Neighbors (1981) Movie Script

Stay with us for
blood-chilling suspense...
...blackmail, murder,
intrigue and love.
Next on Channel 8.
- A tourist, visiting a friend,
was struck... a 30-pound block as he
walk ed down the stage-door alley.
The cinder block hit me
on the flat side...
...of the block itself,
as if it were hurled at me.
- When the ferry dock ed,
he was napping.
A deck hand wok e him and told him
to drive off. But Max was in reverse.
He went right off the back of the ferry.
He drowned.
But if you were complaining
about the weather this week end... could have been worse.
A series of floods...
- I guess it's that time.
- You want any help?
There was a terrific recipe for capon
in the Times today.
Takes two minutes.
The National Guard has been
called out...
...and some people may have to...
Enid, someone's moving into
the Warren place.
It's a funny time to be moving.
I don't see any kids' stuff.
Thank God.
Maybe we should ask them over
for a drink tonight.
- It being their first night and all.
- Tomorrow will be fine.
Well, tomorrow's not tonight,
you know.
- And it would be nice.
- There's plenty of time to be nice.
You don't have to push it.
I think they've got a dog.
Kalinqashe, the dog spirit,
is swift and faithful.
I don't care. I don't want him
in my garden digging up my bulbs.
Who would want your bulbs?
- What can I do for you?
- Anything you like.
The question is,
what do you want in return?
Hi. I'm Ramona.
I just moved in next door.
- Oh, really?
- Really.
Who's this?
- Your girlfriend?
- No, that's my daughter, Elaine.
That's a hot one.
By the way, my name is Earl Keese.
I was real friendly
with a boy named Earl once.
Well, twice really.
So you're all moved in next door, huh?
It's a very good house. I imagine
you'll want to freshen it up.
Give it a new coat of paint,
mow the lawn.
Is your wife here?
She's in the kitchen.
- She's dying to meet you. I'll get her.
- No, no, I don't want to meet her.
I hope we're gonna be friends.
We were very friendly
with the Warrens next door.
But we weren't that close.
I mean, we were next-door close.
I didn't mean that kind of close.
I mean "close" close.
Is your wife making dinner?
She's fixing a great capon.
It was in the Times today.
Would you like to stay for dinner?
Are there more of you?
Is there a Mr. Ramona?
You go ask your wife if it's okay.
No, it's no problem, really.
Don't argue with me, Earl.
You wouldn't want me
to have to pull down your pants...
...and spank your little buns...
...would you?
Don't you go away. I'll be right back.
- How many frozen waffles you want?
- Waffles? What happened to the capon?
- What capon?
- You said you read... incredible recipe for it.
- I didn't say we were having it.
Leave it to you
to take something for granted.
Frozen waffles is all we've got.
Weren't you gonna pick up steaks
for tomorrow?
You're asking for steak?
You could have picked up
some cheap ones.
I will not eat cheap meat.
No! No!
- May I help you?
- Hi, Earl. I'm Vic.
I'm sure Ramona's already told you
my whole life story.
- No, but you must be her...
- That's me, like it or not.
If you know what I mean. Have a seat.
So, what do you say, neighbour?
Welcome to the end of the road,
I guess.
- It's a great house.
- Thank you.
I mean mine. More rooms than we
need, really, but I couldn't resist.
It was a steal.
What's on the menu, pal?
I'm starved.
We haven't eaten all day. We could eat
a baby's butt through a park bench.
I'm afraid I spoke too soon earlier.
We haven't got enough.
Enid didn't get to her shopping today.
Well, no sweat.
I'll just go and get some takeout.
There's nothing around here
except the standard burgers...
...greasy dogs and a gummy pizza.
- I can do better than that.
You just leave everything
to Captain Vic.
Look, friend, if I do the running,
I know you'll wanna spring for the tab.
Thirty bucks?
For four grown people?
Where have you been? It takes
30 bucks just to look at a menu.
- This is a $2 bill.
- Let me see that.
Gee, I thought it was a 20.
- Really.
- Well, people palm them off that way.
You never know who's gonna
stick it to you, do you, Earl?
Look, if 32 bucks isn't enough,
we can always do it some other night.
Why don't we do it now.
Let's have your car keys, okay?
- My car keys?
- Yeah, my brakes are shot.
Why don't I get the food? I'm the one
who's supposed to be neighbourly.
You stay here and my wife
will keep you company.
Forget it. If you insist on paying for
dinner, the least I can do is go get it.
What I don't understand
is where you're going.
There's no place decent around here.
If you must know, it's a new place,
opened up on the other side of town.
Near the train station.
Across from the warehouse.
I commute, I go by there twice a day,
five days a week...
...and I've never seen
a restaurant around there.
You calling me a liar?
No, I...
I'm just not very observant,
I guess.
I can't blame you.
They don't have their sign up yet.
But it's got a cute name:
Caesar's Garlic Wars.
Okay. Why don't you
get some ravioli...
...and some... What do you
call those stuffed clams?
- Stuffed clams.
- Yeah. And some scampi and garlic.
Whatever I get, Earl,
I first have to get going.
I'll get the keys.
Why don't you stay here
and make yourself at home.
I'll be right here.
Took a bath. There's a dead rat
in our tub over there.
