National Lampoon's Vacation (1983) Movie Script

Clark Griswold.
I'm trading my wife's old car in.
Say goodbye
to the old gas-guzzler, Russ.
See you later.
Pretty exciting, isn't it, Rusty?
-What's that, Dad?
-Picking up the new car.
Yeah, you can't wait, can you?
-Hi there, Ed.
-Good to see you, Mr. Griswold.
-How're you doing? Ruben, right?
-Look at him. He can't wait.
So did you bring your trade-in?
Yeah, a guy just took it away
a couple of seconds ago.
-Let's get to it, then.
We were afraid the new one
wouldn't come in yet.
On our way to California. The big vacation,
the whole family, Walley World.
-Walley World? Very exciting, Clyde.
Well, there she is.
Right here. The wagon.
Dad, this is not the car you ordered.
Take it easy, Rusty.
Ed, this is not the car l ordered.
I distinctly ordered
the Antarctic Blue Super Sportswagon...
...with the CB
and the optional Rally fun pack.
You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
Metallic Pea? No, Antarctic Blue.
The Sportswagon.
This isn't even the right model.
I think you're right.
I don't think this is the car.
This is the new
Wagonqueen Family Truckster.
This is a damn fine automobile,
if you want my honest opinion.
Beats the hell
out of the Sportswagon.
But l want to make you happy.
I'll get to the bottom of this.
Yes, Mr. Ed?
Mr. Griswold ordered a blue Sportswagon.
Where is it?
I don't know, sir.
I know what must have happened.
It didn't come in.
Ed, l'm not your ordinary,
everyday fool. Okay?
Now, l'd like my Antarctic Blue
Super Sportswagon right now.
If you can't get it for me,
I'm gonna take my business elsewhere.
Where's my old car?
I'm just as upset as you are. Believe me.
Get Mr. Griswold's car back.
Bring it back here.
I can get you the wagon, no problem.
The problem is, it might take six weeks.
I owe it to myself
to tell you, Mr. Griswold...
...if you're thinking of taking
the tribe cross-country...
...this is the automobile
you should be using.
The Wagonqueen Family Truckster.
You think you hate it now,
but wait until you drive it.
I don't want to drive it.
I just want my old car back, okay?
I'm not falling for this bit.
No way. Let's go, Russ.
Clark, is that the right car?
No, it isn't, honey. l changed my mind.
They flattened our old car like a pancake.
Are you serious?
Is this really our car, Dad?
What happened? I thought we were
gonna get the little Sports thing.
Oh, no. The Sportswagon's
much too small.
Besides, l got a great deal on this one.
Let me tell you, if we're taking
the whole tribe across country...
...believe me, this is your automobile.
Why is it still running?
Oh, all new cars do that.
I'll take care of that in a second.
You may think you hate it now, honey,
but wait until you drive it.
Whoa! An air bag.
You know, Clark, it's not too late
to fly out to California.
We only have two weeks.
Let's not get into that again,
sweetie pie. Please?
Lots of families fly, Clark.
Especially cross-country.
The whole idea of a family vacation
is to spend time together as a family.
You get on an airplane,
you put on your earphones...
...and you're lost in your own world.
It's an awfully long ride, Clark.
I'm looking forward
to an awfully long ride.
You get to see the kids all the time.
I see them two minutes in the morning...
...two minutes in the evening.
Maybe three hours on the weekend.
Sheesh. One of these days l'm gonna
get up and realize that my little babies...
...are all grown up. And then what?
I just thought it might be easier to fly.
Nothing worthwhile is easy, Ellen.
We know that.
Who wants to see the triptych?
What? Dad, we're playing.
Okay, shut off the video games.
Come on, Russ. Shut it off.
I know you'll enjoy this.
I worked out the trip on the computer... we get the maximum amount
of fun time at Walley World...
...without missing any of the good stuff
along the way.
Here we go. There's us.
And there's Walley World.
let's just take a look at Day One.
Shall we?
Honey, come on in.
We're gonna do Day One.
Okay, now there's the Family Truckster
as we leave Chicago.
Rusty, please, do not eat the Truckster.
Russ, do you mind? I'm trying to work
this out here on the computer. Please.
Okay, Audrey. Thank you, Audrey.
That's just great.
Look out, Dad, here l come.
All right, that's enough, Russ.
Okay. Now, I think we're moving towards--
Thank you. Good shot, Audrey.
Dad, I forgot. Why aren't we flying?
Why aren't we flying? Because getting there
is half the fun. You know that.
I turned off the water,
the stove, the heat and the air.
Locked the door, notified the police,
stopped the papers.
I called to get the grass cut.
Did I put the timers
on the living-room lights?
Oh, and don't forget the mail.
-Watch that elbow. Keep your arm straight.
CLARK: So long.
MAN 1 : Drive careful now, Clark.
MAN 2: Watch out for the lndians, Clark.
Watch those freeways.
Oh, goodbye.
Oh, l know I've forgotten something.
Walley World, here we come.
Mockingbird, tell me
-Everybody have you heard?
-Have you heard?
-He's gonna buy me a mockingbird
-He's gonna buy me a mockingbird
-And if that mockingbird don't sing
-And if that mockingbird don't sing
-He's gonna buy me a diamond ring
-He's gonna buy me a diamond ring
-And if that diamond ring don't shine
-lf that diamond ring don't shine
-He's gonna surely break this heart of mine
-lt's gonna break this heart of mine
-And that's why I keep on singin' in your ear
-And that's why, yes indeed, oh, yes indeed
Yay, yay, whoa-oh-oh
CLARK: Come on, kids.
-We don't know any of your songs.
-Dad, is that made-up? It sounds made-up.
CLARK: Okay, I got one.
How about The Walley World
National Anthem? Huh?
-Okay, okay, you start.
Who's the moosiest moose we know?
Marty Moose
Who's the star of our favorite show?
Marty Moose
"M" is for merry
we're merry, you see
"O" is for oh, gosh
Oh, golly, oh gee
"S" is for super-swell family glee
"E" is for everything you want to be
What's that spell?
Marty Moose, Marty Moose, Marty Moose
That's me.
All right. That's more like it.
Here's one you don't know.
We used to sing it when you were kids.
You're gonna like this. Ah....
