National Lampoon's Movie Madness (1982) Movie Script

Where are you going?
- What's going on?
- You're leaving me, Susan.
You're leaving me.
- But we're having roast beef for dinner.
- I've made up my mind.
You're going out into
the world to have a career.
- I'm going where?
- And I'm gonna change my entire life.
I need you to leave me, Susan,
so I can find out who I really am.
So I can grow. And you need
you to leave me so you can grow.
So you can find out who you really are.
But I thought I was me.
- The Hendersons are coming over tonight.
- I'll phone them.
Susan, by now most people like us
have been divorced at least
once or twice, or maybe separated.
I mean, that's what marriage is all about.
If you don't leave me now,
we could be together until we
die or something, like our parents.
- Jason, I thought we were happy.
- Susan, happiness doesn't make you happy.
Growing makes you happy.
- My kids. What about my kids?
- They'll be fine. I'll take care of them.
I'll make sure they write. Susan,
I'm gonna be a terrific mother.
Bye, honey!
Listen, kids, I wanna talk to you.
What are we having for dinner?
-Where's mommy? -Your mommy had to go away.
-She had to grow. -She already is grown.
No, honey. She had to grow more.
See, people are like food. And mommy was...
She wasn't like a hamburger,
or a can of peas. No.
See, kids, people should
be like nice beautiful fruits.
Mommy had to go away so
she could be a peach or a plum.
- Right now, she's more like a potato.
- Mommy's a potato?
Can we have French fries for dinner?
So, now, I'm gonna do
everything that mommy used to do.
- What did she used to do?
- She made us dinner.
Okay, let's set the table.
Jeffrey, you get the dishes out.
We'll have some dinner.
Okay. Let's see what we have here.
Chicken. I think I'm gonna
get you kids off red meat.
It's bad for your blood pressure.
Just gonna cook this
old bird up like this here.
Just let that get started. How
about veggies? Veggies are great.
I love veggies. This looks good.
How's everyone doing? Good.
-Okay. -Where do we get our fries?
Peppers, we got peppers.
Everyone all right over there?
Some tomatoes.
Dad, I think we may have a problem here.
Look at it this way, kids. The
fire is burning away our past lives.
-Excuse me. You the owner? -Yeah.
- Will you step over here for a second?
- Kids, watch the fire. I'll be right back.
It's a shame. You still got
a nice piece of land there.
You couldn't save any of the house?
I'm sorry. Actually, this is my first fire.
I'm still getting the hang of
it. I used to be in real estate,
but I found I wasn't growing as
a person so I became a fireman.
I know what you mean.
- I guess you'll need a new place.
- There's nothing left here.
Perfect. I still keep my listings.
I figured that when a victim's house
burns down, he's got to live somewhere.
Daddy, goodbye. I'm going
for a ride on a fire truck.
One second, okay?
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'll only charge you half the fee.
I got a lovely two-bedroom
on west 57th street.
I need something bigger. I've got the kids.
How would you like a
fully furnished, eight-room
rent-controlled apartment on a high floor
- overlooking central park on 79th?
- I'll take it.
Boy, you kids are gonna love Manhattan.
It's got the theater and art galleries.
Have you ever been to
an auction at park-bernet?
Dad, we're hungry.
We haven't eaten anything
since we lost the chicken.
How about some clams?
Here comes the surprise I've been
telling you about. Does that look great?
This is the best surprise in the world.
Okay. Now I'm gonna
show you how this is done.
Take a little lemon, squeeze
the juice over it, just like so.
Then you take the cocktail sauce
and mix it in with the horseradish.
Mix it up real good. Smear it on.
Now my favorite. Tabasco sauce.
You kids ever had tabasco
sauce? And here we go.
Ready? Here we go.
Okay, now, everyone get
started. Josh, down the hatch.
Come on, Judy, get started.
All right, Jeffrey, now I'm gonna help you.
Squirt a lemon. A little lemon like that.
Mix in the cocktail and the
horseradish. Judy, how are you doing?
Good? Great! And then a little tabasco.
Just a touch. Okay. Great. Now pick her up.
There we go.
Good! Great, Jeffrey. Chew.
Great. Terrific!
Good morning, ladies. Beautiful
day today. How you doing, Tom?
- Good morning, Mr. Cooper.
- Morning, Carlos.
Come in, Jason.
Arnold, I've got to discuss
something of Paramount importance.
- Why a suit? You going jogging?
- What is it, Jason?
Arnold, I quit.
I know what you're gonna
say, so hear me out on this
because I've given it a lot of thought.
Now, corporate law just
isn't enough for me anymore.
Sometimes a man has to stop being
himself so he can find out who he is.
I know.
Stopping being yourself is
starting being someone else.
And I want that someone else to be me.
-I'm quitting, too. -Excuse me?
I'm moving to Alaska, to trap beaver.
-Beaver, Arnold? -Bye, Jay.
Beaver. Trees.
Plants! That's what I'll do.
-Hello, may I help you? -Here.
