Next to Normal (2025) Movie Script

What are you doing up?
It's 3:30.
It's the seventh night this week
I've sat till morning...
Oh! Great! Here we go.
Imagining the ways
you might have died...
Yep!
And tonight's winner is?
In a freak September ice storm
with no warning...
'Cause that happens.
There's a gang war,
there's a bird flu, trains collide...
What'd we say
about watching the news?
Now you act all sweet and surly
But you swore you'd come home early,
and you lied...
You gotta let go, Mom.
I'm almost eighteen.
Are you snorting coke?
- Not at the moment.
- Who's up at this hour?
- Father. Go. Up the back way.
- Why does he hate me?
- Because you're a little twat.
- You can't call me a twat.
Is everything OK?
I heard voices.
Just me, talking to myself.
You know?
Now you head on upstairs.
- I'll be up for sex in a minute.
- You'll...?
- Are you sure everything's OK?
- Uh-huh.
Go.
They're the perfect loving family,
so adoring
And I love them every day
of every week
So, my son's a little shit,
my husband's boring
And my daughter,
though a genius, is a freak
Still I help them love each other
Father, mother, sister, brother,
cheek to cheek...
Natalie? It's four in the morning -
is everything OK?
Everything's great.
Why wouldn't it be great? It's great.
I've just got three more chapters of calculus,
a physics problem set, a history quiz,
and two more pages on floral imagery
in "Flowers for Algernon", which is just duh.
Everything's so under control,
it's just calm.
OK. Honey, you need to slow down
and take some time for yourself.
I'm going to have sex with your father.
Great.
Thanks.
So glad I know that!
So, it's times like these
I wonder how I take it
And if other families
live the way we do
If they love each other,
or if they just fake it
And if other daughters
feel like I feel, too
'Cause some days I think I'm dying
But I'm really only trying
to get through
For just another day
For another stolen hour
When the world
will feel my power and obey
It's just another day
Feeling like I'll live forever
Feeling like this feeling
never goes away
For just another day...
That was great, wasn't it? That was great.
Christ, I'm late.
Mm! That'll teach you
to take a whole ten minutes.
- I'm sorry, what?
- I said, isn't it a beautiful day?
Oh, yeah, sure.
It's cloudy and raining and really cold
for September, but beautiful.
Makes you want to dive in
with both feet, doesn't it?
Absolutely.
I never know what she's talking about.
When it's up you
to hold your house together
A house you built
with patience and with care
But you're grappling
with that gray and rainy weather
And you're living
on a latte and a prayer
Can you keep the cup from tipping?
Can you keep your grip
from slipping in despair?
For just another day
In the hustle and the hurry
You want to wipe
your worry clean away
For just another day
I will keep the plates all spinning
With a smile so white and winning
all the way
'Cause what doesn't kill me
doesn't kill me
So, fill me up for just another day
It only hurts when I'm here
Bum, bum, bum...
You're gonna be late,
and you've got a huge day today.
You have no idea what I do all day.
Jazz band before school,
class, Key Club, then football.
- Not bad.
- Mm. Now get out of here.
OK.
It only hurts when he goes
Bum, bum, bum...
Morning, sunshine.
So, I got the date for my winter recital -
do you think you guys can come?
Uh, yeah!
We'll put it on the calendar.
Mom, the calendar
is still on April of last year.
Mm. Well... happy Easter!
- Happy Easter, Mom.
- Hi, sweetheart.
Hey!
She's on fire this morning.
Oh, I know.
Eww!
Honey, can you do the shopping today?
I'm slammed at work,
and we're out of everything.
I keep cave clean.
You go out, get fire!
Uh-ha-ha... absolutely.
Again, no clue.
- It only hurts when I breathe
- It only hurts when I try
- It only hurts when I think
- It only hurts when I cry
- It only hurts when I work
- It only hurts when I play
- It only hurts when I move
- It only hurts when I say
- It's just another day
- A busy, busy day
And the morning sun is stunning
And you wish
that you were running far away
I will hide the mess away
- It's just another day
- And I'll survive another day
- Birds are singing, things are growing
- And I will pray
And you wish you would be going,
but you stay
- You stay
- For my family's sake
- Though you know it's now or never
- I'll take what I can take
- And you know that for forever
- Though I'm only just awake
Every day is just another
And another, and another
I will hold it all together
- We're the perfect loving family
- Diana?
If they say we're not,
then fuck 'em
We're the perfect loving family
- I will keep the plates all spinning
- Diana?
And the world
just keeps on spinning
- And I think the house is spinning.
- Diana. Honey?
- Dad?
- Don't worry about it.
- Go on ahead. You'll miss your bus.
- Mom?
Everything's fine!
Just making sandwiches.
On the floor. Um...
- You go on ahead. You'll miss your bus.
- Go.
- Sweetie? Everything OK?
- Yeah. I wanted to get ahead on lunches.
Yeah, sure.
Why don't you let me help you up?
Well, I guess
I got a little carried away.
Maybe a little.
Um, let's go see Dr. Fine.
This is just a blip, OK?
It's nothing to worry about.
I'll, uh... wrap up the sandwiches,
and then we'll go.
Mozart was crazy
Flat fucking crazy
Batshit, I hear
But his music's not crazy
It's balanced, it's nimble,
it's crystalline clear
There's harmony, logic -
you listen to these
You don't hear his doubts
or his debts or disease
You scan through the score
and put fingers on keys
And you play
And everything else goes away
Everything else goes away
So, you play till it's perfect,
you play till you ache
You play till the strings
or your fingernails break
So, you'll rock that recital,
and get into Yale
So, you won't feel so sick,
and you won't look so pale
'Cause you've got your full ride
and your early admit
So, you're done with this school
and with all of this shit
So, you graduate early,
you're gone as of May
And there's nothing
your paranoid parents can say
And you know
that it's just a sonata away
And you play
And you play
And everything else goes away
Everything else goes away
- Everything else goes...
- Sounds good.
Uh, I still have this practice room
for seven and a half minutes.
Yeah. I mean... I know.
I just like to listen.
I'm Henry.
- Natalie.
- Yeah.
I mean, I know.
It's a little creepy that you know.
We've gone to school together
for, like, six years.
Really?
I sit behind you in four classes.
Huh!
Also creepy.
You're in here a lot.
You know, before school...
...and after.
Right.
Seven minutes.
You give up way too easily.
Uh...
You're kind of a confusing person.
You should meet my mother.
The pink ones are taken with food
but not with the white ones.
The white ones are taken
with the round yellow ones
but not with the triangle yellow ones.
The triangle yellow ones are taken
with the oblong green ones
with food but not with the pink ones.
If a train's leaving New York
at a hundred and twenty miles an hour
and the other train is leaving St. Petersburg
at the same time but going backwards,
- which train...
- Who's crazy?
The husband or wife?
Who's crazy?
To live their whole life
Believing that somehow things
aren't as bizarre as they are?
Who's crazy?
The one who can't cope,
or maybe the one who'll still hope?
The one who sees doctors
or the one who just waits in the car?
And I was a wild twenty-five
And I loved a wife so alive
But now I believe I would settle
For one who can drive...
The round blue ones are taken with food
but not with the oblong white ones.
The white ones are taken
with the round yellow ones
but not with the trapezoidal green ones.
Break the green ones into thirds
with a tiny chisel.
- Put it all into a mortar...
