Nice Dreams (1981) Movie Script

Where we supposed
to meet this dude?
There's some room
at the beach, man.
CHONG: The beach?
CHEECH: There's a lot of beach.
CHONG: Where on the beach?
Right there. At the end
of this block, man.
We got plenty of time.
If we're early, we'll rehearse.
Hey, don't eat it all, man.
CHEECH: Hey, man,
we got plenty of this. We're rich.
This looks like a good spot.
CHONG: What's that song
that you're working on?
The protest song?
Oh, Save the Whales?
Yeah, I guess that's it.
Yeah. Yeah. Play.
Hey, man. How you doing?
Is it all there? Oh, good.
One, two, three...
# Here's an extra one
Don't give it to your children ##
All right, man. Check you later.
Thanks a lot, man.
It's good ice cream, man. Trip out.
MAN: This is Homing Pigeon.
Homing Pigeon to Mother Coop,
come in.
This is a hit. Score!
Touchdown and payday.
They bought it.
I mean, we bought it.
Homing Pigeon. Mother Coop,
come in. Homing Pigeon.
It's a success.
Limo preparing to leave.
Sarge is gonna cream for this.
And we got them. We got them!
This is Homing Pigeon
to Mother Coop, come in.
Mother Coop, come in.
Homing Pigeon to Mother Coop.
WOMAN: Homing Pigeon, go ahead.
They're getting into the truck.
Starting to pull away!
Starting to pull away!
In pursuit! In pursuit!
This is 38-Apple-Baker, over.
We're in pursuit.
Ten-four, in pursuit.
Your direction to travel?
Homing Pigeon, your direction?
Come on. Damn it!
Homing Pigeon, come in.
This car's not starting. Hello!
Hello! Help here! Homing Pigeon to
Mother Coop. Get me the Whirlybird
unit. Get me the Whirlybird unit.
We can't get this sucker going.
Whirlybird unit, come in, please.
Come in, Whirlybird unit!
Oh, damn it! They're heading down
Ocean Avenue right now.
Homing Pigeon, come in.
Come in, Whirlybird.
Homing Pigeon
to Whirlybird, come in.
Oh, shit!
Homing Pigeon, please repeat.
Hey, man, that dude looked
kinda straight to be buying dope.
Hey, man, don't worry about it.
I checked him out myself, man.
He ain't a cop.
I can smell cops a mile away, man.
They smell like coffee
and doughnuts.
Hey, we're rich, man.
How much money do we have now?
All together?
Yeah, all together.
Let me figure it out.
Let's see. We're out 22 days...
I wanna get me some
more guitars, man.
We got seventeen
million dollars, man.
No, man.
Seven... We got seventeen
something. We're rich, man.
We got a lot of money.
Hey, let's buy a villa in Costa Rica.
That'd be great. I could just...
I'm gonna get some more guitars.
Yeah, I wanna get a Fender.
No, I don't like Fenders.
No, I'll get one anyway.
Let's get one of those big,
white houses, man. You know,
like, with a veranda, you know.
With a porch. We'd be sitting
out there sipping pia colonics, man.
Pia colonics?
What's that?
You know, they make them
in a blender, man. You know.
Oh, yeah.
We'd have topless ladies, man.
Maybe we'll make ourselves sun kings.
You know, buy a little island. We'll put
two little chairs on a little hill, and
every day at noon we'll go up there
and all the natives will bow down
to us and we'll throw them joints,
you know.
I like to help the little people, man.
That's important in life.
Maybe I'll get a Mustang.
Better get your driver's licence
first, though.
That pendejo judge, man...
Maybe I'll buy a judge.
Then I could get my licence back.
I always dreamed, man, if we ever
made it rich, I'd get me a guitar.
Hi, guys.
Hey, how you...? Wow!
Oh, hi, ladies.
We like your truck.
Oh, thanks a lot.
Hey, you guys have
any big sticks for us?
I mean, really big sticks?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
We got really big sticks.
How about a nice, hot, juicy stick
and you guys can get
in the back with us?
Come on, man! Get after them.
They want a big stick, man.
That's a '55 Bel Air convertible.
Mint condition.
Right there, baby.
You want a big stick?
CHONG: Oh, we lost them.
CHEECH: Hey, no. There's their car.
All right. Ease up, right over there.
What a bitching car, man.
Hey, come on, baby,
you want a big stick?
Here comes a special delivery.
You know, my dad had one, man.
I used to drive it all the time.
Why'd he wanna sell it?
Hey, looks like
Dad's car, man.
You can sure tell soon enough.
You can tell by the stains
in the back seat.
God, look at this.
No, the upholstery's too nice.
Hey, man. Big stick.
Hey, baby want a big stick?
Uh, hi. Uh, want a big stick?
We're in your neighbourhood
giving away free big sticks
to all the dudes who live here.
Hey, man, where's the broads
that own that car out there?
All right, we're gotta go now.
No, hey, I wanna talk to them.
It's okay, we'll talk to them later.
Hey, man, be cool.
Take it easy. We'll see you later.
But I wanna ask them about the car.
Don't get too big!
You gonna arrest a brother?
Right this way.
Brother, are you going to arrest me?
Right this way.
I wasn't even there, man.
I can dig it.
Come on, brother.
Let me talk to you.
Yeah, pass!
We got it. They bought it.
I mean, we bought it.
They fell for it.
Noodles, clear this area off,
will you? Noodles!
Go on, clear this area off.
Move it here.
That's it, sarge.
Anyway, those clowns fell
for it, sarge. We got them
right where we want them.
We just have to move in
for the bust. They got the
marked bills and everything.
We gotta get them now, sarge.
Come on, give us the go-ahead.
Wait a minute.
Did you have this stuff analysed?
Well, what's to analyse?
Look at it. Smell it.
It's marijuana.
Listen, listen! You know
we cannot trust our own instincts.
Now I want you take this down
to the analyser and have it labbed.
Yes, sir.
I'll take care of it.
What do you want us to do, sarge?
I want you to leave.
Right now, leave. We're leaving.
