Neil Stryker and The Tyrant of Time (2017) Movie Script
I'm here to retrieve
the hornet device.
Hand it over quietly...
And you boys will live
to powder your boss' wig
in the morning.
Very amusing...
...but quite ill advised.
For you see this facility
is crawling with my men...
And you...
You are quite far
from the hornet device.
I see.
Well, my mistake.
Uh, good luck with
the whole Genesis thing...
See you later.
Neil stryker...
...your days are numbered.
Make it quick boys!
Don't be a afraid,
gentlemen!
He's just a boy!
Yah! Yah! Ah!
Let go of him,
he's getting married next week.
Yah! Yah! Yah!
She's just a girl, stryker...
Having problems?
Ah!
As agile as ever.
But you're as dangerous
as you are stupid!
My dear boy...
...have you forgot you
foolhardy days at school
when I'd spank your bare bottom?
Neil stryker...
...you've always been the fly
in my ointment.
I've waited a long time
for this.
I'm really going to enjoy--
stryker, come in!
What's up, chief?
Status report.
Mission accomplished.
Hornet device secure.
Remember, we're taking
the commodore alive!
Now, when you save alive...
Turn the lights on, please.
Uh, sure.
Says here that when they
brought him in
he was wearing some sort
of protective eyewear.
Maybe...
Could we have
his protective eyewear, please?
Ok, yeah.
Gentlemen...
You must accept my most Sincere
apology for my behavior.
It's my eyes.
They're extremely sensitive
to the light.
Allow me
to express my gratitude.
Imagine yourself, oh,
years from now,
looking back at a life
of precious memories
which you'll surely Cherish for
another ten or twenty more.
But then you stop and realize
that these memories
don't exist yet.
Life is one thing
and one thing only.
That being the very moment
that stands before you now.
Each passing second delivering
your fate to your front door
like a steam engine
traveling faster and faster
until the counting seconds
have reached their end.
Are they dead?
Once again...
...your cunning proves priceless
my lord.
Now, just hold still
and we'll get you out of here.
Uh... now, darrel,
I trust you've taken care
of those things?
Oh, yes.
I've replaced the video feed
with a recording of you
at your last years' evaluation.
There's no need to fret,
your grace.
This assessment is going
as well as the last.
How we doin'?
My lord, we are synchronized...
Perfectly.
All we need do is wait.
And... it's... Christmas.
After you.
Danke schoen!
Hi.
Keep it moving, ladies.
Your grace please...
It'll be just a moment.
Evening, Carl.
Hey, darrel.
Listen, I'm just gonna
play it straight with you, Carl,
because you know what?
You're my kind of guy.
I need to get prisoner 113
into this transport evac
immediately.
Otherwise the higher-ups are
really going to have my hide.
Well, you can have it but...
Nurse is back there cleaning up
a little accident.
You know how ladies can be
on a long trip.
So, uh..
What's up with the suit?
Oh, this little guy?
Well...
Afterwards I gotta...
Head to a funeral.
Funeral? Whose funeral?
Yours.
I see you've decided to join us.
Are you ready to behave?
Or do I have to
bash you one again?
Well good.
I'm sorry, your name?
Sharon.
Sharon,
you're in terrible danger.
We're terrible people,
we're awful people.
Fear us. You should fear us.
Fear us!
Frightened.
Be frightened of us.
To the back of the ship please.
The back.
Get out of my sight.
I don't want to see ya.
Alright, darrel.
Conduct us
to the new hidden fortress.
Coordinates have
been calculated.
We are on our way.
What is our next
course of action?
Kill...
Neil...
Stryker!
Hey, stryker. How ya doin'?
How, uh, how are things goin'
on your little suspension there?
Probably getting a little
restless, I suppose.
Well, um...
Listen, that leads me
to my next uh...
Problemo.
I'm listening.
The mad scientist has escaped
from the mt. Ward asylum.
I thought you told me
there was no way
that could ever happen.
Right. Right. I did.
Yeah. I did.
Listen.
There was somebody
working on the inside.
What could I do, ok?
Take a look at this guy.
Darrel freeway.
His parents must have hated him.
Yeah, he looks like the type
of scum that would team up
with the mad scientist.
He just killed three men
and he took
a woman nurse hostage.
Ok?
You're the only one that can
save the day on this one.
What do you say?
Bullshit.
- No! Stryker,
don't do this to me!
- I'll get back to ya.
Your son is failing
the kindergarten.
Did you look at his grades?
No, Barb. I did not
look at his grades.
No shit, ya fuckin' loser!
'Cause you were fucking off
up on the roof
doing nothin' important!
I'm stapling in
the holiday lights, Barbara.
That's about as important
as it gets.
No wonder our son
is a goddamn failure.
He takes after an old bastard
who can't keep his job
and spends his time
fuckin' on the roof!
Listen, Shelly
I'm going to need you to watch
the kid for a little while.
Nah, she can't.
She's dead.
What do you mean
"my stereo is broken"?
Are you sure
it's even plugged in?
Look, I'll be by in half-an-hour
to drop him off, ok?
Good.
This is supposed to be...
Right there.
- Hey there, cowboy.
- Uh-huh?
You ready to go
to your aunt's house?
No, no. Our house.
That's fine.
We'll go in a minute.
Take your time.
Your mother tells me your not
doing very well in school.
Shouldn't you be doing
your homework right now?
No.
How do you expect
to get good grades without
doing your homework?
Homework bites, daddy.
Well, that's true.
Homework definitely
bites the big one.
Daddy?
Yeah, kid?
When's mommy coming back?
Your mother's dead, kid.
I killed her.
I'm just kidding.
But she is dead.
Sir.
Thank you.
Hey, Jack.
- Yes, sir?
What are these anomalies
I'm seeing here?
Unknown, sir.
We've been analyzing it
all morning.
It's funny.
I'm not getting any of that
on my tracker.
Your what, sir?
Never mind.
I'm going gonna make
a pit stop
before I go see Fred.
Jack,
keep your eye on the board.
Hold the lift, buddy.
Thanks.
Any time.
Checking out the uniform, huh?
That's right.
Just got promoted to assassin.
- Great.
I bet you wish you could
have one of these.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, all it takes is four years
of hard work and training.
You'll be on your way.
Well, all that's
very impressive.
See you on the field, champ.
Ladies' locker room.
Ouch!
There's a fire in the building,
we all have to evacuate.
What? I didn't hear
any fire alarm!
You're right. There is no fire.
Cool vagina.
Hey, I thought
you were suspended.
Not any more, babe.
So...
What's the big job then?
Must be pretty important...
If they cut
your suspension short.
Must be.
Can I go?
No. The man I'm going after
is too dangerous.
But I'm trained.
You're the one who trained me.
You're not ready.
This job is not
for first-timers.
Don't give me that look.
This job is personal.
Do you understand that?
Look, let me
make you understand.
Before I became an agent,
i used to work
with a brilliant scientist.
One day...
...he went completely mad.
Stryker,
you gotta come see this!
I've done it, stryker!
I've finally done it!
Your time portal.
So, how does it work?
Well, the portal itself
is currently
ripping through time and space
as we speak.
And I use this to summon
or beckon it, if you will.
So the machine is in
a constant state of time travel.
Not bad.
- Yes, Neil.
And it completely solves
all the stability issues
i was having before.
And that's exactly why
we failed with the time pod.
That fucking thing.
See?
Let me show you how this works.
Now. I am
setting the coordinates
to send me precisely
20 seconds
into the future.
Which will expel me
right back here
to this very spot.
Now, Neil, stand back...
And behold...
The absolute dazzlement...
The unadulterated majesty
of time travel.
Ha ha!
You know, twenty seconds is
a lot longer than you think...
When you're
just standing there...
...doin' nothin'...
...like a jerk.
With this new technology...
He possibilities are endless.
He was never
the same after that.
He would stay up
for days devising plans
of world domination
and unspeakable evil.
...operation omega
I know exactly what I'm saying
I've got the perfect plan:
I will go back in time
to every December the 24th...
And I will steal
Santa claus' bag of toys.
And they'll all be mine, leaving
nothing left for the children.
I will be the absolute ruler.
The most certain
king of Christmas.
And to top it all off...
I will breed with Mrs. claus.
I can't let that happen.
Mark my words, stryker...
Revenge!
I'll never forget
the look on his face...
The sound of his voice.
He's out there, Veronica.
The only chance this world has
is is if I find him
before he finds me.
What are you girls doing?!
This is classified information!
Get the hell out of here!
You're still not going with me.
With the mad scientist at large
the entire world as we
know it today is in peril.
I mean... we're fucked!
It's true.
But you are forgetting
one thing, Fred.
Snack machine is broken?
Me.
You broke the snack machine!
I didn't touch
the fucking snack machine!
Let me make you understand.
After the scientist
built the time portal,
I was able to get
my hands on the schematics.
I followed them carefully
and built a time portal tracker
so that I could track any time
the scientist made a time-jump.
You know what I love
about the French, stryker?
The hats.
You look like Napoleon.
I know, right?
He gave me the entire getup
for a pair of
invisibility boots.
Now you listen.
You can't give
ancient civilizations
advanced technology like that.
You're going to fuck up
the entire course of history.
What's the matter with you?
I think-i think I know
what I'm doing here, stryker.
If you just take a step back
and ask yourself
what you're asking me
because I know what I'm doing.