Vic said not to move it.
Took a pill. Moving always makes me
kind of hyper.
I hope you don't mind.
Yeah. Sure. I don't mind.
Oh, you do mind, don't you?
Vic's going out for Italian food.
You come down and join us
whenever you can, okay?
What are you so nervous about, Earl?
Afraid Vic will think you're up here...
...chewing me?
What are you doing? Robbing me?
Looking for a pencil to write down
what you want for supper.
You got a pencil in your hand.
$327. Is that all you had
at the end of last month?
That's none of your business.
Stay out of there, please.
- I just wanted to get the order right.
- Why don't we go downstairs.
After you.
- So, what do you want?
- Make it simple.
Spaghetti, meatballs, a salad.
Whatever you want for you and...
What's not simple
is how I get to the restaurant.
- Use my car.
- Has it got a key or a rubber band... wind up?
- Why don't I go with you.
Afraid I'll steal your car?
That's why I moved in next door?
So I could rip off your car
and move somewhere else?
- There you go.
- Back in a flash, pal.
Waffles are browning.
Always a thrilling sight.
Good news, Enid.
Italian food is on the way.
You arranged it?
Well, more or less.
I invited the neighbours.
Oh, you met them.
What did you think?
I guess I'll go up and get dressed.
What for?
You said they were coming over.
Well, they're not dressing.
They're barely dressed.
I mean, you could go
in the kitchen and set the table.
And turn the waffles off.
I'll be there in a minute to help you.
You got lots to do down here.
Yeah, there is something I forgot to do.
That's a boy.
You want some steak?
Don't tell me, you must be
our new neighbour. Come on in.
Thanks a lot.
Someone's stolen our truck...
...and I need to use the phone
to call the police.
Use the phone in the kitchen.
What a terrible thing, your first day.
It's even worse than just that.
Baby was in the back.
- Oh, my.
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
Vic. Your baby's drowning!
No chance.
Why should my dog be drowning?
I thought "child."
We haven't any children.
Unless Ramona just pumped one out...
...and didn't tell me.
She calls the dog "Baby."
- She calls the dog "Baby"?
- Yeah. He's fine.
I just saw him around the back there.
When I drove up.
He's digging up something
in your flowerbed.
My flowerbed?
Hi, Enid.
Hi, Vic.
Oh, we met hours ago.
Earl here was worried about Baby.
Oh, he's no trouble at all.
He's a perfect gentleman.
- Leave him with me any time you want.
- Don't worry, I will.
They spoil him awfully.
I want him to have every advantage
I was denied as a young dog.
Well, here are your keys, Mr. Keese.
Let's dig into this stuff
before the sauce turns into penicillin.
Why don't you look for Ramona.
- Me?
- Finders keepers, Earl. After all...
...I know what goes on out here
in the suburbs.
That's why we moved here.
Oh, Vic.
- What do you think, Earl?
- Don't do that. You are outrageous.
Too bad about Vic's truck, Earl.
Well, I was just pushing it
into my garage... hide it from him, you know,
kind of a joke.
- It was an accident.
- It could happen to anybody.
I think 1500 should take care of it.
Fifteen hundred? Dollars?
It was just a joke. I mean, I'm sure
your insurance will cover most of it...
...and I'll pay the deductible.
What is it, 100 or so?
For the truck.
Keeping me quiet is a little extra.
I don't believe it.
You're blackmailing me.
Hey, what are neighbours for?
Oh, make it cash.
Hey, come on in, buddy.
Help yourself.
Well, here we all are.
To Vic and Ramona.
For bringing a breath of fresh air
to our neighbourhood.
May we have many, many years
of your lovely company.
Do they have any country fairs here?
Where they do things like see
which bull has the biggest balls?
This isn't really country. It's more
a suburban bedroom community.
The locals are in service trades.
They're not farmers.
Maybe we can measure their balls.
Or we could start with yours,
if you like.
Good, is it?
- Delicious.
- I must call Caesar's...
...and compliment the chef.
Tell me, were they crowded
this evening?
- What?
- Caesar's.
Friday night, the only place in town.
Bet they were turning them away
in droves.
Okay, you probably
called the place...
...and found out they're not open
for business yet, right?
So does that make me a liar?
Maybe I got there,
saw the place was closed...
...and went somewhere else
to pick up the food.
Where? Everything's shut at this hour.
- And the wine?
- What's the matter?
Vic brings a wonderful dinner
and you give him the third degree.
I don't mind.
There's no mystery about it.
You know Valley Field Mall on Route 3?
Across from the Cinema Cineplex?
There's a small spaghetti and wine
dealership there.
Next to the Singer Sewing Centre.
That's where you got it?
That's right.
Well, to begin with,
Valley Field Mall is closed.
When it was open, it was
on Route 15, not Route 3.
And there can't be
a small spaghetti dealership... to the Singer Centre
across from the cineplex...
...because there is no cineplex
and there is no Singer Sewing Centre.
All right, I can deceive you no longer.
Yes, yes, yes, I admit it.
It was me who prepared this meal... share on our
first night together as neighbours.
This was my crime. Mixing up
a special batch of my Aunt Minota's...
...secret, sacred spaghetti sauce.
Sorry I messed up your evening. Right?