Okay, yeah, one sec. You okay?
-No. -Come on in.
What seems to be the trouble?
I got up this morning and I
was running a little late for work.
The plants were making all these
demands and screaming to be watered.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend.
I've been a little bit on
edge, anyway. And I just...
You hit her? Are you... wait...
Are you telling me that
you beat your plants?
Listen, it is not all my fault.
I come from a very long
line of plant batterers.
They warned me that this could
happen if I was in a lot of stress.
Excuse me.
One sec, Josh. Okay, honey.
I have to get the phone. You wait in there.
Take your plant. I'll be right with you.
- I don't think you should give this to me.
- It'll be okay. Just wait in there.
- I want to get the phone.
- I don't think you should leave me alone.
- You'll be fine. I'll be right there.
- Hurry up.
-Hi. -Hi.
-My dad will be right with you. -Okay.
How are you doing?
I don't want you to work too hard. I
want you to save some of that for me.
-Help. -What?
-Help. -Who's that?
Jeffrey. I'm lost.
Jeffrey. Okay.
Now, don't panic. Just stay right here.
All right, Jeffrey, keep talking to me.
Talk to me so I know where you are, okay?
Right, Jeffrey, talk to me. Are you there?
Okay, now, tell me what grade you're in.
-First. -First grade?
One of my favorites.
Get your leaves off me!
All right. Okay. Don't
panic. Don't fear. Get off!
All right, I see you.
I've got you. Grab hold.
Just got to show these
guys who's boss, that's all.
All right, hold on. Daylight!
I'm seeing daylight.
All right, Jeffrey, we're
almost there. I see the couch.
Okay. We're coming up to
the couch. All right. Okay.
All right. Don't panic. Are
you all right? Okay. All right.
Okay. Stop that!
Josh, can't you see I'm busy? Yeah, I know.
- Hold on.
- Daddy, can I have the keys to the car?
Josh, can't you see that I'm...
Hold on, babe, okay.
All right, look, don't be like
your sister, okay? Come back.
Cute kid. No, not you, my son.
Yeah, listen, how's this evening? Dinner.
La petite portion.
Go easy on the wine, will
you? You're only 14 years old.
You look kind of tired.
What have you been doing?
-Monsieur, madame. -Thank you very much.
Wow! What a day.
Three shootings. Avedon,
scavullo in the morning.
And then I had this
real dork all afternoon.
Must have taken a million rolls of
film for this one stupid perfume ad.
Liza, I need you. You're
very important to me.
I know.
You've got innocence, wisdom.
You accept me for what I am.
You're like a child.
What do you mean? I'm a 14-year-old bimbo?
No, age has nothing to do with it.
Look, I can show you a whole new world.
You mean like old rockford files?
-Sushi? -Yeah.
How boring.
Well then, maybe you'd like to...
See a Pavarotti concert.
There's a fassbinder double
feature playing downtown.
No shit.
There's a kiss concert at the garden.
- Give me a break, Jason.
- Liza, what do you want to do?
Liza, I'll tell you.
You've got to understand
what I've been going through.
Sometimes this happens to
guys like me at times like this.
I've had it with guys like you.
We would've done better
seeing that fassbinder flick.
But I'm gonna be much better.
I'm gonna be fantastic. Probably
had too much wine to drink.
-My life is all messed up. -You're kidding.
I think I'm gonna make my parents
send me to a catholic school.
And then I could go
to a secretarial college.
And then I could get a job.
And then I could get
married and I could have kids.
Come on, Liza, where are you going?
Jason, let's face it.
You're impudent.
-Hello, Jason. -Susan.
Sorry to barge in on you like
this, but I only have a minute.
-You want to come in? -It's all right.
I just wanted to come by and tell you
that you were right about
changing and growing myself.
You look fantastic.
Yes, I've done quite well in business.
As a matter of fact, I'm
president of union carbide.
There you go.
That's what happens when you
really want to do what you have to do.
Yeah, I just have this natural flair for
running major chemical corporations.
-Can't help it. -Yeah.
But I haven't forgotten
you and your needs, Jason.
That's why I want you to have my baby.
So, I made a little mistake.
Forgot to bring my diaphragm
to the opec conference
- in Caracas last summer.
- Susan, couldn't you get an abortion?
Jason, you know how it is when you're
a top level executive. There's no time!
My god! I have got to
make this flight to Geneva.
You know how the Swiss are about time.
Tell the kids I'll write.
I haven't heard from
Josh or Jennifer lately.
Yeah. Okay, bye, Susan.
What's its name? Is it a boy, girl or what?
Name... Susan, its name!
Susan, come on.
How can I have a kid if I
don't know what its name is?
What's its name?
Hey, what's its name?
Hey, you forgot to tell me the kid's name!
Oh, god! I don't know.
If it's a boy, I guess I
like the name Adam.
But if it's a girl, I guess I like
the name Rachel. I don't know.
That was my grandmother's name.
She always wanted to be named Sarah.