- My psychopharmacologist and I
It's like an odd romance
Intense and very intimate
We do our dance
My psychopharmacologist and I
Call it a lover's game
He knows my deepest secrets
I know his name
And though he'll never hold me
He'll always take my calls
It's truly like he told me
Without a little lift,
the ballerina falls...
Goodman, Diana.
Bipolar disorder with delusional episodes.
Sixteen-year history of medication.
Adjustment after four weeks.
I've got less anxiety,
but I have headaches,
and blurry vision,
and I can't feel my toes.
So, we'll try again,
and eventually we'll get it right.
Mm! Not a very exact science, is it?
Zoloft and Paxil
and Buspar and Xanax
Depakote, Klonopin,
Ambien, Prozac
Ativan calms me when I see the bills
These are a few of my favorite pills...
Thank you, Doctor.
Valium is my favorite color.
How'd you know?
It's just that the thing about jazz is,
how do you ever know if you got it right?
- It's just making shit up.
- Which is also known as the act of creation.
Oh. You're one of those
pretentious stoner types.
That's totally unfair.
I'm not pretentious.
I'm definitely not classical.
It's far too rigid and structured.
There's no room for improvisation.
You have to play the notes on the page.
Yeah, and what did Mozart know,
anyway?
He should have just smoked a bowl
and jammed on "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star".
Yeah, let's do that!
Goodman, Diana.
Second adjustment after eight weeks.
Delusions less frequent,
but depressive state worse.
I'm nauseous,
and I'm constipated.
Completely lost my appetite
and gained six pounds.
Which is just... you know, not fair.
May cause the following side effects,
one or more
Dizziness, drowsiness,
sexual dysfunction
Headaches and tremors
and nightmares and seizures
Anxiousness, anger, exhaustion, insomnia,
irritability, nausea, vomiting
Odd and alarming sexual feelings
Oh, and one last thing
- Use may be fatal
- Use may be fatal
Use may be fatal
Goodman, Diana.
Third adjustment after twelve weeks.
Reports continued mild anxiety
and some lingering depression.
I now can't feel my fingers or my toes.
I... I sweat profusely for no reason.
I've wasted, like, weeks of practice
with you, improvising.
Oscar Peterson was classically trained.
- Beethoven did cocaine.
- Miles Davis went to Juilliard.
Mozart wrote poems about farts.
Fortunately,
I have absolutely no desire for sex.
Though whether that's the medicine
or the marriage is anybody's guess.
I'm sure it's the medicine.
Oh, thank you, that's very sweet.
But my husband is waiting in the car.
Who's crazy?
The one who's half-gone,
or maybe...
...the one who holds on?
Remembering when she was twenty
And brilliant, and bold
And I was so young
And so dumb
And now I am old
- And she was wicked and wired
- Though he'll never hold me
- The sex was simply inspired
- He'll always take my calls
- Now there's no sex, she's depressed
- It's truly like he told me
- And me, I'm just tired, tired, tired, tired
- Without a little lift, the ballerina falls
- Who's crazy?
- My psychopharmacologist and I
The one who's uncured,
or maybe...
- Together side by side
- ...the one who's endured?
- The one who has treatments
- Without him I'd die
- Or the one who just lives with the pain?
- My psychopharmacologist and I
They say love is blind
But believe me
Love is insane
Goodman, Diana.
- Sixteen weeks.
- I don't feel like myself.
I mean, I don't feel anything.
Uh-huh.
Patient stable.
Hey, uh... your mom's, like,
in the next room.
She's in denial.
It's totally convenient.
Dude. It's therapeutic.
Right. It's medical marijuana
to treat your ADHD.
Totally...
Huh!
Oh, uh...
I don't put anything into my mouth
that's on fire.
I guess that's a good rule.
Oh! Uh...
No...
I can't do this.
Not with my life.
I... I'm like... one fuck-up from disaster.
Your life's not a disaster.
The environment is a disaster.
X is a disaster.
- You're stoned.
- Our planet is poisoned
The oceans, the air
Around and beneath and above you
Um, Henry, that's true,
and I totally care
I'm trying to tell you I love you...
What?
The world is at war,
filled with death and disease
We dance on the edge of destruction
The globe's getting warmer
by deadly degrees
And this is one fucked-up seduction
This planet is pretty much broken
beyond all repair
But one thing is working
If you're standing there
Perfect for you
I could be perfect for you
I might be lazy,
a loner, a bit of a stoner
It's true
But I might be perfect
I'll make myself perfect
Perfect for you
You square all the corners,
I straighten the curves
You've got some nerve, Henry,
and I'm just all nerves
But even if everything else
turns to dirt
We'll be the one thing in this world
that won't hurt
I can't fix what's fucked up
But one thing I know I can do
I can be perfect for you
I can be perfect for you
Perfect
For you
Nice house.
- Can I come in?
- Oh, my God... no.
Are you spying on your own daughter?
When did she get a boyfriend?
How did I miss this?
Well... you kinda miss a lot.
You think they're in love?
Who knows?
They're young, they're horny...
It happens.
- Marry me.
- What?
Marry me.
Let's have a family.
I... I know, we're too young,
but we're not -
I'm almost twenty-two.
And how do you know this isn't a sign
saying we belong together?
How do you know it's not a sign
saying get new rubbers?
Because I know it's not.
I love you... and this baby.
- Dan... this is crazy.
- This is crazy.
- Maybe it is.
- Maybe it is.
There was a time when I flew higher
Was a time the wild girl running free
Would be me
Now I see her feel the fire
Now I know
she needs me there to share
I'm nowhere
All these blank and tranquil years
Seems they dried up all my tears
And while she runs free fast
Seems my wild days are past
But...
I miss the mountains
I miss the dizzy heights
All the manic, magic days
And the dark, depressing nights
I miss the mountains
I miss the highs and lows
All the climbing, all the falling
All the while the wild wind blows
Stinging you with snow
And soaking you with rain
I miss the mountains
I miss the pain
Mountains make you crazy
Here it's safe and sound
My mind is somewhere hazy
My feet are on the ground
Everything is balanced here
and on an even keel
Everything is perfect
Nothing's real
Nothing's real
And I miss the mountains
I miss the lonely climb
Wandering through the wilderness
And spending all my time
Where the air is clear
and cuts you like a knife
I miss the mountains
I miss the mountains
I miss my life
I miss my life
Are you sure about this, Mom?
What, you think it's a bad idea?
Um...
I think it's a great idea.
Yeah. I think you're brave.
What will your father think?
Nothing.
If he doesn't know.
- It's gonna be good
- Good, good, good
- It's gonna be good
- Good, good, good
- It's gonna be good
- G-O-O-D, good
- It's gonna be good
- Uh-huh
- It's gonna be good
- Mm-hmm
Two weeks, and it's all working
just the way I knew it would
And I don't sit at work
just waiting for the phone to ring
It's a good, good, good, good thing
- Ring...
- ...a-ling
- Ring...
- ...a-ling
- Hello? Oh, hi, sweetie!
- Uh-huh...
Yeah, everything's great, fantastic -
I disinfected the entire house,
rewired the computer,
and did some decoupage.
- OK. Bye-bye.
- Uh-huh...
Uh... next,
I think I'll retile the roof!
It's gonna be great
- It's gonna be great
- Fucking great
The sex is still amazing,
and we don't stay up that late
It's almost been a month,
and she's as happy as a clam
Do I look great? I am
Look, I'd ask you in,
but it's too soon.
We've been going out
for nine weeks and three days.
- Don't I get to meet your family?