I'm a genius. Okay?
Don't fuck with me.
What do you take me for,
stryker?
I invented time travel.
Of course
i know the repercussions
of altering history.
I was the one who--
it was times like these
I knew having the ability
to track
the scientist's time-jumps
would be vital.
But chasing him through time
could be
a catastrophic nightmare.
We have to stop him
before that can happen.
His thirst for revenge
is the only reason
he hasn't already
made a time-jump.
And it's the only
leverage we have.
Where are you hiding?
It didn't take long
to find you, stryker,
and now you're mine.
There's no escape, stryker!
Darrel, prepare
to launch missiles.
Your grace, I must protest.
Those laser beams
did overheat our drives.
We do not want
to blow a fuse by--
get the fuck out of my way!
I'll fucking do it.
Whoa! Darrel!
Your grace, he's still alive.
Of course he is, darrel!
He's always still alive!
But not for long.
Let's see how
he likes a little
visit from one of
our blimp probes.
Stryker, what are you up to?
Darrel...
...take over.
Stryker!
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, no!
Don't you dare
blow up my blimp,
stryker, don't you dare!
Oh, god! My nose!
Don't mind if I do!
Darrel, get to the
fucking escape pod!
Is there something wrong,
my lord?
Yeah, I just got kicked
in the fucking face.
Now get the fuck in there!
Push the fucking button, darrel!
Come on!
Come on!
I'll get you
for this, stryker!
Incoming call
elite forces.
Hey, stryker.
What are you doing?
Following a hunch.
Do we know where
the mad scientist is hiding?
No.
But I think I might
know who does.
That's fucking great.
His twin brother.
He's a recluse.
He lives in Ireland.
I haven't seen him in years.
So I'll have to be
ready for anything.
Tell you what I, uh,
I'll make you a deal.
I will share with you
the location of my
brother's hidden fortress if...
You pose for my next sculpture.
Nude.
That's it. That's all you want?
No.
Agh!
Well, I tell you this much.
Compromise.
I love you in your uniform.
I mean, I like the way
you look in your uniform.
Uh...
Fine.
And if you pull out before
I'm done,
I'm going to get into
my little cruiser ship
and fucking laser blast you.
So, how long is
this going to take?
Oh, no time at all, Neil.
For this one I'm
thinking action.
Hm? Your kicking a bad guy.
Okay, I like it.
Uh. Oh, shit!
There's another bad guy
comin' right at ya!
Kick 'em both.
Uh. Okay, they're startin' to
move on either side of ya.
Kick 'em wider.
Okay, I'm gonna need
you to go a little wider.
Okay, baby, I'm going to
need you to go a little wider.
Okay.
Now.
A little wider.
Now Bob,
we've talked about this.
This isn't gonna go down.
I know how you want it,
Bob, and...
I just don't do that shit.
Okay, okay, fine, god!
Tell ya what...
Why don't you just, um,
whip out your pistol?
Your gun.
Hold your gun.
So what do you want me to do?
Well, I want you
to be Neil stryker.
I want you to, uh, turn me on.
Try this one.
I can't imagine seeing
a more sexy sight...
Ever.
Ever. So you just stay put.
Through the tides of time...
...only a few men have
shaped history.
And tonight,
two men will do it.
What was once soft...
...will soon be hard.
Wait 'til I tell...
Welcome, Neil stryker.
Coffee.
Nuclear weapon armed.
Detonation in 30 seconds.
Detonation in 20 seconds.
Nuclear weapon armed.
Depositing weapon
in carriage.
Nuclear weapon armed.
- Shit.
- Five, four...
- Open the fucking door!
- ...Three, two, one.
Goodbye.
I've gotta get that fixed.
Welcome, captain stryker.
One new message.
You fucking nuked me.
Incoming call.
Commander Fred.
Stryker, what the fuck
are you doin, okay?
We gotta get goin' here.
The last thing I want
is for mad scientist
to anticipate our next move.
Now listen,
I've assembled a team for you
and they're waiting right now.
Fred, you make me sick.
Why?
Listen, if you wanna cut
payroll just lay the guys off.
We wanna give you
all the help we can.
If you need them, fine.
If you don't need them,
i don't give a fudge
what you do with 'em.
As long as you
don't get caught.
Good.
Because if I had to spend
all my time babysitting
a bunch of assholes...
Beretta.
...i might not accomplish
a damn thing.
Okay, perfect.
So, everybody's waiting for you
in sector seven.
And please, stryker,
go easy on the guys, would ya?
It's the least I could do
considering these guys
probably won't survive.
Cartridge empty.
I assume there's
a mission report
you'll want me to read?
No mission report on this one.
Off the books, baby.
Technically,
you're on suspension.
Okay, so...
Stay out of the admiral's way,
because if you get caught
it's your ass...
...and mine.
I'll be careful.
What I need
from you right now...
...is a cup of coffee.
Not that crap
out of the vending machine.
The good coffee like captain
Gomez keeps in his office
under lock and key.
It's a secure office.
You're going
to have to sneak in.
- I can do that.
- Good.
Half a teaspoon
of unfiltered honey.
Stirred left. No cream.
Hop to it!
Yes, sir!
Oh, man!
Johnson!
- Yes, sir?
- Come here.
- Yes, sir!
Stand here like an idiot.
That's an order.
Yes, sir!
Stryker!
Just what do you th--
admiral...
Sir!
It is an honor.
Clean out your desk.
You're fired.
Hold it, soldier.
Lose the glasses
you look like an idiot.
Man, fuck you.
Ham-sandwich-eatin'
mother fucker.
So, your telling me
some madman
is responsible for
causing all this havoc?
I'm telling you
a mad scientist and his Minion
just laid waste to the city.
Worse than this.
He is like lovechild
of Stalin and Hitler.
Yeah, and it can
get messy in there.
There's wolves, mines,
booby traps, barbed wire.
You might want
to cut that hair.
I can help you with that.
I could probably use a trim
good afternoon, gentlemen.
I'm going to get
straight to the point.
This is a suicide mission.
If it were up to me,
you boys wouldn't even be here.
But it's not.
The admiral knows
nothing about it.
We have no support
from headquarters.
Once we leave,
communication is severed
and we're on our own.
Back out now.
It's your last chance.
Lieutenant.
You heard the captain,
rank and file.
Last one to stryker's ship
is a rusty trombone.
Wait.
What's a rusty trombone?
You know,
when you're eating a guys' ass
and you're jerking
him off at the same time?
No. No, fucking way.
I'm outta here.
Wait!
What is rusty trombone?
So you managed
to weasel your way
on the mission, after all.
You must have
a thing for dying.
Maybe so...
But at least I'm not
a rusty trombone!
Uh, rook to king three.
That's checkmate.
At last, you've arrived.
Shall we be off, then?
I don't know how,
but you cheated.
Yes, he's cheating.
Rook cannot move in this way.
Yes it can.
Pretty slow, Veronica.
Forget rusty trombone,
you just made rusty orchestra.
Boys, prepare to take off.
You, I need a co-pilot.
Get up front.
Try not to crash it.
Keep an eye on her, would you?
Yes, sir.
What is this?
The time had come for this
lion cub to shed his mane.
Plus, I think there
might be some barbed wire.
Continue.
Captain.
We are approaching destination.
Alright.
Give us some room to breathe.
Set us down right over there.
Yes, sir.
Hey.
Forgettin' somethin'?
It's time to gather the flock.
Thank the almighty.
Remember... there ain't no
atheists in the foxhole.
Hold my hand.
- What?
J.C., the big guy,
the lamb of god,
you know he died
for our sins on the cross.
Hold my hand.
Let go my hand!
The only sin was not
using that timber for firewood.
No fall in line, asshole.
You two!
Cut that shit.
Go.
You stepped on my
toe back there, but it's cool.
Ring the bell.
Just as I suspect.
No one home.
It is in complete abandon.
We must not abort mission.
We have lost battle, sir.
But not war.
Did you try the door knob?
It is not possible.
Idiot.
The only thing missing
here is Santa claus.
Santa!
Santa!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Merry Christmas,
my darlings!
Who's been naughty?
Who's been nice?
Me! Me Santa! Me!
Well, which is it?
Nice! Nice!
Ha ha!
Just what I thought.
Brenner stop!
It's a trap.
- Trap?
Nonsense.
It's not a trap...
It's retail.
No way.
We have all sizes.
Darrel! Don't do that!
Where the hell
did you come from?
Well, he's got the shirts, guys.
Stryker, you remember
operation omega.
Well, it went Nova, okay?
Supernova!
I went back in time,
last year's Christmas Eve
and burgled every
Christmas present on the planet
and replaced it with...
This t-shirt.
Long story short,
I'm backed ordered for weeks.
Whoa! They're huge!
How do you think i
bankrolled this whole fortress?
Seriously, I hardly have time
for new designs.
Check out this new model.
Also very popular.
I'll take one of those.
Anyway, stryker, the point is...
Clark, the prisoner.
I'm on to something here.
What do you say?
Partners?
Hey.
Come on!
Come on!
Hey.
One second.
Grab hold.
Come on! Come on!
You're making a big mistake.
You built another time portal.
Looks like you made it
to the north pole.
That's right. I did.
And to top it all off...
I murdered Mrs. claus.
Waste him.
Ah!
