Never Say Die (1939) Movie Script

[Woman Speaking French]
[Speaking French]
[People Chattering]
[Bell Ringing]
The bell!
[Ringing Stops]
Ugh! Tastes like
old chicken wire.
Yes, but you've
taken off 20 pounds.
Au revoir.
Oh! How is he
this morning?
Tolerably well.
He says his liver's acting up
a bit, but, you know.
Ah, good morning.
And how is poor,
dear Mr. Kidley?
His gall bladder spent
a rather peaceful night.
Ah, that's good.
That's good.
Splendid. Splendid.
However, he complains
of a shooting pain
in his sacroiliac.
Oh, good morning.
Isn't he the Kidley
of Kidley's Korn Plasters?
Kidley's Beans, madam,
if you don't mind.
I ate some once.
Very tasty.
Thank you, madam.
Ah, Jeepers.
Good morning.
How is Mr. Kidley
this morning?
Up and down-ish,
thank you, sir.
His liver was a bit
squeamish during the night.
That's nice.
Did he invent
the Kidley Bean?
His grandfather did,
I understand
Mr. Kidley inherited
quite a little money.
$20 Million, madam.
I shouldn't call that
"a little."
Please, please.
Ladies, ladies,
please, please.
This is for Mr. Kidley.
Is that you,
Yes, sir.
Is that you,
Yes, sir.
Oh, Jeepers,
I'm a very sick man.
Very sick.
Will you take that?
Oh, it's terrible.
Normal, sir.
Oh, but it can't be!
Ninety-eight and six-tenths,
sir, right on the nose.
Oh, that thing's
broken again.
[Thermometer Clinking]
If I may say so, sir,
it's all poppycock.
You're as healthy
as a fire horse.
Oh! Oh, is that so?
Well, why do you think
I came to Switzerland,
to yodel?
And how about yesterday?
That dizzy spell
when I fell downstairs?
You saw me yourself.
Anyone would fall
downstairs, sir.
Eight aspirins
before breakfast.
Well, now, don't quibble.
If you had what I've got...
- What have you got, sir?
- Well, l...
Well, you wait till
I see Dr. Schmidt
this afternoon.
He'll tell you
what I've got.
Dr. Schmidt!
Yes. Dr. Schmidt
is the biggest
stomach man in Europe.
Very well, sir.
Whatever he says goes.
You're not getting
a chill, sir?
No. I forgot
to shake the bottle.
Don't let me
forget that, Jeepers.
And here, give me
my bad gas water.
[Birds Singing]
There. An ice bag
and a hot water bottle,
right away.
Oh, not to bed
again, sir.
It... It's all sunshiny
outside, sir!
The birds are singing!
Oh, shut the window!
I hate 'em!
And besides,
they're off-key.
Close 'em out.
[Car Approaching]
Mr. Kidley
staying here?
Yes, madam.
Rooms 201,
2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7.
Get out, Hannah.
This is it.
Oh, sir! Sir!
It's her, sir.
It's she!
She's here, sir.
Sir, she's here!
Jeepers, this is no time
for your romances.
Get the ice bag
and cool off.
But sir!
Sir, she's here!
The-The-The one
from St. Moritz.
The one with four names.
Marko? She's here?
That's it.
Yes. Yes.
Mrs. Jones-DeBaupre-
Ivansoff-Marko, sir.
She's followed us.
Well, where is she?
I don't see her.
She's in this hotel, sir.
In the hotel?
Oh, Jeepers, I'm cursed.
Every time a woman finds out
I've got $20 million
and bad health...
she falls in love
with me.
The butterflies were easy
to brush off, sir,
but this one's a black widow.
Well, don't stand there.
Do something!
Tell her I died.
I knew it was a mistake
to encourage her, sir.
I did not.
It was an accident.
Room 312 and 412.
Anybody can get off
at the wrong floor.
Well, answer the door.
No, don't answer the door!
Lock it! Lock it!
Don't stand...
[Knocking Continues]
Well, Mrs. Marko!
Well, what happy wind
blows you to Bad Gaswasser?
Never mind that.
What happy wind blew you
out of St. Moritz?
Well, you see, I, uh...
There was a train,
and then, uh...
there was a doctor,
and he told me that...
That l...
Well, I mean...
Didn't I, Jeepers?
Oh, absolutely,
Mrs. Marko.
Will you get out?
Yes, ma'am.
No, not you.
I mean this-this Creepers.
We'll get rid of him.
Oh, sure, we...
- After we're married.
- Oh, uh... [Laughs]
Yeah. Yeah.
But I understood... I mean,
what about your husband?
Pierre? Oh, we won't
have to worry about Pierre.
Oh, we won't?
Well! Well...
John, it was fate.
Everything was settled
that wonderful night
you danced with me.
I knew how you felt
when you held me close...
and whispered,
"You, you,
it's got to be you."
Yes, but that was a song,
Mrs. Marko.
Yes, but that was a song,
Mrs. Marko.
? You, you
It's gotta be you ?
? You wonderful you
No one but you ??
Don't you remember?
I remember.
Darling, of course
it's going to be me.
And then you remember later,
when you...
Oh, did I?
Well, that was the elevator.
You see, l-I just went,
and I got off.
It'll happen.
John, do you know what first
attracted me to you?
Yeah, well, I guess you had
20 million reasons,
eh, Mrs. Marko?
You're the only one
in the whole world
who believes in me.
The others are always
pointing accusing fingers,
just because of DeBaupre.
Yes. He was the one
before Pierre.
- Oh, he's the one
they said you shot.
- It's not true!
- It's a wicked, slanderous lie!
- Oh, I should say it is.
Just because you were there
and there were holes
in him, Mrs. Marko...
is no reason
why people should...
I was acquitted.
Just because I'm impulsive
and quick tempered, people talk.
Yes, and with you being
an Olympic pistol champion...
You too!
Oh, pardon me.
John, what you just said
is what the police said.
You don't dare
to think that l...
Why, no, Mrs. Marko.
I think you're as innocent
as a child... a small child.
Way down...
We're going to be
very happy together.
- Don't you think so, John?
- You're the type of woman
I admire.
I'd marry you
just like that,
if it weren't for...
If it weren't for what?
Well, if it weren't for your
present husband, Mr. Marko.
Oh. I thought I told you.
Oh, poor Pierre!
Yes, poor Pierre.
"Poor Pierre"?
What happened to him?
He fell off
the Matterhorn.
Oh, that's too...
That's a mountain!
Thirteen thousand,
six hundred
and sixty-nine feet.
He was never found.
Did they look?
Were you there,
Mrs. Marko?
Oh, I saw it all.
It was horrible.
Why, when it happened,
l-I wasn't a foot behind him.
Think of that.
I'll bet you could have
reached right out...
and touched him,
eh, Mrs. Marko?
Seven years.
Seven years.
That's how long we'll
have to wait, Mrs. Marko.
When a husband disappears,
you have to wait seven years.
Not in mountain climbing.
I'd be willing
to bet.
Oh, you'd lose.
I stopped in Geneva
to find out.
I had the same lawyers
as the League of Nations.
I'm entirely free.
Oh, well, Mrs. Marko,
you wouldn't want
to marry me.