So how do you know? What
was your grandmother's name?
Mine's Diana. Is yours
David? You look like a David.
No, it's Jason, but I think
I'd be willing to change it.
Keep it down there. You
wanna come up for tea?
I got to find out what kind of kid I got.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
Boy. You probably think
I'm some kind of wanton slut.
No. I'm a much bigger person than that.
I think it's beautiful that you're here.
Just let me put a little mood music on.
That's my kid's. I'll be right back.
I think you're gonna like this one.
I'm like various people.
I'm a cat person.
I think it's really great
that we can get to share
this experience together.
I'm a book person.
- I am a visual person.
- I'm feeling really good about myself.
It's great that we can get
to know each other like this.
You know, there was
so much I wanted to see.
I see.
That's why I went to Morocco
where I married Abdul.
- But you got to start with yourself.
- It ended in divorce.
But then I met Klaus, my ex-husband.
Yeah, he was this biochemist who
was running a news stand in Munich.
Yeah, Liza, my ex-girlfriend,
she was a high school sophomore
who was doing a book report
and working for scavullo.
And I was a chef.
It's beginning to happen. I'm transcending.
And I was having an affair
with this photographer.
I divorced Klaus and married too soon.
Soon! I think I'm beginning to grow.
And then Bruce, my ex-husband,
he told me I had more feelings
than anyone he ever knew.
Susan, my ex-wife, thought I was crazy.
And he was an actor in one of those soaps.
She was out of union carbide.
I'm growing! Oh, god!
That was fantastic.
-You got a cigarette? -Sure.
Sure, let me just... sure.
Oh, boy.
How would you like to go see...
A fassbinder movie downtown?
- Now that's what I call a movie.
- I want to go home.
I don't what you've got
against seeing this again.
It's, like, boring.
You can't get enough of
that fassbinder. It's fantastic!
-Extraordinary. -I really want to go home.
We're going. Listen, I think I love you.
Listen. Why don't we call a cab right now?
Yeah, come on. I'll get a
cab. Let's go. Let's get a cab.
-We're gonna get a cab. -Taxi!
- We're gonna get run over.
- What? We're not gonna get run over.
I'm protecting you. Taxi!
-I got to go. -Not here.
Could you take Jeffrey
right now, just take him?
- I can't handle them both right now.
- Your kid's out there in the street.
Look, I want you to be quiet, okay?
If I'm gonna take care of
you, you got to be quiet.
I can't stand a kid who rattles on and on.
- I got to go.
- Hold it. We'll get home fast this way.
- We're gonna get run over.
- We're not gonna get run over.
We'll get home fast this way.
-Taxi! -I got to go!
- I'm so happy.
- I know you're happy. What about me?
I thought you were happy.
Jason, you've got to give me
the freedom to be unsure of myself.
And you've got no right to
be sure that you're happy
when I'm not sure that I'm happy.
Yeah, I understand what you mean.
Maybe we should call it quits.
I mean we have been seeing
each other for two whole days.
Fine. I'll go get the door.
Is my husband in?
Jason, it's your wife.
-Hi, Jason. -Hello again, Susan.
-I'm going back to school. -Great.
I'm going to Berkeley to get my
masters in urban reproductive recycling.
- Terrific!
- I'm ready to raise the kids again.
- You know, I'm ready for a change myself.
- Good.
So, where's Josh and Jeffrey?
And where's Jennifer?
Jennifer, mommy's back.
We think she may be somewhere in Brooklyn.
Jason, where are my kids?
To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure.
But I think they may be
out finding themselves.
You know, growing. They're out growing.
They'll be fine. They're
going to be terrific.
The baby's still here
and Judy's still here. Judy!
Judy, come on in here.
-Hi, mom. -Judy, my baby.
Guess what? We're going to California.
Did you say you were heading for Berkeley?
Can I catch a ride with
you just as far as Boulder?
I hear Boulder, Colorado, is gonna be
the next videotape capital of america.
-Well, goodbye, Jason. -Goodbye, Jason.
Goodbye, daddy.
-Susan, just a second. -Yeah?
I've just decided. I'm
not happy with the plans.
I'm gonna run for the senate, so
I'm gonna need a kid that can talk.
For interviews. It's gonna be
good for my image. I'll take Judy.
-I like Judy. -I'll flip you for her.
- Are you crazy?
- No, come on. I'll flip you for her.
-You're crazy! -I'll flip you for her.
Susan, taking a chance is part of growing.
All right. I don't have any change.
Excuse me, sir, do you have a
coin? We want to flip for our daughter.
I've got a quarter.
Great. I'll give it right
back. Ready? Here we go.
It seems like it was only a
few days ago when it started.
In fact, it was only a few days ago.
I was just out of college,
but I couldn't get a job.
I was desperate, ready
to do anything to survive.
These guys really slay me.
All I could get for you
was $50 for the night.
Don't worry about it. They're
big business people, hotshots.
They'll be very good for your
career. Besides, you'll get big tits.