Ah!
Hold it!
Wait! No!
Uh.
You got me, stryker.
You got me.
It looks like...
Losers!
Hologram.
Obviously.
Little disappointed
in you, stryker.
Apparently taking you assholes
down is going to be...
...easier than I thought.
Let the games begin.
Oh! Yes, that's right!
I too am a hologram.
No sense wasting
your bullets on me.
I'm not even here.
Where's that blasted key!
Shit!
Hold your fire.
Captain!
Who was that handsome man?
Clark, don't get distracted.
Captain, it's completely
hollow behind this fireplace.
Huh.
I wonder.
All right. Everybody in.
Hey!
Take off those goddamn t-shirts.
So, how many missions
you been on with this guy?
Who? The captain?
- Yeah.
- Plenty, why?
- No reason.
Looks like I'm going to have to
smash through these boards.
Unless captain has a
crowbar in his pants.
Do you?
Have a crowbar in your pants?
I can't feel my legs!
This must be the disintegrator
I ordered to obliterate stryker.
Disinte-what?
My god. It's enormous!
The only thing
you'll be obliterating
with this thing is my wallet!
I mean look at
the size of this thing!
How much was it?
What are you trying to do?
Bury stryker or bankrupt me?
What about my
exploding pumpkins, Darrell?
I wanted exploding pumpkins
littering the entire castle.
I look around me,
and I don't even see a squash.
Your little parlor tricks
aren't going to stop stryker.
And I suppose you
have a better idea.
Um...
Suffocate him.
I don't know.
Suck all the oxygen
out of the room or something.
Would you leave
the thinking to us, please?
Thank you.
It's brilliant.
Mark my words...
I will destroy Neil stryker.
I'll boil him in a
bowl of his own broth.
I like it.
You know what?
You're fine. Just a little dust.
Yeah, well see that?
Splinter.
Hold it.
Force field.
Not quite.
Sir, I'm getting
strange reading.
Let me guess, tachyon?
Yes, sir. Off the charts.
So's my shirt.
No way!
Yeah. Shh!
We're going to have
to try and go through.
Fuckin' kidding me?
We'll get vaporized if
we step through that thing!
Vaporized?
That would be a blessing.
There's no telling what
goes on beyond the barrier.
Our skin turns inside out.
Our organs fall to the
ground into a slime-pool.
It's a paradox. The unknown.
Forget that!
I don't want to
be no frickin' slime-pool.
I'm not saying we're
going to be a slime-pool.
I'm not saying we're
going to be anything.
It's the unknown. It...
Fine. I'll go myself.
Captain.
Permission to go
ahead of you, sir.
Permission granted.
Bravery.
Show it to us.
I will.
Clark!
Captain!
Is it always
gonna be this way?
I'm fine. I can live this way.
But those jowls.
I have a theory.
This effect is only temporary.
When we come out the other end,
we'll be back to normal.
I really don't think
there's anything to worry about.
Why don't you stroll on back,
find out for sure?
So it's not just aging us.
It's more than that.
That's right, Kevin.
An authentic look
into your own future.
Interested?
With this youth comes strength.
But with age comes wisdom.
And with my bloodline
comes both.
Step aside.
The future sucks
for that mother fucker.
Oh! Ho! Goddamn.
Look. It's like he's been
dead for twenty years.
I say we leave him.
No.
Stand back, longbow.
Let me try something.
What the fuck!
I feel... weird.
I'm suppose to be over there.
And that's where I'm going.
No! No! No! No!
Now, Kevin,
we've seen what happens.
You can't come with us.
Why not?
The future sucks
for that mother--
so, what now, stryker?
I'm stuck?
Sir, I may be able
to create mobile ray shield
that will protecting him.
Alright, fine.
Just make it quick,
tell you what.
I'll give him five minutes.
Otherwise I'm walking
out the way I came in.
Captain.
So, with this thing
i can go through?
Theoretically, yes.
Are you sure?
Maybe.
Do you believe in god?
No.
All right.
In the back.
Kevin, he lives.
Whatever.
Whoa! Wolfman.
Is that mustache regulation?
Clark.
In the land of the blind,
the one-eyed man is king.
And nabroski...
Whoa.
Wow! Clearly the barrier
effect everyone the same way.
Look at nabroski!
He's like a little old man.
What are you, like, a hundred?
Oh, my god!
Okay, here we go.
I don't think that's nabroski.
What are you talking about?
Of course it's him.
Look same eyes. Same teeth.
Same growl.
Sorry, comrades.
On my way.
What?
When you got to go.
You got to go.
Holy shit, nabroski.
You look...
Amazing.
What is this little monster
cradling in your arms?
What is this thing?!
Whoa!
Get it off me!
Get it off me! Get it off me!
What goes on here?
Oh! Man folk!
Oh!
You humans are
forbidden in these lands.
This will never do.
Hershel! Come here!
Right away, sir.
Okay, um, stryker is over there.
Stryker you say?
Oh, the white wizard
is not going to like that!
No! No! No!
No!
Call the horde to arms.
Prepare to make them suffer.
Make them pay.
Do as your told, hershel!
As you say. Very good.
Could they be, wampires?
There not fucking vampires.
Goblins.
Hope to it, lads!
One, two, three, four.
What are we fighting for?
Dinner, and supper, and lunch!
They're gonna
regret coming in here!
Just look at them!
The muppets.
We goblins do not
tolerate trespasses against us.
Do we, boys?
You've committed
a grave treason, I'm afraid,
a violation of our lands, and
offended the great sovereignty
of our people.
For that...
...you will die.
You may kill them now,
my darlings.
My gun won't cock.
Your weapons have
aged to no effect.
You'll have to fight honorably.
Damn.
It's finally happening!
You!
Why? Why? Why?
Ah, no!
Whoa!
Wha!
Aah!
Ah! Holy shit!
Fucking goblins!
Right on top of ya!
Goblins!
Hold him down, boys!
It's lunchtime.
Plug him up!
Mushroom nap. Forever.
It's time to sleep,
my dear boy.
Let's blow.
Brenner!
Alarm! Alarm!
Do I have to take
care of everything?
Alarm! Alarm!
Move out!
Harold!
- Huh?!
- Yoo hoo!
What are you doin' here?
Well, I didn't want
to miss all the fun.
Margaret, we're in
the middle of a war!
And you bring the baby.
You two have a headache?
Believe me, the pain
is only in your head.
That there
baby's done us no good.
Except get fat off our slop
and your drink!
Hey, let me
get out of here! Whoa!
Like the wind!
I'm pregnant again.
I'm having twins this time.
Twins.
Oh!
Hey!
This suit, it's like
a fucking bug zapper!
Toss 'em my way, idiots!
I've got these two
who's got that one?
Kevin humphries.
With the candlestick.
In the ballroom.
Make it rain.
Whoa!
Whaa!
Whoa!
Oh!
I'm invincible.
No! Not my babies! No!
My darlings!
Too the hills!
Inconceivable!
Carlton!
- I got just the thing.
- He was my favorite child.
Right.
Just going to go...
Check on the roast.
Ya!
Don't worry!
They'll take me
back to the nest!
I'll find the hive
and then I'll...
Whoa!
Yeah!
A hatch!
I'm going to send you
back to your momma's wagina!
Nabroski, I found a way out.
It's a hatch.
We gotta get
the hell out of here.
Stryker, I will not go with you.
Hand me that wodka.
I had vodka?
What kind of madness
would create such monsters?
Stryker, I want you to climb
that tree and save that female.
Right.
Forget about me.
- Yeah.
- I may not make it.
But...
I'm going to take
some of these...
...monsters...
...with me!
Ah!
Ah ha! Stryker!
You're precisely
where I want you.
What gives?
Where's the penguin?
There's suppose to be
a ten-foot, killer penguin
in there.
Darrell's been
moving stuff around again.
No matter.
I still have the prisoner woman.
Or should I say...
Prisoner women?
Stryker, I don't have all day.
I'm wasting away in here!
Stryker, those women are
scheduled for termination...
Within the hour.
This is a big place.
You've got two choices.
You could capture me
or you could save the women.
Don't have time to do both.
You know where
neither of us are...
Go.
Uh, taxi!
Stryker!
Are you having fun
in my funhouse?
Honestly, stryker,
putting the door
on the floor like that?
Brilliant.
It took Darrell weeks...
Of starvation
to figure that one out.
Alright, asshole.
Where are the girls?
You could kill me
right now, Neil.
You could shoot
me in the face.
But then,
you would never
find the women.
At this present moment,
you have no have no idea
where the devil they are.
Or when they are?
Or when they are.
What a mystery.
For all you know
i took my time machine,
strapped them in...
And blasted them
back to dinosaur times!
They're here somewhere.
And in this time.
And I'm going to find them.
Business, business, business!
Stryker, you're so wound up.
Relax!
Here, let me draw
you a bubble bath.
Come on.
Take a dip with me, Neil!
Take a dip with ol' poppa bear.
It'll be like old times.
The old
acid in the bathtub routine.
You're too good, Neil.
A little too good
for your own good, perhaps.
Oh, hey, stryker you know what?
You have got to try these.
It's a cosmo.
My brother swears by 'em.
Here.
Go ahead!
Take it!
They're delicious.
They're scrumptious.
What?!
Are you kidding me?!
Poison a perfectly good cosmo?
