Necrologies (2018) Movie Script
Want some help?
- You scared the shit out of me!
- What the fuck are you doing here?
It's not what you think sir, I...
Have you heard about
the respect of the dead?
Look, I just took a few pictures, I
didn't want to annoy anyone, I'm sorry.
- Who allowed you to do that?
- Well... the dead.
The dead! Come on, follow me!
Follow me! I'm gonna call the cops!
Come on! You can't run, the gate is closed.
Come on, follow me! Come on!
Please sir, I didn't do anything wrong.
What the hell were you doing there, really?
- I have a blog.
- A what?
It's a web site, for horror films...
You know, Frankenstein,
Dracula, Night of the living dead...
It's my passion, I mean...
it makes me laugh...
It makes you laugh, right?
I mean... I don't believe in
those things... It's not serious!
Death is serious! I made
my life's work out of it!
Even my hobby! There! Wait...
Look at this...
Look, I too, I take pictures!
What is this thing?
This thing?
- My most precious property!
- A family album?
Each and every one of these
pictures represent a tomb...
Sometimes death stroke in a common way,
and sometimes... in a way...
There, this one...
You like supernatural stories...
You might like it. I called it...
"The Call Of Death."
Fuck!
What's up? You sound like shit!
I stayed a bit late with
Ben and his friend...
I'm really tired...
We didn't see each other
at all, is Ben's friend nice?
He's Okay...
And then we went to the Tikky,
I didn't have any signal there.
It's not the signal, Your
cell phone is a piece of shit!
You got drunk while your
boyfriend was out again?
Yeah...
I' don't know if I can work right now,
Anyway...
I was suppose to help you,
when do we do that now?
Yeah, yeah, I'll tell
you that another time.
Yeah, I think I'll take a nap.
You'll say that I'm being a pain again
but what did you with Ben at the Tikky?
- Aren't you tired of messing things up?
- What messing up?
Everybody knows that he
fucks everything that moves!
I'm not stupid!
Come on! I need more
than two or three drinks
and a hot guy to...
I need more to mess up
and I don't think...
- Fuck!
- Hello?
No!
Come on!
You're working again?
- Hello?
- Hi, Am I speaking to Dr Hardy?
Not at all you must have
called a wrong number.
- Oh fine, excuse me then.
- No problem, goodbye.
- Hello Jrme?
- No, it's not Jerme
- I called you earlier.
- Yeah yeah...
Forgive me for calling you back
but I'm very sensitive to... voices.
I can't talk right now, I'm
expecting a very important call.
It's just that your voice
reminded me of something.
Maybe but I really can't talk.
I'm sorry but it's that you can
trust only a few people nowadays
and you... your voice...
I don't know... I felt something special...
I'd like to do something
for you but right now
is really not the time.
Speak to me a little maybe?
I must tell you: I'm blind.
And I have much trouble
to connect with people.
Oh...
I'm very sorry for you,
I understand... it must be hard.
I feel so lonely,
and when I hear a voice like yours,
I get a little piece of
hope in mankind again.
But...
You have nobody close to you?
Someone to talk to?
Well... She preferred
a man who could see
who could see her. Could
you stand a blind boyfriend?
Honestly... I don't know.
No marveled eyes when he sees you?
No allusion on your appearance?
No consciousness of your beauty?
Yeah sure must be hard, right?
On the other side, there's
over-sensibility to touch and smell...
A vanilla perfume... The
touch of a curl of hair...
Anyway I talk to much... What
about you? Do you have someone?
Yeah, well, it's complicated...
I'm no good for relationships.
Yeah, you got to be two
people to build a relationship.
I mean, he's always gone
somewhere else and I...
- It's not easy...
- He's working a lot?
Hmmmmmm...
- Yeah, he's always moving.
- What about you?
I'm studying sociology, I'm
finishing my thesis right now.
Okay.
I'm studying Russian women in the 1950's.
It doesn't sound very exciting,
but in fact it is very much.
Can I ask you a question?
- Of course...
- Why did you change your perfume Elsa?
I loved the vanilla one, it made me crazy!
Leave me alone or I'll call the cops!
As you wish, I'll call
Jrme to talk a little.
No wait, how... How do you know?
You don't have to be blind to see nothing:
People can hide things to you.
- Who the fuck are you?
- Someone who knows you well, Elsa,
Very well.
What are you talking about?
If you're pranking
me, it's not funny at all.
I love the way you lie: "I
need more to mess up..."
How did you hear that?
I'm no fool Elsa. I know every
one of your tricks to seduce
- to seduce me...
- Are you insane? I'm warning you!
You... you'll let me go,
- You'll be in trouble otherwise!
- But it's you who let me into your life,
you drew me to you...
Look, I don't know how you
heard my conversations but...
You let me smell you, cuddle
your cheeks, you made me mad!
You sick fuck, let me go now or else
you'll have trouble,
big trouble I tell you.
Or I'll be inside you soon, very soon...
Cops
- Please hold on...
- I need help!
I'm close to you Elsa, very close...
- Jerme?
- Are you okay?
I'm glad to hear you!
There's a maniac trying to stalk
me on the phone, it's horrible.
- What?
- When do you come back home?
- Wait...
- Elsa?
Hold on.
Elsa can you open to me please?