Come on, Noodles, let's leave!
We're leaving, sarge. We'll be
right outside in case you need us,
all right? We'll be right out here.
Come on, Noodles. Noodles!
Come on, Noodles. Move it!
The only way to catch a doper
is when you, yourself,
become a smoker.
The surest way to make them bleed...
is when you bust their ass
and steal their weed.
Sarge? Sarge?
Not now. I need my space.
Yeah, that'd be hip, man.
CHEECH: Ray! What's happening?
RAY: All right.
Oh, hi, ladies. How you doing?
All right. You guys thirsty?
I've got some good water for you.
Ooh, suck it up.
You're so thirsty. Haven't given you
water in a long time, huh?
Ooh, yeah. There you go.
Ooh, Oaxaca.
Ooh, sensi.
How are you, my darling?
Oh, God, your buds are getting so big.
I have to get you a training bra.
You got some lint
in your belly button there.
There you go. All right.
Okay, you guys, be cool.
MAN 1:
That's it. Smile nice for the camera.
All right. Got you, now.
MAN 2: Mother Coop,
this is 2-Henry-10, come in.
MAN 1:
Come on, nice little smile,
you weedsuck er, you.
MAN 2: We got the suspect
dead bang in the front bay window
sniffing the evidence.
Ten-four. Maintain surveillance.
MAN 2:
MAN 2:
We got him. We got him, we got him.
Hey, that was a good riff
you guys were working on, man.
That little jam there.
Yeah, well, we just gotta add
a little part to it.
We're gonna probably
put a bridge on it, right?
Hey, look at the Job papers.
We got a little deal here.
Where'd you get them?
I got a deal with them, man.
I met one of the representatives.
And he wants me to try out
his papers for a year.
Yeah, and let him know how they work.
And what do you get?
Just get more papers.
Oh, yeah, that's heavy.
Yeah, I save a lot of money, man.
I go through a lot of papers.
Hey, Ray, we need
some more wine, too, man.
Yeah, okay, what kind
do you want this time?
Oh, put some of this fussy pussy.
Oh, man. Come on.
Oh, that's nice. That smells good.
Fussy pussy?
Yeah. It's French, man.
Hey, is that maid
still working here, man?
RAY: Yeah, man, but...
CHEECH: How hungry are you guys?
RAY: Man, I could eat a whale.
She said that she refuses
to clean your room.
I know. She ain't made
my bed for a week, man.
What's going on with that?
You couldn't pay her
to go in there. I'm sorry.
Hey, when's Don getting back, man?
Don said he'd be back
around Christmas for a day.
Then he's going out, uh...
Well, he just finished
Madison Square Garden.
Then he's gonna go to, uh...
He's got a date in Miami.
Then he's gonna go to...
Well, he's got Dublin.
And then he's gonna
go over to London,
and then he's gonna
go to Switzerland.
And then he's gonna
go to Scandinavia.
He's got a weird date in Guam,
and he's gonna end up in Borneo.
Dude, you like this medium-rare?
No, raw.
Didn't he already go to Borneo?
RAY: Well, he went there once,
but they called him back again.
CHONG: This is burnt, man.
Well, hold on and I'm gonna
make some pizza, man.
Put some cheese on it
and it'll be good.
You like pickles on tortillas? Ray?
Yeah, man, I'm so hungry,
I'll even take that.
I forgot about Australia.
Here's our pizza, man. Really good.
Watch out, it's hot.
Oh, man. Don't feed him that shit.
Hey, man, that's good, man.
After he gets to Australia,
then he goes to, uh...
It's burnt. Look here.
Ay, God.
He's got a long, long,
involved tour, man. I mean...
He's never gonna be home, huh?
No, no, we're cool
with the pad for a while.
When he does get home,
he's coming back to the studio, and...
Have you talked to
that accountant lately? I mean,
like, I don't want to complain,
but we haven't got our cheque
in, like, a couple weeks,
and we can't do this shit for nothing.
I talked to him yesterday.
What'd he say?
He said your money's on the way.
All right.
And I'm thinking
about a raise too, man.
There goes
that smoke alarm again.
Hey, I told you not to smoke
that shit in the kitchen, man.
It's that cooking, man.
Better get two bottles
of fussy pussy, man.
Hey, man, remind me
to get some more vitamin B12.
Vitamin B12?
Yeah. And some Gro-Mulch, too.
What for?
Well, for them plants in
the game room, man.
They're getting a little droopy.
Piss on them.
Hey, man, show some respect, man.
That's a cash crop, se.
No, I'm serious, man. Piss on them.
I read somewhere, man,
that if you pee on a plant
it'll do better because
of some kind of vitamin
in your pee.
I just read it somewhere.
Yeah, you got a point there, man.
Just let your hair grow
and nobody'll ever find out.
Piss on them. Psh.
Hey, there could be something to it.
CHONG: You know what I think
we should invest in, man?
CHONG: A rest home for old hippies.
CHONG: Because, man, hippies have
been around since the '60s, man,
and there really isn't, like, a hip place
for them to go when they get real old,
you know?
You know, the way I see it,
it's like a regular rest home, except
you got all the dope you can smoke.
Like, we could call it
Laid Back Manor.
Yeah. Hey, great. Yeah.
That'd be heavy.
Because, you know, I mean, like...
What do people do when they get old?
They usually keep them stoned,
They could nod off.
Yeah, nod off, man.
CHEECH: Hey, man, listen.
When we talk to Weird Jimmy,
let me do all the talking, okay?
CHONG: Yeah.
CHEECH: Because he gets spaced out.
Just... Whatever I say,
just go along with it, okay?
CHONG: Yeah, okay.
CHEECH: Because he gets zoned.
Just let me do all the talking.
Everything'll be cool, all right?
CHONG: You know
what I wanna do when I die?
I'm wanna get cremated, man.
Then I wanna get my ashes
put in a baggie, you know.
And then I wanna have all my friends...
We'll have a party and everybody will
smoke me. Mix it with some good shit.
Remind me not to be one
of your friends when you die.
