Dad. Paris sucks!
Everyone's so rude.
- Come on, we're the visitors here.
- This isn't Wally World, it's a country.
We're the ambassadors of America here.
To be accepted, we have to fit in,
speak the language...
...wear French clothes.
That's why I got us all berets.
Come on, Dad.
This is really rank.
Come on now, Russ. Loosen up.
You don't want to look like a tourist.
All the French wear these.
It's the national hat.
I won't wear it. It looks stupid.
No girl will want to talk to me.
Then I guess they'll all talk to me.
I vote for berets.
I second the motion.
Berets.
That's three-to-one. You lose, fellow.
France is world famous for its cuisine,
so anything will be great.
Order what you want.
Garcon.
Nous voulons commander a dejeuner.
Les enfants desire hamburger et frites.
Coca-Cola for the les enfants.
Votre meilleur vin.
You want the souffl?
My femme would like to
commander the souffl fromage.
Et moi, I'll have the veau, the veal.
Good choice.
Du brie.
Just a little brie, yeah.
We'll get that later. Merci beaucoup.
Okay, just a little bit. That's about it.
Where would you find a waiter like that
in the United States?
Honey, speak the language,
they're going to be nice. Just try.
There she is, kids. The Eiffel Tower.
921 feet of historic landmark.
That's more than an acre to us, Russ.
- Let's go to the top, Dad.
- Yeah. Let's go.
It's magnificent.
It's breathtaking.
I'm glad we decided to be pigs.
Thank your father.
Thanks, Dad.
It's so beautiful, I feel so...
I feel my juices are just...
It makes me so...
I want to write. I want to paint.
I want to sculpt something massive.
I've got a creative urge to...
I wonder if there's a men's room
around here?
Look at those things.
- Let's get our picture taken.
- No, they're silly.
- I'll buy one for Jack.
- Okay.
Rusty.
Russ, what's wrong?
I feel like an idiot because
of this stupid hat you made me wear.
I want to talk to you.
Two things. First, you're never an idiot.
You're a Griswald.
Understand that?
Second, you know I'd never do anything
to injure you.
You know I'd never do anything
to hurt my opinion of myself.
If the beret bothers you, it bothers me.
If it upsets you, it upsets me.
How did you enjoy shopping today?
Wait until you see what I got.
I got it because the saleslady
said it's one of a kind.
I'll never find another like it.
I know it's silly...
...but I only got it for you.
Honey, I wouldn't want the kids
to see me in something like this.
Sparky, it's our first night in Paris.
Let's do something romantic.
- I'm taking you out to dinner.
- "Out"?
I felt like staying in.
I thought it would be really nice
to be alone.
I'd never go anywhere without you.
Cheer up.
I promised you a night on the town.
We'll see some French culture.
You'll love it.
Down with the feet, hip distance apart...
...stomachs pulled in, buttocks tight.
Let's start with head rolls.
To the right and back and left and forward.
Isn't this great?
They've done this for eons in France.
This is real culture.
Exhale and raise your arms over your head.
Reach with the right...
Clark, could I have the coat check?
I think I've had enough French culture
for one evening.
- Look.
- I am looking.
Back there.
- It's just a hooker. They're everywhere.
- Look who she is with.
Russell Griswald.
Oink, oink, my good man.
- How did you get in?
- I paid.
- I'm surprised at you.
- I'm surprised at you, Dad.
Don't talk back.
- Who was that cheap slut?
- Cherie's not a slut.
I'm disappointed in you.
Who said, "When in Rome,
do as the Romans do"?
I said Rome, not Paris.
This is Paris, and you're drunk.
Hold it!
Let me have it!
Today is my turn.
- Give them to me.
- No!
Look what you did to them.
They're mine!
How many times do I have to tell you that?
Will you slow down?
The kids are exhausted.
It closes in 15 minutes.
There are 100,000 works of art to see.
Great. Are you happy, Dad? She's dead.
I'm proud of you guys.
We've seen everything in Paris,
and we're on schedule.
Can't we slow down a little bit?
I'm exhausted.
We'll have a relaxing time
with my relatives in Germany.