Jimmy crack corn and l don't care
Jimmy crack corn and l don't care
Jimmy crack corn
Swing low
Sweet chariot
Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, chariot
I looked over Jordan and what did l see
Comin' for to carry me home
Band of angels comin'
What smells in here, honey?
Russ. Russ. Your feet.
Clark, isn't this the gas tank?
Yes, l know, honey.
Get in the car.
I'm just fixing the license plate here.
Hey, see that, kids?
That's the St. Louis Arch.
The Gateway to the West.
It's over 600-feet tall, and there's
an elevator all the way to the top.
That's 60 stories to you and me.
RUSTY: Wow, Dad, can we go up on it?
Dad, what river is this?
That's the Mississippi.
The mighty Mississip.
The Old Miss. The Old Man.
Deep river
My home is over Jordan
Clark, l think this is the wrong exit.
CLARK: What's the difference,
as long as we get across the river?
Clark? What are you doing?
-Just relax, Ellen.
-This is so dangerous.
We have no business
being in an area like this.
Well, look at it this way.
This is a part of America
we never get to see.
-That's good.
-No, that's bad.
I mean, we can't close our eyes
to the plight of the cities.
Kids, you noticing all this plight?
This will just make us appreciate
what we have.
Roll them up.
I'd better ask these fellas
how to get back on the expressway.
Pardon me.
I wonder if you could tell me
how to get back on the expressway?
-Fuck your mama.
-Thank you very much.
MAN 1 :
Hey, Darnell, check out this Truckster.
MAN 2:
It's a Truckster.
With a luggage rack.
Hey, excuse me, homes? Heh-heh. Aha.
What it is, bro. We're from out of town.
MAN 3:
No shit?
I'd really appreciate it
if you could give me directions...
...back onto the expressway.
-What? For free?
Five dollars.
-l'm not gonna give you $5 for directions.
-l think that's fair, Clark.
Okay. Here's $1 0.
Thank you.
Keep the change.
Okay. Now, you see which way
you're pointing, right?
-Yeah, okay, that's good.
Because, you see that place?
-Uh-huh. You see where it say, "Rib Tips"?
-Rib Tips.
-Mm-hm. Fuck that.
You don't want to go that way.
I wonder if these guys
know the Commodores.
You gonna go all the way down
about half a block...
...and you'll see a Torino
with no wheels on it.
Inside that Torino is my cousin, Jackie.
You tell him that you're my boy,
and you're lost.
He'll make sure
you get where you're going.
You don't want to know from me.
This ain't my neighborhood.
I'm from the west side of Chicago,
here on vacation.
Thanks a lot. You've been a great help.
This reminds me of the time in college...
...when we drove down to Fort Lauderdale
in my Austin-Healy.
I haven't thought about that
for a long time.
Remember what we did in the car?
It's amazing we didn't get in an accident.
Want to relive a fond memory?
Are you serious?
-Why not?
Because, that's why.
The kids are asleep.
Let's just wait until we get to a motel.
Okay, we'll wait.
I gotta find the best one on the road.
Do you want to put your head in my lap?
That's not what l was thinking.
The wheel. Let me get this.
There you go, move it out of your way.
Clark, my head's stuck.
Clark, quit kidding around. lt hurts.
It's stuck.
Cut it out.
I know what you're trying to do,
and l think it's sick.
The wheel's stuck.
That was a dirty trick.
The damn wheel is all screwed up.
You're tired.
You get weird when you get tired.
Let's just find a motel.
I don't want you dozing off.
I'm not tired. Are you kidding?
I could go another 1 00 miles. Come on.
No problem.
Sparky, why don't you turn off the TV
and come to bed?
Okay, honey.
Well, up and at them. We're here.
-Can l do your back, honey?
-l've already done my back.
Can l do your front?
Go do your own front.
You know Clark, maybe we should
call Catherine and Eddie...
...and tell them that we won't be in
until tomorrow afternoon.
If we're not there by 1 0:00 a.m., it's gonna
throw the schedule completely off.
I planned everything very carefully... we'd be at Walley World
first thing Saturday morning.
Sparky, l know how much
this trip means to you...
...and that you want all of us
to have a great time...
...but it's a long way to Walley World.
And l think it'd be easier on all of us
if you'd just try to relax.
I'm way ahead of you, honey.
When did you get these?
I have my little secrets.
-What a nice thought.
Don't drink yet.
Ready for this?
Ahh.... I'd like to propose a toast, if l may.
Here's to a very restful vacation.
Here's to a very relaxing vacation...
...a renewed love affair...
...and a time ofjoy with our babies.
You know, honey, l never told you this.
I know it's been a rough beginning.
I think there's something wrong here.
It's the bed. lt will slow up in a second.
I got it. Hold on to this. Enjoy it.
-Clark, what are you doing?
-Let's try this, my darling.
Now we're talking.
We haven't done this for a long time.
Oh. Clark.
-What's that noise?
-What's going on?
Hey. Don't you kids knock anymore?
Sorry, we thought you were fighting
or something.
Nobody is fighting in here.
It's very late.
Where is Mom?
I'm under here, kids.
Go back to bed.
Go back to bed, now. Rusty.
The bed was very soft.
CLARK: This is the street Wyatt Earp
used to keep law and order on.
It seems kind of dirty and touristy.
Oh, Ellen, the Old West was dirty.
Everything isn't like home.
If everything were like home...
...there'd be no reason
for leaving. Right?
Oh, yeah, Dad. This is great.
-You know, l'm glad we didn't go to Hawaii.
CLARK: l'll bet you are.
Okay. Kids!
Let's go get a drink. What do you say?
Here you go, champ.
Howdy, city slickers.
Welcome to the Long Branch.
No fighting, no cussing, no gunslinging.
Watch what you say to our bartender.
He's an ornery cuss.
-Thank you, Sheriff.
Oh. Sorry.
It's no sweat.
Give me five, partner.
That guy was a crummy Wyatt Earp.
He's wearing jogging shoes.
They used to, Rusty.
Hey, knucklehead.
Set us up with four redeyes, will you?
Hey, yellow-belly. l'm talking to you.
Hey, tenderfoot.
Move your chicken wings, turkey.
Clark. That's not nice.
It's all part of the act, hon.
Hey, underpants.
Hey, yellow--
I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm all right.