Or you can snort me too.
Or shove you.
Oh, he's doing great, huh?
CHEECH: Hey, Jimmy!
What you doing, man?
Making a peace pipe?
What's happening, homes?
This place is getting weirder, man.
No shit.
Hey, how you been, Jimmy?
Hey, you know those buds
you gave us the other day?
They were great, I swear to God.
Small. Small.
Hey, man, those were the biggest buds
I ever saw. Do you think we could
get some more of those, man?
Those are really good, I swear to God.
We gave them to some of our friends...
Damn, electric weed, man.
It'll be monster weed, huh?
Those buds you gave us,
they were very hip.
I swear to God, we were
doing these tests under
clinical party conditions.
Like, we gave them
to a bunch of our friends.
So, do you think... They'd like
some more... Do you think we can
get some more of those buds, man?
No. No. No buds.
No buds. No buds.
Hey, we're, like... They're not for us.
They're, like, for needy weedheads
that got glaucoma.
Like these disabled vets and stuff
like that. We've been...
Uh, well, you know,
hey, we could pay for them.
Uh, we just need some.
Because they're really asking for it.
If it was just for me, I would say no...
Uh, well...
Yeah, you think you could part
with just a few?
We'd pay for them, I swear to God.
No. No.
No. No.
Please, man...
Yes. Yes.
Hey, all right. Thanks a lot, man.
You're a really good dude, man.
Hey, we gotta split now.
Hey, keep working.
You're doing good, homes.
JIMMY: Yeah.
MAN: Hey, sarge? Hey, man,
you burning some stuff in there?
I sure would like some.
Hey, man, come on,
gimme some of that.
CHEECH: Like a tractor-trailer,
man. A big tractor-trailer
with a diesel thing on it.
And we could just haul this stuff
all over the place.
We could have, like,
a disco in the back, you know.
And, like, a health food place, too.
CHONG: Yeah.
CHEECH: And then we could
have our whole thing together
wherever we go, you know.
We could have, like, a sleep-in
and a Jacuzzi, a sauna...
Hey, chief! Hey, how you doing?
Hey, good seeing you.
Hey, got something for you, man.
This bud's for you.
Let me lay something on you.
No, that's okay, man.
Please. Shirts, man.
Hey, thanks, man.
Shirts, here.
Oh, hey, thanks, man.
Some more.
That's great, man. That's enough.
Oh, that's... Thanks a lot.
These bull's balls
are the hottest things going.
Oh, wow. Hey, thanks.
Oh, hey, thanks.
Here's a bag. Here.
Thanks a lot, man.
Hey, thanks.
Oh, wow. Hey, thanks a lot, man.
MAN: What happened? You all right?
I broke my nail! I broke my nail!
Hey, what happened, man?
Come on, man. Let's go.
Hey, come on, man. Come on, push.
Come on. Up. Up. Push. Push.
Push. You're not trying.
Okay. One more. One more!
Come on. Push. Push!
Push it! Come on, you're not trying.
Hey, that's good.
Hey, look at this. Come on.
Oh, man. L...
Hey, Jimmy!
Hey, Jimmy the Genius.
Where is he?
I dunno, man.
Gotta be here somewhere.
Hey, homes.
All right.
Jimmy... God, oh, man...
God, man. Jimmy,
that's heavy duty, man.
How'd you get him to learn
how to smoke that joint, man?
Hey, homes,
are you tripping?
What is that?
It's a... It's a... I dunno.
It's a lizard, man.
Yeah, it's an ugly lizard.
CHEECH: Hey, Jimmy, you should be
on that show Really Incredible
Heavy Duty Dudes, man.
You could be a guest weirdo.
Hey, Jimmy, can we have
some more buds? Thanks a lot.
We'll take care of the place for you.
Don't worry about nothing, man.
Let's change that music, man.
DETECTIVE: It's happening right now.
Look, you see it? Look. Look. Look.
Oh, that's incredible.
Look at that. It's happening.
Oh, that's amazing. That's incredible.
Sarge, look at that.
It's happening right now.
Do you believe that?
Look at him.
That's amazing.
I mean, it's just like
the report said. Right, Fu?
Okay. Yes.
We took that marijuana
you gave us and we tested it.
This smoke, no. This smoke, yes.
DETECTIVE: Yeah, never mind
that technical talk, Fu, huh?
What he means is
Anyone who smokes that stuff
is gonna turn into
one of these lizards.
We gotta bust these guys, sarge.
I mean, there's nothing to it.
We gotta bust them now.
Can we bust them now,
sarge, huh? Can we? Huh?
Right. Noodles. Come on, let's go.
Can we get you anything, sarge?
What? Oh, bug off. Just bug off.
Get out of here.
Noodles! Come on, move it! Let's go.
WOMAN: Just listen to him.
Would you listen to him?
Hey, hey, big boy.
Come over here, sweetheart.
Tell this nice officer who I am.
Whirlybird unit.
Tell him we're freelance entertainers.
Drooler speaking. Dig this.
You have a go on
Operation Get Them. Got it?
Good. Go get them!
Noodles! Noodles!
Noodles. Move it.
Listen to me, officer. I'm gonna
have my attorney explain to you
I'm a freelance entertainer.
MAN 1: Roger, Mother Coop.
We're ten-twenty at Trancas Beach
moving up on Broad Beach Road.
cannabis cultivation centre.
Uh, Cowboy,
move your ass over a bit.
MAN 2:
Roger, there, Papa Bear.
We're moving over.
MAN 1:
There it is. Follow me in.
Holy shit. You see
what I see, old man?
Let's take care of business.
MAN 3:
Jesus Christ! Look at those titties!
MAN 2:
Holy mother-of-pearl!
Take us down, old man, take us down!
We're talking about serious, wild,
naked titties on the beach down there!
MAN 1: Will you forget about titties?
We got a bust to think about.
Wow, those choppers are low today.
If they only knew
what we were doing
down here, huh?
MAN 3:
Cowboy, look at those pink nipples.
MAN 2:
Nipples? Hell, look at them
tender young asses.