Enjoying Paris?
Have you seen the Louvre yet?
Not yet.
The Left Bank is charming.
We plan to go there.
- Been up the Eiffel Tower yet?
- No, but it's on our list.
Have a good time.
What a waste. We've seen 10 times
as much as they have.
Hi, sweetie. You want some breakfast?
I'm not hungry.
He's got his hands on her tits
right at the table.
Stop staring.
European standards of public behavior
are different than ours.
But they're from Akron.
Audrey, I've missed the shit out of you.
Luckily, Debbie came by to cheer me up.
- That bitch!
- Something the matter, Audrey?
It's time we asked ourselves
this question:
Is this relationship strong enough
for us to consider seeing other people?
I think it is.
Pass the croissants, please.
And the butter and jelly.
I'm glad your appetite's back.
Who have I got to be thin for?
He's going to pork her.
He isn't going to pork her. Now eat.
I think he is.
He may pork her. Just eat, okay?
There it is, kids.
My motherland.
Dad, Grandma's from Chicago.
Shut up, Russ.
I can't wait to meet our relatives,
in person.
Dipplestrabe.
What are we looking for?
- Sechs.
- That will do, Audrey.
That's German for "six."
Is that true?
My family and I are looking for sechs.
There's number six.
Fritz, Clark Griswald. Good to see you.
Remember Ellen from her letters?
There she is.
And Rusty and Audrey.
They've gotten bigger since the pictures.
Sorry we're late. I went to
the wrong door. Thanks for the invitation.
This must be the German dining room.
Isn't it nice?
Clark, it's just as I imagined.
It's so quaint.
Yeah, maximum quaintness.
You must be Helga. We made it.
You know Ellen, my wife,
and Rusty and Audrey.
Let me help you in the kitchen.
Come on, kids.
Go help in the kitchen. Help Helga out.
So, Fritz, how you been?
Long time never seen.
Here's your cousin Al.
He's a hotshot lawyer.
They'll probably get him on tax evasion.
Here's the baby.
You don't believe that cock-and-bull story
about the baby being premature?
I didn't think so.
When me and Jack got together,
we'd been seeing other people.
But this is different, because Debbie
is my best friend, don't you think?
God, it's so good
to have someone to talk to.
I tell my parents stuff but they don't seem
to know what I'm talking about.
- What are you talking about?
- You see?
God, I miss Jack.
I was just thinking.
Blood really is thicker than water.
It's amazing how family ties
break through language barriers.
This has been my favorite part of the trip.
Dad, look. Bedpans.
You've been so sweet. Here's our address.
When you come to Chicago,
come stay with us.
Thanks for the marvelous conversation.
We'll write.
A festival.
It looks like fun. Come on, kids.
- What's your name?
- Claudia. And yours?
- I'm Rusty.
- Hello.
Do you ever get to leave here?
What's so funny? This is great, isn't it?
I love these.
Who wants bratwurst, mustard and relish?
Holy shit!
Hey, you! Come on!
Very good. We need one more.
A big strong man.
Hey, you! Come on!
Come on, don't be afraid.
I don't know if I can do that.
Just follow the others.
Isn't he great?
- Those bells haven't rung in years.
- What does it mean?
They're going to hang somebody!
Dad.
Hurry up!
Oh, shit.
- It's too narrow!
- There's plenty of room.
I know this car.
Get out! There goes the paint job.
Why the sour puss?
You ruined what could have been
the best day of my life.
What are you complaining about?
I lost my boyfriend thanks to this vacation.
- I vote we stop talking about Jack.
- I vote for that.
I vote we don't talk
about schedules anymore.
Me, too.
I'm for that.
I vote we don't talk at all until we get
to Rome and everybody calms down.
Maybe then we can act
like mature human beings.
Clark, I thought we'd talk.
What are we doing?
We're going to a travelers checks place
to get our money refunded.
We'll rent a new car, buy some clothes...
...and finish the best goddamn vacation
of our lives.
Let's go.
I think Dad's lost all sense of reality.
Let's get out of here.
What are we going to do with him?
Kill him?