I'm a hopeless invalid.
I'm liable to die, just like that.
You mistrust me!
You act as though you
don't want to marry me.
Why, I've told everyone
I came here to...
Shh! Don't.
Oh, I must control myself.
I mustn't lose my temper.
No, no.
Don't do that!
No! Uh, oh.
You do intend to marry me,
don't you, John?
Well, uh, l-l...
I'll get it.
You do...
don't you, John?
Oh, sure.
No other thought ever
entered my mind, Mrs. Marko.
Then that's settled.
I'll go and change.
And then we'll
set the date.
[Door Closes]
I gathered from what
I overheard, sir...
that we're
in a slight miasma, sir.
Miasma is right.
I should advise
a firm stand.
I had a brother-in-law...
since deceased...
who sponged lions
for a living, sir.
He always said...
Oh, shut up, Jeepers!
Feel my pulse.
It's doing that again.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Yes, sir.
I'd better drop down
to the chemist's, sir,
and get your acidity test.
Oh, yes. Good.
I'll meet you
at Dr. Schmidt's.
And as for Mrs. Marko,
I should tell her
to go fry an egg.
Yeah, and get shot down
like a clay pigeon.
"The coward dies
a thousand deaths,
the hero dies but once."
Do hurry, Marjorie.
Oh, yes, but these
lovely little fish!
Doesn't it frighten
the fish?
Not at all, madam.
They grow to love it.
The acidity test
for Mr. Kidley, please.
Of course.
What does it do?
Just one moment,
madam, please.
Knoodle, Kneck,
Kipper, Kidley.
Ah. Here we are.
Ah, now I remember
what I want...
Corn plasters.
But the gentleman was...
Oh, but I was
here first.
Excuse, please.
Now, these we recommend.
That will be
two samelkas, please.
Here you are.
And ten samelkas.
Two samelkas.
Thank you.
I've been waiting here
for the analysis for Kipper.
He's been a little bit
off color lately.
Haven't you, Kipper?
Oh, poor little
Why, you nasty
little dog, you!
The name was Kipper,
wasn't it?
Ja, Kipper.
Ja, ja, ja, ja.
Uh, Kidley...
I was certain
that was here
a moment ago.
Knoodle, Kneck,
Kidley, Kornbostle.
I can't understand it.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Good. Very good.
Yeah, but Doctor,
I'm worried about
those three white spots.
I am not worried
about them.
You're not?
No. They are the buttons
on your under trousers.
That is all.
Step out.
Here, Maria.
Mr. Kidley's acidity test.
Here I am, sir.
Ah. Here we are.
I have very much
expect this...
But this is marvelous!
What is it, Doc?
You've got 162 acidity...
three times normal!
Oh, well that's fine.
That's great.
Or is it?
Is it? My friend,
with your acidity,
you can digest bones.
You mean bones?
But I don't like bones.
You not only can,
but you will...
your bones
and everything else.
You will completely
digest yourself.
You-You mean I'm...
I'm gonna pass away?
Pass away?
You will disappear!
Thinner and thinner,
smaller and smaller...
until finally...
Now I know what is
the matter with you.
You have got
Acidatus Canis...
the acidity of a dog.
A dog?
It is very, very rare.
Oh, very rare.
Not once in 700 years
does it turn up.
Acid mouth.
Ah! Here we are.
"The last case was
a Greek shepherd boy.
His name was Peropilis."
Well, what happened
to him?
Unfortunately, nobody knows.
"On the last day,
he went out
with his sheep...
And they found
only his footprints."
Yeah, well, look, Doc.
I mean, how long
have I got?
Oh, ten, twenty,
maybe thirty days.
But why should you care?
In the history of medicine,
you will live forever.
You are the first
human dog.
What was that?
Ah. Erno.
Doc! Doc!
Never mind writing me up.
What I want to know is...
Look, Erno.
The body is still
round and fat.
The face is still smooth.
But in the eyes already
show the ravages of-of...
We've got to give it
a name.
I'll call it
"Schmidt's Disease."
After you?
After me.
Down the centuries,
students will read of this.
Side by side we will
live through all eternity...
Schmidt and his disease.
We must send it
to the journal.
Oh, yes.
All the newspapers.
The whole world.
Doc, look! Look, Doc.
It's started already.
I'm shrinking!
L... l...
That is my hat.
If I may say so, sir,
I don't think you
put up much of a fight.
you talk like a fool.
Have you ever
seen Mrs. Marko
at target practice?
Why, she can shoot
the head off a pin
at 100 yards.
But didn't you tell her,
sir, that you only had
30 days to live?
Yeah. That was
my fatal mistake.
Three minutes after I told her,
she had me signing
on a lot of dotted lines.
I'll fix it with flowers,
and it will look beautiful.
All right.
Now, what
about the time?
I can push you in
and your gentleman
at 3:30.
Oh, couldn't you
make it 4:00?
Marrying on the half hour
has been unlucky for me.
No. Impossible!
At 4:00 I marry
his Highness Prince Smirnov
to a young lady from Texas.
That's where
the cows come from.
Very well.
Mr. Kidley and I
will be here at 3:30.
They say cremation's
awfully nice, sir.
They say cremation's
awfully nice, sir.
Just trying
to be helpful, sir.
Well, stop it.
Have you got a cigar?
Yes, indeed, sir.
Shall I smoke it
for you?
No, I'll smoke it myself.
What does it matter now?
That's the spirit, sir.
As the poet says,
"Come fill the cup...
for the bird's
on the wing."
That's good.
I'm just beginning to realize
what a swell old world
this is...
now that I've only
got thirty days.
Twenty-nine now, sir.
Jeepers, I've got
to do something
about my money.
If I leave it to Mrs. Marko,
she'll use it to start a war.
I'm tellin'you,
you'll do like I say!
You'll marry Smirnov
if I have to
hogtie you!
No! I won't! No!
Do exactly as I say!
Look out!
Well, I don't blame her.
Whatever it is,
he's wrong.
Home, Jeepers.
Yes, sir.
[Loud Pop]
Mighty proud to be his wife,
that's what you ought to be.
Mighty proud!
Why, Smirnov's folks
goes back 40 generations.
Well, why don't he
go back with 'em?
"Don't do this.
Don't do that.
Don't wear this.
Don't wear that."
Trying to make
a lady out of me!
Always licking my hand
like a St. Bernard dog.
Oh, I hate him!
Now, we didn't traipse
all the way...
from Eagle Heights, Texas,
to Bad Gaswasser...
just so you could
back out now.
But, Pa,
I love Henry Munch!
Oh, Henny-Penny!
They're trying
to pull us apart.
Oh, Henny,
Aw, coochie-woochie-woochie!
Oh, Daddy, no, don't!
Munch is a no-account
bus driver!
From Eagle Heights
to Silver Falls.
I don't care.
I love him
just the same.
That Smirnov's nothing
but a dressed-up coyote.
Dressed or undressed,
you're marrying him at 4:00.
Well, Henry was good enough
when we were nothing
but poor scrub farmers.
Ever since we struck oil
and got to wearin' shoes...
you've been gettin'
mighty nose-high, Pa.