MAN 1: All right, you've seen the tits.
Let's get back to work.
What the hell we doing up here?
Put her down, man, go down!
MAN 1:
A.J., Code Five.
Getting low, man.
I said, they're getting low.
Hey, there's a rip in the tarp.
Aw, shit.
CHONG: Where's the ladder?
Over there, man.
Hold me steady.
All right. I got it. I got it.
Get me some rope, man!
Get me a piece of rope!
Yeah! Hurry up!
What kind?
Never mind what kind!
Don't be so stupid!
Get me some rope!
Hurry up!
All right! Hey, I got some.
Hey, I got the rope, man.
Are you okay?
Hey, man. Are you okay?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, never mind
about me, man.
Fix the tarp.
Hand me the flap.
I need some rope.
Well, put the rope on it, man.
Where's the rope?
Well, it's down there,
Right down there on the floor.
I don't know. Hurry up!
MAN 1:
Okay, Cowboy,
let's set these birds down.
MAN 2:
Roger, Papa Bear.
Come on, man! Here it comes. Hurry!
Well, do something!
MAN 3:
Look, there he is!
Look out.
Hey! You're leaning on my stick.
Get over.
Get back over there.
MAN 1:
Hey, Cowboy, where
the hell you going?
MAN 2:
He's on my stick.
He's on my stick!
Hey! Get off my stick!
MAN 1:
Cowboy, we're setting down
on the beach.
MAN 2: I'm coming, baby.
You can just sit right in my face
and just beat me with a wet towel.
Papa Bear, those suspects
are flying the coop.
MAN 1: I hear you, Cowboy.
We're trying to find a place to sit.
MAN 2:
Oh, man. Look at that.
Hey, man, come on.
Quit fucking around, will you?
We gotta get out of here.
You're getting
too laid back, se.
Come on.
MAN 1:
Mother Coop, this is 2-Henry-10.
We have two suspects in custody.
Returning to base.
Stop it. Stop it, Noodles.
No more. Stop it!
Stop it! Jesus, Noodles,
you're driving me nuts.
Turn that damn TV off,
will you?
Giving me a headache.
Eyes are killing me.
Let's get some light on.
All right, you two guys...
We're gonna go through it
one more time, boys.
Where are those two guys?
Who's your boss?
Are you working for them?
Huh? Come on!
Hi, sarge.
I can't get a damn thing
out of these two guys.
They ain't talking.
This is all I can get out of them:
"Buds. Good. Big.
Good buds. Big. Big.
Buds. Big. Good buds."
I dunno what to make of it, sarge.
Big? Big, big, big...
"Big buds. Big good..."
Mr. Big!
Ah, Mr. Big, Mr. Big.
Noodles? It's Mr. Big.
Mr. Big is good. Mr. Big is bud.
Mr. Big is Bud... Bud Good!
Mr. Big is Bud Good!
That's it, that's it! We gotta
bust him. We gotta bust
Bud Good, right?
We're gonna bust him, sarge?
No, no, I knew that. Noodles, help me.
"Tail." Tail...
We tail Bud Good!
Yeah, that's what we do.
We tail Bud Good. I knew it.
You're a genius, sarge.
Tail Bud Good to Mr. Big.
That's it! Come on, let's get
these two guys out of here.
Hey, hey, hey!
No, I'll leave them with you, sarge.
You probably want to talk to him.
You're coming with us.
Come on, let's go. Get up.
Come on, Noodles.
We got work to do.
We're tailing Bud Good to Mr. Big.
Come on, we gotta find
Bud Good. Come with us.
Let's go. Move it! Move it!
Good luck, sarge, but I couldn't get
a damn thing out of that guy.
Come on, now! Move it!
You have beautiful eyes.
Yes, you do.
Ah, yeah.
CHEECH: Don't that sound
like a good idea? We'll take
the money and start Vatoland.
CHONG: Vatoland?
CHEECH: Just like Disneyland, man.
Except for vatos, right? Hm?
Yeah, we could get some land
out in Fontana by that gypsum plant.
It'd be heavy.
I'd like to start Guitarland.
No, no, Vato...
We could have Guitarland
in Vatoland.
Just guitars. Everywhere you go.
Yeah. That could be, like, a part of it.
Yeah, that'd be heavy.
In Vatoland, like, the rides
would be low rides.
Get it?
Excuse me. Wine?
You could have walls that
you could rent spray cans on,
just do your own graffiti, man.
That'd be heavy, huh?
You could have gang fights.
Like, every night, you could bring in
a different gang, like a guest gang.
Like special guest appearances.
Wouldn't that be heavy?
Ooh, mama! Looky here.
Oh, do I know you? Huh?
Hope not.
Do you know me?
Do I know you?
No, I don't know you.
That's why I carry
American Express.
Isn't that funny?
Seriously, you look very familiar.
No, you... Don't worry.
When I remember,
I will remember.
Always the beasts
remember me.
Who was that?
I dunno, man.
You can tell me.
I swear to God...
I don't know
what you do at night.
I remember! I remember!
I remember.
You're so wonderful.
I must have been drunk.
I was a flower child, too, you know.
Sitting on the grassy knolls,
listening to your music
permeate the air.
You're brilliant.
Oh, my God. I have every album
you ever made.
I used to scream for you.
I'd die for you.
And you're holding up beautifully.
You are holding up so well.
Oh, my God.
Guess what?
I handle musicians myself.
You do?
I do. And they're brilliant.
They're called The Hot Rollers.
A sign of the times, right?
Girls! Come here.
Get ready for them.
They're wonderful.
Oh, yeah. Hey, now we're talking.
This is Brunetta. This is Aubernetta.
This is Platinum.
This is, uh... Where's my...?
There's Ash. And right
over there's Dishwater.
Can they play?
Can they play? Wonderful!
I'd like to play with them.
Oh, can they play?
I don't handle bubkes.
Girls! Hold yourselves.
Meet Jerry Garcia
of the Grateful Dead.
Jerry Garcia.
We clap for you.
