Next Door (1994) Movie Script
[BOYS TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
BOY 1: Man, you're cheating.
BOY 2: You're out of bounds.
BOY 1: You're out of bounds.
BOY 2: No, I'm not.
BOY 1: Cheater.
Hey, you get back.
BOY 1: Get back!
BOY 2: No way!
[DOG BARKING]
Yes, you are.
I shot you right
in the head again.
I got you, I got you,
I got you.
You missed me
by a mile.
Then how come
you're wet?
Because we're standing
in the sprinklers, dork.
You're cheating.
MARCI: Sparky!
You're cheating.
Sparky, get in
here for dinner.
I'm coming.
You get in here now!
I'm coming!
Right, and so is time travel.
Hey!
I'll be back.
Come on, Toby,
let's go home.
I'm home.
[MARCI LAUGHS]
Matt, they're
sprinkling again.[GASPS]
Really?
Really? He...
He watered all afternoon.
What are you doing?
Nothing. I was...
Were you watching them?
What? No, I was just walking
by the window and...
Amazing.
[MOANING]
MATT: Oh.
KAREN: They're at it again.
Ah.
Again?
So... You've watched
them before.
No.
Yes, you have.
Come on.
Okay, once or twice.
Hmm.
But this doesn't feel right.
I feel like a peeping Tom.
Oh, and that
bothers you?
See, this is okay
because we...
We are teachers.
And we are supposed
to fulfill this thirst
for knowledge that we have.
And it's like a social
science experiment.
Observing real people.
Studying, uh...
[MARCI LAUGHING]
Our fellow man...
...and woman.
Ah.
Maybe there are things
we're better off not knowing.
[MOANING CONTINUES]
Bucky, time for
bed, sweetie.
Okay.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Toby was just
stuffy, so...
I opened
the window for him.
Oh, good, good.
Who's your pal?
You are.
Who else?
And Dad.
Who else?
And Toby.
Good night, Toby.
Go to sleep.
Good night, Mom. Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[MARCI MOANING LOUDLY]
Show's over?
Got a notice from
the college today.
Faculty housing
is available again.
No, thank you.
Really?
Well, do you want
to know what Bucky
was doing upstairs?
He was looking
out the window.
Watching Lenny and Marci
go at it.
You're kidding.
You mean, he was, like,
peeping on the neighbs?
Yeah.
Well, he's a kid,
it's age appropriate.
Starts when you're 10,
it lasts till you die.
Oh, a guy thing.
Exactly.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, these people
are not like us, Matt.
That's right, honey,
they're not like us because
they are real people, okay.
Oh, what is that
supposed to mean?
They are working people,
salt of the Earth.
An honest day's pay for
an honest day's work.
Nothing wrong with living
among people like that.
That's kind of neat.
Neat?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
We've been here
a year now, right?
Right.
So do you know what
Lenny does for a living?
Yeah, I know,
he's a butcher.
And you're
a college professor?
And you're a big snob.
And you're an idiot.
You're... You're looking
for trouble.
Yeah.
Sparky, come on.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Hey, Spark. Come here.
Come on.
Oh, no, no.
Mom, come on.
All right, go.
Get in the car.
You look good,
baby girl.
You look good too,
lamb chop.
That's because I am
looking at you, baby girl.
I'm looking at you
too, lamb chop.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
[EXHALES]
So...
Did Mom talk to you
about watching
the Benedetti's last night?
A little. You're going to
talk to me about it too?
LENNY: Hiya, Matt.
A little. Hey, Lenny.
You see, I think
it's perfectly normal
for, you know...
You got to be curious about
that kind of thing.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Don't feel bad about it.
We all do it.
It's a guy thing.
Did you do it when
you were a kid?
What, are you joking?
Of course I did.
Do you do it now?
Get in the car, Bucky.
This is going to be
a little longer talk
than I thought.
Dr. Coler?
Did somebody
ask about finals?
GIRL: I did.
Why?
Because our grades
depend on it.
Your grades depend on
your ability to think.
Your grades
do not depend on
your answers to 1,238,892
multiple choice questions
drawn from a book by one of
the department's secretaries,
thank you very much.
Well, does that mean, like,
we're not giving
a humongous exam?
Do I look like the kind
of guy who believes in,
"Like, humongous exams"?
[ALL LAUGH]
I do not believe
in cramming.
I do not believe
in cribbing.
I do not believe
in all-nighters,
except of course
with a pretty girl.
No sexual harassment
lawsuits, please.[ALL LAUGH]
Humor is still,
believe it or not, protected
by the First Amendment.
Until, of course,
the next election.
Now if I were to
give a final exam,
it would be with no
preparation at all.
And it would be one big,
if I may
paraphrase you, sir,
"humongous" question.
Something like...
"Tell me everything
you know about William
Shakespeare's Macbeth."
[STUDENTS GROAN]
No, was that too big?
Okay, then how about this?
Lady Macbeth...
You got a minute?
"Lady Macbeth,
pre-modern feminist
"or classic
"power-hungry bitch?"
[ALL LAUGH]
That would be
a good one, yeah.
Yeah, and I do it
like a pop quiz,
just out of the blue.
In fact, that's it,
that's right,
that's the one.
Lady Macbeth,
blah-blah-blah,
blah-blah-blah...
And why?
Ladies and gentleman,
take out your pencils.
This is your
final examination.
And begin.
Hey is this line
speeding, huh?
Who the hell is
speeding the line?
Lenny, call for you.
Is this line
speeding, huh?
We're working a side
every 12 minutes.
Twelve minutes.
You looking at this watch?
You want a better view?
We're way behind
from the lay-off.
Right, well,
that's not my problem.
That's the management's
problem, all right.
Okay, I'm coming.
I told you this
line was speeding.
Hey, Buckeroo.
I got a little something.
Hey, neighbor.
Hey, Tob. Hey, Lenny.
How you doing?
Where is it?
I got a little something.
I got a little something.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Cool.
Is that a basketball?
Yeah.
MATT: Come on, right here.
All right. B-ball.
Hey.
Hey, why don't you and
Sparky take it out back
and give it a test drive?
Nah, I'm not too
good at basketball.
What are you
talking about?
Of course, you're
good at B-ball.
He's terrific.
Come on, pass him the ball.
Come on, Bucky.
Pass it off.
Give him.
MATT: Oh, I got it,
I got it.
LENNY: You want to play?
Lenny, could you turn
your sprinkler down
just a little?
My lawn
needs a lot of water.
Rice paddies need
a lot of water, okay.
Lawns actually
don't need that much water.
And, you see, I got
these azaleas here,
and they just...
They hate water, okay?
So, if you don't mind,
I'm just going
to pull your sprinkler
back just a tad.
Is that okay?
Yeah, fine.
Good.
Okay, here we go, Spark.
Let's play some ball.
Okay.
Come on.
We got
the ball first.
LENNY: Come on, Sparky.
Shoot it up, come on.
Now look.
Look at the rim, okay?
Focus on the rim.
Give it a real good look.
Look at the rim. All right,
now shoot it, come on.
Rocky, get home.
Get out of here, go!
You know what, Lenny?
Why don't we just
let the kids play ball
and you know...
No, no, no.
Look, we can all play.
We can play
fathers and sons, huh?
Hey, Bucky.
You want to play
fathers and sons, huh?
Sure.
Yeah.
I don't know.
You know,
I just got home from work,
I got my jacket on...
You're fine.
You got shoes with rubber
soles on them, come on.
We'll all play.
It'll be fun.
Come on, try to shoot
it over me, come on.
BUCKY: All right.
Yes.
Let's try that again.
Oh, yeah.
Come on, try it again from
the foul line right there.
Yeah, the foul line
right there.
Where?
Right here.
Right here?
Yeah.
BUCKY: Come on, Dad.
LENNY: Yeah, try it again.
Rejected!
Rejection!
BUCKY: Why don't
you guys play?Yeah, okay, let's play.
[GRUNTING]
Damn it.
[LAUGHS]
MATT: Yeah!
BUCKY: Get him,
get him, Dad.
D up.
D up, let me bring
it in. D up.
Bring it in.
Here, how about that?
Yeah. For two.
Yeah. For two.
Dad is the
greatest, for two.
Come on, Dad. Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's a foul.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dad.
Damn it.
LENNY: You want it, huh?
You okay?
LENNY: Want to call a foul?
Oh, Dad,
you're bleeding.
You want to call a foul?
MATT: No!
Call it a foul, come on.
Come on, get up.
No, I'm okay.
Don't play, don't play.
No, I'm okay, give
me the ball. Come on.
Just give me, give me.
I'll give you
another chance.
D up, Dad.
One more basket to win it.
D up. Come on.
LENNY: He steals the ball.
Dad, come on,
come on, get him.
Yeah! Game point!
Game point! Yeah!
Good game, Lenny.
Good game, my foot.
It was a great game.
It was a monster game.
You two guys
just got beat
by the magnificent Benedetti!
[YELLING]
MARCI: Lenny, Sparky.
Two minutes to dinner.
Okay, baby girl.
LENNY: We showed
them, didn't we?SPARKY: Yeah.
My hero.
We lost.
Ah.
BUCKY: He cheated.
Yeah.
Yeah?
That's the way
he plays the game.
We'll get him
next time.
Man, you should
have elbowed him
right in the face.
Hit the showers.
Son...
Good game.
I didn't even play.
KAREN: How was the game?
The man is a total jerk.
Ow.
Yeah.
Yeah, well,
the man's wife invited
us over for barbecue.
We're busy, okay.
[SCREAMING] Ow, ow, ow!
Ow, ow, ow!
I'm too busy, we
can't do this... Ow!
Yeah, well, I told them
Sunday would be good.Are you joking?
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Sunday is my golf game.
I want to play with the
guys. I don't want to
go over next door...
I know, I know, I know.
...to some Neanderthal...
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
But we're just going
to stroll over there.
We're going to
seize an opportunity
and we're going to
discuss that damn sprinkler
of theirs.
Okay, you know
what, I'll do this
but I don't want to seem
offended or annoyed,
so just try to...
No, no, no, no.
...ease into the
sprinkler thing.
Okay, just... [GROANS]
Just going to
discuss things.
Real people
discuss things.Yes.
They do.
Yes, they do, okay.
And we're just going
to ease into it though
while we're discussing,
you know...
Meat.
Hi.
Hey, neighbor.
Hey, guys.
Just in time.
Karen, you're all wet.
Yeah, well...
Because...
That's because we had
to use the driveway
and kind of duck under
the sprinklers there.
And you know, Lenny, I was
kind of wondering,
do you think maybe there's
just a skosh too much water
on that lawn there?
No!
Well, it's killing
our azaleas.
Could you just not
mention that, the azaleas,
this one time?
Okay, that's all I've ever
asked in this whole marriage.Boys!
Here we go.
Thanks, Mom.
Okay, you can watch TV,
down in the basement.
Go, scoot, scoot.
Oh, this is great.
He's cooking an entire
herd of cattle.
This is great.
[SNIFFS] Ah. Perfecto.
Well, come on, guys,
sit down, little closer
to the food here.
Karen, you like
a big piece of meat, huh?
There's plenty more
where this came from.
Thank you.
Little bit of ketchup.
That's good, thank you.
Good.
Real meat.
That's one of the perks of
being married to a butcher,
isn't it, lamb chop?
It sure is, baby girl.
[MOANING]
Of course, Karen here gets
to be teacher's pet,
don't you, Karen?
Well...
Well, the perks
are more like,
you know, being able to
make love in the afternoon.
[LAUGHTER]
Wow, really?
All I get is this.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, you two are
just so real.
What? I don't mean
that in a bad way.
When I say real, it's not
a negative value judgment,
or anything...
It's just a...
Oh, boy. I'm not
doing a very good
job of explaining myself.
Um, just forget it.
I'm sorry.
No, hold on.
I know what you mean.
I work with my hands,
you two work
with your mind.
So it isn't just hours
and paychecks
you have to compare,
but certain fundamental
assumptions, right?
Lenny had a 160 IQ
in high school.
A 160 IQ?
Uh-huh.
That's high.
Wow, the family secret.
Hey, cat's out of
the bag, big guy.
Hey, it's okay, really.
I like being a butcher.
Just fine, just fine.
Well, it's not such
a dumb thing to be, really.
It's just
fundamentally different.
You know, like,
you two here write in
chalk on a blackboard.
And sometimes
the chalk squeaks
in your fingers.
[SQUEAKS]
I know. Don't you hate
the way that feels?
Back in Chicago,
where I started out,
it gets really cold
in the winters
and we worked
outside, Karen,
and sometimes
your fingers, they
would just turn to ice.
And just when you thought
you couldn't move
them anymore,
another truck
would come in.
And all the young
guys, they'd groan.
But all the old guys,
they'd run right
for that truck.
Because they knew
that it was filled with
fresh kill straight from
the slaughter house.
And we'd pull
out a calf
and the carcass was
still warm to the touch.
We'd crack its back right
there on the loading dock
and the steam would come
rising up out of the calf.
Real steam.
Warm your fingers
right over it.
And it is goddamn hard
to explain how that feels
to people who work in chalk
and a blackboard.
Green, Lenny.
They're green boards now.
It's easier on the eyes.
Yeah, well...
Everything changes.
We hardly get
fresh kills anymore.
Oh, my God! Would somebody
change the subject please?
Yeah.
Yeah, I got a little, uh...
A little brain teaser here
for you, Mr. 160 IQ.
Uh-oh.
Is this going to be one of
those trick questions?
No.
All you got
to do is think.
Just requires a little
logic that's all.
Matt collects
these conundrums.
They're mental puzzles. If...
If you can't get them
don't feel bad.
They're really hard.
I don't get most of them.
Well, fire away, Matt.
A guy's on the run
in the jungle.
Okay?
He knows that two tribes
live in the area.
One tribe always
tells the truth.
And the other
tribe always lies.
And the liars
are cannibals.
Now, he comes to
a fork in the road.
Okay?
And there's this,
like, native warrior standing
there at the fork of the road.
Okay, now this guy
knows if he goes
to the truth teller village,
he's safe. And if he goes
to the liars' village,
he's dinner. And he has
no way of knowing
whether this
warrior, standing on the fork
of the road is a truth teller
or a liar, and
he's only got time
to ask one question.
What is the
question he asks?
Could you
get me some?
Which way to
the liars' village?
LENNY: Oh, no.
Why the liars'?
I don't know, I mean,
I guessed, I thought.
Come on, Matt. Tell them the
question that the guy asks.