You're goin'
back home a princess,
just like I told 'em.
By hooky, they'll let me
into the country club
and everything then.
I'll show 'em!
That bunch always
lookin' down on me.
If they could only
patch up a man...
as easily as they can
a bicycle tire.
[Loud Pop]
Imagine me laughing
in my condition.
You're going through with it,
and that's my final say!
I won't.
I won't, I won't,
I won't, I won't!
I'll... I'll run away.
I'll... I'll do
something desperate.
Jeepers, that girl!
Mr. Kidley! No!
Help! Help!
Oh! Wait!
Why, you...
- Oh, Miss, please!
- I'll save you. Take it easy.
Let me, sir!
Let me, please!
Oh, darn fool.
Oh! Oh!
Get her! Save her!
Get her!
Hey, wait a minute!
Are you all right?
Oh! Oh. Oh.
Oh, say!
Oh, thanks.
You saved my life.
Well, why did you do it?
Why didn't you
let me alone?
You-You can't
even swim.
Apart from his morning tub,
Miss, he's never been
in the water in his life.
Well, then,
why did you do it?
It was marvelous...
I mean, wonderful...
But why did you do it?
Well, you see, l...
Any man would have
done the same.
I couldn't get
the inner tube
off my neck, sir.
Look. Look, you.
Don't you ever do
anything like that...
no matter what
your troubles are.
This world's a pretty nice
place to live in.
Think of the sunshine,
and the bees...
and the butterflies
and the breeze and the...
and the...
What's that thing
about the cup?
"Come fill the cup.
The bird's on the wing."
Yeah, you see?
The bird's on the wing.
What bird?
Well, uh...
What bird, Jeepers?
Just a figure of speech, sir.
Come along, sir.
We mustn't precipitate
your demise. Pneumonia!
Come on.
You're liable to catch
your death of cold if you...
Oh, me.
I just wish
you knew my Henry.
He's so big, and strong
and-and cute.
Why, he'd do
anything for me.
You know,
when we were kids, he...
he ate a beetle, just
'cause I asked him to.
Sounds like a handy fella
to have around a garden.
Yeah, but that's
all over with now.
At 4:00 I've
got to marry Smirnov.
Yeah, but this is 1939.
You don't have to go around
jumping off bridges.
You don't know Pa.
But what are my troubles
compared to yours?
I mean, you being
a human dog and everything.
Yeah. Acidatus Canis.
You know, while we're
sitting here, Mickey,
you know what I'm doin'?
I'm digesting myself.
Bones and all.
I'm getting smaller
and smaller.
First a pygmy,
then a radiator ornament...
then a watch charm,
and finally... pfft.
Just a memory.
I'm the last
of the vanishing Americans.
Oh, I feel so sorry
for you, Mr. Kidley.
Oh, thanks, Mickey.
Nobody else cares.
Why, even the hotel people
asked me to move.
Afraid I might give
the hotel a bad name.
Told me to go to some
other place and die.
Oh, I wouldn't
be afraid of them.
I'd do it right here
in this room,
if I wanted to.
Oh, gee.
You're a nice girl, Mickey.
I like you...
and I like Henry too.
You do?
Yes, sir?
Another glass.
Another glass,
For you.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Let's drink to Henry.
[Telephone Rings]
That couldn't be Pa,
could it?
The Kidley suite.
Who is it?
It's the "Arko-may."
Holy mackerel!
I forgot all about her.
What does she want?
It's about
your nuptials, sir.
She wants to know
if you're dressed.
Tell her no.
Tell her anything.
Tell her I'm not dressed,
not even my socks.
You see, Mrs. Marko,
Mr. Kidley is
a little delayed.
No, not decayed, madam,
And I want him to be
ready for the ceremony!
What'd she say?
What'd she say?
She says you'd better
be ready darn soon, sir...
and I didn't like
the way she said it.
Well, Jeepers...
Jeepers, do something.
Think of something.
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
She... Mrs. Marko,
she shoots her husbands.
She pushes them
off mountains and...
and I've got
to marry her at 3:30.
But you don't have
to marry her, do you?
I don't, huh?
She's the Olympic
pistol champion.
I can't get out of this
any more than you can.
I mean, we're
in the same fix.
Oh, why didn't you
let me stay in the water?
I was just beginning
to do all right.
All she wants
is my money.
She's my Smirnov.
Hey, wait a minute.
There's an out.
There's an out
for both of us.
You mean we should
jump back into the...
No! Listen carefully.
We only have
a few minutes.
How would you
like to marry me?
How would l... What?
You've had too much
of that spider juice, sir.
No, I haven't.
But I can't marry you.
Yes, you can.
Here, put this on.
It throws everybody
for a loss.
It puts the prince
behind the eight ball...
and the pistol champion
in the side pocket.
But what about Henry?
Well, that's it.
I can die in peace,
and as soon as I'm gone
you can marry Henry...
and I'll leave him
barrels of money.
He can buy
a thousand buses.
Yeah, that's...
Oh, but I don't love you.
I mean, I don't even
know you, well,
good, you know.
I don't love you either.
That makes it perfect.
But why should you
do all this for me?
Well, in the first place,
I've never done anything
for anybody.
In the second place,
it helps me too.
And in the third place...
Oh, well, I don't know.
But-But, you can't...
No buts. You leave
everything to me.
All right, I will.
And I'll leave
everything to you.
Ah, gentlemen!
Your Highness, I wouldn't
have missed your wedding
for the world.
you all know Kretsky.
There he stands,
an eloquent picture
of his mission.
The bulge
in his right pocket:
My unpaid notes.
In his left pocket:
My bad checks.
The hollow in the middle
is Kretsky.
Your Highness
has saved me words.
Unless the bulge
in my left pocket...
is made good immediately
after the ceremony...
Your Highness will
have the opportunity...
of entertaining the police
with his priceless humor.
I intensely dislike
you and your bloodhound...
continually sniffing
at my heels.
We are sniffing
for 200,000 samelkas
in bad checks.
Kretsky, I have told you,
you will be paid...
when I get my dowry...
after the wedding.
Oh, pardon me,
Your Highness.
I'm terribly sorry.
I, uh, I nearly
ran over you.
Pardon me,
Your Highness.
I will forgive you
if you make me
a good wedding.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you the mayor?
Uh, what is it?
Could I speak to you
for a moment, sir?
Just one moment.
Will you pardon me.
Your Highness, pardon me.
What is it?
There's a certain
young party, sir.
She wants
to get married.
Well, uh...
A scullery maid, sir,
and the butler
in the same house, sir.
No, I can't do it.
I'm afraid they'll elope
unless we do something, sir.
You know,
what with springtime
and everything, Your Honor.
We'd hate to lose them.
I have one
waiting already at 3:30
and another one at 4:00.
But it would only take a moment
if Your Honor would just
hit the high spots.
No, no, no.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Oh. Mm, yes.
If you can make it quick.
Bring 'em in the courtroom,
but sneak 'em in
the back way.
If Your Highness will
pardon me one second.
Something very urgent
came up.
Excuse me.
I beg your pardon.
A little kitchen romance.
It should be amusing.
Let us watch.
Your hat off, please.