We clap for you.
No, I'm not Jerry... I'm not...
Hey, quit kicking. Ow!
Quit kicking, man.
No, I'm not Jerry...
I'm Santana, man.
You have a beautiful tan,
man. Beautiful.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I handle musicians, too.
Oh, my youth came flashing back!
Oh, my foot is in my mouth.
Oh, my God. Listen, I was born
to make mistakes,
like anybody else. I'm sorry.
That's okay.
Forgive us. We didn't mean it.
Have a wonderful dinner.
Enjoy this restaurant.
Thank you, I'm sorry.
Are you guys punks?
Maybe we can get together
and party later?
Nice, uh...
All right.
That broad stole our food.
Hey, gargoyle! More food!
Hey, we're rich, man.
Don't worry about it, man.
Excuse. I'm so sorry.
You know, I'm sorry.
Your girlfriend's here, man.
Do you know how sorry I am?
Don't feel bad you're not him.
He's him and you're you.
You're fine just the way you are.
You know?
Forget about him. I wanna meet you.
My name is Sidney and I'm an agent.
I am an agent here.
How can you tell?
Guess what? I handle look-alikes.
You do? Oh, great.
And if ever you are hungry,
or sad and lamenting, starving,
I want you to call me.
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna give you my card.
Sure, give me the card.
You call me, God bless you.
Oh, I'll call you.
All right. Here's my card.
Better give her a call, man.
Call her up late at night.
This is my card. Sidney, the agent.
There's my phone number.
Now, listen.
When you call,
and I hope you do...
I want you to wait 20 rings
because I have to climb down
two flights of stairs.
It's a phone booth. But I'm trying.
You know? We're all trying!
I want you to know you're blessed.
Have a good time.
Enjoy. Please. All right.
She did it again, man.
Fucking stole my plate that time.
Gargoyle! More food.
We're making a living.
We're rich, man.
What you want?
Oh, man. Look what's coming
in the door this time.
It's Night of the Living Dead.
All right...
I don't believe it!
I don't believe it.
My baby...
Oh, shit. I love...
Where did you go?
Who the fuck is this?
It's your turn.
I love it. How come
you didn't call me?
You're the guy from
the hamburger train, right?
You're biting me.
Do you still have my panties?
My panties!
Yes, it's me!
I swear, I didn't even recognise you!
Ah, you pendejo!
I went to high school with this chick.
Yeah, I went to high school with him.
You know about those girls
they're dipping in wax
at the wax museum?
Hey, let's get out of here. Hey.
Just a quaalude!
Good evening. How would you
like to cherish this moment
in pictures?
We have wallet-size for $5.
If you have a big wallet, it's $10.
CHONG: No, thanks.
You're a lovely group.
I want a picture!
We'll pay for it.
I want a memory of you.
All right.
I want a picture of my tattoo.
It's very special. Okay?
Maybe the men
would like to get into the picture.
Yeah. Everybody come in.
No. Go ahead.
Okay. All right.
I have a tattoo
of all my boyfriends.
Say chop suey!
Wait, I'll give you a better look at it.
It's fun. I like this place.
Hey, sit down, man.
She was the horniest chick
in the whole class, man.
She was supposed to be a nun.
She was gonna go in
the convent the next day.
We went on a date
and she never made it
to the convent.
She's been chewing
disco biscuits, man.
That's some wild people, man.
Where'd she go, man?
I dunno.
Yeah. I got one, too.
No lobster. How about squid?
CHONG: Squid's fine, man.
Squid's good.
That one's plugged up.
This is what I needed, man.
That is good shit, man. I love it.
What're you guys doing under there?
Come down, baby.
That nostril's all plugged up.
It's dark down here.
DONNA: Hey, where'd everybody go?
That's good shit, man.
Hey, that's... That's...
One more time.
Oh, here you are.
How you doing?
What's the matter with you?
Hey, man, I'd better take her home,
man. She don't look like she can
drive too good, man.
I'm all in control,
so I'd better take her home.
Hey, thanks a lot, man.
It was really nice meeting you.
And be sure to take care
of the money, okay, man?
I got it.
You keep your eye on the money.
Thanks a lot, man.
CHONG: Yeah. Hey. Yeah.
I didn't have my chop suey.
That's okay.
Hey, come on. So, how've you been?
I've been fine.
You're looking good.
I know, I gotta get my hair done...
It's okay. We're with
the Grateful Dead.
So, uh...
How about the future
of rock 'n' roll, anyway?
The future of rock 'n' roll.
Bruce Springsteen is
fucking it all up.
Yeah. Hey, could we have a check?
Hey, hey, hey.
Bruce Springsteen's fucking
the whole thing up.
Bruce Springsteen?
New Wave.
New Wave?
New Wave!
Yeah. You... got
any of that for sale?
For sale?
Wanna sell some of that, huh?
I sell seashells.
Can we have a check, somebody?
Oh, boy!
CHEECH: Put your leg up.
No, put it down!
CHEECH: No, put your legs together.
I can't get it.
It's too dark. Shit.
I didn't feel a thing.
Can't get this zipper.
It's stuck. What you put
on it? Krazy Glue?
I don't know.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. God!
I have another idea.
Oh, yeah. Let's take it off
from the back.
No, no, no!
Look, there's other ways,
you know.
Oh, yeah.
Why don't we do it
with our clothes on?
With our clothes on?
All right! Hey, I got it.
Hey, Donna.
Hey. Hey.
Look, it works real good, now.
Hey, come on, baby.
Don't you wanna be awake
for this?
Hey, what do you want me to do?
She's passed out.
What would you do?
Yeah, I bet. Let's put a vote to it, man.
How many guys would do it?
Lemme see your hands.
All right. How many guys
wouldn't do it?
Hey, forget you.
Don't worry about it, man.
They can't do nothing.
CHEECH: What do you mean
don't worry about it? If they look
in the truck, we're busted.
Hey, man, they can't...
You, get against the car. You too.
Uh, Donna, ma'am.
You're were going to tell me
exactly where you live.