In light of Earl's feelings,
I think it would be best if we left.
Oh, no, no. Sit down, sit down.
Let's finish this magnificent meal.
Don't worry about Earl.
He'll get over his feelings.
- He spurned my sauce.
- No, he loves your sauce.
He's just jealous, he can't cook.
Earl, isn't it your turn
to do a little confessing?
- What?
- Vic's been man enough to admit...
...he was the one who cooked supper.
You've got nothing to say?
I don't think that'll be necessary.
We do have an agreement, don't we?
I'm talking about what you did outside.
Yes, Ramona. I know and I accept
the figures you mentioned.
"Figures," Earl? What "figures"?
Just a little arrangement
I have with Ramona.
What sort of arrangement?
Oh, boy.
We're waiting.
Or do I have to pound it out of you?
Don't speak to me like that
in my own house.
- Why would I?
- You just did.
- It's just a something a guy says.
- I never say it.
- I don't blame you.
- Ramona...
...why don't you be man enough
to tell us since Earl isn't.
He tried to pork me.
Pork you? What?!
You know you did.
I swear, I never touched her.
Well, I wasn't born
with your hand in my bush.
Enid, help me.
Tell them I couldn't
do something like that.
- Let's leave that to the police.
- Vic, she's not my type.
Enid, you tell Earl he'll have
a chance to defend himself.
I think you can see
why we have to leave.
I know you meant well.
Didn't you?
We might have had
a wonderful relationship.
But then, as Arthur Bremer once said:
"How many things go right
in this crazy world?"
Ramona, let's go.
Come on, before he gets dangerous.
- I thought I'd be able to defend myself!
- Not so loud, Earl.
Afraid we'll disturb the neighbours?
These are the goddamn neighbours!
Calm yourself, Earl.
I'm not gonna take you to court.
That would make for bad blood.
We don't want any bad blood...
...especially since we'll be living
next door to you for a long, long time.
I swear to God, Enid,
we may have to move.
They're very strange people.
You know how after five minutes
when you meet someone... know everything about them?
What they do, their last name.
We know nothing about them.
- So what?
- So why didn't you say something?
You were in the house the whole time
she was here.
Besides, you know how long it takes
to pork someone?
No, how long does it take, Earl?
Are you saying you believe her?
Enid, I'm the same man
you've known for 16 years.
I know.
What the hell's going on around here?
He comes waltzing in
and you say, "Hi, Vic."
- How did you know his name?
- He came over this afternoon.
I didn't have a chance to tell you.
- You could've told me in the car.
- You know we never talk in the car.
Today you could've made an exception.
That house next door is empty
for six months and you meet...
...the new occupants before I do,
and you don't say anything?
- Enid, am I being unreasonable?
- Pass the wine.
Did you tell me everybody
you met today?
I didn't meet anyone today.
I never meet anyone.
A new neighbour's
a bit different, isn't it?
A new neighbour whose unit
we can stare at.
- I wasn't staring at his unit.
- I saw you, Enid.
I don't care what other wives do,
only the one I'm married to.
I know when a woman's
checking out a man's unit.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, Vic's wife, that Ramona.
She did it to me, practically
unzipped my fly with her eyes.
And you hated it, right?
How many stiff nips
did you check out at the office today?
I know you, Earl, your eyes
never sit still for a minute.
Why'd you give their dog our steak?
I saw you, behind my back.
I was afraid you wouldn't approve.
You were afraid right,
I can tell you that.
What could I do?
Vic asked me
to look after Baby for a while.
But steak? Jesus, why didn't you
stuff money into his mouth?
And 32 bucks for this load of crap?
It's his money.
Baby! Oh, my God! Baby!
Get that thing away from that thing!
What happened?
Baby was over by that thing
taking a leak.
Jesus Christ.
Come, Baby. Come.
Come here. Come here.
He's all right.
Sweetie, where's the truck?
Maybe that thing got our truck
like Earl got me.
Relax with that stuff. Our boy here
has been through enough.
We really had you going there.
Ramona's such an imp.
We were just kind of putting you on
at supper. Like a little joke.
A joke? You call accusing me
of porking Ramona a joke?
Oh, what's the matter with you, Earl?
Can't you take a joke?
Let's go, Ramona, come in the house.
It's Friday night. I'll buy you a drink.
Yeah, I can take a joke, Enid!
- Can you take a joke, Vic?
- Any joke you dish up.
- Oh, yeah?
- Well, try me.
- I sank your truck.
- What?
I didn't mean to. I lost control after
I moved the brick from under your tire.
You touched my brick?
I told you I had no brakes.
I borrowed your car for the takeout.
- But you didn't go for takeout.
- Where's my truck and my airplane?
It's down in the swamp.
I'll go get my jacket.
We'll get your jacket later.
You just take me to...
...the swamp.
Give me the light, I'll lead the way.
You're pretty lucky,
having a swamp next to your house.
It didn't always smell this way.
When we moved in, it was a freshwater
lake with fish and everything.
Then the Interstate Chemical
began dumping upstream...
...and weird things started to grow.
I haven't been here since the search
party a couple years ago.
Search party?
Some guy disappeared down here.
A lineman from the power company.
Said it was quicksand.
Quicksand, this part of the country?