Right away I marry you
in the courtroom.
Here? No, no.
Not in here.
Here is for
the certificate only.
The marriage is in
the courtroom always.
Can you write?
Ja, ja.
Oui, oui.
Oui, oui.
Si, senor.
All right, then.
Then write here
your names, please,
right here.
?? [Organ Playing
"Here Comes The Bride"]
Uh, well, all right.
Come on here. This way.
The prince's guests are waiting.
Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
?? [Continues]
Do you take this man
for your lawful,
wedded husband...
to live with him in
sickness and in health...
Do you promise
to love one another...
and cherish
as long as you may live?
Say yes!
I do.
Now you. Don't let
the people wait.
Do you take this woman
for your lawful,
wedded wife...
He won't be late,
will he?
I beg pardon, ma'am?
He won't be late,
will he?
Oh, no, ma'am.
In a manner of speaking,
he's already here.
You may now join hands.
Hold hands!
Don't we kneel?
If you want
to kneel, kneel.
As evidence
of these promises
that you have made...
Oh, we can skip that.
Uh, by virtue of the power
invested in me...
and by virtue
of the solemn promises
you have made...
I hereby pronounce you
to be man and wife.
You can rise now.
It's all over.
?? ["The Wedding March"]
The bride...
Let us kiss the bride.
Hey, wait!
Come on. We'll
catch them outside.
Come on!
The prince is
gonna kiss the bride.
Come on!
Oh! Ah! Ah!
Come, madam,
you must pay the penalty.
Max, help me, please.
[Max] Oop-la!
- Mickey!
- Mickey!
Let her alone!
[Clicks Heels]
[Crowd Clamoring]
Your Highness!
Are you all right?
That car!
I'll hold them off, sir!
John! John!
[Car Starts]
I'll send you
a postcard!
Your Highness!
Wait for me!
[Horn Honks]
Take me with you!
Take me with you!
All right. Come on!
Me too!
She's my daughter!
Yoo-hoo! Mickey!
Where are you?
Who is it?
It's me.
Well, what in the name
of all get out
are you doing here?
Well, I came over
on a cattle boat.
I didn't get much sleep,
though, on account
of all the mooin'.
Oh, Henry!
Well, you ought to see
the papers back home.
They're just full of that
stuff about you and that
Prince "Smirkoff" fella.
Oh, Henry!
Well, nobody around here
talks Texas, and I had
an awful time findin' ya.
But did I get here
in time?
Yes. Yes, Henry.
I didn't marry Smirnov.
Well, thank
my lucky stars.
I married Mr. Kidley.
Huh? Who?
Mr. Ki... Who's he?
The bean man.
L-I just met him.
Oh, shucks!
Well, what'd ya
marry him for?
Well, because
I love you, Henry.
Well, I may be just
a country boy, but I can't
figure that one out.
[Horn Honking]
Yeah, yeah!
I'll be right out.
I'll be right out.
I gotta go, Henry.
You gotta go?
Where you goin'?
On my honeymoon.
Your honeymoon?
Yeah. I can't
explain now. Here.
I can't explain now.
We're goin' away someplace,
and then Mr. Kidley's gonna die.
Well, what kind
of talkin' is that?
Oh! Good-bye, Henry.
Good-bye, Henry.
I didn't come over here
just to say good-bye!
[Horn Honking]
Okay, let's go.
Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute.
Who's that?
Oh, it's Henry.
Isn't it wonderful?
He's coming on
our honeymoon.
Oh. Huh?
Oh, Henry, this is
my husband, Mr. Kidley.
Oh, how do you do, Henry?
Right now I ain't
doin' so good.
Yes. Will you please
come around this way?
And sign
on this line.
"Mr. And Mrs. John Kidley."
And for your servant,
we have something in the rear.
I ain't his servant.
Oh, isn't that funny?
He thought Henry
was your servant.
No, this is Mr. Henry Munch.
The man Mrs. Kidley's
gonna marry.
Oh, Mr. Munch, Mr. Ingleborg
personally welcomes...
Marry? What is?
Mr. Munch is
Mrs. Kidley's fiance.
Oh, Papa!
[Indistinct Whispering]
Yes. Quiet, Mama.
That is not our business.
Julius, bring
upstairs the bags.
Come on, honey.
I'll thank you not
to call her honey,
you understand?
Why, Henry!
Oh, isn't that sweet,
Mr. Kidley?
Henry's jealous!
Cuckoo, darling.
There's something funny up.
Ah, Mama,
those Americans
are always joking.
Oh, Henry, that moon.
Look at the moon.
Yeah, it's big.
And those mountains.
Yeah. Kinda high.
No, Henry,
it's more than that.
Well, look at 'em.
Well, we got
a mountain in Texas.
But Henry!
This place...
This night...
The smell of lilac.
And you sit there
whittlin' on a hunk of wood.
Well, what should I be
whittlin' on?
Well, gee, Henry,
this is the first time
we've ever been alone together...
I mean, away from Pa.
Put your arm around me,
Now kiss me.
Henry, that's no way
to do it!
I mean, kiss me
as if you liked it...
as if you meant it.
Oh, I can't do it.
My heart ain't in it.
Why not?
Well, I can't get it
outta my mind that I'm...
Well, that I'm kissin'
somebody else's wife.
Makes me feel like
one of them playboys.
[Mickey, Henry
Hey, Henry, can you
still imitate a horse?
Oh, I guess I could
if I tried.
Go on, do it.
Go on.
Oh, no. That's kid stuff.
Aw, go on, Henry.
Just one little horse,
Well, all right.
Just once.
Yeah, yeah.
[Imitating Horse]
[Mickey, Henry
[Henry Imitating Horse]
I love it.
Come on. Do it again, Henry.
[Imitating Horse]
[Mickey, Henry
Look, Mama.
The moon out and everything,
and he makes like a horse.
Oh, Mickey?
Oh, pardon me.
I didn't mean to...
I just came out.
I thought it was just about
time for me to kick off.
I mean, turn in.
Go to bed.
Good night, Mickey.
Good night, Henry.
Good night!
Oh, Mr. Kidley,
wait a minute.
I'm coming right in.
Good night, Henry.
And I'll see you
in the morning.
Good night.
You'll see me
in the morn...
Hey, you!
L-I'll tuck you in,
Oh, thank you.
Oh, that's all right.
I want you to feel
nice and comfortable.
It's full of feathers.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, Henry, doesn't
Mr. Kidley look cute
in his pajamas?
Well, yeah, but...
He looks so cute.
Mr. Kidley,
we gotta have a talk.
All right, Henry.
We'll talk in the morning.
I've had a hard day.
Well, in the morning
won't do, Mr. Kidley.
Well, what is it?
What is it?
Well, I ain't happy.
Why, Henry,
just a minute ago
you were swell...
when you were acting
like a horse.
Well, I ain't the
kind of guy.
If I got anything
on my mind,
I spit it out.
Now, Henry,
don't be that way.
Mr. Kidley hasn't long
to be with us.
He hasn't long
to be with us.
And it's our duty to see
that he's happy and...
Happy? Well, what difference
does it make to you
whether he's happy or not?
Well, after all, Henry,
I am Mrs. Kidley.