- Oh... You keep count?
You're so the girl.
And no.
- Natalie! And this must be Harry!
- It's Henry.
Pleasure to finally meet you. Come on in.
Why don't you join us for dinner?
Uh, Dad, no!
Henry... really can't stay.
He's got, um...
- It's gonna be good
- ...homework.
- It's gonna be good
- Surgery.
Gonna sit right down together
- Like a happy family should
- Rabies.
And eat and talk, and laugh and joke,
my pride, my brood, and me
It's gonna be good, you'll see
We'll smile and chat,
and just like that we'll all be all OK
It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great
It's gonna be, gonna be,
gonna be great that way
Hey
It's gonna be good,
it's gonna be great
Gonna sit right down together
like a happy family should
And eat and talk, and laugh and joke,
my family and me
It's gonna be good, gonna be good
Gonna be, gonna be, gonna be,
gonna be, gonna be
Good, good, good, good, good, good,
good, good, good, good, good, good
Gonna be good, gonna be good
- It's gonna be good, you'll see
- OK! It's somebody's birthday!
Whose birthday is it?
My brother's.
I didn't know you had a brother.
I don't.
He died before I was born.
What?
What is it?
He's not here
He's not here
Love, I know you know
Do you feel
He's still real?
Love, it's just not so
Why is it you still believe?
Do you dream
Or do you grieve?
You've got to let him go
He's been dead
All these years
No, my love
He's not here
This is fucked!
- Language.
- No, fuck this.
It was wonderful to meet you both.
What about the new meds?
We have the happiest septic tank
on the block.
You...
- Jesus, Di, they were working.
- They weren't, really.
Alright, um... we'll get a new round.
We'll go back to Dr. Fine.
- No!
- Diana, look, I know this is hard.
Oh, you know?
Really?
- What exactly do you know?
- I know that you're hurting, alright? I am, too.
Do you wake up in the morning
and need help to lift your head?
Do you read obituaries
and feel jealous of the dead?
It's like living on a cliffside,
not knowing when you'll dive
Do you know,
do you know what it's like to die alive?
When a world that once had color
fades to white and gray and black
When tomorrow terrifies you,
but you'll die if you look back
You don't know
I know you don't know
You say that you're hurting
It sure doesn't show
You don't know
It lays me so low
When you say let go
And I say you don't know
The sensation that you're screaming,
but you never make a sound
Or the feeling that you're falling,
but you never hit the ground
It just keeps on rushing at you
day by day by day by day
You don't know, you don't know
what it's like to live that way
Like a refugee,
a fugitive forever on the run
If it gets me, it will kill me,
but I don't know what I've done
Can you tell me...
...what it is you're afraid of?
And can you tell me
why I'm afraid it's me?
Can I touch you?
We've been fine for so long now
How could something go wrong
that I can't see?
'Cause I'm holding on
And I won't let go
I just thought you should know
I am the one who knows you
I am the one who cares
I am the one
who's always been there
I am the one who's helped you
And if you think
that I just don't give a damn
Then you just don't know who I am
- Could you leave me?
- Hey, Dad, it's me
Could you let me go under?
Why can't you see?
Will you watch as I drown
- And wonder why?
- I wonder why
- Are you bleeding?
- Are you waiting, are you wishing
Are you wanting
all that she can't give?
Are you bruised, are you broken?
Are you hurting, are you healing,
are you hoping for a life to live?
Does it help you to know
- That so am I?
- Well, so am I
Tell me what to do
Look at me
Tell me who to be
- Look at me, and you'll see
- So, I can see what you see
- I am the one who'll hold you
- I am...
- I am the one who'll stay
- I am...
- I am the one who won't walk away
- I won't walk away
Yeah, yeah, yeah
- I am the one who'll hear you
- I am...
And now you tell me
that I won't give a damn
You don't give a damn
- But I know you know who I am
- Who I am
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's who I am
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's who I am
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's who I am
'Cause I'm holding on
You say you hurt like me
And I won't let go
- You say that you know
- Yeah, I thought you should know
Oh...
- You don't know
- I am the one who knows you
- I know you don't know
- I am the one who cares
- You say that you're hurting
- I am the one who's always been there
I know it ain't so
- You don't know
- I am the one who needs you
- Why don't you just go?
- And if you think that I...
- 'Cause it lays me low
- ...just don't give a damn
- When I say
- You just don't know who I am
You don't know
Who I am
- You don't know
- Who I am
You just don't know who I am
When she gets like this,
she's useless.
Can't use the phone,
can't drive, can't...
Well, I bet she's got great pills.
I mean, not that I would go there.
That shit's inorganic.
And totally ineffective, apparently.
You know me, I'm old-school.
A dying breed.
You see, all the preppies
and the jocks,
they're raiding
their parents' medicine cabinets.
They're popping Xanax
and snorting Adderall.
Really?
But me, I'm the master of the lost art
of making a pipe out of an apple.
Yeah.
You're the MacGyver of pot.
You promise this'll help?
No. What?
Superboy and the invisible girl
Son of steel and daughter of air
He's a hero, a lover, a prince
She's not there
Superboy and the invisible girl
Everything a kid oughta be
He's immortal, forever alive
Then there's me
I wish I could fly
And magically appear and disappear
I wish I could fly
I'd fly far away from here
Superboy and the invisible girl
He's the one you wish would appear
He's your hero, forever your son
He's not here
I am here
You know that's not true
You're our little pride and joy,
our perfect plan
You know I love you
I love you as much as I can
Take a look at the invisible girl
Here she is, clear as the day
Please look closely and find her
before she fades away
Superboy and the invisible girl
Son of steel and daughter of air
He's a hero, a lover, a prince
She's not there
She's not there
She's not there
She's not there
Let's not get discouraged.
Right? We'll find a doctor
who can treat you without the drugs.
There's someone out there for you.
In the depression forums,
they say it's like dating.
You know, you have to keep going
until you find the right match.
- They have depression forums?
- Yeah.
And, uh... this doctor
is supposed to be fantastic.
Like, a real rock star.
Three different women at work
gave me his name.
Three women at work know I'm nuts?
Uh... Ah!
Diana?
This way, please.
Yeah... yeah, yeah
What did you just say?
I said welcome.
I'm Dr. Madden. Have a seat.
It's... It's nice to meet you.
Let's get it on now, baby
- Excuse me, what?
- I said, let's get started.
Are you nervous, Diana?
I am, a little.
Um... a bit out of breath.
Tingly, actually. Uh...
Now you go.
Uh, let's start
by getting to know each other a bit.
Psychotherapy and medication
work best in tandem,
but we can try the first alone
and see how far we get.
Why don't you tell me...
Baby, what's your history?
Where'd you go,
and who'd you see? Yeah
- Um... my history?
- Mm.
OK, uh...
I was diagnosed bipolar
sixteen years ago, uh...
but it turned out bipolar
didn't totally cover it.
Often the best we can do is put names
to collections of symptoms.
It's possible bipolar has more in common
with schizophrenia than depression.
When I was young,
my mother called me "high-spirited".
She would know. She was so high-spirited
they banned her from the PTA.
Sometimes we have
a predisposition to illness,
but actual onset is often triggered
by some traumatic event.
Look, I never know what to say
when I have to go over all this.
It starts to sounds like some story I tell
about some other person entirely.
Why don't you tell me
about the last time you truly felt happy?
Were you happy when you got married?
Yeah, I thought I was.