I don't think that's very funny. A noise
like that could impair the kids' hearing.
Oh, come on.
It was real. lt looked real, didn't it?
Hell, I thought it was a real gun.
Didn't it look real when l fell down, hon?
-Didn't it look real, sweetie?
-Are you happy now, Clark?
-She's deaf.
-What's the difference?
It was fun anyway. Let's have a drink.
What do you say?
Pardon me, sir?
Catherine said we just stay on 50.
Well, l was thinking about
shooting over to 54...
-...and zipping down to Liberal.
-What for?
-The House of Mud.
-What's the House of Mud?
It's only the largest freestanding
mud dwelling ever built, that's all.
You see, kids, the pioneers
didn't have bricks, so they used mud.
They didn't use mud, they used sod, Dad.
Right, Audrey, and when they
ran out of sod, they used mud.
Clark, let's just skip the House of Mud.
I think Dodge City
was enough for one day.
Besides, Catherine and Eddie
are expecting us.
It's living history, Ellen.
But if you'd rather see your cousins...'s okay by me.
Personally, I'd rather see a pile
of mud than Eddie.
-Knock it off.
ELLEN: What's going on?
Rusty is licking his hand
and touching me with it.
Clark, tell Rusty to behave himself.
Rusty, behave yourself.
Audrey's eating peanut butter
and smiling with it all over her teeth.
Audrey, eat with your mouth closed.
-No eating in the car, kids.
-You suck, you know that?
-l am trying to concentrate on the road.
What did you say?
ELLEN: Stop it, both of you.
Just give me the peanut butter.
AUDREY: He started it!
ELLEN: I don't care who started it!
I don't care who started it.
I don't want to hear another word
out of either one of you.
Clark, you're doing 80 miles an hour.
-Doesn't seem like it, does it?
-Slow down.
I don't know why.
We're making good time.
Love for sale
Appetizing, yummy love for sale
Oh, they're here. Eddie, come on.
Oh, l can't believe it. lt's been an age!
ELLEN: I never thought we'd get out here,
you look great!
-Eddie, get down here.
-Eddie, you look terrific.
-Ellen, how are you?
-l never thought you'd get here.
Good to see you.
Come and meet your second cousins.
Look how they've grown.
And you have lost weight, Catherine.
Yeah, added a few more mouths
to the litter.
Let's see. Rusty and Audrey,
cousins Vicki and Dale.
-And this is Eddie Junior and this is Junior.
And this little moppet
on my skirts is Daisy-Mabel.
Well. How old are you, little one?
-She was born without a tongue, Clark.
But don't worry about her. She whistles
like a bird and eats like a horse.
Take your little guests out back
and show them your worm farm.
Go on, scoot.
Ellen, come in the house.
-l've got so much to tell you.
-Look at the flowers. l love them.
Oh, boy. Look at that car.
Yeah, that's the Family Truckster.
Boy, she's a beaut.
I like those green walls.
We had some trouble in St. Louis.
So you're looking really...
This is the old homestead, huh?
Yeah, l don't know for how long, though.
The bank's been after me
like flies on a rib roast.
Yeah. l know the feeling.
Fuck it.
-l bet you could use a cool one, huh?
-Now you're talking.
I'm going steady. And l French kiss.
-So? Everyone does that.
-Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.
Want a worm?
No, thanks.
Hey, you got Pac-Man?
You got Space lnvaders?
-You got Asteroids?
-No, but my dad does.
He can't even sit on the toilet some days.
So, what do you do here, Dale?
...l got a stack of nudie books this high.
Oh, she's beautiful.
-Would you sell me any of them?
-Shit, no. l cherish these things.
I use them a lot.
How do you use a magazine?
I was getting to that.
A guy taught me something really neat
last year.
Did you ever bop your baloney?
I guess we're 1 1 , aren't we?
-No, we're 12 with Aunt Edna.
-Aunt Edna? She's still alive?
Oh, you bet.
I can't wait to see the look on Clark's face
when he hears that.
Well, she came to help out
when Eddie ruptured his spleen...
...and she's been with us ever since.
She wanted to go back
to Phoenix a year ago...
...but Eddie wouldn't let her.
Frankly, without her Social Security,
we'd never be able to live like this.
Gee, Cath, it looks like
you've really got your hands full.
Oh, it's not so bad.
Eddie says after the baby comes,
I can quit one of my night jobs.
How do you like yours, Clark?
Oh, medium-rare, a little pink inside.
No, your bun. Light or dark?
Oh. Either way, it doesn't matter.
Vicki, can l help you with that Kool-Aid?
I don't know why they call this stuff
Hamburger Helper. lt does just fine by itself.
I like it better than Tuna Helper myself.
Don't you, Clark?
You're the gourmet around here, Ed. Heh.
No meat in this?
You get plenty of meat at home.
Be polite. Have some ketchup.
Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Nothing but the best.
Aunt Edna. Helper's getting cold.
Is that your Aunt Edna?
ELLEN: Aunt Edna. After all these years.
You're looking so good.
Hi, Edna. Nice to see you again.
You remember Clark, don't you?
You were the ones who sent me
the fruitcake for Christmas.
It made me so sick.
I'm sorry.
We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
You enjoy throwing up
every five minutes, Claude?
-l thought so.
Well, am I going to eat
or am l gonna starve to death?
Did you tell Clark and Ellen
the good news?
No. I was just about to.
Catherine, what's the good news?
You're driving me to Phoenix.
Junior Pig Competition?
You won this for raising a pig?
Yeah. First Place.
Does anybody know about it?
Everybody knows.
Vicki, don't get offended, but being
a farmer is not too cool, you know.
Oh, yeah?
Well, how cool... this?
I'm real glad that things
are going good for you, Clark.
Mm-hm. Tsk.
I got laid off when they closed
that asbestos factory. Ahem.
And now, wouldn't you know it...
...the Army cut my disability pension...
...because they said the plate in my head
wasn't big enough. Shoo.
Eddie, Clark and Ellen don't want to hear
about our troubles.
No, no. It's very interesting.
Why don't you just ask him
for the money, Eddie?
He sure as hell can't take a hint.
Well, l didn't want to ask you,
Clark, you know, but....
Could you, maybe,
spare a little extra cash?
Sure, Eddie.
How much do you need?