And I always say that a
wife's place is in the home.
Oh, Henry, you don't have
to worry about me.
Why, one of these mornings
you'll wake up and...
Pfft. I'll be gone.
Mr. Kidley,
I been watchin' you
mighty close here of late...
and all I got to say
is that you ain't been
livin' up to your promise.
You ain't gettin'
any smaller.
Uh, who's there?
[Ingleborg Humming,
Oh, come in.
Good morning!
Good morning!
Well, Mama Ingleborg
has fixed the breakfast
Oh, that's fine.
Hey, breakfast!
Yes, a very
special breakfast...
for our two little
Well, that's very nice
of Mama, Mr. Ingleborg.
Well, that's very nice
of Mama, Mr. Ingleborg.
Yes, it sure is!
What sticks in my craw is,
everything he says
is so wonderful...
but everything I say it's,
"Oh, Henry, oh, Henry,
oh, Henry."
Now, Henry, don't talk
that way about Mr. Kidley.
Oh, shucks.
Look! He's getting
that flower just for me.
Risking his life.
I got it!
Careful! Careful!
Oh, that ain't nothin'.
I'd take a chance
at breakin' my neck, too,
if I knew I was gonna die.
Gee, thanks.
Well, there it is.
Oh, thanks,
Mr. Kidley.
For you.
In the words of the poet,
"You are like a flower."
Oh, Mr. Kidley,
that's so sweet.
That's just like
in the movies.
Well, it was original
with me at the moment.
Let me help you, Mr. Kidley.
You must be a little tired.
Let's sit down
and rest a minute, huh?
I guess I'll
run along to the hotel.
You and Henry want to be alone.
The minute you do, he'll
just start whittling.
Oh, that's fine talk.
A fella can whittle
and still be in love,
I guess.
He don't have
to go around shouting
that poetry muck all day.
Oh, Henry,
that's where you're wrong.
Women are romantic, sentimental.
It's up to us men
to humor 'em...
say pretty things.
Oh, I suppose you could
give me a lesson.
Oh, I bet you'd
be good at it too.
Well, I have kind of
been around.
Frankly, Henry,
I think you could
use a few lessons.
For instance?
Well, for a starter...
Supposing you were going
to take a girl in your arms.
Now you hold her
tenderly... gently.
Yeah, Henry,
you handle me
as if I was a bus.
Oh, bosh!
Now, watch, Henry.
Now, supposing I'm you.
You hold her like this,
and then you kiss her.
You see, Henry?
Uh-uh. No.
No? Well, show him
again, Mr. Kidley.
All right.
Wait a minute.
Here. Thank you.
Oh, pardon me.
Now you do it, Henry.
I'll sit here and watch.
No, sir. I don't have
to kiss my girl in front
of a whole crowd of people.
Well, it's only
Mr. Kidley, Henry.
Aw, come on.
Oh, all right.
Well, I can't
get started.
Maybe you haven't
turned on your ignition.
No, that's not it,
Would you show him again,
please, Mr. Kidley?
Oh, of course.
Anything at all.
Here. Hold that.
Just a moment.
Any time you
get the idea,
Henry, just cut in.
Well, I don't see
that he's doin' anything
that I didn't do.
Well, it's just
something or other
that I can't explain, Henry.
When he does it,
it's like a bunch
of trained wildcats...
but when you do it,
it's more like wild mice.
Oh, well,
I watched him close...
and I did everything
that he did...
and I'll bet you
if you had your eyes closed
you couldn't tell us apart.
All right, Henry.
I'll prove it to you.
Somebody give me
a hankie.
You got a hankie?
Oh, yes,
I have one here.
No! Her, her, her!
Oh, pardon me.
Pardon me.
All right, now I'll
tie this tight.
Now you come around
in front, Mr. Kidley.
All right.
And the both of you
step back now.
And then you sneak up
one at a time and kiss me...
and I'll tell you
just who it is.
All right, step back.
Go on, go on.
Well, don't go away.
Okay. Now, I'll count
up to ten...
and then one of you
come up and kiss me.
All right.
One, two, three...
six, seven, eight...
nine, ten.
You ready?
Well, come on.
That's Henry.
That's Mr. Kidley.
Ready again.
That's Henry.
That's Mr. Kidley.
That's Henry, still handling
me like I was a bus.
[Clicks Tongue]
Why, Henry, how dare you
take your shirt off.
I'm surprised, l...
Mr. Kidley!
Yes, sir.
I can leave
immediately, sir.
Just a minute, sir.
I'll write it down.
"Ingleborg Haus...
I've got it, sir.
Forgive the liberty,
sir, but, uh...
how is everything?
Well, don't forget, sir,
the bird on the wing
and all that.
No, sir,
no one but Dr. Schmidt.
Oh, he wants to know if,
when it happens...
he can have your stomach.
Wants to put it
in a bottle or something.
Yes, I told him I'd have
to ask you first, sir.
Don't worry, sir.
I'll travel incognito.
Oh, Mrs. Marko
found her car, sir,
just where you abandoned it.
Oh, no, sir.
Not a soul knows
of your whereabouts.
But I've got it...
"Ingleborg Haus."
At last I have got it!
Ingleborg Haus.
Where's that?
Thank you, dear.
Come on, let's go.
- [Cuckoos]
- [Snorts]
Hey, don't you think it's about
time we ought to go to bed?
Huh? Oh. Oh.
Hey! Hey!
?? [Oompah]
?? [Continues]
? Once a little tra la la
met a great big oompah-pah ?
? She looked up and said
"Aha, you're the one for me" ?
? Then the little tra la la
kissed the great big
oompah-pah ?
? Then the village orchestra
played in harmony ?
Now, Mickey...
? One day ?
? In springtime ?
? Their love dream
came true ?
Now, Mick...
? Church bells
were ringing ?
? When the tra la la
Oompah-pah ?
? Said "I do" ?
? Now the little tra la la
has a little oompah-pah ?
? He can only say "da da"
but his ma and pa ?
? Hope that he will grow to be
a great big oompah-pah ?
Now, see here. L...
? Once a little tra la la
met a great big oompah-pah ?
? She looked up and said
"Aha, you're... no, you're
the one for me" ?
? Then the little tra la la
kissed the great big
oompah-pah ?
? Then the village orchestra
played in harmony ?
? Then the village orchestra
played in harmony ?
? One day in springtime ?
? Their love dream
came true ?
? Church bells
were ringing ?
? When the tra la la
Oompah-pah ?
? Said "I do" ?
? Now the little tra la la
has a little oompah-pah ?
? He can only say "da da"
but his ma and pa ?
? Hope that he will
grow to be ?
? Tra la la ?
? Oompah-pah ?
? Hope that he will
grow to be ?
? A great big oompah-pah ??
Stop it, now.
Stop it.
?? [Yodeling]
?? [Resumes]
Yahoo! Yippee!
[Shouts Continue]
Just stop it!
Stop it! Stop it.
?? [Discordant Notes]
Oh. 'Scuze, please.
Mr. Kidley, what do you mean
by traipsing around with my girl
past 1:00 in the morning?
Oh, we never had such
a time, Henry. We went
to a cheese festival.