No way.
That's what I said.
Vic, help me. Please help me!
Do you feel my truck in there?
Vic, come on, help me.
I'll buy you a new truck.
Not like that one. How about my
triplane? How you gonna replace that?
Help, please.
I'm being sucked down.
- Maybe it's best that way.
- What are you talking about?
You're not the ideal neighbour.
You sank my truck... insulted my sauce
and you violated Ramona.
- You said it was just a joke.
- But she was in your bathtub.
No, she wasn't.
She was in the bed.
And that is where
you saw her mammae.
- Her mammal?
- Her honkers, Earl.
She dropped the towel.
Did she drop it,
or did you psychically will it to fall?
- "Will it to fall"?
- Did you will her towel to fall?
Never. No.
Admit it, Earl.
They'll go easier on you if you do.
Will it to fall?
Well... No, I don't think so.
Come on, Earl.
- Well, maybe a little.
- Come on.
Yes! Yes!
- Okay, I admit it.
- Admit what?
Yes. I willed the towel to fall!
Grab on. Earl Keese, come on up.
See, all I wanted was a little honesty
in our relationship, buddy.
You'd want the
same thing, right, pal?
Don't kid around.
Come on up. Vic!
Vic, I'm sorry.
Vic, come back, Vic!
Vic, come back.
Forgive me, Vic.
Forgive me.
Oh, my God.
I must be seeing things.
So there was this Indian and...
Oh, God!
Jesus! Get out of here!
Get out!
Get out of my house!
You're certifiable!
You and that woman!
You're nuts!
You're a maniac! Get out!
God, does it always
shrivel up when you shower?
Now it's your turn
to annoy me, right?
I was looking for Baby. You haven't
seen him, have you? He kills chickens.
Well, I don't keep
chickens in the shower.
- This is pretty.
- Please don't touch them.
Put them back on the shelf.
Your left ball
in the corner pocket.
Sorry, Earl.
I started collecting them
when I was 9 years old.
Hey, you kids,
keep it down to a dull roar.
I'm not cleaning up
down there again, Earl.
What's happening, gang?
Hi, Vic.
Come on in and join the party.
I gotta go upstairs, be right back.
I gotta get a broom
to sweep up all this junk.
Get a little rough with you, did he?
Earl. Hey, Earl.
- Go to hell. You're not getting back in.
- You locked them in?
They're a couple of cases.
They're fruitcakes, lunatics.
- Both of them. They're hazardous, Enid.
- Enid. You in there, honey?
Right here, Captain Vic.
You can't keep them prisoners, Earl.
I'm gonna call the locksmith.
They can let them out the side door.
Hello, Chic. It's Earl.
- Earl. Earl who?
- No jok es, will you?
I need the name of that locksmith.
I broke a key and I got
two lunatics locked in my basement.
What? What did you say?
- Blow it out your ass.
- Is somebody on this line?
- Just you and me, asshole.
- The bastard's on the phone.
- You called me, didn't you?
- Not you.
- Me.
- Get off the line, Vic.
- Who's Vic?
- He lives next door.
- Nobody lives next door.
- That's right.
- Christ.
- Earl, you been drinking?
- What the hell is going on?
- Never mind, forget it.
And don't ever call here again.
Oh, really, Earl. Grow up.
- Vic, stop!
- Please, you promised me. Please.
- Your leg. Just one leg.
- It's a trick.
You are pitiful, Earl.
How do you know it's a trick?
- You always go limp in a crisis.
- It's not a crisis, it's a trick.
How do you know Vic
isn't an escaped vivisectionist?
A vivisectionist!
Are you still in one piece?
Come on, kids.
Fun's fun.
All right. Game's over.
Greavy's Garage.
I'm sorry to be calling you
at this hour.
It don't matter. We're open 24 hours.
All day, all damn night. What you need?
I'm at number 2 Burt Street.
I need somebody to let me out of my
basement, and a tow truck immediately.
Ain't that damn truck there yet?
I sent my boy Perry out there
five minutes ago.
Some fella named Vic called up.
You're kidding.
Yeah, I'm kidding. I stay up all night
so I can wank my crank on the phone.
Wait a minute.
- He just got here.
- That fella Vic...
...says you run his truck
down the swamp.
Locked him and
his missus in a root cellar.
- It was kind of a joke.
- A joke?
What the hell kind of joke is that?
It's as funny as a gutful of pinworms.
- Who ask ed your opinion?
- Who the hell has to, jack-off?
Just because I lay under
your carpet that's insides...
...and because I snake your pipes
and drain your cesspool...
...don't make me dirt under your feet.
I'm as good as you any day, asshole.
If I didn't have to do this crap for a
living, I wouldn't sell you my snot.
It's like a peashooter. I saw a guy
take three slugs from one of these.
- He just kept coming.
- I remember that.
- Be cool, brothers.
- Take it easy, guys.
- You too. Good night.
- Look who's home.
- Our daughter, the outlaw hitchhiker.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Elaine, what are you doing home?
- Got kicked out of school. I'm hungry.
We're gonna party with the neighbours.
Aren't they neat? I got some vodka.
- She got kicked out.
- Leave her alone.
Vic, what did you say
is in a pile driver?