There's a difference between being happy
and just thinking that you're happy?
Most people who think they're happy
just haven't thought about it enough.
Most people who think they're happy
are actually just stupid.
I see. Uh, were you happy
when your son was born?
My son?
Tell me about him.
About my son?
Why is he still around?
Who is he?
What is he?
I am what you want me to be
And I'm your worst fear,
you'll find it in me
Come closer
Come closer...
Where does he come from,
do you think?
I am more than memory
I am what might be, I am mystery
You know me
So, show me
When I appear, it's not so clear
If I'm a simple spirit
or I'm flesh and blood
But I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive
And I feed on the fear
that's behind your eyes
And I need you to need me,
it's no surprise
I'm alive
So alive
I'm alive...
Four times a week?
That's a lot, isn't it?
Um, it's what the doctor recommended.
This is never going to get better, is it?
He's never going away.
I don't know, Natalie.
You know, this is one of those moments where
you could just be a typical parent and lie.
- Say yes.
- Yes.
Ah, thanks.
That's comforting.
I am flame, and I am fire
I am destruction, decay, and desire
- I'll hurt you
- You know, Natalie...
- I'll heal you
- ...it's not all about your comfort.
I'm your wish,
your dream come true
And I am your darkest nightmare, too
- I've shown you
- It's about helping your mother.
- I own you
- As always.
And though you made me,
you can't change me
I'm the perfect stranger
who knows you too well
And I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive
And I'll tell you the truth
if you let me try
You're alive, I'm alive,
and I'll show you why I'm alive
I'm so alive
I'm alive...
Risperdal?
I'm alive...
Valium?
Xanax?
I'm alive...
What the hell?
I'm alive
I'm right behind you
You say forget, but I remind you
You can try to hide,
you know that I will find you
'Cause if you won't grieve me
You won't leave me behind
Ah, hoo...
Let's say he's eighteen now -
isn't that when kids move out?
Isn't it time to let him go?
No, no, no,
I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive
If you climb on my back,
then we both can fly
If you try to deny me,
I'll never die
I'm alive
So alive
I'm alive
Yeah, yeah
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
It's been four weeks,
and I'd like to try something new today.
Sometimes,
when these stories are hard to tell,
hypnosis can be helpful.
Oh...
I, uh... I don't think
I could be hypnotized.
- I mean, it's fine. I'm just not the type.
- Uh-huh.
Put your feet on the floor.
Your hands in your lap.
Breathe.
- Walk with me, walk with me
- OK. Walking.
Go all the way down
- Down a long flight of stairs
- Ooh, stairs!
Go step by step
into the darkness down there
Should we turn on a light?
You know, for the stairs?
Walk with me, down a hall
A hall that you know,
at the end, there's a door
It's a door that you've never
laid eyes on before
Open the door
Open the door...
Can you hear me, Diana?
Yes.
Are you nervous?
No.
Good.
Now...
Make up your mind
to explore yourself
Make up your mind,
you have stories to tell
We'll search in your past
for what sorrows may last
Then make up your mind
to be well...
Di, you come home
from these sessions in tears.
Is this helping, or...
Di?
Di?
We were both undergrads.
Architecture.
The baby wasn't planned.
Neither was the marriage.
I'd always expected to be too busy,
but... when the baby came,
it all seemed to make sense.
Until...
Until...
Until?
He's not here
He's not here
Love, I know you know
Make up your mind
that you're strong enough
Make up your mind,
let the truth be revealed
Admit what you've lost,
and live with the cost
At times it does hurt to be healed
- Catch me, I'm falling
- In our first session, you told me...
- Catch me, I'm falling
- ...that talking through your history...
Faster than anyone should
- Catch me, I'm falling
- ...feels like it's about someone else.
- Please hear me calling
- Make it about you.
Catch me, I'm falling for good...
Hey.
I'm not supposed to be backstage,
but, uh...
- For luck.
- Uh, did you see my parents out there?
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
My dad said they'd both be here.
- OK, well, I'm sure they will be.
- Will they?
We had Natalie to re...
And I know she knows.
I couldn't hold her, in the hospital.
Where the hell are they?
I couldn't let myself hold her.
That's the first time you've mentioned Natalie
in weeks of therapy.
Goddamnit!
She's not there
She's not there
She's not there
Make up your mind,
you want clarity
Take what you know,
and then make it make sense
Just face what you fear,
and soon it comes clear
The visions are just your defense
Thank you for coming.
Natalie Goodman.
Try to understand what all of this
is doing to you and to your family.
Your grief for your son.
Your distance from Natalie.
Yeah...
Sorry.
Sorry, it's just, um...
You know what the problem
with classical is?
It's so rigid... and structured.
You have to play the notes on the page.
There's no room for improvisation.
Oh, no.
- Catch me, I'm falling
- Make up your mind, you can live at last
- Take a look
- Make up your mind to be fully alive
Embrace what's inside
Replace what has died
And make up your mind,
you'll survive
- Catch me, I'm falling
- Unresolved loss can lead to depression.
- Catch me, I'm falling
- Fear of loss to anxiety.
Flying headfirst into fate
Catch me, I'm falling...
The more you hold on
to something you lost...
- Please hear me calling
- ...the more you fear losing it.
- Catch me before it's too late
- Depression, anxiety...
- Catch me before it's too late
- Depression, anxiety,
one gives rise to the other.
- Catch me before it's too late
- It becomes a cycle.
Catch me, I'm falling
Catch me, I'm falling
Catch me, I'm falling
Wouldn't you like to be free
from all of that, finally?
Wouldn't you like to go home,
clear out his things,
maybe spend some time
with your daughter,
and let your son go...
...at last?
Uh... should we go?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Mom?
Yes, I would.
This, um...
This is good, Di.
This is a good step.
OK...
I saw you light the ballroom
With your sparkling eyes of blue
Graceful as an angel's wing
I dreamed a dance with you
You whispered slyly, softly
You told me you would be true
We spun around a thousand stars
I dreamed a dance with you
I know the night is dying, dear
I know the day will dawn
The dancers may disappear
Still the dance goes on
And on
I'll wake alone tomorrow
The dream of our dance is through
But now until forever love
I'll live to dance with you
I'll dream my love
I'll live my love
And I'll die to dance with...
There's a world
There's a world I know
A place we can go
Where the pain will go away
There's a world
where the sun shines each day
There's a world
There's a world out there
I'll show you just where
And in time I know you'll see
There's a world where we...
...can be free
Come with me...
Goodman, Diana.
Come with me...
Discovered unconscious at home.
There's a world
where we can be free...
Multiple razor wounds to wrists
and forearms, self-inflicted.
Come with me
Saline rinse, sutures, gauze,
I.V., antibiotics.
Isolated, sedated and restrained.
Damn it!
ECT is indicated.
Wow! Um...
I mean, they still do that?
We do, yes.
It's the standard in cases like this.
She has a long history
of drug therapy resistance,
and she's acutely suicidal -
it's really our best option.
- It's kind of terrifying.
- It's not.
The electricity involved is barely enough
to light a hundred-watt bulb.
Oh... well,
if it's just a hundred-watt bulb...
It's safer than crossing the street,
and the short-term success rate
is over eighty percent.
I thought she was better.
Sometimes,
patients regain just enough strength
to follow through on suicidal impulses,
but not enough to resist them.
Well, that seems very fucked.
Yes.
Legally, we need her consent,
and hospital policy says
we need yours, too.
- I don't think she's gonna go for this.