Yeah, we had wine
and cheese.
And singing.
Cheese festival?
Well, that ain't cheese,
Mr. Kidley.
Oh. Oh, that.
You see, we stopped...
Oh, yeah, Henry.
We stopped and just now...
when I was singin' the song
I gave him a little, uh...
l... Well, you were
right there.
I mean, l-l...
Now, Mickey, hush.
I've heard enough.
Now, you run right along
upstairs to bed.
Mickey. Mickey.
But l...
But l...
Henry, you can't order
your wife around like that.
Oh, I can't, huh?
Well, she ain't my wife,
she's your wife.
Y... Oh, yeah!
Say, thanks
for reminding me.
Mickey, go to bed.
Oh. Mickey...
Good night, boys.
Good night.
Good night, Mickey.
Well, I guess that's all, men.
Here you are. Thanks.
We'll get Mrs. Kidley
and do it again sometime.
[Band Members] Okay.
Oh, no, you won't.
Now that she's gone
I wanna tell you...
you're mighty fortunate
I just don't tear you to pieces.
Why, Henry.
And with my bare hands.
?? [Dramatic Sting]
'Scuze, please,
she must close.
Well, close it.
Now, wait a minute.
I was just going...
Listen to me. As long as
you're in Ingleborg, you're not
gettin' out of my sight again.
No, sir.
Not for two seconds.
?? [Sting]
?? [Continues]
- Hey, where do you
think you're goin'?
- Oh, l...
Drink. I was gonna
get some water. I was...
Well, you've been up for water
every two minutes.
Well, I'll tell you truth.
I wanna see Mickey.
I've got somethin'
to tell her. A man can talk
to his own wife, can't he?
- No!
- I know what's the matter
with you. You don't trust me.
You're darn tootin' I don't.
Now, I don't want
any trouble with you.
You get back here in bed.
You and your
old whittlin's.
I'd rather sleep
with a cracker eater.
It's not comfortable.
Oh, now, wait a minute.
Just a second. I have a little
something to say about this.
What are you doin'?
That'll fix that.
Oh, Henry,
this is so unjust.
Not so tight.
Leave a little blood
in there.
My circulation is practically
at a standstill now.
Now hush.
[Quack-like Snoring]
[Snoring Continues]
[Furious Quacking]
[Nervous Chuckle]
Good night.
Good night.
I'm gonna put my foot
on top of yours...
and don't you move once
the rest of the night.
Hello. Hey, Julius.
Would you like
to make five bucks?
Fifty samelkas?
Well, what do
I have to do for...
Shh, shh!
Take off your shoe.
I wanna use your foot.
My feet?
Shh. Foot. Come on.
[Duck-like Snoring
You're not asleep, are ya?
[Quiet Gasp]
I've gotta talk to ya.
Maybe I've got no right,
but after tonight, well...
no matter who gets hurt,
we've gotta face it:
We belong to each other.
Honey, please talk to me.
You see, Mickey, l...
Gee, you look tired.
I gue...
Listen, Mama...
Mr. Kidley!
Well l... I gue...
I was... And...
[Nervous Chuckle]
I was...
Wrong room, I guess.
[Shuffling, Thudding]
[Horn Honking]
[Overlapping Arguments]
Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
Now, you all got to stop
pickin' on Mr. Kidley.
It's like he's been tryin'
to tell ya, he's sittin'
here digestin' himself.
And if you don't stop
screamin' at him, it's
liable to happen right here...
and then
you'll be sorry.
I don't care!
I don't care
if he's digesting
his entire family!
I am insulted!
I am the one
that is being squeezed.
Right under my nose,
on my own wedding day...
she marries this gentleman
in the red pajamas.
Then when he goes pfft,
she marries this gentleman
in the striped pajamas.
And where am I?
I am standing around
with egg on my face!
And if he has egg on his face,
somebody's tossed
a whole omelette on mine.
I don't like it.
Oh, but Mr. Kidley
doesn't love you.
Look what he did:
Rather than marry you,
he married me.
Yeah, that's the part of this
whole thing that burns me up.
Mr. Kidley, what I wanna know
is what're you gonna do about
this mess you got us into?
Well, it's all
very simple.
You're all taken care of
in my will.
How so?
Henry, I'm not gonna waste a lot
of time telling you how much
I admire you, because I don't.
But I'm gonna leave you
enough money to choke a horse,
and I hope it does choke ya.
[Dinnerware Clanks]
Mr. Kidley, I resent that!
We are now where we started,
still with egg over my face.
I know.
I'm wiping that off
in paragraph three.
Marriage with you is
a business proposition,
and I've ruined your business.
So I'm prepared to marry you.
I mean, [Chuckles]
Pay you off in full.
Mr. Kidley, Prince Alexis
Cassandro Michael Smirnov
thanks you.
I do not wish to talk like
a peasant, but there is
something that I must know.
Tell me, how soon do you
expect to go pfft?
Poor Mr. Kidley's only 18
days left. Haven't you,
poor Mr. Kidley?
Yes, any time now.
What do you mean,
There's a little thing known
as breach of promise. You won't
mind if I send my lawyers?
That won't be necessary.
I've taken care of that
in paragraph six.
You go out and buy yourself
a nice solid-gold
shooting gallery.
Oh, John!
I'm sentimentally touched.
I'll see that they put flowers
on you every Father's Day.
[Chuckling] Yes, l...
She probably gets 'em
What I want to know is...
Shut up, Henry. Mr. Kidley,
I guess this just about
takes care of everything.
Folks, let's get out of here and
leave the honeymooners alone.
Come on, Henry.
Well, I'm one
of the honeymooners!
Oh, shut up
and get outta here!
All of my clothes are...
Mr. Kidley... you have
promised me to die.
I am warning you that
I will be around personally
to see that you do it.
[Weak Chuckle]
[Clicks Heels]
I may call you Henry,
mayn't I?
Yes, ma'am, and I'll
call you Mrs. Marko.
Well, Henry,
when Mr. Kidley...
I mean, when it happens,
you'll come into quite a
tidy sum, won't you, Henry?
Mm... Yes, ma'am,
I guess I will.
Dear Henry,
I want you and Mrs. Kidley
to be very happy.
If things don't work out,
it may make it easier
for you to know...
that there'll always be
someone waiting for you.
There will?
You're a very
attractive man, Henry.
I mustn't say any more
than that right now.
Well, you're kind of pretty
yourself, Mrs. Marko.
That's sweet of you.
Henry, if you don't mind
my suggesting it,
I could have my lawyers...
they're very good...
go over Mr. Kidley's will.
Just watching out
for your interests.
Well, doggone it, ma'am...
and me just meetin' ya...
that sure is kind.
Mighty kind.
?? [Whistling]
?? [Joins In]
Good morning, ma'am.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning, Jeepers.
Your mail, sir,
from Bad Gaswasser.
Just throw it away.
Oh, but, sir,
there may be
something important.
Nothing is important,
Jeepers, but living.
That's the spirit, sir.
I noticed a change in you
the moment I arrived.
Yes, you can thank
Mickey for that.
Thank you, Mickey...
Uh, Mrs. Kidley.
Okay, Jeepers.