Italian Galliano for passion,
Irish Mist for love and...
...Russian vodka for endurance.
- Poor baby. Learn to relax.
Too much excitement's
no good for you.
Why don't you go upstairs,
take a hot bath, get into bed...
...and I'll come up to tuck
you in and help you go to sleep.
That's a good idea.
- I'll go in and say good night.
- That's a good boy.
We used to put
20 of them in there.
Activate the speed rollers, turn on
the hose circuits and that's it.
Vic Zeck's liquid lunch!
Good night, everybody.
I'm going to bed.
I bet you never seen
a pair of these before.
Take a sniff.
- It smells like a peach.
- What are those?
They're my panties. They're edible.
Edible. Hey, wow. The wonders of
modern petro technology.
- Where'd you get them?
- At school. All the kids have them.
- They're tasty.
- They come in four flavours.
- What a great idea.
- Yeah. Four flavours.
Earl, want some of your daughter's
panties? They come in four flavours.
Banana, peach, mint,
and, of course, cherry.
Good night, ladies.
You should have gone
up to bed like I said.
Nice meeting you.
Good night, Enid.
- Nice, Earl. Good move.
- Guys, it's 2 in the morning.
Come on, you need some sleep.
Turn off the lights, Earl.
Two? 2:00?
Is that right? Can that be right?
What do you want?
Please let me in, Earl.
I'll give you a kiss. Anyplace you like.
Oh, Christ.
You've got no interest in me.
Why are you coming on to me?
We could have a real good time, Earl.
I don't care about your false teeth.
- I haven't got false teeth.
- I'm sorry. I guess they just look false.
Look, what do you want from me?
Not just now, the whole thing.
You and Vic. Why?
Poor baby. I guess no one ever
tried to make friends with you before.
Earl, if you won't
let me come in and play... come out and play with me.
- Earl.
- Just for a little while.
- Earl.
- We can talk.
- Earl, are you down there?
Wait. Stay here. I'll be right back.
Who were you
talking to down there?
Talking to? Nobody.
I'm gonna take a shower.
Whatever you say, Earl.
- Well, that was a huge waste of time.
- What do you want?
I give your car a good going-over,
a real good going-over.
And there's nothing wrong with it.
Not a damn thing. So I brung it back.
I guess you had a
good laugh on me, huh?
- Pardon?
- Making a horse's patoot out of me.
- Yeah, huh?
- Wait. I didn't ask to have my... hauled away. Someone
played a joke on both of us.
You're just full of jokes, aren't you?
Well, I think you're a dirty
shit sack, how about that?
Who goes there?
Hi. It's Earl Keese.
Oh, God!
Oh, God.
My God, I thought you were a prowler.
You all right?
- I guess so.
- You look bad, Earl.
You sure you didn't get hit?
I don't know.
I've never been shot at before.
What were you doing out here?
What was that noise?
- What are you up to now?
- Nothing.
Bet you're looking
for Ramona, aren't you?
- No.
- You're rooting around for Ramona.
I'm not rooting around.
She wanted to talk.
She wanted to talk?
Well, actually,
I wanted to talk to someone.
You wanna talk to me?
Come on. Inside.
Grab a seat,
I'll fix us some coffee.
I feel terrible about your eye.
Couldn't be helped.
What are you doing
with all that stuff on?
I was gonna take a dive in the swamp,
try to locate my truck and airplane.
I remember Mrs. Warren used
to bake bread in this kitchen.
I could smell the bread
all the way over at my house.
- Instant okay?
- Yeah.
Better get that fixed.
- Strong?
- Well, not too.
- I gotta rinse this out.
- And waste that coffee?
I'll just put it someplace
until I wash out the cup.
Sit down, Earl.
- I just want to...
- Sit down.
Now, just put the coffee powder
back in the cup.
- Can I wash my hand?
- No.
I thought you came over here to talk.
I like mine tepid and black.
How about you?
Now you take back that cup you keep
switching, Earl. Or it'll be pump city.
Well, it makes no difference to me.
Here we are.
It's about your daughter,
Elaine, isn't it?
I thought so.
I'd say you got a
real problem there, Earl.
What are you talking about?
What do you mean?
Drugs. I can tell.
That spaced-out look.
Used to see it in dust cases
the state police brought in...
...when I was night custody chief
at Oakville Mental.
Yeah, she's got the dries. She
always keeps licking her lips.
- She was dying for a fix.
- She has never taken drugs in her life.
- Never!
- Well, it was just a wild guess.
They think she stole a ring at school.
I just can't believe it.
Is that all? I thought there was
some kind of major catastrophe.
She's been expelled, for God's sake.
I can think of a problem
that's more important...
...and you, as a parent,
are ignoring it.
What is Elaine doing about sex?
Is she getting probed?
That was very foolish, Earl.
And it could get you snuffed!
Why do I keep getting sucked
into these degrading conversations?
Why should I assume that suddenly
you'll turn into a human being?
Both you or Ramona.
- Yes, Earl?
- Why is this door locked?
Is that the dog?
Enid, is that goddamn dog in there?
It's all right.
He's housebroken. Almost.
What the hell is going on in there?
Do you realise how this looks?
Should have slipped it through the mail
slot while you had the chance, Earl.
This is going to take explaining, Enid.