- Mr. Goodman,
I can administer the ECT,
and you can take her home in three weeks,
or I can keep her sedated
for another forty-eight hours,
discharge her,
and wait for her to try again.
Go home, take the night.
We'll talk to her in the morning.
Standing in this room
Well, I wonder what comes now
I know I have to help her
But hell if I know how
And all the times that I've been told
The way her illness goes
The truth of it is,
no one really knows
And every day, this act we act
gets more and more absurd
And all my fears just sit inside me,
screaming to be heard
I know they won't, though -
not a single word
I was here, at her side,
when she called, when she cried
How could she leave me
on my own?
Will it work, this cure?
There's no way to be sure
But I'm weary to the bone
And whenever she goes flying
I keep my feet right on the ground
Oh, now I need a lift
And there's no one around
- Hey
- Hey, oh
- Oh, ooh
- Oh, ooh
You know
And I've never had to face the world
without her at my side
Now I'm strolling right beside her
as the black hole opens wide
Mine is just a slower suicide
I've been here for the show
Every high, every low
But it's the worst we've ever known
She's been hurt, and how
But I can't give up now
'Cause I've never been alone
I could never be alone
- Why didn't you take me with you?
- Don't see a lot of you these days.
Is this Henry a good influence?
Like, compared to what?
OK, that's fair.
The aftereffects are minimal.
You'll feel like you have a bit of a hangover.
Mom? Mom!
Please don't let them do this.
It causes brain damage.
Your mother's in
for a new treatment, ECT.
OK.
- L-M-N-O-P, what is that?
- Electroconvulsive therapy. Shock therapy.
A minority of patients
have reported some memory loss,
but it's usually not much memory.
How do you know how much memory
you've lost if you've lost it?
You're kidding, right?
- Dad, that's bullshit!
- Language!
Patients have said
it's like becoming a new person.
- It's bullshit! She trusts you.
- Natalie!
Didn't I see this movie,
with McMurphy and the nurse?
That hospital was heavy,
but this cuckoo's nest is worse
Isn't this the one
where in the end the good guys fry?
Didn't I see this movie,
and didn't I cry?
Didn't I cry?
The modern procedure is clean and simple.
Hundreds of thousands of patients
receive it every year.
What makes you think
I'd lose my mind for you?
I'm no sociopath
I'm no Sylvia Plath
I ain't no Frances Farmer
kind of find for you
So, stay out of my brain
I'm no princess of pain
Didn't I see this movie
with the doctor dressed like you?
Where the patient got impatient
and said, "Sorry, Doc, I'm through"
I know where this is going,
and I know what you're about
'Cause I have seen this movie,
and I walked out
I walked out
I'm walking
One light shines in the drive
One single sign
that our house is alive
Our house
Our own
So, why do I live there alone?
Tell me why I wait through the night
And why do I leave on the light?
You know
I know
Our house was a home long ago
Take this chance
'Cause it may be our last to be free
To let go of the past
And to try, to be husband and wife
To let love never die
Or to just live our life
Take my hand
And let me take your heart
Keep it far from what keeps us apart
Let us start
With a light in the dark
- Night falls, I stare at the walls
- I stare at these walls
I wake and wander the halls
- I get lost in these halls
- And I ache to the bone
It's like nothing I've known
- I can't get through this alone
- I can't get through this alone
Take this chance
And we'll make a new start
Somewhere far
from what keeps us apart
And I swear
that somewhere in the night
There's a light
A light in the dark
Come on, this is my favorite club.
Let's go.
Isn't three clubs a little much
for a Tuesday night?
- Wednesday morning?
- Come on, they're playing my favorite song.
They're all your favorite song.
What are you on?
Adderall. And Xanax.
And Valium. And Robotussin.
Since when did you become
a bad influence on me?
Hey, I'm under stress.
My mom's in a hospital being electrocuted.
Good morning, Diana.
It's good to see you again.
Seriously, she gets it, like,
every other day for the next three weeks.
I can't even deal.
I'd never let them fuck with my brain like that.
No, you're strictly a do-it-yourself-er.
I see you've met our anesthesiologist.
Now, just relax, breathe normally,
count backward from one hundred,
and before you reach zero,
you should be asleep.
When you wake up, you may feel
some muscle stiffness, disorientation -
don't worry, it's completely normal.
Diana?
Diana?
Good.
In an instant, lightning flashes
And the burst might leave me blind
When the bolt of lightning crashes
And it burns right through my mind
It's like someone drained my brain out
Set my frozen mind to thaw
Let the lethargy and pain out
While I stood and watched in awe
I am riding on the brightest buzz
I am worlds away from who I was
And they told me it would change me
- Though they don't know how it does
- Though they don't know how it does
I have lived a life of clouds and gray,
but this is crystal clear
- Wish I were here
- Wish I were here
I imagine it's remarkable,
exuberant, austere
- Wish I were here
- Wish I were here
- Wish I were here
- Wish I were here
It's euphoria, it's anger
- It's the winter wind, it's fire
- It's the winter wind, it's fire
And it kills my deepest hunger
as it fills me with desire
I'm the light and heat of every sun
I'm a bullet from a magic gun
And I'm trying to enjoy it
But I'm missing all the fun
Am I feeling what I think I'm feeling?
The hope, the heat, the fear?
- Wish I were here
- Wish I were here
Is this someone else's head trip?
Do I just disappear?
- Wish I were here
- Wish I were here
- Wish I were here
- Wish I were here...
Natalie!
What are you doing in my electricity?
It's always all about you, isn't it?
I'm Robotripping.
I can't feel my legs.
I don't want you doing drugs.
Well, that's persuasive,
coming from Pfizer's Woman of the Year.
- You're the one who's hallucinating.
- It's my treatment.
It's a miracle.
Everything is different now.
I know what you mean.
Plug me in, and turn me on
And flip the switch
I'm good as gone
It slips my skin and trips my brain
I feel the burn
But I don't feel the pain
Is my brain reborn or is it wrecked?
In freedom or in fear?
- Wish I were here
- Wish I were here
Have I blown my mind forever?
Is cloudy my new clear?
- Wish I were here
- Wish I...
- Wish I were here
- ...were here
- Wish I were...
- Natalie! Natalie!
Natalie, come on!
This is the fifth night in a row I've had
to come find you at some random club.
Diana?
Dan.
Three weeks are up.
It's time to go home!
- Home? But, I...
- No, don't... don't talk. Just relax.
OK, you can go.
I'm, like, seventy percent
less messed up now.
Seriously, my dad's gonna be home
any minute.
He's bringing my mom back from the hospital -
you don't wanna be here.
- Will you call me?
- Just go!
Can I hide my stupid hunger?
Fake some confidence and cheer?
Wish I were here
Wish I were here
- We're here.
- Hey.
Wow!
You look great.
Oh, well... thank you.
And who are you?
- Who am I?
- Diana. This is Natalie.
Your daughter.
Oh.
Of course.
And this is our house?
Diana, don't you...
Um, you don't remember
any of this?
I should, right?
This house and all these rooms?
Last Christmas or last year?
Out back the dogwood blooms
Do I really live here?
The paint, the walls
All this glass and wood
You don't recall?
How I wish I could
Our house on Walton Way
The house with the red door?
Our trip to St. Tropez
The whole week a downpour?
My first few steps
And my first lost tooth
What, nothing yet?
To tell the truth...