It's that high-rise building
with a glass elevator.
You can't miss it. 714.
Very good.
Nobody moves.
Hey, man.
What were you doing? Are you crazy?
Excuse me.
We hit the jackpot.
Ain't gonna do nothing.
Believe me. They can't.
What do you mean?
Illegal search and seizure, man.
I'm serious. They broke the law
coming in on private property
with their guns out, man.
That's against the law, right there.
What are you doing
coming up here with the truck
with all the music playing, man?
What are you doing here anyways?
I was returning the truck.
What were you doing here?
I was...
Every time you do coke
this happens, I swear to God.
Every time you do coke,
you get all crazy.
You name it, he's done it.
I'm gonna go bust him right now.
Oh! Come over here.
Just put that back in there.
There you go.
What are you doing?
You see, um...
I want you to think about this.
We could have ourselves
a real problem here.
You wanna bust those guys?
Know what's gonna happen?
We gonna spend the next four days
doing paperwork.
And then we gonna spend
every spare minute we got in court.
And, in the end, you know
what they gonna do?
They gonna let them go.
Let them go?
So you know what we gonna do?
We ain't gonna get busted, man.
We got a whole truck full of dope.
They're probably gonna say,
"You guys can just go," huh?
All right, you guys can just go.
Hey, just a minute, man.
Hey, you... No...
I know my rights, man.
You can't just come over here and
say, "You can go", just like that.
You guys come in here
and you shot a hole
in our clown.
We just said that you could go.
So why don't you just go?
Yeah, let's go.
No. Hey, forget it, man.
Even if you searched the truck
and found drugs,
that would be illegal
search and seizure.
Hey, forget it, man!
You're wrong. You're wrong!
Forget the "going", man.
You're wrong. You're wrong, man.
Shut up. I don't have a licence.
See, he doesn't even have a licence.
If he had anything on us,
he'd stop us, man.
Home sweet home.
Don't do that.
She might have fallen.
You know what? I feel like doing
something real freaky, you know?
Oh, yeah?
Like what?
Well, you're gonna think
that I'm really weird or something.
Which floor?
Oh, push seventh.
It takes us all the way up.
Listen, you're gonna think
I'm weird, but...
I never made it with two guys before.
You wanna make it with me?
Two guys at the same time?
Yeah. I've done everything twice,
but I've never made it with two guys.
Especially you two guys.
Well, we do that all the time.
You do?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Ain't that right, man?
With two guys?
CHEECH: Oh, no!
CHONG: No, no.
With, like, a girl at the same time.
Come in.
We gotta be quiet, man.
These people around here
have been complaining about me
being too
Well? How do you like it?
Oh, it's nice.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
I gotta get into something
more comfortable.
Oh, yeah. Something
more comfortable.
That's a good idea.
Hey, look at that!
You guys don't even want
half a 'lude?
Oh, yeah, half, that's good.
What do you see? What's happening?
Come on, come on, come on,
tell me what's going on.
Well, let me take a peek, anyway,
for crying out loud.
Let me look!
What are they doing?
What are they doing?
Can you see them?
Come on, man, give me a look.
Let me take a peek.
DONNA: Oh, with ice.
We need ice cubes.
This chick did this thing
with this guy.
And it lasts for a long time.
Oh, yeah. We need ice.
Go get some ice, man.
Go down the hall to the left.
Yeah. Get a lot of ice, man.
I've never heard of that.
It just drives me crazy.
All right.
Get a lot of ice, man.
Animal. Oh, when did you get out,
man? You broke out?
No, you're not coming
up here, man.
Uh-uh. Listen, hey, listen.
I got a Mexican here
that'll kick your ass.
Yeah, and...
He hung up on me. Shit.
Who was that?
My old man.
Your old man?
I didn't know you had
an old man.
We're kinda married, you know?
You're married?
Where's your old man right now?
He said he was in the lobby,
but don't worry.
In the lobby?
Hey, open up in there,
goddamn it!
Oh no, don't go now.
Where you going?
Open up or I'll break
the door down!
There's nobody home!
No, don't answer the door!
DONNA: Who is it? Who?
All right, I'll let you in,
but the door's jammed.
Who is it? Let go of the knob
and I'll let you in.
Well, let go of...
This door is always jammed.
What's so funny? Come on,
let me look at it. Let me see.
What are they doing?
Oh, shit. Oh, it's just you with the ice!
I got the ice.
Oh, shit, man.
Hey, man!
Hey, let me in, man!
Hey, man. Let me in.
Hey. Hey!
Hey, open the door, man.
Let me in!
Come on, quit fucking around!
Let me in!
Hey, look at me!
Hey, man. I ain't bullshitting, man.
Let me in.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, man! Hey, man.
Come on, Noodles,
let me have a peek, will you?
Come on, they're my glasses.
Let me have a look. Noodles!
I should've parked on
the other side of the street.
Hey, man.
MAN 1: Don't do anything
to antagonise him.
MAN 2: He just stepped on my towel.
WOMAN: I'll buy you a new one.
MAN 2: God, he's dirty-looking.
WOMAN: Harry. I'm so scared.
WOMAN: Harry.
MAN 3: I think we should leave.
MAN 3:
Oh. Oh, no.
Oh, no.
ANIMAL: Oh, yes.
MAN 2:
Please, miss. Don't look.
MAN 1:
What are you doing
up there?
Oh, shit.
I asked him. Noodles wouldn't
let me have it. So big deal.
Oh, no.
There's nobody home.
Hey, open the door.
Hey, take off, Cheech.
I'm busy.
Hey, open the door.
Hey? Hey's not here.
Hey, open the door.
Hey, take off, Cheech.
I'll be out in a minute.
He told you
there's nobody here.
Oh, man.
I don't believe...
Where's that wetback
son of a bitch?
I'm gonna kill him.
Hey, man! Help!
Do you have any idea
how much those doors cost?
Killing's too damn good for him.
You know what I'll do with him?
Pull his ribs out, one at a time.
Oh, you big, macho man.
You think I care, Noodles?
I don't even care.