I mean, big tips!
Doesn't that kill you? That's
why I'm seeing my own gigs.
-I'm a humorist. -Thank you.
-Well, see you later. -All right.
-Miss razzle dazzle! -Boo!
And here's that sweet treat
you all have been waiting for.
It is miss dairy doll!
Was that your idea?
Steele, you're a genius.
- Show us your tits!
- Yeah, come on, show us your tits, baby!
You are 18, yeah!
-Let's have a butter bang! -A what?
A butter bang!
No, please, no, don't.
Walter Steele and his
dairy executive friends...
Taught me a brutal lesson.
A lesson that would change my life forever.
I learned what a butter bang was.
My innocence had been broken
by a harmless stick of butter.
And I vowed to break the men who broke me.
Good morning, Paul Everest.
I'm Dominique corsaire.
- I've been waiting for you.
- Excuse me, miss, but...
Joyce, we'll do the mail later.
Are you sure, Paul?
-Well, Dominique... -Corsaire.
Dominique corsaire. What can I do for you?
Teach me margarine.
I want to know everything
there is to know about margarine.
Everything? Is that all?
My dear child, margarine
is a ruthless industry.
It's no place for a woman.
But you've never met a woman like me.
-Joyce? -Yes, sir.
I'm interviewing miss corsaire.
Please hold all my calls.
- Welcome to Hong Kong, Mr. Everest.
- Nice to see you.
- This is my associate, miss corsaire.
- Miss corsaire, welcome to Hong Kong.
- Thank you.
- We have a presentation for you.
The excitement of my introduction
to margarine was so thick
you could cut it with a knife.
-It's fascinating. -Yes. I know.
It's almost impossible
to believe that it was once
the mere by-product of
the lowly pitiful soybean.
-That's unbelievable. -Yes, I know.
Come, my darling, this way.
No longer an insignificant little bean.
A wholesome and nutritious
foodstuff known all over the world.
Ideal for all forms of cooking and
baking. Delicious in sandwiches.
Perfect for snacks and on toast.
I'm sorry, I get all carried away.
Someday, somehow...
We'll have an answer to the
most critical question of our time.
Can we make a margarine
that tastes better than butter?
We will, darling. We will!
I love you. And I believe you.
And distribution has always
been our greatest problem.
Of course, we have computers today
to do all the dirty work. I'm not
boring you, am I, my darling?
I feel as if margarine's
been in my blood forever.
Well, it's been a long day.
And I've taught you almost
everything I know about margarine.
Let's take a break.
It's beautiful.
It belonged to my father.
I want you to have it.
It's beautiful. That's beautiful.
Capt. Blake. Change
in flight plan. Due south.
Don't stop.
Paul. Darling, please don't stop.
Why did you stop?
I'm having a heart attack, Dominique.
We'd better call a doctor.
No time. Let me talk.
From the moment we
met, I knew it would be you.
You are like me. You do
have margarine in your veins.
Now, Paul, you're not gonna die.
Shut up, you little funny face.
I can't move.
I have a massive heart
attack and a coronary,
and a cold.
Listen to me. In my attache case
are ownership papers for Everest margarine.
I've signed the presidency over to you.
My darling.
No, don't try to talk, darling.
You must conserve your energy.
It really doesn't matter
anymore. I love you.
I love you so, Dominique.
But I'm dying.
I leave you with...
Massive responsibilities...
And an unlimited expense account.
Only you can lead Everest
margarine into the future.
The rest of my family are
weaklings and degenerates.
They hate margarine.
I will, Paul. I will if you'll
just give me a chance.
Now is this legal or do we need witnesses?
I'm a notary. Get my seal. It's in the bag.
I always travel with it.
You embody the very spirit
of Everest margarine.
- I'm really going now.
- No, just one minute, all right?
One more, real fast.
This document is perfectly legal.
The new president and
chief executive officer
of Everest margarine...
-Is Dominick corsaire. -Dominique.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Everest margarine has
many new worlds to conquer
and many new frontiers to explore.
And I think I need some new clothes.
So, if you'll excuse me.
My condolences to the immediate family.
I missed Paul. We'd shared
many wonderful minutes together.
But he was dead and I needed someone
to help me gain my revenge.
Congratulations, miss corsaire.
My name is Jeff Steele. I'm here
representing the butter industry.
And now that poor Mr. Everest is gone,
I thought that the industries
could learn to live together.
Why not?
Margarine and butter
have to co-exist, Dominique.
There's room for both of us. That's why
I'm on the board of Everest margarine.
Even though your father, Walter
Steele, is head of universal dairy?
You know my father?
I met him once at a party
with some friends of his.
My father lives in the past.
He refuses to recognize anything
but butter, milk, and cream.
I've wanted to merge with
Everest margarine for years.
But the old bastard won't listen.
But if my father were out of the way...
Then butter and milk could merge...
With margarine and
other non-dairy creamers.
The possibilities are enormous.
Aren't they, though?