Sing a song of forgetting
A song of the way things were not
Sing of what's lost to you
Of times that you never knew
Sing of not remembering when
Of memories that go unremembered,
and then...
Sing a song of forgetting again
That day our child was born
Our baby girl's first cry?
That gray and drizzly morn
I've never felt so high
The day we met
And we shared two beers
Then?
I forget
That's nineteen years...
Well, Dr. Mitchell did say
there may be some memory loss.
It's Dr. Madden.
Well, see, there you go.
What a lovely cure
It's a medical miracle
With a mind so pure
that she doesn't know anything
It's there, I'm sure
'Cause memories don't die
Why?
- They don't die
- They die
I'll try
- Sing a song of forgetting
- Sing a song of forgetting
- A song of the way things were not
- A song of the way things were not
Sing of what's lost to you
- What's lost to you, what's lost to you
- Of times that you never knew
You never knew
Sing of not remembering when
Of memories that go unremembered,
and then...
Sing a song of forgetting
Sing a song of forgetting
Sing a song of forgetting
Again
Hey
Hey
I've missed you these days
I thought you might call
- It's been weeks
- I've been crazed
Hey
Hey
Have you been on the scene?
'Cause you look like a mess
Thanks, I guess
Are you clean?
- Wow! Coming from you!
- I don't do what you do
- OK, how did it start?
- But you took it too far
Oh, I took it too far?
- Henry, don't... don't do this to me
- Are we over?
Don't say that we're over
- Don't you want us to be?
- No, I want who I knew
She's somewhere in you
Hey
Say
Will you come to this dance?
It's some spring formal dance
It's May 1st, and it's cheese
But it's fun, and it's free
I don't do dances
Do this dance with me
Goodbye, Henry
Natalie.
Natalie, wait up.
This much loss is rare,
but it has been reported.
It may be partly psychogenic -
at times like this, the mind tends
to repress troubling memories.
But they're still there, somewhere.
They tend to return in fits and starts.
It's been two weeks.
A little loss of memory is normal
And helpful in forgetting all her fears
I couldn't give a flying fuck
what's normal
We haven't had a normal day in years
Diana, are things becoming clearer
with the treatment?
- Yes.
- Is life less cloudy than it was before?
Well... yes.
Do you still feel your head
is filled with concrete?
No.
And you're not
a scary rock star anymore...
OK... great.
What about her memory?
The memories are there,
somewhere
Find some pictures you can share
Keepsakes of the life
that's there behind her...
- Do I bring up the subject of, um...
- Yes.
But keep it light at first,
that's best
Careful that she's not distressed
When the time's right,
tell the rest
Remind her
You'll find her
So, let's start with something small
Something personal and pretty
I bet you'll know these shiny things...
Um... they must be tacky trinkets
from, I guess, Atlantic City?
No! Actually, Di,
they're our wedding rings...
It's going well.
Here's a flower from our wedding
It was such a sight to see
With the ceremony
everything we'd hoped...
Uh... Dad?
Well, that's how I remember it
So, that's how it'll be
It was raining, it was Portland,
you eloped...
I mean, Portland?
It's an open book to write here
It's a life we can restore
We can get back what we had
and maybe more
Maybe get us back
to better than before...
Uh...
You're missing a few pictures here, Dad.
Didn't the doctor say...
The doctor said at the right time.
Oh! Well, then.
Here's the year we drove the West
We hit the highway in the Honda
And I took pictures
everywhere we went
We saw the Painted Desert,
the Grand Canyon, and Aunt Rhonda
And Nat learned
what her middle finger meant
Here's the first house
that we owned
On Walton Way,
we loved that place
Then we built this one
on land that we both chose
And here's a pic of all of us
with smiles on every face
And the photoshopping
hardly even shows
We're standing by a lake,
with all these ducks
And who's this little chubby girl?
- That's Natalie
- This sucks...
Hey, Nat! Nat!
Gonna get us back to normal
Gonna get us back to good
Gonna get back what we had
and maybe more
We'll remember all the good times
and forget the things we should
Gonna get us back
to better than before
We can get things back
to better than before...
Alright.
Fine.
Here's the headline in the paper
When you freaked out at the market
Here's the house on Walton Way
after the fire...
Natalie!
Here's the damage to the Honda
When you showed me how to park it
Did we crush somebody's cat
beneath the tire?
Yes.
Ours.
Here's Dad at my recital
And we're wondering where you are
I remember this -
I made it to the school...
Wait, you remember?
It was the year of too much lithium
- I hid out in the car
- Yes.
And your swim meet, just last year,
I'm in the pool
So you are
You're getting it!
You've got it, Di! Hooray!
Your life has kind of sucked, I think
You've got it! Yay! Hooray!
- Hooray!
- Hooray!
Gonna get back what I lost there
Gonna find out who I was
Gonna open up the gates
and let it pour
And if memory makes things better,
well, memory always does
Gonna get us back
to better than before
Make everything much better
than before
- Won't anything be better than before?
- Better than before
- I guess it must be better than before
- Better than before
Better than before
They've managed to get rid of me,
return me to the grave
ECT, electric chair,
we shock who we can't save
They've cleared you of my memory,
and many more as well
You may have wanted some of them,
but who can ever tell?
Your brainwaves are more regular,
the chemistry more pure
The headaches and the nausea will pass,
and you'll endure
Your son is gone forever, though,
of that the doctor's sure
The memories will wane
The aftershocks remain
You wonder which is worse
The symptom or the cure
Di, honey...
- You've been at this for days.
- Something is missing, Dan.
It's like it's tugging at me.
- I can almost see it.
- Come to bed.
If... If the memories
are meant to come back, they will.
Oh...
Hi, Ms. Goodman.
I just needed to talk to Natalie
about some homework.
I know it's late. Um...
She's not been answering her phone,
and I thought...
- Is everything OK?
- Henry?
Yes.
God, you remind me of someone.
How old are you?
Seventeen.
Why?
I don't know.
- Uh, Natalie's in her room.
- Thank you.
They've managed to get rid of me,
I'm gone without a trace
But sear the soul and leave a scar
no treatment can erase
They cut away the cancer
but forgot to fill the hole
They moved me from your memory,
I'm still there in your soul
Your life goes back to normal now,
or so they all believe
Your heart is in your chest again,
not hanging from your sleeve
They've driven out the demons,
and they've earned you this reprieve
The memories are gone
The aftershocks live on
But with nothing to remember
Is there nothing left to grieve?
With nothing to remember
Hey
Hey
So, tomorrow's the dance
It's annoying, I know
But let's go
Not a chance
- Let me know you again
- Not right now
OK, when?
Say wait, and I'll wait
It's already too late
- There's no way it's too late
- Hey
- There's no way
- Hey
- I stayed by your side
- Will you listen?
Just shut up and listen
Why do I get denied?
You remind me of me
And how fucked up I can be
OK
Hey
Let's start over, clean slate
I'll come by here at eight
If you show, then we'll go
And if you don't, well, we'll see
You just don't give up
So, don't give up on me
Goodbye, Henry
It's been four weeks
since the treatment
And my mind is still a mess
And what's left to be remembered,
well, it's anybody's guess
'Cause my past is like the weather
It will come, and it will go
I don't know, even know,
what it is that I don't know
I'm some Christopher Columbus,
sailing out into my mind
With no map of where I'm going
or of what I've left behind
I don't know the things I don't know
I'm sure something's missing,
and I wish it would show
I don't know
You say take it slow, and I do
Although how I do, I don't know
Are you talking
with your husband?