About $52,000.
Goodbye, baby.
And you'll send those checks?
-All taken care of.
-Okay, let's go. Come on, Edna.
-Lay off, lay off.
Well, gotta be going.
-What's this?
-This is for you, Clark.
Oh, what is it?
-You didn't have to buy me a gift, Eddie.
Oh, go on, open it.
Oh, Eddie, you shouldn't have.
-You really shouldn't have.
RUSTY: Those are great, Dad.
-Quiet down, Russ.
EDDlE: Try them on.
No, I don't want to get them dirty.
I told you he wouldn't like them, Eddie.
CLARK: l love them.
-l knew you did...
...because the last time l saw you you
remarked about how much you liked mine.
-Well, l guess we'd better be going.
-Bye, Eddie.
-Bye, Ellen.
-Bye, Clark. lt's was great having you here.
-Goodbye. Thank you. Okay.
Here he is, Uncle Clark,
all walked and evetything.
What is this? A dog?
He's Aunt Edna's. His name is Dinky.
He watches Family Feud.
Oh. Hi, how are you, little fellow?
Yeah. You folks didn't
get to meet Dinky last night.
He had the shits, so he slept in the barn.
Ah. Well, great. Better make some space
for him in the back. Come on.
Ow! No. No. Sit, sit. Roll over.
Come on, heel.
-Here. Have a good trip.
-Thanks, Vic.
Bye! Bye, kids, bye, Aunt Edna. Bye-bye!
Look at these sandwiches.
Here, Aunt Edna.
Thank you.
Oh, Rusty, stop playing with the dog
and come and have some lunch.
Oh, Clark, look.
Your favorite, baloney and cheese.
And what should l have?
Maybe some fruit or something like that.
Mom, my sandwich is all wet.
Well, they're all wet.
Oh, God. The dog went
on the picnic basket.
Russ, look.
Excellent. They have a pool.
Aren't the woods beautiful?
Clark. Dinkums needs a long walk
and a bath.
Rusty, take care of Dinkums.
-Dad, he bites.
CLARK: Bite him back.
-We'd like three tents for the night, please.
-All right. That'll be $37.
Thirty-seven dollars
for three tents?
Oh, they're very nice tents.
And that price includes scenery
and wildlife fun.
Oh, come on, Clark.
It seems like a nice place.
It's got a pool and everything.
-All right.
-Here you go.
-Fill out that.
CLARK: Mm-hm.
Clark W. Griswold. You want my street?
-What do you need my address for?
-We like to send out a mailer.
AUDREY: I can't wait to get in.
RUSTY: Me, too.
Get our bathing--
That's disgusting.
Too cheap to pay for a hotel room, huh?
Ooh. Clark, this tent smells.
Edna, this is your tent.
Sp-- Sparky.
-This isn't very romantic.
-lsn't it?
No, I don't think there's enough room
for two in this sleeping bag.
Honey, right now, we're one.
-One heart beating for two.
-Oh, Sparky.
Sparky, there's a wild animal.
-l know, l'm gonna go for it, honey.
-Wild animal-- No.
Ow! Get off. Down. Go.
I'm sorry, honey. lt's Dinky. Get off!
I'll kill that dog.
I'm sorry.
What do you say, honey? Uhn!
In spite of all the little problems,
it really is fun, isn't it?
But with every new day
there's fresh hope.
Hey, kids, let's go.
We're losing daylight here.
Hey, did you walk him?
Yeah. He took a big one
on Aunt Edna's blanket.
-Good boy.
EDNA: Help!
Oh, boy. Go take care of Aunt Edna.
I'll take the leash.
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Roll over. Ow.
Ow! You're tearing my flesh!
Good morning, Edna. Ah!
No, Dinky. Sit. Roll over.
Ah. Ah, ow!
Audrey, you're next.
-No way, Jos.
-Hey, Audrey.
What's the problem?
Ma, l had to sit next to Aunt Edna
last time. She smells like mothballs.
Anyway, it's her turn.
For your information,
Rusty slept in his underpants last night.
-Yeah, I did.
-Hey, hey, hey! Easy, kids. Cut it out.
Everybody in the car,
boat leaves in two minutes.
Or perhaps, you don't want to see
the second-largest ball of twine on earth.
Which is only four short hours away.
Sweetie, do you hear that rattle?
-Where is it coming from?
-Beats the heck out of me.
I've been looking for it ever since we left.
It's driving me crazy.
God, Dad, check it out behind you.
Oh, shoot. Now what have we done?
-Will you hold my purse?
Just hold my purse.
Hello, officer. What's the problem?
Get out of the car.
I don't think l was speeding.
Was I weaving?
Shut your mouth, sir.
If l wasn't in uniform, l'd split your skull
with the butt of this revolver...
...faster than you could say
"police brutality."
Well, officer, whatever it is I've done,
I'm sure l can explain.
Explain this, you son of a bitch.
Oh, my God.
Do you know what the penalty
for animal cruelty is in this state?
No, sir, l don't.
It's probably pretty stiff.
You can't think
I'd do this on purpose, sir.
Look, l tied him to the rear bumper
when l was packing the car.
It was very confusing, l must've forgot.
I'm very sorry. I feel terrible.
How do you think that little dog feels?
Look, l told you l was sorry.
It really was an accident.
Yeah. l guess l can buy that, sir.
But it is a shame.
I had a pooch like this when I was a kid.
Poor little guy.
He probably kept up with you
for a mile or so.
-Tough little mutt.
I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark.
You've been exceeding the speed limit
for thousands of miles.
Dad wasn't speeding.
The cop stopped us because Dad forgot--
-He was speeding, Rusty.
RUSTY: No, he wasn't, Mom.
Russ! Listen to your mother.
I was speeding.
I was driving like a maniac.
We can all be grateful
to this man for stopping us.
-You see, a car--
-Here's the leash.
I'm going to get the rest
of the carcass off the road.
-Thank you, officer.
-See you.
Have a nice day.
This your idea of a good restaurant?
Dog killer.
I'm sure the food is just fine.
Uh-uh-uh. New car, I'll take it.
WOMAN: Thank you.
CLARK: Thank you.
Oh, kids. Oh, kids. Mm-mm.
What happened?
What happened to your hair?
You're sweating.
-Are you blushing?
