Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising (2016) Movie Script

Okay. Oh, you know it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- There we go.
- That's it.
- That's good.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I'm okay.
- Ah!
- Shh.
Do you want me to put a
pillow over your mouth?
You gonna choke me or something?
Is it like a new sexy thing?
No, so Stella won't wake up.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I'll just be quiet.
I'm sorry.
I'm having a hard time.
I'm a vocal lover.
What was that?
Just looked like you might throw up.
I'm fine.
You're sure?
No, I'm fine.
Is it me? Are you
nauseated by me?
Come on.
Baby, you're my bear.
You look awfully nauseous.
I'm fine.
Did you eat a crab salad again?
You did, didn't you? No.
Oh, no.
That's fine.
Stop. Just stop.
Sorry, it's...
You're so sexy though.
Thanks, baby.
You're sure you're okay?
Honey, I'm completely
and totally...
Baby, I think
I might be pregnant.
That's great!
Sweetie, that's fantastic!
Why don't we...
ls it weird that I came?
They're gonna be
here in five minutes.
I gotta poo!
You already pooed.
I need to poo twice sometimes!
When I'm nervous I poo twice!
You're gonna have to poo later!
Fuck! Fine!
Stella, how do you keep finding
Mommy's dildo?
Just put it away, okay?
When did she start saying
"no" all the time?
I don't know. Hide
your unmentionables.
Hide your bongs!
What's that smell?
It's bong water.
Hey! Welcome home.
Yeah, come in.
If you decide to buy
the house, that is.
They might.
They like it.
Yes. Great.
Well, yeah, so...
Sorry. I know it's annoying
to keep on dropping in.
No. Not annoying at all.
Not annoying at all.
What's annoying about this?
So guys.
Here's the thing.
We'll take it!
Oh, that was totally...
All right.
That was scary.
We love suspense.
Oh, boy. Look.
Guess your daughter
found your vibrator.
She just keeps finding it.
I don't know what's going on.
Stels, put that away.
Stels! She just
learned that word.
Don't even worry. I think I have
that same one at home, right?
But ours is in black.
Black cock.
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Dude.
Maybe we should sign some stuff.
Why don't we.
Yep. I think
we should do that.
We sold our house!
We sold our house!
We did it!
Don't get too psyched because
you haven't sold it yet.
You're in escrow.
What's that bullshit? Were
you trying to fuck us over?
What the fuck are
you talking about?
I asked you months
ago if you understood
what escrow was,
and you said yes.
Just say it one more time.
Maybe say it one more time.
You know, just
refresh our memories.
Okay. Very simple.
Escrow is a 30-day period wherein
the buyer of the new house
gets to do
inspections and whatnot.
And assuming
everything goes well
and nothing changes with the living
situation to spook them or something,
you close. Okay?
So wait. Do we
have escrows on
the other house we just
bought in the suburbs?
No. You have no
escrow on that house.
Why the fuck not?
Because that house
had multiple offers.
And you screamed at me,
"Do whatever you have to
do to get that house."
Yeah, I remember that.
So, I did it. So you
have no escrow there.
And then I asked
you three times,
"Do you understand
what escrow is?"
And once again
you just nodded.
Just like you are right now.
This is how the real
estate crisis happened.
Buyers can pop by
at any time, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
So, your 30 days "do not
fuck up" clock starts now.
Could you just watch
your language, please?
She's holding a dildo.
That's not a dildo.
That is a...
From a cartoon.
Mmm-hmm. Japanese,
anime cartoon.
Well, I watch that cartoon
every night.
Ah, Jesus Christ,
man, we're getting old.
Why do you say that?
Because our friends are dying.
Who's dying?
Do you remember Joe Waterston?
Yeah. Had this little weird
mole on his shoulder.
Was driving to get it checked
out, hit by a bus. Dead.
Are you okay, man?
No, I'm not okay, man.
I'm freaking out about
Paula having a baby.
I don't think I can do it.
Dude, you're gonna be a good parent.
Don't worry.
No, I'm not.
I don't know anything.
Do you know you
can't leave a baby alone?
If you're at home
and you want the baby to stay while
you go see a movie? Unacceptable.
That I do know.
You knew that?
I did know that.
How the fuck are
you gonna have two?
I don't even understand
how that physically works.
I'm actually not that worried.
I'm a good father
to one daughter.
I think I'll be a good father
to two daughters.
Come on.
You're not a good father.
Fuck you. I'm
a good parent. Okay?
Okay, okay, okay.
Well, tell yourself that,
because before you know it,
Stella is gonna be
a tween who hates you,
and it's gonna be your fault because
you let her play with Kelly's dildo.
Because you're a bad parent.
Me and Kelly are good parents.
Don't take your
shit out on me, okay?
All I'm saying, thank
God, I'm having a boy.
'Cause girls are fuckin' hard.
What are you talking about?
Man, it's just easier
with boys, you know?
Like, when a boy
gets laid, it's awesome.
When a girl gets laid, it's bad.
That's not true.
You want your
daughter to have sex?
You're gonna be like,
"Hey, Jimmy, good news.
"Stella just got fucked.
"Come on over
let's have some beers."
Welcome to Phi Lambda!
This is such an exciting year.
If you're lucky,
and you make the cut,
you will be joining a sisterhood
and making best
friends for life.
We're getting a hot tub.
We have all brand
new feather duvets.
That's dope.
And we got a new chef,
and we're going gluten-free.
Hi. What are you doing?
I totally should've offered it
to you first, man. I'm sorry.
Pecking order, you know?
Who hits it first?
No, you go for it.
No, we don't hit
joints here, ever.
That's against the rules. You're
gonna have to take that out.
This is $12. There's
hash oil in the middle.
Your parties must
totally suck ass
if you can't smoke weed.
Am I right?
Oh, damn!
We don't throw parties here.
No sorority can.
According to the
Greek Council, we can't.
No, this is an actual,
real thing.
In the United States of America,
sororities are not allowed to
throw parties in their houses.
Only frats can.
Google it.
Oh, my God! Really?
You just don't party?
No, of course we party, stupid.
We just do it at frats.
Phi Lambda!
Oh, hi!
Sorry, if I interrupted.
No, I...
I don't actually
know anyone here,
so I was just
rereading old texts,
so I don't look like a loser.
So was I.
No one was texting me.
Are you rushing Phi Lambda?
Yes, I'm Beth.
I'm Shelby.
This is exciting, right?
First frat party.
Yeah, totally.
Ten in the bucket.
Yeah, go.
Hey, what's up?
Ten in the bucket.
You're cool.
Get in there.
Uh, no way.
This is all of my money.
No, no. We got a runner!
Thank you so much!
Oh, my God. I feel
like this entire room
is just a giant arrow pointing
upstairs so they can fuck us.
Oh, my God!
'Sup? You wanna
go upstairs?
Who are you asking?
I don't wanna be rude. I really
don't have a preference.
This isn't exactly
what I expected, you know?
Yeah, you mean this fucking
sucks, right? Yeah.
And does no one
know that the same song
keeps playing
over and over again?
Oh, my God, I noticed!
And it makes me want
to blow my brains out.
Hi, I'm Nora, by the way.
Hi, I'm Nora.
Yeah, no.
Let's get out of here!
Let's leave!
I am so happy I
found you guys-
That was the most
weird party ever.
I thought college parties were
supposed to be fun or something.
Yeah, I felt unsafe.
It was super rapey in there.
If I'm being honest,
I've never done drugs before,
but college is
about new experiences.
And here I am,
and I'm gonna do weed.
Just take a little bit.
Wow, that's a big hit.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Oh, my God. Do you need some water?
Are you okay?
Oh, my God. I think
she's gonna boot.
If she boots, I boot.
You're beautiful.
She's good.
I think this is my thing now!
I can't believe you
never smoked in high school.
What did you do in high school?
I didn't tell
you guys. Okay.
Um, I've been in a pretty intense
relationship since third grade.
Oh, my God,
like Cory and Topanga?
Yes, exactly.
That's such a good call.
That's the cutest thing I've
ever heard in my literal life.