Not in my lifetime.
Give me this. I want to at once.
Mmh. Mmh..
So good, Neil.
So good.
Mmh. Yours is better than mine!
I've let this drag on
far too long.
Just tell me
where the fuck they are.
Alright, stryker.
Alright.
I'm tired and I'm old.
If you want the women...
Simply turn around
and you shall find them.
Deactivate.
Halt.
Stop.
Is this all they do, Darrell?
Yes, but...
They do work.
Well, I'm embarrassed.
Is anyone else embarrassed?
Anyone else embarrassed
about the bumping robits?
Darrell!
How are you feeling?
You ask the impossible.
I need real men!
Men?!
Yes, an army, your grace.
Very skilled in soldiery.
No, Darrell!
Enough of your schemes.
You see, I am the one
with the smart.
I beseech you, your grace.
I've created a nine year plan.
Which will enable us...
Nine years?!
We don't have nine minutes!
Yes, but if we were too...
No Darrell, no more.
You see, Darrell,
I've got real plans
with real results in store.
Do what you will, Darrell.
Goodbye.
Meet me in the break room
in 20 minutes for donuts!
You underestimate me,
your grace.
But you will soon
know different.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes!
Did I catch you at a bad time?
Neil stryker!
What are you doing here?
Darrell freeway.
So, you're the
mad scientist's new stooge.
And your his old flame.
Well...
You've breathed
your last breath, stryker.
You're in trouble now...
Double trouble.
Consider yourself warned,
Mr. stryker.
I'm a wizard of the blade.
It wasn't me.
It was the scientist.
He's mad.
I'll take you to the girls.
They're right this way.
Come!
What the f--
blasted machine.
How many times have I had to--
oh, no!
Not the face!
Stryker! You do care about me.
Get the fuck out of the way.
Get back to the ship. Hurry.
Now, stryker,
I've got you in a bind!
I'd just like to see
you peel your way out!
Your room, stryker,
is completely airtight.
At this very moment all
the oxygen is being sucked out!
In two minutes time, you'll be
completely without air.
In three minutes...
You'll be dead.
Aah!
And now, Neil stryker,
this is where I say...
...au revoir.
Thanks, boys!
Yeah.
Stryker!
Thank god you're alive.
Go!
Now how are we
gonna get out of here?
I've got room for two!
Strykie, you're riding bitch,
baby!
Good timing, Fred.
Too good?
Thanks for coming for me.
No trouble.
Listen, I know I should
have been more careful.
I was stupid.
Ah, come on, kid.
You were brave.
Really?
Uh... okay. That's it.
We're done.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, okay.
Let go!
Sorry.
My paperwork.
Did it work?
Are you staring
at a pile of goo?
I planted a bomb in her body
while she was sleeping.
Do you want to know
where I inserted it?
Not interested.
I put it in her ear.
What do you want?
I just wanted
to make your life miserable
before I jumped
through time and space.
I still have the woman
that you failed to rescue.
I plan to breed with her
and create a race of
atomic super men and women.
If she'll have me, of course.
If she won't, hey, I'll adopt.
I've always wanted a baby boy.
Oh, wait a minute...
I've got one right here!
Daddy!
See you in hell ,asshole!
This damn war!
It doesn't take just soldiers.
It takes friends.
Can I have you clean this up?
Hey, what happened?
Veronica exploded.
Listen, the mad scientist
is about to jump through time.
And he has my son.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
He'll be gone in moments.
Finished!
Not quite.
Stryker, Neil.
One, one, three, five, eight.
It's the time portal.
Damn.
Just what I need.
Beverly!
- Yes, Neil?
Quit the small talk.
I need you to monitor this
like your life depends on it.
Because it does.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait!
What are you doin', strykes?
I need to save my kid.
We'll deal with
the mad scientist later
be back in a minute.
Good luck, strykes.
Now he's gone too far.
Daddy!
Come and get me, stryker!
Schnell! Schnell!
Oh! Ho! Ho!
Du.
- Nein?
- Nein!
- Nein?!
- Fuck this.
You Nazi bitch.
Such a waste.
Alright kid, just follow me--
oh!
Stryker!
Whatever happened to your
little rule about not
altering the entire
course of history!
I mean, you must have murdered
half the third reich down there!
Holocaust?
More like holo-lost in time,
thanks to you!
Give me back my kid!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Your son?
Why I've got bad news for ya,
stryker.
The boy loves me.
As if I were his own kin.
He and I have formed a paternal
bond that cannot be broken.
You're far too late, stryker.
You see, the boy...
Wishes for me to raise him...
...as my very own.
Save me
from the crazy man, daddy!
What?! You little traitor!
You said you loved me!
You little shit!
Are you okay?
Daddy, where's mommy?
She's still dead, kid.
Come on,
let's get this crap off you.
We gotta get outta here.
What did I tell you, kid?
Safe and sound.
Yay!
Take my kid.
Keep him safe.
Continue time-tracking
the mad scientist.
He could be anywhere.
Sir, there's something
on the monitor.
Bring it up.
Yeah.
October 12th, 1999, 12:01am.
Right here.
Ah! You got the boy back.
Excellent. I gotta get rollers
on my fucking luggage.
This is for shit, stryker!
I didn't bring a passport.
And I know you're
going to yell at me.
But who needs a passport when
the end of the world is coming?
Fred, you're not coming with me.
No. No.
Talk me down off this cliff.
Talk me off it, stryker,
or I will fucking jump.
Talk me off this cliff, stryker!
Stryker!
You're on suspension.
I want this man arrested.
Wait!
This guy is saving
the entire world,
and you want
him arrested?
Let him finish.
You can have my resignation
in the morning.
Fine!
But we do it my way.
Stryker, you kill the scientist,
I'll save the girl.
- No.
- Fine!
I'll kill the girl,
you save the scientist.
No one is going with me.
I'm going alone.
Fine!
But when all this is over...
I'm back on suspension.
You bet your ass you are.
You, throw me my bag.
Yes, sir!
Go get 'im, strykes!
Oh, god.
Where are we now
we don't have time
for you foolish questions.
We gotta haul ass out of here.
Now get the fuck in the truck.
Jesus.
Alright, Darrell.
Your plan better work.
Alright, the keys
are suppose to be...
Hm.
Wait a minute.
The hell?
Looking for these?
Your grace...
I am honored
that you would finally
warm to my little plan.
There's one thing
i forgot to mention.
There's just no place in it...
For you.
I've had nine years
to plan my escape...
You have exactly
nine seconds for yours.
Perhaps now your grace
will agree...
...that in fact...
...i am the one with the smart.
I'm afraid...
...you're going to die...
Impossible!
You're fucked.
Get out of the truck!
I've got a few more tricks
up my rabbit hole.
Shut your fat, overweight shit.
Let her go.
Not this time, stryker.
You're too late.
You see, I set my time-portal
to send us so far into time...
...that you'll never find us.
And now, stryker, a game of
chess that will span the ages.
I'll make the first move.
I'll see you in hell,
Neil stryker!
Ha! Ha!
Ha!
Ah!
What the bloody devil
do you suppose that was?
It's a clue!
Come, Watson.
To the lighthouse!
Move! Move, you fool!
Ah!
Whoa.
Bravo, stryker.
You win.
But you are
forgetting one thing...
My ghost is gonna
haunt the shit out of you.
I'm not kidding, stryker.
Seriously, it's gonna be weird.
For no reason at all,
just a beak...
Will grow from my face.
And I'll huff...
And I'll puff...
And I'll blow...
Damn, that was disturbing.
Yeah, no shit.
What ever happened
with dying with dignity?
Yeah.
He was plum fuck crazy,
wasn't he?
Well, least it's over.
Right.
Now, wait a second.
Isn't this the part
where the hero kisses the girl?
This ain't lover's Lane,
sweetheart.
We're up to our eyeballs
in dead guy.
You're a nurse,
you've wiped asses.
Clean this shit up
before some kid
comes around and plays in it.
You ready?
Warning. Rift anomaly.
Warning. Unknown origin.
That's just a mile up the road.
Strange.
Ah!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my god!
My hero!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, this is disgusting.
- Oh, thank you!
What in god's name
happened to you?
Peel this woman off me!
Yes, sir.
Eh!
Where's stryker?!
Throw her back.
No! No! No! No!
He's coming.
He's right behind me.
It worked.
He's all yours.
Well done.
I love you!
Yes.
You do.
You son of a bitch.
Through your wildest dreams...
...you could never imagine...
...what lies in wait for you.
Did you really think you'd be
able to could keep it a secret?
While you were tracking him,
I was tracking you.
Chasing that buffoon, you
left more ripples through time
than a stone in a pond.
So, you can track
a time-portal, can you?
Then perhaps you'll follow
this through the looking glass,
little Alice.
Well, pops,
you always said
you'd see you me hell.
I'm looking forward to it.
Come, stryker.
Take a bite of the cheese
in a mousetrap more elaborate,
than the world has ever known.
Smells like...
...liverwurst.
Hey, nabroski!
Toss me a bite, man, seriously,
I'm starving over here.
That's funny.
You're quite the comedian.
We gotta comedian over here!
You dick!
Thanks for tossing my
bones on the other side, idiot!
Least I can leave,
you're weird for stayin'.
You got no hope!
You got no water!
You got no light!
Except for this little ray
of sunshine right here!