-Don't be silly.
Are you all right, Clark?
Hell, yes. l'm fine. l'm having a ball.
Come on, honey, look at the mountains,
breathe the air.
Put on a happy face for me.
I guess there's not much more
that can happen to us.
I think the worst is behind us.
Clark, l need my vanity case.
We've got to go back and look for it.
All my credit cards are in it.
Honey, number one, l've already called
the bank and told them you've lost them.
B, there's no way we're gonna find it.
We don't know where it fell off.
And three, I've got my credit cards
and we've still got plenty of cash. Okay?
No, we don't. You gave $500 to Eddie...
...and everything has cost twice
as much as you figured out.
There's nothing in that luggage
that can't be replaced.
Except for your diaphragm.
We can always cash a check
down the road.
Don't you trust me?
As long as you don't tie me
to the rear bumper.
That hurt, Ellen.
ELLEN: Clark, l think we're lost.
CLARK: We're not lost.
Will you please let me do the driving?
ELLEN: I honestly don't think you're gonna
find the Grand Canyon on this road.
CLARK: Jesus, it's only the biggest
goddamn hole in the world.
Clark, watch your language.
Make that the second-biggest.
Dad, I haven't seen a car for an hour.
Shut up, Audrey. You don't think
Dad knows where he's going?
-Thank you, Russ.
-You're lost.
-l saw some detour signs.
CLARK: l didn't see any.
I saw them when you and Mom
were trying to fold the map.
When they close a road
they put up big signs. Like this one.
-l think l broke my nose.
-l stabbed my brain.
I just got my period.
I'd better check under the hood.
ELLEN: Audrey, gather up the clothes
and put them in a pile.
Rusty, find the first-aid kit,
then get the suitcases.
Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?
Find a bush, Audrey.
RUSTY: Dad, you must've jumped this thing
about 50 yards.
It's nothing to be proud of, Rusty.
Fifty yards. Heh.
Ellen! Ellen, get me out of here.
Stay in the car.
It's hot and dangerous out here.
Don't you tell me what to do.
I'll do what I want.
I should never have come
on this trip with you.
I should have taken an airplane.
And he-- He shouldn't even have a license
to drive an automobile.
He should be behind bars.
Sit down and shut up.
Move out of that seat,
and l'll split your lip.
Rusty, come on up here.
Hello, Russ.
I'm gonna hike down the road
to find a service station.
I want you to stay here
and take care of things.
-You'll be okay, Dad?
-Oh, sure, sure, sure.
You know, I haven't had much of a chance
to talk to you man to man, Russ.
Well, l've only been a man
a few days, Dad.
You're growing up so damn fast.
I've spent the last 1 5 years of my life...
...developing newer
and better food additives.
I guess I've missed an awful lot.
At first,
I didn't want to take this vacation.
But now l'm glad I did.
It's given me a chance
to spend a lot more time with you and....
-Audrey. Yeah.
You know, it's been real fun for me,
too, Dad. Really.
Except for Aunt Edna.
Oh, she doesn't mean
to be a pain in the rump.
It's just the way she is.
-Let's not let it spoil our fun.
-l won't.
You know, maybe she'd be nicer
if she had a family of her own.
You know, instead of always
having to glom onto someone else's.
You're a pretty bright little guy.
Excuse me. Man.
It's okay, Dad.
You know what l wanna do?
When I was your age,
my dad shared a beer with me...
...and l thought it was
the best thing in the world.
When I was a boy, just about
every summer we'd take a vacation.
And you know, in 1 8 years...
...we never had fun.
But now l have my own family.
And we're on our own vacation.
-And you know something, Russ?
-What, Dad?
We're gonna have fun.
Hey. Don't let your mother smell beer
on your breath. She'll take it out on me.
Well, l better get a move on if I want
to get us out of here by dark.
Good talk, son.
Good talk, Dad.
I just had a good talk with Rusty.
You'll be in good hands here, honey.
Where are you going?
There's gotta be a phone or a gas station
around here somewhere, honey.
All right, but if you're not back
in an hour....
I'll be fine. You'll be fine.
I'm sure this happens all the time.
A patrol car will be by any minute.
Over the river and through the woods
To Grandmother's house we go
A thousand bottles of beer on the wall
A thousand bottles of beer
Four bottles of beer
lf one of those bottles
should happen to fall
I love a parade
The trampling of feet
I love every beat l hear of a drum
I love a parade
I hear a band
I just wanna stand
CLARK: We pass a goddamn gas station
every 1 00 yards for 1 ,000 miles.
But when you really need one,
you end up walking your ass off.
This is no way to run a desert.
Jesus. l'm gonna die. That's it! l'm dying.
What an asshole.
Taxi. Taxi? Taxi!
Dead. I'm dead.
Taxi! Here boy.
Heat. The heat.
I'm dying. I'm dead. I'm finished.
Hot. Hot.
Hot wrist.
Mom, Mommy?
ELLEN: I'm not sure of his exact height
and weight.
All I know is the man
was a saint with children...
...and a genius with food additives...
...and he was-- Clark!
-l was so worried.
ELLEN: What are you doing?
-Russ, Russ!
Audrey? Audrey.
Have you grown?
ELLEN: Are you all right?
-l feel fine.
What happened? How did you get here?
Well, these two nice lndians
and a man on a camel called a tow truck.
-Daddy's back.
-A camel?
A camel. Hey, kids, are you thirsty?
-Yeah, I bet you are, too.
-You said it.
Okay. What do l owe you?
Never heard of no one so shit-all stupid
as you driving off that road.
You must have got
manure for your brains.
Yes, well, l'm from out of town.
What's the bill?
Come on, come on. How much?
How much you got?
No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
And l'm asking you, how much you got?
You're out of your mind.
I don't have time to play around.
How much is it?
All of it, boy.
What does your sheriff think
of your business practices?
Audrey, honey, how much
babysitting money do you have?
-How come?
-How much?
What's the matter?
Nothing. I just spent $500
on four bald tires and a tow.
How much do you have, Audrey?
-She has $40, Dad.
How would you know
unless you went in my purse, you sneak?
Have you been going through
her private property?
I don't give a frog's fat ass
who went through what.
We need money.
Edna, how much do you have?
She's asleep, Clark.
Russ, wanna look through Edna's purse?
