National Lampoon's Gold Diggers (2003) Movie Script

George Calvin Menhoffer:
All we evervvanted was love.
Oh, and sex.
And money.
Money first, then sex, and then love.
Orvvas it love and then
sex and then money?
No, no. Definitely money first.
I was conceived in Las Vegas, Nevada.
In less than two hours
my birth parents met,
Consummated, and
ended their relationship.
And nine months later on the
mainstage of the pussycat club,
Mom's water broke,
And with awhoosh, I was born.
That's me, George Calvin Menhoffer.
Cal for short.
My best friend's parents
met at this drive-in theater.
It's nowa Starbucks.
We think it was in this public bathroom
Inside this filthy stall,
Where sperm met egg
And little Leonard Smallwood came to be.
He's so cute you just
want to shmoosh him.
Here's the orphanage where
Lenny and I grewup together.
It's nowa Starbucks.
That's me and Len around age six,
And that's old sister Mary.
Ugh...what aface.
At 16 we hit the road in
search of the American dream.
Big bucks, cool parties,
fast oars, and women.
More specifically, that woman.
Oh, you won't believe the things I'll do
To spend a night with her.
We quickly realized life can
be cruel to a couple of orphans--
Road kill crew, Norman, Oklahoma.
Sanitation engineers,
Kansas City, Kansas.
Minimum wage and
all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Human shark bait, P.T. Cartwrighfs
freak showand circus.
Wabash, Indiana.
Those freaks, uh, good people.
After seven years,
the American dream
Was nowhere in sight.
But things were about to change.
Destiny led us west to the
dream capital of the world--
South central Los Angeles.
Broke, desperate, and starving,
I came up with an ingenious, flawless
Brilliant plan
that would ultimately
change our lives forever.
I don't knowabout this, Cal.
If you wanna buy food, Len,
you gotta have money.
Ifsjust the way society works today.
But we've never done
anything like this before.
I'm sick of working for
minimum wage, man.
We're bustin'our asses
and gettin'nowhere.
Riding public transportation
with a bunch of pathetic losers.
No offense.
I like your hat.
We deserve betteryou and me.
Don't worry, buddy.
I got big plans for us.
You gottatrust me, okay?
I'm with ya all the way, Cal.
I'm tellin'ya, man.
Our luck is about to change.
We are this close to having our
share of the American dream
And all the goodies
that go along with it.
Does that include fries?
Damn straight, buddy.
Think of today, this very moment
ls our-first step straight to the top.
And let's never-forget what
sister Mary used to tell us--
Take this, you little piece of shit?
Such an unhappy woman.
You know what, though?
We're gonna showher.
Success is the best revenge.
You're a genius, Cal.
I know, buddy. I know.
Here we go.
She looks nice, I guess.
Come on. Once you get
through this first one,
the next one's gonna
be easy, all right?
It's gonna be like taking
candy from a baby, Len.
Let's do this on three, okay?
All right.
Go. Just go.
(slowmotion) what the...?
' Got it!
' Got it!
Oh, my god!
Woman: that man took my arm!
Somebody stop him!
Somebody help! He got my arm!
Is anybody gonna help?!
(stuttering) I'm sorry.
L--I'm sorry.
I can't believe you stole my arm!
And you're gonna... I gave it back!
I can't believe you!
Hang in there, Len. I'm 0omin'!
Don't hurt him! He'sjust a boy!
Hey, Steve.
Open gate one.
See ya, Marty.
An amputee! W-what are the odds?
Every day with the amputee.
I keep telling you
it's a million to one.
Come on, we gotta get
our act together, man.
No more screw-ups.
We're bright guys, you and me.
Back at the orphanage,
Sister Mary always
said to turn to the lord,
And he'd have all the answers.
What would god tell a couple of
entrepreneurs like you and me to do?
That's far enough, ladies!
Hey! Hey!
The bags, mama!
Hand over the bags, or
we'll blow your heads off!
The bags! You ol'bags!
I think they might be deaf, Mordecai.
Wait a minute. You're not Jewish.
Don't make me pop
a cap in your ass.
'Cause I vill. I'll pop za cap
Right up in the ass!
Now, hand over
that bag, you ol'bag!
Oh, god!
I'm blind!
I'm a loser.
Yes, sir, afool.
that's what I am, Lenny.
A pathetic fool.
So two old ladies got the better ofus.
Life can't get anymore
humiliating than that.
Yeah, well. You got a point there.
Hey. ..buddy...
Why don't you take a
picture. It'll last longer.
We were robbed, uncle Walt.
After leaving the bank,
begging for money.
We could've been killed!
I sawmy life flash before me.
Can you begin to imagine
Howdepressing that is?
We're gonna lose our home, you nut!
You know what I love?
The smell of Nazi fear.
That magnificent aroma--
like daisies.
Only putrid.
Where's our money, uncle Walt?
June 6, 1944, d day.
Bombs exploding all around!
Nazis dropping like flies.