The guy says...
No, no, wait. Don't tell,
I am working on it.
Thanks.
[LAUGHS]
I got it.
He asks the guy,
which way to
your village?
Oh, Matt. Give
him the right answer.
Put him out of his misery.
What is it?
That... That actually
is the right answer.
Yeah. Yeah. You see,
if you ask the truth teller
which way to his village
he is going to point you
to the truth teller's village.
But if you ask the liar
which way to his village,
he's going to lie about it
and point you to
the truth teller's.
So it doesn't
matter which
tribe the warrior is from,
if you ask him which
way to your village,
he's always going to point
you to the right way to go.
Lenny, that is such
good thinking.
Well done.
Such good thinking.
LENNY: That's not a lie.
That's great.
Never thought that out.
It's very good.
It's excellent, uh, logic.
[LENNY AND MARCI MOANING]
Okay.
So the first game
goes to me.
How about best two
out of three?
Okay, okay.
Um...
Hats five.
A guy... A guy
wears five hats.
Yes, two red hats
and three blue hats.
No, no, no, I get
to pick this one.
Okay. Fire away.
How about arm wrestling?
No.
Arm wrestle.
Let's go.
No, I don't think...
No, not arm wrestling.
LENNY: Oh, come on,
it'll be fun.
Arm wrestling.
What's the big deal?
Yeah, you two guys
can arm-wrestle too.
No, no, no.
No, this is okay
because I got to tell
you, I used to be
the arm wrestling
champion of Francis Lewis.
LENNY: Junior High School?
Why were you...
Sparky! Don't you get
those cushions wet.
Sparky, do you
want a smack?
Lenny, it's just
outdoor furniture.
It's meant to get wet.
Excuse me, but I don't need
mildew on my cushions.
Sparky! Damn it!
I'll take care of this.
Excuse me,
hey, Sparky.
Sparky, can I just
see this for a second?
How does this work?
Kind of like that?
[LAUGHS]
MATT: Take that, Bucky boy.
Go around, Bucky.
MATT: Come here. Aha! Die!
Your husband's a child.
Yeah, he's very
charming that way.
MATT: Die, legion scum!
I didn't say
he was child-like,
I said
the man's a child.
Excuse me.
Probably why
he teaches school.
What are you
talking about?
Lenny has a theory
about everything.
Don't you, lamb chop?
I sure do, baby girl.
You see, Karen,
we're powerless as kids
but, God Almighty,
when we are teachers,
aren't we so... I mean,
it's got to be kind of rushed,
to move over to the
other side of the desk,
don't you think?
It sort of keeps
a guy from growing up
and living a real life.
Don't you think?
MARCI: He doesn't
mean it like it sounds.
Well, actually I do.
[MATT GRUNTS]
MATT: Wounded.
Behind the back.
There we go.
I think I can teach Matt
a thing or two
about real life.
Really?
You don't know the first
thing about my husband.
Lenny.
Marci, thanks for
the barbecue.I'm sorry.
I didn't mean
anything by it.
It was just an observation.
KAREN: Let's go, Matt.
What an uptight bitch, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
So how does it feel
communicating with
real people, honey?
Hey, I didn't
have a bad time.
I mean, I had a good
time, didn't you?
You had a good time
with him,
because you feel
superior to them.
The reason
I had a good time...
[BOTH LAUGH]
I'll tell you why
I had a good time.
I had a good time because...
Just because...
Just because he gave
us a great barbecue.
Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
MARCI: Stupid, selfish
son of a bitch!Is that them?
Maybe we left the party
too soon. No, no, no.
No, no, this side of the bed
does not want you to go.
No, no, no, come back.
Matt.
MARCI: Get your hands
off of me!
LENNY: Come here!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
MATT: What's he doing?
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
KAREN: He just came
out on the front lawn.
The man is a beast.
I am a beast.
No, no, no, I...
You know,
I got to hand it to him.
He seems comfortable
in his own skin.
What does that mean?
KAREN: I just
get the feeling
that he knows
what he is doing.
MATT: Oh, really?
You think this
humanoid knows what he
is doing? That's great.
Okay. I have to
tell you something.
I don't think he's that
happy with what he's doing.
You mean, like, when he was
talking about the fresh kill.
Well, for example.
Yeah, he did
sound depressed.
Sad. Not depressed, okay.
People like Lenny don't get
depressed, they get sad.
And what do you think
is the difference?
People like us
get depressed, okay.
And it takes like
years of therapy.
Then we get better.
And people
like Lenny get sad
and that's a whole
lot easier to fix.
Yeah. Maybe not.
Yeah.
No, no, because, see,
you get a guy like Lenny
a six pack of beer
and you get him laid
and ba-boom,
he's a happy man again.
Would getting laid make
you a happy man again?
What? Would it help?
It couldn't hurt.
Hi, Marci.
Hey, Marci, um,
could you come over and
take a look and see
what your sprinkler's
doing over here?
Going shopping, Karen.
Want to come?
No, no, I can't. I'm
trying to save my azaleas.
You go and have fun.
How are your azaleas doing?
Yeah, well...
My azaleas, well,
they're all dead.
Water burnt, Matt,
all of them, they're gone.
Could you do something,
please, about this?
I've talked to him
half a dozen times.
He just doesn't get it.
Plant something else.
Yeah.
Like what?
Water lilies?
Well, what do you want
me to do about it, Karen?
Well, why don't you
go figure it out.
I don't know. You're the
full tenured professor.
Fine.
This is a bit childish,
isn't it?
Hey, he wants some water,
fine, here, here.
There, he can
have some water.
He's afraid of mildew, great.
He can grow penicillin
on his butt.
He's gonna feel like
he's married to
Esther Williams.
Here, okay,
you like water?
I got you water
right there, okay?
Here, fine.
That adult enough for you?
Marci!
Fucking shit.
Marci!
Fucking goddamn shit.
Lenny, yo.
Is there a problem?
You fucking goddamn shit.
Oh, good idea,
more water. Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
How do you like it?
Not fun, is it?
Hey, Lenny.
Right here, okay.
[INAUDIBLE]
You are as bad
as he is, you know.
In fact, you are worse
than he is because
you ought to know better.
Oh, I do know better.
I do, and that's why
he is out there slouching
on three feet of water
and I'm safe and sound
in my own house, okay.
Oh, shut the
window, shut it.
Oh, God.
[SCREAMS]
Okay, okay. Hey. Okay.
Truce, truce.
Stop.
Okay, truce.
Now we're even, okay?
Look.
Gee.
It's okay, we're even now.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
Look at this.
Lenny, what you doing?
Just watering this thirsty
little grass patch of ours.
You're not watering their
azaleas, are you, Lenny?
You look good, baby girl.
You look good too,
lamb chop.
That's because I am
looking at you, baby girl.
That's because I am looking
at you too, lamb chop.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
We don't need
no drive-in movies
Don't need no one
to show us how
Come on, girl,
let's get together
While the moon
is shining bright
I got a Chevy van
It looks like heaven
And it'll be our
home sweet home tonight
Matt!
Come here, quick.
What... What happened
to our garden?
We have to do
something now.
What happened to our garden?
What do you think
happened to our garden?
I don't... Oh, we
got to build a fence.
This is...
No, no, I'm not living
behind some wall.
This is ridiculous.
Got to do
something about him.
We got to do something
about him. This is...
What are you
planning to do?
I'm going to
slay the dragon.
Hey, neighbor.
Neighbor.
Nice hose.
Yeah. [LAUGHS]
You're right, Matt.
That's okay.
I've been meaning to
get a new one anyway.
Next time maybe get
a little shorter one.
Save the old azaleas.
[DOOR CLOSING]
Come on, everybody.
Let's go. We're going out
to dinner and I'm buying,
and why the sky's
the limit because...
Oh, we won.
Yes.
We won.
We got their hose.
We got their hose, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You two are so
clevered out...
Hey, you know what, he's
messing with the wrong guy.
God!
Damn it.
Damn it!
Damn it.
Hi, Matt.
He's been waiting
for you.
[EXHALES]
[TV PLAYING]
Hey, Matt.
It's getting
kind of expensive, Lenny.
You want to call it off?
Call what off?
It.
The water thing, this feud.
[SIGHS]
[REDUCES VOLUME]
You want to
just settle it up?
Yes, I do.
Let's just end it.
Marci, do have that
envelope for Matt?
Here you go, neighbor.
Sorry.
You'll find in there
a bill for a new set
of furniture cushions.
[CHUCKLES]
A bill.
We would appreciate
reimbursements
at your early as
possible convenience.
What about my car, Lenny?
You know what
it's going to cost to
refurbish that interior?
I don't now
anything about it.
Let's just
call it even, Lenny.
I'll forget it if you do.
I never forget
anything, Matt.
Never.
Really?
So what are you
going to do if I don't
pay the bill, Lenny?
You're going to just take me
down to Small Claims Court?
[CHUCKLES]
Hell, no, neighbor.
I'm going to take you out
in the backyard
and beat the piss out of you.
How much is it for?
Five hundred dollars.
What?
See, he didn't have the
receipts, said I would
have to trust him.
Said, however, he wasn't
going to bill me
for the hose.
Real sport.
Don't you
pay the bill.
Hey, you know what, Karen?
It's not like
we can't afford it
and if it buys a little
peace in the valley
then it's not such a...
Not such a bad idea.
It's 500 bucks, you know.
Don't you dare
pay the bill.
Okay.
You know what, Lenny?
Tell you what,
let's just...
Let's just do this,
like reasonable men.
Okay?
Just, you know, you and me,
man to man,
I'll tell you my problems,
you'll tell me your problems.
We'll come to
an understanding.
We'll communicate, it's like
couple of guys sitting
around and talking.
Lenny? You home?
Lenny.
Hello.
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi, it's Matt,
from next door.
[BARKING]
Rocky. Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Rocky, good dog.
Hi.
Good dog,
quite a watchdog.
Come on, down,
down, down.Is, uh...
Is Lenny home?
Oh, no, he took
Bucky and Spark
to the mall.
He took Bucky?
Sit.
Sit down.
Uh, Marci.
You know that, uh...
You know that
thing about, uh...
MARCI: Sit. Good dog.
...lawn furniture?
There's got to be
a better way to work this
out, don't you think?
Oh, that's a good doggie,
that's a good doggie.
What a good doggie
you are.
Anyway, could you
tell Lenny that I...
That I stopped by?
I'd like to just sit down
with him at a table
and kind of work
this thing out.
Just, kind of,
man to man, okay?
You want a cup of coffee?
MATT: No, no, I got to...
I got to get out of here.
Whoa, whoa.
On top of everything that
is going on around here,
you are not going to hurt
my feelings, are you?
MARCI: Now where did
that... Oh, there it is.
I'm so happy that we
are finally friends.
For the longest time,
Lenny and I
thought that you two
were too stuck up
to even talk to us.
Oh, no, not at all.
It's just...
You know, work and
other things.
Mmm-hmm.
Lenny really likes Karen.
Mmm.
[SNIFFS] Ugh.
It's good, 'cause she
likes you guys too.
He thinks your wife
is very classy.
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, he finds her
very appealing.
Well, I do too.
Thank you.
I don't know why Lenny
keeps watering you people.
He's mad as hell
about you not paying
that bill on his furniture.
But between you and me,
I don't think
that's his problem.
Well, what is his problem?
Don't know.
No, I don't want any...
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Lenny tell you that
he went to college?
No, did he?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, on a scholarship.
Didn't work out.
He got thrown
out of school.
He had what you
might call, um,
a little "exchange"
with a professor.
What kind of exchange?
Well, the guy gave
Lenny a "C," so Lenny
gave the guy a black eye.
Lenny is a very
stubborn guy, Matt.
You know, he probably keeps
watering your garden
because you keep
telling him not to.
Do you know
what I mean?
No, I don't know
what you mean.
Lenny is a creature
of the heart.
He feels things
very deeply.
He takes thing very,
very seriously.
Matt, can I show
you something?
Sure.
Oh, another one.
Lenny did it himself.
How sweet.
How sweet.
Yeah.
It hurt like hell.
I don't want Bucky
playing next door anymore.
That's crazy.
Sparky is his best friend,
they're at the mall now.
Yeah, well, I know they're
at the mall but when
they get back from the mall
I don't want him playing
over there anymore.
Those Benedetti's
are a bunch of lunatics.
No, they're not lunatics,
they're real people remember?
Yeah, a little
too real, okay.
You know that Marci Benedetti
has these little red hearts
tattooed right on her,
you know, bosoms.
Oh, do tell, and how
do we know this?
Well, you... You kind of
had to be there.
She showed you
her breasts?
Well, she didn't just like,
you know, whip them out.
I went over to talk
to Lenny about all this
watering business
and the next
thing I know,
I'm being stared down
by this pair of,
you know, valentines.
Okay, I am not
going to sit here
and defend Marci because
this whole ridiculous
feud is your fault,
you started it.
Are you on acid?
You...
No, are you insane?
He started it.
You watered
his furniture.
No, he watered
your azaleas.
No, no, no.
The azaleas.
You soaked his furniture
because you got caught
up in this stupid,
macho competition.
Oh!
That is not...
[KNOCK ON WINDOW]
Kids are out back.
Yo, Matt.
How about some B-ball?
Not now, Lenny,
because we're...
You know...
Oh, come on.
Come on, let's start over.
Let's start fresh.
Come on.
Two neighbors, okay.
Come on.
Okay. See you out back.
All right.
Great.
Okay, Lenny.
D-up.
I don't want your
fucking ball.
And I don't want you
paying visits to my wife
when I'm not at home.
I was looking for you.
I don't fucking appreciate
guys visiting my wife
when I'm not at home.
So I guess this means
we're not playing basketball.
Don't you ever talk
down to me, man.
Don't you ever
fucking patronize me.
Come on, Lenny,
get a grip.
You can't win, Teach.
And you know
why you can't win?
Because Lenny Benedetti
is not one of your pathetic
little college students
that you can
put in a corner
or send off
to the dean.
You want to stop me, man...
Hey, Lenny.
...you got to do
it man to man.
And I'm a better fucking
man than you, understand?
I'm a better man than you.
Okay.
God, what is
your problem?
Hey.
Lenny, look.
You're in this
fight all by yourself.
You hear me?
It takes two to tango, Lenny,
and I'm not dancing.
I'm not going
to fight with you.
How come you can't come
over to my house anymore?
My Dad won't let me.
Why not?
Because he's fighting
with your dad.
We can go to the park.