ANIMAL: Where's that
menudo-eating son of a bitch?
Get out here!
Where the hell is he?
Get your ass out here.
Come on, taco-head! You under here?
You gonna kick my ass?
Get out here and kick my ass!
No! No way! Stop it!
You have no class.
That's what you are.
You animal!
Love it when you're like that, baby!
You great big animal!
Oh, shit!
Press the button!
Press the button! Yeah!
No! Don't make it go up!
Make it go down!
Animal! I've got slobber all over me!
Please, please, please, please.
Oh, shit. Help. Somebody, please.
Please. Just press the button.
Hey, man. Open this door.
Hey, let me in, man.
Come on.
Hey, there's a monster
in here, man.
There's gonna be a monster up
alongside your head if you don't
open this door, man. Now, come on!
No, really. There's a big biker
in here, man. He kicked the door in.
Biker? Is his name Animal?
I dunno, man.
Shit, he almost killed me, man.
Well, come on, man.
Open the door and let me
get my clothes, man. Come on.
Well, it's open, man.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
CHEECH: Shit, man.
Where's my clothes?
Oh, man, he's sleeping on them.
Well, just wear his clothes, man.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, ew, man. They're alive.
Help me find something, man.
Well, here. Here.
Wear this.
I can't wear that. That's stupid, man.
Come on, help me find something.
Oh, the money.
CHEECH: These pants don't even fit.
I gave it to the hamburger dude.
CHEECH: Man, this is stupid. Come on.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Man, this is stupid.
Oh, ha, ha, ha. You're very funny.
So funny, I forgot to laugh.
Shit. Where's our money, man?
I cashed a cheque
for the hamburger dude.
What? You gave him our money?
What? Hey, man,
I trust the dude.
You took a cheque for all our money?
Well, that...
It's good. It's a cheque, man.
Aw, shit, man.
All the money we worked for,
all the stuff we sold,
and you gave him the money?
Well, he gave me the cheque.
How long have we been dealing?
Three months.
And what's the first thing you learn?
Don't take a cheque!
How we gonna cash this thing, man?
Well, the way you cash cheques.
You take it to a bank,
and you give them the cheque.
You go to the bank and cash
the cheque and they ask you,
"Could I see some ID?"
You got any ID?
You got a driver's licence?
No. Do you got a library card?
Because you can't read! Because
if you could read, you could see
"Bank of Dumb Shit", man.
How we gonna cash this?
Oh, man! There goes our island.
There goes our topless waitresses.
There goes our pia colonics
in the sun, man.
There goes a guitar in every room.
No room!
I can't believe you gave him...
See, that's what happens.
Every time you do coke, man,
that's what happens.
I swear to God, man.
Hey, wait a minute, man.
Every time I do coke, you get on
that "every time I do coke" rap.
That's right, man, it goes
straight to your brain
and messes it up, man.
You're not gonna have
a brain no more, man.
Hey, listen, there's a lot
of smart dudes who do coke, man.
Yeah? Like who?
Like, Sherlock Holmes does coke.
And he isn't so stupid.
Sherlock Holmes?
Well, come on, Sherlock.
Let's go find our money.
Goddamn it.
Excuse me, ma'am.
I hope she has
a friend for me.
For your sake,
I hope she does too, partner.
Hey, thanks a lot, man. I mean, ladies.
Those are the ugliest chicks
I ever saw in my life.
No kidding, man.
But if they're so ugly, how come
you were hitting on them?
I wasn't hitting on them, man.
Well, that part about asking them
if they were models, man.
I was trying to be nice, man.
Models for Kal-Can dog food.
It's over here, man.
Come on, let's get our money.
Toodle! Any time, big boys!
It was our pleasure!
Noodles, they fell for it.
That disguise worked perf...
You were absolutely right.
This is a perfect disguise.
Perfect disguise.
Good thinking, Noodles.
Good thinking.
Let's go and tell sarge.
What are you doing, Noodles?
Noodles, what are you doing?
Keep your hands to yourself.
Goddamn car.
Noodles, let me alone!
Noodles! Get your hands off me.
Goddamn it, Noodles, stay away.
Noodles! God, get this thing started.
Noodles! Let go of that.
Come on, Noodles, not now.
Noodles, keep your hands
to yourself, goddamn it. Noodles!
Locked up.
There's nobody home.
Shit, I can't believe
you were so stupid.
You gave him all our money.
Let's go home.
No, man.
We ain't going no place
until we get all our money.
Shit. I can't believe
you were so stupid.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna get our money, man.
I don't care.
God, you're so
dumb-ass sometimes.
I'm getting so tired of thinking
for both of us, man.
My brain's getting tired.
Well, don't just stand there.
Give me a hand, man.
So stupid. God.
Man, if brains was gunpowder,
you wouldn't have enough
to blow your nose, man.
Hope there's no dogs here.
Hey, man.
Quit fucking around, man.
Let's get our money.
I knew that was you.
Shut up, man. So stupid.
Oh, that's real funny. Ha.
So funny, I forgot to laugh.
Ow. Ow.
Ow. Hey, man, watch out.
Watch out for that branch.
What's poison oak look like?
Sick of... So stupid.
Look at the size of that place.
That must have cost a fortune.
No question about it, Noodles.
This is definitely Mr. Big's joint.
Yeah. Well, nothing's moving,
so I think we're here for the night.
Looks like it's gonna be
a long night, Noodles.
Knock it off, Noodles,
just knock it off!
Don't even think about it.
I'm touching one.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
This place is weird.
You don't have
to shave my legs.
It's the dude!
Hey, Hamburger Dude.
Hey, remember me?
Remember us?
I met you in Chinatown.
Hey, listen, uh...
Remember the cheque?
It was a mistake.
We gotta take the money back.
Shit. Thank God
we found him, man.
Money's gone.
Money's gone.
Hey, Hamburger Dude!
Hey, Hamburger Dude,
wait up! Hey, man!
CHONG: Hey, get him, man.
I'll go round the back.
Hey, lady. I'm first.