Unzip it, Russ.
RUSTY: She has 1 1 cents, Dad.
The motel will cash your check.
They better. We're gonna run out of gas.
I'm sorry, sir.
I can't accept this credit card.
-Why not?
-The computer says it's been reported lost.
Oh, no. You see, my wife lost her cards
in Colorado and l had to report it.
The computer is probably saying
I lost mine, which I haven't.
Well, you'll have to straighten
that out with your bank.
-Would you take a personal check?
-For how much?
-Three-hundred dollars.
-l can't do that, sir.
I've lost all my cash.
We're on our way to California.
-Walley World?
-Yeah. Walley World.
And l'm sort of stuck between a rock
and a hard place.
-You know, l'd really appreciate it.
-Not without a major credit card.
I have $6.1 3 to my name... l can see we're gonna
have to work something out.
I've already told you
I can't accept a check...
...without a major credit card.
I'm making this out for $1 ,000.
All you have to do is give me $300 in cash,
and keep $700...
...all for doing nothing more
than acting like a total creep.
The only thing I can do... have you stay here
until the check clears.
Ten working days.
Okay, let's go, come on. Ha-ha.
Where is Edna?
-She's in the car.
-Good. Come on, get in the car.
Don't you want to look
at the Grand Canyon?
Great, let's go.
Rusty, up and at them.
Crack open those sandwiches
I got at the gas station.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a sandwich
from a gas station. Ha-ha-ha.
There's one for everyone.
Audrey, wake up Aunt Edna.
It's time for her to eat and take her pill.
Please, get off me.
Mom, tell Audrey to quit pushing
Aunt Edna on me.
I'm sick of her lying on me all the time.
Be quiet.
-Honey, it's only a few hours to Phoenix.
-Let her be, she's fine.
-She's not fine.
She's fine. Don't be silly.
She's not fine, Clark.
She's dead.
AUDREY: She breathed on me.
A dead person breathed on me.
RUSTY: Her hand touched me.
She's stiff already. Ugh.
Goddamn it, anyway.
She must have passed away
somewhere near Flagstaff.
What are we going to do, Clark?
We could leave her here.
The first phone we pass...
...we could call your cousin
and he could come and get her.
That's the meanest, coldest--
What do you want me to do,
call Federal Express?
We don't have to ride
with a dead person, do we?
Please say we don't.
It'd be real easy for Cousin Normie
to find her.
All he'd have to do
is look for the buzzards.
Hell. We'll drive her to Cousin Normie's,
for Pete's sake.
I just didn't want to get caught up
in a funeral, inquests and all that crap.
You are the most self-centered,
egotistical, manipulative--
Don't say anything you'll regret, Ellen.
I'm being practical.
If we drove straight through...
...we'd have three days
at Walley World at best. Three.
She can't weigh more than 1 00 pounds.
Oh, no. You can't put her up on that roof.
Yes, he can.
You want me to strap her to the hood?
What's the difference? She'll be fine.
It's not as if it's going to rain
or something.
This is terrible. Ugh.
What a nightmare.
Don't just blurt it out about Edna dying.
How about if I ask him
to play twenty questions?
-Oh, for Christ's sake, he isn't even home.
-Maybe the neighbors know where he is.
-Moron knows we're coming and isn't home.
-Normie's always been flighty.
-He's always been a jag-off.
-Will you watch your mouth?
There's a note.
"Have gone to Flagstaff.
Be back on Monday."
Jeez, what a worm.
Oh-- Darn, it's locked.
Okay, let's go.
We can't leave her on the patio.
You rather l slip her in the night-deposit
box at the funeral home? Come on.
It's raining all over her.
She can't catch a cold now, Mom.
Clark, we have to at least say something.
Okay, bow your heads, bow your heads.
Oh, God.
Ease our suffering in this,
our moment of great despair.
Yea, admit this good and decent woman
into thine arms and the flock... thine heavenly area up there.
And Moab he laidest down
behind the land of the Canaanites.
And, yea, though the Hindus speak
of karma--
-l implore you...
-...give her a break.
Clark, this is a serious matter.
I'll do it myself.
Honey, l'm not an ordained minister.
I'm doing my best, okay?
Lord, we love this woman
with all our hearts.
-Let's not overdo it, Mom.
-Shut up.
We know she deserves better than this...
...but my husband wants his beloved family
to get to Walley World... have their vacation.
I hope you understand.
Have mercy on his soul.
Amen. Let's go. Come on.
I hope you kids have learned
something about life and death.
Yeah. Don't die unless somebody's home.
Normie will understand when he sees
the note we pinned on Edna's sleeve.
Sure. You left his dead mother
tied to a lawn chair in his backyard.
I'm sure he won't mind.
Look, it's all over and done with.
We'll find a place to stay and start fresh
in the morning. It's fine.
I don't want to be in the car anymore.
I want to go home.
I don't want to go to Walley World.
Clark, under the circumstances,
I wouldn't mind if we just went home.
In retrospect, it seems like
a pretty bad idea driving out.
It's been one disaster after another.
Yeah, it's been a real drag, Dad.
Maybe we can try it some other time.
-Walley World's overrated anyway.
-What do you think?
I think you're all fucked in the head.
We're ten hours from the fucking
fun park and you want to bail out.
Well, l'll tell you something.
This is no longer a vacation.
It's a quest. lt's a quest for fun.
I'm gonna have fun
and you're gonna have fun.
We're all gonna have
so much fucking fun...
...we'll need plastic surgery
to remove our goddamn smiles.
You'll be whistling "zippity-doo-dah"
out of your assholes.
I gotta be crazy. l'm on a pilgrimage
to see a moose.
Praise Marty Moose. Holy shit.
Dad, do you want
an aspirin or something?
Don't touch.
Next time you have
one of your outbursts...
...l'd appreciate if you'd have
some consideration for your kids.
-What are you talking about?
-You don't know?
All I know is l'm trying to treat my family
to a little fun.
Spare me, Clark.
I know your brand of family fun.
Tomorrow you'll probably
kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonald's...
...and drive us a thousand miles out of the
way to see the world's largest ball of mud.
You know what your problem is, Ellen?
You have a knack for looking at the
dark side of things. That's your problem.
You wouldn't know a good time
if it bit you.