When you've got to go...
...you've got to go.
the hornet device.
Hand it over quietly...
And you boys will live
to powder your boss' wig
in the morning.
Very amusing...
...but quite ill advised.
For you see this facility
is crawling with my men...
And you...
You are quite far
from the hornet device.
I see.
Well, my mistake.
Uh, good luck with
the whole Genesis thing...
See you later.
Neil stryker...
...your days are numbered.
Make it quick boys!
Don't be a afraid,
gentlemen!
He's just a boy!
Yah! Yah! Ah!
Let go of him,
he's getting married next week.
Yah! Yah! Yah!
She's just a girl, stryker...
Having problems?
Ah!
As agile as ever.
But you're as dangerous
as you are stupid!
My dear boy...
...have you forgot you
foolhardy days at school
when I'd spank your bare bottom?
Neil stryker...
...you've always been the fly
in my ointment.
I've waited a long time
for this.
I'm really going to enjoy--
stryker, come in!
What's up, chief?
Status report.
Mission accomplished.
Hornet device secure.
Remember, we're taking
the commodore alive!
Now, when you save alive...
Turn the lights on, please.
Uh, sure.
Says here that when they
brought him in
he was wearing some sort
of protective eyewear.
Maybe...
Could we have
his protective eyewear, please?
Ok, yeah.
Gentlemen...
You must accept my most Sincere
apology for my behavior.
It's my eyes.
They're extremely sensitive
to the light.
Allow me
to express my gratitude.
Imagine yourself, oh,
years from now,
looking back at a life
of precious memories
which you'll surely Cherish for
another ten or twenty more.
But then you stop and realize
that these memories
don't exist yet.
Life is one thing
and one thing only.
That being the very moment
that stands before you now.
Each passing second delivering
your fate to your front door
like a steam engine
traveling faster and faster
until the counting seconds
have reached their end.
Are they dead?
Once again...
...your cunning proves priceless
my lord.
Now, just hold still
and we'll get you out of here.
Uh... now, darrel,
I trust you've taken care
of those things?
Oh, yes.
I've replaced the video feed
with a recording of you
at your last years' evaluation.
There's no need to fret,
your grace.
This assessment is going
as well as the last.
How we doin'?
My lord, we are synchronized...
Perfectly.
All we need do is wait.
And... it's... Christmas.
After you.
Danke schoen!
Hi.
Keep it moving, ladies.
Your grace please...
It'll be just a moment.
Evening, Carl.
Hey, darrel.
Listen, I'm just gonna
play it straight with you, Carl,
because you know what?
You're my kind of guy.
I need to get prisoner 113
into this transport evac
immediately.
Otherwise the higher-ups are
really going to have my hide.
Well, you can have it but...
Nurse is back there cleaning up
a little accident.
You know how ladies can be
on a long trip.
So, uh..
What's up with the suit?
Oh, this little guy?
Well...
Afterwards I gotta...
Head to a funeral.
Funeral? Whose funeral?
Yours.
I see you've decided to join us.
Are you ready to behave?
Or do I have to
bash you one again?
Well good.
I'm sorry, your name?
Sharon.
Sharon,
you're in terrible danger.
We're terrible people,
we're awful people.
Fear us. You should fear us.
Fear us!
Frightened.
Be frightened of us.
To the back of the ship please.
The back.
Get out of my sight.
I don't want to see ya.
Alright, darrel.
Conduct us
to the new hidden fortress.
Coordinates have
been calculated.
We are on our way.
What is our next
course of action?
Kill...
Neil...
Stryker!
Hey, stryker. How ya doin'?
How, uh, how are things goin'
on your little suspension there?
Probably getting a little
restless, I suppose.
Well, um...
Listen, that leads me
to my next uh...
Problemo.
I'm listening.
The mad scientist has escaped
from the mt. Ward asylum.
I thought you told me
there was no way
that could ever happen.
Right. Right. I did.
Yeah. I did.
Listen.
There was somebody
working on the inside.
What could I do, ok?
Take a look at this guy.
Darrel freeway.
His parents must have hated him.
Yeah, he looks like the type
of scum that would team up
with the mad scientist.
He just killed three men
and he took
a woman nurse hostage.
Ok?
You're the only one that can
save the day on this one.
What do you say?
Bullshit.
- No! Stryker,
don't do this to me!
- I'll get back to ya.
Your son is failing
the kindergarten.
Did you look at his grades?
No, Barb. I did not
look at his grades.
No shit, ya fuckin' loser!
'Cause you were fucking off
up on the roof
doing nothin' important!
I'm stapling in
the holiday lights, Barbara.
That's about as important
as it gets.
No wonder our son
is a goddamn failure.
He takes after an old bastard
who can't keep his job
and spends his time
fuckin' on the roof!
Listen, Shelly
I'm going to need you to watch
the kid for a little while.
Nah, she can't.
She's dead.
What do you mean
"my stereo is broken"?
Are you sure
it's even plugged in?
Look, I'll be by in half-an-hour
to drop him off, ok?
Good.
This is supposed to be...
Right there.
- Hey there, cowboy.
- Uh-huh?
You ready to go
to your aunt's house?
No, no. Our house.
That's fine.
We'll go in a minute.
Take your time.
Your mother tells me your not
doing very well in school.
Shouldn't you be doing
your homework right now?
No.
How do you expect
to get good grades without
doing your homework?
Homework bites, daddy.
Well, that's true.
Homework definitely
bites the big one.
Daddy?
Yeah, kid?
When's mommy coming back?
Your mother's dead, kid.
I killed her.
I'm just kidding.
But she is dead.
Sir.
Thank you.
Hey, Jack.
- Yes, sir?
What are these anomalies
I'm seeing here?
Unknown, sir.
We've been analyzing it
all morning.
It's funny.
I'm not getting any of that
on my tracker.
Your what, sir?
Never mind.
I'm going gonna make
a pit stop
before I go see Fred.
Jack,
keep your eye on the board.
Hold the lift, buddy.
Thanks.
Any time.
Checking out the uniform, huh?
That's right.
Just got promoted to assassin.
- Great.
I bet you wish you could
have one of these.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, all it takes is four years
of hard work and training.
You'll be on your way.
Well, all that's
very impressive.
See you on the field, champ.
Ladies' locker room.
Ouch!
There's a fire in the building,
we all have to evacuate.
What? I didn't hear
any fire alarm!
You're right. There is no fire.
Cool vagina.
Hey, I thought
you were suspended.
Not any more, babe.
So...
What's the big job then?
Must be pretty important...
If they cut
your suspension short.
Must be.
Can I go?
No. The man I'm going after
is too dangerous.
But I'm trained.
You're the one who trained me.
You're not ready.
This job is not
for first-timers.
Don't give me that look.
This job is personal.
Do you understand that?
Look, let me
make you understand.
Before I became an agent,
i used to work
with a brilliant scientist.
One day...
...he went completely mad.
Stryker,
you gotta come see this!
I've done it, stryker!
I've finally done it!
Your time portal.
So, how does it work?
Well, the portal itself
is currently
ripping through time and space
as we speak.
And I use this to summon
or beckon it, if you will.
So the machine is in
a constant state of time travel.
Not bad.
- Yes, Neil.
And it completely solves
all the stability issues
i was having before.
And that's exactly why
we failed with the time pod.
That fucking thing.
See?
Let me show you how this works.
Now. I am
setting the coordinates
to send me precisely
20 seconds
into the future.
Which will expel me
right back here
to this very spot.
Now, Neil, stand back...
And behold...
The absolute dazzlement...
The unadulterated majesty
of time travel.
Ha ha!
You know, twenty seconds is
a lot longer than you think...
When you're
just standing there...
...doin' nothin'...
...like a jerk.
With this new technology...
He possibilities are endless.
He was never
the same after that.
He would stay up
for days devising plans
of world domination
and unspeakable evil.
...operation omega
I know exactly what I'm saying
I've got the perfect plan:
I will go back in time
to every December the 24th...
And I will steal
Santa claus' bag of toys.
And they'll all be mine, leaving
nothing left for the children.
I will be the absolute ruler.
The most certain
king of Christmas.
And to top it all off...
I will breed with Mrs. claus.
I can't let that happen.
Mark my words, stryker...
Revenge!
I'll never forget
the look on his face...
The sound of his voice.
He's out there, Veronica.
The only chance this world has
is is if I find him
before he finds me.
What are you girls doing?!
This is classified information!
Get the hell out of here!
You're still not going with me.
With the mad scientist at large
the entire world as we
know it today is in peril.
I mean... we're fucked!
It's true.
But you are forgetting
one thing, Fred.
Snack machine is broken?
Me.
You broke the snack machine!
I didn't touch
the fucking snack machine!
Let me make you understand.
After the scientist
built the time portal,
I was able to get
my hands on the schematics.
I followed them carefully
and built a time portal tracker
so that I could track any time
the scientist made a time-jump.
You know what I love
about the French, stryker?
The hats.
You look like Napoleon.
I know, right?
He gave me the entire getup
for a pair of
invisibility boots.
Now you listen.
You can't give
ancient civilizations
advanced technology like that.
You're going to fuck up
the entire course of history.
What's the matter with you?
I think-i think I know
what I'm doing here, stryker.
If you just take a step back
and ask yourself
what you're asking me
because I know what I'm doing.