-I did it! -You did what?
I did it.
My father has this deadly Amazon
Indian blowgun that shoots poison darts.
It was over in seconds. I got
him while he was eating dessert.
We can merge! Butter
and margarine, you and me!
Don't be a fool.
I have no intention of merging with anyone.
This conversation is being taped.
The police should be there any minute.
You're kidding. I know you're only kidding.
You don't mean that, dommy.
You can't do this to me!
You're a cold-blooded murderer, Jeffy.
And stop calling me dommy.
Murderer, me. Yeah.
I did it for us.
I love her. That's right.
Hate her!
Now I wanted to break
the butter business...
And make margarine even
bigger and better than butter.
Thank you.
Kessler, I want you to buy
universal dairy outright.
We can use it as collateral
to buy controlling interest in
the five other big dairy companies.
I want to own them
all. So, do it by tonight.
That's right, Kessler, by tonight.
And tell all the factory managers
that they're no longer making
butter or any other dairy product.
They're making margarine, only margarine.
Thank you.
I was now ready to meet nixos naxos,
the wealthiest Greek tycoon on earth.
I am naxos. This my son, Nicky.
I am Mrs. Naxos.
I am Dominique corsaire.
And I don't like your shoes.
Dominique corsaire, what a woman you are!
Come. We eat.
I have eaten.
But first I must change.
Naxos owns everything.
Oil, shipping, metals.
You see this little silver nail clippers?
Naxos owns them.
That's not why I'm here, naxos.
You are here because you own the butter.
And because you own every
Greek coffee shop in the free world.
We will do business, naxos.
But I'm taking butter off the market.
From now on, you'll serve
nothing but margarine.
What a woman you are, Dominique corsaire!
Come, we break things.
Come, Dominique corsaire. We dance.
When naxos dances, the gods dance!
Come, Dominique corsaire.
We go to Rome and make love.
Rome is so beautiful!
Dominique corsaire, you speak like a poet.
I want to make love again.
- I want to marry you.
- Naxos, you already are married.
I can get married anytime I want.
I am naxos. I make my own rules.
Naxos can marry 50 women.
Naxos can marry a chair!
Come. We go back home
to my island in Greece.
We get married.
You may now kiss the bride.
I got to know naxos'
wife, and his son, Nicholas.
Nicholas was throbbing
violently on the brink of manhood.
Helena was a woman scorned.
I knew naxos would soon discard
me the way he discarded Helena.
I had to avenge myself in advance.
This thing we have
done, is it wrong, mother?
- I'm not your mother, Nicholas.
- But you married my father, mother.
Yes, but you're not my son.
Your father's other wife is your
mother. You are your mother's son.
All I know is that I love you and
that I want you to marry me, mother.
I'm not your mother, Nicholas.
My husband, your wife.
-Your son. -What is this?
I have made love with your son, my husband.
-But you are my wife! -Helena is your wife.
- I am your other wife.
- I am sorry, father. She is my mother.
My wife is also your mother, son!
-Why did you do this? -Because I wanted to.
You wanted to. I wanted to.
Only I, naxos, can make love
to my own son! I am Greek!
But now I cannot. It's ruined!
I will kill you!
I cannot kill you. I love you.
-I will kill you! -No!
I may still want to make love to you later.
You are my son.
Naxos must kill someone! Who?
I will kill your mother.
You have touched me you have wound me
you embitter my heart
you have touched me you have wound me
you torture me forever
wife, your son has made love to my wife.
Someone must die for this.
You are the only one we could think of.
I have done it.
What have I done?
Naxos was convicted of murder.
His final request was to be executed
on his private golf course in monte Carlo.
I inherited the vast empire of nixos naxos.
Any ordinary college graduate
would have been happy.
But, I still yearned for something
money and power couldn't buy.
Go on, Dr. Kleiner.
As you know, I've been experimenting
with margarine in my laboratory.
Yesterday, by mistake,
I brought some experimental
margarine to my mother in the hospital.
-Is something wrong? -She has cancer.
She is 107 years old.
There is in her room by her
bed, a color television set.
The color television tube irradiated
the experimental
margarine before she ate it.
Today, I went to see her.
She was laughing and singing
and dancing all around the room.
And she had the strength to pick up her bed
and throw it at the nurse.
She is cured.
You mean...
If people would only eat our
margarine and watch television,
cancer will be cured!
Then corsaire industries
has found a cure for cancer.
Thank you, Dr. Kleiner.
That'll be all, Dr. Kleiner.
Would this bring the happiness that
had eluded me for a day-and-a-half?
A few hours ago, the
world had no cure for cancer.
Now, thanks to margarine, we do.
It is with sincere pride
that I accept this most coveted
award in western civilization,
the nobel prize.
And I thank you for awarding
it to me out of season.
All america is so proud of you, Dominique.
Thank you, Mr. President.
If it wouldn't be too much to ask,
I would certainly like a sample
of your cancer cure for my mother.
I'd be most happy to give you
anything you want, Mr. President.