God, I wish I was there!
It's syphilis, I'm telling you.
It's advanced syphilis.
What's the stupid meeting about?
I'm a busy man, dammit!
Our money, our inheritance.
We have nothing left, uncle Walt!
Forget about it already.
It's gone. Long gone. All of it.
I wanna see what's
in that safe of yours!
Jesus, I love the word shrapnel.
Howcould daddy put
this deranged lunatic
In control ofourtrust?
You're destroying us, uncle Walt!
The battle of the bulge, Doris.
Ever hear of it?
I missed it by this much.
Patten, that son of a bitch,
kept me in Newark
Distributing how to
avoid V.D. Pamphlets.
You're a sick, twisted freak!
A liar, and athief!
And you're mean.
Howdare you insult
aworld war ii veteran?
Who almost died for his
country ifhe would've fought.
Howmany times is someone
Gonna point a gun at me this week?
You'll pay forthis,
you son of a bitch!
Yeah. that's what Hitler said.
Look where he is now--
Burnt up to his ass!
He needs so much therapy.
We're gonnawind up in one of
those state-run nursing homes
With one of those sadistic nurses
Giving us high colonicsjust for laughs.
Couldn't we take out
a second on the house?
We already took out a
second, athird, afourth.
I should've married Bruce
when I had the chance,
And you should've married Julian.
They were 93y-
We never should've
introduced them to each other.
I don't wanna end up in
one of those homes, Betty.
Who does?
Let's go home.
Oh, god, did I hit another oat?
I've got it.
The answerto all our problems.
Which one of you scumbags
is Menhoffer and Smallwood?
Looks like your
luck's about to change.
We're being transferred
to a mental institution?
The charges against you both
were dropped this morning.
Oh. those two helpless old
ladies you guys tried to murder--
they left you this.
Did hejust say murder?
Oh...take awhiff, Len. Take awhiff.
Mmm. Smells like paper.
What's it say?
Oh, man...
Oh, mama...
You're not gonna believe this!
Say your good-byes to
these pathetic losers
'cause they just got cheated
out of the best two asses
In the whole damn prison.
Are you sure this is
the right address?
Yeah. Yeah, this is it, all right.
I got a bad feeling about this.
Hey, wait!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Where you goin'? Where you goin'?
Come on. Take your
skirt off, baby. Let's go.
Ifsjust two nice old ladies, huh?
Just two...filthy rich, nice old ladies.
I guess they did drop the charges.
That's right. And they
invited us to brunch.
You think to apologize?
It's the least they can do.
Bonjou r.
Uh, we're here to see Miss Mundt
And Miss Mundt.
Door's open, fellas.
Shake ifofiand come on in.
Shake what off? How'd you
like a punch in the mouth?
Go ahead.
You go ahead. Go ahead.
(this could be the start
of something big playing)
Oh, man...
Is this place cool orvvhat?
You're lookin'in someone's eyes
You suddenly realize
that this could be the
start of something big
Can you even begin to imagine
the kind of erotic
parties I could throw
In a joint like this?
Betty: hey-
You two little jailbirds.
Is that them?
I think so.
Which of you two elegant gentlemen
Is Cal?
These are for you, Miss Mundt.
Oh. ..please.
Call me Betty.
Howvery asian of you.
What? What?
His tongue swells up
when he gets nervous.
Would you two boys care for a, uh,
Sake martini?
Do you want to go into
the living room and sit?
Let's...let's go into the living room
And sit.
Um, I just wanna say I feel terrible
About what I did to yourtesticles.
They swelled up
like grapefruit, ma'am.
Actually, it was more like tomatoes,
Two big, bright red
beefsteak tomatoes.
Beefsteak. Yeah.
Would you boys like
a nice piece of candy
To suckle on?
Thank you, ma'am.
Come on.
Come on. Here.
Here you go.
Got one.
There was a... Hair on it.
I retain water like the hoover dam.
Have you ever seen
the hoover dam?
Betty: I have that kind of bloat.
So, uh, howdoes it feel
to be out and about?
Well, ma'am, this may come
as a complete surprise to you,
But prison life...
Isn't for everybody.
Especially us.
And I wouldjust like to say that
Me and Cal are real
sorry we tried to rob you
In that filthy, filthy alley.
You weren't planning on
molesting us, were you?
With what?
These boys are not molesters, Doris.
They'rejust criminals.
And Pmjust curious...
Why the sudden change
of heart, Miss Mundt?
Betty is fine, Leonard.
Hmmph! I'm so relieved to hearthat.
You know, um,
looking at those suits,
I can only begin to imagine
Howbrutal life has been for you.
All you boys need
Is one good break.
That would be nice, Miss Mundt.
Betty, Lenny.
Your last name is Lenny?
L gotta pee.
I gotta pee in the house.
I gotta pee, see?
Down the hall and to the right.
Oh, and don't forget to lift the seat
Because we would hate to
have any tinkle on ourtushies.