Don't be stupid. We never kill anyone.
Then, what do we do?
I've got a better idea.
We can hold him for ransom.
He must be worth something.
Clark! I think this is something historical.
It looks real old, Dad.
That's great. We'll see it later.
Only four more miles. Let's go.
What we need now is a dupe.
Someone above suspicion...
...who will believe anything you tell him.
A real idiot.
Anybody here?
We have no proof
we lost the travelers checks.
We left the stubs in the suitcase.
Can I help you?
I'm Clark W. Griswald. We're
the grand prize Pig in a Poke winners.
We're in a bind. We lost our luggage,
a videotape camera, rented car...
...and $1,000 in cash.
So, I'm just here to get my money back.
I certainly hate to see
our customers inconvenienced.
- Name?
- Clark W. Griswald.
Ellen Griswald.
These are our children, Rusty and Audrey.
Come over here. Show yourselves.
Here we are.
Excuse me. We lost only $1,000.
This is $3,000.
That's to make up for your trouble.
I lost about $200.
Stay quiet. We'll get you out later.
Unfortunately, we somehow
misplaced the key to the trunk.
If you tell me where you're staying,
we'll send the key there.
At what hotel are we staying?
- The Nazionale.
- Very nice.
I didn't know you rented cars.
I'll see you, then.
Let's see some Roman ruins.
We've been in these clothes for ages.
Let's go shopping.
I vote for shopping.
I feel totally scuzzed out.
We'd all look good in some Italian fashions.
Got plenty of money.
- You look cool.
- I feel cool.
Looking good, Mom!
Let's go. We ready to conquer Rome?
I'll be back and we'll hit the fountains.
I'm terribly sorry. Are you all right?
No problem at all.
It's you. The guy from London.
You're the American I ran into.
What are you doing in Rome?
On sick leave. A little holiday. Recovering.
Still on holiday with the kids?
Yeah, we're here.
We've just been out shopping.
Nice choice.
They're right there.
Kids, look who it is! Say "hi"!
You've got a cast on your leg.
This? Think nothing of it.
Hardly matters at all.
It's just a big sock, really.
That's pretty nice of you. I feel bad.
At least, let me give you a hand.
No, thanks!
Isn't this your hotel?
No, my hotel's over there.
Have a nice holiday.
Okay. Cheerio!
This is the Piazza Navona.
Jack?
It's one of the most fabulous squares
in Rome. What's wrong?
I want to go home. I miss Jack.
We have a few more fountains to see,
then the Colosseum.
I don't want to see the Colosseum.
I want to see Jack!
Jack will always be there.
The Colosseum will always be there.
It's been there 2,000 years.
If I don't go home soon, Jack will fall
in love with Debbie, and I'll die.
Don't you want to see the Colosseum
before you die?
I hate you.
I'll meet you later at the hotel.
What about the fountains?
I'm fountained out.
Clark, let him go.
We're leaving in two days.
These are our last moments together
as a family.
Dad, we've been together every second
for the last two weeks!
By the way, I've been good.
I haven't complained or tried to escape.
Why can't you treat me like a man,
for once?
Because you're not a man.
I am, too!
I'm 15 years old, a world traveler.
I have a part-time job.
I need my independence.
If he's going, I'm going.
Why don't we give the kids
some free time?
Sure. Let them go.
They're just a couple of ingrates.
They're not ingrates, they're teenagers.
- Where's my allowance?
- Where's my passport?
Just a minute!
Let's settle down and be reasonable.
If we think about it,
we can all make some compromises.
Oh, my God!
- Take it easy.
- I don't believe this!
This is the most humiliating thing you've
ever done to me! This is the last straw.
It's not my fault they stole the camera.
You promised to erase it!
I was going to erase it.
The guy stole the camera.
This is the lowest, the worst, Clark!
Where are you going?
We're going to the Colosseum at 2:00.
I'm going back to the hotel!
We didn't vote on that.
Forget your vote!
I'm seceding from the Union...
...forming my own government,
and declaring war on you!
- She knows I didn't do it on purpose.
- I don't blame her.
Yeah, it's not even a good likeness, is it?