My hands are full!
But it's... but it's not...
You're not...
No it's not Jrme.
Haven't you guessed?
You're holding me against you.
You're mine.
You're mine.
Elsa?
Elsa!
You're kidding me? Killed by her phone!
- Have you seen the body?
- No!
I did!
I can tell you it wasn't a pretty sight!
No, no, wait, wait! Don't
you have more stories to tell?
Alright!
Then...
Oh this one! Yes! This one!
What happen to this
person is quite unusual!
I called it...
"The Beast."
Fuck!
Hey!
Hey!
Asshole!
Help me!
What happened to you?
Can you walk?
- Hurry up!
- What is going on?
We have to go now!
Get outta here!
What do you want?
You stay away from this! Get outta here.
What do you want from this
woman? Can't you see she's hurt!
You have no idea what you're talking about!
I don't know what he wants, he's insane!
- Listen there must be...
- Shut the fuck up!
You got three seconds to move your ass!
On three, I'll shoot!
Believe me, buddy. It's for your own good!
So please, get the fuck out!
- 1...
- Stop!
2...
You moron!
You're proud of yourself?
I should have blown your head off!
- What is going on?
- Still didn't get it?
- What?
- The girl you keep safe
she...
Sir?
Sir?
Laura?
Can you hear me?
Hello?
Hello?
Fuck!
Fucking pests!
You mean that
this monster's body
is buried in your graveyard?
It's awesome!
The body yes... But not the head!
Well! Now...
No, no, wait! I too, have a story.
It's a great one, you'll see!
It happened to a friend of mine.
I call it...
"Return Of The Lizardmen."
What the hell is he doing?
- I'm sorry I'm late.
- It's about time!
- Actually, I...
- Shush shush shush.
Let's get started!
What are you doing with that camera?
Practicing for tomorrow,
I'm trying out styles.
We'll fix it in post.
It has to look like direct
cinema, not like TV.
Seriously Diana, what do you think?
It's fine, we just want to get
the average, not go to Cannes!
Wouldn't you rather go to bed?
How do I fast forward this thing?
- Please tell me it wasn't rolling.
- No, no.
- Alright, see you tomorrow?
- Yes, and tell Lionel I said hi.
You're such a dick.
Don't forget to film the videos,
I'll take care of the Interviews.
My human name is Romain Jacques,
but I'm known as the Great Mallard.
In 1000 AD, Christ was summoned
by the outer-world forces.
Otherwise known as the
Duckmen. The real Christ.
They pushed the lizard men
into the center of the Earth,
which was flat back then. Then
Christ mysteriously disappeared.
Since then, we have
been ruled by Reptilians.
I know that now is the time to, once
again, fight back against the lizard men.
I would like to call upon all forces of
good to join me at the Montaugeux Castle.
It's a telluric landmark where
we will be able to cast the ritual
so as to fight back the Lizardmen
at the center of the Earth.
When I was a child, I realized
I had the power of triple vision
thanks to the magic of
the Duckman inside me.
Wait, wait, I'm going
to do a reverse-angle.
Aaaand action!
I'm warning you, this is
the last time I'm doing this.
What about narrative continuity?
You're in the frame.
You're still in the frame.
- So, which one should we interview?
- Let's go further down.
This is my grandfather's legacy
I've always been proud of it...
My wife and I used to drink our
urine long before joining the Duckmen.
People think it's gross, but it's
really not. We call it the elixir of life.
sexual games...
Want to try?
Cellphones are among us.
Cellphones are dangerous
and that's how they dominate the world.
I see... You're filming, right?
I know because I was abducted
by the Duckmen when I was little.
I was about five or six.
- They chose me, I'm not sure why.
- What did they do to you?
I don't remember everything,
just that they warned me.
- In what way?
- They revealed something to me.
They taught me how the
Lizardmen recharge their powers.
They do it using horror movies.
- Horror movies?
- Yeah, horror movies.
That's all the production
of horror movies are for.
- How so?
- It... Its is used to...
To recharge the Lizardmen's powers!
I'm not sure I understand... I thought
they'd been around for two thousand years?
What did they use before horror movies?
With books? I guess...
I was only warned
about films, nothing else.
- But I can assure you, I'm not crazy!
- Yes of course.
But you already knew that, didn't you?
- Me?
- Yes, you were already aware!
You knew, you're one of
them! You're a Lizard-woman!
- She was really freaky, wasn't she?
- Yeah...
- Maybe it wasn't a good idea after all...
- You OK?
Yeah, yeah...
Alright come on, let's
go get the duck shots.
Are you recording?
Ego Coligunt Anates Vivit.
We really need to find Romain Jacques!
- Yeah, he's the protagonist.
- Yes that's right.
- Come on, I wanna see his charms!
- According to his video, it's on the right.
Are you filming? It's got to be this way.
- Mr Mallard?
- The Great Mallard? Yes, that's me.
- Are you filming?
- It's for school...
It's a documentary! Independent.
Could you answer a few questions?
Very well. Let me finish the preparations
for the ceremony and I'll be all yours.
Watch out for the ducklings!
Be careful, don't leave the ducklings
too far away from their mummies.
Watch the candle's angles, it must
be aligned with the center of the Earth
as to properly capture it's energy.