Funny, I was going from a Greek
tycoon to a president of the United States.
Usually, it's the other way around.
How do you like this flat? It once
belonged to king Gustav of Sweden.
It's beautiful.
Robert, darling,
why don't you tell me what
you really think? What you feel.
I love you, Dominique.
I have 20 mistresses, but I
don't need any of them anymore.
You've given me more than
any woman could possibly give.
I want to marry you.
You're already married.
I have a surprise for you.
Just a small token of my love.
It's a replica of the presidential seal.
In gold and precious gems. Here.
Let me help you put it around your neck.
No. I'll put it on later.
-Do you like it? -I love it.
-Really? -It's beautiful.
-Let me help you. -Push it up.
-Thank you. -Upsy-Daisy.
- Mr. President.
- Sen. Edmiston, you're looking good.
Congratulations on your latest marriage.
And this must be the little woman.
It must be wonderful being president.
- You remember my wife, the first lady.
- How are you?
How do you do?
This is our guest of
honor, Dominique corsaire.
-Hi. -Welcome.
-How do you do? -Hello.
All Washington is delighted
to give this party in your honor.
You're a fantastic woman.
- Good evening! How nice of you to come.
- Thank you, Mrs. First lady. Hello.
When you have a moment,
I'd like a word with you.
I have the second dance free.
Your husband and I have to do
the first one for the photographers.
Good evening. How nice to see you.
I've never seen my
husband look more relaxed.
- I want him to be happy.
- And you, Lucille...
-Are you happy? -Yes.
Yes, I am. I feel happy with you.
And I with you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
president of the United States,
his wife and his girlfriend.
Ladies and gentlemen of
the press, please be seated.
It's good to see you all here once again.
You all know my wife,
Lucille, our first lady.
At this time, she has an announcement
of some national importance.
Ladies and gentlemen...
I have come to a decision,
which I believe will aid
my husband in becoming
the greatest president the
United States has ever had.
And, in turn, will help our country
to realize its destiny of greatness.
I have decided that it is my duty
to relinquish my role as wife
of the president and first lady
and to yield those
honors and responsibilities
to his girlfriend Dominique corsaire,
the woman I love.
Thank you.
Three days ago, I was
a lonely college graduate
without a job, without love,
without money, without success.
And now, I am the most
powerful woman in the world.
But am I really happy?
Damn right, I'm happy!
"Smog. Killer in the smog.
"The dirty cloak of pollution that
shrouds the foul activities of criminals
and hampers the swift vengeance of the..."
Can you make me 12 copies of this...
Right away?
These old comics, they were great.
The new ones, they stink.
Nothing in real life ever
happens that exciting.
Can you make me 12 copies of this? Now!
-Your driver's license? -Yes, please.
-What do you got, 12 cars? -No.
The bank turned me
down for a vacation loan.
For a vacation, see.
So I've decided to brutally
murder a bunch of women
-to settle the score. -Oh, yeah.
So I thought I'd leave
a xerox copy
of my driver's license
- with my picture and everything.
- Sounds pretty psycho to me.
Okay, gentlemen!
Okay, gents.
Come on, will you kindly do me the honor
of gracing this briefing room with
your presence? Come on, everybody.
Sit down, will you?
- What do you mean, I never read...
- I've been on the force 22 years,
and I've come to the
conclusion that people are shit!
You wanna talk about shit, pal,
let's talk about the goddamn legal system.
Come on.
Life's a real piece of shit, huh?
Oh, no. Mine's not.
- My life's pretty darn good.
- Who's the kid?
Wait till you've been here
a couple of shitty months.
Hey, nagurski.
Stan nagurski.
I'm Brent Falcone, your new partner.
I think it's flash Gordon.
My wife divorced me, then she
died. I'll tell you about it sometime.
Okay, gentlemen.
I suppose you've all heard
about the driver's license killer.
The guy who puts a xerox
copy of his driver's license
in the bodies of all the
women he's murdered.
- Any of you guys get any leads?
- Too much trouble.
- Any clues?
- There's two aces of spades there!
Ideas, anything. Yes, officer falone.
Officer Brent Falcone.
Why don't we just get his name
and address off his driver's license?
Didn't you hear this guy? He's a wiz.
This young officer here apparently thinks
this is a picture show in a theatre.
This is real life, falone.
Walk into the da's office with evidence
like that, they'll shit in your holster.
- What?
- May I be excused? I gotta take a shit.
All right, everybody. I guess that's it.
Let's hit the streets.
I traded in our patrol car
for a videotape machine.
Look over there.
Look at that man. He looks
like he's not feeling very well.
Stan, can I get out and
see if he needs any help?
I don't give a damn. Who cares?
This is exciting.
- How're you doing, pal?
- How does it look like I'm doing, man?
-Wow. Yeah. -This is fantastic.
- You're my first confrontation.
- Yeah, lucky me.
Say, what do you got there?
-They wouldn't fill my prescription. -No?