I don't know. I don't
think my dad will let me.
Man, your dad's an asshole.
No, he's not, yours is.
Well, so what if he is.
'Cause my dad can beat up
your dad anytime he wants.
Oh, so you're saying
that your dad
doesn't suck or anything?
Hey, you shut up
about my dad.
No, you shut up!
No, you shut up!
No, you shut
the fuck up.
[DOG BARKING]
BUCKY: Man,
what's your problem?
MATT: Yeah, so?
What did you say then?
I just walked off.
Sparky is an asshole.
Well, that's nice.
Hey, you know,
the language thing,
you're kind of
like a little kid.
Don't you think
you should avoid
that lousy talk?
MARCI: No, I got the keys.
Huh?
Oh, hi, Bucky.
Hi, Matt.
Hi.
Yeah, okay, Lenny.
Go ahead. Yeah, turn it on.
No, that's fine.
Hey, 'cause you know why?
'Cause I am not
playing anymore.
No, that's okay,
water the whole thing.
'Cause I am not
playing, okay?
[BARKS]
Go, go,
get out of here.
Oh, get his
paws off there.
Hey! Oh, look at this.
Don't let him
run across there.
Rocky, Rocky.
Rocky! Where's he?
Around the house?
Where is he?I don't know where he went.
How did he get out?
BUCKY: He jumped
out of their window.
Oh, there he is.
Get him off the paint.
Get him off the paint.
Oh, wait, get out
of the paint.
Oh, oh.
Get him, get him.
BUCKY: Rocky, Rocky.
Get him, no. Oh, oh...
BUCKY: Here, boy.
MATT: Rocky, Rocky,
come on.
Oh, not in the house.
Not in the house.
BUCKY: Rocky, here, boy.
MATT: Oh, no.
Where is he?
He's right there.
Come on, Rocky.
Rocky.
Oh, no. Rocky.
BUCKY: Come on, come on.
MATT: Come on.
Come on, boy.
MATT: Come on,
you little Rocky.
Come on, Rock.
Rocky.
MATT: Rocky, come here.
BUCKY: Come on.
Rocky, come on,
you little...
Come on, Rocky,
you fucking...
Get over here.
Come on, Rocky.
Pack your stuff,
we're moving to Alaska.
Got it all over the carpet
and everything. Oh, God,
I am so sorry, Marci.
No, I... Uh-huh.
Yeah, so is Lenny there?
Oh, no, I don't want to rub
it in, I want to apologize.
Really.
Uh-huh.
Yeah. Well, could he just
come to the phone for a...
Mmm-hmm. Okay.
Well...
Listen, would you
just tell him, I'm...
I'm just so sorry for the
mess and everything and...
Uh-huh. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, he could
call me back.
Okay. Yeah.
Says he's watching
the ball game.
It was an accident.
BUCKY: Toby!
Bucky.
Toby!
Bucky...
He's dead.
He's dead.
Buck...
I can't believe
he's dead.
Why did he
do this to me?
No, no.
TORRES: So you say
it was strychnine?
KAREN: Well, that's what
the vet says.
Well, we don't get
a lot of murdered dogs
around here, you know.
You know...
Well, you got one now.
I think you're
going to find
your motive and
your guilty party
right in the other room
because see we've
been having this
neighborhood feud.
It's gotten a little
out of hand.
And it's gotten a little
out of hand.
Ah, Mrs. Benedetti.
One sugar.
I remember.
Thank you.
Mrs. Benedetti, why don't
you tell me about this
feud you're having
with the Colers?
Oh, well, who can tell.
When these things get
started, it's just crazy.
We're all very
good friends.
Yeah, it happened a couple
of months ago.
We passed it up
and now it's over.
That's not true
and you know it.
Okay, okay, so you say
that the dog tracked
orange paint in here.
Yeah, this afternoon.
Not a few months
ago, this afternoon.
Well, there's no orange
paw prints on the glass,
and there's no orange
paw prints on the carpet.
I saw the dog
in this house.
He came in
through that window,
and he was...
He was like hopping,
hopping around all over
the couch here,
this love seat
and the carpet and he had
this paint, orange.
Well, it's like a rust...
See, rust-colored paint,
on his paws. He got
it over everything.
There's nothing
here now.
Well...
Maybe he cleaned
it all up.
A-ha.
It's beginning to sound
like the perfect crime.
Smell the carpet.
Smell it for
cleaning solvents.
Here, come on.
Let's smell the carpet,
right here.
Matt.
Here.
[SNIFFS] Come on, come on.
No, let's smell the carpet
because you can really get...
No, it was just...
It was here somewhere.
Maybe it was on the...
[SNIFFS]
It was...
Matt, Matt...
No...
It was...
Are we, uh...
Are we finished, Mr. Coler?
No, no, see,
it was an accident.
I was painting the porch,
and the dog,
he just kind of like
ran through
with his little paws
and he got them,
you know, all over.
And it was
cold-blooded murder
of the dog.
A dog murder.
Mr. Benedetti,
I've spoken to Mr. Coler
and now I'm speaking to you.
I want to
assure you both
that the killing of
a domestic animal
is a very serious business
and we take it
very seriously.
So I'm not going to close
up this case right away.
Do we understand
my meaning here,
Mr. Benedetti?
[MUMBLES]
Mrs. Coler, Mrs. Benedetti,
you both have
nice houses here,
nice families,
nice lawns.
So why don't you tell
your husbands to set
these problems aside,
so you can all get back
together and be friends, huh?
Bygones be bygones?
The man killed our dog.
Honey.
Mrs. Coler, whether he did
or whether he did not,
tomorrow is the first day of
the rest of your lives.
So you might as well
start fresh.
Bygones be bygones.
I'm going up to the college,
first thing in the
morning, I'm going to
check the listings.
That's it, I've had it.
No. Don't do that.
I thought you were the
one who wanted to live
in faculty housing.
Bastards.
I can't be run out
of my own house.
Don't let him run us
out of our own house.
Okay.
Oh, man.
Okay.
It's over anyway.
It's over.
LENNY: That wimp.
Pussy.
Oh.
What do you care,
lamb chop?LENNY: Called the cops on me.
You didn't kill
that damn dog.
And they didn't
arrest you, so...Called the cops on me.
All's well
that ends well.
You didn't kill
the dog, did you?
Baby girl, he called
the cops on me.
That son of a bitch.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, neighbor.
Hey, neighbor.
Ever think about putting
that cute, little garden of
yours somewhere else?
That's okay, Lenny.
I got it all worked out.
I'm going over to
the nursery and I am
putting up some hedges.
Nice tall, green...
...hedges.
You know what's great
about hedges, Lenny?
They fucking love water.
That's what's so great
about them.
And I'm going to go
get me some right now.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Shit!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Oh, nice!
What is your
fucking problem?
You broke my headlight.
I never touched you.
Lenny.
We shook hands, remember?
Didn't we?
That means something
to you, doesn't it?
Will you admit
that you lost?
Lost what?
This isn't a game...
This isn't a game, Lenny.
This is real life.
In real life,
there are no winners,
there are no losers.
That's what the losers
always say, chump.
Damn it.
It's okay.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Bucky.
Want to have a catch?
Get lost, Sparky.
Come on, Bucky.
Let's have a catch
over the fence.
Here, catch the ball.
Get off my property, Sparky.
Go play with your
stupid dog.
We didn't kill your dog.
Liar.
You're a liar.
You're a fucking liar.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Ow! Stop!
Get off of me.
You stupid idiot,
I hate you.Ow!
You killed my dog.
KAREN: Bucky.
You killed my dog.
Guys, stop that.
I didn't
kill your dog.
Now! Break it up
right now,
right now,
get up, Bucky.
You killed my dog!
What are you doing?
What's this about?
They killed my dog.
Are you all right?
Fine.
MATT: Feeling better now?
You know what? Me too.
And the important thing,
nobody got hurt.
BUCKY: I gave him
a bloody nose.
Hey.
Yeah, we know that.
We're not very proud of
it either. You hurt him.
They killed my dog.
You guys know that
they killed my dog.
We think so too.
But we can't always
go around settling
all our differences
with our fists.
What if everybody did that?
The world would be
a living hell.
I want you
out here, now.
Is Sparky all right?
[DOORKNOB RATTLING]
Lenny. Now, Lenny,
you have no right to
walk in our house...
Ah.
Outside, pal.
Wait, wait, wait. Ah!
Lenny, you are
out of your mind.
Lenny, I am calling
the police.
Get out!
Lenny, don't do this.
[GROANS]
Dad!
Ah!
Lenny, please.
Lenny, don't.
Please! Don't.
Lenny, stop it!
[MATT GROANS]
[COUGHING]
KAREN: We were
in the kitchen.
We were
having milk and cookies
and the next thing I know
he's tapping
at our window
and then he's pulling
my husband
out onto the back porch.
And you said your husband
made no move towards him.
No, he didn't.
No, I did not.
Okay, then that's it.
Unless you want to
add anything or
embellish it in anyway.
Do I look like
I have to embellish?
We want him picked
up right away.
Whoa, it's not that easy.
Why isn't it?
Well, for one thing
he's in a cubicle
over there right now
and he's filing
a complaint about you.
What?
About me?
Yeah.
Are you joking?
What are...
Takes two to tango,
come on.
Look at his face please.
Yeah. Yeah.
Look at my
husband's face.
Yeah. This is a tango.
Oh, yeah.
That's a piece
of work, yeah.Nice, isn't it? Thank you.
Mrs. Coler, these things
aren't always decided
by who takes the
biggest licking. Helen.
Okay, we found
the broken glass
but on the inside,
not on the outside.
That seems to indicate
that Benedetti
had broken the...
That's a clear indication.
We are going
to press charges.
Well, you can go ahead
and press charges
if you'd like,
but the man has no
priors. They are not going
to send him to jail.
So if you're done
filing your charges
and taking him to
court, guess what?
He's still going to
be your neighbor.
Okay, you know what?
I did it.
I started
the whole thing.
I am guilty,
I admit it to you...Sit down.
I admit it to you too.
Mea culpa,
I'm the bad guy.
Now what do I do to get
myself the hell out of this?
Just tell me.
That's all I want to know.
For one thing,
you can make up with him.
Oh, my God.
That's the best
the police can do?
Mrs. Coler. We're not judges,
we're not juries and there
ain't enough of us around
to be bodyguards.
You see where I am
coming from here?
The very best shot
we have in these situations
is to have
the neighbors live together.
That's it, I'm sorry.
Tomorrow morning,
I am calling the college
about faculty housing.
I thought you didn't
want to be driven
out of your own home.
I don't, but I don't
want to stay there either.
I don't know
what I want to do.
What do you
want to do?
Well, let me know
what you decide.
I'll help you out
anyway I can, okay?
Yeah, what are you
going to do for me?
Look, Mr. Coler,
Mr. Benedetti...
How can I say this?
My patience is wearing
real thin on this case.
So you know
what I suggest?
I suggest the both of you
learn how to live together.
MATT: Well, here's
the news flash.
I tried that already so...
Fine with me.
Yeah, fine with me too.
Whoa, now that
sounded sincere.
Lenny brought home
some of those fabulous
steaks from work.
Didn't you, lamb chop?
Would you guys like
to come to a barbecue
tomorrow night?
I don't think so.
Excuse me, can I...
Now I want you
to listen to me.
'Cause I am trying to
do something here
and I think you know
what it is.
If you do not come
to my barbecue
tomorrow night,
you will be
just as uncivilized
as these two galoots.
Come on.
Tomorrow night.
LENNY: And then
the lady says,
"Judge, I wouldn't mind
if it was just one time,
"but every time we went out
it was rape, rape, rape."
[LAUGHING]
You see,
it's all about
your fundamental
assumptions, you know.
Like, you take now.
We have a fist fight
and he puts up
a hell of a struggle.
I mean, I got to
hand it to you, Matt.
You put up
a hell of a struggle.
But you know why
his face looks like it came
out of a meat grinder?
Because he can't
let out the tiger.
He's built his whole life
around the assumption
of intellect.
Me?
MARCI: You're going to have
to excuse Lenny.
He's a little bit tense.
'Cause they are laying off
the packers at the meat plant.
I told you.
I'm okay.
I got seniority
and I am not tense, Marci.
All right?
I am a happy man.
Yeah, you're happy.
Barbecue always
makes me happy.
I'm a simple man
with simple taste.
And no matter what's
going on in this nasty
old world of ours,
there are three things
that always calm me down.
One, is a belly full of meat.
Two, is a game of
night baseball on TV
and three,
is watering my lawn.
Now that really
calms me down.
Watering my lawn.
[MIMICKING WATER SPRINKLER]
MARCI: You know what Lenny
did the whole day today?
He rewired the damn house.
He put in
dimmer switches
and, uh,
disco thing
and everything.
Yeah, well, I could
use some of that
in my kitchen.
You want a disco thing
in your kitchen?
No, it's just that...
You want a...
...disco thing in
your kitchen?
All my wiring's screwed up.
Hey.
I got a screwdriver.
Lenny is real good
with his hands.
[COUGHS]
A lady will not
be disappointed.
[COUGHS]
KAREN: You know,
there are drugs for
people like Lenny.
MATT: Yeah,
how about cyanide?
[KAREN LAUGHS]
MATT: Not him, Karen,
it's me.
I have a big mouth,
I'm a tease.
I think I'm smarter
than everybody else.
KAREN: You have a big
mouth, you are a big tease
and you're smarter
than everybody else.
You know the thing with
thinking you're smarter than
everybody else?
You know
what the problem is?
Everybody else is thinking
the same thing
about themselves.
Good point.
[EXHALES]
Does it make any difference
that I love you anyway?
All the difference
in the world.
[MATT CLUCKING]
Huh? Eggs a la Dad?
What do you say, huh?
Anybody? Hello?
Hello.
Yeah, sounds good to me.
Fine.
Where's the canola oil?
Wow. 800 free
travel miles.
You know, Buck.
You might try reading
a book once in a while.
That ever... Oh!
KAREN: Stop.
What is this stuff?
That's like some weird
space-age cooking stuff.
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING]
You know, the first time
I played that game.
I got 62 lines
and I think about 7,400
points or something.
What a genius.
Cool, Professor.
My God, I just
opened Lenny's mail.
He's been laid off.
Go put it back
in his mailbox.
Actually, you know what?
I'll do it later.
No, no, I, uh...
I'll drop it off
after the game.
So are these eggs, like,
ever going to be done?
Because I could have...