The candles are palm oil free, right?
Perfect.
Perfect, Let's mix up the ducks
Perfect The candles Aligned
Could you please introduce yourself?
My name is Romain Jacques, aka the Great
Mallard, reincarnation of the Cosmic Christ
and the Reptilian Slayer, or
as people says, the Lizardmen.
What's going to happen here tonight?
This evening, using a simple ritual,
The Great Mallard's energy will allow us.
To rid ourselves from the
Reptilian's government on Earth.
Do you have any proof that we
are being governed by giant lizards?
Lizardmen. No. We don't have
any proof, they're very clever.
We only have a few clues, and the
voice of the Great Mallard that guides me.
What does the ritual look like?
Using the telluric energies
of the Duckmen builders,
we will focus on the centrifugal
energy of the Earth and sacrifice a duck.
Err... What duck?
Damn, the duck... Quick! Go fetch a duck!
Shall we go see? It could
be cool to film a bad trip!
Are you alright, sir? Are you hurt?
Oh my God! I'll go get help, don't move!
You... have to stop her!
She... she set up a trap...
Hide your camera!
There you are my little duck!
Give me your camera!
This is his body, which we give to you.
- Finally...
- What should we do now?
Clearly you didn't read the
briefing, so let me explain it again.
What do we do if someone sees the film?
We say it's fiction.
We'll send it to
Anthology or film festivals,
Nobody will care.
That's why he's here.
Alright, but how do we make him believe us?
Let me do it.
Hey Kiddo, time to wake up!
The Lizardmen! They're
here! The Lizard... men.
No, no, didn't anybody ever tell you
to watch out for things in your drink?
Who never did anything
stupid in their youth right?
Anyway, your movie is very good,
we're going to send it to Cannes.
Alright, see ya!
You really think, you're going
to stall with such bullshit?
Lizard men...
Duck men
what about pig women?
What? I believe in those stuff!
It's like the Illuminatis,
the Little Grey ones.
They run everything!
Politics... military
- even the police!
- Talking about that!
Follow me, we're going to the cops.
No please!
Well, you lucky bastard!
Wait then!
This one!
Tomb number 237.
I think you're going
to like it, you'll see!
We'll call it...
"A Hell Of A Bargain."
It's you!
Hello Mrs Croul!
It's me again!
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Come on in Mr...
De Wacker, Christian De Wacker.
So, How are you today?
Not dead yet,
as you can see.
My kidneys hurt
my heart is not what it used to be but
luckily I have my beloved Pozu!
But he doesn't like visitors,
it makes him nervous.
That is why I must cover it's cage,
especially when you're there.
Very well, Mrs Croul, so,
I brought you the documents.
About the selling of your house... There.
Mr De Wacker, you
might be a charming fellow,
but you have the flaw
of insisting too much.
You're right Mrs Croul.
My late grandmother
told it to me all the time!
Look, I can give you a very good
price... Very much above it's true value.
I already told you,
that I am not interested,
in your modern deathtraps.
This house is mine
and will remain like this!
Too bad Mrs Croul!
Really too bad!
What is this?
What are you doing?
Just a little persuasion tool.
So Mrs Croul,
you will wright a letter,
which will explain
that you decided to
spend your last moments,
at a niece abroad,
you will give me your
house, at the price I gave you.
You're insane!
Get out of my house!
Such a shame Mrs Croul.
I will have to deal with this
with your little canary then.
Not Pozu!
Alright, alright, alright!
I'll do what you want.
Very well, Mrs Croul.
You became rational.
Read and approved,
and you sign.
Come on, hurry up!
And there!
Try not to cry on the
contract, so inesthetic.
You'll go to hell!
Like every bastards of your kind!
Mrs Croul?
Fuck!
I killed the old hag.
Hi Christina, yes gorgeous, how are you?
Yes, it all went very
well. The deal is done.
I like when you speak English to me.
Get the champagne,
we're going to celebrate.
Don't forget to call my wife.
Tell her that I'll be late
because of a client... the usual...
Right, later gorgeous, bye.
Where did she hide her fucking money?
What's that?
Fucking bird!
Where the fuck is he?
Kitty kitty kitty!
Kitty kitty!
Kitty kitty!
Pozu! Mad!
What am I going to do?
Calm yourself! Gotta think.
I need to get out of here right now.
This bastard is still here.
Looks clear.
Fuck!
Keep laughing!
Looking for this?
Give it to me you piece of shit!
Be nice, give it to me!
I swear I won't call pest extermination.
What the fuck is he doing?
Cut cut.
It's ready, ready, ready!
You'll love it!
It's finger lickin' good!
Crunchy and yummy!
I'll show you nothing can be
worse than a real estate agent.
Mercy!
You got enough, scumbag?
See, I've got the key back!
Piece of shit!
Go to your mistress, scumbag!
Holy shit! I earned some rest!
So pretty boy, leaving me without a kiss?
What did you do to me? I can't move!
You're toasted!
Here she comes!
Please!
I'm begging you!
I'm so sorry!
I'll never do it again.
Stop crying! So inesthetic.
Is anybody here?
Are you there?
I've been calling you since yesterday.
Hello.
Gorgeous!
But... Where did the Pozu go?
There!
I thought you liked being frightened!
- Can I go now?