-No. -What's it for?
-Cough drops. -Cough drops?
I woke up this morning...
I think it was this morning,
but it could've been a couple of weeks ago.
-But I woke up this
morning... -You poor fellow.
- You'd better come with me.
- I don't know when it was
-because I wake up a lot. -Yeah, me, too.
-There. -What are you doing?
-Too tight? -Yeah, that hurts.
- Maybe we have some lotion in the car.
- Yeah, that'd be real nice.
You're a good guy.
Here we go. Excuse me, sir.
Here, let's go this way.
Hey, Stan, I made an arrest.
What about my dog?
-What kind of dog is it? -A blue dog.
Blue dog. We better find this guy's dog.
-I don't think it'd be very hard
to find... -The hell with his dog.
It's a blue dog. There aren't
many blue dogs around.
That's for sure. Comfortable?
So, anyway...
I got my masters in social welfare.
And at the same time, I got real
active with the world health fund.
I also work with the international
symphony guild on weekends.
You know what we're doing?
We're sending 10,000 local Mexican kids
to a two-week symphony camp in Mexico City
where they can learn music
in a real Mexican setting.
-Isn't that wonderful? -Fine.
Now, I'm gonna give you
the first of nagurski's laws.
Never throw water on a sleeping junkie.
What'd you do that for? I'm wet.
We have a... I'm sorry.
We have a 979, Caucasian,
5'3" thrashing, squealing female,
being thrown out of a car.
- Stan, they're killing that girl.
- Fuck that.
Let's go over to sunset
and talk to some whores.
-She's in the street! -Falcone.
I'm gonna give you my law number two.
Never investigate anything where you
might possibly have to get out of the car.
Where's my joint?
I got this dog, you know, who
is really messed up because
he was doing some animal
tranquilizers or something like that.
Yeah. And when I got up,
-I reached over to smack my dog. Yeah. -No!
Because, when I get up
I like to smack him.
I went "whack," you know, and...
That's not nice.
-My dog got really pissed off. -Sure.
And he ran in the bedroom
and he put some ajax in my syringe
and it fucked me up. Right?
So, I may not be too high right now,
but I'm clean.
Flake out, Mac.
Nagurski's law number three:
Always call the car a "vehicle"
around whores. They get off on that.
Good evening, ladies. Want to
step over to the vehicle, please?
What's new, girls?
I was stabbed in the leg
by an aircraft mechanic.
- I'm sorry.
- Some creep went and killed Stacy.
Left a xerox of his driver's
license right on her face.
Man, that was weird, Stan.
Nice talking to you, girls.
We'll see you around.
-Be careful. -Bye-bye.
What am I doing?
- I'm gonna hit the flashers, okay?
- Help yourself.
This is fantastic.
I can't tell you how excited
I am to be riding with you.
I'm glad you're excited but, you
know... I don't want to say anything
but you can be a little boring.
I like your enthusiasm, but you're boring.
And turn the damn flashers off.
You know he's right, man. You are boring.
- You're a real drag, you know.
- I said flake out.
Yeah, okay, man.
Good night.
Good night, man. I like you.
-Am I a drag? -What?
-Am I really boring? -No, you're okay.
It's just that he's a pain in the ass.
- Don't you think you're too hard on him?
- I said he's a pain in the ass.
- At least I'm not boring.
- Well, don't be too sure.
Code 412. Break-in. Sunset boulevard.
Corner gardner. Freedom guitar.
Nagurski's law number four:
Never go near a music store that has
been cut into with an acetylene torch.
Hey, man, get out of my face.
I didn't mean to be in your face.
Why don't we just bop over to
my house? Look around the garage.
I bet we can rig up a
set of drums just for you.
Stan, a little kid shot me.
Oh, boy! Oreos. Double-cream.
Did you see that?
Things weren't always this bad, Falcone.
Back in the old days,
people respected cops.
The ones that didn't, we busted
their ribs and locked them up.
But today, it's a fucking joke out there.
You can't convict them,
you can't arrest them.
As long as they don't come between
me and my chilidog, to hell with it.
I still think somebody's gotta care.
Excuse me for interrupting your
lunch. Officer Brent Falcone here.
If any of you would
like to talk about this,
I just want you to know
I'm here to listen.
Code 99... over.
Code 666.
Somebody wants you to go to 4013 Chandler
and try to arrest Samuel starkman,
a.k.a. Driver's license killer.
Considered armed and has a lawyer.
We're here, 4013 Chandler.
Mr. Starkman?
Samuel starkman. This is the police.
You can't touch me,
coppers, I got a lawyer.
I'm sick and tired of my client being
harassed and heckled by the police.
And I intend on suing you for every
nickel they've got. Take my wife, please.
I know that guy.
I take my wife everywhere,
but she finds her way home.
I said to my wife, "where do you
want to go for your anniversary?"
She said, "somewhere
I've never been before."
I said, "try the kitchen."
Hey, Stan, what do we do?
You heard him, the guy's got a lawyer.