I could have had these
cooked, eaten and
been on the way by now.
BUCKY: Sometimes I just wish
you'd just
punch Lenny right
in the nose.
Yeah, and what
would that solve?I don't know.
Did it solve anything
when you punched out
your friend Sparky?
No, but I felt better.
Really? You felt better?
Fine, cool.
[YELLING]
I don't think
we're gonna hold on.
What are you doing, Dad?
Yeah.
I'm going to go back and
punch Lenny on the nose.
You can't do that.
Why not?
Because we're going
to the ball game, Dad.
Hey, make up your mind,
buckaroo breath.
You want me to take
you to the ball game
or you want to go back
and punch Lenny on the nose?
Which is it?
Go to the ball game.
Really?
Yeah.
[MATT YELLING]
What was that for?
Because I love you.
Yeah, I love you too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[HUMMING]
[GASPS]
LENNY: Hi.
Came to look
at your wiring.
It's in the kitchen.
Downstairs.
Oh...
Marcie would sure look
great in something like that.
Matt's a lucky man.
I bet the sex life has been
picking up around here, huh?
Lenny, I think it's time
for you to go home now.
You are just fascinated
by me, aren't you?
No, I'm not.
I bet you'd like to know
what these feel like
when they move,
wouldn't you?
Huh?
No, Lenny, I wouldn't.
Wouldn't you like to know
what they feel like
when they move, huh?
Touch one, Karen.
Come on, Karen.
Touch one. Hmm?
Oh, Karen.
Aren't you just
the teensiest,
weensiest, eensiest
bit curious, huh?
Huh?
Lenny, stop it.
You don't want to
do this, Lenny. Stop it!
You like
the rough stuff, huh?
You get the fuck
out of here, Lenny.
Get out of here now!
Come on, Karen, I thought
we had an understanding,
I thought you wanted me
to come over.
Get out.
Get out, you pig.
Right now!
What's all this talk
about your wiring
and my screwdriver?
What?
Get out.
Get out, Lenny.
Now!
Okay.
Okay, all right, I'm sorry.
Pardon me for living.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Dad caught a ball.
MATT: Well...
It was a...
It was nothing, really.
I mean, the ball was
coming right at me.
But I have to admit it,
it was fairly spectacular.
I want to move.
MATT: What?
What happened?
KAREN: I want to move.
It's time for you
to go to bed. Let's go.
Come on. You make sure
you floss tonight, all right?
I think maybe
Lenny tried to rape me.
Who are you calling?
Calling Sergeant Torres.
Don't.
Uh...
What do you mean don't?
Um...
Because I don't
want to do this.
Lenny is going to say
that he didn't do anything
and then Torres is
probably going to say
that I started it.
Matt, Lenny thinks that
I invited him here.
Okay, okay, okay, call.
Don't call.
Will you make up
your goddamn mind?
You want to move
or you don't want to move?
You want me
to do something about
the sprinklers
or you don't want me
to do something about
the sprinklers?
You want me
to press charges
or you don't want me
to press charges?
Make up your mind!
Okay, Karen, which is it?
I don't know.
You want to stay
or do you want to go?
Mom, well, just talk this
over with Dad.
We're going to Grandma's.
We're going to stay
a couple of weeks
and think this over.
Karen, Karen, please.
Let's talk it out first.
Just...
Please, please talk it out.
I'll call you when
I get there safely.
Don't do this.
Karen.
Lenny!
Oh, hiya, Matt.
Is he home?
Where's Lenny?
No, it's the night shift.
He's working
the night shift.
That's because
of all the cutbacks.
Hey, Lenny.
Someone wants
to see you.
Tell him to take
a number.Lenny!
I've had enough.
You touch my wife,
you so much as even
talk to her again
and I can't be responsible
for what will happen.
I'm serious, Lenny.
You understand me, right?
Do you?
Then fucking say something!
Why are you talking so
disrespectfully to me, huh?
I'm holding a knife.
It's got to stop, Lenny.
You crossed the line.
You have gone way over
the fucking edge!
I don't know what
you are talking about.
Now why don't
you just get the hell
out of here, huh?
I've got work to do, okay?
No, it's not okay,
and you don't have
any work to do either.
What are you talking?
You're fired.
Fired.
What are you
talking about?
LENNY: Shut up, Marci!
MARCI: Did you kill
their dog?LENNY: Just shut up!
You killed their dog,
did you?
You are a beast.
LENNY: Shut up!
You are a beast.
You're a beast.Ah!
LENNY: I'm out of here!
MARCI: Oh, yeah?
You're out of here?
LENNY:
You're goddamn right.
MARCI: All right,
you walk out that door,
you're never going to walk
in this house again,
you understand me?
You're never going to
walk in this house again.
LENNY: Fuck you, baby girl.
MARCI: Fuck you,
lamb chop.
Oh, yeah! Well...
[CLATTERING]
If I wanted back in, Marci,
I can just kick this
goddamn door in!
I could just
punch my hand
right through
this window, Marci.
But I ain't gonna.
And you know
why I ain't gonna?
Because I ain't never
coming back, baby girl.
Fuck you, lamb chop.
You're nothing
but bad luck.
So just keep out
of my face.
You hear me, baby girl?
I'm free as a bird!
You hear me, everybody?
I'm talking to the
whole neighborhood.
Unbelievable.
I'm free as a bird!
Free as a bird!
LENNY: What is your problem?
[DOOR LATCH LOCKING]
[DOOR KNOB RATTLING]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS] Oh.
My God, what are you doing?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's okay, it's okay.
I'm so sorry.
Karen, we've got to
get out of here right now.
We've just got to
get out of here.Why?
Right now.
Where are we going?
Come back, come back,
come back.What?
You got a problem
with my sprinkler, pal?
Run, Karen, run.
LENNY: One move
and I'll break his neck.Karen.
Everybody in
the living room.
Now!
MAN: Torres.
Hey.
You got another call
from that woman,
Marci Benedetti.
You know, the one
whose husband keeps
fighting with the neighbor.
Yeah, what did she want?
Well, she said
Mr. Benedetti
beat her up.
Said that she's okay.
She said she locked him
out and she wants us
to go out and find him
before he causes
anymore trouble.
Did he take the car?
Negative.
Send a cruiser out there.
Tell them to make a pass
every half hour or so.
You got it.
Tell them to keep
their eyes open.
Right.
We're going to
settle up right now.
Lenny, you have
no quarrel with us,
you know that.
No, that's fine.
I think we should settle.
You know, Lenny, just tell us
what the lawn furniture
is worth,
and you know what,
we'll pay double.
Karen will write it up.
Go get the checkbook, Karen.Okay.
Sit down, Karen.
All you have to
do is just tell us
what you want us
to write in there
and we'll put it in.
I don't want
your lousy money.
Well, fine then.
Then how would you
like to settle up...
Lenny?
Lenny, how would you...
How would you like
to settle up?
Arm wrestling.
KAREN: That's ridiculous.
Arm wrestling?
That's a...
No, that's fine.
Let's just
get it over with.
That's a great idea.
Yeah.
Give me your hand, Matt.
Come on.
Karen, you start
the count.
Isn't this a bit foolish?
I mean, it is, isn't it?
Three, two, one.
Three, two, one.
Okay. Three, two, one. Go.
[MATT GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
KAREN:
Matt, you're bleeding.
[LAUGHS]
Lenny, are you satisfied now?
Is that enough?
I'm okay, Karen.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Okay, Lenny. You win.
You win.
Jeez.
That's pathetic.
MATT: You win now, okay?
Are you finished?
That's pathetic, Matt.
That's... We're going to
have to build you up
for this. Come on.
Lenny, Lenny, just...
LENNY: Come on.
Ah!
[KAREN GASPS]
[MATT GROANS]
Build me up for what, Lenny?
What do you want
to build me up for?
I just want to...
I don't want to be built up.
I want to be your friend,
I want to be your...
Your neighbor, like before.
I'm calling the police.
For God's sake, Lenny.
Please, just let us...
Sit down and shut up.
You. Give me 20 push-ups.
What?
Do it!
You count.
Go ahead. One, two...
One.
Two.
Three.
Oh, that's it.
Four.
Get this phone.
Five.
Six.
LENNY: What is this,
this is...
[MOUTHING]
"Master of
English Literature."
KAREN: Seven.
"Doctor of..."
Eight.
What is this, Karen?
"Doctor..."
Philology.
LENNY: Philology.
Matt's a reading teacher.
Philology.
What's that like,
remedial reading?
KAREN: Sort of.
LENNY: All these words...
[LAUGHS]
Words are turds.
Words are fucking turds.
These diplomas, Karen.
They... They may
cover your walls
but they don't
cover your ass.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Only this
can cover your ass.
That's 20. Okay, Lenny.
So we're done, okay.
[TELEPHONE CLATTERING]
Let's check you out, Matt.
Come on,
come on up here.
Let's feel these
muscles here, huh?
Big enough
to cover your ass?Yeah.
Yeah.
I think they are
big enough now.
Okay, let's get it
on, huh?Lenny, wait.
What you're doing
is illegal and it's...
It's the kind of thing
people go to jail for.
Please don't do this.
Do you want to
talk or fight?
I hope you want to fight,
Matt, because that's
what I really want to do.
Lenny, don't do it.
Don't do it.
You got a problem with
my sprinkler, pal, huh?
Your kid got a problem
with my kid, huh?
Lenny, no, I...
LENNY: You ready
to get it on?
You'll fight me
like a man, huh?
Lenny. [GROANS]
Oh! Oh!
He's fighting me, Karen.
Doctor, he's a real little
fighting man now.
God damn it, Matt.
Is that the best you can do?
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
Run, run, run.
LENNY: God.
The keys, the keys,
the keys.
They're right there.
I'll get them.
MATT: No, no, Bucky.
Don't do it, Bucky...
You mean these keys?
Lenny.
Take your hands
off my son.
And you give me
those keys right now.
Now, let's all
sit back down
like the civilized
human beings we are
and not like
the blood-sucking vampires
we sometimes reveal
ourselves to be.
Bucky.
You come with me.
Sit down.
LENNY: Bucky, why don't
you sit right over here
next to me.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's...
Fine. That's fine.
Squad.
Yes, Mrs. Benedetti.
Yes, we did, Mrs. Benedetti.
Well, I'm sorry,
but Detective Torres
is unavoidably
undisposed at the moment.
It means he's unavailable.
He's in the can,
Mrs. Benedetti.
Don't let him
do this, Dad.
I won't, son.
I won't.
You know what, Lenny,
you've had your fun.
You made your point,
all right.
Why don't you let me take
you to the doctor
and we'll take a look
at that hand of yours?
No hard feelings, okay?
Sit down you.
MATT: For God's sake...
Where are you
going, Bucky?
This is a hot poker.
We don't want
you getting hurt.
Who are you
supposed to be?
The Statue of Liberty?
You were going to smack me
with that, weren't you?
Go to hell, Lenny.
You know, Matt,
I believe you're starting
to get the idea.
I'm not fighting
with you, Lenny.
I'm just not going to
fight with you anymore.
I'm not going to do it.
LENNY: Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Well, you're the one
who turned this into
a blood sport, pal.
I mean...
Look at my hand.
All fucked up.
But I'm about to
make a comeback.
There's nothing
to fight for.
LENNY: Oh, yeah?
I think I finally got
it all figured out.
Lenny.
Stay there, Matt.
Stay there.
Ooh.
Tell me, Matt...
Will you fight me
for this woman?
Hmm?
Will you fight me
for this?
Yeah.
Am I getting
through to you, Matt?
Yup, you are.
[LAUGHS]
Good.
You go into the kitchen
and you get yourself
a serious weapon.
Maybe that will even up
the odds a little.
And don't you even
think about running away,
you understand?
Never crossed my mind.
KAREN: You don't want
to be doing this, Lenny.
I hope you found
something nice and
sharp in there, Matt.
You know, I'm not going
to do it, Lenny.
I don't want to
have to hurt you.
Ready or not.
Here comes Lenny!
It just isn't fair, you know.
What's not fair, Matt?
I never did anything
to you, Lenny,
and you know it.
It isn't fair.
What's fair in life, Matt?
Tell me, Matt.
What's fair in life?
What's fair, Matt?
KAREN: Don't answer.
He's following your voice.
Is it fair that I had
to spend my whole life
as a working stiff?
Because I punched out
some asshole professor
in calculus class.
Is that fair, Matt?
Huh?
But he's got to
pay for that, Matt.
Somebody...
...has got to pay for that.
Somebody's got to
pay for that.
Tag.
You're it.
Come on, Matt.
Hit me with
your best shot.
[LENNY GROANS]
[THUD]
Get out of the house.
I'm gonna call the police.
Go, just go.
Run as far as you can.
KAREN: Lenny...
Lenny, move. Stop it!
Let go, Lenny. Lenny!
Lenny, get off me.
Lenny!
My name is Matt Coler.
C-O-L-E-R.
No.
Sergeant Torres
knows who I am.
KAREN: Lenny, stop it.
Matt!
Oh, my God.
KAREN: No!
Get off of me.
LENNY: These under panties
look familiar?
Think I'll go back and get me
a piece of the real thing.
Hmm?
[YELLING]
MATT: Come on, come on.
Come on...
What are you going to
do now, teacher man?
I'm going to kick
your fucking ass.
[TV PLAYING]
Son of a bitch. You ever
touch my wife again...
You touch
my wife again and I will
fucking kill you.
You hear me?
I'll fucking kill you.
I'll fucking kill...
Bring it, man, come on!
I'll rip
your fucking heart out!
You hear me?
You hear me? Here.
Kill you.
[LAUGHS]
I got to hand
it to you, Matt.
You're a better man
than I thought you were.
I really mean it.
I really do.
You're okay in my book.
Bygones be bygones?
Bygones be bygones.
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
Let's gather around
the campfire.
[GRUNTS]
Teacher, die.
No! No!
Die.
Die, teach.
Die!
[LENNY SCREAMING]
[CLATTERING]
Shit!
Get back.
They're in there.
Mrs... We'll take care of it.
We'll just take care of it.
Just calm down.
[SCREAMING]
Just wait...
Lenny, Lenny, Lenny!
Oh, my God.
Lenny, Lenny!
Lenny!
Lenny!
WOMAN: Let him through,
let him through.
MAN: Excuse me.
Coming through, please.
What happened?
He went too far.
You're having
trouble breathing?
Want to play?
Sure.
How you doing?
Good.
How are you?
Pretty good.
[INDISTINCT TALKING]
SPARKY: I'll beat you.