Yeah, exactly like that.
Personally, I've made
love to three men.
Two were black.
And one was Indian.
Um, I've done like
everything, but...
But what?
Like everything you can do,
but that one thing.
You've never eaten
out a guy's ass before?
No, no.
No. I mean, I dunno.
High school kind of sucked,
if we're being totally honest.
Yeah, my dad was super strict,
I had really early curfews.
When he dropped
me off at college,
he gave me a rape whistle
and this huge speech on how to
behave myself as a young woman.
Yeah, I mean, because
of all that I guess
I didn't really have much of a social
life when I was in high school.
Girl, you don't have
to say it. We get it.
You had no friends.
Knock, knock, knock!
Hey! R.A. coming through.
What up, homes'?
Hi, Dustin!
Kind of smells a little funky!
- Okay. Are we clone here, guys?
- Um...
First warning,
just the first warning.
I'm kidding.
You're adults.
You're in college.
You scared the crap out of me.
Were all of you smoking weed?
We smoked weed.
God damn it!
I fucking knew it!
You don't do drugs.
Do you?
Okay, we're cool?
I'll see you fools later.
Hit me up if you need me.
Oh, my God.
I am so sick and tired of all
these guys coming into our lives
and trying to
tell us what to do.
We're not little girls anymore.
We are strong adult women.
Yeah, and sororities can't
even throw their own parties.
We can't even
enjoy the frat party.
We can't have fun in our dorm.
You know what we should do?
We should start
our own sorority.
One that can party the way
that we want to. Mmm-hmm.
And like, most importantly,
we can make sisters for life.
I wanna be your sister.
I wanna be your sister.
Okay-Oh, my God!
I told you guys to
shut the fuck up!
Poker night!
Selfie stick!
Yeah. So I've been designing
Outback Steakhouses.
Lots of Outbacks.
But, dude, tell me what's
going on with your app.
Changing the world and shit.
You know, one dick at a time.
Seriously, that's a great idea, man.
Thank you!
An app that makes
pics of your dick bigger.
I meant to tell you,
I enjoyed your TED Talk.
Oh, thank you so much.
Thanks for watching.
You're so successful.
Well, I'm still a cop,
which is not that bad.
You know,
it's a lot of rules now.
We gotta wear body
cameras and all of that.
I don't know why
they gave me one.
It's not like I'm
gonna shoot myself.
But, hey, I figured if you
can't beat 'em, join 'em.
What are you up to, man? How you doing?
Yeah, that's real good.
Work's been a little
bit of a bummer.
They eliminated
the shirtless models,
so now I have to walk around
in this monkey suit.
Looks like
a really soft sweater.
And then you
know what else, too?
I'm the oldest person
there now by six years.
I had to cover
for my boss, Mason,
because he had to
go to his "prom."
When did everyone in
retail get so young?
I just feel, like, really
undervalued, you know?
Yeah, for real.
- At least I have you guys.
- You do!
- I love you guys, man.
- You do.
Delta Psi, man.
Once a week, Delta
week every Monday-
So, uh, Darren.
How much you putting in?
I'm going
all in.
Big hand!
Man, what do you got,
a full house?
Hopefully, one day.
Well, you done done
me and you bet I felt it
Oh, my God.
Our song.
What's going on?
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Oh, I won't hesitate
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
No more, no more
It cannot wait
I'm yours
Oh, my God.
The Greeks believed
we were each half of a whole.
Peter, you are the half
that makes me whole-
This is happening! Oh. my God!
Is this happening?
Look, I don't know
what the rules are-.
I don't know who is
supposed to propose to who.
And you're not a ring guy.
You don't have to wear it.
You know, I guess.
No. That's okay.
Wear it for me.
All right.
Will you marry me,
Peter McCallister?
Yes, you know I will!
Yes! Put it on.
Okay, one, two, three!
Did he ever tell
you about college?
College was crazy, man!
He used to just crush it.
Slay tang.
Oh, wow.
You were out of
your mind a little bit.
I was figuring stuff out.
Yeah, figuring stuff
out knee-deep in pussy.
I also used to...
I ate pussy.
Not as much as him.
By the way, is it cool...
Can we talk about the living
situation real quick?
Dude, don't sweat that.
Darren, you can
move in any time.
Dude, he's basically
here every night.
Thank you so much!
Yeah. Right. Okay.
Seriously, though. Would it
be cool if Darren moved in
and then you did
not live here anymore?
What do you mean? Why?
I mean, we're engaged.
What did you think
was gonna happen?
That you two would
move into your room,
and that I would
live in my room.
For happily ever after.
We're thinking maybe, because
Darren works from home
that maybe we would
turn it into an office.
And then, maybe one day
uh, a baby's room.
No, babies are real small.
They are.
They're tiny, they're the
size of a little shoebox-
Huh. Doesn't take
up the whole room.
Think of a counter
argument, but I...
Dude, I was just fucking joking.
You were fucking...
Totally fucking with you.
You know what?
I need to go for a run.
You're gonna go right now for...
I'm happy for you guys.
I love you guys.
Bring it in, man. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Love you, dude.
Love you, man.
Teddy, don't you wanna grab
your shoes, at least?
Look, ladies, the owner of
this house is super cool.
He's like me.
He's cool, he's dope.
You can do anything here.
You can party, you can stay up
all night, play on your phones.
Snapchat that shit,
I don't care.
And smoke weed.
The question is can you afford it?
What's your name?
Look, I'm Team Shelby.
What's your name?
Nora. I'm Team Nora.
Okay, I'm good.
Look, girls, normally,
it's $25,000 a month.
But I'm willing to offer
it to you for $5,000.
Wow. Can you afford
five grand a month?
Oh, I'm getting
a call-Hold on, please.
Did his phone ring?
I'm so sorry. I have
to take this call.
It's another
ragtag group of girls
trying to start
their own sorority.
They're real
alternative, real edgy.
What to do?
Guys, we gotta act fast.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know. We don't
have enough for a month.
Shit, what do we do?
I don't know.
You're looking at me
and I don't
really know what to...
Okay, guys.
There is a beautiful centaur
sitting thoughtfully over there.
Who are you?
I'm Teddy Sanders.
I used to live here.
- Why are you limping?
- Are you okay?
I just ran here, barefoot.
Really far.
You guys are thinking about
renting this place?
What do you guys want
with such a big house?
We're starting our own sorority
outside the system
- that can totally do whatever it wants.
- Yeah.
Mmm-hmm. Like throw dope-ass
parties and totally rage-
A sorority that can party?
Kappa Nu.
What's wrong with
fraternity parties?
What isn't?
We threw great parties here.
Pimps and Hoes,
CEOs and Corporate Hoes,
Boise Boys and Ida-Hoes.
They're, like, super sexist.
Every party is, like, themed hoe.
I mean...
Oh, no! Oh, God!
Yeah, I see your point.
Honestly, though, it's kind
of a fucking moot point.
We got to figure
out something else.
We can't afford this place.
How much money do you guys
have between the three of you?
Maybe a few thousand dollars.
That's if you really
pool it all together,
and that's for
the entire school year.
So use that as a down payment,
throw a rush event,
get a bunch of members.
They'll pay their dues,
plus you'll have an army of
people to make money for you.
And then pretty soon, you're
a full-fledged sorority.
Right? Do you guys have
the rental agreement?
I don't understand one thing
that you just said to us.
Last week, I was
sleeping in a bunk bed.
I can't make an Eggo!
I can't make one.
I don't know how.
We're 18. We know
what we wanna do.
We have no earthly idea
how to accomplish it.
I ran Delta Psi for four years.
I could definitely help you.
I mean, would that be, like,
of value to you?
Yeah, that'd be,
like, of tremendous value.
We should, like, celebrate!
Dude, who wants to
take a rip on the zip?
Go for it!
Dude, check this out!
I swear, we used to
ride this baby tandem.
Check this out. Delta Psi!
Dude, are you okay?
I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm good.
Legally, this is
not my responsibility.
We'll take it.
Are you okay, dude?