Well, he hasn't much to say
Is it helping you remember?
I remember that's his way
Does the puzzle come together
piece by piece and row by row?
I don't know, I don't know
where the fucking pieces go
'Cause I don't know how this started
So, I won't know when it's done
Have you talked of your depression,
your delusions, and your son?
My what?
Your husband didn't... Mm!
I think you two should talk more.
We should talk more?
That's it? I don't even remember
marrying this man!
It's not like I'm some
sexually frustrated soccer mom.
Interestingly, the underlying challenges
are similar, but, uh...
I'll see you next week.
- But Doctor, I...
- Next week!
What are you doing?
- What is this?
- Hey, where'd you get that?
Um, it's, uh...
It's nothing, it's uh...
it's just an old music box.
We used to play it for the baby.
Sometimes it helped him sleep.
- Diana...
- Him!
We did have a boy.
Diana, you shouldn't.
We were still living downtown...
It's not a good idea.
My black coat
thrown over my blue nightgown
You drove too fast
The lights of the city flew past...
Please don't.
How could I ever forget?
Outside,
the morning was cool and wet
He had such chills
But still, he lay there so still
And just eight months old
So cold...
We ran him inside
Lost, worrying, wondering
That hospital room
That gloom
How could I ever forget?
How could I ever forget?
- Screaming at doctors, alarmed, upset
- God, I was so upset
- They said to wait
- Diana, don't
- They never said we were too late
- You think this will help, but it won't
- But I was a child
- So many years ago
- Raising a child
- So much we could not know
Those weeks full of joy
Then, a moment of dread
Someone simply said
Your child is...
- How could I ever forget?
- How could I ever forget?
This was the moment my life was set
That day that I lost you
It's clear as the day we met
How could I ever...
...forget?
Why would you want to remember
the things that hurt you?
I want to remember everything, Dan.
How did he die?
He was sick.
With what?
Why wasn't he treated?
What was wrong?
Something the doctors all missed
The clinic, the ER, each specialist
They said, "Babies cry
"Allergies, gas, who knows why?"
And I was a child
Raising a child
We stayed up all night
Most nights, you slept at his side
But still he just cried...
...and cried
He was a baby when he died,
but I remember him older.
No, he was a baby. Um...
We should call Dr. Madden.
Why would we call Dr. Madden?
I'm just... I'm trying to make sense of this.
God... what was his name?
I don't remember you ever saying his name.
Why is that?
Diana, um...
What was his name?
- Tell me.
- It's gonna be fine, it's gonna be fine
Gonna go back to the doctor
- 'Cause we caught it just in time
- His name!
We'll take the pills and pay the bills,
we'll do more EC- Our son...
- It's gonna be good, you'll see
What was his name?
- It's gonna be good, you'll see
- What was his name?
- It's gonna be good, gonna be good
- What was his name? What was his name?
What was his, what was his,
what was his
Name, name, name, name, name, name,
name, name, what was his name?
- What was his name?
- No!
- Dad!
- Natalie!
Why stay?
Why stay?
So steadfast and stolid
And stoic and solid
For day after every day
Why stay?
Why stay?
Why not simply give in
and get on with livin'
'Cause everyone knows you tried
But somehow something died
on the way
So, tell me why you stay
Why stay? Why stay?
Enduring and coping
and hurting and hoping
For day after fucking day
Why stay? Why stay?
Why not simply end it?
We'd all comprehend it
And most of the world would say,
"He's better off that way
"To be free
"And maybe so is she"
A promise, a boy says forever
A boy says, "Whatever may come,
we'll come through
And who can know how,
when all I know now to be true
Is this promise that I made to you
- A question, a boy wonders whether...
- A boy wonders, "Should I stay?"
...the two stay together
the way that they stay
For year after year,
for love or from fear
Either way, that's the promise
that I made that day
Here's what I say to the girl
who was burning so brightly
Like the light from Orion above
And still I will search for her nightly
If you see her,
please send her my love
And the boy was a boy
for all seasons
- The boy is long-lost
- That boy is long-lost to me now
- So lost
- The man has forgotten his reasons
- The man still remembers his vow
- Now
A promise, a man says forever
A man says
I'll never regret or let you
The promise that I made to stay
And I stayed true
Knowing one day
we'd remember that joy
You'd remember that girl,
I'd remember that boy
Till we do, the promise I made
I'll make it brand-new
The promise
That I made...
...to you
I am more than memory
I am what might be
I am mystery
Come closer...
Dan.
Come closer...
Diana, there's nothing there.
I'm old as time and forever young
I am every song
that will stay unsung
I'll find you
- Oh, no.
- Goddamnit!
Remind you...
- Natalie!
- Diana, come back here!
Until you name me,
you can't tame me
This is one old game
that I can play so well
I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive
And the medicine failed,
and the doctors lied
I'm alive, I'm alive,
I am death defied
I'm alive
So alive
I'm alive...
I can't go to your dance.
I have to take my mom to the doctor.
- I'll drive.
- No.
I'm alive...
- Natalie, let me help you.
- No, you can't.
- Diana!
- Just go.
I'm alive...
- Look, I'll try to come later, OK?
- OK, I'll wait for you there.
I'm alive
They told me that the wiring
was somehow all misfiring
And screwing up the signals
in my brain
And then they told me chemistry,
the juice, and not the circuitry
Was mixing up and making me insane
What happens when the burn has healed
but the skin has not regrown?
What happens when the cast
at last comes off
And then you find the break
was always in another bone?
Relapse is very common, Diana.
It's upsetting that the delusional episodes
have returned,
but not entirely unexpected.
They tried a million meds,
and they strapped me to their beds
And they shrugged and told me,
"That's the way it goes"
When finally you hit it,
I asked you just what did it
You shrugged and said
that no one really knows
What happens if the medicine
wasn't really in control?
What happens
if the cut, the burn, the break
Was never in my brain
or in my blood but in my soul?
What happens
if the cut, the burn, the break
Was never in my brain
Or in my blood
But in my soul?
Make up your mind, this is clarity
Clarity that you did not have before
The treatment is strong
but lasts only so long
It may be your mind's needing more...
Let's say that's not it.
The ECT is powerful.
It gave you your life back.
But the effects fade, and additional treatments
are almost always needed.
That wasn't on the form.
Make up your mind that you'll try again
Make up your mind,
there are moments of light
The one thing that's sure
is that there is no cure
But that doesn't mean we don't fight
- Catch me, I'm falling
- We'll return to talk therapy.
- Sinking and sprawling
- There's still work to do.
Maybe I'll let myself fall
- Watch me, I'm falling
- We might have to look at, uh...
- Maybe the falling...
- ...a new drug regimen.
- ...isn't so bad after all
- There are other promising therapies.
- EMDR, for instance, or rTMS.
- Isn't so bad after all
- Watch me, I'm falling
- Diana!
- Watch me, I'm flying
- Make up your mind
Somehow surviving...
Diana,
you have a chronic illness!
Like diabetes, or hypertension,
if left untreated...
...it could be catastrophic.
I understand.
But there has to be another way.
Stay with me, try again
Don't walk out on treatment,
don't lose what you've won
You've struggled for years,
but you've only begun...
My first psychiatrist told me that,
according to the manual...
...grief that continues past six months
is pathological
and should be medicated.
Six months.
For the life of my child.
Who makes these decisions?
- It's a guideline, nothing more.
- Yes.
Nothing more.