BOY 1: Man, you're cheating.
BOY 2: You're out of bounds.
BOY 1: You're out of bounds.
BOY 2: No, I'm not.
BOY 1: Cheater.
Hey, you get back.
BOY 1: Get back!
BOY 2: No way!
[DOG BARKING]
Yes, you are.
I shot you right
in the head again.
I got you, I got you,
I got you.
You missed me
by a mile.
Then how come
you're wet?
Because we're standing
in the sprinklers, dork.
You're cheating.
MARCI: Sparky!
You're cheating.
Sparky, get in
here for dinner.
I'm coming.
You get in here now!
I'm coming!
Right, and so is time travel.
Hey!
I'll be back.
Come on, Toby,
let's go home.
I'm home.
[MARCI LAUGHS]
Matt, they're
sprinkling again.[GASPS]
Really?
Really? He...
He watered all afternoon.
What are you doing?
Nothing. I was...
Were you watching them?
What? No, I was just walking
by the window and...
Amazing.
[MOANING]
MATT: Oh.
KAREN: They're at it again.
Ah.
Again?
So... You've watched
them before.
No.
Yes, you have.
Come on.
Okay, once or twice.
Hmm.
But this doesn't feel right.
I feel like a peeping Tom.
Oh, and that
bothers you?
See, this is okay
because we...
We are teachers.
And we are supposed
to fulfill this thirst
for knowledge that we have.
And it's like a social
science experiment.
Observing real people.
Studying, uh...
[MARCI LAUGHING]
Our fellow man...
...and woman.
Ah.
Maybe there are things
we're better off not knowing.
[MOANING CONTINUES]
Bucky, time for
bed, sweetie.
Okay.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Toby was just
stuffy, so...
I opened
the window for him.
Oh, good, good.
Who's your pal?
You are.
Who else?
And Dad.
Who else?
And Toby.
Good night, Toby.
Go to sleep.
Good night, Mom. Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[MARCI MOANING LOUDLY]
Show's over?
Got a notice from
the college today.
Faculty housing
is available again.
No, thank you.
Really?
Well, do you want
to know what Bucky
was doing upstairs?
He was looking
out the window.
Watching Lenny and Marci
go at it.
You're kidding.
You mean, he was, like,
peeping on the neighbs?
Yeah.
Well, he's a kid,
it's age appropriate.
Starts when you're 10,
it lasts till you die.
Oh, a guy thing.
Exactly.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, these people
are not like us, Matt.
That's right, honey,
they're not like us because
they are real people, okay.
Oh, what is that
supposed to mean?
They are working people,
salt of the Earth.
An honest day's pay for
an honest day's work.
Nothing wrong with living
among people like that.
That's kind of neat.
Neat?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
We've been here
a year now, right?
Right.
So do you know what
Lenny does for a living?
Yeah, I know,
he's a butcher.
And you're
a college professor?
And you're a big snob.
And you're an idiot.
You're... You're looking
for trouble.
Yeah.
Sparky, come on.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Hey, Spark. Come here.
Come on.
Oh, no, no.
Mom, come on.
All right, go.
Get in the car.
You look good,
baby girl.
You look good too,
lamb chop.
That's because I am
looking at you, baby girl.
I'm looking at you
too, lamb chop.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
[EXHALES]
So...
Did Mom talk to you
about watching
the Benedetti's last night?
A little. You're going to
talk to me about it too?
LENNY: Hiya, Matt.
A little. Hey, Lenny.
You see, I think
it's perfectly normal
for, you know...
You got to be curious about
that kind of thing.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Don't feel bad about it.
We all do it.
It's a guy thing.
Did you do it when
you were a kid?
What, are you joking?
Of course I did.
Do you do it now?
Get in the car, Bucky.
This is going to be
a little longer talk
than I thought.
Dr. Coler?
Did somebody
ask about finals?
GIRL: I did.
Why?
Because our grades
depend on it.
Your grades depend on
your ability to think.
Your grades
do not depend on
your answers to 1,238,892
multiple choice questions
drawn from a book by one of
the department's secretaries,
thank you very much.
Well, does that mean, like,
we're not giving
a humongous exam?
Do I look like the kind
of guy who believes in,
"Like, humongous exams"?
[ALL LAUGH]
I do not believe
in cramming.
I do not believe
in cribbing.
I do not believe
in all-nighters,
except of course
with a pretty girl.
No sexual harassment
lawsuits, please.[ALL LAUGH]
Humor is still,
believe it or not, protected
by the First Amendment.
Until, of course,
the next election.
Now if I were to
give a final exam,
it would be with no
preparation at all.
And it would be one big,
if I may
paraphrase you, sir,
"humongous" question.
Something like...
"Tell me everything
you know about William
Shakespeare's Macbeth."
[STUDENTS GROAN]
No, was that too big?
Okay, then how about this?
Lady Macbeth...
You got a minute?
"Lady Macbeth,
pre-modern feminist
"or classic
"power-hungry bitch?"
[ALL LAUGH]
That would be
a good one, yeah.
Yeah, and I do it
like a pop quiz,
just out of the blue.
In fact, that's it,
that's right,
that's the one.
Lady Macbeth,
blah-blah-blah,
blah-blah-blah...
And why?
Ladies and gentleman,
take out your pencils.
This is your
final examination.
And begin.
Hey is this line
speeding, huh?
Who the hell is
speeding the line?
Lenny, call for you.
Is this line
speeding, huh?
We're working a side
every 12 minutes.
Twelve minutes.
You looking at this watch?
You want a better view?
We're way behind
from the lay-off.
Right, well,
that's not my problem.
That's the management's
problem, all right.
Okay, I'm coming.
I told you this
line was speeding.
Hey, Buckeroo.
I got a little something.
Hey, neighbor.
Hey, Tob. Hey, Lenny.
How you doing?
Where is it?
I got a little something.
I got a little something.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Cool.
Is that a basketball?
Yeah.
MATT: Come on, right here.
All right. B-ball.
Hey.
Hey, why don't you and
Sparky take it out back
and give it a test drive?
Nah, I'm not too
good at basketball.
What are you
talking about?
Of course, you're
good at B-ball.
He's terrific.
Come on, pass him the ball.
Come on, Bucky.
Pass it off.
Give him.
MATT: Oh, I got it,
I got it.
LENNY: You want to play?
Lenny, could you turn
your sprinkler down
just a little?
My lawn
needs a lot of water.
Rice paddies need
a lot of water, okay.
Lawns actually
don't need that much water.
And, you see, I got
these azaleas here,
and they just...
They hate water, okay?
So, if you don't mind,
I'm just going
to pull your sprinkler
back just a tad.
Is that okay?
Yeah, fine.
Good.
Okay, here we go, Spark.
Let's play some ball.
Okay.
Come on.
We got
the ball first.
LENNY: Come on, Sparky.
Shoot it up, come on.
Now look.
Look at the rim, okay?
Focus on the rim.
Give it a real good look.
Look at the rim. All right,
now shoot it, come on.
Rocky, get home.
Get out of here, go!
You know what, Lenny?
Why don't we just
let the kids play ball
and you know...
No, no, no.
Look, we can all play.
We can play
fathers and sons, huh?
Hey, Bucky.
You want to play
fathers and sons, huh?
Sure.
Yeah.
I don't know.
You know,
I just got home from work,
I got my jacket on...
You're fine.
You got shoes with rubber
soles on them, come on.
We'll all play.
It'll be fun.
Come on, try to shoot
it over me, come on.
BUCKY: All right.
Yes.
Let's try that again.
Oh, yeah.
Come on, try it again from
the foul line right there.
Yeah, the foul line
right there.
Where?
Right here.
Right here?
Yeah.
BUCKY: Come on, Dad.
LENNY: Yeah, try it again.
Rejected!
Rejection!
BUCKY: Why don't
you guys play?Yeah, okay, let's play.
[GRUNTING]
Damn it.
[LAUGHS]
MATT: Yeah!
BUCKY: Get him,
get him, Dad.
D up.
D up, let me bring
it in. D up.
Bring it in.
Here, how about that?
Yeah. For two.
Yeah. For two.
Dad is the
greatest, for two.
Come on, Dad. Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's a foul.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dad.
Damn it.
LENNY: You want it, huh?
You okay?
LENNY: Want to call a foul?
Oh, Dad,
you're bleeding.
You want to call a foul?
MATT: No!
Call it a foul, come on.
Come on, get up.
No, I'm okay.
Don't play, don't play.
No, I'm okay, give
me the ball. Come on.
Just give me, give me.
I'll give you
another chance.
D up, Dad.
One more basket to win it.
D up. Come on.
LENNY: He steals the ball.
Dad, come on,
come on, get him.
Yeah! Game point!
Game point! Yeah!
Good game, Lenny.
Good game, my foot.
It was a great game.
It was a monster game.
You two guys
just got beat
by the magnificent Benedetti!
[YELLING]
MARCI: Lenny, Sparky.
Two minutes to dinner.
Okay, baby girl.
LENNY: We showed
them, didn't we?SPARKY: Yeah.
My hero.
We lost.
Ah.
BUCKY: He cheated.
Yeah.
Yeah?
That's the way
he plays the game.
We'll get him
next time.
Man, you should
have elbowed him
right in the face.
Hit the showers.
Son...
Good game.
I didn't even play.
KAREN: How was the game?
The man is a total jerk.
Ow.
Yeah.
Yeah, well,
the man's wife invited
us over for barbecue.
We're busy, okay.
[SCREAMING] Ow, ow, ow!
Ow, ow, ow!
I'm too busy, we
can't do this... Ow!
Yeah, well, I told them
Sunday would be good.Are you joking?
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Sunday is my golf game.
I want to play with the
guys. I don't want to
go over next door...
I know, I know, I know.
...to some Neanderthal...
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
But we're just going
to stroll over there.
We're going to
seize an opportunity
and we're going to
discuss that damn sprinkler
of theirs.
Okay, you know
what, I'll do this
but I don't want to seem
offended or annoyed,
so just try to...
No, no, no, no.
...ease into the
sprinkler thing.
Okay, just... [GROANS]
Just going to
discuss things.
Real people
discuss things.Yes.
They do.
Yes, they do, okay.
And we're just going
to ease into it though
while we're discussing,
you know...
Meat.
Hi.
Hey, neighbor.
Hey, guys.
Just in time.
Karen, you're all wet.
Yeah, well...
Because...
That's because we had
to use the driveway
and kind of duck under
the sprinklers there.
And you know, Lenny, I was
kind of wondering,
do you think maybe there's
just a skosh too much water
on that lawn there?
No!
Well, it's killing
our azaleas.
Could you just not
mention that, the azaleas,
this one time?
Okay, that's all I've ever
asked in this whole marriage.Boys!
Here we go.
Thanks, Mom.
Okay, you can watch TV,
down in the basement.
Go, scoot, scoot.
Oh, this is great.
He's cooking an entire
herd of cattle.
This is great.
[SNIFFS] Ah. Perfecto.
Well, come on, guys,
sit down, little closer
to the food here.
Karen, you like
a big piece of meat, huh?
There's plenty more
where this came from.
Thank you.
Little bit of ketchup.
That's good, thank you.
Good.
Real meat.
That's one of the perks of
being married to a butcher,
isn't it, lamb chop?
It sure is, baby girl.
[MOANING]
Of course, Karen here gets
to be teacher's pet,
don't you, Karen?
Well...
Well, the perks
are more like,
you know, being able to
make love in the afternoon.
[LAUGHTER]
Wow, really?
All I get is this.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, you two are
just so real.
What? I don't mean
that in a bad way.
When I say real, it's not
a negative value judgment,
or anything...
It's just a...
Oh, boy. I'm not
doing a very good
job of explaining myself.
Um, just forget it.
I'm sorry.
No, hold on.
I know what you mean.
I work with my hands,
you two work
with your mind.
So it isn't just hours
and paychecks
you have to compare,
but certain fundamental
assumptions, right?
Lenny had a 160 IQ
in high school.
A 160 IQ?
Uh-huh.
That's high.
Wow, the family secret.
Hey, cat's out of
the bag, big guy.
Hey, it's okay, really.
I like being a butcher.
Just fine, just fine.
Well, it's not such
a dumb thing to be, really.
It's just
fundamentally different.
You know, like,
you two here write in
chalk on a blackboard.
And sometimes
the chalk squeaks
in your fingers.
[SQUEAKS]
I know. Don't you hate
the way that feels?
Back in Chicago,
where I started out,
it gets really cold
in the winters
and we worked
outside, Karen,
and sometimes
your fingers, they
would just turn to ice.
And just when you thought
you couldn't move
them anymore,
another truck
would come in.
And all the young
guys, they'd groan.
But all the old guys,
they'd run right
for that truck.
Because they knew
that it was filled with
fresh kill straight from
the slaughter house.
And we'd pull
out a calf
and the carcass was
still warm to the touch.
We'd crack its back right
there on the loading dock
and the steam would come
rising up out of the calf.
Real steam.
Warm your fingers
right over it.
And it is goddamn hard
to explain how that feels
to people who work in chalk
and a blackboard.
Green, Lenny.
They're green boards now.
It's easier on the eyes.
Yeah, well...
Everything changes.
We hardly get
fresh kills anymore.
Oh, my God! Would somebody
change the subject please?
Yeah.
Yeah, I got a little, uh...
A little brain teaser here
for you, Mr. 160 IQ.
Uh-oh.
Is this going to be one of
those trick questions?
No.
All you got
to do is think.
Just requires a little
logic that's all.
Matt collects
these conundrums.
They're mental puzzles. If...
If you can't get them
don't feel bad.
They're really hard.
I don't get most of them.
Well, fire away, Matt.
A guy's on the run
in the jungle.
Okay?
He knows that two tribes
live in the area.
One tribe always
tells the truth.
And the other
tribe always lies.
And the liars
are cannibals.
Now, he comes to
a fork in the road.
Okay?
And there's this,
like, native warrior standing
there at the fork of the road.
Okay, now this guy
knows if he goes
to the truth teller village,
he's safe. And if he goes
to the liars' village,
he's dinner. And he has
no way of knowing
whether this
warrior, standing on the fork
of the road is a truth teller
or a liar, and
he's only got time
to ask one question.
What is the
question he asks?
Could you
get me some?
Which way to
the liars' village?
LENNY: Oh, no.
Why the liars'?
I don't know, I mean,
I guessed, I thought.
Come on, Matt. Tell them the
question that the guy asks.
The guy says...