Yeah, I'm totally fine.
I'm really hyped.
I think it's gonna be
the perfect house for us.
Yeah, I'm so excited, you guys.
It's gonna be good.
- I'll see you guys soon.
- Thank you.
Is that Teddy Sanders?
Oh, shit. Oh, no.
Who are they?
GO, go!
Guys. go-
Go, get out of here.
I'll explain later, okay?
Mac! Kelly! Hey,
What's going on?
What's going on, man?
What are you guys doing here?
You live here. Yeah, of course.
Who are they?
Don't worry about them.
So, I see you guys are moving?
Moving on up, yeah.
Well, heck.
You could have done that
when I was living here.
That would have been nice.
Yeah, I know. Just
weren't ready yet.
I have a criminal record
now because of you guys.
Look out.
No, for real. Like,
it's hard to get jobs.
So, it's been really tough.
So, what are you
doing here? Buddy.
Yeah, what brings
you to the hood?
You guys will
find out soon enough.
What does that mean?
Don't worry about it.
It's cool.
It's good to see you guys.
Kind of missed you.
See you soon.
All right. See ya.
Yo. You wanna rush
the coolest sorority ever?
This is the one.
Kappa Nu welcomes you.
What the hell?
There's people there.
Somebody move in?
Excuse me, ladies.
Excuse me.
What the fuck?
What's happening here?
"Kappa Nu. Wants you."
What the fuck?
Hi! We're your neighbours.
Hi. Hello!
Oh, hi.
Mac and Kelly.
Hi, I'm Kelly.
Are your parents around
or something like that?
Oh, no, no, no.
Meet the girls of Kappa Nu.
What's that then?
It's our sorority.
Hi, neighbours!
Do you want
a beer or a mocktail?
Like a mommy mocktail?
Oh, sure.
I'll take a mocktail.
Get this woman a mocktail.
Great. Thank you.
Shelby will get them for you.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
What the fuck?
What are we gonna do?
I don't fucking know.
The buyers are not gonna
want to live next to a house
with a fucking sorority in it.
No, no. ls now a good
time to freak out?
Should I freak out?
No, no, no.
Should I start screaming?
Come on. No, no.
Okay, look.
We've just gotta
convince them to chill.
We just need them
to behave themselves.
We just ask them not to
party while we're escrow.
We'll be fine.
As soon as we're not escrow,
go fucking apeshit.
Hey. guys.
What's up?
Um, can we have a quick chat
with you guys for a second?
We kind of had
a question for you guys.
You see, we live next door,
we just sold our house,
and we're escrowing
for the next 30 days.
And, basically, if anything
happens that spooks those buyers,
they'll pull out of the deal, and
we'll own two homes and be fucked.
So it'd just be great if
you could be mellow and low-key,
and just basically not party
for 30 days- And that's it.
Then we'll be gone.
You go crazy.
We'll be out of
your hair. Yeah.
Well, here's the thing.
A really big part of us creating
this sorority is because
fraternities are
allowed to party
and sororities are
not allowed to party.
Yeah, so partying is
a really big deal for us.
And you guys have
a daughter, I'm sure
you'd want her to have
equal rights as guys.
As a man, I could not
agree with you more,
and could not
support your cause more.
I think my wife has
some thoughts though
on maybe why you guys could
approach this differently.
Take it.
Ladies, we can come
to some sort of
compromise here, can't we?
I'm sure maybe...
No means no!
'Sup, neighbours?
Welcome to soon enough.
What does that mean?
You don't remember
when I told you
that you'd find out soon enough?
I think a lot of this
is going on in your head-.
I'm mentoring this sorority.
That's a thing?
Yes, it's a thing.
Why are you doing that?
I don't know.
Why do butterflies fly?
To drink nectar.
I don't know why things do
what they do, but what I do
is facilitate the act of
partying in this house.
So let's rage!
Missed you guys.
These are the rules for
a successful sorority.
Rule number one.
Use these money buckets
to keep track of your cash.
Five buckets a month
equals house rent.
Rule number two.
Keep getting pledges and you
can dress them up like idiots.
Minions! Minions!
They got a hilarious
army of fucking Minions.
I love Minions, and now
I have to hate them.
They're making me
hate something I love.
Rule number three.
Throw the type of parties
that show what you
guys are all about.
Hillary Clinton.
Joan of Arc orders
you to pass the joint.
First Lady Hillary Clinton?
Or Senator Hillary Clinton?
Or future President
Hillary Clinton?
Oprah, we're out of beer.
Everybody look under their chairs.
You're all getting beer!
You get a beer, you get
a beer, you get a beer.
I love you, Oprah.
Could you please be quiet?
- Shut up!
- Shut up!
I cannot tell you
how thankful I am...
I love you so much.
It's not fair!
They're too young!
Why don't they shut up!
- Just stop it!
- Stop it!
Shut up!
We're begging you!
All right, listen.
I cannot shut down a sorority that's
trying to become independent.
Why not?
It's a PR nightmare.
What's the nightmare?
For example,
"Sexist female dean
shuts down sorority."
That is reverse sexism.
Which is, in and of itself,
a sexist thing to do.
There's no such thing as
reverse sexism, Mr. White Man.
Oh, okay. Hey, don't
talk to me like that,
because I am Jewish.
I am a minority.
Well, less of you.
Like Labradoodles.
Look, if they get three strikes
they have to shut down, right?
As far as I'm concerned,
they have infinite strikes.
I see we're playing outside
the rules of the system,
so why don't we go to Plan B?
Here's a little something
to change your mind.
Do we have a deal, chancellor?
You know what, fuck you!
Unleash the hounds, sweetie.
That's how you talk
in front of your daughter?
Oh, I think we know
how to be parents.
She's a baby, She doesn't
retain any of that shit.
Well, yes she will.
No, she doesn't.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
What's she watching on her iPad?
Ha, ha, ha.
Jokes on you.
I don't know what she's
watching on that iPad.
What are we gonna do?
We have an inspection soon.
The buyers could literally
drive by at any moment,
say, "Oh, the house
has a few leaks,
"and there's 20
fucking psychopathic
"teenagers living
next door."
We're gonna have two houses.
And then we'll have no houses.
And then we're screwed.
We're totally screwed.
Hi, sweetie. Hi, baby.
We just got to get rid of them.
I couldn't talk to those girls.
No. We had middle
ground with the guys.
We could talk to the guys.
They look at us like
it was like their grandparents
walked into that house.
Right? Stella is not gonna
turn out like that.
She'll be our best
friend forever-Yeah.
She loves talking to us.
Yeah. We're a team.
Right, Stella?
Come over here, Stella.
Come here.
Honey, wanna come over here?
What the fuck? What
the fuck is wrong with her?
Play with your toy, sweetie.
Play with your toy.
Just keep playing with your toy.
Give him a kiss.
You know who kids listen to?
Their parents. Celebrities.
Their parents.
What's up...
Hey, Dad!
You started a sorority?
You're supposed to
be living in the dorm,
not in some old
dilapidated mansion!
This is what you want?
You wanna live like some
sort of a drifter murderer?
I can do whatever I want here.
Dad, that's the
point of college.
I'm my own parent.
When did you start
talking like Eminem?
I'm gonna talk like this.
I'm gonna talk like that.
This is ridiculous!
Look at that pizza,
how old is that?
The cheese is moldy on that.
Cheese is mold.
I can eat it,
whenever I want it.
God, have you
inherited my stupid gene?
Look at you.
So you get to be just
as dumb as boys now?
Is that what you learned here?
You are going back to the dorm!
No! This is where
I chose to live.
It is only Kappa Nu.
Looks like my
little girl's growing up.
Thanks, Dad.
I can buy your girlfriends and
you some brunch, if you want?
I kind of need some new jeans.
Oh, we can go shopping then.
Yeah, cool.
How did it go? Yeah.
They gonna be cool?
Did you punish them or whatever?
I tried my best, but
there's nothing I can do.
What do you mean?
Ah. You'll know.
When they're two
years old, you can
get them to do
almost anything you want.
Get a little bit older, and
it's harder to control them.