I'm a genius. Okay?
Don't fuck with me.
What do you take me for,
stryker?
I invented time travel.
Of course
i know the repercussions
of altering history.
I was the one who--
it was times like these
I knew having the ability
to track
the scientist's time-jumps
would be vital.
But chasing him through time
could be
a catastrophic nightmare.
We have to stop him
before that can happen.
His thirst for revenge
is the only reason
he hasn't already
made a time-jump.
And it's the only
leverage we have.
Where are you hiding?
It didn't take long
to find you, stryker,
and now you're mine.
There's no escape, stryker!
Darrel, prepare
to launch missiles.
Your grace, I must protest.
Those laser beams
did overheat our drives.
We do not want
to blow a fuse by--
get the fuck out of my way!
I'll fucking do it.
Whoa! Darrel!
Your grace, he's still alive.
Of course he is, darrel!
He's always still alive!
But not for long.
Let's see how
he likes a little
visit from one of
our blimp probes.
Stryker, what are you up to?
Darrel...
...take over.
Stryker!
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, no!
Don't you dare
blow up my blimp,
stryker, don't you dare!
Oh, god! My nose!
Don't mind if I do!
Darrel, get to the
fucking escape pod!
Is there something wrong,
my lord?
Yeah, I just got kicked
in the fucking face.
Now get the fuck in there!
Push the fucking button, darrel!
Come on!
Come on!
I'll get you
for this, stryker!
Incoming call
elite forces.
Hey, stryker.
What are you doing?
Following a hunch.
Do we know where
the mad scientist is hiding?
No.
But I think I might
know who does.
That's fucking great.
His twin brother.
He's a recluse.
He lives in Ireland.
I haven't seen him in years.
So I'll have to be
ready for anything.
Tell you what I, uh,
I'll make you a deal.
I will share with you
the location of my
brother's hidden fortress if...
You pose for my next sculpture.
Nude.
That's it. That's all you want?
No.
Agh!
Well, I tell you this much.
Compromise.
I love you in your uniform.
I mean, I like the way
you look in your uniform.
Uh...
Fine.
And if you pull out before
I'm done,
I'm going to get into
my little cruiser ship
and fucking laser blast you.
So, how long is
this going to take?
Oh, no time at all, Neil.
For this one I'm
thinking action.
Hm? Your kicking a bad guy.
Okay, I like it.
Uh. Oh, shit!
There's another bad guy
comin' right at ya!
Kick 'em both.
Uh. Okay, they're startin' to
move on either side of ya.
Kick 'em wider.
Okay, I'm gonna need
you to go a little wider.
Okay, baby, I'm going to
need you to go a little wider.
Okay.
Now.
A little wider.
Now Bob,
we've talked about this.
This isn't gonna go down.
I know how you want it,
Bob, and...
I just don't do that shit.
Okay, okay, fine, god!
Tell ya what...
Why don't you just, um,
whip out your pistol?
Your gun.
Hold your gun.
So what do you want me to do?
Well, I want you
to be Neil stryker.
I want you to, uh, turn me on.
Try this one.
I can't imagine seeing
a more sexy sight...
Ever.
Ever. So you just stay put.
Through the tides of time...
...only a few men have
shaped history.
And tonight,
two men will do it.
What was once soft...
...will soon be hard.
Wait 'til I tell...
Welcome, Neil stryker.
Coffee.
Nuclear weapon armed.
Detonation in 30 seconds.
Detonation in 20 seconds.
Nuclear weapon armed.
Depositing weapon
in carriage.
Nuclear weapon armed.
- Shit.
- Five, four...
- Open the fucking door!
- ...Three, two, one.
Goodbye.
I've gotta get that fixed.
Welcome, captain stryker.
One new message.
You fucking nuked me.
Incoming call.
Commander Fred.
Stryker, what the fuck
are you doin, okay?
We gotta get goin' here.
The last thing I want
is for mad scientist
to anticipate our next move.
Now listen,
I've assembled a team for you
and they're waiting right now.
Fred, you make me sick.
Why?
Listen, if you wanna cut
payroll just lay the guys off.
We wanna give you
all the help we can.
If you need them, fine.
If you don't need them,
i don't give a fudge
what you do with 'em.
As long as you
don't get caught.
Good.
Because if I had to spend
all my time babysitting
a bunch of assholes...
Beretta.
...i might not accomplish
a damn thing.
Okay, perfect.
So, everybody's waiting for you
in sector seven.
And please, stryker,
go easy on the guys, would ya?
It's the least I could do
considering these guys
probably won't survive.
Cartridge empty.
I assume there's
a mission report
you'll want me to read?
No mission report on this one.
Off the books, baby.
Technically,
you're on suspension.
Okay, so...
Stay out of the admiral's way,
because if you get caught
it's your ass...
...and mine.
I'll be careful.
What I need
from you right now...
...is a cup of coffee.
Not that crap
out of the vending machine.
The good coffee like captain
Gomez keeps in his office
under lock and key.
It's a secure office.
You're going
to have to sneak in.
- I can do that.
- Good.
Half a teaspoon
of unfiltered honey.
Stirred left. No cream.
Hop to it!
Yes, sir!
Oh, man!
Johnson!
- Yes, sir?
- Come here.
- Yes, sir!
Stand here like an idiot.
That's an order.
Yes, sir!
Stryker!
Just what do you th--
admiral...
Sir!
It is an honor.
Clean out your desk.
You're fired.
Hold it, soldier.
Lose the glasses
you look like an idiot.
Man, fuck you.
Ham-sandwich-eatin'
mother fucker.
So, your telling me
some madman
is responsible for
causing all this havoc?
I'm telling you
a mad scientist and his Minion
just laid waste to the city.
Worse than this.
He is like lovechild
of Stalin and Hitler.
Yeah, and it can
get messy in there.
There's wolves, mines,
booby traps, barbed wire.
You might want
to cut that hair.
I can help you with that.
I could probably use a trim
good afternoon, gentlemen.
I'm going to get
straight to the point.
This is a suicide mission.
If it were up to me,
you boys wouldn't even be here.
But it's not.
The admiral knows
nothing about it.
We have no support
from headquarters.
Once we leave,
communication is severed
and we're on our own.
Back out now.
It's your last chance.
Lieutenant.
You heard the captain,
rank and file.
Last one to stryker's ship
is a rusty trombone.
Wait.
What's a rusty trombone?
You know,
when you're eating a guys' ass
and you're jerking
him off at the same time?
No. No, fucking way.
I'm outta here.
Wait!
What is rusty trombone?
So you managed
to weasel your way
on the mission, after all.
You must have
a thing for dying.
Maybe so...
But at least I'm not
a rusty trombone!
Uh, rook to king three.
That's checkmate.
At last, you've arrived.
Shall we be off, then?
I don't know how,
but you cheated.
Yes, he's cheating.
Rook cannot move in this way.
Yes it can.
Pretty slow, Veronica.
Forget rusty trombone,
you just made rusty orchestra.
Boys, prepare to take off.
You, I need a co-pilot.
Get up front.
Try not to crash it.
Keep an eye on her, would you?
Yes, sir.
What is this?
The time had come for this
lion cub to shed his mane.
Plus, I think there
might be some barbed wire.
Continue.
Captain.
We are approaching destination.
Alright.
Give us some room to breathe.
Set us down right over there.
Yes, sir.
Hey.
Forgettin' somethin'?
It's time to gather the flock.
Thank the almighty.
Remember... there ain't no
atheists in the foxhole.
Hold my hand.
- What?
J.C., the big guy,
the lamb of god,
you know he died
for our sins on the cross.
Hold my hand.
Let go my hand!
The only sin was not
using that timber for firewood.
No fall in line, asshole.
You two!
Cut that shit.
Go.
You stepped on my
toe back there, but it's cool.
Ring the bell.
Just as I suspect.
No one home.
It is in complete abandon.
We must not abort mission.
We have lost battle, sir.
But not war.
Did you try the door knob?
It is not possible.
Idiot.
The only thing missing
here is Santa claus.
Santa!
Santa!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Merry Christmas,
my darlings!
Who's been naughty?
Who's been nice?
Me! Me Santa! Me!
Well, which is it?
Nice! Nice!
Ha ha!
Just what I thought.
Brenner stop!
It's a trap.
- Trap?
Nonsense.
It's not a trap...
It's retail.
No way.
We have all sizes.
Darrel! Don't do that!
Where the hell
did you come from?
Well, he's got the shirts, guys.
Stryker, you remember
operation omega.
Well, it went Nova, okay?
Supernova!
I went back in time,
last year's Christmas Eve
and burgled every
Christmas present on the planet
and replaced it with...
This t-shirt.
Long story short,
I'm backed ordered for weeks.
Whoa! They're huge!
How do you think i
bankrolled this whole fortress?
Seriously, I hardly have time
for new designs.
Check out this new model.
Also very popular.
I'll take one of those.
Anyway, stryker, the point is...
Clark, the prisoner.
I'm on to something here.
What do you say?
Partners?
Hey.
Come on!
Come on!
Hey.
One second.
Grab hold.
Come on! Come on!
You're making a big mistake.
You built another time portal.
Looks like you made it
to the north pole.
That's right. I did.
And to top it all off...
I murdered Mrs. claus.
Waste him.
Ah!
Ah!
Hold it!
Wait! No!