No, no, wait. Don't tell,
I am working on it.
Thanks.
[LAUGHS]
I got it.
He asks the guy,
which way to
your village?
Oh, Matt. Give
him the right answer.
Put him out of his misery.
What is it?
That... That actually
is the right answer.
Yeah. Yeah. You see,
if you ask the truth teller
which way to his village
he is going to point you
to the truth teller's village.
But if you ask the liar
which way to his village,
he's going to lie about it
and point you to
the truth teller's.
So it doesn't
matter which
tribe the warrior is from,
if you ask him which
way to your village,
he's always going to point
you to the right way to go.
Lenny, that is such
good thinking.
Well done.
Such good thinking.
LENNY: That's not a lie.
That's great.
Never thought that out.
It's very good.
It's excellent, uh, logic.
[LENNY AND MARCI MOANING]
Okay.
So the first game
goes to me.
How about best two
out of three?
Okay, okay.
Um...
Hats five.
A guy... A guy
wears five hats.
Yes, two red hats
and three blue hats.
No, no, no, I get
to pick this one.
Okay. Fire away.
How about arm wrestling?
No.
Arm wrestle.
Let's go.
No, I don't think...
No, not arm wrestling.
LENNY: Oh, come on,
it'll be fun.
Arm wrestling.
What's the big deal?
Yeah, you two guys
can arm-wrestle too.
No, no, no.
No, this is okay
because I got to tell
you, I used to be
the arm wrestling
champion of Francis Lewis.
LENNY: Junior High School?
Why were you...
Sparky! Don't you get
those cushions wet.
Sparky, do you
want a smack?
Lenny, it's just
outdoor furniture.
It's meant to get wet.
Excuse me, but I don't need
mildew on my cushions.
Sparky! Damn it!
I'll take care of this.
Excuse me,
hey, Sparky.
Sparky, can I just
see this for a second?
How does this work?
Kind of like that?
[LAUGHS]
MATT: Take that, Bucky boy.
Go around, Bucky.
MATT: Come here. Aha! Die!
Your husband's a child.
Yeah, he's very
charming that way.
MATT: Die, legion scum!
I didn't say
he was child-like,
I said
the man's a child.
Excuse me.
Probably why
he teaches school.
What are you
talking about?
Lenny has a theory
about everything.
Don't you, lamb chop?
I sure do, baby girl.
You see, Karen,
we're powerless as kids
but, God Almighty,
when we are teachers,
aren't we so... I mean,
it's got to be kind of rushed,
to move over to the
other side of the desk,
don't you think?
It sort of keeps
a guy from growing up
and living a real life.
Don't you think?
MARCI: He doesn't
mean it like it sounds.
Well, actually I do.
[MATT GRUNTS]
MATT: Wounded.
Behind the back.
There we go.
I think I can teach Matt
a thing or two
about real life.
Really?
You don't know the first
thing about my husband.
Lenny.
Marci, thanks for
the barbecue.I'm sorry.
I didn't mean
anything by it.
It was just an observation.
KAREN: Let's go, Matt.
What an uptight bitch, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
So how does it feel
communicating with
real people, honey?
Hey, I didn't
have a bad time.
I mean, I had a good
time, didn't you?
You had a good time
with him,
because you feel
superior to them.
The reason
I had a good time...
[BOTH LAUGH]
I'll tell you why
I had a good time.
I had a good time because...
Just because...
Just because he gave
us a great barbecue.
Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
MARCI: Stupid, selfish
son of a bitch!Is that them?
Maybe we left the party
too soon. No, no, no.
No, no, this side of the bed
does not want you to go.
No, no, no, come back.
Matt.
MARCI: Get your hands
off of me!
LENNY: Come here!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
MATT: What's he doing?
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
KAREN: He just came
out on the front lawn.
The man is a beast.
I am a beast.
No, no, no, I...
You know,
I got to hand it to him.
He seems comfortable
in his own skin.
What does that mean?
KAREN: I just
get the feeling
that he knows
what he is doing.
MATT: Oh, really?
You think this
humanoid knows what he
is doing? That's great.
Okay. I have to
tell you something.
I don't think he's that
happy with what he's doing.
You mean, like, when he was
talking about the fresh kill.
Well, for example.
Yeah, he did
sound depressed.
Sad. Not depressed, okay.
People like Lenny don't get
depressed, they get sad.
And what do you think
is the difference?
People like us
get depressed, okay.
And it takes like
years of therapy.
Then we get better.
And people
like Lenny get sad
and that's a whole
lot easier to fix.
Yeah. Maybe not.
Yeah.
No, no, because, see,
you get a guy like Lenny
a six pack of beer
and you get him laid
and ba-boom,
he's a happy man again.
Would getting laid make
you a happy man again?
What? Would it help?
It couldn't hurt.
Hi, Marci.
Hey, Marci, um,
could you come over and
take a look and see
what your sprinkler's
doing over here?
Going shopping, Karen.
Want to come?
No, no, I can't. I'm
trying to save my azaleas.
You go and have fun.
How are your azaleas doing?
Yeah, well...
My azaleas, well,
they're all dead.
Water burnt, Matt,
all of them, they're gone.
Could you do something,
please, about this?
I've talked to him
half a dozen times.
He just doesn't get it.
Plant something else.
Yeah.
Like what?
Water lilies?
Well, what do you want
me to do about it, Karen?
Well, why don't you
go figure it out.
I don't know. You're the
full tenured professor.
Fine.
This is a bit childish,
isn't it?
Hey, he wants some water,
fine, here, here.
There, he can
have some water.
He's afraid of mildew, great.
He can grow penicillin
on his butt.
He's gonna feel like
he's married to
Esther Williams.
Here, okay,
you like water?
I got you water
right there, okay?
Here, fine.
That adult enough for you?
Marci!
Fucking shit.
Marci!
Fucking goddamn shit.
Lenny, yo.
Is there a problem?
You fucking goddamn shit.
Oh, good idea,
more water. Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
How do you like it?
Not fun, is it?
Hey, Lenny.
Right here, okay.
[INAUDIBLE]
You are as bad
as he is, you know.
In fact, you are worse
than he is because
you ought to know better.
Oh, I do know better.
I do, and that's why
he is out there slouching
on three feet of water
and I'm safe and sound
in my own house, okay.
Oh, shut the
window, shut it.
Oh, God.
[SCREAMS]
Okay, okay. Hey. Okay.
Truce, truce.
Stop.
Okay, truce.
Now we're even, okay?
Look.
Gee.
It's okay, we're even now.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
Look at this.
Lenny, what you doing?
Just watering this thirsty
little grass patch of ours.
You're not watering their
azaleas, are you, Lenny?
You look good, baby girl.
You look good too,
lamb chop.
That's because I am
looking at you, baby girl.
That's because I am looking
at you too, lamb chop.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
We don't need
no drive-in movies
Don't need no one
to show us how
Come on, girl,
let's get together
While the moon
is shining bright
I got a Chevy van
It looks like heaven
And it'll be our
home sweet home tonight
Matt!
Come here, quick.
What... What happened
to our garden?
We have to do
something now.
What happened to our garden?
What do you think
happened to our garden?
I don't... Oh, we
got to build a fence.
This is...
No, no, I'm not living
behind some wall.
This is ridiculous.
Got to do
something about him.
We got to do something
about him. This is...
What are you
planning to do?
I'm going to
slay the dragon.
Hey, neighbor.
Neighbor.
Nice hose.
Yeah. [LAUGHS]
You're right, Matt.
That's okay.
I've been meaning to
get a new one anyway.
Next time maybe get
a little shorter one.
Save the old azaleas.
[DOOR CLOSING]
Come on, everybody.
Let's go. We're going out
to dinner and I'm buying,
and why the sky's
the limit because...
Oh, we won.
Yes.
We won.
We got their hose.
We got their hose, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You two are so
clevered out...
Hey, you know what, he's
messing with the wrong guy.
God!
Damn it.
Damn it!
Damn it.
Hi, Matt.
He's been waiting
for you.
[EXHALES]
[TV PLAYING]
Hey, Matt.
It's getting
kind of expensive, Lenny.
You want to call it off?
Call what off?
It.
The water thing, this feud.
[SIGHS]
[REDUCES VOLUME]
You want to
just settle it up?
Yes, I do.
Let's just end it.
Marci, do have that
envelope for Matt?
Here you go, neighbor.
Sorry.
You'll find in there
a bill for a new set
of furniture cushions.
[CHUCKLES]
A bill.
We would appreciate
reimbursements
at your early as
possible convenience.
What about my car, Lenny?
You know what
it's going to cost to
refurbish that interior?
I don't now
anything about it.
Let's just
call it even, Lenny.
I'll forget it if you do.
I never forget
anything, Matt.
Never.
Really?
So what are you
going to do if I don't
pay the bill, Lenny?
You're going to just take me
down to Small Claims Court?
[CHUCKLES]
Hell, no, neighbor.
I'm going to take you out
in the backyard
and beat the piss out of you.
How much is it for?
Five hundred dollars.
What?
See, he didn't have the
receipts, said I would
have to trust him.
Said, however, he wasn't
going to bill me
for the hose.
Real sport.
Don't you
pay the bill.
Hey, you know what, Karen?
It's not like
we can't afford it
and if it buys a little
peace in the valley
then it's not such a...
Not such a bad idea.
It's 500 bucks, you know.
Don't you dare
pay the bill.
Okay.
You know what, Lenny?
Tell you what,
let's just...
Let's just do this,
like reasonable men.
Okay?
Just, you know, you and me,
man to man,
I'll tell you my problems,
you'll tell me your problems.
We'll come to
an understanding.
We'll communicate, it's like
couple of guys sitting
around and talking.
Lenny? You home?
Lenny.
Hello.
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi, it's Matt,
from next door.
[BARKING]
Rocky. Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Rocky, good dog.
Hi.
Good dog,
quite a watchdog.
Come on, down,
down, down.Is, uh...
Is Lenny home?
Oh, no, he took
Bucky and Spark
to the mall.
He took Bucky?
Sit.
Sit down.
Uh, Marci.
You know that, uh...
You know that
thing about, uh...
MARCI: Sit. Good dog.
...lawn furniture?
There's got to be
a better way to work this
out, don't you think?
Oh, that's a good doggie,
that's a good doggie.
What a good doggie
you are.
Anyway, could you
tell Lenny that I...
That I stopped by?
I'd like to just sit down
with him at a table
and kind of work
this thing out.
Just, kind of,
man to man, okay?
You want a cup of coffee?
MATT: No, no, I got to...
I got to get out of here.
Whoa, whoa.
On top of everything that
is going on around here,
you are not going to hurt
my feelings, are you?
MARCI: Now where did
that... Oh, there it is.
I'm so happy that we
are finally friends.
For the longest time,
Lenny and I
thought that you two
were too stuck up
to even talk to us.
Oh, no, not at all.
It's just...
You know, work and
other things.
Mmm-hmm.
Lenny really likes Karen.
Mmm.
[SNIFFS] Ugh.
It's good, 'cause she
likes you guys too.
He thinks your wife
is very classy.
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, he finds her
very appealing.
Well, I do too.
Thank you.
I don't know why Lenny
keeps watering you people.
He's mad as hell
about you not paying
that bill on his furniture.
But between you and me,
I don't think
that's his problem.
Well, what is his problem?
Don't know.
No, I don't want any...
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Lenny tell you that
he went to college?
No, did he?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, on a scholarship.
Didn't work out.
He got thrown
out of school.
He had what you
might call, um,
a little "exchange"
with a professor.
What kind of exchange?
Well, the guy gave
Lenny a "C," so Lenny
gave the guy a black eye.
Lenny is a very
stubborn guy, Matt.
You know, he probably keeps
watering your garden
because you keep
telling him not to.
Do you know
what I mean?
No, I don't know
what you mean.
Lenny is a creature
of the heart.
He feels things
very deeply.
He takes thing very,
very seriously.
Matt, can I show
you something?
Sure.
Oh, another one.
Lenny did it himself.
How sweet.
How sweet.
Yeah.
It hurt like hell.
I don't want Bucky
playing next door anymore.
That's crazy.
Sparky is his best friend,
they're at the mall now.
Yeah, well, I know they're
at the mall but when
they get back from the mall
I don't want him playing
over there anymore.
Those Benedetti's
are a bunch of lunatics.
No, they're not lunatics,
they're real people remember?
Yeah, a little
too real, okay.
You know that Marci Benedetti
has these little red hearts
tattooed right on her,
you know, bosoms.
Oh, do tell, and how
do we know this?
Well, you... You kind of
had to be there.
She showed you
her breasts?
Well, she didn't just like,
you know, whip them out.
I went over to talk
to Lenny about all this
watering business
and the next
thing I know,
I'm being stared down
by this pair of,
you know, valentines.
Okay, I am not
going to sit here
and defend Marci because
this whole ridiculous
feud is your fault,
you started it.
Are you on acid?
You...
No, are you insane?
He started it.
You watered
his furniture.
No, he watered
your azaleas.
No, no, no.
The azaleas.
You soaked his furniture
because you got caught
up in this stupid,
macho competition.
Oh!
That is not...
[KNOCK ON WINDOW]
Kids are out back.
Yo, Matt.
How about some B-ball?
Not now, Lenny,
because we're...
You know...
Oh, come on.
Come on, let's start over.
Let's start fresh.
Come on.
Two neighbors, okay.
Come on.
Okay. See you out back.
All right.
Great.
Okay, Lenny.
D-up.
I don't want your
fucking ball.
And I don't want you
paying visits to my wife
when I'm not at home.
I was looking for you.
I don't fucking appreciate
guys visiting my wife
when I'm not at home.
So I guess this means
we're not playing basketball.
Don't you ever talk
down to me, man.
Don't you ever
fucking patronize me.
Come on, Lenny,
get a grip.
You can't win, Teach.
And you know
why you can't win?
Because Lenny Benedetti
is not one of your pathetic
little college students
that you can
put in a corner
or send off
to the dean.
You want to stop me, man...
Hey, Lenny.
...you got to do
it man to man.
And I'm a better fucking
man than you, understand?
I'm a better man than you.
Okay.
God, what is
your problem?
Hey.
Lenny, look.
You're in this
fight all by yourself.
You hear me?
It takes two to tango, Lenny,
and I'm not dancing.
I'm not going
to fight with you.
How come you can't come
over to my house anymore?
My Dad won't let me.
Why not?
Because he's fighting
with your dad.
We can go to the park.
I don't know. I don't
think my dad will let me.