I do not understand
a word she says.
But it was good to see her.
- The house is so quiet without her.
- Oh...
I'm fine.
Beautiful child.
Can I hold her?
No, no, no. That's okay.
That's great.
Is that a dildo
dressed as a princess?
Nope. That is a popular children's
cartoon character of today.
Thank you for trying.
- Hey, meanies!
- Hi!
You called my parents?
Yes, we did call your parents.
Yes. We did.
We actually did.
Oh, really?
It's 30 days!
It's just 30 days!
It's 30 days! Then
we won't be escrow!
Then we'll be out of your hair!
It's 30 fucking days.
It's all we're asking for.
It's on.
No, no, no.
Nothing's on.
Why would it be on?
No, it's on. But we're
turning it off.
If we turned it on, we can turn it off.
Can we just turn it off?
It's on.
Hey, Mac!
Hey, Mac!
Great! I see more
of you have moved in.
This is private property.
You're trespassing.
Hey, Mac.
Looks like Beth needs some
suntan lotion on her.
I think she's okay.
Leave me alone.
You're not going.
Where am I?
Oh, no.
I killed a girl!
I'm on painkillers,
Kappa Nu!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Get away! Go away!
Get out of here, you animals!
This isn't working!
You're only making them sexier!
I don't like it!
I don't like it!
What the hell was that?
Was that a bird?
What the hell is that?
Oh, no!
Oh, God! Tampons!
Oh, that's filthy!
Stop it, you animals!
Get off! Stop it!
Oh, my God! Mac!
The other window is open!
That was really funny!
Where'd you guys get
so much fake blood?
Oh, from our vaginas.
That was real?
Yeah, it was our uterine
wall sloughing off.
You just threw...
That was really gross.
Ugh. Why'd
you do that?
That was way over the line.
Whoa. That's,
like, super sexist.
It was really fucking funny.
You would've been like,
"It's so funny,"
if it was a bag of dicks-
"Look, it's a bag of
dicks on the window!"
No, that...
A bag of dicks.
Yeah, you got me.
That's funny.
A bag of dicks.
Here's the deal.
First inspection, tomorrow.
We need help-We have
to get rid of the girls
tomorrow, from the house,
between 10:00 and 5:00.
If our home owners see these
girls, our escrowment's gonna end.
And these girls are fucked, man.
They're from
another fucking planet.
Yeah. They're
worse than the guys.
Look. Brainstorming
sesh starting now.
Guys, a play on a classic.
We "hoes before bros" them.
No, no, no.
No. That's not gonna work. Why?
Because you put hoes before bros.
Always. Yeah.
It worked with the guys. Why
won't it work with the girls?
Because girls are
much smarter than guys!
That is sexist!
- That's not sexist.
- What is it?
Not when it's against guys.
That's not sexist.
I don't even know what's sexist.
Hey, men's rights.
No, fuck you!
Are you okay?
Why are you itching?
What's wrong with you?
Did you get poison
oak or something?
Here's the deal.
We got bedbugs.
- No! Gross!
- Oh, my God!
I'm sorry. I come
to this restaurant.
I don't wanna be embarrassed.
That's even worse!
Don't embarrass us!
It's gross!
Hey, it's fine, okay? We're
dealing with the problem.
We tented our house. We have
to be out for three days.
This is such a good idea.
These clothes have so many bedbugs.
Just shut up, we just
gotta infest them fast!
Here's some more pledges.
They're bedbugs!
These are my best pants!
I don't care about
your fucking pants.
All I care about is bedbugs.
Get it in. Hurry.
It's so hot in here. Can't
see in this fucking thing.
That sheet has so many bedbugs.
I feel them!
I can feel them! Get it off!
Oh, my God!
Hello, hello!
We're entering!
Put on your clothes!
Great! Good to
see you guys!
Good to see you again.
Welcome back!
The place looks great.
I brought my boyfriend by.
Just kidding. It's the mold
inspector, the old mold king.
You don't think there's
actually mold here, do you?
We kind of smelled a little something
weird when we were here before.
Just wanted to
Why not, right?
That's why we're here.
What's going on
over there, by the way?
New tenants?
Yes, a new family
moved in next door
and they're just doing
a little fumigating.
Very nice, quiet, lovely family.
Family, huh?
It must be pretty big. That place
is huge, like eight bedrooms.
It is.
It is.
This is a very religious family.
They're Jewish,
and they're lovely.
Yeah, why did you
just do... You know?
Anyway, they're lovely.
I think there they
are now, actually.
- Look! It's our Jewish neighbours.
- Oh, hello-
Proof they actually exist.
And she's pregnant.
Got another
little Jew in the oven.
Why don't we start
the mold inspection?
Come into your house.
Come on in.
Come into your home.
Why don't we start in your kitchen?
This place is weird.
Uh, Teddy, where are
you gonna be staying?
Uh, right now?
I'm helping a bunch of
girls build a sorority.
They're moving
into our old house,
so I'll probably
just move in with them.
It's a big step forward for me.
That's super weird.
It's actually not weird.
It's actually super normal.
Whatever makes you happy, right?
Darren, can you
back the fuck off?
Whoa, whoa,
Teddy! Relax!
I finally found somewhere
that I'm good at,
where I'm valued!
You want to criticize that?
What I was saying is that
it's just a little weird
for a grown man to be helping
a bunch of girls
make a sorority.
Doesn't that sound crazy to you?
No... Did you know that sororities
don't have the right to party?
You know, there's no
legal right to party.
Yes, there is a legal
right to party...
Garf! Back me up, Garf.
Man, just leave me out of it.
Look, I'm your best friend.
I'm just trying to be honest.
Oh, yeah?
Well, took you long enough.
What's that supposed to mean?
You didn't tell me
your biggest secret
through all of college, man!
Where is this even
coming from right now?
You told Garf first!
He was bi-curious
most of sophomore year.
He was the logical
person to tell!
Sometimes you gotta suck a dick
to realize you
don't like sucking dick.
You're just mad
because you're fucking lost.
The rest of us,
we've moved forward.
Garf's a cop, Scoonie's
got his own business,
I'm getting married.
And you're moving
into a fucking sorority.
You know what?
Those sisters are better brothers
to me than you ever were.
You're not my brother.
Don't say shit
you can't take back.
Bros before hoes.
Don't call them hoes.
That's not cool anymore.
All right, ladies,
we gotta talk finances.
Okay, it's really serious.
The fumigation took
so much of our money
that we're down to
two money buckets.
And I don't know what
we're gonna do about it.
Okay. What if we use our
Minions to make us money?
Oh, no. Their plates are
full cleaning the house.
Doesn't your brother sell weed
on some farm outside of town?
Yeah, I did say that.
My brother, Daffodil.
Why don't we spend all of our
bucket money on Daffodil's weed
and sell it at
the tailgate this weekend?
Holy shit!
Fuck, yeah!
We can make it
rain on them hoes!
I love that idea!
We can make T-shirts
with glitter glue.
Kappa Nu.
- It's not a good idea.
- I like it.
It won't make enough money.
Excuse me?
Everyone at the tailgate's
gonna be selling weed.
I got it.
We're gonna corner
the market on weed
by ratting out every other
drug dealer in town.
That way Kappa Nu
is the only group selling
weed at the tailgate.
Fuck yes!
F you guys!
That shit's brilliant!
Guys, guys...
Guys, this is really risky.
- We gonna sell...
- Weed!
- We gonna smoke...
- Weed!
What we gonna sell?
God damn it! God damn it!
God damn it!
You're acting like children.
You need to listen to me.
I've been down this road.
I know what I'm doing.
And I have some wisdom- And I feel
like I'm protecting you guys.
Am I right?
Teddy. We just voted and we've
decided it's best for you if you go.
Just now.
With our phones.
What? No.
No, you can't do this to me!
I thought we were sisters.
We were supposed to be a team.
Why is this happening?
You can't do this to me!
I quit my job!
Well, we didn't
tell you to do that.
I liquidated my 401 K for this.
What's a 401 K?
I don't know, now!