Cal: Lenny, you wanna
come with me?
Oh, isn't it cute?
They go to the bathroom
togetherjust like girls.
Marry Betty and Doris?
The Mundt sisters?
The two out there
in the living room?
I'm telling you. they're perfect.
It's brilliant. It's the
answerto all our problems.
I'm gettin'that bad feeling again.
Hey, hey, hey-
Once we take that
long, terrible walk
Down the aisle and stammer out I do,
We become the legal
heirs to their entire estate.
Now, stick with the plan.
We marry them, we insure 'em
And we kill 'em.
You got that?
Let me hear you say it.
We marry 'em, insure 'em,
then kill 'em.
They're lonely, wealthy women
Lookin'for some lovin'
In their waning, waning years.
You think that's--
that's why they invited us here?
A-and dropped the charges?
Of course, Len.
Are you kidding me?
To broads like that,
You and me are fresh, young meat
Hot off the stud truck.
They'll never go for it,
Betty. We're too old.
Speak foryourself.
I happen to have-- shh!
...a body of a 20-year-old.
Take a good look at these.
Look at these fresh babies.
In describing your babies,
the word fresh does
not come to mind.
Dammit. We don't look any different
than we did in 1965.
We can do this. We have to do this.
They're never gonna go for it.
they're never gonna go for it.
Len! those two women
out there are wild about us!
Listen to me. Our
dreams of the good life--
No. Your dream of finding
your one-and-only
Ain't never coming true
Till we got plenty of dough to burn.
I mean, thafsjust the way it is.
We've been handed the
opportunity of a lifetime here.
Will we have to hold
hands with them?
Do we have to see them naked?
Will we have to dance with 'em?
Do we have to fornicate them?
Will we have to have
Oral sex with them?
Seniors are very oral.
How long until they buy the farm?
See, that's the brilliant part of it.
I mean, did you see the way they walk?
the way they breathe?
Six months.
A year at best.
Now, we have to keep convincing them
that we're rolling in dough.
I know. Maybe we could
showthem the movie.
Everybody loves that movie.
Nowyou're thinking.
Oh, wow. Your own theater.
Very cool.
Betty: our old man
was a real film buff.
He built this himself
Back in the late '30s.
What did your old man
do to make all this money?
He stumbled on a
product that's used today
By practically everyone.
All except the Catholics.
Toilet paper?
Catholics use toilet paper.
What am I thinkin'of?
You boy's will get a
real kick out of this.
Have a seat, fellas.
Doris: so, what'd you think?
Was the man in the
movie really your father?
Handsome, wasn't he?
You guys must be worth millions.
Doris: oh, who's counting.
Let me show you afamily heirloom.
This is the very first Mundt condom.
It's so big.
(snorts) oh, you think that's big?
Doris: Men were
men back in the day.
But I gottafunny feeling
that you boys'll meet our needs
Just fine.
Lenny: Cal's got a
wanker like a stallion.
Black stallion.
I like this one.
He's got a rapiervvit.
Is it just me
Or does anyone feel
Something magical
is taking place here?
Do you boys feel something
magical is taking place?
Betty: oh, boys!
Cal: this is some
strong tobacco, hey, Len?
Lenny, do you prefer
missionary or doggie?
Oh...I'm allergic to dogs.
No, I mean lovers!
What kind of lovers are you two?
Well, Betty, first of all,
I should explain that due to
our deep, religious beliefs,
We're actually, uh,
not allowed to do any
Humping or bumping
of the uglies until
Afterthe vows of
marriage are complete.
Oh! I thought you would never ask!
Lenny, are you excited?
About what?
About the wedding?
Did--did I just ask you to marry me?
Cal just did!
I did?
And we said yes!
We said yes! Yes!
Looks like we're
gettin'married, buddy.
This is some good shit.
What amend we 'nave
A friend we have in Jesus
In Jesus
What a privilege
A privilege it is to carry
To carry
We can carry everything
Everything, everything
Oh, everything, everything
Everything, everything
through god and prayer
thank you, sister.
Your face ain't too much to look at,
But your lungs are truly heaven-sent.
Oh, thank ya!
Amen to that!
All: Amen!
There are many kind of love,
brothers and sisters.
There's love between
a man and a woman.
That's one kind of love.
There's love between two women.
That's another kind of love.
I like that kind.
And there's a love between
a man and his monkey.
Dat der called monkey love.
You ain't had no love
until you done had yourself
A little monkey love!
What the hell are you talking about?
I'm talkin'about love, woman.
This is aweddin', ain't it?
What a day to fall off the wagon,
Starin'at this shit in front of me.
But I feel good, baby!
Just scroll down to
the legal mumbo-jumbo.
Whateveryou want, mama.
Do you...
George Calvin the Hoff en.
Do you...
George Calvin Menhoffer,
Take this woman
To be your lawfully wedded wife
To have and to hold--
Do you--
Yes! What?
Yes, I do!