Man, your dad's an asshole.
No, he's not, yours is.
Well, so what if he is.
'Cause my dad can beat up
your dad anytime he wants.
Oh, so you're saying
that your dad
doesn't suck or anything?
Hey, you shut up
about my dad.
No, you shut up!
No, you shut up!
No, you shut
the fuck up.
[DOG BARKING]
BUCKY: Man,
what's your problem?
MATT: Yeah, so?
What did you say then?
I just walked off.
Sparky is an asshole.
Well, that's nice.
Hey, you know,
the language thing,
you're kind of
like a little kid.
Don't you think
you should avoid
that lousy talk?
MARCI: No, I got the keys.
Huh?
Oh, hi, Bucky.
Hi, Matt.
Hi.
Yeah, okay, Lenny.
Go ahead. Yeah, turn it on.
No, that's fine.
Hey, 'cause you know why?
'Cause I am not
playing anymore.
No, that's okay,
water the whole thing.
'Cause I am not
playing, okay?
[BARKS]
Go, go,
get out of here.
Oh, get his
paws off there.
Hey! Oh, look at this.
Don't let him
run across there.
Rocky, Rocky.
Rocky! Where's he?
Around the house?
Where is he?I don't know where he went.
How did he get out?
BUCKY: He jumped
out of their window.
Oh, there he is.
Get him off the paint.
Get him off the paint.
Oh, wait, get out
of the paint.
Oh, oh.
Get him, get him.
BUCKY: Rocky, Rocky.
Get him, no. Oh, oh...
BUCKY: Here, boy.
MATT: Rocky, Rocky,
come on.
Oh, not in the house.
Not in the house.
BUCKY: Rocky, here, boy.
MATT: Oh, no.
Where is he?
He's right there.
Come on, Rocky.
Rocky.
Oh, no. Rocky.
BUCKY: Come on, come on.
MATT: Come on.
Come on, boy.
MATT: Come on,
you little Rocky.
Come on, Rock.
Rocky.
MATT: Rocky, come here.
BUCKY: Come on.
Rocky, come on,
you little...
Come on, Rocky,
you fucking...
Get over here.
Come on, Rocky.
Pack your stuff,
we're moving to Alaska.
Got it all over the carpet
and everything. Oh, God,
I am so sorry, Marci.
No, I... Uh-huh.
Yeah, so is Lenny there?
Oh, no, I don't want to rub
it in, I want to apologize.
Really.
Uh-huh.
Yeah. Well, could he just
come to the phone for a...
Mmm-hmm. Okay.
Well...
Listen, would you
just tell him, I'm...
I'm just so sorry for the
mess and everything and...
Uh-huh. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, he could
call me back.
Okay. Yeah.
Says he's watching
the ball game.
It was an accident.
BUCKY: Toby!
Bucky.
Toby!
Bucky...
He's dead.
He's dead.
Buck...
I can't believe
he's dead.
Why did he
do this to me?
No, no.
TORRES: So you say
it was strychnine?
KAREN: Well, that's what
the vet says.
Well, we don't get
a lot of murdered dogs
around here, you know.
You know...
Well, you got one now.
I think you're
going to find
your motive and
your guilty party
right in the other room
because see we've
been having this
neighborhood feud.
It's gotten a little
out of hand.
And it's gotten a little
out of hand.
Ah, Mrs. Benedetti.
One sugar.
I remember.
Thank you.
Mrs. Benedetti, why don't
you tell me about this
feud you're having
with the Colers?
Oh, well, who can tell.
When these things get
started, it's just crazy.
We're all very
good friends.
Yeah, it happened a couple
of months ago.
We passed it up
and now it's over.
That's not true
and you know it.
Okay, okay, so you say
that the dog tracked
orange paint in here.
Yeah, this afternoon.
Not a few months
ago, this afternoon.
Well, there's no orange
paw prints on the glass,
and there's no orange
paw prints on the carpet.
I saw the dog
in this house.
He came in
through that window,
and he was...
He was like hopping,
hopping around all over
the couch here,
this love seat
and the carpet and he had
this paint, orange.
Well, it's like a rust...
See, rust-colored paint,
on his paws. He got
it over everything.
There's nothing
here now.
Well...
Maybe he cleaned
it all up.
A-ha.
It's beginning to sound
like the perfect crime.
Smell the carpet.
Smell it for
cleaning solvents.
Here, come on.
Let's smell the carpet,
right here.
Matt.
Here.
[SNIFFS] Come on, come on.
No, let's smell the carpet
because you can really get...
No, it was just...
It was here somewhere.
Maybe it was on the...
[SNIFFS]
It was...
Matt, Matt...
No...
It was...
Are we, uh...
Are we finished, Mr. Coler?
No, no, see,
it was an accident.
I was painting the porch,
and the dog,
he just kind of like
ran through
with his little paws
and he got them,
you know, all over.
And it was
cold-blooded murder
of the dog.
A dog murder.
Mr. Benedetti,
I've spoken to Mr. Coler
and now I'm speaking to you.
I want to
assure you both
that the killing of
a domestic animal
is a very serious business
and we take it
very seriously.
So I'm not going to close
up this case right away.
Do we understand
my meaning here,
Mr. Benedetti?
[MUMBLES]
Mrs. Coler, Mrs. Benedetti,
you both have
nice houses here,
nice families,
nice lawns.
So why don't you tell
your husbands to set
these problems aside,
so you can all get back
together and be friends, huh?
Bygones be bygones?
The man killed our dog.
Honey.
Mrs. Coler, whether he did
or whether he did not,
tomorrow is the first day of
the rest of your lives.
So you might as well
start fresh.
Bygones be bygones.
I'm going up to the college,
first thing in the
morning, I'm going to
check the listings.
That's it, I've had it.
No. Don't do that.
I thought you were the
one who wanted to live
in faculty housing.
Bastards.
I can't be run out
of my own house.
Don't let him run us
out of our own house.
Okay.
Oh, man.
Okay.
It's over anyway.
It's over.
LENNY: That wimp.
Pussy.
Oh.
What do you care,
lamb chop?LENNY: Called the cops on me.
You didn't kill
that damn dog.
And they didn't
arrest you, so...Called the cops on me.
All's well
that ends well.
You didn't kill
the dog, did you?
Baby girl, he called
the cops on me.
That son of a bitch.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, neighbor.
Hey, neighbor.
Ever think about putting
that cute, little garden of
yours somewhere else?
That's okay, Lenny.
I got it all worked out.
I'm going over to
the nursery and I am
putting up some hedges.
Nice tall, green...
...hedges.
You know what's great
about hedges, Lenny?
They fucking love water.
That's what's so great
about them.
And I'm going to go
get me some right now.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Shit!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Oh, nice!
What is your
fucking problem?
You broke my headlight.
I never touched you.
Lenny.
We shook hands, remember?
Didn't we?
That means something
to you, doesn't it?
Will you admit
that you lost?
Lost what?
This isn't a game...
This isn't a game, Lenny.
This is real life.
In real life,
there are no winners,
there are no losers.
That's what the losers
always say, chump.
Damn it.
It's okay.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Bucky.
Want to have a catch?
Get lost, Sparky.
Come on, Bucky.
Let's have a catch
over the fence.
Here, catch the ball.
Get off my property, Sparky.
Go play with your
stupid dog.
We didn't kill your dog.
Liar.
You're a liar.
You're a fucking liar.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Ow! Stop!
Get off of me.
You stupid idiot,
I hate you.Ow!
You killed my dog.
KAREN: Bucky.
You killed my dog.
Guys, stop that.
I didn't
kill your dog.
Now! Break it up
right now,
right now,
get up, Bucky.
You killed my dog!
What are you doing?
What's this about?
They killed my dog.
Are you all right?
Fine.
MATT: Feeling better now?
You know what? Me too.
And the important thing,
nobody got hurt.
BUCKY: I gave him
a bloody nose.
Hey.
Yeah, we know that.
We're not very proud of
it either. You hurt him.
They killed my dog.
You guys know that
they killed my dog.
We think so too.
But we can't always
go around settling
all our differences
with our fists.
What if everybody did that?
The world would be
a living hell.
I want you
out here, now.
Is Sparky all right?
[DOORKNOB RATTLING]
Lenny. Now, Lenny,
you have no right to
walk in our house...
Ah.
Outside, pal.
Wait, wait, wait. Ah!
Lenny, you are
out of your mind.
Lenny, I am calling
the police.
Get out!
Lenny, don't do this.
[GROANS]
Dad!
Ah!
Lenny, please.
Lenny, don't.
Please! Don't.
Lenny, stop it!
[MATT GROANS]
[COUGHING]
KAREN: We were
in the kitchen.
We were
having milk and cookies
and the next thing I know
he's tapping
at our window
and then he's pulling
my husband
out onto the back porch.
And you said your husband
made no move towards him.
No, he didn't.
No, I did not.
Okay, then that's it.
Unless you want to
add anything or
embellish it in anyway.
Do I look like
I have to embellish?
We want him picked
up right away.
Whoa, it's not that easy.
Why isn't it?
Well, for one thing
he's in a cubicle
over there right now
and he's filing
a complaint about you.
What?
About me?
Yeah.
Are you joking?
What are...
Takes two to tango,
come on.
Look at his face please.
Yeah. Yeah.
Look at my
husband's face.
Yeah. This is a tango.
Oh, yeah.
That's a piece
of work, yeah.Nice, isn't it? Thank you.
Mrs. Coler, these things
aren't always decided
by who takes the
biggest licking. Helen.
Okay, we found
the broken glass
but on the inside,
not on the outside.
That seems to indicate
that Benedetti
had broken the...
That's a clear indication.
We are going
to press charges.
Well, you can go ahead
and press charges
if you'd like,
but the man has no
priors. They are not going
to send him to jail.
So if you're done
filing your charges
and taking him to
court, guess what?
He's still going to
be your neighbor.
Okay, you know what?
I did it.
I started
the whole thing.
I am guilty,
I admit it to you...Sit down.
I admit it to you too.
Mea culpa,
I'm the bad guy.
Now what do I do to get
myself the hell out of this?
Just tell me.
That's all I want to know.
For one thing,
you can make up with him.
Oh, my God.
That's the best
the police can do?
Mrs. Coler. We're not judges,
we're not juries and there
ain't enough of us around
to be bodyguards.
You see where I am
coming from here?
The very best shot
we have in these situations
is to have
the neighbors live together.
That's it, I'm sorry.
Tomorrow morning,
I am calling the college
about faculty housing.
I thought you didn't
want to be driven
out of your own home.
I don't, but I don't
want to stay there either.
I don't know
what I want to do.
What do you
want to do?
Well, let me know
what you decide.
I'll help you out
anyway I can, okay?
Yeah, what are you
going to do for me?
Look, Mr. Coler,
Mr. Benedetti...
How can I say this?
My patience is wearing
real thin on this case.
So you know
what I suggest?
I suggest the both of you
learn how to live together.
MATT: Well, here's
the news flash.
I tried that already so...
Fine with me.
Yeah, fine with me too.
Whoa, now that
sounded sincere.
Lenny brought home
some of those fabulous
steaks from work.
Didn't you, lamb chop?
Would you guys like
to come to a barbecue
tomorrow night?
I don't think so.
Excuse me, can I...
Now I want you
to listen to me.
'Cause I am trying to
do something here
and I think you know
what it is.
If you do not come
to my barbecue
tomorrow night,
you will be
just as uncivilized
as these two galoots.
Come on.
Tomorrow night.
LENNY: And then
the lady says,
"Judge, I wouldn't mind
if it was just one time,
"but every time we went out
it was rape, rape, rape."
[LAUGHING]
You see,
it's all about
your fundamental
assumptions, you know.
Like, you take now.
We have a fist fight
and he puts up
a hell of a struggle.
I mean, I got to
hand it to you, Matt.
You put up
a hell of a struggle.
But you know why
his face looks like it came
out of a meat grinder?
Because he can't
let out the tiger.
He's built his whole life
around the assumption
of intellect.
Me?
MARCI: You're going to have
to excuse Lenny.
He's a little bit tense.
'Cause they are laying off
the packers at the meat plant.
I told you.
I'm okay.
I got seniority
and I am not tense, Marci.
All right?
I am a happy man.
Yeah, you're happy.
Barbecue always
makes me happy.
I'm a simple man
with simple taste.
And no matter what's
going on in this nasty
old world of ours,
there are three things
that always calm me down.
One, is a belly full of meat.
Two, is a game of
night baseball on TV
and three,
is watering my lawn.
Now that really
calms me down.
Watering my lawn.
[MIMICKING WATER SPRINKLER]
MARCI: You know what Lenny
did the whole day today?
He rewired the damn house.
He put in
dimmer switches
and, uh,
disco thing
and everything.
Yeah, well, I could
use some of that
in my kitchen.
You want a disco thing
in your kitchen?
No, it's just that...
You want a...
...disco thing in
your kitchen?
All my wiring's screwed up.
Hey.
I got a screwdriver.
Lenny is real good
with his hands.
[COUGHS]
A lady will not
be disappointed.
[COUGHS]
KAREN: You know,
there are drugs for
people like Lenny.
MATT: Yeah,
how about cyanide?
[KAREN LAUGHS]
MATT: Not him, Karen,
it's me.
I have a big mouth,
I'm a tease.
I think I'm smarter
than everybody else.
KAREN: You have a big
mouth, you are a big tease
and you're smarter
than everybody else.
You know the thing with
thinking you're smarter than
everybody else?
You know
what the problem is?
Everybody else is thinking
the same thing
about themselves.
Good point.
[EXHALES]
Does it make any difference
that I love you anyway?
All the difference
in the world.
[MATT CLUCKING]
Huh? Eggs a la Dad?
What do you say, huh?
Anybody? Hello?
Hello.
Yeah, sounds good to me.
Fine.
Where's the canola oil?
Wow. 800 free
travel miles.
You know, Buck.
You might try reading
a book once in a while.
That ever... Oh!
KAREN: Stop.
What is this stuff?
That's like some weird
space-age cooking stuff.
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING]
You know, the first time
I played that game.
I got 62 lines
and I think about 7,400
points or something.
What a genius.
Cool, Professor.
My God, I just
opened Lenny's mail.
He's been laid off.
Go put it back
in his mailbox.
Actually, you know what?
I'll do it later.
No, no, I, uh...
I'll drop it off
after the game.
So are these eggs, like,
ever going to be done?
Because I could have...
I could have had these
cooked, eaten and
been on the way by now.