- Certainly not.
You're the one who wanted to
wander around the graveyard, didn't you?
I swear I'll never do it again,
let me go, it's getting late.
Alright.
But first, you have to
listen to this one last story.
I call it:
"The Eye Of Taal."
The sixth cloud.
Well it's...
It's good
a little simple but... But it's good.
- Is it the original size?
- No, the original ones are bigger.
They're back at my house.
They all have different sizes.
Well look, I find that rather... gothic.
It reminds me of Goya a little bit.
But tell me there is a thematic because
what's this zombi we can see everywhere?
It's the all subject of my work.
It's not a zombi.
It's a creature from a
quite popular urban legend.
- Ah?
- We call it "the Angel of Taal."
It's a representation of death.
Like a modern Charon.
Like I'Ankou in Britain.
A modern zombi!
No, it's a real legend!
They say he appears to people
the night before their death.
Some said they have seen a dreadful shape.
A kind of a monstrous cow boy!
A zombie cowboy!
It's not Goya, It's a B movie.
But specialists made
very serious research on it.
And this representation appears
very often since the early 19th century.
You're talking about it
like you're believing in it?
No! I'm interested in the
legend, the popular myth.
Like the devil or werewolves.
If you listen to legends,
if you listen carefully,
you could see that magic is
everywhere, that's what I wanted to show.
It's like superstitions where
here to fill the lack of
of... of barocco in the world!
Come to my house at Christmas
you'll see some barocco!
- Excuse me?
- No, nothing.
Well, look, I think it's quite interesting,
You're passionate, it'
obvious, and it's good!
Passion is important for an artist.
But it's not everything either...
Okay, explain your
drawings to me individually.
Like, I don't know, This one, with the...
With the gangster in a pub.
I like this one.
The gangster as you say,
is Lucien Bellefeuille,
Thirty four years old, divorced, two kids,
saxophone player at the Whispers Bar.
It was in 1937.
The place was empty.
Habits and tiredness
made him unaware of it.
He sat down,
ordered a whiskey, double.
A whiskey, double!
Then, turning his head, he
noticed the void around him.
At the bar stood a dreadful shape.
The cowboy. The "Angel of Taal" himself.
They found Lucien the next day,
his eyes white, and blind, half insane.
How delightful.
And... wait... this one...
Yes... This one,
with the lady in the car.
Virginie Brandignac,
Clerk in Melun.
She was going at her country house,
for the holidays.
They found her chopped up in
pieces, in the trunk of her car.
It was in 1983.
Oookay.
And this one? With the garbage collector?
Ferdinand Dugommier, 2009.
He was found drowned in the Seine,
the night after.
How dreadful.
And this one, with the monster and his axe?
This might be the most horrible story.
It was the night of march the 12th of 1992.
And this time, there was a witness.
It's not bullshit.
Josette's kid saw it.
A big dark monster,
with a cowboy hat.
It's all bullshit!
You shouldn't say that!
Don't fuck with the Angel of Taal.
He comes at night to
get people for his master.
Those he likes survive,
but go blind and insane.
The others, end up chopped in pieces.
What does he look like, your Taal?
My Taal...
He's like a gigantic eye in the sky.
His look strikes you down!
Don't fuck with me!
You don't know... You're young!
But these stories, in my country,
they didn't make us
laugh, I'll tell you that...
On full moon nights,
sometimes, we could see
like the shape of an eye in a cloud
- in a cloud?
- Yeah...
The sixth cloud...
Look, I'll take care of my plants, right?
The sixth cloud...
What a moron... really...
Holy shit!
And this one, is it you?
The girl next to the tree?
Yes. It's one of my dreams.
I drew it on those three ones.
I saw the cowboy far away
and he wanted me to follow him.
And you followed him?
No, I woke up.
Too bad. That would have been interesting.
- Maybe...
- Yeah, well.
You got skills... It's obvious.
You have an original theme.
But...
It's lacking of something, you know?
You could keep on drawing your dreams.
It's not very original but, on
the other hand, it always works.
- You think so?
- Yeah, yeah...
Look, I'll tell you this:
You take your drawings
back, you make a dozen more,
you come back to me and we'll talk again.
But I thought that...
Not now, I have another
meeting in five minutes.
Thanks for seeing me anyway
I'll come back with more drawings.
Perfect. Goodbye Lucille, and by the way...
Say hello to your father and, kindly
remind him of our golf next Sunday.
What's the matter?
Didn't you like my story?
I did, I really did, but I have to go now.
My mother is sick, and I don't
want her to worry about me.
Your mother... I'm going to tell
you something about your mother!
Jeanine Couchard
born in 1936,
on the 28th of October in Metz,
died in Ronchin on the
17th of November 2016.
Leaving behind her retarded orphan son,
Ludovic!
What the fuck? How did you know that?
She told me.
You're fucking crazy!
You see kid, I've been in the
Death industry for a long time.
I've seen dead people,
I've buried more people than I can count.
I've chatted with some of them.
But now, after 307 years of hard work,
I need to retire,
I need someone to take over.
And you showed up right on time!
That's right! Hold it tight!
There is still pages to
fill, pictures to be taken,
stories to be told... don't be afraid!
I've been there too!
This is a life changing opportunity,
I'm offering you your dreams!