A helluva lot of explaining.
- Daddy, what's the matter?
- Nothing.
- I was talking to your mother.
- Through the door?
- It wasn't very important. Go to sleep.
- I just got up.
Okay, then do that, then.
How about this?
Beautiful morning, huh?
Somebody really did
a number on your front end here.
Not to worry. I know a gypsy
in the city does cheap bodywork.
Somebody wrote something here too.
Said "pimp wagon."
You know who wrote that.
Why would I let
anybody write on your car?
I gotta use this buggy today,
to get us breakfast.
- Breakfast?
- Yeah.
- Just you and me?
- Yeah. Right. Who needs the women?
You know, personally, I think if it'd
just been us guys last night...
...we wouldn't have had any trouble.
- Really?
I know women,
upside down and backwards...
...which is not a bad way
to know them, huh?
I guess so. Say, what does
that say on your arm?
- "Born to party."
- It's the way I live, babe. Have a cigar.
You ever seen one of these?
You know what you and I need?
- A boys' night out.
- Yeah.
- You fool around?
- Yeah, sure.
Good. Keep it under your hat.
I'm gonna get us breakfast.
I hope you like
blueberry pancakes and sausage.
- That's what you're getting.
- Sounds great.
Not the way I fix them.
Get your foot off the gas!
Well, watch the lever. Put your...!
Stop. Pull up, you jerk.
Back up.
Stop it. Watch where you're going.
Stop. Would you stop? You stupid shit!
I ought to crush
your head with a mallet.
The kid's an animal.
You got the keys?
It's not my truck.
The owner went to get breakfast.
I hear you got a whore in there.
- Who told you that?
- I heard.
- Well you heard wrong.
- Ain't got a whore?
- No.
- Know where to find one?
- Of course not.
- Lf one shows up, you let me know?
Careful. That mother freaking
snap back between...
...your legs and lash your
whacker off something fierce.
It doesn't look too bad, does it?
I don't think we'll have to tow it away.
Am I right?
You the bastard that mouthed off
to my dad last night?
He smashed my car and
he punched me in the stomach.
Oh, yeah?
How would you like your
nuts nailed to your forehead, huh?
Hey. Leave that wart-head alone.
Come on, we got cesspools to suck.
Okay, Dad.
You're lucky.
I gotta go help my dad now.
But I'll be back.
Hey, Vic. They got your truck.
Looks as good as new.
Not a scratch on it.
Well, where's breakfast?
Not a scratch?
The rear axle's broken.
Well, I'll get it fixed. It's only fair.
- Forget it. Give it a decent burial.
- You don't want your truck?
You don't get it, do you?
I'm moving. Away.
Moving? What do you mean, moving?
You haven't been here 24 hours yet.
- What's wrong?
- I don't know. That swamp.
In the summer, it must be
a swing club for mosquitoes.
The county sprays.
It's no problem.
Those lines,
they're too close to the house.
They cause hair loss,
lumbar ecstimiosis... cortical lesions and impotency.
It's just a myth.
The power company wouldn't
put them up if they were dangerous.
Of course, it's your right to move,
I guess.
But as far as I'm concerned,
I'd honestly like you to stay.
You would?
Well, to tell you the truth...
...I haven't got
any friends around here.
I mean it.
As crazy as last night was...
...even though I hated your guts
through most of it...
...I really had...
...a good time.
Good time.
I can't remember a better time
on any Friday night I've ever had.
Neither can I.
I bet Ramona doesn't wanna move,
does she?
She's not moving.
You can have her. She's all paid for.
This is another joke.
Of course you're gonna take your wife.
She might come in handy.
- Who says she's my wife?
- She's not your wife?
- Whose wife is she?
- I couldn't care less.
If you want her, she's yours.
With my compliments.
Well, I gotta pack.
It's been nice knowing you.
Enid. Open this door.
It's open.
Where's Enid?
What the hell's going on in here?
Why was that door locked before?
Where's my wife?
She's your wife.
Oh, yeah? Well, you know
what Vic just told me?
- What?
- He's moving.
Moving away.
And leaving you here.
He said I could have you.
What do you think about that?
- Sounds exciting.
- I'm serious.
So am I.
For God's sake,
Ramona, cover yourself.
Come on.
- People just don't do this kind of thing.
- But we could.
Don't worry about Enid.
She's not around.
We won't be disturbed.
Come on, before it gets cold.
I can't.
I know. You're worried about Vic.
No, I'm not worried about Vic.
- He's next door packing.
- All right, baby.
- Baby, watch it. All right, sweetheart.
- Oh, boy.
One time.
All right. All right, sweetie.
Pull out, babe, pull out. All right.
All right. Looking good.
Pull out, babe, pull out. All right.
Jesus, what a case.
Two minutes ago, he said
he was moving away.
I think Vic was right about you.
About what?
He said up is definitely not
your direction.
- Is that what he said?
- Yeah.
Okay, we'll just see about that.
That's my little sweetheart. All right.
All right, dive, baby, dive.
Let's see a screaming dive. All right.
- Hi, neighbour.
- Hi.
Now, I'm just gonna go under
the covers and take a little inventory.
- Promise you won't go away.
- I promise.
What beautiful performance. Beautiful.