Look, I'm so happy
that you helped us
get to this place that we're in.
You really let us spread our
wings and fly as women.
This is all I have!
I thought we were
in this together.
You're not like us, dude.
You're an old person.
No, you're right.
I've been playing
for the wrong team.
I'll be seeing you around.
I wasn't, like, too
harsh on him, was I?
No, no. You were fine.
You were great. You were good.
It's fine.
Well, now that Daddy's gone,
time to get feisty.
Hello? 9-1-1?
I need to report
three different addresses
that are currently
selling marijuana.
Yes, ganja.
Get on the fucking ground!
Put it in your mouth!
Yeah, you like it, don't you?
Watkins, what are
you doing, man?
This is your training day!
What's training day?
This is your training day!
Get down!
You're not in
the Academy anymore, private.
Oh, sorry.
Oh. You guys gotta come
to the precinct with us.
You ride in the car.
We got bottled water.
We'll stop at P.F. Chang's,
Chipotle, whatever you need.
Passing that mold
inspection was a miracle!
Praise be.
Yeah. No shit.
If they drive past here and
they see the girls, it's over.
The worst part of
this whole fucking thing,
I'm so stressed out,
all I want to do
is chill out and smoke a joint,
and my dealer doesn't have any weed.
He's fucking dry!
Good luck finding any.
- Jesus Christ, man!
- Whoa!
How the fuck did
you get in here?
None of that matters right now.
I want to help you guys stop that
sorority before it gets too late.
That's right.
I'm switching sides.
Nice! That's awesome! Cool!
FYI, Kelly, I'm still down.
Stop it.
Okay. I know
you're not gonna fuck.
It still hurts my feelings.
He's just having a joke.
Kappa Nu has cornered
the market on weed.
Oh, no!
Oh, God.
Oh, yes!
Until Monday, they are
the only purveyors
of weed in the greater
Ardendale area.
Holy shit! Do you think they'll
sell me some? Oh, my God-
They have seven pounds of weed.
They can sell it for $50
a gram if they want to.
That's over $1,000 an ounce,
$16,000 a pound.
All said and done, if they move
it all, that's over $112,000.
We should do this.
You're incredible at math.
Nah, I suck at math.
I'm good at weed.
It's the same thing.
No, this is weed.
Just pretend it's seven
pounds of meat, just try it.
Why would I even be buying meat?
I don't know.
You're hungry.
Are you talking burgers?
How much does a gram
of steak go for?
I don't know. Why would I
be selling grams of steak?
Fair enough.
Their plan is to sell
the weed at the tailgate.
And believe me,
that's enough for them
to stay in the house
through your escrow.
What do we do?
If we steal their weed, they
won't be able to pay the rent.
All of the members
that they've recruited
will have to rush
other sororities,
and that will be that.
What's in this for you, bro?
Honestly, I just
want to be valued.
Well, it begs the question.
How the fuck are we supposed to beat them?
There's 15 of them!
No, they have 15 individuals.
They're not a cohesive unit.
They don't understand the most
important rule of sisterhood.
There's no "I" in sorority.
Yeah, there is.
There's two actually.
Actually, there's just one.
No, that's a "Y."
No, in the middle.
That's an
Two "I"s, straddling the "Y".
There's a "U" in there that
you guys are all missing.
Sorriroi-tity? KELLY:
That's how you spell it.
You think the "tity" is silent?
Look, we're all getting
sidetracked right now!
Guys, bottom line is
we need to figure out a way
to infiltrate that tailgate.
Tailgate! Tailgate!
High pie!
Yes, you.
Come on! Pot pie!
Weed for women!
It's only 20 bucks!
Kappa Nu weed.
It's charity weed.
High pie.
Come on!
It's just $20 a slice!
Come get your pie!
Pot pie, guys!
First off, you look
fucking horrifying.
What? It's a clown, man.
People love clowns.
Jesus fucking Christ!
Stop doing that!
Don't do that again.
Okay? I will give birth.
Guys, listen!
Here's the plan.
I'm gonna get up on stage
and I'm gonna dance,
distracting the girls
just long enough for Mac
to run around
and steal the weed.
Kelly, Paula, I need you
both to drive getaway.
I can't have you running around
here 'cause you're pregnant.
Wait, just you dancing is enough
to distract the entire sorority?
I don't know about that.
That'll work.
It usually works.
I don't even know
where we are right now.
I'm ready.
All right.
Oh, shit! Fuck!
What's wrong?
Damn it.
No! I don't have
the baby oil.
What's the big deal?
No, it's the most
important thing!
With baby oil, you get,
like, two extra lines here.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
God damn it-
All right, let's go!
Ooh, that's hot!
Oh, that's really hot!
Ow! It burns!
Rub that shit in.
All right, rub it in.
Rub it in.
Oh, my God!
God bless you, kid.
What the fuck are you doing?
We're in a rush, Mac.
Come on, Mac. Get his thighs.
Yo, what's up!
Clear the stage,
clear the stage!
I got something to say.
This song right here goes out
to my girls in Kappa Nu.
I know we've been going through
some rough times lately.
But I love you.
DJ, let's shake that booty.
You got this, right, Beth?
Yes, I got this.
I'm right here.
No! He showed dick!
Oh, no!
The weed!
Oh, shit!
It's all gone!
Oh, my God! It's all gone!
It's all gone!
Chester the fucking
Cheetah took our weed!
Get the fucking bag of weed!
Get the weed!
God, I hate clowns!
Get out of the way!
Get another exit.
Find the exit!
I'm blocked!
I'll get another car!
Go! Go!
Oh, No!
Move, move, move!
Get out of the way!
I got your weed!
Which one is it?
Where's the weed?
Give me the fucking weed!
Who's laughing now, clown?
Who's laughing now?
Ow! Stop!
It's garbage!
It's not weed!
Oh, fuck!
The weed! The weed!
Go for it!
Oh, shit!
Okay, wait! Mac,
you can do this.
Oh, fuck!
On your right!
Take it!
I'm All-State track
and field, bitch!
Come on!
Come on!
On, shit!
Here she comes!
Free weed! Take it! Free weed!
Weed for everyone!
Free weed!
Free weed!
That's all our weed!
How are we gonna pay rent?
You're really turning me on
with your muscles right now.
Two pounds coming!
You look...
Are you in pain?
They're just a little heavy.
Yeah. Yeah.
I love you! Shit!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, fuck!
- This is a fucking shame, but
it's also pretty fun. - WhOO...
Thank you, dude.
Dude, those girls
were out of control!
No, those girls were out of
control until we controlled them.
You really controlled them.
You have to remind yourself that
any situation is
actually controllable
because parents are smart and kids,
by comparison, are fucking stupid.
You have it figured out.
You can't do anything
until you know the answer
to one simple question.
"Who is Teddy Sanders?"
It's a very important
question to ask yourself.
Before I got anywhere
in life, I asked myself,
"Who is Mac Radner?"
And I said, "Who are
you, Kelly Dhundee?"
Your maiden name's Dundee?
No, it's got an Dhundee.
Like Crocodile Dundee?
It's "Dhundee." It's a
different name altogether.
I know it's a different name,
but it's just a coincidence.
Crocodile Dundee.
It's nothing like it!
No. Nothing like that.
But anyway, that's what you need to know.
Who is Teddy Sanders?
Buddy, what are you doing today?
Yeah, what's your...
What your overall
game plan here?
Just in life.
I'll probably play
some games on my phone,
and walk around for a little
bit until I tire myself out,
then go to sleep in my car.
So sad.
Um, do you wanna
maybe crash here?
Really, I won't
take up too much room?
You could sleep
in Stella's room.
She takes up this much space.
Thank you, guys-
No, thank you.
It means a lot to me.
I can see that. It's
not that big a deal.
No, it is a big deal.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Do you have any more of these?
Yes, there's heaps in the kitchen.
Help yourself.
Are they baby food?
- Babies eat good food.
- Yeah.
This is awesome.
Go get them.
That's cute.
Look at him.
He inhaled so much weed smoke
he tuckered himself out.