-Where are you going?
-What do you care?
Waiting for someone?
No. Ahem.
Do you mind if l sit down?
Fancy seeing you here.
Having a nice little family vacation?
Oh. No.
It would appear so, wouldn't it? No, no.
No, the truth of it is,
and this is highly confidential...
...l own this motel.
Own the whole chain, nationwide.
Twenty-two hundred units.
Yeah, once a year,
I travel across the country, incognito.
Check things out,
and see how the operation is running.
I thought you were gonna say
you worked for the CIA.
-That's an old bit, huh?
Oh, no. No, l'm not with the ClA.
I was, but that was a long time ago.
I don't like to talk about it, really.
No, I'm mostly interested
in my motels now.
-And my airline.
-That's great.
I'm just trying to have a little fun.
It's too bad you're married.
I'm in the mood for some fun.
Oh, you mean those people l'm with?
That's my brother's family.
My brother's ring.
I usually borrow them on
these little inspection tours of mine.
It sort of helps to complete the disguise.
It's fun for them.
It's a good disguise.
I like the station-wagon effect.
Yeah? Well, that's a big part of it.
You know, in order to be convincing, you
have to look and act like an ordinary jerk.
You know, stop at all the stupid sites
and look like a fool.
Basically, be yourself?
You like the disguise?
CLARK: Yeah, my credo is,
if you have to have a credo... know, "Go for it," pretty much.
You only go around this crazy
merry-go-round once. You know?
-l agree.
Yeah, that's my credo.
You don't have to have a credo, but....
If the fur fits, wear it.
A penny saved, pennies from heaven.
My favorite credo, oh, ha-ha..., you know, a penny saved, and....
Thank you.
Wow. This feels great.
...are you gonna go for it?
Uh-- Here?
For starters, sure.
Why not? Don't you swim?
Oh, sure. Ha-ha.
Sure, l took third in the state finals
in my senior year.
Yeah, l swim. Heck, yes.
Oh, yeah, I feel completely at ease
in the water.
Yeah, l....
I'm proficient in many strokes and l dive.
As a matter of fact,
I could've been in the Olympics.
Yeah, uh.... Yeah, l'll be right there.
This is crazy, this is crazy,
this is crazy.
-How's the water?
I'm in deep, I'm in deep.
Ah! Cold!
Jesus. Fuck. Ah!
Jesus! Ah!
-Hi, honey.
-What are you doing?
Uh-- Swimming.
Yeah, my back was killing me.
I thought, you know, a good hot swim
would loosen up the muscles.
Why go to the car and get
the bathing suit? Jump right in.
It's exhilarating.
Guess what, honey?
This person here was here.
I didn't see this person... l screamed, that's why l yelled.
I was so surprised.
You can imagine, can't you, honey?
Will you excuse me?
If you have to go.
Well, l'd stay if l weren't married,
but I am.
I know.
-l hope l didn't spoil your evening.
-No, it's been interesting.
Well, enjoy the rest of your trip.
You, too.
I can't believe this.
I am so humiliated.
Cut it out, Audrey. You don't even know
how to inhale.
Maybe I don't want to.
You're such a dork, Audrey.
How can he do this to Mom?
They'll probably get a divorce.
I'd better go talk to him.
-Hey, squirt.
-Hey, Dad.
What are you doing up?
You woke the whole motel up, Dad.
Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
I was swimming.
Yeah, l saw you.
Russ, come here a minute.
Russ... know l wouldn't do anything
to hurt your mom.
It's been a long drive...
...and, jeez, I work....
I work very hard for you
and Audrey and your mom.
I guess when you get older
you get these feelings...
...and these feelings make you do things
you wouldn't normally do.
-Like swimming naked with girls?
-Yeah. Like swimming naked with girls.
Well, not with girls.
You think I was swimming with girls?
It was just one girl. l saw that girl.
Who, that girl?
Oh, no, that's a waitress.
No, I was just ordering in.
She's a pool waitress. l was...
...ordering some fish for you
and Audrey and Mom.
-She took your order?
-She took my order, yeah. Ha-ha.
Swimming waitress.
You understand, don't you, Russ?
Sure, l understand.
Do you think Mom will buy it?
Good talk, son.
Go to bed, Russ.
Are you mad?
Do you like that girl?
Is that what you want?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
How could I like a girl like that?
She's ugly.
I love you.
I'm sorry about evetything.
I got angry because you were right
and l knew it.
I was hurt, honey.
I'm sorry, too. lt's not all your fault.
I know you've been trying.
I'm gonna try, too.
I know how to have fun.
And l'm going to prove it.
-Come on. Come on. Come on.
-Ellen? What are we doing?
Honey, you don't have
to prove anything to me.
Come on, Clark.
I want us to have some fun together.
-Come on.
-The water's very--
Fuck! Aah!
We must be getting close.
We're almost there.
Everybody just take it easy.
Just take it easy. We're gonna be there.
I know we're getting close.
What is that? What is that?
There it is.
Walley World, next three exits.
-Dad! Whoa!
-Walley World!
We made it, damn it. We made it.
The Griswolds are one hell
of a family, huh? We made it!
Don't get too much sun, now.
Watch out. Watch out.
It's beautiful.
It's just beautiful.
Oh, darling.
-We made it.
-You did it, Clark. Sparky.
I love you guys. l love. l love.
Aah. First ones here. First ones here.
First ones here.
But we're so far away, Clark.
Right, right. And at the end of the day,
when the lot's all full...
...and everybody's fighting to get out,
we'll be the first ones out, too.
Why? Because we're the Griswolds.
Come on, l'll race you.
MARTY [ON RECORDlNG]: Sorry, folks.
We're closed for two weeks... clean and repair
America's favorite family fun park. Sorry.
Sorry, folks. We're closed....
Clark. What are you doing?
We watch his program.
We buy his toys. We go to his movies.
He owes us.
Doesn't he owe us, huh?
He owes the Griswolds, right?
Fucking A right, he owes us.
-Clark, you're scaring me.
-Don't be scared.
I just think somebody owes us
an explanation, that's all.
-Come on. Come on, come on.
-Clark, now just a minute.
Honey, you wanna check the mileage
for me, please?
ELLEN: Where are you going?
-l'll be right back.
I'm just gonna get some sporting goods.