Happy birthday, boss.
- You scared the shit out of me!
- What the fuck are you doing here?
It's not what you think sir, I...
Have you heard about
the respect of the dead?
Look, I just took a few pictures, I
didn't want to annoy anyone, I'm sorry.
- Who allowed you to do that?
- Well... the dead.
The dead! Come on, follow me!
Follow me! I'm gonna call the cops!
Come on! You can't run, the gate is closed.
Come on, follow me! Come on!
Please sir, I didn't do anything wrong.
What the hell were you doing there, really?
- I have a blog.
- A what?
It's a web site, for horror films...
You know, Frankenstein,
Dracula, Night of the living dead...
It's my passion, I mean...
it makes me laugh...
It makes you laugh, right?
I mean... I don't believe in
those things... It's not serious!
Death is serious! I made
my life's work out of it!
Even my hobby! There! Wait...
Look at this...
Look, I too, I take pictures!
What is this thing?
This thing?
- My most precious property!
- A family album?
Each and every one of these
pictures represent a tomb...
Sometimes death stroke in a common way,
and sometimes... in a way...
There, this one...
You like supernatural stories...
You might like it. I called it...
"The Call Of Death."
Fuck!
What's up? You sound like shit!
I stayed a bit late with
Ben and his friend...
I'm really tired...
We didn't see each other
at all, is Ben's friend nice?
He's Okay...
And then we went to the Tikky,
I didn't have any signal there.
It's not the signal, Your
cell phone is a piece of shit!
You got drunk while your
boyfriend was out again?
Yeah...
I' don't know if I can work right now,
Anyway...
I was suppose to help you,
when do we do that now?
Yeah, yeah, I'll tell
you that another time.
Yeah, I think I'll take a nap.
You'll say that I'm being a pain again
but what did you with Ben at the Tikky?
- Aren't you tired of messing things up?
- What messing up?
Everybody knows that he
fucks everything that moves!
I'm not stupid!
Come on! I need more
than two or three drinks
and a hot guy to...
I need more to mess up
and I don't think...
- Fuck!
- Hello?
No!
Come on!
You're working again?
- Hello?
- Hi, Am I speaking to Dr Hardy?
Not at all you must have
called a wrong number.
- Oh fine, excuse me then.
- No problem, goodbye.
- Hello Jrme?
- No, it's not Jerme
- I called you earlier.
- Yeah yeah...
Forgive me for calling you back
but I'm very sensitive to... voices.
I can't talk right now, I'm
expecting a very important call.
It's just that your voice
reminded me of something.
Maybe but I really can't talk.
I'm sorry but it's that you can
trust only a few people nowadays
and you... your voice...
I don't know... I felt something special...
I'd like to do something
for you but right now
is really not the time.
Speak to me a little maybe?
I must tell you: I'm blind.
And I have much trouble
to connect with people.
Oh...
I'm very sorry for you,
I understand... it must be hard.
I feel so lonely,
and when I hear a voice like yours,
I get a little piece of
hope in mankind again.
But...
You have nobody close to you?
Someone to talk to?
Well... She preferred
a man who could see
who could see her. Could
you stand a blind boyfriend?
Honestly... I don't know.
No marveled eyes when he sees you?
No allusion on your appearance?
No consciousness of your beauty?
Yeah sure must be hard, right?
On the other side, there's
over-sensibility to touch and smell...
A vanilla perfume... The
touch of a curl of hair...
Anyway I talk to much... What
about you? Do you have someone?
Yeah, well, it's complicated...
I'm no good for relationships.
Yeah, you got to be two
people to build a relationship.
I mean, he's always gone
somewhere else and I...
- It's not easy...
- He's working a lot?
Hmmmmmm...
- Yeah, he's always moving.
- What about you?
I'm studying sociology, I'm
finishing my thesis right now.
Okay.
I'm studying Russian women in the 1950's.
It doesn't sound very exciting,
but in fact it is very much.
Can I ask you a question?
- Of course...
- Why did you change your perfume Elsa?
I loved the vanilla one, it made me crazy!
Leave me alone or I'll call the cops!
As you wish, I'll call
Jrme to talk a little.
No wait, how... How do you know?
You don't have to be blind to see nothing:
People can hide things to you.
- Who the fuck are you?
- Someone who knows you well, Elsa,
Very well.
What are you talking about?
If you're pranking
me, it's not funny at all.
I love the way you lie: "I
need more to mess up..."
How did you hear that?
I'm no fool Elsa. I know every
one of your tricks to seduce
- to seduce me...
- Are you insane? I'm warning you!
You... you'll let me go,
- You'll be in trouble otherwise!
- But it's you who let me into your life,
you drew me to you...
Look, I don't know how you
heard my conversations but...
You let me smell you, cuddle
your cheeks, you made me mad!
You sick fuck, let me go now or else
you'll have trouble,
big trouble I tell you.
Or I'll be inside you soon, very soon...
Cops
- Please hold on...
- I need help!
I'm close to you Elsa, very close...
- Jerme?
- Are you okay?
I'm glad to hear you!
There's a maniac trying to stalk
me on the phone, it's horrible.
- What?
- When do you come back home?
- Wait...
- Elsa?
Hold on.
Elsa can you open to me please?
My hands are full!