Yes, sir, if I may say so,
you're bubbling over, sir...
just bubbling over.
That's the coffee,
Uh, Jeepers, will you order
some more heavy cream?
Very good, sir.
? One day in springtime
their love dream came true ??
Mr. Kidley, isn't there
somethin' that you get
a great big kick out of doin'?
I mean, there's not much time
before you D-l-E.
And I just want you to
remember these last few days
as long as you live.
Well, there's one...
Let's see...
Do you mind if I write on this?
It's from that druggist.
What druggist?
You know,
in Bad Gaswasser.
He probably wants
to sell me something.
"Kipper, a dog."
Yeah, yeah. He wants
to sell you a dog.
Say, that's
a pretty hairdo.
Thank you.
Well, we're going to
figure out right now what
to do with your last 18 days.
Uh... Have you ever
seen the Sphinx?
No. Is it good?
Well, we're
gonna see it.
We? Henry too?
No, we don't want him around
our Sphinx. He'll only
start whittlin' on it.
Sphinx. One day.
What's he
so sorry about?
What's who what?
This druggist.
He sure is sorry.
"Had your acidity test
mixed with a dog's...
Say, I know where we could spend
about six days. There must be
a bicycle race around here.
Mr. Kidley, listen.
Listen. "Kipper, whose name
sounds not unlike your own"...
Mr. Kidley, Kipper's a dog.
You're not.
Well, I mean, it...
It says so right here.
Y-Y-You got all mixed up
with Kipper.
Listen, listen.
"I am happy to report
that both you and the dog
are entirely normal."
Oh. Well, you're both
all right!
Oh, well, sure. I wouldn't want
to buy a dog...
Wha... Wha... Wha...
"I am happy to report
that both you and the dog
are entirely normal.
It's wonderful!
You're not gonna die!
You're both all right."
You're gonna live!
Hooray! It's wonderful!
It's great! That's marvel...
Or is it?
Of course it is.
I know, but that gang...
I promised them
I was gonna kick off.
They're gonna be sore
about this.
Tell 'em you were only foolin'.
Fooling with
an Olympic pistol champion
and a duelist?
If I don't die on time
something serious is liable
to happen to me.
Here. Nobody will know anything
happened; what it's all about.
We won't tell anybody
a thing.
Oh, Mr. Kidley, we...
Now we're really married.
I mean, just like
Ma and Pa and...
and Mrs. Marko and...
well, everybody.
Oh, yeah!
Y... Oh.
Oh, what about Henry?
Oh, yeah, Henry.
Well... Well, don't worry
about him. I'll...
I'll take care of him.
?? [Whistling]
Mr. Kidley.
Hello, Henry.
Could I speak to you
for a moment, please?
Sure. What's on your mind?
Well, it's about
Mickey and me too.
I ain't happy again.
What seems to be the trouble?
I know you don't like me
and I can't blame you for it.
But I like you.
Henry, I like you!
Let me finish, Mr. Kidley.
Here you are doin'
everything for me, and...
Well, I want you to know
you're one of the finest men
I ever met up with.
[Voice Cracking]
Well, Henry, I'm a...
I mean, I'm not really
like you say at all.
If you only knew me.
I'd double-cross my own...
Mr. Kidley,
I won't let you say a word
again' yourself.
I guess I know a man
when I see one.
I know I'm nothing but
a poor bus driver and...
Well, you could cut me out
with Mickey just like that...
[Snaps Fingers]
- If you wanted to.
- Well, I don't know, Henry.
Things are different now.
I mean, I just found out...
Shucks, Mr. Kidley.
You've done everything
to make me and Mickey happy...
and, well,
I guess you know
how I feel about her.
I guess you know
how I feel about you too.
Well, that's all.
I just had to let it out.
Except, I'd like to
shake your hand and
tell you how sorry I am...
for bein' such a fool
suspicionin' you.
Well, don't worry about
a thing. You're okay.
Thanks, Mr. Kidley.
Here, boy. I want you to
take this to Mr. Henry Munch.
Do you know him?
Yes, ma'am.
All right. Here is
something for you.
Thank you.
Hello, Mickey.
Oh, Mr. Kidley. I was
just going to find you.
Uh, look, Mickey,
I just sent...
I've been thinking
this whole thing over.
I mean,
now that I'm gonna live
and everything, l...
It kinda changes the whole
setup. It kinda puts
a different angle on it.
I don't know
what you mean.
Well, after all, we hardly
knew each other, and this
whole thing was a put-up job.
Marriage is a serious
sort of thing.
You mean you... you don't
want to be married to me,
Mr. Kidley?
Well, it was a lot of fun
and everything, but for it to be
for the rest of our lives, l...
- You mean you don't love me?
- Well, frankly, Mickey,
I guess I don't.
Naturally, I'll give you
the divorce.
You won't have any trouble.
And after everything's set,
you must go back to Henry.
Well, it...
It was nice being married
to you, Mr. Kidley...
even if we weren't, really.
Yeah, it was a lot of fun.
It's kind of a surprise.
I mean, l-I,
I thought it was gonna...
Well, l... I guess
that's the way things
are with things, huh?
Oh, sure.
Things have a way of always
turning out right, Mickey.
I'll be seeing you.
I have been double-crossed.
This dog man,
he is without honor.
He will be
walking the streets alive,
breathing the air...
listening to the birds,
going to the opera,
the movies.
While l...
What will I be doing
all that time?
Well, unless
you do something,
starting tomorrow...
Your Highness
will be rotting in jail.
Yeah, heh...
But what is there
to do?
What is there to do?
My friend,
there is only one thing.
you are even a bigger stinker
than I think.
Yes, but that
is all very fine.
But what good is it for me
to make him go pfft...
if to me they are going...
[Choking Sounds]
Your Highness,
you amaze me.
It's all very simple.
You make it look like
an affair of honor.
It will not be
your first duel.
he is in the bag.
Crepe suzette?
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, Mickey.
Oh, you're... you're going.
I mean, those are your bags?
Yes. They're my bags.
Well... good-bye,
Mr. Kidley.
Well, you're really going.
Well, good-bye.
L-I'll be thinking
a lot about you.
I'll be thinking about
you too, Mr. Kidley.
Mr. Kidley.
You have tricked us.
Oh, this. Smirnov, I didn't
know myself. This is all...
That's right. Until yesterday,
he thought he was a dog.
This is wasting time.
Yes. Mr. Kidley,
I do not like your face.
Yeah, well,
if you had a face,
I wouldn't like it either.
That is an insult,
All right. Mr. Kidley,
I challenge you...
Now, wait a minute!
I apologize. And I also
apologize for that poke
I gave you after the wedding.
What are you
apologizing for?
Don't take that from him.
He's trying to pick a fight
with me. He wants to
shoot me full of holes.
Oh! Well, well, don't
get mad at him. Smile.
Something physical.
Mr. Kidley, if I should
take this pigeonette...
and push it in your face,
what will you do?
Why, I'd get so mad,
I'd probably...
How mad?
Uh, well, sorta mad.
Not very!
No, I'd be more hurt
than anything else.
I'd probably go away
and never speak to you again.