Stay with me, try again
Is medicine magic?
You know that it's not
We know it's not perfect,
but it's what we've got
It's all that we've got
Goodbye, Dr. Madden.
So, what did he say?
Uh, he said I could do more ECor go back on the meds.
OK, so, what are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna take you to your dance.
- Mom...
It's time you start thinking
of your own happiness.
It's not happiness.
It's... Henry.
You love him.
Mom, you can't just walk out
on your doctor.
Maybe I've lost it at last
Maybe my last lucid moment
has passed
I'm dancing with death, I suppose
But really, who knows?
Maybe I'm tired of the game
Of coming up short,
of the rules, of the shame
And maybe you feel that way, too
I see me in you
A girl full of anger and hope
A girl with a mother
who just couldn't cope
A girl who felt caught
And thought no one could see
But maybe one day she'll be free
It's so lovely that you're sharing
No, really, I'm all ears
But where has all this caring been
for sixteen years?
For all those years I prayed
that you'd go away for good
Half the time afraid
that you really would
When I thought you might be dying,
I cried for all we'd never be
But there'll be no more crying
- Not for me
- Things will get better, you'll see
Not for me
- You'll see
- No!
- Not for me
- You'll see
- Not for me
- You'll see
- Not for me
- You'll see
Maybe we can't be OK
But maybe we're tough,
and we'll try anyway
We'll live with what's real
Let go of what's past
And maybe I'll see you at last
I don't believe you.
Seventeen years ago, your brother died
of an intestinal obstruction.
He was eight months old.
I know I...
I couldn't say that to you before.
I'm sorry.
We wanted to give you a normal life.
I realize I have no clue what that is.
I don't need a life that's normal
That's way too far away
But something next to normal
would be OK
Yeah, something next to normal
That's the thing I'd like to try
Close enough to normal
To get by
We'll get by
We'll get by
OK.
Now go to your dance.
Hey
Hey
You look like a star
A vision in blue
Oh, I do?
And you are
Hey
You came
Well, I said that I might
I thought we were through
Me and you
Not tonight
- Will your mom be OK?
- Well, she might be someday
But for now it's all fine?
She's still on my mind
- Can you leave it behind? Stay
- Hey
- Let's see this thing through
- Am I crazy?
I might end up crazy
I'll be here for you
You say that right here
But then give it a year,
or ten years, or a life
I could end up your wife
Sitting, staring at walls,
throwing shit down the stairs
Freaking out at the store,
running nude down the street
- Bleeding out in the bath...
- Shh!
Perfect for you
I will be perfect for you
So, you could go crazy,
or I could go crazy
It's true
Sometimes life is insane
But crazy I know I can do
'Cause crazy is perfect,
and fucked-up is perfect
So, I will be perfect
Perfect
Perfect for...
...you
So, anyway
I'm leaving
I thought you'd like to know
You're faithful, come what may
But clearly I can't stay
We'd both go mad that way
So, here I go
And anyway
I'm leaving
I guess that you can see
I'll try this on my own
A life I've never known
I'll face the dread alone
But I'll be free
With you always beside me
To catch me when I fall
I'd never get to know
the feel of solid ground at all
With you always believing
that we could still come through
It makes me feel the fool
to know that it's not true
What doctors call dysfunction
we tried to call romance
And true, it's quite a trick to tell
the dancers from the dance
But rather than let chance take me
I'll take a chance
I'll take a chance on leaving
It's that, or stay and die
I loved you once, and though
you love me still, I know
It's time for me to fly
I loved you once, and though...
...I love you still, I know
It's time for me to go
And so...
...goodbye
I am the one who loved you
I am the one who stayed
I am the one
And you walked away
I am the one who waited
And now you act
like you just don't give a damn
Like you never knew who I am
I am the one who knows you
- I am...
- I am the one you fear
- I am...
- I am the one
- Who's always been here
- I've always been here
- I am...
- I am the one who'll hear you
- I am...
- I know you told her
That I'm not worth a damn
But I know you know who I am
- No.
- I know you know who I am...
Can't you just leave me alone?
I know you know who I am...
Why didn't you go with her?
- 'Cause I'm holding on
- Let me go
- And I won't let go
- Let me go
- Yeah, I want you to know
- You don't know
I am the one who held you
I am the one who cried
I am the one
who watched while you died
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I am the one who loved you
I tried pretending
that I don't give a damn
But you've always known
who I am...
Gabe.
Gabriel.
Hi, Dad.
Dad?
What the hell?
Why are the lights off?
Where's Mom?
Uh, she's...
Uh...
She's, uh...
Gone?
Yeah.
So, it's, uh...
It's just me and you for now.
Uh...
Yeah.
Hey.
OK.
OK.
We need some light
First of all, we need some light
You can't sit here in the dark
And all alone
It's a sorry sight
It's just you and me
We'll live, you'll see
Night after night
We'd sit and wait for the morning light
But we've waited far too long
For all that's wrong to be made right
Day after day
Wishing all our cares away
Trying to fight the things we feel
But some hurts never heal
Some ghosts are never gone
But we go on
We still go on
And you find some way to survive
And you find out
you don't have to be happy at all
To be happy you're alive...
Do you know where she went?
Have you heard from her?
Yeah! Yeah, I heard from her.
She's staying with my grandparents.
Do they actually exist?
Yes.
So, that's good, right?
Well, going home has never been a solution
to any of my problems.
- That's what you got me for.
- Seriously?
You're like number three
on my list of issues.
- You keep a list? Huh!
- Don't worry, Henry.
You're my favorite problem.
That's all I ask.
Day after day
Give me clouds, and rain, and gray
Give me pain if that's what's real
It's the price we pay to feel
The price of love is loss
But still we pay
We love anyway...
Look, I know you can't tell me if you're
treating her - I just wonder if she's OK.
I think she's working on it,
and she's aware of the risks.
Do you think she'll come home?
It's hard to say.
- Right.
- Dan...
Would you like me to recommend someone
for you to talk to?
No.
Yes. Yes, I would.
Thank you.
And when the night has finally gone
And when we see the new day dawn
We'll wonder how we wandered
for so long, so blind
The wasted world we thought we knew
The light will make it look brand new
So, let it
Let it
So, let it
- Let it
- Let it shine
Shine
Shine
Day after day
We'll find the will to find our way
Knowing that the darkest skies
Will someday see the sun
When our long night is done
There will be light
There will be light
When we open up our lives
Sons and daughters,
husbands, wives
And fight that fight
There will be light
There will be light
There will be light
There will be...
...light
There was a time when I flew higher
Was a time the wild girl running free
Would be me
Now I see her feel the fire
Now I know she needs me there to share
I'm nowhere
All these blank and tranquil years
Seems they dried up all my tears
And while she runs free fast
Seems my wild days are past
But...
I miss the mountains
I miss the dizzy heights
All the manic, magic days
And the dark, depressing nights
I miss the mountains
I miss the highs and lows
All the climbing, all the falling
All the while the wild wind blows
Stinging you with snow
And soaking you with rain
I miss the mountains
I miss the pain
Mountains make you crazy
Here it's safe and sound
My mind is somewhere hazy
My feet are on the ground
Everything is balanced here
and on an even keel
Everything is perfect
Nothing's real
Nothing's real
And I miss the mountains
I miss the lonely climb
Wandering through the wilderness
And spending all my time
Where the air is clear
and cuts you like a knife
I miss the mountains
I miss the mountains
I miss my life
I miss my life