I guess it's just you and me, Audrey.
Buongiorno.
That's bellissimo.
Really choice?
And I think that
you are really bellissimo also.
You're not too shabby yourself.
- You speak English?
- I'm from California.
All right! I'm from Chicago.
Do you want to go scarf
some grimace proportions?
What are you doing in Rome?
Traveling with my folks.
Me, too. We won...
- Pig in a Poke. I saw the show.
- You saw the show?
You answered the Thomas Edison
question and won car wax.
- You remembered?
- Yes, I thought you were cute.
You thought I was cute?
Finally, there's one of them.
And she's alone.
Let's get the guy out of the trunk.
Too many people here.
We'll move the car first.
I'll get the keys from her.
I hate to see a beautiful woman
drink bad wine.
Then you should leave,
because I'm going to get plastered.
What is it?
Is it your husband?
That pig?
He's not a pig.
He is a pig. He is!
Thank you.
Operator, I'd like the number
for information.
I want to call the airport.
Numero, please-o.
Pan Am.
Va bene. Non si preoccupi.
Faccio io. Lasci stare.
E stata una disgrazia.
Ora rimedio io, piano piano.
Che fa?
Then I rolled on the floor
and started going...
I was completely naked.
Not completely, I had on a towel.
He promised me he'd erase that.
He promised me he'd erase it.
I'm a ruined woman.
I thought this was going to be...
...like some kind of second honeymoon.
We should have left the children
with Helga and Fritz.
I'm sorry, but I should go to my room now.
I'm going to throw up.
Let me help you.
No, no. I'll be fine, really.
I think you'll feel better if you lie down.
I have a philosophy
about dealing with my parents.
If I'm in school or hanging out
or something...
...there's all this pressure
to act cool or do the right thing.
But if I'm with my parents,
who really cares?
They don't know what's cool and what's
not, so I just put everything on hold.
That's a great way to look at it.
I'm having a great time.
Me, too.
Imagine coming all the way to Rome
to meet someone from California.
Whatever happened to us?
We were high school sweethearts.
We never even did it until we got married.
Well, at least until we decided to.
And I left him all alone in that piazza.
I said the "F" word in front of my children!
What kind of woman am I?
Exciting.
Don't fight it, Ellen.
What are you doing?
Let me take you away from this.
I don't want to be away.
I want my Sparky back.
It was just a little argument.
He'll be here any minute.
He's very jealous.
I'm calling the manager.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Are you taking any calls?
The police are here.
Stay away from the Fiat.
I'm leaving.
I'll be right down.
Debbie, Audrey!
We've got a score to settle,
and you know what I mean!
If you want to salvage our last shred
of friendship, do me this favor.
I want you to book me on a Pan Am
flight out of Rome into Chicago today!
Yeah, I'll hold.
Bitch.
Take the car keys!
Find your father!
Don't move.
Mom, where are you going?
- What's wrong?
- Mom's been kidnapped.
- Where's the car?
- Over there. Here's the keys.
There they are!
Hey, Dad, there's the Colosseum!
I've talked so much. What about you?
What are your parents like?
There's really not that much to say.
They're just normal parents.
My Dad's all right.
He's a little slow sometimes.
God, that's Dad!
- What happened?
- Not much. Mom's been kidnapped.
Darn it all!
Excuse me. There's a man in the trunk.
I'm coming!
Take my hand!
Clark, where are you going?
Get back here!
You bastard!
Come here.
Still on holiday?
Sorry. I'm looking for someone else.
No problem. I'm used to it. Good luck!
He kidnapped my wife.
You all right?
I love you, Sparky. You're my hero.
I know.
Your parents are actually pretty cool.
Yeah, they're good
for a few laughs, sometimes.
Now can we go home?
Look.
The Statue of Liberty.
I never thought I'd be so glad
to see the Statue of Liberty.
Me neither.
The great thing about traveling
is you really appreciate coming home.
I've got to go.
I never realized
how much I've missed America.
I bet America's missed the Griswalds.
I'm very sorry. Let me get...
My jacket is caught.
Yup. The Griswalds are back!