Stan, it looks like a 211 in there.
You better call for backup.
- I'll go warn the bystanders.
- One of those mothers could be in on it
-and blow your face away. -I've gotta try.
Excuse me, please. Move back.
Somebody could get hurt, please. Walk back.
Excuse me.
Hi, honey. I've been shot again.
Brent, I'm leaving you.
Look at you. Look at me.
Look at your son.
Look at the dog. It's
not just a dog, Brent.
Cats, all up and down the neighborhood
are being handcuffed by your son.
I don't know who you are anymore.
Do you see what's happening to us?
Look at this, you are starting
to wear all the stained, ugly
bargain basement garbage
that other off-duty cops wear.
You ever see yourself in
that stuff? You look like a cop.
And look at me.
I don't wanna wear blue
anymore. You know that, Brent?
-Stanley. -What?
We got a guy here who's got a
hot tip on the driver's license killer.
Hot tip? I'll give you a hot tip.
Turn off your hearing aid anytime a
stoolie wants to sell you something.
Six to one, he's trying
to sell you down the river.
No, this guy is on the level.
I'm telling you, he's not just
trying to make a deal. Come on!
- He's in the interrogation room.
- It's a waste of time.
You're gonna be proud of me.
I think we've cracked this one.
I am proud enough of
you. I don't need this.
-He calls himself mousy. -No kidding.
Also known as Marvin Jerome,
Milton James, Mark lejong.
Smalltime chiseler, con man.
Likes to expose himself to household pets.
- What's new, mousy?
- I'm straight, nagurski.
This is strictly legit.
You know that psycho? He came
into my photocopying shop last week.
He came back again today.
- Thanks. No, I don't smoke menthols.
- I'm sorry.
I think that psycho is
ready to strike again.
You do?
That's an interesting theory, mousy.
He wanted a dozen more copies
of that driver's license I
made for him last week.
I said, "no way, pal,
you ain't getting nothing."
And then he said he's gonna
start murdering women again
this afternoon.
Maple and Chandler.
-Excuse me. -What?
I'm officer Brent Falcone.
May I see some identification, please?
I'll give you a copy
of my driver's license.
-Okay. -Damn it.
Can I help you?
Thank you.
You'll have to come with me.
Where you going? You're
innocent until proven guilty.
Buckle up.
Wow! What a trip.
How about we grab a sandwich? My treat.
Get a hold of yourself.
Don't try anything funny.
I know how to handle this thing.
Sure you do.
Hey, Brent, you better watch
out, man. That guy is nuts.
He's whacked out. He does a lot of dope.
You play?
Don't try anything funny.
Classical or pop?
Folk, probably.
That's great. So do I.
What's your favorite song?
Lots of things.
Do you know feelings?
-What? -Sit down.
Listen to this.
nothing more than feelings
trying to forget my
feelings of love
You know...
I hear they got a pretty
good band up in state prison.
What do you say, I just
come up and visit with you?
We could jam together.
I know about guys like you.
Somewhere along the
line, you took a wrong turn.
All you need is a little
support, a little direction.
You'll be back doing your own thing.
Maybe you'll even have your own band.
my life of feeling
I'd be happy to keep an eye on your
place. You know, water the plants,
get a cleaning lady in
every once in a while.
It's really no sweat.
You just leave me an extra
set of keys in the kitchen.
That is...
If you can trust a cop.
If I can trust a cop?
I can trust no cops.
You shouldn't have done that, Mr. Starkman.
That does it!
What do I have to do
to get through you guys?
I mean, what the fuck do I have to do?
I go around busting my balls for
you. This is what I get? But you get this.
Where did we go wrong? Your
mommy didn't give you enough love?
Let me give you some
love. Here's some love.
-Want a little more love? -All right.
Do you believe this guy, Stan?
I was gonna take care of his
place. I was gonna look after him.
I was even gonna give
him a job with the band!
You don't fucking deserve
no job with the band, man.
You probably couldn't even
play for shit, you know that?
You couldn't even whistle for shit.
Your singing sucks,
you know that? It sucks.
It really sucked.
Hi, Brent.
Hey, kid! Don't take it so hard.
Everybody shoots somebody sometime.
It's a cop's life.
Car 711, a 12-11 family
dispute at 7-11-12-1112th street.
You understand the reason, you ass!
Express your anger! Get it out!
It's your turn, Stan.
-What? -It's your turn.
- My turn? I've got seniority.
- I don't give a shit.
-Come on. -Get out of the car.
-What? -Get out of the fucking car.
All right.
Give me my cap. Come on.
You tvvit!
Falcone's law number one:
Let nagurski do it.
You've got to let your
anger out! Will you let it out?
-You've got to show people that
you can... -Why do you always...
All right. Break it up.
Hey, don't shoot me. I'm here to help you.
Wow. Somebody woke me up.
I hate cops that don't
want to get involved.
Guys like that just don't seem to care.
I think I'm coming on to
some acid I did in 1967.