But it's... but it's not...
You're not...
No it's not Jrme.
Haven't you guessed?
You're holding me against you.
You're mine.
You're mine.
Elsa?
Elsa!
You're kidding me? Killed by her phone!
- Have you seen the body?
- No!
I did!
I can tell you it wasn't a pretty sight!
No, no, wait, wait! Don't
you have more stories to tell?
Alright!
Then...
Oh this one! Yes! This one!
What happen to this
person is quite unusual!
I called it...
"The Beast."
Fuck!
Hey!
Hey!
Asshole!
Help me!
What happened to you?
Can you walk?
- Hurry up!
- What is going on?
We have to go now!
Get outta here!
What do you want?
You stay away from this! Get outta here.
What do you want from this
woman? Can't you see she's hurt!
You have no idea what you're talking about!
I don't know what he wants, he's insane!
- Listen there must be...
- Shut the fuck up!
You got three seconds to move your ass!
On three, I'll shoot!
Believe me, buddy. It's for your own good!
So please, get the fuck out!
- 1...
- Stop!
2...
You moron!
You're proud of yourself?
I should have blown your head off!
- What is going on?
- Still didn't get it?
- What?
- The girl you keep safe
she...
Sir?
Sir?
Laura?
Can you hear me?
Hello?
Hello?
Fuck!
Fucking pests!
You mean that
this monster's body
is buried in your graveyard?
It's awesome!
The body yes... But not the head!
Well! Now...
No, no, wait! I too, have a story.
It's a great one, you'll see!
It happened to a friend of mine.
I call it...
"Return Of The Lizardmen."
What the hell is he doing?
- I'm sorry I'm late.
- It's about time!
- Actually, I...
- Shush shush shush.
Let's get started!
What are you doing with that camera?
Practicing for tomorrow,
I'm trying out styles.
We'll fix it in post.
It has to look like direct
cinema, not like TV.
Seriously Diana, what do you think?
It's fine, we just want to get
the average, not go to Cannes!
Wouldn't you rather go to bed?
How do I fast forward this thing?
- Please tell me it wasn't rolling.
- No, no.
- Alright, see you tomorrow?
- Yes, and tell Lionel I said hi.
You're such a dick.
Don't forget to film the videos,
I'll take care of the Interviews.
My human name is Romain Jacques,
but I'm known as the Great Mallard.
In 1000 AD, Christ was summoned
by the outer-world forces.
Otherwise known as the
Duckmen. The real Christ.
They pushed the lizard men
into the center of the Earth,
which was flat back then. Then
Christ mysteriously disappeared.
Since then, we have
been ruled by Reptilians.
I know that now is the time to, once
again, fight back against the lizard men.
I would like to call upon all forces of
good to join me at the Montaugeux Castle.
It's a telluric landmark where
we will be able to cast the ritual
so as to fight back the Lizardmen
at the center of the Earth.
When I was a child, I realized
I had the power of triple vision
thanks to the magic of
the Duckman inside me.
Wait, wait, I'm going
to do a reverse-angle.
Aaaand action!
I'm warning you, this is
the last time I'm doing this.
What about narrative continuity?
You're in the frame.
You're still in the frame.
- So, which one should we interview?
- Let's go further down.
This is my grandfather's legacy
I've always been proud of it...
My wife and I used to drink our
urine long before joining the Duckmen.
People think it's gross, but it's
really not. We call it the elixir of life.
sexual games...
Want to try?
Cellphones are among us.
Cellphones are dangerous
and that's how they dominate the world.
I see... You're filming, right?
I know because I was abducted
by the Duckmen when I was little.
I was about five or six.
- They chose me, I'm not sure why.
- What did they do to you?
I don't remember everything,
just that they warned me.
- In what way?
- They revealed something to me.
They taught me how the
Lizardmen recharge their powers.
They do it using horror movies.
- Horror movies?
- Yeah, horror movies.
That's all the production
of horror movies are for.
- How so?
- It... Its is used to...
To recharge the Lizardmen's powers!
I'm not sure I understand... I thought
they'd been around for two thousand years?
What did they use before horror movies?
With books? I guess...
I was only warned
about films, nothing else.
- But I can assure you, I'm not crazy!
- Yes of course.
But you already knew that, didn't you?
- Me?
- Yes, you were already aware!
You knew, you're one of
them! You're a Lizard-woman!
- She was really freaky, wasn't she?
- Yeah...
- Maybe it wasn't a good idea after all...
- You OK?
Yeah, yeah...
Alright come on, let's
go get the duck shots.
Are you recording?
Ego Coligunt Anates Vivit.
We really need to find Romain Jacques!
- Yeah, he's the protagonist.
- Yes that's right.
- Come on, I wanna see his charms!
- According to his video, it's on the right.
Are you filming? It's got to be this way.
- Mr Mallard?
- The Great Mallard? Yes, that's me.
- Are you filming?
- It's for school...
It's a documentary! Independent.
Could you answer a few questions?
Very well. Let me finish the preparations
for the ceremony and I'll be all yours.
Watch out for the ducklings!
Be careful, don't leave the ducklings
too far away from their mummies.
Watch the candle's angles, it must
be aligned with the center of the Earth
as to properly capture it's energy.
The candles are palm oil free, right?