[Poultry Clanks Plate]
[Inaudible Whispering]
Why, you...
[Nervous Laughing]
How do you like that?
- Not bad. I like it.
- Yeah, that's very cute.
Do it to me, Mr. Smirnov.
[Both Laughing]
Are they wearing this type
this year? Ah... l...
Why, you,
I oughta push in your...
Push in my what?
Oh, you can't make him mad,
no matter what you do.
[Nervous Giggle]
Very good natured.
[Both Laugh]
Nothing bothers him.
Does it?
All right, Mickey.
I think we sold him.
All right.
This time I think up
something for myself.
Your dessert, monsieur.
Crepe suzette.
Mrs. Kidley,
I do not like your shoes...
I do not like
your dress...
and I do not like
your hat.
Oh! My new hat!
How do you like that,
Mr. Kidley?
Why you, l...
Let it go!
Let it go? Just a minute!
This gentleman here!
Now perhaps, uh?
Your Highness,
you're a cutie.
[Crowd Exclaiming]
Everybody is a witness!
I have been insulted!
Oh, no! You haven't been
insulted yet. You have to
be good natured too.
and asparagus
and peas.
Now you have been
Oh, you did it for me!
That proves it:
You do love me.
Sure I do, Mickey.
But what's the difference now?
Now, listen, Smirnov...
[Mickey] We didn't mean it.
We didn't mean to throw
all those things on you.
Mr. Kidley, my seconds
will call on you.
We meet at dawn
at the Three Dead Oaks.
I'm sure I'll never
find the place.
We will take you there.
[Clicks Heels]
Did he say "Dead Oaks"?
Dead Oaks.
Mr. Kidley.
Please to stand up at
that end of the field.
That end?
His Highness does not like to
shoot with the sun in his eyes.
Oh, that's all ri...
How do you like that?
That guy Smirnov kills me.
You said it.
He's supposed to be my second.
He's supposed to be on my side,
isn't he?
Oh, those are the...
This way, sir.
He will be ready soon.
Don't hurry him.
Very good.
Reload, please.
Only this time with
a little more umph!
What are you doin' now?
I'm reloading
the pistols.
With real bullets?
Yes, madam.
The kind that spread.
Jeepers, stop shaking.
I don't know why
you worry about this.
I'm in great condition. You
know that. This kind of a thing
wouldn't bother me a second.
I just... Jeepers, l...
Ivan, massage
the arm there.
No, no. Massage
the trigger finger.
All right.
Mr. Kidley!
Oh, John!
John, wait!
Hey, Jeepers!
Oh, John!
Oh, John, dear.
These are from us.
Me too, Mr. Kidley.
Ain't it wonderful?
We're gonna be married.
She swept me
right off my feet.
I can't believe it myself.
He's whittled his way
right into my heart.
Yeah, we found the bonds
you left me, Mr. Kidley.
Oh, no. This time
it's really love, John.
Good-bye, John.
Good-bye. Good-bye?
You got everything
all fixed now?
All you got to do
is tell him this:
There's a cross on
the muzzle of the pistol
with the bullet...
and a nick on
the handle of the pistol
with the blank.
Oh, I see. Oh, yeah.
That's great.
Gimme that again.
There's a cross on
the muzzle of the pistol
with the bullet...
and a nick on
the handle of the pistol
with the blank.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
There's a cross
on the muzzle...
It is a question of honor.
I will call you.
...and a cross...
No, a nick on a bullet.
Huh-uh. On the handle.
Cross on the muzzle of
the pistol with the bullet, and
a nick on the handle of the...
Courage, sir.
Mr. Kidley!
You're not
gonna die!
I'm not gonna die?
You're not gonna be shot.
Oh, that's fine!
Let's get outta here!
No, wait a minute.
Jeepers, you stand
right over here.
Don't let them see us.
Promise me.
No, miss.
I fixed it, see.
You have?
When you pick out the gun,
remember this.
Remember: There's a cross
on the muzzle of the pistol
with the bullet...
And a mick on
the nandle...
I mean, a nick on
the handle of the pistol
with the blank.
Oh, Mickey.
Give that again, quick.
There's a muzzle on the cross
of... I mean, a cross on
the muzzle of the... on the...
this is my life.
I'll save it.
There's a...
Don't get excited now.
we cannot lose.
One of the pistols
has no bullet in it.
It is marvelous!
But how do you know
which one?
It's very simple.
There is a cross on
the muzzle of the pistol
with the bullet...
and a nick on the handle
of the pistol with the blank.
Brilliant, Your Highness.
Superb. What an idea.
A nick on the muzzle
of the pistol with the...
No, no, no.
I said, there is
a nick on the handle.
Your Highness
distinctly said,
a cross on the handle.
No, no. I said, there is
a nick on the bullet on
the handle... You see?
[Man] Attention.
The principals will now proceed
to the center of the field.
Mr. Kidley, please!
They're ready
for you, sir.
All right.
All right.
I've got it. And a mistol
on the nozzle of the pistol
with the blank.
There is a cross
on the handle of the muzzle
with the bullet.
No. There is
a cross on the handle
of the nickel... nizzle?
No! And a nick on
the pullet of the whistle
with the blank.
Yeah, all right.
Stand away. I think
I've got it. Yeah.
There's a noss on
the crizzle of the mistol
with the pillet...
and a pullet on
the nozzle of the nickel
with the blank.
There's a cross on the puzzle
of the mistol with the bullet.
There's a...
[Both Click Heels]
select your weapons.
- There is a nickel
in the cuzzle...
- Huddle on the...
handle of the bullet
with the pretzel.
Here, here, gentlemen.
Come, come.
There's a cuzzle on the muzzle
of the bullet with the blanket...
and a whistle on the panel
of the noodle with the cross.
Shut up!
You shut up!
Now, really, gentlemen.
This is no time
for incantations. What?
- Cross!
- [Whispers] No!
- The cross on the muzzle!
- And a nick on the handle
of the pistol with the blank.
Yeah, blank.
Ah, ah, ah.
Would you like to trade
pistols? I'll give you
mine and $40, Mr. Smirnov.
Thank you, I am
very well satisfied.
I can't shoot with mine.
I'm left-handed.
It will not make
any difference
which hand you use.
take your places.
On the word march,
you will...
You dropped your pistol.
No, you dropped yours!
On the word march,
you will start walking.
At ten paces
you will turn and fire.
Ready? March.
One, two... No, no!
Doesn't he know
the rules?
Oh, Mr. Kidley.
Are you going to go
through with this?
Or do you wish to be
branded as a coward?
Very well, then.
Ready again.
One, two, three, four...
five, six, seven, eight,
Don't hurry.
Take careful aim.
Nine, ten!
[Crowd Chattering Excitedly]
What kind of blanks
are these?
Gee, Mrs. Marko,
that sure was white of ya.
You sure can shoot too.
Always remember that,
Henry my love.
Oh, Mr. Kidley!
You did it! You shot the hand
right out of his revolver!
Yeah! Imagine what
I'd have done to him if
I'd had a bullet in it.
Oh, John,
you're wonderful.
Gee, Mr. Kidley,
I got so excited,
l... I called you John.
Oh... that's okay,
Mrs. Kidley.