Oh, you, hey, I'm glad I found you.
We gotta have our money back.
I'm first to get my medication.
I'm first for everything.
Hey, man. Hey, look,
there was a mistake made, man.
You shouldn't have got the money.
Hey, man, I ain't bullshitting with you.
Hey, man! Give me my money back!
Unhand me!
He's got our money!
Take him away!
Hey! They're taking me! Help!
It was a mistake, man!
I'll never do coke again, man!
Let me go! It was a mistake, man.
My balls itch!
My balls itch.
Hey, man!
Hey, Cheech!
Hey, man!
Hey, where are you?
Hey, I'm over here!
Help! I'm right here, man!
Where are you?
I'm right here!
Oh, wow.
Where you been, man?
Hey, man, they strung me up
and put me in here.
I been looking all over you, man.
We're in a nuthouse.
You know where we are, man?
We're in a nuthouse.
Yeah. They got me chained up.
Yeah, they got you chained up.
Yeah, come on, man. Get me out
of here. These people are nuts.
Get the key, man. Get the key.
It's locked up.
It's locked up.
Yeah, get the key.
I gotta get a key.
They think I'm a doctor, man.
They put me in charge of medication.
Oh, that's heavy.
I'll be right back, man.
Okay, hurry up.
Don't go away.
Okay, get the key
and get me out of here, man.
Hurry up, man!
And then scratch my balls, man!
Hey! Hey, man!
Anybody, scratch my balls!
You know, Noodles,
I'm a little worried about the sarge.
He's a little strange lately.
He's not himself. It's, like...
I dunno if this case is getting to him,
or it's his diet, or what. But he's...
Notice how pale he's been looking?
Pasty kinda looking, you know?
MAN: I'm locking up now.
You got your keys?
Hey, listen, I'll talk to you
when you get off the wall, all right?
Grapefruit. I think
that's probably what he needs.
More grapefruit, more sunshine.
Cheech! Cheech!
Hey, man! In here!
Hey, man. We lucked out.
I found a real doctor, man.
Says he can help us.
Give us the key.
I got the key right here.
Thank God. Get me
out of here, man.
I'm not really crazy.
This is a big mistake
that we're in here, man.
You want the key?
Hey, please, doc. Get me out
of here. Let me be free.
I just want the key, okay?
You're sure
you want to be free?
Yeah, yeah! I wanna be free!
Just give me the key, okay? Please!
Come here.
Stick out your tongue.
Stick out your tongue.
There's the key.
The key?
This is not the key.
I want the key.
That's the key to the universe.
Wait a minute, man.
Get me out of here.
Hey, give me some, man.
That's a key for you.
What was it?
No, don't tell me.
I want it to be a surprise.
You're feeling free already.
Hey, man.
Hey, I got the key, man.
Hey, man?
Hey, man.
All right. What's up?
My name is Jimi.
I'm gonna do one song
before I get back into my box. Yeah.
Right this way, please.
Right this way, please.
Hey, don't worry about it.
They can't do this to you, huh?
Hey, believe me.
You're okay. You're all right.
Don't worry about it, hm?
Would I lie?
Hey, trust me. Hey, believe me,
they can't do this to you.
And if they do,
don't worry about it.
We'll get back at them.
Hey, we'll get back at them
because they can't do this to you.
Just a minute.
Yeah? Hello.
Oh, governor, thank God.
Wow, what a relief.
Yeah, we were on our way.
Really? Oh, great.
That's great to hear, governor.
Yeah. Yeah. That's not for you.
Go ahead.
Yeah, governor. Love it. Love it.
Have your girl call my girl,
we'll talk.
Now, don't be frightened.
It's just me.
I'm so sorry. Boys, there's been
a terrible mistake.
Uh, Howie is going to say something
to you, aren't you, Howie?
I'm going to get you out of this
as quickly as possible.
Howie? Now, say...
Come on, say your little thing.
I'm sorry I took the money.
That's it.
I'm sorry I took the money!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry.
That's enough, dear.
I'm awfully sorry.
That's just fine. That's fine.
Now, boys, all the money is here.
Come along, Howie.
I just want to apologise again
to tell you how sorry I am
about the mistake.
And if there's anything
at all I can do for you,
please don't hesitate to ask.
Come along, Howie.
Time for your lobotomy.
I'm sorry.
I'm not sorry I took the money!
Oh, man...
My head.
I still got a head.
Ooh, money.
It's all here.
Come on out with your hands up.
This is the police,
Detective Drooler speaking.
Let's get out of here.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, out here.
Where you going?
Hey, man, don't worry about it.
Just follow me. Come on.
You clowns really thought
you were pretty smart,
trying to sneak out on us, huh?
You know, the only thing that
gets me is that you actually thought
you could get away with it.
I did it! I did it all!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm awfully sorry.
Yeah, sure, you're sorry.
The sorriest thing I've seen all week.
Don't be frightened.
You people, you've made
a terrible mistake.
Mr. Big, huh? Well, you're not
so big now, are you? Right, boss?
Yeah. It's always guys like you
that try to get away with it.
Would you care for
a hamburger?
Come on, man,
it's time to go to work.
Oh, man! What the...?
What are you doing, man?
You're so stupid, man.
Come on,
let's go to work. Shit.
Stupid, man. If you hadn't
lost all our money, man,
we wouldn't be doing this.
What you bitching about, man?
We got it made.
Oh, man, you're so stupid.
Hey, you wanted to be
in paradise, man.
We're in paradise.
It's not exactly
what I had in mind, man.
Come on, let's go to work.
ANNOUNCER: Come on, ladies,
let's really give it to them, huh?
Shooting their hot tube to you.
Man, this is stupid, man.
What are you bitching about? It's fun.
Hey, listen, we're sun kings
in paradise.
It's not what I had in mind.
Okay, ladies. Hold on
to yourselves because now
we have a special treat for you.
Club Paradise proudly presents
Maui and Wowie, the Sun Kings!
All right! Whoo!
Hey, man, help!
Hey, man, help! Help!
Give me your hand!