Uh.
You got me, stryker.
You got me.
It looks like...
Losers!
Hologram.
Obviously.
Little disappointed
in you, stryker.
Apparently taking you assholes
down is going to be...
...easier than I thought.
Let the games begin.
Oh! Yes, that's right!
I too am a hologram.
No sense wasting
your bullets on me.
I'm not even here.
Where's that blasted key!
Shit!
Hold your fire.
Captain!
Who was that handsome man?
Clark, don't get distracted.
Captain, it's completely
hollow behind this fireplace.
Huh.
I wonder.
All right. Everybody in.
Hey!
Take off those goddamn t-shirts.
So, how many missions
you been on with this guy?
Who? The captain?
- Yeah.
- Plenty, why?
- No reason.
Looks like I'm going to have to
smash through these boards.
Unless captain has a
crowbar in his pants.
Do you?
Have a crowbar in your pants?
I can't feel my legs!
This must be the disintegrator
I ordered to obliterate stryker.
Disinte-what?
My god. It's enormous!
The only thing
you'll be obliterating
with this thing is my wallet!
I mean look at
the size of this thing!
How much was it?
What are you trying to do?
Bury stryker or bankrupt me?
What about my
exploding pumpkins, Darrell?
I wanted exploding pumpkins
littering the entire castle.
I look around me,
and I don't even see a squash.
Your little parlor tricks
aren't going to stop stryker.
And I suppose you
have a better idea.
Um...
Suffocate him.
I don't know.
Suck all the oxygen
out of the room or something.
Would you leave
the thinking to us, please?
Thank you.
It's brilliant.
Mark my words...
I will destroy Neil stryker.
I'll boil him in a
bowl of his own broth.
I like it.
You know what?
You're fine. Just a little dust.
Yeah, well see that?
Splinter.
Hold it.
Force field.
Not quite.
Sir, I'm getting
strange reading.
Let me guess, tachyon?
Yes, sir. Off the charts.
So's my shirt.
No way!
Yeah. Shh!
We're going to have
to try and go through.
Fuckin' kidding me?
We'll get vaporized if
we step through that thing!
Vaporized?
That would be a blessing.
There's no telling what
goes on beyond the barrier.
Our skin turns inside out.
Our organs fall to the
ground into a slime-pool.
It's a paradox. The unknown.
Forget that!
I don't want to
be no frickin' slime-pool.
I'm not saying we're
going to be a slime-pool.
I'm not saying we're
going to be anything.
It's the unknown. It...
Fine. I'll go myself.
Captain.
Permission to go
ahead of you, sir.
Permission granted.
Bravery.
Show it to us.
I will.
Clark!
Captain!
Is it always
gonna be this way?
I'm fine. I can live this way.
But those jowls.
I have a theory.
This effect is only temporary.
When we come out the other end,
we'll be back to normal.
I really don't think
there's anything to worry about.
Why don't you stroll on back,
find out for sure?
So it's not just aging us.
It's more than that.
That's right, Kevin.
An authentic look
into your own future.
Interested?
With this youth comes strength.
But with age comes wisdom.
And with my bloodline
comes both.
Step aside.
The future sucks
for that mother fucker.
Oh! Ho! Goddamn.
Look. It's like he's been
dead for twenty years.
I say we leave him.
No.
Stand back, longbow.
Let me try something.
What the fuck!
I feel... weird.
I'm suppose to be over there.
And that's where I'm going.
No! No! No! No!
Now, Kevin,
we've seen what happens.
You can't come with us.
Why not?
The future sucks
for that mother--
so, what now, stryker?
I'm stuck?
Sir, I may be able
to create mobile ray shield
that will protecting him.
Alright, fine.
Just make it quick,
tell you what.
I'll give him five minutes.
Otherwise I'm walking
out the way I came in.
Captain.
So, with this thing
i can go through?
Theoretically, yes.
Are you sure?
Maybe.
Do you believe in god?
No.
All right.
In the back.
Kevin, he lives.
Whatever.
Whoa! Wolfman.
Is that mustache regulation?
Clark.
In the land of the blind,
the one-eyed man is king.
And nabroski...
Whoa.
Wow! Clearly the barrier
effect everyone the same way.
Look at nabroski!
He's like a little old man.
What are you, like, a hundred?
Oh, my god!
Okay, here we go.
I don't think that's nabroski.
What are you talking about?
Of course it's him.
Look same eyes. Same teeth.
Same growl.
Sorry, comrades.
On my way.
What?
When you got to go.
You got to go.
Holy shit, nabroski.
You look...
Amazing.
What is this little monster
cradling in your arms?
What is this thing?!
Whoa!
Get it off me!
Get it off me! Get it off me!
What goes on here?
Oh! Man folk!
Oh!
You humans are
forbidden in these lands.
This will never do.
Hershel! Come here!
Right away, sir.
Okay, um, stryker is over there.
Stryker you say?
Oh, the white wizard
is not going to like that!
No! No! No!
No!
Call the horde to arms.
Prepare to make them suffer.
Make them pay.
Do as your told, hershel!
As you say. Very good.
Could they be, wampires?
There not fucking vampires.
Goblins.
Hope to it, lads!
One, two, three, four.
What are we fighting for?
Dinner, and supper, and lunch!
They're gonna
regret coming in here!
Just look at them!
The muppets.
We goblins do not
tolerate trespasses against us.
Do we, boys?
You've committed
a grave treason, I'm afraid,
a violation of our lands, and
offended the great sovereignty
of our people.
For that...
...you will die.
You may kill them now,
my darlings.
My gun won't cock.
Your weapons have
aged to no effect.
You'll have to fight honorably.
Damn.
It's finally happening!
You!
Why? Why? Why?
Ah, no!
Whoa!
Wha!
Aah!
Ah! Holy shit!
Fucking goblins!
Right on top of ya!
Goblins!
Hold him down, boys!
It's lunchtime.
Plug him up!
Mushroom nap. Forever.
It's time to sleep,
my dear boy.
Let's blow.
Brenner!
Alarm! Alarm!
Do I have to take
care of everything?
Alarm! Alarm!
Move out!
Harold!
- Huh?!
- Yoo hoo!
What are you doin' here?
Well, I didn't want
to miss all the fun.
Margaret, we're in
the middle of a war!
And you bring the baby.
You two have a headache?
Believe me, the pain
is only in your head.
That there
baby's done us no good.
Except get fat off our slop
and your drink!
Hey, let me
get out of here! Whoa!
Like the wind!
I'm pregnant again.
I'm having twins this time.
Twins.
Oh!
Hey!
This suit, it's like
a fucking bug zapper!
Toss 'em my way, idiots!
I've got these two
who's got that one?
Kevin humphries.
With the candlestick.
In the ballroom.
Make it rain.
Whoa!
Whaa!
Whoa!
Oh!
I'm invincible.
No! Not my babies! No!
My darlings!
Too the hills!
Inconceivable!
Carlton!
- I got just the thing.
- He was my favorite child.
Right.
Just going to go...
Check on the roast.
Ya!
Don't worry!
They'll take me
back to the nest!
I'll find the hive
and then I'll...
Whoa!
Yeah!
A hatch!
I'm going to send you
back to your momma's wagina!
Nabroski, I found a way out.
It's a hatch.
We gotta get
the hell out of here.
Stryker, I will not go with you.
Hand me that wodka.
I had vodka?
What kind of madness
would create such monsters?
Stryker, I want you to climb
that tree and save that female.
Right.
Forget about me.
- Yeah.
- I may not make it.
But...
I'm going to take
some of these...
...monsters...
...with me!
Ah!
Ah ha! Stryker!
You're precisely
where I want you.
What gives?
Where's the penguin?
There's suppose to be
a ten-foot, killer penguin
in there.
Darrell's been
moving stuff around again.
No matter.
I still have the prisoner woman.
Or should I say...
Prisoner women?
Stryker, I don't have all day.
I'm wasting away in here!
Stryker, those women are
scheduled for termination...
Within the hour.
This is a big place.
You've got two choices.
You could capture me
or you could save the women.
Don't have time to do both.
You know where
neither of us are...
Go.
Uh, taxi!
Stryker!
Are you having fun
in my funhouse?
Honestly, stryker,
putting the door
on the floor like that?
Brilliant.
It took Darrell weeks...
Of starvation
to figure that one out.
Alright, asshole.
Where are the girls?
You could kill me
right now, Neil.
You could shoot
me in the face.
But then,
you would never
find the women.
At this present moment,
you have no have no idea
where the devil they are.
Or when they are?
Or when they are.
What a mystery.
For all you know
i took my time machine,
strapped them in...
And blasted them
back to dinosaur times!
They're here somewhere.
And in this time.
And I'm going to find them.
Business, business, business!
Stryker, you're so wound up.
Relax!
Here, let me draw
you a bubble bath.
Come on.
Take a dip with me, Neil!
Take a dip with ol' poppa bear.
It'll be like old times.
The old
acid in the bathtub routine.
You're too good, Neil.
A little too good
for your own good, perhaps.
Oh, hey, stryker you know what?
You have got to try these.
It's a cosmo.
My brother swears by 'em.
Here.
Go ahead!
Take it!
They're delicious.
They're scrumptious.
What?!
Are you kidding me?!
Poison a perfectly good cosmo?
Not in my lifetime.
Give me this. I want to at once.