She does! Amen!
Amen. Amen. Amen.
Do you...
Groom number 2,
Take Doris Lupe Mundt
To be your lawfully wedded wife?
To have and to hold
Till death do your ass part?!
(slurring) I do.
He's all swelled up. It's his tongue.
I'll take that as ayes.
Oh, no. It is ayes.
It's definitely ayes.
Then by the power vested in me,
By the state of Cali-forn-i-a.
I nowpronounce
you mans and wives.
Nowyou may kiss your brides.
But somebody give me a blindfold.
I don't wanna see this shit go down.
Pucker up, lover.
Boy: ew!.
Praise the lord!
And Amen to that!
Swing down Iowswing down chariot
Stop and let me ride
Swing down chariot
stop and let me ride
Ride, lord ride, lord...
(intro to you scare the daylights outta me)
Scares the daylights outta me
Oh, too good to be true
You got me goin'
I don't knowifl can take it
Lovin'you, yeah
Scares the daylights outta me
(bed squeaks)
You know, by law,
A marriage isn't legal
Until it's consummated.
Let's not do anything crazy, okay?
Keep it respectable, shall we?
My boy, lollypop
You make my heart go giddyap
You are atreat that's dandy
You're my sugar dandy
I love you, I love you I love you so
But I don't want you to know
I need you, I need you I need you so
Hi. Remember me?
And I'll never let you go
Oh, my boy"
I've been waiting to do this all my life.
You make my heart go giddyap
You set the world on fire
You are my one desire oh! Oh!
Whoa, you're my lollypop
Where would you like the nuts?
Whereveryou like 'em.
I love you, I love you I love you so
But I don't want you to know
I need you, I need you I need you so
And I'll never let you go
Oh, my boy lollypop
You like it? Yeah, I do. Keep goin'.
You are my one desire
Whoa my lollypop
Okay, let's consummate.
Can't we just cuddle?
I just wanna cuddle!
Later. Later.
Oh! Aah!
Betty: faster! Faster!
Don't touch me.
Cal: lord, make me strong!
What the hell is that thing?
I'm showing you something!
Keep it going!
Watch yourfingers!
Not there with the fingers!
Lenny: Doris?
Cal? Oh, Cal?
Cal? Holy crap!
Oh, dear lord!
(organ music playing)
At this time I would like to invite
Betty and Doris'
husbands to the podium
To say afewwords.
Calvin. Leonard.
First we would like to
thank you all forjoining us
On this very difficult day.
I would nowlike to read
the psalm 28-1.
Unto thee will I cry
Oh, lord, my rock,
be not silent to me.
Lest if thou be silent to me
I become like them
that go down into the pit.
That just about
says it all, doesn't it?
I'll never-forget Betty's smile
Or her childlike giggle.
All those little... Age spot thingies
that she had smattered
all over her beautiful body.
Don't forget about Doris.
Howcould I, Len?
She was so sweet.
So naive.
Such great teeth.
You really loved her,
didn't you, Len?
I guess so. Yeah.
You knowifs so like Betty and Doris
To die in their sleep on the same night.
Their little hearts calling it quits
Within minutes of each other.
We so looked forward
to growing old with them.
Len and I in our 80's...
the girls in their 130's.
Dammit, ifsjust not fair.
(vacuum hums)
You got a, uh...
Got a line over like right there.
(vacuum hums)
We are gonna Miss them so much.
(upbeat music playing)
(laughter, chatter)
What did I tell ya, Len?
Just like takin'candy from a baby.
You're a genius, Cal.
Oh, by the way,
the blonde with the nice boobs...
Is my soul mate.
Her name is candy.
Candy? Sweet.
Looks like you got yourself
a keeperthere, my friend.
Tell me something.
Anything you want, baby.
When was the last time
you had passionate sex?
With another person?
With a beautiful woman
who finds you irresistible.
Well, there was one time--
No. No, never.
Never, actually.
Do you think Betty would
mind if we made love right here
Right now?.
Who? Yourvvife.
She's dead.
Her body's not even cold yet.
Well, I knowit would
help to ease my pain,
My suffering.
I knowifs what
Betty would've wanted.
You are such a sensitive man.
A golden god.
A gift to all women.
I know.
Mmm...the things
I'm gonna do to you.
Oh, god,
You are so hot.
Your body is so tight.
(continues snoring)
Cal: she draws me maps
ofher erogenous zones.
There's 933 points of interest.
Well, at least she doesn't
make you do weird stuff.
Like, lick her pits.
Zone 44.
I've memorized them.
It's not as bad for me, I guess.
Dorisjust wants me to be food.
I've been a cob
salad, an ambrosia--
Don't you find it just a little bit odd
that we all sleep in the same bed?
I want you to see me!
They're in better shape
than I ever imagined.
I'll go down here backwards.
Would you like to see that?
Going down and her are two things
I really don't wanna ever hear again.
No! I'm gonna do a swan dive!