All right.
Guys, we lost our nest egg.
We lost all of our weed
and our rent is due.
What are we supposed to do?
Beth, what happened?
I thought you were the one
stopping the old people
from getting the weed.
No! Do not blame me!
You saw what was
happening up there.
I am a human woman.
I had to watch that.
I was on the whipped cream.
You were on the...
We watch things together...
She was in charge of the weed.
You were in charge of the weed.
No, no! Stop it!
Stop it, don't you
see what's happening?
This is what the old
people want us to do.
They wanna tear us apart.
They know that if we're a
united front, we can't lose.
Because we are sisters.
And for the first
time in my life,
I feel like I belong right now.
This is so much better than I
ever thought college could be.
This is the most fun I've ever
had and I went to space camp.
I haven't slept in,
like, a week.
I just don't want to
miss out on anything.
You guys are so much fun.
We're never gonna
lose each other.
I mean, what do you call a
house full of united women?
A brothel.
No, man.
A sorority.
Okay. This is the problem.
We're never gonna
solve our money issues
when we're in this
war with the old people.
What can we do? We're
gonna give the old people
a taste of their own
medicine. All right?
They tried to tear us apart.
So, what are we gonna do?
We're gonna tear them apart!
I mean, unless you guys think
that's too intense of a plan.
Shelby, they would never say you
were too intense if you were a man.
Yeah, own that shit, queen. Yeah.
Let's do this,
team! Yeah!
Ah. What do
we think of that?
"Oh, my prince, come for me!
"Come for me."
"No, I won't.
I'm not coming for you."
Yellow stars.
What color for
her dress? Mmm?
What is the water doing?
It's boiling.
Pretty cool, huh?
What we do now,
we're gonna add
the eggs to it. Okay?
You put eggs in the water?
Yeah. Watch.
- Did you hear that?
- Ah!
It's hot!
Oh, dude, don't fucking touch it!
I told you it's hot!
Oh, my gosh! I thought
it was like Jacuzzi hot.
- No, it's boiling hot!
- Oh.
Now, we add the eggs, and
we hard-boil them, okay?
Don't put the eggs in there.
It's gonna melt them.
No, it hard-boils them.
It makes them hard.
Why would it make eggs hard?
What do you mean, "Why
would it make eggs hard?"
It makes pasta soft-.
That's a good point.
She looks fantastic.
Look at this.
I think this is
a gorgeous color.
- Oh, I love coloring in.
- I love it!
She's quite overdressed
really, isn't she?
She's just in a garden
somewhere in a ball gown.
Do you see people sometimes
that I don't see?
You can tell me.
Honey, I'm home!
I've always wanted to say that.
It's fun.
I say it all the time.
"Dear Mac, I know
everything seemed good between us,
"but I've been lying to you and myself.
I'm freaking out. From Kelly."
What's she talking about?
That's gotta be a joke.
She must be fucking with me.
Yeah, she's joking around.
That is so fucked up.
You bad, girl!
Oh, yeah. It's on!
I'm gonna call her.
Definitely call her.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck. He's calling.
Hang up, hang up.
Decline, decline-
What's going on right now?
- It's okay!
- Hang it up!
Just stay chill. Every/thing's fine.
What should I do right now?
Where did she go?
I know exactly where she went.
Mac, I've been up all night!
I'm worried sick!
Please just text me
something. I'm worried.
Fucking Jimmy.
Let's go, I'm hungry!
Trying to get this tweet out.
How do you spell Trump?
Hey, what's up, Kel?
Where is he?
Where's who?
You're lying to me!
You're a fucking terrible actor!
Tell me where he is!
Uh, I don't know.
He told me that you'd pretend
you didn't know where he was.
Tell me where he is!
Ow, no.
Hey, Kel!
Where is Mac? Mac is missing,
and Jimmy knows where he is.
Fucking tell her
where the fuck he is!
I was with you last night.
I don't know.
I know you're protecting
some stupid bro code.
Just tell me where he is.
Bro code?
No, there's no bro code.
He likes you more than me.
He tells me that every day.
You're fucking lying to me, Jimmy!
Tell me where he is!
I'm not lying.
Excuse me. Why is
there so much language...
This is an emergency!
My husband Mac has vanished, and
this man knows where he is!
Well, tell her!
Tell me!
Tell her!
Fucking tell her!
Whoa! Oh!
You don't have to do that.
Tell me!
He's in jail for child porn!
What? No! I'm lying! I
don't know where he is!
No, no, no!
Call him on the phone now!
Call him!
You deserved that, Jimmy.
Hold on! Hold on!
Call him!
Here, here.
Fuck it!
It broke the skin.
Why do you have Jimmy's phone?
Where are you?
Are you around here? Are
you hiding somewhere?
Where are you?
I'm in your office!
I've been looking for you.
I went where you
told me to meet you!
Where are you?
In Sydney, Australia!
Outside the Opera House!
You're in Australia?
Yeah, I just got off a plane. I've
been on a plane for 18 hours!
What's happening?
We've been hacked!
"Kappa Nu fooled you."
Kappa Nu?
Prank war!
Airbags, airbags!
Airbags! This is not a drill!
All butts up!
All butts up! Go!
I might do the bridge walk
and then I'm gonna come home.
It's a barely used refrigerator.
"Old people shit?"
"Kappa Nu
steals from you."
They robbed us?
This is so fucked!
We should call the police!
We can't call the police!
We stole their weed.
We're in too deep!
You know what? Girls
are worse than guys!
I'm just gonna say it!
I know that's not
feminist, but fuck that!
At least they didn't
take Stella's toys.
Oh, don't give me that!
I've been awake for four days.
I'm so tired!
It's 3:00 a.m.
where I am in Australia!
We are so fucked!
We're in a drug
war with teenagers.
We don't have any furniture.
We're gonna go bankrupt.
We made so many bad choices
throughout this process.
We're about to have two girls!
Two kids!
That's completely irresponsible of us.
We can't take care of one-
I know I'm not a good parent.
Oh, fuck that.
I'm the bad parent.
Now, shut it down.
No. You don't get this one!
I'm the bad parent!
I'm the bad parent.
Last week, I found her
chewing on a nugget of weed.
I don't know how long she
had it in her mouth for.
Was it the Indica or Sativa?
It was Indica! She slept
for, like, nine hours after.
I'm the bad parent.
When she was six months old,
I dropped her on her head.
So did I.
One time, I went to Taco
Bell, I left her at home.
I forgot she existed.
She almost died over a Gordita.
I'm such a bad parent.
Well, maybe we're
both bad parents!
Oh, no.
It's Wendy, the realtor.
My clients are
backing out of escrow.
We drove by the house
yesterday and saw Kappa Nu.
How do you know
the name of the sorority?
I went to college,
too, you know.
Omega Theta.
Let's roll out!
Why the hell is he here?
I thought you were my clients.
We hired him because you
just forgot to mention
the sorority that lives next to
our new house, so that's why.
Okay. Well, congratulations
because you hired a joke.
Oh, shove it, Wendy.
Oh, shove it right
back at ya, Oliver!
Why don't you shove it?
Shove it right back at ya!
We fucked once.
Not applicable.
I just feel like
we're escrowing apart
and we should be
escrowing together.
Exactly, guys. Can we just
escrow together for a minute?
And the truth is,
they're lovely girls.
Lovely girls. Super nice girls.
We promise you.
I don't think that they are
because we literally saw
them robbing your house.
Well, thanks for
fucking stopping them!
You just stood there while
they robbed our house?
It wasn't like that.
You didn't tell us
about the sorority!
Is there anything we can do?
We're desperate!
Yeah, you can magically make the
sorority that lives next door to you
disappear by tomorrow.
Is it real?
No! Maybe it's just the old
people messing with us.
No. It's a real eviction notice.
I called the landlord-
Okay, maybe the landlord
was just one of
the old people pretending
to be the landlord.
No. We're actually
being evicted, okay?
We have no money to pay for it,
because we spent all of
our money on the weed.
So now we need
five buckets of money
otherwise, we're gonna
get kicked out tomorrow.