Watch that mixture, watch that mixture.
All right, all right.
All right, that's my sweetie.
Good, climb, baby, climb.
Come on, Earl.
I can't concentrate. It's Vic's plane.
That's it. Watch it.
Watch that mixture, take it easy.
Good. He stopped.
Earl. Earl, come quick!
Where are you, are you
upstairs? Earl?
- Vic, what happened?
- We're losing the house, babe.
Vic's house is on fire.
Did you call the fire department?
My phone's dead.
Your phone's dead too.
Water, water.
Look. Look, there's no fire.
It's a trick.
Oh, it was terrible.
I had her up to 100 feet.
Everything was great.
Then the controls jammed.
I think it was that tower.
- My signal couldn't get to the servos.
- Poor baby.
The motor cut out.
I knew it was in the soup.
She went into a vertical spin,
hit the power lines, bounced up.
And then she climbed 300 feet.
You should've seen her.
She was magnificent.
She just sort of stopped
and hung there.
Then she nosed over and came
straight down into my attic.
- The fuel pods exploded in seconds.
- Jesus.
I stamped on the flames,
and everything spread so fast.
That old house is like a matchbox.
If you hadn't had the keys to the car,
he could have driven to a phone.
- What about his truck?
- You broke his rear axle, Daddy.
All right, here, then. It works.
Go ahead. Call the fire department.
You see, he won't even use
the phone.
This is just another one of
his cheap tricks.
Isn't that right, Vic?
Look at him, Enid.
You're fawning all over a fake,
a phoney and a fraud.
- Hey, brother, how about a beer?
- No, thank you.
Look at that thing go.
- What's wrong with the water?
- No pressure. Can't you see?
- Well, what can we do about it?
- I know what we can do.
- What?
- Get some marshmallows.
Enid. Elaine.
Relax. They're all gone.
They left in your car.
Elaine had a key.
Vic made a trade.
All of them for me.
It's been less than 24 hours since
you and Vic moved in next door.
- It seems like years.
- A lot has happened.
You gonna miss Vic?
I don't know.
He was fantastic in bed.
Until I got in it.
You know, it's really great
that you can...
...admit things like that
in your relationship.
You're really wonderful.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Is it so hard having your fantasies
come to life?
There's not a single living thing
left on this road...
...except you and me.
You know what we're gonna do now,
Earl, just you and me?
Have breakfast. Are you hungry?
I'm starving, but there's no food
in the house.
Well, if you have ketchup
and hot water...
...I could make you tomato soup.
I got a better idea. We'll go to the city.
We'll go anyplace you like.
What kind of food?
French, Spanish, fish?
- I like Greek.
- Greek. Great.
I know a great Greek restaurant.
- I'll go get a cab. I'll get ready...
- Oh, Earl?
I know just who I want for dessert.
See, buddy, I got you breakfast.
Hey, Daddy, Vic brought
my five favourite junk foods.
Elaine, get out the china. We'll inhale
this poison on the good stuff.
- Where's all that plum sauce?
- It's in here, it's in here. Wait a second.
Would you like some wine, Enid?
You know, I've been thinking, Enid.
For the past couple of years...
...things around here have been...
Not uncomfortable, mind you, but...
...changeless. Tedious.
Except for last night,
with Vic and Ramona.
They're a sign. They're a revelation.
They're squeezing the maximum yield
out of life.
Let's get back to the world
of the living.
Let's move back to the city.
Or move to the country.
I mean, this is neither.
What do you say?
I understand your restlessness, Earl.
But true change comes only
from within.
- Would you pass the wine?
- You feel it too?
Not a bit.
But I do think the city would be
a good idea.
For you, in any case.
But I meant for both of us.
If we had the money...
...I think I'd go back to school.
I'd like to...
...intensify my Native American
art studies.
We'll have the money.
We'll sell the house.
Vic, here, will buy it.
He's rolling in dough.
Why do you think he crashed his plane
into his house and burned it down?
Why, Daddy?
For the insurance money. Right, Vic?
How much you have the old place
insured for?
He didn't have any insurance.
He never does.
Of course he had insurance.
The bank wouldn't give him a mortgage
without insurance.
He didn't have a mortgage.
You paid cash?
You rented?
Do you remember
when your neighbour, Mrs. Warren...
...moved to Riverside Nursing Home
after her husband died?
Well, that's when we met her.
Vic used to dress her all the time.
Mrs. Warren would always
ask for Vic.
Well, when she died...
...the house was empty,
so we moved in.
Vic said she wouldn't mind.
I said it was a steal.
This is really something.
You two ought to be on 60 Minutes.
Yeah, but now we don't have
no place to live.
Daddy, they could live in my room.
Dick's invited me to Florida
for a couple of weeks.
His mom won't be there.
She said it's okay.
You stay out of this. You're not going
anywhere and Dick is off-limits.
Maybe that's not a bad idea
that Elaine had.
I mean, they could stay
in the guest room.
I don't know. That room's loaded
with a lot of furniture and junk.
If we did stay, we'd really need
the big room, facing the road.
The master bedroom?
Hey, don't worry, we'd earn our keep
around here.
How wonderful.
- No heavy yard work, though.
- Hernia.
Well, I don't know, it is my bedroom.