Are you watching? Yes!
This could go on foryears.
You're not watching!
I'm watching!
Can you see me?!
I can see you! Do something already
While we're young! Do it!
Nowifsjust you and me, baby.
I blacked out, Doris!
I could've died.
That's it. What's it?
We have to kill them.
You mean. ..murder?
See, murder is such an ugly word.
Try to think of it more like--
More like self-defense.
I don't know.
Don't you wannafind your
one true love, Len, huh?
Don't you want that, huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
But to kill the girls?
Betty's wearing me down, man.
She's suckin'the lifeblood out of me.
I'm tellin'you, if we don't do
something drastic, like soon,
You're gonna be scattering
my ashes to the wind.
Please, please. Forthe love ofgod
And all that is good and decent,
Just go with me on this, okay?
Help me snuff out the girls.
Betty: those life insurance policies
Pay out only on the
death ofour spouses.
Howmuch rat poison?
Four heaping tablespoons per quart.
Howmuch is a quart?
You need Martha
Stewart to figure this out.
This is just too hard,
this recipe stuff.
Can't we just wound him?
Just slam him over
the head with a mallet?
I told you to leave
your heart out of this.
You are stressing me out!
This is the first time
I've ever killed anyone!
And I need cooperation!
It'sjust that I find Lenny
so sexually attractive.
Maybe it gets easierthe second time.
Be a good accomplice.
Have some compassion.
Have some compassion for me.
I have compassion. Don't I always
show you compassion?
Showcompassion nowand stirthis!
I wanna kill him, and
I don't wanna kill him.
More rat poison.
This is the last time
I ever kill anyone with you.
Hi. You sure the girls are upstairs?
Yeah. they're--
they're in the kitchen.
Didn't you think Doris'
meatloaf was terrific?
So tasty.
I thought it was very dry.
I told you to put gravy on it.
Our cooking days are
numbered, my friend.
In a million years you'll
never guess what this is.
That's impressive, Len.
How'd you know?.
It's written right there on the label.
Wow!. You know,
I never read the label.
So, you wanna kill 'em?
No, just gonna
knock 'em unconscious.
It'll be easierto finish offthejob
lfthey're not squirming around.
Isn't there away that
we could put them into
Like a permanent coma or something?
Only death is permanent.
Who knows with a coma?
You and I could be
livin'up the good life
And then shazaam!
they're eyes pop open!
Won't they smell it?
No. See, that's the genius of it.
It's completely odorless.
Here. Check it out.
(sniffs deeper)
It--it smells like somebody's feet.
Whose feet?
(slurring) I don't smell anything.
You're a genius, Cal.
(giggles) I know, buddy.
I know.
Do you think murder is unethical?
No. then I don't either.
As aristotle once said,
When life throws you a lemon,
Sometimes you just
gotta up and kill somebody.
Did you make this lemonade?
No. the girls made it this morning
Before they headed out
to their gynecologist.
They're not pregnant are they?
Bite yourtongue, man!
Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Wu.
Thirsty. Very thirsty.
Oh. Um... Yeah.
Thank you. thank you.
Oh, chug.
Chug. Chug.
Chug. Chug.
Chug. Chug.
Chug. Chug.
Chug. Chug.
Chug. Chug.
Chug. Hey, hey!
Whoo! thank you.
All right. Whoo hoo!
See what I did? 'cause I went whoo!
And his name's Woo.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, hey, you want some?
No, no. Lemonade always
tastes like camel piss to me.
It's got the-- no, thank you.
I've always been much more of a, uh,
Passion fruit- ice tea man myself.
Those are good, but they
always give you the runs.
They're good, though.
What kind ofham you got there?
Is that, like, smoked
ham or is it regular?
I believe it's regular.
I think they smoked my ham
And I don't like it smoked.
Think we could trade?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
That'll be okay?
I'm fine with that. Switch it out?
What kind of bread you got there?
Same bread as you.
All right, I'll pass it off then.
It's nasty.
I'm not a big smoke guy.
They're smokideverything
nowadays, have you noticed?
(loud muttering)
Looks like Mr. Woo
wants more lemonade.
All gone, Woo.
Poured down drain, Mr. Woo.
Down drain.
All gone, Woo-Woo. All gone.
Hi. Hi! Hi.
That musfve been some
I bet it was.
What about mrs.
Woo and all the little woos?
Medic said it looked
like a massive heart attack.
You should know
that he absolutely
loved your lemonade.
Nobody bagged grass like Woo.
Could he shape a bush!
I'm going insane, Lenny.
You wannafly a plane?
Insane. Insane!
Oh. Insane.
Just kill her already.
You can do it, Cal.
I love you.
(farting continues)
(snoring continues)
Shut the door, shut the door!
Come here, come here,
come here, come here.
Are they still sleeping? Yeah.
I feel faint.
My stomachs upset.
Maybe Pmjust hungry.
Are you sure this is gonnawork?
This baby is a can't-Miss.