We're gonna lose the house.
We're gonna lose the house?
We're gonna lose our sisters, 'cause
we're gonna be put in separate dorms.
Then we're gonna
have no friends anymore,
and it's gonna be just like
high school all over again.
What are we gonna do? I mean,
how do frats make money?
They throw parties and
they charge for them.
But no one's gonna pay money
to come to our parties.
Yeah, it's not like a frat
bro is gonna walk up and be like,
"Ooh, you look good
in your normal clothes."
"I love your sweater!"
Girls, I have an idea.
You're not going
to like it though.
We have to throw a party.
No. When we throw
parties we lose money.
No, not one of our
really fun parties
that we actually
have a good time at.
I mean it's, like, empowering.
We have to throw a really
shitty frat brother party.
One where the frat
brothers like it so much,
they actually pay us to come to.
And then they really
like it so much, they tell
all their other
douchy frat brother friends
and they all pay us, too.
Like the one we
met each other at?
The other option here
is losing the house,
and if we lose the house
we lose Kappa Nu.
I'm not gonna lose you guys.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Let's go tell the girls.
- Okay.
We don't want to
lose this sorority.
We don't want to
lose our house, okay?
That's why we gotta
dress a little "hotter
than we usually do."
I'm hot!
I fucked the pizza man.
I gave him five stars on Yelp.
You have chips in your hair.
Look at the production
value on this video.
We are totally fucked!
We're gonna be bankrupt!
No, no, no!
Look closer.
They've lost their way.
They've become everything
that they've hated.
- Jesus Christ.
- They're vulnerable.
They're relying fully on this
party to support this house.
He's right.
If we shut down this party,
the sorority will dissolve.
It's time to show
them who's adults,
and spank their little bottoms.
I wanna spank them all.
Let's do what parents
do better than anything,
stop young people
from having fun!
Come on in, guys!
Hey, hope you let yourself
in this party later on.
You're funny.
Call your friends, okay?
Tell them to come.
And bring money!
We shut this motherfucker
down at all costs.
Y'all go in, shut it
down from the inside.
Me and Kelly stay, call the cops
shut it down from the outside.
Inside, outside.
Got it.
Now I'm ready.
Now, I'm ready.
Jesus Christ, man.
What's going on, Kappa Nu?
Bro, it's only 20 bucks. You've
gotta get down here now.
They're gonna get wet
everywhere, I swear to God!
There's so many fucking hot
bitches here, it's ridiculous.
It's like a hot bitch fiesta.
They're, like, all
ripe and ready to pop!
How much money have we made? How
many money buckets do we have?
This punch tastes kind of funny.
We didn't put out any punch.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna start phase two, okay?
Phase two, is we have
to stop the old people
from calling the cops, okay?
If you see any old people
in here, stop them!
I don't like this.
Me neither.
No! Stop drinking that.
Ha! My tongue is numb.
Just blend in.
Yes, blend, blend, blend.
Oh, excusez-moi.
It's a good party. I am
gonna text my friends.
No, it's all a lie.
It's a deception.
They don't think
you're funny, okay?
What? Oh, fuck me!
Oh, you okay?
What's wrong?
I shouldn't have
eaten that McRib.
It's no big deal.
I'm just having the worst cramps in
my life every five, six minutes.
Yeah, I think you're
going into labor.
No, no, no. The baby's
not due till tomorrow.
You're definitely
going into labor.
You need to be timing this.
Oh, it's passed.
I feel great.
I told you,
she's not going into labor.
She's all good, dude.
There she goes.
You should really go after her.
She's the boss of her
own body, all right?
The last night of freedom!
I love you!
I love you, bubba!
We have to get upstairs. That's
where the power source is.
What are you doing?
Don't drink that!
What's wrong?
Come on, dude! Never
drink the punch!
Oh. Whoo!
Let's go.
I saw you with Teddy.
Why were you with Teddy?
We're gonna kill the power
and shut down the party.
I got real fucked
up really quickly just now.
Me, too.
But all I had was the punch.
Shit! We got Cosby'd!
Kappa Nu,
good night to you.
They must have an
alternate power source.
Banana! Banana! Banana!
Must stop you!
Oh, my God. Look how
big my tongue is.
Look how big my tongue is.
Shit! Fuck!
Party's big enough, let's
call the cops. Okay.
Hey, sweet tart!
It's a little hard to call the
cops without a phone, ain't it?
Give us that back!
Drop it!
Whoa. Ah!
What the fuck?
Called a cord, dumbass!
Fucking old people phone!
What the hell?
Where are our phones?
Oh, what, these?
How'd you get those?
Come on.
Yo! I couldn't find
the power source.
Shelby took our phones.
Do you have a phone?
No, I don't have a phone.
Iran out of data.
- I'm in here, guys.
- Garage.
Don't try and find me though.
Oh, you're getting warmer.
Getting warmer.
You're definitely
getting warmer.
Ooh, ooh.
You're getting warmer.
Getting warmer.
I'm not gonna let you out until we're
done raising money, all right?
There's energy
bars in the corner.
There's some water, and there's
a poo bucket if you need it.
You come back here, young lady!
Kelly! Help us!
Come back here!
Come back here right now.
It's locked. She locked it.
Okay. Calm down,
let me think.
All right here's the plan.
We're gonna throw everything
we can at this door.
What are you doing?
I'm pooing!
When I'm nervous I poo!
Look away.
Suck it back up.
We gotta get out of here.
Yo, get out of the way.
Big man!
Come on!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Let's try something else.
I'm fine.
Oh, shit! Mac, you okay?
I'm good.
You broke my bike.
That didn't work.
No! Do you got
another one in you?
I think...
That's it.
That's our way out.
That's way too high up.
No, it's not.
What are you gonna do?
I don't have the keys.
Can you hot-wire it?
We can drive through the wall.
No, I don't know
how to hot-wire.
But I do know
a thing or two about
Set it down really soft.
Now if we do this correctly,
the force from that airbag should
blast us straight through that vent.
Okay. Who's gonna do it?
I'm gonna do it.
Thank God.
I don't think
I could do this-.
You okay, man?
Are we gonna still
hang out after this?
Are you gonna
wanna hang out with me?
And like even though,
like, the war is over,
I wanna, sort of, be of
value, you know, to you?
Prove it.
Prove what?
Hug me.
I'm good.
Give me a hug.
Give me a real hug.
What does that do?
It solidifies the bond, bro.
Bring it in.
I appreciate you man.
Thank you.
This is actually really nice.
Oh, man.
This just feels good.
Yeah, I like that.
Boom! Yeah!
That's it. Powerful.
Power. Yeah!
All right, that's a little much.
Thanks, buddy!
Oh, dude. I like this
broing down shit.
Dude, we are bros, okay?
Let's do this man!
All right.
Okay, before you do this,
maybe just make 100% sure that...
you're all lined up.
Get ready?
One! Two! And three! Two! Three!
Oh, God!
Oh, no!
Are you okay?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm fine. I got this.
No, you don't got this at all.
You for sure have
a concussion, man.
Dude. I'm okay. I
just need 10 minutes.
No! I'm gonna
take it from here.
Be careful.
It's time.
Time to save my family.
Are you okay?
It worked!
Oh, God.
Hey, girls!
Guess what?
I got rid of the old people.
They're trapped in
the garage. We're fine.
What is that?
Boob! Boob! Boob!
This party sucks.
I can't be here anymore.
Guys, guys.
We're good.
Are we though?
Wet T-shirt contest!
No! Stop!
You're all winners.
You're all winners.
Yeah, baby!
I think I'm quitting-.
Yeah, I'm quitting, too.
I'm out.
No! You all can't quit.
We'll figure it out!
Wait! Girls, let's just
talk about this for a second. Okay?
Stop it! Slow down!
Hold up! Stop!
Just stop moving!
Okay? Look...
Oh, God. The party's
even bigger.
What the fuck?
What happened?
I've been roofied,
so if anyone's
ever wanted to have sex with me,
tonight's the night.
The plan is almost done, okay?
I got the old people away.