Perfect.
Perfect, Let's mix up the ducks
Perfect The candles Aligned
Could you please introduce yourself?
My name is Romain Jacques, aka the Great
Mallard, reincarnation of the Cosmic Christ
and the Reptilian Slayer, or
as people says, the Lizardmen.
What's going to happen here tonight?
This evening, using a simple ritual,
The Great Mallard's energy will allow us.
To rid ourselves from the
Reptilian's government on Earth.
Do you have any proof that we
are being governed by giant lizards?
Lizardmen. No. We don't have
any proof, they're very clever.
We only have a few clues, and the
voice of the Great Mallard that guides me.
What does the ritual look like?
Using the telluric energies
of the Duckmen builders,
we will focus on the centrifugal
energy of the Earth and sacrifice a duck.
Err... What duck?
Damn, the duck... Quick! Go fetch a duck!
Shall we go see? It could
be cool to film a bad trip!
Are you alright, sir? Are you hurt?
Oh my God! I'll go get help, don't move!
You... have to stop her!
She... she set up a trap...
Hide your camera!
There you are my little duck!
Give me your camera!
This is his body, which we give to you.
- Finally...
- What should we do now?
Clearly you didn't read the
briefing, so let me explain it again.
What do we do if someone sees the film?
We say it's fiction.
We'll send it to
Anthology or film festivals,
Nobody will care.
That's why he's here.
Alright, but how do we make him believe us?
Let me do it.
Hey Kiddo, time to wake up!
The Lizardmen! They're
here! The Lizard... men.
No, no, didn't anybody ever tell you
to watch out for things in your drink?
Who never did anything
stupid in their youth right?
Anyway, your movie is very good,
we're going to send it to Cannes.
Alright, see ya!
You really think, you're going
to stall with such bullshit?
Lizard men...
Duck men
what about pig women?
What? I believe in those stuff!
It's like the Illuminatis,
the Little Grey ones.
They run everything!
Politics... military
- even the police!
- Talking about that!
Follow me, we're going to the cops.
No please!
Well, you lucky bastard!
Wait then!
This one!
Tomb number 237.
I think you're going
to like it, you'll see!
We'll call it...
"A Hell Of A Bargain."
It's you!
Hello Mrs Croul!
It's me again!
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Come on in Mr...
De Wacker, Christian De Wacker.
So, How are you today?
Not dead yet,
as you can see.
My kidneys hurt
my heart is not what it used to be but
luckily I have my beloved Pozu!
But he doesn't like visitors,
it makes him nervous.
That is why I must cover it's cage,
especially when you're there.
Very well, Mrs Croul, so,
I brought you the documents.
About the selling of your house... There.
Mr De Wacker, you
might be a charming fellow,
but you have the flaw
of insisting too much.
You're right Mrs Croul.
My late grandmother
told it to me all the time!
Look, I can give you a very good
price... Very much above it's true value.
I already told you,
that I am not interested,
in your modern deathtraps.
This house is mine
and will remain like this!
Too bad Mrs Croul!
Really too bad!
What is this?
What are you doing?
Just a little persuasion tool.
So Mrs Croul,
you will wright a letter,
which will explain
that you decided to
spend your last moments,
at a niece abroad,
you will give me your
house, at the price I gave you.
You're insane!
Get out of my house!
Such a shame Mrs Croul.
I will have to deal with this
with your little canary then.
Not Pozu!
Alright, alright, alright!
I'll do what you want.
Very well, Mrs Croul.
You became rational.
Read and approved,
and you sign.
Come on, hurry up!
And there!
Try not to cry on the
contract, so inesthetic.
You'll go to hell!
Like every bastards of your kind!
Mrs Croul?
Fuck!
I killed the old hag.
Hi Christina, yes gorgeous, how are you?
Yes, it all went very
well. The deal is done.
I like when you speak English to me.
Get the champagne,
we're going to celebrate.
Don't forget to call my wife.
Tell her that I'll be late
because of a client... the usual...
Right, later gorgeous, bye.
Where did she hide her fucking money?
What's that?
Fucking bird!
Where the fuck is he?
Kitty kitty kitty!
Kitty kitty!
Kitty kitty!
Pozu! Mad!
What am I going to do?
Calm yourself! Gotta think.
I need to get out of here right now.
This bastard is still here.
Looks clear.
Fuck!
Keep laughing!
Looking for this?
Give it to me you piece of shit!
Be nice, give it to me!
I swear I won't call pest extermination.
What the fuck is he doing?
Cut cut.
It's ready, ready, ready!
You'll love it!
It's finger lickin' good!
Crunchy and yummy!
I'll show you nothing can be
worse than a real estate agent.
Mercy!
You got enough, scumbag?
See, I've got the key back!
Piece of shit!
Go to your mistress, scumbag!
Holy shit! I earned some rest!
So pretty boy, leaving me without a kiss?
What did you do to me? I can't move!
You're toasted!
Here she comes!
Please!
I'm begging you!
I'm so sorry!
I'll never do it again.
Stop crying! So inesthetic.
Is anybody here?
Are you there?
I've been calling you since yesterday.
Hello.
Gorgeous!
But... Where did the Pozu go?
There!
I thought you liked being frightened!
- Can I go now?
- Certainly not.