We're sure to get at
least one of them.
I hope it's Betty.
Nowlisten to me.
We have to make it look like
atypical household accident.
That's the key to
afirst-class murder.
Okay? Come here.
Here's what I did.
I added a little motor
oil to the petroleumjelly.
It's kinda like my own little recipe.
I call it death by invisible goo.
It's gonna be like
a slip 'n slide in there.
Do you know that more
people are killed every year
In their bathrooms than
on our nation's highways?
Oh, yeah. It's a deathtrap in here.
It's crazy, it's crazy.
Do you think there's
gonna be a lot of blood?
That's the hope, buddy.
There we go.
That oughta do it.
Nowall we have to do is make
an excuse to leave the house.
When we come back, we play
it up big time for the oops.
I'm a genius.
I can't believe
this is what a guy has
to go through nowadays
To earn a buck.
Hey, hey, you just remember
that society's to
blame forthis, okay?
It's their rules that drove
us to this desperate place.
All we evervvanted was
just the best life had to offer.
You know, without
havin'to work for it.
No one told me life would be like this
Nowl knowa hell on earth exists
You'll never know
what I've been through
Shouldn't there be paramedics?
This is very disappointing.
Very disappointing.
Hi. Missed you.
What took you so long?
Did you get the prunes?
Please, tell me you got the prunes.
Aren't you ladies usually showered
And ready to take on
the day by this point?
The drain's all clogged again.
One of you sheds like a dog.
I still don't understand.
What does that have to do
With you guys taking
a showerthis morning?
We will, once he
removes that giant hairball.
Who exactly are we talking about?
The plumber.
Betty: He just got
here afewminutes ago.
(plumber screaming,
glass shattering)
the guy I bought it from
Said it hasn't been fed in weeks.
Are you absolutely positive
this is gonnawork?
I'm sure it'll work.
It's bound to kill
at least one of them.
Well, I hope it's Cal.
(snake hissing)
there you go.
Tell me when it's over.
You tell me when it's over.
Betty: oh, my god.
Are they dead?
I hear it went
straight for his weenie.
Maybe it mistook
it for another snake.
I once asked him
If I could borrowa cup of sugar.
He told me to go sorewmyself.
I'm so glad I forgave him.
Can you see anything, Cal?
Not really. It's pretty dark.
Are these gonna be loud?
You've been to the
movies before, haven't ya?
Betty: Perfect. they're
sleeping like babies.
I can't do this.
If Lenny ever-found out it was me,
He would be so hurt.
Okay. I'll kill yours, you kill mine.
I don't think this is gonna
look like much ofan accident.
It might be a little more complicated
To talk ourvvay out of,
But I don't see any other choice.
This seems a bit extreme.
I think effective is a bettervvord.
Here. I thought these
might come in handy.
I thought these might make
the task a bit more pleasant.
I think I'm gonna puke.
It'll all be over soon enough.
Ready? No.
Okay, good.
You ready?
Are you ready?
Not really, no.
Okay. Good.
On three.
One... Two...
I'm sorry about this
whole tryin'to kill you thing.
Ah, this kind of thing
always happens to me.
It was Cal's idea.
It was Betty's idea.
Whipped cream?
Thank you.
Friends like that are
hard to come by these days.
You're so caring, so unselfish.
They're both insane, but brilliant.
Why did you want to kill me?
Yes. Why?
Why did I want to kill you?
I wanted to kill you 'cause
I wanted to have some fun.
Okay? I want a
blonde nymphomaniac
With perky breasts
and long, tanned legs
And atight little ass.
Oh. Oh, yes. And young.
See, that's the key
word here, baby-- in not old!
Nowwhat is that?
I mean, it's nothing personal.
Killing me is one thing,
But you hurt my feelings.
You tried to kill me.
You don't think that hurt my feelings?!
Yes, it's true, I admit it,
But the difference is
that it was never an afterthought.
I planned on killing you
right from the beginning.
Oh, howromantic!
There should be awarning label
Attached to every one of you broads.
And my ass is little
And my breasts are perky.
Ask anyone.
Yeah. I'll get right on that.
We took these right afteryou threwup
On the roller coaster.
I dry heaved for nearly a half an hour.
This one you look nauseous,
and this one you look dead.
Those were the days, all right.
So...besides all the lies and the deceits
And the trying to kill each other stuff,
Don't you think we made
a pretty good couple?
There's not a person alive who
doesn't think at one time or another
About killing their spouse.
I think it's a sign of a
healthy relationship.
Would you like some more syrup?
Maple or boysenberry?
You choose.
You're so trusting.
You son of a bitch bastard!
You used me!
My bottle!
Don't you dare throvvthat.
Huh? Is that all you got?
Huh? Is that--
Come on, Betty.
Right here, Betty. Right here, Betty!
Hung like a stallion, huh?
A four-year-old has got
more meat between his legs.
Howdare you insult my privates?!
You want a piece of me?