Everything's fine.
We're Kappa Nu.
This isn't Kappa Nu-This
is not what we set out for.
That's what? That's it?
You're gonna quit?
Oh, come on. Don't blame us.
You ruined this-
I look like Nicki Minaj!
I look like Snooki.
I was the only one trying to save this.
This was all my idea.
You're literally
running away to quit.
Whole fucking thing's imploding.
So we're gonna destroy
their friendship?
No, we're just...
We got escrows, dude.
We tried. We tried our asses off.
This is not gonna work.
The whole system is against us
and that's all there is to it-
All right. I give up.
We live in a sexist world and there
is nothing we can do about it.
I can't believe
this is actually over.
And now I'm gonna
lose all my friends
and it's gonna be just
like I was in high school.
I just wish we had never started
this stupid sorority
in the first place.
I don't like this.
They shouldn't be saying that.
They're just kids.
No, it's over.
No, it's done.
Hey, hey,
hey! Ladies!
Get your shit together!
What's with the meltdown?
You're strong, powerful women and
you're trying to buck the system.
You're just away from home for the
first time and you're scared.
I am scared.
You got this.
You know what the right thing to do is.
You know what's right.
We know the right
decision to make.
We know it.
What's the right
decision to make?
Don't give up on yourselves.
Give us a little more.
You get knocked down,
you get up again.
They're never
gonna keep you down.
Did you just make that up?
Tell them to make
out with each other.
Tell them the house isn't
Kappa Nu, they are.
This house isn't your
sorority, you are!
No, the mom is right.
Why are we doing this right now?
Why don't we just throw
the party we wanna throw
and worry about what's
gonna happen tomorrow?
It doesn't matter
if we lose that.
It matters if we lose this.
- You guys.
- I'm so happy.
Sisters' hug!
I wanna see
them kiss so fucking bad.
All right, let's kick all
these douchebags out of our house-
Good speech, sweetie!
Thanks, baby.
Where did that come from?
We have a daughter, baby.
What happens with
our escrows now?
I don't know, but I think it's
the best possible outcome.
Jimmy! Jimmy!
Where are you?
Oh, fuck! Paula.
Guys, I think I was wrong.
It's not the McRib.
Oh, my God! No!
Oh, God!
It's got my foot!
It's a breech! It's a breech!
Go to the hospital!
I love you.
I love you!
Are we gonna lose our house?
I mean we have no money, so we're
definitely losing it. Yeah.
Well, we better blow it out!
Guys, this party is
amazing. You did it.
The first sorority that can party.
We'd all love to join.
Who's "we"?
Uh, drop your dues in the
bucket if you wanna join.
Do we have to wear hoodies?
I mean, no offense to you guys,
but I like to dress pretty.
No, dude. You can totally
wear whatever you want.
Welcome to Kappa Nu.
Welcome, you guys!
Oh, my God!
Come in.
Money in the bucket. Just
some money in the bucket.
Yeah, just throw it
in the bucket.
Hey, Pete.
Pete, wake up, man.
Dude, what the fuck?
What are you doing?
Just calm down.
Just listen.
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry.
When you two got engaged,
I was in a bad place
and I thought I was
losing my best friend.
Then I realized I'm
never gonna lose you
because we're brothers.
For life.
I'm not losing a best friend,
I'm gaining a best
friend's husband.
Hey, hey, hey! It's okay.
It's all right.
Teddy and I are just making up.
Um, can I ask you something?
Yeah, man.
Would you maybe
wanna be my best man?
Holy shit. Really?
Yes, I'll be your
best man, dude.
I love you.
Love you, dude.
You, too!
- Come over here.
- Get over here!
I have two brothers now.
I see your shitty
be-yourself party
is even more popular than
your fucking sell-out party.
So, that's fantastic.
Actually, it's really
good for you
because we are prepared to give
back to you for helping us
with your escrowdom.
We've made a shit ton of money,
eight buckets,
actually, full of money,
and we have way too
many people wanting
to join our sorority
than we have room for.
Yeah, we can actually afford
to fill two houses now-
Can we rent your
house for overflow?
- Yeah.
- Just an idea.
We are prepared to offer you four
buckets of money per month in rent.
Five. We'll do it
for five buckets.
Per month. Five
buckets per month.
Five buckets it is.
Fuck, yes!
Eat shit! We win!
Give us more!
You can do this every month?
When can we move in?
Right now! Who cares?
Give us the money! Yes!
We're gonna be landlords!
How hard could it be?
Fuck it.
Fuck you!
Thank you!
Overflow party!
Oh, man.
I'm gonna miss this place.
Our first house.
When Stella was a little baby.
That's where she
took her first steps.
That's where she
said her first word.
Those are the little notches
when she was growing taller.
You see your little notches?
Remember those, Stels?
It's all going by so fast, huh?
Yeah, it's crazy.
Let's go.
Come this way?
It's our new house!
You can't even
see the neighbours.
You know what? I think
we are good parents.
I mean, we parented Teddy.
We parented 30
crazy sorority girls.
Well, we're trying.
Because that's all
you can do, right?
I think so.
The truth is, it doesn't
even matter if we're
good parents or not,
because one day,
our daughters are
going to look at us
just like those
sorority girls do.
They're not gonna want
anything to do with us.
They're not gonna
wanna talk to us.
It breaks my heart.
Are you scared?
I'm scared.
Come on, sweetie.
Come on, sweetie.
Hey, cheeky girl!
Hey, sweetie.
How are you?
Do you wanna go to sleep?
Do you want to go to sleep?
Not yet.
Not yet? You wanna just hang
out for a little bit more?
Can you play
You'll always be really
nice to us, won't you?
You'll always be our
best friend, right?
We'll always have things
to talk about, right?
Hey, sweetie!
Hey, sweetie!
I'm not sad.
No, I'm fine.
I love you, sweetie.
Love you.
How do you feel'? Good?
The nerves are kicking
in a little bit.
Well, you look great.
You all right? You
seem really nervous.
I'm having a little
bit of a meltdown.
Just remember, man,
Darren loves you more than
anyone in the entire world-
Darren cherishes his
friendship with you.
Darren can't imagine
his life without you.
And Darren is proud
to call you his best friend.
You're not talking
about Darren, are you?
No, not really.
Let's get you
married though, huh?
All right, everybody.
Look alive, look alive!
We have Groom One and he is ready
to walk along with his best man.
You ready for us?
I'm proud of you, man.
You found your niche.
This just seemed like
a logical conclusion.
Gay wedding planning.
It's a great job, and you can
do it with a criminal record-
My only skill is
planning parties.
And, for some reason, gay guys
specifically, they just respond to me.
It's because you're a great guy.
Thanks, man.
And they probably wanna
fuck the shit out of you.
Hey, I didn't say it.
You did.
Delta Psi.
Delta Psi.
Let's get you married, okay?
Yes. Let's do it.
And we are walking.
Hey, guys, we're
home with baby Mildred!
Welcome home!
How's it going?
How was the birth?
It's over now.
Did you shit on the table?
Me neither.
So much shit.
Aw. You got a present for
your new little sister?
Baby's first dildo.
Thank you, Stella.
Oh, my God. You guys
are just like us.
Go on, show them.
This is
Jimmy Jr.'s favorite.
We kind of have a "no veins
rule" with our vibrators.
Maybe get one without a
ball sack attached to it.
Put that away.
Put it away.
Are you ready to meet
Look at her.
Look at this.
Families are meeting.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.
Hi, Jimmy Jr.
I'm Mildred."
"Hi, Mildred.
One day, we are going to fuck!"
that's never going to happen
"because my parents are gonna
teach me to respect myself
"and stay away
from guys like you."
I could do this all day.
I could, too.
We're gonna go. We're gonna
get out of your hair.
Thank you for watching Stella.
Thank you, guys.
Oh, my God. Anytime.
Bye. She's beautiful.
Thanks, you guys.
Thanks, guys.
We did it.
We did it.
We had another kid.
We got another one.
I love you.
I love you.
Stella, you wanna
kiss your sister? Hey.