Thank you, thank you.
Clark, will you listen to me?
Let's just find a hotel. I'll call my parents,
they'll wire us money.
We can fly home and forget
this vacation ever happened.
Honey, relax. l told you l'm not angry
anymore. l'm in complete control.
I'm sure they're not repairing every ride
at the same time.
I think they owe us a little explanation
and a little fun, okay?
Whatever happens, just trust me.
Will you just trust me? Huh, kids?
Sorry, folks, park's closed.
The moose out front should have told you.
-Yes, we're here to see Mr. Roy Walley.
-What is your name, sir?
Clark W. Griswold.
What's this regarding, Mr. Gristle?
We're here, public relations--
Summer inspection.
-Personal matter. lnspection.
Well, nobody notified
this office of anything.
Well, l'm notifying you.
I'm afraid I'm gonna need
more than that, sir.
Okey-dokey. How's this?
Clark, have you lost your mind?
Where did you get that?
Sporting goods store.
You listen to me, fat ass.
Do what I say
and there won't be any problem, okay?
We just drove 2460 miles,
just for a little Roy Walley entertainment.
The moose says you're closed.
I say you're open.
We're not really violent people.
This is our first gun.
No, it isn't.
-What's going on here?
-You. Freeze. Freeze.
Sit! Sit, come on.
Lie down. Let's go, lie down.
Roll over.
Okay. Okay. Let's ride.
Let's ride. Come on.
Yee-hoo. This is scary, isn't it?
Make sure you keep your hands
on the handlebars at all times.
-We don't want any accidents.
-ls that a real gun, Mom?
I don't know, Rusty.
But when this is all over...
...your father may be going away
for a little while.
Boy, l sure am bushed.
Have you had enough yet, sir?
What do you mean, bushed?
Where are the big rides? The big ones?
Screamie Mimi! Let's go. Get in the front.
Come on.
Has your father
ever killed anyone before?
Oh, just a dog. Oh, and my Aunt Edna.
-Hey. You can't prove that, Rusty.
Rusty? May l call you Rusty?
I had a bad experience
on this ride once before.
What happened?
I threw up.
No, don't do that again.
Goodie, goodie, goodie! The Loop-D-Loop.
Come on, get in there. Let's go.
-Please, don't push.
-Come on, Audrey.
Isn't this fun, honey? Come on.
That's not a real gun, is it, Clark?
What? Are you kidding?
This is a Magnum P.I.
It's a BB gun.
Don't try me. I could put an eye out
with this.
-You couldn't break the skin with that.
-lt could. lt could break the skin.
It could lodge under the skin
and cause a bad infection.
-That's an old wives' tale, Clark. I'm telling.
-You're not going--
See, l told you. l warned you.
If you wrecked these pants,
you're paying for them.
Yeah, l'll pay for them.
You'll pay for them.
LASKY: Why did you shoot me?
CLARK: lt's a BB gun. l told you.
LASKY: Well it hurt.
-What do you want?
-Why'd you shoot me?
-You tried to run away.
LASKY: l wasn't going anywhere.
CLARK: l thought you were.
This is great, Dad!
Don't shoot.
You, out.
All right, hands behind your heads.
Spread your legs apart.
And up against the wall.
You two, over there.
-Just a BB gun.
-You're all under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent.
-lf you give up the right to remain silent--
-Watch your hands, mister.
--in a court of law.
How many are there? A lot of them?
What, five? What, are they Arabs?
Whatever they want, pay them.
We'll pay them.
-What's going on?
-We've got it under control.
-These people are terrorists.
LASKY: Hello, Mr. Walley.
-He treated me like a dog, Mr. Walley.
-He humiliated my human decency!
-What did he do with your dog?
He kidnapped me, but l wanna tell you,
I had a great time.
It's the most fantastic time l ever had.
I like where I was way up high--
I'm glad you liked it.
Now, what's happening?
-That's Roy Walley, honey.
ELLEN: I know!
Mr. Walley, my name is Russ Lasky.
-l met you at the summer picnic last year.
-l don't remember.
-They kidnapped my men.
-l was the one who was sick.
Anyway, I went on all the rides,
and l didn't get sick this time.
-Normally, l get sick on all your rides--
Uh-- Mr. Walley? Roy?
I think I can make some sense out of this.
Well, somebody better explain...
...or there'll be a lot of explaining to do.
-l'm Clark W. Griswold.
And, oh, this is my wife, Ellen.
Hi. We're really big fans of yours.
We watch your show all the time.
-And my children, Audrey and Rusty.
ROY: Nice family.
-We're from Chicago, Roy. The Windy City.
-Yes, I've been there many times.
We just spent two weeks of living hell
driving out here.
We lost a very dear member
of the family along the way.
But the important thing, Roy... that we could've gone anywhere
we wanted to this summer.
Anywhere in the world.
But when l asked my kids....
And l said-- Kids, remember when I said,
"Where would you like to go this summer?"
-What did you say?
Shut up, Russ. Audrey, you remember?
Uh-- Walley World, Dad?
Walley World, Dad. Roy Walley World.
I don't imagine you have any children.
Are you kidding? l have seven.
I thought so.
Seven, did you hear that, honey?
You look so young.
-You do look very young.
-Oh? Well.
Did you ever drive them across country?
Oh, hell yes.
I took the whole clan to Florida one year.
The worst two weeks l ever had in my life.
The smell from the back seat
was unbearable. You know families.
I know that smell. l know that smell.
But, Roy, can you imagine
how your kids would've felt...
...if when you got to Florida,
it was closed?
Oh, they don't close Florida.
I know they don't close
the state of Florida. But, you know...
...when we got here,
to Roy Walley World...
...and it was closed down, Roy....
If you had seen the look
on my kids' faces....
-l just went a little haywire.
-You went a lot haywire, if you ask me.
Well, l'm very sorry, sir.
And l'm sorry to all these people.
I didn't mean any harm.
I just want you to ask yourself one thing.
If you were....
If you were me...
...wouldn't you do the same thing
for your children?
MAN: We're all finished here, Mr. Walley.
You want me to take them downtown
and book them?
No. No.
Forget it, officer.
I'm not gonna press any charges.
Walley. Good, huh?
What did l tell you? Did I say trust me?
Huh? Ha-ha-ha.