BUCKY: Sometimes I just wish
you'd just
punch Lenny right
in the nose.
Yeah, and what
would that solve?I don't know.
Did it solve anything
when you punched out
your friend Sparky?
No, but I felt better.
Really? You felt better?
Fine, cool.
[YELLING]
I don't think
we're gonna hold on.
What are you doing, Dad?
Yeah.
I'm going to go back and
punch Lenny on the nose.
You can't do that.
Why not?
Because we're going
to the ball game, Dad.
Hey, make up your mind,
buckaroo breath.
You want me to take
you to the ball game
or you want to go back
and punch Lenny on the nose?
Which is it?
Go to the ball game.
Really?
Yeah.
[MATT YELLING]
What was that for?
Because I love you.
Yeah, I love you too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[HUMMING]
[GASPS]
LENNY: Hi.
Came to look
at your wiring.
It's in the kitchen.
Downstairs.
Oh...
Marcie would sure look
great in something like that.
Matt's a lucky man.
I bet the sex life has been
picking up around here, huh?
Lenny, I think it's time
for you to go home now.
You are just fascinated
by me, aren't you?
No, I'm not.
I bet you'd like to know
what these feel like
when they move,
wouldn't you?
Huh?
No, Lenny, I wouldn't.
Wouldn't you like to know
what they feel like
when they move, huh?
Touch one, Karen.
Come on, Karen.
Touch one. Hmm?
Oh, Karen.
Aren't you just
the teensiest,
weensiest, eensiest
bit curious, huh?
Huh?
Lenny, stop it.
You don't want to
do this, Lenny. Stop it!
You like
the rough stuff, huh?
You get the fuck
out of here, Lenny.
Get out of here now!
Come on, Karen, I thought
we had an understanding,
I thought you wanted me
to come over.
Get out.
Get out, you pig.
Right now!
What's all this talk
about your wiring
and my screwdriver?
What?
Get out.
Get out, Lenny.
Now!
Okay.
Okay, all right, I'm sorry.
Pardon me for living.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Dad caught a ball.
MATT: Well...
It was a...
It was nothing, really.
I mean, the ball was
coming right at me.
But I have to admit it,
it was fairly spectacular.
I want to move.
MATT: What?
What happened?
KAREN: I want to move.
It's time for you
to go to bed. Let's go.
Come on. You make sure
you floss tonight, all right?
I think maybe
Lenny tried to rape me.
Who are you calling?
Calling Sergeant Torres.
Don't.
Uh...
What do you mean don't?
Um...
Because I don't
want to do this.
Lenny is going to say
that he didn't do anything
and then Torres is
probably going to say
that I started it.
Matt, Lenny thinks that
I invited him here.
Okay, okay, okay, call.
Don't call.
Will you make up
your goddamn mind?
You want to move
or you don't want to move?
You want me
to do something about
the sprinklers
or you don't want me
to do something about
the sprinklers?
You want me
to press charges
or you don't want me
to press charges?
Make up your mind!
Okay, Karen, which is it?
I don't know.
You want to stay
or do you want to go?
Mom, well, just talk this
over with Dad.
We're going to Grandma's.
We're going to stay
a couple of weeks
and think this over.
Karen, Karen, please.
Let's talk it out first.
Just...
Please, please talk it out.
I'll call you when
I get there safely.
Don't do this.
Karen.
Lenny!
Oh, hiya, Matt.
Is he home?
Where's Lenny?
No, it's the night shift.
He's working
the night shift.
That's because
of all the cutbacks.
Hey, Lenny.
Someone wants
to see you.
Tell him to take
a number.Lenny!
I've had enough.
You touch my wife,
you so much as even
talk to her again
and I can't be responsible
for what will happen.
I'm serious, Lenny.
You understand me, right?
Do you?
Then fucking say something!
Why are you talking so
disrespectfully to me, huh?
I'm holding a knife.
It's got to stop, Lenny.
You crossed the line.
You have gone way over
the fucking edge!
I don't know what
you are talking about.
Now why don't
you just get the hell
out of here, huh?
I've got work to do, okay?
No, it's not okay,
and you don't have
any work to do either.
What are you talking?
You're fired.
Fired.
What are you
talking about?
LENNY: Shut up, Marci!
MARCI: Did you kill
their dog?LENNY: Just shut up!
You killed their dog,
did you?
You are a beast.
LENNY: Shut up!
You are a beast.
You're a beast.Ah!
LENNY: I'm out of here!
MARCI: Oh, yeah?
You're out of here?
LENNY:
You're goddamn right.
MARCI: All right,
you walk out that door,
you're never going to walk
in this house again,
you understand me?
You're never going to
walk in this house again.
LENNY: Fuck you, baby girl.
MARCI: Fuck you,
lamb chop.
Oh, yeah! Well...
[CLATTERING]
If I wanted back in, Marci,
I can just kick this
goddamn door in!
I could just
punch my hand
right through
this window, Marci.
But I ain't gonna.
And you know
why I ain't gonna?
Because I ain't never
coming back, baby girl.
Fuck you, lamb chop.
You're nothing
but bad luck.
So just keep out
of my face.
You hear me, baby girl?
I'm free as a bird!
You hear me, everybody?
I'm talking to the
whole neighborhood.
Unbelievable.
I'm free as a bird!
Free as a bird!
LENNY: What is your problem?
[DOOR LATCH LOCKING]
[DOOR KNOB RATTLING]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS] Oh.
My God, what are you doing?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's okay, it's okay.
I'm so sorry.
Karen, we've got to
get out of here right now.
We've just got to
get out of here.Why?
Right now.
Where are we going?
Come back, come back,
come back.What?
You got a problem
with my sprinkler, pal?
Run, Karen, run.
LENNY: One move
and I'll break his neck.Karen.
Everybody in
the living room.
Now!
MAN: Torres.
Hey.
You got another call
from that woman,
Marci Benedetti.
You know, the one
whose husband keeps
fighting with the neighbor.
Yeah, what did she want?
Well, she said
Mr. Benedetti
beat her up.
Said that she's okay.
She said she locked him
out and she wants us
to go out and find him
before he causes
anymore trouble.
Did he take the car?
Negative.
Send a cruiser out there.
Tell them to make a pass
every half hour or so.
You got it.
Tell them to keep
their eyes open.
Right.
We're going to
settle up right now.
Lenny, you have
no quarrel with us,
you know that.
No, that's fine.
I think we should settle.
You know, Lenny, just tell us
what the lawn furniture
is worth,
and you know what,
we'll pay double.
Karen will write it up.
Go get the checkbook, Karen.Okay.
Sit down, Karen.
All you have to
do is just tell us
what you want us
to write in there
and we'll put it in.
I don't want
your lousy money.
Well, fine then.
Then how would you
like to settle up...
Lenny?
Lenny, how would you...
How would you like
to settle up?
Arm wrestling.
KAREN: That's ridiculous.
Arm wrestling?
That's a...
No, that's fine.
Let's just
get it over with.
That's a great idea.
Yeah.
Give me your hand, Matt.
Come on.
Karen, you start
the count.
Isn't this a bit foolish?
I mean, it is, isn't it?
Three, two, one.
Three, two, one.
Okay. Three, two, one. Go.
[MATT GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
KAREN:
Matt, you're bleeding.
[LAUGHS]
Lenny, are you satisfied now?
Is that enough?
I'm okay, Karen.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Okay, Lenny. You win.
You win.
Jeez.
That's pathetic.
MATT: You win now, okay?
Are you finished?
That's pathetic, Matt.
That's... We're going to
have to build you up
for this. Come on.
Lenny, Lenny, just...
LENNY: Come on.
Ah!
[KAREN GASPS]
[MATT GROANS]
Build me up for what, Lenny?
What do you want
to build me up for?
I just want to...
I don't want to be built up.
I want to be your friend,
I want to be your...
Your neighbor, like before.
I'm calling the police.
For God's sake, Lenny.
Please, just let us...
Sit down and shut up.
You. Give me 20 push-ups.
What?
Do it!
You count.
Go ahead. One, two...
One.
Two.
Three.
Oh, that's it.
Four.
Get this phone.
Five.
Six.
LENNY: What is this,
this is...
[MOUTHING]
"Master of
English Literature."
KAREN: Seven.
"Doctor of..."
Eight.
What is this, Karen?
"Doctor..."
Philology.
LENNY: Philology.
Matt's a reading teacher.
Philology.
What's that like,
remedial reading?
KAREN: Sort of.
LENNY: All these words...
[LAUGHS]
Words are turds.
Words are fucking turds.
These diplomas, Karen.
They... They may
cover your walls
but they don't
cover your ass.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Only this
can cover your ass.
That's 20. Okay, Lenny.
So we're done, okay.
[TELEPHONE CLATTERING]
Let's check you out, Matt.
Come on,
come on up here.
Let's feel these
muscles here, huh?
Big enough
to cover your ass?Yeah.
Yeah.
I think they are
big enough now.
Okay, let's get it
on, huh?Lenny, wait.
What you're doing
is illegal and it's...
It's the kind of thing
people go to jail for.
Please don't do this.
Do you want to
talk or fight?
I hope you want to fight,
Matt, because that's
what I really want to do.
Lenny, don't do it.
Don't do it.
You got a problem with
my sprinkler, pal, huh?
Your kid got a problem
with my kid, huh?
Lenny, no, I...
LENNY: You ready
to get it on?
You'll fight me
like a man, huh?
Lenny. [GROANS]
Oh! Oh!
He's fighting me, Karen.
Doctor, he's a real little
fighting man now.
God damn it, Matt.
Is that the best you can do?
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
Run, run, run.
LENNY: God.
The keys, the keys,
the keys.
They're right there.
I'll get them.
MATT: No, no, Bucky.
Don't do it, Bucky...
You mean these keys?
Lenny.
Take your hands
off my son.
And you give me
those keys right now.
Now, let's all
sit back down
like the civilized
human beings we are
and not like
the blood-sucking vampires
we sometimes reveal
ourselves to be.
Bucky.
You come with me.
Sit down.
LENNY: Bucky, why don't
you sit right over here
next to me.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's...
Fine. That's fine.
Squad.
Yes, Mrs. Benedetti.
Yes, we did, Mrs. Benedetti.
Well, I'm sorry,
but Detective Torres
is unavoidably
undisposed at the moment.
It means he's unavailable.
He's in the can,
Mrs. Benedetti.
Don't let him
do this, Dad.
I won't, son.
I won't.
You know what, Lenny,
you've had your fun.
You made your point,
all right.
Why don't you let me take
you to the doctor
and we'll take a look
at that hand of yours?
No hard feelings, okay?
Sit down you.
MATT: For God's sake...
Where are you
going, Bucky?
This is a hot poker.
We don't want
you getting hurt.
Who are you
supposed to be?
The Statue of Liberty?
You were going to smack me
with that, weren't you?
Go to hell, Lenny.
You know, Matt,
I believe you're starting
to get the idea.
I'm not fighting
with you, Lenny.
I'm just not going to
fight with you anymore.
I'm not going to do it.
LENNY: Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Well, you're the one
who turned this into
a blood sport, pal.
I mean...
Look at my hand.
All fucked up.
But I'm about to
make a comeback.
There's nothing
to fight for.
LENNY: Oh, yeah?
I think I finally got
it all figured out.
Lenny.
Stay there, Matt.
Stay there.
Ooh.
Tell me, Matt...
Will you fight me
for this woman?
Hmm?
Will you fight me
for this?
Yeah.
Am I getting
through to you, Matt?
Yup, you are.
[LAUGHS]
Good.
You go into the kitchen
and you get yourself
a serious weapon.
Maybe that will even up
the odds a little.
And don't you even
think about running away,
you understand?
Never crossed my mind.
KAREN: You don't want
to be doing this, Lenny.
I hope you found
something nice and
sharp in there, Matt.
You know, I'm not going
to do it, Lenny.
I don't want to
have to hurt you.
Ready or not.
Here comes Lenny!
It just isn't fair, you know.
What's not fair, Matt?
I never did anything
to you, Lenny,
and you know it.
It isn't fair.
What's fair in life, Matt?
Tell me, Matt.
What's fair in life?
What's fair, Matt?
KAREN: Don't answer.
He's following your voice.
Is it fair that I had
to spend my whole life
as a working stiff?
Because I punched out
some asshole professor
in calculus class.
Is that fair, Matt?
Huh?
But he's got to
pay for that, Matt.
Somebody...
...has got to pay for that.
Somebody's got to
pay for that.
Tag.
You're it.
Come on, Matt.
Hit me with
your best shot.
[LENNY GROANS]
[THUD]
Get out of the house.
I'm gonna call the police.
Go, just go.
Run as far as you can.
KAREN: Lenny...
Lenny, move. Stop it!
Let go, Lenny. Lenny!
Lenny, get off me.
Lenny!
My name is Matt Coler.
C-O-L-E-R.
No.
Sergeant Torres
knows who I am.
KAREN: Lenny, stop it.
Matt!
Oh, my God.
KAREN: No!
Get off of me.
LENNY: These under panties
look familiar?
Think I'll go back and get me
a piece of the real thing.
Hmm?
[YELLING]
MATT: Come on, come on.
Come on...
What are you going to
do now, teacher man?
I'm going to kick
your fucking ass.
[TV PLAYING]
Son of a bitch. You ever
touch my wife again...
You touch
my wife again and I will
fucking kill you.
You hear me?
I'll fucking kill you.
I'll fucking kill...
Bring it, man, come on!
I'll rip
your fucking heart out!
You hear me?
You hear me? Here.
Kill you.
[LAUGHS]
I got to hand
it to you, Matt.
You're a better man
than I thought you were.
I really mean it.
I really do.
You're okay in my book.
Bygones be bygones?
Bygones be bygones.
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
Let's gather around
the campfire.
[GRUNTS]
Teacher, die.
No! No!
Die.
Die, teach.
Die!
[LENNY SCREAMING]
[CLATTERING]
Shit!
Get back.
They're in there.
Mrs... We'll take care of it.
We'll just take care of it.
Just calm down.
[SCREAMING]
Just wait...
Lenny, Lenny, Lenny!
Oh, my God.
Lenny, Lenny!
Lenny!
Lenny!
WOMAN: Let him through,
let him through.
MAN: Excuse me.
Coming through, please.
What happened?
He went too far.
You're having
trouble breathing?
Want to play?
Sure.
How you doing?
Good.
How are you?
Pretty good.
[INDISTINCT TALKING]
SPARKY: I'll beat you.