I kind of have a sentimental
attachment to it.
I'll tell you what.
With a scrub-down
and some carpentry...
...we could make conditions liveable
in the garage.
Garage, huh?
Right. That's it, then.
Ramona, let's hit the road.
Please. Look, I was just kidding.
I want you to stay. Both of you.
You're worth it.
Please stay.
As my friends.
Stay here, in the outer limits
of the dead-end zone?
Nothing personal, but life
at the end of the road...
...just ain't for Captain Vic
and Empress Ramona.
Sorry, folks, but you can
colour us gone.
Boy, they were neat.
They were beyond neat.
They were extraordinary...
Earl, can you write me a check?
I'm gonna need some money
this week.
- How much?
- How much is in the account?
I don't know.
Where's the checkbook?
The checkbook!
- I'm hungry again. You wanna eat?
- Oh, yeah.
Hold it. Hold it right there, folks.
All right.
Let me have it.
What are you talking about
now, Earl?
My checkbook. Not that there's
any money left in my account.
That's what you think of me?
I take your hospitality,
I break bread with your family.
You still think I'd rob you?
Look, just give me the checkbook.
I'm not even gonna talk about
the $32 you stole from me last night...
...when you were
supposed to get dinner...
...and cooked that bogus
spaghetti meal instead.
Your checkbook.
It's on the table in the hall,
next to your wallet.
My wallet! Enid?
Look on the table in the hall.
Do you see my wallet
and checkbook there?
Elaine, get ready to call the police.
Oh, Earl.
Hey. Kojak.
How much is left in the account?
There's $310 left in the account.
Vic spent $17 on pants and a shirt
from Goodwill.
And there's a receipt here for $32...
...from Mr. Fong's Fast Chow.
Do you want me to call
the National Guard now, Daddy?
- Elaine, get the car.
- What for?
Just do as I ask.
Give me the wallet.
All right, now...
...I don't want any argument
about this.
This is the least I can do after all
the trouble I've put you two through.
I just hope that someday
you can forgive me.
- Here.
- What's that?
It's his vehicle registration.
He just signed over his car to us.
Really, Earl?
Yes. It's all yours.
I... I want you to have it...
...because, well...
Because I just want you to have it...
...and to get safely to wherever
you're going.
And, maybe, time and again, you might
think about your old neighbours... on Burt Street.
What's happening, Daddy?
Your old man just gave me
his car, honey.
- I don't know what to say.
- Oh, you don't have to say anything.
It doesn't seem enough.
Oh, Earl.
You are the best.
Hey, come on. Take it easy,
super stud.
You make me look bad.
So make sure you take care
of my little Burt Street beauties.
- I'll try.
- All right.
Some time we had, huh?
Don't drive too long.
You haven't had much sleep.
Remember those shots
I took at you last night?
Yeah, I remember.
Come here.
I knew it was you.
That's why I missed.
Thanks, Vic.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Check the sticker on the door panel.
She'll need an oil change
in about 1000 miles.
Use Wolf's Head Golden 30-weight.
It'll never let you down.
Thanks, buddy.
Okay, pal.
- Bye, folks.
- Goodbye.
Oh, we'll miss you.
I wish you weren't going.
- Don't forget to write, huh?
- Bye.
Be cool, guys.
And now back to
our afternoon feature...
...Redstone Romance, starring
Clive Breck er...
...Marjorie Crane and Sky Saxon.
Hey, Dad, thanks.
It was far-out. Goodbye.
- Where you going?
- Back to school.
Back to school?
I thought you got kicked out.
Connie Schiff confessed.
They threw her out and cleared me.
Oh, that's my ride. I gotta go
or I'll miss the train. Bye, Dad.
- Elaine, I don't want you in that truck!
- I can't hear you.
I'll call you next week. Don't forget
to mail my allowance. Bye.
See you later, wart-head.
Bye, Daddy.
Where are you going?
Oh, I have an emergency meeting of my
Native American art study circle.
- Where'd that getup come from?
- It was a present.
Oh, that must be Mr. Thundersky.
- Mr. Thundersky?
- My ride.
- Who the hell is that?
- Don't wait up. Bye.
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The time to choose your case is now.
I see you still have
the same old wallpaper.
You two make a sharp couple.
You wouldn't believe it.
It happened at the same time.
Vic stared at me. I stared at him.
We both knew it was wrong.
It's just not gonna be any fun
without you.
Honest? Does that mean you'll stay?
- We've got plenty of room.
- No, no. We're past that.
- You're coming with us.
- Really?
Me come with you?
No, you don't mean it.
Sure we mean it. It'll be a blast.
Come on, let's go. We're getting old.
- The dishwasher's on.
- It'll stay on.
All right, damn it. You're on.
Let's do it.
This is crazy, but there's something
so right about it. Let's go.
- Hold it. Not so fast, pal.
- What?
Don't you think you should
leave a note for Enid?
You're right. In fact, I'll leave
a little more than just a note.
No, no, no. Up front,
right next to Captain Vic.
- Where are we going?
- How should I know?
You tell me. I'm just driving.
- Off into the land of the great unknown.
- Look.
You weren't kidding. You really are
leaving a little more than a note.
Well, Enid never did like to come home
to a dark house.