Mmh. Mmh..
So good, Neil.
So good.
Mmh. Yours is better than mine!
I've let this drag on
far too long.
Just tell me
where the fuck they are.
Alright, stryker.
Alright.
I'm tired and I'm old.
If you want the women...
Simply turn around
and you shall find them.
Deactivate.
Halt.
Stop.
Is this all they do, Darrell?
Yes, but...
They do work.
Well, I'm embarrassed.
Is anyone else embarrassed?
Anyone else embarrassed
about the bumping robits?
Darrell!
How are you feeling?
You ask the impossible.
I need real men!
Men?!
Yes, an army, your grace.
Very skilled in soldiery.
No, Darrell!
Enough of your schemes.
You see, I am the one
with the smart.
I beseech you, your grace.
I've created a nine year plan.
Which will enable us...
Nine years?!
We don't have nine minutes!
Yes, but if we were too...
No Darrell, no more.
You see, Darrell,
I've got real plans
with real results in store.
Do what you will, Darrell.
Goodbye.
Meet me in the break room
in 20 minutes for donuts!
You underestimate me,
your grace.
But you will soon
know different.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes!
Did I catch you at a bad time?
Neil stryker!
What are you doing here?
Darrell freeway.
So, you're the
mad scientist's new stooge.
And your his old flame.
Well...
You've breathed
your last breath, stryker.
You're in trouble now...
Double trouble.
Consider yourself warned,
Mr. stryker.
I'm a wizard of the blade.
It wasn't me.
It was the scientist.
He's mad.
I'll take you to the girls.
They're right this way.
Come!
What the f--
blasted machine.
How many times have I had to--
oh, no!
Not the face!
Stryker! You do care about me.
Get the fuck out of the way.
Get back to the ship. Hurry.
Now, stryker,
I've got you in a bind!
I'd just like to see
you peel your way out!
Your room, stryker,
is completely airtight.
At this very moment all
the oxygen is being sucked out!
In two minutes time, you'll be
completely without air.
In three minutes...
You'll be dead.
Aah!
And now, Neil stryker,
this is where I say...
...au revoir.
Thanks, boys!
Yeah.
Stryker!
Thank god you're alive.
Go!
Now how are we
gonna get out of here?
I've got room for two!
Strykie, you're riding bitch,
baby!
Good timing, Fred.
Too good?
Thanks for coming for me.
No trouble.
Listen, I know I should
have been more careful.
I was stupid.
Ah, come on, kid.
You were brave.
Really?
Uh... okay. That's it.
We're done.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, okay.
Let go!
Sorry.
My paperwork.
Did it work?
Are you staring
at a pile of goo?
I planted a bomb in her body
while she was sleeping.
Do you want to know
where I inserted it?
Not interested.
I put it in her ear.
What do you want?
I just wanted
to make your life miserable
before I jumped
through time and space.
I still have the woman
that you failed to rescue.
I plan to breed with her
and create a race of
atomic super men and women.
If she'll have me, of course.
If she won't, hey, I'll adopt.
I've always wanted a baby boy.
Oh, wait a minute...
I've got one right here!
Daddy!
See you in hell ,asshole!
This damn war!
It doesn't take just soldiers.
It takes friends.
Can I have you clean this up?
Hey, what happened?
Veronica exploded.
Listen, the mad scientist
is about to jump through time.
And he has my son.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
He'll be gone in moments.
Finished!
Not quite.
Stryker, Neil.
One, one, three, five, eight.
It's the time portal.
Damn.
Just what I need.
Beverly!
- Yes, Neil?
Quit the small talk.
I need you to monitor this
like your life depends on it.
Because it does.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait!
What are you doin', strykes?
I need to save my kid.
We'll deal with
the mad scientist later
be back in a minute.
Good luck, strykes.
Now he's gone too far.
Daddy!
Come and get me, stryker!
Schnell! Schnell!
Oh! Ho! Ho!
Du.
- Nein?
- Nein!
- Nein?!
- Fuck this.
You Nazi bitch.
Such a waste.
Alright kid, just follow me--
oh!
Stryker!
Whatever happened to your
little rule about not
altering the entire
course of history!
I mean, you must have murdered
half the third reich down there!
Holocaust?
More like holo-lost in time,
thanks to you!
Give me back my kid!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Your son?
Why I've got bad news for ya,
stryker.
The boy loves me.
As if I were his own kin.
He and I have formed a paternal
bond that cannot be broken.
You're far too late, stryker.
You see, the boy...
Wishes for me to raise him...
...as my very own.
Save me
from the crazy man, daddy!
What?! You little traitor!
You said you loved me!
You little shit!
Are you okay?
Daddy, where's mommy?
She's still dead, kid.
Come on,
let's get this crap off you.
We gotta get outta here.
What did I tell you, kid?
Safe and sound.
Yay!
Take my kid.
Keep him safe.
Continue time-tracking
the mad scientist.
He could be anywhere.
Sir, there's something
on the monitor.
Bring it up.
Yeah.
October 12th, 1999, 12:01am.
Right here.
Ah! You got the boy back.
Excellent. I gotta get rollers
on my fucking luggage.
This is for shit, stryker!
I didn't bring a passport.
And I know you're
going to yell at me.
But who needs a passport when
the end of the world is coming?
Fred, you're not coming with me.
No. No.
Talk me down off this cliff.
Talk me off it, stryker,
or I will fucking jump.
Talk me off this cliff, stryker!
Stryker!
You're on suspension.
I want this man arrested.
Wait!
This guy is saving
the entire world,
and you want
him arrested?
Let him finish.
You can have my resignation
in the morning.
Fine!
But we do it my way.
Stryker, you kill the scientist,
I'll save the girl.
- No.
- Fine!
I'll kill the girl,
you save the scientist.
No one is going with me.
I'm going alone.
Fine!
But when all this is over...
I'm back on suspension.
You bet your ass you are.
You, throw me my bag.
Yes, sir!
Go get 'im, strykes!
Oh, god.
Where are we now
we don't have time
for you foolish questions.
We gotta haul ass out of here.
Now get the fuck in the truck.
Jesus.
Alright, Darrell.
Your plan better work.
Alright, the keys
are suppose to be...
Hm.
Wait a minute.
The hell?
Looking for these?
Your grace...
I am honored
that you would finally
warm to my little plan.
There's one thing
i forgot to mention.
There's just no place in it...
For you.
I've had nine years
to plan my escape...
You have exactly
nine seconds for yours.
Perhaps now your grace
will agree...
...that in fact...
...i am the one with the smart.
I'm afraid...
...you're going to die...
Impossible!
You're fucked.
Get out of the truck!
I've got a few more tricks
up my rabbit hole.
Shut your fat, overweight shit.
Let her go.
Not this time, stryker.
You're too late.
You see, I set my time-portal
to send us so far into time...
...that you'll never find us.
And now, stryker, a game of
chess that will span the ages.
I'll make the first move.
I'll see you in hell,
Neil stryker!
Ha! Ha!
Ha!
Ah!
What the bloody devil
do you suppose that was?
It's a clue!
Come, Watson.
To the lighthouse!
Move! Move, you fool!
Ah!
Whoa.
Bravo, stryker.
You win.
But you are
forgetting one thing...
My ghost is gonna
haunt the shit out of you.
I'm not kidding, stryker.
Seriously, it's gonna be weird.
For no reason at all,
just a beak...
Will grow from my face.
And I'll huff...
And I'll puff...
And I'll blow...
Damn, that was disturbing.
Yeah, no shit.
What ever happened
with dying with dignity?
Yeah.
He was plum fuck crazy,
wasn't he?
Well, least it's over.
Right.
Now, wait a second.
Isn't this the part
where the hero kisses the girl?
This ain't lover's Lane,
sweetheart.
We're up to our eyeballs
in dead guy.
You're a nurse,
you've wiped asses.
Clean this shit up
before some kid
comes around and plays in it.
You ready?
Warning. Rift anomaly.
Warning. Unknown origin.
That's just a mile up the road.
Strange.
Ah!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my god!
My hero!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, this is disgusting.
- Oh, thank you!
What in god's name
happened to you?
Peel this woman off me!
Yes, sir.
Eh!
Where's stryker?!
Throw her back.
No! No! No! No!
He's coming.
He's right behind me.
It worked.
He's all yours.
Well done.
I love you!
Yes.
You do.
You son of a bitch.
Through your wildest dreams...
...you could never imagine...
...what lies in wait for you.
Did you really think you'd be
able to could keep it a secret?
While you were tracking him,
I was tracking you.
Chasing that buffoon, you
left more ripples through time
than a stone in a pond.
So, you can track
a time-portal, can you?
Then perhaps you'll follow
this through the looking glass,
little Alice.
Well, pops,
you always said
you'd see you me hell.
I'm looking forward to it.
Come, stryker.
Take a bite of the cheese
in a mousetrap more elaborate,
than the world has ever known.
Smells like...
...liverwurst.
Hey, nabroski!
Toss me a bite, man, seriously,
I'm starving over here.
That's funny.
You're quite the comedian.
We gotta comedian over here!
You dick!
Thanks for tossing my
bones on the other side, idiot!
Least I can leave,
you're weird for stayin'.
You got no hope!
You got no water!
You got no light!
Except for this little ray
of sunshine right here!
When you've got to go...
...you've got to go.