You're the one who wanted to
wander around the graveyard, didn't you?
I swear I'll never do it again,
let me go, it's getting late.
Alright.
But first, you have to
listen to this one last story.
I call it:
"The Eye Of Taal."
The sixth cloud.
Well it's...
It's good
a little simple but... But it's good.
- Is it the original size?
- No, the original ones are bigger.
They're back at my house.
They all have different sizes.
Well look, I find that rather... gothic.
It reminds me of Goya a little bit.
But tell me there is a thematic because
what's this zombi we can see everywhere?
It's the all subject of my work.
It's not a zombi.
It's a creature from a
quite popular urban legend.
- Ah?
- We call it "the Angel of Taal."
It's a representation of death.
Like a modern Charon.
Like I'Ankou in Britain.
A modern zombi!
No, it's a real legend!
They say he appears to people
the night before their death.
Some said they have seen a dreadful shape.
A kind of a monstrous cow boy!
A zombie cowboy!
It's not Goya, It's a B movie.
But specialists made
very serious research on it.
And this representation appears
very often since the early 19th century.
You're talking about it
like you're believing in it?
No! I'm interested in the
legend, the popular myth.
Like the devil or werewolves.
If you listen to legends,
if you listen carefully,
you could see that magic is
everywhere, that's what I wanted to show.
It's like superstitions where
here to fill the lack of
of... of barocco in the world!
Come to my house at Christmas
you'll see some barocco!
- Excuse me?
- No, nothing.
Well, look, I think it's quite interesting,
You're passionate, it'
obvious, and it's good!
Passion is important for an artist.
But it's not everything either...
Okay, explain your
drawings to me individually.
Like, I don't know, This one, with the...
With the gangster in a pub.
I like this one.
The gangster as you say,
is Lucien Bellefeuille,
Thirty four years old, divorced, two kids,
saxophone player at the Whispers Bar.
It was in 1937.
The place was empty.
Habits and tiredness
made him unaware of it.
He sat down,
ordered a whiskey, double.
A whiskey, double!
Then, turning his head, he
noticed the void around him.
At the bar stood a dreadful shape.
The cowboy. The "Angel of Taal" himself.
They found Lucien the next day,
his eyes white, and blind, half insane.
How delightful.
And... wait... this one...
Yes... This one,
with the lady in the car.
Virginie Brandignac,
Clerk in Melun.
She was going at her country house,
for the holidays.
They found her chopped up in
pieces, in the trunk of her car.
It was in 1983.
Oookay.
And this one? With the garbage collector?
Ferdinand Dugommier, 2009.
He was found drowned in the Seine,
the night after.
How dreadful.
And this one, with the monster and his axe?
This might be the most horrible story.
It was the night of march the 12th of 1992.
And this time, there was a witness.
It's not bullshit.
Josette's kid saw it.
A big dark monster,
with a cowboy hat.
It's all bullshit!
You shouldn't say that!
Don't fuck with the Angel of Taal.
He comes at night to
get people for his master.
Those he likes survive,
but go blind and insane.
The others, end up chopped in pieces.
What does he look like, your Taal?
My Taal...
He's like a gigantic eye in the sky.
His look strikes you down!
Don't fuck with me!
You don't know... You're young!
But these stories, in my country,
they didn't make us
laugh, I'll tell you that...
On full moon nights,
sometimes, we could see
like the shape of an eye in a cloud
- in a cloud?
- Yeah...
The sixth cloud...
Look, I'll take care of my plants, right?
The sixth cloud...
What a moron... really...
Holy shit!
And this one, is it you?
The girl next to the tree?
Yes. It's one of my dreams.
I drew it on those three ones.
I saw the cowboy far away
and he wanted me to follow him.
And you followed him?
No, I woke up.
Too bad. That would have been interesting.
- Maybe...
- Yeah, well.
You got skills... It's obvious.
You have an original theme.
But...
It's lacking of something, you know?
You could keep on drawing your dreams.
It's not very original but, on
the other hand, it always works.
- You think so?
- Yeah, yeah...
Look, I'll tell you this:
You take your drawings
back, you make a dozen more,
you come back to me and we'll talk again.
But I thought that...
Not now, I have another
meeting in five minutes.
Thanks for seeing me anyway
I'll come back with more drawings.
Perfect. Goodbye Lucille, and by the way...
Say hello to your father and, kindly
remind him of our golf next Sunday.
What's the matter?
Didn't you like my story?
I did, I really did, but I have to go now.
My mother is sick, and I don't
want her to worry about me.
Your mother... I'm going to tell
you something about your mother!
Jeanine Couchard
born in 1936,
on the 28th of October in Metz,
died in Ronchin on the
17th of November 2016.
Leaving behind her retarded orphan son,
Ludovic!
What the fuck? How did you know that?
She told me.
You're fucking crazy!
You see kid, I've been in the
Death industry for a long time.
I've seen dead people,
I've buried more people than I can count.
I've chatted with some of them.
But now, after 307 years of hard work,
I need to retire,
I need someone to take over.
And you showed up right on time!
That's right! Hold it tight!
There is still pages to
fill, pictures to be taken,
stories to be told... don't be afraid!
I've been there too!
This is a life changing opportunity,
I'm offering you your dreams!
Happy birthday, boss.