I'll kick your ass.
(gasps) you're gonnafight me?
I'm a woman,
I'm practically in my 50's,
And you're gonnatake me on?
That's right. Come on.
Flying wasp. Come on.
Come on!
I bet if we would've met
under better circumstances,
things might've been different.
Maybe we would've
fallen in love for real.
That would've been nice.
I've never been in love.
As I was staring across the bed
through the haze of the shotgun smoke,
I realized at that moment
that my desperate search for my true love,
My soul mate,
Might be oloserthan I ever realized.
You are referring to me, right?
If I said I love you, Doris Mundt,
Would you believe me?
Do you believe it, Len?
I mean, I'm not anyone real special.
I don't want anyone real special.
You know, we're not
exactly real close in age.
I mean, when you were
in the fourth grade,
I was probably in...
the tenth.
Age is just a number-for
people foolish enough
To let it come between them.
Oh, god, that's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
I know.
I can't believe I said it.
Would you mind
If I kissed you?
Sorry I beat you like that.
Thanks for helping me stop the bleeding.
We have an announcement to make.
Me and Lenny are in love.
For real this time.
Oh, that's so nice.
Is what I just heard the truth, buddy?
Are you really in love?
I mean, with yourvvife?
You rva/ife?!
She's it, all right.
She's the one.
Then I'd say it's a good thing
we didn't blovvtheir heads off.
I wannathank you, Cal.
You always promised
You'd help me find her,
And you came through
just like I knewyou would.
I'm happy for you, buddy.
I really am.
Before we break out the champagne,
Which we ain't got,
May I remind you that
love don't pay the bills.
Betty's got a point.
Dammit! Hovvthe hell
can your uncle Walt
Go and steal all your money like that?
I just told you.
We were so naive.
I know that he's got millions ofour dough
Stashed away inside
that big, fat safe of his.
Have you ladies ever
heard of a little someone
Named lee harvey oswald?
Why? Are you related?
No, but my foster parents were
sure I'd end upjust like him.
Spit it out, Cal.
What are you proposing?
I'm proposing we do
what, in my business,
We call a little of the old b and e.
That's breaking and...
Exiting? Exiting. Good, Len.
Breaking and exiting.
You mean rob uncle Walt?
What have we got to lose?
Nowhe's got a point.
I think he has a point.
Yeah, I think so.
But I'm not sure.
So? What do you say?
Are you with me or are you against me?
Are you in or are you out?
With you all the way, Cal.
(groaning and grunting)
(bones creaking)
Does anyone feel
Something magical
is about to happen here?
(brakes squeal)
It looks different at night.
Doris: he's right.
I'm getting second thoughts.
Hey, we signed offon the plan.
It's a good plan; a damn good plan.
It's a solid plan.
I think it's aturn-on.
Let's rock.
Okay, quiet like
mice, people. Let's go.
I just gotta get the door open.
The handle's over...
Good, good, good.
(all whispering and shushing)
Doris, let Betty go.
Okay, just...
Let Betty go first.
All right, go ahead. Go, go, go, go.
(horn honks)
TV: ...of the 6th of January, 1943,
Supreme allied commander
General Eisenhower
Greets the men of the...
there it is,
Just like I always remembered.
I've never even heard
of a coal chute before.
I told you.
It dates back to the turn of the century.
We used to play in it when we were kids.
Ha ha ha, that's great.
Can we stay focused, please, people?
I'm afraid of the dark.
Don't worry. the dark
will help to hide the rats.
Ah! Did he say rats?
Did I volunteerforthis?
Maybe we shouldjust rethink this.
All right. Lower.
(Doris continues muttering)
Okay, let her go.
(Doris screaming)
Great balls!
What is it, boy?
Spit it out.
Who? (barks)
This is it.
We're under attack.
Honey, are you okay?
Doris: I'm so lucky.
My head broke the fall.
I got rope burned.
So nowwhat?
Did you say nowwhat?
Is that what I heard you say--
Howabout go to the front
door and lettin'us in?
Are you okay, sweetheart?
I took a leak in my pants.
Patton called me a pussycat.
I added the cat part to hide my shame.
This pussycat is gonna
do some serious meowing.
Oh, yeah.
If they think this old foot
soldier's gonna lie down
And wave the white flag,
they've got anotherthink 0omin'.
Bruno, fetch my...
Oh, god.
Please let this be gas.
Okay, phase one is finally complete.
And I think I hear phase two coming.
Holy crap. Bruno.
Showtime, Lenny.
Give him shit, honey.
Hey, poochie.
(growling) hey, poochie.
Nice doggie.
Nice poochie.
(growling ferociously)
(screaming) nice poochie!
Nice poochie.
Okay, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
He's fine.
He's fine.
(screaming continues)
He's right where we want him.
You're a goddamn stud.
Bruno's out like a light.
He munched on a
fewofthose sedatives
We stuffed into the
meat, puked on my face
And passed out.
Good work, cochise.
Phase three, Cal.
Give me the pipe.
Oh, yeah.
Whack the shit out ofhim, Cal.
No, just a little tap.
No, listen to me. Whack him.
No, just atap.
Hey, hey, hey!
Come on, who's the leader here?
You are, snookums.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
My pleasure, honey bunny.
(crystals olinking)
that was just to let you know
We mean business, old man.
Mr. Walter van Mundt,
if that is your name,
Me and my associates ain't here
To play a game of hopscotch.
Wipe that smile offyourface,
Or I'll blowit off.
Hey, hey!
Don't you look away from
me when I'm talkin'to you.
Nowlisten up good, old man.
I'm gonna ask you this
one time and one time only.
What's the combination to the safe?
What's the combination?!
He is some cool customer.
He's dead.
As in not alive?
We've murdered the old bastard.
I have killed so many people.
Well, dammit to hell!
We've got to revive him right now
Or my master plan is
in seriousjeopardy here.
Don't just stand there;
help us. Come on.
Tickle him or something.
Hey! Hey, war guy!
Betty: So do you have any ideas
about what we should do?
I vote for gettin'the hell outta here.
Failure is not in my vocabulary.
Howabout quitting?
Come on, we came here
tonight to get our money,
And we're not leavin'without it.
A good thief is always prepared
With a sound backup plan.
Watch the rug.
He's got a lot of heads in this house.
Boy, he's a heavy bastard, all right.
Gives you awhole newappreciation
Forthose in the moving business.
You think the oops will buy this?
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
Ifsjust gotta look like an accident;
Like he tripped and
fell down the stairs.
Stairs are actually a common
deathtrap to the elderly.
A lot of people don't know that.
Spin him around, spin him around.
Got him?
Okay, prop him up, prop him up.
We're gonna do this on three, okay?
Yeah, well, uh...
that was...
Unexpected .
Okay. Let's go, boys and girls.
Got a date with a safe.
That's a big boy, all right.
We're rich.
Not so fast.
Nowlet's get this straight, Cal.
You're gonna do what to what?
Rip the door off.
Rip the door off?!
That's correct.
Are you experienced
In this ripping the door off business?
No. Well,
And may I ask
Just what tools you're going to use
To rip the door off?
One extra-long chain,
One pea-green Cadillac convertible,
And this brain.
I don't think so.
He can do it.
Are you sure, honey?
Bring up the chain.
Just like taking candy from a baby.
Let me knowwhen
you're in position. Over.
I'm in position.
Say over afteryou
finish, not before. Over.
Gotcha. Over.
Turn her over.
Okay, put the pedal to
the metal, good buddy.
Let's do it!
(loud rumbling)
She's giving way.
Come on! Give it all you got, Len.
What the fuck?
Ramming speed, Lenny.
You bastards.
Stop! Stop!
The brake, Lenny. Hit the brake!
Uncle Walt? What the shit?!
Stop, you maniac!
Doris: thank god he's dead.
This would've really upset him.
Walt's body's not downstairs.
Wouldn't worry...
Wouldn't worry too much about it.
(all gasping)
Oh, my!
You did it.
I did it.
I am a genius.
(all laughing)
Cal: all we evervvanted was love...
And sex...
And money.
Oh, and happiness.
Lenny and Doris
settled into suburbia
Where her art flourished,
Winning the praises oftwo local critics.
They even took in Bruno,
uncle Walfs beloved dog.
He's like a hairy,
vicious child to them.
As for uncle Walt,
We tried to get his ashes entombed
At arlington national cemetery,
But he was flatly rejected,
So we did the next best thing.
Semperfi, uncle Walt. Semperfi.
As for me, well,
I guess one could say
that, in my case, crime did pay...
Rather beautifully.
I missed you.
I was just in the bathroom.
Always take me with you--
promise me.
Whateveryou want, baby.
You know what you are?
A golden god?
A gift to all women.
I know.
Howmuch did you
say you're worth again?
Give ortake.
But it's not all tied up
in stocks and bonds, is it?
That's cash, baby.
The things I'm gonna do to you.
And don't think I forgot about Betty.
We decided being
friends was much better
than being husband and wife.
And I must confess
that Miss Betty Mundt
is one hell ofawoman.
My boy lollipop
You make my heart go giddyap
You are as sweet as candy
You're my sugar dandy whoo!
Wuh-oh, my boy lollipop
Shake that booty, mama.
Never, ever leave me
Ooh, wow!.
I have hit thejackpot.
My heart told me so
You folks may want to
leave right about now,
'cause y'all ain't gonna
wanna see this shit go down.
(balloon POPS)
Ooh! Lord, have mercy!
I need you, I need you,
I need you so
And I'll never let you go-o
My boy lollipop
You make my heart go giddyap
You set the world on fire
You are my one desire
Oh, my lollipop
I love you, I love you, I love you so
But I don't want you to know
I need you, I need you,
I need you so
And I'll never let you go-o